One Typical Family

Becky and Jeff were typical of a distressed, but not

disturbed couple, whose family life was not working well. They
believed in helping their young son and daughter express
themselves and understand the reasons for the rules. But their
daughter, Jenna, was critical and angry with them and was
doing poorly in school. Their son, Nate, had twice bitten other
children at preschool. He screamed when it was time to leave
the park or a friends house. His standard bedtime routine was to
tear all the sheets off the bed and throw everything out of the
drawers.
At work, Becky and Jeff were both effective leaders, but at
home they had little authority over time, space, or actions. The
house was filled with toys, not just in the childrens bedrooms, but
in the family room, bathroom, kitchen--even in the sheets in Jeff
and Beckys bed.
In this home, the childrens interests ruled.
No place was sacred.
With help, Becky and Jeff began to see that they needed to
take charge in their home. They realized that they had been so
kind and democratic with their children, that there was no order
in the universe of their own home. The children were tuned
into their own desires, but not to their obligations.
Becky and Jeff began to make changes.
They declared their bedroom off-limits, except with
permission. They told their children that they needed to say, Yes,
please or No, thank you when they were offered something.
Most important of all, they stopped giving the children so much
attention for every emotional and physical ache and pain.
Their home life improved immeasurably!!

(-Mogel, Blessing of a Skinned Knee, p. 25)

Children develop
character and learn
mastery by being
allowed to fall and
skin their knees.
F a M I l y S e r v I c e s

AnneKangas,L.C.S.W.FamilyServicesDirector
MandalaChildrensHouse10/06

The Blessings of a Skinned Knee

PARENTING WITH CONFIDENCE & BUILDING CHARACTER IN AN INDULGENT AGE

Areyouacaughtinaparentinghaze?Areyoutryingtodoyourbestbyyourchild,meethis
everyneed,butfindingthatthemoreyoudoandthemoreyougive,themoreisdemanded?
Ifyouneedanewroadmap,youmightwanttoreadalittlegemofaparentingbookcalled
TheBlessingofASkinnedKnee.Itoffersabothafreshperspectiveandareturntosomeageold
thought.AlthoughthisbookdrawsonthewisdomofJewishtradition,itoffersinspiration
andusefulideasforanyparentstryingtoupholdtheirownvaluesinacultureoffear,
materialism,andselfinterest.Iwillsharesomeoftheauthorsthoughtsaswetakealookat
thechallengeofparentinginanageofindulgence.Thisbookgivesushopeforraisingself
reliant,ethical,andcompassionatechildrentoday.Readontolearnmore.

WhatsWrong?ParentsGiveTheirAllButChildrenAreMiserableAuthorWendyMogel,Ph.D.wasafrustrated
parent,aswellasasuccessfulchildpsychologist,whorealizedovertimethatsomethingfundamentalwasamiss.As
sheputsit,childrenoffineparentswerenotthriving.Someofthemwereontheouteredgeofnormal.Theywere
fillingheroffice.Muchofthetimebothparentsandchildrenwereunhappy.Theybothexperiencedalotofanxiety.The
parentswereinangstoverdailyproblemsthatwere
unremitting.Theyweresuccessfulandhappyat
work,butincreasinglymiserableathome.Although
theyencouragedtheirchildrentofreelyexpresstheir
emotionsandtheyworkedhardtomakesuretheir
childrenunderstoodthereasonsforfamilyrules,their
childrenwereoftenunresponsive.Therewasconflict
ateveryturn.Thechildrenwereangryand
demanding,inspiteofallthestimulatingactivities
andextraattentionpaidtothem.

ProblemsofCharacterNothingseemedtowork.
Eventhoughthesechildrenhadeverything,they
wereunabletorelaxandbecooperativeand
respectful.Dr.Mogelbegantofindherselfdescribing
thesetroubledyoungstersnotwithpsychological
terms,butwitholdfashionedwords,suchas
obstinate,rigid,greedy,lethargic,selfish,petulant.She
begantowonderifthesewereproblemsthatfellinto
adifferentkindofcategorythatpsychotherapyalone
couldnotrepair.Shebegantorealizethatthesewere
problemsofcharacter.

The PROBLEM of
OVER-INDULGENCE

WhatAreWeSeeingToday?
Asatherapistwhoworkswithchildrenandfamilies
fulltime,Iamseeingsomeverydisturbingtrends:
ACultureofOverindulgence
OverAnxiousParents/OverAnxiousChildren(worryingthattheirchildisntperfect,expectingtoomuchtoo

A SPECIAL CHILD speaks

Iknowwhythisissohardforme.Mymomanddadalways,
alwaysmademefeellikeIwasthebest:themostbeautiful,the
smartest,themostcharming.AndmostlyIvedonewellin
everything.ButnowImfindingoutthatImnotthat
unusual.MaybeImgoodenough,butIdontknowanymore.

SURPRISE!
Children raised
indulgently actually
feel unlovable, need
constant affirmation,
have a lack of skills,
and lack self-
sufficiency.
soon,childhoodasweknewitdisappearinginthepushforacademicandsocialsuccess)
PermissiveParents/ChildrenwithTooMuchPower(andnoskillstohandleit)

OVERINDULGENCE What is it?
Overindulgenceissomethingthathasslowlycreptintoourcultureofparenting.Althoughparentshavethebestof
intentions,theyoftenunknowinglyhurttheirchildrenbygivingtoomuch:
Too Much Stuff activities,possessions,money,power,etc.
Over-Nurturingtoomuchassistancethatreducesselfreliance
Soft Structurelaxrules,inconsistentconsequences,lowbehavioralexpectations,fewchoresathome

What does indulgent parenting look like in everyday life?

