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"Wiredfor

Loq,,e

challenges partners to experience their relationship in a totally

new way. Partners will learn how to engage positively as a couple to help each other feel safe and secure by following the relationship exercises suggested in

this exciting new book. In clear, concise language, Tatkin describes the

ways

that partners can understand and become experts on one another. He suggests building a "couple bubble" wherein each partner is the most important person in the other's life, the one individual on whom the partner can always count."

-Marion

F. Solomon, director of

clinical training at Lifespan

Learning Institute and author of Narclsslsm and Intimacy, Lean on

Me, and other books

"Read this book to discover a multitude of new ways to enliven your relation,

ship and end needless conflicts. Stan Tatkin is one of the most innovative thinkers in the couples relationship world today. It's impossible to read this
book without learning new patterns to enhance your love."

-Ellyn

Bader, PhD, cocreator of the developmental model of couples

therapy, codirector of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA, and author of TeIlMe No Lies andln Quest of thelvbthicalMate

"Reading Stan Tatkin's book makes you want to be in therapy with him. With

intense and fearless clariry he takes you into the trenches of the combative human brain and shows you how to make love, not war."

-Esther

Perel, LMFT, author of MatinginCaptivity

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Publisher's Note
This publication is designed to provide dccurate and authoritatiue information in regard to the subject matter cooxred. h is sotd with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering pslchological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the seruices of a competent professional should be sought.

Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books Copyright O 2011 by Stan Tatkin


New Harbinger Publications, Inc. 5674 Shattuck Avenue

Oakland, CA94609
'

www.newharbinger.com

Cover design by Amy Shoup; Text design by Tiacy Marie Carlson; Acquired by Tesilya Hanauer; Edited by Clancy Drake

All

Rights Reserved

Library of Congress Cataloging-in'Publication Data

Tatkin, Stan. Wired for love : how understanding your partner's brain and attachment style can help you defuse conflict and build a secure relationship / Stan Tatkin. p.cm.
Includes bibliographical references.

ISBN 978-1-60882-058-0 (pbk) -- ISBN 978-1-60882-059.7 (pdfe-book)

1. Intimacy (Psychology) 2. Interpersonal relations..Psychological aspects. 3. Cognitive psychology. I. Title.


8F575.r5T38 LAn
158.7'4--dc73 2011028010

Printed in the United States of America

15 14 1098765

13

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WIRED FoR LOVE

CHeprrR

Launchings and Landings: How to Use Morning

andBedtimeRituals
CunprEn
6

....

.89

The Gojfb People: How to Remain Available to

OneAnother
CHRpre R 7

. . 103 . ll9

Protecting the Couple Bubble: How to Include Outsiders

CHnprrn

Fighting Well: How to \Vin by Letting Your Partner 'Win,

Too

139

CHRprrR

Love Is Up Close: How to Rekindle Love Through

EyeContact.
CHeprrn
10

..157

Live a Happier, Healthier Life: How Your Partnership

CanHealYou. Postscript References

. .169

. I77
. 179

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WIRED FOR LOVE


We have little information about how prehistoric couples chose each other and how they related to each other, but the informed imagination of

cultural anthropologist Helen Fisher offers us some clues that prior to 11,000
years ago, couples formed a "pair bond" for the purposes of procreation and

physical survival. She believes this bond was based on an implicit ethic of

"sharing" that served mutual interests and needs. Their roles were specific. \Vomen gathered wood for the fires, cared for the children, and gathered

fruit, berries, nuts, and roots, which they shared with the men. Men hunted wild game, which they shared with the women and children, whom they also protected from other men and wild animals. While these pair relationships were clearly sexual, they were not very durable and it is probable that they were not very intimate. Estimates are that they lasted about three years on average, or until the children were mobile. Both sexes repeatedly sought and
consummated other relationships. \7omen gave birth to many children from

different fathers and men sired many children with whom they most likely spent little time and whom they seldom recognized as their progeny. Most children were reared by single mothers and transient fathers. That ail changed about 11,000 years ago when, according to the same body of research, the hunters and gatherers learned how to grow food and

corral and breed animals. No longer having to search for food, they settled down into small compounds and villages, and the concept of "property" that had to be protected arose. This concept may have applied at first only to animals and crops, but since children and women also needed protection, the concept eventually extended to include them. Small social groups evolved into villages, cities, and even empires, adding new layers of importance to
social relations. The concept of property ownership gave birth to economics,

and who children belonged to and whom they married became critically
important components of both social and economic structures. So the second
version of couplehood, the "arranged marriage," was born. It had nothing to do with romantic attraction, personal needs, or mature love and everything

to do with social status, economic security, and political expedience. So parents collaborated with other parents, usually without much regard for the preferences of their sons and daughters, to select spouses for their children
who would improve or maintain the social and economic status of the family

Little if any attention was paid to the quality of the couple's relationship. The couple were expected to honor family values and approved
as a whole.

IX

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WIRED FOR LOVE


religious professionals before the development of professional counseling and

psychotherapy-to conflict resolution, negotiation, and problem solving. This was helpful to some couples whose issues were not so difficult, but for others the conflict resolution process was a failure. These more difficuit cou. ples were advised to engage in depth psychotherapy to work through their long-standing personal problems independent of their relationship, and to separate from each other with the assumption that when they came back together, free of their personal neuroses, they could meet each others' needs,
current and past, and create a satisfying and wonderful relationship. This model did not work very well. Most partners who were successful in their private psychotherapy tended to divorce rather than reconcile. The divorce rate reached about 50 percent, and there it has heid steady for the past sixty years. The statistics on the success of marriage therapy has held steady at around 30 percent-not a shining success for this fledgling
profession.

In recent

years we have discovered that the major problem

with this

model is its focus on the "individuai" as the foundational unit of society and

on the satisfaction of personal needs as the goal of marriage. Given that democracy gave political reaiity to the concept of the individual and Freud illuminated the architecture of the interior of the seli this perspective makes sense. It led Freud to locate the human problem inside the individual and to
create psychotherapy as a cure for the ills of the self. Since marital counseling

and couples therapy are the handmaidens of psychotherapy, it makes sense that marital therapy would focus on healing the individuals as a precondition for a satisfying relationship. It also makes sense that therapists would assume that the problem was unmet needs "inside" the individuals and that relationships existed to satisfy those needs. This all give birth to this narrative of
marriage: If your relationship is not satisfying your needs, you are married to the wrong person. You have a right to the satisfaction of your needs in a rela-

if that does not happen, you should change partners and try again to get the same needs met with a different person. To put it in more crass terms, your marriage is about "you" and your needs and if it does not
tionship, and
provide you with satisfaction, its dissolution is justifiable no matter the consequences for others, even the children.

This narrative has birthed the phenomena of multiple marriages, oneparent families, shattered children, the "starter" marriage, and cohabitation

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IIIX

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WIRED FOR LOVE


healing of childhood wounds, which may in fact not be healable, but the cre. ation of a relationship in which two persons are reliably and sustainably pres.

ent to each other empathically. This new emotional environment develops


new neural pathways flowered with loving presence that replace the old toxic

pathways that are filled

with the debris of the sufferings of childhood.

Couplehood becomes the container for the joy of being, which is a connected

relationship. And, since the quality of couplehood determines the tenor of the social fabric, the extension ofthat joy from the local to the global could
heal most human suffering.

In my view, Wiredfor Loveby Stan Tatkin is more than an addition to the vast literature directed to couples.

It is more than

a brilliant integration of
is

recent brain research with the insights of attachment theory. It is an instance

of an emergent literature expressing a new paradigm of couplehood. This

no small achievement: this book will help couples flourish in their relationships and it will aid the professionals who want to help couples be more effective. Since the author has provided a thorough guide for those on the journey to lasting love, it requires no summary here. It speaks for itseli and I encourage

you to begin reading now. Your view of how to be in an intimate relation-

ship and of the potential of marriage for personal and social healing will
change forever!

XIV

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E

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e^ol roJ PerIA :uortcnPortul

WIRED FOR LOVE


benefit from this wealth of research. You may flnd this idea intimidating, but don't worry: I'm not suggesting you need to quit your day job and go back to school.

I thlnk you'll find the basic theories quite straightforward

when you

hear them explained in lay language.

In short, it's my conviction that having a better understanding about how our brains function*in other words, how we're wired-puts us in a better position to make well-informed choices in our relationships. Scientific evidence suggests that, from a biological standpoint, we humans have been wired

largely for purposes that are more wariike than loving in nature. That's the
bad news. But the good news is that recent research suggests a variety ofstrat egies and techniques are available to reverse this predisposition. We can,

in

effect, take steps to assure we are primarily wired for love. These strategies can help us create stable, loving relationships in which we are poised to effec, tively defuse conflict when it arises. So why not make use of them? In the first three chapters of this book, I provide you with general principles, drawn from cutting-edge research, to help you understand what makes a relationship successful and work toward that with your partner. The chapters that follow expand on these principles

in practical ways. For exampie, if you have a clear

sense of your partner's rela-

tionship style based on the latest research, it will be easier for the two of you to work together and fix any problems that may arise. In essence, this book
can serve as an owner's manual for understanding yourself, your partner, and your relationship.

Now, you may raise your eyebrows at the notion of an owner's manual. Your pa_rtner isn't property, after all. I couldn't agree more. However, I like

this metaphor because

it

conveys

the level of mutual responsibility and

detailed knowledge of the relationship a couple needs to be successful. In fact,

I would propose to you that all couples do in fact follow one or another set of rules and principles in their relationship. They may not be conscious of it, but they already have an owner's manual of sorts. Unfortunately, many couples have the wrong manual. And in the case of distressed couples, they always
have it wrong.

In my work with couples, I've noticed that partners tend to form their
own theories about the cause of their problems. They do this out of distress and despair, and out of their need to know why, "Why am I in pain?" "Vhy
am I feeling threatened or unsafe?" "\Why is this relationship not working out

'erntnJ er{t ur Jlas^ur roJ Pu"'sral{lo JoJ eJn

lou rq8nu
mo11e;

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1

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NOIrtncof rNI

WIRED FOR LOVE


Ultimately, I came up with several key areas of research I believed could point toward the difference between success and failure in relationships. I'm

not speaking of research I conducted; these were the fields of study I men. tioned earlier that have witnessed enormous leaps forward in the past few
decades. The more I studied the latest findings and observed how they played

out daily in my office, the more lights flashed in my mind. I reaiized this valuable knowledge wasn't being properly synthesized for and focused on adult

with couples had not begun to connect the dis. parate dots of various sciences. They were a bit like technical support people
couples. Therapists working

working with out-of-date manuals. Their advice only went so far. I became convinced the most important thing I could do with my time and energy was

to find the connections between these areas of research and put them to
practical clinical use. One of these areas is the field of neuroscience, the study of the human brain. This, I discovered, provides a physiological basis for understanding our strengths and weaknesses, including those that drive our relationships. For example, I am utterly stupid when it comes to math, an ability managed by
many parts of the brain, such as the intraparietal sulcus. Fortunately, my work doesn't depend on math, nor do my relationships with my wife and daughter.

But my ability to read faces, emotional tone, and social cues (managed by the brain's right hemisphere) is a different matter. If I were weak in that area, I would be out of a job and maybe even a marriage (again). As we will see in chapter 2, some parts of our brain predispose us to first and foremost seek security. This can wreak havoc on a relationship if we don't learn to use the
more evolved parts of the brain to override this wiring and exert control over the primitive parts.

A second area of research is attachment theory, which explains our biological need to attach to or bond with others, starting with our earliest relationships. Our early experiences form an instructional blueprint that is stored

in body memory and becomes part of our basic relational wiring-our sense of safety and security. In a nutshell, some individuals are fundamentally secure in their relationships, while others are insecure. Insecurity can lead us to remain distant from a partner or to harbor ambivalence about relating.
However insecurity manifests, as we
acquired early in life.

will

see

in chapter 3, it

has insidious

effects on a relationship if we don't try to rewire the dysfunctional tendencies

'(ruelertqtue
l,1e-rncesur) sele,^d ro'(luepro,r.e Llarncasut) spuEIsI'(potlceu

,lernces) sJorlcue se trpreturrd rer{toue auo ot elBIeJ sreuuBd A


'esue te

lnd ere urelq aqt Jo slred

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eJBs

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rerll seldlcuud

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Le1 uer tuasard I

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1

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1 1

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lurqt

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er{I

NOIJ_lnCOdJ-NI

WIRED FOR LOVE

Partners who are experts on one another know how to please and soothe each other.

v
? ?

Partners with busy lives should create and use bedtime and morning rituals, as well as reunion rituals, to stay connected. Partners should serve as the primary go'to people
another.

for

one

Partners should prevent each other from being a third wheel when relating to outsiders.
Partners who want to stay together must learn to fight well'

? ? ?

Partners can rekindle their love


contact.

at any time through

eye

Partners can minimize each other's stress and optimize each


other's health'

These principles are based on the latest science, but let me stress again: you don't have to grasp the technicalities of the science to understand these principles. I.have done that for you. In fact, I've done my best to make them

fun and enjoyable. I promise not to put you to

with scientific jargon. As I said, life is complex enough already. If there is a hallmark for this age, per. haps it will be our ability to take the complex findings of scientific research and apply rhem smoorhly and effectively in our everyday lives, to better
sleep

understand ourselves and to love more fully. Each chapter includes exercises to help you apply the principle discussed therein. You can do most of the exercises on your own, or you and youl part,

ner can do them together. Actually, there is a certain irony here. An importanr premise of this book is that happy couples share a high degree of closeness and togetherness. Yet most people tend to read books-even books about

relationships-on their own. So I encourage you to buck this trend. Share what is in this book with your partner. You will get even more out of it.

'd1eq

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WIRED FOR LOVE

TT-TE

RELATIONSHIP COMES FTNST

to end the Jenny and Bradley were on the brink of brealcup. Neither wanted relationship, but bad things kept happening, and each blamed the other. They had started dating as freshmen, and they were now about to graduate from
college. Both wanted to get married and have a family.

She enjoyed Jenny's family resided on the East Coast near the coilege'

with them, particularly her mother, with whom she spoke daily. Bradley hailed from the \fest Coast, where his family lived. Because of the disrance, he made bnly one trip annually, each time inviting Jenny. She often felt neglected during these trips, despite the fact that she adored Bradley's father. Bradley liked to attend parties and engage with his friends in a way
close ties

that left Jenny to fend alone against advances from other men and what she considered dull conversations with their dates. Bradley never seemed to notice Jenny's discontent during these events, but certainly felt the sting of
her angry withdrawal afterward.

Their conversations would go something like this: "You always do this!" she says. "You bring me to these things and then leave me standing there as if I don't exist. I don't know why you bother to invite mel"
Bradley's response is defensive. "I'm sick and tired of having this conver-

sation. You're being ridiculous. I didnt do anything wrongl" To make her case, Jenny brings up Bradley's friend, Tommy, who she says has been inappropriate with her. "He gets drunk and comes on to me, and you

don't even notice. I don't feel protected by you at

a11."

Bradley's response, again, is dismissive. "He's just playing around'"

These conversations usually ended with Jenny going off to sulk and Bradley feeling punished. Nor did things go better when the situation was reversed, Jenny often visited her family, and expected Bradley to join her. He complained she disappeared with her mother and sisters, forcing him to '!7hen the cou' "hang" with her father, with whom he had little in common. ple were alone, their conversations about this sounded similar in many ways to the previous one:

"I can't stand coming here," Bradley complains'


"'Why?" Jenny sounds surprised.

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sLe,r,r,1e

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'Suueeg

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s,eq 'oot 'nod

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lHJ

WIRED FoR LOVE


In our modern'Western culture, marriage for loye tends to be the norm.
'W'e

expect to be swept off our feet or to feel whole and completed or to believe

we've met our soul mate. And we expect this profound connection to sustain

our relationship. Nothing seems more important. However, these feelings and ideals often exact a price ifwe as partners are unable to provide one another

with a satisfying level of security. The truth is, even if a couple does experience a profound connection, this represents only the beginning of their rela-

tionship. lVhat ultimately counts in the life of the couple is what happens 'S7hat after their courtship, love affair, or infatuation phase. counts is their
abillty to be there for one another, no matter what.
Consider another couple, Greta and Bram, both thirty. When they married a year ago, they rented an apartment in the city, where Greta was securely
employed as a school teacher. Bram's family lived in a nearby rural town, and

he commuted to work in the family agricuitural business.


Each year, Greta was required to attend a gala fundraiser for her school.

It was not the type of event that ordinarily suited Bram, who preferred dungarees to dress shirts, ties, and jackets. He also tended to feel shy and even a

bit tongue tied, especially in gatherings with folks he didn't know. Greta, on the other hand, moved well in large circles of strangers. Despite their differences, however, Bram prepared himself for an evening with Greta on his arm. Their conversation as they dressed went something like this: "It's not you, you know," Bram says with a concerned look on his face, while on his third attempt to make a proper tie. "I just dont like being with all these peopie I dont know."

"I

appreciate your willingness

"I know," Greta replies, staring straight ahead as she applies her eyeliner. to come anyway. The moment you want to
"Okay," says Bram, as he finally gets the tie right.

leave, we'll go. Okay?"

After she parks their car, Greta turns to Bram and switches on the overhead light. "How do I look?" she asks, puckering her lips.
"Beautiful as usual," Bram replies with a lingering gaze into her eyes. She scans his eyes in return, and a moment passes as they enjoy a mutual
gale of excitement. "Let's make a plan," she says softly. "You'Il keep me on your arm when we go in, and I'11 probably see some people I know. Don't leave
me, okay? I want to introduce you."

10

II

op II(I pue Surqt rno[ op notr,, st a8essaru 8ul{rapun rla]-lJ 'uosled reqlo aqr raqurerlrer ol IrEJ r{cBe lagl ureraq.tr suor]Bntls 1no.&1d dlpnurluoc lagl ']1nsar e sV 'tueruear8e ;o ad.{t ,,I gtlm tr{81r ile eq plnoqs nod 'aru ro; poo8 s,l1 ;1,, ue ot Surprocce Surnq ere daqt 'JeI{teU
s,,(a1pe.lg
'11e

le durouorne Ll1eer }ou

sI JoI^Bqag

pue s,,{uua[ ,(q partdurr [tuouo]ne aqt ,(es ot rIBJ s.tl Iuqt I
'rce18au;o ILIIITIA el{t erB daqr 1ee; ,{aqr uaq.u ere.tte d11n;ured rng

'durouotne pe]lec-os rroqt Surureturetu ar,Larlt >1ulp laqr uerl,tr ualqord srtir jo erB^(rBun ere Lar11 'pelcalord pue tueuodrul IeeJ ol rerllouB euo uo puedep ,iagr rlorqaa ur suoltentls ur L1rood dlptcadse sryo^\ acuoPuadapur Jo esuas srgl'lueuodrulun pue 'peddorp 'pessrutstp sleeJ el{s ro aq'1oo; reqlo
s,eldnoc

eqt uo

.^Aou sl

srrl strns tr uaq.^A

eoqs Frqre^ord aqr rerp spulJ JaI{]Ia ueql6 'asodrnd u,^Ao JeI{ ro asec aqt $ sr{} 'drJle"r u1 tnq 'uorgseJ snoruouotne uE uI

{uo

e^Br{eq ot rerl}o egt stcedxe qcea 'satr 'aldurs letll elrnb lou s.ll 'le.La.lrro11 'punorB ruer{t ssoq auo rerllo aqt }al t.uoP pue ,,uosJad u,4d.o Jlaql,,

ere l,eql teqt ro 'ecuapuadepur leqt enlea Leqr retlt {der rq8lu deqr 'stqr tnoq utaqt peuorlsanb no[;1 'eldnoc E s speeu Jlaql Ja^o spaeu leuosrad rrer{t azrtrroud Leqt 'eloqs o} seruoc qsnd ual{l6. 'PuoJas aldnor e se pue 'lsrg

slenpl^lput s sellesrueqt aes Aeqr 'sI tBqI 'durouotne Jo euo sI lePow rtaqt des plnor alN 'ra1 pelool eq ol lcedxa tou plnoqs puB reqto erp;o ruapuedepur puets plnoqs qce teqt Jerleq sr aAnJrBu s,lalperg pue s,[uua[ ut ttcttdruy

AIIfVNINW
puelsrepun uBJ

SNSU:IA

AWONOINY

'are deqt s oq ot aruuc Leqt s uoltounJ laqr l^qm pu 'op ^roq ^ol{t e.tt }l ees pue IJBtep rateer8 ur seldnoc qtoq tE Iool s(tel rng 'l,reldruexe se dn plaq aq ol selJesap pue 'renag sleeJ {tereq sryo.r,r dtgsuon
-BIer r{f,rq^\ snorlqo dyqeqord s,t1 'eldnoc E sE suoltBntrs Surtpueq Jo sden tua -ra;;1p

Laqt se

,l,ia.t e^Eq tuerg pue eta.IC pue ,{elperg pue [uua['ees uBr noL sy (('eur ol are nod s luelJodurr sB lou lnq,, 'JeJ erll Jo lno la8 eterg ,,'tueuodrtrr sr qol srq;,, 'ssr] pue el]uls B ereqs daql
sdes
1

('eJI^\ inJltnBeq rnod ol loq tlnq eruosPueg rno[ ]eB ol no.{ lcadxe 'ler1t rage tnq,, 'pulI ur spuodsar,{1>1lnb etelg
,,'eur tnoqtt4^ oB deru notr,,

'sdrnb aq ((4uoorr-lteq eril

ol

oB

o] a^Bq I jI tBrllN,, 'alrus snorxue uE r{tr^\ spuodser ruerg ,,'.{e19,,

llggng lldnol lHJ-

WIRED FOR LOVE


my thing." Sounds mutual, doesn't it? Yet it is anything but mutual because it requires that the other partner be okay or else, and it condones the partners readily throwing one another under the bus. This brand of autonomy doesn't reflect true independence, but rather a fear of dependency. Instead of representing strength, it can represent weakness.

In contrast, Bram and Greta each appear to know something about how 1We can say their model the other thinks and feels, and each cares about that. is one of mutuality. It is based on sharing and mutual respect. Neither expects the other ro be different from who he or she is, and both use this shared knowledge as a way to protect one another in private as well as public settings.
For example, Greta anticipates Bram's discomfort and addresses it in a way that protects his dignity. She acts as if she needs him, though she knows he is the needier one in this situation. Neither Bram nor Greta is poised to throw the other under the bus. It is as if they maintain a protective bubble around
themselves.

The couple bubble rs a term I like to use to describe the mutually constructed membrane, cocoon, or womb that holds a couple together and pro' tects each partner from outside elements. A couple bubble is an intimate environment that the partners create and sustain together and that implicitly guarantees such things as:

V ? V ?

"I will never leave you."


"I will never frighten you purposely." "\7hen you are in distress, I will relieve you, even if I'm the one
who is causing the distress."

"Our relationship is more important than my need to be right,


your performance, your appearance' what other people think or

want, or any other competing value."

?
I

"You will be the first to hear about anything and not the second,

third, or fourth person I

te11."

say "implicitly," but couples can and often do make explicit agreements

around any or all of the elements that constitute the couple bubble.

I2

II
lnol, se^ol
JeAe euoeuros eJoJaqJlasJno^ a^ol

ot elqlssod

l,11eer 1r

sI lenJt srqrTo due

s1

,,'noL e,tol uec auoAue arolaq;1asrno.( e^ol ol elerJ

nol,

pue

,,drgsuortele; B ur eq ol lpear ]ou ur.L, se qcns stueuraounouord dSoloqclsd dod reaq er16 ,,31asdru;o erEO eIEt ll.I pue JlesJnoL;o arec eIBl no1,, .ro ,,8urql .{u op pue Surgr rnod op no1,, l,q dn parutuns eq UBJ ter{t suonnlos ol u-rnl 'leepl
11,1

uago oot ssaltslp ur seldnoc '.(elperg pue .{uua[ eT'I e^oqe ile.u ururer 'Surseercep eq Leru deqr al1q.L 'teqt sater eJro rp pue luoueuellB puE arualol^
Jo eJuepr3ul Sursu e lse8eureru Jo aprslno pu aplsul sseurleuol jo eJuepr^a Surseercur ees e,n 'durouolne uo srseqdura urelsolA, uleporu rno epts8uoly

rmYA or rwo:) s:rrdnol

,\ITTVnInW )rir^O IWONOTnY


^/v\oH

',{1e1us esruord puu

ss0uas0lc j0 sFullao} Jn0^ ssoJdxo


JaJJO

wc

n0^ u0rlM sluOur0rrl JOl

l00l

'0u0

n0^ aJOJoq JouuBd rno,4 ruorl O0luuJunF u aAlOc0J 01 poOu 1,u0p n0 io^rocoJ 0l

't

alll n0^ plnoM saaluuJBnF lEqM '8

'Z co^lfi 0l oltl n0^ plnom saotuuJunF luLl6

-uuJEnF qcns lutlM .'nOI 0^u0l

JOAOU

dJauued JnO^ 0l uo^rF nO,4 0AuLl s00l 'Ful,{us 'oldruuxo JOJ-JaqtOuE lltM
1,,

0u0 aAlF se;dnoc sooluuJunfi 0u0s polstl

'u0llcos snotnoJd aql

ul

'L

J0uUEd Jn0^ 0l ssouos0lc JOJJO n0^ s^uM aul l0 oru0s JO^Ocslp 'M0N 'n0^ lnOqp slo0JJouuud Jn0^ MOq JOJ so0F oruus OLll puv '0s

{us no,{ ssolun looJ n0^ Morl Moul 0l ,{;e1r; 1,us; alls J0 oll }nq loupud Jno,{ 0l
eso;c ,fuen lool

n0

iJpd Jn0^

^eu o1 1ae1 no,{ 0s0l3

'n0^ ulllltM aJuld alBt rlloq laol n0^ alus MOq pue JOL| Morl 'sl llrqt :o^!tc0[qns st ssOuosOlo J0 Fulla0J alll

cnol ltv
rlssnfl rtdnol lHI

1so1:) AAOH ::ISIfU:IXil

WIRED FoR LOVE Think about it. How could this be true? If it were true, babies would
come into this world already self-loving or self-hating. And we know they don't. In fact, human beings don't start by thinking anything about themselves, good or bad. We learn to love ourselves precisely because we have expe-

Neither Bram nor Gr children that their parent

hood memories of their pe much delay any hurt t-eel quite skilled at handling

rienced being loved by someone. We learn to take care of ourselves because


somebody has taken care of us. Our self-worth and self-esteem also develop because of other people.

difficult. Because she had

the best way, mind r-ouyourself, hdppiness and well.beine.

If you don't

agree

with what I'm suggesting, check it out for

Despite his irascible natur

Think of a time when you were young and your parents didn't believe in you 'Were you still able to believe in yourself? M"yb. you were. But if in some way. so, how did you do it/ From where or from whom did you get your belief? Or 'Were think of an ex-romantic partner who didn't believe in you or trust you. you able to believe in or trust yourself nonetheless? From where did you get that beliefand trust/ In each ofthese cases, chances are very good that ifyou did believe in yourself, that belief originated with somebody important to you. This is how we come to be as we are: all our prior interactions and relationships have shaped the person we are today.

Bram had a simllar e strung, which sometimes the other hand, was rath,
ness; his mother loved the

mother in the best war-. Br about responding to a par well for and feels good r.'

Many couples who come together these days share various ideals about love relationships, yet their prior experiences of love don't match up with their
ideals. That's a problem, because nitty-gritty personal history always trumps ideals. This is just the way we're wired. I( for example, we didn't witness devo-

WHY PAIR UPI


You might be wonderinc
one you want to make. ]n

tion in our parents'marriage, we won't have positive role models for loving to draw upon in our own adult relationships. If we never saw mutual care, sensitivity, and repair in our parents' marriage, those values likely will elude us. Our two couples clearly illustrate this principle. Neither Bradley nor
Jenny is doing anything radically different from what he or she experienced as a child. For instance, Jenny's mother often abandoned Jenny's father in social

There is nothing inh,


style.

gle. This book is nor at'c-ru

know plenty of pe avoid coupling nor weep i

with their lives either

n ar

situations, just as Jenny now abandons Bradley. Jenny never experienced her parents as loving or close. To the contrary, they often used the children in

great, and if not, that n-ou

their arguments. Jenny's mother complained to her father about his going off to be with his pals at the bar and leaving her to fend for herself. Bradley's parents often were too busy doing their own thing to spend much time with their kids. His mother was known to drive his father out of the house with her
criticism, something Bradley also resents whenever he becomes Jennyt target
of harsh judgment.

tive merirs of relarionship= other. Some data-inclui


and Maggie Gallagher rn However, others-includii
people who get married re

that married people are n

and Richard Lucas anci Ar

14

SI

oq,r eldoad uBrp ecBld tsrrJ eqt ur rerddErl eq ot puat perrlEur te8 orl,t\ eldood teqt petroder a^Eq-Sn eqr ur (9002) Irel3.^aarpuv pue sE3n'I prgqrru pue
.(ueur:eg ul (t002) Lerg ounrg pue razlnts sroly Sutpn1cur-srerlto
're.ta.uo1-1

Jaq qtr^\ esnoq ar{t

lJBrBr s,^uuef sau:oraq rq -:..; jo tno -re'_-r:_ Lllr,r\ eurn gonur pueds

ot:'-.-'-

'eldoad parrreuuou ere uqt rerr{}leer{ pue rerddeq are eldoed peuJeur teql tsaSSns-(gg 97) atsou..to1tt1 nl asn3 aqJ Tooq rrar{l ur raq8elleg et88eyrl pue otrel6 Bpurl sroqlne Lq pazuelndod scnsuets Surpnlcur-etep etuos 'raqto

s,delperg Jleslari roJ

pua_l

.t ::
.

;;o Suro8 sq lnoge lerlt?l ra-i


ur uerPlrq3 eqt Posn ual]o raq paJuorJedxa ;e,reu
.,,r

atlt ro de.tr auo suorsnlluoc ruJrJ plarl or pellBJ seq sdtqsuoneier Jo s]rraul
-EIaJ

elrl

eqt uo qrreeser 're,r.oeroy1 'lle.&\ s Lpuep aq plno^\ tqt 'tou;r pue 'tee:8

iuu:-

eq plno^\ reqr 'do1e.r.ap or sueddeq drqsuouelar e;1 :[e,,n rer{}re se^rl rreq] qtr^\

Ier3os ur JeqtBJ s,^uuef pau.-:'.r: se paruerredxa or]s lo eLl lr - 1. '

aurJ ore slenpl^Ipu] asaql 'paldnocun Suraq tnoqe dae,t rou Surldnoc pro,te ot peeu eqt IeeJ reqtreu oq,ra. salSurs lddeq dltee;red 1o .bue1d mou>1 1 'a1f,rs

rou,4,o1pe.rg req.lrrN'a1Ji:'-.::: 'sn sPnla III^,\ IIaIII senlE.,. :. -Isuas 'elBf, .1nlnul .trES la.\;:l I
or-8urno1 JoJ s]epotu eio-r a.^!:t-.i:

21ie

re dn .ned

sr Surtse8Sns ur.I tuaurtrunuor Jo

'a;11 peldnoc e ro a1[tsa;q e18uts e 'Je]13q sI qclrla, lnoqg lou sI 1ooq sn11 'a13 -urs Suraq tnoqe ueqt Sur.1dnoc tnoq releq dllueregut Sutqlou sI eraql dr1,ra. aqt sesreJ srqt 'lce; ul 'eleru ot lu.{\ nod euo 'uoltsenb purl oql rarlteq^\ 8uuepuo,r,r. aq rq8tru notr

-o^ep ssaulr,r\ l uplp r.r1 'r1J':,


sdrun.rt s,4e.tr1e l,rorsiq

:'.

a.In uIVd
'slenpl^Ipul rltoq ot poo8
s1eel

IHM
lle.4d

lreqt

qlr,4^

dn qrieu i,uoF

r-:: 1eu. :.\ ' .s.,,E:

lnoqE slePl snorrA erErls pue roJ

-uotllel

PUE

SuOlllElJlUl lt .l-

'noL ol luetJodrur Lpogeuos r-t. nod;1 reql poo8 Lra,t alE sali:?q

ta8 no,{ plp eJarl^\ Luoll


a;ar16 'nod

-i:i-)'-

s>lJo,{\ lBgl Lem e ur uBeul I ,,'LBtr lseq eql uI,, reulred e ol Surpuodser lnoqB leads l uotilN'[t]ltqeddeuun pue sseuullc s,rarllej erll Pa^ol raqtoru srq lssau -llunds pue sseurlelrl s(rar{toru srq pa^ol rer{lBJ s{urJg 'de,ro. lseq er{l ur leqlotu slq ot Sulpuodsar [r1noIII]p ou pBti pue .{e4-,tto1 leqtBl sB.t\ 'puq roqto eql uo 'reqte; srH 'eruoq eqt epislno sualgord pesnec seurrtauros qcrg.ro. '8uuts

tsnrt ro nol, ur a.ra:1::

rO lJaIIeq rnol, la8 noi prp r-ucri


Jl lng 'ele,r no[ eq.{eyrq iJ]es:nr.,, no,{ ur anarlaq l,uplp slue:ei .r:

q8lq se,l raqtoru srH

'osJoAaJ

ur q8noqr 'acuerledxa Jlrruls B pBr1 ulerg


'8uraq-1ye.,rr

pue ssautdderl

s(raqtou raq ot pato^ep sB,r rerlleJ req

^\aDI

eqs 'elnteu elqrrserr srtl elrdsaq

ylesrnod ro;
do1e,r.ap

lno i1 lreqli;::.

ul-tulq
sB,{\

'JeqtEJ raq gceordd ot prBrJE Jaleu sE^\ eterC-nod purru 'de.tr tseq eql raqtou laq urog peureel peq oqs esneceg 'tlnrrltip

ot puodser ol

^\oq

osle rueetseJles puE u.

pue Ldrunr8 ratller lo8 seurneuros oq,ra.'regteS s(BterC Surtpueq

1e pelp>1s

alrnb

esnBf,eq se^IesJno Jo srBr

aIEr

reqlour s.BterC 'ruaql uae^{taq osore teqr s8urlaa; lrnq due delep qcntu

-edxa a,teq eMasnDJaq,{1asrt::;

-rueqt lnoq Surqrlue 8ur:1uru_

tnoqtr.{\ Surxg pue raqtoue auo ol Surzr8olode stuered Jreqt Jo serlourau poorl -pliqc a^Eq qtog 'reqtoue auo patcedsar puc pa,tol stuared rlar{t }eqt uerp]Il{r
sB tleJ

laqr

.mouq

e^1,

puv

'8uueq4las

r{toq tng 'lcepad stua;ed Jreqt Joprsuof, EtarC Jou rurg rell]reN

plno^\ serqeq 'enl1 alaar

ll ll .

lrssng Etdno)

IH-L

WIRED FoR LOVE


don't marry. Janice Kiecolt Glaser and her colleagues (2005) found unhappily married folks to be more prone to illness than are happily single folks.

we can work toward res. achieve rhls kind oi rct.


Let's look at what rr ners keep one another sa

One obvious reason people pair up is for procreation. This instinct is embedded in our DNA to ensure the survival of our species. However, pairing up for this purpose doesn't necessarily translate into the need for a long-term, committed relationship. There's certainiy no proo{ at least as far as our species is concerned, that monogamy is nature's mandate.

their issues together, u-iil

I find it interesting

life. In fact, neurobiologists studying voles report that prairie voles (who bond with a that some mammals, such
as wolves and prairie voles, do pair up for

Merctxc rH

partner for life) and meadow voles (who do not bond for life) have identifiable genetic differences. It is possible scientists one day will identify human genes that explain why we do or don't decide to pair up.

The couple bub'ble : thing and evervthins c-'


esteem, and disrress rel:.

In the meantime, to understand the purpose of pairing up with another human being, we can think about what happens to a baby. Ideally, all babies have a parent or other caregiver who puts their relationship before all other
matters. The baby feels loved and secure, and the adult also enjoys the feeling

you. You borh agree r,'


"V/e come first." In this

.,'

pact or taking a vo\\'.


another.

.I

of being loved and of being with and caring for the baby. The two are in
together. We call this
a

it

Sometimes peopl. :

primary attaclment relationship, because the baby and

thing that worries me

ab

caregiver are bonded, or attached,

to one another. You could

say this is a

of this from both men an deal breakers include ret better way to scare off
herself before securirr
a

"baby bubble'-much like the couple bubble, only occurring during infancy.

This baby bubble se$ the stage for enjoyable relationships with others later in life. If at an early age we experienced security and a love we could trust, we carry this with us. As adults, we are able to form new primary attachment relationships. \7e feel capable of being strong and loving and secure. On the other hand, if at an early age our relationships with caregivers were less than secure, and the caregiver did not seem to value being with us over all other matters, we are likely to be fearful or worried about entering into or being in relationships. ('!7e will talk in more depth about attachment in the next chapter.)

quate with respect to an

i:

Partners enterins inr

own it to fully appreciarr don't honor the couple b

often the reason is thar

something, and you get p enough?" My answer

can you say I must buv hi

i.

WE CoME FIRST
Obviously we can't change what happened when we were infants. However,

or she shouldn't even be Mostly, I see parrner: another, but Gar the prt-

those early influences are affecting how we feel about relationships they hinder our ability to form the kinds of bonds we want in our lives now,

if now, if

better will become deal

tive features each chcsc


contain annoying elemer

1.6

LI

';otunq Jo esues srq eJope .{eur no[ 'aldruexe JoC 's]ueulala 8urlouue UIE]uoJ
os]B ezrleer ,trou laqt r1crt1.tr 'uos;ad ragro oq] uI esol{J qcea sernteal altl -rsod eql aAIoAur suelgord asaqr '.!1ecrdLl 'sra>1earq IEep atuoooq IIp\ raueg reqlou euo ,r{oul ol Surna8 JaU asrre tI{t suelqord aqr ree; tnq 'reqtoue euo uasorlf, ,linpq8noql pue {yn;erer e^ErJ oq,^d. sreutred aas 1 .[1tsoy,1

'rvrou saa.r1 lflo u. -'-! Jl 'nou sdtqsu.-,t-t--:: :,

;r';e,le,tro11'stu!-r

j,

;: ;

'osec erlt dllensn t(usr srqt 'le.Lamo11 'repuatuoJ B oq ue^e t.uPlnoqs erls ro
oq ueqt 'q8noua poo8

uor;

rBJ os sI aqs

lo

eq Jl

reqt

sI Je^dsu

Lry

,,2q8noua

;o rred ro; de4 'ro; pred leql

poo8 st eqs Jo aq Jeqtaq.4 .l.roul ot Jepro uI rarl ro tulti Lnq lsnu 1 des nod uec 'Surqtatuos 1o tred le8 noL pue 'Surqtau;os nod moq tq8rur 'an8re '.r0.o51 'uelg,, 1eB .{aqr ]eqt $ uosBar eqt uauo
rer1.u

{lrexe

'ro3 parec 11aal Sureq r,uere deqt urelduoc pue aiqqnq aldnoc aqt Jouol{ l(uoP 'rI elelcerdde [1ry or ]I u.^d.o sreurred uarllN '.{em aqt IIe ur ag ol e^Bq ^arlJ pue tr otur Lnq ol eaerl tuarueer8e elqqnq eldnoc e olur Suuetue sreulrd

'arnllJ ot petuoop sr rlceordde Jo

pul{ slrll

'Parnsse

sJ

dlpnces eroJaqJlesrelj

.(.reuud .r\!u ,-r: plnoc


O.\r 3-"r-'
r:

ro Jlestuq aaord reutred leql lsrsur ol

lo 'asaql ;o

.{ue

ol lcedser glr'r,r alenb

slaqlo illr-\,, !:i-:!-i :: :_ : :- -- --,

'l,ruelurbulr::

-apeur sr aqs ro aq lseSSns ot ueqt rautred lenualod E JJo ercs o1 de.tr relleq ou s(erer{I 'dtrlenxes pue 'arurl 'sp11 tauotu 'uor8l1ar aPnlf,ul sro)ielq IEaP .re1ndo4 'lsrderaql saldnoc e se sree^{ dur ur uaulon Pu ueru IJtoq ruor; sltll Jo suortrrel pleor{ o^eq 1 ,,'ueiqo.id e oq t.uo.t\ nod tnoqe etu selrro^\ ruqr Surqr

sr srlll .\ui :':. r Lceo au t r.--: - : '


oue tLlt
3ut1aa1aqt

-.. -

...

srrlt arns aq ueJ I lllun trururol ot tuB^\ l,uoP

L tes eldoed saurrteuos


raqtouE

ll uI eJ o-\\l au, - ..::- _ : :\''.u; : - - - r - :reqro lle a:ora:. :.':-': serqEg llP '.\i lr r: ' leqlouEtlll.\\ r- :-

e 8ur>1eu e>1ri sr

euo qtr.ld 4oor [pearle nod ,Lr.o.L e Surcro;urar e>lli ro '^r\ol B 8ur1er ro ]cBd tI 'drqsuorleiar rno.{ tuaurac nod 'Le,u sltlt uI ({'lsJIJ eurof, aA,,

-:-

:,-

'ragto qcea ol Les nod 'aro3eraql 'reqto qrea roJ tI op ot aar8e qroq notr 'nod 'tsJU sseJtslp pue 'rueetse roJ aures eqt saop sueeru rautred lnod puv rl JeIIer Surql[re-ta pue Sulqt
-;1es '3ureq.11a.tr s,reutred rnod Surund sueour

tI

'es1e

-,{ue aro;aq drqsuoneler aqr

lnd ot lueruaa.r8e uB sI elgqng aldnoc aq1

JfVd EHI DNI)VW


'ornJes pu
eJes

rall]oue euo deal sreu


site-I

,ued sE nol, qcrqn ur elqqnq eldnoc E ateerr ot se{Bt tl teq,/r\ te lool uo


lro,^d.

'1ndur leuralxe Ieurrunu qtrm 'reqlaSot senssl Jlaql

seue8ueunq-ul:irrl. .'-, :: elqElJrlurPl O.\Pq,r-: - .:. E qll^d puoq oq-\\) s:r--.,. : - : -, u1 'aJIl roy dn .rreJ : -. Suitse.retut rl puil I r:i:'-, --ads lno se re3 s ri[-:' -:' .- 'urrat-8uo1 ro; peeu aq- --* Surrred 'reAeA\oH 'sarrJ:i -sltll 'uonP;':t - j
sI lJul.lsur
's11o; e13urs

pue ssnf,srp ot elge ere saldnoc

raqtg

'Suurmar Jo pur>l srqt a^enpe


e.u

rpJ;: q ;-.

or 1n;dleq u Lderaqt 'saldnoc ouros JoC 'ueqt Sur,tlosar pr,r\ot {ro^(r uBf,

.{llddequn punoJ (EC!1;) :rF I

::

llggng rrdnol lHJ

WIRED FOR LOVE


but now disiike that he cracks jokes when you want him to be serious. Or you may admire her musical talent, but be annoyed when she wants to practice the piano instead of walk with you. Sometimes partners in this situation want to bargain: "Can I just take
you with the parts I like, and we'Il agree to hold the rest?" Sorry. This isn't a burger joint, where you get to hold the pickles and let' outer space, but would har

ing accelerant to go farrh aiming for the stars, anJ there. But if we want the i
nation, this is preciseiv u'h

tuce. You want it and you buy it as is, or you move on. I realize this might sound harsh. But I have said as much to couples. And generally they respond by taking stock of the situation. They recognize the toll their ambivalence is

HOLDING TC
The couple
bubb.le is

taking on the relationship. Then they are able to move clearly in one direction or the other.

is to burden one anorher',r shared gratitude and valua

safety, security, and u'ell-b,

ANT WE READY?
I'm not
suggesting

when the going gets toueh. hold your relationship tt,':e

you try to create a couple bubble prematurely.

This doesn't mean \'.lu


yourself before the relari.

Sometimes couples find a bubble has been created at the very start of their relationship, with no effort on their parts. A good example of this occurs in WestSide Story when the star.crossed lovers, Tony and Maria, arrive at the dance. Their newly discovered love is represented as a spotlight on them, while everyone else fades into the background. Of coulse, we'|| never know

hurt each other. lt Joe.r' : things will happen, no n'iai


other to your fundamental

what would have happened

if

tragedy hadnt cut short their love affair.


phases

Chances are they would have had to work to maintain their couple bubble.

Then, when either cr gentle reminder: "Her', I tr The transgressing partner


situation.

It is important to remember that the casual dating and courtship

are different from a relationship that's moving toward or has become imbued with a sense of permanence. In the beginning of a relationship, we are besot'

ted and captivated by the blissful hopefulness and mutual admiration we feel. Our brains are awash rn dopamine and noradrenaline, two chemicals that greatly enhance excitement, focus, and attention. When we leave each other's

EXENCTSE: T
After you and your partner next step is to monitor it. 1

orbit, our brains wrestle with diminished serotonin, a chemical that often calms anxiety and obsession. 1We find ourselves thinking, "'When will I see him again?" or "should I call her tomorrow?" and other thoughts that keep us connected to this one among billions of fishies in the sociai sea. Of course, this shared lovefest obscures the fact that we don't really yet 'We are a bit like a know each other well. In the moment, who cares, right? rocket that is launched with sufficient acceleration to make it to the edge of

the bubble is a process. li':

of its own. And as sllch.

\r

ln this exercise, rou u you will identify the signs tr


safety and securit),, it \\as

1. 0ver the next ueek self and iour pdn'

18

6I

B ofiJopun ssauosolc 'osJnoo J0 'JOUuud Jno^ pu Jlos llrM ^llpJnlEU -;no,{ uae,mloq ;aa1no,{ ssouosolc J0 lo^01 or.ll anJosqo'IaoM lxou oLll iong 'L
'aprnord o1 peuFlsap su,u lr ,4lunces puu ,{teJBs
oUt Fu!plno;d tou s! olqqnq e;dnoc lno,{ noA llat tplll suFrs eqt {}ltuapl llrnr no,{ 'Jolou olqnoJl olqqnq u do;enep 1|1nn no,{ 'aslcJoxa srlll ul

;o a8pe oqt ot tI
e

elll

rlq E erE

a)l:ril r '- .: a.\ '--':-: .,-

red d11eer t(uop e.r\ rrJ- -rr- ; lL:l : :-- -

'Eis

uuour I lulll

^g'eslnd slr olul plnoqs no,{ 'qcns sE puv 'uMO slt l0 plnoc do1 'FuloFuo s,ll 'ssacord p sl olqqnq oLll al!l B souJnsse olqqnq eqt ,{us^lluclp0ued
Fululetuleu 'oppu uaoq sBLl lueuaarEp uu rlFnollilV'l! Jolluour ol s! dals txou orll 'luourooJFu e;qqnq a;dnoc p olu! poJotua anuq ;aul.rud ;no,{ puu no,{ ;e1;y

sn daal

teql stq8nou- *:-j-. :

ees [ ]Il^\ ueqa\..':..:;- ---uar;o ritp le:rtuaur . ",.:,; -

s,leqlo qlBe e.\Erl J.i. --: 'laal e^\ uortElrurFP


-losaq aJ e.tr

lBrll slBcrueqr o-r!r'i'-.:-:-'.-:-ir'dttlsu,tt-.,-::

u]r1l^t llsnOUI lrssnfl


eqt xrJ Allcrnn pue ,,'peq ftu 'qea[

lHI :ISI]XIIX:I
oIlenlIS

.J::.-*'- :'.-

qg,

'l,es uec rau]red Sursser8suerl eq1

.('Jarlto qf,Ea JoJ op ot paar8e e^\ teq.& sr srtll rq8norlt 1 tep1,, :rapurtuer eltua8

e,nr8

111,tr

Jar{}o eqt 'elelsrru B seIru nod ouloc a1X\,,


(.'lsJIJ

;o euo raqlle

uatln.t 'ueq1

Penqul eruof,Oq SEL- r r-:, , saseqd drqsr.rnor Fli :- - : 'elqqnq oldnor re-- -: - --'rBljs e^ol IJqr -: :., _' : ,t\oul re^eu II,e\\ '--:-: :
_

r{cBe ploq

11yvr

no[ ueatu seop ]r'ra.te.rrrog

:luauleer8e lelueurepun; lnoL ol Jel{lo relleru ou 'uaddeq p.r,t s8ulqr


'ter.l.&\

er.[] ]E eAIJJE 'euEJ\

'uet1l uo tg8rltods E !::r--: '.:

ar-:

uI sf,nJco slr{l lo
llJLll jo

a1,Jr-u::t:

:,
.

asaqJ 'plnoqs Jelau dlernlosqe noL legl .rou 'drgsuoneler erit ero;eq;iasrnol, slnd leqr uorsrJap e e{ru releu ueJ noL ueatu l(useop tI 'raqto qra unq {leluaprcce ro de.tt aqr Suop se{B}srlu e1eru t(uo.4A noL ueatu l,useop srql reqle8ol drqsuorteler rnol ploq
ot uo tunoJ {lear uec nod
11e

J.ters .(le.r

eq: -,- r:

',{larnler-ua.rd alqqnq

r:

sr

elqqnq eldnoc eqt 'q8not ste8 Suro8 eqt ueq./y\

'tr tnoqe lurqr no[;1 'eouauedxe uec r{]oq no.{ uouenle.r pue epntuer8 parqs ;o aer8ap eq] seururJetap ueprnq lentnu sq1 '8uraq1la.^a pue '^]unras tta;Es
s(reqto eqt roJ Suuec pue rrono^ep Jo s>lset oqt

qtl^\ rerltoue auo uaprnq ot

sr

onb ord plnb eqr qcrq,l.r

w srautred

uee.4ateq

tced e sr alqqnq eldnoc eq1

-ceJrp euo ur direap o,\Lrr-i: -

JI

OT DNIC]OH

rg8tur stqr azIIBar

sI ecuelB^lqlu Jlotll 11ol aur : puodse; laqr [11ereua8 pu1 ; I 'uo e.1^.-!-

-lrl pue sa11ld eqr ploLl c: --.


'1no 1r ernEg ot paau e^\ ueq^\ Llesrcerd sr slrlt 'uorteu

riilsol erir :
a>1e1

-Itsep str Sunlcear;o orueqr E puets ol drqsuoueler aqt tuB^a e,r Jr

tng 'eJer{l

lsnf

I
ol

uEC,, :ure8req or
slue. d. eqs uar{-\\

acrlcerd
noL

ta8 a.tr uaq^\ tno Surqldre.,re ern8g 11,e,u, eurnsse pue 's;els aql ro; Surrure eq ot petrcxe tsnf er,e.tr 'drqsuor]e1er ,tteu E uI 'rer{tJEJ oB ot luerelacce 8ur -lnpua olour E a8e8ue pu retsooq srl uos]Dal o] a^Bq plnom tnq 'areds latno

rg

'snorJas aq

ol utn{ tu

llggng Eldnol

lHJ_

WIRED FOR LOVE


certain degree of ebb and flow. What you want t0 d0 is be 0n the lookout for times when the ebb is serious enough t0 warrant sounding an alarm.
1.

Devote yourself r.. feel safe and secu:e

'

simply to your iJea

2. Pay special attention t0 th0se moments of trouble. What happenslr What


are you feeling, and what is your partner feelingP What kinds of things do yOu say to each otherP For example, you mi$ht nOtice that you g0 off and
leave your partner alone al such times. This then is a sip;n for your meter.
z.

Your job is to knc''

him or her feel saie


Don't pop the
a b'ub'b

3. Make a list of the specific signs you identify. Share these with your parl ner. Discuss how you can recreate your bubble, and strengthen it t0
prevent further stressful incidents. Remember: the bubble protects yOu

fundamental, im;

bothl lt's yours, s0 keep it clean and polished every day.

ther of you shoulj Acting in an amtr', and partly out tri ri created. If this is :l into an auditionin;
bubble you har-e
s.-

In later chapters, we will look in more detail at how to maintain your


couple bubble.

). Make sure the b'ubi other, while

is not codependen;

ign.',:-,

Flns-r GUTOTNG PRINCIPLE


The first principle of this book is that creating a couple bubble
allows pdrtners

resentment and trtl

form a couple L,ubb.


selves accordingl.,. available to me u'he

to keep each other safe ond secure. Together, you and your partner can create and maintain your bubble. You agree do things for one another that no other
person would be willing to do, at least not without getting paid. In

fact-and

without expectinr comply with our ag

this is important, so listen up-anyone who offers with no strings attached to do what partners must do for each other most definitely u.,ants something from you (e.g., sex, money, commitment). If you're in a committed relationship and someone else seems willing to fill in for your partner, watch outl As the saying
goes, there's no such thing as a free lunch.
4.

If either of us con. will be fired.


Plan to use vour
ca

and your p?rtner


another, and share

in

So, the couple bubble is something you work on together. But also keep mind that you are responsible for your end of the deal. You keep it up

support and prorec:


go into social situar
by your bubble.

because you believe

in the principle, not merely because your partner is or isn't wiiling to do the same. It works only when both partners operate on a
principled level and not on the level of "You go first." Here are some supporting principles to guide you:

can make a plan ah

A.

ratively hold hanis remaining

in coni:

20

TZ

pue 'Jeqloue ouo 8ur{Jerl 'raqloue auo qlr.r\ lJeluol ur Suruleurer


ueeru I spueq Surplog [g 'ruane erlr rnoq8norrl] spuerl ploq ,{1a.trrer -n8g uec nod os reqleSot lro.4a 'plp ruerg pue BlerC sV 'elqqnq rnod Lq Pelcatord aq qtoq llar nod sernsur tEqt aruuJo peetle ueld B e{Eur uE:) tlnlil;rp 8ur.r1o.r.ur seuo Llprcadsa 'suortenlrs lercos otur oF
nod 'aldoed

:a-^

" ::!_

..:::-

rautred rnoL pue nod;a.Leuaqm 'aldruexa JoC 'uortoalord pue lroddns Jo sueew .4.reruud ;no[ sr ]I 'se1trlrqerauln,t rnoL algs pue 'raqtouu euo uo {a: 'd1eq roJ reqlo qJEe IsB sLe,lo.le uec reutred rnoL pue noL r1clq,r,r. ur aceld eJEs E sapr^ord l1 'elqqnq aldnoo rnoL esn ot uEId 'v
.PerrJ eq

e uo ajerado s;eur:pl rl- J ,: ;o st :auued lno.i tinp::- '. ;: dn I daal nol 'leF aut j, :' rng 'reqiaSot u- :.:,
dee>1

osle

SurLes aqt sV ;tno qlr-".r. ::.---: oue drusuorterel nrt-1-.---. - II.lI

III^\

dlarns sn Jo euo 'seldrcuud rno uo e8eueJ ot sanurtuoJ sn Jo Jorltro JI 'op or 8ur1pt euros e^Er{ e^\ 'saldrcuud uodn-peer8e rno rllr^{ Alduroc ]iuseop reutred ,ftu;r 'uaq1 '1srg oB ot raq ro urg Suucedxa tnoqtr^\ 'oot elqepe.te;1esftu elul tsnur 1 lng 'paeu I Ja^auaq^\ eru ot alqele^B

eq plnoqs rautred [u Les uec 1 'eldruexe roC ^fi8urprocce se,tlas -ruaql trodruof, pue seldrcuud eqt uo eer8e qroq 'alqqnq eldnoc e urroJ
sreulred ueq,n 'lse.rtuor uI 'sseJlsrp leuorloure laqlo pu lueurluaser or Surpeel snq] 'stue,r pue spoau u^d.o Jraql SuuouEr ailq^d (Jaqlo
qJBe roJ ro q8norql a,u1 sreur-red ruapuaQapo3'LcuepuedapoJ

uog Sutqlau:oS Slr-ti -; .",r:-:: -:: ot prqrelle s8ur.rt: -'j --.. --: puB-IJEJ uy 'ptrJ ;::---:: -- reLlto ou tErll reqr.uL ;- - - eleJJ uec .laulrBd lr--,.': :r: alqrx- -' -''. : -'
uaulto(
slxollD

1l
'c

tou

sr

srqt 'eto51 'perouoq pue peurBtureu.llenlnu sr elqqnq aqt erns

elBt\

'patf,nnsuoc d11njarec os e^Bq no^ elqqnq

',\Pp

\Jd\; l:,,:

no^ sicaloJd olqqnq aUl :r.,it -.,:


01 1l uoqlFuOJis puP 'alcltirritt " -lJucl JnO{ LlllM a\OLll
,Z

aL[] Jo strJeuaq aqt II asol I]L{\ noL pue uortrsod Suruortrpne ue otur pef,roJ oq IIU{ noL;o qroq ro euo 'tslsrad ot pa^dolle sr snlt JI 'peteerf, a.r.eq nod ,(tltncas aqt soururapun 'drqsuouelal er{t Jo tno {rred pue ur Lllred sr ter1t eJuets e 8ur1el lo 'leuuBtu tuele^rqurB ue ur SurtcV 'dod or Suro8 sr elqqnq eqt terlt duo,r,r or a^Er{ plnoqs noL;o raqr

dJPrlr '-

-reu 'Ltunces pue dlayes;o esuas etnlosqe pue 'tr]I1dul 'letuoruepun; e uollBpunoJ srr s seq alqqnq aldnoc er{r esnBreg 'alqqnq aqr dod t,uoq

Jol0u JnO^

JOJ

uFls E sr uallt s

:;

'arnfas PUE

eJes IaaJ Jeq Jo

urrq

puE lJo oF no4 lPql JJllotr lLlF

..-

e{Eur ot ,trorl pue raut.red rnod ol sJaDEur terl^a


'noL uor; nol,
a>1eur

sarrnbar .rautred rnod lerl.tr eg tou Leru erncas pue deru

^\ouI

ol

sr qof rnotr
aJES IeeJ

op sFuttll Jo spuu lutlM iFuilaal lurlM isuodduq lEq^ 'alqn0Jl lr, 'urJulu uu Fulpunos luBJJs\\ 0i
rl

tou pue .f]lrncas pue

leqr16 'eq plnoqs teql teri,r\ tnoge eapi rnod ol dydurrs etolec .I
L1e;es Jo esuos

s,;euued lno^ ol ;lasrnod

ln0l00l

0Ll1

u0 0q sl 0p 01 lLrE\\

rtssng

ltdnol

tHJ

WIRED FOR LOVE


being available at a moment's notice. Rely on eye contact, physical
contact, whispering, hand signals, smoke signals-whateverl Conspire together about how you will address difficult people. Perhaps you will

literally hold hands or si.t next to one another in their presence. \Ue'll further discuss how to protect your couple bubble in chapter 7. In the meantime, remember that splitting up to deal with difficult people or

situations leaves you vulnerable. Together, you can be truly


formidable.

The \il/ar How Y

tf;*",:x
Shenice continues, " interested?"

She looks, steelv eve;

"Don't give me that


interested but just can't J,
we're talking about real p

Darius and Shenice.

one another and har-e .i


warning.
eyes.

together they are like tlr,

"Don't put that on n "l'm interested," he

do this bubble thing. I'm

your folks."

"You're bringing rh;l


exasperation. pers and the scenes ther-

Friends and familv ot

22

pu euole 'eruoq rreqt eplstno pue ur etEeJr ueuo ,{er1t seuecs aqr pue srad
-urat ra88ut-rreri rreqt qtl^d rErImrBJ ere eldnoc srqt Jo Lprue; pue spuauC

'uorleredsexe

qt1rl IcBq peer{ JerI s.rorr{t ecrueqs *;u1e8e dn wW Sur8uuq er.no


,,'s11o;

,,

rnod

ot oB a.r,r ueg,ra noL tnoq IIB sle8ro; or{d\ ouo eqt tou ur,1 '3u1qr elqqnq sqt op no[" P]BS no^ueq,^d. lcoJroc ere.,n nod lnq,, 's^es ar1 ,,(pelserelul tu,1,, 'seLe

lput

rer{ sl1oJ

ef,ruoqs euru srqt pue 'snueq serldar (.ieur uo reqr rnd

t,uoC[,,

'8urure.u

.;;o Jeqto aqt Suutas qcee 'sre>lcerceJlJ tnoqtr,^A uar;o


iuoucolJe daap

elll

ere [ag] raqlaSol

laqr

atldsep

tng 'looqcs q8rq acuts

a^Eq pue raqtoue euo

erope 'uerplqr o^\l qlm\ 'sreal uenes perJJerrr 'acrueqg puu snrreq llrus ..'salrl IEer qlran eldoad IEer lnogB 3ur>11e1 ar,e.Lr
'ueaur
1

er,nod aqLe14,, 'esuodse;

l]I op t(uec I Jl rerl^u JO,, 'sanurtuoc eqs ,,']I op t(uec rsnf rng petserelul w s{req acrueqs ((iTool tBrF aur e.tr8 t.uoq,
pJe,,rd,ot

'uJnter ur sede srq sllor or1.u 'snueq


sr sn Jo auo

'pade Llaets 's1001 eqs ..lPelsaJeluI

{uo JI elqqnq E ateJl

e.tt

uer .{\oq tng,, 'senurluoc eJrueqs

surn'psrquosursnrH:',5#I;"il',],""1i;-"u\J
.ret1

enup Laqt s pueqsnq

ot sles r)rueqs ,,;qnq '{alqqnq aldnor

V D

O^IIV e^ol eqt dee;tr UEO no1 ^aoH :urBrg Surnoal?urrrBA aql
Z UlIdVHf

dlnrr eg uer noL 'ragta3o ro aldoed tpcrJJrp qtl^\ Iep or eqt ul '/ reldeqc ur alqqnq ald
il,alN 'ef,ueserd

lagl

ur raqtour

'eldoad tlnri-lj II1,tl no^ sdeqra4 aldsuo3 iJe^eler{^{-sleu8rs a 1elsl,r1d 'tfetuoJ eLe uo ,r1ag

WIRED FOR LOVE


with others. \il/henever they get this way, their words and phrases are similar, as are the memories of hurt and betrayal. Darius and Shenice fought in earlier relationships, all the way back to their original famiiies. In calm moments, they speak softly; their conversations are fresh, not retreads of old arguments; and their banter is more playful. They likely are nestled in their couple bubble during these moments. However, when either perceives a threat cue from the dating, are activated as coni

partners start to anticipare

Anticipation of the uorsr


surface

in conscious

an-arer

the deep and wordless parr Much of what we do


as

other-whlch could be a shift in the eyes, a pause in speech, a roll of the eyes, or a strong exhale-love turns quickly to war. Their faces fill with blood; eyes widen; voices increase in volume; vocal pitch changes; limbs stiffen; and lips begin to smack, signaling dry

beastly, instinctual selves. vived over millennia due r..

Love and war are both cc,n;

mouth. They no longer appear as lovers or even friends, but as predators or enemies. Gone is the playful banter, gone are mentions of goodwill and friendliness, gone is the freshness of their conversation. Instead, their talk returns to old subjects, unanswered questions about the relationship, and

brain is wired first and tbrcn rion is to ensure we sun'rr t


good at this.

Unfortunately, rhe par


credo. For instance,

being killed are also quire :r

familiar accusations and counter-accusations. Why does all this happen? Darius and Shenice, like the rest of us, have brains that specialize in
threat perception and threat response. Unfortunately, our biological heritage
doesn't automatically guarantee a couple bubble for all. But

if

vou

speeding toward you, )'ou Fr

this train moving? Hon-ma

And when will it arrive ar

it

does provide

soon be dead. Danger requ;

mechanisms to deal with threats to our survival. This isn't to say the whole brain is involved in warlike behavior; in fact, only part of the brain engages in

brains doesn't care about ,.r

time-consuming. Its joi. i:


So, is the brain gooJ

threat perception and response. Other parts help us be our most loving, kind, and friendly selves. And, yes, help us create a couple bubble.

"r

You betchal Our brain's sur

In this chapter, we take

a ciose look at our biological inheritance, and at

ship. The things we do r,, *c

what it can teach us about preventing, minimizing, and recovering from the warring situations that arise in the best and worst of relationships.

that keep

us from

gettinr

ir.

Recently, much has tee


ences between female anJ

Tsou SHRrr Nor Grr Knrno


During courtship, partners are predisposed to anticipate their best hopes coming true. As the relationship progresses and the pair become closer and
more interdependent, a couple bubble may form, and the perception of permanence may emerge. This is of course what they hope for. Yet sometimes
along with security comes its opposite. Fears and expectations that date back

Bente Pakkenberg and Har

more brain cells at birth rh Maclean (1996) found the

connectivity than does rhe male brain is heavill'u'ireJ


Ulcers, Robert Sapolskv Females, on the other safety. Despite minor

(lJ

spring into action when rhrt

han;

to earlier experiences ofdependency, but that didn't arise during courtship or

Jitlir.

