How To Pick Up Strippers

HOWTOPICK UP
STRIPPERS
strippers interior 10/14/03 1:13 PM Page 301
ISBN #1-55601-405-8
Copyright 2003 Gary Brodsky
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced
without the permission of the publisher.
The RAGE
Published by the RAGE
GARY BRODSKY
HOWTOPICK UP
STRIPPERS
If she be false, O! then heaven mocks itself.
Ill not believe it.
William Shakespeare
A fool and his money are soon parted.
James Howell
I NT RODUCT I ON
Do You Really Know
What Youre Doing Here?
So, gentlemen, you want to pick yourself up a stripper, do
you? My, my, my. Well, Im telling you, I know one thing
about you already. I know that you have got to have some
kind of goddamn impressive balls on you if you really
think youre in that kind of league. Either that, my lad, or
youre one mighty stupid son of a bitch.
Whats that, you shout? You say Im not leaving you
very much middle ground?
Well, youre fucking-A-right on that one. Oh, yeah!
In fact, Ill tell you this, Commander Cody, if you think
youve got the stuff to pick up strippers, you might have
some kind of fucking King Kong sized-balls on you and
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might still be one stupid son of a bitch.
And, dont go letting your nose fly all out of joint and
start getting all upset with me. Im just here to shoot you
the straight shit and you should know it. And, while were
on the subject, since most everyone out there holding this
book should know me, Im assuming you know that I am
the goddamned king of this kind of information. For those
who dont know me, let me just introduce myself quickly.
My name is Gary Brodsky, and Ive laid more women than
the MTA has laid feet of train track (and since theyve put
down hundreds upon hundreds of miles of subway track,
trust me when I say that I know what Im talking about
here).
So, believe me, Sidney, if you actually think that youre
up to the Herculean challenge of picking up a stripper as
your next cuddle toy, you had better understand up front
and full force that you are getting ready to play with
fucking dynamite. Do you understand me here? Are you
catching my drift? Are you even listening, or are you just
thinking of long legs wrapped around a pole with your
hand firmly wrapped around your willie? Thats wouldnt
be bright.
So, let me just say the words again in an attempt to get
HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS
2
through to you.
If you think youyes, you, and I dont care who you
are, or more to the point, whoever it is you think you are
are up to the challenge of picking up a stripper in this day
and age, then trust me on this one, Chuck, if youve never
trusted me on anything before this, you had goddamn well
better understand, right now, up front and full force, that
you are getting ready to play with fucking dynamite.
Hell, I dont even know why I describe this situation by
using a word as puny, as wimpy as mere dynamite. When it
comes to the dating game, man o man, strippers are not
dynamite, strippers are fucking weapons of mass
destruction. And I mean, were talking the whole NBC
package herenuclear, biological and chemical warfare
oh, yeah; strippers are the fucking atomic bombs of dating,
and only the top dogs, those with commando training and
bomb squad experience had better make an attempt at
trying to defuse one of these bitches.
In fact, forget mere atomics, jump past hydrogen
bombs, even. Strippers are the neutron bombs of the
dating scene. What do I mean by that? I shall explain.
The neutron bomb is one of the more evil weapons of
mass destruction ever created. When it detonates, it kills all
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the people in a specific area, but it doesnt harm property.
The buildings remain standing. Wealth and treasure isnt
burned up or melted down. It all remains completely
recoverable by the invading enemy. And thats what makes
strippers the neutron bombs of the dating world.
These ladies will flash-fry you without a second thought.
They will kill you and laugh about it, and then leave your
fucking carcass out to dry, while at the same time they make
off with your wallet, your car, your bank account, your
house, your kids college fund, and anything else that isnt
nailed down. Are you getting the picture now?
Let me make it easy for you. Here, heres the whole
story from beginning to end in a neat little nutshell. Can
you get a date with a stripper? Sure thing, you Magoos
you probably can. Any one of you. Picked your nose since
the fifth gradeso what? Out of shape? The kind of guy
people described as a pumpkin rather than pumped?
Bad skin? Short? Balding? Wardrobe not updated since the
Nixon presidency? No problem. Honest. You can absolutely
get a date with a stripper.
Im not kidding.
As long, that is, as youve got money.
And plenty of it.
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Again, allow me to explain. All across the country and
around the Western world, strip clubs are rapidly gaining
in both popularity and acceptance. Cage dancers, lap
dancers, pole dancers, bar runners, show girls, whatever the
name, suddenly the stigma of shame has been removed
from frequenting their haunts. Politicians, doctors and
lawyers are taking meetings in places like the Glitterdome
and The Front Line without the slightest worry of any kind
of social reproach.
Oh, yes, its all out-in-the-open, nice-and-proper good
times now, isnt it? It sure is. And, its that sudden
respectability that has turned what was once known as
the local clip joint practically overnight into a billion
dollar business. A business housing creatures that are
leaving thousands of destroyed families and careers in their
wake every year.
Now, everyone thinks they know exactly what strip
clubs are all about. Tell me if this description is different
from what you think its all about.
Men with nothing better to do with their time go in
and waste their money on a bunch of dancers. They watch
the girls shake their goods, stick a few dozen dollar bills in
their garter belts, and then they go back to the office or
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home to their wives after a few beers and a couple of hours
of off-color but essentially harmless fun. No big deal.
Sounds familiar, doesnt it? It should. Its the myth
carefully promoted by the clubs and its patrons to make
them seem harmless, practically innocent, and thus okay to
have around in family neighborhoods. But, oh brother,
nothing could be more absurdly further from the truth.
Of course, yes, its true that Americas topless clubs can
be nothing more than a mild diversion for the occasional
man who is truly looking for nothing more than to disrupt
his regular routine with a bit of naughty fun. But, for
many with no actual idea of what lies beyond the strip club
entrance, the first step through the doorway is often the
beginning move down the road to ruin. Im giving it to
you straight here, so be a man and take it, because if you
dont, you are doomed.
The patrons of strip clubs who arent interested in
anything beyond downing a few brews and watching some
naked women cavort for a while are quickly sized up by the
dancers. These guys are crossed off the prospect list and
ignored (and trust me, most of them would be happy to
know that if they had any idea what not getting crossed off
the list can mean).
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Honestly, I am telling you right now, Dobie, the women
in these clubs are not dancing there solely for the chance to
have guys who dont wash their hands when theyre in the
bathroom pawing their crotches and asses just so they can
collect portraits of George Washington. Being pawed and
drooled over is what they put up with, not why theyre
there.
Nope, theyre there for the regularsthe dimwits who
become nightly fixturesthats who these gals are waiting
for. These dopes are their targets, those boobs who can be
made to believe that they are the onethat oh, so special
man, that prince, that savior, who could be the certain
wonderful someone that each and every strip girl has been
waiting for, and pining away for, for ever so long.
These saps are the victims, used regularly with a
deliberate and vicious calculation, who lives are destroyed
on a routine basis. And brother, Im telling you right now,
if you dont listen to me, and I mean listen to every single
word I tell you like youve never listened to anything
before, you are going to get your ass hung out to dry so fast
youre going to think some terrorist flew a fucking jet liner
up your ass.
Now, am I saying theres no way possible to date a
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stripper without getting your ass handed to you? Well, of
course not. This is Gary Brodsky youre talking to here. I
couldve gotten Princess Diana and Mother Theresa in a
three way if I wanted to. I am the high octane, balls-to-the-
walls, once and future king of Getting It, and dont you
ever forget it.
But, just to let you know how serious this is, I will
remind you that even I have had my bad days. No one is
born being able to shag all the snatch they want. We learn,
we try, we make mistakes, and we try again. I had to get to
the top of the heap like any other master of any
disciplineand you, my students, had better heed me
when I speak.
There is no tougher nut to crack that a stripper. None.
Period. Youll find seventy prostitutes with a heart of gold
who will love you forever before youll find a single
stripper who will give you a break.
Huh, Garywhatre you talking about (I hear from the
peanut gallery)? Arent strippers and whores the same
thing?
No way. Not by a long shot. Prostitutes you pay for sex.
You hand them money, they do what you want. You want a
blow job, you get it. A hand job, your wish is their
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command. A rim job, in the back door, up the Erie Canal,
missionary style, whatever you wantokay? Its your
dough. To paraphrase the Bible here, pay and ye shall
receive.
Strippers laugh at hookers. Why? Because, you doofus,
strippers dont have to have sex with you to get your
moneyget it, now?
You pay strippers for the illusion of sex. When a
prostitute takes money for sex, shes breaking the law. Shes
the temptress, shes the criminal. But, when you go to a
strip club, what happens? You sit in the darkness and peep
at a woman while she takes her clothes off. Youre the
voyeur. Youre the one breaking the law, spying on a
helpless woman while she simply gets undressed. Youre the
criminal.
Yes, I know its legal. Im talking intent here, okay? Why
else are the lights kept low in these places everywhere
except for on the stage? So you can hide out from the other
guys in the place? Why, because youre embarrassed?
Thats just not the way it is anymore. Now these places
are respectable social clubs. No, strip clubs are set up the
way they are to give you the impression that you are doing
something naughty simply by being there. The club is
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hoping to bring back the feeling you had staring out your
window when you were ten at the neighbor woman as she
got ready for bed. They are encouraging you to feel bold
and reckless, setting the mood for you to feel like one
dangerous cat.
After all, a dangerous cat has everything under control.
A dangerous cat is respected, feared. It does what it wants,
when it wants, and the way it wants.
These clubs want you in this frame of mind. The
better you feel about yourself, the more comfortable you
get. The more comfortable you are, the more relaxed you
get. The more relaxed you get, the more relaxed you want
to stay. And so, when the waitress comes around to take
your drink order, sure, youll have another. After all, youre
in charge here, youre a tough guy, and you can do what
you want whenever you want. Yeah, get me another drink,
and make it snappy.
And the waitress runs off to do your bidding because
youre just the most masculine hunk of beef shes seen in
ages. Of course, thats what the back of your mind tells
you. What it doesnt tell you is that your entire self-
deluding image of this place and your relationship with it
will crumble if the waitress tells you that you have to order
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another drink or leave. So, you order the drink without
having the confrontation.
Well, these girls work just like their clubs. They get you
thinking you are the king of kings, and then constantly
throw obstacles in your way to force you to prove your
royal linage. And, surprise, surprise, most of those
obstacles can only be removed with yet another out lay of
cash.
But, one step at a time.
This is going to be a rougher ride than usual. Most of
the time in my books Im telling you how to get over on
average, work-a-day women, the types of bimbos you find
everywhere. Most women are strictly amateurs in the game
of love and sex, but they think just because they have
something between their legs that most men want, that
they automatically win.
And hey, lets face it, often times with most guys, they
do win. But, these bitches are so easy to put into their place
its pathetic. No so with strippers.
These women are hard as nails, twice as sharp and
capable of enduring just as much punishment without
bending a millimeter. They know all the tricks, all the
dodges, every single way to drain money out of most men
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like a water faucet. But, there is hope. There really is.
Just like the fact most women think that because they
have a pussy they are automatically the heavyweight champ
of any relationship, so do strippers think they have a big
advantage as well. For them, they arent relying on their
pussies. No, theyre relying on a few other things they have
up their sleevestricks that they are so used to having pay
off for them that they can be tricked, manipulated, fooled
and dominated just like any other female.
But, before I can teach you how to defeat the enemy,
youre going to have to know a bit more about the enemy
first. So, what are you waiting for? Turn the page and lets
get started.
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CHAP T E R ONE
What Strippers Are All About
So, the big questionhere it isjust what is it that
strippers really want from you? Man, let me tell you right
now that there are all manner of things that they enjoy
taking from their marks. Self-respect is one. Brother, do
they love getting their hands on that. In fact, there are a
whole bundle of emotions they love to twist and destroy in
men. But, lets get down to answering the blunt realities.
So, just what do strippers want? Fuck, man, what does
everybody want in this world?
Moneyokay? They want your fucking money.
Money, of course, first and foremost, is always the key
in any commercial operation. But unlike most legitimate
business concerns, the stripper more harkens back to the
days of the flim-flam men and the traveling carnivals than
your corner grocer. There is a hell of a lot more of P.T.
13
Barnum in their blood than Henry Ford or Joseph
Kennedy.
Now, I can hear you shouting out there, but Gary, both
Ford and Kennedy were miserable crooks who worked the
poor slobs under them to death. They were a pair of
robber barons, just cutthroat pirates who robbed and
looted wherever they could. And all I can say in return is,
thats right. They were and they did. But, even Ford and
Kennedy had ethics compared to Barnum. No trick was
beneath Barnum in his quest for other peoples money
with which to line his pockets.
P.T. Barnum was such a twisted thief, Ill tell you how
bad he was. This dude glued the top half of a monkey and
the bottom half of a fish together and charged people to
see it, calling it a mermaid. He got away with that little
shenanigan and a lot more. How, you ask? Because he was
brazen about it. He decided all people were chumps to be
taken for all theyre worth. He is, after all, the man who
coined the phrase about suckers, claiming that, Theres
one born every minute.
And, let me tell you boys right here and now, ol P.T.
Barnum, in the moment he said those words, he gave
strippers the motto they would live by ever after. Let me
14
give you just one example to try and make my point.
By far, the most famous stripper this sad world of ours
has ever known was Gypsy Rose Lee. She turned the
shabby details of her hideous family life into a musical, and
herself into a beloved celebrity. Years past her prime, she
was a favorite guest of the afternoon talk show circuit. She
modeled her public persona on the classic image of the
whore with a heart of gold, and she made a mint doing
it.
Indeed, she made several mints over the decades. As far
as most people are concerned, the fortune she made simply
taking her clothing off would have been enough. Especially
considering that Lee was the woman responsible for the
gentrifying of the stripper arts. Until her time, strippers
were considered low class sluts who took their clothes off
in smokey gin joints. They were lumped in with prostitutes
and drug dealers in the minds of the general public.
Gypsy Rose Lee was the first stripper to not strip on
stage and make a success of it here in America. Borrowing
a technique from the French theatre, she created the now
notorious fan dances which made her famous. These were
what is called tease dances, routines wherein the dancer
actually shows the audience none of her goodies, and yet
15
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instead of disappointing them, leaves them begging for
more.
After she came up with that trick, well, ol Gypsy was a
celebrity. From then on she did everything she could to
drag herself all the way to the top of the heap, up to
national and even worldwide stardom. She did this
through all sorts of ventures, including, believe it or not,
that of novelist. Thats right. No ordinary two-bit whore is
Ms. Gypsy Rose Lee. Why, shes a mystery writer, and a
good one, too.
Or at least, thats what the public was told. In 1941,
The G String Murders was released, a murder mystery
supposedly written by Lee. And, this was no junk book put
out by some low-life publisher. No, this book was released
by Simon & Schuster. That means it has to be realright?
Not really. The book was actually written by one of the
more prolific mystery writers of the day, Craig Rice.
Now, yes of course, Mr. Rice most likely received a crap
load more to write this book and put her name on it than
he ever did for any of the ones he wrote that he got to put
his own name on. So, you ask, if he got paid handsomely,
whats the harm? So the stripper got to pretend she was a
writer. So what? Dont celebrities do stuff like that all the
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time? Jezzus, whats the big deal?
The problem here is two fold. First off, every time any
celebrity puts their name on something and passes it off on
their own, they are stealing from those who buy the
product. People werent buying The G String Murders in
the tremendous numbers that they were because it was the
greatest mystery novel of all time. Not hardly. No, they
bought it because they heard that that stripper chick wrote
a good book and they just had to see it for themselves.
