IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA: "BAR RESCUE: PADDY'S PUB" Written by Mason Stillwell

Based on, It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia

114 Island Water Way, Apollo Beach, FL 33572 813-956-4696

10:00 PM - ON A SATURDAY - PHILADELPHIA, PA INT. PADDYS PUB - THE BAR Charlie, Frank and Dennis are sitting at the bar drinking beer. CHARLIE Hey, guys? Why are there barely any consumers here? Like, ever? Are we doing something wrong? DENNIS You mean customers? CHARLIE No, dude. Consumers. The people who are supposed to come in here and consume up all the alcohol we give them. DENNIS Well, see Charlie. They would be customers because they buy the alcohol, then we give it to them. To consume. CHARLIE Isnt that what I just said? We need people to consume up the alcohol so they can give us money? Stop twisting my words all around. I read all about it on the internet. FRANK Yeah, Ive been taking him down to the library every once in a while to watch YouTube videos. You know, sort of tutor him a little bit. CHARLIE Yeah hes like the Robin Williams to my Matt Damon. Like I let him do it but I dont really need it, cause Im this undervalued genius with a high school degree. DENNIS Youre just a janitor with a diploma, Charlie. If anything youre overpaid.

2. CHARLIE Diploma? Not familiar with that word. Whats that? Cause I got the award thing, you know, that they give you after your last class that says, Congratulations, GED. They got my name wrong on it I guess. DENNIS Did they? Yeah, they must have gotten your name wrong. Weird. Anyway, we get consumers. Look at that piece of shit over there. CUT TO: INT. THE BACK OF THE BAR - PADDYS PUB A dirty trucker bum is passed out in a booth. CUT TO: INT. PADDYS PUB - THE BAR CHARLIE Who? Jameson? Me and Frank have had some great nights with that guy. DENNIS Why am I not surprised by that, at all? FRANK Yeah, I pay that guy fifteen bucks a day to come in here and linger. DENNIS Why the hell would you do that, Frank? You actually pay that guy to be here? FRANK Yeah and he spends the money here on booze. Its called incentive, Dennis. DENNIS That is not incentive, Frank. That is pointless, and to be honest, just stupid.

3. FRANK Well we gotta get someone in here. Im not making any damn money from the place no more. CHARLIE Yeah, and Im not getting pay checks anymore either.. Who should I talk to about that? DENNIS A paycheck? Frank, why the hell was Charlie getting a paycheck? I havent seen a check in months! FRANK We have bills, Dennis. The place doesnt look like much but we gotta eat.. DENNIS Why wouldnt you just-- What you just said.. This is unbelivable. Stop paying bums money to be in here, Frank, god dammit! No wonder were not getting any business, youre making Paddys a safe-haven for degenerates! Stumbling through the front door is Mac and Sweet Dee. MAC Hey-ooooooooooooo! SWEET DEE (slurred) Whats up you little bitches? DENNIS Jesus, Dee you look disgusting. More importantly though, Frank is paying bums to drink here. Dee sits down at the bar, head in her arms. Mac walks around the front. MAC You talking about Jameson, dude? He points towards the bum who has his head down on the table. MAC (CONTD) Bro, that guy has got some serious problems. Hes awesome though.

4. Dee spots something. SWEET DEE (hiccuping) Crick-t. DENNIS What the hell is she blabbering about? MAC I dont know but everything shes ever said sounds like that to me. Does anyone else get that? In unison, the gang collaborates. DENNIS (in unison) Dude, you get that too? Squawking. CHARLIE (in unison) Oh my God, dude. Every time. Every time. Its like, thats enough. MAC (a second after Charlie) Thats enough. We should tell her that. Dee lifts her head and mumbles again. This time point her finger towards the back door. SWEET DEE (hiccuping) Crick-t. MAC It sounds like shes saying Cricket. DENNIS Oh, what the hell? The gang glances towards the back door to see that Cricket is guiding a group of extremely shady-looking addicts into a back room of the bar. MAC What the hell are they doing?! Why isnt that door locked?

