Fiction

Yesterday
by Haruki Murakami June 9, 2014
Photograph by Michael Marcelle.
As far as I know, the only person ever to put Japanese lyrics to the Beatles song Yesteray! "an
to o so in the istinctive #ansai ialect, no less$ was a guy na%e #itaru. &e use to belt out
his own version when he was taking a bath.
Yesteray
Is two ays before to%orrow,
'he ay after two ays ago.
'his is how it began, as I recall, but I haven(t hear it for a long ti%e an I(% not positive that(s
how it went. )ro% start to finish, though, #itaru(s lyrics were al%ost %eaningless, nonsense that
ha nothing to o with the original wors. 'hat fa%iliar lovely, %elancholy %eloy paire with
the bree*y #ansai ialect+which you %ight call the opposite of pathos+%ae for a strange
co%bination, a bol enial of anything constructive. At least, that(s how it soune to %e. At the
ti%e, I ,ust listene an shook %y hea. I was able to laugh it off, but I also rea a kin of hien
i%port in it.
I first %et #itaru at a coffee shop near the %ain gate of -asea .niversity, where we worke
part ti%e, I in the kitchen an #itaru as a waiter. -e use to talk a lot uring ownti%e at the
shop. -e were both twenty, our birthays only a week apart.
#itaru is an unusual last na%e,! I sai one ay.
Yeah, for sure,! #itaru replie in his heavy #ansai accent.
'he /otte baseball tea% ha a pitcher with the sa%e na%e.!
'he two of us aren(t relate. 0ot so co%%on a na%e, though, so who knows1 Maybe there(s a
connection so%ewhere.!
I was a sopho%ore at -asea then, in the literature epart%ent. #itaru ha faile the entrance
e2a% an was attening a prep course to cra% for the retake. &e( faile the e2a% twice,
actually, but you wouln(t have guesse it by the way he acte. &e in(t see% to put %uch
effort into stuying. -hen he was free, he rea a lot, but nothing relate to the e2a%+a
biography of Ji%i &enri2, books of shogi proble%s, -here 3i the .niverse 4o%e )ro%1,!
an the like. &e tol %e that he co%%ute to the cra% school fro% his parents( place in 5ta
-ar, in 'okyo.
5ta -ar1! I aske, astonishe. But I was sure you were fro% #ansai.!
0o way. 3enenchofu, born an bre.!
'his really threw %e.
'hen how co%e you speak #ansai ialect1! I aske.
I ac6uire it. Just %ae up %y %in to learn it.!
Acquired it1!
Yeah, I stuie har, see1 7erbs, nouns, accent+the whole nine yars. 8a%e as stuying
9nglish or )rench. -ent to #ansai for training, even.!
8o there were people who stuie #ansai ialect as if it were a foreign language1 'hat was news
to %e. It %ae %e reali*e all over again how huge 'okyo was, an how %any things there were
that I in(t know. :e%ine %e of the novel 8anshiro,! a typical country;boy;bu%bles;his;
way;aroun;the;big;city story.
As a ki, I was a huge &anshin 'igers fan,! #itaru e2plaine. -ent to their ga%es whenever
they playe in 'okyo. But if I sat in the &anshin bleachers an spoke with a 'okyo ialect
noboy wante to have anything to o with %e. 4ouln(t be part of the co%%unity, y(know1 8o
I figure, I gotta learn #ansai ialect, an I worke like a og to o ,ust that.!
'hat was your %otivation1! I coul harly believe it.
:ight. 'hat(s how %uch the 'igers %ean to %e,! #itaru sai. 0ow #ansai ialect(s all I speak
+at school, at ho%e, even when I talk in %y sleep. My ialect(s near perfect, on(t you think1!
Absolutely. I was positive you were fro% #ansai,! I sai.
If I( put as %uch effort into stuying for the entrance e2a%s as I i into stuying #ansai
ialect, I wouln(t be a two;ti%e loser like I a% now.!
&e ha a point. 9ven his self;irecte putown was kin of #ansai;like.
8o where(re you fro%1! he aske.
#ansai. 0ear #obe,! I sai.
0ear #obe1 -here1!
Ashiya,! I replie.
-ow, nice place. -hy in(t you say so fro% the start1!
I e2plaine. -hen people aske %e where I was fro% an I sai Ashiya, they always assu%e
that %y fa%ily was wealthy. But there were all types in Ashiya. My fa%ily, for one, wasn(t
particularly well off. My a worke for a phar%aceutical co%pany an %y %o% was a
librarian. 5ur house was s%all an our car a crea%;colore 4orolla. 8o when people aske %e
where I was fro% I always sai near #obe,! so they in(t get any preconceive ieas about %e.
Man, souns like you an %e are the sa%e,! #itaru sai. My aress is 3enenchofu+a pretty
high;class place+but %y house is in the shabbiest part of town. 8habby house as well. You
shoul co%e over so%eti%e. You(ll be, like, Wha1 This is Denenchofu1 No way! But worrying
about so%ething like that %akes no sense, yeah1 It(s ,ust an aress. I o the opposite+hit (e%
right up front with the fact that I(% fro% Den-en-cho-fu. /ike, how (you like that, huh1!
I was i%presse. An after this we beca%e friens.
.ntil I grauate fro% high school, I spoke nothing but #ansai ialect. But all it took was a
%onth in 'okyo for %e to beco%e co%pletely fluent in 'okyo stanar. I was kin of surprise
that I coul aapt so 6uickly. Maybe I have a cha%eleon type of personality. 5r %aybe %y sense
of language is %ore avance than %ost people(s. 9ither way, no one believe now that I was
actually fro% #ansai.
Another reason I stoppe using #ansai ialect was that I wante to beco%e a totally ifferent
person.
-hen I %ove fro% #ansai to 'okyo to start college, I spent the whole bullet;train rie %entally
reviewing %y eighteen years an reali*e that al%ost everything that ha happene to %e was
pretty e%barrassing. I(% not e2aggerating. I in(t want to re%e%ber any of it+it was so
pathetic. 'he %ore I thought about %y life up to then, the %ore I hate %yself. It wasn(t that I
in(t have a few goo %e%ories+I i. A hanful of happy e2periences. But, if you ae
the% up, the sha%eful, painful %e%ories far outnu%bere the others. -hen I thought of how I(
been living, how I( been approaching life, it was all so trite, so %iserably pointless.
