`Respecting Gods Design in Men and Women

Men and women are different. Wow, shocker right? Of course its not. But our modern society likes to
cling to the idea of equality. We worship equality. As a result of this, aside from the undeniable
anatomical differences, when we see obvious differences between men and women we tend to see
these differences as a result of choices, as if we could simply choose to be different.
For example, men are more aggressive and controlling than women. Society thinks they shouldnt be.
We think men should respect womens opinions more and share control with them. Women are more
emotional than men. Men think they should be more logical. But women think men should embrace
emotions and communicate more, as if men and women could just choose to act differently. We think of
these differences as just choices that can be changed. We dont see the differences between men and
women as inherent to Gods pattern of creation.
Because we believe in equality we also tend to be critical of these differences. This is natural because
both men and women only know how they see things. They only know how they feel about things.
Because we tend to see all people as fundamentally equal we expect the same feelings and actions from
others. We expect them to act in the same way we would. When they dont we dont understand why.
When they dont we tend to resent them.
There is a war between the sexes going on in modern times. Im sure everyone has witnessed it.
How many times have you seen the Facebook stories railing on double standards between the sexes?
Its common to see stories and comments that criticize men. Men are shallow, all they care about are
looks. Men are irresponsible. Women are the ones who have to do all the work. Men are controlling
and aggressive. Our modern society tends to blame men for most of the evils in our world. Men are
broadly considered selfish and unfair.
And of course men resentfully respond with their own set of grievances. They think, Women are overly
emotional. Women are demanding. Women are high maintenance. Women are the old ball and
chain. To men, women are selfish and unfair.
These resentments result from an equalitarian template and they are misplaced because men and
women are not equal. It is scientifically inescapable men and women are different.
By six weeks in the womb men and womens brains begin developing differently. Mens brains end up
larger than womens and different parts of our brains are different sizes too. Even the composition of
our brains is different. Men have 6.5 times as much grey matter as women. Thats what we use to
process concrete data. Women have 10 times as much white matter as men. White matter connects
different parts of the brain together. Men are inherently better at things like spatial reasoning and have
better hand-eye coordination, while women are better at communication and reading people.
To say men are more logical is a stereotype concretely based in fact. Their brains are simply built to
process things more logically than women.
Womens brains function differently. Their brains are much more connected than mens which means
women are far more sensitive and aware of the world around them than men.
Girls are more sensitive to touch than boys. The most sensitive boy does not feel as much as the least
sensitive girl. Girls are also more sensitive to sound. Women are 4 times more likely to sing in key than
men.
Even before they can talk girl babies are better at identifying the emotional content of speech. They are
more interested in communication. By 2 days old girls maintain eye contact twice as long as boys and
pay attention more when adults are talking. From the cradle, girls gurgle more at people, while boys
jabber at toys.
A four month old girl can distinguish photos of people they know. Boys cant. Boys notice things more
than people. Girls notice people more than things. Boys roam further from their mother than girls and
are naturally more active and wakeful than girls. Girls take three times as long as boys to say goodbye to
their mother when they leave for school.
Boys play more vigorously, and occupy a much larger play-space than girls. Boys are more interested in
building with blocks and playing with anything that does something. Girls choose sedentary games, and,
if they build, they build long, low structures while boys go for height.
A newcomer to the playgroup - of either sex - will tend to be greeted with friendship and curiosity by the
girls; with indifference by the boys. There is irritation if the newcomer follows the boys; girls tend to
welcome the stranger into their group. By the age of four, boys and girls usually play apart. Boys tend
not to bother about whether or not they like any particular member of the gang - he's included if he's
useful; girls exclude other girls because "they're not nice". Girls accept younger children into the group;
boys tend to try to join groups of older children. Girls know and remember the names of their
playmates; boys often don't.
Boys make up stories of action and bad guys. Girls stories focus on home, friendship and emotions. Boys
tend to tell the story of the robber. Girls tell the same story from the point of view of the victim.
There is as much as a 25% average difference in various aptitude tests between the sexes. And it only
takes a 5% difference to allow a person to excel in any given field. Men have better spatial and
reasoning ability. Women have better senses and communication ability. They can literally hear the tone
of voice better than men. Women have wider peripheral vision while mens vision is able to concentrate
in a narrower field. Womens greater senses and more brain connectivity is probably the root of
feminine intuition.
Men are far more aggressive and assertive. They take far more risks than women. One out of every 30
men are in prison, while less than 1 in 100 women are. Take race out of the picture and you find 1 out of
every 106 white men are in prison, but only 1 out of every 355 white women are in prison. And when
you look at violent crime the difference is even more stark. 90% of murders are committed by men and
98% of mass murders are committed by men.
And this isnt just when men are bad. Men are more assertive when they are being good too. 95% of
CEOs are men and 85% of Congress is male. And it applies across the board to men in general. Studies
show women frequently change their habits and beliefs because of a relationship, but men rarely do.
