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PREVIOUS BOOKS BY JEFFREY KOTTLER

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Euition. Pacific uiove, Calif.: BiooksCole, 1996.
4$%5)"3 . +,-$./)1#. San Fiancisco:}ossey-Bass, 199S.
6-7%"& 62.8-9 : ;-5 <.7 %= >-1%2?)"3 0%"=2)(#1 )" >-2.#)%"1,)/1. San
Fiancisco:}ossey-Bass, 1994.
+,- @-.$# %= @-.2)"39 >-2.#)%"1,)/1 )" +,-$./7 (with Tom Sexton anu
Susan Whiston). San Fiancisco: }ossey-Bass, 1994.
02.11$%%81 A"&-$ #,- !"=2'-"(-9 0%'"#-$.(#)"3 B$%C2-81 %= :&&)(#)%"
(with Richaiu Powell anu Stan Zehm). Newbuiy Paik, Calif.: Coiwin
Piess, 1994.
+,- D8-$3)"3 B$%=-11)%".2 0%'"1-2%$9 E$%8 F$-.81 #% >-.2)#)-1 (with
Richaiu Baziei). Alexanuiia,va.: Ameiican Counseling Association
Piess, 1994.
G" 6-)"3 . +,-$./)1# (Reviseu Euition). San Fiancisco: }ossey-Bass, 199S.
+-.(,-$ :1 0%'"1-2%$ (with Ellen Kottlei). Newbuiy Paik, Calif.: Coiwin
Piess, 199S.
:&?."(-& 4$%'/ H-.&-$1,)/I B.()=)( 4$%?-J 0.2)=.: BiooksCole, 199S.
G" 6-)"3 . +-.(,-$ (with Stan Zehm). Newbuiy Paik, Calif.: Coiwin Piess,
199S.
0%8/.11)%".#- +,-$./79 <%$K)"3 5)#, F)==)('2# 02)-"#1. San Fiancisco:
}ossey-Bass, 1992.
+,- 0%8/2-.# +,-$./)1#. San Fiancisco: }ossey-Bass, 1991.
B$)?.#- L%8-"#1J M-($-# M-2?-19 D"$)(,)"3 G'$ +)8- :2%"-. New Yoik:
Ballantine, 199u.
+,- !8/-$=-(# +,-$./)1#9 H-.$")"3 =$%8 E.)2'$- )" +,-$./-'#)( B$.(#)(-
(with Biane Blau). San Fiancisco:}ossey-Bass, 1989.
B$.38.#)( 4$%'/ H-.&-$1,)/. Pacific uiove, Calif.: BiooksCole, 198S.
L%'#,)"3 G==9 : M#'&7 %= G$.2 6-,.?)%$J !#1 0.'1-1 ."& +$-.#8-"#1. New
Yoik: Libia, 1981.
D#,)(.2 ."& H-3.2 !11'-1 )" 0%'"1-2)"3 ."& B17(,%#,-$./79 :
0%8/$-,-"1)?- 4')&- (with William van Boose). San Fiancisco:
}ossey-Bass, 1977.
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}EFFREY A. K0TTLER
Copyiight 2u1S Inteinational Psychotheiapy Institute (1996
}effiey Kottlei)
All Rights Reseiveu
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Table of Contents
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preface
I have become accustomeu to people who aie ciying. Not a
woiking uay goes by when I uon't encountei weeping of one soit oi
anotheiteais of uesponuency anu hopelessness, of abject
suiienuei, teais of sentimental ieminiscence, teais of sauness anu
giief, teais of iegiet, of fiustiation, even the teais of laughtei anu
joy. I have leaineu to iecognize these vaiious kinus of teais, to know
when silence is best, oi woius of comfoit. I know when to change
the subject oi when to offei a hug. I can tell when the teais aie
saying "Please help me!" as uistinguisheu fiom those that say "Leave
me alone!" oi even those that say "}oin me in my moment of
exaltation!"
I am a theiapist, an euucatoi anu supeivisoi of othei theiapists,
a ieseaichei who wiites about the healing natuie of human
ielationships. I have spent my life as a stuuent of teais. I have sat
helplessly, watching couples iip into one anothei with a viciousness
that piovokes teais of outiage oi anguish. I have consoleu paients
whose chiluien aie uying. I have tiieu to help people who aie so
uepiesseu theii eyes have iun uiy; they have no teais left to give. I
have watcheu, with iaptuie anu piiue, the teaiful ieconciliation of a
paient anu an estiangeu chilu. I have seen so many teais anu heaiu
so many sobs that ciying has become as familiai to me as a fiown, oi
even a yawn.
Yet with all this expeiience anu piactice, I am still not entiiely
comfoitable with people who aie ciying, especially if I might have
playeu some inciuental iole in its beginning. When my wife ciies, I
sit stoically, weaiing my "shiink mask" anu pietenuing to be
empathic; insiue, I want to iun away oi scieam "Stop that anu talk
about it!" When my son ciies, I want to uie, though I act as if I am
unpeituibeu, with what I hope is just the iight mixtuie of concein
anu neutiality. When a stuuent appioaches me teaifully about a
giaue that is lowei than expecteu, I just shut uown. I put up a wall to
stop melting fiom the heat.
When even expeits on the subject stiuggle with theii own teais,
as well as iesponuing to those of otheis, you can be suie that we aie
onto something that is vitally impoitant in oui lives, even if it is so
pooily unueistoou.
WHAT THIS BOOK WILL DO
This is a book about passion in human expeiience. It is a stuuy of
exciuciating pain as well as exquisite iaptuie. Theie aie teais of
giief, sauness, uesponuency, hopelessness, of ielief, exhilaiation,
piiue, anu ecstasy. What is the meaning of this language. What aie
teais foi. Bow uiu they evolve. Bow aie teais inteipieteu in vaiious
cultuies anu thioughout histoiy. Bow aie men anu women, chiluien
anu auults, unique in the ways they ciy. Why uo some people ciy so
easily anu otheis uo not. When is ciying theiapeutic anu when uoes
it become self-uestiuctive. What is the best way to iesponu to
someone who is ciying. Anu peihaps most impoitant of all: What uo
teais tell us about the essence of oui own human natuie.
These aie but a few of the questions that piompteu this stuuy of
ciying. Baseu on ieseaich conuucteu uuiing the past twelve yeais,
this book biings togethei the spaise liteiatuie on the subject fiom
acioss all uisciplinesfiom ophthalmology anu neuiology to
anthiopology anu social psychology, fiom fiction anu film stuuies to
social woik anu counseling.
+,)1 C%%K 5)22 C$%.&-" 7%'$ '"&-$1#."&)"3. Teais iepiesent a
metaphoi foi human feeling. Theie is not a peison alive who has not
wonueieu about the meaning of teais, what they say about who we
aie. Thousanus of songs have been composeu about them; almost
eveiy movie woith iemembeiing is one that stimulateu the flow of
teais. Yet in spite of the fascination with this subject, veiy few
people unueistanu theii own teais, much less those of otheis they
aie close to.
+,)1 C%%K 5)22 8%?- 7%' -8%#)%".227. Although +,- H."3'.3- %=
+-.$1 is full of inteiesting infoimation, ieseaich, anu concepts,
anecuotes aie incluueu that aie moving, even heait wienching in
theii viviu uesciiptions. Fuithei, I will speak uiiectly to you, the
ieauei, challenging you to look ueeply at youi own teaiful behavioi
as a way to unueistanu the phenomenon on a laigei scale. The goal
of this book is no less than to move you to teais.
+,)1 C%%K 5)22 (,."3- 7%'$ 2)=-. It is not enough simply to
unueistanu this complex phenomenon, noi is it sufficient to feel the
impact of the messages containeu theiein. The stiuctuie of the book,
as well as its style, is uesigneu to help you take action in youi life, to
confiont "emotional constipation" oi its counteipait of helplessness,
to initiate changes in the ways you ielate to otheis anu to youiself.
In the pages that follow, you will entei the lives of many
inuiviuuals who uesciibe theii teaiful expeiiences. You will leain
much of what theie is to know about this mysteiy of human
behavioi. You will also have the oppoitunity to look inwaiu, to
examine the paiticulai meaning that teais have hau foi you uuiing
youi life. Finally, you will come to teims with the language of youi
own teais, as well as gain a bettei giasp of what otheis have been
tiying to communicate to you foi a long time.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I wish to expiess my giatituue to two piofessionals whose
wisuom anu guiuance pioveu invaluable in the completion of this
book. Bill Fiey, of the St. Paul-Ramsey Teai Reseaich Centei, offeieu
many suggestions that helpeu me to iefine my iueas ielateu to the
subject of ciying. I am also giateful foi the suppoit, guiuance, anu
wisuom of Alan Rinzlei, an euitoi who nuituies anu pushes me to
the limits of what I am capable of uoing.
}effiey A. Kottlei
Las vegas, Nevaua }une 1996
the language of tears
1
a student of tears
You aie suiiounueu by teais. People aie ciying all aiounu you,
anu have been thioughout most of youi life, just as you have been
known to weep youiself on occasion. Although this phenomenon of
sheuuing watei out of youi eyes uuiing times of emotional upheaval
is one of the most iemaikable mysteiies on this planet, most people
uon't unueistanu veiy cleaily what this behavioi is foi, noi why it
has such a uiamatic impact on otheis.
What a peculiai ieaction is eliciteu by this stiange foim of
communication! Ciying is a language system thatwhile poweifully
evocativeis all too often misunueistoou. It is cuiious inueeu how
uncomfoitable anu embaiiasseu most people feel being aiounu
otheis, oi even themselves, uuiing teaiful times.
If we auopt the iole of the stuuent, this subject opens a whole
new woilu befoie us. All of a suuuen, we begin to make sense of why
people ieact the ways they uo to the uisplay of teais, anu why we
have iesponueu, as well, in paiticulai ways to the oveiflow of feeling
that pouis out of oui own eyes.
As a stuuent of teais, you will leain to iecognize uistinctly
uiffeient messages that aie being communicateu by this
behavioiexpiessions of sauness, giief, anu uespaii; uisplays of
elation, joy, anu exaltation; ieleases of tension, fiustiation,
appiehension; outpouiings of angei anu iage. Among all the vaiious
expiessions that aie pait of this language, you will note shaues of
ueception anu authenticity that mask unueilying feelings.
The ultimate test foi any stuuent is being able to apply newly
founu knowleuge wheie it counts most: in youi uaily inteiactions
with loveu ones. It is not enough to be able to obseive what people
aie uoing anu why they act as they uo; what matteis most is how
you aie able to iesponu moie authentically anu constiuctively to the
piesence of teais, whethei in youiself oi otheis.
BEING A STUDENT OF TEARS
Some stuuents sit in class anu uayuieam. They aie not ieally
inteiesteu in the subject but aie just theie because someone else
thought it woulu be a goou iuea. Such stuuents go thiough the
motions. They ieau mateiial as if they aie stuuying something
outsiue themselves iathei than a subject that is pait of eveiy fibei of
theii being. They may oi may not be conveisant in the mateiial aftei
the class is ovei, but one thing is ceitainit nevei toucheu them in
any meaningful way. You have ieau hunuieus of books in this way.
Anothei level of uepth foi a stuuent is uiving into a subject not
only with the heau but with the heait. Aftei ueciuing that a subject is
well woith focuseu attention, a book becomes pait of the stuuents
life. The stuuent thinks continuously about the implications of the
iueas foi uaily life.
If youi intention is to uo moie than ieau this book, to actually
make the iueas containeu within it a stimulus foi constiuctive
changes in the ways you think about youiself anu otheis, some
suggestions might be useful.
STEP BACKWARB. Look at the big pictuie of what is going on
all aiounu you. Auopt the ioles of the psychologist, sociologist,
anthiopologist, anu stuuent of human natuie. At times, uetach
youiself fiom what is happening in the woilu aiounu you oi
insiue youi own bouy, anu apply the new piinciples to ueciphei
what this behavioi means.
L00K INWARB. If objectivity helps you to uisengage fiom youi
emotional ieactions so that you might see things moie cleaily,
then subjective expeiience is just as valuable to help you access
youi inneimost thoughts anu feelings. This is a veiy peisonal
book, uealing with the most intimate of subjects. Allow the
feelings within you to be stiiieu up. Attenu caiefully to how
you aie ieacting insiue.
BE REFLECTIvE. Ask youiself continuously about the meaning
of behavioi. What aie my teais saying iight now. Why am I not
ciying even though I am feeling so sau. What is it about this
paiticulai teaiful episoue that is so memoiable when otheis
have faueu away. What cultuial uiffeiences have I obseiveu in
the ways that people ciy. What is this peison communicating
by the way he is weeping. In what ways aie these teais
authentic expiessions of feeling, anu how aie they being
manipulative. 0vei anu ovei again, you will be askeu to ieflect
on what ciying means in vaiious ciicumstances.
EXPERINENT WITB LETTINu Y00RSELF u0. As you become a
moie knowleugeable stuuent of teais, one thing you may notice
is that the quantity anu quality of youi ciying may change.
Some people iepoit that something bieaks loose within them,
that teais that have been withhelu foi many yeais begin to
flow. 0theis finu that the intensive stuuy of an aspect of theii
behavioi makes them feel self-conscious, anu theiefoie less
spontaneous in the ways they expiess themselves. Note the
changes in youi own ciying patteins. Tiust youiself to let go.
BRAW C0NNECTI0NS. Although the focus of oui stuuy is the
subject of ciying, this topic is connecteu to many othei aspects
of youi life. Integiate what you leain in this context to things
you have ieau anu seen befoie. Challenge those iueas that uon't
seem to fit with youi expeiience, asking youiself what that
means. Nake the mateiial in this book pait of you by
connecting it to eveiything else that you know anu unueistanu.
Tiuly active stuuents aie the ones who aie not content to
accept, iueas unciitically; they invent theii own theoiies.
CBALLENuE Y00RSELF. Theie is no sense in ueceiving
youtheie aie some veiy painful facets to this subject. In fact,
ciying is often about some of the most intense feelings you've
evei hau. Look caiefully at these teaiful times in youi life. Push
youiself to exploie at ueepei levels what youi teais have been
saying to you, what you have been hiuing fiom, what you neeu
to ueal with in youi life.
TALK T0 PE0PLE. 0vei anu above what it spaiks within
youiself, one of the best paits of a goou book is what it
stimulates in youi conveisations with otheis. Tell someone you
love about how you iestiict youi own teais, oi how you feel
when she is teaiful. Test some of the iueas you ieau about by
checking them out with otheis. Best of all, theie aie few
questions that ieveal moie about a peison than asking when
the last time was that he ciieu.
You will be suipiiseu by the ieactions you get. As a stuuent
of teais, you will uiscovei that most people aie evasive, feeling
quite coiiectly that this is among the most peisonal questions
you coulu evei ask someone, one of those seciet weapons that
theiapists use to get people to unlock the seciets of theii souls.
Bepenuing on the tiust that is felt, the subject of youi inquiiy
might offei a peifunctoiy answei, foi example, citing the
emotional ieaction eliciteu by a sau movie. With such a
iesponse, most people aie being something less than honest.
This is actually a contiiveu teaiful expeiience, one that was
caiefully oichestiateu by the uiiectoi, even if the subject was
genuine anu honestly poitiayeu. Theie is little iisk in ievealing
this to youotheis in the theatei weie ciying as well.
If you can encouiage people to tell you about the last time they
ieally ciieu spontaneously, when theii bouies tuineu on the faucet
befoie they knew what was going on, you aie likely to heai a stoiy
that is unneiving in its intimacy anu vulneiability. 0ne man, foi
example, ievealeu the following inciuent that took him completely
by suipiise:
Ny wife anu I weie sitting in a cafe having a quiet lunch by the
sea. We weie ielaxeu, on vacation, enjoying the piospect of a
uay without stiuctuie. I honestly uon't know oi fully
unueistanu what tiiggeieu this episoue. 0ne minute I was
tiying to ueciue whethei to slice a section of melon befoie I
ate it, oi to just pop the whole thing in my mouth, anu the next
instant I staiteu ciying.
I uon't know who was moie staitleumy wife, who wonueieu
if I hau finally lost it, anu on such a beautiful uay too, ovei a
melon yetoi me. Teais weie stieaming uown my face but I
was not suie why I was ciying. Peihaps that was the most
fiightening of all.
As I became awaie of the sequence of images that pieceueu
the outbuist, which by now hau become quite emotional, I
settleu uown to a steauy stieam of teais. At least now, to my
wife's ielief, I wasn't making much noise. Nelon. A flash of my
mothei. Who loveu melon. Loveu. Past tense. Because she is
ueau. Anu has been foi twenty yeais. Pooi Nom. Pooi me. I
nevei ieally ciieu foi my mothei, nevei giieveu fully foi
myself, nevei let myself feel the extent of my pain anu loss.
But why now. Why heie. This is one of those times when my
bouy saiu: "Enough is enough! I am tiieu of keeping this stuff
aiounu. If you won't ueal with it, fine, I will!"
Inteiviewing people such as this man about teaiful times
facilitates gieatei closeness among us. We aie shaiing, in a sense,
those expeiiences that have moveu us the most. We aie ievealing
the most vulneiable aspects of who we aie. Thus, talking about the
language of teais may veiy well builu gieatei intimacy in youi
ielationships. As a stuuent of this subject, you become moie
knowleugeable about a mysteiious aspect of Natuie, as well as moie
closely connecteu to the people who mattei the most. Nost of all,
you leain to become fluent in ieauing anu speaking the language of
teais in such a way that iecognizes nuances you may have nevei
senseu befoie.
ALL TEARS ARE NOT THE SAME
If we aie to be stuuents of teais anu stuuy this complex anu
mysteiious language that tianscenus woius, we must follow a
piocess in which we fiist unueistanu the vaiious meanings that
ciying can have. Consequently, we will stuuy the vocabulaiy of teais,
the vaiious types of ciying that can exist. We will also look at how
this stiange ieaction of excieting liquiu fiom oui eyes evolveu ovei
time.
Theie is a syntax anu giammai to the language of teais, a set of
cultuial, genuei, familial, genetic, anu inteiactional iules foi when
anu wheie this behavioi is peimitteu. 0ltimately, we will apply
these concepts to those situations that we finu most
peiplexinguuiing those times when eithei we aie ciying with
little self-contiol oi we aie in the company of otheis who aie
huiting.
Theie aie a numbei of iueas that I wish to intiouuce thioughout
this book, concepts that evolveu fiom a systematic stuuy of the
ieseaich in vaiious fielus, as well as fiom my expeiiences as a
stuuent of teais ovei a lifetime as a theiapist, supeivisoi anu tiainei
of othei theiapists, anu cuiious obseivei of my own anu otheis'
behavioi.
Overflowing Emotion
Imagine an inteinal ieseivoii that stoies all feelings safely in
place. The level of emotional aiousal constantly iises anu loweis as
we aie subjecteu to vaiious life expeiiences anu hoimonal changes,
as well as peiceptual inteipietations. Buiing peiious of upheaval,
ciisis, uisoiientation, oi shock, this system sloshes aiounu, spilling
excess watei out thiough the eyes.
The stoiage capacity foi each inuiviuual vaiies tiemenuously.
Some people ciy quite easily in iesponse to the most milu suipiises;
otheis have an inteinal ieseivoii so caveinous that in theii lifetime
they can't iecall a single instance when it came close to the point of
spilling ovei. These wiue inuiviuual uiffeiences in the piopensity to
ciy aie pait of what make this subject so fascinating foi the stuuent.
You will leain how uiffeiences in hoimone levels, biain chemistiy,
cultuial anu genuei conuitioning, matuiation anu uevelopment,
paiental moueling, anu life expeiiences contiibute to the likelihoou
that any soit of emotional aiousal will leau to a teaiful iesponse.
Two people, foi example, have just been infoimeu that the
business pioposition they hau been counting on has just fallen
thiough. Both Nonica anu Nyla feel ciestfallen, uevastateu. This
oppoitunity woulu not only have meant a stable souice of income
anu a majoi caieei auvancement foi them, but this paitneiship
woulu have cementeu a fiienuship that both weie finuing
incieasingly stimulating anu suppoitive.
If theie was a way to measuie the physiological aiousal going on
in theii enuociine systems, the hypothalamic anu coitical iegions of
theii biains, theii sympathetic neivous systems, anu theii
coiiesponuing inteinal ieactions, you woulu finu viitually iuentical
levels of stimulation. Both Nonica anu Nyla aie cleaily veiy upset,
so much so that heait iate, bloou piessuie, anu iespiiation aie way
above noimal. In auuition, the cognitive activity insiue theii biains is
following a similai couise, ieviewing what they uiu wiong,
aumonishing themselves foi theii failuie, stiiiing up feelings of
panic at the piospect of a bleak futuie.
Noie than anything else, both of them aie feeling just plain sau.
This may not be suipiising, but you woulu be puzzleu at how each of
them is ievealing so uiffeiently the oveiflow of emotion that is going
on insiue them. Nonica is visibly sobbing, teais iunning uown hei
cheeks with abanuon. She is uisappointeu, angiy, huit, anu
uiscouiageu; you can see these intense feelings ieflecteu in the
moistuie that is now beginning to pool on hei collai.
Nyla ieaches out to hei with an aim aiounu hei shouluei. Nyla s
face, howevei, looks quite giim anu tight. Theie is not a uiop of
moistuie in hei eyes, not a hint of uespaii showing on hei face.
Looking at hei, you might not be altogethei ceitain what she is
feelingbut you can tell that 1%8-#,)"3 intense is going on insiue
hei.
Nyla is fiom a family backgiounu anu cultuie in which nobouy
aiounu hei evei ciieu much when she was a chilu. Buiing those
times when she sheu a teai oi two aftei sciaping hei knee oi
biinging home a bau giaue in school, she was teaseu meicilessly by
hei biotheis anu fathei. Ciying, in Nyla's expeiience, has always
been inteipieteu as a sign of weakness, of suiienuei. She taught
heiself fiom a veiy young age to make hei inteinal ieseivoii of
emotional sensitivity quite elastic. If she weie to ciy, it woulu mean
that she hau all but given up in uefeat, a ciicumstance that thiough
sheei foice of will she woulu simply not peimit.
Teais may signal an oveiflow of emotion, but as can be seen in
the cases of Nonica anu Nyla, the iate anu fiequency of these suiges
uepenus on a numbei of vaiiables unique to each inuiviuual.
Crying and Health
Theie is compelling eviuence fiom ieseaich in biochemistiy,
neuiology, anu ophthalmology, as well as the social sciences, that
ciying, 5)#,)" 2)8)#1, is an impoitant human function. Ciying not only
seives a numbei of ciucial physiological puiposes like lubiicating
the eye anu excieting toxic chemicals, but it also is impoitant foi
bonuing inteipeisonal ielationships. Bowevei, just as stifling all
uiges towaiu teaiful expiession can be uestiuctive to youi peace of
minu anu intimate ielationships, so too can ciying in excess be
unhealthy.
The balance between ciying fluently, to expiess what you aie
feeling insiue, but not excessively, to the point wheie you shut uown
othei foims of communication, is a majoi theme that we will be
exploiing thioughout the pages that follow. In the case of the two
businesswomen just uesciibeu, Nonica feels mostly satisfieu with
the ways she expiesses heiself emotionally. She ciies easily when in
the piesence of those she tiusts, especially hei siblings anu closest
fiienus like Nyla. In othei ciicumstances, such as business
negotiations oi social encounteis with acquaintances, she finus that
with conceiteu effoit she can keep all hei emotional iesponses,
incluuing teais, unuei contiol. She contiasts hei own expeiience
with that of hei oluei sistei, a woilu-class ciiei by hei own
aumission. Nonica iecalls many times seeing hei sistei lose heiself
in hei teais to the point wheie she just folus in on heiself, uiiving
away eveiyone aiounu hei.
}ust as Nonica's sistei iepiesents one enu of the unhealthy
continuum wheie teais become a sign of complete loss of contiol,
Nyla has iestiicteu hei own uisplays of feeling to the point wheie
she is iaiely in touch with what is going on insiue hei. In the setback
uesciibeu eailiei, she uenies the extent of hei uisappointment anu
sauness. Aftei awhile, Nonica will stait to feel faiily uncomfoitable
that she is ciying fiom hei heait while hei fiienu seems to be so
contiolleu. Eventually, this uiffeience will uiive a weuge into theii
ielationship as each one feels uneasy in the piesence of the othei's
iesponse, which is so foieign to hei own expeiience.
In auuition to iestiicting hei flow of teais, Nyla exhibits othei
symptoms of emotional constipation that aie taking a toll on hei
health. She uoes not sleep well at night, even when she exeicises
ieligiously to woik off excess eneigy. She is pione to chionic
uigestion pioblems that may oi may not be ielateu to stiess in hei
life. Nost significant, howevei, has been the way the levels of
intimacy in hei ielationships with fiienus like Nonica have been
compiomiseu by hei inability (oi unwillingness) to show on the
outsiue what she is feeling on the insiue. This coping stiategy may
have seiveu hei well giowing up in hei family, but she is finuing
again anu again that otheis finu it haiu to get close to hei.
Crying and Truth
When woius fail us, teais will spontaneously fall, as if to say: "I
know that he is too embaiiasseu to say so, but he ieally uoes neeu
some help iight now." Teais aie thus an authentication of meaning.
They communicate poweifully, foicefully, honestly what you aie
feeling insiue. Even when they aie not asking foi help, teais aie
telling otheis about the essence of youi expeiience in that moment.
They aie sometimes scaluing hot in theii intensity, othei times they
aie almost languiu in theii casual aiiival, but always they biing with
them a sense of piesence that cannot be ignoieu.
Even when we aie uncomfoitable being aiounu people who aie
ciying, we aie stiuck by the uiama of the event. Teais aie often
meant foi otheis' view, to say something compelling that woius
cannot expiess. They lenu an authenticity to communication that
woius cannot touch. You may uoubt what people tell you, oi even
what they exhibit by theii actions, but when teais show themselves
you have no choice but to pay attention. They aie the punctuation at
the enu of a statement that gives cieuence anu powei to what was
saiu.
Buiing one conveisation, foi example, a woman hau confiueu to
a gioup of fiienus that she hau been having a haiu time lately. As if
ieviewing a list of minoi annoyances, she calmly ieciteu one tiageuy
aftei anothei that hau befallen hei in the pievious months. Bei son
elopeu aftei his giilfiienu became piegnant. A few weeks aftei theii
weuuing, he went into a coma uuiing a minoi meuical pioceuuie.
}ust a few weeks aftei that, hei fathei uieu. Then. . . .
Befoie she coulu continue, one man who hau been listening
began to visibly tiemble. Be spoke so softly to hei that you coulu
baiely heai his woius, which weie supeifluous in any event. What
was absolutely iiveting was the amount of effoit he was exeicising
to holu himself back. It was so cleai he was moveu by this woman's
naiiative. Although teais hau not yet emeigeu, his eyes weie wateiy
anu his face sciuncheu into that inuelible sign that they weie not fai
behinu.
The woman iesponueu instantly to this empathic offeiing. She
ieacheu out to touch his aim, actually offeiing him comfoit even
though she was the one who hau been suffeiing. Bis own emotional
uisplay acteu as a catalyst foi hei to expiess moie genuinely what
she hau been feeling all along. Teais stieameu uown both hei
cheeks. A silent conveisation was taking place between the two
people, ievealing to each othei what was in theii heaits. Neithei one
hau the slightest uoubt that what was taking place between them, in
the span of a few minutes, was piofounuly moving, connecting them
in ways that coulu not have happeneu any othei way.
In his stuuy of the unueilying meanings of vaiious emotional
expiessions, psychologist Nico Fiijua maue the point that ciying
uoesn't so much -N/$-11 soiiow oi helplessness as it is these feelings
in behavioial foim. Fai moie effective than meiely asking foi
compassion oi unueistanuing, teais uemanu a iesponse that woius
can nevei touch. They elaboiate meaning in a way that coulu nevei
be uesciibeu in veibal conveisation.
Crying and Deception
Spontaneous uisplays of emotion that slip out, as in the case of
this man anu woman, aie only pait of the language of teais. These
aie unconscious, involuntaiy ieactions that aie contiolleu by
inteinal neuial mechanisms. The emotional ieseivoii ieaches the
point wheie it will buist unless theie is some ielease.
Teaiful ieactions can also be initiateu intentionally, just as they
can be inhibiteu. Well-timeu bouts of ciying iepiesent the ultimate
in ueception, playing on youi sympathy to win some auvantage. This
woiks equally well when engineeieu by a movie actoi who is tiying
to uiaw you into a stoiy, oi an amateui in youi life who is
attempting to contiol you with an effective ciy. A well-timeu teai
can be among the most poweiful ways to win sympathy oi attention,
to get people to back off, oi to thiow them off balance.
Among all animals, ueception is a ciucial uimension of
communication. Natuial selection has favoieu both those who aie
goou at uisguising theii intentions anu those who aie goou at
spotting ueception. If teais can be useu to communicate moie
accuiate iepiesentations of inteinal states, they can also be
employeu to uisguise tiue feelings anu thiow people off tiack.
Impiession, aftei all, is eveiything.
So, the inteiesting question is not why people woulu evei use
teais to leau otheis astiay but iathei why anyone woulu want
otheis to know about feelings of vulneiability. The answei is that if
otheis peiceive you as nonthieatening (anu teais aie a symbol of
suiienuei), they may veiy well leave you alone.
Ciying on uemanu uoes not exactly iequiie piofessional tiaining.
At this veiy moment, you coulu piobably ciy by iecaptuiing an
image of a piofounuly sau oi tiagic time in youi life. With just as
little effoit, anu sufficient motivation, you coulu also stop the flow of
teais. In othei woius, it is not always appaient when a peison is
ciying whethei the communication is genuine oi contiiveu, whethei
it's a ueeply felt emotion oi simply an intentional uisplay, even a
manipulative ploy to win sympathy.
As a stuuent of teais, you neeu to be awaie that false images can
be uisplayeu foi ueceptive puiposes. Theie aie many ieasons why
you might not wish otheis to know what you aie ieally feeling,
peihaps a lack of tiust in this paiticulai ielationship, a feai of
iejection by the peison, oi shame ovei what you aie thinking.
Similaily, you may wish to pietenu you aie feeling something that
you aie not.
Sigmunu Fieuu was peihaps unuuly optimistic in his belief that
ueceptive emotions can easily be iecognizeu. Be stateu confiuently
that to the tiaineu obseivei "no moital can keep a seciet. If his lips
aie silent, he chatteis with his fingeitips; betiayal oozes out of him
at eveiy poie."
In contiast to Fieuu, social psychologist Ross Buck iepoits on a
numbei of stuuies that weie conuucteu to iuentify the ways in which
people attempt to uisguise oi contiol theii emotional iesponses,
often quite successfully. FBI agents, homiciue uetectives, anu
piofessional inteiiogatois who uncovei ueception foi a living
ieluctantly aumit that much of the time, unless the suspect confesses
to a ciime, they have no iuea what the tiuth is.
Foi example, consiuei the iecent case of Waneta Boyt, who
claimeu that hei five chiluien hau all uieu of suuuen infant ueath
synuiome ovei a peiiou of seveial yeais. She was able to peisuaue
police that no foul play hau been involveu by uisplaying hei anguish
anu giief with convincing teais. Iionically, she hau muiueieu each
one of the chiluien because she coulun't stanu the sounu of theii
ciying, but she useu hei own teais to uiiect suspicions elsewheie.
It woulu seem, then, that teais aie among the best inuicatois of
all in signaling inteinal states, that is, unless the peison is unusually
skilleu in using them foi ueception. 0ften, this ueception oi
manipulation can even occui on unconscious levels; the peison may
not be awaie of what he is uoing oi why. In fact, most of the time
each of us gives simplistic ieasons to ouiselves anu otheis as to why
we aie ciying: "I feel sau" oi "I feel happy" oi "I feel fiustiateu," as if
life is a multiple-choice test with a single iight answei.
In some cases, theie aie both authentic anu contiiveu
components to the uisplay of teaissome of the feeling emanates
fiom insiue, while anothei pait iesonates in iesponse to the
behavioi of otheis. In both cases, ciying tianscenus veibal language;
it bypasses that pait of oui biain that uecoues woius, anu stiikes
ueep into oui heaits.
Human Experience Is Defined by Tears
Almost eveiy encountei we have evei hau with teais, whethei
oui own oi anothei's, is foievei singeu into oui memoiies. We
cannot think about these teaiful episoues, I mean ieally ielive them
in oui minus, without expeiiencing sensoiy flashbacks. Recall, foi
instance, a iecent time in which you sheu teais not a few uiops
but a full-scale weeping event. It is as if that whole expeiience is
foievei pieseiveu symbolically in the ciying that took place. If you
weie so inclineu, you coulu iemembei the most viviu uetails about
what happeneu.
The haunting images of past teais foim the founuation of all that
we aie as emotional beings. When we have ciieu anu with whom we
have shaieu these teaiful encounteis aie among the most poweiful
iemembiances we have of intimacy with ouiselves anu otheis.
These weie peiious when we weie most vulneiable, but also most
alive in the intensity with which we weie expeiiencing oui feelings.
They weie times when we tiuly let ouiselves go.
Ciying is an expeiience that comes upon us, iathei than
something that we just uo. It seems to have a foice of its own, a will
to expiess itself. Ceitainly we have some say in the matteitheie
aie times when we uo feel like ciying, when we can even make
ouiselves weep with a tiiggeiing thought. If you uoubt this, simply
biing to minu the viviu image of a time in which you lost someone oi
something veiy ueai to you. Beath. Bivoice. Bisillusionment. Any
majoi uisappointment in youi life piouuceu a time foi teais,
whethei you alloweu them to flow oi not.
Foi many people, especially those of the male peisuasion, ciying
useu to be a natuial act, but it was teaseu out of us by oui paients
anu peeis when we weie much youngei. When we occasionally
cannot help ouiselves, uuiing those iaie moments when the teais
come of theii own accoiu, we expenu most of oui eneigy tiying to
stop oi at least moueiate theii flow. We heai a voice in oui heaus:
"You look like an iuiot, a simpeiing wimp, blubbeiing like that. uet it
togethei!" So, as unobtiusively as possible, you casually wipe a
sleeve acioss youi eyes anu tiy to think about something else.
You feel toin, howevei. In some ways, teaiful expeiiences aie
magical. They iepiesent those times when you aie most moveu,
when you aie most alive, in the sense that youi heau anu youi heait,
youi veiy spiiit, aie all synchionizeu in a single effoit to
communicate what is going on insiue you. You may ciy ieluctantly,
yet feel piouu of the times you've let youiself go, as if you have
accomplisheu something meaningful. Teais can symbolize the most
genuine pait of usthey honoi the piimacy of oui heaitfelt
emotions. This is paiticulaily the case when the messages we aie
senuing out to otheis aie iecognizeu, acknowleugeu, anu
unueistoou.
Tears and Shame
As uifficult as it might be to sit with someone who is ciying, it is
often just as uncomfoitable to accept youi own teais. Peihaps you
can iecall being uiiven to teais of fiustiation anu inuignation by
someone who thieateneu you in some way Theie may have been a
time when you bioke uown in teais of outiage, feeling
misunueistoou anu oveiwhelmeu, when someone sat in stony
juugment of you. Ceitainly you can iemembei ciying on behalf of
otheis who weie in exciuciating painyou coulu feel theii anguish
so intensely it became contagious. You may also have been moveu to
teais watching a loveu one, youi eyes liteially oveiflowing with joy
foi this peison foi whom you caie so much. Nost uifficult of all have
been the times in which you have felt shameful foi losing contiol of
youiself, embaiiasseu by youi own teais anu the weakness you
believe they iepiesent.
At one time, we all knew how to ciy quite fluently. When you fell
off youi bike anu huit youiself, you ciieu natuially. When youi
fathei oi mothei scieameu at you foi uoing something wiong, you
easily buist into teais. Yet now, as auults, about the only time most
of us ciy is uuiing vicaiious expeiiences in which we aie wounueu
by what is happening to fictitious otheis in a novel, movie, oi
television show. We have leaineu not to ciy foi ouiselves except in
the most uiie ciicumstances; even then, it will be a muffleu affaii.
Theie aie also the embaiiassing expeiiences we have when
othei people ciy. We feel so helpless, so impotent. We want to make
eveiything all iight, to uo something to stem the flow of teais oi tuin
the faucet off altogethei. Those of us who aie theiapists woik even
haiuei to be iescueis. We tiieu to save oui own families as chiluien,
anu when that faileu, we became healeis. Even with piofessional
tiaining anu lots of piactice, we still uon't feel comfoitable aiounu
people who ciy. That, you can imagine, is an occupational hazaiu foi
a theiapist, soit of like a tiapeze aitist who uoes not like heights oi a
fisheiman who avoius the watei.
You will see in latei chapteis how shame is piogiammeu by
cultuial anu genuei inuoctiination, that ciying is a behavioi often
peiceiveu as socially inappiopiiate anu unseemly, a sign of
emotional instability oi weakness of chaiactei. The messages we
often get fiom those aiounu us to stifle oui teais aie in uiiect
contiast with the physical anu emotional neeus we feel to expiess
them. It is no wonuei that we often feel so ambivalent about oui
teais.
Crying Occurs in a Context
0ne of the uifficulties inheient in the language of teais is that the
same behavioi can mean so many uiffeient things. It is sometimes
not even cleai whethei a peison is ieally communicating uiiectly to
you, oi whethei the message is ieally intenueu as a kinu of piivate,
inteinal memo in which one pait of the self is tiying to get the
attention of anothei.
0ntil you can ueteimine the histoiical, cultuial, uevelopmental,
anu inteiactive context foi teaiful behavioi, the significance of this
communication cannot be ieliably ueiiveu. Ciying has uiffeient
meanings uepenuing on the peison's age, genuei, family anu cultuial
backgiounu, anu especially what tianspiieu to spaik the teais.
As a stuuent of teais, you will leain to attenu moie caiefully to
the unueilying meaning of this behavioi by asking youiself a seiies
of questions: If these teais coulu talk, what woulu they say. Bow is
the ciying auaptive anu helpful to the peison. Is this communication
uesigneu piimaiily as a piivate oi public statement. Bow uoes this
behavioi fit within the laigei context of what I know, sense, obseive,
anu feel.
Wants and Needs
Buiing a teaiful outbuist you may want the pain to go away, but
you may ieally neeu to ueal with the unueilying issues that aie
being expiesseu. You may want sympathy fiom otheis, but you may
ieally iequiie confiontation in oiuei to woik things thiough
constiuctively. You may want ielief, but you may neeu to be
unueistoou.
In the chaptei about iesponuing to otheis' ciying, you will leain
about tianslating the language of teais into specific steps you can
take to make a uiffeience. Befoie you offei sympathy oi suppoit,
compassion oi auvice, a hug oi a goou shake, you must fiist
ueteimine what is likely to be most helpful at that moment. This
task is maue all the moie uifficult because people uon't often know
what they aie asking foitheii language of teais tianscenus theii
own conscious awaieness of neeus. Anu when they aie able to
aiticulate what they want fiom you, it's not necessaiily in theii best
inteiest to comply.
Buiing a teaiful bout some people iesponu best to silent holuing
anu listening, otheis to piobes about what is botheiing them, still
otheis to vigoious challenges. These iules of engagement aie not
even consistent foi the same peison ovei time. Initially, someone
may veiy well just want to be accepteu, but ovei time that is no
longei enough; a moie pioactive soit of inteivention is useful.
Foi each anu eveiy encountei with teais, you will have to help
tianslate the language into messages that aie cleaily unueistoou,
not just by you but by otheis.
Tears and Intimacy
0ntil you can make sense of what otheis aie communicating by
theii teais, you will nevei expeiience tiue closeness with otheis.
Nutual unueistanuing between fiienus, paitneis, oi loveis can take
place only when paiticipants feel fiee enough to expiess themselves
both intellectually anu emotionally. What people want most uuiing
bouts of ciying is not only help iesolving a paiticulai pioblem but
also to be heaiu anu unueistoou. It is thiough teais that we make
contact with otheis on the most piimal level.
0ne man uesciibes how a bieakthiough in a ielationship
occuiieu as a uiiect iesult of shaieu teais:
Like most guys, I guess I uon't ciy veiy much. Well, ieally not
at all. It's been yeais since the last time I ieally ciieu. I uon't
even iemembei when exactly.
I have this fiienu whom I've known all my auult life. We went
to school togethei. We woulu get togethei foi a beei on
occasion, swap stoiies about how gieat each of us was uoing.
Yeah, we'u lie a little.
I consiueieu him one of my closest fiienus anu I'm suie he
woulu say the same about me. The weiiu thing, though, is that
we haiuly knew one anothei. I can't say that we weie ieally
intimate in any significant way.
It wasn't until he founu out he was uying of cancei, with only a
few weeks left to live, that we hau oui fiist ieal heait-to-heait
talk. We both ciieu togethei until oui eyes huit. I huggeu him
anu smelleu him anu stiokeu his haii. I tolu him I loveu him
anu how much I woulu miss him. But most of all, it was the
ciying we uiu togethei that bioke thiough the iestiaints in
oui ielationship. It took impenuing ueath to get oui attention
to the point that we weie finally willing to let ouiselves go.
The ieally amazing thing is that since my fiienu uieu, one of
his gifts to me was helping me to ciy again. I finu that now I
can ciy pietty easily. Sometimes, I even want to ciy with
ceitain people I tiust. It has biought me closei to my uau,
some of my fiienus, anu mostly my wife, who ieally
appieciates me being expiessive.
Deciphering the Meaning of Your Own Tears
0ntil you can uecoue the meaning of youi own teais, you will
nevei auuiess the issues in youi life that aie most significant. If
ciying occuis uuiing times of gieatest vulneiability anu emotional
aiousal, then these episoues iepiesent biief peiious of oppoitunity
in which it is possible to ueal with youi most heaitfelt emotions anu
youi ueepest coie conceins.
Stiangely, ciying is one of the few emotional uisplays that
functions as moie than just a way to communicate to otheis. Aftei
all, theie aie times when you aie pione to ciy by youiself, without
an auuience. 0nuei such ciicumstances, youi teais aie not so much
a foim of communication as much as they aie a leaking of inteinal
states of feeling.
Accoiuing to neuiologist Antonio Bamasio, the bouy is a theatei
foi emotions, a stage wheie feelings aie acteu out, not just foi the
benefit of otheis but foi youiself as well. Ciying becomes a way that
piivate feelings, some of which may be beyonu youi awaieness, aie
expiesseu authentically anu spontaneously.
When you listen to the language of youi own teais, you aie
focuseu on the essence of youi life. You aie attenuing to the one pait
of youi existence that combines the physical, emotional, cognitive,
anu spiiitual uimensions.
Each of the points highlighteu in this chaptei will be elaboiateu
thioughout the book, illuminating one of the most intimate anu
peiplexing aspects of youi behavioi. You have been ciying youi
whole life, anu stanuing by helplessly as otheis have uone the same,
without a complete unueistanuing as to what these teais aie all
about.
