Practices and Examples

Excessive Anger and Its Costs

Here are a few examples of how people describe their anger messing up their lives. You can use these as guidelines to help you write out your own experiences in the spaces below. Significant others: Ive lost three marriages because of my temper. My girlfriend just told me shes leaving unless I do something about my anger. Children: My kids wont even talk with me. I know my children are scared of me and I hate that. Family of origin: I wish I could have talked with my father before he died. But I thought I hated him too much. Now I really regret it. Work: Ive lost many jobs because of my quick temper. I say stupid things to my bosses. Law: I have a restraining order on me. I cant have contact with my wife or kids. Its not a good thing when the police officers know you by your first name. Physical or mental health: I got so mad I smashed my hand into the wall and broke my wrist. Finances: Ive replaced at least five cell phones because of my rages. My divorce and custody fight cost me over ten grand. What a waste. Values and spirituality: I promised never to yell at the kids like my dad screamed at me. But Ive broken that promise now. Thats why I need to change.

exercise. Take some time to write out your thoughts in the space below about how anger has messed up your life.
Keep in mind that youre not alone.

Practices and Examples 2

The Short-Fuse Problem

About now you may be asking yourself some very important questions: Why me? Why do I get angry faster than almost everyone else? Why do I get angry more often than others? Lets consider a few possibilities. First, you may have a genetic disposition toward anger. That doesnt mean, though, you have one anger gene that is going wacky. There is no single gene that has been identified that causes anger. Instead, you may have what used to called a nervous disposition. Your whole autonomic nervous system is set to respond quickly to anything that might be harmful, threatening, or dangerous in your environment. Second, you may have been raised in a home where getting angry frequently was normal and expected. Maybe Dad was a constant yeller, or Mom was always complaining and criticizing. Youre carrying on the family tradition even though youre not living with that family any longer, and even though your excessive anger is causing you more problems than its worth. Third, youve probably developed a hundred reasons by now for your angry behavior. You justify your actions by blaming others. Its all my partners fault. My coworkers are stupid. People are out to get me. In short, they make you mad. Its easier to blame everybody else for your anger than to accept personal responsibility for it. Immediate stress is the fourth reason you might have a short fuse. When you have a lot of stress in your life, it is definitely easier to become upset quickly and intensely over relatively small problems. Stress is increased whenever you encounter financial problems, relationship difficulties, job conflicts, physical health issues, and so on. When that happens, its all too easy to develop a hair-trigger temper.

exercise. Write a paragraph here describing what you believe are the causes of your quick temper. Consider genetics,
family patterns, blaming others, stress, and any other factors that might be important.

Practices and Examples 3

The Intensity Problem and Rating Your Anger

How many points on a scale from 0 to 10 would you give each of these situations, where 0 is Im not angry at all, 5 is Im fairly mad but still well in control, and 10 is Im so furious Im completely out of control? Situation Your partner comes home fifteen minutes late. You lock yourself out of your car. Points Why?

Your work buddy shows up drunk.

Your best friend tries to seduce your partner. Your kid says he or she hates you.

Your partner says no to your request for intimacy. Your new puppy has an accident on your best rug. Your breakfast oatmeal is lumpy.

You get fired for no good reason.

Practices and Examples 4

Thinking or Planning When Angry

Weve asked you to look at the physical and mental states that signal you are currently too angry to think, reason, and problem solve. Youve got to be honest with yourself to do this well. Its so easy to deny or minimize your anger even when your body is loudly and clearly announcing your ire. Who wants to look at their weaknesses? Hardly anybody, and thats why people are so good at finding ways to avoid taking full responsibility for their anger and aggression. Here are examples of four common defenses that you may have been using to avoid unpleasant reality:
1. 2. 3. 4.

Denial: I dont know whats she talking about. I didnt do anything. Minimization: I didnt say anything very mean. Blaming: It was all her fault. Helplessness: It wasnt my fault. I just lost control.

exercise. Write one example of how youve used each of these defenses in a real situation. Be specic.
Denial: Minimization: Blaming: Helplessness:

Practices and Examples 5

Reacting Too Quickly or Strongly

We often hear people claim that they simply have to blow off steam when they get angry. Isnt that natural, they ask? Wont you get sick if you dont let it all hang out once in a while? The trouble is that the people asking us these questions usually have a long history of saying and doing thoughtless and damaging things. What they are actually asking for is permission to keep blowing their stack. The questions are important: Is it important to let off steam once in a while? Will you get sick if you dont express your anger? We have a two-part answer to these questions:
1.

