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THE OLD TRADITIONAL STORY

written by

Jacquel Chrissy C.

Scripped April 22, 2011


Copyright (c) 2011
Jacquel Chrissy C.
scripped.com All Rights Reserved
Bloor's Academy - The King's
Room - Before the Movie

Cheesy music plays in the background. Charlie Bone is


sitting in the King's Room trying to come up with an ass-
kicking title of the new movie he and his friends are
starring in.

EMMA TOLLY
What are you doing, Charlie?

CHARLIE BONE
Oh, nothing much; just thinking of
an really cool title for the
movie.

LYSANDER SAGE
And what movie is that?

CHARLIE BONE
Oh you know...OUR movie!

TANCRED TORSSON
OUR movie?

OLIVIA VERTIGO
Since when did WE have a movie?

GABRIEL SILK
Since the copyrighted infringement
of "Star Wars" that comes in the
beginning of the movie just came
on like five seconds ago.
(everyone looks
at him
confused. Star
Wars Theme Song
plays)

AND WITH THAT, CHARLIE BONE SET OFF WITH HIS FRIENDS EMMA
TOLLY, OLIVIA VERTIGO, TANCRED TORSSON, LYSANDER SAGE, AND
GABRIEL SILK AND THEY ALL WENT ON THE GREATEST ADVENTURE OF
THEIR LIVES. ALONG THE WAY THEY MAKE NEW FRIENDS, DODGE
TERRIBLE ENEMIES, AND DISCOVER A SECRET THAT COULD CHANGE
THE CITY FOREVER...

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA SPOOFING SHOWS IS FUN LOL LOL LOL LOL


LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL AND ALSO THEY ALL DECIDED THAT
GOING TO HOGWARTS IS BETTER THAN GOING TO BLOORS AND SOME
OTHER STUFF BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AND POOR BILLY RAVEN
ENDS UP BEING THE DAMSEL IN DISTRESS AND STUFF
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AND MANFRED IS JUST A WIMP WHO NEEDS TO
JOIN CHARLIE BONE AND DITCH HIS MESSED UP FAMILY...OK, I'LL
SHUT UP NOW.
(Star Wars
Theme Song
2.

ends)

GABRIEL SILK
So, what did you think about the
title, Charlie?

CHARLIE BONE
Ok, now I'm upset.
(everyone
stares at him)
It's not the really cool title for
the movie that I wanted.

OLIVIA VERTIGO
So what DO you want the title for
the movie to be?

CHARLIE BONE
Oh forget about it!
(he storms off)

CUT TO:

(CHEESY MUSIC PLAYS AND CHILDREN OF THE RED KING DANCE)

RANDOM WOMAN
(singing)
It's that time again, when a story
is being told, and nobody knows
what's it about.

RANDOM MAN
(singing)
They say that all old stories are
the best, never mind the rest. But
there's one story that we all
swear by.

RANDOM WOMAN & RANDOM MAN


(singing)
And...IT'S THE OLD TRADITONAL
STORY! The story with traditional
things in it, like magic and
action, romance and fantasy. THE
OLD TRADITONAL STORY, where we can
go on the greatest adventure of
our lives! Leave the modern stuff
at home and come with us on the
grand old adventure! It's gonna be
the greatest adventure of our
lives!
(cheesy song
ends)

TRANSITION TO:
3.

BLOOR'S ACADEMY - PRESENTATION DAY

BORING MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND

DR. HAROLD BLOOR


Hello, and welcome to Bloor's
Academy of Fine Arts.
(applause)
And here, I expect you to conduct
yourselves as becoming of a fine
arts student...

MANFRED BLOOR
Boring!

EZEKIEL BLOOR
Shut up, Manfred!

MANFRED BLOOR
Why don't YOU?

DR. HAROLD BLOOR


That's enough, you two! And now,
we will have the singing portion
of our show.
(Charlie and
Billy walk to
the stage and
begin to sing)

CHARLIE BONE & BILLY RAVEN


(singing)
Oh I went down south just to get
away from it all but somehow they
whisked us away to the ball, we
met pretty girls, but wizards
carried us away, and they wouldn't
let us go!
(applause from
audience)

EZEKIEL BLOOR
Me next! Me next! I wanna sing
"The Spell of Love"!

MANFRED BLOOR
You nicked that from Potter Puppet
Pals, didn't you?

EZEKIEL BLOOR
Shut up, Manfred! I will sing!
(music starts)
Without the spell of love, the
world would fall apart! You don't
need a wand when you have magic in
(MORE)
4.

EZEKIEL BLOOR (CONT'D)


your heart! All your other organs
are useless pieces of flab, my
friend, when compared to the spell
of love! With love you can sing of
the joy that it can bring, with
love you can fly on a rainbow in
the sky, with love you can dance
without any pants on...
(Ezekiel pulls
his clothes off
and is wearing
Hello Kitty
pajamas. record
comes to a
screeching
halt. kids
scream)

MANFRED BLOOR
Ugh! Grandpa, those are my Hello
Kitty pajamas! Grrrrr!

OUTSIDE BLOOR'S - LATER

EVIL WIZARDS UNLEASH ANCIENT EVIL UPON BLOORS

WORMTAIL
I just don't see why we have to do
this. They're not even magical.

SEVERUS SNAPE
Of course we have to do this. It's
about time someone taught those
no-good idiots a lesson on who the
real magical people are!

BELLATRIX LESTRANGE
Yeah! Just because they're related
to some magician doesn't give them
the right to act like they're all
high-and-mighty and think that
they're better than everyone else!

LUCIUS MALFOY
Hey! I said I was sorry! Geez!
(Bellatrix
opens a box and
all kinds of
evil things
spring from it)

BELLATRIX LESTRANGE
Hahahahahaha! Let the fun begin!

LORD VOLDEMORT PUTS A HUGE CURSE ON BLOORS


5.

LORD VOLDEMORT
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Now the
school is mine!

WORMTAIL
But Master, why are we hurting
these people? They're not even
muggles!

SEVERUS SNAPE
Don't listen to him; he's a whiny
little rat.

LORD VOLDEMORT
We now have the power!
Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha!

BELLATRIX LESTRANGE
Ok, Master, you're getting ahead
of yourself.

LORD VOLDEMORT
I'm going to be the greatest
wizard there ever was!

LUCIUS MALFOY
Would you cut that out?
(people are
watching them)
People are beginning to stare!

LORD VOLDEMORT
(singing)
It's gonna be great; it's gonna be
great, I can see Bellatrix hitting
me with a box of Frosted Flakes...
(Bellatrix
throws a box of
Frosted Flakes
at his head and
it hits him.
Death Eaters
stare at him)
Oh, sorry about that. And now to
put a curse on the school: They
will know no peace until they give
up every magical kid they have at
the school!
Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
6.

BLOOR'S ACADEMY - LATER

(BACK AT BLOOR'S)

WEEDON
Uh Harold, I've just received word
that some evil wizards are
breaking into the school...

DR. HAROLD BLOOR


WHAT? WIZARDS AT BLOOR'S? IN THIS
SCHOOL?
(pandemonium
breaks out)

CHARLIE BONE
What do we do now?

DR. HAROLD BLOOR


Charlie, you must go up to the
Order of the Phoenix and get help
immediately! Take your friends.

EZEKIEL BLOOR
Yes, help us, Charlie Bone! Put
that talent of yours to some good
use and save us!

CHARLIE BONE
Alright guys, let's go!
(he, Billy,
Gabriel,
Lysander,
Tancred,
Olivia, Emma,
and Fidelio
take off
towards the
door)

TRACY MORSELL
Tancred, be careful!

TANCRED TORRSON
Don't worry, Tracy. I'll come back
for you...
(Emma pulls his
ear)

EMMA TOLLY
C'mon Tanc, let's GO!
(exciting music
plays as they
run from the
school)
Where do we go first?
7.

FIDELIO GUNN
To the Pet's Cafe for supplies!

EZEKIEL BLOOR
Be careful, Children of the Red
King! There are evil wizards out
there! And vampires! And
werewolves! And crazy people! You
must save us all!
(kids leave)

THE PET'S CAFE - MOMENTS LATER

(THE PET'S CAFE)

CHARLIE BONE
Ok, now that we're here, let's get
some supplies!

OLIVIA VERTIGO
Yeah! Hopefully, Mrs. Onimous is
doing better...
(just then a
crazy person
shows up)

CRAZY PERSON
Hahahahahahahahahah! Finally, I've
been trying to catch you brats all
day! And now that I got you right
where I want you...
(Tancred zaps
him and blows
him away)

TANCRED TORRSON
Man, that person was annoying!
(Norton shows
up)

NORTON
Uh, what are you kids doing here?

