Novel Final

Sorrow Amidst Happiness
Sorrow
Amidst
Happiness
Acknowledgment
I am indebted to the following people for their help and support; To the Almighty God for the knowledge, strength and wisdom. His guidance leads me to select the most desirable way to success. To my parents who provided me their financial support, love and moral values as well as advice. To my Sea Hunter family for being my supporter, lending their hands for me and molding me as a student journalist. To Prof. Eva V. Brinosa as our mentor, adviser and as mother to us. I am so grateful to have you. To my friends, for sharing their precious time especially I.K.B for being my inspiration. Thank you very much!
This novelette is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either a product of the author's imagination/dream or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual people living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.
CHAPTER I
"Love is so magical but sometimes full of burden. Sometimes we fall in love with the wrong one but God has His purpose with it. Sometimes we just didn't see and appreciate what He just did for us. Sometimes, it is for our betterment but sometimes for our worst for the nastiest first for us to learn our lessons and finally appreciate everything's existence. I knew that in my past I had also cheated my feelings and now I am here alone enjoying my single hood. I know God has His reason why forbid that chapter of my life. I know someday I will find the one for me. For now all I realize is that it takes to be single to know what your heart really desires."
My immaculate skin can now feel the rays

coming from the king of the east. The sun had set. It is just a typical morning again and it seems like no ending. I'm still half-asleep. I forced myself to get out of my bed to fix myself before the alarm started ringing at 7:00 am. It was so difficult to live and function alone. You must cook for yourself and serve for yourself. I don't know why my father and mother agreed to form care for other race. Maybe if they don't do that, I will be not like this, living solo, no one cares and stationary. It made me think that they only came into my life to teach me how to live alone. Since my parents were working abroad. I cannot feel to be cared and to be loved by them. In my life here in our native country I did not experience to receive gifts personally from my parents. I can't feel to be considered as their child. Virtuous, innocent, yes, indeed I was barely fifteen and had never been cared by my beloved parents.
Aside from it, it is really hard to live alone, sometimes it makes difficult for me to see life as beautiful as it is. "Hey you butafuckoo, come on let's play basketball with JM," A stone feel on the roof of my house that made me surprised. Who would come here this early in the morning? I looked through the window and I saw Kian and JM waiting outside. Since it is morning, I decided to go along with these two assholes. :) Just kidding. I hurriedly fix myself because I don't want them wait longer. "I'm here, but wait... only the three of us will play?" I asked them feeling that we're close even Kian had just moved in our place last week. "No, maybe there are other guys waiting for us to play with," JM said. "Okay, let's go...," I said with excitement. I can't believe Kian came here. We're not yet friends at this point of time. I find him interesting. He had thick hair that fits with his rounded face. He had long eyelashes in his radiant scrutinize check out that made him
attractive. He had tall slender body. He probably came with us because he needs playmates and friends. On our way to gymnasium, we don't have any idea that we'll be into a fight. "Hey dude, you're just new here right? You're with a girl wearing jersey," it was Marc pertaining to his neighbor JM. "What did you say? He's not gay, he came to us to play basketball," Kian wrathfully uttered. "How can you do that right in front of me? They are my friends and I don't want them be judged," he again said. "No, it's not what you think," Marc naggingly said. "I don't want to hear your excuses! You're making me even angrier," Kian was very annoyed by the provocable mouth of Marc. The next scene is getting fun, and both are inflamed. "Kian, stop fighting," I supposed to start yelling and say, "Please don't fight anymore, you're just hurting one another."
I and JM can't do anything about this. Kian and Marc by that time quarreled. They are hitting one another in any parts of their body. Kian had beaten Marc straight to the left face and a punch to the right eye. Marc ran as fast as he could while saying that he'll be backed to revenge to what Kian did to him. We are all laughing at dud Marc. He's just a loser. We agreed not to go to gymnasium thinking that Marc is already there waiting for us. We just went back home to clean the wounds and scars given by Marc to Kian. "Ouch,...not on that part, this is the result of that outcast Marc. He should be the one to be blamed on this," Kian outcries while I'm cleaning his wounds. "Hahahaha... you wanted it, and then suffer for this," I teasingly said to Kian while he's yelling with pain. Through this we came out with friendship. I live alone which I hate and Kian lives with his family which he also hates. He wants to live alone and decide for his life because at the age of fifteen he can't wait to be freed by the cage built by his father. That father who hates basketball for him, thinking that it just could be destruction for his studies. I'm gratified to Kian because he makes my gloomy days burst into laughter. We used to be
the best buddy then. We became bestfriend literally the best of friends. I left behind my antagonistic thoughts in life and let the by gone be by gones when I met this person. He changed my perception in life. He changed my whole life by getting a kick out of him. He became the panacea of all the woes in my life. Everyday became memorable day to both of us. We used to have fun when we are together. Sometimes we are hanging up with our friends and drink beers while partying with the girls. He chases after girls while I chase before him. I just let him do what are the things that make him happy through that I can say that I'm happy too. Vacation sooner will end. It's the time for us to continue our studies in fourth year high school. "Where you want to study and what year are you this coming school year?" I asked him. "I'll be 4th Year, I do not know, maybe in the same school that I last attended," he replied effortlessly while dribbling ball. "Ah, okay, would you mind if I enroll in your school, I'm going to be 4th year student too, through that we can be classmates," I smile while uttering those words but I am serious on what I had said.
"Okay, that's even better if we go at the same school," he agreed. Kian asked me to accompany him to their house because his parents had partied with their family friends. It was already six o'clock in the evening and it is almost three hours of playing play station when I noticed that the sun finally bid its goodbye. My heart beats fast. My mind is now digging for a good reason to defend myself when my parents know this. They will get mad at me. They could say that I'm just wasting my time having chitchats with friends rather than doing worthy things. On its counterpart, I can't blame myself, I enjoyed playing with Kian and I forgot about the time. I lived my past years with no friends and no games. Just stayed inside the house and have a review for those lessons in school. I'm living in the reality that I'm in the busy world of learning. I had no choice because it is the only thing that I can do while living in the normal side of my life. "It's already quarter to 7 o'clock in the evening, I shall bring you to your home," Kian offered to accompany me going home. "Thank you, but I can manage myself, I can go home alone," I smiled.
"Okay, just take care with yourself pare," he said to me. "Okay, thank you, you too pare." It became our endearment. I call him pare from that time and then. On my way back home I used to tell to myself. "I wish it was vacation again and forever vacation so I could go and have fun again and of course to look for him." That one time of staying at Kian's house was happened again for the second, third... fourth and fifth time straight of going home late. I enjoyed it very much, wishing that it will never end for I savor happiness from him. We already talked about the school that we're to enroll with and that's Kian's school in Manila. I thought everything was well, but one day I knew that Kian will be leaving sooner. Without my consciousness, flashback starts again. Those times that we're playing, those times of hanging up in their house and that time that he got into fight with Marc. I wish I could turn back time and let it be forever...
CHAPTER II
"I believe that we are the one who controls on what we feel that we are the one who dictates what destiny would be. We are the twin soul of destiny. Just like soulmate we believe that our destiny is the one that god reserve for us. Someday there is someone who will come to change and rule our world. Someone that God provided for us to love and love us back."
I found myself sitting and I don't want to live

out my life thinking my old times with chimera. I don't want to live my life in the past. I finished building castle in the air. Coming out of my daze. I get my two bulky baggage in my pallid room and have a deep sigh behind the door. I will miss Mindoro. It is really hard to leave my beloved province. I had to say goodbye to my room, bed, chair, table which became my friends before the time Kian wasn't at me. Gonna miss the fresh air from towering trees, mountains and river where the water flows, but all I know is I should move on. Indeed, I need to move to Manila. I couldn't believe I was going to be living there. I'd known it for a week, but the reality of it simply hadn't sunk in. But now I am here, going to be there. Days had passed and it seems like it was only yesterday when I left Mindoro. I still capture this time when I used to hang out with Kian that makes me really missed all about yesterday.
