THE JERK OFF / THE JERK

Louie Spec Script

Written by
Scott Leger

North Hollywood, CA
scottlegercgg@gmail.com
303.898.9385

TITLES SEQUENCE.
INT. COMEDY CELLAR -- NIGHT
LOUIE is on stage, midway through a stand-up routine.
LOUIE
Isnt it amazing how getting older
forces you to unlearn at least half
of what your parents taught you?
Thats the majority of adulthood
actually, just navigating the
minefield of your parents lies.
When I was little, so like 170
pounds, those were my little
days...when I was young I saw a guy
driving a Ferrari, and I knew that
money was a thing but I didnt
really grasp the point of it yet.
So I asked my Dad how rich people
got rich. You know what he said?
Hard work.
(laughter)
Yeah. Exactly. And he believed it!
Fifty years ago everybody believed
that. Thats all it took. Hard
work. Nothing else. Heres how I
know thats bullshit: If it was all
about hard work, then Mexicans
would run everything and white
people would be broke.
(laughter)
Its true! White people are by far,
by far, the laziest racial group.
No contest. And somehow were on
top! Who knows. Hundreds of years
of prejudice and human suffering,
maybe. That might be it. So I think
when white parents say work hard,
they really mean just get out
there and be white, good things
will happen.
(laughter)
Alright you guys have a good night.
The crowd APPLAUDS as Louie walks off stage.
Louie ducks into a nearby hallway.
TODD (O.S.)
Nice set, cocksucker.

2.
Louie spins around to see TODD, grinning.
LOUIE
Hey man! Where the hell have you
been?
TODD
Just finished 15 cities in 17 days.
Havent jerked off in weeks.
Louie laughs.
LOUIE
Jesus, what are you doing here?
TODD
Watching you jerk off.
LOUIE
Yeah, yeah.
TODD
Hey what are you doing tomorrow?
You have the girls?
LOUIE
Yeah, Im taking them to the zoo.
TODD
Shit.
LOUIE
What?
TODD
I got a couple tickets to a Mets
game, you wanna hire a babysitter
or something?
LOUIE
(youre nuts)
You want me to cancel the trip to
the zoo with my daughters...so I
can watch the Mets?
TODD
Yeah, watch the Mets, get drunk,
spot the weird tits in attendance,
whatever man.

3.
LOUIE
No, I dont want to do that. I can
think of like eight hundred things
I would do before that. I would rub
sunscreen on Hitlers ass crack
before Id go to a Mets game.
TODD
Jesus. Okay, fine. Ill try again
when I have Cher tickets, you fag.
Louie pats him on the shoulder.
LOUIE
Hey if you skip the game you could
jerk off all afternoon.
Todd flips him off.
INT. LOUIES APARTMENT -- NIGHT
Louie unlocks the door and walks into his apartment.
Jane sits on the couch, watching TV.
JANE
Howd it go?
LOUIE
Eh. Wheres Lily?
JANE
She went to bed on her own.
Louie sits down next to Jane.
LOUIE
Thats a first. What are you
watching?
JANE
Nothing really.
LOUIE
You should get some rest. Help me
keep up with your sister tomorrow.
JANE
Trust me, shell be unstoppable.
Goodnight Daddy.
Jane hugs Louie.

4.
LOUIE
Goodnight. Try not to wake her up
when you go in.
Jane walks to her room.
Louie grabs the remote and starts flipping through channels:
Sports.
News.
Sports in Spanish.
News in Spanish.
Boobs.
Movie.
Back to Boobs.
Louies eyes PERK UP at the sight of a topless woman in a
cheesy cable skin flick.
Louie looks towards his daughters bedroom and sees the door
closed and the light off.
Louie returns his attention to the naked woman on screen.
Louie reaches for his belt buckle, which he starts to take
off until---when he HEARS a door open.
Louie changes the channel and tries to act normal.
Lily walks into the living room.
Hey Daddy.

LILY

LOUIE
Hey, did Jane wake you up?
LILY
No, I just woke up on my own. I
went to bed early so I would have
extra energy for tomorrow.
LOUIE
(dry)
Thats great.

5.
LILY
Are you having trouble sleeping
because youre excited too?
No.

LOUIE

LILY
I was earlier, but I concentrated
really hard and fell asleep. But
now Im awake. Daddy?
Louie sighs.
Yes?

