Letter to D. A love story Andre Gorz You're 82 years old.

You've shrunk six centimetres, you only wei h !" kilos yet you're still #eauti$ul, race$ul and desira#le. %e've lived to ether now $or em'tiness "8 years and & love you more than ever. & once more $eel a nawin mine. & (ust need to tell you these sim'le thin s a ain #e$ore & deal with the issues that have #een eatin thin in my li$e) %hy did & away at me $or some time now. %hy is there so ive such a $alse ima e o$ you in The Traitor, an little o$ you in what &'ve written when our union has #een the most im'ortant ima e that dis$i ures you) *hat #ook was su''osed to show how my commitment to you was the decisive turnin 'oint that ave me the will to live. +o why doesn't 'the wonder$ul love a$$air we'd #e un seven years earlier really come into it) %hy don't & say what $ascinated me a#out you) %hy did & 'resent you as this 'iti$ul creature 'who didn't know a soul, didn't s'eak a word o$ ,rench, would' have destroyed hersel$ without me', when you had your circle o$ $riends, were in a Lausanne theatre com'any and were ea erly awaited #ack in -n land #y a man determined to marry you) & didn't really achieve the 'ro$ound sel$.analysis &'d intended in writin Traitor. & still need to understand, to clari$y so many /uestions . & need to 'iece to ether the story o$ our love to a''reciate its $ull meanin . &t's what has allowed us to #ecome who we are, livin $or each other. &'m writin what our li$e to ether has meant. 0ur a$$air #e an miraculously, love at $irst si ht, more or less. *he day we met, you were surrounded #y three men tryin to show you how to 'lay 'oker. You had masses o$ au#urn hair and the 'eaches.and.cream skin and distinctive sweet voice -n lish women o$ten have. You'd only (ust ste''ed o$$ the train $rom -n land, and all three men were vyin $or your attention in their very limited -n lish. You were strikin , witty and clever, #eauti$ul as a dream. %hen throu h each other and to you now to understand what my li$e has #een, The

in the hollow o$ my chest that is only $illed when your #ody is 'ressed next to

our eyes met, & thou ht1 '& don't stand a chance with her'. & $ound out later that our host had warned you o$$ me1 '2e is an Austrian Jew. *otally devoid o$ interest'. A month later & 'assed you in the street and watched you o #y, $ascinated #y the way you walked . like a dancer. *hen one evenin , as luck would have it, & looked down a side street and cau ht si ht o$ you in the distance. & turned and ran to catch u'. You were walkin $ast. &t had snowed and the drizzle had ested we o made your hair o curly. %ithout thinkin &'d et anywhere, & su dancin . You (ust said, Qui, why not. *hat was 0cto#er 23, 45!6. 7y -n lish was clumsy #ut 'assa#le. &t had #een im'roved #y two American novels &'d (ust translated $or the 'u#lishers, 7ar uerat. *hat $irst time we went out, & athered you'd read a lot, durin and a$ter the war1 8ir inia %ool$, Geor e -liot, *olstoy, 9lato ... %e talked a#out :ritish 'olitics, the di$$erent currents at the heart o$ the La#our 9arty. You were a#le to tell the di$$erence #etween what mattered and what didn't in a $lash. ,aced with a com'lex 'ro#lem, you always knew exactly what decision to make. You had unshakea#le con$idence in the ri htness o$ your (ud ment. %here did you et your assurance) You, too, had had 'arents your rations with your cat, o and ex'lore other woven who'd se'arated. You had le$t them at an early a e, one a$ter the other, and had lived alone those last years o$ the war, sharin *a##y. ,inally, you'd le$t your native land #ehind to

worlds. 2ow could an 'Austrian ;ew', without a sou to his name, interest you) & didn't understand. & didn't know what invisi#le #onds were #ein #etween us. You didn't like talkin the start. %e saw each other a ain. %e went dancin a ain. %e saw Le Diable au corps, with Gerard 9hili''e, to ether. *here's a scene in the $ilm where the heroine asks the sommelier to exchan e a #ottle o$ wine they've started drinkin #ecause, she says, they can taste the cork. %e tried us1 the same trick in a dance hall one ni ht, #ut when the sommelier checked, he challen ed our claim. %e insisted and he relented, #ut not without warnin '<ever set $oot here a ain='. a#out your 'ast. &t was only slowly that &

came to understand what kind o$ $ormative ex'erience made us so close $rom

& had to admire your san $roid and sheer cheek. & said to mysel$ '%e're meant to #e.' At the end o$ our third or $ourth date, & $inally kissed you. %e were in no hurry. & took your clothes o$$ and #ared your #ody slowly, with reat care. & discovered (ust how ma ically reality can coincide with the low over your $ace. & you azed on this miracle o$ stren th ivin yoursel$ and ima inary. You were a miracle, 8enus de 7ilo made $lesh. *he luminous sheen o$ your throat cast a and so$tness $or a lon 'leasure is not somethin callin $orth the other com'letely. &n the weeks that $ollowed, we saw each other virtually every ni ht. You 'shared the old #attered so$a that & used as a #ed. +ince it was only >? centimetres wide, we had to snu le u' ti htly to ether. A'art $rom the so$a, the only other thin s in my room were a #ookshel$ made out o$ #oards and #ricks, a hu e ta#le cluttered with 'a'ers, a chair and an electric heater. You weren't sur'rised #y my monk.like existence. & wasn't sur'rised you acce'ted it. :e$ore & knew you, &'d never s'ent more than two hours with a ettin #ored and lettin irl without her know it. %hat ca'tivated me a#out you was that while, lost $or words. %ith you, & understood that ive or take. &t's a way o$ ave ourselves to each

i$t o$ sel$ $rom the other 'erson. %e

you o'ened the door to another world $or me. *he values that dominated my childhood had no 'lace there. *hat world enchanted me. & could leave the real world #ehind and #e someone else, without any ties or o#li ations. %ith you, & was elsewhere, in a $orei n 'lace, $orei n to mysel$. You ave me access to another dimension when &'d always re(ected any $ixed identity and (ust worn di$$erent identities on to' o$ each other, thou h none o$ them were mine. :y s'eakin to you in -n lish, & made your lan ua e mine. &'ve continued to talk to you in -n lish ri ht u' to this day, even when you answer me in ,rench. ,or me, -n lish, which & knew mainly throu h you and throu h #ooks, was $rom the start like a 'rivate lan ua e that 'reserved our intimacy a ainst the intrusion o$ the real world, and its 'revailin social norms. & $elt like & was #uildin a 'rotected and 'rotective world with you.

%e could never have come to ether like this i$ you'd had a stron to anythin $eelin

sense o$

#elon in , o$ havin roots dee' in :ritish culture. :ut you didn't. %hen it came :ritish, you ke't a critical distance, thou h that didn't sto' you dee'ly connected to what was $amiliar to you $rom childhood. & used to

say you were an 'ex'ort only', one o$ those 'roducts reserved $or ex'ort that you can never $ind in Great :ritain itsel$. %e #oth #ecame 'assionate a#out the outcome o$ the elections in Great :ritain, #ut that was #ecause what was at stake there was the $uture o$ socialism, not o$ the @nited Ain dom. *he worst insult anyone could direct at you was to accuse you o$ takin :ritain's side on anythin much later, durin out o$ a sense o$ 'atriotism. &'d have 'roo$ o$ this :ritain's side out o$ the war in a #id to the invasion o$ the ,alklands #y Ar entine $orces. An

illustrious visitor at the time tried to claim you were takin Ar entina was u' to. You said it was o#viously conductin the :ritish would $inally #rin a#out its colla'se. :ut &'m ettin

'atriotism. You retorted tartly that only a moron could $ail to see what restore the $ortunes o$ the militaro.$ascist dictatorshi' and that the victory o$ ahead o$ mysel$ &n those $irst weeks, & was deli hted #y

your $ree and easy attitude towards your culture o$ ori in #ut also #y the su#stance o$ that culture as it had #een 'assed on to you when you were little1 a certain way o$ makin li ht o$ the ravest ordeals, a sense o$ humility camou$la ed as sel$.de'recatin humour and most es'ecially your nursery

rhymes, $iercely nonsensical and cleverly rhymed as they are. ,or instance1 *hree #lind miceB+ee how they runB*hey all run a$ter the $armer's wi$eB%ho cut o$$ their tails with a carvin kni$e BDid you ever see such $un in your li$eB As three #lind mice)' & wanted you to tell me a#out your childhood down to the very last detail. & knew you'd rown u' at your od$ather's, in a house with a arden #y the sea, with your do , ;ock, who used to #ury his #ones in the $lower#eds and could never $ind them a ain a$terwardsC that your axle o$ your tricycle ridin od$ather had a wireless set with #atteries that had to #e rechar ed every week. & knew you re ularly #roke the down the ste' onto the $oot'athC that at school you took hold o$ your 'encil in your le$t hand and sat on #oth your hands in

de$iance o$ the schoolmistress who wanted to $orce you to write with your ri ht hand. Your od$ather, who was /uite a 'ower$ul $i ure, told you the teacher was a cretin and went and had words with her. 2earin this story, & understood that seriousness and res'ect $or authority were $orei n to you and always would #e. :ut none. o$ that can account $or the invisi#le #ond that made us $eel united $rom the very #e innin . &t didn't matter how unalike we were, & still $elt %e had somethin $undamental in common, a sort o$ ori inal wound. -arlier & mentioned a '$ormative ex'erience'1 it was the ex'erience o$ insecurity. *he nature o$ this insecurity was not the same in you as in me. :ut that didn't matter1 $or you, as $or me, it meant not havin an assured 'lace in the world. %ea only ever have the one we carved out $or ourselves. %e had to come to terms with our autonomy and la discover a little $urther down the track that you were #etter 're'ared $or that than & was. You'd lived m insecurity $rom early childhood. Your mother had married very youn . +he'd #een se'arated $rom her hus#and almost immediately #y the war o$ 454!. A$ter $our years, he returned $rom the war and was classi$ied a disa#led exserviceman. ,or several years, he tried to make a o o$ $amily li$e a ain #ut it didn't work. ,inally, he went o$$ to live in an old soldiers' home. Your mother was almost as #eauti$ul as you, (ud in #y the 'hotos, and she had a strin o$ relationshi's with other men. 0ne o$ these men, who was od$ather, had retired to a 'retty town on the the world. You were a#out $our years old when 4" you with your always 'resented to you as your coast a$ter a li$e o$ roamin