"Hello Kian, this is me, your pareng Lhei, sooner I'll be there maybe an hour," I excitedly told Kian. "Owkay, I'm looking forward you to be here. Just keep in touch to me so that I can know where you are. Don't be bashful to stay here in our house." I arrived at Kian's house at almost past 7 o'clock in the evening. Now I'm here, I'll be staying at their house and will be studying with him at the same school. "Come in, he welcomed me in their house. "Thank you, it's nice to be here." "You're always welcome. I comfortably sat on their soft couch and I felt so sleepy when suddenly my phone rang, it was my mother calling. "Hey son, what's going on? Are you going to enroll at different school? Why?," my Mom angrily said on the phone. "Yes Mom, I decided to enroll at Kian's school, he's my friend. Actually I had already moved to Manila and I'm in their house right now," I explained.
"Oh son, what is happening to you? What made you decide to enroll and at Manila? It's quite far different from your school in province," my Mom argued. "Tsk, I already decided. I'm going to enroll here. That's my final descision," I braggingly said to my Dad. Toot...Toot......Toot...Toot... I ended our conversation. I told to Kian what did my mother say and he also agreed on what my decision was. "The dinner is ready." "Good evening Tita, thank you for the food. "You're always welcome my dear. You're one of the closest friends of my son and from now on I'll be treating you as my son too," Kian's Mom said. "Nice to hear that Tita, I'm really shy until now. I feel unease maybe because it's my first time here in Manila. I wonder what my life would be here," I naggingly said while all of them are staring at me. "Hahahaha, don't feel that way Lhei, you're welcome here and besides I agreed you to enroll here..so don't worry anything," he said while smiling. I never thought that this day will come that this
dream of mine will ever come true. It was really worth to sacrifice little things to get the big things in life. I wish my eyes could speak what my heart really feels at this moment because my lips cannot utter the exact words to describe what I really feel inside. Again my phone rang and this time it's my Mom calling... "Hello Ma..." "Son, are you okay there? Just call me back if you have something neede. By the way what school are you planning to enroll?" "Arellano University Ma..." "Is it a good school?" "I don't know thus far, I'll be inquiring tomorrow with Kian." "Who's he?" "He's my friend Ma.. He's the son of Beatriz Quinton."
"What a small world! She's my best friend since we're in highschool until college, but now I don't have any news about her." "Nice to hear that Ma. I'll tell this to them later." "Okay, Just call me back if you need something." "K. Bye..." Kian and I went to his room and he said that for the meantime I'll be sleeping with him in his room. It just so happened that their guest room wasn't yet cleaned. It's a new day, a new beginning. The alarm started ringing at 6 o'clock in the morning and kept ringing until I craw led out of the bed to bang my fist on it. I woke up extra early today because I slept not on my bed. I don't know why. I was not really a morning person, so when I headed down the stairs for breakfast. I was perplexed because no one was there. Maybe they are still asleep that's why no one was on the table. After a few minutes while looking somewhere, I heard a sound of a being dribbled. The sound was coming at the left wing of the house. I saw Kian playing basketball so I headed towards him. "Good morning Kian." "Good morning Lhei, How's your sleep? "It's fine." "We are going to enroll today, make sure that your requirements are ready." "It's already fixed, I make sure that all the
requirements are ready before leaving the house." "Do you want to join me here? Let's play." "Oh sure, pass the ball." Kian and I played basketball until our jersey became wet. We finished playing and we both get tired. I'm going to take bath Lhei and you're next to me," Kian said while wiping out his sweat that flows over his body. We went to Arellano University and we enrolled at the High school Department. We became classmates and our schedule is that as much as good. On the first day of school, I was very bashful and Kian is the only company that I used to talk with. But sometimes he used to talk with his past classmates. I was seated on the front portion of the classroom while he was seated on the back portion of our classmates we're quite far to one another. I've seen our classmates that probably soon to be my friends too. Upon entering the classroom, I feel so embarrassed because all eyes are on me. I used to be careful with my acts. I sat down and still they're staring at me.
"Hello, what's your name? Can we be friends?," a jolly and quite sexy girl came to ask my name. "Oh sure, I'm LheiJaranilla Gutierrez from Oriental Mindoro. I decided to transfer here to experience what life
comes ahead in the city. How about you? What's your name." I asked her while staring at his fringy bangs. "Oh, well well well. We'll be good to you, by the way I am Aira Arnado the class P.I.O. and the President of the "C Club" as in Chitchatters Club the most blabbery mouths of the class," she kiddingly uttered to me while sitting in the front desk. I laughed. "Hahaha, can I now fill up the membership form?," I said. "Oh sure my dear. Actually I do have a photocopy here. Aja! You're quite funny to be with I guess." Airah said with matching rolling of eyeballs. "I don't think so but I can ride with all kinds of jokes even to the corniest jokes!," I laughed sarcastically while my classmates' attention was on us. "Hahaha, oh em gee... that's nice. And speaking of nice... you look so nice and handsome, how are you related to Kian?," she asked while winking of eyes. "We're just friends. I had just met him in Mindoro this last vacation," I answered while looking to Kian.
Our teacher arrived in our class. She's pretty and a head turner person because of her slender body. She wears high heels that make her even glamorous that fits with her uniform as a young teacher. She's Miss Marissa Estoya. "Good morning class, it is our first day of school. Some of you are the students who are just returning in this school and some of you are new faces. Before we start our discussion. Let's first give chance to the transferees to introduce themselves," she said with full of energy. I volunteered and start speaking, "Good morning to everyone have a nice day. I am Lhei Jaranilla Gutierrez from Oriental Mindoro and I'm looking forward to be your classmate and be friend as well. Thank you." I naggingly uttered while staring to my classmates even I'm embarassed. They all clapped that means they are welcoming me in their class.
It was a great day for me and I enjoyed at my new school very nuch. No one could say that I lonely because they can see in my eyes my happiness.
I and Kian ride to his house together. We got home at past 6 o'clock in the evening because of traffic. We ate our food for dinner and worked on our assignment. It became our daily routine. We ride to school together and ride to home together. Many sunrise and sunset had passed. It's been a month that I'm staying at Kian's house. My mother decided for me to stay in the condo of my uncle a kilometer away from our school. At first I was hesitant to obey my mother but then again I agreed to her definitely because she's my mother. Again I'm living solo. I took a shower and fixed myself to get ready for school. After which, I made my way to wait for a taxi and headed to my best buddy's house. When I arrived in front of their house, I was surprised that he wasn't out sitting on their doorsteps as usual which I found really weird. I took a glance at the time and I realized that I was 10 minutes early. I decided to stay there and paid the driver. I walked inside like I usually did for the past days.
Mrs. Beatriz Quinton, Kian's mother, seemed to be surprised to see me this early when she saw me in the living room. She gave me one of her famous warm smiles and greeted me. "Good morning Tita Bet," I greeted her with smile. "Good morning Lhei, how's your Mom? "She's fine and says hi to you." "Oh how thoughtful of her. Don't forget to say high back and tell her I missed her so much." "No problem Tita. Hmmmm.. How come Kian is not here? Is he late?" I asked. "Oh, but my son already left for school. He already went to school a while ago." "What?!" I was really shocked." "I was beginning to wonder why you were here. I thought he told you that he'll leave earlier for school today." "Ok Tita. I'll just go to school next to him." I smiled while leaving.
Kian left without me?! I should probably start explaining myself. I and Kian ride to school together since I moved at their house. Believe it or not, I know him like the back of my hand. Everything for him is like a joke. She always takes everything lightly. I really don't know why on Earth I had him as my best bud. The point now is that Kian left for school without me, which means something is happening to him that I don't know. I headed to school with a million thoughts on my head. I texted him, but he didn't reply. I looked for him the whole morning, asking everyone I know if they saw him. I decided I would come corner him at lunch, which was a big failure, as he was now here in sight. Someone mentioned seeing him earlier grabbing lunch and heading out of the cafeteria. I looked everywhere, before finally giving up to my grumbling stomach. I was planning to go home already that day when I passed by the school's gymnasium. But of course, the gym, the loud sound was coming from here, the school's cheering squad. There was a game happening at the gymnasium. I headed to the gymnasium with a big smile; there he was wearing his favorite jersey. I decided to wait for him at the bleachers and watched over his game.