Even our skin is different. Womens skin is thinner, softer, produces fewer oils and contains less collagen
than mens. Have you ever wondered where the phrase thin skinned came from?
Women are more emotional. Women cry four times as much as men. 2/3 of diagnosed depression is
among women. Women produce more stress hormones than men and take longer to stop producing
them after stressful events. Women change jobs more often than men. Women have lower pain
thresholds and feel pain for a longer time than men. Pain actually triggers a response in the emotional
centers of a womans brain. That does not happen in men.
While men are more naturally aggressive, women experience longer, more intense periods of anger
than men. But we dont readily notice that because women tend to respond to anger through
subversive methods such as gossip while men tend to use direct confrontation.
Women and men are full of built in differences. Gods Word also treats men and women differently.
I Timothy 5
8 But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith,
and is worse than an infidel.
Verse 14
14 I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to
the adversary to speak reproachfully.
Gods Word requires men to be providers and urges women to be homemakers.
Deuteronomy 22:5
The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's
garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the Lord thy God.
Men and women are commanded to maintain a distinction in the way they dress.
I Corinthians 11, which I heard was read recently, instructs men and women to wear their hair
differently in recognition of their different roles.
I Timothy 2:1-2
I exhort therefore, that, first of all, supplications, prayers, intercessions, and giving of thanks, be made
for all men;
2 For kings, and for all that are in authority; that we may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness
and honesty.
Drop to verse 8
8 I will therefore that men pray every where, lifting up holy hands, without wrath and doubting.
9 In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and
sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;
10 But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works.
11 Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection.
12 But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.
The Bible instructs men to respect the authorities over them and compares that submission to womens
command of modestly and subjection to the men in their lives.
I Peter 3:1-7
Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may
without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
3 Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of
putting on of apparel;
4 But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a
meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves,
being in subjection unto their own husbands:
6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are
not afraid with any amazement.
7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto
the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
Again we have the same dichotomy. The previous chapter was about Gods command to men of
submission to authority. Verse 17 sums it up: Honour all men. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honour
the king. This is followed by the command to women to be humble in their dress and subject to their
husbands. Incidentally this shows the primary meaning of the Bibles command to women of modesty is
at its base a command of humility.
Men are then reminded of their responsibility to care for women.
I Corinthians 14
33 For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints.
34 Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are
commanded to be under obedience as also saith the law.
35 And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to
speak in the church.
Women are not to fill positions of authority in the church. The Bible also talks about responsibilities men
have to women.
Exodus 22
16 And if a man entice a maid that is not betrothed, and lie with her, he shall surely endow her to be his
wife.
17 If her father utterly refuse to give her unto him, he shall pay money according to the dowry of virgins.
A man owes marriage to a woman when they engage in a physical relationship. The Bible implies the
man takes something from a woman in a physical relationship. He literally owes her damages if he
doesnt marry her.
Genesis 3:16
Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt
bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.
Genesis says a womans desire shall be to her husband. This is talking about a biological difference
that exists between men and women. During a physical relationship women release oxytocin. This is the
same hormone released during childbirth which causes the mother-child bond. Sex literally triggers an
emotional bond in women toward the man. When a woman sleeps with a man she literally becomes his.
There are countless differences between men and women.
For our modern society that creates a problem. We are obviously not the same, yet we believe we
should be and can be and that fosters a load of resentment.
Men are From Mars and Women are From Venus, New York Times bestseller, millions of copies sold. The
title of that book became a household phrase still used today. Men and women dont understand each
other and they have a very hard time getting along because of it.
This conflict is a big problem. Its a problem for our lives here of course. The relationship between a man
and a woman is the most fundamental thing that will ever happen to us. It shapes and affects everything
in our lives and touches everything in the lives of our children. A foundation of resentment, anger, and
lack of understanding about the marriage relationship is probably the single most destructive aspect of
our modern equalitarian belief system.
But more important than that, this conflict also affects our relationship with God. Our understanding of
the basic relationship between male and female is foundational to Christianity itself. It you dont
understand this relationship I doubt its possible to truly understand Christianity. Understanding our
relationship with God is a framework that also helps us understand marriage and the man or woman we
share it with. Men are from Earth and so are women. We can understand each other, what we are
thinking and feeling, and we can come to respect and appreciate what we each bring to the relationship.
An easy example of this is the tradition of valuing virginity in women. Our equalitarian society regards
traditions like that as double standards that are unfair and oppressive. Why should it be more important
for a woman to be a virgin than a man? But when we understand the design of God we can see its not
unfair. Its entirely reasonable and actually beneficial for both men and women.
Sex biologically ties a woman to a man. When its done before marriage the woman is very vulnerable
because she bonds to the man before he commits to her. Im sure youve all encountered the woman
who cant seem to break a relationship off with a bad boyfriend even though she knows she should.