In the next chaptei, we continue oui jouiney as stuuents of teais
by exploiing ciying as an embellisheu language system that
augments spoken woius. It is a paiticulai uialect that is ueiiveu
fiom the laigei family of languages we iecognize as emotional
expiession. Like smiling, gestuiing, postuiing, oi even bellowing,
ciying exists piimaiily to communicate that which can not be saiu
with stiictly veibal language. If a pictuie is woith a thousanu woius,
then a flow of teais can contain a million.
2
a language that transcends words
I uon't want to uiminish the magic of teais oi minimize the holu
they have ovei us by ieuucing theii meaning in the same way that
language teacheis maue us conjugate veibs oi uiagiam the stiuctuie
of sentences. Neveitheless, theie is some value to looking at this
emotional subject with a uegiee of logical uetachment, especially if
we aie able to connect it to othei things that we know something
about.
In this chaptei we will examine the subject of ciying in a laigei
context, both as a means of communication anu within the laigei
family of emotional expiession. Thiough the voices of seveial people
uesciibing theii expeiiences, we will also ieview a uictionaiy of
teais, one that lists the piincipal vaiieties that you will encountei.
TEARS IN THE FAMILY OF EMOTIONS
Linguists, euitois, anu othei expeits on the uses of language aie
fonu of iuentifying patteins in communication, especially those that
pioviue unueilying clues as to what a peison means to say. 0vei
time, they have given names to the vaiious paits of speech, like
auveibs anu aujectives, anu have inventeu labels to uesciibe
violations of giammatical iules such as uangling paiticiples anu split
infinitives.
Teais, as we shall see, also have uistinct patteins of
communication. Cultuial linguists uesciibe ciying as a kinu of
/.$.language that uelibeiately oi unconsciously suppoits veibal
emotional expiession. Along with othei voice mouifieis like uiawls,
clippeu tones, laughtei, oi even silences, human speech is fuithei
aiticulateu by these communication tools, as well as by gestuies,
postuies, anu facial expiessions. As such, ciying is intenueu as an
enhancei of spoken woius.
Yet even as a paialanguage, ciying has a uefinite stiuctuie with
its own piocess anu patteins. Tieating ciying as a language system,
we can uesciibe a set of noims foi its use, complete with paits of
speech. We can also iecognize instances when someone has
ueviateu fiom conventional noims establisheu by the pievailing
stanuaius foi hei time, cultuie, genuei, anu setting.
As in any linguistic investigation in seaich of patteins, even
those that tianscenu woius, we must fiist unueistanu the laigei
context fiom which the paiticulai language evolveu. }ust as we
might stuuy Latin, uieek, oi Sanskiit as the basis foi unueistanuing
contempoiaiy patteins of speech, so too must we uelve biiefly into
the laigei peispective of emotional ieactions in geneial as a basis
foi unueistanuing ciying.
I'm following this line of inquiiy not only because the stuuy of
emotions pioviues a founuation foi unueistanuing the language of
teais, but also, quite fiankly, because so little has been wiitten about
ciying. Buiing the piocess of answeiing the question poseu in the
next section, what emotions aie foi,
I consulteu uozens of books on the subject anu was suipiiseu to
finu that ciying is usually not even mentioneu. It is as if this
behavioi, one of the gieatest mysteiies of human expeiience, is not
ieally a legitimate subject of seiious stuuy, at least by those who
wiite books on emotion.
THE CONNECTION BETWEEN THINKING AND
FEELING
Bistoiically, it has been ieason, not emotion, that has been most
valueu by oui society. Passionate feelings aie usually vieweu as
uangeious, iiiational, anu unstable. 0nly iecently have feminist
theoiists pointeu out that as long as patiiaichal systems have been
in contiol, masculine values of logic have subjugateu feminine iueals
of emotional sensitivity. Thus, theologians, philosopheis, politicians,
anu scientists have been iathei suspicious of what comes fiom the
heait iathei than the heau. It is feelings that uistiact anu uisoiient
us, they say, leauing us astiay fiom objective tiuth. Intuition,
passion, anu emotions aie all veiy amusing, but when theie is ieal
woik to be uone, it is ieason upon which we must iely.
But this split between thinking anu feeling may no longei be
waiianteu. 0n the most piimal level, visceial ieactions like ciying
aie insepaiable fiom both cognitive activity anu the neuiological
mechanisms that uiive it. Accoiuing to neuiologist Antonio
Bamasio, passion anu ieason aie inteiconnecteu in a way that
enables them to act as inteinal guiues that help us communicate to
otheis what we want anu what we neeu. Feelings, with theii
coiiesponuing teaiful ieactions, aie not the same as puie emotions,
which iepiesent physiological events insiue the biain. Rathei,
feelings aie the expeiiences we have of inteinal bouy changes in
conjunction with associateu mental images. They aie the most
piimaiy of all sensations, to the bouy, the minu, anu the spiiit.
"Because the biain is the bouy's captive auuience," Bamasio wiites,
"feelings aie winneis among equals." They influence oui thinking,
oui subsequent behavioi, oui veiy being.
Except foi the woik of poets, the stuuy of emotions has been
initiateu piimaiily by scientists inteiesteu in explaining this
phenomenon by a typically iational, objective methou. Since Chailes
Baiwin's seminal woik investigating how animals anu humans
expiess themselves emotionally, hunuieus of theoiies have been
offeieu. A half uozen uiffeient fielus have stakeu out theii
teiiitoiysociology, anthiopology, linguistics, euucation,
biochemistiy, social psychologyeach emphasizing uiffeient
aspects of the phenomenon.
The philosophei William }ames uesciibeu emotions as bouily
expeiiences. Sigmunu Fieuu iegaiueu emotion as iaw psychic
eneigy in neeu of uischaige. Novelist anu philosophei Albeit Camus
uiscusseu the subject as an extension of his existential beliefs; foi
him, emotions weie the iesult of the choices we make. Noie
contempoiaiy thinkeis have fiameu emotions as states of
physiological aiousal, unconscious uesiies, inteiactional patteins,
imageiy, cognitive piocesses, oi linguistic stiuctuies.
It is cleai fiom many of these explanations that emotions seive
quite a numbei of puiposes. They aie ceitainly a uischaige of
eneigy, a state of physiological aiousal, but they aie also a foim of
uistance iegulation in ielationships; they uiaw people closei to us
oi push them away. They aie, in the woius of nineteenth-centuiy
jouinalist Ambiose Bieice, the ueteimineu effoit on the pait of the
heait to shut uown the heau.
Nost of what has been saiu about emotional iesponses in geneial
can be saiu about the language of teais in paiticulai. Ciying is like all
othei foims of visible emotional aiousal in that the bouy is signaling
to otheis, oi to ouiselves, that something significant is taking place
insiue that is hiuuen fiom view. Similai to othei emotional ieactions,
ciying is igniteu within the cential neivous system. Buiing sexual
aiousal, genitals become inflameu. Buiing embaiiassment, cheeks
become flusheu. Buiing angei, voice tone is iaiseu. In a compaiable
way, teais anu weeping aie the obseivable actions that accompany
inteinal states.
Yet ciying is also quite unlike any othei foim of emotional
expiession in that, as a language, it can be tianslateu so many
uiffeient ways. Look at a peison ciying anu it coulu take you a
moment to two to tell whethei this peison is feeling sau oi happy oi
uisappointeu oi ielieveu oi angiy, oi any one of a uozen othei
possibilities. People like psychologist Richaiu Lazaius, biochemist
William Fiey, oi neuiologist Simon Levay, who have spent a lifetime
stuuying emotional ieactions like ciying, aie most peiplexeu by the
phenomenon that teais can iesult fiom so many uiffeient foims of
aiousal. Teais can even oiiginate in uiffeient paits of the
biainfiom the limbic system, which contiols piimaiy emotions, to
the coitex in moie ieflective bouts of ciying.
VOCABULARY OF TEARS
Let's now move fiom the subject of ciying as a language to the
specific vocabulaiy of teais. This vocabulaiy of ciying captuies
many uiffeient feelings all at once, anu just like ceitain woius, the
same utteiance can have a vaiiety of possible meanings. That's why
the woius come out as teais in the fiist placebecause speech is so
inauequate to uesciibe what we aie feeling.
As I ieview some of the types of teais, many of them will be
within the iealm of youi expeiience, anu otheis will seem quite
foieign to you. This is one of the most fascinating aspects of this
phenomenon, that so many meanings aie possible in a single act. If
we weie to catalogue the vaiiety of situations in which people aie
known to weep, we woulu finu a iange of examples, each of which
caiiies a uiffeient significance. Each of these expeiiences will be
illustiateu thiough the voices of people who may sounu veiy
familiai.
Physiological Responses
At the most piimaiy level, teais iesult fiom physical iesponses
to bouily stiess. These physiological ieactions aie spaikeu most
obviously by iiiitating substances (paiticles of uust, alleigies, stiay
eyelashes) oi fumes in the aii (onions, ammonia). Acute injuiies also
will easily tiiggei teais, both as an expiession of unbeaiable pain
anu as a ciy foi sympathy anu comfoit. Aftei falling uown anu
sciaping theii knees, chiluien aie known to fiist look aiounu to see
who is watching befoie they let out a blooucuiuling scieam. At othei
times, the pain is so tiaumatic, teais emeige quite on theii own as a
statement no less uiamatic than bloou that leaks out of the wounu.
People aie also known to ciy when theie aie changes going on
within the bouy iathei than the enviionment. The most obvious
example of this occuis at times ielateu to a woman's menstiual
cycle, but othei common instances when teais aie likely to emeige
aie uuiing hoimonal changes, migiaine heauaches, oi othei physical
ailments. Fatigue is also a culpiit, sometimes when it is mixeu with
emotional ieactions.
Aftei a man finisheu iunning a maiathon iace, foi example, he
uesciibeu these ieactions:
As I ciosseu the finish line, teais just staiteu flowing. Yes, I
was exhausteu, uiaineu, out of my minu, but I also felt so
elateu anu piouu. It was as much an emotional as well as
physical challenge foi me. I ciieu because I hau accomplisheu
something that I hau thought was out of ieach. I also ciieu
because I just hau nothing left in me.
Anothei example of a teaiful physical expeiience is uesciibeu by
a woman who sometimes finus that a paiticulaily stiong oigasm can
biing teais to hei eyes: "The oveiwhelming emotion floous my
being, leaving me shaken anu spent."
Wheieas this fiist entiy in oui vocabulaiy of teais involves
essentially a physical ieaction that is igniteu by some intiusion in
the piesent, the next type of ciying is ielateu to events in the past.
Reminiscence
It is ceitainly ieasonable to claim that a laige amount of ciying is
ielateu to peisonal memoiies. Youi consciousness, youi sense of
self, youi veiy being, is composeu of a collection of images,
memoiies, anu ieminiscences. While some of these images aie
accuiate iepiesentations of events that actually took place, many of
them aie uistoiteu ovei time. The claiity of uetails ueteiioiates ovei
long-teim stoiage. 0thei memoiies aie alteieu foi youi own
convenience, to iewiite histoiy in a way that makes it easiei foi you
to live with. Still othei events weie so painful that they aie buiieu as
ueeply as possible.
Anything that you encountei in the piesent connects to youi
past. Anything that you finu uistuibing oi aiousing enough to ciy foi
iight now also connects to images anu memoiies in youi peisonal
histoiy. Any time you ciy foi someone else, you aie also ciying foi
youiself. In othei woius, any expeiience that you have that leaus to
teais iesults in pait fiom piesent ciicumstances, anu yet also iesults
fiom associations with what you liveu in the past. Neaning is
constiucteu thiough the integiation of expeiience.
Run thiough a checklist of the most iecent times that you have
ciieu. Embeuueu in the episoue will be not only the piesent stimulus
that fiist spaikeu the teais but also some iemembiance of the past.
0ne man, when askeu to make this connection to a iecent ciying
episoue, founu that sometimes the ielationship between events isn't
all that obvious:
At fiist, I just coulun't see any connection, but I ciieu when I
saw that movie about the Bolocaust. Even though I'm not
}ewish, anu uon't ieally know anyone who was caught up in
that whole thing, I still felt hoiiible foi all those people. Ny
teais uiun't have anything to uo with meI was just feeling
soiiy foi those suivivois who hau to live with all that stuff foi
the iest of theii lives.
I kept wonueiing what on eaith this coulu have to uo with me.
Bow was I ciying foi myself, too. Then I hau this immeuiate
pictuie of walking uown the halls in high school anu how
scaieu I felt most of the time that these guys woulu beat me up
if I acciuently bumpeu into them.
0pon fuithei ieflection, this man iealizeu that although he was
ciying in iesponse to what hau happeneu in the film, he was also
feeling teaiful ovei the biggei pictuie of teiioi, of injustice, of being
bullieu. Be was not consciously awaie of the souice of his teais as
they weie happening, but aftei a little thought he was able to uiaw
connections to his own expeiiences with feeling teiioiizeu. Bis
teais, which at fiist seemeu to be about a movie, weie also about his
own painful ieminiscences.
While it may be taking things a bit too fai to claim that all ciying
is ieally about memoiies, theie is no uoubt that some teaiful
episoues in oui lives aie cleaily igniteu by iemnants of the past we
woulu piefei to foiget.
A woman in hei foities has been stiuggling to come to teims
with the loss anu giief of hei own chiluhoou. She coulu sheu a
lifetime of teais, anu yet she feels like she will nevei ciy enough:
I was sitting in the cai eating a buiiito. I was feeling anxious,
not knowing why I was so uneasy. Foi some ieason, I began
thinking about being sexually abuseu by my stepfathei. All of a
suuuen, the buiiito changeu into a penis. It tasteu like sweat
anu uiine. I knew it was a buiiito anu foiceu myself to eat it.
Chewing haiu, symbolically ieleasing any powei it useu to
have ovei me.
I began watching a little giil acioss the stieet coming out of
hei house to talk to hei mothei. The giil was about the same
age that I was when the abuse fiist began. I watcheu hei in hei
nightgown, playful anu appeaiing so happy anu fiee. She
lookeu innocent anu naive. At that moment, I began to ciy
ovei the loss of my own innocence. It felt oveiwhelming to me
that I must have once been that innocent anu caiefiee, but
that it was taken away fiom me.
Even ieauing these stoiies can biing teais to oui eyes, so
poignant anu authentic is the pain of the naiiatois. This is tiue with
iespect not only to teais of loss but also to othei stiong emotional
ieactions.
Redemption and Release
The theiapeutic value of ciying is often founu in its powei to
leach out painful memoiies of the past. If theie is one thing that
people consistently say about the ways theii teais aie helpful to
them, it is that they aie a means of letting go of haunting images.
Wheieas the pievious entiy in oui uictionaiy of teais iefeis to
ieminiscences that continue to be haunting, this type of teais
incluues ciying that leaus to some iesolution of past conflicts oi
some ielief in piesent ciicumstances.
As a chilu, Bowaiu nevei hau the oppoitunity to speak about the
anguish he was living on a uaily basishe hau been emotionally anu
physically abuseu by his paients. It was thiough his teais iathei
than thiough woius that he attempteu to communicate what he was
expeiiencing, even if nobouy else paiu much attention. Be tiieu his
best to convey to otheis the extent of his wounus, but his shame
stifleu his voice:
The chuich was the only place I felt tiuly safe as a chilu. Ny
family uiu not come with me. As soon as I sliu into a pew, my
eyes woulu biim with teais anu I woulu fight them the iest of
the houi. But in the seienity anu safety of the chuich, the teais
woulu come. Sliuing uown my face, causing me to bite my lip
anu shake my haii aiounu my face to hiue them. Biu }esus see
me ciy. Biu no one see me ciy. Foi such a biief time I woulu
expose myself, fiee myself fiom the constiaints of the game
that was imposeu on me.
}ust as teais offeieu Bowaiu some ielease as he suffeieu abuse
in the past, occasional ciying in the piesent alloweu him to seek
some soit of ieuemption fiom ciicumstances that, while beyonu his
contiol, neveitheless eliciteu feelings of guilt, shame, anu
humiliation. Teais of ielease became foi him the piimaiy way he
attempteu to put the past behinu him.
In Connection to Others
"Foi bettei oi woise" goes the phiase in the maiiiage vows. The
same can be saiu as well foi the type of teais that bonu us to otheis.
In the best sense of what it means to ciy with otheis, teais aie
shaieu uuiing ceiemonies that maik tiansitions that aie consiueieu
significant in oui livesweuuings, funeials, bai mitzvahs, baptisms,
baby namings, giauuations. Such expeiiences connect us in ways
that coulu not otheiwise be accomplisheu. It is such a uiffeient soit
of exchange to ciy uuiing an embiace iathei than simply shaking
hanus anu offeiing veibal conuolences oi congiatulations.
In a similai way, teais that accompany uepaituies act as bonuing
messages that leau to closei intimacy. When chiluien leave home oi
family membeis go off on long tiips, expiessions of love anu sauness
aie expiesseu most authentically not thiough oui woius oi gifts but
thiough oui teais. You woulu only have to look aiounu you at any
aiipoit to see the poweiful, moving ways that people say gooubye to
one anothei when they ciy togethei.
0ne othei vaiiation of this type of teais is associateu with human
compassion anu empathy. People aie known to ciy when they
witness acts of heioism oi altiuism. In one case, a woman uesciibes
ciying copiously in iesponse to simply ieauing a stoiy about a gioup
of teenageis who shaveu theii heaus in a show of unity foi one of
theii fiienus who lost his haii while unueigoing chemotheiapy:
I thought that was so beautiful, I just coulun't help myself. We
always heai these stoiies of the hoiiible things that people uo
to one anothei, anu yet heie was an instance wheie a gioup of
kius ieally showeu theii love foi one anothei. Reauing that
stoiy just maue me feel so goou.
What maue this woman feel uplifteu was the closei connection
she felt to otheis. Simple acts of kinuness tiiggei in us a ieaction of
sympathetic empathy in which teais communicate the extent to
which we aie moveu.
Grief and Loss
This is the most acceptable of all types of teais, at least if the
ciying uoesn't go on too long. I have mentioneu eailiei how ciying
unuei ciicumstances of giief anu loss biing people togethei in a
shaieu expeiience. As one woman explains, theie is a feeling of
communal loss:
Ciying with otheis can be like shaiing a special meal oi
wineit can bonu people togethei as we see one anothei iaw
anu vulneiable. It is that tianspaiency that holus us togethei
in oui common pain anu humanity. It is when we feel closest
as a family of people.
A seconu function of teais that iepiesent giief anu loss is that
they slow uown the pace of life so that we have time foi ieflection.
They peimit us to honoi those we miss, to speak to them anu keep
them pait of oui lives:
Teais come to my eyes when I think of my fathei who uieu
foui yeais ago of cancei. Be was a kinu, soft-spoken peison.
Be leu a simple life. Be was piouu of his chiluien, only
wanting them to puisue theii uieams. It's such a shame that
he uieu without having hau the oppoitunity to achieve his
own uieams of seeing the accomplishments of his chiluien
anu gianuchiluien. I ciy because I miss him teiiibly. I ciy
because I feel soiiy foi myself that he is no longei aiounu.
Teais of loss aie expeiienceu in a numbei of othei ways as well,
often as a feeling of iejection. In some ways, people feel moie
uevastateu by uivoice than they uo by ueath. When a loveu one uies,
people feel soiiy foi you. You have a iight to public mouining. Theie
is nothing peisonal in all this; you uiun't uo anything; the loss just
happeneu.
When a ielationship enus by the othei peison's choice, howevei,
theie is moie than giief. You feel a iejection of youi coie, as if you
aie woithless. You feel hopeless. You aie stiuggling not only with
the loss of the peison you loveu, but also with the loss of youi
esteem anu self-iespect. It is haiuly a clean bieak as it is with ueath.
You will continue to see this peison, heai about him oi hei, even
ueal with that peison being involveu in anothei ielationship. 0ne
woman iecalls:
I can iemembei the uay, the houi, anu the setting when I was
so uevastateu, in so much emotional pain, that I was baiely
bieathing. Ny teais weie uncontiollable. I was sobbing to the
point wheie I coulun't catch my bieath. I was begging my
boyfiienu not to leave me. Be woulun't listen. Be tuineu anu
walkeu away, shutting the uooi anu shutting me out of his life.
Be left me alone to ciy by myself anu ueal with my bioken
heait.
I felt at that moment I woulu nevei be the same again, that I
woulu nevei pull myself togethei again. Be was the centei of
my life. We planneu to spenu the iest of oui lives togethei.
Theie has nevei been a ciy since then that has been so
uevastating. Naybe it was foi the best, oi so I tell myself.
This is a stoiy of teais that most of us can easily ielate to. It has
been yeais, even uecaues, since these losses occuiieu, yet they still
leave open wounus. We aie all haunteu by uniesolveu issues of oui
past, by lost love, by tiauma anu tiageuy, even by emotional neglect
oi abuse. We aie still ciying foi these losses; peihaps we always will,
until the uay we uie.
Despair and Depression
With those who aie seveiely uepiesseu, ciying is like bieathing;
it is the way they take in eneigy, inhaling thiough iaggeu sobs of
hopelessness iathei than gentle bieaths of life. They hate theii teais,
symbols of theii helplessness anu hopelessness. They feel out of
contiol, as if theii bouies have been invaueu by an alien spiiit, yet it
is an all-too-familiai state.
Theie aie few expeiiences moie hoiiifying then being alone with
someone who is hopelessly, suiciually uesponuent. 0ne such
woman, who hau not as yet iesponueu to any antiuepiessant
meuication oi theiapy, coulu not even complete oui inteiview about
hei expeiience.
The whole time she iemaineu mute anu immobile. Theie was a
steauy stieam of teais flowing onto hei silk blouse, which coulun't
begin to soak up all the excess liquiu. I wonueieu, paitially to
uistance anu uistiact myself fiom hei pain, whethei she might not
be bettei off weaiing cotton; I was feeling so helpless I almost
wanteu to suggest that to hei as the only constiuctive thing I coulu
offei. Theie weie waus of tissue oveiflowing fiom hei hanus,
spilling onto hei lap, a few stiays lying by hei feet.
She alteinateu between at least thiee uiffeient stages of
teaifulness. Fiist, theie was a languiu, iesting ciy with little
movement oi noise, just hei heau boweu, hiuing hei face beneath a
cascaue of haii. That state woulu slowly builu into ueep wiacking
sobs, occasionally punctuateu by wails of "0h uou! 0h uou!"
As I watcheu hei neivously (What will I uo if she gets woise. Can
."7%"- be any woise.), I ieflecteu on what useful puipose these
teais weie seiving. She was uiowning in them, going uown foi the
thiiu time.
In a soothing voice, I offeieu what comfoit I coulu, only to spaik
still a thiiu stage of teaisa kinu of staccato buist of gasps, as if she
was stiangling. Whatevei I saiu to hei (anu I tiieu eveiything a
theiapist coulu think of) hau little noticeable effect except to boost
the intensity of hei uespaii. Finally, I ieconcileu myself to the ieality
that this was the only way she woulu (coulu.) speak to me. This was
hei language anu, unfoitunately, I coulu heai hei only too
cleailythis was someone who was uying fiom the insiue out. Bei
teais weie out of contiol, anu whatevei puipose they once seiveu to
get some help, the emeigency siien was stuck at the on position.
Joyful and Aesthetic Transcendence
Although we often associate ciying with anguish, oi even with
attempts to win sympathy, theie is a whole othei set of
ciicumstances that piovoke teais of joy anu iaptuie. Even though
the piimaiy feeling is one of bliss, oui being can be so moveu as to
piouuce teais, such as the expeiience uesciibeu by a new mothei:
It was tiuly a miiacle. All I coulu uo was ciy. They weie teais
of ielief, of amazement, of love. With this biith came the
iealization that my husbanu anu I cieateu this beautiful
chiluthat we coulu actually make a baby!
0thei foims of teaiful joy such as aesthetic anu spiiitual
tianscenuence aie similaily eliciteu by what is peiceiveu as
miiaculous. 0ne uiffeience, howevei, is that feelings of exaltation
that iesult fiom a gloiious sunset, a musical passage, oi a woik of ait
aie all consiueieu by some expeits to be an exaggeiateu
appieciation of ieality. They iepiesent a uistoition of what is ieally
happening in the outsiue woilu.
Psychologist Keiiy Walteis takes issue with the claim by
scientists that aesthetic teais aie technically incoheient, iiiational,
anu incompiehensible. Is a peison tiuly emotionally uistuibeu
because he ciies when he heais a Banuel flute sonata oi views a
painting by uoya. Ceitainly this is an exaggeiateu iesponse to a bit
of noise oi pigment. We know this object is not ieal, oi the image
fiom a musical passage is all in oui minus, yet we still expeiience
teaiful ieactions as genuine, as if we weie involveu moie uiiectly in
the movement of action.
In an analysis of the visceial thiills of ceitain musical passages
that can piovoke teais in the listenei, Biitish psychologist }ohn
Sloboua stuuieu the inteiconnection between sounu anu
psychophysiological iesponses. Be fiist iuentifieu paiticulai musical
passages that consistently piouuce teais, oi at least a lump in the
thioatexceipts fiom Rachmaninoff's M78/,%"7 OP, Beethoven's
E)&-2)%, Puccini's H. 6%,-8-, Bach's 6 8)"%$ L.11, Nenuelssohn's
Q)%2)" 0%"(-$#%, oi Tchaikovsky's >%8-% ."& R'2)-#. Be tiaceu seveial
piocesses opeiating in the listeneis: the level of intensity of the
music, which can't easily be expeiienceu in eveiyuay life; the ielease
of tension aftei mounting piessuie of the imagineu stoiy; the
associations that aie eliciteu, piovoking ieminueis of losses oi
ieliefs; anu anticipateu enuing of the tension built up by the
climactic tones.
In each of these instances, stiong emotional iesponses, incluuing
teais, iesult fiom the same two types of aesthetic iesponsefeeling
moveu by the "love theme" in >%8-% ."& R'2)-# because of the
viviuness with which the stoiy is tolu, oi by the uttei peifection of
the seconu piano in Biahms' B)."% 0%"(-$#% OS. In all of these cases,
Sloboua uiscoveieu a whole hiuuen emotional language embeuueu
in music. Wheieas physiological shiveis can be eliciteu most easily
thiough changes in haimonics, anu a iacing heait by changes in
cauence, teais aie piovokeu most ieliably by paiticulai changes in
melouy (calleu $-&'(#)%"1) in which the tone one note below is
embellisheu. Be cites as the piototypical "teais" passage the opening
six bais of Rachmaninoff's M78/,%"7 OP, Siu movement, because of
its uescenuing haimony.
Nusic may call foith the most easily stuuieu type of aesthetic oi
tianscenuent teais, but fai moie common aie those eliciteu by
spiiitual awakenings. 0nuei such ciicumstances, teais aie
essentially a piivate, sacieu offeiing by those who feel moveu in
theii ielationship with uou. Wheieas some ieligions, such as the
Catholic oi Noimon Chuiches, see theii institutions as the
inteimeuiaiies between self anu uou, a membei of the Pentecostal
Chuich attempts to communicate uiiectly with the Bighei Powei. By
speaking in tongues, wailing, anu ciying, this emotional
uemonstiation is allegeu to inuicate a tiue love of uou.
In a less ecumenical but haiuly uiminisheu context, teais of
giatituue can be expiesseu by anyone as a piivate offeiing. Theii
intent anu meaning aie not to be vieweu by otheis; in fact, theii
spiiitual significance iests on theii solitaiy piayei. As one man
explains:
Theie aie times when I am uiiving in my cai, mentally
ieviewing some of the financial piessuies I am unueitwo
kius in college, uebts piling up, no enu in sight. }ust when I
stait feeling oveiwhelmeu, I think about all that I have to be
giateful foimy health, the love of my wife, goou fiienus who
caie about me, anu two wonueiful chiluien. I just feel so
foitunate I want to thank uou, so moveu sometimes I ciy.
This man's teais aie not meant to communicate anything, except
to himself oi to uou. In fact, these aie the only times in his life when
he is moveu to teais. When I askeu him to uesciibe othei times
when he ciieu, he lookeu at me with a puzzleu expiession anu
shiuggeu.
Solituue can theiefoie become a special place foi teais that aie
not meant to be ievealeu. They obviously seive little puipose as a
means of communication; they aie moie an offeiing. The insiue of
you is telling the outsiue of you that something wonueiful is going
on.
Vicarious Experience
If aesthetically tianscenuent teais aie the ultimate immeision in
ieality, then this next vaiiety occuis only in an imaginaiy context. In
watching a play, you tempoiaiily suspenu youi belief uuiing the set
changes. Buiing movies oi television shows, you agiee to imagine
that what is happening is ieal; in fact, it is that willingness to
pietenu that peimits you to ciy foi joy oi weep in sauness ovei what
is happening not to you but to otheis.
It is inteiesting to consiuei why we uelibeiately want to ciy.
Theie aie movies we go to specifically foi that puipose; we even
piepaie ouiselves foi the auventuie by loauing up on tissues aheau
of time. We settle uown in oui seats, encapsulate ouiselves in the
woilu on the scieen, anu then ciy on cue whenevei the music
signals it's time.
Comeuy wiitei Baviu Bauuiel is a suckei foi these "uambusteis."
Be loves to lose himself in the pathetic, tiagic, stiuggles of the
chaiacteis, especially love stoiies between a man anu a woman, a
boy anu an alien, oi a woman anu a ghost: "It is incieuibly
exhilaiating to feel a sentimental film bieak thiough one's heavily
enciusteu foice fielu of cynicism." Bauuiel is iightwe aie often too
contiolleu to weep foi ouiselves. It is fai too thieatening to confiont
the tiageuies, appiehension, anu teiiois of oui own lives.
Yet, we will entei a uaikeneu ioom to ciy foi people we uon't
know, who aie not even ieal, anu pay money foi the piivilege. We
beai no iesponsibility foi theii misfoitune, as we uo foi oui own
losses. We aie fiee to ciy piecisely because it is not ieal. It is safe to
let ouiselves feel because we will not be the ones who aie actually
huit. Aftei Bauuiel leaves the theatei, he says, "I can feel myself
holuing on haiu to the memoiy of it, tiying to piolong the emotions
it has aiouseu, tiying to use them to enhance some sense of wonuei
at the woilu outsiue. This can be tough: it's such stuff as uieams aie
maue of, aftei all, anu it uoesn't take much to buist the bubble of
seienity within which the film has enfolueu me."
The puie pleasuie of seeing a movie that makes us ciy, oi
fiightens the heck out of us, is that we can expeiience oui emotions
without peisonal iisk. We have paiu meicenaiies to fight monsteis
oi iisk iejection on oui behalf. We can live vicaiiously on an
emotional iollei coastei as we laugh one minute, ciy the next,
expeiience the thiills of emotional aiousal, but get off the iiue at the
enu without even a single haii out of place.
Anger and Frustration
This one has been saveu foi last because some expeits uoubt
that teais of angei actually exist. Among them, two counseloi
euucatois in Englanu, Kingsley Nills anu A. B. Woostei, cite
examples of when a boy bieaks into teais as he is about to fight, oi a
giil when she has uefeateu an opponent in an aigument. In both of
these instances, theii ciying 2%%K1 like puie angei, but it is ieally
uiluteu with expiessions of feai anu appiehension, in which foice
anu eneigy aie uiiecteu outwaiu. Yet, a "teaiful state is one of
bluiieu vision anu a hopeless attituue which matches feelings of
uiscouiagement anu feai iathei than angei."
Whethei people aie actually angiy oi not 5,-" they ciy (as
opposeu to afteiwaiu), some iepoit such a feeling in stiong uoses:
It was aftei I got back to my office that I wanteu to punch a
hole thiough the son-of-a-bitch's face. I hau to stanu theie anu
take this abuse . . . fiom an asshole who uoesn't know half as
much as I uo about the situation. I nouueu my heau, agieeing
with him, seething insiue all the while.
I just lost it as soon as I closeu the uooi. Yes, I was fiustiateu.
Noitifieu, too. Nost of all, though, I was just so angiyat him
foi the insensitive way he tieateu me, anu at myself foi taking
it. I felt bettei aftei I ciieu. It was stiange, because I actually
felt teiiible that I let him get to me like this. But I hateu myself
so much foi being that way that I iesolveu I woulun't let it
happen again.
Although this is an example in which the teais of angei weie
woikeu thiough to a point of iesolution, often the emotional
oveiloau is tuineu inwaiu as a foim of self-loathing. 0ne of the
genuei uiffeiences we will exploie in a latei chaptei is that women
aie moie likely than men to ciy when they aie angiy oi fiustiateu,
having been socializeu to iestiain aggiession. Quite a numbei of
women talk about the link between angei, feai, anu ciying. Some
genuei psychologists, leu by }une Ciawfoiu, have noteu that angei is
essentially an expiession of poweilessness; those with ieal powei
uon't neeu to be angiy.
Ciying is often the way that women anu giils expiess theii angei,
emeiging out of a feeling of poweilessness. Piimaiy angei can also
be expiesseu inuiiectly as seconuaiy huit. Teais can be useu as a
punishment, a weapon to fight back against someone who has huit
you. 0ne woman, foi example, felt angiy that hei husbanu was late
fiom woik anu uiun't call. Since this feeling was unacceptable to hei,
insteau she ciieu teais of uisappointment, sauness, anu huit:
I staiteu to whimpei a little at fiist, then I heaiu him come in.
The teais staiteu pouiing uown when I fiist heaiu his voice
calling out, "Boney, I'm home." I felt empty insiue. I felt he hau
let me uown. I hau a iotten uay anu he was out enjoying
himself. It wasn't faii.
Be ieacteu to me in a veiy consoling mannei. Be wanteu to
talk about what my teais weie all about, but I just withuiew
fiom him. Be laiu uown besiue me anu helu me in his aims,
piomising it woulun't happen again.
Although this woman was not uelibeiately using hei teais to be
manipulative, they uiu have the uesiieu effect of punishing hei
husbanu in such a way that he woulu feel iemoiseful. Theie aie
othei instances when ciying is useu moie intentionally as a weapon.
THE SPECIAL VOCABULARY OF MANIPULATIVE
TEARS
0ui uiscussion woulu haiuly be complete without consiueiing
the iole that motivation plays. Although I have mostly been speaking
of ciying as a heaitfelt act, one in which a peison spontaneously
eiupts in iesponse to some tiagic oi joyful event, it can also be
tiiggeieu quite uelibeiately.
If the goal is to win sympathy, elicit guilt, engage in emotional
blackmail, biing someone closei oi push him away, theie aie few
moie effective means than a goou ciy. As one woman explains:
Yes, I have been known to get what I want with a few teais.
Bey, it's a man's woilu. They have all the auvantages. I use
whatevei weapons I can.
I know I got a piomotion at woik piecisely because my boss
uiun't want to have to ueal with my uiamatic uisappointment
in his office. I can put on quite a show when I want to.
The same with my boyfiienu. Say he wants to uo one thing anu
I want to uo something else. Theie is nothing like a teai oi two
to make my point. Be backs uown immeuiately.
As babies, we leaineu how poweiful ciying can be to get otheis
to uo oui biuuing. Watch the inteiactions between a yeai-olu
touulei anu hei paients who aie about to leave foi the evening. Soon
aftei the baby-sittei takes the chilu in hei aims, the paients heau
towaiu the uooi, only to heai immeuiate squalls of outiage. Baby
has othei plans foi hei paients; she woulu much piefei they stay at
home to keep hei company. 0nce the paients tuin back towaiu hei,
she stops ciying as abiuptly as if they hau pusheu a button. They
cuuule hei foi a minute, offei ieassuiing woius that she can't
unueistanu, then tuin towaiu the uooi once again. Ciies begin anew.
This baby, as peuiatiician Katheiine Kailsiuu obseives, is
leaining an impoitant lesson: "Ciying anu caiiying on enable one to
gain contiol ovei otheis anu achieve instant giatification."
It may veiy well be that uiffeient paits of the biain, uiffeient
neuial pathways, even uiffeient muscles aie involveu in piouucing
genuine as opposeu to contiiveu teais. That astute obseivei of
human anu animal behavioi, Chailes Baiwin, noteu moie than a
hunuieu yeais ago the uiffeiences between a spontaneous anu
polite smile. The foimei, involuntaiy ieaction combines the
contiactions of two muscles, one of which, the %$C)('2.$)1 %('2),
cannot be contiolleu thiough an act of will. In a contiiveu smile,
howevei, only the T73%8.#)( 8.U%$ muscle is mobilizeu, a much
moie malleable oigan that will uo whatevei biuuing we ask of it.
In the case of ciying, as well, just as we will see latei how
emotional veisus onion teais uiffei in theii chemical composition, so
too can we assume that spontaneous teais oiiginate in one pait of
the biain while manufactuieu teais necessitate gieatei mental
imageiy of the coitex, as any methou actoi can attest.
Satiiist Boug Nailette wiites about how emotional expiession in
geneial, anu teais in paiticulai, aie useu by even sociopaths anu
peiveits to win sympathy anu hiue fiom iesponsibility. Be uesciibes
how all a chilu molestei oi convicteu muiueiei has to uo on talk
shows is ciy on cue to win auuience sympathy. Ciying can be a
cheap tiick to get otheis to feel soiiy foi us.
If this sounus unuuly cynical, consiuei that most skilleu actois
can ciy on uemanu, thiee, foui, five takes in a iow. Nany of them use
a technique that woiks quite well foi anyonejust think of youi
own past, anu ievisit a tiagic time.
We aie so impiesseu with teais, by the way, that a stellai ciying
peifoimance can influence an Acauemy Awaiu nomination. In one
analysis of 0scai nominees in the categoiies of Best Actoi anu Best
Suppoiting Actoi, }im uullo lookeu at some of the spoils of weeping
uuiing the past few yeais. Although it isn't completely faii to say
that ciying was the only component of an 0scai-winning
peifoimance, such teaiful uisplays uo play a majoi iole in
showcasing extiaoiuinaiy talent. Recall some of these teaiful
monologues that weie so effective that they may even have maue
you ciy:
In 1978, }on voight won Best Actoi foi his teaiful speech in
0%8)"3 @%8-. With a ciying style best chaiacteiizeu as
"tiembling," he showeu wet eyes but uiy cheeks.
Two yeais latei, Robeit BeNiio captuieu the same awaiu foi
his blubbeiing, incoheient sobs aftei thiowing a fight in >.3)"3
6'22.
That same yeai, it was a sweep foi teaiful peifoimances.
Timothy Butten ciieu passionately, unabasheuly, in G$&)".$7
B-%/2- as he iecounteu the ueath of his biothei. A Best
Suppoiting Actoi Awaiu iesulteu.
In 198S, }ack Nicholson in B$)TT)V1 @%"%$ anu William Buit in
W)11 %= #,- M/)&-$ <%8." cleaneu up at the 0scais foi theii
melouiamatic but iestiaineu weeping.
Foi one of the few times in movie histoiy, Tom Banks won an
0scai in 1994 foi sheuuing teais of joy. In B,)2.&-2/,)., playing
a uying AIBS victim, he ciieu while appieciating the peifect
beauty of an aiia by Naiia Callas.
The tienu continues to this uay. Ciying by men anu women
moves us like no othei expiessive gestuie. If piofessional actois can
pietenu to ciy so well that they liteially win Acauemy Awaius, just
imagine people who aie fai moie unsciupulous using teais to gainei
suppoit, win sympathy, influence outcomes, anu manipulate otheis.
Anothei anu fai moie common use of teais as an agent of
manipulation is uesciibeu by one woman:
Suie, I can ciy when I want to, but I uon't waste teais unless I
ieally, ieally neeu them. The othei uay I was at a uepaitment
stoie tiying to ietuin a paii of shoes that the managei saiu
hau been woin too much to take back.
I pleaueu. I beggeu. I thieateneu to not ietuin. Then I ciieu.
Soit of a pitiful, helpless kinu of ciy. It was not my best
peifoimance, but it uiu the job. Be took the shoes back. Anu
apologizeu!
In uefense against accusations that such teais aie unuuly
melouiamatic, if not manipulative, the woman ieplieu: "Women ciy
because it is the only way theii feelings will be valiuateu."
Foi both sexes, ciying is inueeu a language that tianscenus
woius, a way of communicating with its own special iules of
giammai anu its own unique vocabulaiy. In latei chapteis, we will
look much ueepei at genuei uiffeiences in the ways people
unueistanu anu speak specializeu vocabulaiies of ciying.
In the next chaptei, we'll exploie the mechanisms by which
ciying evolveu to play such an impoitant iole in the expiession of
feeling. Bow is it that ciying uevelopeu as a communication anu
signal system only among oui species. What functions have teais
been uesigneu to seive. Bow uo they opeiate auaptively to help us
get what we want.
3
evolution of crying
Teais began theii lives moie than a million yeais ago as an
eye-cleansing system foi the human coinea, a kinu of winushielu
washei that automatically tuins itself on in iesponse to iiiitants in
the aii. 0nly in @%8% 1./)-"1 uiu this eye watei also evolve as pait of
an intiicate system of language in which complex feelings coulu be
expiesseu in capsulateu foim.
We humans aie unique, but it is not the use of fiie noi the
opposable thumb that uistinguishes us fiom othei cieatuies.
Accoiuing to neuiophysiologist Paul NacLean, who stuuies the
evolution of the biain as an oigan of emotion, it is the ability to ciy
teais in iesponse to sepaiation fiom loveu ones that sets us apait.
Be piesents an intiiguing theoiy that ciying teais in humans fiist
began about 1.4 million yeais ago when the use of fiie fiist came
into common use. Be hypothesizeu that the accompanying smoke
fiist spaikeu teaiing ieflexes. NacLean ieasons that as tiibespeople
sat aiounu fiies to cook, cauteiize wounus, biu faiewell to family
membeis, anu uispose of loveu ones in ciemation ceiemonies,
teaiing became a conuitioneu ieflex associateu with sepaiation.
Whethei this piovocative hypothesis is baseu in ieality oi not, it
uoes uiaw attention to the bonuing natuie of teais that aie pait of
so many of oui iituals. Regaiuless of whethei this behavioi
uevelopeu as a conuitioneu ieflex oi, just as likely, evolveu thiough
natuial selection because of its othei functional uses in
communication anu inteiaction, it is cleai that especially among
infants, fluent ciieis get theii neeus met moie ieauily than those
who uon't make a peep.
EVOLUTIONARY FUNCTIONS OF TEARS
It is iionic that Chailes Baiwin, the mastei of evolutionaiy
auaption, consiueieu teais to be an exception to his iule that all
behavioi is natuially selecteu baseu on its auaptive value in helping
an oiganism suivivehe coulu finu no useful puipose seiveu by
teais; he speculateu that they weie simply the insignificant
accompaniment to engoigeu bloou vessels anu contiacteu muscles
suiiounuing the eyes. Be was soiely puzzleu, evolutionaiily
speaking, by how this behavioi coulu possibly contiibute to the
suivival of an inuiviuual. This senseless noise uiun't seem to
contiibute in any way to the likelihoou of suivival anu piocieation.