Yes, it is important to express your feelings. Were talking about all your feelings here, by the way, not just anger. There certainly is evidence that people who hold in all their emotions can develop physical problems. People who stuff their anger all the time may develop problems with headaches, stomach difficulties, and so on. They may also feel helpless and powerless in the world, feelings that contribute to emotional problems like anxiety and depression. On the other hand, sharing your feelings should not be treated as a code phrase for being rude, disrespectful, mean, hostile, or threatening. It is very important that you take responsibility for how you express your anger. Its simply not acceptable to attack the people you love (or anybody else for that matter) on the grounds that it makes you feel better to do so. Furthermore, swearing a blue streak and throwing things around (like Tony did) isnt healthy. Instead, Tonys training himself to be angrier, meaner, less responsible, and a greater danger to himself and others.

2.

There is a middle ground. Yes, let yourself express anger some of the time. But pick your battles carefully. Dont use the right to state your feelings as an excuse to hurt others.

Practices and Examples 6

Getting Too Angry to Listen

In the second section we described anger as a river flowing in your brain, sometimes under control and sometimes flooding. Here is a four-part drawing exercise that will help you and others visualize your anger:
1.

Draw the river of your life as it might look when you feel calm. Example: My river is flowing slowly around a meandering curve. I feel at peace being this river. Life feels tranquil. Im confident. Most of all, Im taking time to see and feel everything around me. Now draw another picture illustrating what you feel like when you first start becoming angry. Example: Ive added some little ripples in the river, a couple boulders, too, but small ones. Instead of a wide curve, the river is straighter. The water is moving faster, I guess. I feel a little anxious just talking about becoming this river. And now draw a third picture, this time representing your anger at full flood stage. Example: This time my river is running dark and strong. The boulders are huge. Ive drawn in a really intimidatinglooking set of rapids. Nobody could run them. The river is plunging downward. Theres no stopping me now. Im totally out of control. And Im starting to flood, too. Im going over the banks. People better get out of my path, or theyre going to drown. Now place these three pictures side by side. Think of times youve felt like each of them. Example: Once in a while Im that first rivernot often, though. Most of the time Im the second one. Ive always got a few boulders in my stream and I usually move along pretty fast. But it doesnt take much to get me to that third river. Yesterday my partner was watching TV when I wanted to talk, and I went ballistic. I became that wild river. I became the rapids and the boulders. I flooded. It wasnt a pretty scene.

2.

3.

4.

Perhaps you dont think of your anger as a river. Here are a few more analogies that might help you get a better feel for your anger when you go out of control. Do any of these images seem to be like your extreme anger? A radio turned up way too loud with the control knob broken A rabid dog foaming at the mouth A kid holding his breath until his face turns blue Driving through an area where a skunk was just hit by a car and the odor is overwhelming A fire so hot nobody would dare go near it A 9.2 earthquake that knocks you off your feet

Practices and Examples 7

Becoming Resentful

Anger begins as an emotion. Emotions are bodily responses to external stimuli, like a driver honking his horn at you, or to internal stimuli like hunger. They arent conscious. This initial reaction takes place in your body within less than a second. Long before you are consciously aware of whats going on, your body has begun its fight-orflight response to apparent danger. The purpose of this quick response is survival. We use the term feeling for when you become aware of these physical sensations. Feelings are conscious states. You can name the sensations (My stomach hurts), as well as your evaluation of that state (Im feeling scared.). These feelings are really action states. They move you in certain directions. Moods are different. A mood is a long-lasting feeling. When anger becomes a mood, we call it resentment. Most resentments are toward particular individuals or groups. Perhaps you resent an ex-spouse for cheating on you and you simply cannot find forgiveness in your heart. Or maybe you resent the owner of the business you worked for so loyally, only to be laid off just short of becoming fully vested. Resentments can become so compelling that they eat away at a persons soul. However, believe it or not, there is an emotional mood worse than this. We call this becoming mean-spirited. Thats when you become so resentful that you see the whole world as your enemy. Its even more difficult to let go of a mean spirit than of a single resentment. But it is possible. It takes a clear decision to quit hating the world and your life in that world. This is a spiritual undertaking that requires a person to look deeply into the core of his or her being. Nobody needs to stay mean-spirited. It does not need to be a permanent condition. But if you have become mean-spirited, only you can decide to reembrace the world. First youll need to look deep into your heart to retrieve your love of the world and your ability to feel joy. Then youll need to put those sentiments into positive action by making new contacts and renewing old ones with an optimistic attitude.

exercise. Are you recovering from a mean-spirited time? Can you name at least three positive things youre doing to
get better?

