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Publisher, Exec. Editor, Graphic Design,
Mag Layout, ALL Swear words and
general all round perversions
Mick Hart
Marketing/Sales/Accounts/Tea
Angela Hart
Illustration/Cartoons/Southern Humour
Tony Neighbour
Chief Correspondent UK
Darren Sherlock
NO BULL Official Photographer &
USA Representative
Eric Freimanis
Contributors
Mick Hart
Ron Ball
David Gentle
Darren Sherlock
Marshall Brown BSc
Richard Errington
Darryl Selby
Mike Mitchell
Dayo Audi
Les Bailey
CytochromeC
Marcel Apfel
Laurence Keen
Christian Breyer
Richy Troth
Lou Ravelle
Gary Wheat
Roger Noon (IBFA)
Cover Picture
The BULL & Bin Ladens Ass!
The No Bull Collection is published by MICK HART TRAINING SYSTEMS and is distributed purely by that company - totally! All rights reserved and all articles published in this magazine auto-
matically become the sole property of said magazine. Please note that the opinions and views of any article submitted to the NO BULL are not necessarily those of the Editor. Anyone wishing to
send in anything to publication are welcome, publication is of course at the editors decision. The magazine does not accept responsibility for those who do not warm up well before ANY of the exer-
cises given herein. Use your heads a little. We assume that all people are of a fit and healthy nature but if in doubt, have a chat with your local G.P. before having a go. All stacks that are to be
featured in future publications are given soley as information purposes and we are not stating in any way shape or form that they have to be followed and are given purely for whats happening out
there purposes.
4 Bodybuildings Last
Stand - Short, sharp & to
the point
5 Harry The Legend
Griffiths - IBFA join the
BULL with Roger Noon
6 Are YOU Commited?
Are you!
8 Boozing!
Cyto at his boozing best.
10 Hart 2 Hart
Classic bollocks with style
14 TARA!
Growwwwwwwwwwl.
15 PScarb!
In shape!
16 MASS & Strength
Solid tips from Marshall
20 NABBA Scottish
A great turn out!
24 Of Judging &
Growing
Ron Ball - two subjects.
28 Starting Out
From the beginning....
32 StrengthMonster
Introducing
34 Lou Ferrigno
Great stuff from David
Gentle - again!
38 The Silver Surfer
I luv it!
The
& No Bollocks Team
contents
Bodybuildings
Mick Harts NBC - 4
Last and only Last and only T TR RU UE E Stand! Stand!
America Attacked!
By the time that you will have got this issue, much will
have been done and said about the horrific attack on the
U.S.A. and the tragic loss of life that happened back in
September. All that I can do is to express our deepest
sadness and sincerest condolonies to those families who
lost loved ones. I am so sorry for your losses as I am of
those of our fellow contrymen. You should all know,
Americans, Brits and all who lost good people, that we
are with you - no worries. God Bless you all!
As for the NO BULLs response - we think that you are the
most cowardly, shit faced bastards that the world has
ever known. Death is to good for fuck ups like you.
Anyone who can kill innocent people and laugh and
dance in the streets and enjoy it needs a Tomahawk
Cruise Missile up their big fat rag headed arses! That is
all the BULL can say. It is enough I feel.
with Mick Hart
To Peter Lindop:
With sincere respects, I am sorry to say with great sadness
that the son of Peter Lindop, a close friend and respected
member of the NO BULL, has recently died. I know it has
been some time, but I feel that it is the respectful thing to
do. I would like to take this sad opportunity to offer our
deepest condoloncies and to say that our thoughts are and
always will be with you and your family - our friends. God
Bless and stay strong.
Hi Guys & Gals,
The mag? Packed out or what! But at least not
packed with adverts eh? (Fucking wish it was
though). Anyhow, we are still plugging on and will
continue to - be assured. This issues Last Stand -
a little shorter cos it is so full, but I am sure that you
lot can handle that. Maybe we can make the mag a
little bigger, 20 pages longer, full colour and 2.00
cheaper eh? - yeah and my nob hits my ankles on a
regular basis - I agree - dream on! Shit we are skint
enough as it is! I had to make my own cuppa tea
this morning we are so skint even the furcking rats
have left a piss off note and gone elsewhere and
the window cleaner wont do the windows unless we
borrow him a cloth! Twat! Only kidding, at least we
will eat this month - the RAT that thought it was leav-
ing! Hang in there good people, weeeeeesssssa
coming through!
Nice to see new faces in the mag eh? DARREN
SHERLOCK is a twat, but one of the nicest twats
around; he is a new writer with a lot to say. Rolls
funny fags too - BIG STYLE! But I am sure that you
will find his articles interesting. He will be covering
the 2001 Olympia for the BULL this year. Look for-
ward to that. Welcome my friend.
Hope to see more guys and girls in articles like the
PAUL SCARBOROUGH and HAROLD GRIFFITHS
additions. Nice one lads - proud of ya! Also a warm
welcome to ROGER NOON, British President of the
IBFA, more from him in future issues. Nice to have
you along me old cock sparrra! Last but certainly
not least, my good mates MIKE MITCHELL & DAYO
AUDI - glad to have you along as a regulars now
mate. Yea - Scotland the Brave! Great show guys.
www.mickhart.com
The amazing thing about the net is that it can bring about
an amazing amount of frienship and loyalty. I for one have
found that out personally. My web site has produced a kind
of closeness and loyalty that can be seen as second to
none. The NO BULL has been through some shit times I
can tell you and to be honest, it has not stopped - dont
expect it will. But the fact that my friends and I on the Board
from ALL over the world have banded together and the NO
BULL BOYS was born. What a great bunch of guys and
gals. My sincere respects and thanks to you all for all that
you have said and done these last few months. Thankyou.
If you are interested in joining us, please log on and follow
the on screen details. We certainly would be glad to have
you join us. By the way, the BULL goes international in
about a week or so. People from ALL over the world will be
able to buy the magazine at the same rates as it is over
here. Cannot wait! Shit, I might be able to eat soon!
Yeeeeeehaaaaaaaaa! Pea soup again!!!! Your A Model? Cool!!, Im a Chippendale Dancer, I also race
speed boats, whats your scene?
Mick Harts NBC - 5
TRIUMPHS IN THE IBFA EUROPE VENUE-- SAPRI ITALY
On this hot July
night 70 year old
Harry Griffiths at
last had a category
that he could com-
pete fairly in, the
over 50s. Before
you all turn over
saying this does
not interest. Well it
should. For those
who do not know
Harry, he is one of
body-buildings
gentlemen. He has
been training and
competing since
God knows when. Always being the bridesmaid and never the bride, if you will
excuse the pun Harry? Tonight he stood on stage to be rightly crowned the IBFA
Senior Mr EUROPE.
Harry was part of the British team here to compete against Europes finest.
Unfortunately two other competitors who qualified by winning their respective cate-
gories in this years International Pendle Valley did not make the flight. This left
Cleethorpes Tracy Thomson to pick up the baton for Britain in the Ms Figure
Category alone. Although Tracy had already won this contest two years ago, and is
World Class, she was still willing to put her reputation on the line and compete
against a fantastic line up of girls. Including for the first time, one from Lithuania. I
thought that Tracy had by far the best shape on stage but was just out on condition.
Unfortunately this was what the judges went for and awarded her third place. But we
still had some BIG GUNS up our sleeves!
For those who dont know, this annual contest takes place in the open air, at night, right next to the beach. It runs over three
nights, and is watched by hundreds of tourists. It is featured on both National TV, and in National newspapers. Organised by
Professor Biagio Filizola, President of the INTERNATIONAL BODY-BUILDING & FITNESS ASSOCIATION, it certainly is a superb
occasion.
Anyway, on the first night we were treated to a strength exhibition by some of Biagios best pupils. Then on stage came one of
Britains strongest men. The Massive Mal Kay. Lined up on the Promenade was a huge Truck, which Mal was going to attempt to
tow. After one or two attempts and watched by this huge crowd, nothing had moved. Then on the third attempt Mal set off, and
there was no stopping him now. He towed the truck a full 50 metres, wow! Mal followed this with a superb display of dead lifting,
only stopping when Biagio literally ran out of weights to load the bar.
How do you follow that? With enormous Trevor Chrouch of course. Trevor was crowned Mr Europe here two years ago at 17
stone. He was a sensation then, but now, invited back as the guest star, he came on stage at a ripped 21 stone. The audience
went wild. They had never seen anything like this.
Both Mal and Trevor did Britain proud, they were treated like celebrities, and have guaranteed themselves lots of guest spots in
the future. The next one being in Lanzarotti at the IBFA WORLD this coming November. If you wish to join us as part of the British
team, are of a sufficient high standard, and want FREE accommodation whilst you compete, then why not contact me for details.
Roger Noon British President IBFA 01282 863419
The Legend
Harold The Legend Griffiths
T Team S.I.S. at the IBF eam S.I.S. at the IBFA W A World in France. orld in France.
Micks Note: This is what the BULL is all about - I want to see more of this. My compli-
ments to ALL the S.I.S team. Sorry lads, no more room for more pics but next time I prom-
ise. Absolutely shit hot turnout I thought!
I have often thought about what it really takes to be a bodybuilder. Guts and sheer commitment, that is
what the answer is to be honest. There is no other way. A part of your life is the way it has to be, only
then can you even think that success may be a part of that Light at the end of the tunnel.
I suppose commitment is a word to some people. To me, it is something that sits on my shoulders every
day of my life - it is like that of my family. To be able to commit yourself to a project needs strength the
likes of you will never know unless you are prepered to commit yourself to a life of, what basically can be
in some ways sheer pain WITH commitment.
Your whole life is centered around bodybuilding, you ask yourself
is it worth it. I say yes for what it brings and gives to me. You
have to be prepared for anything, school PA meetings, xmas
nativity plays, you name it, it happens, all have to be either
attended or in my case missed on some occassions. It is sadly
a way of life a part of the score card.
So what are the benefits of such a life of commitment? Well,
even if you are not competing professionaly, but training for a
better physique, the commitment has to be the same if you want
to get anywhere in this game. I enjoy the strenght and confi-
dence that I have and most certainly the the praise I receive for
it. There are those who think that bodybuilders try to intimidate
others in some cases I suppose some do, but if others feel intim-
idated when it is not actually projected towards them then that is
just tough shit! Like the saying says, Keep up or get the fuck
outta my way! I can relate to that even though I just made it up!
I suppose the fact that the sense of disipline that one has to
impose on ones self on a day to day basis gives a kinda kick to
the proceedings. This is so true when the fat shit down the pub
who is happy with his way of life, always seem to try and pull your
way of doing things down. That is the way things go and I have no problems with the way they do things
but keep the fuck out of my life if you are not prepared to go the whole hog! Stay fat as far as Im con-
cerned.
Do you have to go at it 100%? Well it really all depends on just how far you want to go, but think about
it even if you want to be a little in shape, even then there still really should be quite a lot of commitment
involved.
The question most asked of me on a day to day basis is I want to get big but I want to be ripped to the
bone. Basically they are saying they dont know what the hell they want, but do one or the other. You
see, in order to get big, you have to eat big and accept the fact that you will put on some fat, that is
inevitable, but you cannot pile it on one day and take it off the next, now come on! Commit yourself to
one or the other, make the choice and stick to it. Doing that will give you the start you need.
So lets say that you have decided to get ripped. What do you do, where do you begin? Well for a start,
you have to make sure that your training is designed to get you ripped or rather burn off fat, yet still pro-
c
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t
:
:
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r
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e
e
a
a
d
d
y
y
?
?
Sticky shoulders and chaffing shorts can be
a problem when you are so, er, commited
Mick Harts NBC - 6
duce muscle. This can be done but you have to remember that you
will not get massive - ripped yes but not massive. Make sure you
are clear on that.
The training must cover (as always) all bodyparts for balance, reps
in the region of 12-15 throughout and very short rest periods
between sets. Five days per week training at least one bodypart per
day. At least a couple of days per week, additional cardio vascular
work really should be added. Personally I suggest bag training - a
great way of getting rid of excess pounds. And for a few quid from
your local Argos - a snitch too. 3 x 2-3 minute rounds, timed will get
the sweat running out of any forehead and you will be that much
faster in a brawl too! - NICE
DIET
This has to be fairly high protein with low to medium carbs. It has
to be - we are trying to burn off excess fat by using more than we are
consuming. Result - Low fat high definition = RIPPED! On the other
side of the coin, getting BIG. The opposite has to happen.
Training has to be that much slower but it still can be 5 days per week, but I would suggest four which
would be about right, although for many and this will vary and has to be figured out first. Are you a fast
metabolism - or slow? If fast, 3 days would be more than adequate so long as the training done is hard
and extreme when in the gym. This is so important as the muscle has to be trained , broken down and
then given the time to recover - hence the 4 days rest in that one week training.