5. FRANK Oh yeah, locks busted. Been that way for a while now. Those things are expensive. CHARLIE Dont even worry about it, guys. If youre not a consumer you gotta get through me. Charlie confidently gets up to lead the pack. MAC (to Dennis) What is he talking about? DENNIS Hes an idiot. The rest of the Gang, excluding Dee who is passed out on the bar top, follows behind Charlie to a door marked with a piece of paper that says: STOREAGE and open it. CHARLIE (screams loudly) Inside, CRICKET and his friends are huddling around each other smoking crack. The intrusion scares one of the addicts, TITO. DENNIS Wait a minute. Just what the hell is this?! TITO (jumping from the ground) You wanna die slow?! Mac rears back into his karate stance and Cricket interrupts. CRICKET Ha. Funny guy, funny guy, funny guy. Just relax, Tito. Everything is cool. Real cool. Let me take care of this. You guys just go back to smokin. Cricket begins to guide the Gang out of the room playfully back into the hallway and shuts the door behind him. DENNIS Cricket, have you--

6. CRICKET (interrupting) Or you can talk. Yeah, you could talk, like always or I could say something. Like, I need you to get the hell out of here. Cricket begins moving closer and closer to the Gang, pushing them back towards the bar. CRICKET (CONTD) See because those guys in there, need a place to smoke. Okay? And this is the safest place in this area. Its actually not even that safe sometimes. Now I havent had a hit all day and those guys are going to beat my ass and do God knows what if they dont have a place to get high. Actually, that guy knows nothing.. I would know, am I right? Ha. But seriously guys, if they dont get to hit some crack cocaine real soon, something bad is gonna happen to all of us, alright? So just back off, okay?! I think you owe me that. You shoot me and do horrible, awful things to me all the time. Its actually a shock Im still alive to be quite honest, okay? A doctor told me that. So just stay the hell out! Cricket turns around and walks back to the door. CRICKET (CONTD) Jameson! Come on, if youre coming! Jameson, the bum, jumps up from his seat and runs into the room. Stay out! CRICKET (CONTD)

The door slams and the Gang stands speechless. CUT TO: ITS ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA TITLE: BAR RESCUE: PADDYS PUB

7.

INT. PADDYS PUB - THE BAR - THE NEXT DAY Dee is hungover behind the bar cleaning beer glasses with a dirty rag, while Dennis and Mac sit at the bar. MAC Dude, how amazing is it that someone is going to come to rescue our bar?! DENNIS I think you need to calm down a little, Mac. The guy they send just goes to these places and yells and screams and pretends to do all this work when really, its the people behind the scenes. MAC Okay, but that guys intense though. I mean have you seen the show? Youd be shocked at how filthy and disgusting some people are. They just let their bar run totally amok. SWEET DEE Im with Dennis, when is this schmuck supposed to get here? Im hungover as shit and I could really use someones help with these glasses. MAC Clean glasses? Just water them down and set them on that rag back there. DENNIS Yeah, besides Dee your talon fingers are the only thing that can secure those glasses properly. MAC Hes right, Dee. It sort of becomes a health issue. Charlie comes in through the front door, dressed unusually nice.

8. CHARLIE Guys, guys. Check this out. I went to the library to do a little research on this Bar Rescue guy.. MAC You went to a library? CHARLIE Yeah, thats kind of my thing now. DENNIS What did you find out? CHARLIE He doesnt exist. Yeah, weird right? I found almost absolutely nothing on him. So Im thinking this is may be some kind of pyrotechnic scheme. DENNIS Im sorry, a what? CHARLIE A pyrotechnic scheme. MAC You mean.. Pyramid. CHARLIE Uh, no dude. Listen, Im the guy who just went to the library so I think I have a little bit more of an idea of whats a pyramid and what isnt. Besides-As Charlie continues a beautiful middle-aged blonde, NICOLE, 39, comes walking through the front door. DENNIS My God. Shh. Charlie, shut the hell up! Dennis and Mac jump from their seats. NICOLE Is this place open? They compete gracefully to her. DENNIS Hi, yeah were open. Is our sign not on again?