LOUIE

LILY
Can I have a glass of water?
LOUIE
Yes, you know where the glasses
are.
Lily sighs, as though a victim of cruel and unusual
punishment.
LOUIE
The extra walk will help make you
tired again.
LILY
(totally earnest)
No it wont.
Lily sulks to the kitchen, shoulders down as she grabs a
glass out of a cupboard at a painfully slow speed.
She walks over to the fridge and puts her glace under the ice
dispenser. The fridge gurgles, SLOWLY dropping in a couple
cubes.
Lily uses the filtered water spout, which fills her glass at
an equally slow rate.
Louies face looks like he might explode any minute.
Lilys water finally finishes and she walks over to the couch
and sits down next to Louie.
LILY
Whatcha watching?
Louie looks aghast.

6.
LOUIE
No. Lily, its bedtime.
LILY
But I went to bed at bedtime and
now Im not tired.
LOUIE
Concentrate on sleeping really hard
again, that worked last time. If
you stay up now youll be tired
tomorrow, I promise.
Ohh-kayy.

LILY

Lily shuffles back to her room.

Louie thinks about his options.
LATER
Louie rifles through a messenger bag, pulling out a laptop.
He searches the bags pockets for something else, coming up
with nothing.
Louie flings open drawers, searches through jacket pockets,
checks under stacks of papers.
He lifts up a t-shirt to REVEAL a pair of white headphones.
Louie grabs them and the laptop and silently glides towards
the bathroom.
INSIDE THE BATHROOM, Louie closes the door behind him, double
checking that its locked.
Louie sets his laptop on the sink and sits down on the
toilet, dropping his pants around his ankles.
He plugs his headphones into the computer and places a single
earbud in his left ear.
Legs sprawled out, hes finally situated.
Louie sighs.
And opens up his computer to see---his BATTERY indicator is nearly empty.
MUSIC CUE: A classical symphony highlights the absurdity of
the situation.

7.

Louie pulls up a PORN SITE and clicks on a video.

The video starts BUFFERING, spinning and spinning without
playing a frame of anything.
Louie looks at his Wifi indicator: EMPTY.
LOUIE
(whispered)
Oh, fuck you!
Louie takes out his phone, plugging his headphones into it
and holding it with one hand in front of his face.
Louies other hand travels down until its off screen.
He flips his phone towards his body, clicking a few links.
The DISTANT sound of moaning comes from his ear bud.
Louies upper body starts to shake back and forth as he takes
care of himself down below.
Louies o-face is hideous, and were way too close for our
own comfort.
The MOANING on the earpiece gets louder and louder.
Louies gyrating becomes more and more furious, quietly
shaking the toilet seat back and forth.
Louie contorts his shoulder against the seat, pinning it in
place and keeping his stealth operation silent.
The MOANING on the headphones becomes SCREAMING, building
towards-A KNOCK at the door-Sends Louie into a full-blown freakout, his phone slipping
from his fingers...
And falling into the TOILET.
Louie grabs the phone immediately, splashing toilet water all
over his crotch.
Louie looks towards the door, suddenly self-conscious of the
strange noises hes been making.
LILY (O.S.)
Daddy? Are you okay?

8.
LOUIE
Yes! What do you want?!
LILY (O.S.)
I drank the water too fast.
Louie frowns, dripping wet, swimming in his frustrations.
ACT BREAK
INT. LOUIES APARTMENT -- MORNING
Louie is woken up by his daughters jumping on his bed.
JANE
Da-ddy! Da-ddy!
LILY
Zoo day da-ddy!
JANE
Zoo day!
Louie chuckles as he rolls over.
LOUIE
Alright! Alright! Zoo day. Yes.
EXT. CITY STREET -- DAY
Louie and his daughters walk down the street.
JANE
Come on, Da-ddy. Weve got to see
Shirley!
LOUIE
Is Shirley a friend from school?
LILY
Shirley is a gorilla. Janes class
studied her.
LOUIE
What is there to learn about a
single gorilla?
Jane shrugs.