So many people underestimate the 3 days system dismissing it as a system far under par to the 5 and 6
day split systems many use today. But the many don't get anywhere anyway so how's that for a bag of
apples as well - unbelievers? Or should I say small unbelievers!
Commiting yourself to the three day system and holding to it will - without doubt give results beyond your
wildest dreams. One guy who will back that up is my old mate David Gentle - he is a total believer in the
three day system. Send him a few quid and he will set you up with a beauty - I can guarantee that. That
guy knows his stuff without doubt - me too but David is the BEST guy for teaching the basics and getting
results (er, me a close second).
YOUR PLAN
Understanding what you want to do from the start and staying with that plan until the desired result is
achieved is the first step to success. After that, the rest is easy - well almost.
There is no other way around it. It is a matter of doing what is advised or basically fucking it in the head
- it is that simple.
You want results? You want to succeed? Then you have to pre-
pare yourself for what is going to be hard work - no other way
mate! No one said that bodybuilding was going to be easy.
Those that did are either fat, far out or totally 100% LIARS!
There can only be one - YOU!
DONT for get the nolvadex for Gods sake!
You could lose your head!?
PHOTOS by: Fucked if I know!
Mick Harts NBC -7
Sometimes we cant avoid them. We scream and shout and gnash our teeth but boozing is such
a deep-rooted part of our culture that on such momentous occasions as Stag doos or 21st
Birthdays we just HAVE to do it.
But we can minimize the risks and disruption to our otherwise healthy body building lifestyle
Quick tip for a boozy weekend is most importantly keep the hydration levels real high!
So drink lots of fluids. Try making something like the WHO oral re-hydration sachet formula with
a half litre of water add about 200ml orange juice then add a quarter teaspoon of salt and about
5 tablespoons of sugar!
This gives about the same salt and potassium and
sugars as the stuff given to kids in third world coun-
tries to replace water lost with diarrhea. It may be a
bit too salty to taste nice so you can always make it
weaker by making it up to a litre volume with more
water and then just swigging it over longer time.
Or if you dont like the taste then just get lucozade
sport (not the dreadful lucozade energy which is all
glucose and caffeine and sunset yellow colouring
and will kill you if youve got a hangover). Try mixing in half a teaspoon of glycerin as well to the
1000ml to make you hold more of the water.
A friend of mine who was a medic in the Israeli army would sleep with a
drip in to rehydrate and a catheter bag so they didnt have to keep nipping
to the loo! Not recommended even if you are Ronnie Coleman.
Stopping headaches
I prefer Neurophen Plus as the ibuprofen is best for headaches as it helps
reduce the swelling of the meninge membranes around the brain which
get annoyed with all the nasty booze you batter Mr Brain with. Ibuprofen
is better than aspirin as an anti-inflammatory and headache cure. One
study said its up to 200 times more effective for pain relief. Dont exceed recommended
dosages.
Dont take Solpadine or anything with Caffeine in it if your hung over as you will get more dehy-
drated. (So drinking black coffee the morning after will seem pleasant at the time but 30 mins
later you will be much worse). If youre taking almost any steroids anyway you will be holding a
bit more body water than usual. (Unless your taking diuretics as well. In which case stop taking
them immediately if youre going to be boozing).
As you retain more sodium when on most steroids you shouldnt get hang-overs quite as bad as
other people anyway. Hurrah for steroids! But dont drink too often when on steroids as its added
stress to the system. Besides which Alcohol can cause estrogen levels to rocket. NOT what you
want if youre a Body builder and just one of many good reasons to cut out drinking all together.
Oh and if youve still got some alcohol in your blood when you wake up and take the Neurophen
Plus the codeine in it will make your head swim and go hhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmm
So you have been warned but it will help take the pain away.
Mick Harts NBC -8
Whats next?
Oh yeah liver protection.
I wouldnt drink ANY booze if taking any oral
17c alkylated orals like D-Bol anyway. If your
taking Parabolan or Tren be even more care-
ful as they stress the kidneys. Double your
water intake straight away. If taking any other
steroids just go easy on your liver as well and
dont be a booze hero.
You should be taking Milk Thistle and EPO
anyway. Increase dosages. Get some
Choline (in egg yolks!) also to help your liver.
You can get plain choline tablets for hardly
anything nowadays.
A great tip is to drink loads of fructose before and after boozing (either get the powder from your
chemist or drink plenty of apple juice as its the fruit with highest fructose content
anyway). This helps the liver with its energy stores. Oh but word of warning,
Dont just eat a load of fructose if you have never taken it before as you may get
the shits. Build up to it for a few days.
Lots of vit C (of course) and take lots and lots and lots of whey protein at every
opportunity (with plenty of liquids so you dont get dehydrated)
One reason why people say greasy full English breakfast in the morning is a cure
for hangover isnt so much the grease I suspect but the protein will contain an
amino acid called Methionine which gets given some stick in your liver when you
booze. (And lots of salt!) So take extra to replace it. In OZ you could get
Methionine powder on its own from Musahi. Its worth investing in a tub for liver
maintenance if you really really have to give the booze some stick. Oh and taking
paracetamol lowers Methionine (and can raise estrogen) so thats another reason why I am more
in favor of Ibuprofen preparations after boozing rather than paracetamol tablets.
If you have money to spare you can take NAC capsules but taking whey protein and the high
amount of Methionine it contains will do you just as good and its a lot cheaper. There isnt much
Methionine in Soya so dont use that and use more whey instead
Things to do while boozing to limit damage?.
When youre boozing eat salty stuff and also keep drinking water as well.
Sneak to the bar and ask for a pint of water every so often and drink that
quickly when your tough mates arent looking. Or even wander to the bogs
with your pint in your hand, poor it away and fill it up with water and drink it
quick before they spot what youre doing. Also if its dark, pints of shandy look
uncannily like pints of beer to the untrained eye.
Drink glasses of orange juice and add a load of ice cubes at the bar and tell
everyone its full of vodka? (Grimace a lot while drinking and saw Wow thats
strong! and they may believe you..)
Dont worry too much about a few days of missing protein intake and proper nutrition, you will
bounce back.
Good luck if you do have the severe misfortune of simply HAVING to go on a boozy weekend
when youre training hard. Just survive it and get back on track as quickly as possible.
Oh, and have some fun as well! : )
Mick Harts NBC - 9
Hi Mick,
That was one hell of an article on Anadrol 50 mate. Personally at 45 I've just in the middle of my first cycle
since College Football in the Big 10 in 1974 through 1976 when both knees went and I couldn't walk and
I had to give up something that I had been doing since 7th grade. I was in an auto accident in 1982 due
too a drunken driver going the wrong way on the interstate. I was leery about doing a cycle from a wheel-
chair but got some great advice from some of the guys and then a professor of metabolic and physiolog-
ical changes with A.A.S. medications. I started a 8 week cycle with the infamous dbol at 40mg a day and
now starting week 3 introduced 50 mg of Winny ever other day and to tell you the truth I'm having a lot of
fun.
The wreck left me paralyzed from the neck down. At first I couldn't lift my arm and if I could have I at the
time would have put a bullet right through my head. After 3 months of extensive rehab in Inglewood CO
I started lifting without steroids. Very very small gains but I kept up the natural process with supplements
for weight because I lost about 100 lbs in the hospital. Then my friends built a gym in my basement know-
ing that bench press well most everything. Slowly things started coming around. Pretty soon I was lift-
ing 20 lbs with the dumbbells and then I started thinking about using what the Good Lord left me to the ut-
most. now in the middle of my first cycle in over 20 years and I'm getting some good gains without risking
much because I naturally drink over a gallon of water a day. I drink high proteins shakes and eat meat,
chicken, anything with protein and I take one day out of the week and eat mashed potatoes, Fried chick-
en, vegetables, fruit, things that because of colitis I have got to be careful. Your an inspiration to me and
have been throughout my lifting days. And that's more than most are told.
I did take a long break though and fell into a deep depression and had to sell my Harley-Davidsons, two
of them. They were my babies. Now I want to tell you briefly that life has given me a chance at being a
father and referee! Ha Ha! My boy is 14 and 5'10" and about 150 lbs so I see genetics. My wife is 6'
and I'm 6'1" and about 250 lbs right now. I believe that the water weight retention is probably gone hope-
fully and what I've got I deserve.
Well Mick you have always been a big part of my life because your somebody who really took the time
and effort to know your sport. When I went to College the trainers and Drs. had the rigs in the locker pre-
loaded with oral on the side. Plus it was all legal. Now we have to watch are kids from ecstasy, P.C.P.,
meth and crack now they want to bust us. I don't get it. Take care my friend. I plan on another cycle with
some Sus, and a few other's but I also know that I'm getting older but I don't feel older. From a friend who
admires your stability, knowledge, hard hard work, work didn't put me in this chair some drunk that is still
out there still drinking and driving from what I here. One sweet day his ass will be mine. Thanks for every-
thing Mick.
Your friend, Tanner.
2
2
hart
heart
Mick Harts NBC - 10
UGOT A QUESTION? U GOT A PROBLEM? LETS HAVE IT THEN!
Mick Harts NBC - 11
Want FULL or CLASSIFIED Advertising space in the NO BULL? If so, please contact
Angie on: (01246) 811013 where she will be happy to assist. However, if you dont think
our mag is good enough to advertise with - then please go fuck yourself stupid!
Dear Tanner,
You have more balls than many I know who are not
in chairs my old mate. For someone to have drive
and determination such as yourself makes it even
more awe inspiring to me personally and makes my
workouts seem that little bit easier mate. You have
my sincerest best wishes and admiration.
I get phone calls from losers who cannot grasp the
simple fact that you only get out of life what you put
into it and training is a big part of said life my friend.
You have already overcome the hardest battle and
that is to not give up. It is I who admires YOUR hard
work sir - without doubt.
Dear Mick,
I am 58 years old and have been training for 40
years - never taken any gear! I still train hard and
quite heavy, I am 5' 11' 100kg. As you can imagine
I am starting to get some discomfort during training
especially elbows and found it more difficult to maintain the same muscularity even with a good diet and
cardio work.
I have read your book (Laymans Guide), seen the video and subscribed to NO Bull mag, which I found
informative and amusing. However because of my age I am more curious about steriods, and although
I have read your cycle for the older man there are certain aspects of it that I am unsure about.
1. I notice you did not include Deca? Would this not help my joint problem? How much - 200mg per
week?
2. You highly recommended Andriol (I like the wet woobine analogy!) but some sites on the net suggest
that it is uneffective - I know that has not been your experience!
3. Why do you recommend Testoviron instead of for example sustanon for the older man? How much
250mg per week?
I would like to try a cycle, and would appreciate your advice. I am sorry to ask so many questions but I
simply like to understand what I am taking and how it works also over the years I have seen the side
affects in various gyms of over use or abuse, and being older have concerns about my prostate health
and coming off cycle without adverse affects.
yours sincerely
Drew Davidson
Hey Drew,
First of all, thanks for subscribing - it helps believe me mate. As for the joint problems, yes I know, I have
the same problems and deca will indeed help - a lot. It would be no problem to add the deca to the older
mans cycle, but I did not put it in for any other reason but there are so many cycles that will work for WE
older man.
As for your age, taking gear is easier really the older you are as I have said many times we lose the high
levels of natural testosterone as we get older. Using gear only boost those levels back to normal really.
Great for feeling younger too! The side effects thing is greatly reduced and even taken out when the prop-
er dosages and systems are used. As for Deca, in that stack I would suggest 200mg every fifth day to be
honest with one of those shots being put into the same syringe as the first shot of testoviron. The reason
I say testoviron on this occasion is simple, I find that using test gives me that much more mass and qual-
ity muscle and quality muscle will create more mass thinning the skin as it grows. It works well for me and
does not produce to much water retention if it is not abused. Sustanon gives me great strength gains as
well as mass, but I feel that the test has the edge that little bit more mate.
Andriol? They dont know their fucking arse from their elbows Drew. Why? Because all they want to do
No association at all with any topic here -
I just thnk that he is a TOTAL cunt!
Mick Harts NBC - 12
is use the heaviest, most toxic gears they can in the thought that they
can do it no other way. Twats! If it takes a little bit longer, it does and
Andriol IS known as one of the safest steroids about and it WORKS
believe me. Do we have to use the hardest and most toxic gears - no we dont.
Thats why people using my cycles dont get shit side effects AND they grow - in safety.
Dear Mr. Hart,
My question is regarding those energy bars that are supposed to help you through a workout. The guy at
the gym I go to says that they are perfect for bodybuilders as they contain ALL that is needed for a work-
out. He also tells me that the sugar in these bars is not the same sugar as that which make you fat - is
he right?
I figure that what he tells me is a bit suspect as at 2.50 per bar, I would think that he would say that. Love
the mag - keep up the good work.