9. MAC Hi, Im Mac. Im sort of the owner of this bar. DENNIS Me too. I am also an owner of this bar. NICOLE Thats nice. DENNIS (in unison) Yeah. MAC (in unison) Yeah. NICOLE Okay, well Im gonna go sit down now. DENNIS Absolutely. Right this way, let me get you seated. As she moves towards the bar, Dennis swoops his arm around her, cutting out Mac, and escorts her towards the bar. Once they are there they take a seat. DENNIS (CONTD) This is one of my underlings, she pours all the drinks. She has a hunchback so we try to help her out, you know, the hookers with hunchbacks program? MAC Which I, am a huge supporter of. Dennis and Mac glare at each other. DENNIS Ha. Can I get you a drink? You drink, right? On the house, what do you, uh, you know, get down with? NICOLE I guess Ill have a Cosmo? DENNIS Cosmo. Classy, I like that. Dee, make her a Cosmo.

10. SWEET DEE Aw, sorry. We didnt learn how to make those in the hooker program. DENNIS Ha. Shes a treat. You know, all the crack shes consumed, out on the streets, has probably made her a bit slow. DENNIS (CONTD) (slowly, to Dee) Cos-mo-pol-i-tan. SWEET DEE Why dont you-MAC You know what? Ill make it. Best Cosmo in Philly. Mac slaps his hand down on the bar and jumps over the bar top, on the other side, he flexes. DENNIS Alright. So what, uh, brings you round these parts? Dennis starts twirling her hair, she pulls away. NICOLE Just in the neighborhood. Charlie butts in. CHARLIE By yourself? Oh yeah.. Thats a bad idea. This area is really dangerous, just a really, really bad place to do that sort of thing. DENNIS Charlie, Charlie. Its not that bad, but if you want me to walk you back to your car afterwards.. Quickly, she changes the subject. NICOLE So you guys are the owners? I was told it was a Frank Reynolds.

11. MAC Ah, yes. Frank. He, uh, yeah, hes no longer with us. NICOLE Oh so he sold the bar to you guys? MAC No hes dead. Yeah, we just kinda took it over. You know, to keep the spirit alive. NICOLE Thats probably illegal right? Uh.. MAC

Mac looks to Dennis in desperation but he is just staring at Nicoles face. MAC (CONTD) Well, Dennis here is actually one of his kids. Oh really? NICOLE

DENNIS Yeah, but he was a real piece of shit. Real greedy, selfish, piece of crap. NICOLE Oh. Okay, Im sorry to hear that? Mac finishes making the drink and quickly walks it around the bar to hand it to her himself. MAC ..and there you go. Best Cosmo in Philly. Mac sets down a drink that looks nothing like a Cosmopolitan. It is green and the drink spills over the top of the glass because he sets it down to fast. NICOLE Oh gosh. Okay, are you sure this is a Cosmo? Because it looks-DENNIS Like Goblin piss.

12. MAC Huh? No! I swear its great just have a sip! NICOLE Is that a lipstick stain? She points to a lipstick stain on the martini glass. MAC Let me see. Oh yeah, look at that. Silence. NICOLE Can I have another glass? MAC Jeez, lady. Fine. Mac grabs a rocks glass from the other side of the bar and aggressively pours the drink into it. A twist? NICOLE

MAC A twist too? Okay, hold on. Lets see here.. Mac blindly reaches his arm over the bar top to grab a garnish. MAC (CONTD) Twist.. Twist.. Ah, got it. He quickly throws an old orange slice into her drink. MAC (CONTD) Take a sip! Nicole grins and takes a sip. Well? She coughs. NICOLE Yeah, best Cosmo in Philly. MAC Ha, knew it! MAC (CONTD)

13. DENNIS Listen sweetheart, Im gonna cut right to the chase here. Im going to keep giving you those drinks for free and then what do you say after me and you take it into my office and Ill show you the second best Cosmo in Philly. Dennis starts to move his finger up and down her arm. Nicole flies up from her seat and grabs her purse. NICOLE Oh Jesus. I need to leave now. Nicole grabs her purse and storms out of the bar. MAC Oh god damn it, dude. What the hell was that? DENNIS I dunno, I guess I came on too strong. MAC Jesus. I almost had her. DENNIS You almost had her? MAC Yeah! She loved my drink. DENNIS No she didnt. That drink was awful. Have you ever actually made a Cosmo before? MAC Well, yeah sure. I just did and she loved it, bro! DENNIS You gave her an Orange, Mac! The drink was GREEN. The front door slams open and a tall, powerful looking man with frosted tips, in a blue oxford shirt with a jacket and jeans emerges through the front door. This is GUY FERRARI. GUY FERRARI Excuse me, who the hell was just touching my wife?!

