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HELPING
CHILDREN
DEAL WITH
TRAGEDY



Compiled By:
Canopy Roads Baptist Church
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Contents
PARENTING IN THE MIDST OF TRAGEDY ................................................... 4
HELPING CHILDREN DEAL WITH TRAGEDY ................................................ 8
FIVE THINGS TO REMEMBER WHEN COMMUNICATING TO YOUR CHILD
DURING A CRISIS ..................................................................................... 12
GREIF RESPONSE & AGE LEVEL NEEDS ................................................... 14
Greif Response .................................................................................... 14
Age Level Needs .................................................................................. 16
What To Do And What Not To Do ....................................................... 17
MOVIE LIST FOR GRIEVING CHILDREN & TIPS ......................................... 19
TIPS FOR VIEWING .............................................................................. 20
Questions ............................................................................................ 21
PERSONAL ASSESSMENTS AFTER A CRISIS ............................................. 25
Physical and Mental Health ................................................................ 25
Roles in Life ......................................................................................... 26
Spirituality ........................................................................................... 26
Citations .................................................................................................. 27


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PARENTING IN THE MIDST OF TRAGEDY
By Focus on the Family
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Bear in mind that a disaster is a disaster. There's no quick and
simple way to recover from the wounds and losses you've
sustained. It's one thing to deal with the normal strains and
stresses of life. But the very meaning of the word trauma can be
summed up as "too much too quick." So keep your head on
straight and be patient with yourself. It's going to take time,
determination, and perseverance to get past the pain and
devastation that seem so paralyzing and all-encompassing at the
present moment.

This is especially true where children are concerned. You have to
be prepared for ups and downs and emotional setbacks.
Meanwhile, there are some things you can do to help your kids
face their immediate situation with courage and confidence:

First, try to keep them in a routine as much as possible.
Difficult as it may be under the circumstances, work to create an
atmosphere of normalcy, balance, and predictability. For example,
take a walk every afternoon or share a story at bedtime every
night. This will counteract feelings of confusion and
disorientation. Help your children understand that you are there
for them. Make a conscious effort to have fun together whenever
you can.
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Let your kids know that it's good to be honest about their feelings.
Hurts are healed when emotions are aired and pain is squarely
faced. Model this truth by facing your own pain and dealing with
it in healthy, constructive ways with other adults or caregivers.
Accept a child's emotions as they are. Whatever reaction
he may be experiencing is "normal" for him. Validate his feelings.
Enter into them with him. Let him know that it's healthy and
normal to feel sad when bad things happen. Be aware that
younger children may respond by acting out. Teens, on the other
hand, may display a tendency to withdraw. Some teens may also
act out by becoming involved in self-destructive behavior (i.e.
drugs, alcohol, rebellion). Be prepared for every eventuality.
Don't avoid discussing the tragedy, but don't obsess over
it either. Don't overwhelm your children with a barrage of
questions. They may find it easier to express themselves openly
while sharing an activity with you side-by-side.
Talking is important but if for some reason a child can't
talk freely with you about the disaster, encourage and enable him
to talk to somebody else. Make sure that the somebody else is a
safe, familiar person. Sharing feelings verbally is an important part
of the healing process. Give your child opportunities to meet
other kids who are going through the same thing. He needs to
know that he's not the only one who is suffering in this way.
Help your kids explore non-verbal ways of processing the
tragedy. This can be done through drawing, painting, games,
drama, writing poetry, or keeping a journal.