Andy Walker,
Nottingham
Dear Mr. Walker,
You have answered it yourself mate - of course he would say that; at that price he would! The sugar in
those bars is sugar - plain and simple. Whether it is white or brown, it is sugar and if you take to much,
you will get fat I can guarantee that.
I agree that they will help you get through a workout but they are only as good as say a bagel! I know the
convenience is there but dont be fooled. Researchers at a state university in the States did some
research on bars like these and found that you can get exactly the same amount of energy from a bagel
as from an energy bar. There was no difference in the tests. Personally, some of the shit that I have tast-
ed over the years is just that - shit! Cardboard would be a
good description to be honest. No disrespect to you mate, but
some people can be fooled so bad that if an advert said that
having a wank with a sticky glove dipped in broken glass
would work - there would be a helluva lot of bloody nobs
around, I think that you would agree.
I would say, take some pasta and egg in a plastic container for
before and afte training, or even better, baked potatoes cold
are a great source of carbs!
Dear Mick,
What is the crack with this injectable silicone stuff? What does
it actually do? I have heard that it swells the area up or some-
thing and can increase the size in a matter of hours. What is
it all about and have I got it right? If it works that well, is it safe
to have a go if it works that well?
My calves have always been a little under par and so have my
pecs. Can you inject into these areas safely?
D. Kaplinsky,
Co.Durham
The No Bull Collection
Totally Independant Totally Loyal
PROUD
PROUD
I disagree with Mick totally; energy bars work
for ME!
TOP TIP:
Feed directly into Japs eye!
Dear D,
I think that you have them mixed up mate. I will explain. The silicone thing
can be done in two ways. First, as with boobs, they can implant it into vir-
tually any bodypart to make it look instantly bigger - even in your dick! Ouch But
to be honest, those who complain about gear and then have silicone type rubber implants on top of their
muscles are total twats! That is cheating and TRUE! Shit, even with gear you have to train your balls of
and then some to get results. Instant muscles - to fucking right they are. Next they will be able to pump
them up to the desired size for any occasion.
As for the ones that increase the muscle size by swelling. Well that is something called Pump n Pose. It
is an injection that is put directly into the mus-
cle part that they are wanting to increase i.e.
biceps, calves etc. It can last for as little as a
few hours to days and longer now I believe.
Competitors stick it in when they have a lag-
ging body part. Personally I think it is a shit
way and usually makes the area look smooth
and in many cases out of proportion. (see
pics).
Years ago there used to be a product called
Essiclene (spelling?) which did the same
thing and when injected made the area swell
up about an inch or more and it had a type of
anaesthetic as part of its break down. It
would have to be for me to use it - even
though I never did! Not a furking prayer
mate. To stick a 2 pin into my arse is bad
enough, to stick it into my BICEP - NOT! I
would sooner stick my head into a lions open
jaws and whip its LOVE SPUDS with a wet towel! Yeah, that much of a chance pal. My opinion? Leave it
well alone, especially the silicone shit. As I have always said mate, once you have put it in - you aint get-
ting it out.
Lift weights - eat good food - sleep a lot and do it all again and again and again. You will find that THAT will
work - guaranteed!
Want to put your points over? Got a question? Got a gripe? Then let us
know. Write to us here at the NO BULL and we will send you a FREE t-
shirt if your letter is printed. If its good, it will be! Send to:
Mick Hart Training Systems, Mail Bag, R/o 7, Barlborough Road, Clowne,
Chesterfield, Derbyshire. S43 4RA
Mick Harts NBC - 13
Delts
Calves
Triceps
Do-Not-Give-A-Shit
BRITISH and most of all...
Tara Caballero
36C-25-35 122lbs
Favorite color?
Blue
Favorite food?
Chocolate covered any-
thing
Favorite cheat food?
More chocolate covered
anything
Your best bodypart?
Brains and Face
What do your typical
meals consist of?
A combination of
protein,carbs and a little
fat. I also like to get a cou-
ple pieces of fruit in a day
and definitely a piece or
two of chocolate!
What do you do to stay in
shape?
I workout in the morn-
ings,about 5 or 6, with any-
where from 30 to 60 mins
of cardio. I also work with
weights and toning exercis-
es. I also like outdoor activ-
ities that keep me moving.
How often do you work-
out?
Cardio, 3-4, maybe even 5
times per week. Weights
and toning exercises at
least 2-3 times a week.
I love kickboxing classes!
Hobbies
Anything outdoors, hikes,
nature walks, tennis and
golf. Right now I'm real
busy working on my site
with photos shoots and
editing and producing. It
really doesn't leave me a
whole lot of time for much
else right now. I do get to
the Humane society to vol-
unteer once or twice per
week for a couple hours at
a time to help out and fulfill
my love for animals. Of
course my favorite hobby is
playing with my best
buddy,my cat Borris!
Do you have a website?
Y e s
www.taracaballeroauthentic.com
Photos by Eric Freimanis
Tara
Tara
Mick Harts NBC - 14 Photos: Eric Freimanis
Mick Harts NBC - 16
In the first article of this series, I summarised the training requirements for building muscle
and strength basically in terms of the types of exercises required, and the intensity of work
needed. In this second piece, I will describe in more detail the workout itself and workout
frequency for the beginning trainee.
Training For The Beginner
When you're first starting out, the first thing
that you have to do before you start training
seriously is to familiarise yourself with the
performance of the exercises that you are
going to use; these should primarily be the
'basic exercises', i.e. compound movements
which allow large groups of muscles to come
into play in concert.
This means that large training
poundages can ultimately be used,
so giving the greatest possible
growth stimulation for the tar-
geted muscle groups. Such
exercises include the barbell
squat, deadlift, bench press,
military press, barbell
rows, T-bar rows etc. It is
vitally important that you
master proper exercise
form in order to avoid
injury and to reap the
greatest benefits from
you're workouts. The
best way to learn good
technique is to ask some-
body who knows what they
are doing to instruct you, or failing
that, you're only recourse is the bodybuilding
literature. I won't go into the specifics of exer-
cise performance here; the basics on this
can be found in any good book on weight-
training, or from a knowledgeable trainer
or training partner. Before you start, it is
also a very good idea to get a full phys-
ical examination from you're doctor if
you are new to strenuous exercise.
The Workout
Once you have mastered exercise
performance, it is time to select the
weights that you will initially be using in
you're first real workout, which will
require a bit of experimentation. First,
warm-up on the chosen exercise using a
weight which you can handle easily for
around ten repetitions. The purpose of
these first couple of sets is to merely
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Mick Harts NBC - 17
increase blood flow to the working muscles and surround-
ing structures to prepare them for the 'work set or sets' to
follow. As a beginner, you should do no more than two
work sets' at the most for each major muscle group
employing a 'basic exercise'. For these sets, choose a
weight that will allow you to perform eight to ten repetitions
in good form; at this stage, don't loosen you're form to get
more reps once you've reached you're target - 'cheating'
form has its place in advanced training, but in the begin-
ning, you will get more than enough growth stimulation
from the method just described.
However, make sure that the weight used for 'work sets' is
heavy enough that it takes effort to complete those eight to
ten reps; remember though that 'heavy' is relative - a
weight that allows you to complete that number of repeti-
tions. An example of a workout that allows you to train all
major muscle groups two to three times a week would be
as follows:
Perform workout two or three times a week, with at least
one rest day between workouts:
Warm up:
THIGHS - Squat: 2 work sets for 8-10 reps (2x8-10)
CALVES - standing calf-raises: warm-up, (2 x 8-10)
CHEST - bench press: warm-up, (2 x 8-10)
BACK - barbell bent-over row: warm-up, (2 x 8-10)
SHOULDERS - military press: warm-up, (2 x 8-10)
ARMS - barbell curls: warm-up, (2 x 8-10)
Lying triceps extensions: warm-up, (2 x 8-10)
Points To Note:
1) Don't put a massive amount of effort into you're warm-up sets; save yourself for the work sets. When you move to
a different exercise, you must do at least one set at a weight lower than you're 'working weight' - don't move straight
to a 'work set', or you risk injury.
2) The above workout should be performed at the most three times a week. Remember, workouts only stimulate the
muscle growth process - you grow when you're body has recovered from the workout (as muscle tissue is damaged
during training). When recovery has taken place, the muscles then 'overcompensate' by growing (hypertrophy) and
becoming stronger, so that they are better able to cope with the workload next time it is imposed. This is a response
to the physical stress of training, and will only occur during periods of rest and recuperation (i.e. when you are not train-
ing).
3) You will only grow if you're diet is adequate - you can't build muscle without supplying enough protein from you're
diet.
4) Since every individual has a different tolerance to exercise, the above workout, if done correctly, may prove too
much in one session. The workout is only an example, and you must ultimately find out what works best for you.
However, as a beginner, it is good to have some training guidelines until you 'know you're body'. If the above is too
much, you could try reducing the work sets on each exercise to one. Alternatively, you could train thighs and calves
on their own, have a day or two of rest, and then train the upper body, and alternate in this fashion.
5) Don't be tempted to do a lot of sets; if you overtrain, you'll not only end up probably feeling ill, you will also put you're
body in a catabolic state (tissue break-down), which means that you're muscles will actually get smaller and become
weaker. 'More' is definitely not better.
6) As you get stronger, and find that you are able to complete more than the target number of reps in strict form, then
you must increase the weight on the bar in order to continue progressing. Increase it so that you are again just able
to complete you're rep target. If you don't continually increase the stress on you're muscles, they will have no further
reason to grow, and you're progress will stop.
7) After you have been training for some time, say six months, you may notice that some areas are progressing in size
for the beginner
Mick Harts NBC - 18
and strength more than others. It is then time to alter you're
training of the lagging body parts to bring them up to par with the
rest of you're physique. You will learn how to do this with expe-
rience; there are countless ways of altering set/rep schemes,
exercises, etc., all of which are involved in intermediate and
advanced training.
Diet
I will cover this in more detail in another article, but for now I'll
give this advice: it is best to consume a diet consisting of
approximately 50-60% carbohydrate (mostly complex carbs.),
30-40% protein, and around 10% fat. Try to stay away from junk
food, and drink plenty of water. To stay fully hydrated is very
important to building muscle tissue - remember, muscle is 70%
water. Protein sources should come from white and red meat,
fish, eggs and other dairy produce. Good carb sources are rice,
pasta, potatoes etc.
If you are also trying to lose bodyfat, you must eat in the above
way, but you must also create a 'caloric deficit' i.e. take in slight-
ly fewer calories than you burn up each day, while training, and
keeping you're protein intake high. In order to work out your
maintenance caloric intake, i.e. the number of calories you need
to take in each day to maintain weight, add up the calories from
everything you have eaten in a seven day period, and divide by
seven during a week in which you're weight has not changed.
This is you're maintenance caloric intake. In order to lose fat,
consume about 300 calories less each day than this figure. In
this way, you will lose bodyfat while maintaining, or perhaps
increasing, your current muscle mass. The addition of some
mild aerobic exercise a couple of times a week will also increase the fat burning process. Once you are happy with
you're bodyfat level, you must then increase your caloric intake in order to gain muscular bodyweight.
If you are initially just trying to add muscular bodyweight, then it is obviously important to eat slightly more than your
maintenance level number of calories per day. Increase slowly, eating good food, and in so doing, determine how much
you need to eat to progress, without putting on large amounts of bodyfat. Remember, though, that it is not possible to
put on large amounts of muscle without adding some bodyfat in the process, which can be periodically removed with
alterations in training and diet, revealing your hard-earned new muscle.
What rate of progress is to be expected?
In the first six months or so, if you do everything right, you should experience quite rapid progress, especially in terms
of strength. However, sooner or later you will hit a plateau where you will have to experiment with your training and
diet in order to make further progress, which is where determination and patience come in. Make no mistake about it,
there is a law of diminishing returns in bodybuilding where the bigger and stronger you get, the harder it is to add fur-
ther strength and muscle mass.
This is why so many trainees lose interest and give up training, because they lack this determination and drive. The
greatest battle that you have in bodybuilding or other strength sport is not with the weights, but with yourself; quite sim-
ply put, if you don't have the guts to push yourself, and the will to be consistent, you won't reach your training goals.
In future articles, I'll cover more advanced training for strength in specific exercises, and dietary considerations. Until
then; go for it!
Photos: Eric Freimanis
Mick Harts NBC - 15
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For years now we have been asking for people to
come through and show the results of their hard work
and be proud enough to show in the great NO BULL.
Here is one guy who is most definitely proud of him-
self - so are we!
You dont have to be a pro, just shit hot proud of what
you have trained for. You dont even have to be a
competitor, we will welcome you anyhow. Remember,
this mag is not only for the knowns, personally I am
all for the unknowns, so come on, get your pics and
stories in!