24

SZ

'^13}s Jo sruots^s sno^rau puB surBrq eqt uee.{\taq sacueJoJJlp Jourul alldsec JoJ elPpnq ot sJeqto ur IInd ot PeJr.r\ eq ol pual 'PuBq Jeqlo eqr uo 'sellrla{ 'salerueJ eJE uer{t 'ra8uol lrale dels ot puE 'paueteeJqt ueq^\ uoltce otur Sutrds

ro drtlstrnoc Suunp asue l,uFr: IJBq etep lBr{l suortetredra

seurrlauos ta1 'lo; adoq .r:q: -red;o uondacred eqt puE 'rL pue resolc eruof,aq:ied aqt sedoq rsaq Jreqt otedrluuE

,{plornb ol dya4l erour erB seleru teqt perroder (VOO),Qslodeg tragog 's.nc1n pC 1(uo(f sDrqaz (,ilr\ tI 'teJqt ot uoltJeel JoJ Perlt\ ,{prreeq sI UIBJq oleur

egl 'lurodpuets dreuortnlola

uB urorC 'urrq altu aql seop ur{l d}r,l.ttcauuoc

p r

pue drtaururts arour a^eq ot spuat urerq eluej eqt PunoJ (9661) ueelcery Ind tsuuercsoJneu aqt 'rena,ro1-1 'selErual oP UBI{] qulq tE sller ulBrq eroru a^eq soleru .^dou{ e.^d. 'QASy) uosrapunC ue8rnf suH Pu 3raque11e4 eruag

CI:Illf
'sdrqsuouela: lo ts:
eLIt

Lq qcreeser ol s>luqt 'a.1druexa roC 'suteJq aleur Pue eleuroJ uea,^Aleq salua 4aJ;lp erlr rnoqe ASologcdsd relndod uI uettrr.i\\ ueeq seq qontu 'dpuacag 'euo ur 8ur[ets ro drqsuorlelal o]ul Sutlla8 urorJ sn dee>1 reqr s8urqr arlr lpcexe ere uego pe1p1 Supla8 uro-r; deel o] oP
e.^d

ruo{ Suua,tora:

puli::-.

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le Pue 'aJuluequr lElr;r\i,\rJ.


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pue 'drqsuorteler eqt lnoJ.E : >llBl Jreql'pBatsul'uonpsl:.,.ij pue llr,npoo8 ;o suouuaru :: ro srolepard se lnq 'spuarr: :e

[;p

Surleu8rs 'T]euis

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'

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'ureJq eql Jo lred sselproa,r pue deep eqr

ur seprser uorledrcrlue ;o adl; srq]

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uI aleJrns

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laqr

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ot lleg ,{e,u aqt

11e

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'leltruts ere seserqd pu spro-\,,

NIVdg DNIAO]/DNII}IVM ]HI

WIRED FOR LOVE


men and women, as humans we all share the common drives of survival and of relationship. The fundamental mechanics of our brains are the same.

TABLE

2.1 \:

PTuTTIVES AND AMNESSADORS


The parts of the human brain that specialize in survival have been around for a long time-actually, since the dawn of our species. I like to call these war' ring parts our "primitives." You can think of your primitives as your beasts
Hypothalamus

within. The primitives operate without your permission. They are first in the chain of command with respect to survival reflexes, and function to trump all your other needs and wants. They are agents of war (fighting and running
away) and defeat (surrendering and playing dead).

Pituitary and
adrenal glands Dorsal motor vagal

Fortunately for us, we also have a more evolved, social part of our brain. In contrast to our warring brain, this functions as our loving brain. We can legitimately say it has been wired for love. I like to think of this part of the

complex (dumb
vagus)

brain as the "ambassadors." Unlike the primitives, the ambassadors interact with other brains in a refined, civilized manner. You can think of your ambas. sadors as your diplomats within. In reality, some of our primitives function as
ambassadors at times, and some of our ambassadors have primitive functions,
as well. But for our purposes in understanding couple behavior, it is useful to oversimplify a bit and view them as opposing camps. Let's look more closely'

In

essence, the prln-Lirr,

similar to thar used l-r lht


sequence of events uniblJs :

oflalert. AII this takes pla:=


at a level mostly bevond
can detect the evidence.

r-rur

THT PRIMITIVES
Our primitives are naturally geared to wage war. Whether it's a little battle or a big battle, they're ready to defend us, whatever it takes. They allow us to sense, feel, and react, and tend to be the first receivers of information,
both inside and outside the body. This makes them fast at identifying dangers
and threats, and expedient when dealing with those dangers and threats. In fact, our primitives have all the advantages millions of years of evolution can afford, such as integration, efficiency, and speed. They were the first to arrive

-{n

we might influence the prr.; defined three critical srages:

STAGE 1: RED ALER The first line ot Jctin..


sound the alarm, loud

ani ;.

on the scene and will likely be the last ones standing at the end (death). So, how exactly do the primitives operate (table 2.1X And more importantly, how can you identify them in action in your relationship?

ried out by one of our n.:, shaped structures in the environment for signs of da:
other words, they indiscrirr.:-

don't have much of a srrare:

26

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tBeJqt eqt raqtaq^d ez^leu ol dots daqr op rou t8eteus BJo qcnu e^Bq t,uop .{aq1 'pug [eq] uoneuroJur re^eter{^\ qer8 dleleurtur.rrsrpur Leqt 'sprom reqlo

2dtrlsuortele.r :n.-.",'-

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aArJJ Ol lsJrj

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4J sr srrlJ ,,ltuasa;d sr re8ueq itno qJlBlN,, :JeelJ pue pnol 'rurele aqt punos puu re8uep a.r.raored ot sr salrlnuud aqr Suotu esuaJep Jo eurl tsrrJ aql

eql

JJO^\ .\Jrl

::

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:-

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molp [eq1 'seIE] t] ra-\arEU'r. !

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a.rrr

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ta

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(snBe,r,

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se,ti8 pue ureJq aql ur

sntuepqrodLll

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SUOCYS
'euBs eql eJB SUIEJ{ -iIL! r

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NIYUfl DNIAO],/DNIUUVM lHI

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WIRED FOR LOVE


is real or imminent. They just scream red alert, and assume one of the ambassadors

STAGE 2: READY

TI

will conduct

more careful assessment and step in to correct any errors

or erroneous assumptions made by the primitives in the heat of the moment.

Intelligence should always be analyzed before going to war, right? However,


analysis takes time, and time is a problem when danger is afoot.

The amygdalae largely run the show between a couple when they feel threatened by one another's facial expressions, vocal inflection, sharp movements, or harmful words. Instead of two whole brains at war, it is a case of dueling amygdalae-sort of like Wild West gunfighters honing in on that twitch before reaching for their pistols. Like Darius and Shenice, partners are
on constant lookout for threatening signs and signals. Specifically, the

When the amygdaiae h, chain of command jumps io is the main primitive resFc: action; it directs the pirrrlusary for action. These glanJs

command of the hypothalan Together, these primilr. releasing substances-such,

righl

and corrisol-into our bioo;

side amygdala picks up on dangerous facial expressions, voices, sounds, move-

ments, and postures. The lefpside amygdala picks up on dangerous words and
phrases.

and gets us ready to fighr : adapt to stress by reducinr :r

tinual balancing act beru'et


hypothalamus: should r',e
troops?
c

Consider Franklin and Leia. After dating for more than a year, Leia is

frustrated by Franklin's hesitancy to ask for her hand in marriage. She is all but ready to move on and date others. While driving to dinner one evening a
week after Vaientine's Day, they get into a fight.

As soon as the alarnr lus three options: we can

After

a long period of listening to music, Leia, on the passenger side, sud-

denly shuts off the stereo. "Can we talk?" she asks, looking ahead.

:i. whether to fight or flee. Cn troopsl" Just as the amvgd;


accuracy of information. rhe out questions. Again, the
ass

Franklin's body stiffens as he utters, "Sure." His amygdalae have picked up the tone in her voice and the events that just occurred: the silence, the

turning off of music, the question "Can we talk?" His amygdalae have grabbed onto all this in a manner not available to Franklin's full awareness, and his
body prepares for something vaguely warlike. Moments before, Leia had been contentedly listening to a song with the words "Goin' to the chapel...." The image captured her amygdalae, and she suddenly felt disturbed for no apparent reason. Her attention drifted to the previous week, when she had expected a Valentine's Day proposal. Almost
before she knew what was happening, the question escaped her lips. She froze

along later and clean up, as


orders almost simultaneousl,,

In our example of Fran,

can see the evidence just b,


ened, preparing for a flght. L

stomach another fight (althr

unlikely to flee). Both their tive juices. Their pupils ji1 blood flow. Energy and alel
for war.

with fear, anticipating Franklin's reaction to her bringing up the dreaded subject...again. Now, even though she avoids looking at him, her amygdalae have
registered the slightest may know

hint of exhalation in the pause before his

response,

STAGE

3:ALL-OUT

"Sure." Her body remembers, recognizes, and anticipates war. Although she

it would be reasonable to check for errors in her perception, that

Ar this stage, the priml'


who was supposed to be t,us

isn't foremost in her attention.

28

6Z

tnqs sq srorre roJ 8ur1car1c puno.rS4ceg eqr ut Lsnq eq or pesoddns

se,4d

oq^\

Jopssequre eq1 'ece1d ar{t Jo unJ eqt a^q se.ulnuud eqt 'e8ets slqt

tV

leql 'uolldeorad raq


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TJI

sl-:i:

--

IUVM

INO-]]V:T

EDVIS

eqs q8notllly'lErr sp-i:t:.--. : JjrE: :---eneq eelep8Atu lel{

'ru:i -. :

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-se8rp pue e,trles Surle.utce '>lcetus ot ue8aq sdq rteqt

d"jl;i

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':.:;'-

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Surqcretu
a.r.e8

aql ol PaulrP uolluallE r:l{ eqs pue'eelep8Aue lll :::--:eqt ql1^l Suos e ol Sutuals.- ".-:
srq pue 'sseueJe,rrB

rrueleqlodlq

leqr

ilni

s.u-li.--t::

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peqqer8 eleq ae1ep8-(ruE sri

j , 'ri
-

eql (Jf,ualls eLll:Pallnrt,'t:-.


pa4rtd aneq eelep8.irue
'PEaqE

eruoc III^I sJopesseqrue eqt leqt opeur sI uortdtunsse eql 'ute8y'suollsanb ]no -qrrm ee1ep8^urB el{t o1 spuodser snruuleqrod.{q al{t 'uolteturoJul Jo Lcelncce

stlr

:-

Sutlooi 's--'.:

aqt Suruousenb lnoqlr.t

IUJB1

eq] ro len auo 'oau to rt13g o] raqteq \ eqt [peeg,, :apeur sr IIEo arp eprf,ep a^\ alrq^\ azear; l,lueluaulouI ro 'aap 'tq8r; uJ e.^d :suortdo aarql sn
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(reqto

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eql
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sI Jo 'lq8r; o1 enulluoJ

e.^d.

PInoL[s :smuelegiod.(r1

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se8essaru speeJ slef,rureqc esaqt uee^\teq

tce Sulruelg IBnuIl


Lq ssaus or rdepe

aql 'l,poq rno ur e8eurep pue uorlururegur Surcnper

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ere sreuued 'ecruaqg puE snrlE

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tEqt uo ut Sutuoq s:atq6r,tun;


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leay Leqr uer1.r,r aldnoc E u3a.r:'tooJe sI :a8uep u:
'la,La.tro11

toerrp eql rapun srerplos tooJ pue sra8uessaru

-socou slecrureqc asealer o1 spuvy8 lpuatpD pun

are spue18 eserlJ 'uoltre rol Lres (.lotut4 aqt stcarrp I luorlce

llq8u

'JE.r ot Surr-i
sa-1.:

rol Lpee; serpoq pu spurur rno SurDaB roy elqrsuodser aartnuud uretu otl] sI snrueletlrod.{q aglsnulDlpry od[q aqr :uor]uaue ot sdurnf pueuluroo Jo UIBqO eqt ur elrtrunrd lxeu er{t rrurle uB pepunos e,r.eq aelep8dure er{l ueql6

'lueruour aql Jo leLI eql ul

sroue,{ue lJa.rJof, ot ur dets pu.

ISdOOUI
NIVUS DNiAOI/DNIIUVM

lHI

ACV]U

:Z

]DVIS

.sgue eqtJo euo surnssE

PUE

'

]HI

WIRED FOR LOVE

down-or

worse, become overwhelmed by the urgency

of the primitives.

"Don't

say

I was ignonn

Often the relatively slow ambassadors are beaten to the scene by the fastmoving, chaos-producing primitives. So, for the couple, it's all-out war, and there will be no clarity until the fog has cleared. Then they'll have a chance
to gather the dead and count their losses.
Couples at war have certain tell-tale behavioral signs. Some partners get

always do thisl You can'r sa,

tionate I was."

"When did I

say

thari"

"You said it that night."

"No, I didn't. You're a1-,,,


hands shake.

very excited, while others become slow, sleepy, or even collapse. Whichever posture they take, partners at war say and do things that are decidedly unfriendly. Each time they fight, they tend to recycle the same complaints, the same examples, the same theories, and the same solutions' Of course, their battles can expand, as well-to include other people ("Even so-and.so
self-centered"); other moments in history ("You did the same thing when we first went out"); and other topics ("When you do that, it drives me
says you're

"I can't believe thisl" l

Leia sits in silence, i.rrr . home."

Franklin violenth' :pir.=


ya'wanted."
necessarily a matter of r'.-lun

Not every couple ar u'a


at war can engage or disen
determines war is the partnt

nuts, too"). Couples often spend inordinate amounts of time debating facts and struggling to reconstruct and sequence stressful relationship events, leaving them no time or resources to sort out the real reason for their conflict. In chapter 9, we will look at how you can escape from old patterns of fighting. For now, let's return to where we left Franklin and Leia, and see what all-out war looks like for them.
Leia takes a deep breath and launches into the dreaded topic: "Remember

their primitives are in conrr.

THE AFTERMATI_]
Fighting can be ver\- s: their relationship mav b,e. I both partners for a rvhile.

Valentine's Day, when you got upset with me about bringing up marriage?"

Franklin sharply. "You're mixing that up with the scene at my mom's, days before. I said I was tired of everyone pressuring me about a
"\Vhat?"
says

art

proposal."

"No, I'm talking about Valentine's," Leia counters. "I asked you to give me some idea if you're ever going to..." "Here we go again," Franklin groans. "'Why do you always distort everything? I said I love you and want to marry you. I said I'11 ask you. And I crill...
Oh, just forget

The day after their ari. clear the air. Her ambassa Franklin doesn't phone or si
work and lounges around
,,r'l

they fight, he withdrari. r.'r ,

itl"

"Don't tell me to forget itl" shouts Leia. "You didn't say anything of the kind. You just told me to shut up. And I'm not distorting anythingl You
ignored me that whole night."

watching television until rht to him, and she feels ab,an;


depression and phone her a:

"That's not trueJ" screams Franklin as he swerves to avoid a car stopped


ahead.

The primitive dicrarin: In scientific parlance. it ri kr


tists sometimes refer to

ir :.

"\7atch outl" yells Leia, bracing herself against the dashboard. "You're
going to

kill usl"

subtle in its response to thre wounded, rhe dumb \ agu: ; pressure and signaling the

30

I
Etaq) sre^erler ured drunp

ot

snureletpodlq eqt Surteu8rs pue arnsserd


aJ(nOLr'plEoqqi:--i l-- -:- .Il

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ro Sururecsrp l(usr lr asnraq sn8el gunp eql s


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lI ol

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tnq

'xa14t"uoc IDBDft r.o1o1"u lDsr.op

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efr ..:. -::.-

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eq1

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eqt 3o Surqr

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tno qf,EeJ ot

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"'llnnI Pu\' n-\ >..r


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:
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au 8ur:r,;;:-: -'-'

.-:

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'rano sr elneq snoi^go etll

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.,uot1

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Surgr eures eLp Frf n.


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la8 sraulred auog 'su8is ::::-. acuerlf, e^eq 11,deqt

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i.'sE.r\

pue

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no
N

-ceJJe pe.l,o1 noL.{es osle pue nod perou8r 1 Les 1,uec no1 isn{t op s.{ent1e ^\oq 'urlef, reedde ol 8uJ^rt 'ur11uerg sLes ,,'noL Euuou8r seaa l des t,uoCl,
,,

4seJ erlt dq auacs eql ot u:tE; 'sa.r.rtrruud aqt Jo ,{cuo8:n +-;

IVUg DNIAO]/DNIUUYM ] HJ

WIRED FOR LOVE


endorphins, our natural opiates) into our bloodstream. \7hen you have blood

5. Later (when things n


other's primiti\es. lf your primitives. For e

drawn, do you become queasy or light-headed? If so, that's your dumb vagus
protecting you from bleeding out. Of course, you aren't in any danger, but that overreaction is why the dumb vagus is called dumb. It also comes in handy we are about to be eaten by a lion and can't fight or run away.

if

detectors and the hl your own names. \tii lae Fred and Ging,er

In addition to physical injury, the dumb vagus can be triggered by emotional injury and threat. It likewise responds by shutting down. Blood leaves
our face, our muscles lose their tone, our ears ring, and our stomach hurts. !7e slump, drop, collapse, and sometimes even faint. Gone is our sense of humor,

our perspective, and our life energy. $7e descend into a valley of darkness, where it seems no one, not even we ourselves, can hurt us. This is what happens to Franklin following a fight with Leia. High on his body's natural opiates, his depressed body and brain go into an energy-conserved state, and stay there until his ambassadors finally pull him out.

THT AMBASSJ

The ambassadors are i brain. It's not that rher''ie ,


page as the primitives u'he::

EXTNC I SE : DISCOVER YOUR

ever a threat is detecrei. rh

PRITTZTTTIVTS

ing all relevanr informaii,


our ambassadors
u

When you become aware 0f the role of the primitives, you $ain valuable
insight intO y0ur relationship. You are actually putting heurobiology to practical
use.

oulJ '.r.:

foster social harmonr ani cool, and collected, and hk

Here is what I suggest you try the next time yOu and yOur partner find yOurselves discussing a hot issue and going a bit wild.

favor complexity and ncve.r

If not for our ambassa; even in prison. Thel' allor',


than simply procrearion
ar:,

1.

Make sure yOu are sitting 0r standing across from each Other s0 you can

observe both yourself and your partner closely.

2. See if you recognize any 0f the stages I just described. For example, is
there evidence of a red alertP Are the troops amassing yet!)

they represent us in the u-..; calm fears and cool tempers valuable than primitive:. I next chapter), they can be

Now, I don't mean r.' ::

3. At some poini, you may want to reread the description 0f the stages

s0

you have a good sense of the specific signs for each stage. For example,
these may include flushing of the skin, narrowing of the eyes, dilating of

hilacked by primitives. Perh (Hanson and Mendius IJJ:


pared with "wolves of hare."

the pupils, raising 0f the v0ice, and verbal expressions 0f threat


find ones that are unique t0 you and your partner.

and

anger. To an extent, these signs are universal; however, l'm sure you will

cumstances, namely stress-: to help us keep love alir-e.

Let's meet the ambassa.

4. Consult table 2.1 t0 identify which of the primitives you have caught
action.

in

war, but maintain peace anr

32

ul tuFnuc a^uq noi sn,-

pio,re [1uo ]ou sn diaq

'17'7 alqe\ sdrqsuoneyer ur alol pue aceed uretureur lnq ,rem [eql ]e )ooi puB sJopESSEquE aq] teeur s(te-I ^Aorl

-.,:

'a^rlB e^ol daal sn dleq or lsaq Jreql op sJopessequre Jno 'sacuBlsurnJrro oe{.ssoJls dlarueu (seJuelsuJnc

llrM n0^ OJnS U,l 'Ja\a\1ir..t

''J 'l'-:'-' "' !":.:

-lc Lreurpro;epun 'ssalaqtreleN '(sa.Lrliruud eql


-ruoc) ,,elo11o senlo.r\,, sE

..(etBr{Jo sallo.n,, qllm pared

pUB lB0Jtll J0 SU0lSSO-rllr,.

i ,:

ulvrg stp\ppng ur al{t uI ees lJIm

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sgt

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a,,n

61e,,i

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--

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pdqi.r

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1n11111s

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Fil',', -

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t
.

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sE

-.'

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-ueq.rt 'pelou dpeerp e^\ sV 'le^r^rns ot seuroc tI ueq.r\ salrtrruud aql se e8ud eures er{t uo ar,[eq] 11enr,rrns.;1es ur pelseJatursrp er,.{aql

slnlJlwrud xno
ders pue 'elels

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rno

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ar{I

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unr lo

lr-.i;:.

lcrd puu puaqe 0g 'tuuaFras llup orlt sB snuulErlt0d,{q oqt puu sJ0tc0top luaJql aql sE aulupF^ruB or.ll J0 lutLll 01 alll | 'Oldruuxo JOl 's0^tltrutJd Jn0^ auuu uc n0^ 'dn sFulr]l uolqFll 0l poau p l00J n0^ 1; 'sanrllLuild s,Jalll0 qcEa ln0qu JOUUUd JnO^ qltM 11u1 '(unnop p0l00c o^ell sFulLlt uoqM) Jalul .g
N

dpueq ur sauro3 osle

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sn8en grunp rnoL s,teql 'or JI ;F poolq e^eq nol, uer1X6 'ureartsp.

ivdg DNIAO]/DN IU}IYM ]HJ

WIRED FOR LOVE


TABLE
Ambassador
Ventral vagal complex
(smart vagus)

2,2

YOUR AMBASSADORS IN ACTION Primary function


Exerts a calming effect by slowing the cardiovascular and respiratory systems (e'g., by a long, slow exhale)

(poly meaning manl) t.r e: (dumb and smart) sn'itch ..

He referred to this

as F.ai:

which our body either hei;_.


stimulates our smart va:us.

For example, takins a -

Hippocampus

Handles short-term and long-term memory' controls anti.stress hormones, and tracks

this manner, physical pr.,rlimited at best, and romancr If Leia and Franklir, h=car, they might hare l-e.:deep breaths could

location and direction


Insula Provides awareness of internai bodily cues (e.g., gut feelings), including cues associated with

-,

had erupted and thines he:

halc .:-'
,':- :.=:

attachment and emPathY Right brain Nonverbal and intuitive; specializes in social and emotional processing (e.g., empathy) and
body awareness

priately modulate

hi.

able to get themseh-es back

Partners enjo_ving a c.,u:

Left brain

Verbal and logical; specializes in processing detailed information and integrating complex sounds and word meanings

smart vagus and its anrl-,:., relax together, to soothe ..:.: to say to one another ttr lL::
examine this further in Ch:r

Orbitofrontal cortex

Serves as the moral and empathic center'

EXERCISE:
[4ost of the time, \,\e don t
!1

communicates with ambassadors and primitives aiike, keeping them in check

talk to our partner. \4'e clon i

run 0n autOmatic Pilot. But

,,'

KEEPING THE PEACE-THE SMART VAGUS


Fortunately, our ambassadors usuaily do a good job o{ keeping our primi' tives in line. Because ambassadors operate more slowiy than do primitives, they are particularly successful at keeping peace in situations where time is on

dors, 1ou gain a vride rarre, Next time yoll anij \our ment dnd pla\

\ illt lllir. .*,

1. modulate \out \oir e 2. whisper t0 0ne anothr:

their side.

It

so happens

our dumb vagus has

younger and more intelligent sibling;

namely, ot$ smarttagus (aka, uentralvagalcomplex). Like its relative, the smart
vagus slows us down. However, instead of overreacting and shutting us down' it enables us to hold our head above water and below the stratosphere, so to speak. Stephen Porges (1995) developed what he termed the pofuuagal theorl

3. take a deep breath eai

4. ask one another nhirlr

34

'sa^rlrurJd Jn0^ J0FFul rlcrrlM puu

0lll nOI souol r..lcrrlM Jeqlouu 0u0 ISB

't

{".toayl 1n8oa{iod ru: ::'-*::- : ol os 'ereqdsotEJls :,-- ,' ';,- : 'u,\\op sn SurrrrrLl; I j: : - .''-.

l1ueds no,{ aJoJoq

oull qcuo qluaJq deap u a)iul 'g


o1

lreuls eql 'e'rtteie: a-i


:8ur1qrs

:,t.:- i
-- :

rua8rllrr;r

:-

:(iiBLjt op no,4 uuc) Jolllouu euo


:(Jolsu1 pup JOMols :J0U0s puu

;edsrqnn '7

;epnol) ecro,t;no,{ eiulnp0u

'l

uo

sr

eurll eloq-\\ su-'l-: . - : -- ::

:no,{ uoq,n suaddeq tuqM oos 'slLjl rjlm ,{u1d puu luaur -Uedxe 'Fulttes poxulo.r B u! FulIlBt e;u reulrud ;n0,4 puu no,{ eurl txeN 'suortdo J0 oFuuJ oprm p ulF n0^ 'sJop

'; :'se,r,tluut.td op uil-l- .'. ," -uuudrnoFurlp:>: - . ' -L!'; .


S

-usspquB rno,{ eFuFue puu uMop nno;s no,{ uollM tr.r8 'tolld cllpurotnu u0 unJ tsn[ 0,1 'Fultltue;q Jn0 ]0 otuJ or]l 0l uoltu0t1u ,{Bd t,uop a,l 'raulBd rn0 0l Ilpl
0M su

oletr

socron Jno punos 0rll

0l uolsrl o] dols l,uop 0M 'aull oul J0 lsol4

aaNnos no^

oc

:IISI]XIXI
^AoH
'g rardeq3 ur raqtJn; srqt eururexa
s8urueaui p--- r'. I

-,

teq.u uJeel
puB u.r\op

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.^Aols

pue (.(gtedrua "3'a) ;r-:...::


r:.', IeIJOS Ur Se;IIEIre:S

Jraqt Jo suonnqrnuoc eqt urou trJeuaq alqqnq eldnoc e 8ur.(o[ue sreu]Jed '>lreJt InJeJeod e uo IrBq sa^lesruetp teE ot alqe

uaeq a^Bq rq8rur daqr 'aurn1o,r pue euot lef,o^ Jeq ro srq ottslnporu dlaleud -ordde ot elge uaaq peq rerliro JI 'alcdc eqr peddors a^Eq plnol stpeerq daap

qll^A pelllosse sanl :,.-::

"3'a) senr ,{1lpoq

1t

u:=-'-

eruos oIBt ot Sursned '.puerl Jo ]no te8 ot patrets peq s8urgr pue perdnra peq tueurn8re Jrer{t Jl uaAA 're.\\ ot Suro8 plo^E ot elqe uooq a.teq rq8rru Leqt 'rer eqt uI eJe,u deqr a1iq,u srlteerg deap ,tre; e ualet perl urtIuBJC pue ero'I JI

SIJEJI pu 'Sauolul--j

'pe^rl uorls aq pino.t\ ef,uEuror puE 'tseq te patltuli eurt eg p1no.r,r. Surag uerunq reqloue tllp,r Llrurrxord pcrs.{qd 'rauueur srq] ur u^\op sellesJno urleJ ot drryqe aqr tnoqtllN 'sn8e,r. treurs rno salelnrurts

"3'a)

sr-uars,{s

:'-

'uorteleqxa

.tro1s e

Lpelncrtred 'qtearq

'Jeqtou euo ot eleiar ot

[l]llq* rno sJepurri ro sdleq regrra lpoq

^\ols

'daap e 8ur1er 'eldruexa tog rno qJrq.{\

^rolErJ-:: aqt 8ur.uo1s iq r:+-

q8norqr 'tuals,(s luauaBn8ua Jnrros xeldruof, rno Jo ued se srqt ot perra3or aH 'tueruour ar.[] speau agr ot Surproroe lJo pue uo gotr,us (treurs pue qunp) Jo ,lo,oq ureldxa o1 (.{ueru Surueeru [Jo{) uratsls 1e8e.t -rno Jo slcedse IBnp eq]

NOIIfV NI

SXO

NIVUg DNTAOI/DNTUUVM rHJ

WIRED FOR LOVE


KEEPING THINGS STRAIGHT-THE HIPPOCAMPUS

If Leia and Franklir


or "You're right, that

A harmonious relationship is one in which the partners

each know who

argument, one or both cc

they are, and also know who the other is. They possess a basic sense of orientation within themselves and within their relationship, and this underiies

was

prove the other wrong, tl

their communications. They don't unnecessarily confuse one another. And if 'SUe confusion ever does arise, they are able to sort it out with relative ease. could say both that they're good at keeping things straight and that they know how to be straight with one another. This is accomplished by another ambassador, the hippocampus. Its shape resembles that of a seahorse (hippos is "horse" in Greek)' and its function is to track important stuf{ such as where we are, where we're going, what just hap'
pened, and what happened weeks and months ago. It helps us remember who
we are and what we're talking about.

the relevant history. Or,


know, those details don't
you're feeling."

REMAINING
A
ability to pick up our

EN

speciai nod must I

o\r-:

responsible for our abilirr

Our hippocampus is a key ambassador because of its role in memory, its


control of antistress hormones, and its ability to encode and retrieve information about our surroundings and directions. If you've ever been to London, you may be aware that the taxicab drivers there are famous for knowing where
they are and where to go. They seem to have an internal virtual map enabling them to place things in spatial memory more accurately than the average person can. In fact, researchers who studied these cabbies'brains discovered they had a hippocampus larger than that of people who don't drive for a living. Not only that, but the cabbies' hippocampi actually grew larger as they
spent more time on the job (Maguire et al. 2000).

to feel disgust. For our p empathy. Thus, it is an es


of love.

SrRyrNc Co
Led by the social cht on keeping us connected
bers. The ambassador ri'h

our brain, or more simpll

For our purposes, the hippocampus is significant because it is involved with placing relationship events in time, sequence, and context. Not only does it help us find physical locations (e.g., where to meet our partner for lunch), it also helps us encode and play back who did what, when and where, and with whom. The amygdalae are the prime culprits in disabling the hippocampus during times of war. For this reason, couples at war can be at risk for memory difficulties. Like Leia and Franklin, who argued over the events

The right brain car sense of things. It is spee A great deal of our huma from this ambassador. i:
reading facial expressicns

Had either Leia's or F ably wouldn't have enlt*


have suggested ther,puli
perhaps used a well-place

on Valentine's Day, they can get embroiled in continual struggles to recon. struct and sequence stressful relationship events, and neither partner can accurately recall who said what and when. Any attempts to establish agree. ment only intensify the battle. In extreme cases, this constant war can litep
ally cause our amygdalae to grow and our hippocampus to shrinkl

The skillful use of


cues

r',.

workings of the righr br:.:

of distress and

resr

36

LI,

r{Snorqt dyelnclued tla,tlrce;;a ruaqt

ot

Surpuodser puB ssaustp Jo senr

lenos dn Suqcrd ]e rouedns sr ropessegrue slqJ 'ure.lq rt13u agr;o s8urryoar eqr 1lB er rlf,nol pue 'tcetuoc eda tcalp 'auot lecol Jo osn InJIITIS aql
'uorlJeJJe pu sseur]puau; leu8rs ot qf,not peceidlle.rrr B pesn sdeq;ed

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ro 'al,a-ot-aLa pue areJ-ot-aceJ

llet

pue Ja^o JeJ eqt

11nd

darll palsaSSns

e,r.eq

rq8rru raqro er{} Jo euo 'ece1d rsl; eqt ur rB,n re dn pepua e.req r,uplnolr Llge -qord deqr 'pe8e8ua d11n; ueaq suru;q rq31r s.uriluerC ro s(era.I reqtre pEH 'a8en8uel .(poq pue 'sauot 1eco,t 'suorssardxe lelce; Surpear Surpnlcur 'lercos s8urgt IIE uo uedxe eq] leJ [q .l ll 'ropBssequre srrl] u.ro.rJ
seuror tf,auuoc ot

slue^e JLII re"\o F.n:: . {SlJ 18 eq Uel lP.\\ lr :: - : -dtqetlt3ur1.1e.tp: ---: ' :
-

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7o aml4uuay ry8u eqr sr alor srqt ur peel aqt se1et
oq.&\

rno pu tqtedua rno '[]rueurnr{ rno Jo leep leer8

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ropessBqure er{J 'sreq


sn Eurdeal uo

Penlo^ur sl lr :snr r-r: - -. : : . ' .. Leqr se.le3;e1 .ta:;,'.-'.-r:. =

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rno;o uosredrruqr Iercos eql dq pe1

-^rl e JoJ a.\]rl' .].u | ' -- ;':': PaleAOJsll SUIPi,l .:1.--:: a8e;e,te erlt uErp .',T:-:::::,

::
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IHI-AIIf,ENNO]

DNIAYJS

Sutlqeua deu lenr:: "' -:. -::* -.'I ia;eq.r,r But.\\OuI

'uopuol ot uaaq l?.':: r'-- -' -eullojul e.\JIlltl F'j: :: ' -' slt '.(.Jotuotu Llt :i \j : -.

'e^ol Jo aureqJs puer8 eqr ur ropessequre luelrodun Lllercedsa uB sl tJ ,snq1 ,{qredue


3ur1ee3 ot JolnqrJluol ItrA E sr Elnsur aql 'sesodJnd Jno loC 'lsn8srp IeaJ ol

: :.

:I

oqM Jequleual i 1- r; :

- --

pue 'tuse8.ro u e^Br{ ot 'uosled rer{loue ot r{cege ot l.t1lq lno JoJ elqysuodser sI tI 'teeq ]rer{ pu 's8urlae; tn8 'suor}esuas dpoq u^r.o Jno dn ltrd ot ^tIIIqE stgj-'Dlnrur egt ot ua.u8 eg tsmu pou lerceds y

eqt sn

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ol

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fl

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NSNI ] HJ-)IHIVdW] DNINIVWIU


luop sllBtap esoql
,,'3ur1aa; alnoL ,arou1

: :

lBr{^{ ur PelsaJe}ur eJour ru(I 'znou tqSu ral}eur l,1per

Jl

,{eqt teql pue tq-tt i-: rr - - alN'asBe a^rlBlsJ r1l1-\\ rnr ,. ,_ Puv 'roqlouB ouo asnir.l.-: '---., sarilapun srqt pue 'drqsu,ri-:':
or1,{\

notr,, 'pres e^Bq plnor uraqt Jo euo 'le]]eur ler{l roJ ,rg .Lrolsrg lue^eler eql raqle8ol pecard pue setou peredruoc a^q plnor l,agt ,8uo-r,lrr.;aqlo aql ezrord

ot Surd:t

r{oa Jo pBetsul .('pBrJ

,,'teqt [es p]p I Jequtarrrer

1 'r1eaL

e, A tq8ru tln3Ujlp B s.r\ leqr ,lqftr oJ.nol, Jo gO,, 'p1". e^q plnoJ qtoq ro euo ,1uaurn8.re

-uatloJO esuas f,lSEq P iSf i: ,roul qreo s:eut:eJ ru- -

:taql Sutrnp Suruortcun; ueeq peq sJopessqrue s,urpluerC pue

Bra-I JI

sndwvfoddill lH

NIVUfl DNIAO]/DNIUUYM 1H.L

WIRED FOR LOVE


nonverbal actions or interactions that convey friendliness and warmth. These qualities are a couple's greatest antidote to war.

cortex. As ambassadors 9c. nL. with almost every part .'i - -:

setting the stage for 1ove. I:


able to be curious abour

rui

TETrcING IT OUT-THE

LEFT BRAIN

cortex is our moral anJ e:.. nicate with ambassaJor. ,:.falls primarily to the orb::--: the orbitofrontal corter i:t.

Nonverbal connection can go a long way toward keeping love alive. But it alone is insufficient. For this reason, our right brain has a colleague: theleft hemisphere of our brain, or simply owleftbrain.Theleft brain understands the imporrance of detail and precision. Its ability to speak its mind is legendary. In fact, it has the gift ofgab and can be quite the little chatterbox' Had Leia's and Franklin's left brains remained engaged, either or both could have made creative and meaningful statements that, if not leading to
an immediate solution, might have given them a sense of possibility, newness, and reiief. Either couid have avoided war by saying things such as "I realize

winning argumenr, as l-. :: chill. It also allou's r.r: r r:= Neither Leia nor Fi:r-i:
simultaneously value Jr--*
was so wrapped up in sider the stresses

r:-

hc: -; anl r.:.. J:

this makes you crazy but..." or "I know we can work this out..." or "I realize this is important to you, so what if we...?" Their words would have conveyed friendliness, consideration, and thoughtfulness, potentially offsetting the influence of their primitives and allowing them to talk things out to the point
of relief. You may have heard or read

ask what he was feelins. :: :be upset, for his o\\'n iea:,-:. views of the situation. Thisbasic inabrlin :- .::

frontal cortex. Leia's..r:.: :. due to threat, and rhc:r:-:ideas and feelings. Or r: : - medicai reasons. Or peri-::'
a partner's views and pe:::.e;

in the popuiar

press about the distinction

berween righrbrain people and left-brain peopie. Usually this refers to a ten. dency to be either more nbnverbal and intuitive, or more verbal and logical.

fully developed, makrn: :: :.:


ner who was less reacrir

In fact, some partners have a stronger right brain and weaker left brain' These partners tend to communicate and process threat with less emphasis on talk and more emphasis on feeling and expression. Other partners have a stronger left brain and a weaker right brain; their emphasis is more likely on logic, ideas, and talk, and less on feeling and emotional sensitivity. Of course, others are blessed

::.--.-

better equipped. stand, and appreciate

As long as Leia ani F:.:

rher::

with strong ambassadors of both types'

able to create a couple bubb.r keep their love alive. Ht'.\:'.,

STENOING IN EACH OTHENS SHOIS: THT ONSITOFRONTAL CORTEX


For a couple bubble to be created, ali the ambassadors must work together

can operate properh', the.,

;'

critical moments, Their

srr-ar

left brains will act out oi rr:c: One solution to rhe prcb
slightest gesture to help one

in an atmosphere of friendliness, openness, kindness, lovingness, and other


positive 'nesses. 'When they do so, it is under the direction o{ tbe orbitofrontal

ners to wait until theY have c:

38

6t
lnruotlotqto arp Jo uoItre.IIF :LJar{lo pue'ssau8ur.tol'ssaupu:-; raqlaSol Iro.{\ lsnul sloP
ssE

eql uoununs ot loquaurar ot SururBe'I 'rer{louE euo dleq ot erntseS tsa}q8lls eqt ue^a eIBur ot elqB aq ot q8noua u^\op paurlf, a^Eq lpun t1^\ ot sJeu ^eqt -ued roJ sr xatJor Ietuo$otlqJo eurlJJo ue Jo urelqord eqt or uonnlos auo
'ssaurlpueru Jo tno tJe IIll!\ sulBrq uel Pue tqSp rleql pue 'pa8e8ue uleurer III,td I8e.^ ueurs JIeqJ 'stueurotu IEcrtrJJ te rueyeqrod[q pue selep8drue rreq] ur urer III^\ daqr 'Lpado-rd aterado uec se3ruor letuo4otrgJo s(urlIuBJC pu s.ere'I;r 'ra.te^rtog 'a^rl a^ol lagl daal

ir,L::

XlIXO
:SIOHS SN]
'sad.r'n

ot uter{l ro; elqrssodrur tou JI tlncrJJrp eq

ill.r rl 'alqqnq eldnoc etearo ot

alqe

aq tou 11.t,{eqr 'tu1od,ro.ara ro suJeruo) s,laulred .rreql etenardde pue 'puels 4epun 'ees oJ olqeun aJe-qloq

ro euo-url>lueJC pue Bre'I sB 3uo1 sy .paddrnba rarraq

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'1ecr3o1 pue leqre^ orolu ro + ,. -uer e ol slajal slql .t1lun- 1 .1:

Jeneu

ou eq plno,tt xetJoc letuogotlqJo rag 'url4uerg ueqt e^uf,al ssel se,r oq^a.reu 4red raqloue peq eqs I ue,re 'esEJ lBqr ul 'sa.utcedsrad pue s^\arl s,lautred e puetsrepun pue rJtr^a eznltedura ot rer{ roJ rlnlr.#lp r1 8ur1eu 'padola,rep {1n; tr 'lpooqpliqc Suunp secuarredxe ot enp 'sdeqred rO 'suoseJ lef,rperu rer{to ro esnqe Snrp ot enp paiqes}p ueeq e^Eq plnoc tr 16 's8urtee; pue seepl u.tro req puoLaq Surqrdue etercerdde ot elqEun eJoJeJer{t pue 'teJql ot enp
euIUJo $rerodurel ueeq e^Br{ pinor xatror letuo5otlgro s(Etal 'xetJof, IBtuoU -otrqJo padole,tap l,pood e o] turod Leu ezrqtedrua ol [lrtrqeur f,rseq srr{J 'uollBnlls eql Jo s.4aer^

uorlcurtsrp oqt tnoqE ssa:l ::':turod eqt o1 1no s8utqr IIEI .-'-aqr Suuresyo {leuuaiod 'ss:peLe,tuoc e^q plno'lr spro,\l l:l-

rer{ ot ruJoJuoo o} turq palcedxe {dtuts eqs 'suoseer

u,4do

srq ro; 'lasdn aq


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ol req ol rnrlo l.uPIP

lI 'SuneeJ aq rqSnu

u]I)luerc srBe} PUB sssseDs aql lePls

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or Surpeel

tou;r 'teqt sruarut-:


'xoqreDEql elllrl .qr

rltoq Jo raqtre 'pe8e8uo paur:',:


'Lrepue8el sr purur str leaJs c. eqt spuEtsrePun urBlg r,I0l aq ' i ri

1pleqt:en8eelloc

E sEtl

urr.l

-uor ot dots t,uplp er{s tuqt salrsep pu speeu uzrl.o Jerl ur dn padder.,vr os se,r\ 'aldruexe :o; 'era1 ' \er^ Jo srurod rlroq qtl^d uo{Jer pue anlel L.1snoeuetlmurs ro 'seorls s.reqlo eqt otur dets ol elqe se1rl uu{ueq rou re1 JeqtraN dqredura IeeJ ot sn s,erolle osl rI 'lilr{J ot sa,utrtuud eqt selqeue teqt >lrqpee; Surprrrord Lq se 'luaurn8re Suruurrvr -etegep '1ect3o1 e Suuuasard [q rlcmu os ]ou srqt saop xelroJ IetuogotrqJo eql puv 'u^\op sa.r.rtrruud Jno >llet ot xeuoc Ietuo5otlqro aql ol {ueruud s11e; tr 're.u Surpuedrur Jo seurrt tV 'eirle sa,Lltnurrd pu sJopessequre qtr.{\ ate3iu
-nururoJ uec '{}uelrodrur lsoru pue 'Joluec onltedrua pue IEJoru Jno sr xeltoc lBluorJotrqro arll'srerlloJo spulru eqt pue purlu rno lnoge snorJnc eq ot elq
aJE e.n

lng

'aAII a.r,oi Surdaa4 plE-\'!Lrr

NI\i-Ug

II]'l:

teqt xotroc letuo{o rqJo eqt Jo esneJag

sr

tI 'a^ol rol a8ets eql Surnas


asaql'qturJE^\ pue sssurlpuaui

ro3 elqrsuodser sr xetJoc ltuouolrqro aqt 'urerq rno;o lred Lre,ra tsorule r1]r.tr petceuuoC 'lertuenuw pue ynpamod sE sr reqlo ou 'oF sropessqwe sV .xair"o)

NIVUg DNrnol/DNTUXVM IHI

WIRED FOR LOVE


help of the smart vagus and take a few deep breaths can help. Then, for instance, with even a modicum of calm, Franklin could have led with a sign of friendliness by saying something like "Honey, I love you and I understand where you're coming from. You're worried I'li never ask you to marry me.
I understand, and I don't blame you for worrying." Such an act of friendliness and love disarms the primitives enough to enable the ambassadors to begin to come back online. As soon as Franklin senses their return, he can follow up
Examples of siiuation> restaurant (talrle 2.3). taktr
r00m.

TAnrr

2.3

S,rrrrpr-i

with an appeal to Leia's ambassadors. Most if not all of the recommendations in this book rest on the principle that you, as partners, need one another to keep love and avoid war. Initially, it can take time and some false starts. But eventually both of you must learn how to do this in a snap, without too much thought or talk. And that's easier' as we will see in the next chapter, if you have an owner's manual that includes instructions on what to do, and when, with your partner'

You: (bordering on a u hi,

Partner: I'm gerriuQ

.r;

.,:

You: \il/hat? Nog' r'ou

n:r

Partner: Did I sav tharl your glasses and ar le:.,


Ambassadors with

-,1

EXENCISE:

PRTITNTTIVES,

MITT

You: It looks like I migtr


stay on my dier.

YOUR AITASRSSADORS
You can practice this exercise with your partner.

Partner: Are 1'su oka.,'

-,-.

r.

Allow your primitives and ambassadors to hold a dialo$ue. D0 this in the spirit of a parlor game, rather than as a means to solve a pressing relationship problem. The point is to become better acquainted with yOur primitives and ambassad0rs, to learn t0 rec0gnize their respeclive voices. 0f course, if important issues cOme up in the process, that's fine t00. Try any 0r all 0f the following combinations:

You: Thanks lor ottcri. here I can't hale.

lartner: That':
the steak.

a l-un.:.=-

What differenres ii-r


become more fanriliar
rn,

1.

Have your primitives talk t0 your partner's primitives.

ilir
r

and ambassadols.

rotr

2. Have your primitives talk t0 yotff partner's ambassadors. 3.


Have your ambassadors talk t0 your partner's primitives. Have your ambassadors talk t0 your partner's ambassadors.

4.

You might also

try having your right brain interact with your partner's

Srcoxn Gurn
The second principle

right brain. Then have your left brain interact with your partner's left brain. And then switch it up.

oi:h:
!..;

when their primitiues are

40

tv
Leurnol B ua{B] eleq o.u 'ratder{c srrlt

ul

'asDa 1p

m4 atp sannnultQ r"1aT

ua\ft-b

tDln ploftD puD aftq aID^Lu uD) snut"tp4lBrlt sr

looq srilt Jo aldrcur,rd puoras aql

'uruJq ual s,J0uuud JnO{ Llltu s,J0ulJud JnO^ qlrM lcPJOlLil


u,

lrfdr)Nrud DNrarnD aNo)Is

'sJOpussPqLtru s JaL

'sentlturucl s..r;Lr
'sJ0pPSSPqrLlP

:
>.

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'se,llrLitud

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olll u0aMlaq Ocrl0u n0^ 0p

SODUOJOJJ|p

lpLjM
'0U,

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adoq I 'reurunq e s(teql :reutrBd


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'asle eraq.{auos oB plnoqs
e.r,r,

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s>lool
S

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s

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1

eq1 ur 0rntcrd u FulFupq 'Ilem B JoJ Fop oqt Fullul '19'7 elQul) luurnptsoJ Osn

u lu nu0u B ru0Jl ?ultcalas opnlcut

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J0 sald[rEx]

u8rs e qtrar pal a^eq plnor ur r; ro; 'ueql 'd1ag ue: srllp:rl r

NIV)Ig DNIAOI/DNIUUVM ]HT

WIRED FOR LOVE


through the brain, so to speak, to familiarize you with those aspects that are wired for war and those wired for love. Getting a sense of how these aspects work in your relationship is the first step in keeping love alive. In the meantime, here are some supporting principles to guide you: 1. Identifying your primitives in action heips to hold them in check' Now that you know who your primitives are and how they operate' see if
you can catch them in the act. When a red alert is going off, for exam-

be able to do this i
sometimes mav be a nonthreatening u'ai-:
possible, do this as c

Learning to rcr

gives you both a tcc

ple, can you recognize it for what it is? I m not suggesting you will automatically know how to instantly turn it off. First simply recognize that your amygdalae are sounding an alarm. This alarm may take the form of your heart racing, palms sweating, face burning, or muscles tightening, or you may notice yourself suddenly becoming weak,
slouched, nauseous, faint, numb, or shut down. In later chapters, I will discuss more specific techniques you and your partner can use when

This understandins: the next chapter, u,


know your partner.

your primitives are running the show.

Of course, identifying your primitives can be accomplished only by none other than...your ambassadors; specifically, your hippocampus. By definition, if you are able to notice your primitives in action,
they can't have gained the upper hand. If they have, it's too late; better luck next time. And you can be assured that there most likely will be
a next time.
2.

It's always helpful to recognize what works well, in addition to what does not. For this reason, I also recommend identifying your ambassadors. Notice when they step up

to the plate in support of

your

relationship; give them credit where credit is due. And invite them to
step forward whenever their warmth, wisdom, and calm are needed.

If your primitives are allowed to have their way-as sometimes happens-there will be no lollygagging around when danger's afoot. Life will be fiiled with one crisis after another, as you continually fire blind without thinking of the consequences, But when relationships are at stake, you want to avoid pulling the trigger. So cail on your
ambassadors to slow things down.
3. Identify your partner's primitives and ambassadors

in action. At times, especially if your partner's primitives are large and in charge, you may

,,

Leru noL'e8reqc ur pue aS:r:- :: 'uorlJe ur sroFssEi'-.-' 'seurr]

lV

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aq IIp\ d1e>|1 rsou eror| rEu- : lJlleq :JlBl ool c.ll '0.\Er.l \i -' . :l

'uollJe ut sa.Ltltrur:d lno-\ atr--

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j-

:.-

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sJllsnur :o '8uru;nq orel :u:-', aqt e>lBt Leru urele srql 'ru:E-: azru8ocar dldrurs tsrrj 'J-Io li u: Iil^\ no^ 8unsa88ns tou ru,l :.1
-urexe ro; !o SuroB sr tlelE r'.1 JI ees 'atEredo daqr ,rorl puE : ur ulegt ploq ot si-;

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sJopessegure pue se^rlnuud s,.reulred tnol azruSocer o] Surureel 'lueplsu] Inlc aqt ot uBf, noL se erurt ur esolt sE sn{} op 'elgrssod JI 'paJrtou a.req noL ter{^\..r{ou>I reqto qcea 1a1 o1 sLe.tr Surueteerqtuou

'a.u1e a,to1 SurJe:

pulg

;1asrno,{ uec noL eto;eq nod roJ 'asr,ua>1r'I 'uEJ

reutred rnoL

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are

stlJdse oseqt,rorlJo Jsues e:'leqt stcedse asoqt qtr,\\ no-'

NIVUg CNIAOI,/DNIUdV A lHI

Knorn

How I

Rr

oaleweasr away from (b,


depend?

It

al'

fifteen, twenty, even thirr. each other. In so manl'n'a, As we saw in chapter


ambassadors helps us ans.',

one responds the same u'.

and between the primir:'


equally fast. In fact, due

person. Not everyone's an-"i

ri

may experience
ambassadors.

differen

So, we each come to 'We may recognize our

:1

la:: Unhappy partners otic:. :


never have married vr.u"
know what planet you re explore why this

.:
,-

m)'.tiiil

in your relationship.

'dtqsuotleler rnod ur

lj aruoJrelo ol op uBJ noL letl.tr pue 'rncco uec uorteJlJllsdru srql dq.r.l aroldxe am 'ratdeqc srqt uI 'drqsuorleler aqr rnoq8nol{l (,,uo e;,nol, teueld lq^\. aou>I r,uop rsnl 1,,) acuerouS] Jo srurlJ urluruur pue (,,nod perrrur eABrI releu p,I 'slqt a{II eJe.&\ nol .laan1 1 ;1,,) ecue.rou8r rurelc ueuo sJau]JBd [ddequn
'lalel snorcsuof, B uo lou sr ]l ueuo lnq 'a1Lls s,reuued rno ezru8oca; leru
'Suneiar;o ellts ululrac E PJe.t{ot PetualJo elqel eql
er16

ol euros rlcee a.r,r 'og


'sropBsseqrue

pue

sa.ttttrurrd rnoL uee,/i\teq suoltJBrelul luereJJIP acuerradxa deru

reutred .rnod pue noL 'surerq rnoL ur eJuerren aqt ol enp 'lce; u1 'rse; ,lpnba senrlrtuud rrar{} ur ureJ uBJ 'eldruexe ro; 'sropesseqtue s,auortra.Le log 'uosred

ot uosrad urou sJeljlp sdruec Jopessequre pue olltlrulrd eql ueeanleq pue urqtr^a .re,nod;o ecuBIBq aq1 'drqsuortEleJ e ur ,{e.r eluEs er{l sPuodseJ euo -Lra.r,e tou tng 'tuatxe euros ol suortsenb asar{t Ja^asue sn sdlaq sJopessequle
pu selrtrurud rno qluA peturenbce Suruocag 'Z reldeqr ur
.^des

a^\ sV

'{Jrt reqto qrea se{ru ter{.{\ r,uop deqr 'sdua,r.{ueru os ul 'reqto qcee ^d,ou>I 1\\oul tpop leqr 1aa; g]ts sreurred eqr pue sreaL [utg] ua,Le 'dtuaart 'uearyr;

::;ilT";;: ::";
pue plB^\ot e^our
a,4A

ffi:;J,'"T"

op IAoH ls.reul:ed drgsuorlele;

-iffiffffLi'l:",
,"

"^ "r"

" ^"o..1,,{

AA

Y L

lryo/)N l,1peg or{s ro eH seoc ^aoH :JeuuBd JnoA 1Kou)


t U:lIdYHf

WIRED FOR LOVE


As a couple therapist, I have come to know that such claims of ignorance are essentially untrue, even though they may feel true to the people who say them. They are untrue because we ali have a style of relating that'remains quite stable over time. Growing up, our parents'or caregivers'styles of relating
set the standard by which we learned to adapt. Simpiy put, as we saw

our interactions. Moreover, r, courtship than in more conrn

couples touch constantly li-hi they rouch drops offdranrarrc

in chap-

very confusing, and can leaJ


are anymore?"

ter 2, our social wiring is set at an early age. Despite our intelligence and exposure to new ideas, this wiring remains virtually unchanged as we age. For
instance, I commoniy hear new parents say, "I will never do what my parents did to me," and yet despite their most ardent wishes not to repeat their par'
ents' mistakes, in periods of distress they do exactly that. I don't say this

with

"WHo AnE You,


No one likes to be classiiieJ.

judgment; it's just a matter of human nature and biology. Most partners audition for relationships fully unaware of who they are and how they are wired to relate in a committed couple universe. As in ail

around us because we have b pare informarion and erper:


human condition for cenrrurr
so today. We are liberals or cc:

auditions, they endeavor to put themselves forward in the best light. It wouldn't make sense for someone on the first date to say, "I spent a lot of time alone as a kid and I still do. I don't like my alone time to be intruded upon.
come to you when I'm ready. And don't bother coming to me, because then I'll think you're demanding something of me, and I dont like that." An
I'11

fanatics, Scorpios or Capric..:


we don't use these categorici us understand one another.

equally quick way to send a date running for the hills would be to say, "I tend to be clingy, and to get angry when I feel abandoned. I hate silences and being ignored. I never seem to get enough from people, yet I don't take compliments

key premise of this

b:.

ownef's manual for one an..t function of this manual is rhai


and understand each other's
resolve issues as they arise.

well because I dont believe people are being sincere, so I tend to reject anything nice." During the initial phase of a relationship, partners may give clues about their basic predilections with regard to physical proximity, emotional intimacy, and concerns regarding safety and security. But it is only when the relationship becomes permanent in either or both partners' mind that these
predilections really come to life.

label your partner's predilecr::


s

H:'

it easier to be forgiving anJ r.. The styles I presenr he:e


drawn from research findir-rss.

Much of what we do, we do automatically and without thinking. This is largely the work of our primitives, In relationships, one of the things partners

Mary Ainsworth and her cil almost half a centur)' ag.). e\


the years, I have obsen'ed

typically are unaware of is how they physically move toward and away from
each other. Our brain's reaction to physical proximity and duration of proxim-

th:i

ity is wired from early childhood, and influences such things as where we choose to stand or sit in relation to one another, how we adjust distance
between us, how we embrace, how we make love, and just about everything we do that involves physical movement and static physical space. Because we operate largely on automatic pilot, we remain oblivious to this entire dimension of

tionship styles. I offer these sr:-, Firsr, ifyou find )ou .r:.
yourself.

doni try ro forcc rr. .

reality. the "mileage \ou gcr : vast majority of people do ijei

not everyone does. In fact.

pe

46

LV

Jo uorsuerurp alrlue srql ol sno -rado a.,rr esneoeg 'aceds pcrsiq


e.r,t

qcrrl,u (sel^ls tueleJJ]p Jo puelq e oq uEf, eldood 'treJ uI 'seop euoLre^a tou 'selLts eerqt aser{t Jo raqtoue lo euo qrp,r lgpuapr op aldoed Jo l;uoferu ]se,r eql q8noillly ',(re,t,{etu uorteurro;ur sqt uro{ ,,te8 no,( e8ea.11ur,, eqt '[]r1eer ut turol arnd nagt ur sa1L1s aqt patueserd a^Eq I 'tl e3roj ot.{,n t,uop Jlasrnod ro reutred rnoL slg tseg alLrs qJrq,r eprcap t,uec nod pur; nol, JI 'lsJIC 'steelerJo aldnoc e qtr,^(r nod ot se1^hs esoqt reJJo 1 'saldrs dlqsuorl

Burql[re,r,a ]noqe 1sn[ pue 'a

ecuetsrp tsnlpe e^\ moq 'reqtc e,^d. eJaq./[ se s8urql qJns se]u -rurxord;o uorternp pue Ltrrulr,

uory
si

Le,me

pue ple,&ol anolu

.r

.11e; -EIeJ uleru eerqt sraurred tsour teql pe^Jesqo e,teq 1 'sreaL aql Jo euo otur JoAO 'stuaurgceue tuJoJ stueJur noq Surureldxe 'o8e ,{rnluac B JIBrl tsoruie uoldels pue iilag 'qlro.usury) sen8eelloc raq pue qlromsury dre14

(1161

sreutred s8urqr agt;o auo 'sdr sllJ'8ul1urgr lnoqlr^\ puE

pue (696I) dql.uog uqof dq.relndod epetu ]srrJ 's8urpur; qrreesar tuo{ u.&\Brp ere .(aq1 'umo .&u .!a;rlue rou .ueu rer{treu eJB aroq tuesard 1 seldrs eqa
'a.r,rlroddns Llarecurs eq o] pue Eur,r.r8ro; aq ot rarsee tr se{Bru ,,ale nod.oqm,uoul L,

eseqt teqt purru .sJauued rpoc eqt ueq,r Lluo sr tl tng 'trtr.rnr;

lurll

esuas aqr 3ur.te11 'asue Laql sE sonssr aAIosoJ

IEuoltorua'dtrturxord lecrs.iqd
senlc a.r.r8 dew s,raul;ed 'drqsuc

ol PUE reqle8ol 1ro,{\ ol Jalsee qonur sr lt 'se1.(ls s(rel{lo qcBe pulsrepun Pu ezru8ocel uec nod;1 'el&s dlrlsuouelal pue suorlcepperd s,reu1;ed rno.{ 1ege1 ,lereturrp pue 'aqucsep 'eugep o1 nod smol1e tI turl] sr IBnuBu srqt Jo uoncunJ tuelrodutr uy 'dtqsuorleler rrerlt roJ pu rer{toue auo roJ lnueur s.Jeu.{\o ue Sur,teq tuo$ trJauaq uec s.rauued terlt sr Tooq srq];o esrtuerd Le>1 y

-[ue ]cefar ol puel I os 'e.ralu; stuarurlduror eIE,r l,uop ] le\ ':


Sureq

pue serualrs eteq I 'peuoi


e-

puet L, '[es ol ag plno,r s]lrq

'reqlou auo PuetsJePun sn


dleg uec .{er1t ezruerunqep Jo aseqop ot ser:o8atet eseql esn t.uop e,u 'euodue srE]AI uro.rJ rorltre 'suJoJude3 ro sordrocg 'scrteue;
se 3uo1

uv

({'lEtll

elll

r,uop I puE 'eru

sV 'snue1 uro$ ro

esnecag 'eru ol Sururoc JeqlirJ 'uodn pepnrlur eg ot aLun aull

snor8rla.r ro slsrer{le 'sqloC ro slae8 'selrtelresuof, Jo sleJeqrl aJE oA\

tepot

os

eurrlJo lo1 e lueds

1,, 'des

ot alei

Sutop;o sLe.tr .,rreu utroJ ol enurluor deqr pue 'ser.ln1ual roJ uorlrpuoc uerunq aqr Sutur;ep ueaq e^Eq eidoed 'tce; u1 'ecuauedxe pue uorteurJoyur ered
-uroJ pue '1los 'ezrue8Jo 'elnleu 'leql surJq e^Brl e.t\ esneJeg sn punoJe s8urql pue aldoad eqt lgrsseic ot^g puat e.u tel 'paglsselc oq o] se{rt euo oNI

rI 'rqFn tseq eqt ur pre.ucl


IIE ur sV 'asrolrun eldnor peta:e ,riaqt oq,^l Jo JlEMEuu \ll:.:
.d3o1orq

p:

cno^ ruY oHM,,


,,;alotu[ue ele

qtr,r\ slql Aes l.uop J 'trll \lt rr -red laql leede; ol tou sallsr.r! sluared lru leq.r,r op re,\eu IIr,r\ rog 'e8e e,r,r, se pe8ueqfun -\llEr

pue acua8rllelur Jno etrdsag


-der1c ur
^rBS

e,tt se 'tnd ,(1drur:


.

noL oq,la..rou{ uale oq,, ot srautred peel uer pue ,8ursn;uoc dra,L 'rapuom 1 Lllecrleuerp;o sdo.rp qcnor Leqr
0q uec

srql 'tuorutrururor E a>leru

deqr rer;e

Suneler.1o salAts ,sre,u8arel la

qcrq.u qtr.r\ dcuenbary erlt tng '8uuep er,.(aqt alrl^\

rlf,not seldnoc

sureuar.tErit Surrelo: Jo
des oq,r. eldoad eL[]

a1

',:r

ol enl

l;tl
.,

Suunp

^ltuetsuoJ lueur ;og 'dnlsuor]EleJ sesetld erour ur ueql dn{slrnoc peplturuoc 'eldurexe Jo ,raaoelotrl .suortreJatur -rno lecrsdqd a]pueq e,u
^ltue.roJJlp'{tlur}xord

acue-rou8rlo surrelr qf,ns tEr{t

ulNrrvd uno/\ MoN)

WIRED FOR LOVE


case for somerimes makes it di{ficult to pick the most salient one. If this is the you, no worries. You can keep both in mind and use whichever fits best in a

given situation. Second, my purpose

in describing these styles is to inspire respect and


believe to be normal human traits. Please do not

In particular, their orbitofroni tions that provide feedback t. Compared with insecure ch:i moral judgment, greater con:r
ment of frustration. In general and arrows of social-emori.,r^,

understanding for what

take them as character defects. Definitely don't turn them into ammunition
and against your partner. Rather, see these styles as representing the natural necessary adaptations each of us makes as we develop into adulthood'

A secure relationship is cl
ity, and sensitivity. Good
teel
':'

quickly soothed. It's a grear :.


and excitement and nor,elrr',

HOW WE DEVELOP OUN S:rYTE OF RELATING


As I've stated, our social wiring is set at an early age. Whether we grow up
feeling basically secure or basically insecure is determined by how our parents or caregivers relate to us and to the world. Parents who put a high value on relationship tend to do more to protect their loved ones than do parents who value other things more. They tend to spend more face'to-face and skin'to-

experience this kind of :cc'-:

adulthood. We become rvhai However, not all

ol ui

secure. Perhaps we had selel:

sistently available or depen;, preservation, beauty, }/outh,

who primarily valued somerl

pr

tation. Maybe one or

iri.

skin time with their child; be mote curious about and interested in their child,s mind; be more focused, attentive, and attuned to their child's needs;
and generally be more motivated to quickly correct errors or injuries, because they want to restore the goodness of the relationship. In these ways, they create a secure environment for the child.

independence, and self-surrr;r choice.

can supplant the value of relat

caregiver's mental

The dynamics of this early relationship leave their mark at a physiological ievel. Neuroscientists have observed that children who receive lots of positive attention from adults tend to develop more neural networks than do children
deprived of sociai interaction with adult brains. The primitives and ambas' sadors of secure children tend to be well integrated, and so these children generally are able to handle their emotions and impulses. Their amygdalae aren'r overcharged and their hypothalamus conducts normal operations and feedback communication with the pituitary and adrenal glands, the other cogs

immaturity, and the like can happens to us, then as adult, insecurity. That can lead us r.
instead viewing ourselves more like a wave.
as

lead to ambivalence abour c..r

ExERc

rs

OF YO
following happened when \oLt

in the threat and

stress wheel,

turning that system on and of{ when

As you wonder about your o\\t

appropriate. Their dumb vagus and smart vagus are well balanced' Because of good relationships early in life, secure children tend to have a well-developed right brain and insula, so they are adept at reading faces, voices, emotions, and body sensations, and at getting the overall gist of things.