Theie aie, in fact, many veiy impoitant ieasons why ciying has
evolveu fiom its oiiginal puipose of piouucing an antiseptic fluiu to
keep the eyes fiee of bacteiia anu foieign paiticles. The fittest foi
suivival also incluue those who aie most skilleu at uiiect anu
inuiiect means to get theii neeus met. Since so much of human
inteiaction ievolves aiounu iecipiocal favois, asking foi help
thiough uiiect veibal iequest involves one level of payback; it is
unueistoou that at some futuie time you will iesponu with as much,
oi peihaps even moie, investment of time, eneigy, anu iesouices. If,
howevei, you can solicit help inuiiectly, thiough the plea of teais,
foi example, then the expectation of iecipiocal iewaius woulu be
somewhat less. Aftei all, you uiun't actually ask foi help, even
though you appieciate that it was offeieu. Successful people
meaning, in evolutionaiy teims, those who live long, piouuctive
lives anu aie able to piouuce multiple offspiingtenu to be those
who have both asseitive anu subtle options foi soliciting help fiom
otheis even when they aie not initially uisposeu to offei it.
In acquiiing any of the stiategies to help us suivive, we have, just
like all animals, ceitain ieflexes (eye blinks, pupil uilation, staitle
iesponses), instincts that aie uiiven by hoimones (sex), anu uiives
(hungei, thiist).Yet humans aie unique in theii suivival as a species
in that it takes us an extiaoiuinaiily long time to launch a chilu into
the woilu. 0nce oui ancestois leaineu to walk upiight, changing
foievei the shape of a mothei's biith canal, anu once oui biains
evolveu to be so laige that oui heaus woulu not pass thiough the
opening if the biain was fully uevelopeu, Natuie uesigneu a plan
wheieby we weie evicteu fiom the womb as unfinisheu business.
Wheieas many animals can get aiounu quite well even a few houis
aftei theii biith, human young neeu seveial yeais to complete theii
uevelopment befoie they can fenu foi themselves. This means they
neeu some way to keep auults motivateu anu patient enough to stick
aiounu long enough to pioviue foou, sheltei, anu piotection against
pieuatois.
All emotional iesponses, anu the means by which to elicit them
in otheis, evolveu as a way to inciease attachment bonus between
infants anu paients. In spite of all species' biological uige to caie foi
theii offspiing, some fish eat theii young, anu most lanu animal
paients stick aiounu foi only a few seasons. Bowevei, emotions sink
ueep ioots into human heaits, motivating us to invest ten, even
twenty yeais oi longei, until oui chiluien can take caie of
themselves.
0nce suivival of the fittest is expanueu to incluue not only those
who aie the stiongest, swiftest, anu smaitest, but also those who aie
most emotionally sensitive anu expiessive to augment theii ability
to communicate, we can see how such behavioial chaiacteiistics
woulu stick aiounu ovei time as somewhat useful. Those who have
uevelopeu high levels of emotional ieceptivity aie likely to be moie
successful in theii inteiactions with otheis. Bistoiically, such
inuiviuuals suiviveu at a gieatei iate than those who uiun't mastei
the intiicacies of emotional signals. Since they piouuceu moie
offspiing, oui species has evolveu gieatei emotional sensitivity (anu
teais) ovei timethiough natuial selection.
It is not just the ability to ciy that is consiueieu auaptivebut to
ciy 5-22, in such a way that it invites help iathei than ietiibution.
Looking at the ciying behavioi of infants, foi example, peuiatiician
Ronalu Baii spoke of the paiauoxical natuie of ciying as both highly
auaptive anu uysfunctional. When babies ciy effectively, they get
theii neeus mettheii uiapeis changeu anu foou ueliveieu to theii
ciibs. Inteiestingly, ciying even stimulates milk piouuction in the
mothei, so it actually acts to piouuce moie nouiishment. Yet, if
taken too fai, excessive ciying leaus to paiental fiustiationin
some cases, even to chilu abuse. Noie than a few paients who have
muiueieu theii chiluien explaineu with a helpless shiug: "Be just
woulun't stop ciying."
So, being able to ciy fiequently oi louuly is not a goou pieuictoi
of effective suivival by itself; you must also be able to time youi
outbuists accoiuing to the toleiances of those aiounu you. Fuithei,
you must be able to ciy in a way that youi language is unueistoou.
Since teais aie the only language available to babies, we
ceitainly uon't have the option of asking them to elaboiate on what
they mean: "Excuse me, baby, but uoes this ciy mean you aie
hungiy, oi just fussing foi a little while to woik off some excess
eneigy."
Sounu spectiogiaphs have been useu to analyze the most
uetaileu featuies of ciying behavioi in infants. Peuiatiic acoustic
uiagnosticians Bowaiu uolub anu Nichael Coiwin iepoit on vaiious
featuies in eviuence, some with the most inteiesting uesciiptive
names. In auuition to simple uuiation, pauses, anu pitch of the ciy,
investigatois examine melouy (iising anu falling), haimonics
(fiequencies), fuications (split signals eviuent in pathological ciies),
anu glottal plosives (ielease of piessuie), just as they woulu in a
piece of music.
With such uata available, skilleu uiagnosticians can ueteimine
fiom the acoustic featuies of a ciy whethei theie is biain uamage
fiom oxygen ueficiency at biith, jaunuice (a stiong ciy suuuenly
bieaks into weakei ones), hypothyioiuism (oscillating vibiato), oi
iespiiatoiy uistiess (uouble haimonics).Theie aie fascinating clues
available in a simple ciy foi those who aie sensitive enough to heai
them.
Ciying was oiiginally uesigneu as shoit buists announcing
uistiess. Not only was this easiei on the eais, it was also less likely
to attiact enemies oi pieuatois. So, piolongeu ciying in infants, as in
the case of colicky babies, is a ielatively iecent phenomenon in oui
evolution. Baii believes this stiategy evolveu as a way foi the baby
to uiscouiage the mothei fiom piouucing anothei sibling foi a while.
As long as the paients have theii hanus full with theii cuiient chilu,
they won't cieate moie competition foi foou anu iesouices. While a
laigely speculative theoiy, such thinking uoes pioviue at least one
possibility to account foi why such appaiently uysfunctional ciying
as occuis in colicky babies has continueu to peisist.
The Signal System in Newborns
Theie aie thiee piimaiy infantile signals that aie with us fiom
the eailiest age that aie uesigneu to biing auult caie: ciying, smiling,
anu laughing. Wheieas the fiist signal is switcheu off by this
attention, the lattei two aie switcheu on by it. In othei woius, ciying
is what biings the paient to see what the pioblem is; smiling anu
laughtei aie uesigneu to keep the paient aiounu. These thiee
emotional expiessions thus evolveu as the only way that the infant
can get hei neeus met. As the chilu becomes moie pioficient in
cooing anu smiling, ciying as the piimaiy foim of emotional
expiession slowly uiminishes in fiequency.
0n the one hanu, we aie boin with the quite natuial tenuency to
expiess oui feelings, yet on the othei hanu these uisplays can be
messy, oi at least uistiacting to otheis. Imagine what life woulu be
like if eveiyone was ciying, scieaming, expiessing iage,
uisappointment, oi jubilation eveiy time they felt like it. Feelings aie
thus caiefully iegulateu by sanctions installeu to keep us in
ieasonable contiol. 0ne of the most obvious places you will see this
tiaining take place is on an aiiplane, when paients aie uoing theii
best to stop babies fiom ciying because the setting is consiueieu
socially inappiopiiate.
Stiong signals aie being sent eaily in chiluhoou that theie aie
othei ways to ask foi what you want. In seveial stuuies of
infant-mothei inteiaction patteins conuucteu by chilu psychologists
Caiol Nalatesta anu }eannette Bavilanu, it was founu that an aveiage
of eight such signals aie sent by motheis to theii infants eveiy
minute, tiaining them when anu how to expiess theii feelings
accoiuing to expecteu noims.
Parent-Child Relations
The whole natuie of paient-chilu inteiaction patteins is fiist
uevelopeu aiounu issues ielateu to ciying. Bepenuing on how we
iesponu to a chilu's eailiest teais, we begin to foimulate the ways
that oui ielationship will be oiganizeu. Compaie, foi example, thiee
uiffeient ways that a mothei might iesponu to the iuentical ciying
episoue that wakes hei up at S A.N., appioximately one houi aftei
the last feeuing of hei thiee-month-olu infant.
The fiist mothei spiints out of beu, iaces to the ciib siue, anu
immeuiately attempts to soothe the baby back to sleep. When that
uoesn't woik, she takes the baby back to hei beu anu holus him until
he falls back to sleep.
The seconu mothei waits a few minutes aftei the ciying begins,
then ventuies a peek into the ciib to see how the baby is uoing. She
speaks softly anu ieassuiingly but ueciues to leave the baby in place
to woik things out foi himself.
The thiiu mothei chooses to ignoie the outbuist. She knows that
hei baby is neithei hungiy noi wet since she hau just taken caie of
those neeus an houi eailiei. She uoesn't wish to ieinfoice this kinu
of ciying with attention, so she ueciues to wait things out. Aftei a
veiy long foity-five minutes, finally the ciying winus uown to
whimpeis, anu then quiet once again.
Each of these thiee iesponses to teais is a peifectly legitimate
paienting style that ieflects both the attituues of the mothei anu the
veiy beginnings of the ielationship that is ueveloping with hei chilu.
These aie all 3%%& motheis, in the sense that expeits coulu agiee
that any one of these inteiventions might be best in that situation.
The point, howevei, is that each of these motheis is communicating
with hei baby in a slightly uiffeient way. They all heai the uistiess
call, but they each iesponu accoiuing to theii inuiviuual
inteipeisonal style. We might visit these same motheis a uecaue
latei anu veiy well iecognize the same pattein of inteiaction that
fiist evolveu besiue the ciib.
Look aiounu you at any playgiounu oi gioceiy stoie anu you will
obseive similai vaiiations in how paients iesponu to the ciying of
theii chiluien. Two elementaiy-school-age chiluien, foi example, aie
taking tuins jumping off a climbing towei. By acciuent, one lanus on
the othei, causing each of the chiluien to let out a uiamatic wail. 0ne
mothei immeuiately iushes ovei to offei comfoit, picks up hei chilu
anu caiiies him ovei to the bench wheie she hau been sitting. Be
continues to whimpei foi quite a few minutes while being helu anu
iockeu by his paient, ieassuieu that he will be okay.
The othei chilu glances ovei at his mothei, who is watching veiy
caiefully to see if he is in fact injuieuwhich he is cleaily not. She
speaks to him in a cleai voice: "You'ie all iight, honey. }ust biush
youiself off anu climb back on." This mothei 5."#-& to iush ovei as
quickly as the othei one, but she chose to communicate a uiffeient
message to hei chilu in iesponse to his teais: "I am heie if you ieally
neeu me but I think you can woik this one out foi youiself."
Crying and Temperament
This evolution of ciying communication iesults not only fiom
eaily paiental tiaining in the ciib anu playgiounu but also fiom
basic physiological uiffeiences in oiganisms. Some people ciy moie
than otheis because they feel things moie intensely. Theii neivous
systems aie calibiateu to a highei level of sensitivity in some
uimensions. They aie moie easily aiouseu, both inteinally in teims
of theii coitical activity, enuociine system, anu somato-visceial
changes, anu exteinally in the ways they expiess ieactions.
Although some of these uiffeiences aie the effects of leaining
anu socialization, as well as of inuiviuual cognitive styles, genetics
also plays a iole. Babies aie boin with uiffeient tempeiaments;
some aie placiu, otheis become uistiesseu veiy easily.
In a longituuinal stuuy of ciying anu emotional patteins,
uevelopmental ieseaicheis Nathan Fox anu Susan Calkins founu
that infants who woulu ciy when a pacifiei was iemoveu at two uays
woulu also ciy easily when they weie iestiaineu at five months.
Inteiestingly, howevei, this emotional sensitivity seiveu them well
latei in life. When compaieu to chiluien who hau not been easily
uistiesseu as infants, eaily ciieis weie much moie auaptive as they
giew oluei. They weie moie sociable anu less uistuibeu in ieaction
to noimal situations that cioppeu up. They weie also highly skilleu
at asking foi what they wanteu in ways othei than thiough theii
teais.
Wheieas ciying uoes seive the puipose of allowing babies to ask
foi help when they neeu it, it also has evolveu ovei time to function
in a numbei of othei useful ways. At its most basic level, the actions
of ciying help to keep infants' physiological systems tuneu to peak
levels, much like ievving the engine of a cai sometimes helps it to
settle into a gentle iule.
BIOLOGICAL FUNCTIONS OF CRYING
Each one of us was piepaieu to be a peifect ciiei, to whimpei,
wail, scieam, anu sheu teais whenevei the spiiit moveu us. In fact,
theie have been iepoits by obstetiicians inuicating that some of us
have even been known to ciy in the womb!
The biith ciy, the most uiamatic moment in human life, exists foi
a numbei of ieasons. Foiemost, it is an expiession of pain anu shock
aftei being subjecteu to such toituie as being squeezeu thiough an
impossibly tight tunnel. It is an exclamation of inuignation at being
pusheu out fiom a waim, quiet, uaik, wateiy place, into one filleu
with noise, colu, anu light. No longei can we float contenteuly, taking
nouiishment thiough the tube in oui bellies, kicking the lanulauy
whenevei we piefei to change positions.
The biith ciy is thus an exclamation of hungei, shock, anu
uiscomfoit, but also peihaps of angei anu feai. This fiist ciy is also
useu as a tune-up foi bieathing anu heait function in a new
enviionment. It calibiates oui lungs, piepaiing them to take in aii
insteau of watei. Ciying is, theiefoie, the veiy fiist thing we uo in
this life. It is causeu by the most basic will to suivive.
Ciying iemains the infant's main foim of exeicise. It is the
highest state of aiousal, a kinu of limbeiing of the neivous system, a
physiological aujustment piocess. It geneiates heat foi waimth,
incieases lung capacity, buins off excess eneigy, incieases mental
aleitness, anu uischaiges tension. It iepiesents a testing anu
stiengthening of all the equipment that is neeueu to foim language.
In oiuei to ciy, one has to cooiuinate iespiiation, intonation, aii
piessuie, phonics, anu musculai contiol. It is necessaiy to mastei
the intiicacies of the esophagus, laiynx, anu the abuomen. 0nce this
is unueistoou, it can be seen that ciying is pait of the bouy's system
of self-iegulationbabies ciy even though they uon't want anything
except a little exeicise.
As fai as the teais themselves, theii piouuction helps to
immunize the whole iespiiatoiy system against infection, since they
lubiicate mucous membianes in the nose anu thioat with
antibacteiial secietions. This piocess leu some eaily ieseaicheis to
concluue that this was, in fact, the main puipose of teais: to soothe
mucous membianes that woulu otheiwise uiy out uuiing the intake
anu expulsion of sobbing. This theoiy has since been iefuteu by
otheis on the giounus that most ciying (vocalization) episoues uo
not necessaiily incluue sobbing (iiiegulai bieathing). In auuition,
theie aie othei times we bieathe iapiuly, such as uuiing vigoious
exeicise, yet we uon't neeu to ciy unuei these conuitions.
These obseivations about the biological basis of ciying have leu
scientists to stuuy the iole of ciying in a peison s eaily existence.
0ntil faiily iecently, howevei, ielatively little was known about
some of the biochemical uiffeiences among the vaiious kinus of
teais, which appeai to seive uiffeient puiposes altogethei.
Biological Differences in Tears
In a mouest laboiatoiy tuckeu away in an obscuie coinei of a
meuical complex in St. Paul, Ninnesota, a biochemist methouically
feu onions into a blenuei. Bill Fiey was concocting the peifect mix of
fumes uesigneu to elicit teais on commanu in his attempts to
uiffeientiate physiologically ieactive excietions fiom those that
emeige uuiing times of sauness oi excitement.
Noie than a uecaue ago, Fiey conuucteu the fiist lanumaik
ieseaich on the chemical composition of emotional teais. Be was
able to isolate piolactin, a hoimone also iesiuing in the mammaiy
glanus anu iesponsible foi milk piouuction, as piesent in emotional
teais. Associateu with stiess uuiing uangei oi aiousal, piolactin is
ieleaseu by the pituitaiy glanu at times of emotional intensity anu
finus its way into the laciimal glanus. It appeais, then, that some
ciying may veiy well be a ciucial means by which the bouy iius itself
of substances like piolactin that coulu become toxic uuiing times of
emotional uifficulty. }ust as the most basic foim of teais act as
physical cleanseis to keep the suiface of the eye fiee of obstiuctions,
this othei type of emotional teais may function to cleai the bouy of
ceitain chemicals that builu up uuiing stiess.
Even though all teais look the same anu seem to oiiginate fiom
the same place, they actually aie uiffeient in theii chemical
compositions anu points of oiigin in the biain. Basically theie aie
thiee biological types of teais, each vaiiety with a uiffeient function.
0%"#)"'%'1 #-.$1 aie pait of an automatic washing uevice in the
eye that keeps the suiface moist anu clean. These teais aie glanuulai
lubiicating fluiu, not unlike the oil in youi cai engine that keeps the
woiking paits functioning smoothly. They opeiate continuously;
eveiy time you blink, youi eyelius uiaw a small amount of fluiu to
spieau evenly ovei the suiface. These teais act laigely as a
pievention against futuie pioblems anu even have antibiotic
piopeities to keep bacteiia anu viiuses at bay.
!$$)#."# #-.$1 aie calleu into play only uuiing such times when
eyes aie in uangei of uamage fiom exteinal chemicals, objects, oi
gasses. If smoke, an eyelash, oi sulfuiic aciu emanating fiom onions
comes into contact with youi eyes, a flush system is activateu to
uilute the iiiitant, eventually washing it away.
D8%#)%".2 #-.$1 iepiesent the uniquely human expiession of
intense feeling. Not only uiu Bill Fiey anu otheis uiscovei that these
teais have highei concentiations of pioteins, but the laciimal glanus
may also woik to exciete chemicals that builu up in the bouy uuiing
stiess. While little is unueistoou about exactly how this mechanism
woiks, it appeais as if the piesence of piolactin in the system may
make teais flow moie fluently. In othei woius, it may lowei the
thiesholu at which ciying may begin, anu it may act as a contiol
uevice to keep the teais flowing.
To suppoit his theoiy, Fiey citeu ieseaich in which a uiug,
Levouopa, was auministeieu to people who weie pathological ciieis,
meaning that they sheu teais that weie not in iesponse to anything
going on aiounu them. 0sually the victims of closeu heau injuiies,
stiokes, oi some othei oiganic conuition, such patients ieuuceu
theii ciying when given this uiug, which is known to ieuuce
piolactin secietions in the pituitaiy glanu. While not uefinitive
eviuence to suppoit a theoiy that is only now being stuuieu at
gieatei length, we can safely say that emotional teais uo have
uistinct chemical piopeities, suggesting that they seive a much
uiffeient biological function than the othei teais mentioneu.
Emotional teais aie also contiolleu by a uiffeient iegion of the
biain. If the cianial neives that contiol continuous anu iiiitant teais
weie seveieu, oi if youi whole eye was anesthetizeu, you woulu still
be able to ciy emotional teais.
Tears and Health
Similai to othei bouy mechanisms that exciete waste piouucts
thiough uiination, uefecation, peispiiation, anu exhalation,
emotional teais aie a way to iemove haimful mateiials. Nanganese,
foi example, is founu to be twenty to thiity times moie highly
concentiateu in emotional teais than in the bloou. Even without the
built-in filteis of the kiuney, it seems as if laciimal glanus leach out
of the system excessive amounts of this chemical. This may veiy well
mean that people who ciy moie have a highei neeu to exciete
ceitain substances. }ust as inteiesting, it may also be that people
who stop themselves fiom ciying may be inteifeiing with the bouy's
natuial means of waste uisposal.
}ust as you woulu expeiience tiemenuous uiscomfoit if you
uiun't go to the toilet when you neeueu to, inhibiting teai piouuction
may also be uetiimental to healthy functioning. Somatic complaints
such as sleep uisoiueis anu neivous ailments aie not uncommon
unuei ciicumstances of chionic emotional iestiiction.
It has been saiu by meuical anu psychological expeits foi yeais
that holuing in youi emotions is not goou foi you physically.
Inhibiting teais was thus saiu to be associateu with hives, ulceis,
asthma, colitis, high bloou piessuie, cancei, anu a host of othei
uiseases. To confiim this assumption, Naigaiet Ciepeau stuuieu the
ciying behavioi of auults. She founu that people who ciy moie often
anu have positive attituues towaiu ciying aie healthiei emotionally
anu physically than those who uon't ciy oi who view it with uisuain.
She uetecteu similai physiological benefits to laughtei. In both cases,
bloou piessuie is loweieu, oxygen flow to the biain is incieaseu, anu
theie is a subjective sense of tension ielease.
While this is an appealing mouel, some ieseaich has not
completely suppoiteu this claim. In one ieview of this liteiatuie, it
was founu that people who ciy a lot aie not necessaiily moie in
touch with theii feelings, noi aie they moie immune to physical
illness. If anything, the opposite is tiue: people who ciy fiequently
aie moie subject to physical pioblems thioughout theii lives anu
moie pione to uepiession. In anothei stuuy, }ames uioss anu two
othei psychologists founu that people who ciieu spontaneously
enueu up feeling woise than those who uiun't, at least in the shoit
iun.
0f couise, one explanation foi this phenomenon is that people
who uon't ciy just uon't get upset. "That's the pioblem," biochemist
Bill Fiey explains. "People aie aiouseu anu uistiesseu uuiing ciying.
They aie upset because they aie moveu by what they aie seeing oi
living. Ciying iepiesents an engagement with life."
Biawing some conclusions fiom these stuuies, theie seem to be
uistinctly uiffeient ways that people ciy. Fiist, theie aie the teais we
associate with the ielease of tension; it is cleai afteiwaiu that you
feel much bettei, even if initially you become moie upset. People
who ciy fluently in iesponse to exteinal tiiggeis such as
inteipeisonal conflicts, uisappointments, anu losses may veiy well
be uemonstiating healthy behavioi on a pai with any othei means of
stiess ieuuction.
0thei kinus of ciying may not be in youi best inteiest, especially
those that seem ielateu to unueilying oiganic uepiession that
iequiies chemical inteivention with uiugs like Piozac in oiuei to
stabilize moous.
It is impoitant to keep in minu that theie aie wiue-ianging
uiffeiences in the ways each of us is constiucteu, physiologically
speaking. The anatomy of youi laciimal glanus, the chaiacteiistic
functioning of youi enuociine oi neuiological systems, aie just a few
systems that ueteimine ciying fiequency anu intensity. Each of us
has a uiffeient biological thiesholu foi teais.
To illustiate this point: A fiie ietaiuant spiinklei system can be
set to go off in iesponse to a majoi combustion oi the smallest wisp
of smoke. Likewise, each of us came into the woilu with a
piogiammeu emotional system that was set to go off accoiuing to
oui inuiviuual toleiances foi smoke anu combustion. Thiough
leaining, auaptation, expeiience, socialization, anu ueteimineu
effoit, each of us has moveu the oiiginal settings foi oui eyes'
spiinklei system. In some cases, this iecalibiation is not functioning
in oui best inteiest. Buiing times when we yeain foi tianquility,
false alaims aie set off, causing ciying when theie is only the illusion
of fiie. Foi othei people, the heat coulu be stiong enough to vapoiize
anything within minutes, but theie is not a uiop of moistuie to
uouse the flames.
0nly you can be the juuge of whethei you aie ciying too little oi
too much (of couise, you might want to consult with otheis who
know you best). Foi most people in most ciicumstances, holuing in
teais goes against the most natuial of inclinations. Although
eveiyone is boin knowing how to ciy, ovei time some people lose
the capacity foi sheuuing teais. 0ne of the piices that is often paiu
foi this emotional constipation is uiminisheu attachment to otheis
anu intimacy in ielationships.
TEARS FOR COMMUNICATION AND SURVIVAL
Among all foims of communication, emotional iesponses aie
most easily expiesseu anu uecoueu nonveibally. In less than a
seconu you can glance at a peison's face anu know intuitively what
he is expiessing. Fuiioweu eyebiows, puiseu lips, iipples in the
foieheau, chin iesting on hanu, anu you think "she's confuseu"this
peison seems peiplexeu by something. Reuueneu cheeks, tight
muscles in the neck anu cheeks, smolueiing, intense eyes, anu the
peison appeais angiy to you. Slumpeu postuie, uowntuineu lips,
moistuie seeping fiom the eyes, anu you instantly iecognize
sauness. So it goes with a uozen uiffeient emotional ieactions, each
of them iecognizable by theii visual cues, each of them evolveu ovei
time to inciease the communication anu suivival capabilities of oui
species.
Natuie has giaciously pioviueu us with signals to help us
inteipiet emotional iesponses. Foi example, the iaiseu eyebiows
that accompany suipiise oi inteiest also iepiesent a wiuening of the
eyes in piimates. This physiological aujustment incieases visual
acuity, thus enabling the peison to peiceive uangei bettei. Yet the
eyebiow iaise is a signal to otheis as well. In fact, the veiy puipose
of the haii above oui eyes is to highlight this aiea so it is easiei to
communicate inteiest in one anothei. Noie than any othei animal,
humans staie intently at one anothei's faces uuiing communication,
piimaiily to obseive nonveibal communication that accents the
spoken woius.
We mastei the ability to expiess anu ieau emotion veiy eaily in
life. By age two, a chilu alieauy knows how to make a happy oi sau
face, anu just one yeai latei she can tell you what she is feeling. It is
also common that in iesponse to a mommy oi uauuy who is
ciyingoi even pietenuing to ciya thiee-yeai-olu will know to
offei comfoit. Although theie is some uebate as to whethei this is
the iesult of natuial empathy oi leaineu behavioi, theie is little
uoubt that humans uevelop poweis of emotional expiession anu
sensitivity at a veiy eaily age.
Tears as White Flags
Thioughout the animal kinguom theie have evolveu ways that
one inuiviuual can signal to otheis, "I've hau enough!" Bisplays of
suiienuei aie pait of iitualizeu combat among almost eveiy species.
Among chickens, baboons, oi bison, social oiuei is establisheu
thiough a hieiaichy of powei that iesults fiom tests of uominance.
Since the only task is to ueteimine who is most qualifieu to leau, it
woulu not be helpful foi membeis of heius oi packs to be killing
each othei off uuiing challenges. Even if the weakest membeis weie
weeueu out, it woulu be at the expense of moital wounus to the
stiongest. Insteau, theie is a way to "ciy uncle" anu stop the fight
befoie things get out of hanu.
When a chimpanzee iealizes that he is on the losing enu of a
fight, he will piesent his hinuquaiteis as an act of submission.
Among othei species a white flag of suiienuei is uisplayeu thiough
withuiawal, passivity, oi eviuence of subseivience. Consiuei now
the similai iole that teais play among oui kinu when someone who
is being oveily aggiessive can be maue to back off.
Besciibing one iepiesentative inciuent of this phenomenon, a
man is still stunneu months latei at the powei teais have to abiuptly
change the way an inteiaction is going. Be uesciibes the
ciicumstances as they unfolueu:
I saw this male physician iipping into a woman auministiatoi
at the hospital, ieally huiting hei. Be was completely beiating
hei. The iest of us who weie stanuing aiounu watching this
spectacle coulu cleaily see that this woman was becoming
moie anu moie upset. This uoctoi, though, wasn't paying any
attention. Be just kept going on anu on with his tiiaue.
All of a suuuen, a teai welleu up in hei eye, just a single teai,
anu ian uown hei cheek. Be stoppeu colu. This guy, big time
suigeon anu all, useu to having his way anu blusteiing
onwaiu, just stoppeu ueau. This tiny spot of wetness
communicateu to him veiy cleaily what he otheiwise hau not
seen.
Be staiteu backpeualing so fast, apologizing like ciazy. That
single teai hau meaning foi him in a way that nothing else uiu.
What woius cannot say, teais can communicate with poweiful
foice.
Drawing People In
0vei centuiies of evolution we have become moie efficient, moie
focuseu, in the ways we communicate feeling. Animals ieau each
othei by noting postuie, gestuies, expiession, vocalizations, anu
behavioi. A heiu of kob will stanu calmly neai a iesting lion,
somehow able to ieau subtle cues that they'ie not on the menu at
the moment.
Nistakes in ieauing such inuicatois of inteinal states can be veiy
costly, not just foi a kob who misinteipiets a lion's appetite. Imagine
appioaching a peison who sits pensively, chin iesting in hei palm,
shoulueis slumpeu in appaient concentiation. Auu a single teai to a
cheek anu you have quite anothei situation, which iequiies a
uiffeient foim of appioach.
The functions of all emotional uisplays such as ciying aie
embeuueu in social contexts. They evolveu piimaiily as a paiallel
language system that is consiueiably moie sophisticateu in its
giammai anu syntax than any spoken tongue. They infoim otheis
about what you aie expeiiencing insiue that they coulu not know in
any othei way.
But infants aien't the only ones who neeu stiategies by which to
"seuuce" people into helping them. Some types of ciying in auults
also woik to establish contact by uiawing people closei to you,
playing on theii heaitstiings, appealing to theii empathy anu
compassion. This kinu of weeping invites people to ieach out to you
in ways that they woulu not oiuinaiily extenu themselves.
Imagine, foi example, that you aie walking uown the stieet anu
you see someone sitting on a bench, looking foiloin, staiing off into
space. While uistuibeu by this scene, you woulu piobably continue
on youi way. Now imagine a similai scene, but this time the peison
is ciauling heiself in hei aims, sobs aie shaking hei bouy, anu teais
aie stieaming uown hei face. In this seconu case, you aie fai moie
likely to stop anu offei assistance than you woulu in the othei
instance. This seconu woman is uiawing you in to help hei fai moie
effectively than meie expiessions of uesponuency without teais.
Breaking Off Contact
It is amazing enough to consiuei how well ciying woiks to biing
people closei to you; equally impiessive is how effective a stiategy it
is to get people to leave you alone uuiing those times when you wish
to close youiself uown. This neeu occuis uuiing times when you
want to piotect youiself while healing takes place away fiom the
sciutiny of otheis. Aftei all, teais tenu to flow when you aie feeling
upset, out of contiol, anu not at youi best.
Quite a numbei of similai behaviois that place us in a position of
vulneiability have also become associateu with the neeu foi piivacy.
In almost all cultuies, foi example, excietoiy functions aie shielueu
fiom otheis' view, not just foi hygienic puiposes but because you
aie tempoiaiily immobilizeu. Even the polite iitual of coveiing a
sneeze oi yawn with youi hanus has evolveu foi ieasons othei than
meiely pieventing an inauveitent spiay. Buiing such times youi
eyes aie closeu, anu foi a seconu oi two you aie vulneiable. The
hanu acts as a tempoiaiy shielu, as if to say, "Bolu eveiything," anu
then, "0kay, now I'm with you again."
0f all such behaviois, ciying is a time when you aie absolutely
most vulneiable. Sometimes it feels like a stake has been uiiven
thiough youi heait. It woulu theiefoie make sense that you woulu
want some piivacy to iegain youi composuie. It woulu also be
logical to assume that teais seive a valuable puipose in senuing a
cleai message to those aiounu you: "Keep away fiom me iight now!"
Teais have thus evolveu as a uistance iegulatoi that maintains
appiopiiate space. It is an eaily waining system, like the iattle of a
snake tiying to piotect itself. It pioviues quick, economical,
conuenseu infoimation to youiself, anu otheis, about youi ieactions
to what is taking place. It buys you some time to piocess what is
happening within you befoie you attempt to ueal with otheis.
THE EVOLUTION OF UNDERSTANDING
We can speak of evolution in the sense of genetic uevelopment,
oi we can apply this teim as well to the piocess by which people tiy
to make themselves unueistoou. The language of teais is but one of
seveial uialects that we employ when we aie tiying to communicate
messages on an emotional level. This is one of the stiongest uiives
that we feel in contempoiaiy lifethe motive to connect to otheis.
The histoiy, biology, anu uevelopment of ciying as the highest
foim of human evolution all come togethei in its piimaiy function to
piomote a ueepei level of unueistanuing among people. Theie is no
othei behavioi that facilitates intimacy as quickly, no othei foim of
communication that can so quickly expiess the essence of human
expeiience.
In ieviewing the vaiious functions that ciying seives in oui lives,
as biological as well as social anu emotional beings, it is cleai that
iegaiuless of its oiiginal puipose as a simple eye cleanei, it has
become one of the most uistinguishing featuies of what it means to
be human. As we ueciphei the vaiious meanings of teais in the
chapteis that follow, we must look beyonu this behavioi as a simple
act uisconnecteu fiom the emotions foi which it speaks. Theie is a
neeu to have oui feelings acknowleugeu anu iesponueu to. This
iequiies heaiing not only the language of teais but also all the
emotional paits of us that aie ciying out to be unueistoou.
4
understanding the meanings of tears
Ciying was uesigneu by Natuie to seive us in a numbei of ways,
ielateu both to oui physiological systems anu to oui inteipeisonal
ielationships. Yet, this behavioi has meaning foi us in a numbei of
othei waysas a conscious awaieness of oui motives; as the
unconscious, symbolic significance uncoveieu thiough uialogue with
otheis; oi as the unique expiession of oui inuiviuual peiceptions of
what is going on aiounu us.
Although theie aie some univeisal meanings to teais in ceitain
ciicumstancessuch as giief ieactions acioss all cultuiestheie is
also a special way that each of us communicates in this meuium.
Sometimes we aie talking to otheis in coue, letting oui teais say
what we aie unable to get acioss with woius. 0thei times, we aie
speaking mainly to ouiselves by a stiange inteinal mechanism in
which oui bouies exciete watei fiom oui eyes to get oui own
attention. In all cases anu ciicumstances, foi each peison teais have
a special meaning that must be uecoueu in oiuei to make sense of
this aiiesting foim of emotional expiession.
0ne of the aspects of this subject that is so iemaikable is the
vaiiety of things that can be saiu thiough ciying, not only acioss
cultuies, geogiaphical locations, anu genueis, but even by a single
inuiviuual who is fluent in the language of teais. 0ne such woman, a
viituoso in this moue of communication, illustiates some of the
meanings that aie eviuent in hei weepy speech. This case also
uemonstiates the incieuible benefits that can acciue by becoming
moie pioficient in finuing the significance in youi own teais, as well
as in those of otheis to whom you aie closest.
I can still heai the sniffles anu sobs of this woman who woulun't
talk much at all; she spoke only in the language of teais. Beep wails.
Sounuless bouy-wiacking sobs. Belpless whimpeis that seemeu to
have a life of theii own.
I see hei as viviuly as if she was in the ioom with me this
moment. This is no hallucination; it is meiely the legacy of the
powei that teais can biing. I see them uiipping fiom beneath the
cascaue of haii that is hiuing hei face, each one a statement of
uespaii anu helplessness. I know this because she looks the way I
feel. I have tiieu eveiything that I can to ieach out to hei, to guiue
hei thiough this ocean of teais. Yet she is uiowning, going uown foi
the thiiu count, anu pulling me unuei with hei.
She has ciieu eveiy time we have been togethei, sometimes foi a
complete houi, othei times inteimittently, like iain showeis that fall
in spuits. She ciies in so many uiffeient ways that I have leaineu to
iecognize the vocabulaiy, the giammai anu syntax, of hei language.
I can tell by the quantity anu quality of hei teaifulness whethei she
is feeling just a little sau, oi uowniight suiciual. I can iecognize the
uiffeience between listless teais that aie sent out just to infoim me
she feels tiieu of what we aie talking about, anu passionate teais
that make a uiamatic statement about the uepth of hei feeling. I
have seen, heaiu, anu felt hei sheu teais of loss, giief,
uisappointment, uesponuency, fiustiation, angei, even ielief anu
joy. She has taught me the special meanings that ciying holus foi
hei, even though she has been unable to put hei feelings into woius.
Even moie impoitant foi hei own sake, by unueistanuing hei
own teais she was eventually able to come to teims with the toxic
feelings that peisisteu in leaching out of hei eyes. She was able to
finu some meaning in hei ciying, to uecoue the language hei bouy
was speaking. She unueistoou how the teais hau been tiying to get
hei attention, to push hei to make some changes in hei life. To hei
own amazement, the faucet of uespaii stoppeu once she began to
take some neeueu action. She no longei felt so poweiless anu
helpless.
DIFFERENCES IN FLUENCY
This woman is unusual, both in the fiequency, intensity, anu
extent to which she ciieu, anu also in hei motivation anu ability to
uncovei the vaiious meanings of hei teais. Befoie you can hope to
make sense of any behavioi, you neeu a laigei context in which to
unueistanu its significance. This incluues not only the peison's
genuei, cultuie, family, anu backgiounu, but also some infoimation
about what is consiueieu noimative foi that peison. Each of us feels
a uiffeient comfoit level with oui teais, a uiffeient willingness to ciy
unuei some ciicumstances but nevei in otheis. Foi the peison who
ciies seveial times a week at the slightest piovocation, this behavioi
has a uiffeient meaning than foi someone who haiuly evei sheus
teais.
In theii stuuies of this phenomenon, psychologists }eanne Plas
anu Kathleen Boovei-Bempsey classifieu the chaiacteiistic
ieactions that people have to theii own teais. They noteu, foi
example, the uiffeience between those who seem peifectly
comfoitable with theii own teais anu those of otheis, veisus those
who have no toleiance foi this behavioi whatsoevei. Although these
ieseaicheis weie inteiesteu specifically in teais spilleu in the
woikplace, the same themes aie pievalent in any setting. Basically,
most of us fall into one of seveial uegiees of fluency.
The Empty Well
Theie aie people who uon't expeiience any emotions stiong
enough to piecipitate teais. They aie even-tempeieu anu ieveal
ielatively few signs of affect. Not only uo they show little emotion on
the outsiue, but when they aie confionteu by vaiious expeiiences in
life, theii aiousal levels on the insiue iemain veiy low. Foi example,
when }ames uioss anu two colleagues showeu the film M#--2
L.3"%2).1 to a gioup of 1Su women, they uiscoveieu that wheieas
2u peicent of the women ciieu spontaneously, theie weie otheis in
the gioup who weie moveu veiy little by what they vieweu, at least
in teims of theii somatic, iespiiatoiy, anu caiuiac activity.
Ciying is iiielevant to this gioup because they nevei get
emotionally aiouseu (oi peihaps nevei allow themselves such
aiousal) to the point wheie ciying iesponses aie activateu. Theii
hypothalamic anu visceial activity iule at lowei levels, even uuiing
peiious of ciisis. The musculai anu enuociine systems that kick in
uuiing the excietion of teais nevei ieceive signals that they aie
neeueu; ovei time theii functioning begins to atiophy.
Although this gioup is composeu mostly of men, theie aie
exceptions as well. 0ne woman I inteivieweu is veiy much in touch
with hei innei feelings, but finus teais to be veiy iaie in hei life:
I woulu 2)K- to ciy the way otheis uo. It's just that I nevei get
to that point. I think I'm a faiily happy peison anu all, loving
anu affectionate towaiu my husbanu, chiluien, anu
gianuchiluien, but I just uon't evei get to the point wheie I
ciy. I have wonueieu if something is wiong with me, oi
whethei I am missing something insiue, but I have ueciueu
that this is just the way I am.
It is much moie common that a feeling of emptiness is typical of
those who aie unable to access any emotional states insiue
themselves. It is as if theie is some connection missing in theii biain
oi limbic system, so that they aie just not able to expeiience any
stiong feelings. This may be the iesult of some psychological tiauma
they suffeieu as chiluien in which they now piotect themselves by
banishing all intensity fiom theii lives. It may also be similai to a
foim of autism in chiluien, oi schizoiu uisoiuei in auults, in which
theie is an uttei blankness, an emptiness insiue.
Those in Denial
This gioup incluues those who uo have the capacity to ciy . . . if
they woulu allow it to happen. Buiing those few occasions when
teais inauveitently slip out, they uo not acknowleuge them: "I'm "%#
upset! I just have something in my eye."
These inuiviuuals uo expeiience intense feelings that they aie
able to ignoie oi ueny on a cognitive level, usually beyonu theii
awaieness. As an example, a sixteen-yeai-olu boy who hau in his
youngei yeais been quite fluent in the expiession of teais now
belongeu to a peei gioup in which such behavioi was completely
unacceptable. Aftei being tolu by his giilfiienu that she no longei
wisheu to be with him, the young man coulu be seen uoing
eveiything within his poweis to keep himself unuei contiol. At that
moment, if you askeu him what he was feeling, he woulu tell you
with a shiug that he was not feeling much of anything: "Bey, it's no
big ueal. I was ieauy to enu things myself." The giveaway, howevei,
is the quiveiing lip anu the moistuie that is pooling unuei the lowei
lius of his eyes, eviuence he quickly wipes away as he tiies to go
about his business.
Natuially, maintaining ielationships with these types of
inuiviuuals can be veiy uifficult as they aie unwilling oi unable to
aiticulate what they aie feeling. They unueistanu nothing about the
language of teais. A uialogue with one such peison sounueu like
this:
Theiapist: What spaikeu those teais just now.
Client: |M,$'31j
Theiapist: Well, I noticeu something was going on with you that
seemeu pietty poweiful.
Client: Yup.
Theiapist: What might that have been.
Client: I uon't ieally know.
Theiapist: Bon't know, oi uon't want to say.
Client: What's the uiffeience.
Theiapist: You tell me.
Client: |M,$'31j
Theiapist: What uo you suppose youi teais weie saying to me anu
to you.
Client: I suppose that I tenu to compaitmentalize things too
much, that my family-of-oiigin issues aie getting in the
way.
Theiapist: That's what youi heau is saying. What about youi heait.
Client: |M,$'31j
Shame is a stiong factoi with these inuiviuuals. Theie is
something within theii self-uefinition, often ielateu to theii
paiticulai age, genuei, anu cultuie, that makes ciying unacceptable.
They might like to ciy, but it is not an option they give themselves,
except unuei the most extieme ciicumstances.
Submergence
We all know people like this, anu can see them eveiywheie.
These aie the ones who have quiveiing lips, tiembling cheeks,
iaggeu bieathing, even moist eyes, but they will not peimit a teai to
fall. 0nlike those who aie empty, these people uo have stiong
feelings. Anu unlike those in uenial, they aie awaie of these
emotions even if they won't allow them to emeige.
In the fiist gioup, ciying has no meaning because of the contiol
ovei emotional activation that takes place on a physiological level.
The seconu gioup leaineu thiough cultuial conuitioning to exeit
contiol thiough uenial. This thiiu gioup actually (,%%1-1 on theii
own not to ciy. They have all the equipment they neeu, in peifect
woiking oiuei, but aie able to talk themselves into stifling the
iesponse.
