10 Tips to Advise Wisely: How to Give Advice That Actually Helps By Maelina Frattaroli I you propose to spea!

" always as! yoursel " is it true" is it necessary" is it !ind# $Buddha %othin& appears to 'e &oin& ri&ht( The worst part) %o one &ets it" even thou&h they *i&ht clai* to( +ven thou&h you !now this is all te*porary,it always is,you eel the need to as! other people what you should do( I they say what you want to hear" you-re relieved( But it doesn-t usually wor! that way( In act" o tenti*es you-re *ore rustrated than you were 'e ore once they put their two cents in( We-ve all 'een there 'e ore( Thin! 'ac! real hard.what in particular helped or ir!ed you a'out advice people &ave you) /id they say you should have done so*ethin& di erently 0which wasn-t very use ul a ter the act1) /id they tell you to stop eelin& sorry or yoursel 'ecause other people have 'i&&er pro'le*s) /id they o er so*e platitudes or cliche advice that sounded i*possi'le to ollow) When riends have pro'le*s that see* incura'le and never2endin&" you can sense that hopelessness( And you want to i3 it" which always see*s so si*ple when you-re sittin& on the outside( 4 tenti*es" you-re not sure what to say 'ecause you don-t eel 5uali ied to &ive advice 'ut you eel co*pelled to say so*ethin&( But it always loo!s di erent when you-re inside the *ess than it is when you-re standin& on the sidelines( And even i other people have *uch lar&er pro'le*s" we still dwell on our own 'ecause what *atters" in that *o*ent" is how we eel( 6o*eti*es" you 7ust have to accept the act that you can-t" at least not instantly" help so*eone when they-re in a ra&ile state( That-s 48( Most o the ti*e when so*eone co*es to you" they-re not e3pectin& you to have all the answers or even tal!( They 7ust want so*eone to lend an ear and 'e 'y their side throu&h a di icult ti*e( 9eali:in& this is !ey to deliverin& &ood advice( It isn-t always co*posed o words and answers( Here-s how you can 'e help ul to a person in their dar!est o ti*es: ;( Give the* a rant window( 4 tenti*es when people as! or advice" what they really want is to rehash so*ethin& they can-t &et o their *ind,so*ethin& they-ve pro'a'ly tal!ed a'out repeatedly to lots o di erent people 0*ay'e even anyone who-d listen1( The 'est way to 'e a riend is to ena'le 'oth what they want to do and what they need to do( Want: tell the story repeatedly" as i they can chan&e how they eel i they 7ust tal! a'out it enou&h( %eed: wor! throu&h it and let it &o( Tell the* you-re there to listen to everythin& they need to say( 4nce they-ve &otten all out" you-d love to help the* *ove on(

<( Be honest( I you don-t !now how so*eone eels" you can-t truth ully say" I !now how you eel(# That-s 48( =ou can li!ely still e*pathi:e on so*e level( >et the* !now" &ently" that you haven-t 'een there 'e ore" 'ut you-ll try to put yoursel in their shoes to help as 'est you can( Also" don-t 'e a raid to let the* !now you don-t have anythin& to say( =ou can still 'e an ear" ta!e so*e ti*e to thin! a'out it" and then share your thou&hts later( ?( Avoid 7ud&in&( When so*eone co*es to you or help" odds are they already eel pretty vulnera'le( They-re trustin& you to hear the* out without 'ein& 7ud&*ental or condescendin&( 9ather than 'e&innin& your advice with" =ou should have"# or Why didn-t you@)# reali:e what-s done is done" and ocus on what they can do or chan&e ri&ht now( Try so*ethin& li!e" It *i&ht help to consider@(# Then" o er your support alon& the path( A( Ma!e it a colla'oration( It can eel &rati yin& to i&ure out what see*s li!e the answer" and then deliver it in a ser*on( It-s li!e 'ein& a &ood advice detective when you i&ure out e3actly what so*eone should or can do,and you eel even 'etter when you can put it all into words elo5uently( But this can also co*e o as superiority" which pro'a'ly isn-t your intention( Try" I don-t have all the answers" 'ut I-d love to help you i&ure out what-s ri&ht or you(# Whenever you-ve tal!ed or a ew *inutes" 'rin& it 'ac! to the*( What are your thou&hts a'out that)# B( 4 er lon&2ter* support( =our sister doesn-t want 7ust a list o ways to 'rea! up with her 'oy riendC she wants help indin& the coura&e to do it and &et throu&h it( =our riend doesn-t 7ust want tips to switch careersC she wants support in *a!in& a scary 'ut positive chan&e( It doesn-t *atter so *uch that you have all the answers( More o ten that not" people !now what-s ri&ht or the*C they 7ust want to eel validated and supported( D( /on-t *a!e pro*ises( +ven i you-ve 'een there 'e ore" you can-t &uarantee any speci ic outco*e( =our riend could approach her 'oss e3actly li!e you did or a raise" and end up 'ein& de*oted,at which point she *i&ht 'la*e you( 8eep e3pectations realistic 'y ocusin& on possi'ilities within the real* o uncertainty( I you tell your sister to ta!e a ris!" *a!e sure she !nows it is a ris!( Help her wei&h the possi'le outco*es" 'oth positive and ne&ative so she can decide i it-s worth the potential reward( E( 9eco**end a read(