.ni%aginative %ile;class rubbish, an I wante to gather it all up an stuff it away in so%e
rawer. 5r else light it on fire an watch it go up in s%oke "though what kin of s%oke it woul
e%it I ha no iea$. Anyway, I wante to get ri of it all an start a new life in 'okyo as a bran;
new person. Jettisoning #ansai ialect was a practical "as well as sy%bolic$ %etho of
acco%plishing this. Because, in the final analysis, the language we speak constitutes who we are
as people. At least that(s the way it see%e to %e at eighteen.
9%barrassing1 -hat was so e%barrassing1! #itaru aske %e.
You na%e it.!
3in(t get along with your folks1!
-e get along 5.#.,! I sai. But it was still e%barrassing. Just being with the% %ae %e feel
e%barrasse.!
You(re weir, y(know that1! #itaru sai. -hat(s so e%barrassing about being with your folks1
I have a goo ti%e with %ine.!
I couln(t really e2plain it. -hat(s so ba about having a crea%;colore 4orolla1 I couln(t say.
My parents weren(t intereste in spening %oney for the sake of appearances, that(s all.
My parents are on %y case all the ti%e (cause I on(t stuy enough. I hate it, but whaaya
gonna o1 'hat(s their ,ob. You gotta look past that, y(know1!
You(re pretty easygoing, aren(t you1! I sai.
You got a girl1! #itaru aske.
0ot right now.!
But you ha one before1!
.ntil a little while ago.!
You guys broke up1!
'hat(s right,! I sai.
-hy( you break up1!
It(s a long story. I on(t want to get into it.!
8he let you go all the way1!
I shook %y hea. 0o, not all the way.!
'hat(s why you broke up1!
I thought about it. 'hat(s part of it.!
But she let you get to thir base1!
:ouning thir base.!
&ow far( you go, e2actly1!
I on(t want to talk about it,! I sai.
Is that one of those embarrassing things you %entione1!
Yeah,! I sai.
Man, co%plicate life you got there,! #itaru sai.
'he first ti%e I hear #itaru sing Yesteray! with those cra*y lyrics he was in the bath at his
house in 3enenchofu "which, espite his escription, was not a shabby house in a shabby
neighborhoo but an orinary house in an orinary neighborhoo, an oler house, but bigger
than %y house in Ashiya, not a stanout in any way+an, incientally, the car in the riveway
was a navy;blue <olf, a recent %oel$. -henever #itaru ca%e ho%e, he i%%eiately roppe
everything an ,u%pe in the bath. An, once he was in the tub, he staye there forever. 8o I
woul often lug a little roun stool to the a,acent changing roo% an sit there, talking to hi%
through the sliing oor that was open an inch or so. 'hat was the only way to avoi listening to
his %other rone on an on "%ostly co%plaints about her weir son an how he neee to stuy
%ore$.
'hose lyrics on(t %ake any sense,! I tol hi%. It ,ust souns like you(re %aking fun of the
song =Yesteray.( !
3on(t be a s%art;ass. I(% not %aking fun of it. 9ven if I was, you gotta re%e%ber that John
love nonsense an wor ga%es. :ight1!
But Paul(s the one who wrote the wors an %usic for =Yesteray.( !
You sure about that1!
Absolutely,! I eclare. Paul wrote the song an recore it by hi%self in the stuio with a
guitar. A string 6uartet was ae later, but the other Beatles weren(t involve at all. 'hey
thought it was too wi%py for a Beatles song.!
:eally1 I(% not up on that kin of privilege infor%ation.!
It(s not privilege infor%ation. It(s a well;known fact,! I sai.
-ho cares1 'hose are ,ust etails,! #itaru(s voice sai cal%ly fro% a clou of stea%. I(%
singing in the bath in %y own house. 0ot putting out a recor or anything. I(% not violating any
copyright, or bothering a soul. You(ve got no right to co%plain.!
An he launche into the chorus, his voice carrying lou an clear. &e hit the high notes
especially well. I coul hear hi% lightly splashing the bathwater as an acco%pani%ent. I
probably shoul have sung along to encourage hi%, but I ,ust couln(t bring %yself to. 8itting
there, talking through a glass oor to keep hi% co%pany while he soake in the tub for an hour
wasn(t all that %uch fun.
But how can you spen so long soaking in the bath1! I aske. 3oesn(t your boy get all
swollen1!
-hen I soak in a bath for a long ti%e, all kins of goo ieas co%e to %e,! #itaru sai.
You %ean like those lyrics to =Yesteray(1!
-ell, that( be one of the%,! #itaru sai.
Instea of spening so %uch ti%e thinking up ieas in the bath, shouln(t you be stuying for
the entrance e2a%1! I aske.
Jee*, aren(t you a owner. My %o% says e2actly the sa%e thing. Aren(t you a little young to be,
like, the voice of wiso% or so%ething1!
But you(ve been cra%%ing for two years. Aren(t you getting tire of it1!
)or sure. 5f course I wanna be in college as soon as I can.!
'hen why not stuy harer1!
Yeah+well,! he sai, rawing the wors out. If I coul o that, I( be oing it alreay.!
4ollege is a rag,! I sai. I was totally isappointe once I got in. But not getting in woul be
even %ore of a rag.!
)air enough,! #itaru sai. I got no co%eback for that.!
8o why on(t you stuy1!
/ack of %otivation,! he sai.
Motivation1! I sai. 8houln(t being able to go out on ates with your girlfrien be goo
%otivation1!