Thats because the emotional bond shes formed is very strong. And breaking that bond harms her. Once
that bond is formed, breaking it is traumatic for the woman. The bond is similar to a mother-child bond
and breaking it is similar to losing a child. Each time it happens it leaves scars that make it harder to trust
and harder to love in the next relationship.
The same thing doesnt happen to a man. That is not to say it doesnt matter of course. A man will have
to answer to God for the harm he has done to women, but a relationship outside of marriage does not
harm him like it does a woman.
Studies show women are happiest when they have one long-term relationship in their life. Every
additional sexual relationship increases a womans chance of depression and lessens a womans
satisfaction with life. So the tradition of valuing virginity in women makes a great deal of sense. For the
prospective husband a virgin woman is more naturally able to trust and bond to him. For the prospective
bride, she is also more likely to be content with her marriage and happy with life. Valuing virginity in
women is not an unfair double standard. It is simply acknowledging Gods design.
Another example is the tradition of stay at home wives. Again our society cries unfair double standard.
Women should be free to do anything men do. But recent epigenetic studies show the genes of children
who receive less physical contact from their mothers during childhood are damaged by it. They call it
DNA methylation. A child who grows up in daycare instead of in his mothers arms will actually pass on
less robust genes to his children because of it.
Staying home as a wife also directly benefits the women involved. There was a study completed recently
by two Wharton professors which measured the happiness of women over the last 40 years. Its title was
The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness. From the name you can guess the contents. As society
has embraced equality for women, women have become less happy, not more. Women today are more
equal but less satisfied with their lives than women who lived in the 1960s and 70s when women
generally filled the traditional homemaker role. Again, the gender roles are not unfair double standards.
They recognize Gods different design for men and women.
Lets look at the framework God designed men and women to fill. We, as a nation are married to God.
Isaiah 62:4-5
4
Thou shalt no more be termed Forsaken; neither shall thy land any more be termed Desolate: but thou
shalt be called Hephzibah, and thy land Beulah: for the LORD delighteth in thee, and thy land shall be
married.
5
For as a young man marrieth a virgin, so shall thy sons marry thee: and as the bridegroom rejoiceth
over the bride, so shall thy God rejoice over thee.
God says He is married to us as a nation. Now I know people dont put much weight on that analogy.
Most people dismiss Gods marriage to Israel as just a way God describes His relationship to a nation.
They see this as a vague analogy that doesnt have any real application to individual men and women.
Jeremiah 3:14
14
Turn, O backsliding children, saith the LORD; for I am married unto you: and I will take you one of a city,
and two of a family, and I will bring you to Zion:
Did you see that? Children I am married to you I will take you one of a city and two of a family.
Here God uses marriage as an analogy not just about his relationship to the nation, but to describe His
relationship to us as individuals, married to God as well.
Matthew 25:1
Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to
meet the bridegroom.
2
And five of them were wise, and five were foolish.
3
They that were foolish took their lamps, and took no oil with them:
4
But the wise took oil in their vessels with their lamps.
5
While the bridegroom tarried, they all slumbered and slept.
6
And at midnight there was a cry made, Behold, the bridegroom cometh; go ye out to meet him.
7
Then all those virgins arose, and trimmed their lamps.
8
And the foolish said unto the wise, Give us of your oil; for our lamps are gone out.
9
But the wise answered, saying, Not so; lest there be not enough for us and you: but go ye rather to
them that sell, and buy for yourselves.
10
And while they went to buy, the bridegroom came; and they that were ready went in with him to the
marriage: and the door was shut.
11
Afterward came also the other virgins, saying, Lord, Lord, open to us.
12
But he answered and said, Verily I say unto you, I know you not.
Who is the Bridegroom? Thats Christ of course. Who are the virgins that go in with the Bridegroom to
the marriage? Those are Christians. Thats talking about us, as individuals. Each of us is in a marriage
relationship with God. He is our husband. We are in the position of Gods wife. What does it mean to be
in a relationship with our Savior?
Marriage characterizes the relationship between God and the Christian. And this isnt a slight
comparison. The Bible uses it a lot. Matthew 22 makes the same comparison. Hosea 2 says the same
thing. 2 Corinthians 11 does. Revelation 19 does. And over and over again throughout the Bible, God
says our relationship to Him is like that of a wife with her husband.
So its kind of important that we understand marriage correctly because if we cannot understand
marriage, if we dont understand our spouse, if our understanding of marriage is full of conflict and
resentment, where does that leave us in our effort to enter into salvation, or marriage with God? It
leaves us outside the door saying Lord, Lord, open unto us.
Now, most people will object that God uses marriage as an analogy of our relationship with Him, but
they will say you cant compare Gods relationship with us to our relationships with each other because
no one is God. They say that analogy just doesnt work when were discussing an actual husband and
wife.