It was a lie, you see. She told a lie and the suckers
forked over their dough so they could take their turns one
after another lapping that lie up as fast as they could.
The second half of whats wrong with this is far more
insidious, however. You see, if someone does something
you didnt think they could do, you automatically have to
extend them more respect. The stripper writes a book. The
book is good. And peoples minds start to whir:
Gee, she must be smarter than I thought. In fact, since
I cant write a book, she must be smarter than me.
Now, put it all together. Take all the components of
Gypsy Rose Lees career together and what do we have? A
stripper from a broken home, a woman from the worst
part of society escapes her abusive family by presenting
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herself as everything she is not. And, how does she rise to
fame?
By not delivering the goods.
What am I talking about, you ask? Hey, just take a little
look at the facts, will you. As soon as this chick got herself
established on the stage, she begins to become far more
famous for not taking her clothes off. She then gets even
richer selling the rubes a book she didnt write. Finally, she
spends the rest of her life as a celebrity, going from one
gala social function to another, raking it in from radio and
television appearances, presenting herself as a wonderful
person, presenting the entire world of stripping as
harmless entertainment, presenting strippers as clever,
kindly, warm-hearted people who you would just love
having as a next door neighbor.
This is the way strippers all operate. Granted, Lee was
the queen of their grasping heap, raking it in on an
international level, but the whole miserable bunch of them
take their cues from her. The rules are simple: every man is
a sucker. Never give a one of them an even break. Take
them for all you can while giving them as little as possible
in return.
Yeah, Gypsy Rose Lee set the bar high, but the strippers
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that have followed in her wake learned their lessons well.
The hundreds of thousands of ruined men theyve left
strewn across the wasteland attest to that. And the worst
part of it all is, these women not only feel no shame for
any of the lives they destroy, they delight in them.
Now, over the years Ive got to say I have dated a lot of
strippers. But, on top of the pure fun of matching wits
with them, Ive also gone out and interviewed as many of
them as I could for this book, and Im telling you right
now, gang, you simply wont believe what theyre actually
willing to admit about what they do and how they do it.
Believe it or not (and trust me, I suggest you believe it,
because they certainly seem to), every single one of the
women I interviewed, not a few or half or even three-
quarters, but every single one of them felt that men were
as a sexall lonely and frightened, people desperate for
the chance to buy themselves an actual ego.
They believed that their clients were, more often than
not, men who could feel sexually satisfied simply by, and
quite often only by, the spending of money. And, what
surprised me, and should also surprise all of you, was that
this money was usually not spent on sex but in a thousand
other ways dictated by the dancers themselves.
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The strip girls I talked during these interviews were
happy to proclaim themselves complete and thorough
experts in the art of making their patrons feel as if they
were in total control while they were actually being
dangled at arms length by the strippers they were so
desperate to possess. It seems that once any stripper finds a
suitable target, all of their efforts are then spent making the
man feel that he is merely one step away from being the
love of their life. Thats when if only enters the scene, and
the money drain begins.
If only this guy could prove himself, if only she could
be sure about him, if only there was only some way he
could show her he really loved her, if only there was
enough money for him to make her comfortable enough ...
A thousand different strategies were described during
these interviews, but no matter who the woman might be,
all of them ended with the same desired resultthe
complete and total financial ruin of their victim. Like the
Barnums they are, like any other con artist working the
marks of this world, the strippers prowling todays club
culture delight in not merely taking down a sucker, but in
taking him for every last fucking nickel until he is utterly
finishedcompletely ruined.
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Get used to it, matey. The minds of the dancers I
picked to study for this book were truthfully some sad and
bitter landscapes. Im telling you, boys, these are desperate,
angry women, at war with men in general and themselves
in particular. The clubs they use as their bases are acrid,
feral outposts. They might be hiding behind masks of
modern respectability, but so do a lot of evils these days.
Homosexuals are all the rage, dont you know? Men
who like to fuck pre-pubescent boys up the ass are so
respectable they have their own club. It has parades and
newsletters and everything. Oh yeah, the world is adrench
with respectability these days. All the same, Id still be
careful which toilet seat I sat down on if I were you.
Worse yet, as far as were concerned, to those few in the
public spotlight who do care about what happens to men
these days, it is the clubs that appear to be the problem. It
is the clubs that are luring men inside, it is the clubs that
are victimizing the poor girls who work there. After all,
everyone knows that these are honorable, dignified women
who would do anything else if they werent trapped in such
a horrible life. Trapped by the evil clubs and the gangsters
that run them.
Yakyakyakyak
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Guys, honestly, let me get it across to you right fucking
now that absolutely nothing could be further from the
truth. Indeed, these clubs do use their stripers to gather
customers for their purposes and, yes, the profits are
extremely good. But for the most part, the club owners are
the same kind of middle managers and accountants that
run most businesses. The poor, abused dancers are the
true sharks of this story, and these great whites will run
you down, chew you up and spit you out before you can
get your fucking sights set straight.
Now, again I say, I understand that this must all sound as
if I am telling you, as King Arthur ordered in Monty Python
& the Holy Grail, to run away, run away. And, you know,
for a hell of a lot of you, perhaps thats exactly what Im
saying. I will say this to you allyes, it is possible to date
strippers and get what you want and keep what you have.
This is a true statement. I know its true because Im its
living proof. But, what I can accomplish with women is not
what every man can accomplish.
And, this is not an insult. Hey, I cant change the spark
plugs in my car. Ill bet a lot of you guys can. I cant wash a
window properly. No matter how hard I try I always leave
streaks. I dont know why.
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We all have things were good at and things we cant get
the hang of. For me, getting laid, by any chick I want, at
any time, in any way, et cetera, has always been a breeze. I
took a few knocks along the way, but by and large getting
my chain pulled is easier for me than just about anything.
So, what Im saying here is, if you want the information
on how to make strippers jump through your hoops
instead of visa versa, youve come to the right teacher.
Remember, Im not recommending you run right out and
try to form a meaningful relationship with Gypsy Rose
Lees great granddaughter after reading another twenty
pages of so. But, those of you who read this whole book,
and who study it, should have as good a shot as any man in
conquering that greatest of sexual Everests, getting a
stripper to be your personal whore.
To this end, I have filled this book with all the
strategies strippers use for fleecing their victims. Chapter
by chapter, their psychological attacks will be revealed,
their stories recorded, their ways of destroying their prey
will be laid out in all their gory details. By the time you
reach the end of this book, I will have shown you exactly
how these women work alone, in partnerships and even in
teams to lure their victims to their financial doom. I will
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reveal how they will run strings of five to ten men at a
time, how they will do anything to make a man feel as if he
is a real man, not through sex, of course, but through
being a protector.
Im going to cover all their cons so youll be ready for
everything. Im going to tell you about their fictitious
dysfunctional families, the expensive emergencies that only
your generosity can take care of, the sudden diseases, and
all the other fucking whores tricks they use to make their
targets feel they are knights in shining armor.
In this modern era of business-suited, serious shoed,
correct hair-doed working world-women, in this time of
political correctness and strident feminism, it is easy to see
how women who coo and smile, who take off their clothes
and whisper in breathless voices, who do not compete, who
hang of a mans every word, can succeed like no regular
woman can.
And hey, lets face it, guys, these days, there are a hell of
a lot oftoo many, reallymen who feel trapped, unsure
of how to approach women; who are just simply tired of
having to compete on all levels. A woman who seems to
ask for nothing, who only wants to please, who devotes all
her energy into focusing on her special guy ... a woman
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like this has triumphed before anyone knows the battle has
started.
Im telling you right now, men, I am going to give you
the completely raw, sordid and in many ways totally
unbelievable world of the strip clubs, of the men it ruins
and the families it destroys.
As soon as you guys are ready, turn the page, and well
get started on your tour of the most fucked up wonderland
anyone ever could have thought up.
And remember ...
You were warned.
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CHAP T E R T WO
So, Why Do Strippers
Want Your Cash?
So, Gary, what is it that makes you think that strippers are
so greedy? Is it really greed? I mean, arent these women
mistreated by the club owners? Isnt this a terrible life?
Arent a lot of them kept hooked on drugs by the gangsters
in charge of the clubs? Arent they all really just trapped?
Arent they all just really waiting for someone to rescue
them from this terrible life that fate has somehow led them
to? Wouldnt they all rather be in college, or working as a
dental technician, or a court stenographer?
I mean, really Gary, arent you being too harsh on these
poor women, who after all, are just victims?
Man, if I actually heard one of you spout that kind of
27
politically correct bullshit, I would just have to go all kinds
of Moe Howard on your Larry-shaped head and slap you
until you were fucking silly. What a load of crap. These
women are victims the way the asswipes who flew those
fucking jets into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon
were victims of their religion. Those shitheels knew exactly
what they were doing, okay? They knew exactly what they
were doing.
And so do the bitches were talking about.
Ill say it againthese barracudas know exactly what
they are doing. And, brother, youd better know exactly
what youre doing if youre going to try and date one.
Believe me.
But, lets get back to the question. Why do these
women want your cash? Perhaps because theyre poor.
Could that be it? I mean, they are working under horrible
conditions, why, its almost like slavery, isnt it?
Oh, those poor, poor darlings, I mean, those virginal
saints, forced to work in those horrible places, doing those
terrible things, and their managers or bosses or pimps or
whatever these modern slave owners are called probably
take 90% of what they make, oh my God, Gary, I mean, oh
my God, no wonder these poor, degraded women are so
28
desperate that theyll do anything to get their hands on
more dough.
I swear, if any of you said anything like that, a Larry-
slapping isnt good enough for you. Fuck, Im going to
have to go Shemp on your ass.
Get it through your head right now, these women do
not need your money. They have plenty of their own. Ten
times plenty. Now grab your calculator and try to follow
along with me while we do a little math.
The day of getting attention out of a stripper or lap
dancer or whatever with a one dollar bill is over. That went
out with mood rings, vinyl records and phones with dials.
These bitches get a ten or a twenty just for a flashed look at
their breasts or a one minute lap dance. Now press that up
for the slower members of the audience, would you?
Lets say the average girl is getting in forty-five of those
shots an hour. Believe me, thats pretty conservative.
Anyway, forty five times fifteen (again, lets be conservative
[its good enough for George W. Bush, it oughta be good
enough for us]) is what?
Six hundred and seventy five dollarsthats how much
it fucking comes to.
Tell me, Spanky, whens the last time your hourly pay
29
30
rate came in close to seven hundred an hour? And lets not
forget one real important fact here. That six seventy five is
coming to them in cash. You understand that? Theyre
getting that clear, above board, no taxes.
Now, back to our calculus lessonlets say our poor
darlings dont want to wear themselves out. Lets only make
them work four hours a night. Okaythats not too bad, is
it? So, what the fuck would that come to?
Four times seven seventy five, that comes to a total of
two thousand and seven hundred camel-humping dollars!
Do you get that? Can you comprehend that much
money? For one days work? For just four fucking hours of
work?! Can you even wrap your brain around that kind of
return? Well, brace yourself, because if we take this further
and say our little missy decides to work four days a week,
you know what her goddamned weekly rate of return is
going to be?
Ten thousand and eight hundred dollars!
Yeah, you heard me. And if they work forty-six weeks
out of the year, only taking a mere six weeks vacation for
themselves, what does that come to? Brace yourselves,
citizens, because any of these poor, deprived, desperate
modern slaves that bother to work four hours a day, four
days a week, taking a month and a half vacation time for
themselves, theyre going to pull in a measly four hundred
and ninety six thousand and eight hundred dollars for
their trouble!
Thats just a shade under a half a fucking million
dollars a year. And if the fucking bitches worked an extra
week, only taking five weeks vacation a year, theyd make
more than a half a fucking million dollars a year!
So, get it out of your heads that these babes are
desperate for money. Oh, they might be desperate for cash,
but not for any reason you were ever desperate for a couple
of extra bucks. No, these creatures are just the greediest
women on Earth. Theyve got a mad on against men and
delight in sucking them dry and pretending to be put upon
single moms who cant meet the rent and who have to
support their invalid mother who needs an operation
blahblahblahblah, is their way to do it.
Indeed, if you look at the figures, these hell witches
could simply work eight hour days and rake in the cash
like no ones business. Getting gifts and loans and favors
from dopes too stupid to hang onto their mortgage and car
payments because some skank bats her fake eyelashes at
him and says, Oh please, cant bring in the same amount
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hour for hour that their club work brings them.
Mathematically, it doesnt add up.
So, why do these gals bother with marks at all? Why
dont they just dance eight hours a day for their four days a
week and take two weeks vacation and settle for earning
the one million three hundred and sixty eight thousand in
cold cash (dont forget that little detail!) they would make?
Why? Ill tell you.
Because to these malicious, twisted bitches, its simply
just too much fun breaking guys backs and then leaving
them to die in the fucking gutter.
Thats why.
Now, trying to be fair, and to not beat on the
wonderful world of strippers too severely, lets admit a few
things here. Sure, these dames love to get stuff out of men
without having to give anything in return. They adore this.
But hey, I mean, dont we all? Seriously, dont you love
finding a quarter in the coin return of the phone or Pepsi
machine or whatever? It isnt a lot of money, hell, its
practically nothing. But it was free. And man, lets face it,
free makes all the difference. Doesnt it? Youre fucking A-
Right it does.
Getting too much change back, finding twenty-two
32
McNuggets in your twenty pack, spotting that loose dollar
on the sidewalk, we all love these moments. Getting over
by only a few fucking pennies can brighten most of our
days, if only for a few moments. Lets face itits true.
Well, imagine getting your apartment paid for by
someone else for free. Imagine not living in some dump,
but having someone paying for a luxury condo for you,
and all you had to do was say thank you, and pretend to
be grateful.
Or worseimagine that youve got four or five
guys paying for the same place, that you are letting one of
them actually pay the bill and youre pocketing the rest,
and all you have to do is tell all four or five of these bozos
thank you, and pretend to be grateful.
Now imagine that these four or five chumps, and
twenty or thirty other clown school graduates are giving
you jewelry and fancy dinners, new clothing and furniture,
vacations, jet liner tickets, carswhatever you fucking ask
forjust because you ask. How on-top-of-the-
goddamned-world would you feel then? Yeah, youd feel
pretty fucking on top of things all right, and you damn
well know it.
So, lets review.
33
Strippers arent oppressed. They arent drug slaves
anyone has to feel sorry for.
No one is forcing any stripper to do what they do. They
do it because the money is good and the opportunities for
making men dance and look like chumps are enormous.
Strippers are consummate business professionals who
can make a half million dollars a year without hardly
putting forth any effort at all.
Strippers do what they do because they can.
Now, what do I mean by that? As always, I shall
explain. Not all women can be strippers. A club gal has to
be sexy. She has to be thin and she has to be good looking.
They dont have to be goddesses or super models or
starlets. They just have to have average good looks and a
good-enough body. And, they have to at least appear to be
young.
Part of where their resentment comes in from is the
fact that none of those things listed above last forever.
Especially that young part. Now, its not your fault or mine
that these chicks are going to get old. Thats life. But its
part of what they hold against us. Ill explain this, too.
First off, resentment against men gets a lot of women
into stripping. Here we have a good looking high school
34
chick. She gets hit on by every mook in the school, and
maybe even from other schools. Hell, these days, maybe
even by a teacher or two (and not all of them males). As
she walks home all sorts of men stare at her. This can get
to a gal.