Introducing 31 year old, Paul Scarborough, a sea-
soned competitor with eight shows under his belt and
has never finished out of the top three except for his
first show which he unfortunately placed last. He cer-
tainly learnt a lot from that first show.
Paul was actually paralyzed from the waist down in
1996 after an accident at work which makes his
achievements all the more amazing for himself and his
family.
He dieted for 14 weeks on high protein, medium carbs,
low fat with liquid carbs and protein straight after
training.
5 5 Tall
On stage 13st 5lbs (187lbs)
Off season 15st 7lbs (217lbs)
Married to Jenny with 2 year old daughter Kiana
Been training for 11 years
Routine - 2 on, 1 off, 2 on, 2 off - old school style
Best lifts 1150 for eight on leg press
Favorite bodypart to train? Chest. Least? Legs!
Incline DB press - 6 reps at 140lbs!
DB press - 6 reps at 110lbs!
Supps? Vit C, L-Glutamine, Whey, MRPs & Creatine
Hardest point of dieting? Four days out when you are
depleted, flat and looking really shit. All you have to
remember is that the last fourteen weeks were for ten
minutes on stage - that makes you feel like Mr. Olympia
no matter where you finish.
Paul was sponsored by a company called Sci-Tec who
backed him all the way. Admirable indeed!
Our compliments and thanks to Paul for his contribution
to the NO BULL. We think that he looked amazing. It is
hoped that we can see many more of you here in the
BULL. Get those pictures to us asap and no it doesnt
matter if you have competed or not. Be proud of your-
self! We would be honoured to feature you here!
Mick Harts NBC - 19
This book will
SHOCK
SHOCK you! Its supposed to!
I was to choked to reply by phone after reading your book.
I lived with an alchoholic father for 49 years and the book
re-awoke the grief addictions can bring to the family. I too
had tears for Mick, his family and myself. This book should
be compulsory reading by all bodybuilders to warn them of
the dangers of ANY substance abuse.
It took great courage to write such a book. Only a person
of such humility could admit such a traumatic battle. Such
a man is Mick Hart, whose greatest strength is love. I feel
privileged to call him my friend.
David Gentle, Foremost bodybuilding authority
Nearly in tears here. My Dad was an addict to alcohol and
He use to beat my mum up time and again over many
years till I got bigger and I got bigger thanks to Mick.
That was hard to deal with but this, Jesus. Mick has been
my mentor for over 10 years now, I started at 16 and I still
remember the advice today and my physique and myself
has grown. For someone to give me free advice for 10
years is amazing. I thankyou
Hey Mick just as you have in the past phoned me , my
phone is always open! One day at a time. I think its hard
for anyone to understand the reality of an addiction until
they go through it. But this is amazing and can only be
written by the one & only Mick Hart!
Darryl Selby, Scarborough
Mick,
I have been on heroin and painkillers now for about five
years straight through since I was about 17 years old - I
am now 22.
I read your story the other evening on the addiction assis-
tance web page. I have never had a break of heroin, but
after reading what had happened to you, I tried and suc-
ceeded to stay of for 24 hours. I am back on again, but
that first step was a big one and I hope to be stepping out
again.
Thanks man.
Ross, Dallas, USA
Dear Mick,
I have never touched any kind of hard drugs and I hope
that I never will. But GHB was offered to me sometime
ago during a party; I nearly took some as my friends were
experimenting at the time. You know how it can happen
so easily when you feel out of the crowd as it were. I
read your posting on the net a few nights ago and I am
frightened as to what could have happened. All I can say
is thank you, not only for me, but for my family too. What
happened to you could so easily have been me.
My sincere regards,
Jason, Birmingham
Dear Mick,
Got your book, Tears On A Keyboard and let my
supper get cold reading from start to finish.
The book is a masterpiece because you wrote from
the heart. You dared to show a pathetic figure, frail
and lost yet out of it grew a man of courage,
integrity and honour. Your entire family should be
proud of you. They are indeed lucky to have
someone so fearless that he can cry because his
love is so unbelievably strong... for them! I believe
the book will help many.
Your good deed is done!
Best wishes,
Robert Kennedy, MuscleMag International
The decision to write this book was one of the
hardest I have ever made; it had to be done. I am
glad because it has already saved quite a few lives
- I know because I nearly lost mine. I wished I
had read a book like this - God I do!
Only available from Mick Hart Training Systems via mail
order. Payments accepted via all major credit cards,
cheque, postal orders or cash (registered mail please).
Despatched within 48 hours. (01246) 811013 for details
5.99
5.99
It could save your life or that
of someone you know!
inc. inc.
p&p p&p
Mick Harts NBC -20
Junior Under 21
After a brief welcoming address by Mike Mitchell, the show got off to a start
with the Junior under 21 competition. In this class there were 4 competi-
tors:
Gary Rehilhu - He has shown a marked improvement from last year and his
physique transformation from kick boxer to bodybuilder is well under way.
Improved shape and definition, capping on delts, v-taper down to a slim waist. Still
a bit light on his legs but there sure is room and time for improvement.
Noel Green - Biggest man on stage in terms of height as well as frame. Did not come in as
sharp as the main contenders. Noel needs to work harder on his dieting and could have
caused serious damage on the day if he had come in sharper.
Nicholas Vandal - Symmetry, condition and vascularity made him the definite favourite to
take this class from the moment he walked on stage. He was also the most confident.
Coached by Chris Sneddon of Extreme Nutrition, his homework was well done.
Philip Bell - Another promising athlete who has made size gains over the last twelve months. Good shape presenta-
tion as well as symmetry. He was not as muscular as Nicholas and was fractionally softer than he was the previous
year.
RESULT: 1st Nicholas Vandal, 2nd Gary Rehilhu, 3rd Philip Bell, 4th Noel Green. (Top 3 to the Britain Finals in
Southport).
First Timers
Next on stage were the first-timers. Athletes in this category are classed as competing in their first ever show. Three
athletes competed in this category.
Eddie Amor - He was the biggest man on stage with a larger body frame than the other two competitors. His choice
of rock music suited his physique and ipso facto his presentation. In reasonable condition with quantitively more mus-
cle mass but could have been a lot harder, especially on his hamstrings.
Renato Bianconi - His ectomorphic genetics explains his lack of muscular thickness on one hand but on the other
explains why he was the most shredded athlete. In modern bodybuilding parlance, he is classed as a 'hard gainer',
blessed and cursed with a super fast metabolism - a rather curious genetic catch 22 situation. In future he would have
to take into serious consideration this fact while adopting a dieting strategy: to minimise the chances of losing too much
muscle as seemed the case at this show, as well as a corresponding strategy in the off season in order to put on as
much muscle as possible. Nonetheless, as a first-timer, he gave a good account of himself at the show.
William Boyes - Best conditioned athlete. Fantastic cuts, particularly in his mid section (abs and intercostals). He
was not lacking in symmetry either.
RESULT: 1st William Boyes, 2nd Eddie Amor, 3rd Renato Bianconi.
Seniors
The senior class comprised 6 competitors. It was quite a difficult class to judge as most of the athletes possessed
rough parity in muscularity and condition with the exception of Tom Johnson who I must say stood out from the rest.
David White - David came 3rd at the Prolab classic a week before. He like most of his fellow competitors, was cut
and in good condition. I must point out though, that further delt capping and lat work should be his main priority to
counter-balance a seemingly wide waist and thus enhance symmetry.
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M Mi i k ke e M Mi i t t c ch he el l l l s s
John McCutcheon - John told me at the end of the show
that he had been training since he was 17 and that he was
now 67 years old, which gives a training span of half a cen-
tury. He was presented with an award at the evening show.
A definite crowd pleaser who just enjoys himself on stage,
especially the camaraderie most bodybuilding shows gen-
erate. He said he would be back next year posing to his
now familiar YMCA 'anthem'. See you next year John!
Tom Johnson - An ex senior Mr Scotland. This man was
shredded. The best conditioned, cut and separated of all
the athletes, his presentation was also superb. He looked
particularly impressive when he did his back poses and
showed his hamstrings. His was the first exposition of the
complete package. Should do well at the Britain.
Tony Stead - Very confident on stage, good shape, though on the day could have been more cut. Though light on the
legs, nevertheless in good condition.
George Gillian - Definitely put on size from last year. His legs have also improved together with all-round thickness
in his upper body, especially the deltoids and calves. He put every effort into his posing. In good condition but what
a pity he had to come up against a class act like Tom.
Alex MacLachlan - Alex sported a physique quite impressive for someone who trains at home and surrounded by all
the creature comforts and 'mod cons'. Gentle Alex, I have decided to call him because though we've not formally met
you sort of got that impression when he was on stage. His music was mellow and the crowd did show their apprecia-
tion.
RESULT: 1st Tom Johnson, 2nd George Gillian, 3rd David White, 4th Tony Stead (1st four qualify for Britain Finals.
Tom Johnson qualifies for the World Championships in Vienna).
Miss Fitness
Three competitors were in this class and the contest was divided into two rounds - the bikini round and the fitness
round. The former, similar to an assessment and/or evaluation of their figures, while the latter featured more on their
routines and presentation. The bikini round took place in the afternoon while the fitness round took place at the night
show.
Heather Ellingon - First on was Heather, who also competed last year. I must say she was in better condition last
year as compared to this year. A little more attention to stricter and longer periods of dieting should be the way for-
ward.
Alison Matthews - Initially audience shy, but quickly pepped up as the audience warmed to her native Scottish
Highland dance routine. She had obviously taken more time out to prepare and for this reason Heather posed no direct
threat to her.
Lindsay Beatty - Fianc to Mike Aherne (Nightshow Compere). She was the obvious winner as she was the tightest
of the three and the most symmetrical. Her routine at night contained all the elements you would expect from a fitness
routine displaying flexibility, strength and suppleness. Though qualifying for the Britain finals she 'won' and 'lost' on a
technicality as she was, strictly, speaking "out of area", coming from the Wirral in the North West.
RESULT: 1st Alison Matthews, 2nd Heather Ellington
Lindsay Beatty - invite to Britain finals
Novices
This was one of the larger classes, featuring 8 competi-
tors.
Jeff Creavey - Good upper body with legs to match.
More hardness in overall physique together with the use
of a deeper tan next time round should bring out the finer
elements of his physique.
James Smith - Has improved his overall physique from
last year. Strikes me as a shy, retiring person but should
not let his persona reflect on stage and inadvertently give
the false impression of disinterest and lack of enthusiasm
to the judges.
Paul Boon - Also a competitor from last year, who sustained his love again for futuristic 'sci-fi' styled music during his
presentation, which he mimed to. On this occasion, however, he was soft compared to some of the other competitors.
Jamie Barnes - Good flair on quads with 'feathers' to match. He was in very good condition. Looking at him from the
front, you got the impression of an athlete with an unusual imbalance with his legs tending to overpower his upper body.
(In most cases it is usually the other way round). More lat and delt development would at once balance out his tremen-
dous quad development.
Dougie Imrie - Greatest asset on the day was his superb overall condition which made up for his smaller frame. He
must also possess a relatively high degree of self-motivation to train at home and sport a physique of such quality.
Darren Anderson - His condition seemed to come 'alive' as his posing got underway. Though possessing a good
upper body, was let down by the asymmetrical relationship between the size of his upper and lower body.
Shaun Duffy - A well conditioned athlete with a good upper body, which tapered down to a narrow slim line waist. His
presentation was good and, though symmetrical in shape, the degree of separation in his lower body was not matched
by that in his upper body. (Next time round wait until the condition in your legs comes through before deeming your-
self to be contest ready).
Ian Joe Kerran - Awesome most muscular poses because of good trap and overall upper body development. Put a
lot of effort into his posing. If his lower body possessed the same level of condition and separation as his upper body,
this could have influenced the final result.
RESULT: 1st Jamie Barnes, 2nd Doug Imrie, 3rd Shaun Duffy, 4th Ian Joe Kerran (All 4 qualify for the Novice Britain
Finals).
Miss Figure
This was the largest class of the entire contest, comprising twelve competitors, and the result of the contest raised
questions regarding the criteria for Figure contests and the wisdom in abolishing the Physique class. More on that
later.
Denise Robertson - Got everything right, music, stage presence, presentation but still has not cracked the problem
with condition from the waist down.
Lorraine Fairbank - I picked her as the winner because she was the tightest from top to bottom with the lowest body
fat level of the line up.
Lynn McBride - Ex Miss Everything (UK, Scotland, Britain, Europe) as a Physique athlete. All the poise and experi-
ence on stage from the years gone by still intact. However, her physique is still in the process of transformation to that
of a Figure athlete and far from complete. Time alone would tell if this transformation can become a reality.
Fiona Wilson - Did not do herself justice. Needed way more time to diet to let her true shape and potential come
through.