When you *a!e the proactive decision to ind answers or yoursel " you eel 'oth e*powered and con ident in your a'ility to *a!e the ri&ht decision( =ou can help your riend eel that way 'y pointin& hi* in the direction o a ew 'oo!s that will help hi* help hi*sel ( He-ll eel *uch 'etter hi*sel a ter &ainin& a new insi&ht throu&h readin& than he will a ter sittin& throu&h a lecture( 6tart 'y sayin&" I ca*e across so*ethin& that *i&ht help put thin&s in perspective@# F( 6ay it ro* the heart( Another option is to 'e there with !indness instead o words( This is a &ood approach i you-ve already o ered advice on the pro'le*" and reali:e not *uch you say will help( >eave a hand2written thin!in& o you# card in that person-s *ail'o3 or *ail the* a pac!a&e with so*e sweet treats and li&ht reads( 6o*eti*es people 7ust need to re*e*'er their pro'le* isn-t the end o the world" and there are lots o other &ood thin&s in their li e( 10( Ma!e plans( =ou-re not the &o2to &uru or all answers,and you don-t have to 'e,'ut you have the power to *a!e other thin&s happen( Glan a un wee!end &etaway or day trip 0 or the 'ud&et2conscious1 with your riend( 6et the date in stone and *a!e an un or&etta'le *e*ory( Geople o ten ind answers or the*selves when they &et away" let the*selves rela3" and clear their head or a while( , =ou don-t always have to have the ri&ht words( Actions spea! louder" anyway( But i you do have so*ethin& to say" !now how you say it can *a!e a world o di erence(

How many times have you offered advice only to watch that person make the opposite choice? The way we usually give advice -- by imposing our own opinion -- is often ineffective, and even harmful. "Advice is not interpreted in a vacuum," says eeshad !alal, a psychologist at "eorge #ason $niversity in %airfa&, 'a., who studies effective decisions and advice. " ather, advice comes freighted with implications regarding power and autonomy." (nowing how to give helpful advice, especially when you)re the boss, can improve your working relationships and lead to better business decisions. Try these four tips to become an e&pert advisor that others respect and trust*

