2.

On The Outside Looking In

"Hadley, you little bitch!" My eldest sister CeeCee's shriek was loud
enough to shatter glass.
I had been lying in my bed for the past half-hour, feeling nerous
about my first day at !hornton. "ow, I sat up, safely ens#on#ed in my
room as my family started another one of their fights. !hose
meaningless, pointless fights that had now be#ome almost as regular
as brushing my teeth.
"Screw you," Hadley, my stepsister, spat ba#k defiantly.
"$irls, please%&ust #alm down%" My stepmother 'nn's tired oi#e &ust
#ouldn't mat#h the olume of their shouts.
"(ho the hell do you think you are)" CeeCee demanded of Hadley.
"(alking around my *ad's house like you own it)"
"+ou *ad's married to my mother, whore!" Hadley raised her oi#e
een further, refusing to ba#k down.
"*on't #all your sister a whore%" 'nn's oi#e dropped almost to a
whisper.
"Stepsister!" Hadley and CeeCee rounded on her together. 't least
they agreed about something.
,ri#a, Hadley's little sister, #himed in. "!his is our house, too!"
"+eah," Hadley said, sounding smug. "+our *ad's s#rewing our Mom,
(ard. (e hae rights here!"
-n#e upon a time, I'd been glad that my family was one of the
weirdest in Manhattan. Haing a gay artist dad run away to .ermont,
like /a#hael did, was #ommon enough. 0ut haing a billion
stepsiblings you a#tually liked) "ot so mu#h. My mom had died when
I was about two. I had met 'nn three years later, when my father
started dating again, and I'd loed her immediately. I was thrilled when
she married *ad 1 and so had been CeeCee and Mi#hael, my brother
1 een though she'd #ome with three kids of her own. (e'd be#ome a
large and #ra2y, but in#redibly happy, family.
CeeCee was the eldest 1 she was nineteen and had &ust finished her
freshman year at "+3. (ith her silky blond hair and green eyes, she'd
been the 4rom 5ueen of (odehouse High. 'nn's daughter, Hadley,
was eighteen, and on#e upon a time, she and CeeCee had adored
ea#h other, een though they'd been ea#h other's opposites in eery
way. !here was seenteen-year-old Mi#hael, done with his &unior year
of high s#hool. 'fter him, there was me, and after me, there were the
twins 1 blond, dark-eyed, twele-year-old ,ri# and ,ri#a. "eil, who
was &ust fie, was the youngest. I'd always thought he was what kept
our family together. "ow, I wished that hadn't been true.
"You don't have a right to smoke pot in my bathroom, you dyke!"
CeeCee yelled. I win#ed, imagining Hadley's outraged fa#e 1 she did
hae a girlfriend, and she'd dropped out of s#hool her &unior year to
work in a musi# store in 5ueen's, but it had neer been a bone of
#ontention between her and my family before 1 it had neer been an
issue. !here was a thud as her foot #onne#ted with the bathroom
door.
"Who's smoking pot?!" My *ad's earth-shattering roar from his study
stopped CeeCee, Hadley, and 'nn in their tra#ks for a se#ond. 0ut
nothing and nobody #ould stop Hadley for long anymore, een though
my father had on#e been able to.
"6u#k you!" she s#reamed, and I heard the sound of something being
thrown against the wall.
"Hadley, put that slipper down," *ad #ommanded. 6rom whi#h I
dedu#ed that Hadley had pi#ked up something else to throw at the
wall.
"-r what)" Hadley said sneeringly.
"+ou're not being rebellious, if that's what you're imagining, Hadley,"
said *ad sternly. "+ou are being e7tremely #hildish."
"Fuck you!" Hadley s#reamed again. "+ou, too, Mom!"
"-h, 6rank%" 'nn's oi#e trailed off helplessly.
"$-**'MMI!, '""!" *ad e7ploded. "Can't you learn to #ontrol your
kids)"
!he entire house shook from the for#e of three doors slamming
#olle#tiely.
I sat ery still on my bed, fro2en. (e had worked so hard to be a
family. How had things #hanged so mu#h) (hy were we falling apart)
*ad had promised that moing to 8inbury would be a fresh start for
us, that it would gie time a #han#e to heal the gap in our lies. 0ut
that wasn't what was happening. (hat was happening was that things
were a#tually getting worse.
9omehow, the idea of s#hool didn't seem so bad anymore. 't least I
wouldn't be spending the days wat#hing and listening to my family
fight. !o Hadley throwing beer bottles at CeeCee, to CeeCee throwing
words at Hadley that somehow seemed to me to be een more hurtful.
I didn't een want to hope for things to get better anymore 1 it was &ust
too disappointing.
I remembered an eening ba#k in Manhattan, before the summer had
started. It had been 'nn's birthday, and "eil had stolen ,ri#a's &ournal
and hidden under the liing room #ou#h with it, refusing to #ome out.
!hen Hadley, bold, sar#asti#, loing Hadley, a dramati# figure in her
bla#k /amones t-shirt and #ra2y orange-and-pink tights, her green-
and-purple hair a &arring #ontrast to the rest of her #lothes, had
walt2ed in and managed to e7tra#t "eil from under the #ou#h, return
,ri#a's &ournal, and restore #alm to the house. 'fter that, we'd gone for
i#e-#ream and a romanti# #omedy and talked and laughed for hours,
all of us. !hose days seemed so far away now, the time when we'd
a#tually liked ea#h other, and done ni#e things for ea#h other. "ow all
I eer did was wat#h eeryone #hange #ompletely and try to stop
Hadley from drinking too mu#h.
"Can you believe her)" CeeCee muttered furiously, tossing her blond
hair oer one shoulder as she strode into my room and sank into my
bed. "I mean, &ust be#ause she's a fu#ked-up lesbian bit#h. (hy the
hell did I een #ome home, 9ummer) (hy didn't I &ust stay in "+3 for
the summer)"
I shrugged, not wanting to argue with her. "Maybe you should go ba#k,
CeeCee."
"-h, so you want me to go ba#k now)"
I shook my head. "-f #ourse not."
"+ou know what) !hat's a#tually a brilliant idea. I should go ba#k to
Manhattan." 9he pulled her "+3 t-shirt oer her head and flung it into
her open suit#ase. "ormally, on a#ations she shared a room with
'nn, but this summer, for obious reasons, she was sharing mine. "I'll
#rash with :ate for the summer. Maybe een for my life. It's got to be
a hell of a lot better than home sweet home, right)"
I tried to smile. "9ure."
CeeCee drew her knees up to her #hin. "+ou want a ride to work)"
""o work today," I reminded her. "'t least, not till the eening. I hae
s#hool, remember)"
"Right," CeeCee re#alled. "+our first day at that fan#y new s#hool. I
neer did #ongratulate you for getting in, did I)"
I sat ba#k on my bed. CeeCee had been one of the prettiest, most
popular girls in (oodhouse High. Cheerleader, Home#oming
4rin#ess, 4rom 5ueen, 9he of a !housand 'thleti# (ould-0e-0rokers
0oyfriends%you know the drill. ,eryone had been surprised when
she'd de#ided to go to "+3, whi#h was kind of an alternatie s#hool.
Maybe she'd know how to deal with the people at !hornton. "I wish I
hadn't gotten in. CeeCee, it's got really su#ky mean kids, and I hae
no idea how to deal with 1 "
CeeCee #ut me off by dropping on my pillows with a dramati# sigh.
"My life is so horrible right now. I really #an't listen to you going on
about yours, okay) I won't be able to #on#entrate, and what's the
point of listening if I #an't do that) 8ook, I'll drop you off be#ause your
s#hool is on the way to the highway anyway, right) !hen I'll &ust drie
off. I'm sure :ate will take me in 1 she wouldn't een be married to
/uss right now if I hadn't hooked them up. $et into your uniform in
three se#onds and I'll take you. +ou #all me when I'm in Manhattan to
talk."
I bit my lip. I trusted CeeCee, and I wanted to #onfide in her, but it
didn't seem like she wanted to listen. (hat #ould I do but agree)
"9ure, CeeCee," I said softly.
3nlike on that sleepy 'ugust morning four weeks ago, the s#hool gate
was wide open when I s#rambled out of CeeCee's #ar, and boys in
their bla#k pants and white shirts and girls in their tuni#s and shirts
milled around, making out, talking about their a#ations in ,urope and
'sia, laughing, and hugging. I wat#hed as a guy lifted a girl on his
ba#k and stumbled around as she whooped, then as a gaggle of
laughing girls with 6ren#h mani#ures whispered and pointed at a
good-looking guy in a la#rosse uniform. 9tanding in the #rowd, on the
outside looking in, I felt lonelier than I'd eer felt before.
'nd intimidated. ,a#h and eery student on the grounds, besides
being impe##ably groomed, tanned, and supplied with designer
ba#kpa#ks, looked like they belonged on a runway in 4aris. In other
words, they were all drop-dead gorgeous. It seemed as if one of the
re;uirements for getting into !hornton was looking like models and
moie stars. ' re;uirement I didn't fulfill, be#ause when Hadley had
seen me in my s#hool uniform of a bla#k tuni#, white shirt, and bla#k
boots that morning, she'd sniggered and made a snide remark along
the lines of, "+ou forgot your potatoes, human eggie bag," from whi#h
I'd #on#luded that it looked like a sa#k#loth on me.
"!hinking you don't belong)" a oi#e purred softly from my right.
I turned my head. /o7anne Cartwright, in all her power-filled glory with
her uniform fitting her like a #ondom and eery in#h of her fa#e and
body flawless, was standing there with a smug smile on her glossy
mouth.
"/o7anne," I said eenly. My mouth felt slightly dry, but I refused to
display fear.
"It's Miss Cartwright to you," /o7anne said sweetly. "!hat's what all
the losers #all me. -nly my friends and e;uals #all me /o7anne."
I #rossed my arms oer my #hest, sub#ons#iously registering how
small my boobs were #ompared to /o7anne's perfe#t C-#ups. "I see."
"9o." /o7anne flipped her silky dark hair oer her shoulder, her smirk
growing wider. "*id you hae fun at our end-of-summer reunion,
9ummer) *id the s;uirrels and trees gie you good food) (as the
empty air good #ompany)"
"/o7anne, babe!" ' tall, impossibly handsome guy with #ropped blond
hair and blue eyes #ame running up to swing her off the ground. He
kissed her hard, still holding her up in the air. "*id you miss me)"
"How #ould I not, *erek) 'll those hot, steamy, lonely nights,"
/o7anne purred. Her eyes met mine oer his shoulder. I knew what
the warning in them meant < mention athan and you're toast, bitch. I
shrugged. I had no intention of destroying /o7anne's lust fest with her
gorgeous-but-probably-la#king-brain-#ells boyfriend.
"Hey, /o7y," guys #alled, as they passed the ma#king #ouple, who
were slowly making their way towards the main s#hool building.
"I love your skirt," one girl gushed as *erek put /o7anne down and
wrapped his arm around her waist.
"It's really not wise to make her angry, you know," said a prim, perfe#t
female oi#e behind me. It was ,elyn 4ris#illa 6it2gerald, Chris's
sister, who seemed to glow with her in#redible, breathtaking beauty as
I turned to look at her. Her fa#e and eyes were e7pressionless and
#old as she stared ba#k.
",7#use me)" I was #ertain I'd misheard.
"/o7anne." ,e #o#ked her shimmering golden head towards
/o7anne, who was now surrounded by a #rowd of beautiful people.
"It's not intelligent of you to hae angered her."
"It was neer my intention to do so," I said formally. ,e spoke a lot
like someone out of the old 0ritish noels by =ane 'usten and
,li2abeth $askell, and I #ouldn't help imitating her. I loed those
books.
"+ou need to try to #ontrol #ir#umstan#es, then," ,e said softly.
"/o7anne is not 1 always easy to deal with."
I smiled wryly, thinking that it was the understatement of the year. 0ut
,e was #learly one of /o7anne's best friends> why was she warning
me about /o7anne) I turned ba#k to ,e to ask, but !hornton's
personal 'phrodite was gone, sauntering elegantly up to /o7anne and
her boyfriend and taking off into the s#hool building with them.
0i2arre.
0ut then I forgot to #are, be#ause my #ell phone was ringing, and the
s#reen was flashing my boyfriend's name.
Curtis and I hadn't parted on the best of terms. In fa#t, we had seen
ea#h other only on#e before I'd left Manhattan, and he hadn't seemed
to know how to treat me. He'd monitored eery word he'd said so that
he wouldn't hurt me, een a##identally, and that had hurt me most of
all. I hadn't wanted his pity, his un#omprehending sympathy. I had
wanted him to let me rest my head on his shoulder and #onfide in him.
I had wanted him to show me somehow that the three years we'd
been together had allowed him to get to know what I needed more
than anyone did. 0ut that hadn't been the #ase. He'd seemed to be
afraid that I'd fly off the handle if he so mu#h as said that I looked
pretty.
He'd promised to #all me and take me out on a proper date later, but
I'd known &ust as well as he had that he was afraid of me, afraid that
what I'd gone through with "eil's death had #hanged me so mu#h that
he wouldn't understand me anymore. -r perhaps he'd &ust been afraid
that it would make it harder for him to een pretend to hae eer
understood me or known me at all.
'nd yet, I'd loed him and longed for him een at that moment with an
intensity that had surpassed all bounds. How #ould I not) !hree years
of loing and longing #ouldn't hae been eliminated by &ust one
moment of sadness and awkwardness. More than anything, in my
whole time at 8inbury so far, I'd &ust wanted a sign from him that he
loed me and wanted to be with me and hadn't forgotten me in the
three months we'd been apart.
"Curtis)" I answered on the first ring, not #aring how desperate and
breathless I sounded.
"Hey," he said softly. "It's you."
-f #ourse it was me. (ho had he e7pe#ted, 'shlee 9impson)
"8ong time no talk," he said, when I didn't respond.
I wanted to ask him whose fault that was, but I didn't want to waste
time on a##usations when I wanted him to be with me so mu#h. "I
know," I said. "I missed you."
"+ou left so suddenly," Curtis said. "(e didn't get a #han#e to talk."
You could have called me. "I know. 0ut *ad wanted to do it ;ui#kly." I
would neer reproa#h Curtis> it wasn't like me to do that. He was the
one who initiated the fights, the #onersations, the dates, and the se7.
I hadn't really wanted to lose my irginity to him on my fifteenth
birthday, but by then we'd been dating for oer three years, and when
we'd gone up to the terra#e of my apartment building after I'd #ut the
#ake, things had gotten further than they eer had before. (e'd found
ourseles half-naked on the blanket I'd brought up, with his hand up
my bra and mine dangerously #lose to his bo7ers.
!hat was when he'd asked me if I wanted to go all the way> and
be#ause I'd loed him and wanted him desperately, and the fooling
around had felt so good, and be#ause I wasn't the kind of girl who
made a big deal about se7 being sa#red or about finding soulmates 1
about anything at all, really 1 I'd said yes. 'nd I'd neer regretted it,
either. !ruthfully, I'd been relieed to get what would probably be the
most painful se7ual en#ounter of my life oer and done with.
0esides, it had been worth it, be#ause it had made Curtis happy.
"I'e missed you," Curtis entured hesitantly.
"(hat's up with us, Curt)" I asked, wondering if my longing for him
was penetrating through the phone.
"I don't know." He heaed a sigh. "(hat are we now, 9ummer)"
!e was asking me) !hat was like the sun rising in the west. "(hat do
you want us to be)"
"I want us to be a #ouple. I want you to go on being my girlfriend."
!he happiness that was rapidly filling my #hest threatened to #hoke
me. "I want that, too. 0ut we haen't talked in months, Curtis. +ou
#an't &ust #all me and think we #an go ba#k to where we were 1 it's
been three months, Curt, three months, and 1"
"I was s#ared to #all you," he interrupted.
I stopped talking. (asn't that what had stopped me from #alling him,
too) 6ear. *oubt. 3n#ertainty. "Honestly) Me, too." It was liberating to
admit the truth. "I tried to #all you 1 last month 1 but your Mom said
you were out 1 "
"I haen't spent a whole lot of time inside this whole summer, 9um.
I'e &ust been outside, shooting hoops and trying to de#ide what to do
with us. 'nd today 1 I don't know, I was talking to my grandmom, and
she got me thinking. Maybe we #an work things out."
"I want to," I whispered.
"!hat means a lot to me."
"0ut, Curt, you #an't treat me like I'e #hanged, &ust be#ause 1 "
"I won't. I reali2e that you're still the same, een if things hae
#hanged. I want us to try again, 9ummer. I #an't be unde#ided
anymore."
I #losed my eyes. I wanted to ask him a million ;uestions, tell him a
million things, but I &ust didn't hae the #ourage to. "9ay thanks to your
grandmom for me."
He laughed, a warm laugh that made me feel #hoked with happiness.
"-kay. 9he's been pretty bored lately."
"How's your summer going)" I asked, een though #hit-#hat about our
lies seemed irreleant when we had a relationship to dis#uss.
"It's okay. It's boring."
I smiled, #lut#hing my phone tightly. "I know what you mean."
"(e hae a lot to #at#h up on if we're going to make this long distan#e
thing work, 9ummer."
"0ut I want to," I said, my breath #at#hing in my throat. "I really, really
want to."
"I'm glad we agree." He #leared his throat. "I loe you, girl."
"I loe you, too," I said. "9o that's the erdi#t, right) (e're going to
work on our relationship)"
"I #all you on Mondays, (ednesdays, 6ridays, and 9undays, and you
#all me on !uesdays, !hursdays, and 9aturdays."
I let out a small laugh. "(orks for me."
!hornton didn't hae lo#kers, &ust anti;ue desks with hollows in them
for storing books that were assigned to ea#h student in eery
homeroom. 'nother tradition I wasn't used to was 'ssembly eery
morning> all four hundred and eighty students assembled in the 'dam
6oley Memorial 'uditorium, whi#h was a large, sweeping room on the
se#ond floor with a raised wooden platform, an#ient wooden walls,
and portraits of the s#hool's founder and the names of the 4rin#ipals
and students who had made the Merit 8ist engraed on pla;ues
hanging from the walls. ' marble bust of =ennifer !hornton, the guy
who'd #onerted !hornton from a military a#ademy to a s#hool, stood
ne7t to the platform.
,a#h homeroom had twenty-four students> si7 sophomores, si7
freshmen, si7 &uniors, and si7 seniors. (hen I arried at Mrs
Montgomery's #lassroom near the 9tudent Coun#il 8ounge, I had an
unpleasant surprise awaiting me 1 /o7anne, her boyfriend, Chris, and
,e were all sitting there.
"9talker," /o7anne mouthed as I took my assigned seat at the ba#k. I
tried not to take it personally and bent oer my desk, putting my new
books inside it #arefully.
"(ell, well, well," said a deep, se7y male oi#e that I unfortunately
re#ogni2ed immediately. "(hat are the odds)"
Fuck.
I looked up. It was him, all right. 0lond, green-eyed, unbearably
gorgeous "athan 'le7ander (ellington, who'd said arrogantly that his
father had eeryone in town working for him. (ho had been making
out with /o7anne and who had tried to flirt with me and who was most
definitely not /o7anne's boyfriend%
He &erked a thumb at the desk ne7t to me. "(ellington, (ard. It's
alphabeti#al. 9mall world, huh)" He flashed me his trademark
da22ling grin and slid a strap of his ba#kpa#k off one of his broad
shoulders.
I s;uee2ed my eyes shut, hoping that when I opened them again, he'd
be gone. "o su#h lu#k.
"Hey, man." Chris 6it2gerald, the ni#e guy who'd stood up for me in
the 4rin#ipal's offi#e, materiali2ed ne7t to "athan and gae his
shoulder a #asual bump with his fist. "(here'e you been)"
9o. "athan was eidently a part of Chris and /o7anne's 'Champagne
$ang'. I wasn't surprised, be#ause he was easily the hottest guy in the
s#hool, and that seemed to be a #riterion for being in the gang.
"9pain," "athan said, still grinning. "I ran into /o7y. 'fter that, ho#key
#amp."
Chris rolled his eyes. "$ood for you." He looked at me and smiled. He
had a #ute smile, I #ouldn't help noti#ing. "Hi, 9ummer."
I steadfastly aoided "athan's ga2e. "Hey," I murmured.
"+ou two know ea#h other)" "athan's green eyes held a hint of
#uriousity.
"3h, yeah. Met on /egistration (eek." Chris looked at him. "How
about you two)"
"-h, 9ummer and I go way ba#k," "athan said easily, upping the
wattage of his grin as he pla#ed a hand on my shoulder. It was &ust my
shoulder, but the way he did it made the slight gesture an intimate
thing. I wriggled away from his tou#h, feeling my #heeks heat up a
little.
""athan!" /o7anne, who'd been sitting on her boyfriend's desk, flung
herself off and walked oer, per#hing on "athan's desk instead
without sparing me a glan#e. Her boyfriend 1 *erek, she'd #alled him
1 followed her, and so did ,e, who kissed "athan #oldly on the
#heek before drawing ba#k and standing regally ne7t to Chris. I was
surprised to see that she wore the red ribbon sophomores had to wear
on their bla2ers, and that /o7anne wore the yellow one of the &uniors>
I'd e7pe#ted both of them to be seniors. "0ar#elona was great, wasn't
it)"
I didn't miss the way /o7anne's boyfriend *erek's eyes fli#ked to
/o7anne, then dwelled un#ertainly on "athan. I was sure he
suspe#ted there was something between them, though he probably
didn't know how right he was.
""athan knows 9ummer," Chris said. "I'm trying to find out how.
'nyone else #urious)"
"*o tell, "ate," /o7anne said, fli#king imaginary dust off *erek's
bla2er. Her boyfriend looked #onfused 1 he had no idea who I was 1
but then settled into #ontentment at the way she was tou#hing him.
"athan leaned ba#k in his #hair and la#ed his hands through the ba#k
of his head, grinning #omfortably. "(hy don't you ask 9ummer)"
/o7anne looked dire#tly at me. "He pi#ked you up in some night#lub,
right) He #an be such a slea2y man whore." I didn't miss the eiled
insult.
"Hey," "athan protested. "I #an't help it if girls de#ide to flo#k to me."
I got the hint> I was supposed to pretend that I was one of "athan's
#ast-off fu#kmates. I looked at *erek, who had a ein pulsing in his
forehead> at Chris, who looked as if he already presumed that
/o7anne was right> at /o7anne and "athan, who were smiling
#onfidently, #hallenging me to dare to tell the truth. !hey didn't e7pe#t
me to stand up to them. I'd been the meekest girl in (oodhouse High
be#ause I hadn't #ared enough to fight for petty little things I'd kind of
wanted, but now, the gorgeous duo were pissing me off.
0esides, eeryone here hated me anyway. It was like #ats hating dogs
1 it happened on prin#iple.
"I saw him making out with /o7anne by the rierside a few days ago,"
I said ;uietly. "He #ame after me to ask me not to tell anyone, and I
guess he thinks we hae a bond now be#ause I'e kept his se#ret all
this while."
!here was a stunned silen#e. 'll around us, kids talked and laughed
and #aught up on ea#h other's lies, but Chris, ,e, /o7anne, *erek
and "athan sat rooted to their spots, staring at me in astonishment. It
made me feel kind of powerful, whi#h wasn't something I was used to.
!hen two liid spots appeared on /o7anne's fa#e, and the powerful
feeling disappeared, to be repla#ed by a sudden sense of foreboding.
"*ammit, /o7anne!" *erek yelled, slamming his fist into "athan's
desk.
"*erek, baby, I 1 " /o7anne pla#ed a pla#ating arm on his shoulder.
He flung it off. "How #an you go around pulling shit like that) (e're
supposed to be goddamned e7#lusie! +ou're supposed to be in loe
with me!"
"*erek, I am 1 " /o7anne flung me a furious glan#e.
"'nd you, (ellington. +ou're supposed to be my man, dude. +ou're
not supposed to be s#rewing my girl behind my ba#k!"
":ettering." "athan unfolded himself to his full height, whi#h was
impressie. "Cool down, man."
I sneaked a glan#e around> the rest of the #lassroom had ;uieted
down and were staring aidly at the drama unfolding before them,
thrilled to be getting the gossip first-hand.
""ool down)" *erek said in#redulously. "How many times hae you
fu#ked around with ea#h other, huh) 'll those times you #ouldn't go
out with me be#ause you had to study 1 you were with him, huh,
/o7anne)"
""o, *erek!"
"$od. I knew there was something going on behind my ba#k. +ou're
way too slutty to be a one-man guy." He moed towards the door.
"*erek, please 1 "
He stopped and flung /o7anne a disgusted look. "I don't want to hear
it, /o7anne. (e're oer." He walked out, slamming the ornate
oakwood door behind him.
/o7anne stood in the middle of the room, fists #len#hed, staring at me
like a #ra2ed tiger.
,e moed forward and tou#hed her shoulder gently. "/o7y 1 "
/o7anne pushed her away impatiently and thrust her fa#e in front of
mine. I inhaled the s#ent of her hair inoluntarily> it was aguely
strawberry-like. Curtis loed strawberries> he said it was the most
aphrodisia# fruit eer. I bet that if he and /o7anne had been dating,
he wouldn't hae taken three months to #all her 1
"+ou bit#h," /o7anne hissed, breathing heaily.
I pushed ba#k my #hair slightly, feeling my heart rate speed up in spite
of myself. 9hit. (hat on earth had possessed me to try to stand up to
/o7anne Cartwright, knowing full well what she #ould do to me) I
didn't do things like that. I stayed in #orners and hid from the world.
"+ou are so dead." 'bruptly, /o7anne straightened, then turned and
made for the door, her hips swinging gra#efully. ,e and Chris
followed her as if hypnoti2ed.
!he #lass e7haled #olle#tiely. 'll at on#e, a loud, e7#ited bu22 broke
out. I slumped in my seat, feeling drained. My first day had barely
een started.
"Interesting," said "athan.
I looked at him> he was wat#hing her #ontemplatiely, eyebrows
raised. "+ou desered it," I said rudely.
He shrugged. "I thought you said you wouldn't spread it around."
"+ou weren't supposed to make me look like one of your desperate
groupies to get me to keep your patheti# little se#ret, "athan."
"I'll be #areful to wat#h the impli#ations of what I say around you from
now on," he said, giing me a lopsided grin.
Impossible. !he guy's friend had &ust been dumped by her boyfriend
be#ause of what he'd done, and he was still #omposed enough to flirt
with me. Could he be any more #allous)
4etite, .ersa#e-wearing Mrs Montgomery entered the room and
started taking roll #all, #utting off any further #onersation. (hi#h, to
me, was an enormous, #olossal relief.
"9o how was your first day)" =a22 asked as she mopped up the
#ounter at 0ig Happy 6amily.
"6ine," I said briefly, not wanting to get into the gory details.
"Fine)" =a22 pla#ed her free hand on her hips and raised her
eyebrows. "!hat's all you're going to tell me)"
"(ell, that's what it was," I persisted. I didn't trust =a22 enough to tell
her the entire story of how, on my ery first day, I'd managed to break
up one of the most powerful #ouples on #ampus and e7tra#t a death
threat from the 5ueen of the s#hool. 9ure, I liked my bubbly, yellow-
haired #oworker enough. 0ut it wasn't like =a22 herself olunteered
any personal information, so why should I) "I liked my #reatie writing
#lass, and my homeroom staff superisor 1 "
"8isten to you, 9ummer. # liked my creative writing class. 's if that's
what makes or breaks a life."
I arranged brownies on a plate. "(ell, edu#ation is important."
"'nd it's something that's about as boring as it's easy to deal with."
I looked at her, frustrated. "I don't know what you want me to say."
=a22's frown softened. "8ook, I know what it's like out there. I feel for
you, 9ummer. I'm not some adult you hae to be all perky and positie
with. I know that 1 "
"(hat do you know, =a22)" My temper, normally pretty stable, flared.
I'd had a long, horrible, tiring day, and I &ust wasn't in the mood to deal
with =a22's hints and insinuations. "+ou &ust keep throwing out little
half-formed hints, but you neer tell me what you're talking about
when I ask you to e7plain."
=a22 held my ga2e for a long minute. !hen she sighed and looked
away. "+ou know I want us to be friends, right)"
My first impulse was to protest loudly and earnestly that we were
friends. My se#ond impulse was to keep my mouth shut. !he se#ond
impulse won out.
"I mean, we hae to hang out a lot eery day," =a22 went on. "I &ust
want you to trust me."
"(ouldn't that be kind of one-sided)" I said easiely. "(hen you don't
trust me)"
"I do trust you, I &ust 1 there are some things I don't want to talk
about." =a22 looked somber, her brown eyes half-lidded.
"-kay," I said, shrugging. !here were things I didn't want to talk about,
too%for e7ample, my life. 'nd my feelings. 'nd anything else that
inoled essaying information about myself and my personality.
"0ut you're a #ool kid, and you're all on your own in a pretty tough
world. It would be #ruel of me to &ust stand by and wat#h you struggle
when I #an at least gie you some warning about the shit that #an
happen to you."
I smiled ruefully. "I doubt that's going to make for pleasant listening."
"9o here's what I want us to do. +ou tell me how your day went, and in
e7#hange, I'll tell you what I know about !hornton and how I know it."
I hesitated, not sure if I #ould #onfide in =a22 without staying up all
night worrying about it.
"Come on. !hat doesn't sound fair to you)"
I took a deep breath. "It does. 0ut you hae to go first."
=a22 shrugged and aulted up on the #ounter. It didn't really matter,
be#ause 0ig Happy 6amily was always deserted on weekdays, and
there weren't any #ustomers e7#ept the guy at !able 6our who was
too busy deouring the i#e-#ream that 'ndroi#h had sered him to
#are that an employee was sitting on the #ounter. "I went to !hornton
for a while."
I felt my eyebrows shoot up. "You went to !hornton."
"(hy is that so surprising) +ou think I #an't get the grades)" =a22
looked miffed.
""o, of #ourse not," I hastened to say. "I &ust%didn't know."
"-kay, whateer. 'nyway, I did my sophomore year there. I thought it
was the most ama2ing pla#e in the world. 'll the beauty and the
motiation and the burning ambition of the pla#e, you know) 'nd the
people were all gorgeous%and they seemed so ni#e%"
I felt skepti#al. It didn't seem possible that /o7anne Cartwright had
eer een seemed ni#e.
"!here was this little group of kids on #ampus that eeryone used to
worship. !hey were pra#ti#ally #elebrities. !hey were the kids
eeryone wanted to be and know about, the kids eeryone feared, the
kids with all the power 1 "
"!he It-kids," I interrupted. "I get it."
=a22 nodded. "I told you about /o7anne Cartwright. 9he was &ust a
freshman then, but she was still more adored than many of the senior
girls. !hen there was "athan (ellington 1 he was in my #lass. !hey
were that year's It-Couple 1 they'd rule the s#hool 1 een the &uniors
and the seniors wanted to break them up so they'd be fair game for
eeryone else."
I tried not to look surprised. I had somehow assumed that "athan and
/o7anne had neer been together 1 there was se7ual tension
between the pair, but not in a way that suggested they'd e7plored the
tension. "ot in a way that said they'd gone to moies and held hands
and told ea#h other they loed ea#h other.
"0ut they'd &ust hooked up when I got there," =a22 #ontinued. "!hey
used to be best friends before. !hey and a bun#h of other kids they'd
grown up with. !hey were the tightest gang you'd eer see 1
infiltrating their #li;ue was tougher than, I don't know, going to war
with 0ush or something. !here was 8indsay 'lbright and her boyfriend
.an#e 'rgyle, they were seniors. !here was *erek :ettering 1 he was
a freshman, too, I think, and *enise (ashington, a &unior. !hen Chris
1 6it2-something, he was the only ni#e dude in the whole group. He
was dating some #hi#k from 8in#oln Central, probably still is. !hen
there was this guy #alled =ean 6laubert, this really hot &unior from
6ran#e, and, yeah, ?a#h $ellar 1 "
"?a#h $ellar)" I e#hoed. "!he guy in the #af@ who wanted a hotter
waitress)"
"!he one and only," =a22 #onfirmed. "He went to boarding s#hool at
the end of the year, though. He was #reating too mu#h trouble at
home or something. 'nyway. !hose kids weren't all that ni#e to me,
but they weren't mean, either 1 I don't think they noti#ed me, really.
0ut then =ean 6laubert, the 6ren#h guy, asked me to the first dan#e of
the s#hool year, and I was like totally fas#inated with his hotness and
popularity, you know) It turned my head. I would do anything he
asked me to, een se7ually, and I guess he liked that, be#ause he
wanted me to start going steady, and I said okay, een though I knew
he was &ust this brainless se7 mania# 1 "
"9o that's what you want me to be #areful of)" I #hewed my lip.
"*ating guys at !hornton)"
"(ould you let me go on, dude) *enise (ashington was getting tired
of her boyfriend, and she up and de#ided that she wanted =ean for
herself. (hi#h would a##omplish two things at on#e 1 the It-kids only
dated within themseles, and they #ouldn't stand that =ean was dating
a s#holarship kid with no pedigree, so they'd loe it if =ean and *enise
went out, and *enise would get a new hot guy into the bargain.
/o7anne hated me for daring to date =ean anyway, so she de#ided to
help *enise out." 9he paused and stared at her nails, ki#king the
#ounter with her heels.
"(hat did she do)" I said softly.
"9he asked me to a sleepoer with the rest of the girls. I was gullible
enough to think she was starting to a##ept me, so I went. (e talked
about stuff 1 /o7anne made up lies about how she was inse#ure
about her weight, so I told her about my inse#urities 1 about how I
was mortally afraid of being #alled a slut be#ause I'd been brought up
to think it was slutty to lose my irginity before marriage, and how
disappointed my parents would be if they found out about me and
=ean." =a22 was starting to speak ;ui#ker and ;ui#ker, seemingly
for#ing the words out determinedly.
I shook my head. I'd neer hae been gullible enough to trust
/o7anne Cartwright. I didn't know where this story was going, but I
had a feeling it wasn't going to hae a happy ending.
"!hen they took me to a #lub and got me drunk. I'd neer done that
before, so the effe#ts were pretty lethal. 8ong story short, I got
polluted and made out with some girl I didn't know be#ause /o7anne
asked me to and it sounded outrageous enough to be fun in that state
of mind. "e7t morning, there were pi#tures all oer s#hool. -nly I
wasn't &ust kissing the #hi#k 1 /o7anne paid one of the #omputer
geeks to make it look like my #lothes were off, too." =a22's fa#e was
e7pressionless, her tone #alm, but a kind of bitterness fli#kered in her
eyes that had nothing to do with haing dated a brainless se7 mania#.
' stunned silen#e followed her words. 9unlight flooded the room from
the large bay windows, people on their way to the #he#k-in #ounter
talked and laughed as they passed the #af@, the lone #ustomer at
!able 6our sipped his #offee and read a newspaper. It was &ust a
normal weekday at 0ig Happy 6amily, but I felt as if I'd been
transported to an alternate reality, a horrifying one in whi#h the #ruelty
of young girls and of #lass and money politi#s surpassed all bounds.
"(ow," I whispered finally, be#ause there was really nothing else to
say.
"+eah, well." =a22 sounded #heerful again. "My parents made me go
ba#k to 8inbury High, and it turned out to be the best thing in the end
1 I hadn't really been prepared for !hornton's #urri#ulum. I was failing
#al#ulus and 8atin."
I had a strange urge to rea#h oer and gie =a22 a bone-#rushing hug.
Her sanguine spirit and the way she seemed to hae pi#ked herself up
and moed on was really kind of remarkable.
"9o, anything else you want to know)"
"+eah," I said ;uietly. "(hat does ?a#h $ellar hae to do with this)
(hy'd you #all him a fu#king son of a bit#h that day)"
"-h, him. /ight. (ell, he sent one of the pi#tures to my parents. 4ut it
into a large white enelope marked 'Mary-=ane's report #ard 1 ery
satisfa#tory for !hornton!' and sent it to them. I had to go for
#ounseling and spend hours #onin#ing the pastor at my #hur#h that I
wasn't a lesbian. -h, and ?a#h did all sorts of other shit 1 like putting
one of the pi#tures on a porn website with my address on it so that
random guys started turning up at my house asking for a show,
lo#king me in the broom #loset when I had an important ,nglish test,
stuff like that."
I let out a small, sho#ked laugh. "I don't een know what to say."
"He didn't re#ogni2e me that day at the #af@. He's probably here on
summer a#ation or something. I used to hae brown hair, you know.
'nd I dressed like a #heerleader. 'nd didn't #all myself =a22."
I sighed. "I'm sorry, =a22."
"*ark days," said =a22 lightly. "-kay, your turn to lay it on me."
I #ouldn't ba#k out of our agreement, espe#ially sin#e =a22 had been
so open about what had probably been the worst days of her life. 9o I
sat down on the #ounter ne7t to =a22 and told her eery detail of my
en#ounters with the Champagne $ang, starting with meeting Chris in
front of the s#hool and finishing with /o7anne's little death threat.
9ome parts, like "athan flirting with me in homeroom, and how ni#e I
found Chris's smile to be, I left out.
"-h, my fu#king $od," =a22 said when I had finished, her eyebrows
hitting her hairline. "+ou hae got to be kidding me."
I shook my head ruefully. "$od, I wish."
""athan always wanted to s#rew eery bit#h, slut, and irgin in town,
een ba#k in the tenth grade, but 1 $od, I #an't beliee he and
/o7anne broke up. !hey seemed like one of those #ouples who would
always want ea#h other desperately. 6igures that she moed on to
*erek, though 1 he's "athan's dumber, younger #arbon #opy. I bet it
would hae been ?a#h if 1 "
"=a22)" I interrupted. "I don't really #are about their loe lies."
"/ight. -f #ourse you don't." =a22 looked at me respe#tfully. "+ou, my
girl, are my new idol."
I frowned ;uestioningly. "Meaning)"
"Hello! +ou got /o7anne's boyfriend to dump her!" !here was awe in
her oi#e. "Hae you any idea how big that is) +ou de#lared war on
bit#hes eerywhere!"
"=a22. 'ren't you listening)" I felt frustrated with the yellow-haired
eighteen-year-old. "I don't want to de#lare war. I want to keep a low
profile. /o7anne said she would kill me."
"'nd she probably would," =a22 said #omfortably.
"=a22 Cohen!"
"Hear me out before you freak. /o7anne's biggest weapon was, and
probably still is, manipulating, getting-you-to-trust-her mind games.
0ut you 1 you're forewarned. +ou #an defend yourself. 0etter yet, you
#an get her ba#k. ?a#h is gone. !he impa#t of her powers is less
without him around."
"I don't want to fight ba#k," I pointed out.
"9ummer. *ude. $irl. +ou hae got to fight ba#k. I #an help you."
""o," I insisted firmly. "I plan to resere myself a hiding pla#e until
/o7anne forgets all about me."
=a22 smiled #onfidently. "+ou'll be eating your words soon."
"I'm not interested in endetta, =a22." I held up my hands with a sigh.
"I &ust want to surie here, okay) (hat happened today was
regrettable, but shit happens. I &ust hae to make sure it doesn't
happen again."
=a22's smile anished. 9he looked at me graely. "'nd what if it does
happen again, 9ummer) (hat if /o7anne doesn't forget all about
you)"
!o that, I had no answer, mu#h as I wished I did.
I walked home from work. !he path from the airport to /o#hester
Cottage took about an hour to walk, but it was through the park, and I
liked the park. I stopped at one of the slides to #all Curtis, but it went
straight to oi#email, so I moed on without leaing a message,
feeling out of sorts.
"9ummer)"
I turned. It was Chris 6it2gerald, sweaty in shorts and an 'rsenal t-
shirt, #arrying a so##er ball tu#ked under his arm and wearing an
un#omfortable smile. "Hey," I said #autiously. "(hat are you doing
here)"
"I'm getting my ass in shape." Chris gestured to his so##er ball. "I
didn't play a whole lot during a#ation, and Coa#h is &ust about 1
anyway, what about you)"
I looked at him doubtfully, then reali2ed that it wasn't like he #ouldn't
find out my address from the s#hool dire#tory. "I'm on my way home.
/o#hester Cottage." I didn't bother to say where I was going home
from, and thankfully, he didn't ask.
Chris shifted his ball to his other arm. "9o, um. I heard /o7anne
inited you to a non-e7istent party in here oer the summer."
I nodded. "!he best party of my life," I deadpanned.
Chris started walking alongside me. "I'm really sorry. I swear, I had
nothing to do with that, and I didn't een know about it until this
morning."
I didn't usually trust people, but I trusted my instin#ts, and my instin#ts
were telling me to beliee Chris. His earnest fa#e seemed genuine,
and I was pretty sure he wasn't faking it. "It's all right," I said formally.
Chris sighed. "I loe /o7anne, really I do 1 she's one of my best
friends 1 but she #an be a real bit#h sometimes. 0ut she's got her
reasons. I mean, I'e known her sin#e birth, and she doesn't e7a#tly
hae the world's easiest life 1 "
"4oor little ri#h girl." I was startled by the s#orn in my own oi#e.
"I know it's a #li#h@, but there's no smoke without fire, and some
stereotypes are a#tually true 1 "
"-kay, Chris)" I stopped and fa#ed him. "+ou seem like a ni#e guy,
and I hate to say this to you, but you don't know di#k about a hard life.
'nd a hard life doesn't gie people a right to a#t like /o7 1 like shit."
Chris looked defensie. "Hey. +ou're the one who broke them up 1 "
"/o7anne's the one who #heated on him," I pointed out.
Chris sighed. "I know. I'm sorry. 0ut she's a #ool person when you get
to know her, I swear."
I almost felt sorry for him. "Maybe you &ust want to see the best in
eeryone," I offered, trying not to sound ;uite as hostile as usual.
"!hanks." Chris smiled, looking guilelessly pleased. "It turns out
pra#ti#ally eeryone in s#hool knew about it e7#ept us." He shook his
head. "How #ould we hae been so blind)"
' ;uote from somewhere popped into my head. "If loe is blind, then
friendship #ould use some glasses." I looked at Chris. "6or what it's
worth, I wasn't planning to tell anyone."
""o, it's good that you did." Chris ran a hand through his messy brown
#urls, giing me that sweet, ni#e smile. "*erek :ettering 1 that's
/o7y's e7-boyfriend 1 is a de#ent guy. He didn't desere to be duped
like that. 0ut anyway. "athan and /o7anne stopped being a #ouple a
long time ago, they &ust fool around a bit, so if you're interested in him
1"
"(hat)" I stopped in my tra#ks.
Chris looked #onfused. ""athan says you interest him, so if you're
interested in him 1"
"-kay, whoa, wait a minute." I wasn't sure whether to laugh or #ry.
"(hat on earth gae you that idea)"
Chris frowned. "9o you're not)"
"6irst of all, "athan isn't my type at all. 9e#ond of all, I hae a
boyfriend ba#k in Manhattan, and 1"
"+ou're from $anhattan)" Chris's eyes lit up. "/eally) !hat's so #ool! I
went there on#e, and I #ouldn't blink." He smiled, looking like a three-
year-old who'd been handed a lollipop. "9o you're a sophisti#ated #ity
girl, huh)"
I had to laugh. Chris was so 1 so inno#ent. 8ike he was terribly
#onfused about the big bad ways of the world, but he still loed liing
in it. ""ot me. I was a dork ba#k in my old s#hool. +ou should hae
seen my friend /a#hael. 9he's an awesome dan#er."
"+ou must miss her," Chris said, smiling.
His obious interest brought me ba#k to earth with a bump. (hat was
I doing, bonding with Christopher /aymond 6it2gerald) He might
seem ni#e, but all I knew about him was that he was a spoilt ri#h kid
and that his girlfriend, who I hadn't seen but had heard the
Champagne $ang talking about in the 4rin#ipal Cartwright's offi#e,
was one of /o7anne's best friends. I #lamped my mouth shut, letting
indifferen#e settle oer my fa#e.
"+es," I said ;uietly. "I hae to hurry 1 I'm late already. !ell "athan I'm
not interested. I'll see you in s#hool tomorrow, okay)"
Chris looked kind of disappointed as I hurried away through another
path, but that wasn't really my problem. I wanted to go home and #all
Curtis. 9ure, my day for #alling was tomorrow, but a little e7tra
diligen#e wouldn't hurt, would it)
0ut when I #alled from my room, his mom said he was out again,
shooting hoops. It #onfused me a little, and hurt me a little 1 why
wasn't he as eager to talk to me, as eagerly thinking about me, as I
was about him)
*ownstairs, the door #rashed shut and someone staggered up the
stairs. 9omething shattered and I heard Hadley let out a string of
#urses. 9he was eidently drunk again.
I lay ba#k on my bed and stared at the #eiling, wondering what,
e7a#tly, I was doing wrong.



3. This Kiss
"It isn't your day to #all," I said into my #ell phone, feeling my mouth
stret#h into a small smile.
"I know," said Curtis. I #ould hear the grin in his oi#e. "0ut I was
getting impatient, girl."
I wrapped my arms around myself and boun#ed on my tiptoes, feeling
disgustingly happy. 9o what if the first few days of !hornton had been
a horror show, and I was #urrently on my way to s#hool again) Curtis
loed me, we'd been talking regularly for a week now, and although I
still hadn't gotten up the nere to bring up death and my last day in
Manhattan and the diffi#ult parts of our relationship, at least I knew
what was going on in his life. "I'm glad you did. I was getting sad
about my se#ond week."
"-h, yeah, you'e finished a week at that fan#y s#hool now," Curtis
re#alled, almost as if he'd forgotten all about it. (hi#h pissed me off
more than I'd eer tell him. "+ou're a priate s#hool girl now, huh) I bet
you look se7y in your uniform."
I #hewed my lip, feeling a twinge of dis#ontent. I wanted to #onfide all
my fears about !hornton and 8inbury to him, but it seemed like he &ust
wanted to flirt. (ell, it wasn't like I wouldn't go along. 'fter all, he
wasn't getting any se7 lately 1 I hoped 1 so the least I #ould do was
flirt ba#k. ""ot as se7y as I know you look in your basketball &ersey."
"9end me a pi#ture so I #an at least imagine being with you," Curtis
suggested, his oi#e warm. "Hey, 9um)"
"+eah)" I gripped the phone tightly.
"Hae you eer thought about, you know%" He dropped his oi#e.
"4hone se7)"
I lapsed into silen#e. Shit. "o, I hadn't. I didn't know if I could. I liked
se7, but only when I had his physi#al presen#e around, the sweaty
dark body that sent a whoosh of pleasure through me, the lips on
mine that transmitted me into another darker, ha2ier world. 0ut sitting
on my bed imagining that world, when I hadn't seen him in so long, it
&ust seemed kind of%impossible for me to do.
"9ummer)" Curtis said, the warmth gone from his oi#e. "8ook, I'm
sorry. 6orget I said that 1 "
He shouldn't hae been apologi2ing. I should hae been the one
apologi2ing, be#ause I was the one s#ared of not being able to do
what he wanted me to do%what he deserved to hae me do. "Curt,
I'e arried at s#hool. I hae to go." I ki#ked at the ground, wondering
how I #ould hae gone from e#stati#ally happy to disappointed, sad,
and a little pissed off so ;ui#kly. "I'll #all you later, okay)"
"9ummer, don't 1 "
"9eriously, I hae to go." I #li#ked off and dropped my phone into the
po#ket of my bla#k bla2er. 9;uaring my shoulders, I mar#hed past the
se#urity guard and into !hornton.
I'd spent my past week keeping a low profile. I dodged into
#lassrooms when I saw the Champagne $ang approa#hing, ate
8un#h in a #orner of the dining room with a good book, got to
homeroom after Mrs Montgomery herself, and tried not to talk to
anyone, een the kids who looked harmless.
I didn't know how long I #ould keep hiding, but I was determined to
#arry on as long as possible.
8un#hes at !hornton alternated between informal hot dogs and pi22a
and other &unk food sered at the #afeteria on Mondays and 6ridays,
and the formal meals held at the grand dining hall upstairs on
!uesdays, !hursdays, and (ednesdays. 6or my first week, I sat at the
smallest table by the window, reading a book I borrowed from the
library before #lasses started and eating lun#hes I pa#ked for myself.
!he first day of my se#ond week, howeer, disaster stru#k> when I got
to the #afeteria late be#ause I'd been talking to my homeroom
superisor about my s#hedule, my table was taken, and the only
empty table was the one ne7t to the #oeted '-list table in the middle
of the room the Champagne $ang was sitting at.
I sank deep into my #hair and opened my book, hoping nobody would
noti#e me. 'll /o7anne had been doing for my first week when she
#aught sight of me a #ouple of times was glaring, and all "athan and
the others had been doing was staring< I was afraid they'd pi#k today
to be more a#tie.
!here was a reason I trusted my instin#ts< they were generally #orre#t.
"Hey, 9ummer," #ame the oi#e from the table ne7t to me, &ust as I'd
started reading the tenth page of my book.
I glan#ed up a little da2edly. %round &he World #n '( )ays wasn't my
faourite book in the world, but it was still pretty engrossing. I wished I
hadn't bother to tear myself away from it, be#ause the oi#e that had
#alled my name belonged to "athan (ellington, who was grinning
se7ily at me from his seat at the head of the '-list table.
(hat did he want) !o sli#e me up and toss my remains into the sea)
(hy wouldn't he &ust do it, rather than #ontinue to gie me
frighteningly thoughtful looks in #lass) (as he trying to find innoatie
ways of reenge)
"+es)" I said frostily.
"athan had #learly interrupted a #onersation at his table. /o7anne,
who was opposite him, was looking murderous. 's if she didn't hate
me enough already.
"(hy don't you #ome sit with us)" "athan offered.
!his staggered me. I had e7pe#ted him to let fly a eiled insult or a
threat. Instead, he was offering me a seat at the table most !hornton
students would hae killed to hae lun#h at.
"I beg your pardon)" I said ;uietly.
+es, I had been rude to "athan the first two en#ounters we'd had, but
after de#iding to keep a low profile, I'd #on#luded that it would be
sui#ide to go on doing it. I hadn't really e7pe#ted him to inite me to
his table when I'd made that de#ision, howeer.
"athan." /o7anne pronoun#ed his name through gritted teeth, her
tone i#y. 9he was sitting far apart from *erek, who was flirting with a
popular 'sian senior named :arin (u who I'd found out was allowed
to sit with the Champagne $ang on Mondays and !hursdays.
"athan ignored /o7anne. "Come sit with us," he said to me, with one
of his gorgeous grins.
!he smile triggered my brain. !here was one solution as to why he
wasn't taking a knife to my &ugular ein yet < I didn't want him and
eery other girl in the world did, and that angered him. !he fa#t that I
wasn't in the least interested in him was what was interesting him in
me. (hy else would he een noti#e me) He would pay attention to
me as long as I didn't fall under his spell. I #onsidered pretending to,
&ust to get him to ba#k off, be#ause if he didn't ba#k off, not only
/o7anne but eery other girl in 8inbury would be out for my blood.
It was a stupid idea. I #ouldn't a#t, not een to sae my life.
"I'm fine here, thanks," I said politely.
!here was a stunned silen#e. !hen /o7anne got to her feet, her fa#ial
features twisted into a liid glare, and stomped out of the dining hall.
I looked ba#k down at my book, hiding a smile that threatened to
break forth any moment.
It was a premature i#tory, howeer> before I knew it, I felt someone
sitting down a#ross from me. "athan again. 0ig surprise.
"(hat)" I snapped, annoyed into being rude again.
He held up his hands. "*own, girl." He gae me a #rooked smile. "If
you won't #ome to me, I'll #ome to you."
"8ook, "athan." I put down my book ne7t to my lun#h tray. "I really
don't understand what you're doing."
"-h, I think you do," he said easily. "I'm trying to flirt with you."
I blinked. *ire#t approa#hes always flustered me. "-kay%"
""ow that you understand, you #ould flirt ba#k," "athan suggested.
I regained my #omposure. "I don't think so."
' slight pink tinged his #heeks. "-kay. (hy don't you like me)"
*+ecause." I felt in#redulous> was the guy #lueless and #allow or &ust
#ompletely thi#k-skinned) "8et's see. !he first time I saw you, you
were making out with a girl who had a boyfriend 1 a girl who hates
me, by the way. 'nd the se#ond time I saw you, the girl 1 your best
friend, a##ording to your other friends 1 had been dumped by her
boyfriend be#ause of you, but you preferred flirting with me to trying to
#omfort her."
"athan snorted. "+ou think /o7anne needed #omforting) 's if she
#ares di#k about *erek. 9he &ust wanted the attention."
"9ee)" I threw up my hands. "!here you go again."
"athan frowned. "+ou're a serious kind of girl, aren't you)"
I #losed my mouth. !he one thing I absolutely #ould not do was let
"athan see what kind of a person I was. I pi#ked up my book and held
it up in front of my fa#e, hoping he'd get bored and walk away.
"o su#h lu#k. "' serious girl who likes to read," "athan said
thoughtfully. "Interesting."
-kay, so desperate times #alled for desperate measures. I would
hae to resort to desperate measures to peel him off< flattery. "8ook,
"athan. !his isn't about you, this is about me, okay) I &ust like to be
left alone, I hae a boyfriend, and besides, you're #learly out of my
league."
He didn't take the hint. "' serious bookworm who likes to be left alone.
(hy is that)"
-h, $od. He was as persistent as a housefly. I got to my feet,
de#iding that from now on, I'd eat lun#h in the stables. "=ust back o,,,
"athan. I'm not interested."
(ith that, I mar#hed out of the #afetaria, ignoring the sho#ked
whispers and muttering I left in my wake.
I was sitting in si7th-period homeroom that day when disaster stru#k.
Mrs Montgomery, our superisor, was #alling out our house points. My
house, Cartwright, had the least number of points at the end of the
first week, with $alloway House leading. $alloway House was the one
the Champagne $ang, e7#ept for /o7anne, belonged to, whi#h didn't
really surprise me, be#ause they seemed to hae the best of
eerything at !hornton.
"*ean House, fifty-si7. =ameson 1 thanks to 8illith (hite's efforts at
#olle#ting money for the 3"0C, you're in se#ond pla#e with seenty-
eight points 1 "
"!his is so not fair," /o7anne Cartwright said petulantly. "I #olle#ted
money, Mrs Montgomery. (hy #an't Cartwright be a little ahead)"
/o7anne and I were in the same house. -h, the irony.
"It's &ust the first week, /o7," "athan (ellington said patroni2ingly.
"+ou might een get enough points for $alloway to noti#e you by the
end of the de#ade."
"!oo bad they don't gie out points for s#rewing eerything with a di#k
in town," said a guy's sardoni# oi#e from the entran#e of the
#lassroom.
'n abrupt silen#e filled the room. /o7anne sat ery, ery still, her
sho#k-filled ga2e fi7ed on the door. !he &uniors and the Champagne
$ang #raned their ne#ks to get a better look at the strange guy, but
the sophomores and freshmen &ust seemed #onfused.
"It's -ach .ellar!" said a &unior girl suddenly, in a hushed, awestru#k
whisper.
!he effe#t of her whisper on the #lass was ele#trifying. 9tunned
whispers broke out> some girls gasped> a guy with dyed bla#k hair at
the ba#k #heered, and the preppy-looking blond guy ne7t to him let
out a hoot.
/o7anne's &aw dropped open. "-h, my $od," she whispered,
sounding hysteri#al.
9omething #li#ked in my mind. 9hit. ?a#h $ellar. /o7anne's partner in
#rime. !he surly guy at the airport who'd asked for a hotter waitress.
!he guy who'd helped to ruin =a22's life, and $od knew how many
other people's as well.
-ach .ellar, &ust when I'd thought things #ouldn't get mu#h worse.
I sneaked a glan#e at the rest of the Champagne $ang. Chris and
"athan were looking blankly at ea#h other. ,e's fa#e wasn't as
indifferent as usual> something like disbelief and fear #louded her
e7pression.
Mrs Montgomery was the first person to re#oer her #omposure. 9he
gestured towards the door. "Come in, Mr $ellar."
!he tall, gorgeous guy I re#ogni2ed from the day at 0ig Happy 6amily
stepped into the room, shaking shaggy dark hair off his fa#e. His
intense dark eyes raked the room, meeting mine. ' shier of
foreboding passed down my ba#k.
"one of the Champagne $ang moed to greet him. !hey were still
gaping, eyes wide.
"May I ask why you're late, Mr $ellar)" said Mrs Montgomery. "I
beliee you were supposed to #ome ba#k this morning, espe#ially
after 4rin#ipal Cartwright was kind enough to gie you the entire first
week of s#hool off."
9o this wasn't &ust a isit. ?a#h $ellar was ba#k for good, ba#k from
boarding s#hool. I s;uee2ed my eyes shut, unable to beliee how
in#redibly unfortunate my life seemed to be getting.
"I didn't feel like waking up," said ?a#h, with a #areless shrug.
Mrs Montgomery was stony-fa#ed. "(hy bother to #ome at all, then)"
?a#h shrugged again. "6igured you might want to see me so you #an
imagine raishing me at night, 4enelope."
' timid-looking freshman girl gasped in sho#k> she wasn't the only
one. ' few boys, howeer, looked as if they were en&oying themseles
thoroughly, and that in#luded "athan (ellington himself.
Mrs Montgomery's e7pression didn't #hange. "I'm married, Mr $ellar."
"!hat's what they all say."
"'nd this period is going to end in pre#isely twenty minutes, so I
suggest you leae now."
?a#h pi#ked up a white ase with a single pink rose in it that was lying
on Mrs Montgomery's desk. "!his #ome from your husband,
4enelope)"
/o7anne got up swiftly and strode a#ross to ?a#h. !he ne7t se#ond,
she had her arms around his ne#k and was #linging to him so tightly
that I was sure she wanted to #hoke him to death.
"+ou're ba#k," she said, and burst into tears.
?a#h looked down at her with an unfathomable e7pression. "(hen
you're done with the melodrama%"
/o7anne ignored him. "(hat are you doing here)" she sobbed out.
"+ou're supposed to be at 'ndoer! 're you ba#k for good) (hy
aren't you at 'ndoer) I #an't beliee you're here! (here hae you
been hiding) (hen did you #ome ba#k)"
"I got ki#ked out of 'ndoer," ?a#h said #almly.
!he bu22, whi#h had ;uieted down a little, started up again, as loud
and strong as eer.
"I'e been here for a month now 1 &ust haen't felt like hanging out
with you guys." ?a#h pulled away a little. "+ou #an let go now,
Cartwright. My shirt's soaked."
/o7anne loosened her grip on his shoulders and gae him a tearful
smile. "'sshole. +ou haen't #hanged."
9lowly, as if /o7anne's moement had defrosted them, the
Champagne $ang got to their feet. I #ould sense the tension hoering
in the air as they walked up to ?a#h. I #ould sense that there were
se#rets between them, things they'd done, a lot of history they didn't
want to speak about. I #ould sense that none of them had e7pe#ted
?a#h to #ome ba#k, and that none of them really knew how they felt
about it.
"Hey, man," Chris said stiffly, his easygoing smile absent.
?a#h nodded at him. "Hey." He looked at "athan, his e7pression
unreadable, #ompletely silent.
"athan opened his mouth, then shut it again, wat#hing ?a#h warily.
"(ould you two hug already)" /o7anne demanded impatiently, sliding
off ?a#h.
"either of them moed. !hen "athan held out his hand, an awkward
smile on his fa#e. ?a#h looked down at it in silen#e.
"(el#ome ba#k, man," "athan said stiffly.
?a#h smiled. It was a smile far more unpleasant than a frown #ould
hae been, be#ause the bitterness in it e7#eeded all bounds. He took
"athan's hand, but it wasn't a friendly handshake. It was a grip that
suggested enmity, hostility, antagonism. "&hank you, (ellington."
/o7anne broke the tense silen#e. "Hey, what do you hae for last
period) 8et's #ut and #at#h up!"
Mrs Montgomery, who'd been wat#hing the drama unfold in intrigued
silen#e, bristled. "Mr $ellar has #ut enough, Miss Cartwright 1 "
/o7anne didn't pay her any attention. "(hat do you say, ?a#h) Chris)
,e) "ate)"
"9orry," ?a#h said #oolly. "I like 39 History."
/o7anne shook her head. "*on't tell me boarding s#hool turned you
into a geek!"
"0oarding s#hool turned me into a lot of things you don't want to know
about," said ?a#h ;uietly.
'nother tense pause followed. !his time, "athan broke it. "9o let's do
something after s#hool."
?a#h shrugged. "(hateer. +ou know where I lie."
(ith that, he turned and strode out of the room as abruptly as he'd
entered.
I wouldn't hae oerheard them if I hadn't left my 0io notebook in my
,nglish #lass. 0ut I had, and my first 0io test was #oming up> I didn't
intend to bomb it. 9o, een though I was already out of the s#hool
building and on my way to freedom, I turned around and hurried ba#k
inside. I would hae #harged straight into the room if /o7anne's oi#e
hadn't floated out at that pre#ise moment and stopped me in my
tra#ks.
"-kay, what do you think you're doing)" /o7anne was demanding.
"+ou &ealous)" said "athan's oi#e.
"-f that 1 creature)" /o7anne said #ontemptuously. "I think not. 0ut I
don't get it. (hat on earth possessed you to ask her to sit with us for
lun#h)"
"-h, #ome on, you #an't possibly be that dim," said "athan
in#redulously. "+ou don't think I like her, do you)"
"(ell, then, you want to hae se7 with her. 6ine. 0ut why her) !here's
:arin (u hanging on your eery word, and you haen't een asked
her on a single date yet 1 "
"It's not een that."
"(hat, then)" /o7anne asked impatiently.
"*on't you see how she treats me) 8ike shit. Hae you seen any girl
ever treat me like that before)"
"-h, my $od, "athan, please stop getting all ot %nother &een $ovie
1 "
"(hat's wrong with making her fall for me, a little) 'll I need is to get a
little #lose, she'll stop a#ting like I'm some Mafia leader, and we're
done. I'm not going to let her make me the laughingsto#k of !hornton,
/o7."
/o7anne sighed. "9o you want to play with her feelings to keep your
reputation inta#t."
!here was a pause. !hen "athan said thoughtfully, "(hen you put it
like that%"
""o, no, you are not ba#king out. It's a great idea. I approe. +ou do
your part in ruining her life and I'll do mine."
"+ou really are a bit#h, /o7y," "athan said ;uietly.
"9he lost me my boyfriend, "athan."
"+ou don't een #are about him. Can't you &ust forget what happened
with :ettering)"
"8ook who's talking. +ou're the one planning to break 8ittle Miss
"obody's heart."
"athan seemed to be hesitating. "I 1 I guess," he said relu#tantly at
last.
I felt slightly si#k. "athan was an asshole. He was &ust as bad as =a22
said /o7anne and ?a#h were, e7#ept that he seemed to hae some
sort of #ons#ien#e, from the way he'd hesitated before agreeing with
/o7anne. 0ut I was one step ahead, and I wasn't going to fall for his
plan.
"9o," /o7anne said, dropping her oi#e suddenly. "?a#h's ba#k."
"+es," "athan said, and his oi#e seemed for#ed.
"He seems different," /o7anne said, almost timidly. "*on't you think)"
"athan laughed. "He seems like the same sardoni# asshole as eer."
"+es 1 but he seems harder. 8ike he doesn't een trust us anymore."
"!hat's ridi#ulous, /o7. $ie the guy a break. He hasn't seen us for
months and he's a suspi#ious kind of guy, he isn't going to #ome
&umping into our arms immediately the way you would."
"I know, but don't you get the feeling that he kind of 1 resents us)"
"(hy on earth would he 1 "
"(e didn't write to him, "ate," /o7anne went on. "(e didn't email or
#all or isit. He got kicked out and he didn't tell us. He's been here ,or
a month and we didn't know 1 "
"Maybe he took the whole *enise thing harder than we thought he
would."
"+ou shouldn't hae gone out with her right after they broke up, "ate."
"-kay, you went out with =ean two days after we broke up 1 "
"+ou and I aren't like ?a#h, "athan! He wanted *enise 1 a lot. +ou
and I didn't gie shit about ea#h other as anything but friends by then!"
!here was another silen#e. !hen "athan said, ery ;uietly, "9o you
think ?a#h is mad at us be#ause of me."
"o, "ate. (e'e all negle#ted him. (e'e got to make it up to him,
okay) !onight. 8et's go to the /egen#y after dinner and hang out 1 "
/eali2ing that I'd heard far more than I wanted to, I turned and fled. I'd
hae to get another 0io book and abandon my first one as lost.
(hen I got home, 'nn's bedroom door was a&ar. "9ummer," she #alled
as I made my way past it.
"Hey," I said, for#ing a smile. My stepmother was pale and drawn,
eyes deeply set into the hollow of her fa#e. 9he'd always been
slender, but now she was nothing but skin and bones.
"!here isn't any orange &ui#e," 'nn said un#ertainly, s;uinting up at
me. "I looked into the free2er this morning and it wasn't there%"
9he was like a bewildered #hild wondering at the absen#e of a faorite
toy.
I remembered the days when 'nn and I had gone gro#ery shopping
eery three weeks. 'nn would make a shopping list longer and more
oluminous than my eighth-grade history notes, and when we took a
#ab home, I would always sit in the front seat be#ause the ba#k seat
would be groaning under piles of food. 'nn would say that we needed
eerything essential for surial during the ne7t three weeks be#ause
we #ouldn't be sure that an earth;uake or a bla#kout wouldn't o##ur
by the time the fortnight ended.
!hat was the 'nn that I had known. !he 'nn that I had known was
bossy and #omposed and always in #ontrol. !he 'nn that I had known
wore e7pensie, imma#ulate suits to work, went to the gym eery
eening, and #ooked deli#ious dinners for her kids. !he 'nn that I had
known knew how to deal with all kinds of emergen#ies ranging from
disastrous floods to disastrous dinner parties.
!he 'nn that I knew now, after "eil's death, wore sweatpants and old
(illiams sweatshirts day in and day out and spent her days gorging
on tubs of i#e-#ream while she wat#hed bad daytime teleision and
read bad roman#e noels.
"I'll get the &ui#e," I said, trying to in&e#t effi#ien#y into my raw, tired
oi#e.
"!hank you," 'nn said faintly, her eyes wandering away from my fa#e.
"Ingrid, I loe you!" !he blue eyed half-8atino guy on the !. inside the
master bedroom de#lared passionately to an e7#essiely bu7om,
e7#essiely leggy blonde. "I'll neer leae you!"
"+ou always promise me that, !hierry," the leggy, bu7om blonde said
sadly. "'nd you neer keep your promise. "eer!"
'nn wat#hed raptly, her pale, long fingers #linging to her e;ually pale,
long fa#e.
I ba#ked away into my own room, reali2ing that my efforts to wake
'nn up from the world she seemed to be immersed in these days
would be futile.
-n#e in my room, I #alled Curtis from our home phone. He pi#ked up
after a long time. "+eah)" his oi#e demanded impatiently.
"Hey, it's me." I #hewed my inde7 fingernail, thinking of the weird
#onersation that morning.
"9ummer." Curtis's tone softened, but he didn't sound as pleased to
be talking to me as he had in the morning. "How was your first day of
your se#ond week)"
-kay. 9o he wasn't going to bring up the phone se7 thing. $ood,
be#ause I didn't want to go there, either. "!he people I met last week
are &ust as horrible as eer, and they hate me. -h, and this life-ruining
guy #ame ba#k 1 "
!here was female laughter in the ba#kground. "$et your ass down
here, 0anks! +ou #an sweet-talk your girl later!" *ean, one of Curt's
basketball buddies, yelled, so loud that I #ould hear him through the
phone.
"8isten, I hae to go," Curtis said ;ui#kly. "I'm at 8an#e /edford's
party. He de#ided to apply early to (illiams, so we're #elebrating."
%nd you don't want to have to deal with my problems/ (as it &ust the
se7 thing that was twigging him out, or was it more) "-kay," I said,
trying not to let the disappointment show in my oi#e. "Hae fun."
"+eah," said Curtis distra#tedly. "!hanks."
I swallowed. "I, um. 8oe you."
"Me, too," Curtis mumbled, and then the dial tone hit my ear loudly.
I put the phone down, trying not to read too mu#h into what had &ust
happened. He was busy, that was all. It didn't mean he didn't want to
talk to me, or was #heating on me, or &ust didn't like me all that mu#h
anymore 1 I blinked, refusing to let myself start #rying. I would do
some homework, make dinner, go to bed. (hat was the point of tears,
anyway) I had to stay #alm and organi2ed 1 or my family would fall
apart een more than they already had.
I opened my algebra book. !he first page had '"athan (ellington
ro#ks my world" written oer it in a messy, sprawling handwriting. I
stared down at it for a few se#onds, fro2en. I #he#ked the #oer. It had
my name on it in CeeCee's neat writing 1 that hadn't #hanged. 9o the
book was mine. 0ut I hadn't written that senten#e about "athan 1 I
hadn't! I had been assigned to sit with /alph 0otterill during algebra,
but we hadn't shared my book, so there was no way he #ould hae
written it. !he rest of the day, my book had been in my desk, e7#ept
during third-period study hall, when I'd sat in the library. "athan, as a
$alloway 4refe#t, had been patrolling the library, #he#king random
books that kids were studying to make sure they weren't library books
being stolen 1 athan. -f #ourse it was "athan.
I pulled the 9#hool *ire#tory out from under my bed and sear#hed for
his home address. His house, when I got there, was so magnifi#ent
that it s#reamed an establishment of serants, but "athan himself
opened the door, looking pretty magnifi#ent himself in formal pants
and a tie with his golden hair sli#ked ba#k and his fa#e #lean and pink-
#heeked, as if he'd been playing in the wind. "9ummer," was all he
had time to say before I shoed my book, open to the first page, in
front of his nose.
"Care to e7plain)" I hissed.
"athan held up his hands, palms up, grinning. !he grin infuriated me.
"I #ouldn't resist."
"(hat the ,uck is that supposed to mean)"
"I &ust wanted you to think of me while you were going about doing
whateer it is that you do all day." His ga2e was melting. "Is that su#h
a bad thing, 9ummer) ' hot guy wanting you to think of him)"
"+es, it is, "athan. ,spe#ially when that guy is as mu#h of an asshole
as you are." 9omehow, fa#ing the a#tual #onfrontation, I felt mu#h
#almer than I had in my room.
"athan grinned again. "'t least you haen't tried to deny that I'm hot."
I resisted the urge to sma#k his head with my book. "+ou're
unbelieable."
"I hae to say, this worked better than I thought it would," "athan said.
He stepped #loser, and I felt my heart slam against my rib #age in
spite of myself. He grabbed the book from me and held it aloft. "I
e7pe#ted you to maybe #all me up and s#ream at me. 0ut a#tually
#oming to my house 1 want to stay for dinner) I wouldn't mind some
#ompany. My parents are in Chi#ago for the weekend."
I kept my e7pression #alm and #old. "I know what you're doing,
"athan."
"I know you do. I told you what I'm doing. I'm flirting with you."
"I heard you and /o7anne in the ,nglish #lassroom today."
"(hat 1 oh, shit." 6or a minute, "athan's #onfiden#e waered.
"9ummer, I 1 "
"(hateer you're trying to do, it won't work on me. I know guys like
you, and I know what they want, and I know how not to gie them
what they want. I hae better things to do than waste my time playing
games with you. I want you to leave me alone. $ot it)"
"athan took a step forward. "I get it, but I'm not sure I want to follow
your instru#tions."
I ba#ked away. "I mean it, "athan. 8eae me alone."
"-kay, here's the deal." Confident "athan was ba#k in a#tion. "+ou let
me kiss you on#e, publi#ly, and I'll leae you alone."
I stared at him. "What)"
"athan smiled. "-ne kiss. +ou'll en&oy it. I #an guarantee that."
"I don't 1 if you think 1 "
"!hink about it, 9ummer. -ne little kiss, and I'll leae you alone. "o
more things written in your books, no more hot guys flirting with you,
no more me annoying you%"
"4ubli#ly," I repeated.
"athan's lips twisted into a grin. "*o we hae a deal)"
I hesitated. He eidently took the silen#e as #onsent, be#ause at that
moment, he bent down and kissed me on the lips. I'd already known
that he was more e7perien#ed than Curtis had been, but still, I hadn't
e7pe#ted the kiss to be as good as it turned out to be. 6or a moment, I
wished I #ould kiss him ba#k and drag him off to a deserted #orner,
but then his tongue brushed my lips and I pulled ba#k, shoing him
for#efully away from me. I had a boyfriend I loed 1 what was I doing
lo#king lips with "athan (ellington) "(hat the hell was that)" I
sputtered.
"I thought we had a deal," "athan said inno#ently.
"+ou weren't supposed to kiss me now, you toad," I stuttered. "+ou
said publicly. !hat means when people are watching!"
"athan shrugged, unperturbed, and nodded at something behind me.
"He's wat#hing."
I spun around. "He" was standing fro2en at the edge of the drieway, a
bulky ba#kpa#k on his shoulders, wat#hing us with a #ontemplatie
e7pression. -n#e again, I #ouldn't understand the look in his eyes.
-n#e again, his presen#e disturbed me and in&e#ted fear for my
wellbeing into my mind. -n#e again, ?a#hary =ames $ellar had
shown up when I'd least e7pe#ted him to.
"+ou were #rying last night," obsered Mi#hael.
I looked up at my older brother in ama2ement. (e were the only ones
in the kit#hen that morning> eeryone else was either asleep or had
left already. I didn't really hae anyone to talk to in 8inbury, e7#ept for
=a22 sometimes, but een in my moments of desperation I wouldn't
hae gone to Mi#hael. He was too mu#h like me 1 suspi#ious, silent,
and with walls around his heart that were higher and steelier than my
father's.
I shrugged and shoeled some #ereal into my mouth. I #ould #ount on
Mi#hael not to pry.
I had been #rying last night after I got ba#k from "athan's, dull muffled
sobs that I'd tried to flatten into my pillow. I'd started writing a letter to
Curtis at three in the morning, thinking that if I got all my feelings for
him into the open, he would forget eerything that had eer gone
wrong and we'd go ba#k to the way we used to be. 0ut how #an you
#onin#e someone who's probably stopped loing you to loe you
again) How do you go about finding words that tell them e7a#tly how
mu#h you loe them, and how #an those words be strong enough to
#ompel them to stop feeling indifferent to you) It's impossible.
"How's that fan#y new s#hool of yours)" said Mi#hael. It was yet
another sho#ker. !his was the first time I'd seen him open his mouth
twi#e in fie minutes.
Mi#hael was only a #ouple of years older than me, so he should hae
been going through !hornton with me this year. 0ut he had gotten into
Harard two years early after designing some sort of medi#ine-related
#omputer software that had biology geeks foaming at the mouth with
e7#itement, and he'd gotten twelfth grade off to intern at 8inbury
Hospital and sit around in his shorts. 9ometimes I felt like the failure of
my family 1 I was neither beautiful and popular, like CeeCee, nor
brilliant and studious like Mi#hael.
"!he s#hool's fine," I said non#ommittally. Mi#hael hesitated, as if he
wanted to ask more ;uestions, but then he looked ba#k down at his
6rosted 6lakes. !hank $od.
!he door-bell rang. I offered to get it, but Mi#hael was already on his
way to the door. I sighed, figuring that I &ust had to be the most boring
person on the planet if silent, serious Mi#hael #ouldn't stand being
alone with me for long. I heard muted oi#es in the #orridor outside,
and then Mi#hael said briefly, "9he's in the kit#hen." I turned around in
my #hair. (ho would be asking for me this early in the morning) '
wild, irrational hope sprang into my mind. "urtis%
0ut it wasn't my boyfriend who stepped into the room. It was "athan
(ellington.
I dropped my spoon into my bowl of #ereal and shot to my feet. (hat
the hell was he doing here) My home was supposed to be my
san#tuary, a safe haen away from the rigid politi#al system and the
daily humiliation I had to fa#e at !hornton. How dare "athan
(ellington inade my pria#y) "Hey," he was saying, as #omfortably
as if he stepped into my kit#hen at seen am eery morning. (ith his
broad shoulders and impressie height, he seemed to fill the room.
"(hat's up)"
I #ast a nerous glan#e at Mi#hael. My brother didn't betray any
interest in what was going on. Instead, he lifted his shoulder bag off
the kit#hen #ounter, patted my head in an un#hara#teristi# gesture,
and walked out. I turned on "athan the moment Mi#hael was out of
earshot. "(hat do you think you're doing)" I hissed.
"*riing you to s#hool." "athan's tone made it sound so obious. He
grinned rakishly. "+ou and me, my #ar, the wind. /omanti#, isn't it)"
"It is not romantic," I sputtered.
"athan ignored me. ""i#e kit#hen," he said, looking around the room.
!he kit#hen #ounter hadn't been #leaned in a month, there was an
open #an of -reos gathering dust on the table, the dirty dishes in the
sink were piled up into a tall tower, and he wanted me to beliee that
he thought my kit#hen was ni#e) "+ou're not supposed to be here!"
"athan finally deigned to look at me. "(hy not)"
"(e had a deal, "athan." I stepped #loser to him. "(e kissed in
publi#. 0ut that's it. !he deal didn't in#lude you showing up at my
house. ,er. +ou will neer do this again. 3nderstand)"
"athan grinned again. "+ou're hiding something in your house, aren't
you) 9o what is it) *id you eer star in pornos) 0e#ause that would
be e7tremely interesting 1 "
I grabbed his arm and yanked it, hard. He didn't look as if I'd hurt him
at all 1 I probably hadn't 1 but I hadn't been able to resist the urge.
"(ould you &ust leave)"
"athan shrugged. "I guess I #ould go now." He stepped #loser this
time. "0ut at some point of time, I'll stop leaing. 'nd then you'll &ust
hae to deal with the fa#t that I won't stop trying until you flirt ba#k."
He winked. "0esides, that kiss wasn't really publi# enough."
' #rash sounded from upstairs &ust as he stepped out of the door. I
e7haled slowly. Hadley was awake. 6urious, probably drunk Hadley,
who #ould hae gien all of my se#rets away to "athan. 0ut he was
gone, and &ust in time. 'nd yet the ;ueasiness in the pit of my
stoma#h told me that the respite was temporary. I'd agreed to kiss
"athan so that he would stop annoying me, but it seemed like my plan
had ba#kfired < I had only pi;ued his ego and for#ed him to want to
make me fall in loe with him for real.
(hen would this madness stop)
*uring 'ssembly, I sat at the ba#k, doodling in my ,nglish notebook.
!he Champagne $ang, predi#tably, sat in the front row together. ?a#h
was there with them 1 apparently &ust as mu#h as a part of them as
eer, although he didn't say mu#h to them, &ust turned on his i4od and
ignored /o7anne's efforts to make him listen to the announ#ements.
!here were si7 4refe#ts in ea#h #lass at !hornton in #harge of student
dis#ipline, and they made all the announ#ements in turns. !he
morning "athan dropped by at my house, it was the turn of the
seniors 1 "athan, *erek :ettering, :arin (u, 8ola (esley, and two
other boys I didn't know.
!hey were making an announ#ement that seemed to be generating a
lot of enthusiasm, &udging from the applause and hoots of the #rowd.
"-kay, guys, it's time for the annual fundraiser 1 "hocolate !earts,
baby!" one of the boys said, and the other 4refe#ts #heered.
"6or those of you who're unlu#ky enough not to know what that is, it's
our annual fundraiser to pay for student administration," said 8ola
(esley. ""ow listen #arefully - !he /egen#y 1 that's a restaurant
downtown 1 #loses doors to the general publi# for one night, and it
be#omes a haunt for !hornton students. +ou go with a date, you drink,
you dan#e, the male half of the #ouple pays, and twenty per#ent of
what the /egen#y gets is paid to us."
I doodled a flower on my notebook #oer, already sure I wouldn't be
going.
"*on't make it look so simple, 8ola," said "athan. "!here's more.
"hocolate !earts is #ompulsorily #ouples-only, but some girls don't
get dates and the /egen#y loses out on business. 0esides,
parti#ipation is also #ompulsory. 9o it's a rule that girls gie in papers
with their names and phone numbers to :arin here, the papers are put
in a bo7 that stays with the "hocolate !earts Committee, the guys
#ome by and draw out a paper ea#h, and the girl they get is their date.
It's totally #ompulsory. If a girl has a boyfriend, they ea#h buy a ti#ket
and it #osts them twenty dollars more. 4arti#ipation fees is twenty
dollars, handed oer to :arin. +ou guys get it)"
I dropped my pen#il and sat up straight. !wenty dollars was double my
weekly allowan#e. I knew I #ould get *ad to #ough up the e7tra
money, howeer> that wasn't the issue. !he issue was that !hornton
seemed to #onsider its students to be made of money, and I wasn't 1
who knew how many more fundraisers there would be and how many
more sums of twenty dollars I would be re;uired to submit) It wasn't
right, it wasn't fair, that parti#ipating in fundraisers was #ompulsory.
!here was another, more pressing problem. !he system of a #hit of
paper with my name on it, determining my night 1 and perhaps my
whole future at !hornton. (hat if "athan (ellington pi#ked me as his
date)
In Homeroom a few days 1 of hiding from "athan and the rest of the
Champagne $ang 1 later, the &uniors were giing presentations on the
topi# of '!eenagers in !oday's 9o#iety'. 'my "orris went first> she used
#ardboard #utouts as props and talked about brand endorsements
and the influen#e of moie stars. =ake 0la#k was ne7t, with his
presentation on the absen#e of 0ibli#al knowledge in teenagers'
minds, whi#h made =ason !owne, a =ewish freshman, so angry that
he walked out of #lass. /o7anne Cartwright followed, and the room
fell respe#tfully silent as she fli#ked on a swit#h and the image of a girl
in #argoes and a Hawthorne Heights t-shirt filled the s#reen set up
ne7t to the bla#kboard.
In my seat, I stiffened, my stoma#h #len#hing suddenly as I
re#ogni2ed the girl on the s#reen. It was Hadley. My stepsister.
"rap.
"!his is one of today's teens, who I obsered oer the week as a sort
of surey," /o7anne said, her throaty oi#e dropping slightly. "9he
lies in a ni#e house in a beautiful town, wears ni#e #lothes 1 well, I
suppose it depends on your tastes, but at least the #loth isn't shabby 1
probably goes to a good s#hool%but she's not happy."
-n s#reen, the #amera panned ba#kwards to show my house 1 my
house 1 as Hadley stormed out the door muttering a stream of
e7plosies and holding an open #an of 0ud. !here was 'nn at the
door 1 sad, ulnerable, frightened 'nn, who seemed to be pleading
with Hadley for something. Hadley held up her middle finger, tossed
the #an into the bushes, puked into the paement, and started
running, whooping wildly.
' #ouple of students sni#kered. 9ome were looking bored, many had
their heads on their desks 1 but I #ouldn't tear my eyes away from the
images on the s#reen. I #ould feel the bottom dropping out of my
stoma#h, my palms #urling into fists of their own a##ord. I bit my
bottom lip, hard, with a strange sense of wat#hing my life flash by
before my eyes. I knew that what was #oming would be worse.
Hadley was &umping up the steps of a bus, and then the bus was
moing out of 8inbury into (oosterten, a seedy town &ust outside the
state. It was to "ew =ersey what the .alley was to 8os 'ngeles.
Hadley was running again, and then she stopped in front of a slea2y-
looking stru#ture with a few ele#tri# lights that was obiously some
kind of night#lub. 9he entered as if she'd been there many, many
times before, and aulted up on a stool before the bar.
6or a se#ond, the #amera went blank. (hen it fli#kered to life again,
Hadley was gyrating on the #ounter of the bar. I wat#hed in stupefied
horror as she threw up her arms and slid her Hawthorne Heights t-
shirt off her head, then flung it into the dan#e floor below her.
9ome guys hooted. 't that moment, I hated them. I hated them
be#ause I #ouldn't hate Curtis or /a#hel or my parents> I hated them
with the hatred I wouldn't allow myself to feel for Hadley> I hated them
as for#efully as I hated myself for being foolish enough to beliee that
things would get better if I &ust left the remains of my old life behind.
!he guy behind the #ounter slid something oer the #ounter to Hadley.
/o7anne was starting to speak again. "(hy is this girl so troubled)
(hy does she need cocaine to surie) *oesn't she hae a family)
*oesn't she hae anyone she #an talk to) -r is eeryone in her family
so #aught up in their own lies 1 you know, doing their own thing,
getting good grades, making new friends, breaking up relationships%"
!hat was when reali2ation hit me with a sharp, sudden stab. It wasn't
&ust #han#e that /o7anne had found Hadley of all people to 'surey'%
she'd done it on purpose. 9he had found my house, my family, my
se#rets 1 or some of them 1, and she'd used it all to hurt me. I
tou#hed my forehead with shaking fingers. It was burning. I found it
diffi#ult to beliee that /o7anne had pulled off something so
impossible and #ruel, something that would wound me without anyone
reali2ing it, but as her eyes met mine for a moment, they fli#kered with
bored triumph, and I knew for sure 1 I didn't know how, but /o7anne
Cartwright had managed to get her reenge.
I #ouldn't sit there and wat#h my stepsister ruin herself anymore. I
#ouldn't take it all in 1 that Hadley was taking drugs, that /o7anne
was getting reenge 1 without my head bursting. I got to my feet and
walked steadily to the door, determined to at least walk out with
dignity. "obody tried to stop me 1 they were too engrossed in
wat#hing my stepsister snort #oke. (orst of all was the fa#t that while
I #ould es#ape for now, there was no way I #ould leae !hornton for
eer, be#ause I had nowhere to go.
/o#hester 4ark, where my steps led me, was deserted and ;uiet. I sat
down on a ben#h and drew my knees up to my #hin, tilting my head
upwards to look at the sky. My tears blurred my sight, but I #ould still
make out the #lear, unblemished blue and the spotless white of the
#louds sailing unhurriedly oer the glinting sun. !he brightness of the
sky was almost unbearable. I bowed my head, feeling tears stream
down my #heeks. Cir#umstan#es were spiraling out of #ontrol.
I didn't know how long I'd been there when the oi#e tore into my
reerie.
"(hat the fu#k are you doing on my ben#h)"
I looked up. My palm &umped to hide my tear-streaked #heeks
refle7iely. It was ?a#h $ellar, smoking a #igarette and ki#king at stray
leaes, the typi#al s#owl on his fa#e. I blinked, shoing tears ba#k into
my eyes. He was yet another ri#h bastard who didn't know what it was
to want things so bad that life felt like a gaping bla#k hole without
those things. He was entitled to eerything money #ould buy, perhaps>
but he wasn't entitled to the satisfa#tion of seeing me weep and
#ower.
"!his isn't your ben#h," I said defiantly.
He rolled his eyes, looking uninterested. "(e'll pretend you didn't say
that if you leae right now."
I shot him my i#iest glare. "I repeat 1 this isn't your ben#h. Contrary to
what you and your ,riends beliee, this town doesn't belong to you.
!his park isn't yours. !herefore, I repeat again < this is not your
ben#h."
"(hoa," said a oi#e. "athan (ellington stood by the slides, hands
shoed into the po#kets of his #har#oal grey bla2er. His eyebrows
were raised, a strange refle#tie smile ;uirking his lips.
"(hat are you doing here)" ?a#h asked la2ily. He gae a distin#t
impression of not really #aring about the other person's response.
"Man, /o7y's looking for you," "athan said, turning his ga2e away
from me. "(e figured you'd be here. (hy aren't you answering your
phone)"
?a#h looked amused. "9in#e when do you #ut #lass to run errands for
/o7y)"
"athan shook his head. "I'm not. !he 9o#ials Committee needed me
to pi#k up fairy lights for 9aturday night. Cartwright gae me the hour
off. !he stuff's ba#k in my #ar. If you're going ba#k to !hornton, lug
some of it oer, okay)"
?a#h didn't respond. Instead, he slowly stubbed out his #igarette on a
swing and looked at me. "8ook, kid. "o matter what you think, this
spot is mine. I'e been #oming here sin#e pres#hool. I'll let it go now,
sin#e you're 1 " He smirked unpleasantly. " 1 obiously going through
a lot of mental anguish. 0ut ne7t time, don't let me find you here."
He turned and slou#hed off. I made a fa#e at his retreating ba#k. (ho
did he think he was)
"athan sat down ne7t to me. "+ou okay)"
I #onsidered for a moment. "o, I wasn't okay. 'nd who was he to ask
me if I was) "*o you #are)"
"9ummer." He threw up his hands in a gesture of surrender. "+es, I
#are. (hy'd that presentation thing upset you so mu#h)"
I looked at him. "I #an't beliee you're insensitie enough to ask."
"athan sighed. "+ou don't hae to tell me if you don't want to. 0ut do
you 1 do you know that #hi#k) -r did you know someone who was,
you know, a #oke whore 1 "
I widened my eyes in frustration. "$od, "athan, what is wrong with
you) *idn't your parents tea#h you not to go around asking
inappropriate ;uestions)"
"My parents were neer around mu#h," "athan said ;uietly.
I instantly regretted my words. "-h."
"+eah," "athan said, wriggling his toes in his bla#k boots. "My *ad
traels all the time, and my Mom 1 well 1 haing me fu#ked up her
#areer, and she &ust #ouldn't handle a baby instead of haing to
handle si7-in#h stilletos and topless photos, so she started taking
drugs. 9he went into rehab when I was ten after trying to kill herself."
' heay silen#e surged around us, as sudden as it was potent. I
looked at him un#ertainly, not sure what to say. (hat did people say in
these situations) "(ow. I'm 1 I'm sorry."
"9he was Miss Indiana in the year ABBB," said "athan solemnly.
I glan#ed at him, frowning. !he e7aggerated sadness of his tone had
prooked my suspi#ions. He looked ba#k seriously for longer than I'd
e7pe#ted> then his lips #urled upwards and he burst out laughing. I
tried hard to feel angry, but I #ouldn't resist smiling. "+ou are so full of
#rap," I stated, amused.
"athan winked. "Hey, you're the one who fell for it."
"4oor little ri#h boy," I said, nodding. "6oolproof way to%fool people."
"+eah, well, I made you smile. 6orgie my insensitiity)" "athan held
his hand out in an oerstated gesture of begging for forgieness. I
didn't take it, but I a#knowledged the gesture with a slight nod. (e
grinned at ea#h other, and for the first time sin#e I had started
!hornton, I felt myself rela7. "athan was ;uite a guy. Maybe his
#harm was part of his player me#hanism, but for a se#ond at least, I
let myself en&oy it.
"Hey, you know what)" "athan ;uirked an eyebrow, his green eyes
gleaming. "!hat was%interesting, what you said to ?a#h. It was kind
of hot, in fa#t."
6or a while, I had stopped thinking of my relationship with "athan> I'd
forgotten that I was the dorky new girl and he was the oer#onfident
&a#kass trying to get into my pants. "ow, the thoughts #ame flooding
ba#k, the humiliation stinging afresh. I got to my feet and grabbed my
bag.
"(ant a ride ba#k to s#hool)" "athan asked, leaning ba#k against the
ben#h.
I shook my head. "I #an get there on my own," I said free2ingly.
He looked pu22led. "I thought we were haing a ni#e #onersation."
"(e were," I said. "'nd now we aren't. I'm not one of your groupie
girls who like being flirted with, "athan."
"I wasn't flirting with you," "athan said, as if it was the most obious
thing in the world. "It really was hot, the way you stood up to ?a#h. I
meant what I said."
"(hateer," I muttered, but a part of me felt kind of flattered.
"9o," "athan said. "+ou want a ride)"
""athan," I said, and then I paused, wondering what to say. "+ou
know, the whole reason I didn't slap you silly last night after I let you
kiss me was that you'd leave me alone."
"+es, well," said "athan. He smiled at me again, and I noti#ed the way
his green eyes lit up when the #orners of his mouth stret#hed. "I #an't
help it if our paths #ross, #an I) I guess 6ate means for us to hang
out, een if you don't want to."
' #heesy line, but somehow, #heesiness worked on him &ust as well
as intense ga2es and da22ling smiles.
"I'e got a pretty wide sele#tion of musi# in my #ar," "athan said. "+ou
might find something you like. If, that is, you want to #ome with me."
"I'm not going ba#k to s#hool," I said resolutely.
"athan shrugged. "I #an drop you off at your house, then."
-h, what the hell. He was more than #ute, he was buttering me up,
and as long as I didn't trust him or fall for his #orny lines, I'd be okay.
"6ine," I agreed. "0ut you hae to drop me off at the bus-stop. "ot my
house. 't the beginning of the lane. If you go any further, I'll%destroy
your musi#."
"'wesome," said "athan, grinning. He rubbed his head, tousling up
his fine, sandy-blond hair. If I'd been born with hair like that, ?a#h
$ellar would neer hae asked for a hotter waitress.
""athan)"
"+eah)"
"!his does not, in any way, mean that we are friends, or that I'm going
to fall for what you're trying to do with me. I'm &ust a##epting the ride
be#ause it's #onenient. 'nd I would appre#iate it if you would stay
away from my house."
"If that's what you want," said "athan #asually.
"It is what I want," I said irritably.
His e7pression was, strangely enough, one of admiration. "+ou know
what the funny part is)"
(ho said I #ared) "(hat)"
"I think you a#tually mean that."
"I do," I said firmly.
"9o we're neer going to be friends)"
I tu#ked a strand of my hair behind my ear. ""ope."
""ot more than friends)"
""athan, I heard you tell /o7anne that you want to break my heart to
enhan#e your reputation, and now you think I'll trust you enough to
eer be with you)" I said, unable to stop ehemen#e from #reeping
into my tone.
"athan smiled #onfidently. "(e'll see how long you last."
I glared at him. "(hat the hell is that supposed to mean)"
"I'm a persistent guy, 9ummer. (hen I want something, I don't gie up
till I get it." He opened the door of his #ar for me gallantly. "'nd I what
I want right now is for you to stop thinking I'm an asshole and reali2e
that maybe I'm better than I seem."
I slid into the seat. "'nd maybe you're worse."
I didn't feel like going to s#hool the ne7t morning, but of #ourse I had
to do the responsible thing and go. I had to talk to my homeroom
tea#her about my s#hedule, and when I e7ited her offi#e, /o7anne
Cartwright was waiting outside.
"It smells funny in here," she said sweetly, when she saw me. "8ike%
desperation and defeat, maybe) *id you en&oy the presentation)"
I tried to imitate her #alm and smiled a #lose-mouthed smile. "How did
you do it)"
"*o what)" said /o7anne inno#ently.
I looked her in the eye. "*id you pay Hadley to do all those things on
the #amera)"
"-h, please." /o7anne sighed. "Hadley, huh) !hat's her name) +our
#oke whore of a sister or #ousin or whateer the #rap she is)"
I had to dig my nails into my palm to stop myself from lashing out at
her, whi#h I knew would be a#tual physi#al sui#ide. "I don't think you
a#tually want to know."
"9o dramati#." /o7anne fanned the air in front of her nose deli#ately.
"It's simple, sweetheart. I found your address from the *ire#tory and I
hired a 4I to wat#h your house. I knew I'd find something 1 you hae
that se#retie air, you know) 1 but I hae to admit, I had no idea it
would be that good, and I had some plan 0s lined up, &ust in #ase 1"
"Why)" I interrupted. It was all I #ould say at that moment 1 my head
was in a whirl. "(hy would you want to do something that #ruel)"
"'w, poor little hurt baby !wummer." /o7anne's fau7-pitying look
hardened. "+ou made my boyfriend dump me."
"+ou were going to make me look like a whore if I hadn't said
anything," I said, trying to reason with her.
"+ou did make me look like a whore."
You are a whore, I thought but didn't say. Instead, I swallowed. "+ou
#heated on him."
"It was none of your fu#king business," /o7anne snarled.
(hi#h was, undeniably, true. I rubbed my arms, suddenly feeling #old.
"8ook," I said softly. "+ou're right. It wasn't. I'm sorry, okay) I'm really,
really sorry. !hat's all I #an say."
"'nd that isn't enough." /o7anne spun on her heel, her eyes trained
intently on my fa#e. "I'd wat#h my ba#k if I was you, Samantha.
4ayba#k's a bit#h, and yesterday was only the beginning."
My world seemed to swim around before my eyes as she stalked
away, her sleek mane of hair swinging elegantly from side to side.
I was dead. Hiding wasn't working out. I would hae to stand up, fa#e
the musi#, and ,ight back 1 e7#ept I had no idea how to.
",7#use me)" said a oi#e at my elbow. It was /ufus Cummings, a
dark-haired, abnormally tall &unior with fre#kles dotted oer his nose
who had reputedly lost his irginity to :arin (u.
I reali2ed that I'd #ompletely forgotten that it was the day the results of
the "hocolate !earts draw would be announ#ed. !he guys would be
asking the girls they had drawn to the fundraiser> the girls, of #ourse,
would hae to gie their #onsent. "ow that I thought about it, the halls
had been in #haos all day. $irls #ongregated to their lo#kers and
giggled e7#itedly about their dates, or #ried in disappointment in the
bathrooms. ' group of freshman boys were taking bets on whom
/o7anne Cartwright would be drawn by, and girls had started lingering
by the 9tudent Coun#il 8ounge and begging :arin (u to #hange the
results to pair them with "athan (ellington. ?a#h $ellar, too, was a
popular #hoi#e 1 een though the many girls feared him, there were a
few who were willing to oerlook eerything but how hot he was.
-f #ourse, I hadn't really remembered until I saw /ufus and reali2ed
that I, too, had to go to the fundraiser.
"Hi," I said, swallowing. "Can I help you)"
"+ou're 9ummer (ard." /ufus made it sound like a statement rather
than a ;uestion.
"+ou're my date," I said, in the same flat tone.
"+es," said /ufus. "'re you pregnant)"
I #hoked on the words I'd been about to utter. "o," I said, #oughing.
"'re you sure)" said /ufus an7iously. "0e#ause if I'm going to
introdu#e a girl to my mother, I hae to make sure that nothing
remains of her past liaisons."
-h, $od. I'd had to end up with the wa#kiest weirdo in the whole town,
hadn't I) "/ufus, I'm not 1 "
"(e #an swing by 4lanned 4arenthood right now, upper#lassmen are
allowed to leae #ampus," said /ufus. "I #an pay for an abortion if you
want."
I pla#ed my hands firmly on his shoulders. "/ufus. I am not pregnant."
/ufus smiled. "'ll right, then you #an fall in loe with me. My mother
says you should neer be with anyone who has a #hild already, so if
you are pregnant, then you'll hae to gie up your #hild to marry me.
6irst you'll hae to go to #ollege, of #ourse. .assar, maybe. -r 9mith.
0ut then we'll get married."
-ur e7#hange was getting in#reasingly surreal. I felt a laugh rising to
my throat and bit it ba#k. "-kay, /ufus. 4i#k me up at seen."
"9ayonara," said /ufus goofily, and then he was gone.
I turned away to go to my lo#ker, letting my shoulders shake with
laughter as I gae in to the hilarity of the situation. /ufus lied in a
different planet, sure, but he wasn't as intimidating as one of the
popular guys, and all things #onsidered, it was a relief that he was my
date. I mean, at least I wouldn't hae to go with "athan (ellington.
"Interesting."
I spun around again. ?a#h $ellar was leaning against the offi#e door,
arms #rossed oer his #hest as he sureyed me under half-#losed
eyelids, an amused smile #urling his lips. "/ufus Cummings," he said
slowly. "+ou're parti#ularly unlu#ky this week."
""ot as unlu#ky as your date," I retorted, meaning it.
?a#h raised an eyebrow. "My date is throwing herself off ,iffel !ower
in sheer &oy right now. I'd say she #onsiders herself pretty lu#ky."
"4oor deluded freak," I muttered.
"(hateer," said ?a#h. He smirked. "I hae to say, though, /ufus is
far more your type than athan is."
I nodded. I wasn't going to let this asshole get to her. 0ringing up
"athan wasn't really hitting my weak point 1 not yet, and if I #ould help
it, not eer. "He makes me laugh," I said #oolly. "(e're going to get
married and go ba#kpa#king in the 'lps. *on't worry, we'll #ome ba#k
when you and "athan &oin the gay fraternity at 'rrogant =a#khole
3niersity."
6or a split se#ond, ?a#h almost looked impressed. I felt kind of
impressed myself. I had no idea where the offensie wit was #oming
from 1 I was, after all, the meekest girl in "ew +ork City. -r was I)
!his whole deba#le had made me more #yni#al and angry than I used
to be, but maybe it wasn't #ompletely a bad thing. !hen ?a#h's half-
impressed, half-amused e7pression was repla#ed by a s#owl, and he
stepped #loser, his oi#e mena#ing as he said, "+ou're playing with
fire here, kid."
I stopped myself from flin#hing in the ni#k of time. "I'e got plenty of
water, .randpa."
?a#h raised his eyebrows. "I'm saying this for your own good. 9tay.
'way. 6rom. "athan." He #rossed his arms oer his #hest. "He isn't
your type, and you're not his. 'nd I will do anything to make sure you
remember that. 6or my own amusement, if for no other reason."
"!e kissed me," I said ;uietly, feeling my shoulders slump in spite of
myself. $od, I felt so tired/ (hy was I een bothering) (hy #ouldn't
eeryone see that I had 2ero interest in using "athan to rule
!hornton) (hy did eeryone hate me so mu#h in the first pla#e) 'nd
I got the impression that ?a#h wasn't so fond of "athan anymore 1
&udging from /o7anne and "athan's #onersation in the #lassroom,
be#ause of some girl named *enise. 9o why was he being so
prote#tie of "athan) (as it a #lannish blue-blood thing) "(hy are
you threatening me) I didn't een want this."
?a#h's eyebrows #lamped together. "I warned you." (e regarded
ea#h other silently for a long time, and then he shrugged and turned
away, taking a few steps towards the e7its. "-h, and kid," he added
oer his shoulder.
My knees felt weak. I was digging myselft a deep grae, I knew. I
managed to keep myself from showing ulnerability and said
belligerently, "+eah)"
"9tay away from my park ben#h."
He'd &ust had to hae had the last word.