9.
JANE
Shes a girl.
LOUIE
Thats it?
JANE
And I like her.
LILY
Better start saving for Harvard,
Dad.
Louie smiles, then quickly hides it when Jane looks at him.
LOUIE
(to Lily)
Be nice.
They walk by a hot dog stand on the street.
JANE
Daddy can I have a hot dog?
LOUIE
No.
JANE
Why not?
LOUIE
Theyre not good for you.
JANE
I dont care. They taste good.
LOUIE
Theyre not healthy. You have to
eat healthy or youll end up
looking like me.
JANE
Oh.
This seems to settle the argument, until...
LILY
But Daddy, why can you eat things
that arent healthy for you?

10.
LOUIE
Because Im an adult. Im allowed
to make my own choices.
JANE
That sounds like fun.
LOUIE
(dry)
You have no idea.
INT. SUBWAY CAR
Louie and the girls sit next to an elderly couple.
AT THE OTHER END, an ACAPELLA GROUP in Suits and Ties stand
up and address the commuters.
ACAPELLA GROUP LEADER
Hello everyone! Were with the
Church of Rejuvenation and we want
to brighten your day with a song we
wrote about living a pure life.
Hope you like it, goes like this...
One of the Young Men blows into a Pitch Pipe.
ACAPELLA GROUP
(singing)
Oh premarital sex, its a sin /
When you drop your pants you let
the devil in/ If you get pregnant
before marriage / God will kill
your baby in its carriage!
Louie looks super uncomfortable.
He grabs both of his girls hands and leads them in the
opposite direction of the Acapella group.
LILY
Daddy, where are we going?
LOUIE
Uh, were just moving train cars.
LILY
Its because they were singing
about sex in a weird way, right?
LOUIE
Uh yup, thats it.

11.
Louie opens the connecting compartment and leads the girls
into a new car.
They sit down next to a TEENAGE GIRL listening to her iPod.
Just as Louie exhales, a WOMAN nearby jumps out of her seat.
WOMAN
Oh no you did not just grab my ass!
You fucking pervert! What the fuck
you thinking?!
A MAN stands to defend his reputation.
MAN
Lady I didnt touch shit! Your ass
is so big it could have been any of
us in this row, god damn.
WOMAN
Are you serious? I mean are you
serious?!
REVEAL that Louie has already grabbed both daughters and is
leading them to the next subway car.
IN THE NEXT CAR...
Sounds of PUKING reverberate throughout the interior.
LOUIE
Cover your mouth, girls!
Both girls use their free hand to cover their mouths.
Louie isnt so lucky, as both his hands are tied up leading
his girls to safety.
They walk past a COLLEGE BRO vomiting all over a seat.
They finally make it to the next car...
And sit down next to a rather NORMAL LOOKING ASIAN MAN. Louie
sits directly next to the man, giving his girls a buffer just
to be safe.
Louie breathes a sigh of relief.
The girls wipe their eyes and scratch their noses.
Louie starts to get comfortable when out of the blue--

12.
ASIAN MAN
(to no one in particular)
Theyre watching us.
Louie looks up and down the Subway car.
He sees nothing of interest.
Who?

LOUIE

The Asian Man leans in close.

ASIAN MAN
The Rockettes. Theyve got
eyes...everywhere.
Louie leans back and thinks for a moment.
He shrugs slightly and settles into his seat.
EXT. ZOO ENTRANCE -- DAY
Louie and the girls approach the entrance of the zoo.
A large banner overhead reads: BRONX ZOO
Jane looks at it, puzzled.
JANE
Daddy, whats a bronx? Is it fuzzy?
Do they have one?
LILY
Its a neighborhood, silly.
JANE
It sounds fuzzy.
Louie is looking around for a ticket kiosk.
LILY
Daddy have you been here before?
LOUIE
No baby I havent.
LILY
Do you not like animals?