But if that analogy doesnt really work why did God use it? The purpose of an analogy is to draw on the
audiences understanding of one thing to explain another. God is saying to look at marriage to
understand our relationship with Him. Theres a reason Gods Word uses marriage as an analogy for our
relationship to Him. That analogy only holds purpose if we CAN compare His relationship with ours.
Ephesians 5:22-31:
22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour
of the body.
24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every
thing.
25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing;
but that it should be holy and without blemish.
28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the
church:
30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they
two shall be one flesh.
32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that
she reverence her husband.
Here Gods Word doesnt just compare Gods relationship to marriage, it compares our relationships,
our marriages, to Gods relationship. It specifically says our relationships can and should be compared to
His. It says husbands should love their wives just like the Lord does us. It specifically says wives should
submit to their husbands just like we submit to God.
Now you can deny any man can love like God does. You can deny any woman can be expected to
reverence her husband like we are to reverence God. You can continue to disregard this analogy. Most
will. But if you accept what God wrote, it helps you understand why God made men and women the way
He did and it helps us appreciate what both men and women were designed to do and feel.
Men arent from Mars and women arent from Venus. We both come from earth and we can both
understand each other. God created both of us.
Genesis 1:26-27
26 And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the
fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every
creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.
27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created
he them.
Both men and women are made in the image of God. We both reflect the same God. Both men and
women are saved in the same way by faith. Sarah appears in Hebrews 11 right alongside Abraham. If we
are so inherently different, how can that be?
The equalitarian Christian of today latches on to that and says, See, men and women are equal. What
they are missing is the concept of one flesh.
Ephesians 5:31
For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two
shall be one flesh.
What does it mean to be one flesh? Ive heard people say this is a euphemism for the sexual union.
Others go a little deeper and see this as a reference to the children born of that union, the child is
literally one flesh made out of two. I think those are aspects of what God means by one flesh, but one
flesh refers to more than that.
An elderly couple who cant have children still become one flesh. A soldier who is away from his wife
for a year at a time can still be one flesh with his wife even though they cant maintain a physical
relationship. One flesh describes something more.
There are a lot of references throughout the Bible that talk about the church as a body. Thats the same
analogy. The church is many people, but it is one body, one flesh. Together Christians make up one
body. Now what does it take to be part of that body? Jesus Christ must be your Lord, correct? Accepting
the headship of Christ joins us to His body. We become part of the body, or one flesh with the church,
by accepting Jesus as our husband, or Lord, if you use the term Sarah used for her husband.
We are all one body because we all have the same head. This headship is what the one flesh analogy is
all about. Remember Ephesians 5:28-29
28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the
church:
Look at your hand. Its part of your body. And the Bible is exactly right isnt it? You nourish and cherish
your hand. You would never purposely try to harm it. You will try to preserve it and protect it. It is your
body. Its you.
Now think about a tumor growing inside your body. Is that tumor a part of your body? Will you nourish
and cherish it? Do you love it like you love your own hand? Of course you dont. Why not? Whats the
difference between your hand and a tumor in your body? They are both made up of cells that you
produced. Cancer cells are exactly the same type of cells as the rest of your body. They even come from
you. They are attached to you just like your hand is. But you dont consider a tumor to be part of your
body.
The difference between the two is your hand does what you want it to, the tumor does not. Thats the
difference. The cells of your hand obey you and because of its obedience you value it. You can count on
it, use it, and trust it. Your hand is a part of your body. Cancer does not serve you so it is not a part of
your body.
Thats what one flesh means: a wife is one flesh with her husband because she comes under his
headship. The man loves her and will sacrifice for her because she is his, she is an extension of him. The
marriage has one head and as a consequence the two become one body. That submission and
responsibility is the subject of Ephesians 5.
Understanding that pattern is the key to understanding and respecting the differences between men
and women because God designed men and women to fill the different roles He put them in.
Lets look at some of the differences between men and women and try to understand and respect their
design. The first one I want to look at is how men and women fall in love.
Men tend to fall in love very quickly. Youve all heard the phrase love at first sight. Thats something
men do. A man can walk through a mall, glance at a pretty woman and fall in love. Women dont
understand that. Women think they do. A woman can see an attractive man and think she is feeling the
same thing a man feels. But she isnt. A man actually falls in love by sight. A woman does not.
It doesnt happen that way for women and our society tends to think of men as shallow because of it.
Have you seen a post like this before? (Illustration used: Facebook post criticizing dress codes as
shaming girls for their bodies saying we should instead teach boys girls are not sexual objects) It
represents the opinion of a lot of people regarding how men are attracted to women. Mens attraction
to women is built on nothing. All it takes is a look. When you ask men when they know they are in love,
the average response is by the third date. Its not that way for women. When you ask women when they
know they are in love, the average response is on the fourteenth date. Women are much slower to fall
in love than men and their love is driven by entirely different things.
So are men just shallow? As a society we tend to think love can only be driven by knowing the character
of the person. We can only love someones character. Love that is based on nothing more than sight can
only be lust.