4. I'm Moving On
I'd gone to the 9pring 6ormal at (H9 with Curtis my freshman year.
/a#hael, who'd gone with a seenteen-year-old punk ro#ker from the
Meatpa#king *istri#t, and I had spent the day of the dan#e getting
fa#ials and mani#ures done, and the week before the dan#e shopping
for dresses at intage stores. *ad and 'nn had been home when the
punk ro#ker and my boyfriend arried at our apartment> he'd offered
them Cokes and dis#ussed basketball with Curtis and ,ri# while ,ri#a
had wat#hed us get ready. 'fterwards, 'nn had taken a 2illion pi#tures
and teased Cutis. 't the dan#e, we'd spiked our pun#h with brandy
and goofed around on the dan#e floor before Curtis had all but #arried
me into our limo to make out to 6rank 9inatra. It had been one of the
best nights of my entire life, and I'd kept my midnight blue dress as a
memento.
's I slipped into it for "hocolate !earts in my room, I sighed,
remembering how I'd laughed and laughed as /a#hael had tried on
in#reasingly ta#ky dresses at 9trawberry that #ost a lot more than
either of us #ould hae afforded to pay. !his time, I hadn't gone
shopping be#ause I had no best friend to poke fun at dresses with> I
was going not with Curtis as a date but with a raing lunati# with weird
hair> when I got downstairs, the house would be silent and empty and
sad> and the fundraiser itself would be full of kids who hated me and
loed to torture me. (hy was I een bothering to go)
0e#ause not going would be #on#eding defeat to /o7anne. 'nd I
would rather hae killed "eil myself than do that.
My phone rang. Curtis was returning my #all. 'fter two days. "Hey," I
said, leaping to answer it anyway.
"Hey," he said. "(hat's up)"
What's up. 's if I was &ust some #asual a#;uaintan#e he was #alling to
say hi to. 's if I wasn't the girl who'd been sitting around wondering if
he'd been killed or if he was out with some other girl for the last forty-
eight hours. I felt a sudden spurt of anger. I #ouldn't een blame
myself for it. 6or on#e, the anger felt seriously, seriously &ustified.
"!here's this dan#e at our s#hool," I said, keeping my tone een. "I'll
a#tually be leaing for that in ten minutes."
Curtis didn't say anything for a while, and when he did, his oi#e
sounded for#edly #asual. "+eah) I thought you didn't like going to
dan#es alone."
I almost ba#ktra#ked 1 why make things een worse with him than
they already were) 1 but I for#ed myself to reply, "'#tually, I'm going
with this guy. My friend."
!here was a silen#e. "-h, that's great," Curtis said finally. "ow there
was no mistaking the anger in his oi#e. He #ould demand phone-se7
and go off to party with 8an#e /edford when I needed him, but I was
supposed to stew in my bedroom and wait for him to #all) I didn't feel
so good, all of a sudden. I loed Curtis. I wanted things to go ba#k to
the way they'd always been.
0ut%I was mad at him.
9till, what #ould I do) I was mad at him, but I didn't want to lose him.
"It's a #ompulsory thing. ' fundraiser." I #hewed on my inde7
fingernail. "I don't want to go. I'd really rather%" I took a deep breath.
"9tay here and talk to you."
!o my astonishment, Curtis responded in a nasty, sneering tone. "I'm
sure."
"I would." I #hoked down the rapidly rising anger for the third time.
"/eally."
"(hat about your ,riend)" Curtis said s#athingly. "!he guy you're
going to the dan#e with) He's some ri#h moie star kid, isn't he)"
"Curtis," I said. I #ouldn't beliee him. I'd &ust opened up and told him I
preferred talking to him to going out, and he was%mad) =ealous) He
had no right to be. "ot when he had barely talked to me all week. "(e
had a draw thing. !his guy pi#ked my name from a bun#h of paper
#hits. 9eriously."
"Is this dan#e in some fie-star pla#e, 9ummer) 're you going to go
get wasted and then go home with this guy)" Curtis sounded furious
now.
If I hadn't been feeling so angry myself, I would hae laughed. It was
&ust so ridiculous. He #ould go without returning my #alls for two days,
but I #ouldn't go to a fu#king #ompulsory fundraiser be#ause he'd
finally deigned to #all ba#k. (hat was his problem) "+ou're the one
who went off to #elebrate with 8an#e /edford &ust be#ause I wouldn't
hae phone se7 with you," I said.
'nd then immediately, instantaneously wished I hadn't.
"'re you #ra2y)" Curtis e7ploded. "(hat, I #an't hae any fun be#ause
you're haing problems ad&usting to that pla#e) I mean, $od. ' lot of
people would kill to go to that fan#y s#hool, you know) I bet they don't
think about #an#eling their athleti# programs be#ause they #an't afford
to hae a gym. I bet they don't 1"
"I'm sorry," I interrupted ;ui#kly. I hadn't known about the gym thing. I
felt some of my anger fade away. -kay, so he was worried about his
basketball s#holarship. He didn't need to yell at me about it 1 he #ould
&ust talk to me. Instead of saying that, howeer, I apologi2ed again.
"+ou're fu#king sorry," Curtis spat. "$reat. !hat helps a lot." He
breathed loudly. "9o. !his guy you're going to the dan#e with. 're you
#heating on me with him)"
I #ounted to ten. I told myself that Curtis was under stress. I told
myself that I had nobody e7#ept for him in the whole world. I told
myself that I was mature and responsible and looked before I leaped. I
told myself that I loed him. 0ut none of that #ould stop me from
responding, "'re you #heating on me) Is that why you're asking me,
Curtis) 0e#ause you hae a guilty #ons#ien#e)"
!here was a silen#e. 'nd then, in my ear, there was the dial tone.
I wondered drearily what that meant as I put my phone down and sank
into my bed. (as that an assent) (as Curtis #onfessing that he was
#heating on me) (as there &ust a network failure) -r was Curtis &ust
too angry to talk to me any longer)
Mentally, I s;uared my shoulders. 9o what if I'd had a fight with my
boyfriend) I had a bun#h of ri#h kids to piss off. 'nd a whole lot of
responsibilities I #ouldn't negle#t.
Mi#hael, my brother, was downstairs, in front of the !.. He ;uirked an
eyebrow when he saw me. "$oing out)"
I shrugged. "I'm not going on a date." I didn't want to talk to Mi#hael,
really, but it wasn't like I had a lot of options. "-ur s#hool had a lu#ky
draw kind of thing, where the guys draw the names of the girls and
take them out to a fundraiser."
"'nd the girls don't mind)" Mi#hael wanted to know.
I blinked. It was a good ;uestion, a#tually. It was okay for /o7anne,
who would probably sedu#e her own father if she ran out of males to
rub herself against, but for other girls, now that I thought about it, the
system seemed kind of%se7ist. I wondered how Mi#hael, being a guy,
had reali2ed that when I hadn't. "I guess it's tradition," I said
thoughtfully.
"9o was the #ustom of #hild marriage and widows &umping into funeral
pyres when their husbands died, in India," Mi#hael pointed out, his
tone as uninterested as if he was dis#ussing the effe#ts of ,ngland's
$lorious /eolution in history #lass. "ot bored, simply%uninterested.
,7pressionless. Classi# Mi#hael.
"I guess," I said, not really wanting to go into it. 0e#ause that was
#lassi# me. 'oiding arguments. !he doorbell #himed through the
house. I sighed. /ufus. "It's probably my date. I'll be ba#k as soon as
possible."
Mi#hael looked at me. "'nn's in the kit#hen."
My heart sank. "Crap."
!hen again, it was &ust /ufus. He would probably think 'nn was
strange be#ause she'd been kidnapped at 'rea CA and impregnated
by some alien from =upiter. 9o instead of rushing into the kit#hen and
hiding 'nn in the pantry, I had time to grab the Miu Miu-kno#koff bag
/a#hael had gien me for my fourteenth birthday and my bla#k flats 1
I didn't dare wear sneakers at a !hornton '#ademy formal eent 1
before going sedately to the door. I did manage to get there before
'nn did, but my stepmother got in a glan#e at the guy standing
outside before Mi#hael pulled her away.
(hi#h su#ked. 0e#ause it was not /ufus standing at the door, but
"athan (ellington.
I should hae guessed. I should hae known that /ufus drawing me
instead of "athan was &ust too good to be true. 0ut maybe he'd gotten
the wrong house, or he wanted to introdu#e me to his date, or%
something. 6ate wouldn't be #ruel enough to send him here as my
date. I stepped outside, slammed the door shut behind me, and fa#ed
him.
"Can I help you)" I said politely, in spite of the nerousness
threatening to send omit spiraling out of my mouth.
"athan looked fantasti#. His blond hair, whi#h was #ombed ba#k
neatly during s#hool, was left in its natural shaggy, way mess> the
glitter in his green eyes mat#hed the da22le of his smile> and his broad
shoulders looked dele#tably perfe#t in his bla#k tu7edo.
"athan was so hot. 'nd he knew it so well.
"+ou look great," he grinned, ignoring my ;uestion.
8iar. I hadn't made mu#h of an effort. I'd worn the dress and half-
heartedly applied a bit of kohl eyeliner and #lear M'C lipgloss, but
that was all. I hadn't een blow-dried my hair and I'd almost put it in a
seere ponytail before de#iding that it would be too mu#h work and
&ust running a brush through it. (hy try to attra#t attention) It wasn't
like I #ould turn into some babe &ust by doing something to my hair 1
makeup wouldn't #hange me from a 4lain =ane to an 'udrey Hepburn
or a /o7anne Cartwright. I dis#arded politeness and went ba#k to my
#ustomary rudeness with him. "I thought I told you to leae me alone."
"I thought I told you I wouldn't," "athan retorted smoothly. He smelled
as fantasti# as he looked. *amn him.
"'ren't you getting late for "hocolate !earts)" I said pointedly.
"athan #he#ked his wat#h. "I am, a#tually. 0ut rules are you #an't
show up without a date."
"My sister doesn't go to !hornton, so she #an't go with you."
"+ou hae a sister)" "athan looked interested. *amn. Ma&or slip.
"0y whi#h I mean, your date doesn't lie here," I said ;ui#kly.
"+es, she does." "athan's grin grew. It was a boyish, mis#hieous
grin, almost a smirk. I hated how well it worked on him. "9ee, there's
&ust a little problem with my date. 9he seems to be missing." He
tou#hed the wall near my arm. "(ord is that she went to the /egen#y
a bit early with a &unior #alled /ufus Cummings."
6u#k. "o way. "o fu#king way was this happening to me.
"9o." "athan held out his arm. "*o you want me to #ome inside and
wait while you say your goodbyes or do you want to walk me to the
#ar)"
I #losed my eyes and leaned against the #losed door for support.
""either."
"(ell, I #ould #arry you to the #ar, I guess, or I #ould walk you to 1 "
"(hat the hell are you doing)" I #ut him off. "(hat do you want from
me)"
"I think it's obious. I want you to stop hating me."
"'nd you think paying my date to go with someone else will make me
like you)" I asked in#redulously.
"I didn't pay him," "athan said, shrugging. "I &ust lu#ked out. I pi#ked
:arin (u, and /ufus likes her almost as mu#h as he likes his mother.
'nd :arin owes me."
I gae him a #old stare. "!hat still makes you a manipulatie lying
s#umbag."
"athan shook his head. "+ou know what I like about you)"
"+ou know how mu#h I don't #are)"
He didn't look perturbed. "!hat's why I like you. 0e#ause you don't
#are. 0e#ause you don't let the e7terior influen#e your opinion about
what's inside. !hat's kind of refreshing, and more than kind of rare."
I #rossed my arms oer my #hest, trying not to let my sho#k show.
"Manipulatie, lying s#umbag," I muttered again. I looked at him
defiantly. "(rong, "athan. +ou 'like' me be#ause I don't swallow your
bullshit, and you want to proe to other people that you #an get me
to."
"athan grinned. "In other words, you think I'm manipulating you, too."
"!rying to," I #ountered.
"*on't be so sure," "athan said, his grin teasing. "Maybe I want you to
hate me right now be#ause hate is a form of se7ual attra#tion when a
hot guy is inoled."
I gaped at him. "What)"
"athan burst out laughing. "+ou should see your fa#e right now,
9ummer. +our &aw looks like it's going to fall off your fa#e." He tou#hed
a strand of my hair #asually. "/o7anne read that to me on#e when we
were holed up in a #abin in 'spen be#ause of a snowstorm. I was
bored enough to let her."
He was so casual about sharing details of his life, so easy about
making #onersation. It was so unlike me. I was #onstantly guarding
the words I let out of my mouth, so #areful about not dis#losing
anything that would gie away my personality or memories or the
things that had happened in my life. *idn't he hae se#rets he was
afraid of giing away like I did) I enied how it didn't seem to matter to
him.
"*idn't you and /o7anne hae better things to do)" I en;uired a#idly,
to hide my thoughts.
""ah. (e were &ust eleen." I enied his honesty, too, the fa#t that he
didn't modestly try to hide that he knew what things I was talking
about. "0esides, our friend !ammy was there. It was her #hi#k lit,
a#tually. 9he was thirteen, so she was giing us se7 edu#ation."
"I'm not going to the fundraiser with you," I #larified, thinking it was
high time I got the #onersation ba#k to more impersonal grounds.
"I don't think you hae a 1" "athan was #ut off by a resounding #rash
from inside the house. I stiffened, feeling goosebumps erupt all oer
my bare shoulders. !his #ouldn't be happening to me. 9hit, shit, and
shit. It was.
"6u#k!" Hadley #ried inside. It was an elo;uent and su##in#t
e7pression of my own feelings. I #al#ulated the odds of "athan not
finding out who the girl in /o7anne's ideo was and made a ;ui#k
de#ision.
"8et's go," I said briefly to "athan.
He was s;uinting down at my door, his gorgeous green eyes
narrowed. "9houldn't you 1 "
"0et's go," I repeated, #len#hing my teeth.
"athan looked at me. ,idently, the guy had some insight and some
regard for other people's feelings after all, be#ause instead of arguing,
he let me take his arm and hurry him down the path to his #ar. 's he
started the engine and we moed down /o#hester 8ane, I let out the
breath I'd been holding. +es, I was going to the fundraiser with "athan
(ellington, but at least%at least I'd managed to stop him from
meeting Hadley :eller.
I glan#ed at his sharp, handsome profile and sighed. It seemed as if
he #ould een manipulate 6ate. 'nd the $ods.
"9o," "athan said, breaking the un#omfortable silen#e, "Can I ask you
why you were suddenly in a hurry to do what you'd eidently rather
skin yourself than do)"
""o, you #an't," I snapped.
"athan fli#ked me a ;ui#k glan#e. "(ell, at least I'm getting what I
want."
I #rossed my arms oer my #hest. 't least I #ould make getting what
he wanted as unpleasant as possible. "0e #areful what you wish for," I
said ;uietly, then lapsed into silen#e.
"athan didn't seem to mind. He &abbed a finger at the #ar's sound
system and the sound of iolins in a smooth, haunting song filled the
air. !he lyri#s seemed to leap out at me. "#'m moving on, %t last # can
see1li,e has been patiently waiting ,or me1and # know there's no
guarantees, but #'m not alone1" It was a beautiful song, and it made
me shier slightly.
"&here comes a time in everyone's li,e1when all you can see are the
years passing by1%nd # have made up my mind1that those days are
gone1*
I stared at the sound system, spooked. !he song seemed to be
dire#ted at me.
"/as#al 6latts," "athan said, his eyes trained on the road. "I'm Moing
-n."
I nodded slightly by way of a#knowledging his e7planation.
"I went on a #ollege tour last spring. It was shit-s#ary. I mean, there
were all these guys there, they all totally belonged, you know) It was
their home. I stood out, and all I #ould think about was how this is my
home, this is what I know, and the whole idea of leaing made me
want to run away and get a &ob as someone's nanny here so I #ould
stay. 0ut then I heard this song, and I #ouldn't get enough of it. It
made me feel a lot better."
!here it was again, that easy ability to let people in. 'nd s#arier than
that was the fa#t that I #ould a#tually relate to what he was saying.
"It's a beautiful song," I murmured, be#ause # know what you mean
seemed too personal.
"I thought you'd agree. +ou'e left home, too, right) Chris told me you
lied in Manhattan."
I nodded. I was un#omfortable that he knew that, but I felt I was being
ridi#ulous 1 &ust be#ause he knew I lied in Manhattan didn't mean he
would suddenly find out eerything else about me.
"How #ome you told him and not me)" "athan said, only half-&oking.
"Maybe be#ause he doesn't want me to fall for him," I said briefly.
"!ou#h@." "athan grinned roguishly. "9o. +ou're a #ity girl."
I looked at him, hesitating. 'fter he'd told me about the #ollege tour
thing, wasn't it fair to let him know a teensy, weensy, little thing about
me) "I'e moed, but I don't know if I'e moed on," I blurted, then
ki#ked myself mentally. (hy #ouldn't I &ust hae said something
in#onse;uential, like, "I loe Central 4ark in the summer)"
"Meaning)" "athan ;uestioned.
His interest frightened me. If he'd looked bored, maybe I'd hae said
more, but him being ready to listen made me re#ede ba#k into my
shell. He#k, I hadn't wanted to talk to him in the first pla#e. "It's
a#tually none of your business," I said, keeping my tone polite.
"Come on," "athan pressed. "I'm not e7a#tly going to spread your
priate thoughts around 8inbury. 'nd if I do, you #an always retaliate.
Imagine if 9ophia !horpe found out that I'm s#ared of #ollege. 9he
would tell the administrators of !hornton and I'd be roped in for
#ounseling forty-eight hours a day."
I looked down at my bitten nails. "I &ust miss the #ity," I began
#autiously. "I don't like it here." $od, it felt good to finally admit to
someone that I wasn't feeling in#redibly lu#ky to be liing in a wealthy
neighborhood and going to one of the best s#hools in 'meri#a.
"!hat's understandable. 4eople here haen't e7a#tly been ni#e to
you."
I met his ga2e. "In#luding you."
"Hey. I'e tried."
"-nly to further your own interests."
"!rue," "athan admitted. "9o. +ou're not moing on be#ause
#ir#umstan#es are preenting it."
":ind of," I said. It was well put.
"(as life in Manhattan really all that good)" "athan asked.
I nodded without hesitation. "It's my home, it's what I know, and it's
where I belong."
"athan hit the brakes, and I reali2ed that we'd arried at the /egen#y.
It was a large pink sandstone building with a pretty well-mani#ured
garden and a pond ne7t to the grael drieway lit by Chinese lanterns.
6airy lights were draped oer the bushes, and a spotless white board
oer the entran#e pro#laimed '!he /egen#y' in elaborate #alligraphy.
!he whole effe#t was ;uaintly impressie.
Inside, howeer, the slightly *isney-ish air faded. Hordes of high
s#hool students stood at the #ir#ular, dark wood dan#e floor, moing to
0eyon#e's more upbeat tunes. !he bar to the side was pa#ked, and
the tables all had #andles and red roses in what were probably
pri#eless ases. 'lmost eery single waiter was effortlessly gorgeous
and effi#ient. !o me, the room reeked of money.
""athan!" /o7anne, who looked gorgeous in simple red, flung herself
on my 'date, not bothering to a#knowledge me at all. "9weetie, you
are so fu#king late! (here hae you been)"
,e, beautiful in a strapless pearl-gray gown, followed her. 9he #oolly
air-kissed "athan and stood ba#k, her shoulder against a blond,
athleti#-looking s#hool 4refe#t, who shared a fist bump with "athan.
0oth of them ignored me. I felt awkward and angry with myself> what
on earth had possessed me to trade #onfiden#es with "athan
(ellington, of all people)
"9ummer, hi!" Chris wore a huge grin that made him look less
threatening than the girls. "(ho did you #ome with) ?a#h said it was
that /ufus dude 1 "
"I think you really bored him," /o7anne said smugly, pointing at /ufus
Cummings, who was following :arin (u around the dan#e floor like
her personal !inkerbell.
"'#tually," said "athan. He tou#hed my shoulder, and for on#e, it
made me feel grateful rather than pissed off. "9he #ame with me."
/o7anne turned a stunned e7pression on me, then abruptly kno#ked
down the #ranberry martini she #len#hed in her right hand and
grabbed the blond guy's arm. "8et's go make people &ealous, honey."
"!here goes your date, ,e," Chris laughed, shaking his brown hair off
his sweet, inno#ent-looking fa#e. /o7anne thrust the blond guy into
the dan#e floor and began shimmying sedu#tiely against him.
"9he #an hae him," ,e pro#laimed in her polished, well-bred a##ent.
9he looked around. "(here's ?a#h)"
"He's being a spoilsport and de#iding to pay the stupid two hundred-
dollar-fine for himself and his date, rather than #ome here." Chris
rolled his eyes. "I think he went to the library. He used to be a hell of a
lot more fun before he left 1 "
,e looked pointedly at me, and Chris #lamped his mouth shut. I
suddenly felt tired 1 the library sounded a lot more initing than this
pla#e> I'd always loed to read, and I'd neer parti#ularly en&oyed
being around beautiful people my age. Maybe I should &ust leae.
9taying for hours wasn't mandatory, after all < I'd &ust needed to put in
an appearan#e, and I'd done that.
"Hey," "athan said, turning to me and breaking the terse,
un#omfortable silen#e. "+ou want to dan#e)"
"o, I didn't want to dan#e with him. I opened my mouth to say so, but
then I #aught the narrow-eyed look /o7anne was giing us from the
dan#e floor, #hallenging me to agree. I smiled ba#k politely. "9ure," I
said to "athan, a##epting the #hallenge.
"athan looked surprised, then hid it with one of his ;ui#k grins. "I kind
of thought you'd tell me you'd rather sti#k pins in your ass."
"(hy would I do that)" I fli#ked another glan#e at /o7anne. !he
'raen-haired siren', as Mi#hael would probably refer to her, looked
stony-fa#ed, but her eyes fli#kered i#ily.
"(ell, then." "athan held out his arm with e7aggerated grandiosity.
"8et's burn up the dan#e floor."
I had e7pe#ted to dan#e to '9tars 're 0lind', the 4aris Hilton song I
hated. !hat was #ool. I would hae &iggled around and stayed far
away from "athan at all times, taking adantage of the sta##ato beat
and the fa#t that it was more upbeat than soft and slow. 's we
stepped on the dan#e floor, howeer, the song segued into 'I'll 0e' by
,dwin M#Cain, arguably the most romanti# wedding song of the
de#ade. "athan wrapped his arms tightly around me and I inhaled the
s#ent of his #ologne inoluntarily, my #heek pressed against his
mus#ular shoulder. It felt good. !oo good. 9hit.
"9o tell me something," "athan murmured into my hair.
I tried to pull away so that his se7y, husky oi#e wouldn't affe#t my
senses ;uite so mu#h, but though his grip was almost unbearably
#omfortable, it was sure and tight. *amn him to hell, he was hot.
"(hat)" I demanded, trying to sound rude and not drugged.
"*id you &ust agree to dan#e with me to piss /o7y off)"
It was tempting to #lose my eyes and drift into blissful 6antasyland. I
resisted the urge. "*uh," I said rudely, raising my #hin so that I was
fa#ing him.
He grinned. "0ut this isn't ;uite so bad after all, is it)"
=esus, no. It was alarmingly good, in fa#t. !he air that surged between
us was fraught with intimate possibilities, and the effe#t of the
undeniable physi#al attra#tion I felt towards him made me feel
lightheaded. It was all right in his #ar, with the distan#e between us> it
was all right in s#hool, when he seemed like a brainless &o#k> it was all
right when he was kissing me, be#ause only his lips were tou#hing
me> but now, in his arms, with his whole body wrapped around mine,
the possibilities felt%magi#al.
"+es, it is," I struggled to say, stubbornly.
"athan tapped my forehead with his knu#kles. !he gesture made me
#at#h my breath 1 he was #rowding me, inading my personal spa#e,
wasn't he) "+ou're so pigheaded."
(ith a strong effort, I managed to tear myself away a little. His hand
remained on my waist and mine on his shoulder, but with his fa#e and
#hest a slight distan#e away, my head felt #learer. I gulped in some air
and looked at him defiantly. "8ook who's talking."
"(ould you look at that," "athan said, grinning again. "+ou and I hae
something in #ommon."
"You're pigheaded, "athan. I'm simply%honest."
":eep telling yourself that," "athan said amiably.
I snat#hed my hands away from his shoulders. 4hysi#al attra#tion was
all ery well, but this was leading into dangerous territories. "I don't
think I want to dan#e anymore."
His hands slumped to their sides and abruptly, relieingly, the uneasy
ele#tri#ity in the air lifted and eased up. I took a deep breath,
remembering on#e again that he was &ust a handsome womani2er
trying to get into my pants. He was hot, but that was it> the dan#e had
been yet another stupid idea on my part.
"'w, look what we hae here!" /o7anne Cartwright's mo#king oi#e
drowned out the fading refrains of ,dwin M#Cain's song.
I looked at her, ha#kles rising as I re#ogni2ed the slurry way she
spoke. Hadley spoke like that. (hen she was ery, very drunk.
"Hey, /o7y," "athan said. His oi#e was light, but his eyes were
darting around the room, presumably sear#hing for something. 'll
oer the dan#e floor, girls nudged their partners and stopped moing
to stare at the #ommotion. 0efore I #ould een blink, ,e and Chris
sidled up and flanked /o7anne, Chris looking an7ious and ,e
indifferent.
/o7anne looked at me, her #atty dark eyes baleful. "(hat do you think
you're doing)"
I looked ba#k at her #almly. I knew what she was #apable of, but I'd
gien up on the idea of making friends at !hornton> what, then, did it
matter if /o7anne humiliated me publi#ly a few more times) "I'm &ust
dan#ing. (hi#h you would understand if you weren't so wasted."
/o7anne looked as if she'd been slapped. "What did you &ust say to
me)"
I instantly regretted my words. I hadn't intended to say more than, "I'm
&ust dan#ing."
"+ou little bitch!" /o7anne shrieked. "(ho do you think you are)"
"athan interened. "Hey." He said putting his arm around /o7anne's.
"/o7y. It's okay. 9he's trashed," he added in a low undertone to Chris.
""athan, what are you doing)" /o7anne demanded, #onfusion
#louding her fa#e. "(hy are you hanging out with her) +ou know what
she did to me and *erek! I know what you want to do, but you don't
hae to dance with her when I'm around!"
=ee2. 9he was babbling. 9omehow, drunk and babbling, she didn't
seem ery formidable.
!hen she looked at me, and I blinked, surprised. Her e7pression was
#oherent. 6urious, but #oherent. 9he didn't hae Hadley's glassy-eyed
lost look at all. 0ut for some reason, she was%pretending to be drunk.
How was it supposed to help her) !hen she looked away and I felt
doubtful 1 had I really seen the #oheren#y or was I hallu#inating)
"athan took her hand. "/o7y, baby, #alm down, okay)"
/o7anne wren#hed her hand out of his and flung her arms around him
instead, snuggling her glossy bla#k head into his ne#k. "+ou loe me,
don't you, "ate) More than 1 her)" she whimpered into his shoulder.
"athan let out a sigh and stroked her hair gently. "-f #ourse I do," he
murmured soothingly. 9he rela7ed a little, and he #aught my eye, his
e7pression frustrated. "+ou're my best friend. I would die without you.
+ou know that."
Chris moed forward. "I'll take her home."
"athan opened his arms, and /o7anne fell into Chris's instead, her
eyes #losed, breathing heaily, Chris staggering slightly under her
weight. !hornton's se7 bomb had gone under 1 or was pretending to
hae, anyway, for whateer plan she had up her sleee. 0e#ause I
was sure she had one, in spite of her ery #onin#ing imitation of a
wasted passed-out teenager. 9ome guys rushed forward, eager to
help /o7anne. (ithin minutes the dan#e floor had #leared out, leaing
me and "athan to stare at ea#h other.
"+ou okay)" "athan asked.
Instead of sniping at him, I nodded #autiously. "I think I'll go home
now."
"-kay," said "athan. "8et's go."
I frowned. "+ou don't hae to drie me home. +ou should go #he#k on
/o7anne."
"athan shook his head. "0ad e7#use."
"Meaning)"
"Meaning%" "athan took my arm, his grin ba#k on his fa#e. "+ou #an't
get rid of me so easily."
I rolled my eyes and pulled my arm ba#k to my side. "I'm serious. 9he
#ould be in trouble."
""o, she won't be. 9he's done this a 2illion times before. 9he waits till
I deposit her on her bed and then starts trying to sedu#e me. I don't
think I'm up for a lap dan#e right now."
(ell, that e7plained why she'd been a#ting drunk. "!hat's a nasty
thing to say about your best friend, "athan," I deadpanned inno#ently,
starting to walk out of the /egen#y.
"I loe her to death, 9ummer." !he same words Chris had used. (hat
e7a#tly did /o7anne do to make people loe her in spite of her%
foibles, to put it gently) 9he was a nasty, #allous, spoilt, pitiless,
mali#ious bitch. 'nd yet, somehow, she was the most powerful girl in
s#hool. (as it the boobs) !he legs) !he money) !he so#ial status) I
&ust didn't know. "0ut een I #an't help noti#ing how oer-the-top she
is."
"+ou're pretty oer-the-top yourself."
"Maybe," "athan #on#eded. "0ut it's different."
"0e#ause you're a guy." I la#ed my tone with disgust.
"-r maybe be#ause I know when to stop. 'nd be#ause I'm honest
about what I want."
"I beg to differ," I said pointedly. "+ou know what I don't get) 9he
knows you're &ust trying to sedu#e me be#ause of your reputation. 9o
why 1"
"Maybe that's #hanged," "athan interrupted.
I looked at him, unable to pretend to mistake his meaningful
e7pression. "0ullshit," I pro#laimed.
"Come on. 9eriously. Maybe I a#tually want to get to know you now
that I'e found that you loe my song as mu#h as I do."
"-r maybe you're still playing with me."
"If you beliee that," "athan #hallenged, "why aren't you running away
like you always do) (hy are you still walking with me, talking to me,
instead of sneaking out the moment the #oast was #lear)"
"0e#ause I forgot my wallet to pay for a #ab," I said glibly. It was the
truth, anyway. "'nd I don't want to walk. 0ut if you flirt with me again, I
will."
"athan stopped and looked at me, his fa#e truly perple7ed. "(ho are
you, 9ummer)"
I furrowed my brows. "(hat's that supposed to mean)"
"I mean, what's the big mystery about you) (hat are you hiding)"
I sighed. ""othing. I'm &ust a girl, okay)"
"+eah, right. If you were &ust a girl, we wouldn't be walking right now.
2r talking."
"-kay, so maybe I want my pria#y. +ou #ould try respe#ting that."
(e were in his #ar by then. "athan turned his key and the engine
roared to life. "I #an't help being #urious."
"+ou #an help a#ting on your #uriosity before I de#ide to walk instead."
It was good to hae the power sometimes. I'd neer had my way with
Curtis.
"athan sighed. "6ine. 0ut &ust so you know, it's a huge sa#rifi#e."
"I'm sure," I muttered.
(e droe the rest of the way in silen#e. 't my door, "athan stopped
the #ar and I turned to look at him. "+ou know, you're not always who
you seem to be either. -r maybe you seem to be who you're really not
sometimes."
"athan ar#hed an eyebrow. I felt my #heeks grow hot from
embarrassment and hurried to say, "!he only differen#e between you
and me here is, I don't really #are who you are."
"athan said, his eyebrow still ar#hed, "(ell, at least you're wasting
some thought on me."
I gae him a businesslike smile. "!hank you for stopping /o7anne
from tearing me to pie#es."
"Hey," "athan said easily. "(hat else are friends for)"
"(e're not friends, "athan."
"(e're not, huh)"
""o. I mean, I had a ni#e time. 9urprisingly. 0ut that doesn't mean I'm
going to trust you now."
"athan shrugged, another grin spreading a#ross his fa#e. !he guy
was a eritable reseroir of grins. "!hat doesn't mean I #an stop trying
to make you." 0efore I #ould rea#t, he leaned oer and kissed my
#heek softly. "9ee you on Monday, future friend."
I wat#hed him take off into the night and tou#hed my flushed #heek. In
one night, I'd fought with the boyfriend I loed more than anything else
on the planet, dis#oered &ust how smart my brother was, seen the
s#hool ;ueen drunk, and slammed the door shut in my stepmother's
fa#e%
'nd all I #ould think of was a random kiss from a guy I thought I'd had
figured out when I really hadn't.
(hy did "athan (ellington hae to be so con,using)
4,. !he one a#ademi#s-related thing at !hornton I found
mindnumblingly uninteresting and diffi#ult.
":i#k the ball, (ard!" Coa#h M#:ay, the burly, beefy so##er instru#tor,
yelled at me the Monday morning after "hocolate !earts.
I stood there on the grass, staring apprehensiely at the bla#k-and-
white so##er ball in front of me. I dreaded 4, 1 I didn't know what had
possessed me to pi#k so##er as my mandatory team sport, e7#ept for
the fa#t that it sounded better than la#rosse, whi#h I hadn't een heard
of at (H9, and running for the tra#k team, whi#h I was sure to be
een worse at.
"3ick, $oddammit!" Coa#h M#:ay bellowed.
I shot my foot out in a wild ar# and missed the ball by a good si7
in#hes. 't the other athleti#, well-groomed girls in my #lass sniggered,
I sprinted 1 or walked, a#tually 1 ba#k to the edge of the field, trying to
maintain an impassie e7pression. -n the bright side, my turn at
humiliation on the so##er field was oer for the day.
"Hey," Chris, who was lu#kily the only member of the Champagne
$ang in my 4, #lass, said, with a sympatheti# look. "*id you get
home all right 9aturday night)"
"3h-huh," I said. "*id /o7anne)"
"9he got home," Chris said. ' bit grimly, I thought.
"6it2gerald!" Coa#h M#:ay hollered. "9how me a good drop-ki#k!"
Chris, who was on the so##er team, flashed me a smile and ran easily
and #onfidently oer to the ball. I wat#hed him eniously for a moment
before heading inside to shower, #areful to look out for any booby
traps /o7anne might hae for#ed her minions to plant for me around
the building. 'fter her attempt to get "athan away from me on
9aturday night had failed, I e7pe#ted her to hae something
disastrous planned.
0ut the day went by without in#ident, probably be#ause I ate lun#h in
the bathroom and slunk out through the ba#k door after the dismissal
bell rang so as to aoid running into "athan or /o7anne, both of
whom I wasn't ready to fa#e yet. "athan did try to talk to me in
homeroom, but fortunately for me, the bell rang &ust as he leaned oer
from his seat and I made my es#ape.
'fter work, I walked home through the park again, and I #ame a#ross
Chris by the swings.
He was ki#king a ball around, brows furrowed in #on#entration. I didn't
want to talk to him, but I stopped to wat#h be#ause I wanted to gather
a few pointers for my ne7t 4, #lass. I didn't like the way I kept
humiliating myself in front of all the a#uous /o7anne-wannabes in it.
Chris saw me and stopped, giing me a wel#oming smile. "9ummer,
hey! (hat are you doing here)"
"(alking," I said shortly, wishing he hadn't stopped.
"(ant to play)" he offered, ki#king the ball to me.
I stared at it as it rolled to a half before my left leg. !hen I stared at
Chris. ""ot parti#ularly."
His fa#e fell almost imper#eptibly. 6eeling bad, I hastened to say, "I'm
&ust not ery good at so##er."
Chris shrugged. "!hat's okay. I'm not ery good at art, but I like
drawing anyway." He gae me an en#ouraging smile. "Come on, ki#k
it oer." (hen I hesitated, he added, "I promise I won't laugh if you
miss. It's fun!"
I ki#ked. -n#e again, my foot was wide off the mark. I looked at Chris,
#heeks burning.
"!hat was pretty powerful, you know." Chris &ogged #loser, positioning
himself in front of the ball. His #heeks were flushed, his #urly brown
hair tousled, his eyes shining. I felt a wae of affe#tion towards him. It
wasn't the kind of stoma#h-#hurning attra#tion I felt for "athan, but it
was the kind of feeling that made me think that, in an alternate
unierse, Chris and I #ould hae been friends. "-kay, all you'e got to
do is fo#us on one round spot of the ball. Can you do that)"
I #omplied, fi7ing my eyes on one bla#k spot.
"$ood!" Chris #alled en#ouragingly. ""ow #leanse your mind of your
thoughts. *on't think about missing or anything. =ust #on#entrate on
your foot and that spot, don't be afraid of ki#king, and 1 go!"
I ki#ked. !his time, my foot #onne#ted with the ball, sending it rolling
gently oer to the swings. Chris burst into applause and, startled out
of my #arefully-maintained resere, I shot him a no-holds-barred smile
before I #ould stop myself.
"+ou did it!" Chris #heered, holding up his hand for a high-fie. 'fter a
moment's hesitation, I slapped his palm. Chris smiled. "+ou're going to
wow M#:ay in #lass tomorrow. 0e prepared."
"!hanks," I said, feeling genuinely grateful to him. "I should probably,
um, go now."
Chris nodded, still smiling his friendly smile. "9ee you tomorrow."
's I went on my way, I reali2ed what the new, strange feeling in my
stoma#h was. /elief. I was relieed, and not &ust be#ause I had
learned to ki#k a ball. I was relieed that for &ust a moment, I'd been
able to let down the guard I had kept poker-stiff throughout my time at
8inbury and &ust been a normal fifteen-year-old for a #hange.
I'd liked the feeling.
Mi#hael was in the liing room when I got home, as it was his day off.
"Hey," I said #autiously, depositing my bag on the #ou#h between us,
unsure if I was disturbing him. He raised a hand in stoi#, silent
greeting &ust as Hadley burst into the room, striding towards the door.
'nn trailed behind her miserably.
"Honey, please at least tell me where you're going," 'nn pleaded, in a
weak attempt at dis#ipline. 9he was obiously in one of her more lu#id
moods.
"-ut," said Hadley furiously. 9he was in one of her more lu#id moods,
too 1 but lu#idity for her also meant an e7tra proportion of anger and
unhappiness.
"Hadley, I'm your mother 1 "
"$et a life!" Hadley shouted, slamming the door shut silent behind her.
'nn #rawled slowly upstairs again. Mi#hael and I looked at ea#h other.
"4oor 'nn," said Mi#hael ;uietly.
I sighed. It felt weird to be sitting with $ichael, but what other options
did I hae) "+eah," I agreed. "4oor Hadley, too."
Mi#hael looked at me e7pressionlessly. "9he's being diffi#ult. 9he
doesn't desere pity."
I bit my lip. My brother had more defined ideas of right and wrong than
I did. !o Mi#hael, eerything was absolutely #lear-#ut. "I guess," I said
relu#tantly.
Mi#hael got to his feet. "+ou're good with 'nn. It's mature of you."
I looked at him. "!hanks," I said, surprised. !hen, stru#k by a desire to
be #ompletely honest, I said softly, "9ometimes%I think it's be#ause%
it didn't affe#t me as mu#h as it affe#ted the others. I mean," I added
;ui#kly, "I was #ra2y about him, Mi#hael, you know that, we all were,
how #ould we not be, 1 but I 1 I don't ,eel torn apart. I'm not falling to
pie#es. I still feel like me. It's eerything that's happened afterwards
that I really, really hate."
Mi#hael nodded. "Me, too."
It felt strange to be the one talking> normally I was the listener, the girl
people turned to for getting an agreement with their opinions. "-r
maybe it's &ust be#ause I didn't see it happening 1 "
Mi#hael's e7pression didn't #hange, but something fli#kered in his
eyes. "It's oer and done."
I felt alone again. 6or a moment, I'd thought Mi#hael would be the one
I #ould talk to about eerything that had happened. My imagination
had turned him into the wise older brother who magi#ally soled my
problems. 0ut he wasn't 1 he was &ust a ;uiet guy who was &ust as
#lueless as I was, and he didn't parti#ularly want me to #onfide in him.
'nd yet he'd told me I was mature> there wasn't anyone in the world
who was #loser to me at the moment than Mi#hael was, be#ause he
was the only person around whom I didn't hae to e7ert wat#hfulness
and mistrust.
"If you want to talk about it, try *ad," said Mi#hael suddenly.
I looked at him and nodded. I was tired of my *ad's silen#e, tired of
not being able to e7press my opinions to an adult who should hae
been responsible for the things I was 1 I was &ust tired.
'##ordingly, when my father entered at midnight, I was waiting for him
in the liing room, wat#hing a do#umentary on ga2elles and drinking
$atorade.
"9um)" *ad's oi#e was hoarse and foggy and e7hausted. "(hat on
earth are you doing up)"
"I'm up at this time eery night." I put down my $atorade and made
pla#e for him on the #ou#h. "I &ust, you know. 9tay in my room and do
homework."
"I see," said *ad. He shrugged off his #oat and leaned ba#k against
the #ou#h, rubbing his temples tiredly. "(ell, is something wrong
tonight, darling)"
I shook my head. "I &ust wanted to talk to you."
6rank gae me a strained smile. "I'm sorry, 9ummer, but I'm too tired
to talk mu#h."
I bit my lip, disappointed. I #ouldn't &ust ask him why he preferred
a#ting distant and strange to sitting with his daughter. He #ould get
angry and refuse to talk to me. I de#ided to start out on a light note.
"3m. !hornton is a 1 it's pretty different from what I'm used to."
"0ut you like it," said *ad, giing me a sharp look that left no s#ope for
disagreement. His tone was more #ommanding than ;uestioning.
"-h, yeah," I said hastily. "It's ni#e, *ad."
*ad nodded. "I'm paying a lot more for it than I'e eer paid for
(odehouse, een though you're on s#holarship." He smiled at me.
"*o you know why) 0e#ause I hae faith in you, sweetheart. I know
you'll do well if I inest een a little in your future. +ou'e always been
so responsible. I'm glad to see that hasn't #hanged with this moe. I
know you'll work hard."
I #hewed my bottom lip, unable to de#ide whether to feel proud of the
#ompliment or angry that he wasn't pi#king up on what was between
the lines. (asn't that what parents were good at) "I'll try, *ad."
He nodded again, then got to his feet. "(ell. $oodnight, 9um. +ou
should get your homework done and go to bed."
I wat#hed him walk to the stairs, massaging a #ri#k in his ne#k. "*ad,"
I #alled.
He turned and raised his eyebrows ;uestioningly, looking so tired that
I almost ba#ked down. 'lmost. "Could I please talk to you for a while)"
I asked.
*ad sighed. "9weetheart, it's really late. Can't it wait)"
"9ure," I said automati#ally, be#ause that was what I did. !hen I shook
my head. It wouldn't kill me to be assertie, &ust this on#e. "'#tually,
no."
I'd feared his rea#tion, but he simply s;uee2ed his eyes shut and
sighed. "'ll right. Come up to my room and talk to me while I get
something to eat."
'ma2ed at how easy it had been 1 he hadn't lost his temper or his
patien#e 1 I followed him. I knew he and 'nn slept in different
bedrooms now, but I #ouldn't resist asking inno#ently, "(on't I wake
'nn up, though)"
6rank looked at me, his eyes #rinkling as he frowned. "(e don't sleep
in the same room anymore, 9ummer."
"(hy not)" I asked, tentatiely. I was #onne#ting, wasn't I) I was
asking ;uestions, trying to sear#h my father's soul. 'nd now that I
was, I reali2ed that, deep down, I really, really did want answers.
*ad stopped on the stairs and #rossed his arms oer his #hest. "(hy
are you interrogating me, 9ummer) +ou know perfe#tly well what our
sleeping situations hae been for a long time."
I bit my tongue, feeling my #heeks flush. *isappointment su#ked.
"9orry," I murmured. *ad turned to #ontinue on his way upstairs, and
on#e again, I gathered up my #ourage for another go. "'#tually, *ad)
I know what they are. I &ust don't know why."
My father's e7pression was frightening, but I rushed on. "Is it be#ause
of 1 you know 1 "eil) 0e#ause I don't know 1 "
"9ummer," said *ad. His oi#e was soft, but it had a forbidding ;uality
that stopped me in my tra#ks. "I'm tired. I'm going to bed. I would
appre#iate it if you followed suit."
I sighed and wat#hed him walk up the stairs.
I remembered the day he'd told me they were moing to 8inbury. I'd
been sitting in my room when *ad had stu#k his head through the
door and asked, "Can I talk to you)"
I had agreed automati#ally, and he had walked in, taking a seat on my
#luttered bed. "Is eerything all right)" I'd ;uestioned, noti#ing that he
looked gaunt and e7hausted, his #hin unshaed, the hair around his
ears graying prematurely.
"I think they're getting better," he'd informed me, with a smile that
resembled a grima#e. 'nd then he'd told me. 'bruptly, without waiting
for me to ask why, he'd told me, "!he hospital offered me a transfer."
He'd been a do#tor at 0lake Hospital, working fourteen hours a day
with the hospital #onstantly paging him the remaining ten. "!o
8inbury."
!he rational part of my brain had told me that the proper thing to do
would be to break into an e7uberant song-and-dan#e, #ongratulate my
father, and immediately demand a 4owerbook #omputer. It had been
too bad that my body had refused to obey the rational part of my
brain. "(hat)" I'd said instead, idioti#ally, hoping that I'd understood
wrong, that he'd refused, that he'd &ust #alled me there to tell me to
bear tightening our belts een further%
"(e're moing to 8inbury." *ad had looked deeply unhappy, but he'd
#onfirmed my fears firmly.
"(e're ri#h)" I had said, too stunned to #onsider anything else.
"I'm afraid not." 6or a se#ond, *ad had looked as if he wanted to smile
again. "(e're going to hae to start out with the tiniest, #heapest
house in town. 0ut it's a house, and it has si7 separate bedrooms. 'nd
you and Mi#hael #an start priate s#hool, too. (e #an get a #ar. '
.olo, maybe. 'nd we #an pay tuition at +ale or 4rin#eton instead of
Hunter College or 3Conn."
I had tou#hed my forehead with a benumbed palm. "(ow."
*ad had buried his fa#e in his hands. "I'm sorry, 9ummer. I'm doing a
horrible &ob of pretending that we'll be happy leaing Manhattan."
"It's &ust a pla#e, Manhattan." I had for#ed the words out. It had been
the right thing to do. (hat had I een had to lose) I'd lost so mu#h this
year that losing Manhattan had felt like it would probably be a relief. I
hadn't been sure if Curtis and I had a relationship, or if /a#hael and I
were on speaking terms. "+ou're right, *ad. It's a great opportunity."
He'd looked marginally happier. "+es, it is." He'd looked away from
me, studying the worn poster of ,lis 4resley that ,ri# had set up out
of spite on the wall. "'nd%maybe we #an start oer, kiddo."
I had pla#ed my hand oer his. "Maybe we #an." !hen, wanting to talk
about why e7a#tly we had to start oer, I'd said hestitantly, "*ad, do
you eer miss 1"
"(ell, then, that's settled." My father had #ut me off loudly. "(e're
moing to 8inbury. It'll be good, won't it) $etting away from all this%"
(e hadn't talked for a long time after that. "ot until now, in fa#t. 'nd
yet, he still wasn't ready to fa#e anything.
9o mu#h for e7pressing my feelings.
-n !uesday, I went to the library instead of to s#hool.
I had neer #ut #lass without a bun#h of my friends dragging me out of
the s#hool gates before. 0ut I was feeling tired of being responsible
and 'mature' when all I got for my efforts were drunk girls #alling me
names and my father shutting me out of his life. 'lso, Curtis still hadn't
#alled after our fight about "hocolate !earts. 'n hour or two of =ane
'usten would help me feel less blue about things. /emembering that
polite #onersation and gallant men had on#e e7isted would bring me
pea#e.
0ut when I got to the Classi#s se#tion of the publi# library 1 there were
two libraries at 8inbury, the smaller, ups#ale, e7#lusie /o#hester
8ibrary and the more proletarian 8inbury 4ubli# 8ibrary 1 I wasn't so
sure I would find pea#e there, be#ause ?a#h $ellar was sitting there,
long legs #urled up under him on a big plush an#ient-looking arm#hair,
buried in a dusty #opy of Charlotte 0ronte's Shirley.
I stepped ba#k to flee, but my footsteps had alerted him to my
presen#e. He looked up e7pressionlessly. "(ell, well, well." His oi#e
rang out authoratiely in the ;uiet, empty room, making me flin#h.
"9talking me)"
I #rossed my arms oer my #hest prote#tiely. "*on't flatter yourself."
?a#h un#rossed his legs slowly. ""ot #ontent with disturbing me at my
park ben#h, huh)"
"If I'd known how prote#tie you are of 'your' park ben#h, I wouldn't
hae gone there in the first pla#e." I pi#ked my way oer to the other
arm#hair and pi#ked up a book from the table between the two
arm#hairs.
",7#use me, kid, I didn't inite you to make yourself #omfortable here,"
?a#h said, putting Shirley down on his lap.
"I didn't inite you to make yourself #omfortable here, either, but you're
eidently doing so in spite of that," I shot ba#k. "(hy aren't you at
/o#hester 8ibrary, anyway) !hat one shuts out riffraff like me."
He didn't bother disputing my #alling myself riffraff. "It doesn't shut out
riffraff like my mother's friend." 'nnoyan#e flashed oer his features. "I
#ome here to be alone, okay)" he added pointedly.
"I'm &ust reading. I hae a right to be here."
"I don't think so," ?a#h said smoothly. "9#hool is where you're
supposed to be right now, kid."
I raised my eyebrows. "+ou haen't e7a#tly graduated either."
"9o, what, you're &ust going to follow me around and shatter any kind
of pea#e I build up for myself in the pro#ess)"
"I #ould ask the same of you," I retorted.
?a#h slammed his book down on the table. "=ust leave, okay)"
I wasn't sure why, but I found myself saying, apropos of nothing, "(hy
do you hate me so mu#h, anyway) I'e neer done anything to you."
?a#h blinked at me as if I'd started speaking in Chinese. "I don't hate
you."
I raised my eyebrows again, and he let out a short laugh. "!rust me,
kid, you shouldn't flatter yourself by thinking I hate you. .ery few
people are worth su#h a strong feeling. +ou're #ertainly not."
"+eah," I said sar#asti#ally. "I forgot. +ou &ust think "athan will be
#ontaminated if he's around me."
?a#h rolled his eyes. "4lease. 8ook, you #an't handle him. +ou'll get
burnt if you let him mess with you."
"9o why do you #are)"
"I don't. I &ust don't want him to hae the satisfa#tion of getting his way.
He doesn't desere it. -therwise, you're wel#ome to him." ?a#h's
oi#e was hard and s#athing. "ow will you leae)"
I narrowed my eyes #riti#ally, feeling my mounting irritation #ome to a
#res#endo. "*id anyone eer tell you that the s;uint doesn't really
work for you)"
He glared ba#k. "*id anyone eer tell you that you look drunk when
you're angry)"
"*id anyone eer tell you that the rebel-without-a-#ause a#t is way
oerdone)"
"*id anyone eer tell you that you're not going to surie a minute in
this pla#e)"
"*id anyone eer tell you 1" I stopped myself. !his was #hildish and
&uenile. "8ook, ?a#h. Contrary to what you think, I'm not here to get
into your #rowd, or to let "athan mess with me."
"Really)" ?a#h said, mo#k-worshipfully. "(ell, good, be#ause you're
not su##eeding." He paused. "9o what are you here for, then)"
I looked at him. "9urial, okay) !o make it somewhere. !o study, get
good grades, maybe go to%" I stopped, wondering if it was wise to tell
him. "+ale," I said finally.
?a#h raised his eyebrows. "!hat's where #'m going."
I stared, taken aba#k. "+ou want to go to +ale)"
""ot want to," ?a#h said #onfidently. "'m going to."
"0ut%you%" I fumbled for words. "+ou skip #lasses like it's a
#ompulsion."
?a#h nodded. "+es, but I'e gotten straight-''s and great 9'! s#ores
without a bun#h of idiots haing to &ump down my throat for eery non-
#onformist idea I'e eer had."
"=ee2, you're modest," I #ouldn't help saying.
He gae me a withering look. "=ust being honest."
"(hat about%" I paused. "'#tiities)"
He shrugged. "9pending money. 'nd getting my parents to spend
money."
I rolled my eyes. "I get it," I said s#ornfully. "+ou'll get in by donating a
new library to +ale. +our 9'! s#ores don't een matter."
?a#h shrugged again. "4retty mu#h." He narrowed his eyes. "+ou
think haing money makes me a bad guy, huh)"
I shook my head, the hostility ebbing away as I looked at him
thoughtfully. I found myself wondering how and why it was that I was
haing an a#tual #onersation with -ach .ellar. ""ope. "ot a bad guy.
=ust a lu#ky one."
?a#h opened his mouth and shut it again. I got up, grabbing the
nearest book on the table, and mar#hed out. 6or on#e, I wouldn't let
him hae the last word.
I went home at three and #alled Curtis on my #ell phone. !alking to
?a#h had made me feel less angry with Curtis. It had reminded me
that there were a lot of assholes in the world, and it made me feel
desperate to re#onne#t with Curtis before I lost one of the guys I #ould
a#tually loe.
I was going to get our relationship ba#k on tra#k for on#e and for all.
"9ummer)"
"Curt," I said happily. "I'm so glad you #alled. I'e missed you so
mu#h, and I #ouldn't say it that eening, but 1 "
"(e need to talk."
*anger signals pri#kled all oer my brain. I ignored them. I gathered
up my #ourage with both hands. It was now or neer.
"+es, Curt, I know. 8et's talk, okay) 8et's talk about #ra2y stuff. 8et's
hae phone se7," I added re#klessly. "(hateer it takes. =ust to feel
like us again 1 "
"I #an't do this anymore," he said flatly.
I #losed my eyes, steadying myself. 9omehow, een while de#iding to
try and get him ba#k, I had seen this #oming. "I loe you, Curtis. 9o
mu#h. !hat hasn't #hanged."
"I don't think I do anymore."
!he words sho#ked me out of my da2e. "(hat)"
"I'm sorry." His tone was #lipped, far away. "+ou're ama2ing. +ou're
great. +ou're really, really smart and understanding and%but%I%
things aren't the same anymore. Can't you see that)"
I gripped the phone tightly. "+es, I #an, but Curt 1 #'m still the same.
+ou know that. My feelings for you are the same, anyway, een if I'm
not. Can't that be enough)"
"I'm sorry," he said tonelessly.
I took in deep breaths, willing myself not to #ry. "+ou #alled me my first
day and I was so happy, Curt. 'nd I #ame home this eening and I
really thought we #ould try again."
"$od, I feel awful, 9um, but I &ust can't." I heard him let out a heay
sigh. "I loed you ery mu#h, you know that. 0ut%oh, $od, this
sounds harsh, but I%I don't think I loe you anymore. I #an't be fair to
you. +ou're too far away, 9ummer."
"I haen't #heated on you, Curtis," I said eagerly, grasping a stray
thought. Maybe if he knew that%if I made him forget about our fight%
"I%but you'll be tempted to, 9ummer. 'nd so will I. I%I don't
understand you anymore. +ou #an say you haen't, but you have
#hanged, in a way I #an't get. +ou're so far away from all of us now 1
literally and metaphori#ally. -kay) (e're kids, and you hae
responsibilities none of us #an understand."
"# haven't cheated on you." It was all I #ould think about. Had he
#heated on me) (as that what this was about) Could it possibly be
that simple)
"!here are a lot of white-ass grown-up ri#h kids in that whitebread
town, 9um," he said e7haustedly. "+our future is like theirs. +ou and
I%we're from different worlds now."
I wished he would stop making it sound like this was about me. 'nd I
wished I #ould #onin#e him that he was wrong. We were from the
same world 1 it was me and the 'white-ass grown-up ri#h kids in that
whitebread town' that didn't belong together. "+ou don't really think
that, do you)"
"+es, I do. 'nd besides 1 I &ust want to be a kid, okay) I want to hae
fun. I don't want to keep wishing I #ould fi7 things for my girlfriend 1
things I don't een understand. I don't want to try, period. I want a
relationship that's my age, not one that's trying to get light years
ahead."
I #urled my hand into a fist. He was right, wasn't he) I had #hanged,
and he hadn't. I knew that perfe#tly well. It wasn't fair to him that I was
trying so hard to hold on to him.
"9ta#ey !empleton asked me to the Home#oming *an#e, 9ummer.
'nd I really, really wanted to say yes." He paused, and I felt my
stoma#h #len#hing, a pulse throbbing away at my forehead. "I don't
think that says anything good about our relationship. I'm sorry."
(ould he stop apologi2ing) $od, how I wished I #ould hate him for
how he was making me feel. 0ut I #ouldn't. I still loed him too damn
mu#h for my welfare.
"I'm sorry, I really am." !he tonelessness in his oi#e dropped down to
misery. "I did 1 I do loe you. 0ut I #an't keep on doing this anymore. I
#an't keep for#ing myself to feel something that doesn't #ome
naturally. 'nd I don't want to fake it, either."
I'd begged enough. I'd let him trample on my pride long enough. I bit
my lip, summoning dignity from the depths of my soul. "+ou're right.
I'm sorry I made you waste so mu#h time on me."
"9ummer, don't 1 "
"I hope you hae a good time at the *an#e with 9ta#ey. 9ay yes
before she #hanges her mind."
"9ummer, please 1 I didn't want to hurt you."
' little too late for that. "It's all right," I for#ed myself to say, een
though it wasn't.
"Can we still be friends)" he asked me hopefully.
I #ouldn't beliee he was hitting me with that line. "9ure," I lied. It
wasn't his fault that he didn't loe me anymore, not really. ,erything
had been #onspiring to break us up. 4verything. He was &ust too tired
to fight it anymore. I #ouldn't pretend it was a surprise, really. Maybe it
was een a relief, a good thing. 0ut I #ouldn't make myself feel glad.
"I%I guess%we're both free now, huh)"
"+eah," Curtis said. "!ake #are, okay)"
I sat motionless for a long time after he'd hung up, waiting for the sting
of tears, for the keen, sharp e7#ru#iating pain. 0ut all I felt was
#onfusion, a loose feeling of being undefined, of not knowing who I
was without Curtis as the one all-important #onstant in my life. !hree
years of giing into eery wish my boyfriend had eer had, and all I'd
gotten was this> standing in a #old bedroom with a phone in my hand,
all ties to my home seered and nothing left of my old world e7#ept
the feeling of being utterly, #ompletely on my own.
If this was what freedom felt like, I'd rather be a slae.
'nd I'd thought -ach .ellar was an asshole.



5. Double Crossed ! Love
"9o." Ms 0lake, my ,nglish tea#her, per#hed on top of her an#ient
wooden desk and shot the #lass an en#ouraging look. "(ho would like
to olunteer an opinion on what 5anity Fair is about)"
9in#e new students at !hornton were organi2ed into #lasses on the
basis of the results of the aptitude tests they took on the first day of
s#hool, I had 'lgebra I, whi#h #ontained mostly freshmen> 0iology II
with the sophomores> and ,uropean history, 0usiness and '##ounts,
6ren#h, and 4, with a mi7ed bun#h of really smart freshmen, smart
sophomores, not-so-smart &uniors and dumb seniors. 6or ,nglish, I
was in the smallest, most adan#ed #lass !hornton offered, whi#h
imparted knowledge of the language to four seniors, two &uniors, me,
and e7a#tly 2ero freshmen on (ednesdays, !hursdays, and 6ridays.
's well as to ?a#h $ellar.
I should hae known that when 'nn had tried to for#e me to stop
reading so m#uh and so#iali2e with my peers, ba#k in the fourth grade
before /a#hael took oer the &ob, she had done it to prote#t me from
#lasses with guys like ?a#h. 3nfortunately, she hadn't tried hard
enough.
"(ell)" Ms 0lake slid off the desk, peering around the #lassroom with
a half-hopeful, half-resigned e7pression that made me feel guilty for
neer parti#ipating in #lass. "*id anyone a#tually read the book oer
the weekend, or was this 9aturday and 9unday all about forni#ating
and mi7ing te;uilas)"
I looked at ?a#h, who was resting his elbows on his desk, his
shoulders slumped and eyes half-lidded. I knew he'd read the book 1
I'd seen him with it in the #afetaria and in homeroom. I didn't know
why he wasn't saying anything 1 he neer had any ;ualms about
opening his big fat mouth otherwise, did he) I wouldn't hae #ared
normally, but I felt sorry for, and liked, young, idealisti# Ms 0lake, who
had graduated from "+3 and had a warm, kind smile #ompletely at
odds with her all-bla#k, trendy attire. 9he seemed to to take it
personally when her students didn't en&oy a book that had been
assigned, or a #lass dis#ussion, whi#h, gien the apatheti# attitude
most !hornton students had towards ,nglish, happened often.
It wasn't that I didn't en&oy ,nglish. I loed it, espe#ially now that we
were reading one of my faourite noels, (illiam Makepea#e
!ha#keray's 5anity Fair, a #olourful book about ,nglish so#iety during
and after the "apoleoni# wars. I &ust didn't feel like drawing attention
to myself by airing my opinions.
!oday, eyeing the disappointment that Ms 0lake was aliantly trying to
#oer up with a #yni#al smile, and hating the way ?a#h was slou#hed
in his seat and leering at her, I opened my mouth. "I think it's a lot
about #lass barriers in so#iety."
Ms 0lake whirled around in my dire#tion, her fa#e going from resigned
to hopeful in se#onds. "'h, we hae an opinion!" 9he smiled at me,
the smile going all the way up to her eager blue eyes. "(hy don't you
elaborate, 9ummer)"
I was too thrown by the fa#t that she hadn't had to #onsult a register to
find out my name to protest or shrink into my seat. "3m, I 1 I guess it's
about, uh, about how eerything 1 like loe, friendship, irtue 1 #an
burn away before, um, the fire of ambition." I felt embarrassed by my
#hoi#e of words, but I plunged on, keeping my eyes fi7ed steadfastly
on my desk. "It also seems to me to be about the, uh, the hypo#risy of
human nature, and um, the anity that makes people, you know%" I
thought about the way I'd sat by my window for hours last night, my
fists #len#hed, wanting to drown myself in the shower. "!hat makes
people laster smiles on their fa#es when they're dying inside &ust so
they don't hae to fa#e the laughter and the 1 the pity of the world."
Ms 0lake straightened, an amused, half-impressed smile on her fa#e.
"(ell, 9ummer, you #ertainly understand one of the themes in the
book 1 laugh, and the world laughs with you> #ry, and the world laughs
1"
"'t you," I finished.
(e beamed at ea#h other as though we'd &ust gotten engaged.
'nd then, of #ourse, ?a#h $ellar felt #ompelled to spoil the moment.
"How poeti#ally put," he snorted.
Ms 0lake and I looked at him. He had taken his elbows off his desk
and was sitting upright, a #urious glint in his hooded dark eyes.
"I suppose you think it's a histori#al work or something," I said #oolly. I
had been up till fie a.m this morning, my stoma#h #onstri#ting eery
time I thought about yesterday's phone #all. I had gotten my heart
stomped on, walked oer, #rushed, and gobbled up, all in the last
twenty-four hours, and I hadn't een let myself #ry oer it be#ause I
was determined not to waste the water I told myself my body needed.
If this asshole thought he #ould get to me with his barbed-wire
#omments, he was wrong.
"I think it's simply about two types of women," ?a#h said, the glint in
his eyes deepening. "0e#ky 9harp, a #leer so#ial #limber who's
willing to do anything to get what she wants, and 'melia 9edley, her
e7a#t opposite."
Ms 0lake looked pleased, I supposed be#ause not &ust one, but two of
her students were parti#ipating in #lass after weeks of stony,
un#on#erned absorption in their own thoughts. "'nd you don't think
that's oersimplifying)"
"(ell, it does, hae a larger meaning, I guess." ?a#h smirked #o#kily.
"*on't fall in loe or you'll end up like Captain Crawley. Miserable,
betrayed, and lonely."
I opened my mouth to #ontest him, but I swallowed my words mid-air.
Miserable, betrayed, and lonely. (as that what # was) I wasn't one for
self-pity 1 I hated lisening to self-absorbed ro#k bands whining about
how mu#h their lies su#ked and why #ouldn't they &ust be dead, blah
blah blah. I preferred righting things that went wrong in my life. 'nd
yet%I was miserable about yesterday's breakup, selfishly, whinily
miserable. I did feel betrayed by Curtis's not being willing to work
harder for our relationship. 'nd I was lonely.
'nd all be#ause I'd let myself fall in loe with Curtis.
0ut%but%falling in loe did hae its moments, it had to hae its
moments, be#ause otherwise, why would the whole world be singing
its praises een though its side effe#ts in#luded feeling like elephant's
shit) I didn't know. I &ust didn't know.
's I sat there, gaping at ?a#h in #omplete stupefa#tion, Ms 0lake
smiled at us as happily as if we'd brought her a pie#e of the moon.
"!hank you, ?a#h. 9ummer. !he first produ#tie period I'e had all
year." 9he pi#ked up a pie#e of #halk and walked to the bla#kboard.
"6or homework 1 and this goes for all of you, een those of you who
will be busy getting tested for 'I*s and swallowing hangoer #ures 1
write an essay about loe, based on a ;uote from any noel written
before ABAD by a 0ritish author."
(rite about loe, I thought. 9omething I #ouldn't understand at all.
9omething that I would be failing at, if it were a sub&e#t.
I missed Curtis.
"I miss Curtis," I said aloud to =a22, pla#ing my steaming #up of #offee
on the #ounter-top.
9he gae me a sympatheti# look and s#rounged a #ho#olate #hip
#ookie from the &ar on the #ounter. (hen =a22 had found me staring
into spa#e in the staff toilets and asked me what was wrong, I hadn't
bothered to deny that I knew what she was talking about. 5uietly,
matter-of-fa#tly, I'd informed her that I'd broken up with my boyfriend
and would like some time alone.
'nd now I'd broken down een further and admitted to her that I
missed him. I didn't know what was happening. (as I a#tually learning
to trust =a22)
"-h, sweetie." 9he patted my hand #omfortingly and offered me a
#ream doughnut. "Here. 9ugar helps."
I took a greedy bite, en&oying the fresh, sweet warmth spilling onto my
tongue. "!hanks."
(e #hewed in silen#e until, suddenly, =a22 stiffened. I heard her
sharp, swift intake of breath and turned my fa#e to look at her
;uestioningly> all the #olour had drained from her fa#e.
"=a22) 're you all 1" I followed the dire#tion of her ga2e and #lamped
my mouth shut abruptly.
/o7anne Cartwright. Ro6anne "artwright, with one slim-fingered hand
#len#hing a suit#ase, /aybans per#hed on her silky bla#k head, and a
white sundress hugging her #ures, had &ust entered 0ig Happy
6amily.
"-h, my $od," #hirped the pretty redhead trailing after her, one of the
girls who followed her all around s#hool in hopes of inheriting some of
her popularity. "I #annot beliee you're &ust #utting s#hool for the rest
of the week and flying off to 0oston 1 your parents are so #ool,
/o7anne! 'nd it's, like, so in#redible that you're taking me along 1"
"3h-huh," /o7anne #ut her off. "8isten, um, 8u#inda, get me a latte
grande and sto#k up on some more for the flight 1"
9he stopped speaking as her eyes landed on me and =a22, standing
tensely behind the #ounter, staring at her in transfi7ed horror. ' slow
smirk twisted her pouty red mouth. 9he #rossed daintily oer to the
#ounter, head #o#ked to one side, like a bird's. "(ell, well, well. If it
isn't !hornton's former and #urrent #harity #ases. !ell me, is it a thing
for s#holarship students to know not to mess with my boys)"
"/o7anne," =a22 began.
/o7anne pi#ked up the #up of #offee I'd pla#ed on the #ounter, shot us
another smirk, and tossed the #ontents of it, not at us, as I'd half-
e7pe#ted, but at her own dress.
'nd then she started s#reaming for the manager.
!hings seemed to happen in slow motion after that. !he manager of
0ig Happy 6amily, Mr :erlowski, burst into the room from his little
offi#e by the toilets. "Miss Cartwright!" he gasped, taking in /o7anne's
#offee-dren#hed sundress, blan#hing as the thought of being sued
o##urred to him. "Miss Cartwright, what happened)"
I wasn't surprised that he knew /o7anne. 8inbury was a small town,
and /o7anne's dad was one of the most influential people in it. 'lso,
/o7anne probably flew a lot, so most of the airport staff probably
knew her. =a22, who had only starting working there oer the summer,
hadn't seen her, but Mr :erlowski had been around for a while.
/o7anne burst into huge, dramati# sobs. "*o you know how mu#h this
dress #ost)" she shrieked. "6our hundred and eighty dollars! -kay)
Four hundred and eighty!"
!hen I reali2ed what she was going to do. I opened my mouth and
shut it again, s;uee2ing my eyes #losed. I #ouldn't say anything. I was
too eager to #onin#e myself that she #ouldn't be doing what I thought
she was doing, too afraid I would lose my &ob if I let the words #ome
out.
=a22 straightened, a defiant look in her eyes. "!hink how many little
kids worked their fingers to the bone so you #ould spend your father's
hard-earned money."
I felt a fier#e rush of affe#tion for her, and a fier#e longing to be more
like her, brae and bold and hot-headed.
9ae for a furious look, /o7anne ignored her. "9he d-dit it." Her oi#e
#hoking on an angry sob, she stabbed a shaking inde7 finger in my
dire#tion. "I &ust a-asked for a #offee, and she grabbed a #up and t-
threw it at me!"
,en though I'd seen it #oming, I was too sho#ked by the lie to find my
oi#e. "I didn't," I said, but my oi#e was soft and unsteady.
"/o7anne, that's su#h a lie!" =a22 said, loudly, steadily, angrily.
I didn't want her to be fighting my battles, but I felt grateful anyway.
"I demand that you make some #ompensation for what she did,
immediately!" /o7anne shouted at the top of her oi#e.
"Miss (ard, this #ondu#t is unacceptable," Mr :erlowski blustered,
obediently. "+our pay will be do#ked until you'e made enough to pay
Miss Cartwright for her dress. Miss Cartwright, I'm truly, genuinely
sorry 1"
8ooking at him, leering ingratiatingly at /o7anne, and at /o7anne,
who looked smug and gloating, I felt an oerwhelming surge of anger.
I may hae been ;uiet, I may hae preferred hiding to #reating trouble,
but I wasn't about to let /o7anne walk all oer me in her Manolo
0lahniks 1 I couldn't, een if it #ost me my &ob. I'd always prided
myself on my independen#e, and I would presere my pride, no
matter how impra#ti#al that meant I had to be for the moment.
"!hat's all right, Mr :erlowski," I said ;uietly. I took off my 0ig Happy
6amily apron and pla#ed it gently on the #ounter. "+ou don't hae to
do#k my pay. I ;uit." In the sudden silen#e that followed my
announ#ement, I walked oer to the door, said, "Congratulations,
/o7anne," and walked out.
"(ait up!" =a22 #alled. I turned &ust in time to see her tear off her
apron, wad it up, and toss it with perfe#t aim at /o7anne. It boun#ed
off her stunned fa#e and landed on the floor. "9u#k on this, bit#h. 'nd
you, :erlowski 1 hae fun li#king her balls."
"either of us said anything as we mar#hed out of the airport. It wasn't
until the fresh air hit my fa#e that the full impli#ations of what I'd done
stru#k me, bringing with it a weakening wae of regret. -h, $od. What
had # done) I had been impulsie, I had lost the self-#ontrol I prided
myself on as mu#h as my independen#e, I had been stupid and
foolish and goddamned irresponsible and sel,ish 1 working at 0ig
Happy 6amily gae me the money to buy not only my own #lothes, but
also ,ri# and ,ri#a's, and to pay for the toys and musi# and books
they wanted. # needed my 7ob.
"9hit." I felt my knees bu#kle underneath me. I sank down on the
paement. "Shit. I hae to 1 I hae to go ba#k. $roel. (hateer. I
need to 1"
"9um." =a22 slid down ne7t to me. "I'm ery proud of you."
"9hit," I said again, wildly.
"Honey, do you seriously want to go ba#k and groel to /o7anne)"
=a22 raised her eyebrows ;ui2i#ally. "9he'll make you literally li#k her
feet, no shit. +ou know that. It won't be pretty."
I #losed my eyes, my breathing getting shallow.
"!hink about it," =a22 pressed. "'t twenty-one, you might end up as
the i#e-president of some se7-toy fa#tory. (hat would you do if they
started getting girls from Ira; and fitting those girls into ma#hines
they'd be trapped in foreer) (ould you go along, &ust to make a bu#k
or two, or would you ;uit and find something more right to do)"
I gae her a wild-eyed glare. "+ou don't understand! I need this &ob! I
need the money!"
"+ou'll find something," =a22 said, patting my arm #omfortingly. "+ou're
smart and responsible and trustworthy 1 any 9tarbu#ks will loe you."
9he grinned. "It's me I'm worried about."
I looked at her. 9he had stu#k up for me een though she knew I didn't
trust her fully. 9he hadn't needed to sa#rifi#e her &ob 1 but she had, for
my sake, to defend me. 9he treated life as if it was a game she was
playing by her prin#iples rather than by its rules. 'nd she was a ,riend,
in a way that /a#hael had neer been.
I took a deep, shaky, steadying breath, resoling that I wouldn't burst
into tears 1 I wouldn't. "+ou're the braest person I know, =a22."
"'nd here I was, thinking the same thing about you." 9he smiled. "I
think you're elasti#, kiddo. 9omething gets you down, you boun#e up
again, fi7 not &ust your problems but eeryone else's also."
I gae a laugh that was as shaky as my oi#e. "+eah) !hen how #ome
I'm sitting on the paement in front of 8inbury 'irport on the erge of a
breakdown)"
"I don't see a breakdown, 9um. I see this really young, really mature
#hi#k dealing with a deadly bit#h, an asshole boyfriend, three &a#kass
guys, and some family shit she won't tell me about 1 and still
managing to keep herself together and do great in #lass."
"!hanks," I whispered, still shaky. "I think you're like elasti# too."
"-h, I boun#e up again. 0ut I don't try soling other people's problems
as well as my own. 9o." =a22's oi#e was determinedly updbeat. "+ou
still thinking you #an hide from /o7anne)"
I sighed. "I a#tually thought of fighting ba#k a long time ago." I told her
about /o7anne's earlier stunt, e7plaining that Hadley was my
stepsister and one of my weakest points. =a22 didn't probe, although
I'd resoled to answer her ;uestions if she asked them. I told her
about "hocolate !earts, about /o7anne's pretended drunkenness.
"0ut I didn't know how to. I still don't."
=a22 nodded thoughtfully, giing me a huge, e7#ited smile. "(ell, I'm
going to figure something out. !wo heads are better than one, right)"
9he winked at me. "'s the great Miss Cartwright said herself,
payba#k's a bitch/"
8ayback's a bitch.
/o7anne had lost me the &ob I so desperately wanted. 9he'd gone a
little too far this time, in my opinion. 9he desered to know that she
wasn't the only person with power in the world.
0ut in the meantime, I needed to find another &ob.
I walked home through the park again. 's I'd half-e7pe#ted, Chris was
there, ki#king a ball around. 'mused by his Harry 4otter t-shirt, I
stopped and ki#ked the ball oer to him when it stopped in front of me.
"Hey," Chris said, smiling. "+ou better mention me in your will. !he guy
who taught you to ki#k a so##er ball."
I tried to smile ba#k. I was feeling numb about the 0ig Happy 6amily
episode, een though =a22 had tried to #heer me up by buying me an
enormous hot dog from the stand by the airport. "Chris, did your
friends go to single-se7 s#hools before !hornton)"
Chris gaped. "How do you know that)"
I shrugged. "I read a newspaper report this morning. It said that
people who go to single-se7 s#hools are a hell of a lot nastier than
ones who go to #oedu#ational s#hools."
Chris didn't say anything for a while. !hen he said #arefully, passing
the ball to me without asking me if I wanted to play first, "3m, did
/o7anne do something new or%"
"6orget it." I ki#ked the ball ba#k to him, harder than I'd meant to. I
was upset, but I wasn't dumb.
Chris stopped ki#king and peered at me. "+ou sure you're okay)"
I shrugged again. "I will be." I managed to smile. "*id you go to a #o-
ed s#hool)"
"+ou don't think I'm nasty)" Chris said an7iously. (hen I shook my
head, his fa#e fell, eer so slightly.
"(hat)" I asked.
"(ell, you know." Chris s#rewed up his fa#e, like a little boy. ""i#e is
boring. ,eryone says that."
"-h, #ome on," I said, feeling a surge of almost maternal #ompassion
towards him. "!hat's not true. "i#e is rare. ,ndangered. 'nd you know
what eeryone says about endangered things. !hey're aluable."
Chris grinned. "!hanks."
"+ou're wel#ome." I ki#ked the ball at the swings. "I should get going, I
guess. 9ee you around."
!hat was when "athan #ame hurrying down the path, wearing shorts
and a !hornton sweatshirt, &ust like Chris was. I felt my neres tense
in sudden wariness when I saw him, his green eyes bent absently on
the grass, his bare legs mus#ular and strong. "Hey, man." He skidded
to a stop. "9orry I'm late, I had a la7 team to #aptain 1 Summer)"
"I was &ust, um, going," I said ;ui#kly. I didn't want to talk to him. !he
sight of him reminded me of what /o7anne had pulled> they both had
that aura of arrogan#e, easiness, a sureness of their pla#e in the
world. 'nd it also reminded me of "hocolate !earts and how
ambialent it had left me feeling towards him.
""o, don't go." "athan moed #loser to me, dropping his oi#e to the
low, #arressing tone I found se7y in spite of my ehement resolution
not to. "I haen't seen you at all this week. (here hae you been
hiding)"
I moed ba#kwards, alarmed at my rea#tion to his oi#e. "(hereer
you haen't been," I managed to snap.
"+ou #an run, but you #an't hide, you know. I always used to win hide-
and-seek games when I was a kid." He rea#hed out and tou#hed my
arm, making my neres &angle again.
I snat#hed ba#k my arm, something inside me snapping. I was &ust so
fu#king tired of his games and what they were #osting me. (hat right
did he hae to play them with me) I'd neer done anything to him.
""athan." I kept my oi#e low be#ause I had a feeling it would start
shaking if I raised it. "=ust. 8eae. Me. 'lone. 2kay)"
"athan's grin faded, giing pla#e to #on#ern. He tou#hed my #heek
gently> I flin#hed, but he didn't remoe his fingers. "Hey. (hat's
wrong)"
I ba#ked away, #len#hing my teeth in an effort to keep my oi#e
steady. !he onslaught of the tears pri#king at my eyes enraged me so
mu#h that I almost felt lightheaded. ""o. I'm not okay. 'll right) My
boyfriend dumped me to go to some stupid dan#e with some stupid
slut #alled 9ta#ey !empleton, my father doesn't #are about his
responsibilities, my stepsister is an insensitie brat, and your fu#king
best friend lost me my &ob be#ause you won't leae me alone. -kay)
"ow you know! !appy)"
$iing up on the futile task of stopping my oi#e 1 and my entire body
1 from trembling, I turned and ran.
I had gotten through three tubs of different i#e-#ream flaours 1
4ista#hio, 4eanut 0utter '" Cho#olate, and Cho#olate 6udge 1 by the
time Mi#hael #ame home.
He took one look at me, sitting in the kit#hen with the lights off,
shoelling i#e-#ream into my mouth, and said bluntly, "*id Hadley do
us a faour and die)"
I shook my head. ""ope. I &ust had a breakdown in front of the one
guy in the world I want to see me as inulnerable and impenetrable."
Mi#hael pulled ba#k a #hair and sat down, pulling the tub of
9trawberry i#e-#ream I had started on towards him. "(hat was the
breakdown about)" he said guardedly.
I shrugged at the air. "Curtis dumped me."
"!he boy you went to that dan#e last spring with)"
I blinked, surprised that Mi#hael knew about my loe life when I didn't
know anything about his. "+eah."
"$ood," Mi#hael pronoun#ed. "He wasn't good for you."
I was too tired to feel angry about his remark. "(ell, I disagree. -h,
and I lost my &ob."
"(hy)" Mi#hael asked. His fa#e was e7pressionless> it felt good to be
talking to someone who wasn't &udging me eery moment.
I told him as #on#isely as I #ould. I told him about my first day at
!hornton, about the Champagne $ang, about =a22, about "athan's
pursuan#e of me 1 e7#ept for the kiss> I &ust #ouldn't muster up the
guts to tell my big brother about that 1 and about *erek. He listened
more attentiely than anybody had eer listened to me before, and
then he said, "+ou did the right thing."
I stared into the distan#e, still feeling #ompletely blank, emotionally as
well as physi#ally. "+ep. 'nd lost my sour#e of in#ome for #ollege
tuition and for taking #are of myself without )ad's help."
"+ou're mad at *ad," Mi#hael said, not as a ;uestion, but as a
statement.
"+es," I admitted, honestly. "'ren't you)"
He nodded. "+ou did the right thing," he repeated.
"*on't I always," I muttered.
"+ou always also find something else to do," Mi#hael said briefly. "6ind
another &ob."
I rubbed my eyes tiredly. "Mi#hael, this isn't e7a#tly Manhattan. It's a
ri#h-kids small town. !here aren't a whole lot of part-time &obs lying in
wait for fifteen-year-olds."
Mi#hael stood up. "!hey're looking for part-timers at the hospital
bookstore. +ou like books."
-n#e again, I felt surprised that he knew that about me. He was right<
I #ouldn't &ust sit around eating i#e-#reams in dark rooms. I felt a
stream of gratitude for Mi#hael and =a22 1 the two sane, supportie
people in my life. I would find another &ob. I had to.
"-kay," I said. "I'll apply for that. (hat else)"
Mi#hael shrugged. "0abysitting."
I thought for a se#ond. I wasn't a bad babysitter> I'd been good at
taking #are of the twins and "eil. "How do I get #lients)"
"I #ould put in an ad," said Mi#hael. "In the lo#al newspaper. 6or you."
,lasti#, =a22 had said. 9he'd said she #ouldn't see the breakdown.
"!hat would be great," I said to my big brother, and nodded my head.
+ookworm9: has signed on at 99;<=;(> pm/
.." he!
.. " this is n#th#n
.. " um$
.. " i t#ke it !ou're still m#d #t me
.. " got !our em#il #dd %rom the dire&tor!' bt(
.. " th#t thing &#n )otenti#ll! be # tre#sure %or st#lkers$heh
.. " l#me *oke' huh+
.. " ok' !ou're D,-I.IT,L/ still m#d #t me
.. " !ou &#n't seriousl! be bl#ming M, %or (h#t ro0#nne did
.. " even i% !ou #re
.. " look' *ust T1LK to me' 2L,13,+
.. " do !ou need hel) (ith # *ob+
.. " i'm re#ll! sorr! #bout (h#t she did
.. " 34MM,5
.. " i don't underst#nd the rest o% (h#t !ou s#id' but I'm gl#d !ou
s#id it
.. " *ust tell me (h#t's going on' 2L,13,
.. " th#t stu%% #bout !our d#d #nd !our$sister or something+
.. " !ou &#n t#lk to me i% !ou (#nt to' !ou kno(
.. " look' i &#n tell ro0! to t#lk to !our boss
.. " #lthough i don't think i &#n get her to #)ologi6e to !ou
.. " 34MM,57777777
ook(orm85 " i don't need ur hel)
+ookworm9: has signed o,, at 99;:?;(@ pm/
(hen I saw "athan waiting in front of the s#hool gates on !hursday
morning, I had a ery good idea that I knew &ust what 1 or who 1 he
was waiting for. I was tempted to go running to the library again, but I
for#ed myself to walk #almly down the path and make for the main
building as though I hadn't een seen him there. If he thought that I
was a damsel in distress &ust be#ause I'd displayed some ulnerability
last eening, then he was ery, ery wrong.
His arm shot out as I attempted to stalk haughtily past him, for#ing me
to a stop. I looked at him, trying to find my inner ,e 1 if there was
eer a moment I needed to resemble a haughty I#e 5ueen, it was
right then, een though I felt more like a mess than I eer had before.
"(hat do you want)"
"(hy didn't you talk to me yesterday)" "athan said, his eyes
#on#erned. I had no idea what the #on#ern was for. "athan (ellington
was not a ni#e guy> he was not Chris 6it2gerald by any means. (hy
would he be #on#erned about me) 3nless he was putting on his a#t
again, whi#h seemed the likelier option.
"I think it's obious," I snarled. I was finding it harder and harder to
maintain my #ool around these people. I was afraid I was going to
e7plode at some point, letting out eery single se#ret I worked hard to
keep, and I didn't want "athan (ellington around when that happened
the way he'd been when I'd let loose with a preiew of it. "I didn't want
to."
I started striding ba#k to the s#hool building. 0ut he had no trouble at
all keeping up with me, and he easily fell into step beside me as I
walked. "8ook. I know you don't like me, and I'll admit I haen't been
the easiest guy to like. 0ut I'm not all that bad, you know 1 and if you
eer want to talk or whateer 1"
I whirled to fa#e him, feeling a mi7ture of sadness and anger I #ouldn't
#ontrol ery well. "6u#k you," I spat.
He raised one eyebrow, the #on#erned e7pression fading away into
his #ustomary glib #onfiden#e. I #ouldn't #lassify it as arrogan#e, it
was far too #harming for that, but it still annoyed the hell out of me. "I
didn't know you wanted to," he said, with one of his grins.
I #lamped my mouth shut, #on#entrating on &ust breathing. I #ounted
to ten, slowly and #arefully, before I opened it again. I wouldn't lose
my #omposure again 1 I would be in #ontrol, dammit! "I really, really
wish you'd die off a plane without a para#hute."
!he grin disappeared. He looked almost troubled, brows #lamped
together, eyes narrowed. "(hat is it that I'm doing that makes you
hate me so mu#h)"
I #losed my eyes, feeling tired again. 9o, so fu#king tired."(ell, let's
see, first you de#ided to sedu#e me 1 stop," I said ;ui#kly, wat#hing
him open his mouth to protest. ",en if that fa#tor isn't there anymore
1 and I firmly beliee it is, and nothing you say is going to #hange that
1 it's, &ust, well, not about you anymore. I'm &ust si#k and tired of
/o7anne feeling threatened by me &ust be#ause you're pursuing me
like I hae eerything you'e eer needed in your life. -kay) 9o &ust
stop doing it. 8lease. If you hae an oun#e, an eighth of an oun#e of
#ompassion in your body, then ba#k off."
He didn't say anything for a long time. (hen he did, he didn't
a##ompany his words with one of his grins, and he didn't &ust look
almost troubled. "'ll right."
I felt weak with relief, but I also felt suspi#ious 1 I #ouldn't beliee that
he would gie up so easily> that would &ust be too good to be true.
' se#ond later, I was proed right when "athan, turning ba#k to go off
to his #lass, said ;uietly oer his shoulder, "0ut you know what) I'm
still not going to stop wanting to help you 1 and we'll see how long you
#an last without any kind of help whatsoeer. 8et me know when
you're willing to a#knowledge that. +ou hae my number."
I gritted my teeth as I wat#hed him walk away. It seemed sometimes
that I &ust #ouldn't win.
I #alled =a22 from the library during 8un#h while thumbing distra#tedly
through a #opy of &he $an #n &he #ron $ask. 9he didn't hae a #ell
phone, but she'd gien me the number of her new boyfriend !reor's,
saying that they were pra#ti#ally atta#hed at the hip throughout s#hool
hours.
I told her about "athan> instead of sounding worried, as I'd e7pe#ted,
a note of e7#itement #rept into her oi#e. "(hoa, whoa, whoa. 9o he's
basi#ally stalking you to help you)"
"!o mess with me," I #orre#ted.
"+ou don't know for sure. -h, my $od, 9um. !his is ama2ing. $reat.
'wesome. I #an't beliee I neer thought of it before!"
I frowned. "!hought of what)"
"I'm brilliant, 9ummer. +rilliant."
"3m," I said. "I won't #ontest that. 0ut 1"
"*on't you get it, you moron)" =a22 said e7#itedly. "!his whole plan
he's got going #an ba#kfire on him 1 and e7plode all oer /o7anne!"
I didn't stop frowning. "(hat are you talking about)"
"-h, $od, don't be so dim," =a22 ordered impatiently. "8ook. How
would /o7anne feel if athan started liking you for real) -r een
hanging out with you for real, being your friend)"
I felt my &aw drop as I started to pro#ess her plan. "(hat)"
"It's that simple," =a22 said triumphantly. "'ll you gotta do is use
"athan. He's &ust another ri#h asshole, right) 'll you need to do is
take him up on his offer and let him hang out with you. It's gonna drie
her nuts."
I swallowed some air. "=a22 1 what if your plan ba#kfires on me)"
I #ould almost hear her s#owl. "(hy would it 1 oh, my $od. 4lease tell
me you don't like him."
"I don't," I said truthfully. "I &ust 1 I don't like him that way, but, I don't
know, sometimes I think I do a#tually like him as a friend or &ust as a
guy 1 he #an be a #ool guy sometimes, he #an be funny and sweet
and 1 interesting." I wasn't about to say se7y. "I'm in two minds about
him, =a22."
"Is that you talking or your hormones)" =a22 said #arefully.
I felt my #heeks flush, mostly be#ause I'd been wondering that myself.
"Maybe. I don't know. I don't know anything when it #omes to him." '
day ago, I wouldn't een hae #onsidered blurting out my
helplessness to anyone> it was hard for me to do it now, but in a way, I
#ouldn't help myself 1 I needed her to understand.
"-h, honey." =a22's oi#e softened. "8isten to me. "ate (ellington)
He's got no feelings like that for you. If I know anything about those
shits, it's that they're only #ool people when they wanna play with you.
'nd sweetheart, you'e got a leel head 1 you're not gonna do
anything stupid. !hink about it. !hink how it'll make /o7anne feel if
"athan be#omes your friend 1 he's pra#ti#ally playing into your hands
with that self-obsession of his, for Christ's sake."
I looked down at my book. "It &ust seems 1 wrong, somehow."
"Wrong)" =a22 barked out a laugh. "*o you think /o7anne thought
about right and wrong when she was plotting up ways to get you to
lose your &ob) *o you, 9ummer)"
""o, but 1" !his was the real root of the reason I didn't want to do it. "I
don't want to be like her."
"If you #an't beat 'em, &oin 'em, babe." =a22 sighed. "9um, honey, what
would you be doing wrong) 9eriously. "athan wants to be your friend
1 all you do is let him. I'm not saying that if you find out he's for real
and you really like him, then you dump him '#ause you don't wanna
fight with /o7anne anymore. 'll you do, sweetie, is play him at his
own game 1 and if something real #omes out of that, then, well, he's a
lu#ky guy."
I sighed and #losed my eyes, not knowing what to say.
"=ust gie it a try, 9um," =a22 pleaded.
=a22 was right. I wouldn't be doing anything wrong> as long as I was
#areful, neither "athan nor I would be hurt 1 if he was een #apable of
being hurt, whi#h I #ouldn't be too sure of.
"-kay," I said. "I'll think about it."
!he moment I had hung up, my phone rang again. It was my brother,
#alling from a hospital pay phone. "I put out the babysitting ad in the
morning paper," he said. "+ou'e got a response already. 9omeone
#alled /osemary, lies on AE 'usten 8ane, has a si7-year-old #alled
!alia, wants you for 6riday night till midnight if possible. 9tarting
seen, seenteen an hour. 'pparently at the end of her tether, #an't
get de#ent people to work for her."
"9o that's...eighty-fie)" I raised my eyebrows, #ommitting the details
to memory. "!hat's like 1 whoa. $reat."
"(at#h your ba#k," Mi#hael said.
"!hanks, Mi#hael," I said, and pressed ',nd Call'.
I saw *ad's #ar in the drie as I walked down the road to /o#hester
Cottage. I felt a leap of an7iety 1 he wouldn't be home unless
something was wrong with Hadley or the twins or 'nn or, $od forbid,
Mi#hael. 's soon as I hurried inside, my an7iety seemed &ustified 1
there were oi#es raised in angry shouts #oming from the kit#hen, the
oi#es of my father and my stepmom.
"+ou beeped me at the hopsital and dragged me away from my
patients for this)" *ad sounded liid.
"I'm sorry," 'nn whimpered. "I felt so s#ared, I needed you. I need you
1 "
"!hey need me too, 'nn. $et that through your head. -ther people
than you need me. Hae you any idea how fu#king worried I was) I
thought something had happened to Mi#hael or 9ummer!" I noted how
definitiely he'd left 'nn's kids out. I was relieed that eeryone was
safe, and I supposed it was a relief he #ared about me, but pi#turing
'nn's #rumpled, tear-filled fa#e, I felt twi#e as angry with my father as
I had before. (hy did he hae to be so goddamned insensitie)
"I'm sorry," 'nn repeated, timidly.
"-f #ourse you are, you always are," *ad muttered angrily. "+ou #an't
&ust need me at the hospital when I'm busy trying to earn a liing to
pay for your e7penses, dammit!"
'nn's only response was a olley of sobs. 9orry as I was for her, I felt
ashamededly #ontemptuous as well> why #ouldn't she een try to pull
herself together)
"I &ust #an't tolerate this anymore. I'e tried to for far too long. !his has
got to stop, 'nn. #t's got to."
"I'll do anything," 'n said pleadingly. "(hateer you want me to do.
'nything. I'll try. I'll try to do anything 1"
"!here's &ust one thing I want from you right now."
"(hat is it)" 'nn's oi#e was desperately eager. "(hat do you want,
6rank)"
!here was no pity in my father's oi#e when he answered, &ust i#y
hardness. "' dior#e."
't seen o' #lo#k, I was still sitting on ?a#h's ben#h in the park, trying
to regroup my thoughts and #lear my head. I liked being there,
be#ause it was far more pea#eful and empty than the rier or
anywhere else. *ad hadn't #aught sight of me at the house, thankfully>
I'd ba#ked out noiselessly se#onds before he'd #ome barreling out of
the kit#hen. I didn't want to think about him or 'nn> I didn't want to
think about the way he'd uprooted her and her #hildren from their
home, only to de#ide that he #ouldn't 'tolerate' them anymore> but the
thoughts kept stealing into my mind, driing out the #alm I kept striing
to fill it with.
I wasn't sure what I had to do, or who I had to support. I felt sympathy
for 'nn and anger for *ad> but he was, after all, my father. ,en
legally, he was the one I would hae to #hoose, if 'nn wasn't een my
stepmother anymore. 0ut who would support 'nn if *ad deserted her,
what with her 'illness') !he twins were too young> Hadley was een
worse off. *idn't *ad see that)
"(hen I'm in the library, you stalk me there." ?a#h $ellar's oi#e,
la#ed with sardoni# amusement. "(hen I #ome to the park, you're
o##upying my pla#e. 9tarting to see a pattern here)"
"I got here first," I said defensiely, #rossing my arms oer my #hest.
"I #an see that." ?a#h's eyes took in the s#hool uniform I was still
wearing. He, of #ourse, had shed his and was in a #har#oal gray t-
shirt that hugged the #ontours of his well-proportioned upper torso,
and bla#k &eans that fit his long legs and 1 I assumed 1 his butt
perfe#tly. He wasn't wearing a &a#ket, een though the late--#tober
eening held a definite #hill. "Came here straight from s#hool in hopes
of #at#hing a glimpse of me, huh) (ell, now that you hae, you #an
leae."
I ignored him and ga2ed straight behind him, where a sleek bla#k
motor#y#le was resting on the ground. I had been so lost in my reerie
that I hadn't heard it #oming. "' bike," I said s#ornfully. "How #li#h@ of
you."
?a#h looked bored. "Can't afford a #ar."
!hat didn't make sense. "+ou #an afford to donate a new library to
+ale, but you #an't afford a #ar)"
"My parents #an afford to donate a new library to +ale." ?a#h sank into
the ben#h ne7t to me, rubbing his ne#k. I shifted uneasily, not wanting
to be in su#h #lose pro7imity to him. "# #an't afford a #ar. ' ni#e one,
anyway."
"9o get work," I said, rudely be#ause I'd kind of liked his answer.
He shrugged. "0ike's enough for me." He glan#ed at me, his dark-
eyed ga2e appraising. "(ant to go for a ride)"
My mouth fell open. I goggled at him. "46cuse me)"
"' ride." ?a#h nodded at the motor#y#le, enun#iating #arefully. "(ould
you like to get on that transport instrument and go for a ride with me)"
I gaped like a fish for a while, #ompletely thrown by his offer. "(hat 1
why 1 why would I)" I managed to gasp.
"0e#ause I'm asking you to." Casually, ?a#h lit a #iggarette and blew
smoke into my fa#e. "'nd as far as I know, I'm not asking rudely."
My mind went into oerdrie, but the ability to find words still eluded
me. "(-why)" I managed to stammer, at last.
?a#h shrugged again. "I'm bored. 'nd tired of hanging out with people
I know and like."
I ignored the insult and #onsidered. -kay, he was an asshole. 'nd
neer, in a million years, would I normally agree to go anywhere with
him. I was too #autious, too mistrustful, too 1 too boring.
(hat would /a#hael hae done) 9he would hae disregarded
eerything but the se7 appeal fa#tor and &umped spontaenously on the
ba#k of that bike faster than I #ould hae said, "0ut he #ould be a
rapist! +ou hae no idea what he wants and why!"
I was &ust so tired of being sane and sensible and predi#table and
#alm and leel-headed and mature. I was fifteen year's old, for fu#k's
sake. (hat was it that "athan's song had said) &here comes a time
in everyone's li,e1when all you can see are the years passing by1
and # have made up my mind that those days are gone1I was too
young to be liing in that time, and &ust this on#e, I needed to be
impulsie, a#t my age, and take a break from it.
I needed a break simply from being me.
I looked up at arrogant, impossibly hot ?a#h $ellar and said, "6ine."
It was a dark, windy night, and the road ?a#h was maneuring his bike
through was mostly deserted. I felt the pit of my stoma#h hum with
apprehensie e7#itement and my heart rate start to es#alate as we
#rashed through the bushes. I #ouldn't een worry about whether my
arms around ?a#h's waist were too tight, be#ause the wind stinging
my #heeks and whipping strands of hair out of my seere ponytail,
and the way what I was doing felt like a forbidden, out-of-body
e7perien#e, made me feel giddy.
I felt like I'd run away from home and was on my way to 4aris.
(e rode in silen#e for the better part of an hour> past houses at first,
and then past trees and shrubs and fields. 'nd then we were in
another town, one with tiny houses that had Christmas lights strung
around the roofs and a signboard that said, " 9nellwood, "ew =ersey."
?a#h skidded to a stop in front of a relatiely large stru#ture with the
dark-green door wide open and strains of loud musi# #oming from the
dimly-lit interior> at first I thought it was a house, but then I reali2ed it
was a bar. I hopped off the bike, my giddiness giing way to an7iety.
What was # doing) I didn't know ?a#h 1 and whateer little I knew, I
disliked and didn't trust 1 I didn't know my surroundings, and I didn't
know how to get ba#k home. (hat on earth had possessed me to
a##ept the ride) (hat was ?a#h's agenda, anyway) (hy would 1
?a#h turned on his heel and hurried inside, and I followed hurriedly,
be#ause being alone in unfamiliar surroundings made me nerous.
!he bar was a #rowded one, with a karaoke ma#hine 1 two boys in
baggy &eans were rapping -bie !ri#e up on one of the tables 1 and
pulsing neon blue lights. !he #ustomers were mostly middle-aged-
looking men, with a bun#h of kids who looked to be #ollege-age. ?a#h
made a beeline for the dark-haired bartender. 9he had on a siler
nose ring and bla#k eyeliner and deep red lipsti#k and a tight bla#k
dress. 9he was far, far se7ier than I #ould eer be.
"' 9#reaming -rgasm," ?a#h drawled, taking a seat in front of her.
!he bartender looked up, took in his gorgeousness, and flashed a
;ui#k, flirtatious smile. "Coming right up with my #ompliments."
I turned away, feeling lost and s#ared and a little lonely. 'gain, that
nerous feeling #ame ba#k 1 what was # doing here) ?a#h was
smirking at the bartender, ignoring me #ompletely. I wanted to kill
myself for the insanity that had led me into this position, and I also
wanted to kill him. -f #ourse, he was not responsible for me 1 I had
#ome of my own free will, like some idiot. (hat if people at home were
worrying about me) 9ure, I was the worrier, but 1
-kay. !hat was enough. I had #ome here to take a break from being
me, and that was e7a#tly what I was going to do.
Rachael, I thought again. (hat would my wild, spontaneous former
best friend hae done) 9he would either hae mar#hed up to one of
the #ute guys around the bartender and started a heay make-out
session, or she would hae &umped up on one of the tables for an
een heaier karaoke session. (ell, I didn't hae /a#hael's striking
looks or her striking oi#e, so it would be hard for me to do either 1
)on't overthink it, I thought, and #limbed up on one of the tables &ust
as the opening strains of 9hania !wain's "I'm $onna $et#ha $ood"
started up.
!he girl in the torn &eans and glittery golden halter-top who was
already per#hed there shot me a wel#oming grin and yelled, "8et's
go!" along with the words on the s#reen.
I fro2e on the table. -h, my $od. !here were a million pairs 1 I knew it
was &ust the eyes of a few of the middle-aged guys, but million was
what it seemed like 1 of leering eyes fi7ed ;uestioningly at me, at my
s#hoolgirl ensemble, at my ponytail, at my dirty sneakers. (ho the
,uck was I trying to fool) I didn't belong here. I #ouldn't be /a#hael. I
was too pasty, too shy> I #ouldn't sing to sae my life> I'd neer dan#ed
with anyone but Curtis 1 why #ouldn't I &ust hae gone to the library,
for fu#k's sake)
"*on't want you for the weekend," !he torn-&eans-wearing girl sang
out blithely ne7t to me. 9he wasn't a ery good singer, but she was
moing and dan#ing and laughing> she seemed to be en&oying being
at the #entre of attention. "*on't want you for the night!" (hy #ouldn't I
be someone like her) 9omeone who knew how to hae fun) "I'm only
inte-rested if I #an hae you for life!" 9he shimmied and turned to me
with a huge grin. "Come on!" she #alled en#ouragingly.
I wanted to faint. I wanted a bla#k hole to appear in the table and
swallow me up. I wanted to die. I didn't know what was worse 1 fa#ing
the millions of e7pe#tant eyes or knowing that I was making a
tremendous, huge, ginormous fool of myself. I knew that in a few
se#onds, I would &ump off and go hide somewhere be#ause I &ust
couldn't do this.
"I know I sound ser-rious," the girl ne7t to me sang. "'nd baby, I am!
+ou're a fine pie#e of real-estate, and I'm gon-na get me some la-and!
9o don't try to ru-un, honey! 8oe #an be fu-un! !here's no need to be
al-lone, when you find there's some-oone!"
?a#h, who was talking to the bartender, gesti#ulated and glan#ed
around as if to proe a point. His eyes landed on me, and his
eyebrows shot up until they were pra#ti#ally high enough to hit the
Milky (ay.
I took that as a #hallenge, and the giddy rush that had eneloped me
on his bike #oursed through my eins again.
I always made my worst, most impulsie mistakes when I de#ided to
respond to #hallenges.
I turned to the torn-&eans-wearing girl, feeling the blood drain from my
fa#e, and started moing.
"I'm gonna get#ha while I got#ha in sight, I'm gonna get#ha if it takes
all night, you #an bet by the time I say go, you'll neer say noAo," I
sang shakily. I took a deep breath and fi7ed my eyes on a spot in the
distan#e. # would not think about this. "I'm gonna get#ha it's a matter
of fa#t, I'm gonna get#ha don't you worry 'bout that%+ou #an bet your
bottom dollar in time, you're gonna be mi-ine%" I stood rigidly still,
refusing to moe een the slightest bit in #ase I en#ountered some of
the ga2es fi7ed on me, or the mo#king light that was sure to be in
?a#h's eyes. "=ust like I should, I'll get#ha good%"
"obody seemed to be booing or &eering, at least. Maybe nobody was
really wat#hing 1 maybe this was &ust to afford en&oyment to its
parti#ipants. 9till, I was breaking out in #old sweat, and my heart was
pounding at ten times its normal rate. I &ust wanted it to be oer so I
#ould go home without losing fa#e. "I'e already planned it%here's
how it's gonna be%" I took in some more deep breaths. "I'm gonna
loe you, and you're gonna fall in loe with me%"
"+eah!" !he girl threw her hands up in the air and rolled her knees.
9he grinned wide at me, swirling her arms around her upper body
unself#ons#iously. I felt patheti#ally grateful that she wasn't making
fun of me.
I grinned ba#k at her shakily, feeling my mus#les rela7 &ust a fra#tion
of an in#h. "9o don't try to run," we sang, her oi#e loud and #lear,
mine soft. !he sweat was pouring down my fa#e now, but a #luster of
kids at the ba#k, probably the girl's friends, were shooting thumbs-up
signs at both of us en#ouragingly, whi#h made me rela7 a whole in#h.
"8oe #an be fu-un," I sang, more loudly. Maybe this wasn't so bad
after all% "!here's no need to feel alone, when you find there's some-
one%"
"I'm gonna get#ha%" My karaoke partner started on the #horus again,
grabbing my arm and snapping her fingers. I mat#hed her hip
moements, feeling awkward, but when the #heering from the kids at
the ba#k in#reased, I took her other hand and pireoutted dorkily to the
#orner with more surety, feeling a sudden, into7i#ating burst of self-
#onfiden#e.
"I'm gonna get#ha it's a matter of fa-a#t," we shrieked together. "I'm
gonna get#ha don't you worry 'bout that! +ou #an bet your bottom
dollar in time, you're gonna be mi-ine%" !he girl &umped into the air
and ki#ked her denim slippers into a #luster of other girls, probably her
friends, and I rea#hed up and pulled my hair out of its ponytail,
imitating her and tossing the elasti# into the hands of one of the
middle-aged guys, shaking my hair around my shoulders. !he kids at
the ba#k applauded and #at#alled loudly, and one of them did a
#artwheel right there on the ground. I #heered, too, feeling more like I
belonged somewhere than I had in a long, long time. 'nd then, &ust
like that, I was laughing. "=ust like I should, I'll get#ha good!
!he torn-&eans-wearing girl shimmied, and I twisted my upper body
around and &umped, starting to see why, e7a#tly, this was supposed to
be fun. "I'm gonna get#ha, baby, I'm gonna kno#k on wo-od%I'm
gonna get#ha somehow, honey, I'm gonna make it good%" (e
grinned at ea#h other, a heady feeling of euphoria engulfing my entire
body. I was doing it! I was a#tually doing this! I was singing like a #row
and probably dan#ing like a fish, but who cared)
(e sang loudly through the rest of the song before we bent in tandem
and winked at the #rowd. "=ust like I should, I'll get#ha good!"
I turned around and wriggled my butt in the air before &umping off the
table, feeling more triumphant than I eer had before.
My karaoke partner's name, it turned out, was Cissy (ood. 9he was
seenteen years old, a high s#hool &unior, worked in the 9nellwood
9top-n-9hop, had a boyfriend #alled /yan who'd dared her to sing
today een though she was a terrible singer, and she wanted me to
meet all her friends. I a#;uies#ed, simply be#ause it was so ni#e to
meet people my age who didn't look down on me for liing in
/o#hester Cottage and who knew what it was like to work for things
they wanted. !hey were all e7tremely friendly, and I was too
e7hilarated by my time on the tables to be shy or withdrawn. I found
myself #hattering about bad #op dramas and 0rad 4itt with them as
freely and eagerly as though I'd known them all my life. It was so low-
key, being with people who didn't know my past or &udge me in the
least, that I managed to rela7 #ompletely.
I was laughing at Cissy's mimi#ry of her e##entri# 'rt tea#her when I
felt a presen#e at my elbow and turned around to see ?a#h $ellar
gesturing to me from the entran#e of the bar. !he message was #lear<
I either had to leae now or stay behind in 9nellwood and possibly
neer get to go ba#k.
I felt a sudden weird shyness. He was the first non-stranger who'd
seen me dan#ing on a table, and partly, at least, he was the reason I'd
done it.
"(ho's that)" Cissy's friend "adia said eagerly, smiling at ?a#h.
I felt myself shrink away and #ome ba#k to earth with a bump. !his
wasn't home, these weren't people I knew, and I had a life I needed to
go ba#k to. I stood up, feeling both relu#tant to leae and desperate to
do so before it be#ame too diffi#ult. "!hat's ?a#h. He's from 8inbury."
"+our boyfriend)" Cissy wanted to know, smiling maternally.
I snorted. "Hardly. He's an asshole."
"' hot one, though," "adia said longingly.
I bit my lip, not daring to retort too sharply. "!hanks for a great time,
guys."
"(ait." Cissy held out a pie#e of paper, smiling. "!his has my email
address. :eep in tou#h, okay)"
I took it, een though I knew we wouldn't really be keeping in tou#h>
we'd email on#e, maybe twi#e, and then lose interest and go ba#k to
the friends we saw eeryday. 9he was #ool, though. I liked her.
I headed outside to ?a#h's bike, whi#h he'd left near a stand by the
ba#k entra#e, hugging my bla2er #losely around me. "!here's
something wrong with the tyres," he said brus;uely, when I stopped in
front of him. "I know a guy here who #an fi7 it. It's a thirty-minute walk
to his pla#e."
I felt a little un#ertain again, but the euphoria still hadn't deserted me,
so I said with a re#kless shrug, "I like fresh air."
?a#h glan#ed at me as we started walking, then said thoughtfully, "+ou
were like a #ompletely different person in there."
"I know." !he energy still #oursing up and down my eins was making
me &ittery, so I boun#ed on the balls of my feet and let out a sudden
laugh. I knew my eyes were shining with e7#itement, and I didn't
bother about hiding it. "I felt like a different person," I added, for
absolutely no reason. "'nd that's what I wanted. !o be a different
person for a little while."
?a#h gae his bike a hard push as we wandered out of the brightly-lit
street and into one with more greenery and less houses. "'nd do you
'feel' like that often)" he said, a slight infle#tion in his tone making him
sound as though he was mo#king me.
He probably thought I was insane. (ell, who #ared) ""o," I said. "=ust
when things seem like they're out of #ontrol," I added, unable to stop
myself.
"Care to e7plain)" ?a#h said.
I shook my head guardedly. ""ot really."
"(hateer," ?a#h said. His la#k of interest de#ided me. 6or some
reason, I wanted to sho#k him 1 whi#h bewildered me> what did I #are
about his rea#tion) 1 and I also felt an urgent, ine7pli#able need to
e7plain myself to him. I #halked it up to the fa#t that the night air, the
whole e7perien#e of the ride, the karaoke, the darkness, and the last
forty-eight hours were wreaking hao# in my brain, making it
impossible to think #learly.
"My parents are getting dior#ed," I said, s;uarely, loudly, to #ome to
terms with the fa#t.
It didn't e7plain anything, but I felt relieed to hae gotten it out. *ad
would neer hae said it if he'd been in my position, and that made me
feel far, far better about the whole situation. I so, so did not want to be
like my father.
"Happens to millions of kids eeryday," ?a#h said.
He was insensitie, ta#tless, but I felt the urge to e7plain grow. "It's my
dad and my stepmom, a#tually."
"9o, what, you hate the idea of a se#ond dior#e)" It was so surreal
that I was haing this #onersation with -ach .ellar after haing
dan#ed in a bar.
"It's not 1 e7a#tly like that. My mother died when I was a kid." -n#e
again, I was feeling that giddy rush of #omplete #onfiden#e. I
ploughed on re#klessly, "'nn's the mother I remember. 0ut if this
dior#e happens, then I won't een hae her, and she'll be someone
totally unrelated to my family%"
"I see," ?a#h said ;uietly, doing something #ompletely une7pe#ted. He
stopped pushing the bike and lowered it onto the ground, then sat on
top of it.
"(hat're you doing)" I asked, feeling mildly fearful.
"!aking a break from pushing this thing," he responded, as if it was
#ompletely obious. I lowered myself onto the ground slowly, #areful
to sit far away from him. "(hy're they getting a dior#e)"
I shrugged, alarm bells ringing in my head at his interest. I'd told him
too mu#h already 1 I didn't want another show-and-tell fias#o in
Homeroom. "8ong story."
He looked at me, a hint of suppressed #uriosity in his eyes. "+ou don't
trust people a lot, do you)"
"8ook who's talking," I said lightly.
"Maybe I hae my reasons."
"Maybe I do, too."
He grinned mo#kingly. "(hat are they)"
"(hat's yours)" I said boldly.
"-h, you know. !he usual i#tim of the 4oor 8ittle /i#h :id syndrome.
+ou see people around you hiding eerything, you learn to do the
same." ?a#h spoke #arelessly, almost as if he was bored. I wasn't
sure whether to take him seriously. He got up, but he didn't moe to lift
up his bike or start walking, and I stood still, too, following his lead.
"!hat's ery ague," I said, the desire for a real #onersation now
firmly entren#hed in my brain.
"'u #ontraire. !hat is e7tremely spe#ifi#. +ou're &ust not per#eptie
enough to see it, probably."
'nd 1 ba#k to s;uare one. I rolled my eyes. "I disagree."
"I don't #are."
"+ou are such an asshole, ?a#h."
"+ou're starting to annoy me, too, kid."
"I hate the way you think the whole world should adore you een
though you're so rude and arrogant."
"I hate the way you think you know it all, een though you don't."
(e stood there, glaring at ea#h other, until he took a sudden step
forward, and instin#tiely, intuitiely, my heart leapt into my throat. His
dark-eyed ga2e was too intense, too glowing, for me to step ba#k or
turn around> and before I #ould say or do anything, his lips were on
mine. ' #ra#kle of ele#tri#ity shot through my entire body, all the way
down to my toes, thrilling and se7y and surprising all at the same time.
I stood motionless for at least half a minute before my brain sprang
into a#tion and I wren#hed myself away, struggling to breathe. "(-
what did you do that for)" I managed to #hoke out.
?a#h's oi#e was more ragged than usual, but his shrug was almost
infuriatingly #asual. "6elt like it."
"-h," I said, be#ause I was in#apable of saying anything else, and
then, swiftly, ?a#h bent down and kissed me again. !his time, I let
him. I didn't know why. Maybe it was be#ause I hadn't been kissed in a
really long time 1 I didn't #ount the one at "athan's be#ause it had
been so brief 1 and I was feeling lonely. Maybe it was be#ause I was
&ust going #ra2y. Maybe it was be#ause ?a#h's kissing abilities were
making it #ompletely impossible to think straight. Maybe it was
be#ause I still felt like someone else, a fun-loing girl who would let
guys kiss her &ust be#ause it felt good.
'nd it didn't 7ust feel good. It felt ,antastic/ ?a#h was an e7#ellent
kisser, intense and ery, ery sure of himself. -ne of his hands
snaked into my hair, #lut#hing my head tightly. !he other hand held my
right #heek in pla#e so he #ould moe his lips, sometimes slowly,
sometimes possessiely, against mine. He nibbled my upper lip gently,
sending shiers running down my spine, and then bit harder to make
me part my lips, letting his tongue slide subtly and smoothly into my
mouth as I let out a soft gasp. I pressed my mouth firmly against his,
su#king on his bottom lip, en&oying the way he tightened his fingers in
my hair and shuddered. He tasted fruity and tangy at the same time
from whateer #o#ktail he'd been downing, a #ombination that made
my knees weak. 's our tongues intertwined #ompletely, I let my eyes
flutter #losed and my arms float up to grasp his shoulders for#efully,
digging my nails into them, utterly lost in the moment. =ust be#ause I
wanted to. I really, really wanted to.
,7#ept that the girl who'd dan#ed on the table was fading away as the
minutes passed, and the old 9ummer (ard, the one I knew, was
#oming ba#k. 'nd the old 9ummer (ard was pani#king be#ause she
neer made out with guys she didn't like.
I pushed him away with all the will-power I #ould muster, my breath
#oming in short, irregular, errati# pants. My heart was thudding against
my #hest so hard that I was afraid it would rip its way out of my body.
"(e cAcan't," I gasped out, in#oherently.
I noted with some satisfa#tion that ?a#h's eyes were heay and half-
lidded, his breathing &ust as laboured as mine. "(hy not)"
"0-be#ause," I managed to say. "I don't like you that way, and you
don't like me either, and you're an asshole."
6or a few se#onds, there was silen#e. !hen ?a#h's eyes opened fully
and he looked down at me, a patroni2ing smirk on his fa#e. "=esus,
9ummer. It was &ust a kiss."
I felt as if I'd been slapped in the fa#e, and not &ust be#ause the '&ust a
kiss' had been the best kiss I'd eer had. I hadn't e7a#tly e7pe#ted him
to fall on his knees and de#lare his undying loe for me, but some
politeness would hae been something. !hen again, that would hae
been pretending that he hadn't been goerned by &ust his di#k for that
brief, agoni2ingly e7#iting fie minutes, and he had to know that I
would hae been able to see through that pretense%
-h, fu#k him.
I turned around and started walking ba#k to the lit-up road with the
bar. Fuck/ !im/
"(here do you think you're going)" !he annoyan#e was ba#k in his
oi#e.
"(hereer random &a#kasses aren't using me as a kissing surfa#e," I
shot ba#k.
"(hateer," ?a#h said #oolly, #almly, #arelessly. "=ust don't blame me
if you turn up gangraped tomorrow."
!his made me stop and turn around, but he was already melting into
the darkness with his bike. $od, what a bastard. I gritted my teeth and
#onsidered briefly, then de#ided that the lights were more appealing
than the dark road he was on 1 what if he took a turn I #ouldn't see,
#onsidering the fa#t that he was already well ahead, and I lost him,
and got lost in the woods) 't least I knew that the way to the karaoke
bar was straight ahead. I would get a ride home with Cissy, or
#onin#e her to let me #rash at her pla#e oernight.
It wasn't until I re-entered the bar, and found it deoid of Cissy and her
friends, that the possibility of her haing gone home already entered
my mind. I didn't know what was happening to me. I was losing my
head on a regular basis, mis#al#ulating, making stupid de#isions 1 I
was turning into someone else. Mu#h as I'd wanted a break from
being me, I didn't want the break to go on indefinitely.
I slumped against one of the bar stools and took out my #ell phone. It
was ten-thirty at night. *ad, 'nn, and Hadley were obiously out, as
were all the people in "ew +ork. I #ould hae #alled Mi#hael, but he
was still taking driing lessons, and I needed a ride home 1 soon.
=a22 didn't hae a #ar. !hat left%
=a22's plan.
I dialled swiftly, praying that he was alone and still awake. "Hello)" he
said, sounding ery, ery awake. =udging from the fa#t that eerything
was silent in the ba#kground, he was also probably alone. "9ummer)"
Hallelu&ah. "+ou know what) Maybe I do need help sometimes, and
right now, I really, really need help." I started off in a ramble be#ause I
was feeling nerous again. "Can you #ome pi#k me up) I'm stranded
at 9nellwood. !here's a karaoke bar 1" I s;uinted at the signboard on
the door. "It's #alled "eo, on Christmas /oad 1"
"I know where it is," he interrupted. "(hat are you doing there)"
"I started walking after s#hool be#ause I wanted some time alone.
,nded up here." It was a total lie, but he didn't probe, for on#e. I didn't
think he'd belieed me, but at least he wasn't pressing the point. I bit
my lip, wondering whether, at this #ru#ial moment, he would de#ide to
play one of his mind games. "9o #an you)"
"I'll be there in half an hour," "athan (ellington responded, hanging
up.



9. D#msel In Distress
"9o," "athan said, breaking a long ten minutes of a#utely
un#omfortable silen#e.
I tensed up, and then for#ibly rela7ed again, reminding myself that I
wasn't doing anything wrong 1 I was simply pretending to be going
along with his game. "(hat)"
"(e seem to be spending a lot of time in my #ar lately," he said, with a
mild look.
I bit my lip. I hated this part 1 groeling. 9impering and being grateful
to someone like him. !hen again, I wasn't sure I een knew how to
simper, so I said matter-of-fa#tly, "!hank you so mu#h for pi#king me
up. I really appre#iate it."
"Hey, knight in shining armor, that's something I always aspired to be,"
"athan said simply, un#ompli#atedly. !he #omment stung, espe#ially
be#ause of the #alm tone of oi#e. It was like he'd already a##epted
the fa#t that I needed him when I hadn't, when it wasn't een a fa#t.
"9orry," I said frostily. "I'm not your damsel in distress. Maybe you
should let me out here if that's what you think I am."
"'nd allow you to walk ba#k home) +ou wouldn't be able to make it to
s#hool tomorrow," "athan pointed out. He fli#ked a ;ui#k glan#e at
me. "-r are you planning to #ut again)"
"I didn't 1" I took a deep breath. !he fa#t that he'd noticed the first time
I'd #ut 1 it unsettled me. I remembered the time in seenth grade I'd
had a #old and a temperature of a hundred and two degrees, and
hadn't gone to s#hool. In the eening, Curtis, who I'd been dating for
four months then, had #alled and talked for three hours about his
basketball team. =ust before hanging up, he had asked me for our
,nglish homework 1 ,nglish was the only #lass we shared, sin#e he
was in the eighth grade. He hadn't een been aware of my absen#e.
"*on't you think it shows stalker-like tenden#ies that you know when
I'm not in s#hool)" I said to "athan, but the frost had disappeared
from my oi#e.
"Can't a friend look for a friend during lun#h)" !he retort was prompt.
"(e're not friends, remember)" I wagged a finger in front of his nose,
not #aring that he was driing on a dark road and there were trees and
bushes he #ould possibly drie into eerywhere. "(hy is it so hard to
keep tra#k) I'm not your friend, and I'm not your personal damsel in
distress."
""ah, you're &ust an I#e 5ueen," "athan said easily. He looked at me
appraisingly. "'lthough you'e been letting down your guard lately a
few times. 6irst yelling at me 1 I'm still waiting for an e7planation, by
the way 1 then #alling me when I least e7pe#t it%#an it be possible
that you're thawing towards me)"
"*on't #ount on it." I fiddled with my seatbelt. If only if I wasn't so
awkward, if only I #ould flirt with abandon and not #are about things
like whether it would be the right thing to do. 'nd if only Curtis #ould
see me now. !wo rides with two different guys in the spa#e of a few
hours%two #ompletely different rides. !he adrenaline, the s#enery,
and the area was the same for both, but eerything else was totally
different.
"urtis. I hadn't thought of him in the last four or fie hours. Maybe I
still #ouldn't flirt with wild abandon, but that had to mean I was
#hanging, at least a little.
(ell, if I was #hanging, then maybe I #ould be a little bolder and &ust
#ome right out and ask him. "(hy're you doing all this for me,
"athan)"
He half-smiled. "'ren't you kind of determined not to beliee me een
if I tell you)"
"-f #ourse I would beliee you," I lied. "If you told the truth."
"'nd how e7a#tly are you going to know whether I tell the truth or
not)"
I shrugged. "!he least you #an do is try."
"athan sighed and li#ked his lips, and I pulled my ga2e away from
him. He had an attra#tie mouth, sensuous and #onstantly twit#hing
into that grin of his, and that was why his smile was so%hot. "8ook, I'll
be honest with you. I don't like you like you. "ot yet. 0ut I think I #ould.
6or real."
I raised my eyebrows. "'nd all the other freshmen and new kids 1 you
don't think you could like them like them for real)"
"I haen't 1 you interest me, 9ummer. +ou intrigue me. *on't think I
haen't wondered why I see so mu#h possibility in this, okay)
0e#ause I hae." I tried resolutely not to feel flattered, but I #ouldn't
think of a word to say. I #on#entrated on staring him down instead.
"+ou're the most uni;ue person I'e met in a ery long time 1 you're
&ust different, okay) I neer know what's going on in your head. 'nd I
want to."
I swallowed. My throat suddenly felt dry. I didn't want to beliee him,
really I didn't%and yet I did want to.
"+ou're always so #old and so #losed-off 1 I'm not used to it. It makes
me want to know something about you. 'nd it's interesting that in spite
of being so #losed-off, you're so blunt. I haen't met anyone this
honest before, either. !his isn't about my pride anymore, you hae to
know that 1 I hae the feeling that if I get to know you, you'll be worth
knowing 1 and I'e always been a su#ker for #hallenges. +ou hae to
know that."
I wanted to &ump him, I really did. It was ;uite probable that he was
lying, but it was also possible that he was not 1 and if he was not, then
he was a guy in a million, the kind who a#tually spe#ulated about a
plain, uptight girl &ust be#ause she said some things that interested
him. In real life, guys like that didn't e7ist 1 if they did, I #ertainly didn't
know of them. 'nd he was honest, if he wasn't lying 1 he was daringly
honest.
"(hy should I beliee you)" I said thi#kly. 0ut I was grasping at
straws, and I knew it.
"athan ignored me again. "I also feel sorry for you."
I blinked, not sure whether to be outraged or taken aba#k at the fa#t
that this, this was honesty. "I'm not a #harity #ase. I don't need pity."
"I know you don't, and that's why I feel it. +ou're #learly struggling with
something 1 I don't know what, maybe it's &ust the obious stuff, like
/o7anne, and the moe. I want to know 1 I'm an in;uisitie pest, you
see. 'nd you're doing it on your own, whi#h makes me want to help
you. +ou #an't possibly blame me for that."
(hen I didn't say anything, he gae me a pleading look. "I'm not as
bad as you think, okay) +ou'e got to beliee that."
"(hy should I)" I said softly.
He shrugged. "+ou don't hae to. +ou don't een hae to trust me. +ou
#ould &ust let me in 1 yield an in#h, maybe) -r a #entimetre.
(hateer."
"(hy should I)" I repeated.
He gae me a lopsided smile. "How long do you think you #an go
through !hornton alone)"
"I hae friends," I said defensiely. "I hae your old friend Mary =ane
Cohen. I worked with her before /o7anne made it imperatie for me to
get our seri#es dismissed."
"'h, Mary =ane Cohen." He nodded, looking thoughtful. "I remember
her. 9he has a lot in #ommon with you, huh) (as new, got on
/o7anne's bad side, hates our guts 1"
"(ith good reason."
"athan's ga2e was troubled. "I didn't hae anything to do with what
happened to her," he said ;uietly.
I knew this was true, but I was starting to feel angry again,
remembering what had happened to =a22. "+ou #ould hae stopped
it."
"I didn't een know about it, 9ummer."
"Maybe not, but what about afterwards) +ou #ould hae 1 made
/o7anne take ba#k what she'd done. It would hae been the right
thing to do 1"
"I didn't #are about Mary =ane then! 2kay)" "athan e7ploded,
gripping the steering wheel tightly. "I regretted what had happened, I
felt bad 1 but I didn't #are about her and I was in loe with /o7anne.
2kay) /o7anne, my girl,riend.!hink about it. 9uppose some guy goes
to your s#hool and he and your pre#ious boyfriend ba#k there start
fighting, whose side are you going to be on) It's easy to utter right-
and-wrong platitudes now, but then, would you hae sided with the
new guy you didn't een know, or would you hae fu#ked right and
wrong and sided with your boyfriend) =ust tell me that!"
I shut my eyes and #on#entrated on breathing. He was right, wasn't
he) It would be hypo#riti#al of me to pretend he wasn't. ",7-
boyfriend." I opened my eyes. "I don't understand. (hy do you loe
her so mu#h) 'll of you. 9he's horrible." I felt kind of liberated, saying
that aloud.
"(e grew up together, 9ummer. (e hae a history. 0lood is thi#ker
than water, you know the saying. /o7anne and I 1 she was #loser to
me than any sister #ould hae been." He shook his head. "3ntil, you
know, se7 be#ame all we #ould think about. I knew her 1 I still do, I
think. I knew eery in#h of her, I #ould read her thoughts before she
thought them, I felt #omfortable with her, I didn't need to impress her, I
#ould #ut eery kind of bullshit I needed to use with other people. !he
idea of being with her seemed perfe#t, you know) 8ike in a moie, or
a book."
"I guess her looks didn't hurt either," I muttered wryly.
"(ell." "athan sighed. ""ot really. 0ut a#tually being with her) It
wasn't Buite so blissful. 0ut still, een after we broke up 1 it's &ust that
she knows us, too, all of us, she's so fier#ely prote#tie of us. 9he
may be a bit#h, but she uses it for our adantage, and she's so
goddamned loyal to us, we #an't hold it against her. ,eryone else is
dispensable, to her. 0ut us 1 we're the most important people in the
unierse."
(hat #ould I say to that) "(hy do you want to help me, then)" I said,
and it was a ery /o7annish thing to say.
"I told you. +ou're like this helpless dog #aught in a stream and you
#an't paddle ba#k, or forward."
"=esus." I looked at him, unable to help smiling. "!hanks a lot." I
looked away, shaking my head. "(hat about what I oerheard you
saying to /o7anne) 'm I not supposed to think of you as a bad guy
after that)"
He shifted in his seat. "I was &ust trying to get her to ba#k off. !hought
I #ould pretend to take the reenge #rap into my own hands, be#ause
then maybe she'd simmer down a bit. !hat's all, I swear."
Could I risk belieing him) Could I not)
"'nd yes, I was intrigued by the fa#t that you were a#ting like I was a
nobody. I wanted an e7#use to #he#k you out without /o7anne
de#iding to murder you."
I didn't look away from him.
"!hat didn't e7a#tly work, either," he said ruefully.
I wanted to ask him why he was so weak where /o7anne was
#on#erned. I wanted to ask him why he'd needed an e7#use. I wanted
to ask him why he #ouldn't &ust tell his friends to ba#k off when he
didn't like things they did. 0ut I didn't, be#ause%well, be#ause, I was
starting to beliee him, and if he was telling the truth, then he was%
' decent guy.
(hi#h was not who I wanted him to be. I wanted him to be arrogant,
thi#k-headed, #ruel%be#ause if he was de#ent, then that, #oupled
with the way he looked, would ineitably spell ruin for me if I got into
=a22's plan.
"athan stopped in front of my house fifteen minutes later. !he lights
were out, and I felt an a#tual physi#al repulsion to the thought of
haing to go in, go to bed, wake up in the morning and go on being
myself. 9till, I for#ed myself to #limb out of the #ar, and I for#ed myself
to smile as I thanked him.
"(ait." His oi#e stopped me in my tra#ks as I moed towards the
front door. I turned to look at him, and he was peering at me, looking
#onfused and troubled again. "*o you beliee me, or not)"
(hat I didn't beliee was that I was in this situation. !hat a guy like
"athan was a#tually pursuing me, that he #ared about what I thought
of him, that he seemed to want and need assuran#e from me%it was
truly in#redible.
I #leared my throat. "I do," I said, een though I wasn't sure.
He raised his eyebrows. "'nd what does that mean) !hat you trust
me)"
"I don't know," I said. "I think 1 I think I #ould be friends with you." His
eyebrows went up another fra#tion of an in#h, and I said hastily, "I
mean, if you want. Friends, that's all."
"I do want that," he said, his eyebrows still raised ;ui2i#ally.
"'nd," I went on, wishing I wasn't su#h an awkward geek, "it's not like
I'm going to be your best friend and share se#rets and C*s with you."
"I wouldn't dream of that," "athan said graely.
I felt my fa#e lapse into a smile. Rela6, I told myself sternly. "!rust me,
you wouldn't want my C*s. I listen to 0eethoen."
"9o does my mom," "athan #ra#ked, grinning.
"My mom's dead," I said, and then opened the door and walked right
in, leaing his grin to #rumble.
Maybe, I thought, there was a part of me that en&oyed these games,
en&oyed sparring erbally with "athan (ellington, en&oyed%
8eaing him stumped and silent for on#e.
I gritted my teeth, determined not to gie in to the oerwhelming
impulse to yawn, een though I felt like there was enough steel on my
eyelids to #onstru#t another ,iffel tower and enough fog in my brain
for traffi# a##idents to o##ur in it. !his business of staying awake
pra#ti#ally eery night, doing insane things I would neer normally do
and worrying about things beyond my #ontrol, was taking its toll on
me, up to the point where I #ould barely stay awake een in ,nglish,
my faourite #lass.
!he only thing keeping my nose out of my desk was the fa#t that it
was 6riday, and after s#hool, I #ould go home and sleep for si7 hours
non-stop.
"9ome #yni#al 6ren#hman has said that there are two parties to a loe
transa#tion < the one who loes and the other who #ondes#ends to be
so treated," Ms 0lake read aloud from her tattered #opy of 5anity Fair.
9he looked up at the #lass, s#anning us with her blue eyes, whi#h had
been hopeful and inno#ent at the beginning of the s#hool year but now
looked slightly steelier. "'nyone who not only knows what that means,
but has an opinion on it)"
"(hy, Ms 0lake, are you implying that we're stupid)" a senior on the
football team, =ake Hollis, sniggered softly in the #orner in an affe#ted
0ritish a##ent. =ake rumoredly needed .iagra to get it on, but that
didn't stop him from trying to flirt with eery freshman, new kid, and
tea#her in "ew =ersey. (ell, e7#ept for me, of #ourse 1 /o7anne had
seen to that.
"ot that I #ared.
Ms 0lake looked #oldly at him. "Care to share that 1"
"'#tually, Hollis," a low oi#e drawled disdainfully from somewhere
behind me, "she's implying that you're stupid. (hi#h you are, so I'm
surprised you figured it out."
"Hey, man," =ake protested, but he sank into his seat, looking #owed.
?a#h $ellar might not be the 0ig Man -n Campus the way "athan
was, but it was an undisputed fa#t that eeryone in s#hool was a little
afraid of him, his temper, the way he &ust didn't seem to care. 'lthough
that didn't stop girls from #oming on to him 1
I felt my #heeks warm, the flush spreading deeper and deeper around
my body, the last tra#es of sleepiness anishing from my eyes. I'd
spent the half of last night that hadn't been e7hausted obsessing oer
my agreement with "athan and 'nn and *ad's impending dior#e
rehashing the eents of the eening 1 the impromptu table-dan#e, the
#onersation with ?a#h that I'd a#tually en&oyed, the surprising kiss,
and then finally the way he'd blown off all its impli#ations with a single
senten#e. I'd lain in my bed, feeling simultaneously hot and #old as I
remembered the details of the kiss, that gut-wren#hing, furious kiss 1
his lips firmly entren#hed on mine, his hands holding possessiely on
to my body 1 until I'd wanted to s#ream and throw things and then
break into his house for more. !hat impulse had de#ided me 1 talking
about that hookup, een thinking about it, was a bad idea.
'nd yet how #ould I not think about it, when ?a#h $ellar was &ust a
few feet away from me, the growl of his oi#e #utting into other people
the way his hands had dug into my skin when%
2kay. Clearly I needed to #on#entrate on something else. (illing the
#olour to fade away from my #heeks, I raised my hand.
(hi#h would hae been a wise moe if ?a#h hadn't done the same at
the e7a#t same moment.
"+es, 9ummer, ?a#h, as e7pe#ted." Ms 0lake shook her head. "*oes
anybody else get anything at all out of #oming to this #lass)"
"+es, of #ourse, Ms 0lake," breathed 'mber Magdalene, while =oseph
9harpe, ne7t to her, let out a little snore.
Ms 0lake fli#ked them a dry glan#e. "I see. (ell, 9ummer, ?a#h, let's
#ontinue this three-member dis#ussion we seem to be haing eery
#lass. *o either of you 1 anyone else, feel free to &ump in if you're not
asleep 1 agree with what !ha#keray wrote)"
0y then, my body was aflame again, and not &ust be#ause I #ould feel
?a#h's eyes boring into the ba#k of my head. I #losed my eyes, trying
to tear my thoughts away from him, to #alm down 1 and then I thought
of Curtis. Immediately, I felt the &ump-a#ross-the-#lassroom-and-
atta#k-him feeling subside. "urtis. He'd been so ready to gie up on
us, so mu#h earlier than I'd been. I'd loed him, I'd een hae gone up
to "ew +ork and tried to #onin#e him to stay with me for a while more
if I'd been able to, I was pretty sure. I bit my lip and nodded at my
,nglish tea#her. "I think so. -ne person always wants more from a
relationship than the other."
"-kay, 9ummer. (hat about you, ?a#h) (hat do you think)"
I for#ed myself not to turn around and flip him off &ust so I wouldn't
hae to think about his tongue in my mouth.
"I agree with the essen#e of the statement," ?a#h drawled. I #ould
imagine him shrugging, playing with stuff on his desk. "0ut I think it
needs to be phrased differently. -ne who believes that he or she loes
and one who lets the other person beliee it."
!his statement angered me enough to turn around and narrow my
eyes at him. "9o what you're saying is, loe doesn't e7ist."
?a#h wriggled his eyebrows #ondes#endingly. Ignoring the onslaught
of heat to my fa#e, I stared him down, wishing he would &ust disappear
so I wouldn't hae to fa#e this thing I seemed to hae for his lips. (hy
had it been so mu#h easier to think #learly last night) I hadn't spared
him a thought when I was with "athan. (hy was his presen#e so 1 so
oerwhelming)
"+eah," ?a#h said slowly, his eyes meeting mine steadily. "!hat's
e7a#tly what I'm saying. 8oe is &ust an illusion."
"=ust like a kiss is &ust a kiss)" !he words spilled out of my mouth
before I #ould pull them ba#k into the innermost re#esses of my mind.
-n#e again, I #ould feel my fa#e turn the #olour of blood.
?a#h flipped an eraser in the air and #aught it deftly, not een
bothering to look at me. ",7a#tly."
"Interesting as that e7#hange was 1 " Ms 0lake started.
"9o, what, the people throughout history who sa#rifi#ed eerything for
loe, they were doing it for nothing)" !his was starting to hold a sort of
si#k fas#ination for me.
"!hey're doing it be#ause they're infatuated, whi#h is &ust another
word for lust." !here was a definite duh in ?a#h's oi#e. "-erly
#iili2ed human beings #ooked up the idea of loe to e7#use their
primitie impulses to breed and their need for se7."
I would neer, eer hae said the word se6 in front of a tea#her. 't that
point, being on fire wouldn't hae #hanged my body temperature
mu#h.
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I wasn't going to lose this
battle. I #ouldn't bring myself to, een though it would undoubtedly
bring relief if I &ust #on#eded the point. "!hat little &aded spee#h &ust
smacks of sour grapes," I said #almly, leaning ba#k against my desk
and folding my arms a#ross my #hest.
?a#h's fa#e darkened almost imper#eptibly. "(hat)"
I held up my hands in a ba#k-off gesture. "+ou heard me."
?a#h's e7pression returned to its #ustomary bland boredom. "6irstly,
you hae no right to &udge me or what prompts my #yni#ism.
9e#ondly, the last time I #he#ked, you weren't e7a#tly going around
singing praises of eerlasting, all-en#ompassing loe yourself."
"!he last time # #he#ked, you didn't know shit about me 1"
",nough!" Ms 0lake said, loudly.
I su#ked in a surprised breath. I'd pra#ti#ally forgotten she was there. I
turned to fa#e her, my stoma#h sinking as I took in how in#ensed she
looked. "ot to mention the way the way the entire #lass seemed to be
gaping at me.
?a#h, to my annoyan#e, didn't look the slightest bit dis#omposed.
"!his #lass isn't a forum for your personal disagreements and insults,
do I make myself #lear)" Ms 0lake's oi#e was #older than it had been
when she'd addressed =ake. "If you hae so mu#h to say on the
sub&e#t of loe, kindly submit a &oint essay on Monday with iews you
agree on. 3nderstand) ' 7oint essay. -n whi#h you will work,
together. Hopefully you don't hae plans with anyone else for the
weekend."
"'#tually, $ichelle 1 " ?a#h said la2ily, his fa#e emotionless, as if he
wasn't feeling a spe#k of the mi7ture of stupefa#tion, repulsion, utter
horror, and a#ute misery that I was. Misery be#ause that meant I
wouldn't be #at#hing up on my sleep, the rest of it be#ause of the idea
of working with him.
"0ut, Ms 0lake 1" I blurted at the same time, sounding as apalled as I
felt.
"'nd if you do," she went on loudly, #utting us off, "!hat's too bad,
unless you want a 2ero for the semester."
I subsided 1 my s#holarship demanded that I get either 's or 0s in
eery sub&e#t 1 and gae ?a#h my best death glare of pure hatred. !o
my surprise, he abandoned the emotionless look and returned it, with
interest. $reat.
=ust ,ucking great.
I spent the rest of the day hiding in the library between #lasses,
reading. /o7anne was in 0oston, of #ourse, but "athan wasn't, and
until I figured out how to flirt properly, I wasn't ;uite e;uipped to deal
with him.
?a#h and I had e7#hanged a few #urt words right after ,nglish,
de#iding to meet in the park on 9aturday morning 1 apparently, +ale
appli#ants #ouldn't afford to flunk #lasses any more than s#holarship
students #ould. (e'd managed to aoid sparring about anything
personal, a mira#ulous feat in itself, and I'd managed not to blush at
all. I was determined not to bring up the kiss eer again 1 I wasn't
going to gie him the satisfa#tion of knowing he'd gotten to me. I
wasn't een going to think about it, unless he mentioned it, and if he
did, well, I would pun#h in his smug fa#e.
I would fo#us on the important things instead 1 whi#h, besides =a22's
plan and my grades, inoled earning money. In other words, my
babysitting gig at seen that eening.
'##ordingly, I trudged down to AE 'usten 8ane at si7-fifty. 'usten 8ane
was, unsurprisingly, a blo#k of pristine white mansions separated from
ea#h other by seeral s;uare kilometres of rolling green lawns and
gleaming swimming pools, and separated from the road by towering
iron gates and sweeping drieways. House "umber AE was at the end
of the blo#k, and by far the biggest, with an enormous white marble
fountain of .enus surrounded by rosebushes in the #enter of the tidily
trimmed grassland flanking the front of the house, whi#h almost
rialled "athan's digs.
' se#urity guard let me in through the gates after I showed him my
!hornton I*, and I walked up to the front door, feeling nerous. I'd
gotten more a##ustomed to lu7ury and grandeur in the past few days,
but an estate of this si2e and s#ale still made me apprehensie. I
kno#ked, and stepped ba#k, taking deep breaths to #alm down a little.
It didn't e7a#tly help when ?a#h $ellar opened the door.
My first rea#tion was to think, # should have known.
My se#ond rea#tion was to yell, "(hat the fu#k are you doing here)"
He blinked down at me, his e7pression almost surprised. "I #ould ask
the same of you." !hen the surprise disappeared, to be repla#ed by
that #yni#al smugness I hated. "Haen't we dis#ussed this stalker
thing already) It's getting kind of old."
I would not think about his hands gra2ing my 1 I would not. "*o you
have to keep popping up and ruining my life eerywhere I go)"
"8ook who's talking," he #hortled. He rolled his eyes. "!ake the
melodrama down a not#h 1 I happen to lie here."
"+ou what)" (hy was I not surprised) I swallowed, hoping that I'd
gotten the wrong house, that I wasn't really going to babysit 1
someone ?a#h $ellar knew. (hy #ouldn't fate &ust gie me a break)
"I lie here," ?a#h repeated, looking bored. "(hi#h means you're the
intruder."
"I 1 I'm here to babysit," I said faintly. !his was possibly one of the
most humiliating moments in my entire life. !he fa#t that I was
admitting to ?a#h $ellar that I needed to babysit 1 that I, essentially,
needed the money 1 made me want to get su#ked into the sky. (here
were aliens when I needed them)
?a#h stepped ba#k, his eyebrows shooting up. "You're the
babysitter)"
-kay. 9o I hadn't gotten the wrong house after all.
8ike that was a relief. "o, it was a death blow.
I got a hold on my si#k, helpless feeling. "(hat do you mean, the
babysitter)" I demanded irritably, be#ause irritable was better than
weak. ' horrifying thought o##urred to me. (hat if I needed to babysit
?a#h) "o, Mi#hael had said my #harge's name was !alia, hadn't he) I
would surely hae noti#ed if he'd said ?a#h. (hi#h made !alia 1
what) His little sister) !he fa#t that ?a#h possibly had a little sister
was%well, interesting.
"!hat means I didn't e7pe#t to put up with you today as well as
tomorrow," ?a#h muttered. He looked at me appraisingly. "I was
e7pe#ting some se7y blonde in a bikini, like the girl before. "ot you."
He #ertainly hadn't minded my #onseratie #lothes and brown hair
last night 1 but I wouldn't think of that, I wouldn't feel insulted or,
worse, hurt. I was tempted to &ust turn around and walk ba#k home,
but I &ust #ouldn't 1 the Champagne $ang had already for#ed one &ob
away from me. I #ouldn't gie up this money-making oppurtunity, too.
9eenteen dollars an hour was seenteen dollars an hour, een if it
meant putting up with ?a#h $ellar's barbed-wire #omments.
"I want to talk to /osemary, please," I said primly.
"(hat, did $ommy dearest hire you to torture me further)" ?a#h's
tone was mo#king.
My worst fears #onfirmed. I made myself look him in the eye. ""ot
eerything people do is about you, you know."
(e stood there for a few se#onds, staring steadily at ea#h other, and I
felt almost like myself again 1 like the person in the #afetaria, in the
library, who'd won little battles with him and en&oyed it. He broke our
mutual stare session first. "(hateer," he said, and his oi#e was
surly, almost sulky.
.i#tory.
"(hateer," I e#hoed #almly.
"?a#h, honey, is that the babysitter)" a breathless female oi#e
demanded from inside.
?a#h nudged one of the heay oakwood double doors aside with his
waist, swinging it fully open. ",n&oy," he said derisiely, tilting his head
in the dire#tion of the oi#e. !hen he disappeared indoors.
I stepped inside #autiously. !he foyer was as e7pensiely de#orated
as I'd e7pe#ted, pri#eless paintings adorning the spotless white walls.
' slim woman who looked to be in her late thirties, with dark brown
hair in a seere #hin-length #ut, gold earrings studding her ears, and a
#ream-#oloured #oloured #ardigan wrapped around her fit upper torso,
stood by the polished-wood stair#ase leading down to the #aernous,
dimly-lit liing room. 9he e7tended a perfe#tly-mani#ured hand as I
approa#hed and smiled a smile that was almost real.
"Hello, dear," she said in the #lear-#ut a##ent I'd #ome to e7pe#t from
8inbury residents. "I'm /osemary $ellar."
(hy the hell hadn't she mentioned her last name when she'd asked
for my seri#es) "9ummer (ard," I said, shaking her #old fingers with
as mu#h warmth as I #ould muster in the #old, magnifi#ent
atmosphere.
"I'm so relieved you're helping us out," /osemary gushed. 9he didn't
look old enough to be ?a#h's mother. "My husband 0arry has these
,antastic ti#kets to this ,antastic opera #on#ert, and we'll be gone till
midnight 1 do you think you #ould possibly stay till then)"
"3m," I said, surreptitiously wiping my hands on my skirt 1 I hadn't
bothered to #hange out of my uniform. !hese days, I rarely did. "9ure.
"o problem."
9he took a step ba#k, seeming to noti#e my uniform for the first time.
"-h! +ou go to !hornton)"
"+es," I said, feeling guilty for leaing out the ma'am she seemed to be
e7pe#ting.
Her smile widened. "!hat's wonder,ul! *o you know my son, ?a#h)
He goes there, too!" !his was deliered in a tone normal people might
hae adopted to say something like, "0etty &ust #limbed Mount
,erest, #an you believe it)"
"3m," I stalled, be#ause I #ouldn't possibly say %ctually, we made out
last night and it was incredible, which is 7ust so weird because he's
such a rude asshole to me when his mouth isn't swallowing mine.
?a#h's dark head popped up from a elet-draped #ou#h in the #orner,
startling me a little. "'#tually, Mom," he said slowly, "we're best
friends."
"(hy, that's su#h a ,antastic #oin#iden#e!" /osemary pra#ti#ally
shouted, obliious to the biting sar#asm in her son's tone. "9ummer,
dear, that's &ust wonderful. +ou should &oin us for dinner 1 you haen't
eaten yet, hae you)"
?a#h looked suddenly alarmed. "Mom, that's 1 "
""o, but Mrs $ellar, that's really 1" I felt &ust as alarmed. "ot only did I
not want to share a meal with -ach .ellar's family, but I also was sure
I wouldn't know how to use the silerware in a pla#e as opulent as
this.
""onsense, dear, of #ourse you must, you're -ach's ,riend," /osemary
beamed, and I felt a fli#ker of resentment towards her. (hen I was
&ust her kid's babysitter, I wasn't een worth a real smile, but when I
turned out to be a !hornton student and her son's 'best friend', she
wanted to in#orporate me into the bosom of her family) 'nd how
#ould this woman be so #ompletely ignorant of what her son wanted)
,en my dad wasn't that #lueless.
"/eally, Mrs $ellar," I said, a little more loudly than before. "I'll be fine
1"
""ot a single word more!" /osemary said happily. "?a#h, darling, bring
her to the dining room, will you) I hae to go see if 9ally's messed up
the ribs again. +ou #an meet !alia at dinner, 9ummer dear 1 oh, and
#all me /osemary!"
9he wal2ted out, leaing me standing there, staring at ?a#h's head.
"3m," I said, to ?a#h's head. "9orry about that."
He turned to look at me, his fa#e filled with enom and something else
I #ouldn't really understand. "If you dare gloat about this, I will throw
you in the rier, okay)"
I hadn't been planning to gloat 1 I'd almost been feeling sorry for him,
and for myself 1 but now, taken aba#k, I allowed myself a spiteful
smirk. "!his is what #omes of lying to your mother."
?a#h s#offed frustratedly and turned ba#k around, slumping lower into
the #ou#h. !he gesture unhinged me. (hat was I doing) (hy was I
being so goddamned immature)
"?a#h," I said softly, and swallowed. I'd always prided myself on my
maturity, too, on taking things in my stride and moing on 1 about time
I showed some around him. "I didn't mean that. I really am sorry."
"(hateer," ?a#h said, and slumped lower into the #ou#h.
I sighed. 9o mu#h for maturity.
!he $ellars' dining room was humongous, and it had all the works>
there was a huge gilt-framed portrait of an old-looking guy with a white
mousta#he in a dark suit, head tilted aristo#rati#ally, glaring out of the
#anas, at the head of the long mahogany dining table> the
#enterpie#e #onsisted of beautifully-arranged yellow roses and
enormous, gleaming siler #andelabras> the #hairs anti;ue, made of
#ho#olate-brown wood, draped in elet like the #ou#h in the liing
room. More than the splendor, though, it was the sparkling array of
silerware in front of ea#h #hair that made me stop in my tra#ks and
gulp in fear.
I so didn't want to make a fool of myself in front of these people.
Mrs $ellar and ?a#h's father were already seated. I was relieed to
see that he, at least, looked normal> he was wearing an e7pensie-
looking suit and didn't een bother glan#ing at me, but he didn't look
all that mu#h older than his wife and he greeted ?a#h with a brief
smile.
?a#h threw himself into the #hair ne7t to his father and pushed all the
forks and spoons and knies around his plate away from him. "'ren't
we haing a normal meal, Mother)" he demanded irritably. "*o we
need all this elaborate bullshit eery time we eat) Can't we &ust eat in
front of the !., like normal people)"
"?a#h, dear," Mrs $ellar hushed him, #asting me a sidelong glan#e.
"4lease, sit down, 9ummer."
"+ou know, for on#e he's making sense," Mr $ellar snapped. "I wish
you wouldn't go to all this length for a meal 1 we #ould &ust hae eaten
somewhere before the opera."
/osemary's eer-present smile anished. "0ut, dear 1" she said softly.
?a#h pointed a fork at me 1 I wasn't sure whi#h #ourse you were
supposed to use it for. "(hat do you wat#h when you eat)" he said,
his tone dangerously light. I wondered if the whole 'normal people'
#harade had been for my benefit 1 I had a feeling that ?a#h liked
haing me in his house, intera#ting with his family, about as mu#h as
I'd hae liked him in mine.
I stared ba#k. "'#tually, we don't eat in front of the !., either," I said,
&ust as lightly. I didn't bother mentioning where we did eat 1 whi#h
would be his #ramped offi#e at the hospital for *ad, their bedrooms for
Hadley and 'nn, the kit#hen table Fnot a dining table 1 we didn't hae
a dining roomG for Mi#hael, s#hool for ,ri# and ,ri#a, and my room for
me after I'd gotten fired from 0ig Happy 6amily.
?a#h looked away, and I looked at the last member of the $ellar
family, slumped at the other end of the table with a napkin tied around
her ne#k. ?a#h's little sister looked to be about eight years old. 9he
was #ute 1 she had the same dark hair, dark eyes, and #hiseled
features as her brother, but unlike him, the e7pression on her fa#e
was angeli#, her smile inno#ent.
(hi#h freaked me out, be#ause it made her look like /o7anne
Cartwright did around a horde of boys she wanted to impress.
"Hi," I said tentatiely.
!he girl 1 !alia, Mi#hael had said 1 looked at Mrs $ellar. "Is this my
babysitter, Mommy)"
"+ep," ?a#h said, and on#e again, his oi#e was mo#king. "8u#ky
you."
+e mature, I reminded myself.
"+es, dear," Mrs $ellar said enthusiasti#ally.
!alia wrinkled her nose slightly. "I don't like her."
"!oney," Mrs $ellar said, sounding appalled.
"I don't. 9he isn't as pretty as 9tephanie was. How is someone who
looks like that supposed to be my role model)" 9he preened isibly. "I
mean, am # supposed to tea#h her stuff) 8ike how to use mas#ara)
0e#ause she looks like she needs it, but I don't hae time. I still hae
to read the maga2ines /o7anne gae me."
I wanted to sink through the floor. I didn't dare to look at ?a#h, or
anyone else at the table, for fear of meeting any sardoni# 1 or worse,
pitying 1 looks. Maybe I could deal with ?a#h's barbed-wire
#omments, but #ould I deal with ?a#h's sister being a bratty,
appearan#e-obsessed, bitchy little kid)
"!alia," Mrs $ellar said, warningly. I #ould feel her eyes on me, and I
kept mine steadfastly on the floor.
""o, Mommy, seriously. (hy #ouldn't I play with /o7anne) /o7anne's
beautiful, she looks like a little prin#ess!" !he kid's oi#e was
des#ending into a whine. "9he looks like she wants me to play outside
or something 1 I hate playing outside! /o7anne promised to gie me a
makeoer, Mommy 1 I don't want to give a makeoer, I want one."
,en from 0oston, /o7anne was ruining my &ob opportunities.
"(hy did you ask her to dinner) 're you dating her, ?a#h)" !alia
demanded.
!he way I saw it, I had two options < grab my stuff, pun#h the kid and
her brother in the fa#e, and run. -r stay. 9omehow figure out a way
into this girl's affe#tions. ,arn those eighty-fie dollars. !he eighty-fie
dollars I needed.
"!alia!" Mrs $ellar erupted. "$o to your room!"
"Mrs $ellar," I said softly, without thinking.
9he gae me a genuinely embarrassed look. Maybe she wasn't ;uite
as bad as I'd thought originally, after all. "*ear, I'm so sorry 1 if you
don't want to 1"
""o, it's fine," I said, reali2ing that I was #hoosing the money, #hoosing
it oer my pride and my urge to bash up !alia's pretty, smug little fa#e.
'nd reali2ing that I was a#tually proud of myself for it. "Hey," I said to
!alia. "I promise I won't make you play outside. How about you gie
me a #han#e)"
I was a#tually proud of myself for groeling to this brat. How low had I
sunk)
'nd then I remembered 1 my stepsister, ,ri#a, was about as
obsessed with fashion as this kid seemed to be. It was also ,ri#a's
birthday ne7t week, and I'd figured she needed something good to
make up for the horrible way this year was turning out, so I'd stopped
by the M'C #ounter downtown this afternoon after s#hool and pi#ked
up one of those new look-like-0arbie makeup sets ,ri#a had been
wanting for a while. It had been e7pensie, but I'd figured, I had a new
&ob in the eening, I'd make some money, it'd be worth it.
Hoping and praying that it was still in my ba#kpa#k, I stooped and
opened the front po#ket. +es, there it was 1 thank $od. "!alia," I said.
"Come oer here. !here's something I want to gie you." I wasn't sure
if it was #orre#t proto#ol to be#kon someone oer in the middle of a
meal, I wasn't sure if it was inappropriate to gie gifts to your
employers, but I didn't really #are. I lifted the set out of my bag and
handed it to her, hoping and praying that she didn't hae it already.
=udging from her s;ueal a se#ond later, she didn't.
"(ow!" she shrieked. I almost flung my hands to my ears at the high-
pit#hed sound. "!his is awesome! Mommy wouldn't buy it for me, but
now I hae it 1 thank you! -h my $od, don't you &ust love 0arbie)
9he's so thin! ,en thinner than I am!"
I smiled #almly. "+ou're wel#ome. 9o do I get to play with you now)"
"9ure!" 9he was beaming 1 I'd won her oer. 9o why didn't I feel
happier) (as it be#ause now I'd hae to buy something else for
,ri#a) (as it be#ause I'd disregarded right and wrong and a#tually
bribed a kid into liking me) (as it be#ause of the things she'd said,
be#ause of how tired I felt)
(ho #ared) I shouldn't hae to oerthink eerything 1 maybe I should
&ust en&oy my small i#tories when and where I #ould get them.
(hile Mrs $ellar fussed oer my present and Mr $ellar went on
eating like his daughter wasn't the rudest kid I'd eer met, I looked at
?a#h. He wasn't smirking, or een looking triumphant 1 he was &ust
looking at me with those dark eyes, looking%well%weird.
!alia tugged my arm eagerly. "'fter dinner, do you want to see my
new bikini) It's so pretty, and it's pink 1 do you like pink) Maybe we
#an figure out something for you to wear, too, so you #an buy
something and look ni#e when you #ome here again."
"9ure," I said dully. 9o. 'n eight-year-old had de#ided I was a #harity
#ase and needed a makeoer. My life was getting better and better.
(hy was it that I #ould yell and s#ream and rage at her brother, but I
#ouldn't een stand up for myself before her)
"!alia, sit down and eat," said Mr $ellar sternly, without taking his eyes
off his food. Maybe, I thought, he wasn't so bad after all, either.
"9o, dear," Mrs $ellar said brightly. "(hat do you plan to do after you
graduate)"
I shrugged, suddenly feeling hyperaware of ?a#h's weird look. "3m, I
was thinking, like, being a &ournalist. 0ut I 1 um 1" "eer too good with
the spotlight, I felt #ompletely un#omfortable answering this parti#ular
;uestion, and tossed it ba#k. "3h 1 what about ?a#h)"
!he weird e7pression faded away to a murderous one. -ops.
3nknowingly, I'd said something wrong.
"-f #ourse he's going to be a lawyer," Mrs $ellar said fondly. "He's
always wanted to be one. 'nd speaking of whi#h, honey, your *addy
spoke to his friend at +ale 8aw 9#hool and he's absolutely sure you
#an get in! =ust imagine, you'll hae a whole dynasty to look after 1"
"Maybe I'd rather be a do#tor," ?a#h interrupted, loudly.
Mr and Mrs $ellar e7#hanged looks. !hen Mrs $ellar said, without
missing a beat, "(hy, honey, that's fantasti#! (hy didn't you tell me
that before) !he medi#al s#hool at Harard is so mu#h better than at
+ale 1 but, of #ourse, *addy went to +ale for undergrad, so you #ould
go there and then to Harard 1"
""o, you know what)" ?a#h said, raising his oi#e another not#h. He
and his mom seemed to be engaged in the staring mat#h # was used
to trying to win with him. !alia looked up, startled by the loud olume,
then rolled her eyes and went ba#k to pi#king at her food 1 I wouldn't
be surprised to find that she had some kind of eating disorder, and I
wouldn't be surprised to find that this was a #onersation she was
used to. "I #hanged my mind. I'm going to tea#h ,nglish lit in a high
s#hool. 4referably one in California."
Mr $ellar looked up from his plate for the first time. "*on't be
ridi#ulous," he said briefly. !here was a few moments' silen#e. !hen 1
"*o I have to freakin' de#ide my whole future right now)" ?a#h
e7ploded.
Mrs $ellar #ast me another sidelong nerous look. "?a#h 1"
"*o you seriously hae to ask people from s#hool oer, desperate for
me to make proper ,riends, and then pretend to ask them about their
goddamned ,uture plans eery single se#ond so you #an tell them all
about the ,antastic, wonder,ul future your little ?a#hie's got planned
out) Hae you eer wondered if maybe I don't like it) -r doesn't that
matter to you)"
"?a#h, that's enough," Mr $ellar thundered.
?a#h pi#ked up the fork he was using, soiled with food and all, and
tossed it at the portrait of the pompous-looking man at the head of the
table. His aim was perfe#t 1 the sharp points slashed right through the
portrait-man's nose, spattering mashed potato eerywhere. !hen he
stood up, s#raping ba#k his #hair with a loud s#ree#h, and stalked out
of the room.
"ow I'e had enough," he #alled oer his shoulder on his way out.
His family and I sat fro2en in the silen#e, not daring to rea#t or een
look at ea#h other.
"Mommy," !alia s;ueaked softly, "why is ?a#h mad)"
!he ;uestion broke my inertia. I stood up. "3m," I said, nerously.
",7#use me."
'nd then I dashed out of there.
I found ?a#h in a small garden leading out of the liing room, per#hed
on a white arm#hair on the grass, taking long drags on his lit Camel. I
wasn't een sure why I'd #ome looking for him, after the way he'd
treated me last night 1 it wasn't like I felt sorry for him, be#ause his
family at least seemed to #are, unlike mine. Maybe that was it 1
maybe I wanted to berate him for a#ting like su#h an asshole.
-r maybe I admired him, a little 1 maybe if I starting throwing forks
around the kit#hen and yelling, my family would listen to me for on#e.
"Hey," I said, sinking into the grass, not een #aring that it was half-
wet and that my skirt would be ruined.
"(hat do you think you're doing)" he said sullenly.
I shrugged. "9itting and en&oying the iew. I wish I had a house like
this."
"'nd a family like mine, I bet," he said, sneering.
"'#tually," I said. "I do wish my family was like yours."
He looked at me in#redulously. "/ight."
I twisted some grass around my inde7 finger, not sure why I was
telling him this. "I do."
"(hi#h brings us to the ;uestion 1 what e7a#tly are you doing here?"
"I told you," I said, irritation mounting. "I'm here to babysit your sister."
"+es, I know that," ?a#h said with e7aggerated patien#e. "0ut haing
dinner with her family and annoying her brother isn't part of the &ob
des#ription, is it)"
I was so relieed that he wasn't bringing up the things !alia had said
to me 1 or the things we'd done less than twenty-four hours ago 1 that
I #hose to ignore the remark. "+our mother asked me to dinner. (hat
was I supposed to say)"
""o)" ?a#h suggested. "Isn't that what the s#hool administrators say
our mantra should be) =ust say no)"
"8ook." I looked him in the eye, hoping that somewhere, deep down in
him, there was a little bit of pity, a little bit of humanity. "I need this &ob,
all right) I need 1 I need 1" I #on#entrated on breathing. He knew it
already, didn't he) I was &ust #onfirming it. "I need the money. 'nd that
means doing whateer I #an to get it."
?a#h took another drag of his #igarette, s#owling at the sunset in the
distan#e. "6ine. +ou #an leae me alone and #on#entrate on the
people a#tually paying you now."
I rolled my eyes, wondering why I #ouldn't &ust make myself get up
and leae. "Can't you &ust talk like a normal human being for on#e,
instead of either like a soulless #yni# or a big, spoiled baby)"
?a#h tossed away his Camel and took out another one. "I blame my
parents for the fa#t that I seem unable to."
-kay, that was a start, sort of. "+ou're lu#ky they pay attention to you,"
I said softly.
"4ay attention, 9ummer)" His oi#e rose, then lowered dangerously.
"!hey don't &ust pay attention. !hey fu#king #ontrol eery step of my
life. Can't you see that)"
"I 1" I was less taken aba#k by his intensity than by the fa#t that he
seemed to be con,iding in me. 0ut then again, how #ould he not) I'd
seen him rowing with his family 1 he knew I was in dire need of
money. !he way I saw it, we were een.
(hi#h didn't mean # #ould trust him, but I had to be more trustworthy
than he was, didn't I)
"(hateer I am, they want me to be the e7a#t opposite. !hey want me
to be 1 I don't know! !hey want me to be athan."
I breathed as softly as possible, as fas#inated as I was s#ared by the
s#orn and disgust with whi#h he pronoun#ed "athan's name. (as the
feud they seemed to be haing only about the *enise girl /o7anne
had mentioned, or was it deeper than that)
"I &ust want to get out of their #ontrol. 8ead my own life. *o what I want
to do, be independent 1"
"-h, and you think you #an do that by strutting around failing #lasses
you don't attend)" I blurted out inoluntarily.
!here was a split se#ond of silen#e. (e looked at ea#h other, my fa#e
reddening, his disgusted, angry intense e7pression subsiding slightly.
"9orry," I muttered, though I wasn't sure why I was apologi2ing for
telling the truth.
""o, you know what) !hat's eeryone's opinion, isn't it) ,eryone
wants to play the #heerleader to me, doesn't it seem that way) You
can stop being an academic loser, -ach! You can be anything you
want to be, i, only you'll repair your attitude!" He adopted a high,
#artoonishly perky tone. "!hink I don't get enough of that from my
parents, 9ummer)"
(hy was he telling me all this) *id I een want to know) (hy was I
so drawn to this #onersation) "(ell, you do hae a lot of
opportunities, ?a#h. -kay) -pportunities I would die for, but would
neer get." I hadn't intended to sound angry, or bitter, but somehow, I
did anyway.
"+ou'd get them, all right) +ou #an work hard, I'm sure, if you're willing
to groel to that fu#king idiot my parents spawned. +ou probably hae
parents who fu#king support eery moe you make 1"
I wanted to run away as fast as I #ould 1 I #ould handle his anger and
his insults, but I #ouldn't handle this, this raw, open thing that was
making me blurt out eerything I wanted to neer talk about. "4arents
who support me) 're you kidding) 4lease tell me that's an
euphemism for neer noti#ing that I want to do something, be
somebody 1 that I am someone, okay) I'm not &ust some #anas in
the #orner for eeryone to throw knies at!"
"'t least you know what you want," he mumbled.
"(hat do you een know about me)" I demanded, the heat rushing to
my fa#e.
He looked at me angrily. "I don't know anything. I don't want to know
anything. +ou're the one who keeps pushing yourself in my fa#e."
"+eah," I spat ba#k. "I'm the one who was all territorial about 'my' park
ben#h, right) I'm the one who threatened to get you if you didn't leae
"athan alone. #'m the one who dragged you to 9nellwood last night,
I'm the one who pra#ti#ally raped you in the woods and then left you
behind to fend for yourself in a strange town!"
"It was 7ust a kiss!" ?a#h yelled.
"It was still 1" I stopped &ust in time, remembering who I was talking to.
If I told him how mu#h the kiss was bothering me, he'd get the upper
hand, and I #ouldn't let that happen. "It was still your ,ault!" I
s#ree#hed instead.
(e breathed hard and in tandem, glaring at ea#h other, and the
situation was so like last night 1 our postures, the way we'd been
yelling at ea#h other 1 that I wondered if he would kiss me again. I
tried not to hope for it. 0ut he didn't 1 we &ust stood there for a long,
long time, and when I #ould speak again, it was with more #almness.
"8ook, I might sound like your parents, but I'm still right," I said,
ignoring how mu#h of a goody-two-shoes I was and sounded like,
trying to look smug and superior and not like I was #ontemplating
rolling around in the grass with him. (as it possible to hate a person
and yet be so attra#ted to him) "+ou mayn't hae to de#ide on your
entire future right now, but you kind of do hae to de#ide in some kind
of direction. +ou #an't &ust go on liing the whole #li#h@ poor-little-ri#h-
boy life foreer."
"-h, and you're not a #li#h@) 0ig #ity girl stu#k in small town with a
wonderful family, being all moral and responsible and superior and
making waes)"
"Wonder,ul family)" I almost laughed. "(hat, did your mother's spirit
inhabit your body all of a sudden) *id I not mention the dior#e) My
dead mother) My drunk 1" I fell silent.
(e stared at ea#h other again. "*runk what)" ?a#h said finally.
"9ee for yourself." My mind was desperately telling my mouth to shut
up, but my mouth hadn't been doing a ery good &ob of obeying my
mind lately. "Meet me at my house tomorrow, instead of at the park.
Maybe you'll stop being so stupid about your family then."
He raised his eyebrows, almost fully restored to his #ustomary
boredom. "'nd risk being atta#ked by ampires) I don't know what
you're hiding, kid, but if it's that 1"
"I hae a name," I spat. "It's 9ummer. "ot kid." I wasn't sure whether
to feel relieed or furious 1 I'd &ust put myself out there, pra#ti#ally
inited him oer for dinner, and he'd refused.
"I know," ?a#h said #oolly. "(hateer."
"(hat, is that your faourite word now)" I said. 'nd we were ba#k,
ba#k to fighting oer random triialities instead of important things,
and I was almost as relieed as I was disappointed.
"9ummer, honey, are you out there) 0e#ause we're &ust about to
leae!" Mrs $ellar's oi#e #alled tremulously. "'nd !alia wants to play
with the lovely present you gae her!"
?a#h e7tra#ted a hip flask of what looked like odka from his &eans
po#ket and took a swig. "$o ahead, your employers be#kon."
I rolled my eyes, trying not to flin#h at the thought of Hadley doing the
same thing. "0a#k to being a baby, I see."
"I really wish I #ould light another Camel and sti#k it up your ass."
"!hat's so immature it isn't een funny." I rolled my eyes again.
"9#rew you," he mumbled.
I smiled #almly, remembering "athan's words yesterday. 9omehow,
thinking of him made me feel a #ompli#ated kind of relief 1 I wished I
#ould really beliee in him, beliee he was the gentleman he seemed
to be, but I #ouldn't, be#ause unlike ?a#h, he rarely showed what he
really felt. "*idn't know you wanted to."
?a#h stabbed his middle finger in my dire#tion and stalked indoors. I
didn't stop smiling.
"$reat #omeba#k," I yelled, before following.



