Okay, get prepared, because this story is kind of depressing and is about dead babies I kno! Ew "ut they dont all die, and in the end everything is #ne Most$y If you %ust forget about a$$ those dead babies Or if you ca$$ the& fetuses 'a$$ing the& fetuses &akes it fee$ &ore c$inica$ and $ess sad, but I& pretty sure I get to ca$$ the& !hatever I !ant, because theyre my dead babies (nd no, I& not ca$$ing the& )babies* instead of )fetuses* for any po$itica$ reason, because I& actua$$y tota$$y prochoice and you can do !hatever you !ant !ith your body, but stop hi%acking this chapter, assho$e, because this is about &e God, you have a problem So, ho! do you !rite soðing funny about dead babies+ (ns!er, You cant. So get prepared I ALWAYS IMAGINED that !hen I got pregnant it !ou$d be a!eso&e, and everything !ou$d go perfect$y, and Id pose for a$$ those artfu$$y naked, pregnant -e&i Moores.ue pictures and put the& a$$ over &y house, and sudden$y Id have less ce$$u$ite In rea$ $ife, though, I found out I !as pregnant, pro&pt$y got so sick I cou$d hard$y &ove, and thre! up into &y o/ce garbage can a$$ day $ong It started to beco&e obvious to everyone that I !as either pregnant or dying, so 0ictor and I decided to go ahead and te$$ everyone (nd everyone !as thri$$ed, e1cept for the c$eaning $ady at &y o/ce !ho had to e&pty &y trash can I had a$!ays !anted to be a &other I didnt rea$$y $ike other peop$es babies, but I never considered that a %ob re.uire&ent, as I assu&ed that &y baby !ou$d be kick2ass, or !ou$d at $east .uick$y turn into a kid (t &y core !as a need that I cou$dnt .uite verba$i3e I !anted to be part of &y fa&i$y $egacy I !anted to give a chi$d the kind of &agica$ chi$dhood I !anted I !anted to see a s&a$$ re4ection of &yse$f and the generations before &e in a ne! face, and be reborn again too I !anted to have so&eone to beat at Scrabb$e 0ictor and I picked out na&es, bought baby s!eaters, and !ondered !hat our $ives !ou$d be $ike as parents ( fe! !eeks before the second tri&ester, 0ictor and I !ent into the doctors o/ce for an u$trasound I hadnt s$ept &uch that night, because Id had a panic attack and ended up ca$$ing &y sister at &idnight, hysterica$$y ye$$ing, )O5MYGO-, WHAT IF THE BABYS A RE!B"I#A$%* Then she hung up on &e because she en%oys being unsupportive Or &aybe she !as &ad that I ca$$ her on$y at &idnight !hen I& having panic attacks I dont rea$$y kno! 6hat I do kno!, though, !as that I !as braced to hear a$&ost anything in that e1a& roo& )Its t!ins* )Its trip$ets* )Its a 7epub$ican* )Its a s&a$$ bear* Granted, that $ast one see&ed un$ike$y, but I !as &enta$$y prepared for a$&ost anything8anything e1cept for !hat the doctor actua$$y to$d us, That there !as no heartbeat That the baby !as dead That &these th'n(s happen )or the best.* (nd this is !hen I broke It !asnt obvious fro& the outside I didnt cry I didnt screa& I !ent nu&b, and then I rea$i3ed that this !as a$$ &y fau$t If Id gone to church, or be$ieved in the right God, this !ou$dnt have happened The e1a& roo& door !as the un$ucky nu&ber that fa$$s after t!e$ve, and Id !anted to ask for another roo& but had been too e&barrassed to say !hy If Id de&anded another roo&, the baby !ou$d sti$$ be a$ive There !ere a &i$$ion reasons !hy this !as happening, and a$$ of the& !ere because of &e I nu&b$y fo$$o!ed 0ictor do!n the ha$$s, and for the #rst ti&e in &y $ife I serious$y considered suicide I !ondered if I !ou$d be fast enough to s$ip a!ay fro& 0ictor before he noticed that I !as gone I !ondered if the bui$ding !as ta$$ enough to ki$$ &e if I %u&ped, or if Id %ust !ake up, broken physica$$y as !e$$ as &enta$$y, in a hospita$ bed I !ondered !hat I cou$d do to not have to ever dea$ !ith this, because I kne! I !asnt strong enough to co&e out !ho$e on the other side 6e !ent ho&e, and !hi$e I !aited to &iscarry, I had 0ictor ca$$ everyone and te$$ the& to never+ ever &ention this to &e again 9o 4o!ers, no )I& sorrys* $oth'n(. "ecause I kne! that the on$y !ay I cou$d survive this !ou$d be to b$ock it fro& &y &ind (nd that &ight have been easier to do e1cept for the fact that I ,',nt &iscarry I continued to carry the baby for another &onth and then I had a nervous breakdo!n My doctor rea$i3ed I needed this to end i&&ediate$y and perfor&ed the surgery There !ere co&p$ications fro& the procedure, and I ended up having a painfu$, he&orrhaging &iscarriage that night ( !eek $ater I !as diagnosed !ith post2trau&atic stress disorder and put on an antidepressant that &ade &e suicida$ Wh'ch 's not really how an ant',epressant 's suppose, to wor-+ turns out My psychiatrist !orked !ith &e unti$ I !as eventua$$y ab$e to $eave the house !ithout having a breakdo!n, and eventua$$y I got better and stronger and !as ready to try again (nd then I got pregnant again (nd then I $ost it again I s!itched doctors and de&anded to be tested for everything in the books Thats !hen I found out that I had antiphospho$ipid antibody syndro&e, !hich I cou$d bare$y even spe$$ I !ent ho&e and $ooked it up on the Internet and it basica$$y said, )YO:7; GOI9G TO -I;,* but then &y doctor to$d &e that it !asnt that big of a dea$ Its a rare autoi&&une disease that causes b$ood c$ots, and !orsens during pregnancy I to$d her that I !as pretty sure that I a$so had po$io and testicu$ar cancer, and she said that I !asnt a$$o!ed to read 6ebM- any&ore I !as put on a regi&en of baby aspirin and I !as a$$, )Serious$y+ Fucking baby asp'r'n+* "ut &y doctor assured &e that it !ou$d thin &y b$ood enough to stop having &iscarriages (nd thats !hen I had another &iscarriage 'oincidenta$$y, this is the sa&e ti&e !hen I screa&ed, &F!#. BABY ASIRI$+* and &y doctor agreed to prescribe a heavy2duty treat&ent of e1pensive b$ood thinners, and I !as a$$, &Hell+ yeah.* Then she said, )5eres your giant du<e$ bag of syringes so that you can in%ect the &edication direct$y into your b$oodstrea&,* and I thought, )Oh I have ma,e a terr'ble m'sta-e.* "ut I took a deep breath and I started giving &yse$f in%ections In the sto&ach T!ice a day (fter &any, many &onths of shots I found &yse$f pregnant again This ti&e I !as getting further a$ong than ever before and every ti&e !e had an u$trasound I !ou$d sti$$ !ince in terror, certain that the baby !ou$d be gone "ut it !asnt I kept &y appoint&ents and ada&ant$y insisted that none of the& fa$$ on the un$ucky2 nu&bered day =eop$e thought I !as insane, and I !as >Sti$$ a&? "ut I !asnt taking any chances, and curing &y !orsening O'- !asnt as i&portant to &e as keeping the baby a$ive "y the eighth &onth &y sto&ach !as huge and tight, and I didnt have any e1tra fo$ds of fat to pinch a!ay that I cou$d stick the syringes into My doctor insisted that a$though the need$es !ere .uite $ong, they !ere not $ong enough to actua$$y reach the baby, but I !as terri#ed that I !ou$d end up in%ecting b$ood thinners into her head, and so I !ou$d ye$$, )MO0;, "("Y GO TO YO:7 L;FT O7 YO:7; GOI9G TO G;T ST("";-* )/y $eft 9ot your $eft :n$ess youre facing &y be$$y button Then its your $eft too If you can see &y $iver youve gone too far* Then 0ictor $ooked at &e !orried$y and I !as a$$, )You kno!, you coul, he$p,* and he !as $ike, &What can I even ,o% You have obv'ously lost your m'n,.* Then I g$ared at hi& unti$ he #na$$y sighed resigned$y, !a$ked around &e, $eaned do!n, and shouted at the $eft side of &y sto&ach, )T5IS 6(Y, "("Y MO0; TO6(7- MY 0OI';@* (nd I s&i$ed at hi& gratefu$$y, but after I #nished the shot 0ictor &uttered, )If this doesnt !ork out !ere %ust getting a puppy,* !hich !as kind of a cra3y thing to say, because !e a$ready had a puppy Ti&e crept by unti$ it !as #na$$y ti&e to induce 0ictor kne! I !as scared, but I !asnt so nervous about the pain I !as terri#ed because the risk of sti$$birth is so &uch higher !ith antiphospho$ipid syndro&e 0ictor &ur&ured s!eet, supportive things in &y ear, but they sounded so unnatura$ co&ing fro& his &outh that I cou$dnt stop gigg$ing hysterica$$y, and everyone $ooked at &e $ike I !as the cra3y one, and so I to$d 0ictor he !asnt a$$o!ed to speak any&ore Then one &ore push, and there !as si$ence (nd then the beautifu$ sound of crying It !as &e crying (nd then it !as 5ai$ey crying My s!eet, beautifu$ daughter (nd it !as a&a3ing (s I he$d her in &y ar&s, 0ictor cried, and I !as #$$ed !ith so &uch !onder&ent and a!e that it fe$t as if &y chest !ou$d e1p$ode Then the epidura$ started to !ear o< and I re&e&ber thinking that it !ou$d be nice if this babys &other !ou$d co&e and take her so that I cou$d get so&e s$eep (nd then I re&e&bered that I !as that babys &other Then I fe$t a $itt$e scared for both of us It !asnt unti$ that very &o&ent that I actua$$y $et &yse$f be$ieve that I rea$$y &ight be ab$e to be so&eones &other