More Proofreading 5

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More Proofreading
Practice, Please!
Grade 5
by Dan Greenberg
More Proofreading Practice, Please: Grade 5 Dan Greenberg, Scholastic Teaching Resources
Scholastic Inc. grants teachers permission to photocopy the designated reproducible pages from this
book for classroom use. No other par t of this publication may be reproduced in whole or in part, or
stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical,
photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written per mission of the publisher. For information
regarding permission, write to Scholastic Inc., 557 Broadway, New York, NY 10012.
Cover design by Gerard Fuchs
Cover illustration by Larry Jones
Interior design by Creative Pages, Inc.
Interior illustrations by Mike Moran
ISBN 0-439-18841-5
Copyright 2003 by Dan Greenberg. All rights reserved.
Printed in the U.S.A.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 40 10 09 08 07 06 05 04 03
Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4
Proofreading Symbols . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6
Proofreading for Spelling Errors
Superheroes Youve Never Heard Of . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7
Money: Its Better Than Ever! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8
Is Nothing Funny? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9
Official Fan Club News for Matt Head, Professional Wrestler . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10
Stories Behind Inventions That Changed the World . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11
Celebrity Auction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12
The Worlds Dullest Videos . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13
If I Had Three Wishes, Heres What Id Do . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14
How to Get Rid of Common Yard Pests . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15
Proofreading for Punctuation and Capitalization Errors
My Most Embarrassing Moment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16
The Really Loud Noise Show . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17
Left Brain/Right Brain . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18
Teen Beat Magazine Interview: The Four Whiners . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19
FAQ.com . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20
The Case of the Mummys Gold . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 21
Beach Teens . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22
Weird Spell 2002 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23
Classic Warning Labels . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24
Proofreading for Grammar Errors
Danny the K, Proofreader for the Stars . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25
Pensington-400 Toasting System . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26
The Pegwegger Fashion Collection . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27
The Secrets of the Great Decepto . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 28
What They Do on Their Days Off . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 29
The Boy Who Cried Wulf! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 30
True Confessions: I Abandoned My Children! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 31
Behind the Special Effects in Todays Hit Movies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 32
Jenny Bosco, Olympic Swimmer, and Her Cat Ruffles . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33
Proofreading for Mixed Errors
Are You Jealous? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 34
A Statement From Class President Mona Turpin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35
Ask Dr. Science . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36
Wrong Number! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 37
Great Sports Records: The Tanya Macarena Story . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 38
Dans Fables: The Donkey and the Dog . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39
Dans Fables: The Dog and the Donkey . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 40
Great Sports Records: The Benny Bragan Story . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 41
Can a Horse be Elected President of the United States? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 42
Answer Key . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43
4
Introduction
D
o you need a book that helps students master the skills of proofreading?
To find out if you are ready for More Proofreading Practice, Please!
take this handy quiz:
1. My students typically proofread their work
sometimes
only on weekends
when pigs have wings
Are you kidding?
2. Proofreading is an important part of the
writing process and provides students with
12 vitamins and minerals
a whole new outlook on the world
an excuse for why their writing needs help
Are you kidding?
3. A proofreading error was the cause of
the War of 1812
the stock market crash of 1929
reality TV
Are you kidding?
Scoring
If you answered D. Are you kidding? to all of the above, youre ready for More Proofreading
Practice, Please! In fact, if you didnt answer D above, youre also ready
for the book. In general, you need More Proofreading Practice, Please! if:
your students have never heard of proofreading.
your students have heard of proofreading, but would rather shovel out horse stables
with a grapefruit spoon than take the time to proofread their work.
your students prefer stories, poems, ar ticles, and essays that are engaging, fun, and delightful
rather than tedious, dull, and pointless.
your students like to laugh while theyre learning and learn while theyre laughing.
your students need to practice proofreading and editing skills that include punctuation,
capitalization, spelling, and grammar skills.
D
C
B
A
D
C
B
A
D
C
B
A
5
How to Use This Book
The book is organized into four proofreading subject areas: Spelling, Punctuation and
Capitalization, Grammar, and Mixed Errors. Each section includes nine acti vities.
The Spelling section includes topics such as plurals and homophones. Within the Punctuation and
Capitalization section, topics such as proper nouns, possessi ves, contractions, and comma usage are
covered. The Grammar section covers subject-verb agreement, tenses, sentence fragments, and
more. The final section invites students to make corrections in all major categories, testing their
mastery of proofreading rules.
Selectionsin the form of stories, essays, poems, ads, forms, brochures, editorials, diaries, and
so onare presented in a way that allows students to make proofreading corrections right on the
page using proofreading symbols. (A reproducible page of common proofreading symbols is
provided on page 6.) Be sure to go o ver how to use these symbols. Annotated answers to each
exercise are given at the end of the book.
Classroom Management
Selections in this book can be:
distributed and completed on an indi vidual basis.
done as a class with you eliciting volunteer responses.
assigned as work for partners or small cooperative groups to complete.
distributed for homework or in-class work.
completed as part of a Writing Program or Writing Lab.
incorporated as part of a Five-Step Writing Process program that includes
Prewriting, Drafting, Revising, Proofreading, and Publishing.
You might also try:
having students trade writing samples and proofread each others work.
having students proofread papers that they have written for other subjects, such as social
studies, science, or math.
playing a proofreading game in which students are challenged to f ind, for example, all 27
errors in this article.