ChildrendontexperienceFIRMandpredictablelimitsandboundaries.
Parentsareoverlyconcernedabouthurtingachildsfeelingswhensettinglimits.
Youngchildrenareincludedasequalsinthedemocracyofthefamily.Theybecomeexpertnegotiatorsand
learnthattheycanwinbyverbaldebate.
Childrenaregiventoomuchauthoritytoo
soonwhichputstheminthepowerseatof
thefamily,withfewskillstohandleit.
Parentsareemotionallyoverattentive.
Childrencometobelievetheyarespecial
andentitled.(i.e.:ItsallaboutME!)
Childrencometoexpecthavingthingsdone
forthem,withouthavingtodotheirpartorgiveback.
Themissionisperfection:overscheduling,overexpecting,notallowingforimperfectionornormal.

Research on the Consequences of Over-indulgence:

SocialResearchontheconsequencesofpsychologicalandmaterialoverindulgenceisgivinguspause.Whatfeels
lovingisactuallyhurtingourchildren.Whathappenswhenwegivetoomuch?

Thedevelopmentofconscienceisinhibited,andchildrenshowweaknessesinmoralcharacter.
Childrenaremoreaggressiveandnoncompliant.
Childrendontdevelopassertionskillsandlackselfconfidence.
Theyshowlowerlevelsofconcernforothers.
Theycarryasenseofentitlement.Theybelievetheyarespecial&shouldbetreatedso.
Childrenshowtherootsofnarcissism:theyareselfishandselfcentered.
Theydoubttheirlovability(selfworth)andneedconstantaffirmation.
Theyareoverlydependentandlessselfreliant.Childrenlearnonlyoneskill(over
dependenceontheirparent),andthetoolstheyvemastered(guilttrips,excuses,
manipulation,anger,intimidation)willbedestructivetotheminlaterrelationships.
Childrenfeeltoobigandpowerful,whichleavesthemfeelingemotionallyunsafe.
Childrendeveloppoorinnercontrolsbecauseallthecontrolsareexternal.
Theyhaveseriousproblemsinadulthood.Spoiledchildrengrowuptobeadultswho
havepoorinnercontrols.Theyareoftenimpulsiveandselfish.Theyarehostilewhen
theydontgetwhattheywant.Theyhavedifficultymaintainingrelationships,unlessconstantlygratified.

The road to genuine happiness demands that children learn SKILLS.

Indulgentparentstrytoalleviatetheirchildrensfrustrationbygivingthemwhattheywant.But,whenchildrenget
everythingtheywant,theydontlearnskills.

The SCIENCE of GOOD PARENTING

Important Discoveries About Young Childrens Brain Development
Childrenareactuallyhardwiringcopingstrategiesintotheirbrainsfromthemomentofbirth.Thisonly
occurswithinthecontextoftheirsignificantrelationships.Thisistheimportanceofwhatwecall
attachment.Attachmentislikeanemotionalfeedbackloop.Childrenlearnfromtheirexperienceswith
Examples of Self-regulation
Coping Strategies:
Reach out to compassionate
others
Talk to self
Talk to others
Express emotions (tears, anger)
Self-soothe (calm self)
Perspectivize (look at the
situation a different way)
Externalize (take a step back)
Explain things away
Overcome problems in small ways
thepeopletheylovethemost.Theytakeintheemotionalmessagesandtheemotionalskillstheyexperience,andthese
becomehardwiredintotheirbrains.Thenexttimetheyareinasimilarsituation,theyrespondautomatically.

Childrenofsoftparentingarenotdevelopinghealthyemotionalregulationskills.
Selfregulationisthecornerstoneofgoodmentalhealthinadultlife.Itgetshardwiredintothebrainearlyinchildrens
lives.Withoutthisselfregulation,childrencanttoleratefeelingbad.Theyactout
impulsively,becomeaggressive,ortuneoutothers.Theydontknowhowtoturn
thevolumeofpainfulexperiencesdown.

EMOTIONAL REGULATIONmeans
Internalstrategiesforgettingourselvesselfoutofthepainofdifficult
experiences/events
Abilitytotoleratestrongfeelingsandtoturnthevolumedown
Toolstocopewithfrustration/disappointment

Howdochildrenlearnemotionalselfregulation?
(1) Fromadultswhomodelnotlosingcontrol
(Ex:achildexperienceshermotherscalminthepresenceofhertantrumand
hermotherscalmlaterbecomespartofthechildsabilitytosootheherself)
(2) Fromsurviving(overcoming)surmountableobstaclesinsmalldoses
(Ex:Hearingno,facingdisappointment,survivingaskinnedknee,etc.)
Throughrepeatedexperiences,childrenlearntodevelopstrategiesforcalming
thestormwithin.Theylearnthattheycancope,whichgivesthemconfidence.

Good discipline means teaching your child to learn self-control and emotional regulation.Tobeaneffectiveparent
requiresclearlydefinedparentingprinciples,outofwhichyourdisciplinestrategiesflow.Herearesomeguidelines.

PARENTING WISDOM from TRADITION

CanWeLearnFromtheWisdomoftheCenturies?
Thatswhatauthor,WendyMogel,believes.Dr.Mogelhadtomakeherownjourney.Shelostherfaithinpsychology
andshelostherfaithinherselfasamother.Herownanxietyfueledhersearchforsomethingmorethatofferedfirm
groundtostandon.Fromspiritualvalues,shedistilledthefollowingpsychologicaltruthsandcommonsense
strategiesforbuildingchildrenwithcharacter.

Takealookatherideas.Thisisnotaformulaforfoolproofparenting,butitdoesgiveyouawaytolookatyourworld
andyourfamily,anditoffersyouguidancethroughthedilemmasofeverydaylifeinourchallengingworld.

Thinkaboutwhatfitsforyou.Incorporateyourownvalues.Takewhatworksandleavetherest.