Now, Im not saying men shouldnt look at women. A
pretty girl doesnt want to be stared at, she just has to dress
down, go easy on the make-up, curb the swivel in her walk,
et cetera. Theres nothing more irritating than having some
super hot chick in a mini skirt and a too little T-shirt start
bitching about some guy staring at her. Whats he supposed
to look at when youve got yourself dolled up like a million
bucks, sending erotic electricity out through every pore?
Too bad you got dressed up for someone else. Youre gonna
walk the public streets and not put a raincoat over your
bootie, then fucking get ready to meet the public.
A woman has to have an ego just like a man. A truly
sexy, confident woman laughs at the assholes who are out
of her league and sends them on their way. Resentment
comes in to the picture when a woman feels the only thing
she has to offer is those good looks of hers. Because, as we
said, time is going to take those looks away. A dame who is
good looking, but who thinks no one is ever going to like
35
her or pay any attention to her, et cetera, if she ever lost her
looks, is in big fucking trouble. They cant help but get
resentful. It doesnt mean they have a right to feel that way,
but too latethey do.
You see this behavior all the time. Good looking high
school and college bitches, those gals at work who are
plenty attractive, but who dont think that anyone can see
past their looks to anything else, are always the pieces of
ass who put everyone through the wringer. These are your
cock teases, the dames who have to be constantly
complemented, and constantly reassured, but who never
give out with anything because to fuck a guy, or blow him,
or even come across with a hand job or even some tit
action is to lose the game in their minds.
You know these gals. You can take them out, but touch
them and youre some kind of animal. They tease you into
doing something, making some kind of move, then when
you do, they act as shocked as the Mayor of Hiroshima
when he asked his wife what that bright light was outside.
And, of course, thats when they demand some sort of gift
or favor or some kind of stroking so you can get back into
their good graces after your terrible behavior.
Well, strippers are the queens supreme of this kind of
36
37
terror attack. They dont need your money, they just want
it. They want it because they hate all men. Men who stare
at them. Men who drool over them and tell them theyre
beautiful. Men who wont give a fuck about them when
their tits begin to sag and they arent worth paying twenty
dollars a minute to rub their asses against our fully clothed
crotches.
Yeah, its our fucking fault.
And, now that you know why they do it, turn the
page and Ill tell you how they do it.
CHAP T E R T HR E E
How Your Cash
Becomes Their Cash
So, Gary, you ask, just how do they do it? How do these
erotic dancers, these barely literate naked gutter trash
beggars, how do these low-life women trick the smartest
and richest men in our societylawyers and doctors,
CEOs and vice-presidents, congress men and governors
and all the rest of their marks out of their cash? And, not
just their pocket cash, but their investment portfolios, their
childrens college funds, their retirement accounts
everything they have?
I mean, you say (and by now probably a lot of you
are saying it fairly loud), comon, Brodskyyou have
simply got to be pulling our collective chains here. These
39
women are mostly high school drop outs. For Christ sake,
these whores are all stupid slutshell, theyre practically
retards. Theyre the absolute bottom of the barrel, the
lowest rung on the food chain. And youre making them
sound like characters out of Mission: Impossible. Just who
are you trying to kid?
I dont get mad when I hear talk like this. I really dont.
First off, you simply cant take ignorance personally. Also, if
these chicks hadnt worked hard to set up their collective
disguise, they wouldnt be able to do what they do and get
away with it so easily. But, they did and they do. Couple
their smarts with just how stupid a guy can be when he
stops thinking like Einstein and starts thinking like John
the Wad, and its sometimes surprising they dont try to
take over the world like some kind of super villains.
First off, lets get this goddamned debate out of the way
right here and now once and for all. Anyone who reads the
papers or listens to the news these days will have to admit
that theyve come across more than a few stories where
some miserable whore has cleaned out an honest,
upstanding citizen. Sure, the skank-kateers loot their share
of trailer trash victims, but only for practice. Remember,
these are women with all the money they want. You have to
40
keep in mind that they dont have to shake men down.
Theyre rich enough already.
As I told you before, these women do this for a number
of reasons. They do it because its fun for them. They do it
for revenge. They do it because they are fucked in the head
and just enjoy destroying the kind of lives they can never
have. Dont believe me?
Think about this for a moment.
Why does a high school bully need to go around
beating up on nerds? Slow down and really think about
this one for a moment, will you. Why does a buff, six foot
three star athlete pick on and torment a five foot five, two
hundred pound butter ball with thick glasses and a pocket
protector filled with pens, magic markers and a couple
Magic the Gathering cards? Because he wants to steal this
guys girl? Because he can prove what a man he is by
trashing such a pathetic sap?
Of course not.
The sad truth is that bullies pick on nerds mainly out
of jealousy and hatred. In the back of his muscle-bound
mind, the high school bully sees his best days slipping
behind him forever when he leaves school. These helpless
mooks know theyre going to end up hanging drywall for a
41
living, pumping gas, or asking folks if they want some
fucking fries with that. They know that the nerd is going to
end up with a sweet, comfortable job somewhere. They are
not really angry with the nerd for studying and making
something of themselves; they are mad at themselves for
wasting their life and accomplishing nothing.
Well, the same goes for strippers.
These women think theyve made a bright move. They
take off their clothes, sit in guys laps, show off their tits, et
cetera, and make millions. Millions. Who wouldnt want
such a job? Who would be stupid enough to pass such a
life by? At first, these chicks think theyre the smartest
women on the face of the planet.
Riches pile up all around them and they dont need a
degree, they dont have to think hard, make decisions,
punch a clock or pay taxes. All they have to do is wiggle
their ass. What a racketright?
Well, yes and no.
What starts to dawn on these women in the back of
their minds is that, oh yes, they might have all the money
theyll ever need, but they will never have what most other
women haverespectability. They see men at their worst,
acting like fools and dogs, throwing their money away and
42
their familys money away. Their conscious mind sees men
as the worst kind of dogs, because thats the evidence in
front of them. But, their subconscious mind knows better.
In the back of their minds, they know there are men in
this world who will never come into their clubs. Indeed,
they know that the grand majority of all men will never set
foot within a strip club more than a few times in their
livesas kids as an experiment, maybe for a bachelor
party, dragged in by a wild and crazy friend, et cetera.
These are the men who make strippers crazy. The men
who wash their car every weekend, take their kids camping,
help with the dishes, work their jobs steadily over the years,
buy their wives flowers on Mothers Day, mow the lawn on
schedule every Sunday afternoon, and so on.
Like the high school bully, what seemed like a good
idea at first slowly becomes an anchor around their
necksone that pulls at them more heavily with every
step. As time goes on, these women realize that they are
doomedthat their life is never going to changethey
will never have a home in a nice neighborhood where their
neighbors like them. They will never have decent children,
or a good man to love them.
Strippers are much like two bit gangsters telling you
43
whats so wonderful about lying to people and getting away
with it. They laugh at middle class respectability, swearing
they will spit on it any time they come across it, all the
time craving it the way King Midas did gold or the way Bill
Clinton does any vagina he isnt married to (cigars
included).
It doesnt take long for these entertainers to become
full-fledged, dyed-in-the-wool man haters, who will break
any man they can get their hooks into just to keep proving
to themselves that its okay to be a stripper. Their reasoning
is simplistic, but it works for what they want.
Why not take some shlubs money, they think. Why
not? After all, all men are worthless slugs. All men are
fucking pigs. Dont believe me? Just watchIll have this
guys bank account before the end of the week.
And another poor fool bites the dust just because he
wanted to see some tits.
Okay, you say, we believe you, Gary. Fuck, we believe
you, manevery word of it. Yesthese women are evil
predator vampires from hell. All right, case closed. You
win. But comon, Gary, you said you were going to tell us
how they do this. Wellhow do they do it?
Good question.
44
I guess I should answer it.
The main weapon these women have in their arsenal is
your good nature. Men like to be nice guys. They like to
protect women, not abuse them. Most men have only been
exposed to nice women. For most of us, Mom was a
sweetheart. I know this isnt the way any of us like to think,
but face it, Bosco, we have to. For a lot of years in the
beginning, Mom is the only woman we know. Mom and
our sisters. And, any guy who has a sister will back me up
on this one, sisters dont count.
No, until we get to school and have teachers, Mom is
the yardstick against which all other women must be
measured. In school, we meet female teachers. We also have
aunts and cousins to teach us what women are like. As we
get older we start getting interested in girls. We meet them
in school. We meet them at whatever religious services our
parents drag us off to. Later on we meet them at college
and at work.
But, unless we work in a strip club or a massage parlor
or something worse, for the most part what we meet is
good girls. Decent girls. Oh, there might be a wild one in
there somewhere, some slut headed for a life in a white
plastic miniskirt, standing on 8th Avenue walking up to
45
cars when the light turns red to see if anyone wants a date,
but for the most part, we meet decent, wholesome girls.
And that is the flaw in our experience that strippers turn
against us.
Remember, these women dont go after a guy telling
them that theyre tough as nails and that theyre going to
chew this boob up and spit him out. What sense would
that make? No, what these women do is far more insidious.
They live the lie every guy wants to believe. They pretend
to be decent.
Weve all heard the old clich about how every guy in
prison is innocent. The way it always comes across, no one
who ever got sent to do a few years in some man cage
somewhere ever got sent there without being framed. Just
ask anyone in prison. Well, strippers are the same way.
Ask them and theyll tell you their whole, sad story.
Gosh, Bongo, hadnt you heard? Why, all of them, theyre
only there stripping for the noblest of reasons. Oh, daddy
got sick and I have to support my mother and little
brother. Oh, daddy ran off and I have to support my
mother whos an invalid. Oh, mama died and daddy lost
his mind to grief when she did and I have to support him
and my little sister and brother. Oh, mama and daddy died
46
in a car crash and I have to keep the family orphanage
running ... blahblahblahblah ...
There are two reasons for this. First off, men are
suckers. We love to protect women. In this modern day and
age, with no dragons left to slay, with the politically correct
atmosphere poisoning relationships between men and
women everywhere, theres something extremely attractive
about a beautiful girl who cries her eyes out on your
shoulder, weak and vulnerable and not bitching about her
rights, but begging you to keep her safe from the big, bad
cruel ol world.
Second, they know the kind of women we all want
deep down inside. Now sure, most of us, well still lose a
few hundred to their games even if we know theyre
thieving whores. Why not? Its just a calculated gamble. Its
a toss of the dice, throwing money away so we hopefully
can brag for the rest of our days that we fucked a whore for
free. But, after a while, the game gets pretty sour pretty
fast. When you know some chick has all the inner beauty
of a fucking concentration camp director, the urge to
shelter her from the world starts to not only dry up, but to
smell pretty odious.
But, when shes all dewy-eyed and suffering ... oh, thats
47
different, isnt it? When shes all sobs and sniffles, with a
hard luck story and a soft cooing voice, when suddenly
shes shy and seeming all vulnerable, thats when the sap in
mens brains starts to run faster it does in the trees of
Vermont during maple syrup season.
In other words, the way strippers get your cash out of
you is the same way any fucking con artist thief gets your
cash out of you. They lie. They pretend to be something
you can trust, and then they suck you dry.
Oh yes, I take off my clothes, but only because I dont
have any other way to feed my baby.
Oh, I was working my way through dental technician
school, but I met a guy who told me he loved me. I loaned
him my tuition money and he stole it. My parents
disowned me. I was on my own, I lost my apartment, I, I ...
I didnt know what else to do. I had to start stripping just
to stay alive ...
I had debts to pay off, and the people I owed the
money to, they said I could work here to pay it off. But,
they take almost everything I earn for interest, and its like
I can never save anything or get ahead. If only I could get
enough money together to just get away from this life ...
There are a thousand different stories, and a thousand
48
different variations on each one. What the exact tale is
doesnt matter. What matters is that they are all bullshit.
Once one of these sharks decides to drag you under, she
will tell you anything. Catch her in a lie, and shell admit it,
saying she was just trying to avoid telling you the truth,
which will turn out to be an even bigger lie.
The thing to remember is that they will tell you
anything to get what they want. And, just to review what
weve covered so farwhat is it they want?
Your cashright.
And, why do they want it?
Because even though they have more cash than most of
us will ever see, they hate decent society and themselves for
having barred themselves from it. They ruin men and their
families simply for the pleasure.
And, how do they do it?
They lie. They present themselves as soft, vulnerable,
delicate creatures who need protecting (along with the love
of a good man) to make everything better. They size their
mark up within a handful of seconds, figure out what kind
of woman hes a sap for deep down inside, and they
become that woman.
And please, understand the truly vicious part of this
49
ploy. A stripper who has you pegged as her next victim, she
doesnt start acting like just any decent woman, they
become your particular fantasy girl. The girl who broke
your heart, the one you were always too shy to ask out,
your best friends gal who you want to fuck so bad you can
taste it, your tenth grade English teacher, the one who was
hot, whatever, they become that ideal woman you
always wantedand heres the important partwhile
taking their clothes off in front of you.
So, do you finally get it, Oswald? Can you see the way
the plan works, or do we have to call in a topographer to
read the fucking map for you?
They figure out the kind of woman youve always
desired, the most unobtainable woman from your past,
and then they transform themselves into her right in front
of you, while showing you their tits, or grinding their ass
into your lap, throwing their clothing at you, whatever.
And, Ghandi, all your pea-sized brain knows at that point
is that the girl you always wanted (or something close
enough to make you feel just as good) is there in front of
you acting the way you always wanted her to.
Do you get it now?
This is how they get their hooks into guys. They
50
51
present themselves as exactly the girl the poor son-of-a-
bitch has been looking for all his life.
Oh my sweet Jesus H. Christ, shes just what Ive always
been looking for, and shes fucking hot, too. I always
wanted that girl next door who went off with that fucking
jock, and now, heres someone just as sweet and wonderful
as she ever was, and shes an ultra sexy stripper, too. Man
oh man, how lucky can a guy get in one life time?
Oh yeah, youre lucky all right, you fucking
knucklehead. Youre gonna be lucky if she leaves you with
fucking bus fare to get home with.
CHAP T E R F OUR
A Note On Stripper Mentality
All right, all right, I hear you starting to complain, and
youre absolutely, one hundred percent right. I have to
admit that its time to start turning the tables here a little
bit. After all, the name of this book is How To Pick Up
Strippers, not How to Be Afraid of Naked Ladies. And, so
faronly in your best interests, of courseweve been
spending what seems like a hell of a lot of time discussing
just how mean and tough and formidable these fucking
chicks are.
So, with that thought firmly in your minds now (you
do have the idea firmly lodged in a safe place in your
hearts by this point that these are mean, tough, formidable
chicks and not a bunch of Bo Peeps and Little Red Riding
Hoodscorrect?), maybe it finally is time for me to start
53
educating you fine fellows in how to con the con artists.
What do you think?
Yeah, thats what I thought youd think.
Okaywell, the first thing we have to do then is begin
to realize exactly what a strip club is. That is to say, what it
is psychologically, and just how it affects us and our
judgment. We also need to look at just what strippers are
and how they affect our judgment in relationship to the
clubs they prowl. And then, believe it or not, we need to
take a close look at how a strip club affects the goddamned
strippers judgment as well.
Really? Is that important, Gary? Oh yeah, just wait until
I clue you to how that works.
All right, lets get down to business here. First off, how
do these strip clubs affect our basic judgment? Well, right
off the bat, theyre dark and mysterious. The light of truth
and God and all that crap is no where to be seen. We are
on our own, in the dark. We can do what we want. The
music is constantly drumming and always erotic. Another
big change from our normal everyday lives. I mean, your
job isnt anything like this, is it? No, I didnt think so.