14. Taken aback, Mac points at Dennis. MAC It was him! It was him! GUY FERRARI (to Dennis) You put your hands on my wife? DENNIS Well, she didnt say anything about a husband, sir. So I think you may be yelling at the wrong guy. GUY FERRARI Do you know what I could do to you right now? Do you know what I should do right now? Just what kind of operation are you running here, pal? I could have you thrown in prison! DENNIS Prison? Thats a little unrealistic dont you think? GUY FERRARI Hows this for realistic. Guy pulls out his CELL PHONE and begins to dial 911. DENNIS Ha. Hey, I mean, probably no need for all that. Im sorry, Mister? Ferrari. GUY FERRARI

MAC Oh like the cars? GUY FERRARI No, like the family jackass. DENNIS Im sorry, Mr. Ferrari. Youre wife is just very attractive, and I didnt see a ring-GUY FERRARI Dont push my buttons, man. So far this is the worst thing I have ever walked into in my whole career. (MORE)

15. GUY FERRARI (CONT'D) I havent even started my evaluation of this place yet and Im already pissed off. I want to get it done, now. Right now. Lets see what else I can find to maybe throw your ass in prison. The Gang is silent as Guy begins to explore the bar. GUY FERRARI (CONTD) When was the last time this place was cleaned? Charlie steps up. CHARLIE Well, sir, actually I handle all of the cleaning and I think its in pretty good shape. See, Im glad you noticed because these guys-GUY FERRARI (interrupting) This place is filthy! You clean this place?! He points to an area in the corner of the wall to a patch of cobwebs where spiders are feasting on a dead roach. CHARLIE Well, not so much that corner as-GUY FERRARI (interrupting) So youre responsible then? Look at this filth! Their are roaches hanging from your god damn ceiling! Wheres the owner? I need to speak with him immediately. The Gang looks around for Frank. CHARLIE Hes, uh, out I think? Did he tell you guys where he went? No. No idea. DENNIS MAC

GUY FERRARI Guys, do you see this?

16. CHARLIE Thats been there for months. GUY FERRARI So you know about it, and you do nothing?! DENNIS We keep trying to tell him that it needs to be done. GUY FERRARI No! This is everyones responsibility! How about a little accountability, guys?! This place isnt just filthy, its absolutely disgusting! I might leave and go take a shower, right now! You let your guests sit around this? Thats okay to you? Mac steps in, desperate to get on Guys good side. MAC Ive said it time and time again, Mr. Ferrari. The thing about the guests though is that-GUY FERRARI (interrupting) Shut up, idiot. He turns back to Charlie. GUY FERRARI (CONTD) (to Charlie) Answer me! Is this okay to you?! Would you want to eat or drink around this? What about sleep next to it? CHARLIE My loft is filled with those, sir. Theyre actually a lot friendlier than you would think. GUY FERRARI This is unbelievable. I mean I really just want to walk out of here right now. Guy settles down a bit and looks over to the Bar. Where he catches Sweet Dee cleaning glasses.

17. GUY FERRARI (CONTD)

Oh no.

Guy makes a beeline for the bar. GUY FERRARI (CONTD) Excuse me, miss, what is that youre doing? SWEET DEE Im cleaning glasses? GUY FERRARI And what is that youre using to clean those glasses with? SWEET DEE Oh this? This is a rag. Holding up the rag, Guy snatches it from her hands. Hey! SWEET DEE (CONTD)

GUY FERRARI Youre cleaning glasses with this?! Guy moves the rag closer to Dees face, and she backs away. In a rage, he walks behind the bar to see that theyre setting wet glasses on to a cloth napkin next to the moldy sink. GUY FERRARI (CONTD) Do you people know anything about taking care of a bar? Let me show you something. All of you, come here. The Gang approaches the bar where Guy is holding up a beer glass. GUY FERRARI (CONTD) When glasses get set on a piece of cloth after theyve been cleaned, they cant breathe. So what you have here is bacteria, mold, Ecoli, growing inside of the glasses. Now let me ask you, is this acceptable? The Gang is silent as they struggle for the right answer. GUY FERRARI (CONTD) No, guys! Cmon!