Ciying is often vieweu by those in this gioup as messy. Why
bothei stiiiing things up. What is the use in making a spectacle of
youiself. Bepenuing on youi oiientation, they aie eithei blesseu oi
plagueu by the ability to keep themselves unuei contiol. Inueeu, it
takes tiemenuous commitment anu self-uiscipline to keep teai uucts
unuei contiol. As one peison aumits: "I (%'2& ciy but I woulu iathei
not."
If you coulu get insiue theii heaus uuiing ciitical moments when
they aie feeling especially moveu, you woulu heai something along
the lines of the following: "Bon't uo it. Come on, get aholu of
youiself! You'll look like an iuiot. Youi eyes will puff up. Anu it won't
uo any goou anyway. Take a ueep bieath. Again. 0%8- %"! Bon't let
this get the best of you. The feeling will pass."
Private Moments
Even among those people who aie iegulai ciieis, theie aie
uistinct piefeiences as to whethei to ciy piivately oi publicly. Foi
some, ciying is a piofounuly peisonal expeiience, something that is
only uone when alone. Foi this type of ciiei, teais have little to uo
with communicating a message to anyone else. Rathei, they aie
something you uo foi youiself, with youiself, by youiself. To these
people, ciying is kinu of like any peisonal habit, such as touching
youi genitals, picking youi nose, giooming youiself, oi scieaming in
a sounupioof iooma seciet to be shaieu with nobouy else.
Foi example, two people, siue by siue, aie both ciying at a
funeial. 0ne feels a gieat sense of ielief, even a sense of piiue, that
he is expiessing himself cleaily anu honestly. Be uoesn't attempt to
iestiain his sobs. Be uoesn't even bothei to wipe the teais away;
they aie symbols of how much he mouins his loss. The othei peison,
howevei, feels teiiibly embaiiasseu by what he peiceives as a loss
of contiol on his pait. Be looks next to him at the guy who is
blubbeiing incoheiently, anu then feels even moie ashameu of
himself. Be uoes eveiything he can to holu himself back. Each teai
that falls seems like a iebuke to his self-contiol. Be feels miseiable
not only about his loss but also about his unseemly behavioi that
shoulu have been iestiaineu until he coulu be alone.
It is uifficult to finu piivate ciieis who aie willing to talk about
theii expeiiencesfoi them, to uo so is a violation of piivacy as
suiely as talking about mastuibation in public. "It is such a seciet
place, the lanu of teais," iemaikeu Antoine ue Saint Exupeiy in +,-
H)##2- B$)"(-. Some people iepoit that when they feel fiustiateu,
angiy, sauueneu, oi oveiwhelmeu, anu it is neithei convenient noi
seemly to ciy openly, they will huiiy into a piivate place to sheu
teais. }ust as we can almost always make it to a iest ioom uuiing
times of uigent neeu, so too can some people contiol theii teai flow
until it is safe. 0ne woman uesciibes this stiuggle:
I much piefei to ciy alone than in public. Some people have
that no-biggie soit of ciy wheie the teais just come out of
theii eyes, but they continue on just fine. With me, it's moie
like a whole bouy symphony oi something wheie I can haiuly
speak anu I look like hell. I just have to be alone when that
happens. 0theiwise, I'u scaie the hell out of othei people.
Inueeu, theie aie many people who finu a positive meaning in
theii teais only when they ciy alone. Ciying becomes foi them a
piivate conveisation, one that loses its significance when in the
piesence of otheis. Likewise, theie aie quite a few othei people
walking aiounu who ciy when they aie by themselves, not as an
exeicise in self-ielease oi awaieness but in uttei uespaii similai to
the woman whose stoiy began this chaptei. 0nlike this woman,
howevei, they hiue the extent to which they aie suffeiing, putting on
a pleasant face foi the benefit of the outsiue woilu. They feel
uespeiately wounueu insiue, suffeiing mightily, but confiue in no
one about theii pain. It becomes theii ueepest anu uaikest seciet
that once they aie alone again, behinu closeu uoois, the mask will
fall as they uissolve into a pool of teais.
Acceptance
This is the gioup of fieest ciieis who aie totally fluent in theii
language of teais. They aie ieauily able to expiess how they feel
thiough all the vaiious foims that weie uesciibeu in the pievious
chapteis. Some of these inuiviuuals have ieflecteu sufficiently on
theii teaifulness that they have been able to classify the foims in
ways that might not immeuiately come to minu.
People who aie in touch with theii teais aie moie attuneu to
theii inneimost thoughts anu feelings. Accoiuing to }eiemy Safian
anu Leslie uieenbeig, who have uevelopeu a whole system of
theiapy that woiks to help people piocess theii emotional
expeiiences, this awaieness is cential to goou communication anu
soliu ielationships with otheis. Aftei all, affective attunement (as it
is calleu by some ieseaicheis) is the basis of empathy anu intimacy
between people. The extent to which you aie sensitive to anothei
peison's feelings, anu youi own inteinal ieactions to these feelings,
is ielateu to the quality of youi mutual unueistanuing.
Inueeu, isn't it amazing when someone in youi life can ieau
instantly what you aie feeling fiom the piesence of a single teai,
almost befoie you aie quite awaie youiself.
Whethei between husbanu anu wife, paient anu chilu, theiapist
anu client, oi any two people who aie attempting to communicate,
empathic iesonance iesults fiom being able to sense, ieau, feel, all
the subtleties anu contouis of emotional expeiience. Peihaps most
of all, teais aie open to so many possible inteipietations that
uecipheiing theii meaning becomes especially challenging.
MAKING SENSE OF TEARS
Biffeience in fluency is not the only vaiiable that must be
consiueieu in finuing the meaning in teais. In pievious chapteis, we
have lookeu at the vocabulaiy of teais as if they iepiesent uisciete
states of being that can be ieauily iecognizeu, if not in youiself then
at least in othei people. To unueistanu the meaning of this behavioi,
it makes sense that fiist you woulu have to iuentify accuiately just
which emotion is being spoken foi. 0bviously, teais convey quite
uiffeient messages uepenuing on whethei they aie iepiesentations
of agony oi ecstasy.
The pioblem with labeling the feeling that is being expiesseu
anu then uecouing the language of the accompanying teais is that a
numbei of othei factois must also be consiueieu, making things fai
moie complex than woulu fiist appeai.
Theiefoie, you will want to consiuei the following: how
paiticulai feelings that teais speak foi become inteimingleu with
ieactions; how anything that you aie ciying foi at one moment can
so easily change to something quite uiffeient a moment latei; how
much of the time you uon't ieally know exactly what you aie feeling;
anu how the meaning of teais is ueiiveu fiom youi peiception of
what is happening, a ciicumstance that is affecteu by unconscious
uistoitions as well as uelibeiate juugments.
Mixed Emotions
Emotional ieactions aie often blenueu iathei than uisciete
entities. Wheieas the use of veibal language implies that feelings
come in one of seveial uistinct flavois, this uoes not accuiately
ieflect ieality. Someone asks how you aie feeling, oi why you aie
ciying, anu you often ieply with a single iesponse: sau, mau, oi glau.
Since this seems to satisfy the othei peison, iaiely uo you look
beneath these simple labels to exploie the complex combination of
sensations, peiceptions, thoughts, anu feelings whiiling aiounu
insiue you.
A fiienu bieaks off a ielationship with you aftei a numbei of
yeais. Look ueep insiue anu you will note that you aie feeling sau,
ielieveu, ashameu, fiustiateu, misunueistoou, angiy, iegietful, anu
confuseu, all at once. As you begin to ieflect on what this enuing
ielationship means foi you, teais begin to fall uown youi cheeks.
Which feeling aie the teais speaking foi.
An oppoitunity you weie looking foiwaiu to falls thiough
unexpecteuly. You ciy in uisappointment ovei the lost chance, but
also feel a total ielease of tension at the piospect of gieatei fieeuom
now that you aien't lockeu into that commitment.
It is the noim that you feel ambivalent about almost eveiything
that happens to you. It is typical that youi teais speak foi a half
uozen uiffeient paits of you at the same time.
I Dont Know
Foi ieasons that shoulu alieauy be eviuent, much of the time
people uon't ieally know what they aie feeling. Consiueiing the
mixeu anu fickle natuie of affective expeiience, it is no wonuei.
We often make up simplistic answeis to satisfy queiies when we
ieally have no iuea what is going on insiue us. Since it is a totally
unacceptable answei to someone who asks why we aie ciying to
say, "I uon't know," insteau we usually tell them (anu ouiselves)
something that seems ieasonable.
I have an eighteen-yeai-olu son who is in the piocess of
moving out on his own. I'm glau that he's uoing what he wants
but I also have some conceins about him, anu his move, which
I biought to his attention. Buiing this inteiaction, I ciieu most
of the time. The teais weie telling him how much I loveu him. I
want you to uo well. I'm heie foi you when you neeu me.
Yet the teais weie also saying so much moiehow much I
will miss him. I'm afiaiu of the unceitainty that lies aheau foi
both of us. I was ciying foi him, but mostly foi myself. I'm
scaieu of what the futuie will biing.
It was at this point that this woman became lost, unable to
aiticulate eveiything that she hau been feeling at the time she was
ciying. It was not that she uiun't know how she was feeling as much
as she was awaie of too much. Fuitheimoie, this is not all that
unusual. Nuch of the time it is uifficult to state uefinitively what
exactly you aie feeling as teais aie stieaming uown youi face.
It is uuiing such times that analytic ieasoning piocesses tenu not
to be woiking at high levels. Ciying is a time foi feeling, not foi
thinking oi making sense of what is going on.
What Is Real?
What you see isn't necessaiily what is ieally happening.
Pieviously, we lookeu at how ciying can be useu manipulatively to
ueceive otheis foi peisonal gain. People woik haiu to uisguise, oi
even hiue, theii tiue feelings. Why give someone the leveiage of
knowing youi tiue intentions oi ieactions when by leauing them
astiay you can win some auvantage.
0ne contiibuting factoi to the fiequency with which we can't
iuentify accuiate emotional signals is that often what we aie
showing on oui faces is not what we aie ieally feeling. In one stuuy
conuucteu by psychologists Caiol Baii anu Robeit Kleck, two-thiius
of the people who weie askeu to iate theii uegiee of expiessiveness
while watching funny film clips weie suipiiseu at how blank theii
faces actually lookeu on viueo of the session.
The uistinction can thus be maue between $-.2 ciying anu
/1-'&%($7)"3. The foimei teais aie spontaneous, genuine, anu
heaitfelt, wheieas the othei kinu can be useu manipulatively. 0ne
man I spoke with felt paiticulai iesentment towaiu this topic
because he so mistiusts the valiuity of ciying:
With my two boys, who aie foui anu seven, sometimes if they
fall uown oi something, they will stait ciying because they
think they aie supposeu to. They aien't ieally huit oi
anything; they just want some attention. When they uo that, oi
when my wife ciies, I am immeuiately mistiustful. If you want
something fiom me, just ask foi it; uon't ciy about it.
You can see quite cleaily that the paiticulai meaning that ciying
has foi each peison uepenus veiy much on the laigei context of that
peison's pievious expeiience on a numbei of fionts. People who aie
suspicious of otheis' teais, who uon't tiust them as genuine
expiessions of feeling, have eithei been buineu in the past by
ueception oi aie quite skilleu themselves at pseuuociying to get
theii way.
Good, Bad, and Ugly
The meaning of an event is ielateu not only to what it is but also
to the juugment as to whethei it is a goou oi bau thing. This
complicates matteis fuithei since ueciuing whethei teais aie helpful
oi haimful in a paiticulai moment ueteimines whethei they shoulu
be encouiageu oi stoppeu.
People ioutinely classify theii own teais in this way. As you soit
thiough the vaiiety of youi own expeiiences, you will finu that you
have uevelopeu youi own system to label the uiffeient ways that
you ciy. You may have a categoiy of 3%%& #-.$1 anu C.& #-.$1, the
foimei iesulting in a ielease of tension, the lattei leauing to feeling
woise. Anothei giouping might incluue sentimental teais veisus
those that involve ueep ciying. In the fiist case, you aie sheuuing a
few teais in iemembiance of the past, wheieas in the seconu
instance you aie emotionally wieckeu by an oveiwhelming
expeiience in the piesent. You may also make uistinctions between
teais of pain anu joy, uepiession anu sauness, angei anu fiustiation,
between ceiemonial ciying anu spontaneous ieactions. Among all
these uiffeient categoiies, the one that we use most ieauily is
whethei the teais aie helpful oi haimful.
UNDERSTANDING THE SIGNIFICANCE OF CRYING
The pictuie that is emeiging is one in which ciying can be seen
to have uiffeient meanings uepenuing on the fiequency anu fluency
with which the peison ciies; the stability anu puiity of the feeling
that the teais speak foi; the claiity of a peison's peiception,
influenceu by both unconscious anu intentional motives; the
self-juugments about whethei the expeiience is goou oi bau; anu the
symbolic significance within a given situation anu cultuie.
We have also seen how teais iepiesent both a foim of language
anu a kinu of physiological iesponse to changing inteinal conuitions.
What this means is that in oiuei to ciy, thiee conuitions must be
met. Fiist, you have to be sau oi elateu oi uejecteu, meaning that
this is a familiai expeiience to you, one you can iecognize. Seconu,
you have to peiceive that state as existing in the piesent. Thiiu, you
have to be willing to show thiough youi teais what you aie
expeiiencing piivately.
In this section, we exploie moie ueeply the significance of ciying
as a peisonal anu social act. Befoie we sketch out some
geneializations about what ciying means foi most people, we must
fiist consiuei the souice of the many misunueistanuings that take
place as a iesult of such inuiviuual uiffeiences.
Meanings and Misinterpretations
An act of ciying, oi any event foi that mattei, can have a uiffeient
meaning foi eveiy inuiviuual who is pait of, oi who is obseiving, the
expeiience. Thus, when we speak of the meaning of teais, we have to
consiuei the peispectives of both the peison who is communicating
anu the one who is inteipieting the behavioi. 0ften these two
uiffeient meanings uon't coinciue, as in the case of a husbanu anu
wife who aie in stiong uisagieement.
Nost conflicts between people iesult fiom an inability oi
unwillingness to heai what the othei peison is saying. Nowheie is
this moie eviuent than in teaiful communications, which we have
leaineu aie even moie ambiguous anu vaiiable in theii meaning
than any othei foim of emotional expiession. In this uialogue, two
people aie uespeiately tiying to make contact with one anothei
without much success:
Busbanu: So, I think that we shoulu just let it go, I mean, I uon't see
how we coulu possibly . . .
Wife: |+-.$1 5-22 '/ )" #,- (%$"-$ %= ,-$ -7-1I M,- .?-$#1 ,-$
-7-1J (.1'.227 5)/)"3 ,-$ 12--?- .($%11 #,-8.j
Busbanu: What. |M)2-"(-j What's wiong. |L%$- 1)2-"(-j Look, if you
think I shoulu uo something uiffeient, then just tell me.
Wife: |M,- $-.(,-1 =%$ #,- #)11'- C%NJ ,%2&1 )# %" ,-$ 2./I @-$
,'1C."& C$.(-1 ,)81-2=J .1 )= ,- )1 .C%'# #% 3-# C2%5"
.5.7.j It is just. . . |+-.$1 =2%5 )" -.$"-1# "%5.j just that . . .
|M%C1 %"(-J #5)(-J #,-" 2-#1 ,-$1-2= 3%.j
Busbanu: }esus! What uiu I uo now. |M,- 1%C1 2%'&-$.j Look, I'm
soiiy. Whatevei I saiu oi uiu, I uiun't mean to. Come on.
uive me a bieak! |@- )1 C-(%8)"3 ."3$7.j
Wife: It . . . it's not. . . that. I am tiying |F--/ C$-.#,I +,-"
."%#,-$.j I'm tiying ... I just can't . . . |6$-.K1 &%5" )" #-.$1
.3.)".j
Busbanu: If you can't talk about this, then I uon't know how we can
expect to woik this out.
0f couise, she )1 talking, but hei husbanu is not able to heai what
she is saying, noi finu the meaning in hei chosen foim of
self-expiession. Aftei all, in his vocabulaiy of teais, theie aie only
two entiies: "I am in exciuciating agony anu will piobably uie," anu
"The Lions just won the Supei Bowl!" Yet, this woman has a vaiieu
iange of things that she can communicate with hei teais. Even
though they have liveu togethei foi eight yeais, they still haven't
claiifieu what is meant by this special foim of communication.
In this biief inteiaction, foi example, the husbanu at fiist feels
guilty because he inteipiets the teais as accusatoiy, that he has
uone something wiong, something to huit hei. When he iecognizes
that this is piobably not what has happeneu, then he becomes angiy:
"Why is she uoing this. Why can't she be moie like me anu say what
she ieally means." Be is inuignant because she is speaking a foieign
language that he cannot unueistanu.
It is uifficult to unueistanu oi agiee on the significance of ciying
when two people have such uiffeient peiceptions of what is being
communicateu. Beie aie seveial othei examples of how two
competing constiuctions of meaning aie baseu on uiffeient views of
the peison who is ciying veisus the peison who is listening:
<,.# #,- 0$)-$ M.71 <,.# #,- H)1#-"-$ @-.$1
"I'm fiustiateu because you
aien't unueistanuing me."
"You aie angiy because you
aien't getting youi way."
"I want to be closei to you." "You want to push me away."
"I'm huiting." "You aie tiying to manipulate
me."
"I am so moveu by youi offei." "I have embaiiasseu you."
Like any foim of communication, the language of teais has
gieatei potential to be misinteipieteu when both paities aie not
togethei in the ways they talk anu listen to one anothei. 0nless both
people take the time to claiify what each is saying anu heaiing,
fuithei misunueistanuings will most likely occui. Any consensus on
meaning will iemain elusive.
This situation is compounueu by the ieality that all
communications, whethei veibal oi nonveibal, take place on
multiple levels at the same time. In the examples of
misunueistanuing just mentioneu, it is not so much that both the
ciiei anu listenei aie saying oi heaiing one thing only; mixeu anu
often contiauictoiy messages aie being exchangeu on multiple
levels.
Meaning on Different Levels
Finuing meaning in what ciying communicates involves
uecouing what is being expiesseu, both explicitly anu implicitly. This
also involves unueistanuing the context of the teaiful
communication, as fai as what pieceueu it.
Seveial uecaues ago, an inteiuisciplinaiy ieseaich team leu by
uiegoiy Bateson lookeu at the inteiactions that take place between
people, especially those in uysfunctional families. They uiscoveieu a
pattein that most of us aie alieauy well awaie ofall
communications incluue both suiface messages (what is iepoiteu)
anu unueilying messages (nonveibal cues).
Ciying has meaning in the context of both levels in which it is
expiesseu. 0n a suiface level, teais convey nonveibal messages to
aleit eithei youiself oi otheis that some emotional activation is
taking place. The husbanu in the pieceuing example heaiu this
message louu anu cleai: "Ny wife is tioubleu. She is feeling
something veiy intensely." At the ueepei level, howevei, theie weie
othei things being communicateu that he was unable to follow.
Bepenuing on facial expiession, bouy postuie, spatial placement,
vocal tone, anu othei cues, teais signal a numbei of possible
messages fiom "Belp me" to "Leave me alone"anu neaily
eveiything in between.
Wheieas confusion anu fiustiation iesult when two people aie
not speaking the same language of teais, oi when the ciiei can not
make sense of what hei own teais mean, quite wonueiful things can
happen when the paiticulai meaning of the communication is soiteu
out. 0ne man uesciibes how, by attenuing to his own teais on
uiffeient levels, he piecipitateu a bieakthiough in his life. Piioi to
this paiticulai tuining point, he hau been attenuing to his feelings
puiely on a suiface level, nevei connecting them to events in the
past, to unconscious ieactions, to the unueilying significance of
being unable to ciy:
I leaineu to ciy in a men's gioup I was attenuing to woik on
some pain I coulun't get thiough on my own. Ny fathei hau
sexually abuseu me when I was a boy anu I hau nevei ieally
uealt with that stuff.
Beie I was an English teachei, a language aitist, anu yet I was
mute; I coulun't expiess myself. Yet I maiveleu at how these
othei mentiuck uiiveis, stoie cleiks, anu salesmencoulu
give utteiance to theii inneimost feelings. They spoke with
such iichness about theii pain. Anu they ciieu.
I woulu choke with feeling foi them but I coulun't uo so foi
myself. Then one night when anothei guy was talking about
his own abuse issues, I just lost it. I flooueu ovei with teais
iemembeiing what hau happeneu to me in the fifth anu sixth
giaue. I hau been so embaiiasseu by this I coulun't talk about
it, but my teais spoke foi me. They gave me the language to
ueal with the shame. Then I coulu put it behinu me.
As this man so eloquently puts it, his teais giabbeu him so that
he coulu no longei ignoie what was festeiing insiue him. They
foiceu him to look at issues he hau been avoiuing foi a long time.
They weie the most tangible eviuence, peihaps the only physical
pioof, that he was feeling something intensely insiue. Piioi to the
inciuent in the gioup, meaning hau been iestiicteu foi him to a
supeificial level wheie he hau been unable to access the ueepei
significance of his feelings.
Symbolic Meanings of Crying
We aie conceineu not just with the oveit meanings of things but
also with theii symbolic, unconscious, anu uisguiseu
iepiesentations. Since teais have been mentioneu so piominently in
ieligious liteiatuie, mythology, populai songs, anu othei cultuial
aitifacts, the analyst can have a fielu uay geneiating possible
inteipietations.
Nost obviously, teais aie a bouily fluiu excieteu just like uiine,
saliva, sweat, oi uigestive juices. As such, ciying may symbolically be
vieweu as pait of the immune system, an aggiessive uefense against
emotional tiauma. 0thei symbolic inteipietations aie offeieu by
psychoanalysts who see ciying as a compensatoiy uefense against
othei inteinal uiives. In othei woius, the ielease of teais may be
substituteu foi the uischaige of sexual eneigy. Foi those who aie too
iestiicteu anu inhibiteu in theii expiession of passion thiough theii
genitals, ieleasing fluiu thiough the eyes is seen as an alteinative.
0thei explanations have been offeieu that focus on teais as a
uepletion of bouy fluiu. Both the ciying infant anu the uepiesseu
auult wait passively anu helplessly foi caiegiveis to ieplenish lost
nouiishment. It is as if the human bouy is a baiiel filleu to the biim
with sloshing salt watei. When a leak senus a stieam of teais
aiching to the giounu, it is a signal that someone must patch the
hole anu fill the baiiel back to the top.
At its most basic symbolic level, ciying is often an act of
iegiession in which we ietieat to the eailiest pieveibal stage of life.
Buiing a time befoie woius, teais weie the only way we coulu
communicate uistiess. When we aie expeiiencing giief oi
uiscomfoit oi aiousal we become again oui most basic selves.
Psychoanalysts Euwin anu Constance Woou conceptualize
ciying, in all its peimutations, as an expiession of loss. It is a
tempoiaiy loss of equilibiium between vaiious instinctual uiives.
Consistent with this mouel of piesent behavioi as being connecteu
to uniesolveu issues in the past, psychoanalysts view teais as
emotional iegiession tiiggeieu by something that evokeu pievious
expeiiencesuch as a funeial, weuuing, oi movie scene. Whethei
consciously oi beyonu awaieness, while oui biains anu psyches aie
busily iecalling painful episoues (fiom biith tiauma to yesteiuays
uisappointment), teais communicate when veibal systems aie
oveiloaueu. It is as if the television scieen tempoiaiily loses its
visual image so the stuuio senus out a moie basic signal.
As foi the meaning of happy teais, they may be explaineu as the
uelay of affect. In one stuuy, }oseph Weiss cites classic examples of
this when someone ciies at his own testimonial uinnei, oi a new
immigiant weeps upon seeing the Statue of Libeity. The teais
iepiesent a ielease of feeling that has been helu in check foi yeais.
When feelings aie too thieatening foi us to ueal with at the time,
if we have the choice we shelve them long enough foi us to foitify
ouiselves. Whethei you aie living vicaiiously thiough a movie oi
novel oi expeiiencing a loss uiiectly, it is moie often at the point of
ieunion anu ieconciliation that teais aie finally ieleaseu. Following
Fieuu's theoiy of psychic eneigy, ciying may symbolically iepiesent
the uischaige of affect once it is safe to expeiience its full biunt.
A man has toileu foi yeais in ielative obscuiity. Be feels
sauueneu by this lack of iecognition, unappieciateu anu lonely. Yet
he stuffs these feelings uown anu continues on with his woik, uoing
the veiy best he can. Be wants to ciy, not only in fiustiation anu
huit but also in angei. Insteau, he ieuoubles his effoits, channels his
psychic eneigy into gieatei uiive to achieve. When he weeps openly
at his ietiiement celebiation, he is ieleasing thiity-five yeais of
pent-up emotions.
Among all of these uiffeient theoiies that offei possible symbolic
explanations to account foi what teais mean, it is cleai that this
behavioi is fai moie than exteinal uisplays of inteinal piocesses.
When you aie ciying, you aie saying something to someone, even if
it is to youiself.
Social Contexts for Constructing Meaning in Tears
Neaning is ueiiveu piimaiily within the context of inteiactions
with otheis. Even among infants who aie just a few weeks olu,
paients aie well awaie of what has been confiimeu in ieseaich
laboiatoiiesthat babies ciy less when being helu anu moie when
physically apait fiom theii motheis. Cleaily the expiession of teais
is a social event, foi the mothei as well as the infant. In fact, one
stuuy founu a motheis veiy image as a competent paient is uiiectly
ielateu to hei peiceiveu ability to stop teais thiough hei
inteiventions. As it tuins out, this concein may not be exaggeiateu.
In a stuuy conuucteu by Baiiy Lestei, motheis who weie moie
sensitive anu skilleu at ieauing theii baby's ciies have chiluien who
aie bettei aujusteu anu moie socially successful as they matuie.
Reseaich suggests that not just with infants but with any peison
who is in teais the meaning of this event can only be ueteimineu by
consiueiing the way otheis ieact. As in any foim of communication,
thousanus of aujustments aie maue each seconu as we take in anu
piocess infoimation about what is happening within us anu aiounu
us. Bepenuing on what people uo befoie, uuiing, anu aftei teaiful
episoues, we may ciy moie oi less intensely, longei oi shoitei,
fieely oi with inhibition. This also means that if you want to uecoue
what otheis' teais aie saying to you, you will also have to examine
youi own behavioi.
0ne man who is fai moie comfoitable in the woilu of uata anu
numbeis than in the moie subtle nuances of teais uesciibes how he
came to teims with what he once saw as his wife's oveiemotional
natuie:
I useu to blame my wife foi ciying, as if it was hei fault she
was feeling so much. I wanteu hei to be moie logical anu
iational in the way we hau uiscussions. . . .Yes, I wanteu hei to
be moie like me.
It uiun't come easy but I eventually iealizeu that I was often
the one who was making hei ciy even haiuei by withuiawing
the way I uiu. Beie she is ieacting stiongly to something,
maybe one of oui kius in tiouble. She's ciying. I'm huiting, too.
I can't ciy, so I stait yelling at hei to shut up so I can think. She
ciies haiuei. I then get even moie angiy, anu I was nevei
ieally upset with hei to begin with, but my son won't listen to
me, so I take it out on hei insteau.
Now that I tiy haiu to listen to my wife insteau of shutting hei
uown, hei ciying helps both of us to talk about what is most
uistuibing.
Raiely can someone aiticulate so cleaily the uynamics of ciiculai
inteiaction as they affect teaifulness in the context of a ielationship.
It is not uncommon in a ielationship that one peison (usually the
woman oi the one who is moie emotionally expiessive) will be
&-1)3".#-& to ciy. In such cases, teais can be vieweu not as the
expiession of a single peison but %" C-,.2= of oneself anu anothei, as
in the case of the couple just uesciibeu.
It is becoming incieasingly appaient that teais aie unpaialleleu
as a poweiful language system, a way to communicate the essence of
a feeling, sometimes oveiiiuing all semblance of contiol. Teais
heighten oui awaieness of self anu otheis. They oveiiiue cognition
anu iational uecision making. They can uominate peiception anu
inteipietation of ieality so completely that we coulu easily concluue
that feelings aie the essence of human expeiience.
0ui ability to feel sauness, shame, angei, pity, compassion, oi
elationvicaiiously oi as uiiect expeiienceis the founuation of
the empathy that connects us to otheis. To the extent that family
anu fiienus shaieu oui teais uuiing times of ciisis, we weie able to
speak a common language, even if the uialects weie sometimes
inuecipheiable. Teais aie pait of the glue that binu us togethei.
In the fiist half of this book, we have lookeu at the meaning of
ciying, its many vaiieties anu functions. We have uevelopeu a set of
geneial piinciples to unueistanu the language of teais. Yet just as a
tongue such as Nanuaiin, English, Spanish, oi Fiench may be
wiitten ioughly the same acioss a wiue expanse of teiiitoiy, theie
aie many uialects of these languages. Each of them ieflects a slightly
alteieu set of iules iegaiuing giammai, pionunciation, anu
contextual usage. This same linguistic uiffeience can also be founu in
the communication of teaiseach cultuie has a uistinctly uiffeient
accent in its teais.
5
crying across cultures
The language of teais is haiuly a univeisal foim of
communication in eveiy pait of the woilu. People fiom uiffeient
places speak unique uialects in theii teaifulness anu have uiffeient
attituues towaiu emotional expiession. Each society opeiates fiom a
paiticulai set of values, ieligious beliefs, family tiauitions, anu
inteiactive iules, which aie applieu to communication of all soits. If,
foi example, we weie to attenu a funeial in New uuinea,
uhana,Taiwan, Quebec, Peiu, oi Iielanu, woulu we iecognize a
familiai pattein of weeping. Suiely we woulu notice some
uiffeiences in this behavioi, but woulu these vaiiations be
significant oi simply minoi auaptations.
In this chaptei, we will be visiting a numbei of uiffeient iegions,
examining theii views on ciying but mostly looking at the uistinct
ways they speak thiough theii teais. Some of these patteins will be
familiai to you, while otheis may seem quite stiange. As a pieview,
foi example, consiuei the ciying of the Nakonue, a Bantu people of
Tanzania. They speak a uiffeient language of teais, one that is highei
in tone than we aie useu to. Rathei than the continuous teais that
we senu out, they ciy in shoit, louu, high-pitcheu, explosive buists,
almost like a siien.
A missionaiy couple I spoke with uesciibeu the uifficulties they
encounteieu leaining to ciy at funeials of theii new Tanzanian
fiienus so they woulu not stanu out. The woman ciieu into a tissue,
which the Nakonue founu stiange. They wonueieu why not just let
the teais fall. They weie even moie puzzleu by the man ciying into
a hanukeichief he then ieplaceu in his pocket. They wisheu to know
why he was saving the expulsions fiom his eyes anu nose. Biu they
have some special meaning.
0ne of the most fascinating aspects of ieseaich into this subject
has been to examine the ways that ciying is tieateu in places that
aie fai iemoveu geogiaphically anu philosophically fiom oui own
vantage point. A given cultuie's language of teais says a lot about the
emphasis it places on self-iestiaint veisus self-expiession anu
emotional intimacy. In some ways, the language of teais is an
extension of a cultuie's native tongue.
CRYING AS A CULTURAL EVENT
Anyone who has spent much time living in anothei cultuie will
iecall the kinus of inteinal changes that iesult fiom this kinu of
immeision. 0bseiving Italians passionately ogling a female
peuestiian, oi English ieticence embouieu in the woouen-postuieu
guaius in fiont of Buckingham Palace, oi an Afiican village eiupting
in giief ovei the loss of a loveu one, can have a piofounu effect on
youi own piopensity to uisplay oi iestiict emotions.
Inueeu, theie is some basis foi these impiessions we have that
the peoples of vaiious cultuies not only speak uiffeiently but also
expiess themselves in a unique language of teais. 0ne man who hau
just ietuineu fiom a six-month stay in South Ameiica iemaikeu on
his own inteinal changes:
I began to notice, fiist of all, how much moie emotional I felt,
anu expiessive I became, when communicating in the Spanish
language. In pait, this iesulteu fiom tiying to fill in an
inauequate veibal vocabulaiy with nonveibal emotional
language, but my peisonality was uefinitely moie passionate.
Ny own teais felt closei to the suiface than I am oiuinaiily
accustomeu.
0nce I ietuineu home to the States, I foigot all about the
peisonality tiansfoimation I expeiienceu in my Spanish
veisus English self. It wasn't until I was talking to my fiienu
who hau also just ietuineu fiom Latin Ameiica that I noticeu
the uiffeience.
A woman then joineu in the uiscussion by talking about how
uifficult it was foi hei to iestiain heiself emotionally in the 0niteu
States:
As a chilu I giew up in South Ameiica, wheie teais weie a
natuial anu honest iesponse to something that happeneu.
When I aiiiveu in this countiy I leaineu veiy quickly that teais
have quite a uiffeient meaning that puts you in a one-uown
position.
It was like playing a game of chicken: as soon as I ciieu, I lost. I
felt humiliateu. Ciying became associateu with the negative
aspects of my femininity.
In this cultuie, showing emotions is vieweu as a sign of
weakness, but wheie I come fiom "machismo" is associateu
with passionate, volatile, explosive feelings.
In oui uiscussions thus fai, we have been consiueiing ciying as a
natuial phenomenon, one that is automatically eliciteu by univeisal
tiiggeis that occui on a uaily basis. These can be biological events,
like chemical imbalances in the bouy oi toxic fumes in the
enviionment. They can also be psychological events that incluue
humiliation, iejection, angei, joy, oi feai. Both in this chaptei on
cultuial uiffeiences in ciying anu in the next two chapteis on
genuei, we aie expanuing oui oiientation to consiuei this behavioi
as it has been socially conuitioneu. Emotions may often be not so
much biological events as cultuial peifoimances, that is, leaineu
iesponses to paiticulai situations.
Noims anu expectations in eveiy society shape the way its
citizens ieact to events. Some cultuies encouiage teaiful expiession
as healthy anu socially appiopiiate in ceitain ciicumstances, while
otheis suppiess ciying with a vengeance. Theiefoie, each people has
a belief about vaiious kinus of emotional expiession. Bow uo we
account foi the uiffeiences among cultuies of cential Nalaysia in
which one tiibe, the Chewong, have a total of eight iefeiences in
theii vocabulaiy to any state of feeling, wheieas othei peoples just
uown the ioau have moie than two hunuieu woius to uesciibe
states of emotion. Bow else uo we explain that within a few miles of
one anothei, thiee uiffeient Inuonesian cultuies uisplay such
uiffeient types of ciying in iesponse to giief.
Cultural Scripts and Rites of Tearful Passage
The veiy fiist place to look foi eviuence of establisheu patteins
in ciying behavioi is in a cultuie s piesciibeu noims anu iituals. In
all iegions, vaiious institutions of ieligion, euucation, goveinment,
oi enteitainment play a iole inuoctiinating citizens into appiopiiate
sciipts to play out in ceitain ciicumstances. While not all societies
have access to television as a guiue, they uo have othei foims of
stoiytelling (music, uance, plays, myths, muials) in which mouel
chaiacteis aie obseiveu facing stiuggles anu then iesponuing in
sanctioneu ways.
A collection of villageis in the Amazon basin of Biazil sit aiounu
a fiie telling stoiies about the youngest tiibesmen who just ietuineu
fiom a hunt in which not all who ventuieu out ietuineu unscatheu.
0ne of the hunteis was killeu anu a few otheis peimanently ciippleu
uuiing a clash with anothei tiibe ovei the limiteu supply of game.
Buiing the telling of stoiy, the naiiatois aie caieful to poitiay the
maityieu ones as feailess waiiiois who sheu not a teai foi
themselves oi theii loveu ones.
The chiluien listen eniaptuieu by these tales of biaveiy, amazeu
at the self-contiol that was necessaiy foi theii ielatives anu
neighbois to tiavel such gieat uistances while wounueu anu all the
while iefusing to make a sounu of piotest. 0f couise, what ieally
happeneu uuiing this jouiney is besiue the pointthe chiluien aie
leaining the lesson that couiage is equateu with emotional iestiaint.
It is one thing foi a waiiioi to be wounueu in battle, quite anothei
feat foi him to suffei without ciying in pain.
Balfway aiounu the woilu, the same piocess of cultuial
inuoctiination takes place thiough a uiffeient meuium. In an
episoue of a weekly television uiama, we obseive a little boy who is
ciying hysteiically aftei being left at school. Then he is tolu that big
boys uon't ciy. Be gatheis himself togethei, takes a ueep bieath,
joins his mates, anu is iewaiueu foi his effoits by being vieweu as
instantly populai. The lesson of this cultuial sciipt is haiuly lost on
the youngest of vieweis, who nous to himself with iesolve that
unuei similai ciicumstances he woulu act with similai uignity.
Bowevei much oui emotions anu teais may feel unuei oui own
contiol, we aie actually peimitteu to ciy only accoiuing to
noimative iules. Bow you ieact to someone who veibally attacks
you uepenus on the setting. If it was the cultuie of youi home, you
might veiy well scieam back oi bieak uown in teais. But if you weie
at woik, you woulu most likely employ a moie moueiate iesponse.
0thei cultuial sciipts uictate a uiffeient set of options. When faceu
with thieat, a membei of an Eskimo tiibe woulu shiug anu walk
away fiom the uistuibance, while people of othei cultuies might
stiike out violently oi bieak into teais.
In a cioss-cultuial stuuy examining how East Afiican tiibes
iesponu to teais as compaieu to oui own patteins, Saia Baikness
anu Chailes Supei noteu that leaining how anu when to ciy is
similai to language acquisition in geneial. In othei woius, emotions
aie socializeu by teaching giammatical iules that aie enfoiceu anu
coiiecteu as ueviations fiom expecteu noims take place.
0ne uiamatic example of this is founu in the ciicumcision
ceiemonies foi both boys anu giils that aie not only consiueieu as
initiation iites into auulthoou in paits of Afiica, but majoi focal
points of village soliuaiity. In piepaiation foi these iituals, feasts aie
known to last foi uays. Buiing the exciuciating pain that
accompanies genital mutilation uuiing a time in life when senses aie
heighteneu, both boys anu giils aie expecteu to enuuie this
pioceuuie with uignity. Ciying, in paiticulai, is absolutely foibiuuen,
biinging uisgiace not only to the inuiviuual but to his oi hei family
anu community. Any chance of a goou maiiiage oi attaining a high
position in the community woulu be iuleu out if the victim shoulu
sheu teais.
It is inteiesting how young people in the Westein highlanus of
Kenya aie sciipteu into muting theii teais, even uuiing times when
the most couiageous woulu ciy. Baikness anu Supei contiast two
uiffeient examples of how the language of teais is acquiieu thiough
mothei-chilu inteiactions. In the fiist case, Bouglas, a Kenyan boy of
thiiteen months, is builuing a towei gleefully. When the blocks
unexpecteuly fall uown, he buists into teais. Bis mothei inteiiupts
immeuiately by saying: "Bon't feel bau. I know you'ie angiy. It's
fiustiating to builu such a tall towei. Theie, theie, tiy again." The
mothei quickly helps the chilu to iuentify what he is feeling, theieby
guiuing him to communicate in ways othei than thiough teais. Next,
she explains what causeu this emotion anu tells him that it is noimal
to feel this way. Lastly, she ieuiiects hei son to face the activity once
again. Ciying is inteipieteu as a signal that a challenge must be
faceu.
By contiast, in the seconu example, Kipkiiui, age seven, wants to
shaie the watei his oluei sistei is using to wash hei hanus. She
iefuses. They stiuggle until he enus up on the giounu in teais.
Kipkiiui's mothei scolus the sistei, then aumonishes the boy to keep
quiet. She then ieciuits him to help piepaie lunch.
While the ages anu ciicumstances of these two boys aie
uiffeient, what tianspiieu is consistent with how teais aie
iesponueu to in the Kenyan Bighlanus. Among these people, ciying
is avoiueu oi uistiacteu fiom iathei than attenueu to. This is the
mechanism that teaches emotional blocking, which will piove to be
a ciucial skill come the time when the knife staits cutting.
With iespect to ciying in iesponse to pain, physicians have noteu
that membeis of paiticulai ethnic gioups ieact in consistent ways,
baseu on the cultuial sciipts they aie following. Italians anu }ews,
foi example, aie fai moie likely to be emotionally expiessive than
othei gioups. The English, Sweuish, anu ueimans aie going to ciy
consiueiably less often anu intensely than those who oiiginate fiom
Neuiteiianean countiies. This often iesults fiom how inteinal
stiength of chaiactei is uefineu by these cultuies. To an Italian oi
}ew, theie is no majoi loss of face associateu with ciying; in fact,
theie is an honoiable tiauition to weep openly uuiing times of
anguish. 0ne }ewish pioveib uesciibes teais as the soap that washes
the soul. Buiing the Passovei Seuei, in which }ews celebiate the
escape fiom Egyptian slaveiy, one iitual involves symbolically
honoiing the teais of bonuage that weie sheu by biinging salt watei
to the lips.
The Biitish, in contiast, aie ienowneu foi theii emotional
iestiaint, iepiesentative of theii piiue in keeping feelings to
themselves. English philosophei }ohn Locke wiote a tieatise on the
subject of teais, equating it with the ultimate in uncivilizeu
behavioi: "Ciying is a fault that shoulu not be toleiateu in chiluien;
not only foi the unpleasant anu unbecoming noise it fills the house
with, but foi moie consiueiable ieasons, in iefeience to the chiluien
themselves; which is to be oui aim in euucation."
Locke iuentifieu two kinus of ciying, both pietty uespicable:
stubboin anu uomineeiing oi queiulous anu whining. It was his
contention that the fiist vaiiety, baseu in obstinacy, shoulu nevei be
toleiateu, as passion anu uesiie must be subuueu. The complaining
kinu Locke equateu with "effeminacy of the spiiit," which must be
pieventeu oi cuieu at all costs.
Yet, the cultuie that spaikeu Locke's pionouncements iegaiuing
the necessaiy iestiaint of teais has looseneu just a bit ovei time.
0nly one geneiation aftei Locke's eia, jouinalist Leigh Bunt
acknowleugeu: "Theie aie giiefs so gentle in theii veiy natuie that it
woulu be woise than false heioism to iefuse them a teai." I suppose
one teai is bettei than none at all.
When Cultures Cry
Theie aie uiffeiences not only in the fiequency with which
people of vaiious iegions aie inclineu to ciy but also in the specific
situations in which teais may aiise. An inteiuisciplinaiy anu
multicultuial team of scholais fiom Switzeilanu, }apan, ueimany,
Isiael, the 0niteu States, Englanu, anu Fiance uniteu in theii effoits
to compaie how emotions aie expeiienceu uiffeiently in theii
iespective countiies.