1. Only give advice when asked. #ost of us give advice automatically when someone shares a problem, but our good intentions can backfire. "!ecision-makers perceive unsolicited advice as intrusive and as implied criticism," !alal says. "+t)s a threat to their autonomy." $nsolicited advice sends a message that you)re ,umping in because they can)t handle the problem. +t leaves them feeling less competent and capable, undermining their ability to handle the situation themselves. To ensure that your advice is more helpful than harmful, only share it if you)re e&plicitly asked. -therwise, ,ust listen and empathi.e. 2. Offer information about the options. /hen giving advice, people with more e&perience often make the mistake of assuming that they know best. "/hile you may have greater e&pertise on the topic as a whole, the decision-maker may have greater e&pertise about the specific decision to be made," !alal says. To offer e&pertise in a way that)s truly helpful, use it to inform the person about the decision at hand. Tell them what you know about their options, possibly offering a recommendation, then let them use that information to make a sound decision. Related: How to Improve our !ritical "hinking #kills and $ake %etter %usiness &ecisions '. Help think through the problem. Traditional advice 0of the you-should-do-this variety1 might persuade someone to agree with you, but it does very little to help them learn and grow. "2ometimes, having a )good impact) involves deliberately opting not to persuade," !alal says. +nstead of imposing your opinion, guide them through the process you might use to reach a conclusion. Ask the 3uestions you would ask yourself, and give them an opportunity to talk through the options with you. That approach will help build problem-solving skills that translate to future dilemmas. (. )*press confidence in their +udgment. /hen someone is facing a dilemma, they need self-confidence to trust their intuition and make an informed choice. "+t helps to offer emotional support in addition to advice," !alal says. "4eople appreciate both." +f someone comes to you for advice, let them know that you5re here to help but you trust them to make an intelligent decision. 6our confidence may be all the advice they need.

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>isten to the person as!in& you or advice( +very situation is uni5ue" so never assu*e you !now all you need to !now a'out a pro'le*( >isten care ully to the person who wants advice" and learn as *uch as possi'le a'out this situation( I you need clari ication" as! 5uestions( Bein& an active listener will not only help you &ive &ood advice" it will also increase the chances that the person will ta!e your advice(

;Gut yoursel in the adviseeHs shoes( Try to i*a&ine yoursel in the other personHs situation( I youHve 'een in a si*ilar situation" thin! a'out what you learned" 'ut donHt rely solely on your e3periences to &ive advice22i*a&ine that you are &ivin& yoursel advice or the uni5ue circu*stances that the other person is acin&(

<Thin! a'out the conse5uences o ta!in& your advice( While youHre at it" thin! a'out the conse5uences o not ta!in& your advice( I thereHs no si&ni icant di erence 'etween the results o those two scenarios" your advice *i&ht not 'e 'ad" 'ut itHs not use ul either( /itto i the action you advise is i*possi'le( I you can envision the path you su&&est leadin& to a worse result than an alternative path would" your advice pro'a'ly is 'ad( Ta!e your ti*e( When possi'le" thin! lon& and hard a'out all the possi'le courses o action and consider the pros and cons 0or the 'ene its and costs1 o each( This is especially i*portant or *ore co*ple3 pro'le*s( Thin! a'out 'oth the short ter* and lon& ter* conse5uences o your advice( Iery i*portant decisions are usually very i*portant 'ecause o their lon& ter* e ects( Thin! as ar down the road as possi'le( ?+*pathi:e( Many *atters re5uire sensitivity and thou&ht ulness( I you really try to put yoursel in the other personHs shoes 0as su&&ested a'ove1" e*pathy will pro'a'ly develop naturally( +ven so" 'e very care ul a'out how you word your advice and 'e sensitive to the other personHs eelin&s and e*otional state( Givin& advice is *ore than a lo&ical e3ercise( It usually involves helpin& a person sort throu&h con lictin& e*otions as *uch as con lictin& choices( I*a&e:Give Geople Advice 6tep( ?(7p& ABrainstor* with the person( 6o*eti*es there is no clearcut ri&ht answer to a pro'le*( In this case" try to help the person *ull over all the alternatives so that he or she can reach a conclusion to&ether with you or on their own( +ven or very si*ple 5uestions" it can 'e 'ene icial to help the person develop his or her own advice" i only or the reason that he or she is *ore li!ely to ta!e it( BBe honest( I your advised course o action has potential draw'ac!s" tell the person a'out the*( I you donHt really eel 5uali ied or !nowled&ea'le enou&h a'out so*ethin& to &ive advice on it" 'e honest a'out this act( =our &oal should not 'e to 'lindly lead the person" 'ut rather to help hi* or her *a!e a &ood decision" so donHt act li!e a sales*an( D6et a &ood e3a*ple( I you advise one thin& 'ut do the opposite" your advice will 'e seen as phony and hypocritical( I you do as you say" however" people will 'e *ore li!ely to respect your advice( EJnderstand that the person *ay not ta!e your advice( Kust 'ecause so*eone as!s or your advice" they are not o'li&ated to ta!e it( 9eali:e that the other person al*ost always !nows *ore a'out their particular situation and desires than you do" so you can never 'e sure that your advice is really the 'est or the*( Jnderstand that people will so*eti*es as! advice 7ust in order to 'ounce ideas o o you" and donHt 'e surprised i a person re7ects even &ood advice and decides to *a!e his or her own *ista!e( >ive with it" and let the person live with his or her decision(