18. The Gang lets out a sigh of relief. Suddenly and short of breath, Frank comes blasting through the back door. I got it! FRANK

Everyone turns to look. FRANK (CONTD) I got the lock, for the back door! Frank, realizing the scene, straightens up. FRANK (CONTD) What the shit is this? CHARLIE Frank, why are you breathing so hard? FRANK I had to run from the cops. Why?! MAC

FRANK Cause I stole a lock for the door! The bastards started chasing me. MAC You stole a lock? From who?! FRANK Some scumbags bicycle from down the street. Who the hell is this clown? GUY FERRARI I need to speak with you for a moment. Lets go to your office. He slams the rag down on the bar top with authority then heads to the back office with Frank. INT. THE OFFICE - PADDYS PUB Frank leads Guy into the office, where Franks newest love interest, a hooker named RAVEN, is impatiently waiting. RAVEN Where da hell you been?!

19. FRANK Im sorry, baby.. Frank and Raven lean in for a no-lip kiss. This is something the couple does where they attempt to kiss each other with their tongues from a distance. FRANK (CONTD) The kids with the bikes were off playing in some alley and I had to hide in the garbage can, it was a mess. RAVEN Well I need to get high! GUY FERRARI Who the hell is this? FRANK Oh, right Raven. This is, whats your name again, pal? GUY FERRARI Get her out of here! Raven is nodding out. GUY FERRARI (CONTD) Did she just die? Look at her! FRANK I hope not. I think shes just taking a little nap. But, you know, I can wake her up and have her slip you a little something if.. GUY FERRARI Just get her the hell out of here! The yelling wakes up Raven. Shiiiiit. RAVEN

She gets up and leaves the Office. GUY FERRARI If Im going fix this place. I need you to tell your people to get to work. You guys asked for a rescue, this is what we do. Youve lost control of this place, am I right in saying that?

20. FRANK I guess so, I mean we all sort of like the way things run around here. GUY FERRARI Well, thats the problem. You need to go out there and get some control. Send someone out to pick up cleaning supplies because this place is filthy and it needs to be cleaned. Then we can continue on with the training. FRANK So I can go out there and yell at them? GUY FERRARI You do what you need to do. FRANK And youll have my back? GUY FERRARI The whole way, buddy. INT. PADDYS PUB - THE BAR FRANK Alright. Listen up, you degenerate scraps of trash. Were gonna turn this place around! Dennis, youre gonna go out and get some of the cleaning supplies. MAC Well, Frank. Mr. Ferrari. I think I would be better equipped for that job. GUY FERRARI Quiet down and listen up! Cause if it was me, I would fire you right here on the spot. FRANK Thank you, Guy. Like I was saying, Dennis heres a list, go get the supplies. Everyone else is gonna start prepping for the clean up with what we already have. (MORE)

21. FRANK (CONT'D) Diandra, you stay behind the bar, and get a clean rag. CHARLIE Should I get my rat stick? FRANK Good idea, Charlie. Yeah, you go take care of the rats. Mac youre gonna take care of the cobwebs, bugs, floor, and the bathroom. MAC What? This is bullshit, Frank. FRANK One more word out of you and youre outta here! MAC This is my bar you son of a bitch! Annoyed, Guy screams. GUY FERRARI One more word and youre fired! Everyone gets quiet and stares at Guy. GUY FERRARI (CONTD) Lets go weve got a lot of work to do. INT. CONVENIENT STORE - DAY Dennis enters a convenient store with a list for supplies. While walking back towards the cleaning aisle, the blonde from the bar, Nicole, suddenly jumps out from behind an aisle. Hi! NICOLE

DENNIS What the hell? NICOLE Did I scare you? Sorry to just jump out at you like that. DENNIS Did you follow me here?

