Complete and Finished ... Do you know the difference?

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between
'complete' and 'finished'.

In a recently held linguistic competition held in London, England, and attended by the
best in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man from Bachelors' Adventure,
was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and
FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand. Some people say there is no difference
between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Here is his astute answer ....

"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry
the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the
wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

The difference between heaven and hell
Heaven is a place where the police are English; the chefs are Italian;
the car mechanics are German; the lovers are French and it's all organised by the Swiss.

Hell is a place where the police are German; the chefs are English
the car mechanics are French the lovers are Swiss and it's all organised by the Italians.

Unversity
College Writing

A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.

"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.

"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."

The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"

"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."

Modesty
A proper little madam proclaimed everywhere she went,
"I'm General X's daughter."
Her mother tried to make her more modest by ordering,
"You must not boast to everyone who your father is."
The next day, the pair were stopped in the street by an old family friend who had not seen
them for a while.
"Aren't you General X's daughter?"
"That's what I've always thought", replied the little minx, "But now mummy tells me I must
not say who my father really is. Especially as he is nothing to boast about."

Male Assertiveness
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to
a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on
assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man
of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and
when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after
dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my
bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.

Election Joke - 2011
Election Joke - 2011
--------------------------------------
The Riddle
------------------------
Jack Layton (NDP) met with the Queen of England .

He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any
tips you can give to me in case I form the next government

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself
with intelligent people."

Layton frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know if the people around me are really
intelligent? "

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy, you just ask them to answer an intelligent
riddle".
"The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please,Tony, your mother and father have
a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Layton went back home to ask Mike Ignatief, his Liberal cohort.
"Answer this for me Iggy; Your mother and your father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Iggy. "Let me get back to you on that one.."
He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally,
he ended up in the men's room and recognized Steven Harpers shoes in the next stall.

Iggy asked Harper, "Steve, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a
child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Harper answered back, "That's easy you dummy, it's me!"

Iggy smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Layton . "Say, I did
some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It is Steven Harper.

Layton got mad and yelled "No you idiot it is not! It's Tony Blair"!

AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS WHAT'S WRONG WITH OUR GOVERNMENT.

College Finals
At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing
so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the
semester.

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up
to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but
after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until
early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and
explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the
weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire
on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they
missed the final.

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following
day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at
the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each
of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free
radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room,
"this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?

Dog died
Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.

"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time
with God."

Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

Only found in America
Only found in America
----------------------------------------------
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the
counters...

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave
useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting
so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in
latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"..

Gossips
A women complained to a friend, "She told me that you told her the secret I told you not to
tell her."

"Well," replied her friend in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell you I told her."

"Oh dear!" sighed the first women. "Well, don't tell her I told you that she told me."

Bar Joke
The Past, Present and Future walked into a bar.....it was tense.


The Doctor and the Lawyer
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. However, their conversation was constantly
interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free
medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop
people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty,
the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Husband and wife joke .... hehe
Husband asks: Do u know the meaning of wife?
Without Information Fighting Every time.
Wife on hearing replies,
It also means With Idiot For Ever

Best Beer....
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out
for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Seor, I would like the world's best beer, a
Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of
Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water,
give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little
taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a
Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking
beer, neither would I.

Therapist Humour: Loud, Mad, Sad
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an
oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose
a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits
in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
Shopping for a Husband
A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband
from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive
attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from
that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend,
but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she
goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the
housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And
again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the
housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to
the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This
floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Four Business Dads
Once there were four business men. They were sitting on a bench in a hospital waiting room
because their wives were having babies.

A nurse comes over and says to the first businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had 1
baby."

The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the president of And1!"

The nurse goes away.

Then the nurse comes back and says to the second businessman, "Congratulations! Your
wife had twins!"

The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the owner of the Minnesota Twins!"

The nurse goes away.

The nurse comes back and says to the third businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had
triplets!"

The man says, "What a coincidence! I work for Triple Crown!"

The nurse goes away.

The nurse comes back and sees the fourth businessman alone on the bench crying.

She asks, "Why are you crying"?

The man replies, "I work for Seven Up"!!

Phone the Sherriff
Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?
Yes. What can I do for you?
I'm calling to report bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin marijuana inside his
firewood! Dont quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but hes hidin it there.
Thank you very much for the call, sir. The next day, twelve Sheriffs Deputies descend on
Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open
every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house. Hey, Virgil! This heres Floyd. Did the Sheriff
come?
Yeah!
Did they chop your firewood?
Yep!
Happy Birthday, buddy!