The PRINCIPLES of PARENTING*

Accept that your children are both unique and ordinary.
Teach them to honor their parents and to respect othersfamily, friends, and community.
Teach them to be resilient, self-reliant, and courageous.
Teach them to be grateful for their blessings.
Teach them the value of work.
Teach them to make their table an altarto approach food with an attitude of moderation, celebration
and sacredness.
Teach them to accept rules and to exercise self-control.
Teach them the preciousness of the present moment.
Teach them about God.
*From The Blessing of a Skinned Knee by Wendy Mogel

Give your child a sense of
BALANCE
Keep two pieces of paper in your
pockets at all times. On one, write
I am a speck of dust. On the other,
write, The world was created for me.
(p.49)
Consider this
When life is mostly ordinary and just
occasionally extraordinary, your
child wont end up with expectations
of herself and those around her that
cant me met on this worldly plane!
-W. Mogel

Trytoseeyourchildasa
seedthatcameinapacket
withoutalabel.
Yourjobistoprovidethe
rightenvironmentand
nutrientsandtopulltheweeds.

Youcantdecidewhatkindoffloweryoull
getorinwhichseasonitwillbloom.

AModernEducator(p.51)
THE BLESSINGS

The Blessing of Acceptance Discover Your Unique and Ordinary Child

Parentsaresoanxioustoberaisingperfectchildrentoday.Theyfeartheordinary.Iftheirchildisdoingwellin
everythingitslikeabadgeforthemthateverythingisOK.Thisthinkingfuelsthespecialnessmyth,whereparents
havedifficultyacceptingachildslimitationsorweaknesses.Theyrushintorescuetheirchildren,thinkingtheyare
helpingtheirselfesteem.Sadly,thisputsmorepressureonchildren,whojustfeelmoreandmoreinadequateinside.

Theageatwhichweexpectchildrentobecomeverygoodateverythingisgettinglowerandlower.Parentswant
everythingfixedbythetimetheirchildiseight.Childrendevelopinfitsandstartsbutnobodyhastimeforthatanymore.Nolate
bloomers,noslowstarters,nothingunusualaccepted.IfachilddoesntgetstraightAs,theparentsstartfretting.Parentsseemto
thinkthatchildrenonlycomeintwoflavors:learningdisabledandgifted.Noteverychildhasunlimitedpotentialinallareas.

Prideandfearofthefuturemakeparentsanxious.Forsome,itisachievementbyproxy.Theseparentsusetheir
childrensachievementstofulfilltheirownsenseofsecurityorunfilleddreams.Otherparentstrytoconquertheirfearof
thefuturebypressuringtheirchildtobeperfect.Theybelievethatonlythechildwhoexcelsateverythingwillsurvivein
thishyperpacedworld.Theyaretryingtosecondguesstheskillstheirchildrenwillneedtwentyyearsformnow.But
theonlythingsthatarecertaintobevaluablearecharactertraits,assertsDr.Mogel,suchashonesty,tenacity,flexibility,
optimism,andcompassionthesametraitsthathaveservedpeoplewellforcenturies.

Rememberthatourchildrenareonloantous.Yourchildisnotyour
masterpiece,saystheauthor.YourchildisnoteventrulyYours.
Childrenareapreciousloantous,andeachonehasauniquepathonlife.
Ourjobistohelpthemfindoutwhatthatis.Whenweignoreachilds
intrinsicstrengthsinanefforttopushhimtowardournotionof
extraordinaryachievement,we
undermineabiggerplan.If
thepressuretobespecialgets
toointense,childrenendupin
thetherapistsofficewith
stomachaches,depression,
eatingdisordersandother
ailments.

TheantidotetoSpecialitisisOrdinaryHoliness.Bythis,Dr.Mogel
meansacceptingtheparadoxthatweareBOTHordinaryanddivine,bothaspeckofdustanduniquelyspecial.Itisall
aboutBALANCE.

Helpful Guidelines for Seeing Your Childs Gifts and Limits

Expectdifferencesthisisnormal.
LearnandacceptyourchildstemperamentYourchildmaynotberebellious,shemayjustbebeingtruetoher
nature.Oneofthegreatestgiftsyoucangiveyourchildistounderstandhertemperamentandworktoacceptit.
Thereisabroadvariationinthesecharacteristicsinchildren:
Emotionalintensity,Persistence,Flexibility,Sensitivity(tonoise,texture,moods,taste,etc.),Energy,Sociability,
Reactionstonewsituations,andMood(optimisticv.serious).
Staytunedintogenderdifferencesunderstandboysenergyand
bewaryofbeautymythsforyourdaughter.
Acceptgoodenoughforyourchildinordertoflourish,children
dontneedthebestofeverything;theysimplyneedwhatisgood
enough.
Dontpressureyourselftobeanextraordinaryparentbeagood
enoughparent,notagreatone!Havealittlelessambitionforyourself
andyourchildren.Plannothing.Justhangaroundyourchildrenandwait
toseewhatdevelops.
Seeyourchildsteacherasanallynottheenemy.Sheistheexpertonchildrenyourchildsage.

Be A Good Model
One of the wisest things we can
teach and practice is the wisdom
of holding back if we cannot
say something positive. (p. 87)


Teach Children to Honor
Guests In Your Home
Wemakeeyecontact.
Webeginagreetingwiththepersons
name:HiDavid.
Wetoleratesmalltalkwithgrace.
Wetrytoremaincheerful,weaskand
answerquestions,andwewalkfriends
tothedoorwhentheyleave.
The Blessing of Having Someone to Look Up To Honoring Parents & Respecting Others

AsDr.Mogelsays,rudechildrenarenothingnew.Buttoday,morethanever,wesympathetic,fairmindedparents
needtomakeaconsciousefforttoestablishourselvesasthehonoredrulersinourhomes.Weneedtoteachrespect.
Thatsoundsratheroldfashionedtomanyofus.Thetruthis,manyparentstoday
actuallyfeelguiltydemandingrespectfromtheirchildren.Theytellmethey
haveanaversiontobeingauthorityfigures,thatitfeelspresumptuous,rigidand
undemocratic.Manyprefertothinkofthemselvesastheirchildrensfriends.