When tragedy strikes, parental guidance and input are crucial to a
child's recovery. Personality, age, and past experiences also play a
vital role. You know your own children best. Observe their
behavior and moods carefully. Keep an eye out for any obvious
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signs of distress, insecurity, and confusion. You can help bolster
their sense of security and counterbalance negative emotions by
adopting some of the following strategies:

Children under five probably won't understand the
significance of this event. Sometime around age six, they begin to
process some of the harsher realities of human life. With your
help, they should learn to the deeper meaning of these
experiences. Make up your mind to "be there" for them when the
time for such a discussion arrives.
Be aware that trauma may cause your children to regress.
It can even make them lose trust in you. These are normal
reactions, so don't take it personally. Be patient and give them
space. Allow adequate time for healing. The more consistently
their needs have been met in the past, the sooner they are likely
to recover.
Protect your kids from media overload. Read a book
together instead of watching the evening news. The younger the
child, the more damaging the exposure to graphic images will be.
Tell your children that you love them. If these words are
difficult to say, write them in a note. If you have little ones, spend
time holding them. Allow them to experience the warmth and
security of your touch.
Assure your kids that trained people are on the job doing
everything possible to fix the damage and meet the needs of the
victims. Children find comfort in knowing that someone is in
charge. Pray together for the families of the victims, the rescue
and medical workers, civic and political leaders, and the military
as they deal with the fallout of the flood.
The more directly your children have been impacted, the
greater the need for intervention. If after three months or so
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they still seem overwhelmed by the event, think about getting
some help from a professional counselor. Watch for signs such as
sleep loss, nightmares, loss of appetite, long-term behavioral
changes, withdrawal, disconnection, or emotional numbing. Focus
on the Family's Counseling staff can help you locate a qualified
Christian therapist practicing in your area.
Create new dreams for the future. No matter how much
pain your family has endured, you can still face tomorrow with a
hopeful attitude if you take time to discuss and write down new
goals that you can pursue together.

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HELPING CHILDREN DEAL WITH TRAGEDY
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Children need help to deal with tragedy. Sometimes its a global
tragedy like a war or national disaster. Other times its the
personal loss of a loved one or the breaking up of a home. How
should we respond to these things? Parents have the opportunity
and responsibility to teach their children how to think about and
react to these events as well as their inner feelings and the
confusion they may be experiencing.
Notice how, in Deuteronomy 6:6-9, God instructs his people to
teach their children through life experiences. These
commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts.
Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at
home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and
when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind
them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your
houses and on your gates.
Day to day life provides opportunities to teach children about
God. It is the job of parents to frame the picture of world events,
to help children understand life from Gods point of view.
Teachable moments become available in times of crisis. That
doesnt mean that you preach or lecture. It means that you ask
questions and carefully share information that can guide your
children to right thinking.
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So what do you say? How do you respond to their questions? How
do you draw them out? What kinds of things can you do that will
help your children during this time?
1. First, be sensitive to your childs emotions. All children are
different and will process these events in different ways. Some
will openly cry or make angry threats. Others will act out or
become more aggressive. Some will become very quiet and
withdrawn. Teens may become glib or sarcastic. Ask God to show
you what emotions your child is experiencing. Below you will find
some indicators which may get you started with fear, anger, and
sadness.
2. Validate feelings. Its okay to experience emotions but its not
okay to act those emotions out in hurtful ways. By validating a
childs feelings you are grieving with those who grieve as the
scripture commands. Be careful about criticizing your childrens
emotions. Thoroughly working through difficult experiences in a
complete way will help your children fully deal with the events
and their emotions and even grow through this experience.
3. Trials provide opportunities to grow. Romans 5:3-5 says, we
know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance,
character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us,
because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy
Spirit, whom he has given us. The things you say and the way you
teach your children in times of tragedy can help build character
and develop hope. Furthermore, you can help your children grow
spiritually during tough times and give them the spiritual tools to
deal with life as they grow older. Take the time to talk about the
events and talk about Godly responses.
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4. Continue regular routines. Routines provide security, and many
children need that security in order to process difficult things
effectively. Although youll continue the schedule and maintain
the agenda, that doesnt mean that you ignore the issues. Take
time to talk and discuss whats happening. Your children need a
sense that they have somewhere to go to process whats
happening in life.
5. Limit TV viewing. Some parents believe that they should
encourage their children to watch the events because of their
historical value. Although being informed can be helpful, the
continual display of destruction and violence can do more damage
than good. Many parents who wouldnt let their children watch a
violent movie, allow them to see the same kinds of things on the
news over and over again. This can feed negative emotions and
hinder a childs ability to process whats happened. Young
children think concretely and when they see the same thing over
and over again, they may believe that the event is continuing to
happen over and over again. Even adults experience the same
emotions when they see the event repeated. TV has a number of
benefits but reliving tragedy can be counterproductive and hinder
the growth process.
6. Be sensitive to developmental stages and a childs unique
personality. Preschoolers think concretely. Somewhere around 6-
9 years old, children usually develop the ability to understand
concepts like terrorism, death, or patriotism. At 10-12 years old,
children begin to understand those abstract ideas in very personal
ways. The 11 year old may now realize the permanency of death
and the significant value of patriotism to them personally. Teens
are choosing values to live by and hunt for them in life. They often
want things clear cut and challenge those who might disagree
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with them. Some children withdraw while others speak out. Some
may joke about things inappropriately. As you talk to your
children take all these things into account. Share with them on
their level, as much information as they need or want. Trying to
protect children from this by not talking about it can produce
more fear as they sense something is wrong. Also, be careful
about overdosing a child with too much information. Your
sensitivity here will provide tremendous opportunities to help
your children understand and deal with these events properly.
7. Model right thinking with your children. Many parents are
modeling revenge, worry, and panic. The way you respond to
these events may teach more than your words do. Teach your
children what it means to trust God in very practical terms. Dont
be afraid to be vulnerable with your kids and talk about how you,
as a family, are experiencing and learning from these tragic
events.
8. Look for proactive ways to be involved in the solution, not just
talk about the problem. Adopt a soldier, take food to those in
need, create a care package for those who are hurting are all
examples of ways to help children help and care for others.
Take time to ask your children how they are doing. Come back
several hours after a significant conversation and say things like, I
wondered if you had any other thoughts about what we talked
about earlier. As you work through these things with your
children you are giving them a gift. You are helping them
understand life and how God works and the important values they
desperately need. You will contribute to your childs future well
being and their ability to process other tragedies in helpful ways.
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FIVE THINGS TO REMEMBER WHEN
COMMUNICATING TO YOUR CHILD DURING A
CRISIS
iii