your mother took you to live with him. :ut they didn't last as a cou'le, either. Your mother walked out a$ter a#out two years, leavin od$ather, who was very attached to you. +he came #ack to see you o$ten in the years that $ollowed. :ut each o$ her visits ended in #itter wran lin #etween her and the man you called your ' od$ather' #ut who you knew, in your heart o$ hearts, was your $ather. *hey #oth tried to make you take their side a ainst the other. & can ima ine your distress and your loneliness. You told yoursel$ that, i$ this was love, i$ this was a cou'le, you'd rather live on your own and never #e

in love. And as your 'arents' $i hts were mainly over money, you told yoursel$ that love had to think nothin o$ money to #e true. ,rom the a e o$ seven, you knew you couldn't trust any adult. <ot your schoolmistress, who your od$ather said was a cretinC not your 'arents, who took you hosta eC not the local 'astor, who, on one o$ his visits to your od$ather, started rantin a ainst the ;ews. You said to him1 ':ut ;esus was a ;ew=' '7y dear child1 he shot #ack, ';esus was the +on o$ God.' You had no 'lace o$ your own in the world o$ adults. &t was sink or swim $or you . you couldn't hel' #ut #e stron #ecause your whole world was so 'recarious. &'ve always $elt your stren th at the same time as your underlyin $ra ility. & loved your $ra ility when you weren't a$raid to let it show. %e were #oth children o$ 'recariousness and con$lict. %e were made to 'rotect each other $rom #oth. %e needed to create to ether, #y #ein to ether, the 'lace in the world that we'd ori inally #een denied. :ut, $or that, our love also had to #e a 'act $or li$e. &'ve never 'ut all this into words so clearly. & knew it in my heart o$ hearts and & sensed you knew it. :ut it took so lon stru le. $or somethin so o#vious to work its way $rom real li$e into my thou hts and actionC it's #een such a lon %e had to 'art at the end o$ the year. &'d #een se'arated $rom my $amily when & was 4>C & was to see them a ain when & was nearly 2", once the war was over. *hey'd #ecome as $orei n to me as what had once #een my country. &'d decided to come #ack to Lausanne a$ter a $ew weeks, #ut you must have #een a$raid my $amily would ra# me and han on to me. A $riend lent us his a'artment $or our last two days to ether. %e 48 had a real #ed, a kitchen where you cooked a real meal. %e went to the station to ether, without s'eakin a word. & think now that we should have ot en a ed ri ht then and there. At that 'recise moment, & would have #een ready $or it. 0n the railway 'lat$orm, & 'ulled out o$ my 'ocket the %hile & was in 8ienna, & had the #i with its old watch chain that & was su''osed salon o$ the a'artment all to mysel$, to take #ack to my $ather and & hun it around your neck. rand 'iano, its #ookshelves, its 'aintin s. &'d shut mysel$ in there in

the mornin , then sneak out to ex'lore the ruins o$ the old town, and only see my $amily at dinnertime. & rewrote Dha'ter *wo o$ the -ssay1 'Aesthetic Donversion, ;oy and the :eauti$ul' and read Dos 9assos' *hree +oldiers and *he Donce't i$ 7ediation in 2e els 9hiloso'hy, or & think that was the title. At the end o$ ;anuary, & told my mother &'d #e oin 'home', to Lausanne, $or my #irthday. ':ut what's kee'in you there)' she asked. & said1 '7y room, my #ooks, my $riends and a woman & love.' &'d only sent you a sin le letter descri#in my nearest and dearest, ho'in sent you a tele ram1 ETillSaturday dearestF. & think you were already in my room when & ot home. Anyone could 'ick the lock with a 'ocket kni$e or a hair'in. &t was ,e#ruary, and since the little wood stove was out o$ action, the only way to stay warm was to ho' into #ed. *he intense clarity o$ the memories & still have tells me how much & loved you, how much we loved each other. 0ver the next three months, we thou ht a#out ettin married. & had o#(ections o$ 'rinci'le, ideolo ical o#(ections. & held marria e to #e a #our eois institutionC & thou ht it was a le al $ormalityC one which socially tamed a relationshi' that, 'recisely #ecause it was #ased on love, #ound two 'eo'le throu h what was the least social thin a#out them. *he le al tie had a tendency, and even the ex'ress mission, to take on a li$e o$ its own, inde'endent o$ the ex'erience and $eelin s o$ the cou'le involved. & also said1 %ho's to say that in ten or twenty years time our li$elon with what we want in terms o$ who we've #ecome)' Your re'ly was unanswera#le1 '&$ you (oin with someone $or li$e in marria e, you share your lives to ether and you re$rain $rom doin dama e your marria e. :uildin chan in +artre. &n 7ay, we $inally decided to o ahead, at least $or the moment. & sent word to my mother, askin her to $orward the necessary documents. +he res'onded 'ro(ect and you never $inish rein$orcin it, ada'tin what mi ht divide or it, resha'in it to $it your li$e to ether as a cou'le is your common 'act will corres'ond 8ienna and the closed world o$ you'd never meet them. *hat 'articular day &

situations. %e will #e what we do to ether.' *hat was almost 'ure

#y havin

my handwritin

analysed and sendin

me the

ra'holo ist's ex'ert

re'ort esta#lishin

that we, you and &, were #y nature incom'ati#le. &

remem#er 7ay 8. *hat's the day my mother came to Lausanne. la decided we'd o and see her to ether at her hotel, at $our o'clock in the a$ternoon. You sat in the hotel lo##y while & went to alert my mother. +he was stretched out on the #ed with a #ook. '&'ve come with Dorine,' & said. '& want to introduce her to you.' '%ho's Dorine)' my mother asked. '%hat's she to me)' '%e're oin to et married.' 7y mother was a hast. +he 'roceeded to list all the reasons why the marria e was out o$ the /uestion. '+he's waitin $or you downstairs,' & said. 'Don't you want to see her)' '<o.' '&'ll #e o$$ then.' 'Dome on, we're leavin ', & said to you. '+he doesn't want to see you.' You had hardly had time to the ha''y to meet you at last=' Your utter lack o$ a$$ectation, her a$$ected re$inement1 how 'roud & was o$ the way you $aced this rande dame 'uttin on airs and races and #ra in a#out the education she'd to our union. -verythin could then have #een so sim'le. *he most radiant creature on earth was ready to share her li$e with me. You had entree into ''olite society', the u''ercrust circles &'d never associated withC my $riends envied meC men would turn their heads to look at you whenever we were out walkin name) 0n 'a'er, & could cite 2ero and Leandre, *ristan and lsolda, Gomeo and ;uliette and show how love is the mutual $ascination o$ two individuals #ased 'recisely on what is least de$ina#le a#out them, least socialisa#le, most resistant to the roles and ima es o$ themselves that society im'oses on them. hand in hand. 2ow come you'd chosen this 'Austrian ;ew' who didn't have a sou to his iven her son= 2ow 'roud & was o$ your contem't ather your thin s when my mother, very much rande dame, came down the stairs, callin 1 'Dorine, my dear, &'m so

$or the issue o$ money which was, $or my mother, an insurmounta#le o#stacle

%e could share almost everythin

#ecause we had almost nothin

to start

with. All & had to do was consent to live the li$e & was livin , to love, more than anythin , your eyes, your voice, your smell, your lovely ta'ered $in ers, your way o$ inha#itin your #ody, $or the whole $uture to o'en u' to us. 0nly, this was the thin 1 you'd 'rovided me with the 'ossi#ility o$ away $rom mysel$ and makin a messen er $rom that world. %ith you, & could were 'art and 'arcel o$ that dissolvin #een workin ettin mysel$ at home in another world. You were like ive my real sel$ a rest. You o$ reality . mysel$ included . that &'d

on $or seven or ei ht years throu h writin . ,or me, you were

the herald out in $ront who showed me how to 'ut the menacin world on hold. &n that world & was a re$u ee whose existence was not le itimate, whose $uture never went #eyond the three months o$ a tem'orary visa. & had no desire to come #ack to earth. &'d $ound re$u e in a ma ical ex'erience and & wasn't a#out to let it to et dra ed down into reality. As $ar #ack as & can remem#er, &'d always sou ht not to exist. You've had to work $or years on end et me to acce't the $act that & do exist. And & really don't think your work *here areH several other ways o$ ex'lainin my reluctance to et married. is over yet. *hat reluctance may have theoretical, ideolo ical under'innin s that ex'lain it away. :ut the main reason was what &'ve (ust summed u' . the $act that & $elt sa$er livin with you in our own 'rivate world, $ar $rom the reality that marria e im'lies. And so & took the o$$icial ste's our marria e re/uired, #ut only hal$. heartedly. & should have realised that, in your mind, it had nothin show, /uite sim'ly, that we were to ether $or to do with the le alisation or the socialisation o$ our union. *he whole 'oint o$ it was to ood, that & was ready to make this 'act $or li$e with you #y which each o$ us 'romised their loyalty, their devotion and their tender a$$ection to the other. You've always #een $aith$ul to the 'act. :ut you weren't sure at that 'oint i$ &d. know how to remain $aith$ul to it. 7y reservations, my silences $uelled your dou#ts. Gi ht u' to that summer's day when you told me calmly that you didn't want to wait anymore $or me to make u' my mind. You could understand that & mi ht not want to settle down with you. &n which case you'd rather leave me #e$ore our