'here was a girl #itaru ha known since they were in ele%entary school together. A chilhoo
girlfrien, you coul say. 'hey( been in the sa%e grae in school, but unlike hi% she ha got
into 8ophia .niversity straight out of high school. 8he was now %a,oring in )rench literature
an ha ,oine the tennis club. &e( shown %e a photograph of her, an she was stunning. A
beautiful figure an a lively e2pression. But the two of the% weren(t seeing each other %uch
these ays. 'hey( talke it over an ecie that it was better not to ate until #itaru ha passe
the entrance e2a%s, so that he coul focus on his stuies. #itaru ha been the one who suggeste
this. 5.#.,! she( sai, if that(s what you want.! 'hey talke on the phone a lot but %et at %ost
once a week, an those %eetings were %ore like interviews than regular ates. 'hey( have tea
an catch up on what they( each been oing. 'hey( hol hans an e2change a brief kiss, but
that was as far as it went.
#itaru wasn(t what you( call hanso%e, but he was pleasant;looking enough. &e was sli%, an
his hair an clothes were si%ple an stylish. As long as he in(t say anything, you( assu%e he
was a sensitive, well;brought;up city boy. &is only possible efect was that his face, a bit too
slener an elicate, coul give the i%pression that he was lacking in personality or was wishy;
washy. But the %o%ent he opene his %outh this over;all positive effect collapse like a
sancastle uner an e2uberant /abraor retriever. People were is%aye by his #ansai ialect,
which he elivere, as if that weren(t enough, in a slightly piercing, high;pitche voice. 'he
%is%atch with his looks was overwhel%ing> even for %e it was, at first, a little too %uch to
hanle.
&ey, 'ani%ura, aren(t you lonely without a girlfrien1! #itaru aske %e the ne2t ay.
I on(t eny it,! I tol hi%.
'hen how about you go out with my girl1!
I couln(t unerstan what he %eant. -hat o you %ean+go out with her1!
8he(s a great girl. Pretty, honest, s%art like all getout. You go out with her, you won(t regret it. I
guarantee it.!
I(% sure I wouln(t,! I sai. But why woul I go out with your girlfrien1 It oesn(t %ake
sense.!
(4ause you(re a goo guy,! #itaru sai. 5therwise I wouln(t suggest it. 9rika an I have
spent al%ost our whole lives together so far. -e sort of naturally beca%e a couple, an
everyboy aroun us approve. 5ur friens, our parents, our teachers. A tight little couple,
always together.!
#itaru claspe his hans to illustrate.
If we( both gone straight into college, our lives woul(ve been all war% an fu**y, but I blew
the entrance e2a% big ti%e, an here we are. I(% not sure why, e2actly, but things kept on getting
worse. I(% not bla%ing anyone for that+it(s all %y fault.!
I listene to hi% in silence.
8o I kina split %yself in two,! #itaru sai. &e pulle his hans apart.
&ow so1! I aske.
&e stare at his pal%s for a %o%ent an then spoke. -hat I %ean is part of %e(s, like, worrie,
y(know1 I %ean, I(% going to so%e fricking cra% school, stuying for the fricking entrance
e2a%s, while 9rika(s having a ball in college. Playing tennis, oing whatever. 8he(s got new
friens, is probably ating so%e new guy, for all I know. -hen I think of all that, I feel left
behin. /ike %y %in(s in a fog. You know what I %ean1!
I guess so,! I sai.
But another part of %e is, like+relieve1 If we( ,ust kept going like we were, with no
proble%s or anything, a nice couple s%oothly sailing through life, it(s like . . . we grauate fro%
college, get %arrie, we(re this wonerful %arrie couple everyboy(s happy about, we have the
typical two kis, put (e% in the goo ol 3enenchofu ele%entary school, go out to the 'a%a
:iver banks on 8unays, 5b;la;i, 5b;la;a . . . I(% not saying that kina life(s ba. But I
woner, y(know, if life shoul really be that easy, that co%fortable. It %ight be better to go our
separate ways for a while, an if we fin out that we really can(t get along without each other,
then we get back together.!
8o you(re saying that things being s%ooth an co%fortable is a proble%. Is that it1!
Yeah, that(s about the si*e of it.!
But why o I have to go out with your girlfrien1! I aske.
I figure, if she(s gonna go out with other guys, it(s better if it(s you. (4ause I know you. An
you can gi%%e, like, upates an stuff.!
'hat in(t %ake any sense to %e, though I a%it I was intereste in the iea of %eeting 9rika. I
also wante to fin out why a beautiful girl like her woul want to go out with a weir character
like #itaru. I(ve always been a little shy aroun new people, but I never lack curiosity.
&ow far have you gone with her1! I aske.
You %ean se21! #itaru sai.
Yeah. &ave you gone all the way1!
#itaru shook his hea. I ,ust couln(t, see1 I(ve known her since she was a ki, an it(s kina
e%barrassing, y(know, to act like we(re ,ust starting out, an take her clothes off, fonle her,
touch her, whatever. If it were so%e other girl, I on(t think I( have a proble%, but putting %y
han in her unerpants, even ,ust thinking about oing it with her+I unno+it ,ust see%s
wrong. You know1!
I in(t.
I can(t e2plain it well,! #itaru sai. /ike, when you(re ,erking off, you picture so%e actual
girl, yeah1!
I suppose,! I sai.
But I can(t picture 9rika. It(s like oing that(s wrong, y(know1 8o when I o it I think about
so%e other girl. 8o%eboy I on(t really like that %uch. -haya think1!
I thought it over but couln(t reach any conclusion. 5ther people(s %asturbation habits were
beyon %e. 'here were things about %y own that I couln(t fatho%.
Anyway, let(s all get together once, the three of us,! #itaru sai. 'hen you can think it over.!
'he three of us+%e, #itaru, an his girlfrien, whose full na%e was 9rika #uritani+%et on a
8unay afternoon in a coffee shop near 3enenchofu 8tation. 8he was al%ost as tall as #itaru,
nicely tanne, an ecke out in a neatly irone short;sleeve white blouse an navy;blue
%iniskirt. /ike the perfect %oel of a respectable uptown college girl. 8he was as attractive as in
her photograph, but what really rew %e in person was less her looks than the kin of effortless
vitality that see%e to raiate fro% her. 8he was the opposite of #itaru, who pale a bit in
co%parison.