When national tragedies and instant 24-7 media are combined, it
can rob children of their sense of security and stability. It is almost
impossible for parents shield the world from their children when
these types of events happen. So parents need to have a plan
about how to talk to their children while protecting the security
and stability that could easily be robbed. Here are some ideas
about how to handle a crisis with your children. These are in no
way original thoughts with me but they are easily applicable
despite the crisis.

1. Find out what they know about the event
This should be common sense but its so important that it bears
saying. A simple question like, What have you heard about or,
What are your friends saying about As parents, we need to
shield our children from things that they are not ready to
comprehend and we need to encourage them that its okay to ask
questions.

2. Reassure their sense of safety and security
Hug your child. Tell them how much you love them. Tell them you
are going to protect them. Cook them a special meal or order a
pizza. Give them an opportunity to enjoy things that communicate
how much you as a parent love them.
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3. Listen to what your child is saying and not saying
Children love to talk and when your child is talking, listen past the
words and pay attention to the emotion behind their words.
Sometimes they dont know how to say what they want to say
and parents need to listen with more than their ears but with
their heart

4. Share how the crisis makes you feel
Parents are always teaching their kids. One of the most important
things we can communicate is how to deal with difficult
situations. Keep your communication age appropriate but dont
diminish the importance of teaching your kids how to go through
difficult times. Spend time praying for those who were affected
and for the person who caused the tragedy

5. Dont feel like you need to explain why things happen
We live in a fallen world. Bad things are always happening and if
my understanding of scripture is correct, things are not going to
get much better. When something bad happens, when tragedies
strike, your presence and love is more important than knowledge
about why things happen.