Theyre also places where you can get all the fine things
you want. You can still smoke in most strip clubs. The food
54
is usually the kind that all guys like. The bar is always
exceedingly well stocked. And, there are scores of pretty,
naked girls just dying to make you drinks, bring you food,
hell, theyll cut your meat and feed you and pour the
drinks down your throat for you if thats what you want.
You might not think any of this is important, but you
have to stop and think about this for a moment. Trust me
on this next bit of advise, if you never trusted me on
anything beforeno matter what situation you are in, you
had better always think about what youre doing before
you do it. And you had better believe that applies to going
to strip clubs.
Think for a moment.
Really think.
Exactly what is a strip club? What is it there for? Now,
if you think the answer is, to give you pleasure, to make
certain you have a place to go to have fun, or that the
answer has anything about you and what you want, all I
can say is, you are one big sucker just waiting for some
bitch to come along and tongue your sugar down to
nothing.
A strip club is a place designed, built and operated to
make money. Period. Plain and simple. Specifically, it was
55
designed, built and operated to separate you from your
money. As much of it as possible. Any way possible.
These places prey on guys. Do you get it? You walk into
a strip club, and no matter who you are, what you look
like, how you dress, what job you have, what kind of car
you drive, how cool your haircut is, et cetera, no fucking
matter what, once youre inside the doors, if you have
money, youre the king. All right? Understand? Youre a
fucking god. A god among men down from heaven to get
his ashes hauled in any way he wants them hauled at
whatever temperature he chooses.
Endless good timesoh yeah. As long, of course, as we
said, as you have money.
You walk through the doors of a strip club, and all the
women you see are beautiful. There are all types of gals in
these places, blondes and redheads and brunettes, whites
and blacks and Asians, chicks with big butts and small
ones, perky boobs and pear shaped ones, long legs, hard
asses, giant tits, long hair, blue eyes, brown eyes, green eyes,
short hair, spiked hair, bald chicksall types. Okay? Every
fucking type the club owners can get their hands on. As
many as they can.
Hell, more than a few of the clubs in Vegas, for
56
instance, have thousands of girls on call.
Thousands.
Can you actually wrap your mind around that concept?
Okay, well I guess that you guys who live in Vegas can, but
for the rest of the country, just think about that for a
moment. A building standing there, with thousands of
naked women in it waiting to please any slob that comes
through the door. Fuck, thats a lot of lap dancers lining up
just to please little old Tom, Dick or Harry. And, line up
they do. If you have the cash, welcome to the throne, your
majesty. Let me polish your crown.
And these goddamned bitches will do absolutely
anything for you that you want. So, in you come, out of the
world of light and reality and harshness, into the soothing,
disguising dark, into a world of fantasy and ecstasy, where
every woman is beautiful, and every one of them cant wait
to get her hands on your chest, on your manly shoulders,
on your powerful, throbbing penis, the biggest theyve ever
felt, oh god, the power of it, oh god, the magnificence, oh,
oh ...
Yeah, until youre down to your last nickel, that is.
Then, well then, Franklin, theyll take that last nickel, turn
you upside down to see if anything else falls out, then spit
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in your face and have you thrown on you ass out in the
street, back where all that harsh light and reality was, while
they move on to their next targets big shoulders and
throbbing, ever so wonderful money ... er, I mean penis.
Now, dont go getting harsh on me or start crying your
eyes out. Yeah, big bad me, Im ruining the wonderful joy
of the strip club experience for you. Okay, surethats
true. But, its also true that one ruins the joy of looking
into the pretty flames on the stove for a child by explaining
the concepts of third degree burns to them. Sure, the
fucking fire is pretty, son, but if you touch it youre going
to burn your damn hand off. Well, thats the strip club for
you. Forget yourself for a moment and its bye bye life
savings.
So, the truth of the matter is now plain for all to see,
the strip club is not there to be your friend. The club is
there to take your moneyplain and simplelike any
other business. This isnt evil on their part. Far from it.
Theyre just providing a service. And, come on now, were
just as glad theyre out there providing that service as we
all that the phone company is working, the gas station, the
bakery and all the other 24/7 joys of being a capitalist in
modern America.
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But, if we make more phone calls that we can afford,
were in trouble. And, the phone company will sell us all
the extras we ask for. If we go for call waiting, and high
speed internet dial up service, and caller ID, et cetera, sure,
theyll tack it all onto our bill without a second thought.
Just like the gas station will sell us enough gasoline to burn
down our home and the bakery will sell us enough cakes
and pies to allow us to eat ourselves to death.
Strip clubs provide a service. Use them wisely, and
theyre the greatest thing going. Be stupid, and theyll be
the death of you. Okaywe all understand this, now
right? We know what these clubs really are to us, and what
they are to the girls. The strippers use these dens as places
to grab onto victims. They prowl them like big jungle cats
stalking game in their territory. The clubs are their webs,
and trust me, theyre the spidersnot the flies.
Okay, so thats what the clubs are to us, I hear you
murmur. But, comon Gary, you said something about the
strip clubs affecting the strippers judgment as well. Okay,
give out with it, man. What was all that shit about?
A man of my word, Ill tell you.
The good thing about the strip club, and the part of its
make-up that actually works for you is that you only go in
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there once in a while. For you, the unreality and fantasy of
the place is a diversion from your real life. For the
strippers, it is their way of life. Do you understand what I
am telling you? Do you get the significance of this
statement?
The strippers are in there all the time. You walk in
there and you see nothing but beautiful girls. You get
suckered by the fantasy of it being a place where all the
beautiful girls live. Well, what is it that they see? What is
the fantasy doing to the strippers themselves?
The thing we have to remember is that these girls only
see the men who go to strip clubs. Guys who dont know
how to handle them. Guys who drool down their backs
while they are giving them lap dances. Guys whose money
is so easy for them to take they begin to believe that all
men are drooling saps.
Do you get it?
These women are stars in their own little world. They
are on stage. It might be a strippers stage where they get
their applauds and cheers for taking off their clothing, but
it goes deeper than that. After all, they cant just stand there
like some frightened kindergarten teacher and take off
their clothes as if they were getting undressed for the
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shower. There has to be some oomph, some pizzazz.
They have to be able to bend and stretch and arch and
make all the right moves.
To the stripper, is isnt the fact that she takes her
clothes off that gets her the applauds, its how she does it.
Its the grace of her performance. Its the artful way she
undoes her straps, its the beauty of how she times her
movements to the accompanying music.
In their heads, in their itty-bitty whore minds, they are
entertainers. Just as men kid themselves when they go into
these places, so do the strippers they go to see. These
women actually see themselves as celebritiesas stars.
Youre dreaming of strippers fighting over you as you shell
out your cash in one of these places. Thats okay, and you
know why? Because the fucking strippers are dreaming of
the day Steven Spielberg comes in and is so happy with his
lap dance that he features the cheap bit of rump that did it
in his next blockbuster.
In other words, the strippers are dreaming just the
same way you are. They have an ego just like you do. They
may seem cool and collected, but theyre building a fantasy
reality on a shore of loose sand in the face of an onrushing
tide of tsunami proportions. And that, my brothers, is the
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key to making your attack.
You want to date strippers? You want them desperate to
prove themselves to you so that youll be willing to spend
some time with them? Its all going to come down to a
battle of wills.
Lets talk about how to win that battle.
CHAP T E R F I VE
Ego Smashing
Theirs/Protecting Yours
The battle of the sexes is really a contest of wills. Always
has been, always will be. Just because you decide to have
your battle with a stripper, that doesnt change this one
iota. All sexual contests come down to naked ego.
And dont think you dont have one, or that they dont
have one, because you do and they dowe all do.
Psychologist Erich Fromm said that Man can be defined
as the animal that can say I, that can be aware of himself
as a separate entity. Thats all it takes to have an ego, and
anyone that cant think of themselves as an individual
enough to use the pronoun I when describing themselves
usually isnt allow to walk around on their own or handle
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sharp objects without supervision.
You have an egookay? And thats all right. Its
normal. Its healthy. The thing is not to have the kind of
ego Benjamin Disraeli had in mind when he said, Talk to
a man about himself and he will listen for hours.
So, with that thought firmly in your minds now, lets
move on. Why do I bring this up? What does it have to do
with anything? Hey, as always, I will explain.
The first is to warn you off from making the big, big,
and incredibly common mistake that so many guys make
with strippers. Yes, I know, this chapter is supposed to be
about teaching you how to attack. And it will. But, first,
lets get your armor in place before we start probing for
weak spots in theirs.
This common mistake is one that a lot of guys make
with women of all types, not just strippers. It is the
exaggerating of the truth about themselves. And comon,
dont act like you dont know what I mean. Youve seen this
behavior in your friends, and somewhere along the line
youve done it yourself to try and impress this chick or
that. It might have been at work, back in college, for a lot
of guys its high schoolwheneverit doesnt matter.
What does matter is that everyone does it sooner or later,
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and its a fucking schmucks move.
And you know what I mean by exaggerating the truth
about yourself. Its telling some stripper that you own a
giant corporation, or that youre the head of a crime
syndicate, an European prince in exile, an Olympic gold
medal winner, the owner of the Golden Gate Bridge, a
fucking space alien ... whatever. What the details of the
fucking lie you tell her are dont matter. Its the lie thats
going to get you into trouble.
Of course, theres some chattering monkey out there
whose going to pipe in with the obvious. Hey, Gary,
whats going on? Are you going soft on us? Arent you the
original 4F guy (Find em, Feel em, Fuck em and Forget
em)? What the shit are you doing worrying about some
slutbags feelings?
And all I can say is, if you think Im worried about any
chicks feelings, go bitch slap yourself with a broken bottle,
you cum-drinking uncle-fucker.
Get with the program, Geronimo. The reason you dont
tell some skank that youre the richest horse breeder on
three continents, or the cousin of Saddam Hussein who got
away with all the embezzled oil money, is then youre going
to be stuck in that lie.
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Will a stripper believe you when you tell her shit like
this? Sure she will. At the least, shes going to pretend
awfully fucking hard that she believes you. Hell, theyll not
only do their best to make you think they believe you,
before you know it, theyll be helping you embellish your
lies. Youll be making them bigger and wilder than ever,
and soon, theyll have you believing your own publicity
releases.
And then, when that happens, at that moment your ass
will really be theirs. Heres how they get you.
Once youve put your foot into your mouthlets go
with the rich CEO story, lets say youve told them some
lame crap about having a yachtany stripper worth her
G-string will immediately start to shift you into a position
where youll be forced to live up to the false image youve
tried to build for yourself. Soon, shes going to want a ride
on this yacht. Shes going to want to go sailing with you.
After all, youre so big and important, and she thought
you liked her, and maybe it was all just a put-on, maybe
you didnt like her at all, you just wanted to use her, make
fun of her, tell stories about her to your rich friends, laugh
at her ... you bastard, you monster, how could you be so
cold, so cruel, so horrible ...
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You sputter, you back-pedal, you panic. You dont want
to lose her. Shes so wonderful and she really believes your
stupid lie and if you tell the truth she wont like you
anymore, so what can you do? Theres no way you can
come up with a yacht, but maybe if you got her a nice
diamond necklace and told her how much you wanted to
take her sailing, but the damn yacht in the shop getting its
barnacles scraped right now, and if shes only please accept
this tiny consolation prize which cost the real you two
months salary just for the down payment but which would
cost your CEO self about ten seconds worth of pay ...
Shell probably pretend to believe you just to get the
bauble which shell throw on top of her heaping collection
of jewelry shes suckered out of liars, making a mental note
of its cost so that the next time you get out of line she can
remind you of what an awfully cheap present you got for
her last time you upset her. Sure, it cost the real you a
bundle, but fake you is then going to have to cough up a
week in Bermuda at a five star hotel (first class airline
tickets, of course), in their best suite to make up for how
cheap that gift was.
So you begin to see the pattern here?
But, you say, what if I really am a CEO? What if I really
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do have a yacht?
My advice, and remember, my advice is worth a
thousand times its weight in platinum, dont tell her
anything about it. Keep that fucking big trap of yours
glued shut. Why? Ill tell you why, Siegfried.
So you have a yacht, so what? This stripper bimbo is
still going to want to ride on it. Then shell want to borrow
it so she and some of her friends can go sailing. Before you
know it, your yacht is a floating brothel, and if the cops
catch on, youre the one who does the time.
Or, she and her friends sell it and claim it was stolen, or
they smash it up during a drunken orgy, or your CEO
buddies take note of the goings on and start blacklisting
you to the rest of the corporate world. The possibilities are
endless.
You never want to tell these women anything concrete
about you. Why would you? What would be the point? The
only reason any guy lies to a woman about himself is to
build himself up so shell do what he wants. He wants a
blow job so he pretends to be something he isnt to get it.
Well, what you have to remember here is, thats a trick
from the outside world. From your normal reality. It
doesnt work in a strip club. The only rule in a club is that
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if you have money, you can have anything you want. If you
dont have money, then you cant have anything. Period.
Remember, its all a business. Thats all strip clubs are.
As I said a minute ago, just like the phone company, gas
station or the bakery. Tell the phone company youre a
CEO, or the guys at the gas station or your local baker. See
what it gets you. The only thing thats going to happen is
that no one is going to cut you any slack in the future
because theyll all figure youre rich.
If you have money, theyll give you phone service,
gasoline or cupcakes, as much as you want. If you have
none, then no amount of stories in the world are going to
get you anything except grief. So, dont tell strippers youre
rich, or anything about you unless you want to have it used
against you. And believe me, it will. These gals will have
you co-signing bank notes for them, buying them cars,
subsidizing their condominiums, et cetera.
But, okay, so now your ego is in check. You know to
protect it. Youre now too smart to blow yourself out of
proportion to any stripper, or even to admit to the truth
about your financial statement no matter how big or small
it is. What the fuck business is it of hers what size your
bank account is? Would you share that information with a
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cocktail waitress, a bank clerk or the receptionist at your
doctors office? Probably not. Well then, if you wouldnt go
being that stupid around average, basically harmless
women, you certainly wouldnt want to start off by being
that stupid with a woman poised to take out your jugular
with one wrong move.
Okay, so youre not going to tell any strippers that
youre rich if youre not, or even if you are. Youre not
telling them anything. Let them guess. Let them build up a
fascination over you on their own. You be the mysterious
one. The interesting one. Youre going to protect your ego
by not exposing it to destruction by ridicule. Now youre
thinking. Now youre on your way.
And, okay, you say, all well and good. But, this is what
Im not supposed to do. Could you please get around to
telling me what I am supposed to do?
Gladly.
Its time for me to teach you the magic word. When we
were kids, our Moms taught us that the magic word was ...
all together now ... please.
Thats a good one, I must admit. Used correctly, it can
open many doors, smooth over many problems, please and
influence many where the leaving out of it would cause
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resentment and hard feelings. Yes, please is a magic word.
But its not the only one.
Now its time to learn a new one.
The magic word I want you to remember from here on
in is no. What makes this such a magic word when it
comes to strippers? Well, first off, its not a word they hear
very often. They really dont know how to react to it. After
all, theyre beautiful, your a man, alone with them in the
dark, how can you tell them no?
At this point, even as their conscious mind throws
insults or indignation or simple resentment at you, their
subconscious mind begins the process of trying to figure
out what makes you different from all the losers. Suddenly,
you have just knocked most of her arsenal out of
commission. You have become the U.S. Marines to her
Republican Guard. Expecting you to be a push-over
suddenly its her thats running across the desert trying to
formulate a new attack.