=ou can eel really powerless when so*eone close to you needs help" 'ut doesn-t want help( Find out why people don-t always see! help when they need it" and &et so*e tips on how to support the*" includin& !nowin& what to do when thin&s &et really serious( This can help i @ so*eone you !now is &oin& throu&h a tou&h ti*e you-re &ettin& rustrated 'ecause you can-t help you want so*e tips on how to 'e there durin& tou&h ti*es teen &irl wal!in& alon& 'ea* at 'each while holdin& 'oys hand Why people don-t want help I people are indin& thin&s are &ettin& the 'etter o the*" *a!in& a decision to see! help can 'e a really hard thin& to do( Lo*in& around to the realisation that theyHre &oin& throu&h a rou&h patch can 'e scary and di icult" so itHs understanda'le that *any people ta!e so*e ti*e 'e ore decidin& to see! help( I so*eone you !now is &oin& throu&h a tou&h ti*e" and theyHre re7ectin& your o ers o advice and support" it-s co**on to eel li!e you-re powerless to do anythin&( Feelin& powerless is pretty aw ul and can 'e rustratin& 'ut" you can still 'e there or a riend that isnHt ready to see! help( =ou *i&ht 7ust need to ta!e a di erent approach to the way you support the*( How to 'e there or so*eone who isn-t ready to &et help I you-ve 'een o erin& advice and support to so*eone" and they haven-t 'een respondin& very well" there are so*e thin&s you should avoid doin&" and so*e new strate&ies you can try( /4%-T try and orce the issue put pressure on the* avoid the*( When people try and pressure or orce a riend to &et help" it always co*es ro* a &ood place" 'ut it can actually have the opposite e ect to what they intend , and could turn their riend o help see!in& alto&ether( Avoidin& a riend is also not a &reat idea ,it-s li!ely to *a!e the* eel isolated" and it *eans i they do 'eco*e ready to see! help" they *i&ht not eel co* orta'le a'out &oin& to you or support( /4 Lontinue to 'e supportive( =ou can: Be availa'le to listen to your riend when they need( 4 er help or su&&estions i and when your riend reaches out to you and as!s or your advice( Get in or*ed( /o a 'it o research into what help is availa'le in your area that could 'e use ul or your riend( That way" i they decide they-re ready to see! help" you-ll 'e a'le to &ive the* so*e direction a'out who they can &o and see( Tal! to so*eone yoursel ( =ou need to loo! a ter yoursel as well" and eelin& li!e you can-t help so*eone is really rustratin& and can *a!e you eel pretty helpless( Tal! throu&h how you-re eelin& with so*eone you trust( 6et 'oundaries( =ou need to loo! out or yoursel " and you-re not &oin& to 'e a'le to 'e there or so*eone at every *o*ent o every day( 6et so*e li*its on thin&s you are willin& and not willin&