A final thought is that we need to develop a sense of compassion
in our children for people who are going through difficult
circumstance. As you are talking with your children, give them an
opportunity to give back to those who have been affected.
Whether you write letters, send cards, draw pictures, or organize
some type of bigger demonstration, give them a chance to show
love to someone else in a way that is relevant to them.

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GREIF RESPONSE & AGE LEVEL NEEDS
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Greif Response
Preschool
May have feelings of sadness, anxiety, insecurity, irritability and
anger
Tend to believe that death is a temporary state that can be
reversed
May equate death with sleeping or being gone on a trip
Magical thinking may occur.
Some children will act as if nothing has happened while others
may regress in areas such as toileting or wanting a bottle
More verbalization
Great concern with process. How? Why?
May act as though nothing has happened
General distress and confusion
Behaviors that may warrant further attention
Decreased verbalization
Increased anxiety (clinginess, fear of separation)
Regressive behaviors (bedwetting, thumb sucking)

Elementary School
Concept of Death
Still wanting to see death as reversible but beginning to see it as
final
Death seen as punishment
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Grief Response
Specific questions
Desire for complete detail
What is the right way to respond?
Starting to have ability to mourn and understand mourning
Behaviors that may warrant further attention
Difficulty concentrating or inattention
Somatic complaints (headaches, stomach problems)
Sleep disturbances (nightmares, fear of the dark)
Repeated telling and acting out of the event
Withdrawal
Increased irritability, disruptive behavior or aggressive behavior
Increase anxiety (clinging, whining)
Depression, guilt or anger

Middle & High School
Concept of Death
Ability to abstract
Beginning to conceptualize death
Grief Response
Extreme sadness
Denial
Regression
More often willing to talk to people outside of family and peer
support
Risk-taking
Behaviors that may warrant further attention
Flashbacks
Emotional numbing or depression
Nightmares
Avoidance or withdrawal
Peer relationship problems
Substance abuse or other high-risk behavior
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Age Level Needs
2-5 Year Olds
Kind and understanding tone of voice and demeanor
Encouragement to talk about how s/he feels in whatever
way s/he can express it
Permission to play about death and the events
surrounding the experience
Open and direct manner that says Im with you and you
are with me. There are no secrets.
Sharing of how you feel or felt when a similar thing
happened
Reassurance that remaining family members will take care
of the child

5 9 Year Olds
Clear answers in simple terms to the questions that they
ask, no matter how improbable their fears seem
An accepting listener to the memories s/he has of the
deceased
Explanations to refute the magical beliefs that feed their
fears
Acceptance of play, artwork, songs, etc. about the events
surrounding the death

9 - 12 Year Old
To be taken seriously, no matter how shallow his/her
concerns seem
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To be included in family discussions about the changes
brought about by the death
To have his/her ways of grieving accepted
While this age-group may understand death intellectually,
they may have great difficulty understanding it
emotionally.

Teenagers
To be included in planning & decision making
To be informed of what to expect in terms of events,
ceremonies, rituals, etc.
To know what to expect from various relatives
To know what is expected of them
To witness adults grieving so they can learn adult ways to
grieve
To be encouraged to talk about what they think and feel
and have their thoughts and feelings respected

What To Do And What Not To Do
To Do
Find a way to help children symbolize and represent the
death
Pay attention to the way a child plays; this is one of the
main ways that children communicate
Say that you are sorry about the loss
Sit next to a child that wants closeness
Not To do
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Try to shelter children from the reality of death; it can be a
learning experience
Give false or confusing messages (Grandma is sleeping
now.)
Tell a child to stop crying because others might get upset
Try to cheer the person up or distract from the emotional
intensity (At least hes no longer in pain. Shes in a
better place now.)
Offer advice or quick solutions (I know how you feel.
Time heals all wounds.)
Pry into personal matters
Ask questions about the circumstances of the death