Game Over!!! Aja! They won. After 30 minutes of waiting for him, finally their practice ended. I was about to approach him, when their coach came to him. It was Sir Matthew. I saw them talking with him. It seemed to be a very serious talk. After they had talked I'm supposed to approach him, but suddenly a girl came to him. I paused for a while. I don't know why, but I felt a sharp stab of pain on my chest. I just decided to go home alone. I am very gloomy that time. My phone rang, a text message from Kian was on my inbox. From: #kian "Hey dude, I am very happy today. My dream finally came. I am now a varsity player. I had my jersey #7. We hadn't met this day and I'm looking forward that you'll be there tomorrow in my first game. I didn't reply to his text message. I just slept after I had read the message. I thought everything was perfect... that our happiness will never end. But I was wrong. I never thought that the time will come that we will be apart. I didn't come to watch his game and I didn't ever come to school that day.
On the afternoon, I received a message from his younger sister Joana that Kian had an injury, a serious injury in the head. Just then, I felt the pain strike me as I looked at him with my imagination. My legs suddenly fell weak and they buckled beneath me. My energy drained out slowly and I almost fell. I imagined that he's on the hospital lying on the hospital bed, unconscious. When I'm on Kian's house, a loud tap in my shoulder made me go back to reality it was a lizard fell from the ceiling. A few minutes had passed and Kian texted me that they won in their game. He just want to have a good time with me that's why he used his sister's phone to text me in that way. Again I didn't even bother to answer his text message. This is the very first time we had a misunderstanding that lasted for more than one day. I really wished I could just swallow my pride for once and admit that I really do miss him. But when the time came that I was about to approach him, I was shocked to find out that he's waiting for me outside my room. "What are you doing here?" I asked him as I walk towards him. Befor I knew what he was doing he threw his
closed fist around my chest. "I'm sorry pre," he said. I stood still in Kian's fron even I wast hurt then. Tears stung his eyes and stremed down his checks. His arms lingered uncertainly around my waist. Kian tightened his arm around me and so I did move confidently this time. We hugged for a long time each admiring the other's boldness. We were both stung by happiness and believed that we had resolved our misunderstanding silently.
CHAPTER III
When it comes about love, there are two persona lying between an instance; the one that waits and the one that seeks. In an hour of waiting of the person you love, it is also an hour that is wasted to find your true love. You cannot tell if love will instinctively come to you or you just need time to find for it.
It was the third quarter of the school year and we had

just finished enjoying the Christmas and New year's blast of happiness. It is the time for us to again review our notes and listen to everyday's gospel of our dear teacher. The students busily rushed through the corridors as the bell begin ringing. It was lunch break when I woke up from my tireless daydreaming. My train of thoughts was suddenly disturbed by a soft tap on my shoulder. It was Kian. "Why are you spacing out all the time?," he asked with creases in his forehead. "I don't know, there's just this vision bothering me," I replied.
Kian has been good to me so I find it comfortable sharing things to him and because he just listens, no nagging, no complaints. He's like a sponge that absorbs everything I say to him as if my every word is his dear life. All throughout the vacation, he just keeps running in my mind. At this point of time, I can say and would proudly say that I'm head over heels in love with Kian. It's now January 13, 2014 and it's his birthday. Before I knew Kian know how to play guitar that's why I decided to buy a guitar for his birthday. "Happy 16th birthday Kian, I greeted him with full smiles while giving my birthday gift to him. "Thank you, how did you know that I know how to play guitar?", he asked. "When I'm in your house, I saw you on a picture holding a guitar. I just don't know if it's just a props on your picture," I teasingly told to him. "You freak, hahaha, seriously I play guitar since I was in Grade six," he added.
"Who taught you?, I asked. "Our music teacher taught us how to play different musical instruments, he proudly said to me while testing the guitar. "Oh, now I know, you're not just pretty good in ball games, you're also good in different things," I uttered to him. "I know right," he said head high. I laughed sarcastically. It became our hang out. We used to jam after every class. My foot instinctively brought me to the place where we frequently pay a visit to. It is a kiosk in the school campus. We tend to be the attraction especially when he sings. One day, while he is playing and singing with his guitar, a girl came to him and said, "Sana gitara nalang ako, para habang kumakanta ka hinahug mo ko." All yelled while teasing the two. I thought this girl was head over heels in loved to Kian. She was Shane. A girl having slender body and probably a head-turner person, so tall and strapping with long black hair at bounce about his
shoulder with his long stride. Everything has changed. It took me a while when I knew that they are already in a relationship. They became boyfriends and girlfriends. I hate it when they are together. I am only human that have imperfection and may commit mistake. I cannot hide my emotion. I need to be brave enough and need to be in the state of preparedness to the endless possible repercussion. SOMETIMES WE NEED TO BE BRAVE ENOUGH TO ADMIT THAT WE ARE WEAK. It's been a week of no texting, chatting and talking with Kian. It's the time that I'm hurt most. That feeling of rejection. I gave too much time and attention to him before. But now, I'm withholding my feeling. I saw Kin with Shane walking in the corridor, laughing while having sweet moments. Walking like there's no other people around. I know that he saw me. I ran away from them and Kian ran before me. He's an athlete that's why he caught my left hand quickly because he runs faster than me. "Hey Lhei, what's the problem?," he asked.
"You!!!" "Why?!" "I just don't know. Will you please get off your hand to my hand. Back off! You're standing in my aura. I ran even faster and as fast as I could to get off from them. Everyday seemed to be a pain day. Until our teacher announced that we're going to have our JS Promenade. Everyone get excited for this event. I dunno what to feel, should I be glad or should I worry for once I could see them both in the promenade. "Everyone is expected to join the JS Promenade. It will be the time right in the middle of your ordinary life, love gives you a fairytale, so don't be hesitant to come and join the party." Miss. Marissa explained. "Practice will start tomorrow because we only have a week to prepare all things. It's gonna be fun and memorable," she added. During our practice it is unexpected that we will be in the same group and table. My partner was a junior
student named Imee, she's pretty and a shy type of girl. Next to me is Kian and his intimidating girlfriend. Since then, we're not in good terms. I hate her for her blabber mouth and fringy bangs which irritates my whole existence. I can't take this anymore! My world became so freaking noisy everytime I'm with this couple. I am really intimidated by her! So AwwwwwKward... but I'm not showing it to them. How I wish facebook blocking is applicable to real life situation that moment when you see the person but actually you don't mind for him. He's there, you're there but you don't care for one another. There are three days left and sooner it will be our JS Promenade. It will be my first time to experience a promenade in an urban zone. I prepaired myself. I had enough sleep every night. I had bought a formal dress. It fitted to me that's why I looked so handsome. I can't even wait for that night to come. February 13, 2014 (JS PROMENADE) "Woow, you look great!", Kian said. I walked towards the ball and find the table alotted
for us. I didn't respond to Kian. I'm not into him at this point of time. I'm not on the mood to mingle with him, pretending that I'm okay which is in reality I'm not. The picture taking was started. I was very surprised that all my classmates were really transformed into beautiful ladies and handsome guys. Click! Click! Click! Done! We were done to all rituals and ceremonies of our promenade that Rigodon and transferring of keys and light while forming the figure of letter "J and S" that made us tired. The dance floor was opened. We ate our food for dinner. I danced with many girls. I danced with different girls even I dunno their names. I can't hide my awkwardness to Kian and Shane, the have been dancing since the dance floor had opened. How could I enjoy this night, seeing them in front of me dancing while hugging each other. The dance floor was closed for a while to have the Search for Mr. and Miss JS 2014. I and Kian we're both chosen to be one of the candidates and his girlfriend was also chosen for Miss JS.
