And it came, but came too late

I have just read a novel, Gone With The Wind, by Margaret Mitchell. It was recommended by a friend who watched the movie. I have writhed and cringed ever so hard throughout the time when I was reading the book, and the last pages of the book brought out tears from me. Even until now, my heart is still full of aching. So I thought it is better to blog my heart out. If you have not yet read the novel, here is the summary. But in general, I want to say that Scarlett OHara, the protagonist of the story, was a country girl from Georgia living sometime in the 1800s. She was outwardly beautiful and gorgeous, but she was a whitewashed wall. For she was selfish, conceited, vain, and proud. Very proud. And very selfish. As I have been reading her story, I have writhed in anguish all throughout. I have not yet read a story, a novel that conveyed such a very clear image of the kind of world we live in. There were the everpresent quarrels and wars and fighting. There were the vices, the hardships, the injustice. Life, in the story, has been implied as hard, cruel, and bitter. But I have seen it in a different point of view. The description of how life goes is, in principle, very realistic. And it has only made me realize even more clearly that the world, in spite of its pretense of being a friendly, lovely place, is still sinful, vile, utterly hopeless and under the sway of the Prince of the Power of the air. And men are willful victims of Satans sways. Indeed, they are the Devils slaves, bound to commit sin, to be selfish, to seek happiness in everything, save that which is the real source of it. But they love being prisoners. They kiss and worship the very chains and shackles that bind them. Men may say they have been imprisoned, but they have gone into that cage of their own accord. Scarlett has been driven by the hardships of war to desire nothing else but moneyand the love of wedded man. Throughout the book, her selfishness, her lustful and adulterous desires for a man Ashley Wilkes, her arrogant and stubborn ways of trampling on Gods Word, her hardening of the conscience, were all clearly depicted. So clear indeed that I writhed, cringed, and even shuddered as I read them. At the end of the book, she was left by everyoneeven and especially her husband. Why, she was so busy collecting shiny pebbles. And when she had her hands full, she wanted more of those pebbles and threw away what little amount of precious diamonds she was holding. And then, and then she realized the vanity of it all. The realization andI dare sayremorse came, but it came way too late. Finally she understood the people around her, but by then she has no one left to understand, to make up for her previous mistakes. She lost all the precious stones by collecting pebbles. As I read, there is the great temptation to sit in judgment over her, over the people, who had all done something wrong, something vile and sinful. Oh, they were all so selfish, so proud! If they humbled themselves a little, lessened their selfishness, oh! How differently the story would have ended up! And how happy too. Scarlett has been pursuing the wrong thing all the time. How could she have been a fool? I thought. But as I ponder on these thoughts further, a fearful thought occurred to me. Scarlett was the utter image for selfishness and pride. But how sure I am that I share none of her traits? She was stubborn, and I judge her for that. But am I meek and submissive? She wanted fame; she was so vain,

conceited, and too full of herself. I look at her with contempt. But, in my heart, am I sure that I do not have these characteristics, however subtle they may seem to be? And once again I have been humiliated before God. Through this fictional character, the Lord revealed to me my tendencies, had He not have mercy on me and saved me from such a life. And it provoked me to assess my thoughts, my heart, my actions, my reasons for doing the things that I do and saying the things I say. Why do I study? Why do I go to school? Why do I want to take up the course I intend to take? Why do I plan to do the things I plan to do? Why do I love people? Is it because I am meekly submitting to Gods will? Because I am selflessly loving everyone whom God sends to my life? Why do I say the things I say? Think the thoughts I think of? Why do I even obey God, or the authorities above me? Is it because I am in constant, moment-by-moment struggle to please God? Because I trust Him and do not rely one bit on my own understanding? Indeed, why? Can I face God right now with a clean conscience, saying I have acted, spoken and thought, not according to my will, not in accordance to my understanding, but in obedience to His revealed word? This book did more than simply amuse me and suffice my readers thirst for something to read. It exposed me of my many shortcomings and imperfections. It indirectly revealed, but revealed all the same, my own sinfulness. And at its conclusion, I could almost hear Christs words: Unless you repent, you will all likewise perish. Scarlett has been so wrong in making her decisions because she trusted her own reasons, her own deceitful heart, her own understanding. She lost everything because she acted on her own way, rejecting the teachings of the Law of God taught both by her mother and her conscience. She has been wrong. But let me not be so. How I can cry even more fervently now with Frederick Whitfield when he wrote,