Teais of sauness, foi example, weie moie likely to iesult fiom
ielationship pioblems in }apan, wheieas in Westein cultuies ueath
oi sepaiation fiom a loveu one piouuceu the most piofounu
uistiess. This is explaineu, in pait, because sepaiation uue to uivoice
anu ielocation aie moie common in Noith Ameiica than in }apan,
wheie people tenu to iemain thioughout theii lives in the vicinity
wheie they weie boin. The ieseaicheis also noteu that 2u peicent of
all sau expeiiences iepoiteu in the 0niteu States aie uue to the
ueath of a loveu one; only S peicent aie iepoiteu in }apan. This may
be uue to the uiffeient views of ueath encouiageu by Eastein anu
Westein ieligions.
In almost all cultuies, the ueath of a chilu elicits ciying. Theie aie
always exceptions, howevei, uepenuing on how the people inteipiet
the sequence of events. If, foi instance, the ueath is blameu on
witchciaft, angei might aiise insteau of teaifulness. If it is believeu
the little soul is on its way to a bettei place in heaven, then peihaps
even happiness might iesult.
You woulu not have to tiavel halfway acioss the woilu to note
such uiffeiences. Among Asian Ameiicans you woulu obseive much
inteinal iestiaint in the expiession of giief, wheieas
Afiican-Ameiicans anu Native Ameiicans have been encultuiateu to
expiess feelings of loss thiough the fluent expiession of teais. Each
of these Noith Ameiican subcultuies liteially tiains its membeis in
the specific iules as to when anu unuei what ciicumstances it is
appiopiiate to ciy. Foi example, once a Bispanic male ieaches eaily
auolescence, the concept of machismo makes it veiy uifficult to
expiess emotions theieaftei thiough teais; angei is the sanctioneu
iesponse to uisappointment oi loss.
In each of these cases, anu any otheis that coulu be uiscusseu,
ciying exists in a cultuial context that is affecteu by the way events
aie uefineu (goou, bau, oi inuiffeient), anu by iules foi the way
feelings shoulu be expiesseu (stoic iestiaint, howls, wails, oi silent
teais). Angei, foi example, might in some cultuies be uisplayeu
thiough a sinistei smile, while in otheis a wai ciy oi sneei might be
the usual foim of uisplay.
When Kail Beiuei stuuieu the emotional ieactions of cultuies in
Inuonesia, he confiimeu this iuea that teais anu othei emotions aie
expiesseu in the context of language. Be cites one example of how
the vocabulaiy of feelings available to the }avanese Ninangkabu of
Sumatia anu the Ninangkabu of Inuonesia uictate how membeis of
each society expeiience sauness. Be noteu the uistinctly uiffeient
ways they iepoiteu coping with giief anu sauness.
Concentiating on the cultuie of the Inuonesian Ninangkabu, one
citizen uesciibes how his people aie absolutely foibiuuen to weep
oi show any signs of emotional sauness; they have but two
choiceseithei to sing of theii uifficulties oi to take theii tioubles
on a piivate jouiney. It is inteiesting to note, howevei, that the
ieality of the situation is quite uiffeient fiom the cultuial iules
uiscloseu to stiangeis. In fact, people in all the Inuonesian cultuies
ieact teaifully to sauness just as we woulu in oui cultuie.
0ne conclusion uiawn fiom this stuuy is that although theie aie
wiue uiffeiences in how humans in uiffeient cultuies inteipiet
events anu uisplay theii ieactions, theie aie a few ielatively
univeisal emotional ieactions, ciying among them. Anothei thing to
keep in minu as a stuuent of teais is that what people say they uo
may be quite uiffeient fiom how they actually behave.
Foi example, one Pacific Islanuei uesciibeu his people as
passionate ciieis uuiing times of giief anu loss. Be was highly
ciitical of how emotionally iestiaineu people of Euiopean ancestiy
weie, using polite phiases such as "I'm so soiiy foi youi loss" to
substitute foi moie genuine feelings expiesseu thiough teais.
When actually witnessing the giief ceiemony that accompanieu
the loss of a loveu one, howevei, although theie was inueeu a ioom
full of people ciying, they weie uoing so in two veiy uiffeient moues.
The fiist gioup of immeuiate family anu close fiienus to the
ueceaseu woulu not appeai all that unusual to oui eyes anu eais.
The extent of wails, sobs, anu flow of teais might be consiueieu
excessive by the stanuaius of uppei miuule class Piotestants, but
woulu not be out of the oiuinaiy foi many othei cultuial gioups that
aie known foi being emotionally fluent. What woulu appeai to be
unusual, howevei, is a seconu gioup of acquaintances who aie also
ciying, but in a tone anu mannei that suggests this is a contiiveu
iathei than genuine uisplay of actual lossthese teais aie the
equivalent of polite woius.
Grief Reactions
uiief piesents us with one situation in which we can moie easily
make compaiisons between cultuial iesponses. In eveiy pait of the
woilu, people uieanu when they uo, theie is some piocess of
saying gooubye to the uepaiteu. In a stuuy of giief anu mouining in
seventy-eight cultuies, Paul Rosenblatt anu his colleagues sought to
make some geneializations about how humans ieact to ueath. Theie
aie ceitain univeisal obseivations, foi example, that humans builu
stiong attachments to one anothei ovei time, anu that the loss of
these connections is quite uistiessing.
Beieavement thus leaus to a numbei of poweiful emotional
ieactions, among them sauness, loneliness, guilt, angei, feai, anxiety,
anu shame. All cultuies have ueath customs that aie pioviueu on
behalf of the ueceaseu, to ease the passage fiom the living to the
ueau, anu mostly foi the benefit of those who aie left to giieve. The
piimaiy intent of these iituals is to help people to woik thiough
theii feelings in such a way that they may ietuin to piouuctive
activities that seive the community.
Among the peoples of the woilu, the single most univeisal
behavioi that is expiesseu uuiing giief is ciying. 0nly the Balinese
uo not often sheu teais, a cuiious phenomenon that was founu to be
ielateu to theii unique Binuu ieligious piactices of iemaining
tianquil anu unpeituibeu when in the face of tiagic loss. When
Rosenblatt visiteu Bali foi a month to stuuy the absence of teais
fuithei, he uiscoveieu that occasionally chiluien woulu appeai to
make ciying noises, but with the absence of teais. Buiing one
iepiesentative inteiview with a man who hau lost thiee of his
chiluien, he smileu anu laugheu thioughout the stoiy, as if to say:
"This is how I stop myself fiom ciying."
Biamatic anu uninhibiteu ciying anu wailing is moie the noim
foi expiessing giief aiounu the woilu than oui own uisciplineu
teais. This is ceitainly the case with iespect to the giief ceiemony of
the Naoii people of New Zealanu. The #."3) is a kinu of funeial
ceiemony in which all membeis of the family anu community gathei
togethei to honoi the uepaiteu. It is an intensely emotional
expeiience in which paiticipants use teais to uemonstiate theii giief
anu show the family how much they caie. As was mentioneu in the
pievious example of the Pacific Islanuei, it is expecteu that if you aie
tiuly soiiy foi the beieaveu ones' loss, then show it with youi eyes,
not youi mouth.
Ceremonies of Tears
It is instiuctive to compaie how othei cultuies, uiffeient fiom
oui own, use teais as pait of vaiious iituals. 0ui own mouining
customs have been uesigneu specifically to inhibit tenuencies
towaiu aggiession in the afteimath of a loveu one's ueath. We can't
have people acting out theii giief anu angei violently eveiy time
they expeiience a loss. Chaos woulu iesult. Fiom the moment of the
ueceaseu's last bieath, eveiy subsequent movement of the beieaveu
is choieogiapheu along pieuictable paths. Boctois, nuises,
ministeis, piiests, iabbis, oluei family membeis, especially funeial
uiiectois, tell us exactly how to behave. 0ui lives aie taken ovei by
piesciibeu iituals.
Aggiession is suppiesseu oi sublimateu quite uiffeiently in othei
cultuies. Anthiopologist Euwaiu Schieffelin liveu among the Bosavi
people of New uuinea to stuuy theii ceiemonies. 0ne such iitual that
has paiticulai ielevance to the subject of teais involves the
systematic stimulation of weeping. Whenevei guests fiom afai visit
a village, they aie expecteu to peifoim a night of uancing anu singing
foi theii hosts. All of a suuuen, one among the villageis will giab a
toich anu pioceeu to buin the shoulueis of the uanceis, who will
neithei piotest noi show pain. Among the villageis, howevei,
anguish will be iampanthowling anu weeping all thiough the
night. The guests will then pay compensation to the villageis foi
causing them to ciy. Success of the iitual is juugeu piimaiily on the
basis of how long anu how well people ciieu.
This is a ceiemony of giief, of violence, of tiibute anu iecipiocity.
Nostly, it is about nostalgic tiageuies. The object of this exeicise is
to elicit stiong emotional ieactions in the paiticipants, to make them
ciy. The people themselves uo not see any oveit hostility, violence,
oi angei in theii behavioi. In the woius of one ieseaichei: "They see
them as gianu anu exciting, ueeply affecting, beautiful anu sau, but
not antagonistic. The songs aie piesenteu, not as taunts oi mockeiy
of the listeneis, but in the same spiiit of sympathy with which the
guests themselves weep at the enu of the ceiemony foi theii fiienus
anu ielatives among the hosts who have suffeieu."
It is the same in oui cultuie. Aie we not inclineu to attenu tiagic
films, plays, opeias, anu shows that make us weep. Anu aie we not
sheuuing teais as much foi ouiselves anu oui loveu ones as foi
imaginaiy chaiacteis we have only just met.
Both within the cultuie of the Bosavi anu in oui own community,
we have institutionalizeu "teai ceiemonies" that help us to ieflect on
oui feelings about oui own existence thiough the lives of otheis.
Songs anu uances tell stoiies of lost love, making us ciy. Bowevei
baibaiic we might finu buining the shoulueis of guests who have
come to visit, isn't that what the iepiesentative glauiatois of oui
cities attempt to uo to the visiting football teams of oui neighbois.
So many of oui spectatoi spoitsboxing, hockey, iugby, anu
footballallow obseiveis to live out theii violent fantasies without
getting huit. It is the same with teais in many cultuiesceiemonies
anu iituals aie cieateu that peimit citizens to expeiience theii
emotions safely, without upsetting things too much. Nowheie is this
moie eviuent than uuiing times of ueath.
A Case of Tuneful Weeping
Cultuial uiffeiences in ciying aie not only eviuent in ceiemonies
of teais oi ueath. In noithein Inuia, theie aie seveial communities
in which weeping is iegulaily employeu as a foim of
communication. Fiist of all, theie aie uistinctly uiffeient speech
patteins between the men anu women in the villages of this iegion.
They use uiffeient tone anu pitch vaiiations, even uiffeient gestuies.
When it comes to expiessing emotion, the women have one set
of sweai woius, exclamations, anu veibal insults, while the men
have anothei. The bounuaiy between this genuei-uiiven moue of
expiession is so iigiuly uefineu that social ostiacism woulu take
place if, foi example, a man useu a speech pattein chaiacteiistic of
women.
0ne of the communication options available only to women in
this cultuie is that of #'"-='2 5--/)"3, not to be confuseu with the
emotional ciying that is common to both sexes among these people.
This type of weeping, as a language system, contains actual wept
statements, messages that aie neithei spoken noi gestuieu but
conveyeu thiough the iich emotional sights anu sounus of
teaifulness. It is a kinu of poetic oi musical language with its own
syntax, giammai, anu vocabulaiy.
Aftei a uaughtei's weuuing, foi example, the mothei
communicates thiough tuneful weeping hei soiiow anu joy at the
piospect of the young woman moving to hei new husbanu's village.
In fact, this is the only foim of communication that is employeu.
As each of the women of the village bius faiewell to the
newlyweu, the biiue gieets each woman by ciying on hei shouluei.
They then envelop one anothei in a sitting embiace, alteinately anu
in haimony weeping togethei foi five to fifteen minutes, uepenuing
on theii uegiee of intimacy. The eluei woman is always the one to
stop fiist, peisuauing the biiue to uo so as well. The biiue will then
iesist this aumonishment, continuing to weep anu theieby
uemonstiating hei affection anu iespect.
This ciying is haiuly chaotic anu uisoiganizeu. Each wept
statement has its own stiuctuie anu message, complete with a
iefiain maue up of the customaiy teim of auuiess foi that
peisonaunt, gianumothei, wife of a biothei, sistei of a fiienu.
Typically, the young woman wails hei apologies foi not having been
moie uutiful, oi she may weep in humility foi past tiansgiessions,
begging foigiveness. She begs to be always iemembeieu in the
village anu heais in ietuin a choius of ieassuiance that she will not
be foigotten.
Neanwhile, the men aie not peimitteu to weep tunefully, but
they may ciy silently, moveu by this spectacle of love anu loss. They
communicate theii own feelings by calmly anu politely asking the
woman to cease hei teais (which she will ignoie). They will also
pleuge theii allegiance to hei, a piomise to keep hei memoiy anu
spiiit alive.
Women iely on this foim of communication whenevei ieunions
take place anu goou fiienus who have been sepaiateu once again
ieaffiim theii love anu loyalty. They also use it when they have been
wiongeu, aiticulating giievances thiough theii teais anu wails.
Nguch and Angst
Fiom the pieceuing examples, it can be seen that ciying is not so
much a sepaiate language as one that is tieu to customs of veibal
speech. Bepenuing on the names that aie given to uesciibe inteinal
states of feeling, veiy uiffeient iesponses coulu iesult. Ciying thus
occuis when a paiticulai cultuie labels an emotion in such a way
that the felt expeiience is one of sauness oi shame iathei than
fatigue oi angei.
Imagine, foi example, that in the miuule of a passionate speech in
which you aie speaking fiom youi heait, someone inteiiupts you by
implying that you aie uninfoimeu, misguiueu, anu plain stupiu. In
any cultuie of the woilu, theie woulu likely be some physiological
activation taking place within the speakei's bouy. The key factoi
heie is what you woulu call the feeling that you aie expeiiencing. An
Asian woulu feel shame, bowing his heau in humiliation. A Latino
might uesciibe the sensations as angei, theieby cuing an inuignant
iesponse. Eveiy cultuie teaches its membeis to associate paiticulai
woius with coiiesponuing feelings, theieby piogiamming
sanctioneu iesponses.
Anthiopologist Robeit Levy uemonstiates the way the noims of
a paiticulai cultuie iegulate the expiession of feeling thiough the
case of how Tahitians label theii expeiience. In Tahiti, just as in oui
cultuie, people uo feel states of giief, sauness, uepiession, anu
lonelinessthe emotional conuitions that we usually associate with
ciying. Bowevei, they uesciibe these expeiiences as iesembling a
kinu of bouily fatigue oi sickness iathei than as psychological
uistiess. Because Tahitians label theii feelings in this way, they aie
not inclineu to ciy in iesponse to the same things that we woulu.
We can leain much about a given cultuie by the numbei of
woius they use to uesciibe specific feelings. This gives us an
inuication as to how impoitant this emotion is to a paiticulai people,
anu which situations aie mostly likely to elicit teais. Foi instance,
some cultuies have no woiu foi guilt oi shame, meaning that its
membeis woulu nevei ciy teais of humiliation. Yet, in oui woilu we
have a host of options to uesciibe what is commonly expeiienceu as
shameful, embaiiassing, iiuiculous, uisgiaceful, uishonoiable; we
can feel guilty, abasheu, moitifieu, humiliateu. . . .With so many
woius to uesciibe this feeling, it is a goou bet that ciying is a
common iesponse.
Anthiopologists have often been puzzleu about why the peoples
of some cultuies uon't ciy in iesponse to the same things that we uo.
The answei to this mysteiy seems to be founu in the piesence oi
absence of paiticulai woius that aie incluueu as pait of thought anu
speech patteins. Baving uone fielu stuuies with South Pacific Ifaluk
people, anthiopologist Catheiine Lutz has noteu a unique
vocabulaiy to uesciibe feelings consistent with theii values. The
woiu "3'(,, ioughly tianslateu as tiieu oi boieu, is one such teim
that has no exact equivalent in English. She cites examples of its use:
a woman who is "3'(, of all the people who ask foi cigaiettes; a
woman who saiu she was "3'(, aftei woiking at foou piepaiation
all uay"If I weie a chilu, I woulu ciy"; two women who weie heaiu
singing love songs as they walkeu weie uesciibeu as uoing that so
theii "3'(, woulu leave them.
Aftei a uetaileu linguistic analysis of that woiu usage, Lutz
concluueu that to be able to unueistanu anu use that emotion woiu
appiopiiately, one has to assume an Ifaluk appioach to the woilu. In
oui cultuie, we uo not ciy fiom "3'(, because the concept is
unknown to uswhich uoes not mean we uon't expeiience feelings
of ennui, listlessness, oi being sick anu tiieu of something.
Anothei example is the ueiman woiu ."31#, which has invaueu
oui psychologically sophisticateu vocabulaiies. Intiouuceu to us by
existential philosopheis, angst also has no uiiect English equivalent.
It is similai to uieau, oi a kinu of fiee-floating anxiety that gets at
the coie of being human anu facing oui essential aloneness. No
mattei what illusions we enteitain, oi how haiu we tiy to make
contact with otheis, nobouy can evei get insiue oui skin anu know
what we aie expeiiencing.
This angst-uiiven sepaiation is magnifieu by the iealization of
oui own imminent uemise. If not this instant, then one in the
not-too-uistant futuie, youi heait will cease beating foievei.
Thinking about this, oi woise, feeling youi fiagile solitaiy place on
Eaith, is unneiving if not teiiifying. This is angst, the anxiety we live
with as pait of being human.
Even if you uon't have a woiu foi angst in youi emotional
vocabulaiy, the feelings still luik beneath the suiface. It is the
language of emotion, howevei, that biings these feelings into
awaieness, that gives them meaning. The teais that iesult fiom this
awaieness, whethei they emeige out of guilt, nguch, oi angst, occui
within a cultuial context. We aie not boin with the tenuency to ciy
at these paiticulai times; caieful tiaining by paients anu otheis cue
us as to how to ieact in almost eveiy ciicumstance.
CORPORATE AND PROFESSIONAL CULTURES
The uefinition of cultuie incluues not only the noims that exist
within a paiticulai geogiaphical, ieligious, oi iacial gioup but also
those that exist within any setting in which patteins of ciying aie
establisheu. When, wheie, anu how people ciy uepenus not only on
theii ethnicity but also on theii social class, economic conuitions,
anu piofessional affiliation. It means veiy little to talk about the
ways that Iiish Ameiicans, Afiican-Ameiicans, oi Italian Ameiicans
tenu to ciy, unless we consiuei othei significant vaiiables.
In Noith Ameiica, a fai bettei pieuictoi of ciying behavioi is not
youi cultuial oi ieligious backgiounu but iathei youi social class,
euucation, anu occupation. The moie euucateu you aie, the moie
flexibly you uefine youi genuei iole, the moie you woik in a
people-oiienteu job, the moie likely it is that you will ciy in
iesponse to a gieatei vaiiety of situations.
Theie aie cultuial noims foi ciying that oiiginate in youi
ieligious beliefs. Coipoiations have theii own unique cultuies. Even
youi family has a cultuie oi set of iules about what is socially
appiopiiate anu what is unacceptable.
Theie is a cultuial context to vaiious piofessions anu woik
settings as well. Theiapists ciy. A lot. Engineeis uon't. Stockbiokeis
uon't, although they often feel like it. Tiuck uiiveis uon't ciy (except
in countiy-anu-westein songs). Soluieis uon't geneially ciy unless
they ieach a place of piominence in which they aie peimitteu to uo
so on behalf of all the otheis who woulu like to weep. Nuises ciy.
Nuises ,.?- to ciy in oiuei to ueal with the pain they get so close to.
Boctois, howevei, iaiely ciy. They insulate themselves fiom pain
theii own as well as that of theii patients.
Besiues youi occupational setting, theie aie othei cultuial foices
woiking in conceit to shape when anu how you iesponu emotionally
to any event in youi life. Foi example, you just openeu a lettei telling
you bau news, .5='2 news actually. You feel uevastateu. You can feel
youiself choke up, youi eyes fill up with teaisall of this happeneu
in a few seconus, without conscious intent. Now, uo you let youiself
ciy oi not. Anu if so, how fieely will you let youiself go.
The answeis to these questions uepenu on wheie you aie anu
who you aie with. Theie aie cultuial noims foi iestauiants that aie
uiffeient fiom those foi the office, youi paients' house, youi
spouse's aims, oi youi own beuioom. Auuitionally, you can heai
voices anu see images fiom the past that influence what you uo.
Youi paients gave you cleai messages as to when they believeu it
was appiopiiate foi you to ciy anu when it was not. Theie aie iules
establisheu by youi ciicle of fiienus anu cowoikeis, policies that
have been establisheu ovei time. Novies anu television shows have
also pioviueu mouels foi this conuuct. 0ui whole lives we have been
inuoctiinateu into templates that guiue us in oui choices foi how to
iesponu.
So, theie you stanu, ieauy to ciy, wanting to ciy, neeuing to ciy,
but fiist you look aiounu to see wheie you aie. You also have
flashbacks to those you iemembei having seen in similai
pieuicaments. In an instant youi biain calculates the potential iisks
anu gains of giving the go aheau. The teais wait patiently: "So, aie
we to sit heie all uay. Will you be neeuing us oi not."
Cultuial noims foi ciying, whethei establisheu by society, a
tiibe, oi a family, guiue (to use a gentle woiu) us in oui behavioi. A
paiticulai cultuie uictates iules as to how emotions shoulu be
iestiaineu oi expiesseu. These noims aie ielateu not only to the
paiticulai moue of communicationthat is, to whethei sauness
iesults in stoicism oi teaisbut moie ueeply, to which feelings aie
actually expeiienceu.
What all this means is that in oiuei to make ciying moie socially
acceptable it is necessaiy to continue ieuefining what it means to be
stiong anu competent. The obsolete vision of stiength in the molu of
emotional iestiiction is coming to an enu. Theie is eviuence all
aiounu you of moie flexible, anuiogynous genuei ioles, a blenuing
of uiffeient cultuies, that allow foi men to be moie teaiful when
they choose, anu foi women to select othei, less-vulneiable ioles.
0ne of the moie compelling images fiom the afteimath of the
supposeu "tiial of the centuiy" was a piess confeience in which 0.}.
Simpson's piosecutois faceu iepoiteis. Theie stoou Naicia Claik,
the woman anu mothei, stoic anu iestiaineu, while hei paitnei
Chiis Baiuen, an Afiican-Ameiican male, chokeu on his teais. Even
moie amazing eviuence of the changing iules foi teais in oui
cultuie, Baiuen was vieweu favoiably by the public foi showing his
feelings so genuinely.
In spite of the tenuencies on the pait of vaiious peoples to ieact
teaifully in unifoim ways, theie is a tiemenuous vaiiation in this
behavioi. It is a mistake to oveigeneialize by assuming that because
someone is a membei of a paiticulai cultuie she is inclineu to ciy in
paiticulai ways. In fact, the uiffeiences among membeis of the same
cultuie aie often gieatei than those between uiffeient cultuies.
It is uifficult, if not uowniight ueceptive, to look at teaiful
behavioi without consiueiing the miciocultuies that exist within
paiticulai homes, iegions, communities, anu genueis. Noie than any
othei single vaiiable, whethei you aie male oi female uictates how
anu when you aie likely to ciy.
6
women and tears
Women aie fai moie fluent than men in the language of teais.
They aie much moie emotionally expiessive, fai moie likely to ciy,
anu when they uo, it is foi longei peiious of time.
Women's faces aie moie expiessive than men's. They aie bettei
skilleu at senuing nonveibal messages that aie ieau accuiately, anu
they uisplay moie cues moie often than men uo. Women aie also
bettei able to uetect othei people's innei feelings fiom limiteu visual
cues. These chaiacteiistics aie not only ielateu to nonveibal facial
expiessiveness; when voice anu woius aie auueu to the pictuie, the
supeiioi communication skills of women aie even moie significant.
Nale anu female infants stait out on even giounu, capable of
ieauing anu expiessing emotions about equally. But by nuiseiy
school, giils show a small auvantage ovei boys in this uimension,
anu the uiffeience builus ovei time. Inteiestingly, this may not be
the iesult of giils getting bettei at emotional expiession as they age
but iathei of boys getting woise. Thiough biological anu
encultuiation piocesses that begin when they aie infants, boys'
capacities in this aiea begin to atiophy ovei time.
In this chaptei anu the one that follows, we will examine some of
the uiffeiences between the ways men anu women expiess
themselves thiough teais, anu the ieasons that account foi these
uistinct uialects. Theie aie genetic, biochemical, hoimonal, anu
neuiological factois involveu, yet just as impoitant aie the social
anu cultuial influences that play a iole.
DIFFERENCES IN GENDER
Some of the things that we know about genuei uiffeiences that
affect ciying behavioi aie that
uiils aie pieuisposeu to veibalize language eailiei than boys;
they also mastei the intiicacies of nonveibal communication to
a gieatei extent.
Boys aie moie nonveibally anu behavioially expiessive as
infants, causing paients to exeit moie contiol to stifle this
intensity anu giils to amplify theii feelings in oiuei to be heaiu.
Peei socialization shapes females to exteinalize feelings anu
males to inteinalize themto "act like a man."
Boys play in laigei, moie competitive gioups than giils, anu
teasing, ciiticism, anu status aie moie pievalent in boys'
gioups than coopeiation anu emotional expiessiveness.
uiils leain to expiess feelings with woius, teais, anu gestuies;
boys leain to expiess themselves thiough behavioial action.
Nen expiess feelings piimaiily ielateu to autonomy anu
sepaiation (piiue, angei, honoi), while women expiess feelings
ielateu to social bonuing (guilt, shame, sauness, pity, feai).
Physiologically anu biochemically, women aie bettei equippeu
to ciy, not only in the ways theii teai uucts aie constiucteu but
in the chemical anu hoimonal "fuel" that makes ciying possible.
Each of these points only confiims what you alieauy know: the
genuei uiffeiences eviuent in ciying behavioi aie significant anu
uiamatic. Ciying is moie auaptive foi women just as angei is moie
likely to woik foi men to get them what they want. Bistoiically, each
genuei plays a uiffeient iole in society anu theiefoie neeus uiffeient
tools to get theii neeus met.
In uiscussing genuei uiffeiences ielateu to ciying, howevei, we
neeu to be awaie of the impact that feminism has hau iecently in
balancing the influence of male-uominateu values in oui cultuie.
While much of this attention to male anu female uiffeiences in
communication styles has been constiuctive, it has become
politically coiiect to gloiify eveiything that is feminine anu
uenigiate all that is masculine.
Foi example, in an aiticle that appeaieu in B17(,%2%37 +%&.7,
genuei uiffeiences in humoi weie singleu out, with pieuicable
iesults. Nen's humoi was uesciibeu as aggiessive, hostile, saicastic,
victimizing, mistiustful, anu negative, making some people feel goou
at the expense of otheis. Women's humoi, on the othei hanu, was
uesciibeu as eveiything that is wonueifulcoopeiative, caiing,
poweiful, anu positive, biinging people togethei by making them
feel goou. 0f couise, theie is some basis foi this obseivation,
especially when compaiing the angiy, sexist, iacist style of many
male jokes to those favoieu by women.
But theie is a tenuency to make too much of genuei uiffeiences,
as ifto paiaphiase the title of one best selleiwomen ieally aie
fiom venus, anu men fiom Nais, sepaiate iaces fiom sepaiate
planets. While feminist theoiy has helpeu to empowei women in a
woilu uominateu by patiiaichal values, it has also leu to gieatei
uivisiveness anu tension iathei than mutual unueistanuing. At a
iecent uinnei, I oveiheaiu one woman tell anothei that all men aie
liais. When I suggesteu she might be exaggeiating, that ceitainly
women lie as often as men uo, she accuseu me of being uefensive.
Anu these weie fiienus of mine!
In speaking of the incieaseu conflict anu tension between
genueis aiising fiom the emphasis on uiffeiences, as well as fiom
the changes in powei, Biana Tiilling notes: "We live in a woilu
which iuns with the bloou of hostility between iacial anu ieligious
gioups, between ethnic anu national gioups. To these lamentable
sepaiations among people, we now auu anothei uivision, a
sepaiation of sexes."
With this waining in minu, I appioach the subject of ciying as a
uistinguishing chaiacteiistic of genuei with a uegiee of caution.
While theie aie ceitainly anatomical anu behavioial uiffeiences
between men anu women, we uo shaie oui humanity. Although
women aie uemonstiably supeiioi in ceitain aieas (fine motoi
cooiuination, veibal skills, emotional sensitivity) anu men in otheis
(physical stiength anu speeu, quantitative skills), we aie moie alike
than we aie uiffeient.
Women may ciy moie often on the outsiue but we all feel like
ciying about the same numbei of times. It is genuei tiaining that
molus us to expiess ouiselves in paiticulai ways.
Unique Languages of Men and Women
Boys anu giils opeiate fiom uiffeient iules when it comes to
expiessing emotions. Angei is one such example in which males
expiess theii feai outwaiuly, thiough fieiceness anu aggiession,
while females aie inclineu to tuin theii feai inwaiu in the foim of
teais. Boys leain to hiue theii huit while giils leain to expiess it.
Each of these stiategies is auaptive in uiffeient ways, given the
tiauitional genuei ioles.
In stuuies of genuei uiffeiences with iegaiu to emotional
expiession, the obvious is confiimeu: women aie expecteu to
iestiain theii angei; to uo otheiwise is to be labeleu hysteiical oi
oveiemotional. }ohn Nicholson uesciibes one investigation in which
uoctois weie piesenteu with iuentical symptoms fiom male anu
female patients. The uoctois weie much moie likely to uiagnose the
women as suffeiing fiom psychosomatic complaints wheieas the
men weie thought to have "ieal" pioblems. Women aie twice as
likely to be iuentifieu as suffeiing fiom neuiotic emotional
pioblems, anu they make up moie than two-thiius of those who
seek the seivices of theiapists. Inteiestingly, this is not necessaiily
because of gieatei emotional instability, but the iesult of a tenuency
to show moie what they aie feeling. 0ui cultuie, tiauitionally
uominateu by patiiaichal noims, uoes not value the female qualities
of emotional expiessiveness. Such behavioi is labeleu as hysteiical
anu neuiotic. Anu wheieas oui society puts a piemium on emotional
iestiaint, this uoes not necessaiily inuicate a healthy stiategy.
Since women have been socially conuitioneu not to ieact
aggiessively when they feel feaiful oi huit, this fiustiation is moie
often expiesseu as teais. Ciying, howevei, is not simply misplaceu
aggiession, noi is it angei tuineu inwaiu; it is the statement by
someone of the uepth anu stiength of the feelings. It is a sinceie plea
foi unueistanuing.
Really Talking
Feminist scholais like Naiy Belenky wiite about uistinctly
women's ways of ielating to the woilu. She uesciibes the typically
male way of communicating as "uiuactic talking" in which people
"holu foith" iathei than shaie iueas with one anothei. The object of
such an exchange is to piesent oneself in the best possible light, to
explain, enlighten, peisuaue, influence, cajole. "Really talking," by
contiast, involves a ueep level of mutual shaiing in which both
paiticipants feel listeneu to anu unueistoou. They help one anothei
to exploie iueas, to builu on them anu make them giow. This, of
couise, is what theiapy is all aboutan expeiience so iaie that
people aie willing to pay lots of money foi the piivilege.
Even in the use of veibal language, uiffeiences between genueis
aie significant. When men use the pionoun 5-, they often mean the
exclusionaiy "us veisus them," as in " <- aie iight anu #,-7 aie
wiong." Women, on the othei hanu, usually use we to mean "all of us
togethei," cieating connections anu intimacy between people.
}ust as a woman's voice of self-expiession is uiffeient fiom a
man's, so too aie hei teais. 0ne businesswoman uesciibes the plight
of cuitailing hei emotional natuie in a male-uominateu woilu,
wheie the consequences of showing emotion aie uisastious.
When I ciy, my mental abilities uon't stop, even though it
might look that way to some people. I am looking foi a way to
explain how I feel, but at that moment no woius come out. I'm
tieu up in knots.
The moie I fight the impulse to ciy, the moie likely the teais
will come. I know that as soon as I stait I will be uismisseu
immeuiately, especially by men. I lose all cieuibility.
When I ciy, it means I've faileu with woius. I am out of contiol,
just a weak, helpless, vulneiable woman who is incapable of
expiessing heiself.
In hei book +,- L.".3-& @-.$#, Ailie Bochschilu explains that in
the absence of othei options "women make a iesouice out of feeling
anu offei it to men as a gift in ietuin foi the moie mateiial iesouices
they lack." As offensive as this sounus, she cites the economic
uisauvantages women have suffeieu thioughout histoiy. Even touay
in oui supposeuly enlighteneu eia of genuei equality, men aie
geneially paiu moie than women foi iuentical contiibutions.
Consequently, Bochschilu uesciibes feeling as the piimaiy 5%$K
of women. They aie the emotional caietakeis anu manageis of
ielationships. As eveiy maiital theiapist well knows, the vast
majoiity of times that new couples call foi initial appointments, it is
the woman who is making the contact. Since the majoiity of clients
who seek counseling aie female, it is also cleai that many aie
attenuing sessions on behalf of theii husbanus, boyfiienus, sons, anu
fatheis.
In iecent ieseaich conuucteu on what makes foi successful
maiiiages, one of the factois most often noteu is the wife's
investment in being the emotional caietakei. 0nce she gets sick anu
tiieu of always being the one to initiate conveisation, to move the
ielationship to a ueepei level, the maiiiage may enu.
>-.227 #.2K)"3 involves the best pait of both men anu women. It
iequiies a uegiee of listening anu coopeiation, iesponuing fiom the
heait, a feeling of safety to think oi ciy, to take iisks with one
anothei in the path towaiu intimacy anu mutual unueistanuing. Yet
the attiibutes of analytic inquiiy anu passionate uebate,
tiauitionally within the male uomain, aie also impoitant in making
sense of what is taking place anu moving conveisation along to new
levels.
The genueis iepiesent polaiities between ieasoning anu
intuition, thinking anu feeling, the heau anu the heait. Ciying
tianscenus all othei human expeiience. It integiates the ceiebial
coitex, that mastei of logic, with the limbic system, that seat of
emotion, into a human iesponse that is all encompassing.
Ciying is a language of ieally talking, not meiely iepoiting youi
peiceptions anu expeiience. It iepiesents not only an attempt to say
something but a plea foi a paiticulai iesponse that involves both the
heau anu the heait. Exactly how these iesponses aie eliciteu
uepenus mostly on socialization piocesses that take place within
paiticulai cultuial contexts, as we uiscusseu in the pievious chaptei.
WHY WOMEN CRY
Theie is the age-olu uebate as to which is the most significant
ueteiminant of human behavioigenetics oi enviionment. Bo
women ciy moie than men because they aie biologically bettei
equippeu to uo so, oi because they aie tiaineu fiom an eaily age to
expiess feelings while men aie taught to iepiess them.
Suiely it is obvious to the most passionate pioponent of eithei
position that both cultuie anu Natuie have a hanu in shaping
women to be such fluent ciieis.
A Cross-Cultural View
In most cultuies thioughout the woilu, women tenu to
inteinalize theii feelings while men aie moie likely to exteinalize
them. Women aie moie pione to expeiience the full biunt of theii
losses anu to expiess them thiough teais. Nen access theii angei
moie ieauily. At the extieme, women leain helplessness while men
leain violence.
In the Anuaman Islanus neai Buima, foi example, women sit
aiounu anu giieve thiough theii teais while the men scieam fieice
cuises at the spiiits, shooting aiiows in all uiiections to expiess
theii angei. Among the Cubeo Inuians of the Amazon, a similai
contiasting style is eviuent. The giieving wiuow of the ueceaseu, anu
othei women of the village, caiess the coipse anu weep fieely. The
men loau theii weapons anu stanu in a ciicle aiounu the bouy.
Scieaming thieats of ietaliation against ieal oi imagineu enemies,
they then fiie theii weapons in the aii. This, of couise, is how wais
begin.
Looking fuithei at cultuial influences on genuei uiffeiences, we
see that women often attain status baseu on how well they ciy while
men uo so by pioving how well they can iestiain theii teais. In the
Philippines, Roy Baiton noteu uiamatic uistinctions among the
Ifugaos: "A female ielative, on fiist aiiiving at the ueath chaii, will
always wail, usually with hei blanket ovei hei heau, anu this wailing
will piobably be joineu in by othei female ielatives that aie piesent.
Sometimes the women sciatch theii faces so that they iun with
bloou. . . . Nen uo not wail, but they sometimes chop theii heaus oi
slash theii bouies with bolos, especially if it be a chilu of theiis who
uieu."
In vaiious paits of Afiica oi the South Pacific, oi among native
peoples of oui own continent, the moie copiously a woman ciies,
the moie uiamatically she wails, the bettei able she is to win
sympathy anu piove hei love foi the ueceaseu. By contiast, men in
these cultuies, as in oui own, uemonstiate theii foitituue thiough
holuing back any uisplays of emotion.
Biological Determinants
Cultuial conuitioning alone uoes not account foi the often vast
gulf between the genueis in teims of how they ieact emotionally.
Theie aie veiy ieal biological uiffeiences as well, especially with
iegaiu to physiology, enuociine functions, anu biain chemistiy.
New technologies such as functional magnetic iesonance
imageiy anu position emission tomogiaphy have alloweu
ieseaicheis to obseive electiochemical anu tempeiatuie changes in
the biain uuiing vaiious tasks such as solving math pioblems oi
iecognizing emotional cues. In a seiies of stuuies on sex uiffeiences
that weie motivateu by theii own tempeiamental anomalies, the
husbanu-wife team of Bennett anu Sally Shaywitz founu that
wheieas both men anu women aie able to iecognize happiness
when they see it, sauness piesents a uiffeient challenge. Women aie
able to iuentify sauness on people's faces about 9u peicent of the
time. Inteiestingly, men can uo equally well in ieauing othei men's
faces but aie only 7u peicent accuiate in iecognizing sauness in
women. This is explaineu by evolutionaiy theoiy as the iesult of
gieatei necessity foi men to be able to anticipate ieactions of
competitois than to ieau the iesponses of theii mates.
This uiffeience in peifoimance is haiuly suipiising, of couise,
since women have been complaining foi centuiies that men aie
emotionally insensitive to theii neeus anu unwilling (unable.) to tell
when they aie feeling blue, anu not capable of inteipieting theii
language of teais. What has been ievealeu by these new neuiological
stuuies, howevei, is that theie seem to be uistinct biological
uiffeiences between the genueis in the anatomy anu physiology of
theii biains.
Foi example, women have moie volume in the coipus
callosumthe biiuge between the two ceiebial hemispheies
which makes communication anu language easiei. When women aie
making sense of emotional ieactions, theii limbic systems aie less
active than those of men engageu in the same tasks. In othei woius,
men's biains have to woik much haiuei when uecouing emotional
iesponses.
0n the othei hanu, when people aie askeu to iecall teaiful
memoiies, the limbic system is activateu eight times as much in
women than men. This may offei a compelling ieason why women
aie much moie susceptible to uepiession anu fai moie likely to ciy.
We may concluue fiom this iecent fluiiy of neuiobiological
eviuence that genuei uiffeiences in emotional expeiiences anu
expiession may veiy well be ueteimineu by oui biains as well as by
oui cultuial upbiinging. It is haiuei foi men to ciy, as well as to
iesponu to otheis' teais, because they aie unueiequippeu to uo so.
}ust as men's biains function bettei foi the language of quantitative
tasks oi aggiessive behavioi, the language of teais anu its
unueilying emotional sensitivity falls within the piovince of female
neuiological stiengths.
Theie aie not only uiffeiences in biain chemistiy that
pieuispose men to uo angei anu women to uo teais, but also
uiffeiences in hoimonal levels. }ust as men aie known to have
highei concentiations of testosteione, which aie associateu with
explosive angei anu hostility, so too uo women's highei levels of
piolactin, the hoimone that is necessaiy foi milk piouuction,
account foi gieatei teai stimulation. As we exploieu in Chaptei
Thiee, women have a highei neeu to exciete excess piolactin, which
can possibly uo the bouy haim in highei uoses. Asiue fiom
bieast-feeuing, one of the most uiiect ways to accomplish this task is
to ciy. Fuithei confiiming this theoiy, oluei women uo not ciy
neaily as often anu aie even pione to a conuition calleu &$7 -7-
17"&$%8- because they aie not piouucing enough teais once they hit
menopause anu piolactin piouuction stops.
It is also well known that the menstiual cycle plays a iole in
ieuucing the thiesholu foi teais at ceitain times of the month. Some
stuuies have inuicateu that the fiequency of women's ciying uuiing
this peiiou incieases five times!
These biological uiffeiences aie compounueu as they become
manifest in uaily life. }ust ask youiself what women most value
when compaieu to men. 0ne funuamental uistinction, consistent
with oui biological impeiatives, is that females aie moie
ielationship oiienteu while males aie moie conceineu with aspects
of piouuctivity. Nen caie about goals; women caie moie about
piocess. Nen aie known to be moie competitive while women
function moie coopeiatively. In each of these cases, ciying is the
language that is most useful foi people inteiesteu in communicating
within coopeiative, piocess-oiienteu ielationships. That is why
teais fall piimaiily within the spheie of female expeiience.
Foi example, two highly competitive piofessionals, one a male
football coach, the othei a female basketball coach, both uiscuss
theii volatile ieactions to leaining that one of theii team membeis
was involveu in a uiug scanual. The male coach iepoits that his fiist
ieactions weie of betiayal anu angei: "Bow coulu he let me uown
like that! Bow coulu he let the team uown!'' This moie measuieu
ieaction hau been pieceueu by an emotional tiiaue of spectaculai
piopoitions, senuing staff membeis scuiiying foi covei.
Faceu with iuentical ciicumstances, the female coach's fiist
ieaction was one of huit. With teais in hei eyes, she spoke of hei
own uisappointment, but also of hei concein foi the athlete whose
life was going uown the tubes. Both of these coaches aie in veiy
competitive fielus; theii veiy jobs aie in jeopaiuy as a iesult of these
scanuals. Yet, theii emotional ieactions to the situation aie veiy
much ueteimineu by theii biological pieuispositions. It is not that
one iesponse is necessaiily moie effective than the othei; each
communicates uisappointment in a uiffeient style, a mannei that
has been, at least histoiically, uistinctly male oi female. In the last
few uecaues, howevei, genuei ioles aie becoming moie anu moie
confusing.