Matthew 5:28
But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with
her already in his heart.
People like to characterize mens basic desire for women as nothing but lust. But not all desire is lust.
Lust is unlawful desire.
Romans 7:7
What shall we say then? Is the law sin? God forbid. Nay, I had not known sin, but by the law: for I had
not known lust, except the law had said, Thou shalt not covet.
Lust is coveting. And coveting is desire for something your have no right to. You covet your neighbors
house. You covet your neighbors wife. Thats why Matthew 5 says when a man looks after a woman to
lust after her he commits adultery with her because its talking about desiring another mans wife. But
desire can also be for something that is entirely appropriate. A man who desires his own wife is not
coveting or committing adultery. His desire is not lust. An unmarried man who desires his fianc also is
not lusting after her. He should desire her. His desire is not lust. A man looking at a woman and desiring
her is not inherently lust.
So mens desire is not necessarily sinful, but since it isnt based on character is it shallow?
Ezekiel 16:8
8 Now when I passed by thee, and looked upon thee, behold, thy time was the time of love; and I spread
my skirt over thee, and covered thy nakedness: yea, I sware unto thee, and entered into a covenant with
thee, saith the Lord God, and thou becamest mine.
How does God describe falling love with Israel? He walks by, looks at her and He begins to take care of
her and marries her. God fell in love like many men do, at first sight, based on nothing that Israel did. He
just loved her. Was that shallow?
Deuteronomy 7:7-8
7 The Lord did not set his love upon you, nor choose you, because ye were more in number than any
people; for ye were the fewest of all people:
8 But because the Lord loved you, and because he would keep the oath which he had sworn unto your
fathers,
Why did God fall in love? It wasnt because of anything Israel did. It wasnt because of her talents or her
character, or any great strength Israel had. Israel wasnt a good cook or a good mother. She wasnt much
good at all. In fact Israel was basically a faithless, good for nothing, whiner. God fell in love simply
because it was in Him to love her and the result is God sacrificed Himself for her. Gods love for us is not
based on our good character. If it were we would be earning our own salvation through works. Gods
love for His wife is not based on anything, but it also is not at all shallow. And God designed men to fall
in love the same way He did.
So why did God design men this way?
James 3:1
My brethren, be not many masters, knowing that we shall receive the greater condemnation.
God designed men to be the head of the family. They are master of their family and they are
accountable for it.
I Timothy 5:8
But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith,
and is worse than an infidel.
As the head of the family men take on a greater responsibility in marriage than women do. Equality does
not like that idea. In an equal partnership your value is tied to what you contribute, so men and women
today constantly argue about how much they contribute. This portrayal of women as working far more
than men comes out every year in various forms around Mothers Day. (Illustration used: Infographic
claiming stay at home mother should earn $119,000) It shows the resentment equality fosters. But it
isnt accurate at all. Actual surveys show men and women work about the same number of total hours
when you combine time in and out of the home. But the fact remains in a relationship men take on
greater responsibility than women do.
If a husband does not provide for his household he is worse than an infidel. The husband will have to
answer to God for what happens in his family. The wife will not. A husband takes on a greater
responsibility right here on earth as well. If a family doesnt have shoes for their kids, who do you
blame? People look at the husband and wonder why he wont work harder. No one blames the wife. The
husband is held more responsible for the well-being of the family than the wife is. When men say, I
do, they are taking on a far greater responsibility than a wife is.
So what drives a man to take on that responsibility? It is not an even exchange. If it werent for built in
desire, men would not marry. Without the attraction God put there men would be content to live in a
cave alone. As an equalitarian partnership, marriage is not a good deal for men. That idea may irritate an
equalitarian minded woman because she looks for her value by matching herself to the man, but a
womans value doesnt lie there. God did not design men and women as equals. He designed them
differently.
Its possible for a woman to understand a mans attraction even though were different.
When a mother gives birth, the moment she sees her baby she loves it. That love is based on nothing
other than a built in desire God gave women for babies. The baby can be anything. It can have the worst
character in the world. The baby can be selfish and lazy. It doesnt matter. The mother will love it on
sight based on nothing other than God given desire for that baby. Is that love shallow? No it isnt. In fact,
exactly because it is based on nothing it is the most selfless and noble love that can exist.
Now I know there are men who separate responsibility from relationships and that IS selfish and evil.
That comes from not believing in a headship role. But in general when a man is attracted to a woman,
what is the first thing that happens?
I Corinthians 13
4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
The first thing that happens when a man is attracted to a woman is his attitude toward her becomes
charitable. He becomes patient and kind to her. He tries his best to impress her. He buys her a drink or
takes her out to dinner or maybe buys her flowers. Men fall in love simply because God put a love of
women in them and that love is designed to spur self-sacrificial behavior in them. It triggers charity in
men. They immediately begin to give gifts. It is very much like the self-sacrifice a mother gives to her
child.