Going Beyond
The true test of proofreading exercises is whether they carry over into students own writing.
To find out, ask students to write their own selections (based on selections in this book!)
and proofread them. Stress that proofreading should include not onl y correcting errors, but also
paying attention to the content and str ucture of the writing and making sure that all ideas are
expressed as clearly and succinctly as possible.
Most of All
Try to make proofreading a fun par t of the writing process that students look forward to doing,
rather than a chore that hangs over their heads. Point out that the selections in this book become
clearer, and thus more interesting, engaging, and funny only after they are proofread and minor
errors are eliminated.
Proofreading Symbols
a tiny kitten Delete (Take it away forever!)
sleep all day Delete and change to something else
It was a dark and stor my night. Begin a new paragraph
A Horses mane Lowercase that capital letter
in Santa Fe, New mexico Capitalize that lowercase letter
Cheyenne Wyoming Insert comma
Carlos asked, How are you? Insert quotation marks
An ant ambled about Insert period
Where is Copenhagen Insert question mark
A cat slipped on the f loor waxed. Transpose (or trade positions)
6
night
Find and mark the ten spelling errors.
Pizza-Eating Girl
She can eat pizza with anything on it
anything! You want ice cream and
raisens on your pizza? She can eat
it! How about a pizza with
lemon drops and
selery? She can eat it!
Her skills come in
handy when villains
try to force the heroes
to eat unpleasant
pizza combinations.
Dictionary Man
He can look up words in the dictionary faster than any other living human being.
His powwers are useful for fighting aginst villains who use really big words.
Worm Woman
She lives underground. She can comunecate with worms; not that worms have
much to say. She often ends up stuck on the sidewalk in the hot sun after a
rainey day.
Bargain Man
He can buy anything for the lowest possible price. This is especialy helpful when
other superheroes need to buy tites and uniforms. He always finds a bargain!
Gesundheit Woman
With her super hearing, she can hear people sneezeing miles away. Her powers
come in handy when bad guys are hideing in corners and they sneeze.
Name Date
7
The U.S. Mint makes money every day. Did you know that todays money is better
then ever? To see why, keep reading.
Money is 100% all naturle! Thats right. There are no artificial ingreedients in U.S.
money. Your dollars are as pure and naturle as a tall redwood tree!
Money goes everywhere! Going to the beach? Take some money. Taking a
vacashun? Try taking money with you. Making a busyness deal? Youll find that
money comes in handy!
Money comes in great sizes and stiles! Do you like paper money or coins?
Big amounts or small? Green or sliver? No matter what your needs, weve got the
money for you. In the styles and sizes that fit your active lifestyle.
Money has lots of uses! Want to buy something? Buy it with money. You can
buy almost anything with money, including shoelaces, cinnimon rolls, hairbrushs,
and even Super Bowl tickets (if you can get them).
Name Date
8
Name Date
9
On the subject of humor and comedy,
Said Professor Mary Francis Pfaff,
Nothing can ever be proven to be funny
So theres no real reasin to lagh!
Laughter has no real purrposs,
Said the famous doctor of grins.
Its just a nervous habit we have
Like fish that wiggle their fins.
The data is clear, the professor said.
In my research, Ive fownd
Theres just no point in opening your mowth
And making a Ha ha! sound.
Just then a tiny inchworm
Hanging by its miniature toes
Dropped down from the sealing above
Rite on the tip of my nose!
When the professor seemed to chukle,
I said, Excuse me, Professer Pfaff,
Didnt you say that nothings funny?
Theres never a reason to laugh?
Well, replied the professor.
Ill admit one thing is true.
It can be funny when an inchworm lands
At leest when it lands on you!
Name Date
10
Keeping Track of Matt
Tho he had no wrestling matches this week, Matt Head was very busy. These
are some of the things he accomplished this week.
He drouled.
He got into an arguenent with a tree.
He put his tights on backwords.
Fan Club Poll
We asked you to answer the question:
What does Matt Head remind you of
most? Here are the rezults.
A floor mat14%
A big head without a brane62%
A wrestling mat with no brains who
argues with trees24%
Matt Heads Diet Plan
Breakfast: 14-ounce box of corn flakes, including the box, and
2 gallones of milk
Light Lunch: pasta, salad, and metel screws
Power Dinner: raw leather with radiator fluid sause
Contest Results
Here are the results of our contest, Why I dont want to spend the day
with Matt Head. We only receved one entry. Here it is.
I dont want to spend the day with Matt Head. I certainly hope I dont win
this contest. Jason Dorf
The Jacket Zipper
The first zipper, the Model 100-A, was made of solid wood and weyed over
17 ponds. Over time, the size decreased. Metal replased wood. A solid gold zipper
weighed in at only 4.1 ownces. Unfortunatelly, it cost over $1,500. Finally, the Model
100-Z came out. It was a lot like the zipper of todayexcept two people were
required to zip it up.
The Bookmark
Ted E. Bear, in a 1997 interview,
discloseed, I kept loosing my
place in the book I was reading.
I tried putting a peece of cheese
in there, but it was greasy. I tried
a giant rock. It was too heavy
and awkward. I tried a $100 bill.
It worked well, but that was all
the money I had! Finally, I tried a
small slip of paper. At last, the
bookmark was born!
The Cereal Spoon
First, people tried to eat cereal
with their hands. What a mess!
