lin ith

bellious
gers
Brian M. Abshire, PhD.
Introduction
Many years ago, when God gave us our first child,
I made a silent promise to myself to stop giving
advice on child-rearing until AFTER my own kids
were safely grown up, educated, married and still in
the faith. Quite frankly, I have always been less than
impressed with men who "knew it all" theoretically,
but were unable to put their wonderful theories into
practice. For example, I have known "experts" who
were "brilliant" marriage counselors but ended up
divorced; and I have seen more than a few men with
international reputations as Bible scholars whose
personal lives were terrible messes. I certainly did not
want to join these ranks but instead demonstrate that
by consistently applying basic Biblical principles we
had succeeded in raising godly, self-governed kids.
But I do not always have the luxury of covering my
assets this way. One of a Pastor's most important
duties is to proclaim and explain the Word of God
for the benefit of His people. If we pastors do not
or cannot understand and apply God's principles
of managing the family, then we ought to show a
little integrity and go sell used cars or something.
Therefore, despite my reservations, I need to address
some issues in this essay that will be far too close to
home for many Christians; when "good" kids go bad.
This is not going to be an easy essay for you to read.
I have some hard things to say and some will accuse
me of being harsh and uncharitable. But honestly and
sincerely, I really do want to help. And sometimes,
the kindest, most loving thing you can do is telling
someone something that they would rather not hear.
Sadly, most sadly, over the past 22 years of
professional ministry, I have seen more than a few
Christian parents struggling with rebellious teenagers.
22 the COUNSEL ofCHALCEDON
The more "spiritual" parents recognize that they
OUGHT to have their children under control, and
usually, they sincerely want to do what is right; but so
often, their teenagers are still a mess inside and out.
Oh, their kids may not necessarily be drug taking,
fornicating, body pierced, gang-banger, wannabes;
the kind one sees in the local high school population
(though that happens often enough). But many
Christian parents find that at best, their kids, are
sullen, disrespectful, and argumentative, disinterested
in Church, and cannot wait to leave home. And even
more sadly, some Christian parents discover that they
have raised a son of hell who terrorizes the entire
family with his folly and rebellion.
Clearly, something has gone seriously wrong,
somewhere. Yet, if we look around, we can find
many Christian families with teenagers who do
not fall by the wayside. I have known a number of
teenagers who were polite, self-motivated and self-
governed young men and women with a sense of
purpose and maturity that made one forget their age.
So, the problem is not that ALL Christian teenagers
go bad, just that SOME of them have troubles. Are
there things that these kids (and their parents) share
in common? If so, it might explain what can be done
to keep YOUR kids from ripping your life and family
apart.
Three of our children have now entered their teens.
Our kids are sinners, just like everyone else's. And
yet, they are universally regarded as polite, respectful,
well-mannered, conscientious, helpful, diligent,
young adults with tender hearts towards God. They
have well-developed senses of humor, and are a lot
of fun to be around. Furthermore, I know that my
kids (as special as they are to Elaine and me) are not
exceptional; not really. Many other Christian parents
have seen their own children grow into responsible,
self-governed young men and women. In doing
informal research with the families (like ours) who
do NOT have problems with their teens, I discovered
that in fact, we did do many of the same things in
raising our kids. And it certainly appears that families
struggling with rebellious teenagers demonstrate
consistent patterns that may well help explain why
things went wrong.
Therefore, I want to offer the following principles of
family life that seem to directly apply to raising God
honoring teenagers; teenagers who grow into mature,
godly adults. I offer these principles, certainly not out
: ," .. :-
Dealing with Rebellious Christian Teenagers
of any sense of condescension, or pride, but rather in
a sincere attempt to give some insight about certain
underlying dynamics that some sincere parents seem to
miss. The main point I am going to make (and the one
most controversial) is that the root problem is almost
never the teenager, but the training and discipline
practices of the parents. If we as parents understand
and apply God's principles, then it seems to me that our
children will never have to go through rebellion.
Expectations
Everyone has expectations about life. You expect a
certain kind of job to give you a sense of challenge,
fulfillment and a living wage. You expect your friends
to treat you a certain way, and feel hurt, frustrated,
angry or even embittered if people do not meet these
expectations. You expect your church to bring you
closer to God. You expect your spouse to make you feel
loved, significant and secure. And you expect certain
things from your children.
The problem is not that we have expectations, but
whether or not those expectations are Biblical. All of
life must be lived on God's terms, and God's terms
alone. I would argue that most of the angst afflicting
so many modern Christians stems from unbiblical
expectations. Whether they realize it or not, understand
it or not, or even want it or not, they have allowed the
world to give them a series of basic expectations about
life that are inconsistent with God's revelation.
While the whole subject of expectations is too broad
to go into detail about here, many parents have
unconscious assumptions about their family life that
direcdy contributes to raising ungodly children. The
Aposde Paul says in Ephesians 6:4 "And fathers, do not
provoke yottr children btt! bring them up in the discipline and
instrtlction of the Lord. JJ When parents have unbiblical
expectations of their children, and then demand that
their children live up to those expectations, it cannot
help but provoke them to anger.
For example, a common unbiblical (and often
unconscious) expectation is that our children exist to
make US feel good about ourselves. Many Christians
see having children as just another part of the perfect
life; raising kids is an "experience" rather than a duty
to a holy God. And yes, there is a certain degree of
truth to this; children are a blessing from the Lord (psa
127:1ff). Every parent feels a sense of wonder, joy and
yes, even lawful pride in their children. When they are
young, they are totally dependent upon us, and look to
us for answers about everything. Litde kids look up to
their parents, and it does make us feel great to have
their love and affection. And as far as it goes, all of
the above is perfecdy normal, healthy and natural. God
commands children to "honor" their parents. And there
is nothing wrong with a parent desiring, and expecting,
their children's respect.
However, all of us are sinners and fall short of the
glory of God. And some of us fall short when deep
down inside, where we never let anyone else see what's
, going on, we really want our children to be extensions
of our own ego. We expect our children to bolster our
own pride. I am sure you have seen the same things
as I have; parents pushing their kids into all sorts of
activities, insisting they excel JUST so the parents can
bask in their accomplishments.
Whether or not such parents realize it, what they
communicate to their children from a very young age
is that "my love, affirmation and affection for you, is
tied to your performance for me." The performance
may differ according to the tastes and interests of
the parents. Some Christian fathers are notorious for
insisting that their kids perform on the athletic field
for no other reason than they want to relive their own
youths. Others may want their children to excel in
academics. Some are happy if their kids are "popular"
or involved in social events. The specifics do not matter
so much as the fundamental sinful orientation that our
children exist to make us look good to the world.
N ow, let us be honest. Every parent wants their children
to do well in life. All of us take legitimate and lawful
pleasure when our children excel at anything. And all of
us have occasionally "bragged" about our kids in one
way or another. And to be honest, I do not necessarily
think any of this is necessarily a bad thing. Our children
need to know that the people most important to them
love them, appreciate them, and RESPECT them, as
individuals, value their accomplishments, and take
legitimate pride in their achievements.
The problem is that far too many Christian parents are
simply using their children to make themselves look
good to others. I once watched a mother "bragging"
on her teenage son to some friends while he was sitting
nearby reading a book A group of mothers were "one-
upping" each other with their teenage children's exploits
and this Mom wanted to join in. The sad thing was that
the family was totally dysfunctional and the parent child
relationship almost non-existent. Though the teen was
the COUNSEL of CHALCEDON 23
Dealing with Rebellious Christian Teenagers
involved with a number of events in the secular high
school he attended, his parents never attended any
of them, nor saw them as particularly important or
noteworthy UNTIL Mom needed something to brag
about. The fact that Mom understood little of what her
son did at school did not stop her from pontificating
about his activities to her friends. I watched the son
growing red with embarrassment, frustration and
bitterness. He then started correcting her, in that nasty,
smug, condescending way that punk teenagers have
a way of doing, which naturally, got her most upset;
The situation soon became awkward and difficult for
everyone as the 15 year old explained in scathing detail
just how badly his Mom had gotten it wrong. He theri
stomped out of the room.