I(% really happy that Aki;kun has a frien,! 9rika tol %e. #itaru(s first na%e was Akiyoshi.
8he was the only person in the worl who calle hi% Aki;kun.
3on(t e2aggerate. I got tons of friens,! #itaru sai.
0o, you on(t,! 9rika sai. A person like you can(t %ake friens. You were born in 'okyo, yet
all you speak is #ansai ialect, an every ti%e you open your %outh it(s one annoying thing after
another about the &anshin 'igers or shogi %oves. 'here(s no way a weir person like you can
get along well with nor%al people.!
-ell, if you(re gonna get into that, this guy(s pretty weir, too.! #itaru pointe at %e. &e(s
fro% Ashiya but only speaks 'okyo ialect.!
'hat(s %uch %ore co%%on,! 9rika sai. At least %ore co%%on than the opposite.!
&ol on, now+that(s cultural iscri%ination,! #itaru sai. 4ultures are all e6ual, y(know.
'okyo ialect(s no better than #ansai.!
Maybe they are e6ual,! 9rika sai, but since the Mei,i :estoration the way people speak in
'okyo has been the stanar for spoken Japanese. I %ean, has anyone ever translate =)ranny
an ?ooey( into #ansai ialect1!
If they i, I( buy it, for sure,! #itaru sai.
I probably woul, too, I thought, but kept 6uiet.
-isely, instea of being ragge eeper into that iscussion, 9rika #uritani change the sub,ect.
'here(s a girl in %y tennis club who(s fro% Ashiya, too,! she sai, turning to %e. 9iko 8akurai.
3o you happen to know her1!
I o,! I sai. 9iko 8akurai was a tall, gangly girl, whose parents operate a large golf course.
8tuck;up, flat;cheste, with a funny;looking nose an a none too wonerful personality. 'ennis
was the one thing she( always been goo at. If I never saw her again, it woul be too soon for
%e.
&e(s a nice guy, an he hasn(t got a girlfrien right now,! #itaru sai to 9rika. &is looks are
5.#., he has goo %anners, an he knows all kins of things. &e(s neat an clean, as you can
see, an oesn(t have any terrible iseases. A pro%ising young %an, I( say.!
All right,! 9rika sai. 'here are so%e really cute new %e%bers of our club I( be happy to
introuce hi% to.!
0ah, that(s not what I %ean,! #itaru sai. 4oul you go out with hi%1 I(% not in college yet
an I can(t go out with you the way I( like to. Instea of %e, you coul go out with him. An
then I wouln(t have to worry.!
-hat o you %ean, you wouln(t have to worry1! 9rika aske.
I %ean, like, I know both of you, an I( feel better if you went out with hi% instea of so%e
guy I(ve never lai eyes on.!
9rika stare at #itaru as if she couln(t 6uite believe what she was seeing. )inally, she spoke.
8o you(re saying it(s 5.#. for %e to go out with another guy if it(s 'ani%ura;kun here1 You(re
seriously suggesting we go out, on a ate1!
&ey, it(s not such a terrible iea, is it1 5r are you alreay going out with so%e other guy1!
0o, there(s no one else,! 9rika sai in a 6uiet voice.
'hen why not go out with him1 It can be a kina cultural e2change.!
4ultural e2change,! 9rika repeate. 8he looke at %e.
It in(t see% as though anything I sai woul help, so I kept silent. I hel %y coffee spoon in
%y han, stuying the esign on it, like a %useu% curator scrutini*ing an artifact fro% an
9gyptian to%b.
Cultural exchange1 -hat(s that suppose to %ean1! she aske #itaru.
/ike, bringing in another viewpoint %ight not be so ba for us . . .!
'hat(s your iea of cultural e2change1!
Yeah, what I %ean is . . .!
All right,! 9rika #uritani sai fir%ly. If there ha been a pencil nearby, I %ight have picke it
up an snappe it in two. If you think we shoul o it, Aki;kun, then 5.#. /et(s o a cultural
e2change.!
8he took a sip of tea, returne the cup to the saucer, turne to %e, an s%ile. 8ince Aki;kun
has reco%%ene we o this, 'ani%ura;kun, let(s go on a ate. 8ouns like fun. -hen are you
free1!
I couln(t speak. 0ot being able to fin the right wors at crucial ti%es is one of %y %any
proble%s.
9rika took a re leather planner fro% her bag, opene it, an checke her scheule. &ow is this
8aturay1! she aske.
I have no plans,! I sai.
8aturay it is, then. -here shall we go1!
&e likes %ovies,! #itaru tol her. &is rea% is to write screenplays so%eay.!
'hen let(s go see a %ovie. -hat kin of %ovie shoul we see1 I(ll let you ecie that,
'ani%ura;kun. I on(t like horror fil%s, but, other than that, anything(s fine.!
8he(s really a scarey;cat,! #itaru sai to %e. -hen we were kis an went to the haunte
house at #orakuen, she ha to hol %y han an+!
After the %ovie let(s have a nice %eal together,! 9rika sai, cutting hi% off. 8he wrote her
phone nu%ber own on a sheet fro% her notebook an passe it to %e. -hen you ecie the
ti%e an place, coul you give %e a call1!
I in(t have a phone back then "this was long before cell phones were even a gli%%er on the
hori*on$, so I gave her the nu%ber for the coffee shop where #itaru an I worke. I glance at
%y watch.
I(% sorry but I(ve got to get going,! I sai, as cheerfully as I coul %anage. I have this report I
have to finish up by to%orrow.!
4an(t it wait1! #itaru sai. -e only ,ust got here. -hy on(t you stay so we can talk so%e
%ore1 'here(s a great noole shop right aroun the corner.!
9rika in(t e2press an opinion. I put the %oney for %y coffee on the table an stoo up. It(s an
i%portant report,! I e2plaine, so I really can(t put it off.! Actually, it in(t %atter all that
%uch.
I(ll call you to%orrow or the ay after,! I tol 9rika.
I(ll be looking forwar to it,! she sai, a wonerful s%ile rising to her lips. A s%ile that, to %e
at least, see%e a little too goo to be true.