1. 2. 3.

Practices and Examples 8

Knowing Your Payoffs

Weve saved one major payoff for this separate discussion because its a little more profound than the others. At the deepest level, you may be staying angry because you have developed an angry identity. The payoff is that your anger feels like an important part of your personality: I am an angry person. Thats just who I am. In other words, you arent Joe or Maria who happens to feel angry at this moment. You are Angry Joe or Angry Maria. I am who I am. I can be no other. And anger is part of who I am. Emotions arent supposed to become an aspect of a persons personality. Emotions should act like good messengers who bring you important information and then quickly go away. But sometimes an emotion becomes a permanent resident in someones brain. The visitor moves in. If this visitor is named sadness, then you feel depressed and blue much of the time. If the visitor is fear, then you go around getting scared about anything and everything. And if the visitors name is anger, then you go around grumpy, irritable, critical, and ready to argue at a moments notice. Is this you? Has your identity become Angry Joe or Angry Maria? If so, how did anger find its way into your core personality? Did terrible things happen to you when you were young? Has your life been filled with abandonments, betrayals, or disappointments? What do you think your life would be like if you could send this no-longer-welcome visitor packing, if you could get rid of Angry Joe or Angry Maria and just be Joe or Maria? What would it be like if you could feel anger once in a while, like most people, instead of much of the time? You would finally be free to be yourself. And whom do you think that would be?

exercise. Try talking to your anger as if it were a guest who has overstayed his or her welcome. Be polite, though. That
anger probably served you well in the past. But you no longer need it as part of your identity. Bid your anger farewell from your identity, but not completely from your life. After all, anger still has value as a messenger.

Practices and Examples 9

Doing No Harm

Why is it so important to make this pledge to do no harm? Because changing lifelong habits takes determination, time, effort, and energy. Recently theres been a lot of research in the area of brain plasticity, the ability of our brains to develop new pathways consisting of tens of thousands of neurons all linked together for a common purpose. Our brains are wonderful at completing this complex task. When the task is finished, the result is that weve developed new habits of behavior. For example, by practicing giving someone praise instead of criticism, you can eventually get so good at it you dont have to think about it nearly as much. Giving praise comes automatically. And, believe it or not, spewing out criticism becomes less and less automatic (partly because your brain grabs some of those neurons devoted to criticism to build the praise pathway). The hitch is that it takes at least six months for the brain to succeed in rerouting old neurons onto this new path. That means you need to practice your new behavior every day, preferably several times a day. Lets return to the pledge you may have made. If you did agree to it, please ask yourself this question: Did I have an emotional reaction to making this promise? We hope you did because carrying out this pledge will change your life. If, though, you signed without feeling much, then we suggest you erase your name until you can actually feel what it means to commit to this process. Its not enough, then, simply to say youre making a promise to change. Making your personal commitment to anger management is a big, big deal. Are you ready to change? Are you eager? How badly do you need to change? Will you do the work to change? Will you stick with the work for at least six months?

Practices and Examples 10

10
Date

Your Anger Management Goals

Many people who want to become less angry keep anger diaries or logbooks. Anger logs are very helpful because they give you a chance to review how often you become angry and what you do when you get mad. Here is one weve designed to be useful without taking too much time.

exercise.
Trigger: what started your anger? Intensity level: 1-10 Time spent angry (in minutes) Damage: to self, to others

The idea is to track your anger episodes scientically. You can start by creating whats called a baseline by tracking your anger episodes for about a week before you try to make any changes. Then you can get serious about altering your behavior. Set reasonable goals, such as cutting the number of anger episodes by half, lowering the average intensity by a couple points on a scale of 0 to 10, getting over your anger 25 percent faster, saying far fewer mean things, and maybe completely stopping any physical acts of aggression. You dont need to set a goal of never getting angry again. Thats impossible. Youd be setting yourself up for failure. But if you do need to downsize your anger, you now have four clear ways to measure your success.

Practices and Examples 11

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The Substitution Principle

Heres an exercise to help you get started on substituting positive energy for negative anger. It is also an exercise in positive imagery.

exercise. First, imagine an old-style of portrait of yourself hanging on a wall, showing just your head and bust. In your
mind, place a heavy black frame around your portrait. What characteristics are added to the picture by that frame? Now, in your imagination, change the heavy black frame to a thinner, medium brown frame. Now how do you look: closer or farther away, lighter or darker, trapped in the frame or not? How do you look and feel different? Now again change the frame. This time alter the frame to the nicest color and style you could have to hold your portrait. Let this new frame be one that specically helps you feel positive instead of negativejoyful, playful, or happy instead of angry, irritable, or grumpy. Now think of what kind of thoughts, feelings, and actions go with the mood youve created with this framed picture. Youve been living in that rst frame far too long. Take it off and replace it with a better one.