relationshi' de enerated into $i htin and in$idelity. '7en don't know how to end thin s,' you said. '%omen 're$er a clean #reak.' *he #est thin , you su ested, would #e $or us to se'arate $or a month to ive me time to decide what & wanted . & knew then and there that & didn't need any time to thinkC that i$ & let you o &'d s'end the rest o$ my li$e lon in $or you. You were the $irst woman & was a#le to love #ody and soul, to $eel dee'ly connected to. You were my $irst true love, to 'ut it sim'ly. &$ & wasn't ca'a#le o$ lovin wanted us to #e to ether $or as lon as we lived. You le$t two days later to s'end time with $riends who had a #i country estate in -n land. You'd stayed with them there (ust a$ter the war. At that time you'd #ottle.$ed a #a#y lam# and, (ust like in one o$ your nursery rhymes, it $ollowed you wherever you went. & thou ht o$ the ha''iness animals ave you, o$ the owner o$ the estate who was in love with you and convinced youd a ree to marry him a$ter your so(ourn 'on the Dontinent'. You 'romised me you'd come #ack #ut & wasn't entirely reassured. You could make a o o$ your li$e more easily without me than with me. you didn't ood head $or or anisationC you had a reat sense o$ need anyone to make your way in the world. You had natural authority, a real way with 'eo'le and a humourC you were com$orta#le and made everyone else $eel com$orta#le in all situationsC everyone you came across soon told you their secrets and turned to you $or advice. You ras'ed other 'eo'le's 'ro#lems intuitively, with amazin s'eed, and hel'ed them see clearly into themselves and sort themselves out. & wrote to you every day care o$ an ancient war widow who lived in London on one 'ound a week. You loved her dearly. 7y letters were $ull o$ tenderness. & was aware o$ needin anyone #ut you. You came #ack towards the end o$ summer to share my destitution. You slotted in to Lausanrie society more easily than &'d ever done. & mainly s'ent time with mem#ers o$ an association o$ $ormer arts students. A$ter a $ew months, your circle o$ male $riends . and admirin $emale $riends . was lar er than mine. You were in a theatre com'any $ounded #y Dharles A'otheloz. 2is you i$ & was to $ind my wayC o$ not #ein a#le to love you $or ood, &'d never love anyone. & $ound words &'d never known how to sayC words to tell you that &

troo' called itsel$ Les Faux Nez, *he ,alse <oses, which was the title o$ a 'lay 'A'oth' had written, #ased on a scri't o$ +artre's 'u#lished in La Revue du cine a in 45!6. You went to rehearsals $or the 'lay and were in three 'er$ormances in Lausanne and 7ontreux. You made much $aster 'ro ress in ,rench thanks to the theatre rather than to me, &'m sure. & tried to learnin et you to use a German method that consisted o$ at least thirty 'a es o$ a #ook #y heart. %e chose Damus' The

!utsider which starts like this1 '7other died today. 0r may#e yesterday. & received a tele ram $rom the home1 '7other 'assed away. ,uneral tomorrow. Yours sincerely' . *o this day that $irst 'a e continues to make us lau h whenever we recite it. &n no time at all you were makin more money than & was1 throu h -n lish one #lind. You lessons at $irst, then as secretary to a :ritish writer who'd $or a walk $or an hour, in the mornin uidin

would read to her, she'd dictate her mail, and in the a$ternoon you'd take her her #y the arm. +he 'aid you, on the #lack market, o#viously, hal$ o$ what we needed to survive. You started work at ei ht and, when you came home $or lunch, &'d only (ust #e u' out o$ until one o'clock or three o'clock in the mornin . You #ed. la stay u' writin

never com'lained. &'d reached the second volume o$ the -ssay which was su''osed to di$$erentiate individual relationshi's with others accordin to some essential hierarchy. & had a lot o$ trou#le with love Ito which +artre devoted a#out thirty 'a es in :ein the exclusion o$ all others. At the time, & didn't look $or the answer to the /uestion in the ex'erience & was actually oin throu h. & hadn't discovered, as &'ve (ust done here, what the #asis o$ our love was. 0r that the o#session, at once 'ain$ul and delicious, with our a''etite $or our #odies always coincides and is always renewed, however $leetin ly . and when & say #odies, &'m not $or ettin the #ody' $or 7erleau.9onty as well as $or +artre . ex'eriences that have their roots dee' in childhood. &t movin that 'the soul is oes #ack to $ormative oes #ack to the initial, in and <othin nessJ $or no one can ex'lain, 'hiloso'hically, why you love and want to #e loved #y a 'articular 'erson to

ori inal discovery o$ the emotions that a voice, a smell, a skin colour, a way o$ and #ein , which will $orever #e the ideal norm can set resonatin

me. *hat's it1 #ein

'assionately in love is a way o$ resonatin

with the other,

#ody and soul, and with her or him alone. %e are somewhat short o$ and way #eyond 'hiloso'hy here. 0ur years #$ livin hand to mouth ended tem'orarily in the summer o$ 45!5. :ecause we #oth cam'ai ned $or Ditizens o$ the %orld, and hawked their 'a'er on the streets o$ Lausanne, the international secretaryC Gene :ovard, whoa done time as a conscientious o#(ector, 'ro'osed that & #ecome his secretary in 9aris1 the secretary o$ the secretary. ,or the $irst time in my li$e, & was $ormally hired and 'aid a re ular salary. %e discovered 9aris to ether, you and &. *hen, and in all the (o#s &'ve had since, you took on your share o$ the work & had to do. You o$ten came to the o$$ice to hel' o'en and sort the thousands o$ letters lyin around unanswered. You hel'ed dra$t circulars in -n lish. %e made $riends with the $orei ners who came to visit the o$$ice and would take them out to lunch. %e were no lon er united only in our 'rivate li$e, #ut also #y (oint action in the 'u#lic s'here. -xce't that at ten o'clock at ni ht &'d work on the -ssay a ain until two or three in the mornin . 'Dome to #ed', you'd say a$ter a#out three. &'d answer '&'m comin ' and you 'Don't #e comin , come=' *here was never any re'roach in your voice. & loved you $or clamourin needed. You'd married someone, you said, couldn't live without wwritin and you knew that a 'erson who wanted to #e a writer needs to #e a#le to shut themselves away in seclusion, to make notes at any hour o$ the day or ni htC that their work with lan ua e meal or a conversation. '&$ only & knew what was oin throu h your mind,' you'd sometimes say, one throu h it yoursel$ a $low o$ words endlessly to eva'orate i$ a code word or a $aced with my lon dreamy silences. :ut you did know, $rom havin seekin reworkedC ideas dawnin their most crystal.clear orderC snatches o$ sentences #ein then threatenin oes on well a$ter they've laid down their 'en and can take com'lete 'ossession o$ them without warnin , in the middle o$ a $or me while leavin me all the time &

sym#ol didn't swi$tly $ix them in memory. *o love a writer is to love him writin , you said. '+o, write='

Little did we know la need another six years to $inish the -ssay. %ould & have stuck with it i$ &'d known) '&'m sure you would have, you say. &t's not what you write that's the essential thin write. *o write means takin $or a writer. Your essential need is to leave o$ the world and o$ yoursel$ in order to turn

#oth yoursel$ and the world into 'otential material $or literary com'ositions. &t's only secondarily that the 'su#(ect' dealt with comes into 'lay. *he su#(ect is the necessary condition, #ut it is incidental to the 'rocess o$ writin . Any su#(ect is ri ht i$ it allows writin . ,or six years, u' to 45!>, & ke't a 'diary'. & wrote to ward o$$ an st. & wrote anythin that came into my head. & was a note.maker. A note.maker #ecomes a writer when his or her need to write is sustained #y a su#(ect that allows, in $act demands, that this need #e or anised into a 'ro(ect. *here are millions o$ us who s'end our lives writin without ever $inishin or 'u#lishin anythin . You yoursel$ went throu h that. You knew, $rom the start, o$ autumn, 45!5. &t never occurred to us that you'd have to 'rotect my writin inde$initely. %e were married at the #e innin to ask $or the leave we were entitled to. & think my salary was undeclared. %e 'ut aside whatever we earned a#ove the minimum wa e in a s'ecial savin s account, convinced o$ the 'recariousness o$ my (o# at Ditizens o$ the %orld. %hen, in the s'rin lon o$ 45"?, Ditizens o$ the %orld showed me the door, all lee. You were the rock on which you said was1 '%e'll mana e 'er$ectly well without them'. You $aced u' to a year o$ material hardshi' almost with we could #uild our li$e as a cou'le. & don't know how you did it #ut you mana ed to rustle u' all kinds o$ odd (o#s. You 'osed as a model at the Grande Dhaumiere o$ a mornin . An amateur 'ainter, a retired insurance a ent, ot you to sit $or two hours every day so he could do your 'ortrait. You with $ive or six others to collect $ound students $or your -n lish lessons. An &talian we'd hel'ed out when we were in Ditizens o$ the %orld hired you alon old 'a'ers. You or anised week.lon visits $or rou's o$ -n lish school#oys and acted as their uide. *hey were always amazed to discover, at the &nualides, the way ,rance worshi''ed <a'oleon. ,or them, the man was (ust a dictator who'd #een de$eated #y %ellin ton and de'orted to a :ritish island. You set them