Until to the last announcement of winners. Kian became the Mr. JS 2014 and I was the Mr. Senior 2014. His girlfriend also became the Miss Senior. When the sash was being pinned to us I slightly pinched and pinned Shane and laughed sarcastically pretending like there's no thing happened. The dance floor was again opened for us. Unexpectedly BJ came to me asking for me to dance. "Hi Lhei, can we dance?", he said. "Are you crazy, we're both men and besides you're drunk," I said. "It's not what you think, is it a sin to dance with you?, he asked. Hesitantly we danced to the dancing area. All eyes are on us. Some are laughing and some are wondering. In this time, I'm not acting as gay. I can hide my true existence. We're backed on our table and I saw them drinking liquors. "It's prohibited here guys, why are you drinking liquours," I told them.
"Just a little and besides no one will know about this if you will not tell to our teachers, Kian said. "Okay, do what you want." They forced me to have a shot of liquors. It was placed in the bottle of softdrinks that is why it is not so obvious. That one shot resulted to two, three until I get drunk. I can feel that feeling of nausea and vomiting. It's so noticeable that I'm drunk because I'm getting wilder into the dance floor. I do experience this kind of feelings like it seems your world is spinning around. "Lhei... let's dance. I can't believe. I paused for a while. Is this for real? At first, I dunno what to react but because I'm under with the magic of liquor I hurriedly catched his hand and headed to the dance floor. We're both togue-tied and we just both exchanged sweet smiles probably a sarcastic smile. Suddenly the song was changed to "Thousand Years that part II"
Heart beats fast colors and promises, how to be brave?
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall? But watching you stand alone all my doubts suddenly goes away somehow one step closer. I can relate to this music, and we continued dancing. I have died everyday waiting for you, Darling don't be afraid i have love you for a thousand years I'll love you for a thousand more... I started to sing,"I love you for a thousand years...". "Huh?! Do you love me?", he asked. "Yee-eeee-eeess, I do love you even before!", I naggingly said to him. "Whaaaaaaat,?! But why?", he asked. "What more words can I use just for you to believe that I am in love with you head over heels? How many times do I have to shout it out for you to hear how my heart really beats for you?", I utered to him while the song
is still playing. "Hahaha! Nice joke Lhei. I know you're just kidding." He teasingly talked to me. "You just come in my life unexpectedly and put up the torn pieces of my heart. You complete the essence of my existence. I don't know how and why these things happen because this crazy little thing just come and rush inside my heart", I seriously said to him. "No, you're just saying these things because you're drunk," he said. "You made me smile even if you did nothing. I don't know but everytime I see you my lips form arcs automatically. I wonder why but my heart beats abnormally when you're with me and seeing you fixes my ruined day", I added. "Thank you Lhei for loving me, but I love you as my friend... my best buddy", he explained. We're both tongue-tied until the song was ended. I can't explain Why I said and let go of those words. Through that, I knew to myself that it will form a barrier between us but I was wrong. Kian sat beside me and we talked.
"Would you miss me if I leave you?", he asked while drinking beer. "Of course, gonna miss those moments that we're together sharing laughter and tears. Each time that I'm missing you. I felt like I am being drown the pain goes back. If... "Hahahaha! You fool", he laughed ironically. "I hate you! I hate you for making me love you. I hate you because you made me feel being loved but that's so untrue. But the worst thing I hate is that you had given me everything to unlove you but all was just a thought. Everytime I choose to move on even we're not in a relationship. You came back and again make me feel love. I hate you because I can't help myself falling in love with you over and over again," I exclaimed! What lies ahead of us is uncertain. The night was over... I can say that my most unforgettable experience is one of my most embarrassing moments that happened in my life. I want to have a selective amnesia. I want to remove this portion of my life.
Chapter IV
We all have our ideal person to admire. Tall, dark and handsome is the most common ideal man while prince charming type is the perfect ideal man to us. We set standards to find the one for us. But these mind-set expectations sometimes brought only heartaches. Why? Because we are more often dreaming than living in reality. When we find our ideal man we assume that they will love us back and it hurts when they refuses.
Butterflies are in my stomach as our eyes crossed to one

another. I used to avoid him and for all I know hes also trying to avoid me. It continued until we celebrated the World Teachers Day. I had the time to talk to him. Why are you avoiding me? I asked him. No, Im not the one who is avoiding, its you. For all these time, I thought you are intimidated with me, because of that last promenade happened, I explained to him.
Its hard to forget what happened, but I understand on what you feel, like what Id said to you, I love you as my friend, he said while staring at my eyes. Just friends?!, I love you even before, and the you'll be saying that we must just friends??!," I complained. "But I had a girlfriend, I had Shane in my life," he explained to me. "Shane! Shane! Shane!, that blabber girl?! She's just a girl and I know you'll never be happy on my side because we'll never have child!", I uttered to him while crying. "Whaaaat? I heard all those things," Shane shouted. I didn't recognize her coming that's why we defied one another. "No...no...", my voice and arms trembled as I slowly lowered them to my sides like she wanted me to. She immediately saw her chance and struck out, her knuckles grinding into my skull. Like a snake, she quickly snatched my ear and pulled it. She's twisting it. I yell out in pain as she pulled it toward her and leaning in she said," youre lying! What friends? If you lie to me, you will know my hand!"
"I'm not! I'm telling you the truth! Why won't you believe me?!," I said. "Hold your tongue, you ape!" She had lowered her voice to a deadly and menacing voice tone. "I'm supposed to be the one asking the questions! Lately you've been very daring and bold, talking back to me and actually thinking that you're somebody. You're filthy, bad, rude and disgraceful! You are very lucky that no one else in this classroom right now. Otherwise I would make sure that they hear about all of this. Then you will realize how embarrassing you are. You should feel ashamed of yourself." She shoved me backward, finally letting go of my ear. It felt like it was about to fall. It was totally senseless and I could barely feel any pain now. My eyes were brimming with tears. She threatened to fall, but I opened my eyes wide to keep them back. But it was pointless. After shoving me back, she reached out and slapped my face again for the third time. It knocked the tears from my eyes. The fell to the floor and the rest began sliding down my chicks. Despite my predicament, I found it quite funny. I did my best to hold back my grin. She would roast me if she saw me laughing through assuming that I was challenging her. "Look at you. So weak and pathetic, standing there crying. Aren't you embarrassed? Because I am looking at
you like that!" She moved away from me. She snatched a box of tissues and flings it at me. I didn't do anything to catch it. I just let it bounce off of my shoulder and tumbled.
"Are you just going to stand there?! Pick it up and wipe those tears off of your face!" Kian ordered and I do so. I felt miserable and worthless. Twenty minutes ago, I felt I had flown over the moon. Now, I felt like I had been pulled back to Earth and everything that I thought had happened twenty minutes ago was shattered before me. She was right. I did feel embarrassed. I did feel ashamed. I felt like I had awaken from a pleasant dream, only to find myself in a scorched and burnt room composed of what was now brittle wood. As I wipe my tears and blow my nose, I did my best to calm down and control my breathing. With the other arm, I wrapped it around my stomach and hugged myself, trying to regain control and calm down to stop the vomit from reaching my throat. I defied Kian, "That? That girl? Is that girl would you love? She's even wilder than a tiger," I said to Kian while crying. Kian left that girl believing that I am the right person in his life. I felt blissful and my heart beat well.
That was the time when I started to long for and to change my antagonistic dogma in life. Kian do love me, promptly that's the only thing I knew. My mood brightened a little with that thought. Days had passed and sooner or later we will be graduating high school. I've been in a relationship with Kian. He served as my inspiration that's why I'm always giving my hardest kick in every class so as he. "Last one month and we will graduate in high school," Kian said blissfully. "Yeah, it seems like it was just yesterday when we meet and now, you're my boyfriend," I happily said while clasping with his hands. "We've been through a lot, I hope we last longer," I added. "Okay, that's enough! Let's just get into the cafeteria and later we will return home, Kian said while grabbing my hand heading to cafeteria. Without a word, everyone in the cafeteria eventually focus their eyes from each and took their seats in the place. That refreshing moment was dead silent. "Hahaha, let's talk about our od times, that time when we're still best buddy," Kian said.