There was milk driping from
everyones elbows. Next, a garden shovel was tried. Too big! It was replaced with a
fork. The size was good, but it leaked. Finally, someone pulled out a spoon. There was
little chance after so many faillurs that it would work. But, it was perfect!
Name Date
11
Name Date
12
These items will be offerred at the Annual Celebrity Auction.
Item #406B: Hair clippings from country singer Milt Hayseed
Milt gets a harecut every week. His barber collects the clippings. Bidding starts at
$50 a bunch. Each bunch contains fourty or more strands.
Item #418C: Peanut butter sandwich not eaten by child superstar Spencer Twirp
When Spencer was on his cross-country tour, one of his assistants ordered a
sandwhich for him.I hate peanut butter! cried Spencer. This is the very sandwich
that Spencer never touched. Bidding starts at $1,200.
Item #423A: Elevator button pushed by movie souperstar Tanya Ruffage
When Tanya made the classic film Dripless, she stayed on the eleventh flour of the
Park Boulevard Hotle. This is the elevator button she pushed to get to that flore.
Bidding starts at $13,000.
Item #511D: Towel used by sports star Manny Meshooga
During the 2002 semi-finals, a fan gave Manny this towel to autograph. Manny didnt
sine it, but he did wipe his shoes on the towell. Bidding starts at $5,000.
Do you love dull videos? Then this is the collection for you. For only $39.95 per
month well delivver a video to your door. The selecttins include these titels.
Water Boiling
This classic shows the entire process, from stert to finnish. Watch as the pot is filled
with water. See the heat being turned on! Then wait for the water to bole. It seems
like it takes forrever!
Grass Growing
Are you an outdoor-type person? Do you love nature? This fabulous 24-part video is
for you. Watch as, at first, nothing seems to happen. But then as the ours (and days!)
pass, a change occurs. Isnt the grass a tiny bit longer than it was at the begining?
Watch for the sequel, Mowing.
The Stone
This is the video for true rock fans. No scenery. No talk. No music. Just a camera
focused on a common stone for six solid hours. Nothing happens. Nothing changes.
By far, this is the dulest video in our collection!
Name Date
13
If I had three wishs, heres what Id do:
Id use my first wish (which would leaf me just too)
And wish for three wishesthat would make five,
Which would make me the luckyest person alive!
Because after that, I could wish again,
And keep on going until Id passt ten.
Then Id keep wishing until I had a bunch,
Then Id stop, take a brake, and wish for something good for lunch.
After lunch Id wish more and pile up the wishes
Elleven, twelve, but not thurteen (you see, Im superstitious).
After I had a hunderd wishes, I think Id take a break.
I wouldnt want to get tired and make a foolish mistake.
If I had a thousand wishes, maybe thatd be enough,
Or maybe Id keep going, and wish for yet more stuff.
After a million wishes, I guess Id need no more.
So then Id start wishing for ideaes of things
To use my million wishes for.
Name Date
14
?
?
?
Michael, the five-year-old pest who trampels your rose bushes
Young children are drawn to the sound of bells. Get a bell that sounds just like the
one on your lockal ice cream truck. Go arond to the front of the house and ring the
bell. Close the gate after he leaves.
Ms. Peeve, the door-to-door
salesperson
Tell Ms. Peeve that you cant talk
right now. But youd like to talk
latter by telephone. Ask for Ms.
Peeves home phone number. This
should friten her away for good.
Steve, the teenage pest
Teenaegers dont like corny music.
Get a recording of some really
lame music. Turn the vollume up
louwd. This should get rid of Steve
in no time.
Bonnie, the cat who hides
under your porch
Cats are drawn to the sound of a can opening. Go out in the front yard, well away
from the affectted area. Open a can of something that cats dont like, like spinech or
green beans. Bonnie will come running. But shell be so disappointed that she wont
come back again.
Name Date
15
Find and mark the ten punctuation and capitalization errors.
Name Date
16
by Lulu the Spider
This is so embarrassing that
I can barely talk about it. Let
me start by telling you a little
bit about myself. Im a
spider. My name is Lulu.
I live in a web that I spin
each and every day. Its in
the attic of a building on
eighth street. I picked this
location because I have
Eight legs.
I eat insects. That may sound
yucky to you. I think they are delicious.
One more thing Ive got poisonous fangs. I could bring down an elephant if
I needed to: but I prefer insects.
This is my embarrassing moment. I was sitting in my web in the attic of 1818
Eighth Street, Hartford connecticut. I heard a rustling.Aha! I thought.Lunch!
I heard some struggling and a muffled cry for help. So I rushed over to the
noise. I wrapped the victim up in silk. I was just about to inject my poison when
I heard a voice cry. Its me! Walter!
Walter? I thought. It wasnt an insect at all. It was an arachnid, like me. In fact,
it was Walter the Spider, my boyfriend! I had caught him in my web! I had even
wrapped him up.
I was so embarrassed I thought Id never live it down. Walter forgave me and
we played on swings made of silk that Walter hung from my Web.
Name Date
Good Evening; Im Bob Drumm. Welcome to the Really Loud Noise Show. Each
week on The Really Loud Noise Show, we bring you the loudest noise we can find.
Well start off today with a really loud train going 80 miles per hour.
Next, we add, the trains whistle.
We follow the train noises with the noon ringing of bells in a nearby church.
The next thing you hear will be the sound heard if you were parked across the
street from the church in a car with huge stereo speakers blaring loud music while
your passenger is beating a garbage can with a hammer. Meanwhile a dog is sitting
in the backseat and is barking furiously at a Mail Carrier who is passing by.
