It has been 6 years since the last Christmas letter and it is time for another one.

One reason being that

much has happened in those 6 years and the other being that one of you specifically asked me to write
one again (you know who you are Victor).
Some of what follows will surprise or even shock you. That is not the intent. I simply, as always, want to
share with you my experience in the hope that it may make a difference for even just a single one of you
and that you dont end up making some of the mistakes that I have made. And if you do get shocked or
disappointed, keep reading, there are good things at the end!
The quick version is that sometime in the 2007 2009 time period I broke down as a person. I stumbled
in life in a way that I could never have imagined but I guess that has to be by definition always the case
we never see the big bad things coming.
Somebody said that we men are so stupid in the way that we think we can do everything. Anything less
would not be manly and we never know when we are at 95% of what we can take. We think that
because we are men, we must be able to handle everything thrown at us. What ends up happening is
what I compared to juggling chainsaws we have 3 of them up in the air and we keep adding the next
one and the next one. By the time we add the 7
th
, the whole things comes crashing down in a total
disaster, limbs flying and carnage everywhere. Had we known where our limit was and stopped at 6 the
worst could have been avoided.
The best I am able to reconstruct, what happened was that there was a confluence of several things
which impacted me all at same time in different negative ways. Had it been only two or three issues at a
time I would have probably been OK as I always before. But four things (at least) combined were just
more than I could handle. Now I know that but did not know it then.
The first blow was that in September of 2007 Marko left for college. That was for me like a mule kick in
the head emotionally. I had no idea what it would be like and was not prepared for it but then again, as
when they are born, you cant really prepare for something like that with your children. You watch
them from when they are babies; you go through the golden years from age 8 to about 12. Then
when they are teenagers you see them for a minute or two at a time when they emerge from their room
to get some orange juice from the fridge and grunt something. And then they are gone and its just a
terrible void.
During the same week that Marko left for college my sister-in-law committed suicide.
Just about at that time the seeds of what ended up being the Global Financial Crisis were starting to
emerge and as things progressed over the next couple of years the value of many of my investments
dropped (as was the case for everyone) but more significantly, the sense of uncertainty and there being
no end to it was scary. Anyone who says that towards the end of 2008 they were not scared is lying.
During the same period of time a company I invested in and believed in was failing. It was my
wastewater treatment technology company and for a while I continued to support it financially but also
put all of my effort into trying to save it but could not. I finally had to pull the plug in February of 2009
having lost quite a bit of money but even more importantly, I now realize it was just about the first thing
ever that I really tried very hard to make work and was not successful at it.
The Russian financial crisis of 1998 made a mockery of our earlier stellar efforts but things bounced back
and I can be exceedingly proud to this day of what we did. We truly made history. NewspaperDirect, the
internet business I founded, almost went bankrupt in 2001 but by the end of that year we raised $5
Million at a valuation of $12 Million and when I sold my last piece of the business it was at a valuation of
over $30 Million so I not only manage to salvage it but it turned into a significant success. It is still
around any many thousands or tens of thousands of readers around the world are reading their favorite
newspaper not having a clue who made it possible. Many have said many a time that my personal
contribution made perhaps a critical difference between demise and survival and eventual prosperity of
NewspaperDirect.
I tried everything I knew how and I could not save the wastewater treatment company. Of course, in a
typically manly way I both had nobody to talk to about it and was also lying about how bad the
situation was and how much money was being lost.
Finally, and possibly most importantly, it was during that time of 2009 that Demi was applying to
colleges and this ended up being a hugely stressful time for the family. She felt a lot of stress after
Marko got into Wharton and with her mother having graduated from Harvard and me from Yale she put
enormous pressure on herself. It did not help one bit that her mother and I disagreed over the process
where I was enormously confident of Demis eventual success while her mother was pressuring her
while at the same time steering her to some less demanding colleges which expressed lack of confidence
in Demis abilities.
There were also some other smaller issues around Demis being a teenager that affected me more than
they should have but anything related to Demi just gets to me straight where it hurts. And here was my
child, in more pain emotionally than I have ever seen her in and I was powerless to help her.