CHARLIE BONE
Some evil wizards are trying to
take over the school.

NORTON
What? Oh my goodness! I must get
you kids outta here!

BILLY RAVEN
Why?
8.

NORTON
The evil wizard wants you because
you're all magic!

FIDELIO GUNN
What? That's crazy!

NORTON
I know! I gotta get you kids outta
here or else he'll show up! Let's
take my motorcycle!
(some people
are seen taking
his motorcycle)
Come back here with my motorcycle!
(he and the
kids chase
after the
motorcycle
thieves)

(THE KIDS AND NORTON ARE CHASING THE PEOPLE WHO STOLE
NORTON'S MOTORCYCLE IN THE LAST EPISODE)

CHARLIE BONE
We can't keep up with them!
They're much too fast!

NORTON
Of course! It's your capes!
They're slowing you down! Take
them off!
(The kids take
off their capes
and hand them
to Norton)
Now on to the train station!

TANCRED TORRSON
But how are we going to get there?
Remember, somebody stole your
motorcycle.

NORTON
I have a plan!
(within a few
minutes, they
all hitch a
ride in a
pickup truck
and the truck
goes to the
train station.
truck driver
goes to be back
(MORE)
9.

NORTON (CONT'D)
of his truck
and sees the
kids and
Norton)

DRIVER
Holy crap! You're that guy who
tried to off Orvil Onimous!

EMMA TOLLY
Is that true? I thought Norton was
nice!

FIDELIO GUNN
Me too!

DRIVER
Norton! You're the doorman to the
Pet's Cafe! Now you're kidnapping
children! I will call the police
and have them arrest you!

NORTON
Jig's up, kids! Run for it!
(they all jump
out the truck
and run into
the train
station)

DRIVER
Stop him! He tried to kill Orvil
Onimous!
(pandemonium
breaks out.
Norton and the
kids reach a
train)
STOP THAT MAN! HE'S STEALING THE
CHILDREN!

LYSANDER SAGE
We're not gonna make it! There's
too many people here!
(Norton is
captured)
Oh no! Norton's been captured!

OLIVIA VERTIGO
Oh no! What should we do?

GABRIEL SILK
Can we go back for him?
10.

NORTON
NO! Just keep going! Don't look
back!
(kids hop on
board a train
heading for
London)

BILLY RAVEN
Oh no! What about Norton?

CHARLIE BONE
It's too late to save him now! All
we have to do is go to London and
find the Order of the Phoenix.
It's the only way we can save
Bloor's.

FIDELIO GUNN
Well then, let's hop to it! We
don't have time to waste worrying
about anything else.

BLOOR'S ACADEMY - LATER

(MEANWHILE AT BLOOR'S; VOLDEMORT HAS TAKEN OVER THE SCHOOL


AND HE DEMANDS ALL ENDOWED CHILDREN BE HANDED OVER TO HIM)

LORD VOLDEMORT
I have now taken over your school.
Hand me every endowed child you
have and I'll spare your pathetic
lives.

WEEDON
Like hell you will!

LORD VOLDEMORT
(waving his
wand)
AVADA KEDAVRA!
(Weedon falls
down dead)
Anyone else want to challenge me?
(everyone gasps
and several
children step
forward)
And what are your names?

ASA PIKE
Asa Pike.
11.

JOSHUA TILPIN
Joshua Tilpin.

DORCAS LOOM
Dorcas Loom.

DAGBERT ENDLESS
Dagbert Endless.

INEZ BRANKO
Inez Branko.

IDITH BRANKO
Idith Branko.

LORD VOLDEMORT
Very well. Since you are endowed,
I am to teach you everything about
the wizarding world, for you are
to live in it and not the muggle
world. Say hello to your new
teachers Lucius Malfoy, Bellatrix
Lestrange, and Severus Snape.

WORMTAIL
Pass. I have no desire to teach
magic to a bunch of snot-nosed,
stuck-up brats!

LORD VOLDEMORT
And Wormtail will be teaching
whenever Severus is unable to
teach.

WORMTAIL
I have a name, it's Peter
Pettigrew and don't any of you
little punks forget it!

LORD VOLDEMORT
Whatever. And the rest of you
will...Wormtail, what was I going
to do with them?

WORMTAIL
Uhhhhh, I don't know.

BELLATRIX LESTRANGE
Let's teach them that they're not
worth anything because they're
muggles! I shall zap them until
they concede!
12.

LUCIUS MALFOY
Or we can have them as our
prisoners.

SEVERUS SNAPE
Maybe we can have them...provide
us with some entertainment. They
are a performing arts school,
aren't they?

LORD VOLDEMORT
I agree. You will perform for us
and any wizard who wishes to
visit. Fail and you'll be zapped
by Bellatrix. Now start
performing!
(the other kids
hurry and grab
costumes,
instruments,
and paints.
Bartholomew
Bloor sees all
and says to
Naren)

BARTHOLOMEW BLOOR
Naren, we need to get you out now.

NAREN BLOOR
Why?

BARTHOLOMEW BLOOR
Because there's bad wizards in
Bloor's and I can't let them find
you.

NAREN BLOOR
But where will I go?

BARTHOLOMEW BLOOR
London. We'll take the train.
(He, Naren, and
Meng pack their
things and
drive to the
station, where
Naren is sent
to London)
13.

LONDON - AT THE MARKET

HARRY POTTER
Man I hate shopping days. I'm so
bored I wanna scream!

VERNON DURSLEY
Yeah, me too.

DUDLEY DURSLEY
Let's sneak away and watch a
movie.

VERNON DURSLEY
Ok, what did you have in mind?

DUDLEY DURSLEY
Pocahontas!

HARRY POTTER
You'd watch a Disney movie? Disney
movies are a waste of time!

JACQUEL ROMANOV
I couldn't have agreed more. Let's
watch Braveheart!

VERNON DURSLEY
Now that's what I call a good
movie!
(they all sneak
away from
Petunia and go
to a theater to
watch
Braveheart)

(MEANWHILE...)

CHARLIE BONE
I hope this Order of the Phoenix
will actually listen to us!

LYSANDER SAGE
You and me both, dude!

TANCRED TORRSON
I say the Bloor's must be daft as
to rely on us to help them. It's
not like we actually care about
them, isn't it?
(Manfred jumps
out from behind
them)
14.

MANFRED BLOOR
Oh, you'd better care all right!

OLIVIA VERTIGO
Manfred? How did you get in here?

MANFRED BLOOR
Well how should I put this a bunch
of evil wizards showed up at
Bloor's and took over the school.

CHARLIE BONE
Right. And we should care
because...

MANFRED BLOOR
They are using all the endowed
children to do evil.
(everyone
gasps)
And worse, they're holding my
father and Ezekiel prisoner.

BILLY RAVEN
Oh, what will we do?

MANFRED BLOOR
I don't know.

LONDON. - CONTINUOUS

CHARLIE BONE
It's all your fault, Manfred!

MANFRED BLOOR
Why?

CHARLIE BONE
If it weren't for you, I wouldn't
be in this stupid situation!

MANFRED BLOOR
Oh, so now you're blaming me?

CHARLIE BONE
Heck yeah!

MANFRED BLOOR
Oh I dare you!

CHARLIE BONE
Bring it on, punkface!
15.

MANFRED BLOOR
Make me!
(they both
start fighting
as the others
watch)

(MEANWHILE...)

PETUNIA DURSLEY
(finishes the
shopping)
I wonder where they went.
(she sees them
leaving leaving
the theater)
Where have you been?

VERNON DURSLEY
Just to the movies.

PETUNIA DURSLEY
You took them to see Pocahontas,
didn't you?

DUDLEY DURSLEY
No, Disney movies are a waste of
time. We saw Braveheart instead.

PETUNIA DURSLEY
Braveheart? You took them to see
an R-rated movie?

VERNON DURSLEY
What? Oh, come on now, Petunia.
There's no way in this hell I'm
taking them to see Pocahontas.
That movie's not even historically
accurate and they besmirched the
name of an American heroine.

PETUNIA DURSLEY
I understand Jacquel not watching
it, but Dudley's still a baby!

VERNON DURSLEY
Petunia! Dudley is 14 years old.
He's not a baby anymore!

PETUNIA DURSLEY
It doesn't matter. You can take
Jacquel and Harry to R-rated
movies all you want, but NOT my
little baby boy!
16.

DUDLEY DURSLEY
But mommy, I'm not a baby, I'm a
man! I'm an anchorman!

