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"Wiredfor
Loq,,e
new way. Partners will learn how to engage positively as a couple to help each other feel safe and secure by following the relationship exercises suggested in
this exciting new book. In clear, concise language, Tatkin describes the
ways
that partners can understand and become experts on one another. He suggests building a "couple bubble" wherein each partner is the most important person in the other's life, the one individual on whom the partner can always count."
-Marion
F. Solomon, director of
"Read this book to discover a multitude of new ways to enliven your relation,
ship and end needless conflicts. Stan Tatkin is one of the most innovative thinkers in the couples relationship world today. It's impossible to read this
book without learning new patterns to enhance your love."
-Ellyn
therapy, codirector of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA, and author of TeIlMe No Lies andln Quest of thelvbthicalMate
"Reading Stan Tatkin's book makes you want to be in therapy with him. With
intense and fearless clariry he takes you into the trenches of the combative human brain and shows you how to make love, not war."
-Esther
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Publisher's Note
This publication is designed to provide dccurate and authoritatiue information in regard to the subject matter cooxred. h is sotd with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering pslchological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the seruices of a competent professional should be sought.
Oakland, CA94609
'
www.newharbinger.com
Cover design by Amy Shoup; Text design by Tiacy Marie Carlson; Acquired by Tesilya Hanauer; Edited by Clancy Drake
All
Rights Reserved
Tatkin, Stan. Wired for love : how understanding your partner's brain and attachment style can help you defuse conflict and build a secure relationship / Stan Tatkin. p.cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
15 14 1098765
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cultural anthropologist Helen Fisher offers us some clues that prior to 11,000
years ago, couples formed a "pair bond" for the purposes of procreation and
physical survival. She believes this bond was based on an implicit ethic of
"sharing" that served mutual interests and needs. Their roles were specific. \Vomen gathered wood for the fires, cared for the children, and gathered
fruit, berries, nuts, and roots, which they shared with the men. Men hunted wild game, which they shared with the women and children, whom they also protected from other men and wild animals. While these pair relationships were clearly sexual, they were not very durable and it is probable that they were not very intimate. Estimates are that they lasted about three years on average, or until the children were mobile. Both sexes repeatedly sought and
consummated other relationships. \7omen gave birth to many children from
different fathers and men sired many children with whom they most likely spent little time and whom they seldom recognized as their progeny. Most children were reared by single mothers and transient fathers. That ail changed about 11,000 years ago when, according to the same body of research, the hunters and gatherers learned how to grow food and
corral and breed animals. No longer having to search for food, they settled down into small compounds and villages, and the concept of "property" that had to be protected arose. This concept may have applied at first only to animals and crops, but since children and women also needed protection, the concept eventually extended to include them. Small social groups evolved into villages, cities, and even empires, adding new layers of importance to
social relations. The concept of property ownership gave birth to economics,
and who children belonged to and whom they married became critically
important components of both social and economic structures. So the second
version of couplehood, the "arranged marriage," was born. It had nothing to do with romantic attraction, personal needs, or mature love and everything
to do with social status, economic security, and political expedience. So parents collaborated with other parents, usually without much regard for the preferences of their sons and daughters, to select spouses for their children
who would improve or maintain the social and economic status of the family
Little if any attention was paid to the quality of the couple's relationship. The couple were expected to honor family values and approved
as a whole.
IX
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psychotherapy-to conflict resolution, negotiation, and problem solving. This was helpful to some couples whose issues were not so difficult, but for others the conflict resolution process was a failure. These more difficuit cou. ples were advised to engage in depth psychotherapy to work through their long-standing personal problems independent of their relationship, and to separate from each other with the assumption that when they came back together, free of their personal neuroses, they could meet each others' needs,
current and past, and create a satisfying and wonderful relationship. This model did not work very well. Most partners who were successful in their private psychotherapy tended to divorce rather than reconcile. The divorce rate reached about 50 percent, and there it has heid steady for the past sixty years. The statistics on the success of marriage therapy has held steady at around 30 percent-not a shining success for this fledgling
profession.
In recent
with this
model is its focus on the "individuai" as the foundational unit of society and
on the satisfaction of personal needs as the goal of marriage. Given that democracy gave political reaiity to the concept of the individual and Freud illuminated the architecture of the interior of the seli this perspective makes sense. It led Freud to locate the human problem inside the individual and to
create psychotherapy as a cure for the ills of the self. Since marital counseling
and couples therapy are the handmaidens of psychotherapy, it makes sense that marital therapy would focus on healing the individuals as a precondition for a satisfying relationship. It also makes sense that therapists would assume that the problem was unmet needs "inside" the individuals and that relationships existed to satisfy those needs. This all give birth to this narrative of
marriage: If your relationship is not satisfying your needs, you are married to the wrong person. You have a right to the satisfaction of your needs in a rela-
if that does not happen, you should change partners and try again to get the same needs met with a different person. To put it in more crass terms, your marriage is about "you" and your needs and if it does not
tionship, and
provide you with satisfaction, its dissolution is justifiable no matter the consequences for others, even the children.
This narrative has birthed the phenomena of multiple marriages, oneparent families, shattered children, the "starter" marriage, and cohabitation
xlt
IIIX
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Couplehood becomes the container for the joy of being, which is a connected
relationship. And, since the quality of couplehood determines the tenor of the social fabric, the extension ofthat joy from the local to the global could
heal most human suffering.
In my view, Wiredfor Loveby Stan Tatkin is more than an addition to the vast literature directed to couples.
It is more than
a brilliant integration of
is
no small achievement: this book will help couples flourish in their relationships and it will aid the professionals who want to help couples be more effective. Since the author has provided a thorough guide for those on the journey to lasting love, it requires no summary here. It speaks for itseli and I encourage
ship and of the potential of marriage for personal and social healing will
change forever!
XIV
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when you
In short, it's my conviction that having a better understanding about how our brains function*in other words, how we're wired-puts us in a better position to make well-informed choices in our relationships. Scientific evidence suggests that, from a biological standpoint, we humans have been wired
largely for purposes that are more wariike than loving in nature. That's the
bad news. But the good news is that recent research suggests a variety ofstrat egies and techniques are available to reverse this predisposition. We can,
in
effect, take steps to assure we are primarily wired for love. These strategies can help us create stable, loving relationships in which we are poised to effec, tively defuse conflict when it arises. So why not make use of them? In the first three chapters of this book, I provide you with general principles, drawn from cutting-edge research, to help you understand what makes a relationship successful and work toward that with your partner. The chapters that follow expand on these principles
tionship style based on the latest research, it will be easier for the two of you to work together and fix any problems that may arise. In essence, this book
can serve as an owner's manual for understanding yourself, your partner, and your relationship.
Now, you may raise your eyebrows at the notion of an owner's manual. Your pa_rtner isn't property, after all. I couldn't agree more. However, I like
it
conveys
I would propose to you that all couples do in fact follow one or another set of rules and principles in their relationship. They may not be conscious of it, but they already have an owner's manual of sorts. Unfortunately, many couples have the wrong manual. And in the case of distressed couples, they always
have it wrong.
In my work with couples, I've noticed that partners tend to form their
own theories about the cause of their problems. They do this out of distress and despair, and out of their need to know why, "Why am I in pain?" "Vhy
am I feeling threatened or unsafe?" "\Why is this relationship not working out
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auo sr sarroeqt qJns uo 8urd1e; 'Llareurrlln'8uur.tt lelueurepunJ rno Jetle l(uoP
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NOIrtncof rNI
not speaking of research I conducted; these were the fields of study I men. tioned earlier that have witnessed enormous leaps forward in the past few
decades. The more I studied the latest findings and observed how they played
out daily in my office, the more lights flashed in my mind. I reaiized this valuable knowledge wasn't being properly synthesized for and focused on adult
with couples had not begun to connect the dis. parate dots of various sciences. They were a bit like technical support people
couples. Therapists working
working with out-of-date manuals. Their advice only went so far. I became convinced the most important thing I could do with my time and energy was
to find the connections between these areas of research and put them to
practical clinical use. One of these areas is the field of neuroscience, the study of the human brain. This, I discovered, provides a physiological basis for understanding our strengths and weaknesses, including those that drive our relationships. For example, I am utterly stupid when it comes to math, an ability managed by
many parts of the brain, such as the intraparietal sulcus. Fortunately, my work doesn't depend on math, nor do my relationships with my wife and daughter.
But my ability to read faces, emotional tone, and social cues (managed by the brain's right hemisphere) is a different matter. If I were weak in that area, I would be out of a job and maybe even a marriage (again). As we will see in chapter 2, some parts of our brain predispose us to first and foremost seek security. This can wreak havoc on a relationship if we don't learn to use the
more evolved parts of the brain to override this wiring and exert control over the primitive parts.
A second area of research is attachment theory, which explains our biological need to attach to or bond with others, starting with our earliest relationships. Our early experiences form an instructional blueprint that is stored
in body memory and becomes part of our basic relational wiring-our sense of safety and security. In a nutshell, some individuals are fundamentally secure in their relationships, while others are insecure. Insecurity can lead us to remain distant from a partner or to harbor ambivalence about relating.
However insecurity manifests, as we
acquired early in life.
will
see
in chapter 3, it
has insidious
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1 1
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Partners who are experts on one another know how to please and soothe each other.
v
? ?
Partners with busy lives should create and use bedtime and morning rituals, as well as reunion rituals, to stay connected. Partners should serve as the primary go'to people
another.
for
one
Partners should prevent each other from being a third wheel when relating to outsiders.
Partners who want to stay together must learn to fight well'
? ? ?
eye
These principles are based on the latest science, but let me stress again: you don't have to grasp the technicalities of the science to understand these principles. I.have done that for you. In fact, I've done my best to make them
with scientific jargon. As I said, life is complex enough already. If there is a hallmark for this age, per. haps it will be our ability to take the complex findings of scientific research and apply rhem smoorhly and effectively in our everyday lives, to better
sleep
understand ourselves and to love more fully. Each chapter includes exercises to help you apply the principle discussed therein. You can do most of the exercises on your own, or you and youl part,
ner can do them together. Actually, there is a certain irony here. An importanr premise of this book is that happy couples share a high degree of closeness and togetherness. Yet most people tend to read books-even books about
relationships-on their own. So I encourage you to buck this trend. Share what is in this book with your partner. You will get even more out of it.
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to end the Jenny and Bradley were on the brink of brealcup. Neither wanted relationship, but bad things kept happening, and each blamed the other. They had started dating as freshmen, and they were now about to graduate from
college. Both wanted to get married and have a family.
She enjoyed Jenny's family resided on the East Coast near the coilege'
with them, particularly her mother, with whom she spoke daily. Bradley hailed from the \fest Coast, where his family lived. Because of the disrance, he made bnly one trip annually, each time inviting Jenny. She often felt neglected during these trips, despite the fact that she adored Bradley's father. Bradley liked to attend parties and engage with his friends in a way
close ties
that left Jenny to fend alone against advances from other men and what she considered dull conversations with their dates. Bradley never seemed to notice Jenny's discontent during these events, but certainly felt the sting of
her angry withdrawal afterward.
Their conversations would go something like this: "You always do this!" she says. "You bring me to these things and then leave me standing there as if I don't exist. I don't know why you bother to invite mel"
Bradley's response is defensive. "I'm sick and tired of having this conver-
sation. You're being ridiculous. I didnt do anything wrongl" To make her case, Jenny brings up Bradley's friend, Tommy, who she says has been inappropriate with her. "He gets drunk and comes on to me, and you
a11."
These conversations usually ended with Jenny going off to sulk and Bradley feeling punished. Nor did things go better when the situation was reversed, Jenny often visited her family, and expected Bradley to join her. He complained she disappeared with her mother and sisters, forcing him to '!7hen the cou' "hang" with her father, with whom he had little in common. ple were alone, their conversations about this sounded similar in many ways to the previous one:
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expect to be swept off our feet or to feel whole and completed or to believe
we've met our soul mate. And we expect this profound connection to sustain
our relationship. Nothing seems more important. However, these feelings and ideals often exact a price ifwe as partners are unable to provide one another
with a satisfying level of security. The truth is, even if a couple does experience a profound connection, this represents only the beginning of their rela-
tionship. lVhat ultimately counts in the life of the couple is what happens 'S7hat after their courtship, love affair, or infatuation phase. counts is their
abillty to be there for one another, no matter what.
Consider another couple, Greta and Bram, both thirty. When they married a year ago, they rented an apartment in the city, where Greta was securely
employed as a school teacher. Bram's family lived in a nearby rural town, and
It was not the type of event that ordinarily suited Bram, who preferred dungarees to dress shirts, ties, and jackets. He also tended to feel shy and even a
bit tongue tied, especially in gatherings with folks he didn't know. Greta, on the other hand, moved well in large circles of strangers. Despite their differences, however, Bram prepared himself for an evening with Greta on his arm. Their conversation as they dressed went something like this: "It's not you, you know," Bram says with a concerned look on his face, while on his third attempt to make a proper tie. "I just dont like being with all these peopie I dont know."
"I
"I know," Greta replies, staring straight ahead as she applies her eyeliner. to come anyway. The moment you want to
"Okay," says Bram, as he finally gets the tie right.
After she parks their car, Greta turns to Bram and switches on the overhead light. "How do I look?" she asks, puckering her lips.
"Beautiful as usual," Bram replies with a lingering gaze into her eyes. She scans his eyes in return, and a moment passes as they enjoy a mutual
gale of excitement. "Let's make a plan," she says softly. "You'Il keep me on your arm when we go in, and I'11 probably see some people I know. Don't leave
me, okay? I want to introduce you."
10
II
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ere l,eql teqt ro 'ecuapuadepur leqt enlea Leqr retlt {der rq8lu deqr 'stqr tnoq utaqt peuorlsanb no[;1 'eldnoc E s speeu Jlaql Ja^o spaeu leuosrad rrer{t azrtrroud Leqt 'eloqs o} seruoc qsnd ual{l6. 'PuoJas aldnor e se pue 'lsrg
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AIIfVNINW
puelsrepun uBJ
SNSU:IA
AWONOINY
'are deqt s oq ot aruuc Leqt s uoltounJ laqr l^qm pu 'op ^roq ^ol{t e.tt }l ees pue IJBtep rateer8 ur seldnoc qtoq tE Iool s(tel rng 'l,reldruexe se dn plaq aq ol selJesap pue 'renag sleeJ {tereq sryo.r,r dtgsuon
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Laqt se
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1
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In contrast, Bram and Greta each appear to know something about how 1We can say their model the other thinks and feels, and each cares about that. is one of mutuality. It is based on sharing and mutual respect. Neither expects the other ro be different from who he or she is, and both use this shared knowledge as a way to protect one another in private as well as public settings.
For example, Greta anticipates Bram's discomfort and addresses it in a way that protects his dignity. She acts as if she needs him, though she knows he is the needier one in this situation. Neither Bram nor Greta is poised to throw the other under the bus. It is as if they maintain a protective bubble around
themselves.
The couple bubble rs a term I like to use to describe the mutually constructed membrane, cocoon, or womb that holds a couple together and pro' tects each partner from outside elements. A couple bubble is an intimate environment that the partners create and sustain together and that implicitly guarantees such things as:
V ? V ?
?
I
"You will be the first to hear about anything and not the second,
te11."
say "implicitly," but couples can and often do make explicit agreements
around any or all of the elements that constitute the couple bubble.
I2
II
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11,1
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Jo eJuepr3ul Sursu e lse8eureru Jo aprslno pu aplsul sseurleuol jo eJuepr^a Surseercur ees e,n 'durouolne uo srseqdura urelsolA, uleporu rno epts8uoly
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WIRED FoR LOVE Think about it. How could this be true? If it were true, babies would
come into this world already self-loving or self-hating. And we know they don't. In fact, human beings don't start by thinking anything about themselves, good or bad. We learn to love ourselves precisely because we have expe-
hood memories of their pe much delay any hurt t-eel quite skilled at handling
If you don't
agree
Think of a time when you were young and your parents didn't believe in you 'Were you still able to believe in yourself? M"yb. you were. But if in some way. so, how did you do it/ From where or from whom did you get your belief? Or 'Were think of an ex-romantic partner who didn't believe in you or trust you. you able to believe in or trust yourself nonetheless? From where did you get that beliefand trust/ In each ofthese cases, chances are very good that ifyou did believe in yourself, that belief originated with somebody important to you. This is how we come to be as we are: all our prior interactions and relationships have shaped the person we are today.
Bram had a simllar e strung, which sometimes the other hand, was rath,
ness; his mother loved the
mother in the best war-. Br about responding to a par well for and feels good r.'
Many couples who come together these days share various ideals about love relationships, yet their prior experiences of love don't match up with their
ideals. That's a problem, because nitty-gritty personal history always trumps ideals. This is just the way we're wired. I( for example, we didn't witness devo-
tion in our parents'marriage, we won't have positive role models for loving to draw upon in our own adult relationships. If we never saw mutual care, sensitivity, and repair in our parents' marriage, those values likely will elude us. Our two couples clearly illustrate this principle. Neither Bradley nor
Jenny is doing anything radically different from what he or she experienced as a child. For instance, Jenny's mother often abandoned Jenny's father in social
n ar
situations, just as Jenny now abandons Bradley. Jenny never experienced her parents as loving or close. To the contrary, they often used the children in
their arguments. Jenny's mother complained to her father about his going off to be with his pals at the bar and leaving her to fend for herself. Bradley's parents often were too busy doing their own thing to spend much time with their kids. His mother was known to drive his father out of the house with her
criticism, something Bradley also resents whenever he becomes Jennyt target
of harsh judgment.
14
SI
oq,r eldoad uBrp ecBld tsrrJ eqt ur rerddErl eq ot puat perrlEur te8 orl,t\ eldood teqt petroder a^Eq-Sn eqr ur (9002) Irel3.^aarpuv pue sE3n'I prgqrru pue
.(ueur:eg ul (t002) Lerg ounrg pue razlnts sroly Sutpn1cur-srerlto
're.ta.uo1-1
lJBrBr s,^uuef sau:oraq rq -:..; jo tno -re'_-r:_ Lllr,r\ eurn gonur pueds
ot:'-.-'-
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One obvious reason people pair up is for procreation. This instinct is embedded in our DNA to ensure the survival of our species. However, pairing up for this purpose doesn't necessarily translate into the need for a long-term, committed relationship. There's certainiy no proo{ at least as far as our species is concerned, that monogamy is nature's mandate.
I find it interesting
life. In fact, neurobiologists studying voles report that prairie voles (who bond with a that some mammals, such
as wolves and prairie voles, do pair up for
Merctxc rH
partner for life) and meadow voles (who do not bond for life) have identifiable genetic differences. It is possible scientists one day will identify human genes that explain why we do or don't decide to pair up.
In the meantime, to understand the purpose of pairing up with another human being, we can think about what happens to a baby. Ideally, all babies have a parent or other caregiver who puts their relationship before all other
matters. The baby feels loved and secure, and the adult also enjoys the feeling
.,'
.I
of being loved and of being with and caring for the baby. The two are in
together. We call this
a
it
Sometimes peopl. :
ab
say this is a
of this from both men an deal breakers include ret better way to scare off
herself before securirr
a
"baby bubble'-much like the couple bubble, only occurring during infancy.
This baby bubble se$ the stage for enjoyable relationships with others later in life. If at an early age we experienced security and a love we could trust, we carry this with us. As adults, we are able to form new primary attachment relationships. \7e feel capable of being strong and loving and secure. On the other hand, if at an early age our relationships with caregivers were less than secure, and the caregiver did not seem to value being with us over all other matters, we are likely to be fearful or worried about entering into or being in relationships. ('!7e will talk in more depth about attachment in the next chapter.)
i:
i.
WE CoME FIRST
Obviously we can't change what happened when we were infants. However,
or she shouldn't even be Mostly, I see parrner: another, but Gar the prt-
those early influences are affecting how we feel about relationships they hinder our ability to form the kinds of bonds we want in our lives now,
if now, if
1.6
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';otunq Jo esues srq eJope .{eur no[ 'aldruexe JoC 's]ueulala 8urlouue UIE]uoJ
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rer1.u
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-:-
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tI
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sI lJul.lsur
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or 1n;dleq u Lderaqt 'saldnoc ouros JoC 'ueqt Sur,tlosar pr,r\ot {ro^(r uBf,
::
ing accelerant to go farrh aiming for the stars, anJ there. But if we want the i
nation, this is preciseiv u'h
tuce. You want it and you buy it as is, or you move on. I realize this might sound harsh. But I have said as much to couples. And generally they respond by taking stock of the situation. They recognize the toll their ambivalence is
HOLDING TC
The couple
bubb.le is
taking on the relationship. Then they are able to move clearly in one direction or the other.
ANT WE READY?
I'm not
suggesting
Sometimes couples find a bubble has been created at the very start of their relationship, with no effort on their parts. A good example of this occurs in WestSide Story when the star.crossed lovers, Tony and Maria, arrive at the dance. Their newly discovered love is represented as a spotlight on them, while everyone else fades into the background. Of coulse, we'|| never know
if
Chances are they would have had to work to maintain their couple bubble.
are different from a relationship that's moving toward or has become imbued with a sense of permanence. In the beginning of a relationship, we are besot'
ted and captivated by the blissful hopefulness and mutual admiration we feel. Our brains are awash rn dopamine and noradrenaline, two chemicals that greatly enhance excitement, focus, and attention. When we leave each other's
EXENCTSE: T
After you and your partner next step is to monitor it. 1
orbit, our brains wrestle with diminished serotonin, a chemical that often calms anxiety and obsession. 1We find ourselves thinking, "'When will I see him again?" or "should I call her tomorrow?" and other thoughts that keep us connected to this one among billions of fishies in the sociai sea. Of course, this shared lovefest obscures the fact that we don't really yet 'We are a bit like a know each other well. In the moment, who cares, right? rocket that is launched with sufficient acceleration to make it to the edge of
\r
18
6I
B ofiJopun ssauosolc 'osJnoo J0 'JOUuud Jno^ pu Jlos llrM ^llpJnlEU -;no,{ uae,mloq ;aa1no,{ ssouosolc J0 lo^01 or.ll anJosqo'IaoM lxou oLll iong 'L
'aprnord o1 peuFlsap su,u lr ,4lunces puu ,{teJBs
oUt Fu!plno;d tou s! olqqnq e;dnoc lno,{ noA llat tplll suFrs eqt {}ltuapl llrnr no,{ 'Jolou olqnoJl olqqnq u do;enep 1|1nn no,{ 'aslcJoxa srlll ul
;o a8pe oqt ot tI
e
elll
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'
3. Make a list of the specific signs you identify. Share these with your parl ner. Discuss how you can recreate your bubble, and strengthen it t0
prevent further stressful incidents. Remember: the bubble protects yOu
fundamental, im;
ther of you shoulj Acting in an amtr', and partly out tri ri created. If this is :l into an auditionin;
bubble you har-e
s.-
is not codependen;
ign.',:-,
to keep each other safe ond secure. Together, you and your partner can create and maintain your bubble. You agree do things for one another that no other
person would be willing to do, at least not without getting paid. In
fact-and
this is important, so listen up-anyone who offers with no strings attached to do what partners must do for each other most definitely u.,ants something from you (e.g., sex, money, commitment). If you're in a committed relationship and someone else seems willing to fill in for your partner, watch outl As the saying
goes, there's no such thing as a free lunch.
4.
in
So, the couple bubble is something you work on together. But also keep mind that you are responsible for your end of the deal. You keep it up
in the principle, not merely because your partner is or isn't wiiling to do the same. It works only when both partners operate on a
principled level and not on the level of "You go first." Here are some supporting principles to guide you:
A.
in coni:
20
TZ
:a-^
" ::!_
..:::-
rautred rnoL pue nod;a.Leuaqm 'aldruexa JoC 'uortoalord pue lroddns Jo sueew .4.reruud ;no[ sr ]I 'se1trlrqerauln,t rnoL algs pue 'raqtouu euo uo {a: 'd1eq roJ reqlo qJEe IsB sLe,lo.le uec reutred rnoL pue noL r1clq,r,r. ur aceld eJEs E sapr^ord l1 'elqqnq aldnoo rnoL esn ot uEId 'v
.PerrJ eq
e uo ajerado s;eur:pl rl- J ,: ;o st :auued lno.i tinp::- '. ;: dn I daal nol 'leF aut j, :' rng 'reqiaSot u- :.:,
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eq plnoqs rautred [u Les uec 1 'eldruexe roC ^fi8urprocce se,tlas -ruaql trodruof, pue seldrcuud eqt uo eer8e qroq 'alqqnq eldnoc e urroJ
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qJBe roJ ro q8norql a,u1 sreur-red ruapuaQapo3'LcuepuedapoJ
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dJPrlr '-
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literally hold hands or si.t next to one another in their presence. \Ue'll further discuss how to protect your couple bubble in chapter 7. In the meantime, remember that splitting up to deal with difficult people or
tf;*",:x
Shenice continues, " interested?"
your folks."
22
pu euole 'eruoq rreqt eplstno pue ur etEeJr ueuo ,{er1t seuecs aqr pue srad
-urat ra88ut-rreri rreqt qtl^d rErImrBJ ere eldnoc srqt Jo Lprue; pue spuauC
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'ueaur
1
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V D
O^IIV e^ol eqt dee;tr UEO no1 ^aoH :urBrg Surnoal?urrrBA aql
Z UlIdVHf
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il,alN 'ef,ueserd
lagl
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in conscious
an-arer
other-whlch could be a shift in the eyes, a pause in speech, a roll of the eyes, or a strong exhale-love turns quickly to war. Their faces fill with blood; eyes widen; voices increase in volume; vocal pitch changes; limbs stiffen; and lips begin to smack, signaling dry
mouth. They no longer appear as lovers or even friends, but as predators or enemies. Gone is the playful banter, gone are mentions of goodwill and friendliness, gone is the freshness of their conversation. Instead, their talk returns to old subjects, unanswered questions about the relationship, and
familiar accusations and counter-accusations. Why does all this happen? Darius and Shenice, like the rest of us, have brains that specialize in
threat perception and threat response. Unfortunately, our biological heritage
doesn't automatically guarantee a couple bubble for all. But
if
vou
it
does provide
mechanisms to deal with threats to our survival. This isn't to say the whole brain is involved in warlike behavior; in fact, only part of the brain engages in
threat perception and response. Other parts help us be our most loving, kind, and friendly selves. And, yes, help us create a couple bubble.
"r
what it can teach us about preventing, minimizing, and recovering from the warring situations that arise in the best and worst of relationships.
that keep
us from
gettinr
ir.
(lJ
han;
Jitlir.
24
SZ
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p r
pue drtaururts arour a^eq ot spuat urerq eluej eqt PunoJ (9661) ueelcery Ind tsuuercsoJneu aqt 'rena,ro1-1 'selErual oP UBI{] qulq tE sller ulBrq eroru a^eq soleru .^dou{ e.^d. 'QASy) uosrapunC ue8rnf suH Pu 3raque11e4 eruag
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eprno;d saop tr rng lle rr! r' a8erueq lerrSolorq :no' i1er,-'-: ur ezrleneds leql surErq a-l.E-j
'stqt le pooE
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pue 'drqsuorteler eqt lnoJ.E : >llBl Jreql'pBatsul'uonpsl:.,.ij pue llr,npoo8 ;o suouuaru :: ro srolepard se lnq 'spuarr: :e
[;p
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'ureJq eql Jo lred sselproa,r pue deep eqr
uI aleJrns
-BsreluoJ
laqr
11e
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TABLE
2.1 \:
within. The primitives operate without your permission. They are first in the chain of command with respect to survival reflexes, and function to trump all your other needs and wants. They are agents of war (fighting and running
away) and defeat (surrendering and playing dead).
Pituitary and
adrenal glands Dorsal motor vagal
Fortunately for us, we also have a more evolved, social part of our brain. In contrast to our warring brain, this functions as our loving brain. We can legitimately say it has been wired for love. I like to think of this part of the
complex (dumb
vagus)
brain as the "ambassadors." Unlike the primitives, the ambassadors interact with other brains in a refined, civilized manner. You can think of your ambas. sadors as your diplomats within. In reality, some of our primitives function as
ambassadors at times, and some of our ambassadors have primitive functions,
as well. But for our purposes in understanding couple behavior, it is useful to oversimplify a bit and view them as opposing camps. Let's look more closely'
In
r-rur
THT PRIMITIVES
Our primitives are naturally geared to wage war. Whether it's a little battle or a big battle, they're ready to defend us, whatever it takes. They allow us to sense, feel, and react, and tend to be the first receivers of information,
both inside and outside the body. This makes them fast at identifying dangers
and threats, and expedient when dealing with those dangers and threats. In fact, our primitives have all the advantages millions of years of evolution can afford, such as integration, efficiency, and speed. They were the first to arrive
-{n
ani ;.
on the scene and will likely be the last ones standing at the end (death). So, how exactly do the primitives operate (table 2.1X And more importantly, how can you identify them in action in your relationship?
ried out by one of our n.:, shaped structures in the environment for signs of da:
other words, they indiscrirr.:-
26
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tBeJqt eqt raqtaq^d ez^leu ol dots daqr op rou t8eteus BJo qcnu e^Bq t,uop .{aq1 'pug [eq] uoneuroJur re^eter{^\ qer8 dleleurtur.rrsrpur Leqt 'sprom reqlo
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STAGE 2: READY
TI
will conduct
The amygdalae largely run the show between a couple when they feel threatened by one another's facial expressions, vocal inflection, sharp movements, or harmful words. Instead of two whole brains at war, it is a case of dueling amygdalae-sort of like Wild West gunfighters honing in on that twitch before reaching for their pistols. Like Darius and Shenice, partners are
on constant lookout for threatening signs and signals. Specifically, the
When the amygdaiae h, chain of command jumps io is the main primitive resFc: action; it directs the pirrrlusary for action. These glanJs
righl
ments, and postures. The lefpside amygdala picks up on dangerous words and
phrases.
Consider Franklin and Leia. After dating for more than a year, Leia is
frustrated by Franklin's hesitancy to ask for her hand in marriage. She is all but ready to move on and date others. While driving to dinner one evening a
week after Vaientine's Day, they get into a fight.
After
denly shuts off the stereo. "Can we talk?" she asks, looking ahead.
Franklin's body stiffens as he utters, "Sure." His amygdalae have picked up the tone in her voice and the events that just occurred: the silence, the
turning off of music, the question "Can we talk?" His amygdalae have grabbed onto all this in a manner not available to Franklin's full awareness, and his
body prepares for something vaguely warlike. Moments before, Leia had been contentedly listening to a song with the words "Goin' to the chapel...." The image captured her amygdalae, and she suddenly felt disturbed for no apparent reason. Her attention drifted to the previous week, when she had expected a Valentine's Day proposal. Almost
before she knew what was happening, the question escaped her lips. She froze
unlikely to flee). Both their tive juices. Their pupils ji1 blood flow. Energy and alel
for war.
with fear, anticipating Franklin's reaction to her bringing up the dreaded subject...again. Now, even though she avoids looking at him, her amygdalae have
registered the slightest may know
response,
STAGE
3:ALL-OUT
"Sure." Her body remembers, recognizes, and anticipates war. Although she
28
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Surqcretu
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down-or
of the primitives.
"Don't
say
I was ignonn
Often the relatively slow ambassadors are beaten to the scene by the fastmoving, chaos-producing primitives. So, for the couple, it's all-out war, and there will be no clarity until the fog has cleared. Then they'll have a chance
to gather the dead and count their losses.
Couples at war have certain tell-tale behavioral signs. Some partners get
tionate I was."
"When did I
say
thari"
very excited, while others become slow, sleepy, or even collapse. Whichever posture they take, partners at war say and do things that are decidedly unfriendly. Each time they fight, they tend to recycle the same complaints, the same examples, the same theories, and the same solutions' Of course, their battles can expand, as well-to include other people ("Even so-and.so
self-centered"); other moments in history ("You did the same thing when we first went out"); and other topics ("When you do that, it drives me
says you're
nuts, too"). Couples often spend inordinate amounts of time debating facts and struggling to reconstruct and sequence stressful relationship events, leaving them no time or resources to sort out the real reason for their conflict. In chapter 9, we will look at how you can escape from old patterns of fighting. For now, let's return to where we left Franklin and Leia, and see what all-out war looks like for them.
Leia takes a deep breath and launches into the dreaded topic: "Remember
THE AFTERMATI_]
Fighting can be ver\- s: their relationship mav b,e. I both partners for a rvhile.
Valentine's Day, when you got upset with me about bringing up marriage?"
Franklin sharply. "You're mixing that up with the scene at my mom's, days before. I said I was tired of everyone pressuring me about a
"\Vhat?"
says
art
proposal."
"No, I'm talking about Valentine's," Leia counters. "I asked you to give me some idea if you're ever going to..." "Here we go again," Franklin groans. "'Why do you always distort everything? I said I love you and want to marry you. I said I'11 ask you. And I crill...
Oh, just forget
The day after their ari. clear the air. Her ambassa Franklin doesn't phone or si
work and lounges around
,,r'l
itl"
"Don't tell me to forget itl" shouts Leia. "You didn't say anything of the kind. You just told me to shut up. And I'm not distorting anythingl You
ignored me that whole night."
ir :.
"\7atch outl" yells Leia, bracing herself against the dashboard. "You're
going to
kill usl"
subtle in its response to thre wounded, rhe dumb \ agu: ; pressure and signaling the
30
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,,
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drawn, do you become queasy or light-headed? If so, that's your dumb vagus
protecting you from bleeding out. Of course, you aren't in any danger, but that overreaction is why the dumb vagus is called dumb. It also comes in handy we are about to be eaten by a lion and can't fight or run away.
if
detectors and the hl your own names. \tii lae Fred and Ging,er
In addition to physical injury, the dumb vagus can be triggered by emotional injury and threat. It likewise responds by shutting down. Blood leaves
our face, our muscles lose their tone, our ears ring, and our stomach hurts. !7e slump, drop, collapse, and sometimes even faint. Gone is our sense of humor,
our perspective, and our life energy. $7e descend into a valley of darkness, where it seems no one, not even we ourselves, can hurt us. This is what happens to Franklin following a fight with Leia. High on his body's natural opiates, his depressed body and brain go into an energy-conserved state, and stay there until his ambassadors finally pull him out.
THT AMBASSJ
PRITTZTTTIVTS
When you become aware 0f the role of the primitives, you $ain valuable
insight intO y0ur relationship. You are actually putting heurobiology to practical
use.
oulJ '.r.:
Here is what I suggest you try the next time yOu and yOur partner find yOurselves discussing a hot issue and going a bit wild.
1.
Make sure yOu are sitting 0r standing across from each Other s0 you can
2. See if you recognize any 0f the stages I just described. For example, is
there evidence of a red alertP Are the troops amassing yet!)
they represent us in the u-..; calm fears and cool tempers valuable than primitive:. I next chapter), they can be
3. At some poini, you may want to reread the description 0f the stages
s0
you have a good sense of the specific signs for each stage. For example,
these may include flushing of the skin, narrowing of the eyes, dilating of
and
anger. To an extent, these signs are universal; however, l'm sure you will
4. Consult table 2.1 t0 identify which of the primitives you have caught
action.
in
32
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lcrd puu puaqe 0g 'tuuaFras llup orlt sB snuulErlt0d,{q oqt puu sJ0tc0top luaJql aql sE aulupF^ruB or.ll J0 lutLll 01 alll | 'Oldruuxo JOl 's0^tltrutJd Jn0^ auuu uc n0^ 'dn sFulr]l uolqFll 0l poau p l00J n0^ 1; 'sanrllLuild s,Jalll0 qcEa ln0qu JOUUUd JnO^ qltM 11u1 '(unnop p0l00c o^ell sFulLlt uoqM) Jalul .g
N
tl 'qunF
2,2
He referred to this
as F.ai:
Hippocampus
Handles short-term and long-term memory' controls anti.stress hormones, and tracks
this manner, physical pr.,rlimited at best, and romancr If Leia and Franklir, h=car, they might hare l-e.:deep breaths could
-,
halc .:-'
,':- :.=:
attachment and emPathY Right brain Nonverbal and intuitive; specializes in social and emotional processing (e.g., empathy) and
body awareness
priately modulate
hi.
Left brain
Verbal and logical; specializes in processing detailed information and integrating complex sounds and word meanings
smart vagus and its anrl-,:., relax together, to soothe ..:.: to say to one another ttr lL::
examine this further in Ch:r
Orbitofrontal cortex
EXERCISE:
[4ost of the time, \,\e don t
!1
,,'
dors, 1ou gain a vride rarre, Next time yoll anij \our ment dnd pla\
their side.
It
so happens
namely, ot$ smarttagus (aka, uentralvagalcomplex). Like its relative, the smart
vagus slows us down. However, instead of overreacting and shutting us down' it enables us to hold our head above water and below the stratosphere, so to speak. Stephen Porges (1995) developed what he termed the pofuuagal theorl
34
't
{".toayl 1n8oa{iod ru: ::'-*::- : ol os 'ereqdsotEJls :,-- ,' ';,- : 'u,\\op sn SurrrrrLl; I j: : - .''-.