13.
LOUIE
No I love animals, its just that
once you grow up, its not as much
fun to go to the zoo anymore.
LILY
Whys that?
LOUIE
I dont know, I guess Ive seen
most of the animals before, so...
LILY
You dont like animals.
LOUIE
Just help me look for the ticket
desk.
Louie pivots and sees it.
LOUIE
There it is, come on!
Louie and the girls walk over to the ticket office.
They EXIT the FRAME as a PAIR of WHITE TENNIS SHOES enter.
OFF-SCREEN, the sound of a MAN spitting out his gum...
...which lands on the ground next to his shoes.
A SMALLER PAIR of WHITE TENNIS SHOES enter next to him.
MANS VOICE (O.S.)
Okay, ready? Lets go.
EXT. TICKET OFFICE -- DAY
Louie finishes buying tickets for himself and the girls.
CASHIER
Okay, that will be 125.99 but we
have a special on our audio tours
today, I can give you 3 for the
price of 1 which brings your total
to 149.99?
LOUIE
Whats the audio tour?

14.
CASHIER
Its an audio recording featuring
expert information on all of the
animals and exhibits in the park.
LOUIE
Like what, exactly?
CASHIER
I dont know, I havent taken it.
LOUIE
Just give me the tickets.
CASHIER
Yes sir, cash or credit?
Louie hands him a credit card.
EXT. SEAL EXHIBIT -- DAY
Louie and the girls watch the seals play with each other.
EXT. GIRAFFE EXHIBIT -- DAY
Louie does his best to impersonate a giraffe despite his
shapely incompatibility.
Both his girls laugh at the bit.
EXT. LION CUB EXHIBIT -- DAY
Louie and the girls look on in awe as lion cubs play with
each other.
LOUIE
You want to go see Shirley now?
JANE
I want to save it for the very end!
Just like desert. Best for last.
LOUIE
Okay, youre the boss. What next?
LILY
We havent seen the lizards yet.

15.
JANE
Ew!
LILY
I like them! I think theyre cool.
LOUIE
To the reptiles?
EXT. REPTILE EXHIBIT -- DAY
Louie and Lily have their faces pressed to the glass,
completely fascinated by something happening inside the
exhibit. Jane covers her eyes.
JANE
I cant look.
LOUIE
This is going to be something!
LILY
Jane, its so cool, you have to see
it!
A CROWD around them Ooos and Ahhs as they watch something
OFF-SCREEN.
SUDDENLY, Louie and Lily and the rest of the crowd scream in
delight.
REVEAL...
A large lizard has a BIG LUMP of something in his throat.
The bulge moves slightly and the crowd murmurs in reaction.
LOUIE
You girls hungry?
Jane sulks.
JANE
Very funny Daddy.
Lily smiles at her father.
LILY
That was awesome.

16.
SUDDENLY, a voice over the loudspeakers cuts the silence.
INTERCOM VOICE (V.O.)
Hello patrons of the Bronx Zoo. Due
to high ticket volume and park
regulations, we will be closing the
Shirley Silverback Gorilla exhibit
early at 4pm today. We apologize in
advance for an inconvenience.
Louie looks at a nearby clock that reads: 3:37
He looks back at the distraught faces of his daughters.
CUT TO:
EXT. ZOO WALKWAY -- DAY
Louie and his girls RUN towards the exhibit, huffing and
puffing as they dig deep to make it in time.
They round a corner to see...
A HUGE LINE outside the Shirley exhibit.
Louie tries to reassure his daughters.
LOUIE
Come on, lets get in line just in
case.
JANE
Daddy were going to miss it!
LOUIE
Well, yeah, maybe.
JANE
(angry)
Daddy!
LOUIE
Hey, stuff happens, you wanted
desert, remember.
BEHIND THEM, a pair of WHITE TENNIS shoes get in line.
They belong to THE JERK (40s) wearing a tight T-shirt and
holding the hand of his SON. (9-ish)

17.
THE JERK
Ready to see some monkeys?
SON OF THE JERK
Yeah! We were talking about monkeys
in class.
THE JERK
Oh yeah, whatd you learn?
SON OF THE JERK
My science teacher told me about
evolution and how we came from
monkeys.
THE JERK
Well, hes an idiot. Dont listen
to him. If we came from monkeys,
how come theres still monkeys
around, huh? Id like to see your
teacher explain that.
The Son contemplates this.
Behind him, Louie clenches his teeth in anger.

ACT BREAK

EXT. SHIRLEY EXHIBIT -- AFTERNOON

Louie and the girls wait in line as they get closer to the
entrance.
Jane jumps up and down nervously.
JANE
Oh daddy were not going to make
it!
As they get closer to the front, Louie looks at some Zoo
employees nervously counting heads.
Louie shouts to them.
LOUIE
Hi, excuse me, what are you doing?