to do , and stic! to the*M 0e(&( wor! out i youHre co* orta'le acco*panyin& the* to appoint*ents1( I thin&s are really serious( While in *ost circu*stances" itHs a &ood idea to &ive a riend ti*e to ready the*selves to see! help" i you thin! so*eone is in dan&er or at ris! as a result o what is &oin& on" it-s i*portant that you see! help i**ediately( I you thin! your riend is in dan&er or at serious ris!" 'ut they donHt want help" you *i&ht 'e worried a'out &oin& a&ainst their wishes( However" itHs 'etter to have an an&ry riend than a riend who is in serious trou'le or is seriously hurt( Lhec! out the ri&ht hand side o the pa&e or nu*'ers to call in an e*er&ency( What can I do now) >earn *ore a'out listenin& s!ills I you-re worried that so*eone-s at ris!" tell so*eone you trust or call a helpline Have so*eone that you can tal! to yoursel i you-re indin& it tou&h We all have riends that need a little advice 0and you pro'a'ly need so*e too1" 'ut one o the pro'le*s with those types o conversations is that itHs really easy to co*e o as Nholier than thouN when youHre o erin& help( When you do that" no'odyHs &oin& to listen( G Ads 'y Goo&le Lreate We'site on Goo&le Build and run your we'site usin& Goo&le App +n&ine cloud(&oo&le(co*Oappen&ineO When you have a riend whoHs stuc! in a rut" itHs nor*al to want to provide so*e type o insi&ht to &et the* out o it( But itHs not an easy conversation to have with so*eone" especially when you !now all the e3tenuatin& circu*stances o their situation( I tal!ed with relationship and a*ily therapist 9o&er 6( Gil to &et so*e advice or dealin& with these situations(G First 4 : Ma!e 6ure They Want =our AdviceG How to Give Advice to a Friend Without Bein& a 8now2It2All 6+PGA%/ 4'viously not everyone is loo!in& or your advice( Be ore you &o o erin& up your point o view" *a!e sure theyHre interested in hearin& it( As 9o&er Gil points out" o tenti*es riends arenHt loo!in& or you to solve a pro'le*( They 7ust want you to listen and *ay'e as! so*e 5uestions( Gil e3plains why:G Geople o ten thin! that therapists spend *ost o their ti*e &ivin& advice( The truth is that we usually listen and as! 5uestions that &et people to ta!e a hard loo! at what rationale in or*s their opinions" how they eel a'out various thin&s" what they have tried in the past" etc( In other words" we *a!e the person &o throu&h the process o developin& their own solutions rather than listin& a series o steps to ta!e( Most o the ti*e a person thatHs see!in& a solution will 'e as!in& 5uestions a'out topics that donHt have clearly de ined N'est practicesN or steps that one should ta!e(G

6o" as! i theyHd li!e to hear your input or insi&hts on a pro'le*" 'ut also as! 5uestions a'out why they eel a certain way( I they say Nno"N let the* inish their story and listen politely( Gil also adds that even when you !now the answer to so*ethin&" you *i&ht want to !eep your *outh shut:G 9esearch has shown that *en stereotypically try to solve pro'le*s as 5uic!ly as possi'le when their *ate con ides in the*C however this o ten leads to con lict 'ecause the con idin& party eels Nunheard(N 6o*eti*es a person 7ust needs to vent and isnHt necessarily see!in& advice( +ven i you !now the answer" advice is o ten 'etter2received once a person has shared so*e eelin&s(G I nothin& else" wait or the* to inish ventin& 'e ore o erin& advice 0or as!in& i they want it1( 6o*eti*es the 'est way to i&ure so*ethin& out is to do it on your own( Ghoto 'y >au&hlin +l!ind(G /i erentiate Between 4pinions" +3pert Advice" and Bein& a 6oundin& BoardG How to Give Advice to a Friend Without Bein& a 8now2It2All 6+PGA%/ 6pea!in& o listenin&" itHs also a &ood idea to i&ure out ri&ht away what your riends want ro* ro* you( Gil descri'es this as di erentiatin& 'etween opinions" e3pert advice" and 'ein& a Nsoundin& 'oard:NG /i erent situations re5uire di erent approaches so we need to !now what we should contri'ute( 4pinions are &ood or su'7ective in5uiries 0e(&( 6hould I 'uy a MacBoo! or GL)1( +3pert advice should 'e li*ited to areas that you 8%4W very well and can o er well2in or*ed opinions 0e(&( What *a!es or a &ood 66/ or a MacBoo!)1( 6o*eti*es a person 7ust needs us to listen and clari y thin&s or the* 0e(&( 6o youHre sayin& that youHre considerin& a MacBoo! 'ecause your iMac doesnHt it in your 'ac!pac!1( Whichever approach you ta!e" *a!e sure you donHt present one type as another 0i(e( donHt present an opinion as e3pert advice1(G +ssentially" donHt pretend li!e you !now so*ethin& you donHt" and de initely donHt act li!e youHve 'een in a situation you havenHt 'een in( Ghoto 'y Brendan 9iley(G Mini*i:e N=ou should((N 6tate*entsG How to Give Advice to a Friend Without Bein& a 8now2It2All 6+PGA%/ %ow that you !now whether or not your riends or a*ily actually want your advice" itHs ti*e to learn how to deal it out without soundin& li!e a !now2it2all( This is a lot harder than you *i&ht thin!( As Gil points out" one way to o er advice without soundin& pretentious is to avoid N=ou shouldN state*ents:G N=ou should(((N state*ents can co*e o as pretentious and 7ud&*ental at ti*es( They can also *a!e us responsi'le or any ne&ative outco*es the advice see!er e3periences( Jsin& NI eel(((N state*ents shares your idea while conveyin& the *essa&e that itHs 7ust the way you eel and up to the other party to ta!e it as advice or a course o action( +3a*ple: /onHt say" N=ou should du*p his cheatin& sel (N /o say" NWhen I hear you tal!in& a'out his cheatin&" I eel li!e stayin& with hi* could lead to *ore headaches or you(NG GilHs advice see*s o'vious" 'ut itHs incredi'ly easy to &et on your hi&h2horse and use N=ou shouldN i youHre not care ul( By o erin& up your opinion clearly de ined as your opinion" you re*ove the insinuation that Nyou !now 'est(N Ghoto 'y a;&e**a(G