"Hmmmmm... I'm shy. Can we talk it for the next time? I said and suddenly the bell rang for our next subject. Before I had left for home that day. I was at my locker following the end of last period, grabbing my bookings. When I turned back, I saw Kian taking a sip at the water fountain nearby. I remember what he had said in the cafeteria. Kian was really a nice boy, but he was not one in my world. We had the same classes, but we never really speak to each other with exception to a few "Hellos" once in a while it felt appropriate o whenever we made our eyes contact. It seemed like we are not lying on the same house. Everyone doesnt know about that. I noticed that he had been standing there for an awfully long time. I just told myself that I'm still lucky enough to have this man in my life. I knew he loves me too. I love his hair cut. It looked fresh and clean. He had a slender yet powerful frame even than before. His skin was of a smooth milk chocolate complexion. It's maybe because of his everyday practice of basketball. It was perfect. I did not understand how he didn't seem to have any blemishes. He was really ... I don't know. Handsome? Pretty? He was dating other girl. That fierce having fringy bangs with blabber mouth girl in our class before but for some reason, they stopped being together not for so long after I came in this school. They stopped hanging around with each other
and he has been on his own for a few months and now he's mine. I did my best to stay with him ever since that I first met him. He made my heart race ever since I came first here and it didn't take a long time for me to realize that I have developed a huge crush on him. I remembered one time. I noticed that he would glance at me very once in a while during class, always to catch me looking at him. I would hastily jerk my head away and pretend to be looking at someone elses, while cursing under my breath for always getting caught like that. I'm kinda naughty that time just to have his attention I did all of these things. The feelings that I struggled to contain grew to a point where it hurt to see him everywhere nearby to pretend that I'm a man. It was almost strong enough to make me approach him to actually start some sort of conversation. This time is really different when we we're still in the province there are not other human than me to us. He hung around with the other more social classmates. He was a bright student and always getting to the top. He also dominated the basketball court and whenever it came to sports and gym classes. He wasn't the best player but I love him and his number seven jersey. Fortunately, he became the team leader and played with his
best. He never left anybody out when there is a game and he tried to help everyone play well as a team. He was well liked and seemed to know everybody especially when we hang up with my gift guitar for him. For some reason, the same way would catch me giving him a dreamy gaze in class. I would sometimes catch him looking at me from the corner of my eye. Even though he seemed to always go from person to person, making conversation and all, he never really came up to me. And he was still standing by the water fountain drinking. He must have been really thirsty. I decided to lead over and take a sip for myself. "Hi Kian, it seemed that you're grasping your thirst," I uttered to him, while drinking water. "Yah, we had just finished our practice," Kian replied. "How is it going? Gonna do anything tonight? It's Friday," he gave a cooked grin but his eyes betrayed him. He seemed a little nervous. "I don't know yet. Maybe have a little snack and do some reading .Next week is our final exam, remember? I have a few chocolate bars at home, so I might treat myself to them. Would you like to join me?"
"Oh sure, no problem, It's been a long time that I haven't seen Tita Beth," I grinned. "Come on, walk beside me," he said with an encouraging smile. "Haha, okay, alright," His eyes followed me as I join his side and together we went home. Our final examination had passed and ended. And now we're getting to face our graduation day. "Guys, I cant believe that it's graduation already. I'm feeling so glad." I said as I am getting ready and putting graduation gown on and identical caps. "What is it Lhei?" Oh em geee. I loved the way he said my name. He made it sound special. He made me feel like a person like I was someone who was worth something. "What's that on your hand?" he said. "Hahahaha... a lipstick," I sarcastically laughed. Kian suddenly sat up straighter and took a deep breath. His eyes started to reflect something like horse and he fully turned himself to face me.
"Thank you Lhei for everything, I love you." Kian whispered. "What am I suppose to say?!" I was tongue-tied. "I love you too, Very slowly, I shakily nodded my head. My throat was dry and I tried to gulp to wet it. "Lhei...," Kian softly said. Kian glazed and locked on to mine with an intensity I had never seen nor felt ever before. And he said my name in that beautiful way again. We both graduated with flying colors. He got the medal for the athlete of the year and as the class valedictorian. I had also an award which is the class 5th honor. I never expect much that my highschool life will as fun as this. Everything was beyond everything, I could ever hope. I couldn't believe. This all so... real. I had never thought we gone so this far. He likes me and then for him to not only come out, but fell me that he liked me. Loved me. It was almost too much. I never deserved any of this. Im'm nothing but a worthless nobody. But if what was what he really felt for me, then I would have to make sure to tell him the truth about what I felt for him and comfort him. I didn't think my feelings for him were anywhere near what he felt for me because I never felt myself worthy to have these dreams and affections, always trying to dismiss
them as pathetic and wishful thinking. This was difficult for me to accept and cromprehend, that this handsome boy be mine. But now all I know is Kian do love me. He said it to me and I believe him. He had his word. That time of confessing that I love him. That time was not actually a normal scene into my life hence it was the happiest moment im my life. I never thought that we will met. I never thought that he will be my friend and most of all I never thought that he will be my boyfriend. This kind of creature, this kind of existence I never thought I can be. From now on, I'm believing in fairytale. I thought this kind of story will exist only in fairytale but now I'm not reading this but it is the story of my life that I'm wishing not to end anymore. Kian was a very person to me. He makes me feel whole. He is the first person who has really shown me that he love me when I though I was unlovable. At this instance, I'm not sure if I can be that person for him. I'm nothing especial and I don't even know why he feels this way about me. He deserve someone better, even though I don't think I can be that person but I can admit to myself that I'm selfish. I feel so pathetic and sorry for him. I love him. I just don't think I know how to love when I myself ain't unlavable. If he will leave me I don't think I would be able to go on living.
"Lhei, we have to go somewhere. Hurry up and get over here," Kian grasped my hand. I looked at him. He stood and helped me up. I don't know what happened next because again that time I was drunken. I din't understand what all of that meant at the time. But what I came to know was that boys were only supposed to like girls and if a boy like another boy, he was going to have a hard life. How I wish in our case it will never be. I will prove to him that he made a right choice that I'm a worth loving person than any other girl in the world who I will never be. I love Kian more than anything else. That is why I didn't say anything else. We had been together for a year now. The best year of my life ever. That's not something you throw away that easily. Especially when it's him... and it's me. Because I knew I didn't deserve him. He loved me, I love him, but that really doesn't erase the fact that guys like him weren't supposed to be with guys/gays like me. There were times when I would daydream that there was no one else in the world, but me and him. He'd just loved me and I'd loved him and it had be alright. But yeah...
From the corner of my eye, I saw him approaching me. I reached down into the sea and splashed my face with water to wash away the tear trains. I sat down on the near water. Kian will leave me at the end. We know nothing about this kind of stuff. We're young and youthful in mind. I knew it would be someday. But I'm not old enough to know how the world works for people like me. I knew it even befor I said yes to him. I had suffered through disappointments after disappointments in my younger years that by the time I reached twenty I had never dared to dream further that what tomorrow could bring me. The world didn't owe me anything and I didn't expect anything I took what it gave me againstly and made the most of it. It still hurts eventhough for now, what I only Know is that Kian loves me. I realized I was face with choices. A choice between to continue what we've started or to end this fancy dream. I can end it now and walk away.