:,t.:- i
-- :
rua8rllrr;r
:-
;edsrqnn '7
'l
uo
sr
:no,{ uoq,n suaddeq tuqM oos 'slLjl rjlm ,{u1d puu luaur -Uedxe 'Fulttes poxulo.r B u! FulIlBt e;u reulrud ;n0,4 puu no,{ eurl txeN 'suortdo J0 oFuuJ oprm p ulF n0^ 'sJop
-usspquB rno,{ eFuFue puu uMop nno;s no,{ uollM tr.r8 'tolld cllpurotnu u0 unJ tsn[ 0,1 'Fultltue;q Jn0 ]0 otuJ or]l 0l uoltu0t1u ,{Bd t,uop a,l 'raulBd rn0 0l Ilpl
0M su
oletr
aaNnos no^
oc
:IISI]XIXI
^AoH
'g rardeq3 ur raqtJn; srqt eururexa
s8urueaui p--- r'. I
-,
teq.u uJeel
puB u.r\op
ill^\ el6'acead eq] dael pue sreJqr leuuelod ledstp or JeI{touE euo ot les o] [eq1 dleleur]tur puoq pue leqtoue auo eqtoos ot 'reqteSot xelar ot alqe aJE Lagl 'sen8ealloc ropESSBgrLrE str puE snfie,t lreurs
.^Aols
Jraqt Jo suonnqrnuoc eqt urou trJeuaq alqqnq eldnoc e 8ur.(o[ue sreu]Jed '>lreJt InJeJeod e uo IrBq sa^lesruetp teE ot alqe
uaeq a^Bq rq8rur daqr 'aurn1o,r pue euot lef,o^ Jeq ro srq ottslnporu dlaleud -ordde ot elge uaaq peq rerliro JI 'alcdc eqr peddors a^Eq plnol stpeerq daap
1t
u:=-'-
eruos oIBt ot Sursned '.puerl Jo ]no te8 ot patrets peq s8urgr pue perdnra peq tueurn8re Jrer{t Jl uaAA 're.\\ ot Suro8 plo^E ot elqe uooq a.teq rq8rru Leqt 'rer eqt uI eJe,u deqr a1iq,u srlteerg deap ,tre; e ualet perl urtIuBJC pue ero'I JI
SIJEJI pu 'Sauolul--j
'pe^rl uorls aq pino.t\ ef,uEuror puE 'tseq te patltuli eurt eg p1no.r,r. Surag uerunq reqloue tllp,r Llrurrxord pcrs.{qd 'rauueur srq] ur u^\op sellesJno urleJ ot drryqe aqr tnoqtllN 'sn8e,r. treurs rno salelnrurts
"3'a)
sr-uars,{s
:'-
'uorteleqxa
.tro1s e
Lpelncrtred 'qtearq
^\ols
q8norqr 'tuals,(s luauaBn8ua Jnrros xeldruof, rno Jo ued se srqt ot perra3or aH 'tueruour ar.[] speau agr ot Surproroe lJo pue uo gotr,us (treurs pue qunp) Jo ,lo,oq ureldxa o1 (.{ueru Surueeru [Jo{) uratsls 1e8e.t -rno Jo slcedse IBnp eq]
NOIIfV NI
SXO
they are, and also know who the other is. They possess a basic sense of orientation within themselves and within their relationship, and this underiies
was
their communications. They don't unnecessarily confuse one another. And if 'SUe confusion ever does arise, they are able to sort it out with relative ease. could say both that they're good at keeping things straight and that they know how to be straight with one another. This is accomplished by another ambassador, the hippocampus. Its shape resembles that of a seahorse (hippos is "horse" in Greek)' and its function is to track important stuf{ such as where we are, where we're going, what just hap'
pened, and what happened weeks and months ago. It helps us remember who
we are and what we're talking about.
REMAINING
A
ability to pick up our
EN
o\r-:
SrRyrNc Co
Led by the social cht on keeping us connected
bers. The ambassador ri'h
For our purposes, the hippocampus is significant because it is involved with placing relationship events in time, sequence, and context. Not only does it help us find physical locations (e.g., where to meet our partner for lunch), it also helps us encode and play back who did what, when and where, and with whom. The amygdalae are the prime culprits in disabling the hippocampus during times of war. For this reason, couples at war can be at risk for memory difficulties. Like Leia and Franklin, who argued over the events
The right brain car sense of things. It is spee A great deal of our huma from this ambassador. i:
reading facial expressicns
on Valentine's Day, they can get embroiled in continual struggles to recon. struct and sequence stressful relationship events, and neither partner can accurately recall who said what and when. Any attempts to establish agree. ment only intensify the battle. In extreme cases, this constant war can litep
ally cause our amygdalae to grow and our hippocampus to shrinkl
r',.
of distress and
resr
36
LI,
ot
lenos dn Suqcrd ]e rouedns sr ropessegrue slqJ 'ure.lq rt13u agr;o s8urryoar eqr 1lB er rlf,nol pue 'tcetuoc eda tcalp 'auot lecol Jo osn InJIITIS aql
'uorlJeJJe pu sseur]puau; leu8rs ot qf,not peceidlle.rrr B pesn sdeq;ed
iTurJr{s or si.r-.-: _' .JolII uJ J.t\ luBlsucl :.--: ::' -eer8e qsrtqetse ol sri--;:--: -uer reuued leqriau:-:- :-,: -uofeJ ol sa133n.rt; it: -.'-- ' -
llet
11nd
darll palsaSSns
e,r.eq
rq8rru raqro er{} Jo euo 'ece1d rsl; eqt ur rB,n re dn pepua e.req r,uplnolr Llge -qord deqr 'pe8e8ua d11n; ueaq suru;q rq31r s.uriluerC ro s(era.I reqtre pEH 'a8en8uel .(poq pue 'sauot 1eco,t 'suorssardxe lelce; Surpear Surpnlcur 'lercos s8urgt IIE uo uedxe eq] leJ [q .l ll 'ropBssequre srrl] u.ro.rJ
seuror tf,auuoc ot
slue^e JLII re"\o F.n:: . {SlJ 18 eq Uel lP.\\ lr :: - : -dtqetlt3ur1.1e.tp: ---: ' :
-
^tl1qe 'sde.,rr reqlo ur elrlf,runruuroc Lpue8ele led 'sselqcaeds sr r1 's8urqr Jo esues Surgc.re-ra,r.o pue Jno sarrJBJ urerq ig8u eq1 'sseulnlue 'uorleur8eurr 'umtqt13rL. rno didurs erour ro'urerq Jno
7o aml4uuay ry8u eqr sr alor srqt ur peel aqt se1et
oq.&\
'araq,lr pue uJr.l.\\'-:'-' : : ro; ;aulrud rnLr taa-J -- ;-:', Lluo rog 'txaruol :-:- .:'-:-:
-^rl e JoJ a.\]rl' .].u | ' -- ;':': PaleAOJsll SUIPi,l .:1.--:: a8e;e,te erlt uErp .',T:-:::::,
::
-
NI\rUg IHDIT
IHI-AIIf,ENNO]
DNIAYJS
'uopuol ot uaaq l?.':: r'-- -' -eullojul e.\JIlltl F'j: :: ' -' slt '.(.Jotuotu Llt :i \j : -.
: :.
:I
oqM Jequleual i 1- r; :
- --
pue 'tuse8.ro u e^Br{ ot 'uosled rer{loue ot r{cege ot l.t1lq lno JoJ elqysuodser sI tI 'teeq ]rer{ pu 's8urlae; tn8 'suor}esuas dpoq u^r.o Jno dn ltrd ot ^tIIIqE stgj-'Dlnrur egt ot ua.u8 eg tsmu pou lerceds y
eqt sn
se,r.r8 JopBSSBqruB
ol
-deq rsnl ]eg.t 'Eut,.: :-.:"r, :-: uollsun} sll FUE ' -ir::,^ 'sI
fl
: :
Jl
,{eqt teql pue tq-tt i-: rr - - alN'asBe a^rlBlsJ r1l1-\\ rnr ,. ,_ Puv 'roqlouB ouo asnir.l.-: '---., sarilapun srqt pue 'drqsu,ri-:':
or1,{\
notr,, 'pres e^Bq plnor uraqt Jo euo 'le]]eur ler{l roJ ,rg .Lrolsrg lue^eler eql raqle8ol pecard pue setou peredruoc a^q plnor l,agt ,8uo-r,lrr.;aqlo aql ezrord
ot Surd:t
1 'r1eaL
e, A tq8ru tln3Ujlp B s.r\ leqr ,lqftr oJ.nol, Jo gO,, 'p1". e^q plnoJ qtoq ro euo ,1uaurn8.re
Bra-I JI
sndwvfoddill lH
rui
TETrcING IT OUT-THE
LEFT BRAIN
cortex is our moral anJ e:.. nicate with ambassaJor. ,:.falls primarily to the orb::--: the orbitofrontal corter i:t.
Nonverbal connection can go a long way toward keeping love alive. But it alone is insufficient. For this reason, our right brain has a colleague: theleft hemisphere of our brain, or simply owleftbrain.Theleft brain understands the imporrance of detail and precision. Its ability to speak its mind is legendary. In fact, it has the gift ofgab and can be quite the little chatterbox' Had Leia's and Franklin's left brains remained engaged, either or both could have made creative and meaningful statements that, if not leading to
an immediate solution, might have given them a sense of possibility, newness, and reiief. Either couid have avoided war by saying things such as "I realize
winning argumenr, as l-. :: chill. It also allou's r.r: r r:= Neither Leia nor Fi:r-i:
simultaneously value Jr--*
was so wrapped up in sider the stresses
r:-
this makes you crazy but..." or "I know we can work this out..." or "I realize this is important to you, so what if we...?" Their words would have conveyed friendliness, consideration, and thoughtfulness, potentially offsetting the influence of their primitives and allowing them to talk things out to the point
of relief. You may have heard or read
ask what he was feelins. :: :be upset, for his o\\'n iea:,-:. views of the situation. Thisbasic inabrlin :- .::
frontal cortex. Leia's..r:.: :. due to threat, and rhc:r:-:ideas and feelings. Or r: : - medicai reasons. Or peri-::'
a partner's views and pe:::.e;
in the popuiar
berween righrbrain people and left-brain peopie. Usually this refers to a ten. dency to be either more nbnverbal and intuitive, or more verbal and logical.
In fact, some partners have a stronger right brain and weaker left brain' These partners tend to communicate and process threat with less emphasis on talk and more emphasis on feeling and expression. Other partners have a stronger left brain and a weaker right brain; their emphasis is more likely on logic, ideas, and talk, and less on feeling and emotional sensitivity. Of course, others are blessed
::.--.-
rher::
;'
srr-ar
left brains will act out oi rr:c: One solution to rhe prcb
slightest gesture to help one
38
6t
lnruotlotqto arp Jo uoItre.IIF :LJar{lo pue'ssau8ur.tol'ssaupu:-; raqlaSol Iro.{\ lsnul sloP
ssE
eql uoununs ot loquaurar ot SururBe'I 'rer{louE euo dleq ot erntseS tsa}q8lls eqt ue^a eIBur ot elqB aq ot q8noua u^\op paurlf, a^Eq lpun t1^\ ot sJeu ^eqt -ued roJ sr xatJor Ietuo$otlqJo eurlJJo ue Jo urelqord eqt or uonnlos auo
'ssaurlpueru Jo tno tJe IIll!\ sulBrq uel Pue tqSp rleql pue 'pa8e8ue uleurer III,td I8e.^ ueurs JIeqJ 'stueurotu IEcrtrJJ te rueyeqrod[q pue selep8drue rreq] ur urer III^\ daqr 'Lpado-rd aterado uec se3ruor letuo4otrgJo s(urlIuBJC pu s.ere'I;r 'ra.te^rtog 'a^rl a^ol lagl daal
ir,L::
XlIXO
:SIOHS SN]
'sad.r'n
alqe
aq tou 11.t,{eqr 'tu1od,ro.ara ro suJeruo) s,laulred .rreql etenardde pue 'puels 4epun 'ees oJ olqeun aJe-qloq
-qlo 'esrnoc ;O ',(lt.rtttsues I::: : ':r3o1 uo l,1e1r1 e:otu rl :I:r j j" la8uo:]s e eneq sleut:eJ rt - - IIet uo srseqdua ssel qll.\., r::.1 eseql 'uIEJq uel raIBa.\\ Ft:tr -:::
'1ecr3o1 pue leqre^ orolu ro + ,. -uer e ol slajal slql .t1lun- 1 .1:
Jeneu
ou eq plno,tt xetJoc letuogotlqJo rag 'url4uerg ueqt e^uf,al ssel se,r oq^a.reu 4red raqloue peq eqs I ue,re 'esEJ lBqr ul 'sa.utcedsrad pue s^\arl s,lautred e puetsrepun pue rJtr^a eznltedura ot rer{ roJ rlnlr.#lp r1 8ur1eu 'padola,rep {1n; tr 'lpooqpliqc Suunp secuarredxe ot enp 'sdeqred rO 'suoseJ lef,rperu rer{to ro esnqe Snrp ot enp paiqes}p ueeq e^Eq plnoc tr 16 's8urtee; pue seepl u.tro req puoLaq Surqrdue etercerdde ot elqEun eJoJeJer{t pue 'teJql ot enp
euIUJo $rerodurel ueeq e^Br{ pinor xatror letuo5otlgro s(Etal 'xetJof, IBtuoU -otrqJo padole,tap l,pood e o] turod Leu ezrqtedrua ol [lrtrqeur f,rseq srr{J 'uollBnlls eql Jo s.4aer^
uorlcurtsrp oqt tnoqE ssa:l ::':turod eqt o1 1no s8utqr IIEI .-'-aqr Suuresyo {leuuaiod 'ss:peLe,tuoc e^q plno'lr spro,\l l:l-
u,4do
osle tr{8nu er{ terlt tJeJ aqt ro; uouerce]dde nogs ol Jo 'Surleal s^{ aq lBr{^\
lI 'SuneeJ aq rqSnu
SZIIBaJ L, JO ."'lno Slrll lllLr.\'! ;: azrlEJr I,, sE Ll)ns s8urqr ;u: .'. ' -'sseu,r\eu '.{rlpqrssodyo osuai ::
or Surpeel
1pleqt:en8eelloc
E sEtl
urr.l
-uor ot dots t,uplp er{s tuqt salrsep pu speeu uzrl.o Jerl ur dn padder.,vr os se,r\ 'aldruexe :o; 'era1 ' \er^ Jo srurod rlroq qtl^d uo{Jer pue anlel L.1snoeuetlmurs ro 'seorls s.reqlo eqt otur dets ol elqe se1rl uu{ueq rou re1 JeqtraN dqredura IeeJ ot sn s,erolle osl rI 'lilr{J ot sa,utrtuud eqt selqeue teqt >lrqpee; Surprrrord Lq se 'luaurn8re Suruurrvr -etegep '1ect3o1 e Suuuasard [q rlcmu os ]ou srqt saop xelroJ IetuogotrqJo eql puv 'u^\op sa.r.rtrruud Jno >llet ot xeuoc Ietuo5otlqro aql ol {ueruud s11e; tr 're.u Surpuedrur Jo seurrt tV 'eirle sa,Lltnurrd pu sJopessequre qtr.{\ ate3iu
-nururoJ uec '{}uelrodrur lsoru pue 'Joluec onltedrua pue IEJoru Jno sr xeltoc lBluorJotrqro arll'srerlloJo spulru eqt pue purlu rno lnoge snorJnc eq ot elq
aJE e.n
lng
NI\i-Ug
II]'l:
sr
ro3 elqrsuodser sr xetJoc ltuouolrqro aqt 'urerq rno;o lred Lre,ra tsorule r1]r.tr petceuuoC 'lertuenuw pue ynpamod sE sr reqlo ou 'oF sropessqwe sV .xair"o)
TAnrr
2.3
S,rrrrpr-i
with an appeal to Leia's ambassadors. Most if not all of the recommendations in this book rest on the principle that you, as partners, need one another to keep love and avoid war. Initially, it can take time and some false starts. But eventually both of you must learn how to do this in a snap, without too much thought or talk. And that's easier' as we will see in the next chapter, if you have an owner's manual that includes instructions on what to do, and when, with your partner'
.r;
.,:
n:r
-,1
EXENCISE:
PRTITNTTIVES,
MITT
YOUR AITASRSSADORS
You can practice this exercise with your partner.
-,-.
r.
Allow your primitives and ambassadors to hold a dialo$ue. D0 this in the spirit of a parlor game, rather than as a means to solve a pressing relationship problem. The point is to become better acquainted with yOur primitives and ambassad0rs, to learn t0 rec0gnize their respeclive voices. 0f course, if important issues cOme up in the process, that's fine t00. Try any 0r all 0f the following combinations:
lartner: That':
the steak.
a l-un.:.=-
1.
ilir
r
and ambassadols.
rotr
4.
Srcoxn Gurn
The second principle
right brain. Then have your left brain interact with your partner's left brain. And then switch it up.
oi:h:
!..;
40
tv
Leurnol B ua{B] eleq o.u 'ratder{c srrlt
ul
'asDa 1p
ua\ft-b
'sJOpussPqLtru s JaL
'sentlturucl s..r;Lr
'sJ0pPSSPqrLlP
:
>.
'sDrd0l luEcl}ruFrs oJoru r.llrM osrcJoxa srLll AJI uuc n0^ 'sJopussuquu puu so^rlrrilrJd s,Jauilud JnO^ puB uMO JnO^ l0 soc!0^ 0Ll1 rlllM JBllulp,l 0J0ur 0r1l0c0q
'se,llrLitud
SODUOJOJJ|p
lpLjM
'0U,
.{Eets aql
qrnru os s(eraqt asnec, Surloorp lsnf ur,1 'ou rng 'Suuago roJ s>luegf :no1
'asle eraq.{auos oB plnoqs
e.r,r,
eqLeyq
SUOC\
ot tu^\ I Jl
spEIBS
aqt
jo auo
qryar oB ot a^q
s
rq8ru 1 eTll
lI
Sn
:notr
II]W
'S],\I
:i-.,
topD
SD
qtuv
\11
0'b s topD
qLuv
rnol
:no 'rersBr s,lErll
'raut:ei
uo tnd lspelEs lrorlt Jo euo qlr^\ Suorzrr s,tBrilN 2rugr les I p]cl :JeutJed
2tarp.{ru 1eerq ot eur tue.^d nod.uolq
2Lssn; os aq
:l
ltuql6
Puv'IlEl'Io rq::
^lpN
'l,11etrru1
lldWVS
'Z
IfTIVI
'tll00J
lpuer{ Jo tfB uE
q:n: .. : -
'eru
Fu1n11
dleul
puerslepun
eq1 ur 0rntcrd u FulFupq 'Ilem B JoJ Fop oqt Fullul '19'7 elQul) luurnptsoJ Osn
J0 sald[rEx]
u8rs e qtrar pal a^eq plnor ur r; ro; 'ueql 'd1ag ue: srllp:rl r
be able to do this i
sometimes mav be a nonthreatening u'ai-:
possible, do this as c
Learning to rcr
ple, can you recognize it for what it is? I m not suggesting you will automatically know how to instantly turn it off. First simply recognize that your amygdalae are sounding an alarm. This alarm may take the form of your heart racing, palms sweating, face burning, or muscles tightening, or you may notice yourself suddenly becoming weak,
slouched, nauseous, faint, numb, or shut down. In later chapters, I will discuss more specific techniques you and your partner can use when
Of course, identifying your primitives can be accomplished only by none other than...your ambassadors; specifically, your hippocampus. By definition, if you are able to notice your primitives in action,
they can't have gained the upper hand. If they have, it's too late; better luck next time. And you can be assured that there most likely will be
a next time.
2.
It's always helpful to recognize what works well, in addition to what does not. For this reason, I also recommend identifying your ambassadors. Notice when they step up
your
relationship; give them credit where credit is due. And invite them to
step forward whenever their warmth, wisdom, and calm are needed.
If your primitives are allowed to have their way-as sometimes happens-there will be no lollygagging around when danger's afoot. Life will be fiiled with one crisis after another, as you continually fire blind without thinking of the consequences, But when relationships are at stake, you want to avoid pulling the trigger. So cail on your
ambassadors to slow things down.
3. Identify your partner's primitives and ambassadors
in action. At times, especially if your partner's primitives are large and in charge, you may
,,
lV
;noA uo llel
oS 'ra8Errr
:'js-.r
sdrqsuouelar uoq,\\
lng
jr:
jr '-i
lBrl^a
'loo;e s,:a8uep urLl \\ pun.^, : seurrleuios se-.(e.t rlQ-. : .1'PePaeu eJe uilEf puP, 'rLa:!..1 ol ureLl] elr^ur puv 'anp i: -t:: :noA ;o l:oddns ur ercli :'--sEqruB rno,{ Sur.rlrtuepl F r)'.-'. ol uoIlIPP uI 'lie.\\ :)-:,- "
aq IIp\ d1e>|1 rsou eror| rEu- : lJlleq :JlBl ool c.ll '0.\Er.l \i -' . :l
j-
:.-
ur ::.".i
IIII( I
'sJetdErlc rotBl
'Jauud lno^,r\ou{
d11eer ot sueeur tI tq \ te ,!eso1c eJotu {ool 11,a.r 'retdeqJ txau eql uI'elqqnq aldnoc Jo lue1PeJ8ur luelrodun euo sr SurpuelsrePun sIIIJ 'Jal{tou auo pue}sJepun rauaq ot qcrq,^a r{tr.^d Ioot qtoq nol, sa.r,r8
sJllsnur :o '8uru;nq orel :u:-', aqt e>lBt Leru urele srql 'ru:E-: azru8ocar dldrurs tsrrj 'J-Io li u: Iil^\ no^ 8unsa88ns tou ru,l :.1
-urexe ro; !o SuroB sr tlelE r'.1 JI ees 'atEredo daqr ,rorl puE : ur ulegt ploq ot si-;
^d.oN'If,aqtr
sJopessegure pue se^rlnuud s,.reulred tnol azruSocer o] Surureel 'lueplsu] Inlc aqt ot uBf, noL se erurt ur esolt sE sn{} op 'elgrssod JI 'paJrtou a.req noL ter{^\..r{ou>I reqto qcea 1a1 o1 sLe.tr Surueteerqtuou
pulg
reutred rnoL
are
Knorn
How I
Rr
It
al'
ri
may experience
ambassadors.
differen
:1
.:
,-
m)'.tiiil
in your relationship.
'dtqsuotleler rnod ur
lj aruoJrelo ol op uBJ noL letl.tr pue 'rncco uec uorteJlJllsdru srql dq.r.l aroldxe am 'ratdeqc srqt uI 'drqsuorleler aqr rnoq8nol{l (,,uo e;,nol, teueld lq^\. aou>I r,uop rsnl 1,,) acuerouS] Jo srurlJ urluruur pue (,,nod perrrur eABrI releu p,I 'slqt a{II eJe.&\ nol .laan1 1 ;1,,) ecue.rou8r rurelc ueuo sJau]JBd [ddequn
'lalel snorcsuof, B uo lou sr ]l ueuo lnq 'a1Lls s,reuued rno ezru8oca; leru
'Suneiar;o ellts ululrac E PJe.t{ot PetualJo elqel eql
er16
pue
reutred .rnod pue noL 'surerq rnoL ur eJuerren aqt ol enp 'lce; u1 'rse; ,lpnba senrlrtuud rrar{} ur ureJ uBJ 'eldruexe ro; 'sropesseqtue s,auortra.Le log 'uosred
ot uosrad urou sJeljlp sdruec Jopessequre pue olltlrulrd eql ueeanleq pue urqtr^a .re,nod;o ecuBIBq aq1 'drqsuortEleJ e ur ,{e.r eluEs er{l sPuodseJ euo -Lra.r,e tou tng 'tuatxe euros ol suortsenb asar{t Ja^asue sn sdlaq sJopessequle
pu selrtrurud rno qluA peturenbce Suruocag 'Z reldeqr ur
.^des
a^\ sV
'{Jrt reqto qrea se{ru ter{.{\ r,uop deqr 'sdua,r.{ueru os ul 'reqto qcee ^d,ou>I 1\\oul tpop leqr 1aa; g]ts sreurred eqr pue sreaL [utg] ua,Le 'dtuaart 'uearyr;
::;ilT";;: ::";
pue plB^\ot e^our
a,4A
ffi:;J,'"T"
-iffiffffLi'l:",
,"
"^ "r"
" ^"o..1,,{
AA
Y L
in chap-
ter 2, our social wiring is set at an early age. Despite our intelligence and exposure to new ideas, this wiring remains virtually unchanged as we age. For
instance, I commoniy hear new parents say, "I will never do what my parents did to me," and yet despite their most ardent wishes not to repeat their par'
ents' mistakes, in periods of distress they do exactly that. I don't say this
with
judgment; it's just a matter of human nature and biology. Most partners audition for relationships fully unaware of who they are and how they are wired to relate in a committed couple universe. As in ail
auditions, they endeavor to put themselves forward in the best light. It wouldn't make sense for someone on the first date to say, "I spent a lot of time alone as a kid and I still do. I don't like my alone time to be intruded upon.
come to you when I'm ready. And don't bother coming to me, because then I'll think you're demanding something of me, and I dont like that." An
I'11
equally quick way to send a date running for the hills would be to say, "I tend to be clingy, and to get angry when I feel abandoned. I hate silences and being ignored. I never seem to get enough from people, yet I don't take compliments
b:.
well because I dont believe people are being sincere, so I tend to reject anything nice." During the initial phase of a relationship, partners may give clues about their basic predilections with regard to physical proximity, emotional intimacy, and concerns regarding safety and security. But it is only when the relationship becomes permanent in either or both partners' mind that these
predilections really come to life.
H:'
Much of what we do, we do automatically and without thinking. This is largely the work of our primitives, In relationships, one of the things partners
typically are unaware of is how they physically move toward and away from
each other. Our brain's reaction to physical proximity and duration of proxim-
th:i
ity is wired from early childhood, and influences such things as where we choose to stand or sit in relation to one another, how we adjust distance
between us, how we embrace, how we make love, and just about everything we do that involves physical movement and static physical space. Because we operate largely on automatic pilot, we remain oblivious to this entire dimension of
tionship styles. I offer these sr:-, Firsr, ifyou find )ou .r:.
yourself.
pe
46
LV
qcrrl,u (sel^ls tueleJJ]p Jo puelq e oq uEf, eldood 'treJ uI 'seop euoLre^a tou 'selLts eerqt aser{t Jo raqtoue lo euo qrp,r lgpuapr op aldoed Jo l;uoferu ]se,r eql q8noillly ',(re,t,{etu uorteurro;ur sqt uro{ ,,te8 no,( e8ea.11ur,, eqt '[]r1eer ut turol arnd nagt ur sa1L1s aqt patueserd a^Eq I 'tl e3roj ot.{,n t,uop Jlasrnod ro reutred rnoL slg tseg alLrs qJrq,r eprcap t,uec nod pur; nol, JI 'lsJIC 'steelerJo aldnoc e qtr,^(r nod ot se1^hs esoqt reJJo 1 'saldrs dlqsuorl
ecuetsrp tsnlpe e^\ moq 'reqtc e,^d. eJaq./[ se s8urql qJns se]u -rurxord;o uorternp pue Ltrrulr,
uory
si
Le,me
.r
.11e; -EIeJ uleru eerqt sraurred tsour teql pe^Jesqo e,teq 1 'sreaL aql Jo euo otur JoAO 'stuaurgceue tuJoJ stueJur noq Surureldxe 'o8e ,{rnluac B JIBrl tsoruie uoldels pue iilag 'qlro.usury) sen8eelloc raq pue qlromsury dre14
(1161
pue (696I) dql.uog uqof dq.relndod epetu ]srrJ 's8urpur; qrreesar tuo{ u.&\Brp ere .(aq1 'umo .&u .!a;rlue rou .ueu rer{treu eJB aroq tuesard 1 seldrs eqa
'a.r,rlroddns Llarecurs eq o] pue Eur,r.r8ro; aq ot rarsee tr se{Bru ,,ale nod.oqm,uoul L,
eseqt teqt purru .sJauued rpoc eqt ueq,r Lluo sr tl tng 'trtr.rnr;
lurll
IEuoltorua'dtrturxord lecrs.iqd
senlc a.r.r8 dew s,raul;ed 'drqsuc
ol PUE reqle8ol 1ro,{\ ol Jalsee qonur sr lt 'se1.(ls s(rel{lo qcBe pulsrepun Pu ezru8ocel uec nod;1 'el&s dlrlsuouelal pue suorlcepperd s,reu1;ed rno.{ 1ege1 ,lereturrp pue 'aqucsep 'eugep o1 nod smol1e tI turl] sr IBnuBu srqt Jo uoncunJ tuelrodutr uy 'dtqsuorleler rrerlt roJ pu rer{toue auo roJ lnueur s.Jeu.{\o ue Sur,teq tuo$ trJauaq uec s.rauued terlt sr Tooq srq];o esrtuerd Le>1 y
uv
({'lEtll
elll
sV 'snue1 uro$ ro
tepot
os
1,, 'des
ot alei
Sutop;o sLe.tr .,rreu utroJ ol enurluor deqr pue 'ser.ln1ual roJ uorlrpuoc uerunq aqr Sutur;ep ueaq e^Eq eidoed 'tce; u1 'ecuauedxe pue uorteurJoyur ered
-uroJ pue '1los 'ezrue8Jo 'elnleu 'leql surJq e^Brl e.t\ esneJeg sn punoJe s8urql pue aldoad eqt lgrsseic ot^g puat e.u tel 'paglsselc oq o] se{rt euo oNI
p:
qtr,r\ slql Aes l.uop J 'trll \lt rr -red laql leede; ol tou sallsr.r! sluared lru leq.r,r op re,\eu IIr,r\ rog 'e8e e,r,r, se pe8ueqfun -\llEr
noL oq,la..rou{ uale oq,, ot srautred peel uer pue ,8ursn;uoc dra,L 'rapuom 1 Lllecrleuerp;o sdo.rp qcnor Leqr
0q uec
deqr rer;e
rlf,not seldnoc
sureuar.tErit Surrelo: Jo
des oq,r. eldoad eL[]
a1
',:r
ol enl
l;tl
.,
Suunp
^ltuetsuoJ lueur ;og 'dnlsuor]EleJ sesetld erour ur ueql dn{slrnoc peplturuoc 'eldurexe Jo ,raaoelotrl .suortreJatur -rno lecrsdqd a]pueq e,u
^ltue.roJJlp'{tlur}xord
In particular, their orbitofroni tions that provide feedback t. Compared with insecure ch:i moral judgment, greater con:r
ment of frustration. In general and arrows of social-emori.,r^,
take them as character defects. Definitely don't turn them into ammunition
and against your partner. Rather, see these styles as representing the natural necessary adaptations each of us makes as we develop into adulthood'
A secure relationship is cl
ity, and sensitivity. Good
teel
':'
ol ui
pr
iri.
skin time with their child; be mote curious about and interested in their child,s mind; be more focused, attentive, and attuned to their child's needs;
and generally be more motivated to quickly correct errors or injuries, because they want to restore the goodness of the relationship. In these ways, they create a secure environment for the child.
caregiver's mental
The dynamics of this early relationship leave their mark at a physiological ievel. Neuroscientists have observed that children who receive lots of positive attention from adults tend to develop more neural networks than do children
deprived of sociai interaction with adult brains. The primitives and ambas' sadors of secure children tend to be well integrated, and so these children generally are able to handle their emotions and impulses. Their amygdalae aren'r overcharged and their hypothalamus conducts normal operations and feedback communication with the pituitary and adrenal glands, the other cogs
immaturity, and the like can happens to us, then as adult, insecurity. That can lead us r.
instead viewing ourselves more like a wave.
as
ExERc
rs
OF YO
following happened when \oLt
stress wheel,
appropriate. Their dumb vagus and smart vagus are well balanced' Because of good relationships early in life, secure children tend to have a well-developed right brain and insula, so they are adept at reading faces, voices, emotions, and body sensations, and at getting the overall gist of things.
48
6V
;ur:.;
.'.+
I ^lluontlerl
spM
'PeluBIEq II0.r\
;o {uu ll }lasrno,{ IS lrlfirru noA 'pooqplrqc u,uo ;no,{ tnoqu iapuom no,{ sy
crooH(nrH:) uno/\ ro
IOHSdYNS Y
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arrlolaq
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esBc qcnl.4a
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uEf, tI rO '[rrueurnq Jo ueoco eq] ur puelsr uE se sallesJno Sur,trer,r pelsul 'lcetuoc l{3nru oot pro^ pue sellesJno or dee4 ol sn peel UEJ }Br{I 'L]rrncesur
laqr
Surdpepun uB qtr.^d sdrqsuorteler ol eurof, e^\ stlnpe s uaqt 'sn ot suadderl uel alll eqt pu 'd]Irnteuurr
stql;1 drunces Jo
rr::-
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Jo euo aqleyq
:spaeu s,plHr rreql ot p.ur.r-:Jroqt ur Pelsarelur Fu rn,_,qE -ol-urls PUE OrJ-ol-3lEl ai_,-.or{arr sluared oP uEtll 5391r i3." uo onlel rlSlq e 1nd oq.u s-l:::
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uny lredxe uBf, eA\ e:et1,m ereld B s,tl ieq o1 sreld leer8 e s.tl ,!1crnb ere s8uqee; peq due esnJeq aleuluopard s8urlae; poog .dtr,Lursues pue ,,(1r .par{toos
l.';:..:I
{qlxeg 'uorlcerelur
'suorlnlrs
pue IJntBu oqt Suuursolj.r : uolllunulule olur ulerlt uli'.r .... lou op eses]d 'slrBJl uErurr.u -
rerreq tqredrue eJour a^Eq ot puer ,(aqt (ueJplFIJ arnrasur qrrm paredtuo3
lErcos ur re]]eg rEJ op puB sseJts luorloule-lBrJos Jo s.4d.oJJE pu s8urts aql ot ]uerlrsal arour er ueJplrrlc eJnJes 'leraua8 uI .uorterlsnUJo luoru ,lueur8pnf -a8eueur luelsrsuoo oJour pue 'saslndrur Je^o loJluo3 releer8 letow
'serrrtrull:d Jreqt puE sropBssEgurB reqto rrer{t ot epraord tBgt suorl {Jqpee} ,relncrlred u1 -JeuuoJ IEJneu qlrzn 'padola,tep ]la^\ sr xatJoc lBluouolrqlo Jleql
JoJ
ulNruvd
rno
^^oN)
longer neededP Was I expected t0 meet the needs of my caregivers more than my own needs!)
TABLE : THRE
Style Anchor
Stre
Secr
\7i11
Gen,
Ada
Island
inde
a problemll
Take Prod
(r _r Lo*'
Wave
Genr Focu
Before we go further, I want to clarify that this snapshot of your child. hood is not about whether or not you were loved by your parents. I don't want to give the impression I'm talking about lotre. !7hat I'm describing has less to
do with love and more ro do with safety and security and the underlying tudes we bring to a relationshiP.
Hrpr
Able
atti
sr
3.1.
Mary and Pierce have been children, both now out ofrh, time dealing with their as:r
offspring. When Pierce's n.r disease, the couple found . Both have rewarding but Cer
50
IS
sE qrnur sB pu l8al aql ur sreerec Surpueruep tng Surpre,r,ret e^Eq qtog 'suortdo snorren eql r{tr,^d SuttS8nrls sa^lesuaqt puno; aldnoc egl 'aseasip s(relureqzlv qlr,Lr pesou8rp se.u Jaqloru pe.{\oPm s(eJreld uel{lN '8uuds;;o
(piarJ
qtog 'ueJPIIqc aroru pueds eJJard pu Lrey1 's.&p eserlJ 'eruoq eqt Jo tno ^\ou 'sreed -ro; reqreBor uaeq a^q ecrer4 pue .{tery
Lagl
a.r.IJ
Llua.q
NVHr
u:IIIEI fg NY)
rHI
nn
DN
anssr
.'irr:nl
ot
\l ;i
pue a^rlJnpoJd
a>1e1
stlr
PUEISI
iluapLrorlap pir
erncss
ror{f,uv 3I&S
J0
iUr
LraLlt
Their conversations during the process of arriving at the decision to find like this. "I want you to tell me exactly how you feel," Mary says, looking intently at Pierce so as not to miss any subtle communication written on his face.
a medical facility for Pierce's mother went something
'And bring her here for where Mary left off She wipei and kisses it. 'Actually, I thir
care of in a good environmen
"Of course, you know I always do," says Pierce. "Honestly, since we had that long talk the other night, I have to say I'm feeling a degree of relief."
"You mean since we discussed moving your mom out of her home?"
"I know you wi11," says iv up, we'Il deal with it. As we a "Yup. You know," pierce a
to talk with you about all this
"Right." He pauses, looking deeply into Mary's eyes, not hiding the pain still hovering beneath his relief. "I think it's taken
staying here might not be the best life for her." "You know,
a
with me when I first said what I thought would be best," Mary says quickly. "I wasn't sure we were on the same page. My parents are stili healthy, so this isn't the same experience
was worried you might be upset
WI CeN Do Ir
Mary and Pierce are
exar
for me."
Pierce smiles. "Yes, I admit I was pretty upset at first. But I thought about
it. I knew you were trying to figure out what would be best for all of us-you,
me, and my mother."
"Exactly," says Mary. "If it were my mom, I'd want the same from you. This isn't about getting my way. It's about us, together. If you strongly believe we should find a way to bring your mom here, at least for a while, I'11 work
r.r.ell
with you on that. I might disagree. But I certainly won't fight you."
"Thanks,"
ger
says Pierce.
kind of uptight."
"Honey, I had a pretty good sense of what was happening for you," Mary gently, then pauses and continues with a twinkle in her eye. "You know,
Pierce smiles back. "You sure do, and I'm so
says
responsive, and sensitive to ti efforts to communicate. Both l hugged, kissed, and rocked as their parents'eyes that thel kn Neither Mary nor pierce t-e
Mary gives a little chuckle. "You know I wouldn't have you any other way. Besides, the manual you have on me isn't exactly the abridged version."
Pierce pauses and sighs deeply. "\7hen
I thlnk
about
it
rationally, it's
obvious that it wouldn't work to bring mom here." "Honey, if we put our heads together; we can find ways to make the best of the situation. For example, getting your mom a place that's close by. And
phone and e.mail, greeting each or apart, they are unafraid to f:r about any negative consequenc
what she thought wouid be te. feelings and treat one another ,
52
ts
sSuIIeeJ
pq pue saeu PooS erBqs ol ecJnos lsllJ ol{l sB reqlouE euo lEeJl Pue s{Joqto qree tJedsoJ Leql 'ruour s(arreld toJ tsaq eq PIno^\ lg8noqr eqs leq.{\
puv
uo
u.\\oul eperu lrery ueq.{\ esBJ arl] sB,{\ se 'sacuanbesuor aaile8eu ,{ue lnoqe ureluor tnoqti.r spurur s.JeqlouB euo aregs d11n; ol PiEUun ere Leql 'llede lo
raqtaSol
'.raeqc poo8
[q lce]uoc tuenber; a>1eur daqr 'uoseet eulos roJ lrede aq ol e^Eq ,(agr uaq16 te,tre re; oot Furloru ro asolr oot Surtta8 lnoq snolxue slaeJ JOqlIau PUV 'rarl Jeqlo eql slaal erJeld rou L;e14 laqlleN
Jo
sr
sB,^A
^\au{
BJo lreq
',r\ou>l
uana-pe13 n.,.