Accept That =ou Mi&ht Have to 'e a Ker!G How to Give Advice to a Friend Without Bein& a 8now2It2All 6+PGA%/ 6o*eti*es you do need to o er up so*e tou&h love( While you should still ollow the practices *entioned a'ove" when a situation warrants it" donHt 'e a raid to 'e a 'it o a 7er!( Gil e3plains:G There are no N'est practicesN when tal!in& a'out di icult topics and so*eti*es one HA6 to co*e across as a 'it o a 7er! to &et a point across to so*eone who is in denial or &oin& in circles with their conversation(G The &olden rule o &ivin& advice And never or&et" the real secret o &ivin& advice is this: 4nce you-ve &iven it" don-t concern yoursel with whether it is ollowed or not" and re rain ro* sayin& I told you so(# When advice is reely &iven" the receiver is ree to use it as he or she sees it( The 'otto* line is to 'e pic!y a'out when you &ive advice" and to who* you &ive it( I you thin! your words *ay *a!e you responsi'le or undesira'le results 'eyond your control" thin! twice 'e ore you spea!( I you !now the person is as!in& or your insi&hts 7ust to 'e polite or politically correct" don-t eel o'li&ated( And as you are choosin& your words and who will 'ene it ro* the*" !eep this in *ind: The 'est way to succeed in li e is to act on the advice you &ive to others( I you wouldn-t ollow your own advice" don-t o er it( E TIG6 H4W T4 %4T GII+ A/IIL+ T4 G+4G>+ Q ALTJA>>= H+>G TH+M It see*s only natural to &ive advice to people we love and have relationships with( We de initely &ive a lot o advice to children( 6o*eti*es it-s a &ood thin& and so*eti*es it *a!es children want to re'el a&ainst the advice *ore( 4ur desire to help others also reaches to the adults we have relationships with( Whether it-s your spouse" si&ni icant other" parents" adult a*ily *e*'ers or riends" we o ten ind ourselves tryin& to help out( I*a&ine you noticed your hus'and *a!in& 'ad choices and headin& strai&ht or a 'ric! wall 0*etaphorically spea!in& o course1( It is only natural to eel the need to step in and help hi* avoid hittin& the wall( When you love so*eone and want what is 'est or the*" your natural tendency is to help the* avoid *a!in& *ista!es 'y sharin& your !nowled&e and e3periences( Althou&h to &ive advice to people you love see*s help ul and the ri&ht thin& to do" it o ten has disastrous e ects on your relationships( There are two types o advice