The BEST Divorce Letter Exchange - EVER!!!!!
Letter From Hubby:

Dear Wife,

Im writing you this letter to tell you that Im leaving you forever. Ive been a good man to you for 7
years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell
me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didnt even
notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk
boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You dont
tell me you love me anymore; you dont want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.
Either youre cheating on me or you dont love me anymore; whatever the case, Im gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. dont try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great
life!

Reply of Wifey:

Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. Its true you & I have been married for 7
years, although a good man is a far cry from what youve been. I watch my soaps so much because
they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesnt work. I DID notice when you
got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was You look just like a girl! Since my
mother raised me not to say anything if you cant say something nice, I didnt comment. And when
you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I
stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the
$49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just
borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out.
So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But
when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the
fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you wont get a
dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I dont know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope thats not a
problem.
-Shelby
Riddle: The question of eternity
I am the begining of eternity and the end of time and space. I am the beginning of every
end and the end of every place.

What am i?

The Answer: The letter "E"! Beginning of Eternity end of timE and spacE, etc.

Blind Man
Enjoy...

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man
joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and
only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets
irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk,
and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?
That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,
we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up."

What A Girl Wants For Christmas
The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a Emily, young lady aged
about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap. Now, we all know that Santa doesnt
usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, What
do you want for Christmas?
Something for my mother, please, replied Emily sweetly.
Something for your mother? Well, thats very loving and thoughtful of you, smiled Santa.
What do would you like me to bring her?
Without turning a hair Emily answered quickly, A son-in-law.

Trust Him?
On the Sunday before Christmas Reverend Billy Graham was walking down Highland street
in Mt Holly, North Carolina on his way to see a parishioner. However, he wanted to post a
parcel urgently so he asked a young boy where he could find the post office. When the boy
had directed him, Reverend Graham thanked him and said, If youll come to the Church this
evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven.
The boy replied, I think Ill give your sermon a miss. If you dont even know your way to
the post office, how will you lead me to heaven?

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing
employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

AVERAGE: Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.

HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.

ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.

HAPPY: Paid too much.

WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.

COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Annoying.

WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.

SHOULD GO FAR: Please.

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.

VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything.

DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/s feel appreciated.

The Dog Track
A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee
and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your pants
pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better
have an explanation."

"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the
dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."

The next morning his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again. "What was
that for?" he complained.

"Your dog called last night."

A Woman's Perspective
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-
looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy
wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time
trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked..

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for
dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that?
I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has
given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

Quotes from the stars
13) "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
(Sharon Stone)

12) "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never
forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." (Barbara Bush, Former US First Lady)

11) "Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word , meaning to rip out a man's genitals through
his wallet." (Robin Williams)

10) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." (Billy Crystal)

9) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give
her a house." (Rod Stewart)

8) "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have
diarrhea, or you're eager to meet people who do." (Henry Kissinger)

7) "My girlfriend always laughs during sex no matter what she's reading." (Steve Jobs,
Founder: Apple Computer)

6) "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee, the natural enemy of a
tightrope walker." (Dan Rather, News anchorman)
5) "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
(Arnold Schwartzenegger)

4) "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for
white men dressed like black pimps." (Tiger Woods)

3) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the
month that I can be myself." (Roseanne)

2) According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of
men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too
judgmental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful. (Robert De Niro)

1) AND THE NUMBER ONE QUOTE IS: See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a
penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. (Robin Williams)

Mans worst nightmare
After a long night of making love, Danny rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and
searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked Sheila if she had one at hand.
There might be some matches in the top drawer, she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a
framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry. Is this your husband? he inquired nervously.
No, silly, she replied, snuggling up to him.
Your boyfriend then? he asked. No, not at all, she said, nibbling away at his ear.
Well, who is he then? demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, Sheila replied, Thats me before the operation.

Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because
they:
1. Eat less
2. Dont ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Dont hang out with drug-using friends
7. Dont smoke or drink
8. Dont have to buy the latest fashions
9. Dont want to wear your clothes
10. Dont need a gazillion dollars for college.
And finally,
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Cheater
A lady walks into a pharmacy and asks the
pharmacist for some arsenic.

The pharmacist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"

The lady says "To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you any for that reason," says the pharmacist.

The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband having sex with
the pharmacist's wife.