Was I frequently leit

48

6V

's8urqr;o lsl8 1iera,lo eqt


iJlos^ur {q ,{u|d 0t ouolu tJol

;ur:.;
.'.+

I ^lluontlerl

spM

'sare; Surpear le ldepe al:B

e^eq ol puel uoJPIILll

:plrrlc E e;enn no,{ ueqnn peuedduq FulMolloJ


aq1

'PeluBIEq II0.r\

0lnr.! .i? i:r


:L -.-

;o {uu ll }lasrno,{ IS lrlfirru noA 'pooqplrqc u,uo ;no,{ tnoqu iapuom no,{ sy

ueq^ #o pue uo urats.ii

crooH(nrH:) uno/\ ro
IOHSdYNS Y

Jaqto aql 'spue18 IEuolpE l: puB suorlJedo leru:ou stlr.F,.r,


eeiep8,{tue

])YJ :lISI){:IXI

ler11 'saslndrur p'j

urlp[q] JSOLI] os pue pa::-:aq1 ..


-sequre pue se^rtruud uaJPIIr{J op uErll slro.\\r?u iL-::. e.utrsodyo stol e^rof,er oq.\\.
1ecr8o1ors,{qd B tE IJEIU

arrlolaq

e.^d

esBc qcnl.4a

[]l erolu ur 'srer{lo gtr,nr SullrauuoJ tnoqe ef,uelE^rqruE ot peal

j::,'-

uEf, tI rO '[rrueurnq Jo ueoco eq] ur puelsr uE se sallesJno Sur,trer,r pelsul 'lcetuoc l{3nru oot pro^ pue sellesJno or dee4 ol sn peel UEJ }Br{I 'L]rrncesur

laqr

Surdpepun uB qtr.^d sdrqsuorteler ol eurof, e^\ stlnpe s uaqt 'sn ot suadderl uel alll eqt pu 'd]Irnteuurr

stql;1 drunces Jo

esues s(Plrqc E qlr^d ereJJatur

-e;r,(eqr 'sl,e,r asarlt u1 J:q.'..


asneJeq'serrnfur Jo s]olla

rr::-

'sso1 ro Burnert pelloserun 'sseulll leolsdgd lo Itueru s,lenr8alec V 'ecror{J .(q tou st t1 'srncco slqt ueq^\ uago pue 'drqsuonelar;o enle^ aqt luelddns uer Sutqrdue tsoutlv 'd1qapl; drqsuoneyar reno Lcuercr;;nsJles pue 'eruapuedapur 'uor]El

'dce,u-rd 'drledol pazrseqdura sre.nr8arec eJour

Jo euo aqleyq

:spaeu s,plHr rreql ot p.ur.r-:Jroqt ur Pelsarelur Fu rn,_,qE -ol-urls PUE OrJ-ol-3lEl ai_,-.or{arr sluared oP uEtll 5391r i3." uo onlel rlSlq e 1nd oq.u s-l:::

-nda.r

ro 'lauour']ua1e1 'acua8rllalur'ecueurro;.rad 'qlnoL'^lneeq 'uorle'uesald

-JIes se qcns 'drqsuouleJ

ueqt eJour esle Surqlaruos panle^ {peuipd

or1.,rn

sle.r.t8arec alour Jo euo per{ anr sdeqrad

rg

'alqepuedep ro elglrene
e.la.

/,1:uelsrs

sluarud Jno .{Loq lg peur-.u-i:r=:

-uof,

se,4d or{,4d,

euo lnoqlr./r\ 'sla,Lr8elec Surlelor IBJeAas pq

sdeqra4 'eJnces

dn

,,no.r8

e^\ laqtJLl.\\

'r:,'

.-

lla; telil

pooqpilql Lpee ur sdrgsuouele; peq sn Jo IF rou 'la^tamo11 'rorlrue ue 3ur11ec ru.l tEq.^A euroleq elN 'pooqtlnpe

ll^l.S
'PooqtlnPE s1g1

e.r\

otut rltJoJ tr [.rrec a.tr 'p11qc B sB uo]tepunoJ alnJas Jo pu1>1 srgl ecuauadxa uaqlN 'Jellaqs pue troJruof, pue Jerler osle lnq ttlerrou pue tuauratrJxe pue
uny lredxe uBf, eA\ e:et1,m ereld B s,tl ieq o1 sreld leer8 e s.tl ,!1crnb ere s8uqee; peq due esnJeq aleuluopard s8urlae; poog .dtr,Lursues pue ,,(1r .par{toos

l.';:..:I

{qlxeg 'uorlcerelur
'suorlnlrs

'sseulnydeld Lq pezualcureqc sr drqsuoneleJ elnces

pue IJntBu oqt Suuursolj.r : uolllunulule olur ulerlt uli'.r .... lou op eses]d 'slrBJl uErurr.u -

rerreq tqredrue eJour a^Eq ot puer ,(aqt (ueJplFIJ arnrasur qrrm paredtuo3

lErcos ur re]]eg rEJ op puB sseJts luorloule-lBrJos Jo s.4d.oJJE pu s8urts aql ot ]uerlrsal arour er ueJplrrlc eJnJes 'leraua8 uI .uorterlsnUJo luoru ,lueur8pnf -a8eueur luelsrsuoo oJour pue 'saslndrur Je^o loJluo3 releer8 letow

pue lcedsar aldsur ot sr s:l-r-:

'serrrtrull:d Jreqt puE sropBssEgurB reqto rrer{t ot epraord tBgt suorl {Jqpee} ,relncrlred u1 -JeuuoJ IEJneu qlrzn 'padola,tep ]la^\ sr xatJoc lBluouolrqlo Jleql

JoJ

B uI lseq slu re^ellclq.!\ esn F r asel aqt sr srrll JI 'auo tuarr'c

ulNruvd

rno

^^oN)

WIRED FOR LOVE


Was

I taken out as a show item and then put away when no

longer neededP Was I expected t0 meet the needs of my caregivers more than my own needs!)

TABLE : THRE
Style Anchor

Stre
Secr
\7i11

Was I expected to manage my care$ivers' emotional world or


self-esteemP

Gen,

Was I expected to stay y0ung, cute, and dependentP


Was I expected to $row up quickly, act self-sufficient, and not be

Ada
Island

inde

a problemll

Take Prod

Were my caregivers sensitive t0 my needs or did they frequently misread meP

(r _r Lo*'
Wave
Genr Focu

Before we go further, I want to clarify that this snapshot of your child. hood is not about whether or not you were loved by your parents. I don't want to give the impression I'm talking about lotre. !7hat I'm describing has less to
do with love and more ro do with safety and security and the underlying tudes we bring to a relationshiP.

Hrpr
Able

atti

As you read about the rl

TURET STYITS OF RELATING


When speaking about attachment styles, psychologists use terms such as securely attached, insecurell auoidant, atdinsecurely ambiualent. To keep it a bit
lighter here, I'm going to substitute the terms anchor, island, and watte. Clearly there are advantages to being an anchor. Given the option, most
of us would choose to feel secure over not. But we all bring something different to rhe table. Imagine what a boring place this world would be if it were
any other way, To help you keep this in focus, I'd like to begin by summarizing

the three styles, see which and your partner.

sr

THE ANCHOR: THAN ONE."

the strengths of each type, in table

3.1.

Mary and Pierce have been children, both now out ofrh, time dealing with their as:r

offspring. When Pierce's n.r disease, the couple found . Both have rewarding but Cer

50

IS

sE qrnur sB pu l8al aql ur sreerec Surpueruep tng Surpre,r,ret e^Eq qtog 'suortdo snorren eql r{tr,^d SuttS8nrls sa^lesuaqt puno; aldnoc egl 'aseasip s(relureqzlv qlr,Lr pesou8rp se.u Jaqloru pe.{\oPm s(eJreld uel{lN '8uuds;;o

(piarJ

u,uo Jreqt ot patelar sanssr qti^\ ueqt stuared Sur8e .neql


o,,rrt pasrJ

qtltr Sutleap euru


Surzuerutuns ,(q ulSaq ot a{rl F.
ere,{\ lI Jl eq plno^a PIlo^\ sllll -ratlP Sulqtauos Suuq IlE a.\\

qtog 'ueJPIIqc aroru pueds eJJard pu Lrey1 's.&p eserlJ 'eruoq eqt Jo tno ^\ou 'sreed -ro; reqreBor uaeq a^q ecrer4 pue .{tery

Lagl

a.r.IJ

Llua.q

NVHr

lsour'uorldo eql uelrC 'rorpur


' a ftD

u:IIIEI fg NY)

"'rNo O^AI,, :UOHfNY

rHI

nn

pwe' puolst' tot1:ur

trq e rt deal oL'ruapMqwD .\l:^i


se

qlns surJat,asn srsrSoloqr.isJ

'reutred rnol pue


Slesrnod;o sa1[ls drqsuor]Elal eqt slJaUaJ rsaq e1[rs qclq,^A aes 'sallJs aarql aql tnoqe eroru ural pu reldeqc slqt ut saldnoc eeqt el{t tnoq PeJ nol' sy
-1rre SurLpapun eqt pue

DN

anssr

uEJo sepls qloq eas ol elqv

.'irr:nl

eldoed reqto punore uagm lsatddell

ot

ssal sEq Surqursap ut.I rErl.,{

srarjtoJo arec Sutqel uo pasncoC


Sutnt8 pue snoJeueC eSuBueluIBuI A\O'I
aceds
ua.r,r8 ueq.tr trllercedsa 'e,LrleeJc

tue,nr r,uop 1 'srua.red rno.\

\l ;i

-p[lq) rnol .;o toqsdeus srt]l -.


e^ElN

pue a^rlJnpoJd
a>1e1

,{l1uenbeLl .{eqt ptp .ro

stlr

sa^lesueqt Jo arec poo8

ruEIIer-JIes pue ruapuedapul

PUEISI

0q lOu pLlP 'luolclJJns-1la:

]uaurour er{tJo spaeu agr ol f,lsea rdepy


aldoad dddeq Lyleraueg

iluapLrorlap pir

Jeqtoue qtrl\ aleqs,!1n; pue trururoJ ot SunlUN slBnPr^lPq


a1d1s
sE

erncss

ror{f,uv 3I&S

J0

pUOM lUU0llOtUd .s.l.r\r;

slqr ur elelar oqn aldoed Jo sr{l8uerls

ur?t.ll dJOru sJd\rFo,rP

iUr

DNIJV]]X JO SE]AJS llXHT

lHI:lO SHIDNIU]S I' rlsvl


rrNJuvd uno1\
^^oN)

0u uoLlM ,4u,nnu lnd

LraLlt

WIRED FoR LOVE


they would have liked to bring Pierce's mother into their home for care, they had to acknowledge that would not be realistic.

arranging our schedules so w( stops because she sees pierce

Their conversations during the process of arriving at the decision to find like this. "I want you to tell me exactly how you feel," Mary says, looking intently at Pierce so as not to miss any subtle communication written on his face.
a medical facility for Pierce's mother went something

'And bring her here for where Mary left off She wipei and kisses it. 'Actually, I thir
care of in a good environmen

"Of course, you know I always do," says Pierce. "Honestly, since we had that long talk the other night, I have to say I'm feeling a degree of relief."
"You mean since we discussed moving your mom out of her home?"

"I know you wi11," says iv up, we'Il deal with it. As we a "Yup. You know," pierce a
to talk with you about all this

"Right." He pauses, looking deeply into Mary's eyes, not hiding the pain still hovering beneath his relief. "I think it's taken
staying here might not be the best life for her." "You know,
a

load off me to realize that

with me when I first said what I thought would be best," Mary says quickly. "I wasn't sure we were on the same page. My parents are stili healthy, so this isn't the same experience
was worried you might be upset

WI CeN Do Ir
Mary and Pierce are
exar

for me."
Pierce smiles. "Yes, I admit I was pretty upset at first. But I thought about

relarionship Geling secure in don't always choose to be ri-itl

it. I knew you were trying to figure out what would be best for all of us-you,
me, and my mother."

island or a wave. In many ca, becoming more of an anchor.


anchors can pull non.anchors

"Exactly," says Mary. "If it were my mom, I'd want the same from you. This isn't about getting my way. It's about us, together. If you strongly believe we should find a way to bring your mom here, at least for a while, I'11 work

the reverse can occur, as


becoming more insecure.

r.r.ell

with you on that. I might disagree. But I certainly won't fight you."
"Thanks,"
ger
says Pierce.

As anchors, Mary and pier


because they experienced anc

'And thanks for not overreacting when I started to

kind of uptight."
"Honey, I had a pretty good sense of what was happening for you," Mary gently, then pauses and continues with a twinkle in her eye. "You know,
Pierce smiles back. "You sure do, and I'm so

high value on relationship ar

says

responsive, and sensitive to ti efforts to communicate. Both l hugged, kissed, and rocked as their parents'eyes that thel kn Neither Mary nor pierce t-e

after ali these years, I have the manual on you."

glad-even if it's a heck of

long manual, with all my quirks and foibles."

Mary gives a little chuckle. "You know I wouldn't have you any other way. Besides, the manual you have on me isn't exactly the abridged version."
Pierce pauses and sighs deeply. "\7hen

her. And neither Gels anxiou. When they have ro be apart r,

I thlnk

about

it

rationally, it's

obvious that it wouldn't work to bring mom here." "Honey, if we put our heads together; we can find ways to make the best of the situation. For example, getting your mom a place that's close by. And

phone and e.mail, greeting each or apart, they are unafraid to f:r about any negative consequenc

what she thought wouid be te. feelings and treat one another ,

52

ts
sSuIIeeJ

pq pue saeu PooS erBqs ol ecJnos lsllJ ol{l sB reqlouE euo lEeJl Pue s{Joqto qree tJedsoJ Leql 'ruour s(arreld toJ tsaq eq PIno^\ lg8noqr eqs leq.{\

puv

'Aq osolJ s(tIlt aceld e

uo

lsaq eqt aleru ot sdem pur; uer


(('a.Ia

u.\\oul eperu lrery ueq.{\ esBJ arl] sB,{\ se 'sacuanbesuor aaile8eu ,{ue lnoqe ureluor tnoqti.r spurur s.JeqlouB euo aregs d11n; ol PiEUun ere Leql 'llede lo
raqtaSol
'.raeqc poo8

pue sseullo^Ii qlI^A Jel{to rlf,e Eullear8 '1leu-e pue auogd

s,tr '.fileuoueJ tr lnoqB Iulqr I (('uorsrel pe8puqe atp .{p:


'de,u

raqto.(ue nol e^Bq ],up1no.'


E s,lrJr

[q lce]uoc tuenber; a>1eur daqr 'uoseet eulos roJ lrede aq ol e^Eq ,(agr uaq16 te,tre re; oot Furloru ro asolr oot Surtta8 lnoq snolxue slaeJ JOqlIau PUV 'rarl Jeqlo eql slaal erJeld rou L;e14 laqlleN
Jo

urrq o1 sBurlc ro Lpeau l,pa,no

sr

'uraqt roJ tsnl ]ueeu

sB,^A

^\au{

,(egr regi sada ,slue;ed rter{l

BJo lreq
',r\ou>l

uana-pe13 n.,.

'Pllll E s Pe{ror Pu 'Pessl1 'pe88nq ur uea13 8ut,r.o1 e Sutees 11ecar ^eqJ 'plaq Sureq;o serrorueul e^Eq elJeld pue lreyrq q]og'eleclunuruloc ol sllo;Jo
pue 'tro;uroc JoJ sPIq 'sseJlsJP ;o sleu8ts rlaql ol e^Illsues pue 'e.ttsuodsar JIeqI 'uoltceretul PuB dtrlsuotlelel uo enp.t q8tq
'peunl1e aram stuered
or1,r,r

no ,, 'a[a reg uI elIur.\\]

Lletr1 ,,'noL ro; Sutuadderl sE.\\ :

e peceld

sre^u8erec dpea ruorJ pauleol pue paJueuadxe .{eql esnecaq

ol pJtrets I

ueLl,lr

roqtouB euo ot l]trnces sltlt Jal;o ot elqe ere ef,rald pue Lre61 's'loqcue sy 'eJnJasur eroru Suttuooeq

,,'rroL iqBrl

Sutlreo;:o.r, l,uu\\ \lul


.

olui JoqJuB ue gnd uJ eAe.4A Jo puEIsI uV 'llal6

sB 'JnJJo

uec esIeAeI el{l

Iro^{ II.I 'e11t1.u e roJ rsEel rE ': '::qt:F


e^erlag L18uo.rts no,(;1

'esrnor JO 'se^lesurotlt srorlf,ue Suruoceq otul srol{lue'uou 11nd uer sloqsu :luElJodurr sr lI esnBJeq ute8e srgl des eu lal 'Jol[JuB uB Jo eJoul Suttuoceq

'nol. ruor; etues eL[] tuB.{\

p,l

'-.

raulred Jeqlo eql uI llnsal seqJleu esaql 'sese: .(ueur u1


uB rltr^\ etur uBc ror1Jue

'eAE,t\ Jo PUEISI

'no[-sn;o

JIe roJ ]seq eq Finr-'

uV

'srotl3ue ]oqto qtl^^d eq ol esooqc sLemle luop

rnoqe rqEnoqt I tng 'rsrg lE

rri:

sroqrue 'osrnoc JO 'slenpr,tlpul s sollesuloqt uI eJnf,as Sutiea; drgsuotlelar eql ol eluBf, qcee daql 'sloqcue o^\l Jo saldurexa arE ef,reld pue trrery

ecuerradxa eures eql l(usl srrlt

uo

aJe.{\ eiA e,Ins l(usE^\

ulHrsDOJ JI OC NV) rM
'slql I]E lnoqe noL qli.t\ ,('uleet poo8 e e>leul alN

plES lsJU

uoLlM

I,, .\1r-rau qlttr t:-::'

leql

ezIIEer

IFI

ol

ured eqt SulplLl Jou

ol eltllJO p"o1 . .-r.' rr .. r:,


'sa
,

no1 'dntr,, elqe Sureq etercerdde os '8ng e req Surlt8'sPP ecratd ,,'^\ouI 1,, '11 rltl^\ IEep 11,e.tr 'dn ,,2qeeL 'op sdemle o,4d. sV seruor JeloteqlX '3ur11er deal i1,em puy,, 'dre14 s,{.es ,,'11pt nod.troul 1,,

..leuloq Jeq Jo lno tuL.rlu i: -. ..Jarial Jo aer8ep e 3ur1a:: per{ e^\ ecurs '[1]sauoHl, err:: uelllJ,\\ utrllEll'
'aCEJ SIq Uo

t,,r;T,il;il:::j;:i:J:il;::
[re4
areq,tr

,{puarur 3ur:1oo1 's{es 'srqr

r.re1i

-.

ue{r IIe^\ urour dtu eas I ef,uo retaq IaeJ puEq raq sqer8 aq pue '>1aeqc srqy;o dorpreet e sadr.ra aqs lJo r;e1

rIIl

6ur i-^ -l

dn Sur4crd 's,{es aq ,,'uf, e.tr s ua}o sB slEeul ro; erarl req Sutrg puy,, 'dn Suueet saLe srq pue pEeq srg Surppou orreld saas atls esnecaq sdots
L;ep1 ,,"'elqrssod se qf,nru sE rotl lIsI^ qtoq uer a.!\ os selnPeqcs rno Sut8ueue

puu ot uorsrlep eql te bur.rr:-,'


Leqt 'erec roJ eruoq rrorit oru:

dlNruvd uno,\ MoN)

WIRED FOR LOVE


news. Each takes careful notice of the other in private and in public, minding cues that signal distress and responding quickly to provide relief. In all these

"l value my close rela


them in good conditio

ways, they build a murual appreciation for their couple bubble and regard themselves as stewards of their mutual sense of safety and security. Each has made the effort to learn how the other works and to compile what amounts

"l get along with a wi(

"l

to a manual with all this knowledge, and they make use of it on a daily, if not
moment-to-moment, basis.

love people, and pe

"My close relationship

This couple truly view themselves to be in each other's care, and understand thar the iifeline they maintain, their tether to each other, is what gives
them the energy and courage needed to face the daily stresses and challenges of the real world. Because rheir relationship is secure, they are able to con-

"Lots of physical conti

"l'm equally relaxed \


alone."

tinually turn to it and use it

as

their anchoring device amidst the sometimes


"lnterruptions by ml,

chaotic outer world. Anchors aren't perfect peopie, but they are generally happy people' They are given to feelings of gratefulness for the things and people in their lives. People tend to be drawn to anchors because of their strength of character,
love of people, and complexity. They adapt easily to the needs of the moment. They can make decisions and bear the consequences.

l(

Now let's look at a couple

Anchors take good care of themselves and their relationships. They expect committed partnerships to be mutually satisfying, supportive, and respectful, and will not bother with unsafe or nonreciprocal relationships'
They do not give up on a relationship if the going gets rough, or when they become frusrrated. They are unafraid to admit errors and are quick to mend injuries or misunderstandings as they arise. They handle moments of togetherness with the same ease as they handle separation from their partner' In
these ways, they are good at coping with relationship challenges that might overwhelm non- anchors.

THr IsreNn: ..I V HousE, Iusr NoUxruss I ASKYo


Chiana and Carlos, both prote,

their marriage not to have chrl ship with plenty of travel and ar

EXTRCTSE: ARI YOU AN ANCHOR?


Do you believe ygurself 0r ygur partner might be an anch3rp Look at this checklist and see if it fits-first for yourself, and then for your partner.

ried because she felt her career to another person. But then sb

spirit. After their wedding,

rh,

areas: his and hers. Carlos ha;

nights when he wished to sra\' could write and watch teler-isio: room was wired with high-spee
sides

"l'm fine by myself, but I prefer the give-and-lake of an intimate


relationship."

oftheir oversized king.

54

ss

'3ur1 pazrsra^o rreqt jo seprs


emlcedser uo tr esn plnoc qtoq os leuJalul peads-q8rq qtr^\ poJr.^a erls arer{^\ acrllo u peu8rsap euerqo 'ere1 dn Lets
JoJ
se,4d.

uroor

olsrrrllur uB J0 olPl-pLrP-.1,;
J0ulJud Jn0^
S!Ll]
.rOJ

-peq retseut Jraql 'paqrnrsrp Suraq tnoqtr,4d. uorsrlelot q3te.\\ pue atIJ^\ plnor

ol

paqsr.4l eq uaq,tr. srq8iu

uit,l i

paq ilerus B

qtur 'ruoor

Jrsnur u^\o slq pq solreC 'sraq pue srq :seore

lP

I00l

dJOLicUP LlP a{-l -,,

eteredas o^At pepnlf,u] tBr{t euoq B tllnq

[eqr

'8urppe.^A rrer{t JaUV 'lurds

peJpur)i E e>lll petuaes eq pu 'sope3 tour eqs ueqt

lng 'uosred reqtoue ol

zuoHfNY NY
rq8ru reqr se8uelluqr il;. j -: u1 ':eul:ed llJtl.l tucu u . .-.-, -'
-qfeSof ;o slueurotu a]Fu':tJ ".:'-'

etolep ol erun req ],upJp tsrleurnol e se reareo rer{ ]leJ er{s asnereq perl ^\oll -.ruur Sunte8 uo 'erntuelpe pue ie^En jo druald qrlar dnis JJo pleq pq urrlo -uonelar Jreqt qslllaqure ot peatsur pue uerplrr{J eAFq ot tou a8eureur laql
ur dpee peprlep 'seruo;,!rea

leqt ur sluorsseJord qtoq 'sope3

pue BusrqC

THI NI NOA INVAA I,, :CINV]SI :IHI


'el^ts tuereJjlp dren
B

,,'no )sY I ssrTNn "'woou ,\W Nr roN rsn( 'rsnoH

pueru ot lctnb ere puE ij--::: Laqt uog,lr ro 'g8no: :t:r I - l 'sdrqsuorteler ieco:drra:; : : pue 'a,Lrlroddns '8ut.usi-'. .", .{aq1 'sdrqsuouBlel

repun ateredo oq,m eldnoc

t >lool s(tal

^aoN

'luaurour erllJo sPeou .-,''ratcereqc 1o

ril;r : -: '.:: -:*: ,, ,.- :


.-

qiSuals lr--*--

;::
:-.
:

'se^rl rrerlt ur eldoed :u: Leql'aldoed Addeq r, .-:

,,'au JaLlloq lOu 0p s0u0 pa^Ol {Lu {q suorldnJJatul,,


,,'au0l

a
-uoc ol elqe alE

saurneluos erJl lqlrrrir'

.r r. ..: ' ieqr':::-::, ,'

ru,l uorlM puP JOUilud ,{Lu Lllr,u ru,l uoLlM paxloJ ,{;Junbe Lu,;,, A
,,'oril ullM ourJ sr uortc0}lB puB tcptuOs lucts^Lld J0 sl0l,, ,,'ollFp4 t,uoJE sdlrlsuOllulOr 0s0lc ^1
,,'oru 0A0l
,,

se8ualleqc pue sossalrs

.'.'.:: ; ,

salrE lq,t\ sr 'reqto r1rr. - -: -' -repun pue 'elec s,laura ,-r:: -

0l pual Old0ad puu 'old0od

3^01

lou Jl '^llBP
1,,

uo lI -]o a!:L

:.i,

s]unoure teq.r alrdLu.'r - : seti qcEE 'dlltncas pu:-- .'.-r::::


-

,,'aldOod J0

oplM p rJllM Fu0lu toF

1,,

^louu^
,,'u0lllpuoc p00F ul uaql
daa>l ot

pre8a: pue rlqqnq e1J : rseql lle ul jJlJl +pr - -Sutputt-u 'rtlqnd ut Fu:-

solet t! lullM 0p lltM puu sdlllsuollploJ osolc

onlu^

^u

1,, A

:-- . --

ulNrdYd nno/\

^^oN)

WIRFD FOR LOVE


Problems arose shortly after their wedding. Chiana's interest

in

sex

"You're correct. It was tn'c

started to wane. Carlos was accustomed to taking turns initiating Chiana stopped making moves and started rejecting his advances. The intense eye contact they had so often enjoyed during courtship was replaced
sex, but

"No it wasn't," she counte

by television

shows, movies, and conversations from across the room. Although Carlos was the first to complain of loneliness, his behavior was not entirely dissimilar from hers. Arguments about their lack of intimacy began to go like this: "I still love you," Chiana explains, after they've come home from work and Carios has rnade an advance she's rejected. "It's just we're so busy. Plus
you know how I feel about staying in shape."
Carlos's face turns red. "So you're blaming me for not having sex? It's my

Deflared, Carlos again r u much of this am I supposed to Chiana siams a file onto l
you want me to be successful.

After a brief stare-of{ Ca: out of herel" He leaves. slamnr

I CAN DO IT N4
Now, before you jump t,, not doing anyrhing outside ..i

fault because I haven't been working outl Is that what you're saying?" "Don't put words in my mouth. I'm saying we're both busy."

"No, I distinctly heard you say you're not into sex because I'm out of shape. That's ridiculousl I'm in great shape, and you know it. If I told you something like that, you'd never talk to me again." "Look," Chiana says impatiently, "let's talk later. I've got a deadline and can't deal with this right now." She picks up her laptop and heads briskly for
her office down the hall.

if we wanr to call it that, is rh;style is. And perhaps more rn-.: stand it, either. Both of them
...

to look closely only at Chian:. Chiana is not purposeli- i:


she's

doing what she knou.s

L-e.r

Later that evening, Carios puts finishing touches on the dinner he's cooked. He cails for Chiana, but there's no response. So he approaches her
office and opens the door. Chiana, her back turned, barks, "Not nowl" Knowing she hates to be disturbed, Carlos stays in the doorway. "Don't you want the dinner I made for us?" There's a long silence, during which Carlos grows increasingly irritated.

is Carlos. First and foremosr.


reactions have a basis in her

i.r-.

fo move toward and ar.l ar' l;. rhe kind of response she an, r-. vous system. These part.rr.. :'
merely following suit non-. Chiana's anger at her hu.:

"Chianal" he
any closer.

says sharply,

trying to get her attention, but afraid of stepping

In

defense, she shrugs antl s:'.

same?" Let's look at hou' Ci-,1.r:

"'What do you want?" she screams, turning and slapping her hands hard on her legs. "I told you, not nowl" She pivots back to her computer.
Carlos sighs deeply. "So, when can I expect you?"
"I'11 be

island, and what this nrean.

r
,.

Chiana was an only chii: her parents were workrng pr, :over their daughter. Chiar-ra

there as soon as I can. Fifteen minutes, okay?

;.

\With that, Carlos leaves. But he's back twenty minutes later. Chiana, still working fervently, senses his presence. "That wasn't fifteen
minutes," she snaps.

ciaily touchy-feely. Her forcr

..

recall either coming to her ri i-,;: to recall ioving moments calr:-:

parents, who she strongh' be1r.

56

LS

Aeqt '11e raUV 'raq ro; peler pue pe^ol se^arleq '(18uons eqs og^\ 'stuared rag SurLe;leq sr eqs sleej egS 'frelxue uerrl] sesnec s]ueurour 8ur.to1 llerer ol Lrrlqeur ra11 'rq8ru t tno pel1r ro perro
eqs uar{^\

req ot Sururor reqtre ilereJ

ueaurJ l.usE.u leq1., 'ecuesa:d

'lelBI sJlnurlu .\ lu).


2,(e1o

t(uBJ erls lng 'raq ot pnole pear saurteuros stuared reg 'dlee;-dq3no1 {1en -edsa tou tnq turl]rrq sB reqtour raq soqrrJsep ueqC 'letr.[8nep Jraq] lalo grte^n ot ,(uueu e pedoldue daqr pue 'sleuorssa;ord 8ur>pom ere.t stuared ;eq

,setn.

(.lno.\

ll

'relndruoc req ot

ItE

plerl spuq req Surddels pue F


Surddals Jo plege tnq 'uonuar: 'palelrJJr Ll8urseerour s.uolE sa,

rltog Lg auru;o leep poo8 e tuads orl^A plrqo ,(1uo ue s.{\ EuBrrlC Jlesreq 'solrBO glur drqsuonelar req roJ sueaul sltlt tetl.{\ pue 'puelst u aureceq ot rerl pe] Lrolsrq drqsuoueler s.EuerrlC te >lool s.ta-I ..lerues ^\oq aqt op uortrsod ,{ul ur ,(poq,{ue t{uplnol6,, 's.(es pue sEnrqs aqs 'esua;ap u1 'pegrrsn! {1n; 'pupu raq ur 'sr uorsnrtur s(pueqsnq raq te re8ue s(euBIqC
'A\ou trns 3urmo11o; Llereru

sr aqs la8e Lpea

Lrel e uorJ erer{l uaaq

eABi{ surelted

esaql 'tuals.{s sno,t

l,uoq,, 'Ae,tr:oop rr,lJ ur s\El: i


..'t

4au rer{ otur tllnq sI sreqto ruor; Sunla8 seledtcrlue atls asuodser Jo putl eql
tnoqe pue 's;egto leu8rs ol ,r\oq tnoge 'srarlto ruor; Le,tte pue pre^{ot alour ol tnoqe Surpuelsrepun .ra11 'dnaleru lecrslgd req ur siseq e e^q suol]Jeer ^\oq

reg seqceordde aq og'asuoisa.


s,eq

pue suortr s.euerqC teqt azrleal ot peou e.n 'tsoutero; pue tsrr1 'solJeC sr t.r\ oqt dq'os puy'acuar.radxa u,^d.o Jer{ urog tsaq s^\ou{ aqs teq^\ Europ s,aqs

leuurp eql uo sarl)nnl :

trertuoc aqt alrnf 'e8errletu Jerl urnr ot SurIJt Llesodrnd tou sr EUeIqC

pue eurlpeep

ro; .!1suq speerl pue dotdel ra, to8 a^,1 'retP] r:


E
,.

ui-a

'uEIqC le [po Alesolc ]ool ol Suro8 er,a.tr 'a1es s,l,trorldurrs roJ lng 'spuelsr eJE ruoqt Jo qtog 'rerltra 'lr puets solle] 'ef,uetsur srql ur.{puelrodrur e;our sdeqred puy 'sr alLrs -rapun tiusaop drqsuoueler req ter[.{\ pue]srapun tpsaop eqs teqt sr'ler{t tr ot tuB.{\ e^\Jl IIBJ 'puelsr 'arnteu tou
uB sr egs req Jo eprstno 8urr1l.(ue Surop 'ruelqord ureur laH s,aqs :lq8rerls Surqtauos ta8 s,tal 'euelqC aBpnl or dunf noL aro;aq '.tto51

nod plor I JI 'tl noi ^\ou>l

r::
-

Jo lno ur.I esnBJeq xes otui


,,',(snq L1to.1 tl.:

,,;FurLes e;,noi teq-ri t: ,{tu s,:1 ,xas Surneq tou lor :r'J -

I]ESAW

II

OC NVf

'rurq purqaq roop eqt Sururtuels 'se,tee1 eH ({ieJaq Jo tno ui.I 'reuulP u.r,ro rnod eIBt\ laurc,, 'stuelar solr3 l]Jo-erBts JerJq E reuv
,,1eru Sur8etoqes

sn14 dsnq os er(a.{\ tsnl s,r1.. i:: IJO,{ UIOIJ euroq eruor e-\,,\ar_-_ :sIqt alll oE or u-:.

daal no.{ lnq 'lnJssecJns eg ot etu 1ue,tr nod

des no1,, 'sruBelcs pue 'punoJe surnl '1sap req otuo oirJ E sruBIS BuEn{C 'sleDnur aq ((le>lBt ot pesoddns I ule srqt Jo rlrnw ,tro11,, 'Sursrl sr uorlelrJJr srq tng 'aleel ol

surnl ure8e solJEO 'pelBUaC 'sJelunof, atls ,,'luse.t\ lI oN,,


se.ld

lou se,^d. Jor^Bi{eg srq 'sseull}u,_-'ulooJ eIIl ssorcB urorl su.-:-l paceidar se,lr, drtlsunol Eur:r,: er{J 'srruE^pe slLI 3uu:>.:.r lnq 'xJs Suttetltur Su;nl Eurr.'
xes

[1uieo

sLes

sope3 ,,'.{]ua.ll

ll

'lJeJJof, eJ(no1,

ur lseJelur s,euBtrl] :u::

urNfxvd uno1\ MoN)

WIRED FOR LOVE


always gave her what she needed, she tells herself. She has happy family pho' tos to prove
closeness

ofa couple bubble,

t.

itl

ness are obscured by the drear

In fact, there is nothing wrong with Chiana's memory. She can recall, for example, feeling hurt as a reenager by her father's disapproval. She has a vivid
memory of being afraid her mother was angry at her as they were leaving a toy store. These events did happen, and they were pivotal determinants of her

Islands tend to experien. anchors. This is due to their

significant others,

as

well

as

ir

anchors may feel shy, islands c'

current relationship style. Her lack of positive memories simply reflects the dearth of positive events in her early home life.
nutshell, we can say that the sum total of her experiences-the posi' tive and the negative; those she can recall and those she cannot-shaped Chiana into an island. Because her mo,ther rarely sought physical contact,

In

Chiana learned it was better not to look to others for affection. Instead, she focused on taking care of herself. As a single adult, she had no difficulty inter'
acting with other adults. People saw her as smart and creative, and she developed a wide circle of friends who shared her interests.

a partner. Especiaily if their their need for distance mav re simply through their high to1 example, when Carlos is au'a relief at the absence of interp loss or of being left. If toleratir
else.

tr

breath underwater, islands cou Isiands tend to look tou'ai

When Chiana married Carlos, however, he became the home she experi' enced in childhood. She does not expect frequent interactions with him, including sexual intimacy. Although she enjoys his company, she finds it hard to shift out of her alone time. His bids for attention often feei jarring, as if he were trying to make her do something against her will. She tends to resist until he has coaxed her to come closer and engage with him. Once this shift
is made, she adjusts and enjoys being with him. However, when left alone for even a few minutes, she again becomes absorbed in her private world. As an island, Chiana believes her alone time is a choice and a preference. She is unaware it's a consequence of her need to depend and connect having been met with unresponsiveness, dismissiveness, and insensitivity when she was an infant. People who are islands often confuse independence and auton-

tionship conflicts or past relar

mantra is "That's the past," u'ir

be pointless. In point of fact. is

are unable to call up specitic.


include "l don'r remember." "I:

tendency can become extreme \Without the help of their they are, recognize their deep-,

come their anxiety abour inr' what they've experienced. In social world, they need to be
who will make the efforr ro nr it's impossibie for two island.

omy with their adaptation to neglect. As we saw in chapter 1, in order to achieve true autonomy, it is necessary to first experience being loved by and taken care ofby another person. I want to reiterate: there is nothing inherently wrong with being an island. Merely conjuring up the image of lounging on a lush tropical island is
enough for many people to feel a rush of endorphins'

without some form of help,

rhe

ExTRcISE:
Do you rec0gnize yOutself anc

In the context of

couple's relationship, however, difficulties can arise if one or both partners are

addicted to alone time, especially if they don't know it. Instead of seeking the

Here are some statements ihal for you-either for yourself or \

58

6S

JsutJpd Jn0^ J0 ll0sJn0^ J0I .t0Lllt0-n0^ J0J 'pur?lsr uu lleq u FurJ ,{uu yr eeg 1o ;ucld,{1 aJu terll sluouloluts outos oJ? oJaH
dJPj Snql u0rssncsrp Jn0 uOJJ raul.rud rno,{ ro/pue 1;es;no,{ azluFoce; no,{ o6

aql Surlaes yo petsul 'tl

ere srautred qtog Jo auo Jr esrlE


B Jo txeluoJ erlt uI 'sulqdropu sr puEISr pcrdon qsnl e uo SurEr ue Suraq qtr,l Buor,,ir {tua:aq

^\ouI

ccNVlSI NY nOA lUV :flSIfU:IXI


'11

tsure8e erE sppo egt 'd1aq;o urroJ auros tnorltr^\


spuBISr oru,t roJ alqlssoduu s,t1

pue ,{q parol Sureq ecuauadxa

rng 'olqqnq eldnoc elerc 'eldurexe ro; 'ot

ol

JepJo

ur '1 reldeqc ur

A\ES

-uotne pue eruepuodepur asn1u,


er{s ueq.l.r .{tlrutrsuesut puE'sse'

des ot t,usr srqJ 'llit uieqt selru terl.,lr tno purJ ot troJJe eqt e>lru ilr^\ oq.^A sreutred paeu [eq1 'Surpuetsrapun q]L{\ taur eq ot peeu leql 'ppoan lercos ot repJo uI 'pacuar,redxe an,[eq]

erour E otul

PUE sPuE]sr rreql JJo dels

teqarr

Suraeq tceuuoJ pue puedap or 'ecuara;erd B puB e3roq3 e sl ari-i 'plro. a ote^rJd raq ur pa

Lluo .uou>1 Latp '11e rer;y 'drqsuonelal etEuruur tnoqe dtarxue rreqt euoi) -;ea.o Llaterurtln ro 'ssaurleuol IBrtuetsrxa palees-daap lerlt ezruSocar 'ere Laql
oq.&\

puetsrapun or Lle4tun oJe spue]sr ';autled naql Jo dlaq eql tnorllll6 'reutred rerlto eqt ro; Surtertsnr; Lletuerlxa autoceg uer dcuepual

loj euoie Uel


tsrseJ

ueq^d 'lena,ro1-1 r

sIqJ'uo os pue {(lseJJ or14y,, ,,'Jel}Bru l(useop lL, ,,'JoqrueureJ l(uop L, apnlcul s]lBtep tnoqe pa>lse uoq^\ suruljler uouuroC 'scr;rceds dn 11ee ot alqeun ere
pue rsed rrerlt ezruourep ro aztleepr uago spuelsr 'loe;;o lutod u1 'ssellurod aq p1no.u d;orsrq Surqseqer leql uouecrldurr eqt qtl^\ (((tsed eqt s(teql, sr EJluur

r;lqs srtlt of,uo'Lulq qttm aEr.=: ot sPuet eqs 'lll.r r0rl rsr
aqJr sB '8urue[ Iee] ueryo uonu: prBr{ tl spurJ eqs 'dueduoc sn1 s.

'ullq

qlL4A

suollfralur luan-c.'.

rreril 'pooqpllt[c ur esoqr Surpnlcur 'sdrqsuoueler tsed ro s]f,rl;uoJ drqsuon -e1er tuesard re 3ur1oo1 plo^B pue arntnJ eqt pre.^Aot >lool ot puet spuisl
'esle

-uadxa aqs euloq eql eurElaq a 1e^ep aqs pue 'e.r.rtea;c puE
'slselat j tl:

4atu]

ou pBq oqs 'tlnp

^tlncuJlp aqs 'peelsul 'uorlJej; ro-] srarl.

'lf,Bruof 1errs,{qd :t18nos .r1a:r: padeqs-louuec eqs asorlt Fu


-rsod

aql-secueuedxa rtlj jo

:
ogt stf,egal dldruls
serrouroLu : Jaq Jo sluEululloleP 1elo,\Id a:

dpoq.fue ueql :e8uo1 qlnur qteerq rraqr ploq p]nof, spuelsr 'ret^uepun qtealg s,auo Surploq ol elgeredruof, era,u ouole ount Surrerelol 71 'r;a1 Suraq;o lo sso1 Jo sseueJe.\\ reL[ ueq] ralear8 sr sserls leuosrad.ratul Jo ef,uesqe eqt ]B Jerlal roH 'ssol e laal t(useop EuBrrlJ 'sseursnq uo [e.,ne sr solrO ueqm 'aldruexe roC 'raqtoue ouo urorJ lrede Suieq roJ ef,uerelot q8rq laqr q8nonp Lldrurs ratsesrp trnor uer spuBISr o^r1'Jo]sESrp ur tlnseJ deru aruetsrp roJ peeu rroql Leu spue]sr 'puelsr rorlloue lou sr rauued -lreql ;r dlelcedsE .reutred e reey Lq suorsn.rtur pe.r.recred ot elrtrsues,!ra.ro eq uBc spuelsr tqs 1aa; Leur sroqcue seeJermN 'lereue8 ur suorlenlrs Iercos ur sE IIaA\ se ,s.raqlo lue:r;ruFrs
Jo
seAE.AA

[o]

e 8uu,ea1 arazrr deq] sE rar{ rE

raqt Jo eouasa;d oqt ur tBanlt Jo osues raq8q rreql ot anp $ sn{I 'sroqrue Jo sele,t\ op uer.[] sserls leuosJedrelui eJoru aJuerrodxe ol pual spuEISI 'erurt auo]e Sulrnp pateraue8 etets e)il]rueerp aql dq pernrsqo er ssau
-lauol Jo s8uqaag
'11

Pl^l^ B sBq aqs 'lezrorddesrp s.:: ro; '11ecer ur ar{S 'dlotueru s.e
-oqd [1pre;.(ddeq seq eqs ']ias

spro^e .rauued pelorppe eqt '|elqqnq eldnoc

Jo sseueso]i)

ulNruvd )rno^

^^oN)

WIRED FOR LOVE

ry ry ry I
W

''[ know how to take care of myself


could."

better than anyone else

husband who misses them d

Jaden says with a perplexed lc "But you call me all the ti

"l'm a do-it-myself kittd of person."

that

suggests he's clueless.

"]

"l thrive when I can spend time in my Own private sanctuary."


"lf you upset me, I have to be by myself t0 calm down."

me so much, why do you com

"I.

"l often feel my partner wants or needs something from me thal


I can't give."

don't. . . You thin Kaylee looks at him as it "You're right," he admits


..I

kids out of control and the

hc-.

feels like you're just ignonng

w
W

"l'm most relaxed when nobody else is around."

"That's not true," Kavlee yell at me. If I say somethins

"l'm low mainlenance, and I prefer a partner who also is low


maintenance."

"l

don't say anything nri


,

mean person. You must be tal

admitted it. I'm the opposrtc

spend time with you at nighr. me. And you never say anvth

THE WAVE:

..IF

Kaylee, looking exasperar

ONLYYOU LOVED ME

remember the nice things I

sa

LTrr t

LOVE YOU.,,

don't mean it. Really, Jaden, u

just me; if either of the bor


and take it personally."

s I'

Now let's meet another couple. Married for seventeen years, Jaden and Kaylee had two small children and lived in a modest two'bedroom house in the suburbs. Kaylee was a stay-at-home mom, and Jaden worked a nine'to'five job'
'When they finally sought therapy for their problems, Kaylee complained

Jaden responds by throu'

arms above his head, with his

stood. I'rn not the bad guv.


occasion, like our anniversan,

that Jaden was often angry about everything: "He's angry with me, he's angry with the kids, he's angry with his boss . . . it's like nothing we do is enough, and I'm getting sick and tired of having to deal with his temper tantrums." Jaden thought Kaylee was not acknowledging his reasons for feeling
angry and upset. Unable to sit quietly and listen to her even for a few moments at a time, he expressed himself with grunts and groans and facial expressions

take the initiative? You don'r


his fingers, "you don't knou'',,

don't even want to have sex ,,

Kaylee looks down at the

"l know. You've


aren't you?" head shaking.

aln'ars

i.
.

ofshock and surprise,

\7hy dont you leave me.

ii

Their dialogue in couples therapy would go like this:

"I look forward to seeing you all day, but I don't think you even miss me at all. I call or text message, and you don't respond. It's like I'm bugging you or something. Do you know how many wives would give their right arm for a

Kaylee continues to locr

60

19

'8ur4eqs peag Jaq pue paploJ surre raq qtL A ,nou

tng 'uarop 1oo1 ot sanunuoc aa1.{ey

roJ urJE lq8u leql e.u8 plno-t noL BuiSSnq tu,I o{ll s,t1 'puods: our ssrur ue,ra nod l.uop ] lurrl] :sll.1] JIll ob

'elqnort r{Jmu oot

,,;noL l,uare nod;r'aru a.r.ee1 nod luop dq4, 'atu perueul no,{ L-rros er,notr lerll 2de,tr IaaJ al(notr ..r\ou{ L,
Le.,rr

lsnl tu,l 'e1qlssodurl ru.I tle;

s.{e.tr1e

suorssardxe slueurour

IEToEJ

pue sueor8 p
ua^e raq ot
LI

,,'elqrssodtur er(no ,, 's.(es pue JooU er{l tE u^aop u1oo1 eelde;1

A\eJ e JoJ

8ur1aa; JoJ suoseeJ

nq

SurEp:1

.('srunrluBl reduet srq qlr.\\ Irl


't18noua sr op
a,^a

Surqrou

all

dr8ue s,aq 'eur rllr^\ lr8ue

s,e11..

paurelduroc ee.1Ley 'srualqo;d -u 'gof e.u;-ol.auru e pa)iJo,r ua


-qns eql ur asnoq uroorPsq-o-\\l

eelLey pue uepef'sree,{ uee]ua.r

lrw a:r^of

roJ eurrt a^Eq t(uop

.(ia1es sseupoo8 ro; 'aru qlJA\ xas aAEq o] luEA,\ uele l(uop nod 'ees s(la'I " ",{epqrlq dru ,ro; atu le8 ol lerl,4d, .,rdou>I l,uop noL,, 'sre8ug srq uo Surtunoc suels er{ ,,'Leg s,laqteC JequtolueJ t(uop no lelrtertrur eql e{l re^a plnoc noL lurqr nod oq 2rr ueld ot e^Bg 1 t;esre,Lruu rno oIII 'uorserlo letceds B s.erer{t arurt [rerla ]Eqt ^\ou>l noL oq ',(nF peq aqt tou ru I 'poots -Japunsllu 'sueneaq egr Surce; serta srq rllr^\ 'peorl srq e^oqe surJe d11eer L, lae; srq Surssot pue utq tuor; ur tno s8a1 srq Suurrorql dq spuodser uepe[ Jo ,,'dlleuosrad t| elel pus snorrnJ auof,aq noL 'noL ot uonuen ot sllJ sdog egr;o Joqtla JI leur tsnf ^ed tou s.tl puy'no,( reeu aq ot tu.r\ lou our saleru tI 'uepef tl1eeg ']l ueur t(uop nod rg 'des 1 s8urqr arru aqt requreureJ 1 Les pue are; lru ur {ceq tueq] ^\ollt rpop tsnl no1,, 's.{ES pue r{]erg daap e selet 'pateredsexe 3ur1oo1 'ae1.&;1 (('eru ol ecru Sutqllue Les la,l,au nol, puy 'aru nol e{}l 'dsnq sLe.ule er,noL '1gBru le noL q]r.l arurl puads

ot ISB ro oqt Suunp nod 11ec I uarllN 'plocJo elsoddo eqt tu(I 'iI peltltupe ^ep a.r,nol, pue 'p1oc aq UBJ no1 3lasrnod rnoqe 3ur11et eq tsnur no1 'uosrad ueatu

e Jou ur(L, Jlesurq Surpue;ep (slrolal

er1 ,,'ueeru

8u[pdue [es ],uop

1,,

MOl sr OslB OLIM JeulJPd

(.'uJnlal ur uBeru Surqlatuos des nod 'ecru Sunlleruos des 1;1 'aur re gaL

lsnl noL pue 'noL o] ouroc I ueUO,, 'stdnue]ur ae1[e;q ,,'enJ] lou s(lerlJD
t1

,,'pun0"lP !t

,,'eru Surlou8r lsnf eJ(no^ e1n slee; pue 'ryo,vr ruor; petsneqxa ru,1 '[e;res]p uI esnoq eq] pue IoJtuof, Jo 1no spl{

l3r.ll

0u

ruOJj FurqlaLU0s sri

,,'uM0p tillPc 0l

lli(
'

.'dpns ru,1

eqt ees ueq.^d d;8ue la8 op 'atnurur E JoUB stnupe aq ,,'tq8u er.no; I L, 'li tnoq ot rutq Suncadxe sB rulq tE slool aa1[e;1 {uqt JI .. ... Iurqt t,uop 1,, 'sq8nel e11 ,,2Lpns tu.I luqt no1 'tpop I L,

..',{tenlluus dlP\rJd u\\o

arntsa8

,qcmu os eru ,,2dpns pue JJo pesstd os euroq eurof, noL op ,(r1,tr ssru nol;1 puy 'no[ ssrur o] ecuerlt e ta8 t,uop L, 'sselenlr s,aq slseS8ns leqt ur pouepr,4n seLa 'spuodsar aalLey (.ieurrl eqt IIB etu IIc noL lng,,
B

'arEJ srq uo 1ool paxeld;ad B qtr.t\ sLes uapef {.ltceuuoc ot stue.,!\ dilea; oq.la. '^Bp eqt Suunp ueq} sessru oq^\ pueqsnq

0sla 0u0^uE uurll J0llocl

:l

ulNrdvd uno1\

^^oN)

WIRED FOR LOVE

I CAN'T DO IT WITH

ON WITHOUT YOU.

supremely aware of having be

feels ripped

ofl

both then .

Now, before you get angry at Jaden, remember he's not really doing anything wrong. As with Chiana, his reaction to his partner is quite reasonable when you consider that it's based on his experience not just with her, but with

affection, particularlv frc,n-r

him. But he tends to focus


she was too anxious to deal

:,

.;

his earliest caregivers. In fact, both Chiana's and Jaden's insecurity preceded their current relationships. In other words, they both came to the table this
way, even if they don't realize it. Jaden responds as he does because he is a wave. Ocean waves don't provide any sense ofsteadiness or security. They cause a perpetual disturbance of

life to deal with his needs. la:


to fights between his parenr..

at a hotel, his morher

cn.:

night. He was only seven vc-1

In contrast with Chi.-:.,

the water-always going up and down, up and down. From the vantage point of the shore, waves come rushing in, only to immediately rush back out again. It's as if they can't make up their mind where they belong. In the case of part' ners, it's the wave who causes disturbance in the relationship by becoming preoccupied with fear, anger, and ambivalence about being close. They can't fully move forward because they are still caught up with past injuries and injustices. These thoughts and emotions ebb and flow like literal waves. If both members of the couple are waves, there can be even more tur-

especially his parents. He l-,

cuddling. He loved to rai< . ass." lt's not as if he n-rade :1-,:,


Jaden renrembers Ji.likir'-ents sometimes left I'Lim ,,'.'r:i. sleepovers that took l'Lim a,i Jaden

-.

moil-a

both partners alternate between being close and being standoffish. So, if you are a wave, or in a relationship with one, prepare for a certain amount of high drama. Unlike islands, who are likely to do a disappearing act when the going gets tough, waves respond by, well . . . continual tug of war,
as

truly does n..i -l:-.. reunites with Kai'Lce ,::ti: :much as it bothers her. "l reaily miss her .n: '.
ine us cuddljng anJ h .r -:'.and something comes i-',::

:-'

making waves.
Jaden's ambivalence stems from the fact that he both wants to connect

and is afraid of connecting. He alternates between feeling wanted and rejected. He thinks it's only a matter of time before Kaylee will reject him, so
he holds back from feeling good, hopeful, relieved, and comforted. As Jaden puts it, "Better to reject before being rejected, better to leave before being

don't know wh1. Sh.'i ., believe her. And r-er I il .,.' , me to fix the leakr rau.:- . about what she': rcalh . . ..
. .

I really am a pain in ri
Whereas Chran.
ashamed if she

. ,,. :.r -,
.

left." He comes in close to his partneE hoping for connection, then quickly pulls back, anticipating disappointment. This moving in, then pulling back is
the sign of a wave. The fact that Kayiee is an island-did you notice?-and therefore naturally pulls away in times of stress only serves to accentuate
Jaden's tendencies.

realr:s-:-

beli.rr: r.: .. dropped, aband.,rr.J. ; : ates that reaction in hr. :.,-'.


However, he
on her until she pushes b-::..

Unlike Chiana, Jaden remembers his childhood very well and remains '\fhile Chiana idealizes her past angry at his parents, as if time has stood still.
and is unaware of having been on the receiving end of any injustice, Jaden is

r. . refuses to lo. k r :., Jaden remains preoccupicJ '.'. r:


Chiana refuse.

62

t9
esnefoq
e^our l(uorA eH 'slcruuoJ lualJnc qlrl!\ perdnJroeJd surBruer

PJB,^AJOJ

u uapef 'ecr]snlur due;o pua 3u


tsed raq saalepJ uerr{O

allqA

pue tsBd eqt uo Sursnco; {cnts sr aloJaJeqt pue 'p.ru.uro; >lool oi sesn;ar uapef 'stcruuol tuerlnf, qrrm Surteep splo^ pue {ceq Tool ot sesnJer euen{C '1ceq seqsnd eqs ]rtun JarI uo
saqsnd aH 'Att.r.rle8au pue ra8ue srq g8norgi rautred srq ur uortreeJ

sureureJ pue IIa^d lrerr poogppr

terll

sate

pue-iecrlou
sr

alenlueooe ol selJes Lluo ssa:r prp-puelsr


no.{

-eJJ eL[ ]eql 8uorls os sr uorledrcltue srql 'paqsrund ro 'peuopueqe 'peddorp Buraq seledrcrtuE pue 'euo.(ue roJ qJnru ool sl ag se^arleq ari 're.remo11 'puedap ot peeu srrlJo are^Ae sr uepef'sr eqs [peau,&\or{ pazrlar eqsJ] patueqse

{f,Eq 8uqlnd ueql 'ur 8ur.r.oru

uapef

,(11:rnb uoql 'uonf,auuol lol 6r Sureq eroyaq e^eel ot rauaq 'ir sy 'pe]JoJluoc pue 'pa-\ai os 'unq 1calar

IeeJ plno.&\ pue euoeuros uo puedap ot paeu rell seluep BuBrqO seererlrN 'srBet Surtp; sede 's,(es aq ,,'ssB atlt ut uted e rue L11ea.r 1 qlr^a aut spuiJ aqg 'Surtae; L1pe; s,ags ]Brl^\ tnoqE

'.trou1 noL 'ure

puy '8urlouue

lim

eelAe;1 a:o1a;.

pue petue^d Sultaa; uee^\laq


tJeuuoc ot stuE.4 r{toq erl tEqr

perrro,^d. ru.I tnq 'raq llnsur ot puetur I e{lJ tou s.tl ('terneJ ,(1ee1 eqr xrJ ot olu peau nod asnec, pe13 tsnl er,notr, 'a111 Surgteuros [es 11,1 ra.( puy ']oq a^erleq

''
ol

' Ila^r 'Aq puodsa: sa^E.\\


{a>11i ore oq^\ 'spuelsr

'rl::

II,I pue ,'eurog er,noL pel8 ru,L 'a{ll Surqtetuos ,(es 11,eqg ',{q,r ,nou1 luop 'aul re^o sautoo Sutqteulos pue 1 lng Surumorp ur.I e{l1 'Lr8ue dltuelsur IOaJ I 'atuog etuoo I ueqt tng 'reqleSol Surue,Le teer8 e 8ur.r.eq pue Surlppnc sn aur
-8erur
1,,

oIIIU-

's,{es eg ,,'uBdB

eJ.e^A ueq,ln, Jaq tnoqe {ulljt

pue ler{ ssrur L11ear 1,, 'req srorltoq tr sB qJnur

asoyc Suraq

'euo qtrm dlqsuolreler E ur ro uaal(teg eteur3tiE .

sB

urrq sesnJuoJ uortJer srg 'trede uaeq a.t,.{eqt ra}B eei^B) r{tr^\ setruner

aq re^euaq,&\ ra8ue qtr.tr streol aq .(q.tr puers:epun tou seop ,!nrr uapef 'stuered srrl pue auoq tuoU Le.,ue rurq {ool tqt sra,Lodeels peterl aH 'sseltslp le er8 rurq Sursnec 'rellrstrqeq e qtr^\ urrq Uel saurteuros stua -red stpl 'pa.rou8r ro r;a1 Sureg se.tr .lasuelur tsour Sur4tsrp s,ragruaurer uapef

-Jnl eJoru ue^e eq UBJ eleqt 's 'saAE.,!\ IBrelII a{ll 1\o! Fu: pue saunlur lsed qtrm dn rqii., luec Laql 'aso1o Surag tnoq? : Suruoceq Lq drqsuorrelol a'.lt -r.red;o JsBJ aqt u1 '3uo14.1 r.:'ure8e tno >lleq qsnr {aterpa-.u-.:

lerllN 'rlrrq ot rirnur se perldurr stue:ed qiog 'dn srqt epEru er{Jl sE tou s(tl (('sse etlt ut ured e,, Sureq se.r\ eq tloJ uol;o aq qrnru os llet ol pe^ol eg '8ur1ppnc eruu Surpueds pe{l1 eH 'stuared srg Lllercedsa pue 'setue8 8uile1d
'3ur>11e1

turod a8elue^ eqt uror{ 'u-\\oF


Jo arueqJntslp lentadrad asn: -o.rd rpop sale.r{ uealo 'a-\E.r'! :

'sraqto rltra Surtceratur panle^

s.{em1e

uepef 'euerg3 Ltr]^\ tsertuoJ uI


'p1o sreed ue.tas Lluo sem

ag 'tq8ru

egr q8norqr req qtr^\ Lets ol uepef pe4se pue parrf, req]our srq 'letoq E tB
srr.ll JlqBl eql

ol eluEr rlloq \e-

palers pue esnoq arlt Uel raqte; srq ueq,{\ 'aoug 'stueled srq uee,rlaq srqBr; ol pol qlrrl.a\ 'algepe.reun sen Lltuenbe5 JaqteJ s,uapef 'speau srq qtr.r\ 1eep ot eJll u^\o Jaq qlrm pardnccoard oot pue 'sreel

pepacerd dtuncesur s,uapef Fur


qt1^d

sq

L[]ra\ Ieap ot snorxue oot s^\ eqs

tnq 'rorl qli^A tsnl tou a:ua:

alqeuosBer atrnb sr rautred srq -due Surop d11ear rou s{eLI -req'!u:

'ueq1 'rurq qtr^\ petertsn$ se,r arls serun aql uo snooJ ot spuet eq tng .urq pe{Jor pue 'p1eq 'pessr>1 ue}o oq^\ 'reqtoru srq uro4 d1:elncued (uoureJJe
Jo .{rueld pelreoer eg 'euerq3

eljlun ',rnou pue uerp qtoq }o


ruDlr^

paddu qea;
,laurerdns

ep1 'dtr.Lursuasur puB ssauqsrJlasJo

eL[] ueeq 8ur.r,er1;o ere.ue

'no^ rnoHriM

urNruvd uno1\

^^oN)

WIRED FOR LOVE


he feels he hasn't resolved current and past injustices and insensitivities, nor

? ? ? ? ? ?

"l

often feel as

thoLrr

received assurance that rejection or abandonment will never again occur.


Jaden's insecurity can appear bottomless, and his need for frequent contact and reassurance can appear unreasonable to his partner. But neither of these is really true. Jaden's issues probably are being maintained because both

anything back."

"l thrive on talking

to

"lf you upset me, I ha


"N4y

he and Kaylee have a misperception about relationships. They have not created a couple bubble, and they don't have an agreement to put their relation-

partner tends

to

Kaylee overcame her island tendencies and cheerfully made herself available to Jaden during the day, understanding that contact with him served her, as well, Jaden's need to check and recheck her availability ship first.
would subside. If Jaden cheerfully respected Kaylee's need to get off the phone quickly, her anxiety about feeling "trapped" or "set up" would diminish. This

If

"l'm most relaxed \\h

"Love relationships ar
You can never

realll

mutual sensitivity would ease Jaden's perception that their time apart was a precursor to abandonment, and alleviate Kaylee's perception that she must
constantly babysit Jaden so he feels secure.

To bring healing to their relationship, Kaylee would have to experiment with something counterintuitive. Instead of pulling away, she would have to
move physically and emotionally forward and douse Jaden with messages such as "I'm so glad to see you" or "l missed you so much" or "Come here' you

A&tgesSADoRS (
assume, from what youlve reaJ

\Whatever your style-anchor

grouch, and give your girl a big kiss." Of course, this is easier said than done, and most partners like Kaylee would balk at such a suggestion. Nonetheless,

to maintain harmony betu'een

tion. However,

as

I menrir,nc-'
ass

if your partner is a wave, this is the best way to overcome childhood injuries and shift him or her quickly from feeling threatened to feeiing loved. When
this happens, you benefit,
as

ben'evolent intentions, an-ik

the ambassadors can go u'r1cexceptions.

well.

Jaden also must do something different. He must come back to Kaylee as soon as he realizes he's been negative or hostile, and apologize.

Anchors tend to hale the


dors that can corral the n-ar -,-,

In these ways, they can repair the breach in their relationship and stop
pushing each other away.

sion that some of their amba.,

EXERCISE: ANE YOU A WAVE?