For our final loud noise of the evening, the railroad tracks are next to a school
playground where one hundred screaming kindergarten students have just started
to play. Of course, an Ice cream truck has just pulled up.
Now thats some loud noise! See you next week, everyone! What? You cant hear
me? Id better speak louder!
17
Your brain has a left side and a right side. Each side is specialized for
different tasks.
Your left brain is good for arguing, counting money, thinking of excuses making
hasty decisions, changing TV channels, and thinking of someone to blame when
something goes wrong.
Your right brain is good for arranging furniture; jumping to conclusions, getting
mad when something goes wrong finding lost socks, and remembering where
things are in the refrigerator.
How do your two brains work together to solve a problem? Read the
following problem to find out.
Two trains leave their stations at exactly 12 noon. One is traveling at 80 miles per hour
from Baltimore to Pittsburgh. The other is traveling at 63 miles per hour from Pittsburgh to
baltimore. How much is the lunch special on the second train.
Your left brain springs into action first, thinking, I couldnt solve this problem in a
million years.
Then your right brain contributes
I cant solve this problem either.
Now your left brain takes control,
thinking, I give up. Theres no point
in trying?
Finally your right brain finishes
the task, Im hungry. Ill make a
peanut butter sandwich.
Name Date
18
TEEN BEAT: Welcome. Were interviewing
this months hottest new
bandThe Four whiners.
WHINERS: Hi.
TEEN BEAT: Why dont you introduce
yourselves.
GUMBY: Im Gumby Carlson. I do
the lead lip-synching.
WEASEL: Im Weasel Whitney. I just
stand on stage.
CINDY: Im Cindy Cruz from a
Ranch in Montana. I make
my lips pout. See?
MONICA: Im Monica Silver. I hum. Then everyone always tells me to be quiet.
TEEN BEAT: Tell us about your new CD called The Cheese songs.
GUMBY: We havent really heard it yet.
TEEN BEAT: Dont you know whats on it?
CINDY: You have to understand. First, real Musicians play the music.
WEASEL: Then good singers sing the songs.
MONICA: Then dancers are filmed for the videos.
TEEN BEAT: What do you four actually do.
WEASEL: We sort of hang around backstage and play card games.
TEEN BEAT: Is it true that, except for your photograph on the cover, you really
had no part in the making of your own hit CD?
GUMBY: (taking off his mask) Actually, we wear masks.
TEEN BEAT: (shocked) Oh, my goodness.
MONICA: (shrugs) Would you like our autographs!
Name Date
19
Welcome, to FAQ.com. FAQ stands for Frequently Asked Questions. FAQ.com
attempts to answer questions about those Questions.
Question: Whats your most frequently asked question?
Answer: The most frequently asked question is, What is your most
frequently asked question?
Question: Isnt that what I just asked?
Answer: No, you asked, Whats your most frequently asked question?
We answered The most frequently asked question is, What is
your most frequently asked question?
Question: Why am I so confused.
Answer: Thats the second-most frequently, asked question. The answer
is, Because the answer to your first question was so confusing,
youre still confused.
Question: So what should I do?
Answer: We suggest that you go to Confused.com. This, site gives
answers to people who have become confused after visiting
Our site. Good Luck.
Name Date
20
QUESTION
ANSWER
QUESTION
ANSWER
QUESTION
ANSWER
QUESTION
ANSWER
Home About Us Contact Us Still Confused?
Hello, Im Lucy Luck. Im a
private eye. I was sitting in my
office when Dr. Jane Hanks,
the famous Explorer, walked
in. A couple of years ago Dr.
Hanks found the famous
Mummys Gold. However, the
gold had been stolen from
her and shed been searching
for it ever since.
Look at this letter, Dr.
Hanks said. The letter
contained a map of what
looked like the Gobi desert.I traveled to Mongolia in asia and searched everywhere
in the southeast corner of the Gobi Desert. I didnt find the Gold.
Are you hungry, Dr. Hanks? I asked.Lets go eat dinner.
I took her to a dark and distant neighborhood. We walked into a little restaurant
called gobis.
Surely, she said, you dont think
I went to a small table in the southeast corner of the restaurant. A sign said,
Dessert. I looked under the table. There was a large chest filled with the
Mummys Gold!
You found it! cried Dr. Hanks How, can I ever thank you?
Its no big deal, I said, even though I knew it was.
I just have one question, said Dr. Hanks as we hauled the chest out.I looked
at the map. It says Desert, not Dessert. Its clear as a bell.
Hey, I said. People make mistakes.
They sure do? said Dr. Hanks.
Name Date
21
The following is the script for the new hit TV
show starring Jason Goozle and Jennie Fibb.
Jennie: Jason I cant go with you to the
Thanksgiving Dance.
Jason: Why not? Is it because Im dull
unpopular, and have a bad haircut.
Jennie: No, its not that.
Jason: Is it because Im rude, I mumble, and I never Stop talking about myself?
Jennie: No, its not that, either.
Jason: Then what is it Jennie? Is it because all of your friends hate me? Plus, I eat
dog food? And I havent taken a bath in over six months? Do you hold
those things against me, Jennie?
Jennie: No, Jason, I dont. I dont know how to say this?
Jason: Go ahead and say it, Jennie. I can take it.
Jennie: Theres not going to be a, Thanksgiving Dance, Jason.
