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What's an actuary?
An accountant without the sense of humour.
What did the terrorist who hijacked a plane full of accountants threaten to do if his
demands weren't met?
Release one every hour.
What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
Go into town and gang-audit someone.
What does an accountant say when you ask him the time?
It's 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait - 13 seconds, no wait - 14 seconds, no wait......
Why did the accountant stare at his glass of orange juice for three hours?
Because on the box it said Concentrate.
Why was the accountant so excited that he completed a jigsaw puzzle in only 59
weeks?
Because on the box it said 8-12 Years.
The accountant was visiting the Museum of Natural History and said to the person
standing next to him, "That dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old."
"I was here ten months ago and the guide said the dinosaur was two billion years old."
What does it mean when an accountant is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?
His desk is level
What's an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Laws of Accounting
1. Trial balances don't
2. Bank reconciliations never do
3. Working Capital does not
4. Return on Investments never will
Accountants carry their calculations to two decimal points just to prove they have a
marvellous sense of humour
My accountant told me that the only reason why my business is looking up is that it's
flat on it's back.
Accountants aren't boring people. They just get excited over boring things.
A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?"
The businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking for."
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
A fellow walks into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in
one of the flower beds. He goes over and says, "Can I help? Have you lost something?
"
"No," says one of the doctors. "We're about to do a heart transplant on an accountant
and we're looking for a suitable stone."
A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first
house he sees and says, "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy.
We're here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about
that?"
The owner replies, "I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant."
The accountant had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for
the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the
pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the
pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term
capital gain?"
"No, son. When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep that wouldn't be tax deductible, but I
like your thinking".
"He's such a sensitive child. Let's wait until he's older before we tell him you're an
accountant."
"Very thoroughly."
"I'm sorry," he says "but it's bad news. You have only six months to live."
The patient says, "Oh Doctor. That's terrible. What should I do?"
They pass a large mob of sheep and the farmer says, "You're pretty good with
numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?"
The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says, "One thousand, eight
hundred and thirty two."
The farmer is amazed. "Exactly right", he says. "How did you work that out so fast?"
"Easy," says the accountant "I counted the number of feet and divided by 4."
"This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for
your new heart."
"I'll take the accountant's heart," says the patient. "I want one that hasn't been used."
An accountant is talking to the young child of one of his friends and says, "Do you
know what I do?'
The managing partner in an accounting firm is very annoyed with one of his junior
partners and has called him in to chastise him.
"How could you possibly advise the client in the way you did? That was completely
unethical. We are always conscious of Ethics in this firm. You do know what Ethics
is don't you?"
The young partner is offended. "Of course I know what Ethics is. It's a county in
southern England."
An Arthur Anderson partner comes back to his office and says to his manager, "Did
you get my message where I said, 'Ship the Enron documents to the Feds'?"
The manager goes white. "Oh My God! I thought you said rip the Enron documents to
shreds."
An auditor is checking the books of an airline. He is puzzled by the excess use of fuel
on a Melbourne to Canberra flight. He rings up the pilot and asks for an explanation.
"It was late at night'" says the pilot, "Canberra was covered in fog and I lost my
bearings."
"I'm sorry," says the auditor, "but you'll have to bear the cost yourself."
An auditor was examining the balance sheet of a mining company that had just bought
a sheep station in the Pilbara area of Western Australia. The reason for the purchase
was partly for the thousands of acres that the station covered and partly for the
thousands of sheep that ranged over those thousands of acres. The auditor, being very
diligent, noted that the value of the sheep formed a significant asset and, like all good
auditors, knew that he would have to verify that asset. He chartered an aircraft and
flew up to the station. The manager was at the airstrip to meet him.
"Hello," he said. "I'm the auditor. I've come to count the sheep."