strai ht. +everal teachers and school#oys continued to write to you $or years. You threw yoursel$ into everythin you did. Livin hand to mouth ave you win s. &t made me, on the other hand, o into a dark de'ression. %as it at that 'oint, or #e$ore, or a$ter) & t was summer, anywayC we were admirin the aerial acro#atics o$ the swallows in the courtyard o$ our a'artment #lock and you said1 '+o much $reedom $or so little res'onsi#ility=' At lunch, you said1 'Do you know you haven't said a word to me $or three days)' & wonder i$ you didn't $eel more alone with me than i$ you'd lived on your own. & never told you at the time the reasons why & was $eelin so #leak. & would've #een ashamed to. & admired your assurance, your con$idence in the $uture, your a#ility to seize whatever moments o$ ha''iness came alon . & loved. the $act that one day you had lunch with :etty eatin only #lack cherries $rom a #i 'a'er cone in the s/uare in the middle o$ +aint.Germain. You had $ace. & only had a et it extended, & had to have a (o#. & went session and more $riends than & did. ,or me, hardshi' had a harrowin tem'orary resident's visa and, to

out to 9antin where a chemical 'lant was lookin $or an archivist.translator #ut & was over. /uali$ied $or that (o#. & went and sat throu h a recruitin $or insurance a ents, #ut the work consisted o$ hammerin si nin oin door.knockin

the 'oor residents with some s'iel desi ned to $orce them into

a contract. *hanks to +artre's intervention, & ot 7arcel Duhamel to let

me translate a detective novel, #ut that only re'resented six weeks' work, without any $ollow.u'. & sat $or a test at @<-+D0 as a German translator and came second out o$ a#out thirty candidates. la cart mysel$ o$$ to @<-+D0 every month to see i$ there was any 'osition vacant it didn't matter what. :ut there never , was. & discovered you can't et anywhere without 'connections', #ut we didn't have any. & had no real contacts in the intellectual world and there was no one with whom & could talk over the 'hiloso'hical ideas my ima ination was teemin with in those days. & was starin at $ailure. Your con$idence consoled me #ut mysel$ known at didn't make me $eel any sa$er. &n the end, thanks to makin military attache there. &

@<-+D0, & landed a tem'orary (o# at the &ndian -m#assyC as secretary to the ave two.hour lessons every day to the attache's dau hters and then drew u' re'orts on the #alance o$ $orces in -uro'e, re'orts

hed then send o$$, (ust as they were, to his home youC that you deserved #etter. *hose days o$ livin

overnment. *hat at least

allowed me to exercise some o$ my talents. & had the $eelin & wasn't worthy o$

hand to mouth came to an end in s'rin , 45"4. *hanks

to a $amous (ournalist an American $riend named ;ane introduced us to, & $ound work that seemed tailor.made $or me1 & was to edit a new one. 'a e round.u' o$ the $orei n 'ress $or a daily evenin editorial o$$ice was in a crum#lin a'artment #uildin 'a'er, 9aris.9resse. *he in the rue du Droissant,

ri ht next to the ca$e where ;ean ;aures was assassinated. -very day the 'revue de 'resse' received a#out $orty news'a'ers or weeklies1 all the :ritish 'u#lications, $rom the most serious to the most $rivolousC all the American weeklies, 'lus three dailies whose two kilos o$ 'a'er $uelled the little metal stove that heated our one.room a'artmentC 'lus the German, +wiss, :el ian 'ress and two &talian dailies. *here were only two o$ us (ournalists there to mine this mass o$ in$ormation. +o & swi$tly #ecame the chie$ editor o$ the service. You o$ten came in to the o$$ice to o throu h a ood 'art o$ the -n lish.lan ua e 'u#lications, cuttin out and classi$yin $eature articles. Your ele ance and your :ritish sense o$ humour caused my stocks to rise with the #osses. & accumulated a (ournalist's encyclo'aedic knowled e on (ust a#out every country and every issue, includin technoscienti$ic, medical and military issues. *hanks to the dozens o$ $iles that you $ed me day a$ter day, in one ni ht & could write a whole 'a e o$ the 'a'er on (ust a#out anythin and everythin . 0ver the next thirty years, you continued to kee' u' to date, to ex'and and mana e the material you #e an amassin knew that & couldn't do without you. 0ur married li$e had never #een as $ull and vi#rant as it #ecame a$ter & (oined the 'a'er. %e com'lemented each other. 0n to' o$ the 'ress roundu', which was a $ull.time (o#, & was em'loyed 'art.time on the $orei n desk. & was 'er$ectly 'in my element' in that (o#1 it consisted o$ 'uttin mysel$ somewhere else, o$ attendin exclusively to what was $orei n to my circle and to the 'u#lic in 45"4. &t $ollowed me to L"#xpress in 45"" and to the Nouvel !bseroateur in 45>!. 7y su#se/uent em'loyers

$or whom & wroteC o$ makin

mysel$ a#sent. & looked at the world throu h mysel$ in the 'icture. & learned the

$orei n eyes, learned to ste' aside and let the $acts come to the $ore, to let them s'eak $or themselves, without 'uttin #ein tricks o$ o#(ectivity, in other words. & was in my 'ro'er 'lace #y dint o$ not there. ,rom that 'oint on the -ssay only mono'olised me $rom ten o'clock at ni ht until midni ht and at weekends. &t would've #een /uite a ha''y time i$ we hadn't had to leave the room in the rue des +aints.9eres that a $riend, a woman we'd met in Lausanne, had lent us $or three years. *he #est we could come u' with was two little attic rooms se'arated #y the landin in an a'artment #lock in the eleventh arrondissement. @' until then, we'd lived in 'overty #ut never in u liness. %e discovered that you're worse o$$ in the rue +aint.7aur than in +aint.Germain. des.9res, even i$ you're makin more money. You $elt 'ersonally like you were in exile in that 'art o$ town. %hen you didn't come in to the 'a'er, you were lonelyC cut.o$$. You didn't see your $riends nearly as o$ten, now that they were a deserted streets, dusty sho's. You #ecame sad. A$ter two or three years livin in exile like this, li$e took a turn $or the ood hal$.hour away #y metro. #ut %henever you le$t the house, wherever you went, . there was nothin

#etter. & was hired #y L"#xpress. *he research material you'd com'iled had #een a real asset in landin the (o#. & remem#er exactly how it ha''ened. L"#xpress had #ecome a daily desi ned to su''ort 9ierre 7endes ,rance's electoral cam'ai n o$ 45"".">. %hen the 'a'er went #ack to #ein a weekly a ain, the (ournalists on the daily, o$ which & was one, were told they'd #e sacked unless they could 'rove themselves in the $irst issues o$ the new $ormat. & remem#er writin a $eature on 'eace$ul coexistence, /uotin a s'eech o$ -isenhower's $rom three years earlier outlinin all that #rou ht the

American and +oviet 'eo'les to ether. At the time no one had #ylines at L"#xpress. ;;++, as we called ;ean.;ac/ues +ervan.+chrei#er, cited mine as a 'er$ect exam'le o$ the kind o$ thin he was lookin $or and ended on this note1 '2ere's a 'erson who knows the value o$ solid source material'. %e ac/uired, you and &, a re'utation $or #ein inse'ara#le, 'o#sessionally

concerned $or each other', ;ean Daniel would later write. & mana ed to $inish the -ssay in the course o$ those same weeks and a $ew days later we $ound a small rundown a'artment in the rue du :ac at an amazin ly low 'rice. All we'd ho'ed $or was a#out to ha''en. &'ve descri#ed elsewhere the rece'tion +artre manuscri't was never oin ave the sta erin mass o$ 'a es & $oisted on him. & realised then what &'d known $rom the start1 that to $ind a 'u#lisher, even i$ +artre recommended it I'You over.estimate my 'ower,' he saidJ. You saw how #adly & took it, then the way & #lindly re$used to come to terms with the 'ro#lem1 & #e an writin was to #ecome the start o$ a new #ook. & wondered how you could #ear the $act that work &'d su#ordinated everythin else to $or as lon to oin as you'd known me had ended in $ailure. And mysel$ head $irst into a new here & was, tryin venture that was et over it #y launchin a devastatin attack on mysel$ that

to mono'olise me $or God knows how lon . :ut you

didn't seem worried or even annoyed. 'Your li$e is writin . +o, write,' you said a ain. As thou h your vocation was to com$ort me in mine. 0ur li$e chan ed. 9eo'le $locked to our little a'artment. You had your re ular $riends who'd dro' in at the end o$ the day $or a whisky. You or anised dinners or lunches several times a week. %e lived at the centre o$ the universe. ,or us, the distinction #etween contacts, in$ormation. atherers and $riends #ecame #lurred. :ranko, a Yu oslav di'lomat, was all those thin s at once. 2e started out as the head o$ the Yu oslav &n$ormation Dentre in the avenue de l'0'era and ended u' as $irst secretary at the em#assy. *hanks to :ranko, we met certain ,rench and $orei n intellectuals who were dominant $i ures in the 'ostwar 'eriod. You had your own circle, your own li$e, even while you were com'letely involved in mine. At our $irst <ew Year's -ve with 'Dastor', +artre and the *em's modernes '$amily', +artre set a#out seducin irreverence you reserved $or the my you with earnest intensity and the (u#ilation shone on his $ace when you res'onded with the #reezy reat o$ this world. & don't know whether it was on that occasion or later that one o$ +artre's $riends 'ut me seriously on uard1 '7y dear G., watch out. Your wi$e's more #eauti$ul than ever. &$ &

decide to o a$ter her, &'ll #e ir.re.sis.ti#le.' &t was in the rue du :ac that you really came into your own. You traded that sweet little -n lish voice o$ yours Ithe voice that ;ane :irkin, amon has never ceased cultivatin J $or a others, my ood steady dee' voice. You lo''ed o$$

some o$ that ma ni$icent h ad $ hair o$ yours that & used to love #uryin

$ace in. You ke't only a hint o$ an -n lish accent. You read :eckett, +arraute, :utor, Dalvino, 9avese. You $ollowed Dlaude Levi. +trauss' lectures at the Dolle e de ,rance. You wanted to learn German and #ou ht yoursel$ the re/uisite #ooks. & sto''ed you. '& don't want you to learn a sin le word o$ that lan ua e,' & told you. '&'ll never s'eak German a ain.' You could understand that attitude on the 'art o$ an 'Austrian ;ew'. %e did nearly all my assi nments m ,rance and a#road to ether. You made me see my limits. &'ve never $or otten the lesson & learned those three days we s'ent in Greno#le with 7endes ,rance. &t was one o$ our very $irst assi nments. %e ate our meals with 7endes, visited his $riends with him, sat in on his interviews with the town worthies. You knew that, 'arallel to these interviews, & was oin to hold talks with trade union militants $rom the D,D*, #osses o$ Don$ederation $tan$aise democrati/ue due travail, $or whom the #i