:. The Cell 2hone 3ong
"!hat," ?a#h said witheringly, not for the first time, "is bullshit."
I let out a frustrated sigh and slumped oer my still-blank notebook,
wishing I #ould &ust go home and #rawl into bed for the rest of the
weekend. My first 9aturday with a guy sin#e Curtis had dumped me 1
too bad I would hae preferred being somewhere, anywhere, else.
(as a ?a#h-free 9aturday too mu#h to ask, when I'd spent the past
#ouple of days pra#ti#ally obsessing oer him)
(e'd been here, at /o#hester 4ark 1 neutral territory, a good thing, I'd
#onin#ed myself 1 for nearly an hour now, trying to work out an essay
on 1 gag me 1 love. 9omething I didn't know the first thing about,
something he didn't een beliee in. "o wonder he shot down all my
ideas 1 and no wonder his were so ridi#ulous.
"8ook," I said wearily, longing for a #up of #offee andHor some sleep.
0ut unfortunately, the nearest 9tarbu#ks was a few miles away, and I
was turning into an insomnia# these days. "I don't want to be here
either, any more than you do. 0ut as long as we hae to be, #an we
su#k it up and get this fu#king thing oer with) 8lease)"
"(hateer," ?a#h muttered 1 his new faourite word.
"-kay, then," I said tentatiely. "How about we &ust take the ;uote Ms
0lake gae us and e7pand on it, take some materials from 6it2gerald's
stories, maybe%"
"+eah," ?a#h said, fake-enthusiasti#ally. "How about we take &he
.reat .atsby 1 whi#h is an oerrated pie#e of #rap, by the way 1 and
use it to show that while most people talk about loe as something
good and yet all it seems to do is #ause death for eeryone)"
I resisted the urge to fling my notebook at his fa#e. How the hell did
Ms 0lake e7pe#t us to write a &oint essay together when we didn't
agree on anything) 'nd why was there this si#k, maso#histi# part of
me that a#tually en&oyed fighting with him)
"+ou know what)" I looked up at him, for#ing a #areless smirk.
"athan. I would #hannel "athan 1 he was good at what I wanted to do
right now, reerse psy#hology with the help of flirting. "I don't
understand why you're not #o-operating with me 1 don't you want to
get rid of me) -r is it possible that you're simply trying to prolong your
time in my #ompany)"
"athan made this kind of baiting seem easy and irresistibly
#harming%I suspe#ted I made it sound 1 well, stupid.
"(hoa, whoa, whoa." ?a#h held his hands up in front of my fa#e. "I
knew you were annoying, kid, but I neer thought of you as #on#eited.
How did you get that #ap to fit your head) It looks way too small."
!his morning, in the harsh daylight, it seemed as if ?a#h had neer
blown anything but #old towards me 1 as if he'd neer kissed me,
neer #onfided me Falbeit in his typi#al angry, insulting wayG, neer
e7posed himself to me. 'fter our fight last night, he'd left his house,
possibly to go to the library, probably to pi#k up some hot bartender at
some slea2y night#lub 1 and I'd spent my mindnumbingly dull re;uisite
hours playing 0arbie with his spoiled little sister, #olle#ted my reward,
and run home. 9till, if nothing else, our fight had been full of honesty,
full of a kind of openness I didn't dare to e7hibit around most people.
I'd hoped he'd be a little less antagonisti# today, &ust so things would
be a little easier. 0ut if anything, he was more.
I pointed at him, trying not to sound stung. "It's Summer. 's in, only-
two-years-younger-than-you 9ummer. 's in, please-stop-#alling-me-
kid-you-asshole 9ummer."
"(hateer," ?a#h said, tipping his head ba#k so that it nudged the tree
behind him and #losing his eyes.
9o, what, now I was supposed to do all our work) 'lone)
'lthough it would be easy, as opposed to finding a iew on loe we
agreed on.
$od, he was &ust so hard to figure out, almost as hard as "athan was.
I hadn't e7a#tly had a lot of e7perien#e with guys 1 oh, physi#ally I'd
had. ,en being with one guy for three years yielded up lots of
different kinds of se7. 0ut my relationship with Curtis had been simple<
I did eerything he wanted be#ause I was #ra2y about him, and he
obliged by going on being #ra2y about me. 0ut this, this was
dis#on#erting 1 bi#kering with a guy, standing up to a guy, being as
repelled by as I was attra#ted to a guy%most of all, not knowing
where I stood with a guy.
-h, 1 to borrow his word 1 whatever. (hat did I #are)
I stood up, slapping my empty notebook shut. "I need to sleep," I told
him. "8et's &ust do this thing online. 8ater."
'nd then I walked off before he #ould een open his eyes.
"+ou won't beliee the stuff I got from 0oston!" /o7anne's self-
satisfied s#ree#h reerberated through my skull, making my head
throb. "*id you know that they hae this new *onna :aran line there
that hasn't gone worldwide yet) It's #alled Intelle#t by *onna :aran>
it's basi#ally for Harard, MI!, and (ellesley students, and it's got
these amaCing denim &a#kets with suede po#kets that 1"
"*id you seriously go to 0oston &ust to shop, Cartwright)" ?a#h
drawled. I stared at my bio te7tbook, heat #reeping up my spine,
wishing all the #rap about binary fission would drie his oi#e out of
my brain. -r at least put me to sleep.
"(hy else would we go)" /o7anne's red-headed follower shot her
mentor a worshipful look.
"-h, why else, of #ourse," Chris said, sounding amused. "I mean, all
the history, 0oston College, MI!, the museums 1 they #an be found
here in 8inbury, of #ourse 1 but #ntellect #an't."
I felt a tray being set down a#ross from me at the table I'd daringly
#hosen to o##upy during lun#h on Monday instead of skulking around
in the ba#k of the library as usual. (ho would want to sit with me)
/o7anne had pretty mu#h guaranteed my spending lun#h periods
alone 1 well, with dead people, of #ourse. !omorrow I would en&oy the
s#intillating #ompany of 9ylia 4lath, today I'd opted to do the bio
homework I'd negle#ted yesterday.
!hen the Champagne $ang table &ust a few feet away from me fell
silent, and I instin#tiely knew who it was.
"Hey," I said to "athan, hoping my hair had #almed down sin#e this
morning.
"Hey," he said, grinning ba#k.
It wasn't &ust the Champagne $ang anymore> the whole dining room
had ;uieted down now. I suddenly wished "athan were my boyfriend,
&ust so I #ould laun#h my body a#ross the table and sti#k my tongue in
his mouth, giing them something to really look at.
-h, my $od. (hat was I thinking) I hated the spotlight!
""athan, I saed you a pla#e here right ne7t to me," /o7anne #alled,
in a de#eptiely sweet tone.
"!hanks, /o7," he #alled ba#k. 0ut he didn't moe. Instead, he
grabbed my tray, balan#ing it on top of his gra#efully as only a true
athlete #ould, and tu#ked my te7tbook under one arm. "Come on,
9ummer. +ou don't hae to sit alone anymore 1 sit with me.
/emember me) +our friend)"
I gaped at him, stru#k spee#hless.
""athan," /o7anne said, sounding outraged.
"'re you kidding)" I said, sounding e;ually outraged.
"(ow, I #an't beliee you forgot our agreement already," "athan said
in a mo#k-hurt tone, ignoring /o7anne.
"I 1 " I lowered my oi#e. "9itting with you 1 fine. 9itting with all of
them 1 not."
He rolled his eyes. "I'm honoured. 0ut seriously, #ome on." He leaned
towards me, and I inhaled the now-familiar s#ent of him that I liked so
mu#h. "I'll be the noble prote#tor you need 1 I won't let them bite you, I
promise."
"It's not like I'm s#ared of them, "athan."
"-f #ourse not," "athan said seriously.
I rolled my eyes ba#k, then glan#ed at his table. Chris was smiling at
me, but /o7anne was flushed, looking furious, and ?a#h was glaring
daggers at me. (hat, now I didn't hae a right to sit around him)
"-kay," I said to "athan. I rea#hed out, pulling my book away from
him, then grabbing my tray from his hands. "0ut I'll take those,
thanks."
His shoulder gra2ed mine as he turned to lead the way ba#k to his
table, still grinning. I stood on high alert for a moment &ust looking at
him, my shoulder bu22ing, &ust en&oying the iew. !hen I for#ed myself
into a#tion again.
'midst the bu22 that had su##eeded that silen#e, I mar#hed right up
to his table 1 the "hampagne .ang table, the mega '-list table. It was
hard not to reali2e that eery student in the room was staring at me
with a mi7ture of &ealousy and surprise, and it was hard not to,
#autious as I was trying to be, feel good about it. "athan, eer the
gentleman, pulled out a #hair for me and sank into another one on my
immediate right. I tried not to melt under the fire of /o7anne and
?a#h's #ombined glares.
"How were your #lasses this morning)" Chris asked, eer friendly.
I took a deep breath. !here I was, ens#on#ed in their inner san#tum 1
to eeryone at !hornton, I knew it would seem that I'd taken a huge
leap from "ew $irl 3ndesired to popularity 1 and yet he was a#ting
like things were normal, when they weren't 1 or were they) 'fter all,
nothing had really #hanged. I had to regain #ontrol oer myself, feel
less nerous and less powerful, be#ause I was only here on a
mission.
"$ood," I said, hoping my oi#e wasn't too shaky.
"*idn't hear a peep from you oer the weekend," "athan said
#asually, tearing open a :it :at. ""ot e7a#tly the way to treat a friend,
is it)"
"Hey, if you wanted me around, you #ould hae done something about
it," I said, aoiding both his ga2e and ?a#h's in #ase my light tone
broke.
"-h, my $od," /o7anne said loudly.
(e all looked up at her, and I felt that same heady sense of sudden
power that had made me announ#e to *erek that she was #heating on
him.
"!his is un-,ucking-belieable," /o7anne #ried angrily, s#raping her
#hair ba#k with a loud bang. 9he pointed at "athan. "(e're going to
talk in a few hours. I'm outta here." 9he stormed off, her new #lone
s#ampering after her.
(ait, she'd le,t) 9he hadn't dumped her food on my head or for#ed
me to retreat somehow) Could it really hae been that easy)
(e sat in silen#e for a se#ond. ,e was the one who broke it. "9he'll
get oer it," she announ#ed #almly.
I gae her a #onfused glan#e. (as she really siding with me)
"In the meantime, sorry, 9ummer, nothing personal." =ust as #almly,
she got up gra#efully and walked out behind /o7anne.
'pparently not.
8eft to ourseles, the three boys and I eyed ea#h other. I wondered
why ?a#h hadn't left. *idn't he hate me enough)
"8isten," "athan said ;uietly. I fa#ed him, and he said meaningfully,
"I'm sorry about 1 bringing up 0eethoen that night."
"It's okay," I assured him. "I was a kid anyway."
"I suppose you guys #an't speak a language I understand)" Chris
said, half-&okingly.
I was glad I had an e7#use to #hange the sub&e#t. "It's nothing," I said.
""othing important."
?a#h let out a loud snort. ' #opy of 9hakespeare's !amlet was open
in front of him, but he apparently wasn't paying a whole lot of attention
to it.
"*id you say something)" I asked politely.
He met my #austi# ga2e unflin#hingly. ""ope."
"9o how was your weekend)" I ;uestioned Chris and "athan.
"athan rea#hed oer and popped a pie#e of my garli# bread 1 my
faourite food at !hornton 1 into his mouth. I was too startled by the
familiarity of the gesture to protest. "Chris hooked up with half of
8inbury Central at the /egen#y."
"Hey, man!" Chris tossed a #heese fry at him. "athan #aught it out of
the air and bit into it. Maybe it was kind of gross, but I grinned, feeling
myself rela7 a little. !hey were so 1 so normal, &ust a #ouple of boys
goofing around. I had a sudden flash of them as nine-year-olds,
playing football or hide-and-seek, breaking things, being boys.
"I thought you had a girlfriend," I said #asually.
"He did, but she's off to ,urope for the semester and she refused to
wait for him." "athan affe#ted a high oi#e. "-h, nooo, Christopher,
there's going to be so many hot 6ren#hmen with a goatee in 4aris,
how #an I possibly be faithful to your sorry high s#hool ass)" It was a
side of him I'd neer seen 1 teasing friend 1 and it was intriguing.
"9hut up, (ellington." Chris fli#ked another fry at him.
"-h, is little Christopher missing his rosy-#heeked .anessa)" "athan
mo#ked. "*o you want to be her whipped little dog and #uddle up with
her at night and #ry on her shoulder about the big bad world)" (as I
stupid for finding this side of him attra#tie) I didn't like too-sensitie
guys - probably one of the reasons I'd kissed ?a#h ba#k so hard in
9nellwood.
Chris rolled his eyes. "$o fu#k yourself, man. "obody else wants to."
!hen he remembered me and glan#ed at me, his #heeks growing
pink. "9orry," he said to me, apologeti#ally.
"*on't worry about it," I said, a little wistfully. I was missing
(odehouse a#utely, missing all my guy friends there. "9o what about
you, "athan) (ho'd you hook up with) !he whole of 8C')"
"-u#h," Chris #rowed, triumphantly.
"athan looked at me, a dangerously light e7pression in his
remarkable green eyes. "+ou &ealous)"
'nd &ust like that, the ease in the atmosphere disappeared.
0e#ause maybe I was, a little. Maybe there was a tiny part of me that
wanted to hear that he'd taken a ow of #eliba#y for the weekend. It
was a thought I refused to think, but it was there anyway.
""o," I said, but I dropped my eyes, suddenly #ons#ious of his on my
fa#e.
"I was a saint this weekend, a#tually." "athan was ostensibly
addressing all three of us at the table, but I had a feeling his words
were dire#ted at me. "I only indulged in one deadly sin 1 gluttony. 'nd
that's only be#ause we hae a new #ook."
0ut of #ourse he had a #ook.
"(hat happened to Mara)" Chris wanted to know. "I liked her. 9he
made killer salsa."
"9he went ba#k to -&ai. *oesn't like the ,ast Coast mu#h." "obody
seemed to noti#e that ?a#h wasn't saying anything, but maybe that
was only normal> maybe it was only around me that he talked so mu#h
and so offensiely that I wanted to superglue his lips together. "athan
grinned proudly. "I een did some homework."
Chris gasped in pretend horror. "o!"
"athan stu#k out his tongue at him. "9hut up, 6it2gerald."
I resisted the urge to say "'w" and hug them both.
"9o how was your weekend)" Chris asked me.
I glan#ed at ?a#h inoluntarily. "6ine," I said, stiffening.
"(hat did you do)" Chris pressed.
?a#h raised his eyes from his book. !hey were, I saw with horror,
glimmering with mali#e. 9hit. !his was what he'd been waiting for.
"'#tually, 6it2gerald, she spent most of it with me."
I fro2e, feeling heat rush into my fa#e. o, he didn't.
"9he did)" "athan's tone was, I #ould see, straining to be #asual. 'nd
for on#e, not su##eeding.
"(e had to write an essay together," I said ;ui#kly. !he last thing I
wanted was for anyone to think I'd spent time of my own free will with
?a#h $ellar.
"/eally," Chris said #autiously, glan#ing from me to "athan. "-n
what)"
I shifted in my seat, feeling un#omfortable. "It was for Ms 0lake's
,nglish #lass," I said easiely. ?a#h and I had ended up writing
separate essays and then #ut-pasting parts from them into a &oint one.
It wouldn't een be worth a C 1 loath as I was to admit it, ?a#h's essay
on its own was worth an '. He hadn't insulted mine yet, so I wondered
if he hadn't #ompletely hated it.
"/ight," ?a#h said, flipping !amlet shut.
I looked at him, hating to plead but doing so anyway. 8lease don't
bring up Friday evening/ 8lease don't say anything more/ #, you have
even one shred o, humanity in you, please 7ust go away/
He looked ba#k dire#tly, smirking.
"Hey," "athan said, pushing his tray away. "I'm done here. 'nyone
else done)"
/elieed beyond measure, I sei2ed the opportunity. "+eah. I should,
um, get to #lass."
"I #ould walk you," "athan suggested.
I looked at him, torn. I needed to get out of there before ?a#h gae
away anything more 1 why, why, why had I opened up to him) 1 and
besides, was it so wrong to en&oy "athan's #ompany) "9ure."
?a#h stood up, abruptly, and strode off into the distan#e.
I tried not to think of how I felt about that.
Chris, "athan, and I were on our way out when I noti#ed it lying on the
floor in between /o7anne and Chris's a#ated #hairs. ' small, siler
Motorola /a2r.
We have to ,ind some ma7or dirt on Ro6anne be,ore we can do
anything big to her/ It was =a22's oi#e in my head, sparking off a
sudden brainwae. *irt that #ould, possibly, be found in the #ellphone
she might hae dropped in the #ourse of her angry retreat from the
dining room)
I didn't stop to think about it. !hinking wasn't getting me anywhere,
was it) Instead, I rea#hed out, grabbed "athan's arm, and said with a
strangely #alm smile, "=ust go on without me, I want to get a Coke for
later so I #an keep awake in 'lgebra."
"9ure you don't need me to wait around)" "athan asked. Chris was
already out, on his way to his lo#ker.
I ignored the thought that his arm was &ust separated from my fingers
by his bla#k bla2er and nodded. "I'm not your damsel in distress,
remember)"
"athan grinned. "4oint taken. I'll let you know if there are any dragons
lurking in the hallway and you #an fight them yourself."
I smiled, and then he was gone.
I walked slowly ba#k to the table I'd &ust left, hoping that anyone who
saw me would figure I was simply going ba#k for something I'd
dropped. In any #ase, there weren't a whole lot of people around 1
lun#h was winding down, and students were walking to their #lasses,
talking, laughing, ma#king. !he group of freshman girls left in the
dining room, pi#king at a bag of *oritos in between them, shot me
awed, enious looks as I passed and then went ba#k to wittering
about "athan (ellington's arm mus#les.
(hi#h, I #ould hae told them, were pretty impressie.
I #ast a ;ui#k look around to make sure the girls weren't staring at me>
ignoring the nauseous feeling in my stoma#h and the speeding up of
my pulse 1 I knew full well how dangerous it was, what I was about to
do 1 I stooped swiftly, surreptitiously pi#ked up the small #ell phone,
and stuffed it into my po#ket.
0ingo.
I was a thief.
I had stolen a cell phone.
9itting in the stables #utting ne7t period half an hour later, I wondered
what was happening to me. Clearly, I was only a good, #ons#ientious
girl when things were going my way. (hen my life eered off #ourse, I
resorted to bribing bratty bit#hes, shouting at my peers, #utting #lass,
making out with assholes, toying with popular girls, and stealing to feel
better. !his was who I really was. Inside, I was &ust like /o7anne
Cartwright. ' reengeful, immature, impulsie, slutty, hot-tempered,
uns#rupulous bitch.
/a#hael would hae been so proud of me. =a22, on the other end of
my phone #ongratulating me gleefully on haing had the 'gumption' to
pi#k up the Motorola, #learly was. 0ut I wasn't. I was shaking like a
leaf during Hurri#ane :atrina, and I wanted one of the horses to #ome
and trample me under its hooes.
"*on't you understand)" I wailed to =a22. "I stole it! I broke the law!"
"+ou'll return it, #hi#a," =a22 said #almly. Her boyfriend this week was
part 9panish, and it showed. "If you #an do it without getting into
trouble."
!his wasn't ery #omforting. "=a22, this isn't me! I don't know what I
was thinking!"
"+ou were thinking about what /o7anne Cartwright's done to you. 'nd
how mu#h she deseres to get a taste of her own goddamned
ket#hup."
I s#rewed my eyes shut. It was true 1 /o7anne deserved to hae
something bad happen to her. 0ut what right did I hae to administer
her punishment) (hy would I want to sink to her leel)
"o, I #ouldn't ba#k out now, not when I hadn't een done anything yet.
I for#ed the images of her presentation on Hadley into my mind. I
thought of her selfish destru#tion of my &ob, for#ing me to babysit
?a#h's bratty sister !alia, her #arbon #opy. I thought of her s#heming
with "athan to take me down. I thought of all her bit#hy #omments,
her promise that Hadley was &ust the start, her arrogan#e, her smug
satisfa#tion with all her money and her beauty.
"6ine," I said, een though I still didn't feel as determined as =a22
seemed to be. "0ut what now)"
"-kay," =a22 said. "-pen it."
"(-what)"
"Hon. +ou didn't steal that thing &ust to sit on it and hope that /o7anne
a#tually #ares about spending money on a new, better #ell phone. (e
need to look at her messages and shit. =ust flip it open."
I #omplied. !he wallpaper #onfirmed that the phone was, in fa#t,
/o7anne's. !here was a gorgeous fa#e, and then the fa#es of the
Champagne $ang, somehow made to be small enough for all of them
to surround her. !he message was #lear 1 friends obiously did make
her world. I felt a searing pang of guilt and almost hung up on =a22.
You're 7ust looking at her phone/ othing wrong with that/
!hat was when the phone beeped. 9tartled, I almost let go of it, but
managed to grasp it again &ust in time. 9uddenly, my hands felt
#lammy. "=a22," I s;ueaked.
"(as that a te7t message)" =a22 demanded e7#itedly.
"I 1 I think so," I stuttered. I didn't want to be doing this. I so did not
want to be doing this.
"(ell)" =a22 said. "(hat's it say)"
"I 1 you really think I should see)" I whimpered. !his was wrong. I was
iolating /o7anne's pria#y 1 &ust the way she'd iolated mine by
filming my sister.
"Summer," =a22 said impatiently.
I #li#ked it open. !he te7t flashed before my eyes. I stared down at it,
my breathing going shallow, bile rising to my throat.
"Well)"
"=a22," I #roaked. "+ou hae to see this."
"(hat does it say)"
"It says 1" I swallowed. "It says%'see you at I 1 the thought of you on
my bed is what's getting me through this. bring the honey, i'll get the
wine.'" !here was a pause as =a22 and I #onsidered this.
"9o she's sleeping with someone," =a22 said slowly, finally. "!hat isn't
e7a#tly in#riminating, 9um. 9he's old enough. (ho sent it)"
"I 1" I swallowed again. "9omeone #alled =immy."
"=immy," =a22 said. "(ow. 3ni;ue name. I bet there are a billion guys
#alled =immy in 'meri#a. -kay, listen. Che#k her messages, see if
there are any more messages from guys 1 you already did the
#heating thing, but maybe this will work."
9he didn't sound ery hopeful, and I didn't feel ery hopeful either, but
I s#rolled down /o7anne's messages anyway, listening to her breathe
on the other end. !here were a few from "athan, whi#h I #ouldn't stop
myself from reading 1 most of them said things like, 'party, regen#y, C,
no beer but fit2's #ousin arranged for thai sti#k, loe u' and a few were
forwarded &okes and #hain messages 1 a bun#h from ,e and Chris
saying mu#h the same things, and a #ouple from ?a#h turning down
inites, a lot from other kids at !hornton, one from *erek saying 'fu#k
u'. Che#king her sent messages yielded up the same kind of stuff. I
almost forgot about =a22 as I read through them, fas#inated in spite of
myself by this glimpse into a life that, despite being far more opulent,
was sort of like the one I'd had in Manhattan 1 a life full of friends and
partying and desirably normal #on#erns.
"Hello) +ou still alie)" =a22 whined, snapping me out of my reerie. I
was remembering one !uesday ba#k home, when /a#hael and I had
#ut 'lgebra by lying about a gynea#ologist appointment. (e'd met
Curtis and /a#hael's boyfriend ,dwin at the s#hool gates and
wandered around Manhattan, laughing about random people on the
road, eating deli#ious #heese dogs slathered in ket#hup, sneaking into
a 0roadway show, sampling musi# in .irgin Megastores, and then
sunning ourseles in Central 4ark. I'd been lying on top of Curtis,
fa#ing out, and he'd run his hands through my hair, whispering that he
loed me and wanted me and wanted me to #ome oer that eening
while his parents were at an open-house meeting with his little sister's
tea#hers. I'd been so happy to agree 1 I hadn't een thought of
refusing.
"+es," I said, and suddenly, my s;ueamishness was gone. "=a22,
there's tons of messages from guys here, some of them are een
pretty graphi# 1 but no more from =immy. (hat do you think that
means)"
"It #ould mean that =immy's di#k is an e7tremely re#ent addition to her
se7 pri2es," =a22 said, her oi#e sounding as though she was thinking
out loud. "-r it #ould mean that she deletes his messages as soon as
she gets them. 'nd what #ould that mean)"
"It #ould mean that he's someone she's definitely not supposed to be
seeing," I said slowly.
",7a#tly," =a22 said.
(e sat there in silen#e for a se#ond, #onsidering the impli#ations of
this fa#t.
"If only we #ould get ba#k the messages she's already deleted," =a22
said, wistfully. "0ut I guess that isn't possible."
"I guess not," I said.
'nd then I had a brainwae. It was an idea so brilliant, so glaringly
and outrageously brilliant, that I #ouldn't beliee it had taken so long to
#ome to me.
"=a22," I said breathlessly. "Maybe it is."
"(hat 1"
"Meet me at the publi# library. "ow."
"0ut I hae #lass 1"
"8ook, do you want to do this or not)"
"-h, ,ine," =a22 said e7asperatedly. "I'll be there in fifteen."
'fter I'd hung up on her, I started walking out of the gates, dialling my
brother's number at the same time. It was good to hae something to
#on#entrate on other than ?a#h and "athan, and it was good to feel
like I was doing something to pay ba#k /o7anne, rather than &ust
sitting around hoping fate would take #are of it. Mi#hael pi#ked up on
the third ring. "I need you," I said, without any further ado.
"9ummer)" Mi#hael said #autiously.
"Can you #ome to the publi# library now, please) I need your help." I
stared at the grass under my feet, hoping that Mi#hael found family
important enough to leae work for a while. !here was a long pause.
!hen 1
"-kay," said Mi#hael.
"9o there is way to re#oer stolen messages)" =a22 sounded as
thrilled as if she'd &ust been handed the #ure to 'I*s.
"+es," Mi#hael said simply. "I &ust need to #onne#t the 9IM #ard to this
#omputer, and get some stuff from my room 1"
"+ou go, dude," =a22 said, thoroughly impressed. 9he looked at me
admiringly. "' brother who #an ha#k into #ell phones and #omputers)
!hat's so #ool. (hat else hae you been hiding, 9ummer)"
I stared at Mi#hael, wondering if his #heeks were slightly redder than
usual. (hen he'd walked into the library, =a22 and I had been sitting
together in the mystery se#tion, #he#king /o7anne's messages again.
!hen =a22 had whispered, "Hey, #ute guy alert," and I'd looked up to
see Mi#hael. It had been ery weird to know that my one friend at
8inbury thought my brother was #ute, but I'd managed to introdu#e
them and e7plain eerything about /o7anne in ten minutes flat.
Mi#hael hadn't een ;uestioned me 1 he'd agreed to do what I'd
asked him to do, and I'd found that in#redibly sweet of him. It was
good to hae su#h a supportie brother.
I'd tried to keep him from intera#ting with =a22 mu#h 1 I liked =a22, but
I knew she was a bit of a player, and I didn't want her to go after
Mi#hael, of all people.
(hile Mi#hael worked on the #ell phone, =a22 and I floated ba#k to
the mystery se#tion. I felt too tensed and e7#ited about what was
going on at the #omputer to open my mouth, but =a22 didn't seem to
hae the same problem. "+our brother is totally #ute," she said.
I gae her a disgusted look. "0y the real world, he's #onsidered a
geek."
"+eah, I #an see why," =a22 said, rolling her eyes. "0ut don't you think
that's hot) I mean, who would you rather date 1 some asshole who
#an put a ball through a hoop without falling down, or some smart,
#ute guy who #an do your math homework for you)"
I #ouldn't help laughing. "=a22, seriously, he's my brother. 8lease don't
try to date him."
"(hat, you don't think I'm good enough for him)" =a22 looked
offended.
"-f #ourse I do," I assured her. !his was ery bi2arre. "I &ust 1 I don't
want him to be $uy "umber 9een this month."
=a22 looked at me understandingly. "-kay, so I do hae a bit of a
settling-down problem."
"+eah," I said, surprised that she wasn't angry. It was hard being
honest with people I liked.
"6ine," =a22 sighed. "I'll stay away for now."
(e spent the ne7t few minutes in silen#e, wrapped up in our own
thoughts. I felt a tingle of e7#itement in the pit of my stoma#h at the
thought of figuring out who =immy was. If it was something
in#riminating%if we #ould really end up paying ba#k /o7anne%
"It's done," Mi#hael said, about forty minutes later.
=a22 and I gathered around the #omputer he'd been working on. I, for
one, was finding it diffi#ult to breathe. I didn't know for sure that what
we found would be important, but if it was%I wasn't sure what I was
hoping for, in#riminating information or none at all.
!here were about forty re#oered messages from =immy, not
in#luding the one that I'd opened.
"=esus Christ," =a22 yelped. 9he did a happy little dan#e. "!here's one
from this morning 1 there's no way that #ould hae been deleted
be#ause her inbo7 got full or some shit like that!"
Mi#hael patted me on the head. "$ood lu#k," he said #almly, and then
e7ited. 9eriously. I had stolen a #ell phone and then made him ha#k it,
and instead of freaking out, he was wishing me lu#k.
=a22 s#rolled through the messages eagerly, keeping up a running
#ommentary as her fingers flew oer the buttons on the #omputer's
keyboard. I leaned against the ba#k of my #hair and kept my eyes
shut while I #lut#hed the #ell phone. It was the only way I #ould deal
with how in#redibly bi2arre I felt. "ow that were a#tually there, the
moment of truth, I found myself wishing I hadn't de#ided to do this
after all.
I honestly #ouldn't understand myself. (hy #ouldn't I &ust de#ide what
I wanted to do)
"9ee, &ust as we thought, this is some guy she's fu#king," =a22 said
triumphantly. "-h, my $od, listen to this 1 'dont let any other boy tou#h
you the way i did last night. you were phenomenal.' +u#k, like I need
the images. 'nd hey, see this 1"
"=a22," I said.
" ,w! 'your ba#k is the se7iest thing i'e eer seen. i want to spell that
out on you with my%' 3gh, do they hae to be so graphi#)"
"=a22," I said again.
9he looked up, her fa#e flushed. "What)"
"=a22." I slipped down in front of her on my knees, de#iding not to
think about it anymore. "8ook, fo#us. (e already know these two are
haing a relationship 1 now we need to find out why they're trying to
hide it. 's in, who this guy is 1"
"(hoeer he is, he's totally #orny. I mean, listen to this." =a22's
attention was on the #omputer again. !he small library #omputer that
suddenly seemed like a time bomb ti#king away far too loudly. "He
says his faourite outfit of hers is her birthday suit. 8ike, um, cheesy!"
I rolled my eyes. "=a22!"
"+eah, yeah, sorry." 9he sighed. "-kay, okay, brainstorming. /ight.
(ho is this mysterious =immy, and why does she want to hide him
away) It #an't &ust be for his #heesiness, so%like I said, there are
about a billion =immys in 'meri#a 1"
!hat was when the phone started belting out 'kon's '9ma#k !hat',
'"athan' flashing on the tiny s#reen in big blue letters.
I dropped the phone on the table. "-h my fu#king goddamned
#unthead 1" =a22 turned to look at me, pani# filling her big dark eyes.
I felt pretty pani#ked myself. "9hit," I muttered. "(hy didn't we think of
this, why didn't we think of this, why didn't we 1"
"9hut up!" =a22 hissed. Her hands were shaking. "!hat isn't the
;uestion 1 the ;uestion is, what do we do now)"
"=ust let it ring)" I whispered, staring almost reerently at the time
bomb-slash-#ell phone.
"+es, yes, let it ring," =a22 agreed.
(e looked at ea#h other, feeling #ompletely terrified.
",7#use me)" !he fri22y-haired librarian wearing a name tag saying
'4amela' poked her head around the sta#k of books, glaring at us.
"!his library has a 'silen#e is golden' poli#y."
"*on't let it ring," =a22 said immediately, and &abbed her finger at the
',nd' button. 9he looked at me on#e 4amela had melted into the
musty silen#e around us, looking een more pani#ked than before.
"$reat, now she knows someone has her phone!"
"(hat are you talking about)" I gulped, my throat suddenly dry.
"(ell, duh. !hat was probably her #alling from "athan's phone. 9he
must be furious." =a22 shook her head and dropped her fa#e into her
hands.
"!hat's &ust fu#king great," I mumbled, slumping.
'9ma#k !hat' started off again.
"(hat kind of girl has a song like that for her ringtone)" =a22 wanted
to know, &abbing ',nd' on#e again.
I shrugged. "Maybe one of the guys programmed it. 8ike an inside
&oke." I shuddered, trying to gain #ontrol oer myself again. "8isten.
8et's &ust put this on ibrate and go on looking at those messages."
=a22 looked at me. "!hat's a#tually a good idea." 9he grabbed the
phone and pushed buttons, #hanging it to ibrate. "-kay. $reat. 8et's
go."
6or the ne7t few minutes, we read in silen#e, #onstantly glan#ing oer
our shoulders to make sure /o7anne wasn't popping out of one of the
sheles, threatening to arrest us. Her little phone #all had done the
tri#k< I was offi#ially ready to lose !hornton, my freedom, and any
#han#e of su##ess 1 or of +ale 1 I might hae eer had.
"-h, my $od!" =a22 was reading the re#oered sent messages now.
"He has blue eyes and brown hair!"
"How do you figure)" I sat up straighter, e7#itement &oining the terror
in my stoma#h again.
"Che#k this out 1 three things I loe about you. 'nother #orny loe
message. '+our sharp blue eyes seeming to undress me, your soft
brown hair against my ne#k' 1 who'd a' thunk she'd be so poeti#)"
=a22 snorted a laugh.
"(ell, okay, that narrows it down to half a million," I said, trying to
sound optimisti# and not #ompletely dis#ouraged.
"-kay, you know what)" Clearly stumped, =a22 turned the #ell phone
off and nodded at me. "!his is a start. (e know his name is =immy,
and we know he has blue eyes and brown hair 1 and we know he has
to be at least #ute for her to date him."
"+es, that tells us a lot," I said sar#asti#ally. "9o now we 1 what) 4la#e
ads in the newspaper for a guy meeting that des#ription) 'sk around
!hornton and 8C' and the publi# s#hools for a guy meeting that
des#ription)"
"4oint taken, we're not that #lose to our goal yet." =a22 sighed. "6ine.
8ook. 8et's &ust sleep on this, okay) (e'll figure out our ne7t step
later."
"-kay," I said, knowing that I didn't really hae a #hoi#e.
"'nd in the meantime," she added, grinning, "I'm really staring."
9o we went and got a #heeseburger from M#*onald's and ate it in the
park. 's we sat there, idly #hatting about =a22's new boyfriend, all our
reenge plans and the Champagne $ang forgotten, I felt relieed. "ot
only was I not een sure I wanted to do this to /o7anne, but also,
well%I felt more at pea#e than I had for a few days.
It was good to be sitting there with a friend.
My relief 1 and my pea#e 1 didn't last long.
!he ne7t morning at s#hool, /o7anne made an announ#ement about
her phone at 'ssembly F#t's a beauti,ul small silver $otorola RaCr and
it's really e6pensive, # missed it by seventh period/ # repeat, it's really
e6pensive, so anyone who ,inds it will be rewarded. 6ollowed by a
sultry smileG but didn't seem oerly #on#erned 1 either she was a#ting
or she didn't think it was possible to re#oer deleted messages. I sat
there and wondered if it would be possible to somehow slip the phone
into her bag during 8un#h, now that I was eating with them. -r was I)
I de#ided to aoid "athan and slip into the library again instead.
9o I was feeling almost normal as I e7ited my last #lass of the day,
0usiness and '##ounts, espe#ially be#ause Mr Caldwell, the tea#her
and the twenty-nine-year-old resident Hot -lder *ude -n Campus,
#ornered me right after the bell rang and told me that he was pleased
with the 'original thought' I'd put into my proposition for the business
pro&e#t we all had to do for finals. I smiled at him and walked out of the
#lassroom thinking about an after-s#hool sna#k. It was ama2ing, but
/o7anne's phone, for on#e, wasn't on my mind.
"=immy!" Mrs Montmogery, who taught 0iology, poked her smooth
brown head out of the staff room right ne7t to Mr Caldwell's
#lassroom. I was pretty sure there was a flirtatious note in her oi#e.
"=immy, are you #oming in) I made you some tea 1 with lemon, &ust
the way you like it."
I took another step forward 1 and then it sank in.
I spun around so fast that my ponytail sma#ked my mouth. Ignoring
the pain, I stared at Mr Caldwell. I stared at him like I'd neer stared at
anyone before, things falling into pla#e in my brain as I suddenly
noti#ed things I'd neer noti#ed before 1 like his shaggy hair and witty
eyes. 9haggy brown hair, witty blue eyes.
Could it een be possible) Could it be possible that%
/o7anne was sleeping with%
' teacher)
!he ne7t day, I de#ided I'd trail /o7anne after homeroom. 9he already
had a new phone and I heard her talking into it while she walked to
whateer #lass she had, but there was nothing in her #hirpy
monologue to suggest that she was talking to anyone%spe#ial.
I was prepared to eat lun#h with the Champagne $ang again, but
"athan surprised me by showing up at the door of the #lass I was in
right before the bell rang. I was pi#king up my books and didn't reali2e
he was there until I felt the e7#ited hush fall oer the female
population of the #lass. I followed their ga2e to the door> I #an't say I
was surprised to see him standing there, but I was surprised by the
fa#t that he held what appeared to be a large sli#e of "ew +ork
#heese#ake in a dark blue plate in his hands.
I raised my eyebrows as I approa#hed him. "Hey," I said a little
un#ertainly.
"' present for the girl from "ew +ork," "athan said, handing the plate
to me with a flourish.
I smiled be#ause I was genuinely tou#hed. "!here are adantages to
being friends with you, huh)"
"athan pointed at me. "+ou ain't seen nothin' yet," he said in an
e7aggerated !hug-6rom-0ron7 a##ent.
I #ouldn't help wondering if that was true 1 what would it be like to
really be "athan's girl,riend) I was pretty sure that he would treat me
like a ;ueen> he was in#redibly sweet een &ust as a friend after all.
(hat would he hae added to the #heese#ake if we were dating) '
pi22a, a hug and a kiss, what) 0e#ause it would be ni#e to be able to
rest my head on that strong-looking #hest now that I was #onstantly
tired and to hae his lips prote#tie and warm on different parts of my
fa#e%
I shook my head and told myself to snap out of it. I wasn't going to be
the kind of girl who hankered after haing boyfriends &ust for the he#k
of it. 'nd besides, this was pure business.
"(hat's going on in that head of yours)" "athan pulled me gently out
of the #lassroom and slung his arm around my shoulders as we
walked, for#ing another ision 1 of haing the right to snuggle into his
body at that moment 1 into my head.
""othing." I shrugged and pulled away awkwardly. "Hey, listen, no
offen#e, but I don't really want to eat with you guys today." I'd thought I
was prepared, but seeing /o7anne stalk into the dining room a few
feet away from us, I reali2ed I wasn't.
"athan regarded me thoughtfully for a se#ond before grinning. "I hae
an idea," he said.
'nd before I #ould stop him, protest, or ask what the hell he was
doing, he'd grabbed my hand and taken off in the opposite dire#tion,
walking so fast that I, haing #onsiderably shorter legs, #ould barely
breathe.
(e flew out of the gates and didn't stop until we rea#hed his #ar.
""athan!" I almost shouted. "(hat are you 1 we 1"
"8et's hae a #ar pi#ni#," "athan said breathlessly.
I looked at him. His #heeks were flushed, his green eyes shining. I
wasn't the most spontaneous person in the world 1 een agreeing to a
'#ar pi#ni#' entailed too mu#h thinking for me 1 but it had neer
o##urred to me before that "athan wasn't either. 'fter all, ?a#h was
the one who went on moonlit motor#y#le rides to unknown pla#es.
"(e don't hae any food," I pointed out #autiously.
"(e'e got #heese#ake," "athan said. "'nd I'm a bit of a &unk food
addi#t, so 1 let me see 1" He raffled around in his ba#kpa#k and
produ#ed a #an of Coke, a pa#k of $ummi 0ears, and three #ans of
4ringles. He smiled sheepishly. "-kay, so it's not e7a#tly food fit for
kings. 0ut we #an share. (hat do you think)"
"(on't your friends 1" I stopped, wondering how to phrase it. $iss
you? Freak out? Want to kill me?
"9#rew my friends," said "athan, with an e7pression on his fa#e I
#ouldn't ;uite de#ipher.
I smiled suddenly, widely, ine7pli#ably. "-kay," I said. "8et's hae a
pi#ni#."
"athan grinned ba#k. "-kay."
'nd so I had lun#h in "athan (ellington's #ar, sitting there with him
and talking about nothing less inno#uous than moies and !., until it
was time for fifth-period reality.
I had ,nglish after lun#h. I wasn't looking forward to seeing ?a#h, but
my lun#h with "athan had somehow buoyed me up. I felt ready. In
fa#t, I almost felt happy.
Ms 0lake said she had something important to announ#e to us. "'ll of
you hae heard about the Classmate ,nglish #ontest that takes pla#e
in 9eattle eery year, I presume)"
"(oo hoo," =ake Hollis said sar#asti#ally.
?a#h, who hadn't spared me a glan#e so far and was beginning to
make me un#omfortable be#ause he was slou#hed oer so mu#h in
the seat behind me that his hair o##asionally tou#hed my ba#k, turned
around and pinned him down with a withering glare. =ake rolled his
eyes and shut up.
"In #ase someone hasn't," Ms 0lake #ontinued, ignoring the entire
s#ene, "this is what it's about. ,ery year two students in eery
adan#ed ,nglish #lass from eery priate s#hool on the ,ast Coast
gets to parti#ipate in an ,nglish grammar and o#abulary and writing
#ompetition. I need not tell you that being pi#ked is an enormous
honour. !he s#hool pays for your flight, for your food, for the two-night
stay at a hotel. 'll that remains is for you to agree to go and for your
parents to sign a permission slip."
I slumped in my seat. I knew that being pi#ked would fire up my
#ollege apps, but I &ust #ouldn't summon up the energy to #are, to
want to leae all this behind and es#ape to 9eattle for a while. 9till, I
waited to hear how the two parti#ipants would be #hosen.
"!he #ompetition is the 9aturday after ne7t. I hae been ealuating all
your homework oer the weeks, and I'e managed to de#ide on two
students who I will re;uest to go."
-h. I wouldn't be #hosen, of #ourse, be#ause it had to be a senior. It
always was. If we #ouldn't een apply%
"'nd I'm pleased to announ#e that the two students I'e de#ided on
are ?a#h and 9ummer."
!he #lass laun#hed into halfhearted applause and =ake Hollis said,
"0ig surprise," before subsiding again. I rolled my eyes. ?a#h, of
#ourse, he was a senior and #learly good at the sub&e#t 1 and
9ummer. Summer)
$e)
Ms 0lake wanted me to go to 9eattle)
(ith -ach)
I turned around and stared at him, feeling both flattered and utterly
horrified.
?a#h was also looking at me with mu#h the same e7pression, but
when I looked at him, it anished into a #yni#al little smirk.
Ms 0lake gae me an e7pe#tant smile. I had no idea what she was
e7pe#ting 1 maybe for me to throw my books in the air and yell out my
thanks) "Ms 0lake," I almost gasped instead. "I 1 I can't."
Ms 0lake looked taken aba#k. "9ummer, this is an e7#ellent opp 1"
"I know," I said, ery hurriedly. "0ut 1 I hae, like, family stuff, and 1"
"!hink about it, all right)" Ms 0lake interrupted #oolly. "=ust think
about it."
I nodded een though there was no way in hell I would a#tually agree
to go.
"+ou will not beliee what I &ust did," =a22 said proudly.
(e were on the phone, me walking home 1 "athan had offered a ride
but I'd refused be#ause I'd wanted to talk to =a22 1 and =a22 #utting
last period at 8inbury 4ubli#. I had told her about the Mr Caldwell-
=immy #onne#tion the moment I'd found out and she'd said she would
take #are of it. "(hat)" I wanted to know.
"(ell, I #alled up =immy's number from a pay phone." I #ould
pra#ti#ally hear her beaming. "'nd I said, 'Is this Mr Caldwell)' 'nd he
said yes! 9um, /o7anne is doing him 1 there's no doubt about it!"
"-h, my $od," I said. "ot that I hadn't been e7pe#ting it to be Mr
Caldwell, it was &ust%
/o7anne really was #apable of anything, wasn't she) I #ouldn't help
e7perien#ing a tiny surge of unwilling admiration for her.
'fter mutually de#iding that =a22 and I would figure out what to do
with the information later, I pushed the door of my house open and
stepped in, win#ing as I reali2ed that Hadley was shrieking like a
banshee in the kit#hen.
"+ou took my beer in the fridge, I know you did!" she s#reamed. "$ie
the fu#king thing ba#k or I'll fu#k you up so bad you'll neer take
anything from anyone again!"
"+ou're drunk. $o to bed." Mi#hael's oi#e. Calm. *ismissie.
9ma#king of my father's.
I strode towards the kit#hen &ust in time to see him dodge a #ookie #an
aimed at him. Hadley was standing on the kit#hen #ounter looking like
a wounded tiger prote#ting her young. Mi#hael stood upright in the
#orner, e7pressionless.
"Hadley," I said. I had neer taken a#tie part in a fight before, and my
oi#e wobbled. "Hads, you're going to hurt yourself if you don't%"
Hadley turned flashing eyes on me. "(ell, if it isn't Miss I'm-9o-Mu#h-
0etter-!han-+ou 9ummer," she sneered. "9o you'e finally de#ided to
pay attention to us, huh) (hat does the family hae to gie you for it
1 a blow &ob)"
I almost reeled. (as that what my family thought) !hat I didn't #are
about them &ust be#ause I didn't take part in their fights) 0ut I took
#are of them, I did eerything I did for them!
"8eae 9ummer out of this." Mi#hael's e7pression #hanged slightly. He
almost frowned.
"+eah, why would I!" Hadley yelled. "=ust be#ause she's your sister)
+ou think you're so mu#h better than me, don't you, &ust be#ause you
#an go to Hah-ahd and I #an't fu#king 1"
"9top it!" said 'nn's oi#e. My stepmother #ame rushing down the
stairs into the kit#hen. "=ust stop it, all of you, please 1"
"-r what, you stupid bit#h)" Hadley spat.
"Hadley!" 'nn looked as though she'd been slapped. Her fa#e
#rumpled> her eyes looked a#ant.
'nd that was when the doorbell rang.
I almost ran for the door. I wanted to get out of there and run to my
room and hide like I always did be#ause I #ouldn't handle this, I &ust
couldn't%
I e7pe#ted *ad or the postman or maybe the twins home from so##er
pra#ti#e and #heerleading to be standing there. How #ould I possibly
e7pe#t anyone else when nobody eer isited my new home)
It was ?a#h.
It took almost a full minute for my brain to register who it was. (hen it
did, the bottom dropped out of my stoma#h.
"What)" I gasped out, both in sho#k and in fear.
?a#h looked at me #oolly. "+ou told me to #ome to your house and
#he#k out your family on 9aturday, didn't you) (ell, I #ouldn't do
9aturday. (hat's for dinner)"
I almost burst out laughing. (as the unierse fu#king kidding me)
"I'm sorry," I said #almly, een though I felt hysteri#al. "# #an't do
today."
?a#h #rossed his arms oer his #hest. "'fraid to let me inside, (ard)"
I shrugged. "+eah. I am."
?a#h didn't seem to hae e7pe#ted that, from the way he looked taken
aba#k for &ust a fra#tion of a se#ond. !hen he looked impatient. "It's a
fair trade-off, 9ummer. +ou get to see how fu#ked up my family is
eerytime you babysit my sister, don't you) 9o why don't I get to see
how happy yours is for on#e)"
-n#e again, I felt hysteri#al laughter bubbling up inside of me. He
thought my family was happy) His family was like the fu#king Full
!ouse family #ompared to mine!
"!his is a really bad time," I said.
0ut before I #ould shut the door in his fa#e, ?a#h sprang into a#tion
and nudged me inside so ;ui#kly that I #ouldn't blo#k him. He had the
adantage of surprise, and before my senses #ould rea#t, he was
already on his way to the kit#hen. I #ould do nothing but follow> I felt
paraly2ed with fear, almost numb with dread.
?a#h $ellar was in my house.
It sounds ridi#ulous, right) My house wasn't the den of the !aliban,
after all. 0ut that's how it felt.
"?a#h," I said faintly. "4lease."
!hat was all I #ould say before Hadley's shrieking, whi#h had ;uieted
down for a se#ond, be#ame ery audible again.
"I don't fu#king get why you always take his side!" she bawled. "+ou
know why he took my beer) +ou know why) 0e#ause he wants it! He
always a#ts like su#h a prig 1"
It seemed ridi#ulously #omi# that they were fighting oer a #an of beer,
but I #ouldn't laugh.
"Hadley, please don't say things like that to your brother 1"
"Stepbrother, you whore!"
!hree things happened at on#e. ?a#h stopped at the entran#e of the
kit#hen, and I stopped too, almost #olliding into him. 'nn raised her
hand and slapped Hadley, hard, on the fa#e. Immediately she ba#ked
away, looking een more sho#ked than her daughter. 'nd *ad #ame
barreling in through the front door, pushed past me and ?a#h 1 didn't
he #are that there was a stranger in his kit#hen) *idn't any of them
#are) 1 and stopped in front of Hadley.
"4lease," I said to nobody in parti#ular. I had a dim feeling that my
#heeks felt wet.
"$et out," said *ad with #old finality to Hadley.
"6u#k you," Hadley responded blithely.
*ad looked at her with the #ustomary steel in his eyes. "I'e had it with
you, Hadley," he said i#ily. "+ou are liing on my in#ome, I would like
to remind you. +ou don't hae the right to behae with su#h wild
abandon. I'e put up with it for a long time 1"
"(hat are you, a fu#king lawyer) *on't read me my rights, you
asshole!" Hadley retaliated. "I'll tell you what gies me the right to do
whateer I want to do in our house, 6rank 1 the fa#t that you ,ucked
my mother!"
"Hadley," 'nn whispered. !here were tears #oursing down her #heeks.
I didn't really blame her.
"'nd soon we'll be getting dior#ed," said *ad ;uietly.
' sho#ked, all-too-brief silen#e fell upon the room. 'nn leaned on the
kit#hen #ounter, her fa#e old and grey. Hadley took one look at her,
saw that *ad's announ#ement was true, and let loose.
9he grabbed three glasses from the table and tossed them in ;ui#k
su##ession at the wall. 's they shattered into a thousand pie#es, she
grabbed a glass plate and let it fly at *ad.
I waited, my heart in my mouth, eerything seeming to moe in slow
motion, as he du#ked and the plate smashed into the floor.
!hen I whirled around and started to run.
I didn't want to know what was happening, I didn't #are what ?a#h was
doing, I didn't know what to do. I didn't stop running until I rea#hed
?a#h's park ben#h and then I flung myself down on it and did
something #ompletely alien<
I buried my fa#e in my hands and I started to #ry in big, heaing sobs.
"9ummer," ?a#h's oi#e said raggedly.
"6u#k off,' I #roaked. ,en at that moment, I didn't want him to see me
#rying.
"9ummer," ?a#h said again. He sounded, for him, impossibly
ulnerable. "I'm sorry."
!hat sho#ked me enough to make me look up. I felt a i#ious
satisfa#tion with the shell-sho#ked e7pression on his fa#e. 6or on#e,
he didn't look bored or indifferent.
"+ou're sorry," I snarled. "(ow, ?a#h. +ou apologiCed to me. I'm
honoured!"
?a#h looked desperately, un#hara#teristi#ally unsure of himself. I
#ould see the effort it had taken for him to wren#h out the apology, but
I wasn't the tiniest bit interested in appre#iating that. He swallowed. "I
shouldn't hae 1"
"+ou shouldn't hae done anything you'e eer done to me!" I felt raw
and e7posed. "+ou wanted to know how happy my family is. (ell, I
hope you're satisfied with them, ?a#h, be#ause I'm not!"
?a#h looked down at the ground spee#hlessly.
"9o fu#k you and that san#timonious horse you ride on thinking you're
so wronged, you're so put-upon by your family that you get to play
around with other people's feelings. -kay) -kay!"
?a#h looked up, anger entering his eyes again. "I don't 1"
"+ou want to know why my family is so happy, ?a#h)" (hat se#rets
did we hae from ea#h other anymore) "+ou want to know why I
moed here) +eah, that's be#ause my brother died and my family
apparently died with him! "ot be#ause I'm a so#ial #limber or
interested in "athan 1" I broke off, gasping for breath.
!he anger faded on his fa#e. "9ummer, I 1"
"$o away," I said hoarsely. "4lease, ?a#h, I'm begging you. 4lease
&ust leae me alone."
He rea#hed out as if to tou#h my shoulder, but drew his arm ba#k at
the last possible moment.
He left.



;. 3)lit De&ision
I hurried down the path to the main building, keeping my head bowed.
It was a windy day, and temperatures had dropped oernight>
eerything around me looked #old and sharp and I shiered as the
wind sank i#y teeth into my body through my bla2er. I wasn't used to
the fro2en stillness of the air. "ew +ork wasn't the kind of pla#e you
got any kind of stillness, in fa#t.
"9ummer!"
Most of the students were already inside, en&oying the free #o#oa the
administration started handing out daily towards the beginning of
*e#ember. I raised my head to look at the boy #alling my name and
wondered distantly if ?a#h $ellar en&oyed the #old. It would e7plain a
lot.
"(hat)" I snapped.
"+ou look like shit," he snapped ba#k.
"6ind a mirror," I retorted, then stopped. He did look different. "ot
e7a#tly like he'd been tossing and turning all night long the way I had,
but the e7pression of smug boredom he always wore was dimmed.
"8isten," ?a#h said, stepping s;uarely in front of me. "I'm sorry, all
right) How many times do I hae to tell you that)"
"-h, I don't know, until you get to start belieing I #are, maybe)" I
#rossed my arms oer my #hest.
?a#h's fa#e flared. "+ou looked like you #ared when you started
bawling on that ben#h."
I looked at him in silen#e for a few se#onds. "!hat's low," I managed
finally. ",en for you."
?a#h looked #ontrite almost immediately. "I'm 1"
"'nd let me tell you," I added. "I knew you #ared when you walked
away."
"+ou told me to!" ?a#h protested.
"I'm not blaming you for walking away!" I yelled. "I'm blaming you for
#oming to my house when I told you not to!"
?a#h e7haled loudly. "+es. -kay. !hat was shitty, but%"
"'nd for your information," I said, "I wasn't 'bawling' for you. Maybe
you're a selfish emotionless bastard, but see, I want to #ry when I see
my family disintegrate, you know) It's &ust a weakness, maybe, maybe
strong people like you wouldn't 1"
"9ummer, listen to me!" ?a#h shouted.
I stopped talking and glared at him. "+ou hae no fu#king right to yell
at me!"
"I'm sorry, okay)" ?a#h yelled, ignoring me. "I'm sorry, I really am 1"
I knew that if I stood there I would break down again and I knew I
#ouldn't let myself, not in front of a heartless asshole who #ouldn't
possibly understand where I #ame from. 9o I did e7a#tly what ?a#h
was so good at doing<
I turned around and walked away, not stopping until I was inside the
#o#oa-smelling warmth of the main hall%
(hi#h was when I walked bang into "athan.
He rea#hed out to steady me almost automati#ally, and my stoma#h
whooshed at the feeling of his hands and body on mine. "Hey!" he
said when he saw who he'd banged into.
"Hey," I said, and then I burst into tears.
Moments later, I was leaning against the wall, my body shaking so
hard with sobs that I #ould barely breathe. I #rossed my arms oer my
#hest and heaed and shook and sobbed, #ompletely unable to
#ontrol myself een though I was supposedly good at doing so. I didn't
want "athan to see me #ry this way 1 I still didn't trust him enough 1
but I &ust #ouldn't help myself anymore.
"-h, my $od," "athan said, genuine alarm in his oi#e. "I'm sorry I
banged into you 1 I should'e been wat#hing 1"
"It's not that!" I pra#ti#ally hollered out through great big wra#king
sobs.
!here was a silen#e, pun#tuated by my tears and "athan's breathing.
It wouldn't be so bad to spend the whole day like this, I refle#ted. I
wouldn't hae to deal with anything or sole any problems 1 I #ould
&ust be my age and #ry my heart out and%it was ni#e to hae "athan
there with me, it was. 'fter a moment I felt his hand on my ba#k. It
didn't &ust feel like his hand 1 it felt like his whole personality, #alm and
soothing, was rubbing my ba#k. "eer had "athan's een temper
seemed so attra#tie.
"Hey," he said gently, still rubbing my ba#k. "Hey, hey, hey."
I looked up at him with oerflowingly watery eyes. I raised my fist to
wipe away my tears, but it was futile 1 one tear wiped away, another
one took its pla#e immediately.
"I'm 1 sorry," I snuffled, for making him late for first period. 'nd then I
started #rying again.
"9hut up. Here." ' whoosh of hair hit the spot on my ba#k he'd been
rubbing and I missed his hand with ridi#ulous intensity, but then I felt
something soft being pressed into my palm. I looked down at the
ob&e#t in silen#e. It did not, for some reason, surprise me that "athan
(ellington #arried around a #lean blue handker#hief.
"+ou don't 1 need to 1" It o##urred to me that now I was really
behaing like a damsel in distress.
"I'm not doing anything," "athan said softly, pla#ing his hand on my
ba#k again.
I rubbed angrily at my fa#e with my palm, holding the handker#hief
away from me with my other hand. "+es, you are. +ou're being a
goddamned knight in shining armour again."
""o, I'm not." "athan's oi#e was hypnoti#ally #alm now. I wondered if
he was a hypnotist on the sly. It would e7plain a lot. "I'm being a
friend. 6riends do ni#e things for ea#h other. !hey een help ea#h
other sometimes. ' lot. (hat's wrong with that)"
"I wouldn't know," I mumbled. I sounded #hurlish, whi#h was not how I
wanted to sound. "/o7anne hasn't e7a#tly let me make a whole lot of
friends here." 'nd my friends ba#k in "ew +ork, I reali2ed suddenly,
hadn't e7a#tly been my biggest support. I was the one wh did things
for them. I remebered staying up till four am letting /a#hael #ry on my
shoulder the night her first serious boyfriend dumped her and then
blowing an important #hem test Fone she'd a#ed be#ause she was
naturally good at the sub&e#tG the ne7t day. (here had /a#hael been
when Curtis dumped me) 'nd had Curtis eer #ut first period For, what
was more important to him, basketball pra#ti#eG to be with me when I
needed a handker#hief to sob into) F$ranted, those times had been
few and far betweenG. "o, it was my family who'd always been my
personal #heerleading s;uad, and where was it now)
!he reali2ation that I was angry at pra#ti#ally the entire world didn't
e7a#tly make me stop #rying and dan#e around. I burst into fresh
tears instead, and for on#e I did absolutely nothing but wallow in
ab&e#t self-pity.
"It doesn't seem like you want any," "athan said.
"(ant any what)" I sobbed.
"athan took his handker#hief from my hand and thrust it into my fa#e.
"3se it," he ordered. (hen I #omplied, he returned his hand to my
ba#k. "8ook. 9in#e the first time I'e seen you you'e been this #yni#al
#losed-off girl looking like all she wants is to go through life without
wasting time on any human being. I mean, you'e shown me that
you're worth getting to know 1 but the moment anyone glimpses
something human in you, you &ump to #lose yourself off. +ou know)
+ou're funny and smart, but you seem to be so independent that you
don't want to to make friends. Hell, that's what you tell people."
I glared at him, tears forgotten. "!hat didn't stop you from stalking me,
did it)"
He sighed. "*o you want me to e7plain why again)"
""o," I muttered, sliding down the wall until I was sitting on the floor.
"My point is," "athan said, sliding down ne7t to me, "if you want
friends, all you hae to do is 1 I don't know 1 show whoeer you want
to make friends with the less intimidating side of you." He grinned.
"!hey won't be able to resist it."
I blushed. "I neer said I want to make friends," I said, to hide my
blush.
"9o I'm enough as a friend)" "athan's tone was teasing.
"+es," I said honestly. I turned my fa#e to look at him. "If I sounded
dis#ontented when I said that thing about no friends here, it was
be#ause%" I swallowed. 6riends. "athan was my friend. 6riends told
ea#h other stuff. "I was thinking of my friends ba#k in Manhattan. !hey
weren't 1" I felt disloyal and frightened, but I wanted to tell him. "!hey
weren't as great as I thought. I &ust didn't reali2e it until I #ame here."
"!hat's the thing about life, isn't it)" "athan said. "+ou sometimes go
through it without reali2ing that what's in it mayn't be enough for you,
or right, or as great as it #ould be if you 1 #hanged &ust a few things."
I nodded. ",ither that," I said hollowly, "or you go through it without
reali2ing how ama2ing it is until it's snat#hed away from you." (as I
giing up a #han#e to hae something good at 8inbury be#ause I was
#linging so hard to my past, to my se#rets)
"+eah," "athan said, smiling slightly in agreement.
(e sat there in silen#e for a while. It was ni#e, I thought. It was ni#e to
talk to "athan, it was ni#e to be with him, it was ni#e to see &ust how
ni#e he knew how to be.
"If you're su#h a ni#e guy," I said suddenly, "why'd you let /o7anne
#heat on *erek with you)"
"athan looked at me. "I don't know."
"+ou don't know," I e#hoed.
"9ummer." He shook his head. "!hings aren't as bla#k-and-white as
they seem, you know) I'e always loed /o7anne. 9he didn't #are
about *erek. (e were alone together 1 things &ust happened. 9he
said she'd break up with *erek when he #ame ba#k be#ause she
didn't loe him, we spent a lot of time together, we were &ust best
friends haing a no-strings-atta#hed relationship on the side. -kay)"
I bit my lip. I felt suddenly un#omfortable. Here I was, almost trusting
"athan 1 what if I was out of my depth) It was #lear these kids here
had e7perien#es I would possibly neer hae the guts to sample, een
if I was from the #ity. !hen again, I didn't know anything about "athan
at that point of time. I liked who I knew now. I had no right to &udge
him.
"-kay," I said, giing him an un#ertain smile.
He grinned slightly. "I had all these plans for senior year. I was going
to go all out as the guy I'e been throughout high s#hool 1 get really
inoled with our gang, break hearts, party hard before leaing for
#ollege and breaking away #ompletely. $uess I'm &ust doing it early."
I peered at him. He hadn't e7a#tly been a#ting like a stereotypi#al
Champagne $ang member lately. "=ust be#ause you want to hang out
with me doesn't mean 1"
"It's not that," "athan interrupted. "It's &ust that 1 this isn't e7a#tly what
I eer thought we would do."
"Meaning)"
"Meaning that being a tightly-knit group was supposed to mean
helping ea#h other and taking #are of ea#h other. ot driing away
eeryone else."
I li#ked my lower lip. "-h," I said. I smiled at him. "+ou sound like
you're haing a mid-life #risis."
"athan laughed. "$od, maybe I am. Maybe I'm &ust anal and go
berserk when things I plan don't go the way I want them to."
I shrugged. "I suppose I do too."
!here was more silen#e. "I should probably go wash my fa#e before I
start s#aring freshmen," I said finally.
"athan grinned. "Honestly) +ou'e looked more intimidating. +ou look
more approa#hable now than I'e eer seen you."
I rolled my eyes and borrowed ?a#h's word. "(hateer."
"8et's get out of here," "athan said suddenly.
I raised my eyebrows. "(hat, like hae another #ar pi#ni#)"
He shook his head. ""ah. I mean 1 you look like you #ould use some
home-made #ho#olate #hip #ookies."
I gae him a #onfused look. "2kay%"
"=ust trust me."
'nd so it was that, fifteen minutes later, I found myself standing
outside "athan (ellington's house.
I'd seen it before, of #ourse. 0ut I'd been too angry then to really
register my surroundings. It was a house, I saw now, een bigger than
?a#h's. !he lawns were &ust as well-kept, but 1 and this stru#k me as
hilarious 1 there was a tiny red wagon lying abandoned before the
polished white front door.
"(hat are we doing here, "athan)" I hissed. I did not want to be alone
with him in that enormous house.
"Making you feel better." "athan took my hand and started mar#hing
towards the door.
"-kay, no offen#e, but%I don't think your house is the best pla#e for
me to be in right now." I tried to pull my hand away, but "athan's grip
was strong and sure.
"*on't worry, my mom's home." He nudged the wagon aside with his
foot. "'nd so is my #ousin, from the look of it."
"!hat's not what I 1"
"=ust #ome on." "athan stepped into his house. It was mu#h more
#heerful than ?a#h's> there was far more wood in the foyer than
marble, and an enormous bou;uet of tulips and roses lay on the table
at the end of the foyer. !he liing room was e7pansie and
intimidatingly well-de#orated, but huge bay windows stationed at
tasteful #orners made it sunny. I stepped #loser to "athan almost
un#ons#iously. "+ou okay)" he said, looking down at me.
I nodded mutely.
"I'm home!" "athan lifted his head and hollered. I &umped.
"(ell, hello, but you're not supposed to be!" ' tall woman with sandy
blonde hair and glimmering green eyes as beautiful as "athan's
emerged from a door on our right and looked at us #uriously. 9he
wore a light blue .assar sweatshirt and &eans, whi#h surprised me> if
she was "athan's mom, whi#h I automati#ally assumed she was, why
wasn't she dressed more like /osemary $ellar) "Is it not the middle of
the s#hool day or am I growing old)"
"+ou're growing old and losing your memory, Mom," "athan said with
his easy grin, kissing the woman on the #heek. !hen he took my hand
and pulled me #loser to her. "!his is 9ummer. 9ummer, my Mom.
Mom, we're here be#ause 9ummer needs a mental health day."
"+ou #ertainly look like you do, 9ummer," "athan's mom said, smiling
kindly down at me.
I flushed and did a dorky little wae. "Hey, Mrs (ellington."
"8lease, &ust #all me .i. 9o you and "athan go to s#hool together)"
"athan grinned. "Howeer did you guess, Mom) !he uniform must
gie away more than I thought."
.i gae him a dry look. "(at#h that sar#asm, Mr 9mart 'le#k. How am
I supposed to know whether you're going to s#hool or to a #ostume
party when that uniform of yours is so wrinkled)"
"Is that "athan)" ' woman who looked &ust like .i e7#ept for a large
bump where .i's trim wast was emerged from the door on our right.
"Hey, "atie!"
"Hey, 'unt Charlotte," "athan said, hugging her. "'nd this is why you
should be glad my friend needed a mental health day, Mom 1 I
might'e missed 'unt Charl's isit if she hadn't."
I felt un#omfortable, standing there amongst irtual strangers being
familiar with ea#h other, but I also felt interested> "athan's family was
turning out to be a surprise.
"Mom and *ad put 'le# to sleep," ''unt Charlotte' informed "athan. "I
needed him to sleep." 9he rubbed her stoma#h and turned to smile at
me. "I hae no idea how I'm going to #ope when this one #omes when
I #an barely take #are of myself. Hi, dear. +ou're "athan's friend, aren't
you) +ou hae absolutely gorgeous eyes, has anyone eer told you
that) +ou should think about 1"
"Clearly she's an upset friend," .i interrupted. "Come on in to the
kit#hen and tell us about it."
I wat#hed the two women disappear into our right and looked at
"athan. "(hy am I here)"
"athan shrugged. "I thought it might #heer you up. Mom and Charl are
good at that. (e #an leae if you want, though."
I #onsidered. I liked .i and ''unt Charlotte' een though I didn't ;uite
get them yet. 'nd it was kind of ni#e to be in the midst of what
seemed to be a normal family for a #hange.
"(here's your *ad)" I asked, to buy time.
"(ork. $randparents 1 upstairs with my #ousin 'le#. Mom and Charl
1 in the kit#hen. Me 1 whereer you want me to be right now."
I smiled in spite of myself. "-kay. Come on."
!he door to our right turned out to open into a kit#hen. ' large kit#hen,
with tulips and roses in ases eerywhere and a ni#e smell of butter.
Charl and .i sat on stools in front of a polished bla#k #ounter, pouring
milk into two glass tumblers.
"+ou know, guys," "athan said, "we're old enough to drink soda."
Charlotte gae him a #heerful smile. "*on't be silly, "atie! +ou're a
growing boy! Milk gies you energy and helps you grow!"
"+es, Ma'am." "athan tou#hed my arm. "If you don't like milk 1"
"+ou hae to drink it anyway," .i informed me.
"Mom," "athan protested.
"I like milk," I hastened to say.
"$ood girl," .i said, smiling at me proudly.
I pulled up a stool and sat tentatiely ne7t to "athan, smiling at his
mom and aunt. "+ou hae a really ni#e house, Mrs 1 .i."
"(hy, thank you, 9ummer," .i said, &ust as Charlotte said, "I like you,
9ummer, you're polite. Is she really &ust your friend, "atie) I mean,
you'e neer brought a friend to your mother before. It's okay if there's
some puppy loe going on here, she's a ni#e girl 1"
"Charl!" .i said. 9he smiled at me kindly. "Ignore her, dear, it's the
hormones talking. 9he's had si7 pa#kets of sugar in the last ten
minutes."
6eeling heat #olour my entire body, I looked at "athan out of the
#orner of my eye. !o my surprise 1 no, astonishment 1 he was doing
the same thing I was< blushing.
!alk about the eighth wonder of the world.
"8isten, "athan," .i said suddenly. "It's all ery well you #ut s#hool
today, but don't go making a habit out of it, understand)"
"athan took a sip of his milk. "+ou wound me by suspe#ting anything
else, Mother," he said in a bad 00C-news#aster impersonation. It
made me smile to myself.
"9o, 9ummer." .i pushed a plate of what looked like the world's
largest butter pe#an #ookies towards me. "!ell me what's wrong,
sweetheart. (hy the red eyes and the doleful e7pression)"
I bit nerously into a #ookie. "athan gae me a reassuring if slightly
thin smile. !ime fro2e. 'nd then, I didn't know why, I found myself
saying, "I found out that my father's deserting his se#ond wife."
.i raised her eyebrows. "athan looked sho#ked. Charlotte #hoked on
the #ookie she was #hewing. It took a minute to reali2e she was
laughing. "!he 8inbury ('94 Cheating 0astard 9yndrome," she
#hoked out. "It's widespread. !hank $od I married an 'ustralian."
.i gae her a worried look. "-h, 9ummer." 9he rea#hed out and
tou#hed my arm. "I'm sorry."
"'#tually, 'unt Charl, it wasn't like that." 3n#ons#iously, I reali2ed, I'd
#alled her ''unt'. I wanted to e7plain myself> but more than that, I
reali2ed, I wanted to%spill my guts for on#e. "My mom died when I
was a kid, and 'nn was like my mom, not &ust *ad's wife. 0ut then%"
My throat #losed. I #ould not, I found, speak about "eil.
"9ummer's from Manhattan," "athan, who had been sitting there with
a fro2en look of sho#k on his fa#e, said suddenly.
"'h," Charlotte said. "!he new girl. I'e heard "athan's friend
/o7anne bit#hing about you. 0ut then she bit#hes a lot. 9o I guess it
isn't the 8inbury 9yndrom after all, Manhattan-$irl-(ith-9urrogate-
Mom."
"Charl," said .i sternly. "9hut up and stuff your fa#e or &ust gie birth
right now."
8ooking miffed, Charlotte snapped her mouth #losed. I felt the
hysteri#al desire to laugh again. !his was 1 this was 1 surreal.
"9o, your stepmother," "athan said softly. "Is there any way you #an
keep being #lose to her een when they split up)"
I opened my mouth and then #losed it again. How on earth #ould I
e7plain to him &ust what my family was like without letting him see for
himself) I didn't een know where to begin. I wasn't sure I wanted to
e7plain, or if I #ould. "I don't know," I said simply.
-n#e again, I felt "athan's hand on my ba#k. -n#e again, I felt
#omforted by it.
"*ior#e isn't a ery ni#e thing for a kid to go through," .i said gently.
"'nd to do it twi#e 1 I'd run away from home if I were you, 9ummer."
"9ummer doesn't do that, do you)" "athan said, grinning. "'nd you
#ouldn't &ust tell me what was wrong all the times I asked you before,
#ould you) Maybe I wouldn't hae been su#h an ass. I mean, I
probably would'e been, but at least I'd hae been a ni#er ass 1"
"+ou weren't all that bad," I said. It was a liberating thing to say. I felt
happy that I wasn't, after all, so mu#h like *ad. "'nd there's a#tually
more to it, but I #an't talk about it right now."
"*o you hae any #ho#olate, .i)" Charlotte said. "'ll this puppy loe
is making me #rae sugar. (hat am I going to do when my 'le# grows
up)"
"9addle him with me and run away to 'fri#a, probably," .i said dryly. "I
sometimes find it impossible to beliee you're anywhere near my age."
9he rea#hed oer and took my hand again. "9ummer, honey, anytime
you're feeling down about the dior#e, you #ome oer, okay) I'll set up
a dartboard and put a pi#ture of whi#heer family member you're
angriest at in the middle. 'nd there's always #ookies and milk and a
willing ear around. 3nderstand)"
I almost started #rying again, I was so tou#hed by her #on#ern. I liked
.i and Charlotte ery mu#h, I de#ided. !hey were strange and unlike
most adults I'd met, but they were eminently likeable. "!hanks, Mrs
(ellington," I said tearfully.
.i laughed. "(hat did I say about #alling me .i) 'nd it's &ust Miss
9parks."
I blinked, #onfused. "+ou mean 1"
""ope, it's not the 8inbury ('94 syndrome," Charlotte supplied
helpfully, pi#king up a bottle of maple syrup and pouring its #ontents
dire#tly into her mouth. I didn't want to look away but I managed to.
"9ee, "athan's father and I neer married," .i e7plained #heerfully.
"(e were #hildhood sweethearts, but I got pregnant and de#ided to
lie on my father instead of going to #ollege, so%"
I blinked again, still more #onfused.
"0asi#ally, it's like /oss and /a#hel, and "atie's a male ,mma,"
Charlotte said through the maple syrup.
I looked at "athan. He didn't look the slightest bit embarrassed. "Mom
and *ad lie together be#ause both sets of my grandparents are best
friends with ea#h other. (e all lie together, a#tually."
I blinked for the third time.
"0asi#ally, .i and "at the 6irst argue about eerything, and .i's been
seeing this painter asshole #alled /aine for fifteen years, so they're
&ust not into the marriage thing," Charlotte gushed.
I nodded. !here was really no other way to respond. "athan's family
was een weirder than mine, and I liked that.
"(ell, now that 9ummer seems to be feeling better, mental health day
oer." .i wrapped her arms around me, and although I disliked being
hugged by strangers, I didn't mind too mu#h. "$ood lu#k, you two."
"athan and I droe ba#k to s#hool in #ompanionable silen#e. (hen
we were at the gates, I said, "I like your family."
He smiled. "'unt Charl's #ra2y. 'lways has been." His smile faded.
"9ummer)"
"+eah)"
"I neer said I was a ni#e guy."
I stared at him. "(hat)"
"+ou asked me why I would let /o7anne #heat on her boyfriend with
me if I'm a ni#e guy. I'm not a ni#e guy. I'e neer been a ni#e guy. 0ut
that doesn't mean I'm not a good guy. I'e done things nobody would
be proud of, but that doesn't automati#ally make me a bad guy to the
#ore. =ust wanted to #lear that up."
I nodded. !hat made sense. I didn't een know if I wanted him to be a
ni#e guy as long as he was a good one> but I did know that nobody
#ould eer #all "athan (ellington a ni#e guy. He was%
,ntirely too hot to be one.
"-kay," I said.
He didn't smile. "8isten, if you eer want to talk or anything%"
"I know," I said. 'nd then I leaned oer and hugged him, surprising
myself.
"!hank you," I said before letting go.
0usiness, I reminded myself as I walked ba#k into s#hool, feeling
strangely shaken by the hug. 9o what if "ahan had unreseredly
shown me his home and his family) Maybe that wasn't as big a deal
as ?a#h and I appeared to make it. Maybe this was still &ust business.
I #ouldn't be sure it wasn't for him, and it #ertainly was for me.
,7#ept%
(hat if it wasn't)
"Hi, darling!" /osemary $ellar greeted me with an enormous smile as
she #ame rushing down the foyer in pearls and a bla#k #ashmere
sweater set, eidently ready to leae for her 6riday-eening high tea
with the rest of the members of the 8inbury 8et's-0it#h-'bout--ur-
Husbands-0e#ause-!hey-*on't-(ant-3s-'nymore group. "!hank
goodness you're here, I'm running a little late 1 !alia's in the den, &ust
go to her now so I won't hae to risk a tantrum saying good-bye,
would you) !hanks, dear!"
I had #onsidered not #oming to babysit !alia today. 0ut remembering
that ?a#h had been absent last week after I'd gotten down to it, I
de#ided I had to. I made my way slowly to the less formal liing room
ne7t to the a#tual one that /osemary #alled a 'den' be#ause it
featured a sleek IC-in#h flat-s#reen plasma !., three plush #ou#hes,
a bar, a pop#orn-maker, a *.*-player, and the entire #ontents of a
9een-,leen in a giganti# fridge in lieu of marble statues and elet-
draped #ou#hes. !alia was sitting on the #arpeted floor with what
looked like the makeup set I'd gien her arranged #arefully in front of
her.
"9ummer!" she #ried eagerly. "Come oer here and help me gie you
a makeoer!"
I hated the kid then, really I did. "How about we do that in a bit) I hae
a surprise for you."
!hat was when the door to the den opened again and ?a#h $ellar
stepped in. "+ou're really good at bribing her, aren't you)" he said
sardoni#ally.
I knew it would be unprofessional of me to s;uabble with him in front
of !alia, but $od, I hated him then too. "(hat are you doing here)"
"I lie here," ?a#h said.
"+ou didn't really use that fa#t to hang out with your baby sister last
week," I pointed out.
!alia, who'd been wat#hing us with in#reasing impatien#e, stamped
her foot on the floor and burst out, "I want my surprise now!"
I tore my eyes away from ?a#h, de#iding to ignore him. "Here." I
handed !alia the *.* #ontaining a bun#h of episodes of &hat's So
Raven, ,ri#a's faourite *isney show. I'd figured that getting !alia into
*isney would be praiseworthy> een &hat's So Raven would be more
edu#ational than playing +imbo +arbie takes Dgly +abysitter to
$akeover !eaven again.
"(hat's this)" !alia looked disappointed but mildly interested
neertheless.
"It's the story of a pretty girl #alled /aen who 1" *isgregarding the
psy#hi# powers storyline, I #ontinued, "(ho's ery good at, um,
fashion designing."
!alia pouted thoughtfully and then ran to the *.* player with the
*.*. I looked at ?a#h, who had flung himself down on one of the
#ou#hes. "4lease leae," I said ;uietly.
"!his is my house," ?a#h said.
"I #an't understand why you would want to stay."
He looked at me for a few se#odns before saying formally, "I'm going
to stay until you a##ept my apology for intruding on your pria#y when
I shouldn't hae."
I felt my &aw drop. "-h, my $od," I said in#redulously. ""ow een this
is about you, isn't it)"
?a#h frowned. "!hat's not what I 1"
"I don't get how you manage to be so selfish."
"9ummer," ?a#h said with a ;uiet groan.
"-kay, you know what) I a##ept your apology. I do. 'nd now you #an
leae with that ego of yours and your #ons#ien#e satisfied, so please
do 1"
",7#use me, I'm trying to wat#h !. here," !alia said impatiently.
"9ummer," ?a#h said again. "=ust stop taking out your anger on what's
happening to your family on me, okay) I didn't do anything but a##ept
that initation you gae me last wekk!"
"+es, you did," I hissed. "I told you not to #ome in, you didn't listen,
and I'm not taking out my anger on you, that's what you do 1"
"How was I supposed to know 1"
"+ou didn't hae to know! +ou #ould &ust hae respe#ted my wishes
and stayed away, #onsidered maybe I had my reasons for not wanting
you to #ome in 1"
"I don't see why it's su#h a big deal!"
I sanpped my mouth #losed. ?a#h had &umped to his feet. "46#use
me)"
"(hat e7a#tly do you think I would do) 9pread your se#rets all oer
!hornton) !ell /o7anne)"
"9he's your friend!" I yelled. "'nd 1 and maybe I &ust didn't want you to
know things about me! (hy #an't you eer respe#t other people's
feelings)"
"Hel-lo!" !alia shouted. "&rying to watch here!"
"6u#k you," ?a#h snapped at her. !alia's eyes widened.
"*on't #urse in front of her, you ass, she's a kid!" I yelled at ?a#h.
"I'm right here!" !alia yelled at me.
!here was a few se#onds' silen#e. !alia turned around to look at the
s#reen again. ?a#h settled ba#k on the #ou#h, breathing hard. I
#rossed my arms oer my #hest and sat down on another #ou#h.
"9ummer," ?a#h said.
"(hat)" I responded automati#ally.
"I'm 1" He looked at the floor, his fa#e sulky. "I wouldn't hae told 1 I
wouldn't hae said anything to /o7anne be#ause I 1" He looked like
he was trying to swallow #um. "(e're not really friends anymore, and I
1 I respe#t what you'e had to 1 $od, you know what I mean!"
I looked at him, feeling my anger seep out of me, making me feel
weak and on the erge of #ollapse. (ho #ared, really) (ho #ared that
he knew my brother was dead and my family was fu#ked up) (hose
family wasn't fu#ked up, e7#ept possibly for "athan's) (ho #ared
about anything, anyone at 8inbury)
"?a#h," I said.
He dug his nails 1 he had unkempt-looking nails, finishing off long
white fingers, with the pinkie on his right hand ragged and dirty and
strangely, this did not digust me 1 into his leg through his &eans. "Can
we &ust fu#king forget it)"
"(hat," I said, ignoring him, "do you want from me, ?a#h)"
?a#h stared down at the tear on his &eans. I waited, e7pe#ting him to
say something along the lines of, "I want you to leae me alone."
Instead, he said, "I don't know."
I gaped at him. Had he a#tually passed up an opportunity to insult the
#rap out of me) "+ou don't know)"
He gae me an annoyed look. "I don't know eerything, you know."
"+ou 1 you 1" I floundered for something to say. "+ou seem to think
you do," I said finally.
He s#owled. "+eah, so) You've neer seemed to think I do.'
I threw up my hands in the air. "I #an't believe this."
"(hat do you want)" ?a#h said #onersationally, as though we were
dis#ussing the pros and #ons of landing up in a library #ontaining
books only by 'meri#an authors.
I felt my &aw drop. !o say that I was flabbergasted would be an
understatement. Had -ach .ellar &ust asked me what # wanted)
"(ant)" I said, a little faintly.
"+eah," ?a#h said impatiently. "(hat do you want from me)"
"You want to know what # want from you," I deadpanned.
?a#h rolled his eyes. "(hat are you, retarded)" he wanted to know.
""o, I &ust 1" !his was the perfe#t opportunity for me to tell him that I
wanted nothing from him but the #ourtesy to leae me alone. 0ut that,
I suddenly reali2ed, wasn't the truth. I didn't know ;uite how it had
happened, but somewhere along the way, I'd stopped hating ?a#h
$ellar from the bottom of my heart and started%tolerating him. "I want
a tru#e."
"' tru#e," ?a#h repeated, raising his eyebrows.
"+eah," I said, nodding igorously. "I want a tru#e. I don't mean I want
to be friends with you, be#ause I don't. 0ut we do hae to #oe7ist in a
small town and a small s#hool, and hell, a small ,nglish #lass 1 it
would &ust be kind of #onenient if we didn't #ompletely hate ea#h
other 1"
"I don't hate you," ?a#h interrupted #almly.
I felt as if he'd laun#hed the fridge full of the #ontents of a 9een-
,leen into my gut. "+ou don't)" I almost gasped out.
?a#h shrugged. ""o. +ou don't bore me, you're not predi#table, and
you like some of the things I like. I guess%" His oi#e took on a
slightly grudging ;uality. "I guess you're starting to grow on me, kid."
"It's 9ummer," I said feebly, be#ause I really didn't know what else to
say. I felt rooted to the spot, #ompletely transfi7ed.
"I'm not saying you don't still annoy me," ?a#h said stiffly.
I looked at him, feeling a ;ui#k flash of anger, een though a moment
ago the fa#t that I 'annoyed' ?a#h had been an a##epted fa#t. "-h, #
annoy you) +ou're the one who barged into my house without my
permission!"
"+ou're the one who keeps going on and on about it!" ?a#h said,
sounding frustrated.
"(ell, you're the one who went on and on about your goddamned
ben#h and then insulted me be#ause I was #rying on it!" I reali2ed how
#hildish I sounded the moment the words left my lips.
"I'm not good with #rying girls, okay) 6orgie me for not being
sensitive like your new boyfriend "athan! 'nd you're the one who
insinuated that "athan and I hae a gay relationship!"
"I #an't beliee that bothered you!" I almost wanted to laugh. "+ou're
the one who tried to drie me away from the library when I needed it!"
"+ou're the one who 1" ?a#h stopped suddenly.
"+ou're the one who took me to 9nellwood and then &ust ki 1 &ust
abandoned me there! +ou're the one who made it sound like we spent
an entire weekend together doing $od knows what when you 1 you're
the one who 1" I stopped &ust as abruptly, reali2ing that bringing up the
time he'd asked for a hotter waitress at 0ig Happy 6amily would be
beyond patheti#.
(e looked at ea#h other for a while. I #rossed my arms oer my #hest.
?a#h slumped into his #ou#h.
"I #an't beliee we're doing this again," I said finally.
?a#h ;uirked an eyebrow. "+eah, this tru#e thing doesn't seem to be
working ery well, does it)"
-h, what was the point) ?a#h and I &ust kept going round and round in
#ir#les. (hat was the point of a tru#e, what was the point of talking at
all when all we did was end up arguing)
"Maybe we should &ust leae ea#h other alone, or something," I
suggested, half-heartedly.
"Maybe," ?a#h said. I tried not to feel absurdly disappointed that he'd
agreed. "-r maybe%"
I looked at him. He was staring at his &eans again, twisting the denim
round and round his long inde7 finger with a refle#tie look on his
fa#e. "Maybe what)" I said, then win#ed at how strangely eager my
oi#e sounded.
"Maybe we're &ust the kind of people who fight all the time," ?a#h said,
that grudging ;uality ba#k in his oi#e. ",en if we don't ne#essarily
loathe ea#h other."
I s#offed. "6riend's don't fight all the time. 4eople who agree een the
least bit don't fight all the time."
"=ust be#ause you and athan don't%" ?a#h's oi#e trailed off silkily.
I looked at him, annoyed. "(ould you stop bringing "athan up all the
time) (hy do you hate him so mu#h anyway)"
?a#h's fa#e #losed off. "It isn't any of your business."
"+eah, well, it wasn't any of your business what my family's like
either," I sniped.
?a#h s#owled. "(ould you stop bringing that up all the time) I said I
was sorry."
I let my #hin drop onto my knee. "(hateer."
"9o," ?a#h said #asually, after a pause, "you going to 9eattle)"
I lifted my head from my knee and stared at him, taken aba#k on#e
more. "+ou want me to #ome)"
?a#h shrugged. "0etter you than 'mber Magdalene." His oi#e took
on a high-pit#hed, oerly eager tone. "-h, Ms 0lake, may I li#k your
boots, please) May I #lean up your sheets after eery se7ual
en#ounter you hae) I'll be so happy to do it if it helps me get into
0rown! I want to brown-nose my way into 0rown, Ms 0lake, will you
re#ommend me if I #lean up your house with my spit)"
I snorted a laugh and then immediately felt bad. "9he's not so bad," I
said guiltily. "'t least she #ares about working for things. 3nlike you."
?a#h opened his mouth and then #losed it again. "(hateer," he
muttered. "9o I take it you don't want to go."
I thought about it. 9eattle. I'd been to the (est Coast on#e before, but
I didn't really want to think about that time. I had, most importantly,
neer been to 9eattle. It would definitely be good to get away from
8inbury, but%did I want to go with ?a#h when we didn't een hae a
#lear-#ut tru#e yet) He #ould be funny, and I did, if I was honest with
myself, en&oy his #ompany. It was%stimulating. He seemed to be
rela7ing around me a little, didn't he) 9o what if he was still a total
asshole) 9o what if our relationship was pra#ti#ally the same it had
been last week) 9o what if%
"I'll go," I blurted out, &ust to shut my brain up.
'nd then I felt a sudden sense of pride be#ause I'd a#tually made a
de#ision in less than ten se#onds.
"+ou will)" ?a#h looked at me skepti#ally.
"+es," I said, and I #ould not keep myself from giing him a huge
smile. "I will.""I'm staring," ?a#h announ#ed.
I looked at him oer the top of &he 0ord o, &he Rings, the only book in
my #olle#tion I'd deemed fat enough to o##upy me an entire weekend
full of sitting in planes and airports and buses for long periods at a
time. I was kind of a fast reader. "I'm reading," I said.
"I'm staring," ?a#h repeated, ignoring my remark like the oergrown
kid he was.
I rolled my eyes. (e had been sitting in the departure lounge of
8inbury 'irport for oer two hours after #he#king in be#ause our flight
to 9eattle was late. I'd had to wake up at si7 in the morning to leae
home on time 1 Mi#hael was the only one I said good-bye to, not
#ounting "athan on the phone the night before and Ms 0lake this
morning 1 and the wait was making me #ranky. "I offered you
#ho#olate #hip #ookies like an hour ago. +ou said no so I finished
them. /emember)"
"I wasn't hungry then," ?a#h said matter-of-fa#tly. "(hat kind of kid
#arries 1 what did you #all them 1 backup snacks 1 around anyway)"
"I'm not a kid," I started hotly, then stopped myself and shrugged. "I
#arry ba#kup everything on &ourneys 1 sweaters, umbrellas, food,
books, water 1 you get kind of used to it when you lie with a lot of
people who'd probably forget to pa#k #otton #lothes when they'd go to
'ustralia from the "orth 4ole 1"
?a#h smirked. "+ou're anal," he said. "ot in a mean way, though. "ot
like he meant it.
"!hank you, Mr Complimentary," I muttered, sti#king &he 0ord o, &he
Rings in front of my fa#e again.
"9o," ?a#h said, after a pause. His tone was so #onersational that I
looked at him e7pe#ting him to talk about the weather. "I'm staring,"
was what he said instead.
I #ouldn't help letting out an e7asperated #hu#kle. "+ou're getting on
my neres, ?a#h."
"(ell, my hunger is getting on mine, okay)" ?a#h s#owled.
"9o get something to eat!" I resisted the urge to lob my heay book at
his fa#e.
"I don't want to go alone, and I want #offee," he said sulkily.
"+ou really seem to be #oeting my #ompany lately." He didn't rea#t to
my #omment, &ust looked impatient. I sighed and slid my book into my
ba#kpa#k. Come to think of it, a M#6lurrys 1 a #old mint-#hip one 1
didn't sound too bad. I drank #offee when I badly needed a bu22 1
better #affeine than al#ohol or ni#otine, I reasoned 1 but something
like i#e-#ream &ust tasted to mu#h better. "!here's a M#*onald's
nearby, right)"
"!he #af@ there has better #offee," ?a#h said, nodding to my right.
I stared at 0ig Happy 6amily, feeling suddenly #old as I 2ipped my
ba#kpa#k shut. I told myself I was being ridi#ulous to dread going in
ther eso mu#h. 9o what if I'd sort of been fired from it) !he manager
wasn't going to #hase a #ustomer out of there. 0esides, my new &ob%
"*o you need to plan and organi2e how to walk there)" ?a#h en;uired
a#idly.
I gae him an annoyed look. "I used to work there."
His thi#k dark eyebrows shot up. "I thought you were from
Manhattan."
It irked me that he didn't remember the time I'd sered him #offee in
there when I did. (as I that forgettable) (as he that unforgettable)
"I moed here this summer," I pointed out. "$ot this &ob right then. In
fa#t, I%" I stopped, again refusing to go into the Hotter (aitress
In#ident.
"(hat happened, you got fired)"
""ope." He had to know I wasn't the kind of person who got fired. "If
you must know, your dear friend /o7anne showed up there, tossed
hot li;uid on herself, and #laimed I'd done it. 9he also had the
foresight to be buddy-buddy with the manager from before."
?a#h smirked again. "It &ust kills me that you and my dear friend
/o7anne look out for ea#h other's health so mu#h and all."
"(ell, hello, Holden Caulfield," I said drily, regretting the fa#t that I'd
told him in Ms 0lake's #ar on our way to the airport that my new
faourite book was &he "atcher #n &he Rye. "Can we &ust get this oer
with)" I added to stae off another heated dis#ussion about the book
ersus &o 3ill % $ockingbird/
!here was something different in being with ?a#h today, I thought as I
followed him hesitantly into 0ig Happy 6amily. (e were still fighting
but the genuine anger, the bitterness, seemed to hae seeped out of
it. I was musing happily about this 1 who wanted to be hated) 1 when
?a#h said, "(ant me to throw #offee at your repla#ement)"
I stared at him, startled. !he manager was, thankfully, absent. My
'repla#ement' was a s#rawny boy with #ropped dark blond hair who
was looking kind of harried as he s#rubbed the #ounter. "'re you
serious)" I said to ?a#h.
He nodded. "+eah. -r the manager, if you want that more. (here is
he)"
"?a#h." I was in#redibly tou#hed. !hat was the kindest thing he'd eer
said to me. "!hat's sweet, but you're insane. 8et's &ust get the food,
okay)"
"(hateer," ?a#h mumbled, striding up to the s#rawny kid. 9o he was
a troublemaker and I was a pa#ifist. 8ike I didn't know that already.
?a#h ordered a #hi#ken-and-mushroom ;ui#he and an espresso. I
asked for a strawberry smoothie sin#e I wasn't in need of a #affeine
bu22 and 9#rawny 0oy said the #af@ wasn't selling i#e-#ream and
milkshakes anymore. ?a#h gae me a funny look as we headed to the
table by the windows #lut#hing our booty. "(hat)" I wanted to know.
"I neer thought of you as a strawberry drink kind of person," ?a#h
said bluntly.
I frowned. "(hat is that supposed to mean)"
?a#h shrugged. "I don't know. =ust 1 pink food, pink #lothes, pink
makeup 1 you don't seem to mat#h with the #olour."
I #rossed my arms oer my #hest, feeling ine7pli#ably stung. "(hat,
I'm not feminine enough to wear pink)"
"$od, (ard, &ust drink," ?a#h said, la2ily and patroni2ingly. It infuriated
me. 6or a moment I toyed with the idea of dumping my smoothie on
his head and saying sweetly, "I didn't think you would look so pretty in
pink either." 0ut I didn't, mostly be#ause I didn't hae the guts to.
"+ou're an ass," I #ontented myself with saying. 0efore ?a#h #ould
retort, my #ell phone started ringing. I hit '!alk' and pressed it to my
ear. "Hello)"
"Hey," said "athan's oi#e.
"Hey, "athan!" I felt glad to hear his oi#e. "(hat's up)"
"=ust wanted to wish you lu#k again," "athan said. "'nd, you know.
9aturday morning. Mom and Charl sort of dragged me out of bed een
though it's only ten."
"-nly," I said drily.
"athan laughed. "-h, yeah, you had to wake up at si7. I hae loose
motion when I get up that early on a weekend."
"How #harming," I said, grinning like a fool.
"%ll passengers o, ,light %DA><9 to Seattle, please assemble at .ate <
,or departure1*
"9o what's it feel like to be in a room full of different people again)"
"athan asked.
"It's 1 weird." I had noti#ed ?a#h's unsmiling dark eyes boring into my
#ell phone, and all of a sudden I #ouldn't talk freely anymore. "3m, I
guess 1"
",7#use me," said ?a#h e7pressionlessly. "0ut if you #ould resist
flirting with your boyfriend till we get to 9eattle, it's time to leae."
"Is ?a#h there)" "athan said. "I should wish him lu#k too 1"
"3m, bathroom," I fibbed. It would feel beyond weird to sit there and
wat#h ?a#h talk to "athan on my phone. "8isten, I should go 1"
"+eah, sure," "athan said warmly. His oi#e dropped to a teasing
whisper. "!ry not to try running home from 9eattle on a##ount of
missing me too mu#h."
I laughed and hung up. ?a#h was already striding towards $ate D, his
ba#kpa#k slung oer his slender 1 for a guy 1 but strong-looking
shoulders. "(ait up," I #alled.
0ut he was gone.
!hornton had proided for us to fly Coa#h, but ?a#h had used his
*ad's platinum 'me7 at the #he#k-in #ounter to get an upgrade. I had
neer flown first #lass before, and I #ouldn't help being impressed by
the e7tra spa#e, the e7tra politeness the staff added to their
behaiour, the range of moies to #hoose from, and the e7pensie
al#ohol flowing around. I was so impressed, in fa#t, that I was halfway
into 0ittle $anhattan 1 the moie I'd pi#ked to wat#h be#ause I wanted
to see the #ity again so mu#h 1 before I reali2ed that ?a#h hadn't said
a word sin#e "athan's phone #all.
"(hat's your problem)" I said out of the blue.
?a#h, who was flipping idly through "osmo!.irl, one of the in-flight
maga2ines, with a disgusted fa#e, gae me one of his e7pressionless
looks. "'m I taking up too mu#h leg spa#e)"
I took a sip of the 9prite I'd asked sin#e I didn't mu#h like al#ohol,
een #hampagne. "+ou're not talking."
"I thought you didn't like it when I talk," ?a#h said.
I rolled my eyes. "I hate it when you sulk."
"I'm not sulking," ?a#h said defensiely.
"-h)" I said. "+ou haen't said a word sin#e "athan #alled."
"+ou didn't talk to me either," ?a#h pointed out. "I figured you were
busy thinking about your boyfriend."
I gae him an in#redulous look. "'re you &ealous)" I said without
thinking. I immediately #ringed, waiting for his sardoni# #an-you-be-
more-#on#eited-kid remark.
Instead, ?a#h opened his mouth. !hen he #losed it again. !hen he
flipped his maga2ine #losed. !hen he gae me a ery serious look. "I
&ust don't understand why you're falling for his bullshit."
!aken aba#k, I said, ",7#use me)"
"+ou pretend to be so smart and #yni#al and know-it-all." ?a#h's tone
was #utting. "0ut you're not, are you) 'll it takes to get to you are a
few #orny lines and a few #heesy smiles."
"(hat)" I said, unsteadily.
"+ou know what I'm talking about," ?a#h said a##usingly. "+ou know
what (ellington's like. -r at least, you #laim to. 0ut you don't want to
know, do you) +ou're &ust like eery other girl 1 &ust be#ause he's
good-looking and knows how to turn on the #harm, you gie in to
him%"
I wanted to shake him. I wanted to tell him he had no idea what he
was talking about. I wanted to #onin#e him I was no hypo#rite, I still
didn't #ompletely trust "athan. I wanted to yell at him. 0ut what #ame
out of my mouth was, "(hy do you hate him so mu#h, ?a#h)"
?a#h let out a short, in#redulous laugh. "-h, no, you are not making
this about me, 9ummer. Isn't that what you always a##use me of
doing)"
I slammed my #an of 9prite down, now starting to feel truly angry.
"-kay, let's make this about me, then. I'll tell you why I talk to "athan
1 he's neer treated me like shit the way you neer don't!"
?a#h rolled his eyes. "+eah, be#ause he wants to play you &ust the
way he plays eery other gullible little girl in town."
"-h) Is that why he didn't kiss me and leae me stranded in
9nellwood the way you did) Is that why)"
"+ou don't know him, 9ummer!"
"8ike you know him so well)" I said loudly. "In #ase you don't
remember, you haen't had mu#h #onta#t with him in two years 1 and
if you know him so well, why won't you &ust tell me what I should be
afraid of instead of going off sulking eery time I 1"
"'nd you'e had so mu#h #onta#t with him, hae you) I suppose he's
bared his soul to you) !old you eery little thing he's eer done to a
girl)"
"8ike you treat girls like por#elain!" In the ba#k of my mind, I wondered
what I was saying.
"&his is not about me, 9ummer!" ?a#h slammed his fist into the
leather of his arm-rest.
"+eah, okay, that's a ery #onenient e7#use for you to be a
goddamned hypo#rite and &udge the #rap out of "athan. 'nd if it's
about me, how #ome I don't get to &udge) =ust in #ase you haen't
noti#ed, I'm perfe#tly #apable of doing that!"
"+eah, that's why you'e got athan Wellington up on a pedestal 1"
"How do you know I hae)" I was almost yelling now. "+ou don't hae
any fu#king idea how I feel about "athan!" How #ould he when I didn't
know myself how I felt about "athan)
"Isn't it kind of obious)" ?a#h's oi#e soared too. "Isn't it kind of
obious when you're always talking to him, or $od, fu#king de,ending
his honour or whateer the fu#k you're doing right now!"
"I'm defending my own &udgement!" I shouted. "I'm defending my right
to make up my own mind about people on the basis on how they treat
me 1 and he's neer been anything but ni#e to me!"
"0e#ause he wants to play you!" ?a#h said frustratedly. "I told you!"
"How do you know that)" I demanded. "How do you know that maybe
he's not as bad as you think)"
"-h, my $od," ?a#h said mo#kingly. "+ou really are a romanti# little
girl trying to re,orm a big bad guy, isn't that what you are)"
"+ou don't know anything about me! Maybe I &ust want to gie people
a #han#e! Maybe I want to stop giing the dog a bad name and
hanging him!"
"Maybe you're stupid!" ?a#h retorted.
I wanted to slap him, badly. "=ust be#ause you don't trust anyone or
anything doesn't mean I hae to be an antiso#ial loser and think of all
humanity as something inented to torture and annoy me," I said hotly.
"You don't know anything about me, 9ummer," ?a#h said, &ust as
hotly. "'nd, $od, trust) You want to prea#h to me about trust when
you #an't een trust anyone enough to tell them what's going on in
your life)"
"9o I take a long time to trust people, okay)" I bellowed. "'t least I do
trust them in the end! +ou don't een do that, so forgie me if I don't
trust you!"
"+eah, be#ause you're so used to swallowing lies that you wouldn't
trust someone who's telling you the truth unless he looked like
goddamned (ellington!"
"!his has nothing to do with how anyone looks," I shrieked.
",7#use me!" 'n irate oi#e belonging to neither of us broke in. !he
middle-aged lady in a .ersa#e suit with a green satin sleeping mask
pulled oer her eyes ne7t to ?a#h 1 I had the window seat and he was
in the middle 1 was peering around him to gie me an i#y glare.
"Could you two kids kindly keep your oi#es down) I'm trying to rest
up for a meeting in 9eattle."
?a#h suggested she do something with her meeting that made her
gasp and ask a nearby stewardess for her seat to be #hanged. 's the
#ommotion subsided and ?a#h stu#k his nose in "osmo! .irl again,
#learly determined to ignore me for the rest of the trip if not the rest of
his life, I settled into my seat, my stoma#h #hurning. Was ?a#h right)
(as I trusting "athan too soon) (hat right did he hae to #omment
on it anyway) (hat right did he hae to &udge so ;ui#kly and so easily
when he had no idea what the hell was going on) (hy did he think he
had the right to influen#e me with his pre&udi#es)
I took a deep breath. -b&e#tiely. I had to for#e myself to think
ob&e#tiely. ?a#h's #on#ern for me 1 if it was for me and not be#ause
he loathed "athan so mu#h 1 was kind of sweet, really. 'nd #learly
had to be mature here if I didn't want 9eattle to be totally unpleasant. I
#losed my eyes, #on#entrating on letting the tension spiral out of my
body. I had to 1 I had to show ?a#h that I trusted him. 0e#ause the
truth was%
I a#tually kind of did.
"?a#h." I took another deep breath and tou#hed his arm tentatiely.
"(hat)" he snapped, shaking my arm off. !he #hildishness of the
gesture, for some reason, tou#hed me.
"8ook. +ou want to know who else I know that's really #yni#al)"
"Me," ?a#h said #oldly. "I get the fu#king point, 9ummer 1"
""o," I #ut him off. "It's my *ad. I didn't think he was, but he's 1 he's
the most #yni#al, mistrustful person I know. He's, like, he's like
#onstitutionally in#apable of belieing the best of people."
?a#h put his maga2ine down. I saw the #arefulness in his dark eyes 1
in the light of the plane they looked light brown 1 and it gae me the
#ourage to go on een though I felt like I was putting a part of myself
under a harsh strobe light.
"4eople used to say I'm like him," I said ;uietly. "'nd, I mean, I always
hae been sort of 1 you know. 5uiet, and stuff. 9uspi#ious and
hesitant to take people at their word. I guess you'd #all me anal. 0ut I
1 I &ust don't want to be like him. -kay) I don't want to hate myself."
?a#h frowned. "+ou'd rather be taken adantage of than be like your
*ad)"
I nodded wordlessly.
?a#h doe ba#k into "osmo!.irl. "(hateer," was all he said.
0ut I knew I'd won. Maybe we still didn't see eye-to-eye oer%well,
anything, really. 0ut it was okay for now.
"Is the maga2ine really that entertaining)" I said, #hanging the sub&e#t.
I felt ine7pli#ably light-hearted.
"It's a fu#king girl's maga2ine," ?a#h said gruffly. "+ou #an hae it if
you want."
I rolled my eyes. "!his is why #arrying two books instead of one is a
good idea in #ase you forget 1"
"9hut up."
"=ust wat#h a moie, you ass."
"!hey'e got a #rap sele#tion."
""ot 0ittle $anhattan," I said. "It's #ute. 'nd inno#ent."
?a#h snorted. ""ot into #ute and inno#ent, thanks."
"=ust gie it a try," I prodded.
?a#h looked relu#tant. "(hat's it about)"
"6irst loe in the #ity," I said, a little dreamily.
?a#h snorted again. "+ou really are a romanti# little girl. 'nd I know
you probably hae personal #onne#tions to the plot, but%"
I bit my lip. Curtis had been my first loe, and things had been so
#ra2y lately that I'd barely had time to think of him. "(hat my boyfriend
and I had in the #ity wasn't this #ute. !rust me."
"I told you," ?a#h said, sounding fed up, "I don't like #ute."
"(hateer," I said mo#kingly, and glan#ed out of the window again.
,en though it was only three in the afternoon in 9eattle when we
tou#hed down at the airport, was too tired to look around by the time
we got into the bla#k #ar the sponsors of the #ompetition proided to
shuttle kids to and from the airport. It was raining outside, a light grey
dri22le, and I started to feel nerous as I sat in the ba#kseat with my
eyes #losed. Ms 0lake and I had spent all of late last night going oer
o#abulary lists. "ow I wished I'd done some work on the plane, too,
instead of wat#hing 0ittle $anhattan and fighting with my partner like
some loser.
-ur hotel, Mount /ainier 4la2a, was a modern building 1 all #hrome
and glass and sometimes a bit of dark wood 1 and it was also the
most lu7urious-looking building I'd eer lied in. I tried not to let that
in#rease my nerousness as I stepped through the reoling glass
doors with ?a#h, feeling oerheated as well 1 the temperature had
been thirty-seen degrees in "ew =ersey and I was dressed
a##ordingly> it was si7ty-four degrees in 9eattle. It didn't need to> the
sight of the many teenagers in either uniforms or sweatshirts with the
logo of their s#hools milling around the lobby, eidently priate s#hool
kids here for the #ompetition, was ;uite enough to make me want to
puke with nerousness. It was like my first day of !hornton all oer
again.
(hat did ri#h people do to look so mu#h better than normal people
een if their features and bodies were the same) I didn't know, but I
guessed it had something to do with the thousands of spa and gym
and beauty salon sessions they #ould afford and the hundreds of
makeup and style #onsultations they had the time for. I #ould also bet
a few of the girls there with perfe#t noses and *-#ups had gone under
the knife a few times. obody had genes that good. /ight)
"9ummer! 9ummer (ard)" ' pretty girl in the light blue uniform of the
's 9#hool 6or $irls in Manhattan was walking towards me in the
#onfident, poised way that seemed to be se#ond nature to these kids
but was probably a result of ballet lessons sin#e the age of two. I
looked at the girl blankly. 9he had highlighted blond hair in the layered
style that had been all the rage in the 3pper (est 9ide last summer,
dark blue eyes, and a beaming smile. "/emember me)"
"3m," I said, stalling for time. "3m, yeah 1"
"4hoebe! 4hoebe Coates!"
"-f #ourse!" I mat#hed her perky tone. 9he'd gone #lubbing with
/a#hael a few times, I remembered now. 'nd /a#hael had started
dating her brother 1 what was his name) 4aul) 4elis) 1 the week I
left for California. "How are you)"
"I'm great!" 4hoebe #hirped. "(here did you disappear) /a#hael and
I hae barely hung out sin#e she started seeing 4eter 1 I thought of
#alling you so I'd hae someone to go to that #lub near your s#hool
with, but eidently 1" 9he looked me up and down, took in my uniform,
and widened her eyes. "+ou got into &hornton! -h, my $od!"
I suddenly felt miserable. (here was ?a#h when I needed him to pull
me away) I felt a#utely homsi#k all of a sudden> I remembered
hanging out with Curtis at that #lub near our s#hool, I remembered
/a#hael doing a s#athing imitation of 4hoebe's 'un-"ew +ork
perkiness', I remembered /a#hael #alling me up when she'd met
4hoebe at a #lub and telling me e7ultantly that she now had a ti#ket to
good 3pper (est 9ide parties. I felt da2ed.
"3m," I said to 4hoebe. "+eah. $ood lu#k with the #ompetition, okay)"
"(ho was that)" ?a#h asked me as I &oined him near the re#eption
desk.
"=ust someone from home," I said heaily.
?a#h looked #urious, but he didn't say anything, whi#h I appre#iated
more than I #ould e7press at that moment.
"8ook who we hae here," said a de#idedly nasty male oi#e behind
us.
?a#h's ne#k mus#les tensed. He turned slowly. I turned along with him
and was bemused to see a gorgeous guy with a #ompletely inno#ent
fa#e standing there. F(hat was with all these gorgeous people)
(asn't this a geek eent)G !hat fa#e did not mat#h that oi#e.
"Marshall," ?a#h said, in a oi#e deoid of warmth.
'Marshall' looked him up and down with a sneer. "$uess your old
s#hool was kind enough to let you #rawl ba#k after 'ndoer be#ame
too good for you."
I noti#ed ?a#h's fists #len#h. I also noti#ed the 'ndoer sweatshirt
'Marshall' was wearing> I wasn't the only one whose past was haunting
this lobby today.
"(hat do you want)" ?a#h said, still in that #old e7pressionless tone.
"I want you to #rawl ba#k to !hornton again. /ight now." Marshall
#rossed his arms oer his #hest.
?a#h looked at him in silen#e for a few se#onds. !hen he spun around
and started straight for the eleators.
"(hoa," I said, s#ampering after him, relieed to be away from all the
priate s#hool kids. 'lso from the giganti# Christmas tree in the middle
of the lobby> its festiity didn't mat#h my mood. "(hat did you eer do
to him)"
?a#h looked at me. "His girlfriend got ki#ked out at the same time I did
for the same thing I did."
"+ou mean you 1" I gaped. "+ou got ki#ked out for haing se7
somewhere inappropriate)"
""o," ?a#h said e7pressionlessly.
"!hen what 1"
"=ust do me a faour and don't s#rew up the #ompetition, okay)" ?a#h
#ut in.
I rolled my eyes. "I thought you didn't #are about the #ompetition."
+esterday I'd tried to test him on some o#abulary list and he'd replied
'6u#k knows' to eery ;uestion until I'd gotten fed up and stomped off
in sear#h of Ms 0lake instead.
""ow I do," ?a#h said, shrugging.
I rolled my eyes again. "6ine. 8et's &ust go up."
I was trying not to think about the fa#t that ?a#h and I would hae to
share a room as the bellboy we'd ridden up the eleator with let us
into room ACJK and handed in our bags 1 ?a#h had a $u##i suit#ase
he'd borrowed from his dad and I had a dark brown duffel bag I'd
borrowed from Mi#hael 1 as well as our key#ards. I'd known I would
hae to, of #ourse, sin#e the s#hool only wanted to pay for one room.
/oom ACJK was beautifully de#orated, with twin beds and a large
bathroom and a bal#ony, but the fa#t remained that ?a#h would see
what I looked like first thing in the morning. (hat if he snored) (hat if
# did)
"Here," ?a#h said suddenly, snapping me out of my suddenly
pani#ked thoughts. ' pie#e of paper landed on my bed 1 I'd #laimed
the one ne7t to the bay windows leading to the bal#ony. It was, I saw
as soon as I pi#ked it up, our s#hedule for the #ompetition. My
breathing slowed slightly as I reali2ed that I wouldn't hae to do any
#ompeting today. !he only things on 9atu'day's s#hedule were 'resting
up' and an early dinner with my partner in 6auna, the hotel's twenty-
four-hour dining room.
'nd then I saw that the s#hedule dinner in#luded an instru#tion to
'dress ni#e'.
I had, being me, brought two ni#e outfits on the trip. My dark brown
ankle-length dress 'nn had bought in 9an 6ransis#o in the summer,
and the pale blue knee-length skirt and white top #ombination I had
bought in a tiny little bouti;ue off "oHo along with a sparkly siler
halter top for /a#hael. -r so I thought. (hen I a#tually looked into my
duffel baf, I saw that in my fren2ied pa#king last night, I'd made a
mistake. Instead of the skirt and top 1 whi#h I was pretty sure was
lying on my bed in 8inbury waiting to be pa#ked 1 I had stuffed in the
pink wrap dress with white polka dots that CeeCee had gien me on
my fifteenth birthday and that I'd always steadfastly refused to wear.
I pulled out the brown dress and held it up. !he truth was, it didn't look
all that good on me, and it made me blend into the ba#kground. 0ut
that was &ust what I wanted, wasn't it)
I #ast a furtie glan#e oer my shoulder. ?a#h was sitting #ross-legged
on his bed, leafing through the hotel guide and looking kind of
un#omfortable. (hen my eyes landed on him, he leapt up.
"!hey hae an indoor pool," he said briefly. "I'm going to go #he#k it
out, okay)"
"'m I boring you or something)" was what #ame leaping out of my
mouth, surprising me and I guess een him. I wanted to &ump off the
bal#ony in our room. How #ould I sound so needy)
?a#h raised his eyebrows. "*o you #are)"
I shrugged. "I don't know."
!here was a pause. 'nd then ?a#h said, "=ust get dressed, okay)"
before stalking out of the room.
I felt aguely irritated. I remembered him in the airport implying that I
#ouldn't #arry off the #olour pink. I felt downright pissed off. 6ine. I'd
show him. I snat#hed up the wrap dress and floun#ed into the
bathroom.
Half an hour later, standing in front of the steamed-oer bathroom
mirror, I had no idea who I was looking at. -h, okay, that's an
e77ageration> I hadn't morphed into =essi#a 9impson in thirty minutes.
0ut I #ertainly looked different. 'n optimist would een say I looked
better. I had shampooed and blow-dried my hair and left it down, I had
put on the mas#ara and eyeliner that CeeCee had gien me that I also
neer used, I had put on 1 get this 1 light pink lip gloss, and I wore
bla#k flats instead of flip-flops or sneakers. !he dress was shorter and
tighter and brighter than anything I'd eer worn. 8ooking at myself, I
felt un#omfortable. I de#ided I'd put on the brown dress instead.
4ushing open the bathroom door, I stepped.
!oo late. ?a#h was ba#k, and this time he was sitting on my bed.
"!he pool was full of kids. I had no idea there would be this many of
us here for the%" ?a#h's oi#e trailed off, but his mouth stayed open.
(e remained like that for a few se#onds. Me fro2en outside the
bathroom door with reddening #heeks staring at him> ?a#h fro2en on
the bed with reddening #heeks, staring at me.
"+ou look%different," ?a#h managed finally.
'ny other girl would hae said something along the lines of, "$ood
different or bad different)" or "9ee) I #an do pink." 'ny other girl
would hae been #oy and flirtatious and show-offy.
# #rossed my arms oer my #hest and started stuttering. "I look stupid,
right) I mean, it's so pink 1 my sister bought it for me and I told her I'd
neer wear it but I forgot my other ni#e outift and I &ust thought, you
know, they said to dress up 1 that skirt and top was totally normal 1
I'm &ust going to #hange right now, I hae this brown dress I don't
really like 1 but 1 I mean, you're right, pink is not me at all 1"
"9ummer," ?a#h #ut me off, looking annoyed.
I tugged on the hem of my dress. "+ou should get off my bed be#ause
my brown dress 1"
"*ifferent is an improement," ?a#h said.
I stopped talking and trying to hide my boobs and knees. "(hat)"
"+ou look%" ?a#h hesitated, then rolled his eyes. "0etter than I'e
eer seen you look."
I felt the #orners of my lips tug upwards into the goofiest, #heesiest
grin I'd eer gien anyone. "/eally)"
?a#h grabbed a bla#k denim &a#ket from the open suit#ase on his bed
and shrugged it on, #learly not #aring about the dress-up instru#tion.
"Can we &ust go)"
I didn't stop grinning. "+eah," I said. Had ?a#h $ellar &ust said
something ni#e to me) "-kay."
*uring dinner 1 all the tables in 6auna were set for two and all the
#ompetitors were sitting in twos in slightly formal eening wear, eating
and talking 1 =essi#a 0ri#k, a white-haired lady who introdu#ed herself
as the spokesperson of Classmate, the sponsors of the #ompetition,
took the mi#rophone on the platform where lie bands usually played
and told us that the #ompetition #onsisted of two rounds, preliminary
and final. !he preliminary round was tomorrow right after breakfast,
and entailed being tested on o#abulary, spelling, and a surprise
se#tion. !hose who #leared it would go on to the finals to be held later
on 9unday eening.
I started to feel nerous again, so I put down my plate of #hi#ken
stroganoff and told ?a#h I wanted to leae.
"I'm still hungry," he grumbled, stabbing his pasta with his fork.
"+ou're always hungry," I grumbled ba#k, but I started pi#king at my
stroganoff again.
"+o, $ellar," said a dangerously low male oi#e to my side.
"Marshall." I saw ?a#h's mus#les tense up again as we both looked at
the inno#ent fa#e of his 'ndoer enemy. ?a#h put down his fork and
leaned ba#k in his #hair, #rossing his arms oer his #hest. "Can I help
you)"
'Marshall' smirked. "I see you're still here. ,en though I told you not
to be."
I hadn't meant to get inoled, but the words #ame rushing out of my
mouth before I #ould #lose it. "*o we hae a problem)"
'Marshall' turned his head slowly. He was leaning oer our table in a
green button-down shirt that set off the ha2el of his eyes. He really
was a gorgeous guy. 's his ga2e met mine, I e7pe#ted him to make a
nasty #omment or gie me a threatening look. Instead, he e7tended
his hand. "Hello," he said politely. "I'm /on Marshall."
Mildly flummo7ed, I took his hand and shook it. "9ummer (ard," I said
hesitantly.
""i#e to meet you," /on Marshall said to me. He looked at ?a#h
again. "+ou're going down tomorrow, $ellar," he said ;uietly. !hen he
nodded to me, said "$ood lu#k," and walked away.
I stared after him, mouth agape. (hoa. He #learly knew what good
manners were, so why all the glaring and threatening ?a#h) "(hat on
earth does he hate you so mu#h for)" I asked ?a#h again.
He had taken up his fork again and was #lut#hing it so hard that I
thought it would break. "=ust eat," he ordered.
I de#ided not to probe sin#e he hadn't probed about 4hoebe. "6ine."
'fter dinner, ?a#h and I went to the bowling alley and the gym
be#ause it was still early in 9eattle and I didn't want to sleep be#ause
that would mean &et lag. !he indoor gym had a park that looked real,
with the high #eiling painted the #olour of the night sky and plasti#
foliage and swings and a slide and a pretty authenti#-looking pond. I
sat down on one of the swings. I was tired of haing to sit in all sorts
of awkward positions be#ause of the wrap dress> I almost wished I'd
worn sweatpants.
"*on't you eer get nerous)" I said #rossly to ?a#h.
He sat down on the other swing and stret#hed his legs out. "I was
nerous when I lost my irginity."
I gae him a meditatie look, trying not to be thrown off-balan#e by the
"athan-like statement and the "athan-like glint in his eyes. "I wasn't."
?a#h raised his eyebrows. "+ou aren't a irgin)"
I looked down at his legs. I tried not to be, but I felt un#omfortable with
the sub&e#t. ""ope. I dated one guy for three years and all."
"(hy are you staring at my legs, kid)"
I flushed in spite of myself, but I met his ga2e s;uarely. "I'm trying to
figure out why you think you're so hot when you hae legs like
Chi#ken 8ittle's."
?a#h let out a snorting, unwilling sort of laugh and rolled his eyes. (e
sat there in silen#e for a while, but it wasn't an un#omfortable silen#e.
It was okay, it was ni#e 1 it reminded me of the old days after dinner,
when all of us would sit round the kit#hen table in our 9oHo apartment
and talk #ontentedly oer full stoma#hs or &ust listen to the sounds of
"ew +ork in the eening. 'nn had a rule> all meals were to be had at
the table, and eeryone had to #ontribute at least one opinion or
in#ident to the #onersation.
"!here used to be this woman who always sat in the *airy 5ueen
opposite my bedroom window in the mornings," I said suddenly.
?a#h, who'd been looking at his &eans, raised his eyes to mine. 6or
some reason, I wanted badly to talk.
"9he used to sit there%I mean, I saw her sitting there eery day for,
like, three years," I said. "9he'd always sit in this booth by the window
with a triple-fudge anilla sundae, and she's &ust stare%sort of
blindly%at the people walking by. +ou know. !here'd be kids my age
in tank tops and shorts, there'd be all these really an7ious-looking
parents bossing around energeti# toddlers, and tourists looking kind of
lost, and then you'd hae #lassi# "ew +orkers 1 men and women
wearing sharp e7pressions and business suits to work."
?a#h ran his hand down the frayed rope of the swing silently, his
e7pression wat#hful. I shiered, not sure what I was saying or why I
was saying it. "'nd)" he prompted.
"It was like%" I swallowed, trying to find the words to des#ribe it. "It
was like eeryone around her had a future. 6utures that were%sort of
rushing #loser and sort of merging into the present, you know) 'nd
she's &ust sitting there and like%#at#hing unseeing glimpses into lies
that #an't be hers."
I neer een wondered who she was, that woman. I saw her eeryday,
but I neer had the patien#e or the time to think about her. I
remembered her perfe#tly all of a sudden 1 s#raggly dirty blond hair
tu#ked into a "ew +ork :ni#ks #ap, a sweatshirt, a long skirt, a
deta#hed fa#e, a burn-out who'd possibly lost eerything to the #ity. "I
neer wodnered why she didn't hae anywhere else to go in the
morning," I said softly.
"(ho was she)" ?a#h asked.
"I don't know," I said. "I looked at him. "I mean, I only thought of her for
the first time one day when we were leaing for 9an 6ransis#o this
summer. !hen 1" I gulped. "!hen my brother "eil died, and we went
ba#k home, and eerything was different, and then%then one day
*ad 1 he #aled me to his study and said he'd asked for a transfer and
he thought it would heal us to moie. He didn't ask for our opinion or
anything. =ust said, we're leaing. 8et's leae."
?a#h didn't say anything. My mouth felt dry, and I felt raw all oer. 0ut
I wasn't done.
"+ou know why I remembered her &ust now)" I said, my oi#e barely
aboe a whisper.
He shook his head mutely, his dark eyes ery dark indeed.
"It's be#ause I &ust reali2ed what that blank empty ga2e of hers
reminds me of," I said ;uietly.
?a#h looked at me. "+our%"
I nodded. "My family," I said, a trifle raspily.
?a#h leaned his head against the rope of his swing and #losed his
eyes. "!ell me about your brother."
I frowned. "(hy)"
?a#h opened his eyes. "I want to know what makes you the #ra2y
bit#h you are."
I #hortled. "-h, you're nice, ?a#h."
He smirked ba#k. ""o offen#e intended. 9o. !ell me."
"(ell," I said slowly. ""eil was fie years old." I #losed my eyes, trying
to #on&ure up "eil's fa#e in my mind's eye. "He had brown hair. $reen
eyes, though, like my stepmom. He was this really fragile, deli#ate-
looking kid, but%$od, he was like a tornado, all oer the pla#e,
throwing things, asking ;uestions nobody knew how to answer
appropriately, #rying one moment and laughing the ne7t 1 oh, and
9piderman was his hero, he resorted to all sorts of #ra2y stuff to get
us to take him to all three moies%and you #ould get him to do
anything if you promised him #ho#olate i#e-#ream with nuts%" I
stopped, reali2ing how animated I was getting.
"He doesn't sound a lot like !alia, does he," ?a#h obsered.
"He wasn't," I agreed. !o my horror, tears were welling up in my eyes.
I blinked them ba#k hastily. "He was adorable. ,eryone loed him. I
mean, he kept our family together, ?a#h, and you #an't imagine how
mu#h we%but Hadley was%" I stopped again, starting to feel drained.
"+ou saw her that day throwing beer bottles."
?a#h nodded.
"Hadley was the only one who #ould 1 wat#hing her with "eil was like
wat#hing, like, Magi# =ohnson on a basketball #ourt. 9he #ould een
answer "eil's impossible ;uestions." ,idently, now I'd started talking,
I #ouldn't stop. My nose felt #logged. "8ike on#e he asked how babies
were made, and Hadley said%Hadley said%" I started to laugh,
almost hysteri#ally. "Hadley told him seeds were planted in a pla#e
#alled Mother Care in ,ngland and then taken to heaen, where they
were made to flower into big babies by $od's beautiful singing. 'nd
then "eil asked who $od was, and Hadley said%" I shook my head,
still laughng. "Hadley said =imi Hendri7."
'nd then, &ust like that, I was #rying.
"+ou okay)" ?a#h said. He looked remarkably worried, for him.
"I hae to go," I sobbed out. I wasn't &ust #rying for "eil, I wasn't #rying
be#ause "eil was dead, I was #rying be#ause weren't we all) (as
what my family was doing right now living) (as !adley liing)
"9ummer%" ?a#h bit his lip.
I got up. "I &ust%I hae to go," I said, and all but ran to the eleators,
thanking my stars that he didn't follow me.
'll I wanted at that moment was to be alone.