Ourchildrendontneedtwomoretallfriends,cautionsMogel.Theyneed
PARENTS.Onlyyoucanguidethemsotheygrowupstrongandsecure.Only
youcanteachthemtherules,sothatwhentheygrowup,theywillknowhowtofit
in.Butheresthecatch,asMogelsays:theonlywaychildrenwillacceptourguidanceandlistentoouradviceisifthey
respectus.Anditsfairtosaythatifyoudontteachyourchildrentohonoryou,youllhaveaveryhardtimeteaching
themanythingelse.

Childrenarenotourequalsandtheydontwanttobe.Itmakesthemfeelinsecure.Parentsgetfooledbecausechildren
aresuchgreatdebaters,butchildrenarenotpsychologicallyequippedtohandlewinningthosedebates,cautionsMogel.
TheydonthavethematuritytoregulatetheirownTVwatchingorteachthemselvesmanners.Theyneedustodoit.
Theyneedustobebiggerandstrongerandtohavethecouragetotakeastand.Thentheycanrelaxandfeelsafe.

Howwellareyouteachingyourchildrenabouthonoringyou?
Doyouallowyourchildrentointerruptyourunnecessarilyonthephoneorinconversationwithothers?
Doyouhaveadesignatedplaceatthetable?Dotheysitinyourplace?
Dotheyconsistentlyargueandcontradictyourwords?
Dotheytalkbacktoyouinpublic?
Doyourgiveyourchildrenenoughopportunitiestohelpout?Todemonstratethoughtfulness?
Dotheyrespectyourprivacy?Dotheyenteryourroomwithoutaskingortakethingswithoutasking?

Doyoubelieveyoudeserverespect?Manyparentshavebreddisrespectfulchildrenbecausetheydontdemandrespect
fromthem.Why?Becausedeepdowntheydontbelievetheydeserveitortheydontbelievetheycanbestrongenough
tomasterthestruggleitwouldtake.

Ideas for Teaching Respect and Owning Your Authority as a Parent

EstablishRulesandmakeRESPECTyourbottomlineteachchildrenthehabitsofpolitenessandmanners.
(Saypleaseandthankyou,greetfamilymembers,offertoshare
foodandhelp.)Thewordstheysayandthetonetheyusematters!
ItsOKtosay,BecauseImyourmotheryourword,notyour
reasoning,iswhatmatters.
Shortcircuitargumentsshiftyouremphasisfromtryingtoget
yourchildtoagreewithyou(consensus)toteachingherthe
importanceoflisteningandrespectingyourdecision.
Teachchildrentorespectyourprivacymakeyourbedrooma
sanctuary,childrensleepintheirownbeds,learnnottointerrupt
youwhileyouareonthephone,etc.
HoldyourplaceattheheadyoumaintaincontroloftheTV,
theremote,thecomputer,etc.,notyourchild.Keepyourplaceatthetablebothliterallyandfiguratively!

The Blessing of a Skinned Knee The Dangers of Over-Protection

Ourjobistoraisechildrentoleaveus.MosteveryonewouldagreethatourjobistoraisewhatDr.Mogelcalls
hardychildren.Ifweseeourchildrennotasourpossessions,butasagiftonloantous,thenwemustseethatthegift
hassomestringsattached.Wemustgiveourchildrentheskillstofindtheirownwayinlife.Iftheystaytoocarefully
protected,childrenwillbecomeweakorfearfulorfeeltoocomfortabletowanttoleavethenest.

Wearetryingtoinoculatechildrenagainstthepainoflife.Ratherthanhelpingourchildren,wemaybehurtingthem.
Worrier Parents raise Worrying
Children who see the world as
overwhelming and threatening. (p. 97)

Building good
character is a lifelong
process.
We can help children
become calmer and
more resilient by staying
calm ourselves.
-Mogel, p. 113

Ifchildrendonthavethechance
tobebad,theycantchooseto
begood.Iftheydonthavethechanceto
fail,theycantlearn.Andiftheyarent
allowedtofacescarysituations,theyll
growuptobefrightenedoflifessimplest
challenges.(Mogel,p113)
If we overprotect them, we
enslave them with our fears.
Ouroverprotectivenessmaybedenyingourchildrentheopportunitytoovercometheirfearsandtomature.Well
meaningparentsarebecomingmoreandmoredeeplyenmeshedintheirchildrenslives,preoccupiedbytheirchildrens
problems.Insteadofenjoyingtimewiththem,wearebusyfrettingand
fixingourchildren.Parentsaretryingtoinoculatetheirchildrenagainst
thepainoflife.Butwithoutpain,childrencannotgrowstrong.Without
somestruggle,childrenwontlearntoswim.Andmostinsidiousofallis
themessagethatiscommunicatedbyallthislovingprotection:Youdont
havewhatittakestoswimalone!

Dr.MogelpointsoutthatFEARSarebehindouroverprotectiveparentingstyle,
andtheyseepouteverydayintheformofworries,fromchildabductionto
academicreadiness.Sheremindsparentsthatthefirststepistotrytoputcommonsenseandfaithbeforeemotion.

Howdoyouknowifyoureworryingtoomuchaboutyourchildren?
Ifyounoticethatevenduringseeminglyperfectmoments,yourethinkingaboutpotentialtroublesahead.
Ifyourchildrenseemoverlycautiousoranxious.
Ifyourspouse,teachers,orfriendstellyou,Idontknowwhatyouresoworriedabout.
Onestrategy:KeeptotheTwentyMinuteRule.Limityourselftotwentyminutesadayofworrying!

WithdrawYourPower.Withdrawyourpower,ifyouwantyourchildtogrow.Theworldinwhichweareraisingour
childrenpresentsmanychallenges.Ifweoverprotectourchildren,theybecometrappedinourfears.Realprotection
meansteachingchildrentomanagerisksontheirown,notshieldingthemfromeveryhazard,insistsDr.Mogel.