Greno#le did not exactly em#ody 'the li$e#lood o$ the nation', in 7endes' 'hrase. You a#solutely insisted that 7endes read my 're'ort' #e$ore & sent it o$K 2e was rate$ul you did. '&$ you 'u#lish that,' he told me, '&'ll never #e a#le to set $oot in this town a ain.' 2e seemed more amused than annoyedC as thou h he thou ht it was only normal that at my a e and in my 'osition & should 're$er radicalism to any sense o$ 'olitical reality. & realised that day that you had more o$ a $eel $or 'olitics than & did. You 'icked u' realities that esca'ed me i$ they $ailed to corres'ond with my view o$ the real world. & #ecame a #it more hum#le. & ot into the ha#it o$ ettin you to read my articles and manuscri'ts #e$ore $ilin them. & took your criticisms

into account, thou h & always rum#led1 '%hy do you always have to #e ri ht=' *he $oundation on which our marria e was #ased chan ed over those years. 0ur relationshi' #ecame the $ilter that my connection to reality 'assed throu h. A shi$t occurred in our relationshi'. ,or a lon time youd let yoursel$ #e intimidated #y my intellectual arro anceC you $elt that was my way o$

showin

ras' o$ theory that you couldn't match. Little #y little, you re$used

to let yoursel$ #e swayed. :etter yet1 you re#elled a ainst theoretical constructs and es'ecially a ainst statistics. +tatistics as a disci'line was even less convincin , you said, than theory, as $i ures only made sense when they were inter'reted. You ar ued that such inter'retation can't lay claim to the mathematical ri our statistics #ases its authority on. & needed theory to structure my thinkin and & used to o#(ect that unstructured thou ht always into insi ni$icant, em'irical anecdote. You re'lied us to the shi$tin com'lexities o$ runs the risk o$ de eneratin the real world. %e had these discussions dozens o$ times and knew in advance what the other was oin to come #ack with. &n the end it was all (ust a ame. :ut even i$ it was (ust a intelli ence or ame, you were ri ht and & was wron . You didn't need the meanin . You #ased the certainty o$ your o'inions, co nitive sciences to know that without intuition or emotion, there can #e no im'ertur#a#ly, on lived ex'erience, which can #e communicated #ut not demonstrated. *he authority . let's call it ethical . o$ such o'inions does not re/uire de#ate to hold sway. %hereas the authority o$ a theoretical o'inion colla'ses i$ it can't convince throu h de#ate. *hat was 'recisely the 'oint o$ my '%hy do you always have to #e ri ht='. & think & needed your (ud ment more than you needed mine. 0ur rue du :ac days lasted ten years. & don't want to retrace those years here #ut to et a clear sense o$ where we were headed. %e were doin more and more to ether and, at the same time, seein ourselves more and more as

that theory always runs the risk o$ #lindin

distinct 'eo'le, se'arate $rom each other. *his trend would continue. Y0@d always #een more rown u' than & was and #ecame even more so. You liked to say you saw a child's 'innocence' in my eyesC you could well have said 'naivete'. You were $lourishin without doctrines, theories and systems o$ them out $rom under me, so to thou ht. & needed those 'sycholo ical crutches to 'osition mysel$ in the intellectual world, . even i$ it meant kickin the three essays that $ollowed. The Traitor came out in 45"8, ei hteen months a$ter & handed in the s'eak. &t was in the rue du :ac that & wrote three /uarters o$ The Traitor and

manuscri't. :arely 2! hours a$ter &'d dro''ed it o$$ at du +euil, you 'hone call $rom ,rancis ;eanson. 2e asked you1 '%hat's he doin 'u#lish the manuscri't.

ot a

now)' '2e

hasn't sto''ed writin ,' you told him. You realised that ;eanson had decided to You've o$ten said that that #ook trans$ormed me as & wrote it. '%hen you $inished it, you weren't the same'. & think you were wron a#out that. &t wasn't writin &t it that allowed me to chan eC it was 'roducin a text that was 'u#lisha#le and then seein it 'u#lished. &ts 'u#lication chan ed my situation. ave what & thou ht reality, a reality that

ave me a 'lace in the world, it

exceeded my intentions, that $orced me to rede$ine mysel$ and to constantly sur'ass mysel$ so that & wouldn't #ecome tra''ed either #y the ima e other 'eo'le had o$ me or #y a 'roduct that had turned into somethin access to existence. :y writin re$usal and yet, #y #ein other than ave me me throu h its o#(ective reality. *hat's the ma ic o$ literature1 it

a#out my re$usal to exist, & descri#ed, wrote, ill this

mysel$ into existence. *hat #ook was the 'roduct o$ my re$usal, was this 'u#lished, 'revented me $rom 'ersistin re$usal. *hat's 'recisely what &'d ho'ed $or and nothin other than #ein

'u#lished would allow me to achieve1 to #e $orced to commit mysel$ in a way & couldn't do on my own and to ask mysel$ /uestions, to 'ursue ends that & hadn't de$ined on my own either. +o, the #ook had an im'act, #ut not throu h the work & did writin radually had an im'act (ust #y con$rontin it. &t me with 'ossi#ilities and

relationshi's with other 'eo'le & hadn't initially antici'ated. &t had an im'act, it seems to me, in 45"5, when ;;++ discovered & had skills in 'olitical economics1 & no lon er had to stick to matters $orei n. *he act o$ writin #o can #ecome ed down #y the way others see you as well as #y the wei ht o$ material

realities. Le 8ieillissement, A in , was to #e my $arewell to adolescence, my renunciation o$ what Deleuze and Guattari were to call 'the limitlessness o$ desire' and what Geor es :ataille called 'the ornnitude o$ 'ossi#ility' that you only a''roach #y inde$inite re$usal o$ all determination1 the desire to #e <othin #lurs into the desire to #e -verythin . At the end o$ A in , this $inite1 #ein exhortation occurs, directed at mysel$ 'You have to acce't #ein

here and nowhere else, doin this and not somethin else, now and not always

or never ... havin only this li$e.' @' to 45"8 or 45"5, & was aware that in writin *he *raitor & hadn't shed

my desire 'to #e <othin , no#ody, wholly #uried within mysel$, not o#(ectiha#le and not identi$ia#le'. Aware enou h to note that 'this meditation a#out mysel$ con$irmed and necessarily 'rolon ed my $undamental choice Ko$ nonexistenceL and so & couldn't ho'e to revise that choice.' And this was not only #ecause it didn't commit me, #ut also #ecause & did not really commit mysel$ to it. &'d ado'ted the stand o$ writin in the third 'erson to avoid com'licity with com'lacency towards . mysel$ *he third 'erson ke't me at a distance $rom mysel$, it allowed me to draw, in a neutral lan ua e, $uelled #y code, a /uasi. clinical 'ortrait o$ the way & was and the way & o'erated. *hat 'ortrait was o$ten $ierce and $ull o$ derision. & avoided the tra' o$ com'lacency only to $all into that other tra'1 wallowin in the $erocity o$ sel$.criticism. & was that 'ure invisi#le eye, com'letely detached $rom what it sees. & trans$ormed what & mana ed to understand o$ me into knowled e o$ me and, in so doin , never coincided with this me that & knew as 0ther. *hat essay never sto''ed sayin 1 '+ee, & am #etter than who & am.' & need to ex'lain all this to you #ecause this attitude ex'lains so many thin s. & only skimmed the 'roo$s o$ *he *raitor. &'ve never reread any o$ these texts o$ mine that turned into #ooks. & hate the ex'ression 'my #ook'1 $or me it crystallises the 'eculiar vanity that makes a su#(ect deck himsel$ out in /ualities others #estow on him #ut only inso$ar as he is himsel$ an 0ther, *he #ook is no lon er 'my thinkin ' since it's #ecome an o#(ect, #an thin in the middle o$ a world that #elon s to others and esca'es me. %ith *he *raitor, the last & wanted was 'to write a #ook'. & didn't want to deliver the results o$ tracks, its ro'in research #ut to write u' the research itsel$, as it was actually #ein carried out, with its nascent discoveries, its misses, its wron ela#oration o$ a method that never everythin 's said, everythin #e said'. &n other words1 it's the sayin ets $inalised. Aware that, 'when always remains to that matters, not the said. %hat &'d

remains to #e said, everythin

written interested me a lot less than what & mi ht write next. & think this is true $or any writer, 'u#lished or otherwise.