JACQUEL ROMANOV
You're not a man, Dudley! You're
just a great big fat wuss!
(The Cullens
are watching
this unfold)

CULLENS
Ooooooooooooooooooooohhhhh!

HARRY POTTER
Hahahahahahah! You're totally
right, Jacquel. He is a wuss.

DUDLEY DURSLEY
That's not very nice, Harry!

LONDON. -CONTINUOUS

CHARLIE BONE
You're gonna take back what you
said!

MANFRED BLOOR
Make me!

CHARLIE BONE
You're such an idiot!

MANFRED BLOOR
Still insulting me, Boney?

CHARLIE BONE
I'm so kicking your ass!

MANFRED BLOOR
Let's bounce!
(he smacks
Charlie in the
face and breaks
his nose. The
others freak
out as Charlie
clutches his
bloody nose.
And the Cullens
have arrived.)
17.

CARLISLE CULLEN
Quickly Esme, get the kids! I need
to see that boy's nose!
(Esme gathers
the kids to her
side and Jasper
pounces on
Charlie)

JASPER HALE
Mmmmmmm, blood! Yummy!
(He licks
Charlie's
broken nose.
Charlie screams
in fright and
Rosalie slaps
him)

ROSALIE HALE
Jasper, down!
(Alice, Emmett,
and Rosalie
drag him away.
Carlisle looks
at Charlie's
nose.)

CARLISLE CULLEN
I see that you had some kind of
briuse and you need to have that
checked out.
(Meanwhile,
Bella shows
up.)

BELLA SWAN
What's going on?

EMMETT CULLEN
Thank God you're here, Bella! We
can't hold him much longer!

BELLA SWAN
Oh Jasper? Want some of my blood?

JASPER HALE
Your blood?

ALICE CULLEN
Bella what are you doing?
18.

BELLA SWAN
Saving that boy's life.
(Just then,
Edward shows up
with a bunch of
fangirls
following him)

CHARLIE BONE
Uhhhhh, help! He's trying to drink
my blood!
(Apparently,
Jasper pounced
on Charlie and
is licking his
nose)

EDWARD CULLEN
Jasper, NO! Get away from him!

JASPER HALE
But Eddie, why would I want to not
drink such delicious blood?

CARLISLE CULLEN
Jasper, what did I say about human
blood?

ESME CULLEN
It's bad for you.

JASPER HALE
You people are too soft! The boy's
blood is mine!
(he attacks
Charlie as
everyone
watches
helplessly.
Harry is seen
pulling out his
wand and
zapping him)

HARRY POTTER
Prefectus totalus!
(Jasper falls
to the ground)

VERNON DURSLEY
Harry, did you just...
19.

RANDOM WOMAN
...save that boy's life?
(Petunia sees
Jasper,
screams, and
faints)

RANDOM MAN
He must have been one crazy
vampire!

NAREN BLOOR
(stepping off
the train and
seeing
everything)
Hey, what'd I miss?

CUT TO:

(CHEESY MUSIC PLAYS AND CHARLIE, TANCRED, LYSANDER, FIDELIO,


GABRIEL, OLIVIA, EMMA, BILLY, MANFRED, AND NAREN DANCE)

RANDOM WOMAN
(singing)
It's a strange new world I'm in
right now, with wizards, and
witches, and vampires and
werewolves; and I'm smack dab in
the thick of it all.

RANDOM MAN
(singing)
But its only the beginning of the
greatest adventure of our lives;
and we can only move forward
now...

RANDOM WOMAN & RANDOM MAN


And...IT'S THE OLD TRADITIONAL
STORY! The story with vampires,
werewolves, wizards and witches.
THE OLD TRADITIONAL STORY, where
you'll never know what can happen
next! Now we go to chapter 2 of
the grand old adventure! It's
gonna be the greatest adventure of
our lives!
(cheesy song
ends)
20.

LONDON. IN A SMALL COTTAGE

CARLISLE CULLEN
Now once again, why are you
children here?

CHARLIE BONE
We were sent here by Dr. Bloor to
ask the Order of the Phoenix for
help because the Dark Lord
Voldemort is attacking Bloor's!
(everyone
gasps)

MANFRED BLOOR
And then they take off without
inviting me...

CHARLIE BONE
Shut up, dumbass!

MANFRED BLOOR
Why don't you?
(he and Charlie
start fighting
until Esme
pulls them
apart.)

ESME CULLEN
I will not have any of that name-
calling or fighting! Now, you two
will CALMLY tell us what is
happening, and there will be NO
MORE fighting or name-calling. Is
that understood?

CHARLIE BONE & MANFRED BLOOR


Yes, ma'am.

OLIVIA VERTIGO
As was mentioned before, we're
supposed to go to London and ask
the Order of the Phoenix for help
because Dr. Bloor asked us to get
them to help because some evil
wizard is attacking our school.

CARLISLE CULLEN
I see. That man has no right to
even bear the title of "Dr." His
family is an insult to our kind.
21.

CHARLIE BONE
But we still have a mission...

CARLISLE CULLEN
One which you won't complete, I'm
afraid.

EMMA TOLLY
Why not?

JASPER HALE
Your headmaster wanted you out of
the way so he can do bad things
and destroy the city without you
stopping him.

BELLA SWAN
Jasper!

ROSALIE HALE
What? He's just telling them the
truth.

ALICE CULLEN
Nothing wrong with that. And
besides, you children need to be
as far away from You-Know-Who as
possible or he'll brainwash you
into accepting his evil ideals.

EDWARD CULLEN
So no, you're not going anywhere,
but to Hogwarts.

FIDELIO GUNN
What's a Hogwarts?

HARRY POTTER
Hogwarts? Aye, it's my school!

BILLY RAVEN
Can you show us?

HARRY POTTER
Sure.
(they walk to a
castle
disguised as
Hogwarts.)
Well, this is actually a cosplay
that the drama students are doing
about life in the wizarding world.
Now look at the castle built to
resemble Hogwarts!
(dramatic music
plays)
22.

CHARLIE BONE
Hogwarts!

GABRIEL SILK
Hogwarts!

OLIVIA VERTIGO
Hogwarts!

TANCRED TORRSON
Hogwarts!

MANFRED BLOOR
It's only a model.
(everyone
stares at him)
Well, the good stuff has got to be
inside.
(wacky music
plays and
cosplayers
dressed as
Hogwarts
students dance)

RANDOM COSPLAYERS
Welcome to Hogwarts School of
Witchcraft & Wizardry, where we do
magic all the time; it's so much
fun to fly around and play a
rousing game of Quidditch! Here at
Hogwarts, you can do whatever you
want; cast magic spells, annoy the
teachers, impress all your
friends! Oh what a great school to
be at you'll never have another
like Hogwarts! Hogwarts, our
beloved school, Hogwarts, we love
you!
(fireworks go
off and people
cheer)

JASPER HALE
On second thought, let's not go
there.

BELLA SWAN
I agree. It is a rather terrible
place.
23.

HARRY POTTER
Oh don't you guys worry; the real
Hogwarts is a 1,000 times better
than this pile of crap. Speaking
of which, why don't we go there
right now?

BLOOR'S ACADEMY - THE KING'S ROOM. - MORNING

LORD VOLDEMORT
Now that you children are here, I
shall teach you all to zap muggles
and mudbloods, intimidate half-
bloods, and reprimand blood-
traitors.

ASA PIKE
But aren't you promoting racism
and discrimination and possible
genocide?

JOSHUA TILPIN
Yeah! Last guy who did that, they
tried to blow his head off.

WORMTAIL
What was his name?

DORCAS LOOM
Adolf Hitler!
(just then
everything in
the world came
to a screeching
halt)

LUCIUS MALFOY
WHAT? ADOLF HITLER? THAT MAN WAS A
MONSTER!

SEVERUS SNAPE
That man murdered millions of
people for no reason!

LORD VOLDEMORT
And I had to watch that happen and
stuff like that! *SIGH* I suppose
you kids are right. Perhaps I am
trying to become nothing more than
an evil tyrant. Oh well, back to
the drawing board.

BELLATRIX LESTRANGE
What will we do now?
24.

WORMTAIL
Oh I don't know. Perhaps our very
lives are being controlled by some
Scottish woman bent on making us
evil and scaring off little kids.
I just don't wanna be evil!

SEVERUS SNAPE
Oh, you're not evil, Wormy. You're
just Judas Iscariot.

WORMTAIL
See what I mean? That guy betrayed
his teacher, and they nailed him
to a tree just for suggesting that
it would be nice if we all got
along and took care of each other
and our world.