AllowYourChildtoExperienceOrdinaryUnhappiness.Manyparentstodayaredeterminedtokeepchildrensafe
fromemotionalpain,aswellasphysicalpain.Theytrytoprotecttheirchildrenfromthepainofordinaryunhappiness,
suchasbeingsad,angry,disappointed,frustrated,andafraid.Onemeasureofresiliency
istheabilitytotolerateemotionaldistress.Ifparentsrushintoshieldtheirchildren,they
dontgettheopportunitytolearnthattheycansufferandrecoverontheirown.

SIX KEYS to a STRONG CHARACHER

Knowwhentoinsistonindependence.Havingthecouragenottopamperor
overprotectyourchildmeansthatsometimesshewillbeuncomfortable,or
unhappy,oreveninperil,butthatyouarewillingtotakeachancebecauseof
yourcommitmenttohergrowthanddevelopment.
Getchildreninthehabitofsolvingtheirownproblems.Bewaryofrushingin
toosoon.Beacoach,notarescuer.Helpyourchildthinkforhimself.
Giveyourchildrenthechancetoexercisethedivinegiftoffreewill.Allowingyourchildtochoosedoesnt
meanbeingpermissive.Itmeanslettingherchoosebadly,attimes,andtolearnfromhermistakes.
Letyourchildrenexperiencetheworld,wartsandall.Ifweprotectchildrenfrompeoplewhoaredifferent,
inappropriate,orevenchallenging,theyllbetooeasilyfrightenedandshockedasadults.
Teachyourchildnottopanicoverpain.Youngchildrentitratetheir
ownlevelofupsetbasedontheirparentsreaction.Ifaparentreacts
withpanic,achildwill,too.Treatingchildrensdailydistressesas
anexpectedandunalarmingpartoflifeisaneffectivewayto
discouragethemfromturningsmalldifficultiesintobigdramas.
Raiseyourchildrentoleaveyou.Thinkofyourselfasthehothouse
gardenerpreparinghisplantsfortheoutdoorsbygraduallyexposing
themtoadditionalhotandcoldtemperatures.Prepareyour
childrenforroughconditionsbyteachingthemtotoleratesome
stressesandextremes.

The Blessing of Longing Teaching Your Child an Attitude of Gratitude

Children(andadults!)frequentlyconfusewhattheywantwithwhattheyneed.Todayespecially,ourchildrenare
growingupinaculturethatsellsusdesire.Thiscontributestochildrentakingforgrantedwhattheyalreadyhave,
wantingmorethantheyneed,andforgettingtocounttheirblessings.Itissoeasyforallofustobeconsumedbydesires
forwhatwedonthave.

SPOILED
SPOILERS
When things come too
easily for children,
they not only get
spoiled, but they can
also become spoilers
when they grow up.
-W.M.
Whatcanwedo?TryGuidancenotConsensus.Wereasontoomuch.Explainingcauseandeffectrarelyworkswith
childrenbecausetheirpassionandtheirsenseofomnipotenceoverwhelmstheircapacityforlogic.Theirdesireismuch
powerfulthananylineofreasoning!Wewasteourbreathtryingtoconvinceourchildrenofthehighroad.Itdoesnt
work.Youmightwanttouseadifferentapproachtoteachyourchildrenmoderationandgratitude.

Teachchildrenthedifferencebetweenwantsandneeds.Needsincludewhat
childrenarefullyentitledto:respectfultreatment,healthfulfood,shelter,clothing,
doctorsvisits,andagoodeducation.Everythingelseisaprivilege.Yourchilddoes
notneedtoagreewiththispointofview.Onlyyoudo.

Beginthepracticeofsayingno.Respectyourchildsdesireforstuff,withoutcaving
in.Becauseachildcancomeupwithareasonedargument,parentsgivein.Orparents
thinktheyneedtocomeupwithacounterargumenttowintheirchildsunder
standing.Thisbackandforthdebatecandragonforever.Ifyoucavein,youteach
yourchildthatwearingyoudownisanexcellentstrategyforgettingwhathewants.

Trycalmlyignoringyourchildsarguments.Listenbriefly.Understandand
appreciatehisdesires,withoutcondemningthem.Dontgooverboardonnaming
feelingsanddonttrytobeoverlyunderstanding.(Thiscanbeirritatingorcomeacrossasweaknessonyourpart.)A
firmnoandashortexplanationisbest.Learningtosay,Neverthelesscanhelp.Thenendwith,Iknowyouwant
_________,butwearenotgoingtodiscussthisanymore.Thecaseisclosed.

Cultivateanattitudeofgratitude.Gratefulnesscantamegreed.Thistakessomepractice.Teachingchildrentolookfor
theblessingsintheirlifeisonewaytocounterthelongingforthings.Trygoingaroundthetableeachweekandsaying
yourgratitudes.Askyourchildwhatshelikedaboutherday.Stopbeforeeachmealtogivethanks.Both
psychologyandJewishtraditionagree:feelingsfollowactions.Ifparentsputlimitsonchildrensbeggingandwhining
andrequirethemtoperformgooddeeds,childrenwilleventuallybecomelessgreedyandmoregrateful.Dontfocuson
eliminatinglonginginchildren.Instead,wemustteachourchildrenhowtoappreciatewhatwevebeengiven.

Allowyourchildtowait.Wehaveallseenhowthesoonerachildgetssomething,thesoonershellbeontothenext
desire.Longingisalsoablessing,becausechildrenwhogetmostoftheirdesiressatisfiedrightawaydonthavea
chancetoappreciatewhattheyvealreadygot.Giveyourchildtheopportunitytolong,todream,andtoappreciate.