*he research in $act sto's at the second cha'ter. ,rom #e$ore the third, & know only too well what &'m does is oin to $ind and how &'m oin to conclude. 7aurice :lanchot noted this in a lon article1 all the conclusion Ithe * cha'terJ

ive a coherent, rounded $orm to the ar ument already 'resented in

the $irst cha'ter. &t o$$ers no discovery. *he third and $ourth cha'ters are overrun with themes and re$lections that act like a 'relude to the next work, which develo's them. *he cha'ter titled 'You', overloaded with di ressions as it is, #ore the #runt o$ this . as & discovered to my dismay a$ter *he *raitor came out in ,olio. &'d #arely lanced at the 'roo$s, exce't to 'ut #ack the nine or ten 'a es o$ cuts &'d made in the cha'ter titled 'You' twenty years earlier $or the -n lish version 'u#lished #y 8erso. *hese cuts es'ecially concerned an ar ument with Gomain Golland and an enormous '$ootnote' coverin $our $ull 'a es in tiny 'rint. &'d out eneral illustration o$ Don$lict', this attitude in no way sli''ed in this di ression on 'hiloso'hy and revolution #etween s'ellin 'KmyL way o$ reducin any 'ersonal con$lict to a and o$ 'takin incidental illustrations o$ a

re$u e in the realm o$ ideas where' all thin s are merely eneral idea'. Dondemnin with it. *he cha'ter that $ollows 'You' o$$ers

'revented me $rom 'erseverin almost comic exam'les o$ this.

*his cha'ter . the '&' cha'ter . was su''osed to mark the ma(or turnin 'oint in my li$e. &t was su''osed to show how my love $or you or, more to the 'oint, the discovery with you o$ love, was $inally to #rin whole li$e. +o the tale sto's ei ht years #e$ore the wntm me to want to existC o$ *he *raitor, with and how my commitment to you was what would motivate me to chan e my the vow never to let mysel$ #e 'arted $rom you. *he ''ro ram' is then $ul$illed. 9ause in the or an music. & then com'letely chan e the su#(ect, descri#e the central role money 'lays in ca'italist society, attack the ca'italist consumer model and way o$ li$e, and so on. all thin s that would #e dealt with in the $ollowin #ook. *he trou#le is that there's no trace o$ any li$e.chan in existential e'i'hany in this cha'terC no trace o$ my, o$ our, discovery o$ love, o$ our a$$air. 7y vow remains a $ormality. & don't really come to terms with it, don't $lesh it out. 0n the contrary, & $lail a#out vainly tryin to (usti$y it in the name o$ universal

'rinci'les, as thou h & was ashamed o$ it. *hou h & have enou h insi ht to note1 '&sn't it o#vious that & talked a#out Aay as thou h & was talkin a'olo ise $or livin )' +o what is it that motivates me in this cha'ter . in the whole #ook, $or that matter) %hy do & talk a#out you in this dismissive, condescendin in the tiny s'ace & way) %hy, ive you, are you mutilated, totally misre'resented, a#out some weakness and in an a'olo etic tone o$ excus , as i$ a 'erson had to

humiliated) And why are these allusive threads o$ our a$$air woven throu h with another a$$air . one that's doomed to $ailure, one that & can't wait to #reak o$$ yet take 'leasure in analysin with dismay on rereadin at len th) & asked mysel$ these /uestions the words & wrote. %hat motivates me, a#ove all, is #ut 'ure trans'arent -ssay. &t's more

an o#sessive need to elevate mysel$ a#ove what & ex'erience, $eel and think, in order to theorise it, to intellectualise it, to #e nothin intellect. *hat was already the motivation throu hout the immediately o#vious here. & re$er to you as the only woman &'ve ever really loved and to our union as the most im'ortant decision in #oth our lives. :ut evidently that story doesn't ins'ire me to want to write a#out it, and neither do the seven years that, at the time & was writin we made the decision to time, #ein et married. :ein *he *raitor, had one #y since 'assionately in love $or the $irst

loved in return . this was a''arently too #anal, too 'rivate, too

common1 it wasn't the kind o$ material that would allow me to rise to the universal. A love a$$air that's hit the rocks, that can never #e . now that, on the other hand, makes $or hi h literature. &'m com$orta#le with the art o$ $ailure and annihilation, not with the art o$ success and 'ositive a$$irmation. & have to elevate mysel$ a#ove me and you, at our ex'ense, at your ex'ense, throu h considerations that o #eyond us as s'eci$ic individuals. *he o#(ect o$ the cha'ter is to condemn this attitude, to show how it #rou ht us to the #rink o$ endin without you accordin the relationshi' and oin our se'arate waysC and how, i$ & didn't want to lose you, & had to choose1 either to live to my a#stract 'rinci'les, or to disentan le mysel$ $rom those 'rinci'les to live with you1 '... 2e chose Aay over the 'rinci'lesC #ut rud in ly and without even realisin ' the very real sacri$ices . not ones o$

'rinci'le . that you chose to make. *he tale o$ what & 'resent as a li$e. chan in ex'erience is then 'oisoned #y eleven lines that #elie it. & descri#e mysel$ 'er$ectly accurately as & was in that s'rin o$ 45!81 un#eara#le. 'A$ter they'd started livin to ether in a six s/uare metre hole ... he came and went without sayin a word, s'ent his days on his

'a'ers and answered KAayL in im'atient monosylla#les. 'You're all you need,' she'd say. &t's true that there was no room $or anyone in 'articular in his li$e ... #ecause, as a 'articular individual, he did not count and so it could #e o$ no concern to him whether anyone #ecame attached to him as a 'articular individual.' A whole 'a e' $ollows o$ what & mysel$ descri#e as 'a 'retentious dissertation on love and marria e'. & sound like &'m (ud in who & was rather harshly. :ut why, in this 'a e and a hal$ written seven years later, in 45"" or 45">, are there six lines that re$er to you as this 'iti$ul irl who 'didn't know ali&', 'didn't s'eak a word o$ ,rench' . a$ter ix months in +witzerland) Yet & knew you had your circle o$ $riends, made a #etter livin than & did, were ex'ected #ack in -n land #y a $aith$ul $riend and admirer a#solutely determined to marry you. %hy, then, these hate$ul lines1 'Aay who, one way or another . .. would have destroyed hersel$ i$ he'd dro''ed her ... ' <ine 'a es $urther on, in the tale o$ my 'vow', there are another $ive lines o$ 'oison. You'd told me . and, that 'i$ we're only oin iven my casual manner, it came as no sur'rise . to #e to ether $or a little while Kyou'dL 're$er to leave a 'iti$ul ima e o$ you1 '.1. &$ he let Aay re$u e in her devotion to the

now and take the memory o$ our love away with you intact'. & acknowled e the #low, #ut only #y once more 'resentin o, knowin all his li$e that she was trailin the memory o$ him around somewhere ... seekin sick or her duty o$ care to a $amily ... he would #e a traitor and a coward. And then, i$ he wasn't sure he'd #e a#le to live with her, he was sure he didn't want to lose her. 2e 'ressed Aay to him and said, with a sense o$ relie$, as thou h $reed at last1 M&$ you o, &'ll $ollow you. & couldn't #ear to have let you o.M And a$ter a moment he added1 M-verM.' &n realityC what & said at that moment was1 '& love you'. :ut that doesn't

$eature in the tale. +o why do & seem so sure that our se'aration would #e more un#eara#le $or you than $or me) *o avoid havin to admit the o''osite) %hy do & say that & was res'onsi#le '$or the turn KyourL li$e would take) *hat it was u' to me Mto make KyourL li$e liva#le)'M &n all, eleven lines o$ 'oison in three doses, over twenty 'a esC three tiny strokes that de#ase you and distort you, written seven years later, that ro# us o$ the meanin o$ seven years o$ our li$e. %ho wrote those eleven lines) & mean1 %ho was & when & wrote those lines) & $eel a 'ain$ul need to ive us #ack those seven years alon with what you truly meant to me. &'ve already tried, here, to ive us #ack reat swee's o$ the story o$ our love a$$air and our marria e. & haven't yet ex'lored the 'eriod in which & wrote those 'a es. *hat's where & need to look $or ex'lanations. & remem#er that 45"" was a relatively ha''y year. & was a#out to chan e (o#s and work $or a di$$erent 'a'er. %e s'ent our holidays on the shores o$ the Atlantic. & #e an *he *raitor' in the eleventh arrondissernent, racked with an st. *he last day o$ the year, we si ned the contract $or the rue du :ac. %e had months o$ ha''iness and ho'e a$ter that. :ut, the more headway & made on it, the more the manuscri't #ecame loaded with 'olitical considerations. *he cha'ter 'You' do 'rivate relationshi's, includin the context o$ alienatin edly views 'ersonal, relationshi's #ased on love and the cou'le, in

social relationshi's. Gide notes somewhere in his mysel$ was literally a

Diary that he always $eels the need to o''ose what he's (ust written in the next work. *hat was also the case with me. -x'lorin dead. end. You can't do it twice. & was already de$ined, #y readin earin u' $or the next work, even i$ it was still only hazily 7arx to #e to act ;ean. Yves Dalvez's 7arx, the writin s o$ the youn 'oint, that intellectuals were oin

and &saac Deutscher's +talin. & thou ht Aruschev's re'ort to the *wentieth Don ress marked a critical turnin a#le to 'lay a decisive role in the communist movement. & was startin

like one o$ the mem#ers o$ a theatre com'any descri#ed #y Aazimierz :randys in *he De$ence o$ Grenada who want to con$orm com'letely to the directives o$ the 9arty #ut sus'ect themselves, and, everyone else, o$ har#ourin reservations a#out their task. & wasn't $ar o$$ considerin secret love to #e a 'etit.