CHAPTER V
To love is thicker than to sacrifice or to sacrifice is thicker thant to love? That love that only to him you felt which gave you the loveliest meaning of happiness or to sacrifice that you should give to him even you're hurt and despite of it you continud giving pain to yourself because of that memories of yerterday that you're fighting for which you should end? Would you chooce to love?
t is summer again, I decided to return home
in our province. I'll be spending my vacation in province without Kian. I decided not to tell him that I'm going home alome. I'm not assuming that maybe somehow he'll be here too. I spent the next few weeks after that hoping against hope that it was a one-time thing. I'm also a guy and I know things can get out of hand really quickly when two guys are horny like that. Wishful thinking, I know after the initial quiet , it become clear to me that it was something boon. One day, I decided to go to the place where I used to be. The place where I grew and lived with antagonistic dogma releiver.
I was surprised when I get there. There was already a built tree house. I felt happy. Sitting by myself, my feet stuck in the cool water of the little stream. I tried for several time to reason out why I had to have these problem: when suddenly my phone rang... my mom calling. "Lhei, how are you doing son?" "I'm okay mom, how are you both there? When are you going to come back home? I'm badly missing you both." "One question at a time dear son. I'll be coming home next week. I've heard that you did a great job at your school and I'm very sorry my son for not attending at your graduation day." "I understand ma. I'm so excited to see you again. It's been years since the last I saw you." "I miss you to son. I love you." "I love you too ma..." "Okay, I have to cancel this call, I need to go to work." "Okay ma, God bless."
It's not easy being fifteen. Aside from suffering about zits and managing your body changes; it's really hard to live without your parents, the time when I needed them most. Well, It's just okay more importand is I survived and they will be home next week and I feel so happy for that. After a week, my mother and father had home and finally arrive at my essence. I've hugged and kissed them tightly so as them. I really missed them both. "Son, you've grown up so much. I never expected that the child we left would be a handsome young man today", my mother teasingly uttlered while pouring hugs and kisses. My father came. I hugged him and he hugged me too. "You're a young man now. I think lots of of girls fall in love you, isn't it?," and laughed. We had so much time for ourselves. Literally, its been years of not seeing each other. My mother told me that they are planning to have party next week and she told me to invite my classmates and friends.
I hurriedly dialed Kian's number and talked to him. He did not refuse to attend the party so it means he will go here again. Excitement ran into my circulation because the love of my life will be here and we will be together again. Days and nights passed and the day that we'll be together became nearer and nearer. I really can't wait for that day. After a week, the day had come. Eventhough it's meter away I'm sure that the person coming is Kian. No doubt, he is. I ran to him and he smiled. I clutched into his arms but he then my hand clinched on him. I understand why he untied our hands. I almost forgot that my parents don't know about us. I just collared my hands into his neck and acted like were dudes. That is really embarassing on my part. I want to hug him as if there's no tomorrow. It's very tongue-in-check seeing as acting like dudes but deep inside we're lovers. I accompanied Kian inside our house. I can see in his face the feeling of anxiety. "Relax," I uttered to him while showing teeth.
He just showed his white teeth in return. That time, I can feel that he's not comfortable. "Where are our other classmates?" "They will be here in an hour, I already texted them. Anna and Justine will not come here for they have their schedule now to leave the country. They will visit Malaysia for their vacation." "Oh! That's great. I dreamed also to visit Malaysia." "Hahaha, I'll bring you there somehow." "Weh?!," Kian's forehead wrinkled. "Yah, when I had already an stable job and highsalary paid job." "Okay." My mother went to our place and they asked who I'm with. "Ah, Mom, this is Kian, the boy that I'd met last vacation. Son of Mrs. Quinton." "What a small world, she's my college friemd at Adamson University. But after we had graduated I don't have any news about her. I was dumbfounded when Lhei
told me that he'll be staying at your house and he told me that he's with the son of Beatriz Quinton, and now you're here." By the way nice meeting you, I had said many things and maybe it's enough. "Nice meeting you too." "Dear, I just wanted to remind you to fell like in your home, you're always welcome hear." "Okay, thank you." "See, that's my mother. She's kind, isn't she?" "Yah, I did not expect the warm welcome of your mother." "Expect the unexpected," and I smiled. Time runs fast, we didn't recognize that our classmates were already outside. I and Kian went outside to welcome them. They were thirteen and I don't know if my room can hold them all. I asked my mother to let us use the other house which is located next door. Thanks God and she let us to use the other house. I let them rest. The party will be tomorrow. I am looking forward for a great day with them most especially with Kian.
All were set. The night came and the party also started. Many of my neighbors and cousins attended the party. I had so much fun with them. My classmates asked me to drink liquor. I have a second thought that maybe my parents won't allow us. But I tried to ask permission with my parents just to grant the fervor of my classmates. "Ma, can we drink liquor just a bottle of champagne will do." "Okay, my dear, you do what you want but just be reminded not to drink too much to prevent problems. The parents of your classmates don't know that they will be drinking liquor just partying." "Thank you Mom, you're the best." My classmates rejoiced and full happy that my parents allowed us to do so. We started the session. We've formed a circle with a table at the center. The glass rolled to everyone. Kian is sitting next to me. I always reminds him not to drink too much. But, I forgot that I'm also joining the group and I forgot that I'm also drinking with them.
Without noticing, we almost consumed six bottles of champaign. Everyone of us is feeling like throwing. This feeling of nausea really sucks on my part. But my classmates feel the same way. I did not withold the feeling. I threw up and disgorged. Kian ran after me and laid his hands at my back. He gave me water so that I could gurgle. "Thank you," and I hugged him. He hugged me too. We kissed. Suddenly we heard a fallen glass. My mother saw us. My mother ran and I also ran after her. I asked my father, where my mother go. He said that she's in the room. I tried the doorknob, gently at first and then rattling it hard when I found that it was locked. No way. My mother had locked herself in her room. I need to explain. I leaned my forehead against the wall, my arms clutched around myself. I felt emotional, not because I'm still under the wonder of effect of liquor but because the hugs I had wanted from my parents were no a distant dream shattered by their pinched faces and harsh words. They will surely be angry if they will know about us.
I chocked on hysterical laughter tangled with wet so realizing that only yesterday I had truly believed my parents loved me... loved me without reservation; would love me no matter what I said. Oh sure, they loved the boy I pretended to be; the good boy, the cause no trouble boy, the normal boy that they think for so many years. But I cannot blame myself for they we're not on my side for so many years. In my warm false cocoon of this love, I had believed that they had loved the hidden boy, the boy who cried at night for just a touch, just a smile, just a recognition and just acceptance. I was born fifteen years ago. I've kept my secret for so long that it just seems part of me. I need to tell someone. It wasn't that I had anyone I wanted to be with, it was just that the feelings inside me had grown and grown and I had to scheme them. I had to say the words out loud to someone who loved me. I had hoped, and so I had faced my fears and interrupted the party with six simple words. Words I hoped would make them hear me. This feeling inside that I kept for so many years. My mother surely heard my sobs, that's why she opened the door and comfort me. I looked into her eyes and the tears continued to fall. I saw the tears brimming on the
eyes of my mother. I can't looked her eye to eye. I bowed my head while crying. My mother whispered and said that "It's okay son." She smiled. My father had come to us. They always supported me for so many years even they are not around. But, this would be the last smile from my father and mother. I took a deep gulp of breath, gripped the edges of my head and let my heart open up for the very first time. "I'm.....I think I'm....," my eyes darted from her face to his face and before he even said the words, I knew. "I'M GAY!" i Wanted to look away anywhere but into her eyes, into his face, but I held unto the table and watched, feeling as if I was going to throw up again. My father's forehead wrinkled and his eyes narrowed. My mother's hand flew to her mouth as if she was holding back a cry. I heard a strange sound but wasn't sure who made it. Maybe it was me. "That's not at all funny, Lhei," my father said seriously. "Why are you saying that?" my mother whispered through her fingers.