Later on, Mom asked me what was the problem; she
was just trying to build her son up in front of these
other women. But the reality, which of course she never
wanted to hear, was that she was in self-deception. She
wasn't bragging on her son to make
goal is selfishness, then their kids will know it, and act
accordingly. After all, do YOU like being used by others?
How do you respond if someone places unrealistic, or
selfish expectations on your behavior? You may not
have thought about it quite the same way as I explained
above, but surely, there are churches you left, friends
that you no longer hang out with, relationships that
went sour, simply because you KNEW they were using
you. And if you responded this way to others, might
it not help explain why some kids might respond the
same way to you?
What expectations SHOULD parents have for their
children? A parent can expect and demand that their
children fulfill the moral law of God (i.e., the Ten
Commandments). God's moral law is His will for every
human being. He wants us to love Him, and love others
with the Ten Commandments defining the content of
"love." Now as a part of the moral law, parents can
certainly expect that their children will respect them,
since God requires this in the fifth
him look better, she was bragging to
make herself look better. And he knew
it, even if she did not. And this young
man spent most of his teenage years as a
godless, pagan. Now as the saying goes,
"one robin does not a Spring, make" and
we would be remiss to over-generalize
from this one incident (but trust me,
that family had a LOT of problems).
Furthermore, not for a moment am I
A parent can ex-
pect and demand
that their children
fulfill the moral law
commandment. Beyond this, parents
need to see the relationship with their
children as one of stewardship. Children
are entrusted into our care so that we
may love them, teach them, discipline
them and prepare them for their calling
in life. They do not exist for our pleasure,
pride or privilege. We exist for them.
Children are God's way of bringing His
of God (i.e. the Ten
Commandments).
excusing or justifying this little snot's
behavior. However, if we want a more detailed
explanation for why this relationship had broken down,
we need to look a little further than his breaking the
fifth commandment. I would argue that the mother set
up a situation that frustrated and exasperated the young
man, which led him to sin. Her sin does not of course
excuse his sin. But that of course is the point isn't it?
Children have a duty to respect and honor their parents,
but parents also have a corresponding duty to merit that
respect in the first place. Obviously, this family just did
not "get" it and they suffered the consequences.
Thus, parents need to haul out their souls and do a
little searching. What is it REALLY that they expect
from their children? What motivates them, and what
is it they want to accomplish?, Are they trying to raise
dominion-oriented, self-governed godly young men
and women who will change the world for Christ,
or is there something a little less savory operating
in the background? It may well be, that if their real
24 the COUNSEL of CHALCEDON
people into the world, and therefore
we serve God, by serving our children.
Eventually, the vast majority of children will grow up,
get married and work at their dominion calling. God
has created each of us with certain gifts, talents, abilities
and liabilities to serve somewhere in His kingdom. And
remember; God chose the weak things and the foolish
things of this world to confound the wise. Our goal as
parents therefore is to understand as best we can, the
kind of person that God has entrusted to our care, and
then, prepare him for glorifying Him in whatever way
best suits his individual gifts.
Thus, our goal is, not to raise doctors, lawyers, or
CEO's. Nor is it even to raise ministers, missionaries
or martyrs for the faith. Instead, God has a divine call
on our children. Our job is to help that child find his
calling, and prepare him for extending the Kingdom of
God in. the area for which he is best suited. Thus, his
academic performance, athletic achievements or even
social standing are simply unimportant unless they are
related to his life goal. And parents have a divine right
Dealing with Rebellious Christian Teenagers
to EXPECT that their children will grow to be godly
men and women. But how do we instill within our
children the moral law of God?
Consistent Family Worship
If the problem is UNGODLY teenagers, it is not really
an answer is it, to saywe ought to expect them to become
godly. The real issue is how do we get our children to
internalize God's values and priorities. Let me suggest
that in studying families with rebellious teenagers,
seldom (if ever) have I found that the father was doing
his job leading the family in consistent worship. Daily,
family worship is NOT just a nice idea, or a neat little
religious ritual that the super-spiritual do to impress
their friends at church. I have argued many times, in
many places that family worship is the absolute, vital
foundation for raising godly children (see our essays
on this subject at www.highlands-reformed.com). If a
family does not have a father who teaches the family
on a consistent basis the commandments, principles,
statutes of our God and King, then the children are
almost doomed to rebellion later on in life.
Think with me for a moment; most parents have
delegated child rearing to the schools, the church or the
community. The average parent is so involved with his
own interests, goals, work and hobbies that he actually
spends very little time with his children. The average
kid watches about four hours of TV per day. They are
educated far too often in public schools where they are
propagandized with a subtle, but powerful message
that at best, Christianity is just a personal choice. They
are allowed to mimic their pagan peers in dress, values
and priorities. And then we expect that an hour-long
service on Sunday morning, plus maybe 45 minutes of
a Bible story will properly ground them for life! Is it
any wonder that broad evangelicals lose approximately
70% or more of their children to worldliness by the age
of 25?
Family worship however roots the entire family in the
word of God on a daily basis. It is a time where the
father demonstrates his understanding and application
of God's principles to the problems, frustrations and
trials of THEIR actual situation. It requires the father
to be the head of his house, and therefore gives the
children a model of godliness and fatherly love. It
teaches the children how to study the Scriptures for
themselves and how to find answers to the problems
they will face. It helps inoculate them from humanism
in all its guises. And most importantly, it makes Jesus
Christ the center of every single day.
Family worship consists of glorifying God in reverent
praise, prayer, the reading of Scripture and its
application to life. But what do MOST Christians do?
Sadly, nothing. The "super-spiritual" MAY read from a
little devotional book that has some pietistic, platitudes,
but I think, this often seriously does more harm than
good. What is the message you are sending your
children when your family worship consists of reading
from. two verses of Scripture, and then some warm,
mushy thoughts that have no direct application? What
you have just demonstrated is that Christianity is a ritual
that you perform; get safely out of the way, so you can
then live your life just like the pagans!
If you want to keep your kids from rebelling, then you
need to show them on a daily basis that God is central
to every area of life (1 Ptr 2:2, 2 Tim 3: 16-17, Col 3:
16, Josh 1:8, etc.). Family worship is the mechanism
God Himself gave us to teach our children His way
of looking at things (Deut 6:6ff). Every day, as you
open the Scriptures, your children are seeing that your
religion is more than a hobby, but the center of your
life. And as a result, over time, they will naturally and
organically internalize this into their own lives as well.
Discipline when Young
I believe a strong case can be made that despite the
effects of original sin, most covenant children WANT
to respect and honor their parents. In fact, let me go
one step further, if you find that a child is disrespectful
or rebellious, as mentioned earlier, odds are that the
parents caused the problem. Again, at the risk of over-
generalization, my experience has been that troubles
with teens started back when the kids were toddlers.
Parents either had inconsistent standards of discipline
or enforced their standards according to their feelings.
When the parents felt good, the kids got away with
murder. When the parents were stressed out or under
pressure, they yelled and screamed. Often, many kids
discovered that if they whined, cried, threw themselves
on the floor and had a "hissy-fit" that Mom and Dad
would give into them. So, while they were young, (and
depending upon the temperament and personality) the
kids were not rebellious because the parents abdicated
their authority and made them the real rulers of the
house. Since they are children, their demands were
not too burdensome. However, now come the teenage
years. Little Billy now wants to get his ears pierced, and
little Sally now dresses like a prostitute. There are "fun"
things out there they want to explore and discover, and
suddenly, the parents realize that their kids are on the
slippery slope to apostasy.
the COUNSEL of CHALCEDON 25
Dealing with Rebellious Christian Teenagers
But what did they expect? Ever since their little darlings
were babes, the parents taught them that they could
have whatever they wanted, and that there were no
negative sanctions against rebellious behavior. They
coddled them, refused to spank their little heinies when
it would have done some good, and let their kids get
away with murder. Now that the kids have grown up,
the parents turn to the pastor, the church, psychologists
and counselors and expect the "experts" to fix the
problem before little Billy commits actual murder!