#our eois sentiment. & 'talked a#out you in an a'olo etic tone o$ excuse, as thou h & was talkin a#out some weakness' Ithis remark. in *he *raitor now takes on its $ull si ni$icance1 o#viously it was your attachment to me that & $elt was a weakness . in what & wrote, at leastJ. At the time ,rancois -rval said to me one day1 'You have a real revolutionist $ixation.' You watched this 'ro.communist develo'ment o$ mine with anxiety and, at times, an er. At the same time, you made me love the o'enin u' o$ our 'rivate s'ace, o$ our married li$e. A note o$ Aatka's in his Diary sums u' my state o$ mind then1 '7y love $or you doesn't like itsel$'. & didn't like mysel$ $or lovin you. & $inally understood' that & couldn't commit mysel$ to the communist cause exce't $or the wron reasons and that intellectuals could not, not $or a lon time to come, 'ower a trans$ormation o$ the 9D,, the 9arti communiste $rancais. *he new ac/uaintances we made early in 45"6 certainly hel'ed me move on, as well as new readin 1 nota#ly David Giesman and D. %ri ht 7ills. %hen *he *raitor came out at last, & #ecame conscious once more o$ what & owed you1 you me &.' &$ only &'d develo'ed that in what has #ecome 'my #ook'. & have to ste' #ack a #it now to tackle the next 'hase o$ our story. Durin our rue du :ac years, we never s'ent anythin radually achieved relative $inancial security. :ut we like what we could have s'ent on our standard o$ livin ave all o$ yoursel$ to hel' me #ecome mysel$ *he dedication & ivin me You, have iven wrote m your co'y said1 '*o you, alias Aay, who, m

or level o$ consum'tion. *here was a tacit a reement #etween us on that score. %e had the same values, #y which & mean the same conce'tion o$ what ives li$e meanin or threatens to take it away. As $ar #ack as & can remem#er, &'ve always hated the so.called ' ood li$e' and its s/uanderin . You re$used to $ollow the $ashion and had your own ideas a#out what to wear. You re$used to let advertisin or marketin su''ly you with needs you didn't $eel. 0n holidays, we'd stay either 'with a $amily' in +'ain, or in modest hostels or uesthouses in &taly. &t wasn't until 45>8 that we went to a #i modern hotel, $or the $irst time . in 9u nochiuso. %e. ended u' ac/uirin an old Austin a$ter ten years. *hat

didn't sto' us considerin means o$ esca'in

individual car ownershi' to #e a disastrous 'olitical to o$$er them the

choice that 'its individuals a ainst each other #y claimin that you set and mana ed accordin

the common lot. ,or household ex'enses you had a #ud et to our needs. *his reminds me how you'd o$

decided, at the a e o$ seven, that to #e true, love must think nothin money. You thou ht nothin o$ it. %e o$ten ave it away. %e ot into the ha#it o$ s'endin

our weekends in the country. *hen, so we

didn't have to stay at a 9aris. %e'd

uesthouse, we #ou ht a cotta e "? kilometres $rom

o $or two.hour walks in all weather. You had natural a$$inity with

all livin thin s that was conta ious and you tau ht me how to look at and love the countryside, the woods, animals. Animals listened to you so intently when you talked to them & had the im'ression they understood what you were sayin . You o'ened u' the richness o$ li$e $or me and & loved li$e throu h you . unless it was the reverse and & loved you throu h all livin ado'ted a thin s I#ut that at our $ront comes down to the same thin J. ;ust a$ter we moved to the, cotta e you rey ta##y cat, visi#ly starvin , who was always waitin door. %e cured him o$ man e. *he $irst time he (um'ed on my knees un#idden, & had the $eelin he was doin me a reat honour. 0ur ethic . i$ & can call it that 'rimed us to reet 7ay '>8 and what $ollowed with (u#ilation. ,rom the $irst, we 're$erred 8LG, $ive La Revolution, to G9, %auche proletarienne, *iennot Grum#ach and his militant community at 7antes to :enny Levy and La &ause du peuple. A#road, & 'assed $or a 'recursor and even an insti ator o$ the 7ay movements. %e went to ether to :el ium, the <etherlands, -n land, then in 456? to Dam#rid e, 7assachusetts. ,ive years earlier in <ew York, we'd hated the so.called American dream with its waste$ulness, its smo , its ',rench' $ries with ketchu' and Doca.Dola, the #rutality and the in$ernal 'ace o$ its ur#an li$e. %e had no idea that 9aris would soon #e s'ared none o$ that. &n Dam#rid e, we were won over #y our hosts' hos'itality and their 'assion $or new ideas. %e discovered a sort o$ counter.society #eaverin society on show, waitin away, di in its tunnels under the crust o$ the $or the ri ht moment to mer e into the li ht o$ day.

%e'd never seen so many 'existentialists' . 'eo'le determined to 'chan e their

lives' #y undertakin

to live to ether di$$erently and 'ut their alternative anythin $rom the 'olitical 'owers

as'irations into 'ractice, without ex'ectin several

in 'lace. %e were invited to %ashin ton #y a think tank. You were invited to atherin s o$ :read and Goses and 'ersuaded them to let me come, too. %hen we returned to 9aris, you #rou ht #ack several new #ooks, includin 0ur :odiesF 0ur +elves. %e shared a world #ut we looked at it $rom di$$erent an les. *hose di$$erences made us rich. *hat tri' to the @nited +tates was a real #oost $orms and o#(ectives o$ class stru union stru le had to shi$t to new enerally and s'urred our interest in other issues and ideas. &t hel'ed me understand that the classic le can't chan e society, that the trade round. *he $ollowin summer, we ot very

excited a#out a certain essay. &t was a dra$t o$ the keynote address to #e delivered at a seminar in Duernavaca, 7exico. & don't know how ;ean Daniel ot his hands on this dra$t. 2e asked me to 'ara'hrase it $or the (ournal. *he 'rovisional title was Getoolin +ociety. &t started #y assertin that the 'ursuit o$ ;ac/ues -llul o$ economic rowth was oin to lead to multi'le disasters that would threaten human li$e in ei ht ways. *here were echoes o$ the thinkin a i antic machine which, instead o$ li#eratin and Gunther Anders in there1 the ex'ansion o$ industry trans$orms society into human #ein s, restricts their autonomy, determinin the ends they are to 'ursue and how they are to

'ursue them. %e #ecome servants o$ this me amachine. 9roduction is no lon er at our service, we are at the service o$ 'roduction. And as a result o$ the simultaneous 'rolessionalisation o$ services o$ every stri'e, we #ecome inca'a#le o$ takin satis$yin 'ro$essions'. %e discussed this essay over the summer holidays. &t was si ned 'lvan lllich'. &t 'laced the notion o$ 'sel$.mana ement', which was in vo ue throu hout the Le$t, in a new li ht. &t con$irmed the ur ency o$ 'technocriticism', o$ retcolin the techni/ues o$ 'roduction. %ed. met a char e o$ ourselves, o$ determinin our needs and them ourselves1 we de'end in all thin s on 'inca'acitatin

'rota onist o$ technocriticism at 2arvard. &t le itimised our need to #roaden the s'here o$ our autonomyC to not think o$ autonomy as a 'rivate need only. &t 'ro#a#ly 'layed a role in our 'ro(ect o$ #uildin a real house o$ our own. You

sketched the layout over those summer holidays1 a house sha'ed like a '@'. +o, to ether we entered an era o$ what was to #ecome 'olitical ecolo y. &t looked to us like an extension o$ the ideas and movements o$ 45>8. %e saw a lot o$ 7ichel Golant and Go#ert La'onche, the 'eo'le $rom La Gueule ouuerte and +auva e, in search o$ a new direction in technoscience, ener y 'olicy and our whole way o$ livin . %e met lllich $or the $irst time in 4563. 2e wanted to invite us to a seminar on medicine 'lanned $or the $ollowin &n 4563, you were workin year. %e had no inklin that the criti/ue o$ techno. medicine was soon to coincide with our 'ersonal concerns. at -ditions Galilee settin u' a $orei n ri hts de'artment, which you ended u' runnin $or three years. 0n weekends, we'd

o $or 'icnics at the worksite o$ our $uture house. %e were united in everythin . :ut your li$e was s'oiled #y unex'lained cram's and headaches. Your 'hysiothera'ist sus'ected that it mi ht #e due to you #ein hi hly.strun . Your doctor examined you #ut couldn't hnd anythin and so 'rescri#ed tran/uillisers. *he tran/uillisers de'ressed you to the 'oint where, to your own amazement, you were sometimes in $loods o$ tears. You've never taken any a ain since. %e went to Duernavaca the $ollowin summer. *here & studied the research material that &llich had 'ut to ether $or his #ook, 7edical <emesis. &t was a reed &'d do some articles when the #ook came out. *he hrst article was titled '%hen medicine makes you sick'. *oday most 'eo'le would say it merely stated the o#vious. At the time, only three letters $rom doctors su''orted itC the rest attacked it. 0ne o$ the su''ortive letters was si ned 'Dourt. 9ayen'. 2is letter stressed the di$$erence #etween a syndrome and a disease and de$ended a holistic view o$ health. & went to see the ood Dr Dourt.9ayen when your state o$ health on the #alcony or sittin in an armchair. deteriorated dramatically. You could no lon er lie down, your head hurt so much. You'd s'end the ni ht standin in your distress. 0n the N .ray he did o$ your s'ine and head, Dr Dourt. 9ayen noted the &'d wanted to #elieve that we were to ether in everythin , #ut you were alone