I knew in that instant that I should have stayed silent. I wanted to take it back, make it go away. It just hung out there in the air over the ambiance. I saw in their eyes that the help I needed, the help I had believed I would find just was not there. It would have been there for school or for scouts or for anything else in my life, but not for this. My father stood nearer and nearer to me. "You mean that you need our help to fight this... this feeling you're having." Through hand. I could backtrack and say "Yes! I could let it all become a plea for them to help me get rid of this feeling. I wanted to just go back to five minutes ago when my life was safe. My world secure. But had it ever really been? "No," I said slowly, my eyes never leaving my father's. I mean I ned you to help me, understand me, help me to me... love me! I watched my father's nostrils flare. I heard my mother's soft sniffles. "Help you be you? You are my son. There is no place in your life for what you're asking. We have raised you to be clean and decent; puro of heart and soul. The church has taught you the ways of righteousness. Why are you saying this?"
All of my arguments dissolved. I didn't know why I was saying it. Not anymore. "Have you had...relations?" My mother chocked out. I laid my forehead on the brightly colored wall and knew I should have just kept my mouth shut. Maybe, when I opened my eyes, it would all be forgotten. I would just laugh a shaky little laugh as if it had been a big joke. But, insted, the next hours had been spent in the living room; with my classmates and without Kian. They we're all poker face. No one dared to say something. "Go to your room, Lhei," my father said curtly in a voice I'd never heard before. "We will deal with this in the morning." As I walked slowly toward the stairs, wanting to run to my mother needing a hug from her arms. I saw her standing in the kitchen door framed by the light, her arms foldered tightly across her chest. From that, I knew, I had lost my family. As I climbed the stairs, my father's voice called out. "Do not turn on you cellphone. You must ask God for guidance and forgiveness."
For the last time, I texted my classmates and asked forgiveness for the thing happened also to Kian. I stoot at the window, watching the lights in the other houses, imagining all the happy families, normal people doing normal every night things. I watched the lights of a faraway plane. I wonder if anyone on that plane was like me. If they had a place to go, a family that loved them unconditionally. I face on a mirror and saw my reflection. It was the boy who felt like I did, who wanted I wanted, the boy who would love me and make everything better. I had to believe in this boy. If I didn't believe , there was nowhere also to turn. "Please be out there," I whispered. "Please come for me. Please... I felt the first of my tears to begin to fall down on my cheeks as I listened to the harsh raised voices of my mother and my father as they decided what was right for me. Now, in the cold morning light, standing at my locked door, I felt my heart grow cold. I started to turn on my phone and try to find someone to talk to, but I knew it wouldn't help. Those people had own lives, their own
troubles. This way my real life and it was my fading to pallid gray. The doorknob twisted and my father opened the door to find me standing in the middle of the floor. He looked at me with confusion on my face. "Your mother and I have discussed this problem. If you will fight the feeling inside. Swear that you will work to overcome it." Part of me wanted to agree but I knew I couldn't. I knew if I will say Yes to him it seemed to be saying "No" to Kian. I'm not certain what would happen on the latter days, but I'm sure that my trust in my mother and father was gone. I knew that I had failed them in being a perfect boy according to their will. My mother started to come into the room, her eyes seemed suffered from a long night of crying but my father just looked towards outside. I ignored them. I looked out my window, remembering the night when I had stood right here. I was different now. Not different the way they wanted or expected or hoped. I just knew now that I could only trust myself, only myself. There was on one else. I knew I walked a five line now. I had to believe that out there somewhere, my any was waiting. Until then,
I would be silent. My silence would hold the tears, all the discontented. I know that God would love of on matter what I did. May days and months had passed. Life must in on, I need to continue my life. I had to in back to school and continue my college into college. I had been gone with on communication with Kian for so long. What would he say? What would I tell to my friends? I had to just lie and say I had been at my uncle's farm. I looked at myself in the mirror. I was so confused. I hope I did the right thing. I couldn't keep it all inside me any longer. I felt something break inside me. My Mom and Dad have been acting like nothing ever happened. They decided not to return states for a year. As far as they're concerned, I gues I'm okay. I know that my life will settle back to normal. God only knows what is going on inside my parents' heads. When my mother looks at me, it's with this frightened glance, but she kept eye contact with me for a couple of seconds. And my Dad, he doesn't look at me at all. I know that if I went to them and promised that I wasn't gay anymore, that I would be their son again they would open their arms. It might take my dad longer than my mom, but they want it so much. They could pretend like nothing
had happened with regards to my identity. I mean they can forget anything I confess because they love of maybe. I had always wanted brothers and sisters and now I an going to have months from now. My mother is pregnant to a two-month old bay inside. Maybe a year later, the spotlight would in off for of. How I wish I could have a brother who will be a drug addict or anything just to let of hide. For now, I an the only child they are watching every move I take and every note I made. I could not have sooneme to pass the call with. Everything seemed to be my fault. For now, I an worrying what life lies to of in college. I don't know where my classmate gonna enroll. And I wonder if all my friends will still welcome me back. Maybe, I wasn't the same boy I had been when I left. I found that no one really cared. I decided to take a course related to fashion designing and Kian to take Architecture. The classes started and everyone in the corridor seemed so happy. It is my first time in college. The students like me busily rushed through the corridors as the bell begin to ring. I went to classroom 107 at the second floor of the main building of the unites it seems like a vantagermint for the students. They were chit chatting with their friends,
but me? Just having a train of thoughts wishihog that he ever Kian is here I will not be felling so boring. I entered the classroom. I was surprised that Kian had one class with of. I sat next to him but before the class had statsted Gig Decided to sit at the back so that I could watch over him. He had come to school with all his swagger hair and wearing a long sleeves solo shirt and plain jeans. He had always had the latest outfit. He sat comfortably and sometimes yawning. Now, he sat up straight and glanced at the block from time to time. I wonder what he was waiting for. I can side how he is unease with his attitudes. I do not know why he is feeling like that, maybe because our class is that too boring, psychology class. "Can I have your attention please?," Mr. Piol shouted. The teacher's voice caught my attention back into the flow of the class discussion. I looked up to the front of the class. I focused on the things that our teacher is taking about. "I just want to have an insight with this, Would you hold on to a value or a belief when everyone around you says it is false and different?", he asked.
I raised my hand and said, " I think you have to be true to yourself. You must do what your desire wants because I believe Sir that it is worth to do what yous heart beats in. You will not make any regrets once you have done your passion." "But," the teacher started to add a follow up question," What if your belief hurts your family, makes you different from the usual man, or probably become an outcast?" "Excuse me sir, are we talking in general or my personal views? i asked, feelin this question is somewhat I could relate with. "Personal," he said. I looked at Kian, I say him staring directly into my eyes as he waiting for my answer. At this juncture, I need to be true to myself to satisfy Mr. Piol I know he needs an honest answer so I will give him an honest confession. "For some reason, I think, if you really know something is right, it does not matter what everyone else thinks. The important matter here is you have to be true to yourself. You may be alone in what you believe, but to do anything else against your nature is wrong." Eyes of my classmates were on my side. I felt so embarassed so I slid down in my chain and slightly bowed
my head thinking about what I'd said. I didn't really know If I could do that I mean, stand by my beliefs and be different as what pertains in the last sentences I've said. I hop I could and I know one day soon, I have to test my words. The bell ran and everyone packed their bags and begun to leave the room. The four sides of the classroom filled with silence. I was supposed to gather all the pieces of paper under my table and fix my books when suddenly I heard a soft voice behind me. I'm sure that he's Kian at my back. "Lhei, did you really mean what you said?" I just walked away and before I totally get a few feet away from him, he callee, "Hey, wait Lhei," I caught up with him and we walked through the hall neither of us speaking. I got to my Math class and touched his arms hesitantly, stopping him. "Kian, you wanna talk.?" He looked around to see who we are with. No one seemed to be paying us any attention and his eyes came to me.