He looks at the photo and says "Oh, pardon me, I didn't realize you had a prescription."

Do you know who I am?
It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman
courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class!

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the
class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.
Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the
exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour
later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted
to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know who I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again in a louder voice.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked
out of the room.

A poet and a Scientist
A poet and a scientist were traveling together on a plane. The scientist was bored and said
to the poet, "Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it
wrong, you give me $5. Then, you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you
$5."
The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the
scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer.
The scientist, who was really bored, tried again. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you
can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll
give you $50."

The poet agreed. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the exact distance between the Earth
and the Moon?"

The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's
question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist.

The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn."

The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "All right, what goes up a
mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?"

The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long
time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his
notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia. As the plane was
landing the scientist gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill.

The poet accepted it graciously, getting ready to stand up. "Wait!" the scientist shouted,
"you can't do this to me! What's the answer?"

The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.

Weight Loss Program
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock
on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe with a sign around her
neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can
catch me, I'm yours.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs
himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door
and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing a
skimpy running outfit, running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, I'm yours.'

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no
such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and
better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs.
as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing
there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're
mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.

nervous taxpayer
A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS tax auditor who had come to review his
records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live
and work in the United States. As a citizen, you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to
eagerly pay them with a smile."

"Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face from ear to ear. "I thought you were
going to want me to pay with cash."

knowledge vs wisdom
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

A Cute Dog
A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.
He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch," he says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog."

Looking for a Wife
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a
good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I
bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's
just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did
your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my
mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

Abstinence - Fail
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements
for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came
back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"

"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up,
I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."

Unusual Funeral
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance
back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman was so curious that she respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said,
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.
Whose
funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was
trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

A Woman's Prayer
I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death.

Contractors
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C..

One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official
to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some Measuring, then works some figures
with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew
and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $700:
$300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and
whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with
such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from
Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

Job Test Cheater
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company.

They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were
asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.

The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give
the job to the other applicant."

"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the
Department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.'
You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

Heaven's Car
Three friends are in a car driving to the ballgame when a big truck runs them over, killing
them instantly.

They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed by St. Peter. "OK, you," he
says, pointing to Vito, "How many times did you cheat on your wife? And don't lie, I'm St.
Peter you know. "

Vito hangs his head and replies, "Honestly Pete, I was with two maybe three different
broads a week."

St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that used Geo Metro over there, goodbye."

He looks at Eddie and asks, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"

Eddie replies, "I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on my wife 3 times."

St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that LeBaron, goodbye."

He then looks at Jacob and asks, "And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

Jacob lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say that over 20 years of marriage, I
never cheated on my wife! In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I
remained celibate the whole time!"

St. Peter replies, "Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible, goodbye!"

A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for Jacob at the park where all three had
planned to meet. Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and his friends notice
that he is sobbing like a baby.

Vito asks, "Hey! Whatsamatterwidyou? We should be crying! We're stuck with these ugly
buckets and you got a new Ferrari!"

Jacob, between sobs replies, "I just saw my wife on a skateboard!"

Aliens Land In Texas!
Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station.

They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings,
Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The alien repeated the greeting.

There was no response.

The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his
ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you
ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before
he finished his warning, the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where t hey
landed in a heap.

When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and
said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so
dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the
galaxy...any guy who can wrap his dick around himself twice and then stick it in his own
ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with!"

Who pushed me in?
A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs
the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has
a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.

"I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool."

So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash
and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws
are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy
reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.

The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I
will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have
ever seen.

So sir what will it be?"

The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who
pushed me in!"

Trying out for The Police
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail
in the bucket went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"

"11" he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

"What two days of the weekstart with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of
himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally
admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of
the interview. Gomer was exultant.

"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Army joke
By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got
to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a proprietor.

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy" admitted the
manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so
loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be
worth it to you.

" No problem." the tired Army guy assured him, "I'll take it."

The next morning the soldier came down to breakfasts bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd
you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better", said the soldier.

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?"

"No, I shut him up in no time", explained the soldier.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the proprietor.

"Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a
kiss on the cheek" explained the soldier. Then, I whispered in his ear 'Good night
beautiful', and he sat up all night watching me."

Millions of Stars
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After sharing a good meal and a bottle of Petrie
wine, they retire to their tent for the night.
At about 3 AM, Holmes nudges Watson and asks, "Watson, look up and tell me what you
see?"

Watson: "I see millions and millions of stars".