Sadly, I am not sure if there IS a fix. We live in a
humanistic age. And while spanking a 16 year old is still
within your God given rights as a parent, the State will
not look kindly on it. Your other options are limited
because you no longer have as much control over
their environment (see our discussion of "sanctions"
later on). You had your chance to exercise discipline
when they were young. It is probably too late now. The
best you can do is to remove the hellion from your
family. This in fact is what the Old Testament case
laws require; rebellious sons are to be "cut off" from
the family. They must be considered "dead." And the
pain you feel at that loss, is caused because you did not
discipline them consistently, and appropriately, when
they were young.
However, what is the most common response? Parents
with rebellious teenagers continue to subsidize their
kid's sin. They bail them out of trouble. They find
excuses. They ask for "prayer." What they will not do is
what God requires; cut the children off. And honestly,
I understand the emotion behind this. Every parent
feels considerable affection for their children and hates
the thought of them suffering. But affection is not the
same thing as love. In Scripture, love is a commitment
to do what is RIGHT for another, regardless of
personal cost. Affection is a warm, mushy feeling that
in and of itself is not a bad thing since it is a lot easier
to do what is right for someone, if you LIKE them.
But the problem here is that people use their feelings of
affection as an excuse or justification for NOT doing
what is right. It is hard to go against one's feelings. The
Puritans understood this and because of they feared
that their natural affection for their children would
undermine their discipline, they often swapped children
with other parents during teenage years (see my Essay,
"The Puritan Family" available at www.highlands-
reformed. com) !
So, if you do not want to have to cut your children off
as teens, discipline and correct them consistently when
26 the COUNSEL ofCHALCEDON
they are toddlers. Set definite standards for the family
and enforce them. Require children to behave. Correct
them when necessary, and spank them for rebellion.
Win the battle at 2, and you will not lose them at 12.
Primary Identification with the Family,
Rather than Peers
When children rebel, they are unlawfully resisting the
standards of the family and the authority of the parents.
And because we are all sinners, who fall short of the
glory of God, there is within all of us the tendency to
resist lawful authority. Men sometimes rebel against the
lawful authority of the church. Wives sometimes rebel
against the lawful authority of their husbands. And all
children, at some point will rebel against the lawful
authority of the parents.
But I am not satisfied that simply ascribing a theological
rationale here is enough. Sure, all people rebel against
all authority because that is the consequence of our
father Adam's sin. But frequently, there are reasons
WHY people rebel. We have already noted Ephesians
6:3 where Paul commands parents not to "exasperate"
their children, in effect, inciting rebellion. Are there
other implications here?
I would argue, "yes" there are. When you allow your
children to develop values that either compete or
contradict YOUR values, you are setting them up for
rebellion. A teenager is no longer a child, but not quite
yet ready for adult responsibilities. Not only do they have
all the problems associated with a changing hormonal
balance, but also the integration of everything they have
ever learned about life. Things they have assumed since
childhood must now be tested and tried. They are in the
process of becoming a person, in their own right.
Sadly, most Christians have allowed their children's
core values to be formed by some other entity than
the family. In most modern homes, children have been
carefully segregated from the family at a young age and
placed in environments where their peers are the most
important people in their lives. Think about this; most
Christian kids go to some sort of school (sadly, far too
often, public ones) where they spend six hours a day
with other children their own age. After school, they
again play with kids their own age. We segregate them
at church so again; they spend most of their time with
their peers. We encourage them to develop friendships
with no adult supervision. Furthermore, the older
they get, the more likely they are to develop interests,
hobbies and relationships with others outside of the
family.
.. ;
Dealing with Rebellious Christian Teenagers
Meanwhile, on the home front, Dad is busy working
during the day. Often, Mom is too. Kids almost
NEVER spend time with their siblings because they too
are carefully segregated. The "Soccer Mom" syndrome
is now an American cliche; the average Christian Mom
spends most of her time ferrying her children from one
activity to another.
Now, just WHEN does this family actually operate as a
family? When do they spend time together? When do
the parents really have time or opportunity to develop
their children's core values? The answer of course is,
they don't. By the time the average Christian kid hits
his teenage years, the values of his friends are far more
important that those of his family, because he spends
MOST of his time with them! They are the ones he
relates to, derives significance and meaning from and
whose values he adopts. Parents can pontificate all they
want to about the importance of the family, but the
sad fact is MOST Christians do not spend ANY quality
time with their kids on a regular basis.
amounts of time with your children. I believe that
even secular American culture realizes that the myth
of "quality time" was just that, a myth. If you want
your kids to develop your values, then you MUST
spend time with them, every day. You have to tallc
with them (not at them). You have to work together,
worship together, and play together. When you made
the decision to raise a family, you also made a decision
that your own hobbies, desires and interests would be
put on hold until the job was done. If you want to raise
godly children, you will have to sacrifice. Even secular
NIoms now realize that they cannot "have it all" by
having a career and a family, one must always give way
to another. Dads cannot afford to invest all his time and
energy on his job because his kids need him.
We do not have time, or space to develop this concept
further, but we need to realize that there have been
significant sociological changes in \'Vestern culture that
have direct implications for the family (see my essay,
"The Industrial Revolution and the
Sure, you went camping with them or
took a yearly vacation with them. But
honestly, did you not find that your
older children were bored, disinterested,
squabbling with their younger siblings
and ready to go home? Does your
teen spend hours on the phone talking
with friends? Where do you think your
kids got the idea in the first place for
what determines appropriate dress or
manners?
... one possible reason
for why your kids are
in rebellion is that you
taught them from a
young age that their
Christian Family" available on our web-
site - www.highlands-reformed.com).
In the old days, a father worked at
home, and his sons worked beside him.
Mothers worked in the home, and spent
most of the day with her daughters. In
the evening, before television, parents
and children tallced, fellowshipped and
played games together. Since life, work
and leisure, were all centered on the
peers were more
important than their
parents.
Let me suggest that one possible reason for why your
kids are in rebellion is that you taught them from a
young age that their peers were more important than
their parents. And now that they are struggling with
becoming an adult, they are simply being consistent
with the basic presuppositions YOU gave them years
ago. They are rebelling now, because their values differ
from yours, and you do not like it. But honestly, what
did you expect? You let their teachers influence them,
their friends, popular culture, etc., and now you are
upset because they are rejecting your values? Get real!
There is an alternative. And that is to inculcate your
children with your values from an early age by spending
time with them. This may well mean home-schooling
them. It certainly means daily family worship with
them. And almost assuredly, it will mean that you will
have to sacrifice your personal interests to spend large
home, it made the family the center of
most human activity. But since the Industrial Revolution,
most men now have to work out of the home. Most
families move away from one geographical area and so
larger family ties are broken and become insignificant.
Industrial education means kids are separated from
their parents at a young age. And as a result, Christians
lose their ties to their past, and to their families.
There is no going back in time. Therefore, we must
develop new strategies for keeping the family together.
It will be hard; it will put us at odds sometimes with the
expectations and practices of even our Christian peers.
But if you want to save your children from a lifetime of
misery, it must be done. The only question is, "how?"