Jn2as!ed or" unsolicited advice As!ed or advice I so*eone you love as!s or advice" 'y all *eans help the*( In *o*ents when people see! your advice it is very help ul and carin& to share your e3periences and wisdo*( The pro'le* is due to our carin& nature" *ost o us &o throu&h our lives &ivin& un2as!ed or" unsolicited advice to everyone we !now( WH= GIII%G J%64>ILIT+/ A/IIL+ /4+6%-T W498 6harin& your e3periences and what you thin! is 'est o ten 'ac! ires when you &ive advice to people who haven-t as!ed or it 'ecause: They don-t want your advice( They want e*otional support in learnin& ro* their own successes and *ista!es( Truth ully" they want to hit the 'ric! wall and have you 'e there to e*pathi:e with how 'ad it hurts( Geople usually can-t learn ro* !nowled&e alone( They *ust learn ro* e3perience 0hittin& the 'ric! wall1( =our advice *ay *a!e the* want to re'el a&ainst you and stic! to their choices even *ore 0hit the 'ric! wall even harder1( They *ay not even thin! what you-re worried a'out is i*portant to the*( Geople will not listen to or value your advice unless they-ve as!ed or it( The person you are &ivin& advice to *ost li!ely already !nows the advice your &ivin& the* intellectually" 'ut hasn-t e3perienced enou&h conse5uences or pain to chan&e( Thin! o the last ti*e so*eone tried to &ive you unwanted advice and as! yoursel these 5uestions: /id it help you) /id you value it) /id you eel heard and connected to that person) /id you even listen or where you 7ust waitin& or the* to 'e 5uiet so you could &o do what you were &oin& to do in the irst place) =ou pro'a'ly answered no# to *any o the 5uestions a'ove( %ot only is &ivin& unsolicited advice 'ad or your relationships" 'ut it usually doesn-t even help the other person( WH= GIII%G J%64>ILIT+/ A/IIL+ I6 T+99IB>+ F49 =4J9 9+>ATI4%6HIG6 4ne o the 'i&&est pro'le*s when you &ive advice to people who haven-t as!ed or it" is that it usually hurts your relationships Those closest to you want to eel loved" cared or" listened to" respected and related to e*otionally( When you &ive unsolicited advice people o ten eel:

6po!en down to or 'elittled That you didn-t listen to the* /isconnected ro* you That you don-t care how they eel That you haven-t understood their e3perience Irritated 'y your arro&ance /isrespected 6o" what started as a very carin&" lovin& &esture on your part has turned into a disaster or your relationships( /espite your 'est intentions" people will al*ost always perceive your unsolicited advice in very ne&ative ways that hurt your relationships( H4W T4 %4T GII+ A/IIL+ T4 G+4G>+ Q ALTJA>>= H+>G TH+M When you-ve hit the 'ric! wall yoursel and have the in7uries to prove it" it can 'e e3tre*ely hard not to try and stop so*eone you love ro* doin& the sa*e thin&( When you can see those closest to you *a!in& choices that are 'ad or the*" sel 2destructive or will lead to unwanted conse5uences it can see* li!e you would 'e a terri'le person to not &ive advice( But" that-s e3actly what is 'est or the other person and your relationship with the*( E Tips to help you avoid &ivin& unsolicited advice 1( +3perience and conse5uences as a result o trial and error are the only true teachers( It is in your loved ones 'est interest or you to pull 'ac! and allow the* to learn ro* their choices( ;( 6eparate the person ro* tryin& to help the* solve their pro'le*s( Be there to support the person 'ut don-t try to help the* solve their pro'le*s unless as!ed( <( Ma!in& 'ad choices" *ista!es and hittin& 'ric! walls is a *ust in li e to 'eco*e stron&" resilient and &row( ?( The *ost di icult part will 'e toleratin& the disco* ort o not &ivin& unsolicited advice and watchin& the* hit the 'ric! wall( 9e*e*'er" this is not a'out relievin& your disco* ort( It is what is in the 'est interest o the other person and your relationship with the*( A( 6tay connected with the person while not necessarily a&reein& with or endorsin& their choices( Always ac!nowled&e" accept and relate to their e*otions" especially a ter hittin& the 'ric! wall(