I know a lot of people find it hard to accept the idea mens natural desire is the foundation of selfless
love so let me give one more example. How many times have you heard about an elderly man dying and
leaving an inheritance to a struggling waitress? It actually happens quite a lot. If you search on google
theres a story this year and one last year and one the year before and in 2011 and 2010. There is a
notable example almost every year.
Ive heard people try to explain that by talking about how the waitress must have been especially kind
and paid attention to the man, as if she somehow earned the $75 million the man decided to pass on
this year. Im sure she was kind and attentive, but there are no stories of a rich man giving an
inheritance to a male waiter. It doesnt matter how kind and attentive a male waiter is to an elderly rich
man, the guy wont feel the same way. You also never hear about a woman dying and giving a waiter her
inheritance. That doesnt happen. That old man got absolutely nothing in return. His gift was utterly
selfless and it was the result of the natural attraction a man feels for a woman.
Now lets look at how women fall in love with men. Women are naturally attracted to men, but this
attraction does not trigger love in women. Think about what happens when a woman first meets a man.
If the man is attracted to a woman he naturally begins by giving gifts. He becomes more selfless. But the
woman doesnt do this. When a woman has a man come up to her at a bar she begins by being cautious.
Even if she is attracted to him she doesnt begin to give. Women can be very self-sacrificial, but they
dont begin a relationship that way. At the start of a relationship women dont buy things for men. They
dont become extra patient and kind when a man walks up to them to ask them out. In fact, women
tend to become more guarded than regular. Many even become expectant of the little gifts men give.
Attraction doesnt spur self-sacrificial love in women. Womens real love comes later.
I John 4:19
19 We love him, because he first loved us.
As the wife of God, what is our love for Him rooted in? We love Him, because He first loved us. Our love
for Him is built on faith in Him. He loves us and over time we come to trust Him and love Him because of
it. Thats the way a woman falls in love. Thats why it takes fourteen dates for her to fall in love. She has
to see the mans love for her and come to trust it before she falls in love herself. Thats also why so
many gifts flow from men to women. Every gift, every thoughtful thing a man does is reassurance of his
love. Women need these things because women build their love on those things.
God designed women to fall in love with the man who cares for them. And confirmation of that is found
once the relationship is consummated. God designed a womans biology to bind her to the man shes
with. She is designed to become his. Men are designed to love women and women are designed to
respond to that love. So ladies dont resent or belittle a mans natural love for a woman. It is that love
that is the foundation of marriage.
Now lets look at a complaint about women. Theyre too emotional. Its common to hear jokes about
women and pms. Society holds up the strong woman as the standard of what women should be. That
strong woman is always in control. Emotional women are thought of as weak.
We already talked about how women are built to be more emotional than men. Women have less
control over their lives than men do. Thats why women are more emotional.
Men tend to be less emotional in general, (Illustration used: News headline Michigan man refuses to
stop road trip when girlfriend dies, drives cross-country with corpse) but think about men when they
are in the same position as women. Union workers are under authority just like women. They are
generally men, but how do they act? Union workers tend to act very emotionally. They are frequently
irrational and demanding. As believers in Christ, we are all full of fear and doubt, including men. When
men fall in love its emotionally driven, not logical. Why? Because men are not in control when they fall
in love. When men fill the other side of the one flesh relationship they act very much like women. Its
not hard to understand womens emotionalism at all.
And men certainly shouldnt resent it. God designed women to be this way. He did it for a reason. Ask
yourself this: what is the purpose of women?
Romans 1
26 For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural
use into that which is against nature:
27 And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward
another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence
of their error which was meet.
What is the natural use of women? Most people immediately think of child-bearing, but that isnt
correct. Marriage still has purpose even after menopause. A woman still fills a purpose if she cannot
bear children. Genesis tells us it is not good for man to be alone. What is a man like without a woman? A
bachelor doesnt care if he lives in a cave. He doesnt care about much of anything. A man on his own
has little purpose.
Women are full of wants and emotions. Men basically only want one thing: women. Look at a mans
wardrobe and youll see a couple pair of tennis shoes and a pair of dress shoes. Look in a womans closet
and youll see a specific pair of shoes that are only worn with her red dress on cold evenings along with
all the dozens of other pairs that fit every other situation. A bachelor can be content with two plates
one for him and one for company. Its not unusual for a woman to have a set of fine china kept in her
hope chest. Women in American account for 2/3 of all spending twice as much as men.
Civilization was built by men. Men build the roads. Men build the homes. Men man the armies to defend
it and the farms to feed it. Men built civilization. But they built it for women. Without women,
civilization would never have been built. Without women, men wouldnt do much of anything. Women
are the natural inspiration of civilization.
