The Binner Times edition 1 2014

The Binner Times

PHOTON TORPEDO ATTACK IN VIENNA
COMPUTER FAILIURE IN USS ENTERPRISE NO. NCC 1701 LEAVES HUNDREDS INJURED, BUT NO DEATHS. Viennese sadden at the sight of the smoky ruins of the Stephansdom. 5 photon torpedoes were fired from 1000 km above and hit the Stephansdom. There were no fatalities, but 456 people were burned or photonimated (being blasted by photons). Anne Mc. Catheen (47) was one of the survivors, suffering a strike only 10 meters away from her. It was a blue flash, and it was like a hot oven, she said in an interview at the AKH. Meanwhile, 1000 km above, the USS Enterprise crew was shocked when 5 of its 87 torpedoes were fired for no reason. Captain James T. Kirk (32) was full of guilt when he heard the Earth news that the torpedoes struck Vienna. Thank god no one was killed, he replied in a press con ference. People onboard had noticed computer failures before. The warp drive usually didnt work. On the night of the torpedo accident, they wanted to test flares, but apparently the buttons of the controls were switched. The emergency shutdown didnt work, and five photon torpedoes shot out of the launchers. The creator of the ship, Colleen de Gaulle (56), was prosecuted for wrong programming and fined $1,500,000 This means one thing, Kirk says, NCC-1701-A.

Photon torpedoes are made out of special photon particles that explode upon contact. Once installed, Kirk wanted a button implanted to stop the photons from detonating, but the technician refused. Due to that decision, weapons manager Scotty (41) quit the crew. This is what happens when no security is enabled, he says. Disaster struck when 200 ambulances blocked traffic for 4 hours, leaving a trail of flashing lights for 4 km. Two hotels were evacuated in an hour. The flashing lights disturbed me, says an angry traveler. 24 hours after the accident, fifteen countries banned photon torpedoes, and sent all of them into space. We deeply regret this, says Spock (38) (Engineer manager) and hope this will never happen again.

MINIATURE NUCLEAR EXPLOSION SHAKES APARTMENT

1 METER TALL MUSHROOM CLOUD IN LIVING ROOM
Last Tuesday, Disaster struck at Wattmanngasse 47 in the 13th district. 2 people were watching TV at 9:50 when a Miniature B-18 bomber flew into the room, and dropped a miniature atom bomb. There was a bright flash and then a mushroom cloud appeared out of nowhere. says Annie Coleen(50). No one was seriously harmed. The hazmat team arrived at 10:30 to clean up the mess. This is around 256 millisieverts of radiation. Says Cory McAlon, head of the hazmat team. Nobody knows to whom the plane belongs to, and the thief is still being searched for. Clues? Call 123-4567-890.

KITTY STEALS CAR AND DRIVES TO PET SHOP

POLICE CATCHES KITTY ON THE VERGE OF DRIVING AWAY WITH $10,000 WORTH OF CAT FOOD
Lemony Brian (45) got quite a shock when he found out that someone stole his Mercedes Benz. His Cat Truffles was also missing. Little did he know he was in the Pet store, gradually sneaking cans of Pedigree and Whiskas into Brians car. Beats me how he did it. Says police chef Lukas Augustus. Police swarmed in when the Cat was at the verge of escaping, with $10,000 worth of Cat food. Truffles surrendered and was fined $990,but he was allowed to keep 10 cans.

A picture of truffles driving.

TREE FALLS DOWN ON PORSCHE

Owner came out of shower and finds $100,000 car wrecked
Disaster strikes in Mariahilferstrasse when a dead tree was chopped down. But what the lumberjacks didnt know is that a Porsche was parked under the tree. After the trump was chopped down, the 2 ton tree fell directly at the Porsche, and split it in two. Just as the owner, Madam Augustin, came out. The Lumberjacks were fined $200,000 and another Porsche.

THE PORSHE PARKED UNDER THE TREE.

The Binner Times edition 1 2014

CATS TAKE OVER LOCAL NEWSPAPER FACILITY

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