As all those clouds gathered, I had no friends to speak of and kept trying to do the Superman routine of
being everything to everyone. Threads were slowly coming apart unstoppably and I was gradually losing
my mind and my ability to keep things moving. As you know from previous letters, Ive always suffered
from anxiety and you can probably imagine what levels it reached as my business was failing, I was
losing considerable chunks of my Net Worth and my daughter was suffering enormous stress right in
front of my eyes and I could not do anything to protect her from that.
I could not get a good nights sleep for weeks if not months. One day in February of 2009 I went to my
doctor complaining of exhaustion and chronic insomnia. He examined me and sent me immediately to
the Emergency Room at the principal Vancouver hospital because there they could do a complete work
up right away.
At 9 p.m. I was lying on a gurney in the hallway (overcrowding of regular exam rooms) in the ER and the
guy next to me had leg cuffs on tying him to his gurney as he was involved in a shooting. I was admitted
with exhaustion and effects of insomnia which later turned out to be simply effects of months long self-
medication with alcohol for anxiety and insomnia. You could say it was a low point.
For 48 years of my life I was not an alcoholic, I am sure of that now that I know a lot about it and then I
became one. (By the way, I am aware of all the medical and other definitions of addiction but have come
up with my own if through your addiction you have hurt people you love, you are an addict). My kids
have seen me drunk in the middle of the day and it wasnt even from the night before. I have failed in
ways that were most important to me.
Back to how it all happened, as best I can reconstruct it.
Initially, I would drink to be able to fall asleep after the house got quiet. Then I would drink at 3 a.m.
because I was awake at 3 a.m. and without it, I would have stayed awake through the night. I have no
idea how much I was drinking because I was not keeping track but most likely gradually more and more.
When my liver function tests were done at the hospital, reading for one of them where the Normal
range is 15 80, for me was 1,620. OK so maybe the test has a margin of error of 10% but that is
3,200% over normal. When initially examined by my doctor there were massive bruises on my ribs and
legs which I had no recollection of how they got there.
How does one come back from that?
With great difficulty. It was by far the most difficult thing that I have ever had to do and I will never be
so arrogant as to think that it could never happen again.
I started by trying to understand my problem. Figure out analytically what it is, how it works. Why isnt
there a pill one can take for it? I mean, there are medications for a million things from blood thinners to
pimples to how not to have a baby even after one had been conceived and yet nobody has made a pill
for a disease which in terms of lost hours of work, ruined relationships and simple hurt inflicted on those
around us is arguably the single most costly disease out there!
Quite on the contrary, not only is this disease not receiving the same degree of scorn as smoking, for
example there is actually glorification of alcohol everywhere you go. The advertising images are that
if you want a yacht, you better be drinking Grey Goose. From Ironiya Sudbi to any current movie or TV
show, drunkenness is associated with having fun.
So not having found a pill, I looked at what people do when in such a predicament. One is Alcoholics
Anonymous and one evening in July (remember, my hospital visit was in February so it took me that long
to take that step) I stopped by for an AA meeting at a local church. I knew after that first meeting that
this would not work for me as their approach is that we as individuals are weak and unworthy and that
the only way we can ever stop being addicts is through the intervention of a higher power. We first
admit to ourselves that we are worthless and then in step 9 or 11 the higher power emerges to help us.
Hopefully. And all that with lots of God thrown in kind of sideways.
There was a gentleman at th meeting who was this hulky, shaved head fireman with a British accent
who was now on his 7
th
attempt to stop drinking and his first one was in 1989 in London. He said
something to the effect of a couple of times I got all the way to step 9 but then I just cant get that
higher being coming to my aid step accomplished.
So I Googled alternatives on the assumption that I cant be that special and that there must be others
like me and sure enough - I came across several including SMART. An approach that sees addiction as an
illness, one that has its medical, psychological and social components. It proceeds then to treat it with
cognitive behavioral therapy.
Over time groups have been established in various places around the world and much work has been
done on the principles and methods of coping with the underlying causes of addiction as well as its
manifestations. The website is www.smartrecovery.org . (SMART stands for Self Management And
Recovery Training) If you or anyone you know needs help, go to the website, download the booklet.
Read every page of it many times. Find a group if there is one near you. It may save your life.