Hazel Young - A former novice Miss Scotland and last year's novice competitor. Again, as with Fiona and Denise,
could do with a longer period of dieting to sharpen up the lower body.
Kim Mathie - Lean upper body but lack of sharpness in the lower body.
Gail Carbray - Last year's Fitness Champion, now making her debut as a Figure competitor. A raw talent, relatively
new at the sport who could go a long way with the
right type of advice. Her youth, great guts and
enthusiasm will be helpful in the process, after
"serving her apprenticeship".
Yvonne Imrie - Trains at home with husband in
home gym. Petite, delectable and gracious with a
nice smile. Good posing routine. Felt she should
have received an invite to the Britain.
Joyce Park - Wife of Graham Park (Senior
Scottish Champion). She had about the best
overall balance in the line up. Good height and
comparatively firm from the waist down.
Kirsten Moore - Another victim, reeling from the
destruction or abolition of the Physique class.
More time needed to make the necessary adjustments to the
Figure category.
Avril Cunliffe - One of the few ladies with good proportions
who had set herself enough time to diet. A worthy competi-
tor.
RESULT: Joint 1st Lynn McBride and Lorraine Fairbank, 3rd
Avril Cunliffe, 4th Hazel Young.
Comment - Although scoring equally to gain 1st place, the
title was then awarded to Lynn McBride, whom many thought
(with reasonable justification) belonged more to the Physique
class and the decision raised more questions:
1. What is the true criteria for Physique and Figure and what
is the dividing line?
2 . If at all there is one, were those principles applied on the
day?
3 . Is it really possible for a Physique lady to make that tran-
sition to the Figure class? Personally I think not.
4. Should we not put these girls out their misery by re-intro-
ducing the Physique class? The debate continues!
Novice Miss Figure
Angela McClusky - A Novice Figure lady who won her class,
being the only competitor. She was pretty lean but needs to
pay a bit more attention to her lower half next time round.
Angela has only been training for seven months and is a mar-
ried Mum with two children, deserves all the credit for her first
performance.
Mr Class 3
This was THE class of the entire competition and featured 6
tremendous athletes.
James Salmond - Great routine, shredded quads, calves and
hamstrings. Good back and vascularity in the lower body. A
deeper tan would have brought out the finer points in his
physique under the bright lights.
Steve Sinton - Last year's overall champion. Complete
physique and much bigger than last year. Quantity and qual-
ity in one. A name to watch out for at the Britain Finals.
Jim Pettigrew - Super-shaped and developed upper body.
The only discernable fault was a seeming lack of hamstring and calf thickness to complement his impressive quad size.
Gilbert Sneddon - Cousin, I am told, of Chris Sneddon (of Extreme Nutrition). Shredded lower and upper body with
all round vascularity. He, however, lacked Sinton's depth in muscularity.
Andrew McLochlin - Very good upper body. Needs to give added attention to his hamstrings as well as develop more
quad flair to counterbalance his wide waist. Otherwise a worthy competitor.
Kevin Curran - He came 3rd at the Scottish Championships in 1999. A balanced physique but smaller in size than
the main contenders.
RESULT: 1st Steve Sinton (Invite to Britain and World Championships), 2nd Gilbert Sneddon, 3rd James Salmond, 4th
Jim Pettigrew (2nd, 3rd and 4th all received invites to the Britain Finals).
Mr Class 2
Class 2 was represented by one athlete, Raby Ness, of Steve Creighton's Hardcore Hell Hole. He sported a good
physique and was considered worthy enough to be invited to the Britain Finals.
Mr Class 1
As was the case with Class 2, Alex Brown, coached again by Chris Sneddon, was the sole representative and even-
tual winner of his class. He also got an invite to the Britain. Both athletes in classes 1 and 2 were in just the right con-
dition two weeks away from the Britain Finals.
Evening Show Highlights
Mike, the band &
big weapon in hand!
Team Scotland
Team England
Venue - Rothes Hall, Kingdom Centre, Glenrothes, Fife Sunday 6th May 2001 Organiser - Mike Mitchell (NABBA Scottish Rep)
Judges in attendance: Paul Jeffries (Yorkshire) Brian Robinson (NABBA Vice-President) Jim Charles (NABBA P.R.) Tony Sullivan (Judge's
Chairman/NABBA North West Rep) Mickie Bird (Scotland) Ken Oran (Scotland) Melissa Sutherland Scotland Alda Cook (Scotland) Yvonne Kelly
(Scotland) Julia Abel (Yorkshire) Richie Dickson (Scotland) Eddie Ellwood (North Britain/NABBA Chairman) Michael Sullivan (North West/Judging
Compere)
Mike Aherne took the stage at the evening show and entertained the audience with a series of humorous jokes and
anecdotes. This was followed by traditional highland celtic music performed by a 5-piece band led by Chican Sorbitan
(the big "German" in the blockbuster movie Gladiator). He played the bagpipes.
First Guest Spot
Sam "The Man" Cullingworth was up in Scotland once more. Last year his routine centred on an adaptation of the car-
toon character Johnny Bravo. This time round it was somewhat different: however the moves were no less compli-
cated neither was the appreciation from the audience for a well choreographed stage act.
The England vs Scotland Contest
Billed as an adjunct to the main show, it has been going on for a couple of years now. This time it was the turn of the
English to come up to Scotland. After an introductory parade of the teams the contest got underway. The bodybuilders
and Figure girls who competed for Scotland were as follows: Nick Vandall (First-timers), Tom Johnson (Seniors),
Lorraine Fairburn (Figure), Jamie Salmond (Class 3) and Team Captain Mike Mitchell. Since these athletes have
received a commentary elsewhere in this report, I intend to focus attention on the English opposition.
For England: Peter Risso (First-timers) Good poser for a first-timer. Pleasing balanced physique, compact and sym-
metrical. Not in bad condition either. Gordon Pasquale (Seniors) Ex-European Senior and World Champion.
Possessed all the hallmarks of an ex-champion. Well conditioned athlete, vascular and separated - most notably in
his upper body. Good back and lats which tapered down to a slim waist. Helen Thwaite (Figure) - Miss Cumbria,
Runner-up Miss UK. This was just the standard one expected from a Figure competitor. Symmetrical relationship
between upper body and lower body, together with parity in relation to levels of body fat in both. On the whole a tight
and fully compact package. Ricky Webb (Class 3) A quality posing routine and presentation but could have been a lot
harder to complement his shapely all-round physique.
Team Captains - Mike Mitchell (Scotland) -vs- Michael Sullivan (England)
Mike Mitchell posed in his kilt, flanked by two Scottish Highland dancers. His traditional Scottish hairdo and make-up
should provide one explanation as to why Emperor Hadrian of Rome all those years ago decided to build the now
famous Hadrian's Wall when his legions set eyes on the Scots! This ex-Mr Scotland has shown considerable improve-
ment in his upper body, especially his delts and arms but should not let his upper body run away from lower body devel-
opment.
Michael Sullivan. Ex-Mr England. Despite the number of years away from competitive bodybuilding, he still poses as
naturally as a duck takes to water. I have competed against him before and seen him come a lot harder and sharper.
I also hear he is planning to make a comeback. I am sure a warm welcome awaits you.
TEAM RESULT: England 4
Scotland 3
Second Guest Spot
Four times Professional Universe Champion, Eddie Ellwood, performed his now famous 'Batman' routine, which he has
now made his signature. Looking awesome at over 20 stones he did not let the crowd down. He is attempting a 5th
Professional Universe title with the intention of breaking Eduardo Kawak's record and recording his name into the eter-
nal book of NABBA history. Best of luck Eddie.
The Overall: It was Steve Sinton of Class 3. A unanimous vote, without the shadow of a doubt, from all the judges.
Final Honours
John Citrone - Emeritus bodybuilder of NABBA, Peak Body Supremo and one of the most decorated athletes in the
same organisation, was invited over, along with his wife Kim, to do the honours by handing out the trophies to the
respective winners. This act concluded a well attended and supported bodybuilding show.
It is every well-wisher's fervent hope that the organisers of the next Scottish Championships make 2002 NABBA
Scotland an even more exciting event. I do not think this last statement will fall on deaf ears. Until next time, take care
and good luck to everyone who lent their support..
Yours in sport, DAYO AUDI
One or two things I want to talk about this month; things which have been churning around in the brain box for
a week or two. These are judging Bodybuilding Contests - can audiences do it better? Also, the matter of learning
about gear before that first cycle. First the question of using audiences for the judging of bodybuilding contests. This
idea comes up every so often but in the last few months I have heard the suggestion coming from several quarters.
Its a daft idea and needs to be shot down for good. I know that we have all complained about bad judging, com-
petitors and audiences alike and we have all at some time or other jeered at some ludicrous placings at contests at
all levels from local open shows to major Pro shows - and watched disgruntled competitors smash their trophies. I
have seen some contests where my selection of the winner has been placed 6th and vice versa. I cannot claim that
I have a greater ability to judge than the official judges and there have been occasions when my position in the hall
was such that my view was not good enough to be completely sure in my selections but still there have been many
times when I and many others wondered what was going on.
Were the judges biased or just incompetent? Many people would like to have a better system which could get
more consistent results. Every competitor has a right to expect competent judging and a fair crack of the whip.
These days the physique standards are so high that a serious competitor will have spent lots of money and shed
blood, toil, tears and sweat to get ready for the show. He or she deserves the best of treatment. But unfortunate-
ly there are no absolutes in bodybuilding; its all a matter of opinion. Generally, the complaints about judging are
centred on Mens Classes. This is because when it comes to judging Womens Classes there are additional nebu-
lous factors involved in selecting the winner. The criteria for judging women are changed quite regularly and then
need to be re-interpreted. The fundamental question is, How much muscle should a woman carry without looking
non-feminine? There is, of course, no answer to this.
Any woman competitor carries much more muscle than any average woman - they are bodybuilders after all -
just as somebody like Marcus Ruhl carries much more muscle than any average man. In fact the difference between
Marcus Ruhl and the average man is greater than the difference between any Ms. Olympia competitor and an aver-
age woman. But he is still undoubtedly a man. Convention says that a woman should be a stick insect with big tits!
I would not have much confidence in a mainly male audience selecting the winners in womens events. At last years
EFBB Finals the judges chose a well built but smoother type physique for the winner of the Womens Middleweight
Class yet chose the most muscular woman in the class as the heavy-weight winner. But the middle-weight took the
Overall Title. I am not saying this was wrong, it is just another complication. Competence in judging is something
that comes from experience - and on-going experience at that. Judges must attend contests regularly throughout
every year and keep up-to-date with the standards of physiques. Audiences are often well informed and can make
OF JUDGING GROWING
photo courtesy Mike Mitchell /NABBA Scotland
by Ron Ball
Mick Harts NBC - 24
Mick Harts NBC - 25
good judgements of the quality of physiques on display and this is the basis of the idea of getting audiences involved
in the judging. But audiences can make reasonable judgements only because, ultimately, their decisions do not mat-
ter. No audience is specially selected and most of the time they will cheer their favourites, be he from their own gym
in a local contest or representing Britain in an international show; but they will still recognise that a Ronnie Coleman
is better than a Gary Lister - this is not a slight on Gary Lister, its just that Coleman is accepted as being the best in
the world at the present time. But if the judging was made by the audience, how do you ensure that the audience
really is impartial? And how will they behave when they know that they are selecting
the winners and losers?
Last year I went to one show at which one of the competitors - a man with a good quality physique and one who
would be expected to do well - brought along a massive number of supporters from his gym. It was good that he
got such support for the show but then a good portion of the audience could no longer be considered impartial.
When their man was on stage they cheered him all the time but unfortunately his was not the best physique on the
day and he didnt win. Had the audience been voting, the wrong man would probably have won. But even if he had
been the best man on stage other competitors could have complained, accusing the audience of being biased. If a
very large number of supporters comes from one gym it is likely also that many of them are not experienced in judg-
ing physiques and would decide the winner for all kinds of arbitrary reasons - like he comes from our gym. In a major
contest it would be possible for a competitor to arrange to pack the audience with supporters and if they really want-
ed to fix things, to bribe them to take the right decisions.
If audiences are to be the judges then a system has to be devised for selecting a truly impartial audience. This
is how judges should always be selected, the difference now is only that instead of say 6 to 10 judges you have to
find a few hundred, all of whom will agree to turn up on the day when chosen and stop anybody else getting into the
hall. No this idea of having audiences as judges is a non-starter and should be forgotten for good.
During the last 18 months or so I have become a
surfer. Not of the waves at Newquay - as a kid I could-
nt even roller skate without getting injured every day -
but of the Internet and I have marked almost all the
bodybuilding sites that I could find around the world.