LUCIUS MALFOY
Ok, but we still have to figure
out how to educate the kids and
plan revenge on Dumbledore. He did
ruin your life after all, the gay
moron!

BELLATRIX LESTRANGE
Lucius! There are children
present!

SEVERUS SNAPE
Absolutely.

LUCIUS MALFOY
SORRY! And besides, the children
need to be taught to know their
place.
(to the
children)
Now what were your names again?

ASA PIKE
Asa Pike.

JOSHUA TILPIN
Joshua Tilpin.

DORCAS LOOM
Dorcas Loom.

DAGBERT ENDLESS
Dagbert Endless.
25.

INEZ BRANKO
Inez Branko.

IDITH BRANKO
Idith Branko.

LUCIUS MALFOY
So, Asa, Joshua, Dorcas, Dagbert,
Inez, and Idith, you are going to
be trained by us to intimidate
muggles, humiliate idiots, and
cause nothing but trouble for all
those who hate magic.

LORD VOLDEMORT
Good idea! But first, we must find
a plan to destroy Dumbledore's
reputation.

WORMTAIL
How?

LORD VOLDEMORT
Because the Scotswoman had it in
her mind to fool the people by
saying that Dumbledore was good.
But if he were really good, then
why would he leave a child with
eople who hate him? Why would he
kill a woman who saw right through
him? Why would he then place the
woman's baby in a potentially
abusive household? Why would he
use a teenaged boy as a weapon to
defeat me?

WORMTAIL
More like a shield me thinks.

BELLATRIX LESTRANGE
I agree.

LORD VOLDEMORT
And then the Scottish woman said
that he was gay. GAY! Can you
believe it?

DEATH EATERS
No way!

ASA PIKE
So, what exactly are you planning
to teach us?
26.

LORD VOLDEMORT
I'm going to be teaching you kids
how to humiliate Dumbledore,
because while he hides under the
guise of a grandfatherly wizard
like Gandalf, he's more of a
murdering monster who mustbe
stopped at all costs! Now who
wants to save the world?

ASA PIKE
I do!

DORCAS LOOM
Me too!

JOSHUA TILPIN
Yeah! Save the world!

DAGBERT ENDLESS
I'll drown the old man!

INEZ & IDITH BRANKO


He'll be crying uncle when we get
through with him!

LORD VOLDEMORT
That's the spirit! But we can't do
this alone! We must bring in some
other children who want to help us
dethrone Dumbledore!

WORMTAIL
What about your little friends in
those bad fanfiction stories?

BELLATRIX LESTRANGE
Good. I'll get them.

SEVERUS SNAPE
I'll go spy on Dumbledore.

LUCIUS MALFOY
Make sure he knows nothing of our
new plans!
(Snape leaves)

LORD VOLDEMORT
(staring at a
picture of
Dumbledore)
Hahahaha, so the foolish old man
still wants to play Gandalf to all
those poor suckers out there.
Well, I'm ready to play your
(MORE)
27.

LORD VOLDEMORT (CONT'D)


little game! But be forewarned,
even old wizards can be evil, just
ask Saruman!

SARUMAN
Hey! I resent that remark!

LORD VOLDEMORT
It's the hard truth. Live with it.
And besides, Everyone thinks
Christopher Lee is better than
you.

SARUMAN
Shut up.

(MEANWHILE, SNAPE MEETS WITH DUMBLEDORE)

SEVERUS SNAPE

I've got some news for you, Albus.

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE

Yes?

SEVERUS SNAPE

Lord Voldemort is planning to attack some boarding school in


a faraway town.

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE

Good for him. At least it'll keep him occupied while we


train Harry to take him down!

HOGWARTS - AFTERNOON

(IN THE GREAT HALL IN HOGWARTS)

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
I have an announcement to make
Lord Voldemort has apparently
given up on his quest to kill
Harry Potter!
(everyone
cheers)

SEVERUS SNAPE
But he may have another plan in
mind; we don't know it yet, but he
may be planning something else.
28.

FLITWICK
Like what?

SEVERUS SNAPE
I don't know yet, but he's
planning something. But anyway,
I've just received word that some
children are coming to see us.

MCGONAGALL
But why are they here?

HOOCH
I heard they were coming to ask
for our help, since the Dark Lord
was attacking their school.

SEVERUS SNAPE
I know about that. I was there.

HAGRID
So you know about what his next
plans are?

SEVERUS SNAPE
No, I don't know about his next
plans, but we better watch
ourselves. We let our guard down
too much, and he just might
remember us and attack us.

SPROUT
So what do we do now?

SEVERUS SNAPE
Nothing. We wait for them to
arrive. Meanwhile, who wants to
play Snappers?
(everyone grabs
cards and
begins playing
Snappers)

(MEANWHILE…)

CHARLIE BONE
That's the real Hogwarts?

HARRY POTTER
That's right. It's much better
than those cosplayers had, isn't
it?
29.

JASPER HALE
Good. No singing cosplayers in
this one.

BELLA SWAN
See? Harry made good on his
promise after all!

LYSANDER SAGE
So we'll just simply march up
there and ask for their help.
(Jacob Black
and his friends
show up)

JACOB BLACK
Hahahahahahaha! I beat you
bloodsuckers to it!

EDWARD CULLEN
Grrrrr! How the heck did you beat
us here, wolf-boy?

CHARLIE BONE
Oh *great*! Another Asa!

(AT THE GROUNDS AT HOGWARTS)

JACOB BLACK
Hahahahahahaha! I told you I'd
beat you here!

EDWARD CULLEN
You're a moron, Jacob Black. A
complete and total moron.

JACOB BLACK
Oh yeah?

EDWARD CULLEN
Yeah!

JACOB BLACK
Let's bounce!
(Embry and Quil
start jumping)
Uh, what the hell are you guys
doing?

QUIL ATAERA
Bouncing.
30.

EMBRY CALL
It's fun, Jake. You should try it
sometime.

PAUL COTTON
C'mon, guys! Let's all bounce!
(everyone
begins jumping
around)

JACOB BLACK
No no no! When I say let's bounce,
I mean I'm gonna kick his butt!
Now let's bounce!

EDWARD CULLEN
Bounce? That is sooo street talk!
I say I'm gonna kick your butt!

JACOB BLACK
Fine by me!
(they start
fighting)

BLOOR'S ACADEMY. - LATER

BELLATRIX LESTRANGE
I'm back, master! Look who's here
with me!
(At once,
Corrie Anne,
Tyler, Chloe,
Addison,
Bartok, Maddy,
Ivy, Donnie,
Slade, and
Treasure show
up)

LORD VOLDEMORT
Good. Now we can finally have our
revenge.
(to the kids)
You guys know what to do.

KIDS
Watch movies?

LORD VOLDEMORT
Right. Which movie do you want to
see?

TREASURE TOLKIEN
How about Watchmen!
31.

WORMTAIL
But that's a rated R movie!

TREASURE TOLKIEN
Shut up! I say we're watching
Watchmen! No, we're not watching
Monsters vs. Aliens!

WORMTAIL
But I wanna...

LORD VOLDEMORT
Wormtail, we're watching Watchmen
and that's final! Everyone into
the car now!

ASA PIKE
What about us?

BELLATRIX LESTRANGE
You're coming with us as well! Now
let's go!

HOGWARTS. -LATER

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
Ahhh, there are the students who
are coming to live at my school.
Welcome!

CHARLIE BONE
Uh, we're not who you think we
are.

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
Yes you are. You're going to live
at our school.

CHARLIE BONE
But I'm Charlie Bone, and I'm
coming here to ask for your help.
Some evil wizard has taken over my
school and its headmaster needs
your help to kick him out!

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
Nice try, kid; but I'm not falling
for that trick. Now let's get you
settled in your room and wait for
those vampires to show up.
(he drags a
protesting
Charlie and the
other Children
of the Red King
to their rooms)
32.

MOVIE THEATER

SEVERUS SNAPE
I can't believe I'm watching
Watchmen, again!

LUCIUS MALFOY
since when did you watch the movie
first?

SEVERUS SNAPE
When Stacey and Gabriel went. I
swear those boys are mine are
going to drive me into my grave!

BELLATRIX LESTRANGE
Oh you know those boys gotta have
action!

WORMTAIL
Right on! anyway, I'm bored. Wanna
sneak over and see Race to Witch
Mountain?

LUCIUS MALFOY
As long as it's not boring!
(all four go to
watch said
movie)

HOGWARTS.

CARLISLE CULLEN
Sir, we have arrived.