'Pllll E s Pe{ror Pu 'Pessl1 'pe88nq ur uea13 8ut,r.o1 e Sutees 11ecar ^eqJ 'plaq Sureq;o serrorueul e^Eq elJeld pue lreyrq q]og'eleclunuruloc ol sllo;Jo
pue 'tro;uroc JoJ sPIq 'sseJlsJP ;o sleu8ts rlaql ol e^Illsues pue 'e.ttsuodsar JIeqI 'uoltceretul PuB dtrlsuotlelel uo enp.t q8tq
'peunl1e aram stuered
or1,r,r
e peceld
ol pJtrets I
ueLl,lr
roqtouB euo ot l]trnces sltlt Jal;o ot elqe ere ef,rald pue Lre61 's'loqcue sy 'eJnJasur eroru Suttuooeq
,,'rroL iqBrl
sB 'JnJJo
'esrnor JO 'se^lesurotlt srorlf,ue Suruoceq otul srol{lue'uou 11nd uer sloqsu :luElJodurr sr lI esnBJeq ute8e srgl des eu lal 'Jol[JuB uB Jo eJoul Suttuoceq
p,l
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'no[-sn;o
uV
rri:
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uo
ulHrsDOJ JI OC NV) rM
'slql I]E lnoqe noL qli.t\ ,('uleet poo8 e e>leul alN
plES lsJU
uoLlM
leql
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IFI
ol
no1 'dntr,, elqe Sureq etercerdde os '8ng e req Surlt8'sPP ecratd ,,'^\ouI 1,, '11 rltl^\ IEep 11,e.tr 'dn ,,2qeeL 'op sdemle o,4d. sV seruor JeloteqlX '3ur11er deal i1,em puy,, 'dre14 s,{.es ,,'11pt nod.troul 1,,
..leuloq Jeq Jo lno tuL.rlu i: -. ..Jarial Jo aer8ep e 3ur1a:: per{ e^\ ecurs '[1]sauoHl, err:: uelllJ,\\ utrllEll'
'aCEJ SIq Uo
t,,r;T,il;il:::j;:i:J:il;::
[re4
areq,tr
r.re1i
-.
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rIIl
6ur i-^ -l
dn Sur4crd 's,{es aq ,,'uf, e.tr s ua}o sB slEeul ro; erarl req Sutrg puy,, 'dn Suueet saLe srq pue pEeq srg Surppou orreld saas atls esnecaq sdots
L;ep1 ,,"'elqrssod se qf,nru sE rotl lIsI^ qtoq uer a.!\ os selnPeqcs rno Sut8ueue
ways, they build a murual appreciation for their couple bubble and regard themselves as stewards of their mutual sense of safety and security. Each has made the effort to learn how the other works and to compile what amounts
"l
to a manual with all this knowledge, and they make use of it on a daily, if not
moment-to-moment, basis.
This couple truly view themselves to be in each other's care, and understand thar the iifeline they maintain, their tether to each other, is what gives
them the energy and courage needed to face the daily stresses and challenges of the real world. Because rheir relationship is secure, they are able to con-
as
chaotic outer world. Anchors aren't perfect peopie, but they are generally happy people' They are given to feelings of gratefulness for the things and people in their lives. People tend to be drawn to anchors because of their strength of character,
love of people, and complexity. They adapt easily to the needs of the moment. They can make decisions and bear the consequences.
l(
Anchors take good care of themselves and their relationships. They expect committed partnerships to be mutually satisfying, supportive, and respectful, and will not bother with unsafe or nonreciprocal relationships'
They do not give up on a relationship if the going gets rough, or when they become frusrrated. They are unafraid to admit errors and are quick to mend injuries or misunderstandings as they arise. They handle moments of togetherness with the same ease as they handle separation from their partner' In
these ways, they are good at coping with relationship challenges that might overwhelm non- anchors.
their marriage not to have chrl ship with plenty of travel and ar
ried because she felt her career to another person. But then sb
rh,
nights when he wished to sra\' could write and watch teler-isio: room was wired with high-spee
sides
54
ss
uroor
olsrrrllur uB J0 olPl-pLrP-.1,;
J0ulJud Jn0^
S!Ll]
.rOJ
-peq retseut Jraql 'paqrnrsrp Suraq tnoqtr,4d. uorsrlelot q3te.\\ pue atIJ^\ plnor
ol
uit,l i
paq ilerus B
qtur 'ruoor
lP
I00l
[eqr
zuoHfNY NY
rq8ru reqr se8uelluqr il;. j -: u1 ':eul:ed llJtl.l tucu u . .-.-, -'
-qfeSof ;o slueurotu a]Fu':tJ ".:'-'
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ur dpee peprlep 'seruo;,!rea
pue BusrqC
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t >lool s(tal
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a
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ru,l uorlM puP JOUilud ,{Lu Lllr,u ru,l uoLlM paxloJ ,{;Junbe Lu,;,, A
,,'oril ullM ourJ sr uortc0}lB puB tcptuOs lucts^Lld J0 sl0l,, ,,'ollFp4 t,uoJE sdlrlsuOllulOr 0s0lc ^1
,,'oru 0A0l
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salrE lq,t\ sr 'reqto r1rr. - -: -' -repun pue 'elec s,laura ,-r:: -
3^01
lou Jl '^llBP
1,,
uo lI -]o a!:L
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1,,
^louu^
,,'u0lllpuoc p00F ul uaql
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pre8a: pue rlqqnq e1J : rseql lle ul jJlJl +pr - -Sutputt-u 'rtlqnd ut Fu:-
onlu^
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1,, A
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ulNrdYd nno/\
^^oN)
in
sex
started to wane. Carlos was accustomed to taking turns initiating Chiana stopped making moves and started rejecting his advances. The intense eye contact they had so often enjoyed during courtship was replaced
sex, but
by television
shows, movies, and conversations from across the room. Although Carlos was the first to complain of loneliness, his behavior was not entirely dissimilar from hers. Arguments about their lack of intimacy began to go like this: "I still love you," Chiana explains, after they've come home from work and Carios has rnade an advance she's rejected. "It's just we're so busy. Plus
you know how I feel about staying in shape."
Carlos's face turns red. "So you're blaming me for not having sex? It's my
Deflared, Carlos again r u much of this am I supposed to Chiana siams a file onto l
you want me to be successful.
I CAN DO IT N4
Now, before you jump t,, not doing anyrhing outside ..i
fault because I haven't been working outl Is that what you're saying?" "Don't put words in my mouth. I'm saying we're both busy."
"No, I distinctly heard you say you're not into sex because I'm out of shape. That's ridiculousl I'm in great shape, and you know it. If I told you something like that, you'd never talk to me again." "Look," Chiana says impatiently, "let's talk later. I've got a deadline and can't deal with this right now." She picks up her laptop and heads briskly for
her office down the hall.
if we wanr to call it that, is rh;style is. And perhaps more rn-.: stand it, either. Both of them
...
L-e.r
Later that evening, Carios puts finishing touches on the dinner he's cooked. He cails for Chiana, but there's no response. So he approaches her
office and opens the door. Chiana, her back turned, barks, "Not nowl" Knowing she hates to be disturbed, Carlos stays in the doorway. "Don't you want the dinner I made for us?" There's a long silence, during which Carlos grows increasingly irritated.
i.r-.
fo move toward and ar.l ar' l;. rhe kind of response she an, r-. vous system. These part.rr.. :'
merely following suit non-. Chiana's anger at her hu.:
"Chianal" he
any closer.
says sharply,
In
"'What do you want?" she screams, turning and slapping her hands hard on her legs. "I told you, not nowl" She pivots back to her computer.
Carlos sighs deeply. "So, when can I expect you?"
"I'11 be
r
,.
Chiana was an only chii: her parents were workrng pr, :over their daughter. Chiar-ra
;.
\With that, Carlos leaves. But he's back twenty minutes later. Chiana, still working fervently, senses his presence. "That wasn't fifteen
minutes," she snaps.
..
56
LS
Aeqt '11e raUV 'raq ro; peler pue pe^ol se^arleq '(18uons eqs og^\ 'stuared rag SurLe;leq sr eqs sleej egS 'frelxue uerrl] sesnec s]ueurour 8ur.to1 llerer ol Lrrlqeur ra11 'rq8ru t tno pel1r ro perro
eqs uar{^\
t(uBJ erls lng 'raq ot pnole pear saurteuros stuared reg 'dlee;-dq3no1 {1en -edsa tou tnq turl]rrq sB reqtour raq soqrrJsep ueqC 'letr.[8nep Jraq] lalo grte^n ot ,(uueu e pedoldue daqr pue 'sleuorssa;ord 8ur>pom ere.t stuared ;eq
,setn.
(.lno.\
ll
'relndruoc req ot
ItE
rltog Lg auru;o leep poo8 e tuads orl^A plrqo ,(1uo ue s.{\ EuBrrlC Jlesreq 'solrBO glur drqsuonelar req roJ sueaul sltlt tetl.{\ pue 'puelst u aureceq ot rerl pe] Lrolsrq drqsuoueler s.EuerrlC te >lool s.ta-I ..lerues ^\oq aqt op uortrsod ,{ul ur ,(poq,{ue t{uplnol6,, 's.(es pue sEnrqs aqs 'esua;ap u1 'pegrrsn! {1n; 'pupu raq ur 'sr uorsnrtur s(pueqsnq raq te re8ue s(euBIqC
'A\ou trns 3urmo11o; Llereru
eABi{ surelted
4au rer{ otur tllnq sI sreqto ruor; Sunla8 seledtcrlue atls asuodser Jo putl eql
tnoqe pue 's;egto leu8rs ol ,r\oq tnoge 'srarlto ruor; Le,tte pue pre^{ot alour ol tnoqe Surpuelsrepun .ra11 'dnaleru lecrslgd req ur siseq e e^q suol]Jeer ^\oq
pue suortr s.euerqC teqt azrleal ot peou e.n 'tsoutero; pue tsrr1 'solJeC sr t.r\ oqt dq'os puy'acuar.radxa u,^d.o Jer{ urog tsaq s^\ou{ aqs teq^\ Europ s,aqs
trertuoc aqt alrnf 'e8errletu Jerl urnr ot SurIJt Llesodrnd tou sr EUeIqC
pue eurlpeep
ui-a
'uEIqC le [po Alesolc ]ool ol Suro8 er,a.tr 'a1es s,l,trorldurrs roJ lng 'spuelsr eJE ruoqt Jo qtog 'rerltra 'lr puets solle] 'ef,uetsur srql ur.{puelrodrur e;our sdeqred puy 'sr alLrs -rapun tiusaop drqsuoueler req ter[.{\ pue]srapun tpsaop eqs teqt sr'ler{t tr ot tuB.{\ e^\Jl IIBJ 'puelsr 'arnteu tou
uB sr egs req Jo eprstno 8urr1l.(ue Surop 'ruelqord ureur laH s,aqs :lq8rerls Surqtauos ta8 s,tal 'euelqC aBpnl or dunf noL aro;aq '.tto51
r::
-
,,;FurLes e;,noi teq-ri t: ,{tu s,:1 ,xas Surneq tou lor :r'J -
I]ESAW
II
OC NVf
'rurq purqaq roop eqt Sururtuels 'se,tee1 eH ({ieJaq Jo tno ui.I 'reuulP u.r,ro rnod eIBt\ laurc,, 'stuelar solr3 l]Jo-erBts JerJq E reuv
,,1eru Sur8etoqes
sn14 dsnq os er(a.{\ tsnl s,r1.. i:: IJO,{ UIOIJ euroq eruor e-\,,\ar_-_ :sIqt alll oE or u-:.
des no1,, 'sruBelcs pue 'punoJe surnl '1sap req otuo oirJ E sruBIS BuEn{C 'sleDnur aq ((le>lBt ot pesoddns I ule srqt Jo rlrnw ,tro11,, 'Sursrl sr uorlelrJJr srq tng 'aleel ol
lou se,^d. Jor^Bi{eg srq 'sseull}u,_-'ulooJ eIIl ssorcB urorl su.-:-l paceidar se,lr, drtlsunol Eur:r,: er{J 'srruE^pe slLI 3uu:>.:.r lnq 'xJs Suttetltur Su;nl Eurr.'
xes
[1uieo
sLes
sope3 ,,'.{]ua.ll
ll
'lJeJJof, eJ(no1,
t.
itl
In fact, there is nothing wrong with Chiana's memory. She can recall, for example, feeling hurt as a reenager by her father's disapproval. She has a vivid
memory of being afraid her mother was angry at her as they were leaving a toy store. These events did happen, and they were pivotal determinants of her
significant others,
as
well
as
ir
current relationship style. Her lack of positive memories simply reflects the dearth of positive events in her early home life.
nutshell, we can say that the sum total of her experiences-the posi' tive and the negative; those she can recall and those she cannot-shaped Chiana into an island. Because her mo,ther rarely sought physical contact,
In
Chiana learned it was better not to look to others for affection. Instead, she focused on taking care of herself. As a single adult, she had no difficulty inter'
acting with other adults. People saw her as smart and creative, and she developed a wide circle of friends who shared her interests.
a partner. Especiaily if their their need for distance mav re simply through their high to1 example, when Carlos is au'a relief at the absence of interp loss or of being left. If toleratir
else.
tr
When Chiana married Carlos, however, he became the home she experi' enced in childhood. She does not expect frequent interactions with him, including sexual intimacy. Although she enjoys his company, she finds it hard to shift out of her alone time. His bids for attention often feei jarring, as if he were trying to make her do something against her will. She tends to resist until he has coaxed her to come closer and engage with him. Once this shift
is made, she adjusts and enjoys being with him. However, when left alone for even a few minutes, she again becomes absorbed in her private world. As an island, Chiana believes her alone time is a choice and a preference. She is unaware it's a consequence of her need to depend and connect having been met with unresponsiveness, dismissiveness, and insensitivity when she was an infant. People who are islands often confuse independence and auton-
tendency can become extreme \Without the help of their they are, recognize their deep-,
come their anxiety abour inr' what they've experienced. In social world, they need to be
who will make the efforr ro nr it's impossibie for two island.
omy with their adaptation to neglect. As we saw in chapter 1, in order to achieve true autonomy, it is necessary to first experience being loved by and taken care ofby another person. I want to reiterate: there is nothing inherently wrong with being an island. Merely conjuring up the image of lounging on a lush tropical island is
enough for many people to feel a rush of endorphins'
rhe
ExTRcISE:
Do you rec0gnize yOutself anc
In the context of
couple's relationship, however, difficulties can arise if one or both partners are
addicted to alone time, especially if they don't know it. Instead of seeking the
58
6S
JsutJpd Jn0^ J0 ll0sJn0^ J0I .t0Lllt0-n0^ J0J 'pur?lsr uu lleq u FurJ ,{uu yr eeg 1o ;ucld,{1 aJu terll sluouloluts outos oJ? oJaH
dJPj Snql u0rssncsrp Jn0 uOJJ raul.rud rno,{ ro/pue 1;es;no,{ azluFoce; no,{ o6
^\ouI
ol
JepJo
ur '1 reldeqc ur
A\ES
des ot t,usr srqJ 'llit uieqt selru terl.,lr tno purJ ot troJJe eqt e>lru ilr^\ oq.^A sreutred paeu [eq1 'Surpuetsrapun q]L{\ taur eq ot peeu leql 'ppoan lercos ot repJo uI 'pacuar,redxe an,[eq]
erour E otul
teqarr
Suraeq tceuuoJ pue puedap or 'ecuara;erd B puB e3roq3 e sl ari-i 'plro. a ote^rJd raq ur pa
Lluo .uou>1 Latp '11e rer;y 'drqsuonelal etEuruur tnoqe dtarxue rreqt euoi) -;ea.o Llaterurtln ro 'ssaurleuol IBrtuetsrxa palees-daap lerlt ezruSocar 'ere Laql
oq.&\
puetsrapun or Lle4tun oJe spue]sr ';autled naql Jo dlaq eql tnorllll6 'reutred rerlto eqt ro; Surtertsnr; Lletuerlxa autoceg uer dcuepual
ueq^d 'lena,ro1-1 r
sIqJ'uo os pue {(lseJJ or14y,, ,,'Jel}Bru l(useop lL, ,,'JoqrueureJ l(uop L, apnlcul s]lBtep tnoqe pa>lse uoq^\ suruljler uouuroC 'scr;rceds dn 11ee ot alqeun ere
pue rsed rrerlt ezruourep ro aztleepr uago spuelsr 'loe;;o lutod u1 'ssellurod aq p1no.u d;orsrq Surqseqer leql uouecrldurr eqt qtl^\ (((tsed eqt s(teql, sr EJluur
r;lqs srtlt of,uo'Lulq qttm aEr.=: ot sPuet eqs 'lll.r r0rl rsr
aqJr sB '8urue[ Iee] ueryo uonu: prBr{ tl spurJ eqs 'dueduoc sn1 s.
'ullq
qlL4A
suollfralur luan-c.'.
rreril 'pooqpllt[c ur esoqr Surpnlcur 'sdrqsuoueler tsed ro s]f,rl;uoJ drqsuon -e1er tuesard re 3ur1oo1 plo^B pue arntnJ eqt pre.^Aot >lool ot puet spuisl
'esle
-uadxa aqs euloq eql eurElaq a 1e^ep aqs pue 'e.r.rtea;c puE
'slselat j tl:
4atu]
aql-secueuedxa rtlj jo
:
ogt stf,egal dldruls
serrouroLu : Jaq Jo sluEululloleP 1elo,\Id a:
dpoq.fue ueql :e8uo1 qlnur qteerq rraqr ploq p]nof, spuelsr 'ret^uepun qtealg s,auo Surploq ol elgeredruof, era,u ouole ount Surrerelol 71 'r;a1 Suraq;o lo sso1 Jo sseueJe.\\ reL[ ueq] ralear8 sr sserls leuosrad.ratul Jo ef,uesqe eqt ]B Jerlal roH 'ssol e laal t(useop EuBrrlJ 'sseursnq uo [e.,ne sr solrO ueqm 'aldruexe roC 'raqtoue ouo urorJ lrede Suieq roJ ef,uerelot q8rq laqr q8nonp Lldrurs ratsesrp trnor uer spuBISr o^r1'Jo]sESrp ur tlnseJ deru aruetsrp roJ peeu rroql Leu spue]sr 'puelsr rorlloue lou sr rauued -lreql ;r dlelcedsE .reutred e reey Lq suorsn.rtur pe.r.recred ot elrtrsues,!ra.ro eq uBc spuelsr tqs 1aa; Leur sroqcue seeJermN 'lereue8 ur suorlenlrs Iercos ur sE IIaA\ se ,s.raqlo lue:r;ruFrs
Jo
seAE.AA
[o]
raqt Jo eouasa;d oqt ur tBanlt Jo osues raq8q rreql ot anp $ sn{I 'sroqrue Jo sele,t\ op uer.[] sserls leuosJedrelui eJoru aJuerrodxe ol pual spuEISI 'erurt auo]e Sulrnp pateraue8 etets e)il]rueerp aql dq pernrsqo er ssau
-lauol Jo s8uqaag
'11
Pl^l^ B sBq aqs 'lezrorddesrp s.:: ro; '11ecer ur ar{S 'dlotueru s.e
-oqd [1pre;.(ddeq seq eqs ']ias
Jo sseueso]i)
ulNruvd )rno^
^^oN)
ry ry ry I
W
that
"]
"I.
hc-.
w
W
"l
spend time with you at nighr. me. And you never say anvth
THE WAVE:
..IF
ONLYYOU LOVED ME
sa
LTrr t
LOVE YOU.,,
s I'
Now let's meet another couple. Married for seventeen years, Jaden and Kaylee had two small children and lived in a modest two'bedroom house in the suburbs. Kaylee was a stay-at-home mom, and Jaden worked a nine'to'five job'
'When they finally sought therapy for their problems, Kaylee complained
that Jaden was often angry about everything: "He's angry with me, he's angry with the kids, he's angry with his boss . . . it's like nothing we do is enough, and I'm getting sick and tired of having to deal with his temper tantrums." Jaden thought Kaylee was not acknowledging his reasons for feeling
angry and upset. Unable to sit quietly and listen to her even for a few moments at a time, he expressed himself with grunts and groans and facial expressions
aln'ars
i.
.
ii
"I look forward to seeing you all day, but I don't think you even miss me at all. I call or text message, and you don't respond. It's like I'm bugging you or something. Do you know how many wives would give their right arm for a
60
19
roJ urJE lq8u leql e.u8 plno-t noL BuiSSnq tu,I o{ll s,t1 'puods: our ssrur ue,ra nod l.uop ] lurrl] :sll.1] JIll ob
,,;noL l,uare nod;r'aru a.r.ee1 nod luop dq4, 'atu perueul no,{ L-rros er,notr lerll 2de,tr IaaJ al(notr ..r\ou{ L,
Le.,rr
s.{e.tr1e
suorssardxe slueurour
IEToEJ
pue sueor8 p
ua^e raq ot
LI
A\eJ e JoJ
nq
SurEp:1
Surqrou
all
s,e11..
lrw a:r^of
.(ia1es sseupoo8 ro; 'aru qlJA\ xas aAEq o] luEA,\ uele l(uop nod 'ees s(la'I " ",{epqrlq dru ,ro; atu le8 ol lerl,4d, .,rdou>I l,uop noL,, 'sre8ug srq uo Surtunoc suels er{ ,,'Leg s,laqteC JequtolueJ t(uop no lelrtertrur eql e{l re^a plnoc noL lurqr nod oq 2rr ueld ot e^Bg 1 t;esre,Lruu rno oIII 'uorserlo letceds B s.erer{t arurt [rerla ]Eqt ^\ou>l noL oq ',(nF peq aqt tou ru I 'poots -Japunsllu 'sueneaq egr Surce; serta srq rllr^\ 'peorl srq e^oqe surJe d11eer L, lae; srq Surssot pue utq tuor; ur tno s8a1 srq Suurrorql dq spuodser uepe[ Jo ,,'dlleuosrad t| elel pus snorrnJ auof,aq noL 'noL ot uonuen ot sllJ sdog egr;o Joqtla JI leur tsnf ^ed tou s.tl puy'no,( reeu aq ot tu.r\ lou our saleru tI 'uepef tl1eeg ']l ueur t(uop nod rg 'des 1 s8urqr arru aqt requreureJ 1 Les pue are; lru ur {ceq tueq] ^\ollt rpop tsnl no1,, 's.{ES pue r{]erg daap e selet 'pateredsexe 3ur1oo1 'ae1.&;1 (('eru ol ecru Sutqllue Les la,l,au nol, puy 'aru nol e{}l 'dsnq sLe.ule er,noL '1gBru le noL q]r.l arurl puads
ot ISB ro oqt Suunp nod 11ec I uarllN 'plocJo elsoddo eqt tu(I 'iI peltltupe ^ep a.r,nol, pue 'p1oc aq UBJ no1 3lasrnod rnoqe 3ur11et eq tsnur no1 'uosrad ueatu
er1 ,,'ueeru
1,,
(.'uJnlal ur uBeru Surqlatuos des nod 'ecru Sunlleruos des 1;1 'aur re gaL
lsnl noL pue 'noL o] ouroc I ueUO,, 'stdnue]ur ae1[e;q ,,'enJ] lou s(lerlJD
t1
,,'pun0"lP !t
,,'eru Surlou8r lsnf eJ(no^ e1n slee; pue 'ryo,vr ruor; petsneqxa ru,1 '[e;res]p uI esnoq eq] pue IoJtuof, Jo 1no spl{
l3r.ll
0u
,,'uM0p tillPc 0l
lli(
'
.'dpns ru,1
eqt ees ueq.^d d;8ue la8 op 'atnurur E JoUB stnupe aq ,,'tq8u er.no; I L, 'li tnoq ot rutq Suncadxe sB rulq tE slool aa1[e;1 {uqt JI .. ... Iurqt t,uop 1,, 'sq8nel e11 ,,2Lpns tu.I luqt no1 'tpop I L,
arntsa8
,qcmu os eru ,,2dpns pue JJo pesstd os euroq eurof, noL op ,(r1,tr ssru nol;1 puy 'no[ ssrur o] ecuerlt e ta8 t,uop L, 'sselenlr s,aq slseS8ns leqt ur pouepr,4n seLa 'spuodsar aalLey (.ieurrl eqt IIB etu IIc noL lng,,
B
'arEJ srq uo 1ool paxeld;ad B qtr.t\ sLes uapef {.ltceuuoc ot stue.,!\ dilea; oq.la. '^Bp eqt Suunp ueq} sessru oq^\ pueqsnq
:l
ulNrdvd uno1\
^^oN)
I CAN'T DO IT WITH
ON WITHOUT YOU.
feels ripped
ofl
both then .
Now, before you get angry at Jaden, remember he's not really doing anything wrong. As with Chiana, his reaction to his partner is quite reasonable when you consider that it's based on his experience not just with her, but with
:,
.;
his earliest caregivers. In fact, both Chiana's and Jaden's insecurity preceded their current relationships. In other words, they both came to the table this
way, even if they don't realize it. Jaden responds as he does because he is a wave. Ocean waves don't provide any sense ofsteadiness or security. They cause a perpetual disturbance of
cn.:
the water-always going up and down, up and down. From the vantage point of the shore, waves come rushing in, only to immediately rush back out again. It's as if they can't make up their mind where they belong. In the case of part' ners, it's the wave who causes disturbance in the relationship by becoming preoccupied with fear, anger, and ambivalence about being close. They can't fully move forward because they are still caught up with past injuries and injustices. These thoughts and emotions ebb and flow like literal waves. If both members of the couple are waves, there can be even more tur-
-.
moil-a
both partners alternate between being close and being standoffish. So, if you are a wave, or in a relationship with one, prepare for a certain amount of high drama. Unlike islands, who are likely to do a disappearing act when the going gets tough, waves respond by, well . . . continual tug of war,
as
truly does n..i -l:-.. reunites with Kai'Lce ,::ti: :much as it bothers her. "l reaily miss her .n: '.
ine us cuddljng anJ h .r -:'.and something comes i-',::
:-'
making waves.
Jaden's ambivalence stems from the fact that he both wants to connect
and is afraid of connecting. He alternates between feeling wanted and rejected. He thinks it's only a matter of time before Kaylee will reject him, so
he holds back from feeling good, hopeful, relieved, and comforted. As Jaden puts it, "Better to reject before being rejected, better to leave before being
don't know wh1. Sh.'i ., believe her. And r-er I il .,.' , me to fix the leakr rau.:- . about what she': rcalh . . ..
. .
I really am a pain in ri
Whereas Chran.
ashamed if she
. ,,. :.r -,
.
left." He comes in close to his partneE hoping for connection, then quickly pulls back, anticipating disappointment. This moving in, then pulling back is
the sign of a wave. The fact that Kayiee is an island-did you notice?-and therefore naturally pulls away in times of stress only serves to accentuate
Jaden's tendencies.
realr:s-:-
Unlike Chiana, Jaden remembers his childhood very well and remains '\fhile Chiana idealizes her past angry at his parents, as if time has stood still.
and is unaware of having been on the receiving end of any injustice, Jaden is
62
t9
esnefoq
e^our l(uorA eH 'slcruuoJ lualJnc qlrl!\ perdnJroeJd surBruer
PJB,^AJOJ
allqA
pue tsBd eqt uo Sursnco; {cnts sr aloJaJeqt pue 'p.ru.uro; >lool oi sesn;ar uapef 'stcruuol tuerlnf, qrrm Surteep splo^ pue {ceq Tool ot sesnJer euen{C '1ceq seqsnd eqs ]rtun JarI uo
saqsnd aH 'Att.r.rle8au pue ra8ue srq g8norgi rautred srq ur uortreeJ
terll
sate
pue-iecrlou
sr
-eJJ eL[ ]eql 8uorls os sr uorledrcltue srql 'paqsrund ro 'peuopueqe 'peddorp Buraq seledrcrtuE pue 'euo.(ue roJ qJnru ool sl ag se^arleq ari 're.remo11 'puedap ot peeu srrlJo are^Ae sr uepef'sr eqs [peau,&\or{ pazrlar eqsJ] patueqse
uapef
,(11:rnb uoql 'uonf,auuol lol 6r Sureq eroyaq e^eel ot rauaq 'ir sy 'pe]JoJluoc pue 'pa-\ai os 'unq 1calar
IeeJ plno.&\ pue euoeuros uo puedap ot paeu rell seluep BuBrqO seererlrN 'srBet Surtp; sede 's,(es aq ,,'ssB atlt ut uted e rue L11ea.r 1 qlr^a aut spuiJ aqg 'Surtae; L1pe; s,ags ]Brl^\ tnoqE
puy '8urlouue
lim
eelAe;1 a:o1a;.
perrro,^d. ru.I tnq 'raq llnsur ot puetur I e{lJ tou s.tl ('terneJ ,(1ee1 eqr xrJ ot olu peau nod asnec, pe13 tsnl er,notr, 'a111 Surgteuros [es 11,1 ra.( puy ']oq a^erleq
''
ol
'rl::
II,I pue ,'eurog er,noL pel8 ru,L 'a{ll Surqtetuos ,(es 11,eqg ',{q,r ,nou1 luop 'aul re^o sautoo Sutqteulos pue 1 lng Surumorp ur.I e{l1 'Lr8ue dltuelsur IOaJ I 'atuog etuoo I ueqt tng 'reqleSol Surue,Le teer8 e 8ur.r.eq pue Surlppnc sn aur
-8erur
1,,
oIIIU-
's,{es eg ,,'uBdB
asoyc Suraq
sB
urrq sesnJuoJ uortJer srg 'trede uaeq a.t,.{eqt ra}B eei^B) r{tr^\ setruner
aq re^euaq,&\ ra8ue qtr.tr streol aq .(q.tr puers:epun tou seop ,!nrr uapef 'stuered srrl pue auoq tuoU Le.,ue rurq {ool tqt sra,Lodeels peterl aH 'sseltslp le er8 rurq Sursnec 'rellrstrqeq e qtr^\ urrq Uel saurteuros stua -red stpl 'pa.rou8r ro r;a1 Sureg se.tr .lasuelur tsour Sur4tsrp s,ragruaurer uapef
-Jnl eJoru ue^e eq UBJ eleqt 's 'saAE.,!\ IBrelII a{ll 1\o! Fu: pue saunlur lsed qtrm dn rqii., luec Laql 'aso1o Surag tnoq? : Suruoceq Lq drqsuorrelol a'.lt -r.red;o JsBJ aqt u1 '3uo14.1 r.:'ure8e tno >lleq qsnr {aterpa-.u-.:
lerllN 'rlrrq ot rirnur se perldurr stue:ed qiog 'dn srqt epEru er{Jl sE tou s(tl (('sse etlt ut ured e,, Sureq se.r\ eq tloJ uol;o aq qrnru os llet ol pe^ol eg '8ur1ppnc eruu Surpueds pe{l1 eH 'stuared srg Lllercedsa pue 'setue8 8uile1d
'3ur>11e1
s.{em1e
ag 'tq8ru
egr q8norqr req qtr^\ Lets ol uepef pe4se pue parrf, req]our srq 'letoq E tB
srr.ll JlqBl eql
palers pue esnoq arlt Uel raqte; srq ueq,{\ 'aoug 'stueled srq uee,rlaq srqBr; ol pol qlrrl.a\ 'algepe.reun sen Lltuenbe5 JaqteJ s,uapef 'speau srq qtr.r\ 1eep ot eJll u^\o Jaq qlrm pardnccoard oot pue 'sreel
sq
alqeuosBer atrnb sr rautred srq -due Surop d11ear rou s{eLI -req'!u:
'ueq1 'rurq qtr^\ petertsn$ se,r arls serun aql uo snooJ ot spuet eq tng .urq pe{Jor pue 'p1eq 'pessr>1 ue}o oq^\ 'reqtoru srq uro4 d1:elncued (uoureJJe
Jo .{rueld pelreoer eg 'euerq3
paddu qea;
,laurerdns
'no^ rnoHriM
urNruvd uno1\
^^oN)
? ? ? ? ? ?
"l
often feel as
thoLrr
anything back."
to
he and Kaylee have a misperception about relationships. They have not created a couple bubble, and they don't have an agreement to put their relation-
partner tends
to
Kaylee overcame her island tendencies and cheerfully made herself available to Jaden during the day, understanding that contact with him served her, as well, Jaden's need to check and recheck her availability ship first.
would subside. If Jaden cheerfully respected Kaylee's need to get off the phone quickly, her anxiety about feeling "trapped" or "set up" would diminish. This
If
"Love relationships ar
You can never
realll
mutual sensitivity would ease Jaden's perception that their time apart was a precursor to abandonment, and alleviate Kaylee's perception that she must
constantly babysit Jaden so he feels secure.
To bring healing to their relationship, Kaylee would have to experiment with something counterintuitive. Instead of pulling away, she would have to
move physically and emotionally forward and douse Jaden with messages such as "I'm so glad to see you" or "l missed you so much" or "Come here' you
A&tgesSADoRS (
assume, from what youlve reaJ
grouch, and give your girl a big kiss." Of course, this is easier said than done, and most partners like Kaylee would balk at such a suggestion. Nonetheless,
tion. However,
as
I menrir,nc-'
ass
if your partner is a wave, this is the best way to overcome childhood injuries and shift him or her quickly from feeling threatened to feeiing loved. When
this happens, you benefit,
as
well.
Jaden also must do something different. He must come back to Kaylee as soon as he realizes he's been negative or hostile, and apologize.
In these ways, they can repair the breach in their relationship and stop
pushing each other away.
rhe other hand, often grar: During times of distress, islan. have an ineffectual orbitotrc: recall, is the ruler of ambass:.
son, islands and waves are nia:
64
s9
,,']los,'iul
10
:JOUUPTl
QJOH
de\P\\
'EIII
EqI
ST
.11CCET
III^\ no^ 'xet.rof, letuo.rJotrgJo eql 'xellor leluogotlglo lentJelJeut uB e^q qtoq :uoruruoc ur Surgt auo e^Eq seAB.&\ pue spuelsr 'ssartsrp;o sarurl Suunq
'senuedsrp ropESSEqurB snorres erour qtr^d eldder8 uego 'pueq reqto eql uo 'selB.r\ pue spuEISI ',!4crnb iDerd seuo pre.Lrde,tr er{t Ierror uE3 lBr{t srop
-Essequre rerllo ssessod srorlJue oB sropBSSBqurE rrer{t auros }Eqt uors 'pll.n Jo -Blco ore-r eqt uo 'sloPBssequlB er{l e^eq ot sJoqruv tsottl PelulEq Puat 'suorldacxe
zlnYAvn
dols pue drqsuonela; Jror{r u:
'aa8o1ode pue
se aa1[e11 o] TrEq aulor rsnr.u
'r :
ou 'sn;o IIB
ur-pxe^\
ro-pli^\
oB
:enJl s(ll 'serun l snorxouqo alrnb eg uec sJopessequre 'suorluelur luolonaueq pue serlrlenb poo8 rierlr elrdsep 'Z ralderlc ur pauortueur 1 se 're.Lano11 'uorl -dtunsse poo8 e sr srgt 'tred tsotu eqt rog 'no[ uae.r\]eg .{uouueq uretureur ol sJopessque rno,{ uo lunoJ UBJ nod leql 'JBJ os pear a,r,,no[ leq,n ruor; 'erunsse detu reulred rnod pue n6d-3,1s^d ro 'puelsr 'roqcue-eil,ls rnol, re.taleylN
'ssa1aglauo51 'uortsa8Fns r u::, 'euop uql pls Jersco sr srL.. ': nol, ouloC,, lo (,qfnui ta 'araq uapei::-'
ot e^Eq
::"
:::'
tsnur JLIs teqr uortdar.taj ,.;.:' e sem lrede aurrl Jrer{l rEu- -*-
Fu,s nuqxa
uu au nu rod'dl'J;i
ilT
^n,,
ru,l,, A
,,'paJ0lu0c-Jlos puu Llsrllos JOrltBJ oq 0l spuat JOUIJBd ,,'uMop rulr?c 0t J0pJ0 ut IlEt 0l onell I
,,'sJOLlto UllM
i
A
i''j::
1,, A
Fult.{t,{uB
-uoc luanbarJ JoJ peou srq ::: 'rncco ule8e Jaleu IIr-\\ -.--i:-
FuttteF
lou puu 'FulnrF pup Fur^lF ru,l qFnoLlt sE loal uollo 1,, A
usNrf vd uno,\
^^oN)
If
During conflict,
a l\'a\-e
'!:
your partner is an island, he or she may rely too much on talking to work out
"l
can't mt'r'a
This often is a consequence of not being able to connect readily on a nonverbal level. Of course, this imbalance is natural for an island and generally may not lead to complaints in settings other than romantic relationships. \7hen the relationship becomes distressed, a left brain gone wild can get your partner into hot water if he or she comes across as overly logical, rational,
arrogant, unemotional, or unexpressive, or as insufficiently empathic. Under
stress, an island can be overly terse, dismissive, and inflexible, or too silent or
common wave statement. Il by primitives and can bec..cr, through connecting, nou.. l:. emotional connection as ',,.e: but it acts like a primitive.
too still.
During conflict, an island will tend focus on the future and avoid the present and past. "The past is past. lil/hy can't we just move forward?" is a common island approach. In all-out war, an island's left brain gets hijacked by
primitives and can become threatening by communicating attack or retreat.
Rendered useless to social or creative causes, it uses words (or the withholding
nonverbally to your parrnc:. -' your partner through nonI,'.: vide a calm presence. \\'i.ur '
THtRo Gutotx<
The third principle of rh:.
ds anchors, islands,
o?-
of words) as weapons. It still sounds like an ambassador, but primitive: its only interest is survival.
it
acts like a
li
ri i j
Two left brains at war can get ugly. To avoid this, ideally you can ride to
the rescue and get through with verbal friendliness. Provided your own left brain has not gone wiid, talk your partner down. Be reassuring, calming, and rational ("I understand what you're saying and it makes sense" or "You're right
about that" or "You make a good point").
in the'r.
t.r.:
partner of an island may also have trouble doing these things, regardless of whether that person is an island too.