I left the coffee shop an as I walke to the station I wonere what the hell I was oing.
Brooing over how things ha turne out+after everything ha alreay been ecie+was
another of %y chronic proble%s.
'hat 8aturay, 9rika an I %et in 8hibuya an saw a -ooy Allen fil% set in 0ew York.
8o%ehow I( got the sense that she %ight be fon of -ooy Allen %ovies. An I was pretty sure
that #itaru ha never taken her to see one. /uckily, it was a goo %ovie, an we were both
feeling cheerful when we left the theatre.
-e strolle aroun the twilight streets for a while, then went to a s%all Italian place in
8akuragaoka an ha pi**a an 4hianti. It was a casual, %oerately price restaurant. 8ubue
lighting, canles on the tables. "Most Italian restaurants at the ti%e ha canles on the tables an
checke gingha% tablecloths.$ -e talke about all kins of things, the sort of conversation you(
e2pect two college sopho%ores on a first ate to have "assu%ing you coul actually call this a
ate$. 'he %ovie we( ,ust seen, our college life, hobbies. -e en,oye talking %ore than I(
e2pecte, an she even laughe out lou a couple of ti%es. I on(t want to soun like I(%
bragging, but I see% to have a knack for getting girls to laugh.
I hear fro% Aki;kun that you broke up with your high;school girlfrien not long ago1! 9rika
aske %e.
Yeah,! I replie. -e went out for al%ost three years, but it in(t work out. .nfortunately.!
Aki;kun sai things in(t work out with her because of se2. 'hat she in(t+how shoul I put
it1+give you what you wante1!
'hat was part of it. But not all. If I( really love her, I think I coul have been patient. If I(
been sure that I love her, I %ean. But I wasn(t.!
9rika noe.
9ven if we( gone all the way, things %ost likely woul have ene up the sa%e,! I sai. I
think it was inevitable.!
Is it har on you1! she aske.
Is what har1!
8uenly being on your own after being a couple.!
8o%eti%es,! I sai honestly.
But %aybe going through that kin of tough, lonely e2perience is necessary when you(re
young1 Part of the process of growing up1!
You think so1!
'he way surviving har winters %akes a tree grow stronger, the growth rings insie it tighter.!
I trie to i%agine growth rings insie %e. But the only thing I coul picture was a leftover slice
of aum!uchen cake, the kin with treelike rings insie it.
I agree that people nee that sort of perio in their lives,! I sai. It(s even better if they know
that it(ll en so%eay.!
8he s%ile. 3on(t worry. I know you(ll %eet so%eboy nice soon.!
I hope so,! I sai.
9rika %ulle over so%ething while I helpe %yself to the pi**a.
'ani%ura;kun, I wante to ask your avice on so%ething. Is it 5.#.1!
8ure,! I sai. 'his was another proble% I often ha to eal with@ people I( ,ust %et wanting %y
avice about so%ething i%portant. An I was pretty sure that what 9rika wante %y avice
about wasn(t very pleasant.
I(% confuse,! she began.
&er eyes shifte back an forth, like those of a cat in search of so%ething.
I(% sure you know this alreay, but though Aki;kun(s in his secon year of cra%%ing for the
entrance e2a%s, he barely stuies. &e skips e2a%;prep school a lot, too. 8o I(% sure he(ll fail
again ne2t year. If he ai%e for a lower;tier school, he coul get in so%ewhere, but he has his
heart set on -asea. &e oesn(t listen to %e, or to his parents. It(s beco%e like an obsession for
hi%. . . . But if he really feels that way he shoul stuy har so that he can pass the -asea
e2a%, an he oesn(t.!
-hy oesn(t he stuy %ore1!
&e truly believes that he(ll pass the entrance e2a% if luck is on his sie,! 9rika sai. 'hat
stuying is a waste of ti%e.! 8he sighe an went on, In ele%entary school he was always at the
top of his class acae%ically. But once he got to ,unior high his graes starte to slie. &e was a
bit of a chil proigy+his personality ,ust isn(t suite to the aily grin of stuying. &e( rather
go off an o cra*y things on his own. I(% the e2act opposite. I(% not all that bright, but I always
buckle own an get the ,ob one.!
I han(t stuie very har %yself an ha got into college on the first try. Maybe luck ha been
on %y sie.
I(% very fon of Aki;kun,! she continue. &e(s got a lot of wonerful 6ualities. But so%eti%es
it(s har for %e to go along with his e2tre%e way of thinking. 'ake this thing with #ansai
ialect. -hy oes so%eboy who was born an raise in 'okyo go to the trouble of learning
#ansai ialect an speak it all the ti%e1 I on(t get it, I really on(t. At first I thought it was a
,oke, but it isn(t. &e(s ea serious.!
I think he wants to have a ifferent personality, to be so%eboy ifferent fro% who he(s been up
till now,! I sai.
'hat(s why he only speaks #ansai ialect1!
I agree with you that it(s a raical way of ealing with it.!
9rika picke up a slice of pi**a an bit off a piece the si*e of a large postage sta%p. 8he chewe
it thoughtfully before she spoke.
'ani%ura;kun, I(% asking this because I on(t have anyone else to ask. You on(t %in1!
5f course not,! I sai. -hat else coul I say1
As a general rule,! she sai, when a guy an a girl go out for a long ti%e an get to know each
other really well, the guy has a physical interest in the girl, right1!
As a general rule, I( say so, yes.!
If they kiss, he(ll want to go further1!
0or%ally, sure.!
You feel that way, too1!
5f course,! I sai.
But Aki;kun oesn(t. -hen we(re alone, he oesn(t want to go any further.!
It took a while for %e to choose the right wors. 'hat(s a personal thing,! I sai finally. People
have ifferent ways of getting what they want. #itaru likes you a lot+that(s a given+but your
relationship is so close an co%fortable he %ay not be able to take things to the ne2t level, the
way %ost people o.!
You really think so1!
I shook %y hea. 'o tell the truth, I on(t really unerstan it. I(ve never e2perience it %yself.
I(% ,ust saying that coul be one possibility.!