Women are the natural inspiration of almost everything. Advertising uses women far more than men
and even when it uses men they are in far less demand. The highest paid female model makes 50 times
what the highest paid male model makes. And that is in all advertising clothes, cars, food, toys,
everything is advertised primarily by women. Advertisers use women because people respond to them
more than they do to men. We want to do things for women. The face of Helen of Troy launched a
thousand ships and the smiling face of women today cause us to buy things every day. They are
designed by God to inspire others. The natural use of women is purpose.
Think about Israel and her purpose with God. What does God want from Israel? He devoted Himself to
saving her, protecting her, and providing for her. What does He want in return? What is God doing it all
for? He does it for our worship. He wants our praise and admiration. He wants our trust. He wants our
respect and our love. God wants our emotions.
Deuteronomy 4:33-35
33 Did ever people hear the voice of God speaking out of the midst of the fire, as thou hast heard, and
live?
34 Or hath God assayed to go and take him a nation from the midst of another nation, by temptations,
by signs, and by wonders, and by war, and by a mighty hand, and by a stretched out arm, and by great
terrors, according to all that the Lord your God did for you in Egypt before your eyes?
35 Unto thee it was shewed, that thou mightest know that the Lord he is God; there is none else beside
him.
God was trying to impress Israel when He delivered her out of Egypt. He did it specifically so we would
admire and appreciate Him.
1 Corinthians 13
13 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as
sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.
2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I
have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.
3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have
not charity, it profiteth me nothing.
Emotions are important. Men tend to dismiss emotions as unnecessary trouble, but they should realize
the value of emotions. You can understand everything, have everything figured out, but without the
emotion of love it all means nothing. Think about the value of faith. Your righteousness, your doctrine,
your good works are meaningless without faith. Faith, or trust, is an emotion. If we think of emotions as
valueless we miss the value of faith. Emotions are not just important, they are the goal, the treasure.
And thats exactly what a man wants from a woman whether he consciously realizes it or not. When a
man is attracted to a woman he naturally wants her respect and admiration. He wants her trust. He
wants her love. He wants her emotions. Men complain about womens emotions but they shouldnt.
Those emotions are the reward men receive. It is womens emotions that drive men to accomplish.
Without them men would be purposeless. Women are natures muse. God designed His own wife to
give Himself someone to love. God made Israel to give Him purpose.
Lets look at one more common complaint. Heres another one of those Facebook posts. (Illustration
used) Dr. Laura Schlesinger says this, Its a mans job to respect women, but its a womans job to give
him something to respect. Thats a complaint directed at both sexes. Its criticizing men for not
respecting women and criticizing women for not governing themselves.
People love that quote. Dr. Laura is considered an authority on marriage and relationships by most of
Christian America. The problem is that statement is exactly wrong. It is the exact opposite of Biblical
truth. And it is the beliefs behind that sentiment that have led to the chaos and resentment in modern
marriage relationships.
It is NOT a mans job to respect women. And it is NOT a womans job to make herself respectable.
How can I say that?
Authority does not owe blanket respect to those subject to authority. The subject owes respect to
authority, but authority does not owe respect to its subjects. For example, a child owes respect to his
parents, but the parents do not owe respect to the child. If the child decides he doesnt want to do his
chores, the parent doesnt owe respect to the childs wishes. If the child decides he wants to become a
drug dealer and move in with his girlfriend, the parent does not owe respect to the childs decisions.
A parent must correct a child. Correction is inherently disrespectful. When we say men owe respect to
women we are saying men do not occupy a position of authority over women. When we say women are
responsible for governing themselves we are denying they are subject to their husbands. That is the
basis of Dr. Lauras statement: equality. Equality denies a husbands authority. It denies he is the head
and his wife is the body. Equality denies the one flesh relationship God designed.
Have you ever looked closely at Gods relationship with Israel? Did God respect His wife? He loves her
with all His being, to the point He willingly died for her. But He didnt respect her.
Jeremiah 3
2 Lift up thine eyes unto the high places, and see where thou hast not been lien with. In the ways hast
thou sat for them, as the Arabian in the wilderness; and thou hast polluted the land with thy
whoredoms and with thy wickedness.
And verse 6

6
The LORD said also unto me in the days of Josiah the king, Hast thou seen that which backsliding Israel
hath done? she is gone up upon every high mountain and under every green tree, and there hath played
the harlot.
7
And I said after she had done all these things, Turn thou unto me. But she returned not. And her
treacherous sister Judah saw it.
8
And I saw, when for all the causes whereby backsliding Israel committed adultery I had put her away,
and given her a bill of divorce; yet her treacherous sister Judah feared not, but went and played the
harlot also.
9
And it came to pass through the lightness of her whoredom, that she defiled the land, and committed
adultery with stones and with stocks.
10
And yet for all this her treacherous sister Judah hath not turned unto me with her whole heart, but
feignedly, saith the LORD.
God uses some pretty disrespectful language to describe His wife. Any man who talked to his wife like
God talked to His wife would be called disrespectful. God is the perfect man, but He apparently does not
believe it is a mans job to respect women.