<. Don't Lie
"eil pouting as he ran after ,ri#, begging to be allowed to play so##er
with him. "eil sitting on Hadley's lap, eyes drooping as she sang to
him softly. "eil in our #ar as we droe through California, stuffing his
fa#e with burgers, singing nursery rhymes that droe me #ra2y,
bursting into tears when 'nn reprimanded him. "eil waiting patiently
for hours with his fa#e in#hes from mine while I slept so that he #ould
greet me with his trademark mis#hieous smile the moment I opened
my eyes.
"eil lying in the #offin being lowered to the ground, that same fa#e
#old and white and unnaturally e7pressionless. "eil dead.
I had drifted off to sleep thinking of "eil, and I woke up with his fa#e in
my mind's eye.
"*o you want #offee or orange &ui#e) 0e#ause breakfast is going to
end in forty-fie minutes."
I opened my eyes. ?a#h was leaning on the bal#ony in our room
fa#ing my bed, smoking a Camel. I'd fallen asleep long before he'd
#ome in last night, so I hadn't had time to worry about snoring or him
seeing me in the morning. (hat I hadn't #ounted on, though, was
seeing him in the morning in bo7ers%
'nd no shirt.
I dropped my eyes to my bed, the fa#t that I had bed-head, bleary
eyes, and probably morning breath suddenly hitting me with a for#e I
also hadn't #ounted on.
"$od, #onsidering what a smart-ass you are most of the time, I
thought you'd take less time to fu#king wake up in the morning," ?a#h
#ommented, lighting another Camel.
"Could you not blow smoke into this room)" I said irritably. My oi#e
#ame out raspier than I'd intended. (asn't he free2ing without a shirt)
"Could you not be su#h a high-maintenan#e bit#h)" ?a#h mimi#ked
my tone, but he turned around and blew smoke into the air instead.
I looked at his ba#k for a few se#onds, remembering my breakdown
on the swings last night. I was kind of grateful that I was with ?a#h
and not "athan. "athan would hae wanted to dis#uss all the things
I'd said. ?a#h%$od knew what ?a#h wanted.
"8isten," I said tentatiely. "'bout%about the stuff I said last night%"
?a#h turned again and I dropped my eyes again to aoid looking at his
#hest. "+ou better hurry up or I'm going to leae for breakfast without
you, kid," was all he said. 0ut then he did something #ompletely
un#hara#teristi# of him< he smiled at me.
!he smile flabbergasted me. 9o mu#h, in fa#t, that I obediently said,
"-kay" and hurried to the bathroom to get rid of my morning breath.
0reakfast was at 6auna again, but the tables weren't set for two like
they had been at dinner> people #ould sit anywhere they wanted with
whoeer they wanted. (hi#h meant that ?a#h and I ended up
together in the #orner be#ause neither of us had bothered to so#iali2e
with the other kids yesterday before or after dinner. 4hoebe did try to
#at#h my eye, but I was hell-bent on aoiding her.
?a#h and I were in the breakfast line waiting for our egg preparations
1 a mushroom-and-#hi#ken omelet for me be#ause I would eat
anything with mushrooms in it and a #heese omelet for ?a#h 1 when
/on Marshall stru#k again.
He wasn't alone this time. In dripping swimming trunks with a towel
slung around his waist and his dark brown hair sli#k with water, he had
two silent, e;ually gorgeous boys in 'ndoer sweatshirts with him.
"9till here, $ellar)" he said #oolly.
?a#h looked fed up. "I'm not going anywhere, man."
I silently applauded him for ,inally responding to Marshall's threats> it
was about time.
"-h)" /on Marshall #o#ked an eyebrow. !he #hef behind the buffet
table dumped my omelet on my plate but I didn't moe in fear of
attra#ting /on Marshall's attention.
"+eah, and you know why)" ?a#h was taller than /on Marshall, but
/on Marshall 1 not that I was ogling him 1 had mus#ular arms and a
well-defined si7 pa#k. If they started fist-fighting in the middle of
6auna, I wasn't sure who would win. "0e#ause een if I was s#ared of
your patheti# little threats, leaing would mean #on#eding the
#ompetition, and that would be unfair to my partner."
$reat. "ow he was using me to fight /on Marshall.
It seemed to work, though, be#ause /on Marshall, seemingly noti#ing
me for the first time, gae me a ery polite smile and said ery politely,
"$ood morning, 9ummer. How are you)"
"I'm good," I responded politely.
"$ood," said /on Marshall politely to me. "+ou're still s#rewed," he
said to ?a#h. !hen he walked away.
"I really don't understand prep s#hool kids," I said.
"9o after you're done with this round, be happy 1 you get to get out of
this hotel and e7plore 9eattle till lun#htime!" =essi#a 0ri#k announ#ed
#heerily. "8un#h will be at 6auna agin, and after lun#h you'e got more
free time till fie pm, when you will gather here for the awarding of
#ertifi#ates to the !op !en. !hen the !op 6ie will be drien to ,erett
to #ompete in the finals, while the rest of you pa#k your belongings for
tomorrow's flight. 'll #lear)"
(e were in the #onention #entre of the hotel where the preliminaries
were to be held, sitting at our assigned desks and #lut#hing the test
papers we'd been handed out. I was petrified. I was bleary-eyed. I was
sure I didn't know anything. I was, in short, not feeling well.
"$reat! 'aaand%go!"
I looked down at the ;uestions. !he first se#tion was a list of words we
had to write down synonyms for. $agni,icent was the first word. I
#lut#hed my head and told myself to #on#entrate as my #ompetitors
started writing busily. $od, why did I feel so hungoer) I knew what
magnifi#ent meant!
"Can I hae a look at that goddamn sheet)" ?a#h hissed.
"3m, yeah. 9orry." I pla#ed the paper in the middle of the desk so we
#ould both see it.
?a#h snat#hed it away impatiently so that it was on his side of the
desk and I #ould barely see it. 0rows furrowed in #on#entration, he
wrote splendid down ne7t to magni,icent. !hen he wrote down a few
more synonyms ne7t to a few more words.
"3m," I said. "Can I see the sheet now)"
"-ne se#," ?a#h said distra#tedly, ra#ing through a few more words.
"?a#h!" I hissed.
He gae me an e7asperated look. "What)"
"I'm a part of this too, you know," I reminded him.
He rolled his eyes and pushed the pie#e of paper towards me. He'd
already finished the synonym se#tion, whi#h pissed me off a little.
-kay, a lot.
!he ne7t se#tion, we were gien a list of senten#es. 9ome nouns had
a blank before them that we were suppose to fill in with appropriate
ad&e#ties, aderbs, and erbs. ?a#h filled in about seen blanks
before I #ould een look at the se#ond senten#e.
0y then I was starting to get seriously irritated, but I kept my mouth
shut be#ause I didn't want to waste time.
(hen ?a#h got to the ne7t se#tion, I snat#hed the sheet away and
brought it to my side of the desk again. It gae another list of words>
we had to put down at least three words that rhymed for ea#h word.
"(hat rhymes with auda#ious)" I said to ?a#h after answering two
;uestions, determined to set an e7ample with my team work and
professionalism.
"0oda#ious," ?a#h said impatiently, snat#hing at the paper. I #ouldn't
tell if he was being sar#asti#.
"(ould you let me answer some of the fu#king ;uestions with you)" I
said, pulling it out of his rea#h.
"$od, 9ummer, we don't hae all that mu#h time," ?a#h said urgently,
making another grab. !his time he managed to take the paper.
I wanted to hit him. I wanted to walk out. I wanted to grab the paper
and tear it up. I wanted to go plant a big fat kiss on /on Marshall's
lips. Instead, I hunkered down and gritted my teeth.
!he last se#tion was the surprise se#tion 1 a short essay on what we'd
learned from our e7perien#e in 9eattle. ?a#h thought for a se#ond and
then started writing. I didn't een try to parti#ipate. I leaned ba#k in my
#hair and thought of how abrasie I #ould be about ?a#h when I
reported how the #ompetition had gone to Ms 0lake.
(hen =essi#a 0ri#k let us out of the #onention #entre, I was
seething.
"(hat the fu#k is wrong with you!" I waited utnil we were outside the
hotel lobby before rounding on ?a#h.
"(hat)" he said blankly, surprisedly. He looked a little drained but also
rather satisfied.
I #rossed my arms oer my #hest. 'll around us, kids were streaming
out of Mt /ainier 4la2a, dis#ussing the ;uestions, e7#laiming about
their plans for the day 1 sightseeing, wat#hing moies, #lubbing 1
laughing or #omplaining about how they'd fared. "*on't 'what' me,
?a#h."
"I hae no idea what you're talking about," ?a#h said. "*o you want to
get some pi22a)"
"You didn't let me answer a single Buestion!" I shrieked.
?a#h looked taken aba#k by the olume of the shriek. "-f #ourse I
did."
""o, you didn't!" I #ouldn't beliee how thi#k-headed he was being.
"+ou barely let me do any work!"
?a#h frowned. "8ook, we didn't hae a whole lot of time, and 1"
"(e were supposed to be working as a team," I half-yelled, half-
hissed.
?a#h nodded. "+eah, and we were%I &ust wanted us to do well."
I took a deep breath. "o need to fly off the handle at this in#redibly
arrogant remark. "I know this is important to you be#ause you want to
beat Marshall or whateer, but 1"
"I told you, 9ummer, I &ust wanted us to win!"
'nd me parti#ipating would make him lose) "It won't be us winning if
you do eerything!"
"8ook," ?a#h said in his I'm-trying-ery-hard-to-be-patient oi#e.
"8ook, 9ummer, you're a sophomore 1"
"'re you fu#king kidding me)" "ow I was &ust plain liid. "!hat doesn't
make you better at ,nglish than I am. (e're at the same leel!"
"Maybe as far as writing goes, but you'e got to admit I'e got more
e7perien#e with the te#hni#alities and stuff, I'e had more pra#ti#e,
and besides, I'e gone to a priate s#hool all my life and you'e gone
to a 1"
"-h, my $od!" I hollered. "+ou hae got to be kidding!"
"Come on, it's a well-known fa#t 1"
"=ust as well-known as the fa#t that you're an arrogant snob)"
"I'm stating a fa#t! ' fa#t proed by statisti#s!"
"-h)" I took a step towards him with a glare. "!hen tell me one thing,
?a#h. Ms 0lake pi#ked both of us. Ms 0lake thinks I'm &ust as good at
this as you are. (hy would she pi#k both of us if she thought you
#ould do it on your own with, like, 'mber)"
?a#h's ga2e suddenly flopped away from mine. He #leared his throat. I
waited, a sense of foreboding hitting my mind. "!hat essay on loe
probably had a lot to do with it."
"!he essay we wrote, together," I pointed out, wondering if the
lowered ga2e meant he was #oming round to my opinion.
"I%" ?a#h looked up, staring into the distan#e. "I, um. "o. !he essay
was mine. I, ah%I &ust%I submitted my essay and said it was ours."
I frowned. "0ut I submitted it%"
I stopped suddenly. (e had #reated a &oint essay, yes, by mish-
mashing our separate essays, and I'd been the one to gie it in. 0ut%
but my printer had been out of order that day. ?a#h had been the one
to print it out. He'd gien me 'our' essay in a blue folder before s#hool
and I'd turned it in without een bothering to glan#e at it.
"9hit," I said ;uietly.
I hadn't glan#ed at it be#ause een then, I'd sort of trusted this%this
son of a bit#h in front of me.
"9ummer," ?a#h said softly.
"I #an't beliee you would do that," I said, still ;uietly. (hat was wrong
with me) How #ould I hae let myself trust him)
"I needed an ' on that essay for my +ale appli#ations," ?a#h said,
almost nerously.
I had trusted him, but he hadn't trusted me to get an ' in the one thing
I'd let myself beliee I was good at.
"+ou're a bastard!" I e7ploded.
"4lease," ?a#h said. "4lease, 9ummer, try to understand 1"
"+ou're a hypo#rite!" I yelled. "+ou a#t all irreerent, but you #are
about your grades enough to totally lie and s#rew me oer! *on't other
people eer matter to you)"
"I #are about ,nglish 1 I neer said I didn't 1 you know what my
parents are like!"
"I thought you didn't #are about them," I shouted at him. "I thought
you'd go and tea#h in a high s#hool 1 I thought 1 $od, I don't know
what I thought! It's all an a#t, isn't it)"
""o, it's not. It's not, okay)" ?a#h folded his arms a#ross his #hest and
#losed his eyes. "I don't #are about them 1 I do #are 1 my father said
he'd #ontribute a whole new wing to +ale to get me in if I got a 0 in
,nglish and I &ust 1 I want to do it on my own terms, shouldn't you of
all people understand that)"
"Hae you any idea how humiliated I feel right now)" I demanded. "I
mean, why wouldn't you &ust hae told me)"
"+ou don't understand!" ?a#h shouted.
"+ou know what)" I stepped ba#k. "+ou go ahead and win this
#ompetition for you, be#ause I'm out."
"+ou #an't 1" If anyone but ?a#h was looking at me with that
e7pression, I #ould'e sworn he looked pleading.
"+eah, ?a#h, I #an. I'm a publi# s#hool kid and a sophomore 1 I #an't
mat#h up to you."
(ith that, I turned and left.
I stood ne7t to the buffet line at 6auna during lun#h with my loaded
plate, sureying my options. 4hoebe Coates had an empty #hair at
her table> sit with her or risk embarrassment by trying to sit with
someone I didn't know) It was like the first day of s#hool yet again.
!hen I saw him. ?a#h, sitting at the #orner table we'd sat at for
breakfast, looking both bored and pissed off. He'd #alled me on#e
after I'd stormed ba#k into the hotel 1 I went to the bookstore in the
shopping ar#ade below the lobby 1 but he'd gien up after &ust three
rings. I was starting to #alm down> seeing his fa#e made my anger
erupt again. I noti#ed that the table ne7t to his was o##upied, ironi#ally
enough, by /on Marshall and his #ronies, and that it had two empty
seats. Making an un#hara#teristi#ally impulsie de#ision, I made a
beeline for one of the seats.
"Is anyone sitting here)" I asked, slamming my plate down right in
front of /on Marshall's nose.
!h three guys, who had been talking about something in low oi#es,
looked up with fro2en e7pressions. I felt desperately un#omfortable,
but not be#ause of their blank stares> it was more be#ause I #ould feel
?a#h's eyes boring into my head 1 the way the tables were arranged,
we were pra#ti#ally ne7t to ea#h other.
"9ummer," /on Marshall said, re#oering his #learly impe##able
manners fast. "Hello. 4lease. Hae a seat."
"!hanks," I said demurely, for#ing a smile.
"Hey," said one of the 'ndoer boys, the one with a #rew #ut and dark
green eyes. "'ren't you $ellar's little girlfriend)"
I felt my #heeks heat up, a#utely aware that ?a#h #ould probably hear
eery word, but I fi7ed Crew Cut 0oy with a stony look. "9ays who)"
"6orgie my friend," said the other 'ndoer boy, the one with floppy
bla#k hair and regular features, ery #ourteously. "!he words friend or
business partner don't apply to boy-girl relationships in his
o#abulary."
Crew Cut 0oy rolled his eyes. "'nd the word #urious doesn't apply to
his feelings at any time whatsoeer."
Honestly, the impe##able manners thing was sort of starting to #reep
me out. ""o problem."
"9o how did you find the first round)" /on Marshall wanted to know,
#ramming a pie#e of garli# bread into his mouth.
I don't know what made me do it, but I leaned #loser to him and said in
my dit2iest oi#e, "9ee, I'm originally from a public school, so I'm
obiously kind of an unedu#ated hi#k, right) ?a#h was kind enough to
take oer and do all the work for me. He's going to be a professor at
-7ford 3niersity someday, with the amount of brains he's got and the
edu#ation he's had."
I heard ?a#h slam down a fork ne7t to me and slumped ba#k into my
seat, indi#tiely satisfied. /on Marshall looked at me for a se#ond,
and then broke into an un#anny grin. "/ight," he said, his ha2el eyes
entirely knowing.
In that moment, I ;uite liked him.
!hat was when ?a#h's #ell phone started ringing. I glan#ed at him
inoluntarily. He held my ga2e for a se#ond and then slowly lifted the
phone to his ear and said, "Hey, /o7anne."
I tensed up immediately.
""ope," ?a#h said into his phone. "In 9eattle. ,nglish #ontest thing.
$lad you're haing a party tonight, but I seriously #an't fly ba#k right
now. +eah. -kay. (hat)"
"9o," I said to /on, then forgot what I was about to say as I felt ?a#h's
eyes on me again.
"I loe you, too, /o7y," he said ;uietly.
I wanted to pi#k up my plate and hurl it at his fa#e. It was so
patheti#ally obious what he was doing telling /o7anne he loed her
too< he was trying to piss me off! 'nd okay, maybe I'd sat with /on to
piss him off, but I had a right to want to piss him off!
/on was looking at me with that knowing smile. "(e're going to go
wat#h Stomping &he Yard after lun#h. +ou want to #ome, 9ummer)"
",7#use me, Marshall," ?a#h said. He was, I saw, leaning ba#k in his
#hair with his arms folded. "(ould you mind if I talked to my partner
for a while)"
I #ould hear the anger behind his polite tone. "!here's nothing to talk
about," I said &ust as politely, and smiled at /on. "!hanks for asking,
/on. !hat would be great."
?a#h didn't rea#t as e7plosiely as I'd hae liked. He sat there for a
few se#onds with a #yni#al little smile on his fa#e, and then he got up
and strolled away.
(hi#h was why, three pa#ks of pop#orn, a Coke, and a boring moie
later, I was walking ba#k to the #onention #entre of Mt /ainier 4la2a
with /on 1 his buddies were #learly along for moral support only and
had remained behind at the mall we'd gone to so they #ould play more
ideo games. I felt slightly awkward about being alone with /on when
we had barely e7#hanged a word throughout our three hours together,
but I was not nerous about hearing the results of the preliminary
round. I didn't #are mu#h about the #ompetition anymore.
"9o," /on said, breaking fifteen minutes of awkward silen#e.
"9o," I said, wondering if he was maybe going to ask me what the
whole in#ident at 6auna had been about.
"'reyou $ellar's girlfriend)" /on asked.
"(hy do you want to know)" I said a little defensiely. Clearly I'd been
spending too mu#h time fighting people in 8inbury> I didn't know how
to talk to people normally anymore.
/on shrugged, looking a little surprised by the suspi#ious look on my
fa#e. ""o parti#ular reason."
"(e're%" I bit my lip, #onsidering. ?a#h and I most definitely weren't
friends, and I was pretty sure I didn't really hae feelings for him, so%
what the hell were we) I knew what # was< e7tremely mad at him, and
sure we would neer be friends. "I think we're &ust%" I shrugged. "3s."
/on looked &ust a little #onfused, whi#h didn't surprise me< I felt pretty
#onfused about my relationship with ?a#h myself. "/ight," he said.
"Can I ask you something)" I said.
/on smiled. "9ure."
"(ho taught you to be so well-mannered)" I blurted.
/on smiled again. "My parents) I don't really know what you're talking
about." He looked at me spe#ulatiely. "(hat did you and $ellar fight
about)"
"(ho said we had a fight)" I said defensiely.
/on snorted. "I'd say it's a little obious."
I met his ga2e s;uarely. "(hat did you and $ellar fight about)"
He raised his eyebrows. "He didn't tell you)"
I shook my head mutely.
"(ell, then, I probably shouldn't. 'ndoer #ode of honor." He gae me
another knowing look. "+ou're not going to answer this parti#ular
;uestion, okay. I get that."
I smiled at him as we entered the hotel. "!hanks for letting me hang
out with you."
"+ou #an use me to get to $ellar anytime," /on said ;uietly.
I stepped into the #onention #entre without responding, and found my
way to a seat at the ba#k. =essi#a 0ri#k was at the podium with the
results of the preliminary rounds. 'gainst all odds, I started to feel
nerous again. I saw ?a#h in the front row, staring at his #ell phone
and looking pissed off, and the nerousness left my gut. I wasn't going
to #are about something he #ared about.
"Is eeryone ready for the results)" =essi#a 0ri#k #ried.
9ome girls in 8e Marre '#ademy sweatshirts let out loud #heers.
,eryone else looked nerous.
"I'd like to hae last year's winners up here, please," =essi#a 0ri#k
said. "4lease gie a hand for our defending #hampions 1 *eerfield!"
' girl and a boy in *eerfield sweatshirts walked sedately up to =essi#a
0ri#k and eeryone #lapped tensely.
"If you'll do the honours%" =essi#a handed them a pie#e of paper.
"'nd remember, eeryone, no matter who gets to the !op !en or the
finals, you're all spe#ial &ust for being pi#ked to parti#ipate in the
Classmate ,nglish Competition%"
I rolled my eyes and slou#hed in my seat, wondering what ?a#h would
do if we weren't in the !op 6ie. How would I work with him if we
were)
"'nd the !op !en, from last to first, #onsists of%" !he *eerfield girl
paused dramati#ally.
"$alloway, 'ndoer 1" !he *eerfield boy took oer. I saw /on
Marshall ki#k the ground and glare at his partner, a slight boy with
#urly dark hair. "9t 'ndrew's, !hornton '#ademy 1" !op !en! "ot !op
6ie! ?a#h hadn't gotten to the finals! "=essups Conent, ,7eter,
-erfield, 9t !ownsend's, *eerfield 1 yes! 1 and last but a#tually first,
the *artmouth =unior 9#hool!"
!here was a long, long minute of silen#e. 'nd then the #onention
#entre erupted.
"Congratulations 1 e7eter, -erfield, !ownsend, *eerfield, and
*artmouth 1 you'e made it to the finals!" yelled =essi#a 0ri#k.
!he kids in uniforms of the !op 6ie s#hools shrieked and #heered
and hugged. !he girls in the 8e Marre sweatshirts burst into tears. I
saw 4hoebe Coates roll her eyes and gie her partner a perfun#tory
pat on the shoulder. 9ome kids who'd e7pe#ted a pla#e in the !op !en
and hadn't gotten one looked disappointed> the ones that hadn't and
had looked giddy.
=essi#a 0ri#k went on to talk about their 'tasks' to the !op 6ie as the
rest of the s#hools slowly started getting up and leaing. Many of them
looked un#on#erned> they'd #ome to 9eattle to hae a good time, and
not really to win. I #raned my ne#k to look at ?a#h. He was slumped
oer in his seat, staring at his shoes. I almost felt sorry for him.
'lmost.
I browsed in the ar#ade bookstore until dinner was oer, eating fren#h
fries I bought from the nearest M#*onald's and feeling lonely. !hen I
reali2ed that I would hae to go to bed sometime soon.
I #ould not go to sleep in ?a#h $ellar's room.
I left the bookstore relu#tantly and went upstairs, feeling miserable as
I weighed my options. Maybe /on had said I #ould use him to get to
?a#h anytime, but I #ouldn't e7a#tly spend the night with a boy I didn't
know ery well, #ould I) I opened the door to /oom ACJK thoughtfully,
e7pe#ting ?a#h to be at dinner.
He wasn't. He was sitting on the bal#ony railing, smoking again.
"Hey," he said when he saw me.
!ey) His #asual greeting made me want to stuff his #igarette up his
nose. I ignored him and went to get my pa&amas from my duffel bag,
still thinking about where I #ould spend the night.
"Could you stop being su#h a bit#h and talk to me)" ?a#h said
e7asperatedly.
I stopped rattling around in my bag and glared at him. "6u#k you."
?a#h s#owled ba#k. "(e lost."
$od, who #ared about the pa&amas) "I noti#ed," I said snidely.
"I bet you're happy," ?a#h sneered.
"+ou know what)" I said loudly. "I am. 0e#ause maybe if you weren't
su#h a ba#kstabbing &a#khole, karma would go easier on you."
I didn't wait for him to respond before I wheeled out of the room and
slammed the door shut behind me.
$reat, now I really was s#rewed. I had no pla#e to go, no pla#e to
sleep, no bathroom to use. 3nless I de#ided to sleep on the #arpet
outside my room. -r unless%
' #ouple of girls in 9t. (alker's uniforms stumbled out of the eleator
with linked arms, giggling.
3nless%
"Hey," I said loudly.
!he girls looked at me. "Hey!" the blond one shouted e7uberantly. "I'm
'lyssa!"
"*o you know 4hoebe Coates)"
"-f #ourse," the brunette slurred. "9he's in my #lass and in my room."
9he giggled. "(ant to #ome see our room)"
I smiled and nodded. 9o what if I didn't like 4hoebe) Crashing with
her had to be better than rooming with ?a#h $ellar.
!he 9t (alker's girls lur#hed down the hall to /oom ACAK. I held my
breath and then let it out as the door flew open in response to their
kno#k. 4hoebe's head emerged, but something else emerged along
with it, shattering my eardrums< the sound of 0la#k 9abbath's loudest
song.
I debated the idea of fleeing ba#k to my room, but before I #ould,
4hoebe spotted me. "9um-M,/!" she bawled, loudly enough to be
heard in Manhattan.
I smiled nerously. "Hey. I was wondering if 1"
"Come on in!" 4hoebe's thin arm flew out and #len#hed my hand in an
iron-like grip, dragging me forward a few steps. "I'e been trying to get
you to hang with us for, like, ,.,/!"
I stepped gingerly into her room and then immediately wanted to flee
again as I saw what was inside. 4a#kets of *oritos, Chips 'hoy,
6ritos, and 9ni#kers lay strewn around the double bed and the floor.
6our giganti# si7-pa#ks of 0ud stood on the dresser along with a few
bottles of 9toli and a random bottle of some red wine. 6our girls
dan#ed around the room, singing along loudly to the 0la#k 9abbath
song and gulping down yet more #ans of 0ud. =udging from the fa#t
that they were wearing nothing but their underwear, and laughing
hysteri#ally, they were not &ust in#redibly wasted but also in the middle
of a full-fledged party.
"(oo hoo!" 'lyssa #ried, tearing off her skirt and diing into the
gyrating 'soul train'.
""ow this is what I want," the brunette said approingly, sashaying
oer to the bottle of red wine.
I looked at 4hoebe. 9he still had her 9t (alker's skirt on, but the top
was off and she held what looked like a half-rolled &oint as she grinned
roboti#ally at her friends. I smiled weakly.
"$uys!" she s#reamed oer 0la#k 9abbath's shrieking. "$uys, this is
9ummer! 9ummer, this is /egina, 'lyssa, ,lliot, !ina, 8ily and
9amira!"
"9he looks like she's dressed for winter!" the blond girl #alled ,lliot
yelled ba#k, and /egina-'lyssa-8ily-!ina-9amira-4hoebe laughed
uproariously.
"*o you want some ,)" 9amira asked #onfidentially, with a friendly
smile. "-oh, we'e got Coke too, if you like that better! $et
#omfortable, (inter!"
I didn't say anything. I was in a mild state of sho#k.
4hoebe frowned and tapped her lower lip thoughtfully. "9omething's
not right," she said with stoned #on#entration, as /egina and 9amira
bumped butts and went off into gales of laughter. "+ou look all wrong,
(inter."
I smiled weakly again. !here was a silen#e as all seen girls stared at
me. (ell, a #omparatie silen#e> 0la#k 9abbath shrieked on. I wanted
to sink through the floor or run a hundred miles.
"9he's wearing a shirt, that's what's wrong!" ,lliot yelled suddenly.
"/ight!" 4hoebe yelled. 9he beamed at me. "/ight, e7a#tly, that's
what's wrong!"
"3m," I began, starting to feel alarmed.
"+ou hae to take it off," /egina said #hallengingly.
"+eah, or you #an't party with us," ,lliot said bit#hily, #ra#king open a
#an of 0ud.
I thought for a se#ond. !ake my top off and spend the entire night
feeling e7posed and un#omfortable with these girls or go ba#k to my
room and fight with ?a#h) I &ust didn't hae the energy to risk more
fighting, and if I stayed, maybe I #ould &ust sit in the #orner half-naked
and go to sleep. 'nd at least I'd hae done something, had an
adenture. *idn't I want an opportunity to be less predi#table)
I pulled my shirt oer my head and let it drop on the #arpeted floor.
"-kay," I said ;uietly. I immediately felt e7posed and un#omfortable,
but I was fine, I #ould handle this.
"+ay!" 4hoebe leaped forward and hugged me, almost kno#king me
off my feet. ""ow you're us! Come on, #ome on, we're trying to de#ide
between strip poker and !ruth or *are."
"!ruth or *are," I said hastily. I felt weird enough to be in my bra
without ne#essitating getting rid of all my #lothes.
"I'm going first," 8ily said e7#itedly. "I pi#k *are!"
4hoebe s#run#hed her brows. "8et's see%" 9he beamed again. "I
dare you to make out with /egina!"
"-kay," 'lyssa said obediently, and s#ooted oer to the red-haired
/egina on her knees.
I #losed my eyes, #rossed my arms oer my stoma#h, and sat down
on the only in#h of spa#e on the double bed. !his was going to be a
long, long night.
'lyssa dared 9amira to go kno#k on the door of the room opposite
ACAK and hug whoeer opened it. 9amira dared /egina to li#k the
soles of her feet. /egina dared ,lliot to #all up room seri#e and ask
for #o#aine. ,lliot dared !ina to snort some. I wondered how they'd
managed to smuggle so many illegal substan#es through the plane,
and felt e7tremely boring.
"9ummer!" !ina shrieked. "!ruth or *are)"
My eyes flew open. 3nable to de#ide whi#h one would be worse, I
said, "!ruth."
"+ou're su#h a bore," 4hoebe said, looking disappointed.
"+eah," 9amira said intensely. "8oosen up, (inter. Hae a drink." !o
illustrate her point, she drained a #an of 0ud and flung it at the wall.
"I'm bored," said 'lyssa suddenly.
/egina's eyes grew wide as sau#ers. "I hae an idea!"
I wondered what her idea would be 1 to go kno#k on all the doors on
the floor and gie eery male who opened one a blow &ob)
"Hit me!" 'lyssa said enthusiasti#ally.
"8et's%" /egina stopped dramati#ally. "8et's go skinny dipping!"
"-h, my $od!" 'lyssa shrieked. "!he bimbo &ust had a brainwae!"
"(ho're you #alling bimbo, bit#h)" /egina said, thrusting her fa#e in
front of 'lyssa's. !hen she giggled. "+our nose looks so big from here,
'l."
"I loe you, /eg," 'lyssa said, sti#king out her tongue. !heir fa#es
were so #lose together that her tongue a#tually fli#ked /egina's
forehead. 9he turned around and wriggled her butt at the rest of the
girls. "8et's go!"
I tried to pretend I was inisible as the si7 of them started dan#ing to
the door and then streamed out of it, whooping and shrieking the
entire time. !he room felt almost silent with nothing but 0la#k 9abbath
making a noise in it. 3nfortunately, they left 4hoebe behind.
9till, I had an idea that 4hoebe was maybe a little more sober than the
rest of them. "3m," I said nerously, as we stood there, looking at
ea#h other. "*o you want me to #lear up the room or something) -r
maybe I #ould &ust go to bed 1"
"+ou ear is so pretty," 4hoebe breathed.
I stopped talking. "3h 1"
4hoebe rea#hed behind her for a bottle of 9toli, opened it, and instead
of drinking it, she tossed the #ontents at me.
"(hat the fu#k!" I shrieked as the sti#ky odka hit my body, dren#hing
my bra in a matter of minutes.
4hoebe and I stared down at my wet upper body for a few se#onds.
!hen 4hoebe took a step forward, and I wished I was 9piderman so I
#ould leap oer her and run off into the safety of the hallway. "4hoebe
1"
"!hey left me behind," 4hoebe said, her fa#e #rumpling. "!hey neer
asked me to go with them."
"4hoebe 1"
"0ut that's okay," 4hoebe said, nodding igorously. "0ut that's okay
be#ause you're here, right) (e #an hae fun. I #an totally hae fun.
+ou #an too. +ou don't be uptight or anything. I mean, what happens
in .egas stays in .egas."
"(e're not in .egas." I took a nerous step forward, li#king my lips.
4hoebe looked at me with an unfo#ussed ga2e and then beamed. "I
want to pour more odka all oer you and then li#k it off," she
breathed.
-kay, that was it. I was done. I #ould handle drunk girls in their
underwear doing outrageous dares. I #ould handle drunk girls in their
underwear making out in front of me. 0ut I #ould not handle a
#ompletely trashed, #ompletely needy girl in her underwear hitting on
me. I &ust #ouldn't. ,en sleeping in the same room as ?a#h $ellar
was something I #ould handle #ompared to this.
"I hae to go," I told 4hoebe firmly, stooping down, pi#king up my shirt,
and pressing it to my dripping torso. !hen I sidestepped past her and
let out a relieed sigh when I got to the hallway without her trying
anything more.
?a#h was still awake when I let myself into /oom ACJK. He was sitting
on my bed, wat#hing Scrubs, and he looked up when I stormed in.
"9ummer," he started, then stopped when he took in my wet, furious
appearan#e.
"$et the fu#k off my bed," I snarled.
He got up and sat down on his. "(hat the 1"
"*on't talk to me," I growled, sliding into my bed and pulling the #oers
oer my head.
0ut I lay awake een after he'd swit#hed off the !. and gotten into
bed, wanting to #ry. (as I oerrea#ted about what he'd done) 0ut no,
it wasn't &ust what he'd done or the fa#t that he was the most arrogant
person in the unierse that was depressing me. (hat I &ust #ouldn't
stand was the fa#t that I'd let myself trust him. I had been stupid
enough to let myself get along with him for a while, and then he'd
turned around and stabbed me in the ba#k.
I wasn't &ust tired of his egoism, his nastiness, his nar#issism, his
#yni#ism, be#ause I #ould hae handled all that. I wasn't &ust angry
be#ause he thought himself so mu#h better than I was. I #ouldn't
handle his lying, that was all. 9o what if he made me laugh) 9o what
if I had a fantasti# time with him) 9o what if I #ould talk to him) ?a#h
$ellar and I weren't friends and would neer, eer be.
!alk about being sleepless in 9eattle.



8=. 3no( D#!
I saw the sign the moment I had retrieed my duffel bag and entered
the ''rrials' se#tion of 8inbury 'irport. It had bright green letters on a
white ba#kground, and it said simply, "(el#ome home, 9ummer
(ard!"
' simple greeting, right) 9o the words itself #ouldn't e7plain why the
sight of that sign made tears well up in my eyes and made me think,
for a moment, that 8inbury was home. -r why the moment I saw it, I
dumped my bag on the ground and laun#hed myself into the arms of
the guy holding it.
'nd not be#ause ?a#h 1 who had flown first #lass again while I'd
#hosen sitting ne7t to a family of fie in e#onomy be#ause I still wasn't
speaking to him and neer wanted to 1 was probably wat#hing.
"(hoa," "athan said, &okingly pretending to stagger under my weight.
"+ou a#tually did miss me."
6lushing, I pulled away and plu#ked the sign out of his hands. "I #an't
beliee you bothered to do this!" I narrowed my eyes, noti#ing his
uniform. "'nd you're #utting s#hool."
"+eah, well, my re#ord #an handle it. Hey, man," "athan said easily to
someone oer my shoulder. I didn't need to turn to know that it was
?a#h.
"Hey," ?a#h said e7pressionlessly. "9ummer, #an I talk to you for a
se#ond)"
I faked a yawn. "I'm a#tually kind of tired. "eed to leae this pla#e," I
said in his general dire#tion.
"(e #an gie you a ride home if you want," "athan offered, letting go
off me 1 he'd been holding my shoulder 1 and taking a step sideways.
He smiled, albeit a little uneasily.
"!hat's fine," ?a#h said, still e7pressionlessly. "I'll leae you two
alone," he added s#athingly before heading straight for the e7it. It kind
of unsettled me> I wanted to #all him ba#k. Instead, I smiled up at
"athan.
"!hanks," I said. "It's really ni#e of you to #ome here."
"athan stuffed his hands into his po#ket. "I 1 a#tually 1 um 1 your
brother's here in my #ar."
I took a step ba#kwards. "(hat)"
"He 1 Mi#hael, right) He #ame to wel#ome you, too, he saw my sign
and we 1 um 1 talked."
My pulse rate sped up. "(hat did you say)"
""othing, we &ust introdu#ed ourseles. He said he'd wait in the #ar.
*on't worry, he didn't ask me my intentions or anything." "athan
grinned.
I smiled, een though that wasn't what I'd been worrying about. It was
&ust that 1 the fa#t that "athan and Mi#hael knew ea#h other now was
bi2arre. (hat if Mi#hael didn't like "athan) (hat if "athan didn't know
what to make of Mi#hael) (hat if Mi#hael told things about me to
"athan) I told myself I was being stupid 1 it wasn't like "athan and I
were engaged or een dating 1 but I #ouldn't shake off the an7iety.
"+ou didn't tell me you had a brother," "athan said as we headed out
of the airport.
"I'e got two," I said ;ui#kly. "(ell, ,ri#'s my stepbrother. 'nd 1 um,
I'e got an older sister CeeCee, and two stepsisters. Hadley and
,ri#a."
"athan raised his eyebrows. "(ow. 're you going to miss Hadley and
,ri# and ,ri#a if the diro#e really goes through)"
I bit my lip. # miss them already, I wanted to say, but that would take a
lot of e7plaining. "+eah," I said.
(hen I saw Mi#hael sitting in the ba#kseat of "athan's #ar, I all but
&umped at him. He seemed kind of surprised to hae me #linging to
him so hard, but he patted the top of my head almost affe#tionately.
"(el#ome ba#k," he said.
"!hank you," I said, beaming, my oi#e an o#tae higher than usual. "I
#an't beliee you remembered to #ome."
's I slid into the #ar ne7t to "athan, Mi#hael asked, "How was the
#ompetition)"
I shrugged, not wanting to get into details. "(e #ame seenth. ?a#h
has the #ertifi#ate."
Mi#hael half-smiled. ""ot bad."
!here was a moment of desperately awkward silen#e as "athan
eased the #ar into the road. I #ouldn't beliee I was in this situation<
sitting with athan and $ichael in a 0M( #onertible, not knowing
what to say.
"*o you guys want to do something)" I blurted suddenly. "'ll three of
us)"
!here was a pause.
"-kay," Mi#hael said #autiously.
"9ure," "athan said. He twisted his head ba#k and smiled at my
brother.
I grinned. I #ouldn't help myself. !his was bi2arre, but it was also
ridi#ulously ni#e, if in an e7tremely bi2arre way. "8et's go see a
moie."
"-kay," said Mi#hael.
"-kay," said "athan.
,en though I'd been in 8inbury for si7 months, I'd neer been to one
of its malls or moie theaters. !he one "athan took us to was #alled
*uke's and looked more like a fie-star hotel than a mall, with a plush
#arpeted lobby, impe##able flower arrangements, #rystal #handeliers,
and no sign of dollar stores or *isney stores> it only #atered to people
wanting to buy high-pri#ed Chanel, 4rada, 8uis .uitton, Hugo 0oss,
and stuff by other famous designers. It didn't hae a food #ourt either
1 &ust a four-star restaurant #alled "oir on the top floor.
"(hoa," I said as Mi#hael and I followed "athan to the eleators.
"*on't kids here want, I don't know, candy)"
"athan #hu#kled. "I don't know if you'e met ?a#h's little sister 1"
"-h, my $od, good point," I reali2ed.
!he multiple7 on the si7th floor, at least, looked like an ordinary moie
theater. "(hat do you want to wat#h)" "athan asked Mi#hael.
Mi#hael shrugged, and I reali2ed that he was een ;uieter than usual>
was he really that un#omfortable) "I haen't really seen any of the
moies playing right now."
9o "athan pi#ked the moie 1 Shrek >, for some reason 1 and we
wat#hed it, me sitting in between the only two guys in my life who
didn't periodi#ally make me feel miserable. !hen we went to the 4i22a
Hut dire#tly opposite *uke's and ate mushroom-and-pepperoni pi22a.
0y then both Mi#hael and "athan were starting to rela7 around ea#h
other, and I felt ridi#ulously proud of my brother as he talked a little
about his internship at the hospital and about Harard in response to
"athan's ;uestions. 0y the time he got up to leae, saying he'd take
the bus to the hospital, I reali2ed I knew more about his plans for the
future than I had before.
"!hank you," I said, hugging him tight.
"'nytime," he assured me, and 1 in a surprising gesture 1 he kissed
the top of my head.
"athan and I stayed in 4i22a Hut after Mi#hael left. I felt rela7ed
around him now, I reali2ed, mu#h more than I'd felt &ust a few hours
ago.
"(hat if your brother and I be#ome friends now)" "athan teased,
pi#king a mushroom off my sli#e and popping it into his mouth. "'fter
all, I'm applying to Harard too, we might end up there together. (e'll
talk about you, and he'll tell me all the embarrassing things you used
to do as a kid."
"!hen I'll get .i to show me your most embarrassing baby pi#tures," I
retorted.
"athan laughed. "9he'll probably show you without you haing to ask.
9he loes torturing me. 8ike there's this one pi#ture of me naked and
#oered in Calamine lotion 1 I had #hi#ken po7 when I was si7. 9he's
always threatening to blow it up and hang it on our front door 1 like
eery time I go out with a girl she doesn't like or eery time I blow off
studying on a weeknight."
I burst out laughing. "-h, my $od, now I have to ask her."
"Hey, if you want to see me naked, &ust ask and I'll strip 1" "athan
stopped as my fa#e heated up. ":idding."
I took a bite of my pi22a &ust for something to do, suddenly feeling
un#omfortable. I didn't ;uite know why, but I did. "+eah," I replied,
trying to sound easy. "I'll definitely ask .i."
"athan grinned. "(hat's your most embarrassing pi#ture)"
/elieed, I smiled teasingly. "(ouldn't you loe to see it. Hey, so what
do you think of Mi#hael)"
"athan gae me a thoughtful smile. "I think he's a lot like you, but%
maybe that's be#ause you hide yourself more than he does."
I #ould hae aulted a#ross the table and kissed him for that
#omment.
!hat was when my phone started to ring. I looked down at the s#reen.
'?'CH $,88'/,' it said. /efle7iely, I &abbed '/e&e#t' and then ;ui#kly
powered it off for good measure. (hen I looked ba#k at "athan, he
was staring at me.
"(hat)" I aoided his ga2e and took a sip of Coke.
"*id something happen)" "athan asked ;uietly.
"Meaning)" I took another sip.
"0etween you and ?a#h."
I looked at him. "I thought he and I #ould maybe be friends but then I
reali2ed we &ust don't get along," I said honestly.
"athan looked un#omfortable. "9o something did 1"
"*id something happen between you and ?a#h)"
"athan half-smiled. "!ou#he."
I gae him a serious look. "I want to know, "athan. (hat e7a#tly are
you two)"
"athan looked at me for a long time before saying ;uietly, "(hy do
you want to know)"
"0e#ause I'm your friend," I said simply. "'nd%remember when I
oerheard you and /o7anne plotting my downfall) +ou talked about
?a#h, too, then. I would really like to know what's happening between
you two%if I'm going to get to know you as a friend, don't I desere to
know that, too)"
I didn't reali2ed I'd meant the whole spee#h until I'd made it.
"athan looked at me some more and then let out a sigh. I held my
breath. "-kay," he said finally. "-kay. I'll tell you. 9ee, ?a#h and /o7y
and Chris and I hae been friends sin#e first grade, right) 0ut it wasn't
&ust us in the gang. !here were ;uite a lot of us when I got to high
s#hool. 8indsay, .i#tor, *enise%from all grades."
I already knew this from =a22, but I didn't interrupt.
"'nyway%" "athan took a sip of my Coke. "?a#h and I were%pretty
#lose. Chris, too. I mean, we were all #lose, but the three of us
espe#ially. I was dating /o7y and stuff, and eeryone thought we were
going to end up married, but%" He bit his lip. "It wasn't%een
e7#lusie. (e loed ea#h other, but%we weren't totally #ommitted. I
guess, &ust, some of the girls I was seeing besides /o7y thought we
were e7#lusie. !here wasn't a whole lot of #ommuni#ating there, you
see."
I nodded. "=ust se7, but they didn't get the memo."
"9omething like that." "athan shifted un#omfortably. "?a#h was%.he
wasn't seeing anyone, and I don't know%maybe I got together and
hurt some of the girls he wanted to see, be#ause he's &ust not%the
kind of guy who talks about girls he likes, you know)"
I nodded again.
"0ut that's not it. !here was also a lot of hooking up and breaking up
within the gang be#ause we often had parties &ust for us and we'd get
drunk and things would happen. 'nd%um%there was this girl #alled
*enise%I think ?a#h lost his irginity to her."
I started to redden.
"'nd%" "athan started to twist his paper napkin round and round in
his large hands. "!hey went out for a #ouple of weeks. (e all thought
it was &ust the same sort of friends-with-benefits thing eeryone else
was haing at that point of time 1 it was the fu#king ninth grade, you
know) /o7y ad I broke up, and at this party%*enise%we were
friends and she was #oming on to me. It wasn't supposed to mean
anything. 0ut the *enise dumped ?a#h%and I don't know. He neer
said anything, but by the time he left for 'ndoer in 'ugust 1 his
parents were tired of him getting into trouble near them, they're not a
whole lot like Mom and my *ad 1 things were totally weird between
us. It was so weird that I neer went to see him at 'ndoer or
anything%and%has he been saying anything about me)"
I was so startled by the abruptness of the ;uestion that I said "+es"
without thinking.
"(hat's he been saying)" "athan asked.
I shrugged easiely. "(ell, he hasn't said mu#h%but I get the feeling
he doesn't%like you mu#h anymore."
"athan nodded. "I get that feeling, too."
"*o you think you guys will eer be friends again)" I asked softly.
"I don't know," "athan said. "'ndoer%it #hanged him een more,
9ummer. He's always been #losed off, but now it's like he's sitting with
us but he's somewhere else. 9ome things #an neer be repaired."
Some things can never be repaired. (as it foolish of me to still hope
that my family #ould be, someday)
"9o what happened between you and ?a#h)" "athan asked dire#tly.
I figured I should repay his honesty with a little honesty of my own.
"?a#h and I%we were sort of starting to get along in 9eattle 1 we &ust
used to fight before 1"
"I didn't reali2e you guys would hang out," "athan said #uriously.
"(ell, we had ,nglish together, and I 1 I babysit !alia." I looked at him
and wondered how he would rea#t to the fa#t that I needed a &ob badly
enough to babysit ?a#h's bratty sister.
/elieingly, all "athan did was grin and say, "I don't eny you."
9o then I told him. I told him about the #ompetition, about the essay,
and about 4hoebe 1 although I didn't mention /on Marshall. "athan
threw ba#k his head and laughed uproariously when I got to the part
about 4hoebe throwing odka oer me.
"It's not funny," I said, half laughing myself. "It was s#ary."
"4oor baby," "athan #hortled. !hen the grin faded and he regarded
me thoughtfully. "9o you're irked be#ause ?a#h thinks he's better than
you."
":ind of," I said, be#ause of #ourse I wasn't going to go into the whole
trust issue.
"athan shrugged. "I guess I don't know him well enough anymore to
een attempt an offer of adi#e."
I tou#hed his hand. "*on't worry about it." I wasn't going to think about
?a#h anymore, not een about his relationship with "athan.
"athan smiled. "9o, listen, I hae to go to ,e's party tomorrow night
around eight. +ou want to #ome)"
I stared at him. "4ve's party)"
He nodded. "I hae total #ontrol of the guest list, so I #an put you on it.
(e #an hang out."
I #onsidered. How pissed off would /o7anne be if I showed up at her
friend's party at "athan's initation) 9ure, it seemed potentially
dangerous, but%
"!hat sounds ni#e," I said.
"athan grinned. "-kay. It's at $ala7y 1 you know that night#lub-hotel
on (ildfell 'enue) Chris's dad owns it. I hae to hae dinner with my
*ad, but I #an pi#k you up at eight-thirty if you don't want to walk."
"Cool," I said.
I had a lot to think about till then.
=a22 had #alled and asked me to meet her in the 9tarbu#ks along the
rier, and een though I was tired from haing had to wake up before
dawn to get on the plane from 9eattle, I did. 9in#e it was free2ing
outside, we ordered two 6ren#h .anilla Mo##a#hinos and sat down in
the sweet-smelling warmth inside.
"8ong time no see," =a22 #hirped, leaning a#ross the table to gie me
a hug.
I gaped, wide-eyed, at her new hair. It was streaked all seen #olours
of the rainbow and twisted into a high, unruly mess of #urls on top of
her head, and it #lashed wildly with the blue &eans and bright yellow !-
shirt she had on. "+our hair%"
"It looks way better when I'm naked," =a22 assured me, biting into the
strawberry doughnut she'd pur#hased along with her #offee.
"I'll take your word for it," I murmured. 9he had deeloped a slightly
0ritish a##ent too, from whi#h I dedu#ed that today's boyfriend was
either 0ritish or e7#eedingly fond of all things 0ritish.
",at more!" =a22 urged. "!his is a #elebration!"
"-f what, your hair)" I asked, bemused.
""o, you arse," =a22 beamed. "I got a &ob!"
"+ou did)" I beamed ba#k. "!hat's e7#ellent!"
"(ell%" =a22 took a sip of her #offee. "I ran into this guy who does
porn fli#ks in (oosterton%"
I #hoked on a large sip of my #offee. "(-what)"
"-h, don't hae a heart atta#k," =a22 said, rolling her eyes. "I'm not
gonna star in any. *i#k 1 that's his name, isn't it funny) 1 is &ust gonna
take a bun#h of shots of my body without my fa#e, and put it into one
of the films or something. (hateer, not too #lear on the details. He'll
pay me three hundred bu#ks."
"+ou're kidding," I said weakly.
=a22's fa#e split into a huge grin. "Hon, you are so easy to work up."
I let out a sigh of relief.
""ah," =a22 said, still grinning. "I a#tually got a &ob in that Indian-
Continental restaurant, 9idhu's =oint) 'lthough, let me tell you, if
some guy did offer me three hundred bu#ks for shots of my body, I'd
be like, yeah sure, you want a blow &ob too)"
I lifted my #up in the air. "!o 9idhu's =oint," I said, and =a22 tou#hed
my #up with hers.
(e talked about the #ompetition for a while. =a22's response when
she heard of what ?a#h had done was reassuringly predi#table< "I told
you the whole lot of them are #rap," she said #ontemptuously.
"+eah, but%" I looked down at her doughnut. "(hat if%"athan isn't)"
=a22's eyes widened. "What)"
"It's &ust," I said hastily. "He #ame to the airport today with a sign. 'nd
he inited me to a party. 'nd he met Mi#hael, and they a#tually sort of
got along, and%he's sweet, =a22. I like being with 1"
""o," =a22 said de#isiely.
""o, what)" I said, beginning to feel #ross.
"+ou are not falling for "athan (ellington."
I frowned. "I didn't say I 1"
"-h, my $od, 9ummer!" =a22 said loudly. "9nap out of it! "ate
(ellington is not sweet. He's maybe not as #ruel or snobby as the rest
of them, but that &ust means he's weaker, and he's%he's &ust a
bumhole."
"How do you know, =a22)" I argued. "+ou haen't seen him in two
years."
=a22 stared at me for a few se#onds before saying abruptly, "+ou #an't
hae both worlds, 9ummer."
"(hy is there su#h a huge diide, =a22) (hy is it so wrong for me to
hang out with "athan, and foe "athan to hang out with me) (hy is
there always an us and a them)"
"I didn't make the rules, honey," =a22 said softly. "!hey did. 4eople like
/o7anne and ?a#h, and yes, een your pre#ious "ate."
I #losed my eyes. (hat was the point of trying to argue with =a22
about it) It wasn't like I was in loe with "athan or anything. It would
be best &ust to #hange the sub&e#t. "Hae you figured out what to do
with /o7anne and Mr Caldwell)"
"'#tually, I do hae an idea."
I opened my eyes. "/eally)"
=a22 nodded igorously. "If you #an somehow get Caldwell's address
for me, I #an break in and wait 1 with a #amera 1 for him and
/o7anne, and we #an post pi#tures all oer the s#hool 1"
",7cuse me)" I was taken aba#k.
"+eah, see, the last guy I saw was in prison, like, foreer. I pi#ked up a
lot of skills from him, and not all of them inole haing my mouth
around a guy's 1"
"=a22!"
"+eah, the point is, I #an totally do the 0 and , thing."
""o, =a22, I mean%" My head was starting to whirl. "!hat's insane!"
"(hy is it insane)" =a22 wanted to know.
"It's illegal!"
"'nd the Cartwright-Caldwell 9e7ual 'sso#iation isn't)"
"+ou #ould go to &ail!" I spluttered.
"I won't get #aught."
"!hey might meet somewhere else!"
"+ou got any better ideas)" =a22 stood up and drained the last of her
#offee in a gulp. "8isten, I hae to go. I snu#k out 1 eeryone went to
the Monday-eening seri#e for some goddamn reason. $et the addy,
okay)"
"0ut 1"
"+ou know, you're een starting to speak like them. !he #ultured
a##ent and all."
"=a22 1"
"9ay hello to your brother for me."
I shut my mouth. "*on't you hae a boyfriend)" I said a##usingly.
"Haen't had one for a week," =a22 said #heerfully.
"!hen what's with the 0ritish 1"
"!hought Mi#hael would like it." =a22 started wending her way to the
door.
"=a22 Cohen!" I yelled.
"$et the address!" =a22 shouted ba#k oer her shoulder before
melting into the darkness.
I slumped into my seat feebly, feeling like mentioning "athan had
ruined the entire #onersation. (hat would happen if I really started
liking him)
My walk home took me past /o#hester 4ark, and I noti#ed that the
8inbury Clo#k had been mounted on the gates. It was town tradition to
put up the #lo#k on the last month of the year. !he numbers
adertising the time 1 E pm 1 glowed like rubies in the dark, and below
them, the smaller letters adertising the date leapt out at me. !he
si7th of *e#ember.
&he si6th o, )ecember.
"eil's birthday.
How had I not remembered)
6or a moment, I stood rooted to the spot, tempted to #all up ?a#h and
pretend I'd forgien him &ust so I #ould talk to someone about the fa#t
that today was my dead brother's birthday. !hen I remembered< ?a#h
wasn't the only person in this town who knew about "eil. (hat if%
what if%
4ossessed by a sudden sense of e7hilaration, I ran all the way to our
house. I took the stairs two at a time and didn't stop until I was at the
entran#e of the atti#.
I hadn't been inside the atti# sin#e my first day at 8inbury. It was dark
in it, and I was #learly not the only person who hadn't isited it to #lean
it up> it smelled mildewy and was #oered in dust and #obwebs.
*o2ens of bo7es #luttered the wooden floor. 6rom memory, I knew
what they #ontained< CeeCee and Mi#hael's high s#hool memorabilia,
all of our grade s#hool and elementary s#hool drawings and books
that had been salaged during the moe, old pi#tures and notes my
family had sent ea#h other, *ad and 'nn's #ourtship letters, old
photographs and #lothes, and eerything 1 everything 1 we'd bought
in California.
'nd in the three bo7es lying forlornly in the #orner, "eil's things.
I stepped #autiously oer to "eil's bo7es and sat #ross-legged on the
dusty floor in front of them. !he first one #ontained nothing but
#lothes. I held a few tiny shirts to my fa#e before reali2ing I was
growing teary-eyed and pushing the bo7 aside. !he se#ond one
#ontained his toys. I riffled through them ;ui#kly. His faourite teddy
bear and his 0eyblades weren't there, whi#h upset me, but I ;ui#kly
set the bo7 aside too. In the third bo7, I found what I was looking for.
(ithout pausing to think, I #arried the third bo7 to my father's study,
set it down on the floor behind me, and kno#ked.
"9ummer)" My father looked mildly sho#ked to see me. "Is eerything
all right)"
*id he #are) "Can we talk)" I said braely.
*ad raised his palm to his eyes and rubbed at them, looking tired of
me already but not unkind. "May I know what about)"
I mustered all my #ourage, looked him in the eye, and said, "It's "eil's
birthday."
*ad's fa#e #losed off. "I'm busy."
I wanted to turn around and slink off under his glare, but I stood my
ground. ""eil loed his birthday. /emember)
"I assume you hae homework to do," *ad said tightly.
""o, I don't, be#ause I didn't go to s#hool today. +ou know why, *ad)"
My oi#e was louder than I wanted it to be> I wanted my *ad to think I
was in #ontrol, be#ause that was something he appre#iated. ""o, of
#ourse you don't. It's be#ause I was at a writing #ompetition. In
9eattle. -n the (est Coast. !he (est Coast, *ad. (here "eil died."
I saw fury grow on my father's fa#e and I thought with pleased fear
that now, now he surely would e7plode. 0ut he didn't. He said #oldly, "I
sin#erely hope you won."
I stared at him in utter disbelief for a few se#onds before saying shrilly,
"Why are you so opposed to talking about "eil)"
"$o to your room, 9ummer," *ad said dismissiely.
I took a deep breath, trying to slow down the pounding of my heart.
8osing #ontrol wouldn't a##omplish anything. Maybe we #ould rea#h a
#ompromise. "Can we at least talk about 'nn)" I said shakily.
"!here's nothing to talk, about 9ummer," *ad said through #len#hed
teeth.
I turned away without a single word more. !his man was%impossible.
Maybe I was better at #onfrontation than I'd been before, but I #ouldn't
fight him, I &ust #ouldn't. "ot alone%
Hadley! Hadley hated my father een more than I did at that moment.
9tarting to shake, I #hanged dire#tion and started striding towards my
stepsister's room, not letting myself think that I was maybe being
stupid or &ust a glutton for punishment. It was "eil's birthday, Hadley
had to be more ulnerable today%
I pushed open the door to her room timidly. It was #ompletely bare, I
saw, &ust like mine was, but unlike mine, it was a mess< dust, beer
bottles, &unk food and #lothes strewn eerywhere. 6or a moment I
thought it was empty, but then I saw Hadley. 9he was slumped at her
desk, head resting on her arms.
"Hadley)" I whispered, suddenly reali2ing that this was most likely a
terrible idea.
Hadley's head shot up. 9he looked at me spee#hlessly with bloodshot
eyes, as if transfi7ed by my temerity in entering her room. "(hat the
fu#k do you want)" she slurred.
"Can we talk)" I asked, ignoring the fear 1 and the pity 1 making my
stoma#h #len#h.
"'bout what, the fu#king bit#h you are)" Hadley sneered.
6unny, Hadley's #omment reminded me of ?a#h saying mu#h the
same thing to me all the time. 6eeling an ine7pli#able spurt of
#ourage, I said, "+ou said 1 you said I don't #are about this family."
Hadley let out a mirthless laugh. "-h, you really want to talk, do you)
Hae a talk and make things better for poor little Hadley. (hat is this,
&he !ogan Family) $et the fu#k out and stay out."
I took a step forward. "It's "eil's birthday."
Hadley looked at me. Her fa#e #ontra#ted, suddenly looking more
ulnerable than I'd eer seen it. "I%" Her oi#e trailed off. I hadn't
dared to e7pe#t that rea#tion> en#ouraged, I took another step
forward, #lut#hing my bo7. "I know," she said finally.
I for#ed a smile. "+eah."
Hadley's fa#e #hanged again. "9o)" she said harshly.
I took a step ba#k. "It's &ust%nobody eer talks about him, and today
espe#ially, it isn't fair be#ause%"eil loed his birthday. /emember)"
Hadley's fa#e was #hanging a third time, #losing up, and I talked
desperately fast. "He'd wake up at some unearthly hour and get
#ompletely depressed if eeryone else wasn't already awake and if we
didn't already hae #ake and presents and musi# ready%"
"(hat do you want, 9ummer)" Hadley asked raggedly.
I took another step ba#kward so I was standing outside her room. "I%I
got all this stuff from the atti#. +ou know, "eil's ideos and stuff. I
thought we #ould."
Hadley looked at the bo7 and then up at me. I almost thought I had
her, but then fury #loaked the ulnerability on her fa#e. "$et out," she
said steadily.
"(e #ould wat#h them, Hads, he deseres to be remembered today,
and I know you%" 0ut I was ba#king away fast.
"$et out!" Hadley shrieked, throwing a paper weight on her desk at
the door so hard that it slammed shut in my fa#e.
I was still standing outside that door ten minutes later when Mi#hael
#ame hurrying up on the way to his room> I was motionless, #lut#hing
"eil's bo7 to my #hest like it #ontained the blueprints re;uired to
#onstru#t another !a& Mahal.
"9ummer)" Mi#hael said #autiously.
I looked at him. "It's "eil's birthday," I said for the third time, but
without any sort of hope in my oi#e.
Mi#hael didn't say anything. He took the bo7 from my hands and
looked through the mish-mash of tapes and photo albums in it,
marked '"eil's Christmas 4lay', '"eil's 9e#ond 0irthday', '"eil in 8','
'"eil 't :indergarten'%!hen he looked at me and said, "+ou want to
wat#h them)"
I felt my mouth fall open. "+ou 1 you'd do that)"
"If you want," said Mi#hael.
"He did loe his birthday," I said, my oi#e #ra#king.
Mi#hael nodded.
It wasn't e7a#tly what I'd had in mind when I'd dug out the bo7, but an
hour later, sitting in Mi#hael's room wat#hing "eil boun#e around his
se#ond birthday party in a bright blue 4ower /angers shirt while he
unwrapped presents with a glowing fa#e 1 a 9piderman #ake from
Hadley, his first bike from 'nn and *ad, brightly-#olored *r 9euss
books from an aunt 1 and #rying the way I hadn't been able to when
"eil had been buried, I almost didn't #are.
's I wat#hed "eil rush into 'nn's arms and both turn ear-to-ear grins
on the #amera, I said suddenly, ""eil would be totally bewildered if he
saw us now."
"He's dead," Mi#hael said pragmati#ally.
I didn't want to get into a dis#ussion about $od and heaen and
rein#arnation, so all I said was, "I'm talking hypotheti#ally."
Mi#hael gae me a strange look. "(hy do you #are so mu#h)"
"'bout what)" I wat#hed 'nn, stunning in a bright blue $otte7 bikini,
pull an eleen-month-old "eil around in the shallow end of the pool at
0lake Hospital, laughing as "eil put a minis#ule hand out and
splashed her gorgeous red #urls. "eil grinned too, then, and both 'nn
and Hadley, behind the #amera, went into hysteri#s< "-h, my $od! -h,
my .od, he 9MI8,*! 6rank, he smiled! -h, baby, I loe you!"
"'bout getting us ba#k to the way we were," Mi#hael said graely.
"!hat's impossible." "eil and his first friend /i#ky smushed #ake on
ea#h other's fa#es at "eil's fourth birthday party. "I &ust want 1 us to
stop a#ting like we'e all died along with "eil."
"!hat might be hard."
I nodded. "+ou know what we need) 4rofessional help. 8ike
#ounselling. 6or 'nn and Hadley first, maybe, and then family
#ounselling."
"I know some shrinks at the hospital," Mi#hael said ;uietly.
I &erked my head away from the s#reen. "'re you suggesting what I
think you're suggesting)"
Mi#hael nodded. "If you're willing to dupe 'nn into an appointment, I
#an arrange one."
"(ow," I breathed. "(ow, Mi#hael. +ou'e got to be the best brother
on the planet."
Mi#hael looked embarrassed by my un#hara#teristi# show of emotion.
"!hank you," he said politely.
8lop!
I looked in alarm out the window, from where the soft sound had
#ome. 'nd promptly let out a shriek that almost made Mi#hael fall off
his bed.
"It's snowing!" I yelled gleefully, running to the window.
(hile we'd been engrossed in "eil's ideos, the powers of
#ondensation and pre#ipitation had transformed 8inbury into a winter
wonderland. 6resh, spotless white snow #oated the dark grounds,
dripped off trees and roofs and window ledges, and made the world in
my immediate i#inity look #lean and glowing. Immediately, I thought
of Christmas trees and warm #innamon buns and 9anta Claus and
snuggling up in thi#k warm blankets while wat#hing 8olar 4Cpress and
other #heesy holiday moies.
""eil loed snow," Mi#hael said ;uietly. "It made his day if it rained or
snowed on his birthday."
I felt breathless. "*o you want to go outside)"
!here was a long, long silen#e, during whi#h I waited for Mi#hael to be
a sensible adult and remind me that it was a s#hool night. !hen 1
"+eah," he said.
"0y the way," I said as we grabbed our #oats and gloes, "you'e
neer told me what you think of "athan."
"He's okay," said Mi#hael.
Coming from a guy who wouldn't use superlaties to des#ribe the
taste of 0elgium Cho#olate i#e-#ream after haing fasted for a month,
this was high praise. "-kay," I said, smiling.
'nd that was how Mi#hael and I ended "eil's birthday< horsing around
in the ba#kyard of the house I was finally starting to think of as home,
throwing #lumps of snow at ea#h other, whooping and laughing, doing
what our brother had always loed to do.
I wasn't a lying manipulatie bit#h. I wasn't.
9o why was I standing outside =immy Caldwell's offi#e on !uesday
afternoon, mentally rehearsing the lies I would feed him to manipulate
him into giing me his home address)
"9o what's on your mind, 9ummer)" Mr Caldwell asked with a friendly
smile.
!he smile freaked me out. I'd resoled to be #alm and #omposed
when I'd kno#ked on his offi#e door, but now I reali2ed that I was
alone with a man who was haing an affair with his seenteen-year-
old student. "ot that I thought he was going to rape me, but%
"3m," I said nerously, twisting my hands in my lap. "3m, a#tually, Mr
Caldwell, I'm haing some trouble with%your #lass."
Mr Caldwell looked #on#erned. "0ut you did e7#ellently on your last
test."
# cheated, I #onsidered saying. 0ut no. I #ouldn't risk my s#holarship
&ust to get /o7anne. I wondered desperately what to tell him.
"I know," I said finally. "0ut%I &ust didn't get the #on#ept you taught
this morning. +ou see, sir, I'm%on s#holarship and my grades matter
a lot to me, so%" I looked him straight in the eye and hoped my
e7pression didn't gie away how I felt, whi#h was%well%e7tremely
pukey. "I wonder if it would be possible for me to #ome by your house
some time this eening so you #ould e7plain it to me, sir."
-h, shit. I reali2ed with mortifi#ation as soon as the words left my
mouth that I didn't sound like I wanted to be tutored. I sounded like I
wanted to be%something else.
-h, gross. (here was =a22 when I needed her)
Mr Caldwell looked ;ui22i#al. "+ou know it's against student poli#y for
students to 'go by' their tea#hers' residen#es." !his mu#h was true<
students weren't supposed to know where their tea#hers lied, due to
an in#ident in ABLC when a 4rin#eton-bound boy #alled ,rnest
0randon had gotten an 6 in 6ren#h and had walked to his tea#her's
house that eening. (ith a gun. "0ut I #an e7plain it to you right after
s#hool here if you want."
Eust give me your ,ucking address already! I wanted to s#ream.
Instead, I wiped a bead of sweat away from my forehead and for#ed
myself to say #almly, "!hank you, Mr Caldwell."
"I must say I'm pleased with your 1" Mr Caldwell broke off as Mrs
Montgomery poked her head in through the door.
"=immy," she purred 1 yes, purred. I didn't know what was more
sho#king, that or the fa#t that she'd a#tually worn mas#ara today.
"=immy, I'e got that tea you asked for in the staff lounge. !ake it now,
will you)"
Mr Caldwell looked gra#efully embarrassed, unlike Mrs Montgomery
herself. "=ust a moment, 9ummer," he murmured apologeti#ally,
getting to his feet.
I opened my mouth to tell him not to worry, I'd be getting ba#k to the
dining room for lun#h, but then I #aught sight of something on the
edge of his desk. 9omething that looked like a pile of mail. Interesting.
"9ure," I said politely.
!he moment he'd e7ited, I leaped oer to his desk and, ignoring the
drumming of my heart, shuffled through the pile of papers ;ui#kly.
Most of them were letters already separated from their enelopes, but
the last one was unopened. !he enelope was addressed to "=ames
Caldwell, 'ppt I0, !aylor Comple7, JAst 8aser 9treet, 8inbury."
0ingo.
"ow if only I #ould stop feeling like I was guilty of haing murdered
4rin#ipal Cartwright.
I #ut s#hool after lun#h, and not &ust be#ause I had ,nglish 1 with
?a#h 1 either. Mi#hael had #alled me after third period and told me
that 8inbury Hospital's best psy#hiatrist, *r 9teele, had a#tually
agreed to 'meet' 'nn at two.
I hurried home through the snow-#oered streets, feeling happy as I
remembered my snowball fight with Mi#hael last night. 's I'd hoped,
'nn was home alone. 9he was wat#hing one of her soap operas in
the liing room and didn't een look up when I burst in.
I looked at the s#reen. It wasn't a telenoela, as I'd assumed< =ensen
'#kles was s#reaming in a bedroom. Supernatural reruns. Huh.
"'nn, we're going shopping," I announ#ed loudly, my oi#e
reerberating through the empty house.
'nn looked up at me, her huge eyes mildly #onfused. ""ow)" she said
softly.
I swit#hed the !. off, suddenly feeling like someone's mother. "How
long has it been sin#e you last shopped)"
"I don't know," 'nn whispered.
"(e went to /odeo *rie," I said #heerily. "/emember) (e bought
"eil a sweatshirt."
I noted with guilty satisfa#tion that sho#k repla#ed the #onfusion on
her fa#e. "8et's go," I said gently. "(e #an get you a ni#e dress to
da22le *ad."
'nn lur#hed to her feet. 9he was wearing stret#h pants, three
sweaters, gloes and mismat#hed so#ks. "o wonder, the house was
free2ing. "0ut..." she said da2edly.
Hadley would hae told her she looked like a homeless person. I
#ouldn't. I dragged her out to the foyer, ordered her to put on her
shoes, and mar#hed her out of the front door. I'd meant it when I'd
thought I was done with being gentle and #onsiderate and meek.
(e took a bus to the hospital. 'nn's fa#e was bewildered and da2ed
throughout the ride> she seemed #ompletely unable to #ompute all she
saw, #ompletely sho#ked by the sight of snow and the sky and
people's fa#es. 9he #len#hed my hand like I was all she knew, and I
felt an enormous wae of pity and anger. How #ould my father dream
of deserting this frail woman)
Mi#hael had gien me dire#tions to *r 9teele's offi#e and I mar#hed
straight in after telling her se#retary who I was, not een remotely
bothered anymore about running into my father somewhere. Screw
my father.
*r 9teele's offi#e was mu#h warmer than my own home, and warmly
de#orated, with mint green walls and the painting of a bun#h of boats
bobbing around the waters of a Caribbean island on one of them. It
looked ni#e. 'nd so, I saw, did the tiny middle-aged woman with fine
features sitting behind the tasteful brown desk in the middle of the
room.
9he stood up as I approa#hed hesitantly. "+ou must be 9ummer," she
said, her pretty blue eyes warm.
"+eah," I said with a nerous smile. I looked at 'nn, who was right
behind me, #lut#hing my sleee in a tou#hingly patheti# gesture and
blinking at *r 9teele in fearful #onfusion. "!his is my 1 this is 'nn."
"Hello, 'nn," *r 9teele said warmly, holding out her hand. "I'm
8auren."
"Hello," said 'nn softly. 9he looked at me. "I 1 I thought we were
going shopping for a dress," she said un#ertainly.
"+ou are," said *r 9teele before I #ould open my mouth. "In fa#t,
you're here be#ause I'd like to dis#uss some #olour #hoi#es with you,
among other things. (hy don't you take a seat."
'nn looked at me and I for#ed a reassuring smile> she babystepped
oer to one of the swiel #hairs in front of *r 9teele's desk. I started to
&oin her, but *r 9teele's oi#e stopped me. "(hy don't you sit outside
while 'nn and I talk, 9ummer)" she suggested gently.
I looked at 'nn. 9he looked so helpless and hopeless that I hated the
thought of leaing her alone. "3m, a#tually 1"
"4lease," said *r 9teele. 9he gae me a reassuring smile and unlike
mine, hers wasn't for#ed.
I felt both nerous and relieed as I stepped into the outer offi#e and
sat down on the #ou#h in front of the se#retary< getting 'nn to *r
9teele had been easier than I'd hoped, but what if I had inadertantly
opened a 4andora's bo7) I had &he +lack &ulip in my ba#kpa#k, but
for on#e I wasn't in the mood for reading. I stared tensely at my hands
until an hour had elapsed and 'nn emerged from *r 9teele's, her fa#e
white, her e7pression more da2ed than I'd eer seen it.
Instin#tiely I walked up to her and wrapped my arms around her. It
had been months sin#e I had hugged her and I was sho#ked by the
bony hardness of her body, een though I #ould see it for myself. "'re
you okay)" I murmured.
'nn nodded da2edly. *r 9teele said in her kind een tone, "9ummer,
#an I see you inside for a moment)"
'nn sat down on the #ou#h I'd been o##upying and I followed *r
9teele into her offi#e. "(hat's wrong with her)" I blurted the moment
I'd sat down.
"Mi#hael has told me a lot about you," *r 9teele said, ignoring my
;uestion.
I smiled un#omfortably, surprised.
"How has he been through this whole 1 moe)"
"He's been great," I said stiffly. "In fa#t, I don't know why he's stood by
me as mu#h as he has."
*r 9teele smiled. "He admires you ery mu#h," she said.
I blinked. "He does)"
"Mi#hael's a ery bla#k-and-white person 1 he reminds me of your
father, in fa#t." My fa#e must hae #ontorted, be#ause she said, "Is
that a bad thing)"
""o," I lied.
"(ell, I think Mi#hael has seen his entire family #ollapse after the 1
#risis. ,7#ept for you, 9ummer. I think he wants to help you as mu#h
as he #an be#ause you haen't 1 be#ause you're the only one he can
help. How old are you, 9ummer)"
""early si7teen," I said smoothly.
"'nd you'e been holding up so admirably."
"I guess it's be#ause..." I felt wildly self-#ons#ious, talking about
myself to a person I barely knew. "(ell, I don't know, really. I loed
"eil, but it didn't affe#t me that mu#h. 's mu#h as Hadley and 'nn
and, um, *ad."
"+ou want to know what I feel about that)" *r 9teele asked.
"9ure."
"+our stepmother, stepsister and father rea#ted the way they did
be#ause at least from what I #an see with 'nn, they blame themseles
for what happened."
I gaped. "!hat's ridi#ulous."
I was pleasantly surprised with *r 9teele. 6rom !. and moies and
books I'd assumed shrinks to be se#ond-guessing, #autious people
who always wanted to know what others thought and neer
olunteered their own opinions.
*r 9teele smiled. "+ou hae more in #ommon with Mi#hael than I
thought. (hy don't you tell me what really happened)"
!he ;uestion #aught me unawares. I blinked at her for a few se#onds,
images for#ing their way to my mind's eye no matter how hard I tried
to keep them down. *r 9teele waited, smiling at me with so mu#h
understanding that I finally blurted out, "I'm not ;uite sure."
*r 9teele sureyed me mutely.
"I 1 I mean, I know, but I wasn't a#tually there when 1 it 1 happened," I
said in a rush "I mean, we were in 9an 6ransis#o. /ight after my
freshman year, and I was there but I wasn't there when it happened
be#ause our hotel didn't hae Mallomars in the minibar and my sister
,ri#a woke up with a #raing for them and I had to go out to this
9een-,leen to get them but our hotel was kind of far away from
#onenien#e stores be#ause, you know, it was like a resort kind of
pla#e 1 " I stopped abruptly, reali2ing that I was babbling. 'nd also
that I had un#ons#iously started swinging my legs the way I had in
9eattle with ?a#h when I'd told him about "eil.
"(hen I #ame ba#k, he was dead," I #on#luded flatly.
!here was a silen#e. I dug my nails into the arms of my seat, my eyes
on the ground, feeling her kind blue-eyed ga2e on me. 3nwillingly, I
remembered< the poli#emen standing beside the yellow tape all
around a beautiful blue swimming pool, pity on their fa#es. 'nn
s#reaming like a woman haing her soul torn out of her body, *ad
standing rigid and fro2en-fa#ed, Hadley shaking on her knees in front
of "eil's body. !he twins #lut#hing ea#h other... -h, $od. 2h, .od.
0efore I knew it, tears were seeping down my fa#e.
"9ummer," said *r 9teele !here was gentle #ompassion in her oi#e
but there was also firmness, a firmness that made me feel better than
any amount of sympathy #ould hae. "9ummer, please go on."
I #losed my eyes and thought of ?a#h be#ause he was the one person
I'd been able to spill my guts to without holding ba#k. "I 1 I found out
from the poli#e, so 1 um 1" I stroe to deta#h myself from the
memories. "3m, as far as I know, they were in the pool. Hadley was 1
tea#hing "eil to swim. 'll of them were at the pool, e7#ept I think
Mi#hael was reading inside and 1 and there was this earth;uake> it
only lasted a minute but it was it was 1" I #len#hed the arms of my
#hair een tighter. 6lashing red lights, yellow tape, the heartrending
s#reams of a woman I loed like a mother.
*r 9teele offered me a bo7 of pale pink tissues. I waed it off, fisting
my tears away.
"Hadley was sitting on the edge of the pool and 1 she got thrown
against the ground and 1 and 1" !he inisible hand #hoking my throat
was ba#k. ""eil drowned. *ad and 'nn #ouldn't get to him fast
enough."
(e sat mutely in silen#e for a long time, *r 9teele and I. Her offi#e
was #loistered from the rest of the hospital and I suddenly yearned for
its busy bustle.
"I'd really like to meet Hadley," *r 9teele said finally. "*o you think you
#ould arrange that, 9ummer)"
/elieed to be off the topi# of "eil, I sat up straighter. "I don't 1"
"!ry, all right) I hae faith in you."
"-kay," I said.
,en though 'nn still looked #onfused and bewildered on the ride
home, she didn't #len#h my hand as tightly as she had before. 'nd
that made me happy.
(hen I got ba#k home, my #ell phone was ringing. 'll I wanted was to
#rawl into a s#alding hot shower and then get into bed> I felt
#ompletely drained, both emotionally and physi#ally. I #ontemplated
not answering, but then I did.
"9ummer)" It was !alia. !o my astonishment, her oi#e sounded small
and s#ared. "9ummer, #an you please #ome oer)"
I #he#ked my wat#h. It was dark outside, but it was only fie. I wanted
to s#ream in frustration. "Is something wrong)"
"Mother and ?a#h are both out, 9ummer," !alia said in that pitiful
oi#e. "Mother said she'd be ba#k by four but she &ust #alled 1 and
she's going to be late and the #ook and =ulianna aren't here and it's so
dark, 9ummer, and I don't know what to do 1 we'll pay you e7tra if you
#ome now, 9ummer, please 1"
Her oi#e trailed off. I wanted to #urse at her, but I said, "I'll be right
oer" and dis#onne#ted the #all.
9ometimes I really hated myself.
!alia met me at the door. 9he wasn't as pale and frightened-looking as
I'd e7pe#ted. 9he &ust looked a little tense, and she immediately put
out her hand and dragged me indoors. !hen, before I #ould say a
word, she was halfway up the stairs.
"+ou okay)" I asked as I followed.
!alia gae me a nerous look oer her shoulder. "!hank you for
#oming," she said meekly
I suddenly felt suspi#ious. !alia was good friends with /o7anne> why
hadn't she #alled her) 'nd how had she obtained my #ell phone
number) (hy did she look so nerous) "!alia 1"
"I &ust want to sit in my room, okay)" !alia said, sounding a lot more
like her normal bratty self.
I frowned as I stopped behind her on the landing of the third floor. "0ut
1"
!hree things happened in ;ui#k su##ession. ' hand shot out from the
room we were standing in front of, pulled me and !alia inside before I
#ould een think of rea#ting, and slammed the door shut> I looked up,
too astonished to be s#ared or angry, at ?a#h $ellar's fa#e> and !alia
held out her palm and said, "-kay, now I want my money."
-h, my fu#king $od.
I was standing in what was #learly ?a#h's room. It was as spa#ious as
the rest of the house, with polished wooden walls and a big white bed
and anti;ue-looking furniture, and it didn't look a thing like I imagined
?a#h would hae wanted his room to look like e7#ept for a large
poster of $ein 3amp, slashed with a red pen on the wall aboe the
bed.
"Here," ?a#h said, and shoed four twenty-dollar bills roughly into his
little sister's hand. !alia gae him an elated smile and s#urried oer to
a #orner, where another episode of &hat's So Raven was playing on a
wides#reen !..
"+ou 1 you 1 you 1" I re#oered the ability to speak. !oo bad I still
#ouldn't speak #oherently.
"Hello," ?a#h said #omposedly, finally fa#ing me.
"+ou're evil!" I spluttered out finally.
""o, I'm resour#eful," ?a#h said #oolly.
"I #an't beliee you 1 you would bribe her to get me here!" I shrieked.
"!here was no other way to, was there)" ?a#h asked rhetori#ally.
I looked at the door, outraged. "oti#ing the dire#tion of my ga2e, he
stepped oer and stood in front of it, barring my es#ape route. "+ou
asshole," I said a##usingly.
"!ake it as a #ompliment and &ust shut up and listen."
I took a deep breath. 6ine. He wanted me to listen) I would listen to
whateer he had to say and then mar#h out with dignity.
"6u#king let me out!" I yelled instead. "+ou poser!"
"I'm not a poser," ?a#h said, his eyes fli#kering.
"+es, you are! 'nd a liar, too! +ou put up this preten#e of not #aring
about anything 1"
"It's not preten#e," ?a#h #ut me off sharply. "I don't #are about a lot of
things 1 most people in the world, for instan#e. I don't #are about
popularity, or what people think of me, or tsunamis and earth;uakes
far away, or 1 lots of other things. 0ut I do #are about some things. I
#are about the fa#t that "athan #ould pra#ti#ally get away with murder,
and I #are about ,nglish. +ou know why) 0e#ause it's about the only
thing I'm good at."
I snorted. "4lease, ?a#h. +ou get 's in pra#ti#ally eery sub&e#t." "ot
to mention that he was in#redibly good at looking as hot as he did.
"!hat doesn't mean I'm good at them. !hat &ust means I #an memori2e
a bun#h of bullshit tea#hers and te7tbooks throw at me about them."
I s#owled. "(hy are you so ;ui#k to assume that eerything other
people say is bull 1"
"My parents," he said softly. "My parents, eer sin#e I was a kid I used
to 1 not want to do things their friends' kids did. 9o they always made
me, and een if I was #rap at those things, they'd get other people to
a##ept it by using their #onne#tions. I s#rewed up my !hornton
interiew when I was four 1 I got in be#ause my father agreed to
represent /o7anne's in some lawsuit free of #ost. My mom told me
that, okay) 'nd you know why I een be#ame friends with "athan's
gang) 0e#ause my mom told their parents, I'm worried about ?a#hie,
he'd rather read than play with other kids, please &ust let him play with
your kids een if he's a little diffi#ult sometimes."
He looked at me, and the rawness in his e7pression made me flin#h.
"I'm fu#king si#k of it, 9ummer. I'm sick of liing on their terms. I'm sick
of thinking I'll be nothing if my parents don't use their #onne#tions on
my behalf. I &ust want to a##omplish something on my own. (ithout
any help. -kay)"
I swallowed, starting to understand. "9o it wasn't about you being way
better than me)"
He met my ga2e s;uarely. "I spoke to Ms 0lake about that essay."
My &aw dropped. "+ou what)"
"I told her the truth. 'nd I showed her the original essay."
"+ou did)" I stared at him.
"9he said my essay was fantasti#, but ours wasn't only be#ause it was
dis&ointedly arranged." He swallowed and looked away from me. "9he
said we work e7#ellently on our own, but we're a great team as well
be#ause we both hae something to #ontribute to ea#h other's style
and iew point 9he said 1 she said we &ust don't know how to #o-
operate."
I stared some more. "9he did)"
"9he gae me *etention," he added a trifle sulkily.
I #lamped my mouth shut. "It's not like you don't desere it."
He frowned. "6or a week."
I shrugged. "+ou do, you know."
"(hateer."
I wanted to laun#h myself a#ross the room and wrap my arms around
him. Instead, I looked away and glan#ed at the episode !alia was
wat#hing.
"!he truth doesn't hae to rhyme," one of the a#tors said. "It &ust has
to hurt."
(ell, here was the truth< I'd a#tually kind of missed ?a#h. I'd een
missed fighting with him. "?a#h)"
"+eah)"
"I think I 1" I swallowed. "I want us to be friends."
He didn't look at me. "(hateer."
I wasn't disappointed.
I had gone to a few trendy #lubs with /a#hael in Manhattan, and
$ala7y during ,e's party wasn't any fan#ier than they had been, but
the interior still made me nerous. It was so full of !hornton's best in
their #ustomary designerwear, drinking, laughing, looking #ompletely
at home, and not fighting yet be#ause it was still early. "athan, in a
pale blue 8a#oste shirt and dark blue &eans, fit in perfe#tly as he
handed his &a#ket and #ap to the boun#er. ,en in my pink wrap
dress, I didn't.
"+ou okay)" "athan asked, pla#ing a hand lightly on my shoulder.
I nodded, glan#ing around. $ala7y was done up in dark blue and
siler and made to resemble the inside of a spa#eship> a *= spun
beats in the #orner, whi#h looked like a flight #o#kpit. It seemed kind of
ta#ky, but what did I know) "I think so."
"(ant me to introdu#e you to some people)" "athan nodded at a
group of good-looking guys from the basketball team sipping beers at
the only booth in the #lub and making out with their *ol#e and
$abbana miniskirt-#lad girlfriends. !he #lub wasn't remotely full yet, I
noti#ed. Clearly the guest list was small and #arefully #ompiled.
I glan#ed around again, trying not to make it too obious that I was
looking for /o7anne 1 not ?a#h, een though we were sort of friends
now, be#ause ?a#h had mentioned that he wouldn't be going to ,e's
party earlier. I spotted her nearby talking to a group ne7t to the
basketball team guys. 's if sensing my eyes on her, she raised hers.
(e stared at one another> her eyes narrowed, my stoma#h leaped
an7iously.
"I think I'll get a drink," I said to "athan. "+ou go talk to those guys if
you want."
"athan ;uirked an eyebrow. "(e #ould dan#e instead."
"I'm really thirsty," I lied. 9omething about the way /o7anne was
glaring at me was making me think that a few sips of odka wouldn't
be so bad after all. 0esides, I was free2ing.
"I'll see you in fie, then," "athan said ;ui2i#ally, then stepped towards
the basketball team. I wat#hed him walk away for a se#ond. I liked
how tall he was, and I loed the way he walked 1 shoulders thrown
ba#k, head held #onfidently, but his gait easy enough for it not to be a
strut.
"' Cosmo, please," I said to the bartender, #hanging my mind about
the odka. In the #lubs /a#hael had taken me to, the bartenders had
had long hair in a ariety of #olours and at least one pier#ing or tattoo.
Here the guy looked like a #lean-#ut boy band member.
"9ummer)" purred a friendly female oi#e behind me.
I spun around, shoulders tensing. :arin (u stood there in head-to-toe
*:"+ with the redhead /o7anne had taken to 0oston. "Hi," I said
un#ertainly.
!he redhead smiled at me. "Can we talk to you outside for a se#ond)"
"3m." ' ague sense of forbiddng tugged at my instin#ts> I ignored it.
"(hat about)"
:arin and the redhead e7#hanged looks, and then :arin leaned
forward and whispered dramati#ally, "!here's something on your
dress."
I wasn't really buying it, but I felt #urious. "3m, okay."
!he moment I had e7ited the inside of the #lub with them and rea#hed
the foyer right outside, I knew I'd made a big, big mistake. !hat was
be#ause barely had I taken two steps out when :arin and the redhead
took a step towards ea#h other, blo#king off the entran#e 1 and
/o7anne emerged from the shadows, stopping right in front of me.
How the fu#k had I gotten so stupid) It was like putting on eyeliner two
days in a row had warped my brain.
"I didn't inite you," /o7anne said #oolly.
"It's not your party," I said, &ust as #oolly.
:arin gae a derisie giggle. "Clothes aren't the only thing you're
#lueless about, are they)"
",ery party is /o7anne's party," the redhead #himed in.
I #rossed my arms oer my #hest. ""athan inited me," I said, only
slightly shakily.
/o7anne gae me a bored look. "I'll let him know you left."
I un#rossed my arms and took a step forward. 6u#k these bony
bit#hes> I was going to be assertie. I #ould handle them. ""o,
be#ause I'm not leaing."
"Clark," said :arin and the redhead, in unison. Immediately the large,
burly boun#er who'd taken "athan's #lothes stepped from behind
them.
-kay. Him I #ouldn't handle.
"(hen are you going to get it, new girl)" /o7anne wanted to know.
"!his is my world."
"+ou're not $od, /o7anne," I said ;uietly. I kind of wanted to #ry, but I
also wanted to leae with dignity.
"-h, yeah)" /o7anne stepped #loser, lowered her oi#e. "8ook
around you, Samantha. ,erything happens the way # want them to."
I met her ga2e, feeling a rush of anger that was #ompletely different
from the furious irritation ?a#h inspired in me routinely. (hateer
reserations I'd had about doing what =a22 wanted me to were
anishing, leaing behind hatred for /o7anne. I hated her at that
moment, I really did> what gae her the right to behae this way)
"!hen I guess you must not want me to like you, /o7y."
!he words hadn't #ome from me or Clark or /o7anne's bit#he.s
!hey'd #ome from "athan (ellington, who was stepping around Clark
with a de#eptiely mild look on his fa#e.
""athan!" /o7anne's smug demeanour disappeared before I #ould
blink. "I was &ust 1"
"0e#ause I don't right now," "athan said e;uably.
/o7anne stared at him for a long se#ond, her fa#e #ontorting. 6or a
longer se#ond, there was silen#e. !hen 1
"+ou think you're better than me, don't you)" 'n e;ually bland smile
rushed into her fa#e.
"/ight now, I think I am," "athan said.
"+ou goddamn hypo#rite," /o7anne hissed. 9uddenly, I might as well
not hae been there. "+ou'e s#rewed oer as many people as I
hae."
""o, I haen't," "athan said #almly. "I'e s#rewed as many people as
you hae, yeah, but I'e neer plotted against people and I'e neer
gotten inoled in your nasty little endettas 1"
"+ou're a liar," /o7anne said. 9he pointed at me, and I took a step
ba#kwards. "*idn't you get inoled where she's #on#erned) +ou think
he likes you, new girl) 0e#ause news flash< he doesn't."
"+ou know what) I did lie," "athan said, losing some of his #alm
suddenly. "I did lie about her. !o you. (hat I told you I wanted from
her wasn't what I wanted. -kay) It wasn't," he said, looking at me
almost desperately, as if e7pe#ting me to slap him and walk away.
"I know," I said soothingly.
/o7anne gaped at him. "-h, my $od, "athan! (hat do you want
then) !o play a goddamn white knight) !o be saed from yourself)
(hat kind of stupid #li#h@ are you pursuing here)"
!hey stared at ea#h other as if neither of them belieed what the other
was saying. I held my breath, head starting to whirl.
"=ust fu#king forget it," "athan said finally. "I don't hae to e7plain
myself to you."
/o7anne's fa#e #rumpled. ""ate 1"
"Call me when you're sober, okay)" "athan said, a #ontemptuous
edge to his oi#e.
""atie, please 1 "
"(ould you mind if we left now)" "athan said to me.
I shrugged, suddenly feeling prote#tie of him. "I'd loe to leae right
now."
/o7anne looked from him to me and then ba#k again at him. !hen
she spun around and stalked into $ala7y, her brown boots #li#k-
#la#king noisily.
"athan and I didn't speak until we were out on the street, #run#hing
snow under our shoes. "I'm sorry about that," he said, looking down at
the white sidewalk.
I ki#ked at some snow. "'re you okay)"
"athan looked at me. "I should be asking you that."
"Hey, I &ust got bit#hed at by a bony bit#h. +ou're the one who had a
fight with your best friend."
"athan grinned wryly. "+eah, well, I'm getting used to it. (e'e been
doing a lot of that lately. I mean, I loe her and all, but 1" He sighed
gustily. "I don't know. !hings are #hanging between us, and I don't 1
she neer used to bother me so mu#h before."
I bit my lip. ""athan, are you hanging out with me be#ause you want
to play the white knight) 0e#ause I don't need saing all the time.
0a#k there. I would hae left, I #ould'e handled it. I wouldn't hae
minded leaing 1"
"athan threw up his hands. "=ust stop talking, 9ummer."
I #lamped my mouth shut.
"8isten to me. # like you." "athan dropped his eyes and furrowed his
brows. "$et it) It's as simple as that. I don't know why, I don't know
how, I don't know anything and I don't need to know. I don't need to
analyse it and I would really, really like it if you would &ust a##ept it and
gra#e me with your #ompany on#e in a while 1 preferably often 1 and
&ust 1 although maybe if you did stop se#ond-guessing and analysing
all the time then maybe you wouldn't be you, and 1"
""athan," I #ut him off, #oming to a de#ision.
He looked up. "+eah)"
"Here's a lifelong symbol of our friendship," I said sin#erely, and let the
large snowball I'd surreptitiously gathered fly into his fa#e.
"athan let out a shout. "+ou s#heming wen#h!" he e7#laimed
theatri#ally, bending and tossing a handful of snow at me.
I du#ked and burst out laughing. "'ll hail "athaniel 9hakespeare!"
"I'm #oming to make you pay and kill you off, 9hylo#k!" "athan yelled
nonsensi#ally, with a huge grin, and started sprinting towards me.
He was almost in front of me when I twisted away. He should hae
twisted to the side, too. 0ut he didn't, #ouldn't. He slipped, lost his
footing, made a wild grab at me, and then...
'nd then we were both lying on the snow, his body on top of mine,
and I #ouldn't speak, #ouldn't moe, #ouldn't een think anymore.
It had been so long sin#e I'd had a warm body against mine, a heart
beating against mine, felt soft warm breath on my #heek. !he fa#t that
it was "athan's body, "athan's heart, "athan's breath, somehow
made it 1 all the more e7#iting.
"Comfortable)" I said, to stae off the heart atta#k that I was starting
to get and to break the silen#e that suddenly felt loaded with meaning.
I'd meant for it to sound sar#asti#, but it #ame out as a breathy
whisper.
"athan looked into my eyes, and I felt hot and #old all oer. "+eah," he
said ;uietly> it was enough to make me want to stay that way foreer.
(ell, if the #hill wasn't starting to seep into my body through my
#lothes.
9o I did the only thing I #ould do under the #ir#umstan#es< I rea#hed
up and...



88. Crush On /ou
...smashed the enormous handful of snow I'd surreptitiously gathered
into his fa#e.
!he thing is, if I'd lain there staring into his brilliant green eyes for one
more minute, on.e more se#ond, I wouldn't hae been able to resist
kissing him. I knew this as surely as I knew that my heart was beating
at the rate of a thousand miles per hour, that my body was responding
to his, that my breathing felt #onstri#ted. If I hadn't wanted to kiss him
so mu#h, I wouldn't hae moed. 0ut be#ause it was all I wanted at
that moment, all he got was snow.
"+ou ba#kstabber!" "athan said histrioni#ally, spluttering and laughing
as he rolled off me and sat up. "I #an't beliee you would take
adantage of my trust like that!"
"I'm eil," I agreed lightly. 0ut my smile felt hollow. How had he
re#oered his #omposure so ;ui#kly) I was relieed that the moment
of insane longing had passed, but...
0ut...
$od, was I a fool for feeling #onfused and disappointed)
"athan stood up, dusting snow off his &eans, grinning as if nothing had
happened. 'nd nothing had happened. 0ut things had been on the
erge of happening, hadn't they)
*amn him.
"Come on," "athan said. "I'll walk you home. 'nd hae no fear, I will
get you ba#k."
"6irst you're 9hakespeare, then you're ?orro," I teased automati#ally,
standing up too. I felt #old, and not &ust be#ause it was #old.
!here was a silen#e as we walked in the dire#tion of /o#hester
Cottage. It wasn't a #omfortable kind of silen#e, like I had to admit
silen#es were in "athan's #ompany. I glan#ed at "athan's unbearably
handsome profile a few times as we walked> he looked preo#uppied. I
felt uneasy. Had he reali2ed how mu#h I'd wanted to kiss him) Had he
maybe wanted it &ust as mu#h) (hat if we had kissed) (hy was I so
aerse to the idea of getting inoled with "athan, anyway) *id I
need to be aware of any feelings I had for him or had I &ust gotten
#arried away 1
"+ou know," "athan began, then broke off.
"I won't know till you tell me," I said, eagerly sei2ing the oppurtunity to
break the silen#e.
"It's &ust 1" "athan e7haled. ""eer mind."
""o, tell me," I demanded, then win#ed at the hope in my oi#e.
"I 1 kind of 1 had this idea that 1" "athan started walking faster. "0a#k
then. 6or a moment, I 1 I thought you were going to 1 kiss me."
I felt my #heeks burst into flame. "I thought about it," I mumbled
unthinkingly> immediately I wanted to stuff a #lump of snow down my
throat.
"athan stopped moing. "+ou thought about it)"
"I 1 I mean, I 1"
"(hat, you ealuated the pros and #ons)" He started walking again.
His tone was light> I #ouldn't see his fa#e.
""athan, I didn't 1 you wouldn't 1"
"/ela7," said "athan. 'fter a beat, he said reassuringly, "I'm kidding."
I wanted to for#e him to look at me. He didn't, and he didn't ask me
why I hadn't kissed him, een when we stopped at my door. 4art of
me was grateful for that but part of me sort of wanted to #ry.
""athan," I said, a near-desperate note in my oi#e. ""athan, we're
friends, right)"
"athan grinned. "+es, we are. 'nd I think it's time we graduate to the
ne7t leel 1"
I felt as if someone had snat#hed my heart out of its #hest and
ele#tro#uted it while I wat#hed for the one se#ond I was alie without
it. I was too busy waiting for him to finish to analy2e why.
"6riends who trade C*s," "athan #on#luded seriously.
I tried to smile ba#k. "9ure, if you think /as#al 6latts for Mo2art is a
fair trade."
"athan wrinkled his nose. "(e need to edu#ate you in good musi#,
my friend. (e'll start in s#hool tomorrow."
"I trust you," I said, again unthinkingly.
"athan ;uirked an eyebrow. "*o you)"
"How #an I not trust your taste in musi#)" I said hastily. "I listen to that
/as#al 6latts song all the time."
"$ood." "athan did a little wae een though he was standing about
si7 in#hes away from me. "9ee you tomorrow."
"0ye," I said, my shoulders slumping. I'd wat#hed him stand up to
/o7anne tonight> I'd wat#hed him dan#e around in the snow like a little
kid> and now I wat#hed him stroll away and felt wret#hed.
'nother truth that hurt< I was pretty sure I was starting to hae feelings
for "athan (ellington.
"(hy do you hate "athan)" I said abruptly.
I was in the $ellars' den on (ednesday afternoon, wat#hing !alia
while her mom was out shopping 1 probably sto#king up on #ashmere
sweaters for the winter. I had a history te7tbook open in front of me
but I was wat#hing &hat's So Raven oer the top of !alia's sleek bla#k
head> ?a#h was sprawled out on the #arpet doing trigonometry with an
absorbed look on his fa#e.
'nd I #ouldn't stop thinking about the fa#t that I now liked "athan. I
really was no better than any of the ri#h bit#hes at !hornton.
?a#h frowned. "(hat)"
I sat up straighter, letting my te7tbook fall on the #ou#h I was
o##upying. ""athan. I asked why you hated him."
"(hy do you hae to be so fu#king nosy)" ?a#h wanted to know.
I rolled my eyes. +ecause # want to know how scared # should be now
that # sort o, have a crush on athan Wellington. "(hy #an't you
answer that one fu#king ;uestion)"
"(hy do girls always need guys to go into Confiding 8and when
they're around)" ?a#h #ountered.
Irritated, I said, ""athan told me about *enise."
?a#h didn't respond, but I saw his &aw mus#les #len#h and
immediately felt guilty. "ot guilty enough to ba#k off, howeer.
"Come on," I wheedled. "*on't you trust me)" It was the ta#ti# I'd used
to get "athan to talk to me about *enise> I held my breath.
""ope," ?a#h said blithely, not een bothering to look at me, "but don't
worry, "athan eidently does."
"+ou didn't hae a problem going to Confiding 8and yesterday," I
pointed out, feeling both in#ensed and like a pushy bit#h.
?a#h lookd up at me. (ith an unusual ;uietness he said, "I owed you
an e7planation then. I don't now."
I e7haled, surprised by the dignity in his tone. "4oint taken."
"9o butt out," ?a#h added rudely, ruining the entire effe#t.
I #ouldn't help smiling.
"Hey, ?a#h)" I said after a few moments of trying to #on#entrate on
9wit2erland's neutrality to ,uropean wars throughout the ages and
failing miserably.
?a#h looked e7asperated. "What)"
"(hy don't you wat#h !alia instead of for#ing your mom to hire a
sitter)" I asked.
"If you don't want the &ob, &ust ;uit," ?a#h said irritably.
"I do want the &ob 1 I'm broke, remember) I'm &ust asking why you
don't &ust babysit your sister. I hae no problem babysitting mine 1"
"I hae better things to do," ?a#h said.
"+ou #an do your homework while you wat#h !alia. I mean, you're
here with her, right now, aren't you) +ou're not 1"
?a#h gae me a keen look. "'re you fishing for a #ompliment, kid)"
I flushed be#ause maybe a part of me had. "'re you trying to sound
like Humphrey 0ogart, ?a#h)"
?a#h sat up. "-kay I'm only going to say this on#e, so listen up. I hae
*etention for an entire week be#ause you don't bore me e7#ept when
you're ignoring me."
I gaped at him. He'd &ust said something ery, ery ni#e to me 1 a true
#ompliment, #oming from him at least.
"!hanks," I said, straining not to sound too happy.
!he sound of the doorbell shrilled through the entire house, playing an
automated tune I didn't re#ogni2e.
?a#h win#ed. "I hate the fu#king doorbell. My mom got $eorge
Mi#hael installed."
I gae him a blank look. "'ren't you going to open the door)"
"Carina's downstairs," !alia piped up.
I frowned. "'nother singer) 9ong)"
""o, stupid," !alia giggled. "!he maid."
"/ight," I muttered.
"?a#hiekins!" ' familiar oi#e trilled out from outside the door of the
den.
My stoma#h #len#hed, the #ho#olate doughnut I'd #onsumed on my
way to the $ellars' home suddenly feeling heay in it. 6u#king hell.
!he door was flung wide open and then not &ust /o7anne Cartwright
but Chris and ,e trooped in. !he three of them #ast bright smiles at
?a#h> their eyes landed on me and the smiles fro2e on their fa#es.
/o7anne was the first to re#oer her e;uanamity, her lip #urling like a
territorial bulldog's mouth. "(ell, I shouldn't be surprised 1 but what
are you doing here, new girl) *idn't know you were humping ?a#h,
too 1"
"I #ould ask the same of you, Cartwright," ?a#h said languidly.
"9ummer's my 1" !alia started.
"I inited 9ummer oer for our english pro&e#t," ?a#h #ut in, and !alia,
who'd been #asting looks of stupefied adoration at /o7anne, looked
surprised.
I had my fists #len#hed, preparing myself for /o7anne finding out
about my babysitting &ob and then figuring out a way to take it away
from me. "ow I un#len#hed them, looking at ?a#h in utter
astonishment.
/o7anne glan#ed around the room, her eyes taking in the history book
on the #ou#h and the trig books and notes s#attered on the floor.
"9ummer seems to be getting a lot of initations lately," she said
snidely.
9hitshitshit. I hadn't told ?a#h that I'd be going to ,e's party with
"athan> I'd thought it would piss him off, sin#e he hated "athan so
mu#h. 'nd now /o7anne was going to let it out.
"9o to what do I owe the honour of your isit, you guys)" ?a#h asked.
I let out a relieed sigh.
"-ur isits are only rare be#ause you say you hae things to do
eerytime we want to #ome oer, you know," Chris said easily.
"9o you ambushed me instead of initing yourseles oer)" ?a#h
said.
"-h, stop being a rude sar#asti# asshole," /o7anne said impatiently.
"(e #ame to inite you, be#ause you're our ,riend, to the s;uash
pra#ti#e on 9aturday morning. 0e there or s#rew you."
?a#h opened his mouth, but ,e spoke first."(e'd be honoured to
hae you, too, 9ummer," she said politely.
Huh)
6or a moment there was pure fury on /o7anne's fa#e> she turned and
glowered at ,e. 0ut there must hae been something in ,e's
e7pression that she liked, be#ause she suddenly smirked.
"+es, 9ummer," she said sweetly. "+ou should #ome. 9in#e you're
pra#ti#ally atta#hed to "athan and ?a#h's hips now, why don't you tag
along)"
?a#h frowned. "'m I missing something here, Cartwright)"
"-h, you know what I'm talking about," /o7anne said #heerfully.
"4arties and dan#es with "athan, pro&e#ts with ?a#h."
9ilen#e. I felt my heart sink all the way down to my old, worn-in
sneakers.
"0e there on 9aturday," /o7anne trilled, and traipsed out of the door.
Chris and ,e followed her, as usual.
I looked at ?a#h, feeling shellsho#ked. "?a#h 1"
"How was ,e's party)" ?a#h said smoothly, seemingly haing put two
and two together. "Her parties are notorious for make-out sessions,
/o7y's for se7 and drinking games. I hope you and "athan got plenty
of a#tion."
I had &umped to my feet when /o7anne had entered> now I sank ba#k
down into the #ou#h. "(e went as ,riends," I said e7haustedly.
?a#h gae me a ery sar#asti# look. "'nd he didn't mind, I suppose."
"I 1" I wanted to #ry. "+ou're being unfair."
"'ren't you being hypo#riti#al here, yelling at me for lying to you about
the essay and then lying to me about the party) I suppose that's
#ompletely fair)"
"I didn't lie to you," I e7#laimed, stung. "It was &ust a random party that
"athan inited me to 1 why #an't I be friends with him &ust be#ause
you're not)"
?a#h e7haled loudly. ",7#use me for trying to look out for you."
My anger ebbed away. He had neer said anything like that to me
before.
"?a#h," I said "?a#h, you're a#ting like I'm some little kid who #an be
s#ared away from a person &ust by being told that they're friends with
the big bad wolf. Make me understand why I should stay away from
"athan 1 e6plain, okay)"
?a#h sat on the #ou#h ne7t to me, stret#hing his legs out in front of us.
"*oes it matter to you that I don't want to talk about it)"
I looked at him."+eah. +eah, it does. I 1 I do #are about you, you
know."
?a#h ar#hed his eyebrows. "*on't get all mushy on me now, kid."
I blushed. $od, did he have to be rude all the time) "I'm not going to.
I'm &ust saying that 1 you'e sort of started to grow on me too, een
though you're an ass. I don't think you're all that bad."
?a#h smirked. "How wise you are, then."
I rolled my eyes again. "'t least tell me how you got ki#ked out of
boarding s#hool."
"(hy do you want to know that)" ?a#h said.
I shrugged. I &ust wanted to shake off the un#omfortable feeling that
he now knew more about me than I did about him. "Idle #uriousity) I
did tell you a lot of my personal stuff."
"I didn't ask you to," ?a#h pointed out.
"+ou didn't stop me either," I retorted.
?a#h sighed. "+ou neer gie up, do you."
"I guess not," I said with some surprise. 6our months before I would
hae ba#ked off ;uite a long while ago.
"6ine," ?a#h said frustratedly. "0asi#ally, the so##er team won the
inters#hool #hampionships at 'ndoer last year and we were
#elebrating. Marshall's girlfriend and I were the #aptains of the male
and female teams, we got wasted and dared ea#h other to skinny dip
in the hotel pool 1 we'de gone to "ew Hampshire for the finals.
Marshall thought the fa#t that we were both naked meant something,
and the s#hool would probably hae turned a blind eye if we were on
its premises, but sin#e we were supposedly in the publi# eye, they
de#ided to take #are of their image by suspending us."
"9uspending you," I repeated, suddenly feeling far remoed from his
world. "0ut 1"
"My mother thought boarding s#hool was a bad influen#e 1 at least,
that's what she told me," ?a#h #ontinued, talking ery fast. "0asi#ally
she was pissed off be#ause I'd applied to 'ndoer without #onsulting
her and she de#ided to &ust drag me out. ,nd of story."
I gaped at the s#owl on his fa#e. "+ou play so##er)" was the only thing
I #ould think of to say.
"+eah," he said brus;uely. "9o)"
""othing," I murmured.
"I loed 'ndoer, you know," ?a#h said suddenly. "I had good grades
and I had friends who didn't think it was a re;uirement to be 1" He
stopped.
"!o be what)" I ;uestioned, sitting up a little.
?a#h sank ba#kwards. "I'll tell you some other time," he said la2ily.
"(hy not now)" I asked peeishly.
"0e#ause I'd rather sit here and wat#h you stare at my legs."
"I'm not staring at your legs!" I de#lared hotly. "!hey're 1"
"+eah, yeah, Chi#ken 8ittle legs, keep telling yourself that," ?a#h said,
rolling his dark eyes. 'nd then he smiled. Smiled/
'nd my heart did a funny thing< it thumped.
6or ?a#h $ellar.
9omehow, eer sin#e "athan had started pursuing me, I'd been ery
aware of the possibility of falling for him someday. 0ut ?a#h 1 I'd
neer thought of ?a#h like that, not een when we'd kissed like a
#ouple of dogs in heat. 't first he had annoyed and angered me too
mu#h> and then, when we were sort of starting to get along, he was a
friend I argued with all the time. 'lbeit an intensely se7y friend I was
also sort of attra#ted to.
0ut now...
"ow I was suddenly, hyperly aware of how #lose together we were
sitting. How weirdly sweet his smile was. Memories of the way his
fa#e felt on mine was flooding my brain, making it impossible for my
fa#e not to turn the #olour of ket#hup.
(hat was wrong with me) =ust a few hours ago I'd been #onin#ed I
wanted "athan> now, all of a sudden, my heart was doing weird
gymnasti#s in my #hest for -ach) (as I really that fi#kle) !hat
shallow) !hat stupid)
"o. It wasn't my fault that the only two friends I had in this hostile town
were two gorgeous guys. It wasn't/
I needed a dose of reality.
"=a22, you need to listen to me," I said into my phone on the way
home I felt da2ed. "+ou need to hear me out and not &udge me
be#ause I really 1"
"I hae 'em," =a22 #ut me off.
I blinked. "Hae what)"
"4i#tures."
My heart almost stopped. 'fter what /o7anne had said in ?a#h's
house, this seemed too good to be true. "(hat)"
"4i#tures. -f /o7anne. 'nd =immy." !here was a definite note of
triumph in =a22's oi#e. 9he paused, then said, "!ogether."