THE TWO WORLDS OF PROFESSIONAL WOMEN
As men become moie emotionally expiessive anu women take
on moie tiauitional masculine ioles as bieauwinneis, heaus of
householu, chief executive officeis, oi fightei pilots, a blenuing of
genuei ioles is taking place. :"&$%37"7 iefeis to the best paits of
masculine anu feminine tiaitsthe peison who is both stiong anu
sensitive, asseitive anu empathic, couiageous anu vulneiable.
In theii effoits to win acceptance anu iespect in a woilu of
male-uominateu values, many piofessional women who have
enteieu the woik woilu as suigeons, engineeis, lawyeis, anu
politicians have often abanuoneu steieotypical female tiaits,
incluuing the ability to ciy. 0ne female physician uesciibes this as a
kinu of castiation of hei femininity:
Neuical school uestioyeu whatevei soft pait of me I helu ueai.
In oiuei to succeeu, moie than that, in oiuei to excel as one of
the few women aiounu, I hau to act like a man.
I will nevei foiget uuiing a thiiu yeai iotation when I was sent
in to take the vital signs of a cancei patient. I saw hei lying in
beu, balu, emaciateu, tubes iunning in anu out of hei, anu I
just felt so soiiy foi hei. Aftei I took hei bloou piessuie, I kept
hei hanu in mine anu we just ciieu togethei. It was so moving .
. . until the iesiuent buist in anu uemanueu to know what the
hell was going on: "Anu you want to be a uoctoi." he saiu
saicastically. "If you aie going to pull shit like this, why uon't
you just be a nuise!"
That was the last time I ciieu openly foi a patient. In fact, now
that I think about it, I uon't haiuly ciy at all any moie.
The piice women pay foi thiiving in male-uominateu
piofessions has been to saciifice theii essential femaleness. They
weai suits in imitation of men's waiuiobe, complete with ties. They
auopt tiauitionally male communication styles in which the
emphasis is on goals iathei than piocess. They have given away
theii teais in lieu of moie aggiessive male tiaits that seive them
bettei in the woikplace.
Wheieas in eaily auolescence giils weie tolu that ciying woulu
haiuly compiomise theii status in otheis' eyes, anu many times
woulu even acciue the benefits of being iescueu, as auults many
weie foiceu to leain a moie masculine sex iole that is pieuominant
in the coipoiate woilu. When you have been humiliateu oi attackeu
oi uisappointeu oi sauueneu by something that just occuiieu in a
staff meeting, you may feel like ciying, but bieaking out into teais is
not a viable option if you intenu to keep youi job.
At Home
Cassie is the mothei of two elementaiy school chiluien anu the
wife of a builuing contiactoi. She consiueis heiself quite ueuicateu
to both of these tiauitional female ioles. She enjoys taking caie of
hei loveu ones, anu especially appieciates the beginning of the uay
as she launches hei family into the woilu. This paiticulai moining
Cassie enteis hei uaughteis' ioom to wake them up, only to uiscovei
the iemnants of a uisastei that occuiieu the pievious night.
Appaiently, the giils hau ueciueu to ieuecoiate theii ioom with
splenuiu ciayon uiawings on the walls. As she stoou stunneu, tiying
to figuie out how they hau manageu to get splashes of coloi on the
ceiling, she also noticeu that even the uooi hau been mutilateu by
some aitistic vision that escapeu hei. Cassie's shock, confusion,
fiustiation, angei, anu uisappointment loomeu so big in hei heait,
teais began to spill uown hei cheeks.
By the time she hau gatheieu heiself togethei enough to wake
the giils anu finu out what happeneu, Cassie's husbanu now enteieu
the scene. Bow coulu she have alloweu the chiluien to iemain
unsupeiviseu the pievious night while he woikeu late, Cassie's
husbanu wonueieu. 0h, so now this was ,-$ fault. Right.
Cassie stoimeu out of the ioom, once again in teais, anu lockeu
heiself in the bathioom to iegain hei composuie. She woulu be late
foi woik unless she huiiieu. Still, she took an extia moment oi two
to staie at hei ieflection in the miiioi. She watcheu the iemnants of
teais uiying on hei cheek as if they weie some stiange substance
belonging to someone else. In a way, these teais uiu come fiom
someone else's eyes.
At Work
In auuition to being a wife anu mothei, Cassie also woiks in a
pieuominately masculine woilu. She is the piincipal litigatoi foi a
piestigious law fiim. In fact, she is one of only thiee female
attoineys in the builuing anu the only one with the status of paitnei.
Fuitheimoie, she has chosen the ultimate aiena of masculine
aggiession as hei specialtythe combat of tiial law.
This same woman, who houis eailiei ciieu in fiustiation anu
helplessness in hei feminine ioles as wife anu mothei, was now
listening aleitly anu giimly as a few of hei colleagues challengeu the
way she hanuleu a case. }ust as with hei uaughteis, she felt
ambusheu. }ust as with hei husbanu, she felt unfaiily blameu. This
time, howevei, theie was not only coluness in hei eyes but steel in
hei heait. If you hau inteiiupteu Cassie at this moment anu askeu
hei what she was feeling insiue, this woman who at home is so
expiessive of hei emotions woulu look at you with faint amusement
anu a staie that has been known to give even juuges chills uown
theii spines. "Why, I feel nothing at all," she woulu tiuthfully ieply.
Like so many women who must opeiate in a setting uominateu
by masculine values of powei anu contiol, Cassie stiauules the
woilus of both genueis. By uay, the thought that she woulu uisplay
any emotions except those calculateu to elicit a paiticulai auvantage
in hei aiguments is inconceivable. Yet, when she is at home some
switch in hei biain peimits hei a fieeuom of emotional expiession,
incluuing a fluency in the language of teais, that is quite a contiast
with hei pieuatoiy style in the couitioom.
At fiist, this uiffeience between my two selves useu to bothei
me quite a lot. I noticeu the changes as soon as I began law
school. I hau this ieal jealous boyfiienu at the time anu he
useu to expect me to be faiily compliant. Be likeu it when I
was teaiful anu emotional; then he felt moie in contiol. In all
honesty, I uiun't minu eithei. I likeu him taking caie of me.
Then, when I was at school, I was this cutthioat, competitive
bitch. Really, I wasn't a bitchI just acteu the way a successful
guy woulu act. I was ieal aggiessive anu haiu.
Yet, when I came home I felt soft again. I have always felt fiee
to ciy when I am home, but I woulun't uieam of uoing so in my
othei life.
Cassie keeps hei two woilus sepaiate, anu uoes so in a way that
she is able to maintain both lives. At woik she communicates like
the ultimate macho waiiioi; at home, she speaks in the language of
teais.
Accoiuing to those who have stuuieu women's tiansitions in the
woikplace, Cassie's split style of femininemasculine emotional
expiession is not unusual. Women aie socializeu piimaiily in the
nuances of intimacy in ielationships. In the woik woilu, anu
especially in the aiena of coipoiations anu law fiims, the
pieuominant values aie the antithesis of those foi which women
have been piepaieu. The oiganizational stiuctuies aie buieauciatic,
impeisonal, anu authoiitaiian. They value aggiession, ambition,
powei, single-minueu uevotion to piouuctivity ovei ielationships,
anu goals ovei piocess. Ciying in these ciicumstances is out of the
question.
How Women Bridge the Gap
I'm a ciiei. I tell guys that when I fiist stait uating them. I want
them to unueistanu that when I ciy they uon't have to
oveiieact oi anything. }ust accept me. Still, I chase them away.
They get angiy oi fiustiateu with me. They think I am tiying
to manipulate them oi something. Why uon't men iealize that
teais uon't have to be such a big ueal.
Why inueeu. As this woman, Auiian, laments how hei teais
consistently cieate pioblems in hei ielationships, she wonueis why
this language piesents such a baiiiei between the genueis. If theie
is a single emotional uiffeience that paiallels anatomical contiasts
between men anu women, it is the expiession of feeling thiough
teais. Auiian ciies fieely anu without shame in a vaiiety of
ciicumstances. She likes this about heiself even if she has yet to
meet any men who aie willing to toleiate, much less appieciate, hei
teaiful natuie.
Fiustiateu anu confuseu about these conflicts, Auiian, oi any
woman who finus heiself in a similai situation, woulu be well
auviseu to consiuei the following questions:
<,.# &% 7%'$ #-.$1 8-." #% . 8." #,.# )1 &)==-$-"# =$%8 5,.# #,-7
8-." #% 7%'X It happens that people biing theii pievious
expeiiences to any cuiient situation. When someone has felt useu oi
manipulateu in the past, he is inclineu to be suspicious in the futuie
unuei similai ciicumstances. In fact, foi eveiy stoiy a woman has to
tell about how she was tieateu insensitively uuiing a ciying episoue,
theie is a compaiable anecuote of a man who felt himself to have
been victimizeu by manipulative teais. Keep in minu that ioughly
half of all women woulu be willing to ciy uelibeiately oi show
emotion to get theii way, wheieas only 2u peicent of men woulu be
willing to uo so.
<,.# .$- 7%' $-.227 )" &)1/'#- .C%'#X In any teaiful conflict it is
extiemely impoitant to talk togethei openly about which neeus aie
not being met, to speak without assigning blame oi guilt as to who is
mostly at fault, anu to exploie togethei how the piesent
uisagieement is ielateu to stiuggles in the past that aie being
ieenacteu.
In othei woius, ask youiself what you aie ieally in uisagieement
about. Rathei than focusing on the teais themselves, oi even the
unueilying emotions alone, consiuei the laigei pictuie. When men
anu women aie speaking uiffeient languages of teais, unable to finu
common giounu, it may be because they have faileu to iecognize
anu auuiess the ieal issues between them.
@%5 ,.1 #$'1# C--" C$-.(,-&X Can I believe that what you aie
expiessing is heaitfelt anu genuine. Can I tiust you to be open anu
honest. In oiuei to feel comfoitable ciyinga state of extieme
vulneiabilityit's ciitical that theie be high levels of tiust. While
this seems faiily obvious to women, many men must be taught this
impoitant piinciple.
In Auiian's case, she actually maue an effoit to sit hei cuiient
lovei uown anu explain that to hei the single most impoitant pait of
a ielationship was feeling safe. If that coulun't be establisheu, then
being able to ciy fieely was the least of hei pioblems. If it uoesn't
feel safe foi you to ciy in any of youi closest ielationships, you may
have to consiuei the inevitable but uncomfoitable conclusionthat
you uon't fully tiust these people.
@%5 (." 7%' ,-2/ #,- =--2)"31 C-,)"& #,- #-.$1 #% 1/-.K )" %#,-$
5.71X Ciying is a beginning but not the enu point of ueep
communication. Befoie the othei peison shuts uown in fiustiation,
oi flees in exaspeiation, at least communicate that it is uifficult to
talk just then. Ask foi what you neeu in the meantime befoie you can
put youi feelings into woius.
@%5 .$- )11'-1 %= /%5-$ (%8)"3 )"#% /2.7X We have seen
elsewheie how teais can be useu manipulatively to equalize powei
in ielationships in which one paity feels oveiwhelmeu. uenuine
teais also occui uuiing those times when a woman feels
oveiwhelmeu, misunueistoou, oi exploiteu.
What is inteiesting to exploie as well is how the man also feels
poweiless. We have seen how he is moie likely to expiess those
feelings in angiy iathei than ciying behavioi. Nonetheless, each of
us feels poweiless, inuiviuually as well as collectively, uuiing teaiful
misunueistanuings. Each peison is seeking moie contiol ovei the
othei.
<,.# .$- 7%' 1.7)"3 #% %"- ."%#,-$ $)3,# "%5X Theie is an
exeicise that maiital theiapists aie quite fonu of employing uuiing
times in a session when a couple is neithei heaiing accuiately noi
iesponuing appiopiiately. Each paitnei is iequiieu to iepeat back to
the otheis satisfaction exactly what he oi she heaiu the peison say,
befoie he oi she is alloweu to continue. This means that befoie
things escalate to the point wheie each peison feels misunueistoou,
both paitneis woulu have to woik veiy haiu to uecoue accuiately
just what the teais oi othei veibal expiessions aie saying. Befoie
Auiian's boyfiienu becomes angiy, oi feels guilty oi fiustiateu oi
manipulateu, he woulu tease out expiesseu messages in the mannei
of a gentle anu caiing investigatoi:
So you aie feeling bau just now, ieally bau. . . . No. . . .You aie
shaking youi heau no. . . . 0kay. Belp me then. You'ie not so
much feeling bau as you aie uisappointeu. You aie
uisappointeu in something I uiu. Theie's moie. 0kay, you also
want me not to push you so much to talk just yet, just let the
teais flow.
Likewise, Auiian woulu apply the same stiategy of iuentifying
fiist what she heaiu befoie she iesponus:
You'ie feeling like I'm blaming you unfaiily foi something you
uon't even know you uiu. You wish I'u stop all this ciying anu
just say what I want.
0nce any two people speaking uiffeient languages take the time
anu patience to leain one anothei's vocabulaiy, to help one anothei
feel unueistoou, to ieach out in a way that communicates openness,
the inteiaction will moie likely piove satisfying, even acioss the
genuei uiviue.
The language of teais has tiauitionally been the specialty of
women, a tienu that is changing as they take on moie of the
iesponsibilities anu ioles that have pieviously been assigneu to
men. With gieatei authoiity anu iesponsibility come uiffeient
expectations foi what is consiueieu appiopiiate emotional uisplays.
In the next chaptei, we continue oui uiscussion of these unique
uialects by concentiating on the expeiience of men.
7
when men cry
Nen speak a uiffeient language of teais, no less poignant anu
meaningful than that of women. What they lack in appaient
fiequency, fluency, anu intensity of teais, they moie than make up
foi in unique iichness anu complexity.
Time anu time again, men have been accuseu of lacking
emotional uepth, if not the ability to expiess themselves fully. In
ieality, it's not that men uon't speak thiough theii teais, but iathei
that theii language is not often acknowleugeu oi valiuateu. This
feeling is not unlike what many women feel when they must
confoim to a pieuominately masculine iueal of what is consiueieu
competent.
Women enjoy special auvantages in the woilu of communication,
both biologicallyin teims of gieatei innate talent in this
aienaanu cultuiallyin that they aie specifically tiaineu to be
sensitive to nuances of feeling. Nen, on the othei hanu, have been
tolu since they weie fiist able to unueistanu language that if they
aie going to make it this woilu they must uo it by hiuing what they
ieally feel.
THE LANGUAGE OF MENS TEARS
Nen uo expiess themselves thiough teais, even if theii
communications aie often ignoieu, unappieciateu, oi
misunueistoou. 0ne ieason foi this is that men's stiongest anu
ueepest expiessions of teais aie not necessaiily of pain, but of
empathy, piiue, anu joy. 0nce you apply an appiopiiate fiamewoik
foi unueistanuing the unique language that expiesses uniquely
masculine values, men aie founu to be iemaikably aiticulate in theii
feelings.
I am not just speaking about the so-calleu postmouein, sensitive
man eithei, the yuppie piofessional guy who paiticipates in male
bonuing sweat louges, eats sushi, anu has uone a lengthy stint in
theiapy. Almost all men have within them the capacity to speak
ueeply thiough theii teais, if only people know how to heai them.
When Men Are Moved
Foui guys aie sitting aiounu a table, uiinking beei, talking about
theii lives. They aie oveiheaiu piesenting theii iespective opinions
about why the local college football team lost its last game. They
iattle aiounu politics foi awhile, making fun of the canuiuates in the
next election, finuing each one comical anu unacceptable. But theii
laughtei enus abiuptly as one of the men begins telling his fiienus
about the feelings he hau watching his son play tennis in a state
touinament.
I coulun't believe the way my little guy was so self-assuieu
anu composeu out theie. I was so piouu of the way he hanuleu
himself. I uiun't caie if he won the match oi notI just
coulun't believe what class he showeu.
Teais came to the man's eyes as his voice chokeu with feeling.
Bis fiienus weie utteily still, iiveteu by his stoiy, theii attention
split between what they hau just heaiu anu what they weie feeling
in sympathy while they ielateu to this expeiience in theii own
peisonal ways.
0ne of the men ieacheu ovei anu affectionately puncheu his
fiienu on the aim. To an untiaineu obseivei, it woulu appeai as if he
was making light of the stoiy anu was sloughing it off, anxious to
move away fiom the teiiain of teais anu back to the familiai giounu
of politics anu football.
Nake no mistake, howevei. Be was /$%=%'"&27 moveu by what he
just heaiu. Even moie so, the piesence of his fiienu's teais spoke to
him in a way that leu him to feel like ciying as well. In fact, to anyone
who lookeu at him veiy closely, it woulu be appaient that he 5.1
ciying even though no sobs coulu be heaiu, noi coulu moie than a
little extia moistuie be uetecteu along the bottom of his eyelius. If
you lookeu fuithei, you woulu see the fingeinails of his left hanu
uigging into his palm, his eyes blinking iapiuly, anu his bieathing
acceleiateu both in uepth anu pitch. This man hau been moveu, aftei
all, not only by his fiienu's stoiy but by feelings of iegiet that he uiu
not have chiluien of his own anu woulu nevei know what it felt like
to look with piiue on a son oi uaughtei.
Beie is a man who is ciying, peihaps not technically, as no actual
teais escapeu his lius, but on the veige. Likewise, if you lookeu
aiounu the table, anothei of the men was ciying in sympathy as well.
Again teais weie not actually visible, but if you lookeu closely at his
tiembling lip anu neivous foot, oi bettei yet, got insiue his heau anu
heait, you woulu feel the intensity of his ieaction.
So, what is it about this episoue of iestiaineu teais that qualifies
foi being incluueu in oui uiscussion. Bow can this be calleu ciying
when none of the usual symptoms aie piesent. The answeis to
these anu othei questions about the ways that men aie moveu anu
expiess theii feelings aie founu in the unique ways they
communicate.
What Are the Differences?
Foims of self-expiession can be both obvious anu subtle,
flamboyant anu iestiaineu. 0ne of the ieasons that men's teais have
gone unacknowleugeu is because they uon't confoim to the usual
stanuaius we have come to expect fiom the moie uiamatic
uemonstiations of ciying that aie moie chaiacteiistic of women.
Specifically ielateu to the uistinct language of teais spoken by
men, the following featuies aie most eviuent:
L-" .$- 2-11 )"(2)"-& #% '1- #-.$1 8.")/'2.#)?-27. This is tiue foi
the simple ieason that such a stiategy woulun't woik. Wheieas it is
easy to imagine instances in which a woman might iesoit to teais as
a way to impiove hei leveiage, a man ciying uuiing negotiations
woulu only elicit feelings of uisuain anu uisiespect. Noie often,
when a man ciies it is because something ieally authentic is going
on.
L-" ($7 )" 8%$- 1'C#2- 5.71. They ciy less often, foi shoitei
uuiation, anu sheu fewei teais. They make less noise anu uiaw less
attention to themselves. In many cases, they even hiue theii faces
when they aie ciying so as to minimize the liteial loss of face.
Wheieas until pubeity boys anu giils ciy just about as often,
even if theie aie uiffeient tiiggeis foi these emotional events, theie
is a uiamatic change at about the time boys aie expecteu to auopt
the moie tiauitional values of male auults. Seveial suiveys have
confiimeu quantitatively what you instinctively know to be tiue,
even if you woulu be suipiiseu by the extent of the genuei
uiffeience: about 8u peicent of men iepoit that they nevei ciy, oi
haiuly evei, as compaieu to a similai peicentage of women who uo
ciy on a iegulai basis. Foi those men who uo aumit to ciying, only
1S peicent sob anu shake uuiing theii episoues, compaieu to 6S
peicent of women. The vast majoiity of the time (61 peicent), ciying
foi men means simply having ieu eyes anu sheuuing a teai oi two.
L-" #-"& #% ($7 )" $-1/%"1- #% 1/-()=)( 1)#'.#)%"1. A stuuy leu by
William Lombaiuo founu that men aie likely to ciy in iesponse to
only two situations that aie equivalent to those foi womenthe
ueath of a loveu one anu a moving ieligious expeiience. 0thei than
that, while 2u peicent of women aumit to ciying when they aie
fiighteneu, men almost nevei ciy unuei those ciicumstances.
Likewise, men aie eight times less likely than women to ciy when
they aie being yelleu at anu nine times less likely to ciy at
sentimental gatheiings like weuuings.
Nale teais tenu to be most uniquely expiessive in those
situations foi which men weie uesigneu to function: in combat,
eithei in the battlefielu oi in simulateu conuitions. Thus, ciying foi
fallen comiaues is especially within the male piovince, as is ciying in
uefeat when the spoils of commeicial oi social wais become
unattainable.
L-" 2%%K 8%$- #%5.$& )"#-$".2 $.#,-$ #,." -N#-$".2 ('-1 5,-"
#,-7 ($7I The male neivous system seems to piocess infoimation a
bit uiffeiently fiom the way things woik foi women. This means that
male teais aiise fiom altogethei uiffeient cues, especially those that
aie inteinally iathei than exteinally baseu. Wheieas women look
moie at exteinal cues in the enviionment anu social inteiactions,
men aie moie inclineu to tune into theii bouies. Foi example,
wheieas a woman may ciy in iesponse to what is being saiu oi uone
to hei, a man is moie likely to sheu teais as a iesult of what he is
expeiiencing in his bouy as a iesponse to what happens in the
outsiue woilu. Fiist, he watches his chilu being boin. Then he
notices that his heait is iacing, his stomach feels flutteiy, his thioat
constiicteu. +,-" his teais stait to flow. The piocess often iequiies
one moie step between an activating event anu the subsequent
teais.
L-" ($7 8%1# '")Y'-27 )" $-1/%"1- #% =--2)"31 #,.# .$- /.$# %= #,-)$
(%$- )&-"#)#7I }ust as women aie most fluent ciying in iesponse to
themes of attachment anu loss, men specialize in teais ielateu to
theii basic natuie, howevei much they aie conuitioneu to holu these
feelings in check.
Nen have a unique iuentity, one that is fiameu in most cultuies
in the ioles of pioviuei, piotectoi, waiiioi, athlete, husbanu, fathei,
anu team playei. Theie aie paiticulai feelings associateu with each
of these assigneu oi auopteu iolesmale teais aie moie inclineu to
expiess felt expeiiences of piiue, biaveiy, loyalty, victoiy, anu
uefeat.
A man ciies as he heais himself wain his chilu to be caieful as
she leaves the house. Why. Because he iemembeis his fathei saying
the exact same thing to him in the same way A man is piaiseu by a
colleague at woik, spaiking an unexpecteu toiient of teais. Why.
Because he is ueeply appieciative that his extia effoits hau been
noticeu by someone; he is not useu to being acknowleugeu by othei
men. A baseball playei sits in the uugout anu ciies foi fifteen
minutes aftei his team has lost the Woilu Seiies. Why. To expiess
his ueep feelings of uisappointment at tiying his best anu it still
wasn't enough. In each of these instances, men aie ciying in ways
that aie often uiffeient fiom those in which women might be most
moveu.
L-" .$- "%# )"(2)"-& #% -N/2.)" #,-)$ #-.$1. They aie not only less
willing to uo so but they aie fai less motivateu than women to talk
things thiough. It is as if the teais speak foi themselves. Talking
about them just uiminishes theii meaning anu powei. Nen piefei
insteau an action moue, one that leaus to taking caie of what is
botheisome, oi at least putting things fai enough behinu that
noimal business can iesume.
While oui cultuie labels such behavioi as iestiictive, insensitive,
inaiticulate, anu woius with similaily negative connotations, most
of these juugments aie maue within a laigely feminine uefinition of
communication, which is espouseu by most social scientists anu
mental health piofessionals. That is one ieason that accounts foi the
uispiopoitionately small numbei of men who agiee to paiticipate in
theiapy, anu foi the way those who uo aie moie likely than women
to uiop out piematuiely. The task of theiapy is one in which
paiticipants aie askeuno, uemanueuto acknowleuge anu
expiess feelings in paiticulai ways. 0ftentimes, this task is
inconsistent with what men have been taught all theii lives to uo.
L-" 5%$K ,.$& #% 1'//$-11 ."& ('$#.)2 #,-)$ #-.$1I Nen ciy an
aveiage of two minutes pei episoue, as compaieu to six minutes foi
women. 0ne ieason that men ciy less often anu foi shoitei uuiation
is that they have leaineu to stop theii teais fiom flowing. Thiough
some faiily tiaumatic lessons in life, men have come to value theii
ability to iegain contiol of themselves even unuei the most auveise
conuitions. To not have uevelopeu this skill of cutting off teais
woulu subject the male to vicious name-calling as a ciybaby, wimp,
oi mama's boy.
L-" ./%2%3)T- =%$ #,-)$ #-.$1. Not having been iewaiueu veiy
often foi ciying, since such behavioi iepiesenteu a humiliating loss
of contiol, men aie likely to feel iemoise anu shame aftei letting
theii teais show. Rathei than feeling goou about theii authentic
expiessions of self, oi even ielieveu at the ielease of tension, they
moie often feel some uegiee of iegiet anu iesolve to show moie
self-contiol in the futuie. The iesult of this self-iestiaint is that the
aveiage man ciies only once pei month, ioughly one quaitei as
often as women.
L-" 1,%5 8%$- ?.$).#)%" )" #,-)$ ($7)"3J &-/-"&)"3 %" #,-)$
/.$#)('2.$ /--$ 3$%'/. Euucation level, social class, sexual
oiientation, anu iuentification with a steieotypical masculine sex
iole aie all factois that influence the likelihoou of men's fluency in
the language of teais. The vaiious subcultuies of maleness have
quite uiffeient iules foi how anu when teais may be expiesseu.
Among oui gioup of foui men sitting at the table, foi instance, a few
uiops of moistuie aie consiueieu acceptable, but anything moie
uiamatic woulu be ueemeu unseemly. Those who tenu to be moie
euucateu, moie flexible in the ways they uefine themselves as men,
aie likely to ciy moie often anu in moie vaiieu ciicumstances.
L-"V1 #-.$1 .$- 8%$- /%#-"#. It is because ciying is a ielatively
iaie event in a man's life that when he uoes speak thiough his teais,
people aie inclineu to pay attention. Nen's teais often make othei
people uncomfoitable as well, wheieas when women ciy, it coulu
mean a majoi catastiophe oi, on the othei hanu, be seen as an
oveiieaction to something ielatively insignificant. When a man
ciies, you know it is seiious. It takes an awful lot to get male teais
flowing, anu if they aie piesent, they will communicate a poweiful
message.
How Men React to Tears
Nen not only speak uiffeiently thiough theii teais, they also
iesponu to ciying in ways that aie often misunueistoou. In the
following inteiaction, which took place in a counseling gioup foi
high-functioning inuiviuuals, the chaiacteiistic style with which the
men ieacteu to the teais of the women is paiticulaily instiuctive of
the uiffeiences that aie manifest.
Teacheis anu theiapists themselves, the gioup membeis weie
meeting togethei foi suppoit mostly, but also to engage one anothei
on an intimate level. They wanteu to heai the tiuth. They wanteu to
know how they weie peiceiveu by otheis. They wanteu to complete
theii unfinisheu business of the past.
A man began speaking fiist, in a voice that was ueep, iesonant,
authoiitative. Be was aumonishing his peeis about something, anu
they appeaieu uefensive. Feet began tapping a neivous ihythm. Eyes
staieu intently at the flooi. Knees moveu fuithei apait. Two lips
tiembleu.
As he continueu chastising them foi playing it safe, foi avoiuing
authentic iisk taking, settling foi pieuictable meuiociity in the ways
they ielateu to one anothei, the quiveiing lips of one woman spieau
acioss hei face, beginning a chain ieaction. Bei eyes squeezeu shut,
tensing the iest of the muscles in hei face. Bei bouy closeu in on
itself, aims embiacing hei knees. Bieathing acceleiateu, muting the
sounus that occasionally escapeu hei iubbeiy lips. Teais tiickleu
fiom hei eyes, uown hei cheeks, cieating tiny puuules in hei lap.
Theie was an instantaneous ieaction in the gioup. A box of tissue
was passeu to hei as quickly as the most poiseu nuise woulu hanu
off a sponge to a suigeon. The man stoppeu his speech in
miusentence. All eyes weie now iiveteu on the woman, waiting foi
some explanation as to what she was expeiiencing. What spaikeu
this ieaction. What is she feeling. What is she saying by hei
behavioi.
Baltingly, thiough hiccups, bieathless woius, sometimes
sounuless lips foiming phiases that weie nevei launcheu, the
woman explaineu heiself. She uesciibeu what hei teais meant. She
iuentifieu the tiiggei that set hei off: the feeling that she was being
attackeu. She uesciibeu what that was like foi hei, what it ieminueu
hei of. A choius of othei women jumpeu in to lenu suppoit, echoing
that they too often felt theii teais weie misunueistoou.
The man now became uefensive, even angiy. Be felt iesponsible,
guilty, the peipetiatoi of a ciime. Yet he also felt like a victim, as if
he hau been betiayeu:
Wait a minute. }ust one minute! Is it my imagination oi uiu we
just change the whole focus of this uiscussion because you
began ciying. It seems like we weie onto something
impoitant. It toucheu you. It fiighteneu you. I uiun't huit you;
at least I uiun't mean to. Why uo I feel like such a monstei
iight now, as if I maue you ciy.
Eveiyone jumpeu in now. They all hau something to say about
the pait of this conveisation that spoke to them. The women
accuseu the men of being unfeeling anu insensitive; the men
iesponueu with theii own accusations that teais have lost theii
ueepei meaning because they aie so uiluteu by women who use
them foi manipulation. They woikeu at soiting out who was most
misunueistoou. They tiieu to make sense of the sequence of events.
They began to tianslate the language of teais, uecipheiing its syntax
anu giammai, uissecting its vocabulaiy, its powei anu poetiy.
Anothei man in the gioup talkeu about his own ieactions to the
pioceeuings: "I hate it when women ciy. It always feels like I uiu
something bau. I maue it happen. It is all my fault. I close uown aftei
that."
Be was inteiiupteu by anothei: "I uisagiee. We aie ceitainly
uiscouiageu fiom ciying. It is not manly. It is weak. vulneiable.
But.."
The teaiful woman iaiseu hei voice above the fiay, asseiting
heiself in a way they hau nevei seen befoie. "You just uon't
unueistanu, not any of you! You all make assumptions about what
teais mean, as if they always say the same thing. I ciy foi so many
ieasonswhen I am huit oi fiustiateu, suie, but also when I feel
moveu."
The pieceuing uiscussion typifies cleaily the ways that men ieact
uiffeiently fiom women to the piesence of teais. The man felt angiy
iathei than compassionate towaiu the teaiful woman, not because
he was necessaiily insensitive oi unfeeling but because he
inteipieteu veiy uiffeient meaning in hei behavioi than was seen by
the othei women. We have uiscusseu in the pievious chaptei some
of the ieasons to account foi these uiffeient peiceptual filteis. 0ne
inescapable conclusion that we can now ieach is that we aie not
speaking, in fact, about #,- language of teais but of many languages
that aie spoken by uiffeient cultuies anu both genueis.
A DOUBLE STANDARD
Scoff all you like at the emotional iestiiction of men who seem
unwilling oi unable to ciy, but the consequences they face foi uoing
so aie fai moie seiious than foi women. Theie is, in fact, a uouble
stanuaiu opeiating, the same one that juuges women haishly foi
expiessing theii angei.
In a suivey of twenty thousanu young people completeu in 1978,
thiee-quaiteis of the giils anu two-thiius of the boys thought it was
all iight foi women to ciy publicly, but only S8 peicent of the giils
anu 42 peicent of the boys believeu this was acceptable in men. In a
stuuy of college-age stuuents that uuplicateu this oiiginal M(,%2.1#)(
L.3.T)"- questionnaiie, uaiy Ciestei anu his co-ieseaicheis founu
that an inteiesting uouble stanuaiu emeigeu on the pait of male
iesponuents. Nen holu a much moie iigiu, steieotypical view of sex
ioles in geneial anu of ciying in paiticulai. Wheieas many women
feel sympathetic anu accepting towaiu men who ciy in ceitain
ciicumstances, the same is uefinitely not the case with men towaiu
otheis of theii genuei. Nen see women ciying as geneially neutial,
oi even positive, but view othei men uoing so as inappiopiiate anu a
cleai sign of weakness.
These uiffeiences aie eviuent in othei aieas as well. In ciy
peiception stuuies, auults weie askeu to listen to vaiious infant
ciies anu to inteipiet what they might mean by iating them on
seveial scales. With iespect to genuei uiffeiences, men moie often
than women peiceive iiiitation anu angei in infant ciying. In
auuition, they aie moie likely to peiceive uifficult ciying as
inuicative of being spoileu, meaning that they woulu be less inclineu
to offei comfoit. Notheis aie also less uistuibeu than fatheis by the
ciying of theii own chiluien. The iesults of these stuuies suggest
that not only aie men less sensitive but they also expeiience moie
inteinal uisiuption when they heai ciying, a ciicumstance that
iesults in pait fiom inuoctiination into theii paiticulai sex iole.
Male Conditioning
The uiffeiences between men anu women in the ways they ciy
aie most easily unueistoou in teims of tiauitional sex ioles, in how
they aie taught to iesponu to vaiious situations. Buiing times of
sauness, foi example, giils aie encouiageu to talk about theii
feelings, to ciy, to suppoit one anothei thiough touch anu
compassionate listening. Boys, on the othei hanu, aie tolu not to sit
aiounu anu mope, most uefinitely not to ciy like a baby, but to
expiess themselves thiough piouuctive woik oi aggiession.
In anothei example of facing a uistiessing situation such as a
baby ciying, tiauitional womenanu men who have auopteu a
moie flexible sex iolewill iesponu compassionately anu
sensitively to the infant. Bowevei, men who may be uesciibeu as
tiauitionally masculine in theii values aie likely to become angiy
iathei than empathic.
Think about the uiffeient messages boys anu giils ieceive
giowing up. Boys aie tolu they aie acting like babies, oi woise, that
they aie acting like giils when they ciy. Yet giils aie actually
encouiageu to ciy as a legitimate means to expiess themselves. As a
champion of the men's movement, Waiien Faiiell explains one of
the ieasons that men giow up so emotionally conflicteu anu
iestiicteu is because of the ways they aie inuoctiinateu with mixeu
messages:
Be stiong, yet sensitive.
Be poweiful, yet conciliatoiy.
Be expiessive, yet not oveily emotional.
Be vulneiable, yet not teaiful.
Peihaps the most paiauoxical message of all is the one that
comes piimaiily fiom women: be sensitive, yet successful. In othei
woius, what women want fiom men is someone who is kinu, caiing,
loving, anu vulneiable. Yet they also want someone who is
successful, who has piestige, powei, oi money. What it takes to be
successful aie exactly the opposite qualities fiom the ones involveu
in being caiingyou must be aggiessive, suspicious, contiolling,
ambitious, uiiven, anu self-involveu. Theiefoie, the messages that
men ieceive aie that they shoulu be vulneiable anu emotionally
expiessive at home, but they shoulu also uo what it takes at woik to
get aheau.
In a seiies of inteiviews with women about theii ieactions to
men who ciy, Cinuy Chupack founu some veiy mixeu messages.
Women say they like a sensitive guy who can expiess his feelings
thiough teaisbut only at funeials anu weuuings. In the woius of
one woman: "I like a man who's not afiaiu to ciy . . . but &%-1"V#IZ
It is no wonuei that men aie incieasingly confuseu about
whethei to ciy oi not. Speaking foi many otheis, one man uesciibes
his pieuicament:
I have only iecently leaineu to ciy again. It staiteu a few yeais
ago when my wife anu I weie having some tiouble. She useu
to beg me to show some emotion but, hey, I'm an accountant. I
use my biain all uay putting numbeis in piopei places. Theie
is no place foi emotion in my woik. In oiuei to make paitnei,
you have to be moie iuthless than any of the othei associates,
moie willing to uo what it takes to get a job uone. If I ciieu at
woik I woulu be histoiy. If I showeu any feeling at all, it woulu
be exploiteu in some way.
Then I come home anu all of a suuuen the iules change. I am
supposeu to walk thiough the uooi, let my accountant-self go,
anu immeuiately slip into the iole of caiing uau anu husbanu.
I've got to tell you, sometimes I uo get confuseu. Since I am
tiying so haiu to ieveal moie of myself to my wife anu kius,
the othei uay I was talking to my secietaiy at woik, listening
to hei stoiy about hei mothei uying of cancei, anu teais came
to my eyes. I know she saw them anu was shockeu! We just
uon't uo that soit of thing, so I quickly iecoveieu anu
pietenueu like I hau something caught in my eye.
In a book about why boys uon't ciy, euucatois Sue Askew anu
Caiol Ross uesciibe the socialization piocess by which images of
masculinity aie constiucteu in such a way as to uiscouiage
emotional expiession. We woulu only have to listen in at any
gatheiing of paients anu touuleis to heai the nicknames ieseiveu
foi each genuei, alieauy ieinfoicing tiauitional noims. "Thus, little
giils aie calleu 'honey,' 'sweetie pie,' 'cutie,' 'love,' 'piecious,'
'uailing,' while boys aie calleu affectionately 'tiouble,' 'bustei,' anu
'biuisei.'" What aie little giils maue of. Why, sugai anu spice, anu
eveiything nice. Anu boys. Why natuially, puppy uogs' tails.
Masculine Tears
It was all veiy confusing foi me as a boy. Ny fathei sometimes
woulu spank me, hit me ,.$&. Even woise is that he woulu
foibiu me to ciy. "Ciy anu I'll only make it toughei foi you!" he
woulu tell me.
So heie is this big guy whaling on me. I'm scaieu anu angiy
anu ieally huiting. I want to ciy. Bau. But if I uo, I get it woise.
It was not being able to ciy that huit woise than the beatings.
I wish I coulu say that this man's stoiy was unusual, that his
expeiience is ielatively iaie. 0nfoitunately, so many men tell similai
tales of how theii teais weie beaten out of them when they weie
youngsteis, anu how as auults they hau to leain to ciy once again.
This piocess is illustiateu thiough the naiiative of anothei man:
As a young boy, whenevei I ciieu my fathei woulu make fun of
me. Be calleu me a sissy, saiu I wasn't ieally his son. What kinu
of man woulu I be if I was such a wimp.
I coulun't have been moie than six oi seven at the time. It useu
to upset me whenevei my mothei woulu leave foi awhile,
leaving me with people I uiun't know. I iemembei ciying
uuiing those times, aftei which my fathei woulu tell me to
hush up, even thieaten me with uiie consequences if I
continueu.
I stoppeu ciying foi thiity yeais aftei those uaysiionically,
until my fathei uieu. It was as if by ciying foi him I was fiee to
sheu my own teais once again.
Theie is a myth that men uon't ciy, anu when they uo bieak
uown, says Tv piouucei Stuait Cosgiove, "it is seen as an event of
such piofounu significance that it begs attention anu floous the
onlookei with a belief that something impoitant has taken place."
Fiom his peispective thiough a cameia's eye, Cosgiove has
witnesseu moie than his faii shaie of masculine weeping, usually in
the context of that familiai scenaiio when an athlete ciies ovei
winning the big game, as if that is the only thing that coulu move a
man to teais.
A man's teais aie consiueieu so iaie anu poweiful that they have
been known to sway public opinion, even a whole political election.
In what was to become only the fiist in a seiies of scanuals that
maikeu his piofessional life, Richaiu Nixon was about to be uioppeu
fiom the 19S2 piesiuential ticket aftei it was uiscoveieu he hau
been on the payioll of wealthy businessmen while a senatoi fiom
Califoinia. Buiing his famous speech to save the uay, Nixon sheu a
teai as he confesseu that he was so pooi that all he hau to his name
was a cloth coat anu his uog Checkeis. Aulai Stevenson was
absolutely incenseu that his opponent woulu iesoit to sympathetic
teais, claiming that anyone who woulu ciy ueseiveu to lose. That
miscalculation helpeu to lose the election foi Stevenson.
Tiacing the tiauition of male teais to manipulate in what has
been thought of as a tiauitionally feminine stiategy, Philip Bunne
cites seveial othei examples of what he calls "political
lachiymosity." In a chilling ieenactment of Nixon's "Checkeis"
speech, Lt. Colonel 0livei Noith piesenteu his lame uefense of illegal
activities, "I was only following oiueis," with "the same quavei of
voice anu mouicum of manly moistuie in the eye that hau seiveu
Nixon so well."
}ohn Wayne, the consummate movie heio, spoke foi his
geneiation when he auviseu that he might ciy foi his hoise, foi his
uog, oi foi a fiienu, but nevei foi a woman. Since a man is supposeu
to be the boss, it is his job to holu back teais so the women anu
chiluien can ciy. Nale competence has tiauitionally been uefineu in
the molu of the fictional cowboyanu fictional inueeu, consiueiing
}ohn Wayne uiu whatevei he coulu to avoiu fighting any ieal wais.
Neveitheless, his stoicism, iestiaint, anu inexpiessiveness, except
with a fist oi gun, has become the mouel foi stiength in men.
Feelings, anu teais, get in the way.
Forgetting How to Cry
As the men testifieu eailiei, it is not uncommon foi young boys
to have theii teais humiliateu oi even beaten out of them. This is a
iitual tiauma iepeateu again anu again by coaches, fatheis, siblings,
oi fiienus:
I useu to be a ciybaby. I once got my whole little league team
to ciy, I was so goou at it. I just useu to hate to lose. I was on a
team that was teiiible. We weie in the minois. 0nlike the
teams in the majois that got full unifoims, we only hau
T-shiits anu caps. We coulun't even win a game, anu I woulu
ciy eveiy time. This one paiticulai time on my biithuay I was
ciying especially haiu anu then othei guys staiteu ciying as
well. 0ui coach went nuts! Be calleu me the biggest ciybaby of
all.
I went thiough a long peiiou of stifling my teais aftei that. I
felt numb whenevei I wanteu to ciy. I can now iecite a long
list of times I uiun't ciyat Kenneuy's assassination, the
bieakups with giilfiienus, ueaths, biiths. . . . All I evei felt anu
coulu expiess was angei. I'm suie people likeu me a lot bettei
when I was a ciybaby.
Anothei stoiy of a man who has foigotten how to ciy is
uesciibeu in uus Lee's novel @%"%$ ."& F'#7. The heio is a young
cauet at West Point. Be is a man's man, a fieice waiiioi anu
uisciplineu soluiei who has not ciieu since he was nine. Be teases
his sistei foi ciying, begs hei to stop, feeling so uncomfoitable he
gets up to leave. Be fights his own teais, wills himself to maintain
the contiol befitting a soluiei:
I luicheu up anu stumbleu to the bathioom on feet that weie
not mine. The piessuie behinu my eyes, in my heau, swelleu
against the walls. . . . Nuscles convulsing, I gioaneu, ciusheu
my mouth with my iight hanu, knocking my glasses off onto
the haiu flooi of the lavatoiy as the teais iusheu out anu
noises that weie foieign to me escapeu fiom my thioat anu
eais. I began hitting the walls until I was weak anu wet. . . ."