Do you think you and/or your partner might be a waveP Here are some typical

rhe other hand, often grar: During times of distress, islan. have an ineffectual orbitotrc: recall, is the ruler of ambass:.
son, islands and waves are nia:

cortex, ultimately, that deten-,

statements; see if they apply t0 y0ur 0r t0 y0ur partner:

"l take better care 0f others than I do of myself."

wild or otherwise fail to ro. r:-

64

s9

'auri eqt aot ot IlBj asr^\raqlo ro pl]^\


te8 sropesseqrue rlarlt JI rc.{r ot EuroE Jo >lsrr l aroru ere seAE^\ pue spulsr 'uos -Eer srqt JoC 'Je,^A ot oB e,u tou ro rorlteq.r seururletap terlt '^leleturlin 'xa1ss3
IB]UOUO]Iq]O INO S.1I

,,']los,'iul

10

:JOUUPTl

lucrd^l ouOs OJu

QJOH

de\P\\

'EIII

SO^I]IUITTd PUC SJOPESSBqUIB JO JAINJ

EqI

ST

.11CCET

III^\ no^ 'xet.rof, letuo.rJotrgJo eql 'xellor leluogotlglo lentJelJeut uB e^q qtoq :uoruruoc ur Surgt auo e^Eq seAB.&\ pue spuelsr 'ssartsrp;o sarurl Suunq
'senuedsrp ropESSEqurB snorres erour qtr^d eldder8 uego 'pueq reqto eql uo 'selB.r\ pue spuEISI ',!4crnb iDerd seuo pre.Lrde,tr er{t Ierror uE3 lBr{t srop
-Essequre rerllo ssessod srorlJue oB sropBSSBqurE rrer{t auros }Eqt uors 'pll.n Jo -Blco ore-r eqt uo 'sloPBssequlB er{l e^eq ot sJoqruv tsottl PelulEq Puat 'suorldacxe

zlnYAvn
dols pue drqsuonela; Jror{r u:
'aa8o1ode pue
se aa1[e11 o] TrEq aulor rsnr.u

'r :

ou 'sn;o IIB

ur-pxe^\

ureld lsnf .io ddurr,rt

ro-pli^\

oB

uec sropesseque erll

ueql6, 'peno1 8ur1ee; or p::::1:


seunfur pooqplrqc ouro3]3,.,tr
--

:enJl s(ll 'serun l snorxouqo alrnb eg uec sJopessequre 'suorluelur luolonaueq pue serlrlenb poo8 rierlr elrdsep 'Z ralderlc ur pauortueur 1 se 're.Lano11 'uorl -dtunsse poo8 e sr srgt 'tred tsotu eqt rog 'no[ uae.r\]eg .{uouueq uretureur ol sJopessque rno,{ uo lunoJ UBJ nod leql 'JBJ os pear a,r,,no[ leq,n ruor; 'erunsse detu reulred rnod pue n6d-3,1s^d ro 'puelsr 'roqcue-eil,ls rnol, re.taleylN

qrns se8essatu qltm

'ssa1aglauo51 'uortsa8Fns r u::, 'euop uql pls Jersco sr srL.. ': nol, ouloC,, lo (,qfnui ta 'araq uapei::-'

(IfIAA :INOD S)IOCYSSYflWY

ot e^Eq

p[no,,$ eqs 'Ae rre :

::"

tuetur.redxe ot e^Eq plnLr.\,,

:::'

tsnur JLIs teqr uortdar.taj ,.;.:' e sem lrede aurrl Jrer{l rEu- -*-

srrll'qsrururlp plnor\ ,.Jn ::;


euoqd eqr lJo te8 or paau s.::t
'

Fu,s nuqxa

uu au nu rod'dl'J;i

:LlTl'li fril J;ffi f

ilT
^n,,

,,'spu0rJJ ,{Lu punoru r.u,l uor..lM poxulal ls0rx

ru,l,, A

drlllqeilu.te ral{ {ceqrar r.u: rr ql]^\ llEluoc legl Sutpuel.:::


eperu d11n;reeqJ puE sarri?:' -uollBleJ leql lnd ol ]uel'*;;:.= -erf lou e,leq ,(aq1 'sdrqi:. '=

,,'paJ0lu0c-Jlos puu Llsrllos JOrltBJ oq 0l spuat JOUIJBd ,,'uMop rulr?c 0t J0pJ0 ut IlEt 0l onell I
,,'sJOLlto UllM

i
A

'0u tasdn n0^ Jl,,

qloq esnEleq PeulBlulELu


Jo Jer{treu

i''j::

FultcB;elut puu 0t Fulllul u0 o^tJLll


"'rl3uQ

1,, A

tng 'reutred srq :-

Fult.{t,{uB

-uoc luanbarJ JoJ peou srq ::: 'rncco ule8e Jaleu IIr-\\ -.--i:-

FuttteF

lou puu 'FulnrF pup Fur^lF ru,l qFnoLlt sE loal uollo 1,, A

Jou'sJlllnllrsuesur pue selr:::.

usNrf vd uno,\

^^oN)

WIRED FOR LOVE

THI WILD ISLAND


Islands tend to have both heightened primitives and wild ambassadors.
issues.

irrational, and angr1,. UnJel


rejecting, and inflexible.

If

During conflict,

a l\'a\-e

'!:

your partner is an island, he or she may rely too much on talking to work out

ent and future.

"l

can't mt'r'a

This often is a consequence of not being able to connect readily on a nonverbal level. Of course, this imbalance is natural for an island and generally may not lead to complaints in settings other than romantic relationships. \7hen the relationship becomes distressed, a left brain gone wild can get your partner into hot water if he or she comes across as overly logical, rational,
arrogant, unemotional, or unexpressive, or as insufficiently empathic. Under
stress, an island can be overly terse, dismissive, and inflexible, or too silent or

common wave statement. Il by primitives and can bec..cr, through connecting, nou.. l:. emotional connection as ',,.e: but it acts like a primitive.

To avoid the explo.ir'.:..

too still.

During conflict, an island will tend focus on the future and avoid the present and past. "The past is past. lil/hy can't we just move forward?" is a common island approach. In all-out war, an island's left brain gets hijacked by
primitives and can become threatening by communicating attack or retreat.
Rendered useless to social or creative causes, it uses words (or the withholding

nonverbally to your parrnc:. -' your partner through nonI,'.: vide a calm presence. \\'i.ur '

THtRo Gutotx<
The third principle of rh:.
ds anchors, islands,
o?-

of words) as weapons. It still sounds like an ambassador, but primitive: its only interest is survival.

it

acts like a

li

ri i j

Two left brains at war can get ugly. To avoid this, ideally you can ride to

the rescue and get through with verbal friendliness. Provided your own left brain has not gone wiid, talk your partner down. Be reassuring, calming, and rational ("I understand what you're saying and it makes sense" or "You're right
about that" or "You make a good point").

wirh each others' relati, 'r-.:. \We get to knovn'our il:il


agers of our partners

in the'r.

who are experts on one :.n, influence, soorhe. anJ ir..:r:=


experts on one another

A wild island often has little

sense of what he or she is feeling and is poor

t.r.:

at communicating feelings or picking up the feelings of his or her partner. The

partner of an island may also have trouble doing these things, regardless of whether that person is an island too.

They don't enjoy a couple'r:i wou[d change, lisren rt, rr.;.1believe they coupled u'ith r:-;

reate the insensitivitr, ir.',r,:

THI WILD WAVE


If your partner is
a wave, he or she may insist too much on verbal assur-

really knowing what is n.rrhr-For many people, cLosen.-:

with an island, who is less prone to seek or even care about such assurances.'S7ith a right brain gone wild, your partner may appear overly preoccupied with these assurances, and appear overly expressive, dramatic, emotional, tangential,
ances of love and security. This is the reverse of what we see

and a threat to safeq'anl ..: what you want and need fr-': might happen? This quanj;-r, by a bee. The degree ro

uhr;:

getting stung,

in intimate

66

L9

'lerlue8uel'leuonotue'tr]:r-L.-.
eserlt gtr,^A perdn::o:.rJ r1:... tqBu B qtUN 'sef,ueJnsse -qr:-.:
'puelsr ue
-JnssB

qlrl\

ees a.\\ lEi-1.!", --

IBgJeA uO LlJnLu LrOl ral> '

(8unls 8uule8 IaaJ e.^A i{rn{,r ot eerSap arll sr sdrrisuolller elBulllul uI Surpro,Le allqm '.{auog atp re8 ot lJo.&,r tsnul e,^d. qql{.t\ ot ear8ap eq1 'aeq e ,{q Sunls Suraq lnoqtr,r\ dauoq Suueets ot rllulls sr lrepuenb srgl 2ueddetl rq8nu ree; noL legnr Sutpto.r.e epqm 'drgsuolteloJ ruog Peou Pue tue.u noL leq.Lr te8 noL op .4Aoq 'uoEsanb eqt sesIBJ strlf 'Ltuncas pue Lleyes ol tBerl{t e Pue []lrnres pue lra;es;o esrruord eq] qroq s8uuq ssauesolc 'aldoed dueur rog ,," " JJ, I{ceer rleqt ulqtl.^d sI teryd 8ut.,rtou1 {per ^luo l]IrncasuJ rleql puB 'eJllsnfur ',(lr,ulrsuasul aLIl alEeJ ra,tau 'pooqplFll Jo tlpeg 'uosrad Suorm aql qtl^d paldnoc Legr e.tetlaq
-car l,leraru s;autred eseqr

;o

ssaypre8ar 's8urqt eslur .- :.. aqa 'raulred req lo slrl lr- s:::r':

Llaterunln pue 'op [eql [e,tr aqr sBurqr op ro 'uag] ol uetsll 'e8ueqc p1no.'rt reqto aqt qslrd, ot pue] osl srautred asaql 'alqqnq aldnoc e Lofue r,uop daql 'ltuncasur pue ]erqt Jo esues len]nur elerf, ot Puet rerllouB euo uo slredxa

rood sr pue Surtae; sr arl! l-- :---

lou aJ oq,tr. s,raul.red 'lseJluoc uI 'ral{loue euo aldsur pue 'eqtoos 'ecuanl;ut 'ale,ttlout 'l31gs 'a.toru ol A\oq A\ou{ Pue Jaq}oue euo uo sl:adxe ale oq,tr
sreulred ueeur
1

lq8u al,no lo
,,

!,estlas Sr1:;--'. ..

'sra8eueur tueleduroc ,(g de.u tsaq aqt ur sreutred rno 3o sre8e


u1 {1n; reutred rno A\ouT ol le8 arN

pue '8utru1ec '3ur:nssr::

:g '*

-ueur sE tualodtuoc euof,eq ot lopJo

JrlrureJ auroreq plnogs raulred rnol, pue


[:11toru1t4

'seldls drqsuortEler (sroqto qJEe L[]I^\ no 'saoDnn .Lo 'sPuDlst'sr"o\)1tz sD

Uel u,ro rnol pepr-ro:d ss:*.ot apu uec noi.(11eapls:u- :. E elll sllB tr tnq ':optss''::.:-. sFr. r!

D\iouD auo oi

aryIar" s"Lauir.pd

]qt sI looq slq];o eldrcuud Prlql eql

lfdrfNrtd DNIaInD (I)IIHI


-ord lLirue8 req ro tno Surqcee;
'Surqloos pue Suunsseer aq '>1eads op noL ueqlN 'ecueserd ruleo e opl^ urrl qcnoJ'sseuripuolg Ieqre^uou qBnorgr reutred rnoL

Sutploqgrtrn oql ro) =::'teeJlal Jo {oeIB Suncrr::,'-;: ,(q palcehq sto8 urErq lr.l i.: ..: l:n. : ernlnl aur u :
E sI ,,;PlE,t\loJ J.\otu

aql Pro^e

PUE

urJesrp 'p1l,r,r euo8 tou sstl urerg rg8u u.tro rnod;1 'raulred Jno^ ot Llleqre.tuou

Jo tuelrs oot Jo 'alqrxauu: :--..:

dlt

're.tr t surerq rg31r o,tq Jo sseua^Isoldxe eqr plo^e oI 'e,r.rtrulrd B a{rl stce tl tnq

repun'crgtedue .{1tuar:''::r :-:


s

'ropesseqwe uE o)II spunos lllls lI 'uIBBV 'suodee,^A se uollJeuuoJ ]Euoltoure pue lecrsf,r1d sesn rotJeuuoJ eqt 'uortentrs sry] uI izltou 'Surtcauuoc tlSnorql uounloseJ e Surnsrnd ,!pe88op [q Surua]eerqt atuoJeg uer puB se.utruud dq

papetrq ste8 urerq tq8u s,e,te,u eqt 'rea,t tnolle uI 'tueruatets eAB.{\ uouluror e sr ,,peuadderl lerl.{\ eAIoseJ e.r\ Irlun pJB,t\JoJ anour l(ueJ L, 'eJnlnJ pu lue
-sa.rd aql plo^B pue rsed eqr uo sncoJ ot puat ]ll^a e^e^\ B 'tf,rl;uoc Sutrnq

'leuorler '1ecr3o1 '!ro.ro s'-: .: rnoL la8 uel PII^\ euoF ur't::. r,'sdrqsuoueler JrluErlrol uErr r: -reua8 pue puc]sr uB lo] Irrr:-! al.l: ::'
e uo l,ppeer tf,auuof, 01

tno >lro.u ot 3ur11et uo qrn'-u JI 'sropBsseqruE Plr,r\ puE s:.1.1r:-.

'elgrxogur pue'8uucefer 'Surqsrund '8ur.u8ro;un eq uEf, ale,,rt e 'ssarls repun 'Lr8ue pue 'leuoller.Il

f lNrxvd uno,\ MoN)

WIRED FoR LOVE


fundamentally insecure. But here's the rub: if we feei insecure about close relationships, there is no way to become more secure without being in one. No book or audiotape, workshop, or religion can alter our sense of relationship security. In other words, as far as relationships go, we are hurt by people and yet we can be healed only by people.

tending to your parrr


guiding principle: long
3.

creir

other safe and secure.


as

\,

you also keep r

And that's good news. It is entirely possible to become an anchor

by

Don't try to change

r',

spending time in a close, dependent, secure relationship with another person. That person can be a therapist, or it can be a primary romantic partner who
is an anchor or close to becoming one. Though the purpose of this book is not

and also that we ner-er

tance is so importan'
behaviors, and even

o,

specifically to convert you or your partner into anchors, its principles will guide you toward a more secure relationship. Spend enough time in a secure relationship, and you'll become an anchorl
Here are some supporting principles to guide you:

wiring that takes plac

from cradle to grave. C

enal ways through c..:

transform all but the


injuries. But this
shr-.u.

1. Discover your partner. Using the examples presented in this chapter, find out what you may not yet know about your partner. !?hat rela' tionship style best describes your partner? And whiie you're at it, what
style best describes you? As I mentioned before, please resist the temp-

one changes fron-r iu: under conditions ,rf rt

ment.

I guarantee rh.

high regard, respecr.

tation to use this typology

as

ammunition against one another. Like


used improperly' So use

aliy grow more secura.

any powerful tool, it can inflict damage if

it

with compassion in your relationship. 2. Be unapologetically you. Our task in committed relationships
is not to

change or become a different person. Quite the contrary: our task is to be unapoiogetically ourselves. Home is not a place to feel chroni' cally ashamed or to pretend we are someone we're not. Rather, we can be ourselves while retaining our sense of responsibility to others and

to ourselves. And just

as we are unapologetically ourselves, we must

encourage our partner to be unapologetically himself or herseli In this way, we offer each other unconditional acceptance.

Of course, being unapologetically ourselves doesn't mean we


as an excuse

are

reckless or uncaring about how we treat others, or that we can use this

to be our worst selves. For example, if your partner is unfaithful or otherwise hurtful to you, he or she can't simply say, "Tough. This is who am. Just accept it." No. This is a time when apology is definitely in order. In fact, whenever your partner voices hurt,
you need to focus less on being unapologetically yourself and more on

68

69

uo elour pue;1as:no.i r11::.--.-

'lrnq sacto,t reulred lno-,. .l:,,:


lode ueg.tt eurrt
E sr

sn{I .;
la :'-'
_

'Les Lldturs l(uBJ eqs

eJB aA\ UEaIII ].USOOF

sr reutred rnol ;] 'e1dru::..: slql osn uBc eA\ lqt lo '.::'_ S;..':!:'t:':r--;:.

srrll ul .ilrsrorl roJI:.r'r:'-

.
.

lsnlu e,r 'senles.tno \:-: .' -:-: pue sJJr,l]o ot,{tr1r.1...- :;.-

uec a,r\ 'ragleg 'Jou a:.:.r- : - . ; or ereiJ

-ruoqJ

sI IsBl rno :d.rertuo: :u- :: -' ol lou sI sdrqsuonel:: f :-- .-* . -

1ee;

'eJnlas eJoru ,t\oJ8

tI esn oS dpedo:d,-u: ::,j- .aII-I 'JerllouE euo Li*::-:: -dural egl lsrsa: asee.: :: -BIel
-

-::

^llB -nper8 euo^ue l]l,r pue luoddns 'uorto.tap '1oedse; 'pre8ar q8rg ^to;es 'acuetdecce q8norqt [1ug 'ueddeq ]ou teqt aetuelen8 1 'luau IIr^\ -uopueqe Jo teelqt ro 'le.r.orddeslp 'ssarnp 'reel ;o suortrpuoJ rapun
o51 'drqsuonela.r s,eldnoc e yo leo8 eL[] eq

ltil\(lr le alno-i alr---.,1,,:'--; : leqa\ ':eut:r; i- . -'


':atdeqr stql ut f :tr:i'i
-

a:n:as Llleluouepun; ot ornJesur urog seEueqc euo {letuoruepun; tou plnoqs sqt tnfl .sarrnfui
sa8ueqc eseqt erurtourog 'sdrqsuouElel olrtJerloc q8norqr sLe.n leua

- .'
, t_

Pue sreJ peroqueual rno Jo stuBuruer tsB] 0r1t lnq Ii urroJsurl -uouegd ur 8uur.n srqt e8ueqr uec o,r\ 'as,rnoc;g 'e.Ler8 o1 alpelJ ruog
sn L[]r.{\ sLels secueuedxe lserpea rno Suunp eceld salel terlt Suur^\ ,sror.teqaq

eJnf,es ur euIu q;nc--.:

: -: .

lpart seldrcur-rd str oq,u :euUed

's::,i-:-.

]ou sr Iooq srqrlo as,-:.- - .

luuPrual .-: .- -

1eluaruepulu etll 'renamo11 'eurrt relo surJq Jno uele pue rno 'sepn1t11e rno a8ueqr op pue uer alN 'tueuodrur os sr ef,uel -deoce dq.u s1 srqt puv 'enn orE tllog 'a8ueqJ raleu e.& teqt osle puE 'a8ueqc I]E a,r lerlt des plnoc notr .rautred ;noL e8ueqc ol dl t,uoq
'aJes

.g

'uosred rall]oue qI.\\ ;:;s * -. dg roqcue uE aruotaq t- ; aldoed

rautred;noL

dee>1

osle noL se Euol

se;1esrno.{,llecrraSolodeun eg ot sr etepueul

rnol

'ar?xras

puo

alns

tarpo

"uollBlel Jo esuas Jno

.{q rrnq er a.!\ 'o.' ;:.'-. lor-: ::, :

ltna (aa4 01 sau1r"p4 snxollz alqqnq a14noc o Sutlnan :aldrcuud Surprn8 tsrrJ arlt requrauag 'sureluor puB spaau s,lautred ;nod o1 Surpual

'euo ur Sureq lnoqtr,\\

el.,::!

aso]c lnogB alncesur leel :.r. -.

urNruYd uno^ MoN)

Becoming
Soothe

Another: F

en

see partne

one standout tia


manage one ano:

children. Both partners seem manual for their relationshrp . tional details that no one ours

For instance, these parrnt

other's buttons. When the ,rri Not only that, they knos'hcr,.r words to say, or deeds to per

excite, soothe, or heal each . partners possess strong orbil.

brains; well.developed smarr ', control; and honed commun:;


distance.

How did they get to be ... of a perfect partner chromosc,


secret superpower that a1lou

\7ell, maybe. As I said earlie:. others, with lots of positive int in and curious about us. \\'e a

Pelsalelur ere.\\

l(uoP lEr,[] se^rlrurrrd r{tr.{\ alqet eqt ot euroc IIE elN 'sn tnoq snorJnr pue ur suortrralur a^rtrsod Jo stol qtr, d. (sJeqto
orl.^d

sllnPe

eJs ritr,l1a

Jo pulT euros eABq ,(eqr

plp ueql ejll ul uBts releq B to8 sn Jo auros (rerlrEe ples I sv 'eq^tu 'llelN l^lleuortouta reutJd rraqt eBBuEru ot uraqt s,r\olie teqt raaodredns terces oq 'ou 'aur tsn{ leuosourorrlJ reutred rce;rad e;o
uorssessod ur sduqrad eldoed qcns eJV 2rdape os eq o1 le8

leqr prp zno11


.af,uElsrP

rJ E tE Je.^d. pue esolr a^ol deal reqr sllJ>ls uoulrunururoc pauoq pue llorruor IBJo^ pue rltearq pereln8e;11a.u lsruelsAs 1e8e,t treurs pedo1a.tap11a,tr lsurerg

rg8rr pue Tel paruleqqle.tr lsacrtroJ letuorJotrqro Suons ssessod sraut.red asaql 'e.ulcadsred acuarcsornau uroJC 'Jer{lo qf,Ea leq Jo 'eq}oos 'eJrcxe
'e,Lar1el 'ete.te1e

ot

ra.,nod

erlt e^Brl terlt 'uloJlad or speep ro

'des

ot

spJo^\

,uou1 Leqr 'regl .\uo lo51 rq8rr eqr .,rrou4 Aaql 'uonentrs aqr dperuar ot ^\oq 'dg,u esues dlalerparurur Leqr 'peq 3ur1ea,1 sr reqto arll uerllN 'suolng s(Jerlto aqr gsnd ot re.trod tsoru aqt seq leq^\ s.reuuBd esaqr 'e:uelsur rog

^\oul

',!\ou1 ot Lle1q

s1

elqqnq eqt Jo eprstno euo ou teqt siletep leuorl


JoJ

-eredo qtl^\ rerirueJ sr qreg 'raqto qreo roJ pue dlqsuoneler rrar{t
s(reu,r\o eqt parpnts d11n;a;ec pue pBar e^Eq

IEnueuI

ot urees sJeutJBd qlog 'uerplplo

' ;: :' liil.T; fi ili :l'^lil : il,f i I i:I::; ffi"""T::: A

'elqqnq eldnor peurelureu ,r11n;ssa:rns e ur s:aulled

"",

uaq_,[

V L

rauuBd rno^ eqtoos


PUE esBald ot /KoH :rorltouv euo uo suedxg Surulof,eg
7

){rJdvHf

WIRED FOR LOVE


want us to be harmed, and ambassadors that at times can be annoying. Truth is, we can be, all of us, pains in the rear. When we recite our relationship vows, perhaps we should say, "l take you as my pain in the rear, with all your

Bi
lack of order currently upsers

history and baggage, and

take responsibility for all prior injustices you endured at the hands of those I never knew, because you now are in my care." Hmm. How many people would be willing to say those vows? And yet' in my practice and research, that is exactly what I see couples in secure relationships doing. It is a conscious choice they make. They agree to take each other

who are careless, messv, ani ir How many such issue. i . the tens? Or even morel Parri,
a vast storehouse

ofpersonai r.
1

rience as a clinician, hor.'eler.


issues down to their essence.

tify only three or four s'irh rhe


are disturbed by the same ri-r:;

on "as is," and take responsibility for one another's care. As experts who understand their partner, they do what's necessary to relieve the other's distress or to amplify his or her elation. To many partners who find themselves at the mercy of each other's moods, this kind of expertise may indeed seem
like a secret superpower they'd do almost anything to obtain. The role of primary partner is a big one: it entails taking good care of another human pain in the rear. And the only way for this to work is for it to
be fully mutual. Both partners need to become experts on one another.

Table 4.1 lists sonre . : : islands and waves. Note r:^:--mean they're invulnerat'le.

ii

anchor; however, on a daiL.,'i:.

abilities are less pronoun.er.

With

this kind of arrangement, nobody reaily loses and everybody truly wins. You
can think of it as a kind of pay-to-play version of romance, and it is, make no mistake, an investment in your future,

TABLE

4.1

CT

Vulnerabil

THE THRET OR FOUR THINGS THAT


MRr<E YOUN PARTNER FEEL BAD
In fact, we all have a handful of into our adult relationsl-rips.
For instance, you may have been picked on as a child, and so you con' tinue to feel vulnerable whenever someone tries to tease you. It affects you to
issues

with the particular power lo make

us

feel bad. These issues typically originate during childhood, and we carry them

child, you were told you were ugly or stupid, and now you stiil feel you are less attractive or intelligent than others. Perhaps someone in your this day. Or
as a

early childhood always had to be right, and by default always made you seem wrong. Today you continue to feel sensitive to right/wrong issues. Here's another scenario. Let's say that during your childhood you experi' enced a great deal of chaos and disorganization from one or both parents. So

PUSHING EACH
Peggy and Simon mer a:

widowed, they quickly took r..

72

T,L

dagl 'pe.tLopt,r'r .4aoN'JaqleSot e^II ot PoPIcaP PuB raqloue ouo ol lool ^l>lrlnb [33a4 {tuacar qrog 'o8e sread ual IEIros qcrnqJ E lB laru uorurs pue

o5 'stuared qtoq ro auo


'sonsst 8uo.i

ru:'- \\ - l:.-

-uedxa no^ pooqpllrJl ln.,', . ..'.:


tuaes

sNorrnfl sNlHrO Hf,VI DNIHSnd


uaprnq e are noL Buqaeg
3uo1 ool JoJ euop Sutaq le uoJluolsrcl

nol aperu

sde.ule

]pri::

rnoL ur auoauros sdeq:a6 '.-..':lprs noA ,^\ou pue 'plJnt- -

ot noL stroj]e t1 'no.i as'2:- - :: -uoc noL os puE 'p11t1: r- .-- ."
uroql
e^BlN
a^\ pue 'Foa,-i'-: -r:

:eut;ed rnod ruor; pateredas Suteq;o reag ;eutred rnol Lq peuopueqe Suteq;o reeg
paruelq Sutaq;o reeg ,{rerurlur qcmu ool Jo reeC

^lrB3 sn elBru ot ;amod

:e1t.:.-- -

CVg -ll
SSNI]

Ionuoc;o lno 'pedden Sutleag


uodn pepnnur Sulteeg
PUBISI

IVHI
edha

l4plqe.reu1nn

ou a{eru 'sr lr pue 'atu::',* - no^'sui^\ dlnrt "(Frrq-'!:. -: - -, LIltlN 'lJLllOUE

sllrlllsvxlNlnA NowwoD I'7 IITSYJ


'pecunouo;d ssal eJe seltlllqe
--rauln^ rreqt PuB ofnles eJe sreul.red aserll 'srseq [1ep e uo ';e.tearroq lroqcue ue aseald pue eqtoos ol Lressa:euun s.l] leql ro 'e1gereu1n.tut er,.{eql ueaur

ol ll roj sr lJo^\ ol ilu-

JL[,\ L i.-: -

Jo eJec poo8 8ut1et s-',1:--:

t{usaop sIqJ 'areq sroqJuu Sutpnlcut lou ur(I leql aloN 'sole.t\ Pu sPuEIsI Suotue peJnou e^Eq I seltllqreulnl uleur oql Jo eulos slsll I't elqel 'aJII rno rnoq8norql salttllqJeulnl JnoJ ro eerql erues eql ,(q PeqJnlsIP eJE

oq,n strodxa

utP.l,i- - ; urees poJpur Aetu :itl:::,.sr^lrsturLll PulJ otl.\\ --: .'-sip eLll o.\al1Ol .-, ::i:: s(Jel[]o sy ':lr'r : -i
-r--r
-

laqlo rlsee alel ol aaia:


ur 'ta,{

-uorlelal elnf,es ut sa1ir.,-: ::- ' J:nL'. - -

puy

iSA\o.\

sn Jo tsoru a^elleq I 'peq IaaJ sn eIBuI ol rearod el{l tlll.^A rno; Jo eerql ,i1uo .!1r -uapr ol elq aq III^\ sn Jo lsour tag ol 8utj1t.Lr tu,1 'eluessa Jlaql ol u^\oP senssl rno Iloq d11ee.r e.tt JI 'enllun Lllereue8 sr srql ta.te,lrorl 'uercrutlc E se eouelr leql rlcrqm q]I^\ sanssl leuos:rad;o osnoqalols lsEA E

-edxe ^(tu uI 'leep ot e^EI{

,,'eJeJ [tLI uI eJB .{\ou ]tc.'i r>-:. r

a.teq daqr teqt uolsnlll eqt JaPun eJ uauo sroulJed lerour uela JO lsuel eql

noL seortsnfur ror.rd IIE


.rno,{ 11e

uI Jaqulnu Leqi oq

2e.teg Lllenrcg sn Jo qf,o saoP senssl qons

luetu

.lo.o11 oq.^A

rjlr,^^

'lEJl JLil u:

- .- '-. ..
-

dpeprosrp pue 'Lsseru 'ssalaluc are

drqsuorleia.r

lno otnel

.."r. ',-r,

asoqt dq parerltoq;lasrnol, pur; noL puu 'no,{ slesdn [11ueunr rePJo Jo

I]EI

qrnrl

'8ut.{ouue eq ul s:-.rj:-

UlHIONV ENO NO STUIdX] DNIWO]]g

WIRED FOR LOVE


Simon is seventy, and Peggy sixty. Each was an only child and had a difficult childhood. Simon's mother died at childbirth, and his father gave him up for

from the information I'r'e e is an island, while Simon i.

adoption. His adoptive parents divorced a year later and handed him off to his maternal grandparents, who were already burdened with financial wor' ries. Peggy's father left when she was five, and her mother never remarried.
Because her mother worked

In the train incident. t tons, and neither did anlti insensitivity to Simon's abai
whereabours, and then acr:: was insensitive to her u-irhi relieve her (and his o$'u) )L:

full time, Peggy went to her aunt's house after

school. This aunt, who had no children, often shut Peggy in a room by herself because this aunt "needed a little peace and quiet." The couple like to travel together, and they make frequent trips abroad.

However, these often are marred by conflict. While in Europe recently, Simon lost track of Peggy at a train station. She went to get coffee, assuming Simon

I'm not suggesting Pe= That's the last thing tl'Ler-u'.


benefit of being Xpe rts trr. nerabilities and without rh.
founder in hostile emLrriLrr-i:l

would wait on the train. But when she hadn't returned after five minutes, he panicked and rushed into the station to look for her.

When they finally caught up with each other, Simon was livid' "'Where
were you?" he shouted, as Peggy approached embarrassing me."

the time, while their anrl-,.


and repair the situation.

with two coffees. "\7hat's the matter?" she replied, a death glare on her face' "You're

"I had no idea where you werel" Simon continued to shout. "The train's about to leave. What were you thinking?" Peggy didn't respond. Still holding the coffees, she turned and entered
the train, but a different car than the one where they had been sitting. Simon returned to his seat alone, angry and hurt that Peggy was ignoring him and unapologetic. He remained there until they reached their destination two hours later. By the time they met up on the platform, the tension between them seemed to have blown over, but the underlying issue was never dis'
cussed or resolved.

EXTNCISE: Ht
As an expert on yoLl' llalttt:, things that make hint or lrer thyself." ln other worcis.

ltti
c..

trilities, it makes sense to

h...

So take a minltle no\\

1. Sit down where rorl


issues that hare dee;,

As a couple, Peggy and Simon are at the mercy of their three or four bad things. Neither is fully aware of the other's issues from childhood or of how these vulnerabilities influence them in the present. In fact, they share at least one common issue: both were abandoned during childhood. In their adult relationships, this is reflected in difficulty trusting, fear, and general insecurity. Specifically, Simon's main vulnerabilities are (1) believing he couid be

all lhe uar tu lltir

1r,,.

2. lt may help to reca


argument with roLrr' you felt depressed.
1,i
l1

i\sue thal letl rorr to

left at any time, (2) feeling he's the cause of other people's problems, and (3) suspecting others don't trust him. Peggy's vulnerabilities are (1) feeling she
has to do everything alone, (2) believing she can't count on anyone else, and

3.

Take a pen ancl paptr

and issues that conte

(3) feeling uncomfortable with others' expressions of emotion. By the way,

4. When you've compiett

ties. For exanrple, sril, 74

SL

JoUE

Jauppd Jno^ qtrm FulnFru pollpJOJ no,{ esoddns 'e;duuxe Joj 'sorl
JoJ l00l pur? lr
JaAO

-rluuoururoc

lcuq oF 'ls!l rno,{ pele;duoc

on,no,{ ueqTq 'y

'^8.1lt

erll dg 'uouorua Jo suJts.


'as.1e

'tr;asrno,{ J0suoD 1,u00 'pu1u 0l au0c luLl} sanssl pup

pue
'g

euo.{ue uo

lunot t,u.:

eqs Surtaa; (1) ere seuilrqEr:*-:

stuoprcur ollt

lp

umop t0[ puu (Od tatqut Lno,4 .ro) radud puu ued u

epl

dolqe.loulnA ;ea3 o1 no,{ pal lpr.ll anssl

(t) p"e 'srualqord s,eldoad :a-;: ag plnor et1 Surnarleq q) r:: :


-nlesur le,raua8 pue ':eal ': -r-,
tlnPB lteqt

oLll sum tei1m 'tuaprcul Uco ul 'petcelar ro ,{;euo1 'pessardep IoJ no,{ aurl e J0 ',{rFuu ,{ren ouiucaq no,A qclqnn ut .roul.tud ;no,{ Lll!,r,t lueunFtu u 0q plnoc srql 'e;duuxe Jol 'slLroprcur ulrcads IIBJOJ 0l dlotl 1

'Z

tseal te areqs {eg:'.trEJ


PBq rnoJ ro ealqt JlOLl.l

ul 'Pooqfllr.l: :-r:: ul l:::;:


s:.:: lc .irl;'._

^Eiu i,{upot no,{ Fop

.r\orlJo ro PooqPIFlc ruorj

loquauoJ uuc
aLil tnoqu

no,4 su

1|r1s sFulLlt tuqnn 'aul} ul lulod srqt ot ,{unt eqt llB ,{;;ea sp uroJj 'no,{ patceJJu ,{ldeep aneq tuLll sonssl

lurul puu'eull elu,rud 0u0s olell uuc

no,4 aJoLlM umop

lts'L

uea^ leq uorsual

-srp Jelau se.4d. enssr 3ur-rt:;:: aq|ru:c-rr -

o,t\l uollEuuseP

rloqt fru:r::

puB Lulq 8ur:ou8r serr.rl!.:1

:r'

lueq 'uurcls,{q6,, 'saoF Ful,{us

uourrs'Sur]trs uaaq peq.\r-'r

;:

's!qt tn0qu lurr.ll puu MOu alnurul u 0llll 0s 'u,uo ;no,{ u0 olpuuu B olull 0l asuas saluru lt 'solllllq -pJoulnA s,rauupd rno,{ ,{1rluepr 0t Fullduoilp 0J0}oq 'spJoM Jotllo ul ,,11es,{q1 'ppq 0r,.1} sr? 'tn8 laa} JaLl J0 rurLl oIULU tuqt sFu!rll 0l poou no,{ leuuBd rno,{ uo lredxa uu sy
JnoJ J0 aaJql

aul

LllrM JErlrruBJ aq

Perelua PUB Paurnl eqs ':a?:.1


s(uIEJl

cllsvulNln^

no lxv

^^oH

::tslf)Iflxt
'uortntrs aql .rreda.r pue

eql,

'lnoqs ot panill_

j-:
'-'_r

er.no1,, 'JIEJ

taq uo a:e1i

puetl raddn eqt ure8er or sseldleg ureuror sropesseque rrerll elq^\ 'ault agl ''(roturet Iuortorua elpsoq ur rapuno; Jo qcnu urer eeg a^BL[ se^r]rur.id leql ot enurtuor .(eqr 'alqqnq eldnoc e Jo uortretord atlr rnoqrr.{\ pue sertrlrqereu
..1n^ s(raqto

'saeljol O.\\] lr]: ! ererllN,, 'pl^ll s^\ uourq 'iar{__ 'lau iL_i
aq 'salnurur aArJ JelB poulntr: uoutrs Surunsse 'ealJol le; r.: : uorurs '{tuacar ado.rng ur el1g-l
'peoJqe sdr.rt tuanbar; otlELu \ru
,'rarr.b

rlcee tnoqe lrep eqt uI 'reqtou euo uo stradxe

Sureq 1o trJaueq

eqt a^Bq luop laqt ]eqt sr uielqord eqJ 'op ol tuB,^d. Leqr Surqr tsl erll s(terlJ 'Joqtoue auo trnq Llleuortualur uourrs pue 1.33a4 Surtsa8Sns tou ur(I
'spueur a>leru ot req Surqceordde Lpue8 [q Suuagns (u.uo srq pue) req olerler

Ilesrer{ Lq uoor e ur L33a4 rnqs JeuE esnoq s(lunB leq ol tu3.!1


'ParJJBureJ Je^eu
-ro.ry\

;aq;o pasr:dde turq Surdael tou.(q

ol perederdun pue 'tasdn srq Jo areJ eqt ur le.tterprltl^\ Jarl o} alrtrsuesur sE^\ 'pueq Joqto aqt uo 'eg 'ra8ue srq l snolnpenur Surtce ual[] pue 'slnoqeeraq.r tuaruuopueqe s(uorulg ot dtrlrtrsuesur
sreeJ

Jaqtou req

pL
-'.

pe.troqs .(33a4 'ssalslp s(lerlto eqt e^erler

ol Surqilue plp raqtrau pue 'suol

4nq s(reqto tlcea Eurqsnd ur pepaecf,ns qtoq [eqr ']uop1cu1 urn eqt uI
.{33a6 reqr uref,srp

IBr3ueulj r{r!4a peuaptnq

or lJo rurq PaPuEq Pu retEl r?; ro; dn turq e,r.e8 rerlte; srq puE ' tlnrrJJrp peq pue p1tqc,!uo u

ol elqe no[ ara,n 'JEJ snr{]

leAe,4l E sr uourrs apg.tr 'puelsr ue sr uorteurroJur eqt ruo{ ua.r.rE e.L,1

)ISHIONY tNO NO SI)13dXl DNIV\Of tg

WIRED FOR LOVE


he or she leaked something private abOut the two of you to another couple, and you also recalled being mad as a teenager when your mother said thin$s at the dinner table you had shared privately with her. L00king at bOth of these nOw, you see the comm0n issue was feeling betrayed. See

BF(

5. As a final step, you

I'na\

your partner sees as the


bad. watch your partnei these things are in fact

r,

if you can narrOw your list down to three or four main vulnerabililies.

Note, I have suggested Alternatively, you and ),oLrr


together.

{-1,:,;

5. Focusin$ 0n your vulnerabilities mi$ht not be the

mOst enjoyable of exer-

vulnerabilities and identiir ing

cises. when you finish, do something nice for yourself (and your partner)!

pr,1'

EXTRCTSE: HOW IS YOUR PARTNER VUININRBLE?


It is important f6r ygu to know ygur own vulnerabilities, and it is even mgre impOrtant to know your partner's. Knowing y0ur partner's three or four bad
things takes the guessw0rk out of what distresses him or her. Not knowing these three or four thin$s can weaken the relationship and make it a dangerous place for both of you. You can follow essentially the Same Steps as in the previous exercise. I know it might seem easier to simply ask your partner what his or her vulneralrilities are, but I'm willin$ t0 bet y0u're already more of an expert 0n y0ur

THE THnEE oR F MRrr YOUR Pen


How many people actualh

i-.

feel happy and lovedl I'n'L t..i..r

aimed at one's partner nrer:--:


partners married for

thirr,. .-:

to brighten, move, charm. -.: to spontaneously and preJ::::l

partner than you realize. So be$in by compilin$ what you know.

1. Sit down and think

abOut the issues that deeply affect yOur partner. YOu

probably clidn't know him or her durin$ childhood, but what has your partner shared with you abOut that phase of lifeP

tional state is a cruciai asF..In my work with coupLe,. ner to change, not realli'. .i they are. But what people

j,'

.', :
.

otherwise have a positi\ e e1...

2. Recall specific incidents in your relationship during which you partner became distressed. ln each case, what was the issue that made him or
her feel vulnerableP

the other's buttons. But rh.'. .


dotes to apply when things

:c

:-'

their partner has an itch. sl :::,

In this way, couples seek :


cOme

3. Jot down all the incidents and issues that


yourself.

t0 mind. Don't censor

In fact, their competence a: F:-: who want to soothe their ch:-:


managers are able to help

4. When you've completed y0ur list, g0 back over it and


vulnerability.

look for commonali-

It also can be compared ro rhe :

ties. See if you can narrow the list down to three or four main areas of

r..-

76

LL

J0 soJu ulBr.u JnOI J0 00.rr.ll 0] rl


-lluuor.ur.u0c iOI

sV 'sle^el .{8reue pue spooru srreqto qcea ateln8er dleri or elge are sle8eueru tuatadtuoc ale oq,r\ srauud 'rolelnSer E Jo elor eqt ot pereduoc eq uec osle lI
'sauo a,utrsod ele^itlnf, pue s8uriaa;1nlured s,pilI1o rleql eqtoos ot tue.&\ oq,tt (lce; u1 'stuered;o acuatadruoc aql e{rrun tou sr s}eutred se ecuataduroc rlaqt 'Jeqto rlJee;o sreEeueru tuatedtuoo euoraq ot {eas seldnoc 'de.t stgl u1 'rerl lo tulrl roJ tI qrtrcs uec Leqr os 'qc1r ue seq reut.red ttagl

I00l

puB

1r

J0\0

Josuoc 1,u00 'pulru 0l 0ru0J

lPLl

J0 urq Opeu lurll Onssr Olll sP\\

Surqsnd pJo^e ot rue.tr

aleq.u pue uaq^\ ot d,urd eq ot tue^\ Leg; 'l,rare oB s8urql uaq'n l'1dde ol seloP -rtue eqt ,ttou1 ol tue^\ oslB Leql 'q8nouo tou s(tBql tng 'suotlnq s(rer{to ei{l daql 'rautred Jlaql uo trajJe alltlsod e a.teq asi.t\rel{}o

JauuBd n0^ LlcrLlM fiuunp

drqsL.

pue 'a1e,Lr1oru 'ecuangur ol A\oq ,trou>l ol sI luA\ op eldoed legid lng 'ere [eq] se srautred rleqt ateloardde Llleiuaurepunl [aq1 'Llpar tou 'a8ueqc o] reu -ued rteql tue,{\ l(uoP eldoed tsout Punoj e,teg
1

isJtl l0

:
.

Jn0{ spr.l lPrlM tnq 'p00r.ll)lrLl ) Jouuud Jno^ lcoJJB ,ildaap

no

'seldnoJ

I-1]I.4A

ryo,Lr.,{ut u1

'rautred rnoL uo t;edxa ue Suieq;o lJOdsB lIcnrl e sI olels leuorl


-oure ro poour s.rautred rnod et^ele ro ryIrls Llqercrperd pue {snoeuetuods ol

'MOuY n0\ lBLl \\ i ino^ u0 lJod\o uP I0 JJOur \J 'i

lrllqe

s]qr te^'leqloue euo roureue eslAJeqlo ro'tureqc'a.totu'ualq8rrq

o1

-JAulnA Jor.l J0 srLl

pe8uelleqc ueLl,r\ papunoJqrunp reedde oqm s.reel. Lurqr ro; palrrur srautred uees a^L[ I 'rerl Jo tulg r;rtdn or ,!1ecr;toeds ]ueaul raut;ed s(auo te peulle uorssardxe ue lo 'paep e 'aserqd E Jo oJeL[ 3ur11er uI(I lpe^ol pue dddeq 1ee; rautred rreqt eTetu Llsnoeueluods ot aog ,raou1 Lllenrce aldoed dueut llopl

'OsrcJOXo snOt^aJd

lPr.lr .rdLruPe aLll ur sp !r

Fu;,uou1

-JoFuup u lr oluru puP drLlsLrorlr loN JoLl Jo u"rll sas!;

puq JnOJ J0 oaJql s,i0uuPd .rn

aooD Trrr{ ulrNruvd rrno I)vw rYHI SDNTHI UnO{ XO IIUHI |IHI

0J0u uo^a s! ]r pue 'sarlrlr[]P,ri

cl xlND{Vd UnC

'JaqloFol

ssac0Jd slqt qFnOJUt 0F 0t 0s00rl3 ,{Bu reutrud Jn0^ pup n0^ '^lo^rtuuJollv

i(Jouped Jno^ puu) Ilasrnoi rot


-Jsxo Jo agqu,{olua

'uM0

lsou alll ail t


urur.u Jn0J

LIMO JnO^

"rn0,{ u0 (sorllrqEJOUlnA s,JOUlJed Jn0^ Fu!,{Jrluapr pup sarlrl!quJOUlnA Fur,{}ttuepr) s0stcJ3x0 OMl Osor]l fiurop patseFFns anuq I 'al0N

'sollllrqeJoulnA eeg 'pe,4ur1eq

J0
Ll

Fu11ee3

suM anssr

luq1 sufirs

JOJ

'lBop Flq u tcPJ ur aJu sFulrlt osaql ocl0^ Jaq J0 slil 0l ualsll puB 0cBJ s,J0uued rno,4 qc1u1,1 'puq

Fullool 'r0q

r.lllm ,{1a1enud paleq

loal

JOLI

J0

urll

Jor1loru Jno^ uorlm reFuuoal

s
1r

luqM lnO purl :J0ulJud JnO^ LllrM

ol?m lElll SFurrll Jn0J J0 OOJLll oql sP sOas J0uuud JnO^ n0^ 'dols luulJ B sv '9

lcollc 0]

LlsrM

-n0c Joqlouu 0l n0^ J0 OMl aql

^uru

urHroNV lNO NO Srdldxl DNrWO)rg

WIRED FoR LOVE


regulators, each continually monitors the other and knows when to jump in and throw a switch to help restore balance in the direction of those things

BE'

ScurcHING
respective vulnerabilitiesl

\.(
\\i1

that make the partner feel good. More tharr just a safe environtnent, the couple bubble is a place for partners to feel excitement, enrichment, and most importantly' attraction. I'm not
speaking here about physical attraction. Rather, I mean the kind of attraction

Remember how inetiecL-..

making each other feei gooJ.

As a child, Peggt recerr'..

that serves

as glue

to hold the relationship together. Unfortunately, fear often

she's always felt good abour he

is the glue holding couples together. Fear may be useful for keeping a partner

gence, however, evet since a te,


Peggy completed college, she

in line, but it obviously is counter to the notion of a couple bubble. We should \We want to be want to be in the bubble; we shouldn't feel we haue to be there. with our partner because there is no other place in the world we'd rather be. Our attraction is based on what we do for one another that no one else can or wants to do. Couples who don't use this kind of attraction as their glue are
doomed to fail sooner or later.

-,',

the other hand, has alu,avs

ccl

upbringing, he managed tc. pu:

in chemical engineering. He : worthwhile as a human berns tinually anticipates that Pegs,,' Throughout their Eurr.r;.
she is and how attracted ro her

EXTNCTSE: WHAT CAN UPIITT

respond to his complimenrs


seem to work.
Peggy is the one rvho

YOIjR PENTNTN?
Are you aware 0f whai things you can say 0r d0 that have the power to relieve

repeated them more often. sn.

harl

distress and uplifl your partnerP Take a minute and think about these now.

Simon is aware of her dou'bt.

knowledge by saying, "You're s.

1. You may find it helpful t0 lregin with the list 0f vulnerabilities you made earlier. For each 0f the three 0r f0ur things ihat make your partner feel
bad, you probably can identify something that will mollify the bad feeling.

this place" or "I always learn

variation of these messages. he never sees when comnrenrir..-

For instance, if my history has me doubting my wofih as a parent, my partner can predictably bri$hten my m00d with a sp0ntaneous "You're
such a g00d father," delivered right intO mY eyes.

amplification of positive feehn: But aias, because he doesn't us,


Peggy,

2. Check the list you c0me up with against the antidOies in table 4.2, which
rnight give you additional ideas.

on the other han: smarts. She truly values his tn


comments ger out of him is

and said, "You are a good m.:n'


(and

3. You may also want t0 create a list 0f the things your partner can

love that you want to keep me

does) rlo that please and Lrplift you. lf you are doing this exercise together,

Simon responsive in

u'a_vs

tha:

you can creale separate lists for each other and then compare notes.

Peggy and Simon lose ..u_

the safety and security thar c..

and the vitality and atrrac::'.'

78

6L

Surssru aql Sutpr,to.rd qrr'r,r eruoc tEI{t sseuonllceJ}le pue Llqelr^ er{l pue pue dle;es aql ]arler sseJtsrp pu uoltJetord lentnru qll^\ aruoc IEI{I

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UEHIONV lNO NO SrUrdXl DNIWO)19

WIRED FOR LOVE


self-esteem pieces from childhood. As partners, each hoids the keys

Btt to the
1,

to ask Barbara, "'What's wrong


he guesses; after all,

other's self-esteem and self-worth. Remember, as we discussed

in chapter

it couidn't

self-esteem and self-worth are developed through our contact with other peo'

She is predictable, as is he, so b<

ple. You misunderstand

if you think

these goods are provided by the self.

to be of help.

They're not; theyte provided by the other. That's how it works and that's how

it has always worked, starting from infancy. Now I'd like you to meet another couple.
Paul and Barbara have become very social since their last child left the neEt two years ago. They like going out with friends and enjoy participating in

Asking a partner, "'Whar' again?" As partners, we shoul required to know, but we mosr
to do because they don't reallr'

we're paid the big bucks! We d,

community and philanthropic activities. Barbara was abandoned by her father when she was four; her mother, who raised her and her older sister alone, passed away last year. Barbara is still sad about the loss of her mother and of her children, who are all away at school. Paul was the oldest of five
siblings, all male. His father was especially hard on him during childhood. His mother tended to take a back seat to his father's authoritarianism'

Of course, our

guesses

u'ill

I'm not suggesting you need to Barbara's thoughts had moved

thing

she was about to share u

have come from Paul's incorre,

to the new topic.

Although this couple's vulnerabilities are not dissimilar from those of Peggy and Simon, they respond to one another in a very different manner.
Paul understands Barbara's history, and is able to help her recognize when her

Barbara believes she is una

survived many losses in her iite excelled in academics. Althou5 disappointed him. Thls has mz

than her older sister, who u'as s

reactions to him are influenced by the childhood loss of her father. Whenever Barbara pulls away from him, Paul knows what to do to be of help. Likewise, Barbara understands Paul's history; she stands ready whenever his insecurities and perfectionism arise and knows what to do to help him.

of her still believes she was resl

to college even more difflcult

For example, on the way home from a dinner event one evening, Paul noticed that Barbara, sitting next to him in the passenger seat' was unusually quiet. He remembered that, during dinner, a woman at their table had talked
about caring for her aging parents. Guessing Barbara was stili thinking about this, he said softly, "You're remembering your mother, aren't you?"
She nodded and wiped away a stray tear. Paul could feel her distress. Reaching for her hand and kissing it, he said,

Paul regularly makes use c;

and doesn't spend much efforr


self-esteem. He frequently re1l.

how lucky he feels to be u'irh with you for the long haul." He

if

she is the most beautiful, sexr

"l'm

so sorry, honey. I know you miss her."

These three or four things tha also give her what she most ne move her emotionally. He scrar

Wiping away more tears, she whispered, "Thank you." Paul was tracking Barbara that night, as he does whenever they are together. He knows what can hurt her, how she displays that hurt, and what he can do to help. He knows there are only three or four things that consis.
tently have the power to hurt Barbara, and these vulnerabilities have existed
since childhood and will probably exist until the day she dies. He doesn't need

Because of his neglect issi; trusted and trustworthy. He Jr

times becomes frozen and unat

his opinion is respected, althoi


by suspecting that anyone ri'hc

80

I8
'pepurur 1e^\ sr ullq qtr^a saer8B s^B.t\le oqd\ auo^u lEql SuEcedsns
peau t.usooP aH'serP erls
aq
^EP
3s?,.

troddns leqt Suutncrapun Jo Leal e seq ar1 q8noqrp 'palcadsar sr uorurdo slg terlt rearl o] speau aH 'suorslcep .(q lcns ot elqBun PUB uezo{ sauocag seulll

^q

patsrxe e^Erl senllqJau1n,\

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,,'nof, >1ueq1.

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ot alqe sr er{ tetlt se^ol oH 'tuesa;d el{t ut sPaeu lsoru aqs req.t\ JaI{ a.r.t8 osle tnq 'tsed eqt IBaq dleq l^1uo tou sapr.tord eq leql s8utqr rno; ro eerl{l asaql
'lle^^d se 'os

'ples aq 'tr Surssrl pue pueq r?',,2noL l,ueJe'laqtor:r

laq sllet pue reueld eqt uo

ueuro.^A dxes '1n;rlneeq

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er-[s

JI

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s1

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yg

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tou

eJE

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sr

./v\oq S(]Erll PUB S>lJo^\

11

.rLrtl !.:.

JIes ar{t Lq paprto:d ore


-oed roqro qlr.^\

si

aqg

tfeluol

lr

' '-:-

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eg: or

'1 ralderqc uI passnrslp a.\', s:: s,{e>1 eqr sploq LI)i: ::

urHroNY lNO NO Srdrdxl DNIWODIg

WIRED FOR LOVE


Barbara makes liberal use of her knowledge about Paul's missing pieces and avoids pandering to the things that don't matter that much to him. She

BEC

the most trustworthy perr

often tells him, "I trust you with my life." She never argues with him just to prove herself right, but will stand up to him when she believes doing so is important for both of them. She regularly tells Paul how much she believes in
his ability to do the right thing, and to fix lt if he discovers otherwise. Barbara knows what Paul needs to shore up his self-esteem and self-worth, and she
does it without hesitation because it benefits her, as well.

thy person...most of the Neither will a lazy compli


cooking." That isn't ver\' your partner already kno lf your pafiner doesn'l re

about what affects him or


3.

Barbara and Paul maintain a loving couple bubble. As experts on one another, they can detect when the other has an itch, and they know exactly

finalll. sa1 or do sometlri for an instant. Your


partr

can see excitement in thr


vocal tone may become
4.

how to scratch

it to provide relief. Often it

takes just a smile or a look or

grasp of the hand to calm each other's primitives and communicate the sup-

port that is needed. They get their needs met in ways that would not be possible if each were alone; they do this for each other because they can and because it makes them more attractive-and even indispensible-to one another. Nor does anyone outside their bubbie do what they do for one another, and as such, their world is a safer, more protective world than the
one that exists outside their bubble.

ln each case (whether rc complimenting him or her


game together, don't ask

expeil to find this oul. A|


worked, either. Look for tl

this process, you build rc

You will both receive bent

EXTRCTSE:
Other.

THI

EMOTE ME GAME

The two of you can play

tf

Experiment with different positir


You can play this game with your partner, each taking turns t0 "emote" lhe

partner laugh, or anything else

0r

yOu can practice it with0ut telling yOur partner what you're dOing.

Either way, you stand to learn a lot about your relationship.

1. Say or do something to make your partner smile brightly.

Drawing; upon

your knowledge of your partner, try t0 anticipate what will bring a smile t0 his 0r her face, then watch and see if it works. For example, you might
give your partner a back rub 0r relate a special shared memory.

FOU TH GUIDIN

2.

Now say something complimentary about your pafiner that will profoundly move him 0r her. You will know you have succeeded if you bring tears t0

The fourth principle in this bool know how to please and sootlrc e. your partner's primary vulnera
effective for each. Table 4.2
sLrn-.

your partner's eyes. I don't mean tears of sadness, but the moistness thal comes when we feel deeply touched. Brief, declarative statements are
mOst likely to succeed. Long, drawn-Out statements will fail. Avoid adding

islands and waves we have seen

ing your partner minimize the,


haven't included anchors becau antidotes.

qualifications. For example, your partner may be moved if you say, "You're

82

8
'seloplluB
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oJ,no1,, ',{us no,{ Jr po^oru aq ,{eu

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oJe sluOurOluls a^rluJelcop Jat.tB


1

arE

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,4lpuno1ord

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srql

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sr >looq

01

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it

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:lr
'lou

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-JoMtsnJl ,{ren

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serard Surssrur s(ined lnoge eEp

ar,no1,, Ful,{us lnq ,,'M0ul I uosJod ,{qponnlsn;1

^q] lsou aLll

UsHIONY lNO NO SJUldXl DNIWO)]g

WIRED FOR LOVE


TABLE

l--

-.:

4.2

WHAT YOU CAN DO TO

HEI-P YOUR PARTNER

Vulnerability-what
bothers your partner

Antidote-what to do or saY to
your partner

Feeling intruded upon

Approach quietly, rather than calling your partner by name.

Ifyour partner is busy, say, "I need to talk with you in a couple minutes,"
and then leave.

Being separated fron-r r':'':

"Let me know when you're ready. If it's


more

than

minutes,

I'11

start

and you can join in'" Feeling trapped, out of control

"I need a few minutes of your time, and


then you can get back to what you're doing." you've had enough. Run along Feeling he or she

"I can

see

and we'll continue iater." "You ltave a couple of choices here."


Fear of too much intimacy
Pay attention to the level of intimacy

with which your partner is comfortable. Ease into closeness.


"Do you want me to stop?" "ls this annoying you?"
Fear of being blamed

"I

so appreciate what you did' but you

Here are some suppori:n: .:..


your partner:

were out of line in this case'"

"I understand why you did what you did. Your heart was in the right place."
"Look, it's not [all] your fault. And if it were, that wouldn't matter to me."

1. Learn

to rapidlr. :.:-.,:

means you are c ':. . . -

partner is bothere:

your partner is b'c:h.:= two of you or bec:.-:; :

B4

s8
roqtre

uI 'drqsuonelar oqt aplslno Sutqlauos

Jo esneJaq ro nol,3o om]


(('elu rt

ol -Iellru l(uPInoA\ tL
'l1ne3

aqt uoo,{\tag Suurncco Surqlauros;o esnEceq Pereqloq st reulred rnod nod'pareqloq sI JautJd rar{teq^d. JaIBur t(useop r1 '{alerpeurul }} ^\oDI rnoL;1 's8u11aa; pue pooru Jari ro slq ot tJele Lllenuuuoc e;e no,( suEeur

puv

rnod

[11e]

rou

rautred rnol uo ]radxa ue Sutag 'a8eruep leder Llprder o] ulE?'I 'I


:rautred ;noL
Surseald pue Surqroos ur nod epln8

,,'ece1d rq8p aqr ur se.r tl 'pIP no^ rcq^,lPIP noL driu. pue (.'ase3 srr{l

ot seldrcutrd Sutltoddns ewos eJ ereH

ur aurl ,Io t

noL lnq 'plp nod tr{nd etcir ,,;noL Bur-iou

,,'Surdlec [o[ue
sle.r,r1e

,,2dols
,,

II(I uepJng euo eJB no

ol oul lur-.

'sseuesolJ olui asEE 'elqEsr

reulred rno.{ i{lrlaAaj a{1 or utri


e
1l

oP

ol req,r f,lllexe

.('Jerllo rlJBe Jo aJBc eIEl o] lErll a^ol

^\ouI

e.^A

L,

[ceur]ui;o
ueprnq e sr er{s ro eg Sutlaag

,,1nod

ol rue 1

uBql eru ol uePJnq

Jo erotu ou eJ(nol,

.i'areq sacroqc;o aldno:


(.'JelBI

enurluot

3uo1e
1,,

.('ell s.ll JI ua^e 'puEI e^\ sB uoos se noA 11ec 11,1 asruto.rd

ung 'q8noua

pEL[ eA,nr]

i
r,

,,'{let ot peau nol;]


rBoq ot tr^A l(uEJ

eur IIEO,,

er,noL leqm ot

,,'dep rno'( lnoqe

{leq

ta8

ue:

pu 'eurrl rnotr;o selnurru -\\:


Suoi

I 'tq8luot reqleSol
tu,1,,

reuurp rno ot ple^Aro;3ur4oo1

oot JoJ auop Suraq troJtuorslq


uEls Ii,I 'satnunu uE
s,rr;1 '{peer el no,( ueq.u -tcu

,,'nod tnoqe 3ur1u1ql tu,1,, stsa8Fns tBrlt tueruuoc dqrrd [ue ro ,,8u1]aatu

peg 'q8n,, ro ,,no,{ 8urno1,, ;e ,.1y,, tsnf 'eteroqele 8urqto51'SurBesseru qcns 'LSolouqrat Jo asn a{EI{

txat

se

nod uror; paleredas Sutag

,,'selnulur aldnoc e ur no.'i u ol poeu 1,, '[es tsnq sr ]aul


3ur11er uBql

(('rel{lel lru ale notr,,


,,'l,epol

'erueu ,(q :aut: reqtel 'l,pernr

lleluof, esolJ
asee16,,

ur aq ot tuelt\

'aru ol esoll dels

(('ol peluB.e\

Jau
nod Lq peuopueqe Suraq;o reeg

no,(;r au yo

p1r ra8

t,uplnol no

ol

Aes

ro op ol teq.\\-

'erag,u.{ue Suro8 lou ru,1 'Luom

l,uoq,

U]NI]
NV:)

oI oc
urHroNV lNO NO SrUrdXE DNrWO)19

W}RED FOR LOVE ofan expert that you can speediiy make an educated guess about which ofhis or her three or four bad things has been
case, you are enough

Bri
your own itch. What.
things with your parrne
So, how do _vou kr:.c

touched off, There is no reason to let any problems fester. Seeing your

partner in distress should be the signal to "stop the presses" before continuing on with arything. For example, if you think you caused your partner pain, you might say, "That didn't go well, did itJ" or "I'm so sorry. Did that just hurt you?" The worst thing you can do is ignore what you see on your part'
ner's face or hear in your partner's voice. Let your partner know he or she can count on you to step up and say or do whatever is needed to

really works? The pr.

'.:

will always be visible e.r. or apparent in his or he:


There's no need ro gei ir..

three or four things are (bad ;r as a "secret" superpower. :in:: these good and bad thine. : turns out you're not seeing rh.

repair the damage.

And the same applies to you. You can rely on your partner to be
there for you, to know your vulnerabilities and soothe you when you're upset. It's as though when you formed your relationship, you took out
a

scratching the right itch. In rl tion, oftrial and error, you can

board and learn more abour r :.

policy that would ensure your comfort, and now because you've kept

up with your premiums (that is, by being there for your partner), you're

able to relax and cash in whenever something seems to have gotten out of hand.

2. Prevent probiems before they arise. Knowing how to repair darnage is helpful, but it is even better to anticipate and avoid difficulties. Of coLrrse, it won't be possible to avert all challenges. Life doesn't work
that way. But as experts, there is a lot you and your partner can do to please and keep each other happy. Rather than waitlng until you see trouble brewing, be proactive with your partner. Make a habit of saying and doing the things that make him or her feel good. Don't assume your partner aiready knows how much you love him or her; don't fig-

ure you've already adequately expressed everything you appreciate


about your partner. Find new and creative ways to convey the three or

four things that make your partner feel good. In this way, you make
deposits you can draw on when the going gets rough.

3. You may be wondering, what if my partner and I disagree about what our three or four bad things and three or four good things are? The answer is that it doesn't really matter. It isn't actually critical that you
correctly identify your own three or four things or know how to scratch

86

L8

r.[J]Errs ol

,4d.oq

nod ]et11

lBcrlrrr L11enlce t.usr

^\oul

ro s8urqt r

tl
a

aqJ lere s8ulqt poo8 rnoJ ro

teq^d tnoqe ear8esrp I pue raut

'q8nor sto8 8ur


a4eur noL te.tr srgt u1 .pooE ia ro eeJql oql ot s.{e,u a-ru ^e^uoJ alercerdde noL EurtllLreAe fO! -Brl l.uop :IJLI lo rurq e^ol n^\ rrrnsse r.uoq 'poo8 lreJ lJLl I I 'des;o llqerl e e1e7t1 'raut-red :
:

eas nod lpun Suple^\ uBql leut ol op uec reul.red rnod pue n.r...

Iro^\ t.useop a;r1 'sa8ue11eq: :r JO 'srillnr4jlp plone pue :rL:: sr a8eurep rredar ol .uoq 8ur.tc-:

uallo8

oAEr[

o]

surees Surqtaiu,-

u,no,{ '1:out.red .rno,{ lo; rrrqr :'

lno
eg

tdel a.t,noL esnef,eg,rou pup 't: noL 'drqsuorteiol lr,!r,,

Iool

ar,nod uaq,r noL eqloos puE s.i_

'lJedxe Jelleq B auloJaq ol enulluof, UBO no^ 'roue pue leul;o 'uorl .etuaruuedxe;o ssacord e q8norql 'reuuBd rnol, lnoge eJour uJeel pue preoq Suurerp eqt ot {ceq oB ot etuu s,tr 'esec tcqt uI 'gctl tr{8}r aql Surqctercs leL lou a;e nol, ale saJuerlf, 'sllnsal pensep aql Suteas lou ar,nod lno suJnl tl JI 'stlnsar er{t r{rte^\ puB lrq trs ueqt 'aq or s8urql peq pue poo8 asaqt

ol reulled rnod uo ,{1ar urr

ol Pepaau sI Ja^alBg.r op lLr .\:i Jo eq .r,r'ou>l reuued rno,{ ta-1 .::


-lred rnod uo ees nol, leq.n art-::

puetsrepun nol' 1eg.,rt ot Su]pJocre puodser l'1dtu15 're,uodradns .lerros,, E sB asrtredxa sn{t ot perreJor 1 .{qm s,req1 '(poo8 ;o peq) ere s8urqr rno; ro oerql rnol, teq,u. tnoqu Jauued rnoL qtu{ ateqap e olur ta8 ol paeu ou s.alerlJ 'poour uI rJlqs snoauetuods Jeq ro sKI ur tuoreddE

l;nq tsnl rqr pIC

'd.rros os rr,i.

lo

lq8tru nod'ured raulred rno.i re.


eroJeq ((sesserd

'ecro,L reg ro srq ur elqrpne 'acEJ s,Jautred rno[ uo elq]sp eg s,(e.u1e 1ir,tr erueprle aq1 'Surppnd aqr ur sr '1eads ol os ]oord aq1 2s1-ro.,vr d11ear

eqr dots,, ot

1:'.r
.r-,:-e

rautred rnoL ro; qrlm dn eruoc a.t,noL tBq^\Jr ,r\ou>l nod op


'BsJeA eJrA pue 'raulred rnod
.,rAoq .r,ou>1

^{oq

'oS s8urqr

rnod Sureog 'retsa; surelgord

r1lr,Lr,

ueaq serl sBurqr peq rno; lo ear-; -npa ue a1eru,lrpaeds

aseqt op ot

noL

lerlt

sr tueuodurr s,lBI{lN 'qctr ua,ro

rnol

uet

nra_,.