"I just liked what you had said a while ago in Psychology class, you know, about standing up for yourself and even if you're all alone. You're right that it is wrong to hide. The halls were full of students to and from classes. Some are laughing, holding hands, bullying and some are hiding their fears. Life in the corridors' of this University is like a tiny planet within a planet; a place within a place and world within a world. We stood in the middle of the hall, students murmuring around us on etither sides had caught us our attention. I grinned. Kian laughed and the smile that had been missing for a for a few months popped on to his face. I looked younger and vulnerable when she smiled. We continued chit chatting since it is lunch break. We decided to eat together at the cafeteria. "Kian, I did something stupid I thought my plsents would love of onnatues what I told them as long as I hadn't hurt anyone." "You told them something they didn't like?"
"Yeah, I told them something, a secret, and they tried to make it in away." "Did it?" Kian asked me seriously. I told them something and asked them to help of, but instead they stopped loving me. They tried to fix me. Please do not tell it to anyone." "I won't tell to anyone. I promise. Wove did not deserve that. He sighed. "Thank you Kian for listening and I guess for..." "Being a friend." For the first time in my life, I felt like I had someone to count on. It is funny, but telling Kian have of a courage. For a few seconds, something flickered through his eyes and I had a omen where I thougt... but, that would be too much to ask for. It was so hard not letting my anger just fly out, but I could not in back to the place; my good. I don't have any choice in whether I should return home or not. My mother was beginning to make peace with of and I hoped we could get back to somewhere like it had been before, but my dad... He will never change.
What I said in class that day about intolerance; that was my dad. He believed his way and there was on other way. How do you deal with someone like that? I had live all my life without him. Today, I had just tried to ignore it. Now, I couldn't ignore it anymore. I thought about how I wanted to stand up to him; tell him off. Shout in his face that I was as good as he was better because I didn't hate things I didn't understand. I should go somewhere happy, somewhere that people would case about of and not mind that I was different from them. I should find someone sweet who had love of and cherish me. Someday, I'll find the sun over the rain. But for now, I have to be quiet. I understand that and I should be patient enough to tolerate things. I have to dream my dreams and wait. I have my boyfriend Kian and he does not case that I'm gay. I wish it will last until the end. I decided to live in the school's dormitory with Kian. It is much easier to live now. I get up in the morning knowing I have someone to talk to, who will listen and not judge me. Kian really wants to the university and study to be an architect as what he's always telling to me. I know for a fact that he will be the best architect in the world.
Kian gave me the courage to go home to live with my family. I went in our home. I opened the front door and heard voices in the kitchen. I smiled and gave a fake grin so as Kian. "Mom, Dad, this is Kian, my boyfriend." My mon looked frightened for a second but then her good manner ruled her body. "Hello Kian." she looked toward my father and let him to say something. "Quinton," my father said while staring at Kian." are you aware of the situation with Lhei?" I saw strong emotion with Kian. He answered politely, "Yes sir, Lhei had told me about his situation. It doesn't matter to me. He's my friend and I'm helping him. "Are you like Lhei?" I found that question offensive to Kian's part. I am not sure how Kian will answer that. "No! But we're same teens and going to the same University. I better grabbed Kian's hands and went to the sofa. We watched news and when my on came in to say dinner was ready, Kian excused himself to go home.
"He seems like a smart young man," my mother said to me. "Yes, he is. Kian listens to me and helps me," I said to her. "Well, as long as you keep away from any trouble at your school, I suppose you may have Kian for you." I wanted to throw my water over my dad's face and I wanted to say every curse word I knew. But I controlled myself, I still have years until I became late. I did get up from them and in to my room. I didn't say anything because I so desperately wante to keep Kian as my friend perhaps my boyfriend.
Chapter VII
" LOVE is the most powerful thing in this world; mightier than an earthmover; fiercer than a brutal and louder than a crashing sound. It is a sign of endlessness that connects two bodies as one. It is present to every individual for them to spread love and perceive things in a benevolent way. But sometimes, love is like a drinking beer, once you have too much of it, you gonna act like stupid. It is so mysterious but everybody still takes the risk."
t's been months since I and Kian entered
the university. And now its also the mid of the second semester and the yultide season. I wanted to give Kian something especial for christmas, but I had on idea what to get. I did not think his parents would like it he I have him anything reproa and I knew he did not have a guitar or anything that he could use in singing. We had talked a lot about college. I knew Kian wanted to get away from poverty so bad. He also tried to
make me realize that things would be better when I am out and away from my parent's watching eyes. Christmas had always been a great day for every families all over the world especially Filipinos. But it is very differend in my case. It's been a decade and half of celebrating christmas alone. But now it will be so diffedrent. I an with my family but it seems be better he they just in states and sending gifts for me. Somehow, I an thankful for having my family in this coming christmas. I should always be there for them with all my love and help them in any way they needed. It was not the expensive thing that matter' it was the love in the home. I went to Kian's house. He opened the door and his eyes were sparkling. He accompanied me into their living room. I could hear the sound of voices coming from the dining room. It was his family. I envied Kian for having such a wonderful and awesome family. "Merry Christmas!," I greeted his mother and also to his family. We laughed and it was good to see Kian try to laugh about all the crap he couldn't change. It was easier to laugh than to cry.
"I have something for you," I held out simple gift I had bought for him at the mall. He opened the gift. I watched Kian's eyes filled with tears as he knew what's inside. "Thank ynu Lhei..." I wanted to touch his face, wipe away those tears with my fingers, but I knew I couldn't. He jumped up and grabbed a big package from behind their christmas tree. "I got you something too," he grinned.
This is too much, Kian," I choked. I had wanted this hat for a long time. I looked at him as I bit my lip to keep the love from shining. I should not kiss him, his family is watching over us. "I don't know what to say." Kian smiled. "Just say thank you." I never had a hat this nice. I swallowed my pride that wanted to say I couldn't accept it because the look in Kian's eyes made me know I needed to keep it for him as much as for me.
"I'll treasure it," I told him, keeping my eyes down and away from his. It took all I had not to pull him close and show him how much this mean to me. Suddenly, silence swallowe the room and it was awkward. There were words crashing into the walls and not a sound was being mad. I had a promise to him not to be so obvious with our relationship. Voices from the othe room came closer and Kian's parents and their friends walked in. The moment was good as we bought fought for control. We both enjoyed the gifts we received. We also enjoyed the coldness of Christmas season.
Chapter VIII
"Do not be afraid to be who you are. Even if may be tough your better off then hiding it. You are just be hurt more. Be yourself.
The classes again started. We found a new

freedom we had never felt before. We could stay up as late as we wanted, eat what we wanted and talk all night long he we wanted. It was great that we, who had been throug so much together, suddenly became six around each other. It was as if a curtain had been raised and the first act was ready to begin. I do not want Kian think that I'm staring at him when he changes his clothes so I just sit at the computer and try not to look at him. Kian like me is not staring when I'm fresh at the back. He is just reading books. It is now February, and in this month Kian will be celebrating his birthday. I could not decide what to do.
Should I take Kian out somewhere for dinner? Should I order food? But, I must buy gift for him. I am afraid that Kian would hate me. I am so frustrated, I wanted to scream. All I wanted is Kian. I could see ate guys but I just came back to Kian and he was not gay. I hugged him with a big "HAPPY BIRTHDAY," grin and said.. "Well, you made it. You're now 18 and free to do whatever you wanted. Let's go out tonight and celebrate. Don't you worry, my treat." We walked out into the Manila Bay and I took a deep breath. We could feel the touch of the cold breeze. We laughed and joke all the time. We kept walking till Kian found a quiet bench and sat down. We sat together and we both found love.
------------end-----------
About The AUTHOR

L.J Gutierrez is a student journalist, son and a common citizen at Vilapagasa, Bansud, Oriental Mindoro. Since early childhood, he dreamt of being o journalist; a writer who would love by the readers. He is recently studying at Mindoro State College of Agriculture and Technology Bongabong Campus. A Teacher Education student on his third year. He began writing since he was elementary and high school in their school publication. Recently the Managing Editor at the Sea Hunter Publication the official student publication of MinSCAT Bongabong Campus. lheijarranillagutierreZ

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