I will not try to repeat much of it here. It starts by simply stating that you need to have a motivation for
sobriety or in other words, figure out why is it worth staying sober. Once you ask that question, it is
really not as simple as one would expect. What all you are damaging or ruining by not being sober. What
would you gain by not being sober (and if one is honest, there are good sides to just being
anesthetised).
"Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life."
-George Bernard Shaw
Once you know why you want to stay sober, how do you get there? How do you actually stop and not
do some of those things that you used to do? Long story but it starts with emotions it was always the
emotions that made you drink or use sad, angry, scared, lonely. If you can understand how those
emotions arise (hint: thoughts) then you will be able to moderate them and deal with them better. I will
even quote from Eat, Pray, Love You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way
you select your clothes every day
The group I was a part of was almost comical in its composition a 70 year old Asian woman; a lesbian
woman in her 20es full of piercings and tattoos; a man in his 80es who worked on ships all his life; a 40
year old single mother grossly overweight; a young Asian woman who in the early sessions weighed less
than 70 pounds (35 kg) and was not even 20 year old, came to the sessions from the hospital on a pass
from the psychiatric ward; a young handsome man working as a bartender; a man in his 30es who was a
broker; and me, Master of the Universe, Yale Grad. And the thing was, as we started talking, we were
finishing each others sentences. We knew exactly what the other meant when they mentioned
reaching for the Fuck It Switch. Or when Kim came up with the song Obliteration and when she
coined the term schwirl. Or when I said that an addict is a person who has a solution and is just
looking for a problem to apply it to.
Not sure how much of the next 2 years I really want to talk about. When it is said that, on average,
addicts have 3 relapses well, that is true. Why? Nobody knows but it just works out that way.
There was the Sunday afternoon in July when I was found at the edge of the woods across the street
from my house with my dog watching over me and trying to keep ambulance people away from me. I
guess I was responsible enough to know that I needed to walk the dog but not responsible enough to
remain upright on my feet. Probably the most excitement that neighbourhood has seen in years as both
the ambulance and the Fire truck came out.
There were times when food had to be fed to me because my hands were shaking too much or times
when I could not log into my computer because my hands were shaking so much that my fingers kept
missing the right keys. Or 4 or 5 attempts to fill out and sign the customs form at an airport as it was too
long of a break in between bars.
But, with two steps forward and one step backward, I did manage to get back. Or make a huge
amount of progress at the very least. I will never say that it could not happen again or that I am fully
back but, for example, medically my liver was completely fine within 4 months and was again earlier this
year in tests which I will talk about below.
What did all of that make me think about? First of all, it loaded me up with shame and guilt towards my
children that can never be extinguished but have to be carried.
Somebody said It is not a measure of a man whether he stumbles; it is a measure of a man whether he
gets up. I have always told my kids Its not what you do, its what you do after that matters. While I
would give anything to take back all that has happened, because that is not possible, searching for silver
lining in all of it is all I can do. And in that I figured that maybe it is not a completely useless example to
give your kids to show them that no matter how monumentally you have screwed up, you can always
come back. You can always, if not make up for it then stand as tall as you can and say if I could do this,
remember, when shit hits the fan and some always will, you most certainly can do it and just try and to
do better than I did.
Not having any other choice I am almost OK with having given that example to my kids.
Earlier this year I turned 50. In part to alleviate Demis concerns about how EXACTLY I was doing as she
was now away at college and had no way to know that by looking at me every day as was the case for
the previous 18 years, I went for a full physical and got the blood work done. After all, liver tests dont
lie.
My Dr. asked me to come back a few days later and my liver was indeed fine the one test that I refer
to above where the normal range is 15 80 was at 47. So far so good, but then he told me I was pre-
diabetic!
What that means is that my blood sugar levels were elevated and that without medication or some
other changes it was just a matter of time before I was fully a diabetic.
That was kind of a bummer as I did not feel bad at all about turning 50 until then and I knew I was in
decent health. So I was kind of upset for a few days but by the next visit I told him that given that
everyone always says nutrition and exercise make all the difference, what if I try to see what I can do for
the next 3 months and then we can get back to talking about medication.