Impart Your Values
Allow me to suggest the key to imparting your values is
based on Deuteronomy 6:6ff. God says, ".Alld tbese }}Jol'ds
}}Jbicb I am cOlJllllal1dillgjOlf todCl)' sball be Oil jOlfr beart alld YON
the COUNSEL ofCHALCEDON 27
Dealing with Rebellious Christian Teenagers
shall teach them diligentlY to your sons and shall talk if them
Ivhen yO!t sit if! YONr hottse and when you Ivalk 1!Y the IVery and
Iphm you lie do}Ptl and Ivhm yotl lise trp ... " This world is not
autonomous. God created all things for His own glory,
and every aspect of life is to be lived according to His
precepts, statutes and commandments. Therefore, the
Bible itself requires parents to relate every area of life,
every day, to the Word of God.
This is a little different than the formal kind of family
worship we discussed earlier. As important as family
worship is, the danger is that we can reduce it to just
another religious ritual to get out of the way so we
can get on with living our own life, according to our
own standards. Deuteronomy 6:6ff however requires
something else; relating the Law to everything we do,
everyday. A friend of mine calls this, "teaching in the
milieu" and means that as you spend time with your
kids in normal, day-to-day activities, you teach them to
see how God's principles apply to every situation. Thus,
your kids learn, from you, how to wisely use their time,
money and energy, resolve problems, and establish
priorities, to work hard and effectively, all for the glory
of God.
The problem of course is that far too many Christians
do not know, nor do they apply God's principles. Their
basic operating principle is that "religious" things are
important for one's personal, spiritual life, but have no
direct relationship to the "real" world. Oh, they may
have certain moral values that relate (such as not lying,
or saying bad words, or not smoking or something of
the sort) but in most areas, Christians will think and
act, just like the culture around them. Kids will quickly
notice the fact that the parents too often do not have a
consistent worldview. When they ask, "Why Daddy do
you say this, but do that" Dad has no real answer. He
has no answer, because his own basic presupposition is
essentially autonomy. He will determine good and evil
for himself thank you. He is under "grace" not "law."
After all, this is what he himself has been taught by the
Church for years (not surprising since he sought out
just this kind of church in the first place.). Therefore,
this father has no objective basis for his moral values
apart from his own will.
N ow guess what Junior has just learned from his father?
"If Dad can pick and choose HIS values, why can't I?"
So what if Junior's values are different than Dad's.
Who's to say which one is right, or wrong? If Dad does
not have a comprehensive, consistent and coherent
Biblical worldview, then neither will Junior. And Junior
28 the COUNSEL of CHALCEDON
may decide that body piercing, or drunkenness, or
fornication are all perfectly acceptable because his basic
operating assumption is that "we're under grace not law
and that means I can do what I want!"
N ow, Mom and Dad will fret and worry and cry
themselves to sleep at night over Junior's rebellion, but
he is just acting consistently on the premises he learned
from them; there are no ultimate standards other than
the one's you personally choose. Now the parents may
well have chosen very godly, Biblical standards for
themselves but the issue of course is that THEY chose
the values.
The Bible on the other hand soundly condemns this
principle right from the start. Adam and Eve were
cast out of the garden, just because, they insisted on
determining good and evil for themselves (Gen 3:1ff).
The basic human problem throughout history has been
men, wanting to become God, and make up their own
rules. Think with me for a moment; when you became
a Christian, you made a public confession that "Jesus is
Lord." But what did you mean by that? Your ancestors
in the faith risked everything by insisting that Jesus was
Lord. They were marched into the arenas, burned at
the stake, imprisoned, exiled and suffered all sorts of
horrors and indignities because they would not say,
"Caesar is Lord."
To confess "Jesus as Lord" is NOT some quaint,
religious ritual (and it certainly does not mean "invite
Jesus into your heart ... "), but a solemn proclamation
that Jesus is your KING. And as your King, He gives
you His Law. John 14:21 puts it succinctly, "He who has
My commandments and keeps them, he it is who loves
me ... " In other words, Jesus is not terribly impressed
by the amount of "feeling" you express about him,
but about the kind of obedience, you show Him.
Most modern Christians do not understand this basic,
theological proposition; if you love Jesus, you have to
obey Him. Think with me for a moment; say a man
has a wondrously strong feeling for his wife. He praises
her, shows her affection, buys her flowers and always
remembers her birthday. But he also commits adultery
on her. Does this man love his wife? Regardless of what
our modern culture would say, the Bible is clear that no,
he does not. Love today, has been defined as a feeling,
rather than as a commitment. But the Bible says that
if you love Jesus, as He demands to be loved, you will
obey Him. And if you do not obey Him, then you do
not love him regardless of how much emotion you may
show in a worship service.
Dealing with Rebellious Christian Teenagers
We have allowed a theology of autonomy to subtly enter
the church and that theology of self-will characterizes
the vast majority of American evangelicals. They may
often do the right thing, but they do so for the wrong
reason. They want to retain for themselves the right to
determine good and evil, and whether they realize it or
not, this same value is then passed on to their children.
When their children get out there into the world, and
see all the lovely, temptations available, they simply have
no defense. It is too bad, and so sad that THEIR values
are different from Mom and Dad's, but after all, we
have to make our own decisions in life. And since they
have never been given any method of decision making
other than their own feelings, therefore, they go where
the feeling is strongest. And hence, we have rebellion.
The solution of course is for every Christian to think
through the implications of their faith and learn how
to orient every aspect of their lives according to God's
Word. The Bible has a lot to say about how you are
supposed to spend your time (Eph 5:16), how you work
(Col 3:23), what you do with your money (pvbs 3:9-
10), etc. It speaks volumes to how you should handle
anger (Eph 4:26), fear (Phil 4:6-7), loneliness (Matt 20:
26-28) and depression (Gen 4:7). The Bible has clear
principles that determine how you relate to your spouse
(Eph 5:22f), your friends (Hebs 10:24-25) and your
family (Eph 6:1f). Scripture lays out definite methods
for handling sin (1 In 1:8-9), confrontations (Matt 18:
15f) and conflicts (2 Tim 2:23f). But in the 22 years,
I have been a pastor the degree of ignorance amongst
Christians about what God has to say about these,
various issues is abysmal! They do not know, and to be
honest, most of them do not care. What is REALLY
important for most people is doing what they want to
do; and God help the pastor or church who stands in
their way.
Some of these people are SO perverted, that the
apostasy of their children is not even a concern! The
allow their children to dress, tallc, and act like pagans
with just a shrug of the shoulder and a "well, what can
I do?" But let us back track for a moment. Obviously,
if you are still reading this far, you ARE concerned
about your kids. Therefore, you want them to grow into
godly, self-governed men and women who will advance
the faith and live lives to the glory of God. Therefore,
you WANT to obey God, and you want to develop a
consistent, coherent and Biblical worldview. How do
you start?
First, have secret worship every day (see our essays
and articles on this at www.highlands-reformed.com).
Second, have family worship every day. Third, read
GOOD Christian books. Fourth, learn how to see
every sermon as God's personal message for you and
strive for personal application. Fifth, learn how to relate
what you discover to your daily life. If you have been
following our recommendations earlier, you already
know that you must spend time with your children.
Therefore, as you work with them, as you play with
them, you can also relate the word of God to every
single incident that comes up.
I am not a home-improvement type of guy and I hate
working with my hands. As I have said many times,
my one financial goal in life is to be affluent enough
to hire other people to work around my house! But
since I made the mistake of not being born into the
Rockefeller family, I have to do chores. There is always
grass to be cut, trim to be painted, landscaping t ~ be
done, etc. And my kids work with me on ALL these
projects. I am amazed at how many men do not WANT
their kids to help them because "I want it done right."
Hence, if the kids are allowed to help, it is only to do
the nasty, grunt work of lifting and carrying, scraping
and sanding, etc. Many men love doing chores; it gives
them a good feeling to see something done properly
and they rightly see their work as an. expression of
themselves. But some men are SO concerned about
how their property will reflect on them,. that they do
not use this invaluable time to teach their kids.