8o%eti%es it feels like he oesn(t have any se2ual esire for %e.!
I(% sure he oes. But it %ight be a little e%barrassing for hi% to a%it it.!
But we(re twenty, aults alreay. 5l enough not to be e%barrasse.!
8o%e people %ight %ature a little faster than others,! I sai.
9rika thought about this. 8he see%e to be the type who always tackles things hea on.
I think #itaru is honestly seeking so%ething,! I went on. In his own way, at his own pace. It(s
,ust that I on(t think he(s graspe yet what it is. 'hat(s why he can(t %ake any progress. If you
on(t know what you(re looking for, it(s not easy to look for it.!
9rika raise her hea an stare %e right in the eye. 'he canle fla%e was reflecte in her ark
eyes, a s%all, brilliant point of light. It was so beautiful I ha to look away.
5f course, you know hi% %uch better than I o,! I averre.
8he sighe again.
Actually, I(% seeing another guy besies Aki;kun,! she sai. A boy in %y tennis club who(s a
year ahea of %e.!
It was %y turn to re%ain silent.
I truly love Aki;kun, an I on(t think I coul ever feel the sa%e way about anyboy else.
-henever I(% away fro% hi% I get this terrible ache in %y chest, always in the sa%e spot. It(s
true. 'here(s a place in %y heart reserve ,ust for hi%. But at the sa%e ti%e I have this strong
urge insie %e to try so%ething else, to co%e into contact with all kins of people. 4all it
curiosity, a thirst to know %ore. It(s a natural e%otion an I can(t suppress it, no %atter how
%uch I try.!
I picture a healthy plant outgrowing the pot it ha been plante in.
-hen I say I(% confuse, that(s what I %ean,! 9rika sai.
'hen you shoul tell #itaru e2actly how you feel,! I sai. If you hie it fro% hi% that you(re
seeing so%eone else, an he happens to fin out anyway, it(ll hurt hi%. You on(t want that.!
But can he accept that1 'he fact that I(% going out with so%eone else1!
I i%agine he(ll unerstan how you feel,! I sai.
You think so1!
I o,! I sai.
I figure that #itaru woul unerstan her confusion, because he was feeling the sa%e thing. In
that sense, they really were on the sa%e wavelength. 8till, I wasn(t entirely confient that he
woul cal%ly accept what she was actually oing "or might be oing$. &e in(t see% that strong
a person to %e. But it woul be even harer for hi% if she kept a secret fro% hi% or lie to hi%.
9rika stare at the canle fla%e flickering in the bree*e fro% the A.4. I often have the sa%e
rea%,! she sai. Aki;kun an I are on a ship. A long ,ourney on a large ship. -e(re together in
a s%all cabin, it(s late at night, an through the porthole we can see the full %oon. But that %oon
is %ae of pure, transparent ice. An the botto% half of it is sunk in the sea. ='hat looks like the
%oon,( Aki;kun tells %e, =but it(s really %ae of ice an is only about eight inches thick. 8o
when the sun co%es out in the %orning it all %elts. You shoul get a goo look at it now, while
you have the chance.( I(ve ha this rea% so %any ti%es. It(s a beautiful rea%. Always the sa%e
%oon. Always eight inches thick. I(% leaning against Aki;kun, it(s ,ust the two of us, the waves
lapping gently outsie. But every ti%e I wake up I feel unbearably sa.!
9rika #uritani was silent for a ti%e. 'hen she spoke again. I think how wonerful it woul be if
Aki;kun an I coul continue on that voyage forever. 9very night we( snuggle close an ga*e
out the porthole at that %oon %ae of ice. 4o%e %orning the %oon woul %elt away, an at
night it woul reappear. But %aybe that(s not the case. Maybe one night the %oon wouln(t be
there. It scares %e to think that. I get so frightene it(s like I can actually feel %y boy
shrinking.!
-hen I saw #itaru at the coffee shop the ne2t ay, he aske %e how the ate ha gone.
You kiss her1!
0o way,! I sai.
3on(t worry+I(% not gonna freak if you i,! he sai.
I in(t o anything like that.!
3in(t hol her han1!
0o, I in(t hol her han.!
8o what( you o1!
-e went to see a %ovie, took a walk, ha inner, an talke,! I sai.
'hat(s it1!
.sually you on(t try to %ove too fast on a first ate.!
:eally1! #itaru sai. I never been out on a regular ate, so I on(t know.!
But I en,oye being with her. If she were %y girlfrien, I( never let her out of %y sight.!
#itaru consiere this. &e was about to say so%ething but thought better of it. 8o what( you
eat1! he aske finally.
I tol hi% about the pi**a an the 4hianti.
Pi**a an 4hianti1! &e soune surprise. I never knew she like pi**a. -e(ve only been to,
like, noole shops an cheap iners. -ine1 I in(t even know she coul rink.!
#itaru never touche li6uor hi%self.
'here are probably 6uite a few things you on(t know about her,! I sai.
I answere all his 6uestions about the ate. About the -ooy Allen fil% "at his insistence I
reviewe the whole plot$, the %eal "how %uch the bill ca%e to, whether we split it or not$, what
she ha on "white cotton ress, hair pinne up$, what kin of unerwear she wore "how woul I
know that1$, what we talke about. I sai nothing about her going out with another guy. 0or i I
%ention her rea%s of an icy %oon.
You guys ecie when you(ll have a secon ate1!
0o, we in(t,! I sai.
-hy not1 You like her, in(t you1!
8he(s great. But we can(t go on like this. I %ean, she(s your girlfrien, right1 You say it(s 5.#.
to kiss her, but there(s no way I can o that.!
More ponering by #itaru. Y(know so%ething1! he sai finally. I(ve been seeing a therapist
since the en of ,unior high. My parents an teachers, they all sai to go to one. (4ause I use to
o things at school fro% ti%e to ti%e. Y(know+not normal kina things. But going to a
therapist hasn(t helpe, far as I can see. It souns goo in theory, but therapists on(t give a crap.
'hey look at you like they know what(s going on, then %ake you talk on an on an ,ust listen.