18.
A FEMALE ZOO STAFFER (30s) walks up to Louie.
ZOO STAFFER
The exhibit is almost at capacity
for the day, sir. Were determining
a head count.
LOUIE
No, thats stupid, you said it
closes at 4 today.
ZOO STAFFER
Yes sir, the exhibit closes at 4pm
because we are dangerously close to
exceeding our head count for the
day. Its a very popular exhibit.
Louie wants to start an argument but thinks better about it.
Louie and the girls get closer and closer to the entrance.
JANE
Oh Daddy its so close!
LOUIE
I know, I know.
The get EVEN CLOSER to the entrance.
The Zoo Staffer walks back up to them.
ZOO STAFFER
Sir, Im terribly sorry but youll
be the last ones in the exhibit.
LOUIE
What? No, thats great!
ZOO STAFFER
Sir we only have two openings left.
LOUIE
What?
ZOO STAFFER
Only two of you can see the exhibit
or well be over capacity.
LOUIE
Youre kidding me.

19.
ZOO STAFFER
No sir, Im terribly sorry, there
are regulations in place for
endangered species and were
subject to random investigations.
LOUIE
Jesus, okay one sec.
Louie kneels down and huddles up with his girls.
LOUIE
Okay, so I cant leave you alone,
we cant all go, I dont know what
to do girls, I mean-ZOO STAFFER (O.S.)
(friendly)
Enjoy!
Louie suddenly looks up.
The Zoo Staffer is pulling a velvet rope in front of them.
Louie spins around and looks behind him.
The Jerk and his Son are gone.
Louie looks ahead to see them walking inside the exhibit.
LOUIE
Wait a minute!
ZOO STAFFER
Im sorry sir, were over capacity.
See our ticket office about a
voucher.
LOUIE
But we were deciding!
ZOO STAFFER
Im sorry, I thought you werent
interested.
Louie sees the look on Janes face and starts fuming.
LOUIE
(to his girls)
Come on.

20.
Louie grabs both of his girls hands and walks away with a
purpose.
EXT. ZOO ENTRANCE -- DAY
Louie hurriedly talks to the cashier.
He buys the audio tour for both girls, putting headphones on
their heads and PLAYING the recording.
JANE
Daddy, mines kinda loud.
LOUIE
Good. Keep it loud.
EXT. MONKEY CAGE -- DAY
Louie SEES the Jerk and his son just getting out of the
exhibit.
Louie tries to explain himself to his daughters.
LOUIE
Okay, stay right here, watch the
monkeys, Ill be right over there
where I can see you.
LILY
Are you going to go yell at him
Daddy?
LOUIE
Im going to go talk to him.
Louie looks at Jane but she doesnt react.
LOUIE
Okay, be good.
Louie rushes over to the The Jerk who steps aside to talk on
his cell phone while his son plays nearby.
The SOUND of Louies HEARTBEAT racing as he walks up.
LOUIE
Hey! Hey man that wasnt cool,
okay? I saw what you did, and that
was not cool.

21.
The Jerk turns around, sizing up Louie.
Jane WATCHES from nearby, the audio of the Zoo tour guide
playing through her headphones.
She watches Louie and the Jerk argue with one another.
They make large gestures, pointing back towards where they
stood in line.
AUDIO GUIDE (V.O.)
...when a male is challenged, he
responds by grunting rhythmically,
establishing his territory. A
similar version of this grunting is
used in mating rituals.
Jane grows bored and turns back towards the Giraffes.
MEANWHILE, the argument continues.
THE JERK
What do you want me to say? That
Im an asshole? Fine! Im an
asshole. What does that make you,
the world asshole police?
LOUIE
Yeah thats exactly right. I was
nominated by a special committee
and elected in a unanimous vote of
World Assholes. Im suprised I
didnt see you there.
THE JERK
Come on guy, what do you want me to
say?
LOUIE
Nothing! I just wanted to let you
know my daughter has been looking
forward to this for weeks. Thats
it.
THE JERK
Well, so has my son.
LOUIE
Oh okay, yeah, great, how come your
son is more important than my
daughter, huh?