They don't enjoy a couple'r:i wou[d change, lisren rt, rr.;.1believe they coupled u'ith r:-;
with an island, who is less prone to seek or even care about such assurances.'S7ith a right brain gone wild, your partner may appear overly preoccupied with these assurances, and appear overly expressive, dramatic, emotional, tangential,
ances of love and security. This is the reverse of what we see
and a threat to safeq'anl ..: what you want and need fr-': might happen? This quanj;-r, by a bee. The degree ro
uhr;:
getting stung,
in intimate
66
L9
'lerlue8uel'leuonotue'tr]:r-L.-.
eserlt gtr,^A perdn::o:.rJ r1:... tqBu B qtUN 'sef,ueJnsse -qr:-.:
'puelsr ue
-JnssB
qlrl\
(8unls 8uule8 IaaJ e.^A i{rn{,r ot eerSap arll sr sdrrisuolller elBulllul uI Surpro,Le allqm '.{auog atp re8 ot lJo.&,r tsnul e,^d. qql{.t\ ot ear8ap eq1 'aeq e ,{q Sunls Suraq lnoqtr,r\ dauoq Suueets ot rllulls sr lrepuenb srgl 2ueddetl rq8nu ree; noL legnr Sutpto.r.e epqm 'drgsuolteloJ ruog Peou Pue tue.u noL leq.Lr te8 noL op .4Aoq 'uoEsanb eqt sesIBJ strlf 'Ltuncas pue Lleyes ol tBerl{t e Pue []lrnres pue lra;es;o esrruord eq] qroq s8uuq ssauesolc 'aldoed dueur rog ,," " JJ, I{ceer rleqt ulqtl.^d sI teryd 8ut.,rtou1 {per ^luo l]IrncasuJ rleql puB 'eJllsnfur ',(lr,ulrsuasul aLIl alEeJ ra,tau 'pooqplFll Jo tlpeg 'uosrad Suorm aql qtl^d paldnoc Legr e.tetlaq
-car l,leraru s;autred eseqr
;o
ssaypre8ar 's8urqt eslur .- :.. aqa 'raulred req lo slrl lr- s:::r':
Llaterunln pue 'op [eql [e,tr aqr sBurqr op ro 'uag] ol uetsll 'e8ueqc p1no.'rt reqto aqt qslrd, ot pue] osl srautred asaql 'alqqnq aldnoc e Lofue r,uop daql 'ltuncasur pue ]erqt Jo esues len]nur elerf, ot Puet rerllouB euo uo slredxa
lou aJ oq,tr. s,raul.red 'lseJluoc uI 'ral{loue euo aldsur pue 'eqtoos 'ecuanl;ut 'ale,ttlout 'l31gs 'a.toru ol A\oq A\ou{ Pue Jaq}oue euo uo sl:adxe ale oq,tr
sreulred ueeur
1
lq8u al,no lo
,,
!,estlas Sr1:;--'. ..
:g '*
Uel u,ro rnol pepr-ro:d ss:*.ot apu uec noi.(11eapls:u- :. E elll sllB tr tnq ':optss''::.:-. sFr. r!
D\iouD auo oi
aryIar" s"Lauir.pd
Sutploqgrtrn oql ro) =::'teeJlal Jo {oeIB Suncrr::,'-;: ,(q palcehq sto8 urErq lr.l i.: ..: l:n. : ernlnl aur u :
E sI ,,;PlE,t\loJ J.\otu
aql Pro^e
PUE
urJesrp 'p1l,r,r euo8 tou sstl urerg rg8u u.tro rnod;1 'raulred Jno^ ot Llleqre.tuou
dlt
're.tr t surerq rg31r o,tq Jo sseua^Isoldxe eqr plo^e oI 'e,r.rtrulrd B a{rl stce tl tnq
'ropesseqwe uE o)II spunos lllls lI 'uIBBV 'suodee,^A se uollJeuuoJ ]Euoltoure pue lecrsf,r1d sesn rotJeuuoJ eqt 'uortentrs sry] uI izltou 'Surtcauuoc tlSnorql uounloseJ e Surnsrnd ,!pe88op [q Surua]eerqt atuoJeg uer puB se.utruud dq
papetrq ste8 urerq tq8u s,e,te,u eqt 'rea,t tnolle uI 'tueruatets eAB.{\ uouluror e sr ,,peuadderl lerl.{\ eAIoseJ e.r\ Irlun pJB,t\JoJ anour l(ueJ L, 'eJnlnJ pu lue
-sa.rd aql plo^B pue rsed eqr uo sncoJ ot puat ]ll^a e^e^\ B 'tf,rl;uoc Sutrnq
'leuorler '1ecr3o1 '!ro.ro s'-: .: rnoL la8 uel PII^\ euoF ur't::. r,'sdrqsuoueler JrluErlrol uErr r: -reua8 pue puc]sr uB lo] Irrr:-! al.l: ::'
e uo l,ppeer tf,auuof, 01
'elgrxogur pue'8uucefer 'Surqsrund '8ur.u8ro;un eq uEf, ale,,rt e 'ssarls repun 'Lr8ue pue 'leuoller.Il
creir
\,
by
r',
spending time in a close, dependent, secure relationship with another person. That person can be a therapist, or it can be a primary romantic partner who
is an anchor or close to becoming one. Though the purpose of this book is not
tance is so importan'
behaviors, and even
o,
specifically to convert you or your partner into anchors, its principles will guide you toward a more secure relationship. Spend enough time in a secure relationship, and you'll become an anchorl
Here are some supporting principles to guide you:
1. Discover your partner. Using the examples presented in this chapter, find out what you may not yet know about your partner. !?hat rela' tionship style best describes your partner? And whiie you're at it, what
style best describes you? As I mentioned before, please resist the temp-
ment.
I guarantee rh.
as
it
with compassion in your relationship. 2. Be unapologetically you. Our task in committed relationships
is not to
change or become a different person. Quite the contrary: our task is to be unapoiogetically ourselves. Home is not a place to feel chroni' cally ashamed or to pretend we are someone we're not. Rather, we can be ourselves while retaining our sense of responsibility to others and
encourage our partner to be unapologetically himself or herseli In this way, we offer each other unconditional acceptance.
are
reckless or uncaring about how we treat others, or that we can use this
to be our worst selves. For example, if your partner is unfaithful or otherwise hurtful to you, he or she can't simply say, "Tough. This is who am. Just accept it." No. This is a time when apology is definitely in order. In fact, whenever your partner voices hurt,
you need to focus less on being unapologetically yourself and more on
68
69
sn{I .;
la :'-'
_
sr reutred rnol ;] 'e1dru::..: slql osn uBc eA\ lqt lo '.::'_ S;..':!:'t:':r--;:.
.
.
lsnlu e,r 'senles.tno \:-: .' -:-: pue sJJr,l]o ot,{tr1r.1...- :;.-
-ruoqJ
1ee;
tI esn oS dpedo:d,-u: ::,j- .aII-I 'JerllouE euo Li*::-:: -dural egl lsrsa: asee.: :: -BIel
-
-::
^llB -nper8 euo^ue l]l,r pue luoddns 'uorto.tap '1oedse; 'pre8ar q8rg ^to;es 'acuetdecce q8norqt [1ug 'ueddeq ]ou teqt aetuelen8 1 'luau IIr^\ -uopueqe Jo teelqt ro 'le.r.orddeslp 'ssarnp 'reel ;o suortrpuoJ rapun
o51 'drqsuonela.r s,eldnoc e yo leo8 eL[] eq
a:n:as Llleluouepun; ot ornJesur urog seEueqc euo {letuoruepun; tou plnoqs sqt tnfl .sarrnfui
sa8ueqc eseqt erurtourog 'sdrqsuouElel olrtJerloc q8norqr sLe.n leua
- .'
, t_
Pue sreJ peroqueual rno Jo stuBuruer tsB] 0r1t lnq Ii urroJsurl -uouegd ur 8uur.n srqt e8ueqr uec o,r\ 'as,rnoc;g 'e.Ler8 o1 alpelJ ruog
sn L[]r.{\ sLels secueuedxe lserpea rno Suunp eceld salel terlt Suur^\ ,sror.teqaq
: -: .
's::,i-:-.
luuPrual .-: .- -
1eluaruepulu etll 'renamo11 'eurrt relo surJq Jno uele pue rno 'sepn1t11e rno a8ueqr op pue uer alN 'tueuodrur os sr ef,uel -deoce dq.u s1 srqt puv 'enn orE tllog 'a8ueqJ raleu e.& teqt osle puE 'a8ueqc I]E a,r lerlt des plnoc notr .rautred ;noL e8ueqc ol dl t,uoq
'aJes
.g
rautred;noL
dee>1
se;1esrno.{,llecrraSolodeun eg ot sr etepueul
rnol
'ar?xras
puo
alns
tarpo
ltna (aa4 01 sau1r"p4 snxollz alqqnq a14noc o Sutlnan :aldrcuud Surprn8 tsrrJ arlt requrauag 'sureluor puB spaau s,lautred ;nod o1 Surpual
el.,::!
Becoming
Soothe
Another: F
en
see partne
children. Both partners seem manual for their relationshrp . tional details that no one ours
other's buttons. When the ,rri Not only that, they knos'hcr,.r words to say, or deeds to per
\7ell, maybe. As I said earlie:. others, with lots of positive int in and curious about us. \\'e a
Pelsalelur ere.\\
l(uoP lEr,[] se^rlrurrrd r{tr.{\ alqet eqt ot euroc IIE elN 'sn tnoq snorJnr pue ur suortrralur a^rtrsod Jo stol qtr, d. (sJeqto
orl.^d
sllnPe
eJs ritr,l1a
plp ueql ejll ul uBts releq B to8 sn Jo auros (rerlrEe ples I sv 'eq^tu 'llelN l^lleuortouta reutJd rraqt eBBuEru ot uraqt s,r\olie teqt raaodredns terces oq 'ou 'aur tsn{ leuosourorrlJ reutred rce;rad e;o
uorssessod ur sduqrad eldoed qcns eJV 2rdape os eq o1 le8
rJ E tE Je.^d. pue esolr a^ol deal reqr sllJ>ls uoulrunururoc pauoq pue llorruor IBJo^ pue rltearq pereln8e;11a.u lsruelsAs 1e8e,t treurs pedo1a.tap11a,tr lsurerg
rg8rr pue Tel paruleqqle.tr lsacrtroJ letuorJotrqro Suons ssessod sraut.red asaql 'e.ulcadsred acuarcsornau uroJC 'Jer{lo qf,Ea leq Jo 'eq}oos 'eJrcxe
'e,Lar1el 'ete.te1e
ot
ra.,nod
'des
ot
spJo^\
,uou1 Leqr 'regl .\uo lo51 rq8rr eqr .,rrou4 Aaql 'uonentrs aqr dperuar ot ^\oq 'dg,u esues dlalerparurur Leqr 'peq 3ur1ea,1 sr reqto arll uerllN 'suolng s(Jerlto aqr gsnd ot re.trod tsoru aqt seq leq^\ s.reuuBd esaqr 'e:uelsur rog
^\oul
',!\ou1 ot Lle1q
s1
-eredo qtl^\ rerirueJ sr qreg 'raqto qreo roJ pue dlqsuoneler rrar{t
s(reu,r\o eqt parpnts d11n;a;ec pue pBar e^Eq
IEnueuI
"",
uaq_,[
V L
){rJdvHf
Bi
lack of order currently upsers
take responsibility for all prior injustices you endured at the hands of those I never knew, because you now are in my care." Hmm. How many people would be willing to say those vows? And yet' in my practice and research, that is exactly what I see couples in secure relationships doing. It is a conscious choice they make. They agree to take each other
who are careless, messv, ani ir How many such issue. i . the tens? Or even morel Parri,
a vast storehouse
ofpersonai r.
1
on "as is," and take responsibility for one another's care. As experts who understand their partner, they do what's necessary to relieve the other's distress or to amplify his or her elation. To many partners who find themselves at the mercy of each other's moods, this kind of expertise may indeed seem
like a secret superpower they'd do almost anything to obtain. The role of primary partner is a big one: it entails taking good care of another human pain in the rear. And the only way for this to work is for it to
be fully mutual. Both partners need to become experts on one another.
Table 4.1 lists sonre . : : islands and waves. Note r:^:--mean they're invulnerat'le.
ii
With
this kind of arrangement, nobody reaily loses and everybody truly wins. You
can think of it as a kind of pay-to-play version of romance, and it is, make no mistake, an investment in your future,
TABLE
4.1
CT
Vulnerabil
us
feel bad. These issues typically originate during childhood, and we carry them
child, you were told you were ugly or stupid, and now you stiil feel you are less attractive or intelligent than others. Perhaps someone in your this day. Or
as a
early childhood always had to be right, and by default always made you seem wrong. Today you continue to feel sensitive to right/wrong issues. Here's another scenario. Let's say that during your childhood you experi' enced a great deal of chaos and disorganization from one or both parents. So
PUSHING EACH
Peggy and Simon mer a:
72
T,L
dagl 'pe.tLopt,r'r .4aoN'JaqleSot e^II ot PoPIcaP PuB raqloue ouo ol lool ^l>lrlnb [33a4 {tuacar qrog 'o8e sread ual IEIros qcrnqJ E lB laru uorurs pue
ru:'- \\ - l:.-
nol aperu
sde.ule
]pri::
ot noL stroj]e t1 'no.i as'2:- - :: -uoc noL os puE 'p11t1: r- .-- ."
uroql
e^BlN
a^\ pue 'Foa,-i'-: -r:
:eut;ed rnod ruor; pateredas Suteq;o reag ;eutred rnol Lq peuopueqe Suteq;o reeg
paruelq Sutaq;o reeg ,{rerurlur qcmu ool Jo reeC
:e1t.:.-- -
CVg -ll
SSNI]
IVHI
edha
l4plqe.reu1nn
JL[,\ L i.-: -
t{usaop sIqJ 'areq sroqJuu Sutpnlcut lou ur(I leql aloN 'sole.t\ Pu sPuEIsI Suotue peJnou e^Eq I seltllqreulnl uleur oql Jo eulos slsll I't elqel 'aJII rno rnoq8norql salttllqJeulnl JnoJ ro eerql erues eql ,(q PeqJnlsIP eJE
oq,n strodxa
utP.l,i- - ; urees poJpur Aetu :itl:::,.sr^lrsturLll PulJ otl.\\ --: .'-sip eLll o.\al1Ol .-, ::i:: s(Jel[]o sy ':lr'r : -i
-r--r
-
puy
iSA\o.\
sn Jo tsoru a^elleq I 'peq IaaJ sn eIBuI ol rearod el{l tlll.^A rno; Jo eerql ,i1uo .!1r -uapr ol elq aq III^\ sn Jo lsour tag ol 8utj1t.Lr tu,1 'eluessa Jlaql ol u^\oP senssl rno Iloq d11ee.r e.tt JI 'enllun Lllereue8 sr srql ta.te,lrorl 'uercrutlc E se eouelr leql rlcrqm q]I^\ sanssl leuos:rad;o osnoqalols lsEA E
a.teq daqr teqt uolsnlll eqt JaPun eJ uauo sroulJed lerour uela JO lsuel eql
uI Jaqulnu Leqi oq
luetu
.lo.o11 oq.^A
rjlr,^^
'lEJl JLil u:
- .- '-. ..
-
drqsuorleia.r
lno otnel
.."r. ',-r,
I]EI
qrnrl
'8ut.{ouue eq ul s:-.rj:-
adoption. His adoptive parents divorced a year later and handed him off to his maternal grandparents, who were already burdened with financial wor' ries. Peggy's father left when she was five, and her mother never remarried.
Because her mother worked
In the train incident. t tons, and neither did anlti insensitivity to Simon's abai
whereabours, and then acr:: was insensitive to her u-irhi relieve her (and his o$'u) )L:
school. This aunt, who had no children, often shut Peggy in a room by herself because this aunt "needed a little peace and quiet." The couple like to travel together, and they make frequent trips abroad.
However, these often are marred by conflict. While in Europe recently, Simon lost track of Peggy at a train station. She went to get coffee, assuming Simon
would wait on the train. But when she hadn't returned after five minutes, he panicked and rushed into the station to look for her.
When they finally caught up with each other, Simon was livid' "'Where
were you?" he shouted, as Peggy approached embarrassing me."
with two coffees. "\7hat's the matter?" she replied, a death glare on her face' "You're
"I had no idea where you werel" Simon continued to shout. "The train's about to leave. What were you thinking?" Peggy didn't respond. Still holding the coffees, she turned and entered
the train, but a different car than the one where they had been sitting. Simon returned to his seat alone, angry and hurt that Peggy was ignoring him and unapologetic. He remained there until they reached their destination two hours later. By the time they met up on the platform, the tension between them seemed to have blown over, but the underlying issue was never dis'
cussed or resolved.
EXTNCISE: Ht
As an expert on yoLl' llalttt:, things that make hint or lrer thyself." ln other worcis.
ltti
c..
h...
As a couple, Peggy and Simon are at the mercy of their three or four bad things. Neither is fully aware of the other's issues from childhood or of how these vulnerabilities influence them in the present. In fact, they share at least one common issue: both were abandoned during childhood. In their adult relationships, this is reflected in difficulty trusting, fear, and general insecurity. Specifically, Simon's main vulnerabilities are (1) believing he couid be
1r,,.
left at any time, (2) feeling he's the cause of other people's problems, and (3) suspecting others don't trust him. Peggy's vulnerabilities are (1) feeling she
has to do everything alone, (2) believing she can't count on anyone else, and
3.
SL
JoUE
Jauppd Jno^ qtrm FulnFru pollpJOJ no,{ esoddns 'e;duuxe Joj 'sorl
JoJ l00l pur? lr
JaAO
-rluuoururoc
'^8.1lt
pue
'g
euo.{ue uo
lunot t,u.:
stuoprcur ollt
lp
umop t0[ puu (Od tatqut Lno,4 .ro) radud puu ued u
epl
oLll sum tei1m 'tuaprcul Uco ul 'petcelar ro ,{;euo1 'pessardep IoJ no,{ aurl e J0 ',{rFuu ,{ren ouiucaq no,A qclqnn ut .roul.tud ;no,{ Lll!,r,t lueunFtu u 0q plnoc srql 'e;duuxe Jol 'slLroprcur ulrcads IIBJOJ 0l dlotl 1
'Z
loquauoJ uuc
aLil tnoqu
no,4 su
1|r1s sFulLlt tuqnn 'aul} ul lulod srqt ot ,{unt eqt llB ,{;;ea sp uroJj 'no,{ patceJJu ,{ldeep aneq tuLll sonssl
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BF(
I'na\
r,
if you can narrOw your list down to three or four main vulnerabililies.
{-1,:,;
cises. when you finish, do something nice for yourself (and your partner)!
pr,1'
i-.
thirr,. .-:
probably clidn't know him or her durin$ childhood, but what has your partner shared with you abOut that phase of lifeP
tional state is a cruciai asF..In my work with coupLe,. ner to change, not realli'. .i they are. But what people
j,'
.', :
.
2. Recall specific incidents in your relationship during which you partner became distressed. ln each case, what was the issue that made him or
her feel vulnerableP
:c
:-'
ties. See if you can narrow the list down to three or four main areas of
r..-
76
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BE'
ScurcHING
respective vulnerabilitiesl
\.(
\\i1
that make the partner feel good. More tharr just a safe environtnent, the couple bubble is a place for partners to feel excitement, enrichment, and most importantly' attraction. I'm not
speaking here about physical attraction. Rather, I mean the kind of attraction
that serves
as glue
is the glue holding couples together. Fear may be useful for keeping a partner
in line, but it obviously is counter to the notion of a couple bubble. We should \We want to be want to be in the bubble; we shouldn't feel we haue to be there. with our partner because there is no other place in the world we'd rather be. Our attraction is based on what we do for one another that no one else can or wants to do. Couples who don't use this kind of attraction as their glue are
doomed to fail sooner or later.
-,',
ccl
in chemical engineering. He : worthwhile as a human berns tinually anticipates that Pegs,,' Throughout their Eurr.r;.
she is and how attracted ro her
YOIjR PENTNTN?
Are you aware 0f whai things you can say 0r d0 that have the power to relieve
harl
distress and uplifl your partnerP Take a minute and think about these now.
1. You may find it helpful t0 lregin with the list 0f vulnerabilities you made earlier. For each 0f the three 0r f0ur things ihat make your partner feel
bad, you probably can identify something that will mollify the bad feeling.
For instance, if my history has me doubting my wofih as a parent, my partner can predictably bri$hten my m00d with a sp0ntaneous "You're
such a g00d father," delivered right intO mY eyes.
2. Check the list you c0me up with against the antidOies in table 4.2, which
rnight give you additional ideas.
3. You may also want t0 create a list 0f the things your partner can
does) rlo that please and Lrplift you. lf you are doing this exercise together,
Simon responsive in
u'a_vs
tha:
you can creale separate lists for each other and then compare notes.
78
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Btt to the
1,
in chapter
it couidn't
self-esteem and self-worth are developed through our contact with other peo'
if you think
to be of help.
They're not; theyte provided by the other. That's how it works and that's how
it has always worked, starting from infancy. Now I'd like you to meet another couple.
Paul and Barbara have become very social since their last child left the neEt two years ago. They like going out with friends and enjoy participating in
Asking a partner, "'Whar' again?" As partners, we shoul required to know, but we mosr
to do because they don't reallr'
community and philanthropic activities. Barbara was abandoned by her father when she was four; her mother, who raised her and her older sister alone, passed away last year. Barbara is still sad about the loss of her mother and of her children, who are all away at school. Paul was the oldest of five
siblings, all male. His father was especially hard on him during childhood. His mother tended to take a back seat to his father's authoritarianism'
Of course, our
guesses
u'ill
thing
Although this couple's vulnerabilities are not dissimilar from those of Peggy and Simon, they respond to one another in a very different manner.
Paul understands Barbara's history, and is able to help her recognize when her
survived many losses in her iite excelled in academics. Althou5 disappointed him. Thls has mz
reactions to him are influenced by the childhood loss of her father. Whenever Barbara pulls away from him, Paul knows what to do to be of help. Likewise, Barbara understands Paul's history; she stands ready whenever his insecurities and perfectionism arise and knows what to do to help him.
For example, on the way home from a dinner event one evening, Paul noticed that Barbara, sitting next to him in the passenger seat' was unusually quiet. He remembered that, during dinner, a woman at their table had talked
about caring for her aging parents. Guessing Barbara was stili thinking about this, he said softly, "You're remembering your mother, aren't you?"
She nodded and wiped away a stray tear. Paul could feel her distress. Reaching for her hand and kissing it, he said,
how lucky he feels to be u'irh with you for the long haul." He
if
"l'm
These three or four things tha also give her what she most ne move her emotionally. He scrar
Wiping away more tears, she whispered, "Thank you." Paul was tracking Barbara that night, as he does whenever they are together. He knows what can hurt her, how she displays that hurt, and what he can do to help. He knows there are only three or four things that consis.
tently have the power to hurt Barbara, and these vulnerabilities have existed
since childhood and will probably exist until the day she dies. He doesn't need
80
I8
'pepurur 1e^\ sr ullq qtr^a saer8B s^B.t\le oqd\ auo^u lEql SuEcedsns
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eg: or
BEC
often tells him, "I trust you with my life." She never argues with him just to prove herself right, but will stand up to him when she believes doing so is important for both of them. She regularly tells Paul how much she believes in
his ability to do the right thing, and to fix lt if he discovers otherwise. Barbara knows what Paul needs to shore up his self-esteem and self-worth, and she
does it without hesitation because it benefits her, as well.
Barbara and Paul maintain a loving couple bubble. As experts on one another, they can detect when the other has an itch, and they know exactly
how to scratch
grasp of the hand to calm each other's primitives and communicate the sup-
port that is needed. They get their needs met in ways that would not be possible if each were alone; they do this for each other because they can and because it makes them more attractive-and even indispensible-to one another. Nor does anyone outside their bubbie do what they do for one another, and as such, their world is a safer, more protective world than the
one that exists outside their bubble.
EXTRCTSE:
Other.
THI
EMOTE ME GAME
tf
0r
yOu can practice it with0ut telling yOur partner what you're dOing.
Drawing; upon
your knowledge of your partner, try t0 anticipate what will bring a smile t0 his 0r her face, then watch and see if it works. For example, you might
give your partner a back rub 0r relate a special shared memory.
FOU TH GUIDIN
2.
Now say something complimentary about your pafiner that will profoundly move him 0r her. You will know you have succeeded if you bring tears t0
The fourth principle in this bool know how to please and sootlrc e. your partner's primary vulnera
effective for each. Table 4.2
sLrn-.
your partner's eyes. I don't mean tears of sadness, but the moistness thal comes when we feel deeply touched. Brief, declarative statements are
mOst likely to succeed. Long, drawn-Out statements will fail. Avoid adding
qualifications. For example, your partner may be moved if you say, "You're
82
8
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l--
-.:
4.2
Vulnerability-what
bothers your partner
Antidote-what to do or saY to
your partner
Ifyour partner is busy, say, "I need to talk with you in a couple minutes,"
and then leave.
than
minutes,
I'11
start
"I can
see
"I
"I understand why you did what you did. Your heart was in the right place."
"Look, it's not [all] your fault. And if it were, that wouldn't matter to me."
1. Learn
to rapidlr. :.:-.,:
partner is bothere:
B4
s8
roqtre
ol -Iellru l(uPInoA\ tL
'l1ne3
aqt uoo,{\tag Suurncco Surqlauros;o esnEceq Pereqloq st reulred rnod nod'pareqloq sI JautJd rar{teq^d. JaIBur t(useop r1 '{alerpeurul }} ^\oDI rnoL;1 's8u11aa; pue pooru Jari ro slq ot tJele Lllenuuuoc e;e no,( suEeur
puv
rnod
[11e]
rou
,,'ece1d rq8p aqr ur se.r tl 'pIP no^ rcq^,lPIP noL driu. pue (.'ase3 srr{l
ur aurl ,Io t
,,'Surdlec [o[ue
sle.r,r1e
,,2dols
,,
ol oul lur-.
oP
ol req,r f,lllexe
^\ouI
e.^A
L,
[ceur]ui;o
ueprnq e sr er{s ro eg Sutlaag
,,1nod
ol rue 1
Jo erotu ou eJ(nol,
enurluot
3uo1e
1,,
.('ell s.ll JI ua^e 'puEI e^\ sB uoos se noA 11ec 11,1 asruto.rd
ung 'q8noua
pEL[ eA,nr]
i
r,
eur IIEO,,
er,noL leqm ot
{leq
ta8
ue:
I 'tq8luot reqleSol
tu,1,,
,,'nod tnoqe 3ur1u1ql tu,1,, stsa8Fns tBrlt tueruuoc dqrrd [ue ro ,,8u1]aatu
peg 'q8n,, ro ,,no,{ 8urno1,, ;e ,.1y,, tsnf 'eteroqele 8urqto51'SurBesseru qcns 'LSolouqrat Jo asn a{EI{
txat
se
lleluof, esolJ
asee16,,
ur aq ot tuelt\
(('ol peluB.e\
Jau
nod Lq peuopueqe Suraq;o reeg
no,(;r au yo
p1r ra8
t,uplnol no
ol
Aes
ro op ol teq.\\-
l,uoq,
U]NI]
NV:)
oI oc
urHroNV lNO NO SrUrdXE DNrWO)19
W}RED FOR LOVE ofan expert that you can speediiy make an educated guess about which ofhis or her three or four bad things has been
case, you are enough
Bri
your own itch. What.
things with your parrne
So, how do _vou kr:.c
touched off, There is no reason to let any problems fester. Seeing your
partner in distress should be the signal to "stop the presses" before continuing on with arything. For example, if you think you caused your partner pain, you might say, "That didn't go well, did itJ" or "I'm so sorry. Did that just hurt you?" The worst thing you can do is ignore what you see on your part'
ner's face or hear in your partner's voice. Let your partner know he or she can count on you to step up and say or do whatever is needed to
'.:
three or four things are (bad ;r as a "secret" superpower. :in:: these good and bad thine. : turns out you're not seeing rh.
And the same applies to you. You can rely on your partner to be
there for you, to know your vulnerabilities and soothe you when you're upset. It's as though when you formed your relationship, you took out
a
scratching the right itch. In rl tion, oftrial and error, you can
policy that would ensure your comfort, and now because you've kept
up with your premiums (that is, by being there for your partner), you're
able to relax and cash in whenever something seems to have gotten out of hand.
2. Prevent probiems before they arise. Knowing how to repair darnage is helpful, but it is even better to anticipate and avoid difficulties. Of coLrrse, it won't be possible to avert all challenges. Life doesn't work
that way. But as experts, there is a lot you and your partner can do to please and keep each other happy. Rather than waitlng until you see trouble brewing, be proactive with your partner. Make a habit of saying and doing the things that make him or her feel good. Don't assume your partner aiready knows how much you love him or her; don't fig-
four things that make your partner feel good. In this way, you make
deposits you can draw on when the going gets rough.
3. You may be wondering, what if my partner and I disagree about what our three or four bad things and three or four good things are? The answer is that it doesn't really matter. It isn't actually critical that you
correctly identify your own three or four things or know how to scratch
86
L8
r.[J]Errs ol
,4d.oq
nod ]et11
^\oul
ro s8urqt r
tl
a
eas nod lpun Suple^\ uBql leut ol op uec reul.red rnod pue n.r...
Iro^\ t.useop a;r1 'sa8ue11eq: :r JO 'srillnr4jlp plone pue :rL:: sr a8eurep rredar ol .uoq 8ur.tc-:
uallo8
oAEr[
o]
surees Surqtaiu,-
lno
eg
Iool
'lJedxe Jelleq B auloJaq ol enulluof, UBO no^ 'roue pue leul;o 'uorl .etuaruuedxe;o ssacord e q8norql 'reuuBd rnol, lnoge eJour uJeel pue preoq Suurerp eqt ot {ceq oB ot etuu s,tr 'esec tcqt uI 'gctl tr{8}r aql Surqctercs leL lou a;e nol, ale saJuerlf, 'sllnsal pensep aql Suteas lou ar,nod lno suJnl tl JI 'stlnsar er{t r{rte^\ puB lrq trs ueqt 'aq or s8urql peq pue poo8 asaqt
puetsrepun nol' 1eg.,rt ot Su]pJocre puodser l'1dtu15 're,uodradns .lerros,, E sB asrtredxa sn{t ot perreJor 1 .{qm s,req1 '(poo8 ;o peq) ere s8urqr rno; ro oerql rnol, teq,u. tnoqu Jauued rnoL qtu{ ateqap e olur ta8 ol paeu ou s.alerlJ 'poour uI rJlqs snoauetuods Jeq ro sKI ur tuoreddE
'd.rros os rr,i.
lo
'ecro,L reg ro srq ur elqrpne 'acEJ s,Jautred rno[ uo elq]sp eg s,(e.u1e 1ir,tr erueprle aq1 'Surppnd aqr ur sr '1eads ol os ]oord aq1 2s1-ro.,vr d11ear
eqr dots,, ot
1:'.r
.r-,:-e
^{oq
'oS s8urqr
r1lr,Lr,
aseqt op ot
noL
lerlt
rnol
uet
nra_,.
UEHI-ONV ]NO NO
SIfldX] DNIWO)19
CI
Launching
reakfast
in bed. The
snapshots from vour ; Lullabies. Daily debriefings. Be: From our earliest begirrr,r:.
tion frtrm sleep lo wake, an.i morning, and land at nighr. \\', ' we form tend to stay wirh us.
shifting between qsn561sLrrn.i,
quences for our mental and ph
relationship.
In fact, many people-b mornings and nighttimes. Dep upon awakening. Facing a ne',',
dreams, a person who is derrr
'llE t lI qll,{\ IeoP tou PUE 'lno ssed 'paq otur 11e; dldurs ol re;erd ,(eqr reqr aldoed eruos roJ 1n;ured os aq uec daals puE ele^\ uee,^Ateq uortrsurt er{J 'raltBqJ ieuJatul 8urxe,r. qtl^\ pultu leql IIrJ ot puat sarroureur pue 'se8erur 'srq8nogt euroslrro.r\ 'peq ul 8ur^l olltllN 'lqEru re snorxu eroru seurltatuos afe eldoed snolxuv 'dn Euura8 Pearp
pue InJrEaJ puB pate^Itoutun laal deut passerdap sI oq.^a uostad e 'surearp 8url1asdn;o eturllq8tu E laUE Llletcadsa '[ep .ttau e Surceg 'Burue4eale uodn
pesserdep erour serurteuros ore eldoad pessardaq 'serurttq8ru pue s8uluJotu
u1
'drqsuorteler
lno Jo r.[]lBeq eqt roJ s IIa^\ sB 'qtleaq lecrslqd PUB l]ueur lno roJ secuanb -esuoJ luelJodrur seq sseusnorf,suocun pu ssausnolJsuoc uae,\\leq Sutr;tqs
ol peurotsnJJB ere e^d qJrq.{\ ur rauueru eql 'sn rill,tr [ers o] puet ulroJ a.^a strqeq er{} puB '{pootipiltlc Suunp slqt urel a1X 'rq8tu tB puBI pue 'Sururour eql ur qcunel tsnru elN 'deeis ol oIB, A tuog pue 'a{e,tt ol daels urog uoll rlnpe rno lnogSnorql s8utuurSeq lsallre rno ruorc
-rsuBrt tsnur
e^A 'a;I1
'slEntrr auruPoq IIe aJ osaql 'PeeqeroJ eL[] uo sessr) 'sra.{er4 'tq8ru le peq otur pelrnt Surag 's8ur;auqap {1eq 'soIqEIIn'I
'sarrots arunpeg 'siBntrr Sururour pooqplllJ 'lno.( uror; stoqsdeus JerIrruEJ euros ale asarll sdetpad 'sessr{ dn-e>1er16 's8uos dn-e1e16 's8ururotu serutsrn{C pue .{epqrlq Jo IIIryr eqJ 'peq ur tsEJIEer
slBnllu eulllPeg
PUE Sururol\ esll ol /KoH :s8urpue1 pue s8urqcunel
s ulrdvH)
time...with you!
of.control behavior. \Uorse yet, your partner may be tempted to seek relief
through self-medicating activities and substances, such as pornography, chat rooms, online poker, late-night television, alcohol' food, marijuana, or a com' bination of the aforementioned. So why have i inciuded a chapter on morning and nighttime rituals
as
STETpTNG
AND
\A
Noah and Isabella, both in the while working hard at rheir re: riage, they used to go out tog rearing duties and a mounting
exhausted. They have enlisted
part of this owner's manual for your partner? Because you can and should be your partner's best antidepressant and antianxiety agent. And best of all, no
insurance reimbursement neededl
As we saw in chapter 4, being an expert on your partner means you know how to please and soothe him or her whenever needed. During infancy, hope' fully this kind of soothing was provided by a primary caregiver. If your partner
is an anchor, he or she had a secure base from which to explore the environ' ment and return whenever in need of comfort and re{ueling. If your partner is
an island, however, that secure base was relatively unavaiiable, and now he or she may deny or dismiss the need for a partner to soothe and be there as a source of comfort. After all, why consider the importance of such security if it was never available in the first place? Studies of children in Israeii kibbutzim, where communal living arrange' ments meant they were separated at nighttime and early mornings from their
pre
cally wakes an hour after she I These partners have becc Noah has become increasingir'
mother, give us insight into this question. Attachment theorist John Bowlby (1969) predicted children in such situations would be less secure, and research' ers have documented this to be the case. For example, Abraham Sagi and colleagues (1994), who compared children who slept at home with children who slept away from their parents, found that if the parent was consistently
does ,
to be insecure.
More
recently, Liat Tikotsky and her team (2010) reported that parents who expe.
rienced communal living as infants were more like to report concerns about their infant's sleep disturbances. Their study revealed a silver lining, however:
these parents also were more likely to soothe their infants at bedtime'
a,
'lThether
we are a\\':
Vhether or not your partner felt smoothly transitioned at bedtime and in the morning during childhood, here's the good news: your partner has the
90
I6
'Surlllesun aq uec sn Uel serl .reutred Jno lBqt ecuer:edxa ar{l (uoltJedes
Lre,rodruet e dluo sr t1
:s,trau po
pag drdrue uE ot tcBeJ Leru e.tr']ou Jo ]lJo aJB^\B erE e^\ roqler{lN'daelse ere
a.u alrll( daelse pue 'a1e.re are a.^d ellr{ \ eIB.r dlqere;erd-sn ot txeu Jaq ro urrq 8ur,r.eg ol peurolsnJJe euoJeq a.tr 'reulred E r{lrzr,l elrl eA\ uarl.tr 'rea,a.ro11
^{ou{
ur JLuuPeg te pauortrsue:r . Pue 'aulllpeq lE slueJur Jroql :Jene^\oq '8urur1 Je^irs B pala.\a
arol{
'ernJasur eq
seaa
of
.{1aryt
2srautred
Lltuetsrsuoc
tuared er{t Jr l
qtoq uo
e,r.eq Eururour
]e
sele.tt Lgar.rq er{s uer{^d lleqesl uo e^Bq paq ,iidrue ue 1o lq8rs aW seop }leJ}e
ruril6 lqeoN uo seq,!rea peq ol Suro8 llegsl >1utqt nod op treJJe terllN 'e8eiueur agl lnoq sseussaledoqJo esues Suvrror8 e pue'sseu
-ssaFe.r,rod 'd8raue Surue.u;o sureldruoc rlJe tatr
erunpeq te ssauraqtaSot Jo {rBI rreqt ot qool reqtlaN 'Sututeldruoc s1q Jo InJ -tueser sr BIIeqsl pue (snorxue pue pesserdap LlSutseer:ur eruoJeq seq qEoN aurelq 'sao^\ Jreqt Jreqr 'uerpllqc eql uo uoucBJsrlBssrp rraql pue 'ryom IErf,uEurJ [ddequn aluoceq elq srauud eseql
qtr.^d
s(uerpllrp er{t a{Eur ol q8noua l,pea dn auo dpo eqt (pro t lltun dn sdets pue tqS1u B uaeq
sde,mle seq
sr EIIaqBSI
'tqSluprur tseal
ar{t sE uoos se ''ru'd 6 punoJe peq or oB ol sre;ard lieqBSI 'uec erls ueql6. 'elBI >lro,\r qroq ueq.r\ slgSlu uo rarrlsdqeq Sunod e e^q pue 'seunp erucl,ep snorrel qrur dleq ot srequreu l^pue; pepuelxe patsrpe e.teq deql 'petsneqxa
ou
'11e
Jo tseq
puy
'lue8e irerx
oot pue Lsng ool eJB rltoq 'uaprnq IErf,uEurJ Suuunoru E pue sertnp Suueer -pllqr qrr,r\ '.r0.o51 'srnoq erel dael pue reqreSot tno oB ot pasn Aerlt 'e8eu
4uur Jo s.reed Apea aqt
uI
uoJpilrlc Sunod o.trt Sursrer eJ 'ser1Jrqt ppu Jleqt ur qtoq 'e1iaqes1 pug ripoN
'sel-.r
Iflrrv-uvdrrs DNDV
A crNV
DNrdIEfs
inod qll,rr"'arurl
ol peldurel aq ,ieru
'Eruru,-,
:slInse] e.\llr:
]s-rr; d.re,r.
eql roJ Jo (ure8e eseq arnces leqt e^Bq ot ldou []runlroddo lce;rad
SDN
finds it hard to fail back to sleep after waking to find Noah still up. And Noah, who has wave tendencies, sometimes feels abandoned when Isabella
goes to bed before he does, even though he is naturally a night owl.