Look at Ezekiel 16:3-14
3 And say, Thus saith the Lord God unto Jerusalem; Thy birth and thy nativity is of the land of Canaan;
thy father was an Amorite, and thy mother an Hittite.
4 And as for thy nativity, in the day thou wast born thy navel was not cut, neither wast thou washed in
water to supple thee; thou wast not salted at all, nor swaddled at all.
5 None eye pitied thee, to do any of these unto thee, to have compassion upon thee; but thou wast cast
out in the open field, to the lothing of thy person, in the day that thou wast born.
6 And when I passed by thee, and saw thee polluted in thine own blood, I said unto thee when thou
wast in thy blood, Live; yea, I said unto thee when thou wast in thy blood, Live.
God is talking to Judah. He describes her as loathsome and utterly disrespected. God did not respect His
wife. And look at the next verses.
7 I have caused thee to multiply as the bud of the field, and thou hast increased and waxen great, and
thou art come to excellent ornaments: thy breasts are fashioned, and thine hair is grown, whereas thou
wast naked and bare.
8 Now when I passed by thee, and looked upon thee, behold, thy time was the time of love; and I spread
my skirt over thee, and covered thy nakedness: yea, I sware unto thee, and entered into a covenant with
thee, saith the Lord God, and thou becamest mine.
9 Then washed I thee with water; yea, I throughly washed away thy blood from thee, and I anointed
thee with oil.
10 I clothed thee also with broidered work, and shod thee with badgers' skin, and I girded thee about
with fine linen, and I covered thee with silk.
11 I decked thee also with ornaments, and I put bracelets upon thy hands, and a chain on thy neck.
12 And I put a jewel on thy forehead, and earrings in thine ears, and a beautiful crown upon thine head.
Did you see how many times God says I did this and I did that for Israel. And look what it results in:
13 Thus wast thou decked with gold and silver; and thy raiment was of fine linen, and silk, and broidered
work; thou didst eat fine flour, and honey, and oil: and thou wast exceeding beautiful, and thou didst
prosper into a kingdom.
14 And thy renown went forth among the heathen for thy beauty: for it was perfect through my
comeliness, which I had put upon thee, saith the Lord God.
Israel became respectable. But who made her respectable? God made her respectable. Israel didnt do
it. God saw it as His job, not hers.
Equality preaches the woman should govern herself. She should make herself respectable. Its not his
job. But the fact is thats not how were designed and thats not the roles God created us to fill.
Matthew 6:24
No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to
the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.
A body cannot serve two different masters. There can be only one head in any body. A family is a body
and it can have only one master. Thats why Gods Word tells us women shouldnt take positions of
authority in the church. Whos in charge if theres a female pastor? Is she in charge or her husband?
Theres confusion. There is no clear head. In a family if both the man and the womans wishes are to be
equally respected, whos in charge?
There can be only one head in any body and God designed the man to fill that role. And even when hes
not the perfect fulfilment of it, it is confusion to discard that pattern. A husband can certainly respect his
wife, but it is not his obligation to respect her. It is his obligation to love her.
And his role of love means he is to provide, protect, and lead her. That means he may have to correct
her. He cant do that if his job is to always respect her. Her job is to respect him, to respect his guidance,
to allow him to shape her. That requires respect.
Remember Ephesians 5 instructions to husbands to love their wives like Christ loves the church. It tells
the wife to reverence her husband.
Verse 33:
33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that
she reverence her husband.
It tells us the job of the man is to love his wife and the job of the wife is to reverence, or respect, her
husband.
And realize these are different things. Love and respect are different things. And this is not just
semantics. A man and a woman have different obligations to each other. They do not owe the same
things to each other.
And the beauty of Gods design is this: If she respects and defers to him that causes him to love her all
the more. She is his. She is valuable to him. She is his helpmeet. She is one flesh with him and no man
has ever hated his own flesh.
And vice-versa: when he loves her, when he protects her, when he devotes himself to her good, respect
naturally grows in her toward him. Gods design creates a virtuous cycle.
Equality on the other hand creates only resentment. A woman who expects equal respect does not
serve her husband. She is not a helpmeet. She wont appreciate or respect him either because she
believes she is working just as hard as him, she is helping to make every decision. Exactly what men
want from women their respect and admiration equalitarian women wont give. Instead of love the
man grows to resent the unequal responsibility a woman represents.
And the equalitarian man sees himself owing no more responsibility to her than she does to him. He
doesnt protect her. He doesnt sacrifice for her. He doesnt love her. He is told good men dont take
headship, so men are left with desire that is no longer connected to responsibility. Womens love is built
on that responsibility so women end up resenting men instead of loving them.
The equal relationship is an equal exchange. It isnt sacrifice and responsibility. It isnt love and respect.
And it destroys the one flesh relationship God designed.
But when we understand the one flesh relationship and the roles God created men and women to fill in
that relationship; we can understand, respect, and appreciate the men and women in our lives.