UEHI-ONV ]NO NO

SIfldX] DNIWO)19

CI

Launching

How to [Jr Bedti

reakfast

in bed. The

'Vake-up songs. \\'ak:

snapshots from vour ; Lullabies. Daily debriefings. Be: From our earliest begirrr,r:.

the forehead. These are a1l be ::

tion frtrm sleep lo wake, an.i morning, and land at nighr. \\', ' we form tend to stay wirh us.
shifting between qsn561sLrrn.i,
quences for our mental and ph

relationship.

In fact, many people-b mornings and nighttimes. Dep upon awakening. Facing a ne',',
dreams, a person who is derrr

dread getting up. AnxiuLrs -r. \)7hile lying in bed. worrisnn-.=

lheir mind wirh vexing rnrer:-.. sleep can be so painfulfor.on..


pass out, and not deal rvith rt .-:

'llE t lI qll,{\ IeoP tou PUE 'lno ssed 'paq otur 11e; dldurs ol re;erd ,(eqr reqr aldoed eruos roJ 1n;ured os aq uec daals puE ele^\ uee,^Ateq uortrsurt er{J 'raltBqJ ieuJatul 8urxe,r. qtl^\ pultu leql IIrJ ot puat sarroureur pue 'se8erur 'srq8nogt euroslrro.r\ 'peq ul 8ur^l olltllN 'lqEru re snorxu eroru seurltatuos afe eldoed snolxuv 'dn Euura8 Pearp

pue InJrEaJ puB pate^Itoutun laal deut passerdap sI oq.^a uostad e 'surearp 8url1asdn;o eturllq8tu E laUE Llletcadsa '[ep .ttau e Surceg 'Burue4eale uodn
pesserdep erour serurteuros ore eldoad pessardaq 'serurttq8ru pue s8uluJotu

qtrnt elqnon e,r.eq-sa1dnof, puB sel8urs gioq-aldoed dueru 'loe;

u1

'drqsuorteler

lno Jo r.[]lBeq eqt roJ s IIa^\ sB 'qtleaq lecrslqd PUB l]ueur lno roJ secuanb -esuoJ luelJodrur seq sseusnorf,suocun pu ssausnolJsuoc uae,\\leq Sutr;tqs

ol peurotsnJJB ere e^d qJrq.{\ ur rauueru eql 'sn rill,tr [ers o] puet ulroJ a.^a strqeq er{} puB '{pootipiltlc Suunp slqt urel a1X 'rq8tu tB puBI pue 'Sururour eql ur qcunel tsnru elN 'deeis ol oIB, A tuog pue 'a{e,tt ol daels urog uoll rlnpe rno lnogSnorql s8utuurSeq lsallre rno ruorc
-rsuBrt tsnur
e^A 'a;I1

'slEntrr auruPoq IIe aJ osaql 'PeeqeroJ eL[] uo sessr) 'sra.{er4 'tq8ru le peq otur pelrnt Surag 's8ur;auqap {1eq 'soIqEIIn'I

'sarrots arunpeg 'siBntrr Sururour pooqplllJ 'lno.( uror; stoqsdeus JerIrruEJ euros ale asarll sdetpad 'sessr{ dn-e>1er16 's8uos dn-e1e16 's8ururotu serutsrn{C pue .{epqrlq Jo IIIryr eqJ 'peq ur tsEJIEer

slBnllu eulllPeg
PUE Sururol\ esll ol /KoH :s8urpue1 pue s8urqcunel
s ulrdvH)

WIRED FOR LOVE


If your partner has any of these troubles, he or she may have sought relief through medication. And for some, this is effective. However, sleeping medications can be addictive or lead to other negative results: difficulty waking;
depression; next-day grogginess; rebound insomnia, and even drunken, out'

perfect opportunity now to ha'

time...with you!

of.control behavior. \Uorse yet, your partner may be tempted to seek relief
through self-medicating activities and substances, such as pornography, chat rooms, online poker, late-night television, alcohol' food, marijuana, or a com' bination of the aforementioned. So why have i inciuded a chapter on morning and nighttime rituals
as

STETpTNG

AND

\A

Noah and Isabella, both in the while working hard at rheir re: riage, they used to go out tog rearing duties and a mounting
exhausted. They have enlisted

part of this owner's manual for your partner? Because you can and should be your partner's best antidepressant and antianxiety agent. And best of all, no
insurance reimbursement neededl

daycare duties, and have a your

As we saw in chapter 4, being an expert on your partner means you know how to please and soothe him or her whenever needed. During infancy, hope' fully this kind of soothing was provided by a primary caregiver. If your partner
is an anchor, he or she had a secure base from which to explore the environ' ment and return whenever in need of comfort and re{ueling. If your partner is
an island, however, that secure base was relatively unavaiiable, and now he or she may deny or dismiss the need for a partner to soothe and be there as a source of comfort. After all, why consider the importance of such security if it was never available in the first place? Studies of children in Israeii kibbutzim, where communal living arrange' ments meant they were separated at nighttime and early mornings from their

\Uhen she can, Isabella

pre

children are asleep. Noah has least midnight. Isabella is the or


breakfast. After that, she runs

cally wakes an hour after she I These partners have becc Noah has become increasingir'

rate sleep-wake patterns on \\'r

their dissatisfaction on the ch


ful of his complaining. Neirhe:
and waking as a problem. Yer

mother, give us insight into this question. Attachment theorist John Bowlby (1969) predicted children in such situations would be less secure, and research' ers have documented this to be the case. For example, Abraham Sagi and colleagues (1994), who compared children who slept at home with children who slept away from their parents, found that if the parent was consistently

ness, and a growing sense of hc

What effect do you think I


effect does the sight of an empr

at 1 a.m.? What effect


partners?

does ,

unavailable at bedtime, the child was more likely

to be insecure.

More

When living alone, we ma\


or her next to us-preferablv are asleep.

recently, Liat Tikotsky and her team (2010) reported that parents who expe.

However, when we live with a p

rienced communal living as infants were more like to report concerns about their infant's sleep disturbances. Their study revealed a silver lining, however:
these parents also were more likely to soothe their infants at bedtime'

a,

'lThether

we are a\\':

when we expect someone to t'e separation, the experience rha

Vhether or not your partner felt smoothly transitioned at bedtime and in the morning during childhood, here's the good news: your partner has the

90

I6

'Surlllesun aq uec sn Uel serl .reutred Jno lBqt ecuer:edxa ar{l (uoltJedes
Lre,rodruet e dluo sr t1

eql seq rautred rnol.

:s,trau po

pag drdrue uE ot tcBeJ Leru e.tr']ou Jo ]lJo aJB^\B erE e^\ roqler{lN'daelse ere
a.u alrll( daelse pue 'a1e.re are a.^d ellr{ \ eIB.r dlqere;erd-sn ot txeu Jaq ro urrq 8ur,r.eg ol peurolsnJJe euoJeq a.tr 'reulred E r{lrzr,l elrl eA\ uarl.tr 'rea,a.ro11

^{ou{

e,r Jl ueAE 'eJeqt ag ot euoeuros tcadxe a,r\ ueq.&

ur JLuuPeg te pauortrsue:r . Pue 'aulllpeq lE slueJur Jroql :Jene^\oq '8urur1 Je^irs B pala.\a

tnoqe surecuoc lroda-l ot aIII e -edxa or1,r sluared regl parroda

'paq Lldrue ue ;o lq8rs eqr f,q pa;eqloq aq tou

e*r 'auo1e Surmt uaq4y


^Eru

arol{

'ernJasur eq
seaa

of

.{1aryt

2srautred

Lltuetsrsuoc

tuared er{t Jr l

qtoq uo

e,r.eq Eururour

arl] ul euole 8ut1e,tt seop tceJJe teqlN l'lu'E

]e

uerpp{c qtl^\ aruoq re rdels orl


pue t8eg uEqEJqV 'eldtuexa :
-r{creeser pu 'ernJes ssal eq p]n
dq1,r,rog

sele.tt Lgar.rq er{s uer{^d lleqesl uo e^Bq paq ,iidrue ue 1o lq8rs aW seop }leJ}e

ruril6 lqeoN uo seq,!rea peq ol Suro8 llegsl >1utqt nod op treJJe terllN 'e8eiueur agl lnoq sseussaledoqJo esues Suvrror8 e pue'sseu
-ssaFe.r,rod 'd8raue Surue.u;o sureldruoc rlJe tatr

urlof tsuoerl] tueutqtEl

'ualqord e se Surlen pue

reqt urog s8ururoru L1.ree pue


-e8uer.ie Eurrul leumuuroJ eJarl.

erunpeq te ssauraqtaSot Jo {rBI rreqt ot qool reqtlaN 'Sututeldruoc s1q Jo InJ -tueser sr BIIeqsl pue (snorxue pue pesserdap LlSutseer:ur eruoJeq seq qEoN aurelq 'sao^\ Jreqt Jreqr 'uerpllqc eql uo uoucBJsrlBssrp rraql pue 'ryom IErf,uEurJ [ddequn aluoceq elq srauud eseql

qtog 'Jaqtoue euo

qtr.^d

'lle^\ sB 'spue{ae^a uo suraDed alem-dea1s aler


-edsrp leqr uretureur [eg1 'asnoq eq] ryal ser{ aqs reu rnoq ue se4elr Ll1er -lddr qeoN 'Tro^r ot ueqr puB urL8 eqi ol JJo sunr eqs 'ter1l ret V 'tsEJIEerg

JI ,{lpnoas qcns Jo acuetrodrur E s ereqt eq PUB eqtoos o1 la


sr

Jo aq ,r\ou puB 'a[qe[B^eun .\la \ rautred rnod;1 '8ur1en;a; pue

s(uerpllrp er{t a{Eur ol q8noua l,pea dn auo dpo eqt (pro t lltun dn sdets pue tqS1u B uaeq
sde,mle seq

sr EIIaqBSI

'tqSluprur tseal

qEoN'dealse erB uerpllqc

-uoJrlua agt aroldxe ot qfrq.\\ i raut;ed rno[ ;1're.r.r8elec L;erul


-edoq 'Lcue;ur Suunq 'papaau
,trou1 noL suaur reulred rno-i u

ar{t sE uoos se ''ru'd 6 punoJe peq or oB ol sre;ard lieqBSI 'uec erls ueql6. 'elBI >lro,\r qroq ueq.r\ slgSlu uo rarrlsdqeq Sunod e e^q pue 'seunp erucl,ep snorrel qrur dleq ot srequreu l^pue; pepuelxe patsrpe e.teq deql 'petsneqxa

ou

'11e

Jo tseq

puy

'lue8e irerx

oot pue Lsng ool eJB rltoq 'uaprnq IErf,uEurJ Suuunoru E pue sertnp Suueer -pllqr qrr,r\ '.r0.o51 'srnoq erel dael pue reqreSot tno oB ot pasn Aerlt 'e8eu
4uur Jo s.reed Apea aqt

eq plnoqs puE UBJ noA asnecag


sB sluntu euriuq8ru pue Suru:

uI

'suorssa;ord e,utradser rrarll tB pleq Sunpo.tr epq,Lr

uoJpilrlc Sunod o.trt Sursrer eJ 'ser1Jrqt ppu Jleqt ur qtoq 'e1iaqes1 pug ripoN

-uroJ s lo 'euenfr.retu 'poo,y '1oqc

reqc tqderSourod se qJns


Jer]er 4eas :3ur1e.tr

'sel-.r

Iflrrv-uvdrrs DNDV

A crNV

DNrdIEfs
inod qll,rr"'arurl

ol peldurel aq ,ieru
'Eruru,-,

4no 'ualunrp uela pu

:slInse] e.\llr:

^rlnlUJlp -]peu Surdeals'ra,te.tro11'e.\llr;


lerlar tq8nos aaeq Lew aqs lo ;L'

]s-rr; d.re,r.

eql roJ Jo (ure8e eseq arnces leqt e^Bq ot ldou []runlroddo lce;rad

SDN

IANV'I ANV SDNIH]NNVl

WIRED FoR LOVE


Isabella has island qualities and appreciates her time alone, yet she sometimes

finds it hard to fail back to sleep after waking to find Noah still up. And Noah, who has wave tendencies, sometimes feels abandoned when Isabella
goes to bed before he does, even though he is naturally a night owl.

STEEpTNG

AND V

In my experience as a couple r, meet each other in bed at nisL


they cosleep) and who routinei

To complicate matters, their respective genders may influence Isabella's and Noah's sleep experience. In fact, various studies have shown that men
and women not only have different sleep patterns, but perceive their experience differently. For example, John Dittami and colleagues (2007) compared
couples when they slept alone and when they slept together over a period of

satisfaction than couples ri'ht- : can work.

twenty eight nights. They found that women had more disrupted sleep when they were with a partner than when they slept alone, while men reported
enjoying sleeping together more than women did.

TRRNSITIONIN(
Rebecca and Vince are

r.-

Wendy Troxel (2010) pointed out a paradox emerging from this field of

On the one hand, measures of the biophysiological changes that occur during sleep (e.g., reaching the most restful level of sleep-called level
research.

4 sleep; having fewer body movements) indicate that, overall, couples better alone. On the other hand, couples subjectively report that they

sleep sleep

dren. Similar to Noah anJ Is income to keep up with a n,--. other expenses that keep rhe: Isabella, they don't have ex:::.
daycare or babysitters. Rebecca

better when they are together. She theorizes that, for both men and women,

the need to feel secure at night outweighs any sleep disturbances that may accompany cosleeping. This would explain, for instance, why Isabella is disturbed when she wakes to an empty bed. It also supports what I stress in the guiding principles of this book: the importance of keeping your partner safe
and secure. It's also possible that Isabella and Noah are influenced by their respective

office six out of seven davs. Fand Vince more of an isiani their secure, skillful
\4

dv r.\t ri..:

Despite their stressful L.,'=.

morning rituals, both tbr rh. - -. to put the children ro be.j. ,:,, quietly about rheir dar. or :-. ,. to step into her home ottr,.
a crisis is occurring
:

circadian rhythms-the daily biological cycle that determines when an individual is inclined to eat, sleep, and perform other actions. Research has shown that couples with different rhythms, such
as

in her ..'. :,
n-.

night owls paired with early birds,

is understanding and usuail.,'


a week,

can experience instability in their relationships. For example, Jeffry Larson and team (Larson, Crane, and Smith 1991) found that couples with different

Vince has to ger up

e\i:

get up with him, even thouli.. . so they can share a cup tri

night and morning orientations had more arguments than did similarly
couples to have different daily rhythms, yet

ori

.:

ented couples, and spent less quality time together. It's actuaily common for

the early start on her ori'n

rl r.
.

believe it's possible and even

heads back to bed for anothei Rebecca and Vince orrrr^

healthy for these partners to get onto the same sleep schedule, or at least to create ways to begin and end the day together. You can improve your relation.

ship

lf

you make the effort to coordinate sleep/wake patterns with your

one another's eyes and then se: times, they take turns readins r.

partner.

ing the books they will enj..-,' : with new bedtime rituals. as i,..

92

.6

turod e epEru

(eluBtsur roC 'lle^\ sB elr{.4d JoJ 'slBntu ewrfpeq.t\eu qtr^\


1p,u deqr s>1ooq

^eq] tuauuedxa pue ateerr ot a{ll ,{aq1 'raqreSot Lolua raqto tV


'dee1s

eql 8ur
rncr.{ tltr.rrr sula]]ed a1e.u7doa1s

-tJales eteuJatl pue 'tqBru qcea Jeqtoue euo ot SurpeeJ suJnt alet [at1] 'sarurl

oi;;o rer{tou

euo Surpues Lpue8 uaqi pue seLa s(Jerltoue euo

-uorllal rnod ea.ordurr uBf, no-\

otur Surze8

'dee1s

ero;eq tsnt peq ur {larnb erl ua}o acurn pue f,cagag

ot tseol le ro 'elnpaqcs deels ar uele pue alqrssod s.tr e^arlrq I ro; uoLUuroJ Allenlre s,lJ 'lJLIlr;
-r.ro ,41:e1rr-u1s

'se^eel eq relE rnoq reqlouE roJ Peq ot lcBq sPBeq pue eeJJoc aql seo8ro; eqs 'serurt leqto tV'Lep >po,rt u^\o Jarl uo uls.!ree atlr satercardde egs spurJ er{S 'se^Bel aq eJoJeq aeJJoJ Jo dnc e ereqs uec Lagl os

plp uEr.[i s]uerun:

'ot raq pelse t(usBr{ er{ puB ot peeu t.useop eqs q8nogl ue,re 'run1 ql,r dn ra8

tuereJJlp

qlltr seldnor teql pun

uosre'I Lrgef 'eldruexa rog 'sJr 'sprrq,(pee t1lr,n pe.rred s[,^1o ]rli
u,r\orls seLI qsJEeseu 'suol]fe ]a.! e.utoadsar

ol solll ef,leqag 'IJo^A t Surlearu e ro; dpee erlxe dn te8 ot seq ecurl '1ea,tr e e3uo tnogv 'raq roJ dn Sunre.tr;o turod B se{Eur l,11ensn pue Surpuelslepun sr e:urn 'uorse3oo uo ueddeq seop srqt uaqlN '{Jo^a req ur Suulncco sr srsrro B sselun stsrsal ags 'speur-a rg8ru-ere1 roJ {cer{J ot ergJo euroq req otur dats ol perdruel sr uauo Brcegag q8notllly 'e,ro1 Surleur ro 'Lup rlaqt tnoqe {rarnb ol uorplrq3 arp lnd ol
3ur11er 'uorsrlalet Surqcle.,n Lofue preluau pu 'p"q
(so^rl

-lPul uB uorl^a seululolep lql laqr [q paruenl+ul e

raqleSol ryom [eq1 'se^lesureq] roJ pu uerpllqc aqt roJ rpoq 'qen1u Sururour

pue aruruq8ru lnoq atnloser are aldnoc ar{t InJssoJls rlaqr arrdsaq 'sror{rue aruoreq qtoq war{t padlaq Sunelar;o ,{e,t. 1n;1111s 'arn3as Jreql 'e8euleru ;o sread eldnoc E urqtr^d 'la.temo11 'puBISr ue Jo erour elurn pu
aABA\ B

,(eru

eles rautred rnod Surdaal Io a: eqt ur sseJls I teq,r stroddns os -srp sr lleqesl [q.u (ecuE]sur l. leqr se3ueqJntsrp deels -,,u

Jo eJoru

sBrA

BJJeqaU 'e8euJeru

ol JorJd 'sl,ep

ua.res Jo

lno xrs e3rllo

'ueluo^\ puE uaur qtoq


deals deqr deals saldnoc '11e.raao

to-+

'lPul
arr:

leql lroder [1a.ur:a.'


'teqt

uB le s>lro^\ ef,urn pue 'euroq eqt Jo tno s1ro^{ EJJegeU 'sreDrs.{qeq ro arecl.ep prol;E t.uur Aegr pue 'lno dleq ot ,(pure; papuetxa e^Bq t(uop deqi 'e11aqes1 pue gEoNI a>lllun 'aJntnJ erll tnoqe parrro,^A uagr deel teqt sasuadxa reqto

Ie^el peller-dee1s 1o IO^al In,r:s teql sa8uerlc 1ecr8o1ors,(qdorq


Jo ple1J slqt ruog 8ur8;arua

ro:
.F]F

pue 'srunnuard ecuernsur qlleaq a8nq 'a8e8troru B rllr,4d, dn daal ol eurorur IBnp B Surllnd '8urryoa,rpreq er qtoq 'e11eqes1 pue rleoN ot rellruls 'uerp Suno^ o^\t e^Bq pu senril{t plur rlaqt ur ar erurn pue EJf,eqaU

Trll

DN^S Nr DNINOTJTSN\/-UI
'4IO.4A

pelrodar uaut elrq.{\ 'auo1u tJa' uat1.u. daels perdnrsrp erou pe,.l ;o pouad e reno raqteSot tdal.
_

IIEJ

pereduoc (1997) san8eellor Fu -uedxe Jreql elreJJed lnq 'su::


uour tBqt u^doqs e^Bq soiPnts s,Eleqesl Jluenuur ,{er-u s:>pu:.
'1mo

sn{t .r\oqJo seldruexe euros tE Tooi s(tal 'lou op oq.u seldnoc uerlt uortrJsrtes dtqsuouelar oJoru qcnur lroder raglaSot a1e.r\ l,laurtno; oq^\ pue (daeisoc [eql tou ro reqtaqa) peq ot reqtoue auo tnd ol ro lq8lu tB peq ur rer{to rlf,o teetu

rq8ru e dllernteu

ol sueld a>1eur Llauunor

or{^A

s.reulred 'lsrderaqt aldnoc e se acueuadxe dru u1

ellogesl ueq^\ PauoPuEgE sisal

puy 'dn lllrs qeoN puq or


saulllauros
aHs

:-

urHr:rDol DNr)Y^A CINV DNrdiilrfs


S9NICNV] CNV SSNIH]NNV"I

lel.'auo1e aruu :

WIRED FOR LOVE


every night after turning out the lights to express their gratitude' They thought of all the people who had touched their iives, both iiving and dead, naming them one by one and wishing each well. Sometimes either Rebecca or Vince fell asleep before finishing the list. No matter. Both saw this rituai as a way ro transition into sleep, and they liked that it helped them feel connected not only to one another, but also to the people in their lives. The couple awaken together and always make a point of lounging together for several minutes before taking care of their morning chores, including waking the children. Sometimes they gaze into one another's eyes upon waking, as they did prior to sleeping. Even though their days are busy, both feel energized by their time together at these crucial transitioning periods, and feel connected and hopeful about their day apart. They launch each other into the day and land together into the night.

activities downstairs. She mip fobds, particularly ice cream, \

hours of the night. Often wher anxious and disappointed in I

Then one night, by char-Lc was extremely tired after parti


bed early-even before Marci
and went to bed halfan hour
a

Carrie's back. The next mornir not woken up during the night

again later that week, witl'r r Marcia, while in bed with \1,

without late-night eating or


she later regretted.

re

Carrie's late nighr acrir irr,

EENIY BIRDS AND NICHT OWIS


their rhythms are naturally similar and easily in sync. But what about couples with conflicting rhythms? It may require more effort and compromise, but such couples Things are relatively
easy for Rebecca and Vince because

she feit abandoned by Marcia.

to be put to bed. Marcia had to bed at a similar time each

also can benefit from shared rituals.

Carrie did not. Despite Carri, verted early bird. As an addel mornings together. Moreover.
work, and lost weight because together and waking togerher
were before. Early birds ofren conre fr, 'r come from night owi families.

Carrie and Marcia have opposite sleep patterns' Carrie is a night owl, and Marcia is an early bird. Carrie admits she is an island and always has been. She also believes, and is probably correct, that Marcia is an anchor. Marcia worries about Carrie and her health. She notices how overtireci
she is during the day and that she tends to eat high'carb foods right before

going to sleep. Carrie insists these habits suit her well, although she would rather Marcia stay up with her and watch TV. Marcia's internal clock doesn't allow her to stay up; she starts to fall asleep almost precisely at 9:30 every night. Marcia also doesn't like to be woken at night, and she begs Carrie to be quieter when she comes into the room after Marcia has fallen asleep. Carrie sometimes gets irritated that Marcia can't stand sound or light in the room at night. Carrie wants to be next to Marcia at night, and would prefer to turn on a small nightlight and read whenever she has trouble sleep-

according to their mother's ci. themselves to switch specic.. cially when the future of their
several days of light exposure

light exposure in the earlr' n-ic your partner a little time to :-.
earlier before you expecr

hin

.-,

ing. But out of concern for Marcia, she avoids doing that. Instead, Carrie made it her habit to slip out of bed, tiptoe out the door, and look for other

Partners who wish to t.,rc= simpiy accept one another as I

ence for their murual benetft. j

94

s6
(aruEtsur

rerllo roJ Tool pue 'roop eqr ri orJre3 'peatsul 'lerp Surop sp alqnou seq er{s relouaq.
-dee1s plno.^A

pue 'tq8ru te Brf,lEI,\ o


ro punos puEts t.uEr
Er

ur
aq

1q311

'daalse ualieJ ser{ EnlEtr

ol rule3

s8aq aqs pue 'rLlFl,

dra.te 99:6 tE
t.useoP

tsorulE

roJ 'luaueg lenlnul rlerll roJ eJue o^rtf,npord aroru sr l,^d.o tq8ru eqt -rel;rp slqt osn puB 'splg.{pea pue spdo tq8ru se Jeqtoue auo tdecce Lldutts uer lcolc leuretur laql a8ueqc ol tlol;e etp o8aro; ot rISLt\ oq^\ sJoutred 'seruit esoqt Suunp leuonrunJ.!1n; eq ot larl Jo urq tcedxa nod aro;aq leIIrEe dn Suule8 ro re8uol dn SurLels Jeqtra ot lsnfpe ol etult oIDII e reutred rnol a,l.r8 'spro,ro. Jeqto ur 11.ra.o rq8ru er{} roJ Sururout Lpee eqr ur ernsodxa tq8tl ;o sl,ep Iere^es puB 'lprrq dpee eqr ro; rq8ru te ernsodxa rq8ll Jo sl'ep lere,tas apnlcu uec Sururerl 'alets tB st dtqsuonelar lleqt Jo alntnJ aqr uegan {1etc ol lseel lu to 'setcads qJlI.^AS ol sellesruel{l
-adse 'de,ro.prru Jegloue auo laeur

^lesrrard lcolc lEuJelul s(ErlrJ\


r=

plno^\ eqs q8noqtle '11e,t :aq


ero;eq rtlEu spoo; qrer-gFrr1

urer] ot alqrssodrur tou sr tr 'sselerlue^eN ')iroll s{Joqtotu rloqt ot Sulplof,JB drue;ur Suunp les ere,4d, slcolf, e^Itcedsar leql 'seIInuEJ IAo lt{8}u ruorJ aulor lqSru pue 'sprtq dFea;o selllruEj ulou eulof, uer30 sprtq ,!reE ol Puel
s1.tro

'orojeq

ere.^A

''{,i Perrua^o .&\ori sefnou aqs 'IOqJUE u sI EIllEj\


'uaog seq sLumle puE puElsi upue
'1.rrro

rg8ru e sI aIJIEC 'su::r

.(eqt ueqi JasolJ errle3 pue BIcJEt{ tq8norq raqlaSol 8ul1e,t pue regleSol Surdealg 'iri81u re Surlceus re8uoi ou sE^A eqs esnef,eg rq8re.u tsol pue 'ryon ol Suto8 aloJag tno 8ut1.to.r,r patrets etrJe3 're,Loelo14 'reqteSot s8ururotu eqi [ofua plno3 Blr]sl pu oI-IreC qtog 'snuoq peppe uB sV 'prlq d1.rea palra.t .uor e eruBrrq aqs '1no tq8ru sB aurItoJII s(erlJeO 3tldseq 'tou plP eIrlEC

saldnoc qJns lnq 'esnuorJrca,:

4rrguoJ qlr.u seldnoc lnog:

r::-. i.

lnq

'dea1s

Jo srnoq tq8re IInJ e Sunte8 pue rq8ru qre aruu rellutls B re peq ol

surqr.(qr Jloqt asnefeq arul_rr

Suro8 se qcns 'pooripllr{r ruo$ srrgeq deels poo8 petl Icretypaq ot 1nd aq o1 papaeu eurC ]Eqt BrrJBl\ ot pounrco r,upeq tI 'EIrretrAI Lq peuopueqe tleJ eL[s 'tr Surzrleer tnoqtr.{\ 'asneceg padolenap per1 soI]I^Ito rq8ru arel s,elrrO

sl^^O
'1,:: l-

'pallarEa; JalEI aqs

sartrlrtr rerlto aqt;o [ue ro 3un1c1e,u uorsrlelo]

.to Surtee

tq8lu-arel tnoqtl.{\

'tr18iu agl q8norqr deals ol elq sE^\ aqs erf,rl4 qrlln peq q eJIq \ 'erc;ery aro;eq daalse uale; 3ur.te11 'sllnser erus eqt t1t1.tr '1ae.lrl teqt ratel ure8e
L1;ee peq

ol Suro8 perlt eqs 'tuetuuedxa ue sy'tq8ru aqr Suunp dn

ue>lo,tr

tou

qfea qJunBI daql 'lrede '.r: :: -ued Suruorlrsuelt 1erfnlr a.:tsnq ere sLep lagr tlSnour ::
so,(a

s,:aqtoue ouo o.lur

::r:

pcrl eqs parrtou pue par{se{eJ eIo^\E er.rreC 'Sutuloru txeu eql 'If,q s,alrrO pelons.firue8 eqs 'dealse IIoJ eqs sV'arrreC lage rnoq ueJIeq poq ot tue^\ pu eurtnor aurrtpoq leurrou req peqsrurJ Brrretqerf,ll aro;aq ue.te-dlrea pog

'saloqo Sururoru Jroqt -]Lr a:;:: Sur8unol ;o turod E :Irlr -.


'S0^II JIaqi

ol luel( pu lue^e strods lueduroc E ur 8ur]edrcrtred Ja]E perB ,laruertxe se.tr aqg 'Surlseretur Surqtouros peJe^of,srp erJreO 'aoueqc dq 'rq8ru auo uegJ

i::

patceuuoc IeoJ ruaqt padlaq ::


e s InlIJ slril .t\s qlog ro f,ceqeu rarllre setlluaruos

'larr:'.
.

IeeJ
ee,lA

JIesJaq uI PetuloddeslP Pue snoIXuE (paq ot >lreq luo^\ d11uug aqs ueq^\ uelO 'trlSru orit Jo srnoq plno^\ orrre3

aql olur serlour qJlB^\ Jo :seJop erls rllrrl.& 'ruEaJJ ecr dpelnorlred 'spooy

'peap pue Surnq qloq 'sa-u;

:::

.bte; tea lsatrs ryomtau lBrcos eurluo lcaqc rqEnu eqs 'srretsu^\op sertrlurc

Aeql'apnrrre.r8

.rrarqt

\\ri:\:

SDNICNV] CNV SDNIH)NNVI

WIRED FOR LOVE


at nighttime and can perform mutually beneficial tasks, such as the family
bookkeeping or preparing school lunches for the kids, at night. Likewise, the early bird has more energy during the morning hours and can take on some

SEpenerIoNS Al KINo oF LAUNC


In addition to the
acr ot
,r
-:.

of the couple's morning tasks, such as driving the kids to school. Even so, night owl I early bird couples can, and should, open and close their days together with simple rituals.

EXTRCTSE: A WEEK OF RITUAL


Set aside a week during which you can experiment with creative launchin$s and landin$s. Make sure your partner is on board with the idea. You can say that you will be taking the lead, and all he or she needs to do is be available,

partner-whether to go ro \\'r-i type of launching. You and -,' relationship and into the non the amount of energy, conrii,
dealing with your parenrs, \-o;

final, and so on.

Similarly, much like e,.rr. after a separation, even a bri,

sit back, and enjoy the ride.


Here's how it works.

return home. Remember, r1-re : Hor,v you land and reunire .:


being in the home.

1. You can select any week of the year as your ritual week. However, yoll may want t0 avoid a week during which one of you has a business trip scheduled or another atypical event that might interfere. Choosing an average week will make it easier t0 subsequently apply what you discover.

How are launchings anc moment of separation, do vou

Do you gaze into 1lour partnc: After the separation, when i-i.
your partner's eyes. Or do \ou

2. During

the week, land and launch together. Think aboul what your partner

might enjOy. Perhaps include some activities that will be new t0 yOu as a

couple. I've suggested a variety of rituals in this chapter that you may want t0 try. But please don't be limited by my suggestions. Get creative!

the two of you hadn't been ap. Remember Noah and Isai
rituals? Because she is an rsian when she leaves in the nrorn::

3. Let each rilual be a surprise t0 your partner. Sometimes the element


surprise adds fun and excitement t0 a relationship.

0f

the other hand, complains abr

fidence in his interactions u'irl

4.

At the end of the ritual week, compare your experiences. Which rituals did

When Noah picks

Isab,ei,

you each likeP And whyP What did you learn about yourself and each otherP Decide together which rituals you would like to incorporate into
your relationship on an ongoing basis. Approach this as an experiment, but without critiquing each other. Pay attention t0 how each ritual affects both of you. Better sleepP Better dreamsP Better dayP

races to the car; then the_v hu:i

to face with his partner. Her

not. Because this couple don': car. It doesn't matter whar thr quence of failing to attune ic

that they have something r.. would remind you that our F..
can determine whether the th:

96

L6

dsruuoJp JollOB idoals .laua8

,{ud .reuto qouo Fulnbl}trt

J'r,

(esec srql ul 'lEaJ sI IEaJI{l eql Jeq}eq^\ eululJeleP UBJ aqt si tEaJI{] 3ql ^ldrms e,^A uEqt JatseJ senJ larql ot puodsar se^IlnulJd rno lql no,{ Puluer Plno^d I rng 'tqBB deqr [qa,r s(teq] pue 'tnoqe en8re ol Sutqlautos eAI{ daqr reqr on8re lq8ru no 'uoluneJ uodn rarltoue euo ol eunlle ot Surlre;;o acuonb tI teqt sI qtnJt agr lrnoge sl iq8g eI{} leq^\ Jellul l.usaoP lI 'ref,

-osuoo e sI

Olur aluJOdJ0cu! 01

alll

p|l10\., -

eqr ur rg8g {qelr^taut [egr 'dpadord e]runer l,uop eldnoc slql esneceg 'lou e^Bq eq pue er{s rng 'pepuq a,r.eg Leru aueldle reg 'raulred sn{ qll^{\ oJEJ ol aurn puads ot uoJJa ou selru eH 'eruoq Luntl laqr uerl] lrec eql ol secur
of,BJ

u3B0 puu ll0sJn0^ lnoqP LjJPI


prp spniu LlclqM 'soJltolJOti\r
-,1-

pue e8e33n1 ;aq sqer8 eq

'trodle arp re dn EIIaqESI qctd qeog ueqlN


'sraqlo qlJ^\ suollcBrelul slq uI ef,uePIJ

d tUSi:,i ,-t

.uor s{ci PuE

>lro1( tB ellrl^\ ssepsq Suqee; lnoge suteldruoc 'PUBI{

laqlo eql

J0 1UAU0l0 0Lll S0Ulll0tu0S -:tr,-,


iA\lIPOJC

ld3 'sU0ll\dp'Fllr

'

uo 'qeo51 'lentu Sulqrunel redord lnoqll^A Sururour aql uI se^al aqs ual{.^a Surqr[ue pesslul seq eqs laa] t(useoP EIIaqsI 'PuEIsI uB sI eqs esnreg lslenllJ Surue.ta pue Sururoru aJBI{s tou PP ot{,tt 'egeqesl Pu qEoN JaguteureU

,{uLu no,{

luql iolduLll slLlt t"t :

u s n0^ ol Mau oq lll\\ lPlil

::

JAUUBd Jn0^ lELl^\ lnoqp \Ll -,1 , 'JA\OJsrp

n0\ lptl\\

-.

noL;o on; ag1 211e le rrede uaaq l.uPq 'seda s,leulled rnod Jl se uo .&rec pue peluer8 roJ uoluner el{l aTl nod op rg olur lgauq azeB pue af,EJquro nod op 'e]IuneJ noL uerl.tr 'uolleredes eqi raUV 'roop aqt tno unr Lldurrs nod sdeqrad 16 ;seLa s,laulred rnod olut eze8 nod oq uer{t ra8uol roJ Jauud rnod acerqua no,{ op 'uorleredas Jo lueulolu lpuores oqt tV

oFpJa^u up Furs00Ll3'a.lJr..l.i-r -porl.)s drJl ssaulsllcl P (PL.

2drqsuoueler rnol, ur PelPuEI{ s8urpuel pue s8utgcunel ere ^\oH 'etuoq er{t ut Sureq

,{uu no,{ laAOMoH 'Iaat\ lPr- r

"'

aro11 1le'tl s(reqlo qree pue alqqnq eldnoe aql slcalJe elluner Pue PuBl nod 'drqsreutred aq] s? auoH 'euroq s? alqqnq eldnoc eql (Jeqrueulau 'auroq uJnleJ rnoL stuasardar l1 '8utpue1 ;o eddi e sI 'euo Jalrq B ua.te 'uotlBtdas e reSe

'olqulleAu 0q Sl 0p 0| Spitar :L
,{Bs uuc

JeutJEd rno.{ qur,r Surtrunar 'lq31u te deals o1

Suto8 e111 qcmu '{lepuls 'uo os pue '1eut3

no

'Papr orjt Llt!\\

i-r1,

sFulUcunul o^tlEoJc tlll

\\

lu'r.1,

a8alloc e ',trer,tralur qo[ e 'spr1 rnoA 'sre>po.troc rnod 'slueled rnoL q]r,u Suttuep
de.lo.e a.re

noL apg.rir 1ee; noL troddns puu 'ecueplJuoc 'l'8raua Jo lunour aql

rvnrru {c

trolJe uec srqt op noL ,'vrog 'ppo.ra, drqsuorleleJuou oql olul pue drqsuoilelar eL[] ruor; de,r,le reqto rlJee rlcunl rautred rnod pue notr 'Surqcunel ;o edl'r e se;o tq8noqt aq uEJ-reAeJeI{.lr Jo 'looqcs 'Iro^a ol oB ol reqlegaa-reulred rnol. uror; Surte.iedas 'Suturoru qcea dn 8ur1e.t'r Jo tre el{t ol uouIPP ul

sLep leqr asolo pu uadc 'p-: 'os ue^A 'loorlls or spr>1 ru- slnau : ettlos uo eIEt ueJ 'sfrI :PUE

aLIt 'esl^Aelt-I'rt13ru te
sB

DNTCTNYf ONV DNIH)NnV] fO CINI) UIHIONY :SNOINN:IU CINY SNOIIVUVd:IS


SDNIANV] CNV SDNIHf,NNV]

$ure; eqt

qlns 's4ser

1zt:--

WIRED FOR LOVE


'!7e aren't talking failure to take the time to re-attune after a separation' about large amounts of time. If Noah were to initiate a few minutes of together
time, I guarantee they could save themselves hours of flghting' Now remember Rebecca and Vince, who enjoy morning and evening rituals. These two also pay close attention to their separati.ons and reunions' \Welcome Home Ritual' When either For example, they do what I call the returns home at any time of day or night, both seek each other out before performing any orher tasks. They greet each other before greeting the chil-

Frrru GurorNc
The fifth principle of this book
use b edtime and morning r itual s.

As I've stated, this book

helping your partner. Of cours

will be met,

as well, because

However, the burden for findir


rests upon you. Two such oppor

until dren, pets, of guests in the house. They embrace and hold each other partner's body each feels the other relax. Because it's easier to feel tension in a
than in one's own body, they use this to their advantage. Rebecca points out
make to Mnce any places of tension she detects upon greeting him so he can an effort to release them. Vince does the same for her. Only after completing their welcome ritual do they go about their business. Not only they, but everyone in the household benefits from their attunement' I have seen many couples diffuse or resolve many conflicts by simply talc

and the other upon rising in th Here are some supportine

ing and landing rituals:

i.

You both benefit when r

sleep together everv ni

ing seriously the need for launching and landing rituals. We take too much
price for for granted when it comes to separations and reunions, and pay the not understaniling the natural human imperative to make and continually my remake secufe connections with our most important others. Don't take word for this. Check your own launchings and landings. Play with them. Perform them properly, and then improperly or not at all. Compare the differ'
ence. Experience for yoursel{.

One or the other of vo,. we discussed, one oi r'

flnd the time to pur vc,


turns on different nieh: put to bed.

2. Variety is the spice oi;r


program or movie tt

als for yourselves. For e:

i.:

course, this easil-v can':

EXTRCTSE: THT WTICOTVTE HOME RITUAL


time Today (or tomorrow) when yOur partner c0mes home from w0rk, take lhe until lookin$ keep eyes, t0 fully greet him 0r her. lf yoLr look into each other's ygll see ygur partner's eyes f6CUS and Soften. Don't stop until ygu

ing to you). Don't let rh movie theater, so dc.n: your partner during cn'.

intervals during the p::

each 0f

can

Other suggesrinn.

see that happen! lf you embrace, d0n't let g0 until yOu feel the other fully relax. N0 skimping permitted. lt's not a timed event. peaceNotice how yOu feel after this brief ritual. ls your household m0re
fulP l'll be surprised if you don't find everyone, not just the two 0f y0u, benefits:

a. Listen to an audi.radio. Tirrn the Ligb

b.

Pray together.

(\c

the kids, the dOg, the cat, even the fish!

c. Spend time quieti',' ful and fun. It car-

9B

66

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'pa1JaLru@ Kpls oi. 'slpnflr.

IoIllIe uarllN 'lEntlu etuoH

'suoluneJ pue suorlEledes rrr'-' Sutue.te puu Sururour dofua , 'Sunq8r;;o s:n-.-.
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WIRFD FOR I,OVF


d. Read to your partner.

When was the last time someone read to

day or a longer trip, m..1

you or you read to someone? Caution: reading to your partner can

off. Make ele cohr?ur.

put him or her to sleep, so if that's not your intent, consider choos-

Gelings for c,ne anorl^.i:. ner's tank to the brinL. peak.

ing something else to do. Tickle your partner's back, draw pictures on your partner's back,
or play the "guess what word I'm writing on your back" game. Do

'

this in the dark so it's a bedtime transition.


Give your partner an orgasm. It's good for health and for the rela-

tionship. Your partner having an orgasm can give you a contact high. Endorphins, oxytocin, and vasopressin flow into both partners' bloodstreams, making you feel connected. Orgasms also are
a great muscle relaxant and antianxiety remedy.

Suggestions for morning rituals include:

a. Make breakfast (in bed, or not) for your partner. Alternatively,


you can go out for breakfast or to a favorite coffee or tea shop.

b. Lie in bed together and gaze into your partner's partner with a loving "Good morningl"

eyes. Greet your

c. Quietly talk with your partner about the day and what each of you will be doing, facing, or accomplishing. Use this time to remind one another of tasks, appointments, or agreements concerning
this day only. Make plans for the nighttime. Agree to meet in bed
at a certain time.

d. Give each other orgasms. This can work especially well as part of your morning and evening rituals if you and your partner have opposing sexual arousai patterns ("I want sex at night, and he wants it in the morning"). This way each gets what he or she
wants,

5. Wherever one goes, the other goes. For partners who share a couple bubble, this is true emotionally, even when it isn't always the case physically. It's kind of like running a three.legged race: if one person
falls, the other can't go anywhere. So you want to work as a team and

hold each other up. \7hen it comes time to separate, whether for the

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CI

The Go-l to Remai

One

nieces and nephews whenete:

in love. But cn; both Brian and Marsha ret.::. leagues, and even on oca.-.:: l
are very much

tomed to going to others ou::::.

intimate details about

ther:rse-

person for the other. Both ha,,'e

mation to which the other

u.,

One night as they're .ii::r.and says, "'W'ho is the girl I s.,,,,

Brian looks up, surprisej.

Marsha eats two mouthi* photo of you with this u'oma:"You hal a green plastic :up . Look, I don't care. I just u'ant :

Brian sets his fork dog n, uorking. You looked at )'oLr ::


that site."

'

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9 UlrdVHf

WIRED FOR LOVE


"I do," Marsha acknowledges. "You don't have to know everything about
me, do you?"

"\7ell, there are certair-r i:ri


open books." \il/e therapists keep an ea:

keep things private, too. I thrr,.


says

"Nope,"
woman?"

Brain. "You're right, I don't."


says Marsha, "who's

They eat in siience for a few moments. "So,"

that

Brian gives a short laugh. "You don't have to know everything about me,
either," he says, "do you?"

of things being kept prir ait :. tionships, which is char.iLrc:ti.

years, Marsha has been conr;, ::

For a second Marsha looks taken aback. Then she joins his laugh. And
the issue is dropped...at least for the time being.

crisis is pushing her to seek :.n

"'Why can't
persists.

I kno*- rl-re
-

"They understar-rd thir-i:s

THE BESTTTTS OF FEETTNC TETHERED TO ANOTHER PTRSON


I mentioned, trouble has been brewing for Brian and Marsha. It finally surfaces after she loses her job as VP of marketing during an economic downBut
as

' "They're guys, for Pete's sake.

"I don't get it,"

savs

\1arsi,.c..

"There you go. I rest n..


sense

What this couple lacks :. :. of securitl,-2 feelini :te-, l=-,-:..:

turn. Suddenly the life she seemingly breezed through is filled with uncertainty. She finds herself second-guessing her career choices, relationship security, even the decision not to have children. Talking with her usual circle of friends doesn't provide the level of support she needs. Perhaps the worst part is that, for the first time, Marsha and Brian find themselves constantly
quibbling.

secure base from which such a way

that-as u'ith

:l :i..-:.

feel a level of cornfort ani s.: nights. Marsha and Brian * :


don't benefit from the prLrr..isionally give lip service to
tl-Le :-

"I feel like I can't talk to you," she says. "I can talk to my sisters and my best friends. !7hy not you?"
One answer to Marsha's plea might be the simple difference that Brian is
Marsha's primary attachment partner. This makes him "deep family" in a way

they aren't free to go ro


might be on their minds.

trr-

others are not.

quickly find out

If Marsha were to marry one of her best friends, we would if she could still talk as easily as she would like. Things change when a person is elevated to primary attachment status. However, it
could also be that Brian himself makes it difficult for her to talk to him. "Of course you can talk to me," says Brian with as much sincerity as he can muster. "You can talk to me about pretty much anything."

WHAT MATTTRS
T.r be sure, mosr of us hesir :

other person, if not earlv in

i:i.
--

"So then why don't you tell me stuff about yourself?" counters Marsha, putting aside her own pressing issues for the moment. "I know you keep things from me-things you tell your best buddies."

of mine once told me thar pe had traveled to this place ..: lament, if any, was about thei: : were sorry, or told sonreonc ... cioser. So if you're amons :

104

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du pue sretsts .{tu ot IIEI

r::

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a>111

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tnoqe 8urgr.(Jele .^aoul or a-\:'.

lurqr

'ale,u,rd dael or

sEurqr ulBuaf, are araqt '11a16,,

lrdo3d oI-oD lHJ

WIRED FoR LOVE


relationships, I challenge you to interview people who are elderly or even visit folks on their deathbed. Ask them what mattered most in their life.
Philosophers have written extensively about the basic questions facing all

WInEo FoR TETI


can set us up for easy tethering..

In addition to the role pla.,',

human beings: !7ho am

I?

Where did I come from, and where will I go after


alone?

I die? Does life have meaning? Am I ultimately

and researcher on romantic lor-e.

How do we deal with such questions? Historically, people have relied on


a range of philosophical, mythic, and religious narratives to provide answers

2005) report that during couri,


neurotransmitters and hc,rmone
as the uentrdl tegmental

in the face of fundamental uncertainty. More recently, we have turned to psychiatry and psychology and pharmacology for answers, or at least to feel better in the meantime. Sweat lodges, meditation, climbing mountain peaks,
and trekking to the North Pole are among the means used by seekers. But what really do we have to sustain us as life becomes more complex
and losses mount as a natural consequence of living longer? Perhaps it is being

of the same areas of the brain ::

sls2

(r,'"'h

in romantic love. This accounr: the infatuation phase of a reL:: mine are plentiful in the inia:'.
mitter, is in low supply. Hence romantic love.

tethered to at least one other person who is available at our beck and call; one person to whom we can reach out, whom we can touch, and by whom we can be touched in return. I submit to you that the most powerful sustenance available to us is another person who's interested and who cares. He or she serves

beli:phase-notabh anci. - . setrled serotonin is produced. Ther a:t


Couples who make it

our go-to person, the one individual we can always count on to be there for us. Being available in this way is perhaps the most valuable gift you can give
as

another.'$7e could

sa-v

the\' ?-:.

wave partners, on the othei :-. These couples remain an\i( -.: : and do not easily and u'rlirnsi,,

your partner.

in

In early childhood, our go-to person hopefully was our primary caregiver. adulthood, the go-to person should be our primary partner. Unlike our

early caregivers, our adult partner relies on the benefits oftethering in exactly

the same way we do; that is, equally and mutually. In other words, whiie our early tethering was one-way, or asymmetric, our adult tethering should be
symmetric.

EXERCISE:

Go
Before you commit to berng tirt

If you are an anchor you already know all of this, so please bear with me. If you are an island or wave-especially what I've termed (in chapter 3) a wild island or wild wave-we have some chatting to do. The idea of tethering is problematic for you, isn't it? If you're an island, you probably don't believe
much in tethering. After all, you are good by yourself, and others can be such

helpful to take a look al !oLr :, you related to $o-to people as a


the 8o{o person in Vour currer

If you're a wave, you believe in tethering, but it's a rather childish and one.way kind. You want to be tethered, but you either don't expect it in return or are unwilling to give it in return.
a bother.

1. Ask yourself, to nhonr il


momenl and lhink abou:

far as you can remembrr. a Parent, which Parenl


t,,

106

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r{Jns ag UEJ sJarlto pue }1es:no.' e^erleq r,uop [lqeqord no.i 'pur
sr Sur.rerltet ;o eepl erll 'oF cr pl1^,\ B (t retdeqc ur) peurrar a-''.1

'dlrlsuorlule,r luoJJnJ tno,{ ut uos;ad 0}0F oqt

Futeq Ltrcuordde no{ MoLl ocuonljul lllM pllllc u su e;doed oroF ol petule; no,{ Mor] tuLll oJu socupu3 'sacuauedxe ,{1tea u,uo ;no,{ le I00l P olul ot Inldleq purl Auut noA ;aul;ud rno,{ .to1 uosad 0l-0F oql Fuloq 01 }ltutuoc no{ e;o;eg
1r

'eut qtr^r reaq eseeld os 'siqt

lc

]]do:ld OJ;OD

cooH(IllH:)

tno ::tsI))IlxI

aq plnoqs Suueglel tlnpe in., rno ofr{,,ll\ 'sPJo^\ larlto ul '\-tE -

rno

[pcexe ur Suueqlel;o s]l_+aual aIIFn 'reutrBd irerur.ll :


':anr8a;eo A.terutrd lno
s.\1

.\ly-.:

'reqto qoea ro; eldoad ot-o8 se a,r'ras d18utt1t,tr pue {tsea lou oP PUB 'dpadord rerltet ot alq l.uere [eql lpatuolr Pu snolxue UIBU]aJ seldnoe eseqJ 'snelcnu atlder a.utce ssel e e^q ol puet 'pueg rel{}o eqt uo 'sleuJ-Ied a,teal
puB Pu]sl 'reqtou euo L[]r^(r raqlel o] PerI^\ ar deqr Les plnoc alN 'roqlouB auo qtr^\ xeler pue u.{\op tulJ dylpear or alge ere Aaq; 'pecnpord sI uluoloJes

a,!3 uec noL g13 elqen1e.\ rsoril


roJ erer{t eq ot uo
ssAJeS eqs Jo

tunor

s.ie.n1r

aH

's0JB3 oq.\\ p-irr

a:et4ll''sna1cnu ay4nt eArJJ eroru B

elel{-storlcue

Llqelou-eseqd Pallles
'3AOI JBUurOJ

'oJnros alour otur pue esegd drgslrnoc aql puo,(aq tl sleur og.r,r saldno3

uf,

-IJE^E acueuatsns lnyra,nod rso': uoq.r,r Lq pue 'qcnol ur:


eA\ l11ec

euo

pu >paq rno tE alqEIrE

Sureq sl rr sdeq.ra,1 ;:e8uo1 au:'.r

xeydruoc alour seuroJeq o-Ili

sE

;o lradse parrJo.r\ pue 'snorxue 'a,l,tssesgo eql ecueH 'Llddns ,!L0l uI sr 'ra111ur -sueJtornau Sururler 'uruotoJas 'urerq palentBJul aqt u1 1n;pue1d aJe eulul e;o aseqd uoItBntBJuI el{l
-edop pue eurlBueJpeJou q8noqlly 'dlqsuorrelar
Jo Jrtsrle]f,Ereqc os sartrlenb e^rtcrppe aqt JoJ stunorce

'sre{eas dq pesn suEeul


's>1ead

sIqJ 'a^ol sltueulor uI

urelunotu Surqunl: 'u-.r:


'sJo.trsue :o-r
-

IeeJ

ol lsEal lE Jo

pete^rlr ere osle '(pecnpord sr aururedop ereqat) ea:r- loluau8ai lDJ,ruaft egl se qcns 'sror,teqeq uorlrrppe ur pe^lo^ur ere tEI{l uIJq eqt Jo sBeJE aruus eql Jo auros 'aururedop pue eurleueJpeJou sE r{Jns 'seuouuoq pue slalllulsuBJloJneu

ol Peurnt e^Eq e^\ 'd1tue:a: a sral(sue eppord ol senrtellEu ;


uo perlal e.teq eldoed '.!1ecr:ot.
louo]E
.'"

drotetrcxa ur qsE^\E eJE surerq ,seldnoc 'drqstrnoc Suunp leqt lrodar (ggg7 sen8eelloc raq pue 'elol ouuruor uo reqcreser PUB u^dorg pue 'uory 'raqsrg) 'lou ro"'Suueqlet [sea rol dn sn ]as uec rsrSolodorqrue IErJos e 'ragsrg ualoH

rage oB I III^\ ereq^\ pue


11e

'uror.r
1r.,.

urerq eqt 'sle.tr8erec Lreunrd dpea rno.{q pa.{e1d alor eqt or uoEIppE uI

Surce; suousanb clsEq eqt

'eJll JIOI{I uI rsolu Pai


JIsIA

DNrU:IHJEI rOJ CIUIAA


]]do]d OI-OD lHI

uela ro d1;ep1a are or{,\\ a{j

WIRED FOR LOVE


2. See if you can recall any specific incidents, however small they mi$ht have been. Perhaps you had a ni$htmare and called for your mother.
Maybe she trrought you a glass of warm milk. 0r perhaps you g0l a b00boo on the nursery school playground, and the teacher took you inside

Brian is 100 percent faithful to


about his friendships with other enough, and therefore he rvouli harmless they might

be-if

she '

and put some ointment on it.

In a secure relationship'

:-.
.

3. As yoLr recall ihese incidents, see if you also can remember t0 what degree you felt safe with yOur g0-t0 people. could you count on themp 0r
were there iimes when your g0{0 people let you downP Perhaps a particular g0{0 persOn who repeatedly let you downP lf s0, were you able to
fincl a new g0-t0 person with whom you felt saferP

having to do with moner, s-r t threat ro one's partner-i' :


based on mutuality agrec

t:J' know each other. Their gLrai :: : ship. Even if this is not fr':::r-: truly are with each other. Tl.',
and grant permission to
be go-to people for each

4.

Finally, ask yourself what your relati0nship is tOday with the most important g0-t0 people from your childhood. Are you still in clOse toLtchP Do you

ln this sense, they have j n . - ::


lslands and wave'. many different people.

'h.:.

still go to them for anYthingP

o:r-: r'r -r-:

\c' : r.. perhaps in the case of o . .,".


primary partner
as a

coni:: :.:.

A MTNO TO KNOW MTNE


Childhood is not elective. Our earliest relationships are not chosen by us, and 'We can't demand that they be fair, we do not get to decide how they function. 'We can't demand our that they be just, that they be sensitive to our needs. earliest relationships include caregivers who want to know who we are and everything about us. In adulthood, howevef, our relationships are elective. At least that's the case for most of us in the'\?estern world. We get to choose our '$7e can demand these relaparrners and how our reiationships wili function. tionships be fair, that they be just, and that our partners be sensitive to our needs. \il/e can also expect that our partners will want to know who we are
and everything about us. But here's the rub: do we actually u/dnt someone to

do islands and waves dtr lh:.

primary attachment staiu: i'--provocation bY that frlrillc: -.-

want to avoid this. By contrast, let's l.'rii ..: : everything, no matter hr*,-' ::,:gets them into trouble.

I WILL TTLL \.C't


Eden and David have e.: Naturally, simply making thr. :
tee either will do the vow, because

know everything about

us?

If you're an island, like Brian you're probably thinking, "Shouldn't some things be private?" In an insecure relationship, the automatic answer would be yes. It would make sense to keep to yourself anything that might cause trouble with your parrner or jeopardize the sense of being able to do whatever
you please, with whom you please, whenever you please. For example, although

it at all tLm.: they both k:


r

not tell anyone else somethtns'"


go to an individual therapi': partner is not privy. Neither
r'.'-

acquaintances, and reveal an'':

108

60r
q8noqrle 'aldtuexe rog 'ese:i: re^atBrl,4(\ op

'.t\ou)I l(usooP reulJed aql SunI^uE IEe^eJ Pue 'sacuelurenbce ^Peelle [prue; ro 'spueu; ro 'ur8uo;o raq ro srq o] oB 1p,,rr reqlreN 'L,Lud tou sr reutred aqt qcrq.& lnoqe Surgtetuos roq ro urrq IIot pue lsrde.regl lenpr^lpul ue ol oB III^\ reqtreN'reutred eqt Sururro;ur tsrrj tnogtr.^A

ot elge Suteq l,-

:.

plno^\

asner lq8ru reqt 3urr1: \ur :': arjJaA\suB SIleUIOlnE

III^\
o1

suEeur

rl puv

'lla^a rueqt salJas

tI

^eqt rer{to eqr P]oq IIr^\ rpBa uEaru seop tr tng 'sauru IIe tB tI op IP!\ rar{lra eel
tr ueour t.useop asnuord stql Surletu Lldruls 'L11ernle51

^\oul

Sutqlatuos asla auo.{ue IIet tou qtog,(aql esneceq '.tro^ eql

eruos liuplnogg,, '3ur1ut''1, .-:

-ueren8 ro 'Lsee oq lllr ,,'3un1t[ra.ta noL

,.
.

llel ip^l L, ,ro^ aq] ua{Bt qcea e^Eq pr^EC puE uopfl

)NTHJ,\UIA:I

nO

111I

ol euoeuros luDot dllEntr'-- : orB e,r\ ot[.r ,r\ou>I o] lu:,i lno Ol eAIllsUaS Jq :l:u:-:Jno esoorlJ ol lo8

lrrM

-eleJ aseqt puetuaP uEt t.'r..

_
'_
_

alty:i

\.

'a]qnon otur ruaqt ste8

pu JrB
'r1e3 aq

lV 'e^rlrele a;e sdrq;- :-.':\\Ou) _


J,ry\

OL{^\

Jno PueuaP l.uBl


deqr

3.\ '!:::_ ;-:


._

tr Joqteq.&\ jo sselpreSor pue 'oq,{eru tegt llncr.lJlp ,4d,or{ Jeneru ou '8un1tl;aae raqto rlJee 1ar or peer8B e^Bq ogar eldnoc E tE {ool s.tal '}senuoJ ^g 'slq] plo^B ol lue,^d

letp FuEu:: - ':, :

pue 'sn Lq uasoq: .1,'-

ot

[er1] asrnoc Jo puv 'pll,n unr eelep8drue lagt 'reutred reql [q uor]econord tsetq8rls eqt tV 'snore8uep uos;ed teqt se>lru sntels lueuqf,Ele ^Jurud op sal^\ pue spuBISr op
euoeuros Surle.tele 'seLe

leql ur esnef,ag lsnlt

dqr11'(1enpp1pul terlt ot Burrltl,ra,r.a silot pu 'atuepr;uoc e se rautred Lreruud Jaq Jo srrl uerlt reqto euoaruos sasoor13 oq^\ aA^\ e Jo asEO eqr ur sdegrad

rdacxa) uraqt tnoq Surqtlra,r.e s.uou) uosrad euo oN 'aldoed luare;1p duetu Suowe se^lesrueqt pea.lds ue4o 'pueq reqlo er{t uo 'se.tem pue spuelsl 'rerlto qcea ro; eldoad ol-o8 aq
-J0clLUr

no^ o0 6lllcnol asoll Lr _: lsout dril rllt\\ : l

01

0lqB n0^ a"io\\ '0s 1l - ..,,'

-red e sdeqlod iu\\ot


J0
lPtl
ir.uOr..li

u0 ]Ltn0l t101 :.
rrl'

-,

\ 0l JAqUidllld.l

o1 ear8e ,{aqr puy 'au1Lu o"bourl 01putlu p rarito qceo ur ea.eq l^aqr 'esues srqt uI (purru 'uoIlEAJaseJ sr aJqs ol uorssruuad luu$ pue rraql uo JalaleqA\ lnoqlrn\ rarltoue euo ot sa^lesureqt 1lB^ Leql 'rer{to rlJea r1tr.,n e:e Llnrl ^]ateldruoc laqt oqm aq uer [eqi 'p1.ro,r ap]stno oqt ur elqrssod rou s] s]rlt Ji ua^fl 'dlqs -uoulal aql urqtt.{\ se^lasureqt eq ot qtoq rol sr leo8 raqJ '.reqto qJEa ^\ou1 ,!1n; daqt Jl ernres orour puE reJES IeeJ 1p,rn [eqt eer8e Llrpn]nu uo peseg drgsuouelar B ur sJeuued 'elrlJnpoJdrelunoc sr-raulred s.auo ol lueJql elqe^raJuoc lue ua.te Jo 'sJua.te ]n;etueqs '[]rlenxas 'Lauoru qtr^\ op ot 8ur^Bq Jarllar{iA-sluerulredruoc ale,Lrrd Suruielureru'dnlsuorleler eJnces E uI 'uaqf paLolue eq rlrmu .^d.orl pera^oJsrp aqs Jr-aq rq8rur Larll ssalureq

aprsur n0I

1001

-00q E lOF noi srlurl.rorl

JOtltPit ri.l ,r

Joqlou Jno,{ JoJ


lLlFlru

re,la,trog-sdlqspuerg asorp dn a,r.r8 ot a^eq plno^\ aq eJoJererlt pue 'q8noue urlq ]snrt t.useop eqs prUB sr eH 'ueruo,^A reqlo qrrm sdnlspuerg srr{ tnoqe sletap urEtref, req ruog sdael eq 'eqsreyrq ot InJqtlBJ tuecrad 00I $ uerrg

llt?uJS .lo \J \\r_

^oql

: pallpt :.,: i; .,

,,

lrdord oI-oD lHJ

WIRED FOR LOVE


"I had a weird experience today, and I'm afraid it makes me seem like a bad person," Eden says as she sits on the toilet with the door open, talking to
David, who's combing his hair. I know this may sound strange and even
a

Rather than reacting and security.

:,-:: :

bit disgusting, but in my expe-

rience as a couple therapist, I have found that partners who

fear-how to do

AuxILIAR\
One way ru thir.i
sent two separate

FF--

delicately?-going to the bathroom in front of each other also fear telling each other everything. I haven't done any hard research on this; it's simply anecdotal evidence. Certainly, plenty of partners who don't tell each
say this

other everything have no such inhibitions. But the reverse seems true enough.

I've also found this to be the case for partners who fear breathing on each other or anything else that feels too private. But let's return to our couple.
"Yeah? Tell me about it," David says with interest.

l'r.,::... -. tional brain into nhi;l- - l help me to lrork thir.:. . : ..

as an extension of n-ii .

.,,

-.

"l

was

in line at the market behind this old woman who

was realiy

unkempt. She smelled. I thought, 'How does a person get like that?' Really, it was repulsive. I almost shifted into another line to get away from her. But then
she turned and gave me a warm smile as she put down one of those dividers

J.;.:.-.. This notron r-ri r.\r. : . - Donald Winnicurr rl j: viding a shared-nrinl -: ,:.
elude nre if I uere
. :

psychic space olrnrar-, ..: -- therapy. and ir'. an

to separate her food from mine. I felt really ashamed of myself. She was so sweet. And I had no clue. Has anything like that happened to you?"
"Nope," David replies flippandy. "But my day was uneventful. I just masturbated and waited for you to get home." They both laugh.
"You are so weird," says Eden. "Yeah, but I'm your weird," he says. 'And don't you forget it."

inr: :.-

Quite simpi-v, nvo b:-.,::., effect, lend and horr, : - at least momentrrili

l-q. :.. more than eirher couli ., .

'i

comes in handy rvhen

ac:::.: How might this ltok.

"I love that we can

say things like this to each other," says Eden.

Take the example rrr Z:.:':


ple who tend to argr,re ab,,,r,

On another occasion, after coming home from work, Eden informs David that a coworker came on to her at the office. She doesn't mention his

I !

not because

she's

withholding information, but because

nameshe knows it won't

reeking of cigarettes.

"Did you smoke again.