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells
me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."

genie joke
A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out.
The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double."
The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion."
The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions.
The man said "I would like a million dollars."
The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars.
Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."

birth control pills
An elderly woman went to her local doctors office and asked to speak with her doctor.
When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, Id like to have some birth
control pills.

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but
youre 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?

The woman replied, They help me sleep better.

The doctor considered this for a second, and continued How in the world do birth control
pills help you sleep?

The woman said, I put them in my granddaughters orange juice, and I sleep better at
night.




Let the Trucker Sleep
After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for
a little while. As soon as he falls asleep, he is awoken by some knocks on
the door of the cab.

"Can you tell me the time, please?" asks a jogger.

"Yeah, it's 4:30," answers the trucker. He falls asleep again, but he is
awoken again by another jogger who wants to know the time.

"It's 4:40!" yells the trucker. Deciding to really try to sleep a little, he writes
on a piece of paper: I DON'T KNOW THE TIME. He sticks the paper in his
windshield.

But he is awoken again. 'It's 5:25," says another jogger.

A girls 3 favorit animals
What are a girls 3 favorit animals? A jaguar in the garage, a mink in the closet and an old
goat to pay for it all.

The Old Man and the Sea
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the
seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were
pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other
sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.
"Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook."

The Happy Hangover

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not
normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got
home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to
a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect
order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom
mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it
and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries
to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the
morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what
happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee
table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the
door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a
rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your
pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"

Day off
Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need
to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

Reading
Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you;
The next day I stopped smoking.
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you;
The next day I stopped eating red meat..
Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you;
The next day I stopped drinking.
Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you;

This morning I stopped reading.........

student jokes
Student A: My teacher caned me for something I didnt do?
Student B: Thats so bad.
Student A: Well, I didnt do my homework.
Teacher's joke
Teacher: Tell me an example of a creature which can live on water as well as the land.

Student: Frog.

Teacher: Another example.

Student: Another frog.

one liners
Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.

How many letters in the Alphabet? 19, cuz ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after
him.

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

Doctor Jokes
The patient says, "Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea."
The doctor says, "Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink."

10 Reasons Not To Jog
1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we
don't know where the heck she is.

2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently
you have to show up.

4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further
up our body.

6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

man and fish
Give a man a fish and feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

'the secret of a perfect relationship'
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks and
cleans from time to time, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie
to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to
be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other

Investment
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at
that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman
inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.
When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."




A guy rings his boss and says "I cant
A guy rings his boss and says "I can't come to work today

The boss asks why and the guy says "it's my eyes."

"What's wrong with your eyes?" asks the boss.

"I just can't see myself coming to work, so I'm going fishing instead..."

A Husband goes to a Priest
Not an original but it makes me laugh...

A Husband goes up to a Priest and says "Father, I think my wife is trying to poison me." The
Priest says, "Don't worry, I'll talk to her." The Priest comes back and tells the husband "I
spoke with your wife for 8 hours. TAKE the poison."

The New CEO
A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy
would just stand around on the job.

The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing
here?"

"I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man.

Furious, the CEO asks "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for
$1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back."

The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone
want to tell me what just happened here?"

From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200."

Newlyweds
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know
where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those
on!"

He replies, "I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

Blonde paint job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a
handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the
front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to
do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The
blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint
and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the
house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that
the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should.
She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to
the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes,"
the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.
"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the
blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

A Groom's Tale
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year,
and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me . . . it was
her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was
braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than
a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was
near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires
for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just
once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock,
and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one
last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the
top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a
moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and
headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his
eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our
little test . . . we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car!

Half Sisters
One Sunday morning Joe burst into the living room and said, "Dad, Mom, I have
some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in
town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, Joe's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Your
mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has
never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with
women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry
her."

Joe was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls
again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes!
We are getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad
news. "Diane is your half-sister too, Joe, I am very sorry about this."

Joe was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I am never going to get married", he
complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my
half-sister."

His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says,
dear. He's not really your father."

Religious Boyfriend
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her
parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner,
she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to
get some condoms.
He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an
hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the
pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first
time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the
door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The
boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

The Elderly Irish Virgin
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin, and very proud of it.

Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything
was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened
to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she
informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her
tombstone: "BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the
undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it
became quite apparent that the tombstone she had selected was much too small for the
wording that shehad chosen.

He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request considering
the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.

