An Inconvenient Pitch By Steven Hedrick Jr.

INT. OFFICE - DAY A petite SECRETARY slumps behind a desk, staring off into space, when a MASSIVE PAPERBACK TOME slams down onto the desktop in front of her. Startled, she looks up to see a tan, muscular middle-aged MAN towering over her, muscles taut beneath a sharp suit. MAN Do you know what this is? He gestures down at the bloated document. She follows his gaze to see the words "Report on Climate Change, Weather Patterns, and Atmospheric Irregularities, Part II" emblazoned across the front in an academic font. She nods her head, eager to agree. MAN Good. Then you know why Im here. The secretary furrows her eyebrows in confusion. MAN I need to see him. Face-to-face. SECRETARY Um... She hesitates, eyes flitting over an appointment calender. SECRETARY ...he actually is busy, right now, feeding the ducks, but if youd like, you can leave a message with me and Ill be sure that he gets it! She hands him a stack of the Post-It notes and a pen. He smacks them out of her hand, flips open the document on the desk, and and grips the sides of her face with both hands, forcing her to scan the complex charts and graphs found within. MAN The ice caps are melting. Drought and wildfires threaten our every turn. Wildlife are dying in record numbers. Our very atmosphere is disintigrating even as we speak. (MORE) (CONTINUED)

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MAN (contd) And you want me to wait. You behave like we have time. But no, no young lady, we must strike while the iron is hot. Otherwise there wont be any ducks left to feed. His face is mere inches from her now, saliva spewing onto her cheeks. MAN Which is why I must see him now. He lets go of her and starts for the nearby door. SECRETARY Who should I tell him is visiting? The man pauses, looks back to her, and grins. MAN Mr. Bender, to you. But for Al, well he just calls me Larry. The man, now called LARRY, throws open the door as the secretary picks up a phone and frantically dials a number. EXT. CREEKSIDE - DAY An impossibly idlyic spot near a serene creek. An old man is seated there, fishing pole in the water. LARRY Hello, Al. AL GORE turns to see Larry. His face breaks into a broad grin. He rises and they enthusiastically shake hands. AL Larry! What a pleasure. Its been, what, a couple months or so? LARRY Try eight years. AL Oh wow. Time sure can slip away from you out here in the ceaseless splendor of nature. What with the birds and the trees and the fish-

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LARRY Al. Im going to keep this short: we need to do it again. AL Wha...? Larry shoves the climate change report into Als hands. Al sifts through it, incredulously scanning the pages. AL It cant be...oh dear... LARRY The people need a sequel. AL They didnt listen the first time. What makes you think we can change their minds now? LARRY Your skills as a verbarraconteur have only grown more potent with time. AL Even so, we already got the Oscar. And the Nobel Peace Prize. And a ninety-three percent on Rotten Tomatoes. What else is there left for us? LARRY Al, have you ever heard of an EGOT? AL Well, yea, they fly south through the Andes every September. Sweet little things thatLARRY No, Al. Im not talking about a bird. Im talking about the mother of all accomplishments, that sublime combination of awards that moves the human form even closer to transcendence. AL You dont mean...

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CONTINUED: LARRY Emmy. Grammy. Oscar. Tony. Youre still short. But with this sequel, were going to nab the other three with ease. And, while were at it, stop the single most audacious threat humanity has ever faced. AL But, Larry, how can we possible do that with a scientific graphs and anecdotes about my family? LARRY Simple: Song and Dance. Everyone loves musicals these days. And what better way to instill legitimate change than with a catchy song you cant get out of your head, eh? See, well start as a Broadway Play, which will nab us the Tony in the fall. A spin-off Grammy-winning record will undoubtedly follow suit, which makes for prime launching grounds for our hit new network telvision show. A multi-cam sitcom riffing on your rural upbringing. With more songs, of course. And then we will have it: immortaity at last. Al strokes his chin, thinking it over. LARRY This should be the easiest decision in the world. Just remember, the fate of humanity hangs on this. AL Alright, Im in. But one request: can I get another scissor lift? Larry grins. LARRY Al, were going to get you the tallest scissor-lift in the whole wide world. Larry and Al embrace and stare off into the sunset. FADE OUT: THE END

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