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
Very Good. I want you to teach a
course about creatures in the
wizarding world.

JACOB BLACK
Uh, Dr. Fang, no offense to you or
anything like that, but I think
you should reconsider the job
offer.

CARLISLE CULLEN
Why, Jake?

JACOB BLACK
I don't trust him; I smell deceit
in his clothes.
33.

ALL
Jacob?

LEAH CLEARWATER
You and your big mouth are gonna
get us all in trouble!

JACOB BLACK
Leah?

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
I've got your rooms ready so if
you all would...
(just then the
group of
vampires and
werevolves run
him over. Lupin
shows up)

REMUS LUPIN
Yay! I'm not the only werewolf
around here anymore!
(to the wolves)
Let's be friends!

WOLVES
Friends!

SIRIUS BLACK
Oh brother!

MOVIE THEATER.

LORD VOLDEMORT
Who's up for Race to Witch
Mountain?

KIDS
Yay!

TREASURE TOLKIEN
Just as long as it's not rated G.

LORD VOLDEMORT
Then let's go!
(to Wormtail)
So how was that movie?

WORMTAIL
You'll enjoy it. Dwayne Johnson's
in it.
34.

KIDS
Yay!

LORD VOLDEMORT
Good. Let's go then!
(they all go
see Race to
Witch Mountain)

HOGWARTS.

(MEANWHILE IN THE ROOM WHERE CHARLIE AND HIS FRIENDS ARE


STAYING...)

CHARLIE BONE
Dumbledore must be mistaken. We're
not the exchange students.

OLIVIA VERTIGO
I know! We're the Children of the
Red King, dammit!

TANCRED TORRSON
This is what that Dr. Cullen guy
must have warned us about.

ALL
Yeah!

MANFRED BLOOR
I say we find that old man and
force him to listen to us! He's
not gonna silence me so easily!
Now who's with me?
(cricket
sounds.
everyone glares
at him)

BILLY RAVEN
Manfred, you really need to work
on your leadership skills.

MANFRED BLOOR
Yeah. Thought so.

(MEANWHILE IN THE ROOM WHERE THE CULLENS AND BELLA ARE


STAYING...)

CARLISLE CULLEN
Well, I'm not one to comment on
housekeeping, but this is a good
castle.
35.

ALICE CULLEN
It's a disaster! It needs
redecorating!

BELLA SWAN
C'mon, Al. It's not that bad.

ALICE CULLEN
And the uniforms are atrocious!
Hideous! I shall give them all a
makeover.

EMMETT CULLEN
Forget it, Bells. Once she's got
her makeover mindset, it's hard to
stop her.

JACOB BLACK
Well, that old man seems to be
gay...

BELLA SWAN
That's enough, Jacob Black, or
I'mma punch you in the face!

JASPER HALE
And break your hand, again?

BELLA SWAN
That's besides the point!

(MEANWHILE AT THE LAKE, THE BAUDELAIRES HAVE ARRIVED)

KLAUS BAUDELAIRE
Hey, we're here!
(looks around,
but no one is
there to greet
them)
Why isn't anyone here to greet us?

(Klaus confronts Dumbledore)

KLAUS BAUDELAIRE
Why didn't you meet us at the
train station?

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
I was busy greeting all those new
students who...hey, wait a minute!
are you three the new exchange
students?
36.

VIOLET BAUDELAIRE
Yes we are. I understand that this
is the school we're supposed to be
at?

HAGRID
Yes it is. Welcome to Hogwarts.
Let me show you to your rooms.
(just then,
Sunny bites
Hagrid)
Why did she bite me?

VIOLET BAUDELAIRE
She likes you.

KLAUS BAUDELAIRE
If she didn't, she'd chomp yor
finger off.

SUNNY BAUDELAIRE
Jah riof sabe! (that means you're
ok for a giant)

HAGRID
Thank you very much then. what are
your names?

VIOLET BAUDELAIRE
Violet Baudelaire.

KLAUS BAUDELAIRE
Klaus Baudelaire.

SUNNY BAUDELAIRE
Sunny!

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
Very well then. see them to their
rooms them.
(Hagrid takes
Violet, Klaus,
and Sunny to
their rooms.)

(MEANWHILE)

CHARLIE BONE
I can't believe the nerve of that
old man! Who des he think he is?

MANFRED BLOOR
You and me both, Charlie! Let's
kill him!
37.

BILLY RAVEN
We can't do that! Tthis is a
family show!

MANFRED BLOOR
They kill people in Disney movies.
Even the movies with a G-rating!

EMMA TOLLY
WHAT?

MANFRED BLOOR
You don't kill people in G-rated
movies!

BILLY RAVEN
I wanna protest! This isn't a
family movie at all! Let's amp up
the rating of this show!

OLIVIA VERTIGO
Good idea! But let's be careful,
for the writer will keep it PG
even though we'll be doing some
pretty outrageous stuff and
whatnot.

CHARLIE BONE
Let's be careful; we don't want to
scare of any kiddies.

NAREN BLOOR
Hello? Have any of you forgetten
that I exist?

CHARLIE BONE
Naren? Why are you here?

NAREN BLOOR
Same reason you are here, Charlie
to get away from the evil Dark
Wizard and find a safe place to
stay for a while.

MANFRED BLOOR
And now you're stuck here. Welcome
to the club. We're all running
from the Dark Lord as well.

NAREN BLOOR
Ok; I'll join your club if we do
three more scenes before the next
cheesy song is played.
38.

CHARLIE BONE & MANFRED BLOOR


Deal!
(Meanwhile the
Disney Nazi
goes to the
audience and
says...)

DISNEY NAZI
NO DISNEY FOR YOU!

HOGWARTS. - CONTINUOUS

(IN THE ROOM WHERE THE CHILDREN OF THE RED KING ARE STAYING)

CHARLIE BONE
Why are you here?

NAREN BLOOR
I was sent here to get away from
the Dark Lord.

OLIVIA VERTIGO
He didn't want you, he only wanted
us.

NAREN BLOOR
But what if he tried to capture
me?

CHARLIE BONE
He wouldn't.

NAREN BLOOR
He would.

TANCRED TORRSON
So why are you here? You're not
really a Bloor's student. The Dark
Lord wanted all the Bloor's
endowed. Not you.

GABRIEL SILK
You're not even a student here at
this school, are you?

NAREN BLOOR
Of course not, silly.

LYSANDER SAGE
Don't you even have a concept of
what school is?
39.

NAREN BLOOR
Uh, yeah?

FIDELIO GUNN
No you don't. If you did, you'd be
in school already, not hiding out
in the wilderness like a coward.

CHARLIE BONE
Awww c'mon guys, lay off her,
please?

MANFRED BLOOR
Yes, listen to Charlie. He knows
everything.

BILLY RAVEN
Shut up, Manfred! You're a bully
and you know it!

MANFRED BLOOR
Ouch! That hurts!

EMMA TOLLY
You deserved it, you moron!

MANFRED BLOOR
Like you don't deserve it too!

BILLY RAVEN
Shut up, Manfred!

LYSANDER SAGE
C'mon people, let's try and get
along here. We still haven't
decided if we want Naren on our
team!

OLIVIA VERTIGO
Like can we even trust her?

TANCRED TORRSON
Can we really trust a girl who
lives in the wilderness?

FIDELIO GUNN
How do we know she's not a
traitor?

GABRIEL SILK
She could be working for the
Bloors for all we know.
40.

CHARLIE BONE
That's enough! Naren is joining
us, and no more questions! I
understand if you don't know her
very well, but we're going to need
her. Now, we're going to have to
trust her without question! Is
that understood?

ALL
Yes, Charlie.

CHARLIE BONE
MANFRED?

MANFRED BLOOR
Yes, Boney.

CHARLIE BONE
Go ahead, Naren.

NAREN BLOOR
Thank you.

CHARLIE BONE
I hope you can really help us.

NAREN BLOOR
Don't worry I will.

MANFRED BLOOR
And if you betray us...

NAREN BLOOR
You think this looks like the face
of a traitor to you?

CHARLIE BONE & MANFRED BLOOR


No!

NAREN BLOOR
Just checking.

EMMA TOLLY
How do we know we can trust you?
We aren't on good terms with the
Bloors, and yet, you're one of
them.

OLIVIA VERTIGO
What she said. And no matter how
many fanfics pair you up with
Charlie, know this I SAW HIM
FIRST!
41.

NAREN BLOOR
Ok, ok, I get it, I get it! Don't
be so testy!

FIDELIO GUNN
Oh don't worry. She won't...much.