'resence o$ lum's o$ a su#stance used in N .rays to 'rovide contrast, s'read throu h the s'inal canal, $rom the lum#ar verte#rae ri ht u' to your head. *his dye, Ki'idiol, had #een in(ected into you ei ht years earlier, #e$ore you were o'erated on $or a 'aralysin sli''ed disc. & heard the radiolo ist reassure you at the time1 'You'll eliminate this stu$$ in ten days at the most.' A$ter ei ht years, some o$ the li/uid had made its way u' into your cranial 'assa es, and some had $ormed a cyst in the cervical verte#rae o$ your neck. &t was to me that Dourt.9ayen delivered his dia nosis1 you had arachnoiditisC it was a de enerative disease and there was no cure. & du u' thirty or so articles on myelo ra'hies, N .ray examinations o$ the s'inal cord, that had #een 'u#lished in medical reviews. & wrote to the authors o$ some o$ these articles. 0ne o$ them . a <orwe ian, +kal'e . had conducted auto'sies on humans and la#oratory animals, and had shown that li'idiol is never eliminated and 'rovokes 'atholo ies that only row worse with time. 2is letter ended with these words1 '& thank God &'ve never used this su#stance'. *he letter o$ a neurolo y 'ro$essor $rom :aylor Dolle e o$ 7edicine,*exas, was no more encoura in 1 'Arachnoiditis is a disease in which the like $ilaments coverin oin in or comin ossamer. the s'inal cord as such and, sometimes, the #rain, $orm

scar tissue and com'ress the s'inal cord as well as the roots o$ nerve endin s out o$ it. 8arious $orms o$ 'aralysis andBor 'ain can result. *he inhi#ition o$ certain nerves or some $orm o$ medicinal treatment may 'erha's hel''. You had nothin the ha#it o$ takin instead o$ lettin You $urther to ho'e $or $rom medicine. You re$used to anal esics and de'endin et into on them. You decided to take

control o$ your #ody, your disease, your healthC to seize 'ower over your li$e medical technoscience seize 'ower over your relationshi' with your #ody, with yoursel$ ot in touch with an international network o$ su$$erers who, havin in$ormation and advice. You comin u' a ainst the i norance, and sometimes the resistance, o$ the medical 'ro$ession, hel'ed each other #y exchan in mana in tau ht yoursel$ yo a. You took 'ossession o$ yoursel$, #ody and mind, #y your 'ain throu h ancient sel$.disci'lines. *o you, the a#ility to and take char e o$ yoursel$ seemed to you to #e the understand your su$$erin

sole means o$ not #ein

ruled #y it and #y the s'ecialists who would turn you

into a 'assive consumer o$ medications. Your illness took us #ack to the. terrain o$ ecolo y and technocriticism. 7y thou hts never le$t you when & was 're'arin 'articularly a a $eature on alternative medicines $or the (ournal. *echnomedicine a''eared to me to #e like a ressive $orm o$ what ,oucault was later to call #ic.'ower . the oin as $ar as the 'ower that the technolo ical a''aratus seizes, even intimate relationshi' we each have with ourselves. *wo years later, we were invited a second time to Duernavaca. %e were then su''osed to you're walkin #est. & looked at that 'hoto $or a lon #een wonderin say anythin while a$ter we ot #ack home, when you told me you wondered i$ you didn't have some sort o$ cancer. You'd already that #e$ore we le$t $or the @nited +tates #ut hadn't wanted to to me. %hy not) '&$ & have to die,' you told me calmly, '& wanted o on to :erkeley, then to La ;olla, near +an Die o, to 7arcuse's 'lace. You didn't notice, #ut & took a 'hoto o$ you, $rom #ehind1 with your $eet in the water on the wide #each o$ La ;olla. You are "2 years old. You are amazin . &t's one o$ the 'ictures o$ you that & like

to see Dali$ornia $irst'. Your endometrial cancer hadn't #een 'icked u' in your annual checku'. 0nce the dia nosis was made and the date o$ the o'eration set, we went to s'end a week in the house you'd desi ned. & carved your name in the stone with a chisel. *hat house was ma ic. All the s'aces had a tra'ezoidal sha'e. *he #edroom windows looked out over the . treeto's. *he $irst ni ht, we didn't slee'. %e were #oth listenin started sin in to each other #reathin . *hen a ni htin ale in and looked u' $rom time to there, motionless, starin into death so you could $i ht it and a second one, $urther awC1ty, started answerin . %e said

very little to each other. & s'ent the day di the distance. &'m sure you were 'ractisin couldn't ima ine you ivin u' livin .

time at the #edroom window. You'd #e standin

tamin

without $ear. You were so #eauti$ul and so determined in your silence that & & took time o$$ $rom the (ournal and shared your room at the clinic. *he $irst ni ht, throu h the o'en window, & heard all o$ +chu#ert's <inth +ym'hony. &t

is etched in me, every note. & remem#er every moment s'ent at the clinic. 9ierre, our doctor $riend $rom the Dentre national de recherche scienti(i/ue, who came to hear your latest news every mornm , said to me1 'You're throu h moments o$ exce'tional intensity. You'll remem#er this always'. & wanted to know what chances the oncolo ist years. 9ierre #rou ht me the answer1 ',i$ty.$i$ty'. & told mysel$ that we should at last live in the 'resent we shared instead o$ always 'ro(ectin ourselves into the $uture. & read two #ooks #y @ rsula Le Guin we'd #rou ht #ack $rom the +tates. *hey stren thened me in this resolve. %hen you came out o$ the clinic we went #ack to our house. Your s'irit cheered and reassured me. You'd esca'ed death and li$e took on a new meanin and a new value. &llich immediately understood this when you saw him a ain a $ew months later, at a 'arty. 2e stared into your eyes $or a lon time and he said to you1 'You've seen the other side.' & don't know how you res'onded or what else you said. :ut these are the words he said to me, strai ht a$terwards1 *hose eyes= <ow & understand what she means to you.' 2e invited us once a ain to his house in Duernavaca and added that we could stay there as lon as we liked. You'd seen 'the other side'C you'd come #ack $rom the land no one comes #ack $rom. *his chan ed your whole outlook. %ithout consultin each other, we made the same resolution. An -n lish Gomantic once summed it u' m a sentence1 '*here is no wealth #ut li$e.' Durin the months you were convalescin , & decided to take my retirement the weeks until & could 'ack u'. & took 'leasure in et your $rom %a ram 9lace in 9aris the s'ecially tailored down or anic 'roduce that would hel' you at >?. & started countin cookin , in trackin stren th #ack, in orderin ave you o$ survivin $ive oin

medications that a homeo'ath had recommended you take. -colo y #ecame a way o$ li$e and a daily 'ractice $or us, althou h that did not sto' us $rom $eelin that what was needed was a com'letely di$$erent civilisation. &'d reached the a e where you ask yoursel$ what you've done with your li$e, what you would have liked to have done with it. & had the im'ression o$ not havin lived my li$e, o$ havin always o#served it at a distance,. o$

havin

develo'ed only one side o$ mysel$ and #ein

'oor as a 'erson. You rown in

were, and always had #een, richer than & was. You'd #lossomed and

every dimension. You were at one with your li$eC whereas &'d always #een in a hurry to move on to the next task, as thou h our li$e would only really #e in later. & asked mysel$ what was the inessential & needed to concentrate on the essential. & told mysel$ that, to ive u' so & could ras' the reach o$ the

u'heavals that were loomin in every domain, there had to #e more s'ace and time $or re$lection than my (o# as a $ull.time (ournalist allowed. & didn't ex'ect anythin really innovative $rom the victory o$ the Le$t in 4584 and told you so two ministers $rom the 7auroy overnment the day a$ter they a$ter meetin

were a''ointed. & was amazed that my leavin the (ournal, a$ter 2? years o$ colla#oration, written to -. that, was essential to me1 to #e with you. & was 'ain$ul neither to mysel$ nor others. & remem#er havin at the end o$ the day, only one thin can't ima ine continuin

to write, i$ you no lon er are. You are the essential and its im'ortance. & told you that in the

without which all the rest, no matter how im'ortant it seems to me when you're there, loses its meanin dedication o$ my last work. *wenty.three years have one #y since we went o$$ to live in the country. a nuclear 'ower station ,irst m 'your' house, with its wonder$ul $eel o$ meditative harmony, a harmony we en(oyed $or only three years. *hey started #uildin near#y and that drove us away. %e $ound another house, very ancient, cool in summer, warm in winter, with hu e rounds. &t was a 'lace where you could #e ha''y. %here there was only a meadow, you created a travellin C #ut all the vi#ratin trans'ort, no matter what, tri and (oltin arden o$ hed es and shru#s. & 'lanted two hundred trees there. ,or a $ew years we still did a #it o$ around involved in any means o$ 'ain throu h ive u' most o$ ered headaches and shootin radually $orced you to

your whole #ody. Arachnoiditis has $riends think you're 'in reat sha'e'. You've never sto''ed encoura in

your $avourite activities. You mana e to hide your su$$erin , thou h. 0ur me to write. 0ver the 23 years we've

lived in the country, &'ve 'u#lished six #ooks and hundreds o$ articles and

interviews. %e've had dozens o$ visitors $rom every corner o$ the &'ve iven dozens o$ interviews.

lo#e and

&t's $airly sa$e to say & 'ro#a#ly haven't lived u' to the resolution & made 3? years a o1 to live com'letely at one with the 'resent, mind$ul a#ove all o$ the wealth o$ our shared li$e. &'m now relivin & don't want 'to 'ut o$$ livin the moments when & made that resolution with a sense o$ ur ency. & don't have any ma(or work in the 'i'eline. till later' . in Geor es :ataille's 'hrase . any lon er. l'm as mind$ul o$ your 'resence now as 4 was in the early days and would like to make you $eel that. You've iven me all o$ your li$e and all o$ youC &'d like to #e a#le to ive you all o$ me in the time we have le$t. You've (ust turned 82. You're still #eauti$ul, race$ul and desira#le. %e've nawin em'tiness lived to ether now $or "8 years and llove you more than ever. Lately. &'ve $allen in love with you all over a ain and 4 once more $eel a inside that can only #e $illed when your #ody is 'ressed a ainst mine. At ni ht & sometimes see the $i ure o$ a man, on an em'ty road in a deserted landsca'e, walkin hearse is takin want to #e #ehind a hearse. & am that man. &t's you the away. & don't want to #e there $or your cremationC & don't

iven an urn with your ashes in it. & hear the voice o$ Aathleen

,errier sin in , 'Die %elt ist leer, &ch will nicht le#en mehr'O and & wake u'. & check your #reathin , my hand #rushes over you. <either o$ us wants to outlive the other. %e've o$ten said to ourselves that i$, #y some miracle, we were to have a second li$e, we'd like' to s'end it to ether. 24 7arch . > ;une 2??>

O *he world is em'ty. & don't want to o on livin .