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MOVIE LIST FOR GRIEVING CHILDREN & TIPS
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Here is a sample list of movies in which the theme of loss is
central and resonant for discussion:
Early Childhood (ages 4-7)
Finding Nemo -- A widowed clownfish chases his son halfway
around the world.
Land Before Time -- Orphan dinosaurs travel the ruins of their lost
world.
The Lion King -- Following the death of his father, Simba, the cub
who will be king, goes into exile.
Up -- A grieving widow and young boy become reluctant
adventurers together.
Middle Childhood (ages 8-12)
Old Yeller -- Early Disney classic about the love -- and loss -- of a
childhood dog.
Bridge to Terabithia -- Based on the award-winning book, a
magical story of the death of a friend.
Fly Away Home -- Following the death of her mother, a young girl
bonds with her estranged father by learning to fly with geese.
My Dog Skip -- A boy and dog grow up in 1940s Mississippi
(spoiler alert: in the end, the dog dies of old age).
The Yearling -- This story revolves around the love and loss of a
pet deer.
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My Girl -- An 11-year-old girl is surrounded by death -- and
transformational gifts.
Adolescence (ages 13-18)
The Boys Are Back -- A young father and son go it alone after a
tragic death.
Hugo -- Two orphans solve a mystery in 1931 train station (and in
3-D).
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (mature teenagers) -- A young
boy's search for meaning after his father dies in the 9/11
catastrophe.
The Descendants (mature teenagers) -- Total immersion into the
complex, fraught emotional terrain as a wife and mother lays
dying.
Supernatural Series (with far-ranging themes, touching on,
though not focusing on, the theme of loss)
Harry Potter
The Lord of the Rings
Spiderman
Superman
TIPS FOR VIEWING
Here are some tips if you're watching a movie with a bereaved
child (much of this is common-sense advice that applies to
children in other situations, as well):
Be honest about the movie, and ask the child if he or she
wants to watch. You might say, "This is a pretty sad movie.
I think someone dies. Are you sure you want to watch it?"
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Select age- and stage-appropriate movies; keep in mind
the child's age and maturity level.
Watch with the child, and don't be afraid to be emotional
when the film moves you.
Get comfortable, perhaps pop some popcorn. Although
the movie may be illustrative or therapeutic, it is, first and
foremost, entertainment.
Check in with the child, especially if you notice agitation.
Make it clear that the child can stop watching the movie at
any time.
After the movie, begin a discussion in general terms. Did
you like it? Who did you like best? Gently stick with your
questions, but be understanding if the child does not want
to talk.
Questions
Here are five questions and guided discussion topics (which you
can tailor to most of the movies listed above).
1. What does the main character discover about himself?

With movies that have a profound loss at their center, the journey
is often not about getting to a happy ending so much as soldiering
on and finding inner strength. Watching the journey played out on
screen can be an enormous comfort when you're at the beginning
of that journey: Life goes on.

Nemo, for instance, discovers that he is strong under pressure.
And his father, Marvin, discovers that he is in fact brave and
intrepid enough to complete one of the biggest adventures a
humble clown fish has ever had. In The Lion King, Simba spends
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years running away from his loss only to discover in the end that
he is brave and strong enough to lead his rightful kingdom.