For days, he agonized over the dilemma, but finally his experience as a postal worker
allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:

"RETURNED UNOPENED"

The Reception
At an Irish wedding resection someone yelled...

"Would all the married men,
please stand next to the one person
who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Patients and Doctors
Doctor to a rich man: Do you prefer a local anesthesia?
Rich man: I would rather prefer an imported one.

A woman went to the Doctor and said "When I looked in the mirror this morning, I saw my
hair was frizzy, my skin wrinkly, my eyes bloodshot what is wrong with me?".
The Doctor replied "Well the good news is that your eyesight is fine".

Blonde Joke - Cutting Pizza
A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would
like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

Humorous Quotes
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. (Louis Hector Berlioz)

Dont hate yourself in the morning- sleep until noon.

I am always ready to learn, but I do not always like being taught. (Winston Churchill)

Love thy neighbor as yourself, but choose your neighborhood. (Louise Beal)

When all else fails, lower your standards.

Bummer Sticker in Nashville: "God bless America...please hurry."

I don't have a solution, but I certainly admire the problem.

Confidence is that feeling you get you before you understand the gravity of the situation.

People today are well prepared for catastrophic emergencies, but totally unprepared for
everyday life.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

No one is perfect, but some of us are closer than others.

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself. (Rita Mae Brown)

You know you're getting old, when you find yourself giving good advice instead of setting a bad
example.

You know something is seriously wrong when trying to figure out your last hospital bill requires
that you take additional medication for your blood pressure.

10 Things I know about you...
10 Things I know about you...

1) You are reading this
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips
4) You just attempted to do it
6) You are laughing at yourself
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No.5
8) You just checked to see if there is a No.5
9) You laugh at this because you are an idiot. Don't worry, everyone does.

The guide to wife translations
The guide to wife translations

The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to

The wife says: I'm not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron

The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.

The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.

The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.


French Computers
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English
counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House," in French, is feminine-"la mansion."

"Pencil," in French, is masculine - "le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "...What gender is computer?..."

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.

So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to
decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la
computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to
everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on
accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"),
because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have
gotten a better model.

The women won.

daughter
A woman, her husband, and their three rambunctious young sons were in their car waiting
at a traffic.

The woman glanced over at the car next them, noticing a blissfully happy mother with her
baby daughter.

Looking at her husband she said, "As soon as I lose my weight from the last baby, I want to
try for a daughter."

The husband reached up to the dash, grabbed an open box of snacks, and said, "Here, have
another cookie.

a kindergarten teacher
A Kindergarten teacher

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a
minute."

wishes
A grad student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city park and they find an
antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the grad student. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a
speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes topless." Poof! He's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a
professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the genie says to the professor.

The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch.

johnny joke
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to
answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with a guy, how many
would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny. "Cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four, "said the teacher, "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now, if there were three women eating ice
cream cones in a shop: one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone, and the
third was sucking the cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger, BUT I like the way
you are thinking."

About Marriage
1. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding
ring, suffering.

2. There are two times a man doesnt understand a woman,
before marriage and after marriage!

3. A successful husband is one who makes more money than
his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find
such a man!
New Relationship Book
"My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's titled: 'Women
are from Venus, Men are Wrong.'"

The Best Smart @$$ Answers of 2012!!
SMART @$$ ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART @$$ ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man
approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed
her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART @$$ ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one
big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'

SMART @$$ ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his
window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART @$$ ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge
Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged
under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts
his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

SMART @$$ ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2012!!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate
any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious
personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you
say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the
teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess
you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she
sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.... I really need you to
pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

Dear...
Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely, Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them,
they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely, Logic

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely, The Titanic

Dear J.K. Rowling,
Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?
Sincerely, Anonymous

Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely, Canada

Dear Boyfriend,
I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
Sincerely, Spiders

Dear Voldemort,
So they screwed up your nose too?
Sincerely, Michael Jackson

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely, Google

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely, BP

Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely, 1985

Dear Justin Bieber,
Ariel would really love her voice back.
Sincerely, King Triton

Dear Rose,
There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.
Sincerely, Jack

Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely, That Little Triangle

Dear Taylor Swift,
If it is of any interest to you, Romeo and Juliet both kill themselves in the end.
Sincerely, Shakespeare

Dear Soccer Fans,
B B B B B B Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z
Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z!
Sincerely, Vuvuzelas

Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely, God

Dear Rubik's Cube,
Done!
Sincerely, Colorblind

Dear Santa,
Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho's.
Sincerely, Tiger Woods

Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,
I. Can't. Breathe.
Sincerely, Your Balls

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.,
I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream... What now?
Sincerely, Leonardo DiCaprio

Dear Sleeping Beauty,
I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the hun army and totally save China for
my man.
All you had to do was wake up.
Sincerely, Mulan

Dear Romeo,
My death isn't the only thing I've been faking...
Sincerely, Juliet

Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely, Unimpressed

Dear Sex Educators,
Abstinence is only 99.99% effective.
Sincerely, The Virgin Mary

Dear Toaster,
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?
Sincerely, Toast

Dear Edward,
I really hope that one day, I can find my way into your heart.
Sincerely, a stake

Dear Prince Charming,
You've got some explaining to do!
Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty

Vet joke
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed,
is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy."

fight between wife and husband
-Last night, I had a fight with my wife. Of course, she was the one who came kneeling to
me.....
-And what did she tell you?
-Well, to get out under the bed.

A Frog Calls a Psychic
Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs.
Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young
girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

Welcome Home!
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder
and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in
bed with my wife, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the
guest bedroom that night.

The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was OK to sleep with Mom when
the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night.
They said OK.

After my next trip several weeks later, my wife and the kids picked me up in the terminal.
Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's
arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.

As I entered the waiting, area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've
got good news!"

I waved back and said excitedly, "What's the good news?"

"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted through the
crowd.


Drinking, Gambling, and Golf
A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-
looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will
you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars.

Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The bum was astounded.

"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell
pretty bad."

The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up
drinking, gambling, and golf."
Employee and Boss
Employee: I got to have salary increment. Three other companies are after me.

Boss: Really? Which are the three companies?

Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.

A kiss for a yard

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this
material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk.

"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the
cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled,
"Grandpa will pay the bill."

SMS as it ought to be
Broke Son at college to Dad

"No Money, Not Funny, Your Sonny"

Dad to Son

"So Sad, Too Bad, Your Dad"

Stale
An elderly married couple were walking in the park the other day and noticed a young man
and woman sitting on a bench, kissing passionately.

The wife asked, "Why don't you do like that man?"

The husband replied, "I don't even know that woman!"

Teacher/Student Joke
Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.
Maria: This is it.
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class: Maria did.

Dirty-mind!
A Chinese lady cant speak English. At the grocery, she wanted to buy pork leg, she showed
her legs. Next day, she needed chicken breast, she showed her breast. On the third day,
she brought along her husband because she wanted sausage. What did she do?
Oh, dirty-minded!
Her husband can speak English!!!

New communication tool bet father and son
Dad's writes on son's Facebook wall:
"Dear Son, How are you? All are fine here. We miss you a lot. Please!! TURN OFF THE
COMPUTER & COME DOWN FOR DINNER!!!

Lost Again
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know,
I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

41 years of marriage
After being married for 41 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, 'Honey,
41 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a
10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 22-year-old gal.

Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but
I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side
of things.'

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 22-year-old gal,
and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a
cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis... PRICELESS!!!!!

Retirement
During a visit to the retirement home, I asked the director, How do you determine whether
or not a person should be institutionalized?

Well, said the Director, We fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and
a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.

Oh, I understand, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because its bigger than
the spoon or the teacup.

No, said the Director. A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the
window?

Lost Helicopter
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction
disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the
clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in
the helicopter's window. The sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a
building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved,
looked at his map and determined the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport
and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A
HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me
a technically correct but completely useless reply.

new password
A husband and wife were trying to set up a new password to their computer.

The husband, trying to embarass the wife, puts MYPENIS as password.

The next minute, the wife fell to the ground laughing. The screen error was: Error. Not long
enough.

The tradition at weddings
A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl
wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of
her life."

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

The greatest!!!1
Four catholic mothers are sitting around, bragging about their sons, each of whom is a
priest.
First mother says: My son is a monsignor and when he walks in the room, people greet him:
"Good morning Monsignor!

Second mother says: Well, my son is a bishop and people greet him: "Good morning your
Grace!

Third mother says: Well, my son is a cardinal and people greet him: "Good morning youre
Eminence!