LYSANDER SAGE
But for now, we've gotten our
scene with Naren.
(to Naren)
You better be staying with us in
every scene we're in instead of
doing your own thing.

TANCRED TORRSON
I think everyone wants chapter 3.

AUDIENCE
We want chapter 3! Give us chapter
3!

GABRIEL SILK
Is this enough for you?

NAREN BLOOR
Yeah...ok. We can move on to
chapter 3 now.

AUDIENCE
Hooray!

CUT TO

(CHEESY MUSIC PLAYS AND CHARLIE, TANCRED, LYSANDER, FIDELIO,


GABRIEL, OLIVIA, EMMA, BILLY, MANFRED, AND NAREN DANCE)

RANDOM WOMAN
(singing)
Here we go, one more time, in a
world that we don't know, and
you're not gonna believe it, but
it's up to me to set things right.

RANDOM MAN
(singing)
And in the greatest adventure of
our lives, there's no turning
back; we only have but one choice
now, that's to move forward...
42.

RANDOM WOMAN & RANDOM MAN


And...IT'S THE OLD TRADITONAL
STORY! Where anything and
everything goes! THE OLD
TRADITONAL STORY, And life
certainly has changed! Now we will
see chapter 3 of the grand old
adventure! It's gonna be the
greatest adventure of our lives!
(cheesy song
ends)

BLOOR'S ACADEMY. - THE NEXT DAY

LORD VOLDEMORT
And now that we're done watching
movies, you children will meet
your new classmates, who will
educate you in your new venture,
Corrie Anne, Tyler, Chloe,
Addison, Bartok, Maddy, Ivy,
Donnie, Slade, and Treasure.

MADDY/SARA LEE
I'm Sara Lee now.

ALL
WHAT?

MADDY/SARA LEE
You heard me. I'm Sara Lee now.

ASA PIKE
Since when did you change your
name?

MADDY/SARA LEE
Since that chapter in that bad
fanfiction story.

DORCAS LOOM
Do you have an identity crisis?

MADDY/SARA LEE
No, but that Treasure has like
1,000 last names.

LORD VOLDEMORT
Enough, children! It's not time to
teach our new friends how to zap
muggles and mudbloods, intimidate
half-bloods, and reprimand blood-
traitors.
43.

TREASURE TOLKIEN
But I thought we agreed not to do
that at all!

LORD VOLDEMORT
Oh, did we? Well, what I meant to
say was that we're going to learn
how to intimidate muggles,
humiliate idiots, and cause
nothing but trouble for all those
who hate magic.

ALL
WHAT?

BARTOK RASPUTIN
You work for us now. You will
learn that magic is good and
anyone who hates people who use
amgic must be silenced and
humiliated.

JOSHUA TILPIN
I wanna protest! This isn't what I
signed up for!
(everyone else
agrees with
him)

TREASURE TOLKIEN
But this is what you must do. You
can't just sit around and let
those without magic tell you lies
and tell you that magic isn't
real.

ADDISON
And besides, "normal" is so
overrated that it's not even funny
at all.

ASA PIKE
So what are we to do now?

MADDY/SARA LEE
You all must be trained as
magicians, wizards, people who
will intimidate those who think
they own everything but they will
lose in the end. We're going to
mess them up and when it all ends,
magic will rule supreme.
44.

IVY
Now you know why you are here?

IDITH BRANKO
Same reason you are here to
destroy those who are destroying
the world and bring it back to the
magical one we all know.

LORD VOLDEMORT
Very good. Now it's time for the
training to begin.
(to Wormtail)
Cue some inspirational music!

WORMTAIL
Ok, but I don't know what to
choose.

SLADE
I know.
(he plugs in
his iPod and
music starts
playing.
everyone stares
at him)
This isn't exactly inspirational.

TREASURE TOLKIEN
Must I do everything myself?
(she plugs in
her iPod and
switches to the
song Eye of the
Tiger)
This is inspirational music!

WORMTAIL
What song is that?

TREASURE TOLKIEN
Eye of the Tiger by Survivor from
the Rocky III soundtrack.

LORD VOLDEMORT
Very good. Now we begin the
training. We will not rest until
the muggle world has fallen!
45.

HOGWARTS.

CHARLIE BONE
Well that's just great! We're
stuck here at Hogwarts with no way
to even get out. Now how are we
going to take back Bloor's?

EMMA TOLLY
I don't know. Maybe we're not
meant to go back to Bloor's at
all.

OLIVIA VERTIGO
Maybe that Dr. Cullen was right
after all. We shouldn't be
interfering in this situation at
all.

MANFRED BLOOR
What's that I hear? You guys are
just giving up? You're going to
let them win?

ALL
Yeah.

MANFRED BLOOR
What the hell is wrong with you?
Charlie, where's your defiance?
Olivia, where's your bravery?
Tanc, how's about getting angry
and blowing some of that wind
around?

TANCRED TORRSON
Since when did you care about us?

LYSANDER SAGE
Since that chapter where he tried
to be the leader and Billy shut
him down.

BILLY RAVEN
I don't think Manfred has the
capacity for leadership at all.

NAREN BLOOR
No, he does not. But then again,
why should we trust him?
46.

CHARLIE BONE
I say we ask those wizards for
help. Maybe they can help us
retake the school.

FIDELIO GUNN
Good idea, Charlie. We'll need all
the help we can get.
(they all leave
their room and
head to the
Room of
Requirement)

HARRY POTTER
What are you guys doing here?

CHARLIE BONE
We want to escape and fight for
our school.

JACQUEL ROMANOV
Yeah, I've heard that one 1,000
times.

ALL
WHAT?

JACQUEL ROMANOV
I've tried to help many people
take back their lives, but none of
them really put in the effort to
really save themselves.

ALL
Like who?

JACQUEL ROMANOV
Let's see here…
(grabs a book)
Phigre from Storm &
Discord…nope, he failed to even
escape from his room…
(grabs another
book)
Kaita from Sword's Darkness…fell
dead after defying Dumbledore. I'm
afraid that I can't help you guys.
Sorry.

CHARLIE BONE
Awww come on! We heard you were
the best of the best! Can you help
us? PLEASE?
47.

HARRY POTTER
Well…
(looks at
Jacquel; she
nods)
Ok. We're in. but we'll have to
train you very very hard.

JACQUEL ROMANOV
And it won't be easy, nor will I
go easy on you. But we will train
you.
(Ron and
Hermione show
up)

HARRY POTTER
Say hello to my friends Ron and
Hermione. They will also be
teaching you.

RON WEASLEY
So do we have an inspirational
song?

HERMIONE GRANGER
I think so. Jacquel's got tons of
songs, right Jacquel?

JACQUEL ROMANOV
Lemme check my iPod.
(soon everyone
else shows up)
Well, looks like we've got an even
bigger crowd than I though. No
matter. It's training time!
(Eye of the
Tiger by
Survivor from
the Rocky III
soundtrack
plays as both
groups train
their students)

(AFTER THE TRAINING)

JACQUEL ROMANOV
Congratulations, guys, your
training is now complete.
(everyone
cheers)
Now it's time to put your training
in motion.

(MEANWHILE AT BLOOR'S)
48.

LORD VOLDEMORT
Now that my new minions are
properly trained in the ways of
magic, we will now be using our
training to intimidate anyone who
doesn't like magic. Let's go!

NARRATOR
And so the Dark Lord and all his
minions set off from Bloor's and
they proceeded to cause nothing
but trouble for the city of
Freadwardbobertmc'hammerhimesmitop
olis. The people were indeed
terrified because the Dark Lord
was so angry. Many people were
killed just because they condemned
the use of magic. But there were
some who resisted. They met in the
Passing house.

THE PASSING HOUSE

PATON YEWBEAM
Well, this is great! We've got a
bunch of magical troublemakers
running around and yelling about.

GRIZELDA BONE
I say we give these troublemakers
what for!
(everyone
cheers)

EUSTACIA YEWBEAM
But what about Charlie? He needs
to be here in order to do
something about this mess.

EZEKIEL BLOOR
Yeah, but we had to hide him, lest
that evil wizard makes him be bad
like him!

PATON YEWBEAM
I'm going out to find Charlie.

AMY BONE
I'm coming with you.

JULIA INGLEDEW
So am I!
49.

EZEKIEL BLOOR
Wait! You can't go anywhere
without powers! They will find you
and hurt you!

PATON YEWBEAM
Does it look like I want to listen
to you? Now who's with me? Let's
move!