Jason: Was it cancelled?
Jennie: No, it wasnt cancelled. There isnt any dance. There never was any dance. Its
not even Thanksgiving, Jason. Its july. You cant have a Thanksgiving Dance
in July.
Jason: So, does that mean you wont be going with me?
Jennie: No I wont.
Jason: One more thing, Jennie. Suppose it were Thanksgiving, and suppose there
were a Thanksgiving Dance. Would you have gone with me?
Jennie: Not a chance, Jason.
Jason: I, thought so.
Name Date
22
Juan: Welcome to Weird Spell 2002. Its the game where Players compete to see
who can spell words in the weirdest way. Im Juan Bost, your host. And now,
lets hear from our first weird speller.
Donna: My name is Donna pike. Im a really weird speller. One time I spelled cat
without a c, an a, or a t!
Juan: Wow! Heres your first word,
Donna. Spell fishes.
Donna: That would be p-h-i-c-i-o-u-s.
Juan: Thats really weird, Donna. How do you explain it!
Donna: The ph makes an F sound in the word phonograph.
Juan: Oh thats clever.
Donna: Then the end of the word is just like the end of Suspicious.
Juan: Thats clever, Donna. That sure is a weird way to spell a Word.
Donna: Thank, you very much. What do I win?
Juan: You win a million dollars!
sorry, did I say million ?
I meant to say, you win the
ten-dollar prize!
Donna: Well, thanks anyway
Juan: Thats all the time we have now for Weird Spell 2002the game where
players spell words in weird ways.
Name Date
23
Uhmaze-Zing
Kumpoott-her
Warning on Shoes
The soles on these shoes are
made of Rubber. In the event
that you are attacked by a
group of rubber-eating space
aliens, take off shoes. Do not
leave a trail of erasers for
them to follow!
Warning on
Alligator Exhibit
Please refrain from jumping over the fence swimming the moat scaling the wall, and
poking the alligators with a stick. Do not say; You cant hurt me a bit! Alligators can
hurt you a bit.
Warning on Movie Poster
This film is rated E P. (Extremely Pointless). please do not try to analyze the plot,
understand the characters, or figure out what happens in the end. For the most part,
this movie does not make any sense?
Warning on Tomato Sauce Can
Tomato sauce is not intended to be poured on cornflakes in hair, or in fish bowls.
People who pour it in their hair may develop symptoms of Tomato Sauce hair
Condition. This condition includes hair that smells like tomato sauce and that could
be eaten if somebody is foolish enough, to try it.
Name Date
24
Find and mark the ten grammar errors.
My name is Danny the K. I dont like to brag, but Ill probably the greatest
proofreader of all time. Ive proofread for presidents, kings, pop stars, quarterbacks,
and movie tycoons.
Ill never forget the day the
president call me up.Danny, he said.
You got to proofread my speech. Ill
gave you the Medal of Honor. Ill
name a street after you. Just tell me
what you want. Ill do it.
Hold on a second, Mr. President,
I say.I dont want a Medal of Honor.
I dont want a street. Im just a
proofreader. I just want to do my job.
You am right, said the president.Im sorry.
I proofreading the speech for him. Wouldnt you know it? That was the finer
speech he ever made!
Then there was the time my favorite actor, Marva Marvelous, called me.Darling,
she said.You just must proofread my new script. If you did, Ill give you anything. Ill
give you a million dollars.
Hold on a second there, Marva, I said.Im just a proofreader, not a movie star.
I cant take a million dollars for that.
Why not? Marva asked.
Because I want two million dollars, I said.
Now two million dollars may seem to be a ridiculous amount for someone to pay
for proofreading. But, I proofread this piece and you can see what a greatest job I did!
Name Date
25
Name Date
26
Congratulations! You is the proud new owner of the Pensington-400 Toasting System.
Before You Toast
Make sure that you have the
proper equipment. You will
need the Pensington-400, bread,
butters, a knife, safety goggles
and helmet, and a plate.
Safety Precautions
Always wore your safety goggles
and helmet when using the
toaster. When properly handled,
toast is 100% safe. Beware of
high-speed toast particles that
break off from the main bread
slice while buttering. These
particles can travel at speeds
up to 125 mile per hour.
Troubleshooting
Problem: My helmet come unsnapped while I was buttering. What should I do?
Solution: Stopped buttering immediately. With your left hand, stabilize the toast.
When you are sure the toast are safe, use your right hand to snap your
helmet. Once her helmet is secure, resume buttering.
Problem: I were making toast when I hear sirens. Firefighters broke down my front
door. What happened?
Solution: You may have burned your toast. Is it covered with flames? Do the flames
reach halfway to the ceiling? If so, then read page 54, How to survive a
burnt toast emergency.
Marvelous Muffin Mittens
While traveling in a rural area of upper Scotland, I notice the locals wearing
marvelous mittens. I said to Roland, my assistant, You and me need pairs of those
mittens. It seems the people were wearing special kinds of muffins shaped like
mittens. Now the new Pegwegger Collection offer Muffin Mittens. Of course, if you
get hungry, you can eat your mittens!
Bus Boy Slacks
Have you noticed how great caf bus boys look? Thats because they spill food
on their pants. The caf bus boy look will inspired fabulous pants. Be cautious,
dont wear the pants near hungriest dogs!
Tissue Box Shoes
I were lying by the pool in
Pango Pango when I noticed
that Id left my comfortabler
shoes inside my hotel room.