Man, " coul o that.!
You(re still seeing a therapist1!
Yeah. 'wice a %onth. /ike throwing your %oney away, if you ask %e. 9rika in(t tell you
about it1!
I shook %y hea.
'ell you the truth, I on(t know what(s so weir about %y way of thinking. 'o %e, it see%s like
I(% ,ust oing orinary things in an orinary way. But people tell %e that al%ost everything I o
is weir.!
-ell, there are so%e things about you that are efinitely not nor%al,! I sai.
/ike what1!
/ike your #ansai ialect.!
You coul be right,! #itaru a%itte. 'hat is a little out of the orinary.!
0or%al people wouln(t take things that far.!
Yeah, you(re probably right.!
But, as far as I can tell, even if what you o isn(t nor%al, it(s not bothering anyboy.!
0ot right now.!
8o what(s wrong with that1! I sai. I %ight have been a little upset then "at what or who% I
couln(t say$. I coul feel %y tone getting rough aroun the eges. If you(re not bothering
anyboy, then so what1 You want to speak #ansai ialect, then you should. <o for it. You on(t
want to stuy for the entrance e2a%1 'hen on(t. 3on(t feel like sticking your han insie 9rika
#uritani(s panties1 -ho(s saying you have to1 It(s your life. You shoul o what you want an
forget about what other people think.!
#itaru, %outh slightly open, stare at %e in a%a*e%ent. You know so%ething, 'ani%ura1
You(re a goo guy. 'hough so%eti%es a little too nor%al, y(know1!
-hat(re you gonna o1! I sai. You can(t ,ust change your personality.!
92actly. You can(t change your personality. 'hat(s what I(% tryin( to say.!
But 9rika is a great girl,! I sai. 8he really cares about you. -hatever you o, on(t let her go.
You(ll never fin such a great girl again.!
I know. You on(t gotta tell %e,! #itaru sai. But ,ust knowing isn(t gonna help.!
About two weeks later, #itaru 6uit working at the coffee shop. I say 6uit, but he ,ust suenly
stoppe showing up. &e in(t get in touch, in(t %ention anything about taking ti%e off. An
this was uring our busiest season, so the owner was pretty pisse. #itaru was owe a week(s
pay, but he in(t co%e to pick it up. &e si%ply vanishe. I have to say it hurt %e. I( thought we
were goo friens, an it was tough to be cut off so co%pletely like that. I in(t have any other
friens in 'okyo.
'he last two ays before he isappeare, #itaru was unusually 6uiet. &e wouln(t say %uch
when I talke to hi%. An then he went an vanishe. I coul have calle 9rika #uritani to check
on his whereabouts, but so%ehow I couln(t bring %yself to. I figure that what went on
between the two of the% was their business, an that it wasn(t a healthy thing for %e to get any
%ore involve than I was. 8o%ehow I ha to get by in the narrow little worl I belonge to.
After all this happene, for so%e reason I kept thinking about %y e2;girlfrien. Probably I( felt
so%ething, seeing #itaru an 9rika together. I wrote her a long letter apologi*ing for how I(
behave. I coul have been a whole lot kiner to her. But I never got a reply.
I recogni*e 9rika #uritani right away. I( only seen her twice, an si2teen years ha passe
since then. But there was no %istaking her. 8he was still lovely, with the sa%e lively, ani%ate
e2pression. 8he was wearing a black lace ress, with black high heels an two strans of pearls
aroun her sli% neck. 8he re%e%bere %e right away, too. -e were at a wine;tasting party at a
hotel in Akasaka. It was a black;tie event, an I ha put on a ark suit an tie for the occasion.
8he was a rep for the avertising fir% that was sponsoring the event, an was clearly oing a
great ,ob of hanling it. It( take too long to get into the reasons that I was there.
'ani%ura;kun, how co%e you never got in touch with %e after that night we went out1! she
aske. I was hoping we coul talk so%e %ore.!
You were a little too beautiful for %e,! I sai.
8he s%ile. 'hat(s nice to hear, even if you(re ,ust flattering %e.!
But what I( sai was neither a lie nor flattery. 8he was too gorgeous for %e to be seriously
intereste in her. Back then, an even now.
I calle that coffee shop you use to work at, but they sai you in(t work there any%ore,! she
sai.
After #itaru left, the ,ob beca%e a total bore, an I 6uit two weeks later.
9rika an I briefly reviewe the lives we( le over the past si2teen years. After college, I was
hire by a s%all publisher, but 6uit after three years an ha been a writer ever since. I got
%arrie at twenty;seven but in(t have any chilren yet. 9rika was still single. 'hey rive %e
so har at work,! she ,oke, that I have no ti%e to get %arrie.! 8he was the first one to bring
up the topic of #itaru.
Aki;kun is working as a sushi chef in 3enver now,! she sai.
3enver1!
3enver, 4olorao. At least, accoring to the postcar he sent %e a couple of %onths ago.!
-hy 3enver1!
I on(t know,! 9rika sai. 'he postcar before that was fro% 8eattle. &e was a sushi chef
there, too. 'hat was about a year ago. &e sens %e postcars sporaically. Always so%e silly
car with ,ust a couple of lines ashe off. 8o%eti%es he oesn(t even write his return aress.!
A sushi chef,! I %use. 8o he never i go to college1!
8he shook her hea. At the en of that su%%er, I think it was, he suenly announce that he(
ha it with stuying for the entrance e2a%s an he went off to a cooking school in 5saka. 8ai
he really wante to learn #ansai cuisine an go to ga%es at #oshien 8taiu%, the &anshin
'igers( staiu%. 5f course, I aske hi%, =&ow can you ecie so%ething so i%portant without
even asking %e1 -hat about %e1( !
An what i he say to that1!
8he in(t respon. 8he ,ust hel her lips tight, as if she( break into tears if she trie to speak. I
6uickly change the sub,ect.
-hen we went to that Italian restaurant in 8hibuya, I re%e%ber we ha cheap 4hianti. 0ow
look at us, tasting pre%iu% 0apa wines. #in of a strange twist of fate.!