He said OK and I started at around 195 lbs which is not too bad for my height and up to that point I
worked out by mostly running 2-3 times a week for about 25-30 minutes and burning 300 calories or so.
Being who I am, meaning stubborn and rather simple minded, I thought Id starve myself to health. So
for a couple of weeks I had only salads and fruit and while I did lose some weight I felt hungry all the
time, miserable because of it and had no energy. Seeing that this was not working all too well I did more
research and a very helpful thing I came across (actually my son suggested it to me) was a book The 4-
Hour Body.
Again, I wont repeat everything that is in the book or what I did but I will share a few simple takeaways.
If you are hungry, eat some protein. Stop eating processed grains bread, past and also rice.
Psychologically, stop referring to meals as lunch or dinner as that immediately is associated with certain
kind of food and one has a sense of missing out if for dinner one did not have a big mean. I started
eating when I was hungry and made sure to eat some protein and vegetables of various kinds. I just
called them meals whatever time of the day they are. Also psychologically but important in terms of
metabolism as well, have one cheat day a week when you eat as much of anything that you want
have a pizza AND pasta and a desert and repeat if you feel like it. Take appropriate nutritional
supplements and up your exercise. Dont have things around the house that in the moment of weakness
at 10 p.m. you wont be able to resist (the book calls them domino foods because its impossible to eat
just a little of them).
What are the results? I am now at 170 pounds but that is with at least 10 pounds of new muscle mass so
I lost 35 pounds of fat. Even more importantly, my blood sugar levels are back to the normal levels and I
have not been sick, not even a cold the entire year. (Previously, I would have a couple of colds every
year and also stupid small things like stretch out my neck while drying off with a towel and then I could
not turn my head for a few days. None of that or small aches and pains has happened in a year.)
I am no longer trying to lose weight so my diet is not as drastic as before and I only make sure that the
portions are reasonable and ingredients are healthy (no bread or pasta other than on a cheat day, red
meat maybe once in a couple of weeks, lots of fish and chicken, lots of leafy vegetables and beans). I
work out 4-5 times a week for a full hour at high intensity burning over 800 calories. Try it; its not easy
at all to do. I almost have abs for the first time in my life and the last pair of jeans I bought were size 33
and I was wearing size 34 Wrangler jeans even when I was 17. I still distinctly remember that as it was a
big deal to have Wrangler jeans at that time in Jugoslavia.
So at the beginning of the 3rd period (and what I mean by that refer to my blog posting
http://mhorvat.blogspot.com/ ) of my life I am in better physical shape than ever, I would like to think
that I am wiser and feel lucky to have dodged a bullet. My work is fulfilling and interesting and people
value my contribution AND it makes good money.
To add to the optimism, and to end on the right note, I believe that the kids are all right.
Marko, after graduating from Wharton this year is working at a boutique Wall Street firm and is dead set
on becoming the most successful he can be at that (and make the most money while doing it). He is
doing it with determination, hard work and excellence and I am OK with that. I can detect a little bit of
similarity to a certain somebody, in fact, of 25 years ago.
Demi is a sophomore at Yale having by all appearances exactly the kind of college experience that all of
us can only wish we had. The traumatic college application process resulted in a rate of achievement
that I have never heard of as she got into Princeton, Columbia, Stanford and a number of other schools
in addition to Yale and made her final decision to go to Yale over Stanford.
She is taking courses as varied as medical ethics or microeconomics or history of Islam and enjoying it all
as her intellect goes on a spurt. Earlier this year, I treated her and a classmate of hers to Spring Break in
Hawaii and it was enormously gratifying to see two young women who while they are aware of their
appearance, have this certain confidence and knowledge that because of the age we are in and because
of where they are they could one day be President, no matter how pretty they are.
All of this took me several weeks to write and I have switched a few times back and forth over whether I
will ever send it out or not. If you are reading it that means I have followed the principle laid out at the
beginning perhaps it can make a little bit of difference even to one person.
I wish you all a prosperous and healthy 2012 and happiness will come along as well. One of my New
Years Resolutions is to figure out how to make it to the next reunion and in fact I may take some
initiative on that in order to plan it way in advance, my goal is to communicate something by March or
April to all of you.
Be well
Miljenko