What was I to do? I taked two
tissue boxes and putted
them on my feet. Like all
great ideas, the Tissue Box
Shoes came from this event.
Furthermore, I wore the Tissue
Box Shoes in a soccer game and
score three goals!
Name Date
27
Name Date
28
The Saw-the-Assistant-in-Half Trick
First, I put my assistant in a box. Next, I wave a curtain over the box. Then, I saw the
box in half. Final, I put the two half back together. When my assistant gets up, the
audience applauds.
How its done: When I pull the curtain over the box I run backstage. I were
quickly replaced by a real magician who knows how to
do the trick. I stand backstage until the
trick are over. I run back at the end as the
audience applauded.
The Pull-a-Rabbit-Out-of-a-Hat Trick
First, I show the audience a hat. There is nothing
inside. Next, I put on the hat. Then,
I wave my hand and take off the hat.
When a rabbit jumps out, the
audience applauds.
How its done: When I wave my hand, Im actually giving the signal for a rabbit to
run onto the stage. This rabbit is a licensed magician and know how to performs
the trick flawlessly. When the trick is over, the audience applauds.
The Float-the-Assistant-Above-the-Stage Illusion
First, my assistant lies down. Next, I pass my cape over her. Then, she begins to
float. I pass hoops around her to show that she are not being held by wires. The
audience applauds.
How its done: When I pass my cape over my assistant, a flock of trained
hummingbirds flies on the stage and lifts her in the air. They hover in the air while
I pass hoops to show that there are no wires. When the hummingbirds left, my
assistant stands up and the audience applauded.
Centipede
On my day off, I try to stay off my
feet. I had one hundred of
them, you know. Sometimes
my brother and me go
shopping for shoes.
Thats not easy when
you each need
fifty pairs!
Toll Booth Collector
I loves collecting tolls. I sets up a table on my street. I collect tolls from bigger
cars, small trucks, and even children on tricycles. Dont worry, I always give the
money back!
Clown
I likes to go shopping for clown equipment. Do you know how hard is it to find
clown shoes? Or, has you ever shopped for glow-in-the-dark orange hair? Also, I like
to practice squirting people with lapel flowers.
House Fly
I sometime sit on a window blind for about twelve hours and do nothing. Most of
the time, I like making a pest of myself. Hey, when youre a fly, thats what you do!
Billionaire
I like to count money. I empty all the change from the pockets of my hundreds
of suits. I pulling the coins from my penny loafers. I like to make stacks
of coins and bills on my dining room table. My favorite hobby is
counting and this gives me a chance to practice it.
Name Date
29
There once was a smallest car company named Wulf whose cars were not
selling well.
The Big Boss was frustrated. She hire a boy to sit by the road and look at the cars
that went by.
You sit right here, she told the boy.Every time you saw a Wulf drive by I want
you to cry Wulf!
The boy done as he
was told. Each time a
Wulf drove by he
cried, Wulf!
This might have
been the end of the
story were it not for a
real wolf that happened to
come by.
The boy cry, Wolf! when he saw
the real wolf. But, not no one paid
any attention.
I mean it! he repeated.It be a wolf! Again, no one paid any attention.
So when the real wolf come to where the Big Boss was sitting, she and the
Wulf sales force panicked and run. The wolf stayed and ate all of the food on the
buffet table.
In the end, the boy stayed on the job until many year later when he took over as
Big Boss.
The moral of the story is . . .
Never cry wulf when its really a wolf!
Name Date
30
I still cant believe it. I always thought Id be a good mother, but something come
over me. I still dont know what.
I should say a little about myself. I was born in a larger pond. I come from a
biggest family. There was 4,000 in my family. Thats 2,000 girls and 2,000 boys. We
were the bigger family in the pond.
My mother leave us. We were only young tadpoles, but we were on our own.
I remember think, When I have kids, it wont be like this.
But then, sure enough, I lay about 5,000 eggs. I was determined to treat each and
every one of them like an individuals.
Then something came over me. Suddenly, I just hopped up and left. I got on the
Internet and looked up frog behavior. No wonder I let my tadpoles go!
Epilog
I was surprised and proud at how good my children all turned out. Thousands
made it. They is good croakers. They grew up tall and straight and green. Just like me!
Name Date
31
by Mary Frog
Name Date
32
Dear State-of-the-Art,
Recently, I seen the movie
Detonation, starring Arnold
Morphus. It had a lot of great
special effect. But, the part I
likeded best come near the end.
There were not no car chases, and
not even any space aliens in the
scene. The two characters was just
talking. How did they do that?
Signed,
Curious
Dear Curious,
The part of the movie that you
liked is called acting. Acting
requires that the stars act, talk,
and make gestures just like real
people. Though acting in todays
movies is quite rare, believe it or
not, in the olden days, acting was
actually quite common in movies!
Signed,
Dear State-of-the-Art,
How did they make the four
cockroaches speak its lines in
the movie Roach Motel?
Signed,
PUZZLED
Dear Puzzled,
This is an easy one! They
just hold up cue cards. The
roach read their lines right
off the cue cards.
Signed,
My name is Jenny Bosco. Im an Olympic swimmer. I swim in the 50-yard free-style
dog paddle. I always thought that Ruffles, my best friend, would be there beside me.
On the first day of training, I notice something was wrong. I jump in the pool, but
Ruffles didnt follow me.
I took her to seven different specialists.
They all came to the same conclusion:
Cats doesnt like water.