I need thee, precious Jesus, for I am full of sin. My heart is dark and guilty, my soul is dead within. I need the cleansing fountain, where I can always flee, The blood of Christ more precious, the sinners perfect plea. May Scarletts selfishness, vanity, and pride never lurk their shadows upon my soul. And may Mrs. Melanie Wilkes gentle and quiet spirit be what I possess! Indeed, that has been my struggle since I confessed Christ to be my Propitiator, and though it takes me whole life time I will not, no I will NOT, stop striving to be what the Lord has desired me to be. Though I crawl in hardship and poverty, may I never desert my duty to be a salt and light in this dark and rotten world. All these from reading a novel. Although the novel did not much give me something I would wish to imitate, it has further hardened my determination to fight against the world and its schemes, and to tread the Narrow Path. Oh! Let me crawl in hardship, let me receive countless wounds and hundred blows, so long as I am assured that I am making my way to Celestial City, guided by the ever gracious and merciful hand of my Father.

Her Story of Salvation

"How precious did that grace appear the hour I first believed..." What is my story of salvation? How did I come to know Christ? When did I become a Christian and believe in the Lord Jesus Christ? Honestly, these questions are so hard for me to answer straightly. For you see, salvation usually doesn't come in just one night. It often comes to you gradually, so gradual you would find it hard to find an exact date when you've been saved. To begin with, that is my story.

I grew up in a Christian family, with Christian parents to bring me to this Reformed Baptist church every Sunday. They diligently brought me up with discipline, rebuking me for any sinful tendencies or acts they see. I attended Sunday Schools, gained knowledge about the Scripture, but that was all. Deep inside, I never really cared to please God. I hardly even desired strongly to utterly please my own parents whom I see, much less someone who is invisible in my sight. I did all the "religious" acts because I've simply gotten used to them. They didn't really come from a determination in my heart.

I had set aside the thought of surrendering my life to Christ and the thought of begging for God's grace, thinking there would be lots of time for those when I grow up, and that they were not that important.

I was a hypocrite, all right. 'Cause in my heart, I hated almost everyone and everything in my life. I hated my brothers for being so irritating, I hated my parents for being so judgmental, I hated my life for being so "miserable". "I want to have justice and fairness," I always wrote in my past journals. In short, I was saying (though not directly) that everything in my life would be perfect if everyone and everything would change. EXCEPT me.

Like I said, I cannot remember exactly when I got saved, but I do remember a certain family devotion that kind of slapped me and made me see a glimpse of the reality... it was John 5. It wasn't the first time I've heard of it, but suddenly in the middle of the devotion a thought popped in my head: Are you ready to face Christ now? Do you really believe in Him, or are you just one of these Pharisees, hypocrites who study God's Word but do not believe with their hearts in it? I can say the thought rattled me. After the devotion I prayed for Christ's salvation to reach me. All these happened one late October morning in 2009.

Okay, don't expect my rebellions against God ended there. Because they certainly did not. Looking back, I cannot help but think my life went on as it was before. I still hated people and my life. I still complained

about everything. You can see it in my journals. But God seemed to be forcing me back to enlightenment. To realizing who I am and how sinful I am. To repentance and begging for His grace.

June 2010, my journals started to be filled with prayers. Somehow, I've been slappedstronger then, in my opinionand suddenly realized that I was on my way to hell, and there is no good deed great enough I can do to be saved. That scared me so much; I started praying for Christ's salvation almost every night. But there was something wrong with my prayers. I was asking for hell insurance, not a deliverer from my sins.