STEEpTNG
AND V
To complicate matters, their respective genders may influence Isabella's and Noah's sleep experience. In fact, various studies have shown that men
and women not only have different sleep patterns, but perceive their experience differently. For example, John Dittami and colleagues (2007) compared
couples when they slept alone and when they slept together over a period of
twenty eight nights. They found that women had more disrupted sleep when they were with a partner than when they slept alone, while men reported
enjoying sleeping together more than women did.
TRRNSITIONIN(
Rebecca and Vince are
r.-
Wendy Troxel (2010) pointed out a paradox emerging from this field of
On the one hand, measures of the biophysiological changes that occur during sleep (e.g., reaching the most restful level of sleep-called level
research.
4 sleep; having fewer body movements) indicate that, overall, couples better alone. On the other hand, couples subjectively report that they
sleep sleep
dren. Similar to Noah anJ Is income to keep up with a n,--. other expenses that keep rhe: Isabella, they don't have ex:::.
daycare or babysitters. Rebecca
better when they are together. She theorizes that, for both men and women,
the need to feel secure at night outweighs any sleep disturbances that may accompany cosleeping. This would explain, for instance, why Isabella is disturbed when she wakes to an empty bed. It also supports what I stress in the guiding principles of this book: the importance of keeping your partner safe
and secure. It's also possible that Isabella and Noah are influenced by their respective
office six out of seven davs. Fand Vince more of an isiani their secure, skillful
\4
dv r.\t ri..:
morning rituals, both tbr rh. - -. to put the children ro be.j. ,:,, quietly about rheir dar. or :-. ,. to step into her home ottr,.
a crisis is occurring
:
circadian rhythms-the daily biological cycle that determines when an individual is inclined to eat, sleep, and perform other actions. Research has shown that couples with different rhythms, such
as
in her ..'. :,
n-.
can experience instability in their relationships. For example, Jeffry Larson and team (Larson, Crane, and Smith 1991) found that couples with different
e\i:
get up with him, even thouli.. . so they can share a cup tri
night and morning orientations had more arguments than did similarly
couples to have different daily rhythms, yet
ori
.:
ented couples, and spent less quality time together. It's actuaily common for
rl r.
.
healthy for these partners to get onto the same sleep schedule, or at least to create ways to begin and end the day together. You can improve your relation.
ship
lf
one another's eyes and then se: times, they take turns readins r.
partner.
ing the books they will enj..-,' : with new bedtime rituals. as i,..
92
.6
turod e epEru
eql 8ur
rncr.{ tltr.rrr sula]]ed a1e.u7doa1s
-tJales eteuJatl pue 'tqBru qcea Jeqtoue euo ot SurpeeJ suJnt alet [at1] 'sarurl
oi;;o rer{tou
otur Surze8
'dee1s
ot tseol le ro 'elnpaqcs deels ar uele pue alqrssod s.tr e^arlrq I ro; uoLUuroJ Allenlre s,lJ 'lJLIlr;
-r.ro ,41:e1rr-u1s
'se^eel eq relE rnoq reqlouE roJ Peq ot lcBq sPBeq pue eeJJoc aql seo8ro; eqs 'serurt leqto tV'Lep >po,rt u^\o Jarl uo uls.!ree atlr satercardde egs spurJ er{S 'se^Bel aq eJoJeq aeJJoJ Jo dnc e ereqs uec Lagl os
'ot raq pelse t(usBr{ er{ puB ot peeu t.useop eqs q8nogl ue,re 'run1 ql,r dn ra8
tuereJJlp
uosre'I Lrgef 'eldruexa rog 'sJr 'sprrq,(pee t1lr,n pe.rred s[,^1o ]rli
u,r\orls seLI qsJEeseu 'suol]fe ]a.! e.utoadsar
ol solll ef,leqag 'IJo^A t Surlearu e ro; dpee erlxe dn te8 ot seq ecurl '1ea,tr e e3uo tnogv 'raq roJ dn Sunre.tr;o turod B se{Eur l,11ensn pue Surpuelslepun sr e:urn 'uorse3oo uo ueddeq seop srqt uaqlN '{Jo^a req ur Suulncco sr srsrro B sselun stsrsal ags 'speur-a rg8ru-ere1 roJ {cer{J ot ergJo euroq req otur dats ol perdruel sr uauo Brcegag q8notllly 'e,ro1 Surleur ro 'Lup rlaqt tnoqe {rarnb ol uorplrq3 arp lnd ol
3ur11er 'uorsrlalet Surqcle.,n Lofue preluau pu 'p"q
(so^rl
raqleSol ryom [eq1 'se^lesureq] roJ pu uerpllqc aqt roJ rpoq 'qen1u Sururour
pue aruruq8ru lnoq atnloser are aldnoc ar{t InJssoJls rlaqr arrdsaq 'sror{rue aruoreq qtoq war{t padlaq Sunelar;o ,{e,t. 1n;1111s 'arn3as Jreql 'e8euleru ;o sread eldnoc E urqtr^d 'la.temo11 'puBISr ue Jo erour elurn pu
aABA\ B
,(eru
eles rautred rnod Surdaal Io a: eqt ur sseJls I teq,r stroddns os -srp sr lleqesl [q.u (ecuE]sur l. leqr se3ueqJntsrp deels -,,u
Jo eJoru
sBrA
BJJeqaU 'e8euJeru
ol JorJd 'sl,ep
ua.res Jo
to-+
'lPul
arr:
uB le s>lro^\ ef,urn pue 'euroq eqt Jo tno s1ro^{ EJJegeU 'sreDrs.{qeq ro arecl.ep prol;E t.uur Aegr pue 'lno dleq ot ,(pure; papuetxa e^Bq t(uop deqi 'e11aqes1 pue gEoNI a>lllun 'aJntnJ erll tnoqe parrro,^A uagr deel teqt sasuadxa reqto
ro:
.F]F
pue 'srunnuard ecuernsur qlleaq a8nq 'a8e8troru B rllr,4d, dn daal ol eurorur IBnp B Surllnd '8urryoa,rpreq er qtoq 'e11eqes1 pue rleoN ot rellruls 'uerp Suno^ o^\t e^Bq pu senril{t plur rlaqt ur ar erurn pue EJf,eqaU
Trll
DN^S Nr DNINOTJTSN\/-UI
'4IO.4A
pelrodar uaut elrq.{\ 'auo1u tJa' uat1.u. daels perdnrsrp erou pe,.l ;o pouad e reno raqteSot tdal.
_
IIEJ
sn{t .r\oqJo seldruexe euros tE Tooi s(tal 'lou op oq.u seldnoc uerlt uortrJsrtes dtqsuouelar oJoru qcnur lroder raglaSot a1e.r\ l,laurtno; oq^\ pue (daeisoc [eql tou ro reqtaqa) peq ot reqtoue auo tnd ol ro lq8lu tB peq ur rer{to rlf,o teetu
rq8ru e dllernteu
or{^A
:-
lel.'auo1e aruu :
Carrie's back. The next mornir not woken up during the night
again later that week, witl'r r Marcia, while in bed with \1,
re
Carrie did not. Despite Carri, verted early bird. As an addel mornings together. Moreover.
work, and lost weight because together and waking togerher
were before. Early birds ofren conre fr, 'r come from night owi families.
Carrie and Marcia have opposite sleep patterns' Carrie is a night owl, and Marcia is an early bird. Carrie admits she is an island and always has been. She also believes, and is probably correct, that Marcia is an anchor. Marcia worries about Carrie and her health. She notices how overtireci
she is during the day and that she tends to eat high'carb foods right before
going to sleep. Carrie insists these habits suit her well, although she would rather Marcia stay up with her and watch TV. Marcia's internal clock doesn't allow her to stay up; she starts to fall asleep almost precisely at 9:30 every night. Marcia also doesn't like to be woken at night, and she begs Carrie to be quieter when she comes into the room after Marcia has fallen asleep. Carrie sometimes gets irritated that Marcia can't stand sound or light in the room at night. Carrie wants to be next to Marcia at night, and would prefer to turn on a small nightlight and read whenever she has trouble sleep-
according to their mother's ci. themselves to switch specic.. cially when the future of their
several days of light exposure
light exposure in the earlr' n-ic your partner a little time to :-.
earlier before you expecr
hin
.-,
ing. But out of concern for Marcia, she avoids doing that. Instead, Carrie made it her habit to slip out of bed, tiptoe out the door, and look for other
94
s6
(aruEtsur
rerllo roJ Tool pue 'roop eqr ri orJre3 'peatsul 'lerp Surop sp alqnou seq er{s relouaq.
-dee1s plno.^A
ur
aq
1q311
ol rule3
dra.te 99:6 tE
t.useoP
tsorulE
roJ 'luaueg lenlnul rlerll roJ eJue o^rtf,npord aroru sr l,^d.o tq8ru eqt -rel;rp slqt osn puB 'splg.{pea pue spdo tq8ru se Jeqtoue auo tdecce Lldutts uer lcolc leuretur laql a8ueqc ol tlol;e etp o8aro; ot rISLt\ oq^\ sJoutred 'seruit esoqt Suunp leuonrunJ.!1n; eq ot larl Jo urq tcedxa nod aro;aq leIIrEe dn Suule8 ro re8uol dn SurLels Jeqtra ot lsnfpe ol etult oIDII e reutred rnol a,l.r8 'spro,ro. Jeqto ur 11.ra.o rq8ru er{} roJ Sururout Lpee eqr ur ernsodxa tq8tl ;o sl,ep Iere^es puB 'lprrq dpee eqr ro; rq8ru te ernsodxa rq8ll Jo sl'ep lere,tas apnlcu uec Sururerl 'alets tB st dtqsuonelar lleqt Jo alntnJ aqr uegan {1etc ol lseel lu to 'setcads qJlI.^AS ol sellesruel{l
-adse 'de,ro.prru Jegloue auo laeur
urer] ot alqrssodrur tou sr tr 'sselerlue^eN ')iroll s{Joqtotu rloqt ot Sulplof,JB drue;ur Suunp les ere,4d, slcolf, e^Itcedsar leql 'seIInuEJ IAo lt{8}u ruorJ aulor lqSru pue 'sprtq dFea;o selllruEj ulou eulof, uer30 sprtq ,!reE ol Puel
s1.tro
'orojeq
ere.^A
.(eqt ueqi JasolJ errle3 pue BIcJEt{ tq8norq raqlaSol 8ul1e,t pue regleSol Surdealg 'iri81u re Surlceus re8uoi ou sE^A eqs esnef,eg rq8re.u tsol pue 'ryon ol Suto8 aloJag tno 8ut1.to.r,r patrets etrJe3 're,Loelo14 'reqteSot s8ururotu eqi [ofua plno3 Blr]sl pu oI-IreC qtog 'snuoq peppe uB sV 'prlq d1.rea palra.t .uor e eruBrrq aqs '1no tq8ru sB aurItoJII s(erlJeO 3tldseq 'tou plP eIrlEC
r::-. i.
lnq
'dea1s
Jo srnoq tq8re IInJ e Sunte8 pue rq8ru qre aruu rellutls B re peq ol
Suro8 se qcns 'pooripllr{r ruo$ srrgeq deels poo8 petl Icretypaq ot 1nd aq o1 papaeu eurC ]Eqt BrrJBl\ ot pounrco r,upeq tI 'EIrretrAI Lq peuopueqe tleJ eL[s 'tr Surzrleer tnoqtr.{\ 'asneceg padolenap per1 soI]I^Ito rq8ru arel s,elrrO
sl^^O
'1,:: l-
.to Surtee
tq8lu-arel tnoqtl.{\
'tr18iu agl q8norqr deals ol elq sE^\ aqs erf,rl4 qrlln peq q eJIq \ 'erc;ery aro;eq daalse uale; 3ur.te11 'sllnser erus eqt t1t1.tr '1ae.lrl teqt ratel ure8e
L1;ee peq
ue>lo,tr
tou
qfea qJunBI daql 'lrede '.r: :: -ued Suruorlrsuelt 1erfnlr a.:tsnq ere sLep lagr tlSnour ::
so,(a
::r:
pcrl eqs parrtou pue par{se{eJ eIo^\E er.rreC 'Sutuloru txeu eql 'If,q s,alrrO pelons.firue8 eqs 'dealse IIoJ eqs sV'arrreC lage rnoq ueJIeq poq ot tue^\ pu eurtnor aurrtpoq leurrou req peqsrurJ Brrretqerf,ll aro;aq ue.te-dlrea pog
ol luel( pu lue^e strods lueduroc E ur 8ur]edrcrtred Ja]E perB ,laruertxe se.tr aqg 'Surlseretur Surqtouros peJe^of,srp erJreO 'aoueqc dq 'rq8ru auo uegJ
i::
'larr:'.
.
IeeJ
ee,lA
JIesJaq uI PetuloddeslP Pue snoIXuE (paq ot >lreq luo^\ d11uug aqs ueq^\ uelO 'trlSru orit Jo srnoq plno^\ orrre3
aql olur serlour qJlB^\ Jo :seJop erls rllrrl.& 'ruEaJJ ecr dpelnorlred 'spooy
:::
.bte; tea lsatrs ryomtau lBrcos eurluo lcaqc rqEnu eqs 'srretsu^\op sertrlurc
Aeql'apnrrre.r8
.rrarqt
\\ri:\:
of the couple's morning tasks, such as driving the kids to school. Even so, night owl I early bird couples can, and should, open and close their days together with simple rituals.
partner-whether to go ro \\'r-i type of launching. You and -,' relationship and into the non the amount of energy, conrii,
dealing with your parenrs, \-o;
1. You can select any week of the year as your ritual week. However, yoll may want t0 avoid a week during which one of you has a business trip scheduled or another atypical event that might interfere. Choosing an average week will make it easier t0 subsequently apply what you discover.
Do you gaze into 1lour partnc: After the separation, when i-i.
your partner's eyes. Or do \ou
2. During
the week, land and launch together. Think aboul what your partner
might enjOy. Perhaps include some activities that will be new t0 yOu as a
couple. I've suggested a variety of rituals in this chapter that you may want t0 try. But please don't be limited by my suggestions. Get creative!
the two of you hadn't been ap. Remember Noah and Isai
rituals? Because she is an rsian when she leaves in the nrorn::
0f
4.
At the end of the ritual week, compare your experiences. Which rituals did
Isab,ei,
you each likeP And whyP What did you learn about yourself and each otherP Decide together which rituals you would like to incorporate into
your relationship on an ongoing basis. Approach this as an experiment, but without critiquing each other. Pay attention t0 how each ritual affects both of you. Better sleepP Better dreamsP Better dayP
not. Because this couple don': car. It doesn't matter whar thr quence of failing to attune ic
that they have something r.. would remind you that our F..
can determine whether the th:
96
L6
J'r,
(esec srql ul 'lEaJ sI IEaJI{l eql Jeq}eq^\ eululJeleP UBJ aqt si tEaJI{] 3ql ^ldrms e,^A uEqt JatseJ senJ larql ot puodsar se^IlnulJd rno lql no,{ Puluer Plno^d I rng 'tqBB deqr [qa,r s(teq] pue 'tnoqe en8re ol Sutqlautos eAI{ daqr reqr on8re lq8ru no 'uoluneJ uodn rarltoue euo ol eunlle ot Surlre;;o acuonb tI teqt sI qtnJt agr lrnoge sl iq8g eI{} leq^\ Jellul l.usaoP lI 'ref,
-osuoo e sI
Olur aluJOdJ0cu! 01
alll
p|l10\., -
eqr ur rg8g {qelr^taut [egr 'dpadord e]runer l,uop eldnoc slql esneceg 'lou e^Bq eq pue er{s rng 'pepuq a,r.eg Leru aueldle reg 'raulred sn{ qll^{\ oJEJ ol aurn puads ot uoJJa ou selru eH 'eruoq Luntl laqr uerl] lrec eql ol secur
of,BJ
d tUSi:,i ,-t
laqlo eql
ld3 'sU0ll\dp'Fllr
'
uo 'qeo51 'lentu Sulqrunel redord lnoqll^A Sururour aql uI se^al aqs ual{.^a Surqr[ue pesslul seq eqs laa] t(useoP EIIaqsI 'PuEIsI uB sI eqs esnreg lslenllJ Surue.ta pue Sururoru aJBI{s tou PP ot{,tt 'egeqesl Pu qEoN JaguteureU
,{uLu no,{
::
n0\ lptl\\
-.
noL;o on; ag1 211e le rrede uaaq l.uPq 'seda s,leulled rnod Jl se uo .&rec pue peluer8 roJ uoluner el{l aTl nod op rg olur lgauq azeB pue af,EJquro nod op 'e]IuneJ noL uerl.tr 'uolleredes eqi raUV 'roop aqt tno unr Lldurrs nod sdeqrad 16 ;seLa s,laulred rnod olut eze8 nod oq uer{t ra8uol roJ Jauud rnod acerqua no,{ op 'uorleredas Jo lueulolu lpuores oqt tV
2drqsuoueler rnol, ur PelPuEI{ s8urpuel pue s8utgcunel ere ^\oH 'etuoq er{t ut Sureq
"'
aro11 1le'tl s(reqlo qree pue alqqnq eldnoe aql slcalJe elluner Pue PuBl nod 'drqsreutred aq] s? auoH 'euroq s? alqqnq eldnoc eql (Jeqrueulau 'auroq uJnleJ rnoL stuasardar l1 '8utpue1 ;o eddi e sI 'euo Jalrq B ua.te 'uotlBtdas e reSe
'olqulleAu 0q Sl 0p 0| Spitar :L
,{Bs uuc
no
i-r1,
\\
lu'r.1,
a8alloc e ',trer,tralur qo[ e 'spr1 rnoA 'sre>po.troc rnod 'slueled rnoL q]r,u Suttuep
de.lo.e a.re
noL apg.rir 1ee; noL troddns puu 'ecueplJuoc 'l'8raua Jo lunour aql
rvnrru {c
trolJe uec srqt op noL ,'vrog 'ppo.ra, drqsuorleleJuou oql olul pue drqsuoilelar eL[] ruor; de,r,le reqto rlJee rlcunl rautred rnod pue notr 'Surqcunel ;o edl'r e se;o tq8noqt aq uEJ-reAeJeI{.lr Jo 'looqcs 'Iro^a ol oB ol reqlegaa-reulred rnol. uror; Surte.iedas 'Suturoru qcea dn 8ur1e.t'r Jo tre el{t ol uouIPP ul
sLep leqr asolo pu uadc 'p-: 'os ue^A 'loorlls or spr>1 ru- slnau : ettlos uo eIEt ueJ 'sfrI :PUE
aLIt 'esl^Aelt-I'rt13ru te
sB
$ure; eqt
qlns 's4ser
1zt:--
Frrru GurorNc
The fifth principle of this book
use b edtime and morning r itual s.
will be met,
as well, because
until dren, pets, of guests in the house. They embrace and hold each other partner's body each feels the other relax. Because it's easier to feel tension in a
than in one's own body, they use this to their advantage. Rebecca points out
make to Mnce any places of tension she detects upon greeting him so he can an effort to release them. Vince does the same for her. Only after completing their welcome ritual do they go about their business. Not only they, but everyone in the household benefits from their attunement' I have seen many couples diffuse or resolve many conflicts by simply talc
i.
ing seriously the need for launching and landing rituals. We take too much
price for for granted when it comes to separations and reunions, and pay the not understaniling the natural human imperative to make and continually my remake secufe connections with our most important others. Don't take word for this. Check your own launchings and landings. Play with them. Perform them properly, and then improperly or not at all. Compare the differ'
ence. Experience for yoursel{.
i.:
ing to you). Don't let rh movie theater, so dc.n: your partner during cn'.
each 0f
can
Other suggesrinn.
see that happen! lf you embrace, d0n't let g0 until yOu feel the other fully relax. N0 skimping permitted. lt's not a timed event. peaceNotice how yOu feel after this brief ritual. ls your household m0re
fulP l'll be surprised if you don't find everyone, not just the two 0f y0u, benefits:
b.
Pray together.
(\c
9B
66
'8urxe1e.r eq osle
-.(e1d eq
ur
lI
:strJOU0q 'n0^ l0 0M1 ollt lsnf l0r -a.)Pod dJOru pl0uosn0Ll ,tn0\ .
'lLta \
,{11n1 reqlo oql laol no^ lttun no^ lrlun dols l,uoc 'ualJos prrp lllun FulI00l deal 'se,{e s,.taLlt0 0url 0rll Olul 'IJOM uOJl0L|oLl
rg
:epnlJur slentrr eunpeq ro; suortsaSSns Jei{to 'spueq ploH'sluetuotu pldnts ro '.{uun; 'leuoltorua Sutrnp reuued Jno^
le >loo'I '(eqa auo,{ue Surqrnlsrp tnoqe Luom t(uop os 'reteagl arrroru B ur tou ar,noL) ll tnoqe {lEJ 'er^oru ro urerSo,rd eqr Suunp slAretul
reln8er tB tJBluoc olur ot alns eg 'uaddeq tEI{t iel r,uoq '(nol^ oi 8ut (esrno? 'spuelsr) L}t,ulce Surlelosr uE aworaq uec dllsee slql
IVnJIU IWOH l
-raJJIp aqr aredtuo3 'lle te
'{lel tu,I
JO '^Bp er{} uro# u.rop purl( ot dezn e se 'reqlaSot allour ro rue.rSord AI e qcre,u ot a{ll Leru nod seurrleuros 'aldurexa rol 'so^lasJnoL ro; s1e auuPaq Jo stol eterc 'Fnlrr Jo ecrds erll sr ,{lauerl '7 -ntlr Sururoru
PUB
loli
ftu alel l.uoc 'stelllo tuEt.It-j Lllenunuoc pue a1eur ol a.\r-: ro; ecud aqr ded pue 'suorun:.
Ll)ntu oot
slet erN's1enrr.i::.
\urrr
'luaLL:-
'peq or lnd Suieq;o ecuauadxa aqt a^eq no[;o rlrog os slgBtu ]uaralJ1p uo surnl oIBt puv 't1qeq E srqt e{n 'paq o} reutred rnod lnd ot eurlt etlt puIJ uec noL 'ssalegtrene5l 'lao tr{81u e eq Letu no.{;o auo 'passncsrp a,t lo Jor{to er{t Jo auo
se
'elqrsa; s.{e.ra.1e t(usr tqt 'ecru ag plnoan rq8ru ,{reaa raqteSot deals ol Suro8 qBnoqlly 'peq ot reut;ed rnoL tnd nol uaqa,r ]geueq qtoq no
'I
loN 'ssaul
:slntrr Surpuei pue 8ur -qounel do1a.r,ap noL se noL aprn8 ot saldrcuud Suitroddns awos ere araH 'Sururour eqt ur Sursu uodn reqlo arit pue
erurtpeq te auo :dep rlf,a alqEIrE^E eJB sartrunlJoddo qcns oznl'nod uodn stsa.r
Ilrun rer{lo qrea Plorl PUE rr! -llt{c eql Sunae;8 ero1ag rarp-aJoJeq lno JeL[]o qla I03s
LIa-,
reutred rnod yo erJ e{et ot sartruntroddo Surpurs roJ uopJnq eqt (Je^a.ttoH 'reqtou auo Jo arc eIBt IIyK no^ Jo qroq esnereq t1e.u se 'toru aq III,I\
spaeu .rnoA 'drgsuorlelar Intnru l,1nrr e ur 'esJnof, ;g 'reurred rnoL Eurdleq tnogu alour pue;lesrnol Suidleq tnoqe ssel sr ]ooq srgl 'patets a^(I sV
'pa1JaLru@ Kpls oi. 'slpnflr.
'suoluneJ pue suorlEledes rrr'-' Sutue.te puu Sururour dofua , 'Sunq8r;;o s:n-.-.
reqraSor 1o selnurur ,reJ E atEr:
uolunar
sD lpftn sD
put him or her to sleep, so if that's not your intent, consider choos-
ing something else to do. Tickle your partner's back, draw pictures on your partner's back,
or play the "guess what word I'm writing on your back" game. Do
'
tionship. Your partner having an orgasm can give you a contact high. Endorphins, oxytocin, and vasopressin flow into both partners' bloodstreams, making you feel connected. Orgasms also are
a great muscle relaxant and antianxiety remedy.
b. Lie in bed together and gaze into your partner's partner with a loving "Good morningl"
c. Quietly talk with your partner about the day and what each of you will be doing, facing, or accomplishing. Use this time to remind one another of tasks, appointments, or agreements concerning
this day only. Make plans for the nighttime. Agree to meet in bed
at a certain time.
d. Give each other orgasms. This can work especially well as part of your morning and evening rituals if you and your partner have opposing sexual arousai patterns ("I want sex at night, and he wants it in the morning"). This way each gets what he or she
wants,
5. Wherever one goes, the other goes. For partners who share a couple bubble, this is true emotionally, even when it isn't always the case physically. It's kind of like running a three.legged race: if one person
falls, the other can't go anywhere. So you want to work as a team and
hold each other up. \7hen it comes time to separate, whether for the
100
TOI
r-L-.1
ulel
B SE IIOIA Ol
luE.\\
n--."
aldnor
aleqs oq,u
erls ro oq teq.u sto8 qrea .".-. r oq pue 'tqEp le xes tuE.\.' i.. aneq reut:ed rno.( puu
fl1 .'.
r,
-
;o rred
se IIe^\ dllercadsa
rji.
peq ut tJotu ot
aa;8y rtui:--r::'
a--* t
:'il
::-.--".
'Lle.ureurally'reul:ed ln..'.
:.-.
''{perua: -i-:::':-.
erB osl suseSrg 'Pellauu, r ' -llEd qloq olul \\oLJ ul::)l- -,
lcBluoJ e noL
a,Lt8
uul rusr.-:
.
oq
'IBed
.rer{ Jo srq
j:r -
-ued rnotr IIrJ ot selBt tI osla ro^eteg^\ oP Pue 'raqloue euo roj sEuIIeeJ JnoL tnoge s>lreurer Surrul;3eer eletu 'acergrue 'lJJuoJ e.(a ele7\1 3;o
-pues redord e reutred rnoL e.Lt8 ot
uleuer
e>1eru
ol
pEeJ euoeuros
euln
tsEl
CI
One
in love. But cn; both Brian and Marsha ret.::. leagues, and even on oca.-.:: l
are very much
ther:rse-
u.,
Marsha eats two mouthi* photo of you with this u'oma:"You hal a green plastic :up . Look, I don't care. I just u'ant :
'
i(
JIIS
lBql
uo e8ed B e^q no[ sueeru ]qJ la8ed s(puelg Jno^ tE Pelool no1 '8uDIJo.l.r -teu otur are^\ noL.trouq ua^a tpplp L, 'u^\op {JoJ slq sles uelrg ieroos (('l(toul ol luBA\ lsnl 1 'arec ],uoP I '.Ioo'I 'Jerl punore se.,rd urJB rnod pue 'pueq rnod ur dnc crlseld uaar8 e perl no ,, .ltueleqcuou sles eqs ,,'a8ed s,puatr; I'ut uo uEuIoA\ slql qll^'\ noL;o ologd
pe83er B .r\s L, 'satlder eqs eJoJeq peles Jo slnlqlnou o^\l slea BI{srEInl 'pasudrns 'dn s1oo1 ueug ,,2y13 leqr16,, ((letls 8ul{ro.^dleu IEIf,os lBql uo qllal no^,r,res 1 FrB aql sI oqlN,, 'sdes pue puqsnq rerl ot suJnt BqsJB/{ 'reuurp ot u^dop Eurttrs er,Leql se lr18ru eug 'srqt qlr.4d urelqord ,{ue sees JaqlIeN 'd.urd tou sB&\ rel{to eqt q3lq^a ol uollBlu -ro;ui peards a^Bq qtoq pue 'stercas rlegt a^BI{ qlog 'raglo eql ro; uosrad PEq (sa^lesueqt tnoqe slIBlaP elulllul ot-o8 dreruud agt se selJas Jeqtlau PUE Suuegs;o asodrnd eqt roJ elqqnq aldnoc rlel{t ep}stno srar{to ot Suto8 ol Peurol
-snrre ere rllog 'slstderaqroqcdsd e]Jedes uolsEf,so uo uola pue 'san8eal -1oc 'spueu; Jo ruJoJ arlt uI lesunoo u.tto rlaql uIEleJ ErIsJlAI PUE uelrg qloq :leru lsrrJ [eq] acurs Sut.r,rarq ueag setl tualqord euo lng 'e^ol uI gcntu dra,L ore uerlg pue eqsrel{ 'stunocce 11u [g 'd;essarau Jeleueq^\ s,tratidau Pu secelu
.rrer{t ol slua;ed eteSo.rrns alqrssod tseq Jqt se ur Sutpue:s or PUE-I A T sreerer r^nredser rarlt ol sr^lesuaqr pel.rluulor Aeqt 'sselpllt{t l/ \l V I
,tlleuorruerul's;eaL
o,Lleznt
raqlouv euo
ot elqelB^v urBurau ol
^aoH
:oldoed
oroo eql
9 UlrdVHf
"Nope,"
woman?"
that
Brian gives a short laugh. "You don't have to know everything about me,
either," he says, "do you?"
For a second Marsha looks taken aback. Then she joins his laugh. And
the issue is dropped...at least for the time being.
"'Why can't
persists.
I kno*- rl-re
-
savs
\1arsi,.c..
turn. Suddenly the life she seemingly breezed through is filled with uncertainty. She finds herself second-guessing her career choices, relationship security, even the decision not to have children. Talking with her usual circle of friends doesn't provide the level of support she needs. Perhaps the worst part is that, for the first time, Marsha and Brian find themselves constantly
quibbling.
that-as u'ith
:l :i..-:.
"I feel like I can't talk to you," she says. "I can talk to my sisters and my best friends. !7hy not you?"
One answer to Marsha's plea might be the simple difference that Brian is
Marsha's primary attachment partner. This makes him "deep family" in a way
trr-
If Marsha were to marry one of her best friends, we would if she could still talk as easily as she would like. Things change when a person is elevated to primary attachment status. However, it
could also be that Brian himself makes it difficult for her to talk to him. "Of course you can talk to me," says Brian with as much sincerity as he can muster. "You can talk to me about pretty much anything."
WHAT MATTTRS
T.r be sure, mosr of us hesir :
i:i.
--
"So then why don't you tell me stuff about yourself?" counters Marsha, putting aside her own pressing issues for the moment. "I know you keep things from me-things you tell your best buddies."
of mine once told me thar pe had traveled to this place ..: lament, if any, was about thei: : were sorry, or told sonreonc ... cioser. So if you're amons :
104
s0I
s8uiqr
dee>1
leql
pelFutuoc ot saurol tl uoq.\\ sctldels aql Suorue er,no,( Jl os 'resolc IeeJ ot elqe ueeq 1sn[ ro 'rer1 ro rulrl pe^ol ,{eq] euoetuos PIot lo 'Lllos alarrr Letlt pres peq Leql peqsr^d [ue14 'sdrilsuor]Elal rler{t tnoge se.tt tue JI '1uarue1 ro 'teql ro eceld slqt ot POIa^rl pBi{
Lauoru Jo tunourE srqt epetu Aagt Surgsr.r,r tnoq IIEI ro^au qteap reeu aldoed teqt oru PIot aruo aulru Jo rotueur V 'qleep fEau a.4d. se dllentua,ne uegi 'e;11 ur LFee tou;t 'uosrad raqlo euo tseel tB ot paraqte] aq ot peou eq] azrlver ol ur8eq snJo lsoul 'arns aq oI
'tulrl ol 1ll ol lorl lo-I lTr:l lr 'Je^eldoH 'snlEls lueuqlEtt: s8urql 'e1il plno.,tr eqs sE .\r.!
Le,tr e
sr
r::
,brlear ur ,,'erlr ot IIE1 s[e.tt1e uec no[,, 1o uol]ou eqt ot ecl^ras dq aar8 .lleuots uog tuoueq t.uoP
^el{l
Laql 'uoucauuoc ernJes Jo pull slt{t erBqs tou oP uelrg PUB erlsJEI 'slqSlu pue sdep rno q8norqt sn ta8 uec tetit Atllnf,es Pue tro;ruoc jo le^ol E IoeJ
a.^A-reoq dppar e ro '1put;o sse13 ure.u e 'ot>1uu1q E rltl.^A se-tegt trem e qcns ui petf,euuof, ueeru I 'paraqtat [g 'pue1 pue qcunel o] I{rlrl^\ tuor; aseq elnlas e Sur,req Jo (roqlou euo ot pereqtot Sutaq ;o 8uqea; B-^11sn33s Jo asues
tuetsrsuoo B sa^lesureqt roJ atearl ol suBeur oqt $ sloel eldnoo stqt teqlN
,,'lJ
rlrlll
1r
,{11euq
dlqsuorrele; 'secroqr laal:-'t : -lrrun qlt,t\ PrllU .t q;n.'.r11- : -u,rop lrurouo)J uE Bur:rrp : -. tI 'el{srejnl puE uei-Ic :
cMulHrll
':-
LIsreJ .il.roul spuer{ rnod s8unll aures eqt ,$ouI I t,uec ,{qr1t,, 'e8euletu raq urqtr.r\ Surrelar 3o Le,tl regtoue {eos ot ratl Surqsnd sI sIsIrJ
puy
r\oui a l
leuosrad u,4,1o req,r.ou tng 'oot 'teqt qtrA\ elqtJoJurof, uaeq seq eqsreyq 'sreed a^la.r\l lsed atll .roC 'sale^\ pue spuelsr :io lllslretcereqr sI tlrlrl^\ 'sdrqsuotl rdel Suteq sBulqr ;o
-Eler
ere.r,r aldoed 3r
Suuoq eq plno^,\,
a>111
lurqr
'ale,u,rd dael or
I?
in the face of fundamental uncertainty. More recently, we have turned to psychiatry and psychology and pharmacology for answers, or at least to feel better in the meantime. Sweat lodges, meditation, climbing mountain peaks,
and trekking to the North Pole are among the means used by seekers. But what really do we have to sustain us as life becomes more complex
and losses mount as a natural consequence of living longer? Perhaps it is being
sls2
(r,'"'h
in romantic love. This accounr: the infatuation phase of a reL:: mine are plentiful in the inia:'.
mitter, is in low supply. Hence romantic love.
tethered to at least one other person who is available at our beck and call; one person to whom we can reach out, whom we can touch, and by whom we can be touched in return. I submit to you that the most powerful sustenance available to us is another person who's interested and who cares. He or she serves
our go-to person, the one individual we can always count on to be there for us. Being available in this way is perhaps the most valuable gift you can give
as
another.'$7e could
sa-v
the\' ?-:.
wave partners, on the othei :-. These couples remain an\i( -.: : and do not easily and u'rlirnsi,,
your partner.
in
In early childhood, our go-to person hopefully was our primary caregiver. adulthood, the go-to person should be our primary partner. Unlike our
early caregivers, our adult partner relies on the benefits oftethering in exactly
the same way we do; that is, equally and mutually. In other words, whiie our early tethering was one-way, or asymmetric, our adult tethering should be
symmetric.
EXERCISE:
Go
Before you commit to berng tirt
If you are an anchor you already know all of this, so please bear with me. If you are an island or wave-especially what I've termed (in chapter 3) a wild island or wild wave-we have some chatting to do. The idea of tethering is problematic for you, isn't it? If you're an island, you probably don't believe
much in tethering. After all, you are good by yourself, and others can be such
If you're a wave, you believe in tethering, but it's a rather childish and one.way kind. You want to be tethered, but you either don't expect it in return or are unwilling to give it in return.
a bother.
106
LOI
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cjll suM luaJed LlcrqM 'luaJPd P Jl i(lMuJc u0A0 J0) unJ n0^ plp ru0LlM 0I'J0quouoJ uuc nOI su JUJ ,{;ree ;no,{ ur a;doed oroF aqt lnoqu lutLlt pue JoJ
tuauou
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puB Pu]sl 'reqtou euo L[]r^(r raqlel o] PerI^\ ar deqr Les plnoc alN 'roqlouB auo qtr^\ xeler pue u.{\op tulJ dylpear or alge ere Aaq; 'pecnpord sI uluoloJes
tunor
s.ie.n1r
aH
elel{-storlcue
Llqelou-eseqd Pallles
'3AOI JBUurOJ
'oJnros alour otur pue esegd drgslrnoc aql puo,(aq tl sleur og.r,r saldno3
uf,
euo
sE
;o lradse parrJo.r\ pue 'snorxue 'a,l,tssesgo eql ecueH 'Llddns ,!L0l uI sr 'ra111ur -sueJtornau Sururler 'uruotoJas 'urerq palentBJul aqt u1 1n;pue1d aJe eulul e;o aseqd uoItBntBJuI el{l
-edop pue eurlBueJpeJou q8noqlly 'dlqsuorrelar
Jo Jrtsrle]f,Ereqc os sartrlenb e^rtcrppe aqt JoJ stunorce
IeeJ
ol lsEal lE Jo
pete^rlr ere osle '(pecnpord sr aururedop ereqat) ea:r- loluau8ai lDJ,ruaft egl se qcns 'sror,teqeq uorlrrppe ur pe^lo^ur ere tEI{l uIJq eqt Jo sBeJE aruus eql Jo auros 'aururedop pue eurleueJpeJou sE r{Jns 'seuouuoq pue slalllulsuBJloJneu
drotetrcxa ur qsE^\E eJE surerq ,seldnoc 'drqstrnoc Suunp leqt lrodar (ggg7 sen8eelloc raq pue 'elol ouuruor uo reqcreser PUB u^dorg pue 'uory 'raqsrg) 'lou ro"'Suueqlet [sea rol dn sn ]as uec rsrSolodorqrue IErJos e 'ragsrg ualoH
'uror.r
1r.,.
urerq eqt 'sle.tr8erec Lreunrd dpea rno.{q pa.{e1d alor eqt or uoEIppE uI
be-if
she '
In a secure relationship'
:-.
.
3. As yoLr recall ihese incidents, see if you also can remember t0 what degree you felt safe with yOur g0-t0 people. could you count on themp 0r
were there iimes when your g0{0 people let you downP Perhaps a particular g0{0 persOn who repeatedly let you downP lf s0, were you able to
fincl a new g0-t0 person with whom you felt saferP
t:J' know each other. Their gLrai :: : ship. Even if this is not fr':::r-: truly are with each other. Tl.',
and grant permission to
be go-to people for each
4.