So each day, I would swim laps.
Ruffles would sat by the pool reading the
newspaper. But, Ruffles seem restless.
Then I heard more bad news. I took
Ruffles to the eye doctor. He tell me that
cats cant read.
Once again, I were crushed. I
thought, Ill won a gold medal in the
Olympics anyway.
Well, I didnt win a gold medal. In
fact, I missed the whole competition.
On the day of the race, I oversleep
and was disqualified. Ruffleses watch
had stopped!
I swam anyway. It was during the diving competition. I was almost hit by someone
doing a two-and-one-half-full-twisting gainer. But as the police escorted me away,
I thought about Ruffles. She may hate water. She may never learn to read. But, she
still is my best friend. I think she and I will go out for the three-legged race next
Olympics.
Name Date
33
Find and mark the twelve errors. They may be spelling, punctuation,
capitalization, or grammar errors.
Bert: Welcome to the quiz show, Are
You Jealous? Im Bert Envy, your
host. Our first contestunt is Edna
Fingers. Edna, here are your first
question. Suppose your best
friend Jasper gets a new puppy
for his birthday. Are you jealous.
Edna: No, Bert, Im not.
Bert: Correct for 50 points! And
whats your reson, Edna?
Edna: I has my own puppy, Bert. Plus,
my puppy doesnt chew on
shoes the way Jaspers
puppy does.
Bert: Very nice, Edna, heres your
second question. Suppose Jasper get invited to go over to Scooters house
to play and you dont get to go. Are you jealous?
Edna: No, Im not, Bert. Ill tell you why. I dont like to go over to Scooters and
play with his Video games. Id rather stay here by myself.
Bert: And that is correct for 100 points! Now heres your final question, Edna.
Your friend Jasper gets to be on the TV show Who wants a Sandwich? Are
you jealous?
Edna: No, Im not Bert, because Im currently appearing on a TV show.
Bert: Who Wants a Sandwitch? is a more popular show than Are You
Jealous? So, youre incorrect, Edna. You should be jealous. Thats mynus
150 points! Which brings your score to zero, goose egg, nothing.
Edna: Bye, Bert. Im going to try out for Who Wants a Sandwich?
Bert: Thats all the time we has now. See you next time?
Name Date
34
My fellow Classmates, as pressident of our class, I know that you have put your
trust in me. You trusted me when you elected me president. You trusted me when
we passed the recess rule that increased the length of recess by over 15
purcent. You trusted me when I asked for their support on the candy ban.
At that time; I explained how I felt. Candy is bad for you. It rot your teeth.
Its expensive. Basically, it has no place in our school.
When we passed the candy ban, I felt proud. I felt we had done something for all
of the students of webster School. I still feel that way.
Recently though, some trubbling events have come to light. Candy wrappers
were found in my locker. My book bag was described as smelling like chocolate.
Id like to tell you that these
accusations are a mistake. Id like to say
that I didnt bring candy to school. Id like
to say that I didnt eat it secretly in the
Student Council Room, stuffing it into my
mouth as fast as I could.
But if I telled you these things, Id be
lying. All I can tell you is that I am sorry.
What did I learn from this experiense? I
learned about honesty. I learned about
responsibility. I learned that its easier to
talk the talk than to walk the walk. I
learned all of these things. But most of all,
I learnt something about myself.
I learned that I really like candy.
Name Date
35
Question: How do we know that Earth goes
around the sun?
Dr. Science: Its obvious that Earth goes
airound something. Is it a Telephone pole? Is
it a raccoon? If you look closely in a science
book you will see a digram with a Tiny Earth
traveling around the sunnot around a
telephone pole or a raccoon?
Question: What are photosynthesis?
Dr. Science: Photosynthesis is what
happens when someone is taking a
picture and you look the other way. Then
you get the photograph back and you look
really stupid. Then you say, Photosynthesis
caused that to happen.
Question: How do a cumputer work?
Dr. Science: There is three ways to make a computer work. First, plug it in. Second
turn it on. And third, say out lowd, Why wont this thing work?
Question: Why do birds fly south?
Dr. Science: Birds are looking for coins on the ground. They fly a little bit. Then they
fly a little bit more. Pretty soon, they ends up in Florida.
Name Date
36
The following is some of the most outrageously rong numbers ever dialed.
This first call came to the house of Mr. Rudy Remo of Baltimore, maryland.
Listen closerly.
Caller: Hello, whos this?
Rudy: No who is this?
Caller: I was trying to call 555-3221.
Rudy: This is 555-9928. Youre not
even close!
Caller: Wow! Youre right. Im sorry.
I really am.
Rudy: Thats okay. It could happen
to anyone.
But could it happen to anyone? Listen to what happens next at the Remo household.
Caller: Hello, is Erica there?
Rudy: There is not no Erica here. What number were you trying to reach?
Caller: I am trying to reach 555-3221.
Rudy: Well, your off by a mile. This is 555-9928. Say, didnt you just call a few
minutes ago?
Caller: (disguising his voice) Who, I? No, it must have been someone else.
There you have ita number so wrong that we have our esperts analyze the last
four digits. Do you know what they found! Every digit was wrong! Not a single digit
was correct! Now, hows that for a shocking event?
Name Date
37
Winning a match is great, said tennis legend Tanya Macarena. But do you know
whats more important than winning? What I wear on the court. Thats what its real-
ly all about.
