FUNNY SOCCER Collection: Top 7 Funny Soccer Jokes

from Funny Soccer Cartoons

Funny Soccer Joke #1:

(Contributed by anonymous)

There were two guys having chitchat on their way home..

Johny...
We've got the best football team in the country unbeaten and no goals scored against us!'

Alex...
'How many games have you played?'

Johny...
'The first one's next Saturday.'

(Contributed by anonymous)

Three fans were bemoaning the fact that their team kept losing and was facing relegation.
"I blame the manager" said the first...
"if he would sign new players then we could be a great side"

"I blame the players" said the second...

"if they made more effort I am sure we would score more goals"

"I blame my parents" added the third...

"if I'd been born in another town I'd be supporting a decent team!

(Contributed by anonymous)

At a local derby between Arsenal and Spurs last season, a spectator. suddenly found himself
in the thick of dozens of flying bottles.

'There's nothing to worry about, lad,' said the elderly chap standing next to him...
'It's like the bombs during the war. You won't get hit unless the bottle's got your name on it.'

'That's just what I'm worried about,' said the fan...

'My name's Johnny Walker
Funny Soccer Joke #2:
(Contributed by anonymous)

A man went off to a football match one Saturday afternoon, and while he was away his wife
was 'visited by a 'friend' who just happened to be jogging past her house and was dressed in
shorts and singlet.

The wife was happily entertaining him on the sofa when suddenly they heard her husband
coming through the front door.

Quick as a flash, the visitor hid behind the large television set in the corner.

The husband came in and said...

'It's started to pour with rain so I thought I'd come home and watch the second half on telly.'

He switched on the television and settled down to watch the game. After about twenty
minutes the wife's visitor started to get severe cramp so, casting caution to the winds, he
calmly got up from behind the set and walked out of the room.

The husband turned to his wife and said...

'That's funny - I didn't see the ref send him off.'

(Contributed by anonymous)

A supporter arrived at the ground one Saturday to find the place completely empty. He went
to the office and asked an official,

'What time does the match start?'

'There's no match today,' replied the official.

'But there must be!' argued the fan...

'It's Saturday.'

'I'm telling you there's no match today,' repeated the official.

'But there's always a match on Saturday afternoon,' said the fan...

'even if it's only a reserves game.'

'Watch my lips,' shouted the irate official...

'There is no M-A-T-F-C-H today!'

'Well, for your information,' the would-be spectator shouted back, 'there's no F in match.',

'That's what I've been trying to tell you!' yelled the official.
Funny Soccer Joke #3:
(Contributed by anonymous)

A week before the Cup Final at Wembley a few years ago there was an advertisement in The
Times which read:

'Man offers marriage to woman supplying Cup Final ticket for next Saturday. Replies must
enclose photograph of ticket.'

(Contributed by anonymous)

Ballymena United fan travelled to Bangor to see his team play the league leaders. He went
into a pub for a few quick ones before the match but stayed rather too long and forgot about
the game entirely.

The match was long over when he left the pub and he caught the bus home and immediately
fell asleep.

He woke with a start some time later, and glancing out of the window, saw a sign which read
BALLYMENA 30, BANGOR 20.

'Hurray!' he shouted...
'I knew we could beat the beggars!'

(Contributed by anonymous)

Our club manager won't stand for any nonsense. Last Saturday he caught a couple of fans
climbing over the stadium wall.

He was furious. He grabbed them by the collars and said,

"Now you just get back in there and watch the game till it finishes."

Funny Soccer Joke #4:

(Contributed by anonymous)

Two mad fans were sitting frozen and feeling awful on the terrace were complaining that the
torrential rain and severe fog was making the game very boring to watch.
They decided that they might as well go and grab a bite of something warm to eat.

Just as they raised from their seats a policeman interuppted them.

"You two should go home now" he said "the game was abandoned about 30 minutes ago!"
(Contributed by anonymous)
The boss called the office-boy into his private sanctum.
`How did your great-aunt's funeral go yesterday afternoon?' he asked.

'It went off all right, sir,' said the office-boy, puzzled.

'Good, good,' said the boss...

'Pity they've got to do it all over again.'

'Pardon,sir?' said the-office-boy.

'Yes. I understand there's a replay on Saturday.”

Funny Soccer Joke #5:

(Contributed by anonymous)

“Did you hear what happened to old Andy McTavish last Saturday?”

“He walked all the way to Cardiff for the Cup Final to save on the train fare and then had to
pay £20 to get in because he was too tired to climb over the wall!”

(Contributed by anonymous)

A football hooligan appeared in court charged with disorderly conduct and assault. The
arresting officer, giving evidence, stated that the accused had thrown something into the
canal...
`What exactly was it that he threw into the canall' asked the magistrate.

'Stones, sir.'

'Well, that's hardly an offence is it?'

'It was in this case, sir,' said the police officer...

'Stones was the referee.

(Contributed by anonymous)

The rivalry between Celtic and Rangers in Scotland is well known. A Celtic fan looking for
trouble went up to a perfect stranger in a pub in Sauchiehall Street and shouted in his ear...
'To hell with the Rangers!'

The stranger looked puzzled...

'I don't know what you're talking about, bud,' he said...
'I'm an American from Houston, Texas.'
The Celtic fan looked nonplussed for a moment but then, with a flash of inspiration, he
yelled...
'To hell with the Texas Rangers, then!

Funny Soccer Joke #6:

(Contributed by anonymous)

Two men were at a football match and it was just seconds away from kick-off.
"Man," said the first man...
"I'm bursting for a pee, and the toilets are miles away"

"Don't worry," said the second man...

"You see that bloke in front of you? Just pee up his leg."

"Are you crazy?" said the first man...

"that bloke's massive."

"Oh," said the second man...

"he won't notice anything."

"How do you know?" said the first man.

"Because I've just peed up yours!" said the second man.

(Contributed by anonymous)

A rather dim fan arrives at a football match midway through the second half.
"What's the score?" he asks his friend as he settles into his seat.
"Nil-nil," comes the reply.
"And what was the score at half-time?" he asks.

Funny Soccer Joke #7:

(Contributed by anonymous)

In a crucial Cup semi-final a few years ago, the capacity rowd of 30,000 watched a rather
diminutive striker get possession of the ball early in the second half.

He was immediately tackled by three large defenders, and went down under a pile of
thrashing arms and legs.
Emerging dazed from the melee a few moments later, he looked round at the crowded stands
and gasped...

'How did they all get back in their seats so quickly?'

(Contributed by anonymous)

Two old men were holding up the queue outside the turnstyle before the game, while one of
them hunted for his ticket. He looked in his coat pockets and his waistcoat pockets and his
trouser pockets, all to no avail...

“Hang on a minute,” said the gateman...

“What's that in your mouth?”

“ It was the missing ticket!”

As they moved inside his mate said...

“Crikey, Cyril! You must be getting senile in your old age. Fancy having your ticket in your
mouth and forgetting about it!”

“'I'm not' that stupid,” said old Cyril...

“I was chewing last week's date off it.”

(Contributed by anonymous)

On the fooball stadium corridor, two fans having their chat.

First fan...
"I wish I'd brought the piano to the stadium."

Second fan...
"Why would you bring a piano to the football game?"

First fan...
"Because I left the tickets on it."

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