Some of these are not very good and I have dumped
them, but others are quite informative. No doubt many
readers will be better at using a computer than I am, but
nevertheless I have picked up some useful information. Poking around on discussion boards, one thing I notice
repeatedly is the number of daft questions being asked about steroids and other gear used by Bodybuilders. Some
web site monitors complain about the barrages of questions which they receive, all of which could be answered by
looking in one decent book about drugs use in bodybuilding. I know that everyone has to start from scratch and learn
but are there not some basic rules that should be applied? Basically there appear to be three types of question.
1. I am just going to start my first cycle and I have the following drugs - [list of various drugs and quantities] - what
do you think of the following course - [another list of drugs and dosages]?
2. I have just bought the following - [another list of drugs and quantities] - what course would you recommend for a
first cycle?
3. I have been on the following course - [drugs programme that a top Pro would consider a bit heavy]. I have been
having problems with headaches, I have swellings around my nipples, I have acne on my shoulders and back and
my eyes have gone yellow. What do you think is the problem? Do I need to change my course?
There will be variations on these questions but you see the basic format. Someone is plunging into a drugs
programme without doing basic homework. Is it not a fact that if you are serious about using powerful drugs, then
before you even think about swallowing pills or sticking a needle in your bum, you find out everything you can about
by Ron Ball
Mick Harts NBC - 26
the drugs, whats what; which are best for bulking; which are best for dieting down; which cause most side effects;
which drugs to use with others in a stack; how long to stay on drugs; how long off; what dosages to use; etc.?
Apparently, the answer to all these questions is: buy the drugs first and sort out the rest later. I know of many cases
of rookie potential bodybuilders buying the drugs before even joining a gym and starting to work out.
Most reading No Bull will be more sensible but I know that Mick gets his share of unnecessary questions. Guys,
if you have decided that bodybuilding and getting seriously big is very important to you and that you intend to use
whatever it takes to get there then do it right so that you get maximum benefit and minimum risk. Now I am no body-
building guru but I have been involved in the sport for a long time as a gym owner and as a competitor and I have
learned by observation and experience. I want every serious bodybuilder to succeed and build that outstanding
body and I do not condemn you for wanting to use gear. What matters is your health. So what do you have to do
to get it right?
First of all train hard and seriously for one or two years - longer if you are under 20 years old - without using any
gear or even thinking about using gear. This is not just an old fart trying to hold back your bodybuilding progress
and you will be able to give me names of juniors who have thrived on gear. You can think what you like about me
but the reality is that for most young men, using gear without building a basic foundation first is a recipe for disaster.
There is no doubt that on gear you will grow like a weed, but with proper training and nutrition you would grow like
a weed anyway. I have experience of men who train for a few months, hardly grow at all and assume that they need
gear. The reality is that they dont grow because they dont train properly or hard enough and eat almost no food -
and what they do eat is often junk. Tell them what they need to eat - forget the EXTRA they would need to eat if
they used gear - and they will say bodybuilding is too expensive. Taking gear is not a substitute for food! But if you
do train hard and eat properly using gear too soon the chances are that you will get a string of joint injuries that could
dog your training for ever. The problem is that the joints, tendons, ligaments and other connective tissues are just
not ready for the loads being imposed on them. There is also some evidence that the heart needs time to adapt as
well - and this is even more important. All these areas need time to develop strength to support the sort of loads
that come with the rapid growth that follows the correct use of gear.
Lets assume now that you are well into your 2 years of foundation training. Now is the time to start thinking
about when you will start using gear and in your time away from the gym to be finding out everything you can about
the subject - you can never know too much. How do you find out? First, buy a good quality guide to using drugs for
bodybuilding. This is more important than placing an order for a collection of drugs which may or may not be real.
There are several good books around. Micks Laymans Guide II is a good as any and better than most. It tells you
about real drugs that are obtainable, warns you about fakes, is realistic on doses and entertains at the same time.
If you want more details about the drugs themselves then the World Anabolic Review [WAR] is a good buy; it is 5
years old now but most of what is in there is still true. There are newer books available published in the USA but
they are often directed towards tackling the very specific problems of getting good gear in the USA. You can find
out plenty by prowling around the internet but be wary of some of the courses recommended.
Some of the answers can be as daft as the questions - like Mick said last issue,
you dont always know who is providing the answers. Assuming now that you have
read everything and think you know what you want to do, you can now at least talk
sensibly with others about cycles, avoiding side effects, etc. You will know (or
should know) who in your gym is using gear and you should have worked up a rela-
tionship so that you can gain from his (or their) experiences. By now you will know
where the local supplier is and you will probably know who supplies good stuff. Be wary.
There are too many toe rags out there who are ready to rip off a newcomer by sell-
ing crap gear or good gear at a high price. I even know of cases where one
bastard sold some crap gear to young guys at a high price because youve got
to pay a good price if you want real quality gear. Arsehole!
Some where along the line you will have to trust someone but dont spend
too much money until you are sure that the guy is selling you good stuff. This rule
applies to guys in your gym just as much as anywhere. Even best mates like to find
ways to get rid of some crap gear they got landed with. Make your first course short
and simple. This way you minimise the risks, minimise the costs and find out how
your body reacts. If the gear is good you will grow. Learn how to get off gear and
keep your gains - this will be easier after a short course anyway.
So what else do you have to do? Prepare for your course. Write down everything
you are going to do; the full drug programme you are going to use; what food you
will eat every day; the times at which you will eat, train and go to bed every day;
what you will do on your off days. Be ready to follow all the advice in your
Mick Harts NBC - 27
guide book about cleanliness, hygiene, injecting techniques, etc. Then plan ahead. First do not start the course
unless your training is going well, that you can afford to get all the food that you
are going to need while you are using gear and that you are going to be able
to get to the gym at the right time for every single work-out. Only if you do
all these things will you get the full benefit from the gear you use.
If you have got everything planned out go for it and enjoy the best
work-outs of your life. Come out of it after 6 to 8 weeks with all that extra
muscle and strength and make sure that you have planned your taper so
that you keep almost all the gains; add in extra supplements like creatine,
glutamine, etc. Give yourself a good few weeks off all drugs and review what
you have achieved. Already you will know far more about gear than you
did a few weeks ago but carry on learning. What was good?
What was bad? What would you like to improve on?
What do you want to get out of your next cycle?
When will be your first contest? Competing gives
you target dates. By such a date you have to be
a certain size and in good ripped condition. If
you dont have contests to aim for you need
something else which forces you to set tar-
gets which cannot be abandoned. I would
say the same on this even to advanced com-
petitive bodybuilders. Many a bodybuilder has
said that he is taking a year off to build some
more mass. What happens is that after about 4
or 5 months of serious training stagnation sets in,
diets become untidy with too much junk food and the fat
builds up. Then the next contest phase approaches and
suddenly it all gets serious again. Avoid this by not allowing
time between contests to be above about one year and if its your
first contest dont worry that you are still smaller than Ronnie
Coleman, build some basic mass, get into condition and get that
contest experience.
Thats it! I dont know if I have told you a single thing that you
didnt know already but I do know that many simple things in
bodybuilding have to be said over and over again because
nobody takes any notice. They are looking for that secret
which has been hidden from them and has held back their
progress. Guys, it doesnt exist. Get down to the gym
and just do the work, hard and consistently; eat proper-
ly; get plenty of rest and stick with it. Youll make it in
the end.
With this information you will learn of some of the basics with regard
to the types of food needed to maintain the body through rigorous
and regular training. Foods that supply the much needed nutrients
for growth and repair etc. the training schedules given, not only hit all
the major muscle groups, but they are also extremely effective in
everyway, although they are simple in their structure. They will
indeed build size and strength resulting in a better physical condition,
especially if you have just taken up the sport, as beginners really get
results on this type of schedule. Now that we have established this
sound base, we can now move on.
I am indeed proud to say that most of the mail that I receive is
more than complimentary, and for that I thank you. Over 90% of
the people now using these techniques have come on in leaps
and bounds, but there is always the odd few around who no
matter what they do just cannot take in the advise that is given.
How can these type of people comment on the help given when
they do not themselves give 100% in return. Is it because they
are not really looking to train, but merely to say that they actu-
ally attend a gym, or that they have training equipment at their
home? I knew of a Doctor who at one time came to the gym and made himself a member just to have the card
along with his credit cards, that is a true fact.
In some ways this article is dedicated to those types of people to which no matter how much advise is given or to what
level they still will not accept the fact that training routines if balanced properly ( and I stress the word if ) will give suf-
ficient gains to please even the slightest requirements, and give enough encouragement to progress to further levels.
I have said this many times, if the body is given to the three main points of training which are in fact, training, diet and
rest, then it will have no option but to grow, and that is fact!
One cannot expect to walk into any gym or indeed buy stacks of equipment for home use without actually look-
ing into the task ahead, or about the work that's involved, but people do. Yep, I know that everyone has the
right to alter their own minds that is not the issue here, the issue is that they should not blame the equipment
or indeed their coach if it is their own lack of drive and determination that is at fault. If many were truly hon-
est with themselves then we would get a better picture, and it would be easier to help them.
The tools needed for training are in abundance, there are equipment manufacturers all around willing to sell you their
wares in any amounts, but it is not the hardware that you have got to get right in the first place, but the right attitude!
What you need to ask yourself is that sense of achievement that no one can instill in to you, you must be able to taste
it, smell it and be so determined that the end result will bring a certain sense of pride and accomplishment that will be
unequalled in anything that you do.
Mick Harts NBC - 28
Starting
Out.......
Psychological
Factors
and
Training
Attitudes
This article was introduced to help people to understand the very basics of the
sport of bodybuilding. It was not fully intended only for the total beginner (as
there are a lot of people out there with some very weird ideas on training) but
to anyone who may be slightly confused about certain things.
When starting out - drink plenty of water and
you will get big pecs! Honest...................!
Mick Harts NBC - 29
Seek inspiration from family and friends
that will give you straight and honest criti-
sism. You do not need the type of critic
who may tell you that Coleman may have
to look out this year, that is total bullshit!
Be honest with yourself and reach the
goals that you set for yourself one at a
time. Competing against yourself is much
harder than against a line up, I can tell you.
The guys and girls stood on that stage
have indeed good reason to be proud of
themselves because they have under-
stood the difficulties thats involved in
training serious or not, and overcome
them. Analyse and critisise yourself
before condeming a sport that calls for as
much, if not more, commitment in terms of
diet and self motivation than any other
sport I know.
For example, changing your body from a 9 stone weakling, sand in your face stuff, to say 12 stone of muscle and bone
etc, is no mean feat, neither, as you will agree, is it easy? To some of you out there it may be but for the majority, no.
That is why you must be more determined to succeed, and succeed you will if you put your mind to it, literally. I per-
sonally am the type of guy who finds it very difficult to make gains, but make them I will. With or without steroids, or
even training partners for that matter. But on that note I prefer to train without a partner because then I do not have to
wait around only to be told that they cannot make it for whatever reason, and that really gets up my furcking arse!
The guys who usually want to change the world, zero in on me mostly at the weekends, Friday and Saturdays
are their favoured days. The usual time is about 20 minutes before the pub closes and they come over to me
asking my opinion on their present physique. It is then that I get the normal comment about the fact that the
drink that I normally have, that being wine and soda, is a girls drink, and that I should be normal and have a
mans drink, which could be anything from bitter or "snake-bite", Newcastle Brown no matter. The most amus-
ing thing is that there is a defininte difference in the fact that their bellys are usually banging on their knees
as they walk, and mine isn't. I rest my case.
These type of guys, (and they mostly are guys), often ask if they can train the next day, because they would like to
show the world just what it has been missing, plonkers! Some do actually turn up, I call them the Two-weekers,
because they are usually too weak to do anything at all, and the longest they have been known to last is just that, two
weeks! Who gets the blame for that, old Harty! I know that it is not only myself, as a coach, but I know that out there
thousands of bodybuilders, ladies and gents, get the same treatment from the two-weekers. But enoughs anuff, about
these types of people, (for a while anyway), and lets be at the coaches who have this attitude problem towards train-
ing also.
"Turning on your own kind", I hear you say, Yep, I am afraid so, and will admit that there are those who call
themselves coaches that in actual fact create problems for the people who would normally like to have a good
crack at the whip. A good coaching instuctor will have tried to have given at least 100% to his pupil, by doing
that he will hope to get 100% back. If the attention is there he usually does. If it is not, then what do you expect.
He should have explained all the relevant information that the pupil will need to build his/her physique gradu-
ally and safely - and in a lot of cases this is not so. Okay sometimes you get the oddball who will not take in
the advise given but we have dealt with this for the moment, but in a lot of cases the coaches that I have seen
turn their attention on the guys who may be competition material, with the thought of glory and extra revenue
for the gym. Sounds good yeah, but in most cases the revenue brought in is naff all, and the end result is that
you have a very unsatisfied customer who does not renew his membership and invariably leaves the gym only
to spread the word, and that I am afraid is usually a bad one. Amazing isn't it how a bad word spreads faster
than a good one, and we wonder why so many gyms go down after such a short time!