Finally, ask yourself what your relati0nship is tOday with the most important g0-t0 people from your childhood. Are you still in clOse toLtchP Do you
'h.:.
coni:: :.:.
want to avoid this. By contrast, let's l.'rii ..: : everything, no matter hr*,-' ::,:gets them into trouble.
us?
If you're an island, like Brian you're probably thinking, "Shouldn't some things be private?" In an insecure relationship, the automatic answer would be yes. It would make sense to keep to yourself anything that might cause trouble with your parrner or jeopardize the sense of being able to do whatever
you please, with whom you please, whenever you please. For example, although
108
60r
q8noqrle 'aldtuexe rog 'ese:i: re^atBrl,4(\ op
'.t\ou)I l(usooP reulJed aql SunI^uE IEe^eJ Pue 'sacuelurenbce ^Peelle [prue; ro 'spueu; ro 'ur8uo;o raq ro srq o] oB 1p,,rr reqlreN 'L,Lud tou sr reutred aqt qcrq.& lnoqe Surgtetuos roq ro urrq IIot pue lsrde.regl lenpr^lpul ue ol oB III^\ reqtreN'reutred eqt Sururro;ur tsrrj tnogtr.^A
:.
plno^\
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o1
suEeur
rl puv
tI
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tr ueour t.useop asnuord stql Surletu Lldruls 'L11ernle51
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.
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ot
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euoeuros Surle.tele 'seLe
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rdacxa) uraqt tnoq Surqtlra,r.e s.uou) uosrad euo oN 'aldoed luare;1p duetu Suowe se^lesrueqt pea.lds ue4o 'pueq reqlo er{t uo 'se.tem pue spuelsl 'rerlto qcea ro; eldoad ol-o8 aq
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01
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rrl'
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aprsur n0I
1001
JOtltPit ri.l ,r
re,la,trog-sdlqspuerg asorp dn a,r.r8 ot a^eq plno^\ aq eJoJererlt pue 'q8noue urlq ]snrt t.useop eqs prUB sr eH 'ueruo,^A reqlo qrrm sdnlspuerg srr{ tnoqe sletap urEtref, req ruog sdael eq 'eqsreyrq ot InJqtlBJ tuecrad 00I $ uerrg
^oql
: pallpt :.,: i; .,
,,
:,-:: :
fear-how to do
AuxILIAR\
One way ru thir.i
sent two separate
FF--
delicately?-going to the bathroom in front of each other also fear telling each other everything. I haven't done any hard research on this; it's simply anecdotal evidence. Certainly, plenty of partners who don't tell each
say this
other everything have no such inhibitions. But the reverse seems true enough.
I've also found this to be the case for partners who fear breathing on each other or anything else that feels too private. But let's return to our couple.
"Yeah? Tell me about it," David says with interest.
as an extension of n-ii .
.,,
-.
"l
was
was realiy
unkempt. She smelled. I thought, 'How does a person get like that?' Really, it was repulsive. I almost shifted into another line to get away from her. But then
she turned and gave me a warm smile as she put down one of those dividers
J.;.:.-.. This notron r-ri r.\r. : . - Donald Winnicurr rl j: viding a shared-nrinl -: ,:.
elude nre if I uere
. :
to separate her food from mine. I felt really ashamed of myself. She was so sweet. And I had no clue. Has anything like that happened to you?"
"Nope," David replies flippandy. "But my day was uneventful. I just masturbated and waited for you to get home." They both laugh.
"You are so weird," says Eden. "Yeah, but I'm your weird," he says. 'And don't you forget it."
inr: :.-
Quite simpi-v, nvo b:-.,::., effect, lend and horr, : - at least momentrrili
'i
On another occasion, after coming home from work, Eden informs David that a coworker came on to her at the office. She doesn't mention his
I !
not because
she's
reeking of cigarettes.
particularly matter to David. In fact, he jumps straight to a different question. "What did you do about
r.:.r,'
.-.',
"I told him I'm happily married," Eden replies, giving David
a kiss.
"l
"How creepy," David continues. "Is he going to be a problem?" "No," says Eden. "Don't worry. I can handle him."
Because this couple are accustomed get straight to the point, which
plaintively.
they don't spend time entangled in jealousy or issues of trust. They are able to
110
III
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EXERCISE:
This one is for those of \oLt
\,,
Or take a different example. Charlotte and Toby, a couple in their late fifties, find themselves with increasing responsibilities for two sets of aging parents. Late one night, after they have gone to bed, Helen receives a phone call from her father, who explains that her mother fell in the bathroom and is now on her way to the emergency room with a suspected broken hip. Charlotte gets dressed, then wakes Toby. "Mom needs me," she says, and explains she is driving to the hospital. She kisses him goodbye, but Toby is swinging his feet to the side of the bed. "I'm coming with you." "Really?" she says. "I thought you have an early meeting." "Don't worry, I'll call in if it looks like I might be late," he says. "You'll have your hands full with your dad at the hospital, especially if your mom
needs surgery."
unless you are brain dead. tl you're game, try this little e\r
.1.
2.
"Oh,"
'At
Charlotte. "Dad's still at home." home?" Toby echoes, shooting her a look that says, "'What are you
says
thinkingl"
"Mom went in the ambulance," she explains. "It was too much for Dad to
manage with his walker."
I'11
"I'll take the spare key and let myself in. If he's sleeping, I won't disturb him. But if he's up-or when he gets up-I'll make sure he takes his meds and
has something to eat. Then
"Yes," says Charlotte, quickly getting onboard with the plan. "That would be so helpful. And if there are any new developments with Mom, I'11 text you
right
away."
"I'11 be
one another.
Charlotte fishes in her purse and hands Toby the spare key to her parent's
house. "What would
I do without
"I
was
When
say 2417,1
r12
4""
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'as1a
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THI
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Oql
no,4.
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'I
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'os!3JOXO Alllll slql z{;l 'eLuBF al,noA 'putur s,{u,m1u s,oJ0tll 'puep ulpJq e;e no,{ ssolun uo rno,{ Fulrltauos t.lllm puodse; ,{lquqord no^ .iFul
olll Furrlteuos
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01
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SNYIg
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DNII]IdS :TSI)UTXI
(('Jelleq rl3nur os sI
tuetuaer8e
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Surrunsse
sLrn-.i
I can wake you up, and you wiil be there to help me without any feeling of resentment. Why? Because I must do the very same for you, if not in that situation, then in other circumstances when it likely will be inconvenient for me. That is our agreement. It is our assurance to one another that we aren't
day, alone, that we have a tether to one another. We do this for each other because we want to. We do it because we can. And because we appreciate how loved and secure it makes us feel. \il/e wouldn't ask it of anyone else, and nobody else
EXENCISE: Mnp
So you and your partner lrare
this working out for VouP Lsr i actually use each other as e,o-t your own or as a coLrple.
Now, does this mean everybody should expect to be able to instantly contact his or her partner each and every time? Of course not. If you have that itch on your nose and your partner is hlgh over the Atlantic on a business trip, you're unlikely to phone the airline. However, the point is that couples should Gel secure in knowing they can reach out to their partner at any lime, anywhere, and their partner will be receptive. Moreover, this availabiiity
works both ways.
nei$hbor's Ieettaqe''
parents.
..
0r it miBht
l-re i
IT,S
..
Partners
ther
each other benefit in ways nobody outside the bubble can. To be sure, main-
tenance of this agreement can feel burdensome at times, but the effort is well
worth the trouble. Partners who expect one another to be available 7417 are
and should be considered high maintenance.
3.
In our culture, being labeled high maintenance usually is considered a -lypicalln pejorative. men speak about a woman as high maintenance if they
see her as demanding attention, overly concerned about her appearance, or
pa.1
\r
hard to please. This is not what I mean here. I am speaking about two people
who are willing to go the extra mile for each other. They are willing to put in the highest level of effort possible, for their mutual benefit. They are willing
to give freely, knowing they will receive the same in return. They are high
maintenance because they expect their partner to be at their beck and call.
and your parlnerP Are a.r your charts and see ii rori
If
I seem to be belaboring the point, it is only because I'm aware that what I'm
114
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SII
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slluqc lno,{
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r? ur
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11
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rno,{ 3o 'eldoacl ot-oF ,fuutuud s,Jotllo tlcuo oq ot peorFu eneq no,{
ll
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pur? aJos JoJ qnJIcEq
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0rll
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sr MoH 'eldoed ot-oF s,;eqto qcuo aq o1 paetfie enuu ;euuud rno,{ pue no,{ og
o1
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\l:
Eurlee; ,(ue lnoqtr.u eru dleq r.t eql lnog snorxu ur(I osnefsJ
are nol;1 'aldurexe ro; 'og 'aru srql ,,;nol, ruo.g JEeq ot l
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-uortBler .uoq rnoqe suorldrunsse JISEq rno Jo euros ol JelunoJ sunr Sutqtrcsep
It is easier to hold to
:-
might want t0 changep For example, when one couple compiled their charl, she discovered he had gOne t0 his mother about organizing his
dad's birthday party several days before he mentioned it t0 his partner. He apologized for this oversight and promised t0 keep her more informed about his side of the family in the future. He then pointed out with a smile
at
hc,'u,
to',r'ithhi-,
that he could have fixed the stuck drain himself if she had asked him
before she called in the handyman.
It can be mutual-',
larly. Remember the
you, darling" or all yours, 2417" can
"\o,;.
r.-..
'"
need c',i.'-':-:.
tain a tether to one another experience more personal safety and security, have more energy, take more risks, and experience overall less stress than couples who do not. When you commit to serving as a go-to person for your
partner, you open the door for your partner to do the same for you. Then you
full atterLlLr:r.
both can enjoy free and unencumbered access to one another in terms of time and of mind. In this way, you build synergy in your relationship, such that you
are able to operate together in ways that are greater than
in
:::
as
If you recall, this notion of "two can be better than one" was our descriptor of an anchor in Chapter 3. Our sample anchor couple, Mary and Pierce,
acted as go.to people for each other and explicitly stated that they could tell
each other everything. Similarly, by agreeing to become go-to people for each
i,, ri
other, you and your partner can take a giant step toward ensuring that you become anchors for one another. Here are some supporting principles to guide you:
relationship comes
.,\'r::.-,.
116
LII
'spJe.r\et lBrluolod aLIl erB os lnq 'r3q8iq eq
rotllo qf,ea
:no.t aFI
'ecer8^eul Sur,res aql seu Jo e^eq reutrBd Jno^ pue no^ suoltet3edxa eg1 uroraq lng 'rautred,(reuud.rnoL qlr.tt e:ueuedxa noL ssauln;paau pue
'rtcuapuadep 'uortetcedxe;o suaPlnq arues eqt qlI^A sautoc drqsuotlelar eq r,uoP lng ',{elt }Erll ruees Leru 11
2rq8u'a1ec;o
acerd e
rno.( ot Sutlela,r qltnn peredruor 'lie relv sr sreqto ol Surtelar 'raul.red noL aldoed erout li,noL ernJes alour eql 'uoddns ;noL ol d11er uer
'1ee;
notr 'Surueleerql ool ruees ,{eur uosred euo uo tV 'pereqtal aq ol Paou rnoL ezruEocag 'g
L[3Ee
aq ot speeu eqa Surgllra^e ]eql uollerlPul ue eq lq8tur srnoL ur spueq s.lauued rno,4. qroq 8ur1er 'aldurexa rol 'uollualle 1n; rnoL seq leql raulred rno.( ol elecrunululof ol ernlse8 uJBlref e alBuI
erls Jo aq
aq
ol
a^Eq
luop
^\aJ
sleu8rg
E
peeu I lnq
eq 'ecuelsur ro; 'puelsr ue sr reulred rno[;i ']f,eluoJ Jo Peeu uI e;e no.( Jeqto qcee tal ot sLe,tr e^Eq ot InJdlgq rl PuU.{eru raulred rno.( ^\oul pue no.( 'L11eniur LllertedsE 'reutred rnoL tllrm sleuErs or-oE dole,Laq '7
ill(
'JoutJed .rno[ elout uea t.Llbz'srno.( 1Ie uec no1, ro ,,8urpep 'no,{ elotug el{l Jaquieruag '[pe1
al
llel
lI
;lesrnoL ploqqrh\ ot pardurer eq rq8rru nod qcrq^\ ur suoltBntls due elpueq ot sl,e,u urrolsuiBrg 'Jeqlel
LlltM
srqt Sururetureru tuog tl;eueg ot puets no.( ,troq lB PUB nod salecs ter1^\ ]E r1toq >loo1 'reutred rno^{ ot parerltet Suraq lnoqe 1ee; nod ,uot1
ssncsrp tq8rru nod 'elnt Jo puelsr uE sr no.(;o ouo JI 'suolleplderr ro 'suorllrseq 'acuetslseJ [ue ecro.t o] aJuBr.[J e no.( sa,u8 osle sIqI
i.. :
ilepu|:,.:
'ur rq8noq
a,r.eq
_
.
'tueruotu aqt Jo leei{ agt ur 'rete1 tuetueer8e u ol PIor{ ol reISEe sI U ua}o SuuBts,{11eturo; ttlt
'qdruoo papp rl sa^u8 tuarueer8e
leql
PUIJ
'l
want him or her to make you feel safe and secure, loved and cared for. But how? What do you actually want and need from your primary go.to
person?
This is a question I can't and wouldn't want to answer for you. You must do that yourself, or with your partner, for the answer to be meaningful. However, I can report what I have observed among happily tethered couples. These partners are there for each other's deep emotional needs. This means being able to share and discuss all their feelings, worries, concerns, and
doubts,
as
well as all the joys and emotional highs. It means sharing old secrets
At
the same time, these partners are available 2417 for things that to anyone else outside the relationship might seem trivial or not worth a moment's time:
anything from the way your toenail is growing in, to the sound the ice maker in your refrigerator makes, to the latest joke someone sent you in an e-maii'
human. :--.
we are basLc.-
.r],'e
r r.
:-
r,hile r: j--.
r---.
.,
rc-:.. l dent upon our abiiitr r,. :. - -' with whom to form an ai'--:
whom they can run u'hen
some, we look ro one Fc:: always a
,:..'.
.:. :-
third ro be touni , objecrs, third tasks. or an'. r.-... make it difficult ro form .'r. J
inJaws, other extended ran:.
'.
Thirc i:-
118
AI
(setue8
oapr^ (selqqoq
'>po.r,r eq uec s8urq] prtql 'sre8uerts uela puB $ue; papualxe rerllo 'sme1-ur
'uarppqc apnlcu uec eldoed plql 'eldruexa roC 'euo urroJ ot tlncIJJIp ]I eleul ro elqqnq eldnoc E uo epnuur plnoc teqt esle Surgldue ro 's1set prpp 'srca[qo prrgr 'a.1doad prlqt ueeur I pl?W e dg 'ereqtraruos punoj eq ot Prll{t e sde,r,t1e
sr ararlt 1nq 'o,lrr1 aq.fuur alN 'Piro^\ er{l uI euol
lou
erE seldnoc sB
e.^a
lal
roJ sreqlo
IF
ol
-o^\t llnpe srqr q8norql 'patlcxe ro ured ut Jo paJBJs ueq,t\ unJ uec Laql uoq.^d. ot .4d.ou{ uerpliqf, SunoL se gcnur 'dnlsreurred rlnpe ue uroJ ot utot{^\ qll^\
uosrad euo asoor{r e16'uosrad auo ot poraqlet eruoJaq ot
-uadap sr Jno 'pessnJsrp a^.ald sy 'dtqsuonelar rnoA ol IBnuEuI s.Jeulao ^]unJes eql;o lcedse tuEtJodlur Lran e sr seruosesJql PUE sawoso.4Al Jo JeDeu sIqJ .{lptlsnlcxa JoJ peeu pue }o enle^ aqr SulpuersrePun apq \ 'seruoso
^tIIqE
\t ratlto
urJoJ ot sn s^\ollB tees>lceq E e>let ot Llqrqe srqr pue 'stuared rno PunoJe leel{,tt
prlqt
se-rede-rd
E eq ot uJeal elN 'euroo ot eJow PUE 'sauloslno; 'seuroseerq} ro3 sn ^{\oq 'sed 'eru1t eqt tE Jeununq E s(ll 'eulll ol eu4l ruog dlqsuou
osl
ll lng
lE ureel
-EieJ e^rsnlf,xe neql Jo lno pezeenbs Suraq ldecoe pue re^o elour ot e8e Sunod e e,l.r. 'uonuele s(Jaqtour rno JoJ seladuroc 'reqlel e se Ipns 't1npe raqloue
l] 'saluosolY\l Jolllo ol lno qJuBrq Pue leqlow qutq lno qll^\ eulos A A -o,r\.1 B sB lJels elN 'saLlroso,r\l ruJoJ ori.r\ seJnleelf, Lllecrseq al 3 \ /\ / t V L
tnq's>1oed ur unr reqr sleurlu eg or seuu re readde Leu; suerung e
-:'
:elUIJ S.IUOUIOIU E
asla euo,{ue
!'. ,' ,
ol leu:
lv
'sorsEluEj
fur i]
;: -r '--- :_: - _: .
srePlstno oPnlcul
sueour
sterJes p1o 8ur:eqs su::'-- :- : pue 'sulef,uof 'se::- . '. :: srrll 'sP.ru 'i _ _ .-;-
ol /KoH :elgqng
eldno3 eqt Surlcetord
/ ulrdvH)
lsnul
no
'no.i rol
ol-o8 Lreurtrd rno-'' rrr- -- :;; 'loj pJrEr Pu Pe.\cl :::::: : 'raulred Jno uroJ-i fr?r : r -: j: -i; . suorlelredxa lno ln.-
it r, :r'
.
c',ther. -l
with the same toy. Larcr ::.r rhirds-as well. If aJulr c.',:.:can deduce that their amba.r...
Waves also can fall
un:r.
-.
.
their relationship. A good couple therapist can spot this pattern immediately by noticing how partners talk about other people, and most strikingly, how they talk about each other in front of the therapist. These folks constantly
marginalize their primary partner. They betray one another by forming exclusive and excluding pairings with other peopie and things. For example, one
partner might take his sister's side over his partner's side, while the other partner is more wedded to her wine than to her spouse. Both form unholy alliances with their children. Neither serves as the go.to person for the other, or is dedicated to the other's safety and security. They are either unable to
form or unable to maintain a true couple bubble. To be sure, these are not bad people. In fact, they are norrnal, everyday people who simply have never developed productive ways of relating to
ing a partner whom rher ;.: bringing a rhird person in: :. they shuttle between the r:,r-: endless friction and srrii.. :
hiding.
Partners who don't kn,:',', themselves continuallr- des:-:: run into particular troutle -,..,-.
outsiders-people and things outside their twosome. They aren't wired for
secure love. These partners may be either islands or waves, or they may simply be young and inexperienced. Perhaps their own parents at times broke their
p.::.t
couple bubble and inappropriately let their children in, setting the stage for
later ccJnfusion.
OvrnecrtvE PRttvttttvES,
UNDERACTIVE AMBAS SADORS
Having overactive primitives and/or underactive ambassadors can make it difficult for couples to include outsiders in their relationship. If an island's
he or she may be threarci:::.. inability of part ners to etic.;L'. . is reciprocal in nature. Many clf the couples tiairthreatening thirds. See it i,'u , and find which ones.
120
IZI
s(pue]sr
el(no^ sratder.lc eq] q8nollt oB uel no^JI ees 'sprlqt fgvgelerll par ^peerle Surlpueq ;o qol rood e op >iooq slq] uI PernleJ saldnoc eqr ;o duel4 'aJnleu ur IEcoJdIf,eJ
SI
SUO
sde.ule tsourle onp rreqt uI sreplstno epnlrul {e.tuce;e ol sreulred;o trrlpqeur 'reuuBru arues er{} ut drtlsuorteler oIJl Surualeerql aq deur eqs lo eq
erll
,^Aoq acrtou ot Surddots lnoqtl.{\ 'tolqt e se sa.\raclad oqs Jo eq Suiql ro uos:ed prlr{] er{t uo sssnroJ pe-,tel]eq Suqaa; raulred eqr t11ens11 'ruelqord aql st sr{l ol arnllej atil uo
ro; e8els aqt SuDlas (ur uelFi: Jreqt e{orq seurn tB stua:ed: Lldrurs deru daqr lo 'sele.t :o s
JoJ pell/r\
fpere Laql
'otuLrs,--.
lo
ol
depLra,r.e
t:'
:'
.
Laq; 'acrlou s(tueurour B t pauorqtaP eq uBc 'qlog sarulleulos Pu 'lueled regtra 'uu8erlr rreqt oI 'uerpl1qJ e.teg Laqr uarl^d elqnoJl rBInJIlrd olul unr uei;g '3uo1e eruoc oq.lrr sraqto dq paalqersep Lllenutluoc sellesuteql
.{aqr purJ euroso,{At rreqt otul sprlql Suuq
ol
^\oq
l,1oqun urJoJ
ot elgun Jaqtre ale iar11 '.,'lJr.[.lo JLI I .ro; uos.red o]-.a - _ rltog 'esnois ::',
otur raqtrn; sropsseqrue eql Sutpuas L11ectd.& 'e;pls pue uoIlJI{ sselPue ot spee] re.u-;o-8nt srql 'reulred reqt pu pxqt eqt uee^\leq eiunqs letp 'Jeuueru Suruetearqtuou B uI dlqsuouelet rler{l olul uosrad Pnql B Sut8uuq Jo petsul 'Surtoefar ro alqelle^Eun sB allocred ,{aqr ruoq.,'r Jeu]Jed e 8ut
-qsrund;o sueeru
E sE
reqlo aqt el1q.{\ 'op}s s,l:;i--: auo 'e.1druexe rog 's8urqi p-_--.
-n1oxa Sururo; Lg:aqtou: :'_-' ,{ltuersuo: sllo; e(aL{f L: -: ,
rreql'splgr
se e1d
pu: :':
ialpred ur
e8e8ua o] sPuBIsI
ueql
^laTII L1a4t ssal ere deql 'se,Lrtrurtrd rlerlt Jo ,{e,ns agl laPun IIJ uer osle se^q1\ laqr ,(q pepEoJlIBJ Sureq a;e sJopesseque rlaqt ]Eqt acnPeP UEJ
e.n 'Ae1d leliered [11er]uassa sI terl^A uo puedap seldnoc rlnPB JI 'lle,^A
olul Jalue
ue.Le
Latlt r:cr:
se-sPrlql
Cu
apnlJur ot elqu er,.{er1t ;ate1 'dol etus aqt qtl^\ -saleuLeld Iuonrppe liqecrrue deld or ureai uarplqr o.trl 'reqraSor Sulield ]E tdepe aruocaq Leqr 'eJnteru slopsseqrug Jreqt pue e8e uerpprlc sV 'ralpo qcea SutEe8ua tnoqtl.t\ tnq tor u^\o rreqt qtr^\ qcea 'ruooJ etues eqr ur regreSol deld uerplltir lre^es 'eerqt ro o^\t pe8e uarplqt t
Suorue lecrdLr rsour sr rr pue '[n14
7a17vnQ
11et
'splqt : :
!
Suno[Lren
'teulred qlr.^
ol
{e>111 sr
tt
'11egtoor srl-,r
'raqle8ol
a311
rno,i otur,.,J:
'_
ourrl ur{t Surxelar erour pue re3es sI-uoItf,IPPe uE ro '.(qqog e to '1lo.tr tr aq-prlqt slqt qtm tueds erui] 'sanrlrtuud eql oI'{sel ro }cafqo ue uo snroJ o] erll Surpunos {luelsuoc ele se,ulrturrd
'ru,re1e
,(i1see eg
31Sng
-r:
;h.
'
You may not think 0f them as outsiders because you're all in the same family, but they are Outsiders with respect t0 y0ur twosOme.
..
2. Other common thirds are friends with whom you engage socially.
together.
When
you and y0ur partner socialize with anOther couple, they cOunt as a third
nr'"rr.:.: role of third wheel in s.:'-c ,' nasry hahits, addicti.,n. : .. and remain bad to the si:t.-,,.
people and things bect n-.e relate to that third.
3. And d0n't f0rget thirds that aren't people. What activities do you and your
partner do that function as thirds in your relationshipP As you make a list of your thirds, notice which are included effectively within your relationship. How do you feel in the presence of these thirdsP What makes for smooth relating with them from the vantage point of your couple bubbleP
Ii t-:r. :-.:.: or downgraded a. a reru.: : person or thing n'ill l-cl $7hen Klaus reali:.: : -:
.
that she diJ not share r:r.. frequently, and Klaus qr.-",,
:,::
:,, "l dont want hir announces the lra. inr .-,him here at all
anr rrr,
--
IN-LAWS AS THTROS
For most couples, inlaws come with the relationship. Initlally, these
are
:.
'
"He's m1 dad."
.he
for him, I
r,ruulJn
r r;
v.
'::
parents-inJaw and siblings,in-1aw, but later on they may include daughters-inlaw and sons.inlaw. The examples I've provided here are of the former type; however, the principle is the same for both.
Rememberl Besides.
l-. -
--
.:
r.:r .:-'..:
:
.
l.ur "\.
rl-r . .:
. ..
-
in their thirties, have two young children. is very close to her father, now widowed. In the first years of
"\7ith
you, yes."
122
tzt
,,'se^ 'no^ qtJlN,,
ul
.p3^\oF
'
..lau,
qlrl\
'lltupe ot a^q no1,,'sesned eqs.('eru so^ol ei{ esrnoJJo lng'noL sa111 [ppeq,, 'Sunuoc sr s^\ou{ ags tr{8r1 aqt roJ Suuedard 'sutre rerl sassorJ euuzns
,,'nod 8ur,L1o.tur Surqt[ue
NI T
iedLl reruoJ eqt Jo aJE eler{ -ur-srerq8nep epnlJur,{eu .ra_
Lllercedsg 'op 18urqrlra,te;o se,r.orddeSrp eH,, 'slmor8 snel;1 ,,'noL plo] e.t,1,,
,,;noL ot ouop JoAo eq seq Surql elquroq teq,r 'seplseg lrequerueU 'troddns noL Burqletuos sr rlorq.r 'Iro,t\ ot aiqB oq t.uplno,\\ I '.rulq roJ lol
e auoP s,eq snld,, 'suessB egs ,,'pep [tu s,e11,, ,,'arotu,{ue IIe lE aJarl turq
luem .!1ear r,uop I 'tce; u1u 'rauulp JoJ rerlleJ req petl^ul ser1 eqs serunouue auuezns ueqm s.{es snel;1 ,,'lq8ruot JeAo Sururoc urn.[ ]uB^A luop L,
:srql e{u Surqleuros popunos suollesJeluof JIerlI
d11tue1
aloJ s(,4del-ur-reqteJ srq pJe^\ot elltsorl dlSursearcur me;8 snel;1 pue '{luenber; pen8re Leql'tesdn pue dr8ue euJecoq eq'tulq qtl^\ tslg arqs tou plp aqs 1Bq1 rel{teJ rerl qtr.a\ sreDeur ate.{ud Euueqs
sE,^A
euuBZnS pazIIEoJ
snei) ueqlN
Surgr ;o uosrad
,{lenrloage popnlcLlt
'patBq euroJeq
1p'r,r
prrrlt teqt erns eq uec noL 'uorsnrtul s(pJrgt aqt Jo tlnseJ e se peperEu,r\op ro
petourep sr elqqnq aydnoc aqt ur uonrsod s,reutred euo JI 'prri{t teqt ot etelal srautred ,roq uo Surpuedap e,uteBeu ro a.Lrtrsod ourorag s8urgr pue eldoed eplstno tsour tBr{t puelsrapun tng 'reutred peurlepls eqt ot peq urureJ pue lJo tJEts tBr.[] 'eldoed elqrlroq gtMd suonBrlrgE PUE 'suoncrppe 'sljqer{ dlseu
s qcns 'erns eq ol 'suortdecxa aJ alaql ',4,e,n auros ur laeq,\\ pJrrlt Jo eloJ eql uo a{l Jeq ro ullq Sutleru 'reqlo aql sazrleurEreru reuued euo esnEleq
pJlr.ll
t
r,
loi JrlO
\\l
'
-s8urgr
Llleraue8 s,t1 'a.tile8au auof,eq JI 'sau;ed I1B ot Ieuneu se JJo trets Lllensn ^aqr ro aldoad reqteq.{\-sprrrlt :srqt tnoqe realc Araa eq oJ Jlasurq reqte;
s.auuezns t.usr
"-r_
uy
'drqsuorlelar rraqt ur
Iearl.4\ oB
,,
erlt uoos 'iltJrq s,pllqc erlt eroJeq trnb p,aqs qoi eqr te erun ued lro,r\ ot lrq plnoc eqs os dlag Surrrrslqeq roJ req]EJ req uo Surrlec petrEts auuBZnS pue
i,
'relppor sE.{\ pIqJ puoces s.euuezns pue snBI) ueq^\ pernos drqsuouelar srqt 'ra^te.trog'qlog ot tsoJoturJo tcefqns e 'scr]r1od tnoqe suorssncsrp 3uo1 peq
^\EI.ur.JorlrBJ
'e8eureru
csculHl unQ
LETTING THE R]
Perry and Landa, anorher
"Then why do they always want grandpa?" she counters' "They run to him for hugs-"
night supper. The guests rncl-i: husband, and their young cirr,.
"I can't believe you're comparing me with your dad' saying he's a better
father than I aml"
"Just saying."
"Like he was a stellar father to you, right?" Klaus rages. "Everything you told me about him never being around, being abusive to your mom and you, drinking too much-you call that good fathering? I've never screamed at the
kids."
history with Landa since 'be:,Perry approves of the sister's :, with her when the child i. ::-., However, over the Fdr: :-'.
strategy for dealing u'ith
arises. They agree to srick
::-n--i
=.
and maintaining an "us an* :-. needs to leave the roorr or qr.-
Klaus's voice drops. "You know, I dont feel much like your husband right
now. It kills me that you'd rather have your dad here than me." Suzanne frowns. "No, I want you here. You know that. I just want you to
be civil to my dad. If you can't do
the kids?" "Does that work both ways?" Klaus demands. "What will you do when he starts criticizing me in front of our kids? Or wants to tell me how to relate to my own family? What then?"
Suzanne stands up, signaling an end to the conversation. "You want to be
Neither is afraid to use d rr.c-.--. sage u'ithout appearing nr;.'. It's show time as Perr.. , :
the man of the house, you deal with him. And don't threaten me," she
heading off to prepare dinner.
says,
room, where they drink anj :, with her husband and s.-.n. .-,
As you can see, Suzanne is furious with Klaus. She resents his focus on work, which in her mind leaves him free from the burdens of household chores and child rearing. Although her father was a poor parent, he has redeemed himself and become the father she always wanted. Instead of finding an effective way to include her father in her relationship with Klaus, she has let her
father in while chasing Klaus out. Ultimately, because of Suzanne's poor han-
their cousin into therr rr t:. - the kitchen, and her husbar:' and Perry use eye conracr : widening glance with n'l-rici-. situafion, she gives hinr
--.
th.
-,
-,..
dling of thlrds, Klaus despises her father and resents his own children. At the same time, Klaus's poor handling of thirds has led Suzanne to despise both his work and his colleagues.
u: .:: ;le
sr.
124
SZT
s^BS pue 'raq punore sruJe srrl s.^d,orqt '8urop s,ags reg,m dols JeI{ sa>leur 'req ol dn sao8 eH 'uauro^d qroq Jo Suuit sr eqs tBqt ano peultsns eJoul e se,l.r8 aqs eturt srr{J 'ueqJtII eqt uI puE-I uo sIreI{J pue dn sle8 aH 'JalllJqs euot Jaq
pue Jepnol eurooeq eJrol s(raqlour sn{ sJeeq dua4 'sluewoul IBreAes Ierros etrJo^EJ rerl t(usr
re}V
sqt tBI{}
'u8rs Jealc IIE eqt rurq sa.r.r8 eqs 'uottenlrs sda,luoc Bpue'l qf,Il{^\ rlttlrr acue18 Sutuepua.
slq qtoq esrdsap ot aur::. - :: Jql rV 'uerPlltiJ u.\li i . -- ; - -: -ueg rood s(euue;nq lr :!: a :.i, req lal sBr.{ eqs 'snE'\ ,'- _ i:r-i -- :; -ce#e uB Surpu!.lo
uo
aL: i*:
no ,1 'uc:r:::: - :
^\or-i
ol elBlel o]
aq uaq.&{ op
a-u ;:
IIr.!,1
_ .. _'
_
-eda ue uro{ eplsv 'ssenslp;o su8ts roJ {Jeril ot tcetuoJ ade esn L;ra4 pue Bpul 'ure8y'uroor 3uur1 eqt ur ueru erll sutol Pueqsnq req PUE 'uerlf,]I1 aql ur ,"\El-ur4erltoru Jerl pue BpuE'I surol re]srs aql 'ruooJ JIeI{t olul uISnoJ rleql atl^ul pue euodra.te reer8 uarppgc erll 'uleEy 'uos PUE Pueqsnq raq I{II.^A se^rrrB retsrs srq JetEI slueruolnl 'sseursng {lr pue >1uup laqr a;egl| 'uroor 8ur.ut aql otur rer{tJ srq selet due4 'papaau t.u$ eq Pue tq8ple sI ol{s }Eql su8rs ro; seLa s,epuel slcotlf, Lua4 'uarlctrl el{l uI Pul surol a,reyur-req]oul req sV 'sruooJ Jrer{l olur teerter uaqt 'ee13 q}t,l sluaredpuerB laql leer8 ualpllqc eql dpee e^rrJe JerltEJ pue raqtow s,L,rre4 sE eullt 1(oqs s(tl
noi
t:
j--,f
- ::
of li?:- _l - '
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preparations.
On the sofa, Perry finds himself flanked by his mother and sister, with his father catty-corner on the loveseat and his brother.in-law standing by the fireplace. When Landa enters, cocktail in hand, she notices this arrangement. Perry immediately gets up and asks his father to move to the sofa so he and Landa can have the loveseat. Landa and Perry's strategy for maintaining
:r-
tr\:.'.. latter complaint she kecp. : : Klaus plays rvith bcrr Suzanne's bedroonr to J,r : :':
deal with the nor.r hr peJ-.r: '
lap as he srretches out r,n
their couple bubble is to control where they sit, especiaily in situations where others use seating to split them up. They do the same at the dinner table so
they can use one another for comfort and support'
rr.: r
While Perry is sensitive to Landa's need for comfort and support, she is equally aware of his need for the same. Perry's sister often gets the better of him, and Landa helps minimize the stress he feels when conversing with his sister. She knows the cues that signal Perry's distress, such as a tendency to talk too fast and increased complaints about tension in his neck.
When the get-together is over, Perry and Landa congratulate one another for a job well done, as they gossip through kitchen clean.up. They are pleased with their ability to host dinners with their in-laws without causing fights
between the two of them, and without causing distress to their guests. Because they do this so smoothly, neither ever feels like a third wheel.
the lilting music comine thr. ingly slrrill, he reali:e. :u:,:: the bed, he tracks the r','i;c, :
"l
.'
of{ now!"
"I told her five minures. :: bed. I'm tired of this same b:r: "I'm not tiredl" Tammr .r:
"She didn't," Brian chine . "It's not fairl" Tammr''.
r'.:
CHrronEN As THrnns
Often couples who poorly manage thirds of one type do just as poorly with thirds of another type. How to include their children in their relationship is a
particularly critical question for couples.
to Klaus,
"Maybe they didn't hear
disbelief.
if
heal
itl"
Su:
s}
Now that both children are in school, Suzanne is able to work part time
un
126
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WIRED FOR LOVE children-the thirds in their relationship-it's their children who
are calling
the shots, pitting the parents against each other, making both Mom and Dad
into third wheels. Trying to calm himself, Klaus sits down on the sofa. Apparently accustomed to sudden departures by their mother, Tammy and Brian climb onto
his lap and watch another fifteen minutes of television.
WARMLY INCLUDED
Perry and Landa's two kids are Jamie, age ten, and Sara, age eight. \7hen Perry comes home for dinner, he and Landa have agreed, they will reunite before he greets the children. To accomplish this, he often phones just prior to arriving. Landa then knows to greet him near or at the door. They embrace
cleanin:
until fully relaxed, make and sustain eye contact long enough to refocus attention on one another, and check that each feels adjusted to the home environment. Only then do they turn their attention to the children and
other activities.
Later in the evening, while Perry is helping Sara prepare for bed, he hears Landa struggling with Jamie downstairs. Jamie is angry about losing his com. puter game privileges because he didn't finish his homework. Though Landa
BEHIND MY
BEC
is more than capable of handling Jamie's opposition, tonight she is low on resources. Perry senses from the tone of her voice that her patience is reaching a breaking point.
Perry gives Sara a quick squeeze
rushes downstairs. He walks
tion. However, according t.. iii culture and is a card-carrvin: Klaus is headed down the sar-, and she's worried that if he : exposed to his inappropria:e
quent fights between them.
"Don't think
don'r
kn--,.
into the room, stands beside Landa so she can feei their solidarity, and kisses her on the cheek. Then he says with good humor, "Let's kill him." All three laugh at the absurd suggestion, which serves as an instant
adjustment toward calm for each of them.
Sensing his parent's solidarity, Jamie heaves a sigh and picks up his math
sa'.
s1r,c
book.
Perry again kisses Landa's cheek, whispers, "Good job," and leaves the
room. He quickly returns to Sara.
"l thought you like me 'h,, with," Klaus replies in his deter "lr's true that when rie r. admits. "But sometimes ] fee. -. you look, I don't know, ineb::. about me that embarrass nle.
becoming angrier as she recaiis
Landa and Perry maintain their couple bubble by handling thirds properly. Just as they are able to relate to their inlaws without leaving anyone out
does either
67,r
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:-
Moments pass in silence. "I'm asking you," Klaus repeats, "when have I
ever given private information in public?" Suzanne shakes her head.
((r
rry me. tt "\7e were out with your business partner and his wife." 'At that new Italian restaurant," he adds. "Right. And you'd had a few drinks. \7e started talking about getting
enough sleep, and you told them I take a sleeping pill every
"So? What's wrong with that?" Klaus interrupts.
Landa and Perry both i:it rheir relarionship. Rarher. i... ment. They occasionallr- e\ el.l :l
are in bed asleep.
Hortersr. :'
night-"
tice, the other respects his .-: i-,. 'When out to dinner u'rth r:
"\Uaitl" Suzanne responds sharply, her hand flying up. "!ou didn't let me
finish. You said I take a pill every night, which is none of their business. And then you r.vent into detail about what I m like afterward. You said I raid the refrigerator and don't remember it in the morning. That was humiliating. They didn't need to know that."