The fourth mother pause and says: "My son is seven feet tall and is 350 pounds of pure
muscles. When he walks outside, people greet him: "Oh My God

Young Kids giving Excellent Advice
"Never trust a dog to watch your food."
-- Patrick, age 10

"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?'" Don't answer."
-- Hannah, age 9

"Never tell your Mom her diet's not working."
-- Michael, age 14

"Stay away from prunes."
-- Randy, age 9

"When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair."
-- Taylia, age 11

"A puppy always has bad breath--even after eating a Tic-Tac."
-- Andrew, age 9

"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk."
-- Amir, age 9

"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse."
-- Naomi, age 15

"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat."
-- Joel, age 10

"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone."
-- Alyesha, age 13

This is so me and my husband
They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been
talking to each other.

Instead, they were giving each other written notes.

One evening he gave her a paper where it said:

"Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am."

The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock.

Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying:

"Wake up, it's 6 o'clock!"

Five Mostly Pointless Riddles
These questions are designed to see if you're really thinking. It sharpens your brain and
makes you think maybe that extra beer last weekend really wasn't such a good idea...

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is
full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of
lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes.
Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful
dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or
Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is
so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong
with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think
about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find
out. Try to do so without any coaching!

The answers to all five the riddles are below:

1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. That one was easy,
right?

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and
hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!

5. The letter E, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not
appear even once in the paragraph.

The Job Interview
A man had an interview at a large company.
In looking over his application the HR Representative said: "Well, in looking over
your work history I see you have been fired from every job you have held!"
"Yes." the man said
"Well, how would you explain that?" said the HR Rep. "There isn't much positive
about that work history!"
"Sure there is !" says the man. "It shows that I am not a quitter!"

Still pretty
When the husband was lying the wife removed his glasses. You know, honey, she said
sweetly, Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married.
Honey, he replied with a grin, Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!

Birds and Bees
Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway. Your Mom and I first
got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it
was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've
Got Male.

Dinner invitation
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are
dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

College Dorm Rules
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory will
be off limits to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first
time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third
time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"

One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"

Do you use your cell phone in public? :)
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and
started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".

"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.

When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the
phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

True Love
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your telephone,
takes your money,
and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place,
you either married it or gave birth to it!

Brainless Lawyers
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for
breathing?"

"No."

"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"

"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing
law for a living.

Time Saver?
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these
techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained.
"She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single
item at a time.
'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"

The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I
do it in seven"

Orientation
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon
you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and
a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school
teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"


Boy or Girl
A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.


Call Me a Taxi
A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.


The Trains Are Always Late
A man was complaining to a railroad engineer.

What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.

The railroad engineer replied.

How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?


Two More Riddles
Q: What has many keys but can't open any doors?
A: A piano.

Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Yes, because the Empire State Building can't jump!

Alphabet Riddles
Q: What letter of the alphabet is an insect?
A: B. (bee)

Q: What letter is a part of the head?
A: I. (eye)

Q: What letter is a drink?
A: T. (tea)

Q: What letter is a body of water?
A: C. (sea)

Q: What letter is a vegetable?
A: P. (pea)


A Sentence That Starts with "I"
In the classroom the teacher is asking a student to do something.

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with "I."

Student: I is the ...

Teacher: Stop! Never put "is" after "I." Always put 'am' after "I."

Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.


Will I Be Able to Play the Piano?
A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation.

B: Yes, of course.

A: Great. I never could before.


Tenses
The teacher says: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful,"
which tense is it?

The student says: Obviously it's the past tense.


Baby Brother
Two children are talking.

A: Meet my new born brother.
B: Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name?
A: I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.


Coins
A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."

The friend says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"

The first guy says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them."


The Frog & The Engineer
An engineer was taking a walk when a frog spoke to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a
beautiful princess."

He picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I'll
become your girlfriend."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

The frog spoke again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll become
your wife."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket again, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog said, "What is the matter? I'm a beautiful princess. Why won`t you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm a busy engineer. I don`t have time for a girlfriend or a wife, but a
talking frog, now that's cool."


Love & Marriage
People often enjoy joking about love and marriage.

Here is a joke about the first three years of marriage.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year of marriage, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Here's another joke about marriage.

A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."


3 Restaurants
There were three restauraunts on the same block. One day one of them put up a sign which
said "The Best Restaurant in the City."

The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign which said "The Best
Restaurant in the World."

On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said "The Best Restaurant on
this Block."


A Wooden Leg
My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him, "What was the name of his other leg?"


Doctor, it hurts!
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts.When I touch my knee - OUCH!
When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you. You've broken your finger!"


The Second Opinion
The doctor to the patient: "You are very sick."
The patient to the doctor: "Can I get a second opinion?"
The doctor again: "Yes, you are very ugly too."