"Yeah, Idid," Zane

particularly matter to David. In fact, he jumps straight to a different question. "What did you do about

r.:.r,'
.-.',

"Zanel" Bobby snaps.


"Yeah, I know I smell,"

"I told him I'm happily married," Eden replies, giving David

a kiss.

"l

thought you \\creT:

"How creepy," David continues. "Is he going to be a problem?" "No," says Eden. "Don't worry. I can handle him."
Because this couple are accustomed get straight to the point, which

plaintively.

to telling each other everything,

"No, I never said that. Yi I would try not to do it aroun,


we agreed."

they don't spend time entangled in jealousy or issues of trust. They are able to

in this case is Eden's comfort level at work.

"Yeah, yeah," Bobb,,, mutt,

110

III
'srellnul
^qqog,,'t1ee,('t1eatr,, a,u ,,'Paar8e oP ol lou '>lro^{ lE ie^el uoJruoc s.uepE
s

ot elge a;e deql'tsnnjo

sonssl

[r]

PIno^A

'Surgtdrena reqto r{f,Ea 3ur11at


,,'rulr{ elF ,,2rualgord e aq ot 8ur 'ssrl pr^BC 8ur,u8 'sar1j

teilt uO 'plp I ueq^\ tI lnoge eII lou pue noL Punore ll I ireqr pres nol 'leql
prEs ID

'aue7 san8re ,,'eeJ8 l,uPiP

pres renau 1 'o51,,


'L1a.tuute1d

tnoq op nol, ptp tegl(\,, .uous: l(uo^{

sLes ]Etll oP ol Suto8 l,uera,u nod rg8noql 1,, ,,'eJotu[u ^qqog 'eue7 sles ,,'11atus I .t\ou>l I '98e,L,, 'sdeus dqqog ;euuz, I'qea ,
'.\qsrdeeqs satldar euEZ,,'PIP
's1se dqqog ,,2ute8e ajours no,( plCL,

lI

s.4Aou{

3qs ssneleq l:.:


'>1:o.\\

'seglareBrc;o Eutlaar auroq


a1d

-eLuBu

srq uorlueur tjuseoF a-j

Pl^C stuloJul uapA

ruc::

-noc xas-eules

.8urlolus s(euEz tnoqe enSre ()1 seruoJ eueT Surue,te aug Puel oq.,u Sullteuos.dllql e 'lqqog PuB euBZ;o eldtuexa aq] aIeI

/{ool sqt rqHtu.uoll


'reqto l{f,Bo;o s.te8eueru lueladruoc se Surlce uaqm I'pueq uI seurof,
oslE

'uepE sLes ,,'leqto q:i: ,,'l] le8ro; noi r.-.--:

srrll

.uratsLs sno^Jau pue urBrq euo

{uo qtu\ Plnol laqlle uql

eroru

-seu

1sn[

I 'lnJ]uolaun

SE..r..

,.:!l
-:

qsrldurocce ot f]rcedec aqf Suueq Pu aroul Surruoceq ,\peluautour lseol lE pue puei 'lce,i;a ,{qaraql 'stuatsLs sno^reu puB sulErq a,r.rlcadsal rleql ^\orloq ur 'uef, srautred Pareqlel 'auo uErll rollaq er sulerq o.^d.l tldurs artn$ 'elqqnq aldnoc E eJeqs oq,Ll sraulred ro; ryed luelrodutr u s(ll pue tderaqr
roJ elqenp^ se,t aoeds Pultu-Petqs

,,/nod ot pauadJr.;- rt

sIqI

perer{s eqt ot

peuelil eg eceds e 'sluarled sFI roJ

'reqloru PuE luBJuI Jo aleds eceds puru'pareqs Surpin

crqc'(sd

os se,r eq5 31as,{tu lo Frlu: -'-: srePl^lP Jsotll Jo euo u.\\.,': -- uar{t lng 'JJIJ ruoU .(e ne r+: _ :

tl '^lleag {lteqt e{}] ta6

uc.:::

d11ea; sezn oq,4d uuto-\\

f't

j:'

-ord;o acuetrodtur eqt ur Pe^aIIeq'ls{eueoqc[sd e '(1961) ]lorluull'X\ PIEUoC 'aJuEJsuI Jol 'A\au lou sI pulur s.Jeqloue olur Surpuedxa Jo uollou sIqI 'ulerq pep^\oJr u.^Ao .ftu uo luapuadap era.r,r I JI aru aPnle

'ls:.1:,

'aldnoc Jno ot uJntel s t?- -:.:


L[cBe

rqSru teqr surelqo;d ot suorlnlos a^rtearJ purJ ot umo lur Jo uolsue]xa uE s urerq s(reutred 8uqp.u. dru esn uec 1 'Le,t sql ul '1no s8unll {ro't ol eui dleq ot uretq Lrerlxne.Io pu]{ e ,puedxe uec slq8nogr lru qcrq.tr o]ul ulBrq IBuoIl
-lppe ue 8ur^teq urou llJeuaq uec
-arder
1

'q8noue onJt sluoes esla-\el

'lalemoq 'uoUO 'sulerq eleredas o^\l lues


nboul 01 PuluL
B

pue .reulred dry :srtp

au1Lu

Jo

lulql

ol

.(e.Lt

auo

qlBe IIal l,uoP orl.\1 s(ll :srql uo

uo Surqrearq ]aJ cs.1.,. :: ;'j- s::u-.r:::


r{3JEesel FIE---

."._:
_

reJ oslE Jer{to LIIEe Jo

ru,t::

SNIVUfl AUYI]IXNV
.Ltunoas pue [reJes req Sururguoc uo pasnJoJ sI PI^BCI

oP ol .^d.oq-lB3J oq.\\ sloi:-:: _ -adxa Ltu ur 1nq '3ur::n.=i:; - _ .

'tea;ql;o ]no Surlcear ueql ]eqleu

or 3ur41er 'uado roop aqr L'- | aIr] uleas eur solEru lt !:n_::

lrdord oJ-oD lHI

WIRED FOR LOVE


Though this may not sound like a good resolution, the fact that Zane didn't hesitate to admit what he had done is in keeping with their agreement to tell each other only the truth. It provides a basis from which they can work together, in a shared-mind space, toward Zane's smoking cessation-if that is in fact what he really wants.

assuming Dad would har-e tc ir is so much better."

EXERCISE:
This one is for those of \oLt
\,,

Or take a different example. Charlotte and Toby, a couple in their late fifties, find themselves with increasing responsibilities for two sets of aging parents. Late one night, after they have gone to bed, Helen receives a phone call from her father, who explains that her mother fell in the bathroom and is now on her way to the emergency room with a suspected broken hip. Charlotte gets dressed, then wakes Toby. "Mom needs me," she says, and explains she is driving to the hospital. She kisses him goodbye, but Toby is swinging his feet to the side of the bed. "I'm coming with you." "Really?" she says. "I thought you have an early meeting." "Don't worry, I'll call in if it looks like I might be late," he says. "You'll have your hands full with your dad at the hospital, especially if your mom
needs surgery."

ingir" You probably resporrd i

unless you are brain dead. tl you're game, try this little e\r
.1.

Agree that you and roLrr

ing it, "What are \oLt li

2.

The other musl ans\\er i'

worry al]out signiircar:rthat. lf you're thinking


a

3. Practice until both oi \r:rt


So why do lhisP Because

"Oh,"

'At

Charlotte. "Dad's still at home." home?" Toby echoes, shooting her a look that says, "'What are you
says

it isn't up to you to decide uh; the beans with little lhings. t


something bi$ comes along.

thinkingl"
"Mom went in the ambulance," she explains. "It was too much for Dad to
manage with his walker."

"So that's what

I'11

do," says Toby, pulling on his jacket.

"'What?" asks Charlotte. "You mean go there?"

"I'll take the spare key and let myself in. If he's sleeping, I won't disturb him. But if he's up-or when he gets up-I'll make sure he takes his meds and
has something to eat. Then

THE 24/7 Acnru


As we discussed in Chapter l.

I'll bring him to the hospital."

"Yes," says Charlotte, quickly getting onboard with the plan. "That would be so helpful. And if there are any new developments with Mom, I'11 text you

right

an agreement to put the rela They agree to abide bv the p


agreements they can make rc

away."

"I'11 be

napping on the sofa if your dad's asleep."

one another.

Charlotte fishes in her purse and hands Toby the spare key to her parent's
house. "What would

related agreeiT mear.

I do without

you?" she says, shaking her head.

"I

24 hours a day,7 days a u-eeli.

was

When

say 2417,1

line to the other. In other lr'oi.

r12

4""
(sPJo.^d

:',': :-. l:r{lo eql IiBs ol sluB,^d. reullBd euo JI '^llrelll -r r -i l; e _ '(olue lsnul roulrBd qrA

1I uelu l

ral{lo uI 'Jal{lo eql ol aull 'LlbZ 1\BS I ueqlA.

sE^\

'>lae1( s^Bp

'^eP E srnog

tz

L, 'per{ Jer{ Surlegs

's.ies

s,tue.red.rarq

ot [a1 areds aqr .rq.


,,'daa1s

noL txat II,I

'urot\ qllm stuaru


,,'.1elrdsoq aq

r?qlo 3ql ol elqellE^ eq lI^\ qJBe lql sI luaureer8B PelEIaJ V'rerllou euo sluallleal8E ot e{EuI uBJ ic] uoslad ot-o8 aqt s e^Jes ot sr tno stql ^er{} ^lreJ lilrrads eqr Jo euo ..']srIJ euloc elN,, aldlculrd aql Lq eplqe ol eerEe [ag1 Surqrdrele PuB Surqilue ero;eq drqsuollular eql rnd ol luaurear8e ue
'as1a

otur retua elqqnq eldnoc B alerc oq.r,r sraulred '1 rerdeq3 uI

POSsnf,sIp e't,i

sV

plno^\ tBrl1., 'ueid eqr !11,n p:er


puB sPeru srq salBt aq arns aIE'

IN:IWT:ITCY L/VZ

THI

qrntslp tiuo^A

'8urdae1s s,eq:1
,, iSill 'le4eeI stil uo

ol
'Fuolu saLuoo Flq Futqteuos
ueq,m ,{1uedo OlBclunuuoc

'su PBC IoJ I{JnuI ool sE.,r l],,

0l J0lsuo oq lllM l! 'sFu!Ll] 0lllll tlllM suuoq

Oql

no,4.

are teglA., 's.{es leqr 4oo1

Euilltds 0l posn e;u noA ll 'aJutls 0l luunalal s,lut.lM oplcop 0l noA 0l dn l,ust lt suuoru JOUTJd ;no,{ Ull,r,t puttu u0d0 uu FulAuLl osnuso8 isltll 0p ,{q,u og
',{Bs ot luqnt lnoqu

Fuuulrll lnoqllM puodsor uuc

no,{ }0 q10q

'8 lllun ocllcuJd

ruoru rno[;1 dlplcadsa 'letrdsc

1,no ,, 's,{es aq

,,'are1 aq

lq;ru.i1:
e

'tutlt ,4us 'lspol luJnq lnoqe Furlurql er,no,{ Jl 'tuLlt


,{es 'eoqs rno,{ FulAt lnoqu Fullultll ar,no,,i ll 'ecueclltuFls lnoqe ,fu;ont 'Z l,u0p puV 'll lnc l,uoM ,,?utLltottt,, 'uollpllsotl lnoqllm JoMSUE lsnu Jatllo ot]l

,,'Suttaeu:

eqr Jo epls eql or raa; srq Eu:.-

,,cFuuurqt no,4 aru lellM,, '11 Fu! Jcadxa lsual srJ0ql0 aql uoLlm'ISp ;1t,m;eugud rno,{ puu no,{ tutlt aoJFV

'I

pue 'sl,es eqs ,,'aru speau uloJ\,

aql ol

de,tr Jeq uo 1(ou sr pu

l! '0s
-Iulut

'sr Luetqo;d eLlt ,,'FurqtoN,,

'os!3JOXO Alllll slql z{;l 'eLuBF al,noA 'putur s,{u,m1u s,oJ0tll 'puep ulpJq e;e no,{ ssolun uo rno,{ Fulrltauos t.lllm puodse; ,{lquqord no^ .iFul

olll Furrlteuos
aq
01

no,4 oJu tut.l,111,, 'poIS

alll

1,u0p oqnn no{ J0 osot1l Jol

sl auo sllll

oqao. 'raqle; Jeq tuo5 l[BJ our raue 'lr{8ru auo all 'sluarei qtr.t\ se^lesuer{t purJ rsarrlrj e

SNYIg

lHI

DNII]IdS :TSI)UTXI
(('Jelleq rl3nur os sI

sI ter{t J}-uoJtessac Suilours s. {lo.r\ uec deqr qcrqm uro{ srs?.

tuetuaer8e

reql

qlr^d Surdaal

sIqJ 'erel{t

ra.r,o la8

Plnor I l1lun JIesuIq ro}

PuaJ

ol a^q PIno^\ PeC

Surrunsse

euez ]By) tcBJ or{t 'uounlosal

rldold oI-oD lHI

WIRED FOR LOVE


middle of the day simply to report an itch on the nose, his or her partner is expected to answer cheerfully-as in "It's great to hear from youl" This privilege can be enjoyed by both partners at any time. So, for example, if you are my partner, and we're in bed, and I can't sleep because I'm anxious about the

describing runs counter to


ships should function.

sLrn-.i

I can wake you up, and you wiil be there to help me without any feeling of resentment. Why? Because I must do the very same for you, if not in that situation, then in other circumstances when it likely will be inconvenient for me. That is our agreement. It is our assurance to one another that we aren't
day, alone, that we have a tether to one another. We do this for each other because we want to. We do it because we can. And because we appreciate how loved and secure it makes us feel. \il/e wouldn't ask it of anyone else, and nobody else

EXENCISE: Mnp
So you and your partner lrare

this working out for VouP Lsr i actually use each other as e,o-t your own or as a coLrple.

1. Throughout the ueek. ir',


other. Jot down the
re a>

would want to do it for us.

Now, does this mean everybody should expect to be able to instantly contact his or her partner each and every time? Of course not. If you have that itch on your nose and your partner is hlgh over the Atlantic on a business trip, you're unlikely to phone the airline. However, the point is that couples should Gel secure in knowing they can reach out to their partner at any lime, anywhere, and their partner will be receptive. Moreover, this availabiiity
works both ways.

tial for your relationslril.


moment. For exanrple.
L

nei$hbor's Ieettaqe''
parents.

..

0r it miBht

l-re i

to share a crimson slirsa


include the manr tinres t' other to share ntonte|1,1t'r

IT,S

OKIY TO BE HICU MRINTTNANCE


in a couple bubble who agree to be available go-to people for

2. 0f course, even if rou ha,,"


tou will both go Io \arir'
reasons for going to interaclions nilh sorrrt i,'

..

Partners

ther

each other benefit in ways nobody outside the bubble can. To be sure, main-

limited information aboLl

tenance of this agreement can feel burdensome at times, but the effort is well

worth the trouble. Partners who expect one another to be available 7417 are
and should be considered high maintenance.

3.

You may choose to reror.

illuslrates yolrr go-to neiil

In our culture, being labeled high maintenance usually is considered a -lypicalln pejorative. men speak about a woman as high maintenance if they
see her as demanding attention, overly concerned about her appearance, or

lf you and lollr

pa.1

each take a separale pirrthe center to represent

\r

hard to please. This is not what I mean here. I am speaking about two people

who are willing to go the extra mile for each other. They are willing to put in the highest level of effort possible, for their mutual benefit. They are willing

Are you both in the circle: hanging out, or r'lhatere .

to give freely, knowing they will receive the same in return. They are high
maintenance because they expect their partner to be at their beck and call.

and your parlnerP Are a.r your charts and see ii rori

If

other. lf nOt, talk aboui it .

I seem to be belaboring the point, it is only because I'm aware that what I'm
114

first to know everylhinq

r>

SII

0rll sB luauocPld JnO^ 0s u?LlD Jn0^


Llcua JoJ oldoad 0l-0F ,{rurur.rd

'p0lJuulc sl Fulul^ro^o M0ul 01 lsrl} A BJpoJ puu ll ln0qB llul 'lOu ll Jalll0
no,{ 3t oas puu

lU(I lBrl^\ lEql eJE.4d Ur(I esnEt 'ller {raq rrer{t tE aq ol


PUE

alll aq 0l readdB

slluqc lno,{

g8rq e.le

aruE!

Surtpan ere

Laql 'urnter ur Laql

'trJaueq Ientn

1;asrno,{

eruclruo3 iraul;ud rno,{ q1t,u uotillodtuoc ul ,{uu ely 6leu1;ud lno,{ puu 0l uorlulal ur aldoed asolll oJu oJoLlM JanaluqM J0 'lno Fulfiuuil 'FuldtssoF 'd1eq ro1 oF no,{ uoll^ 0t sreqlo ppv cjolcJlc oql ul qloq no,{ ely 'no,{ o1 uotluler ur ;auued lno,{ eculd ,ttop '};esrno,{ luasolda; 01 Joluoc 0Ll1 ut olcJlc Flq u Fulnnurp ,{q tluts puu radud 1o acetd alu;udes u

ur tnd ot 8urty,r,r. ere

Laql

'.raq:

eldoad o^d.t tnoqB Surleeds rue

alel

Llclla

lo 'eluereedde reg tnoqe peul Ier{t JI aJueuelureur q8rq se u


pereprsuor sr Lllensn erueu:

luql Uuqc

uuc no,{ .raqteFot astcJoxo slqt Fulop eru lauuud rnoA puu no,{ ;; 'IJoMlou ot-oF tno,{ solpJlsnlll lup ot-oF tno,{ (azl.tuuuns to) ploca; 0l as00tl3 ,{uu no1 'g
r? ur

eR Llbz olgelre^ eg ot reqto


IIaA\ sr uoJJe aqt tnq 'serun te

enuq ,{uru no,{ 'u,uo rno,{ uo sllll Fulop el,no,{

'eldoad ofoF ,{ppuocas s,;auuud rno,{ lnoqu uollutllJoJul p01!u!l 'uaLll 01 FuloF ;oJ suospaJ
11

-ureru 'arns eq oJ 'uEJ eiqqnq

ro; aldoed or-o8 algepeAe arl

rno,{ puu 'llom sB 'oldoed ol-oF ,{.tupuocas osatll J0 0tu0s tlllM suollcuJolul olou all,\ 'loom aql tnoqFnotLlt sJslllo sllolJun ot oF qloq 111,m no,{
rno,{ 3o 'eldoacl ot-oF ,fuutuud s,Jotllo tlcuo oq ot peorFu eneq no,{

ll

uoAO 'osJnoJ

'Z

I]NVNEJ.NIVl

'secual;edxa 'zi;;ts seLulleuos ',{lelueuou oiutls

01 J0q10

lruq"iln.on slq]'re.r'oeropl'a,,
'erurl due le raulred lrelt 01 lnL soldnor teLll sl tutod aqt ':r.rr'
ssaursnq B uo

J0 'sJoplnoqs asuol

Llca 0l oF I puu aJ,r,t ,{ru tuL{t ,{up erlt tnoLlFno;Lll sau!1 ,{uuu eql apnlcul plnom lsrl ,{6 'nnopuqnn uoqDltl aLll tuoJ1 olqlst^ lasuns uosLulJJ E oJutls 0l u leF ot oq lllFltu 1t tg 'sluerud
pur? aJos JoJ qnJIcEq

srq o1 leods plnoqs

rno,{ crsnu pnol 0Lll lnoqu u1u1druoc 0l 0q lqptu

oLlM oplcap 0l puu 'Ful,{uld sl raFuueet s,roqqFlau ll 'a;duuxe Jol 'luotuotu

Jrluellv

oL{1 JO.\rr

oul ur luuu0dr"ut s;eal lsnI iutll FutLl]ouros ro dlqsuotlu;al ;no,{ J0J lull -uenbasuoc FurLlleuos aq uuc 11 'os Furop JoJ uosual oql um0p l0l 'JaLl]o
0rll
,,01

e,teq no,{ JI 'tou esrnof JO .:'. .lluelsur ot alqe ag ot t:edr:


'L

sao!,, no,{ J0 ouo otuli Llceo olou

ll olutu'loom

aql lnoLlfinoJql

asla dpoqou pue 'asla euoiue 1.-

'eldnoc u su Jo u,uo ;no,{

pa^ol .roq elerca.rdde e.\\ osnEl


asnBJaq Jer{to rlrBe loJ srqt oF

u0 Joritra osroJoxa sllll 0p uuc no^ 'aldood 01-0F su Jotllo tlcuo esn

,{;;un1cu

noA ntoq tnoqu oJou tno purl 0l oslcJaxo slql asn 6no,{ rog lno Full;onn slLlt
sr MoH 'eldoed ot-oF s,;eqto qcuo aq o1 paetfie enuu ;euuud rno,{ pue no,{ og

J(uaI e^\ .let.ll ur

lBtll JaqlouB euo


'no,{ lo3 eues

o1

JoJ tuarualuoJur eq ill^\,11a:11

)uo^^JlN OJ OD UnO dYW :ISIf)IlXl


'uoucunl plnoqs
sdtqs

:ou;r

\l:

Eurlee; ,(ue lnoqtr.u eru dleq r.t eql lnog snorxu ur(I osnefsJ

are nol;1 'aldurexe ro; 'og 'aru srql ,,;nol, ruo.g JEeq ot l
-r.r.rrd sr

-uortBler .uoq rnoqe suorldrunsse JISEq rno Jo euros ol JelunoJ sunr Sutqtrcsep

raul;ed Jeq Jo srq 'esou aqt

lldold oJ-oD 3HJ

WIRED FOR LOVE


4. At the end 0f the week, sit down and review your experience-either try yourself or with your partner. Did you and your partner actually g0 t0
each other as often as you thought you mightP Were there times one 0f
you wanled t0 g0 t0 the 0ther, but didn'tP lf so, why didn't youP Do you notice anything about your secondary g0{0 people that you
1.

Make a formal ogrerlr


often find that formaii',

It is easier to hold to

:-

when it has been erpi::

might want t0 changep For example, when one couple compiled their charl, she discovered he had gOne t0 his mother about organizing his
dad's birthday party several days before he mentioned it t0 his partner. He apologized for this oversight and promised t0 keep her more informed about his side of the family in the future. He then pointed out with a smile

This aiso gir,'es vr:,'. or trepidations. If one


scares you and be tempted

how you feei about t'e:r

at

hc,'u,

tether. Brainstorn'r n'a','

to',r'ithhi-,

that he could have fixed the stuck drain himself if she had asked him
before she called in the handyman.

It can be mutual-',
larly. Remember the
you, darling" or all yours, 2417" can

"\o,;.
r.-..

Develop go-to sisn.-l:

'"

STxTH GUTpTNG PRINCIPLE


The sixth principle in this book is that partners should serue as the primary goto people for one another. I have observed that partners who create and main-

your paftnel ma\ I1r-l


you are
ir-r

need c',i.'-':-:.

or she may appreci:,c


able. You might sar, "E:

tain a tether to one another experience more personal safety and security, have more energy, take more risks, and experience overall less stress than couples who do not. When you commit to serving as a go-to person for your
partner, you open the door for your partner to do the same for you. Then you

but I need a feu' n-iinu.,


Signals don'r ha',. make a certairL gesrJ:.
has your

full atterLlLr:r.

both can enjoy free and unencumbered access to one another in terms of time and of mind. In this way, you build synergy in your relationship, such that you
are able to operate together in ways that are greater than

in

yours might be .:r

dropped so you can


3. Recognize your

:::

ifyou each lived

as

essentially separate individuals.

neej : on One person mar, :-

If you recall, this notion of "two can be better than one" was our descriptor of an anchor in Chapter 3. Our sample anchor couple, Mary and Pierce,
acted as go.to people for each other and explicitly stated that they could tell
each other everything. Similarly, by agreeing to become go-to people for each

more peopie fou C3i- :-:

After all, comparer


It may

i,, ri

a piece of cake, rishr seem thar


','.

other, you and your partner can take a giant step toward ensuring that you become anchors for one another. Here are some supporting principles to guide you:

relationship comes

.,\'r::.-,.

and needfulness \-.ru

lies the saving srace . I


each other mav be 1-u::

116

LII
'spJe.r\et lBrluolod aLIl erB os lnq 'r3q8iq eq

rotllo qf,ea
:no.t aFI

'ecer8^eul Sur,res aql seu Jo e^eq reutrBd Jno^ pue no^ suoltet3edxa eg1 uroraq lng 'rautred,(reuud.rnoL qlr.tt e:ueuedxa noL ssauln;paau pue

nod reqt Suunsue prezvrol dats


rlJee roJ eldoad ot-o8 eurocaq

laqto ou 'es;noc.;io 'se 'paiooJ

'rtcuapuadep 'uortetcedxe;o suaPlnq arues eqt qlI^A sautoc drqsuotlelar eq r,uoP lng ',{elt }Erll ruees Leru 11

2rq8u'a1ec;o

acerd e

ller plnor Aeql reqr parels .i1:r


'acler4 pue f,reyrq 'eldnoc,roq:' -ducsep Jno sBA\ (.auo utlt lat
sB

rno.( ot Sutlela,r qltnn peredruor 'lie relv sr sreqto ol Surtelar 'raul.red noL aldoed erout li,noL ernJes alour eql 'uoddns ;noL ol d11er uer
'1ee;

aqt tBql >1urql .(eu

Surdler;o epr eqr 'qsnlq tsllJ

notr 'Surueleerql ool ruees ,{eur uosred euo uo tV 'pereqtal aq ol Paou rnoL ezruEocag 'g
L[3Ee

pe^rl qJBe no^JI urlt letEal

'tueurour erltJo spaeu arlt Pue roqto

uo snsoJ uec noL os paddorp

nod ]er11 qrns 'drqsuortior lnc. arurl Jo surJeJ ur .reqlouE Ouo c_


.rnoA

noL uaql 'nod:o; eruEs orll of ro; uosrad ol-o3 e se Fur ..

aq ot speeu eqa Surgllra^e ]eql uollerlPul ue eq lq8tur srnoL ur spueq s.lauued rno,4. qroq 8ur1er 'aldurexa rol 'uollualle 1n; rnoL seq leql raulred rno.( ol elecrunululof ol ernlse8 uJBlref e alBuI
erls Jo aq

lo )iool ureueJ e elr8 uec no 'leqre^


'ZLXlo elppllu aqt ur
1e.te
d11n3

aq

ol

a^Eq

luop
^\aJ

sleu8rg
E

UBI{I ssorls ssel ilera^o sruai-; 'Lluncas pue dlayes leuos:ad


-oB t"totuu,Q

(("'lnoq {lEl ol selnulur


Sureq

peeu I lnq

ar,noL azller 1 'aru asncxg,,'Les lqSpu no1'alqe

olut esea sdlaq reqr leu8rs e elercardde ,{eu eqs :o

-ulEur eleelJ or{,{1 s:au-r: PUe a\l sp a6r.as pltlcls

eq 'ecuelsur ro; 'puelsr ue sr reulred rno[;i ']f,eluoJ Jo Peeu uI e;e no.( Jeqto qcee tal ot sLe,tr e^Eq ot InJdlgq rl PuU.{eru raulred rno.( ^\oul pue no.( 'L11eniur LllertedsE 'reutred rnoL tllrm sleuErs or-oE dole,Laq '7

ill(

ru.L, Jo ,,aurrldue '8urqllue ]noqe eru ol

ro; oreq sLe.lle

ur,1,, Eur.(eg lerueC

'JoutJed .rno[ elout uea t.Llbz'srno.( 1Ie uec no1, ro ,,8urpep 'no,{ elotug el{l Jaquieruag '[pe1

al

llel

-n8ar luaruearBe rnod ezlleqre^ ot SuIcJoJuIer Lllenintu eq uBf,

lI

rulLl p0lsP psLl 0rls Jl JIasrLr .i


0lruIS

;lesrnoL ploqqrh\ ot pardurer eq rq8rru nod qcrq^\ ur suoltBntls due elpueq ot sl,e,u urrolsuiBrg 'Jeqlel

LlltM

lno polu!0d uaLl. :lr

srqt Sururetureru tuog tl;eueg ot puets no.( ,troq lB PUB nod salecs ter1^\ ]E r1toq >loo1 'reutred rno^{ ot parerltet Suraq lnoqe 1ee; nod ,uot1
ssncsrp tq8rru nod 'elnt Jo puelsr uE sr no.(;o ouo JI 'suolleplderr ro 'suorllrseq 'acuetslseJ [ue ecro.t o] aJuBr.[J e no.( sa,u8 osle sIqI

p0urJo,ur 0J0tu JOLI deal o1 oH 'J0uuEd srll 01 ll palrotlu.rtL

i.. :

slq FulzluuFr0 lnoqu JaLil0LL . Jlaql palldtuoc aldnoc 3uo 'lr-;


no^ lBLll oldood ol-oF

ilepu|:,.:

'ur rq8noq

a,r.eq

noL;o qtoq pue eperu dprcrtdxe uaag sq lI ueq,t\

dno^ l,uptp ,rqu os

_
.

'tueruotu aqt Jo leei{ agt ur 'rete1 tuetueer8e u ol PIor{ ol reISEe sI U ua}o SuuBts,{11eturo; ttlt
'qdruoo papp rl sa^u8 tuarueer8e

leql

PUIJ

l0 auo sdrutl OJOLll aJa\\ ct .ot oF illenlcB Jauupd Jnoi

seldno3 'LIVZ teglo rpee ot elqEIIE^e eg ot tuaruear8e leurro; eTeN

'l

,{q raqlra-atuatJod\a Jlto\ ... .

lrdord oJ_-oD lHJ

WIRED FOR LOVE


Often, I think, we don't take the tirne to get clear about our expectations 'We don't get specific about what we need from our partner. of one another.
Yes, you

want him or her to make you feel safe and secure, loved and cared for. But how? What do you actually want and need from your primary go.to
person?

This is a question I can't and wouldn't want to answer for you. You must do that yourself, or with your partner, for the answer to be meaningful. However, I can report what I have observed among happily tethered couples. These partners are there for each other's deep emotional needs. This means being able to share and discuss all their feelings, worries, concerns, and
doubts,
as

well as all the joys and emotional highs. It means sharing old secrets

Protecti: Bubb Incluc

and memories. It means revealing crushes and infatuations and fantasies.

At

the same time, these partners are available 2417 for things that to anyone else outside the relationship might seem trivial or not worth a moment's time:

anything from the way your toenail is growing in, to the sound the ice maker in your refrigerator makes, to the latest joke someone sent you in an e-maii'

human. :--.

we are basLc.-

young age to move

.r],'e

r r.

:-

tionship from rime


us for threesomes.

r. :::.= .' tou:: :-,:,


.'

wheel around oUr pclrc:.i: . other twosomes,

r,hile r: j--.
r---.

This matter of tu'.-s,


owner's manual to vou:

.,

rc-:.. l dent upon our abiiitr r,. :. - -' with whom to form an ai'--:
whom they can run u'hen
some, we look ro one Fc:: always a

,:..'.

.:. :-

Yet we as couples are r. - - j

third ro be touni , objecrs, third tasks. or an'. r.-... make it difficult ro form .'r. J
inJaws, other extended ran:.
'.

and even strangers.

Thirc i:-

118

AI

(setue8

oapr^ (selqqoq

'sassoq pue sreutred ssaursnq'spuerrl 'sraqruaur

'>po.r,r eq uec s8urq] prtql 'sre8uerts uela puB $ue; papualxe rerllo 'sme1-ur

'uarppqc apnlcu uec eldoed plql 'eldruexa roC 'euo urroJ ot tlncIJJIp ]I eleul ro elqqnq eldnoc E uo epnuur plnoc teqt esle Surgldue ro 's1set prpp 'srca[qo prrgr 'a.1doad prlqt ueeur I pl?W e dg 'ereqtraruos punoj eq ot Prll{t e sde,r,t1e
sr ararlt 1nq 'o,lrr1 aq.fuur alN 'Piro^\ er{l uI euol

lou

erE seldnoc sB

e.^a

lal

'elEl elBlPeluull Pu lJoJruoc

roJ sreqlo

IF

e^oqE uosred euo

ol

>lool e.tt 'euros

-o^\t llnpe srqr q8norql 'patlcxe ro ured ut Jo paJBJs ueq,t\ unJ uec Laql uoq.^d. ot .4d.ou{ uerpliqf, SunoL se gcnur 'dnlsreurred rlnpe ue uroJ ot utot{^\ qll^\
uosrad euo asoor{r e16'uosrad auo ot poraqlet eruoJaq ot

rno uodn tuep

-uadap sr Jno 'pessnJsrp a^.ald sy 'dtqsuonelar rnoA ol IBnuEuI s.Jeulao ^]unJes eql;o lcedse tuEtJodlur Lran e sr seruosesJql PUE sawoso.4Al Jo JeDeu sIqJ .{lptlsnlcxa JoJ peeu pue }o enle^ aqr SulpuersrePun apq \ 'seruoso

^tIIqE

\t ratlto

urJoJ ot sn s^\ollB tees>lceq E e>let ot Llqrqe srqr pue 'stuared rno PunoJe leel{,tt

prlqt

se-rede-rd

E eq ot uJeal elN 'euroo ot eJow PUE 'sauloslno; 'seuroseerq} ro3 sn ^{\oq 'sed 'eru1t eqt tE Jeununq E s(ll 'eulll ol eu4l ruog dlqsuou

osl

ll lng

lE ureel

-EieJ e^rsnlf,xe neql Jo lno pezeenbs Suraq ldecoe pue re^o elour ot e8e Sunod e e,l.r. 'uonuele s(Jaqtour rno JoJ seladuroc 'reqlel e se Ipns 't1npe raqloue

l] 'saluosolY\l Jolllo ol lno qJuBrq Pue leqlow qutq lno qll^\ eulos A A -o,r\.1 B sB lJels elN 'saLlroso,r\l ruJoJ ori.r\ seJnleelf, Lllecrseq al 3 \ /\ / t V L
tnq's>1oed ur unr reqr sleurlu eg or seuu re readde Leu; suerung e

JJ>lIu efl aql fun i :--

'llul-e uE uI no-\ :-:::: : L-.r:--

-:'

:elUIJ S.IUOUIOIU E
asla euo,{ue

!'. ,' ,

ol leu:

lv

'sorsEluEj

fur i]

;: -r '--- :_: - _: .

srePlstno oPnlcul

sueour

sterJes p1o 8ur:eqs su::'-- :- : pue 'sulef,uof 'se::- . '. :: srrll 'sP.ru 'i _ _ .-;-

ol /KoH :elgqng
eldno3 eqt Surlcetord
/ ulrdvH)

lsnul

'saldnor pereLltrt .'.-r::: - : '1n;Sutuearu oq ol l?.\..!-j: : l: i.i -i - -

no

'no.i rol

ol-o8 Lreurtrd rno-'' rrr- -- :;; 'loj pJrEr Pu Pe.\cl :::::: : 'raulred Jno uroJ-i fr?r : r -: j: -i; . suorlelredxa lno ln.-

WiRED FOR LOVE


On occasion, thirds can be easily incorporated into a couple bubbie. For example, ifyou and your partner both enjoy bird watching, you wiil naturally bring this hobby into your life together. But if you like bird watching while your parrner prefers football, it is likely to be more challenging to bring your respective thirds into the relationship. In this chapter, we focus on how couples handle thirds. Specifically, we look at how couples handle four of the most important types of thirds: in.
laws, children, drugs and alcohol, and affairs. shows . . . and the list can go on and on.

primitives are constantiv sour,l


to focus on an object or task. T;

it work, or a hobby. ur dn :ij


with
a partner.

Very young children ensair

call it parallel play. arrd

it r, :r'
.

Several children p[a1' togerl^-..

without engaging each

c',ther. -l

they become adept at plavrnl

THT THnTRT OF THE THTRo


Couples who handle thirds poorly typically do so before they even enter into

with the same toy. Larcr ::.r rhirds-as well. If aJulr c.',:.:can deduce that their amba.r...
Waves also can fall

un:r.
-.
.

their relationship. A good couple therapist can spot this pattern immediately by noticing how partners talk about other people, and most strikingly, how they talk about each other in front of the therapist. These folks constantly
marginalize their primary partner. They betray one another by forming exclusive and excluding pairings with other peopie and things. For example, one

than islands to engage in p ..-,ple as thirds. Their prinririr

partner might take his sister's side over his partner's side, while the other partner is more wedded to her wine than to her spouse. Both form unholy alliances with their children. Neither serves as the go.to person for the other, or is dedicated to the other's safety and security. They are either unable to
form or unable to maintain a true couple bubble. To be sure, these are not bad people. In fact, they are norrnal, everyday people who simply have never developed productive ways of relating to

ing a partner whom rher ;.: bringing a rhird person in: :. they shuttle between the r:,r-: endless friction and srrii.. :
hiding.
Partners who don't kn,:',', themselves continuallr- des:-:: run into particular troutle -,..,-.

parent, and sometimes b'e.rr:. . feei ieft out, lonely, insecure. - :

outsiders-people and things outside their twosome. They aren't wired for
secure love. These partners may be either islands or waves, or they may simply be young and inexperienced. Perhaps their own parents at times broke their

on the failure to properlr- inc-this is the problem. Usualli'.


person or thing he or she
i:-.,

p.::.t

couple bubble and inappropriately let their children in, setting the stage for

later ccJnfusion.

OvrnecrtvE PRttvttttvES,
UNDERACTIVE AMBAS SADORS
Having overactive primitives and/or underactive ambassadors can make it difficult for couples to include outsiders in their relationship. If an island's

he or she may be threarci:::.. inability of part ners to etic.;L'. . is reciprocal in nature. Many clf the couples tiairthreatening thirds. See it i,'u , and find which ones.

120

IZI
s(pue]sr

ue;1 'drqsuort1or lre

alEur uet sJoPBSSequ e^nfP"


'seuo rlclq.4A PUIJ Pu

el(no^ sratder.lc eq] q8nollt oB uel no^JI ees 'sprlqt fgvgelerll par ^peerle Surlpueq ;o qol rood e op >iooq slq] uI PernleJ saldnoc eqr ;o duel4 'aJnleu ur IEcoJdIf,eJ
SI

SUO

sde.ule tsourle onp rreqt uI sreplstno epnlrul {e.tuce;e ol sreulred;o trrlpqeur 'reuuBru arues er{} ut drtlsuorteler oIJl Surualeerql aq deur eqs lo eq

erll

,^Aoq acrtou ot Surddots lnoqtl.{\ 'tolqt e se sa.\raclad oqs Jo eq Suiql ro uos:ed prlr{] er{t uo sssnroJ pe-,tel]eq Suqaa; raulred eqr t11ens11 'ruelqord aql st sr{l ol arnllej atil uo

ro; e8els aqt SuDlas (ur uelFi: Jreqt e{orq seurn tB stua:ed: Lldrurs deru daqr lo 'sele.t :o s
JoJ pell/r\

SurzluSocar reutred Joqtle tnoqtl^\ 'sprlqt oPn]JuI Lpedord

fpere Laql

'otuLrs,--.

.ratuar sdnleerq pue srq8r; [ueppauarBalq]

lo

'alnJesut 'd1auo1 'lno Uel lea;

ol

SulleloJ yo sLe,rrr o,\nlrr.t,

depLra,r.e

'letulou are .(aqt

t:'

:'
.

Laq; 'acrlou s(tueurour B t pauorqtaP eq uBc 'qlog sarulleulos Pu 'lueled regtra 'uu8erlr rreqt oI 'uerpl1qJ e.teg Laqr uarl^d elqnoJl rBInJIlrd olul unr uei;g '3uo1e eruoc oq.lrr sraqto dq paalqersep Lllenutluoc sellesuteql
.{aqr purJ euroso,{At rreqt otul sprlql Suuq

ol

^\oq

.{\oul l,uoP orl^\ sreu}red 'Sutptq

l,1oqun urJoJ

ot elgun Jaqtre ale iar11 '.,'lJr.[.lo JLI I .ro; uos.red o]-.a - _ rltog 'esnois ::',

otur raqtrn; sropsseqrue eql Sutpuas L11ectd.& 'e;pls pue uoIlJI{ sselPue ot spee] re.u-;o-8nt srql 'reulred reqt pu pxqt eqt uee^\leq eiunqs letp 'Jeuueru Suruetearqtuou B uI dlqsuouelet rler{l olul uosrad Pnql B Sut8uuq Jo petsul 'Surtoefar ro alqelle^Eun sB allocred ,{aqr ruoq.,'r Jeu]Jed e 8ut
-qsrund;o sueeru
E sE

reqlo aqt el1q.{\ 'op}s s,l:;i--: auo 'e.1druexe rog 's8urqi p-_--.
-n1oxa Sururo; Lg:aqtou: :'_-' ,{ltuersuo: sllo; e(aL{f L: -: ,

srq] op ot ureqt a.ttrp leru se,tr]ruttrd


aroru pue '[e1d

rreql'splgr

se e1d

,trog t18ur1uts tsoru

pu: :':

'oed reqlo tno Iaes ot


'se.r.rtru1rd

ialpred ur

e8e8ua o] sPuBIsI

ueql

l,lalerperurur u;elled sru: _ ,,

^laTII L1a4t ssal ere deql 'se,Lrtrurtrd rlerlt Jo ,{e,ns agl laPun IIJ uer osle se^q1\ laqr ,(q pepEoJlIBJ Sureq a;e sJopesseque rlaqt ]Eqt acnPeP UEJ
e.n 'Ae1d leliered [11er]uassa sI terl^A uo puedap seldnoc rlnPB JI 'lle,^A

olul Jalue

ue.Le

Latlt r:cr:

se-sPrlql

Cu

apnlJur ot elqu er,.{er1t ;ate1 'dol etus aqt qtl^\ -saleuLeld Iuonrppe liqecrrue deld or ureai uarplqr o.trl 'reqraSor Sulield ]E tdepe aruocaq Leqr 'eJnteru slopsseqrug Jreqt pue e8e uerpprlc sV 'ralpo qcea SutEe8ua tnoqtl.t\ tnq tor u^\o rreqt qtr^\ qcea 'ruooJ etues eqr ur regreSol deld uerplltir lre^es 'eerqt ro o^\t pe8e uarplqt t
Suorue lecrdLr rsour sr rr pue '[n14
7a17vnQ

11et

-ur :spJrrlt ;o sad.it trirt:. an


'L11ecr;rcadg

'splqt : :
!

srsrSologcLs4 'ror^Br.[aq pe]EIosIJo puDI slqt ur e8e8ue uatppqc

Suno[Lren
'teulred qlr.^

'drqsuorleler oql otu.

ol

{e>111 sr

tt

'11egtoor srl-,r

'raqle8ol

a311

rno,i otur,.,J:

'_

ldo.{etu aqs Jo req 'eJuelsur ro;

ourrl ur{t Surxelar erour pue re3es sI-uoItf,IPPe uE ro '.(qqog e to '1lo.tr tr aq-prlqt slqt qtm tueds erui] 'sanrlrtuud eql oI'{sel ro }cafqo ue uo snroJ o] erll Surpunos {luelsuoc ele se,ulrturrd
'ru,re1e

,(i1see eg

qroq ratrued rno\ fur uc spJrrll 'u,-,:>.r,

31Sng

Erdnol rHr DNrrfrrof

WIRED FOR LOVE

EXTNCISE: Wuo Anr YOUR THIRNS?


ln the last chapter, you mapped your network 0f g0-t0 people. Possibly some of your 0r your partner's secondary go-to people function as thirds in your
relationship. I suggest you take a fresh look now and identify the people who most often make your relationship a threesome. Who might they beP

marriage, Klaus admired hls i:r had long Jiscussions abour p,

-r:

relationship soured when Ki:-.r


and Suzanne started callins,---. back to work part time ar

;h.

'

couple found themselves c--:.:-:

in their relationship. In fact, the probienr


flather

1. 0ther family members, such

as children and parents, make natural thirds.

h.:= himself. Ttr be trri - - -

You may not think 0f them as outsiders because you're all in the same family, but they are Outsiders with respect t0 y0ur twosOme.

usually start offas neuri. . :


because one partner

..

2. Other common thirds are friends with whom you engage socially.
together.

When

you and y0ur partner socialize with anOther couple, they cOunt as a third

nr'"rr.:.: role of third wheel in s.:'-c ,' nasry hahits, addicti.,n. : .. and remain bad to the si:t.-,,.
people and things bect n-.e relate to that third.

3. And d0n't f0rget thirds that aren't people. What activities do you and your
partner do that function as thirds in your relationshipP As you make a list of your thirds, notice which are included effectively within your relationship. How do you feel in the presence of these thirdsP What makes for smooth relating with them from the vantage point of your couple bubbleP

Ii t-:r. :-.:.: or downgraded a. a reru.: : person or thing n'ill l-cl $7hen Klaus reali:.: : -:
.

that she diJ not share r:r.. frequently, and Klaus qr.-",,

:,::

in their family. Theirconversdtir':.:

:,, "l dont want hir announces the lra. inr .-,him here at all
anr rrr,

--

IN-LAWS AS THTROS
For most couples, inlaws come with the relationship. Initlally, these
are

:.

'

"He's m1 dad."

.he

for him, I

r,ruulJn

r r;
v.

'::

parents-inJaw and siblings,in-1aw, but later on they may include daughters-inlaw and sons.inlaw. The examples I've provided here are of the former type; however, the principle is the same for both.

Rememberl Besides.

l-. -

--

"l've told 1ou." K1-u. anything invtriving r, r.'


Suzanne cfo.sf:

.:

r.:r .:-'..:
:
.

"Daddy Iikes yotr,

LETTING THE WNONC ONE IN


Suzanne and Klaus, both Suzanne

l.ur "\.

I haven't been happ.


Klaus brist les.

rl-r . .:
. ..
-

in their thirties, have two young children. is very close to her father, now widowed. In the first years of

"\7ith

you, yes."

122

tzt
,,'se^ 'no^ qtJlN,,

yo s'leed tsrrJ eqt

ul

.p3^\oF
'

..lau,

qlrl\

Lddeq ueeru no1, 'sellsrJq snBI)

'ueJp1lqJ SunoL oa,u aler{

(('sqtuour xrs tsel aqr dddeq ueeq l.ue^Erl I

'lltupe ot a^q no1,,'sesned eqs.('eru so^ol ei{ esrnoJJo lng'noL sa111 [ppeq,, 'Sunuoc sr s^\ou{ ags tr{8r1 aqt roJ Suuedard 'sutre rerl sassorJ euuzns
,,'nod 8ur,L1o.tur Surqt[ue

NI T
iedLl reruoJ eqt Jo aJE eler{ -ur-srerq8nep epnlJur,{eu .ra_

Lllercedsg 'op 18urqrlra,te;o se,r.orddeSrp eH,, 'slmor8 snel;1 ,,'noL plo] e.t,1,,

ere eseqt 'l,11erltu1 'dtqsuoiti

l.uere^\ 11;1 '{pue; snll roj

,,;noL ot ouop JoAo eq seq Surql elquroq teq,r 'seplseg lrequerueU 'troddns noL Burqletuos sr rlorq.r 'Iro,t\ ot aiqB oq t.uplno,\\ I '.rulq roJ lol

e auoP s,eq snld,, 'suessB egs ,,'pep [tu s,e11,, ,,'arotu,{ue IIe lE aJarl turq

luem .!1ear r,uop I 'tce; u1u 'rauulp JoJ rerlleJ req petl^ul ser1 eqs serunouue auuezns ueqm s.{es snel;1 ,,'lq8ruot JeAo Sururoc urn.[ ]uB^A luop L,
:srql e{u Surqleuros popunos suollesJeluof JIerlI
d11tue1

Jleqt uI Jno^ J0 lulod aFulup\ aqt ul


dSpJlLll OsaLll

aloJ s(,4del-ur-reqteJ srq pJe^\ot elltsorl dlSursearcur me;8 snel;1 pue '{luenber; pen8re Leql'tesdn pue dr8ue euJecoq eq'tulq qtl^\ tslg arqs tou plp aqs 1Bq1 rel{teJ rerl qtr.a\ sreDeur ate.{ud Euueqs
sE,^A

euuBZnS pazIIEoJ

snei) ueqlN
Surgr ;o uosrad

,{lenrloage popnlcLlt

I0 0sLlaSaJd irl alp LlllLl\


icl[]su0ttp..r

'patBq euroJeq

1p'r,r

prrrlt teqt erns eq uec noL 'uorsnrtul s(pJrgt aqt Jo tlnseJ e se peperEu,r\op ro

Jno^ puu n0^ op sorlt\tltp t?-r \i

petourep sr elqqnq aydnoc aqt ur uonrsod s,reutred euo JI 'prri{t teqt ot etelal srautred ,roq uo Surpuedap e,uteBeu ro a.Lrtrsod ourorag s8urgr pue eldoed eplstno tsour tBr{t puelsrapun tng 'reutred peurlepls eqt ot peq urureJ pue lJo tJEts tBr.[] 'eldoed elqrlroq gtMd suonBrlrgE PUE 'suoncrppe 'sljqer{ dlseu
s qcns 'erns eq ol 'suortdecxa aJ alaql ',4,e,n auros ur laeq,\\ pJrrlt Jo eloJ eql uo a{l Jeq ro ullq Sutleru 'reqlo aql sazrleurEreru reuued euo esnEleq

pJlr.ll

u se lunoc ,taqt 'a|dn,::

t
r,

uaq4f illel;os afipFuo


'4U050

loi JrlO

\\l

'

AUeS Olll ut ;;U al,nOt JSnPI'i.


'spJtLll

-s8urgr

Llleraue8 s,t1 'a.tile8au auof,eq JI 'sau;ed I1B ot Ieuneu se JJo trets Lllensn ^aqr ro aldoad reqteq.{\-sprrrlt :srqt tnoqe realc Araa eq oJ Jlasurq reqte;
s.auuezns t.usr

luJnluu 0Ipru slLlJJpl.l

"-r_

tI 'leerl.4\ pJrql aqt L11en1ce t(usr eJaq urelqord aql 'lce;

uy

'drqsuorlelar rraqt ur
Iearl.4\ oB

prrr{t tnoge pue qtr^\ Sunceretur dllenuuuoc se^lesueqt punol eldnoc


OL|M

0ld00d Ollt dJttuo[]t DU?

,,

erlt uoos 'iltJrq s,pllqc erlt eroJeq trnb p,aqs qoi eqr te erun ued lro,r\ ot lrq plnoc eqs os dlag Surrrrslqeq roJ req]EJ req uo Surrlec petrEts auuBZnS pue

JnO^ ut spJllll sB uotlJunl

i,

'relppor sE.{\ pIqJ puoces s.euuezns pue snBI) ueq^\ pernos drqsuouelar srqt 'ra^te.trog'qlog ot tsoJoturJo tcefqns e 'scr]r1od tnoqe suorssncsrp 3uo1 peq

au0s ilqtss0d 'dlcl0dcl 01-0i

Leq; dueduotr srq tno tq8nos pue

^\EI.ur.JorlrBJ

s1q perrrupE snel;1

'e8eureru

csculHl unQ

rlssng 3rdnol rHr DNrrf troud

WIRED FOR LOVE


"So you're unhappy because o{ me?." he repeats. "I'd be happier if you'd be more of a father to your children." Klaus glares at his wife. "My relationship with the kids is just fine, thank
you.tt

LETTING THE R]
Perry and Landa, anorher

larly have family over for dinne :

"Then why do they always want grandpa?" she counters' "They run to him for hugs-"

night supper. The guests rncl-i: husband, and their young cirr,.

"I can't believe you're comparing me with your dad' saying he's a better
father than I aml"
"Just saying."

"Like he was a stellar father to you, right?" Klaus rages. "Everything you told me about him never being around, being abusive to your mom and you, drinking too much-you call that good fathering? I've never screamed at the
kids."

history with Landa since 'be:,Perry approves of the sister's :, with her when the child i. ::-., However, over the Fdr: :-'.
strategy for dealing u'ith
arises. They agree to srick
::-n--i

ahead and discuss what misi-.r

=.

"But you're not around ily with you."

lot of the time, are you? Work comes before fam'

and maintaining an "us an* :-. needs to leave the roorr or qr.-

Klaus's voice drops. "You know, I dont feel much like your husband right

to make frequent eye conrac: :-i

now. It kills me that you'd rather have your dad here than me." Suzanne frowns. "No, I want you here. You know that. I just want you to
be civil to my dad. If you can't do

i: ::. communicate with one ar, :: J:


while they include orher.

it for him, can you at least do it for me and

the kids?" "Does that work both ways?" Klaus demands. "What will you do when he starts criticizing me in front of our kids? Or wants to tell me how to relate to my own family? What then?"
Suzanne stands up, signaling an end to the conversation. "You want to be

Neither is afraid to use d rr.c-.--. sage u'ithout appearing nr;.'. It's show time as Perr.. , :

greet their grandparenrs r*.r mother-inlaw joins Landa i:-- ::

that she is alright and he is:::

the man of the house, you deal with him. And don't threaten me," she
heading off to prepare dinner.

says,

room, where they drink anj :, with her husband and s.-.n. .-,

As you can see, Suzanne is furious with Klaus. She resents his focus on work, which in her mind leaves him free from the burdens of household chores and child rearing. Although her father was a poor parent, he has redeemed himself and become the father she always wanted. Instead of finding an effective way to include her father in her relationship with Klaus, she has let her
father in while chasing Klaus out. Ultimately, because of Suzanne's poor han-

their cousin into therr rr t:. - the kitchen, and her husbar:' and Perry use eye conracr : widening glance with n'l-rici-. situafion, she gives hinr

--.

th.

-,

-,..

After severai moments. F:her tone shriller. He gets


she gives a more sustainel

dling of thlrds, Klaus despises her father and resents his own children. At the same time, Klaus's poor handling of thirds has led Suzanne to despise both his work and his colleagues.

u: .:: ;le
sr.

to her, makes her stop t-har

124

SZT

s^BS pue 'raq punore sruJe srrl s.^d,orqt '8urop s,ags reg,m dols JeI{ sa>leur 'req ol dn sao8 eH 'uauro^d qroq Jo Suuit sr eqs tBqt ano peultsns eJoul e se,l.r8 aqs eturt srr{J 'ueqJtII eqt uI puE-I uo sIreI{J pue dn sle8 aH 'JalllJqs euot Jaq

pue Jepnol eurooeq eJrol s(raqlour sn{ sJeeq dua4 'sluewoul IBreAes Ierros etrJo^EJ rerl t(usr

re}V

sqt tBI{}

'u8rs Jealc IIE eqt rurq sa.r.r8 eqs 'uottenlrs sda,luoc Bpue'l qf,Il{^\ rlttlrr acue18 Sutuepua.

slq qtoq esrdsap ot aur::. - :: Jql rV 'uerPlltiJ u.\li i . -- ; - -: -ueg rood s(euue;nq lr :!: a :.i, req lal sBr.{ eqs 'snE'\ ,'- _ i:r-i -- :; -ce#e uB Surpu!.lo

PauJePet sEq JLI l-=^:r: - : serorJr Ploqesnoqlo s.l::i-: :

uo

snJoJ sril slussal

aL: i*:

's,{es aqs ,,'elu ualPtr- -'- '- eq ol luB^l

no ,1 'uc:r:::: - :
^\or-i

ol elBlel o]
aq uaq.&{ op

a-u ;:
IIr.!,1

_ .. _'
_

-eda ue uro{ eplsv 'ssenslp;o su8ts roJ {Jeril ot tcetuoJ ade esn L;ra4 pue Bpul 'ure8y'uroor 3uur1 eqt ur ueru erll sutol Pueqsnq req PUE 'uerlf,]I1 aql ur ,"\El-ur4erltoru Jerl pue BpuE'I surol re]srs aql 'ruooJ JIeI{t olul uISnoJ rleql atl^ul pue euodra.te reer8 uarppgc erll 'uleEy 'uos PUE Pueqsnq raq I{II.^A se^rrrB retsrs srq JetEI slueruolnl 'sseursng {lr pue >1uup laqr a;egl| 'uroor 8ur.ut aql otur rer{tJ srq selet due4 'papaau t.u$ eq Pue tq8ple sI ol{s }Eql su8rs ro; seLa s,epuel slcotlf, Lua4 'uarlctrl el{l uI Pul surol a,reyur-req]oul req sV 'sruooJ Jrer{l olur teerter uaqt 'ee13 q}t,l sluaredpuerB laql leer8 ualpllqc eql dpee e^rrJe JerltEJ pue raqtow s,L,rre4 sE eullt 1(oqs s(tl

noi

t:

j--,f

- ::

'epnr Suueedde tnoqlu,r e8es


Pue 3tu roJ tr

of li?:- _l - '

-setu ate,l.ud ele3runururoc o] radsrg,,n peuulle.^ B osn ol pIBUB sI JeI{tIaN 'elgctroJurocun slsan8 laql 8ur1eu tnoqtl^a regtoue euo qtl^\ atellunuruloJ

otnoAtue,a,r.lsni
((

] r:'--. -.'--: -

CtU -: -- --- - ,

reqto q3Be

ol senf, Jar{lo esr,tep ot pue 'suortesrenuoc Jroqt uI srei{to epnlJul [eqr altqa,r lool ot 'ur SurlcarlrJo sueeu E s lf,Bluof, eLa luanbe;; alru ol
1B

rq8r.r pueqsnrl

lno\ ;:i:

aer8e Lat11 'pelcedxa uErlt rerlree Surua.re eqt pua ro ulooJ eqt a^Eal ot spaeu ,rueJ aloJaq
SOI.IJOJ

)Jr--';'.

--

Jaqtle sueld adecsa aleur I'eq1 'eJuBls (lueql Pu sn,, uE Suturelureru pue Jl leqt Suncetold 'rueat e se rerltaSot 1c1ts ot eer8e ,(aq1 'sesue

elqqnq eldnoc

rualqord teqt Jl op 11,deqr ter{^d pue 'ryncr;rp aq rq8nu teq^'\ ssnrslp pue pBOqB

aql le PJuEalfs lf.\;


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tnoL pue ruoru rno-., at :..-::- : l

j . : '-.

'sp::-

.,:

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ralleq

E s,eq Suries

't:F :-

ol unJ dar11,, 'sratunat I j:


)iuBlll 'eug lsnl
sr sprq

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'>1ae,rir.

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j_
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--: .,

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NI lNO JHDIT lHJ DNIIII-I


llggng rtdnol tHI DNIIttIou.l

r:i

WIRED FOR LOVE


to her quietly how lucky he is to have her. He can feei her relax in his arms. She kisses him, and he starts to engage the other two women. "How about we go into the living room? We can all talk together there,"
he says, ushering his mother and sister out and leaving Landa to finish dinner

without the need to frequenr-',

Klaus's work schedule, he is ie.,

Typically, Klaus arrives h,-:

preparations.

anything else. He feels he s:erto be playful whenever prrssri:-:

On the sofa, Perry finds himself flanked by his mother and sister, with his father catty-corner on the loveseat and his brother.in-law standing by the fireplace. When Landa enters, cocktail in hand, she notices this arrangement. Perry immediately gets up and asks his father to move to the sofa so he and Landa can have the loveseat. Landa and Perry's strategy for maintaining

rhe kids to wind dor,n ar


greeting and attenrron

:r-

tr\:.'.. latter complaint she kecp. : : Klaus plays rvith bcrr Suzanne's bedroonr to J,r : :':
deal with the nor.r hr peJ-.r: '
lap as he srretches out r,n

their couple bubble is to control where they sit, especiaily in situations where others use seating to split them up. They do the same at the dinner table so
they can use one another for comfort and support'

rr.: r

While Perry is sensitive to Landa's need for comfort and support, she is equally aware of his need for the same. Perry's sister often gets the better of him, and Landa helps minimize the stress he feels when conversing with his sister. She knows the cues that signal Perry's distress, such as a tendency to talk too fast and increased complaints about tension in his neck.
When the get-together is over, Perry and Landa congratulate one another for a job well done, as they gossip through kitchen clean.up. They are pleased with their ability to host dinners with their in-laws without causing fights
between the two of them, and without causing distress to their guests. Because they do this so smoothly, neither ever feels like a third wheel.

the lilting music comine thr. ingly slrrill, he reali:e. :u:,:: the bed, he tracks the r','i;c, :

"Tirrn off that T\'1" S::-.-:


can.

"l

gave you a fire-nrir. r

.'

of{ now!"

"Why?" Tamml' u'ails.'f'."'What's going onl" Klau.

"I told her five minures. :: bed. I'm tired of this same b:r: "I'm not tiredl" Tammr .r:
"She didn't," Brian chine . "It's not fairl" Tammr''.

r'.:

CHrronEN As THrnns
Often couples who poorly manage thirds of one type do just as poorly with thirds of another type. How to include their children in their relationship is a
particularly critical question for couples.

to Klaus,
"Maybe they didn't hear
disbelief.

if

Suzanne's eyes widen ar

"'Maybe they didn't


"Okay, you handle

heal

Suzanne gestures wildly. "Her.

Our IN THE Coro


Suzanne and Klaus's children are Brian, age nine, and Tammy, age six.

itl"

Su:

Klaus watches helplesslv a.

out the door. In that instanr,

s}

feel they've lost the battle. Eac

Now that both children are in school, Suzanne is able to work part time

when they should be

un

126

LT,I

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llgqng ]'Idnof lHr DNrr)rr_oud

WIRED FOR LOVE children-the thirds in their relationship-it's their children who
are calling

partner make the other a rhiij

the shots, pitting the parents against each other, making both Mom and Dad

into third wheels. Trying to calm himself, Klaus sits down on the sofa. Apparently accustomed to sudden departures by their mother, Tammy and Brian climb onto
his lap and watch another fifteen minutes of television.

prolij. on this and feel warmlv inciuit


ofauthority, or forget to

Dnucs AND Arc


Many couples treat their alJL:
commonly, these addiction: .,rr pornography, fl irting, gambiin spending, obsessive
g

WARMLY INCLUDED
Perry and Landa's two kids are Jamie, age ten, and Sara, age eight. \7hen Perry comes home for dinner, he and Landa have agreed, they will reunite before he greets the children. To accomplish this, he often phones just prior to arriving. Landa then knows to greet him near or at the door. They embrace

cleanin:

compulsive need to sociali-e . :r

until fully relaxed, make and sustain eye contact long enough to refocus attention on one another, and check that each feels adjusted to the home environment. Only then do they turn their attention to the children and
other activities.
Later in the evening, while Perry is helping Sara prepare for bed, he hears Landa struggling with Jamie downstairs. Jamie is angry about losing his com. puter game privileges because he didn't finish his homework. Though Landa

BEHIND MY

BEC

Klaus comes from a ianrl','

his German heritage, u'hich sa:

is more than capable of handling Jamie's opposition, tonight she is low on resources. Perry senses from the tone of her voice that her patience is reaching a breaking point.
Perry gives Sara a quick squeeze
rushes downstairs. He walks

tion. However, according t.. iii culture and is a card-carrvin: Klaus is headed down the sar-, and she's worried that if he : exposed to his inappropria:e
quent fights between them.

and promises to be back in a jiffy, then

"Don't think

don'r

kn--,.

into the room, stands beside Landa so she can feei their solidarity, and kisses her on the cheek. Then he says with good humor, "Let's kill him." All three laugh at the absurd suggestion, which serves as an instant
adjustment toward calm for each of them.
Sensing his parent's solidarity, Jamie heaves a sigh and picks up his math

become a different person u'i:;:

"\7hat do you meanl"


"You become silly and

sa'.

s1r,c

book.

Perry again kisses Landa's cheek, whispers, "Good job," and leaves the
room. He quickly returns to Sara.

"l thought you like me 'h,, with," Klaus replies in his deter "lr's true that when rie r. admits. "But sometimes ] fee. -. you look, I don't know, ineb::. about me that embarrass nle.
becoming angrier as she recaiis

Landa and Perry maintain their couple bubble by handling thirds properly. Just as they are able to relate to their inlaws without leaving anyone out

in the cold, they're able to include both children. At no time


12B

does either

67,r

reqtre sooP arun ou


']uaprJuJ luetreJ B sllEceJ eqs sE JelrSuB Sulruoceq

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WIRED FOR LOVE "\7hen have


growing louder. Suzanne covers her mouth with her hand, and her eyes glaze over. She
stands there deep in thought, as if running a disturbing movie in her mind.

ever said anything private?" Klaus responds, his voice

After a long silence Su:.:r:


come between

us-for

me ir's

:-

"Yeah, I guess we do," sith,

Moments pass in silence. "I'm asking you," Klaus repeats, "when have I
ever given private information in public?" Suzanne shakes her head.
((r

I HAVE YOUN B-r

"I don't want to tell you," she says mournfully.