You see, 'at our house, as we work, we talk. We talk
about movies we watched together and the kids have
learned how to spot the ungodly presuppositions and
ridicule them. We talk about books we have read. We
talk about problems we have. We tall<: about history, and
art and culture and science. In other words, as we work
together, or as we play together, we talk together about
how God relates to every area of life. And as we talk,
we make stupid jokes, and silly comments. We have fun
together and so the kids learn how to work, and work
hard, but also how to enjoy doing so at the same time.
And during all that talk, we relate God's Word to every
area of life.
No, I do NOT preach sermons, pontificating and being
bombastic. Instead, we laugh and giggle and have a
good time, and usually the kids themselves will ask me
good, discerning questions about how the Bible relates
to some aspect of life. Now, as I mentioned earlier, I
really do not enjoy working with my hands, and I am
the COUNSEL of CHALCEDON 29
Dealing with Rebellious Christian Teenagers
not very good at it. Often, I know how a project should
come out, but for the life of me, cannot make it do,
what I know needs to be done. And I get frustrated,
irritable, short-tempered and have been known on
occasion to literally call down the wrath of God on
nails that bent, boards that warped, rocks that rolled
off the pile onto my foOt, etc. Which then, brings me
to the next point ...
Learning to Repent to Your Kids
Though I cannot prove this point either by direct
reference to Scripture, or to some well-regarded
research study, it certainly seems true from experience
that every kid wants consistency. If you say one thing,
and then do another, even the dullest child will spot
your inconsistency and point it out. And the reality is,
that we all fall short of the glory of God. No matter
how hard you try, or dedicated you may be to the
glory of God, you sin every day. In fact, even the best
you have to offer is tainted by sin in some way or the
other.
And since all kids have a natural bent towards
rebellion (inherited from our father Adam), they will
use your inconsistency as an excuse, justification or
rationalization to reject your values, and determine
their own. Amazingly, the most common technique
'I have observed a parent using to deal with this is by
INSISTING that they were right, and that the kid was
wrong! Now, refusing to admit when you are wrong is a
sure fire recipe for "exasperating" a child, encouraging
them to disregard your values. Your kids are going to
rightly see you as a hypocrite and you have handed
them, on a silver platter, a moral justification for
rebellion.
The Biblical response of course is diametrically
opposite; we must learn how to admit we are sinners,
repent of our sins, seeking forgiveness and making
restitution as necessary (cf. Jas 5:16). Sadly" most
Christians cannot do this with other Christians, let
alone their own children. Hence, they risk their children
because they are afraid that their own inflated ego might
be punctured. Again and again, I have seen parents sin
against their children (or against others), be confronted
with their sin, but then refuse to acknowledge that they
did anything wrong. And Junior watches this dynamic,
realizes that his folks are hypocrites and therefore
rejects their religion, even as he rejects their hypocrisy.
Therefore, parents have to learn how to confess their
sins to their children, just as they need to learn how to
30 the COUNSEL of CHALCEDON
repent and confess their sins to one another. Doing so
does not erode your authority nor does it lessen their
respect for you. Instead, confession and repentance
heals the wounds caused by sin. It softens hearts, and
allows genuine reconciliation to take place. It binds
families together and makes the relationship stronger.
It roots out bitterness and brings peace to an embattled
family. For parents to insist on being "right" especially
when they have been wrong is to rend the family apart
and guarantee that the kids will look elsewhere for
significance and security.
Failure to Resolve Conflicts
Biblically and Equitably
Directly related to the above, is learning how to
resolve conflicts properly and Biblically. Conflicts
WILL happen; nobody's kids are perfect, and let's be
honest, we as parents certainly aren't! The only real
issue is whether the problems are resolved. We have
other booklets in this series that specifically deal with
conflict resolution and therefore will not go over that
same ground here again (see our essay, "Proverbs on
Conflicts"). Here, we just want to highlight the reasons
why so many kids rebel. And clearly, part of the reason
is that problems in the past have not been dealt with
Biblically. Often, a "root of bitterness" has sprung up
that colors every future confrontation. Therefore, every
interaction is tainted by previous hurts. The issue that
is causing a blow up today, may well be a smokescreen
hiding an offense that happened a long time ago.
The basic Biblical principle here is found in Ephesians
4:26, "Do not let the sun go down on your anger."
Every day, every problem needs to be resolved. Never
go to bed, or allow your kids to go to bed, unless sins
have been confessed, repented of and forgiven. Learn
how to read the countenances of your kids; if they are
depressed, glum, sullen or stubborn, it shows that the
problem has not been resolved. On occasion, after a
confrontation or conflict with my older kids, I have
noticed such facial expressions. I then go to them and
ask them if there is still a problem. Invariably, they will
say "No." But their body language clearly says there is.
Often, a hug right then and there, with an expression of
love and affection for them, is enough to break down
the barrier. Sometimes I need to ask if they think they
have been treated unfairly or unjustly, and if so, explain
to me how and if I made a mistake in judgment, now is
the time to make it right.
And sometimes, teenagers are just moody because
their hormones are messing them up and just need a
Dealing with Rebellious Christian Teenagers
good night's sleep. At that point, I tell them that all sins
have been addressed and forgiven, but if they still feel
the same way tomorrow, then we need to talk again.
Invariably, the next day sees a different person. The
problems WERE resolved; they just needed a good
night's sleep to get their feelings in line with reality.
But it does seem to me to be a common problem that
people hate and fear conflicts so much, they will do
anything to gloss over them rather than do the hard
work of resolving them. And therefore, the problems
only grow bigger, and the relationship becomes terribly
oppressive to the teens. Some rebel, others contemplate
running away, some even think suicide is a better option
than living in the present mess.
And in all these circumstances, I hold the parents
responsible. They ought to know better, and do better,
but far too often are clueless how to resolve problems
with their kids because they have never done so in their
marriage, their work or their church. And so an angry,
embittered, frustrated Junior bides his time until he can
escape his parents' authority because he literally cannot
stand to be around them. People, we do NOT have to
live this way, and we ought not to expect our children to
have to do so either.
Bad Company and Bad Morals
The Scriptures are clear, "do not be deceived, bad
company corrupts good morals" (1 Cor 15:33). Now
I know that YOUR teenager is a natural leader, and
would NEVER give into peer pressure like all the other
kids (after all, surveys show that all Christian parents
think THEIR kids are above average!). But the truth
is, whether we like it or not, that the company we
keep has a great deal of influence on the values and
behaviors we find acceptable. This is both the clear
teaching of Scripture, and the result of research in
the social sciences (the technical term for this is called
"conformity behavior" or the tendency for people
to conform their beliefs and behaviors to perceived
group norms). Studies show that up to 75% of our
values are influenced by the values of those around us.
On the positive side, this means that if your children
spend most of their time with you, then they will tend
to adopt your values. But if they spend most of their
time with other people, they will tend to adopt THEIR
values.
Therefore, allowing your children to develop significant
relationships with pagans is asking for trouble. If your
kids go to a public school, or join a secular soccer
league, or God forbid, DATE a pagan (and if they are,
SHAME ON YOU!), then you ought to expect they will
think, talk and act just like their pagan peers. No matter
that, your little darling is a perfect angel at church or
in youth group; when they are around their pagan
friends, they will act just like pagans. Several years ago,
I was watching some program that featured Christian
teenagers at a summer camp talking about their faith.
All the kids talked about how great the camp was, and
what a wonderful time they were having for Jesus. Yet,
universally, they admitted that when they were home,
they would probably act differently around their friends
in public school, than they did at camp. The need to
conform was so strong, that most of their friends at
school did not even know that they were Christians!