22. NICOLE (laughing) Yeah I did. DENNIS Listen, if this is some kind of set up thing to expose me on TV.. NICOLE No, no. Honestly, earlier.. In the bar, I havent been treated that way in a long time. Guy is always so busy with the show he forgets about me. He forgets about my needs. I had to act that way because of the cameras. DENNIS Oh, alright. Well, thats a lot more honesty than I was expecting right out of the gate but okay, youre welcome. NICOLE Fuck me in the bathroom? INT. PADDYS PUB - THE BAR While Guy and Frank chat in the Office, Mac is scrubbing down the main floor of the bar while Dee continues to clean behind the bar. Charlie emerges from the basement with his rat stick. CHARLIE I was only able to grab one or two. Must of really took care of them the last time. MAC Perfect, Charlie. You can help me out. CHARLIE Well, I kinda have my own job to do. Make sure you really get in the crevice there though, you gotta be really thorough. MAC Oh, well why dont you show me how to do it?

23. CHARLIE Okay. Well, here let me see the scrub. Mac stands up and hands Charlie the scrubber. CHARLIE (CONTD) See, you gotta really do a back and forth here. Not just once or twice but maybe say twenty to thirty times. While Charlie scrubs the floor, Frank and Guy walk out of the Office. GUY FERRARI What is he doing scrubbing the floor? MAC He was just showing me how to do it properly. GUY FERRARI Hey you, get up! Charlie shoots up. GUY FERRARI (CONTD) (To Frank) Should I say something or are you? FRANK Mac, scrub the god damn floor! GUY FERRARI Charlie, is it? CHARLIE Yeah thats right. GUY FERRARI Come with us into the Office. I think its time we talk about a promotion. What?! Really? MAC CHARLIE

GUY FERRARI Yeah I like your attitude.

24. CHARLIE Great. I was hoping this would come up. As Charlie starts to walk with Guy and Frank into the Office Mac reaches out. MAC Charlie, can I talk to you for a second, in the bathroom? CHARLIE In the bathroom? Why? MAC (whispering) In private. CHARLIE Dude, I cant understand what youre saying. GUY FERRARI Thats enough out of you. Keep scrubbing the floor or Ill fire you myself! They walk back into the Office. INT. CONVENIENT STORE - DAY Back at the store, Dennis and Nicole have just finished hooking up in the Mens bathroom and are getting dressed. DENNIS Wow. Ive got to say, that was pretty special. NICOLE Yeah, very special. DENNIS Yeah.. Well, look this was good. You know, great even, but I should probably get the supplies and head back. NICOLE Yeah, supplies. DENNIS Yeah.. This was good though. Glad we took care of business.

25. NICOLE My god, the tension. Its still turning me on. Yeah? DENNIS

NICOLE Yeah, babe. We gonna do this again later? DENNIS Yeah well, you know, dont know how were gonna make that work. But listen, Im sure Ill see you again. I just have to go get these supplies. NICOLE Okay, Ill shop with you. Itll be like were a cute couple. DENNIS Couple? Ha. Uh, okay? Yeah, Im thinking I should probably do it myself though cause I dont wanna get distracted and bore you, you know, with the shopping. NICOLE Oh okay. I see what youre saying. Ill follow you around so people dont think were a couple. So secretive, I love it. DENNIS Thats not what Im saying. NICOLE Right. I know what youre not saying. DENNIS Im gonna go get the supplies now. Nicole winks. NICOLE Right behind you. The conversation continues as they step out of the bathroom and back into the store.

26. DENNIS See what Im really saying though is that you should not follow me. NICOLE Oh, Im not. DENNIS But you are, you are following me. A female employee of the store approaches. STORE EMPLOYEE Hello! Anything I can help you two with? DENNIS No. No, thanks though. Im actually not with her, were not together. So maybe you might want to ask her that question too because were not together. STORE EMPLOYEE Well, it sure looks like you guys are together. I mean you both just came out of the same bathroom. DENNIS Did we? No. No, I dont think so. I think maybe, what you saw, was both doors opening simultaneously so it made it look as though we both came out of the same bathroom. STORE EMPLOYEE Yeah, no. That didnt happen. Its okay though guys, you know, love is sacred. Be free. Your secret is safe with me. DENNIS Secret? Theres no secret. NICOLE Hes too funny isnt he? STORE EMPLOYEE Hilarious. Ill just be right over here if you need anything. Dennis looks at the list and begins to search for what he needs. Behind him is Nicole, and not far away is the Store Employee.