And, shes going to need one because youve just pulled
yourself out of the standard sucker loop. Remember,
strippers are like auto mechanics. Most people that drive in
with a problem with their car dont have the fucking
slightest idea whats wrong. The mechanic can tell them
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anything he wants, charge them anything that he wants,
and the boobs are helpless. They have to believe him. After
all, what choice do they have? The mechanic wins.
But, if the guy who drives in actually knows something
about cars, his knowledge throws the mechanic off.
Suddenly the question in the strippers mind becomes,
okay, this guy fucking knows something about cars. But,
just how much does he know about cars?
Now, the mechanic, or the stripper, doesnt quite know
how to proceed. Now, suddenly, theyre forced to start
steering toward the truth because, if they get caught in a
lie, the games over and for once, theyre the loser instead
of the poor man in the street.
Saying no to a stripper puts you in a power position.
They simply dont know what to do. Heres a guy who isnt
interested in giving me some story. Hes not claiming to
own the largest cattle ranch in Rhode Island, or to be the
latest internet stock millionaire, or to be the winner of the
last Indianapolis 500. Hes just some guy.
Or, the stripper thinks, is he? After all, he hasnt said
anything about himself. Hes playing his cards close to his
vest. Christ, Ill bet this guy is loaded. Hes trying to protect
himself. Fuck, thats it. Hes probably some CEO, or the
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head of a crime syndicate. Hes too smart to let me get my
hooks into him. Or, so he thinks. Well, I have his
goddamned number now.
This is the first step in throwing the average strippers
game off the table. Tell no lies about yourself, indeed, tell
nothing about yourself, and suddenly its you that becomes
the mystery. To strippers, who meet a thousand liars a day
and whose contempt for the average Joe is overwhelming, a
guy who doesnt act like most of the dribble-lipped
Bennies who stumble through their doorway is a find. Its a
find they might grow bored with and throw away in the
next few seconds, but for the moment, youre running at
the head of the pack, and youve got the attention of the
stripper you want.
More. Youve got her respect.
Its begrudging, its unconscious, but youve got it.
And, as you turn down her advances, youre only going
to rack up more points along the way.
Remember, were saying no to everything here. No to
lap dances, no to sticking money down their underwear or
into their orifices, no to anything.
Sure, youll buy yourself a drink. Man has to have
nourishment. But pretend sex with someone he hardly
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knows, dont make me laugh.
This is irresistible magnet time. Yes, its only that first
step, and there are a lot more to go. But, hey, youve got to
start somewhere, and this much is a thousand times closer
to getting anywhere than most of the saps will ever get. Of
course, since you were probably hoping to get a bit further
than this, perhaps you should keep reading and find out
how to get a few more paces up this stairwell.
CHAP T E R S I X
The Next Few Steps
All rightie now, youre in the club and youre creating quite
a stir. Youre obviously not a homosexual, they can smell
the man stink coming off you. They know youre a
carnivore and that pussy is your favorite meat. And yet ...
and yet ... youre not acting like the animals they know so
well (and despise so greatly).
Youre not telling tall tales about yourself. In fact, youre
not talking about yourself at all. You politely say no to lap
dances and other offers. You buy drinks for yourself when
you want them, but when a stripper asks you to buy her a
drink you chuckle politely and smile thinly as you shake
your head no. If she asks why not, you tell her something
on the order of;
Oh, I would, but that would be objectifying you, and I
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have too much respect for you than that.
Yeah, its a bullshit line, but its one that will keep the
respect going. Let me explain.
You could say something like, Oh, I would, but then
Id just be another one of your regulars, and I didnt really
come here to be turned into anyones personal ATM.
Now, you say, whats wrong with that? Its the truth, its
flashy, its even pretty hardboiled. That should flow with
what youve been saying all along, shouldnt it?
No. Not really.
You see, that line is indeed the truth. Rock hard truth.
And, where did I say that strippers wanted to hear the
truth? Are you crazy? Telling them the truth will keep them
from dragging you down, but itll keep you from getting
anywhere else, either. That line says, Im on to you. Youre a
thief that isnt getting a dime out of me.
You go with that approach, and you know what, theyll
believe you. And theyll just move onto the next guy and
leave your ass to die of loneliness. After all, its not like the
chicks in these places are having to fight each other for the
two or three guys who come in a day. Men are throwing
their money away by the millions in these places every day,
without any encouragement from anyone. You come in
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and give the girls hard core truth, and theyll run for the
hills as if they were vampires and you were the local garlic-
flavored holy water salesman.
But, that objectifying line, well, thats different. Lets
look at that for a moment.
Okay, we agree that the stripper you feed this line to
isnt going to buy it. But, what is she going to make of it?
Well, first off, shes going to think you know the score. You
might actually have been around the block once or twice.
And, if you havent been around, youve probably at least
been nearby.
Youve also planted the seed that you respect her. Now,
dont get me wrong. You didnt do this by telling her that
you respected her. That never works. But, by refusing a lap
dance, by not buying her a drink (remember, its their job
to get you to buy them drinks. You get charged triple the
normal price of whiskey so they can drink a diet ginger
ale), youve saidlook, Im obviously interested in you,
but not in that way. You are a person after all.
Whether she buys it hook, line and sinker, or only sees
you as someone skilled enough to play the con along with
her, she has to respect you. Think of the stripper as a world
class tennis player.
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When you got onto the court with her, she thought she
was going to volley and just knock you out of there. But
instead, you knocked the ball right back into her court.
Now, that might have been luck, or it might have been
skill. Either way, shes never going to find out if she doesnt
continue to play the game with you.
And, as we all know, skilled players only escalate a
game with someone they respect enough to treat like an
equal. And, our stripper has to do that. If she doesnt treat
you like an equal, even if its just to get the chance to
expose you as a phony, shes never going to know for sure.
So, at this early stage of the game, if youre playing all your
cards right, you should be impressively ahead of the game.
Youve got your strippers attention. Youve developed
an air of mystery. Moreover, she thinks youre not just
some empty-headed braggart. She knows you know
something about the real world (sure, were only talking
about her world here, but everyone considers their little
slice of the world as the real world). She also has an idea
that you cant be conned as easily as ninety-nine percent of
the marks in the world. And, she thinks you respect her on
some level.
By getting yourself to this position, you force her to
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change all of her normal tactics. Strippers have a general
attack mode they use on every guy that comes through the
door. When someone comes in who doesnt go down
under their first blitz, he forces them to see him as an
actual human being. He must be at least a cut above the
usual scum. He doesnt act anything like them.
Suddenly, youve established yourself as someone that
has to be treated differently. If she wants to learn
something about you, shes going to have to take a different
tact. And, youve made yourself interesting enough to be
worth investigating.
Remember, strippers are human beings. Even the ones
that are lesbians want friends. And, deep down inside,
strippers know that most of the world sees them in the
same light as prostitutes. They are one of societys outcast
sects, like child molesters and drug addicts. Respectable
people consider them as just so much scum. So, when a
guy comes along who doesnt treat them like an object,
who doesnt look down on them, who shows them respect
...
Well, just like a cat thats spotted a new ball of yarn,
they simply have to know whats going on in the center of
that tightly wrapped sphere. At this point, you can begin to
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engage your target in casual conversation.
Now, just a quick word before we go any further. To
any of you who are thinking that Im telling you to be a
cheapskate here, yes, I am. You must not spend a red cent
on any of the girls in the clubs you go to. Not one Lincoln
copper, okay?
Men, what you all have to understand here is that,
again, this is not the real world. In the real world, the
world outside the strip clubs, yes, these actions would be
those of a skinflint, no questions asked. But, were not
talking about functioning in the real world, are we?
In a strip club, someone who doesnt fall for the sucker
nonsense is not considered a cheapskate. He is thought of
as someone who isnt stupid enough to fall for the bullshit.
Its just like in casinos. Anyone who plays the slots is
automatically listed as a chump by the workers in the
casinos. They know that the lowest odds are on the one
armed bandits and that only the luckiest of the lucky make
any money plugging nickels into these thief boxes.
Of course, you can buy yourself a drink, buy your
friends a drink, even tip the bar maid or waitress. But, you
dont over-tip. By acting as someone who knows the score,
you will automatically be entered into the open society of
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the strip club.
At this point, you will be thought of more as an equal
than a sucker, and that, oh yes, that, my brethren, is when
things finally can get started.
CHAP T E R S E VE N
Turning The Tables
So, at this point youve planted yourself in your friendly
neighborhood strip club and youre being though of as
much more than a mark. Youre practically one of the
gang. This is a good thing, but your initiation into the
group is not over yet. Not by a long shot.
Once again, lets use your beloved high school days as
an analogy (hell, you know that doing this works for
absolutely every other part of our livesright? Might as
well go with a proven winner). Just like in high school,
when you want to get into a clicthe jocks or the
intellectuals or the dopers or the geeks, whateverno
matter how exalted or lowly the particular clic you were
determined to crack open might be, you still had to prove
yourself somehow.
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Back in high school, the reason for all of this was
simple. Most groups human beings form are small ones
compactclusters that only contain four or five members.
Why? Its because thats really all any group needs. Think
about itevery group has to have a leader, someone with
good ideas, who can keep everyone focused, et cetera.
Then, theres the intellectual, the deepest thinker of the
group. Then theres the fat guy, and the wise ass, and the
good-looking one, the strong man, and so forth.
Of course, often two or more of these traits are found
in a solitary group member. For instance, the leader of a
group can easily turn out to be the strongest member, or
the intellectual. The fat guy is often the wise ass, but he
might also be the most powerful.
Group dynamics operate like this for a simple reason.
Even in a group of strong guys, the jock clic, say, somebody
has to serve as the leader. Maybe the one who ends up in
charge isnt actually the strongest guy there, but he has
some quality that makes him the natural leader (you know,
Little John was stronger than Robin Hood, the Thing is
stronger than Reed Richards, still ...). After that, the
strongest guy becomes that group of strong guys
outstanding strong guy, and the other strong guys have to
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come up with some quality that defines him. One becomes
the wise ass, one the intellectual, et cetera, et cetera.
And, you ask, just what does all of this have to do with
us? How does any of this get us any closer to what were
looking for? Easy there, Henry. The answer is simplicity
itself. If you see yourself becoming a part of the strip club
group, you have to ask yourselfjust what role am I
functioning in here? This is no simple question.
The answer is, you become the confessor.
Let me explain.
You have now established yourself as a guy whos way
too cool to be sucked in and bled dry by the typical strip
club mentality. Everything about you screams that such is
not for youno way. All the chicks working at your target
club now know youre far too sharp to be buying them
drinks, but that youre not just some cheapskate. Youre
there because you like to be there, but youre no sucker.
Youre like them.
Think about this for a moment. Remember, these girls
dont consider themselves suckers by any means. They
think of themselves as damn sharp operators. And yet,
theyre in the club, arent they? Whats the reason? Same as
yours, of course, they like being there. So, the question
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then becomes, what to do with you?
Dont forget, Methuselah, these strippers youre so hot
for are not anyones fools. They arent particularly wasteful,
either. They do like to manipulate men, however. They like
to use them. So, if they cant use you for cash and for
proving that all men are pieces of shit, then what good are
you? The answer is simple. As I said before, once you get
this far, it is just a hop, skip and a jump from taking over
the coveted role of club confessor.
Remember, now youre not just some miserable slubb in
the eyes of these girls. No way. Thats for the other mokes.
Youyouve proved yourself to be a real, worthwhile,
genuine human being. Just like they are. This is, of course,
great, because once youve established yourself as someone
who isnt a target, you become someone to whom these
women can talk. And, believe me, that is just what most of
these poor pieces of trash have been waiting for.
What do I mean? I shall explain.
These women, all of them, come from screwed-up
backgrounds. All of them are the products of the worst
kinds of homes. Most of us have something to complain
about when it comes to our parents. But, bad as some of us
have/had it, strippers have it the worst. By far.
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They are, the grand majority of them, from severely
broken homes. More often foster homes. The majority of
them have fathers and step fathers who abused them on a
regular basis. Physically and sexually. Often they had
mothers who poisoned their minds psychologically. They are
often high school drop outs, and they are often mothers. If
there is a depressing theme on Jerry Springer or Rickie Lake
that involves sickness and depravity in the American family
these days, these girls are part and parcel to it.
The bitter, hard shell which these women project so
completely is almost all illusion. It might seem as solid as a
steel girder, but in reality it is a puny thinghollow and
thin, brittle, a painted on facade. Oh, their toughest is real,
all right, but the fueling of it comes at a high cost in
adrenaline and frayed nerves.
Confident people present a shatterproof aura to the
world as well, but the aura of the truly confident person is
genuine. In control of their emotions, knowing who they
are and generally liking themselves as people, those with
actual confidence in themselves and their futures, as
opposed to mere bravado, dont have time to worry about
what others think. Their righteousness, as it were, is well
justified. They dont need to put someone else down to feel
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good about themselves. Nor do they need to work
themselves up into a lather to feel good about themselves.
They always feel good about themselves.
Thats what confidence is all about.
Strippers, however, are one of the most insecure group
of human beings on the face of the planet. They know the
truth about their lives deep down, so their surface lives are
always a constant battle to ignore that truth. As we said
before, they get their great pleasure destroying men, not for
the money (which they will surely take), but for the
proof the fall of each man gives them that theyre right
to be who they are, that they are no worse than anyone
else, that they are practically doing Gods work by testing
mens wills.
We all lie to ourselves about something. Most people
have some little thing they ignore or make some sort of an
excuse for and then they get on with their lives. The lies
strippers have to tell to be able to face their lives can be
enormous. The insecurity battering away at the walls of
their egos is working for you. And youve got to cultivate it
and work with it as carefully as you can.
After the rushing, but temporary elation of scoring
some tremendous sum for just showing off her breasts, or
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the receiving of the cash-in value of some ten year olds
savings bonds, these women will always then swing in the
other direction. Rushes are followed by crashes, and thats
just the way it is. And during those crashes, thats when
they begin to question what theyve just done.
Showing off ones breastsbig deal. That will only last
so long. What to do when the breasts sag? And the over-
oiled skin begins to lose its luster? And the wrinkles
around the knuckles and along the neck begin to gather?
When the lines start to pinch the eyes, and the veins start
to blue upward along their legs? What then?
And, as far as whats wrong about telling some bald,
doughbellied weakchin that hes the most wonderful
Adonis in the world, then kissing his cheek because he just
cashed in his kids future because you told him your sick
mother needed cancer treatmentsI think even the
stupidest stripper can figure that one out on her own.
These women desperately need people to talk to. Or,
more specifically, and this is important now, to listen to
them. Do you get it? These women want sounding boards.
They want justification for their lives. They want to feel
good about themselves. They want someone to make them
feel good.
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Do you get it? Is any of this sinking in? Put down the
fucking Game Boy and pay attention.
Yes, this is how you do it. The only men these women
are ever going to fuck are men they trust. Rememberto
them, we are one disgusting sex. They have seen men do
the stupidest, most shameful things, just to get a peak at
their nipples. These women know above all others that sex
is just sex. Its something animals do to keep their species
going. These battered, mistreated womenhow much do
you think these bitches want to keep the species going?
Most of them already have kids. Kids they got by
fucking someone they werent married to. Or by fucking
someone they were married to, but who left them, or who
was so bad they ran away from him. At one time, except for
those who were raped (and in this day and age, not that
many victims of rape let their children live), they loved and
trusted some guy, and look what it got them. A fatherless
child and an empty life.