Best Diet
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks, he instructs her:
The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says: "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods: "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day," she says.

"From hunger, you mean?" the doctor asks.

"No, from skipping."



Wish granted
A couple is celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary and their 60th birthdays on the same day.
During the celebration, a fairy godmother appears and says that because they've been such a loving couple all those
years, she will give them one wish each.
The wife says she wants to travel around the world. The fairy waves her wand, and boom! The woman has a wad of
tickets in her hand.
Next, it is the husband's turn. He pauses for a moment, then says shyly: "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years
younger than me."
The fairy picks up her wand, and boom! He's 90.


Car or Haircut
A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and enquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His
father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get
your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks
they went in to the study, where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You've brought your grades up, and I've
observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But, I'm real
disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in
my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's
even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair also."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"


Senior Citizen
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't
ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, ' I bet any minute now some senior citizen is going to
walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked to the window, had a
peek, and in a soft voice asked

"What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assh*les."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."


I Guess It Works
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor
suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At
the first house a woman complained,

"I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount
you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so
quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed
a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Hmmm," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just
didn't have the energy she once did.

"I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much extra work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should
cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?

"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the
preacher under the bed."


Getting a divorce
An elderly man in Boston calls his son in Los Angeles and says: "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that
your mother and I are divorcing; 45 years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says: "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of
talking about this, so you call your sister in St. Louis and tell her!" and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts: "I'll take
care of this."
She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man: "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing
until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU
HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. OK," he says: "They're coming home for the holidays and
they're paying their own airfares!"


May Joe R.I.P.
Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.
"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another
$500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"
"Two and a half carats."


Gone Fishing
Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the
rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and again on
the third. Finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says: "Do you realize that this one
lousy fish we caught cost us $1,500?"
The other guy says: "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"


Organic
My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any.

So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed
with any poisonous chemicals?"

"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."


Coma
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for
several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you
were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we
lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she asks gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."


The Umbrella
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never
misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead
of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went,
'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."


Operating Room
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and
when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

Jerk?
A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.

Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!

Money Talks!
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where
I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd
appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the
young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her
every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear
eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another
woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward
the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better
offer."

25th Wedding Anniversary
A couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. When they were asked what their
secret was to a long lasting marriage they said:
"We take the time to go out to a restaurant two times a week. A candlelight dinner, soft
music and a slow walk home. She goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays."

Father: I Have Seen You Love Your Mum More Than Me. Do You Love Me Or Your Mum More?
Son: I Love Both Of You Equally Much.
Father: What If I Go America And Your Mum Goes To Paris, Where Will You Go?
Son: Paris Of Course, It Is Much Beautiful There.
Father: Then What If I Go Paris And Your Mum Goes America, Where Will You Go?
Son: America!
Father: So You're Bent On Following Your Mum?
Son: No, It's Because I Already Went To Paris!

teacher asks john : john, quickly tell me four names of wild animals .
john replies : one lion and three tigers .

Marriage is a relationship in which one is right, and the other is the husband.

Girls are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their
birthday.. :P

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby
I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to
a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell
him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account.

1912: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood.
2012: He died of thirst.

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the
church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and
distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to
sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and
Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious
doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was
embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage
Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to
meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, 'Well, Jack, how
did you make out selling our bibles last week?' Proudly handing the reverend an
envelope, Jack replied, 'Using my sales skills, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I
collected on behalf of the church.'

'Fine job, Jack!' The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. 'You are indeed a fine salesman and
the Church is indebted to you.'

Turning to Paul, 'And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a professional salesman. I sold 28
bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected.'

The minister responded, 'That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and
the church is indebted to you.'

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, 'And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles
last week?' Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted
the contents. 'What is this?' the minister exclaimed. 'Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting
that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?' Louie just nodded.

That's impossible!' both Jack and Paul said in unison. 'We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to
have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could.'

'Yes, this does seem unlikely,' the minister! agreed. 'I think you'd better explain how you managed to
accomplish this, Louie.'

Louie shrugged. 'I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,' he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. 'For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when
they answered the door!'

'A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,' Louis replied, 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-
buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-
like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??'

The Future
A teacher asked one of the boys in her class, "Can people predict the future with cards?" His response
is, "My mother can."
The teacher replies in disbelief, "Really?"
The young boy iss quick to explain, "Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will
happen when my father gets home."