27. STORE EMPLOYEE (CONTD) Looking at some cleaning supplies? Yes. I am. DENNIS

STORE EMPLOYEE These are the cheap ones, the real quality products are right over there. DENNIS Is that so? Okay. STORE EMPLOYEE Sure thing. Just let me know if you need any help. DENNIS Tell you what? I will. Annoyed, Dennis walks over to another aisle. Nicole and the Store Employee following close behind. DENNIS (CONTD) Okay, can you stop following me please? NICOLE Im not following you, remember? She winks. DENNIS Oh, god. No, not you. Her. STORE EMPLOYEE Im sorry is there something you need help with? No! DENNIS

STORE EMPLOYEE Are you talking to me? DENNIS Yes! Who else do you think Im talking to? STORE EMPLOYEE The woman you said you werent with?

28. DENNIS Okay. Both of you, stop following me please. STORE EMPLOYEE Sir, Im not following you. This is my job. DENNIS Jesus Christ! Just forget it. What the hell am I even doing here anyway? Dennis turns and storms out of the store without buying the supplies, Nicole follows close behind. INT. PADDYS PUB - THE BAR Back at the bar, Mac is still cleaning the floor while Dee continues to work behind it. MAC God damn it. Thats it! Ive had enough. SWEET DEE Aw, your little arms starting to hurt? MAC No! Theyre just tired because I did a lot of push-ups today. Somewhere around a thousand so you can come down off your high horse now. Mac approaches the bar. MAC (CONTD) Gimmie a beer. SWEET DEE Oh, your hero probably wouldnt like that. Dee pops the cap on a Coors and sets it on the bar in front of Mac. MAC I dont give a good god damn. Im over this bozo. And where the hell is Dennis? Hes not doing any work, and Charlies getting promoted? (MORE)

29. MAC (CONT'D) You and I are the only people around here actually doing anything. SWEET DEE You were the ones who wanted to fix the bar. I liked the way things were, without all the responsibility. We were able to have fun and be our own place. Wow, Dee. What? MAC SWEET DEE

MAC That has got to be the stupidest thing Ive ever heard! What was that? Is that from Cat in the Hat? Charlie, Guy and Frank emerge from the Office again. GUY FERRARI Why isnt their any work being done out here? CHARLIE You know what, Guy, Ill take care of this. GUY FERRARI Listen up everyone, this is your new floor manager. Frank and I have given him full authority, so youll be following his lead. CHARLIE Thank you, Guy. Now I see that none of us are working. Pretty typical, in fact, were off having a beer. I get it, but thatll be the last one, ever. We need to start being more cost efficient-Mac raises his hand. Yes, Mac? CHARLIE (CONTD)

MAC Can I talk to you about some of the other cleaning I have to do? (MORE)

30. MAC (CONT'D) The bathroom for instance, I could really use some insight on how Charlie Kelly cleans a urinal. CHARLIE Those are tricky.. Okay, first act of business as new floor manager, I will help you with your problem. Great. MAC

Charlie and Mac head for the bathroom. INT. MENS ROOM - PADDYS PUB MAC Dude, what the hell is going on with you? Charlie is trying to speak with an Italian accent. CHARLIE Wit me? What chu mean? MAC What is that? What are you doing? CHARLIE Im a made guy now, this is how I speak. MAC My God, Charlie. We have to get these guys out of here. OH! CHARLIE

MAC Youre not a mobster! CHARLIE Ferrari told me if I speak wit an accent it will help establish my authority. Did he? Yeah. MAC CHARLIE

31. MAC Hes just trying to make you look stupid. CHARLIE I dont think so, eh? MAC Yeah, look hes just trying to get you to do even more work. So Frank and him dont have to do anything. Chu think? CHARLIE

MAC Yeah, dude! So on TV you look like the idiot speaking in an Italian accent and he gets to say he was the brains behind it all. How many interviews have they done with you yet? Charlie breaks. CHARLIE Well, none. MAC Exactly! See? CHARLIE Well, I just thought it was going to happen eventually. MAC Thats what they want you to think! Any TV Star knows you get interviewed most if your an important player. Guy.. CHARLIE

MAC Charlie, no-Charlie storms out of the bathroom, Mac tries to grab him. CHARLIE I want to know if Im being played.