82. est -riend
!he /oulet 4lateau Country Club was situated on a slight upland
amongst a#res of rolling green hills a few miles away from residential
8inbury. !he lobby #onsisted of a large white building with green doors
and windows that resembled an eighteenth-#entury farmhouse> it had
a pool, a gym, a health #lub, two dining rooms, a hot tub area, tennis
and basketball and s;uash #ourts, and a golf #ourse.
'nother pla#e I didn't fit into. /o7anne, of #ourse, would hae made
sure of that.
9o I was glad when, after taking a bus to the entran#e on 9aturday
morning, I saw "athan in front of the wrought-iron gates talking to a
deferential alet in a gray suit about parking his #ar.
!he awkwardness of !uesday night between me and "athan had all
but dissipated, so I was able to tap him on the shoulder and say "Hey"
without mu#h hesitation.
"Hey! +ou #ame." "athan looked pleased to see me.
"+eah, I did." 'lthough I had no idea why. Maybe &ust to show
/o7anne I wasn't afraid of her be#ause I finally had something on her
1 or =a22 did, anyway. Maybe be#ause "athan had #alled and inited
me last night, and I was feeling guilty about !uesday night and,
somehow, eager to see him. Maybe be#ause%well, most likely
be#ause =a22 had wanted me to.
"!his pla#e is%pretty," I said, stating the obious. ",7a#tly like the
snotty #ountry #lubs you read about."
!o my surprise the alet, a middle-aged man with #arefully brushed
brown hair who had apparently been listening, #hu#kled. !hen he #ast
a hasty glan#e at "athan and walked away, posture ere#t.
"athan put his arm around me, rubbing my upper ba#k with his hand,
and I felt myself start to redden. "(e used to pra#ti#ally lie here all
summer, before we started spending a#ations abroad. (e'd #ome
oer in the morning, play tennis, swim, eat, dan#e, eat some more,
wat#h moies, and go home."
"I'e always spent summers in Central 4ark," I told him. ",ating hot
dogs. /eading. 'nd stuff." 9tuff meaning, during the long la2y
afternoons, waiting for Curtis to finish playing shirtless, sweaty
basketball so we #ould either make out furiously or lie in the grass
with our legs tangled, thinking e7tremely different thoughts. "Hey,
thanks for the C* you sent me."
"!ell me you liked it or I will offi#ially gie up on you," "athan begged.
"I liked%one song," I said #arefully.
".ery diplomati#." "athan rolled his eyes.
"Can I help it if :orn and ?ero !oleran#e and most other ro#kstars
seem to be whiny self-inoled brats who do nothing about their
problems e7#ept wallow in them)" I asked rhetori#ally. !hen wondered
if I sounded like a snobby hypo#rite.
"athan threw ba#k his head and laughed. "+ou're getting more and
more #hallenging eeryday, (ard, and you know how I feel about a
good #hallenge."
"Challenges are your drug," I said, goofily.
"athan grinned. "'nd you're #learly a girl who knows me."
I frowned, thrown by the remark. How well did I know him, really) He
neer showed me anything but his light, fun, easygoing side> he had
to hae some doubts, didn't he) 9ome fears, some griefs 1
""atie!" e7#laimed /o7anne Cartwright, brushing past me and
throwing herself into "athan's arms. ,idently she didn't hold grudges
when it #ame to him.
I looked oer her shoulder. ,e and Chris, her two offi#ial footstep-
doggers, both present and a##ounted for. !he surprise was that ?a#h
was, too. He stood with his arms #rossed oer his #hest, looking at me
with open surprise 1 an emotion I re#ipro#ated.
"Hi," I s;ueaked, my fa#e warming ine7pli#ably.
What the hell was he doing here) 'fter /o7anne had left his house
that day he'd made it abundantly #lear that there was no way in hell he
was going to attend her little #eremonial 's;uash pra#ti#e party' 1 a
symbol, "athan had e7plained when he'd #alled me to inite me later,
of all of them playing together like kids before they went on their way
to a drugs-and-al#ohol-filled winter a#ation> a tradition that dated
ba#k to his freshman year. (hy they #ouldn't &ust play in the snow, I
hadn't bothered to ask.
I didn't want ?a#h to be here. (ell, I was happy to see him, of #ourse
1 he was my friend 1 but%I was reali2ing my mistake in not haing
mentioned /o7anne's 'initation' in ?a#h's house to "athan, and in not
haing mentioned "athan's initation to ?a#h. In the first #ase, it had
kind of slipped my mind, and in the se#ond, well, I'd figured ?a#h
wouldn't show up.
It was like I'd arranged for /o7anne's Christmas present by being a
stupid, taking-things-for-granted idiot.
"Hey," ?a#h said briefly, his ga2e fli#king from me to "athan and then
ba#k to me again.
"I didn't think you would show up." /o7anne snuggled into "athan's
body, turning &ust her fa#e to look at me with her stunning dark eyes. "I
mean, my initation wasn't a real 1"
"(hat are you talking about)" "athan asked easily, kissing her
perfun#torily on the #heek and then stepping away. "I inited her last
night. 'nd I'm ery glad you showed up," he added to me.
"You inited her)" /o7anne's light, amused laugh eiled the ery
heay threat in her eyes. "(ow, 9ummer, I really hae to admire you. I
mean, I'm supposed to be good at playing boys 1 you know, idiots like
Chris, how #an you not play them 1 but you 1"
"Hey," Chris protested, but he didn't manage to distra#t either "athan,
who was looking #onfused or /o7anne, who was looking like a #obra
in a sparrows' nest.
"Maybe we should 1" I started.
"You, 9ummer 1" /o7anne broke off to shake her head with
e77aggerated admiration.
"(hat are you going on about, /o7anne)" "athan said finally.
"I'm going on about your girlfriends' dupli#ity, #unning 1"
"Can we &ust get going)" ?a#h broke in irritably.
/o7anne glan#ed at him, her eyes fli#kering. 'nd mira#ulously, she
shut up.
"0ut 1" "athan frowned.
"It's fu#king free2ing," ?a#h said, not looking at him.
I stared at him, but he didn't look at me either. /o7anne stood
irresolute for a se#ond before giing her sleek dark hair a toss oer
one shoulder and skipping away to lat#h her arm through "athan's.
He looked ba#k at me and opened his mouth, but /o7anne gae his
arm a tug and he stumbled forward inoluntarily.
6ine.
"I thought you'd hae #ome on your own, if at all," I said softly to ?a#h,
stepping ba#k to allow /o7anne to drag "athan off without any
trouble. I #ouldn't wait to see the pi#tures =a22 had gotten.
"I thought you would hae, too," ?a#h said briefly, before speeding up
to &oin Chris.
-h. 9o he thought I'd #ome with "athan. (ell, I had a right to #ome
with a friend, didn't I)
8eft with a silent ,e, I busied myself with glan#ing around as we
entered the lobby. It was a spa#ious room with low lila# walls, a
wooden #ounter, seeral #olourful mugs, tiger-skins and moose's
heads thrown around laishly, and seeral anti;ues behind glass
#ases in#luding a gleaming golden grandfather #lo#k. It was empty
sae for a dark-haired Heath 8edger-lookalike behind the #ounter.
"$ood morning, Miss Cartwright, Master (ellington," he #hirped 1
yes, chirped 1 to the boy I now liked and his bit#hy best friend. "'ny
guests today)"
""o," said /o7anne, &ust as "athan said, "+es, hi, 'ndrew."
"4ut Miss 9ummer (ard on my tab, 'ndrew," said Chris, with a
worried look at both of them.
"0ut she's my guest 1" "athan began.
"(e insist," said ,e firmly, before /o7anne #ould open her mouth. I
had to wonder at that one.
"'ny boy will do, right, 9ummer)" /o7anne said snidely anyway.
I was really getting tried of listening to her imply that I was a slut when
she was rolling around naked with =immy Caldwell. (hy was I so
in#apable of standing up to her)
"'s long as he isn't twele years older than me," I said politely.
Chris, ,e, "athan and ?a#h looked #onfused. I was gratified to see a
sudden un#ertain wariness in /o7anne's eyes before she smirked
again. "$lad to see you hae limits, sweetie," she said, well, sweetly.
,e #leared her throat. "9hall we get going, then)"
!he s;uash #ourt was right aboe the lobby. !he walls in it were 1
unlike the rest of the #lub, Chris informed me politely 1 spotlessly
white. "9hall we get #hanged)" ,e had to suggest again, when the
seen of us had stood there for about half an hour without a word.
'h, now this part I had been dreading. I didn't appre#iate the thought
of stripping down to shorts when /o7anne and ,e, who had s#ulpted
thights the #ir#umferen#e of i4od minis and round perky butts
resembling perfe#tly-shaped tennis balls, would also be doing so. "ot
that my lower body was fat or anything, and not that I would eer
#ompare myself with them, but%
0esides. I had neer played s;uash in my entire life> I'd neer een
seen anyone play. "ow that I thought about it, letting =a22 talk me into
#oming here was &ust another stupid mistake in the mass of stupid
mistakes I'd #olle#ted like stamps re#ently%
"8et go, /o7." "athan broke the silen#e, his good-natured fa#e more
irritable than I'd eer seen it.
/o7anne returned his arm without looking at all abashed and blew an
enormous purple bubble with her gum in Chris's dire#tion.
"athan looked at me. "+ou #ool)"
(hat I was thinking was that a #on#entration #amp was starting to
seem like a better pla#e to be. ?a#h was studying his sneakers like
there was inisible ink on them and ignoring me #ompletely, whi#h
annoyed me a little. -r a lot. "+ep," I lied.
"'re you sure, 9ummer)" /o7anne said, mat#hing "athan's soli#itious
tone so perfe#tly that it made him sound ridi#ulous.
"+es," I said, tonelessly.
"(ell, then." 9he stepped away daintily and walked right up to me.
0efore I #ould e7press any sort of alarm, she flung her arm around my
shoulder. My nostrils almost shrielled under the onslaught of her
strong flowery perfume 1 she was the only girl in !hornton who didn't
do designer perfumes 1 but I barely noti#ed in my startled surprise.
"Come on, honey, let's go get #hanged."
I stared at her, sla#k-&awed. I wasn't the only one, either> what was
with the sudden friendliness)
"athan gae her a #onfused look. "(e always &ust bung out of our
#lothes in the same room. It's your tradition."
"+es, I know, baby," /o7anne said patiently, "but we don't always hae
a fa 1 #hubby little inhibited sophomore with us, do we)"
(ait, what)
-kay, seriously, I #ould stand up to her. I could. I #ould say something
like, "!hat's a nasty thing to say about a loyal friend like ,e," and
dare her to say more.
,7#ept I #ouldn't.
"/o7anne," "athan started.
"+ou know what, it's fine," I inter&e#ted #almly, een though I felt like
steam was #oming out of my ears. "I don't mind #hanging."
/o7anne smirked. "'ren't you a##omodating."
(ithout another word she pulled her #oat and &a#ket oer her head,
shimmied her way out of tight &eans, and bundled her hair into a
ponytail that showed off her skinny shoulders. 'fter a se#ond, ,e did
the same.
I didn't moe. !he boys looked at ea#h other> all three of them were
slightly flushed. !hey hadn't moed either.
"+ou know," ?a#h said suddenly, "I'm going to the lo#ker room."
"+eah," "athan said, for on#e looking nothing like his #o#ky self een
thought stripping was probably kind of his element, "+eah, I'll &ust play
in my t-shirt and 1 and 1 and stuff."
I remained immobile as he strode ;uietly a#ross the room and
disappeared behind a white door.
"(ould you like to start off the game, 9ummer)" Chris asked politely,
een though I hadn't #hanged yet. He wasn't meeting my ga2e. I felt a
bi2arre sense of being inisible.
"3m," I said. "I don't 1"
"Haen't you eer played s;uash before, 9um)" /o7anne asked,
hitting the nail on the head as she glan#ed at me oer her shoulder.
I lifted my head, feeling humiliated in spite of myself. (hat had I
thought, they'd olunteer to tea#h me, know somehow that I didn't)
""o."
"$o figure," /o7anne said sympatheti#ally. "(hat do they play in "ew
+ork City) How to 0low !wo $uys In !hree 9e#onds)"
"/o7anne," said ?a#h> his eyes were beginning to glimmer in a way I
felt I re#ogni2ed.
"(hat)" /o7anne snapped.
"(hy," said ?a#h, with #areful #ontrol, "don't you &ust play) !his is
your #eremony 1 a random s;uash game in the middle of Christmas
season 1 &ust play."
"I'm not doing anything." /o7anne ar#hed her ne#k. "+ou're too
sensitie, babe."
?a#h #lamped his mouth shut. I wanted to hug him in gratitude, but he
didn't een look at me. I wished /o7anne would #ontra#t some life-
threatening disease. Why couldn't # stick up ,or mysel, when she was
around)
"+ou know what you #an do, 9um)" /o7anne smiled #oolly, #learly
haing an;uished ?a#h as far as she was #on#erned. "+ou #an
#hase balls around the #ourt and bring that ba#k to me. !hat's what
you do best 1"
"Ro6anne!" 0efore I #ould een take in the signifi#an#e of her
statement, I was for#ed to &ump away in sho#k as ?a#h's ra#;uet
whi22ed past my mouth and stru#k the wall opposite.
6irst a fork, now a ra#;uet. !he guy was #learly unstable.
I wasn't the only one who stood still in sho#ked silen#e.
/o7anne shook her head, apparently unfa2ed. "!his is #ertainly%the
most heart and soul you'e eer put into defending anything."
"+ou," ?a#h said enomously, "need to take up sewing."
(e all blinked at him.
"9o you #an poke your talons into something other than 9ummer,"
Chris #larified, apparently understanding what ?a#h had said.
I wondered if he was #lueless or &ust stupid. ' se#ond later, as his fa#e
turned the e7a#t shade as the /elon's 4aint !he !own /ed lipsti#k
CeeCee used, I had my answer. I strongly suspe#ted that my fa#e
was mu#h the same #olour.
"3nlike ?a#h, you mean)" /o7anne swooped upon it like the ulture
she was.
"He's right." "athan pushed his way out of the white door and stood,
folding his arms. He was looking at /o7anne as though he didn't know
her. "+ou know what) I don't 1 I know now why he left." 9lowly, he let
his ra#;uet fall on the floor. "!his whole gang thing 1 it's &ust fu#ked
up. I #an't%I #an't deal with this shit. I'm out."
/o7anne's eyes widened as though he'd slapped her. ""ate 1" 9he
looked at ?a#h, something in her e7pression I'd neer seen before.
"?a#h, I don't 1"
I hated the feeling of passiity eneloping me, but I didn't know what
to do.
""ate," /o7anne said, a de#ision in her oi#e. ""ate, I 1 listen to me."
"(ow," ?a#h said. I knew, &ust knew from his oi#e that he had
understood /o7anne's torn e7pression. ""athan (ellington, playing
the white knight again. !he world's ba#k where it belongs, right,
guys)"
He turned as if to walk out, but "athan moed swiftly to blo#k his way.
"(hat," he demanded, "is your problem with me)"
"I don't hae a problem," ?a#h said politely. ""ow moe."
"+ou hae a problem," "athan a##used. ",er sin#e you'e gotten
ba#k from boarding s#hool you'e been 1"
"(hat)" ?a#h shot ba#k, his eyes darkening. "*isgusted that you're
still the golden boy of 8inbury, despite s#rewing eeryone's girlfriends
behind your girlfriend's ba#k in the ba#kseat of my #ar)"
/o7anne's hands flew to her mouth but she didn't look surprised. 9he
&ust looked frightened.
I #ould see that "athan's hands were trembling. "+ou neer bothered
to tell me how you felt about *enise."
!here was a #olle#tie inhale as the name es#aped his lips.
"(ell," ?a#h said impassiely, "Here's how I feel."
9eeral things happened at on#e. !here was a #run#h as ?a#h's fist
#onne#ted with "athan's #heekbone> Chris swore and &umped
forward> ,e said "-h, my $od" in an almost agitated tone to nobody
in parti#ular, and ?a#h ki#ked open the door and took off.
""athan!" /o7anne leaped at her e7 with the kind of anguished #ry I
automati#ally asso#iated with 'nn.
I felt my throat #onstri#t. -ach. "I hae to 1" I stepped towards the
door blindly.
/o7anne was #radling "athan's fa#e in her hands. He wren#hed it
away from her. "9ummer."
It was all he said, and yet it took eery oun#e of willpower I had not to
rush to him.
'nd yet. 'nd yet, I said, "I need to 1 I'll #ome ba#k 1" and rushed out
the door.
I didn't know why. I didn't een know what, e7a#tly, I was doing. 'll I
knew was that I was s#ared and I didn't know why and that I needed
to find ?a#h and%
!hat was all I knew.
I made my way through the trees to ?a#h's park ben#h and per#hed
on the edge, my pani# #alming at the sight of his familiar &a#ket. "9o I
guess you hae a 'pla#e'."
""o offen#e, but I'm not in the mood to be around people I know right
now." ?a#h seemed to hae #almed down too.
"!hat's what you said when you took me to 9nellwood," I
remembered.
"9ummer."
"-kay, fine," I sighed. "I'll pretend I don't know you. Hello, I'm 9ummer
(ard."
"9um 1"
"'nd you are)"
"6u#ked up." ?a#h e7haled. "(hy are you here)"
"I wish I knew," I said ruefully.
!entatiely, I moed a little #loser to him so that I wasn't dangling off
the edge of my brain. 'gain, my brain had stopped #ontrolling my
body> I was on autopilot and I didn't een mind all that mu#h. (hen he
didn't push me off the ben#h he was so territorial about, I let myself
rela7, then tensed up again when my shoulder tou#hed his.
"9top s;uirming," ?a#h snapped.
"I #an't help it," I snapped ba#k. "I swear it's like your butt e7panded, I
used to hae a lot more spa#e on your 1" I stopped in utter sho#k as
?a#h lifted his arm and settled it around my shoulder, se#uring my
position on the ben#h.
'nd against him.
",er #onsider that it #ould be your butt that grew)" he said, but
mildly.
"'fter all that wriggling it did in 9nellwood) "o way."
"(hat happened to you that knight, anyway)" ?a#h asked la2ily.
"+ou mean after you abandoned me)" I wanted to know.
He shrugged. "I &ust thought you were a bit#h ba#k then."
I let that slide and met his ga2e s;uarely. "I #alled "athan."
"-h." ?a#h's arm re#eded.
I #aught it mid way ba#k to his own body without een thinking about it
and held on. "(ould you stop s;uirming)"
""o." ?a#h pulled his arm away for#ibly.
6eeling both stupid and stupidly hurt, I said, "I don't want to #hoose
between you two."
"I think you kind of hae to," ?a#h said, ery softly. ",eryone else
has."
"!hat hurt you." It was a statement, not a ;uestion. "?a#h, I'm here,
you know."
"3nfortunately," ?a#h said, but it was half-hearted.
"I don't een know why."
"Maybe," ?a#h said sar#asti#ally, "you want to save me."
I blinked. *id I) Had displaying my ulnerability to "athan
sub#ons#iously made me so inse#ure that I needed to play the white
knight to someone else)
0ut no. I was trying to sae my family already. ?a#h didn't need
saing. !hat mu#h I knew. He #ould take #are of himself in his ery
predatory world 1 he #ould #harm people he wanted to when they
didn't mean mu#h to him, like that bartender in 9nellwood, and for all
his fork-throwing, he knew how to work hard and su##eed.
""o," I said. "I want to be a friend."
?a#h's ga2e was a##usatory. "+ou need to have friends, 9ummer, not
always be a friend."
""athan's a friend to me," I said honestly.
?a#h #losed his eyes. "(ay better than I'e eer been. 0ig surprise."
""o," I said ehemently. "?a#h, he tries, so mu#h, and in that way, yes,
he's been an in#redible friend. Mu#h better than you'e eer been,
yeah. 0ut 1 I #an talk to you. More than to him. +ou're rude and you're
an ass, but that makes me #omfortable be#ause you pull me out of my
#omfort 2one and what I'e dis#oered sin#e #oming here is that I'm
not really #omfortable in my #omfort 2one 1"
?a#h frowned. "I'm only a friend to you be#ause you are the way you
are. It's nothing I did."
(ere we really talking to ea#h other this way) It seemed surreal,
despite how mu#h #loser we'd grown lately.
I shrugged. ",7a#tly. +ou're really lu#ky."
He rolled his eyes.
"=ust for the re#ord," I said inno#ently, "when did we offi#ially be#ome
friends)"
?a#h rolled his eyes again, more e7aggeratedly. "9in#e you be#ame
desperate for that to happen."
"'nd sin#e we're friends now," I went on, ignoring this, "do I get to find
out about "athan and *enise and%" I trailed off as his eyes lo#ked on
mine. "'ll."
?a#h shook his head. "+ou really are impossible," he said, but he put
his arm around me again.
"(ell)" I waited.
?a#h looked at me. "I thought *enise was kind of this%ision of
perfe#tion."
"4erfe#t)" I e#hoed. "You thought of a girl as a perfe#t)"
?a#h pursed his lips. "I was a freshman, okay) 'nd I was an idiot. 9o,
yes, I worshipped her se2y ass."
I flin#hed. "!hanks for the imagery."
?a#h's eyes lit up. "+ou want to know about her se7y ass) It really
was stunning. I mean, she always wore tight &eans and thongs 1 you
eer wear thongs, kid)"
-kay. !wo #ould play this game.
""ope," I said sweetly, #hanelling my inner /o7anne. "Curt didn't like
them. 'nd I didn't want to disappoint him be#ause he had a really big
1"
"9hut up," ?a#h interrupted, his smirk fading into wariness.
"Heart," I finished, feeling my lips #url upwards.
!o my surprise, ?a#h grinned ba#k. "*idn't know you had that in you."
"I seem to dis#oer different sides to myself around you," I
deadpanned. "9o. +ou were saying)"
"*enise wore thongs 1"
"?a#h," I whined.
"$od." ?a#h's eyebrows slammed together. "+ou know the story. I
liked *enise and "athan fu#ked her without bothering to ask if I
minded. !he end. 6inito. Can I go fu#k myself now)"
"9o that's when you started hating him and walking around telling
inno#ent sophomores what a pig he is)" I said in#redulously.
!here was a pause. "I guess it was more like%" ?a#h leaned ba#k
into the ben#h. "I guess I always hated him in a way."
"(hat do you mean)" I asked, e7pe#ting him to eade the ;uestion as
usual.
?a#h held my ga2e. "He was my best friend," he said simply, "and I
grew up with him and I always had his ba#k 1 and I always wanted to
be him."
I held my breath. "$o on," I murmured.
"*o you get off on hearing me sound like a total loser, or what)" ?a#h
said irritably.
"I'm a girl," I pointed out. "I get off on se#rets. 'nd I will totally slug you
if you stop now."
"He was &ust the guy my parents wished I was, okay)" ?a#h was
beginning to look murderous, but I must hae been as well, be#ause
he didn't stop. "My friends, my girlfriends 1 do you know what it's like
to hae to support someone in getting what they want and what you
want) !o #onstantly hae to #ompete with someone who's always
around you, and fail, and feel inferior for een trying)"
":ind of," I said, thinking of /a#hel.
?a#h raised his eyebrows. "/eally."
"(ell, not e7a#tly." 't least my family 1 and Curtis 1 had loed me the
way I'd been.
"+eah," ?a#h said. "(ell. !hat's what I felt pretty mu#h eery se#ond
of eery day. 'nd it droe me nuts. I did so mu#h #ra2y shit trying to
figure out how to lie my life as me instead of a "athan-wannabe
that%I think they were glad when I left. 'll of them. "
He didn't sound self-pitying, &ust matter-of fa#t.
"I #ould be me at 'ndoer, though," he added. "'nd people liked me
for it."
He sounded kind of awed by this, and my heart went out to him.
"How do you know they were glad when you left)" I said. "I bet they
missed you a lot."
?a#h snorted. "!hey didn't #all, write, or #ome oer. !hey really must
hae missed me."
"!hey must'e been feeling awkward," I whispered. "(ith the whole
*enise thing, and 1 "athan #ould'e sensed you getting in#reasingly
bitter about him 1 "
I knew immediately that it was the wrong thing to say.
"-h, my $od." ?a#h's fa#e #louded oer. "+ou don't gie a shit about
me either way, do you) +ou &ust wanted to find out whether you
should be legitimately s#ared of "athan or not 1"
""o," I said, feeling my #heeks heat up. ""o, that's not it 1"
He was looking at me so #oldly that I almost shiered. "'re you in loe
with him)"
"?a#h!" I gripped the arm that was still slung around my shoulder
almost desperately. "+es, okay, I wanted to know why I should stay
away from "athan 1"
"!hat's not what I told you," ?a#h said disgustedly. "I told you why I
hate "athan. I hate him be#ause he's a self-obsessed pig who was
happy to get rid of me &ust be#ause I made him feel awkward and less
ama2ing than he thinks he is. I forgot that it's all supposed to be about
why you should or should not be with "athan 1"
"It isn't!" I #lut#hed his arm een tighter. "?a#h, I wanted to know about
you, too. I wanted to know why you hate him be#ause I do #are about
you, and I want to know you. -kay) +ou know me 1 and I &ust 1 I
wanted to listen to you. I want to 1"
His eyes thawed a little but remained suspi#ious. "I don't beliee you."
"?a#h, #ome on!" I let go of his arm. "I'm here/ *oesn't that mean
anything)"
"'m I supposed to be grateful be#ause you're here instead of
#omforting "athan about what a &erk I am)" ?a#h spat.
""o, but you're supposed to understand that I'm there for you and I
wouldn't desert you the way you think your other friends did!" I said,
e7asperated.
"!he way I think my other friends did)"
"8ook," I said re#klessly. !ime to lay down my platform on#e and for
all. "I #are about "athan. -kay) I #hoose to trust him. I need to be
friends with both of you. I want you to stop huffing and puffing like an
inse#ure idiot wheneer I'm with him. 0ut if you #an't...well, I'm still
going to be here. 0e#ause%well, be#ause%" Why? (hy had I
#hased after him the way I had, leaing "athan, who had taught me a
lot about being there for someone) "I guess I%loe you, or
something."
"+ou what me)" ?a#h suddenly looked about ready to faint.
"(ell." I shrugged. "9ad and #orny as this is, you might be the best
friend I'e eer had."
?a#h gurgled. He managed to look both alarmed and half-pleased at
the same time, whi#h I found simultaneously s#ary and endearing.
"*o you," I said after a few minutes, the fondness giing way to
annoyan#e, "need C4/)"
""o," ?a#h said feebly.
"9o)"
"9o)" ?a#h looked da2ed.
"9o are you going to a##ept the fa#t that "athan and I are friends or
do you want me to tell you I loe you eery time I hang out with him or
show that I%#are about him, too)" I was a#tually beginning to en&oy
haing the upper hand with ?a#h $ellar for an unpre#edently long
time.
He said, beginning to re#oer his impassiity a little, "I still don't trust
him. It's #alled e7perien#e."
"I'm sorry, but I do. 'nd I'd rather you were there to help me out if he
hurts me than%huff and puff." I looked at him. "It's #alled friendship."
He was silent. I waited.
"+ou know," he said finally, "when you first #ame here, you wouldn't
hae asked a water-supplier for water if you were dying of thirst."
"It's #alled learning to sti#k up for myself from haing you bug me for
the past four months."
He smirked. "'nd yet you still #an't sti#k up for yourself if /o7anne's
inoled."
I made a sound like a man dying. 't least the past four months hadn't
destroyed my whistling ability. ""asty."
His smug look didn't disappear. "Hey, now that I know you loe me, I
#an be."
"!hat's the #losest thing to a de#laration of friendship and affe#tion I'm
eer going to get from you, isn't it)" I said, rolling my eyes.
?a#h looked serious. "8ook. I am neer going to stop huffing and
puffing, as you so elegantly refer to it, when "athan's inoled. &hat's
my de#laration of friendship and affe#tion."
I sighed. "?a#h."
"8et me finish, okay) I%I a##ept that you're going to make your own
irreo#ably stupid de#isions, and I'll be waiting for the day I get to use
the words # told you so enough to make 4rofessor !relawney happy."
He shrugged. "0est I #an do."
I shrugged ba#k. "*eal." I smiled. "I like your de#laration." I stood. "I'm
going to see how "athan's doing." I #ould feel my stoma#h sink at the
thought of fa#ing him after the way I'd walked out on him, but I also
knew that "athan was more malleable than ?a#h, and also a lot more
in#lined to be ni#e to me and hear me out.
I hoped.
"9ummer)" ?a#h drawled.
"+es)"
"+ou're right. It's totally sad that I'm now your best friend."
"I know," I said #heerfully. "'nd it's een sadder that I seem to be
yours."
"8et's be sad together!" ?a#h said with fake, girlish enthusiasm. He
gae me a ery sar#asti# look.
0ut he didn't deny one word I'd said.
"9ummer!" .i looked pleasantly surprised to see me. "!his is a ni#e
surprise."
I smiled nerously up at "athan's mother. "!hanks."
"I suppose this has something to do with my son stomping in an hour
ago looking like someone ki#ked him where it hurts)" 9he didn't moe
from her position s;uat in front of the (ellingtons' door.
I swallowed. ' part of me was grateful that I'd tra#ked "athan down.
He wasn't taking my #alls, and I wasn't yet desperate enough to #all
Chris or ,e. "Is he 1 alone)"
.i stepped aside. "+ou #an go find out."
I walked in een though all I really wanted was to run. !here was a
magnifi#ent Christmas tree in the foyer, reminding me that (inter
0reak was seen days away and Christmas, ten. "3m," I said. "(here
is he)"
"3p the stairs," .i #alled from the door. "/oom with all the teenage
paraphernelia on the door. 'nd don't look so frightened, 9ummer. I
don't know what's going on with you and "athan, but nobody's going
to eat you."
(ell. !hat was good to know.
I walked up the set of stairs tu#ked into a #orner of the liing room and
down the #orridor it led to. !here were three white doors along the
#orridor, setting off the maue #arpet and light blue walls> the one at
the end had a poster of the "ew +ork :ni#ks on it. 6eeling guilty that I
hadn't before known any sports teams "athan liked, I kno#ked on
some rosy-#heeked white guy's fa#e.
"Come in," said "athan's oi#e flatly.
Colour da22led my eyesight the moment I opened the door. "athan's
room was #oered #eiling to floor in stu,,. 4i#tures, posters, souenirs
like a small model of the ,iffel tower and a red embroidered Chinese
lantern, #ertifi#ates, writing on the walls in markers, een a random
balloon in the #orner. !he #arpeted floor was #rowded with C* #ases,
te7tbooks, and notebooks, a siler 9ony .aio laptop, flipflops. !he bed
and the wardrobe seemed to be afterthoughts. Compared to the
#lini#al lu7ury of ?a#h's room, it was like being inside a museum
#hroni#ling the KAst #entury.
It took me a se#ond to noti#e "athan, sitting #ross-legged on his bed.
It was the first time I #ould remember that he didn't look happy to see
me.
"Hi)" I offered through dry lips.
"athan's eyebrows lifted. "Hello," he said. "ot #oldly, not warmly,
&ust%;uestioningly.
I thought of remarking on his room, but it seemed pointless. "I'm
sorry," I blurted.
"athan gestured at his bed. "+ou #an sit if it was a long walk from%
whereer you were."
I stepped forward timidly, shifting from one foot to another. If a room
was the window to the soul, "athan's was fas#inating, but I still felt
#agey being so #lose to a handsome boy's bed. 0ut I didn't ba#k
down. I wasn't going to hide my relationships with ?a#h and "athan
from either of them anymore. "I was with ?a#h."
"athan's fa#e remained un#hanged. "+ou neer mentioned that you
guys are #lose."
Couldn't he &ust e7plode for on#e) 8et me in for real) "It &ust kind%of
#rept up on me," I said, and then I reali2ed that I was a#tually trying to
prooke him.
"It makes me feel kind of stupid for assuming you're #lose to me,"
"athan said ;uietly.
My heart dropped. I didn't want to hae heard that strain in his oi#e. I
had hurt him. I wished I #ould go ba#k in time and take it ba#k.
"I am," I said loudly.
"I don't know if you are." "athan rubbed his Hawaiian-themed
bedspread refle#tiely. "It &ust seems like 1 I #an try all I want but I
can't get to you."
If only he would start s#reaming and shouting. His ;uiet self-#ontrol
was flustering me.
""athan," I said. "?a#h and I are friends. (e're good friends. 0ut I
didn't reali2e we were, you know) I know that sounds stupid, but%I
didn't. I was s#ared to tell you I was hanging out with him, be#ause%I
don't know. +our history."
"athan grinned a twisted grin. "+ou know, you sound more like a
girlfriend telling the guy in loe with her that she's been sleeping with a
guy who has a grudge against him than a friend talking about another
friend. I would think you'd know me better than this. I would think
you'd know I don't hae a problem with you #aring about anyone, as
long as we're good too. (e're ,riends, 9ummer. !hat does mean
something to me."
I felt heat #reep up my ne#k. "It's not like%"athan, your whole gang
thing is making this #ompli#ated. "ot me."
"0eliee it or not, 9ummer, I don't really en7oy being hated and
pun#hed on the #heek."
9hit. I really had hurt him. He would neer hae said anything
remotely #onfrontation-prooking if I hadn't. refle7iely I rea#hed out
and tou#hed the deepening bruise on his #heek. His eyes met mine
and my hand fro2e. "ow the heat was spreading all oer my body.
"I'm sorry," I said softly. "I'm so sorry for walking out on you."
!here was something unbearably hopeful in "athan's fa#e. "+ou mean
that)"
I nodded sin#erely. "!hing is, though%?a#h shouldn't hae pun#hed
you but you really did hurt him. More be#ause of you aoiding him
after he left than be#ause of *enise." !he hopefulness was fading
fast. I #ursed myself for not keeping my mouth shut. ""athan," I said
desperately. "I don't want to hae to #hoose between you two. I told
him that, too."
"I understand." "athan looked away.
"+ou do)" How was I supposed to e7plain how mu#h I wanted to hug
him and hold on at that moment)
"+eah. +ou shouldn't hae to #hoose between us. +ou're allowed to
hang out with whomeer you want, you know)" "athan smiled wryly. "I
&ust need to know that you%feel something for me. 0e#ause it kind of
seems like you don't."
"(hy do I matter so mu#h)" slipped out of my mouth.
"If I knew%" "athan shrugged. "I guess I'd try not to let you."
-u#h. (hat #ould I do to let "athan know that he was important to
me, too) I #ouldn't e7a#tly leap oer and atta#k him, mu#h as a part of
me had wanted to eer sin#e I'd tou#hed his #heek and he'd looked at
me the way he had. I still wasn't ready for that. 9o what was there to
do)
4ut myself on the line. /isk #hasing someone for on#e, the way he
always did. !he way I'd known to do for Curtis. !he way I #onstantly
did for ?a#h.
"(hat do I hae to do)" I said.
"athan frowned. "(hat)"
"!o%proe that I #are about you." I shrugged. "I'll do whateer. 9hort
of%anything inoling underwear or body fluids or 1"
"'nything e7#ept sleep with me," "athan said inno#ently.
I flushed. "I 1"
"-kay," "athan announ#ed.
I looked at him un#omprehendingly.
!he playful gleam was fast returning to "athan's loable green eyes.
"I'm going to Italy on the twenty-si7th till s#hool reopens." I #ould feel
my fa#e fall a little. "9o spend Christmas day with me."
I stepped ba#kwards. "'re you serious)"
"(ith my family. +ou #an bring your folks, too, if you want."
!here were so many things wrong with this. (hat about the
Champagne $ang) (hat about Hadley and *ad) (hat about%what
about%
"-kay," I heard myself say.
"+ou're #onsidering it." Mi#hael s;uinted through his glasses.
"Come on," I said defensiely. "It's not like I'm going to be missing out
on some big family thing. I asked *ad what his plans are for
Christmas. He said he'd olunteered for oertime work at the
hospital."
"I know you're angry with him," Mi#hael stated.
"!hat's not why I want to go!" ,erything was working out perfe#tly for
a Christmas with "athan> the rest of the Champagne $ang had taken
off for Hawaii two days before the start of 0reak and ?a#h was going
to 0arbados on Christmas ,e. I wasn't sure what the rules of our new
relationship were anyway. /a#hel and I had spent Christmasses
together, but ?a#h and I weren't that kind of best friends. "I want to go
be#ause%"
"I don't understand." Mi#hael took off his glasses and pla#ed them on
the kit#hen table, where we were sitting on the eening of the twenty-
third. "+ou'e always been loyal to this family."
!hat stung. "I'm tired of being loyal to people who don't #are about
me," I said more harshly than I'd intended to.
"He #ares about you)" Mi#hael said.
"+ou don't think he does)" I #rossed my ankles guardedly.
"I #are about you," Mi#hael said. "'s mu#h as he does."
"!hen you think he #ares about me a lot." I felt myself blush the
minute I'd said it. I'd sounded like a total teenager. ' selfish,
in#onsiderate teenager with a #rush. (hat was wrong with me) "+ou
know what)" I looked up at Mi#hael guiltily. "+ou're right. I'm being
totally self-#entred. (hat am I thinking) -f #ourse I #an't go. It's our
first Christmas after "eil. (e should do something 1"
"(ith *ad at the hospital," Mi#hael said thoughtfully. "Hadley too
drunk to #are."
"ee"ee in ew York/ %nn too depressed to remember what day it
was.
"!he twins desere some fun." I was beginning to feel si#k from guilt.
"(e #ould go do that Christmas fair thing up at 8akeiew 1"
Mi#hael's eyes met mine. "*id he say you #ould bring people)"
I blinked. "(hat)"
",ri# and ,ri#a should hae a normal Christmas, with a tree and a
family. I &ust want to be with you. It might be all right if he's sure he
wants us all."
I felt an une#essary fli#ker of annoyan#e, #onsidering that he was
giing me what I'd wanted. "*o you &ust want to disagree with me)"
"+ou desere some fun," Mi#hael said simply.
"I hae fun," I said indignantly. "0oring as the last week of s#hool
was."
I didn't know why I was being so disagreeable. !o Mi#hael, of all
people. I &ust felt edgy and nerous. 'bout the holidays, about
/o7anne, about my family.
!he doorbell rang. I got up, leaing the ;uestion unde#ided, and
strode to the door. !hrew it open. 6elt my &aw drop open as 'nn's fa#e
stared ba#k at me.
"(here 1 you were out)" I stuttered.
'nn looked shellsho#ked. "*r 9teele re#ommended I take a bus ride
on my own."
"-h, my $od!" My hand flew to my mouth. "'nn, you should hae told
me! 're you okay) Is eerything 1 do you need to 1 did anybody hurt
you) (here did you get the money) (hy didn't you 1 where did you
go)"
'nn looked blank. I reali2ed I was oerwhelming her.
"Come here," I said gently, taking her hand.
More guilt. 6or not noti#ing that the teleision wasn't blaring
telenoelas in 'nn's room. 6or barely talking to 'nn about the si7
therapy sessions she'd had. 6or not #he#king on her, not being alert,
being too wrapped up in my boy drama. My stepmother #ould hae
died today and I wouldn't een hae known. I took a deep breath,
trying to #alm myself down.
't the same time I felt #ompletely thrilled that she'd gone out on her
own and a#tually suried.
Mi#hael's eyes widened imper#eptibly as I pulled 'nn into the kit#hen
and helped her into a seat. "How are your 1 how's it going with *r
9teele)"
!o my ama2ement, 'nn smiled a little. "9he's a ery ni#e woman."
Mi#hael got up and busied himself with the #offee ma#hine. I
s;uee2ed 'nn's hand. "(hat do you guys talk about)"
"' lot of things." I #ouldn't beliee 'nn was answering the ;uestion.
"+ou. Mi#hael. !hings I think about. My faourite !. shows." 9he
almost sounded like a fully-fun#tional human being. !ow had I missed
this #hange)
I figured it was too soon to mention "eil, so there was an awkward
silen#e as Mi#hael pla#ed three steaming #ups of #offee on the table.
!hen 'nn said an astonishing, stunning, mira#ulous thing. "It's two
days before Christmas."
I #ould not hae been more ele#trified if =esus had appeared and
asked for #offee. "I 1 how do you know)"
"!he bus drier said so." 'nn sipped her #offee gingerly.
(ell, that settled it. I was going to hae to spend Christmas with my
family. "athan #ould 1
"I 1 &ust wanted to know," 'nn said timidly. "*o we hae a tree)"
"$od, I'm bored. I almost wish I had homework," ,ri#a's oi#e
grumbled as the sound of thumping feet floated oer from the stairs.
My little sister #atwalked into the kit#hen, made a beeline for the
refrigerator, and stopped short.
"$om)" Her twin brother ,ri#, following #losely, #ollided into her. He
stared at 'nn with golf-ball-si2ed eyes.
"(here are you both going)" I asked, noti#ing ,ri#a's pink #rop top
and #reased &eans and frowning. I was feeling &ust the way she
seemed to> !hornton was stressful, but it was preferable to being
stu#k in my house all day. 9eeing the twins more often didn't help> I'd
barely talked to them for a month and now that I had more time to
noti#e that they had almost definitely been negle#ted and
unsuperised eer sin#e we'd arried at 8inbury, I felt #agey and out of
tou#h.
,ri# tentatiely took the #hair ne7t to 'nn. He was wat#hing his mother
like she was a ti#king time bomb.
"'nywhere that isn't this boring house," ,ri#a snapped, loudly
s#raping a #hair ba#k for herself. "(hy are you downstairs, Mom)"
9he frowned. "'re you wearing 7eans)"
-h, my $od. 9he was. =eans and so#ks that mat#hed. How how how
had I missed this)
'nn's fa#e ;uiered. "I feel like I haen't seen you both in a while,"
she said softly.
Mi#hael and I e7#hanged glan#es. "!hat's be#ause you haen't," ,ri#a
said with a look of studied boredom. ,ri# pushed his #hair #loser to
'nn's and tou#hed her shoulder deli#ately.
My stoma#h fluttered. How long had it been sin#e all fie of us had
been together)
Mi#hael #leared his throat. "I hae a proposal."
(e fa#ed him. ,ri#a still looked bored, ,ri# #lut#hed his mother's
shoulder possessiely, 'nn looked tired but #oherent, and I felt the
#aginess disappearing.
"'s 'nn, pointed out, we hae no tree and no de#orations. *espite
Christmas being day after tomorrow."
I straightened.
,ri#a tossed her glossy red mane oer one shoulder. "If you're
suggesting we do some #orny family bonding de#orating thing, no
way. I hae better things to do."
"8ike what, try to de#ide whi#h shade of Mom's lipsti#ks look better on
you)" ,ri# sni#kered.
,ri#a's fa#e turned the same #olour as her hair. "9he isn't using them,
fu#koron."
"8anguage." I gae her home-mani#ured hand a slap.
"(hatever." 9he rolled her 'nn-green eyes.
I felt warm and gooey all oer. !his was familiar.
"9ummer's friend has inited all of us oer for Christmas lun#h,"
Mi#hael said #on#isely.
(ait. What)
"8un#h at a ri#h kid's pla#e) 9weet." ,ri#a's eyes lit up. "+our friend
does go to !hornton, right) ,eryone there is going out of the #ountry.
I'e neer been out of the #ountry."
"'re you serious)" I said to Mi#hael. I was about to hae a heart
atta#k.
"It's got to be better than Christmas here," was ,ri#'s erdi#t.
"-kay." ,ri#a grabbed ,ri#'s arm. "(e're outta here."
"(here are you going)" I said helplessly. "Mi#hael, we #an't &ust 1"
"(e're gonna go wat#h &he 4ye." ,ri#a had already dragged ,ri# out
of the kit#hen. "0e ba#k by dinner."
",ri#a, you #an't 1"
"*on't try to dis-#i-pline us &ust be#ause you'e got more time on your
hands now," ,ri#a #alled from the door.
I slumped. 9he was right. !he gooey feeling was fast giing way to
fear.
"It was ery ni#e of your friend to inite us," 'nn said politely.
Make that pani#.
"I think I'll go upstairs and rest," 'nn said fearfully, possibly in
response to my fast breathing and dilated pupils.
"+ou're #ra2y!" I whisper-shouted at Mi#hael as soon as 'nn was out
of earshot. "9he's not ready for that!" 'nd I wasn't ready to out my
family's se#rets to the (ellingtons. ,en if "athan was ready for me
to. If he was.
"It'll be fine," Mi#hael said briefly, patting me on the shoulder as he
moed away.
8eaing me alone to brood about how I truly was going to pay for my
selfishness in a##epting "athan's initation.
I wanted to spend Christmas with him, no doubt about that, een
though I desperately wanted ?a#h to be there as well. Confusing as
that would hae been. 0ut I'd gotten used to "athan being there for
me. (hat if%what happened when he met my family)
Mi#hael was a sadist.
ook(orm85" i think i might miss u (hen ur gone
>#&h ?ell#r" Don't go #ll &hi&k %li&k on me.
ook(orm85" im rolling m! e!es
>#&h ?ell#r" @er! #ttr#&tive.
ook(orm85" im going to &o)!A)#ste th#t #nd em#il it to
ever!one
>#&h ?ell#r" Bo($lov#ble o% !ou.
ook(orm85" u %ishmonger
>#&h ?ell#r" Ch#t+
ook(orm85" the histor! te#&her #t m! old s&hool s#id th#t to
(hoever %lunked # test like it (#s the (orlds biggest insult
>#&h ?ell#r" Ch#t the hell I3 # %ishmonger+
ookCorm85" u r so illiter#te
>#&h ?ell#r" /ou're the one using IM l#ngu#ge.
ookCorm85" (hen in rome' use it#li#n
>#&h ?ell#r" Tell .#th#n to remember th#t (hen he's gondol#Aing
#nd !ou're stu&k in %ree6ing Linbur! tr!ing to un%ree6e !our
u)tight #ss.
ookCorm85" ver! ni&e
My #ellphone beeped. I flipped it open with one hand as I waited for
?a#h's reply, smiling widely at his familiar snarkiness despite how
worried I was about Christmas. I looked down%and fro2e, my inde7
finger hoering oer the keys.
2ne new message; From "urtis.
(hat) What)
9uddenly, in#ongruously, I remembered that Curtis loed the "ew
+ork :ni#ks.
I a##essed the message with shaking hands. It had been a long time
sin#e I'd thought of him and I was almost definitely oer him, but this
te7t message was a bolt from the blue that rendered me immobile.
hey/ hows li,e? u on break yet?
"(H'!)" I shouted at the s#reen.
"6u#ker," Hadley bellowed from her room.
I thought about &ust deleting the message, but my hands took on a life
of my own. I sent ba#k a Yep/ u?
!hree minutes later there was a Same/ rach and i were thinking abt u/
it's weird not having u here ,or the hols/ can i call u sometime? sitting
in my inbo7.
9o many ;uestions rushed through my head as I te7ted ba#k a sure,
happy holidays! (as he with 9ta#ey !empleton) How was /a#hel)
9he hated Curtis for being a &o#k and he hated her pseudo-
intelle#tualism 1 why e7a#tly were they thinking about me together)
(hat #olour was her eer-#hanging hair now) (hat did Manhattan
look like in the snow) (hy did Curtis want to #all me) (hat the hell
had &ust happened) (as I feeling outraged or indifferent) (hat was
going on)
(hen ten minutes had passed by without a reply, I walked to my
mirror. !here was a pi#ture of me with Curtis and /a#hel stu#k to the
side. I looked #losely at myself in the pi#ture and then at myself in the
mirror. I hadn't reali2ed I'd #hanged on the outside, but I had. My
brown hair had lightened ery slightly and it was ;uite a few in#hes
longer. My skin was #lear 1 #learly an effe#t of the #lean air. 0est of
all, I was both taller and thinner.
I reali2ed with a sho#k that een I had to admit I looked far better than
I used to.
I wandered oer to my desk and opened the top drawer. ,7tra#ting the
sheaf of glossy photographs resting in it with no effort to hide them, I
stared down at =immy Caldwell's abs with /o7anne's bare arms
wrapped around them. I knew from memory that the ne7t photograph
had /o7anne's fa#e in it with an e7pression I really didn't want to look
at.
I felt nauseous. =a22 had handed them to me at 'our' 9tarbu#ks on the
last day of s#hool. 9he'd looked so triumphant that I hadn't had the
heart to ba#k down. It helped my resole that /o7anne would swell up
like a bullfrog eery time I was with "athan 1 and in the last week of
s#hool, I was with both him and ?a#h a lot.
0ut%had I really #hanged this mu#h)
(hat was I going to do about sub&e#ting my family and "athan to
ea#h other)
"My stepmom's si#k," I barked into the phone.
"(-what)" "athan said in sleepy alarm. It was, after all, seen o' #lo#k
on the morning before Christmas.
"*epression. 9he's like a kid. 9he #an barely talk like a normal
person. 9he's si#k," I repeated.
"I 1" "athan sounded bemused.
"Her daughter Hadley is pretty mu#h drunk all the time. My dad likes
to pretend he's the only person alie in the world. My elder sister
CeeCee is in "ew +ork pretending she's an orphan. My younger half-
sister ,ri#a is a smartass and her life reoles around lipgloss. 9he
has a twin brother. ,ri#. He's a ni#e kid but he might be gay." I
breathed deeply. I knew I sounded #ra2y and I probably was.
"(ow," "athan said, a lot more awake now.
I imagined him #urled up on his bed, green eyes drowsy, fa#e
#onfused but pea#eful. I felt terrified.
"I had a little brother," I ploughed on. "He died. !hat's why we moed
here. !o get away. 0ut it &ust made things worse."
I #ould hear "athan breathing. My heart ra#ed. (hy wasn't he saying
anything)
"(hy didn't you tell me before)" he said finally.
"!hat's the point," I said braely. "I'm telling you now. *oes that mean
something)"
He sighed. "+ou hae no idea. 9ummer. I'm so sorry."
I leaned ba#k on my pillow, adrenaline ebbing. "I was pretty mu#h
awake all night debating whether or not to tell you." 'nd thinking about
my e7 boyfriend's te7t message. "ot that he needed to know that.
"!hank you for de#iding to," "athan said earnestly.
"9till want to meet them)" I ki#ked at my blanket.
"(hy wouldn't I)"
I tilted my head. "0e#ause. My family's #ra2y."
"(hy would I #are)" "athan wanted to know. "+ou're not."
"/eally)" !alk about anti-#lima#ti#.
"(ell, maybe a little, but not when it matters." "athan laughed. "+ou're
a lot more stable than most people at !hornton, and they haen't been
through half of what you hae."
My #heeks warmed. "(hat about you)"
"(hat do you mean)"
"*on't you hae any se#rets)"
"I think 4amela 'nderson's ugly," he said in a stage whisper.
I laughed. "I'm serious."
"8ook." I heard #loth rustling, probably as he shifted. "I know it's 1
fashionable to hae deep dark se#rets now. It's like people want to
hae gone through #rap so they #an be like eeryone else. It's like a
#ompetition to see whose life su#ks more."
I wasn't sure what to think. "9ays a :orn fan."
""ot you," "athan added. "+ou want to be happy. +ou show that."
"I'm not unhappy," I said. "!hings are really really weird at the
moment, but%I don't know, it #an only get better." 'nn had dressed
herself properly yesterday, after all. "It is getting better."
"4eople think if you're happy, you're a#tually empty inside, or fake, or
whateer," "athan said thoughtfully. "0ut I am happy. I was born with
a siler spoon up my ass, pra#ti#ally. I'm hot and ri#h and young and I
hae an ama2ing family and I hae friends who're, okay, #ra#ked, but
still generally there for me. I like my life. *oes that su#k so bad)"
I smiled. "!ell it like it is. *on't bother being modest."
"How kind of you to allow me to," "athan said teasingly. "8isten. If you
feel un#omfortable about my family meeting yours, you don't hae to
go through with it. If you think it'll hurt them, or whateer. =ust don't
not #ome be#ause of me. 0e#ause I want to%you know."
I felt a million pounds lighter. Maybe Christmas would be fine after all.
"I'll see you tomorrow."
I #ould almost feel him smile. "Can't wait."
I'd barely settled into my bed to snat#h some sleep after a wide-eyed
night when my #ell phone and the doorbell beeped simultaneously.
I struggled to read my te7t message while I staggered downstairs. I
stopped with my foot on the bottom stair as the words leaped out at
me. It was from Rachel.
I hadn't talked to her sin#e I'd left. I'd talked to Curtis, of #ourse. 0ut
/a#hel and I had been oer far longer than he and I had. (hat #ould
she possibly want)
!he doorbell rang a se#ond time. I groaned, flipped my phone shut,
and rea#hed out to tug the door open. ' rush of #old air almost
kno#ked me off my feet. My eyes ad&usted to the semi-darkness,
fo#using on the bla#k-&a#keted figure outside shifting from one foot to
another.
'nd again, disturbingly, my heart did a strange little flip in my #hest.
"?a#h)" I said in disbelief.
"!he one and only." He raised his eyebrows. "(ho were you
e7pe#ting, 'dam 0rody) 0e#ause I do hae dark hair, but%"
I smiled, ignoring the weird e7er#i2ing my heart had been doing. It
was probably &ust be#ause he'd #aught me unawares. "It's too early
for sar#asm. (hat are you doing here)"
"Came to say goodbye. My parents' #ar's outside, blo#ked by a
shitload of snow. +ou should do some shoelling, kid."
"+ou #an do it for me if you really #are that mu#h," I said with all the
fake sweetness I #ould muster. I hesitated for a se#ond before finally
moing aside. "*o you. 3m. (ant to #ome in)"
?a#h's eyebrows almost shot out of his fa#e. "*id you &ust inite me
inside your house)"
I bit my lip. "I knew I was going #ra2y."
"(ell, I am free2ing my butt off, but I hae a flight to #at#h." ?a#h
smirked. ""o shoelling ne#essary where I'm going."
"Ha ha," I deadpanned. "I do hear hell's really hot."
":eep telling yourself that," ?a#h adised. "'nyway. +our house was
on the way, and I &ust thought I'd #ome rub how lu#ky I am in your fa#e
before leaing."
"$ood to know you appre#iate your lu#k," I said lightly.
!hen I flung myself into his arms.
His body went rigid. "=ust so you know, kid, I'm not too #omfortable
with physi#al #onta#t."
"0eliee me, nobody's as surprised by this as I am," I said into his
&a#ket.
?a#h rela7ed a little. ,en rubbed my shoulder awkwardly. "+ou hae
bed hair."
I pulled ba#k. My fa#e felt flushed. I had absolutely no idea why.
"-kay."
"-kay." 9urprisingly, ?a#h s;uee2ed my shoulder before ba#king
away.
I stood at my door struggling with a sudden feeling of loss and
wondering what the hell my heart was up to for a long time after he
was gone.



83. M!ster! ?irl
"Hold still or you'll mess up your hair," ,ri#a di#tated.
"6u#k my hair!" I shrilled. "!his is going to be a disaster. ' disaster.
(e hae nothing to take to some probably impossibly grand lun#h
e7#ept 'nn, and she's probably going to hae a breakdown, and 1"
"+ou look hot," ,ri#a said in a self-satisfied kind of way.
"&hat's a relief!" I said sar#asti#ally.
"*o you like this friend of yours, or something)" ,ri#, who was sitting
at the foot of my bed, asked.
I #ould see my fa#e reddening in my mirror. "He's &ust a ,riend. I'm
going to kill Mi#hael. (hat was he thinking) !his is such a bad idea.
(e shouldn't be imposing on "athan and his family, and what if *ad
#omes home while we're there and &ust e7plodes) 'nd should we
leae Hadley alone) I mean, $od, why #an't someone else &ust think
about this stuff for a 1"
"I look hot," ,ri#a said dreamily.
"Has anyone told you you're kind of uptight)" ,ri# added.
I snorted, thinking of ?a#h. "'nd here I was thinking you were the only
ni#e kid in this family."
It was Christamas morning. My ?en-like state of the day before had
taken a trip to "othing8and. 'll I #ould think about was eerything that
#ould potentially go wrong. It didn't matter how a##epting I knew the
(ellingtons to be, I still didn't want them to meet the (ards. I was
pretty sure that 'nn would forget her own name, ,ri#a would throw
things, and /o7anne would materiali2e and rape "athan. 0asi#ally, I
was hysteri#al.
"Hey," said 'nn's soft oi#e.
,ri#, ,ri#a and I glan#ed at the doorway. 'nn wasn't wearing
sweatpants or mismat#hed so#ks> she was in &eans again and while
this had made me happy two days ago, I #ouldn't imagine taking her
to "athan's home in them. !hen I gae myself a mental bit#hslap.
(hen had I started #aring) I felt a nostalgi# longing for 9neaker $irl,
who didn't gie a shit about anything or anyone in 8inbury.
I smiled brightly. "+ou look great. Come on in."
'nn's eyes misted a little. "+ou look%loely, 9ummer."
I gae myself a self #ons#ious on#e-oer in the mirror. !ruth be told,
I'd started out wearing my hideous brown dress and no makeup 1 not
mu#h better than &eans. 0ut ,ri#a had taken one look at me and
dragged me upstairs, de#laring that she wouldn't be seen with me at a
!horntonian's house if I looked like a librarian. "eer mind that I was
the one who had pro#ured the initation to said house. (ith ,ri#
wat#hing interestedly, ,ri#a had #oer#ed me into one of CeeCee's
gorgeously simple red 1 yes, red 1 dresses and worked on my fa#e
with some of her own makeup. I wouldn't hae #alled myself hot or
loely, but I looked good.
I'd let her do it be#ause frankly) I'd really missed her.
"/eady to go)" Mi#hael appeared in an honest-to-goodness suit. His
familiar presen#e was soothing despite how mad I was at him.
""o," I sulked.
"+ou look hot," ,ri#a said to Mi#hael.
",ri#a," ,ri# remarked, "is in loe with the world."
"+ou look ery pretty," I told ,ri#a. 4ink normally didn't suit redheads
as far as I knew, but ,ri#a made her frilly yet simple skirt suit work
better than $iselle #ould hae. "+ou too, ,ri#."
!he twins beamed at me before pounding out of my room, shoing
ea#h other with giggles.
"Can I talk to you for a se#ond, 9ummer)" said 'nn, high-pit#hed.
"9ure," I said, ignoring Mi#hael's look of #on#ern as he ba#ked away.
'nn drew forward and pla#ed a pale blue &ewelry bo7 in my palm. "I 1 I
didn't e7a#tly do any shopping this year, but%Merry Christmas."
My breath #aught in my throat. I fumbled the bo7 open and blinked
down at the gleaming white-siler #hain with a tiny #rystal pendant
hanging off it. It was beautiful, but% "I thought your mom's first
boyfriend gae this to her."
"I want you hae to hae it," 'nn said nerously.
!here was a lump in my throat bigger than the pendant. "'nn, this is%
incredible, but I #an't 1"
"4lease, 9ummer. *r 9teele and I hae been talking 1 9ummer, I'e
noti#ed how hard you'e worked this year. +ou'e tried to take #are of
all of us 1" 'nn swallowed a few times. "I know I haen't e7a#tly been
around. I was a mess, I still am. I'm not ready to be who I'm supposed
to be yet, but 1 I'm so sorry 1 I haen't been here when you all need
me to be and I'm still not ready to be 1"
I enfolded my stepmother in my arms. "It's really okay," I whispered. "I
loe you anyway."
It felt like healing. It felt like a Christmas mira#le.
"+ou're turning green," ,ri#a remarked. ""ot a good look."
"I'm nerous, okay)" I snapped. *espite Christmas mira#les. ,ri#a
needed to meet !alia.
Mi#hael, who was driing, brought the #ar to a stop in front of the
(ellingtons' mansion's gates. "=ust rela7."
I waited for 'nn and the twins to get out of the #ar and stand staring at
the (ellingtons' %rchitectural )igest-worthy home. Mi#hael started to
push his door open. I grabbed him by the #ollar of his stupid suit and
pulled his head ba#kwards to fa#e mine. "I don't understand," I said
through #len#hed teeth, "what you're doing."
"+ou look #ra2y," Mi#hael said.
"+ou were totally against this whole thing when I first brought it up.
&otally." I gae his head a tug for emphasis. "(hy did you suddenly
start thinking it's a good idea)"
"I want to see how mu#h he #ares about you," Mi#hael said bluntly.
My &aw dropped. "'re you testing him) -r punishing me for wanting
this)"
"9ummer, #ome on, I want to see what it's like inside and I'm #old!"
,ri#a shouted.
I glared at Mi#hael, feeling a #hill of foreboding. !hen I grasped 'nn's
pendant for lu#k and slid out of the #ar. It was a silent and intimidated
trudge to the front door.
"(el#ome!" .i threw open the door and beamed at us before I'd een
finished ringing the doorbell. "o /osemary $ellar-#heek kisses for
her> she put her arms around me and s;uee2ed before smiling at my
family. "Merry Christmas!"
"9ummery $irl!" 'unt Charl #ame barreling down the foyer and almost
kno#ked me off my feet in her enthusiasm to gie me a hug. "*ear
$od, sweetie, you look different! I #an understand why "athan
brought you home now 1 he goes for girls who like to dress up, you
know 1 but it seems you do know how to do that better than I first
thought 1 and, of #ourse, you're a total sweetheart and that dress is
gorgeous 1"
"Charl." .i tou#hed my #heek. "+ou see she's &ust as nuts as eer,
een though she's had the baby. 9ummer, you look absolutely
beautiful."
"!hanks," I muttered. 0oth Charl and .i were in &eans, although their
tops were trendy and mu#h fan#ier than 'nn's t-shirt. I glan#ed,
tomato-fa#ed, at my family. !hey all looked a little da2ed. "3m, this is
1"
"(armth before introdu#tions, out of the #old, #omeon#omeon," Charl
#hanted.
,ri# and ,ri#a gaped at their surroundings as Charl and .i led us to
the liing room. Mi#hael was stone-fa#ed as eer> 'nn, to my relief,
a#tuallly seemed to be fun#tioning. I stepped into the liing room and
then stopped #old. My breath sped up. My stoma#h disappeared from
my body #ompletely. I felt #olour flood my fa#e like #louds in an about-
to-rain sky and I was sure my heart was shrinking at the rate of a mile
per minute.
It wasn't the Christmas tree in the #orner with the flashily wrapped
presents s#attered around it, enormous and loaded with tinsel, bells,
stars and lights as it was. It wasn't the golden-red fire in the ele#tri#
firepla#e, #asting dan#ing shadows all oer the mistletoed and holly-d
room. It wasn't how absolutely dele#table "athan looked on the #ou#h
on his probably worth-my-house suit.
"o, it was the absolutely stunning brunette girl in an e;ually
e7pensie-looking green dress who sat ne7t to him, both of them
talking ;uietly with their eyes wide and their heads #lose together.
"athan had a girl,riend. His feelings for me truly were those of 7ust a
,riend.
I had neer felt less self-aware and more #onfused than I did at that
moment. I'd already known that I had a thing for "athan. 0ut had that
really grown this big) 0ig enough to make my heart pra#ti#ally
e7plode with &ealousy at the sight of him with this girl, looking at her
with su#h wide-eyed intima#y) 'nd if it had, then why was I #onfused
about ?a#h as well) (hy did my heart do #alistheni#s around ?a#h 1
my so-#alled self-a#knowledged best friend 1 when it was so &ealous
of "athan)
"9ummer!" "athan leapt up from the #ou#h and rushed towards me
like a kid spotting *isneyland. "Merry Christmas!"
His arms enfolded me. I felt my heart shrink een further at su#h #lose
pro7imity> there was nothing in the world but his heady smell. "3m," I
said unsteadily, "yeah. 9ame to you."
"athan released me, &ust as Charl said, "Introdu#tions now!" in a
gleeful oi#e.
.i was smiling knowingly in my dire#tion. I tried to rearrange my
features into a bored e7pression. 0ut I #ouldn't stop myself from
looking at Mystery $irl, who had risen from the #ou#h and was
grinning at me. Her grin was so like "athan's, mis#heious and
#onfident and alluring, that I found myself inhaling.
I tore my eyes away. "!his is 'nn, my mom," I said to nobody in
parti#ular. ,ri#a gaped, and I reali2ed what I'd said. ",ri# and ,ri#a
and Mi#hael. $uys, these are the (ellingtons. .i, Charl, and "athan."
I tried not to look at Mystery $irl. I #ouldn't remember eer feeling this
humiliated.
""i#e to meet you," 'nn said braely. I assumed "athan had told .i
about my family, be#ause she smiled ba#k with a tou#h more kind
#on#ern than I was #omfortable with.
"+our house is, like, better than 0u#kingham 4ala#e," ,ri#a trumpeted.
"+ou'e neer been to 0u#kingham 4ala#e," ,ri# said #rossly, as Charl
laughed.
"It's ery ni#e," Mi#hael said politely.
Mystery $irl walked up to "athan and nudged him with a bony
shoulder. Her lower right #heek split into a dimple. I'd wished for
dimples when I was little. !he wish had lasted far longer than my wish
to be a fireman.
"ow I &ust wished I was ba#k in my room. -r with ?a#h, insulting my
#rush, who really was as mu#h of a liar as ?a#h always said.
"-h, yeah," "athan said in response to Mystery $irl's nudge, with
e7#itement that hurt me. "!his is 9haya."
(hat kind of stupid name was that)
"My, um." "athan #leared his throat. #don'tcare#don'tcare#don'tcare 1
"My sister."
-kay. (hat)
9haya grinned. "+ou #an stop looking like a territorial mother bear
now. "ate, I thought you told me 9ummer was a ,riend."
I stood gaping, too flummo7ed to refute what she was implying, until
.i #hose to fill me in. "9haya is "athan's father's daughter by his e7-
wife," she said. More blas@ than most people were talking about the
"ew +ork :ni#ks.
"I used to lie with my mom," 9haya #hattered. "(hi#h is why 1 I'm
assuming 1 "athan's neer mentioned me. 0ut my mom traels a lot,
so I &ust thought I'd show up here to finish off high s#hool." 9he
shrugged. "8u#ky for me, .i's really #ool. Charl, too, of #ourse." 9he
winked at 'unt Charl.
""i#e Christmas present it was, when she turned up here," Charl said
happily. "!he more the merrier, sin#e my stupid 'ustralian husband
de#ided to miss his flight. I am neer going to take an earlier flight
again. "eer."
9haya laughed. "I loed 'ustralia. ?imbabwe, too. 'nd Moro##o and
*ublin and Mumbai. 0ut now my Mom wants to go to :haragpur,
whi#h is, like, this tiny pla#e in India with #onstant power#uts and $od
knows what else, so I thought I'd gie "atie boy's oerprieleged life
here a try." 9he tweaked his nose affe#tionately, and suddenly it
wasn't su#h a stret#h of imagination to think of her as his sister. !hey
didn't look alike but they were almost identi#al.
I had a million and one ;uestions to ask, but all I #ould do was obsess
oer my rea#tion to seeing her and "athan together. I #ouldn't een
bother wondering if that rea#tion had been as painfully obious to
eeryone else as it had been to .i and this girl. I glan#ed at "athan.
His e7pression was ;ui22i#al. 9hit. Maybe it had been.
.i #lapped on#e. "-kay, eeryone, let's &ust unwind for a while before
lun#h. (hy don't 'nn, .i and I go and hae some wine in the kit#hen 1
"athan's dad and his grandparents are in Hong :ong but they'll be
here in about an hour, and the loe of my life will be too 1 and you
kids #an%"
"Chill," Charlotte inter&e#ted.
My brain snapped ba#k into pla#e at this. "I'm not sure if 'nn 1"
'nn looked at me, imploring. "I'll be fine."
"I don't think 1" I started.
.i pla#ed a reassuring hand on my shoulder. "9ummer, don't worry."
I sort of trusted .i, so I for#ed myself to nod, doubtful as I felt.
"(hat's the story with your mom)" 9haya asked brightly on#e the
adults had disappeared into the kit#hen.
I was tight-lipped but ,ri#a said, "-ur brother died and she kind of lost
it."
",ri#a!" I knew I sounded anguished.
"-h, wow. !hat's so sad. I'm so sorry for you guys." 9haya didn't look
#ompletely embarrassed, as most people would hae in this kind of
situation. 9hefali &ust looked, well, genuinely sorry.
"It's fine," Mi#hael said briefly.
!here was an awkward pause.
"9o!" 9haya #lapped her hands. "'nyone want to wat#h Christmas
moies) *o y'all beliee in mira#les)"
I fingered 'nn's pendant. 't that moment "athan's eyes met mine,
and something in his ga2e made my #heeks flame. "+ou know," he
said thoughtfully. "Maybe I do."
"9o, 9haya," 'nn said, sipping her glass of what I deoutly hoped was
sparkling #ider in a gra#eful pre-"eil way, "what grade are you in)"
"I'm a &unior." 9haya turned to Mr (ellington. "Can I start at !hornton
right after (inter 0reak)"
Mr (ellington smiled wryly. He was not what I'd been e7pe#ting.
"athan hadn't lied when he'd said eeryone's father in town worked
for his> he did own most of the publi# pla#es in 8inbury. 0ut you
wouldn't hae thought it to look at him. He was handsome, but he
didn't hae the thinly eiled look of disgust with life I'd #ome to
asso#iate with ri#h men in 8inbury. "(hy not. (e'd loe to hae more
metal pounding through the house eeryday."
9ee, this was what I loed about the (ellingtons. !heir easy
a##eptan#e of &ust about eerything and eeryone 1 new daughters,
son's friend's families, loud musi#, things that would hae wreaked
hao# on any other household.
9haya made a fa#e. ""o offen#e to "ate, but I'm not the metal type."
"*on't tell me you like that absurd bla#k-haired woman pole-dan#ing in
that pornographi# ideo Charl likes to wat#h." Mr (ellington's mother
turned to .i's mother and shook her silery head.
.i's mother shook her head right ba#k. ""obody listens to real metal
anymore."
9haya laughed. "I doubt that's what $randma meant, ,mily. 'nd no,
$ran. 0ritney 9pears isn't for me."
"I don't like her either," ,ri#a breathed. It was #lear she already
worshipped 9haya.
It was funny. I'd worried so mu#h about my family not being able to
ad&ust to a large #rowd 1 in#luding hostessy .i, hypera#tie Charl,
&oial Mr (ellington, '#ultured' Mrs (ellington, .i's hippie ILs-loing
mother ,mily, her ;uiet husband, beautiful fas#inating 9haya and .i's
Italian-painter boyfriend who looked shaggy-haired and ,uropean
enough to be "athan's dad's polar opposite but was his twin in
personality, #ompleting his &okes and drinking Coronas instead of the
Chianti Mrs (ellington had brought oer 1 but I was the one who was
left breathless.
"+ou okay, "athan)" .i's father said gently, his lined and wrinkled fa#e
#on#erned.
"He has been awfully ;uiet," Mrs (ellington remarked.
"athan flashed a grin. He hadn't said a word the entire time we'd
wat#hed "hristmas with the 3ranks in the upstairs den and remained
silent throughout the deli#ious lun#h Fapple-stuffed turkey, roasted
potatoes in a spi#y !hai #o#onut sau#e, some of the freshest butter on
the softest bread I'd eer tasted, mushroom au gratin, an Italian fish
dish rolling in a #heese and asparagus base> not e7a#tly traditional,
but mouthwateringly goodG and een after .i had pulled out the
dessert Fblueberry waffles smothered in whipped #ream and a pea#h
#obbler that was all sweetness and #rumbling bitsG. I would hae
worried, but was a little too busy absorbing all the sights and sounds
and tastes.
"I #an't talk," "athan said. "$ot to wat#h oer the food to make sure
nobody takes what I want."
Charl looked pleased, haing made mu#h of the food. "$lad you like it.
9haya) More #obbler)"
"More waffles a#tually," 9haya said, holding out her plate eagerly.
,ri#a looked down at her heaping helping of #obbler in
disappointment.
'fter lun#h eeryone #onerged in the liing room to #ontinue half-
finished #onersations. 'nn was talking animatedly to both "athan's
grandmothers about "ew +ork shopping spots> Mi#hael, .i's dad and
Mr (ellington were dis#ussing Iy 8eague s#hools> .i's boyfriend and
Charl and .i were loudly debating .i's se7ual prowess> ,ri# and ,ri#a
were hanging on to 9haya's eery word. I should hae taken my
family out a long time ago.
"I neer thought of you as a hyperboli2er," "athan's oi#e said #lose to
my ear.
I &umped, my wits s#attering all oer the pla#e. "Huh)" I said wittily.
"+our folks are #ool," he said, grinning. "Mine's the family in whi#h my
dad and my mom's boyfriend a#t like a gay #ouple and the sister I
neer knew I had #ropped up on Christmas morning. I heard the
doorbell ring at fie in the morning, and there she was."
"9he seems to be ad&usting pretty well." I looked at him. "I hae a
feeling you would hae had, too, in a i#e-ersa situation. +ou guys
are so alike it's un#anny 1 you een hae the same grin."
"I might hae ad&usted in a i#e-ersa situation, but I'm kind of
shellsho#ked in this one." He shook his head. "9he's #ool. I talked to
her for a while before you got here 1 I #an't really think about it now,
though. I mean, I'm sure it'll be okay haing her here, but 1" He
shrugged, laughed a little. "I'm a bit da2ed."
"'t least you're a##epting the whole thing." I #hanged the sub&e#t.
"$ot any #ool presents)"
"+es!" "athan's fa#e lit up adorably. "(ant to #ome see) !hey're
upstairs."
9hit. I wasn't sure I #ould trust myself to be alone with "athan these
days. 0ut he looked so hopeful, and 1
(hat was I so afraid of, e7a#tly) I'd worried and worried about 'nn,
and here she was, showing a kind of resilien#e I'd only dreamed of
e7pe#ting. I had to trust myself to e7hibit that kind of resilien#e.
"9ure," I said, smiling.
(e e7#used ourseles 1 nobody een looked up from their heated
#onersations e7#ept 9haya, who winked in a way that was
embarrassing, and Mi#hael, who raised his eyebrows. I ignored both
of them, though my heart had started to ra#e at thoughts of mistletoe
1 and a dark room 1 and 1 I #losed my eyes and owed to stop
thinking altogether.
.ideo games ,ri# would hae killed for. 'n i4hone. ' leather &a#ket
that I knew would bring out "athan's eyes. ' bun#h of #ards and
stationery, a ery random deodorant. 'nd the i#ing on the big fat #ake
that was "athan's #olle#tion of Christmas presents 1 a midnight blue
4ors#he Carrera outside his window that seemed to wink at me in the
sunlight.
"9houldn't you, like, put it in a garage so the snow doesn't spoil it or
something)" I said, too awestru#k to sound anything but idioti#.
"I like looking at it." "athan's breath fogged up the glass as he
pressed his nose against the window pane, making me think of the
se7 s#ene in &itanic. "Isn't it the most gorgeous thing you'e eer
seen)"
"+eah." 4resent #ompany e7#luded. "It's amaCing. +ou're lu#ky."
"athan looked at me graely. "I know. *on't think I don't know." His
eyes lightened.
"9o%" I turned away after a minute's silen#e and "athan did too,
flopping down on his bed. "I guess I am too. My family%this is the
most normal I'e seen them sin#e "eil died." I #ouldn't tell him about
'nn's present &ust yet.
"+eah, &u7taposing anyone's family with mine does hae that effe#t,"
"athan &oked.
"+ou know I think yours is in#redible," I said earnestly, sitting down
ne7t to him.
He rea#hed out and let his hand hoer oer mine. "!ell you what. I'll let
you share wheneer you want."
I grinned and #hanged the sub&e#t before I melted like i#e-#ream on
an 'ugust day. "!his is the first time I get to see your room properly."
"9ee away, there's nothing I'm ashamed of," "athan said with a
flourish.
"(e'll see about that," I said, getting up to inspe#t. 9ports teams and
the Champagne $ang seemed to be the most prealent themes. !he
Champagne $ang sti#king out 4opsi#le-stained tongues, a beaming
"athan and a smirking ?a#h 1 ?a#h! 1 in elaborate rap artist
#ostumes that made me laugh out loud, a young-but-still-dignified ,e
in ballet pose, Chris and "athan and two brunettes I didn't re#ogni2e
huddled into a tent, Chris and /o7ane and a bun#h of other teenagers
in a hot tub, /o7anne kissing ?a#h's #heek on a bea#h, Chris with
purple hair middle-fingering the #amera with his arm around a
gorgeous redhead. !hey were pi#tures of what I assumed were glory
days, and they made me feel heartwren#hingly sad.
My eyes fell on a pi#ture of the gang as I knew it 1 e7#ept that they
were all fie or si7 years old and sitting in a kiddie pool. /o7anne in a
bright pink bikini, ,e in a bla#k one-pie#e, Chris and ?a#h in bright
orange swim trunks that made me smile, and "athan, the most
arrogantly straightba#ked one of the bun#h despite three missing
teeth in 1 I did a double take 1 pink trunks, staring at the #amera with
one arm around ea#h of the girls.
I reali2ed two things. -ne< I missed ?a#h a shitload of a lot. 'nd two 1
"!hat's the #utest pi#ture I'e eer seen," I said out loud.
"athan grinned. "(e were the #utest kids you eer will see."
"I won't try to argue with that." !here was a strange feeling #reeping
up my spine as I studied them in their arious pi#tures. " I don't think
1" I took a deep breath. "+ou guys hae a really long history, don't
you)"
"I loe my friends," he said simply. "'lways hae. (e all do. "o matter
how s#rewed up thinfs are. "ot loing them would be like 1 not
wanting an arm, or something. It gets to a point where it's
un#onditional, you know)"
I stared at a pi#ture of what looked like a fourteen-year-old ?a#h with
a mohawk piggyba#king a shrieking ,e and wondered if he felt the
same way. 9omehow I knew he did< he wouldn't feel so betrayed by
his friends if he hadn't on#e #ared about them deeply. If he didn't still
#are. *eep down.
"athan #o#ked his head at the pi#ture of the kiddie pool. "!hat's at the
#lub. ,e and Chris got into a fight ten minutes after the pi#ture and
she pushed him into the deep side."
I #ouldn't help it. I gasped.
"Chris #ried out for help and /o7anne &umped in after him."
I gaped. "(hat)"
"9he said she wasn't going to let any of her friends go into the 's#ary
deep blue thing' without her. 9he was shit s#ared of the water but I
guess she learned to swim that day. !he lifeguard fished them both
out and ,e got grounded, like, foreer."
6unny thing was, if that had happened to /a#hael, I would hae a#ted
&ust like /o7anne. 9#ary, to think I had something in #ommon with her.
"9he's like that still, isn't she)" I said, disliking this feeling of sympathy
but going with it. "4rote#tie. 8oyal."
"athan nodded.
"It's not an e7#use, though," I added fier#ely.
His ga2e didn't falter. ""o. "ot at all."
0ut it did kind of help me see why /o7anne was so territorial, een
though I didn't want to.
",nough about her," "athan said #heerfully. "It's time for your
present."
"+ou got me a present)" I was taken aba#k. "0ut all I got you was a
#ard!"
"4ish pash," "athan said grandly. "Here."
It was a small blue &ewelry bo7 that he handed to me, and it was a
small pair of stud earrings that I found inside it. ' small pair of
diamond stud earrings set in white gold/
I must hae stood there for about an hour with my &aw hanging open.
""athan." I swallowed. "I #an't take this."
"athan looked #restfallen. "0ut Charl said they were totally your style!
I was going to go for these pearls or this emerald pendant but she
said understated was your thing 1 although that dress isn't and you
look totally hot, by the way 1 and I thought about it and de#ided she
was right 1"
""athan, these are way too e7pensie." 8ike new #ar-e7pensie,
probably. 'nd totally not appropriate for a 'friend'. 'nd probably totally
within his budget, too, but still. "I &ust #an't 1 $od, they're gorgeous,
but 1"
"I want you to hae them," "athan said ;uietly.
I looked up at his tone. His green eyes were magneti# in their
brillian#e, and I #ouldn't think straight. ""ate 1"
"4lease." He #o#ked his head. "+ou'e been%great. 9in#e you got
here. +ou'e%made me feel like%"
"I got you a card and a "). 'nd all I'e done is turn you down, like fie
million times, and &udge you and your friends, and 1"
"Helped gie me a #ons#ien#e," "athan said, raising his eyebrows.
"Made me reali2e that being a good guy isn't a bad thing. Made me
feel relieed that there are other girls in the world besides /o7anne
and oere7posed bimbos. $irls who would #are about me, not money
or popularity. If they did #are, I mean."
I slowly snapped the bo7 shut. "I'm not sure what to say."
"It's &ust earrings, 9um." He put an arm around me. "'nyone #an get
you earrings. ' #ard and a mi7 C*, now, mu#h more thoughtful."
I #ouldn't help feeling that "athan had this idea of me on a pedestal in
his head. !he thought was een more oerwhelming than the arm.
"(ell. !hank you."
"9o. *o you want to go down and hang out with 9haya and your 1"
"(hen I first saw 9haya I thought she was your girlfriend," I blurted.
"athan's arm slid off my shoulder. He ba#ked ba#k into his bed and
sat. "I'e neer had a girlfriend," he said #onersationally. ""ot the way
you mean."
I looked at my shoes, #rossing my legs as I per#hed ne7t to him.
"9ometimes," I said, my heart in my mouth, "sometimes I feel like
you're always wat#hing yourself around me. 8ike I don't know you."
"-f #ourse you know me." "athan's eyes stayed away from mine as
he s;uee2ed my ankle gently in that impossibly intimate way of his.
"+ou know my faourite song and what I think of my friends. !hat's
more than most people."
"+es, but 1" I shifted, throwing his fingers off my leg to make it easier
to #on#entrate. "+ou're &ust so different from the guy I first met, but I
know he's in you, but I also feel like you're not a &erk 1"
"athan leaned #loser, making my breath #at#h in my throat. "It's not
that I'm not arrogant, or, you know, kind of a flirt, I guess. It's &ust that
that's not all I am."
"+ou don't open up to me," I mumbled. "It's like you #an't show me
what you really feel, like I'm this &udgemental bit#h who would 1"
"athan wrapped the side of my fa#e in one of his large hands, turning
my fa#e sideways so I would look at him. I let the #onfusion show in
my fa#e and his eyes held my ga2e as if memori2ing the position of
my eery eyelash. "I want you to trust me."
"I want you to trust me," I said. "It's like you're afraid to eer show me
how you feel, like you're not 1 when I first met you you used to keep
me on edge and 1"
"+ou want me to be that guy)" "athan said doubtfully. "0e#ause I
don't think I #ould 1"
"I want you to be whoeer you are," I said.
His lips ;uirked upwards. "I don't think I een know who that is. *oes
anybody)"
"$ood point," I reali2ed. "!hen &ust be whoeer you're #omfortable
being."
"9ummer." "athan waited till I turned my head. "!his is who I'm
#omfortable being. ,7#ept sometimes I hold ba#k on some things
be#ause I want to be the best I #an be with you."
I looked him in the eye, longing for someone who would feel that way.
"I was &ealous when I thought 9haya was your girlfriend."
My heart skipped a beat as I wat#hed this register. !hen, slowly,
"athan's full mouth #ured into a grin.
"(ell," he said softly. "I guess I #an work with that."
He tou#hed my #heek. I #ouldn't blink or look away> it was as if he had
put a spell on me. He made me feel young and ine7perien#ed and
foolish and ery, ery fifteen years old, but he also made me feel ery
se7y. I leaned towards him, not breaking his ga2e, feeling unsure but
also knowing that I would be okay.
His lips were #old and smooth, and he brushed them against mine
softly, almost as if he was afraid of hurting me. !he kiss was sweet,
subtle, tender> it wasn't oerpowering, but I knew it #ould hae been if
he'd wanted it to be 1 he was being a gentleman, he was holding
ba#k, and it was all right. My hands drifted up to his blond hair, and I
ran my fingers through it, en&oying the feel of the soft fine strands on
my skin.
He pulled ba#k, resting his forehead against mine. "I guess this is a
good time to tell you that I like you. .ery mu#h."
"(hat do guys do in 8inbury when they like girls)" I asked inno#ently.
He gae me a ;ui22i#al look. "(hat do they do in "oo +awk City)"
His e7aggerated hi#k a##ent made me smile. '#tually, after that kiss,
&ust about anything would hae made me smile. I #ouldn't beliee what
was happening 1 what I was doing. !hat it was athan Wellington I
was doing this with. ""ot sure. !he last time it happened to me, I was
in the si7th grade. He gae me a #andy heart and kissed me. 'fter
that, if a guy liked me, I found out about it after my boyfriend beat him
up."
"athan grinned teasingly. "(ell, I'm not sure if I hae a #andy heart,
but 1" He rea#hed into his #oat po#ket and pulled out, in ;ui#k
su##ession, his #ar keys, a fie-dollar bill, and a 9ni#kers bar. "Here."
He pla#ed it in my palm, widening my smile. "I #an do 9ni#kers. *oes
that kiss you gae me #ount)"
I mo#k-frowned. "I guess it'll hae to do."
"athan smiled ba#k sweetly, pla#ing his hand on the side of my ne#k.
"+ou know, when guys in 8inbury like a girl, they ask her out."
"(ho am I to #ontest tradition)" I shrugged. "How about% you #all me
the day you get ba#k."
"athan smiled again. "I guess it'll hae to do."



84. -#ll To 2ie&es
I pressed my nose to the window and stared at the gleaming silery
rier flashing by. I wasn't sure if it was the adrenaline ebbing away or
the #old in the mostly empty train, but I #ouldn't stop shiering.
"Here." ?a#h's oi#e was #alm as he pressed something #omfortably
warm into my palm. "Hot dog. ,at."
"!hanks," I whispered, but I didn't moe to unwrap the hot dog.
?a#h didn't press it. He leaned ba#k into his seat and propped his feet
up on the opposite seat. "9o, kid. +ou going to e7plain why we're
here)"
I didn't say anything, but my thoughts leaped ba#k to Christmas day.
")id you all have a good time?* %nn asked as $ichael, 4ric, 4rica,
and # walked up the drive to our house/
"+est "hristmas ever,* 4rica said e6citedly/ *Shaya gave me "hanel
per,ume!*
")id you get a load o, that tree?* 4ric demanded, giving his sister a
hard shove to e6press his ,eelings/ *#t was bigger than the one in
$acy's!*
# was ,eeling even more euphoric than the two o, them put together/ #
couldn't stop reliving the kiss every ,ive seconds, and # wanted to
cartwheel down the pavement back to athan's house to 7ump his
bones again/
"Why are you smiling like that?* 4rica asked suspiciously/
# realiCed that # had stopped in the middle o, the driveway and was
hugging mysel, ,our doubt,ul ,aces looked at me/ *o reason,* # said,
smiling wider, ,eeling like a total girl/
"Whatever,* 4rica said, stomping the last ,ew steps back to the house/
With a backward glance at me, 4ric ,ollowed/
%nn put her arm around me, looking around at the deepening
darkness/ *&hank you, Summer/*
"For what?* # smiled at her/ # would have smiled at Ro6anne i, she'd
popped up, # was sure/
"For getting yoursel, a ,riend like athan,* 4rica said snidely/
# ,elt heat taking over my ,ace/
"2h, my .od/* 4rica looked at me intently/ *When you guys
disappeared ,or all that time F*
2kay/ 3id was too sharp ,or her own good/
"!e's not your ,riend anymore, is F* 4rica stopped short/ We all did/
+ecause standing at the ,oyer, his ,ace more ,urious than we'd ever
seen it, was1*)ad,* $ichael said curtly/
)ad spun on his heels and strode to the kitchen/ .lancing nervously
at each other, we ,ollowed/
&here was a long silence be,ore he spoke/ *Where,* he growled,
*have you been?*
"We went out/* 4rica seemed to have regained her composure and
with it, her brattiness/ *#t's "hristmas, you know/ &ime ,or celebration,
not sitting around in this dark house wanting to spontaneously
combust F*
"!%54 you any #)4% how worried # W%S!* )ad bellowed/
%nn ,linched/ #t was a minute be,ore # understood that the ,eeling
growing in the pit o, my stomach was not penitence or ,ear, but anger/
"2h, so you choose now to be a ,ather and worry?* +ut it wasn't me
who said it/ #t was 4ric/
)ad stared at him/
"!e's right/* 4rica put her hand on her brother's shoulder/ *Where
have you been ,or the past ,ew minutes, when you should have
worried about us? You don't 7ust get to, like, dance in on "hristmas
and act like you've earned the right to know where we are all the time
F*
"# will not be spoken to with such blatant disrespect!* )ad roared/ *#
came home early ,or you, so we could have a ,amily celebration, and
this is the thanks # get F*
"Shut up!* %nn screamed/
)ad stepped back as i, he'd been slapped/ &he very last vestiges o,
my euphoria glimmered away/ # sBuinted at %nn in shock/
"Frank, there #S no ,amily here,* %nn said Buietly/ *)on't you see that?
)o you know what your children have been up to lately? )o you care
what #'ve been up to lately?*
)ad's ,ace shut down/ !e crossed his arms over his chest and let out
a contemptuous laugh/ *%nd you've been a wonder,ul mother, have
you? Forgetting where the shower is, mooning around over something
you should have moved on ,rom a long time ago, paying more
attention to soap operas than your dys,unctional children1need # go
on?*
# saw tears start in %nn's eyes and wanted to strangle my ,ather/
*You're an asshole/*
"Summer?* $y dad turned to look at me in disbelie,/
"Yeah, # think you're an asshole/* # looked him in the eye/ *0ook at
%nn/ Your wi,e, i, you don't remember/ She's dressed and she's
getting better, and she cares about us/ You're the one who works all
the time, who cares about eil more than the living members o, your
,amily/ 2h, and by the way? You should have ,ound !adley i, you
were searching ,or us F you know, your daughter, who's always so
drunk she's probably going to die soon, 7ust like your son?*
4rica made a strangled noise and turned away/ 4ric raced a,ter her/
)ad stared at me with so much rage that i, looks could killed #'d be
playing with eil right about then/
".o to your room,* he said icily/
# couldn't believe it/ !e was still dismissing me, 7ust as he had always
had/ *You're a sel,ish bastard,* # started, but %nn stepped ,orward/
".o, sweetheart,* she said/ *Your ,ather and # need to talk/*
"%nn F*
".o,* she said, giving me a push/ *#'ll be okay/
"(e'll be in Manhattan in half an hour," ?a#h said, shifting.
"$ood," I said, still #lut#hing the hot dog. !he ro#king of the train
underneath my feet was%ni#e.
"If you're not going to eat that, don't waste it," ?a#h said. "$ie it to a
growing boy."
"$rowing)" I snorted. "(ho do you think you are, ?a#h the $iant)"
"If I was," he said, "we wouldn't need a train to get to "ew +ork. I'd &ust
sling you oer my shoulder and take a few steps."
I smiled wanly. I was beginning to feel tired. "I missed you, ?a#hie
poo."
He pulled the hot dog out of my grasp and bit into it.
"# wonder what they're talking about,* $ichael mumbled/
# raised my tearstained ,ace ,rom my pillow/ *#'m so sick o, this/*
"Forget it/* $ichael patted my head like # was a dog/ *What's really
going on between you and athan?*
")oes it matter right now?*
")oes it?* $ichael raised his eyebrows/
"#t does!* 4rica stormed in with 4ric, slamming the door o, my room
shut behind them/ *"an you please cheer me up and tell me you have
a hot rich boy,riend now?*
# tucked a strand o, hair behind my ear, ,lushing/ *We kissed/ # guess
we'll go out when he gets back ,rom #taly/*
"Yay!* 4rica sBueaked/ *)on't sound too cheerleaderishly e6cited or
anything/*
"#t's 7ust1* # ,elt like the whole thing had happened a Cillion years ago/
*# don't know/*
"!e's a decent guy,* $ichael said/
"# know/ # like him/* # sighed/ *# was 7ust1so happy1and now #'m
worried/*
".od, stop worrying about us,* 4rica said/ *We're ,ine/ Frank's 7ust a
moron/*
"What i, he and %nn split up ,or real and she had to move out?* #
asked/ *She's not ready ,or something like that/*
"Sure she is,* 4rica said airily/
"What about money?* # said hesitantly/
"Your dad'll pay her some kind o, support,* 4rica said/ *&hat Steele
woman will certi,y about her mental instability thingy i, he wants to
,ight about it, but # don't think he will, because he's all about
avoidance/ 8lus she's okay to get an okay 7ob/ +esides, Frankie boy
bought this place with the remains o, her trust ,un/ !e'll be the one
who'll have to move out/ )on't worry, you and $ikey can stay with us/*
# gaped at her/ *What?* she said in response to everyone's stares/
*You think #'ve never thought about this stu,, be,ore?*
She kind o, reminded me o, -ach at the moment F her practicality, the
way she was treating me like a kid/ # wanted to talk to him/ !is matterA
o,A,act sarcasm was 7ust what # needed right then/
"So 7ust don't worry,* 4rica said, and $ichael nodded/ *You and $ikey
and us are gonna be ,ine, and "ee"ee doesn't even live here
anymore so she's already ,ine/*
# was beginning to ,eel marginally better when 4ric said, *What about
!adley?*
#nstant guilt at the thought that #'d ,orgotten all about !adley/
")r Steele asked me to get !adley to her,* # said/ *+ut # have no idea
how to/*
"#'m tired o, her,* 4rica said bluntly, her ,ace beginning to match her
hair/ *She doesn't need to act the way she does/ She's not the only
one who lost eil/*
"&hey were closer than anyone else, though,* 4ric reasoned/
"Whatever,* 4rica said/ *She's still being a bitch/*
"ow you're talking like )ad,* # pointed out/ *o need to 7udge her that
way/*
4rica reddened ,urther/ *.uess she's not the only bitch/*
"# think she needs help,* 4ric cut in/
"Yeah,* # agreed, *but she's kind o, being unhelpable/*
"!er basic problem is alcohol abuse, right?* 4ric said/ *So we need to
get her to rehab/*
# could only look at this incredibly mature, matterAo,A,act kid and
wonder who the hell he was/
"+ecause she is so going to be down with that,* 4rica retorted/
# suddenly realiCed what we were doing; sitting down as a ,amily to ,i6
our problems/ # also realiCed that dragging the twins into adult
problems was not very responsible, but what was # supposed to do?
3ick them out o, the room when they were coming up with solutions?
"Well, # was watching this episode o, !he -.C and they were getting
3irsten to go to rehab by staging some intervention or something,*
4ric said/ *# bet we could call up the rehabilitation center at the
hospital and do something like A* !e broke o,,, taking in our stares/
*What?*
"You watch !he -.C?* # said blankly/
"%re you gay?* 4rica said bluntly/
"$ischa +arton has gorgeous legs,* 4ric said de,ensively/
"You are way too young to be noticing that,* # said disgustedly/
"0et's do it,* $ichael said loudly/
"%n intervention?* # blinked, trying to come up with reasons not to/
4rica threw up her hands/ *Why the hell not?*
"/ead any good books lately)" ?a#h said, fidgeting.
"+ou had to start small talk &ust as I was drifting off to sleep, didn't
you)" I raised my head blearily from his shoulder.
"*idn't want drool on my &a#ket," he e7plained.
I barked a laugh. "(hat's the time)"
"!en to midnight." ?a#h shook his head. "0ad things will now start
happening."
"0ad things are always happening," I said.
"Stop checking your watch,* 4rica scolded/ *You know $ikey's gonna
call us when it's done/*
We were sitting at a ca,G three blocks away ,rom our house, ,inishing
one doughnut a,ter another/ #t was the day a,ter ew Year'sH -ach had
emailed to say he was back Ibut 7etlagged and hence unavailableJ,
athan was still out o, town/ )ad and %nn weren't talking anymore,
but since he was perpetually at work again nothing seemed to have
changed/ # spent ew Year's 4ve at the mall with %nn, the twins and
$ichael, eating tacos and laughing mysel, silly over stupid things/
When !adley had come in wasted at three am and passed out in the
,oyer and )ad hadn't come home at all till the ne6t morning, $ichael
had called )r Steele/
"#'m nervous,* # said, reaching ,or a chocolate doughnut/
"$ore like panicky/* 4ric patted my hand reassuringly/ *Eust stop
thinking about it/*
"Yeah, think about atie boy,* 4rica snickered/
athan/ $y F what was he e6actly? ot boy,riend, not yet/ $y
stomach dropped as # realiCed that i, he eventually did become my
boy,riend, -ach would have to know all about it/ &hat would be a
picnic, all right, telling him/
# couldn't think about it/ ot right then/
"You okay?* 4ric wanted to know/ *)on't stop breathing/*
"!ow can you guys be so calm?* # demanded/ *!adley's being
intervened or whatever right now! Some doctor's trying to get her into
rehab/ She's probably shrieking and raging and F # should be there!*
"&o do what, ,reak out?* 4rica said/ *You're doing a great 7ob o, that
anyway/*
# Buieted down, staring at my co,,ee shop/ *# 7ust1*
"0et us go over this one more time, shall we, 4ricus?* 4rica said in a
,lat monotone/ *%nn didn't want us to see the intervention F*
"2r the violence !adley's capable o, F*
"0ike we've never watched action movies F*
"2r like we've never seen our crummy sister throw beer bottles at
random people F *
"So she sent us out o, the house F *
"+ut we re,used to go F*
"So you came with us/*
"#t was really the responsible thing to do,* they ,inished together/ *For
you/*
"# should be there,* # insisted/
"0et's go then,* 4rica said cheer,ully/ *#t's probably better than a
0i,etime movie/*
# looked at them in disbelie,/ *You guys are emotionally scarred by
%nn and )ad's ,ight, aren't you? &hat's why you're so calm about
this/*
"We're 7ust sensible,* 4rica said/
!uh/ # used to be sensible/ #'d become an emotional mess lately/ Was
that healthy or unhealthy? # didn't know, but # knew # needed to pull
mysel, together/
"You're right/* # ,orced a smile/ *$ore doughnuts?*
"o,* 4ric and 4rica said, shuddering in unison/
%w,ul as # ,elt about !adley, # also ,elt happy/ +ecause honestly? #
wasn't alone any longer/ o matter what happened ne6t, # had a
,amily/
"9o this is an awkward silen#e," ?a#h said.
I &erked out of my do2e. "It's #omfortable."
"I was being polite. It's a#tually a silen#e filled with your snores. ,rgo,
dis#omfort."
"Hae you been to "ew +ork before)" I asked.
"I'm from "ew =ersey, kid, not outer spa#e." ?a#h rolled his eyes.
"6ine. How was your a#ation)"
"0etter than yours, #learly," ?a#h smirked. "!his is going to be a
ridi#ulously inane #onersation if we #ontinue in this ein, but I'll bite.
How was yours)"
""athan kissed me," I blurted.
My head snapped as ?a#h remoed his shoulder from under it. I
#ursed under my breath.
"*oes that hae anything to do with why we're on a train to "ew +ork
in the middle of the night)" he asked, his oi#e #ontrolled.
"He asked me out," I said timidly. I wanted his shoulder ba#k. It was
warm and #omforting and eerything I needed at the moment. "I 1 I
like him."
?a#h looked out of the window. "!here's #learly no point in me 1"
"?a#h." I put a hand on his shoulder, solid under my fingers. "Can we
please talk about this later)"
He looked at my fa#e, softening. "6ine," he relented.
"%nn?* # pushed open the door o, my house with my knee, one arm
around each twin's shoulder/
"#n here,* $ichael called/
&hey were sitting in the living room, %nn's ,ace buried in her hands,
shoulders heaving, $ichael impassive as ever/ # rushed to my
stepmother/ *What happened?* # asked/
She looked up/ *She le,t,* she said, sounding drained/
"Eust like that?* # was stunned/
"She was stoned when she showed up,* $ichael said coolly/
"# lied to her,* %nn whispered/ *# lied/*
"%nn1* # rested my chin on head on her shoulder/
"# told her she needed help and she F* !er ,ace contorted/ *She told
me she wished # was dead/*
"+itch,* 4rica hissed, eyes ,lashing/
$y grip tightened on %nn's hands/ *She didn't mean it/*
"She did/* %nn was visibly gulping down tears/ *&hen F # told her F #
told her that the F the people were going to take her to a nightclub
where she could get a 7ob ,or tasting drinks/ She screamed but she F
she believed me/*
"She was that wasted?* 4rica said incredulously/
# glared at her/ *.o to your room, Ric/*
She stuck out her tongue and perched on my lap, pushing my hands
out o, the way/ *0ook, $om/ What you did was ,or !adley's own good/
She probably deserves to be locked up/*
4ric gave his sister a disgusted look, took her arm, and hauled her
away/ %nn took some deep, wet breaths/
"She is right,* # said gently/
$ichael nodded/ *She needed help/*
%nn wrapped her arms around me/ # hugged her back/ %,ter a minute,
$ichael reached over and stroked her upper back/
# knew # should have ,elt sadness, or remorse that !adley had been
duped into leaving, but all # ,elt was relie,/
"Where's !adley?*
%nn, $ichael and # looked up ,rom what # was desperate to call a
group hug/ )ad stood behind the couch F rumpled suit, hair standing
on end as usual F clutching a beer bottle in his hand/ $an had to pick
the worst moment he could to come home/
"Frank?* %nn said, standing/
"You need to tell your daughter not to leave her trash outside my
house,* he said, holding up the bottle/
"She must have dropped that on her way to $r Reagan's car,* %nn
said, sBuaring her shoulders/
)ad ,rowned/ *$r F he's in charge o, the alcohol abuse centre at F*
!is eyes widened as he put two and two together/ *You sent her to
rehab without consulting me?* he sputtered/
"You said yoursel, that she's my daughter,* %nn said coolly/ She
seemed a di,,erent person altogether, and yet ,amiliar at the same
time/
"#'m the one who pays the bills,* )ad said/
"# took the money out o, my college ,und,* $ichael pointed out/
"#'m not talking to you,* )ad snapped/
"8lease treat me like an adult,* $ichael said/
"#'m the one who's going to be re,urbishing your ,und,* )ad said
patroniCingly/ *#'ll treat you like an adult a,ter you pay me back/*
"You seem to work hard enough to re,urbish everyone's college ,unds
in the tristate area,* # said/
"# work to secure your ,uture,* )ad said, ,ace heating up/
"+ullshit,* # said/ *You work to try and ,orget your dead son/*
&here was a resounding smack as he slapped me across the ,ace/
&ears welled up in my eyes, but it had nothing to do with the sting/
".uess what, )ad, it isn't working!* # shouted/ *# hope you don't ever
have to think about eil again, because #'m sure that's what he would
want!*
!is muscles tightened as he visibly ,ought ,or control over himsel,/
*&his is your in,luence,* he said ,inally, looking at %nn/ *$y daughter
would never talk to me this way i, it wasn't ,or you/*
"She's 7ust as much my daughter as yours,* %nn said Buietly/
)ad shook his head/ *# want you to move out/ #'ll have the divorce
papers delivered tomorrow/*
"Frank, # F* %nn swayed/ She closed her eyes and when they opened
again, they were hard/ *&his is my house/ #t's in my name/*
"&hen # guess #'ll be out o, your hair in a week,* )ad said coldly, not
missing a beat/ *Summer, $ichael, # hope you can be packed by
then/*
%nn looked at us/ *Summer, $ichael, this is your house too, as long
as it's mine/*
)ad clenched his ,ists/ *)on't you dare,* he hissed at her/
# stood ,roCen/ &his F this was happening too ,ast/ # couldn't do this/ #
couldn't deal/ $y senses were shutting down/
# turned and ran ,or my room/
"6ie minutes to go," ?a#h #hanted.
I sat up in my seat. "My e7 boyfriend #alled me si7 months after
dumping me today."
?a#h nodded. "!hat's why we're here."
I found, to my surprise, that it wasn't. ""o," I said. "I &ust needed to
#ome ba#k." I sear#hed his eyes.
He shrugged. "-kay."
$y cell phone was ringing as # burst into my room, reeling ,rom )ad
and %nn's ,ight, and ,lung mysel, down on my bed/ !oping it was
athan or -ach, # ,lipped it open/ $y voice shook as # said hello/
"#s this a bad time?* a disturbingly ,amiliar voice asked/
# sat up straight, ,orgetting my hal,AblackedAout vision/ *"urtis?*
"Dh, yeah,* my e6 boy,riend said/ *!i?*
"!i,* # stammered/
"!ow are you?*
&ell me this was an alternate universe/ *#'m good?* #t came out
sounding like a Buestion/
".ood,* "urtis said heartily, like he was Eay 0eno/ *.reat/ #'m good,
too/*
"Dm,* # said/ *.ood/*
"So # bet your new town's pretty during the holidays,* he said a,ter a
,ew e6cruciating moments/
""urtis/* # didn't have time ,or this/ $y stomach wasn't glooping and
glushing at the sound o, his voice, but # ,elt pretty overwhelmed/ *#s
there something you want?*
"Whoa/* "urtis sounded taken aback/ *o time ,or small talk, huh?*
"$erry "hristmas, !appy !anukah, !appy ew Year,* # deadpanned/
*)one?*
"Dm,* "urtis said awkwardly/ *You know Rachael?*
"# think # used to have a best ,riend o, that name,* # said, channeling
-ach's sarcasm/
"Yeah, well, # think #'m in love with her,* "urtis blurted out/
# ,elt as i, he'd kicked my heart with his spiked athlete's sneakers/ #
breathed in and out ,or a minute/
"Was that why you dumped me?*
"o, this 7ust happened recently F we've been hanging out lately and #
F*
$y memories were blocking out the sound o, his voice/ # couldn't help
thinking o, all the times Rachel had slammed me ,or dating a
eanderthal thug, and the eBual number o, times "urt had called her
a pretentious ,rigid bitch/ # couldn't wondering why #'d ever hung out
with either o, them mysel,/
"Were you cheating on me with her?* # asked/
"Summer, no F*
"What do you want?* # asked/ *$y blessings?*
"3ind o,,* "urtis said uncom,ortably/ *You know # think you're F*
"#'m never going to be in your li,e again,* # said harshly/ *You don't
need anything ,rom me/ %t all/ # 7ust hope she isn't as ,rigid as you
always said she was/*
"Sum F*
"Fuck you,* # said, snapping my phone shut/
Yeah/ &hat was why he had called me a,ter months o, without so
much as a polite hello/ &o tell me he wanted my ,ormer best ,riend/ #
slammed my ,ist into the wall and let out a scream/ &his was all 7ust
too much/ &22 $D"!/ # couldn't F # couldn't F
!he train #hugged slowly into $rand Central, the lights inside
fli#kering. It was busy outside on the platform, despite the late hour. I
inhaled deeply.
"(el#ome home," ?a#h mumbled, slumping at my side.
I looked at him, heart speeding. "!hanks."
# was running down the snowAencrusted 0inbury roads, gasping and
heaving, wetness on my cheeks that could be tears o, 7ust the snow,
,inding it impossible to breathe/ %nd then # was at the doorway to
-ach's house, ,acing my best ,riend, who was stepping out o, it/
# wasn't thinking straight/ # wanted to rip my )ad's ,ace out, # wanted
to kick "urtis's stupid ass, # wanted to spit in Rachael's ,ace and then
come back and stick a steak kni,e into Ro6anne/ # doubled over, eyes
streaming, ,ighting ,or breath/
"# need to go to ew York,* # said by way o, greeting/ *# need to get
away/*
-ach studied me/ *0et's go/*
$y entire body was shaking/ *You'd go with me?*
"%s opposing to risking leaving you alone when you're like this?* -ach
raised his eyebrows in the ,amiliar way # loved/ *%ren't we supposed
to be ,riends?*
"We could make the eleven o' clock train,* # gasped out/
-ach smiled crookedly/ *!appy !olidays, kid/*
(e stood outside $rand Central, shoulder to shoulder, wat#hing the
#abs and the people and the buildings, taking in the #a#ophony of
noises, smelling the #risp #ity air. ' #ar s#ree#hed by, missing the
paement by a few in#hes, and a blond #ouple stood fa#e to fa#e
behind ?a#h s#reaming at ea#h other in !e7an a##ents about him
buying her an e7tra-small 'I Heart "ew +ork' t-shirt when he
apparently knew she was a medium.
'h, Manhattan.
"(here to)" !he #ab drier had brown skin, a pink turban per#hed
&auntily on his head and a pronoun#ed Indian a##ent. He also had the
biggest, friendliest smile I'd seen in a while.
"+eah, (ard," ?a#h intoned. "'re you going to barge into your e7-
boyfriend's pla#e at three in the morning with a guy he's neer met
and demand the #ou#h to #rash on until you're energeti# enough to
throw things at him)"
'#tually, I felt energeti# enough, at the moment, to sprint up Mount
,erest. It was the musty, burrito-y air in the #ab, the glimmering lights
all around me, the sheer possibility of my home #ity. "+ou forget I used
to lie here," I said loftily, and gae the #abbie the address of my old
apartment. =ust saying the on#e-familiar words gae me goosebumps.
"(hat, you guys held on to your old pla#e)" ?a#h wanted to know.
"+ou #ouldn't hae sold it and used the money to buy better #lothes)"
I shot him a glare. "My sister CeeCee #ouldn't stand 8inbury so she
got her boyfriend to buy it from my *ad. !hey lie there now."
"'nother sister)" ?a#h whistled. "+our family #ould probably populate
a small planet."
"+our wit is in fine form today, isn't it," I said.
"+ou do not get to drag me here in the middle of the night and then
#omplain about my wit," ?a#h shot ba#k.
"I didn't make you #ome," I said, lowering my oi#e.
"I hae eleen sisters in my home in 4un&ab," the #abbie olunteered
suddenly, defusing the tense moment.
I smiled at him in the reariew mirror and he smiled ba#k
#onspiratorially.
!he truth was, I was nerous. I hadn't spoken to CeeCee sin#e she'd
left 8inbury during my first week at !hornton. I hadn't thought it was
possible to see her 1 the two-hour-long gap between "ew +ork and
8inbury had always seemed unbridgeable to me. 'nd now here I was,
kno#king on the door of our 1 her 1 apartment with a strange boy in
tow.
(hat was I doing here) !his wasn't right, een if the familiar smells
and sights of my old neighbourhood were settling #omfortingly around
me.
!he door in#hed open. 9uddenly my sister was in front of me, looking
so familiar that it took my breath away. "9ummer)" she said
in#redulously.
"3h, hi," I said inade;uately. "I know this is really bad timing 1"
"9ummer!" CeeCee shouted, so loudly that I win#ed, imagining #ranky
Mrs 6it#h upstairs haing a heart atta#k. CeeCee made a sudden
bound at me, and then suddenly her arms were tight around my
shoulders and I #ould smell her strawberry-s#ented body oil and feel
her always-a-few-degrees-warmer-than-mine skin and before I knew
it, I was bursting into tears.
"Honey! (hat happened) (hat's wrong) /oss, look who's here!
9ummer, baby, talk to me!" CeeCee yelled into my ear.
"Hadley's in rehab and *ad's dior#ing 'nn and 'nn is okay and she
wants me to lie with her when *ad moes out and Mi#hael will and I
hate *ad and the twins are like seenty and 1 and 1 Curtis wants
/a#hael!" I burst out.
CeeCee pulled away from me, eyes wide. "(hoa."
"Huh," ?a#h said.
0oth of us looked at him, standing silently ne7t to me. CeeCee's
eyebrows shot upwards as I rea#hed out blindly and #lut#hed his arm
for support.
"!his is ?a#h," I announ#ed un#eremoniously, shoing him forwards
een as I kept a grip on his sleee.
"I'm ?a#h," ?a#h agreed.
"+ou're ?a#h," CeeCee agreed.
/oss appeared beside my sister. "9ummer)" He gae me a #onfused
on#e-oer.
"Hey, /oss," I sniffled with a watery smile.
CeeCee looked from me to ?a#h to her boyfriend. "+ou two, #ome in,"
she ordered.
"'bout time," ?a#h mumbled, following CeeCee and /oss into my 1
their 1 apartment.
!he door #losed behind us. I e7haled loudly.
?a#h was right 1 it was about time I was here.
!he wallpaper was still the same, but CeeCee and /oss had totally
#hanged the liing room 1 there was a wides#reen !., a 8a-?-0oy
ne7t to the old spongy orange #ou#h, obs#ure-looking prints on the
walls and an indigo #arpet hiding the wooden floor from iew.
/oss and CeeCee didn't look like they'd been sleeping 1 their preppy
argyle sweaters and khakis were unrumpled, their hair in pla#e,
CeeCee had lipsti#k o, and the lights were on in the room> besides,
there was an open bottle of red wine and two #hampagne glasses on
the kit#hen table 1 whi#h was a relief. !hey also didn't look like "+3
students 1 ?a#h did, but they looked like they belonged at "+3.
"It's the middle of the night," I said. "*on't you guys sleep)"
"(e were talking," /oss informed me.
"8ook at you!" CeeCee ignored him, sinking into the #ou#h. "+ou're a
babe now!"
I glan#ed un#omfortably at ?a#h, whose mouth ;uirked upwards. "3m.
!hanks."
"9o%" CeeCee looked at ?a#h with aid interest> trust her to fo#us on
him. "How'd you two meet)"
I almost smiled. !here was no way in hell I was telling her that story.
"Can we spend the night here)" I tried to distra#t her.
"(ell, duh." 9he blinked. "0ut, 9um, what are you doing here) 'nd
what is all this stuff about rehab and aging twins) (hat's been going
on)"
9u##essfully distra#ted. "+ou really hae missed a lot." It was funny,
but I didn't feel so unhinged anymore. 9itting in this warm bright room
that looked like it belonged in a real room made me feel like snowy
8inbury was in another #ontinent.
"+ou don't say," CeeCee said sar#asti#ally.
"Hae you run away from home)" /oss asked graely.
"3m," I said, taken aba#k. ""o. "ot e7a#tly. I &ust needed to get away
and think."
"9o are you going to tell me what happened or what)" CeeCee
demanded.
I stifled a yawn. !he tiredness that had been hidden by adrenaline
was starting to take oer my body> my eyelids felt heay. "Can I make
it short)"
CeeCee sighed. "+ou know what, it #an wait." 9he gae ?a#h a
meaningful look. "'ll of it. +ou two get some sleep. +ou know where
your bedroom is, 9um."
6eeling an intense rush of gratitude, I flung my arms around CeeCee's
ne#k. "!hank you, CeeCee. It's wonderful of you to do this 1 and I'm
really sorry for intruding 1"
"*on't be ridi#ulous, stupid," CeeCee said #heerfully. "!his is &ust as
mu#h your pla#e as mine."
"I loe you," I said thi#kly.
"I loe you, too," CeeCee said, looking surprised.
""ot to destroy the pre#ious moment," ?a#h drawled, "but I'm not
e7a#tly going to fit on this #ou#h."
"-h!" CeeCee e7#laimed. I suddenly felt guilty about haing dragged
?a#h into all of this. "-h, right. I shouldn't put you two in the same
room, should I) (ould that be responsible) 9ummer, I hope you're
being responsible 1"
I felt my #heeks fire up in embarrassment. "(e're &ust friends!" I said
too loudly.
"-h." CeeCee blinked. "Really)"
"+es!" I almost shouted, going from grateful to murderous.
"-kay, then." CeeCee said, looking dissatisfied. "I guess you two
should &ust sleep in 9um's room, then. I mean, we sort of #onerted all
the other rooms into dens and libraries, so%"
"$ood night," I interrupted her, and disappeared down the familiar way
to my room before she #ould embarrass me any further.
My room was smaller than I remembered, and there was a #arpet on
the floor and a new bedspread, but otherwise it was &ust the same. I
pla#ed my hand on the s#uffed part of the wall that Hadley had ki#ked
in during a fight, and got down on my knees to make sure that my
initials 1 that Curtis had #ared in with his the first time he'd spent the
night 1 were still on the bed post.
I #losed my eyes, remembering. My first night with Curt on that bed
freshman year%wat#hing Molly /ingwald moies with /a#hel in
middle s#hool on the floor%hiding "eil under my bed during games of
hide-and-seek%the all-night relationship-disse#ting talks with s'mores
and Hadley and CeeCee%the first time Curtis had said he loed me%
"!his is kind of a tiny room, isn't it)" ?a#h #ommented.
I opened my eyes, grateful for the interruption. I didn't want him to see
me #ry, or fight for breath and start s#reaming, any more than he
already had. "+ou #ould'e stayed at the 4la2a if you wanted, you
know," I mumbled.
"*o you not want me here)" !he tiny pause of hesitation in ?a#h's
oi#e was astounding> I almost snapped my ne#k in two, I looked up
at him so fast.
"+ou #an't een imagine how mu#h it means to me that you're here," I
said in a rush.
"!hen why the bad mood)" ?a#h said, sitting down on my bed.
$od. (here were the sar#asti# remarks when I needed them) "I 1 I
guess I feel bad. +ou don't hae to be here. I basi#ally dragged you
into doing this for me and I #an't beliee you're a#tually doing this and
1 I 1"
"$od, &ust buy me fries tomorrow and stop stuttering like a moron."
?a#h rolled his eyes. "(hat else is it)"
I tou#hed the bedpost again. "I'm%remembering."
"(hat)" ?a#h asked bluntly.
I smirked at him. "9e7 with my e7. In that bed."
Instead of leaping off the bed like I'd e7pe#ted, ?a#h settled more
#omfortably into the pillows and stret#hed his legs out. His answering
smile brought an ine7pli#able blush to my fa#e. "!hat it)"
I went oer and sat down ne7t to him. "+es. "o. I #ouldn't een get
/a#hael and Curtis to be in the same room together. I 1 I 1 &ust don't
understand."
"Maybe they were haing an illi#it loe affair the whole time and they
were afraid their passionate glan#es a#ross the room would gie them
away if you saw them together," ?a#h suggested, straight-fa#ed. It
reminded me of "athan, &ust a little bit.
"!hanks," I muttered.
?a#h blew out a sigh. "+ou loved him, huh)"
".ery mu#h." My eyes pri#kled slightly. "Her, too. 'nd "eil."
?a#h looked away. "(ell, that's life."
I #urled my fingers around his arm. "Can't you eer &ust sympathi2e)"
?a#h gae me a tiny, #rooked smile. "I'm here, aren't I)"
+es. He was there, with me, and that was enough.
"9o are we done with the heart-to-heart)" ?a#h said. "0e#ause I #ould
use some sleep."
"9orry," I muttered.
?a#h rea#hed out and tou#hed my head. Maybe he was going for a
slap, but that was not what happened 1 his fingers brushed my head
gently, one at a time. I shiered.
"6ries tomorrow," he mumbled, his eyes drifting #losed.
Ignoring the little tingles running up and down my head, I burrowed
into the #oers and s;uee2ed my eyes shut. Considering how drowsy
I'd been a few minutes ago, I was sure I would fall asleep in se#onds.
I though of Curtis, allowing myself a few pre#ious se#onds to wallow in
my memories. I thought of the look on his pre-pubes#ent fa#e the first
time we'd kissed, his dark eyes wide open and apprehensie, his right
hand hoering oer my shoulder. I remembered the pink notebook
he'd gotten me for my thirteenth birthday, the sheepish smile on his
fa#e the day he forgot .alentine's *ay, the hot dog he bought me to
make up for it. I remembered listening to musi# in his #ar, his strong
hands kneading my shoulders, the smell of his t-shirts. I thought of
him and /a#hael, bi#kering about him needing me at his basketball
game the day she performed in &he utcracker at her ballet s#hool.
I thought of him outside on the road, tea#hing "eil to play basketball.
I waited for the tears to #ome, but they didn't. My eyes were so dry I
felt like #rying would be a relief and then maybe I #ould #ry myself out
and &ust sleep, not hae to think of #hoosing between 'nn and *ad
and what I would say to Curtis when I saw him 1
!he memories were #oming thi#ker and faster now, and I let them
wash oer me. I remembered the sweltering day at s#hool when Curt
and I had slipped into a broom #loset after third period. I let my mind
skim oer the details 1 Curtis's lips bruising mine, his hands under my
shirt, our legs tangled together, his #urly hair brushing my ne#k%
?a#h sighed in his sleep and turned oer, his breath hitting my ear, his
hip #oming into #onta#t with mine.
'bruptly, the image in my head shifted. It was suddenly ?a#h's fa#e in
my mind's eye, -ach's lips moing with mine, -ach's hands around my
waist%
I &erked away, my skin pra#ti#ally bursting into flames right then and
there, my body humming with warmth. I #ouldn't think of that one kiss
in 9nellwood. ?a#h was, after all, my best friend now. I shouldn't be
rea#ting so iolently to the memory of a make-out session with my
best friend.
I for#ed myself to look at ?a#h. His #hest rose and fell rhythmi#ally
with his een breaths, his hand lay lightly 1 searingly 1 on my
shoulder. I struggled with the sudden urge to rea#h out and tou#h it,
desperately trying to remember "athan's green eyes and laugh,
Curtis's giant smile.
It didn't work. !he images of ?a#h seemed seared into my retinas,
making my heart speed and my palms sweat.
!he dark was messing with my head.
I grabbed my pillow and slid onto the floor. 9ome good had to #ome
out of the awful new #arpet.
9leep finally #ame, een as my heart #ontinued to pound at a freneti#,
errati# pa#e.
It was past eleen when I awoke. !here was a fra#tion of a se#ond in
whi#h I took in the all-too-re#ogni2able white walls and ;ueen-si2ed
bed in the room and thought that I'd dreamed up the last si7 months.
!hen I reali2ed that I was on the floor and sat up, drawing my knees to
my #hest with a sigh.
It was gorgeously sunny outside. I #rossed oer to the window and
looked at the *airy 5ueen below. "eil used to loe it when Hadley
took her there 1 his faorite was always the #ho#olate-dipped anilla
#one with nuts. He'd liked getting sprinkles on it before a #lassmate
had deemed it a girly habit.
9uddenly staring, I headed for the door, #he#king to make sure that
?a#h was on the bed on the way.
It was empty. !he sharp bang of loneliness that stabbed my stoma#h
at the reali2ation was a#ute> so was the pani# about ?a#h's
whereabouts. He #ouldn't possibly be outside, #ould he)
I almost tumbled out of the room at the thought, stopping dead when I
rea#hed the liing room-kit#hen area. /oss and CeeCee were sitting
on the arm#hair, fa#ing ?a#h on the #ou#h. In the unforgiing light, my
thoughts of the night before seemed silly> of #ourse I didn't want ?a#h.
!hen I noti#ed the ob&e#t on his lap. 9omething that looked
suspi#iously like an open photo album. "CeeCee!" I shouted.
"9um!" CeeCee's fa#e lit up as she boun#ed off the #ou#h and ta#kled
me. "$ood morning, baby#akes!"
I kept my oi#e #alm as I said, "(hat are you guys doing)"
"8ooking at pi#tures of you #oered in Calamine lotion." ?a#h smirked,
making my stoma#h tighten for a nanose#ond before I #aught myself.
"Haing the #hi#ken po7 makes for the best pi#tures. +ou should make
sure /o7anne neer sees this."
0lushing to the roots of my hair, I mar#hed oer to him and snapped
the album shut, refusing to look at it or a#knowledge to myself how
bewildering it was to see -ach sitting with my sister looking at baby
pi#tures. "CeeCee," I almost whined.
"*on't worry, I already saw eerything interesting," ?a#h sni#kered.
"9he was #ute," CeeCee said reminis#ently. "9he got the #hi#ken po7
at her si7th birthday party 1 we had this pool party planned out with all
her little /ugrats friends, and then I found her hiding in my room. I was
all, go out there and en&oy yourself, honey, and she holds out her
spotted arm and says, 'I hae #an#er, CeeCee, I don't want to infe#t
/a#hael.'"
?a#h half-smiled. "!hat's 9ummer."
I blushed harder. !he truth was, my mother had died of #an#er when I
was three, and I'd neer wanted to hurt *ad by asking him for
e7planations, so I'd asked around and drawn my own #on#lusions
about the disease. "I'm so hungry," I murmured, desperate for a
sub&e#t #hange.
"8et's go to Chinatown!" CeeCee a#tually #lapped her hands. "'nd
then we #an go sightseeing the "ew +orker way. 8ike, 9ummer #an
show you her s#hool, ?a#h, instead of, like, Coney Island, and we
#ould maybe #at#h a 0roadway show 1"
I was about to protest that ?a#h didn't want to and that I should maybe
go home 1 een though I wasn't any #learer on any of my issues than
I had been on the train ride oer, &ust a smidgeon happier and #almer
1 when ?a#h smiled politely and said, "9ounds like a plan."
My faorite things to eat at Chinatown were :ung 4ao #hi#ken and
bean#urd Chinese bread, but after haing si7 helpings in a row I
#ouldn't imagine eer haing any more. I leaned ba#k in my seat and
unbuttoned the too-tight &eans CeeCee had lent me, looking around
the too-full too-noisy too-bright restaurant with a happy smile.
"I did not think you had that in you," CeeCee, who had dared me to
eat the last helping, said approingly. 9he un#lasped the pretty
tur;uoise shell bra#elet she'd bargain-bought at a nearby roadside
stall and shoed it a#ross the table. "!here. !he stakes."
I grinned and fastened the bra#elet to my wrist with sau#e-stained
fingers. CeeCee hadn't brought up our family or ?a#h yet, and I was
going with the flow> I didn't want to burden her with serious
#onersation when she'd been so ni#e about letting me stay in her
apartment. 0esides, I was haing too mu#h fun to think. "!oo bad you
underestimated me. 8et's dare ?a#h to do something."
"4lease." ?a#h rolled his eyes. "'re you saying there's something I
would hesitate to do)"
"+eah, you'd definitely hesitate before being ni#e to anyone." I looked
around at the #latter of utensils and nonstop #hatter of holidayers,
smirking as my ga2e fell on a skinny 'sian woman with almond-
shaped eyes sitting along and sipping water at the ne7t table. "$o tell
that woman that she looks like poetry in motion. 9ay it without being
sar#asti#. 'nd if she asks you out, you lose."
?a#h s#owled at me. I e7pe#ted him to ba#k out. 0ut he stood,
s#raping his #hair ba#k with his feet, and walked oer to the woman
with his eyes trained on me the entire time.
(ith mounting disbelief I wat#hed as he smiled 1 smiled 1 sweetly F
sweetly 1 at her and bend #loser to her ear. "Hi," I saw him mouth
when her startled eyes met his.
CeeCee giggled ;uietly.
"I was looking at you from that table%" ?a#h let out a loud sigh.
"+ou're beautiful."
!he woman blinked her eny-indu#ing eyes and said, da2edly, "!hank
you)"
"My friends think so, too." 9uddenly ?a#h was straightening and
shooting what looked like a diaboli#al grin at our table. His oi#e rose
a further few o#taes. "In fa#t, my girlfriend thinks you look like poetry
in motion."
I felt my &aw drop and #losed my mouth ;ui#kly as the now-blushing
woman looked at me. I offered her a weak smile and she smiled ba#k
brilliantly.
"9o%yeah. +our partner's lu#ky," ?a#h added sin#erely. He winked 1
winked 1 at her before strolling ba#k to our table and dropping down
into his #hair with a #o#ky smile.
I wasn't sure if it was the smile or the sho#k or the wink or 1 and I tried
to perish the thought 1 the word girl,riend in #onne#tion with me, but I
turned bright red for the umpteenth time that day.
"!hat was awesome!" CeeCee s;ueaked, as soon as the woman
headed out. "+ou totally made her day! 4i#k your pri2e."
"(ell%" ?a#h let it trail, allowing me to torture myself with ideas of his
possible demands in the meantime. "I'd like hot #ho#olate, I guess."
"-ooh," CeeCee s;uealed, "then we should go to the i#e-skating rink
at /o#kefeller Centre!"
/elieed beyond measure that that was all ?a#h wanted, I was the
one to say, "9ounds like a plan!"
'fter seeing the giant tree and sipping hot #ho#olate at /o#kefeller
Centre, we went to see the 0roadway ersion of )irty Rotten
Scoundrels. It was eight in the eening by the time we took the
subway ba#k to our apartment building. ?a#h and /oss went on a
#igarette run to the gro#ery store a #ouple of blo#ks away, and
CeeCee and I sat down on one of the ben#hes opposite the *airy
5ueen.
"9o)" CeeCee said before I'd een settled into my seat> she'd neer
been good with silen#e. "'re you going to tell me what's up with ?a#h
or what) 'nd don't gie me that 7ust ,riends #rap."
"9orry to disappoint you, but that is all we are." .iid memories of
make-out sessions notwithstanding. "*o you want to know what's
going on ba#k at 8inbury now)"
"+ou know I try my best to distan#e myself from that #ra2y shit."
CeeCee rubbed her hands together. "Come on, 9um, gie me
something &ui#y at least."
I felt something start to simmer at the bottom of my stoma#h. Caring
and prote#tie as CeeCee had been all day, grateful as I felt to her, I
#ouldn't help remembering the way she'd basi#ally flipped me off
when I'd asked for help with my #lassmates at !hornton. 'nd then
basi#ally stayed away without #alling or emailing for the ne7t si7
months. "(hat if I want to talk about that #ra2y shit)"
"+ou know I don't #are about the fam." CeeCee sighed, beginning to
look a little irritated. "+ou know I hate Hadley."
I #ould hae gone with her wishes, laughed eerything off, not made
this transition from fun day to serious #onersation. I had always
forgien CeeCee for not wanting to get inoled. "(hy did you let me
stay here if you don't #are)" I asked instead.
"I do #are about you, baby, but I won't martyr myself for you. I won't
help you take #are of other people be#ause that's not my business. -r
yours." 9he gae me an e7asperated look. "*on't you see that) !he
best I #an do is take #are of you when I can. I #an't go and fight with
*ad for you, and I don't want to know if that's what you did."
"I don't see why that means you neer #alling or emailing me," I
blurted out. (ait, that wasn't what I was mad about. I was mad that
she'd abandoned that the family. "ot that she'd abandoned me.
"I &ust thought%I &ust didn't%want to think about 8inbury. 't all,"
CeeCee said. 9he shook her head. "I'm here for you, 9ummer, but
only if you #ome looking for me. !hat's the differen#e between you
and me. I don't go looking to be there for people like you do, but I will
be there if they #ome to me."
I thought about that for a few minutes. *id I really need CeeCee to
help me deal with *ad, and 'nn, and Hadley and the twins) I had
Mi#hael for that. CeeCee had gien me refuge in my hour of need.
9he'd let a total stranger #rash in her apartment and treated him like
one of the family &ust be#ause he'd been with me. 9he had gien me a
pla#e of refuge, no ;uestions asked. I #ould work with that. "I see," I
said slowly.
CeeCee took my hand. "!hink about it, okay) 4lease don't be too
mad."
I s;uee2ed her hand. "I'm not. I think%it's okay. !hat you don't want to
know, I mean. 's long as you're still a part of my life. I need you there
sometimes."
"I will always be a part of my life," CeeCee said, her bright eyes
solemn. 9he wrapped her arm around my shoulders. "I'm glad you
#ame. +ou'e #hanged%you're not as resered as you used to be and
you're so mu#h fun."
"Meaning I was a total bore before, huh)" I grinned at her.
""o, meaning that you used to intimidate me." CeeCee laughed.
I let that slide. "+ou'll #all and email after I go ba#k, right)"
CeeCee smiled. "-nly if you do it first."
'nd maybe that was okay, too.
"9o." CeeCee &abbed me in the ribs. "+ou and ?a#h)"
"$od, you hae a one-tra#k mind." I rolled my eyes at her. "8et me say
this for the last time. ?a#h is my best friend. !here's a#tually another
guy who%"
CeeCee s;uealed. "+ou hae a 8inbury boyfriend!"
"He isn't e7a#tly my boyfriend." I felt myself flush slightly. "0ut I think
he will be. He's in Italy right now, but when he #omes ba#k, we're
going on our first date and%yeah. I guess we'll see."
"+ou hae a rich 8inbury boyfriend!" CeeCee grabbed my hand again.
Her fa#e glowed with interest. "!ell me more!"
"(ell," I began, be#ause telling her this story would be a lot less
#ompli#ated than telling her about ?a#h or Curtis, "his name is
"athan%"
*inner #onsisted of #hili-#heese-dogs and i#e-#ream sundaes from
the *5. CeeCee whispered animatedly with /oss and ?a#h silently
shared bites of his banana sundae with all three of us. 8ooking around
at the groups of people #oming in and out of the *5, I wondered idly
where the woman I always used to see sitting there was. It was #old,
but I felt warmer than I had all year.
"(e're going to go ba#k up now," CeeCee said when she'd polished
off her strawberry slurpie. "+ou guys want to #ome) (e'll start a fire
and wat#h #orny holiday moies. It's too bad we don't hae a tree%"
"*on't worry, I'e already had a proper Christmas #elebration. +ou'e
done more than enough already." I was nowhere #lose to #lear on
what I was going to do when I got ba#k home 1 stay with 'nn) Moe
out with *ad) 'pply to boarding s#hool) What) 1 but I felt somewhat
#lose to being whole. I was pretty sure I didn't een need to talk to
Curtis anymore 1 we #ould &ust lie our separate lies from now. I
would get oer him. "'nd I think I'll stay here for a while. +ou guys get
out of the #old, though."
"I'll stay, too," ?a#h de#ided.
"+ou don't hae to," I told him.
"$et oer yourself. I &ust feel like some more fresh air."
I rolled my eyes. "+our pneumoni# funeral."
"-h-kay!" CeeCee grabbed /oss's arm. "(e'll be upstairs if you two
de#ide you need help to stop killing ea#h other."
I stu#k out my tongue at her. 9he #rossed her eyes ba#k and
disappeared into the brownstone building.
!he building was on one of the ;uieter, more tree-lined blo#ks in the
#ity, with a few e7#lusie bouti;ues selling thousand-dollar dresses
s#attered around and a 6ren#h restaurant shoed into the #orner. I
didn't know any of my neighbours, but I used to be on a first-name
basis with the girl who'd worked the *5 #ounter. -ur street got some
traffi# on weekends be#ause of the restaurant and the *5.
"!his is where you'e lied your entire life, huh)" ?a#h said #asually.
I wat#hed two pale teenage boys holding hands and wearing suits
walk to the reoling door of the 6ren#h restaurant. "3h-huh."
"In 8inbury the only things to do in winter are eat, shop, go to the #lub
or wat#h a moie," ?a#h said #hattily. "It's why eeryone goes away
during 0reak."
"It's pretty mu#h the same here 1 there's &ust a lot more pla#es to eat,
shop, and wat#h stuff." It felt like a strangely normal #onersation to
be haing with ?a#h. "I neer asked you 1 how was !hailand)"
"9unny." ?a#h pulled a fa#e. "My mom did pretty mu#h the same thing
there that she does here, shop at Chanel and get massages. My *ad
inestigated business opportunities, by whi#h I mean he #he#ked out
renowned brothels. I think !alia wat#hed way too mu#h *isney
Channel."
I felt awful for him. "(hat did you do)" I asked awkwardly.
"I surfed and got laid, what do you think)" ?a#h gae me a sar#asti#
look.
"(hy do you always hae to be so #hallenging)" I felt a twinge of
annoyan#e.
"'m I) I thought I was doing a good &ob at inane small talk."
""ot eerything one of us says has to be sar#asti# or 4ulit2er-worthy,"
I said, glaring at him.
?a#h sighed. "6ine. +ou want to know what I did) I read a lot of books,
ate a lot of !hai food, and went sightseeing with the lo#al re#eptionist
at our hotel."
"+ou #ould'e &ust said so the first time." (as sightseeing an
euphemism for se7) (as the re#eptionist een female) (as she
gorgeous in that e7oti#, protruding-#heekbones way)
"I also," ?a#h went on as if I hadn't spoken, "pi#ked up a lot of the
language, sin#e the re#eptionist didn't speak ,nglish ery well. His
mom gae me a book of !hai poems. I'll show you sometime."
"His mom got you a book of poems)"
"+eah, I inited him and his family up to my suite for Christmas dinner
and they said it was #ustomary to bring gifts."
"Cool," I said, impressed and a little relieed. "'#tually, that's an
understatement. +ou #an be ni#e when you want to, it seems."
"It's hard not to be when you #an't #urse in a language they'd
understand," ?a#h ;uipped.
"+ou seem to get along with my sister and /oss, too."
"!hey're not as annoying as I e7pe#ted from knowing you." ?a#h
tapped my head with his knu#kles.
"Ha ha." Maybe "i#e ?a#h was the guy he'd been before *enise, the
guy he still was o##asionally. "ot #harming and sweet like "athan or
kind like Chris, but a #hameleon. 'daptie. 4olite. "ot that hard to get
along with.
"How was your Christmas)" ?a#h asked.
I shrugged non-#ommittaly. "-h, you know."
"9ummer." ?a#h raised an eyebrow. "I already know that you had a
good time with "athan, and that Hadley's in rehab and your *ad
wants to get rid of your stepmother and your e7 wants your best
friend. I do listen to you rambling on like a moron sometimes."
I gaped at him.
"9o are you going to talk about it, or do I get spared this #onersation
and pretend like it's oer)"
I li#ked my lips. I didn't know where to start. ""athan's family is really
ni#e," I tried.
?a#h's fa#e didn't darken. "-pposite of mine. *id Charl try to make a
sandwi#h the e7a#t si2e of your #hest yet)"
"3h, no." (hat) 9ometimes it was a little hard to stoma#h how mu#h
?a#h and "athan knew about ea#h other's lies. "9he did #omment on
my hotness range, though. (hateer that is."
?a#h looked away. "9o is "athan, like, your guy now)"
"I don't know," I admitted. ' girl with a high brown ponytail ra#ed
through the sidewalk, nodding her head in time to whateer musi# was
#oming out of her i4od shuffle. "Maybe."
?a#h snorted. "$ood lu#k with that."
"9hall I take that as ta#it #onsent)" I pushed my lu#k a little.
"Maybe if I had a mi7ture of Coke and ,#sta#y in me," ?a#h said
s#athingly. "0ut sin#e I'm in my right mind, I'm &ust not arguing
be#ause I know it'd be wasted on you."
I sighed. "6ine. 6orget it. *o you think I should lie with my *ad or
'nn) (hen they get dior#ed, I mean."
"0ike you'd take my adi#e."
"I'd like a suggestion." ' guy with a neon-green Mohawk walked by,
#he#king me out sideways.
"$od, I don't know, hold a #ompetition to see who wants you more."
?a#h groaned. "+ou really want parent adi#e from me) I'd run away
and &oin the #ir#us if I were in your situation."
""o, you wouldn't, you'd miss your sound system too mu#h. /i#h boy."
' thin woman in an e7pensie-looking suit and heels that #li#ked
#ommandingly on the #ement rounded the #orner, an adan#ed-
looking #ell phone pressed to her eat. 9he paused under a streetlamp
to #he#k the phone. "+ou're so full 1"
!he light from the streetlamp fell on the woman's fa#e. I let out a loud
gasp as her sharp features registered in my mind, my palm &umping
upwards to #lut#h at ?a#h's elbow.
"I'm what)" ?a#h asked irritably.
"It's her!" I motioned wildly at the blond woman.
"(ho, the star of your se#ret lesbian fantasies)" ?a#h pulled his arm
away.
""o!" I #ouldn't stop staring at the woman. Her e7pertly made-up fa#e,
her liely eyes%so different from the last time I'd seen her. Her walk
as she entered the *5 and smiled at the fre#kly boy behind the
#ounter% "9he's the *5 woman!"
"!he%" ?a#h blinked. "-h."
"!he one who used to &ust sit there." !here was a lump in my throat.
(hat had happened to her) (hy #ouldn't the same thing hae
happened to my family) "!he%blank one."
"9he doesn't look ery%blank," ?a#h said, well, blankly.
"!hat's my point," I said, &ittery. "How%how did this happen) 9he
looks normal."
' foreboding gleam lit up his eyes. "8et's go talk to her."