Practices and Examples 12

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Accepting Your Anger

How familiar are you with the term mindfulness? Mindfulness occurs when you are able to pay full attention in the moment to the world and to whatever is happening inside you. Mindfulness is a state of nonjudgment. Nothing that occurs is wrong or bad. It just is what it is. Thats where acceptance comes in. When you can accept your anger without judgment, you can actually gain freedom from the anger. You watch your anger with interest, but you are not consumed by it. Heres one way to think about accepting your anger that is part of the mindfulness tradition: Imagine that your anger and all your other emotions have come to pay you a visit. Imagine theyre all arriving at the same time. You surely dont want to be a rude host and not let anger in when all the others are welcome. So allow anger into your house and treat it kindly. But you dont have to go along with angers plans if involves getting drunk and being rude to the other guests. Letting anger into your home means youll listen to angers stories but not act upon them. Another mindfulness approach to anger goes like this: Imagine that anger is a plant growing in your garden. Let it grow. Just dont give it too much water and plant food. Let it stay a flower rather than becoming a weed in the garden of your life. Still another mindfulness metaphor is to treat your anger like a small child. Listen to this child and be respectful. But dont give in to tantrums. We hope you can use these stories to help you accept your anger without acting upon it. If not, perhaps you can develop your own way to visualize this task.

Practices and Examples 13

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Anger Invitations

Its always tempting to take the anger bait. Youll need to focus on something strong inside you that will help you swim away.

exercise. Let yourself think about this inner strength. Which of these characteristics about you will most help you to
say no to anger invitations?
Your deep caring and love for people Sheer stubbornness Your religious or spiritual beliefs A personal vision of yourself as a calm person A very practical need to keep out of trouble An increasing desire to become mentally healthier A denite conviction that its time to grow up Being really tired of being made a fool of by people who can make you mad A rm moral belief in treating others fairly and respectfully Something else (what?)

Practices and Examples 14

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Taking a Good Time-Out

Time-outs are a shared responsibility. Sally and Rodney are having a dispute. Sally wants to purchase a new cell phone. Rodney doesnt think they can afford it. The discussion begins to heat up into a dispute. After a few minutes of nastiness, Sally tells Rodney that she needs to take a time-out. Now Rodney has to make a choice. He could (a) tell Sally shes a coward for running away; (b) block the doorway so she cant leave; (c) let her go but get even more angry because now shes gone away; or (d) both let her go and use her absence so that he too can calm down. Time-outs work best when both parties understand and approve of them. Thats why we say they represent a shared responsibility. All too often, though, the partner of the potential time-out taker disapproves. He or she may feel threatened and abandoned, perhaps believing that the time-out taker wont return at all. Partners might also believe that the leaver is just using the time-out as an excuse to get away or as a way to exert power and control. They may also believe, perhaps correctly based upon their mutual experience, that after a partner returns, he or she will refuse to discuss the issue that drove them apart. So here are a few words for the partner of someone who needs a time-out. Please share these thoughts with your partner. Then work together to develop a mutually satisfactory way to manage your time-outs: Assume that your partner is making a good-faith effort to handle the situation appropriately. He or she is honestly trying not to lose control. Realize that its in your best interest to allow your partner to take a needed time-out. Your partner is making an announcement, not asking your permission. Its not your job to decide if your partner really needs to take a time-out. You can use that time-out to relax, calm down, and think, just as your partner is doing. Youll have a much better opportunity to resolve your differences after your partner takes that timeout than you did before.

Practices and Examples 15

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Breathing and Relaxing in Stressful Situations