I re%e%ber,! she sai, pulling herself together. -e saw a -ooy Allen %ovie. -hich one was
it again1!
I tol her.
'hat was a great %ovie.!
I agree. It was efinitely one of -ooy Allen(s %asterpieces.
3i things work out with that guy in your tennis club you were seeing1! I aske.
8he shook her hea. 0o. -e ,ust in(t connect the way I thought we woul. -e went out for
si2 %onths an then broke up.!
4an I ask a 6uestion1! I sai. It(s very personal, though.!
5f course.!
I on(t want you to be offene.!
I(ll o %y best.!
You slept with that guy, right1!
9rika looke at %e in surprise, her cheeks reening.
-hy are you bringing that up now1!
<oo 6uestion,! I sai. It(s ,ust been on %y %in for a long ti%e. But that was a weir thing to
ask. I(% sorry.!
9rika shook her hea slightly. 0o, it(s 5.#. I(% not offene. I ,ust wasn(t e2pecting it. It was
all so long ago.!
I looke aroun the roo%. People in for%al wear were scattere about. 4orks poppe one after
another fro% e2pensive bottles of wine. A fe%ale pianist was playing /ike 8o%eone in /ove.!
'he answer is yes,! 9rika sai. I ha se2 with hi% a nu%ber of ti%es.!
4uriosity, a thirst to know %ore,! I sai.
8he gave a hint of a s%ile. 'hat(s right. 4uriosity, a thirst to know %ore.!
'hat(s how we evelop our growth rings.!
If you say so,! she sai.
An I(% guessing that the first ti%e you slept with hi% was soon after we ha our ate in
8hibuya1!
8he turne a page in her %ental recor book. I think so. About a week after that. I re%e%ber
that whole ti%e pretty well. It was the first ti%e for %e.!
An #itaru was pretty 6uick on the uptake,! I sai, ga*ing into her eyes.
8he looke own an fingere the pearls on her necklace one by one, as if %aking sure that they
were all still there. 8he gave a s%all sigh, perhaps re%e%bering so%ething. Yes, you(re right
about that. Aki;kun ha a very strong sense of intuition.!
But it in(t work out with the other %an.!
8he noe. .nfortunately, I(% ,ust not that s%art. I neee to take the long way aroun. I
always take a rounabout way.!
Thats what we all do# endlessly ta!e the long way around. I wante to tell her this, but kept
silent. Blurting out aphoris%s like that was another one of %y proble%s.
Is #itaru %arrie1!
As far as I know, he(s still single,! 9rika sai. At least, he hasn(t tol %e that he got %arrie.
Maybe the two of us are the type who never %ake a go of %arriage.!
5r %aybe you(re ,ust taking a rounabout way of getting there.!
Perhaps.!
3o you still rea% about the %oon %ae of ice1! I aske.
&er hea snappe up an she stare at %e. 7ery cal%ly, slowly, a s%ile sprea across her face. A
co%pletely natural, open s%ile.
You re%e%ber %y rea%1! she aske.
)or so%e reason, I o.!
9ven though it(s so%eone else(s rea%1!
3rea%s are the kin of things you can borrow an len out,! I sai.
'hat(s a wonerful iea,! she sai.
8o%eone calle her na%e fro% behin %e. It was ti%e for her to get back to work.
I on(t have that rea% any%ore,! she sai in parting. But I still re%e%ber every etail. -hat I
saw, the way I felt. I can(t forget it. I probably never will.!
-hen I(% riving an the Beatles song Yesteray! co%es on the raio, I can(t help but hear
those cra*y lyrics #itaru croone in the bath. An I regret not writing the% own. 'he lyrics
were so weir that I re%e%bere the% for a while, but graually %y %e%ory starte to fae until
finally I ha nearly forgotten the%. All I recall now are frag%ents, an I(% not even sure if these
are actually what #itaru sang. As ti%e passes, %e%ory, inevitably, reconstitutes itself.
-hen I was twenty or so, I trie several ti%es to keep a iary, but I ,ust couln(t o it. 8o %any
things were happening aroun %e back then that I coul barely keep up with the%, let alone
stan still an write the% all own in a notebook. An %ost of these things weren(t the kin that
%ae %e think, 5h, I(ve got to write this own. It was all I coul o to open %y eyes in the
strong heawin, catch %y breath, an forge ahea.
But, oly enough, I re%e%ber #itaru so well. -e were friens for ,ust a few %onths, yet every
ti%e I hear Yesteray! scenes an conversations with hi% well up in %y %in. 'he two of us
talking while he soake in the bath at his ho%e in 3enenchofu. 'alking about the &anshin
'igers( batting orer, how troubleso%e certain aspects of se2 coul be, how %in;nu%bingly
boring it was to stuy for the entrance e2a%s, how e%otionally rich #ansai ialect was. An I
re%e%ber the strange ate with 9rika #uritani. An what 9rika+over the canlelit table at the
Italian restaurant+confesse. It feels as though these things happene ,ust yesteray. Music has
that power to revive %e%ories, so%eti%es so intensely that they hurt.
But when I look back at %yself at age twenty what I re%e%ber %ost is being alone an lonely. I
ha no girlfrien to war% %y boy or %y soul, no friens I coul open up to. 0o clue what I
shoul o every ay, no vision for the future. )or the %ost part, I re%aine hien away, eep
within %yself. 8o%eti%es I( go a week without talking to anyboy. 'hat kin of life continue
for a year. A long, long year. -hether this perio was a col winter that left valuable growth
rings insie %e, I can(t really say. At the ti%e I felt as if every night I, too, were ga*ing out a
porthole at a %oon %ae of ice. A transparent, eight;inch;thick, fro*en %oon. But I watche that
%oon alone, unable to share its col beauty with anyone.
Yesteray
Is two ays before to%orrow,
'he ay after two ays ago. A
$Translated% from the &a'anese% by (hili' )abriel*+
:ea %ore@ http@BBwww.newyorker.co%BfictionBfeaturesBCDEFBDGBDHBEFDGDHfiIfictionI%uraka%i1
currentPageJall