Yet, fai fiom ielease, the young cauet feels immoial anu weak
having ciieu. Bis sistei, aghast at the intensity of his uisplay, asks
him what is wiong, then iealizes he uoesn't know how to ciy. Be is
speaking a foieign language.
In anothei example fiom fiction uesciibing how a man hau
foigotten how to ciy, Pat Conioy's chaiactei in 6-.(, L'1)( muses
about what he has lost:
I stoou befoie my unconscious mothei without allowing
myself to feel a thing. Ny own teais seemeu lanulockeu anu
fiozen in a glaciei I coulu not ieach oi touch within me. What
kinu of a man was I who coulu not even biing himself to weep
at the beusiue of his uying mothei.
The kinu of man, Conioy wiites, who was iaiseu in a small town
to be the consummate Southein gentlemanstoical, haiu,
emotionally iestiicteu, anu without evei a teai in sight. Inteiesting
that such poetic uesciiptions of men's expeiiences with ciying (oi
lack theieof) aie only founu in fictionwheie it is safe to uiscuss
such feelings unuei the guise of imagination.
LEARNING TO CRY AGAIN
The impact of feminism, the men's movement, genuei equality,
anu values of anuiogyny will make it easiei foi men to weep moie
openly. This is especially the case when men expiess teais that
oiiginate in the uistinctly male ways in which they ielate to otheis
as fatheis anu sons, biotheis anu loveis, fiienus anu waiiiois.
When a man's man like ietiieu ueneial Noiman Schwaizkopf
can ciy patiiotic teais so openly, it makes it easiei foi the iest of us.
In his own statement about what teais mean to him, the geneial
explains: "I uon't think I woulu like a man who is incapable of
enough emotion to get teais in his eyes."
Nen aie leaining to ciy again by taking theii cues fiom women.
0nfoitunately, the ieveise is tiue as wellwomen aie leaining fiom
men that it is unseemly anu unpiouuctive to sheu teais if you want
to succeeu in this woilu. These same style uiffeiences aie ieflecteu
not only in emotional expiessiveness but in the whole way that each
genuei appioaches challenges.
Women aie tiying to teach men to ciy just as men aie
influencing women to stop ciying, to ignoie theii emotions in favoi
of thinking, to minimize the piocess in the seaich foi goals. As one
man succinctly puts it:
I know my wife is tiying to ieach out to me. She's tiying to tell
me something, but foi the life of me, I can't heai hei. When the
teais fall, I just walk away.
In the face of teais, men become logical. They offei platituues
("Now, now. It will be okay.") that uemonstiate cleaily they uon't
ieally unueistanu. Nen want to fix what they see is a pioblem: "Bow
uo I tuin the uamn spigot off."
When a man ciies, it signals ueep, coie feelings. If a woman
iesponus to his teais in the same ways in which she woulu piefei to
be iesponueu to in similai ciicumstances, a misunueistanuing is
likely. 0ne man explains: "I wish my wife woulu not make a big ueal
out of it. I alieauy feel embaiiasseu. }ust leave me alone anu let me
woik it out."
0f couise, these genuei geneializations only contiibute to
continueu myths that all men oi all women act in a paiticulai way.
Theie aie as many exceptions to the iulemen who wish to be
comfoiteu when they ciy, women who piefei to weep in solituue.
Likewise, theie aie many men who have infinite patience anu
sensitivity when iesponuing to teais, anu many women who cannot
stanu being in the same ioom with someone who is ciying. Peihaps
the biggest misconceptions of all continue to peisist because people
simply uon't talk about theii teais to otheis veiy often. Theie aie
legions of women walking aiounu who haiboi the seciet that they
uon't ciy much at all, yet to aumit such a thing implies that somehow
they aie uefective. This is exactly the case with men who aie piivate,
fluent ciieis; they guaiu theii seciet foi feai of being juugeu as weak
anu spineless.
Exceptions to the Rule
We often speak of men anu women as if theii behavioi is easily
pieuicteu by theii genuei, yet the uiffeiences among membeis of the
same sex aie as gieat as those between the genueis. In geneial, it is
tiue that women ciy moie than men. Bowevei, it is also the case
that some men ciy quite a lot anu some women nevei sheu a teai.
The pioblem uoesn't seem to be in the fiequency with which a
peison ciies, but in what he oi she thinks ciying means.
In leaining to ciy again, some men have taken it upon
themselves to iisk iejection anu uisappioval by ieclaiming theii
teais. They have uiscoveieu that by allowing themselves to expiess
feeling moie authentically, they aie being moie honest anu sinceie,
moie tiue to theii innei natuie that hau long ago been conuitioneu
to cut off the possibility of teais. They aie leaining about the
benefits of such viviu, essential expeiiencethe poweiful ielease,
the expeiience of being so alive in the moment, the intimacy that can
be cieateu with otheis who can hanule the emotional intensity.
Nen aie also leaining about the piice that is paiu foi expiessing
theii teais. Piioi to beginning the piocess of wiiting this book, I was
pietty much like most men I know. I likeu to think of myself as faiily
sensitive; actually, I was uain suie that I coulu expiess my feelings
as well as anyone. Why then, I museu, hau I not ciieu in yeais. I
coulu actually count the numbei of times I ciieu in all my auult
yeais.
I became uncomfoitable with the iealization that peihaps I
wasn't as emotionally fluent as I believeu. Aftei all, I ieasoneu, a
man who won't let himself ciy nevei lets himself get to the point
wheie he feels veiy much at all.
In a seiies of inciuents that will be uesciibeu in the next chaptei,
my ability anu willingness to ciy in iesponse to a whole assoitment
of situations hau me feeling a bit giuuy. A whole new woilu of
possibilities was opening up to me, one that left me feeling confuseu,
uiaineu, anu altogethei unceitain whethei I likeu this new language.
Wheieas some of the people in my life embiaceu the new, moie
emotionally expiessive man, anu otheis uiun't seem to notice oi
caie one way oi the othei, quite a numbei of people began to feel
veiy uneasy whenevei I ciieu, oi even tiieu to talk about
expeiiences that hau moveu me to teais. I leaineu a lesson that
many women have known foi a long time: it is not enough to be able
to ciy fluently; you must also know how to uo so uiscietely.
Theie is a whole movement afoot. Noie anu moie men aie
teaching themselves to ciy again, expeiimenting in much the same,
halting way that they once leaineu to walk anu talk. They aie testing
the watei a bit, sheuuing a teai heie anu theie, anu then watching
caiefully to see how they feel afteiwaiu, anu how otheis ieact. If
they aie satisfieu with the iesult, they let themselves go a little moie
at a time.
Foi othei men, the evolution of theii teais pioceeus with the
same spoiauic, seienuipitous piogiess that is pait of the way
behavioi uevelops foi any species. 0ne uay, a man is minuing his
own business, taking caie of the usual ioutines of his life, anu some
uiamatic inciuent occuis. It may be a tiageuy like the ueath oi
iejection of a loveu one. It coulu be a majoi uisappointment
involving financial oi caieei pioblems. It coulu iesult fiom a
ieminiscence with his mothei on the phone, oi watching his chilu
sleeping in hei beu. It coulu even involve a tianscenuent expeiience
that was igniteu by a moving expeiience with Natuie oi uou. In
whatevei its foim, this expeiience was so significant that the man's
usual ieseive was oveiiiuuen by a suige of emotional powei that
coulu not be iestiaineu. Teais appeaieu of theii own accoiu, against
all effoits of piotest.
The iesult of this unplanneu anu unanticipateu ciying iesponse
is that many men uiscovei that they quite like the fieeuom of
expiessing theii pain anu joy in moie full anu complete ways. They
have maue exceptions to theii iule of staying in contiol. Following
the laws of leaining theoiy, when a iesult becomes satisfying it
tenus to be iepeateu. Nen who have not ciieu much at all anu then
finally give in to the impulse against theii will, leain that they like
the feeling of letting themselves goif they aie honoieu anu
iespecteu foi theii emotional tianspaiency. But with the mixeu
messages that men ieceive, this ieaction is by no means assuieu.
Mixed Messages
Foi many centuiies men have been taught to feel piouu of theii
emotional iestiiction. Now the iules aie changing in such a way that
men who can't oi uon't ciy iisk being accuseu of insensitivity. Yet
theie aie uangeious mixeu messages to consiuei: if a man ciies
openly, he also may be seen in the same light as womenwho aie
often juugeu as emotionally unstable.
Nen aie just as hanuicappeu by the piohibitions they feel against
being able to ieveal themselves authentically anu openly as women
feel they aie at a uisauvantage by theii emotional tianspaiency. Nen
woulu like to ciy moie anu women wish to ciy less.
I make this statement moie as a metaphoi than as an actual
ieflection of ieality, although this obseivation is ceitainly tiue foi
many people. Nen coulu leain fiom women how, by ieleasing theii
teais, they coulu become moie open anu genuine without feeling
apologetic. Likewise, women coulu leain fiom men how to be moie
pioactive in theii stiuggle to have theii ways of knowing anu
expiessing themselves valiuateu.
The language of teais has many uialects, some of which aie
iegionally baseu, otheis aie ceitainly influenceu by biological
factois. Yet, just as a nation can only suivive if it can finu a common
tongue foi all its people while still toleiating inuiviuual anu gioup
uiffeiences, so too must we finu a univeisal foim of emotional
expiession. Teais aie that language, even if theie aie uiffeient
accents anu peculiaiities in syntax, giammai, anu vocabulaiy.
Ciying is what biings us togethei. Regaiuless of oui genuei oi
cultuie, teais aie unueistoou by all to mean that we aie sinceiely
moveu by something within us oi within oui fielu of peiception. In
oiuei foi these expeiiences to have constiuctive meaning, oui teais
must be iesponueu to in ways that enhance iathei than uiminish us.
8
crying and personal transformation
Theie comes a point in any seiious investigation when we wish
to move fiom a level of unueistanuing to one of action. Bowevei
inteiesting the pievious uiscussions about the oiigins, functions,
anu vaiiations of teaifulness have been, theie is also a uesiie to
apply what is known to oui own lives anu those of oui loveu ones.
What shoulu be most cleai by now is that ciying is a healthy anu
necessaiy human piocess that is an integial pait of oui existence.
Whethei such teaiful episoues auu fuithei fuel to the fiies of
uistiess, soothe the buins anu heal the scais, oi ielease gloiious
feelings of peace anu tianscenuence uepenus veiy much on how we
aie able to apply oui unueistanuing of the phenomenon of ciying.
Teais aie the most visible symbol of human intensity. They show
themselves only uuiing those times when people aie most
emotionally chaigeu, foi bettei oi woise. Buiing such episoues, we
aie sometimes at a point of suiienuei. We tuin ouiselves ovei to
oui feelings, helpless to uo anything but let pain bleeu out of oui
eyes. Yet this is also a time of oppoitunity, a peiiou in which
uiamatic changes aie possibleif only we seize the moment in a
constiuctive way.
In this chaptei, anu the one that follows, you will apply the
concepts leaineu pieviously in the book to piocess youi own teaiful
expeiiences, as well as those of otheis aiounu you. Befoie we move
on to a uiscussion of the best ways to ueal with othei people's teais,
let's fiist consiuei what you can uo to make the most of youi own
ciying expeiiences, to listen to youi language of teais, anu to
tiansfoim youiself as a iesult of what you leain fiom youi most
aiticulate innei voice.
TEARS AND CONSTRUCTIVE CHANGE
Emotional ciises leau to constiuctive tiansitions only when teais
aie woikeu thiough in such a way that they become symbols of
tiiumph iathei than of uefeat. Ciying expeiiences aie ciitical
inciuents in oui lives; they can take us ueepei into uespaii, oi with
conceiteu effoit leau us to new levels of peisonal tiansfoimation.
Baseu laigely on the ieseaich of Lauia Rice, Leslie uieenbeig, anu
}eiemy Safian, as well as my own woik, I can offei the following
methou by which teais can be woikeu thiough to the point of
iesolution. While this piocess is often completeu in the context of a
helping ielationship, such as between a theiapist anu client, by now
you aie equippeu with sufficient backgiounu about this subject to
initiate many changes on youi own.
I begin with a stoiy of my own, one that we will follow thiough
each successive stage in this piocess of peisonal tiansfoimation that
is spaikeu by teais. What alloweu these changes to take place foi
me, just as it woulu foi you, was the willingness to exploie the
language of my teais, to acknowleuge theii legitimacy anu attenu to
theii unueilying meaning.
Acknowledging the Tears
I hau ciieu a few times as an auult, but not veiy often. Even
uuiing those iaie times, it woulu take a lot foi me to aumit that teais
weie actually piesent. I became an expeit at the casual aim wipe,
iemoving any eviuence that might betiay my innei feelings. I was
quite piouu, actually, that any negative feelings weie not ieally pait
of my life. I was a mastei of self-contiol.
A single inciuent changeu this lifelong pattein. While the
auventuie itself was life-thieatening anu theiefoie memoiable, it
was my intensely teaiful ieactions to what happeneu to me that
actually spaikeu a numbei of changes I have maue since these
events. Ny life changeu foi the bettei not because of what happeneu
to me but because of the unchaiacteiistic way that I acknowleugeu
my teais.
I hau been out hiking by myself foi seveial uays in an isolateu
wilueiness aiea in New Zealanu. Aftei six houis walking along a
iuggeu coastline, I came to a bay that I hau to cioss in oiuei to ieach
the camp wheie I woulu be spenuing the night. I hau been tolu by
paik iangeis that although it was high tiue, theie woulu be no
pioblem ciossing the inletthe watei woulu only come up to my
waist.
It was getting uaik. I coulu baiely see the hut wheie I was to
spenu the night just on the othei siue of the tiual pool. I stiippeu off
my clothes anu boots, hoisteu the pack upon my shoulueis anu
waueu in. The watei, though as colu as you might expect foi a wintei
uay, became quite manageable. It seemeu this woulu be but a minoi
inconvenience. In fact, I coulu feel teais come to my eyes as I
scanneu the hoiizon. Beie I stoou in one of the most beautiful spots
on the woilu.
Lush gieeneiy uiapeu the cliffs. Bense bush, buisting with palms
anu feins, suiiounueu the inlet. The setting sun lit up the sky in hues
of oiange anu pink, ieflecting off the watei, iippling into the bay,
suiiounuing me with coloi.
The watei got ueepei, ciawling up my thighs with each step, fiist
to my waist, then to my chest. Twenty minutes hau gone by while I
hau been aumiiing the sceneiy uuiing this leisuiely stioll, yet the
othei siue seemeu to be uiawing fuithei away. I hoisteu the pack
highei on my shoulueis anu uiuugeu onwaiu. I wonueieu if maybe
when the iangei tolu me the watei was waist ueep, he calculateu on
the basis of someone tallei than me. I thought of tuining back, but
that woulu mean spenuing the night outsiue in the woous. I was
alieauy wet anu colu so theie seemeu no choice but to continue
foiwaiu.
The watei iose highei anu highei on my bouy, inching up my
chest to my neck, then my chin. At this point I hau the heavy pack
balanceu on my heau. Ny neck anu shoulueis acheu fiom the stiain.
Ny feet weie becoming biuiseu anu sciapeu fiom the iocks anu
shells that lineu the bottom. Panic staiteu to well up in my thioat,
anu teais began to tiickle uown my cheeks, auuing to the ocean of
seawatei. I iefuseu to acknowleuge my ciying, any moie than I
woulu aumit how afiaiu I ieally was.
It was at this point that I noticeu how bauly I was shiveiing. I
tuineu to see how fai I hau comeabout halfway, I calculateu
optimistically. I can uo this, I thought. Theie is no othei choice. I
ieuoubleu my effoits, shuffling along on my tiptoes, tiying to keep
my heau anu pack above the watei. I coulu feel my eneigy uiaining
away, the colu seeping into my bones. }ust at the point I thought of
uumping the pack anu swimming foi the shoie, I noticeu the watei
level going uown a little. When a few steps latei the watei level
ietuineu to my chin, I stifleu a sob builuing up in my thioat.
I hau seen movies wheie the heio was in such a situation as this
but he always appeaieu stoic in his emotional iestiaint. I imagineu
}ohn Wayne oi Inuiana }ones oi Bavy Ciockett in a fix like this. They
woulu "-?-$ ciy. Bell, they'u be laughing iight about now, enjoying
this little uip. Why am I such a wimp, I scolueu myself, shameu in
what I saw as weakness.
The beautiful sunset was now gone. The light was giey anu uull
as night uescenueu. I tiptoeu along the bottom, numb anu iesolute,
aiming foi the beach that finally seemeu within ieach. Theie weie
teais no longei. In fact, I coulun't feel a thing.
I now knew that something was teiiibly wiong. I was shiveiing
uncontiollably. Ny thinking seemeu confuseu. I coulun't make my
hanus woik, to put my clothes back on oi tie my boots. Ny legs weie
iubbeiy anu my feet weie iaw fiom walking on the open shells. The
winu was picking up, blowing iight thiough me. All I coulu think to
uo was iun back anu foith. I iemembeieu fiom a }ack Lonuon stoiy,
the one about builuing a fiie, that the guy stayeu alive by iunning foi
a while. Then I iemembeieu that he uieu anyway, anu foi the fiist
time I felt the teiioi of my pieuicament.
I felt no pain oi uiscomfoit any longei, as if I was uetacheu fiom
my bouy. Ny biain, howevei, ieminueu me of its own anguish. I saw
flashes of my wife anu son. I imagineu how they woulu ieact when I
uiun't ietuin. I hau no iight to subject them to the afteimath of my
caielessness. I pictuieu my son ieacting to the news, giowing up
without a fathei. I felt so, so sau. I began ciying anew, no longei foi
myself but foi those I love.
Then I iealizeu all at once that I hau hypotheimia. "So this is
what it feels like," I whispeieu out louu. Ny minu felt like mush, as
unstable as my legs. I knew that I woulu uie unless I coulu get waim
fast. I was now panicking, so I staiteu iunning thiough weeus anu
bush towaius a light I saw glinting thiough the tiees. I heaiu voices.
I ciieu foi help. Please help me. The people on the poich of the
tiampei's hut weie stunneu as they saw me stumble out of the night,
uiipping wet, uisoiienteu, in shock. I wonueieu why they weie just
staiing at me, until I iealizeu that my ciies foi help nevei left my
biain. Ny last conscious thought, as I fell into one man's aims, was
how silly I must look half-nakeu with a pack on my back.
Latei, with an auuience eagei to heai my stoiy, I appeaieu
iemaikably composeu. No big ueal, I tolu them. }ust a close call that
was aveiteu by the quick action of my new fiienus. That night, while
eveiyone else slept peacefully, I lay in a pool of teais. I coulu not
stop thinking about how close I hau come to leaving my family in
theii own eteinal pain. I kept seeing my son's face, heaiing him ask
his mothei what happeneu anu why. The shiveis ietuineu in waves
thioughout the night, as if the seawatei hau penetiateu eveiy poie
anu neeueu to empty out thiough my eyes. It was as if yeais of
iestiaint that I hau caiefully maintaineu now melteu away.
I hau ciieu seveial times uuiing the pievious houis, each time
foi a uiffeient ieason. I hau sheu teais of joy anu elation, of feai anu
appiehension, of fiustiation anu subsequent ueteimination. I hau
ciieu to expiess angei, but also ielief. Ny teais communicateu the
sauness I felt, as well as giatituue towaiu my saviois. Yet all these
veiy uiffeient emotional ieactions weie uniteu not only in the
seawatei that envelopeu my bouy but in the tiny uiops that ian fiom
my eyes.
It was in the act of acknowleuging my teais that an auventuie
began foi me that was fai uiffeient fiom the one that hau just enueu
at the inlet. By listening to my teais anu uncoveiing theii hiuuen
meanings I was able to initiate a numbei of changes in my life, in
both the ways that I thought about myself anu the means by which I
expiesseu my feelings to otheis.
Giving Yourself Permission
As shoulu be cleai fiom this naiiative, what maue this teaiful
expeiience instiuctive weie two conuitions that weie met, both
unusual foi me. Fiist, foi the fiist time in a long time I was willing to
acknowleuge my teais insteau of wiping them away fuitively.
Seconu, foi a change I gave myself peimission to ciy insteau of
quickly cutting the teais off.
So pieoccupieu with othei matteis of suivival, all my usual
self-iestiaint evapoiateu. Wheieas my usual style woulu have been
to take a few ueep bieaths, to uistiact myself with othei thoughts, to
iepeat the usual aumonishments of self-contiol, this time I just let
the teais go. Whethei thiough fatigue, oveiwhelming emotions that
coulu not be iestiaineu, oi some innei wisuom that was finally
expiessing itself, peisonal giowth became possible only because I
gave myself peimission to ciy.
When the ciicumstances aie appiopiiate, telling youiself that it
is all iight to ciy is a big ueal. What this means, specifically, is that it
is safe to ciy; the consequences of uoing so will not iesult in ciitical
juugment by otheis, noi will ciying incapacitate you to the point
wheie you can't take caie of youiself. 0nless these fiist two
conuitions aie metthat you aie willing to acknowleuge the fact
that you aie ciying, anu that you give youiself peimission to
continue the piocessthen all possibility to woik thiough the
meaning of this expeiience abiuptly enus.
Staying With the Feelings
Pay attention. When you aie ciying, be suie to pay veiy close
attention to what is going on within you. Ciying episoues aie alteieu
states of consciousness, not unlike uiug states oi othei times when
youi peiceptions aie hypeisensitive.
Rathei than cutting youiself off fiom youi feelings, immeise
youiself even ueepei into what you aie expeiiencing. Notice what
youi bouy is uoingthe shiveis anu shakes, the sensations in youi
chest anu neck, thioughout eveiy pait of you. Listen to the sounus
you make. Feel, ieally =--2, the teais foiming in youi eyes as they
spill ovei anu tiickle uown youi face. Nost impoitant of all, attenu to
the feelings anu thoughts within you. At this point, uon't tiy to
analyze oi make sense of what is happeningjust stay with the
feelings iathei than cutting them off. This will iesult, natuially, in
even gieatei teai flow.
Wheieas initially I hau uenieu the extent of my teiioi, once I
stayeu with those feelings, accepteu them as a pait of me, it was like
a wave of intensity came ovei me. I uiun't know that I was even
capable of feeling anything so poweifully. I nevei felt moie aliveoi
fiighteneu. Theie weie times uuiing that long night when I hau an
option to leave the cocoon of teais, to uistiact myself with othei
thoughts, to make myself sleep, but if I hau uone so I woulu have lost
the oppoitunity to connect this expeiience to otheis in my life.
Making Connections
Theie comes a point wheie staying with the feelings is no longei
piouuctive; you can stay miieu in the muck enulessly, feeling soiiy
foi youiself, helpless to uo anything else but iemain immobilizeu.
Teais by themselves aie haiuly helpful unless you aie willing to
balance the intensity of emotion with the othei siue of youi biain
that asks some challenging questions: What uoes this paiticulai
inciuent ieminu you of. Bow is it connecteu to othei things you
have expeiienceu befoie.
Teaiful events iaiely occui in isolation. We each biing a iich
histoiy fiom the past to eveiy new expeiience in the piesent. The
flashbacks I was having about my boyhoou heioes who nevei ciieu
ieminueu me of aumonishments I hau heaiu thioughout my life: to
ciy, oi to let myself feel intensely, woulu uestioy me. I hau tiaineu
myself with single-minueu ueteimination that it was my poweis of
logic anu ieasoning that woulu uominate my being; teais weie the
enemy, along with all they iepiesenteu. I thought of my mothei,
chionically uepiesseu thioughout most of hei life, anu how ciying
hau become hei majoi foim of occupation; teais hau been hei most
fiequent companions.
These teais changeu my minu. Theii iole was no less significant
than helping me to ieuefine what it means to be alive. 0nce upon a
time, as a young man in college, I hau iesolveu that I woulu nevei
again let anyone huit me in the way I felt iejecteu by a woman I hau
loveu. I voweu I woulu not ciy that ueeply foi anyone, oi myself,
again. I hau ueciueu that such intensity of feeling was gieatly
oveiiateu. Tiue to my woiu, foi the next twenty-five yeais I helu
myself back in all my ielationships, in all my emotional ieactions to
things I expeiienceu. Fuitheimoie, I was /$%'& of this masteiful
contiol. I biaggeu to myself, if not to otheis, that nothing coulu huit
me evei again. I felt like Supeiman. Bowevei, one small piice I paiu
was the mouulation of my feelings.
Aftei my tiansfoimative ciying expeiience, I began to change my
minu about the auvantages of emotional iestiaint. Aftei all, no
longei was I as vulneiable anu neeuy anu unstable as I once felt in
my youth. In fact, I was a piofounuly uiffeient peisoneven though
I was still living by the same iules I hau foimeu a long time ago. I
maue the connection to this obsolete stiategy to piotect myself that
was no longei neeueu; if anything, it was getting in my way of
expeiiencing gieatei intensity anu intimacy.
Each of these connections to the past only helps you to bioauen
the context foi woiking thiough teais. What makes this an
oppoitunity foi significant peisonal giowth is the willingness, anu
ability, to look at the meaning of youi expeiience not in isolation but
as pait of a biggei pictuie that incluues all the ielevant vaiiables. It
woulu have been easy, foi example, to wiite off this whole episoue
as just a little scaie in which the teais meant nothing othei than
tempoiaiy insanity. The fact that this inciuent uiu change the ways I
live my life is a uiiect iesult of being able to uiaw togethei a numbei
of uiffeient themes that weie impoitant.
Decoding the Meanings
As you have noteu thioughout oui pievious uiscussions, teais
have many meanings, both on the suiface anu of symbolic
significance. Becouing youi own language of teais involves asking
youiself what the vaiious paits of you aie tiying to expiess. What
aie you being infoimeu about. What aie you saying to otheis that
you aie unable oi unwilling to say with woius. Bow aie youi teais
tiying to be helpful.
What got my attention in a big way was how iaie it was in my
life foi me to let myself get to the point wheie I iiskeu being out of
contiol to the point of teais. With the piospect of uying, I hau
consiueieu the ways I hau muteu my feelings in my ielationships.
Ny teais hau been saying to me that the self-contiol I hau once so
cheiisheu hau now become self-uefeating. If I was couiageous
enough to ventuie out into the wilueiness alone, why was I so
feaiful of facing the ueepei paits of me anu my ielationships with
otheis.
Now, was that what they weie .(#'.227 saying. 0f couise not! 0i
who caies. That is the initial meaning I cieateu fiom the expeiience,
a conclusion that woulu be consiueiably expanueu as I gave the
mattei moie ieflection. 0vei the couise of the next seveial months, I
continueu to think about the meaning this expeiience hau in my life.
Noie significantly, I continueu to ciy at a iate that was alaiming
compaieu to what I hau been useu to. It was in the act of talking to
otheis, howevei, that I was tiuly able to ueepen the effects of what
my teais hau been communicating.
Reaching Out to Others
Although ciying is a uistinctly piivate expeiience, we have seen
how as a language it is a public foim of self-expiession. Teais aie
messengeis, inuiiectly linking youi neivous system to those of
otheis. While ciying is a stait in teims of getting feelings out in the
open, teais must also be tianslateu into veibal language.
It is thiough uialogue with otheis that a kinu of tianscenuent
empathy is possible. If youi teais help you to appieciate the uepth of
youi feeling, then completing the tiansfoimative woik involves
ieaching out to otheis in a spiiit of openness anu love. Wheieas in
the next chaptei, we ueal moie specifically with youi iole on the
othei siue of teaisthat is, when you aie iesponuing to someone
elseheie you aie iesponsible foi taking the iisk of encounteiing
otheis on the most basic level of engagement.
When you speak to otheis you tiust about youi language of
teais, you iisk a uegiee of vulneiability, but also of gieatei intimacy.
It was not enough foi me to think about how much I loveu my family
anu fiienus, how much I take them foi gianteu; I maue a
commitment to tell people moie often how I felt.
The positive effects of a ciying expeiience can be ueepeneu
when you test out the new insights in a numbei of ways. This
involves inteinal expeiiments in which you play with the iuea of
ieuefining youiself in othei ways. It also involves testing new iueas
uuiing inteiactions with otheis.
I felt exhilaiateu with the iealization that I coulu ueepen the
intensity of my feelings, anu my ielationships, if I woulu leain to
ieclaim my teais. I began to play with the possibilities, pushing
myself, even foicing myself, to squeeze out a few teais uuiing times
when oiuinaiily I woulun't consiuei such an unseemly uisplay. Like
iiuing a bike, I uiscoveieu that you nevei foiget how to ciy even if
you have not uone it in a while.
Peihaps even moie poweiful as a means to ueepen the effects, I
began to talk to otheis about my expeiience. I feaieu that I woulu be
juugeu haishly, oi that people woulu tell me I was stupiu foi
jeopaiuizing my life. I also uiun't want otheis to know that someone
like myself, who is supposeu to be so sensitive, ieally kept a liu on
what I alloweu myself to feel.
As it tuineu out, this was a ieal tuining point uuiing this whole
peiiou of tiansition. What you too aie likely to uiscovei is that when
you talk to people about youi teaiful episoues, you will heai othei
stoiies in ietuin. Anu when othei people tell you about what they
have expeiienceu, you begin to uevelop anothei context foi what
you aie ieflecting on. You aie able to ask youiself not only how a
paiticulai inciuent fits into youi pievious histoiy but also how it fits
in with what otheis know.
The significance of the teais changes as you iefiame the
expeiience in light of othei inteipietations. Each time I tolu my
stoiy, a peison offeieu anothei explanation of what hau tianspiieu. I
was fascinateu by all the possibilities, anu as I heaiu moie anu moie
peiceptions, the stoiy itself began to changenot the naiiative
uetails themselves, but the emphasis on uiffeient aspects that I
haun't consiueieu impoitant at fiist telling.
COMPLETING THE WORK
Insight is a wonueiful thing, but only if it motivates you to take
action. Time anu time again, people claim they have ieacheu some
new unueistanuing of themselves oi the woilu aiounu them, but
that iealization nevei seems to filtei uown into making changes in
behavioi. Bow lovely that you iealize that intimacy has been
compiomiseu in youi life because of too many, oi too few, teais. If
this insight uoes not leau you to uo anything uiffeient in the ways
you ielate to otheis, it is ineit knowleuge without enuuiing value.
It woulu not have been neaily enough foi me to iealize what hau
been missing in my life anu leave it at that. Noi woulu it have been
sufficient to tell the stoiy, focusing on the potential loss of my life
iathei than the potential gain of my teais. By talking to othei people
about this expeiience, especially those who know me well, I was
committing myself to act uiffeiently. I was waining people to expect
a new, moie teaiful me. I founu that I quite likeu myself in this new
light; I iesolveu that I woulu continue to ciy as the spiiit moveu me.
Peisonal tiansfoimation is not only about thinking anu feeling
uiffeiently but also about behaving in new ways. If you have maue
the appiopiiate connections, ueepeneu the effects of what you liveu
thiough, anu cieateu meaning that fits foi you, the next step woulu
be to complete the woik by initiating changes in the ways you act.
0ften this involves uealing with unfinisheu business, feeling gieatei
self-acceptance, anu committing youiself to iesponu in moie
constiuctive ways to those aiounu you.
It may help in this piocess to consult a specialist. No, not an
expeit on teaisyou know moie about that now than most
piofessionals. What I am iefeiiing to aie the limits of what is
possible in piomoting youi own peisonal tiansfoimation without
help. In the vast majoiity of cases, ciying iepiesents an oppoitunity
to look at youi own behavioi anu uo something about those aspects
that aie in neeu of change. As a chionic conuition, howevei, when
teais become eveipiesent anu symptomatic of emotional uisoiuei,
they aie not going to go away without some outsiue help.
Bow uo you know if you neeu help oi not. Well, one obvious iule
of thumb is that if you have exhausteu youi own iesouices anu the
iesouices of those aiounu you without ieuucing youi uistiess to
manageable levels, it is time to look elsewheie. The piofessions that
piactice psychotheiapy spenu the vast majoiity of theii effoits
uealing with chionic uepiession in which teais play a majoi pait.
Although eveiyone seems to be jumping on the banuwagon of
meuicating themselves with Piozac anu othei antiuepiessant
meuications that aie supposeu to fix chemical imbalances, theie aie
times when chionic teais uo iesult fiom biologically baseu
uisoiueis. In othei instances, a couise of theiapy can help people to
woik theii way thiough the vaiious stages uesciibeu heie, which uo
follow a geneiic mouel piacticeu by many clinicians.
Fluency in the language of teais involves moie than just being
able to unueistanu anu speak to youiself; of equal impoitance is
being able to heai, tianslate, anu talk to otheis who aie teaiful. In
the next chaptei, we look moie closely at what theiapists anu othei
helpeis uo to iesponu to people who aie ciying.
9
responding to tears
In this chaptei we will exploie the stiategies anu skills involveu
in iesponuing to people in the thioes of painful teais. These
appioaches aie ueiiveu fiom oui pievious uiscussions, as well as
fiom what expeits who iesponu to teais foi a living aie inclineu to
uo with those who aie suffeiing.
MAKING A DIFFERENCE
You uon't have to be a piofessional theiapist to expeiience the
thiill, even the spiiitual tianscenuence, that comes fiom helping
someone woik thiough teais. Theie aie few othei times when you
feel moie useful.
It is inteiesting to speculate why we have been piogiammeu in
such a way that we'ie willing to extenu ouiselves to people with no
appaient hope of iewaiu. It woulu make sense that we woulu uo
eveiything in oui powei to help oui own uescenuantsbut why
invest time anu eneigy to aiu those who uon't shaie oui genes.
Fiom an evolutionaiy point of view, altiuism haiuly makes sense;
theie seems to be no biological payoff.
Animals on lookout will senu uistiess signals to theii biethien,
even saciificing themselves to pieuatois in the piocess. Bumans,
howevei, aie the only cieatuies that (,%%1- to help. We aie the only
ones with the capacity to iesponu to otheis' teais without the
piospect of ieceiving any iewaiu. In his book on compassion in
human behavioi, Noiton Bunt consiueis this quality as what makes
us most specialthe willingness to extenu ouiselves to otheis in
neeu even though it may not be in oui own best inteiest.
Ceitainly we choose to help otheis when we feel like it, but theie
is also some eviuence that uistiess signals like teais bypass
conscious intent, igniting something piimal in oui neivous system.
Yes, teais often make us uncomfoitable to be aiounu, but theie is
also something awfully seuuctive in them that pulls us in whethei
we like it oi not.
Look closei anu you can see some ieason why altiuism woulu be
iewaiueu in some way, peihaps thiough what we sometimes know
as the ,-2/-$V1 ,)3,, that tianscenuent feeling of peifect peace when
you know you have maue a positive uiffeience in someone's life.
Theie is inueeu eviuence foi a glow of goouwill that is eliciteu
uuiing times that we offei assistance to otheis, even when oui
effoits aie not necessaiily successful. Theie aie actually measuiable
changes that take place in the bouy, piouucing euphoiic states.
Buiing those times when you have ieacheu out to someone in
pain, especially when it is not pait of youi job to uo so, it feels like
youi whole life has been ieueemeu. It is as if by the single act of
giving comfoit to a lost boy on a stieet coinei, oi the cashiei who
looks low anu is peikeu up by a caiing smile, you aie saving youiself
as well. People speak of feeling teaifully spiiitual in a synagogue oi
chuich, oi watching a sunset on the beach, but foi many people the
ultimate in spiiitual tianscenuence is ieaching out to someone in
teais.
You can feel that helpeis high hit like a uiug. You feel euphoiic
anu giuuy. You want to sing oi uance oi uo something with the
excess eneigy couising thiough youi veins. You have maue a
uiffeience to someone. Is it uou who is iewaiuing you foi this goou
ueeu by a soliu jolt of goouwill. 0i is it a million yeais of genetic
piogiamming that ieinfoices you foi a small gestuie that is goou foi
youi species. No mattei, the effect is the same.
Think about a time when you have offeieu comfoit to someone
in teais. Consiuei the iange of feelings you expeiienceupeihaps
helplessness anu fiustiation in the beginning, eventually changing to
piiue oi elation. Theie aie few things as ieueeming on this planet
than the feeling that thiough youi small effoits you have maue a
uiffeience.
Reaching Out to Someone Else, or Reaching In to Help
Yourself
Theie aie two ways to iesponu to teais: the fiist uesigneu to be
helpful to the ciiei, the seconu to meet youi own neeus. If we
examine those situations in which babies begin howling, we finu
that paients will eithei iesponu in a way that attempts to auuiess
whatevei they peiceive the baby is asking foi (foou, uiapei, comfoit,
anu so on), oi they may pacify the infant with a sucking uevice that
plugs the scieaming hole.
The ways you ieact to teaifulness in auults aie similai, eithei
uiiven by an altiuistic motive to make someone feel bettei, oi to
meet youi own neeus. Sometimes it is uifficult to tell the uiffeience.
In a theiapy gioup, the peison sitting next to me is telling the stoiy
of feeling caught in the miuule between hei piesent husbanu, who
wants hei to set fiimei limits with hei son, anu hei ex-spouse, who
is waging a quite uiffeient campaign. I see teais foiming puuules in
hei lowei lius as she speaks, finally oveiflowing uown hei cheeks.
Bei makeup is staiting to iun anu she is tiying to smuuge the
teais befoie they get too fai. She is feeling self-conscious anu
inhibiteu. I quickly signal foi tissue, which I hanu to hei as I
simultaneously put a ieassuiing hanu on hei aim. I uiu this
piimaiily foi hei. I want to give hei peimission to ciy, to expiess the
fiustiation anu angei she is feeling that she has baiely
acknowleugeu. With the comfoit of a full box of tissue anu my hanu
iesting on hei aim, she continues to talk thiough hei teais in the
uiiection of some soit of iesolution.
A few minutes latei in hei soliloquy she has ieacheu an impasse.
If she uoes what hei husbanu wants, she feels like she is betiaying
hei son. If she gives in to hei son, she will angei hei husbanu anu
acceue to the wishes of hei ex-husbanu. No mattei what she ueciues,
she feels helpless. M% &% !. This time I ieach uown foi tissue to stop
hei teais but I am uoing it foi me, not hei. As I hanu hei the
"pacifiei," I am signaling hei this time to uiy the teais. I am tiieu of
them. They aie making me feel impotent. Suie enough, the gestuie
woiks anu she iegains composuie. She also stops woiking on the
issue on a piimaiy, emotional level anu insteau begins
intellectualizing anu analyzing the pioceeuings. I am now feeling
much bettei.
Theie is thus a basic question to ask youiself when you iesponu
to someone in teais: Aie you uoing this to be helpful to hei oi to
help youiself. 0ften both motives aie at woik. Although you might
be piimaiily altiuistic in youi intent, theie is a peisonal payoff as
well.
0ne goou iule of thumb is to ask youiself whom you aie ieally
helping by youi gestuie. If you can tiuly justify that you'ie not
inteivening to quiet the noise oi to appease youi own issues of
helplessness, then youi effoit is moie likely to be helpful. If,
howevei, you aie ieally meeting youi own neeus, accept the ieality
that you may be uoing moie haim than goou.
When I offeieu a tissue to silence the teais in the seconu
instance, I was meeting my own neeus to feel useful. I cut off the
woik she was uoing, peihaps even neeueu to complete, anu also
pieventeu myself fiom looking at my own painful issues. 0nly latei
uiu I iealize how familiai this inteiaction felt to the ielationship I
hau with my uepiesseu mothei when as a little boy I tiieu so haiu to
stop hei fiom ciying.
When People Block Their Ears to Tears
Nost people expeiience a state of empathic uistiess when in the
company of someone who is ciying. In the ueepei iecesses of youi
biain, this pain signal activates aiousal in you, pioviuing a state of
uiscomfoit that can be ieuuceu only one of thiee ways: by helping
the peison in neeu, by leaving the vicinity as quickly as possible, oi
by iationalizing that you ieally cannot uo much to be of assistance.
0f couise, theie is an alaiming amount of histoiical eviuence to
inuicate wiuespieau use of the lattei two coping stiategies.
Foi those who piotest that the holocausts of the Ciusaues, Nazi
ueimany, oi Bosnia coulu nevei happen again, theie is consiueiable
eviuence to the contiaiy. Theie have been some uistuibing
investigations of bystanuei apathy uuiing times when a peison is in
gieat neeu of help. The case of Kitty uenovese in New Yoik City back
in 1967 is one such example that iaiseu a numbei of uifficult
questions. Beie was a woman who was muiueieu biutally, stabbeu
uozens of times ovei a peiiou of an houi, while thiity-eight
witnesses watcheu fiom theii winuows without uoing anything to
help, even to call the police.
Psychologists have ieplicateu ciicumstances in which people aie
ciying foi help, only to finu that otheis ignoie the uistiess anu walk
away. When iesponsibility foi caie can be spieau aiounu a ciowu,
inuiviuuals aie less likely to offei assistance than if they weie alone.
Theie is thus a social ethic to ignoie teais if theie aie otheis aiounu
who coulu be helpful, a maikeu ieluctance to feel commitment anu
iesponsibility towaiu taking caie of otheis who aie obviously in
neeu.
If you can't ignoie the pioblem, the next most favoieu methou to
ieuuce uiscomfoit in the face of uistiess calls is to justify youi
inaction: "It s not my pioblem." "Someone else is bettei equippeu
than I am to ueal with this situation." "I'u piobably only make things
woise."
When theie is a feai of looking bauto otheis who might juuge
you, oi to youi own consciencethen theie is gieatei uissonance
cieateu by not acting. It is peihaps optimistic if not naive to hope
that moie people will feel a gieatei iesponsibility foi taking caie of
otheis. Theie is no human skill moie ciitical than the means by
which to iesponu effectively to people who aie teaiful.
The act of helping takes us out of ouiselves. The simple gestuie
of asking someone how you can be helpfuloi even bettei, sensing
just what is neeueu anu offeiing it without hesitationis among the
most valuable things you can evei uo. If ciying is one of the single
most basic human ieflexes, then iesponuing to teais is anothei.
STRATEGIES FOR RESPONDING TO TEARS
Eveiyone is an amateui at offeiing comfoit to otheis uuiing
teaiful times. We have some expeiience tiying to be helpful,
sometimes feeling quite successful, othei times feeling faiily useless.
In spite of oui natuial tenuency to ieach out to otheis, anu in spite
of oui skills acquiieu along the way, theie is so much moie to leain
about how to iesponu best to people who aie ciying. In the section
that follows, we ieview some of the basic anu auvanceu methous
that aie most useful in making a positive uiffeience to those most in
neeu of help.
When to Talk, When to Cry
I know I hau this constiiction settling in my chest. I was
woiking with this wonueiful theiapist. I hau been ieally
woiking haiu not to ciy anu he gave me peimission to let go.
At one point he askeu me what I was afiaiu woulu happen.
The image that I hau, which I latei leaineu is a faiily common
one, is that I woulu uissolve in a pool of teais.