There is a part of your body called the autonomic nervous system. Autonomic means automatic. This system takes care of most of your basic needs, such as breathing and muscle movement, automatically so that you dont have to think about them consciously. The autonomic system is composed of two segments. The first is called the sympathetic nervous system. The job of this system is to prepare you for action. Its your fight-or-flight center. The sympathetic system activates your muscles, focuses your attention, and increases your heart rate. It also turns off noncritical functions such as digestion. The parasympathetic nervous system works in the opposite direction. This system inhibits action. It turns off your emergency alarm system. It allows you to relax. Obviously, these two systems cannot both be on at the same time. And thats the secret of breathing and relaxation training. The entire idea here is to turn on the parasympathetic nervous system while switching off the sympathetic nervous system. The critical message is that there is no emergency (or the emergency is over) and its okay to kick back and relax. Anger activates the sympathetic nervous system. Every minute you let yourself stay angry is a minute youre acting under emergency conditions. But living in emergency status takes a heavy toll. The longer the sympathetic nervous system is turned on, the harder it is on your body. Specifically, that system releases hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline, which work very well in the short term. These neurochemicals promote alertness and activation, but they also cause significant damage to your body in the long run. One well-documented result is that people with chronic anger are at high risk to develop heart problems and to be candidates for strokes. Thats because some of the chemicals released during stress dont get used up. Instead, they get laid down in your arteries and veins where they become part of the plaque buildup that causes strokes. Relaxation training is exactly thattraining. You will need to practice deep breathing and relaxation exercises regularly for them to be effective. Also, these techniques probably work best for most people preventatively, so you dont want to wait for a crisis to use them. Instead, find a good time every day to practice them. Youll need to incorporate breathing and relaxation into your life as partners rather than as occasional visitors.

Practices and Examples 16

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Avoiding Anger as a Permanent Condition

Heres another image that relates to how anger can take over your life. Think of how your computer is loaded with default options. These are the procedures that go on automatically whenever you start up a particular program. For instance, suppose you wanted to type WORD. The default option is for the computer to display lower-case letters, so youd have to press the shift key down to make capital letters. The human emotional default option is normally set at neutral. That means you dont feel an emotion until there is a specific reason to feel it. The neutral setting saves energy. Emotions arent needed unless something important is happening. So what happens when anger becomes your default option? There it is, as soon as you wake up and start your engine for the day. And its still there at noon, at 6 p.m., at night. Just about anything will trigger your anger. What a waste of energy. Your personal computer can probably barely function. With real computers you can sometimes simply push the reset button to restore your original options. Maybe you can do that too. Some people get to a point where they are sick and tired of their anger. They say to themselves, Thats enough. I dont need to be this way anymore. And, amazingly, they essentially push their own reset button and become far less angry. However, you may not be that fortunate. You may have to get out the equivalent of your computer manual and study it a while in order to find the reset button. What bothers people the most about their computers? Its probably that they run too slow. And why is that? Often their computers are filled with unnecessary programs that interfere with their ability to work effectively. Well, chronic anger does exactly that to your brain when anger is your default option. Every message has to be processed through your anger filter, even ones that normally have nothing at all to do with anger. Isnt the weather nice today? How are you feeling today? I love you. Most people dont get angry when they hear these words. But think of how much time and energy it takes to filter each of these messages, and for that matter every incoming message, through the anger option. You can fix your poorly performing computer. Start by turning off the anger default switch. Go back to having your emotional default set at neutral. Thats the purpose of this whole book.

Practices and Examples 17

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Putting Yourself in Someone Elses Shoes

Its a good idea to think of empathy as if it were a two-lane bridge that spans the mental and emotional gap between yourself and others. By two lanes we mean that there are two distinct ways to improve your empathy skills. The first way depends upon how much alike we all are. The second approach emphasizes our differences.

exercise. Heres a paper-and-pencil empathy exercise for you that handles both similarities and differences.
First, think of somebody you know at least a little who seems very different than you. Perhaps you are twenty-ve years old, male, a construction worker, and extroverted (liking to do things with people a lot), while the other person is female, fty years old, works in an ofce, and is more introverted (prefers alone time). Next, take a few minutes to list all the ways you and the other person are alike. Write down ve similarities. Dont make this exercise too easy, though. Yes, were all human beings, but so what? Look for less universal similarities. Here are a few typical examples: Were both parents of two daughters. We both have a biting sense of humor. Were both pretty unemotional, at least in public. Were both regular churchgoers. Now write down ve differences. Examples here might include facts like these: Im a white man, and shes a black woman. Im outgoing, and shes very quiet. Her kids are grown, and mine are still small. I vote Republican, and she has a bumper sticker for a Democrat on her car. Name of person: Similarities: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Differences: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Go back to the similarities. Do you see how these likenesses link the two of you together? Now look at the differences. These are what make people interesting to each other. Without differences, wed bore each other to tears. Youve got to take an interest in these dissimilarities. Think of asking the person we described above
Practices and Examples 18

to discuss her life. How do you think her experience as a black woman living in white-dominated America has affected how she thinks and feels? What are the differences between being twenty-ve and fty years of age?

Empathy is a two-lane road. Take the similarity lane for basic human connection. Take the difference lane to discover anothers unique experiences.