If
saying anything
responds
"l know you dont remember," says Suzanne. "That's what I said a minute
humiliating. There I was, with this sloppy, obnoxious drunk who didn't even care what I was feeling. And with your friendsl"
ago. That's what makes
it
so
with caution." Both Landa and Perrr' ..::: the other. Not only doe s it ..--:
"That's mighty nervy coming from you, who takes sleeping pills and
doesn't remember the next morning that we had sex," Klaus states angrily.
"That's different," says Suzanne, choking back tears. "I don't embarrass
you in pubiic."
"No," replies Klaus, "you say you don't need those pills. But then I see how you slur your speech and act stupid. One of these days I'm afraid you
won't have the sense to wait till I'm home to medicate yourself, and the kids will see the mess you're in. I even had to hide your keys to stop you from driving to the store last week, Remember that? How do you think all this makes me feel? Not only am I with a drunk every night, but you're not with me."
EXTnCTSE: GET )
As we've seen, Landa anrl Perf
,,
third: \
P\prl
130
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,,'8ur1uup s,t1 noL roJ pue 's1pd Surdeals 8ur1ul sitl eur roJ-sn uee,^ateq aruoJ Surgtauros tel qtoq a,tr ssen8 1,, 'dn s>1eeds euuezns ef,ua]ls 3uo1 e .rer;y
with an Outsider, notice the nonverllal ways yOu and yOur partner communicate. Notice, too, how quickly and accurately you pick up each
other's si$nals.
2.
Develop new signals. Having a private language of your own can be very
iij
understand their secret code. Discuss with your partner h0w you might
communicate in tricky situati0ns with thirds, such as in the presence 0f in-laws 0r out in public. What, specifically, are the messages you need to give One anOther in these situationsP Keep in mind thal your si$nals must be subtle and must be suited to your partner's sensitivities. lt would be self-defeating, for instance, if your
survival-depend on mutual
onymous with couple bubble.
I ? V ?
Emotional closeness
out in the cold
u;
partner perceived your sig;nal as a threat instead of the friendly assisl you
intended it t0 lle. lt also would be ill advised t0 adopt a loud signal that, say, led your son-in-law t0 feel y0ur not-so-secret language was intended
to exclude him.
3. Practice y0ur new signals the next time a situation arises, and see how
effective they are. Make sure you have your si$nals in order ahead of time!
rr
2+1=ZERO
Arrruns
AS THTRoS
:.
'
who don't know how to incLL-ii, plete zero.'By that, I mean :i:
somes) can end up destror
Romantic and sexual affairs constitute perhaps the most obvious form thirds can take in a relationship. In my experience, infidelity is among the chief
reasons couples seek therapy. The good news is that understanding how to
i:.:
'
protect their couple bubble can help couples save their relationship, even one or both partners have undermined it by engaging in infidelity.
You might be wondering, how common is infidelity? That's hard to say.
if
It
depends on what statistics you read, and cin how you define infidelity. The
traditional definition focuses on extramarital sexual relations, whether as a one-night stand or a long-term involvement. Using this definition, a 2006 study of 10,000 adults conducted by Tom Smith from the University of Chicago's National Opinion Research Center reported that 22 percent of married men and 15 percent of married women had committed adultery at 132
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Je^el6) le.uns
WIRED FOR LOVE "How was your luncheon?" Suzanne asks the following morning,
Saturday, as they sit at the kitchen table over coffee.
salad. They even had a good dessert.
a
"Oh, okay," says Klaus with a shrug. "You know, the usual pasta and Chocolate-"
"So, you sat next to Crystal?" Suzanne interrupts.
Si.:
:= :
Youhaveprol-ai'i
. .-.
"Crystal?" Klaus scrunches up his face. "Yeah. So what/" "How come you didn't say so? You think you can just talk about the food,
arrd
ambivalent about con:.. -- .: their ambivalence. Fo: K,,-, buffer any potential iar-=.:,
Suzanne, it means lii r-: :' imagined-that she c:-:, : : -
l'll ignore-"
This time Klaus cuts in. "'W'hat's there to
say?
was on my other side. Relaxl How many times do I have to tell you: absolutely
nothing is going on between Crystal and me." Suzanne isn't persuaded. "So you say. But I've seen how she looks at you. At the office Christmas party, you spent more time talking with her than you
did with me. How am I supposed to relax when you continually give me cause to feel otherwise?"
Islands have
tends to offer an
cal argument in
aru::, --
eSi:.rc
=:
:.
assertion of indepenJ:
tar',.:
"Jiminyl How many times must I explain?" Klaus's irritation is mounting; nothing he
says
about a report due January 1st, and there was no time to work on it over the holidays. The truth is, it ruined the party for me. But I've already apologized
for that. The question is, when will you let it go?"
Suzanne stops to consider this. In fact, she yearns to let go ofher insecu-
2+1=NolF._Affairs are ncr -.n' .- - : During the first tc:: .: -:- steadily but nor lir :: = - ..- , from high school, S:.= : - .
rities. It's just that she doesn't know how. Tears come to her eyes as she flashes back to Klaus's affair ten years before. "Maybe when you aren't always comparing me with other women," she says after a few moments. Klaus is touched by her honesty. He wants to reach out, hold her close, and assure her that he loves her.
pang of
guilt. Much as he loves Suzanne, he is frequently attracted to other women. He tells himself it's just one of those natural male-female things. Crystal, for example, is a smart, stylish professional, and he enjoys working with her. He likes lingering an extra moment as the target of her gorgeous smile. After all, he thinks, this kind of flirtation is harmless. Klaus pauses. Why feel guilt over something so harmless? It occurs to him that confessing to Suzanne that he is sometimes attracted to other women
might lessen his guilt.
come al.lng. Hori er'.r. :- - - ..- . hadn't seen in rear:. r-.. j. :'
Landa and her : - -quick kiss good nieh:. r.-.: : First thing the ner: ":--
:. .
talk immediarell.
-.
,.-
But then he worries about what he might have to give up. Maybe he'li lose Crystal's friendship altogether. He feels ashamed at how much
734
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"l want nothing more than to be with you. You mean the world to me. But I won't blame you if you decide to call off our relationship." Perry was shocked, and he needed time to process what had happened. But in the days that followed, he saw that the old boyfriend was not actually a threat to their relationship. He appreciated that Landa was truthful in admitting her mistake, one she never intended to repeat. Nor did she repeat
gave Perry a chance to ask for any more details, and ended by saying,
ol rhenr. Cb' Jren and in.lau.. B:L :' friends and othtrr a!I:. avoid them or urini:..I
ir.
t\\!,- :
In fact, it was in part what they learned from this early transgression that led the couple to develop their method for mutual monitoring of each other's drinking. Now, years later, they sometimes make jokes based on what happened. "Don't leave me alone with that handsome boss of yours," Landa might
tease.
"Oh, I'll be glued to your side," Perry quips. "l'll probably get fired for lewd
conduct."
Because they know without a shadow of a doubt how strong their couple
lo be th.r. : :
-
less-than-thrillinc,:-:.
the risk
of:ounJin-
..
SrvrNrH GUIDING
PRTNCTPTT
The seventh principle in this book is that partners should preuent each other from being a third wheel when relating to outsiders. Every couple will find themselves engaging with outsiders, so your best bet is to rely on a strong and intact
couple bubble. When you are solid with each other, the presence of thirds can 'We saw how Landa actually amplify the positive aspects of your relationship.
thal r,'u a. that if the King an* | the [and. lf thel r. ,'
same principle h, are unilied aoJ :rC
l-, -:r
'
Here are some supporting principles to guide you: 1. Always make your partner number one. And say and do things-little ones and big ones-that remind your partner this is so. If your partner Gels confident he or she is number one in your eyes, it will be much
harder for thirds to pose a threat. The problem is that we often assume
need
136
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Fighting
Partn,
\Uin by
to-moment-basis bet',r'een'. tant role in determining n'her: war. It may be tempting ro :h::
--
be peaches and cream. \bu'.ments, no arguments, no ::.::.'. Sorry to disappoint vr'-. l tell me they have never I. --': partners who have createj ,
intensely because
thel kr.
..
-.
..
'ProlsIP tuou
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asnuceq {asualut drqsuouelar rleql Sunlnd ;o ecuelrodrul eq] "!\ou>l ^(eqt e^EI{ oq'^A sreulred B ssei ro ^\ruenbar; ssal rq39 '{eru elqqnq eldnoc Pelarr
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And it is. I can honestly say that if you learn to fight well, you and your partner will be happier together, and your reiationship will feel more secure. Instead of destroying your couple bubble, fighting well wiil strengthen it. Of all the aspects covered in the ownership manual to
your relationship, this probably is the most key to your survivall
rhini
Yl
.
In this chapter, we look at various techniques for fighting well, inciuding waving the flag of friendliness at the appropriate time, staying in the play zone, being adept at reading your partner, not sweeping anything under the
rug, and generally lighring smart.
Br
When you wave rhe i-,= You circumvent all the ancr-,'
municate with a single gc):u:r Sometimes when you have
important to avoid all fights. Srill, there ing wrong with nipping the unnecessary ones in the bud.
is noth-
:t
As you recall, our Lcr: :: specializes in processing jer,:. minutiae that go into an a:g-,i
and settle the argumenti Jr L:i
pr.'-,:
it
comes to avoiding war. The smart vagus not only allows us to take a
deep breath before acting, but also helps us modulate our voice friendliness. Take that extra second before you speak to be aware
and volume of your voice. Our other ambassadors, particularly the orbitofron-
ro amygdalae, with no evijr. tingency. What you sa1, it-r ,' ' when you and your partner ai
amygdalae did to one another. So. what I'm suggesrin.- r.
tal cortex-which, you'll recall, allows us to step into someone else's shoes-
can calm down our amygdalae before they scream red alert over what
is
actually a nonexistent threat. Make it clear you understand where your part-
ner is coming from, and open the door to a friendly discussion about your
140
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All
around bv catching the ttlah-blah-blah. 1. Talk with your partner ahead of time, and agree that one or the other of
you will catch the blah-blah-blah and make the appropriate correcti0n. lt
Rough-and-turnble pia',' : sibling who helps us disc.-r e: We learn how hard to push
is important that yOu agree llefOrehand and each take responsibility for
changing c0urse, not simply calling the Other
Oul. One
.:
or pull so hard, and so on. --, : ent, but it's still all in g,,.'* -: play than are islands anJ
,.,,..-,
anOther. lf you find that you're fighting over who said what when, or how
one of you is like he or she was years ago and has never changed, or how
s0meOne else agrees that the Other partner is a schmoe (aka jerk), ihen yOu are engaged in the blah-blah-blah of warfare. Time 1o stop.
3. Now make the appropriate correction. For example, you might wave the flag 0f friendliness ("Okay, l'm not helping the situation here"). 0r move
forward and touch your partner lovingly and say, "l'm sorry, I'm making this worse" or "l love you and I shouldn't be bringing all this Other stuff up."
Tut Lrssox or
Learning horr
t, '
pl ,'.
,.
gc,..
=..
^i::-..
4. Once you have corrected, don't go back to the blah-blah-blah. lnstead, condense your bottom-line point and tell it to your partner in one short
sentence. ReasonP The primitives can't process complex phrases, and the ambassadors aren't fully home yet. So keep your verbal communication
i.rrc:
..
short and sweet (emphasis on sweet). Remember t0 altend to what works for your partner, not simply what works for you!
STRyTNG
*: -. How do you do thisl E,..:Because if the arml ut Fn:. : So it's up to )ou an j message goes somethirrr , relaxl You're in love n'irl'L e :::jeopardy because of this iii:rHeeding rhis messagr c..-: first and foremost tou'ar.1 ',r a:. communication that inclui:. sure any fighrs take placc ..r r.
I'm suggesting here is simLla:
lt
I find in my work with couples that many partners who don't know how to
fight well did not learn how to engage in rough-and-tumble play during child.
hood. Rough-and-tumble play is extremely important for both boys and girls.
during a fight if you har-en'r ,. how you want to feei and cc.n--:
142
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NI SflA]]SU
11]M DNITHDIJ
agreement is present, and learn to trust them when tensions arise, as well. If you really trust that neither of you will end up a loser, you can feei more
relaxed about the rough-and-tumbie of fighting. You sense when to pursue and when to retreat. To iess secure individuals, the prospect of retreat implies taking a loss or giving up one's stance. It implies defeat, maybe even humiliating defeat. Not so for secure couples. They know they're in it for the long haul'
so they feel free to keep their guard down, even while fighting.
lips. Even the most subtle cu play a vital role in this pr..ce, Couples in distress ,.r:r.. take. The loss of continli.--.
i:.c:
a,,t"
partner
in
effect moves
mgvs-2nd into a srare -: :due to poor physical p.,,:r. : tively close proximirr (nc :--,
cult to accurately read
Find a safe place where you can both move around freely and not risk
cr:
":-:
=:
if elther
yells,
this reason, I recomnrt:.: :tional matters unless the,.' :cues. Why give the am.
"Time out!" both of you must stOp instantly. lf there is anything-fOr exam-
ple, bein$ held upside dOwn-that doesn't feel safe, agree at the get-90 that no one will do this.
Get down 0n the lled (or mat 0r carpet or lawn) together and play. You
r:.
.
-:
--
can push and pull, roll and curl up. Make all the sounds you want, but try not to talk because that will distract you from paying close attentiOn t0 your physicality. You can analyze things later, if you musl.
your partner's voice ri.ith. *: : your or your partner's piln'.-::to war that could hate bee:sage
THr PrR[s or
144
SII
ot
uo
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'lsnul
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11IM CNIJHDIJ
ExER
This exercise is sinrilar to
Consider Jill and Carol, both twenty-five, who love to use text messaging throughout the week. Both graduate students, they maintain a tether with one another through their cell phones. This is enjoyable when they both feel good as individuals and as a couple, but their texts can tear the tether and become drumbeats of war whenever either feels insecure. Even their emoti.
cons can be misread as hostile and warlike.
il= : r:i':-
r;:
-
',
-
.:
2.
-."
need ur lovin right now can't talk can't talk? not asking to *talkx
what?l
JilI:
Carol:
JiII:
forget it
ai' r ''-
Carol:
i'm in
a meeting.
talk later
;)
Jill:
Carol:
JiIl:
jill
rl:'..
missing their dinner date. In her mind, she was waiting for Jill to clear up what she meant in her text. However, because it is easy to misinterpret or overlook emotions communicated in e.mails or texts, Jill didnt realize she had upset her partner, and subsequently forgot all about the exchange. By the
-"-
.::
r::
time they were face-to-face later that evening, both their primitives were
loaded, cocked, and ready to fire. Carol and Jill could avoid these fights if they lessened their reliance on text
messaging. If they continue texting, they need to understand the importance of
the smart vagus and dumb vas. is operating properly, along v.:
breathe, relax your muscles, an.
resources ofyour ambassadors.
immediately sending a strong message of friendliness, whether through texting, calling, or making an appointment to see one another as soon as possible.
146
LVI
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SE
Jollltr:
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attention to how much is too much and how long is too long. You know when to quit or when to change the subject or distract one another. Sometimes it's
best to give things a rest so you both have a chance to cool off. However, don't
just leave the room, hang up, or turn away. If you do that, your partner may interpret your actions as dismissive. Rather, make sure the time out is mutually acceptable-say, twenty to thirty minutes to cool off--and not unilap
eral. Taking responsibility in this way is what
ambassadors. It ensures that they
]n all ofthete insranc... the other to do what rher. ',',:mut ual agreement i. in ll;.,.. they are actually exprc::rn. r:
.
There
rl'r
aren't concerned with maintaining relationships; all they care about is not belng killed. Therefore, your and your partner's primitives better not be the only ones left standing at the end of a fight.
Couples who fight smart seek an outcome that allows both partners to be
winners. They aim for a win-win solution. They say to each other, "'!7e both have to feel good about this," or "I'11 be happy only if you're happy, too," or "'We're
information about vour Fr-f :r-in the best way-for goc,j. :-,- , both of you. Self-intcrcii: , ... good of the relation.hip. . . everybody wins.
Let's examine
in this
together."
each
hon'rhr. .
other: "We are okay, but what just happened is not," or "You're a dear, but I'm going to get my way on this one," or "I love you, but you're being a pain in the
ass
today and I think you know it." They can say all this because their ambas-
sEEr<txc A FAIR
Donna and Scan. rr r
Sean to join her at rhese
sadors know how to wave the flag of friendliness and how to make sure no
-i
i'"':;
g-::-,,
Gooo
FoR ME,
I
see
Gooo FoRYoU
in my therapy practice come with expectations
A part of Donna
that each partner should know certain things about how relationships ought to work, It's almost as if partners expect each other to come to the table pretrained. It doesn't dawn on them that they must train one another to do things or continue to parent one another in ways their real parents failed. Expecting your partner to share your values at all times, and in all ways, leads
to great disillusionment, disappointment, and anger.
unJer.: :Sean feels that Donna', ir . ,:= among her engineer colLea:;;. about him, she'd Ier hrnr . r: :Let's take a lo.-,k at .cr';:,.
cares fur her, he'd
SCENARIO
"You should wantto do this for mel" one partner explains to the other,
-,
think rhjs is fair," she c,,nrp. work, and this is my ri'ork. \:,-r
:
148
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-I1]M DNIIHDIJ
"It's always important tc ', Are my feelings importanr ic "Of course they are," sals
I .l 1tt
"Thanks a lot! I didn't know you considered my movies stupid. "You know what? Just forget
wnllel "W'hat do you meanl" a.s Donna sits down ne\r rc thisl If you go with me r.-r:,
you've been wanting to
see.
we see what you want, too. \Ue're always seeing your dumb chick flicks."
itl"
I'll do it." "Don't do me any favors, and I From another room, Donna shouts back,
After a few moments
pass, Sean shouts, "Okay!
he replies.
go
At
will certainly
minute sl" i
SCENARIO
Donna notices Sean's discontent with her invitation. She's tired of the effort it takes to get him to go with her, so this time she says, "You know, I
have to be at that shindlg tonight. I can go alone. You do whatever you want." Sean looks at her in surprise. "Really? You mean that?"
..'
"Cooll"
says Sean.
Later, as Donna is leaving for the event, she sees Sean ensconced on the couch, watching his favorite television show. He's h"ppy, but she clearly is not. "'Weil then, bye," she says abruptly, without giving him a hug or kiss.
HousrrcEEPING
I think
ir's obviou:
"Byel" he calls after her, disregarding her blatant cues of unhappiness. "Have a great timel I'11 be here, waiting." Though he is glad he's off the hook,
Sean can't escape the feeling he
the
--..=
SCENARIO
Of course, it's onh' na:;: same way or want to do rhe .-: action movies, for exan-iple. = 'acari.':.
tonight."
150
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NorHIxG
SWEI
negotiations don't have to be entirely symmetrical, (2) bargaining is fine, and (3) any compromises you make should not result in one person losing.
Think of this process as good housekeeping for your couple bubble. Next time a fight is in the offing, instead of expecting your partner to
function
as
your clone, put your collective energies into making sure the solu-
tion feels meaningful and worthwhile for both of you. Keep at the negotiations untii you reach that point. In essence, there can be no forward
movement, no decision making, no action unless you and your partner agree
the solution will work for both of you. We got a glimpse of this process in scenario 3. In it, Donna and Sean negotiated as anchors. By contrast, when an island faces a situation in which
each partner wants to do something different, the only apparent solution is to
like. If Kathleen need) rL' ::L:. won'r like, she does :o qui.i
hit-and-run, a strateg)' L'oth :.-.. Forinslance, both ar. .r -
in scenario 2. On the other hand, as we saw in scenario 1, one partner can bully the other into submission. This is the
saw this
'SVe
If you and your partner reach a point where you still arent both satisfied with a solution, some compensation or repair may need to take place. This
can be tricky, especially when past experiences ofinequity, unfairness, injus-
t:, ::::.
"No," she
says
quickLr'. : ,
tice, and insensitivity color the present situation. I said negotiations don't have to be symmetrical, in the sense that one or the other of you may appear to give up more at any particular moment; however, over the long run, any
inequities need to balance out. Sticking to the principle of "good for me, good for you" should prevent either ofyou from keeping a tally against the other.
job..."
Dennis sighs anJ :a\
).
about it nocu."
-:.:
:
tually. Other matters may never be resolved, and may always be a source of potential conflict. In fact, because no two brains are alike, the chance of two
peopie agreeing on everything is slim to nil. For this reason, John Gottman, a
researcher and marital expert, believes that couples don't need to solve all
their unresolved conflicts, but they do need to deal efGctiveiy with these issues (Gottman and Silver 2004). And I would agree. Couples who are in it
for the long haul know how to play and fight well, remain fearlessly confident
tent managers of one anothe : . inspire each other. It's clear ri, occur are only minor speed bu:
in the resilience of their relationship, and dont try to avoid conflict. 152
SI
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ro peq 1aa; treqr esnBceq ,\durs srallul luBlrodrul Plo^B l(uoP 'crdol ol eloql are eldnoc slql IEI{I lqnoP uBf, euo ou 'ra'r'er'ro11 euo troddns qol stq rnoqe d11n; I
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'req lB IJq Surlrurs 'sdes aq .'["]O,, ro ',t\ouoruol ,,;'(e>1o 'ilIlt I >llel ol lue'!\ l'.uop eru qr1^\ dn ll Suug 're^aroj lI plo^ l.uEJ e'ry\ 1nq 'stql lnoqe sassll uealqlB) no,( o.ou1 I 'ueqlea.'u5,, 'sa/.e slq olul s{ool Pue uilq ..'11tou lI ]noqE sluueq
4lt ot
tu.^A
st131s
''"i'i:lt""^
a1p1'r^ ''uruen" rnogV, 's.(es uaelgre) 'peq ro; lpear 'ut]la' 'reuulp lueseeld e a^Bq ol anulluor laqr pue 'sJe'tocal {1cinb sluueq 'lcafqns eql sa8ueqc
eqs
ueql
,,2de1o
'4 tnoqe
"!>1c1nb
ol
o^Er{ e^\
srql
'ace1d
elt ot paeu
"{]tnbaui
.!'
,,2nou lr13u slql lnoqe IIel sluueq oC '^Aoul L, 'uealqle) rlll^ld lJeluoc ele 8ur>1earq 'peaq sn1 sJe'l.rol 'uoll3eer erueqs E esnec ol Suto8 $ sr{l s^Aou{ eqs
paIJSIIES
ntr
arll o]
sI
sIqI'uolsslulqns olul
uC
.r1u
s(sluueq 'uorlrsod leqlou PuU ol esrtuord slg PuB >IJo^\ lE uollouroP lueJeJ ueeFI"]B) o] Suura;er s(eI{S (.'uollnr1s qof rnoL ]noq lll ol e^eq ar1r,, 's'4'Bs ,sede s,sruuacl otul 3ur>1oo1 alri \ '^FePPnS 'lnJsserrs Eutglou 'sollellu
lereua8 rnoqe
3ur>11e1
uorlnlos tue:edde
ere
rlloq 'eJuelsul
lo{
qJlq1(
uollBnlls e selEi
lpuap;
Jo
'ureql JoJ sryom paer8e e^Bq rlloq '(Salerls e 'unr'pue4l1 os saoP aqs 'e111 r,uo'r'r
ul i
alerlr
'n.-,."'
ou eq uEf
'aIII eq s.^Aou>i eqs lql sIuueCI ot Surqlauros dn Sutrq ol sPeau ueeFIlE) JI (sreIBuI Jeqlo agl ol saSessaut er{t pu stureldruoc sB qfns IISIeAorluoJ lnoqE eql [q umop rnqs Suteq tcerrpur a.tr8 req4a saoP roN 'lq8g [er1l uaI{'^A req}o slaal reulred reI{lIoN 'llnJUJIp ' '{\oq
E
luelrodrur are legl scrdol lnoqe Surlier ueq'r 'llercadsa 'raqloue [at1; 's'relq8r; ]radxe ere ueeFlle) Pue sluua(I
DNU
11IM DNIIHDIJ
lHI
If your partner tends to remind you of things you have done to injure him or her, chances are your response is along the lines of "\fhy do you always
remember such things? Why can't you just forget?"
You want to move on. But does it ever occur to you that you helped create
,,
that memory in the first place by not doing anything to fix it in time?
Any intense feeling-positive or negative-that stays in our awareness for too long will be transferred into long-term memory' The ambassadors,
notably the hippocampus, are responsible for converting short'term memories into long-term ones. As a primitive concerned with our safety and security,
4. I abel lhe last r olLrn " -there isn't d IoLrrn Because rou proba: column, do lltir ilrirr .=
.
way,
a.
If you're in it for the long haul, it behooves you and your partner to avoid creating and maintaining grudges. Do this by allowing your ambassadors to overrule your primitives. Fix your bad memories so they become good memo'
ries. Kathleen dld this by insisting Dennis talk with her about his iob.
5.
if
she
had let
it
go when he was reluctant to talk, they might both have had bad
ro,:'..' -:
ror :-":
1 i_
,
would have been about her husband withdrawing from her because he was too mired in depression. The idea is to transform bad memories into good ones before they enter Kattrleen
long-term memory as grudges. However, it's possible to transform a bad mem'
it
ory even years later. I'm not suggesting long-standing grudges will disappear with a snap of your fingers, but if you and your partner are willing to do the
work, you can get past them.
EtcHrH Gutotr.l
strong and secure couple bubi
are able to pick up on each
rri
You don't ignore problems -i:.rect, repair, or wave the t'lae c,t Here are some supporrir.:
partner has given you in the last week. Be specific and concrete-for
154
ssI
ot Sultdruet eq
^ur nol. alns lu.I 'asol ol
lI 'satull lV
slu.^A
euo ou 'esJnoc
Jo
'Pe/!\ollE
lou st 8utso1
lstl ,,'au
a\p.o-
'regleg
'ralseJ
'ssaullPuol$ jo 8eg aql aAE,A\ lo 'rtedar 'lcal llleql fel PuE sruelqold a'rou8r l,uop no^
Olul'u0jla
'elseqlsod tuol{t eBBuBuI PuB senc sserlslP s(raqlo I{3Be uo dn lcrd ol elq ere notr 'dlqsrauued Jnod ueleeJql r,uop srq8r; 'elqqnq aldnoc ernces pue Suorts
ulqtl^\ Suttelar ere raulred rnol pue no,{ uaqr16 '11an 113{ 01 ur'Da7 $nu .taylaiol fzts oi ruDffi o1.(n sr"auirP4 ltll sI {ooq slql ur aldlcupd IJltlSIe eqJ
AUOINIANI
SS]I
JOutrE.
8ur'.
luJoJsuEn ol elq
'uJnloJ ul aslcJoxa slLll 0p 0l iuBM AUU ;aul.tud Jn0^ 'llaM JaulJpd JnO^ qltM lsll aJllua sllll aJBLls 0l luBM ltlFlu n0^ '^llpulj s00F llu Jl puv ToUF rouud Jn0^ asnuc 0l prp n0^ sFulql oarql Joj J0 ra110l ^30l0du
uo
'.
u oluM 01 polladlu0c lo0J uo^o lLlFlu nOA 'no,{ snuF lauuud JnO^ sFulLll '9 00Jrl1 r0l apnttluJF l0 Jall0l u ollJM 0l poullsul 11as;n0,4 puli lqFlu n0
'petuBrF JOI olul 0l pu01 lnq 'Jauuud ino^ u0JJ o^locoJ n0^
lpr.lm JulncllJud u! ectloN pJlLll pue lsJ!J 0tl1
qlr,1
ol
sJopESSEgrue
rno,{ 8ut-tc:'
p!p n0^
11
M0N '9
"{llce;;oc
JOutJBd Jn0^ 0t stu0suopJnq
'de,n srgl
ul
'sarJoruoLu
InJr
'l6u J0 0l puatul no,{ JaqloLlM :lsoug11 aq puv '{lqfinolot1t slLll 0p 'uunlgc 'lloM ,{lquqo;d n0^ ssn308 MouI slLll 001 llB isJrJ aqt qllM sV ^parlu 'n0^ posnuc JOUUEd JnO^ alqnoJl aLll JOJ urunl0c qlJn0, u l,us! oJaql
,{qnn 1se tLlFlLu no ,,'raq/u1q posnec | olqnoJl oLlL, uunloc lslll 0tl1
laqul
't
's.ropesseqrue
sseueJe.4a
eq1'L.rotuau
'0l0JJu0c
iJurrt ur rr xg or 3:rq
etBalc pedlaq nol. teqt no-r r-:
ssal
puods uuc no^ ,,'req/u!q o^uF I lut]M,, 'alUM uunlOc lxou otll J0 dOl Olll ]V
'001 'asoLll 10F nO,{
't
..
0AuF
JeulJEcl Jn0^ Fulrll^J0^O polsll o^,n0^ l!]un u0 0^0tu 1,u00 ,,'Fullo0c stll
s0lBDuud
aYg
lHr rlDU
.I1]M DNIJHDIJ
what value will your pro-self interests have if a fight results in your partner being knocked out, on tiit, or otherwise non-compos mentis?
an acceptable outcome.
2. Giving up isn't allowed, either. Let me be clear, smart fighting is not about abdicating your position or giving up your self-interests. It's about wrestling with your partner, engaging without hesitation or avoidance, and at the same time being willing to relax your own position. You go back and forth with each other, until the two of you come
up with something that's good for both of you. You take what you each
bring to the table and, with it, create something new that provides
mutual relief and satisfacrion.
3. Every fight brings a new day. In asking you to fight well, I'm asking your ambassadors to rule over your primitives. tWe all know that can be tough, and even more so in the midst of battle. So don't expect 100
percent success at your first try. heats,
tomorrow.
I I
'-:
If the minute a conversation you forget everything I've said, don't give up. Tiy
over-
again
f!:i::-'r:-
: r : ::l these couples, too, $ ill r:.- .:. able to rekindle ir. It'. .:-. -
All this
se
r\
to love well.
In this chapter, u'e l-,r.- .' tives to make love nor rt:r .1 ficult as you mighr rhink. .-.::it's like to feel intinateh.
love is what brought \ou grow dim.
c,-,:-
J.:
156
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,4aoJ3
ot slrBls l]-aroJeq ue^e ro-ueq^\ O-IIJ eql elpuDleJ ol s^B,^d qll^\ PalulEnbcE 'ecEld lsrlJ eql uI JerlleSol no^ lq8norq lBq \ sI e^ol euro3aq o] sr peeu no^ IIV 'pelreuuoc l1a]erurlul IeaJ ol a{II s,ll Jo Treds tq8uq teqt '.\a111 uegr erol/^{ tq.^A ,4Aou{ Lpearle reutred rnod pue noL '1e laUV '>lulql lq8lut no^ se linf,I; .Euurmat eturrtln eqt sr srr{J 'Je.^d lou e^ol elEul ol se^Il JIp sB tou s(tr puv -nuud rno[ pue sroPesseqtue rnoL esn o] .l.rog lB lool eao. 'raldeqc slgl uI .lla.4d. a^ol ol ol elq
.reqra8orle esla Futqleuros Pu 'llo1rt lqBU or Sutql euo s.ll t,uare
'lae>l '(laleruuln tng
'lI
alPul>lar
.(aqt pue lutod ,4Aol sllq a^ol rleql JI lrotls IIEJ lll^\ 'ool 'saldnoc aseql uaa.e d1a.r,rle1eJ e uo ueqr daal ol selres s1q] IIV 'sdoorl
uaq,^d.
orlt IIJer ot
^\oq
'raqloue euo
PBoJ
ot ,$oq .uou4 deql 'pue aqr rE Sulputs 11lrs sreurred qloq e^eel leql slear .8uur.^Aer ur rqSr; ot peurBal aneq deur seldnoc reqrg Jo adorl ou tlll^\ 'IB,^A toJ perr^a {lueueturad er,tregtJr s s(tl 'eJJtou s(Jueurour e te o3 or Lpear pue
peruud ere ae1ep8[ru -IIeg] rolof, roPun lnq 'ecnrl PellBJ e,teq Leu '(aqr ,(11eqren'papue sq epreq cglceds B roUB 3uo1 saurrleuros lnq'srtlEu SuFnp
t.uor ':.
dluo lou trel peuetq8teq;o etets E uI se^lesuaql Pug slqr oP ol ,ltoq T t.uop oq.u seldno3 'reulred rno.{ qlrm J,^A ol Suro8 uog;lasrnoA ^\oul u II
dee>1
pue
11a,r,r
rq8r; ot se1et
rsel aql
':
,.
aruoc nod;o o^\t e\lt ::'_'_ ]llur - "' -rsod u,rto :no,( xelar '-: :
ro
uonBlrseq lnoqlr.Y.
:_: -
;o
s,{e,lr
:no,{ e:r.la;
f,...1
_-
.._
nlrdvH)
',{psauoqlng Jlasln!.
Lusr Is er n DrsreNCE
I often tell coupies who are striving to recreate and hold onto
a
penth.-.
connection that lust is at a distance, but love is up close. I advise them not to confuse the two, and not to depend on lust to rekindle their romance. This is
a mistake too many couples make.
Thtiana stops him. "\'e.. ing," she says. "But rve alsr t:
Viktor scrunches up
:::
BECOMING STRANGERS
Consider Viktor and Tatiana, both fifty-five years old. Their two chil' dren, twins, recently left for college, and the couple find themselves with more time alone together than they've had in years. Initially Tatiana looked forward to the romantic vacation they'd promised each other' However, after a few weeks, her enthusiasm gave way to an unexpected anxiety. Somehow, when the kids were around every day, she had failed to notice the distance that had developed between her and Viktor. Mealtime conversations revolved around school activities, sports, and homework. It was easy to overlook her
husband's minimal role cupied with work:
t,,:--
time of your lifel" Tatiana senses her h.:,b. disappoinr him. She reli: :-; . if it only accenl uates rhe -:,:
help feeling an exrravag::i- ' what they need to gei l--ic.. : This is a couple u'ith.,u: nol even clear to borh
lr':.;:
in these interactions.
it
his ear, even at the dinner table. Only now, with just the two of them at home, is Tatiana fully realizing the degree to which their intimacy is lacking. It's not as if they're fighting or arguing. There is nothing obviously "wrong." \7e11, except perhaps for the infrequency with which they have sex. But even that has never been officially
acknowledged as a problem by either of them. In fact, Viktor often declares
-,-
up close,
his love by sending his wife flowers and fancy gifts, something he has done throughout their marriage because he wants her to feel he is perpetuaily wooing her. Tatiana decides to talk to Viktor to see if they can plan a vacation that might rekindle the romance in their relationship. Because she knows he's excited about their upcoming trip and sees it as romantic, she doesn't want to
come off as too critical or disparaging.
Tur Pnrmrrrr.r
Srrrctxc
F.qrrttL
Of course. partncr( - rc:. way. At the beginning ,)r . -:
distance. \(/e risualh
alf: r
.:
"Have you given more thought to where we should go?" she asks tentatively one evening, as they get up from the dinner table, having exchanged only a few words during the meal.
158
65I
uo Surpuedop 'luetuuoJllue Jno uI aldoed lnoqe uollEurloJul JeqleE ol sesues tueJo#Ip uo saIIoJ t1 'ssaco"td slql uI eloJ luelrodurt ue sLeld ulerg rno
leq
leql
:srolcJ llalre,t B o] SuiproJf,E reqlouE auo esrerdde {lenslt alN 'aruE}sIP Jo sE 'dlgslrnoc;o SutuurBag aqr ry '[ear e ls;g tr11ereua8 a.rrr 'sre,to1 lB leeru ^\eu uets I,uoP o.&\ 'lseel tV 'asolJ dn sdentle l.ual sJeulJed 'esrnoc 1g
JJo
ol luAr lpsaop aqs 'onueruo: s.aq s,rou>l eqs asnecag 'drq teqt uonrA e ueld uer .rrq
,trl){vlllwYi DNI)IIS
:-IYSIVUddY .SIAIIIWIUd
lHJ
asolc dn
-oo.tr Lllenredrad sr aq
1aa-r
ot
-.:1
^Aou{
JoJ
Pelllas e^BI{
'11e.1.
s.
Lagl 'acuetslp E tE Lluo ststxe terlt e^ol uo Peseq sI lI asnereq plder s1 slep [eq] tuauretrcxa [ue ]ng 'ocro^IP Sur;eplsuoc lnoqll^\ a8ureru ]o slql rse 'lllJql ulelJaf, e aptlord pue
sreed dtuemt q8norqt tI eperu seg aldnoc
ol penl8 euogd
11ec E
tnor{ti.
lsnl ateraua8 ot ra.r,rod arll sBI{ lt Sut,r.erteq 'l]uerpuelun Jo esues B elell]lnc Llleuorlualur o] s JBJ os saoE rot{lA'sre8uerls sE lsouIIE Jel{lou euo leell euop tal '1no euo8 seg alIJ el{t tql rual{] Jo I{}oq ol Jeall uola lou erll lnoqlt.u eldnoc E sI sIqI
Leql
^Q,tr
peil!:
^tIIqB uo 'rer{to rlcBe qtr.,rd lf,eq la8 ot peau.{ai1r regm IJBI] tpsr ereds ol luaurour eau E lnoqll.^ uoIlBf,A lue8e.terlxa ue Surtee; dleg lv 'luaql uee^\leg acuElslp eql selnluecce Lluo 1t;t euIEJ uI teanar ternb
e JIasJaI{
sllal erls
'ulq
luroddesip
pelool eueueJ
L11errru1
's:ra
((iajll rno^Jo atuE eqr nod 'lre.tr ]snf,, 'ruoor 3uur1 eql punoru rerl sazlle.^A pue raq sger8 ^\oqs II.I ueqr 'sq8nel eH i(isurqeJ Jo lruald or spl{ eqt ueI] e^(al1 'Pelreq sasuadxe ou 'dp1 J?4o sr srql,, 'sulrelcxe ar1 ,,',(auo11,, 'eJJ slq dn sarpunrcs
-llql
o,^Al
rleql
lunp
lng,,
nod oP
.IollIA leql6
'aceldel;
(legt
-zeure aq plnof, tr pue tnoq pe1let eA,e,Aa 's41,, 'wtq sdols eultel ((-surnesnLu el{l 'sluJnelsal lseq oql 'SuIueAe eql u1 Surcuep 'uoourerye
ol lou iueqt
eqt ur seeuneru op UBJ alN 'uoltoB eqt Jo retuec ut lq8u Suteq rnoqe pe11el sde,up a\elN'ueDequl4tr u^\otu^\op u] etrns asnoqtued e leB e,tr.{es 1,, 'la>1cod
sFI otul auoqd 1ec sil{ stsnrrlt pue req ot surnJ eq se dn stq8n eleJ
etBurltul eJour
otuo PIoq pu
s.rot{l1
lSO'ID dN SI EAO]
to as the i.,:;---.
still or moves toward or away your amygdalae and other with from you. This visual system works in tandem primitives to determine whether the person is safe or unsafe, attractive or unattractive, and whether you want him or her to approach. Remember, our primitives' main objective is to not be kllled. Beyond that, they are invested in perpetuating the species. For this reason, they are experts in detecting the
dorsal visual suean) to track if he or she remains
pupil: ,,pc
potential for lust, and do it best from a distance. \7hen it comes to mate selection, our brain prefers
simple neurobiologi-
and body.
cal load; in other words, it prefers familiarity. A person who appears too unfamiliar is likely to create a complex load and thus repel our primitives' Too
much stranger-ness is threatening. (I use the term stranger'ness-as opposed to strangeness, meaning weirdness-to refer to the quality of being like a
stranger.) Familiarity
spice
things up can cause an attraction that brings us into closer physical proximity. Then, at close range, our ambassadors have a chance to become engaged and
begin the process of psychobiological vetting to determine whether this person meets our criteria for a long-term relationship. In the end, romantic love must pass muster with both our primitives and our ambassadors. Lust only has to pass muster with our primitives.