"You'll deny it because you won't remember."

rry me. tt "\7e were out with your business partner and his wife." 'At that new Italian restaurant," he adds. "Right. And you'd had a few drinks. \7e started talking about getting
enough sleep, and you told them I take a sleeping pill every
"So? What's wrong with that?" Klaus interrupts.

Landa and Perry both i:it rheir relarionship. Rarher. i... ment. They occasionallr- e\ el.l :l
are in bed asleep.

Hortersr. :'

night-"

tice, the other respects his .-: i-,. 'When out to dinner u'rth r:

time to monitor one arLc.ihr:.


self-monitor.

"\Uaitl" Suzanne responds sharply, her hand flying up. "!ou didn't let me
finish. You said I take a pill every night, which is none of their business. And then you r.vent into detail about what I m like afterward. You said I raid the refrigerator and don't remember it in the morning. That was humiliating. They didn't need to know that."

If

one or tl'Le -,::,.


'.,,

attributed to the effects tri rl,; the cue to stop drinkine.

or she will whisper into t}'re .,i:.-

If one or the other besii'-s ,sation with others, a squcc:- ,-:

"I don't remember


defensively.

saying anything

like that," Klaus

responds

"l know you dont remember," says Suzanne. "That's what I said a minute
humiliating. There I was, with this sloppy, obnoxious drunk who didn't even care what I was feeling. And with your friendsl"
ago. That's what makes

it

so

with caution." Both Landa and Perrr' ..::: the other. Not only doe s it ..--:

Suzanne begins to tear up.

it keeps them sale uirir ": -: , protector and regulator oi rl-,e -:


social situations where
sc.n-ie:i-.-:

"That's mighty nervy coming from you, who takes sleeping pills and
doesn't remember the next morning that we had sex," Klaus states angrily.

"That's different," says Suzanne, choking back tears. "I don't embarrass
you in pubiic."

would have damaged an irr,p .: They have one another'! .:,

"No," replies Klaus, "you say you don't need those pills. But then I see how you slur your speech and act stupid. One of these days I'm afraid you
won't have the sense to wait till I'm home to medicate yourself, and the kids will see the mess you're in. I even had to hide your keys to stop you from driving to the store last week, Remember that? How do you think all this makes me feel? Not only am I with a drunk every night, but you're not with me."

EXTnCTSE: GET )
As we've seen, Landa anrl Perf
,,

other in the company of

third: \

1. Take an inventorv ol roi;i

uilh )our l)drlnet.

P\prl

130

lr

aLUrl lxau olll 'll J0 o;umu l,uo,lu n0^ Ir uo^o raulrud ;no,{ q1r,l,l ^lsnolcsuoc sleufirs asn,{peor;e no,4 e;B saJUpLlC'sluufirs rno,{ 10,{;oluanur LrE ale1

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JHDIVUIS S]VNDIS UNOA

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Suule8 rnoge 8uq1et FarrE:j


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)fvg uno^ lnvH I


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I elq
0115

'purtu Jari ur orlour Sutq:r.:s


'Je^o ezeiS saLa ]aLI Fu:

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af,rol srq 'spuodsar snelx

rlssng rldnol rHr DNrrltroud

WIRED FOR LOVE


yOu are

with an Outsider, notice the nonverllal ways yOu and yOur partner communicate. Notice, too, how quickly and accurately you pick up each
other's si$nals.

least once. But many people

2007) in which more than 7J.J

percent of women had chea:e definition.

2.

Develop new signals. Having a private language of your own can be very

effective, as well as fun. Children do this, and love

it when you can't

I'd like you to consider

iij

understand their secret code. Discuss with your partner h0w you might
communicate in tricky situati0ns with thirds, such as in the presence 0f in-laws 0r out in public. What, specifically, are the messages you need to give One anOther in these situationsP Keep in mind thal your si$nals must be subtle and must be suited to your partner's sensitivities. lt would be self-defeating, for instance, if your

bubble. Because both your anJ

survival-depend on mutual
onymous with couple bubble.

But so, for example, are the t,:i

I ? V ?

Emotional closeness
out in the cold

u;

partner perceived your sig;nal as a threat instead of the friendly assisl you
intended it t0 lle. lt also would be ill advised t0 adopt a loud signal that, say, led your son-in-law t0 feel y0ur not-so-secret language was intended

Sharing ofone parine

Flirting online or se\:

to exclude him.

Office romances u^r.:,'


Use of pornographi

3. Practice y0ur new signals the next time a situation arises, and see how
effective they are. Make sure you have your si$nals in order ahead of time!

rr

2+1=ZERO

Arrruns

You know the expressi.

AS THTRoS

:.

'

who don't know how to incLL-ii, plete zero.'By that, I mean :i:
somes) can end up destror

Romantic and sexual affairs constitute perhaps the most obvious form thirds can take in a relationship. In my experience, infidelity is among the chief
reasons couples seek therapy. The good news is that understanding how to

i:.:

'

Klaus and Suzanne one mcre i

protect their couple bubble can help couples save their relationship, even one or both partners have undermined it by engaging in infidelity.
You might be wondering, how common is infidelity? That's hard to say.

if
It

Infidelity has been a cc,;-L Klaus had an intense but 'ir,

involvement ended after Su:an Klaus an ultimatum. He assu:e,


Suzanne's mind.

depends on what statistics you read, and cin how you define infidelity. The

serious, and she shouldn'r ieel r:

traditional definition focuses on extramarital sexual relations, whether as a one-night stand or a long-term involvement. Using this definition, a 2006 study of 10,000 adults conducted by Tom Smith from the University of Chicago's National Opinion Research Center reported that 22 percent of married men and 15 percent of married women had committed adultery at 132

\7hen Klaus has staved e\,


ment or Suzanne is feeling tions go like this:

inso

tr
re dretlnpe peDruuroc peq u
o3 suou :srqr

elli

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1o

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9t

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tt

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;rL.

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000(0/ uql eroul qcq.u ut (1997 lng 'eJuo lsee]

;aulrud Jno^ puu no^ s^ul\ lpq"

rrssng Eldnol rHJ DNITIEJOI

WIRED FOR LOVE "How was your luncheon?" Suzanne asks the following morning,
Saturday, as they sit at the kitchen table over coffee.
salad. They even had a good dessert.
a

he is looking forward ro s.-::. confession, he blurts out. "F- -

"Oh, okay," says Klaus with a shrug. "You know, the usual pasta and Chocolate-"
"So, you sat next to Crystal?" Suzanne interrupts.

with other womenl


tractive that is?"

Si.:

:= :

Youhaveprol-ai'i

. .-.

"Crystal?" Klaus scrunches up his face. "Yeah. So what/" "How come you didn't say so? You think you can just talk about the food,
arrd

ambivalent about con:.. -- .: their ambivalence. Fo: K,,-, buffer any potential iar-=.:,
Suzanne, it means lii r-: :' imagined-that she c:-:, : : -

l'll ignore-"
This time Klaus cuts in. "'W'hat's there to
say?

I sat next to Crystal. Dave

was on my other side. Relaxl How many times do I have to tell you: absolutely

nothing is going on between Crystal and me." Suzanne isn't persuaded. "So you say. But I've seen how she looks at you. At the office Christmas party, you spent more time talking with her than you
did with me. How am I supposed to relax when you continually give me cause to feel otherwise?"

Islands have
tends to offer an
cal argument in

aru::, --

eSi:.rc
=:
:.

assertion of indepenJ:

tar',.:

"Jiminyl How many times must I explain?" Klaus's irritation is mounting; nothing he
says

to defend himself seems to budge Suzanne. "'We were talklng

about a report due January 1st, and there was no time to work on it over the holidays. The truth is, it ruined the party for me. But I've already apologized

t. *. .., . .:. .. over here. Suffice r; : . :affair will be a deal lr::::l


age their partner

all parties involvei.

for that. The question is, when will you let it go?"
Suzanne stops to consider this. In fact, she yearns to let go ofher insecu-

2+1=NolF._Affairs are ncr -.n' .- - : During the first tc:: .: -:- steadily but nor lir :: = - ..- , from high school, S:.= : - .

rities. It's just that she doesn't know how. Tears come to her eyes as she flashes back to Klaus's affair ten years before. "Maybe when you aren't always comparing me with other women," she says after a few moments. Klaus is touched by her honesty. He wants to reach out, hold her close, and assure her that he loves her.

At the same time, he feels a strong

pang of

guilt. Much as he loves Suzanne, he is frequently attracted to other women. He tells himself it's just one of those natural male-female things. Crystal, for example, is a smart, stylish professional, and he enjoys working with her. He likes lingering an extra moment as the target of her gorgeous smile. After all, he thinks, this kind of flirtation is harmless. Klaus pauses. Why feel guilt over something so harmless? It occurs to him that confessing to Suzanne that he is sometimes attracted to other women
might lessen his guilt.

come al.lng. Hori er'.r. :- - - ..- . hadn't seen in rear:. r-.. j. :'

Landa and her : - -quick kiss good nieh:. r.-.: : First thing the ner: ":--

:. .

talk immediarell.

"l have somerhinl :.


they sat down. "]'m t. r ,. .'
be furious."

-.
,.-

But then he worries about what he might have to give up. Maybe he'li lose Crystal's friendship altogether. He feels ashamed at how much

Perry stared at her. "'ii, -., so wrong?"

734

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IanJ

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4eun
e Jo

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oq

'..:'.

aq 'uotssa3luoc noL Euueduroc s[eu.1e ]ou ur(I 'Pnol lno 8ulfuc Jog" 'lno slJnlq s ag petsut 'dlueppng 'Sururoru ,iepuoy'1 raq Suraas ol prE't\JoJ 3ut1oo1

'Sururotu

8ut.Lro11o-;

aq:

llSgng lldnof lHr DNIrllroud

WIRED FoR LOVE


"The {act that you trust me implicitly only makes this worse," moaned Landa. She went on to explain exactly what happened the night before. She
reminders. But vou kn-,," something, righti Thel

"l want nothing more than to be with you. You mean the world to me. But I won't blame you if you decide to call off our relationship." Perry was shocked, and he needed time to process what had happened. But in the days that followed, he saw that the old boyfriend was not actually a threat to their relationship. He appreciated that Landa was truthful in admitting her mistake, one she never intended to repeat. Nor did she repeat
gave Perry a chance to ask for any more details, and ended by saying,

Doni shy awal r'ron: ':


thirds can csuse rru'rr.:
stay clear

ol rhenr. Cb' Jren and in.lau.. B:L :' friends and othtrr a!I:. avoid them or urini:..I

ir.

them into your


level
..-'f

t\\!,- :

In fact, it was in part what they learned from this early transgression that led the couple to develop their method for mutual monitoring of each other's drinking. Now, years later, they sometimes make jokes based on what happened. "Don't leave me alone with that handsome boss of yours," Landa might
tease.

You might u onie:.

irr : With the excepri, n : probably are associ.te j


interest this doesn't niarrer. R,:
agreed

"Oh, I'll be glued to your side," Perry quips. "l'll probably get fired for lewd
conduct."
Because they know without a shadow of a doubt how strong their couple

lo be th.r. : :
-

less-than-thrillinc,:-:.

bubble is now, they can laugh freely.

sappi : socccr football or r


you consider

the risk

of:ounJin-

..

it for your partner. .r,: *

SrvrNrH GUIDING

PRTNCTPTT

.till - : movie or ganre. c :.:r:


And ilroLL
partner's enjor-meni.
3. Realize

The seventh principle in this book is that partners should preuent each other from being a third wheel when relating to outsiders. Every couple will find themselves engaging with outsiders, so your best bet is to rely on a strong and intact
couple bubble. When you are solid with each other, the presence of thirds can 'We saw how Landa actually amplify the positive aspects of your relationship.

thal r,'u a. that if the King an* | the [and. lf thel r. ,'
same principle h, are unilied aoJ :rC

and Perry have done this.

l-, -:r

'

Here are some supporting principles to guide you: 1. Always make your partner number one. And say and do things-little ones and big ones-that remind your partner this is so. If your partner Gels confident he or she is number one in your eyes, it will be much
harder for thirds to pose a threat. The problem is that we often assume

ily, guesrs. anJ

.r.: :. wirh each othcr rr il- :,


any thrrds, \l'ho >er :iL;

fits from a couplc u

our partner already knows they're number one and doesn't

need

136

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] lng 'etu ol

F\llil','r-

iaru PuB no.(3o lno ssB uB o1eur '{aq1 ;lq8tr 'Surgletuos

tue,r\ L, 'SurLes '(q pap::; 3-;'; rqs'ero;eq iq8ru eqt l.-'j: peuBoru ,,'asro.r srqt se-'1:'--

uagr. suaddeq,(es Laqr

lq.^A

'sJePulruoJ 't\ou)i no[ lng

lrssog lldnol lHr DNlrflrof

Fighting
Partn,

\Uin by

n chapter 2, I stated r[.' Admittedly, 2 scorv cir-l


supports. The fact is. u t

itching for a fight. The balance you anC r',,,-u:

to-moment-basis bet',r'een'. tant role in determining n'her: war. It may be tempting ro :h::
--

be peaches and cream. \bu'.ments, no arguments, no ::.::.'. Sorry to disappoint vr'-. l tell me they have never I. --': partners who have createj ,

intensely because

thel kr.

..

before all other matters. Th.., previous chapter, as uell

-.

..

looking good in the e1'e. , :

wrong with these self-inrere.: relationship. Even a secure ;:


flrom discord.

'ProlsIP tuou

ua'rg ,(tiumurur alelduroc elEeJJ l.uo''{ elqqnq aldnoc a'Inf,as aseql qll^\ 8uo-rn eqt Jo slsarelul aql qrpvr eledtuoc uec [aq] 'slseralulJles uI poo8 3ut1oo1 diruaragur Surqlou sI eraql q8noqrly 'sreqlo ;o sal'e aql
se
snor'Lard eroJeq

'drqsuottelar

'reldeqr ro lq8u Suraq se q3ns 'slseJalulJlas Jo a3uer e s llerd raqlo II aqt uI Passn3slP se 'sprlqt aPnlcul srelleru asaql'srallelu

asnuceq {asualut drqsuouelar rleql Sunlnd ;o ecuelrodrul eq] "!\ou>l ^(eqt e^EI{ oq'^A sreulred B ssei ro ^\ruenbar; ssal rq39 '{eru elqqnq eldnoc Pelarr

Laqr aru

11er

releu eAEq lerp enn s,t1 'snorcrdsns {aterpaururl ule I 'rq8no; lilog v Jl'neJul 'cl]sller lou.{duls s(lerl] }ng 'nof, turoddeslp ol
eldnoc
-eer8estp ou :eoead lenledrad

'srq8r; ou ',4.lrsoturue ou 'slueulnSl ou 'sluetu


E

jo elels

re8 lsnf nol';1 lql Iulqr III^\ II 'lq8p acueleq rerp o]oSrolaqtoueuoq]I^\8ur,ro1u1ulelno'(raqlaqlrSuIuIruIelePuleIoJluE]

uI alll ll.notr 'ruuerf, pue seqoead eq ol Sutldural aq leru ]I 'rE'44

-rodurruesdeldsJoPssqulepuEse^lllrulrdrnoAuee.t\]sqslsEq-}ueuIolu-o]

eq1 ,tuauroru ua.re-[ep-or-,fup e uo e]Fls reulred rnol pue no[ acueluq


e^A are uaryo sa.ulrtuud rno pue 'sa'ttlttutld e^q lle

'rq8r; e ro; Sutqcrt


(sI

lf,J

aql'srroddns

Arecs e af,uarcs rfts ot rlJ s,{ {uF{l I euo lnq 'uor]rsodord "fipelrtupy rardeql u Joj tsoureroJ Pu lsrlJ PeJl^'l sl urrq al{l lr11 Pells 1 '7
're^^d

ool'ulA reuuBd rno 3u1lle1 Aq qA ot 1KoH :lleA SupqSIc


B

rlrdvH)

WIRED FOR LOVE


So, a successful partnership doesn't indicate that a couple have figured respective points of vieq-. Us

out how to avoid all flghts; rather, This sounds like


a paradox.

it

shows

that they have undertaken any

your love hasn't been lo.r


helping us produce facial Sound silly? I don't

ir

necessary rewiring and become adept at the art of fighting well.

erlr

And it is. I can honestly say that if you learn to fight well, you and your partner will be happier together, and your reiationship will feel more secure. Instead of destroying your couple bubble, fighting well wiil strengthen it. Of all the aspects covered in the ownership manual to
your relationship, this probably is the most key to your survivall

unequivocal smile can comn.

rhini
Yl
.

used a smile or a look 0r a s:,

and communicate supporr.

may not always be effectir.


a reassuring voice,

In this chapter, we look at various techniques for fighting well, inciuding waving the flag of friendliness at the appropriate time, staying in the play zone, being adept at reading your partner, not sweeping anything under the
rug, and generally lighring smart.

many a war has been ar-oilei

Ir's ArL Jusr

Br

NIP A FIGHT TN THE BUD


Before we consider how to fight well, we might consider what it takes to avoid
a fight. As I just said, it's not

When you wave rhe i-,= You circumvent all the ancr-,'
municate with a single gc):u:r Sometimes when you have

important to avoid all fights. Srill, there ing wrong with nipping the unnecessary ones in the bud.

is noth-

:t

thing you or your partner c:.:. I mean that literalh'. Sr,-r


threatened, and nothins .-: ::. until your ambassadors 3rc r:

WAVE THE FTRC OF FRIENDLINESS


One of the best ways partners can avoid war, especially when distress is rnounting, is to quickly wave the flag of friendliness. You can do it. Your partner can do it. It doesn't really matter; all it takes is one person to make the first move. As you recall, the smart vagus is one of the most important ambassadors
when

As you recall, our Lcr: :: specializes in processing jer,:. minutiae that go into an a:g-,i
and settle the argumenti Jr L:i

bly the amygdalae-ir

pr.'-,:

threatened partners' mourh. l, to fend off attack or aggres il.

it

comes to avoiding war. The smart vagus not only allows us to take a

deep breath before acting, but also helps us modulate our voice friendliness. Take that extra second before you speak to be aware

to signal ofthe tone

and volume of your voice. Our other ambassadors, particularly the orbitofron-

ro amygdalae, with no evijr. tingency. What you sa1, it-r ,' ' when you and your partner ai
amygdalae did to one another. So. what I'm suggesrin.- r.

tal cortex-which, you'll recall, allows us to step into someone else's shoes-

can calm down our amygdalae before they scream red alert over what

is

actually a nonexistent threat. Make it clear you understand where your part-

and away from rhreat. If r cu -

ner is coming from, and open the door to a friendly discussion about your

140

WI
rnoL tnoqe uorssncstp (slql
puE
r\1puar

4red rnoL eJaq^\ puBtsrepun


sr tErl,{\ ra^o lJelB P3I IuPrs(esle euoeruos

op uBr no^ JI 'lBerqr ulo{ '{^\ 'tqEu E parroq e^Eq lllrd no^ (oS sI SullsesSns lu(I IBI{^\ sseurlPuel+ pJrdol reulJd Jno^ rJlqs no^ lEql

'reqtoue euo ol PIP ae1eP8'ftue

-seoqs

ollrl

-uorJotrqro atlt lirelncurud '

suol erlr Jo erB,A\e og ot 1e:,:


leu8rs ol eJIoA rno otBlnFc e>lt ot sn s,ttolle rou

reulred rno'( pue nol uaq'r'l rnod s8ulp InJlrnq eql IIE rllpd IeP ol ldruaue ,rate1 palunorsrp aq ot peeu,tpo ilizvr uollenlls slql ul l'es nol' req,16'[cueEuu ,,lrlpqrxag jo ecuePl^o ou I{1I^A 'eepp8'(rue or -uoc ro ,Ltr,*tearc ,[]rxalduroc 'uorsser8SE ro {JllE JJo pueJ ol aeppS[ure 8ur]ceretur ere sulerq qloqJl s s,l1
sl sqlnou

{uo

sropessBqure luelrodtu t lsc.t

l
s

Peualeerql sr esodrnd lpo asoq^rrr req]Elq ssalesn 'e8eqre8 'sleuued aqr {q jo tno seruoc leqA 'qeiq-I{Elq-qElq }o lol sernpord r1-eelepE[ure l]uerunSre aql elllas pu -Elou tsour ,sa.{ltlluud aql dq pa}carrP-lsro^[ s]I le

eql aleru ol uosrad euo sl


si sserlsrP ueq,Lr. Aliercadsa

arlnurul eqt lno lJos uer


eqt II glra,r saEesua r1 '1ecr3o1 pu lqre^

'lsaq sll

lV

'luaurn8re ue olur oE leql eullnulru


ur sezrlerceds

-ued rnotr'11 op UEJ notr 'ss:

Lllpeer puE uollulloJul PellBleP Surssecord aq ol Perl'4l sr ulrq }el rno 'lecer
^1.{Stq

no[ sy
rno[ p]un

'sulluo 13q

eJ sroPessequre

SS]NIlC
'Pnq aur

Sultllou PUB 'PeuelBerql qtnolu rnol;o ]no auroJ uBf, enlA leuosradretul ]o dolg d11erer11 rEI{l uaur I ere salltlurlfcl rnol, leql ezruSoceg '8ur1eads 'dn lngs"'lsn[ sr oP uer reu]red rnod ro noL Eutgt
e^rtJeJJO tsotu eqt 'assedtut lueredde uE Peri3eer 'elnlse3 e18urs e qll^d alecluntu 'rq8r; e;o lsPru aql uI enrl PIoq ul eutes eql no1 -uror petsul pue 'rq8r; e dn eletu reql sPlo^\ [rEue erp IIE ]ua^unf,J'lc nol uag'16 'tnttJoqs E eIBl ef,uasse ur noL 'ssaurlpueu;;o 8eg eql e^E'44

a'r'eq no'(

ueqa saurlleulos

-qtou sr eraql JgrS 'slg8r;


pro^ ol sa>ll
11

1'-

lEr'[ \ roPlsu

-Ilv s,rl HVlg-HYlg-HV]fl rsn{


'acto.t Sutlnsseal e seq re^r e
,(e1d

eqt repun Surqrlue Sutdar.r aqr ur 8ur[e]s 'etuu r


8urpn1:ur '11a,t 3ur tq8rt :' ,r .
iIAIAJnS lno-].

ol IBnuBru drqsreu.tro aqr ut


Suuq8g 'olqqng eldnor rnr.' -uoltelor rnoA pue ':eqtaa. :
ureel

ueaq '{ueru pue 'qcno] paceldllem e 'alttus l'1puap; E qlrlY\ PePIo^B ;.r"1.q,r"n"51 .atndsrp peteaq B Jo rsplur eql ur a^IlseJJe aq s''ft'u1e lou 'leul srqr lrl uJ no 'troddns a]Eclunruuoc PUB r1 q8norp 'turod lue ]e anbruqcel ro ellurs B Pasn
e ro
B

Iool se,utrtuud s(raqlo r{JBe rulec 01 PuEq arlr;o dser8 'os luql r,uop I Brqrg pue lned ,t\otl .t\Bs em '7 reldeqc ul uV

2f,11s

punog

alecrumutuor uJ allus

nol;l teql les .{llsaurr


'11e,m

.rpro^.trn ueqr {p1der elour III.APooB leconnbeun .sseJtsrp s,reulred rno ase uec lBgl suolssardxe llcEj aonPold sn Sutdleq
s.^,\oqs

Surrq;ri

l,ue ualerrepun e^Eq .\)L{: parn8r; a,req eldnoc e req:

ueeq ],usBq ea'o1 rnoL ur ezrlercads sropessequle raqlo la 'el+Jncs eql w lsol '.lAel^ JO slutod a'ulcedsar lueurJaPue Jo urrel TBIIIuTEJ u Sutsn

tErll

I'IEM DNIJHDIJ

WIRED FOR LOVE

EXTNCTSE: CATCH YoURSELVES IN THE BLAH-BLAH-BLAH


Next time you and your partner are locked in a fi$ht, see if you can turn it

mammals use lr.u::.. Humans are unique in rhar


caregiver, at close rangc. u..: play endlessly, chatterinu. c..ing mutual gaze. Mice, kitrei and-tumble. They mav
apF e:-:

All

around bv catching the ttlah-blah-blah. 1. Talk with your partner ahead of time, and agree that one or the other of
you will catch the blah-blah-blah and make the appropriate correcti0n. lt

any declared winners or lc,.::,

Rough-and-turnble pia',' : sibling who helps us disc.-r e: We learn how hard to push

is important that yOu agree llefOrehand and each take responsibility for
changing c0urse, not simply calling the Other
Oul. One

.:

2. When a fight 0ccurs, pay attention t0 how you are speakin$ t0

or pull so hard, and so on. --, : ent, but it's still all in g,,.'* -: play than are islands anJ
,.,,..-,

anOther. lf you find that you're fighting over who said what when, or how

one of you is like he or she was years ago and has never changed, or how
s0meOne else agrees that the Other partner is a schmoe (aka jerk), ihen yOu are engaged in the blah-blah-blah of warfare. Time 1o stop.

curities. This pattern can : -:--

3. Now make the appropriate correction. For example, you might wave the flag 0f friendliness ("Okay, l'm not helping the situation here"). 0r move
forward and touch your partner lovingly and say, "l'm sorry, I'm making this worse" or "l love you and I shouldn't be bringing all this Other stuff up."

Tut Lrssox or
Learning horr
t, '

pl ,'.

,.

couples know that a

gc,..

=..

^i::-..

lighr isn't allowed ru scL -..


of friendliness. Plar.

4. Once you have corrected, don't go back to the blah-blah-blah. lnstead, condense your bottom-line point and tell it to your partner in one short
sentence. ReasonP The primitives can't process complex phrases, and the ambassadors aren't fully home yet. So keep your verbal communication

i.rrc:

..

short and sweet (emphasis on sweet). Remember t0 altend to what works for your partner, not simply what works for you!

STRyTNG

IN THE PTRy ZoNE

*: -. How do you do thisl E,..:Because if the arml ut Fn:. : So it's up to )ou an j message goes somethirrr , relaxl You're in love n'irl'L e :::jeopardy because of this iii:rHeeding rhis messagr c..-: first and foremost tou'ar.1 ',r a:. communication that inclui:. sure any fighrs take placc ..r r.
I'm suggesting here is simLla:

is no need for anlorrc

lt

I find in my work with couples that many partners who don't know how to
fight well did not learn how to engage in rough-and-tumble play during child.
hood. Rough-and-tumble play is extremely important for both boys and girls.

and Perry used a privare 1a:-::

during a fight if you har-en'r ,. how you want to feei and cc.n--:

142

EVI
'spr8 pue sdoq qioq ro; luEr -plpJc Sutrnp Aeld elqrunr-pu

eql uo pllng .rnJf,o soop trlSu B uer{,{\ elellunultuos Pu IeaJ ol luE,^A no.(.^Aol.[ no^ JI lrlSIJ E SuunP tnoqB {iBr os 'PuBqero}eq 4ro.^dPunolE eql PIEI l.ue^Bq
InJ^BId aq ot
^doq lile4 pue tBqlN 'spJrqt Jo ruorj uI eleJlunululoc ol e8enFuel ale'Lt'td E Pasn

8uta,rou1 uo lunof, l(uec

no

'leltuis sI ererl

3ur1sa33ns ut,1

ol

1Y\oq ,^Aou{

l,uoP oq,r\ sla

pue'I

,^Aorl .,\\BS

e,r,r'1 raldetlc u1

'punor8,\puaF; uo eceld aler slq8g '(ue alns

e>leur pue .(eq te se.ulrtuud rnoL Ploq or s'{e'rl sepnlcu} leql uollerlunululoo rno.{ pue no 'r^\ PJB'\\ol lsoursroJ Pue lsrlj ;o uats^s e dola,r.ep uec raulred paree8 eq or lcuepue] ol{l erl^der '1ca31e ul 'uJ a8esseur srgr Sutpeag

uI eq

t(uo.^A

dlgsuorlelar

lno

,,'rq8rl sqr Jo esneJeq.{Predoel e^ol uI er.no ixlar lreqrueruer 'raqlo qree l{lr^t\
slJ0M 1rlM 0l puallu
aLIl puu 'soseJlld

tsnf 'enr.trns ipm auol,rang

in0 \
01 .rarlrrii

rreql
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,11ern

',(e>1o ar,e7a,, :slql e{11 Surglauros seo8 e8esseru ol uelsll ol reulred rnol pue noL o] dn s,lr og

ldqeq te.r,r s(I ueqt

,puet1 raddn arll sureS se^ulluurd;o dture eql JJ esneceg

lsFI] aqr a Bs IIl^\ oq.\\ sropessBqrue 'resol B ePeul sI auo ou pue ',(rolcrn erBIJeP ol euo[ue JoJ Peou ou sI 'ssauIIPueIrJ ]o ereqr '[e1d 1o rutds egl o>iolul e^\ ual{lN 'un; st '11e rar;e '[e14
s,r1

rnol

tlepuessg

oP

nol op mog

uorluilunuuor JilO\ c lpqJa\ xo;druot ssa


u0rls duO u! JduuPd Jno\ o. 'pEalsul 'r-lBlq-qBlq-qulq arll
,,'dn

euot E pue 'pauretureur sr ssauln;le1d Jo osuas y ''(i8n re8 or pe'rlo11e l,us rq8g saldnoc 'auoz [e1d 3rl] uIqlIA slels iq8g poo8 e ]eql aqt ueeru
1

gnls Jaqlo srql ;;u !rir-"'Lri,tL


[

'rerp

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^\ou1

elnras 'sllnPB

s lle^d.

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sE

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Purleu u,; 'i.uos rr.l.. '\p\ a^Ou J0 '(,,ereq uollPn]rs a-;l


aql
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sl lNO ON

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sltll
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'dols ol aurl'aJPl,r? uotjl '(IJOI pIB) ooruqcs P s .


Moq J0 'paFueqc iaAOLr sPLl irMortr J0 'uouM
lELl,&\

'oJII retl

olul enulluor uf, uralled

ueql [e1d

plus

0rl u
.'

ouO

ol fiulleads dJP

roi

-asul laqt Aq >1caqc uI PIeq eq ol Puel oqnt 'sa'Len Pu (lua Jraqt ur roag ere ue4o sJoqJue 'srals8unol sV 'un] poo8 ur IIe illls s.li lnq -serd eq [eur ]urds a,ulrladruoc Jo aar8ep uluaf, V 'uo os pue 'preq os 11nd ro '1ind pue qsnd ol Prtl ^d'oq ureel alN qsnd or tou uosrad reqlo al{l IIal ol
^doq

'ln0.r.
Jo,

aIBl L{tpa

i,

^lllqlsuodsal aluudo,rdciB ll 'u0rl'JaJJ0c


J0 .r0rll0 OLll J0 0u0 ]Pql

ar,l

'Lpoq s,raqloue uo lcBduII Jno pu ql8uerls Jno reAoJsIP sn sdleq oq'tt Suttqts e qlr^A uego 'ralel sauroc l,llereue8 suerunq ro; '(e1d alqtunr-pue'q8nog 'sresol ro sJeuul.t\ pa;e1lap ,{ue

aaJi

tnoqlr^d-unj poo8 ur 11e s,ll lnq 'elllequl Pelrol readde 'fttu

tr'eg1 'elqutnl'Pue

lr uJnl uB3 n0^

Jr aos '1r{3ll

HVrg

oP l.uoP salddnd pue 'suallrl 'ecr4 'ezeB lenlntu 8ur -q8nor {durrs .uretureur allq^eql'sltil \ spunos raqlo Surletu pue Surooc 'suuellegf 'Llsseipua Leld uBr serqEq pu sreqtol\ .e3to^ Pu se.(e rno Sutsn 'a8uer esolf, lE 're.ttSareo l,reruud rno qI^A aceld selel [e1d lsarFea Jno ]Br.[] ur enbrun oIE suEulnH 'SunoL draa, uaq.u trllercadse 'Le1d algrunr-pue'q8no'l asn sletuurBul IIV

NI SflA]]SU

11]M DNITHDIJ

WIRED FOR LOVE


with the nods and winks (or whatever signals work for you) that you use with each other when no dis'
ways you play together. Become more familiar 'We

may not be consciouslr"a feel it in our bodies. \We jusi --

agreement is present, and learn to trust them when tensions arise, as well. If you really trust that neither of you will end up a loser, you can feei more

reliable way to read a partnei

relaxed about the rough-and-tumbie of fighting. You sense when to pursue and when to retreat. To iess secure individuals, the prospect of retreat implies taking a loss or giving up one's stance. It implies defeat, maybe even humiliating defeat. Not so for secure couples. They know they're in it for the long haul'
so they feel free to keep their guard down, even while fighting.

look at our partner, our eve: moistness in his or her er.es. a

lips. Even the most subtle cu play a vital role in this pr..ce, Couples in distress ,.r:r.. take. The loss of continli.--.

tives and then to the anbas,

tracking of one another an:

EXTRCTSE: COIvtE PLAY WITH MEI


When is the last time you and your partner engaged in rou$h-and-tumble play? N4aybe...neverP Well, it's tir-xe t0 r0ll up your sleeves and remove all sharp obiects!
1.

torical perspective. A'err:n=


information and allorls

i:.c:
a,,t"

partner

in

effect moves

mgvs-2nd into a srare -: :due to poor physical p.,,:r. : tively close proximirr (nc :--,
cult to accurately read

Find a safe place where you can both move around freely and not risk

cr:
":-:

=:

injury. An outdoor lawn can work, or a king-size bed or a soft carpet 0r


even a large exercise mat.
2.

major problem when par::r.:i (We saw this with Leia .

Set some grOund rules before you begin. For example,

if elther

yells,

this reason, I recomnrt:.: :tional matters unless the,.' :cues. Why give the am.

"Time out!" both of you must stOp instantly. lf there is anything-fOr exam-

ple, bein$ held upside dOwn-that doesn't feel safe, agree at the get-90 that no one will do this.
Get down 0n the lled (or mat 0r carpet or lawn) together and play. You

r:.
.

-:

Of course, it can be ie:'


work something out n'irh-.
you meet again in pers.,r..

--

can push and pull, roll and curl up. Make all the sounds you want, but try not to talk because that will distract you from paying close attentiOn t0 your physicality. You can analyze things later, if you musl.

your partner's voice ri.ith. *: : your or your partner's piln'.-::to war that could hate bee:sage

on the other's face. \-:,


','.'

when primitives are on tl:e

RTIoTNG YoUR PARTNER


One of the key elements to fighting well is being able to read your partner, to know in any given rnoment what he or she is feeling, thinking, and intending.

THr PrR[s or

An even worse idea ii :-:

these technologies, and of c,

144

SII
ot
uo
^leJ seurof,

tl

uer{^\ enlB^ lBeJS a^Br{


[ue1A1 'Sur8esseul

asrnoJ Jo Pu 'sarSolourpat eseql


sI EeP] esrol(

saldnol

^aq] ]xal Jo SuIlIBtu'e

uela uV

'Surpuetur pue '8ul1urqr '8ur

ot ';aul;ed -tnol, pea-t ol elqe

DNIIHDIJ ]YIIDICI JO SlITld lHI


'qldlB,^A el{l uo ar seAIlIruIJd ueq.tr

'lsnul

,sprold l,llercedsa puB (saJro^ 'ecEJ s.reqlo eql uo eSes tuerf,rlJnsut eq uc no[;o euo;1 Palua^erd ueaq a^EI{ plnoc ]ql JB^d ol
-seru 8ur^ol aJoul e peer

n0A

J|Ja

qsnr.!ree uE aq plnoc erer{t

.tJalB q3rq uo o3 sanrlrulrd s,leuued rnoA ro rnoL

aql lnoqll^\ eclol s(raulred rnod ;1 'Eurpealsnu Lra.t eq uec rq8rsa.{e;o llJeuoq 3uuee11 iepl peq E sI sryI :g3noua sseus l(ueJ 1 'uosred ur ure8e laaru nod 'Jeulled rnod qllLr lno Sutqlauros lro,^d. IJlun tre,,\r ot aAEq o] tue.\{ l,uoP nol ot tu1r\ nol ueq.m auotld arif dn lcrd of 8ut]dutet aq uBc lI 'asrnoc JO [lessacauun eelepS,itue arll ern8 ,(qr15 'senc
;re,ra.od

o1 uolluallu asolc Ful^Pd ruoJ: ,4rl lnq 'lue,u no^ spunos oLll il no^ '^uld puu JoLlloFot (uue1

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1l

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WIRED FOR LOVE


maintaining a 2417 agreement, as we noted in chapter 6. But beware when a disagreement or potential disagreement is in the air. I have seen countless couples get into trouble texting about sensitive issues because they can't read
each other's tone, intention, or feeling.

ExER
This exercise is sinrilar to

Consider Jill and Carol, both twenty-five, who love to use text messaging throughout the week. Both graduate students, they maintain a tether with one another through their cell phones. This is enjoyable when they both feel good as individuals and as a couple, but their texts can tear the tether and become drumbeats of war whenever either feels insecure. Even their emoti.
cons can be misread as hostile and warlike.

take turns reading earh

il= : r:i':-

1. Ask lour partrrer t,; :


0r engaging in anr or through lrarrd a.

r;:
-

lhe emolion Ihror,i.'

',
-

.:

For example, here is a text exchange that led to problems:


Jilt: CaroI:

2.

Your job is to rdti

-."

the speci[it erirot:

need ur lovin right now can't talk can't talk? not asking to *talkx
what?l

3. Then switch roles. \:.r


try to read \olr.

JilI:
Carol:
JiII:

4. You may $ianl to :.i-.


surprised. lf \ ou r,, a'. , plex emotions: for a',ilealous. guiltr.

forget it

ai' r ''-

Carol:

i'm in

a meeting.

talk later
;)

Jill:
Carol:

can't talk later. see ya when i see ya

ok, this is getting me angry. what's the ;) about?


gotta go

FTCH rTNG SMAR


So far we've talked abour h--','.
sadors are managing our f

JiIl:

Because Carol thought

jill

was giving her the brush-offl she ended up

rl:'..

missing their dinner date. In her mind, she was waiting for Jill to clear up what she meant in her text. However, because it is easy to misinterpret or overlook emotions communicated in e.mails or texts, Jill didnt realize she had upset her partner, and subsequently forgot all about the exchange. By the

of whether your partner is

-"-

relationship enduring are hr:,But you deserve more th

.::

is thriving. For this reason.

r::

time they were face-to-face later that evening, both their primitives were
loaded, cocked, and ready to fire. Carol and Jill could avoid these fights if they lessened their reliance on text
messaging. If they continue texting, they need to understand the importance of

have to take responsibilin'ior

the smart vagus and dumb vas. is operating properly, along v.:
breathe, relax your muscles, an.
resources ofyour ambassadors.

the dumb one doesn't. Each par

immediately sending a strong message of friendliness, whether through texting, calling, or making an appointment to see one another as soon as possible.

146

LVI
'a1q1ssod se

uoos

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WIRED FOR LOVE


up. And vice versa. You track each other's moods. In a heated dispute, you pay

"But nobody does rhatl"

attention to how much is too much and how long is too long. You know when to quit or when to change the subject or distract one another. Sometimes it's
best to give things a rest so you both have a chance to cool off. However, don't

suade the other lronr Jorrrr r:-r

"l didnt marrl rou i, r


partner's moral compass.

just leave the room, hang up, or turn away. If you do that, your partner may interpret your actions as dismissive. Rather, make sure the time out is mutually acceptable-say, twenty to thirty minutes to cool off--and not unilap
eral. Taking responsibility in this way is what
ambassadors. It ensures that they

I call smart fighting.

]n all ofthete insranc... the other to do what rher. ',',:mut ual agreement i. in ll;.,.. they are actually exprc::rn. r:
.

Smart fighting is of the ambassadors, by the ambassadors, and for the

good for the relationship.

will stiil be standing at the end. Remember,

There

Ci:. is a better n'ar'. Ir.,

only ambassadors can be influenced, persuaded, cajoled, or seduced. Primitives

another into doing or

rl'r

aren't concerned with maintaining relationships; all they care about is not belng killed. Therefore, your and your partner's primitives better not be the only ones left standing at the end of a fight.
Couples who fight smart seek an outcome that allows both partners to be

Remember, the ou'ner's nL.r,-

winners. They aim for a win-win solution. They say to each other, "'!7e both have to feel good about this," or "I'11 be happy only if you're happy, too," or "'We're

information about vour Fr-f :r-in the best way-for goc,j. :-,- , both of you. Self-intcrcii: , ... good of the relation.hip. . . everybody wins.
Let's examine

in this

together."

At the same time, they aren't afraid to tell

each

hon'rhr. .

other: "We are okay, but what just happened is not," or "You're a dear, but I'm going to get my way on this one," or "I love you, but you're being a pain in the
ass

today and I think you know it." They can say all this because their ambas-

sEEr<txc A FAIR
Donna and Scan. rr r
Sean to join her at rhese

sadors know how to wave the flag of friendliness and how to make sure no

one strays out of the play zone.

-i

event at the high.tech crrntt :r-

i'"':;
g-::-,,

Gooo

FoR ME,
I
see

Gooo FoRYoU
in my therapy practice come with expectations

landscape designer, hatc.

A part of Donna

feels rhar S.-,

So many of the couples

that each partner should know certain things about how relationships ought to work, It's almost as if partners expect each other to come to the table pretrained. It doesn't dawn on them that they must train one another to do things or continue to parent one another in ways their real parents failed. Expecting your partner to share your values at all times, and in all ways, leads
to great disillusionment, disappointment, and anger.

unJer.: :Sean feels that Donna', ir . ,:= among her engineer colLea:;;. about him, she'd Ier hrnr . r: :Let's take a lo.-,k at .cr';:,.
cares fur her, he'd

SCENARIO

"You should wantto do this for mel" one partner explains to the other,

Donna becomes furi.,Li-

-,

trying to persuade him or her.

think rhjs is fair," she c,,nrp. work, and this is my ri'ork. \:,-r
:

148

6tr
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WIRED FoR LoVE


not being supportive of me and my feelings," replies Sean, who's been down this road many times. "You know how much I hate these things, and being forced to go feels unfair to me. How come when I ask for things, you're able to say no, but I don't have the same rights?"
"\7e11, you're

"It's always important tc ', Are my feelings importanr ic "Of course they are," sals
I .l 1tt

"\fhat do you mean? I always

do what you want," Donna objects, poutBesides,

ing. "\7e're always going to your stupid movies."

"Thanks a lot! I didn't know you considered my movies stupid. "You know what? Just forget

wnllel "W'hat do you meanl" a.s Donna sits down ne\r rc thisl If you go with me r.-r:,
you've been wanting to
see.

we see what you want, too. \Ue're always seeing your dumb chick flicks."

itl"

says Donna, exasperated, "I'11 go by

myself." And she walks out of the room.

Sean thinks for a moner: the idea. "That's prettv go.-J.

I'll do it." "Don't do me any favors, and I From another room, Donna shouts back,
After a few moments
pass, Sean shouts, "Okay!

he replies.

Now it's Donna's turn :rhis? Tonight

won't do any for you, either, okay?"

At the last minute, Sean ends


alone.

up going. Donna is relieved not to

go

I'llleave rhe p,:: rounds and not leave cons:i;l


back for twenty minutes."

At

the same time, she feels an underlying anxiety. She

will certainly

pay for this.

'A full twenty


2

minute sl" i

Donna smiles back. "But.'

SCENARIO

"you can't complain for rhc ;:.

Donna notices Sean's discontent with her invitation. She's tired of the effort it takes to get him to go with her, so this time she says, "You know, I
have to be at that shindlg tonight. I can go alone. You do whatever you want." Sean looks at her in surprise. "Really? You mean that?"

"Deali" responds Sear.. couch with him.


this as an unfair deal.

..'

They both leave tbr il-,. r'.

Donna replies after a short pause, "Sure."

"Cooll"

says Sean.

Later, as Donna is leaving for the event, she sees Sean ensconced on the couch, watching his favorite television show. He's h"ppy, but she clearly is not. "'Weil then, bye," she says abruptly, without giving him a hug or kiss.

HousrrcEEPING
I think
ir's obviou:

"Byel" he calls after her, disregarding her blatant cues of unhappiness. "Have a great timel I'11 be here, waiting." Though he is glad he's off the hook,
Sean can't escape the feeling he

only fair solution.

ur::.. But so ::.:

either one partner or

the

--..=

will pay for this later.

they don't know the basic :u-.

SCENARIO

Sean states strongly,

"I really, really, really don't want to go to this thing


is very important to

Of course, it's onh' na:;: same way or want to do rhe .-: action movies, for exan-iple. = 'acari.':.

tonight."

want to spend mone1, on an e: save up for a longer :


ner's family one time, bur nc,t
r

"I understand, I really do," replies Donna. "But this


me."

is that none of this should be

150

ISI
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111M DNIIHDIJ

WIRFD FOR I,OVE


And it won't be if you learn to negotiate effectively. In
a nutshell, (1) your

NorHIxG

SWEI

negotiations don't have to be entirely symmetrical, (2) bargaining is fine, and (3) any compromises you make should not result in one person losing.

Dennis and Kathleen are :

Think of this process as good housekeeping for your couple bubble. Next time a fight is in the offing, instead of expecting your partner to
function
as

another, especially when taik::

tive for either of them. Ther :..

your clone, put your collective energies into making sure the solu-

how difficult. Neither partn-:


being shut down by the orhe:

tion feels meaningful and worthwhile for both of you. Keep at the negotiations untii you reach that point. In essence, there can be no forward
movement, no decision making, no action unless you and your partner agree

messages to the other abour c --;

the solution will work for both of you. We got a glimpse of this process in scenario 3. In it, Donna and Sean negotiated as anchors. By contrast, when an island faces a situation in which
each partner wants to do something different, the only apparent solution is to

like. If Kathleen need) rL' ::L:. won'r like, she does :o qui.i
hit-and-run, a strateg)' L'oth :.-.. Forinslance, both ar. .r -

niceties, nothing stressiu,.

go their separate ways.


way of the wave.

in scenario 2. On the other hand, as we saw in scenario 1, one partner can bully the other into submission. This is the
saw this

'SVe

Kathleen says, "'We have i,:' -. Dennis's recent denrotirrt^ ,- r


Dennis lowers his hea;.
we have to talk about this

She knows this is going r0.:-'-.:

If you and your partner reach a point where you still arent both satisfied with a solution, some compensation or repair may need to take place. This
can be tricky, especially when past experiences ofinequity, unfairness, injus-

t:, ::::.

"No," she

says

quickLr'. : ,

tice, and insensitivity color the present situation. I said negotiations don't have to be symmetrical, in the sense that one or the other of you may appear to give up more at any particular moment; however, over the long run, any
inequities need to balance out. Sticking to the principle of "good for me, good for you" should prevent either ofyou from keeping a tally against the other.

changes the subject.

Dennis quickly rcrr\-ris. Later that


your evening. ',i:--...

job..."
Dennis sighs anJ :a\

).

about it nocu."

Kathleen kisses hirrr

OvEn THE LoNc HRur


Some issues between partners can be resolved, if not immediately, then even-

-:.:
:

don't want to talk about rh:.. tomorrow, or I will, okai'l"

"Okay," he says, sn-rilinE :.

tually. Other matters may never be resolved, and may always be a source of potential conflict. In fact, because no two brains are alike, the chance of two
peopie agreeing on everything is slim to nil. For this reason, John Gottman, a

And the conversation i... about his job aren't fu111'res..l,,'t


topic. However, no one car. .i another. They don't ar.oid in--F
expect a bad reaction. Rarhe:.

researcher and marital expert, believes that couples don't need to solve all

their unresolved conflicts, but they do need to deal efGctiveiy with these issues (Gottman and Silver 2004). And I would agree. Couples who are in it
for the long haul know how to play and fight well, remain fearlessly confident

tent managers of one anothe : . inspire each other. It's clear ri, occur are only minor speed bu:

in the resilience of their relationship, and dont try to avoid conflict. 152

SI
'ruerp
JoJ

sdulnq Peeds Joulru PBor ol{l uo

'!uo

ere

rnlco

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'

Ir ur ore oq,tt saldno3 'ee:eseqt qtr,r\ {entrca;;a leap lle J^los ol poau r,uop selj
B ozlrt Jo

'reqlo qrEa ieqt srq8r; due og 'peg Fuol eql loJ lr ur ar,'(egl ralc s.ll sre8euetu lual pu 'aluen]Jur 'erlloos 'rllgs or ^\oq ^aoul pue laqlouB auo Jo ralderlc uI Pessnf,slP a'trr se 'raq]eX 'uollJeer peq e rcedxe

.ed*o,

ere

laql

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r,uare sr{r rnoq llel ol tulq ro; PrEq sr ilps PuE 'pa^loser uollBsraluor eqr PUV sEuqaa; s(sluueq '[ep 3ur.uo11o; agr eceld e>iE] seoP

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4lt ot

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E

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luelrodrur are legl scrdol lnoqe Surlier ueq'r 'llercadsa 'raqloue [at1; 's'relq8r; ]radxe ere ueeFlle) Pue sluua(I

DNU
11IM DNIIHDIJ

lHI

UICNN IdI^^S DNIHION

pue 'eug sr SututeS:e.1 rrno,{ (1) '11aqslnu e uI '.\le-!I

WIRED FOR LOVE


RTTTZTTMBER

THE GOOD, FORGET THE BAD

example, "He made nrt

If your partner tends to remind you of things you have done to injure him or her, chances are your response is along the lines of "\fhy do you always
remember such things? Why can't you just forget?"
You want to move on. But does it ever occur to you that you helped create

the cooking." Don t n, gave you-even the er.;-:

,,

3. Al lhe lop ol the ne\' less time laborirrg concrete.

that memory in the first place by not doing anything to fix it in time?

Any intense feeling-positive or negative-that stays in our awareness for too long will be transferred into long-term memory' The ambassadors,
notably the hippocampus, are responsible for converting short'term memories into long-term ones. As a primitive concerned with our safety and security,

4. I abel lhe last r olLrn " -there isn't d IoLrrn Because rou proba: column, do lltir ilrirr .=
.

the amygdalae make sure we don't forget painful memories. In this


grudges are formed.

way,

)0U Caube troLtbie

a.

If you're in it for the long haul, it behooves you and your partner to avoid creating and maintaining grudges. Do this by allowing your ambassadors to overrule your primitives. Fix your bad memories so they become good memo'
ries. Kathleen dld this by insisting Dennis talk with her about his iob.

5.

Now study your iinlsl-,.:

be :r.. you receive from rr-"r columns shoLrld

if

she

6. You misht find


letter of apologr

had let

it

go when he was reluctant to talk, they might both have had bad

memories: for Dennis,

it would have centered on the job itself, and for

things \'our partrrrr-

ro,:'..' -:
ror :-":
1 i_
,

would have been about her husband withdrawing from her because he was too mired in depression. The idea is to transform bad memories into good ones before they enter Kattrleen
long-term memory as grudges. However, it's possible to transform a bad mem'

it

finally, you mighl \\2.'

well, your parlner nra,"

ory even years later. I'm not suggesting long-standing grudges will disappear with a snap of your fingers, but if you and your partner are willing to do the
work, you can get past them.

EtcHrH Gutotr.l
strong and secure couple bubi
are able to pick up on each

EXTRCTSE: THE GnETTTULNESS INVENTORY


This exercise is derived from Naikan, the Japanese art 0f self-reflection. lt can be difficult t0 d0, especially if you're a wave, but it is well worth the effort. Take

The eighth principle ln rhLs : must learn to fight well. \\ :-;:

rri

at least thirty minutes t0 d0 this exercise.

You don't ignore problems -i:.rect, repair, or wave the t'lae c,t Here are some supporrir.:

1. 0n a piece of paper, make three columns. 2.


At the top of column 1, write, "what he/she gave me." List everylhing y0ur

partner has given you in the last week. Be specific and concrete-for

1. Losing is not allori'ed. and your partner are n

154

ssI
ot Sultdruet eq
^ur nol. alns lu.I 'asol ol

lI 'satull lV
slu.^A

'suolldecxo ou eJE JaulJEd rno^ Pue

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Olul'u0jla

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a

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uuc ll 'u0rlcolJoJ-Jlas l0 l.lP

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AUOINIANI

SS]I

TTdI)NIUd DNICIIND HIHDIT

alit op ol Surtpar ere


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E

JOutrE.

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uo
'.

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WIRED FOR LOVE


assert your

will, to try to pick up a few wins for yourself. But honestly,

what value will your pro-self interests have if a fight results in your partner being knocked out, on tiit, or otherwise non-compos mentis?

Not much. That would be a Pyrrhic victory.


So, you have to retrain yourselves. You have to rewire your ways of fighting. Think in terms of defusing conflict that turns ugly, rather than necessarily resolving it entirely. Most importantly, when you fight, both of you have to win...or you will both lose. And that's not

an acceptable outcome.

2. Giving up isn't allowed, either. Let me be clear, smart fighting is not about abdicating your position or giving up your self-interests. It's about wrestling with your partner, engaging without hesitation or avoidance, and at the same time being willing to relax your own position. You go back and forth with each other, until the two of you come
up with something that's good for both of you. You take what you each

Love How to Througl

bring to the table and, with it, create something new that provides
mutual relief and satisfacrion.

T n the last charr.-. ., :

3. Every fight brings a new day. In asking you to fight well, I'm asking your ambassadors to rule over your primitives. tWe all know that can be tough, and even more so in the midst of battle. So don't expect 100
percent success at your first try. heats,
tomorrow.

I I

vorrr"li trom s.'ir: : no* to do rhi. ,,.:

'-:

during fights, but s(,n-.c:.:.:they may have callel i r-:,-.:


and ready to go at r fl-. F.':r. ways that leave h'orh troops. war, with no hope Lrt 1;',,, -::'..

If the minute a conversation you forget everything I've said, don't give up. Tiy

over-

again

f!:i::-'r:-

read one another, hor,. rr'

: r : ::l these couples, too, $ ill r:.- .:. able to rekindle ir. It'. .:-. -

All this

se

r\

to love well.

In this chapter, u'e l-,r.- .' tives to make love nor rt:r .1 ficult as you mighr rhink. .-.::it's like to feel intinateh.
love is what brought \ou grow dim.
c,-,:-

J.:

acquainted with war.s to rekrn

156

'rurP

,4aoJ3

ot slrBls l]-aroJeq ue^e ro-ueq^\ O-IIJ eql elpuDleJ ol s^B,^d qll^\ PalulEnbcE 'ecEld lsrlJ eql uI JerlleSol no^ lq8norq lBq \ sI e^ol euro3aq o] sr peeu no^ IIV 'pelreuuoc l1a]erurlul IeaJ ol a{II s,ll Jo Treds tq8uq teqt '.\a111 uegr erol/^{ tq.^A ,4Aou{ Lpearle reutred rnod pue noL '1e laUV '>lulql lq8lut no^ se linf,I; .Euurmat eturrtln eqt sr srr{J 'Je.^d lou e^ol elEul ol se^Il JIp sB tou s(tr puv -nuud rno[ pue sroPesseqtue rnoL esn o] .l.rog lB lool eao. 'raldeqc slgl uI .lla.4d. a^ol ol ol elq
.reqra8orle esla Futqleuros Pu 'llo1rt lqBU or Sutql euo s.ll t,uare
'lae>l '(laleruuln tng

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uaq,^d.

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:_: -

lcBluos e^E qSnorql


o^o1 epul{eu ol /KoH :esol3 dn tI o^o-I
6

s.lJ 'SlSJlJlutJlJs llirl'. :- = iou st SurlqBIJ uErus :l::-t :-

lou s(lqt puv 'aso] r|,--:.


nod ueq.u 'Lltuerrod-::: -. reqrer 'L13n surnt tEr.{- -::':'
,

;o

s,{e,lr

:no,{ e:r.la;

f,...1

_-

.._

lsllueut sodruol-uotr :!:."r,: :'rno.{ ur st]nsol

nlrdvH)

',{psauoqlng Jlasln!.

tr18rj : i. ;'.i - -.-

WIRED FOR LOVE

Lusr Is er n DrsreNCE
I often tell coupies who are striving to recreate and hold onto
a

Viktor's lace lighrs uf a:


pocket. "l say we get more intimate
a

penth.-.

talked about being right ir. -.


afternoon, dancing in the
e.,'e

connection that lust is at a distance, but love is up close. I advise them not to confuse the two, and not to depend on lust to rekindle their romance. This is
a mistake too many couples make.

Thtiana stops him. "\'e.. ing," she says. "But rve alsr t:

\What do you think about sr,r:

Viktor scrunches up

:::

BECOMING STRANGERS
Consider Viktor and Tatiana, both fifty-five years old. Their two chil' dren, twins, recently left for college, and the couple find themselves with more time alone together than they've had in years. Initially Tatiana looked forward to the romantic vacation they'd promised each other' However, after a few weeks, her enthusiasm gave way to an unexpected anxiety. Somehow, when the kids were around every day, she had failed to notice the distance that had developed between her and Viktor. Mealtime conversations revolved around school activities, sports, and homework. It was easy to overlook her
husband's minimal role cupied with work:

expenses barred. We'r'e

t,,:--

grabs her and waltzes her .-r-

time of your lifel" Tatiana senses her h.:,b. disappoinr him. She reli: :-; . if it only accenl uates rhe -:,:

help feeling an exrravag::i- ' what they need to gei l--ic.. : This is a couple u'ith.,u: nol even clear to borh

lr':.;:

in these interactions.

Besides, he was always preoc-

treat one another aln-ir,sr :--. .


cultivare a sense of unt,rr.r.--, of marriage withour

it

was hard to imagine him without a cell phone glued to

his ear, even at the dinner table. Only now, with just the two of them at home, is Tatiana fully realizing the degree to which their intimacy is lacking. It's not as if they're fighting or arguing. There is nothing obviously "wrong." \7e11, except perhaps for the infrequency with which they have sex. But even that has never been officially
acknowledged as a problem by either of them. In fact, Viktor often declares

and provide a certarn rhrir-. 'i,

j, -. days is tepid because rr :. -' ..


'r..: have settled for rhar hc.-

-,-

up close,

his love by sending his wife flowers and fancy gifts, something he has done throughout their marriage because he wants her to feel he is perpetuaily wooing her. Tatiana decides to talk to Viktor to see if they can plan a vacation that might rekindle the romance in their relationship. Because she knows he's excited about their upcoming trip and sees it as romantic, she doesn't want to
come off as too critical or disparaging.

Tur Pnrmrrrr.r
Srrrctxc
F.qrrttL
Of course. partncr( - rc:. way. At the beginning ,)r . -:
distance. \(/e risualh

alf: r

.:

"Have you given more thought to where we should go?" she asks tentatively one evening, as they get up from the dinner table, having exchanged only a few words during the meal.

gross physical anatomr-, ap:..r,

Our brain plals an in-:'


senses ro gather infornrai:.
,

158

65I

uo Surpuedop 'luetuuoJllue Jno uI aldoed lnoqe uollEurloJul JeqleE ol sesues tueJo#Ip uo saIIoJ t1 'ssaco"td slql uI eloJ luelrodurt ue sLeld ulerg rno

'uo os pue 'ro1oc

leq

'Sunuoor8 'laredde 'druoleue lecrslqd ssor8

pe8ueqcxa 8ur^teq 'a1qel :aui -Bluat slse eqs ,,;oE plnoqs 3

leql

:srolcJ llalre,t B o] SuiproJf,E reqlouE auo esrerdde {lenslt alN 'aruE}sIP Jo sE 'dlgslrnoc;o SutuurBag aqr ry '[ear e ls;g tr11ereua8 a.rrr 'sre,to1 lB leeru ^\eu uets I,uoP o.&\ 'lseel tV 'asolJ dn sdentle l.ual sJeulJed 'esrnoc 1g
JJo

ol luAr lpsaop aqs 'onueruo: s.aq s,rou>l eqs asnecag 'drq teqt uonrA e ueld uer .rrq

,trl){vlllwYi DNI)IIS
:-IYSIVUddY .SIAIIIWIUd

lHJ
asolc dn

-oo.tr Lllenredrad sr aq

1aa-r

ot
-.:1

auop serl eq Surqraruos 'sr,lr:


sarElf,ap ueuo rotTrn 'tce-I

dllercg;o ueeg releu ser{ tEr{l

o^ol e^Erl ot e>lel PIno^\ 1I lq/\\


asoqt IaaJ

^Aou{

l,uop [aql asnBf,eq ]Bql

JoJ

Pelllas e^BI{

eqt roJ sdeqrad rdaoxe

'11e.1.
s.

ro Suuq8g ar,.{aqr JI s tou

Lagl 'acuetslp E tE Lluo ststxe terlt e^ol uo Peseq sI lI asnereq plder s1 slep [eq] tuauretrcxa [ue ]ng 'ocro^IP Sur;eplsuoc lnoqll^\ a8ureru ]o slql rse 'lllJql ulelJaf, e aptlord pue
sreed dtuemt q8norqt tI eperu seg aldnoc

Surzrleer l,y1n; euerrel Srouj,

ol penl8 euogd

11ec E

tnor{ti.

lsnl ateraua8 ot ra.r,rod arll sBI{ lt Sut,r.erteq 'l]uerpuelun Jo esues B elell]lnc Llleuorlualur o] s JBJ os saoE rot{lA'sre8uerls sE lsouIIE Jel{lou euo leell euop tal '1no euo8 seg alIJ el{t tql rual{] Jo I{}oq ol Jeall uola lou erll lnoqlt.u eldnoc E sI sIqI

Leql

^Q,tr

s.tl 'a^ol rraqt elpuqer dilenuttuoc ot

-roard sdenle sE.^[ eq 'saprs:i rer{ {oolra^o ot l,see sE.\\ tl '


POAIOAOJ SUOrJsreAuOf, eruE.rr!

esuElsrP er{t esrlou ot

peil!:

t.uBJ eqs 'eruu aurBs aril


Jotsesrp epoq plnoc

^tIIqB uo 'rer{to rlcBe qtr.,rd lf,eq la8 ot peau.{ai1r regm IJBI] tpsr ereds ol luaurour eau E lnoqll.^ uoIlBf,A lue8e.terlxa ue Surtee; dleg lv 'luaql uee^\leg acuElslp eql selnluecce Lluo 1t;t euIEJ uI teanar ternb
e JIasJaI{

sllal erls

'ulq

'arrogaurog dlerxue patraJr;. rarye 'ra,ramoH 'reqto rpEe F

luroddesip

pelool eueueJ

L11errru1

's:ra

ol luBl\ l,useop puB ulselsnqlue

eurnuaS s.Puqsnq Jeq sesuos euEIleJ

((iajll rno^Jo atuE eqr nod 'lre.tr ]snf,, 'ruoor 3uur1 eql punoru rerl sazlle.^A pue raq sger8 ^\oqs II.I ueqr 'sq8nel eH i(isurqeJ Jo lruald or spl{ eqt ueI] e^(al1 'Pelreq sasuadxe ou 'dp1 J?4o sr srql,, 'sulrelcxe ar1 ,,',(auo11,, 'eJJ slq dn sarpunrcs

gtr^\ se^lesueqt purJ aldnc: 'PIo srEa.\ :.'

-llql

o,^Al

rleql

..lterlt aIII 'etetutlut a;oru Surgteutos lnoqe

lunp
lng,,

nod oP

.IollIA leql6

'aceldel;

qtr.^d ulqc E pue 'aure61 lnoqe pa>llel oslB e,^

(legt

'sLes eqs ,,'8uI

-zeure aq plnof, tr pue tnoq pe1let eA,e,Aa 's41,, 'wtq sdols eultel ((-surnesnLu el{l 'sluJnelsal lseq oql 'SuIueAe eql u1 Surcuep 'uoourerye

ol lou iueqt

sI slr{J 'scuBuror rlerlt elpul-.i; I 'esoJr ::. asr^PB


E

eqt ur seeuneru op UBJ alN 'uoltoB eqt Jo retuec ut lq8u Suteq rnoqe pe11el sde,up a\elN'ueDequl4tr u^\otu^\op u] etrns asnoqtued e leB e,tr.{es 1,, 'la>1cod
sFI otul auoqd 1ec sil{ stsnrrlt pue req ot surnJ eq se dn stq8n eleJ

etBurltul eJour

otuo PIoq pu

s.rot{l1

lSO'ID dN SI EAO]

WIRED FOR LOVE


whether they're at a distance or close to us. When you see someone across the room, for instance, you use your far visual system (which some refer to as the some refer

to as the i.,:;---.

deemed safe and those bsr:..

still or moves toward or away your amygdalae and other with from you. This visual system works in tandem primitives to determine whether the person is safe or unsafe, attractive or unattractive, and whether you want him or her to approach. Remember, our primitives' main objective is to not be kllled. Beyond that, they are invested in perpetuating the species. For this reason, they are experts in detecting the
dorsal visual suean) to track if he or she remains

As you move to\\:ard ar


distance of two to ihree re.:
adjusts to the near visual srrr your brain is predisposed tc r face as they shift and chanse.
eyes dancing and

pupil: ,,pc

potential for lust, and do it best from a distance. \7hen it comes to mate selection, our brain prefers

vous systems as the tuo ..i'.


a

simple neurobiologi-

and body.

cal load; in other words, it prefers familiarity. A person who appears too unfamiliar is likely to create a complex load and thus repel our primitives' Too

A person Looks qu: Most of us initialh' scar

mouth and then the eves. Be,


social and emotionai perce.i

much stranger-ness is threatening. (I use the term stranger'ness-as opposed to strangeness, meaning weirdness-to refer to the quality of being like a
stranger.) Familiarity

left eye (rhe right hemispi^.=:.

with just the right amount of stranger-ness to

spice

things up can cause an attraction that brings us into closer physical proximity. Then, at close range, our ambassadors have a chance to become engaged and

begin the process of psychobiological vetting to determine whether this person meets our criteria for a long-term relationship. In the end, romantic love must pass muster with both our primitives and our ambassadors. Lust only has to pass muster with our primitives.