85. ?uilt!
"(e #an't &ust talk to her," I half-gasped.
"(hy the hell not)" ?a#h was already on his feet, fa#e full of
determination I knew well.
"0e#ause!" I threw up my hands in despair. "-ne #an't &ust go up to
total strangers and ask them personal ;uestions 1"
"+ou think far too mu#h." ?a#h gae me a spe#ulatie glan#e. I
thought he was going to sit ba#k down> I rela7ed. He made a sudden
lunge at me and for a split se#ond, my breath #aught in my throat.
0efore I #ould re#oer, he'd hauled me to my feet and was dragging
me a#ross the street.
"?a 1" I bit my tongue, stopping abruptly as *5 (oman e7ited the *5
with a #offee holder in one hand and almost #ollided with the insane
boy #lut#hing my arm.
"-h, hello there," she said with a little laugh, stepping sideways with
agility.
"Hi," ?a#h said.
9he smiled at him and started to turn away. I thanked my stars, but
?a#h wasn't done. ",7#use me!" he said loudly.
"+es)" !he woman turned ba#k around, e7pressie eyes #urious.
Could she really be the same person) 9he looked at me, and reali2ing
that I was staring, I aerted my eyes in embarrassment.
"3h," I said ;ui#kly, grabbing ?a#h's arm. "I'm sorry. (e were &ust 1"
"(ondering what happened to you," ?a#h finished firmly.
My fa#e burst into flames. I was blushing more in one day than I had
in my entire life. I was too embarrassed to een think of a way to
es#ape the situation.
"I beg your pardon)" *5 (oman's fa#e was unsurprisingly #onfused.
"(ell, we used to lie in the apartment opposite this thing, and we
would basi#ally sit here and do nothing for, like, a really long time, and
you looked really sad, so we were wondering what happened to make
you #hange that and get yourself a life."
-h, my $od. I #ould pra#ti#ally feel myself melting into a gooey mush
of mortifi#ation right there on the sidewalk. My fa#e felt boiling hot and
I #ouldn't bring myself to look at *5 (oman. I wanted to ki#k ?a#h.
0ut I also really wanted to laugh. "o. 3iss ?a#h and then laugh. !he
sudden urge made my thoughts stop in their tra#ks. 3iss 1
"+ou're the girl whose brother died last summer."
I felt my ne#k #ri#k in protest as I whipped my head up to look at *5
(oman. 9he looked ba#k with #on#erned re#ognition> I ga2ed at her
in ama2ement.
"-h, dear. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to blurt it out like that." !he
woman's mani#ured hands &umped to her lipsti#ked mouth.
"How 1 how do you know)" I for#ed out through par#hed lips.
!he woman's eyes were kind. "My daughter passed away in a #ar
a##ident three and a half years ago. I went to eery funeral and
memorial seri#e in the neighbourhood for the past three years." 9he
smiled slightly. "(hen I wasn't sitting here, that is. !his was her
faorite pla#e."
I felt horrified. !his woman had lost a #hild and here I was, being
insensitie and in;uisitie. How would I feel if someone a#ted like that
with 'nn) "I 1 I don't know what to say. I'm going to throw myself off a
#liff now 1" I win#ed. "I mean, I'm &ust, uh, going to 1"
9he rea#hed out and tou#hed my hand on top of ?a#h's immobile arm.
I suddenly reali2ed how still he was standing. "+our brother was
buried in California, wasn't he) !here was a memorial seri#e here.
+ou were the only one there."
I #ouldn't help staring at her, drinking in how put-together she was. It
gae me hope for my own 'nn. "+ou hae a good memory," I said
shakily.
9he laughed, a warm ri#h laugh free of grief. "I #an't remember what I
did or saw for the last three years, but I remember eeryone who lost
somebody." 9he sureyed me with both empathy and sympathy in her
eyes. "*o you want to get a #up of #offee and talk)"
"/eally)" I felt tears well up in my eyes at her kindness.
"9ure."
"!hat would be ama2ing." I smiled waterily at her, then looked up at
?a#h.
9he looked at him, too, and then smiled at me. "I'll be inside," she
said, ba#king away.
"I'm not sure whether to kill you or thank you from the bottom of my
heart," I said to my blunt, outrageous, #ra2y best friend.
"-h, please, you know you owe me, Miss Manners." He gae me a
little push towards the *5. "$o before she reali2es what a sap you
are."
"+ou're not #oming)" I suddenly felt ulnerable.
"*on't you want to do this on your own)" ?a#h smirked. "I seem to
remember a time when you would rather die than let me see the
inside of your 1 admittedly butt-ugly 1 house."
I rea#hed up and took his hand. (hat barriers were there between us
now) "4lease)"
?a#h looked down at me with a half-e7asperated, half-blank
e7pression. "=ust try not to flood the &oint," he said, #urling his fingers
around mine. His hand, I noti#ed, was a good fit around mine.
!he thought made my stoma#h #len#h.
*5 (oman's name, it turned out, was "i#ole. "My daughter loed
"i#ole 9her2inger, inappropriate a mother as that makes me seem,"
she'd said after I'd introdu#ed myself and ?a#h. "9he on#e asked me if
all "i#oles #ould ki#k butt on the dan#e floor. I didn't hae the heart to
tell her that I'd been ki#ked out of my #oming-out party for stepping on
my partner's toes."
I replayed tidbits of our #onersation in my head later, as I splayed out
against CeeCee on the #ou#h wat#hing her faorite show $ossip $irl,
as I helped /oss make /i#e :rispie treats for a midnight sna#k in the
kit#hen, as ?a#h and I wandered down to the 9een-,leen a #ouple
of streets away to get marshmallows to add to our one-in-the-morning
hot #ho#olate.
I had found myself talking to "i#ole in a way I neer talked to anyone.
I'd told her about "eil 1 the ne#kla#e he'd made with #arrots and
beans for Hadley in pre-s#hool, the way he'd s#reamed bloody murder
when a #lassmate had kissed him on the #heek and asked him to
marry her, the absorbed way in whi#h he'd studied the #lass rabbit for
hours when he'd brought it home for the weekend. I'd felt myself
griee for my little brother as I'd tried to make her understand the
absolute delight he'd been in a way I'd neer mourned him before.
In return she'd told me about her bright-eyed beloed stranger, the
twele-year-old girl with shining blond hair and #urious blue eyes who
#ame alie to me through her mother's stories. I knew her more
intimately than I knew my own sisters> her fear of spiders and
superheroes, her obsession with 6red and $eorge (easley, the day
she'd fought with her mother to buy her first real lipsti#k, the fa#t that
her &ournal had been painted orange, the way she liked to lo#k herself
in her room and dan#e for hours before she went out with her friends
so she would be psy#hed up to be interesting. I knew how she'd died.
"9he was popular at s#hool," "i#ole had said, her oi#e not deta#hed
or pained but grateful. "9he was inordinately proud of being the
se#ond prettiest girl in her grade."
I had told her eerything, and as I'd talked, I'd thought about 'nn and
her bewilderment at her son's loss. (ould she eer laugh about "eil's
little ;uirks the way "i#ole did about !ara's) (ould she eer look as
pea#eful)
",ery person rea#ts differently to this kind of thing, 9ummer," "i#ole
had said. "+ou, for instan#e%"
""eil was her son." I had shaken my head ehemently. "+ou know it's
harder for her."
"+es, I do know that it's hell," "i#ole had sighed. "It still is%sometimes
I go to her room and &ust sit there, looking at the emptiness of it all and
wanting to die myself. I &ust #ant imagine that she's not suddenly going
to pop out of her bathroom with far too mu#h makeup on and yell at
me for sitting on her bed without permission. 0ut that's still a
graduation from the days when I #ouldn't go into her room at all, and
from the days I sat around in my bed trying to stop thinking."
"'nd now you're here." I'd gestured to her tailored suit and highlighted
hair. "How did that happen)"
""ot oernight." 9he'd smiled gently. "9ummer, to be honest I'm neer
going to get oer this, not fully. It will always hurt in ways een you #an
hopefully neer understand. 0ut it's a little like learning to walk%one
day I took a shower, the ne7t week I didn't attend any funerals, the
ne7t month I went to work. 9i7 weeks later I slept with my husband. '
year later I went out to dinner and en&oyed it. 'nd there #ame a day
when I #ould see a teenage or blond girl on the street without haing
to #url up in a hole and refuse to moe for hours. +our mother's doing
far better than I did."
!hat was be#ause, in a sense, Hadley had been "eil's mother. 'nn's
true loss was my *ad. "'nd your husband)" Had he taken it the way
6rank had) Had he ignored her and buried his grief and a#ted like a
human robot and basi#ally a#ted like a selfish asshole)
"-h, he%he took it harder than me in some respe#ts, but he was like
my ro#k. He got me to stop blaming myself, he gae me spa#e%" I'd
seen the way her fingers had tightened around themseles. "He was
so inested in saing at least our marriage from destru#tion that he
healed faster than I had."
I'd stared at her, fas#inated and a little &ealous despite myself. I'd
imagined a tall, broad-shouldered man with dark hair and lines around
his fa#e and intense, guarded eyes #radling her in his arms, letting her
#ry, talking about their daughter. ' better man than my father. "How
did that make you feel)"
"'ngry, at first, that he didn't rea#t e7a#tly the way I did. 'nd then
intensely, passionately grateful. +ou see," she'd said simply, "he's my
eerything now."
?a#h had shifted beside me. I'd felt intensely &ealous then, on behalf of
my stepmother, and intensely guilty for the &ealousy.
"It's different for you," "i#ole had said, reading my mind. "+our family
is mu#h bigger and there are under#urrents of so mu#h more there.
+ou #an't &udge your father or your sister based on how my husband
had a#ted."
"I know." 9he was so kind, talking to me about her personal thoughts
as though she didn't hae a #hoi#e. "0ut I think I might hate them a
little anyway."
"*on't," "i#ole had said softly. "+ou don't know what they're going
through. &alk to them 1"
"4lease," ?a#h had inter&e#ted hotly and angrily, "do you think she
hasn't tried)"
"i#ole had looked down at the ground. "9he probably has, more than
they're worth. 0ut that doesn't #hange the fa#t that they need time.
+ou don't know what they're thinking, how mu#h they're blaming
themseles 1"
"!hey won't gie anyone a #han#e," I'd said, my oi#e tiny.
"!hey probably #an't." "i#ole had put her hands on my shoulders,
studying my fa#e intently. "'nd you know what, sweetheart) !here's
only so mu#h you #an do. 3ltimately, their saing is up to them, and
yours is up to you."
I'd blinked at her. "9o I should &ust gie up on them)" I hadn't reali2ed
before how liberating the idea was to me 1 or how burdening, loaded
as it was with guilt.
"-f #ourse not. 0ut you should stop letting them #ontrol you. +ou hae
your life to lie, too, and it's yours. +ou will be there for them as mu#h
as you #an and they allow. +ou already hae. 0ut you hae to reali2e
that there is a limit to what you #an do. It's depressing but it's true. 't
some point, your life is yours, all yours, and there are plenty of people
who will help you #herish and en&oy it." 9he'd looked meaningfully at
?a#h.
I didn't know when I'd started #rying, the tears hot and wet and
#atharti# on my fa#e. I'd felt myself rea#h for "i#ole, pull her into a full-
bodied hug. "I'm sorry," I'd gasped. "I'm so sorry for you."
"0e sorry for your family, too," "i#ole had whispered, returning the hug
fier#ely. "'nd then go out and bungee-&ump if you want to, no matter
what they think of that."
I thought about it as ?a#h and I strolled down the streets ba#k to the
apartment. 0i,e is short, she'd said so many times. .eneric, but so
much truer now.
#t helps to ,ace things head on/ &o be honest/
"5uiet mu#h)" ?a#h said, his arm hoering oer my shoulders before
he settled one palm on my head.
"I was thinking about "i#ole," I told him, leaning into the hand. "It's
funny, isn't it, that I know all this%personal stuff about her and yet I
don't know what she does for a liing."
"It was like a sorority in there," ?a#h snorted. "8ose a family member,
get a membership in the not-so-e7#lusie 6ree-I#e-Cream-'nd-Hugs-
6rom-9trangers-Club. "o appli#ations or initiation tasks ne#essary."
""ot funny." I pulled my head away.
""ot intended to be," ?a#h said, unperturbed. He rested his elbow on
my head instead. "9o what are you going to do)"
Whatever you decide, "i#ole had said, it's about Y2D.
"I don't know." I rubbed my eyes. "?a#h, what's your faorite #olor)"
He blinked. "0rown," he said suspi#iously.
Huh. I'd thought he'd say bla#k. "6aorite thing to eat)"
?a#h frowned. "Ma#aroni and #heese and marshmallows afterwards.
(hy the interrogation)"
"+ou know eerything about me," I said for#efully. ",erything."
"'nd you want me to return the faor)" ?a#h raised his eyebrows.
I thought of his ta#iturn father and his oereager mother, his longing to
be free of their shadow, his attention-demanding sister. !hen I thought
of all the other things I had no idea about 1 his years as /o7anne's
best friend, the first book he'd eer read.
0ut that, I de#ided, was okay. I didn't need to hae been ?a#h's friend
foreer to loe him now. (hat mattered was who he was at the
moment 1 my best friend, who was rude and diffi#ult but who had
a##ompanied me to "ew +ork without a single ;uestion and been by
my side no matter what I wanted to do.
I had time to find out who he'd been before.
I de#ided to stay in "ew +ork for one e7tra day. "ot to stay away from
8inbury, but be#ause it felt imperatie to talk to Curtis now that I was
#raing #losure. (hen I went ba#k to 8inbury I would make a fresh
start.
(hen I went ba#k home. I loed "ew +ork, but I loed ?a#h and
Mi#hael and the twins and 'nn more.
"(e're off to bed," CeeCee said, pushing off the #ou#h with her feet
and pressing a hand to her mouth to #oer a yawn. /oss took her
e7tended hand and stood, too. It made me smile to see them so in-
tune with ea#h other. 9he gae me a ;ui#k one-armed hug and patted
?a#h on the shoulder. "$'nite, #ra2y kids."
I wat#hed half-wistfully as the two of them retreated to their bedrooms.
9he giggled softly as /oss bent to whisper in her ear and then #urled
one hand in his hair, stamping a kiss on his mouth. 9eeing the slight
4*' didn't disgust me> it made feel happy and &ust a little bit lonely.
?a#h nudged me with his shoulder. "'ll this ;uiet and affe#tion is
making me uneasy."
"-h, shut up," I said, leaning into him for the umpteenth time that day.
9in#e when had we gotten so tou#hy-feely) "'t least you #an hear
stuff outside. (hat do you do when nobody talks in 8inbury)"
"I listen to my C*s. "one of whi#h, let me point out, I hae here."
"'re you sure you're okay with being here an e7tra day)" I asked
guiltily.
""o, kid, let's go ba#k to 8inbury right now." ?a#h rolled his eyes. "I'm
sleepy."
""ow a bed I #an proide for you," I said, #heering up. I #ould imagine
a life here, I reali2ed as I detoured to the bathroom to brush my teeth.
Me and ?a#h and /oss and CeeCee in this apartment. ,ating
fattening food eery hour, wandering around the #ity, going to
bookstores, taking #lasses at "+3 or Columbia. 0ut then I would
neer get to kiss "athan or hae him #up my #heek in that self-
assured way of his%
"athan. I hadn't thought about him in a while. I paused, #ontemplating
this.
"Is it like a girl thing to spend too mu#h time in the bathroom)" ?a#h
asked mo#k-#uriously from the other side of the door.
I spat into the sink, washed my fa#e hurriedly, and moed outside.
"(ow, you #ame out this side of the #entury," ?a#h said sar#asti#ally.
"+ou talk too mu#h," I said mildly, sitting down on my bed.
"(ell, you think too mu#h," ?a#h #ountered, disappearing into the
bathroom. "+ou going to fall off the bed again tonight or what)" his
oi#e floated out of it.
"(hat)" I wrinkled my nose at the #losed door.
"(ell, you were on the floor when I woke up this morning." ?a#h
reappeared a minute later, a de#idedly mis#hieous glint in his eyes.
I felt myself flush 1 again 1 and dropped my eyes to the floor,
wondering what he would hae said if he'd known e7a#tly why I'd slept
on the ground last night. !he thought made me angry 1 I #ouldn't
possibly let my thoughts go in that dire#tion. I sprawled into my pillows
#hallengingly, frowning at him. "I #an't help it if you're s;uirmy in 1
when you sleep."
"(asn't my idea to #ome to "ew +ork, remember)" ?a#h said,
spreading his long lean body out beside me.
I poked his arm. "9top holding that oer my head."
"*on't want to." He shifted slightly, his shoulder #oming into #onta#t
with my ne#k.
I su#ked in my breath as goosebumps erupted all oer my skin. (hat
the hell did the dark do to me when ?a#h was around) I didn't like it
one bit.
"*on't s;uirm tonight," I for#ed out through suddenly dry lips.
"-r what)"
"-r I'll push you off." I #urled my fingers around the edges of my shirt.
"!his is my bed, after all."
"=esus, your Highness, I'm deeply sorry for for#ing your deli#ate ba#k
to suffer the hard wooden floor for seen neerending hours." ?a#h
s#owled at me. I felt him moe away and fought the rising pani# 1 was
he offended enough to leae) 'nd then he was settling in #loser,
draping an arm loosely around my shoulders, se#uring me to the bed,
apparently unaware of the heart atta#k this was about to indu#e in me.
"-kay. "ow you hae a seenty per#ent #han#e of maybe not rolling
off."
"How generous of you," I managed to say, my pulse rate gathering
speed like an -lympi#s marathon runner.
?a#h's eyes, howeer, had #losed already. His breath stirred my hair
gently, his fa#e looked deastatingly pea#eful. I felt as if wild animals
had been let loose in my stoma#h.
!his was wrong. I couldn't be feeling this way. I'd only felt this way with
"athan before, and that was the point 1 I was as good as going out
with the green-eyed boy of eery girl's dreams already. I was not
allowed to feel weak-kneed and mush-headed around another boy.
8east of all someone I #ared about as mu#h as I #ared about "athan's
former best friend and my #urrent one. I'd neer had this 1 this thing 1
with ?a#h before, had I) 9ure, there had been the o##asional funny
feeling in my stoma#h when he'd smiled and the time he'd hugged me,
but that was to be e7pe#ted from dealing with someone so good-
looking.
I s#rewed my eyes shut and held my body stiff as a rod, determined to
maintain the posture until the ne7t morning if I had to.
!he train to Curtis's grandmother's brownstone in 5ueens where he
always spent his holidays was almost empty at nine in the morning. I
kept ?a#h's too-big &a#ket wrapped tightly around my shoulders as
darkness flashed by outside the window, sifting through the few songs
on his #ell that I was too &ittery to sit through. His taste in musi# was
poles apart from mine and "athan's> I wasn't sure I een wanted to
#all the pounding in my ears music.
I didn't stop listening to it, though. I'd gotten so used to haing ?a#h
with me all the time that I'd felt strangely afraid pasting a note on the
!. and tiptoeing out of the apartment on my own. I almost wished I'd
brought him along, een though I hated myself for suddenly being so
needy.
0ut I knew that this was one thing I had to do on my own.
I drank a #up of #offee outside the house, trying to ki#kstart my tired
and terrified neres into a#tion. It was ;uiet there, like 8inbury was. I
for#ed myself to take the few steps forward and kno#k on the freshly-
painted white door.
"(ell, damn my eyes to hell if it isn't 1" !he plump dark-skinned
woman in the bright green #ardigan I'd gien her two Christmases ago
stopped talking the minute the door swung all the way open and her
brown eyes landed on me. "Summer Ward)"
"Hey, $randmama," I said through the lump in my throat.
Curtis's grandma's beringed hands shot forward and tou#hed my
#heek, my hair, my shoulders, ?a#h's &a#ket. "Holy #ow, it is her!" she
shouted, dragging me by my sleee oer the threshold and into her
plump arms.
I blinked into her familiar donut-shop smell, eyes filling rapidly. "9orry I
didn't #all first," I said.
"-h, honey, at least there's one thing about you that hasn't #hanged."
$randmama laughed as she thrust me in front of her and inspe#ted
me minutely. "Is that a thing to apologi2e for) +ou should apologi2e for
not showing that gorgeous fa#e here sooner!"
"I'm sorry for that, too," I said, feeling unbelieably #hoked.
"+ou #ome in here and sit down." I &ust had time to register that the
4epto-0ismol-pink wallpaper in the hall hadn't #hanged before she
was shoing me into the warm yellow kit#hen with the stained brown
table and the drawings-#oered green free2er and the old, old often-
s#rubbed tiles. It smelled like #up#akes and thyme and warmth. "How
are you, honey)"
"I'm not sure," I said honestly. I wanted to see Curtis, but I also wanted
to sit here and look at $randmama's beautiful fa#e until I keeled oer
and died. "It smells like home in here."
"I take it that fan#y-ass town doesn't)" $randmama snorted.
""o, it's more designer perfume and Hadley's beer in there," I said,
laughing a little.
"-h, baby." $randmama's eyes showed no pity, &ust #ompassion. I
remembered that she'd lost her husband in the .ietnam (ar and I
remembered "i#ole saying ,or every thirteen that doesn't understand
there will be one who does and I remembered playing footsie with
Curtis under this table while his grandmother hummed to herself
outside. "!hat little boy was the%I'm not surprised things fell apart
after he went to a better pla#e."
"+ou don't know the half of it," I said, twisting my hands in my lap. "0ut
we don't hae to talk about it."
"Honey, I want to know." $randmama pla#ed her hands on top of my
head. "'nything you tell me."
"(ell, I'll make it short then. Hadley's in rehab. 'nn and *ad are going
to split up. 'nd I think I'm going to lie with 'nn when they do." I knew,
as soon as the words left my lips, that that was what I'd wanted all
along. !hat was what I'd fight for.
"-h, my." $randmama e7haled. "Honestly, honey, it seems like the
worst of it might be behind y'all."
I let out a surprised laugh. "I'e missed you, $randmama."
"'nd I'e missed you, #hild. It's been funny here without you dropping
in on weekends with that serious little fa#e of yours and asking me
about my book #lub like there's someone in the world who gies a
damn. My grandson is the biggest damn fool this side of the
Mississippi."
It was easy to sit there and pretend that the last si7 months hadn't
happened, that her grandson wasn't doing my on#e-upon-a-time best
friend, that "eil and Hadley were sleeping soundly in her room, that
any moment now Curtis was going to burst into the room and #rush
me to his basketball-toned #hest and ask me whether I wanted to
wat#h moies or play ideo games.
"Honey, far be it from me to #riti#i2e 8inbury's #utting-edge fashion
#hoi#es, but isn't that &a#ket a little too big for a tiny little thing like
you)" $randmama was peering at my arms.
I looked down at ?a#h's &a#ket, suddenly saagely glad that the last
si7 months had happened. "It's not mine, e7a#tly."
"$randmama, I need to 1" !he tall, well-built boy I'd on#e been sure of
sharing this house at age seenty with padded into the kit#hen
rubbing his eyes and almost stumbled ba#kwards as he #aught side of
me. He blinked twi#e, shut his open mouth, and then let it hang open
again, his #ho#olate-brown eyes impossibly wide as they lo#ked on
mine.
I had e7pe#ted a lot of things from the first time I saw Curtis again
after what seemed like three lifetimes. I'd e7pe#ted my skin to burst
into fire, my insides to start doing the tango, my heart to start beating
like it had nanose#onds left to lie 1 all the #li#h@s. 0ut it didn't. !hey
didn't. I had to #lut#h the table and wait for the feeling of faintness to
pass, but I had the feeling that I'd oerprepared myself for that.
"9ummer." I felt rather than saw the often-repeated whisper shaped
like my name es#ape Curtis's full, familiar lips. (hat I didn't know
about those lips wouldn't fill a 2it-si2ed pie#e of paper.
He looked taller, a little more massie and a lot more mus#ular. His
#rew #ut had grown into a mess of brown #urls that #oered his sti#ky-
outy ears. He wore a soft-looking pearl-#olored !-shirt that I'd neer
seen before and a pair of orange-and-yellow polka-dotted bo7ers that
I'd gien him a million years ago. He looked good.
I wat#hed, fro2en, as he took two steps forward and let his arms settle
tentatiely around me. His body felt unfamiliar and that made me feel
pani#ky. My heart swelled with hope 1 maybe I'd imagined that phone
#onersation when I'd told him to fu#k off be#ause he ,ucking loved
Rachael.
He pulled away. I imagined a &a#khammer slam my heart ba#k into the
si2e it was supposed to be.
"Merry Christmas," he said un#ertainly, his eyes settling into a hopeful
e7pression. Curtis #ould neer do negatie emotions for long.
I didn't know what I would hae done at that moment. 4ossibly leaped
ba#k into his arms and pushed my tongue into his mouth and begged
him to tell me that all that /a#hael #rap had &ust been a ploy to make
me #ome ba#k home 1 not ne#essarily be#ause that was what I
wanted but be#ause in the #haoti# mess my mind was, that felt like an
emotion that made sense. 0ut I would neer find out what I might
hae done, be#ause &ust as I opened my mouth, /a#hael stepped into
the room.
'fter all those months of /o7anne and ,e and the impe##ably-
groomed girls at s#hool, it was something of a relief that I still found
/a#hael stunning. Her hair sprawled messily almost to her knees> her
#aramel skin sparkled> her amber eyes and high #heekbones and
dan#er's poise as dis#on#erting as eer. Curtis's sweatshirt hung
loose on her shoulders and hips, showing me e7a#tly what I'd left him
with.
Inoluntarily, I drew ?a#h's &a#ket #loser to my none-too-poeti# frame.
/a#hael spotted me and almost skidded to a stop, her &aw hitting the
floor. "Summer)"
"(ell," I said. !he edge to my tone took me by surprise. .iolently, I
wished I had brought ?a#h with me after all. "ot "athan, in #ase he
looked at her and reali2ed how #ra2y liking me was. 0ut ?a#h, who
would hae known e7a#tly what to do. ""i#e sweatshirt."
"I%" 9he looked at Curtis, li#king her lips the way she always did
before a re#ital or a #on#ert. "I%this is a surprise."
Curtis tou#hed my hand urgently. I almost flin#hed away. "' good
surprise. (e're glad you're here."
"We." 'nger was good. 0etter than pathos, or heartbreak. I #ould see
$randmama's lips thin with disapproal as she looked at /a#hael.
!his made me happy. ""ot as good a surprise as the we. If only you'd
gotten along this well when I loed you both."
"9um," Curtis said pleadingly. "(e need to talk."
"(e as in you and /a#hael or you and me)" !he anger was no longer
good> it was playing hao# inside me.
"'ll of us." Curtis took my other hand. I saw /a#hael blan#h, the way
she always did when she saw #onfrontation #oming. I hadn't liked
fighting, either, on#e.
"(e don't need to do anything," I said, shaking my hands free. "I owe
nothing to you. ,ither of you."
"You left!" /a#hael e7ploded.
"0e#ause you aoided me after "eil died," I spat. "It didn't feel like I
had any reason to sti#k around, with both you and him saying stupid
things before ineitably dis#oering a do#tor's appointment you were
late for 1"
"Has it o##urred to you that maybe neither of us knew what to say or
do)" /a#hael adan#ed, neer one to ba#k away from a fight on#e it
had a#tually started. "(e're not you, 9ummer, we're not #alm and
#apable and always aware of what to say 1"
"*id you two bond oer that)" I said enomously. "*id you two dis#uss
how #alm and #apable I am before you tore off ea#h other's #lothes
eery night)"
"(e 1 I 1" /a#hael #urled her hands into fists. "$od, you're su#h a
&udgmental little 1"
I sat down as #almly and #apably as I #ould. "If you'd lost someone, I
would hae been there for you. Howeer awkward things were. I
would hae #alled if you moed away. 4specially if I hooked up with
your boyfriend."
"It wasn't 1" Curtis started.
I had #ome to see him, but it was /a#hael I had a bone to pi#k with.
"+ou stay out of this."
"(hat, so you're only mad at me)" /a#hael was trying ery hard to
sound #areless.
"/emember the time we were in that play in the si7th grade when you
didn't want to do it be#ause you #ouldn't get your lines right and I kept
falling down but I did it anyway)" I asked. I felt oddly deta#hed from
the situation. "*o you remember when eeryone made fun of you for
being a hi#k in the third grade and I was your friend be#ause I
worshipped you) *o you 1"
"I get it," /a#hael said bitterly. "+ou're brae and perfe#t and I'm not.
/ah rah."
"I missed you so mu#h after "eil died," I said, ignoring her be#ause
this #ould be my last #han#e to say these words to her. "+ou were my
best friend. I needed you."
/a#hael snapped her mouth #losed. I #ould see her #hin begin to
tremble. "I hate you," she snapped.
!aken aba#k, I said "(hat)"
"I'm glad you moed away," /a#hael spat. "+es, you stu#k by me. +es,
you were my best friend. 0lah blah blah 1 story of my fu#king life,
what with you being as perfe#t as you are 1 9ummer, the girl with the
eternity-long politi#ally-beautiful relationship with the &o#k, the girl with
the loing e##entri# family, the girl eeryone's parents and
grandparents wanted me to be 1"
My head was spinning. /a#hael sounded%&ealous. -f me) 0ut she'd
always been the $olden $irl 1 literally, with those amber eyes and
that tawny hair. 9he'd been impossibly smart, impossibly talented,
impossibly gorgeous, impossibly #onfident, impossibly%eerything I
wanted to be. "0ut you're /a#hael," I half-whimpered.
"'nd you're 9ummer," she said #oldly. "(hat's your point) I already
know you're all I should be."
"0ut you're Rachael," I said again, unable to wrap my head around
this 1 this blasphemy.
"9top saying that!" /a#hael s#reamed. "(hy the fu#k did you hae to
#ome ba#k)"
I didn't hae an answer. !his seemed to infuriate her more. "+ou know
what)" she yelled. "I'm glad "eil died!"
!he words she'd hurled at me settled into the air, heay in their
inability to &ust disappear.
*imly, I rose to my feet. "!ake that ba#k," I said. Calmly. Capably.
""o," /a#hael said, teetering on her feet.
"!ake that ba#k!" I lur#hed myself at her, slamming both of us into the
wall. I'd seen that kind of thing happen so many times in moies and
soap operas but I'd neer thought I'd be doing anything that
ridi#ulously #li#h@ myself, neer imagined feeling that kind of blind
rage.
I wasn't too sure what was happening. I knew I was trying to rip her
hair out of her head, and I was somewhat #ertain that she was
shoing at my shoulders, but I #ouldn't think about it. 'ny of it.
"9ummer!" Curtis's hands wrapped themseles around my waist,
lifting me ba#kwards. Instin#tiely I leaned into him and /a#hael
slapped my fa#e. I #ouldn't beliee that the howl that left the base of
my throat was mine. 9ho#ked, I stopped moing.
"-h, for the loe of $od and his mother!" $randmama flew at /a#hael
and iolently pulled her away.
It all seemed in sharp fo#us 1 /a#hael's red panting fa#e as she spat
a lo#k of her hair out of her mouth, $randmama's now barely-present
lips and frowning fa#e, Curtis's big hands on my body again.
"I hate you, too," I whispered, and then eerything went bla#k.
(hen I opened my eyes, I was lying down. I looked around #autiously.
My surroundings were #uriously familiar. (alls peppered with posters
of athletes, pi#tures of Curtis and his family. ' pi#ture of Curtis and I at
Home#oming> a million pi#tures of Curtis and /a#hael standing
tensely ne7t to ea#h other at ,llis Island.
It was in this room, on this bed, that Curtis and I had dis#oered my
body together.
I wanted to #url up in a ball and #ry until the a#he in my throat went
away.
"$reat, you're #ons#ious," /a#hael's disgruntled oi#e snarled from
the foot of the bed.
I looked at her. 9he was sitting on Curtis's desk #hair with her bare
knees drawn to her #hest, a frown on that striking fa#e. My right #heek
throbbed. Had I really done what I'd done) 6ought 1 physically 1 with
someone) (ith Rachael)
"I don't beliee this," I said groggily, letting myself #url up in a ball.
"+ou don't beliee this)" /a#hael e#hoed. "+eah. =oin the #lub."
I took deep breaths, for#ing myself to be who I was 1 Calm. Capable.
0e#ause that was nothing to be ashamed of. "8ook. I understand that
you hate me." !he words hurt but I got them out. "0ut you #an't take it
out on eil."
""ot like he will eer know." /a#hael's oi#e was hard. I had seen this
side of her before 1 when she'd told off =oan (atkins for spilling soup
on my brand-new #ords be#ause I beat her in the spelling bee, when
she'd humiliated 0ill Cohn in 'ssembly for saying I had a fat ass. 0ut
I'd neer thought I'd see it turned against me. I felt the urge to shake
her and say, "It's me, /a#hael! 9ummer!"
"6ine," I said ;uietly. "6ine. I guess I'll &ust go 1"
"+ou #an't," /a#hael said. "Curt and his fat grandmother lo#ked us in
and went out to buy lun#h. !hey want us to talk."
"-h." I pulled myself into a sitting position. 8ooking at her #old fa#e, I
felt a surge of anger. "How generous of your boyfriend."
"I really underestimated him the whole time you were with him,"
/a#hael said smugly. "!hat boy has magi# hands."
I restrained myself from flinging myself at her again. I #ouldn't think of
a #omeba#k that would hurt her enough. "9o when e7a#tly did you
dis#oer that)" I asked eenly.
Her eyes were knowing. "Home#oming. He #ame with 9ta#ey
!empleton and I went alone. $uess who was alone at the end of the
night."
I tra#ed the pattern on the bedspread with my left hand. "(ere you
always this mu#h of a bit#h)"
/a#hael smiled. It didn't rea#h her eyes. "Curt doesn't think I'm a
bit#h."
I imagined that night 1 9ta#ey !empleton's wide smile as she entered
the s#hool gym with the basketball star. /a#hael in one of her little
bla#k dresses, moing sensuously to the musi#. Maybe they'd talked,
maybe they'd fought and insulted ea#h other the way they always did.
Maybe they'd stopped midway and stared into ea#h other's eyes. Had
they nu22led noses before they kissed, the way Curtis always had
with me)
I shook my head, feeling broken and stret#hed out and full of holes.
"$od, /a#h. How did this happen)"
""ow you want details)" /a#hael ;uirked an eyebrow.
"I meant%you and me." I gestured at the spa#e between us. "(e
used to be so #lose. (e were best friends until like fie minutes ago. I
loed you more than anyone else 1"
"More than Curtis)" /a#hael asked inno#ently.
"-f #ourse." *idn't she know that)"
"/eally." /a#hael barked out a laugh. "!hat must be why, when you
#ame to #onfront us about being together 1 not to &ust see me, of
#ourse 1 you #ame looking for him. 't his house. I guess you &ust
#osmi#ally knew I was here, didn't you)"
I felt as if she'd thrown an i#e pi#k at me. "I 1"
"!he si7 months you were away." /a#hael twisted her hair into a
ponytail. "+ou thought of me all the time, did you) 's mu#h as you
thought about Curt) (hile you were lying in bed thinking of all he
ways he tou#hed you, you were also thinking of the million things you
and I hae been doing sin#e we were fie, were you)"
I trembled, the air su#ked out of my lungs.
"0e#ause, 9ummer, let me tell you, that would make up for all the
times you dit#hed me for Curtis or a fu#king family #risis like i#e-#ream
on the floor. -h, hey, /a#hael's si#k, let me take #hi#ken soup to her 1
but wait, Curt &ust #alled, he needs another person to go to the moies
with him and his buddies, #an't disappoint "urt, let me &ust #all my
best ,riend and #an#el."
I buried my fa#e in my hands. I had done that. -h, $od. (hat had I
done) How had I 1
"9o forgie me if I don't fall to my knees and beg you to pardon me for
falling in loe with the guy you left," /a#hael finished, raising her head
high. "He was your eerything 1 and beliee me, I see the #harm 1
and I was &ust the girl on the sidelines who took you to #lubs when he
was away and made you some friends and made you look pretty for
dates with him."
I remembered now. "ot &ust the time I'd thrown her the biggest
thirteenth birthday party anyone in s#hool had eer had, but the times
I'd ruined her fourteenth and fifteenth birthday parties be#ause Curtis
and I had fought and I needed her to #ry to. "ot the myriad of times
we'd sung along to 0ritney 9pears in her room or spent hours looking
for the right shade of lipsti#k for her to wear to "+3 parties, but the
billions of times I'd #an#elled on her when she was upset be#ause
Curtis needed help with his homework. "ot the one time I'd kept her in
#onstant supply of :leene7 and hugs and strawberry #heese#ake
when her *ad had run away to .ermont but the time I'd missed the
biggest dan#e performan#e of her life to spot Curtis be#ause his
workout buddy got mono and he had a game two days later.
I was a horrible person. ' bad friend. !he ery worst.
"/a#hael." I raised my head, looked her in the eye, laughed in my
mind at the sheer inade;ua#y of what I #ould say. "/a#h. I #an't%I
#an't possibly tell you how sorry I am."
"9ure, that makes up for it all," /a#hael said, #rossing her arms oer
her #hest. "9ae it for someone who #ares, 9ummer. I don't.
'nymore."
"/a#hael%" !ears s;uee2ed my eyes. "I%what #an I do) (hat #an I
possibly do)"
"4lease, do you think anything you do would matter)" /a#hael lifted
herself to her feet, body ere#t. "I'e moed on. +ou're a fool if you
haen't."
I #on#entrated on breathing. "I was a terrible friend. I desere%I don't
know. 0ut you need to know that I still%#are about you. 9o mu#h."
"'nd yet you're here, not in my /ierside *rie apartment." /a#hael
barked out a laugh. "8ooking for Curtis, your first loe, your%
whateer."
(hat #ould I say) (hat #ould I do) I remained motionless, knowing
that nothing was enough.
"*on't worry about it." /a#hael shook out her magnifi#ent hair. "I'm
oer it."
""o, you're not," I whispered. "+ou're angry."
"(ell, sure." /a#hael smiled bitterly. I knew how she was> she #ut
people out of her life when they disappointed her too mu#h. "(ouldn't
you be) *oesn't #hange anything."
!he door swung open aggressiely and Curtis burst in. He looked
from me to /a#hael to me again, his fa#e apprehensie. ""othing
seems broken."
I for#ed a smile. "I should go."
""o, no," he said eagerly. "+ou don't hae to go. +ou &ust got here. 're
you two 1 okay)"
I didn't miss the ;ui#k, s#ared glan#e that /a#hael threw him. I knew I
#ouldn't stay. I knew /a#hael would go along with what he wanted> he
wasn't someone she #ould refuse, was he)
"9ummer and I are done," /a#hael said #arefully.
(e were neer going to be okay. (ere we)
"'re you sure)" Curtis wasn't missing the tension in the room.
"Curt." I wasn't angry with him, anymore, for wanting /a#hael. In
some twisted way, that was the only thing that #ould possibly make
things okay. *id I still want him) *id it matter) "I'd like to talk to
/a#hael a little more. 4lease)"
"-h." He looked un#ertainly at his girlfriend. "9ure. I'll &ust%"
"(hat's the point)" /a#hael's oi#e rang out. "It's not like we're
suddenly going to fall into ea#h other's arms. I know you're persistent
and all, 9ummer, but I think you should a##ept that you and I don't
een lie in the same town anymore."
"/a#h," Curtis murmured.
""o, she's right," I said, trying my hardest to sound as if that was okay.
I needed to a##ept that my past was behind me> I needed to get on
with my life. "I'm sorry I #ame ba#k."
/a#hael went oer to stand ne7t to him. !heir shoulders tou#hed.
!hey looked heartbreakingly good together, tall and e7oti#-looking.
"Curt will walk you out," she said ;uietly.
Curtis nodded and walked oer to me, taking my hand. "+ou're sure
you want to leae."
I nodded. I didn't trust myself to speak. I turned ba#k to the girl who'd
on#e been like my sister and for#ed another smile. "Hae a great year,
/a#h%ael."
6or a moment I thought there was something in her eyes that seemed
familiar, but then her fa#e fro2e oer again. "I wish you all the ery
best," she said formally.
!he sound of the door #losing behind me was like many doors
shutting at the same time.
"I'm not going to pretend to understand what the hell that was," Curtis
said as we strolled to the train.
I felt stunned. "I'm not sure I do, either. 0ut I #an't fi7 this in one day.
'nd I don't hae more than that be#ause I hae a life I need to return
to."
Curtis shook his head. "(hy did you #ome ba#k, 9um)"
I looked at him, memori2ing the way his shoulders #ured down to his
#hest, the way his #urls flopped around. "I like the new hair."
"+ou look ni#e, too." Curtis stopped, fa#ing me. !here was wariness in
those #lear eyes. "+ou grew taller."
"9till not tall enough for you, though," I said. "I missed you. ,spe#ially
in the beginning."
"I'm sorry," Curtis said, the wariness deepening.
"/emember when you and /a#h used to fight)" I said. "9he'd #all you
stuff like obtuse and brutish and you'd pra#ti#ally throw stuff at her. It
got pretty passionate."
"(hat)" Curtis looked #onfused. "9um, I neer #heated on you, I
swear 1 this thing with /a#hael happened after 1"
""o, I know," I interrupted. "I was &ust saying."
"-h." Curtis frowned. "-kay."
"How did it happen, though)" I #ouldn't resist asking.
"I'm not sure." !he frown got%frownier. "(e used to talk about you.
/a#h got mad when I told her we were still talking. "ot like she had a
#rush on me, &ust mad."
"(hy didn't you tell me)" I said. "!hat you were hanging out)"
"0e#ause we weren't," Curtis said. "!hey were &ust, you know, really
random. (e used to end up in the same room at the same parties and
stuff 1 I really did miss you, you know. !he guys #alled me a pussy for
it, but I #ouldn't really dig anyone else when you left."
!he guys. 4arties. Crushes. It all sounded so normal, worlds apart
from all the #ra2y drama and loe-or-death situations in 8inbury.
"0ut then /a#hael and I 1 she used to throw these fits about how
stupid beer tasted, and it was, oh, funny, you know) 9he was 1 is 1
su#h a fu#king drama ;ueen." His puppy dog eyes begged me to
understand why he sounded so affe#tionate when he said it.
In a funny way, I did. /a#hael was my e7a#t opposite. I did beliee
Curt had loed me. /a#hael being so different had to hae helped.
I stared at Curtis, steeling myself for the pain to hit. 0ut it was
nowhere near as bad as I'd e7pe#ted. My #hest and #heek throbbed,
but it didn't floor me, and it sputtered out after a few se#onds.
I #ouldn't find any words. "'re you happy)" I settled for asking.
Curtis hesitated, a good answer. "'re you)"
""o," I said. I thought of snow, and wat#hing moies with Mi#hael, and
#ho#olate #hip #ookies. I thought of "athan tou#hing his lips to mine
with that breathtaking grin. I thought of ,nglish #lasses with Ms 0lake
and ,ri#a pran#ing around like a true smartass. I thought of ?a#h's
fa#e, his sardoni# drawl, his smell, his hand on my head. "0ut I will
be."
"9um, I%" Curtis started, but his ringing phone #ut him off. He pulled it
out of his po#ket with a s#owl 1 the ringtone was still 'kon's
'0ellydan#er' 1 his e7pression melting as he #he#ked the s#reen. "It's,
um, /a#h."
"+ou should take it." I smiled at him for what I would ensure was the
last time in a long time. "'nd I should go. Home."
"0ut we haen't 1" Curtis's shoulders slumped. "-kay."
"-kay," I said, turning away.
9omeday I would #ome ba#k. 9omeday I would be e#stati#ally happy
for them and I wouldn't be een a little angry with /a#hael and
/a#hael would forgie me and Curtis wouldn't be afraid to hurt me and
I wouldn't be #lut#hing ?a#h's &a#ket ;uite so tightly for prote#tion.
I #ried silently on the train ba#k to CeeCee's apartment. I'd #ried so
mu#h oer the last two days that my eyes hurt as the tears gushed out
of them.
I felt #old as I stumbled up the blo#k to the apartment. 'nd then,
somehow, as I #aught sight of ?a#h sitting on the ben#h opposite the
*5 with a book planted on his lap, I didn't.
He looked up. I swayed on my feet.
"+ou know," he said a#idly, "9ometimes &a#kets are meant for
prote#tion from the weather, not to look like a bulky fie-year-old
hiding from the fashion poli#e."
I slid off the &a#ket, ine7pli#ably hurt. I'd meant to say something like
"(hat are you, the fu#king homose7ual editor of &een 5ogue)" but
what #ame out was, "I missed you."
?a#h eyed me. "I assume the e7 doesn't want se7 with you anymore.
-n any bed."
'nger simmered within me. "+ou think I went to beg him to take me
ba#k)"
"(hat else)" ?a#h looked bored.
!here it was again, the one-step-forward-katrillion-steps-ba#kward
thing we were #onstantly doing. I whipped his #ell out of my po#ket
and lobbed it at him. "6u#k you."
"/eally original, kid," ?a#h said, infuriatingly #alm. "(ho threw
ele#troni# dei#es at you)"
"(hat)" I wished I #ould throw something else at him. 'nd hit him in
the nose this time. (hat right did he hae to assume that I would be
begging Curtis to be with me again) !hat I was a patheti# ugly blimp
who #ouldn't get oer him)
"!hat bruise on your #heek. "ot an a##essory you need." He rea#hed
out and tou#hed the side of my fa#e, his fingers mu#h, mu#h gentler
than his tone.
My skin burst into fire. My insides started doing the tango. My heart
started beating like it had nanose#onds left to lie.
'll the fu#king #li#h@s.
*is#on#erted, I stared at ?a#h. "/a#hael slapped me," I blurted.
I saw the amusement in ?a#h's eyes and the fury mounted again.
"*amn," he said. "(ish you'd taken me along to see that."
I glared at him.
"'ny parti#ular reason why)" ?a#h asked.
!he fury went down a not#h. "!urns out I was one of those patheti#
girls who negle#t their best friends for the guy they worship."
"+ou don't say," ?a#h drawled.
I flushed, thinking of all our arguments about "athan. "+ou were mu#h
ni#er yesterday," I #ommented.
"+ou didn't steal my stuff and leae me on my own with a giggling
oerse7ed #ouple yesterday," ?a#h bit ba#k.
I rolled my eyes. "I had to do this alone. I'm sorry. 'nd for your
information, there was no begging inoled. I &ust%needed to know
why."
He didn't speak.
"*o you want to know why)" I asked.
""o," ?a#h said. "0ut I'm pretty sure you're going to make me sit
through the e7#ru#iatingly long retelling anyway."
I got to my feet. If he was going to be su#h a &a#kass, I #ouldn't deal
with it at the moment. "ot when I was so #onfused and oerwrought
and 1
"-h, for fu#k's sake, kid, spare me the dramati#s and sit down." ?a#h
grabbed my arm and slammed me down ne7t to him. ""ow gie me all
the neerending details."
"+ou know what)" I said. "It doesn't matter. I'm going to let it go
be#ause 1 I need to moe on."
?a#h's fa#e turned serious for a se#ond. "!hat bad, huh)"
"I don't belong here anymore," I said ;uietly.
"9o where is it you do belong, e7a#tly)" ?a#h wanted to know. "(ith
/o7anne and her 0arbie dolls) 0e#ause they might not agree with
that. -r with athan)"
"+ou promised you'd let my relationship with "athan be," I said flatly.
(here did I belong)
"(hateer," ?a#h said. "8ook, do you want to go home today or what)
0e#ause I need fresh underwear."
!aken by surprise, I felt a laugh bubbling somewhere in my stoma#h.
"8oely image, $ellar," I said, my fa#e splitting into a smile. I steadied
myself. "+eah. 8et's go home."
"I really #an't thank you enough for this," I said to CeeCee as we stood
at her door together.
"If you say that on#e more I will ki#k your ass," CeeCee threatened
#heerfully. "(here were you this morning anyway) +our note was so
#rypti#. I thought we were gonna do something together on your last
day here, you know, like go shopping or whateer."
"I had something I needed to take #are of," I said. "'nd the shopping
might hae killed ?a#h. He's sort of in a bad mood already."
"He did get pretty upset when he got up and you weren't around,"
CeeCee said. "'lthough that #ould hae been be#ause he walked in
on /oss with his hand up my shirt on the table."
"-h $od, CeeCee!" I #ried out, win#ing.
"(hat) (e hae a healthy se7 life," CeeCee said unabashedly. 9he
gae me a thoughtful look. "Hey, hae you eer #onsidered that ?a#h
might hae a little #rush on you)"
I was trying my best not to #onsider that # might hae a little #rush on
him. "CeeCee, hae you looked at the guy) 'nd then at me)"
CeeCee shrugged. "I'e seen the two of you together. =ust sayin',
"athan should wat#h out." I hadn't told her mu#h about "athan, &ust
that we were about to start going out and that he was hot as hellfire.
"'nyway. 8ook. He was sort of a#ting weird 1 we were wat#hing &he
2/" 1"
"?a#h was wat#hing &he 2/")" I didn't know mu#h about the show
e7#ept that it was about 8inbury-ri#h (est Coast kids, but it didn't
seem like ?a#h's thing.
""o, silly, I was, he was sort of &ust ranting on about /yan's portrayal
of a bad guy leading dim-witted pubes#ent girls to go around looking
for guys to rape them so they #ould hae a hot relationship or some
#rap like that 1 you know, I know you like him and he is goodlooking
and all but I don't know how you #an stand him sometimes although
he is ;uite fun at other 1"
"Is there a point somewhere here)" I #ut her off.
"+eah. $od. (ell, 9eth was talking about how #ute 9ummer was
during her rage bla#kouts 1 now there's a guy I would date 1 and then
your friend suddenly got this disturbed look on his fa#e and pi#ked up
one of your books that are still lying around here and bolted." CeeCee
stopped to breathe. "9, I hate to be the one to say this but that boy
might be bipolar."
I #ouldn't help laughing. "", #an you not talk like a #hara#ter from one
of your !. shows)"
CeeCee flung herself at me in what seemed like a sudden burst of
affe#tion. "-h, 9ummer! I wish you weren't leaing! +ou are the best
little sister in the whole wide world!"
/oss appeared behind her. "I forget to get her de#af today," he
informed me somberly.
I hugged my sister and then turned to the loe of her life, smiling. "+ou
two are nauseating, you know that)"
CeeCee kissed both my #heeks. "I know," she said proudly. "*on't be
a stranger, baby#akes."
/oss shook my hand. "!ake #are, 9ummer."
"I loe you both," I said. "'nd thank you. 'gain."
's I turned away from my old apartment and walked slowly down the
stairs to where ?a#h was waiting for me, I felt strangely hopeful.
!he hopefulness didn't last oer the silent #ab ride to the station.
"My sister thinks you're bipolar," I told ?a#h, taking a bite of the pi22a
sli#e I'd bought at the station before sinking into the window seat.
"+our sister is ery blond." ?a#h pi#ked a pepperoni off the sli#e.
"9ays the guy who goes to s#hool with /o7anne Cartwright," I s#offed.
"Meaning I'm used to pretty girls," ?a#h said smugly. "'nd yet I think
your sister's ery hot. 9he should get a fu#king pri2e."
I didn't ;uite like the #omment. "*on't talk about my sister like that."
"It's too bad you don't lie with them," ?a#h sneered. "+ou #ould wat#h
their lie porn display eeryday and pi#k up some pointers."
I #omposed my fa#e into a superior e7pression. "*o you een know
how mu#h like an immature high s#hool horndog you sound right
now)"
"Maybe it #ould get your e7 ba#k to you," ?a#h #ontinued, ignoring
me.
"I don't want him ba#k," I snarled.
He smirked. "'w, did I tou#h a nere)"
-kay, what had I done to desere ?a#h's sudden de#ision to start
a#ting out 1 right now of all times) It had been one of the longest,
hardest, worst days of my life. "(hat's your problem)"
"+ou mean besides the whole stealing my sour#e of heat, my sour#e
of #onne#tion to the world, and leaing me behind with your blond
sister and her weird boyfriend deal)" ?a#h said inno#ently.
"CeeCee told me you got 1 upset 1 in the middle of wat#hing her !.
show," I said.
"Can you blame me)" ?a#h said. "!hat show does spew a lot of really
ridi#ulous garbage 1"
"-h, and I suppose you hae a pithy, hardhitting, profound ,mmy-
winning !. show written alongside all the angsty #rap in your man
7ournal, do you)"
?a#h patted my shoulder patroni2ingly. ":eep using the big words. It
might make up for your la#k of blond hair. 9omeday."
I thought of /a#hael's sho#k of tawny hair and wanted to s;uee2e his
'dam's apple till he shrieked like a girl. "+ou're not e7a#tly blond
yourself," I said, trying to sound #alm. 'nd #apable.
"I don't hae e7es who wouldn't take me ba#k in a heartbeat."
"-h, really)" I said, flushing hotly. "I bet it was your la#k of blond hair
that made )enise turn to athan."
?a#h's eyes flashed. !riumphant, I smirked at him, and then paused
as he leaned towards me.
9uddenly distra#ted, I #on#entrated on ironing out the hit#h in my
breathing.
"I don't gie a fu#k about *enise," he said ;uietly.
(e stared at ea#h other, fa#es #lose enough for me to #ount eery
indiidual eyelash of his. I felt strangely light-headed.
My phone bu22ed against my hip.
=umping, sweating like a kid #aught eating #ho#olate at the dentist's, I
e7tra#ted my phone from my po#ket. '"'!H'"' flashed repeatedly on
the s#reen.
I waited for the surge of e7#itement that always #ame when "athan
#alled to hit. It didn't.
""-"athan)" I tore my eyes away from ?a#h's.
"Hey." !he warm oi#e I loed was tentatie, eager. It gae me a fu22y
feeling in the pit of my stoma#h.
"+ou're ba#k)" I said, lat#hing on to the fu22y feeling.
"+es, a#tually," "athan laughed. "(ell, at the airport."
"*id you meet any Italian supermodels)" I shifted in my seat.
"8et me see," "athan said mo#k-seriously. "I seem to re#all
#hampagne with this leggy brunette #alled 6ran#es#a%"
"*id you tell her about the girl ba#k home)" I smiled. !his was familiar.
"+eah, it made her throw herself off the building," "athan said.
"!urned out she'd fallen deeply in loe with me."
I smiled harder. "(hy wouldn't she, right)"
"+eah, I definitely don't blame her," "athan #hu#kled. "9ee what
you'e been missing all this time now)"
"I really did miss you," I said, looking at ?a#h.
"!hat's a relief," "athan said. "9haya and I had this bet going on
about how soon you would forget about me."
"How #ould I possibly forget about you)" I said. "+ou owe me #andy."
"I do, don't I) (here are you right now)"
""ew +ork, a#tually," I said regretfully. "8ong story."
"-h, so you're saying I hae to wait to see you)" "athan groaned
&okingly. "Can't the unierse &ust gie me a break)"
"Hey, I haen't been wining and dining supermodels," I pointed out.
"How about I make that up to you with dinner at seen tomorrow)"
"athan said. "I'm as good-looking as a supermodel. In my humble
opinion."
I resisted the ridi#ulous urge to giggle. "9ounds, um,...perfe#t."
!he train started to #hug out of the station, so I dis#onne#ted the #all,
feeling a million times better than I had all day. I truly had missed
"athan 1 his easy #harm, the banter that a#tually in#reased my self-
esteem instead of making me feel fat and ugly and slow at times and
like &umping up and down giddily at others.
"Sounds, um, per,ect," ?a#h said in a falsetto, throwing in a mo#k
giggle for effe#t. "+ou know what that sounds like) !hat sounds like
you belong on &he 2/"/"
"'t least someone wants me," I said i#iously. I wanted to hurt him. I
hoped I'd hurt him. (hy the hell was he so intent on pushing my
buttons all of a sudden)
"0eliee me, "athan has no problem wanting girls."
"(ould you &ust stop being su#h a pissy asshole and &ust let it go)" I
said irritably, getting to my feet. !he train was empty> there was
nobody around to witness a s#ene.
"(hy, so you #an giggle at me and let me know all about your .alley
$irl fantasies)" ?a#h asked, unfolding his body.
"8ook." I took hold of the edges of his &a#ket. ?a#h was my best friend
and I loed him and he #ared about me> he had to understand if I &ust
talked to him. "I hae had a really, really bad day. I had a fight that I
#an neer fi7 with my former best friend and I reali2ed that she fits
better with my former boyfriend than I eer did. 9o I would really, really
appre#iate it if you would &ust get oer your bad mood like you did
yesterday 1"
"!oo bad "athan isn't here to kiss your bad day better," ?a#h said
sa##harinely. /elentlessly.
I met his ga2e, flushing furiously. "It really is," I said frostily.
"(hat the hell do you see in him)" ?a#h demanded.
It was a ;uestion I hadn't e7pe#ted. I gaped at him. "He%he's
#harming," I fumbled. "'nd sweet. 'nd understanding. 'nd he makes
me feel happy. 'nd%and%he likes me for who I am, and%he knows
me really well%"
"/eally," ?a#h said s#athingly.
"+es!" I said, instantly on the defensie. "He knows about my family!"
His palms shot out and #lut#hed both sides of my head. I half-
e7pe#ted him to shake my head, go off into another spiel about how
bad "athan was for me, tell me to snap out of my 5alley .irl
,antasies/
Instead, he shoed my head upwards with both hands and #rushed
our lips together.
My knees bu#kled out underneath me. My brain wasn't working
enough for me to let go of his &a#ket. I sank into my seat, dragging him
down on top of me.
He pulled away. "*oes he know," he sighed, his mouth moing in
into7i#ating #ir#les on my &aw, "that your eyes go from brown to bla#k
when you're really, really pissed off)"
My head swam. +est ,riend, I #lut#hed furiously at my whirling
thoughts. athan/ +est ,riend/ %nger/ athan/ athan/ %&!%/
"?a#h," I whispered, pulling him #loser. I tou#hed the strip of ba#k
between his t-shirt and &eans with trembling fingers, shoed his &a#ket
away from his body, twined my right leg around his ankle. !he train
ro#ked beneath us.
He dis#onne#ted his fa#e from mine and looked down at me,
breathing hard. ""athan," he whispered ba#k. His tone full of
;uestions.
My hand &umped to my tingling mouth. I felt my eyes widen. It was my
#han#e to moe away, to in;uire, to stop whateer this was from going
any further. !o be sensible and #apable and #alm. !o be me/ 0ut I
#ouldn't think and I #ouldn't breathe and I #ouldn't moe.
He kissed me again, soft mouth hard and unyielding against mine.
""ot the right answer," he breathed, biting my lower lip hard enough to
draw blood. His tongue darted out to taste the effe#t.
6ranti#ally I #lawed at his shirt, bun#hed it up at his ne#k, pressed my
fa#e to his #hest. My stoma#h soared and then plummeted as I #lung
to him, feeling his shudder reerberate through my ar#hed body. His
warm hands were rough and urgent on my #old skin.
It felt like the fastest roller-#oaster ride in the world. 8ike &umping off a
plane without a para#hute. 8ike fear and un#ertainty and di22y, di22y
e7#itement.
I #losed my eyes.



89. #ttle
It hurt.
My swollen, bruised lips. !he s#rat#h on my ne#k. !he look in ?a#h's
eyes when I'd wren#hed myself away from him, as though he'd
suddenly reali2ed who I was and where we were. !he opa;ue silen#e
that hoered between us as the train sped to 8inbury> the slowing of
my wild heartbeat> the rigidity of his profile as he looked eerywhere
but at me.
!he way neither of us said a word as we left the train and went our
separate ways, the way I looked ba#k and he didn't.
In my room, I stared unseeingly at the #eiling oerhead, tu#king my
knees into my stoma#h and winding my arms around them. It was
bitterly #old. I shiered.
(hat had I done) (hy hadn't he said anything) (hy had he kissed
me) (hy had he stopped looking at me) How #ould I hae let myself
tou#h him the way I had) (hat had I ,elt) !ow #ould I hae felt it)
I felt drained.
"Hey, Mi#hael, there's a light on under her door." ,ri#a's oi#e. "!hink
she's ba#k)"
"(hat are you, afraid that her ghost will assault you if you #he#k)"
,ri#'s oi#e taunted.
!he door slid open #autiously. I sat up hastily, telling myself that I
#ould do this, I #ould go on autopilot and a#t like I wasn't a lying,
#heating, almost-broken idiot who had no idea what she'd &ust done.
"+ou're ba#k!" ,ri#a bounded towards and the bed, springing into it.
"-h my $od!"
"Hey," I said hoarsely, hugging her. ,ri# waked towards me and
pe#ked me on the #heek. Mi#hael and 'nn entered. "(here were you
guys) !he house was empty when I got home."
"(e went shopping," ,ri#a said e7uberantly. "*o you like Mom's new
#oat)"
(hen I'd left, eerything had been so #haoti#> were things okay
enough now that they all went shopping together) Had 'nn and *ad
talked things out) Hopefully I studied 'nn's shiny tan%thing. "It's
ni#e," I lied.
"!hank you." 'nn rea#hed for me. I pulled away and took her hand
instead. I was holding on to self-#ontrol by a thread> a hug would &ust
oerwhelm me. "(e were so worried when Mi#hael said he got your
te7t that you were in "ew +ork."
"+eah, Mom freaked at the thought of you alone in the big bad #ity you
only lied in all your life." ,ri#a rolled her eyes.
"I wasn't alone," I pulled my #oat up to hide my ne#k, thankful that in
the dim light they #ouldn't see my fa#e. "I mean, I was with CeeCee."
"How is she)" 'nn wanted to know, a hint of her old maternal #on#ern
in her tone.
"0lissful," I said, my oi#e ;uiering &ust a little.
"'re you going to tell us what you did or what)" ,ri#a asked. "(hy'd
you take off)"
"I%I #an't%I'm really tired, you guys." I faked a yawn. "Can we please
talk later)"
"$od." ,ri#a looked offended. "Come on, ,ri#, let's go wat#h !. and
allow Her Crypti# Ma&esty to get some sleep."
!he twins floun#ed out. I looked at 'nn and Mi#hael. "I swear I will tell
you all about it in a while," I said tiredly.
'nn glan#ed at her hands. "9ummer, I need to tell you something
first."
I shrugged. "-kay."
"+our father%moed out." 'nn sat down gingerly.
"2h." I glan#ed up. I #ouldn't muster up the energy to #are mu#h. "-h,
'nn. I'm sorry."
"It was%long due." 9he gae me a pained smile.
"I%I would like to stay here with you," I blurted. "If the offer is still, um,
open. Is it)"
"-h, my baby, of #ourse," 'nn said earnestly. "+ou may not be my
daughter legally, but you are my daughter neertheless."
My eyes pri#kled. "I reali2e that *a-6rank might be a problem there.
He is, after all, my legal guardian. 0ut I #an deal with him, 'nn, I think
1"
"9ummer, that's the thing," 'nn said, tou#hing my knee gently. "6rank
says he is fine with you liing here. He won't take up the matter legally
if you want to stay." 9he pulled a white enelope out of the depths of
her ugly #oat. "He left you a letter."
I stared at the enelope, stunned.
"I'll leae you alone now," 'nn said softly. "3nless you want me to%"
""o." I took the enelope. ""o, it's okay."
9he left. Mi#hael didn't stir. 6or a minute we looked at ea#h other. I felt
a rush of loe for him> we were in this together.
"+ou okay)" he asked finally.
"+es," I for#ed out. "+es," I repeated.
"-kay," Mi#hael said ;uietly. He turned away. "+ou know where to find
me."
I tore the enelope open before he was een out the door.
)ear Summer,You may stay with your stepmother i, you want/Your
,ather/
!hat was it) I turned the pie#e of white paper oer. 0lank.
I dug my nails into my palm, abruptly furious. "ot one word of loe%
or%or%anything. *idn't he want me) How #ould he not fight for me, if
only to hurt 'nn a little more) How #ould I hae e7pe#ted anything
from him)
I grabbed a pen off the bedside table and dug it into the pie#e of
paper.
)ear Frank Ward,
Wow, thank you ,or that brilliantly generous concession/ # guess # was
a ,ool to think you would F#%00Y stop disappointing me and W%&
me to live with you 0#34 % 2R$%0 F%&!4R/# should ,eel relieved/ #
don't W%& you to ,orce me to live with you/ # W%& to stay with %nn,
who 0254S me/ # should be over the moon that you're not putting up
a ,ight/+ut you know what? # 7ust ,eel hurt/ S2 !DR&/
3nthinkingly, I shoed the paper ba#k into the enelope and pushed it
off the bed, letting myself fall fa#edown into the bedspread. I didn't feel
like myself> I felt like someone else, someone who #ried and made
s#enes and a#ted like a #hild and kissed boys she wasn't going out
with.
I let out a little moan, #lut#hing my stoma#h with both hands as the
tears #ame. 'gain.
!he ne7t morning I stood under the shower until my skin was raw and
pink from the iolent s#rubbing. !he mark of ?a#h's fingernails on the
ba#k of my skin made my stoma#h #hurn and I turned up the heat of
the water to make my body stop twit#hing as though his hands were
still on it.
I wiped the steam of the mirror, staring at my lips, and felt a burst of
self-loathing. How #ould I, howeer, briefly, hae gien in to the%
thing%I felt for ?a#h) (as it possible I had feelings for him) (as it
possible I didn't)
My phone beeped out a te7t message. "an't wait ,or seven tonight.
"athan.
I got ba#k into the bed and drew the #oers up to my #hin, feeling like
a wild animal.
' little after three, ,ri#a poked her head in through the door. "(hat's
wrong with you)" she demanded. "(hy haen't you #ome down all
day)"
I didn't answer.
"Mi#hael went ba#k to work and 'nn went to talk to 9teele and ,ri#'s
all ideo-gamey. I'm so bored." ,ri#a took a few steps inside. "'re you
si#k) +ou're si#k, aren't you) !hat's why you were shiering so mu#h
yesterday)"
"I'm not si#k," I mumbled.
"*id someone mug you in Manhattan or something)" ,ri#a persisted.
"Is this about your *ad)"
"I &ust want to be alone, okay)" I shut my eyes.
"Can't wait for seen tonight," ,ri#a said in a singsong tone. "+ou're
going on a date) !hat's so #ool. I love "athan 1"
My eyes shot open. ,ri#a was peering at my #ell phone. "/i#a!" I
&umped out of bed and snat#hed at my phone. "*on't you know
anything about pria#y)"
"I'm &ust trying to help," ,ri#a sniffed.
I #ringed. I was a bad enough person without haing to add yelling at
my little stepsister to my list of sins. "I know, /i#. I'm sorry." 3nbidden,
the tears #ame again.
"-kay, seriously, what's wrong)" ,ri#a asked, putting her toothpi#k
arm around me.
"I #heated on "athan," I sobbed.
"-h, you did not," ,ri#a gasped.
-h $od, what was I doing unloading on my little sister)
"+ou said he wasn't een your boyfriend!" ,ri#a yelled.
"He%he isn't. "ot e7a#tly. 0ut I 1 I said I'd go out with him &ust before
?a#h kissed me, and it was like I #ouldn't stop myself from kissing him
ba#k, and%I shouldn't be telling you all this!"
"If you haen't een gone out on your first date with "athan then it
doesn't #ount as #heating," ,ri#a said knowledgeably. "(ho's ?a#h)"
"/i#a, this isn't some dating guidebook, this is me! I #an't go out with
"athan when I hae this #ra2y out-of-#ontrol thing with ?a#h 1"
"-hmigod, was -ach in "ew +ork with you)"
"It's so #ra2y, /i#a, it's too big for me 1 I hae to #all "athan but I don't
know what to say 1 and ?a#h is my best friend, or was, I don't know, I
don't know what he is anymore 1"
"+ou #an't #an#el on "athan!" ,ri#a leaped to her feet.
'nnoyan#e fli#kered. "/i#a, I know you like the guy 1"
"How #an you not)"
"I do like him, /i#, that's the problem. I #an't hae feelings for two
guys at the same time. !hat's why I need to #an#el tonight 1 so I #an
figure this out 1"
"+ou absolutely #annot #an#el," ,ri#a said firmly, putting her hands on
her hips.
",ri#a 1"
"!hink about it," ,ri#a said. "+ou #all the guy and leae him hanging
without e7planation. !hat's &ust plain mean. +ou need to see him, go
out with him, tell him what you're feeling and what you did so he's up
to speed and not sitting around like some moron with his wires
#rossed. +ou owe it to him. +ou know," she added, "that I'm right."
I gaped at her in awe. "+ou're thirteen."
"'nd yet I got you to sing like a #anary, didn't I)" ,ri#a gloated. ""ow
e7#use me, but I hae to get ba#k the remote now that ,ri# lost."
"+ou bet on me)" I asked in disbelief.
"I loe you," ,ri#a #alled merrily, already skipping away.
8eft to myself, I pi#ked up my phone and stared at it. (ith a sudden
surge of determination, I de#ided that ,ri#a was right. I knew I had
feelings for "athan. I would go out with him, tell him that, e7plain that I
was #onfused and would beg for time. 8ike a grown-up. I would fi7
this.
'nd then I would hae to #onfront ?a#h%
(eak-kneed at the thought, I #rawled into bed again.
"/ise and shine!" !he little sister from hell 1 or *isneyland, &udging
from her tone 1 was ba#k.
"4rica," I groaned, looking out from under the #oers.
"I thought you said you weren't #an#eling," ,ri#a glowered.
"I'm not," I said groggily.
"(ell then, get up, you &ust hae an hour left and you need to look
#ute." ,ri#a hoisted my arm up.
"(hat's the point)" I said.
"(hen did you be#ome su#h a whiny little bit#h)" ,ri#a asked.
"I'e always been a worrier," I muttered defensiely. "*on't #uss."
"*on't whine," ,ri#a said #utely.
"9ummer!" 'nn barreled into my room looking e7#ited. ",ri#a said you
hae a date with that sweet boy from Christmas!"
!hrown, I mouthed You told her) furiously at ,ri#a.
ot the details, she mouthed ba#k.
"!hat's a relief," I said aloud. 9ar#asti#ally.
"(hat happened to Curtis, sweetie)" 'nn en;uired.
"He found someone else," I said, suddenly ery interested in my bed
again.
"!hat's good," ,ri# piped up from the doorway. I looked at him. He
shrugged. "(hat) +ou treated him like he was the sun and you were
his doormat. ,;ual relationship my denim-#lad behind."
"+ou're thirteen," I repeated helplessly.
,eryone ignored me. ,ri#a was fli#king though my #lothes with a
wrinkled nose, ,ri# was inspe#ting my walls with e;ual distaste, and
'nn was studying my fa#e.
"+ou need to go shopping," ,ri#a said.
",er thought about putting some posters on those bare walls)" ,ri#
said.
"(here will you be going, 9ummer)" 'nn said.
I wanted to get right ba#k into bed, but it didn't seem they would hae
let me.
6orty-fie minutes later the mother of all heada#hes had taken up
residen#e in my head. ,ri#a looked at me with pride in my mirror while
'nn looked at ,ri#, who was playing with a $ameboy on my bed.
"*eborah M#:inley wore her hair like that to the 6all 0all." ,ri#a's
oi#e oo2ed self-satisfa#tion as she patted my now sti#k-straight and
shiny brown hair.
"(ho's *eborah M#:inley)" I said like I #ared.
"-nly the hottest girl in the eighth grade," ,ri# snorted.
I sighed. ,ri#a had fitted me into one of her too-long slinky skirts that
hit me mid-thigh and then borrowed one of 'nn's pre-"eil .-ne#k
#ashmere sweaters for me to wear oer it. 'll the #ute #lothes and
mas#ara and lipsti#k felt utterly pointless be#ause I wasn't sure I
wanted "athan to een like me anymore, but ,ri#a and 'nn 1 and
een ,ri# 1 were haing fun and it didn't matter.
!he doorbell rang. I straightened inoluntarily.
"I'll get it!" ,ri#a s;uealed, darting out the door. "Hey," I heard her
s;ueal downstairs.
9uddenly nerous, I stood. "Make an entran#e," ,ri# hissed.
"Hae fun." 'nn kissed the top of my head. "(ait 1 should I go meet
him)"
I knew she'd gotten so used to Curtis that she didn't know how a#t
with a new date. "+ou already hae," I said, speedwalking.
I took a deep breath at the end of the stair#ase and then burst into the
foyer.
I saw him before he saw me and was surprised when my heart lifted
at the sight. His blond hair glittered in the oerhead light and his
shoulders seemed to fill the doorway. He looked like he belonged in a
#atalogue for #lothes for gorgeous preppy boys. It was a #orny
thought, but for a moment I felt like Cinderella laying eyes on the
prin#e for the first time.
"+ou look so good," ,ri#a was giggling. "Italy totally suits you. Hey,
you know, if things eer go wrong with my sister, you #an #all me on
her #ell."
"I'll keep that in my mind," "athan said. "*oesn't a girl as pretty as you
hae a boyfriend or three already, though)"
I astonished myself by taking a few steps forward and throwing my
arms around him. $od, I'd missed him.
He stood motionless for a se#ond before wrapping his arms around
me and lifting me off the ground. I remembered the time we'd slow
dan#ed at "hocolate 3isses and felt &ust as entran#ed by his smell.
!his time, though, it didn't throw me. "If this is how you rea#t when I
go away I'm going to go to Italy more often," he murmured.
"*on't you dare," I murmured, inhaling his perfume like a drug addi#t
before pulling away and smiling.
He leaned in. Instin#tiely I reared ba#k, ?a#h's fa#e leaping into my
head.
"9orry, too soon," "athan said, still grinning from ear to ear as he set
me down.
I felt my breathing hit#h. I wanted to #lut#h my stoma#h and leap ba#k
into bed and hide until all thoughts of ?a#h went away.
"+ou look good," I said instead, fighting for #omposure.
"+our new hair is hot." "athan wound a strand of it around his finger.
How #ould I tell him that I had kissed ?a#h) How #ould I stand to hae
that look in those eyes #hange) (hy did "athan's hand on my skin
still feel warm and why did "athan's mile still make my heart rate ki#k
it up a not#h)
"$et a room, you two," ,ri#a said. 9he smirked knowingly at my hair.
"0e ba#k by%wheneer, honestly. "athan, the offer still stands."
I stu#k out my tongue at her #hildishly as "athan drew my arm threw
his and started towards his 4ors#he. !his felt right. !his felt good.
=ust like making out with ?a#h had, at that moment, felt right.
I needed to stop thinking about ?a#h.
"+ou really do look good," I told "athan. "Francesca has a good effe#t
on your, um, skin."
"*on't worry, I thought of you the whole time." "athan grinned as he
opened the door of his #ar with a flourish. "!he white horse, Milady."
"!hat rhymed, you goofball," I said. ""athan, I need to tell you%"
"athan rea#hed into the ba#k and withdrew something. ' bou;uet of
lilies, da22ling in their whiteness. "Happy "ew +ear," he said, pla#ing it
on my lap.
I felt my resole weaken, my eyesight dim. How #ould I possibly tell
him) How #ould I hurt him) Maybe, I thought with a flash of hope,
what I had felt for ?a#h had been lust, prooked by haing a
handsome boy so #lose to me after so long. Maybe ?a#h and I were
friends after all. Maybe he'd kissed me &ust to%
"*on't tell me you don't like lilies," "athan groaned. "I knew I should
hae asked."
"I loe them," I said, looking at him. My first proper bou;uet. 'fter all, I
had always liked "athan, always wanted him, whether I'd trusted him
or not. "+ou think white should be our #olor) (hite horse, white
lilies%"
"athan grinned, tou#hing the sleee of my white sweater. I liked
haing his big fingers on my arm> it looked tiny in #omparison. "(hite
#ashmere. "ew beginnings."
I hugged the flowers to myself. "9o," I said. "(here are we going)"
"I take suggestions," "athan &oked. "I mean, I do hae this intri#ate
plan, but%"
"I think I'll trust your not-so-hidden roman#e noel sensibilities," I said.
!his did feel like a roman#e noel. -r a fairytale. ?a#h would neer
hae brought me flowers, neer hae%my smile slid off my fa#e. (hy
did I keep going there)
"9o, really, how was your a#ation)" I asked "athan. "I'e neer been
to Italy."
"It was great. +ou know how Mom's dating an Italian painter) He's not
the most patrioti# guy. He kept #omparing Italian #ulture to 6ren#h
#ulture and #oming up with reasons to hae gone to 4aris instead.
0ut, I mean, /ome was in#redible. 8iing in 8inbury, you don't reali2e
how mu#h history and beauty there is in the world, you know)"
"8inbury looks ery beautiful to me," I said, looking at the giganti#
estates flashing by. It was so easy being with "athan. I #ould always
think of things to say and I #ould neer stop smiling> it wasn't like
being with ?a#h. 0eing with ?a#h was fun, but it was also all-
#onsuming and eery moment felt like a minor skirmish from whi#h it
was hard to #ome out uns#athed. I loed being with ?a#h from the
bottom of my heart, imagining not being around ?a#h made me fight
for breath, sometimes I thought I was addi#ted to being around ?a#h,
but being with "athan was so effortless and #omforting and wonderful
that it took my breath away.
"It's te7tbook pretty. Hard to reali2e how many different kinds of
beautiful there are." He gae a sly smile. "!e7tbook pretty for girls, for
e7ample. 0lond hair and skimpy tops, right) 0ut I in,initely prefer
brunettes in white."
3nthinkingly I said, "?a#h kept ribbing me about 1"
I stopped abruptly, remembering how it had felt to whisper ?a#h's
name in his ears. It made my stoma#h start to hum and my insides
twist with%guilt)
"I thought ?a#h was in !hailand," "athan said easily, frowning in
#on#entration as he aoided an i#y pat#h on the ground.
It was the perfe#t moment. !he $od-gien moment to tell him.
""o, I ran into him in "ew +ork," I said feebly. "He was ribbing me
about blonds." I paused. "Hey, I hear great things about Italian food."
"(ith reason." "athan braked, and for a horrible heartstopping
moment I thought he was going to push it. 'sk what ?a#h and I had
done when we'd run into ea#h other. Instead, he slid out of the #ar and
#ame around to my side. "(e're here."
I stared up at the hotel in front of us. "!he Regency)"
"!he s#ene of "hocolate 3isses 1 or what I will always #onsider our
first date."
*espite myself I felt a smile break into my fa#e. "+ou wish."
"!hink of how mu#h trouble and wasting of time we'd hae aerted if
you'd admitted you #ouldn't resist me then," "athan teased, #urling his
fingers around my hand and helping me out.
6eeling a flush #reep up my ne#k, I smiled at him again, spee#hless
for on#e.
,ntering the restaurant where "hocolate 3isses had been held didn't
do mu#h to reliee my spee#hlessness.
Most of it looked the same 1 the bar to the side, the tables with red
roses in ases and #andles, the glittery feel of the entire area. !wo
things were different< it was absolutely empty with the #andle lit on
only one table, and the #ir#ular dan#e floor had been repla#ed by an
enormous skating rink. 'lso< #'ll +e, the song "athan and I had dan#ed
to, was playing softly from hidden speakers.
"I don't know what to say," I said after fie whole silent, astounded
minutes had passed. "How 1 how did you do this)"
"I hae my ways." "athan tou#hed the small of my ba#k, looking
pleased. "It's not too mu#h, is it)"
"It's%I%" I shook my head. "It's turning me into a stammering idiot."
"'s long as you're aware of your faults," "athan teased. "9it or skate,
9ummer (ard)"
"+ou're really ri#h, aren't you)" I blurted inappropriately.
"*id I forget to mention it)" "athan grinned down at me. He tou#hed
my #heek. "I &ust wanted this to be good, you know)"
"+ou're too mu#h," I said. "+ou're going to spoil me rotten."
"+ou read my mind," "athan said. "I'm going to spoil you so mu#h that
you'll hae to sti#k with me no matter what."
!his time, I had almost e7pe#ted it< ?a#h's fa#e &umped into my mind
with its usual pun#tual bad timing. !o my horror I #ould feel my eyes
filling.
"I hae to go," I whispered, twisting away from "athan's hand.
"(hat)" "athan took a step ba#k. "(hat, no, I didn't mean it 1"
""o, I know, I 1" I #lut#hed my stoma#h, trying to stop myself from
hyperentilating. "I don't feel so good. I'm sorry, this is wonderful, I
hae to 1"
"Hey, hey, hey." "athan's hands were on my shoulders and there was
nothing I wanted more than to sink into his warmth and forget about
eerything else. "-kay, look, 9ummer, #alm down, I'll drie you home
1"
""o." I pulled away, struggling for air. "I 1 I'll #all you."
I didn't look ba#k to see if he was following as I whirled around and
fled.
!he guilt was a liing thing in my body now. I sneaked past 'nn and
the twins and #urled up in bed again without bothering to remoe the
makeup on my fa#e or the fan#y #lothes. I wished I'd neer been born.
I wished ?a#h had neer #ome ba#k. I wished I hadn't seen /o7anne
making out with "athan and then spilled the beans about it to
eeryone.
I wished I wasn't su#h a selfish, inde#isie, irresponsible loser. I
wished I knew what, e7a#tly, I felt.
"athan made me happy. 9o happy. He was beautiful and sensitie
and #harming and smart and persistent and funny and so, so ni#e to
be with.
?a#h made me #ry and s#ream and rage and laugh until I #ried all
oer again. He was blunt and outrageous and frustrating and hilarious
and being with him was as inigorating as%nothing had eer been
before.
"athan had gien me a wonderful Christmas and set up the perfe#t
first date. ?a#h had a##ompanied me to "ew +ork and gotten me so
used to him that I'd felt unsettled when he was away. 'nd then he'd
kissed me and it had s#rewed with my head. (hen "athan had kissed
me, I'd felt happy.
+es, it was true that thinking of ?a#h set my body tingling and my
brain whirring out of #ontrol> but was that was being in loe was) How
#ould I know) I only had one e7perien#e with being in loe%I had
loed Curtis. Hadn't I) 0ut I hadn't felt for Curtis anything like what I
felt now.
What did I feel now) (hat was I supposed to do) (hat was loe)
How did I figure out how being in loe felt)
I de#ided that I would gie myself the night to wallow in the shame
and misery before I sorted myself out. 9#hool started in two days> I
had forty-eight hours to figure things out with ?a#h and "athan. 3ntil
then I would be with my family, tell them most of what I'd done in "ew
+ork, tell 'nn what "i#ole had said and try to #omfort her about
Hadley, maybe take ,ri#a shopping, dis#uss *ad with Mi#hael. I
needed to be sane again.
I felt lonely and empty and miserable when I woke up, but I ignored it,
thinking up things to do. My room was a mess of ,ri#a's makeup and
tissues. I de#ided to find the in#ensed letter I'd written *ad first and
put it away. It was no use telling him how I felt. I would write him a
thank-you note instead for being so reasonable if I had to get in tou#h
with him. 0ut the enelope wasn't on the floor.
(ondering if I'd stuffed it into my drawers, I went oer to my desk. '
sta#k of photographs tumbled into my lap. I felt si#k to my stoma#h as
I reali2ed that I was looking at /o7anne and Mr Caldwell again.
'bruptly I stood, stuffed the pi#tures under my arm, and hurried out of
my room. !his had to end. "ow.
I didn't #are how thirsty =a22 was for reenge or what /o7anne had
done to me. I was not going to ruin her life or Caldwell's by putting
them up at s#hool, but I was going to use this pi#tures. I was tired of
being abused and trampled under /o7anne's #ostly stilettos. I had
enough drama to lie with without dreading my return to s#hool
be#ause of her.
I'd found /o7anne's address in the s#hool *ire#tory 1 4rin#ipal
Cartwright was the only tea#her with a slot in it 1 and was surprised to
find that her house was only a few streets away from mine. I made a
point of barely registering the massie white pillared-and-turreted
.one With &he Wind-es;ue grandeur of her estate as I stomped up
the winding drie and pounded on the stained-glass door.
' woman in a maid's uniform opened it. "I want to see /o7anne," I
said without preamble.
"Miss (ard)" 4rin#ipal Cartwright appeared behind her, looking
startled.
"I need to talk to your daughter, sir," I said tightly.
"I didn't know you and /o7anne were friends," 4rin#ipal Cartwright
said pleasantly.
I didn't deny or a##ept it. "4lease, sir, it's important."
"(ell, of #ourse." He stood aside. "!hird door on the se#ond floor.
Happy "ew +ear, Miss (ard."
I didn't respond as I swept past him and pounded on the marble
stair#ase. !he third door upstairs had a pi#ture of /o7anne, Chris,
,e, ?a#h and "athan on it> ignoring the pang in my #hest and letting
the fury mount with a kind of satisfa#tion, I ki#ked it open and floun#ed
in.
/o7anne was lying on her massie bed listening to a pink i4od. !he
ordinariness of her a#tiity and the &eans and !hornton sweatshirt she
was wearing fa2ed me a moment 1 I had half e7pe#ted her to be
throwing darts at pi#tures of me #lad in her most e7traagant
underwear. I stopped, the #anopied four-poster bed and small
#handelier and satin sheets finally making a dent in my determination
not to be awed.
"(hat the 1" /o7anne &umped to her feet.
My angry determination restored, I strode forward and slammed the
sta#k of pi#tures down on her bed. 6or a moment she looked down at
=immy Caldwell kissing her bare stoma#h in silen#e.
"I won't show those to your *ad if you stop treating me like shit, gie
=a22 her &ob ba#k and tell her parents you got her ki#ked out of
s#hool," I said bluntly.
/o7anne said nothing. 9he sat ba#k down on her bed and deliberately
#rossed her legs at the ankles.
"(ell)" I snat#hed up the photographs and tu#ked all but one ba#k
into my #oat.
"Well." /o7anne's oi#e was not what I'd e7pe#ted> I was #alm, #ool,
with a tinge of patroni2ing amusement. "9ummer (ard finally grew a
pair."
I told myself to stay #alm. I had the upper hand here.
"9weetie." /o7anne's smile was sa##harine. "8ooks like there's
something I need to show you."
My stoma#h flipped. (hat had I been thinking, trying to outwit
/o7anne Cartwright) -f #ourse she wasn't fa2ed> of #ourse she would
know what to do to bla#kmail me ba#k, wouldn't she)
"+ou #oming)" /o7anne was already at the door.
I li#ked my dry lips and followed, suddenly #ertain that I didn't hae a
#hoi#e. 's she led the way upstairs, my heart s;uee2ed and I
wondered if it was time I started seeing my life flash before my eyes.
(ould 4rin#ipal Cartwright hear me if she tried to kill me and I
s#reamed) (ould I een be able to s#ream)
/o7anne pushed open the first door on the landing. "=a22)" she
#alled.
I felt myself blink. (hat)
"(hat)" =a22's familiar oi#e e#hoed, and then =a22's familiar fa#e
and body were in front of me. 9he looked at me. "-h. Crap."
"=a22)" I said, un#omprehending.
=a22 gae me a shamefa#ed look. "9ummer, I 1"
"(hat 1 I 1 you 1" I looked at /o7anne. "(hat the hell)" I spat.
/o7anne smirked. "8et me tell you a little story, shall I) -n#e upon a
time, there was a ery #lueless young girl who moed from Manhattan
to a ery ri#h town in 1 shall we say "ew =ersey) (ould "ew =ersey
be all right, Mary =ane)"
=a22 dropped her eyes to the floor. /o7anne took this as assent and
#ontinued.
"!here was nothing remarkable about this girl 1 e7#ept her de#en#y
and loyalty and loe for a boy left behind, of #ourse 1 until she
interrupted a make-out session between the two most remarkable
people in town, and when the boy of the duo tried to #harm her into
keeping the session a se#ret, she refused."
My knees were starting to tremble.
"It was the first time the boy had been refused by a girl 1 espe#ially
one so unremarkable 1 and his interest was pi;ued. !he girl he had
kissed 1 let's #all her 'nne 1 #ould see this een when he tried to feed
her a ery random story about taking #are of his reputation by
sedu#ing the frumpy new girl, be#ause she knew him better than she
knew herself. +ou see, the boy seemed to hae a #harmed life, but
'nne knew how affe#ted he had been by his parents' #hoi#e not to be
with ea#h other, by their fights about it, how we went from one girl to
the ne7t looking for what his parents didn't hae, how mu#h he wanted
something meaningful and strong and deep that the new girl seemed
to offer. 'nne saw how he wanted her een more the more she
showed herself to be 'different'."
My knees gae way. I #lut#hed at the wall for support.
"'nne had to see if the new girl really was so ery strong, so ery%"
/o7anne pulled a fa#e. "*e#ent. 9o worth being the boy's girlfriend
and her friend. 9he tried her best to break the girl's resole and make
her go away. 9he needed to see if the girl would sti#k on to 8inbury,
sti#k on to the boy despite how diffi#ult life was made for her. she
passed most of the little tests and suried the bullying, whi#h, of
#ourse, impressed 'nne."
/o7anne took a breath. "9o she set in motion the final plan. !o see
what the girl did in a really sti#ky situation when she was #aught
between her #ons#ien#e, her loyalty, and the easy way out. ' test of
resour#efulness, shall we say."
"+ou're insane," I whispered. "#nsane."
"-h, #ome on, (ard." /o7anne rolled her eyes. "*on't you eer
wonder how #onenient it was) !o find the #ellphone, to get the te7ts)
*idn't you eer wonder that =a22 was always the one to #all Caldwell,
to get the pi#tures)"
My head was spinning.
"-f #ourse, it was lu#ky for me that you were already working with
someone who hated me," /o7anne went on. "'t least of some of what
she told you was true 1 she #ouldn't surie the tests, #ould she) 'll I
had to do was offer to pay her #ollege tuition and gie her a pla#e to
stay. 'nd all she had to do was egg you on and use 4hotoshop to
make *erek :ettering look like =immy Caldwell. I mean, $od.
9leeping with a tea#her is so (isteria 8ane, 9ummer. 9o slea2y and
desperate."
I #ouldn't look at =a22. I &ust #ouldn't.
"9ummer," =a22 said suddenly. "9ummer, I'm sorry. +ou know I
wouldn't hae done any of this if I had a #hoi#e 1 but my parents 1"
"*on't." I for#ed out the word, balling my shaking hands into fists.
"+ou #an stop looking like a dead dog now, 9ummer," /o7anne said.
"I'm pretty impressed, a#tually. I e7pe#ted you to sit on those pi#tures
till they e7ploded from the warmth of your but. -r put them up at
s#hool. 8ike I wouldn't hae showed the eiden#e of 4hotoshop and
gotten you impli#ated. 0ut showing up here with them) !otally
something # would do."
Her praise was like poison. How #ould I hae been so stupid) 9o
easily manipulated) 9o duped)
"How could you)" I bit.
/o7anne's eyes narrowed into slits, but the fear I would hae normally
felt at that kind of e7pression was gone. (hat #ould she do to me
anymore)
!hen she stepped forward, her fa#e suddenly aflame. "!he first word I
eer said was "athan," she hissed, the #omposure gone from her
oi#e. "!he first boy I eer kissed, dan#ed with, had a #rush on, made
friends with, went tri#k-o-treating with, fought with, talked with)
"athan. *reamed about) 9lept with) !rusted) "athan. My first
memory) "athan. *oes that make you see why I'm not going to let
him be with &ust anyone)"
!he for#e of her words took the breath out of my lungs, but it didn't
take away my fury.
""o. "o, I #an't see why. I #an't see what gies you the right to play
$od, to 1"
"(ell, to be perfe#tly fair, it wasn't &ust me." /o7anne steadied herself.
!he smile was ba#k on her fa#e> she ran her fingers gently through
her hair. "=a22 did help. 'nd of #ourse, ?a#h was 1"
"-ach?" 9uddenly eerything around me was spinning out of #ontrol.
"(ell, yeah. He was supposed to make you stop being %$od, I don't
know. Charmed by "athan, I suppose." /o7anne sighed. "He doesn't
like "athan mu#h, so it wasn't like I was asking him to do anything he
1 I suppose I #ould hae pi#ked a more #harming guy, but ?a#h #an
be pretty oerwhelming when he wants to be and I did beliee it was
for "athan's good 1"
""o," I said. !he memories were washing oer me in humiliating,
demorali2ing waes, making me unable to stand anymore. ?a#h
kissing me in 9nellwood, ?a#h's #onstant sneers about "athan,
?a#h's mysterious hints about "athan's past, ?a#h's lips on mine after
I agreed to go out with "athan. ""o!" I shouted.
"-h, stop being so dramati#," /o7anne snapped. "'ren't you hearing
what I'm telling you) I'm going to stop trying to make you miserable.
(e #an be friends now, you #an hae "athan, and if ?a#h and you
are ,riends now 1"
I loed ?a#h. I trusted ?a#h. I #ouldn't beliee /o7anne. I wouldn't
beliee /o7anne. I wouldn't.
I thought of how he'd stood up for me against /o7anne. I thought of
how he'd defended me the day of the s;uash game. I thought of how
he'd asked me to #hoose between him and "athan.
It couldn't be true, it #ouldn't, but what if it was)
I whirled towards the stair#ase. I needed to go home. I would talk to
?a#h. I would #all him, or isit him, or 1
"(here are you going)" /o7anne asked impatiently. "$od, would you
let me finish before you go huffing and puffing around like a drama
;ueen)"
I didn't answer.
I found myself running towards /o#hester Cottage. My lungs hurt from
the #old air and I slipped in the snow a few times, but I barely noti#ed.
I skidded to a stop at the gate. 0e#ause standing at the steps with his
arms #rossed oer his #hest was a familiar dark-haired figure in a
leather &a#ket.
"?a#h," I whee2ed. It felt like an e7plosion in my #hest, my heart.
"-ach."
He raised an eyebrow. I'd missed seeing that e7pression in the past
#ouple of days. "(hat are you, trying to get in shape)"
"!ell me it's not true." I #lut#hed desperately at his arm. "?a#h,
/o7anne was lying, wasn't she)"
"(hat are you talking about)" ?a#h said irritably.
"I'm talking about /o7anne getting you to be ni#e to me so I wouldn't
like "athan," I panted almost in#oherently.
I e7pe#ted him to roll his eyes, or een look enraged. 0erate me
sar#asti#ally for belieing the she-*eil of "ew =ersey. 'sk me
sardoni#ally what # thought.
Instead, his features fro2e into pla#e.
"-h, my $od." I withdrew my suddenly-burning fingers. It felt as if
seeral a7es had all dropped down on me at on#e. I almost gasped in
pain. ""o," I said.
?a#h's fa#e was free of sar#asm. He rea#hed for me and then let his
hand linger in the air. "8ook, kid, I 1"
""o!" I s#reamed. I wanted to s#ream again, s#ream until my heart
stopped feeling like it was #lamped in a i#e. "8eae," I snarled at him.
"9ummer 1"
I darted past him and into the house, slamming the door #losed
behind me. !he sound wasn't loud enough to drown out the s#reams
in my head.
It #ame to me then, the reali2ation that made me double oer in
agony<
I was fooling myself if I thought I didn't hae the most intense kind of
feelings for ?a#h $ellar.
0ut the boy I'd fallen for was #learly not who I thought he was. 'nd I
would neer, eer be with him.



8:. Bome
I toyed with the idea of running away at first. 4a#king my books and
some #lothes and taking off, maybe ba#k to Manhattan, maybe
somewhere mu#h farther away. ' town with lots of people. 4eople I
#ould deal with, people I #ould understand, people who didn't betray
me &ust for fun.
0ut ultimately the thought of staying in bed while the days melted into
darkness and the darkness lightened into eer-gray mornings was far
more tempting.
"9ummer)" 'nn pushed a tentatie head around the door. "9ummer,
honey)"
I didn't speak. I wasn't sure what day or time it was. I was sure I didn't
#are.
'nn walked up to the bed and per#hed on the edge, a steaming mug
held between her hands. "9um)"
"*id you get date-rape 1 ow!" ,ri#a burst into the room, propelled by a
ki#k in the ba#k by ,ri#. "(hat) I totally saw this 8ifetime moie in
whi#h the girl goes on a date with the popular guy and he gets her
drunk and takes adantage of her 1"
I stared at her.
"'nd she #an't get out of bed for days afterwards," ,ri#a rushed on.
"9o) *id "athan try something)"
!his inspired in me a strange urge to throw 'nn's mug at her.
9omehow I hated the idea of anyone thinking that "athan would eer
hurt me.
"(ell, did he)" ,ri#a insisted.
""o," I snapped, surprising myself> from where had I summoned the
energy)
"(hat happened then, sweetie)" 'nn tou#hed my forehead. It stru#k
me as ironi# how our roles had been reersed. Hadn't it been only a
few days ago when she'd been lying around dead to the world and I'd
been the #on#erned, #omforting, adult one)
""othing," I said, shifting #loser to her.
'nn hugged me with one arm. "9ummer, you should eat something.
+ou haen't been out of bed for a whole day. I got you some hot
#ho#olate."
"I don't want hot #ho#olate, I want 1" I heard myself make a funny
#hoking noise, and then the tears were streaking down my fa#e.
"-h, 9ummer." 'nn's other arm wound itself around me. "-h, my
baby."
(hat did I want) I wanted the winter to go away. I wanted "eil ba#k. I
wanted *ad to gie 'nn one of his adoring looks gain. I wanted
Hadley to make fun of CeeCee's faorite moies. I wanted /a#hael to
be my friend again. I wanted to talk to "athan and be on the re#eiing
end of his grin. I wanted ?a#h to be eerything I'd thought he was. I
wanted to be a normal girl in a normal s#hool in a normal town.
I wanted ?a#h.
"Hey." ,ri#a's small hand was on my other side. "Hey, don't #ry."
"Is there someone whose ass needs ki#king)" ,ri# asked fier#ely.
$ine, I thought. I had been the gullible idiot who had belieed I truly
had something on /o7anne. I was the naMe moron who'd thought that
my #onersations with ?a#h meant something, that ?a#h liked my
#ompany, that I was worth being ?a#h's friend, that he was worth my
trust.
How was I supposed to tell them that /o7anne had set me up to see if
I was worth "athan's time) !hat she had paid off my #oworker and
bullied me to make me want reenge) !hat she had organi2ed an
intri#ate set of #lues to make me think she was sleeping with a
tea#her) !hat she had enlisted ?a#h's help to pull me away from
"athan, and that I had fallen for it) !hey were normal people. !hey
wouldn't understand any more than I did.
"9ummer." Mi#hael's arm was firm around my shoulders. "$et up."
"I #an't," I said, blinking tearfully at his determined fa#e.
"+es, you #an." He hoisted me up into a seated position. "Come on."
"(-what)" Could I een walk anymore) "Mi#hael, please 1"
"+ou haen't eaten anything for forty-one hours," Mi#hael said in his
professional tone. "'nn is worried si#k."
My temper flared. "8ike # was worried si#k when she was #atatoni#)"
"(hy are you #atatoni#)" Mi#hael said.
"(hy do you hae to be so &udgmental)" My oi#e was unreasonably
loud. "'nn gets to lose herself for months and I #an't een wallow for
1"
"Has your son been killed in an earth;uake re#ently)" Mi#hael asked
#oolly.
""o, but 1" I set my &aw as my fa#e #ooled. ""o."
"!hen #ome on," Mi#hael said, pulling me gently to my feet. I stumbled
for a moment, feeling di22y, and then leaned against him,
#on#entrating on breathing.
*ownstairs, ,ri# and ,ri#a were wat#hing something on *isney
Channel. ,ri#a looked up with a huge smile as I wobbled in. "Hey, he
got you down. ,ri#, you owe me an hour of K(=9(."
"'w, man," ,ri# groaned. "!here's a 9pielberg interiew then."
"+ou guys hae got to stop betting on me," I muttered. "'nd ,ri#a,
aren't you a little young for a show like that) I'e seen preiews."
,ri#a stu#k her tongue in my dire#tion. "I think I liked you better #rying
and helpless."
My throat felt s#raped raw, as if I'd been omiting for hours on end.
"I'm%sorry."
"(hat happened, e7a#tly)" ,ri#a wanted to know.
"+ou are an insensitie &erk," ,ri# told his sister graely. 9he swatted
his arm.
"Here." 'nn pressed a plate of pasta into my hands. "4lease eat,
9ummer."
"*on't eat too mu#h at a time," Mi#hael warned.
'nn was #ooking again) !he #heesy smell of the pasta ti#kled my
nostrils, and I was staring 1 literally 1 but I didn't mu#h feel like
eating. I took a few bites and gae the pasta ba#k to 'nn, trying not to
mind that they were all wat#hing me.
"Hae a little more," she urged. "*on't you like it)"
"It's great," I assured her. "0ut I'm &ust really tired and I want to go
ba#k to sleep 1"
"*on't een think about it," ,ri#a snapped. "+ou need to get out of the
house."
"I really don't 1"
Mi#hael rewound his arm around my shoulders. "Come on."
!oo drained to argue, I went.
It was #old outside as usual. I ki#ked at the slush on the ground,
feeling my spirits sink een lower. "*o you really want to walk around
here)"
"(hat happened)" Mi#hael asked.
"*oes my oi#e disappear when I say I don't want to talk about it or do
I a##identally say that in 9wahili)" I bit. Mi#hael looked at me. I
lowered my eyes, sighing. "9#hool starts tomorrow."
"'nd that's why you spent the last #ouple of days in bed," Mi#hael
said.
""o, I 1" My eyes pri#kled again. "I &ust #an't deal here, Mi#hael. "ot 1
I feel totally alone."
"(hy)" Mi#hael said.
"I #an't e7plain." I mat#hed his e7pressionless tone.
"Can't or wont)"
"I'm &ust not ready to talk about it, okay)"
Mi#hael lowered himself to the ground, seemingly obliious to the wet
snow. "-kay."
I flopped into the snow, too, and stret#hed out hori2ontally. 'fter a
moment Mi#hael did the same. (e lay there until our #lothes were
soaked and my nose felt as if it had disappeared from my fa#e and I
felt a little less sleepy and a little hungrier.
!he !. was still fli#kering inside, but ,ri# and ,ri#a were no longer in
front of it. 'nn wasn't in the kit#hen. I looked at Mi#hael. "!hink the
Martians paid us a isit)" I deadpanned.
""o," Mi#hael said. "8et's go upstairs."
I tried to feel #urious as I followed him to my room. Mi#hael nudged
the door open. I took a few steps inside and stopped, my &aw hitting
the floor.
"9urprise!" ,ri#a's grin was the si2e of !e7as.
I looked around, utterly da2ed. My on#e-bare walls were plastered
with posters of my faorite books and moies. !he empty-&ust-
minutes-ago book#ase now held the old books and C*s I hadn't
bothered to unpa#k from the bo7es in the atti#> my desk had a new
pink pen#il holder with markers and pens already in it and a pi#ture
frame that displayed a brand-new 4olaroid of 'nn and the twins. ,en
the white sheets had been #hanged to orange ones with yellow polka
dots and 'nn was in the middle of putting up a bulletin board in one
#orner with nothing but a +ale pennant I'd neer seen before in it.
I looked at ,ri#a, then Mi#hael, then ,ri#, sho#ked into
spee#hlessness.
"(e didn't gie you a Christmas present, so%" ,ri# shrugged, playing
it #ool.
"Is it okay)" 'nn asked an7iously.
"*o you like it)" ,ri#a demanded. "+ou do, right) I thought we should
use summer #olors '#ause of your name."
I burst into tears.
"-h, honey," 'nn said hastily. "9ummer, if you don't like it, we #an
#hange it ba#k, we &ust thought we needed to start treating this pla#e
like home, *r 9teele said that's healthy, and we &ust figured you #ould
use a little pi#k-me-up, we were worried 1"
"+ou guys are unbelieable," I sobbed. "I loe you all so mu#h."
"!old you she'd like it," ,ri#a said smugly.
"+ou did not," ,ri# snapped.
"It's in#redible," I said.
It was. It really was. I was lu#ky, I was so lu#ky and so grateful, and
most of all, I was really not alone.
I put my arms around 'nn, tu#king my head into the #rook of her arm.
"!hank you," I said. "!hank you so mu#h."
"+ou're totally wel#ome," ,ri#a said, &oining in the hug with no
prompting. I laughed a little and stret#hed out a hand to my brothers.
(e stood together in silen#e for a minute. I saored the moment with
my whole heart.
"(ill you eat something now)" Mi#hael said, pe#king the top of my
head.
"(e should get that -reos #ereal," ,ri# suggested. "+ou know, the
one with the marshmallows you basi#ally would eat een after a ten-
#ourse !hanksgiing dinner)"
"!here's something I need to do first," I said, pi#king up my #ell. I
knew what the s#reen would say be#ause I'd #he#ked it on#e in the
bathroom. @ $issed "alls/ 'll, I knew, from "athan.
"one from ?a#h, but I wouldn't let myself think about that. I wouldn't
let myself think about ?a#h $ellar anymore.
+es, I was not alone. 'nd I needed to go talk to the person who had
been there from the beginning.
I didn't desere "athan, that mu#h I knew. I #ared about "athan, I was
attra#ted to "athan, and that remained a fa#t no matter what too-big-
for-my-body feelings I had for ?a#h. I #ould make "athan happy. 0ut
did I desere to) (ould he let me anymore) Had he reali2ed what a
waste of time I was) I hoped we #ould at least talk. I wouldn't e7pe#t
anything more.
"+ou're making a habit of showing up here with these hangdog
e7pressions," .i remarked, sliding the door of the (ellington house
open.
I flushed. "!his is the last time you'll see this e7pression, I swear." -ne
way or another.
.i grinned. "'s long as it's not the last time I see you. How hae you
been, 9ummer)"
I #ould feel it in my stoma#h, a growing impatien#e to see her son.
"6ine. 3m, I'd loe to talk, but #ould we 1"
"I'm tempted to make you sit here for the ne7t hour &ust for that, but I
won't be #ruel." .i made a sweeping gesture with her arm. ""ate's in
his room."
"!hank you," I said, moing past her with a smile.
I kno#ked on "athan's door and pushed it open, afraid of waiting for a
response. He was sitting on his bed with a laptop on his lap and
looked up when I entered, our eyes lo#king.
I raised a hand to my hair, wishing I'd looked in a mirror first. "Hi."
He didn't look parti#ularly surprised to see me. "Hi."
"Can I #ome in)" I asked.
"!hat depends," "athan said slowly. "'t whi#h point in our
#onersation are you going to run off today)"
I sighed. ""athan, I'm really sorry." (hy did I hae to keep hurting the
one de#ent guy I knew) !he one who a#tually tried to make me
happy)
"athan studied my fa#e for a minute. "I don't get what I'm doing
wrong," he said ;uietly.
""othing," I said, adan#ing towards him. I made a de#ision< if there
was any #han#e that "athan still liked me, I would do eerything in my
power to make him happy. "+ou're doing nothing wrong. It was me
who 1 I guess I got s#ared."
"(hat do I need to do to #onin#e you that I'm not the bad guy here)"
"athan said, sounding frustrated.
"I know you're not the bad guy here," I said. "0eliee me, I know that. I
guess%I'm the bad guy here."
"athan's fingers gra2ed my wrist and tightened around my palm. "I
wish I #ould beliee that."
6eeling a tiny fli#ker of hope, I sat beside him, letting our knees tou#h.
"I'm sorry, "athan. !hat date%what you planned%it was &ust
phenomenal and%"
"*o you like me, 9ummer)" "athan broke in.
I met his eyes. I did. "o matter what I felt towards ?a-anyone else, no
matter how #onfused I was> if there was one thing I knew, it was that I
liked "athan (ellington. "4retty mu#h eer sin#e you kissed me at
your house and then showed up at mine #laiming it wasn't publi#
enough."
"athan #ra#ked a smile. "$ood times, huh)"
I looked down at our linked hands. "I don't know," I said. ""ow's
looking pretty good too."
"athan tugged at my hand. I let out a surprised s;ueak as I fell
forward, head-first, into his #hest. "I know what you mean," he said,
his oi#e full of muffled laughter.
I felt engulfed in a #o#oon of warmth, a se#ure pla#e where nobody
#ould hurt me. !he warmth spread from my heart to my fa#e to the pit
of my stoma#h. 6or on#e I wasn't thinking of anyone else, or worrying,
or hurting. I felt free, free of any barriers I had eer had with "athan.
Impulsiely I flung my arms around my ne#k and lifted my fa#e from
his wool sweater.
"I like it when you're all playful," I said breathlessly.
"athan grinned. "I like it when you throw yourself at me like that."
I poked the side of his ne#k with my pointer finger. "I'm serious. +ou'e
always been so #areful around me after you pi#ked me up at
9nellwood that day."
"I don't want to pressure you," "athan said ;uietly. "In #ase it isn't
obious, I'd like us to be%us."
"How ery elo;uent for a priate s#hool boy," I teased.
"athan's arms #losed around my waist. "*o I get to kiss you in private
now)"
"(hat's in it for me)" I #o#ked my head.
"athan didn't answer. "ot erbally. 9lowly, erbally, he brushed a
finger a#ross my #heek. My heart #len#hed as he lowered his mouth
to mine.
(e remained with our lips hoering ne7t to ea#h other's for a moment.
(ith rising impatien#e I lifted my hand to his head, smashing our
fa#es together. "athan laughed, the moement sending a rumble
deep in my stoma#h, before deepening the kiss. His tongue tra#ed the
edge of my lower lip before he #losed his mouth again.
I pulled away. "!ease," I panted.
"=ust making sure you really want it," "athan deadpanned. He winked,
a big #heesy wink that made my heart flutter and my fa#e split into an
e;ually big #heesy grin.
I #lut#hed the edges of his sweater and pulled him into my body,
thrusting my tongue into his mouth. His hand #radled the ba#k of my
head as he kissed me ba#k, a little more aggressiely this time.
It didn't send a wae of feeling big enough to kno#k me out #oursing
through my body. 0ut it made me feel giddy from the sheer niceness
of it. It felt like rainbows and flowers and sunshine and his lips tasted a
little like #ho#olate.
"Hey, "ate, you want to 1" !he door &erked open. "-h, $od," a female
oi#e said.
"athan and I broke apart.
"I'm so sorry," 9haya said, lifting her eyebrows at her half-brother.
It was an e7pression that made me think of ?a#h. !he giddiness
#rashed into nothing.
"+ou'd better hae something earthshatteringly important to say,"
"athan said.
9haya #rossed her arms oer her #hest. "I guess you forgae her for
running out on your date."
"athan looked at me. "'re all little sisters this annoying)"
I smiled, the warm feeling returning to my #hest. "!hey hae their
adantages," I said, thinking of ,ri#a's earsplitting grin when she'd
presented my improed room.
"4lease don't make gooey eyes at ea#h other while I'm in the room,"
9haya pleaded.
"!hen don't be in the room." "athan smirked at her.
I sma#ked his arm. "9orry," I said to 9haya.
9he rolled her eyes. "(hateer," she said, grinning. "I'll tell eeryone
to stay away from here for the ne7t hour. !hat enough time)"
"(hat do you think)" "athan asked me seriously.
"+ou reali2e this isn't, like, the last day of our life, right)" I smiled> it
was like I #ouldn't help myself when I was around "athan.
He slung an arm around me. "Make it two hours," he told 9haya, still
ery serious. "=ust in #ase," he added to me.
"-f #ourse," I said, &ust graely.
9haya rolled her eyes, still grinning, and e7ited, slamming the door
shut behind her.
"9o." "athan turned to me, waggling his eyebrows with e7aggerated
las#iiousness.
"9o." I leaned in again, #aught myself. I didn't want anything to intrude
on the happy little bubble I felt ens#on#ed in, but there was something
I needed to ask him. "!here's something we need to talk about."
"!hat sounds mildly ominous." "athan pulled me gently forward until I
was sitting inside the fortress of his arms again. I felt a twinge of
nerousness before remembering 1 this was athan.
"I was talking to /o7anne," I began, pushing eerything but the words
to the ba#k of my mind. I was not going to tell him what had happened
with /o7anne two days ago> it was still too messy and raw to go into,
and I wouldn't let it matter, not when I had "athan.
"!alking to /o7anne)" "athan e#hoed in#redulously.
"9he said some things." I swallowed. "'bout you."
"athan tensed, shifting away &ust a little bit. "*o you still not trust m 1"
"'bout your parents," I added ;ui#kly.
"-h)" "athan said tonelessly.
I pla#ed my palm on his forearm. "9he said you were bothered by the
fa#t that your parents neer got married. !hat they fought about it.
!hat the reason you go from girl to girl is be#ause you were looking
for what they neer had."
"Ro6anne said all this to you)"
"I think that /o7anne," I said, be#ause this part was true, no matter
what /o7anne had done or would do to me, "I know that /o7anne
#ares about you so mu#h that she'd do the #ra2iest things to prote#t
you."
"athan stared at me.
"(hat)" I said, a little self-#ons#iously.
"+ou are a ery surprising person." "athan moed #loser, brushing his
lips a#ross my forehead.
I #urled my fingers around the nape of his ne#k. "I know what you
mean now, sti#king to /o7anne the way you do."
"!ow did you guys end up talking)" "athan looked baffled.
"I guess she saw that I truly like you and de#ided to help me out," I
said. It was a lie, but I wouldn't tell him the whole story. I #ouldn't.
"athan sear#hed my eyes. "Care to elaborate)"
"Can I do that later)" I asked.
"I%" "athan sighed. I knew he wasn't going to push me, be#ause he
was #onsiderate and #aring and far, far ni#er than I desered. "-kay."
"+ou don't hae to talk about your parents," I offered.
"athan pressed his fa#e into my shoulder. "+ou really want to know)"
"If you want to tell me," I said, putting my hand atop his soft hair.
"-kay," "athan's lips moed against my shoulder. He lifted his head.
"+ou know my father got my Mom pregnant right after high s#hool. My
mom is totally pro-#hoi#e now, but ba#k then she was basi#ally this
hippie #hi#k who wouldn't kill a s#orpion about to sting her. 0ut my
grandparents were best friends, so she had to moe in with my *ad to
hae me, een though they weren't in loe and they kept arguing."
I nodded.
"He kept asking her to marry him, be#ause, you know, a (ellington
being born out of wedlo#k was pretty mu#h not okay. 0ut to my Mom,
lifelong #ommitment without loe was &ust as in#omprehensible. 9o
she turned him down eery time. My grandparents kept pressuring
her, too, and by the time I was one, she got fed up with it. 9he ran off
to .eni#e with /aine."
My mouth fell open. !his part of the story had been left out the day I'd
been told of "athan's family history.
"My grandparents had to go to Italy and bring Mom ba#k. 9he #ame
ba#k, but /aine #ame with her. 'unt Charl basi#ally brought me up 1
my Mom was really, well, depressed while I was growing up and I
guess she kind of resented me and my *ad. !hey used to fight about
me a lot. (ords like accident and no college education and liability got
tossed around a lot."
6eeling an unreasonable surge of hatred against .i, I wrapped my
arms around "athan silently.
"'unt Charl had this way of #heering me up." "athan smiled slightly.
"9he'd tell me fairytales where the girl res#ued the guy from his
i#ious stepmother. I guess I grew up looking for my 4rincess
Charming, you know) I always wanted the kind of relationship where
the girl would &ump for &oy if the guy asked her to marry him."
I tightened my arms, not sure what to say.
"I guess all the girls I knew disgusted me," "athan said, a #atharti#
look on his fa#e. ""one of them wanted or een knew me, you know)
!hey were all &ust really easy. 9uperfi#ial. !hey'd lie, and fawn oer
me on the first date, and strip in the%" He looked at me guiltily.
"9orry."
I rolled my eyes. "'nd I was a #hallenge. Hello, teen moie."
"+ou're smart," "athan said. "+ou're not superfi#ial. +ou're brae, and
you tease me, and you ask me ;uestions, and you're real."
"I always thought real was a euphemism for ugly," I said, flushing.
"+ou use words like euphemism when I'm trying to flirt." "athan
tapped my nose. "'nd you're the #utest girl I'e eer seen, be#ause
you #an look haughty een in sneakers."
I tra#ed a finger down his #hin. "(hy didn't you tell me about your
parents before)"
"0e#ause I figured it doesn't matter. (hen I was fie or so, Mom and
*ad de#ided not being together was okay, and it &ust #li#ked after that,
you know) My mom adores me know. I know I make her proud and I
know she would do anything for me. (e're all happy. I like being
happy 1 it's seriously underrated." He paused deliberately. "'lso,
you'e neer made out with me before."
My heart felt like lead> he #ouldn't hae made me feel more ashamed
of myself if he'd tried. ""athan," I said seriously. "'re you sure about
me)" I would deal with it if he wasn't> the thought of it made my heart
sink een lower, but I #ould heal my heart 1 someday 1 and I #ould
neer deal with disappointing him.
"(hat do you think)" "athan tilted his head.
"I think that I don't desere to be with you," I said honestly.
"*o you think that I desere to be happy)" "athan said.
"More than anything," I whispered.
"!hen be with me," "athan said simply.
I leaned into him, a#;uies#ing without a word. His arms wound
themseles around my waist again, and I #losed my eyes, owing to
myself that this was where I would be as long as he wanted me there.
!ome, I thought.
"+o, 9um, you'e got mail," ,ri#a hollered from her room.
I slipped my rumpled uniform oer my head, franti#ally flipping through
the books on my desk to lo#ate my 0io notebook. I #ouldn't beliee I'd
forgotten to set my alarm the night before. I was going to be ery, ery
late for my first day ba#k at !hornton.
"Here." ,ri#a bounded in and slapped an enelope on my desk.
I spun around. "'ren't you going to be #old in that skirt)" I pi#ked up
the enelope, sear#hing for my bla2er, and stopped when I re#ogni2ed
*ad's handwriting on it. "(hat's this)"
"I guess it's the answer to your letter," ,ri#a said idly. "*oes your
hairdryer not work)"
""o, I 1 what letter)" 6ra22led, I stuffed the enelope into my po#ket
and looked at myself in the mirror. My hair looked okay, but maybe I
#ould &ust skip a proper breakfast and do something with my fa#e.
"!he thing I found on your floor when I was in your room that day with
*ad on the #oer," ,ri#a responded impatiently, pi#king a tube of
lipgloss out of her suede &a#ket and dabbing some on my lips.
"(hat thi 1 " I stopped #old. "-h, no," I breathed, remembering the
hastily-s#ribbled words I'd written in my response to *ad's #old note.
"-h, shit."
Had *ad a#tually responded) (as he about to order me to moe in
with him) (hy #ouldn't I remember e7a#tly what I'd said to him) I tore
the enelope again and e7tra#ted the letter with fumbling hands,
forgetting about how late I was going to be.
)ear Summer,# was under the impression that you absolutely hate me
and cannot bear to live with me/ # thought you would be happy that #
would, as you instructed me to, leave you alone/ # see now that
nothing # do will please you, will it?# do love you/ # am your ,ather/ +ut
# don't know what to do or say to please you/
Frank/
My stoma#h #len#hed as I re-read the words. My father had a#tually
listened to me, #onsidered the words I'd written. !here was a note of
sadness in his letter that surprised me. I blew out a sigh, reali2ing that
he did #are. Maybe we #ould use the distan#e from ea#h other to
#ommuni#ate. Maybe he would listen if I wrote to him how I felt.
"Hello)" ,ri#a said loudly. ",yeliner or eyeshadow)"
"I%" !he doorbell rang. I stuffed the letter into my po#ket 1 I would
reply to it, #onsider what I said 1 and &umped up. "9hit, I am so late!"
"-h, for $od's sake, eye makeup is worth it," ,ri#a said, but I was
already running outside.
"Hello, "athan," I heard 'nn say downstairs, a trifle shyly. "(ould you
like some breakfast)"
My heart soared. I hadn't asked "athan to pi#k me up before s#hool,
but the fa#t that he had #ome anyway droe all the nerousness and
dread out of my stoma#h. He looked so adorably big standing in the
kit#hen that I #ouldn't stop myself from sneaking up from behind and
pe#king him on the side of his fa#e.
"$ood morning," he said, breaking into a smile as he swung his arm
#hastely around my shoulders.
I wanted to giggle like the girl in the !igh School $usical moies ,ri#a
was so fond of. "(e're going to be so late."
'nn, who was eating #ereal, smiled brightly at me. "-ersleep mu#h)"
,ri# said, pouring himself a glass of orange &ui#e.
"$loat oer your s#hool starting half an hour after mine mu#h)" I
retorted. "'nn, would it be okay if I &ust had an apple) 3nless "athan,
you want 1"
"I ate already," "athan said. "!hanks, though, 'nn."
"*on't make a habit of eating less than a full breakfast," Mi#hael
admonished.
"-kay, *r (ard." I tugged on "athan's arm. "(e should go."
"+ou look happy," "athan #ommented, following me.
I smiled at him oer my shoulder. ""ow I am."
0ut the nearer "athan's 4ors#he got to s#hool, the more pani#ky I felt.
I wasn't ready to see ?a#h again 1 I #ould only hope I wouldn't fall
apart when I did. !rying to #alm down, I put my hand on "athan's
shoulder, glorying in how natural it felt, and turned up the olume of
the song he'd put on.
"(hat's this)" I asked.
"+ou really are illiterate." "athan rolled his eyes. "Come on, you'e
really neer heard of Colby Cailat's +attle)"
"!hat's what I keep you around for," I &oked. I listened to the words for
a moment. #t was a trial, we made a mistake # know1 "(here I #ome
from, guys listen to rap."
"athan lifted one hand off the wheel and &abbed my shoulder. "(here
I #ome from, girls don't listen to Mo2art."
"Must be why we're together," I said mo#k-seriously. My stoma#h was
starting to tighten again> I wished I #ould &ust stop the #ar and walk
away, go to 8inbury Central with the twins.
"I think it's &ust be#ause we're both #ompletely adorable," "athan
deadpanned, pulling his #ar into the parking lot of !hornton.
I entwined my fingers with his in preparation as I looked around. =ust
like my first day, eery s;uare #entimeter of area around me was
#ho#k-full of tanned, beautiful, buff people. 3nlike the first day,
howeer, eeryone was dressed in the latest winter fashions> also
unlike the first day, eery single eye was on me. "ot a soul stirred, not
a word was spoken as "athan braked in the suddenly deafening
silen#e.
I looked up at "athan in bewilderment. "(hy are they 1"
His lips des#ended down on mine, #utting me off. Instantly I felt
#o#ooned, sheltered.
"athan broke the kiss and rested his forehead against mine. "!his is
pretty mu#h why."
I didn't understand.
"!e's dating her)" ' s#ree#h rang out from two #ars away. Instantly a
babble of oi#es started up in eery dire#tion, my fa#e turning red as I
#omprehended it<
I wasn't &ust 9ummer, girlfriend of "athan. I was 9ummer (ard,
s#holarship student and enemy of /o7anne, dating "athan
(ellington, :ing of !hornton '#ademy.
"-h," I breathed.
"athan tou#hed my fa#e, ignoring the bu22 rising and falling around
us. "Is that okay) I know it an be kind of weird. I'm pretty used to
being talked about, but 1"
I looked down at our intertwined fingers. He was worth it. !his was
worth it. "I think," I said, "that I #an deal with it."
"athan smiled warmly. "!here might be, um, death threats in the girls'
bathroom."
"(ell, then." I steadied myself. "+ou should gie me something as
#ompensation."
' #herry-red 'udi roared into the parking spa#e beside us and 9haya
leaped out, her fa#e the #olor of the #ar. "=esus, "ate, you &ust ran off
this morning like someone lit your pants on fire 1" 9he stopped,
looked around. "(hy is eerybody staring at us)"
"I heard," a loud whisper rose aboe the rest, "that she's his daughter,
they had se7 when he was like two 1 "
I felt myself flush. 9haya's eyes widened. "(hoeer that was, I heard
you!"
"athan was grinning as he opened his #ar door for me. I stepped out,
trying to look as unfa2ed as he did, and waited as 9haya s#urried to
my other side. "(hat's going on)" 9haya whispered.
"=ust follow my lead," "athan instru#ted, keeping a hold on my hand.
My skin pri#kled from the relentless staring as the three of us started
what felt like the million-mile-long walk to the main s#hool building.
!he whispers that o##asionally floated oer to my ears didn't help
either.
"I heard he married her in Italy '#ause she, like, put a spell on him."
"*o you think they're haing a threesome)""I heard they adopted her
in Italy.""9he looks prettier than her. 9he totally looks Italian.""He is so
hot, why is he still so hot)""(ho cares about 'spen, &ust look at those
shoes%"
"(hat the hell)" 9haya hissed to her brother. "*o they do this often)"
":ind of." "athan shrugged. "(e get a lot of 1"
""atie!" My heart gae a thump. /o7anne was running towards us
from the side, her silky hair streaming out behind her. I immediately
felt a pang of inade;ua#y amidst the roiling mess of emotions in my
stoma#h as she tossed her arms around "athan's ne#k. "I missed
you!" she s;uealed.
!he bu22ing intensified.
"athan laughed, #utting his eyes in my dire#tion apologeti#ally. ""eed
to breathe, /o7."
9he let go and pouted at him, #asting her ga2e at 9haya. ",7#use
me," she snapped, giing her the on#e-oer I had learned to dread.
"'re you lost or &ust surgi#ally glued to my friend's arm)"
9haya didn't shrink the way I would hae. 9he took in /o7anne's
shrunken bla2er and short skirt with an admirably #alm smirk and said,
"'re you lost or are you &ust looking for dire#tions to the whorehouse)"
9omeone in the #rowd gasped. I felt near-hysteri#al.
/o7anne's eyes narrowed. "-kay, you didn't 1"
"/o7y," "athan interrupted, "meet my sister."
/o7anne stopped mid-senten#e. !here was an astonished pause as
she and the #rowd regrouped.
"9ummer!" /o7anne whirled abruptly. I blinked, my mouth falling open
as /o7anne heaed her arms around my ne#k. "How has (inter
0reak been for you)"
!he bu22ing started up again, een louder.
I met "athan's ama2ed eyes. "3h," I spluttered.
"+ou look great," /o7anne beamed, letting go of me and looking
almost maternally from me to "athan. "+ou and "athan hae a good
effe#t on ea#h other, it seems. I'll see you guys at lun#h, right) Hae a
fun first day!"
9he des#ended into the #rowd, a spring in her step, #alling out names
at random and hugging awed-looking students like a gra#ious 5ueen.
"athan, 9haya and I stood still, staring after her.
"(ho," 9haya said finally, slitting her eyes, "is that)"
"!hat," I said, shellsho#ked, "is /o7anne Cartwright."
I kept my eyes on "athan as we walked on, determined to stop myself
from s#anning the halls for ?a#h no matter how strong the urge to do
so was.
9haya had been assigned to the same homeroom as "athan and me.
' hushed silen#e fell oer Mrs Montgomery's #lassroom as we
entered. 0la#k0errys were whipped out, #ell phone keyboards tapped
on, 4alm 4ilots flourished, and aid glan#es #ast at the three of us. '
#ouple of girls I'd neer talked to before smiled ingratiatingly at me. I
went to my assigned seat at the ba#k, grateful that "athan's last name
was alphabeti#ally #lose to mine.
"Hi, 9ummer. "athan." Chris grinned happily at us from his desk.
"How's it going)"
,e tu#ked a strand of her perfe#tly-in-pla#e golden hair behind a
perfe#tly-shaped ear. "(e missed you in Milan, "athan."
"athan kissed her #heek and shared a ;ui#k fist-bump with Chris. "I
didn't parti#ularly want a repeat of the marathon shopping-bag-
#arrying session you girls made us do last year, did you, Christopher)"
"Hi, 9haya," the girls who had smiled at me #alled to "athan's sister.
9haya looked a little worried. "How do you know my name)"
"How #ould we not know "athan (ellington's sister's name)" !he
taller of the girls said eagerly.
Chris nodded sagely at his phone. "It's all oer the airwaes, man." He
looked at me. "(hen were you going to tell us that 9ummer is your
girlfriend now)"
I felt myself blush. "It's only been a day."
9haya tou#hed my shoulder, drawing my attention to herself. "(hy are
people I don't know talking to me about my faorite #olor)" she asked
me, lowering her oi#e.
"I loe your sneakers, 9ummer," a redhead from the fifth row #alled.
"'re you haing a ba#k-to-s#hool party)" !he taller of the girls asked
9haya.
I felt #ompletely bewildered and out of my depth. !his might hae
been a good thing be#ause it kept my mind off ?a#h, but I was almost
relieed when /o7anne sauntered in and dropped down on my desk.
"(hat is this, a press #onferen#e)" she snapped at the girls.
!hey turned ba#k around, blushing furiously.
"(as that really ne#essary)" 9haya asked, ;uirking an eyebrow.
/o7anne ignored her, air-kissing ,e and Chris. "'re your #omments
really ne#essary)" she said to 9haya. "Hey, 9ummer. +ou think we
should hae a ba#k-to-s#hool party)"
It was ama2ing. /o7anne had found a new target.
"Maybe we should take you shopping first," /o7anne mused. "$et rid
of those grungy sneakers. 'nd get your uniform to my tailor 1"
-r maybe not.
"8ay off my girlfriend," "athan said, &ust as 9haya said, "I think
9ummer looks fine."
/o7anne smiled sweetly at her. "-f #ourse you would."
"*o you hae a problem with my #lothes)" 9haya stood up, a
belligerent look on her fa#e. Heads swieled in our dire#tion again.
"/o7y," "athan said, sighing.
/o7anne shrugged. "Hey, I'm not the one who's wearing a si2e made
for a pregnant woman."
"I'm not the one who looks like she's gagging for a frat boy to kno#k
her up," 9haya retorted.
!hey regarded ea#h other.
"(el#ome ba#k, eerybody!" Mrs Montgomery shuffled briskly into the
room, effe#tiely ending the #onersation.
*espite my disorientation, despite how ill-e;uipped I felt to deal with
the insane power struggles at !hornton, despite how my heart
thudded in e7pe#tation of ?a#h eery time the door opened, I felt
myself smile in fas#ination. It was going to be an interesting semester.
(hile Mrs Montgomery took roll #all, talked about the up#oming
eents at !hornton, and distributed house points, I eyed the door.
?a#h was in a different homeroom and I dreaded seeing him, but I
#ouldn't kno#k off the ridi#ulous e7pe#tation that he would walk
through the door at any moment. I felt anger grow at my self> why was
I so hung up on a boy who'd all but physi#ally stabbed me) *idn't I
hae enough to worry about, what with /o7anne's sudden oertures
and the attention of eery single student in s#hool) *idn't I hae the
most wonderful relationship imaginable) !hings were finally looking
up> why did I hae to #ompli#ate them now)
I looked at "athan out of the #orner of my eye. He was listening to
Mrs Montgomery with an absorbed e7pression. 's if sensing my ga2e,
he shot me a ;ui#k grin before s#ribbling something in his notebook. I
was lu#ky to hae a boyfriend who was so inoled in s#hool.
!he dread flared up in my stoma#h again as the bell rang for first
period and eerybody got up. (hat if I e7ited the #lassroom and ?a#h
was standing outside) (ould I start sobbing outright) (ould my
knees gie way)
"(hat do you hae for first period)" 9haya asked me.
"(ant me to walk you to 0io)" /o7anne offered.
I blinked at both of them. ,e and Chris aligned themseles ne7t to
/o7anne> the girls /o7anne had snapped at loomed out of nowhere
and flanked 9haya, who gae them a dis#on#erted look but didn't say
anything.
"I think I'm going to look for my books and stuff first," I said lamely.
"If you're sure." /o7anne patted my head before taking off, hips
swinging from side to side.
9haya rolled her eyes. "I hae 'rt History."
"(e'll take you," one of the girls breathed enthusiasti#ally. 9haya
looked baffled as the shorter one slung her arm through hers,
dragging her away.
"athan was still standing at my desk, looking bemused. "(hat &ust
happened)"
"/o7anne doesn't seem to like your sister mu#h," I said easiely.
"9he seems ery fond of you," "athan said.
I stood on my tiptoes, brushing my lips a#ross his #heek. "#'m ery
fond of you."
"athan raised his eyebrows. "(ant to skip first period and make out in
my #ar)"
I let out a laugh. (ith "athan there, it was easy not to worry. 'bout
anything. !hen I #aught sight of three girls standing in the doorway,
looking at us with hungry interest. "(e hae an audien#e."
"athan sighed without glan#ing ba#kwards. "(e will make out in my
#ar one day." He took my hand. "6or now, I #ould &ust walk you to
#lass."
"*on't you hae '4 4hysi#s in, oh, the other side of the building from
0io II)" I said. !here was nothing I wanted more to be sheltered by
"athan's presen#e as I walked from #lass to #lass, but I knew I
#ouldn't ask him for it. "$o before you get *etention."
"+ou sure you'll be okay)" "athan asked #on#ernedly.
"I will," I said. It sounded like a promise.
He ba#ked away. !he three girls stood aside to let him go, and he
gae me his irresistible grin as he e7ited the #lassroom.
I pi#ked up my 0io book and walked forward. I wasn't sure what I
would do if the girls didn't moe, but lu#kily, they did. I felt their eyes
on my ba#k een as I moed away. (ould I really be able to deal with
this, day in and day out, for the ne7t two years) Maybe I would hae
to ask /o7anne to walk me to #lass from now on, or get my s#hedule
#hange to mirror 9haya's.
I was too fo#used on aoiding anyone's eyes to noti#e that the door of
the 9tudent Coun#il 8ounge was a&ar as I moed past it. (hat
happened ne7t was too fast and sudden for me to rea#t in any form<
'n arm shot out behind the door and yanked me into the room. 0efore
I #ould yelp out in protest or alert anyone outside to my presen#e, the
door #rashed shut behind me.
I spun around.