22.
THE JERK
Look, he just is, okay, lets leave
it at that.
LOUIE
Wow. Just...I cant believe it.
That is a special way to go through
life. I mean when you wake up in
the morning, do you tell yourself-The Jerk cuts him off.
THE JERK
Hes got cancer.
This stops Louie cold.
LOUIE
(soft)
What?
THE JERK
Hes going to die.
Louie has heard this one before.
LOUIE
Bullshit.
THE JERK
(heartfelt)
I wish.
Louie sizes up The Jerk, looking in his eyes.
LOUIE
Jesus Christ are you serious?!?
THE JERK
Well, I dont know. Probably. He
goes in for surgery next week.
Louie stands mouth agape, his brain and body frozen.
LOUIE
Oh my God. Oh my God.
THE JERK
(choking up)
The odds arent good, you know?
Its, uh, spread.
(MORE)

23.
THE JERK (CONT'D)
The, uh, you know...the thing. Its
in his heart and lungs.
Louie suddenly becomes aware of his own behavior.
LOUIE
I am so sorry. I, I didnt know.
THE JERK
Its okay. I just want to give him
a really great week, you know? Just
in case. But, I mean I shouldnt
have cut you, Im sorry. I didnt
think, I just went for it. Hes
been really bummed out lately, I
didnt want him to miss this one.
LOUIE
Jesus. Fuck. Dont they give you a
specialty pass and a escort or
something?
THE JERK
Yeah a pass and a nametag and a
hundred photographs with strangers
and a whole bunch of people staring
at him likes a fucking zombie.
Fuck that.
LOUIE
Shit. I feel horrible.
JERK
Imagine how he feels.
LOUIE
(lost)
I cant.
Louie and The Jerk share a moment.
LOUIE
You let me yell at you! Why didnt
you say something?
THE JERK
I kinda enjoyed it. When your kid
has cancer everyones real nice to
you. Its annoying, actually. I
grew up in Jersey. I was raised on
people yelling at each other. It
lets you know they care.
(MORE)

24.
THE JERK (CONT'D)
Not a lot of people care about
stuff anymore. Youre a good
father, I can tell. A bit of a
weirdo, but a good father.
LOUIE
Whens your sons surgery?
THE JERK
Next week.
LOUIE
What day?
THE JERK
Thursday, at noon.
LOUIE
Whats his name?
THE JERK
Sam.
LOUIE
Sam. Ill, uh, say a prayer for
him.
THE JERK
You dont believe in that sort of
thing, do you?
LOUIE
Cant hurt.
The Jerk GRABS Louie and pulls him in for a hug, slapping him
on the back.
The Jerk separates and nods at Louie before returning to his
son nearby.
Louie tries to process things as he watches The Jerk hug his
son.
Louie turns and walks over to his daughters, who have long
lost interest in his confrontation.
LILY
Did you talk to him Daddy?
LOUIE
Yeah.

25.
LILY
Was he a jerk?
LOUIE
No, baby, I was.
Jane is off in her own world, staring at the ground.
Louie kneels down next to her.
LOUIE
Hey, sweetheart, Im sorry you
didnt get to see Shirley. But
believe me...you werent meant to.
And thats weird to say, but its a
good thing. Everything happened
just like it was supposed to today
and we can come back some other
time, okay?
JANE
But what if shes gone by then?
LOUIE
I dont know, baby, I dont know.
Look, all I know is that there are
amazing things everywhere if you
just stop to look at them. And the
more that you look, the more that
you see.
Louie gestures towards the city.
LOUIE
We are so lucky, you know? We live
in a giant zoo full of humans and
cars and dogs and all sorts of
crazy things that happen every
single day. Theres a whole world
out there and youve got time to
explore it. Ill tell you, the way
to be happy in life is to always
look for something to be happy
about. And more than anything, I
just want you to-JANE
(interrupting)
Daddy?
Louie stops mid sentence, trying to get a read on his
daughter.

26.
LOUIE
Yeah baby?
JANE
Im hungry.
Louie smiles at his daughter, relief and redemption all over
his face.
We can almost read his mind: Everything is going to be okay.
MUSIC CUE.
EXT. NYC STREET -- AFTERNOON
Louie and the girls order Hot Dogs from a street-side vendor.
ROLL CREDITS.

END OF EPISODE