Therefore, since the problem is ubiquitous, the solution
is not to let them develop relationships with people
whose values conflict with yours. I have heard many
parents justify their teenagers pagan relationships
by saying, "well Johnny is a great witness to them."
No, Johnny is not. Because no matter how good a
kid Johnny is when he is around his parents, or his
Christian friends, Johnny is probably acting like a
godless little heathen when he is around his pagan
ones. You don't believe me do you? Sigh, just wait a bit,
you'll come to see me eventually when Johnny gets his
girlfriend pregnant, or comes home drunk or stoned or
is arrested. Some people just never learn.
God asks the rhetorical question, "What fellowship
has light with darkness" (2 Cor 6:14). If Johnny finds
himself comfortable around pagans, it can ONLY be
that he has found something in common with them;
and trust me, that common ground is NOT Jesus.
His heathen friends may be simply providing a social
environment where he can sin without feeling guilty.
Sadly, they may be giving him things he is not finding
at home such as respect, appreciation, or simply a
feeling that he belongs. And if that is true, it is an arrow
pointed right at the heart of your parenting practices.
Some people will object that they cannot control who
their children spend time with. My response is that this
is the problem, isn't it? You have NEVER controlled
your children, and now you are reaping what you sowed
(Gal 6:7). The fact is however; you DO control your
teenager's life. It is YOUR decision whether or not he
is involved in sports, or works outside the home, or
with whom he spends his time. You just do not want to
exercise that control, because you know there is going
to be a blow up and you have never been able to handle
conflicts (see above).
the COUNSEL of CHALCEDON 31
--,. '-'
Dealing with Rebellious Christian Teenagers
But if you do not want your teenager to talk like a
pagan, dress like a pagan or act like a pagan, and then
battle with you because the values he learned from his
peers are in conflict with yours, then literally (with no
blasphemy intended), for God's sake, stop letting him
associate with them. First, start spending time with him
yourself. Repent of past mistakes, clear the ground and
get the relationship back on a solid footing. Certainly,
do not give him money, or a car, or let him run around
without supervision. Make him work at home and at
school, and then develop some common interests with
him that include the whole family.
In other words, regain the centrality of the family as
his primary identity group. Working with your kids,
playing with your kids, doing daily worship with your
kids and resolving problems daily with your kids all
change the focus of both of your lives. And you can
win them back, just as soon as they begin to realize that
their family is more important than their peers. But it
will require a radical transformation of your family life;
a transformation that most people just do not want to
take the trouble to make.
Freedom within Consistently Enforced
Standards
Part of the problem of course is that teenagers, both
intellectually and biologically are in the process of
becoming adults. They are psychologically trying to
figure out what it means to be an adult. They are not
children any more, but they are not yet ready to assume
the full responsibilities of being a grown-up either.
When they were children, you had to do everything
for them. Now, more and more, they can do things for
themselves, but how much is too much? Hence, they
are testing the boundaries.
Teenagers need, even more than children, clearly
defined standards and limits. Since life is already
throwing so much garbage at them, it becomes crucial
for parents to let them know clearly and unambiguously
what is expected of them. Now, as we mentioned in the
section on "expectations" parents need to ensure that
the standards are Biblical.
For example, it appears from experience, that many
parents have conflicts with their teenagers over their
dress and appearance. Now, not for a moment am
I in any way excusing, justifying or defending kids
wanting to dress like gang-bangers or sluts (yes, I
am intentionally using an offensive word, because
too many parents gloss over the immodesty of their
32 the COUNSEL of CHALCEDON
children's dress). In this regard, there are sufficient
moral grounds for a parent to put his foot down. But
there are other times, when a teenager is attempting to
express his own growing individuality through his dress.
Think about it, what you wear says something about
who and what you are. Dress standards have changed
over the past thirty years (can you imagine middle-aged
men routinely wearing jeans and T-shirts back in the
1960's?). Most people take a far more relaxed attitude
about clothing than ever before in American culture.
Whether this is a good thing, or a bad thing, but even
within the new social "standards" there is still some
room for individual expression.
Furthermore, especially among mothers, they
remember when they used to dress their kids and make
them look "nice." And again, as we mentioned in our
section on "expectations" often the real, underlying
motivation was the approval of others. Parents, just like
kids are susceptible to peer pressure, and how a child
dresses, says something about the family. Some parents
do not like the message being sent, because they think
it reflects poorly on them. Now, Johnny comes down
stairs and is wearing his favorite T-shirt that Mom does
not like. Or Sally is wearing an outfit that is perfectly
modest, but not to Mom's tastes. Mom decides to make
this an issue (because she does not like what others may
think about this outfit) and a conflict occurs. Teenagers
do not like being treated like children, and Mom wants
them to respect her genuine authori1)T,
But may I suggest that the problem is Mom chose the
wrong time and place to push her authority? In fact, this
well may be an example of the sort of thing the Apostle
Paul was talking about in Ephesians 6:3. Such a conflict
is unnecessary and destructive, unless there is some
greater moral issue involved. At this point, parents
either make one of two different mistakes. They either
insist on micro-managing their children, which then
frustrates and embitters them, or they just give up and
let the kids do as they like.
There is a third way- teaching your kids general
principles that can be applied in specific situations.
Now I do believe that God has given you the authori1)T
to make specific decisions about such things as how
your children dress. But my question is "Is it wise
to create a situation where your kids are going to be
incited to unnecessary rebellion?" Dress of course
should be modest, clean, neat and appropriate to the
situation. But do you really want to make an issue out
of individual choices? Will you win more than you can
potentially lose in this situation?
Dealing with Rebellious Christian Teenagers
In our house, we have two basic standards of dress.
Around home, the kids can dress pretty much as they
please, as long as the clothing is clean, pressed and
modest. When we go out in public, the standard is
a little higher; i.e., trousers with patches stay home,
faded T-shirts stay in the closet. Yet, all of my boys,
somewhere, must have a geek gene hidden in them (I
blame my English wife's middle class background! ).
They have insisted, from an early age that they wanted
to button their shirts all the way to the top and to hike
their trousers around their chest. Literally, it drove me
crazy to see MY boys looking like Urkel clones.
So, without belittling them, ridiculing them or insisting
they dress according to my standards, I did two things.
First, I said that most people do not button polo shirts
all the way up and second, it was their decision. Because
I understand the power of conformity behavior,
eventually they would realize that only nerds shared
their "look." And eventually, on their own, they started
loosening that top button (and allowing their trousers
to hang naturally from their hips). But the point was,
why make a big deal about something so insignificant?
Furthermore, the older boys put subtle peer pressure
of their own on their younger brothers.
Elaine on the other hand, still remembers fondly when
she could dress tl1e girls in identical outfits. She liked
the way the girls looked. When our oldest girl reached
her teenage years, she would often come downstairs
for church in an ensemble that did not quite meet my
wife's expectation. Now first, the outfit was ALWAYS
appropriate for church, modest, clean and more formal
than everyday wear. However, Elaine did not always
think that certain shoes went with certain skirts, or that
certain cardigans didn't really suit that blouse, etc. Mom
then would start issuing orders like a barracks room
sergeant to Elizabeth to change. Elizabeth would never
rebel, but you could see she was upset because Mom
disapproved of her wardrobe choices. Furthermore,
Elizabeth always had good reasons for why she was
wearing what she was wearing; reasons that Mom did
not always seem to appreciate or understand.
N ow, give Mom a break here; it is Sunday morning
and we have six kids to get ready for church. On top
of that, we always have a household full of people
after church for lunch and fellowship. Mom has to get
herself ready, the kids dressed, a meal put on and some
final touches of housekeeping. She just does not have
time for a long, involved discussion. She just takes one
look at Elizabeth, does not like what she sees and tells
her to change.