Practices and Examples 19

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Replacing Negative Thoughts with Positive Ones

How did you become so negative? We designed this book around the idea of giving you some quick and practical ways to change your behavior. But sometimes its good to go deeper. One question we have for you is this: How did you become so negative in the first place? Perhaps your immediate answer will be I dont know. Ive always been this way. Okay, but dont stop there. Ask yourself a few questions: When I was growing up, were my parents particularly negative? Did they teach me to expect the worst in others? Was there a time in my life when I was more positive than I am now? If so, what happened to change me? How has my negativity helped me survive in the past? Is it still needed now? How would my life be different if I quit making hostile assumptions about the motivations of people around me? Your negativity may actually be part of a larger package if it comes mixed with large helpings of distrust. Distrusting people begin with the belief that nobody can be trusted. You may think that way because youve been betrayed in the past, perhaps by an unfaithful boyfriend or girlfriend, business partner, or associate. Would-be friends have to past test after test before you even begin to trust them. Even small failures are enough for you to jettison the relationship with an Uh-huh, I knew theyd let me down sooner or later.

exercise. Have you become unnecessarily distrusting? If so, you can start back on the right track by consciously
remembering to look for evidence that you can trust people, especially those closest to you. Notice their small truths in the same way you would notice someones small acts of kindness. For example, you give someone a few dollars to buy something for you, and that evening you nd the change right there on the table. Its these small truths that help you decide someone is trustworthy. Also, of course, you need to remind yourself not to go around trying to prove someone is out to harm you. Pick ve people youd like to learn to trust more. Then write down todays evidence, based on what they say and do, that would tell a reasonably objective person that the individual is trustworthy.

Practices and Examples 20

Name of person

Todays evidence that I can trust this person

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Practices and Examples 21

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Identifying Your Other Emotions

How is it that you become so aware of your anger while failing to pay much attention to your other emotions? Perhaps you think you would show weakness if you noticed your sadness? Maybe you believe others would make fun of you if you admitted you were afraid? Possibly you would feel too exposed if you let people see your caring and compassion. The bottom line is that anger may be the only emotion you have that you feel safe in feeling or sharing. Its time to challenge the idea or habit of only recognizing or displaying anger. You need to let yourself become friends with your other feelings, The only way to do that is to invite them in. Think of these other feelings as if they were stray puppies hanging around the door to your home. Right now theyre just hoping youll open the door a crack and throw them a bone. Why dont you surprise the puppies by letting them come in so they can feel safe and grow stronger?

exercise. Heres a chance for you to be your own emotional detective. List a few situations in which you became angry.
Then write at least one other emotion that each situation might have triggered but you didnt notice at the time. Situation in which you became angry Other emotions you may have felt

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.

Practices and Examples 22

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Looking for the Good Instead of the Bad

You may be someone who looks for whats wrong not only with others but also with yourself. Your mental thoughts might go like this: Well, I sure screwed that job upand I look like crap today as usualand Ill probably say something people wont likeand all in all Im a born loser. Also, it would be difficult for you to accept compliments because they dont fit with your self-image: She says I am smart, but she doesnt really know me.

exercise. Youll need to make a strenuous effort to begin recognizing your own goodness if this picture ts your life.
For starters, try the same exercise we described in the second section but apply it to yourself. Begin by trashing yourself (but for no longer than ve minutes!). Emphasize your weak points, problems, and character aws. Then go on to your good points. You might need to get help from others to construct a list of your positive features so youll have something to use in this section. Make sure, by the way, that you dont follow up some self-praise with the word but, which can turn the praise into criticism. Repeat this exercise frequently until the positive thoughts come into your mind at least as easily as the negative ones. These beginning phrases will help you notice some good things about yourself: Something I am good at is One thing people like about me is I am proud of myself when I One of my major accomplishments in life is One of my character strengths is I feel most alive when I One of my moral strengths is Something I really care about is