Why would they want to fuck you?
Do you begin to understand some of their contempt
for men, yet? Youd better ... because youre not going to
score until you do. Heres the deal:
No stripper is ever going to fuck some jerk off the
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street. The guy can spend a million dollars on lap dances,
et cetera, and its not going to get him anywhere. Why?
Shitwhy should the strippers fuck this guy when he
keeps spending his money? Duh!
Lets not forget now, a lot of strippers are lesbians.
Dont think that lesbians dont fit the stripper profile. After
all, I would think by now youve gotten it through your
heads that these women arent taking their clothes off
because they want to make you feel good. You know these
gals hate the type of men they meet in clubs. More than
mere hatethey mostly despise them. Well, heres a news
flash: a lot of lesbians hate men too.
Those who havent given up on the whole man/woman
thing, though, believe it or not, they are interested. In the
back of their minds, theyre still willing to look for male
companionship. Human beings are social creatures. Most
of us dont really enjoy being alone for too long. Certainly
most of us dont enjoy being by ourselves and on our own
with no one to share anything with.
Strippers are people, too, believe it or not, and like
the rest of us, they really do want someone whos is going
to make everything thats happened to them so far in the
world of love seem worth it. Why shouldnt they? Thats
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what everyone else whos been burned by romance does.
So, guess what, spud boy, thats the guy you have to
turn yourself into.
Yesyou! You have to start seeing things from their
point of view. Your answers to their statements and their
questions have to reflect an understanding of the world as
they see it, not as you see it. This doesnt mean that you
have to start throwing pity parties for them left and right,
though. Just because you want to get into their pants
doesnt mean you have to start thinking with your dick. In
fact, that will get you shot down quicker than anything.
These chicks are going to start talking to you the same
way they would other employees around the club. The
same way you would talk to the women where you work.
You wouldnt walk up to the water cooler and start
dropping hints about how your penis could really use a
fresh coating of lipstick, would you? Fuck right, you
wouldnt. Well, what wont work on the uptight bitches in
your office (or wherever you go to scrounge up a
paycheck), you can bank on the fact it wont work in a
strip club, either.
No, youve got to simply talk to them naturally, good-
naturedly. Of course, again, this means keeping the subject
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off yourself. The stripper will naturally gravitate toward
getting you to talk about yourself. Its their standard
operating procedure, and old habits are hard to break. But,
no, you want to keep turning those personal questions
back on her. Your job is to make your target gal as
comfortable talking about herself with you as possible.
How long have you been doing this kind of work? You
seem like the kind of person who must have an interesting
background? Where are you from, originally? Do you have
brothers or sisters? What kind of school did you go to? Are
you still in touch with your old friends from school? What
kind of movies do you like?
Blahblahblahblah ...
What you want to do is get into their pasts, get into
their heads, find out about their likes and their dislikes, et
cetera. What you dont want to do under any circumstances
is to start telling them how sexy they are. This is just the
kind of slip-up theyre going to be waiting for you to make.
Its what they expect from us.
Remember, these girls fucking know how sexy they
areokay? Its part of their goddamned job description, all
right? Every nose-picking, ass-scratching baboon that
waddles through the door tells them this constantly all day
long. Its an approach thats not only worthless, its fucking
pathetically stupid.
Think, gentlemen. Do you think one of these sluts is
going to be flattered by a compliment about her body? A
verbal comment? People pay to see their bodies all day
long. They know the lawyers and accountants and the such
that they tease all day head for the bathroom as soon as
they get back to their offices so they can get into a stall and
whack-off. They know you think theyre good looking.
Thats why they hate you in the first place, because they
hate their good looks. Or, more specifically, they hate the
fact that no one can see past their good looks to the inner
beauty they are certain they all have in spades.
Well, youre the one whos going to be different. Youre
the one whos going to notice all the wonderful things
about them. And brother, if you can get yourself into that
kind of a set-up, youre the one whos going to get fucked
like few men have been fucked before.
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CHAP T E R E I GHT
Getting To First Base
All right now, students, lets review for a moment. You now
know all about strippersright? You know never to take a
table dance or a lap dance, to not buy drinks or dinners for
the strippers. You know that to not play their game will
elevate you in the eyes of these women. It will make you
human to them. It will give you an edge over practically
every other guy who walks through the door.
Once these strippers start talking to you, really talking
to you, you know that they have started taking you
seriously as a person. And, you know that thats when you
have to really start talking to them. And, more importantly,
paying attention to them and what they have to say. Really
listening to what they tell you and making the appropriate
comments that they want to hear is whats going to really
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move you ahead in your quest to become Stripper Shagger
Supreme.
Because, what you are doing, once you become a
human being to them, is making certain that they know
that they are human beings as far as youre concerned, as
well. This means no talking about the things you own, or
how important you are, or any other nonsense you might
start to spew just to try and impress them. This is when
you start being the male theyve never encountered before.
Your concern for them as a genuine human being has
to be obvious. The questions you ask your target twats
should show interest in them as living, breathing people.
Considerate little queries like:
This place is really noisy, isnt it? Dont you think so? It
gives me a headache sometimes. Godit must be really
hard on you.
Does dancing all the time ever give you a charlie horse?
I mean, does it get tough on youon your legs and back?
Is it hard to keep up such a pace?
Sometimes this place seems a little depressing to me.
What do you think?
And, of course, there are thousands of things outside of
them and their feelings you can talk about as well. This or
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that funny regular at the club. Whether they have hobbies
or not. Have they ever been outside of the country? What
kind of food do they like? Do they have any pets? What
kind of music they enjoy? Et cetera.
Of course, perhaps we should stop for a moment for an
important note.
Lets say for a moment that youre holding this book
and youre just getting more and more fucking pissed
because as youve been reading youve discovered all the
mistakes youve been making. Youve been down at your
local club spending money like it was water on all the girls,
falling for their fucking lies, and now youre thinking that
it must be too lateyoure stuck. Youve blown it. Theyve
got you pegged as a loser and a mark and youll never, ever,
have a chance at nailing any of them. Right?
Nonot at all.
All you have to do is change your ways. Just stop the
money flow dead in its tracks. When all the girls youve
been paying and over-tipping cluster around, asking, hey,
wheres my tip? Dont you want one of my special
dances? and so forth, just laugh them off. Dont bellow
like a donkey, just chuckle.
Now sure, a lot of these bitches can get plenty fucking
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nasty, but so what. Just take it all good naturedly. Sticks
and stones, and all that crap. Im serious here. What kind
of loser gets into a shouting match with a stripper? You
have to project that you are the one in charge. What they
think and say and do doesnt matter in the least to you. You
have to stay cool, stay jovial and simply not spend another
dime on any of them. Believe it or not, it really wont be
very long before youll go from a loser or a mark to a
complete and respectable figure in their eyes.
And, while were off the subject for a moment, let me
just add here that I know all of this sounds like it must take
forever, but hey, you were going to the clubs, anyway, and
you werent getting anywhere. At least this way youre not
spending your retirement fund four decades before you
need it. And, there are lots of naked chicks to check out
while you slowly nurse that single drink you buy when you
walk in.
And, I do mean a single drink. Youre not there to get
drunk. Youre not there to get sloppy. Youre there on a
mission. You are the advance scout of your team, and you
need to keep your fucking wits about you, okay?
Anyway, youve stopped spending, youve stopped
staring. Youve got them talking to you and thinking of you
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as a human being. So, what comes next?
Nextwell, hellits about time you asked them out
of a date, isnt it?
Now, there are two ways you can do this. The first is
the traditional way. You simply ask. Of course, it pays to do
it with a bit of a twist.
Hey, you look hungry and Ive got the urge to feed
someone. Lets you and me go put the ol feedbag on.
You know, you look like you could use a good meal.
Why dont I take you to a place I know where we can get a
bite, where it isnt so noisy?
For the more daring, I recommend the patented
Brodsky method of getting a date. Dont beg, demand. Tell
that bitch shes going out and just get on with it.
Im taking you to dinner. Lets pack it up and get
moving.
Granted, this way takes way more confidence, but then,
heyyoure the one who wants to start dating strippers. I
figure you must have a few extra gallons of confidence
laying around somewhere.
The thing you have to remember is that youre not just
trying to get a date here. You are actively working to pry
this bitch out of her environment and get her into yours.
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Heres what I mean.
Often times, when a guy first asks a stripper out on a
date, shell accept, but only in a table-turning way. What
shell do is to agree to a date, but shell pick the place. Shell
gush about a wonderful after-hours place she just loves,
and wouldnt it be fun if we went there?
No, it wouldnt.
After hours clubs are just more of the same. Youre not
moving forward, youre staying bogged down in her world.
The places are just as dark, just as noisy, just as liquor-
soaked and disreputable. Jumping at the chance to
accompany her to one of these places is just like hanging
the big LOSER sign around your neck and kicking yourself
in the ass.
No, Melvin, youve got to be smarter than that. Yes,
following her along to an after hours club could possibly
get you a consolation prize blow job under the table, but
that would be all you would ever getnot just from that
girl, but from every stripper in your tri-state area. Word
will be out on you in a minute.
Remember, giving you a blow job is nothing to these
bitches. Hell, its nothing to most women. They just make a
big deal out of it because if you were ever to wake up and
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realize how fucking useless their nonsense games were,
well, theyd be out of business, wouldnt they? Tagging
along with one of them to some club and accepting some
small sexual contact would only prove to them you were
exactly the kind of loser they know all men are.
So, what do you do? You do something different. You
take them to dinner. You take them to a nice place. A well
lit place. A place where none of your friends are waiting to
leer and make comments. In other words, you treat her
with respect while (and here is the important part) treating
yourself with respect as well.
You see, you want to get them out of the club for a
number of reasons. First off, there is safety in numbers.
Getting a stripper out of the club and away from all her
girl friends is like getting any woman alone and away from
her protective circleyouve got a much better chance of
having something happen the way you want it to if she
isnt in her element. And, thats what were really talking
about here.
When you follow a stripper out of her club and off to
another one, youre unconsciously signaling to her that you
prefer her lifestyle to your own. These women dont want
this kind of life. After all, who wants to spend twenty-four
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hours a day at their job?
Trust me, all those kids movies about Santa Claus,
where they show the fat fucker living in some candy cane
coated igloo piled to the rafters with toys, they are as
wrong as can be. I mean, why would Santa choose to live in
his factory? When Santa isnt setting world speed records
in his sleigh, hes chilling in his black light sound room,
listening to Black Sabbath while knocking back some Jack
Daniels Green Label.
Okay, maybe that was a little odd, but you get the idea.
These girls dont really want to spend all night in the same
kind of environment they just spent all day. They want to
do and see and experience something new. Something
different. They want a better world than the blaring,
mostly depressing world of the club circuit.
If you jump at the chance to go with her to a club,
youre just showing that you think her lifestyle is better
than your own. Well, if thats the case, what is there you
can teach her? Why should you get to go out with her?
What do you have to offer?
No, youve got to take her to some place elegant. Not so
fancy that shes embarrassed and completely out of place.
That wouldnt be too bright, would it? Just a nice, quiet
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place where the two of you can have a nice, quiet talk. One
of those elbows of the table kind of places where you can
both be yourselves and begin to find out more about each
other as human beings.
This is the dinner you can pay for. One served in your
world. Do you see what this says?
I wont buy the food at your club. I prefer eating in a
better atmosphere. Quieter, more friendly, more, what
would the word be ... normal.
In other words, my world is the normal one. My world
is the good one.
Welcome to my world.
You see where this is going?
Yeah, you look like bright guys. I knew you were going
to catch on.
CHAP T E R NI NE
An Important Note
After reading as much as you have now, this next note may
seem obvious. Some of you sharper eggs may have figured
this one out for yourself by now. But, for those that
havent, this is a serious warning about one of the most
dangerous pitfalls of every jiggle joint. So, lets all just take
a moment to make certain everyone is safe.
Now, every one of you guys who have been to a strip
club, Im going to assume that you must all know what the
champagne room iscorrect?
Of course, its true that names can vary from place to
place. America is a big place. In other parts of the country,
some of you may have heard of this section of a strip club
as the VIP Room, or the Executive Suite, the Big Back
Room, et cetera. Finewhatever. The name doesnt matter,
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because these special rooms always turn out to be the
exact same fucking thing. For those of you who arent in
the know here, let me clue you in.
What were talking about is a fairly standard con found
in each and every strip club in the world. All of these
places has an area somewhere in the back (actually, they
usually have two or three or God only knows how many)
which has been given some important sounding name
where only the elite customers are supposed to be taken.
And, trust me here, Elite in this instance is simply
code for the goddamn biggest suckers in the place, and
those who follow some fucking stripper back there pretty
much get what they deserve. Which is mainly a lot of
empty promises and very little else.
These rooms are simply the carrots dangled out in front
of men to turn them into drooling idiots. How? I shall
explain. Hints are made by the strippers, hints which can be
easily misinterpreted, that sound as if sex awaits anyone lucky
enough to be allowed back in the champagne room. It
sounds awfully good, but that good feeling is all in the marks
head. Getting laid back in a strip clubs VIP room is about as
likely to happen as the Atlantic Ocean freezing over or the
Democrats campaigning for smaller government.
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Let me spell it out for you.
There is no sex in the champagne room. None. Not for
anyone. Period. Never going to happen. Any guy who lets
himself be taken to the back area of any strip club will
simply be encouraged to spend all his money. Then, when
hes tapped out, hes thrown out.
This is a standard strip club hustle and will be used on
anyone whom the girls begin to suspect has deep pockets.
These private rooms are used expertly by these con artists
to siphon cash out of men who simply have too much of it.
Strip clubs, like Burger King or Boston Market, depend
on high volume and high audience turn over. Get the
money, get the rube out of the chair, get the next sucker
into it.
Ive given you all the right moves so far, dont get
suckered into this classic wrong one, or youll undo all the
positive work youve done so far.
And what good would that do?
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CHAP T E R T E N
Breaking Down
Their Resistance
All right, no more beating around the bush. By now you
should not have to be told ever again that the supposed
invincible power of strippers over men is as big an illusion
as the Wizard of Ozs audience chamber. Pay no attention
to that whore behind the curtain.
Once youve selected the piece of ass youre going to
move in on, youve got to start playing the game in deadly
earnest. Remember, this bitch would lead you to a sliding
board made out of razor blades and push you onto it dick-
first if you gave her the slightest opportunity. Since youve
probably got better things to do with her and your dick,
lets get our game strategy worked out, shall we?
What you have to do with your little Alice is to treat
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her as if she was the loneliest girl at school. The awkward
chick with the thick glasses who wears the ill-fitting
clothes. The one you talked to because, well, she was easy
to talk to because you werent intimidated by her great
looks or fabulous body or the fact that all the blood
drained from your head every time you saw her (and we
know where it was going, dont we, gang?).
What you have to do now is forget that shes beautiful.
You have to forget that shes naked. You have to ignore her
amazing curves and perky nipples, red full lips, dazzling
eyes, batting away, urging you on, calling to you, begging
you to notice her. You cant. You absolutely must not. This
would be your biggest mistake ever.
You have to remember that these women live in their
own little worlds. Inside the strip club (and especially
within their own minds) they are the ultimate objects of
worship and desirability. They are the sex symbols; they are
the celebrities. You can admit to that, of course. You can
agree to it all if asked, but you can not be influenced by it.