It is because of this type of attitude that so many people are put off the sport. Gym owners and coaches must look to
their staff and to themselves and severely scrutinise the situation and make good. You are certainly losing money and
definitely giving a bad impression to the general public, think about it. The customer and trainer who is looked after to
the best of your ability will most certainly come back, and usually bring with him/her all the family and many friends.
Did you know that the actual percentage of people who renew their membership is less than 15%, shocking ain't it
mateys!
Many people tell me that they had joined a particular gym, been given training routines, coached once, then left to their
Cmon, even the Spice Girls had to start somewhere!
Mick Harts NBC - 30
own devices, you tell me how true that is, I think that it is damn stu-
pid. Insurance claims are quite costly now- adays, could you afford
to have that on your concience or to a lesser degree out of your
wallets?
One of the main reasons for many people stopping training
after a relatively short time is the fact that they have this
uncontrollable urge to lift as much as possible, as soon as
possible in the mistaken belief that they will get absolutely
humungosly (have I spelt that right), massive quickly. Sorry
again but what you will get is damaged tendons and torn mus-
cles that will put you off and take a long time to heal. We can
call this overtraining in the worst possible fashion, and this
also can be down to a lack of attention from coaches. But not
in all cases, because there are a lot of people in the gyms and
clubs that will do it anyway, so it is a matter of swings and
roundabouts.
Try to execute all lifts and exercises in as perfect a style as is pos-
sible, because if you remember from one of my previous articles I
stressed the point that there is no perfect style, because there is
bound to be a certain amount of cheating if any respectful amount
of weight is to be lifted. If the muscles are put under gradual strain
then they will build as to their own capabilities and it is of no use at
all to destroy joints and tendons which can put you off training for months at a time, or indeed for good. Train for bal-
ance, use basics. it is no good training your chest and biceps then moaning that another guy has better a overall
physique than you. If you want to look like a fishing rod rest, because you have neglected your squats, then so be it,
by the way if you look like a rod rest why not come down to the pond this Saturday, mine has broken, and you might
earn a few bob!
I know that I have a dig at certain types of people who just cannot get it together in the sport, but it is true do
you agree? If you do not then let me know, honest critisism, I thrive on it. But think before you write, because
there are many out there who have experienced these people, and to be truthful they really get up my nose,
better that end than the other I say. Look to the fact that the body thrives on regular training and analyse the
word routine, as that is what your body loves, a regular routine in which to build and develop into something
which is in reach of us all.
Before you start out into the world of bodybuilding, or indeed any form of sport, sit down and write down all the fores
and all the against's, add them up and follow the advice and also your instincts. The list that is longest will be the best
advice that you can follow. Be absolutely honest with yourself, totally critical you may be surprised at the outcome.
Most of the people who read this article will, I am sure, respect the knowledge and experience with which it was writ-
ten. If you do then thank you. If you are a potential two-weeker then you will not have got this far anyway, and you
will have known it all anyway. My knowledge of this type of situation comes from many years of coaching experience
and the fact that I deal with these people every day. With regard to the psuedo coaches, well I have been digging at
these guys for years and this is not a new thing. But the facts are there.
Being physically fit and in condition is one of the most finest things that a human being can experience, but
in order to chase these dreams you must be prepared to give all that you can. Nothing in this world is easy,
and you don't need me to tell you that, but everything is worth fighting for if you feel that you need it bad
enough.
Gear is always an important factor in our training, well it is in mine anyway, but I have to totally back up Ron Ball and
his points on taking gear with little experience and only a short time in the sport. You have to see just how you will fair
OFF the gear as well as on it. It may be that you can grow exceptionally well WITHOUT using any gear and the more
that you can do that the better really. If you do not have to use it - furking well dont.
My own training history backs that up 100%. I didnt use the gear for quite a few years and gained a solid base
indeed. However, when I did start on it - BOOM! Game over! I grew like a tomato in a greenhouse grow bag,
but at least I had given it a chance. If you are new to the sport, I suggest that you do the same. There is plen-
ty of time for the gear - give it a chance.
Being physically fit
and in top
condition is one of the
finest things that a
human being can
experience, but in
order to chase these
dreams you must be
prepared to give ALL
that you can.
T
hose of you from MickHart.com will know me but I thought I'd write this for the benefit of the No Bull readers who are think-
ing who the fuck is this guy? A way of introducing myself. The
name Strengthmonster came about from the first name I ever
used on a web based discussion board. I logged on a big US site
and saw that everybody had these names like 'Giant man' or 'Gear
junkie' etc. and thought to myself 'what the fuck can I be called then
eh?' Strengthmonster just popped into my head, as being a hard-
core type of trainer I would often say stuff to myself during work-
outs etc. One of them being something like 'I'm not gonna be a
pussy, I'm gonna be a strengthmonster'. You know, the usual schizo-
phrenic cries of your average completely off his nut bodybuilder.
Well the name stuck, as shite as it may be and it is something I
now have to live up to. Oh well. My real name for those who don't
know is Darren Sherlock.
I
have been lifting since the age of 15. I was a very skinny child
back then, looking as most of us do to add a few pounds of
muscle. I was the one who would get picked for teams last, after
the kid on crutches. At 5'11" I weighed in at a whopping 8 stone. I did a lot
of martial arts and running which made me very lean but was a very weak
kid who realised that I needed to bulk up a bit. I was not happy with how
I looked, had zero self confidence and as for getting a girlfriend - wow,
that was a joke, something I believed would never happen to an ugly
scrawny zit faced prick like me.
M
y first encounter with the Iron was when a group of us
visited the old YMCA on Peter Street in Manchester.
An experience, which changed my life forever. An old ironman Stan Profitt saw something in me, a desire, and took me
under his wing. He was a major influence on me and at about 70 years old was the sickest old man I'd ever met. He taught me
a new meaning of pain, but what a brilliant bloke. Stan dedicated his whole life to helping people like me, not for any money but
because he loved to. A principal which has stayed with me ever since. I immediately took to the iron and loved how my body
began to change. Having something to focus on and setting myself targets gave me a new feeling of self-confidence and I also
began to excel in other areas of my life as well.
T
o cut the story short I trained naturally until the age of 21 during which time I did a lot of study on diet, nutrition and gear.
I read many peoples work including Mick's original No Bull articles in MMI and BBM which as most people at the time
remember were truly outspoken. During this time I put on about two stone and was still very lean. My diet was getting
together, possibly too clean as many beginners also do but I had made some solid gains. Fell for all the usual pitfalls, trying all
the 'natural wonder supplements' I could. I decided at 21 I had waited until the right time and took my first cycle. I gained a fur-
ther 2 stone in 12 weeks and thought all my wishes had come true. A fair bit of water (had a big moon face) but some quality
muscle as well.
T
he next few years I continued experimenting with various cycles, spending much more time off than on. I briefly saw Mick
back then when he did a No Bull seminar at a friend's gym in Burnley and was very impressed by his work. What impressed
me the most about Mick was that he basically did not give a fuck and would speak his mind. A real spade is a spade man
who shared many of the same ideals about bodybuilding that I did. My weight got up to 15 3/4 stone and I was thinking about
competing until a van decided to pull out in front of me and stop my progress. I was now 6'1" and had almost doubled my weight
since I had begun training. I was working as a doorman after leaving Uni and was also running my own successful Karate and
Kickboxing schools. The 2500 compensation for whiplash was not worth it, believe me! I was cut out of the car and it took me
so long to get back on track it was unreal.
Mick Harts NBC - 32
S
S
TRENG
TRENG
TH
TH
OK so who the fuck IS the
MONS
MONS
TER?
TER?
introducing Darren (Strengthmonster) Sherlock
S
hortly after I got into a bad relationship with 'the bitch from hell' and gradually slid into a rut that I worked very hard to get out
of. Those on the website will know of the shit I've been through with her. Nearly three years ago, although I still trained reg-
ularly my weight slipped down to a low of 12 1/2 stone. Although I still also took part in my martial arts as well, my diet and
training in the gym were inconsistent even though I put the effort in. I was under a lot of stress in my relationship and in my job. My
morale was at an all time low and I felt as if all my hopes and dreams of getting on stage were over. So I found a way out and
changed my life, as I knew it was sliding even further. It was a difficult time for me but I kept my head down, put myself back through
college with no money, carried on with my training, teaching and basically rebuilt my life. I got out of the bad relationship that was
causing me so many problems and began to focus once more. I moved out and was staying at one of my closest friends, sleeping
on his sofa. How the hell he put up with me cooking 6-7 meals in his kitchen all night, farting and running around like a madman I
will never know. John, your kindness and hospitality shall be remembered forever my friend. Throughout it all one thing kept me
mentally strong and focussed - my training. Once again I had the desire back.
T
hen the most wonderful thing in the world happened to me. You can all start puking now but I met the most wonderful woman
in the world. A woman who could see my dreams and shared them with me. A woman who had faith in me and has shown
me so much love. A woman who I knew right away was the one for me. Since being with my fianc my life has completely
changed. She has totally supported me in my bodybuilding and has helped me get back on track and pursue the dream that I almost
lost years ago. I feel more determined now than ever before in my life. Over 13 years I have spent slaving away in gyms and diet-
ing. It has changed my life and moulded me into a better person. It has made me strong and I have gained a wealth of experience
through the many pitfalls I have faced. I want to have something to show for all of that when I'm an old man. A set of photos, a tro-
phy. I'm 28 now and know I haven't got all that many years of my peak left. I see 18 year olds competing and wonder where my last
ten years have gone. Guys with amazing genetics getting world-class physiques in a few short years. Bollocks to that, I know I can
do it through hard work, consistency and determination and I will.
M
y training once again got super intense and my diet again became a full time obsession. I started writing things down again
and began on my battle plan. I started to research again through discussion boards on the internet. Firstly over at some of
the big US sites but I soon learned where I felt at home: http://www.mickhart.com . I spoke to Mick and the other lads on
the board and found these guys were different. Not only could we all share our experiences and advice but also they cared. I was
still going through problems with my ex and over seeing my son but Mick and the lads took time to speak to me and help through-
out all the difficult times. Mick, as many of the other lads became close friends of mine and between us all we now have a phe-
nomenal bond. I have been able to pour out my problems with many of you and I thank you all for taking the time to help me out.
The No Bull is something, which I believe in and have always believed in, even before I knew it existed. I enjoy contributing on the
board and have started an on line training log there, which has proved to be of great benefit. Not just to others but to me as well. It
is currently on line now and I update it virtually every day if you aren't bored enough already with reading about my life!
W
ell we had the first meeting of the No Bull Boys and wow, so much has happened since then. When I met Mick I could not
believe all the stuff he was saying. This may sound daft but it was as if he were reading all the thoughts from my mind. I
have never met a man who so closely shares all the beliefs and ideals that I do. My philosophy in life is basically - Whatever
you do, give it your absolute all and when you are about to give in, give some more. Never let any fucker hold you back from what
you believe to be true and anything can be achieved if you want it bad enough. Mick has been my coach for the last year and my
training has come on leaps and bounds. I hit 16st 2lb a few months ago, the heaviest I have ever been, with low bodyfat and mini-
mal amounts of gear. I have faith in Mick, as he does in me. He is my coach, my friend and has been like a father to me. The fact
he is an ugly bastard with a dodgy moustache that Borat would be envious of does not matter. The man really does know his stuff
and my gains have been better than ever. I recently suffered an elbow injury from a past martial arts injury and had 5 lots of surgery
on it so my dreams of competing this year were put on hold. I have been back in training 6 weeks now and I am currently in train-
ing for an EFBB qualifier early next year. It is so good to know that I have Mick and the best set of lads I could possibly wish for
behind me.
I
have always enjoyed passing on my knowledge (I'm sure I've got some somewhere?) as well as my experience in my classes,
in the gym and through the websites. It is something I do because I get a sense of achievement from it but never thought of doing
it in a magazine. It all started through an article I wrote up on Mick's board quite a while ago. It was a posting that I got a little
carried away with (as usual). Mobster from Muscle Mob asked if he could use it and I said of course as I felt glad someone actual-
ly appreciated my writing. He printed it up in the mag and I had some excellent feedback from it. This set me off thinking about how
I could develop myself as a writer. It is something I would love to do in the future as my current job (planning telecoms on a pc) is
boring as shit, although it does pay the huge food bills. The No Bull is a mag that is close to my heart. Actually scrub that, it is a
magazine that is my heart. When Mick asked me if I would be Correspondent to the No Bull I said I would be honoured. To con-
tribute to such a magazine for real people, real bodybuilders; is fantastic. I only hope that I can contribute to the mag in such a way
that will do Mick and all the No Bull Boys (and No Bull Babes) proud.
