101 Uses For A Football (Summersdale Humour) by Louise McKay ABEE

S U M M E R S D A L E
LOUI SE Mc KAY
2
101 USES FOR A FOOTBALL
Copyright Louise McKay 2002
All rights reserved
No part of this book may be reproduced by any means, nor transmitted, nor translated into
a machine language without the written permission of the publisher
Summersdale Publishers Ltd
46 West Street
Chichester
PO19 1RP
UK
www.summersdale.com
ISBN 1 84024 230 2
Printed and bound in Great Britain
Cartoons by Kate Taylor
3
Something to dangle
in front of the TV
when Jamie Olivers face
appears on it again.
4
Dumbbells for weaklings.
5
6
Good pregnant cow disguise
always handy.
7
Great low-maintenance exotic pet
that doesnt require feeding
AND that you can kick
without intervention from the RSPCA.
8
Trendy DJ-stylie headphones.
9
10
A many-sided draughts board.
11
Death Star model for a
low-budget Star Wars re-make.
12
Space-hopper for pets.
13
14
Goldfish bowl for fish that
wouldnt benefit from windows.
15
Worry beads for a really big worrier.
16
Shoulder pads for members
of the cast of Dynasty.
17
An alternative fox for the Hunting Lobby.
For added excitement the hunt should
take place at the same time and on the
same pitch as the World Cup Final.
18
Crystal ball for predicting football results.
19
20
Stand-in buttocks
for Jennifer Lopez.
21
Earrings for the
ever-stylish Pat Butcher.
22
A breast-enhancer,
making the Wonderbra redundant.
23
24
Replacement body for a Weeble
squashed in a freak accident.
25
Buboes for the 17
th
Century
disaster movie Plague
(black and white version of course).
26
Disco ball for a very dull disco.
27
28
Door knobs for gentle giants.
29
Light bulb for people who arent
that bothered about light.
30
The winning entry for the Turner Prize.
31
Something Hitler could use to
replace the one thats in the Albert Hall.
32
False eye for a Cyclops.
33
34
A ball and chain for jailed footballers.
35
36
Hot air balloon for mice.
37
38
Alternative to cheese in a fast-food burger
bound to be popular because its less rubbery.
39
Oh, and a more palatable replacement
for the ubiquitous gherkin
(and so much easier to fish out with your hands).
40
Humbug sweets for divvy kids
who dont know the difference
between stripes and spots.
41
42
An ineffective demolition ball for buildings
you dont really want to knock down.
43
Brilliant new female contraceptive
lets face it, football is quite a turn-off.
44
Prosthetic head for unfortunate
18
th
Century French aristocrats.
45
46
Ball cock for a big loo.
47
A spare Quidditch ball for
when Harry Potter drops his.
48
Placebo tablets in case the NHS runs out.
49
New epiglottis for people who might
have lost theirs in a freak accident
with a set of cutlery.
50
New hooter for Rudolph the Reindeer.
51
52
Air bags for low-budget,
Eastern European cars.
53
Something else for Little Jack Horner
to get stuck on his fat little thumb.
54
Spare moon in case the
one made of cheese melts.
55
56
Stunt double for action-hero celebrity blowfish.
57
Ammunition for Saddam Husseins
giant pea-shooter.
58
Stunt hunch for bell-ringers
living in Ntre Dame cathedral.
59
A miniature version of Menwith Hill Espionage
Centre for miniature governmental spies.
60
Huge pearl necklace for an
overgrown Sloane. Okay yar?
61
62
Prosthetic dalmation knackers.
63
A cannonball for pacifists.
64
Slotless piggy bank for
someone with no money.
65
Decorative hundreds and thousands
for Hagrids birthday cake.
66
Christmas pudding for
the Michelin Man and family.
67
68
Sunday lunch for an
impoverished family of plasti-vores.
69
A hygienic alternative to the
Easter Bunnys droppings.
70
Less messy stuffing
for the Christmas turkey.
71
A stand-in for your boss head to relieve the
temptation of kicking the real thing.
72
A ceremonial orb for Posh and Becks throne.
73
74
Something to which supermodels
and footballers wives can compare
their weightand still feel fat.
75
Love eggs for the woman with an
unusually capacious, erm, love nest.
76
Jordans breast reduction.
77
A pregnancy bump for the sensitive father-to-be.
78
The clean alternative to a baby.
79
80
Gob stopper for a greedy kid.
81
A Pamela Anderson fancy dress outfit.
82
The latest air-cushioned, two-tone,
super-dynamic trainers
for extra bounce in the step.
83
84
A wig for Beckhams bad hair days.
So thatll be every day then.
85
A washbag for David Ginola. The guy needs
somewhere to stash his hair products after all.
86
Protective footwear for people with bunions.
87
New and harmless drug for Ibiza pill-poppers.
88
Stand-in eggs for Spielbergs
next dinosaur blockbuster.
89
90
A nifty way to sabotage
the local campanologists
Sunday morning fun and games.
91
A visual aid to demonstrate
why not to have children.
Have you ever had haemorrhoids?
92
Inspiration for Anne Widdecombes hairdresser.
93
A pair of diaphragms: for the prevention of
spawning any more football fans.
94
Genetically modified coconuts
for highly litigious countries.
95
96
Wig for Elton John to wear when
he visits his mates at Watford FC.
97
The Marquis de Sades
pile cushion. Ouch.
98
An accommodating bellybutton
extension for body-piercing enthusiasts.
99
100
Beads on abacus for
mitten-wearing people.
101
Something about which Eric Cantona
can write a pretentious, waffling poem.
102
Something else to pile on the bonfire every
November 5
th
. And dont use sparingly.
103
A replacement sun for when the gurgling
Tellytubbies sun-baby finally grows up.
104
The perfect present for a thieving cuckoo,
so she stops filching other birds eggs.
105
106
Skullcaps for sporty
followers of Judaism.
107
A good way to confuse
American Football team-members.
108
Globe map for the inhabitants
of Planet Polkadot.
109
110
Part of a molecular model for
the atomic structure of a football.
111
Filled with cement it makes a handy
ballistic to chuck at Anne Robinson when
she chucks you off The Weakest Link.
Or whenever she appears on TV for that matter.
112
David Beckhams substitute wife.
113
114
David Beckhams substitute brain.
115
A new, experimental paintbrush for
Jackson Pollock. Might be less messy
than his preferred method.
116
Display piece in a museum for things
that should never have been invented.
117
Voodoo doll of David Beckham for
use during England matches.
118
An effective way of stopping your man
from snoring. He might not wake up
at all, mind you. Does that matter?
119
120
New, smaller foreheads for Ant and Dec.
121
A useful distraction and fidelity-aid
for blokes stuck on Temptation Island.
122
Something to shred and give to your useless
boyfriend when he forgets Valentines Day.
123
Low-budget prop for Hamlet during
skull-shortage periods.
124
Replacement dissection subject for
squeamish Biology students. Mind you,
given the option: football versus bulls eye,
I know which one Id go for.
125
Extra seat-padding for all cinemas
showing epic 3-hour films
like Lord of the Sore Rings.
126
Moth balls to protect your cashmere
(its a well-known fact that moths hate football).
127
A ball for several men to kick around a pitch on a
Saturday afternoon. What a great idea. Should be
turned into a sport.
For t he l at est humour book s
f r om Summer sdal e, chec k out
w w w.summer sdal e.c om

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