NARRATOR
Then Paton and his miniature
search party set out from
Freadwardbobertmc'hammerhimesmitop
olis and they headed off to
London. But they weren't alone,
for Robbie Evans and his siblings
Louise, Felix, David, and Molly
came with them. Also there was
also Addie Caldwell, Jenner and
Maurice Du Bois, and two strange
children called Suchart Seeker and
Shara Shaze.

PATON YEWBEAM
We have now reached London.

AMY BONE
But where are the children?

EZEKIEL BLOOR
If you were paying attention to
the story, you would have found
out that some crazy old man has
them and Manfred locked up at his
school!

JULIA INGLEDEW
We must save them all!

PATON YEWBEAM
We need to find that school and
quickly!
(but little did
they know they
were being
watched)

LORD VOLDEMORT
So, we've got a group of rescuers,
or do we? Let's get them!
(he chases
after Paton's
search party,
but
disappears.)
50.

BELLATRIX LESTRANGE
Master?

LORD VOLDEMORT
(standing
behind her)
I'm over here!

LUCIUS MALFOY
Then who's that over there?
(he points to a
pile of rags
where Voldemort
once stood)

LORD VOLDEMORT
Stop looking at those rags and
let's go! We need to stop them
before they reach Hogwarts!

HOGWARTS.

(AT HOGWARTS)

NARRATOR
Meanwhile, we go back to Hogwarts,
where a quite insane Dumbledore
has locked up all the girls in a
dungeon cell and threw away the
key.

OLIVIA VERTIGO
Well, that's kind of not fair!

BELLA SWAN
You tell me. Old men go insane,
pop princesses in jail, what is
this world coming to?

JACQUEL ROMANOV
This is all my fault. If I haven't
trained them…

ROSALIE HALE
We'd find a way to get out.

(MEANWHILE)

CHARLIE BONE
I can't believe that Dumbledore
guy would lock up all the girls!
51.

TANCRED TORRSON
Who does he think he is, anyway?

HARRY POTTER
I thought he was a great wizard,
but now I'm not so sure. Yeah, he
wants me to fight for the greater
good, but then I recently found
out that that "greater good" crap
is nothing more than a load of
horse-

RANDOM IDIOT
Stake sauce!

HARRY POTTER
Thanks.

JACOB BLACK
I will NOT be stopped by a tiny
little cage! Must use reverse cage
attack method!
(grabs a remote
and rewinds to
the point when
Seth is about
to set off the
trick cages)

SETH CLEARWATER
Cool, what's that?

BOYS
Don't touch that rope!

SETH CLEARWATER
Why not?
(Filch trips
over the rope
and a cage
falls on his
head, trapping
him)
I'd rather not ask.

JACOB BLACK
Now let's find the girls!
(they race
towards the
tower where the
girls are being
held)

(CHARLIE AND MANFRED)


52.

CHARLIE BONE
Manfred? Where are you?

MANFRED BLOOR
I'm in here!
(he grabs
Charlie and
pulls him into
a spare room)

CHARLIE BONE
What's going on?

MANFRED BLOOR
This is the part where horror of
unspeakable horror happens and
there's lots of making out.

CHARLIE BONE
Gross!

MANFRED BLOOR
Yeah. And before that, we have a
fearful chat about the horror that
is happening right now.

CHARLIE BONE
Don't you mean love confessions?

MANFRED BLOOR
You're hopeless, Charlie Bone!
Completely and totally hopeless!

CHARLIE BONE
I am not hopeless, Manfred Bloor!
You're the one who's mean because
he doesn't have his mommy!

MANFRED BLOOR
And you're all defiant and stuff
because you don't have your father
with you!

CHARLIE BONE
You took my father away from me
and where is he now, Manny?

MANFRED BLOOR
Don't take it out on me because
your father's not here!
53.

CHARLIE BONE
I can so take it out on you, you
stupid son of a wacky scorpion-
eating wombat! In fact, I should
just kill you right now, you
little…
(just then,
Manfred reaches
over and kisses
him. The Disney
Nazi shows up.
Music grinds to
a halt. Screen
cuts to black)

DISNEY NAZI
Hey, what the hell? You're not
supposed to be watching THAT!
That's disgusting! Here, watch
this
(he shows a
Disney
singalong.
Jacob gets mad
and tears him
into pieces)

JACOB BLACK
Don't worry, kids; he'll never
destroy another story again. Here,
watch the girls get rescued…

(IN THE TOWER)

JACQUEL ROMANOV
I'm going to ask you girls an
important question what is up with
today's crappy stories?

BELLA SWAN
I don't know.

JACQUEL ROMANOV
It's that today's stories are full
of crap! I'm tired of all this
realistic fiction they try to
shove in our faces! Why can't we
have a good fantasy for once?
(just then
Laurent shows
up)
54.

LAURENT
Vampire Rescue Patrol; do any
girls here need rescuing?

GIRLS
Over here!
(he breaks down
the door and
the girls rush
out)

JACQUEL ROMANOV
And now we go to fight and I
avenge my family!

(IN THE GREAT HALL)

KLAUS BAUDELAIRE
Where the hell is Charlie? He
should be here by now!

JASPER HALE
He's probably off getting the big
barrel guns.

EMMETT CULLEN
Or maybe he's found a way out.

ALL
I hope so.
(just then the
girls and
Laurent show
up)

RON WEASLEY
How'd you girls get out?

LEAH CLEARWATER
Easy. A guy came and rescued us.

HARRY POTTER
I will never criticize fairy tales
again.

JACQUEL ROMANOV
But you can criticize Prince
Charming. He didn't rescue me from
my troubles, so why should I trust
him? And besides, I liked the idea
of being rescued.
(just then
Charlie and
Manfred show
up)
55.

EMMA TOLLY
About time you two sons of a
filthy goblin-minded rat managed
to show up here! Where are the
guns?

CHARLIE BONE
I've got a letter. Since Uncle
Paton might want to rescue us, I'd
figure I would write and ask for
help.

FIDELIO GUNN
Good idea, Charlie!

CHARLIE BONE
And then we tie it to a brick and
hurl it out the window and hope he
finds it…
(Leah throws
the
brick…WITHOUT
THE LETTER
ATTACHED!)

BELLA SWAN
Leah, you idiot!

LEAH CLEARWATER
What? Oh come on now, Bella, I was
only trying to help!

ROSALIE HALE
You could have waited *until* he
put the letter on the brick and
tied it up BEFORE you threw it!

LEAH CLEARWATER
So what? You're blaming ME for his
loss?

ROSALIE HALE
Bring it on, you little punk!
(They start
fighting)

(MEANWHILE)

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
What's going on here?
(Jacquel is
behind him)
56.

JACQUEL ROMANOV
What the hell is wrong with you?

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
Oh, Miss Romanov, if only your
mother was smarter…

JACQUEL ROMANOV
Don't you bloody dare drag my
mother into this! You murdered
her, didn't you, you sick bastard?

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
I don't know what you're talking
about.

JACQUEL ROMANOV
I know you murdered her, you sick
child of a wacky reptile-faced
anaconda! And guess what? I'm
gonna make you pay for her
death…with YOURS!
(Harry shows
up)

HARRY POTTER
Jacquel, bad news…

JACQUEL ROMANOV
Harry, can't you see that I'm in
the middle of a conflict here? I'm
gonna take down Dumbledore!

HARRY POTTER
He's here!

JACQUEL ROMANOV
CRAP!
(to Dumbledore)
I'll deal with you later!

(AT HOGWARTS LAKE)

LORD VOLDEMORT
Bwaahahahahahahahahahaha! I've now
reached Hogwarts and I'm taking
over the school! Everyone will bow
to me or…
(just then the
brick Leah
threw earlier
hits him in the
face. He
screams and
says some words
(MORE)
57.

LORD VOLDEMORT (CONT'D)


that won't be
published in
this story)

CHARLIE BONE
Who the heck is he?

EMBRY CALL
I don't know.

HARRY POTTER
Lord Voldemort, I might have known
it was you the whole time! You're
causing all the trouble
in...(turns to Olivia) What was
your town's name again?

OLIVIA VERTIGO

Freadwardbobertmc'hammerhimesmitpo
lis.

HARRY POTTER
Thought so. Anyway, you're nothing
more than a Holy son of a putrid
worm-eating trogg! You and your
Death Eaters make me laugh with
all your talk about "muggles this"
and "pureblood that"! Well, it
ends now!

LORD VOLDEMORT
And you're just Harry Potter, the
Boy-Who-Is-A-Pain-In-My-Behind!