Ways to Nurture Appreciation and Down-play Desire

Dontusethewordneedwhenyoureallymeanwant.
Noticehowmuchyouverbalizeenvyforotherpeoplesthingsinfrontofyourchildren.
Trynottoletyourchildrenseeyouspendinglotsoftimereadingmailordercatalogs.
AvoidfrequentconversationsabouthowmuchyouwanttoownthingsyouseeadvertisedonTV.
Trynottoletthemallbecomeyourmostfrequentfamilyouting.Visitfriends,apark,orgoforawalkinstead.
Teachyourchildtogivetoothersandtocareforourearth.Givingtootherscanbeawaytoacknowledgeones
blessings.Allchildrenlovetheappreciationtheygetfromdoingsomethingnice,eveniftheyhavetobeproddedinto
doingit.Getyourchildintothehabitofservice.Wordsalonedontteachaboutthegoodofgivingratherthanreceiving.
Actionsdo.Takeeveryopportunitytofindwaysyourchildcangive,whetheritsfoldingusedclothestogiveaway,
makingacheerycardforasickfriend,orfixingsomethingthatisbrokeninsteadofthrowingitaway.

The Blessing of Work Finding the Holy Sparks in Ordinary Chores

Thekeytolifeistakingadvantageofeverydayholyopportunities,assertsMogel.Atthecoreofthisblessingisthe
valueofrightaction.Workingtogetherisimportantinamorecosmicsense:itcreatesinchildrenasenseoftheir
obligationtootherpeopleandtotheuniverse.Itelevatesworktoaplaceofholiness.Doingchores(lookingafter
themselvesandhelpingtheirfamily)arechildrensfirstgooddeeds.Mogelsuggeststhatwethinkofourhomesasour
littleholyplaceandourfamilyasalittlecommunity.Whenweworktogethertocreateapeacefulhome,weteachour
childrensomethingdeeper.

Childrenlearnbydoing.Ordinarychoresarethefoundationofourchildrenscharacter.Doingchoresgiveschildren
survivalskillsandteachesthemahabitofresponsibilityearly.Theygaintheconfidencetotakeonbiggerchallengesas
theygetolder.Helpingoutraiseschildrensselfesteem.Theyknowthattheyarenotjustloved,buttheyareneeded.

Advice to Parents
Engaged in Eating Battles:
Light a few candles, pour a little wine
if you like, relax, and enjoy your meal.
Concentrate on your blessings
and invite your child to do the same.
He may catch the spirit. (W. Mogel)
Whyisassigningchoressodifficult?Modernparentsareplaguedbyuncertainty.Werenotcertainthatchoreseven
mattertoourchildsgrowth(Whatsmoreimportantcaringforasiblingoraviolinlesson?)Wetrytomakechoresfun
andkeepchildrenentertained.Wegivetheimpressionthatchoreshavenovaluebeyondtheimmediatepayoff/bribery.
Wegetsoexhaustedthatwegiveup.Attheheartofit,weareambivalent.Ourchildrenhavehighlyfunctional
ambivalencebarometers,saysMogel,andtheypickupouruncertainty.Towinthechoreswar,wemustbecomeaware
ofourowninternalstruggles.Untilyoubelieveinthevalueofchores,youwonthavetheresolvetofollowthrough.

Chores require parental commitment and strong enforcement. Here are some helpful guidelines:

Childrenlearnresponsibilityinphases.Addmoretasksastheyearsgoby.Givechildrenusefulwork.Start
withselfcareandmoveontocaringfortheirownbelongingsandhelpingwithhouseholdchores.
Imagineyourchildinalargerfamily.Thinkaboutthekindsofchoresyourchildmighthavetodoifhewere
oneofsixchildren,whereeveryonehadtotakeapartorthewholeoperationwouldfail.
Makeawishlistofchildchores.Thinkofeverythingyourchildcouldbecapableofdoing.Matchjobswith
yourchildsinterestsandtemperament.
Dontunderestimateyourchild.Sevenyearoldscanactuallymaketheirownlunches!
Grantauthoritywithresponsibility.Letchildrenmakemistakesandlearnfromthem.Ifyoudemandthatthey
doitexactlyyourway,youlltakethecreativityoutofthetaskandincreasetheirresistance.
Deviseasystemofrewards,privileges,andconsequences.Motivateyourchildren.Usepositiverewards
(suchasstayinguplater,watchingaTVprogram,choosingmeals,etc.),whichisdifferentfromentertaining
childrenintocompliance.Motivatingchildrenrequiresclear,predictableconsequencesfornoncompliancetoo.
Stopnaggingandfollowthrough.ParenteducatorBarbaraColorosasaysitsnottheseverityofthe
consequencethathasanimpactonchildrenbutthecertainty.Thesameistrueforrewards.Dowhatyousay.

The Blessing of Food Bringing Moderation, Celebration, and Sanctification to Your Table

Foodisasacredgift.Toooften,mealtimesbecomecatchingfoodontherun,abattlegroundforcontrolissues,ora
placeofcomplaints.Sittingdowntogetherandsayingablessingcanputmealtimebackintoaspecialplaceinourlives.
Trytoavoidcontrolbattlesatmeals.Evengoodeatersturnuptheirnosesatcertainfoods.Steerclearofargumentsand
coercion.Setagoodexample.Enjoyyourfood.Teachchildrentoeatina
healthywayandusegoodjudgment.Butdontthrowoutthepleasure.
Today,weruntheriskoftarnishingourchildrensfoodexperienceswith
joylessfoodtheologies,cautionsDr.Mogel.Wecanoverfocusonthesinsof
eatingasliceofwarmpieorthevirtuesofacarrotstick.Sheremindsusto
aimformoderationandbalance.Thereisaplaceforbothnutritionand
delight.Ayummydessertcanbeholygroundaswell.