It wasnt always like this for Tanya Macarena. At one point she was satisfyed just
winning matches. And, as the Top player in the world, she won a lot of matches.
But something were missing, revealed Tanya.I would win my match, but then I
would look over and see that my opponents outfit was silliest than mine. This
bothered me.
So Tanya hired Minnie Vulch to desin her tennis outfits.
Ms. Vulch said, I dont know nothing about fashtion. Youll be able to tell by
my designs.
Over time; Ms. Vulch helped design dozens of new outfits for Tanya. Each one was
silly than the last.
At first, my outfits were silly, but not really ridiculous, said Tanya.The real
breakthrough came at the U.s. Open. I wore what can be discribbed as a clown suit.
I was amazed she could play with those big floppy shoes and the red rubber
nose, confessed Minnie.
But Tanya not only
playedshe won!
This made her the
silliest dressed and
worlds best tennis player!
Name Date
38
There once was a donkey who lived with a farmer and a dog. The donkey
worked hard every day. The donkey carry bundles of sticks. It pulled the plow.
The dog, on the other hand, did very little but sleep. Each evening on the porch,
the dog sat on the farmers lap. It licked the farmers face. The farmer scratcht the
dogs ears and said, What a good dog you is.
By and by, the donkey began to grow gealous.Why should I work so hard?
it asked.
That day, the donkey refussed to work.
When the farmer returned home from the felds, the donkey came running. It
jumped into the farmers lap, just like a dog. It tried to lick the farmers face, just
like a dog.
Get off! cried the farmer. Youre too heavy! Youll broken my lap!
The farmer locked the donkey in the barn. A few days later he sold the donkey
to a neighbor. The neighbor worked the donkey very hard. She worked the donkey
much harder than the farmer had.
What a fool Ive been, said the
donkey.now my life is much
worse than it was before.
Be who you is, unless youre a fool.
Then, dont be who you are.
Name Date
39
There oncet was a dog who lived with a farmer and a donkey. The dog sleep all
day while the donkey worked in the fields.
Im tired of working, said the donkey.
Im tired of sleeping said the dog.
Lets switsh places! they both said simultaneously.
The next morning, the donkey stayed home and slept. The dog worked. The dog
pulled the wagon. It plowed the fields. The dog carried bags on its back. As the day
continued, the dog grew more and more exhosted.
The donkey slept. The donkey yawned. It swished flies with its tail. The donkey
looked in the window of the farmers house. It was only 9:30 in the morning. The
donkey were bored. Sleeping all day was boring.
That evening, the donkey meet the dog at the fence.Well, how did it go, my
frend? the donkey asked the dog.
Lets switch back to our old roles, said the dog.you work and Ill sleep.
All right, said the donkey.
So the next day, the donkey worked and the dog slept.
And they continued to be this way from then on.
Do not never switch places with
a donkey.
Name Date
40
There were two outs in the ninth inning. Benny Bragan was sitting on the bench.
His team was loosing by a score of 19 to 0. But Benny Bragan wasnt no loser. He was
knocking on the door of one of baseballs greatest all-time records: the number of
fidgets in one game.
The orriginall record had been set by Old Hoss Mueller back in 1931. But Old
Hoss had a big avantage. Players wore itchy wool uniforms back then, even on
hot summer days. No wonder players squirmed and fidgeted so much.
Benny had the misfortune of playing in an era when players wore Cotton
uniforms. Yet here it was, the ninth inning, and bragan had fidgeted 106 times
alreadythats over eleven fidgets
per inning!
As the pitcher went into his
wind-up, Benny suddenly heard a
noise. It were thunder. A rain cloud
appeared. Soon, the field was soaked
with rain.
Benny Bragan was one fidget short
of the all-time record.
One fidget!
Did Benny Bragan have any regrets.
Not really, said Benny after the
game.The important thing is that I
tried. I squirmed and fidgeted as best I
could. I gave it my all. I has no regrets.
Benny Bragan are a sports heroe we
can only aspire to be!
Name Date
41
Recently the idea of electing a horse president, of the United States has come up for
consideration. Consider these points based on the U.S. Constitution.
Horses is natural born citisens. The Constitution says that the president must
be a Natural born Citizen. Thats what horses is, except for those that were born in
foreign countries. But, you wouldnt expect them to run for president.
Horses are honest. Have you ever met a dishhonest horse? A horse would make
a good president because horses never lie.
Horses dont take special interest money. Huemans can be bribed with
money. All horses want are carrots and sugar cubes. This makes them harder to bribe.
Horses know what its like to be ridden on and controlled by the rider.
They has learned that they dont always get things their own way.
Horses are good at balancing the budget. Okay, so heres one thing that isnt
true. Horses probably aint very good at budgets. But otherwise; theyd make
good presidents.
Lets ellect a horse soon!
Name Date
42
43
Superheroes Youve Never Heard Of, page 7
Official Fan Club News for Matt Head,
Professional Wrestler, page 10
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If I Had Three Wishes, Heres What Id Do, page 14 The Really Loud Noise Show, page 17
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Teen Beat Magazine Interview: The Four Whiners, page 19 Beach Teens, page 22
The Case of the Mummys Gold, page 21 Classic Warning Labels, page 24
FAQ.com, page 20 Weird Spell 2002, page 23
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Can a Horse be Elected President
of the United States?, page 42
Great Sports Records: The Tanya Macarena Story, page 38 Great Sports Records: The Benny Bragan Story, page 41
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