Now look at it from both sides. To Elizabeth, Mom
appears to be arbitrary, controlling and insensitive to
her problems. On the other hand, though Liz might
not say a word, Mom can tell by facial expressions
that her daughter is NOT pleased and frankly, does
not have time to deal with a sullen teenager. Thus,
you have a potential time bomb that could lead to a
severe breakdown in their relationship. If this conflict
on standards is not dealt with properly and Biblically,
then Liz is going to feel controlled and oppressed, and
eventually she WILL rebel.
So the issue is, how to deal with this problem,
BEFORE it becomes a major issue. Now, granted,
this kind of thing, in the great scheme of life and the
problems that we all have to face, is really pretty inane
and meaningless. But the same factors are relevant here
as in other, more important areas because the issues go
to the nature of the parent and child relationship.
The solution is really simple, once you are removed from
the stresses of getting the whole family packed into the
Van for church; just let it go. Elaine and I have had
several, good conversations about what kind of dress
standards we need to establish. We then communicate
those standards to the kids. And therefore, within the
limits, the kids have freedom to dress as they please.
Therefore, rather than seeing this situation as a conflict
of wills where Elaine MUST control her daughter (and
Liz either feels as if she is being micro-managed, or
rebels), Elaine has learned to see such incidents as
opportunities to discuss style, fashion and appropriate
dress. She has learned to slow down, and see that
how she relates to Elizabeth, is far more important
that getting ready for a long Sunday full of strangers
in her home. The strangers will leave by 5:00 (at least
we HOPE they leave by then!); Elizabeth will be our
daughter forever. Elaine also remembers the things that
drove her batty about her own mother and realizes that
she does not want to make the same mistakes.
So, if Elaine does not like a particular ensemble that
Liz has put together, she will take a moment, stop
what she is doing and make a SUGGESTION. Liz,
because Mom is not ordering her to change, then
has the opportunity to say why she is wearing, what
she is wearing. Sometimes, Mom can make some
recommendations; "Honey, I think THIS might work
better." But sometimes, Mom just says, "OK." No
stress, no trial, no tribulation. The older she grows,
the more attractive my daughter becomes, but also the
the COUNSEL of CHALCEDON 33
Dealing with Rebellious Christian Teenagers
more sensible, because she is learning from her Mom.
They are no longer at odds but working together.
And you know, many potential problems can be
handled just as easily. God's law is absolute and we do
not compromise it. But God has also given us freedom
in many other areas to make legitimate choices (cf. Rms
14:1ff). Different families will make different decisions
and as long as they do not violate God's LavV; those
standards are perfectly fine (I am sure some people
would be appalled by the movies we watch together
as a family. I well remember being subjected to the
harshest criticism because I took my son Jonathan to
see "Jurassic Part" when he was six years old. Some
people thought the movie was too intense for him and
felt free to criticize me. Jonathan however loved that
movie. My response of course was mature, and what
one can expect of a pastor; does the word "raspberry"
mean anything to you?).
And by giving the kids definite limits, with freedom
to operate within those limits, we are only doing what
God Himself does with us. God does not dictate every
aspect of our lives. He gives us "liberty of conscience"
in many areas that are free from the commandments
and regulations of men. Therefore, we help our
children to resist rebellion, when we give them, what
our heavenly Father has given us; liberty within the
confines of Law.
Sanctions Against Rebellion
No matter how "good" your kids are, and no matter
how well you follow all the above principles, both you
and your child will fall short occasionally. Even the
"best" kids will sometimes be moody, sullen, "mouthy"
or disrespectful. They will want what they want, not
what you want. And they will cross over the line from
legitimate disagreement over something non-essential
to disrespect and perhaps even rebellion.
Throughout this essay, as noted, we have been primarily
working from the assumption of Ephesians 6:3 in that
if we as parents work not to exasperate our children
(in various ways) we can head off most rebellion. My
professional experience has been that usually, parents
allowed situations to develop that they had the power
and authority to prevent if they had understood and
applied these basic principles. And of all the things they
COULD have done, but did not do, bringing sanctions
against undesirable behaviors must top the list.
34 the COUNSEL ofCHALCEDON
Now I deliberately use the word "sanctions" rather
than "spanking" for several reasons. First, unlike some
of my colleagues, I think "spanking" can be overused.
God certainly authorizes it, and in fact requires it. But
for some, spanking appears to be the only tool in their
parenting toolbox. On the other hand, some Christian
parents do not use this tool at all, and reap the inevitable
consequences of ignoring God's own Word.
The word "sanctions" however, includes more than
just "spanking" but refers to the full range of negative
consequences that a Christian parent can bring to bear
against sinful behavior. Let me be honest, I do not want
to just impose my values on my children, but to deeply
root Biblical morality so far down deep inside of them,
that they will love what God loves, and hate what God
hates. Now, not for a moment am I confusing this with
the formation of genuine Christian character- a result
of the Holy Spirit's work. I am unabashedly using social
and psychological conditioning to, in so far as possible,
inhibit certain values, and encourage others. Do not
think I am recommending some sort of mind-game
here, but am just using the very same techniques that
EVERY parent uses to train their children in those
areas where they share common values.
For example, every little girl, as a toddler wearing a
dress plays with the hemline, often picking it up and
covering her head with it. For an 18 month-old to do
this is kind of cute and innocent and honestly, it has no
moral implications whatsoever. A toddler does not yet
have much of a sense of modesty at this age. She means
nothing by it and only a sick pervert would see anything
immodest in it. Yet, if an 18-year old girl did the same
thing, everyone would be aghast at her impropriety.
I dare say, few Christian girls (if any) would even
contemplate doing such a thing and many would be
even shocked by my using this even as an illustration.
But my point here is that somehow, somewhere, she
learned that this action was not cute, but immodest and
she has now an ingrained inhibition against it (though
parents who allow their teenage daughters to wear short
skirts and bikinis are another problem).
This young lady learned modest behavior in two ways;
first, she received a model of modesty from her mother,
sisters, friends and general culture. As we mentioned
earlier, our values and behaviors are greatly influenced
by what we see around us. But secondly, her parents used
negative sanctions to inhibit immodest conduct. They
might at first just tell her nicely but firmly "nice girls
don't do that honey." All children want their parent's
Dealing with Rebellious Christian Teenagers
approval. For some kids, even the mildest expression
of disapproval is enough of a negative sanction that
the behavior is less likely to occur. Furthermore, the
child will usually internalize that negative sanction by
developing a conscience about the issue.
However, some children are more strong-willed
than others. More than just a correction is needed.
Sometimes the child has to be rebuked. A rebuke is a
harsh correction. Now the tone of voice goes beyond
mere firmness, and the disapproval is expressed in clehr,
uncertain terms. Again, most children will respond to
this and the same internalization process goes on.
However, for some children, even a firm rebuke is
not enough. They insist on having their own way and
therefore a spanking may be in order. The spanking
ought never be done because the parent is angry with
the child and wants to lash out, but as the supreme
expression of displeasure at the child's obstinate refusal
to obey. The secret to successfully using spanking as a
teaching mechanism is to spank until repentance. Sadly,
as I have watched many Christians spank their children,
they only did so at the gravest provocation, and then
only made the matter worse by not breaking the child's
rebellious will. The child is then sullen and resentful
and as soon as the smart wears off, goes right back to
the same behavior that got them in trouble in the first
place.
However, if you spank hard enough, with the idea that
your goal is to convince that child that this behavior is
totally inappropriate and will not be accepted, you will
see a change in the child's attitude. Invariably, I have
noticed that when spanked appropriately, the FIRST
thing even the youngest child will do is to hold up his
arms to his parents and want their love! And of course,
that is EXACTLY what they need and what we ought
to give them. A negative sanction was brought against
their unacceptable behavior, now a positive response
from the parents reinforces the attitudinal change.