32. INT. PADDYS PUB - THE BAR Charlie and Mac come through the bathroom door into the bar. FERRARI! CHARLIE

Just as Charlie is about to confront Guy, Dennis walks through the front door. MAC Dude, where the hell have you been?! DENNIS I went to get the supplies but I kept being followed-He looks at everyone staring back at him in the room. DENNIS (CONTD) The store, I mean, yeah, packed. Just too many people. It was chaos. Thats probably the only good word for it, I think. FRANK Where are the supplies? DENNIS Didnt get em. FRANK You didnt get the supplies? DENNIS No, Frank. I didnt. I wasnt gonna spend my own god damn money on it. Dee, get me a beer. Guy walks up to Dennis. GUY FERRARI Who do you think you are, pal? DENNIS A man. A man who isnt gonna spend his own money on cleaning supplies, just stupid. GUY FERRARI Youre fired.

33. DENNIS Yeah, you cant fire me. CHARLIE Guy, Ill take care of this. DENNIS Oh, youre going to take care of it? CHARLIE Yeah, well Im the new floor manager now, so.. DENNIS Oh, okay. Youre the new floor manager! Well, I should probably just pack up my things and go then? No. Look, Ive had a long ass day and before, I thought we needed this. But we dont. We dont. Im okay with it all, the crack, the crack heads. I mean floor manager? He laughs. DENNIS (CONTD) This guy cant even read! CHARLIE I can read! I can read! Charlie.. MAC

GUY FERRARI Hey buddy, how about you and me settle this? Ive never met anyone so disrespectful in my life. I outta slam your head into this bar. DENNIS Well, I slept with your wife. So hows that for a head slam? Guy is getting angry. GUY FERRARI What did you just say? DENNIS Yeah, I boned her and listen buddy, you got nothing to brag about. I mean I see why youre ignoring her. (MORE)

34. DENNIS (CONT'D) Jesus Christ, she wont leave me the hell alone! MAC Dude, I had dibs! Did she mention me? Guy turns around with his CELL PHONE and starts making his way towards the back door. GUY FERRARI Im calling the police, before I have to break your neck. Then, Im calling my pal on the liquor board and hes going to shut this place down! Guy approaches the STOREAGE door. GUY FERRARI (CONTD) This place is done. Finished, as of right now so Id start packing up your things, guys. As Guy puts the phone up to his ear, Nicole comes storming in through the front. Oh, great. DENNIS

NICOLE Guy! Guy, wait! I know what he told you and its true. But I had to get your attention somehow. Lets leave this place, babe. These people, these people may be horrible but lets just let it be that way forever. I want to make us last forever. I love you. Before Guy can respond, the STOREAGE door kicks open and Tito, the crack head, stabs Guy Ferrari in the side with a shiv, multiple times and he falls to the floor. NICOLE (CONTD) (screams loudly) Holy shit! MAC

TITO This place aint going nowhere, Esse!

35. Cricket stumbles out of the room, high, to see a dying bloody Guy Ferrari laying on the ground. CRICKET Oh shit, Tito. MAC Jesus Christ! DENNIS Let the asshole die. Charlie, Dee, Nicole, Tito and Cricket are now hovering over Guys body. CHARLIE Guy! Am I still floor manager?! MAC (to Dennis) Dude, what are we gonna do about this? TITO Okay, you guys know the de drill. Take him to de alley. SANTO! Speaking to Cricket. TITO (CONTD) Break his phone! CRICKET What about his wife? TITO We kill her too. Cricket runs into the room to grab a pipe. He emerges from the room equipped, shrugs, then knocks Nicole out with it. He grabs her cell phone and the group carries the bodies out the back door into the alley. MAC Frank, I thought you got a lock! FRANK I didnt have time to put it on the door! The Gang stands in shock. Raven comes stumbling out into the bar.

36. RAVEN Where da hell they go? I paid for drugs, thats what Im gonna get. Silence. CHARLIE This is dark. THE END