8;. ?l#morous
?l#morous D-ergieE
/o7anne fa#ed me, shoulder-to-shoulder with ,e and :arin (u like
they were three flawless $enerals in battle. -r three de#eptiely
angeli#-looking wit#hes about to pour pig's blood oer, well, me. I felt
both #ornered and supremely unsurprised> I had sub#ons#iously been
e7pe#ting /o7anne to resurre#t her eilness all day. 0ut I #ouldn't stop
the fli#ker of unease in the pit of my stoma#h.
"(hat," /o7anne demanded, #rossing her arms oer her #hest, "is
wrong with you)"
I was suddenly, abruptly furious. "Me) (hat's wrong with me) I'm not
the one who tortures people and then sets up plans to test their worth!
I'm not the one ambushing and dragging people into 9tudent Coun#il
lounges!"
"I offered to be your friend, 9ummer," /o7anne said, unperturbed by
my outburst. "Can you e7plain why you don't seem to want me on
your side) -r why you don't seem to be on my side)"
I raised my head, #hanneling my inner 9haya. "Isn't it obious)"
/o7anne sighed. ""o. "ot really."
I looked her in the eye. "+ou are a manipulatie, power-hungry,
dupli#itous, selfish, s#heming, plotting, downright mean bit#h."
"'nd that makes you want me as an enemy why)" /o7anne said
#asually.
I #losed my mouth, thrown off balan#e. "8ook, I'm not sear#hing for
some kind of ally," I said finally. "I mean, what #an you do to me)
Make hurtful #omments, e7pose my family, try to destroy my
relationship with "athan) 0e#ause I'm pretty mu#h used to that."
/o7anne smirked. "Co#ky, are we)"
"/o7anne, #ome on." I eyed the door, whi#h one of the girls who had
stared me and "athan down after Homeroom was guarding. "4lease
&ust let me go."
"9ee, 9ummer, I #an't do that." /o7anne glan#ed at the two girls by
her side. "I #an't let you brush my offers of friendship off or leae you
alone. ,e, would you #are to e7plain why)"
,e studied me e7pressionlessly with her spe#ta#ularly large eyes.
"+ou don't seem to reali2e, 9ummer, that you are now a #ard-#arrying
member of our group."
"0ut I 1" I swallowed. "I don't 1"
""athan's dating you," :arin e7plained eagerly, "and as his girlfriend,
you're totally one of the #oolest people on #ampus. !otally good #all
on the sneakers, by the way 1 you're going for a grungy too-ri#h-to-
#are ibe, right)"
"(hat :arin means to say," ,e broke in, as /o7anne threw :arin a
half-murderous, half-disgusted glare, "is that you're now one of the
most high-profile girls at !hornton. 'nd as su#h, you hae an image to
represent."
(hat had I gotten myself into) I was absolutely out of my depth here.
I wore pa&amas, not silk lingerie, to bed> I liked eating &unk food while
skimming =ane 'usten stories> I preferred a ;uiet night reading to
attending some glamorous out-of-#ontrol party I wouldn't know how to
a#t at> I wasn't some sort of gorgeous, #onfident I#e 5ueen who
people #ould look up to and emulate. I was dating "athan be#ause I
liked him, not as a means to starring in some warped ersion of
"inderella.
"(e are not asking for mu#h," ,e said. "9imply that you dress a little
better, parti#ipate in some e7tra#urri#ulars, sit with us at 8un#h, show
up at our parties and in general allow us to be your friends."
!ears pri#ked my eyes. "0ut 1"
"'w, did we oerwhelm the sophomore)" /o7anne said silkily.
I glowered at her. "Friends don't try to di#tate ea#h other's lies and
habits, /o7anne. 6riends don't hae rules for friendship. 6riends don't
1"
"'nd you know what friends do how)" /o7anne inter&e#ted. "+ou don't
e7a#tly hae any."
I pursed my lips in un#ertainty. 9he was right, #onsidering that my
'friends' till date had been /a#hael and -ach. !hen the reali2ation hit<
"I hae "athan." I took a step forward, rolling ba#k my shoulders. "'nd
he wouldn't be too happy about this, would he, Ro6y)"
/o7anne paused, her lips snaking upwards into a half-smile. "Huh.
4oint one for sneaky little sophomore."
"I &ust want you to leae me alone," I spat.
"-h, honey, you are still so ery naMe." /o7anne shook her head in
e7aggerated disappointment. "I'm sure you think you and "athan hae
some kind of unassailable bond I #an't shake." 9he grinned. "=ust like
you thought I was haing a passionate illi#it loe affair with =immy
Caldwell, isn't it)"
My heart all but stopped. -f #ourse. !his was /o7anne, after all. -f
#ourse she had something up her sleee that #ould break me and
"athan up. 9he was pra#ti#ally the antithesis of $od, and she had
?a#h on her side. ?a#h, who had kissed me in a way that would break
"athan's heart if he found out. "+ou're bla#kmailing me into be your
friend."
"!hat wasn't bla#kmail, trust me. 0la#kmail would be me threatening
to get one of the guys who want me to strip you naked and parade
you around town with those thighs of yours."
I blinked. "I thought you said you were done trying to get me to gie up
and leae town."
/o7anne's smile dropped off her fa#e. 9he sureyed me, an unhappy
set to her mouth. "3nfortunately, I hae to be. 0e#ause you make my
best friend in the world happy."
"+eah, she does," :arin babbled. "9ummer, you guys are so #ute
together, it's like 1"
,e shot her an i#y look. :arin #lapped her mouth shut, reddening.
/o7anne #o#ked her head. "+ou know, 9ummer, you do seem like you
hae something interesting going on in you. +ou're not an inno#ent
little su#kup like :arin here, you get good grades, and you do keep
"athan interested. "ot to mention, you're loyal."
I kept silent. Had ?a#h by any mira#le not told her about the way he'd
made me whimper and #lut#h and sigh with &ust a kiss) (as that een
possible)
/o7anne adan#ed until her shoulders were leel with my eyes.
"Come on, 9ummer," she wheedled, her oi#e taking on a
dangerously persuasie ;uality, "let's &ust make a deal. 8et me be your
friend. I'll help you negotiate the pitfalls of being wat#hed eery minute
of the day 1 and all so you don't brush me off and let me dress you
and listen to me sometimes."
I #ould feel myself weakening. /o7anne Cartwright was a formidable
opponent. I wasn't 9haya> I had grown stronger oer the past few
months, but I #ouldn't endure a long-drawn-out war with her that #ould
end up being potentially fatal for me. Maybe I #ould neer be her
e;ual, but haing her on my side #ould only help. I needed to be
pra#ti#al, fo#us on suriing, swit#h off all the emotions%
"+ou hae to stop making bit#hy #omments about me," I said, #raning
my ne#k to meet her eyes. "+ou hae to support my relationship with
"athan."
/o7anne nodded. "9ensible."
I felt a draining of energy, as if I'd been running a triathlon and had &ust
stumbled to a stop. "Can I go now)"
"!ell me about her first." /o7anne lowered her butt onto one of the
plush arm#hairs s#attered around the room.
"(ho)" I said rudely.
"!he half-sister," /o7anne said, grima#ing. "8et's hope "athan won't
turn out to be as fertile as his *ad apparently is."
"Is 9haya really a heroin addi#t like 0randon .egas says)" :arin
piped up. "0e#ause she's ni#e and I bet my Mom's therapy group
#ould help her."
I ignored this. "/o7anne, leae 9haya alone."
"Is that another bargaining #hip)" /o7anne smirked.
"9haya is "athan's sister," I pointed out. "He wouldn't like it 1"
"*oesn't mean she #an &ust walt2 in here and be#ome my friend
without earning it first," /o7anne said, leaning ba#k in her seat. "*oes
it, girls)"
"I don't understand what the big deal about being in your group is," I
said ;uietly.
"It's really #ool," :arin said. "+ou get the best guys, the best party
inites, eeryone knows who you are, there's always someone to do
your homework, and we always hae a good time, and when we get
into trouble somebody always bails us out, you neer hae to worry
about anything, it's &ust ,un, you know, and besides, I mean, hae you
looked at Christopher or "athan or *er 1"
/o7anne rolled her eyes. ":arin."
"9orry," :arin said, looking #hagrined.
/o7anne turned the for#e of her influential eyes on me. "It's #lear that
9haya's already got you wrapped around her little finger."
"9haya is my friend," I muttered.
/o7anne stood. "+ou're su#h a san#timonious little prig. If "athan
didn't like you so mu#h%"
"I #an't understand why you do all this for "athan," I said honestly.
"I didn't get to the pinna#le of !hornton's food #hain by being easily
understood by my self-righteous ,riends." /o7anne #rooked a finger at
the girl by the door. "Come on, =ulie. 8et's go."
"+ou're done)" I said in#redulously.
/o7anne flashed me an enigmati# smile before opening the door and
disappearing past it, her followers in tow. I remained where I was,
groping for my bearings.
(hat had &ust happened)
In ,uropean history, a rail-thin brunette I'd neer talked to before
introdu#ed herself as "an#y 9#hwart2 and grilled me about the shade
of ,ri#a's almost worn-off lipgloss. In 0usiness and '##ounts, where I
#ould barely look Mr Caldwell in the eye, a ruggedly-handsome group
of boys in rugby #aps inited me to a party at $ala7y on 9aturday. In
the middle of 'lgebra I 'shna 9an#he2, a se#ond-tier-popular
Hispani# girl who'd on#e spilled li;uid eyeliner on my notebook, asked
me to rate "athan's skills in bed and then re#ounted a long story
about how her boyfriend !ristan had learned oral se7 te#hni;ues from
/o7anne Cartwright before asking if it was true that "athan's new
sister and /o7anne had made a pa#t to date the whole of 's la#rosse
team by 6ebruary.
0y the time the bell rang for 8un#h, I was #onsidering dropping out of
s#hool. It wasn't like my sudden popularity was dis#on#erting enough>
I also #ouldn't restrain my heart from taking on a life of its own eery
time I spotted a dark head in the #rowd.
I almost wanted to see ?a#h. =ust to get it oer with.
My #ell phone beeped as I hurried towards the dining room. Half the
students in the #orridor stopped what they were doing 1 flirting,
te7ting, last-minute studying as this was !hornton after all 1 to wat#h
me try to e7tra#t my phone from my bla2er po#ket with my arms
loaded full of books. Half the girl's olleyball team stepped up to help,
but by then those books had already slid out of my grip and onto the
ground. 6a#e burning, I dropped down on my knees to #olle#t them.
(hen I straightened ba#k up, he was standing there like an apparition
my traitorous, shot neres had #on&ured up.
!he intensity of my physi#al rea#tion to his presen#e surprised me. My
heart pi#ked up speed like the Con#orde, my palms turned sli#k with
sweat, my mouth #ottoned up. Coheren#e departed from my brain.
"If it isn't !hornton's newest It-$irlfriend," ?a#h said, a mo#king
infle#tion in his oi#e.
!he sound of his oi#e made goosebumps erupt all oer my arms. '
familiar fli#k of fury heated up my fa#e and returned to me the power
of spee#h. "If it isn't /o7anne's most trusted stooge sent to #arry out
her orders like the mindless poser he is."
?a#h raised his eyebrows. "(e #learly need to talk," he said,
maddeningly #alm.
"(e need to pretend we don't know ea#h other," I spat. "-h, wait. #
wouldn't be pretending."
?a#h rea#hed out and pla#ed his thumb oer my wrist. !he simple a#t
sent a burst of adrenaline through my eins. My breath hit#hed as he
said, "+ou're oerrea#ting."
I #ould think of seeral ways to reply, su#h as sti#king the sharp spine
of my ,uropean history book up his nose. I settled for pla#ing my
hands on his #hest and shoing him out of my path. ",7#use me," I
said #oldly. "My boy,riend is waiting for me in the dining room."
!he burst of adrenaline propelled me all the way to the best table in
the dining room. /o7anne sat pi#king at a lotus shoot salad 1 the
kit#hen was doing Indonesian week 1 between ,e, who was flipping
through a $eology te7tbook, and Chris, who was bopping his head
around to the beat of his i4od. :arin per#hed on her #hair ne7t to him
sharing a maga2ine with a random gangly boy with fre#kles. I
#atalogued these details in my mind to keep thoughts of ?a#h and my
tingling palms at bay and sat down ne7t to my boyfriend.
"athan grinned at me. "8ong time no see."
I felt the answering smile on my fa#e, the tension draining from my
body. "!hree whole hours. How did I surie)"
:arin and the fre#kled boy wat#hed us aidly out of the #orner of their
eyes, but een that didn't fa2e me as "athan leaned oer and pe#ked
me gently on the upper lip. I felt the warmth of the kiss down to my
toes and willed him to remain in that position till eeryone else went
away.
"'w," :arin #ooed. "+ou totally are not a fake #ouple."
"(hy would they be)" /o7anne rolled her eyes. "'nd by the way, "ot-
6ake Couple, some of us don't hae to puke up our food to fit into our
.ersa#e. *on't make us."
I flushed slightly. "athan wound his fingers around mine.
"8ike you haen't #hristened eery nook and #ranny in this s#hool with
"athan-#entered 4*'," a sardoni# oi#e said to my right.
I s;uee2ed my eyes shut in horror. !he skin on the ba#k of my ne#k
pri#kled as ?a#h slammed himself down on the #hair on my right.
:arin, obliious to the sudden tension, #hirped, "0randon !e7as says
you're a fake #ouple and you only pretend to be together &ust to keep
9ummer ;uiet about you getting your sister pregnant."
,eryone at the table stopped staring at ?a#h to look at her. "obody
said a word.
My tongue felt thi#k and useless in my mouth.
"(ell," Chris said finally, kinking his eyebrows together at ?a#h,
"haen't seen you sin#e you pun#hed "athan in the fa#e."
"(hen did that happen)" !he fre#kled boy spoke for the first time,
fishing his i4hone out of his bag. Impulsiely I edged a little #loser to
"athan, waiting for the bubble to blo#k out the impa#t of ?a#h's eyes
off me.
"-ne pun#h and I'm suddenly not allowed to sit with you guys any
more)" ?a#h asked inno#ently, looking at "athan.
"+ou're still my friend," /o7anne said, also looking at "athan.
I looked at "athan. His features fro2e into pla#e as he looked at
/o7anne, then ?a#h, and then at me. I hoped ferently that he would
ask ?a#h to leae. I wondered if telling him that ?a#h had tried to keep
us apart would help> I dreaded him mentioning the kiss if he stayed
there. 0ut would he) 9houldn't he ba#k off now that /o7anne had
de#reed us 'friends')
"I still don't know why you pun#hed me," "athan said finally.
"Can we &ust forget about it)" ?a#h said irritably.
"athan looked at me again. My fa#e flamed. (hy was he looking at
me)
"6ine," "athan said. He rea#hed out, putting his arm around my
shoulders. "0ut no more pun#hes."
?a#h's fa#e #louded oer, as if "athan had told him to go drown
himself instead of being his a##epting, giing self. "(hateer."
I tried to rela7 into "athan's arm. I tried to #alm down. 0ut I #ouldn't,
not when the entire right side of my body was pouring with sweat and I
#ould barely breathe.
"$od," /o7anne muttered, ga2ing past my shoulder, "what is up with
that)"
$lad of the distra#tion, I looked in the same dire#tion. 9haya was
standing at the entran#e of the dining hall, talking to a #ouple of blond
girls with &eweled headbands and a tall boy I re#ogni2ed as one of the
=unior 4refe#ts. I waed at her. Her fa#e split into a smile and she said
something to her #ompanions before half-sprinting down the room and
heaing herself down ne7t to "athan with a tray full of fries and a
random banana.
"Hey, guys," she said brightly, peeling the banana. "Hey, 9ummer. I
assume you guys are the Champagne gang eeryone keeps asking
about) 9ummer, please tell me you're not a Mafia boss's daughter
whose un#le is holding "athan's pet dog hostage so "athan dates
you."
"Is that the word at the moment)" !he fre#kled boy asked interestedly.
"athan rolled his eyes at his sister. "-nly if you promise you're not
really an 60I-agent-turned-#riminal to loot my *ad's #ompany."
"Hey, 9haya, did you know that bananas are the most fattening fruit)"
/o7anne asked sweetly. "+ou must eat one eery day."
"-nly as fre;uently as you su#k on banana-shaped things," 9haya
shot ba#k.
?a#h straightened. I felt my heart flip and #on#entrated on keeping my
stoma#h still as he looked 9haya up and down.
"+ou're new," he said e7pressionlessly.
"+ou're slow." 9haya beamed at him. "I'm 9haya, "athan's sister."
"Huh." ?a#h sureyed her. ""athan's father has a eritable litter of
illegitimate #hildren by now, doesn't he)"
I saw "athan redden and lashed out instin#tiely. "'t least his father
#ares about him."
?a#h smirked at me, his eyes humorless. "'s does his girlfriend,
apparently."
"He's worth it." I narrowed my eyes at him.
"9ummer," "athan said softly.
"Is it the norm nowadays to let your girlfriends speak for you)" ?a#h
asked nobody in parti#ular.
"-biously you wouldn't know sin#e you'e neer had one," I shot at
him.
"It's so mu#h more fun to hae no-strings-atta#hed makeout sessions
with other people's girlfriends," ?a#h said blithely.
His #omment felt like a ki#k in the stoma#h. "+ou're a slea2y asshole,"
I hissed, stoma#h #hurning with hatred.
"Creatie," ?a#h snorted.
"More #reatie than haing nothing but Coke for lun#h like some
wannabe ampire, at least."
"9o ni#e to hae you monitoring my food #hoi#es, but I'd rather you
did that for your boy,riend."
"'t least I 1"
"9ummer." "athan's palm was on my shoulder.
I &erked ba#k to reality. !he whole table was staring at my flushed
fa#e. I slumped ba#k in my seat, both embarrassed and a#utely aware
of eerything around me. 'erting ?a#h's ga2e, I put my hand atop
"athan's on my shoulder. "athan's eyes were a little #onfused, a little
startled. !hey made me feel prote#tie and a little wary. "9orry," I said.
"He was sort of being mean."
"Mean)" ?a#h sni#kered. "I'm haing eighth-grade d@&N u."
I edged #loser to "athan, letting his smell #alm the oerwhelming
need to respond.
"?a#h," "athan said simply, "leae her alone."
?a#h smirked. "Man, I feel like I'm in a *isney musi#al with all this
defending-thy-honor #rap going on."
"+ou are ery !roy-and-$abriella," :arin said matter-of-fa#tly to
"athan.
I blinked at her, determined to fo#us on absolutely eerything but
?a#h. "3m, what)"
"!hey are, aren't they)" /o7anne's tone was honey-smooth, with
something in it I #ouldn't identify. I looked at her> she was wat#hing me
#arefully. 6or some reason, I blushed.
"'nd ?a#h is 9harpay)" 9haya laughed. "I #an't imagine you in pink,
what with all that huffing and puffing."
(as she ,lirting)
?a#h looked at her. "(as that supposed to be witty)"
9haya shrugged, unperturbed. "=ust honest."
It was like my brain had stopped #ontrolling my mouth. "?a#h doesn't
really know what honest means."
9haya looked from me to ?a#h. "*o they do this often)" she asked
nobody in parti#ular.
"*o what)" /o7anne was still wat#hing me.
"'rgue," 9haya said. "8ash out at ea#h other."
/o7anne looked thoughtful. "Can't say I'e eer noti#ed it before."
I felt like waing my hands around and s#reaming, "#'m still here!"
"It turns her on," ?a#h drawled.
I resisted the urge to rip his #an of Coke from his grasp and toss its
#ontents at his fa#e. "Can you blame me for lashing out at him)" I said
loudly.
?a#h narrowed his eyes at me. "I'm not the self-righteous bit#h
dangling her pri2es here."
"I'm not the snarky slea2y slimeball making innuendoes at his friend's
girlfriend," I spat ba#k.
"Is that what I'm doing)" *eliberately, #asually, ?a#h's hand tou#hed
my knee under the table. My skin burst into flames. "I was under the
impression that I was being 1 what's the word) Honest."
I felt strangled with longing as his hand moed north, tra#ing what felt
like a trail of fire up my thigh. My brain #ouldn't find words, my lungs
struggled for air. I #lamped my hand down on his, but before I #ould
try to for#e it off my humming, fluttering skin, he turned his palm
upwards, #urling his fingers around mine in a i#e-like grip. I #ouldn't
tear my eyes away from his. (hat was happening to me)
I leaped to my feet, ripping apart the #onta#t between our skin, and
almost slammed all the drinks off the table as I banged my #hair
ba#kwards and took off from the dining room.
!he girl's room at !hornton smelled like perfume and had a lounge
area with a plush #ou#h in front of a mirrored anity holding free aloe
era produ#ts. I slumped on the #ou#h and tried my best to breathe
until the fog in my brain wore off.
"9ummer)" "athan's wary fa#e peeked around the door.
' rush of affe#tion at the #arefulness in his oi#e kno#ked my tingling
thighs off my brain. ""athan," I said softly, standing up again.
"athan took two strides in and pulled me into a #omforting hug. He
didn't interrogate me about what had happened in the dining room,
didn't ask why I'd run off, &ust pressed his lips against my hair and let
me e7hale into his #hest.
"+ou okay)" he finally spoke after a few minutes.
"I'm sorry," I murmured. "I'm sorry I yelled and ran off 1 he's &ust su#h
a 7erk 1"
"I thought," "athan said, his tone #arefully #alm, "that you guys were
friends. $ood friends."
"I guess I thought so, too." I gripped the #uff of his bla2er, trying to
stop thinking altogether.
"*id something happen)" "athan asked ;uietly. "(hile I was away)"
"(hen we were in "ew +ork, he 1" My eyes met his and I stopped.
His eyes were so trusting. "athan relied on me to be his way out of
the lies and de#eit that was ?a#h and /o7anne's world. He thought I
was aboe all of that entirely. (ho was I to shatter that trust)
"He)" "athan prompted.
"He sort of, well, kept making #omments about my sister," I fibbed.
?a#h had mentioned how hot he thought CeeCee was. 9eeral times.
It hurt to een think about it, all oer again. "'nd%I don't know. I'm
tired of how &ealous and #yni#al he is%and why #an't he &ust let
people be happy)"
"athan pursed his lips. "?a#h%doesn't do well with other people, you
know) It's partly his parents' fault 1 and partly mine, I guess. 6or
*enise and 1"
"*on't you dare blame yourself," I said fier#ely. "He's fu#ked up, that's
all, and I shouldn't let him get to me 1"
"0ut you do," "athan said.
I flushed. (as he a##using me of something) 9omething I desered)
"(hat are you saying)"
"0aby, look, hear me out. He wouldn't be able to get under your skin
the way he does if you don't #are about him, you know) I know you
guys were good friends and you shouldn't let his problem with me be
the defining fa#tor in your relationship."
-h, "athan. He was de,ending ?a#h. -h, $od. How #ould I possibly
deal with this) How had I landed this guy)
""ate, don't 1" I didn't know what I was going to say.
He gae me an earnest look. "8ook, I know I asked you to #hoose
between us on#e, but I have you now, and you told me that you do
#are about him 1"
I laun#hed myself forward and su#ked in his mouth greedily, atta#hing
my body to his. I pressed myself deep into his #hest, trying to for#e
the feeling to take oer my head. He kissed me ba#k, slowly, deeply,
but so goddamn care,ully.
I growled and tugged his hands into mine, still kissing him fero#iously
as I yanked them under my shirt and onto the skin of my ba#k. He
sighed, withdrawing slightly. 6rustrated, I moed een #loser, hooking
one leg oer his knee and slipping my fingers under his bla2er.
"athan pulled away #ompletely, falling onto the #ou#h in the pro#ess. I
toppled into his lap.
"*amn, 9ummer," he said tautly.
"(hat)" I snapped. "(hat's wrong)"
"+ou 1 you don't hae to do 1 we #an take it slow 1" "athan
floundered, his eyes ha2y.
"(hat, was that too slutty for your inno#ent perfe#t girlfriend)" !he
words flew out of my mouth before I een reali2ed that I was thinking
them.
"athan's eyes #leared a little. "(hat) 9ummer 1"
"I'm sorry," I said hastily. "I didn't mean 1"
"I &ust don't want to%pressure you." "athan #upped the side of my
fa#e.
"*ammit, "athan," I e7ploded. "(hat about you)"
"athan looked #onfused. "(hat about me)"
""athan, I 1" !he ugly thoughts were #at#hing up with the ugly words
now. "!his isn't some 8ifetime moie where you hae to play the
perfe#t hero who #an't a#knowledge needs and wants of his own 1"
"athan dropped his hand. "(hat do you want me to say, 9ummer) I
respe#t you 1 this 1 and I 1"
"I feel like you hae me up on some pedestal, and I #an't 1 I'm not
some ision of perfe#tion, "ate! (hy are you still so s#ared of me)
+ou shouldn't hae to pull ba#k from me, or wat#h eerything you say
or do around me like we're in 8leasantville or something 1" (hat was
I saying) (hat was I thinking) I had what any girl would kill for< a guy
who would do anything to keep me happy, and I was yelling at him for
it)
!his was all ?a#h's fault. It had to be.
"I'm new to this, okay)" "athan's oi#e rose. "I'm new to falling in loe
with a girl and wanting to make her happy and I'm sorry if I'm not
doing it right 1"
"6alling in loe)" I s;ueaked, suddenly sidetra#ked.
"athan blinked. "I%yeah. +es. I loe you, 9ummer. 'nd I'm sorry if
that makes you feel I hae an unrealisti# idea of you, but%that's how
it is."
I stared at him. 8oe. "athan loved me. 0ut how #ould he loe me) I
didn't desere something that pure any more, I was a bad person who
lied and 1 and lusted after bad people. How #ould "athan loe me
when, in fifth grade, a boy CeeCee liked who I thought was handsome
had #alled for her and I hadn't passed on the message be#ause I was
&ealous) (hen I didn't miss "eil the way I should hae, when I'd told
my *ad I hated him, when I didn't hae the #ourage to stand up to
/o7anne, when I'd dit#hed /a#hael for Curtis multiple times) (hen
I'd on#e #heated on a $eometry test, eaten si7 tubs of i#e-#ream the
day Curtis and I broke up one night freshman year, when I'd kissed
?a#h ba#k on the train)
Maybe "athan ha a past and maybe he was a little too afraid to be
himself. 0ut he was wonderful and good and it was easy for me to
loe him and how #ould someone like him loe someone like me)
"I should go," I whispered.
9omething in "athan's e7pression shifted when he looked down at
me. "9hould I tell .i to e7pe#t you and a hangdog e7pression today or
are you done with me)"
In one motion I put my arms around his ne#k and buried my fa#e in his
#heek. He stiffened slightly and then leaned into me, and in that
instant it was #lear<
It didn't matter how I'd lu#ked out. It was &ust important that I had.
"-h, "athan," I breathed. "I loe you. I loe you so mu#h. I'm so happy
with you."
"+ou're not &ust saying that)" "athan's tone was besee#hing.
"I loe you, I really do." It didn't matter what kind of magneti# pull I felt
towards ?a#h, that wasn't something I #ould understand, and this was.
!his was happiness. 8oe. Contentment.
"# loe you," "athan reaffirmed. (e breathed together for a moment
before he pulled ba#k. "(e moe fast, don't we)" he said, the familiar
lightness returning to his fa#e. "-ur first fight and first e7#hange of I-
loe-yous within twenty-four-hours of getting together."
I smiled ba#k. "I wish we #ould &ust get away, you know) 6rom all this
#ra2iness. =ust be together for a while."
"(e #ould, you know," "athan said, his eyes sparkling. "(e #ould put
my *ad's &et to use and fly to 4aris, be ba#k in time for s#hool
tomorrow."
My mouth fell open. "I was thinking more along the lines of that
makeout session in your #ar you mentioned earlier," I said feebly.
"athan took my hand and kissed the tip of my pinky finger. "(ell,
then. 4aris #an wait."
/o7anne ambushed me again before the day was oer.
,nglish was the period I had after 8un#h, the one I spent in "athan's
4ors#he, so I managed not to see ?a#h again. 'fter last period I met
"athan in the parking lot, but before I #ould get into his #ar and ride
off into the sunset, /o7anne appeared at his side out of nowhere.
"Hey," she #hirped 1 yes, #hirped 1 to "athan before winding her arm
through mine. "Come on, "athan's girl, let's go."
"(here)" I eyed her warily.
"-h, don't be so &umpy, sophomore. ,ie and I are going shopping
and you're tagging along 1 inited, for on#e." 9he beamed at "athan.
"(e'll gie her a ride home. 9hoo, "atie."
"0ut 1" I started.
"/o7anne, if this is some 1" "athan began.
"+ou promised to trust me," /o7anne reminded me.
I took a breath. 9he was right. "Call me later)" I said to "athan.
He ;uirked his brow. "+ou're sure about this."
I nodded wordlessly. His e7pression lifting, he hugged me tightly,
giing me a lingering kiss before pointing playfully at /o7anne. "If
you're not ni#e to her 1"
"0ye, "athan," /o7anne said firmly, tugging me ba#kwards.
I felt apprehensie as I settled into the ba#kseat of /o7anne's lipsti#k-
red Corette, but I hid it with a slightly fi7ed smile. "Hi," I said to ,e,
who was #arefully pulling ba#k her impossibly shiny blond hair ba#k
with a smooth-looking headband. 9he nodded at me. "3m, where are
we going)"
"*uke's, of #ourse," /o7anne said. "I'd opt for "ew +ork, but I hae a
#hem test tomorrow and a 6ren#h Club meeting, so I need to get this
done ;ui#k. I need to smell e7pensie new #lothes after meeting that
tramp today."
9he was a#ting so normal 1 no threats, no ba#khanded-#ompliment-
like insults 1 that I rela7ed a little. "+ou're in the 6ren#h Club)"
"I'm the 4resident," /o7anne said, fiddling with the #ar stereo until it
was blasting some rap song. "I'm also on the girls' ho#key team,
se#ond in my #lass, and #hair of the 9o#ial Committee, before you
ask." 9he grima#ed at the stereo. "(hat the shit is this)"
"(hat about you, ,e)" I asked politely.
"Culture Club head, Italian-and-9panish tutor, 9#ien#e Club, #hoir,
literary maga2ine &unior editor, 4refe#t, you name it, ,ie's it."
/o7anne shot her friend a fond smile. "If only she'd smile a little more
she'd be #apable of being the 4resident of this $'4-infested #ountry."
,e snorted. ""ot if I was pitted against you. +our manipulatie nature
is mu#h more suitable for something like politi#s than mine is."
"!rue," /o7anne said smugly. "9ummer should &oin the lit maga2ine,
right, ,e) 'nd the newspaper. +ou're supposed to be so brilliant at
the language. 'nd more to the point, so fond it."
"How would you know that)" I was surprised.
"3m, I'm me." /o7anne rounded the Corette into the pat#h of peony-
pink #on#rete in front of *uke's, 8inbury's designer-and-e7#lusie-
bouti;ues-only mall, and tossed the keys at the alet in the bla#k band
tee. "9o, sophomore, you want to get something to eat at "oir's first or
hit 0etsey =ohnson for weekend dresses)"
(as she seriously asking for my opinion) ,e was a sophomore, too,
but /o7anne was looking at me. "I #an't afford designerwear."
"!hat's what my 'm,7 is for, moron." /o7anne rolled her eyes.
"0enefit of my friendship."
"I #an't let you pay for 1"
"6ine, 2ip it." /o7anne fished out her #ell phone and dialed ;ui#kly.
"+o, Mr :) Here you go." 9he handed the phone to me> I stared at her
;uestioningly. 9he gestured impatiently for me to speak.
"9ummer (ard)" a familiar oi#e said as soon as I'd helloed. "!his is
Mr :erlowski."
!he manager of 0ig Happy 6amily, my old boss) (hat)
"Miss (ard, I want to apologi2e for the unfortunate in#ident that
#aused you to leae our establishment and offer you your &ob ba#k.
(ith the added in#itement of a threefold raise if you'd like."
"I 1 uh 1" I gaped at /o7anne. What)
/o7anne grabbed the phone from me, said, "-ffer a##epted, she'll do
the eening shift on Mondays and (ednesdays when the lit mag and
the newspaper don't hae meetings," into it like some kind of agent
and manager, and dropped her phone into her bag again. "-kay)" she
asked me rhetori#ally. "+ou #an pay for your own #lothes from ne7t
Monday on, but let me buy you a little something to #elebrate your
new &ob. I #ould donate the money to some orphanage, but your
wardrobe is a #harity #ase I a#tually gie a shit about, so let's go."
"0ut," I started, een though I had no idea what I was going to say.
"8et's go, sophomore," /o7anne insisted, a##identally-on-purpose
brushing against the ripped alet with a #oy smile.
He grinned happily at ,e as I, utterly da2ed, followed her.
/o7anne took a deep breath of the air#onditioned-and-perfumed
inside of *uke's and smiled happily. "9o, ,e, what do you think suits
her non-style more) 0etsey =ohnson or Missoni)"
I didn't mu#h relish the idea of letting /o7anne e7amine my body and
#ompare it with designer dresses and a##essories. It was bad enough
when ,ri#a did. "3m, guys, I'm a#tually kind of%" I trailed off as i#y
blue eyes and #onstantly-shifting dark eyes fo#used on me
simultaneously. If I fo#used on dealing with this 1 all of this 1 moment
by moment, then maybe I #ould handle this shopping trip. "Hungry," I
finished weakly.
/o7anne shrugged. "8et's hit "oir's then."
"oir's was the four-star restaurant-slash-bar on the top floor. 't four in
the afternoon, it was brightly lit, all gleaming mahogany and white
s#ulptures and gorgeous blue-based fres#oes on the #eiling. ' few
teenage #ouples sat s#attered around the pla#e pi#king on sna#ks,
along with Mrs-$ellar-like women playing #ards and drinking what
looked like wine.
"Miss Cartwright)" !he salt-and-pepper-haired host was behind
/o7anne in a flash, es#orting her to a table near the bar. "Miss
6it2gerald. 'nd 1" He looked at me. "Miss (u and Miss Harrees are
absent)"
"!his is Miss (ard," ,e introdu#ed me.
His eyes fli#ked oer me. "'h)"
/o7anne's grin was #atlike. "!he loe of "athaniel's life and my new
best friend."
"3h," I said, unsettled, "I'm &ust 9ummer."
"-f #ourse," the man said. "!he usual)" he said to /o7anne.
""othing for me, thank you," ,e said. "I hae a #all to take in a few
minutes."
"!he usual miso soup for me," /o7anne said easily. "+ou,
sophomore)"
I &umped. "3h, is this, um, a =apanese pla#e)"
"(e sere food from any #ountry in the world," the host intoned.
"(hateer your pleasure, Miss 1 9ummer."
I was staring, sin#e I'd digested nothing but goddamn ?a#h $ellar's
insults for 8un#h. !he thought made me stoma#h #hurn and I said
;ui#kly, "Can I &ust hae a sandwi#h or a salad please)"
"I would re#ommend the fig leaf and s;uash salad," the host said.
$od, that sounded%disgusting. "3m 1"
"!hat sounds disgusting," /o7anne s#owled. "=ust get her a tuna melt,
'kay, 6redo)"
"-f #ourse." !he host started to shimmy away like =eees.
"'nd some wine 1 we're #elebrating!" /o7anne said. "3nless you
prefer beer, +our Hi#kness)" she added as an afterthought.
I ignored this. "'ren't we too young for al#ohol in publi#)"
"4lease, like they'd #ard us here," /o7anne said disdainfully. "I mean,
we're glamorous and hot and you hae enough frown lines on your
fa#e to pass as a non-0oto7ed fifty-year-old."
"(hi#h would separate you from eery fifty-year-old we know," ,e
added. "'nd didn't you promise to withhold the nasty remarks, /o7y)"
"*on't you hae a four-fifteen phone appointment with the 6oundation
to make, ,ie)" /o7anne retorted.
,e unfolded herself. "I might be late. ,7#use me."
I stiffened as she walked gra#efully away and /o7anne turned to fa#e
me. "9o, soph, we need to talk."
I #owered, steeling myself with a sip of water. (hy had I agreed to go
anywhere with /o7anne again) "(hat about)" I said, bluffing braery
and hoping she &ust wanted to dis#uss my frown lines.
"!onsil ho#key with ?a#hie, of #ourse," /o7anne said smoothly.
I blan#hed. 9he knew. 9he knew. "8ook, before you say anything 1" I
said franti#ally.
"0efore you say anything," /o7anne stopped me, "tell me why ?a#h
says you think he was only your friend to s#ew with "athan."
I blinked at her. "+ou told me that! +ou said you got him to be ni#e to
me so I #ould be sidetra#ked from "athan to him!" My oi#e wobbled
at the last word> I #ouldn't stop pi#turing ?a#h's fa#e at 8un#h when
he'd taunted me.
/o7anne raised an eyebrow. "(hat is this, a bad teen #omedy) +es, I
told ?a#h to warn you off from "athan. I didn't tell him to be#ome
your%" 9he made a fa#e. " 'best friend'," she air-;uoted.
My ears were bu22ing, my heart pounding so hard it hurt. "(hat are
you talking about)" I half-gasped, half-whispered.
/o7anne studied me. "$od, sophomore, how blind do you think I am)
+ou think I wouldn't noti#e that your little display at lun#h held far more
anger than a random fight-on-prin#iple) +ou know me. *id you think
I'd rest until I grilled ?a#h as to what that was about)"
"I%" I fumbled for words, hope surging wildly within me. "It's not like
you weren't in #ahoots the whole time 1 your faourite hobby is
pra#ti#ally dis#ussing ways to ruin my life together, isn't it)"
"In #ahoots)" /o7anne looked amused. "'nd we think ,ie uses
anti;uated language."
"+ou're a bit#h," I hissed.
"'nd you're a drama ;ueen," /o7anne said #oolly. "$od knows how
"ate puts up with it. ?a#h, it seems, likes it."
"+ou would know," I said bitterly.
"-h, for $od's sake. 8ook, I'll admit that I s#hemed and #onspired with
=a22 about the whole Caldwell thing, but it wasn't like that with ?a#h. I
simply laid out "athan's attra#tion to you and asked him to warn you
off. 9o maybe he would neer hae talked to you if it wasn't for that,
but it seems like the whole friendship thing he wouldn't gie me details
about)" /o7anne gae me a disgusted look. "(as a#tually real, een
though you're annoying and I'm haing a hard time being your friend."
My fa#e flamed. "I don't beliee you. ?a#h kept asking me to #hoose
between him and "athan, and 1"
"$od, you idiot, do you not see how mu#h you work him up) He
almost asked me for help with you, and ?a#h $ellar) *oes not do
that. ,en if he phrases it as you bitch, ,i6 your mistakes." 9he pursed
her mouth. "!he moron #ares about you, moroni# as that is."
"If he #ares about me, then how #ome he hasn't tried #alling or
apologi2ing)" I demanded. "(hy did he needle me until I almost lost
it)"
"He's ?a#h," /o7anne said simply.
"!hat's not an e7#use!" I almost shouted.
"+ou hooked up with "athan two days after I told you my plan,"
/o7anne pointed out. "!hat probably sma#ked of reenge to 1"
"I neer hid from ?a#h anything about liking "athan!"
",7#ept when you kissed him)"
"!e kissed me! /ight after I agreed to date "athan!"
"-h, my $od." ' worried look #rossed /o7anne's fa#e. "!his might be
een worse than I thought. ?a#h might like you."
""o," I said loudly. ""o, no, no."
/o7anne looked deta#hed. "(hat is it about you) Is it the sneakers)
!he age) !he lower-middle-#lass-ness) !he goddamn reading
thing)"
"/o7anne," I said, almost pleadingly. "?a#h doesn't 1 maybe you didn't
or#hestrate what happened and maybe he was my friend, but the kiss
was all about "athan. 'nd, /o7anne, please, you #an't tell "athan
about that. +ou &ust #an't 1"
/o7anne was staring into spa#e. "+ou hae to talk to ?a#h. +ou hae
to #lear the air."
"/o7anne, I loe "athan. It would only hurt him to know, and I #an't
hurt him. I love him."
/o7anne finally met my ga2e. "'ll right."
I looked at her, stunned. "/eally)"
/o7anne nodded. "I won't tell "athan if you talk to ?a#h."
I slumped. I #ouldn't. I #ouldn't hae him erbally #onfirm that he'd
toyed me to hurt "athan, no matter how #onin#ed I already was of it.
I loed "athan, I did, but ?a#h made me hurt in pla#es I'd neer een
known I had. "/o7a 1"
"*o you know who the first person I eer plotted with was)" /o7anne
said out of the blue.
""athan," I stated definitiely. 'fter all, she'd told me already that he'd
been her first 1 everything.
""ope." 9he popped the 'p'. "?a#h. My #ousin Milli#ent kissed the boy
I liked in 9t. 0art's when we were eleen, and we put "air in her
shampoo. 9he had hair like ,e's on#e upon a time. "ow she
doesn't."
"-kay)" I said un#ertainly. (as she threatening to #hop off my hair)
"I'm saying that I know ?a#h, 9ummer," /o7anne said for#efully. "'nd
it's #lear to me that he #ares about you. I don't know to what e7tent,
but you need to talk to him about it."
I felt trapped in the for#e of her oi#e. "(hy should I trust you)" I
rasped.
"0e#ause you don't hae a #hoi#e." /o7anne lifted her shoulders and
smiled angeli#ally. "I won't let you disintegrate my friend group."
!he simple #ru7 of the matter was this< I missed ?a#h. If there was
een a #han#e that he was the friend, the guy I'd thought him to be%
I really didn't hae a #hoi#e, did I) I #ouldn't hurt "athan. ,en if that
meant ?a#h looking me in the eye and telling me he found me as
attra#tie as%an un-0oto7ed fifty-year-old. (hy did that thought hurt,
anyway) (hat did I hae to lose, when I'd already #onin#ed myself
that I'd lost ?a#h) (hen I'd already let that a#he and pain and torture
me so mu#h)
"6ine," I said to /o7anne. "I'll talk to him."
"$ood." Her angeli# smile grew wolfish. ""ow let's finish your d@#lass@
meal and get my s#ulpted ass and your long legs oer to ,e's
gorgeous hair in 0etsey =ohnson."
I shook my head. "I'e lost my appetite." Had she &ust #omplimented
my legs)
/o7anne inspe#ted me #riti#ally. "!hen maybe we hae time to get
you a push-up bra first. -h, and sophomore)"
I raised my eyebrows.
"Hurt "athan in any way and you're going to want to moe to 9iberia."
I #ould barely think, let alone fun#tion from the hope and fear swirling
around in my #hest, but I said, "I loe "athan."
/o7anne nodded. "$ood answer."
AT(o &h#)ters to go7 D.ot &ounting the e)ilogueE. Chee7 3o' #n!
one out there h#te T(ilight+ Or #n! F#&obAtheAnonA)edo(ol%
lovers+



8<. I'm Onl! Me Chen I'm Cith /ou
!he three-in-the-morning moments didn't matter.
!hat was what I told myself as the free2ing =anuary segued into a
dreary, #hilly 6ebruary. 's I walked into !hornton eery day on
"athan's arm and ignored the stares, the whispering, the rumours that
#hanged eery fie minutes. ' few enterprising people tried striking up
#onersations with me in #lass, but I didn't really make any friends> it
wasn't that I didn't want to, it was &ust that the Champagne $ang
buffeted me from eeryone else. I, the ultimate outsider, was suddenly
walking to #lass, eating lun#h, studying, partying, sleeping 1 literally,
mostly in /o7anne's pala#e of a room 1 with the Champagne $ang.
(e went to "athan's games> we went shopping> we went to
steakhouses and Moro##an and "igerian restaurants and sushi bars
and red-#arpet eents and #lubs in "ew +ork on weekends. /o7anne
roped me into a di22ying array of e7tra#urri#ular a#tiities 1
olunteering at an orphanage two towns away, the prestigious s#hool
newspaper, ballroom dancing. :arin pi#ked out #lothes for me and
helped keep my hair permanently straightened. ,e helped me study
until my $4' rose in an astronomi#al, unpre#edented upward trend.
,en in my ;uieter moments, I was neer alone. I was playing ideo
games with 9haya or making out with "athan For at a restaurant
where a meal #ost half my *ad's salary for a month with "athan, or at
the moies with "athan, and, .alentine's *ay, in 4aris with "athan. #
had shoes from 8aris. More importantly, # had seen 4aris 1 and not
&ust the 8oure and the ,iffel !ower and the 'r# *e !riomphe, but also
the plush inside of the "apoleon Hotel.G It was da22ling and #ra2y and
fun and I'd been reading the same one book for a month and I was
glad, be#ause%
0e#ause it staed off those rare moments when I had to be alone.
(hen I was lying in my own bed surrounded by the #old, dark nights
and I felt #hoked, spee#hless, trapped, s#ared. (hen I wondered if I
truly knew what loe was, if I was really &ust lying eery time I looked
"athan in the eye and told him I loed him. (hen I remembered
fragments of the #onersation I'd had with ?a#h when I'd finally gotten
around to talking to him, when I remembered sitting a#ross ?a#h's
aloof, almost-polite fa#e at lun#h. (hen I imagined my life rushing by
me so fast that it hissed past my ears, making my throat burn and my
eyes sting.
It was then that longing for "athan shot like a knife-pang through my
body.
"I don't understand why you still wear those sneakers when you hae,
like, Manolos now," :arin said e7asperatedly.
I shrugged, digging into my ba#on #heeseburger with relish. "!hey feel
like home."
"!hey probably are," /o7anne snorted. "Home to a whole host of
moldy, furry things." 9he wrinkled her nose, her eyes darting away
from me. "=ust look at her. I swear, #ould she be more of an attention
whore)"
(e looked. 9haya was laughing at the entran#e of the dining room
with a bun#h of girls in #heer uniforms. +es, #heer, as in #heerleading.
9haya had formed !hornton's first-eer #heerleading s;uad two
weeks ago, and the amount of interest it had garnered among the
student body had been pretty une7pe#ted. ' ma&ority of the students
were too afraid of /o7anne to su#k up to 9haya, but she had a
surprising number of followers of her own. !hanks to "athan,
/o7anne hadn't een sabotaged her, but I #ould sense her glowering
under her smile wheneer 9haya was around.
"!otally," :arin e#hoed. "I heard *erek asked her out."
/o7anne's mouth thinned. "(hat)"
"+ou know, the guy you were dating in the beginning of the year) !he
one you #heated on with 1" :arin shot a glan#e in my dire#tion and
paused. "(ell, anyway, he likes her."
/o7anne's knu#kles whitened as she wielded her fork. "!hat's it," she
hissed.
"/o7anne 1" I found my oi#e.
"If you don't want your sneakers burned before midnight, shut it."
/o7anne stared at 9haya, her eyes frosting oer. "9he thinks she #an
mar#h into my s#hool, somehow #ontrie to be my best friend's
sibling, and steal my boyfriend and my moroni# minions 1"
",7-boyfriend," ,e pointed out.
"I'e got to do something." /o7anne narrowed her eyes at me. "What,
sophomore)"
"9he's still "athan's sister," I pointed out, trying not to sound too
gleeful. "It would still hurt "athan if you did anything drasti#."
"=ust be grateful it would hurt "athan if I did anything drasti# to you."
/o7anne glared at me. "9o, fine, I #an't get her e7pelled and I #an't kill
her. (hat #an I do)"
"+ou #an let this go," I suggested. Haing suried as "athan's
girlfriend for a month, I felt a little less afraid of /o7anne. It was a
ma&or perk.
"+ou #an take away her friends," ,e said emotionlessly.
' grin tugged at /o7anne's lips. "Hmmm. I #an, #an't I)"
"-r," I said, "you #an let it go."
",ie," /o7anne said, ignoring me #ompletely, "I suddenly
remembered why I keep you around. I need to win ba#k my herd. I
need them to remember why they keep me around. I need to show
them the perks of being on my side."
"'re you going to be ni#e to them for on#e)" I said dryly.
"-h, $od, no." /o7anne pulled a mo#k-horrified fa#e.
"!hen what)" :arin boun#ed up and down on the edge of her seat.
"!ell me, /o7y, I totally want to know!"
/o7anne smirked. "8et's &ust say that I'm going to throw the party of a
lifetime for the loyal ones 1 with promises of repeat performan#es to
#ome."
I was glad that "athan walked in at that moment, Chris in tow. ?a#h
had presumably gone off #ampus. !his pleased me> eery time I saw
?a#h now, I thought of%
")o you seriously think that #'m going to stand on a ,ucking kissing
booth and tell you # want you? !ow ,ucking dumb can you get?"
'nd sometimes, in a way that made a hot shier s#rape my spine<
")oes he know that your eyes go ,rom brown to black when you're
really, really pissed o,,?*
I gae my head a little shake to stop thinking as "athan dropped down
ne7t to me and looped both his arms around my waist. It worked. I
was getting better and better at it eery day. I leaned in to kiss him,
feeling that familiar bubble settle oer us.
"+ou okay)" he murmured, his forehead against mine.
"(hy wouldn't I be)"
"I don't know," "athan said, half-embarrassedly. "+our eyes looked
kind of%wild."
' flush #rept up my ne#k. "(hat)"
""o se7y talk," /o7anne said loudly. 9he thumped Chris's shoulder.
"!ell 'em, 6it2."
"6it2)" *eftly, "athan turned the #onersation. ""ew ni#kname)"
"(e all know /o7anne's fondness for redu#ing things," 9haya said
blithely, dropping down on Chris's other side. "Male egos in parti#ular."
9he glan#ed around the table. "Hey, guys."
/o7anne smiled at her so sweetly that I felt afraid. "8ooking for ?a#h)"
I felt my shoulders tense and breathed out, letting them slump.
""ot really," 9haya said shortly.
"He's at the library finishing off an assignment," /o7anne olunteered
anyway.
"?a#h studies)" 9haya grinned.
"He studies ,nglish. 9ometimes." /o7anne tilted her head. "0ut
9ummer knows more about that than I do, right, 9um)"
4ayba#k for suggesting /o7anne let 9haya's growing popularity go, I
reali2ed. "+eah, we hae ,nglish together," I said non#halantly. I really
was getting better at this eery day.
"9o who wants to go out tonight)" Chris broke in. I looked at him> his
brown eyes were kind.
"+ou want to do something)" I turned to "athan under #oer of the
#hange in #onersation 1 /o7anne and Chris were debating ,thiopian
food ersus :orean for tonight. "'lone)"
"!hat would be ama2ing," "athan said softly. "(hat do you want to
do)"
"6ool around," I half-&oked.
9ilen#e. "athan's fa#e took on that semi-embarrassed e7pression it
always did when I suggested something remotely se7ual. I had no
idea what that was about> we'd been together for oer a month and we
hadn't done mu#h more than kiss ea#h other. I wanted him to be
happy with me, and our relationship had progressed so fast in eery
other way 1 we'd met ea#h other's parents, swapped intimate se#rets,
kissed in the snow and slept in the same bed in the most romanti# #ity
in the world, traded I-loe-yous multiple times 1 that I #ouldn't
understand why he was so hesitant, physi#ally, with me.
I loed him. # did. (as it so wrong that I wanted to share more than I
had already)
"(hat's wrong)" I asked, uneasiness bubbling oer in my stoma#h as
I reali2ed that we'd be haing this #onersation yet again.
""othing." "athan hesitated. "8ook, I 1" He looked around at the table
un#omfortably. "I &ust feel 1 like 1 you think that be#ause I hae a 1
reputation, you 1 want to%" He trailed off.
"(hat if I want to be#ause I want to)" I said, trying to sound teasing.
"+ou don't hae to feel like you hae to do anything for me," "athan
said.
"I want to do what I say I want to do," I said, an ine7pli#able irritation
mounting. "I don't feel obligated to do anything. 't all."
"athan remained silent. I #apitulated abruptly. (e'd had this
#onersation one too many times. "8et's &ust wat#h a moie at your
pla#e and take it from there, okay)"
I told myself that he wanted a relationship that wasn't too physi#al 1
that he wanted to e7perien#e going slow, fo#ussing on the little things,
being ready for eery single ne7t step. It wasn't that he thought I was
young, or ine7perien#ed, or ,ragile or something 1 of #ourse it wasn't.
"-kay." "athan kneaded his fingers through my hair and I leaned into
his palm, #losing my eyes. "Hey."
I met his ga2e.
His hand lightly tou#hed my #heek. "+ou're going to hae a good time
tonight, I promise."
Hope flared in my #hest. "+eah)"
"I promise," he repeated solemnly.
I had a 9o#ial Committee meeting after s#hool. 9in#e .alentine's *ay
had been a few days ago, the Committee had made a short film about
the definition of loe and were showing the edited ersion that the
s#hool would see on Monday. Committee members had trawled the
mall and other pla#es in 8inbury last weekend, asking people what
they thought loe was and filming their answers.
I got there early and was surprised to see ,e seating by herself in
the #orner. !he lights were out and it was pit#h-dark apart from the
fli#kering glow of the #omputer s#reen in front of her. 's I drew #loser,
I heard her shallow, ragged breaths and saw her #url and un#url her
fist.
",e)" I said timidly. /o7anne and I had grown somewhat #lose now
in our mututal antagonism, but ,e remained as aloof as eer.
,e &umped. 9he whirled around, #oldness #oering the an7iety in her
eyes within moments. "+ou're early," she said, throwing ba#k her
head.
"(hat's wrong)" I persisted. I glan#ed at the laptop #omputer
instin#tiely and #aught the light-blue glow of the Collegeboard site.
""othing." ,e moed, #oering up the s#reen. "(hy don't you hae a
seat) /o7anne will be here in a moment and we #an get the
presentation started."
I sat. (e wat#hed ea#h other for a moment before the door burst
open and /o7anne and a group of girls who made up the Committee
s#rambled in.
",ie!" /o7anne made a beeline for ,e, who was hoering
prote#tiely around her #omputer. "How'd you do)"
"I got a KJCL," *eborah (ilson #rowed. "I guess I might not have to
go to /utgers after all."
8auren Morgan's fa#e fell. "I got a KKLL. I guess I'll hae to retake it in
the summer."
I understood> they were talking about 9'! s#ores. (as that what ,e
had been so upset about) (hy was she taking the test as a
sophomore, anyway)
/o7anne was wat#hing ,e, who wasn't saying anything. Her hair
flying, /o7anne turned, shielding the younger girl with her body.
"/ight, people, let's wat#h the presentation now, shall we) 'nd wat#h
out for any last-minute editing to be done - e7tra#urri#ulars matter as
mu#h as standardi2ed testing in #ollege admissions, remember!"
!here was a wae of assent and the film started.
!here was a #lose-up of an e7traagant arrangement of red roses
before the #amera pulled ba#k to let in the fa#e of a pimpled blond boy
standing ne7t to it. "8oe is about grand gestures, right) 8ike the
whole #hasing some #hi#k to the airport so she doesn't, like, leave,
and stuff. 9tanding up on a table in the #aff and singing and shit."
!he girls sni#kered.
' middle-aged woman with a harrassed e7pression< "6riendship
before loe, that's all I #an say. 'nd don't hae se7 till you trust him!"
' goth-looking girl with pasty white makeup< "+ou gotta be willing to
get tats of his name on your ass, yeah)!"
'nother goth-looking girl with dark lipsti#k< "8oe) 4lease. !hat's &ust
an elaborate fantasy #rafted by a fas#ist multinational-#orporation-
#ontrolled nation of fools to sell oerpri#ed pie#es of paper with goopy
mushy sentimental lies inside them."
"I take it she doesn't hae a boyfriend," 8auren Morgan whispered
snidely.
")on't ,all in love or you'll end up like "aptain "rawley/ $iserable,
betrayed, and lonely/* I remembered ?a#h's words from that long-ago
,nglish #lass and #len#hed my fists against the wae of%what) I
didn't know what the feeling was.
' brown-eyed girl in a grey hoodie< "8oe) (ell, I don't know. It's not
some permanent, eerlasting thing, be#ause human beings #hange
eery day. I guess it's &ust%this feeling. 0ig enough to make you take
the risk of it going away someday."
/o7anne glan#ed at me. I looked away. I'd been e7#ited for this
presentation be#ause I'd thought it'd gie me some insight into what
loe was, let me know if I really felt for "athan what eeryone thought
I did. 0ut we were halfway through it and I was as #onfused as eer.
"8oe is about trust," a boy said seriously. "!rusting someone to loe
you despite your faults. !rusting someone not to hurt you."
I felt a smile hoer around my fa#e. "athan loed me, didn't he)
*espite all my faults. I trusted him not to hurt me. I knew he wouldn't.
!he #amera pulled ba#k to reeal a girl standing ne7t to him. "+eah,
but you hae to feel like it's okay if he hurts you, it's worth it."
"8oe is about feeling alie," an old woman with stark-white hair said
wistfully. "6eeling like the sun shines brighter, your senses are
sharper, eerything tastes better. 6eeling inin#ible, like you #an do
anything, rise aboe yourself and at the same time, a#knowledge
hidden parts of yourself when you're with him. 6eeling brae and bold.
+our tears hurt more and your laughter #omes from the heart and
you're not afraid to show it. !he little tingles in your stoma#h, feeling
like you #an't imagine being with anyone else, thinking about nothing
but him 1 it's #ertainly a lot of fun, isn't it)" 9he giggled.
My smile faded.
' #ouple of girls, holding hands< "8oe is about being yourself." !he
shorter girl kissed the taller girl on the #heek. "'nd, you know, lots of
good se7. -h, and a lot of work. It's always haing to say you're sorry
1 and that being worth it."
"Hey!" !he taller girl shoed the shorter girl playfully. "8ike you know
anything about saying sorry."
!he shorter girl grinned at the #amera. "I &ust want to say that it's not
always about passion. !here's friendship, too. !rust. 0eing kind to
ea#h other. Compromise."
"0asi#ally all that boring stuff," the taller girl said.
' boy with seeral gold #hains around his ne#k, a smirk of Her#ulean
proportions, and the waistband of his &eans somewhere down around
his knees< "*o you beliee in loe at first sight or do I need to walk by
again)"
"How about you walk away again)" /o7anne's disembodied oi#e.
,eryone #hu#kled.
"It's when a girl and a guy are totally hot and totally popular and
they're &ust meant to be!" !he gum-#hewing girl's oi#e rose in an
e7#ited shriek.
"8oe)" ' girl raised dreamy ha2el eyes to the #amera. "(ow. (ell,
you know, Cassman said that it's a friendship set to musi#. 0ut then
6rost talks about it as an irresistible desire to be desired 1 there's a
hint of se7 there. 'nd 9hakespeare says the #ourse of true loe neer
did run smooth 1 so there's an element of struggle inoled. C.9
8ewis says we loe to know we are not alone, but that's &ust so
cynical. 'nd%"
"'n ,nglish ma&or, ladies and gentleman," /o7anne snorted.
"(hy don't you tell us what you say)" /o7anne's disembodied oi#e
again ons#reen.
"Can I talk about ideal loe)" !he ha2el-eyed girl asked. 4resumably
at a nod offs#reen, she brightened and fa#ed the #amera again. "(ell,
in my opinion, loe should start with friendship. +ou hae plenty to say
to the guy or girl, you #an talk about anything, and there's no pressure
to flirt, but you do sometimes when you want to. +ou do things for
ea#h other, you keep ea#h other on your toes, you stimulate ea#h
other, and before long you start feeling 1 butterflies. 'nd then you
#an't imagine being with anyone else. Maybe you hae fights, neither
of you think of ea#h other as perfe#t. 0ut that's okay, be#ause you
don't hae to a#t ,ake with ea#h other 1 you #an &ust, you know, say
whateer and storm out and then #ome ba#k to ea#h other. It's not
what he does for you or what eeryone else says or what he #an gie
you or een what ;ualities of his you like 1 it's &ust him, his presen#e,
that you #are about, it oerrides eerything. !hat's &ust so romanti#,
don't you think)"
"'re you a Chu#k and 0lair fan)" #ame the disembodied oi#e.
*eborah s;uealed.
*reamy ,yes looked guilty. "I'm a /hett and 9#arlet fan," she said
stiffly. "'nyway, it takes time 1 you hae to know who you are, know
e7a#tly what you're feeling and be #omfortable with it before you #an
hae that kind of loe. +ou hae to loe yourself 1"
"-kay, this is getting nauseating." /o7anne stood. "+ou guys wat#h
the rest, I'm going to step out for a se#. ,ie, sophomore, #ome with)"
My head was reeling with #onfusion, and I #omplied. 'fter a moment,
,e followed. /o7anne turned to fa#e us. "9o)" she said to ,e.
,e looked pointedly at me. /o7anne rolled her eyes. "*o you really
think sophomore will #are) 9he'd probably kill for a AKLL."
,e hesitated, then seemed to make up her mind. "KJBL," she said
;uietly.
My eyes widened. ",ie!" /o7anne s;uealed. "'re you fu#king
kidding me) How fu#king dare you look so upset)"
,e #losed her eyes, breathing hard. "I was so #lose, /o7anne, I was
so ,ucking close."
"-h, for $od's sake." /o7anne sighed. ",e, you hae to stop doing
this to yourself. ' BB doesn't mean the world is ending, a KJBL is a
perfe#t s#ore 1"
"It's not," ,e snarled harshly. "It's almost perfe#t."
I didn't know what to say. I stared at ,e.
"-h, honey." /o7anne wrapped an arm around her friend. "+ou're way
too hard on yourself." 9he looked at me. "9ophomore," she said,
almost kindly, "take the bus. I need to take this little idiot somewhere."
I ba#ked away, half-afraid of ,e. I would neer understand her, that
was for sure. 0ut how #ould I when I didn't een understand myself)
,ri#a dressed me up for my date with "athan. -er my protests that I
was &ust going to his house, she poured me into a /o7anne-
pur#hased 0etsey =ohnson top and #aked my fa#e with makeup. "I
neer get to do this anymore," she said with puppy dog eyes. ":arin's
your style #onsultant now."
=ust like she wanted, I felt guilty and gae in.
"/i#," I said as she dusted bron2er around my ne#k. "(hat do you
think loe is)"
"Huh)" she said aguely, assessing my ne#k #riti#ally. "3h, yeah, it's
what you and "athan hae, totally."
"+ou really think so)"
"-h, yeah," ,ri#a said wistfully. "He's hot and ri#h and smart and
sweet and he takes #are of you and takes you to 4aris and trusts you
and loes you 1 he's like some knight in shining armour. He treats you
like a ;ueen. 'nd you're, like, totally obsessed with making him happy.
!here. +ou're done."
I was afraid to look in the mirror.
"I thought we were &ust going to your house," I said as the (ellington
mansion flashed by "athan's speeding 4ors#he.
"(e are," "athan said, smirking.
"0ut we &ust passed it," I said un#ertainly.
"athan's eyes twinkled at me. "Hae I told you that you look really,
really hot yet)"
I smiled. ""o, but I beliee the word #ute passed your lips a few times.
*on't distra#t me. (here are we going)"
"I told you," "athan said inno#ently. !he gates of 8inbury were
drawing #lose, and then we were past them. "My house."
"0ut 1" I #raned my ne#k to look behind me. "(e're not een in the
same town as your house."
"=ust trust me," "athan grinned.
"8oe is about trust," I murmured, remembering the boy in the ideo.
"athan looked amused. "+eah) (hat else is it about)"
I s;uirmed. "8ots of things." I sear#hed for a #hange of sub&e#t. ",e
got a KJBL on her 9'!s," I blurted.
"(ow." "athan shook his head. ""ot that I'm surprised. !hat girl isn't
&ust a genius 1 she's the most hardworking genius on the planet."
"9he was really upset about it, though." I fiddled with the hem of my
dress. "9he said it was almost perfe#t."
"!hat doesn't surprise me either." "athan looked thoughtful. "9he's
always been a perfe#tionist. "eer in her life gotten less than an ' in
anything, always rises to a leadership position in whateer she's
inoled in. Hae you seen her #lothes) 'lways perfe#tly ironed, not a
hair out of pla#e."
I frowned. "+eah." (as that a note of admiration I'd heard in his oi#e)
"+eah. 9he thinks it's messy to make a mistake. 9he hates messes
more than anything else in the world 1 she neer got food on her shirt
as a kid. 9he thinks it's messy to wear bright #olours, or raise her
oi#e. 9he prefers to stay in the ba#kground rather than stand out for
being too loud or too tasteless or too, well, messy."
"!hat's kind of messed up," I said honestly.
"+eah," "athan said thoughtfully. "I guess we're all kind of messed
up."
I s;uee2ed his knee. "+ou're not. +ou're the knight in shining armour
res#uing messed up people. !hat's what ,ri#a thinks, anyway."
"athan laughed, his pensie look eaporating. "(hat do you think)"
"+ou know what I think," I said lightly. "I beliee the word loe is
inoled in my thoughts."
"I loe you too," "athan said, smiling. "'nd, with the best timing
possible, we're here."
I looked up at the #ottage-like house we'd stopped in front of. It looked
like something out of a pi#ture in a fairytale book. "0ut we're in Heer."
"My grandparents bought this street last week," "athan e7plained.
"!hey're going to make it into a hotel, but I asked to use this #ottage
this week."
My stoma#h wobbled. "It's so pretty."
"athan kissed the #orner of my mouth. "9hall we, milady)" he said in
a bad 6ren#h a##ent.
It looked like a fairytale house inside, too< butter-yellow walls and
fluttering white la#e #urtains and dark wood. !he rough-looking wood
table was set with food 1 bread and #heese and wine and many
different kinds of dessert, #heese#ake and flap&a#ks and strawberries-
and-#ream and i#e-#ream and pie and #aramel #ustard. ' fire roared
in the ;uaint bri#k-walled firepla#e. I felt unsteady> I still wasn't used to
the large-s#ale pampering I got from "athan.
"!his is ama2ing," I said, and threw my arms around his ne#k.
He nu22led my throat before lifting his head to kiss me. I took my time
kissing him ba#k, running my tongue oer his familiar taste. He
stumbled ba#kwards and fell on the #ou#h and tugged me down on
his lap. I raised my fa#e from his and looked him s;uarely in the eye.
"I'm going to feel you up now," I announ#ed.
He looked startled. I e7pe#ted him to 1 I knew he would 1 pull ba#k.
:iss me again, gently, until I forgot 1 or pretended to forget 1 what
he'd said. 9uggest starting on the dessert> maybe een hold me while
I ate. 's usual.
Instead, he looked down, sweeping his magneti# green eyes upwards
from my waist to my fa#e. I felt myself flush 1 there was something in
his e7pression that he normally tried to hide. "-kay," he whispered.
9urprise took my breath away. "/eally)" I said wonderingly.
His lips #ured upwards. "Changed your mind already)"
I responded to the #hallenge, pressing my lips to his &awbone before
moing downwards. His fingers trembled as he pushed my shirt
upwards. His thumb was ery warm on my stoma#h. It made me
shier. I #ouldn't restrain myself> I tugged on his &a#ket, almost tearing
it as I pushed it off his body. He groaned, a ery soft half-groan-half-
#hu#kle. His hands moed up to my rib#age with tantali2ing slowness.
(e kissed again, heatedly, our mouths moing in tandem with the
#ra#kle of the fire.
My hands fluttered to the waistband of his dress pants and he stopped
moing.
"(hat's wrong)" !he words #aught in my throat.
"+ou're not 1" "athan's oi#e was thi#k. "'re you sure)"
I tried to smile a sedu#tie, /o7anne-like smile. I probably failed
miserably, but I ploughed on. "(hy not)"
"+ou 1 we 1" "athan reddened. I #ould feel his heartbeat thumping
against my #ollarbone. "+our irginity 1 I 1 here) "ow)"
I reared ba#k. "(ait, what)"
"+ou really want to do it for the first time here) "ow) I mean, are you
#ompletely sure, be#ause 1" "athan had regained some of his
#omposure.
"I'm not 1 " My oi#e broke. ' terrible, horrible suspi#ion was growing
in my mind. ""athan, I'm not a%this 1 it wouldn't be my first time."
"athan's eyes widened as if I'd slapped him. "+ou're 1 not 1"
9haking, I moed off his lap. -h, $od. I was su#h an idiot. ""o," I said
feebly. ""o, I'm not."
"athan didn't say anything for a few se#onds. "I thought you were," he
said at last, weakly.
'nger was repla#ing the dread. "(hy would you think that) (hy
would you &ust assume)"
He didn't reply.
0ut I knew the answer< he'd assumed I was a irgin be#ause he'd
painted a pi#ture of me in his head that had nothing to do with who I
truly was. He'd put me on a pedestal, #lad me in shining white robes,
put a halo on my head, and pro#eeded to loe that angeli#, faultless
image with my fa#e and my body.
I buried my fa#e in my hands. "-h, $od. I #an't do this."
'fter a moment I felt "athan's tentatie hand on my ba#k. "Hey," he
said. (hen I looked at him his eyes were sin#ere, deoted, as they'd
always been. "Hey. It's%I'm sorry I &ust assumed. It's &ust that you're
so young%but I know you had a longtime boyfriend before me 1 three
years, right) I should hae known. I'm a moron. I'm sorry. Maybe I &ust
wanted to 1 hey, baby, please look at me."
I did. I felt hollow inside, like an empty pie#e of land where treasure
was on#e buried and had been dug up. "(hat if I hadn't lost it to
Curtis) (hat if I'd &ust had a random one-night stand with some guy
from a bar)"
"0ut 1 you didn't," "athan said un#ertainly.
It would be easy to agree, to let it go, to put my head on his shoulder
and let him take my doubts away like he always did. 0ut that was what
had led me to this moment, wasn't it) I'd been so afraid of
disappointing him, losing him 1 losing the smiles and the deotion and
the happiness and the sheer perfe#tion 1 that I'd let him build me up
as mu#h as he wanted. Had I really deluded myself into thinking that I
wouldn't let him down eentually)
""ate," I said, one last try. "!ell me something you hate about me."
"athan blinked. "(hat) I don't hate anything about you. I loe you."
' sob burst from my throat. "!here has to be something, "athan, there
has to 1 the way I #hew, the shape of my ears, something, anything."
He didn't speak.
He didn't loe me despite my faults. He loed me be#ause he didn't
know anything about me. He didn't loe me. I might as well hae been
=ane *oe from 8ondon for all I had in #ommon to the person he did
loe.
"I 1 we need to take a break." I #ouldn't look at him, #ouldn't see the
hurt and the bewilderment #loud his eyes.
"(hat)" "athan e7ploded. ""o, 9um 1"
"+ou don't know me, "ate, you &ust don't know me, and we're moing
too fast, we &ust 1"
"(e don't hae to do this now 1" He gestured from his pants to my
legs. "9ummer, baby, #ome on, lets &ust eat dessert and talk and 1"
""o, you don't understand, you don't." I had to keep moing, keep
talking. If I stopped to think I &ust wouldn't be able to gie him up. I
#ouldn't beliee I was doing this 1 what was # doing) "I #an't be with
you, I #an't keep rushing forward without breathing, I #an't listen to you
tell me you loe me when you don't 1"
"0ut I do lo 1"
"*on't say it!" I #lapped my hands oer my ears. ""athan, please,
don't hate me, I &ust 1 please 1 I need to be alone and 1 and 1 $od, I
#an't beliee I'm saying this when you are the most perfe#t thing that
has eer happened to me 1 but I 1 I need to take a break."
"+ou're doing it again." "athan's tone was an unbearable whimper.
"+ou're running away again, 9ummer, tell me what I hae to do 1"
"+ou don't hae to do anything!" I shrieked. "*on't you get it, "athan,
you're not supposed to feel like you hae to do eerything for me!"
"9ummer 1"
"4lease, "athan, please." I looked at him then, feeling my heart break
een as I did. 0ut I would be brae> I would figure eerything out and
then go ba#k to him. I would let him know who I was and see if he
wanted me then. I needed to let go of him for now. "4lease gie me
some time."
If he had begged and pleaded, if he had #alled me a bit#h and
a##used me of running away, I didn't know what would hae
happened. 0ut he &ust looked at me with stone-#old deadness and
whispered, "-kay."
I #rept into my room at midnight and spent the rest of the night #rying.
's sunlight appeared I felt een worse> when a #ouple of hot showers
failed to hae a soporifi# effe#t, I &ust put on my uniform and went
outside to wait for the bus.
!hornton was mostly empty. I #ould hear the sounds of the basketball
players in the gym and I du#ked past it, #reeping into the library like a
spy. I inhaled the s#ent of books and felt pea#e settle into my bones 1
at least I had this. I wasn't a moron 1 I knew that whateer tentatie
tru#e I'd established with /o7anne would be shattered now that I no
longer was the It-0oy's girlfriend. I'd be lying if I said that the thought
of being ba#k to s;uare one didn't s#are the #rap out of me, but I had
no #hoi#e but to deal with it.
"(here's the entourage)"
!he sardoni# oi#e #aused my heart to &ump into my mouth. My pulse
hammering, I looked up at ?a#h.
")o you seriously think that #'m going to stand on a ,ucking kissing
booth and tell you # want you? !ow ,ucking dumb can you get?"
"2verly civiliCed human beings cooked up the idea o, love to e6cuse
their primitive impulses to breed and their need ,or se6/*
"(ell, it's like this," I said, keeping my #ool. "(hen the #ommoner
breaks up with the prin#e, the entourage goes ba#k to treating her like
mouldy, furry things that grow in her non-designer shoes."
?a#h's eyes fli#kered. "+ou did what)"
"I don't want to talk about it," I said, rea#hing blindly for the first book I
saw. $od, why wouldn't my heart slow down)
"(hy)" ?a#h said ;uietly.
"I &ust don't want to," I said, flipping through the pages of the book.
&he 2ther +oleyn .irl. "I heard that this is basi#ally the most
histori#ally ina##urate histori#al noel in the genre."
I #ould feel ?a#h's fingertips on my shoulder. My entire body warmed.
""o," he said. "(hy did you break up with him)"
"It's none of your business," I snapped.
He smirked. "I thought I was your ,riend. Isn't that what you asked me
to be)"
3nbidden, fragments of the #onersation we'd had when I'd asked him
to be &ust that &umped into my mind. "I broke up with him be#ause I
needed to be alone."
"'h," ?a#h said. "I thought you broke up with him be#ause you
reali2ed how needy he is."
"He's not needy." I whirled, holding the book out in front of me like a
sword.
"He is, a#tually," ?a#h said, his tone de#eptiely polite. "He'll do
anything to aoid not being loed. In#luding saying the opposite of
what he means, su#king up to eeryone he knows, and doing his best
to be who his friends and girlfriend 1 e7#use me, e6-girlfriend 1 and
tea#hers and family want him to be instead of being who is."
"+ou don't know him," I snarled.
?a#h smirked. "9till so ;ui#k to snap to his defen#e."
I #ould feel anger un#oiling in my #hest, a wel#ome relief to the
sadness that had been there for weeks. "(hat about you) +ou'll do
anything to aoid being loed. +ou'd gie up anything to aoid hurting
your pride."
"'nd that's worse than haing no pride)" ?a#h raised his eyebrows.
"+es!" I spat, turning my ba#k on him.
":id," ?a#h said, and the single word 1 the word I hadn't heard in oer
a month 1 sent a tremor through my body. "+ou're an idiot."
I would neer know what I would hae said in response to that remark,
be#ause at that ery moment :arin burst through the library doors.
"!here you two are, I'e been looking eerywhere! Come on, let's go!"
"$o where)" I said as she grabbed my arm.
"Come on!" she said, hustling ?a#h and me down the hall and starting
to run without looking ba#kwards. ' little s#ared, I followed. (e
pushed through doors and e7ploded into the parking lot.
(here three huge, shining bla#k priate &ets stood.
I blinked twi#e, but they didn't disappear. (e really were in the
!hornton parking lot, and there really were three bla#k planes in front
of us.
"!he hell)" ?a#h said.
/o7anne materiali2ed at the entran#e of one of the &ets, #lad in a bikini
and a sarong despite the wintry weather. 'll around us !hornton
students were appearing, herded by some of the members of the
Champagne $ang, looking as da2ed as I felt. "(el#ome," /o7anne
said into a huge mi#rophone, "to the party of a lifetime."
*eborah (ilson and 8auren Morgan s;uealed as they pushed past us
and ran into one of the &ets. I looked at :arin, sla#k-&awed. "!he
party's in the plane)"
""o, silly," :arin #hirped. "It's in where the planes are going."
"(here are they going)"
"+ou'll see," :arin said happily. ""ow get in!"