Changes you can make at meal time:

Createapeacefulenvironmentforeating.Thepointisnotelaborate
preparationbutbreakingbreadtogetherandeatingitinapeacefulenvironment.Createrituals.Lightacandle,
evendaily.Talkaboutyourdayandencourageyourchildtotalkabouthis.
Sitdownandtakeyourtime.Stopmultitasking.Heightengratitudeandfamilypleasurebyeatingtogether
moreoften.
Rememberthatnoteveryonehasenoughtoeat.Considerconnectingeatingwithgiving.Dosomethingfor
thosewhohaveless.Childrenlovetohelpintangibleways.Putmoneyforfeedinganeedypersoninajar.
Useablessingasaconsciousnessraisingtool.ItmakesusstopandthinkaboutwhatweDOhave.

The Blessing of Self-Control Channeling Your Childs Intensity

Dr.Mogelhasaninterestingwayoflookingatachildsintensity.Jewishwisdomcallsthisenergytheyetzerhara.Its
liketheyeastinthedough.Thisimpulsehasthepotentialfortroublebutisalsothesourceofallpassionandcreativity.

Allnormalchildrenhaveextremesinmind,behavior,andspirit.Itsourjobtocivilizeourchildrenbecausethey
dontcomethatwaynaturally.Theparentschallengeistoteachtheirchildhowtocontroltheenergyofhisyetzer
haraandtransformitintogreatness.Thismeansnotonlyenforcingasetofrules,butalsoacceptingyourchilds
temperament,respectinghislimitations,andshoringuphisstrengths,writesMogel.
Your childs greatest
strength is hidden in
his worst quality, just
waiting to be let out.
-WM
The One-Minute Rebuke
Ifyouaretooupsettospeakcalmly,leavetheroom.
Whenyouarecalm,tellyourchildthatyouneedtalk
withherandgotoaprivateplace.
Getdowntohereyelevelandlookdirectlyather.
Putyourhandgentlyonhershoulderanddescribe
thespecificbehaviorthatisunacceptabletoyou.
(IsawyouandSarahkillingantswithmytweezers.)
Tellyourchildhowyoufeltaboutwhatshedid.Be
brief.Andusesomefacesavingcomment.(Alicia,
thisisntlikeyou.Youareusuallykindtoanimals.)
Dontlabelorbringinotherproblemsorbehaviors.
Tellyourchildtheconsequenceofherbehavior.
(Fromnowon,untilItellyou,youarenotallowedtogo
intomybathroomwithoutasking.)
Finally,offeranopportunitytomakeamends.(What
doyouthinkyoucandotomakeupforyouractions?)
Touchyourchildtoremindherofyourloveandto
reassureherthatyouarenotrejectingher.(Iamsure
itwonthappenagain.)
AdaptedfromM.AdahanandS.JohnstonsOneMinuteRebuke
Amid all the hurry,
its hard for children to
learn essential life skills:
vegging out,
contemplating life,
relieving boredom by
entertaining themselves,
and feeling a general
sense of peace and
contentment.
-WM
Thinkofyourstubbornchildaspersistent,yourargumentativechildasforthright,your
bossychildascommanding,yourshychildasobservant,yourloudchildasexuberantand
yourpickychildasdetailoriented.Ithelps!

Channeling Your Childs Intensity:

Removethestumblingblocks.Whendoesthetroublearise?Ismychildtired?
Hungry?Needtimealone?
Allowsomepreventivehavoc.Allchildrenneedtobreakloosefromconstraintsonceinawhile.Doesyour
childgetenoughtimetohorsearound?Tomakenoise?Togetintotrouble?Makesurethereisspaceforthis.
Presentationiseverything.Watchhowyouaskyourchildtodothings.Areyoupresentingyourrequestasa
funopportunityorasanirritatingburden?Whisperrequests.Transformresponsibilitiesintoanhonor.
Dontbeoverlydemanding.Trytoletgoofimpossibleexpectations.Avoidsayingalwaysandnever.Take
yourchildsgoodintentionsintoaccount.Yourchildcantalwaystellthetruth,remembertobringhomeall
hisbooks,orsitatthetablewithoutsquirming.
Rememberthatsuccessmotivates.Findyourchild
beinggoodandmentionit.Lookforareasof
competence.Makeiteasyforyourchildtosucceedby
settinguphisenvironmenttohelphim.Insteadof
saying,Ifonlyshewouldtryharder,shewoulddobetter,
say,Ifshedidbetter,shewouldtryharder.
Donttalktoomuch.Bequietandlistenmore.Dont
trytoprovideinstantsolutionstoyourchilds
problems.Ifyoufindyourselfarguingwithanychild
olderthantwo,youarewastingyourtime,saysModel,
becausetheirskillsarebetterthanyours!Avoidthe
lecture.Talklessandactmore.
Expressdispleasurewithouthumiliatingyourchild.
UsetheOneMinuteRebukeStrategyinthebox.
Tofindeffectivepunishments,reframeentitlements
asprivileges.Videos,sweettreats,TV,bicycles,play
dates,andevengrilledcheesesandwichespreparedon
thespotareallprivilegestobeearned,ifnecessary.
ChangeyourwordingtoWhen.then.Whenyou
remembertoputyourclothesinthehamperforthreedaysin
arow,youcanwatchtelevisionintheevening.Now,tellmewhatIsaidsoIknowwebothunderstanditthesameway.
Makingamendsrepairstheworld.IntheJewishtradition,tomakeamendsmeanstoreturntoyourtruest
bestselfandtoGod.Makingamendsisagoodwaytohelpchildrenlearnexactlywhattheyhavedonewrong
becausetheyarerequiredtoactivelyundoorrepairtheunacceptablebehavior.Itteachesnewbehaviors.

The Blessing of Time Teaching Your Child the Value of the Present Moment

InthewisdomoftheJewishtradition,timeisaresourcetobeutilized(makethemostofthequalityofyourlife)anda
treasuretobeenjoyed(restingontheSabbath).Perhapswecantakealessonfromthatwisdomaswerushthroughour
hurriedlives.Inordertouseourtimewell,wemustworktoprotectitascarefullyaswe
guardourchildrenshealthandeducation.AsMogelsays,whenweguardourtime,weare
offeringourchildrensomethingthatnoonecanbuy.Weareofferingthemourselves,and
weareshowingthemthepathtoarichandmeaningfullife.