This question can help children -- and adults -- begin to think
about their own inner resources that they can call on in grief.
2. What good things happen in the movie? What new
opportunities come up following the loss?
This question introduces the idea of external resources. In
addition to finding an inner strength and resiliency, characters
often form new friendships, find new communities or discover
other interests as they begin to make a new life.
In Nemo, Marvin, the father, forges an unlikely friendship with
Dory, who adds a dimension of comfort and fun to his life and
Nemo's. Nemo made friends in the fish tank in Sydney, friends
who loved him, protected him and revealed to him his inner
strength. And Nemo learns that his father will go to the ends of
the earth for him. Perhaps there will be more adventures for the
well-traveled threesome.
At the end of Pixar's Up, grieving widow Carl (Ed Asner) forms a
grandfather-grandson bond with wilderness explorer scout
Russell, which suggests more adventures in the future. "The older
man is transformed," Debra notes. "He realizes that he's not the
only one in pain and that he can be there for the boy. These are
the transformational gifts of grief."
In the 1957 classic Old Yeller, which tops Nell's list of parental
movie wisdom on the theme of loss, Jim (played by Fess Parker)
allows that his son Travis's loss of Yeller is "not a thing you can
forget." Jim encourages the boy to hold on to the memory but
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begin -- if and when he's ready -- to accept the good with the bad,
to begin looking for new opportunities. "I'll tell you a trick that's
sometimes a big help. Start looking around for something good to
take the place of the bad. As a general rule, you can find it."
3. How does the missing loved one stay with or return to the
main character over time?
The relationship with a loved one changes over time and is
particularly resonant at milestone events that mark the passage of
time -- a wedding, graduation, birth of a child. The Harry Potter
series, which takes place over many years, offers a rare glimpse
into how a child experiences the death of his parents over time.
As Harry gets older and goes through different stages in his life,
he revisits the mysterious deaths again and again. Along the way,
he learns more about their lives and how they were connected to
and reflected in him. They are, in many ways, with him as he
grows up, which is a continuation of the relationships as he goes
through new experiences.
4. What did you see in the film that reminded you of yourself or
your life?
Open the door, to see if a child wants to talk about his or her own
situation -- while realizing that this question may be too difficult
to answer. "They might not say anything that day," Debra says.
"Respect their space, because maintaining that safety is crucial."
Most importantly, keep the door to conversation open. "Don't be
surprised if they want to talk about the movie later," says Debra.
"They might bring it up in a totally different context and even
want to watch it again."
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5. Topic for further thought: Guilt and loss
Many people feel guilty when they lose a loved one, especially
children -- who may not be able to articulate the feeling. A five-
year-old might be mired in such thoughts: "Did Mommy die
because I was bad? Or because I didn't go to bed when I was
supposed to?" (Guilt is not the sole province of children. Adults,
too, think: "If only I made him go to the doctor earlier..." or, "If
only I was there when he had the stroke...")
A movie like The Lion King offers the chance to identify and
explore that guilt, with an eye towards reassuring the child that
the death was not his or her fault. You might begin, "Simba thinks
it's his fault that his father died. Do you think it's his fault?" By
talking about how Simba blamed himself, even though the death
wasn't his fault, parents can shed light -- even obliquely -- on a
child's own situation.

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PERSONAL ASSESSMENTS AFTER A CRISIS
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How are you doing? As a parents its important that you are okay before
you can help your child.
These are not a test but these are for your use assessing the function of
those in your family or for whom you are accountablealong with
yourself. Consider discussing this with your spouse, mentor, or
accountability partner. Where are you right now? If you are not where
you think you should be its to ask for help
Physical and Mental Health
Fitness, Wellness, Self-esteem, control

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Roles in Life
Leader, Coach Parishioner, Citizen, Provider

Spirituality
Creativity, Order, Connection

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Citations

i
Taken From:
http://family.custhelp.com/app/answers/detail/a_id/26257/~/hel
ping-children-cope-emotionally-after-traumatic-events-and-
experiences. Adapted from Parenting in the Midst of Tragedy and
Understanding and Coping with Trauma. Copyright 2008, 2011
Focus on the Family.

ii
Taken from, National Center for Biblical Parenting,
https://www.biblicalparenting.org/pr-tip7.asp

iii
Taken From. http://www.bradgwartney.com/2013/04/five-
things-to-remember-when.html, 5 Things to Remember when
dealing with a crisis, Brad Gwartney

iv
How to Say Goodbye, Bonnie Bue

v
Movie List for Grieving Children & Tips, Bonnie Bue

vi
Adapted from: Stress First Aid Training, Florida Baptist
Chaplaincy Ministries, Jacksonville, FL