Now I know what some you are going to say, "why,
that's just BEHAVIORISM!" No, my friend, it is not.
It is the method that God Himself uses to discipline
and change us. Read carefully 2 Timothy 3:16-17 again.
Forget for a moment that we normally use this verse
as the proof-text for the inspiration of Scripture, and
instead look at what God Himself said Scripture would
do for us- reprove, rebuke, correct and train us in all
godliness! God brings negative sanctions against our
sin (read Deuteronomy 28 and then compare that with
Hebrews 12) even as He forgives us, sustains us, blesses
us and rewards us. Simply because some God-haters
playing with dogs and rats in a laboratory finally figured
out some things about how people learn, does not
detract from the fact that God knew it first, and said it
better in His Word.
The problem is that with a rebellious teenager, often
(dare I say usually) the parents have NEVER taught
their child that inappropriate, sinful behavior had
negative consequences. Oh sure, they yelled at their
kids, scolded them, argued with them, and sometimes
even spanked them when they were young. But the
parents had inconsistent standards of behavior, and
when an issue came to a head, often, did not spank
hard enough, or frequently enough to create that
internal transformation we discussed earlier. Instead,
they essentially taught them that if the kids could just
held out long enough, Mom and Dad would give in;
then they could have their own way. Now that they are
teenagers, their own way is to drink, fornicate, and party
with their friends. Mom and Dad despair and want the
"experts" to fix their kids.
The older a child grows, the more able they are to both
intellectually appreciate the consequences of their
actions, as well as find justifications or excuses. If a
parent has not been working consistently at inhibiting
self-willed behavior and encouraging godly values, then
when they try with a teenager, the inevitable question is
"why?' And of course, most parents say something like,
"Because I say so." And of course, Junior sees this as
oppressive, dictatorial, repressive, over-bearing, etc.
Hence, the battle must be fought and won, when they
are young. Once they have internalized a value, as they
grow older, the child will find his own reasons for why
this behavior is appropriate and acceptable. In fact, in
our house, we go one step further. As my kids have
entered into their teenage years, I constantly assault
Christian values in family worship. We openly discuss
morality, modesty, authority, submission, etc. I play
the Devil's Advocate and make my children think up
good sound reasons WHY they ought to obey God. An
important, but little known principle of learning is that
if someone believes they have refute an idea, then their
commitment to the opposite position grows stronger.
Think of this as a kind of intellectual inoculation.
When someone is given a vaccination against a disease,
a dead or weakened form of the germ is entered into
the body, stimulating the natural defenses. As a result,
the body is now prepared ahead of time when the real
the COUNSEL of CHALCEDON 35
Dealing with Rebellious Christian Teenagers
disease shows up. The above method works very much
the same way by stimulating a child's intellectual abilities
to recognize error and convince him of the truth.
However, if a parent has NOT brought consistent
negative sanctions against inappropriate behavior
and attitudes when a child is young, it is extremely
difficult to do so when he is a.teenager. The task is not
impossible, just more difficult. There appears to be a
window in child-development wherein when they are
younger, they are able to learn better than when they are
older. Some studies suggest that basic moral behavior is
developed in a child by the time he is six! Thus, if you
miss this window, even though the child can still learn,
it becomes just that much more difficult.
As we mentioned earlier, spanking a teenager is still
appropriate, but because of the godlessness of the
State, a rebellious teenager today will likely threaten to
call social services on you. They might just walk out
the door. I am tempted to say that if a teenager is so
depraved that he is willing to use the power of the State
against his parents it is too late and you need to let the
little hellion go.
However, one could try all the other procedures we
discussed. We have enjoyed some modest success in
our ministry by bringing children and parents together,
setting them down, and making the issues clear. We start
by teaching what God clearly expects from both parent
and child. We demand repentance from both parents
and child for previous sins. We then teach basic conflict
and confrontation procedures. And then finally, we help
both parent and child to set realistic and appropriate
standards. Over the course of counseling, we reinforce
these basic Biblical standards.
Usually, we can at least bring peace to the household
while the child remains in it. Sometimes, the child will
comply until they reach 18 and can leave. Sometimes
the child will just rebel anyway, and we have to counsel
the parents to let them go and treat them as if they had
died in a tragic accident. There is perhaps no harder
action a parent can take then to "cut off" a child in
this way. But sometimes it is the only resort. And in
my experience, if the parents repented for their own
failings, confessed those sins to their rebellious kids,
established godly standards, and then enforced them,
usually, the kids turned around. And in those cases
where children chose rebellion over the family, and
were cut off, invariably, after a few years, they repented,
came back to their families and were restored. Never
36 the COUNSEL of CHALCEDON
forget the parable of the prodigal son; once the dumb
kid realized what life was like in the "real" world, he was
humbled and ready to come back to the family on his
father's terms.
Conclusion and Applications
Throughout this entire essay, we have made one
fundamental assumption; YOUR actions are
responsible for your child's rebellion. No, not for a
moment have we forgotten or neglected original sin,
but since God gave YOU the authority, and God gave
YOU the power to enforce that authority, if your kids
rebel, then the first step to begin fixing the problem is
taking personal responsibility.
N ow, some people will not like me for making the above
assumption. They will think me unkind and cruel. Isn't
that poor parent suffering enough already without me
adding more guilt? And as I have seen my brother elders
counsel families going through rebellion, and showing
them compassion, and praying (or even fasting) with
them, the issue of the parent's responsibility is seldom
raised lest they be burdened with guilt.
And EVERY time, the kids continued their rebellion
and broke their parent's hearts. Sometimes my friend,
the best friend you will ever have is someone who tells
you the truth, no matter how unpleasant it may be to
hear. And think with me; what kind of doctor would
you rather have; one with a great bedside manner who
would NEVER tell you the truth about your disease
because he feared hurting your feelings, or one who not
only identified the problem but gave you a means of
treating it?
If you do not accept your responsibility for your
children's rebellion, you can never change the behavior
that got you (and them) into trouble in the first place. If
rebellion is just something that happens to some good
k i d s ~ then you are powerless to do anything to change
the situation. And a feeling of powerlessness leads
inevitably to depression, fear and hopelessness.
Instead, as tough as it may have been to read and think
through some of the principles in this essay, I want you
to know and understand what you did wrong, so that
by God's grace you can repent, and start doing what
is right. I really do believe (silly me) that God's Word
works. I really do believe that we must conform our
ways, to God's ways. I really do believe that if we live
according to our standards, we will invariably make a
mess out of things. And I really do believe that God
Dealing with Rebellious Christian Teenagers
blesses obedience, and disciplines disobedience, just as
we are supposed to do for our own children.
Therefore, may I suggest that you go back and read
this whole essay again, right from the beginning. Please
pay especial attention to the parts that especially made
you upset or uncomfortable. And then take a good,
long look at your values, your priorities, and the way
you are raising your family. Search the Scriptures, and
feel free to refute me at any point where I have either
misunderstood or misapplied God's Word.
But start taking responsibility. Your children are your
arrows into the future. If you raise them up to be
godly, self-governed, responsible, dedicated Christians,
they and their children will help to change the world.
Through them, hundreds of years from now, you will
still be having a ministry.
But if you fail to discipline, reprove, rebuke, correct
or train them in righteousness, then your godly seed
will have been wasted. It is the grace of God that He
chooses to do His great work in this world, through
families like yours and mine. The most important thing
you will ever do is to love those kids of yours, educate
them, train them and impart your Christian values to
them. Now, honestly, isn't that something worth living
for? Isn't that something worth sacrificing for? And
isn't that something worth CHANGING for?
May God bless and keep you.
The Rev. Brian M. Abshire, (B. A., M. A., Th.M., Ph.D.)
is an old friend of 'Chalcedon who settled in Spokane to
pastor Faith-PCA. He has been married to Elaine for 24
years and has six children,
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