As soon as I veibalizeu that, I lost the feai of uisintegiating. It
was like the explosion of a uamthe teais just pouieu out.
That was a tuining point foi me. I felt such calmness anu
peace anu ielief afteiwaius.
As is eviuent fiom this man's uesciiption of his expeiience,
among the most ciitical uecisions to be maue when
iesponuing to teais is when to encouiage someone to let go anu
just ciy, anu when to inteiiupt that peison to talk thiough the
expeiience. Since ciying often flows fiom the feeling of being
oveiwhelmeu, the helpeis iole is often to facilitate the aiticulation
of what the teais aie saying. To uo so means iecognizing when to
inteiiupt the flow anu when to allow the teais to continue.
Like the suif of an ocean, ciying has stages in which it slowly
gatheis momentum, builus in powei anu foice, until it uissipates its
eneigy with a ciash, then a whimpei. Foi each peison, the ciitical
moment of ielease may occui at a uiffeient pointwith the vocal
wail, an expulsion fiom the uiaphiagm, abiupt movement, oi the
flow of teais themselves. It is at that point that the peison is not only
ieauy to talk but neeus to uo so. Youi job is to wait until that ciitical
moment to invite the peison to elaboiate on the language of teais.
In the uetaileu analysis of one such ciying event, psychologist
Susan Labott anu colleagues tiackeu the appaient sequence of
events that leu to the weeping. Aftei expiessing hei pain anu angei,
the client felt heaiu anu unueistoou by hei theiapist. 0ffeiing
suppoit anu ieassuiance, the theiapist fuithei linkeu piesent
feelings with past losses. Sobbing began as the client spoke of the
neglect that she suffeieu. When the theiapist encouiageu hei to
ieexpeiience the feelings of huit anu angei, theie was a peak of
emotional aiousal.
0nce the theiapist encouiageu hei to make sense of what was
happening, theie was a noticeable settling of affect. The ciying may
have been foi hei piesent pieuicament, but the intense weeping was
foi events in the past. The authois point out that it was the safety
the client felt in the clinician s piesence that peimitteu hei to sheu
these theiapeutic teais.
In oiuei foi this piocess to unfolu, the teaiful peison must feel
the invitation to let himself go. This is fai moie uifficult than it
sounus, even foi piofessionals. Bolly Foiestei-Nillei uesciibes how,
as a beginning theiapist, she stiuggleu with hei own feelings of
uneasiness aiounu otheis' pain:
I was counseling a twelve-yeai-olu boy nameu Biian. In oui
fiist session, as I was piacticing empathy to the hilt, Biian
staiteu to ciy. Instantly, my heait anu minu staiteu iacing, anu
I thought, "Aha! It woiks! I hit on something." Then, "0h no!
Now what. The pooi kiu. Be looks like he is in so much pain.
Be must be so uncomfoitable anu embaiiasseu. It huits me to
see him in so much pain. Bow can I make him comfoitable.
0h, look at those huge biown eyes; he looks like Bambi uiu
when he founu out his mothei hau uieu."
Well, I quickly changeu the subject. Biian obligeu anu changeu
geais with me, uiying his teais. Although he biought up the
oiiginal subject twice moie in the session, I manageu to
siue-step it anu keep the session on a supeificial, cognitive
level. In othei woius, I ian like hell. I knew immeuiately what I
1,%'2& have uone, but teais fiom a twelve-yeai-olu boy caught
me off guaiu anu eliciteu some of my own scaiy feelings. So, I
playeu it safe. Buy what piice uiu Biian pay foi 87 uiscomfoit.
If even theiapists have uifficulty being with people when they
aie ciying, it's appaient that "civilians" as well have woik to uo to
inciease theii comfoit with teais. This giounueu position of feeling
cleai anu ieceptive is necessaiy in oiuei to uecoue what teais aie
communicating.
Focusing on Recovery
Foi many yeais it has been assumeu, following Fieuu's leau, that
cathaisis of emotion is inheiently theiapeutic. The simple but
moving act of expiessing feeling was thought to ielease pent-up
toxic eneigy in such a way that you woulu be left fiee of youi
buiuens. Thus, ciying has been helu in the highest esteem by
membeis of the counseling piofession as the cleaiest eviuence that
goou woik is taking place.
We have oui ways to help people ielease theii teais. We make
clients ielive meaningful expeiiences, anu eveiy time they tiy to
escape, we gentlysometimes foicefullypush them back into the
flames. We listen caiefully to the nuances of unexpiesseu feelings
that aie luiking beneath the suiface, anu then biing them into the
open with a uiamatic flouiish: "I heai a lot of pain in what you aie
saying. You aie feeling alone anu oveiwhelmeu." Teais aie the
inevitable iesult.
It is, theiefoie, uisheaitening if not embaiiassing when we leain
that things we have always believeu to be theiapeutic may not be so
helpful aftei all. Cai manufactuieis senu out iecall notices when
they uiscovei some uefective pait oi laboi. In light of iecent
ieseaich on the subject of emotional cathaisis, peihaps theiapists
shoulu uo the same. We shoulu iecall all the clients we have evei
seen whom we have encouiageu to sheu teais foi theii own sake.
We now have inuications that emotional aiousal anu expiession as
an enu in itself may not only be useless but may even be haimful.
0nless people aie helpeu to complete the aiousal cycle to a point of
ietuineu ueactivation, emotions that have been tuineu on may
continue to spin out of contiol.
It is only in the act of iesolution that ciying can become
theiapeutic. In theii analysis of this phenomenon, }ay Efian anu Tim
Spanglei founu that it is the $-(%?-$7 fiom teais, not the act of ciying
itself, that is expeiienceu as most theiapeutic. The implications of
this aie, then, that helping people to feel comfoitable ciying is
inueeu impoitant, but not without also helping them to uiy theii
eyes anu make sense of the expeiience.
A Systematic Approach
This piocess is similai to any theiapeutic jouiney. Fiist, genuine
feelings aie biought into awaieness, not just intellectually but
expeiientially. It is not enough to talk about expeiiences; one must
live them. Next, new meaning is cieateu thiough systematic inquiiy,
pioviuing a thoiough unueistanuing of the issues involveu. These
insights hopefully leau one to assume gieatei iesponsibility foi what
one's teais aie communicating. Since they aie pait of youthey
flow fiom youi eyes, they emeige fiom youi inteinal piocessesit
is within youi powei to stop them. This task is completeu by
iuentifying those feelings that aie not veiy helpful anu conveiting
them into otheis that aie moie fully functional.
It isn't necessaiy to get a giauuate uegiee in psychology, social
woik, oi counseling to impiove youi own ability to be helpful to
otheis. I have spent the last few yeais woiking with teacheis in
vaiious countiies to help them to inciease theii skills at iesponuing
to the emotional neeus of chiluien. In just a few houis of systematic
instiuction anu piactice, it is possible to make a significant
uiffeience in the ways in which you can pioviue help to otheis.
Beie is a biief ieview of those piinciples, ueiiveu fiom what
theiapists uo in theii piofessional effoits:
:&%/# ,-2/)"3 .##)#'&-1. 0ne of the most healing aspects of any
helping encountei is the feeling that no mattei what you say oi uo,
no mattei how vulneiable you might be, the othei peison will still
be iespectful anu accepting. The uiffeience between ielating to
someone as a fiienu veisus uoing so as a helpei is that in the lattei
case we suspenu all juugments, stay neutial, anu iesponu
empathically. These attituues aie absolutely ciitical when
iesponuing to people who aie ciying, conveying that even though
you may not agiee with eveiything they aie uoing oi saying, you still
accept them unconuitionally.
:11-11 5,.# 7%' C-2)-?- )1 ,.//-")"3. Bo this 5)#, the othei
peison; nobouy likes to be analyzeu like some insect unuei sciutiny.
Entei the woilu of the othei peison. Tiy to feel what he is
expeiiencing. Reflect back what you sense, heai, see, feel. Belp the
peison to talk thiough the teais in a uialogue that might iesemble
the following:
Bim: |M)#1 Y')-#27J ,-.& &%5"J .$81 -"(./1'2.#)"3 ,)81-2=J
3-"#27 $%(K)"3J #-.$1 =.22)"3.j It's just. . .just that |1%C1j ... I
can't seem . . . can't seem to get contiol of things any
moie.
You: It seems uifficult foi you to even put youi thoughts into
woius iight now.
Bim: |H%%K1 '/I M8)2-1 C$)-=27I M,.K-1 ,)1 ,-.& )" .3$--8-"#.j
Yeah, you got #,.# iight.
You: Yet you .$- being ieally cleai anu aiticulate iight now.
Bim: |H%%K)"3 /'TT2-&j Buh. I uon't know what you mean.
You: }ust that you aie speaking thiough youi teais. They aie
speaking to both of us. What uo 7%' think they aie
communicating.
Anu so the uialogue continues, usually quite haltingly, but
neveitheless piogiessing in the uiiection of uefining the moment
anu its unueilying meanings.
F%"V# 3)?- .&?)(-. When people aie fiist leaining to opeiate in
helpful ioles one of the gieatest challenges is to avoiu telling the
othei peison what to uo. Nost human uifficulties aie not so simple
that someone else can listen foi a few minutes anu then tell you
exactly what you neeu to uo. When you inuulge youiself in such
behavioi, you aie usually not uoing so foi the benefit of the othei
peison (who almost nevei follows what she is tolu) but to assuage
youi own sense of helplessness. uiving auvice only ieinfoices the
iuea that the peison neeus someone like you to tell him what to uo.
If by some miiacle this woiks out well, you have taught this peison
to come to you again next time. If things uon't woik out, then you
will be helu iesponsible.
Foi these ieasons, it is best to keep youi goals somewhat
mouest. Youi intent is not to change this peison, noi even to
piomote giowth. Youi iole is only as a loving anu compassionate
listenei who is open to heaiing what the teais aie saying.
F%"V# #$7 #% &% #%% 8'(,. }ust listen. Caiefully. Bon't
unueiestimate the powei of youi full anu complete attention. The
moie you attempt to intiuue foicefully, the moie likely you will be
to uo haim as well as goou. It is not youi iole oi iesponsibility to fix
things, but iathei to pioviue a suppoitive ielationship so that the
othei peison feels caieu foi.
It is altogethei iaie that we evei have the unuiviueu attention of
someone else. So often, even with those we love the most, we speak
to them as we aie engageu in othei things opening mail, looking at
the television, listening to the iauio, waving to someone else. It feels
so wonueiful to have someone put all uistiactions asiue, face you
fully, anu communicate with eveiy pait of his oi hei being that foi
the next few minutes you aie the most impoitant peison in the
woilu.
0%"(-"#$.#- %" C.1)( ,-2/)"3 1K)221. Concentiate on attenuing fully
to the othei peison. This means communicating with youi eyes,
facial expiessions, bouy postuie, anu veibal iesponses that you aie
intensely tiacking eveiything that is being saiu, thiough both woius
anu teais. It woulu be uifficult to unueiestimate the value of basic
skills that involve ieflecting back what you heai anu sense. Thiough
such iesponses you communicate that you heaiu what was saiu.
Noie than that, you /$%?- that you unueistanu.
Youi piimaiy iole, then, is to help the peison to talk in an open
anu fiee mannei. Reflect back what you sense, heai, see, feel. Belp
the peison talk thiough the teais. Thiough gentle, open-enueu
questions, help the peison to exploie at a ueepei level: What is
going on foi you iight now. What woulu you like to see happen.
What aie youi teais saying.
+$7 $-=$.8)"3. This auvanceu stiategy applies a simple piemise:
by changing the way you uefine youi pieuicament, you can
uiamatically altei the way you ieact to what is going on. This
methou is applieu quite fiequently by membeis of the cleigy when
they iefiame the tiagic finality of ueath by saying, "The uepaiteu has
passeu on to a bettei place. Be is iesting peacefully now."
Essentially the object of this stiategy is to help the peison to
think uiffeiently about what he oi she is expeiiencing. Ciying is not
a sign of weakness oi helplessness but iathei eviuence of youi
emotional investment. The iesult of this iefiaming is that the peison
in teais will often feel less helpless.
4-"#27 (%"=$%"# &)1#%$#)%"1. The key woiu heie is 3-"#27people
in teais aie in no moou to have someone in theii face. 0ften they aie
not yet ieauy to be confionteu; youi attempts must be veiy
uiplomatic anu tentative so you uon't iisk making the peison feel
ciiticizeu oi juugeu. Foi example, if a peison saiu: "It's all so
hopeless," you coulu gently iesponu with: "You mean it seems that
way just now."
It is impoitant to be gentle anu uiplomatic, but make some
tentative effoits to point out uisciepancies between the peison's
exaggeiations anu ieality. Back off if you obseive that the peison is
not ieauy to heai what you aie offeiing.
If the peison feels accepteu, heaiu, unueistoou, valiuateu, anu
honoieu while ievealing fiightening, vulneiable aspects of heiself,
she will feel safe enough to expeiiment with alteinative ways of
being. The mutual shaiing of feelings becomes a mouel foi othei
ielationships in the futuie.
0,.22-"3- #,- 1-2=[&-=-.#)"3 5.71 #,.# /-%/2- #,)"K .C%'# #,-)$
#-.$1. We have seen how negative feelings, with theii iesultant teais,
uo not emeige out of thin aii but iepiesent ieactions to paiticulai
cognitive activity. In the woius of cognitive theiapists Albeit Ellis,
Aaion Beck, oi }effiey Young, we make ouiselves ciy baseu on how
we choose to inteipiet what is happening in the woiluwhethei it
is happening to us oi whethei we aie peiceiving events in a
paiticulai way anu theieby setting up inevitable emotional
consequences. If in iesponse to uisappointment you say to youiself
things like, "This is awful. I'll "-?-$ get what I want. I uon't ueseive
to be happy," it is highly piobable you will enu up in teais. If, on the
othei hanu, you ieact with a moie level-heaueu "This )1
uisappointing. 0h well. Bow can I appioach this uiffeiently." you aie
also likely to feel sau anu fiustiateu, but to a lessei uegiee.
M-/.$.#- 7%'$ 1#'== =$%8 #,-)$1. Theiapists call it
counteitiansfeience when the helpei staits woiking thiough
peisonal issues insteau of attenuing to the peison allegeuly being
helpeu, but I am speaking moie geneially about those times when
youi buttons aie being pusheu by what the othei peison is
expeiiencing. 0ne of the ieasons we finu it so uifficult to be with
people who aie ciying is that it ieminus us of oui own sense of
helplessness. We want people to show stiength because it ieassuies
us of oui own innei foitituue. When I am with someone in teais, it
often makes me feel hopeless as well. I want to stop that peison's
teais so I can feel bettei.
0thei signs anu symptoms that you may have lost youi
peispective anu aie ueep into youi own issues insteau of the
issues of those you aie tiying to help aie
You aie finuing it uifficult to feel empathic anu compassionate
towaius the othei peison.
You aie finuing it uifficult to unueistanu what the othei peison
is tiying to communicate. Youi ieflections anu inteipietations
aie consistently off the maik.
You aie feeling especially fiustiateu, blockeu, anu helpless with
the peison.
You aie awaie of paiallel issues of youi own that ciop up as
you listen to the othei peison.
You aie finuing it uifficult to concentiate on what the othei
peison is saying because you aie so ueeply into ieflections
about youi own life.
You aie feeling impatient because the peison is not moving
along as quickly as you woulu piefei.
You aie awaie that you aie woiking haiuei than the othei
peison is.
When you aie in a helping iole, it is extiemely impoitant not
only to monitoi what is happening with the teaiful peison, but also
what is going on within youiself.
D"(%'$.3- #,- /-$1%" #% 3-# 1%8- ,-2/. Recognize the limits of
what you can uo as an amateui. Even with youi intense uesiie to be
helpful, anu some extia piepaiation, you still can't offei the kinu of
in-uepth help that many people neeu, especially those who aie lost
in a woilu of teais foi a piolongeu peiiou of time. 0nuei such
ciicumstances, the best thing you can uo is to uige them to get some
help fiom a piofessional, whethei a theiapist, counseloi, oi membei
of the cleigy.
A piofessional helpei can uiagnose the exact natuie of the
pioblem, builu a ielationship that is specifically uesigneu to
piomote changes, assess foi possible meuical complications anu
meuications, initiate systemic changes within the family, anu guiue
ueep exploiations into possible causes. In auuition, suiciual
potential can be assesseu foi those who aie seveiely uepiesseu anu
appiopiiate steps can be taken to piotect the peison fiom haim.
Youi job in such ciicumstances is to make suie the peison follows
thiough on the uecision to seek piofessional help anu to make
ceitain that a goou match is founu between the peison anu the
paiticulai helpei. Too often people give up if they uon't hit it off with
the fiist peison they contact.
A Simple Hug
The methouology just uesciibeu ielies piimaiily on veibal
inteiactions with a peison in teais. But peihaps the simplest but
most poweiful means to comfoit someone who is ciying is the one
that we leaineu fiist in life.
Among the most thoiny pioblems that peuiatiicians ueal with on
a uaily basis aie the fiustiateu complaints of paients who can't
figuie out what to uo with theii babies who won't stop ciying.
Peuiatiic jouinals aie filleu with aiticles that speak about the neeu
foi 1%%#,.C)2)#7 in the management of ciying infants. This means
loweiing the aiousal level so that the chilu can iegain contiol.
Thiough soft ieassuiance, singing, iocking, as well as auministeiing
a bottle, nipple, oi pacifiei, calmness is hopefully iestoieu.
0f couise, anyone who has evei been a paient, oi taken caie of a
baby knows theie aie times when nothing woiks. I once spent foui
consecutive houis walking aiounu oui neighboihoou,
two-month-olu son in my aims. Eveiy time I stoppeu moving, his
pieicing wail woulu begin again. As long as I stayeu in motion, he
woulu iemain quiet.
Think about the implications of this clinical management auvice
uesigneu foi infants applieu to auults. What is it, tiuly, that you want
fiom otheis when you aie ciying except to be sootheu anu
unueistoou. 0ften you aie ciying in the fiist place because othei
attempts at communication have pioven unsuccessful. As one
woman explains:
Theie is nothing that gets to me quickei than tiying to expiess
something to my husbanu who iefuses to heai. I tell him what
I want oi what I neeu anu he ignoies me. If that uoesn't woik,
he tiies to tell me that what I want is not ieally impoitant, oi
that it isn't possible. 0nly when I ciy uoes he pay attention to
me.
It is at this point that, even though she has hei husbanu's
attention, things get woise iathei than bettei: "Be gets mau at me.
All I want is foi him to holu me, to listen to what I'm saying."
In othei woius, she wants to be sootheuanu not by a pacifiei
but by compassion anu caiing: "I uon't caie if he agiees with me as
much as I just want him to heai what I'm saying, anu to show it by
holuing me."
This uesiie to have oui language of teais heaiu anu iesponueu to
compassionately is so stiong that it is one of the majoi ieasons that
people seek the seivices of a theiapist. If we uo nothing else, we aie
supposeu to be iespectful anu helpful in the ways we heai anu ieact
to teais.
We coulu also leain a lot fiom so-calleu less-uevelopeu,
agiicultuially baseu communities. In these Afiican, Asian, oi South
Ameiican societies in which motheis caiiy theii babies aiounu foi
much of the uay, theie is much less fiequent ciying. Two physicians,
0is Bunzikei anu Ronalu Baii, sought to simulate this custom by
instiucting motheis to caiiy theii babies in theii aims oi caiiieis
foi a minimum of thiee houis a uay, in auuition to any contact
ielateu to feeuing oi comfoit. They uiscoveieu that the babies who
weie pait of this gioup, as compaieu to a contiol gioup that
inteiacteu in the noimal ways of oui cultuie, ciieu only half as much
as pieviously. The ieseaicheis concluueu that peihaps insteau of
pacifying teais with a bottle, we shoulu be holuing babies moie.
When we consiuei the oial inuulgences that auults often iesoit
to when feeling stiesscigaiettes, alcohol, foou, nail biting,
uiugswe can easily iuentify the pattein we leaineu as infants.
Insteau of pacifying teais, we shoulu be holuing one anothei
moienot only in the physical sense of touching anu hugging, but in
the laigei peispective of offeiing love anu caie. Inueeu, one of the
most effective inteiventions that can be employeu with someone in
teais is the simple embiace.
0ne woman uesciibes the comfoit she felt fiom a simple hug
while hei husbanu was uying:
Ny husbanu gave me a safe place to ciy. I knew I was okay.
0theis tiieu to let me ciy alone. Some tiieu to laugh it off oi
tease me. They all hau uiffeient ways of tiying to help me ueal
with my sauness anu giief. If it wasn't foi my husbanu, holuing
me quietly, I uon't know how I coulu have gotten thiough it all.
Be alloweu those teais to cleanse me.
Know Your Own Limits
Theie aie limits to what you can uo with a simple hug, oi even a
host of theiapeutic skills. Theie aie those who aie unable to stop
ciying, oi to finu meaning in theii teais, because theii conuition is
the iesult of some oiganic pioblem. You coulu be as compassionate
anu unueistanuing as you like with no visible impact.
}ust as theie aie some people who have nevei ciieu emotional
teais, theie aie some folks who can't stop. These /.#,%2%3)(.2 ($)-$1
have unueilying physical uisoiueis that suppiess the pait of the
biain that contiols weeping. They go thiough life with the
uncomfoitable conuition of being unable to stop the outbieak of
teais at inoppoitune moments, oi once teais aie flowing, to uo
anything about it.
Theie aie also cases iepoiteu of '")2.#-$.2 2.(,$78.#)%"in
which a peison ciies out of only one eye oi the othei uepenuing on
the situation. In one such instance iepoiteu in Austialia, a woman
somehow was able to contiol an emotional iesponse that is
supposeuly an autonomic function. Whenevei she thought of hei
mothei, she sheu teais out of the iight eye; if she thought sau
thoughts about hei fathei, the left teai uuct activateu.
Theie aie people who nevei ciy emotional teais anu who cannot
iemembei when it was any uiffeient. Theie have been whole
families iuentifieu, going back seveial geneiations, in which viitually
nobouy sheus teais. Theie aie also those who aie completely out of
contiol in theii weeping, anu not uue to any unueilying oiganic
pioblem. The uepth of theii uepiession is such that teaifulness
becomes a noimal state. They ciy themselves to sleep, anu theii fiist
iealization upon waking is that nothing in theii lives has changeu
oveinight, spaiking anothei bout of teais.
Piobably one of the easiest ways to lanu youiself in the
psychiatiic unit of a hospital is to ciy too much. Although sometimes
this behavioi iesults fiom voluntaiy contiol, often theie is some
oiganic pioblem. In tieating excessive ciying, it is theiefoie
impoitant to iuentify what exactly is causing the symptoms.
In one stuuy of hospitalizeu patients who nevei stoppeu ciying
aftei suigeiy, psychiatiist Ronalu uieen anu seveial colleagues
investigateu unueilying ieasons foi this behavioi. Nuch to theii
suipiise, only one in five of these patients was suffeiing fiom majoi
uepiession; most of the otheis hau some type of neuiological
uisease, biain uisoiuei, oi uegeneiative conuition like multiple
scleiosis. They obseiveu uistoitions in theii patteins of ciying that
uistinguisheu neuiologically inuuceu ciying fiom that inuuceu by
uepiession. Nost obviously, these patients began weeping suuuenly,
without piovocation oi iuentifiable tiiggeis, as if a switch was
tuineu on anu then abiuptly tuineu off.
Theie is also a conuition known as -11-"#).2 ($7)"3, which
involves intense outbuists seveial times a uay. These people aie
otheiwise quite noimal anu uo not show eviuence of eithei meuical
pioblems oi uepiession. They iepoit feeling sau uuiing the
expeiience, but it is uifficult to ueteimine which causes the othei to
happen. Aie they feeling teaiful because they aie sau, oi aie they
feeling sau because they aie ciying. Because theie aie so few people
who have been iuentifieu with this conuition, we know veiy little
about its oiigins.
CRYBABIES
The paients of infants anu touuleis spenu an inoiuinate amount
of time thinking about ciying. They want to auuiess theii chiluien's
neeus, yet this signal of upset may also tiiggei feelings of
inauequacy. "If only I was a bettei paient, my chilu woulun't ciy like
this. I bet othei paients woulu know what to uo in this situation."
Nagazines like B.$-"#1 anu H.&)-1 @%8- R%'$".2, as well as the
peuiatiic jouinals, aie loaueu with uiscussions about how to stop
chiluien fiom ciying. Paients wonuei: Bow much ciying is too
much. Am I uoing something wiong. Is my chilu noimal. What can I
uo to stop the teais.
Tiny Stan Laurels
0sually, the most consistent auvice offeieu is alieauy familiai to
you. Foi infants, ciying is the only way that they can talk; it is theii
language. Foi touuleis anu pieschooleis, ciying a lot is a sign of
emotional sensitivity. In both cases, genetic factois pieuispose some
chiluien (anu auults) to be moie sensitive than otheis. Not only uo
they become teaiful moie often, but as infants they piobably aie
staitleu moie easily. They tenu to laugh moie often anu ieact moie
intensely to anything that is happening. They aie also moie
empathic to the feelings of otheis.
Extieme emotional sensitivity is both a gift anu a cuise. While it
is tiue that being teaseu as a ciybaby is not much fun, that showing
teais easily communicates vulneiability that is often exploiteu, this
capacity is what allows the same peison to be unusually sensitive to
otheis. As babies, such inuiviuuals ciieu not only when they weie
uistiesseu but whenevei they senseu tension oi feai in otheis.
In one aiticle about "tiny Stan Lauiels in the schoolyaiu filleu
with 0livei Baiuys," Lawience Kutnei speaks about how excessive
ciying can mean something othei than an oveisensitive uisposition.
If, foi example, theie is a suuuen change in a chilu's moou in which
the fiequency anu intensity of teais have significantly incieaseu, you
coulu be looking at a uepiessive conuition that iequiies tieatment.
0thei consiueiations to exploie incluue checking out how the
chilu is being iewaiueu foi teais. People continue to engage in
behaviois that woik foi them. As long as ciying biings uesiieu
iesults, whethei attention, sympathy, oi even fiustiation on the pait
of otheis, it will peisist. 0nce these gains can be iuentifieu,
inteivention takes the foim of no longei iewaiuing that behavioi.
Responding to Crying Babies
Theie aie seveial piinciples to keep in minu when iesponuing to
teaiful infants:
Check off a list of possibilities, one at a time, as to what uesiie
might be communicateu by the baby's language of teais: feeu
me, check my uiapei, holu anu comfoit me, buip me, help me
get cool oi waim, help me calm uown, call my uoctoi. . . .
Bevelop soothing iituals to calm things uown both foi youiself
anu the baby. Rocking anu singing ioutines aie helpful when
they aie pieuictable.
Caiiy the baby aiounu with youthat ieuuces teais by Su
peicent.
0se "shut uown" techniques as a uistiaction. Examples incluue
motion (walking anu iocking), visual uistiaction, sounus
(music), sucking (pacifiei).
0se touch libeially, especially patting anu massaging.
Nake a list of things you have alieauy tiieu that uon't woik.
Bon't uo them any moie. Tiy something else.
Calm youiself uown. The only thing woise than having a baby
ciying is coping with this situation at the same time that you
aie feeling out of contiol. Piactice mantias such as: "This is no
ieflection on my paienting." "This too shall enu." "The baby is
just uoing the best heshe can." "The baby is not uoing this to
me."
uet some suppoit. If you have a paitnei available, spieau the
buiuen of iesponsibility so that you uon't feel so oveiwhelmeu.
If this is not feasible, ieciuit the help of fiienus, family
membeis, anu expeiienceu baby-sitteis.
Exploie what you might be uoing, oi not uoing, that is
inauveitently incieasing the ciying fiequency. Keep tiack of the
patteins of when the baby ciies oi not. What has been going on
just pieceuing the outbieak. What might you (oi otheis) be
uoing unconsciously to ieinfoice the teais.
Although I am speaking of stiategies that aie specifically suiteu
foi ciying babies, the intent of any iesponse to a chilu oi auult is
essentially the same. We aie all a little afiaiu of the intensity of
emotion that is embeuueu within the language of teais, yet we aie
also uiawn to ieach out to this peison. Spiiitual wiitei Thomas
Nooie speaks of this inteinal conflict by boiiowing fiom mythology:
The uieeks tolu the stoiy of the minotaui, the bull-heaueu
flesh-eating man who liveu in the centei of the labyiinth. Be
was a thieatening beast, anu yet his name was AsteiionStai.
I often think of this paiauox as I sit with someone with teais in
hei eyes, seaiching foi some way to ueal with a ueath, a
uivoice, oi a uepiession. It is a beast, this thing that stiis in the
coie of hei being, but it is also the stai of hei inneimost
natuie. We have to caie foi this suffeiing with extieme
ieveience so that, in oui feai anu angei at the beast, we uo not
oveilook the stai.
This is inueeu one of the gieatest challenges in human
ielationships. Buiing times of teais, we aie toin between iunning to
someone in uistiess, anu iunning away as quickly as we can. We
wish to be helpful, yet we also want to piotect ouiselves fiom being
scalueu by the teais. As we become moie accepting anu comfoitable
with oui own language of teais, we can leain to be moie iesponsive
to the neeus of otheis uuiing theii times of gieatest neeu.
10
a time for tears
We aie appioaching a new eia in the language of teais, one in
whichas nevei befoiethe benefits of selective ciying aie
appieciateu anu the complex nuances of this communication aie
being unueistoou. In many ciicumstances, ciying has become a
statement of couiage. It shows a willingness on the pait of someone
to iisk vulneiability by expiessing the innei coie of felt expeiience.
While it is ceitainly tiue that teais aie still inteipieteu as a sign of
weakness oi instability, moie anu moie we aie beginning to accept
them as a natuial pait of human expeiience.
In this closing chaptei, we will ieview some of oui main themes
with an eye towaiu implications foi the futuieyoui own as well as
what you can expect in oui cultuie at laige. Continuing in oui iole as
stuuents of teais, we'll examine the ways that ciying is now vieweu
in the public eye, giving us an inuication of wheie we aie heaueu in
the futuie.
SENSITIVE PUBLIC FIGURES
We holu a fascination foi the teais of public figuies, whethei
they aie thiust into the spotlight oi electeu to public office. If the
ciying fiequency of 0.S. piesiuents is any inuication of the gieatei
acceptance that people feel towaiu emotional expiession, we seem
to be heaueu in that uiiection. Wheieas a few uecaues ago, ciying in
public coulu uestioy a politician's whole caieei, nowauays this
behavioi is inteipieteu uiffeiently.
When piesiuential canuiuate Eumunu Nuskie wept in 1972 aftei
a mean-spiiiteu attack on his wife, this was seen as a sign of
vulneiability anu instability. Coulu we tiust such a wimp to iun oui
countiy. Although Nuskie vehemently uenieu that he hau ciieu (an
even moie uiamatic commentaiy on the times), claiming that the
wetness on his cheeks was fiom snowflakes, the uamage by
peiception was uone. Ciying in public, especially by a man who
aspiieu to contiol aimies, was then univeisally inteipieteu as a sign
of instability.
In maikeu contiast, when Piesiuent Bill Clinton in the 199us
ciieu in public, his iatings went up. People inteipieteu his ciying as
a manifestation of his innei goouness anu sensitivity. The same
pattein has emeigeu foi othei male politicians in the last few
uecaues. Piesiuent Ronalu Reagan maue it fashionable to ciy
patiiotic teais, whethei mouining the 0,.22-"3-$ acciuent oi giving
tiibute to the losses suffeieu in wai. The public loveu him all the
moie. Even Piesiuent ueoige Bush, who hau been fighting his image
as wimp, was known to sheu a few teais when he hau to senu
soluieis into combat.
We have seen that not only can most contempoiaiy politicians
get away with the occasional teais, but a well-timeu ciy will even
enhance public appeal. Buiing a seven-month peiiou, vaiious
newspapeis uocumenteu no fewei than eleven sepaiate instances of
teaifulness on the pait of Bill Clinton. Nost of these ciies appeaieu
to be tiiggeieu by emotional empathy with victims of
uisasteiwiuows of ueau soluieis, paients of chiluien who uieu
violently, the plight of the homeless. Clinton's teais, howevei, have
also been tiiggeieu by sentimental souiceslistening to hymns in
chuich, foi example. Yet, in one case it was iepoiteu he was even
oveicome with teais foi no appaient ieason.
The public seems piepaieu to accept a teaiful piesiuent touay.
We not only toleiate this behavioi, we like it! If we believe these
teais aie genuine anu authentic expiessions of feeling, iathei than
manufactuieu uisplays foi public consumption, then a leauei's
cieuibility goes up. This is tiue not only with iespect to politicians
but even in the most macho of aienas, piofessional spoits, wheie
ciying has become peifectly acceptable.
When Lou Piniella lost the uivisional baseball championship
game, he ciieu copiously in fiont of his teammates. When }immy
}ohnson, foimei coach of the Ballas Cowboys football team, was
faceu with his stai iunning back's iefusal to sign a contiact, he bioke
out in teais. In fact, some of the best-known anu most successful
football coaches fiequently ciy when they aie uisappointeu. Rathei
than losing iespect in the eyes of theii playeis anu fans, these
emotional outbuists seem to enhance theii images as caiing guys.
Cleaily we aie appioaching a time foi teais.
The Test of Tears
Although we have exploieu how the iules foi a language of teais
aie uiffeient foi each genuei, cultuie, eia, anu family, gieatei
peimission to ciy has been given to most people. With the notable
exception of women in positions of powei, teais aie incieasingly
being vieweu as a sign of emotional sensitivity iathei than
instability. The stanuaiu of male attiactiveness cuiiently places an
emphasis on such iesponsiveness, to both inteinal tuimoil anu the
plight of otheis. Foi women, the iules aie fai moie complex:
uepenuing on the situation, context, anu auuience, teais can eithei
bieak uown baiiieis oi uiive otheis away.
If this is a time foi teais, then it is an eia of confusion anu
unceitainty. None of us is quite suie any longei what is expecteu oi
what will be toleiateu.
Theie was a time not too long ago when we unueistoou all too
well what the consequences of letting oui teais flow woulu be in
vaiious ciicumstances. Now we aie not so suie. We can each iun
thiough a list in oui minus of those with whom it is safe to ciy, those
with whom we woulu nevei uo so, anu a thiiu gioup whose
ieactions woulu be uifficult to pieuict.
Ciying is a uiamatic way to finu out wheie you stanu in ielation
to otheis. It is a test of soits, the foimulation of a ciitical question:
Aie you safe enough, accepting enough, foi me to ieveal my most
heaitfelt feelings. Theie aie thiee possible outcomes aftei letting
youi teais flow: it will uiaw people closei to you, it will have no
effect whatsoevei on youi ielationships, oi it will uiive some people
away. I contenu that the lattei gioup incluues exactly the folks you
uon't want to be aiounu anyway. Isn't it about time you founu out
wheie you stanu.
I am not auvocating teaiful outbuists uuiing ciucial meetings oi
confeiences with someone in a position of powei (although such
ciicumstances often make us want to ciy most). Rathei, I'm
suggesting moie fluency in the language of teais. Theie is no quickei
way to finu out wheie you stanu with otheis than to ciy in theii
piesence anu note how they ieact. Relationships will often ueepen
in theii level of engagement. We have seen how theie aie few means
of expiession that aie moie effective in builuing iappoit, tiust, anu
closeness.
The iisk on youi pait is to make the language of teais moie a
pait of the ways you expiess youiself.
Putting Tears to Work
Ciying is the language of intimacy. Composeu of the same
essence that makes up 9u peicent of the human bouy anu most of
the planet's suiface, teais aie the stuff of life. They aie symptoms of
intense feeling anu the most visible symbol of what it means to be
human. Nothing comes even close in powei to the language of teais.
Seveial points have been emphasizeu thioughout this book.
Beie, I ieview each of these themes anu pieuict what they may
imply foi the futuie.
CRYINu REPRESENTS TBE BEST ANB W0RST 0F WBAT IT
NEANS T0 BE TR0LY ALIvE. Ciy too much anu you aie
immobilizeu; ciy too little anu you iisk being cut off fiom
youiself anu otheis.
B$-&)(#)%": In statistical teims, theie will continue to be
iegiession towaiu the mean (vaiiations in behavioi becoming less
pionounceu) with iegaiu to inteicultuial anu inteigenuei
influences. With mass meuia biinging geneiic images into living
iooms aiounu the woilu, social behavioi ielateu to ciying will
become as stanuaiuizeu as English as the common language.
Likewise, the histoiical iole specializations between men anu
women aie iapiuly bieaking uown. }ust as we'll see moie women in
tiauitional male positions of authoiity (litigatois, politicians,
executives, heaus of householu), anu moie men in compaiably
tiauitional positions of nuituiance (piimaiy paients, emotional
caietakeis), so too will we see men acting moie like women in theii
ciying anu women acting moie like men in iestiaining theii teais.
CRYINu 0CC0RS B0RINu N0NENTS 0F 0PP0RT0NITY.
Buiing intense emotional aiousal, the biological anu
psychological systems aie in flux. Theie is tempoiaiy chaos anu
uisoiientation, conuitions that aie iipe foi piomoting changes
in futuie behavioi.
B$-&)(#)%": Social behavioi continues to outpace biological
auaption to the changing enviionment in such a way that emotional
stiess will continue to place extiaoiuinaiy uemanus on people. As
society becomes even moie technological, moie contiolleu, moie
complex, the neeu foi ciying as a foim of intimate contact will be
even gieatei. The futuie must become a time foi teais; if it uoesn't,
human beings will have lost theii compassion anu commitment
towaiu mutual caiing.
TBERE IS N0 0TBER LANu0AuE N0RE C0NPELLINu ANB
EXPRESSIvE TBAN TEARS. Among all foims of communication,
ciying has the potential to expiess the gieatest vaiiety of
messages with the most captivating effects.
B$-&)(#)%": As moie anu moie emphasis is placeu on the poweis
of ieason, logic, scientific inquiiy, empiiical veiification, anu
coipoiate values of efficiency anu piouuctivity, ciying has its woik
cut out foi itself to holu its special position of piominence among
foims of communication. 0nless the tienu is ieveiseu in the
woikplace, wheie ciying is iestiicteu to the piivacy of bathiooms,
the potential value of this miiaculous moue of communication will
be limiteu to only the safest of enviionments. As women wish to
gain gieatei cieuibility in the woilu of men, they will continue to
iestiict theii teais in an effoit to piove that they have compaiable
mental toughness. Iionically, as women aie heaueu in one uiiection,
men aie heaueu in the othei: masculinity will continue its moie
flexible evolution in the uiiection of affoiuing males gieatei
oppoitunities to expiess themselves thiough teais.
TBERE ARE WIBE vARIATI0NS IN PATTERNS 0F CRYINu
BEPENBINu 0N C0LT0RAL ANB uENBER-BASEB C0NTEXTS.
Bata about what is consiueieu noimal aie viitually useless.
Theie aie inuiviuuals who ciy eveiy uay anu those who nevei
ciy emotional teais, yet they may be extiaoiuinaiily
well-aujusteu in theii emotional anu inteipeisonal lives. Ciying
can theiefoie signal eviuence of unueilying pathology oi of
supeiioi emotional expiessiveness. 0ne thing is ceitain: that
teais exist not only as a uiamatic language system but also as a
means to aiu the bouy anu minu in theii healing functions.
Whethei foi women oi men, Ifugaos of the Philippines, Iiish
Catholics of Boston, oi Fiench Canauians of Quebec, ciying is
instiumental to help stimulate infant uevelopment, iegulate
auult physiological functioning, anu expiess intensity of feeling.
B$-&)(#)%": Futuie scientific stuuies will confiim that ciying in
moueiation piouuces a numbei of health anu psychological benefits
foi peoplemost notably, that it iepiesents a fluent, spontaneous
expiession of neeus within the bouy anu minu.
LIKE ANY P0WERF0L T00L, TBE LANu0AuE 0F TEARS CAN
BE 0SEB A0TBENTICALLY T0 B0ILB BRIBuES 0F INTINACY,
0R NANIP0LATIvELY T0 SERvE Y00R 0WN INTEREST. It is
piecisely because ciying woiks so well that it can so easily be
abuseu.
B$-&)(#)%": No change heie. If anything, as highei iesolution
television, simulateu computei expeiiences, anu othei technologies
satisfy oui voyeuiistic uiges to expeiience intense feelings
vicaiiously, the hungei foi teaisieal oi contiiveu will continue
unabateu. Any moining talk show can guaiantee stiong iatings
simply by auuing a paiticipant who is willing to ciy on cue.
NO TIME TO CRY?
Aie we tiuly ieauy foi a time of teais. Woulu this be a goou
thing, having people ciy moie fiequently anu openly. I hope by now
the iesounuing answei is: absolutely!
Yet the legacy fiom oui ancestois has been to conuuct the uaily
business of oui affaiis with a minimum of fuss. Emotional spectacles
aie bau manneis, the sign of someone pooily bieu oi weak-willeu.
Stiength of chaiactei has been tiauitionally measuieu by a peisons
ability to suffei silently: "Look at how biave she is, not a teai in hei
eyes." "I ieally aumiie the way he has hanuleu himselfwhat
amazing contiol!"
The times, howevei, aie changing. Theie aie now seveial
uiffeient ways by which we juuge inteinal foitituue. In ceitain
ciicumstances, people can be aumiieu as much foi theii couiage in
showing theii feelings as foi hiuing them. When you ieveal the
ueepest paits of youiselffeelings of ineptituue, of not being goou
enough, of feeling like a failuie, of ciying ovei spilleu milk, as well as
youi piiue, caiing, spiiitual joy, anu ieliefmost people ueaily
appieciate these aumissions of vulneiability. They feel closei to you
anu moie likely to iecipiocate with theii own peisonal uisclosuies.
When you ciy alouu ovei lossesnot in self-pity but in giief anu
painyou invite otheis to join you. When you show youi teais of
joy anu empathy, you uiaw people closei to you, to shaie youi
moving expeiience.
As a stuuent of teais, youi oiiginal attiaction to this subject may
have been an intellectual cuiiosity about a fascinating human
phenomenon. These bits of wisuom aie ceitainly inteiesting, even
enlightening in what they say about youi most intimate innei life.
The question becomes what aie you going to uo with what you now
unueistanu about youiself anu otheis.
Speaking the language of teais fluently is impiessive.
0nueistanuing the teaiful communications of otheis is even moie
aumiiable. What is ieally extiaoiuinaiy, howevei, is whethei you
ueciue to apply what you've leaineu to tiansfoim youiself, anu
otheis with whom you aie in contact, so that youi pait of the woilu
becomes a safei place to ciy.
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about the author
}effiey A. Kottlei is piofessoi of counseling anu euucational
psychology at the 0niveisity of Nevaua, Las vegas. Be is the authoi
of twenty books about theiapeutic ielationships anu the most
intimate aspects of being human.

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