You must let that all wash over you and remain untouched
by any of it. In other words, what you have to do at this
point is to ignore her stripper persona entirely. This will
make any stripper bug-fuck crazy.
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How? Glad you asked.
Again, these women are the ultimate big fish within a
small pond. On the streets, theyre just cute girls. Inside,
theyre goddess of desire. When you ignore their charms
and come ons, you are effectively saying that there is
something wrong with them. They arent good enough for
you. Well, they might be good enough for you, but not just
because they have nice hair or long legs. Looks might be
enough for the normal dumptrucks that back their wide
loads onto the stools around the bar in their clubs, but
they arent enough for you. Youre not one of the regular
assholes. Youre someone with taste and manners. Youre
better than the run of the mill guy. In fact, youre better
than all men.
Do you get whats going on here? These are insecure,
neurotic, emotionally unstable women. Youve seen this
scenario in a thousand movies. The bitch queen whos used
to getting her way with every man in sight suddenly comes
up against the guy who doesnt fall in line for all her
normal tricks. Remember Gone With the Wind? Or how
about dropping back, oh say, 400 years to Shakespeares
The Taming of the Shrew? Its always the same story.
Veronica is never interested in Archie until he gets tired
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of her tricks and bullshit and goes after Betty. Then,
suddenly hes the most desirable man in the world. Well,
thats your game here. Youve got to knock her normal
game plan into a cocked hat. And that is going to take
every bit of reserve and cool you have.
Remember, these are sharp operators. When you come
in and dont spend any money, youre going to run into a
lot of hostility. These bitches will think of you as a jerk and
in a lot of cases they may dish you up a healthy serving of
grief. Youve got to hang tough and ignore it.
Again I tell you, when this happens you cant get mad.
You have to just laugh it all off. Treat the strippers who
treat you with contempt as if they were the bratty children
of your best friend. Shake your head and chuckle softly and
act as if you were their uncle and they were four years old.
Youre not going to scream or yell or bicker with them.
Youre not going to get into an argument with a four year
old. As far as youre concerned, you came over to visit with
her parents and you dont mind putting up with her, but it
would be nice if she could behave herself.
This will rattle any stripper. You have simply got to put
on your game face and go in there, presenting yourself as a
real guy, out to have real fun, in total control of himself
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and his destiny. Their game is to get men to give them
anything and everything they have. Your game is to upset
their playing board and turn the tables on them.
Now, let me say something here that those of you who
know me are going to remember. This is going to take
confidence on your part. Honest, raw, actual, 100% All
American grade A confidence. Accept no substitutes.
You have to be able to do all the things Im telling you
without flinching, without stuttering, without getting a
hard on every time you look at one of these women. You
cant be staring at their breasts while youre talking to them
and grow red in the face and expect them to take you
seriously. These are sharks, okay? They fucking know the
smell of blood when its in the water.
You are going to have to know who you are and what
youre about when you walk in with this game in mind.
Youre going to have to be cool, collected, and ready for
battle. In other words, youre going to have to be confident
in your ability to pull this off. If youre not, they dont try
it. What would be the point?
Does a fireman rush into a burning building if he
doesnt think he can make it? Does a cop keep chasing a
run away thief whos twenty years younger and forty
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pounds lighter? Does a welterweight get into the ring with
a heavyweight? They might, but theyd be stupid if they
did.
Like Dirty Harry told the world, A mans got to know
his limitations. If you cant do this right now, then
practice. Thats what firemen and cops and boxers do. They
practice, they get in shape, they get things right. Thats
what youre going to have to do.
Work in front of the mirror if you have to. Go to a club
where the girls arent your type. Work on them until you
get your game down cold. If theres only one club in town,
then go to the next town over, or just work it all out in
your head before you go in. But, think long and hard about
what youre going to do before you start.
Heres why.
Youre only going to get a very few chances to get this
right. Two or threetops. If you live where there are lots
of clubs, like say Vegas or Orlando, LA or NYC, et cetera,
you can move around a bit. But, a lot of places only have a
very limited number of clubs, and youre going to have to
get things right from the very beginning. Not that thats
going to be all that hard.
All you have to remember is: you are in charge. You.
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And only you. You have to kick your confidence into high
gear and keep it there. When you walk into a strip club,
youre there to have a good time. Have a few drinks, look at
some girls, have some laughs, and thats it.
You are not a mark or a target or a sucker. You are a
man. A real man. Not a jerk or a dweeb or a mook. You are
not falling for any of their shit, you are not taking any of
their shit, you are not bothered by any of their shit.
If you think the sight of these women is going to fluster
you and throw you off your game, then watch six hours
worth of the steamiest, raunchiest porn you own. Go rent
some new stuff. Whack off fifteen times if you have to until
youre calm enough to go into the club and not make an
ass of yourself. Do whatever it takes.
Remember, theyre expecting all men to be easy marks.
When you prove to be different, youre in. Youre just going
to have to stand your ground a very short time before
theyre going to start to warm to you and wonder about
you and fret over your presence.
What the hell is wrong with this guy, anyway? Why isnt
he fucking drooling over me? Who does he think he is?
Why doesnt he stare at my tits and stammer whenever I
talk to him? Why doesnt he try and touch me like a guilt
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schoolboy like every other man? Whats so different about
this guy? What the fuck is so special about him?
If you can just hold your ground for even a few hours,
youre going to get their peanut sized brains wondering all
sorts of things. Theyre going to be wondering how you
can resist them, if theyre something wrong with them, or
if youre just so super-special that maybe they should be
looking at you in a different light.
And that, that is when you start to pour on your
moves. What are your moves, you ask?
Dont fret class.
That lesson is next.
CHAP T E R E L E VE N
Picking Up Those
Broken Pieces
All right now, youve picked out your stripper, youve
worked on her and youve got her broke down real good.
Youve got this poor twat thinking there has to be
something extra special about you. Great. Now, how do
you make that work for you? Where do you go next?
Well there, Basil, you climb right into her fucking head
and you dont stop teasing it until youve got her legs up
over the struts of the chandelier and her lips firmly
wrapped around your flagpole.
Now, one easy way to the nirvana of free stripper sex is
to start conditioning them to give you things. This is a
simple, subliminal trick, but it works like a charm. Once
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you have them talking to you and treating you like their
dearest and most bosom companion, once youve got their
ear completely with your confessor role, thats when youve
got to start taking things up a notch.
So, what do you do? Glad you asked.
First youve got to start asking them for things. Little
things. An extra napkin with that drink theyre fetching for
you. A pack of matches so you can have a smoke. A bowl of
peanuts. Youve got to start taking up extra minutes of
their time, either by getting them to serve you, or
answering questions. It doesnt really matter what it is you
ask for, as long as it involves them giving you something
while youre giving them something.
Understand? Youre their friend. Youre giving them
advice and sympathy. They can at least get you some extra
ice from the bar. Whatever you can think of, it all helps
break down that barrier life and pain has erected around
these women, not leaving them defenseless, but just
smashing it enough to let you snake your way in.
Now, a really great way to keep that Im your pal
scenario going is to become the kind of friend they can
trust. You have to prove that you see the world the way
they do. One of the best ways to do that is by asking them
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things about how well they are doing taking the pathetic
losers all around you to the cleaners.
For instance:
Hey, that guy you started dating, how much have you
taken him for?
Didnt you tell me one of those guys over there gave
you your sports car? How did you beat that moron out of
something that sweet?
That guy over there looks like a real sucker. Which
one of you is going to clean him out?
By getting them to tell you their secrets, by attacking
their enemies and laughing at their conquests with these
women, you are forming a subconscious alliance with
them. You are on their side. You are not judging them in
the least. Or, if you are, you are judging them smart and
in-charge and clever and righteous and all the other things
they want to believe that they are.
As you keep doing this, they will come back to you over
and over. Soon you wont have to ask them anything about
what theyre doing or anything else. You wont have to
worry about how to keep them coming back, because
theyll be coming to you with news of what theyve done.
And why will they be coming to tell you?
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Believe it or not, theyll be coming back as often as they
can because theyll be worried about making certain that
you come back. Yes, by this point, theyll be coming to tell
you this and that and the other thing in the hopes that
their story will please you.
Please you.
Thats right. As they tell you of their victories and their
conquests, and you dole out your approval, you will be on
your way to becoming a Big Daddy figure to them,
someone they can talk to, someones in whose lap they can
curl up and feel safe. And, of course, since most of these
women have fathers who left them at an early age, or who
abused them, this is just the seat you want to be in.
How does it work in your favor if her father ditched
her at an early age? That would go something like this:
My real daddy left me. But, who cares? Now I have a
new one. But, I dont want to lose my new daddy, too. Of
course, daddy is a man, and men like sex. Hey, I bet I know
how to keep this daddy around.
Or, if she had the other type of scumbag dad:
Daddy hit me and forced me to have sex. This guy is
everything a daddy should be. He doesnt abuse me or treat
me like a sex object. I want to show this daddy how much I
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appreciate being treated like a good girl for once. I bet hed
like to have some of what I do best.
Now, I know that to some of you this second one is not
going to seem to compute. If her real father abused her
sexually, why would she have sex with her new father
figure? Would that be the last thing she would do? Believe
it or not, the answer is no.
You have to remember, were talking incredibly
unstable women here. These are emotional powder kegs,
who have a limited number of social responses. They
simply dont have the skills to deal with someone with your
approach. Sure, as long as the men are drooling like horny
middle schoolers getting their first stiffies, they are large
and in charge. But, youre offering them something new,
something they dont know how to control.
When any of us find ourselves in a new situation, one
we have no answers for, we fall back on the only behavior
we can think of that fits the situation. Fear makes us do all
sorts of stupid things, like curling up in a ball to hide when
danger comes at us. We should probably be running like
Jesse Owens in Munich, but were simply too scared to
think rationally, and so we let instinct take over.
Same for our strippers.
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They like you. They dont want to lose you. But, they
dont know what to do. Youre so different. So confident. So
independent. Youre such a good listener, and you dont try
anything stupid like most men, and you treat her so nice,
and youre such fun to be around, and you approve of
everything she does in her lifestyleyou can not be
allowed to get away. Not a catch like you.
But, thats the problem. You are a catch. And the only
place she sees you is in the strip club. Where you are
surrounded by strippers. Just like her. And this is where her
own brain will do her in.
You met her there. You could meet any stripper there.
Its their jobs to play up to the men. How can she make
you all her own? How can she protect her confessor and
keep you all to herself when there are so many evil,
scheming women around all the time?
And, as the fear of possibly losing youyes, youthe
one fucking good thing in their life sets in, answers will
begin to appear to them. Oh yeah, bunkie, answers that
involve measuring your pants bulge for a cock ring.
Whats the only way she can make certain that the
other bitches at the club dont get their hands (or anything
else) on you? Why, of course, theyre going to have to get
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you out of the club and somewhere private. But, if you like
going to the club, what are they going to be able to do to
keep you happy enough so youre not going to want to go
to the club anymore?
Hummmmmmmm, yes ... what, indeed?
Got any ideas, tiger?
CHAP T E R T WE LVE
Papa Dont Preach
Okay, before I give you any more tricks, I just want to
expand on something I mentioned only in passing earlier.
Ive talked about this, but in a way that sort of expects that
you understand what Im about to tell you up front and
clearly. Since Im thinking that there are a number of you
that dont, Id better take a moment to make certain that
you completely understand this most necessary of facts.
And let me tell you, Chumly, I am not kidding here.
This is the A Number 1, absolutely essential, top priority
bit if information you need to make this all come off right.
Okay: here it is.
We keep talking about how you accept the strippers
and their lifestyle. What they do is okay with you. You
laugh at their victims and rejoice along with them when
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they take some poor mook for everything. You listen to all
their tales of tearing apart families and looting the life
savings of some loser and you are all sympathy and
understanding for themnot their victims.
What Im going to say next should seem obvious, but I
cant tell you how many guys have screwed this next part
up. Far too many dopes have played the game just as Ive
outlined it, and then, turned around and tried to reform
the stripper that theyve been working on.
This is just about as stupid as it gets.
You dont belong here.
Youre much too good for all this.
You really dont need this life.
Oh, I can take you away from all this and take care of
you as you deserve.
Oh, shell let you take her away from all that, you
fruitcake, the same way shes letting nineteen other guys
take her away from all of it. Youll just become sucker #20
who is paying her rent and making her bank account fatter
than Bill Clintons yearly graft.
You have to understand, youre some regular guy telling
her that youre going to somehow skim off enough to keep
her in the custom to which shes become accustomed. On
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your salary youre going to handle her half million to
million dollar a year life style.
Worse yet, youre criticizing her. Youre telling her that
there is something wrong with being a stripper. If you say
that she shouldnt be one, that she should be taken away
from stripping, then youre making a judgment on her
lifestyle. Youre saving that youre superior to her. You think
youre coming across like Ward Cleaver, but you really
sound something like this:
Hey, baby, I think youre some kind of cheap slut. Im
morally superior to you and I think you should lead your
life the way I say, else wise youre just proving what a big
skank you are.
Strip clubs are filled with reformers, guys who think
their road to getting laid is to tell strippers that theyre
whores in need of some ol time religion, as preached by
them. These women hold guys who treat them this way
with extra special contempt. This is a sure fire way to
guarantee that you never get laid by any stripper in the
galaxy.
And, believe me, this approach simply never, ever, ever
works. No matter what some hoochie koochie might tell
you, dont ever believe it if it sounds as if she wants you to
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be her little white knight. Trust me, one of two things is
happening here. Either:
Oneshe is simply not under your spell yet, and she is
testing you to see if you can be easily added to her string of
victims, or,
Twoshes on the brink of believing you and this is
one last test to see if you are actually the wonderful Joe
shes begun to think you are.
Remember, and this is of vital importance, youre not
looking for a wife here, all right? This is not some fucking
sit com. Youre not going to reform one of these loads of
dynamite into your little picket-fence, white-apron soccer
mom. Fuck, why would you even want to?
For Christs fucking sake, Charlie Tuna, youre just
looking to get laid here. Youre not after anything more
long term here than something that takes enough time to
drain your trouser snake and fill her esophagus with your
personal brand of man gravy.
I mean, come on, Mack, you dont think stripping is
bad. You think its glorious, you think its wonderful, and
you fucking thank God every cousin-raping morning and
every grandpa-smacking night that you live in a country
where women arent wrapped up in sheets and followed
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around by male family members on those rare times when
theyre allowed out of the house. You sing the praises of
this wonderful land of ours to the angels on high every
time you realize that not only dont we stone strippers here
as they do in other lands, but that we argue their rights to
do as they do and live as they live in the highest courts in
the land.
Reformers are full of good intentions, and we know
what interstate they pave with that shit.
CHAP T E R T HI RT E E N
The Stuff That Works
All right, all of you guys who took this class knowing
exactly what to expect from me, you fellows who are always
raising your hands, who have had all of the obvious
answers right away, I know, I know, youre all saying, hey,
fucking tell us something we dont know.
Okay, I can dig it. I was young once, Ive been where
you are. And thats why I go out of my way sometimes.
Because, just like you, Ive been where they are, too. What
Im saying is that I hope you can all understand that Ive
got to protect every man I can from the snakes that are
lurking out there. We are all of us cut from the same three-
legged cloth, my brothers, and trust me, we have got to
stick together against this most aggressive of enemies.
But, I think we should all be on the same page by now.
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And, since I know a lot of you are ready to hit the beach,
but arent exactly certain you have enough armament, let
me ladle up a few more great tricks that will help you snag
the stripper of your dreams.