Practices and Examples 23

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Defusing a Potential Conict

Here are a few thoughts about some of the thirty-nine ways to defuse a conflict. 1. Just walk away. Sometimes declining someone elses anger invitation is the best way not to get into a useless argument. Heres one example: Your buddys been drinking too much and now he turns on you, ready to fight. Any reasonable person would leave instead of joining in. 2. Apologize. We dont mean saying youre sorry just to get someone off your back even though you dont believe youve done any harm. But if you have actually said something thoughtless or acted poorly, then a sincere apology really helps. Just dont demand that the other person also apologize. 10. Make a joke to lighten the mood. Make sure the joke is on yourself, not the other person, or youll make things worse. 12. Step back a little. Try to have less ego involvement in the dispute. Imagine that you are watching someone else, preferably somebody who can stay calm, in this situation. What would this other person do? 24. Do something different, to break the escalation pattern. Its easy to get frozen into old behavior patterns at the beginning of a conflict. We say the same old, same old and get the same old resulta wasted argument. So try something different this time. For instance, sit down instead of standing. Stick around instead of leaving. Give a compliment instead of criticism. 28. Think in both/and terms instead of either/or. Good relationships are not competitive sporting events. There doesnt have to be a winner and a loser. So look for a mutually positive solution instead of trying to win the battle. 31. Take the other persons concerns seriously. Give that person credit for having a brain. Listen to what he or she says and dont just discount it. For example, if your partner says that youve been anxious lately, dont say, Thats BS. Youre an idiot. Dont even think it. Listen carefully and take it seriously. 32. Think, Im okay; youre okay. Do you need any more enemies than you already have? If not, give the other person the benefit of the doubt, especially if this person happens to be someone you love. 38. Respond to an attack with caring and compassion. Sometimes not responding to an attack takes more courage than reacting. Now this is certainly difficult. Someone calls you a dirty SOB. Of course you want to retaliate. Who wouldnt? But you still have a choice. The fight could be over right now if you dont counterattack.

Practices and Examples 24

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Using I Statements

You can use I statements at work. But be careful. There is an old saying that is very relevant to this conversation: do not go to work to make friends. Work presents an entirely different situation than home when it comes to using I statements. The main distinction is that you usually wont want to share your feelings as much at work. Lets say your coworker promised to bring an important file to you this morning but left it at home instead. You could certainly use the standard formula: (a) You said youd bring me the file and you didnt; (b) I feel annoyed and frustrated; and (c) I want you to go home and get it. But what makes you think your coworker cares about your feelings? Maybe he does, maybe he doesnt. But even if he does care about your feelings, you probably should downplay the emotional component at work. Sticking to the facts will get you further. Heres a better approach for using the I statement in the workplace:
1.

The first part of your I statement still addresses the specific problem: Jim, you promised to bring me that file, but you left it at home. This segment changes from sharing your feelings to stating how his behavior affects your work performance. I need to write my report today, and I must have that file to do so. And now say what you want. I need you to get me that file before noon so I can finish my report after lunch.

2.

3.

What is happening at your workplace where you might use an I statement?

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Fair-Fighting Guidelines

Fair fighting is seldom easy to do. Imagine, though, how much more difficult it would be to contain your anger when the other party to a disagreement fights dirty. Here you are, breathing calmly, focusing on solutions, being willing to compromise, and sticking to one issue at a time, while the other person is yelling and screaming, refusing to negotiate or compromise, and bringing up every issue that has ever developed between the two of you. And if the other party happens to be your long-time partner, then possibly he or she is saying the things that will hurt you the most. Now you have a truly Herculean task on your hands. You must attempt to keep control of your temper in the face of indisputable anger invitations. Life would be a lot easier if everybody fought fair. Obviously that isnt going to happen in the predictable future. However, you could certainly share this fair-fighting material with your partner or others you deal with regularly. True, they might take one look at the fair-fighting rules and rip the paper to shreds, saying that they will definitely never commit to them. If so, at least youll know what you are up against. But perhaps these other people are just as frustrated as you and also dont want every disagreement to keep ending up in a battle royal. They too might welcome an opportunity to increase your mutual safety during conflict. So this is our suggestion: Inform your partner (or others) that youve been working to get better about handling disagreements and that youve found some material that is helping you stay calm during these situations. Ask the other person if he or she would be interested in seeing this stuff. Be careful not to lecture or come off superior (You really need these fair-fighting rules more than I do). Remember, this is a request, not an order. If the other party agrees, then sit down right away and go over the rules together. Let each of you select the ones you most need to use. Make a shared commitment to follow the rules. Then police yourself, not the other person, the next time you enter into a conflictual discussion. What if the other party refuses to go along? Well, just leave a copy of the rules on the kitchen table or somewhere in the office. Maybe that individual will at least look them over on his or her own. At any rate, keep practicing these rules for yourself. That way there will be only one person making a fool of himself or herself instead of both of you.