Our gaze triangulates bei,,i'ee to focus on the left for cue. tions to this. People in soine ; impolite or inappropriare. C'
ence, avoid eye contact eirhe:

to look for cues on the rr,cr: pick up cues in the ere.. Another near sense ih.-:
We appraise another's bi :. the obvious level of pcrru:-.:i subtle scents produced b-,' ::ness, sexual arousal, feai. :.-. seem energetic and indesc::':

LovE Is Up CIOSE
So, what exactly happens when two people are in close proximity? What makes the sparks-and I don't mean just lustful sparks-fly? I think it's worthwhile to examine the neurobiological dynamics that come into play
when we first fall in love, because these same processes are the key to rekin-

tained touch. We mav e\-en -r

my heart beat stronglr- tust b','

dling love throughout the relationship.

TUI

AMBASSADORS, APPR,TISIL: CI-osI AND PERSONAL


a

How Wt

Fnlr_

We fall in love at close pi,


senses become

that some can conjure up thrr


Most notably, as we approach

potential partner, our near

lust masquerading as lot'e.

engaged. These include first and foremost our close-up visual stream (which

160

t9r
qrlq^,\) ureeJts lensr-r Jr.-:,;

'e^ol
tsnl {par
sr

sE

Surperenbseur lsnl

aUIOf,eq SeSUeS leaU ll-rti '.I?

]Eqt Jo 'elue}srp e te ro f,setuey q8norql dn e;nfuoc uec awos ]Bql


3sol3 lE e^ol uI IIBJ el6.

purl peur8eurl er{t tou 'e^ol IEaJ ueru I 'dtrurxord

IAO-I NI ]]VJ IM

:IYS]I

^^OH
-urIeJ ol oqt a.te s:s:::,

t1a; 1,, 'sl,es euoeruos

(('req ot txau Surpuets f,q lsnf Ll8uorts leaq ueeg ,ftu uegm 'eldtuuxe ro; s 'elqequcsapul pue clra8raue uleas e a8e8ue uale,(eut alx\'I{Jnol PeuIEt

leql suondacred asues rlcrtdrur;o l.tatren

Luld olur ^aI euror ler{t s::-;: s,r lulrit 1 ;,{g-s1:r:. teql6 2l,rrr-urxo:d a;.': -

alotu lleurs uec osle

uo dluo lou tng Surpnlcur

-sns ro JeIJq uI e8e8ue deur ar16 'eTISIp ue^e PUB 'rea; 'lesnore ienxes 'ssau -IIpueIU tseF8ns legt urets[s aulrcopueorneu al{l i(q pacnpord s]uacs allqns pue 'sau8o1oc 'serun;red Jo ia^el snol^qo el{l uo ropo dpoq s,;erpoue esrerdde er16
er16 'sdeos
's1e,l,a.1 1era.r.es

'llatus Jo asuas Jno sr l]trurxo;d osolc uI se8e8ue

lerll

asues JEou

rel{louv
>1ctd

'saLa arll ur sen? dn

'Sarulltuu.i

:r

ot elgun ere pue ,(poq eql;o slred raqto Jo qtnoru eqt uo senc
IeISEa

roJ

lool ol

puu salrlrurlJd :no u-:,: -red srql Je!1e!$


'drlurlxo.rd

tI pur; Laqf esnecaq Jo sureJuoo dfa;es

.roJ

Jarltle lf,luoc e'{e prole 'acue

-nuur lerntlnc;o luapuedepur 'slenpl{pul Jer{}O 'eteudorddeur to elrlodrur

aur;::--,_

pue pa8e8ue eruol3i lecrs.iq;

-r-1s -

-r

it _
-

tctuor ale tcelp Jeplsuoc 'aldtuexe ro; 'sarnllnc euros uI a1doe4 'slql ol suoll -dacxa luetu 'eslnoc;o 'ere ereql 'Llayes ]noqe senJ JoJ ];el eqt uo sncoJ o] e.^d tnq'eLe Uel puB rq8u pue qtnotu eqt uoe^\teq seteln8ueu] ezeB rng
puet

artds

ol

ssau-:aEu:::; _. :

e>1tt

Sureq Jo .\-tllEr.: t----_'

pesoddo sB-ssar--:_:'.

.:''-

'(.(poq eql Jo apls r;el aqt o] petceuuoc-ssorr sI areqdslurarl rq8tr aql) aLa 1a1 s,uoslad raqto eqt tB eroul >lool ot puet e^d 'uorldecred leuoltoure pu Ierf,os ur sezrlerceds eragdsruraq lq8rr s,urerq Jno esnEcag 'saLe aqt uaqt Pu qtnoul

ooI

'se^nrrur:d

:n: -:_=: ,
r ;::-:_

-BJun oot sreedde ar-{-\'. "j."::; -t8o1orqo.tnau aldurs

er{t uo lsrrl Sursnco; 'a8uer asolc uI eJE} aqt uEJs Lllerlrut sn Jo tsoJAI 'ecuetsrp t uer-l] esolc dn tuereJJlp arrnb s>1oo1 uosrad y '.{poq pue
acBJ eql ur IrBleP erour eas uEc notr 'lrBralul no.{;o oaril er{l sB srllelsl,s sno,l, .rcu Eurzzr.q;nol, qlurr aunl ur Sursolc pue Suruedo s11dnd pue Sutruep sal,e aqt (euot ur{s ur suor}Bn}cnlJ crdocsoprale4 eql 'e8ueilc pue }ll{s [eqt se ace;

aqf Suucafep ur sl:aj:,-e

::,

oqt Jo salcsnu qtoouts 'aug ar{} :arBJ er{t uI oIBt ol pasodsrperd sr urerq rnod 'dtrurxord esolJ ur uosred legtoue Suuaayq 'ruBeJts IBnsrA Jseu oql ol slsnlDe

pJlsa^ur ele .(aq: .t: q- . '_ :no ':aquretuag 'q:: . -: : . ro e^rlcJll 'eJEsun :t ?::

urerq rnod se Surtelrsetl;.1esrnod pu1; ,{eru noL 'taay aerl{t ot o1'tl Jo eruetslp alerurxordde uB urqlr. a eruoo pue uosrad rer{louB preldol e.tour no,rt sy
'pe^resqo dlesolc Suraq esoql pu
eJs

j Jaqto pue ae1ep8-irue l:i,--.. t. '--Le,tre

;o pJE,{\ot

SJ.\.\LU

peuraep

slcelqo .ro eldoed ro; pe^Jeser '(uDar,$ Ivnsrft lDuuaft erl] sB ot raJer eulos

el{l sE ol JeJeJ auos utt_-,r, eql ssotJe auoaluos a:s :. -.'. '

rsol:) dn sl 1Ao1

WIRED FoR LOVF


The eyes play an important role in igniting reai love. When you gaze inro your partner's eyes, you can see not only his or her essence, but the entire play
of the nervous system. You can witness the live, exciting, and rapidly changing inner landscape of emotion, energy, and reality that belongs to and defines your partner,

I would agree. In la;:.

--

iarity when thel are .r-.':.


easily maintained ar

: l.- ::

up,

it

becomes

inrpr'::.:.:

because at close f dnsc. :.-

It is an unavoidable fact that the body shows signs of deterioration as we age. The most obvious signs, such as changes in hair coloq weight, posture, or agility, are apparent at a distance. Closer up, signs of aging include wrinkled
skin and gnarled fingers. But have you noticed the one body part thar seems miraculously immune to aging? The eyes! As long as we're mentally and emo.

ently strange anJ cr:'.- .=.. which makes Lls a\\ arq -. just enough familiarir'. :- : -:
-

tionally healthy, they remain beautiful, vibrant, and vital. It's as though, through them, we have the means to fall in love permanently at our disposal. A few minutes of sustained gazingcan lead to relaxation, a sense of safety,

EXTRCISE: Fn.c
Try this exercise \\itir

,,

,,'"
, ,:

and full here,and.now engagement. Attachment authority Daniel Stern


(2004) terms this moments of meeting.

outdoot area \\hete \, r,r[] when ]ou meel Pa(lt ' .

''-

'

that's convenient to llirrli-

MTTTING AGAIN AND AGAIN


Kent and Sandra are in their fifties. They have been married for twenty. five years and have grown children who are now out of the home. Though
each remains physically

1. Stand or sii
partnet

ii' - >: hott hi: ." " .'


,r':

ficafion. f)rr\
Don't starei

from thenr.r See

fit, neither has done anything radical to offset the

h-

:-

'"

,
,

natural aging process. Many of their friends have undergone plastic surgeries and injection treatments, but thus far this couple have resisted the peer pressure to remain unusually youthful.

2. Afler d teu r,;''..

frontearltotlr''
3. Finalll.

-'..,

'

Kent and Sandra realized early in their relationship that gazinginto each other's eyes had the power to rekindle strong feelings of love. Kent says,

attend to \our 1,ail":"


r orrr

ltrrl'- F,
-.

"\7hen I look into Sandy's


over again."

eyes it's as

if I'm meeting her for the first time all


see so

e\er, heep \0Ll|

smell and lour lr. c-'' ,

Sandra echoes that sentiment.

"I never tire of looking at Kent. I

much in his eyes, beyond anything I could put into words." Recently, Kent and Sandra have noticed that friends who complain of boredom and dissatisfaction in their long.term relationships tend to avoid
close gazing. These couples often talk and joke about lusting over strangers ar a distance, as if that could solve their problems. Kent and Sandra wonder if

4. Switch roles. arrrt '-1 about your da\.

5. Compare note\.
mOst connected?

H,'\'.

0pen and closed)

a|ii

the tedium their friends suffer isn't parrly due to a lack of close gazingand the

inability to rekindle love.


162

E9I

eqt pu Eurze? asotl: I r{::


dp0lc0uu0c lsotll JI lepuo^d BrpuEq

Fu: -_:--

puu puu uedo (pesolc loo1 n0^ plp luorxotu lellm lV iJoJltp acuutstp u 13 'salou e;udLuo3 '9 se,{e Utr,r,t) dn esolc Fut}uler ;o sacueuadxa aql plp MoH
',{up rno,4 lnoqu no,{ fiur1su ;aul.rud ;no,,i tllt'u

le s:e8ue;ts re.\o Eur-.:- .plo^e ot puet sJtu... -: ;o urelduor oq.\\ rF-: -.- ..

UFno;q1

sdats luadel puu 'soloJ t1cllms

't
oS ees

.1_

'

I 'lue)

lE ir'-. j

'Furruoq osJnoc J0 pull 'qcn01 pu llotlls sp qDns 'sosuas Juou Jot.llo ;no,{ ,{1uo osn puu pesolc se,{e ;no,{ deel lane -M0r,l 'orurl srql ',{ltultxord 0s0lc u! lcBq uollusJonuoc otll 0pnlcu0c ',{1;uut1 'g
'se,{e s,.touuud lno,{ ol puelle ioJoJaq s polcauuoc su laal no,4 o6 'uluFV 'no,{ uoomloq leaj ,{luonrl ls30l ]e anuq 'a;qtssod Jl JoLllo L.lcllo tlIoJJ

j,- :-- -' " ll elun lsll eql 's(es lua;q J.\o[ .]. ,- - :
q3ea olur Surze6 req:

:..

-serd read eqt patsrs:l r..,'

uudu anou 'Furyut potlslul3 suq raupud lno,{ e;o3eq 'so}nulu

MoJ

u JaIJV 'Z

'uollurrJoJut to1 se,{e s,;eupud ;no,{ Fuluuucs deey iaJuls 1,u00

eql

seuaS;ns:riseld pu ::;' -or 1e}pr-:-'--lesJJo

t13noq1 'euroq :Ll: -.{tue,nl lo; pJtllP'.u

: -'-;:-

-rJulc JoI suollsenb

'aull auus aLll lu se,{o alll 0l puatlu pug uolsll uuc no,{ Jl oas iuaLll tu0J} uualF no,{ 0p sanc luqM 'se,{a s,;euuud ;no,{ ol u0!lu01lp ,{ed 'uottuclJ lse puu ue1s1; no,{ sV 'suM ,{ep leq J0 slq Moq reuuud

rnoA 1sy'lLudu laeJ oMl uuql oJotlt 0u',41tLu1xold 0s0lc u! lls J0

puuls'L

'no{

1o t.lloq 01 luatuonuoD s,lutll

uJels ieIuEQ

eurt ,{uu lr? I 0p uuc no,{ lnq '^p 0t-11 }0 puo otll lB Jatlto Ucuo loou no,{ ueqnn aslcJoxa slql Fulop tsaFFns | 'JotlloFol 0u0l? aq uuc no,{ oJOLIM saJE J00pln0 e J0 [il00J eF;ul B p00u lltM no^ 'louupd ;noA qllnt oslcJOXO stut ,{;l
aFJpl

',4re;esyo asues E 'u

'\lllrlu--: r:,' : :

)fvg
JoJ

CINYIIVJ OTXVIN WOXJ

:IISI]UIXI

-oruo pue l,lletuaru

'lesodsrp rno te .ip -r:'- .' 'q8noqr sB s.ll 'lrl-. :-: ::;

: :

'tuetuallrxe pue e^ol elPul{ar ot sseu're8uerls Pu q8noua lsn[ ^lIrIIIurE} pue dlle,tou;o ure8e eJB,{\e sn se]eul I{f,Itl^\
s^\olle

srql 'lrr]rqerctpardun

sure;s tqt tred rp.':. ; pJl{urr,r\ epnllur F:-i:.'. .. lo'alnlsod'lqfira.1':---. :


e,/r\ sE

--

'ssau-le8uells s(raqto qre jo ere,4de aulof,aq arlX 'xelduror PuB a8uerls {lua -loqur sr aas e,ld. let1,u 'sade s(Jeqlou olut 3ut4oo1 a.ro. se 'e8uel esolJ le esnf,eq

uoI]BlotJOteF

_:

-i
-

sour3ep puB

ol s8u,-'r -- - ,

sl slI{J '[l]reIIFueJ Jo alels lelol E uI uIEuIar ol elqtssoduu satuocaq ]l 'dn Iool e^\ uaqlN 'ef,uelslP e l Peuleluleu l'psee
asolc seLe s.reqtoue euo otul

-Bueqo ,{1prde.r pue Leld

'j - - :
,

altua eqt tnq '?t *:"i i:


ezeB noL

suollou c1lels JJo 3ur,u1 ere [et1l uagm d]tret ere teqt suollou 'reqtouu euo Jo o.^d,l roJ Lsee s,lt 'lce; u1 'aar8e plnom 1

lliue; Surtlnp otul elles ot eldoad

otul

uaq.\ ':: . '

rsol:) dn sl r^ol

WIRED FoR LOVE

Up CToSE wITH ISTRNoS AND WAVES


some individuals, especially islands and waves, have trouble up close. They may not pick up important cues from their partner or simply not pick them up

touch sometimes made anything but


a

hin-L

her breath and her skin. He

brief peck ;,::

Irene, herself an islar.: burie.l herself in work ai for married couples; it


moon is over."
'','" Judd was in a panr: change in his sen:oriur: .
r-,

quickly enough, or may not know how to quickly fix misattuned moments. Al1 is not lost, though, because if the wave or island's partner is what I have
termed a competent manager of the other, he or she can make up for the It is not essential for both partners to be equally comperent managers; however, if one is particularly bad at it, the other must be much
other's deficits. better.

:-.

-i

Because he avoideJ

ings ol love

cl -= for her. H. -

-.

RTrcINOLING WITH ISLANDS


Many islands experience some degree of difficulty with close.up interactions, although this may not be apparent during courtship. As their name
suggests, islands tend to prefer gazing either inwardly or distantly.

novelty with her. She b. : -.:'.

At the same rinrr. T--: engaged in occa:i.:..- -,


whom he could r.lrrtr
he had done

--.

i
'

trth I:.:.= .:

to their childhood to explain why this happens. Many isiands did not experience a lot of physical contact as children, or did not
receive the mixture of comfort and stimulation that comes from a parent gaz.

\We can look

ing into an infant's eyes. Rather, the contact they did experience may have been overly intrusive or misattuned. As a result, many adult islands experi.
ence aversion at being what they perceive as too close to a partner. This aversion can include not onJy gazing, but the near senses of smell, taste, and touch. Many islands report feeling inexplicably irritated and even harassed by

demanding oi cor.r:r. -. - and he would qui.... :.. ' Judd r,r as torsc- . -'ries and kickeJ hr:. - -- After trr o \\ gs-.r - begged lrene 1,'r :

i:- .- - ple starred "Jatin: .,. eyes. His fiedr:tr.:-: .:... .


.

their partner's attempts to get near or to maintain close physical contact.


They may feel at once intruded upon and ashamed of their aversive reacrions, and may attempt to conceal it with avoidance, excuses, withdrawal, or anger. Judd, an island, loved to gaze at Irene when they were dating in coflege. He fell in love with her deep green eyes. Her pupils always seemed wide open,
as

of her voice \\arn.i*


of love for

]r.n-.

shortly thereattc:. .^..: : : -. "Whar's \\ ftrr.- .i .. - -

i:

-:

if guilelessly inviting him to merge with her. So beautiful, so engaging, so

rr-.-'.- : -' vinceJuddtos,'r :.,.,


Fortunareh'. seriou: problenr. ;i'

safe, he thought.

.,. .-,
.

Two year into the marriage, something changed. He began to see her eyes pushy, as invasive, and meddling. Her pupils always seemed constricted, like

little pinholes. He stoppe d gazing into her eyes. He preferred looking at her from afar, while she interacted with others. when she sought physical proximity, he felt annoyed. The sound of her voice aroused anger in him, and her

REKINIDLI\L,
Unlike i'lanJ.. .. .. -:

even crave

phi.i,., :

164

S9I

IIr^\

se^ed\ 'suoltBrnp 3uo1 .ro; Alrrurxord 1ecis,{qd elrf, uale


qtI.4A

rarl pue 'tulrl ul ra8uz

::;
;

^le)illleu rleqt pue sasuas

elqeuoJuloc eq ot Pual

sa^tem 'spue1$

eIlpn

-xord lecrsdqd tq8nos :-;s raq re 3ur1oo1 pe"r.ia:a:_ :

SIAVM

HII^^ DNI]CNI)Et

e{}l (petJutsuor
sede

paue.:

req eas ot ue8aq

:; :

'u,t\o lleqt uo ellos or q8nor era.^d. lql sruelqord snolres aroru eqt sseJppB plnoc .{agr os req qtt.&\ Lderagr eldnoc ol oB ol ppnf acui,r. -uof, ot alqe se.r pue rualgord aql peauSoceJ aueJl 3ul1l slql 'Llaleunlro'{ 'rq8ru pue lep {ruaps Pal]lo,4d eq .(laur qlrm Suorm s{lqfN,,

os 'Sur8e8ue os ,1n;un::,:

'uado eplarr Peulaas S-iE,:",-i 'e8a11oc ur Surlep Oir.,,.: "-t _


'ra8ue ro '1e..ue:pql-'r,

.::;-:

'paurntal

suoIs,IaAB

stq 'reryearetp

{iroqs

're.te.trog 'esnoq aql otul lceq ,(e,tr slq UIA{ ol PJBq l,usr punos

lI

'euar1 ro; alol Jo

'suollcEer

eAIsJaAE

llt---_:

'lrBluoJ

leotsdgd

eclo^ leq Jo asues pe.tteuel slrl qtllN 'Suruur8aq oql uI peq 11 sE rulq PeuIrB^\ sosues leu sr11 'se.(a PuE 'atset 'qletus raq ur parg8riap ure8e

aql'qlnot

Lg pessereq ue,\o F,u:

rs.-t -r: rr-.:

ueer8 daap rer{ otul EurzeB pe[ofue uIBFE ecuo e11 'ure8e,,8ut]ep,, perrers a1d -nof, eqt 'Ll.lrroyg 'ellf,uoreJ o1 peer8e euarl 'arueqc Puocos e ro; euoll pe88eq pue saletsrur
sn1

ol dn peu^\o ppnf'uorleredes 1n;ured;o


uer{.^d,

s{ee,tr o.{\]

re}V

eneq Ler-u

pue 'e1se1 ,1]erus,1o s:._:, -JaA srqJ .raut:ed ? ,tt :.: -uedxa spuEISr tlnFr ...r: _ acuar:alr; : :
_- .
.

-zeB:ua:ed Luor-r i;-._


Aue;zr1

-llepuu1 srrl pera^ocslp euarl

'3snoq eql lno rulq pe]ll>I PUE sell uelqord srq rrrupe ol Pef,ro; se.tr ppnf

.:,
_

'uonef,Iumuurol IIB lJo rnc dllcrnb PIno.& aq Pu reeddear plno.4A suorlceeJ oAIsraA srq 'luatue,tlolul Penulluoc;o Sutpueurap
oot aurecoq ueuro,l.r. B Jalauaq,^A tng 'Sutuur8eg eql ur eueJl rlll^\ auoP Peq aq se 'acueruol pue xes 1o drrtrqrssod pu tueurotlrxe aqt e^IIoJ PInof, oq utotl.4d.

tou plp ro 'ualFlirj: j, 'suaddeq sirr-

'f,1tuersr :-- .-: ouru Jraql sy .jr-_-,:_ -Jerolul dn-aso1: ul:.i ._ - :

qtr^\ uaurord. rill^\ sPuels lgSru-euo PuB seJuelileP IuoISBf,co ur pa8eSue aH 'e3utsrp E le sJarlto ro; Suttsnl JIOsuIq puno; ppnf 'au]u etues eql lV 'ulq or arn8r; 'lerprueJ tou JI 'reryue; {ra,to ue auleraq arls 'rer{ llnr d113neg ro sseu-ra8uens reqtla ;o s8urlee; rapue8ua t,upJnoo eH 'req roJ e^ol;o s8ul iaal alpurler ot de,,n ou pBr{ eq 'auar1 qt}^\ lotstuor asolr PaPIo^B eq esneleg
'os rq8noqr l,lutelrac eH le^ol Jo tno ualleJ aq PBH lurnlrosuas sttl ui e8ueqo E rlrns pesner e^Br[ plnoJ Jlesrulq pe1sB eq ']r{lN 'crued e ut se.ra ppnf
(('JOAO SI UOOUI

)l-

qf,mu ag lsnut laqtLi

tu-

tuataduroc dllenba ai -: ::; erlt JoJ dn aqeu uEt t--: lautjr* : I -:


-,.

e^eq J lell^\ sr 'sluauroru dn r-uaqt

Laql

'aso1c dn alqno::

PJunIESl.: : 1ld :ou .riJ:*., _ _ :,.. -

plo^E ot ue8aq pue sassl{ rler{} Surdolue paddors aH 'eltslrq Jo llarus aqt ot e^ursues dlppo eurecaq eH

-Lauoq ag1,, 'pres legl ueq,Lr. ]uBetu eldoed teq.{\ se.t\ lt lseldnoc Palrreru roJ eseqd e .lduls s^\ slqt Jlosraq perulluof, pue {ro,t\ uI Jlosleq pelrnq lernleu eqg 'Suruaddeq se.{\ ecrtou ot peut 'puelsr ue teq^\ tou 'auar1 ;lasraq 'sdq eqr uo e lng 8utqt,(ue lced;euq 'ulls rotl PUE tl]Earq rer.[

tulq epetu sarultaruos qcnol

SIIAVM CINJ\

rsol)

dn st 1Ao1

WIRED FOR LOVE


not experience aversive reactions to a partner, unless they have a history of physical or sexual trauma, in which case they may be simultaneously adverse
to the closeness they crave.
Because waves crave close contact, they can appear overly intrusive, even

Other
negative married.

c;.i:.=,
.

fee

But Co:..-=.. , and withdra,,'.


ishments oi

threatening, to their partner, especially if the partner is an island who is sensi' tive to approach. tVaves may not be aware of the effect they have on their

-. :
:

from hin-r, S.rr.-.:r.

partner, and therefore not make an effort to correct their errors.

i:.:

Unlike islands, waves tend to have experienced lots of physical contact as children and often report memories of a parent gazing into their eyes. In
courtship, come-hither qualities of closeness craving can be extremely attractive and seductive. However, once a committed relationship has been
a wave's

she took rc !: about herse-f


least
',,.

i.
..-

interesi;:

..

ing older ma-.


she had rei-.
Jose.

established, the wave can begin to perceive threats of rejection, withdrawal, or punishment-whether real or imagined. The wave's overly sensitized antic'

: ;::

ipation of rejection may result in rejecting his or her partner, and the inability to rekindle love.
Consueia, a wave, saw her romance with Jose as a dream come true. He (also a wave) was dashing, engaging, and fun ioving. Their sex was, in her words, "amazingl" She was head-over.heels in love.

It diJi: .., . hadhapper.r -':'


ously ador:r=

.
,
=

couple the:.: their destru::.

After the couple married, Consuela began to notice Jose making what she considered to be small shifts away from their close physical contact. For example, one evening at their favorite restaurant, they were talking about
going to visit her parents the following weekend, when Jose suddenly broke all eye contact. Consuela noticed immediately, but didn't say anything because she was afraid he might use it as an excuse not to visit her family. She knew he didnt enjoy being with them as often as she did. Later that night as they were getting into bed, however, she couldn't keep her concerns to herseif. 'Why did you puil away at dinner?" she demanded. jose looked startled. "'$7hat are you talking about?" "'When we were discussing the visit to my parents. You wouldn't look me

NrNru Cr- :
The

r,,

ninth::.,--

tirne throtLa'. :". . primitii'es :.-r , :'


you were can
brain's

:::,: -' be pr.: -. -

pre:r::
.

way, I sue:..:

]n the :'.=.
1.

in the

eye."

"Huh? I was looking at you. I alway look at you." When Consuela insisted he wasn't meeting her eyes, Jose got defensive. "!7e11, I was taking the bones out of my fish," he said. "You want me to choke to death?" Consuela turned out the light, got into bed, and turned her back to Jose. "\il/hat happenedJ" she silently despaired. "What did I do to cause this change?"

Dc:., :.
SOl1--; . .:
!--ts!'
-

CUS|--.:-.'

rr'it:-

166

L9T

Jo euo JI

tI otul

esBe

ot se^lesrno^

^toll

(alull aulBs eql

lv

's]ql qll^\

,,2a8uer1c

'eso[ or

sIIt esnec ot op I I]Bq raq paurnt pu


(.lqleP
se.rrr,

strlurl JnoI qsnd ol no^ e8JnoJua I 'lcEluos e^3 e^lsuelxa o1 PeulolsnJ -cBun eJE oslB se^B.t\ Pu sJorlcuE euros lnq 'spuelsr Jo enrl Llletcedsa

sl

slql

'sal,a

laql

otur .!ear; Surqool-auo Pe^ol E uala-euoeluos

seuoq eqt 8ur1er

'11a,

ot seuroJ ll

ueq^{\ InJqsEq Lllernteu are eldoad eruog ^ft1s eq

r.uoq 'I

Pelslsur lensuoc ueqlN,,'r aul

:noL aprn8

ol seldtcuud Sunroddns auros aJB areq 'erurluuaur aql uI

lool tpPlno \ no^ 'stua


,,llnoq

',4.rt rIJ e tr uem8 a.Leq no,{ I1tun luaur8Pn[ a,Lraser nol ]sa88ns I 'Len srqt ur alr^teJ ot peldrueue Lpearle t.ue^Eq no[;1 're,'rr o] uorlrsodsrperd s,ute-rq

'PePuureP aqs ((lJeuurP

daal rpplnoc eqs


r,uPrP eq

'ra.ra.r,r.oq

sB^\ eqs esneJaq Surqr,tue

^\eul

eqs

.,r,Ilue-1

rno.( Surtrncrrr4JoLls ot lunoulBtuel st Eutop are nod lEtllN 'Punolord aq uer stlnsat er{l la^ 'alduls ,le.trfdacep punos deur sIqI 'Parotueue lsr$ eratr notr ueq^d sB s.(em arues eql ut e8e8ua l,lleuorluelur ol sroPesseqrue pue sa.nrlnuud s,rauued rno,( pue rnol uo 8uq1ec dq srqr oP notr 'PDiuoJ a{a q8nottp autl {ooq sql ur aldrcuud qlup eI{I

kn tp aaol na\t

alpw\a.L upc

slauin4lBql

sI

1e a>1orq dluappns esof uaq

:rTdIfNItd DNICIInD HrNIN


'e^ol rlel{l elPulle.r
PUE

inoqe 3uo11el ere^\

Laq|I

JoC 'tcBtuoJ lecrsdqd esolc

leqm Suqetu esof ecr]ou


suoIlEuIIJuI
eAB.4a

e^IlcnJlsap 'Lde;aqr

lleql
Jer{

ur

'sBA\

*a. ,r"q1 '3.rr

eldnoc puEtsrepun ot elqE are.,r,r [aql 'lsrderaq] e 1o dleq eqr qrllN Jetua ot peer8e eqs 'eso[ g]1.t\ eilcuof,al ot ]druelle req u1 'sal,a Suuope dlsno
-r,r.ard

eH 'enJl euroJ urBarP E sE

s,puerurv uI ulpslp

^^dES

se

lsnf 'a]Erorratap ol dtrlsuoneleJ slqt ro; 'rela.troq '3uo1 a1et r,uPIP ]I


'asoI

^\ou

BlensuoC 'e8etlreru rag ut paueddeq peq

dlqrqeul eq] pue ':auued:a -f,Ilue pezrlrsuas l,pa.ro s,a,r te.merpqrltr 'uorlcefar 3o sl uaeg sEq drqsuoneler peur
Llaruerlxe eq uer Sur.rerc ss u1 'sa.{e Jraql olur ButzeE
s

qtr^\ PEq ecuo eqs e^ol Punoj^deu Jo lueulellJxe eql PeJe^of,sIPOJ PeI{ eqs uI elour ol Joq paPensrad oq,m 'ueru .tep1o 8ur
Surrrerteq os plp eqs 'rulq qtL\\ tB Jo ueDrus pareedde

-qsep E 'puerury qtl^\ JIJJB uB ol pal strp '.\1en]ue^E 'req uI Polserelul lseel oq.^d. ueur.{q pe8pel,vrouIf,E sE.{" eqs uarl^rJleslaq lnoq

poo8 r1e; aqs 'srer{ Sutlaes saLe ro; }uauruoJllua aq} Suluuecs

ol {ool

aqs

tf,Eluos pcrsr(qd;o srol p


.sJoJ.re

Jraql u

ll

'puetsul 'l,e,lo,e pa>1oo1 aqs 'sa.(e leq otul {ool ot PeIJt eq ueql6'lel{Jo slueulqsl -und pasoddns srq roJ turq qsrund ol UoJJO ue uI (^lu8ue saurlJaulos 'ulg ruor;
PUE

Jraql uo eneq ,{aqr t3aJJe


-rsues sr oq.4a puBlsr
sr Jer

eqg 'Lre;luoc er{t ol petsalotd eq qBnoqr uane 'lealerpqll^A ^d,erpqlr^{ uortrefar sade srq ur aas ot ue8eq eqg 'urq e^allaq t.uplp lensuoo lng

uale 'eArsnllur

l,Fe.Lo

readd

'PerJJEur

asle^Pe zi,lsnoauellnu,rrs aq
7o

derp ero;aq urlt eroul JaI{ pe^ol arl patslsut eH 'Jeq PIE^Aot sBuIIeeJ a,uleBau due paruep {luauraqa,n esof 'etur] qlEA 'pe^\olloJ suonetuoryuoc Jeqlo

drorsq e e^Eg derll ssal

1SO1:)

an 5l 1AO1

WIRED FOR LOVE


both of you feels shy.

If the discomfort

persists, investigate what is

keeping you from feeling safe and secure with each other.
2. Vary your approach.

stress eye contact because of its great potential senses are powerful, as well. You

to rekindle love. But the other near it with the


senses of smell and taste.

may want to turn the I See You exercise into I Touch You, or even

try

3. Don't wait. If you wait to

try rekindling love through eye contact until a fight has erupted with your partner, it may be too late, at least for

Live a F{. Lifer F{on.


Car

that instance. You want to practice ahead of time, when tensions are low. The point is to find ways to rewire so your ambassadors are pre' disposed to come online before your primitives. Then, when tensions
do rise, that more loving response will be second nature to you

.': ': long, but the anr, .:: Now suppt'.c '.' :: - .' body. Imagine i l-. ,:
.

I*ftt;.r

how much enc::'. Addiiionally, rakc ::


from that leakr-

ci:-. :. .

inflammator\', ani :---,.- :


load, we can devel

. .: .

disease, diabete.. .,::..:.-

relationship. stron..
increasing it. \'es. ir

:::.

largeiy up to vou. S :-,:

168

[ueu osle ]nq 'elduexe JoJ sPuBIsI-slEnPI^IPul eulos 'noL ol dn dle8rel sr noL rol slro^\ lI Le.lrr qorq,'tr pue 's[em q]oq IJo,^A uBf, lI 'sa 'lI Sulseerf,ul ro Surrnper retpre Lq ,peol Jnelsoll rno ecuenuul l,18uous 'drqsuorlelar pelruruor .{reuttrd rno {letradsa pu 'sJerllo ql}^A sdlqsuollelal JnO
'er8pftuorqr; pue'stluqlre'selaqerp'esBesIP
'peo1 rno; esar{t }o 1p ro ,{ue ur ssaulll dola.tep uec rreeq Surpnlcur f,rtelsollB d.r.eag e etBlnurnf,lE e,u;t 'eu1l ra^O 'clloqBlaul PUE 'Lroleuruegur 'euntuturoJn 'JelnJsBAoIPJec :stualsls lecr8olorstiqd roleru rno; se^lo^u] PBol
arvr

,suretsds

rlttsollv
sB

'a;11

rnoq8norr{l

sn Jo

pelnber suorleldepe arll

JoJ

fed a^{

elrd eql
ue'4AEf,J

u^dou1 esl^droqto 'pvo1 ttlolsollp IIEf, slslluelJs rel{lo PUB (0002)

ornrg tq^d sr sarntrpuadxe ssorls lelol Jno^ Joj aAIaceJ nod ,,lllq, ogl 'pelelJler eq l,uEl 'adrd [>1ee1 ]Bql ruo$ 'elqB relB,4A aqt a{ll Pue 'ssells ol onP eurll ra.l,o deme pedaas sBrl lI 'sI ]qI -,^d.eueruou sr d8reua slqt Jo eruos leql loJ agl lunooce otul eIBl '^llEuoIrlPPV .sasserts snorre^ s(ojrl ot Surrdepe papuadxa a.teg nod l8reue r{Jnul ^&orl '[poq ees ot lcueJu] esurs pa>lleqc uaeq t.usBq ruatsls sser]s rnol, leql eur8erul rnoL ur a8esn ,{8reua arnsaur l,Felruls ol alqtssod ere^a lJ asoddns 'uo|\tr 'snourJoue sI aulll Je.{o Palsd\ nol" relelr Jo lunouru erp rnq '3uo1 os roJ onurluor IBol eqt lal nol, reql lsnl ]ou s(ll ipeuunls ar,no'{ pue 1 rnol pa>paqr '11 le >1oo1 notr a,r.o51 'sruaA.brtgl 'des 'ut lllq rel,l.r {gluoru I aut8eu I
t(ue^Brl nol, pue '{Bel
E

srl esnoq rno[ ur Surqtunld eq] IBI{I

^dols

--

suolsuel ueq,r

nod ol olnter-l i - - :.; 'uaqi ii._:-".

elE suorsuel uJr1.\\

-erd ere sropESSEqLuE ::.-,''rJ._ - :


JoJ lsEel lB '{elel ocr :r. -'.:-: lltun lletuol a.ie ql: ::- .

no^ IBaH uE3 :oJI-I dlqsrouued rno ^aoH rarqtlBaH 'rerddeH B e^Il
0I uflrdvH)

[t] ue,ra ro 'no1 qtn-.i L_ l no1 'lle.u se '1n;:a.uc: :::


leuualod lea.r8 slt

It

as :.:

t.:':

'JOrllo r{38: l-:. I

sI ler{.r\ ele8rlsa-rurs-s:;:i:

WIRED FOR LOVE


waves-choose to forego relationships, at least primary ones, in favor of soli tude because they find committed relationships too stressful. They may avoid stress, but they avoid closeness, as well. Others readily pursue relationships, only to find themselves feeling abused, neglected, or otherwise dispirited by the realities of their marriage or union. The stress they encounter in their relationship puts them at risk for illness. Still others find themselves in relationships that help them thrive, energize, and destress.

-ognize how ther'\\-er- ::.:::.: outright threat., thc', :-: ..: ellects their behar r. :
',r
-:
.

-!: :. tionship and rherr i;:.-- Lorraine it u a.n't. T: = :: i


more difficult bc-.,

This chapter focuses on the health hazards as well as the health benefits that come with a primary relationship. As you read it, consider what you
might do to ensure that your relationship mitigates stress and always contributes to your greater health and happiness.

t.r.. -: they did, somethrni r r- : Ralph and Lorr immediare[y, a: JiJ tions.

r. - --: 'The chilJr.n ,l: , ::-]-

and in their social lr-o. one another, bur

ih., :.

- -.

THT HAZARDS OF HTOOEN

STRESS

Br Axxoyr\c
.

If you ask a couple to identify the main sources of stress in their lives, chances are they won't point to their relationship. In many cases, that answer is exactly should be. However, for some couples, this represents a blind spot. Aithough they may be alert to stress in other areas of their lives, such as stress
as
caused by a boss at work or financial problems, they are comes to stress in their relationship.

it

in denial when it

I often tell cou;.:: :-. rhings that are ann' \::.- their partner. You can b; :.:.:. it later. But threats .-ni.::, matter what .ot, con.::;: -. ening by your pannc:. :-.:.
behaviors that

Ralph and Lorraine have been together for more than thirty years. Midway in their marriage, both made expiicit and implicit suggestions that the very existence of the relationship was in continuous question. For example, when they fought, Ralph would say, "lf you don't quit yelling, you won't have anyone to yell at anymorel" Later, he'd say, "I don't know, maybe I'm just
not cut out for this marriage thing."

trpic.:11 r:

? V V V ? v ? ?

Raging Hir ting or t'ri

r: -

-:

\7hen

she was angry, Lorraine would say,

"If you pull that pathetic crap

Threats agair.:::..Threats asair.-: .:..

one more time, I swear, I'm out of herel"

During this time, two of their three children began to manifest symptoms
of depression and anxiety. Lorraine started to become physicaliy symptomatic,

Threatt asain.: . "'


Holding on r, : :
Relusing ro rqr ,-l

with a range of inexplicable illnesses. Her immune system was compromised,


and she too became depressed. Ralph, who had a family history of heart disease,

started to frequent the emergency room with complaints of heart palpitations.

Fortunately, Raiph and Lorraine were able in therapy to get to the bot, tom of what was making them sick. Life was hard enough, but it was even

Withdrau ins

r r r:'

170

ILI
uale
o.{\t ro rnorl uE uEqt ra8uol sPoued roJ EUL^d'BJPqrIlN &
Suor.Lr e oB

sE^\ t1

lnq 'g8noue p

rqBu e1eru ro
PUB 3uo1

ledal ol Sursn;ag A
ool ro; uo 3utp1op1 &

4oq eqt ol le8 or ddereqr 'suonelldpd tJeer{ Jo stuwl(


'eseesrp tJeer{Jo Lrolsrri dpr

8ul]tel tou
o1

'pasrruordruoc

se.,rr

tuelsl,s

raulred rno.{

tuelroduJl sral{to lsuIEBE

stearql

'clteurotdruls l,lporsdqd euu


sruotdurds tseJJuelu ot ueEe

uosrad eqt tsure8e slBerqJ & derc cnaqled reqr dlqsuouelar egl lsure8e

slerlll *

11nd

no.i

eruelor^Jo surroj reqto ro 3utit111 A

tsnl ru,1 aqderu '^\oul ],uop

Sur8eg A
:Suruatearqt paleplsuoJ are dllectd& leql srol^eqoq

l,uo,l noA 'SurqeL llnb t,uo1 -urexe roJ 'uorlsenb snonur

leql

suoUsoSSns

ltctldu:t

p
r

'sreel,

Llrrgl ueqt aloru

tI

sse.rls sE

euros afe araq 'pres tBr{J 'ruelqord e a,teq noL uaql 'rauued rno.{ dq Surua .teenll se pe.l,racrad sI loI^EL[eq Jno^J] l8uluelerql rePlsuoc fto( leqa relletu d11eer r,useop tI 'reloeJolAl '[]uncas Lre.t rno.{ lncJePun slearql lng 'relel 1l uer no1 'reu]red rleql rnoqe q8nel pue 'ere; rnod uo olltus
,{es
B

qlur,r

8utlouue

eq

ueq,/Y\ Ieruep ur ere ,{aqr qcns 'selr1 Jreql Io


s

'rods pullq e stuasarder

;o sel,e eqt ur SuruatEaJql eq Je^eu uBf, Lerp rng 'Surrtouue ere legl s8urql ro op uec deql alqqnq aldnoc rleqt ulqll^d leql saldnoc IIel ueuo I

{}cexe

sr Jedasue

leql 'sesel

sef,uer{f,'selrl Jrer{l ur ssaJt

DNTN1JVIXHI UlAlN
:r".1lo

rns DNIIONNV

1fl

ssrurs

qt""

ro drqsuoueler aqt pauata;qr ra8uol ou Leqr lnq 'retlloue auo

tnoqe paurldruoc pue pen8;e llls qdleg PUE eulerro'1 'aJII lellos raql uI Pue 'looqcs tE 'atuoq re persnfpe rauaq pue rardderl pereedde ualPllql eqJ 'suoll

-qlJluoJ sri.e.,t1e Pu ssarts


nod ler1,,rr Jeprsuof,
sllJaueq qllerl 3r{l sB
110..'\

-etldled treeq Surcuauedxe peddors qdleg 'uorssardap raq PIP sE '^lelelperuurr tsorul pa,r.ordrur qtpeq s(ouIJJo'I 'peuaddeq snolnJerlur Surqletuos 'PlP .{eql

'lr pea:
'sserl

ueq.{ pue 'sror^tegeq Sulueteerqt ttaqt dols ol peer8e eulerJo'I

pu-e

qdleg

,lel ur se^lesueqt PurJ sl3


Jreql ur Jelunocue Laqr
ss
'

'lsn8srp pue ldrueluor qtl. d reqtouu auo pateail Laql 'sleerql lq8utno ot uortrPP uI 'Peol lllelsolle s(Jerllo gcea SursearJul ere,$ Leql .,toq ezru8o -cer t.uplp ,(eq1 dpule; eq] ur euodrelo uo Sul,Leg se.t\ rol^Eqeq Jieql slf,eJJe eqt azIIeeJ r,uplp pu sllgeq rIaL[] uI PalJf,ueJlue eral\ [aq1 'r,use.tt ]I euleJlo-l

[q perurdsrp
pIo^B

asr.4c,Jeq]o

lo

'sdnlsuoueler ansrnd l,ppea


Lar11 '1n;ssar:s o
^Bru -Ilos 3o JOAEJ ur 'seuo dreun

pue qdleg o1 1nq 'snor,Lqo ulaes rg8rru srql JIos Jo asues rleql pue drqsuorl -elar eql ol qloq-leerlll lulsuoc roPun Pa^II tlJBa esnBceq llnll#IP erour

EJI'I

UlIHIIVlH

.}IEIddYH V

lAI]

WIRED FOR LOVE


Being consistently unapologetic Behaving habitually in an unfair or unjust manner

3. Do you or , ,-,' ,"ith

realen i ng.

Putting sel0serving interests ahead of the relationship too much


of the time

4.

Do you and

"

-rr' :,:'
l,:

Expressing contempt (devaluation; e.g., "you're a moron") Expressing disgust (loathing or repulsion; e.g., "you make me sick")

lrealize lhese risk losing not onl\

rl.
,, -

L"

'i

Lynn Katz and John Gottman (1993) studied the deleterious effects of
partners' expressions of contempt and found that not only does this behavior put the relationship at risk, but it has a disruptive influence on their children's

HTRTTNG WITH
It's not enough ro n-.:r.':--::
Serve aS your

behavior. Gottman (2004) ranks contempt, which he defines as including disgust, disrespect, condescension, and sarcasm, as the number one predictor
of divorce.

Sfror-ri:.

. ----

If any of the behaviors listed apply to your relationship, then you or your partner are a threat to live with, and ultimately destructive to your collective
wish to remain safe and secure. Remember, partners are wired together: where

one goes, so goes the other. If you are threatening or if your partner feeis threatened, or vice versa, it can't be good for you, either. You owe it to your relationship to immediately eliminate all threatening behavior. If this means seeking the help of a therapist, as in the case of Ralph and Lorraine, I can't

thi: r:;-. Susi and Tam::, -: -.: contacr or nurturrr.. 1.. -' kissed as a child. .\: :r. ,- couple handled

thought well of or.

:r

-:

argulnent, but neir:..: =' .- -' j. . Iel lives and rareh r'-. weren't affectiona:. : l.-=.

think of a better investment you could make in your relationship.

Both Susi anJ that their physical

T,:-. , -

ther seemed good at ca.:--".:

EXTNCTSE: STTING THE BLIND

disr':.;. .

SPOTS

tag. Tamara had fibr. :'.. j -: she aged. Susi had

Do you think you might have a blind spot when it comes to the level 0f stress

at h0mep lf you answer yes l0 the fOll0wing, stress may be hurting your
relationship.

drome, diabetes,

nuni:- * obesin'. ,:.:

\Vhen this couple e,.'.--:

tact contributed to the'': i-. 1. Do you or others in your family have frequent and unexplained physical ailments, such as digestive problems, insomnia, chronic pain, chronic
fatigue, or allergiesP Any autoimmune or inflammatory problemsP

they were unheld babLcs.

contact. Although ther- :-e'"'. they took steps to develcr ,


sleep in the same room

2. Are you or others in your family suffering from depression or anxiety, or


emotional overloadP

anl :l

these changes resulred Tamara.

ir

:.

172

:-:
.EJBUIeJ

:;: rsns qtoq iuou stulElduroc lerrsft{d PasnPeJ uI PelFser saSuEqc esel{l ",-:lrlnb.rlSulsudrng'rq8p le elppnr ot erult eperu PUE uloor eUIBS eqr ur deels
-: .lrls Laql 'erurr tsrlJ erp
roJ elqqnq aldnoc e dola.tap

;o

,4lerxuu .ro uorsse;dap Llo.

ot sdels loor laqr

isu0lq0Jd,4.roluLutuplu cluoJr.lc 'urud cruolqc 'uturuo


lpcrs^Lld poulBldxoun puE lua

.r-Jno: raqlo duuru sE ateuortceJJe sE eweJeg -ra,reu Leqt q8noqily 'lJluoc -=:rs rqd esolf, ol suoltf,ee.I uoISJeAB Suotts ,{eql PEri qree 'selqeq Plequn ere,r,r :!]1?leg ',!1see euroc rou plp eEuegc 'seo^\ tltlBeq rleqt ot Palnqlrluoc trEl
-- j -r

_Io

{c1 rraqt reqr ddereqr ur perelocsrp dllentuane aldnoc slr1l ueqlN

Jno^ FurUnLl Oq ssaJls ss0Jls I0 l0^0l aul ^uui 0t sorx0l l

::ud

'uIEd 'l'lrseqo 'eruorp ]ulo[ 'seleqelp Pue 'pa8e egs -;-is la,troq algelrJJr Eurpnlcur 'swalqord qrleel{ snoJeulnu Peq lsns :E qcrqan 'aurorpuds Ieg-urersdE pue er8p,{urorqg peq ereruel '8er Feuasron e qtrdd aurec Sunro;uoc pcrs,ftldyo {cBI PUB ecuBlslP p:tsdgd rlaql ltll

srods cNrlg
'dlqsuortela: :no., l(uc

ruoqt ot parJnctro Ja^eu

ll

'Jeqto eqt Sunlloos ro Sutrulec le poo8 peulaes rel{l

-reu tng 'dlerxue snonurtuoc tsourle Jo paureldruoc rBurBJ pue tsns

qlog

pu suroor tueroJJlp ur ldels

Lagl

'd33nq ro atBuortJaJJB t.uala.,'t 'rceluoc lecrs[gd apeu Llarer PUE se^II lel

I 'aureuol

pue qCley

-1ered pa,l,rt ,{aqr 'dlieuuassA 'rerito eqt Peuelearrll re^e reglreu

lnq 'luerun8re

suBeru srrJt JI 'ror^Eqaq 5':::: rno{ ol lI e.do no1 'leqlra 'n,

'drqsuoltler eqt pue reqloue auo Jo lleaa rq8noqr Ieuorser3o eqr peri Leql pue spuarg poo8 ere,tr reurBl pue IsnS 'eldnoc llnPe uB sV'pllq? sB Pessl>l

slaa; reur:ed :no.(

,11

rc

:u:--:

eraq,u :raqleSot perr-!\ 3lE sla:

elrlJelloc rnoL ot a.\nlnllsa:


.rnod ro noL

ro 'palcor 'p1eq 'pa88nq Sureq sreguleutet reqtleN 'Suunlrnu Jo lJBluoc lecrslqd r{f,mu epl^oJd tou plp ter{t seIruIBJ urorJ eureJ rruBl PUE IsnS 'enssr srqt papuq eldnoc
reqlou .l.roq JeplsuoC '3ureq11e,r,r pue tltleal{ JoJ eJro} tse8uorls lnoL se e.tles plnoqs pue uc dSlsuopeler rnoL :euroq lB sseJts ezlulrulul ol q8noue lou s(ll

uaqt 'drqsuouzle
sE

rotrlperd euo regrunu aqt


Surpnycur s saur;ep eri
s(ueJPIrr{J Jrerll

riti

llT{Iflnfl ETdnOl

IHI NIHIIM

DNIIV:IH

uo eluanliut

Jor^Eqeq srqt saop iluo tou l Jo slra#e snorretelep aqt Par


(,,1cts eur aleru no.i,, ''3'a :

'Fuleq-llenn puu qluorl Jn0^ lnq drqsuotleler rno,{ ,{;uo l0u Fulsol ISU
nOA

(,,uororu E at.na..-..

'lsu l,u0p n0^ Jl tnB 'lsE 0t suorlsonb qFnol oq ,{eu esaql OzllPoJ I
i^ltuonllorJ tqFlJ Jouued Jno^ pup n0^ 00 iFuluatEortll

't

qrnru oot drqsuorrele:

IAUUIU tS:r

su po^recJod 0q pln0c lEr.ll s8urrll op ro {us J0uuBd Jn0^ J0 n0^ 00 '8

lJr-l ulrHrlvEH 'UrrddvH v lAI'l

WIRED FoR LOVE

WE ALL NTTO TO BE TOUCHED


\7e have known, scientifically speaking, since the 1950s, that every child
needs touch, holding, and rocking. Harry Harlow (1958) and others, such as James Prescott (1975), famously studied rhesus baby monkeys and found a stronger drive for physical comfort than ior food. Others, such as John Bowlby

1.

Find a time uhen

r.-r

every day.
convenient.

lt can

l-,.

2. Spend this tinre

in

i l:'
.--r'r ,

or even cradle ottr

(1969), Margaret Mahler and her colleagues (Mahler, Pine, and Bergman 2000), and David Stern (1998) found identical needs in human infants and

feels uneasl \rilh pf ',: your partner. Ch.rntt> But that doesn

children. And these needs continue into adulthood. We all need to be


touched, hugged, held, and (at times) rocked by another. Even under minor
stress, our primitives

n ea''

about your health


Notice the efJect I1i

rr.'.

will not fully settle if touch is unavailable to us. Do you remember the study I mentioned in chapter 2 about the London \7eil, a recent study by

:i

health. AlthoLrglr rrL,l -r

cabbies whose hippocampus grew larger on the job?

'War veterans suffering Brigitte Apfel and her team (2011) found that Gulf from chronic stress had a smaller hippocampus than did veterans who had recovered from stress. One interpretation of this finding is that our hippocampus actually shrinks when we are under stress for an extended time. Not

full effect, l'd be srr;


these first feu

dal:

only does the hippocampus regulate our stress response, but chronic stress appears to inhibit its ability to control the release of stress hormones. \7hile you're unlikely to ever determine the size of your hippocampus, all this goes
to say it's valuable to know something we may take for granted-such as the amount of time spent touching or hugging-can have measurable neurobiological consequences. Moreover, giving each other the touch you need may
well have the capacity to reverse damages.

TENIH

GUToTI,J

The tenth principle is rL:: -: each other's health. I tln: --b--.


effect ties together u h-r:
.,

: -

to the principles presenr-:

EXTRCTSE: Br MIoIcINE FoR EACH OrHrR


How much time d0 you and your partner spend in close physical contactP
I

bubble based in true nlrir primitives in check, an u:-r-avoid causing stress to


Here are some suff

\r'i::
t'rr::

foster physical and emori.'r.,

don't mean just making love; that's part 0f it, of course, but there's much
more: hugging, holding each other, cuddling, holding hands, kissing, giving a
massage, and s0 0n. C0ntact in these ways is nOt Only enj0yable, it serves as

1. Manage each other's

actual medicine for both of y0u-t0 help your body heal, and as a preventive means to maintain your health.
lf you haven't already, I suggest you add this to your daily rouline over the next week.

reduction have bec.-, familiar with theseenough sleep, er.rcr: missing in most apprr ners can play. I'm s-r

174

SLI

orl^A rerltoue euo uo slredxe sB 'lql 3u1rse33ns ur,1 deld uec sleu eqt si tuaua8eueru sserts ol seqceorddE lsoul ut Surssttu

-lred eior

oLll J0A0 oulln0J A;rep Lnor

^e{ s,leq.tt 'la.te,LtoH '^\aJ B ouru o1 'uotlexelal 'Sutslclexe 'dea1s q8noua ,tuaureSeueru 31g11-eselll qll^a reIIIluBJ SurlraS ,sleaur relnSar Surtee eq .{peerle leur notr '.re1ndod dlSursearcur euocaq a^BI{ uol]onPeJ
sserls roJ sanbrurlcet 'sapecep lueJer

o\rlud^OJd p sP puP 'lPdrl


SP Sd\JaS '1

'

l|alqPi0[t]d

ilrr

uI 'ssells s.Jeqlo qcee e8euel4

e FuruF 'Fu1ss11 'spuPrl 8,.

:nod aprn8 ol seldlcuud Furlroddns euros e'I eJaH l,1e,ulce noL ,Surop os

Llcnu s,OJaql lnq 'asJnol I dlDEtu0c


lEcls^Llcl asOll u

'nol.;o rltoq ro; Suraqllazu pue qlleq lBuollouro pue lecrs'{qd rarso; .Jeulred rnod pue ;lesrnoL ol ssells Sursner prole

uI

nol,-drqsuorleler rno,{, JoJ InuBuI S(Jau^^do alep'ol-dn ut '>1caqc ur se.,ulrunrd rnoL dae>1 tetlt sJoPsseqrue PaulJl'11ant '[]qenlnul enr] uI pasBq olqqnq
aldnoc e 'eldruexe ro3-srelderlc snor.Lard aql ur Pelueserd se1dlcu1-rd agr ol Suuaqpe l,q'aur ruollofl 'PessnrslP .(pearle e^Bq a.^A leqm reqlaSol seil lraJJe ur tr esnreq >looq slr{t;o Sursolc eql roJ Sulug srql PUIJ l'\qea\ s.La\1o \)Da
anrull4o puD ssails s,.La\1o 1l)Da a\lullulut uDJ sr,aulrDIlerll

ulHro Hfvl
d.etu

peeu no'( q:nor aq- -

s aldtcutrd qfuaf ag1

-orqoJneu algelnseelu

:.'l:r

eql

sE

qf,ns-PeluEr- :--l :

ilfdr)Nrud DNIAInD HIN:II

'rnJ'.u::.:: sao8 srqt 11e ellLllN 'sJuorul\rq -

":--i

SSJJIS

JIUOJt.lf

1L

-. l:'-

-:.

loN'eultl FaFu?l\r '-:. : : -oddrq lno rPtp i: : -.: -.: suflrl:.- f .: -:


pBq oq.\\
Suue;1ns cuer:.re.\

_.

's^up MOl lsJrJ asaql

:i.r.

.-

[q

urLluM uo^o slllouOq ,{ue ectlou 1,u0p n0^ J! posudJns 0q p,l 'lc0}}0 lln} 't.llluotl oLll ozrleoJ 0l IOaM ouO pu0^0q onullu0c 0l luBM ,{eu no{ uFnoqlly Oql ac!10N lEcrs^rlrl .rnO^ u0 puu ssaJls J0 l0^ol JnO^ u0 ssLl Otull sltl] lc0l}O 'eJaLl LlllBaq Jn0^ ln0qP
',{u,m stql Fut>llut oJ,aM dtqFlu
'aAtsJO^E qcnOl

't

.(pnts ]uarar E 'r .e ! - r uoPuol Jqr lnoqr - :;-:r''sn ot elqI]E,\:':-

JOUTUT

raPun u3.\1 '.r-ur,'i


_

01 poau n0^ uuatu l,usaop

letll ln8

^ls 'JauuPd JnOI uooq s^uMle a^uq n0^ lBtll tlFlLl aJe socuuqc

rq ot Peru IIE :.\\ : . Pue sluBJur uEurml ui i:i; ueu8rag pue 'aur4 ':;--:.
dq1.ltog uqof se q]ns ':rr---:

slaoJ tlltM ll lnOqp IlBl puu ,{u,nn,{ue slql 0p 'lculuOc lEcls^tld ullM ^sBaun OLIM oLr0oru0s oJB n0^ Jl '^quq e plnOM n0^ su JaLll0uu auO olpeJc ua^o J0 'z 'ssoJpc '0lppnc uuc nOA ixas 0N 'lcluOc lucls^qd osOlc ul otxll sltll puods

E puno; pue sda:1uoru

'.:.

s qJns 'srer{to puE tsiai pl1{o dre,r.a teqt 's3c51 :u-

s,lur.ll eLU!] Jotll0

J0 'deOls 01 oF n0^ oJojoq aq uuc


JALtr]oFOl

^uu s0lnutui uOll0 unululru E JOl

^J040 auolu aq uuc n0^ uaLlM Oulll P pulj'l

ll

'^up

Cl

lltl urlHrlvlH 'ullddvH

lAIl

WIRED FoR LOVE


understand something about how your brains function, you can add

the dimension of stress reduction to your owner's manual. Knowing the three or four things that make your partner feel bad gives you an
advantage when

it comes to detecting

stress and even anticipating it.

You and your partner can support one another in reducing stress
by making sure you engage in healthy activities and achieve balance

in

your lifestyle. If you notice your partner isn't getting enough sleep, for example, step in and help find a solution. You might volunteer to take

on extra household chores until he or she has caught up on needed


rest. If your partner is slacking in his or her exercise routine, this might

be the time to go to the gym together. Or if your partner had a hard day at work, maybe tonight is the right evening to rent that comedy you've talked about watching.
2. Be aware of the unique experience of stress. As you help manage your

en all is sar:
messing

and most oi u,

rhin:.

Yet despite our best inren:i


because we disregardei.

partner's stress, keep in mind that everyone experiences stress in a different way. For example, a tax audit that causes you to lose sleep could be seen by your partner as a minor blip on the radar. In this case, you
each bring a different history and set of feelings about financial matters. So be careful not to impose your own evaluation of stress on your

j:,

principles described in rhr.

This should give hcpe

wired for love, if not in rhrs


late. And there is no onc rc

partner. Remember, you are an expert on him or her. So when you help your partner reduce stress, you do so on his or her terms. And, of
course, your partner

Thankfully, relationshi
and you're out. Couples l::gertips. The universe keeps

will reciprocate in kind.

i.

As you age....Not all illness is caused by stress, but stress can aggravate any illness and make it worse. As you and your partner age, you inevitably will encounter the natural challenges all our bodies face as the years advance. Know, however, that by loving one another fully,

reinvent ourselves in reiai:person. We just need rc er.


more life-enhancing puiF,- !
pose must be based on

rru.

other; and on the u'ilhnir,,

learning how

to

defuse conflict and make choices that are pro-

irritating qualities.

relationship rather than pro-self, and wiring yourselves for love, you stand the best chance of enjoying a happy, healthy, and ultimately
satisfying union.

176

.lereupln pue '.(qrleeq 'rJ


nod 'a.Lo1 roy sa.r.1as:no.i 8u

-ord are teqt serroql

p:o:

',{11n3 teqroue auo 3ur.rt 1 se osBJ serPoq:no 11e so;ur

'

noL 'a8e reutred :no.i pur -er33e uec ssaJls tnq'ss:rt!

:,
Jo 'puv 'surel raq ro srL ;l nod uer1.n oS 'req :0 --tit-i ' rno,{ uo -lBur
sselts +o

ucntEni:-'.:

leicuBur-+

tnLrl: ;::::-;,:

'serlrlenb Sutlelurt rno qtl^\ 'arB a^\ sB reqtoue euo ldacce ol ssau8urllit eql uo pue iraqro IIB sellesrno fiur^ufi uo ll,lrlunlnur en;l uo PasBq eq lsnru esod uesoq3 Ino ot ^llnJ -rnd srql 'uosred JerltouB ot sallesrno alo^eP ol asodrnd Surcueque-a;I{ erout e 'reqtaSot eq ot uoseer paldroupd orour e uolsllue ol Peau 1sn[ er16 'uosred erues eql ua.re sdegrad 'uosred Iar{loue of drgsuoUelal uI sellesJno lualuleJ (rIEdeJ 'oPel ol selllunlJoddo.{\eu sn Surtlcrrd sdaal esre,trun eql 'sdlua8 PuB -urJ Jreql l secrnoseJ eJoui PuB 'suorldo alour aABr,[ seldno3 ']no 3J{no.( puB sejrns ealqt s(tl l{cltl.&\ ur '11eqaseq elll lou ere sdrqsuorlele; 'L11n;1ueq1 'lq8u I op .lereurlln t(ueJ oq \ >looq sql Sutpeer euo ou sI araql PUV 'elBI oot raleu sI tI 'euo txau aL[] uI uaql 'dttlsuorleler slql uI lou JI 'e^ol roJ PoJL4a qtnn er{t 'asnroq repeoJ aqr or adoq e,tt8 plnoqs sq1
aq IIps uec nod 'sr

nol, 'asec sn{t

ul 'lEi:; t-i-

'{ooq slqt uI Peqlrcsep saldrcuud


eqt euo l.uPlP ro 'passlurstp 'papreEarsip e.t\ asneceq tE tnoqe tsBal Jo ^\ou>l ll 'dn s8ulqt sseru oP a.^A uorl^a 'suotluelut lseq Jno elrdsap letr
sr {e1t1 tsour

plnoc daais esol ol rJi.'. :-as:

Jlp

uI ssa:ts se:ua::r:'.: :

.rnod e8eueur dlaq no.r

s;

,{paruoc

'urnter ur pe^o[ eq puE e^ol o] tseq lno .(:r e16 'dn s8urqi Sutssau A A sn Jo JSoIu p"e Jo uonuetur rtl.l Llrr,t\ sdrqsuorlele-r otut oB l.uoP I\ / \ "tq-L V I

'uEr rM

rseq eLI.l durop e.re sn Jo rso.u 'euop

pu'

prBS sr IIE

pJri B peg reul:ed 1n...,

teqt tual rr :=-:... l,

rq8ru srqr 'ourlno: esrl"ne:\:: papaeu uo dn lrlSnet s?u : ol Jeatunlo^ rqErru r,:-;
a>lEt

ro;

'dee1s

q8noua SurrrrF r'-

ur eJuEIEq e^erql PUE sa::L


ssa.rls SurcnpeJ

tdtrcslsod

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