HARRY POTTER
Well looky here, you snake-faced
child of a swollen badger-brained
spider! I laugh at your funny
looking no-nose icky looking mug!
I mock all your Ugly Betty-like
stepsisters, you sons of a giant
worm-minded rat!
(Children of
the Red King
start laughing)
Now back off, or I will insult you
again!
(The kids laugh
at Voldemort,
who is clearly
insulted)
58.

LORD VOLDEMORT
Children! Remember who you work
for!
(the laughter
dies
immediately)

HARRY POTTER
Do you have a death wish, you Holy
snake-like child of a pimply
shrew-hating platypus? We shall
throw bricks at your head!

CHARLIE BONE
No, Harry, not bricks. I've got
something even better.

TANCRED TORRSON
What can be better than bricks?

BELLA SWAN
Dodgeballs! ATTACK!
(the kids send
hundreds of
dodgeballs
hurtling
towards the
Death Eaters,
who are much
taken aback by
the attack)

LORD VOLDEMORT
Avada Kedavra! Harry Potter, this
be your final act!
(he zaps Harry,
but Dumbledore
is hit by the
curse)

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
But why, Harry?

HARRY POTTER
Because, you son of a swollen
spider-hating kangaroo, you ruined
my life, you made me live with
people I hate, you're using me as
a human shield against the Dark
Lord just so you can claim
victory…
(Jacquel grabs
Dumbledore and
knocks him off
the wall)
59.

JACQUEL ROMANOV
Who's the smarter one now?

EDWARD CULLEN
Ok, that's enough. Now let's face
him head on!
(before they
could do so, a
bunch of
knights show
up)

SEAN MICHAEL BLACK


Evil Voldemort!
(Voldemort
looks at him)
Today, the blood of thousands of
innocent people shall be avenged!
This time, I won't stop fighting
until you and every one of your
evil minions lies dead!
(to knights)
CHARGE!

LORD VOLDEMORT
STOP THEM! But Sean is mine!
(just then, a
very violent
battle ensues)

TANCRED TORRSON
I use hurricane flash!
(just then, Asa
sees the flash)

ASA PIKE
Look out, guys! It's Tancred! The
weather kid!
(the kids get
hit by the
flash and get
soaked)

ADDISON
You never told us that there were
GOOD kids!

DORCAS LOOM
Why should we?
(just then, an
illusion of
birds swoop
over everyone's
heads)
60.

BARTOK RASPUTIN
BIRDS? I FREAKING HATE BIRDS!
(he runs off
screaming his
head off)

EMMA TOLLY
Nice job, Olivia.

OLIVIA VERTIGO
Thanks.
(just then
Billy has
Disney
figurines
loaded onto
catapults)

BILLY RAVEN
FIRE IN THE HOLE!
(figurines pelt
the other kids)

TREASURE TOLKIEN
What the bloody hell…DISNEY
FIGURINES? I HATE DISNEY!

CHARLIE BONE
Let us throw more dodgeballs at
them!
(dodgeballs are
hurled at the
children)

ASA PIKE
That's it! We can't beat them!
Let's give up now!
(a white flag
is waved)

JACQUEL ROMANOV
Those evil kid minions are giving
up! We win!

ALL
Hooray!
(just then
Paton shows up)

PATON YEWBEAM
There you kids are!
61.

EZEKIEL BLOOR
Yay! You taught those others a
lesson! They will get detention
after we get back to Bloor's!

AMY BONE
Charlie, you're ok!

CHARLIE BONE
Of course I am, mom. I mean, with
wizards and witches and vampires
and werewolves, no one could
possibly hurt me.

JULIA INGLEDEW
Good for you kids. You've won the
day!

SUCHART SEEKER
All right, wait a sec here! This
isn't Lord Voldemort!

SEAN MICHAEL BLACK


He isn't? Then who is he?

ROBBIE EVANS
He's…
(rips off
disguise)

ALL
WEEDON?

LYSANDER SAGE
I KNEW IT!

CHARLIE BONE
But why?

WEEDON
I served the Bloors all these
years and they never thanked me or
anything like that. That's when I
got involved with Norton. But now
he's in jail for life because of
you snot-nose royal brats!

MANFRED BLOOR
Watch it punkface, or I'll bounce
you from here to Moscow, back
around China and up through
Mexico!
62.

WEEDON
Oh, hello, Manfred.

MANFRED BLOOR
DON'T YOU DARE "OH HELLO MANFRED"
ME, YOU DOG-NOSED HEAD SNAPPER!
You killed the real dark lord and
dressed up as him!

WORMTAIL
I knew he was a fake!

GABRIEL SILK
So who are you guys?

NAREN BLOOR
Oh, you haven't met Suchart and
Shara? They and I are the
Storybook Police, and our job is
to make sure that the stories are
corrected and everyone, and I mean
bad guys included, live happily
ever after.

CHARLIE BONE
So that's why you're not at
Bloor's.

NAREN BLOOR
Right. But since this is our last
job, since we arrested the Volturi
and Count Olaf a few weeks back
and locked them up in a horrible
prison that's so bad that not even
Sirius Black can escape from it,
we'll have to go to school.
(to Weedon)
You are under arrest for causing a
disturbance in
Freadwardbobertmc'hammerhimesmitpo
lis, recruiting children to do
your evil works and lying about
yourself to gain followers.

WEEDON
I HATE CHILDREN, ESPECIALLY THE
CHILDREN OF THE RED KING!

SHARA SHAZE
And we're using that against you.
Now come quietly…
(Weedon is
taken away)
63.

CHARLIE BONE
Great! Since there's no more Lord
Voldemort and Dumbledore got what
he deserved, what do we do now?

NAREN BLOOR
I don't know.

BLOOR'S ACADEMY. - SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(A FEW WEEKS LATER)

CHARLIE BONE
It's so good to be back in
Bloor's. but for some reason, I
miss those other guys.

LYSANDER SAGE
Us too, Charlie.

GABRIEL SILK
I admit it was pretty cool hanging
out with real wizards.

EMMA TOLLY
Same here.

FIDELIO GUNN
I wonder what's happening to those
other guys…

(IN DETENTION)

DR. HAROLD BLOOR


And for cooperating with a
criminal, you will all receive 5
months detention!
(kids groan)

JOSHUA TILPIN
But that's not fair!

EZEKIEL BLOOR
Fair is fair, Joshua Tilpin. You
did a bad thing, now you are to be
punished!

MADDY/SARA LEE
But why are you punishing us? We
don't even go here!
64.

EZEKIEL BLOOR
Shut up and stay in here for five
months!
(laughs wildly
as he leaves)

(IN THE KING'S ROOM)

BILLY RAVEN
Now what?

CHARLIE BONE
We finish singing that wacky song
that we sang in the first scene!

BILLY RAVEN
Oh, but of course!
(but Manfred
stops them)

MANFRED BLOOR
How's about a…hug, Charlie Bone?

CHARLIE BONE
Ok.
(he gives
Manfred a hug)

OLIVIA VERTIGO
Oh great! Charlie turned Manfred
into a big softie!

TANCRED TORRSON
I kind of like the new Manfred.

GABRIEL SILK
Me too.

MANFRED BLOOR
Well…don't get your hopes up.
(just then
Treasure and
the others come
to them)

TREASURE TOLKIEN
We've got something for you…

ALL
Like WHAT?
65.

TREASURE TOLKIEN
THIS!
(Harry and his
friends, the
Baudelaires,
the Cullens,
and the wolves
come out)

CHARLIE BONE
What's happening?

MADDY/SARA LEE
It's a party! You know, to
celebrate a good clean, non-
Disney-like ending!

TREASURE TOLKIEN
Because I hate Disney.

SUCHART SEEKER
And you did a great job making
everyone get along.

BILLY RAVEN
Who are you guys?

SHARA SHAZE
We're those random people who sang
the old traditional story theme
song.

EMMA TOLLY
I thought you were the storybook
police.

SUCHART SEEKER
Yup, that too.

SHARA SHAZE
So we will sing for you guys one
more time…HIT IT!

CUT TO:

(CHEESY MUSIC PLAYS AND EVERYONE IN THE ROOM DANCE)

SHARA SHAZE
(singing)
Well, we have done what we have
done; and that is set things
right. Now we can go on with the
rest of our lives…
66.

SUCHART SEEKER
(singing)
We have certainly gone on the
greatest adventure of our lives,
and now that adventure has come to
an end…

SHARA & SUCHART


And...IT'S THE OLD TRADITONAL
STORY! Where good things happen
all the time! THE OLD TRADITONAL
STORY, And life is certainly
grand! Now back to the real world
you we shall send, for we only
have two words left to say…

ALL
THE END!
(cheesy song
ends)

FADE TO BLACK.