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Using Your Anger to Fight for a Cause

Advocacy is a very strong activity. Advocates normally feel passionately about the cause for which they are fighting. Think of people like George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Martin Luther King Jr. Where would America be without men and women who are willing to fight and perhaps die for their beliefs? However, anything so powerful can become dangerous. Advocacy can get out of hand. Thats why we offer several cautions about how advocacy can become a problem. Dont fight for something you dont know enough about. Make sure you get your facts right before marching off to war. Dont listen to people on just one side of the fence. Do enough research to fully understand the situation before taking your stand. Pick your battles carefully. Advocates tend to fight too many battles. Its better to be very selective so that you can make the best use of limited resources. Beware of rigidity. Its hard to keep an open mind while advocating fiercely for a cause. But in the long run youll be most effective by staying open to new thoughts, tactics, and overall strategies. Dont get caught up in ego displays. The goal is to fight for a cause, not to become a hero. Dont rush to stand in the spotlight of public attention unless that is truly necessary. Stay humble. Too many advocates become so morally righteous that they lose all contact with the people they supposedly are fighting for. We have two questions for you: Which of these warnings might apply to you if you were to become an advocate for some cause or principle? What would you need to do to guard against falling prey to one of the above temptations?

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Deep Resentments and the Need to Forgive

Forgiveness is a difficult goal to achieve. However, when someone does find the inner resources to forgive an offender, the result is that he or she achieves a sense of closure. Finally the open wound heals. Unrelenting pain fades away to be replaced with feelings of calmness, serenity, peace of mind, and hopefulness. Here is a story about someone weve worked with who found forgiveness in his heart. Terry, a forty-five-year-old, married mechanic, had grown up in a home with a physically and verbally abusive alcoholic father. Even after Terry had moved away, his dad would call frequently when intoxicated to berate Terry, who in turn tried to minimize contact by screening his calls and changing his phone number frequently. Eventually his father died from liver disease, undoubtedly caused by his drinking. Terry was relieved at first. Seven years went by before Terry showed up at our clinic. He told us that he was still carrying around a terrible image of his father beating him with an ax handle when Terry was twelve years old. Every time Terry thought about that incident, he felt furious. He imagined himself wrestling that ax handle away and attacking his father with it. He knew he was in trouble as he discussed his feelings: What is happening to me? Im trying to take revenge on a dead man. We helped Terry look at all the options discussed above: distraction, emotional indifference, forgiveness, and reconciliation. He opted for forgiveness because he needed to find some way to accept what had happened rather than just try to get on with his life. We then asked him to tell us as many positive things as he could remember about his fathers interactions with him. Terry couldnt think of any at first. But gradually, over a period of weeks, he began to recall many good times, including his father swinging him at the playground and later going on a long fishing trip with Terry after high school graduation. We also asked Terry to tell us how his father had grown up. It turned out that his fathers father had been even meaner to his son than that his dad had been to Terry. At least Dad would stop hitting me when I fell down. Grandpa just kept kicking my dad. Then Terry said something that proved pivotal: I guess Dad did try to be a good father. He just couldnt give us what he never had himself. And with those words Terry began taking his father back into his heart. His father was no longer a monster. He was simply another wounded human being, just like Terry. Terry used positive memories (remembering some good things his father did) and empathy (putting himself in his fathers place) to reconstruct his image of his deceased father. These two tools might also help you to forgive if you choose to use them.

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The Anger-Turned-Inward and Self-Forgiveness Challenges

Sometimes it is harder to forgive yourself than anybody else. Still, almost everybody has done things they later deeply regret. As long as youve changed your ways so you wont repeat those actions (or failures to act responsibly), it would be better to forgive yourself than to keep beating yourself up.

exercise. Here are the steps you need to follow to achieve self-forgiveness:
1. Write down exactly what you did or failed to do that feels unforgivable. Dont be vague. Dont write, I was

mean to my wife, which is a fuzzy statement, when you could write, I kept accusing my wife of cheating on me instead.
2. Think about and write down which of your core values you violated. Example: My value is to respect and

honor my wife, and instead I disrespected her.

3. Write about what was going on in your life at the time of your acts of transgression or neglect. Example: I

was going through a hard time. My father was dying, and I was laid off from work
4. Write down how youve punished yourself for your errors and how you continue to do so by refusing to forgive

yourself. Example: I call myself mean names all the time. I turn down opportunities for enjoyment because I think I havent been punished enough yet for me to feel good.
5. Write down how youve tried to make amends for what you did or failed to do. Example: I went to counseling

to learn why I was so suspicious, and now I remind myself daily to trust her.
6. Now renew your personal commitment to be faithful to your core values. Example: I will continue to respect

and honor my wife every day of my life.

7. Take a deep breath and say, And now I forgive myself. 8. Repeat this exercise (mentally, without writing) twice a day for thirty days.

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