2=. One .ight In #ngkok
It was warm and balmy in 0angkok.
I tried not to think about where I was too mu#h, afraid I'd keel oer
from sho#k if I did. 9uarnabhumi 'irport was all #hrome and steel
and glass, un#annily like =6: in "ew +ork, and I felt the heat seep into
my skin the moment we left its air-#onditioned interior. I #on#entrated
on pulling my layers of s#ares and &a#kets off instead of on the rows
of limousines idling at the #urb. /o7anne, of #ourse, strutted
unself#ons#iously in her bikini, reelling in the near-a##idents that this
#aused.
I wasn't sure why she hadn't killed me yet, but I was too tired to #are.
'nd da2ed 1 did I mention that I was in +angkok) %sia)
/o7anne's talons pushed me, 2ombie-like, into one of the limos. :arin
and *eborah and 8auren and a few other girls followed. I dimly
registered them putting the glass partition up between them and the
drier. (ell, at least I'd die haing stepped foot on more than one
#ontinent.
"9o, girls," /o7anne said, her eyes gleaming, "guess what sophomore
did at appro7imately nine-thirty pm on !hursday)"
"9he broke up with "athan," ,e answered primly.
' #horus of shellsho#ked "What*s resounded around the limo. 8auren
burst into tears. "-h my $od, how #ould you)!"
"!his is worse than when 0ennifer #rashed and burned," *eborah
wailed.
/o7anne's arm settled around my shoulder. "(hy the insane and
so#ially destru#tie a#t, (ard)"
"He doesn't loe me," I said dully.
"0ut he took you to 4aris!" *eb looked aghast.
"He's always buying you stuff," 8auren said with an edge of eny.
"He says he loes you, like, a trillion times a day," :arin said eagerly.
"'nd he's neer #heated," =ulie Ma#kintosh said sadly.
I looked at /o7anne. 9he looked strangely put out. "How'd you finally
figure it out)"
I thought I'd misheard her. ",7#use me)"
"-f #ourse he doesn't loe you," /o7anne said impatiently. "He thinks
you're a goddess, and you're #learly not, so he obiously &ust worships
this #ra2y fantasy of you that he's using to sae him from the
philandering ways he's tired of."
9he got it. -f all people, /o7anne Cartwright got it.
"0ut he took her to 8aris!" *eb protested.
"'nd did you see that sapphire ring he got her)" 8auren said
#oetously.
I felt si#k.
"8adies," /o7anne said loudly. "(ho wants #hampagne)"
!he girls dropped the topi# instantly, their thoughts already #onsumed
by their need to get drunk as soon as possible. 3nder #oer of the
whooping and shrieking and popping of #orks, I asked /o7anne,
"'ren't you going to kill me)"
"-h, not yet." 9he gae me a smug little smile. "More fun to wat#h you
s;uirm and wonder when it's #oming."
I turned away from her, too weary to rea#t.
I pressed my #heek to the tinted window and thought of the plane ride
oer. 's soon as I'd entered the &et :arin had pushed me into, I got
what I'd let her take me in for< "athan was sitting in one of the plush
leather seats dire#tly in front of me. I'd stopped moing.
".o on, sit,* Ro6anne said gaily/ *#'ll even let you sit with your
boy,riend instead o, in the luggage carrier/*
# heard -ach's sardonic chuckle behind me/ *)idn't you hear? &hey
broke up/*
Silence/ #t was a loud one/ Ro6anne went very still/ 4ve, "hris, 3arin,
Shaya F they all seemed to be holding their breaths/ # shot -ach a
look o, pure hatred/
"#s it true?* Ro6anne's voice was completely unlike her usual
seductive purr/
"Yeah,* athan said shortly/
# opened my mouth, but Ro6anne beat me to speech/ *2kay/ )o you
want me to make her leave noww or should # wait till we're in the air?
We'll be ,lying over the ocean at some point/ She might not even die i,
we push her o,, then/*
"hris looked alarmed/ Shaya looked stunned/ 4ve said, *Ro6y F*
"#'m going to go now,* # said with all the dignity # could muster, even
though all # wanted was to talk to athan/
"o,* athan said/ *0et her stay/* $y eyes ,lashed to his
e6pressionless ,ace/
"#, she goes, # go too,* -ach said lightly/ athan's eyes ,lashed and
,roCe/ # gaped at them both/
Ro6anne surveyed -ach ,or a moment/ *Right,* she said ,inally, all
businesslike/ *4ve, "hris, 3ar, athan's sister, you little piece o,
sophomore trash F sit/*
# knew # should get o,, and go home/ +ut athan was right there F i,
only # could talk to him, 7ust e6plain where # was coming ,rom, maybe,
7ust maybe, things wouldn't be so aw,ul/ # hurried over to the seat ne6t
to him/ *&hanks ,or F*
!e shot up, and there was a cold ,inality in the way he walked ,irmly
over to Shaya and sat down ne6t to her/ # heard Ro6anne call his
name and him say curtly, *0ater, Ro6y/*
# slumped in my seat as the plane revved up, trapped/
Suddenly -ach was in athan's seat/ *Seems like 0over +oy grew a
spine at last/*
".o die, -ach,* # said venomously/
&alk o, inA,light movies startedH ,ood and drinks were brought in/ %
,light attendant thumped my passport down beside me F how had
Ro6anne gotten hold o, it? # put it in my backpack without attempting
to check where we were going/ Who the hell cared?
-ach pulled !he -ther 0oleyn $irl out o, his bag and began to read
with a smug look at me/ Suppressing the urge to snatch it out o, his
grasp and hit him on the head with it, # closed my eyes/
$erci,ully, the sleep that had evaded me all night wasn't long in
coming/
'nd now I was on the other side of the world with no money, no
#lothes, and nothing to read. /o7anne #ould sell me to a brothel or
hire the !hai Mafia to kill me or simply leae me there to rot and
nobody would eer know.
!he thing is, it was kind of hard to stay depressed in 0angkok.
0uildings and stru#tures of all shapes and si2es were &ammed
together on the gray sidewalks 1 &ewelry stores, M#*onalds,
restaurants of all kinds, bars, little eateries, bookstores, E-,leens,
roadside stalls show#asing #lothes of an impossibly petite si2e,
endors frying noodles and pie#es of #hi#ken and fish &ammed
together on sti#ks, #lothes lines with shorts and tank tops drying in the
air, rows of wire running around the fa#ades of buildings with fading
paint.
,eryone wore #lothes of impossibly bright #olours and logos, the
white-skinned foreigners and uniformly slim lo#als alike. !he sun was
s#or#hingly brilliant> when I rolled down the window to sniff the air
surreptitiously, I smelled dry heat and the su##ulent s#ent of frying
meat. 0ridges ran oerhead, #onne#ting seeral large shopping
#entres. !here were temples with shining golden statues and
enormous billboards featuring the :ing of !hailand, huge malls strung
with glittering #rystal lights and redOand-green-and-yellow ta7is
emitting thumping (estern musi#.
I was afraid to blink in #ase I missed something.
"(here're we staying)" *eborah shouted. 9he was on her third flute
of Cristal and seemed in#apable of speaking normally.
"-n the rier," /o7anne shouted ba#k. 9he shimmied in her seat,
winking at *eb. "+ou'll see!"
I #aught a glimpse of the Chao 4raya rier &ust about then< it was the
#olour of dirt, with seeral bundles of leaes floating down it. 0efore I
#ould see more, we were turning another #orner and sweeping up the
drieway of a tall white hotel. !he pebbled path with pools of water at
ea#h side led to a massie lobby, all dim lighting and plants and iid-
#oloured silk #ushions. /o7anne all but leaped out of her seat, waing
the other two limos to a stop.
",erybody," she shouted, "(el#ome to the Millenium Hilton 0angkok
Hotel!"
!he #heers were deafening. !here were maybe twenty-fie elite
!hornton students in all, in#luding the Champagne $ang, and twenty
of them engulfed /o7anne with hugs and shouts of gratitude. I stood a
little to the side, looking for "athan.
He swept by me and into the hotel without a single glan#e.
*efeated, I followed the shouting, s#reaming mass of 'meri#an
teenagers into the lobby. /o7anne waited for them to surge ahead
before turning to me. "+ou still there, sophomore)"
"/o7anne," I said, "how did you pay for all this)"
"!he Champagne $ang 6und," /o7anne said blithely.
"!he what)" I stared at her.
/o7anne rolled her eyes. ",erybody who's been part of my friend
group for the last si7 years #ontributed. 'nd I hae plenty of money of
my own, thank you ery mu#h."
"9o%" I paused. "!his is how you're going to destroy 9haya) 0y
making eeryone su#k up to you in hopes of doing this again)"
/o7anne gae me a se#retie little smile. "+ou ask too many
;uestions, sophomore. 9o. (hat do you think)"
"(hat do you #are)" I retorted.
"$od." 9he shook her head. "I bring you to one of the most lu7urious
hotels in one of the most lu7urious pla#es in the world and you still
grumble and groan."
I #ouldn't resist smiling ba#k. "I guess I'll get to spend my last few
days in lu7ury, then."
/o7anne hesitated for a moment, then gae me a serious look. "I
don't think I'm going to massa#re you. "ot #ompletely."
!his took the wind out of my sails. "0ut%"
""o," she said. "+ou will still pay for hurting "athan. 0eliee me.
0ut%" 9he was smiling again. "I hae a feeling you'll be an It-
$irlfriend again ery soon."
"I'm not getting ba#k together with "athan," I said sharply. ""ot for a
ery long time."
"-h, I know," /o7anne said #heerfully.
"!hen what 1" I started, but she took my arm, #utting me off.
"8ook, sophomore, you're loyal and you're honest." 9he snorted. "'nd
#ompletely naMe, but whateer. I'll make a deal with you. I'll leae you
alone for the duration of this trip if you promise to stay on my side
instead of 9haya's."
"9haya's my friend," I said.
"#'m your friend," /o7anne said sharply. "8ook at what I'm doing for
you."
"/o7anne, I'm in#redibly grateful to you for bringing me here, I am,
and I wish I #ould say that I'll pay you ba#k for my e7penses but I
know I won't be able to, and I'm really sorry that I #ame here under
false pretenses be#ause I know that if you'd found out "athan and I 1
that we 1 but I was too da2ed to een say anything and I was stupid
be#ause I really needed to talk to "athan but 1 and maybe he will talk
to me while we're here, he has to 1 "
/o7anne groaned, interrupting me. "$od, sophomore, you never
learn." 9he let go off my arm. "6ine," she said. "I'll let go of this for the
moment. 0ut beliee me, there will be a time when you're going to
hae to #hoose."
9he stalked off, leaing me wondering what she'd meant 1 #hoose
between her and 9haya) -r was she talking about 1 another kind of
#hoi#e) !he kind of #hoi#e I thought I'd made for #ertain that day in
=anuary)
0reakfast was in an enormous rier-fa#ing hotel restaurant with a
glass wall displaying the tables outside and stained-glass water
glasses on eery table. It was a sumptuous buffet spread. 6ie kinds
of bread, muffins, waffles, pan#akes Fwith whipped #ream and butter
and &elly and honeyG, ba#on, hash browns, eggs made any way you
liked them, fried ri#e, teriyaki #hi#ken, an assortment of sushi, four
kinds of &ui#e, mushrooms and tomatoes. 's far from being hungry as
I was, I #ouldn't stop goggling at the food. -n#e my plate was loaded,
I looked around. (here would I sit) ,eryone had #rammed into
tables with their friends, and none of them looked wel#oming. Clearly
news of my split with "athan had spread already.
9haya and "athan were sitting not with the rest of the Champagne
$ang, but with a bun#h of 9haya's admirers from the la#rosse team. It
was the only table I wanted to be at, but there was no pla#e and I was
afraid to approa#h. Maybe on#e I'd showered and felt a little #lear-
headed%
'9o, kid." ?a#h's drawl. "6eeling like an outsider again)"
"+ou'd know a lot about that," I muttered, refusing to look at him.
/o7anne, of all people, res#ued me. "9ophomore, ?a#h, oer here,"
she said impatiently, waing from the Champagne $ang table.
""athan, why the hell are you sitting all the way oer there)"
"athan looked at her #oolly. "I don't see the string tying me to
whereer you are."
/o7anne waered for a se#ond, her #heeks warming, before smiling
brilliantly and flinging her head around. "Hey, ,e, how's the teriyaki)"
"(ow," ?a#h purred #lose to my ear. "+ou managed to turn him into a
sulking little boy who isn't afraid to make other people like him a little
less all in one day, kid."
"'gain," I said #almly, "you'd know a hell of a lot about that."
(ith that, I mar#hed oer to /o7anne's table.
"9o now we hae a problem with the sleeping arrangements,"
/o7anne said, looking at me a##usingly. "I booked a suite for you and
"athan, but obiously that's not going to work now. I don't know where
to put you. Maybe 1"
"My room," ?a#h said briefly.
I looked at him in horror een as my heart skipped seeral beats.
"What) "o 1"
/o7anne's lips turned up. "Well. !hat would #ertainly be a solution. I
put Chris in ?a#h's suite and I know .anessa won't mind haing him
with her, and she totally would mind "athan's e7, so%"
""o," I said passionately. ""o way. "o fu#king way."
/o7anne's eyes glittered at me. You will still pay ,or hurting athan/
(ell, this was #ertainly one way to torture me, and she knew it.
"$reat," she said silkily. "!hanks, ?a#h."
9he was paying my way> I had no way of leaing, going ba#k home
now. I took a deep breath. I'd shared a room with ?a#h before 1 I
#ould do this. (e were friends, offi#ially. I'd &ust 1 stay in the #orridor
all night if that was what it took. I #ould 1 I #ould 1
I was in trouble.
I rounded on ?a#h as soon as we were in the eleator. "(hat the
hell)" I hissed.
"(hat)" He sounded bored.
"I don't want to share a room with you, and you know it!"
"(ell," ?a#h said, shrugging, "that's too bad, isn't it)"
"*o you want me in your room so "athan #an see it and start thinking
something's up)" I demanded heatedly. "Is that what this is about)"
!he eleator doors dinged open. I #ould see the rier through the
glass window on one side, surrounded by other magnifi#ent rierside
hotels and buildings. "+ou seem to think that all my thoughts are
#onsumed by "athan," ?a#h said, strolling into the #arpeted hallway.
"'ren't they)" I s#urried after him.
""ah," ?a#h said easily. "Mostly I &ust think about haing se7 with
you."
!he bottom dropped out of my stoma#h. I wat#hed him disappear
down the #orridor, my mouth hanging open. My #heeks felt hot> my
body felt hot.
"+ou #oming)" ?a#h half-turned impatiently.
I dropped my head and followed him to the suite at the end of the hall.
(e didn't speak as we entered the large, sunny room with the bay
windows, an orange #arpet, funky prints on the walls, and wooden
furniture so dark it was almost bla#k. ' pair of yellow du#ks stood on
the bathroom #ounter, an endearing tou#h. !he smiley re#eptionist in
printed !hai silk asked if eerything was to our #omfort before
whisking off outside.
"I'm taking a nap," ?a#h announ#ed.
I tried to speak normally, een though I still felt unnaturally hot. "+ou'll
get &et lag."
"(hateer," ?a#h said, lifting the pristine #oers off the double bed. I
#ouldn't help but wat#h him as he slid in sleekly, resting his head on
his elbow. My insides twinged painfully.
# paced at the deserted school gates, waiting ,or -ach to arrive/ #'d
promised Ro6anne # would talk to him, and scary as it ,elt to even try, #
was doing my best to be brave/
# missed him/
&he bell had rung and #'d almost decided to leave when he sauntered
in/ !e was wearing a yellow &Ashirt under his &hornton blaCer/ #'d
never seen him wearing anything but dark colors be,ore, and my heart
,elt ,unny at the sight/
athan, # reminded mysel,, and threw my body into his path/
!e looked down at me ,or a second/ *&ired o, 8.Arated hanging out
with your boy,riend already?*
"You're wearing yellow,* # said ,oolishly/
"Sure it's not green?* !e moved as i, to brush past me/ # was tempted
to 7ust let himH # could barely speak ,or nervousness/
"-ach,* # managed to say/ *Wait/*
"#, you're going to tell me to stay away ,rom you, #'d 7ust like to point
out that you're kind o, de,eating the purpose,* he said coldly/
#'d planned to speak much more care,ully, but # ,elt that ,amiliar spark
o, anger and e6citement/ *Ro6anne said # had to talk to you,* # said
,latly/
!is eyes ,lickered/ *$ission accomplished/*
"Why'd you do it?* # blurted/
")o what?*
"&ake Ro6anne's orders,* # said/ # bit my lip/ *%nd F and kiss me/*
!e took a step closer/ *# wanted to,* he said huskily/
$y temper ,lared even as my stomach ,luttered/ *You can't 7ust do
what you want, whenever you want, it's F it's F*
"3id,* he said/ *$aybe i, you had the con,idence to do that once in a
while you'd be happy ,or once/*
"#s that what you are?* # said acidly/ *!appy?*
"2, course not/* !is tone was light/ *!ow can # be happy when you're
Wellington's bitch?*
"&hat's all you care about, isn't it?* # e6ploded/ *8issing athan o,,!
You 7ust need to make him miserable, and that's it F that's all!*
!e was watching me, his eyes clouding/ *# don't give two shits about
athan Wellington,* he growled/
"You don't give two shits about anything!* # put my hands on his chest,
shoving it hard/ *ot Yale, not your books or your ,riends or your
,amily, and certainly not F me F it's all a ,ucking game to you, -ach,
isn't it? &hat's why you listened to Ro6anne and made ,riends with
me, that's why you took me to Snellwood and le,t me there F that's
why you did all you could to make me ,eel like utter ,ilth on that train!*
!is ,ingers closed like a brand around my wrists/ *)o you want to
know why # did what # did on the train? *o you?*
# couldn't look at him/
!e let go o,, my wrists, his hands trembling/ *Your sister was watching
that ,ucking garbage o, a &5 show, and that moronic geek was on a
kissing booth going on and on about how much he wants 9ummer,
and do you know what # thought o,? )o you!*
$utely, # shook my head/ # was strangely a,raid o, ,inding out/
"# thought o, you!* he spat/
# drew in a ragged breath/ *$e?*
"Yes, you, 9ummer!* !e said my name like a curse/ *Fuck, you're like
a disease F you're like a F a F you're always in my fu#king head!*
# ,elt both hot and cold ,or once/ *o,* # said/ *o, you don't know what
you're saying F*
"Yes, # talked to you because o, Ro6anne, yes, # took you to
Snellwood, yes, # didn't give two shits about you then!* he snarled/
*+ut do you give two shits about this?* !e gestured wildly to the
space between us/
# stepped backwards/ *You can't F mess with my head F*
"#'m not, ,or ,uck's sake,* -ach snapped/ *What #'m saying is true F my
,ucking friendship with you was real/*
"# don't know what you want,* # whispered/
"What the hell do you think # want?* !e said, his voice hard/
# clenched my ,ists/ *You kissed me right a,ter # said #'d go out with
athan! Was that 7ust a coincidence, -ach? !ow am # supposed to
know that F that F this F has nothing to do with the ,act that #'m F his F
his F you lied to me, -ach, how am # supposed to believe you?*
"What the hell do you want me to do?* -ach looked incensed/ ")o you
seriously think that #'m going to stand on a ,ucking kissing booth and
tell you # want you? !ow ,ucking dumb can you get?"
"2, course you wouldn't do that!* # shouted/ *4verything always has to
be on your terms, doesn't it? #'m always the one chasing a,ter you,
trying to talk to you, trying to be your ,riend, reassuring you, giving in
when we argue, smoothing things over, and you can't even F oh, it's
very convenient to tell me you F what was it again? F you want me out
here on an empty street and take me by surprise on an empty train,
but you would die be,ore you used the word like, wouldn't you, or
be,ore asking me anything F*
"What do you want me to do, Summer? What do you want me to do,
grovel, beg you to give up athan? #s that what you want? )o you
think # like ,eeling this way, like you're F like #'m completely F
powerless F like you're F like this!*
# looked at him, my knees wobbling/ *# would have done it ,or you,* #
said/ *# wouldn't have given up on you/ # wouldn't have taken out how #
,elt on you/*
!e didn't say anything ,or a moment/ &hen F *+ecause you're 7ust
,ucking per,ect, aren't you?* he said coldly, his eyes ,reeCing/
# ,elt the last ,licker o, hope F longing F that insane ,eeling o, wanting
him F that craCyAoutAo,Acontrol heartAthumping sensation F crash/ #t
hurtH it hurt so much # ,elt diCCy/ # steadied mysel,, thinking o, athanH
athan, who loved me ,or me/ athan, who would do anything ,or me/
athan, the last person in the world # ever wanted to hurt/
%s alive and glowing and stimulated and 7ust plain ,ull o, want as -ach
made me ,eel, athan was the one my ,eelings counted with/
"# will never give up athan,* # said slowly/ *You are nothing but a
,riend to me/*
&he ice in his eyes shattered/ *Summer F*
"o,* # said/ *#, any o, it was real, then 7ust F 7ust F don't/ # will be your
,riend/ #'m begging you to consider being my ,riend/*
%nd then # walked away/
# threw up in the bathroom and cried ,or the two ne6t periods/ %nd
then # decided; whatever # ,elt ,or -ach 7ust didn't matter/ # would throw
mysel, into being athan's girl,riend and a "hampagne .ang
member/ # would listen to Ro6anne/ # would move more, think less, #
wouldn't let mysel, pause; # would keep all my senses occupied and
7ust keep going, and # would be happy/
I got a little better at it eeryday. I neer said more than a few polite
words to ?a#h, and I knew I'd been right to do so 1 he'd neer tried to
talk to me anymore, he'd &ust gien up. /emained aloof and polite.
Missing him hurt in pla#es I neer knew I had, but I was determined to
get oer it. I was determined that I loed "athan, and that he loed
me.
,7#ept that had turned out to be a big lie in the end, hadn't it)
I stared at ?a#h's sleeping form for a minute. /emembering that day
in =anuary made me feel ill> agitated, I drew my ga2e away and
hurried a#ross to the door. /o7anne was e7iting the ad&oining suite.
"-h, thank $od," she said when she saw me. "I was beginning to think
I was the only one awake around here. Come on, let's go."
"$o where)" I said.
/o7anne shrugged. "8et's &ust get the party started."
/o7anne's idea of getting the party started was to go shopping in
:hlongsan 4la2a, an open air ba2aar-type row of shops by the
rierside e7terior of the hotel. I #ould see the rier from the entran#e,
with its myriad of hotel boats floating around 1 all the rierside hotels
had their own boats to ferry their guests to and from the rierside train
station. !hey bobbed around the water with the flags identifying them
as property of the 9heraton or the 9hangri-la, looking a little like
warships of different #ountries.
I had a hundred dollars in my po#ket from last month's 0ig Happy
6amily salary, and while it wouldn't hae bought more than one entire
outfit in 8inbury, it went a long way here. /o7anne held multi#oloured
tops and skirts and pants and headbands against my body and thrust
them into my growing pile. 9he pulled on the one shirt-dress she'd
bought oer her bikini and asked if I wanted to hae a bowl of noodles
from the endor outside.
"I don't want to room with ?a#h," I said braely.
"0ut you want noodles, right)" /o7anne said.
I blinked at her. "/o7anne, I really don't."
"-f #ourse you do," she said. "!he noodles are good, they're hot and
spi#y."
"I meant that I don't want to room with ?a#h," I said.
/o7anne held her pa#kages to her #hest. "+es, you do."
"/o7anne 1"
"9ophomore, do you or do you not hae feelings for ?a#h)"
!aken aba#k, I didn't reply.
"+eah," /o7anne said. "!hat's what I thought."
"0ut I don't 1"
"+es, you do," /o7anne repeated.
"0ut "athan 1"
/o7anne turned on me, her eyes flashing. "*oes everything in the
world hae to be about "athan)"
"I%" I didn't know what to say. (asn't he /o7anne's eerything)"
"+ou neer told me what happened when you talked to ?a#h that day,"
/o7anne said, more #omposedly. "+ou &ust stopped 1 asso#iating with
him."
I looked down at my shoes. ""othing happened."
"9ophomore, you know I'm going to worm it out of you anyway,"
/o7anne said. "=ust make it easier on yourself and tell me. I didn't bug
you about it all these days be#ause eeryone seemed to be doing
okay, at least on the surfa#e. 0ut you had to go and hae an epiphany
and tip the boat, so ;uit preari#ating and tell me."
"He said he wanted me," I said, as briefly as possible. "0ut he
wouldn't fight for me. 'nd I told him we were friends and nothing
more."
/o7anne tilted her head. "He said he wanted you)"
I nodded.
"Huh," /o7anne said, her tone mildly surprised. "*id you really e7pe#t
him to fight for you)"
"I would hae," I said, keeping my oi#e #ontrolled.
"0ut you didn't," /o7anne said. "+ou ran to "athan and buried yourself
in him."
"0e#ause I didn't 1 don't 1 know how I feel about ?a#h! 'nd I%" I
shook my head. "!hought I did. 'bout "athan."
"*o you want ?a#h)" she said sar#asti#ally.
I didn't reply. I #ouldn't look at her. (hat #ould I say) !hat it was all I
knew)
"It's &ust%too #ompli#ated now." !ry as I might, I #ouldn't keep the
misery out of my e7pression. "I #an't &ust%I don't think we'd work. He's
&ust%too%proud. 'nd I don't think he%feels that way anymore."
"/eally)" /o7anne laughed shortly. "*o you really think he doesn't)"
"He wants me," I said. "9o, what, I'll be his whore)" I #ould hear the
hurt in my own oi#e. "I'm not%it's &ust too #ompli#ated, /o7anne."
"'nd you #all him proud," /o7anne sighed. "8ook, sophomore%"
"I &ust don't know how I feel, /o7anne," I said sharply. "-kay)"
"*on't you want to find out)" she said with surprising gentleness.
"I'm not like you, /o7anne," I said. "I'm not brae. I don't &ust go do
whateer the hell I want. 'nd then there's "athan 1"
"(hat about "athan)" /o7anne said, turning her fa#e away from my
sight.
"I don't want him to hate me."
"(hy not)" /o7anne said, sounding frustrated. "(hy the hell is he so
important to you) +ou don't loe him."
"0ut he's tried so hard for me," I tried to e7plain. "He's tried so hard to
make me happy."
"*o you really wonder why ?a#h wouldn't fight for you)" /o7anne
lashed out. "(hen you're always 1 always 1 putting "athan aboe
him)"
Her words took the wind out of my sails. (as that really what I'd
done) 0ut when he'd fought with "athan, I'd gone for him first 1 I'd
neer really put "athan first until I'd thought ?a#h had betrayed me.
Had I) $od, I didn't know 1 I &ust didn't understand. "0ut you said 1
you said if I hurt "athan I'd hae to moe to 9iberia," I said
#onfusedly. "(hy do you suddenly 1"
"I'e tried to prote#t "athan all my life." Her oi#e was like a whip. "%ll
my li,e, you hear me) 'nd look where that's gotten me."
"Is this about his #omment at breakfast)" I was still trying to figure it
out. "'re you looking for reenge) -n athan)" It wasn't like he'd
neer been sharp with her before 1 didn't she desere it) It was odd to
think about /o7anne Cartwright as someone who didn't ne#essarily
desere to be told off.
""o," she said. "+ou know what this is about) !his is about the fa#t
that I'e always put him first, and you know where he puts me)
9omewhere he #an ki#k me and belittle me and step on me and%
and...use me."
!hat /o7anne was speaking harshly about "athan &ust didn't
#ompute. It wasn't possible.
"He's not on my side anymore." /o7anne's oi#e softened, saddened.
"I &ust don't know now if he eer was. 'nd it's not een that surprising,
is it) How #an he pi#k sides when he doesn't een know who he is)"
I grew animated. "(hy do there always hae to be sides) (hy #an't
you &ust be a normal kid and hae fun with your friends and let
eeryone else lie 1"
"-h, #ome on, soph, don't be so naMe." Her guard was up again> she
looked arrogant and dismissie. "!hornton is all about #li;ues and
power 1 you're either a nobody, or you sere royalty, or you're royalty.
I #ould neer be a nobody, een if you #ould."
I didn't take it as an insult. "+ou #ould try. =ust being happy."
"-h, please. Can you imagine me being some random fa#e at
!hornton) It &ust doesn't work that way. I'd be eaten alie."
"+our true friends would sti#k by you," I said, thinking of how she'd
#omforted ,e after the KJBL, and how Chris neer left her side.
"(ould you stand by me)"
!he ;uestion took me by surprise. "+ou said yourself that I'm not your
friend," I said awkwardly. "=ust an ally."
/o7anne grinned. "9u#h an ungrateful #hild." 9he walked on.
I hesitated, then tou#hed her sleee. "/o7anne. I appre#iate you being
so open with me."
9he snorted. "I &ust don't see you as a threat, that's all." 9he tossed
her hair. "Come on, let's go to the spa and get seaweed fa#ials. -h,
and soph)"
I waited.
9he winked. "(hen you're alone in bed with ?a#h tonight, think about
how mu#h he wants you."
I did think about it. I thought about it while one of the tinkling-oi#ed
girls at the spa who told me her name was 0ird layered gunk that
smelled aguely fishy on my fa#e. I thought about it while I sweated in
the sauna and then pulled on a new &ust-aboe-knee-length striped
purple-and-orange dress in the health #lub. I thought about it while I
sat in the hotel bar with /o7anne and sipped the fu22y green syrupy
drink she'd ordered for me.
!he !hornton students had woken up and were all oer the pla#e 1
splashing around in the green swimming pool, &oyriding on the hotel
boats, dan#ing around the red lighting in the bar. I wat#hed for "athan
out of the #orner of the eye, but #ouldn't help whipping my head
around eery time I spotted a dark head.
"/o7anne's trying to get you drunk." ?a#h slipped into /o7anne's seat
moments after she'd traipsed off to dan#e with 4hillip Crowe. I didn't
turn my head> I'd known, somehow, that he'd be there.
"9he wants me to hook up with you," I said flatly.
"(ouldn't that upset her pre#ious best friend)" ?a#h took my glass
and sipped at it, making a fa#e. It was the kind of unguarded gesture I
hadn't seen in far too long.
I pushed my drink in his dire#tion, smiling a little. "I wish you and I
#ould &ust 1 start oer."
?a#h didn't say anything.
I pushed a strand of hair behind my ear self-#ons#iously. "?a#h, I'm%
#onfused."
He still didn't say a word.
I kept my ga2e on my glass, knowing what I had to say but terrified to
say it. "I was always #onfused. I'e always had this urge to make
"athan happy, but you 1 make me feel strange. +ou make me feel all
angry and #ra2y and 1 e7hilarated, you make me stop thinking, and
dan#e on tables, miss you so mu#h, and I%don't know what that
means."
?a#h leaned #loser. I found myself wondering if my skin smelled like
fish and moed away a little. "+ou're so goddamn stupid, kid."
I &erked away. "I'm not 1"
"+ou think of "athan as this shiny glamorous toy you want to take
#are of," ?a#h said shortly. "'nd my guess is he feels the same. 9o
tell me, kid, why the #ompulsie urge to hae boyfriends you #an
worship like they're the sun and you're their pet) Curtis, "athan%'re
you really that s#ared of being with a guy who's real and e;ual to
you)"
My heart was in my mouth. "If your idea of a real and e;ual
relationship is insulting me, kissing me and then walking away 1"
"(hat the hell are you talking about)"
"+ou said you wanted me," I said. "+ou neer said you had feelings for
me. +ou neer said anything about a relationship, and I 1 I don't need
4aris and diamonds and flowers and popularity, ?a#h, I don't een
want any of that, but I'm not &ust going to be someone's slut either."
?a#h's fingers were in my hair, turning my ne#k to magma. "I'm not
going to run after you with my tail between my legs, een if that's what
you're used to."
"!hat's not what I want." I #losed my eyes, trying not to moe. "'ll I
want is a relationship. I'm not going to fu#k you and then let you walk
away from me."
"I neer asked you to." !here was an edge in ?a#h's tone. I shiered.
"!hen what did you ask me, ?a#h)" I for#ed myself to look him in the
eye, een though it #aused a mini-e7plosion in my stoma#h. "I neer
know with you 1 you neer stop being sar#asti# or snide or &ust plain
7ackassy to tell me what you want from me 1"
"0e my girlfriend," ?a#h said simply.
My heart almost stopped. I looked wildly up at him, my head spinning
until I barely knew where I was or een who I was.
"I 1 I #an't," I gasped out, not een knowing what I was saying. "I 1
#an't 1 won't rush into things again. I need to 1"
"9top thinking, 9ummer," ?a#h pushed, his oi#e hot.
"4lease," I said, een though eery bone in my body was telling me to
say yes and eery oi#e in my brain was s#reaming against the
possibility of his &ust walking away if I said no. "4lease, ?a#h, I need
time."
"(hy)" he asked.
I looked at him besee#hingly. "4lease," I begged.
He let out a frustrated sigh, raking his hands through his hair angrily.
"$od, kid, you drie me #ra2y. Hell knows why I do this 1"
"I'm not ready," I said, trying to strengthen my shaking oi#e.
"I won't wait for long," ?a#h said, his eyes dark and brilliant.
I thought of "athan, whom I'd &ust broken up with two days ago. I
thought of how #onfused I was, how torn up I felt oer eerything, how
people at !hornton would rea#t if I showed up at s#hool as ?a#h
$ellar's girlfriend. I thought of how mu#h I had left to figure it out.
I thought of how I letting all of that matter so mu#h wearied me.
I found myself saying, "*o you want to go for a walk with me)"
"(hateer," ?a#h said.
It was dark outside but the rierside was glowing. !he fountain by the
restaurant of our hotel threw out tall sprays of water behind leaping
flames behind us> Christmas lights were strung around the ad&oining
night#lub and I #ould hear a woman in it #rooning out ,nglish songs in
a foreign a##ent. ' fireworks display was going on in another hotel,
throwing &ewel-like red and green stars e7ploding into the sky. I took it
all in like an addi#t and felt strangely moed and strangely happy 1 life
suddenly seemed bigger, a roller#oaster with a soundtra#k of
possibilities.
I e7haled. "$od, it's ama2ing here."
"Culture sho#k)" ?a#h #ra#ked open the #an of Coke he'd fil#hed from
the bar and took a greedy sip.
"More like total awestru#kness," I said giddily. "I #an't beliee I'm here,
you know) I #an't beliee that I 1 me, of all people 1 am in &hailand in
the most ama2ing hotel I'e eer seen, and that I'e been to 4aris,
and seen a &et and a limousine and I own shoes that #ost, like, half of
what I thought I'd start earning as a #ollege grad and I'm wearing a
dress from +angkok 1"
"Must su#k to be poor," ?a#h said indifferently.
I re#oiled. "I'm not poor."
""ow you're not." ?a#h took another sip of Coke.
"I was neer poor," I informed him. ""ot #hartering priate &ets to
remote e7oti# lo#ations eery weekend doesn't mean poverty. +ou
hae an astonishingly lopsided sense of rea 1"
"I wonder where :u!hei is," ?a#h said, sounding distra#ted. "He took
me sightseeing oer winter break 1 I should look him up."
"+ou're a really bad listener," I said angrily.
"'nd you whine too mu#h, kid, but you don't see me #omplaining."
"Complaining is all you eer 1" $od, it was ridi#ulous how mu#h I'd
missed these ridi#ulous arguments. "I want to go sightseeing," I said
huffily.
"8ike seeing a bun#h of old monuments really gie you a sense of all
#ities," ?a#h said. "0angkok is all about tourism, shopping, nightlife,
food, pampering 1"
"I suppose there are no poor people here," I said s#athingly.
"(hy are you so fi7ated on poor people)"
"+ou are su#h an elitist snob!" I heard my oi#e rise.
"'nd you're a bleeding heart liberal." ?a#h paused. "(ho #ategori#ally
refuses to let anyone take her to 4aris in a priate &et."
I s#owled. "-kay, so maybe I'm being a little hypo#riti#al, but 1"
"'nd self-aware, too."
"It's &ust you," I said abruptly. "+ou #ould tell me I walk in beauty like
the night and it'd still sound offensie. +ou 1 get under my skin."
"(el#ome to my world, kid," ?a#h said tonelessly.
I turned away from him, needing to get away from the moment.
"+ou're still a ri#h snob," I said under my breath.
He heard. ""eer said I wasn't."
"+eah," I said. I turned ba#k around. "I en&oy this stuff, ?a#h, I'll admit
that. 0ut it's not like that's all I en&oy. I like my old sneakers a lot more
than my designer shoes, een though the idea of a#tually owning
designer shows is kind of 1 heady. 'nd I like pi22a &ust as mu#h as I
like pad thai, and 1"
"0owling as mu#h as you like wat#hing fireworks outside a fie-star
hotel)" ?a#h smirked.
I nodded, rendered spee#hless by his look.
?a#h made a wide, sweeping gesture. "(ell, #heapness is a good
thing to hae in a girlfriend. I won't hae to spend too mu#h on you on
dates."
""athan did," I said rudely, thrown by the way it felt to hear ?a#h #all
me his girlfriend. "'nd I'm not your girlfriend."
It was a low blow but he didn't flin#h. "'nd "athan's not the one out
here with you. $o figure."
"I want to go on the boat," I said brus;uely, turning my ba#k on him.
I heard his #hu#kle. Had he always smirked and #hu#kled this mu#h)
"$o ahead."
"'ren't you #oming)" I asked, not moing.
"+ou didn't ask."
"(ould you &ust get on the boat, ?a#h)" I glared at him.
"(hat's in it for me)"
"My #onsideration of your offer," I said arrogantly.
"(hat if I took ba#k my offer)" 0ut he was ne7t to me, and I felt my
heart skip a beat. I felt strangely e7#ited and e7pe#tant, like anything
#ould happen at any moment.
(e strolled up the boardwalk to the wooden boat with the white-and-
blue Hilton flag on it. ?a#h got in first, easily, and then took my hand to
half-lift and half-drag me past the disturbingly large gap between the
water and the low steps of the both. I thought of "athan and how he
would hae offered his arm with an affe#tionate, flirtatious #omment. I
had to be #ra2y and stupid to be doing whateer I was doing.
!he boat started, floating gently through the rier to the train station
fifteen minutes away. !he rising wind whipped a spray of water into
my fa#e and I smiled at the feeling, moing a step #loser to the
opening between the seats and the #eiling of the boat.
"I should bring /o7anne up here and push her off," I said, surprising
by the ague disloyalty I felt at saying it.
"4lease," ?a#h s#offed. "!here are plenty of lifeguards around.
!hey're not going to be #areless with the lies of the millionaires who
stay here."
"0e#ause unlike poor people, their lies a#tually matter, right)"
"(ould you get off the poor people thing)" ?a#h said irritably.
"+ou started it," I said #hildishly.
He eyed the rier. "I want to throw you oerboard right now."
"(el#ome to my world, kid," I sneered.
"(hy'd you really break up with "athan)" ?a#h said abruptly.
"It wasn't be#ause of you, if that's what you're thinking." I turned away
from him for the umpteenth time.
"I wouldn't dare think that highly of myself," ?a#h deadpanned. "9o
why did you)"
"I said I didn't want to talk about it." I gritted my teeth.
"!oo bad," ?a#h said. "9o. (hy'd you do it)"
"0e#ause!" I threw up my hands. "I don't know."
"+es, you do," ?a#h said ine7orably.
"0e#ause it wasn't real, all right)" I snapped.
"/ight, and we all know what a huge fan of reality you are."
""o, I%" I shook my head. "I don't hae to e7plain myself to you."
"(hy)" ?a#h repeated.
I made a frustrated noise. "He didn't know me, all right) He thought
that I'm this 1 pure, perfe#t irgin. He didn't loe me."
"*amn." ?a#h looked amused, but his smirk didn't rea#h his eyes.
"(hat a blow to your ego to think that he'd been mooning around
some perfe#t idea of you all that time. +ou must hae felt so
unloeable. 9o unworthy."
I looked away, stung.
!here was a pause. "either of us looked at ea#h other.
"I was happy," I said tersely. "0ut a drugged kind of happy. It felt like I
was on%drugs. .alium or something. It &ust felt%for#ed. "umb. 8ike I
#ouldn't breathe."
"Maybe you're &ust too demanding," ?a#h said ;uietly.
"Maybe you shouldn't ;uestion your good fortune." It was a sudden
inspiration. "I wouldn't be aailable if I weren't so demanding." I threw
in air-;uotes around the word smugly.
He was ready with a retort. "9o you were with this guy for a month and
two days after you break up and you're already #onsidering moing
on. He must'e made a weak impression."
I flushed. "I'm in a different #ountry and eerything's &ust 1 so 1
bi2arre, it doesn't e7a#tly feel like two days 1"
"-r maybe you'e &ust pined for me all along," ?a#h said, e;ually as
smug as I'd been a moment ago.
I rolled my eyes. "I'm not een going to dignify that with an answer."
(e were ;uiet again. I wat#hed the water and listened to the murmurs
of the tourists on board, not ready to look at him.
"9o if "athan's alium, what drug am I)"
I #ouldn't help smiling. "ocaine, I thought. In#reased heart rate and
body temperature, hyperstimulation, restlessness, irritability, a sharper
world, danger, addi#tion 1 the effe#ts all #he#ked out. ""athan's not
alium," I said proo#atiely. "He's a good guy. I'm sure we'd work if
we started oer and he didn't idoli2e me and we didn't moe so fast."
?a#h's fa#e darkened. 'nother silen#e fell between us. It was too
heay, it made me feel as if a weight was pressing down on my #hest.
"I had feelings for you," I blurted out. "I admitted that to myself when I
found out /o7anne asked you to make friends with me. 0ut then I felt
so betrayed, and I was attra#ted to "athan and I felt so guilty for
treating him the way I did when he was so wonderful to me and I did 1
do 1 loe him in a way, but%" I dropped my eyes to the ground,
unsure of how to go on. I wasn't in loe with "athan, but I had liked
him, and I could probably hae fallen in loe with him. 0ut I felt drawn
to ?a#h like he was a magnet and I was a tiny pie#e of iron. =ust
be#ause I wasn't in loe with "athan didn't mean I was in loe with
?a#h, but%
!hey were two different boys. I #ouldn't #ompare them. ?a#h was
?a#h, and I felt things for him that took my breath away, and that was
something. 9omething important.
I looked up at him fearfully. "+ou know)"
His eyes were alight in a way I hadn't seen them before. He opened
his mouth to speak and his e7pression was so tender and open that I
almost #losed my eyes in half-terrified anti#ipation.
"I dare you," he said, his oi#e #urling softly oer the words, "to &ump
into the rier."
My eyes widened. "(-what)"
He was grinning. "0et you #an't do it."
I breathed for a minute, a hundred emotions roiling inside of me.
"+ou're kidding, right)"
""ot at all," ?a#h said. "I bet you're #hi#ken, though."
I felt that familiar spark of anger, of bewilderment and #hallenge and
da22ling possibility, and I raised my eyes to his, slowly ba#king
towards the edge of the boat. "(hat do you bet)"
He shrugged #arelessly. "+our pride)"
My heart was thumping. I #han#ed a ;ui#k glan#e at the rier and
regretted it 1 it looked so dark and murky and deep. ""ot good
enough."
"(hat do you want then)" He looked indifferent, like I wouldn't
possibly go through with it.
"If I win, you hae to wait for me," I said seriously, taking another step
ba#k.
He was #aalier. "+ou know you're not doing to do it."
I thought of dan#ing on that bar on 9nellwood, kissing on a train,
s#reaming and #ursing in publi# without reserations like I'd neer
done before, arguing in ,nglish #lass like nothing mattered but my
point, and I smiled slowly. "'ren't I)"
His e7pression fli#kered un#ertainly.
I kept my eyes trained on him as I took the last few steps ba#kward
and slipped oerboard.
I was laughing when the lifeguards fished me out.
I'd &ust had the s#ariest few se#onds of my life being buffeted in the
bla#k depths of the rier. I was dren#hed in dirty water. I was
shiering. I had dead leaes stu#k in my hair.
'nd I felt inin#ible.
I held my knees to my #hest, my entire body spasming with laughter,
as they deposited me on the ba#k steps of the hotel. ?a#h was
arguing with a #ouple of managers in !hai. !he tourists on the boat
were wide-eyed, whispering among themseles in a plethora of
languages.
I shrieked and howled and s#reamed, unable to stop laughing.
I saw a flash of green pass between ?a#h's hand and one of the
managers and both of them turned away. He was suddenly towering
oer me> I pointed at him and laughed harder.
He shook his head. "+ou're insane."
"I'm insane," I #hoked out through a spasm of giggles. I &umped to my
feet and did a little twirl. "+ou're insane. I'm insane. (e're both
insane!"
"-nly you would get high on filthy rier water," ?a#h said, letting out a
sigh.
"!hat's 1 so 1 funny!" I gasped, doubling oer. "+ou're - so - ,unny,
?a#h!"
"+our little flight of reason #ost me three hundred dollars," he said, but
there was no real ran#or in his oi#e.
I batted my eyelashes at him. "I 1 guess 1 I'm not 1 so 1 #heap 1 after
all!" I said hysteri#ally.
"6unny," ?a#h said drily.
Impulsiely I threw my arms around him. He looked startled> I burst
into another round of laughter.
'nd then his arms were settling around my waist, pulling me #loser
until I was fighting for breath for a different reason altogether.
I stopped laughing.
His dark opa;ue eyes lo#ked on to mine. I #ouldn't think, #ouldn't
breathe, #ouldn't look away.
"I wish my eyes were as interesting as yours," I whispered.
"!hey are," he said briefly.
I felt trapped and petrified and e7#ited and eager, all at on#e.
I for#ed my eyes #losed, away from his ga2e. "?a#h," I said. "(e hae
to wait."
!here was a silen#e. My heart sped up with fear. "I did win the bet," I
said.
He dropped his arms like I was burning, ki#king at the ground as he
whirled away. I rea#hed for his shoulder. "?a#h 1"
"*on't," he hissed.
I saw myself, as if from a great distan#e, rea#h out and tou#h his
#hest. "I got you wet."
His eyes lightened suddenly. He tilted his head. "+ou did, didn't you)"
I nodded, #onfused, my heart fluttering.
He smirked. "I'll return the faour when you're done waiting."
I blushed hotly. "!hat's not what I 1"
"-h my $od, guys, there you are!" /o7anne flew out of the restaurant,
appearing from nowhere. "I &ust got a #all from hotel management
saying that 9ummer's sui#idal 1" 9he paused, taking in my sopping
wet #lothes and de#orated-with-leaes hair, my defensie position.
"(hat the hell &ust happened, sophomore)"
"It was a dare," I mumbled.
/o7anne looked at ?a#h as if she #ouldn't beliee her eyes. "+ou
dared her to &ump into the rier)"
?a#h shrugged. "Maybe."
/o7anne's shoulders started to shake. 6or one dim moment I thought
she was #rying, and then she let out a loud, ringing guffaw. "Holy shit,"
she bellowed. "+ou got sophomore to &ump into the fu#king river!"
"I 1" I felt my oi#e shake. "'nd I thought I smelled like fish be,ore!" I
shouted di22ily, and then we were both laughing hysteri#ally. I
#lut#hed my a#hing sides and felt the tears stream down my fa#e and
the tension drain away from my body, leaing me feeling euphori# and
glowing and liberated.
/o7anne stood at last, wiping at her eyes. "9hit," she said, shaking
her head. "9hit, you #ra2y kids."
"I'm not the one who laughed like a possessed demon for the last few
hours," ?a#h said pointedly.
"-h, shut up, you humourless freak," I said, almost affe#tionately.
/o7anne giggled like this was the funniest thing eer. "I feel drunk."
"Me, too!" I glowed as though this was the most ama2ing #oin#iden#e
eer.
/o7anne shook her head again. "(ow. I haen't laughed like that in a
while."
I grinned. "Maybe if you weren't so obsessed with ruling the s#hool,
you'd hae a little free time to do that."
"'nd maybe if you don't shut up about that, I'm going to push you into
the rier and make sure you stay there." /o7anne straightened with a
little &erk of her hair. "9o. !wo plans for tonight. '< party like a ro#kstar
in a 0angkok night#lub till eeryone passes out. 'nd 0< (at#h
)e,initely, $aybe and a series of other #hi#k fli#ks with 1 optional 1
free te;uila shots eery time there's a #li#h@ line in my suite till
eeryone passes out."
I thought about it for a se#ond. I'd spent the last few weeks in a
night#lub almost eery 6riday and 9aturday 1 and I hadn't wat#hed a
single moie or read a single book. 'nd there was plenty of #lubbing
and partying s#heduled for tomorrow, anyway. "4lan 0 sounds like
fun."
"9o predi#table," /o7anne snorted. "-kay. I'm off to the night#lub, but
you'll find ,e and 8auren setting up the moies in my room. ?a#h,
you're #oming with me, right)"
"'nd buy my own oerpri#ed drinks instead of free te;uila proided by
a hot bit#h like you)" ?a#h said dismissiely. ""o, thanks."
"/ight, be#ause free drinks are really what you're after." /o7anne
threw me a glan#e, and I found myself blushing. "$o, then."
(e went.
"+ou #ra2y kids," she shouted after us.
!he option of moie night was a relief at first. I didn't trust myself to
share a bed with ?a#h in the dark. 9itting between him and a silent
,e on the #arpeted floor while 8auren and ,mily 6ontaine drained
shot after shot of te;uila and grew more and more loudly drunk 1 and I
felt the heat of ?a#h's body ne7t to mine slowly drain my energy until I
wanted to s#ream 1 was a much better idea.
In short, I was miserable.
'bigail 0reslin was asking /yan /eynolds why he hadn't #hanged
'pril's name in the story when ,mily 6ontaine, the straightla#ed
salutatorian of the senior #lass, was finally drunk enough to pause the
moie and turn to me. "9o, 9ummer, what's the deal with "athan)"
she said with a hi##up.
I kept my eyes on the s#reen, feeling ?a#h tense beside me. ""o
deal."
"Is it true that he's se#retly impotent)" ,mily's eyes were hungry.
"(hat) "o," I said, frowning.
"!hen why would you dump him)" ,mily wanted to know. "I mean,
$od, I so want to kill you right now. *o you know how many girls
would gie up *-#ups to be in your pla#e)" 9he whirled around,
stabbing her finger at ?a#h. "'nd you/ (hat the hell is up with you)
+ou're gorgeous. 'nd so mysterious. Most girls like the It-0oy
#ho#olate hero type, but I'd totally gie up "athan and !arvard if I
#ould eat you. I mean, hae you." Her eyes widened. "(ait. Is that
why you dumped "athan) -migod. How has /o7anne not, like, killed
you) ,eryone at !hornton is going to kill you when you get ba#k."
Her head swielled around to look at ?a#h. "*o you want to fu#k in the
bathroom)"
My #heeks were burning. I threw a franti# plea for help in ,e's
dire#tion.
",mily, maybe you should go to sleep," ,e said in her #ool, #apable
tone. "I'm going to put the moie ba#k on now."
9he staggered up. "0ut I'm horny."
9ee, this was the problem. ,eryone at !hornton was nuts. !he only
people who remotely resembled normality were the Champagne
$ang, and they were pretty messed up most of the time, too. "o
wonder a few months in the pla#e had drien me out of my mind,
I #ould feel the giggles #oming on again.
,mily e7ited the room with a dramati# slam of the door, undoubtedly to
find a bathroom and a se7 buddy. ,e turned the moie on again. I
settled ba#k against the legs of the #ou#h, &umping a little as my arm
brushed ?a#h's.
"5uit wriggling," he muttered.
I ha2arded a glan#e at him. His eyes were gla2ed oer with boredom.
"*o you want to leae)" I whispered.
"(hose bathroom do you hae in mind)" he said tonelessly.
I glared at him through my blush. "Maybe you should go, and I'll &ust
sleep here."
I half wanted him to refuse, but he got up, making a show of dusting
the ba#k of his &eans. "6ine," he said, e7iting the same way ,mily had.
I felt #old. I shiered, the urge to giggle #ompletely gone.
,e looked at me blankly. 8auren had passed out and was snoring
loudly. "*o you want a blanket)"
I appre#iated ,e in that moment, the way she wasn't asking
;uestions or looking at me with that hungry gleam. 9he reminded me
of Mi#hael.
!he ne7t day the tired, the hungoer and still ostentatiously dressed
!hornton students spread around the #ity in oersi2ed sunglasses
hiding bloodshot eyes. /o7anne, ,e and :arin took me to M0:, one
of the most popular shopping #entres in 0angkok, and for#ed me to let
them buy me sta#k upon sta#k of tops, skirts, headbands, shoes, and
bags. :arin een bought me a large suit#ase to take my entirely new
wardrobe home. !hey took me to Central (orld, whi#h had an
enormous bookstore #alled 0K9 and two smaller ones. 'fter I nagged
for a while they een took me to see the $rand 4ala#e and the (at
4hra :aew temple.
I kept an eye out for 9haya whereer we went. It bothered me that she
and "athan were so determinedly ignoring me, een though I
shouldn't hae been surprised. I wanted to talk to them, e7plain, tell
"athan about ?a#h before he heard something from a different sou#e,
I felt tremendously guilty for wondering what ?a#h was doing eery
few minutes.
In the eening /o7anne threw a party at the pool.
!he hotel pool area was #alled !he 0ea#h. !he pool was green and
diided into two se#tions, one for swimming and another, with a glass
eleator door in between, a shallower open platform with poolside
#hairs arranged around it looking out into the #ity. 8arge wooden steps
led ba#kwards from the pool. 8ittle booth-like areas were tu#ked into
the sides, supplied with or#hid-de#orated towels to gie massages in.
(ith an open bar installed, it was ready for a legendary prep s#hool
party.
I was self-#ons#ious in my yellow bikini, trying to #oer as mu#h skin
as possible with /o7anne's sarong. ,erywhere I looked I saw tan
skin glowing from two days of spa-pampering and glossy heads flung
ba#k in flirtatious laughter and perfe#t bodies swinging to loud-
enough-to-be-heard-in-=ersey musi#. I kept my eyes peeled for
"athan and 9haya 1 this was one eent they #ouldn't miss, right)
"(ant to dan#e on a table again)" ?a#h's breath ti#kled my ear.
I spun around, ridi#ulously happy to see him again. "(here hae you
been all day)"
"In a bathroom with ,mily 6ontaine, of #ourse," ?a#h said with utter
seriousness.
I bit ba#k a grin. "*on't make fun of her. 9he's in loe with you."
"Isn't eeryone)" he said insolently.
I rolled my eyes, that liberated feeling washing oer me again. "I #an't
beliee I'm saying this, but%do you want to, like, dan#e)"
""o," ?a#h said without een thinking about it.
9tung, I said, "I dare you to dan#e on a table. In your underwear."
"(hat are the stakes this time)" ?a#h asked thoughtfully.
"+ou get to whore yourself out to ,mily 6ontaine 1" I spotted "athan
at that moment. He was standing by the bar, looking around with that
#harming agreeable smile I knew so well. His eyes landed on me as I
sprang away from ?a#h and the smile slid off his fa#e.
"I hae to go talk to him," I said.
?a#h's e7pression #losed down. "(hy)"
"I need to e7plain," I said. "3s." I wasn't sure whi#h us I was talking
about 1 my relationship with "athan or my 1 whateer it was 1 with
?a#h)
?a#h spun on his heel. "(ant to dan#e)" I heard him say #urtly to
8auren, who #hoked on her assent.
I felt so utterly miserable and deserted that I almost laughed at myself.
I wanted to rip him away from 8auren and slap him for being an
immature asshole, but I told myself that there was something more
important that I had to do. :eeping my fo#us on "athan, I started
winding through the #rowd of dan#ing bodies to get to him.
I had so mu#h to say, but when I rea#hed him, I #ouldn't formulate the
words. I settled for, "Hi."
It wasn't, #ouldn't be real. =ust three days ago we'd been on the most
intimate of terms. (e'd been about to hae se7, we'd told ea#h other
we loed ea#h other, kissing and holding ea#h other had been the
most natural thing in the world Fe7#ept, perhaps, fighting with ?a#hG.
He'd looked at me like he #herished and adored me 1 the ni#est
illusion in the world, one I found myself remembering with a sudden
sharp longing.
'nd now we were on the other side of the world, a wide #hasm
between us, and his eyes were guarded and shut-off.
"I'm sorry," I started, my throat pri#kling. "I #an't tell you how sorry I
am."
He'd seen me and started to turn away, but as I spoke he stopped. He
took in my e7pression and the guardedness in his eyes broke like
?a#h's neer #ould. "(hy)" he said, and his oi#e was pleading> he
wasn't asking me why I was sorry.
I wanted to put my arms around him and make the hurt go away. "It
didn't feel%right."
"0ut I tried so hard to make you feel good," "athan said, sounding
bewildered..
"I know," I said. I felt #onfused. How #ould I e7plain to him the utter
mess that my mind was)
(e studied ea#h other.
"Is there someone else)" "athan said &erkily.
I #ast an inoluntary look ba#kwards at ?a#h. He was staring at me
while 8auren pressed #loser with a #oy look upwards. I tore my ga2e
away.
"It was us, "ate," I said besee#hingly. "+ou%you hae this idea of me
in your head that's not really me."
"0ut it is you," "athan said hopefully. "+ou are smart and brae and
independent and ni#e to eeryone and down-to-earth, and I trust you."
"0ut I'm not," I said in a rush, almost in#oherent. "I don't sti#k up for
myself. I almost flunked $eometry freshman year. I'm not some pure
paragon of inno#en#e. I lie when I hae to, I dit#hed my friend for my
boyfriend throughout my life, I dropped "eil on#e when he was a
baby, and "athan%I'm not a romantic."
He &umped, hope flaring on his fa#e. "Is this about the flowers) !he
&ewelry) !he 1"
""o, "athan, you're not listening to me," I said frustratedly. "I loed
being #herished by you, it felt like being someone else and that was
fantasti# for a while, but it &ust didn't feel%"
"+ou're too hard on yourself," "athan said ;uietly.
"I know," I said. I looked down. "!hat's another thing about me that
isn't...as perfe#t as you think."
He grasped the tops of my arms, looking down at me earnestly. "I
don't care."
I #losed my eyes. It was tempting to bury myself in his #hest again,
forget the #onfusion and the struggle. 0ut it wasn't%what I wanted.
"/emember when we met)" I said. "/emember when you asked me
to keep you and /o7y a se#ret, and you were this #o#ky arrogant &o#k,
and you did pressure me and I didn't like you, but then you showed
you were a ni#e guy) +ou want to be the ni#e guy, "athan, you #an be
the ni#e. 0ut you don't hae to try so hard. 'nd you don't need me to
be the good guy, "ate, you don't. +ou are a good guy."
"athan dropped my arms, looking unbearably forlorn. "'nd you don't
want me."
""athan 1"
He ran a hand through his air. "(as it /o7anne) !he whole so#ial
thing) (as it eeryone staring at you and gossiping about you
be#ause you were with me)"
"*on't blame /o7anne for this," I said, more sharply than I'd intended.
"9he's always been there for you."
"9he's always there to #ontrol me," "athan said bleakly. He let out a
short laugh. "9o this is where being a good guy gets you, huh)"
I swallowed the lump in my throat. "I loe you, I do."
"0ut you're not in loe with me," he said defeatedly.
""ate 1" I rea#hed for him. I #ouldn't help it.
He ba#ked away. "*on't. I #an't stand this, 9ummer, I #an't stand you
#oming #lose and running away every time. It hurts, you know that) I
tried so fu#king hard to get things right, and now I feel like a pie#e of
shit."
"-h, $od, "athan." I tried to gulp my tears down, but I #ouldn't stop
them rising to my eyes.
He looked torn. "*on't #ry. 4lease. !hat'll &ust su#k een more."
How #ould I tell him what he'd meant to me) He'd stood by me and
prote#ted me and gien me so mu#h. How #ould I hurt him) How
#ould I be so selfish) *id the 1 chemistry, I thought, the word popping
unbidden into my head 1 I had with ?a#h really matter so mu#h)
(hen "athan and I had this whole relationship built on trust and
mutual kindness and - lies.
0ut what if we started oer) (hat if we took it slow)
I #ouldn't. I &ust #ouldn't. It wasn't fair. "ot when I'd gone this far with
?a#h. "ot when I'd had to work so hard to stop thinking about ?a#h
the whole time I'd liked "athan.
"I don't know what to do," I said, #hoking ba#k the tears.
"It's not your fault," "athan said bleakly. "If you're not in loe with me,
you're not in loe with me, and all the king's men #an't make you fall in
loe with me."
2h, athan/
"'ttention, please!" /o7anne interrupted us, &umping on top of a table
and #upping her hands around a mi#rophone. "It's time for the #lassi#s
1 I "eer 4layed !his $ame 0efore! *rink if you hae!"
' big whoop went around the student body. ,eryone lifted their
drinks 1 0a#ardi 0ree2ers, gins and toni#s, Cosmos, odka, te;uila,
whateer brightly #oloured #on#o#tion they held 1 and #hugged
enthusiasti#ally.
"I should go," I whispered to "athan, miserably.
He #losed his eyes. "-kay."
,mily 6ontaine was announ#ing drunkenly, "I neer made out with
"athan (ellington in freshman year!"
I stopped. "athan reddened. I aerted my ga2e from his and folded
my arms oer my #hest defensiely.
*eborah (ilson teetered pre#ariously on top of a table. "I neer had
se7 on a football field," she slurred.
/o7anne lifted her shoulders in a tiny shrug and took a dainty sip. '
#ouple of the boys #heered> half of them #hugged. !o my surprise,
:arin drank too.
"I neer banged /o7anne Cartwright!" *erek :ettering s#reamed out.
/o7anne fro2e. It was time for the male half of the student body to
drink> "athan reddened further, looking at his drink like it would bite
him.
"I neer #heated on a test," ,e said primly. ' #horus of boos erupted
in her dire#tion.
I started moing again, moing as slowly as I #ould, trying not to dire#t
any attention to myself.
"I neer &umped into a rier on a dare," ?a#h's oi#e drawled.
I &umped, startled. I didn't dare look around in #ase I felt "athan's eyes
on me. I took a tiny sip of my drink, feeling strangely better.
"My turn," 4hillip Crowe said #heerfully. "I neer wat#hed 0ove Story
with my parents."
""o fair, man!" his friend !rais Hott #omplained, sipping his drink.
Most of the girls giggled. "# neer dated a #omi# book nerd #hi#k from
publi# s#hool."
4hillip glowered and s#uffled him. !rais shoed harder and they both
landed in the pool with a splash. !he girls standing at the edge of it
s;uealed playfully, shaking out their wet hair like big-breasted little
poodles. I took a few steps forward. 'lmost at the entran#e.
"# was neer so fat that I threw up eery meal I ate for two months."
9ilen#e fell oer the room like a #loak. !he s;uealing girls looked up
mid-gape, !rais and 4hillip stopped s#uffling, the musi# shut off with
a s#ree#h.
/o7anne &umped off the table, a sweet little smile hoering around her
lips. 9he sauntered slowly forward until she was standing right in front
of 9haya.
I understood what was happening with a si#kening thump of my heart.
"*rink up," /o7anne #ooed, her ga2e on 9haya's rapidly paling fa#e.
"'nd don't puke it up afterwards, all right)"
Her honeyed oi#e was the only sound in the room for a long, long
minute. 'nd then an e7plosion of whispers and mutters broke out.
"9he's bulimi#)""-h my $od, I totally knew her hips were too #ury for
her body.""!hat's some fu#ked-up shit, dude.""What did /o7anne &ust
say)"
I stood rooted to the spot as I stared at /o7anne.
9haya &erked her head up. "+ou bit#h," she said, #ompletely
emotionless.
/o7anne's eyes were steady. "I told you not to mess with me."
9haya was starting to tremble. "+ou bit#h," she repeated in a whisper,
as if those were the only words she knew.
I thought of the many times /o7anne had demeaned and humiliated
me. !ried to spread se#rets about my family. !hreatened me.
I felt "athan's arm bump my shoulder as he flew past me. 9uddenly
he was fa#ing /o7anne. "(hat the hell was that)" he said, and his
oi#e was liid.
"!hat," /o7anne said #almly, "was the truth."
"athan opened his mouth, but before he #ould speak, 9haya threw up
her head, looking almost as regal as /o7anne always did. I would
hae slunk away without a fight, but 9haya let out a frighteningly
mirthless laugh. "!he truth, huh) (ell, that should be a two-way
e7#hange. 8et me share some truths too, shall I)"
/o7anne smiled, seemingly unfa2ed. "(hy not)"
"9haya 1" "athan rea#hed for his sister, but she sprang out of his
grasp.
"!he truth, let me see." 9haya tapped her lower lip theatri#ally. "Hmm.
(ell. How about< # neer felt like I wasn't good enough for my friends.
I neer felt like ,e was prettier and smarter than me, "athan more
#harming and popular, Chris mu#h ni#er, ?a#h mu#h funnier, :arin
mu#h happier."
/o7anne blan#hed isibly. "athan's head whipped around in her
dire#tion.
"I was neer so inse#ure that I had to sti#k to my friends to help form
an identity of her own." 9haya enun#iated ea#h word #arefully. "I
neer tried to #ontrol eeryone I know be#ause I was so afraid they'd
dit#h me for someone better if I didn't." 9he #o#ked her head, imitating
the sweet smile that /o7anne had gien her. "I'll lend you my drink if
you don't want yours, /o7anne."
/o7anne wasn't looking at 9haya. 9he was staring at "athan, and she
looked so ulnerable that een I win#ed.
"+ou told her," /o7anne said. Her oi#e shook, and she looked down
at her herself disgustedly. ",erything I'e eer 1" 9he stopped,
swallowing rapidly.
"/o7anne 1" "athan glan#ed at his sister and then at his best friend,
looking torn.
/o7anne spun abruptly around with a flourish, her fa#e like a mask of
disdain. "8adies and gentleman," she said, mo#k-#heerfully, "I gie
you 1 my best friend. My best friend, who takes se#ret drunken
babblings I entrust him with and feeds them to his sister. "o doubt to
e7plain to her what a bitch I am."
"/o7anne%it wasn't like that," "athan said loudly.
"+ou're on her side)" 9haya, neer as good as /o7anne was at
keeping her #omposure, #ried out.
"I'm not%" "athan #losed his eyes. "I #an't beliee you &ust%" He
opened his eyes, and they were angry. "(hat the ,uck is wrong with
both of you)"
"(ell, I'm a &ealous #ontrol freak," /o7anne said amiably, her eyes
hard. "(e'e established that already."
9haya was shaking again, her #alm demeanour dissoling ;ui#kly. My
heart went out to her, my first real female friend at !hornton, but then I
saw /o7anne and I didn't know how to feel. I took a step forward.
It was a fatal mistake> /o7anne's head swielled around. 9he
sureyed me for a moment, and then her fa#e broke into a sa#hharine
smile. "'h, 9ummer. "athan's perfe#t e7-girlfriend. "othing wrong with
her, right, "athan)"
"8eae 9ummer out of this," "athan said steadily.
"(ow, you do loe 9ummer," /o7anne said. Her smile grew bitter.
9he looked at "athan, and her eyes were hollow and #al#ulating. !his
wasn't about me, this wasn't about 9haya. I knew that, and yet a dim
sense of foreboding grew in my #hest. "+eah, she's perfe#t. 9he neer
made out with ?a#h on a train about three se#onds after "athan
asked her out. +ou would neer do that, would you, 9ummer)"
It took me a moment before I reali2ed what she'd said.
"What)" ,mily 6ontaine's shriek was the loudest.
"9he didn't," "athan said #onfidently.
My oi#e stu#k in my throat.
"+ou didn't," "athan said, a little less #onfidently.
"*rink up, 9ummer," /o7anne said, ignoring him.
I #ouldn't tear my eyes away from "athan> he raised a shaking head
to his fa#e. "+ou didn't," he said again.
"I%" I swallowed. "I...did."
"athan literally staggered like he'd been hit. His fa#e #rumpled. "-h,
$od," he said.
I flew past the surrounding bodies and stopped in front of him.
""athan, I meant to tell you. 0ut%you were so%I #ouldn't, "ate, not
when you trusted me and when you 1"
"I #an't beliee you," he whispered. "I &ust #an't beliee you."
"I'm so sorry, "athan. I didn't mean for it to happen 1"
"I tried so hard!" "athan burst out. "I tried so hard, and all that time
you wanted 1 him."
""athan, it wasn't like that F"
"+ou neer wanted me, did you)" "athan said shakily. "+ou neer
wanted a stable, faithful relationship 1"
"I did, "athan, I #ared about you so mu#h 1 but I had feelings for ?a#h
too and I #ouldn't figure it out 1"
"+ou lied to me," "athan said. "+ou lied to me eery day I was with
you, didn't you)"
""athan 1" !he moment ?a#h spoke, I knew it was a bad idea.
"+ou," "athan snarled, his hands #urling into fists. "'ll this time, you 1"
""athan, it wasn't 1 please beliee me 1" 0ut what #ould I say to
#hange anything)
He stumbled to look dire#tly in my fa#e, looking broken. "I did," he
said. "I did beliee in you."
"0ut 1"
"I #an't do this," "athan sighed. He #len#hed his fists and un#len#hed
his fists, starting to ba#k away. "I &ust #an't."
""athan, please 1"
0ut he was gone.
9haya ran after him, all estiges of her braado gone. I #ould hear her
#hoke on a sob as she stumbled at the e7it.
/o7anne was still standing on the table, immobile.
?a#h's oi#e was unnaturally loud in the shellsho#ked silen#e. "(ell.
&hat was one for the ages."
I turned on him, that sharp maddening pri#k of his remark bursting my
numbness. "(hat the hell is wrong with you)"
?a#h held up his hands, palms-forward, still infuriatingly #alm. "*own,
kid. In #ase you didn't noti#e, I'm &ust an inno#ent bystander here."
"I #an't beliee you!" I lashed out. "*idn't you see what &ust 1 .od,
?a#h!"
"+ou know what's wrong with you)" ?a#h said ;uietly.
"+es, I know what's wrong with me," I hissed, taking an in#ensed step
towards him. "I'm a liar and a maso#hist, and this pla#e 1 it's 1 like
poison!"
"+ou hae this impossible need to keep eeryone who's eer smiled at
you or patted you on the head happy, and you blame yourself when
some outside for#e beyond your #ontrol makes things go wrong."
"+ou don't understand," I said loudly. "+ou &ust don't get it, and you
neer een try to 1"
He put a hand out, almost on my shoulder. "8ook 1"
"*on't tou#h me!" I shouted. "!his is all 1 you, and /o7anne, and
!hornton 1 I hate it! I hate 1"
His arms went around me. I dug my nails into his sides, trying to make
him let go, but his hold was i#e-like. He pulled my body flush against
his, sending traitorous little sparks #oursing through me.
"*on't," I said.
"You don't," ?a#h said darkly.
(ith an angry, desperate &erk, I pulled my fa#e free. "If you hadn't
kissed me on that train, none of this would hae happened."
!he words were out before I #ould stop them.
?a#h let go. He stepped away from me. "6u#k you," he spat.
My eyes widened at the tone I'd neer heard before.
"6u#k you," ?a#h repeated. "6u#k you, 9ummer, fu#k you and your
guilt and your fu#king urge to make eeryone in the world but me
happy."
I #alled out his name as the whispers around me grew and #hanged
into loud astounded bu22ing.
0ut he was gone, too.



28. Tr!
Tuesd#!
9omeone had shoed an enlarged P-ed out pi#ture of myself into my
desk.
I stared down at it. ' #ouple of girls sniggered as they moed past me.
Crumpling up the pi#ture, I tossed it on the floor. (hat did it really
matter) (hat did anything really matter)
(hispers rose and fell eerywhere I went.
"I heard /o7anne plotted to kill ,e be#ause she's so &ealous of her. I
#an't beliee ,e droe her to s#hool.""I heard the whole argument
/o7anne and 9haya had was &ust this a#t to hide their se#ret loe
affair.""!hey totally had se7 on the train, you know. Can you be more
of an e7hibitionist)""I think we should, like, write 9haya a note to tell
her we're on her side.""'re you kidding) /o7anne always #omes out
on top."
I skipped ,nglish and lun#h and sat in the library, refusing to admit 1
een to myself 1 that I was hoping I'd see him there.
Cednesd#!
"9lut," Irena .ladison hissed in my dire#tion as I made my way to my
first #lass of the day.
I ignored her. Most of my #lassmates were a#ting as though I didn't
e7ist. I was ba#k to s;uare one, e7#ept that I seemed to hae
a#;uired the uniform hatred of all the girls for kissing ?a#h when I'd
agreed to date "athan. "eer mind that most of them slept around
and got drunk eery weekend 1 "athan apparently wasn't the only
one who'd thought I was a pure perfe#t irgin.
I hadn't seen any of the Champagne $ang sin#e I'd sneaked out of
the hotel in 0angkok and blown half the money I'd saed sin#e moing
to 8inbury on a plane ti#ket home. /o7anne had #alled me twi#e. I
ignored both #alls.
I #alled ?a#h twenty-one times in a row, not #aring how patheti# I felt
when he didn't pi#k up een on#e. I #alled "athan, too, but without
hope.
I #ouldn't bring myself to go oer to either of their houses to apologi2e.
#'m a coward, I told myself, but it didn't sting. I a##epted it #almly and
dismissed it from my mind. !he layer of guilt in my stoma#h grew
eery time I tried to think. It was easier not to.
=ust for on#e, I wanted to take the easy way out.
Thursd#!
"Fuck you, Summer, ,uck you and your guilt and your ,ucking urge to
make everyone in the world but me happy/*
I gritted my teeth as the memory hit my head for the thousandth time. I
stumbled to my feet, not paying any attention to Mr Caldwell's, "Is
there a problem)" as I slammed the door of the #lassroom shut behind
me and started for the bathroom.
't the rate I was going, I'd neer get into +ale. !hat didn't matter,
either.
,ery time I saw a dark head in the distan#e, my heart sped up. I
thought of the airport, when eery time a tall slender figure passed by,
my #hest bubbled with hope and wistfulness.
"Fuck you, Summer, ,uck you and your guilt and your ,ucking urge to
make everyone in the world but me happy/*
(as it true) Maybe I'd tried harder to please "athan, but that was
be#ause "athan had always tried so hard with me. I'd neer imagined
being able to see ?a#h look the way "athan had the day of that
goddamned pool party. I'd neer imagined being able to break ?a#h.
I thought of &umping into a rier, s#reaming out the thoughts in my
head, feeling ?a#h's heart beat against my fa#e. I #ouldn't imagine
eer feeling that alie again.
I shiered. Maybe I was the broken one. !here was something wrong
with me, I was sure of it.
-rid#!
"I still #an't beliee I missed the party," I heard 9ally (hitman whine
as I #ut yet another ,nglish #lass and barged into a bathroom.
"+eah, you totally hae to get in good with /o7anne so that doesn't
happen again." =enna (heels pu#kered her lips at the mirror, leaning
into her refle#tion.
"*o you think *erek :ettering would go for me if I threw up all my
meals and got skinnier)" 9ally sni#kered.
"Maybe if you were &ealous of your friends enough to take oer the
s#hool to one-up them," =enna said snidely, blotting her lipgloss with a
tissue. 9he met my eyes in the mirror. "Hey, look who it is. !hornton's
own Hester 4rynne."
I should hae told them to ba#k off. I should hae stood up for 9haya,
or asked them why they were so #on#erned about getting in good with
/o7anne if they #ould dismiss her the way they had. 0ut I didn't. I
shuffled oer to a stall and lo#ked myself in.
I tried to distra#t myself by thinking of how ama2ing it was that nothing
was di,,erent. I didn't know why I'd e7pe#ted something to #hange
after the nu#lear-bomb-es;ue reelations at the party. !hornton had to
be the most #onsistent enironment on the planet.
"oward, the oi#e in my head taunted.
3#turd#!
"9he's really taking the breakup hard, isn't she)" I heard 'nn say in
the kit#hen.
I paused on the stairs. I'd spent the day in bed, alternating between
leafing through ineteen $inutes and do2ing off. 0ut I'd gotten hungry
in the afternoon and de#ided to get some #ereal. 0ad idea.
"9he's like a 2ombie," ,ri# said. He sounded worried. "It's worse than
when she #ame ba#k from "ew +ork. 't least then she was crying."
"I don't know why they suddenly broke up." ,ri#a &ust sounded pissed
off. "!hey were so perfe#t together."
It was almost funny, but tears &umped to my eyes. I stood still for a
moment and then slipped noiselessly the rest of the way downstairs
and out of the door.
I ki#ked up the slush on the ground as I walked. !he roads were a
mess. !he 9tarbu#ks by the rier was blessedly empty. I walked
slowly up to the #ounter.
"(hat #an I 1" !he girl behind the #ounter turned around and fro2e.
"9ummer."
I blinked. =a22.
"9ummer, oh my $od, I wanted to talk to you." =a22 aulted herself
oer the #ounter. Her hair was a loud bubblegum pink. It hurt my
burning eyes. "8isten, I swear to you, eerything I told you about what
happened to me at !hornton was true 1 it was &ust that, after I got
fired, that's when /o7anne de#ided to offer to pay for my tuition and
let me lie at her house 1 be#ause my parents ki#ked me out, you
know 1 if I &ust did that whole #ell phone thing 1 but I de#ided to take
the year off and work two &obs, you know, get my own pla#e after you
found out 1"
I shrugged. "/ight." My oi#e sounded rusty from disuse.
=a22 stared at me. "(hat happened to you) +ou look like shit."
I shrugged again. "Can I hae something with whipped #ream,
please)"
"9ummer," =a22 said gently. "*o you want to talk)"
""ot really," I said, ignoring the hurt look that flashed oer her fa#e.
9he tilted her head. "!hornton got to you too."
"I got to me," I said ;uietly. "I'm not #ut out for that kind of pla#e."
=a22 snorted. ""obody normal is. ,eryone 1 they're like monsters."
""ot eeryone," I said before I #ould stop myself.
=a22 raised her eyebrows. "/eally."
# miss -ach, I thought, apropos of nothing.
"9ummer," =a22 said seriously. "I'm really sorry for what I did to you."
I turned my fa#e away from her hopeful e7pression. I &ust #ouldn't
deal. "It's fine," I said. "I'm going to go."
3und#!
"9ummer)" 'nn pushed open the door of my room. "Honey)"
"Hey," I said, putting down !amlet on my unmade bed.
"'re you sure you want to be reading a tragedy right now)" 'nn
grima#ed.
"(hy not)" I aoided her eyes.
"(ell, you're%" 9he tou#hed my hand. "In a bad mood already."
"'m I)" I poked at the front page with my inde7 finger. I #ould feel
anger bubbling oer in the pit of my stoma#h 1 an anger that 'nn
didn't desere, that I didn't know how to deal with after so many days
of numbness.
"9weetheart, please talk to me," 'nn said. "(hat happened with
"athan) He's su#h a ni#e boy 1"
"I like somebody else," I said bluntly.
'nn's fa#e registered astonishment.
"'nd I lost him," I said. "I lost him be#ause I put "athan first. 'nd I hurt
"athan in the pro#ess, did I mention that) I hurt both of them, and%I
#an't do anything about it be#ause I'm%what) 4roud) Cowardly)"
'nn opened and shut her mouth. "+ou're neither," she said finally.
"I'm &ust like *ad," I said. I didn't look at 'nn. "!hat's what I am."
"+ou're not 1"
"I need to be alone, okay)" I for#ed a smile. "Can we talk later)"
'nn hesitated.
"4lease," I pleaded.
9he smoothed her palm oer my forehead. "I'm here if you want to
talk. (e all are."
"!hank you," I said. "I know."
Mond#!
I was standing by 4rin#ipal Cartwright's room when I saw /o7anne.
9he looked breathtaking as she turned the #orner 1 shining hair
swinging around her swaying waist, skirt pulled down low and shirt
hiked up high to show a tiny bit of toned midriff, eyes blank, regal
smile inta#t. *espite eerything that had happened, she looked like a
;ueen. 'nd despite eerything that had happened, ,e and Chris
were right by her side.
' biting pang of eny penetrated the ha2e around my senses. 9he
was brae, so unabashedly brae. 9he saw what she wanted and
went for it> she was strong, determined, unshakeable.
I wsn't brae. I skulked around #orners and aoided what I was afraid
of and tried to keep eeryone happy no matter what it did to me. I was
like a ghost, a shadow 1 I hid. I tried to be inisible. I was weak and
my world was dim.
!here was only one person in the world who'd eer made me brae,
and I'd taken him for granted and lost him.
I felt so disgusted with myself that I almost threw up.
!he tears #ame in the middle of the night. I bit my tongue a few times
before giing myself oer to the feeling. 9obs wra#ked my body and I
#ried into my pillow, heaing and shaking and sniffling in a way I
#ouldn't remember haing before.
I got up when I #aught my breath a little and went oer to the window.
!he moon was bright, glinting on the snow #oating the drie. (as that
all I eer did 1 watch)
I was so tired of myself.
Tuesd#!
I blow-dried my hair in the morning and left it down. I meti#ulously
applied mas#ara and lipgloss. I ki#ked my sneakers to the #orner of
my room and slid my feet into stiletto boots that had been gathering
dust in my #loset. I ironed my s#hool bla2er and wound the most
#olourful s#arf I #ould find around my ne#k.
,ri#a #hoked on her #ornflakes when I appeared in the kit#hen. ,ri#
thumped her on the ba#k as she #oughed without taking his eyes off
of me. 'nn looked wary> Mi#hael simply studied me.
"'re you #utting s#hool)" ,ri#a asked #arefully.
I shook my head. "I'm going to go see *ad first."
"+ou're what)" 'nn and twins e7#laimed together.
"I #an't be him any more," I said.
"0ut you're not him," ,ri#a said passionately. "+ou're nothing like him."
"I am," I said. "I hide, I aoid and I%guard. I #an't #hange myself
oernight, not #ompletely, but I%need to try."
,ri# and ,ri#a traded glan#es. !hey seemed un#onin#ed. I looked at
Mi#hael.
"*o you need a ride)" he said.
"9ummer, are you sure)" 'nn said earnestly.
I smiled at them both. "+es," I said braely.
*ad's new one-bedroom apartment was in a building an hour away
from 8inbury. It was all steel and glass, whi#h stru#k me as ironi# in
how appropriate it was for him.
"*o you want me to go with you)" Mi#hael asked as he braked the
#ar.
I shook my head. "0ut thanks for bringing me."
Mi#hael kissed the top of my head. *rawing his support like a shield
around my shoulders, I got into the eleator.
*ad was in a suit and tie when he opened the door. "I'd like some
&ui#e too if that isn't a prob 1" He #aught sight of my pale fa#e and
&umped like he'd seen a ghost. "9ummer)"
I tried to smile.
"Come in." He opened the door wider and stepped aside. "*id you get
my last letter) I got yours. I was delighted to hear about the in#rease
in your $4'."
I'd thought of seeral ways to open the #onersation, but suddenly I
#ouldn't re#all anything but 1
"*id you eer really loe 'nn)"
!he words hoered between us. *ad stiffened.
"0e#ause if you did%" I looked up at him. "(hy didn't you fight for
her)"
*ad sureyed me impassiely. "Hae you #ome here to atta#k me)"
""o, *ad, don't do that." I put my palm on his sleee. "*ad, I need to
know. +ou two were so happy together. (hy #ouldn't you work
through what happened) (asn't it 1 worth it)"
9ilen#e. !he #lo#k on the wall ti#ked loudly.
"9he was weak," *ad said emotionlessly.
"9he lost her son." My oi#e rose.
"I lost a son," *ad said unsweringly. "I lost my wife and my son."
I looked at him, shaking my head rapidly. "9he has a &ob now. 9he
works at the supermarket. 9he's kind of happy. 're you happy)"
"I'm fine," he said tightly.
"+eah." I let out a humorless laugh. "+ou're always fine. I'm always
fine. "o matter what. (e hold ourseles ba#k and look away and
guard ourseles instead of fighting. (e surie. 'nd that's enough,
right, *ad)"
He didn't reply.
"I wish I wasn't like you." I felt weighed down, heay. (hat had I
hoped for) (hy had I e7pe#ted to gain something from #oming here)"
"I guess I should leae," I said. *ad remained immobile. I turned
away.
"+ou're less like me than you think."
I paused.
"+ou gie your heart," he said ;uietly. "(hen it's worth it. 'nd then you
try to make things work. I keep mine."
I turned around. "I'm a #oward," I said, and my mouth trembled.
"+ou try," *ad said. "+ou always try. !hat takes #ourage. !hat takes
something I don't hae."
I stumbled towards him. "0ut 1"
"I #an't." He almost smiled a little. ""ot that way. 0ut you're not me."
"I #an't stand up for myself," I said heaily.
"+ou try there, too," *ad said. "/emember when you told me you
wanted to stay with 'nn)"
I looked down at my feet guiltily. !he guilt was familiar. I imagined it
wrappig around me and then boun#ing off the shield Mi#hael's kiss on
the head had gien me. "I'm sorry I 1 said those things."
"It was for the best," *ad said offi#ially. "I #ould neer be a family for
you and Mi#hael."
I #ould feel the wetness on my #heeks. "I miss you," I said. "I miss the
way things used to be."
He sighed. "!his is the way things are now." He rea#hed out, gripped
my shoulders. "I am proud of you. I respe#t you."
I wiped at my eyes. "!here's 1 this boy," I said impulsiely.
He looked wary.
"If I fight for him, I'll hurt someone else I #are deeply about. 0ut I'e
hurt him, too, and I #an't bear that 1 and I know what I hae to do 1 to
fi7 things. I #an't bear not to fight for him, either. 0ut I'm so%s#ared."
"+ou're not me," *ad repeated. "+ou'e taken #are of 'nn. -f
eeryone. +ou'e let things barrel into you and pi#ked yourself up
eery time. +ou surie, but you #are at the same time."
I let all the hope in my heart show on my fa#e. "Can't you fight for
'nn)"
He shook his head.
"0ut you listened to me," I said. "+ou'e neer done that before.
Maybe if you%"
"I'm sorry," *ad said, almost gently.
"It's okay," I said softly. I looked up at him. "I #an't ,eel%like this
anymore, *ad. I #an't #ling on to the past or who I used to be be#ause
this is my life now."
"+ou don't want to keep in #onta#t with me."
I almost ba#ktra#ked, but then I didn't. I had to tell him how I felt. "I do.
0ut not%through letters about my $4'. I either need you to be there
for me like a father 1 to see me and listen to me 1 or%I need to not
see you for a while."
He was silent for an unbearably long time. I held my breath.
"(e #ould work out a s#hedule," he said at last.
I felt my fa#e break into a smile. "-kay," I said breathlessly.
"I do want you to be happy," he said formally.
"!hank you," I said. Happy, I thought. !appy.
'nd then I was running, whirling out of the apartment and slipping my
way through the slush and &umping into Mi#hael's #ar.
"I need to go to s#hool," I gasped out.
!he bell was ringing for the beginning of lun#h as I #lawed my way out
of Mi#hael's #ar. I didn't pause to thank him for the ride as I took off
down the path.
I burst into the dining hall.
' hush fell oer the room, as though eeryone stopped talking mid-
senten#e. Hundreds of eyes pinned me down.
I fought for breath, the words I'd been so ready with sti#king in my
throat. I looked around franti#ally. It was as though the dining hall had
been diided down the middle 1 "athan, 9haya and the entire
la#rosse team on one side> /o7anne, :arin, ,e, Chris and their
entourage on the other.
My eyes fli#kered around, looking for the one person I needed to see,
but ?a#h seemed to be absent.
'nd then I saw him, sitting ne7t to /o7anne. His eyes were blank as
they met mine, but &ust seeing him sent a &olt to my neres. 9uddenly,
suddenly I was ready.
""athan," I said unsteadily. ""athan, I need to e7plain to you.
,erything."
"athan looked at me e7pressionlessly.
"?a#h and I kissed on the train, but it wasn't something we planned or
intended 1 it &ust happened. I know that's a horrible e7#use, but%
that's how it was. I didn't want to lie to you, but I #ouldn't tell you the
truth. It &ust felt so good haing you look at me like you needed me,
like you admired me%and I was so worried about hurting you."
I steadied my trembling hands. "I did #are about you. 'nd I did try. I
was 1 I am 1 so grateful for the way you'e treated me. "ate, you're a
wonderful guy, and $od, eeryone knows it 1 and I #ould neer
imagine haing the kind of guy you are the way I had you%and the
last thing in the world I eer wanted was to hurt you. 0ut the thing
is%"
I swallowed. I #ouldn't stand to see the look n his eyes when I said
what I knew I &ust had to say. 0ut I hae to put him first, no matter
what, &ust on#e.
"!he thing is%" My oi#e shook. "!he thing is, I #an't een ask you to
forgie me be#ause I did kiss ?a#h ba#k, and I%did fall for him."
' gasp #ame from somewhere in the room. "athan re#oiled. I #losed
my eyes> my ears were ringing.
"'nd I'e been unfair to you, ?a#h. I neer #onsidered that you would
1 feel 1 anything if I did%something. -r maybe I did, be#ause een if
you didn't want me you were still my friend, but I didn't want to admit
it. 0e#ause it was easier to take you for granted and go along with
what "athan wanted, that was supposed to be the right thing be#ause
it was%easier. It made more sense. 'nd I put him first so many times.
I did. I didn't een #onsider feeling for you what I did, be#ause%$od, I
was #onfused. It's a horrible e7#use, but I was."
!ears #logged my oi#e. ""athan, I do loe you. I do #are about you. I
wish so mu#h that you #ould forgie me. 0ut I #an't be with a knight in
shining armour, I%I'm sorry. 'nd ?a#h. +ou #hallenge me, you
stimulate me, you make me think about myself and eerything else
and not think at the same time, and%you know me. I feel like I%need
you."
I opened my eyes, looked at him. His e7pression was still #arefully
fro2en, and my heart was like a sledgehammer against my #hest, but I
ploughed on be#ause You make me brave/
"I'm not ready for a relationship. 0ut I do want a se#ond #han#e. 9o
mu#h. If you #ould gie me another #han#e, wait for me &ust a little
while, that would be%" !he best thing that had eer happened to me.
"9o I guess this is my way of standing on a kissing booth and telling
you I want you."
I stopped. It was unbearably silent in the room, like eerybody was
holding their breaths at on#e.
"0rendan 6orrester, I'e been #heating on you for a month now with
/i#hard Heer, and I'm not sorry be#ause I know you hae the hots for
my mother!" =ulie *ardogne burst out.
,eryone turned to gape at her. 'nd then eeryone erupted all at
on#e.
"I'm in loe with you," /ufus Cummings said to :arin desperately. "I
want to marry you and lie with you and my mother in a little hut in the
'lps."
"I stole your dress last week be#ause it made you look hotter than me,
I'm so sorry!" 8auren Morgan told *eborah (ilson.
"I'm sorry I took your 9'! prep book the week before the test so I'd do
better than you," *eborah said earnestly.
"9ummer!" ,mily 6ontaine shrieked. "I'm sorry I started the whole
trend of #alling you Hester 4rynne 1 I was &ust &ealous be#ause #
wanted to hae se7 with ?a#h on a train!"
"I want to &oin 9haya's #heerleading s;uad," :arin said to /o7anne,
before #lapping her hand oer her mouth in disbelief.
"I lied about getting into *uke early," "an#y 9#hwart2 said sorrowfully
to her best friend.
"I made out with 'shna 9an#he2 in 0angkok," her best friend blurted
out.
I stood in the middle of the earth;uake I'd #reated as the words
hummed oer my head, unable to tear my eyes away from ?a#h.
He rose slowly to his feet. My breath #ame out in short little gasps. I
#losed my eyes, hoping that when I opened them he'd be in front of
me.
He was.
My body defrosted slowly from the tips of my fingers to my toes
en#ased in stiletto boots. "Hi," I said ridi#ulously.
""i#e spee#h," ?a#h said #asually. ""ot the most original idea, but%"
"9orry," I mumbled, a flush warming my fa#e. I felt ulnerable. "I tried."
"+eah," ?a#h said ;uietly. "!hank you."
I gaped at him. "(hat)"
His mouth ;uirked sideways. "*oesn't really happen often, people
trying with me."
My fa#e split into a smile wide enough to bridge the 'tlanti# -#ean.
"9o you'll gie me another #han#e)"
"!hat's it)" 9haya's s#ream broke through the babbling of the #rowd.
"9o she'll &ust make some goddamn spee#h and eeryone will start
spilling their se#rets and make up and make out) (hat about my
brother) (hat about the fa#t that she stomped all oer his heart) !his
isn't Hollywood 1 she's still a fu#king slut."
I turned around, fighting to keep #alm. "I'm sorry for what I did, 9haya.
If there was anything I #ould do to make things better with "athan, I 1"
"(ould you gie him up)" 9haya spat.
I fell silent. I knew what the right answer was, but I felt like I would die
if I gae it.
"+ou wouldn't," 9haya said. 9he laughed mirthlessly. "(ell, thanks for
the pretty words, 9ummer, but you know what) "athan's still the guy
who got di#ked oer, and 1"
"-h, pipe down." /o7anne's oi#e was la2y, almost amused. "9he
didn't kill anyone."
I looked at her, #ompletely astonished at the une7pe#ted defense.
"-h, well, if we're looking at you for moral guidan#e," 9haya said
shrilly.
"+ou #an't make someone fall in loe with you," /o7anne said #oolly.
""ot a self-righteous little bit#h like her, and #ertainly not you. I should
know. I tried." 9he glan#ed at "athan. "6or years. (ith your brother."
9haya's &aw sla#kened. 6or the first time, "athan stirred, his head
snapping around to look at /o7anne.
"0ut of #ourse a morally defi#ient non-irgin like me #ouldn't hope to
attra#t his attention. I did gie up, you know. *on't look like that, "ate,
I'm #ertainly not pining oer you. I settled for being your friend a long
time ago. I thought I #ould take #are of you, but%" 9he smiled
s#athingly. "I guess 9haya suits your needs there better, huh)"
"/o7y 1" "athan started. His oi#e was hoarse.
"*on't," /o7anne said, her smile fi7ed. "I'm done with you. I'm done
being se#ond-pla#e with people I put first."
"I didn't &ust tell her how you felt," "athan said urgently. "'bout ,e,
and%9he was depressed when you kept doing what you did to her,
and I &ust thought if I #ould help her understand%"
"0ut you did tell her," /o7anne said. "'nd 9ummer did fall for ?a#h.
'nd I did tell eeryone that 9haya used to be bulimi# 1 by the way,
&ust in #ase eeryone doesn't know already, 9haya used to be bulimi#.
'nd%" 9he shrugged. "(e're all messed up. (hat #an you do) +ou
want to fight me, 9haya, you fight me. 0ut don't gie sophomore flak
for not being perfe#t when there are plenty of far less perfe#t people
around."
9haya opened and #losed her mouth a few times. I knew how she felt.
"9o that's your e7#use)" 9haya said finally. "+ou're messed up) !hat's
your e7#use for &ust shitting on eeryone's lies and keeping eeryone
on a tight leash 1 for fu#k's sake, /o7anne, that's not an e7#use! !his
world of li#king your feet you'e got around you 1 it's an illusion, it's 1"
"(hat #an you do)" /o7anne repeated.
"I #an do whateer the hell I want to do, whether you like it or not."
9haya got to her feet, s#raping her #hair ba#kwards. "'nd my ,riends
1" 9he looked pointedly at eeryone on her side of the dining table.
"Can, too. I #an be better than you."
It sounded like a de#laration of war.
"Can you)" /o7anne said #almly, a faint note of derision in her oi#e.
"+ou want to get out of here)" ?a#h said softly in my ear.
I #han#ed a last pleading glan#e at "athan, but he was immobile,
staring down at his hands like his world had #rumbled around him. I
knew the feeling.
0ut I also knew that the way I felt at that moment was something I
neer wanted to do without.
"+es," I said to ?a#h, and the words felt like a promise.



22. The ,nd
February
Like 1 -riend DlueE
"I don't understand why we #an't &ust go to a moie," ,ri#a huffs. "I'm
not saying we hae to go shopping."
I lean into the mirror in the hall, #arefully brushing eyeliner down the
length of my eye. "Come on, /i#, the ar#ade will be fun."
"(hy are you getting all dressed up, anyway) Is it be#ause of this
-ach guy)"
I point my mas#ara wand at her. "+ou're the one who's always saying I
need to stop hiding myself and do what I #an to make the best of
myself."
'nn pops up out of nowhere in her hideous tan #oat. ",ri#'s throwing a
fit."
"/i#!" ,ri# shouts on #ue from the kit#hen. "I need my shoes ba#k,
okay)"
"9u#ks to hae your needs!" ,ri#a hurls ba#k.
"Has anyone seen 1" Mi#hael ambles out of the liing room, glasses in
hand. "+ou look ni#e," he says #arefully, taking me in.
"!hanks," I smile.
"!his family going-out business is so #ompli#ated," ,ri#a sniffs.
"+ou &ust don't want to go to the ar#ade!" ,ri# shouts.
'nn's #oat re-pops into my field of ision. "9ummer, #ome help ,ri#
find another pair of shoes, please."
"(hy does 9ummer get to inite a friend when I don't)" ,ri#a whines
as I rush oer to the kit#hen.
"/i# took my shoes be#ause I oted for the ar#ade," ,ri# tells me
indignantly.
!he doorbell rings. "I'll get 1" I hear ,ri#a start, then stop abruptly.
"Hold on," I tell ,ri#, hurrying ba#k outside again. -ach, I think,
suddenly feeling pleasantly warm.
"-h, my $od," ,ri#a is saying. "-h, my .od, you are, like, so famous
at our s#hool, all my friends literally want to be you 1"
"/i#, don't smother 1" I stop halfway to the door. "Ro6anne)"
"9ophomore, your sister's gorgeous." /o7anne runs a hand through
her hair and smirks at me. It really is her, standing at the entran#e of
my house in a low-#ut bla#k &a#ket that offers a glimpse of her glittery
orange #o#ktail dress. 'nd ,e is right ne7t to her, looking e;ually
glamorous in yellow that sets off her hair.
"(hat are you guys doing here)" I say guardedly.
/o7anne pushes past ,ri#a and stomps into the house with her red
strappy stilettos. "Huh. 9mall." 9he spins around, waing her arms.
"8ike my dress) (e're going #lubbing. +ou're #oming."
"I hae plans," I say slowly. 'fter 0angkok and the dining hall in#ident,
I'm not sure how to respond to her.
"(ith the friend who wants to be more)" /o7anne ar#hes an eyebrow.
""o, with us, you know, her family, but you should totally #ome with 1"
,ri#a trips oer her words in her haste to get them out.
"+eah, with my family," I #ut her off firmly. "(e're going to the ar#ade
in 9nellwood. 'ir ho#key, bowling, stuff like that."
/o7anne rolls her eyes. "How ery middle-#lass-'meri#an of you."
9he turns away, but not before I see her disdainful e7pression fli#ker
slightly. "Come on, ,ie, I guess we're not wanted here."
"+ou #ould #ome with us," I find myself saying.
,ri#a looks like she's about to hae an orgasm. "+es! -h my $od,
yes, please!"
/o7anne turns her head. "+ou want me to go bowling) 4ut my
mani#ured feet in bowling shoes that hae #arressed hundreds of
moldy toes and, what, flirt with a bun#h of other middle-#lass-
'meri#an boys who think ideo games are a sport)"
I throw up my head. "(ell, if you don't want to 1"
"9ummer, tell your friend 1" Mi#hael walks out of the liing room and
pauses. It's an almost imper#eptible pause as he takes in /o7anne
and ,e, but be#ause he's Mi#hael, I know he's thrown. "+ou're not
?a#h."
/o7anne's lips #ure upwards. 9he shifts herself, &ust a little, her
&a#ket sliding down without her tou#hing it. "+ou're not ?a#h, either."
"He's my brother Mi#hael," I say through gritted teeth.
"He's going to Harard ne7t year," ,ri#a says eagerly. ,e stirs
suddenly, looking interested for the first time. "He works at the hospital
now."
"(hat do you want to study)" It's ,e who says it, not /o7anne.
Mi#hael s#rat#hes his head. "I'm pre-med."
"(hat was your 9'! s#ore)" ,e mar#hes purposefully past ,ri#a
and /o7anne and stops in front of Mi#hael. !he oerhead light
#at#hes her golden hair and makes it burst into flame in a way that
#auses Mi#hael's eyes to widen a little. "I would like to study
,#onomi#s 1 do you think it's a terrible idea to say that on my
appli#ation when it's su#h a popular #on#entration)"
I glan#e at /o7anne, thrown. I'e neer seen ,e so animated before.
"I guess we're going to the ar#ade," /o7anne mutters.
"--M-$, /o7anne's here!"
I whee around. !alia is standing at the door, hip thrust out. 'nd ne7t to
her 1 finally, ,inally 1 is ?a#h. He's wearing a green !-shirt instead of
his usual dark apparel. -range letters spell out ",;ual -pportunity
'nnoyer" a#ross his #hest.
I smile wide, my breath #at#hing in my throat. "Hey."
He nods. "Hey."
!alia barrels past me and throws herself into /o7anne's waist."--M-$,
I totally wanted to wear my sparkly blue Mar# =a#obs, but Mother said
I'd be oerdressed, but you're wearing glitter! (hy didn't you tell me)"
,ri# bursts into the room. "/i#, if you don't gie me ba#k my shoes, I
1" He stops, a blush rising oer his ne#k. "+ou guys weren't here
before."
"8et's go, shall we)" 'nn says #heerfully behind him. Her mouth falls
open as she takes in /o7anne and ,e's sparkling dresses and ,ri#'s
stare."(e are going to the ar#ade)"
"'re you 9ummer's Mom)" !alia pipes up. "It figures. I hate that #oat."
?a#h #hu#kles, a sound low in his throat that makes me forget
anything I #ould hae retorted with.
'nn blinks. 9he looks down at herself. "It was on sale," she says to
nobody in parti#ular.
"Mrs, (ard, I apologi2e for tagging along at the last minute," /o7anne
says sweetly, taking 'nn's arm. "I hope it's not too mu#h of an
imposition."
'nn smiles un#ertainly. "It's no problem. 'nd please, #all me 'nn."
,ri#a hip-#he#ks ?a#h on her way out in her haste to be ne7t to
/o7anne, who she #an't stop staring at. I rea#h for his hand as if in
apology and when he lets me take it I'm breathless.
"$od, it's loud in here," /o7anne #omplains. !he ar#ade is noisy with
the beeps and bleeps of ideo games and the thumping and i#torious
s#reams of the bowlers. ,erywhere I look, there's a flashing neon-lit
s#reen or a small #hild in purple or blue. ,ri# has dragged 'nn off to
play 'sphalt 3rban $!, but the rest of us hae grabbed a table and
piled it with hot dogs and fren#h fries.
"+ou're so full of it," I say. "It would be &ust as loud in a night#lub." '
guy about our age passes by the table, staring openly. ,ri#a stares
right ba#k.
/o7anne bites into a fry. "I'm going to ignore that."
"'ren't you on a diet)" ,ri#a asks her #uriously.
"I am," /o7anne says #almly. ""ot the 9haya diet, either. 0ut try
these. !hey'll make you forget your own name."
Hearing 9haya's name makes me un#omfortable. I s;uirm in my seat.
"Come play 0arbie games with me, /i#!" !alia says brightly.
,ri#a #an't take her eyes off /o7anne. "In a bit, okay)"
""o, now!" !alia pushes out her lower lip. "/o7y, tell her to go with
me."
/o7anne looks at ,e and Mi#hael, who are dis#ussing the relean#e
of Iy athleti#s in real sports Fwhat)G, and then at ?a#h, sitting silently
ne7t to me. "+ou know what, I'll go too."
"Really)" ,ri#a breathes.
"9ure, why not." 9he puts one arm around ea#h of them, leading them
away. "9o you're going to be a freshman at !hornton ne7t year, right,
,ri#a)"
,ri#a studies her feet. "'#tually, no. My grades aren't ery good, so I'll
probably &ust go to 8inbury 4ub 1"
""onsense," /o7anne says bree2ily. "My *ad's the prin#ipal at
!hornton. I'll talk to him."
"'re you serious)" ,ri#a looks orgasmi# for the se#ond time in the last
few minutes.
I look at ?a#h. "+our sister seems to like my sister a lot more than she
likes me."
"Must break your heart," ?a#h says #arelessly. "I'm going to go play
something."
' flush warms my fa#e. I want to ask him to stay with me, but that
seems patheti#. "(hat, you hae a se#ret passion for ideo games I
didn't know about)"
He shrugs. "9omething like that."
I wat#h him walk away, suddenly feeling ery alone.
"-h, my." 'nn fans her fa#e as she settles into his a#ated seat. "I
simply #an't get to the third lap." 9he pi#ks up a hot dog. "He's ery
good-looking."
I flush again. I don't hae to ask who she's talking about. "I know."
"' little ;uiet, don't you think)"
"He doesn't make the best first impression," I admit.
9he smiles, almost teasingly. "He looks at you when you're not
looking."
"+eah)" I say, disheartened. "!hen why'd he &ump up and walk away
the moment /o7anne left us alone)"
"Maybe he's not en&oying being your ,riend as mu#h as you are," 'nn
says.
I poke at a fry. "I'm not ready. +et."
"I know, baby." 9he pats my hand soothingly. "It'll be all right. I'm sure
he &ust doesn't want to fake #ontentment when he doesn't feel it."
"+eah," I sigh. "He's not mu#h of a faker."
,ri#a bobs up. "?a#h's beating ,ri# at $!! (hat kind of asshole
doesn't let the little kid win at a ideo game)"
"He's not all that little," I say, as 'nn says, "8anguage, ,ri#a."
,ri#a rolls her eyes. "athan would hae let him win."
I stiffen, pulling my hand away from 'nn's. "8ook, ,ri#a. I'm sorry that
things not working out with "athan disappoints you so mu#h, but I
#an't help it, all right) 'nd I don't want to talk about him."
"0ut he was so nice." ,ri#a hoers defiantly oer the sub&e#t.
"(hy don't you date him, then)" I say before I #an stop myself.
"I wish I #ould," she mumbled, lowering her ga2e. "I wouldn't hae
dumped him."
!he words hang between us for a moment.
I soften. "-h, /i#. I know you liked him 1"
9he leans against 'nn, who is looking away ta#tfully. "(hateer. I
don't see why you like ?a#h more than "athan. I &ust think it's kind of
maso#histi#."
"/i#, let's not argue about this. 4lease)"
9he sighs. "+eah. -kay. (hateer." 9he studies a group of blue-
haired bowlers for a minute. "He is hot," she admits grudgingly.
I sigh, too, but it's a different kind of sigh. "+eah," I say. "He is."
,ri# #hooses that moment to #ome running up to the table. "9ummer,
?a#h's asking if you want to play air ho#key with him."
Hope lights up my insides. "9ure."
?a#h is lounging by the air ho#key table, &uggling the bright blue pu#k
in his hands. I saunter up to him and snat#h it out of his hands. He
looks up slowly. "Huh. 'fter that ass-ki#king I gae your brother, I
didn't e7pe#t you to agree to play me."
I #ross my arms oer my #hest. "I used to play this with /a#hael and
Curtis all the time. I'm really good."
"I bet," ?a#h says, "that I ki#k your ass."
"(hat do you bet)" It's a familiar feeling, that half-#ompetetie half-
e7#ited thrumming in my #hest.
"+ou'll see." He pi#ks up a paddle and tosses it at me. It almost slips
through my fingers, but I manage to hold on to it.
"(hateer." I fake boredom as we fa#e off.
?a#h hits first, hard. I'm e7pe#ting the aggressieness and blo#k his
shot with my paddle. He leans halfway a#ross the table to shoot it
ba#k, #ontinuing the atta#k. My hand is already a#hing as I leap to
defend the goal, but the pu#k skids into the slot.
?a#h raises his eyebrows. "/eally good, huh)"
I point my paddle at him. "+our arms are longer than mine. 'nd I'm out
of pra#ti#e."
0ut I'm out of e7#uses when he beats me E-D.
"6ine," I say, sweeping my hand a#ross my sweaty fa#e. "(hat do you
want)" I ask warily.
?a#h points at a red-headed girl in a green miniskirt playing air ho#key
with another girl two tables away. "$et me her number."
My heart skips a beat. I'd e7pe#ted something else entirely. "(hat)"
"*o you want me to say please)" ?a#h's tone is mo#king.
"I don't 1" I stare at him. "(hy do you want her number)"
"(hy do you think I want her number)" He takes a step towards me.
"0ut 1" My oi#e is small. "(hat about 1 us)"
"!here is no us, is there)" He takes another step towards me. "+ou
said that. +ou aren't ready. (e're ,riends."
"+ou said you would wait for me," I say, trying to keep my oi#e
steady.
"9o I'm supposed to ignore my needs while I wait)"
"I thought 1" I look around franti#ally, sear#hing for a solution.
"(ould you be &ealous)" He's #lose enough to tou#h. !o disorient. !he
thoughts in my head sla#ken and go spinning away, too far away to
pull ba#k. He smells like something floral, something%
"+ou smell different," I blurt out.
"(hat)"
"+ou do," I say thi#kly.. "*ifferent than usual."
He looks at me like I'm #ra2y. "I ran out of soap in the shower. I used
!alia's."
#n the shower/ Heat wraps around the length of my body. "+ou smell
like a girl."
He takes another step forward. "*o I)"
"I would be &ealous," I half-whisper.
"?a#h!" !alia breaks into the minute spa#e between us. "I need to
pee!"
I blink, stumbling ba#kwards. Cold air hits my body.
"!ake me, ?a#h," !alia #ommands imperiously. "I #an't find /o7y or
,rie."
"-kay," ?a#h says, and I don't know if he's speaking to me or to !alia.
"-kay."
March
Kiss Me D3i0)en&e .one The 5i&herE
"+ou hae to #ome oer," !alia says tersely.
"My lit mag meeting ran late," I say. "I'm not sure if 1"
"?a#h's lo#ked himself up in his room," !alia interrupts. ",er sin#e he
got ba#k from s#hool. 'nd he won't open the door and I don't know
why and Mom and *ad are out and it's not like 1 please, 9ummer, it's
s#ary here all alone."
I haen't been at the $ellar home in a while, and I pause for a se#ond
to get my bearings before I head upstairs. ""ot now," ?a#h yells when
I kno#k on his door.
"It's me," I say.
!here's a thud and then the door swings open with a gasp. "(hat the
hell do you want)"
"(hat's wrong)" I walk into his room. It looks different, a little less
antisepti# 1 there are a #ouple of posters of bands I'e neer heard of
on the walls, and books are spilling oer eerywhere. "(hat
happened)"
"+eah, I want to know," !alia s;ueaks from behind me.
"6u#k the fu#k off," ?a#h says to her.
9he opens her mouth, but falters at his e7pression and s#ampers
away. I narrow my eyes at him. "+ou didn't hae to talk to her like 1"
"I got re&e#ted from +ale."
!he words float around the air, inde#ipherable like the Chinese
alphabet. It's not that I don't hear them> it's &ust that they don't register.
"-h." I sit down heaily on his bed.
(e stare at ea#h other. ' thousand responses flutter around my head,
but none of them seem right.
"'re you okay)" I say nonsensi#ally.
"-h, yeah," ?a#h spits, so sar#asti#ally that I win#e. "I'm fu#king
dandy."
"I don't know what to say."
"+es, you do." He flings himself down ne7t to me, on the #oers of his
bed that are the +ale shade of blue. "+ou know e7a#tly what you want
to say 1 if I really wanted +ale, I would hae tried, right) I wouldn't
hae #ut s#hool, I wouldn't hae pissed off my tea#hers, I wouldn't
hae &ust assumed that 1"
I don't een think about it. I lean forward and press my lips to his.
He goes ery still. 'fter a moment that lasts a lifetime, I pull ba#k. His
eyes are the darkest shade I'e eer seen them, his breathing uneen.
'nd then he's wrapping his hand around my ne#k and kissing me like
he's neer kissed me before and somehow our legs are tangled and
my hands are sear#hing for more and I #an't breathe and 1
He lifts his head from mine. "'re you done being a tease)" he pants
out, his heartbeat sta##ato against my #hest.
"I wasn't being 1" I start, but then he's kissing me again and I don't
know how or why I'e stopped myself from doing this all this time and
it doesn't matter 1
I let my thoughts go into the night.
Don't .eed /ou DKenn! 5ogersE
"+ou're smiling." /o7anne is at my side the moment I get out of
Mi#hael's #ar at s#hool. "(hy are you smiling like that)"
"!ake a wild guess."
9he narrows her eyes. "!he friend is no longer a friend, is he)"
I look at her. "How do you do that)"
"4ra#ti#e," she says bree2ily. "9o) How'd it happen) I'd e7pe#t long
spee#hes and kisses in the rain after all the beating around the bush
that you two hae been doing."
I frown. "He got re&e#ted from +ale."
""ow there's an aphrodisia#." /o7anne looks at me. "Is he okay)"
"I don't know," I #onfess. "I sort of 1 well, we fooled around but then
his parents #ame home and I 1 left. (e haen't talked about 1"
My phone beeps, #utting me off. I fish for it with eager fingers. "Hello)"
"(here the hell are you)"
"$ood morning, ?a#h, it's ni#e to hear your oi#e too," I deadpan, but
I'm smiling. I #an still taste him, still feel the imprint of his fingers on
my skin 1 and the world suddenly seems sharper, brighter.
"=ust meet me inside, okay)" !he phone goes dead.
He rea#hes out as soon as he sees me and almost snaps my ne#k in
half as he pulls my fa#e roughly up to his. My knees feel week and I
#lut#h at him, telling myself it's &ust so I don't fall down.
"-h, $od," /o7anne groans. "'t least with "athan the 4*' was less
pornographi#."
""ongratulations!"
?a#h and I break apart at the s#ream. :arin (u, #heerleader
e7traordinaire, barrels down the hall and lat#hes herself onto "athan,
who's materiali2ed out of nowhere. :arin kisses his #heek effusiely
and gies 9haya, standing ne7t to him, a ;ui#k s;uee2e. "4rin#eton
0oy," she s;ueals.
I feel ?a#h stiffen.
"!hanks, :ar." "athan is smiling modestly. He doesn't look at me 1
een if he does, I know that he'll look through me in a way that #uts
me to the ;ui#k. I #an taste a #ertain kind of sadness on my tongue 1
this is athan, how #an I not hae known that he got into his first
#hoi#e)
"Hear that, ?a#h)" 9haya looks dire#tly at me. My stoma#h lur#hes
si#keningly. She knows, I reali2e suddenly. $od knows how, but she
knows about +ale. ""athan got into his dream s#hool."
/o7anne pushes me out of her way and tilts her head at 9haya. "9ee
this, "ate)" she says sweetly. "?a#h got into 9ummer's pants."
I see "athan #len#h his fists as my stoma#h flips. I wish myself a
thousand miles away. I make myself take a step forward. +rave, I tell
myself.
"*on't, okay)" I say ;uietly. "+ou're not hurting ea#h other. +ou're &ust
hurting ?a#h and "athan. It's not funny." I look at /o7anne. "4lease."
9haya looks away. "8et's go tell our friends," she says to :arin and
"athan, and none of them look ba#k as they walk away.
!hornton students are milling into the building. I #an feel their #urious
stares pri#kle my skin. I lean into ?a#h, #urling my fingers around his.
He shakes his hand free. "I #an't do this. I #an't wat#h eeryone
#elebrate theirs 1 I #an't. I'm getting out of here."
"*o you want me to #ome with you)" I ask tentatiely.
He doesn't meet my ga2e. ""o," he says.
"Conin#ing," /o7anne snorts.
"Come on." I nudge his hip, trying for a light tone. "+ou hae to take
me out sometime anyway."
"*on't patroni2e me," he snarls.
"I'm not," I start, but he's already walking away.
"I'll take you out at night," he says brus;uely.
The C#! I Loved /ou DT#!lor 3(i%tE
He takes me to a *airy 5ueen.
I look around, at the toddler beating his fists on the table at a booth, at
the baby li#king i#e-#ream off his obliious mother's &a#ket, at the
paper napkins and bright white lights, and hae a ridi#ulous urge to
giggle when I remember my first date with "athan at the /egen#y.
"/omanti#," I deadpan.
?a#h is wearing a blue !-shirt that says "(hateer" on it in green. 9o
maybe it is romanti#.
"(hat did you e7pe#t, a &et to 4aris)" He sits down at a table for two.
He's not looking at me 1 he seems far away, distant. "I #an't do the
diamond &ewelry #rap, you know. I don't hae mu#h of an allowan#e."
"*o you hear me #omplaining)" 'nnoyan#e lights up my fa#e like a
flame.
"I'm &ust saying." He motions the waitress oer and points to a banana
sundae. "I know you're used to 4rin#eton 0oy spreading himself out at
your feet and li#king your toes, but 1 "
"I don't want that," I hiss. "I told you."
"Could'e fooled me," ?a#h says blandly.
I lean forward, ignoring the waiting waitress, and glare at him. "8ook,
?a#h. !his isn't going to work unless you stop #omparing yourself with
"athan. *o I think about "athan) 9ure I do. He was a good guy, and
the flowers and stuff 1 all of it was ni#e. 'nd it was ni#e that he wasn't
a &erk, and that he didn't drie me #ompletely #ra2y 1"
?a#h's eyes flash. "I'm sorry I'm not your doormat 1"
"0ut then I think about you," I forge on determinedly, "'nd I #an't think
about anything else. 'nd I #an't imagine being with anyone else. 9o
&ust shoe what you #an and #an't do up your ass, okay)"
He regards me silently for a moment. "I'm going to "+3," he says.
I flounder at the sudden #hange of topi#. "+ou are)"
"I went to see it that day you went to see your meathead e7-
boyfriend." He studies his menu. "I%liked it. It seemed like the kind of
pla#e I'd fit into. 'nd bonus point 1 I got in."
I lean ba#k in my #hair. "I neer understood why you wanted to go to
+ale," I admit. "Maybe it's &ust a stereotype, but it always seemed
too%type-' for you."
He lets out a tired sigh, #lut#hing at his hair. "I wanted to proe my
parents wrong for on#e."
My lips #ure upwards. "!hat's almost as bad as fu#king up &ust to
piss them off."
He studies me. "+ou're such a supportie and understanding
girlfriend."
My heart thumps at the word girlfriend. " 'nd bonus point," I mimi#
him. "I'm your girlfriend."
"(ell, going to a state s#hool will #ertainly a##omplish the pissing-
them-off part." ?a#h pi#ks at his sundae. "9hit."
"' state s#hool that's the perfe#t fit for you," I point out.
"'t least I'll hae your hot sister to keep me #ompany."
I ignore the #omment. "(hat do you want to do when you grow up,
anyway)"
"In#luding or e7#luding tapping your hot sister)"
"(ho the hell says tapping outside a fraternity)" I keep my oi#e #alm,
refusing to take the bait.
"I want to fool around now," ?a#h says, leaning a#ross the table so his
fa#e is #lose to mine.
' flush rises oer the ba#k of my ne#k. "# want to finish my i#e-#ream,"
I lie.
He kisses the #orner of my mouth la2ily. 0its of my skin #ome alie
under my layers of #lothes, making it a struggle to think. "9eriously," I
say, breathlessly, "(ait."
His eyes bore into mine. "I'e been waiting for months."
I fight to keep my tone #alm. "Is that all you want from me)"
He doesn't say anything for a minute and my stoma#h turns oer. 0ut
then he leans ba#k and settles into his seat, fa#e blank. "I want to go
to grad s#hool for ,nglish," he says tonelessly. "Maybe tea#h ,nglish.
In #ollege. "ot to moroni# high s#hool sophomores like you."
My heart feels full. I smile like it's Christmas morning.
April
The B#))! irthd#! 3ong
My si7teenth birthday #oin#ides with the first warm 9aturday of the
year.
,ri#a drags me outside the moment I get out of bed. !hey'e set up a
table in the ba#kyard, and it's groaning with breakfast food 1 ba#on,
eggs, &ui#e 1 as well as #up#akes frosted in all kinds of #olors. !hey
hand me presents as I eat 1 a ou#her for the bookstore from ,ri#a
F"+ou're a really predi#table person to shop for!G, a gold bra#elet from
'nn F"!his was my great-grandmother's 1 she her husband gae it to
her when he went away to fight for the Confederates."G, a tie-dyed top
F"I painted it myself!"G from ,ri# and a set of notebooks from Mi#hael
F"%."G.
*ad sends a letter and fie hundred dollars in #ash. It makes me tear
up. ,ri#a teases me about keeping one eye on the phone and the
other on the door throughout breakfast. It's true, though. I #an't help
e7pe#ting ?a#h to #all or show up.
/o7anne #alls. Chris #alls. ,e #alls 1 and asks to speak to Mi#hael
three se#onds after wishing me a happy birthday. I see a flush spread
oer his ne#k as he takes the phone and disappears into the house
and my smile widens improbably. !o my surprise 'le7 /eiser, a
sophomore on the literary maga2ine who wear Conerse high-tops in
a sea of loafers and writes witty stories about preteenagers on
6a#ebook, #alls. CeeCee and /oss send a handmade #ard F"(e're
taking blow-painting lessons in the .illage!"G.
/o7anne tries to #oer#e me into going to a #lub with a fake I* at night,
but I tell her that I want to spend the day with my family. 9o she
proides us 1 the entire family 1 with gift #ards for an e7traagant spa
treatment at the /egen#y.
!hey make me turn my phone off in the spa. I'm getting worried about
?a#h.
"Chill, sophomore," /o7anne says airily as a spa attendant rubs
something salty and sti#ky oer my foot. "+ou know he said he was
getting around to telling his parents about "+3 this week. He's
probably grounded or something."
"(hat kind of boyfriend doesn't #all his girlfriend on her birthday)"
,ri#a neer misses an opportunity to get in a dig about ?a#h.
"3m, one who's going to make it up to her)" /o7anne looks pointedly
at me. "I hae another ;uestion. (hat kind of girl doesn't want a
massie blow-out on her si7teenth birthday)"
"+ou know it'll get #ompli#ated," I mumble. "9haya and "athan 1"
"Hate you already," /o7anne says.
"I &ust%" I sigh. "I want to be with the people I #are about today,
okay)"
"'w, you #are about me," /o7anne says in a falsetto. "!hat's su#h a
boost to my ego."
,ri#a giggles. I #an't resist a smile.
?a#h finally #alls me at night.
"Hey!" I #an't help feeling a little giddy at the sound of his oi#e. My
birthday's almost oer, but I feel like I'e &ust gotten the best present of
the day. "*id you tell them)"
"+eah." He sounds e7hausted.
"'nd)"
"My mother #ried," he says wearily. "'nd *ad said he knew I wouldn't
get in. !hey #ompeted to see who #ould s#rew me up more, as usual."
I e7hale, thinking of my own supportie family, the hugs and the kisses
and the presents I'e gotten today. "I'm so sorry."
"(hateer," ?a#h says flatly. "It's not like you were there."
I sit up. "+ou didn't ask me."
"8ike you would hae #ome," ?a#h says darkly.
"I would hae!"
"(hateer," ?a#h says again.
"0ut I would hae." I s#ramble for a different topi#. "It's my birthday."
"-h, yeah," ?a#h says absently. "I forgot about that."
I re#oil into my sheets. "/ight," I say tightly.
He's silent.
"?a#h," I say ;uietly. "+ou're not s#rewed up. +ou're brilliant. +ou know
that. +ou're going to be "+3's best student and graduate with honors
and 1"
"'s opposed, what, to being in the top ten at +ale)" His oi#e is
heay.
I want to see him all of a sudden, wrap him up in my arms and kiss
him until he forgets. "+ou know you'll be happier at "+3."
"/ight." He imitates my tight tone.
"I thought about you all day," I say tentatiely.
"I'm outside."
I drop my phone, a#hing with anti#ipation, and hurry to the window.
He's standing with his motor#y#le popped up by his hip, staring
upwards.
I yank on a skirt and sneak downstairs, almost tripping oer my own
feet in my haste. He rea#hes for me the moment I'm fa#ing him,
#radling me into his long lean body as he kisses the side of my ne#k.
It turns urgent fast, his hands fluttering up my thighs, his teeth
s#raping my shoulder.
I #lut#h at his hand. I feel feerish, but I keep my tone light. "8ate night
booty #all, huh)"
He lets go of me so abruptly that I almost fall. "(hat's that supposed
to mean)"
""othing," I say ;ui#kly. "I &ust missed you today 1"
",7#use me for being a little preo##upied about being a failure."
"$od, ?a#h, enough with the pity party!" I burst out. "!housands of
brilliant kids with tons of e7tra#urri#ulars and great essays and
whateer apply to +ale eery year, and you know what) Most of them
get re&e#ted. It doesn't mean they're not brilliant, doesn't mean they're
not going to be ri#h and famous and great someday, it &ust means they
were unlu#ky in that parti#ular respe#t. -kay) +ou're the smartest guy
I know, and when you win a "obel 4ri2e for 8iterature, +ale 1 and your
unsupportie dou#hebag parents who don't desere you 1 are going
to know about it. -kay)"
His eyes are #old. "Maybe you're a patroni2ing bit#h who's okay with
whateer state s#hool agrees to waitlist her, but I'm not."
I feel my an7iety free2ing and swelling, turning into something like
hard anger. "(ould you prefer it if I told you that I knew it, too) -r do
you want me to #ry) (ill that help you)"
He steps away. "6u#k you."
I grasp for something to do or say that will bridge the #hasm that's
appeared out of nowhere between us, but his bike is already purring
away.
I spend the night sleepless, staring at the #eiling. I try to #all ?a#h the
ne7t day, but he doesn't respond. I stay in bed in the eening. I #ry a
little. Mostly I &ust try not to think.
It's at one in the morning another sleepless night later that my
#omputer beeps.
!ourst#lker" &ome do(n
I throw a #urious, half-frightened glan#e outside the window. It's ?a#h,
leaning against his bike, the moonlight illuminating his pale skin. My
heart &umps into my throat and I don't stop to think as I fly down the
stairs, skidding to a stop a few pa#es away from him.
"$et on," ?a#h says briefly, motioning at his bike.
I keep my sheer relief at seeing him again hidden under my guarded
e7pression. "(hy)"
"=ust get on, okay)"
My throat stings. "9o, what, you &ust walk away and ignore me for two
days straight and then you show up and I'm &ust supposed to 1"
He #ups my fa#e in his hands and kisses me. It's a surprisingly gentle
kiss, nothing like I'm used to, and I melt into it. "$et on," he repeats
huskily.
(e fly through the dark streets on his bike. !he wind whips my hair
into a fren2y and I shier in the #old. I #lut#h him tightly to me, afraid
that I'm dreaming, afraid that I'm going to wake up and he won't be
there. (e whip past the '9nellwood, "ew =ersey' signboard and stop
at the bar I'd dan#ed for him at.
He twists around to look at me, a smirk fluttering around the #orners of
his mouth. "Come on."
"Here)" I say un#ertainly.
"(hat, do you want a red #arpet) -r is that too (ellington-ish)"
I glare at him as I #limb off his bike.
!he bar looks e7a#tly the same it did the first time. ,7#ept that it's
empty, the karaoke ma#hine is playing the 9hania !wain song I
dan#ed to on a #onstant loop, a fire is roaring in the firepla#e, and one
of the tables is #oered with a red-#he#kered #loth with a bo7 of my
faourite -reos #ereal per#hed on top it.
I open and shut my mouth like a fish.
"*on't tease with that unless you plan to use it," ?a#h says into my
ear.
I turn around and throw myself at him, wrapping my arms around his
ne#k, grinding my hips into his. "I #an't beliee you did this," I mutter
into his shirt. "'fter what I said to you. I'm sorry about your parents,
I'm sorry about 1"
"(hateer," he says gruffly, and I know him and I know it's an apology
and an a#knowledgment all at on#e.
I look up into his intense dark eyes as I kiss him slowly, dragging out
the moment as long as I #an.
"Happy belated birthday, kid," he whispers against my mouth.
May
On The 5ide D1l! #nd 1*E
-n the first day of May, my doorbell rings as I'm pouring #ereal into
my breakfast bowl. ,ri#a #omes s#owling into the kit#hen. "It's Mr
9unshine."
I drop my #ereal bowl on the table and dash outside. "(hat are you
doing here)" I ask ?a#h.
He shrugs. "!aking you to s#hool."
"(hat's the o##asion)" I ask suspi#iously.
"!hank you, ?a#h, it was wonderful of you to offer and I'm going to
reward you with earth-shattering se7ual faors the se#ond I #an," he
says, poker-fa#ed.
I roll my eyes, keeping my #ool een as my stoma#h flips in
e7#itement. "+ou hae to wait. I'm eating."
"Hurry up."
I pretend to drag my feet into the house, moing my arms in
e7aggerated slowness. He grabs my arm and twists me around,
stamping a hard kiss onto my nose. "Hurry up," he repeats.
I do.
!he motor#y#le roars through the street and I'm so happy it hurts. I
s;uee2e the life out of his waist and press myself into his ba#k without
#aring if anyone's wat#hing. I lean forward and take his ear between
my lips, grinning goofily when he shudders and throws out a leg to
stop the bike.
He twists around. "'re you trying to get us killed)"
""o," I say, my grin widening. "I'm trying to reward you with earth-
shattering se7ual faors."
5e#li6e DColbie C#ill#tE
I would die if he knew it, but I wat#h him when he's sleeping
sometimes.
He wears #otton !-shirts that smell like #itrus-y shower gel, and I #an
see his #hest rising and falling through the fabri#. He's a rapid
breather, een at night, and his eyelashes flutter on his #heeks like
they're trying to #at#h on them. I moe #loser to him until my hair is
mingling with his on his pillow and inhale, #ataloguing the tiny s#ar at
the #orner of his eye that he got when an older #ousin slammed a
so##er ball into his fa#e, the way he sometimes li#ks his lower lip in
his sleep.
!he thought leaps into my head during one of those moments in a
way that s;uee2es the breath out of my lungs. # love you.
I s#oot away and prop my head up on my arms, my head a#hing with
a sudden onslaught of ;uestions. Is it true) *o I)
He sighs and his hand flutters onto my stoma#h. I free2e, my heart
filling with something big and all-en#ompassing that #an't be anything
else but the truth< I do.
"I'm in loe with you," I whisper aloud, tasting the words, se#ure in my
knowledge that he #an't hear me, that I'm not lying, that it doesn't
matter een I'm proed wrong later, be#ause right now it's truer than
anything I'e eer said.
roken D1m! Lee #nd 3eetherE
!he list of #lass rankings go up on the !hornton bulletin board towards
the end of May.
/o7anne drags me out of #lass the se#ond she hears. !he bulletin
board is guarded from iew by hundreds of students &ostling ea#h
other, but they part like the /ed 9ea to let /o7anne and ?a#h $ellar's
girlfriend through.
/o7anne smirks at me. "I'm number two." 9he runs her finger down
the list, and I know she's sear#hing for 9haya's name.
It's a strange thing, her rialry with 9haya. Most often, she's not the
one atta#king 1 it's 9haya who makes the first moe Fraising her hand
in #lass before /o7anne #an, dating *erek :ettering, neer leaing
"athan's side, a snide #omment in a dining hallG and /o7anne who
defends. I see her pass "athan without either of them saying a word
and feel a strange sense of loss> it's not that I miss the Champagne
$ang or being atta#ked by /o7anne, it simply seems so different, so
unreal to hae the s#hool split down the middle into sides, to hae the
Champagne $ang splintered into opposite sides, to be stared at
during #lass, to hae my name whispered in the halls along with
!hornton's elite.
!o feel like I was neer the person "athan told things to. !o feel like I
don't know anything about "athan anymore, and perhaps neer did.
"Come to #he#k your rank)" /o7anne's smug oi#e breaks into my
reerie. I tense, reali2ing that 9haya and :arin hae appeared. "*on't
worry. +ou're in the top twenty. =ust about."
9haya #rosses her arms oer her #hest. "I don't hae ,e to #heat off
like you do."
"!ell that to the Iy 8eague admissions offi#ers who see her number
two ne7t to your number nineteen," 8auren Morgan, who hasn't
defle#ted like :arin has, says.
9haya rolls her eyes. "Must be ni#er to be able to be prouder of
/o7anne's a##omplishments than you #an be of your own."
I edge away, not wanting to be noti#ed by 9haya. I'm still reeling from
being number si7 1 it's a heady feeling that #'m in the top ten.
' pair of arms wrap around my waist from behind. My fa#e breaks into
a smile of its own a##ord. I lean into ?a#h. !he #ontours of his #hest fit
my ba#k better now, I know from memory the e7a#t pla#e under his
#hin that my head fits best into.
"9o)" His oi#e ibrates through my skin as he speaks.
"I'm si7th in my #lass," I say, unable to keep my oi#e restrained. "I
#an't beliee it. I should gie ,e a thank-you gift 1 she's number one,
unsurprisingly."
?a#h lets go of me. "I'm twenty-two," he says tonelessly.
"I beat you," I &oke.
He looks unamused. ":ind of emas#ulating, huh)"
I s;uint at him, #onfused. "(hat do you mean)"
"My girlfriend being si7teen ranks aboe me."
I half-grin. "-h, yeah. I'm totally the smart one." (hen his e7pression
doesn't #hange, I frown. "+ou're serious)"
He doesn't respond.
I laugh, een though it's not funny. "-kay, you're being totally ar#hai#.
I &ust showed up to more #lasses than you did, that's all. 'nd 1 I'm not
making e7#uses for haing the highest rank I'e eer had!"
"+ou had a lot of help," ?a#h says dully.
"+ou hae got be kidding me." My oi#e rises a few o#taes. "(hat
the hell is wrong with you) I did well in s#hool 1 #an't you &ust be
happy for me)"
He doesn't say anything.
I step away from him. "I #an't beliee you, ?a#h! I thought 1 I don't
know what I thought. I 1 I 1" I fish for words to e7press the way I'm
feeling, but I feel #hoked. "I mean, honestly, do you hae to make this
a #ompetition) I'm in loe with you, but sometimes I don't understand
1"
I halt abruptly. His e7pression i#es oer, his body stiffening, his eyes
opening wide. Shit.
' few intolerable beats of silen#e pass.
"!hat wasn't 1 I didn't mean to say it like 1" I #an't look at him. My
thoughts are a whirlpool, my heart pulsing in terror.
"9ummer! ?a#h!" :arin appears out of nowhere, bubbling oer with
smiles. "=ust the people I was looking for."
I wheel around, relief rising inside me. 9he's with *eborah (ilson and
=ulie Miles, who are wearing the blue-and-gold !hornton #heer s;uad
uniforms.
:arin #laps. "$ie me a 4!" she s;ueals.
"$ie me an /!" =ulie points at her.
"$ie me an -!" *eborah tosses her hair.
"'nd an M!" :arin bows. "(hat does that spell) 4rom!"
"(hat does that mean) Senior prom!"
"(hat do we hae) !i#kets to prom!"
"(ho are they for) !he #ouple of the year!"
"'nd who are they) ?a#h and 9ummer!"
"$o, ?a#h 1 and 1 9ummer!" :arin thrusts her fist into the air with a
flourish. "9o)"
I say the first thing that #omes into my head. "(on't 9haya mind if you
speak to us)"
"0ut we're selling ti#kets for charity," *eb says earnestly.
"9haya's totally into #harity," =ulie Miles informs me.
I stare at them. 'nything to aoid looking at ?a#h.
"+ou guys are going, right)" :arin says, frowning a little.
"3m, sure," I say, &ust as ?a#h says, ""o."
"0ut you have to go." =ulie looks horrified. "It's senior prom."
I turn around, keeping my eyes on the ground as I fa#e ?a#h. "It #ould
be fun."
"*o you seriously think I'm going to dance)" ?a#h says, and his oi#e
is blank and #utting at the same time. "4ran#e around in a tu7edo)
(hisper sweet nothings into your ear as eeryone looks at us starry-
eyed and then fu#k you in a suite at the /egen#y)"
My throat hurts. I stare at him, feeling as though my heart is being
ground into powder with a pair of tongs.
"/ight!" :arin says, mo#k-#heerfully. "Come to us if you need those
ti#kets after all!" 9he swishes off with her friends. I hear a burst of
giggles as they round the #orner.
I look at ?a#h, my fa#e burning. "!here was no need for that. If you
don't want to go, you don't want to go. +ou don't hae to 1"
"I'm sorry," ?a#h says sardoni#ally. "*id I hurt your feelings) 9hould I
hae pretended I'm passionate about dan#ing and tu7edoes be#ause
I'm the #enter of your unierse and you're 1 what did you say) In loe
with me)"
My eyes sting with tears. "I didn't ask you to feel the same way. +ou
don't hae to talk to me like that 1"
"I'm not going to 4rom," he says for#efully.
My stoma#h #hurns with nausea. I feel like a shrielled-up, spit-out
pie#e of filth. "I hate you," I spit, een though I only wish I did.
""o," he says. "'#tually, you're in loe with me."
I walk away from him.
-orever #nd 1l(#!s DT#!lor 3(i%tE
I #an't stop #rying.
'nn and Mi#hael bring me i#e-#ream. ,ri# for#es me to sit through a
whole season of K(=9(/ ,ri#a puts her hands on her hips and spits, "I
told you he was a &a#kass."
,ri# ki#ks her. ""ot helping," he hisses.
"+ou know he makes her #ry more than anyone else eer has," she
says a##usingly.
"0ut he makes her happier than anyone else eer has," ,ri# says.
I #an't take it anymore. I run out of the room and die into mine.
I #url into my bed and #lose my eyes and #ry until my throat feels
s#raped and raw. 'nd then I #ry some more. I s#ream into my pillow,
press my #hest with my hands to hold in the pie#es of my heart,
smash my fist repeatedly into my mattress, but none of it mitigates the
sheer sharpness of the pain #oursing through my body.
I'm #almer on the third day. I eat breakfast. I flop around the #ou#h
and wat#h !. until my brain turns to mush. I don't pi#k up a book. I
don't #he#k my phone for missed #alls or messages.
/o7anne walt2 into the house at eight in the eening.
"+ou're going to prom," she says when I stare a#antly up at her
glittering, e7pertly made-up fa#e, sweeping siler ballgown and
elegant updo.
""o," I say flatly.
"+es. +ou're going to 4rom and haing reenge se7 with a hot senior
and show ?a#h $ellar that he #an't walk all oer you."
"I #an't," I say listlessly. "It doesn't matter. I #an't do this anymore."
"9ophomore, listen to me." 9he sinks into the #ou#h ne7t to me and
grips my shoulders. Her ga2e drills into me like a drill sergeant's. "If
you &ust sit around like you'e gien up, he wins. He was a &a#kass to
you. "o, honestly, not a &a#kass, I don't hae words to des#ribe what
he was. +ou #an't let him matter."
"I don't #are about winning," I say, tears springing to my eyes again. "I
&ust%$od, /o7anne, it's not that easy. I #an't%it doesn't feel like%the
end%and I feel so in#omplete without him%but I #an't let him do this
to me anymore either, and I%I can't let him do this to me, /o7anne."
"+ou hae to be strong," /o7anne says, and there's something in her
oi#e that makes me look up. athan, I think, and feel a sudden urge
to hug her.
(e look at ea#h other for a long, long minute. 'nd then I hear myself
saying defeatedly, "6ine."
4rom is set up in the giganti# football field at !hornton. !he theme is
/oyalty, so there a lot of turrets and sparkling tiaras made of
9waroski #rystals and elet thrones and senior girls in billowing
ballgowns. ' few under#lassmen on the 9o#ial Committee are
huddled together. /o7anne is eneloped by a #rowd of senior boys
the moment we enter. I tu#k myself into a #orner and wat#h, as
deta#hed from the s#ene as if I'm not really there.
I see someone who looks like Mi#hael talking to ,e by the goblets of
pun#h. I blink and rub my mas#ara'd eyes. It is Mi#hael. 6or a se#ond
I think of talking to him, but then I don't. I #an't muster up the energy.
I spot "athan twirling :arin (u in the middle of the dan#e floor.
!hey're laughing #onspiratorially, fa#es #lose to ea#h other's. !he
pang of missing him enelopes me, making me wish suddenly that I
#ould be in his arms, letting him soothe the pain burning inside me.
0ut I know that nobody #an really make the pain go away.
#'m moving on, at last # can see1that li,e has been patiently waiting
,or me1!he familiar song bursts through the speakers.
It's the /as#al 6latts song. !he one I heard in "athan's #ar the first
time he took me out.
"athan straightens slowly, his e7pression #hanging. His eyes s#an the
#rowded field and land on me. I hold his ga2e, trying to beg for
forgieness with my eyes.
0ut he doesn't soften. He doesn't walk towards me. He lets out a sigh
1 I #an see his #hest rise and fall 1 and then he turns away, looking
almost as sad as I feel.
Cut to the ;ui#k, I slump, hopelessness tearing into me.
"Hey. 9ummer)"
I look up. It's 'le7 /eiser, the sophomore on the lit mag whose stories
I loe. His smile is friendly. I #he#k his feet> he's wearing his
Conerses.
"-h," I say, distra#ted. "Hi."
"(here's your boyfriend)"
"He's%" I hold my breath, waiting for the knife-sharp bite of pain to
pass. ""ot%" I #an't get the words out.
'le7 nods, his smile spilling wider. "*o you want to dan#e)"
I swallow the lump in my throat. "+eah. -kay."
(e moe into the dan#e floor. He folds his arms around my waist and
I lean into him. He smells like mint, and he's &ust the right si2e for me
to rest my head on his shoulder. 6or a moment it's doable, it's
something that feels all right.
0ut then, abruptly, I #an't breathe. It feels wrong, he feels wrong 1 he's
too short, too friendly, his hair too neat, his smell too fresh, his skin too
#ool, his%eerything. !oo wrong.
I stumble away from him with haunted eyes. "I #an't do this."
His smile fades. "Is something wrong)"
"I 1 I 1 I'm sorry." I ba#k away, almost tripping oer my feet. "I #an't 1 I
hae to go."
I wait until I'm in the parking lot to double oer and #lut#h my sides,
trying to slow down my breathing, trying not to e7plode like a pri#ked
balloon, trying to hold my swelling sadness inside my body. I burst into
sobs, tiny sobs that wra#k my entire body until I'm numb.
"4rom su#ks that mu#h, huh)"
!he oi#e is like an ele#tri# sho#k. I bolt upright, looking around wildly.
?a#h's wearing a tu7edo. (ith a bow-tie. He saunters towards me,
hair rumpled like he's tried to #omb it.
I take a step ba#kwards, away from him. ""o."
He #o#ks his head. "9o it was good)"
""o," I say, fighting to keep my oi#e steady. "I #an't do this."
He's silent.
"I #an't keep doing this dan#e we do, where we &ust keep taking one
step forward and a thousand steps ba#kward 1 I #an't gie my heart to
you and see you run away and then wat#h you #ome ba#k. I &ust 1 it's
too mu#h, ?a#h, it's too ,ucking much, and if you keep hurting me this
mu#h I don't think I #an take it any 1"
"I loe you."
I free2e as the words spill e7plosiely out of his mouth. He raises a
shaking hand to his head and #ombs ba#k his hair, not taking his eyes
off me.
"+ou 1" !he lightness fills me like air, di22ying and da22ling.
"+eah," ?a#h says, almost bitterly. "I'm so in loe with you that I #an't 1
think straight. It dries me #ra2y, you know that) It dries me #ra2y
feeling this way, when I'e neer belieed in 1 when I feel like I'm not
keeping up with you 1 when I 1" He shakes his head, almost
desperately. "6u#k, kid."
I tou#h my fa#e. My eyes are wet. I #an't say anything, but it suddenly
doesn't matter. He stares at me, and I stare ba#k, and my heart swells
until I'm sure it's going to burst.
He's silent for a long, long time, and then he says, "+ou want to
dan#e)"
I moe into his open arms and bury my fa#e in his #hest as his arms
fold around me. I feel en#ompassed and #onsumed by him, and it
doesn't feel wrong. I breathe into him and we sway to the strains of
the song #oming from the field. His hand is on my hair, more tender
than it's eer been before.
If I #ould pi#k a moment to lie oer and oer again until I died, it
would be this one.
June
1n!(here D,v#nes&en&eE
"I'm skipping graduation," ?a#h says. "I'm going to "ew +ork instead."
"(hat about your parents)" I say sternly. "+ou know, the people who
are paying your #ollege tuition) !hey might want to see you get your
diploma."
?a#h ;uirks an eyebrow. "!hat's all you'e got) Mommy dearest is
taking !alia to isit her sister in Miami. *ad says he refuses to wat#h
me graduate from !hornton when the best it #an do for me is send me
to "+3."
I fold my arms. "(hat about me)"
He kisses my #heekbone. "Come with me."
(e hae lun#h with CeeCee and /oss at the *airy 5ueen. CeeCee
&umps out of her #hair when she sees us and kisses us both effusiely
all oer our fa#es. "I knew it!" she shouts. "I knew he had a huge #rush
on you!"
I blush. "(ell, I didn't."
"Maybe I was &ust putting on this brooding unre;uited-loe a#t to get
you to hae sympathy se7 with me," ?a#h says lightly.
CeeCee laughs. "!oo bad, ?a#h, I'm taken." 9he pauses, a giant smile
spreading a#ross her fa#e. "%nd getting married in -#tober."
"+ou're what)" I almost s#ream.
"# know!" 9he shouts ba#k giddily. "(e set a date!"
"-h my $od!" I shout, and then we're s;uee2ing ea#h other and I'm
laughing and kissing /oss on the #heek and CeeCee is kissing /oss
everywhere and ?a#h is%well, ?a#h is #almly eating his banana
sundae with a tiny smirk on his fa#e.
'fter lun#h, ?a#h and I walk around the (ashington 9;uare 4ark
#ampus. He rolls his eyes as I take pi#tures of the (ashington 9;uare
'r#h and the ,lmer Holmes 0obst and s;ueal oer how fantasti# it is
that he's going to #ollege in my hometown. (e isit a residen#e hall
and sneak looks at some open rooms. I s;ueak as he drags me into
one and ki#ks the door shut behind him.
"(hat the hell)" I rub my elbow. "+ou &ust broke my arm."
"*o you seriously think I'm going to spend four years in a room this
si2e)" ?a#h's fa#e #ontorts as he looks around. "It's smaller than
!alia's bed."
"!otal hyperbole. It's twi#e the si2e of your bed."
"Comforting," he snarks. "I'm serious."
"?a#h $ellar, slumming it," I grin.
He narrows his eyes. "0it#h."
"0rat," I shoot ba#k.
He rubs his head. "+ou want to fool around on that mattress)"
""o!" I nudge him away. "+ou know some kid is going to sleep on it,
right) !hat would be #ruel."
"If that's your definition of #ruelty, I shudder to think what you're going
to do when you're in the real world."
"(hat's your definition of #ruelty) $as #hambers) 'us#hwit2)"
He s#owls. "Hilter wasn't a bad leader. ' nar#issist, but a leader
neertheless. He got rid of $ermany's indebtedness in ery little time
1"
"0y refusing to pay $ermany's debts, whi#h #ontributed at least a bit
to the $reat *epression 1 one #an't &ust bury your head in the sand
and pretend problems don't e7ist like that 1 " I take a heated step
towards him.
"$ermany's debts weren't a feasible amount in the first pla#e. ,ery
moron knows that. !he .ersailles Conferen#e went way oerboard 1
maybe if they didn't demand so mu#h 1" He grabs my hands, whi#h
are shoing at him.
"!hey wouldn't hae had to if :aiser (ilhelm hadn't been a soul-
su#king power-hungry idiot with delusions of his own powers!"
' sudden silen#e engulfs the room. I'm too #lose to him, I reali2e
swiftly. ?a#h's hold tightens on my hands. (e look at ea#h other> I
swallow.
",7#use me)" !he door swings open. ' boy in a belly-baring shirt
s#owls fier#ely at us. "+ou're not supposed to be here."
I step away from ?a#h hastily. "9orry. (e're &ust leaing."
-n#e we're outside, I smile smugly. "$uess you lost your #han#e at
that mattress."
His eyes gleam spe#ulatiely. "+ou know, maybe a #lassroom would
be a better idea."
I'll e There -or /ou DThe -riends Theme 3ongE
' heat wae hits 8inbury towards the middle of =une. I spend most of
my time in /o7anne's pool in my swimsuits from !hailand. /o7anne
a#tually swims 1 she says she's put on eight pounds sin#e the end of
s#hool 1 but ?a#h and I drift around the shallow end, ki#king water at
ea#h other.
/o7anne starts a spell of serial dating. ,ery day a new boy, either
gorgeous or ripped or both, appears in her pool and #ompetes with
her turns. 9ometimes there are two> on#e a lifeguard le#tures her on
how her turns la#k finesse. 9he smiles sweetly at him and then tells
him to leae. ,e &oins us sometimes, and on those days I see my
brother more than I'e seen him all year.
(e go boating on the rier, all si7 of us. (e wat#h moies at *uke's.
(e gobble i#e-#ream at the *airy 5ueen and #ho#olate #hip
#up#akes at 9tarbu#ks. (e drie to the bea#h and play olleyball on
the sand and play around the waes. 't night, we eat dinner together
at my house or at /o7anne's and play board games in front of the !..
/o7anne turns up her nose at the 'pedestrian pursuits' but neer turns
down an initation to &oin us.
I ask her about "athan on#e. "!hat ship has sailed," she says
haughtily.
"I heard you guys dan#ed together at 4rom," I say hesitantly.
"(e did," she says. "It was a goodbye dan#e. I &ust #an't 1 see him
again. He makes me forget who I am."
"I wish things didn't hae to end the way they did," I say softly.
"+eah, well." /o7anne shrugs. "+ou win some, you lose some."
I e7aggerate my look of sho#k. "I never thought you'd be okay with
losing some."
""ot when it #omes to 9haya, I'm not." /o7anne grins brilliantly.
I sigh. "+ou were right about !hornton, you know. +ou either hae to
fade into the shadows, sere royalty, or fight for royalty to surie.
9haya's not the kind to fade or sere. 'nd neither are you. !hat's her
problem."
"'re you defending her)" /o7anne says sharply.
""o," I say. "I'm &ust%it's kind of sad, in a way. 9he used to be a ni#e
person."
"-h, sophomore, don't get so maudlin."
I smirk at her. "I'm a &unior now, you know."
"*on't remind me." 9he shudders theatri#ally.
"*o you miss "athan)" I say softly.
9he's mute for a while. "8ike I said. +ou win some, you lose some."
I look a#ross at ?a#h. His brows furrow in #on#entration as he forms
some neerending and #ompli#ated word on the 9#rabble board. If I
rea#h out, I #an tou#h him, and knowing this makes me
un#ompli#atedly &oyful. "+eah. I guess you do."
July
I'm Cith /ou D1vril L#vigneE
=une melts into =uly and it gets a little #ooler, but not mu#h. I'm
beginning to miss ?a#h already, sadness swelling as I think of the ne7t
year. (e spend most of our time ined around ea#h other outside on
his park ben#h. My hair blea#hes a lighter #olour and his skin bron2es
and I imagine that the sunshine is a se#ret between us.
I #oil into his lap as we flip through books from the library together. He
snaps at me eery time I rea#h a page before him, #alling me a
#ompetetie pain in the ass who's going to go blind from reading too
fast, and I snap ba#k #alling him a page-fas#ist, and then of #ourse we
pause to make out, whi#h makes reading lose its appeal a little bit. It
takes us a week to finish a book.
(e go the bar in 9nellwood on#e. I get really drunk on te;uila shots
for the first time and dan#e on a table again, and he strokes my hips
as he pulls me off it. (e lie down on the grass where we kissed for the
first time and kiss again, a thousand times, until I gie up #ounting.
(e eat fren#h fries at *airy 5ueen and he takes me home. I'm
laughing as I key the door open, and then, suddenly, I'm not.
"!adley)"
My stepsister lets out the loudest bellow I'e eer heard and flings
herself at me. 6or a se#ond I rear ba#k, remembering all the times
she'd thrown bottles at me, and then I reali2e what she's doing< she's
trying to hug me.
9he s;uee2es the breath out of me. Her eyes are bright. Her hair is
the original brown it was before she started #olouring it yellow and red
and neon blue. Her mouth is dan#ing and she looks like she did
before "eil died.
"I'm dreaming, right)" I say da2edly.
"I got released from rehab," she says &oyfully. I'e neer heard
anybody sound as &oyful as Hadley #an. "I'm okay, little sis. I'm fine."
My eyes are moist. "I #an't beliee it."
"(ell, you better!" 9he slaps my butt. "How are you)!"
I fight to pull myself together. "?a#h, this is my sister Hadley. Hadley,
my boyfriend ?a#h."
9he sureys him #riti#ally. "!urn around," she #ommands.
?a#h raises an eyebrow. ",7#use me)"
"*on't argue with the former #oke whore," Hadley says. "!urn."
?a#h narrows his eyes at me, but he turns. Hadley laughs loudly.
"!otally a better ass than Curtis's. $ood going, sis. I assume you
dumped that "eanderthal)"
I suddenly remember what "eil used to #all her< Hurri#ane Hadley.
"+es," I say, unable to resist a laugh.
?a#h stares at her unabashedly. "Hey, kid, you didn't tell me you had
another hot sister."
I roll my eyes at him, but Hadley's eyes snap. "*ude. 9how some
respe#t. *on't go #alling other #hi#ks hot in front of her. It hurts a girl."
?a#h's eyes go frosty. He takes a step towards me, #uring his arm
prote#tiely, possessiely oer my shoulders. "I don't think anyone #an
hurt 9ummer as mu#h as you already hae."
Hadley looks taken aba#k. "(hat the fu#k is that supposed to mean)"
"+ou're the #oke whore," ?a#h says, in his measured, most #utting
tone. "'ren't you) !he one who threw bottles and said things without
giing a shit about how it made her feel) I loe 9ummer, so don't
&udge my relationship with her when you'e hurt her far more than I
eer will."
6ear speeds up my heart. I rea#h for his arm. Hadley's &aw drops. 9he
stares at him, her e7pression unreadable.
'nd then she grins. "'w, man," she says heartily, giing his shoulder a
loud, resounding slap. "+ou and I are going to get along 7ust ,ine."
I let out the breath I'm holding in.
"0ut for now," Hadley says, "get out, okay) My sis and I need to get
some stuff out of the way."
9he pulls me down on the #ou#h the moment ?a#h e7its. "9o)"
"'re you really okay)" I feel weepy.
"+eah," Hadley says earnestly. "I mean, I still need to meet with a
shrink eery week and all, but I'm #lean. Hae been for months."
I wrap my arms around her, resting my #hin on her shoulder. "I'e
been so worried about you."
9he ruffles my hair. "I know. I su#k. 're you really mad)"
"I was," I say truthfully. "0ut I%thought about it, and%I figured there
had to be a reason. +ou know) ' reason you felt so mu#h worse than
we did."
Hadley kisses my forehead. "Honestly) "eil was my baby. More than
anyone else's. I took #are of him, I was always with him. Mom and
6rank had ea#h other 1 or I thought they did, anyway 1 and you had
Curt and CeeCee had /oss and Mi#hael and the twins were busy
with%other stuff. 0ut "eil was my everything. I was #ra2y about him.
'nd when he died%"
"+ou don't hae to talk about it 1"
""o, baby, I'e got to e7plain," she says resolutely. "!he thing is, when
"eil died, I blamed myself. If I hadn't tried to tea#h him to swim, if I
had been in the pool during the earth;uake%" 9he looks at me, tears
glittering in her eyes. "I &ust #ouldn't stop thinking about it, you know) I
wanted to die."
"0ut it wasn't your fault," I insist.
"0eliee me, I'e had that drummed into my head multiple times at
rehab." 9he shakes her head rapidly. "0ut I want to%make it up to you
guys. +ou know) I know I #an't think like that, I know I%"eil's gone.
0laming myself won't bring him ba#k. I know that."
I hug her tighter. "I'm sorry, Hads."
9he kisses my #heek. "I know. I'm sorry, too."
"I loe you," I say, be#ause maybe she needs to hear it, and I need to
say it.
9he grins, boun#ing away from the moment with her usual ala#rity.
"'s mu#h as you loe Mr !ight 'ss)"
I #an't help it> I burst out laughing.
August
It's .ot Over DChris D#ughtr!E
!he #loser ?a#h gets to starting #ollege, the more he talks about "+3.
He talks about (riters in 4aris, a study abroad program. He talks
about #lasses he wants to take< Caribbean 8iterature, /oman#e
languages, History of *rama and !heatre. He talks about the 8illian
.ernon Creatie (riters House and the prestigious Creatie (riting
minor. He talks about the literary maga2ine, about "ew +ork City,
about the book his roommate has written.
It makes me happy to see him so e7#ited about something, but it also
hurts me in a strange. I think of wars, soldiers leaing the girls who
loe them. I think of how I #an't share the world he's entering. I think of
how I feel seeral steps behind him. I think of #ollege parties, older
girls with sedu#tie laughs and insightful ideas, being left behind and
forgotten.
It gets harder to smile.
"(hat)" ?a#h snaps at me when I turn away from him mid-senten#e.
He's shirtless, the mus#les on his stoma#h #oiling and un#oiling as he
stuffs so#ks into his bag.
I grab the bag from him. ""othing. It sounds really big, what's going to
happen. Meaningful."
He rea#hes for me and tra#es his fingers oer my #ollarbone, his other
hand rea#hing for the hem of my shirt. "(hat's that supposed to
mean)"
I let him pull my shirt oer my head. I shier slightly as his ga2e drifts
oer me, feeling intolerably ulnerable. "College isn't high s#hool."
"+our point being)" He drags the word out, e77agerated patien#e.
"#'m high s#hool."
He doesn't say anything. I flush from my stoma#h to the roots of my
hair, ashamed. "$od, I sound like a needy patheti# bit#h, don't I) *on't
listen to me. I'm really e7#ited for you. +ou &ust hae to tell me all
about it, okay) 0e#ause, I mean, I hae to lie i#ariously through you
while I sit through a bun#h of stupid '4 #lasses and wat#h /o7anne
and 9haya unleash (orld (ar III on 1"
He drags me #loser to him, twining his legs around my waist as he
pulls something 1 a purple !-shirt in my si2e 1 out from under his
pillow and smooths it oer my upper body. I look down at the "+3
logo on it in silen#e.
"+ou're an idiot," ?a#h says briefly. "(hat else)"
I look up at him. "0lond 4ark 'enue prin#esses," I say. "'lternatie
genius filmmakers with green hair. 'nd berets. 9e7y girls who like to
e7periment 1"
""athan (ellington, an hour away at 4rin#eton," ?a#h #uts me off.
"'le7 /eiser, the kid in all your #lubs who has a raging #rush on you.
/o7anne Cartwright's many, many #ast-offs who will date any girl with
a modi#um of popularity."
I blink. "0ut I don't want 1"
He kisses me with an open mouth, wet, demanding. ",7a#tly."
5iding O%% Into The 3unset DThe D(#!ne Dible! #ndE
!hree days before s#hool starts, ?a#h and I go to "ew +ork in
Mi#hael's #ar.
(e're ;uiet as we drie through the sunny greenery of 8inbury and
onwards. (e take turns at the wheel. He keeps his fingers in my hair
when I drie and I hum softly along to the radio when he does. He
naps for a while and I glan#e at him eery few se#onds, frightened by
my own happiness.
(e park when the sun sets and I gloat as he demands the turkey
sandwi#hes he ribbed me for pa#king in the first pla#e. He holds me
for a while and soon we're #lut#hing at ea#h other in the ba#kseat,
kissing until my fa#e is sli#k with tears. He takes my hand when we
start moing again and I brush my lips a#ross our intertwined fingers,
tu#king them under my #hin.
!he sunset fades away into darkness, but his hand remains warm and
solid and real in mine.
TB, ,.D
Dlike' %in#ll!E.
1G. " OBMI?OD OBMI?OD OBMI?OD
-I.1LL/77777777777777777777777777777777777777
-k. Minor freakout oer. 9orry. <G 'aah. !his was su#h a long, 8-"$
#heesefest. I was afraid to look at the word #ount. !o those of you who
wanted "athan to end up with /o7anne 1 I'm sorry, but I &ust don't see
that happening. 'nd I know it would hae been ni#e if he and 9ummer
#ould fi7 things, but I don't see that happening, either. 3nless she
stopped dating ?a#h, whi#h, #learly she didn't. !o those of you who
now need glasses be#ause this #hapter was 9- 6/,':I"$ 8-"$,
or who had to puke after the fluffy sappiness, well, I apologi2e for that,
too.
-ops, I &ust reali2ed that I made "+3 a state s#hool when it's "-! Fas
pointed out in a reiew.G 9orry, #halk it up to I-#an't-apply-and-
parti#ipate-in-its-awesomeness-be#ause-they-don't-hae-fundings-for-
international-students bitterness!
I hae so many people to thank. ,ery single person who's eery left
a reiew, you'e motiated me and literally 6-/C,* me to end this
despite how mu#h I often didn't feel like I #ould. !hose of you who, like
3keeter the ?roundhog, hae been with me sin#e my 9napple
Coffee days. M#&ken6ie, who's helped me out of a ;uagmire or two.
sh#ke., for rather 64-unrelated reasons. !- '88 -6 +-3. I mean,
seriously. I 8-., +-3 $3+9. !H'": +-3.
(e're done here, folks.



23. 1nnoun&ement
3o I (#s missing >#&h #nd 3ummer' #nd I thought o% (riting #
&ute %lu%%! oneAshot #bout them #t &ollege. It didn't turn out the
(#! I (#nted it to' but it's on m! )ro%ile. 1nd then I h#d #nother
ide#" (h! not do # (hole series o% oneAshots #bout The
Ch#m)#gne ?#ng+ There (ere so m#n! &h#r#&ters I didn't get to
develo)" ,ve' %or e0#m)le. 1nd I miss the m#in three terribl!. 3o
I'm going to turn th#t oneAshot on m! )ro%ile into the %irst &h#)ter
o% m! ne( series o% oneAshots. Look #t it i% !ou (#nt to. "E
More oneAshots &oming u) #bout )eo)le %rom Linbur!7