Oh well, sorry to have bored you all with my life. I will be working hard for Mick and the No Bull from now on and intend this mag to
grow as much as I will!
Darren 'Strengthmonster' Sherlock
Mick Harts NBC - 33
Mick Harts NBC - 34
FERRIG ME!
L
OU FERRIGNO is possibly the worlds
most famous 'hard-core' bodybuilder bar
none; internationally famous for his role
on TV screens and movies as the Incredible
Hulk. Currently claiming arms near 23 inches
at a 285lbs bodyweight carried on a 6ft 5 inch
frame. His portrayal of the alter ego of Dr.
David Banner is back on TV after a break and
Lou also features in a new hit USA show,
King Of Queens. Lou plays a part as a
neighbour to the star spot. He also had a co-
starring role in a show Living Single. Screen
writer David Hayter is also re-writing another
series to be produced by Gale Ann Hurd of
Marvel Studios. Also in recent news, The
USA National Enquirer radio stations reported
Lou Ferrigno and his wife Carol were caught
in a hail of bullets (real ones) when bandits
opened fire on shoppers at a crowded
Californian store COSTCO. The robbers
crashed into Lou's grocery cart when making
their getaway. Several shoppers were wound-
ed and one killed. Lou and Carla were unhurt
and shielded by their car. Police arrested one
robber, but the others escaped.
L
ou is also featured in a new movie, Bedazzled. Still updating; if you happen to live in the States and got the
'mazooma' to spend, you can contact big Lou and he will become your personal trainer, training you from his
Santa Monica home. His clientale already consist of judges, dentists, lawyers, and it is said Michael Jackson (yes
that one) recommends him. Personally I would leave that last bit off my CV. Just my own opinion you understand.
Serious callers can contact him via www.louferrigno.com or phone USA 310 295 2144. It is suggested he MAY be
over to London in March 2OO2. On that we will have to see. He
certainly received acclaim on his last visit to jolly old England.
Lou recently received WORLD GYM CELEBRITY OF THE YEAR
AWARD 2OOI, the trophy being presented by old Arnie himself at
the AFW (Arnold Fitness Weekend) Lou said I was very flattered
to receive such a meaningful honour. I think he deserved it.
Meanwhile let us begin at the beginning.
B
ig (although I suppose like all of us, he was once small) Lou
was born on 9th November I95I son of Matt Ferrigno a
Brooklyn police lieutenant. Little Lou, later world famous as THE
HULK, had an uphill battle early on in life fighting cruel taunts and
ridicule for his speech defect caused by an ear infection caught
when aged just three years old. This infection left him almost
totally deaf along with such a puny body, such that even Charles
Atlas would have turned down his application form, as a no hoper.
These early unhappy experiences helped drive Lou's later deep
involvement into charity work for handicapped children.
L
ou's father, a barbell fan, soon decided his son could benefit
from taking the old iron pills i.e. the ones you have to lift. So
with some persuasion, he diverted young Lou away from the
comic book heroes he loved so much, one of which the Hulk, he
ironically later was to portray and achieve world fame and fortune,
into reading muscle journals. Thus young Lou began training
when I4 years old in a basement gym, weighing in at under
I6OLbs and already 5ft 8ins tall. Progress soon followed and by
the time he was I7 he had gained quite a lot of real muscle and
had respectable I7 inch arms and other body parts to match.
T
raining, like many did in the early days with a home gym, Lou
dreamt daily of his idols Dave Draper, Larry Scott, and Steve
Promo shot for his visit to England way back in 93
Mick Harts NBC - 35
Mick Harts NBC - 36
Reeves, himself a movie hero in the Hercules films.
With such inspiration, he continued to grow muscle,
albeit slowly, his first competition being the Mr. Open
New Jersey Hercules. At I9 years of age, he came
22nd. and disappointed. The only way was UP, so he
trained harder, next time coming 2nd to Steve Michalik
in another contest. He then competed in the Teenage
Mr. America, under the AAU, in a line up that included
the late Mike Mentzer (who came 2nd) - Lou came in
at 4th. Around this period he met Arnold S. at the I97I
AAU Mr America in New York.
I
n I973 aged 2I at 25Olbs b/w, he takes the Mr.
Eastern America, Mr. America (AFAB) and Mr.
Universe titles (IFBB) in Switzerland. Improving
beyond recognition Lou then wins the Mr. International
and his second Mr. Universe title at the IFBB WORLD
BODYBUILDING CHAMPIONSHIPS on the 3rd to 6th
October I974, beating Ken Waller (2nd) and Paul
Grant of Wales 3rd in the tall mens' class. In the I974
Mr Olympia in his first attempt Lou came 2nd to
Arnold Schwarzenegger. Despite Arnolds relentless
teasing humour, Arnold became Lou's new idol and in
I975 in South Africa Lou stood man to man with Arnold in the classic confrontation featured in the famed movie
PUMPING IRON. Lou was then a ripped 3OOlbs mass of muscles stacked on his near 6ft 5ins high frame, coming
in third, beaten into second place by Serge Nubret and of course Arnold taking top title as history relates.
I
n 1976 Ben Weider, brother of 'our' Joe, named Lou Ferrigno as BODYBUILINGS MAN OF THE YEAR, when the
IFBB Mr Universe Ferrigno amazed the sports world with his resounding success in ABC's T.V. WIDE WORLD OF
SPORTS. Without much previous experience, Lou finished in the money, collected $2O,OOO and proved along the
way that weight trained muscles are fit for anything becoming the first real physique star to compete in TV's SUPER-
STARS. First married for a brief year, he later married again on 3Oth May I98O to Carla Green and they had three
children Shanna Victoria, Louis Jnr. and Brent.
A
lthough Lou originally planned to compete in the 77 Mr Olympia and try to de-throne FRANK ZANE, Lou was
contacted by UNIVERSAL STUDIOS who turned down Richard Keel for a more muscular Ferrigno to play a
comic book hero. So in 1977/78 Lou stars alongside Bill Bixby in the Jekyll and Hyde type of science fiction adven-
ture taken from Marvel Comics, ie. THE INCREDI-
BLE HULK. Bixby is a hapless scientist who when
enraged turns into a seven foot monster, i.e the Hulk
or Ferrigno. This huge success giving Lou world
wide instant stardom far in excess of previous body-
building fame. For I4 years to 1982 the Incredible
Hulk is followed by the Return of.. and the Trial of ..
up intil 88. For some reason Lou said the bodypart
most people noticed with the Hulk is the pecs (I
would have said 'Traps'??). So pec development
was always high on his training list. Despite the ear-
lier flop of Hercules Unchained which Columbia EMI
pictures refused to release in the UK (it appeared on
several USA worst movies lists in I983), Lou was
now on equal terms in the fame/movie TV stakes
along with Arnold of Conan fame. Indeed the HULK
films being all action did cost Lou more than a little
pain. e.g. Lou, who insisted upon doing most of his
own stunts in the movies, when filming the HULK
tore a bicep requiring surgery at a hospital. It
appears Lou was involved in unloading a IOOOlbs
compressor unit from a truck and sustained the injury
when the load shifted and he attempted to prevent its
fall.
Lou with Mom and Dad (photo by Art Zeller)
The T.V. Hulk! The role that did it all!
O
ther film starring parts were in Cannons Film release SINBAD OF THE SEVEN SEAS in which he appeared
actually light, slimming down to just 24Olbs, again doing all his own stunts in All Fair with George Segal and
also a part in Cage, which called for him to be muscular but not too huge.
I
t is hard to appreciate, but Lou once studied acting seriously doing stage plays like Arsenic and Old Lace, touring
Texas, Chicago and Canada. Even today, Lou admits to wanting to play a romantic role. He always believed acting
was harder than bodybuilding, saying it is not easy getting up at 4am to be on the set at 5 .3O. for literally hours of
make up, plus stunts, plus training to keep that HULK shape (He should be so lucky. I worked I2 hours a day shov-
elling fucking concrete - DG).
W
ith his acting/show business interests in mind he briefly belonged to WBF, the pro wrestling under the World
Bodybuilding Federation, headed by Vince McMahon, now controller of WWF. He went along with this parting
for a while from IFBB with Gary Strydom, the two due to match. It never took place. Lou and WBF parted company,
due some said because he developed an injury that would put him out of pro wrestling. He instead bulked up again
and returned to Joe Weider's IFBB. It was after all Joe and Ken Sprague who first recognised Lou's potential and
brought him down to California.
T
hus he returned to a hyped Olympia challenge in Sept I3 at Helsinki Finland in I992. His physique had never
been better. Reg Park the Olympia MC opened that Lou Represents everything that is good about this sport
but after a I7 year absence from the ever increasing high and tough standards of professional bodybuilding and the
Olympia in particular, it was not to be the historical verdict that the 4O year old Ferrigno desired. Despite being
298lbs of muscle at 6ft 5ins he looked far too fine and came a disap-
pointing I2th placing. Back in 93 again at the Olympia he
raised his placing to IOth and in the premier Masters
Olympia, came a far better second to Robby Robinson.
A
lthough cursed with an injury, Carpal Tunnel
syndrome, (its like wankers doom!) requiring
surgery, Lou still trains hard and often. He now
however concentrates more upon aerobics,
e.g. stationary cycling every workout. Lou
says I used to run, but found riding a station-
ary bicycle is better for burning calories and
increasing the efficiency of my metabolism.
It is easier for the body and you do not sacri-
fice as much muscle mass. (You can also
watch TV when cycling, and its in the dry!)
He still lifts heavy with high intensity, using
approx I5 sets per body part, training five days
a week. However, its a mistake to attempt to lift
so heavy if you have to cheat to build muscle,
says Lou.
H
is philosophy in life is Enjoy being in the moment as
much as you can. Lou enjoys show business and contin-
ues to train top movie stars as mentioned previously, including
Robert De Niro, Chuck Norris of Marital arts fame and others in his million dollar home gym. Not bad for someone
who was once just ....a kid from Brooklyn.
David Gentle.
Mick Harts NBC - 38
SILVER SURFER
& makes me piss myself laughing!
R
u
l
e
s
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage,
they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom
with the lights out, since they can't see each other signing, or
lips to lip-read. After several nights of fumbling around and
many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
"Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For
instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over
and squeeze my left breast once. If you don't want to have sex,
reach over and squeeze my right breast twice". The husband
thinks this is a great idea. He suggests to his wife if she wants
to have sex with him, "reach over and pull on my penis one
time. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my penis two hun-
dred and fifty times."
A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got this sex problem, Doc. You've
got to help me."
"Well," says the quack, "tell me about your average day."
"Well it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up at
about 3am and again at about 5am for nookie. Later, we can spend a cou-
ple of hours making love before I go to work!"
"Oh I see," says the doc.
"No, hang on," says the young man "you see, when I get on the train to
work I meet this girl every day, we get a compartment to ourselves and
have sex all the way there."
"Oh... now I see," says the quack.
"No you don't," says our hero. "When I get to work my secretary really fan-
cies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom."
"Oh.... now I see," says the quack.
"No, no, no," says the randy old bugger. "When I go to lunch I meet this
dinner lady I'm very fond of, and we nip out the back for a quickie."
"Now I understand," says the extremely patient doctor.
"No, hang on," says the man. "When I get back to work in the afternoon my
boss - a very demanding lady I might add - has to have me or she says
she'll give me the sack!"
"Ahh...." says the doctor, "now I see."
"No, there's more," says our man, almost in tears."When I get home my
wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and
then we have sex afterwards!"
By now, the exasperated doctor is beginning to lose his cool, "So just
what is your problem?!"
"Well..." says our hero...... "It hurts when I wank.............."
A man and woman are seated next to each
other in First Class on a plane. The woman
sneezes, and then takes a tissue and gently
wipes up under her skirt between her legs.
The man isn't sure he actually saw what he
saw and decides he is hallucinating. A few
minutes pass. The woman sneezes again,
takes a tissue, and gently wipes between her
legs. The man is about to go nuts, he can't
believe what he is seeing.
A few more minutes pass. When the woman
sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and
gently wipes it between her legs yet again.
The man has finally had all he can handle. He
turns to the woman and says, "Three times you
have sneezed, and three times you've taken a
tissue and wiped it between your legs. What
kind of signals are you sending me, or are you
just trying to drive me crazy?"
The woman replies, "I am sorry to have dis-
turbed you, sir. I have a rare medical condition,
such that when I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling guilty, says, "Oh, I'm
sorry. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looks at him and says
"Black Pepper."
True Devotion
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma
for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every
single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to
come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of
tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the
bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there. When I got
shot,you were by my side. When we lost the house, you
stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were
still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to
fill with warmth.
"You're bad luck, why don't you just fuck off!
Say It With Flowers
April Fool
Oi !! Jeff, Thats Our Lunch
Mick Harts NBC - 39
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NO BULL SHIRT
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