Ways to Guard Your Time

Createsomeholydowntimeatyourhouse.Unplugthephoneandmakecertain
timesprotectedtimeforyourfamily.Maybeitsanuninterrupteddinnerhour,
timealonewithyourspouse,protectedtimeatbedtime,anightwithnotelevision,or
Saturdaymorningbreakfaststogether.Thistakesfiercedevotionandcommitment.
Findtimetoconnect.Childrenhungerforlistening,morethananything.Ifweare
alwaysdistracted,wereonlyhalfthere,andourkidsknowit.Theyllstoptalking.
IDEAS
Sciencetellsushowthingsworkand
ourfaithtellsuswhyitsimportant.
or
Sciencegivesusamaptothestars and
our religiongivesusamaptoheaven.
or
Spiritualityteachesushowtobegood
peopleandtakecareofthetwobig
giftswehavebeengiven:thegiftof
lifeandthegiftofthegreatwide
world.

How to talk to a child about God
Can you see love? you might ask your child.
Love is something we know is real, but we cant see
it. I show my love for you by the way I tuck you into
bed at night and bandage your knee when you fall.
To meet God we have to be like detectives and
look for clues. Just as a candle hidden from view
sheds its glow all around, we can see God in Gods
reflections, in the good things people do for one
another, in the miracles of nature, in our ability
to grow and change. (W. Mogel, p.244)
Letyourchildrendawdleonceinawhile.Trytobalancehighpressuretimewithtimethatisleisurely.Leave
plentyoftimeforbedtimerituals.
Dontdothingsyouhate.Whenspendingqualitytimetogether,dothingsthatbothyouandyourchildenjoy.
Makesureyourchildrenhaveachancetogetbored.Childrenneedachancetobuilduptheirboredom
tolerancemuscle.Treatdaydreamingandfoolingaroundasvaluableactivities.Examininglifetakestime.
Guardtimeforchildhood.Childrenarebeingpushedandenticedintogrowinguptooquickly.Treataseven
yearoldforwhatheisjustseven.Protecthischildhoodinnocence.
Marriagefirst,thenchildren.Inourracefortime,weoftenneglectourmarriagesmorethanourchildren.Get
outofthehouseoneeveningaweek.Timewithyourspousecanweatherproofyourrelationship.

The Blessings of Faith & Tradition Introducing Your Child to Spirituality

Allchildrenhaveadeepneedtobelieveinsomethingmore,somethingbiggerthanthemselves.Youngchildrenare
particularlyopentowonderandreverence,whetheritstheiraweoverabeautifulrainbowortheirprofoundquestions
aboutlife.WendyMogelinvitesparentstoexploretheirchildsneedforspiritualityandchallengesustoloseourfearof
theGword.Childrenfindtraditionandritualdeeplycomforting.Parentswhohavespiritualbeliefsandwanttopass
themontotheirchildrenmightbeinterestedinsomeoftheideasbelow.Othersmaypassthissectionby.

Inhercounselingpractice,Dr.Mogeldiscoveredthatthechildrenshesaw
neededsomethingdifferentfromtheirparents.Sheencounteredsomanyloving
andsensitiveparentswhowerelookinginthewrongplacestoremedytheir
familysdistress.Theyweremeasuringtheirchildrenbysizinguptheirmoods,
theirgrades,ortheirsocialstanding.Butweneedtotakealongerviewand
measuredifferently,arguesMogel.Wemustlookatchildrenscapacityfor
reverence,forgratitude,andforcompassion.

Buildingstrengthandselfreliancerequiressomethingmore.Theseare
qualitiesthatdontkickinautomatically,leastofallfromamathtutor.It
requiresplanninganddiscipline.Ittakesusfiguringoutwhatwebelieveand
becomingconsciousaboutbringingthatintoourlivesthroughourteaching,our
values,andourpractices.Childrencanlearntoplaytenniswhetherornotyou
play,writesModel.TheycanlearndesktoppublishingandhowdorefinedWebsearches,butlearningvaluesand
developingasenseoftheholymuststartathome.Youareyourchilds
firstteacher.

ManyparentsavoidthetopicofGodbecausetheyarentsurewhat
theybelieveandtheydontwanttoharmorconfusetheirchildren.
Furthermore,manyofuslacktheconceptsorlanguagetoanswerour
childrensquestions,aswellasourown,sowesteerclearofthem.You
dontneedtoknowtherightanswers,shesays.Youcanletyour
childknowyouhaventfigureditalloutyet,butthatyouwanttokeep
thinkingaboutitandtalkingaboutitthroughoutyourwholelife.She
explainsthatchildrenareveryliteralandtheyneedtohearthe
concrete.SoifyouwanttotalkaboutGod,youneedtogivechild
examplesclosetoherasyounoticethem.Mogelalsopresentsa
thoughtfulwayofunderstandingtheconflictbetweenGodand
science,whichmightbehelpfulforsomeparents.Shesuggeststelling
childrenthatGodissodifferentfromsciencethatwecantusethesamepartsofourmindtounderstand.Toteach
aboutGod,weusestoriesandweusethepartofourmindthatseesbeautyinnatureandgoodnessinpeople.

Youandyourfamilymaychooseadifferentpaththanthatofyourforebears,butifyoudontwantto
getcaughtupintheanxiety,materialismandcompetitionallaroundus,youmustchoosesomepathto
walkonwithyourchildren.Youmustnameit,followit,andplanthecurriculumfortheirspiritual
educationasthoughtfullyandintelligentlyasyouplanfortheiracademiceducation.(WM)


SOURCES
TheBlessingofaSkinnedKneebyWendyMogel.PenguinBooks,2001.
OverIndulgedchildren:DealingwithAtRiskYouth&TheirEnablingParents,AmericanSocietyofProf.Education,Version2.04,2004.