The number one bit of ammo all of you should be
tucking into some handy pocket before you begin your
first stripper offensive is a sense of humor. If you can make
these gals laugh, youve got a friend for life. Sure, they
laugh at men all day long, but its bitter, frustrating
laughter. If you can offer them an alternative, youre going
to fucking have it made in the shade.
Now, Im not saying you should try to be Jerry Seinfeld
or Rodney Dangerfield right off the bat here. These gals are
busy; they dont have time to listen to your stand-up
monologue. Youve got to work on them slowly to get them
interested enough to want to take you seriously as a person
before you can engage them in any kind of conversation.
But, if you can shoot off the occasional quip that makes
them laugh at themselves or their situation, youll have
them right where you want them. Dont be afraid to laugh
at yourself, either. This just allows you to then laugh at
them later on.
Cracking some jokes, lots of them, both about yourself
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and about the wonderful world of strippers, definitely
helps to draw them into that conspiratorial situation where
you really want them. You know what Im talking about
hereright?
Hey, were all on the same side, its us against them, et
cetera. And also, every single time you get them to laugh at
themselves, at the other girls, or at the clubs, at stripping,
whatever, this helps them shed a touch of the guilt that
deep down inside they all carry around with them.
The more doses of humor you supply her with to
lighten up her night, the more its going to hit her, sooner
or later, that youre the guy she should desperately be
trying to keep all for herself. And again, gee, however could
she possibly do a thing like that?
Heres another little note:
Be yourself!
Do you read me, general? Be your goddamned self.
When you go to a club, dress the way you normally dress.
Ive seen guys go out and buy five hundred dollar shirts
just to try and impress strippers. You know what they do
when they see something like this? They immediately get a
sticky, staining drink made at the bar, and they come over
and they spill it on the dope who thinks clothes impress
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them.
You have to understand, nothing like this is going to
make an impression on a stripper. They throw clothes on
the floor for a living. Most of them have more money than
you can dream of having. Fancy clothes mean absolutely
nothing to them. Nothing at all.
And, worse yet, theyll know when youre gone out and
scored new threads just to try and impress them. Nobody
used to hundred dollar suits gets into two thousand dollars
worth of suit and doesnt act different. You straighten out
imaginary wrinkles, you sit more carefully, watch what
youre doing, make a fuss if you accidentally wipe your
hands on your pants, et cetera.
These girls know the score. And, theyve had so many
pathetic bozos trying dressing up to impress them that
they know every wrinkle. I knew a guy who bought a Rolex
just to wear to a club to impress a stripper. Want to guess
who owned the Rolex by the end of the night? Want to
guess who never got laid for his troubles?
Now, Im not saying you cant wear nice clothes to a
club. What Im saying is, you have to wear them for you
not for the fucking strippers. Wear what youre
comfortable in. This is the whole point. You have to walk
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in there confidently. You own the place. You do what you
want. No one makes rules for you. No one judges you. You
are the man who surveys all that is front of him and who
passes out the judgments. No one else.
That is the attitude you have to have, and let me tell
you, guys with that attitude had better be comfortable in
their own skin, or the sharks will sniff them out and have a
fucking field day chewing the meat from their bones.
In other words, just to try and keep this short, you have
to just be yourself on all levels possible.
Now, okayyes, I knowI know Ive told you to
change this and that behavior and to pretend this is that
and that is this, blahblahblahblah, until youre wondering if
all of this is worth it. Well, it is. Take it from someone who
has nailed strippers from coast to coast, and on five other
continents (sorry, guys, I know Im your hero, but even I
havent found any strip clubs in Antarctica), stripper sex is
some of the best possible.
Let these nutzoid terrorist bastards blow themselves up
to get their seventy-two virgins. Any of you guys who have
laid a virgin recently, tell me, and be honest, you sons of
bitches, can you think of any more boring sex in your life?
Fucking virgins only works at two times in your life. When
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youre a virgin yourself and you dont need anyone
laughing at you while you try to figure out exactly what
youre supposed to be doing, and when youre so old that
you dont need anyone laughing at you while you try to do
all the things youve learned but are too tired to do
anymore.
No, stripper sex is about as close to heaven on earth as
it gets. These broads have the moves and the bodies to go
with them. Theyre beautiful, they know what you want
and theyre not too fucking prissy to give it to you.
Yes, stripper sex is absolutely worth going after. And,
its worth every single change you might have to make to
get it. But, what Im trying to tell you here is, that you
dont have to, and nay, shouldnt try to totally change
everything about yourself 100%.
The more you can be your natural self, the easier all of
this is going to come. Dress the way you normally do.
Dont put on a false face where you dont need to. If you
drink beer, then drink beer. Dont think you need to be
drinking whiskey to prove how tough or grown up or
mature or anything else you might want to prove you are.
Dont drink beer if you dont normally drink. Go ahead
and drink soda if thats what you drink.
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Youre the one who has to be in charge. You have to be
a confident, in charge guy who knows what he wants, does
what he wants, and who gets what he wants.
Because, believe me, if youre not doing and getting
what you want, its going to be them, doing and getting
what they want. And, man, you will be the one they are
doing it to and you will be the one they are getting it from.
And they will show you no mercy.
Oh, yeah.
CHAP T E R F OURT E E N
Last Call
Okay, thats pretty much it. Weve just got some last minute
pointers to go over and then its off to the nearest strip
club for you to start getting your hands on the stuff youve
been waiting for. I know Ive made it sound like its going
to take a lot of work, but for Jimney Christmas sake, guys,
look what were talking about here.
Were talking sex with strippers, man!
What could be better? What could be juicier? What
could be more fucking choice than that?
Anyway, before we forget, lets go over just a few more
details that will help make certain that you are looking at
clean seas and bright skiesall clear sailing for you guys
from here on in. Which means, first off, let me tell you
about the Phone Test.
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This one works like this. Wanting to test you, a stripper
will ask you for your phone number, promising to call you
soon. You, not being some cum-in-your-pants moron,
smile politely, you mention that such a thing sounds like a
fine idea, and you give her your number.
Sounds greatright? But then, she doesnt call. Wait a
day, wait a week, wait a fucking year, shes not going to call.
This is all on purpose. Trust me on this, this is all being
done so she can gauge your reaction to her saying shes
going to call, and then not doing it.
Whats the big deal, you ask. Whats this all about? As
always, I will explain.
First off, men have been saying they would call women
since two days after Alexander Graham Bell invented the
damn telephone. And, of course, they never do. For a lot of
strippers, this is a kind of payback. The bonus for them is,
if when you see them again, you go into a snit, bugging
them about why they didnt call, getting on their case for
not calling, making any kind of a stink about ithell, even
just asking about itthey will cut you off at the ankles.
You will have proved to them that you are just another
piece of male garbage, not worth their time.
The reasoning for many of them is that you are not
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only acting like a woman, but the kind of woman they
hate. They dont like most men to begin with, but who
wants some clinging, insecure whiner who obviously went
home and sat by the phone in his underwear with his dick
in his hand waiting for her to call? Fuck that, is their
motto.
Again, remember that these girls have not dozens or
scores of men after them, but hundreds, sometimes
thousands of guys begging them for dates, throwing
unbelievable sums at them just on the chance they might
show them some attention. Like magazine editors looking
for the slightest excuse to bounce a manuscript, theyre
running all men through the wringer, just waiting to see
which test they will fail so they can scrape their fucking
putrid remains off their plates and into the garbage where
they belong.
So, whats the answer, you say. Glad you asked.
What you have to do is keep your fucking mouth shut.
Period. When you see her, you have to act just the same as
always. Youre glad to see her, how ya doing? All the usual
warm and fuzzy bullshit. If you do this, if you just say
nothing, eventually she will bring up the fact that she
didnt call you to see what your reaction is to that.
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What you have to do here is play it cool. Give them
something on the order of:
Hey, youre a busy gal, thats cool. Or,
Oh yeah, you did say youd call, didnt you? Heck, you
know, Ive been so busy I kinda forgot.
In seconds, shes going to be apologizing to you. You, of
course, will be magnanimous and tell them its no big deal.
You know shell get around to it when she can. Believe me,
after that, she probably will because youve just given her
further proof that youre one of the guys she wants to get
away from the other girls clutches as soon as possible.
Another thing you have to remember is that just
because strippers are dangerous, its no reason for you to
avoid them or to worry about them. I know Ive been
laying it on pretty thick here. Ive called them all sorts of
names and Ive made them sound (well, I think I have,
anyway) like pretty scary bitches. Its true. I have and they
are. But, they cant hurt you if youre prepared for them.
Sharks are scary, right? Who isnt frightened by the
thought of some 2,000 pound Great White swallowing you
up to your waist and biting you in fucking half? Sharks are
goddamned monsters. But, if you know what a shark is,
and where they are, and how to handle them, suddenly
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your fear disappears. I mean, youre not afraid to go
swimming in a swimming pool, because you know there
are no sharks in swimming pools. You know youre safe
because the environment is secure.
Its the same for strippers. Once you know what to do
around them (which you now do), theyre not dangerous
anymore. No stripper is going to put a gun to your head
and demand your baby girls college fund. Why should she
bother? There are too many assholes throwing their
retirement accounts and the passwords to their 401Ks at
them for them to care about yours. Yes, strippers are scary,
but only to those who dont know how to handle them.
Automobiles can be pretty fucking scary if youre
trying to cross a busy street and theyre all whipping by at
ninety miles an hour. If youre behind the steering wheel,
however, theyre not scary at all.
In fact, you can use them against each other. How?
Thought youd never ask.
One absolutely terrific tactic I call The Jealousy Effect
works like a charm every time. And, oddly enough, its one
of the easiest tricks in the book, and one that guys
constantly overlook when the chance to use it comes their
way. Let me tell you all about it.
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Lets say youve been doing everything that Ive said
just as Ive told you to do it. Youve put all the little plans
into place and youre moving along at top speed. In fact,
youve already attracted the attention of one stripper who
hangs on your every word. Shes always spending her free
minutes with you, laughing at your jokes, fetching you
anything you ask for, seemingly ready, willing and oh, ever
so able to do anything you might want.
So, whats the problem?
The problem, as you see it, is that this chick is not the
one you want. Oh, shes a stripper and hot and all the rest,
but shes just not what youre looking for. You want
something else. For whatever reason, tit size, eye color,
waist sizeI dont know, shes Orthodox Jewish and youre
a Reform Druid who cares? Shes just not for you. If only
shed leave you alone so you can concentrate on the one
you want. Right?
No, you goofy Nimrod. Not right. In fact, as wrong as
you can get.
As Captain America once said, Make every
disadvantage an advantage.
This stripper whos following you around is your way
to everyone else in the club. Once any stripper sees you as a
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person and not as a cash cow, the others will, too. One
stripper taking an interest in you and being turned down is
ever better for you. The others will all soon start thinking,
ha, she wasnt woman enough for him, but Ill bet I could
get him to fuck me.
And this, brothers, is the way you want them.
Oh, fucking, yes!
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E P I L O GUE
Last Orders:
Taking Down The Enemy
Well, men, its been a rough row to hoe, but were here at
last, the end of the book. Ive given over just about
everything you need to conquer even strippers on your
quest to reach the sexual heights. And, Im telling you, once
youve had sex with a stripper, youre going to wonder
when all the other fucking chicks in this world are going to
catch on to what sex is all about.
Youre talking here with a guy whos had sex with
strippers hundreds of times, and believe me, it just gets
better and better. And, I guarantee you, once youve had
sex with any stripper in any club, most every other one will
be wondering what the big deal is and will be out to steal
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you away from the one that has you.
Before long, youll be having sex with a dozen of the girls
in the club at the same time. They will share you as a sex
partner the same way they were willing to share you as a
friend. You are their father confessor, their big daddy, the
only man who knows them and cares about them and loves
them they way theyve always known some man would.
Indeed, it wont be long before theyll all want you to
move in with them, or manage their monetary affairs. I
know this sounds wild, impossible, unbelievable, but it is
all absolutely true.
Now, before we close, I have to share with you one last
story. By this point you must be wondering how I know all
I know about strippers. I mean, how does someone figure
out that all the normal moves have to be done in reverse to
get their attention. Well, Ill admit the truth, it was totally
by accident that I stumbled across the secrets Ive been
sharing with you here.
Let me tell you all about it.
Years ago, I had a real thing about bikini trims and
shaved bushes. What can I say, Im a real jungle explorer. I
like a wild and wooly bush. Pussy manicured down to
where it looked like a putting green just didnt turn me on.
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So, when I went to a strip club with business associates or
pals who liked to hang out there, I acted the way Ive
described here because I simply wasnt that turned on by
these girls.
To put it as I used to in those days:
No hair, I dont care.
So, because I really didnt care and didnt want to lay
anyone I saw (dont forget, I was still getting all the sex I
could handle outside the clubs), these gals tried all the
harder to get my attention. Before I knew it, I was playing
them off one against the other just as a game. And,
amazingly, after I told a few of the girls about my aversion
to mowed bush, they quit the business and became
massage girls just so they could grow theirs out for me.
Before I knew it, all by accident, I understood the secret
that men had been chasing for years. And, I was banging
those first two like Babe Ruth belting homers out of the
parklong, far and often.
And that is the story. Eventually, obviously, I got over
my crazy avoidance thing and started banging every
stripper in sight, a pleasing pastime I enjoy unto this very
day. And this is the rapturous joy I wish for all of you, my
brothers, the unbelievable fun of stripper sex.
143
I salute each one of you noble bastards that bought this
book because you are willing and daring enough to take
this most ultimate of challenges. Its one thing to not go
gay in this modern, PC world of ours. Its another to chase
tail like our fathers did knowing that theres a shrill
feminist lawyer behind every fucking tree looking to haul
our asses in front of some judge to get us locked up for
harassment. In fact, that thrill alone is one shared by a
smaller and smaller number of men as the world turns into
a humorless, barren wasteland, shriveled by the nannies
and do-gooders and fucked-up wretches out to destroy
everyones good time.
But you, you wonderful guys who are actually wild
enough to go after stripper sexgod bless you. I say this
from the bottom of my heart, you dont know how it stirs
me, the thrill it gives me to know there are real men left in
this country. Men who not only want to get laid, but who
have the guts and the balls to go after the best, who want to
get laid as only the greatest men of all time have gotten laid.
I say it again, stripper sex is the best sex you will ever
have. And why? Do they know more than prostitutes? No,
of course not. But, you pay a prostitute. Of course shes
going to lay you. Thats her job. Of course shes good at it.
144
Thats what she does all day.
But, when you can get your hands on some stripper
sex, you know youve gotten the best. You are in an elite
cadre of sex machines, the numbers of which are
dwindling smaller and smaller every day.
Strippers dont have to have sex with anyone. You cant
pay them to do it. In fact, paying them almost guarantees
you wont get any sex. So, to get it, to have it given to you,
to have it thrust upon you, this is the ultimate, man, this is
the be all and end all of sexual adventures. And you, you
daring, glorious SOBs, you make me proud to be a man.
Knowing you guys are out there is stirring, its life
affirming. It is what I have been working for in my books
and CDs. It is the best news any real man can receive, that
the world is still filled with rip-snorting wild men, fireballs
with iron in their bones, ramrods for spines, and lightning
filled eyes who wont be satisfied until theyve tasted all of
life on their terms!
Go forth, you hell raisers, get what youre after, drink it
down to the very last dregs, taste every bit of life you ever
dreamed of, and then ...
Well then ...
Do it all the over again!
145

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