But God would never surrender. He cornered me once more and made me realize that I AM in need of a Savior from my sins. So new words were added to my prayers. "Please save me from my sins. Change my heart of stone to a heart of flesh, and may I be found growing in faith in You." Every night, I'm praying almost the same prayer over and over again, and for the record I really meant the words I said. Almost every night, my prayers were (and still are, by the way) mixed with tears, too. And after every tearmixed, intense prayer, I felt so refreshed. What a relief to carry my burdens to the Lord!

But, oh wretched man that I am. I have lots of things to learn still. The prayers were well-intent, but I was so proud of myself that I expected that the following day everything I do, think, and say would be Christian-like already. And alas, it did not happen that way. I was still my old selfish, self-centered, easyto-be-angry self. I was so depressed and frustrated with myself. "Why Lord? Why can't I change?" That was the summary of my journal entries and prayers.

I cannot remember exactly when I committed myself completely to Christ. But I do remember myself asking my mother on our way home from Ate Teya's sister's funeral how she was assured of her salvation; how she was assured that Christ really did pay for her sins, and how she knew for certain that she really was one of the Elect. After a moment's silence, she said, "I don't know. I just held on to His promise, and the next thing I knew, I was growing in faith." This answer of hers gave me hope. Maybe, in spite of all my sinfulness, I thought, I can still call Christ as mine.

Still, all doubts didn't end there. My mom said she knew she was growing in faith. But with my judgment, I did not and could not see any change in me. There was the desire to obey God's word, and the determination to live a Christian life, but my works were still the same. This bothered me so much. Am I really saved? Am I really one of the Elect? If so, why am I not changing? What if I'm simply just not one of the people for whom Christ died? What if my name is not written in God's heart? What if I'm simply meant to go to hell? Or what if I am saved, but the church won't believe me because there has not been "enough'" change?

I remembered myself crying so hard almost every night in prayer with agony, begging for Christ's love, mercy, and grace. I cried a lot during many Sunday sermons. Often, exactly what the Pastor was saying turned out to be my struggles. And whats more, almost the exact words I wrote in my journal few days ago were used by Pastor the following Sunday in preaching. Finally, I cannot hold all these to myself. I told it to my friends. But it wasn't enough. I e-mailed my parents about this, and about my doubts and thoughts. My parents forwarded it then to Ptr. Rene. His reaction surprised me so much. He said the email only confirmed what he and his family were thinking. "We have seen that God is really working on you." I never expected it. I thought they would all raise one eyebrow at me and ask, "Has there really been a change?" Frankly, yes, that was what I thought they would all do. (I mean, not just pastor's family, but my parents, the church, and all. I myself hadnt been too confident to state boldly that Christ did pay for my sins, and I know my heart with all the struggles in it. What more could another person, who does have any idea whats in my heart, think?) That was why I was so scared. So nervous. I almost didn't want to tell anyone else but my friends.

But then Ptr. Rene told me he believed me. He encouraged me. He told me I can ask him anytime whenever I have questions. So I took all the courage in me and asked him: Am I supposed to apply for church membership now? Or am I too young for its responsibility? "Nothing will be lost in waiting," he said.

Being closer to Ate Hapi Maramara helped me so much. I was comforted to know my struggles had been her struggles too. Well, I thought, maybe I'm not that much of a fast learner, but at least I know someone, who is a matured Christian, experienced these struggles, too. It's a big thing for me to know that a friend of mine understands my thoughts. I'm so thankful I have her as my close friend.

I long so much to be part of the church ever since I was thirteen. But, like what our pastor had said, theres nothing wrong with waiting. And now here is my testimony at last, offered to be read by all the members (and even attendees) of Sovereign Grace Church

Like I said, I have so many things to learn yet. (And judging by what I see today, I'm pretty sure I'm a fool spiritually.) But I know God will never be impatient like me, and I know He is determined never to stop teaching me until I learn my lessons... And I'll never run out of them.