Our gaze triangulates bei,,i'ee to focus on the left for cue. tions to this. People in soine ; impolite or inappropriare. C'
ence, avoid eye contact eirhe:
to look for cues on the rr,cr: pick up cues in the ere.. Another near sense ih.-:
We appraise another's bi :. the obvious level of pcrru:-.:i subtle scents produced b-,' ::ness, sexual arousal, feai. :.-. seem energetic and indesc::':
LovE Is Up CIOSE
So, what exactly happens when two people are in close proximity? What makes the sparks-and I don't mean just lustful sparks-fly? I think it's worthwhile to examine the neurobiological dynamics that come into play
when we first fall in love, because these same processes are the key to rekin-
TUI
How Wt
Fnlr_
engaged. These include first and foremost our close-up visual stream (which
160
t9r
qrlq^,\) ureeJts lensr-r Jr.-:,;
'e^ol
tsnl {par
sr
sE
Surperenbseur lsnl
IAO-I NI ]]VJ IM
:IYS]I
^^OH
-urIeJ ol oqt a.te s:s:::,
(('req ot txau Surpuets f,q lsnf Ll8uorts leaq ueeg ,ftu uegm 'eldtuuxe ro; s 'elqequcsapul pue clra8raue uleas e a8e8ue uale,(eut alx\'I{Jnol PeuIEt
Luld olur ^aI euror ler{t s::-;: s,r lulrit 1 ;,{g-s1:r:. teql6 2l,rrr-urxo:d a;.': -
-sns ro JeIJq uI e8e8ue deur ar16 'eTISIp ue^e PUB 'rea; 'lesnore ienxes 'ssau -IIpueIU tseF8ns legt urets[s aulrcopueorneu al{l i(q pacnpord s]uacs allqns pue 'sau8o1oc 'serun;red Jo ia^el snol^qo el{l uo ropo dpoq s,;erpoue esrerdde er16
er16 'sdeos
's1e,l,a.1 1era.r.es
lerll
asues JEou
rel{louv
>1ctd
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ot elgun ere pue ,(poq eql;o slred raqto Jo qtnoru eqt uo senc
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puet
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.:''-
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ooI
'se^nrrur:d
:n: -:_=: ,
r ;::-:_
er{t uo lsrrl Sursnco; 'a8uer asolc uI eJE} aqt uEJs Lllerlrut sn Jo tsoJAI 'ecuetsrp t uer-l] esolc dn tuereJJlp arrnb s>1oo1 uosrad y '.{poq pue
acBJ eql ur IrBleP erour eas uEc notr 'lrBralul no.{;o oaril er{l sB srllelsl,s sno,l, .rcu Eurzzr.q;nol, qlurr aunl ur Sursolc pue Suruedo s11dnd pue Sutruep sal,e aqt (euot ur{s ur suor}Bn}cnlJ crdocsoprale4 eql 'e8ueilc pue }ll{s [eqt se ace;
::,
oqt Jo salcsnu qtoouts 'aug ar{} :arBJ er{t uI oIBt ol pasodsrperd sr urerq rnod 'dtrurxord esolJ ur uosred legtoue Suuaayq 'ruBeJts IBnsrA Jseu oql ol slsnlDe
pJlsa^ur ele .(aq: .t: q- . '_ :no ':aquretuag 'q:: . -: : . ro e^rlcJll 'eJEsun :t ?::
urerq rnod se Surtelrsetl;.1esrnod pu1; ,{eru noL 'taay aerl{t ot o1'tl Jo eruetslp alerurxordde uB urqlr. a eruoo pue uosrad rer{louB preldol e.tour no,rt sy
'pe^resqo dlesolc Suraq esoql pu
eJs
;o pJE,{\ot
SJ.\.\LU
peuraep
slcelqo .ro eldoed ro; pe^Jeser '(uDar,$ Ivnsrft lDuuaft erl] sB ot raJer eulos
el{l sE ol JeJeJ auos utt_-,r, eql ssotJe auoaluos a:s :. -.'. '
rsol:) dn sl 1Ao1
--
: l.- ::
up,
it
becomes
inrpr'::.:.:
It is an unavoidable fact that the body shows signs of deterioration as we age. The most obvious signs, such as changes in hair coloq weight, posture, or agility, are apparent at a distance. Closer up, signs of aging include wrinkled
skin and gnarled fingers. But have you noticed the one body part thar seems miraculously immune to aging? The eyes! As long as we're mentally and emo.
ently strange anJ cr:'.- .=.. which makes Lls a\\ arq -. just enough familiarir'. :- : -:
-
tionally healthy, they remain beautiful, vibrant, and vital. It's as though, through them, we have the means to fall in love permanently at our disposal. A few minutes of sustained gazingcan lead to relaxation, a sense of safety,
EXTRCISE: Fn.c
Try this exercise \\itir
,,
,,'"
, ,:
''-
'
1. Stand or sii
partnet
ficafion. f)rr\
Don't starei
h-
:-
'"
,
,
natural aging process. Many of their friends have undergone plastic surgeries and injection treatments, but thus far this couple have resisted the peer pressure to remain unusually youthful.
frontearltotlr''
3. Finalll.
-'..,
'
Kent and Sandra realized early in their relationship that gazinginto each other's eyes had the power to rekindle strong feelings of love. Kent says,
ltrrl'- F,
-.
eyes it's as
much in his eyes, beyond anything I could put into words." Recently, Kent and Sandra have noticed that friends who complain of boredom and dissatisfaction in their long.term relationships tend to avoid
close gazing. These couples often talk and joke about lusting over strangers ar a distance, as if that could solve their problems. Kent and Sandra wonder if
5. Compare note\.
mOst connected?
H,'\'.
a|ii
the tedium their friends suffer isn't parrly due to a lack of close gazingand the
E9I
Fu: -_:--
puu puu uedo (pesolc loo1 n0^ plp luorxotu lellm lV iJoJltp acuutstp u 13 'salou e;udLuo3 '9 se,{e Utr,r,t) dn esolc Fut}uler ;o sacueuadxa aql plp MoH
',{up rno,4 lnoqu no,{ fiur1su ;aul.rud ;no,,i tllt'u
le s:e8ue;ts re.\o Eur-.:- .plo^e ot puet sJtu... -: ;o urelduor oq.\\ rF-: -.- ..
UFno;q1
't
oS ees
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'
I 'lue)
lE ir'-. j
'Furruoq osJnoc J0 pull 'qcn01 pu llotlls sp qDns 'sosuas Juou Jot.llo ;no,{ ,{1uo osn puu pesolc se,{e ;no,{ deel lane -M0r,l 'orurl srql ',{ltultxord 0s0lc u! lcBq uollusJonuoc otll 0pnlcu0c ',{1;uut1 'g
'se,{e s,.touuud lno,{ ol puelle ioJoJaq s polcauuoc su laal no,4 o6 'uluFV 'no,{ uoomloq leaj ,{luonrl ls30l ]e anuq 'a;qtssod Jl JoLllo L.lcllo tlIoJJ
j,- :-- -' " ll elun lsll eql 's(es lua;q J.\o[ .]. ,- - :
q3ea olur Surze6 req:
:..
MoJ
u JaIJV 'Z
eql
: -'-;:-
'aull auus aLll lu se,{o alll 0l puatlu pug uolsll uuc no,{ Jl oas iuaLll tu0J} uualF no,{ 0p sanc luqM 'se,{a s,;euuud ;no,{ ol u0!lu01lp ,{ed 'uottuclJ lse puu ue1s1; no,{ sV 'suM ,{ep leq J0 slq Moq reuuud
puuls'L
'no{
uJels ieIuEQ
eurt ,{uu lr? I 0p uuc no,{ lnq '^p 0t-11 }0 puo otll lB Jatlto Ucuo loou no,{ ueqnn aslcJoxa slql Fulop tsaFFns | 'JotlloFol 0u0l? aq uuc no,{ oJOLIM saJE J00pln0 e J0 [il00J eF;ul B p00u lltM no^ 'louupd ;noA qllnt oslcJOXO stut ,{;l
aFJpl
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)fvg
JoJ
:IISI]UIXI
'lesodsrp rno te .ip -r:'- .' 'q8noqr sB s.ll 'lrl-. :-: ::;
: :
'tuetuallrxe pue e^ol elPul{ar ot sseu're8uerls Pu q8noua lsn[ ^lIrIIIurE} pue dlle,tou;o ure8e eJB,{\e sn se]eul I{f,Itl^\
s^\olle
srql 'lrr]rqerctpardun
--
'ssau-le8uells s(raqto qre jo ere,4de aulof,aq arlX 'xelduror PuB a8uerls {lua -loqur sr aas e,ld. let1,u 'sade s(Jeqlou olut 3ut4oo1 a.ro. se 'e8uel esolJ le esnf,eq
uoI]BlotJOteF
_:
-i
-
sour3ep puB
ol s8u,-'r -- - ,
sl slI{J '[l]reIIFueJ Jo alels lelol E uI uIEuIar ol elqtssoduu satuocaq ]l 'dn Iool e^\ uaqlN 'ef,uelslP e l Peuleluleu l'psee
asolc seLe s.reqtoue euo otul
'j - - :
,
suollou c1lels JJo 3ur,u1 ere [et1l uagm d]tret ere teqt suollou 'reqtouu euo Jo o.^d,l roJ Lsee s,lt 'lce; u1 'aar8e plnom 1
otul
rsol:) dn sl r^ol
hin-L
quickly enough, or may not know how to quickly fix misattuned moments. Al1 is not lost, though, because if the wave or island's partner is what I have
termed a competent manager of the other, he or she can make up for the It is not essential for both partners to be equally comperent managers; however, if one is particularly bad at it, the other must be much
other's deficits. better.
:-.
-i
Because he avoideJ
ings ol love
cl -= for her. H. -
-.
--.
i
'
trth I:.:.= .:
to their childhood to explain why this happens. Many isiands did not experience a lot of physical contact as children, or did not
receive the mixture of comfort and stimulation that comes from a parent gaz.
ing into an infant's eyes. Rather, the contact they did experience may have been overly intrusive or misattuned. As a result, many adult islands experi.
ence aversion at being what they perceive as too close to a partner. This aversion can include not onJy gazing, but the near senses of smell, taste, and touch. Many islands report feeling inexplicably irritated and even harassed by
demanding oi cor.r:r. -. - and he would qui.... :.. ' Judd r,r as torsc- . -'ries and kickeJ hr:. - -- After trr o \\ gs-.r - begged lrene 1,'r :
]r.n-.
i:
-:
safe, he thought.
.,. .-,
.
Two year into the marriage, something changed. He began to see her eyes pushy, as invasive, and meddling. Her pupils always seemed constricted, like
little pinholes. He stoppe d gazing into her eyes. He preferred looking at her from afar, while she interacted with others. when she sought physical proximity, he felt annoyed. The sound of her voice aroused anger in him, and her
REKINIDLI\L,
Unlike i'lanJ.. .. .. -:
even crave
phi.i,., :
164
S9I
IIr^\
::;
;
elqeuoJuloc eq ot Pual
sa^tem 'spue1$
eIlpn
SIAVM
HII^^ DNI]CNI)Et
e{}l (petJutsuor
sede
paue.:
:; :
'u,t\o lleqt uo ellos or q8nor era.^d. lql sruelqord snolres aroru eqt sseJppB plnoc .{agr os req qtt.&\ Lderagr eldnoc ol oB ol ppnf acui,r. -uof, ot alqe se.r pue rualgord aql peauSoceJ aueJl 3ul1l slql 'Llaleunlro'{ 'rq8ru pue lep {ruaps Pal]lo,4d eq .(laur qlrm Suorm s{lqfN,,
os 'Sur8e8ue os ,1n;un::,:
.::;-:
'paurntal
suoIs,IaAB
stq 'reryearetp
{iroqs
're.te.trog 'esnoq aql otul lceq ,(e,tr slq UIA{ ol PJBq l,usr punos
lI
'suollcEer
eAIsJaAE
llt---_:
'lrBluoJ
leotsdgd
eclo^ leq Jo asues pe.tteuel slrl qtllN 'Suruur8aq oql uI peq 11 sE rulq PeuIrB^\ sosues leu sr11 'se.(a PuE 'atset 'qletus raq ur parg8riap ure8e
aql'qlnot
ueer8 daap rer{ otul EurzeB pe[ofue uIBFE ecuo e11 'ure8e,,8ut]ep,, perrers a1d -nof, eqt 'Ll.lrroyg 'ellf,uoreJ o1 peer8e euarl 'arueqc Puocos e ro; euoll pe88eq pue saletsrur
sn1
s{ee,tr o.{\]
re}V
eneq Ler-u
pue 'e1se1 ,1]erus,1o s:._:, -JaA srqJ .raut:ed ? ,tt :.: -uedxa spuEISr tlnFr ...r: _ acuar:alr; : :
_- .
.
'3snoq eql lno rulq pe]ll>I PUE sell uelqord srq rrrupe ol Pef,ro; se.tr ppnf
.:,
_
'uonef,Iumuurol IIB lJo rnc dllcrnb PIno.& aq Pu reeddear plno.4A suorlceeJ oAIsraA srq 'luatue,tlolul Penulluoc;o Sutpueurap
oot aurecoq ueuro,l.r. B Jalauaq,^A tng 'Sutuur8eg eql ur eueJl rlll^\ auoP Peq aq se 'acueruol pue xes 1o drrtrqrssod pu tueurotlrxe aqt e^IIoJ PInof, oq utotl.4d.
qtr^\ uaurord. rill^\ sPuels lgSru-euo PuB seJuelileP IuoISBf,co ur pa8eSue aH 'e3utsrp E le sJarlto ro; Suttsnl JIOsuIq puno; ppnf 'au]u etues eql lV 'ulq or arn8r; 'lerprueJ tou JI 'reryue; {ra,to ue auleraq arls 'rer{ llnr d113neg ro sseu-ra8uens reqtla ;o s8urlee; rapue8ua t,upJnoo eH 'req roJ e^ol;o s8ul iaal alpurler ot de,,n ou pBr{ eq 'auar1 qt}^\ lotstuor asolr PaPIo^B eq esneleg
'os rq8noqr l,lutelrac eH le^ol Jo tno ualleJ aq PBH lurnlrosuas sttl ui e8ueqo E rlrns pesner e^Br[ plnoJ Jlesrulq pe1sB eq ']r{lN 'crued e ut se.ra ppnf
(('JOAO SI UOOUI
)l-
tu-
Laql
'aso1c dn alqno::
plo^E ot ue8aq pue sassl{ rler{} Surdolue paddors aH 'eltslrq Jo llarus aqt ot e^ursues dlppo eurecaq eH
-Lauoq ag1,, 'pres legl ueq,Lr. ]uBetu eldoed teq.{\ se.t\ lt lseldnoc Palrreru roJ eseqd e .lduls s^\ slqt Jlosraq perulluof, pue {ro,t\ uI Jlosleq pelrnq lernleu eqg 'Suruaddeq se.{\ ecrtou ot peut 'puelsr ue teq^\ tou 'auar1 ;lasraq 'sdq eqr uo e lng 8utqt,(ue lced;euq 'ulls rotl PUE tl]Earq rer.[
SIIAVM CINJ\
rsol)
dn st 1Ao1
Other
negative married.
c;.i:.=,
.
fee
threatening, to their partner, especially if the partner is an island who is sensi' tive to approach. tVaves may not be aware of the effect they have on their
-. :
:
i:.:
Unlike islands, waves tend to have experienced lots of physical contact as children and often report memories of a parent gazing into their eyes. In
courtship, come-hither qualities of closeness craving can be extremely attractive and seductive. However, once a committed relationship has been
a wave's
i.
..-
interesi;:
..
established, the wave can begin to perceive threats of rejection, withdrawal, or punishment-whether real or imagined. The wave's overly sensitized antic'
: ;::
ipation of rejection may result in rejecting his or her partner, and the inability to rekindle love.
Consueia, a wave, saw her romance with Jose as a dream come true. He (also a wave) was dashing, engaging, and fun ioving. Their sex was, in her words, "amazingl" She was head-over.heels in love.
.
,
=
After the couple married, Consuela began to notice Jose making what she considered to be small shifts away from their close physical contact. For example, one evening at their favorite restaurant, they were talking about
going to visit her parents the following weekend, when Jose suddenly broke all eye contact. Consuela noticed immediately, but didn't say anything because she was afraid he might use it as an excuse not to visit her family. She knew he didnt enjoy being with them as often as she did. Later that night as they were getting into bed, however, she couldn't keep her concerns to herseif. 'Why did you puil away at dinner?" she demanded. jose looked startled. "'$7hat are you talking about?" "'When we were discussing the visit to my parents. You wouldn't look me
NrNru Cr- :
The
r,,
ninth::.,--
pre:r::
.
way, I sue:..:
]n the :'.=.
1.
in the
eye."
"Huh? I was looking at you. I alway look at you." When Consuela insisted he wasn't meeting her eyes, Jose got defensive. "!7e11, I was taking the bones out of my fish," he said. "You want me to choke to death?" Consuela turned out the light, got into bed, and turned her back to Jose. "\il/hat happenedJ" she silently despaired. "What did I do to cause this change?"
Dc:., :.
SOl1--; . .:
!--ts!'
-
CUS|--.:-.'
rr'it:-
166
L9T
Jo euo JI
tI otul
esBe
ot se^lesrno^
^toll
lv
's]ql qll^\
,,2a8uer1c
'eso[ or
strlurl JnoI qsnd ol no^ e8JnoJua I 'lcEluos e^3 e^lsuelxa o1 PeulolsnJ -cBun eJE oslB se^B.t\ Pu sJorlcuE euros lnq 'spuelsr Jo enrl Llletcedsa
sl
slql
'sal,a
laql
'11a,
ot seuroJ ll
r.uoq 'I
:noL aprn8
',4.rt rIJ e tr uem8 a.Leq no,{ I1tun luaur8Pn[ a,Lraser nol ]sa88ns I 'Len srqt ur alr^teJ ot peldrueue Lpearle t.ue^Eq no[;1 're,'rr o] uorlrsodsrperd s,ute-rq
'ra.ra.r,r.oq
^\eul
eqs
.,r,Ilue-1
rno.( Surtrncrrr4JoLls ot lunoulBtuel st Eutop are nod lEtllN 'Punolord aq uer stlnsat er{l la^ 'alduls ,le.trfdacep punos deur sIqI 'Parotueue lsr$ eratr notr ueq^d sB s.(em arues eql ut e8e8ua l,lleuorluelur ol sroPesseqrue pue sa.nrlnuud s,rauued rno,( pue rnol uo 8uq1ec dq srqr oP notr 'PDiuoJ a{a q8nottp autl {ooq sql ur aldrcuud qlup eI{I
kn tp aaol na\t
alpw\a.L upc
slauin4lBql
sI
Laq|I
e^IlcnJlsap 'Lde;aqr
lleql
Jer{
ur
'sBA\
eldnoc puEtsrepun ot elqE are.,r,r [aql 'lsrderaq] e 1o dleq eqr qrllN Jetua ot peer8e eqs 'eso[ g]1.t\ eilcuof,al ot ]druelle req u1 'sal,a Suuope dlsno
-r,r.ard
s,puerurv uI ulpslp
^^dES
se
^\ou
dlqrqeul eq] pue ':auued:a -f,Ilue pezrlrsuas l,pa.ro s,a,r te.merpqrltr 'uorlcefar 3o sl uaeg sEq drqsuoneler peur
Llaruerlxe eq uer Sur.rerc ss u1 'sa.{e Jraql olur ButzeE
s
qtr^\ PEq ecuo eqs e^ol Punoj^deu Jo lueulellJxe eql PeJe^of,sIPOJ PeI{ eqs uI elour ol Joq paPensrad oq,m 'ueru .tep1o 8ur
Surrrerteq os plp eqs 'rulq qtL\\ tB Jo ueDrus pareedde
-qsep E 'puerury qtl^\ JIJJB uB ol pal strp '.\1en]ue^E 'req uI Polserelul lseel oq.^d. ueur.{q pe8pel,vrouIf,E sE.{" eqs uarl^rJleslaq lnoq
poo8 r1e; aqs 'srer{ Sutlaes saLe ro; }uauruoJllua aq} Suluuecs
ol {ool
aqs
Jraql u
ll
'puetsul 'l,e,lo,e pa>1oo1 aqs 'sa.(e leq otul {ool ot PeIJt eq ueql6'lel{Jo slueulqsl -und pasoddns srq roJ turq qsrund ol UoJJO ue uI (^lu8ue saurlJaulos 'ulg ruor;
PUE
eqg 'Lre;luoc er{t ol petsalotd eq qBnoqr uane 'lealerpqll^A ^d,erpqlr^{ uortrefar sade srq ur aas ot ue8eq eqg 'urq e^allaq t.uplp lensuoo lng
uale 'eArsnllur
l,Fe.Lo
readd
'PerJJEur
asle^Pe zi,lsnoauellnu,rrs aq
7o
derp ero;aq urlt eroul JaI{ pe^ol arl patslsut eH 'Jeq PIE^Aot sBuIIeeJ a,uleBau due paruep {luauraqa,n esof 'etur] qlEA 'pe^\olloJ suonetuoryuoc Jeqlo
1SO1:)
an 5l 1AO1
If the discomfort
keeping you from feeling safe and secure with each other.
2. Vary your approach.
stress eye contact because of its great potential senses are powerful, as well. You
may want to turn the I See You exercise into I Touch You, or even
try
try rekindling love through eye contact until a fight has erupted with your partner, it may be too late, at least for
that instance. You want to practice ahead of time, when tensions are low. The point is to find ways to rewire so your ambassadors are pre' disposed to come online before your primitives. Then, when tensions
do rise, that more loving response will be second nature to you
.': ': long, but the anr, .:: Now suppt'.c '.' :: - .' body. Imagine i l-. ,:
.
I*ftt;.r
ci:-. :. .
. .: .
relationship. stron..
increasing it. \'es. ir
:::.
168
[ueu osle ]nq 'elduexe JoJ sPuBIsI-slEnPI^IPul eulos 'noL ol dn dle8rel sr noL rol slro^\ lI Le.lrr qorq,'tr pue 's[em q]oq IJo,^A uBf, lI 'sa 'lI Sulseerf,ul ro Surrnper retpre Lq ,peol Jnelsoll rno ecuenuul l,18uous 'drqsuorlelar pelruruor .{reuttrd rno {letradsa pu 'sJerllo ql}^A sdlqsuollelal JnO
'er8pftuorqr; pue'stluqlre'selaqerp'esBesIP
'peo1 rno; esar{t }o 1p ro ,{ue ur ssaulll dola.tep uec rreeq Surpnlcur f,rtelsollB d.r.eag e etBlnurnf,lE e,u;t 'eu1l ra^O 'clloqBlaul PUE 'Lroleuruegur 'euntuturoJn 'JelnJsBAoIPJec :stualsls lecr8olorstiqd roleru rno; se^lo^u] PBol
arvr
,suretsds
rlttsollv
sB
'a;11
rnoq8norr{l
sn Jo
JoJ
fed a^{
elrd eql
ue'4AEf,J
ornrg tq^d sr sarntrpuadxe ssorls lelol Jno^ Joj aAIaceJ nod ,,lllq, ogl 'pelelJler eq l,uEl 'adrd [>1ee1 ]Bql ruo$ 'elqB relB,4A aqt a{ll Pue 'ssells ol onP eurll ra.l,o deme pedaas sBrl lI 'sI ]qI -,^d.eueruou sr d8reua slqt Jo eruos leql loJ agl lunooce otul eIBl '^llEuoIrlPPV .sasserts snorre^ s(ojrl ot Surrdepe papuadxa a.teg nod l8reue r{Jnul ^&orl '[poq ees ot lcueJu] esurs pa>lleqc uaeq t.usBq ruatsls sser]s rnol, leql eur8erul rnoL ur a8esn ,{8reua arnsaur l,Felruls ol alqtssod ere^a lJ asoddns 'uo|\tr 'snourJoue sI aulll Je.{o Palsd\ nol" relelr Jo lunouru erp rnq '3uo1 os roJ onurluor IBol eqt lal nol, reql lsnl ]ou s(ll ipeuunls ar,no'{ pue 1 rnol pa>paqr '11 le >1oo1 notr a,r.o51 'sruaA.brtgl 'des 'ut lllq rel,l.r {gluoru I aut8eu I
t(ue^Brl nol, pue '{Bel
E
^dols
--
suolsuel ueq,r
no^ IBaH uE3 :oJI-I dlqsrouued rno ^aoH rarqtlBaH 'rerddeH B e^Il
0I uflrdvH)
It
as :.:
t.:':
sI ler{.r\ ele8rlsa-rurs-s:;:i:
-ognize how ther'\\-er- ::.:::.: outright threat., thc', :-: ..: ellects their behar r. :
',r
-:
.
This chapter focuses on the health hazards as well as the health benefits that come with a primary relationship. As you read it, consider what you
might do to ensure that your relationship mitigates stress and always contributes to your greater health and happiness.
t.r.. -: they did, somethrni r r- : Ralph and Lorr immediare[y, a: JiJ tions.
ih., :.
- -.
STRESS
Br Axxoyr\c
.
If you ask a couple to identify the main sources of stress in their lives, chances are they won't point to their relationship. In many cases, that answer is exactly should be. However, for some couples, this represents a blind spot. Aithough they may be alert to stress in other areas of their lives, such as stress
as
caused by a boss at work or financial problems, they are comes to stress in their relationship.
it
in denial when it
I often tell cou;.:: :-. rhings that are ann' \::.- their partner. You can b; :.:.:. it later. But threats .-ni.::, matter what .ot, con.::;: -. ening by your pannc:. :-.:.
behaviors that
Ralph and Lorraine have been together for more than thirty years. Midway in their marriage, both made expiicit and implicit suggestions that the very existence of the relationship was in continuous question. For example, when they fought, Ralph would say, "lf you don't quit yelling, you won't have anyone to yell at anymorel" Later, he'd say, "I don't know, maybe I'm just
not cut out for this marriage thing."
trpic.:11 r:
? V V V ? v ? ?
r: -
-:
\7hen
During this time, two of their three children began to manifest symptoms
of depression and anxiety. Lorraine started to become physicaliy symptomatic,
Fortunately, Raiph and Lorraine were able in therapy to get to the bot, tom of what was making them sick. Life was hard enough, but it was even
Withdrau ins
r r r:'
170
ILI
uale
o.{\t ro rnorl uE uEqt ra8uol sPoued roJ EUL^d'BJPqrIlN &
Suor.Lr e oB
sE^\ t1
lnq 'g8noue p
rqBu e1eru ro
PUB 3uo1
ledal ol Sursn;ag A
ool ro; uo 3utp1op1 &
8ul]tel tou
o1
'pasrruordruoc
se.,rr
tuelsl,s
raulred rno.{
stearql
uosrad eqt tsure8e slBerqJ & derc cnaqled reqr dlqsuouelar egl lsure8e
slerlll *
11nd
no.i
Sur8eg A
:Suruatearqt paleplsuoJ are dllectd& leql srol^eqoq
leql
suoUsoSSns
ltctldu:t
p
r
'sreel,
tI
sse.rls sE
euros afe araq 'pres tBr{J 'ruelqord e a,teq noL uaql 'rauued rno.{ dq Surua .teenll se pe.l,racrad sI loI^EL[eq Jno^J] l8uluelerql rePlsuoc fto( leqa relletu d11eer r,useop tI 'reloeJolAl '[]uncas Lre.t rno.{ lncJePun slearql lng 'relel 1l uer no1 'reu]red rleql rnoqe q8nel pue 'ere; rnod uo olltus
,{es
B
qlur,r
8utlouue
eq
;o sel,e eqt ur SuruatEaJql eq Je^eu uBf, Lerp rng 'Surrtouue ere legl s8urql ro op uec deql alqqnq aldnoc rleqt ulqll^d leql saldnoc IIel ueuo I
{}cexe
sr Jedasue
leql 'sesel
DNTN1JVIXHI UlAlN
:r".1lo
rns DNIIONNV
1fl
ssrurs
qt""
tnoqe paurldruoc pue pen8;e llls qdleg PUE eulerro'1 'aJII lellos raql uI Pue 'looqcs tE 'atuoq re persnfpe rauaq pue rardderl pereedde ualPllql eqJ 'suoll
-etldled treeq Surcuauedxe peddors qdleg 'uorssardap raq PIP sE '^lelelperuurr tsorul pa,r.ordrur qtpeq s(ouIJJo'I 'peuaddeq snolnJerlur Surqletuos 'PlP .{eql
'lr pea:
'sserl
pu-e
qdleg
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EJI'I
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realen i ng.
4.
Do you and
"
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Expressing contempt (devaluation; e.g., "you're a moron") Expressing disgust (loathing or repulsion; e.g., "you make me sick")
rl.
,, -
L"
'i
Lynn Katz and John Gottman (1993) studied the deleterious effects of
partners' expressions of contempt and found that not only does this behavior put the relationship at risk, but it has a disruptive influence on their children's
HTRTTNG WITH
It's not enough ro n-.:r.':--::
Serve aS your
behavior. Gottman (2004) ranks contempt, which he defines as including disgust, disrespect, condescension, and sarcasm, as the number one predictor
of divorce.
Sfror-ri:.
. ----
If any of the behaviors listed apply to your relationship, then you or your partner are a threat to live with, and ultimately destructive to your collective
wish to remain safe and secure. Remember, partners are wired together: where
one goes, so goes the other. If you are threatening or if your partner feeis threatened, or vice versa, it can't be good for you, either. You owe it to your relationship to immediately eliminate all threatening behavior. If this means seeking the help of a therapist, as in the case of Ralph and Lorraine, I can't
thi: r:;-. Susi and Tam::, -: -.: contacr or nurturrr.. 1.. -' kissed as a child. .\: :r. ,- couple handled
:r
-:
argulnent, but neir:..: =' .- -' j. . Iel lives and rareh r'-. weren't affectiona:. : l.-=.
T,:-. , -
disr':.;. .
SPOTS
Do you think you might have a blind spot when it comes to the level 0f stress
at h0mep lf you answer yes l0 the fOll0wing, stress may be hurting your
relationship.
drome, diabetes,
tact contributed to the'': i-. 1. Do you or others in your family have frequent and unexplained physical ailments, such as digestive problems, insomnia, chronic pain, chronic
fatigue, or allergiesP Any autoimmune or inflammatory problemsP
anl :l
ir
:.
172
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i^ltuonllorJ tqFlJ Jouued Jno^ pup n0^ 00 iFuluatEortll
't
IAUUIU tS:r
1.
r.-r
every day.
convenient.
lt can
l-,.
in
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(1969), Margaret Mahler and her colleagues (Mahler, Pine, and Bergman 2000), and David Stern (1998) found identical needs in human infants and
feels uneasl \rilh pf ',: your partner. Ch.rntt> But that doesn
n ea''
rr.'.
will not fully settle if touch is unavailable to us. Do you remember the study I mentioned in chapter 2 about the London \7eil, a recent study by
:i
'War veterans suffering Brigitte Apfel and her team (2011) found that Gulf from chronic stress had a smaller hippocampus than did veterans who had recovered from stress. One interpretation of this finding is that our hippocampus actually shrinks when we are under stress for an extended time. Not
dal:
only does the hippocampus regulate our stress response, but chronic stress appears to inhibit its ability to control the release of stress hormones. \7hile you're unlikely to ever determine the size of your hippocampus, all this goes
to say it's valuable to know something we may take for granted-such as the amount of time spent touching or hugging-can have measurable neurobiological consequences. Moreover, giving each other the touch you need may
well have the capacity to reverse damages.
TENIH
GUToTI,J
: -
\r'i::
t'rr::
don't mean just making love; that's part 0f it, of course, but there's much
more: hugging, holding each other, cuddling, holding hands, kissing, giving a
massage, and s0 0n. C0ntact in these ways is nOt Only enj0yable, it serves as
actual medicine for both of y0u-t0 help your body heal, and as a preventive means to maintain your health.
lf you haven't already, I suggest you add this to your daily rouline over the next week.
reduction have bec.-, familiar with theseenough sleep, er.rcr: missing in most apprr ners can play. I'm s-r
174
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JOUTUT
letll ln8
^ls 'JauuPd JnOI uooq s^uMle a^uq n0^ lBtll tlFlLl aJe socuuqc
rq ot Peru IIE :.\\ : . Pue sluBJur uEurml ui i:i; ueu8rag pue 'aur4 ':;--:.
dq1.ltog uqof se q]ns ':rr---:
slaoJ tlltM ll lnOqp IlBl puu ,{u,nn,{ue slql 0p 'lculuOc lEcls^tld ullM ^sBaun OLIM oLr0oru0s oJB n0^ Jl '^quq e plnOM n0^ su JaLll0uu auO olpeJc ua^o J0 'z 'ssoJpc '0lppnc uuc nOA ixas 0N 'lcluOc lucls^qd osOlc ul otxll sltll puods
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the dimension of stress reduction to your owner's manual. Knowing the three or four things that make your partner feel bad gives you an
advantage when
it comes to detecting
You and your partner can support one another in reducing stress
by making sure you engage in healthy activities and achieve balance
in
your lifestyle. If you notice your partner isn't getting enough sleep, for example, step in and help find a solution. You might volunteer to take
be the time to go to the gym together. Or if your partner had a hard day at work, maybe tonight is the right evening to rent that comedy you've talked about watching.
2. Be aware of the unique experience of stress. As you help manage your
en all is sar:
messing
and most oi u,
rhin:.
partner's stress, keep in mind that everyone experiences stress in a different way. For example, a tax audit that causes you to lose sleep could be seen by your partner as a minor blip on the radar. In this case, you
each bring a different history and set of feelings about financial matters. So be careful not to impose your own evaluation of stress on your
j:,
partner. Remember, you are an expert on him or her. So when you help your partner reduce stress, you do so on his or her terms. And, of
course, your partner
Thankfully, relationshi
and you're out. Couples l::gertips. The universe keeps
i.
As you age....Not all illness is caused by stress, but stress can aggravate any illness and make it worse. As you and your partner age, you inevitably will encounter the natural challenges all our bodies face as the years advance. Know, however, that by loving one another fully,
rru.
learning how
to
irritating qualities.
relationship rather than pro-self, and wiring yourselves for love, you stand the best chance of enjoying a happy, healthy, and ultimately
satisfying union.
176
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Ainsworth, \'1. D
i. j -. .
.
Academic
P:e
..
Apfel,B.A.J R-.-.
M. W. \\'crllc:. \
Jillercnc
:.
.
c.
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matic
sl
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. -. -
Bowlbl, J. [o1'"
Dittarni. J.. \f .
'
Fisher,
-:.
-
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Happine,s
L'.
Tl-c
Hrrlow, H.
Iait.
'
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:VJ
:
acualrs o tna
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a\L 'orlotlr
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uV
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''I ''I
puB
'uory
'y
'/002 :qcseol)
'C pue 'reJoqltrez '[ 'eune;1 'S 'alqcs]Eqrel 'I 'sralca;1 'y\ "[ ']ureirlq
's{oog rrsg :lro1,^aeN 'ssoJ puD ruaru\)Diiv'696I'[ tql.ttog
' : s sarls lllul BV ?-It I 9) 69 d"ttp t\c ds d 1wB olorg' sruoldruLs reProslP -ne.utsod eurltaJll snsrel tuerrnJ qtr^{ suJetel rBlN JInC ur seJuereJJ1p 'ue1.{e51'C ; pue }..1.S '11 'raurer16 lN'lAI aunlo^ ledruecoddrll'1197 '[ I .11oqral,et^{ 'f 'A 'urne111 '['ssog '[ ''V'g 'l"JdV
'sserd cruapBf,v
:lro1 .ureN 'L;*LI '.reJJeqJS 'X 'g ,{q pelrpe \uonDlar lDDos uDuln\ lo suttst;,o a\L ul 'sp1o real auo Jo ror^Brlaq uor]Bntrs a8uerls ur socue '['C pr" 'llag'n 'S ''S 'C 'y\ 'r-[]roA\surv
-reJJrp
sasueJeJeu
M. 1993. Patterns of marital conflict predict children's internalizing and externalizing behaviorc. Deuelopmental
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Kiecolt-Glaser J. K., T. J. Loving, J. R. Stoweil, W. B. Malarkey, S. Lemeshow, S. L. Dickinson, and R. Glaser. 2005. Hostile marital interactions, proin-
Stern, D.
N.
1998.
Ih;
:'
:. l:=
i.:
::
marriage?
:40
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10902 00 6 -900 1 -x
-
l.'i.'.
a
Maclean,
l,'
doi: doi:
ll
Maguire, E. A., D. G. Gadian, I. S. Johnsrude, C. D. Good, J. Ashburner, R. S. Frackowiak, and C. D. Frith. 2000. Navigation-related structural change
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of the National
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1957.
\:
McEwen, B. S. 2000. 'Allostasis and allostatic load: implications for neuropsychopharmacology" Neuropsychopharmacology 22(2):108-24. doi:10
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Pakkenberg,
8., and H. Gundersen. 1997. Neocortical neuron number in humans: Effect of sex and age. The Journal of Comparatiue Neurology
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:
Sapolsky, R. M. 2004. Wlry Zebras Don't Get Ulcers (3rd ed.). New York: Holt.
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