B( /on-t ever say I told you so( 6ay I-* here or you e*otionally even i I don-t a&ree with your choices(# D( Model the choices you want your loved ones to *a!e" 'ut don-t directly push it on the* unless they as!( E( /on-t &ive unsolicited advice period(

'enting and listening

'enting is a satisfying e&perience. 2omething has been on your mind for days, and all of a sudden you let loose about it to a friend. 6ou were ,ust talking out loud, but the mere act of e&punging these thoughts from your mind is cathartic, and even provides you with the start of a solution or two. Then, your friend chimes in with what you5ve done wrong, what you should do, and what he would do if he were you. Advice is best given A and received A when re3uested. 2ome of the worst advice you may ever give, and some of the worst you5ve ever gotten, is the unsolicited kind. 'enting is an important part of the process of discovery, and unless it ends with a 3uestion like B2o what do you think?C it is best to let our friends vent to us about their problems, nod or shake our heads in response, maybe throw out Bthat sucksC or Bsounds like a bitchC and keep our advice to ourselves unless they ask for it. This is particularly true when women vent. +f you want to do right by a woman, let her vent, be a supportive listener, and wait for your cue to respond. +f you never get it, you might consider asking, B6ou want my opinion?C and abiding by her answer.

Asking 3uestions
+f you are asked to give advice, and you want to avoid sounding patroni.ing or holierthan-thou, the most effective way to achieve this is to ask 3uestions because*

it forces that person to e&plore areas of their dilemma they have not yet consideredD it permits them to find solutions for themselves and puts their decisions and the outcomes under their controlD it allows you to dodge having to present an answer that you may not know in the first place or that may be wrongD you won5t seem patroni.ing because you aren5t presuming to have all the answers.

#ore tips on how to give adviceE

/hile there is no step-by-step formula per se for the 3uestions you ask, frame them around the five /s* what, when, why, who, and how. These 3uestions stand the best chance of being effective if they are specific, and if the answers to them are e3ually as specific.

As an e&ample, we5ll go with the following scenario* Foncerned that his girlfriend has developed a drug problem, a friend asks you to give advice about whether he should plan an intervention. ,hat: /hat has she done to make you think she5s got a problem? /hat5s she into? +s she drinking, doing coke, crystal meth? !oes she lie about small things? +s she hiding things from you? ,ho: /ho does she spend time with? Are these people known users? /ho comes to mind when you imagine this intervention? Have you talked to them about her? ,hy: /hy are you thinking about an intervention? !o you know anything about them? Gefore you go that far, have you confronted her? Asked her directly? /hat about her friends? How: +magine putting together an interventionD you involve A and worry A a number of people about an issue that you5re not even certain e&ists. 6ou get them into this room, then you deceive your girlfriend by lying about where you5re going. ,hen: /hen do you think this needs to be done? +mmediately? +s she putting herself in dangerous situations? /hat are the ramifications of waiting and watching? /hat would happen if you confronted her and she denied everything, or said you were cra.y?

helping hand
+deally, this process of asking 3uestions A and asking more 3uestions based on the answers you get A will chip away at some of the situation5s uncertainties and when finished, will leave a person with something resembling resolve, or a plan of action. This will leave them with a better

grasp of the situation they face, of their options and, of course, the knowledge that they can come to you in the future for advice or simply for someone they can vent to.

1) Make sure the person actually wants advice. No type of advice is worse than unsolicited advice. No one is more likely to be ignored than a nosy know-it-all. Make sure the person youre trying to help is actually looking for help, lest you come across as a condescending asshole. Bad Advice Example: In response to someone excited about getting accepted to graduate school.
Hey, thats cool you got accepted, but honestly graduate school is a waste of money. he debt you incur is hardly worth the slight bump you may get on your resume. My cousin spent all this money on grad school, had no social life for years and now is stuck in a !ob he doesnt like only because it pays well and can pay off his debt.

he only thing youre helping here is the perception that youre a dick. 2) Make sure you actually know what youre talking about. he second biggest sin of advicegiving is giving someone advice when you dont have the proper e"perience yourself. he person youre trying to help may not notice, but # guarantee you people who $% have the e"perience &#'' notice. (nd whether they say anything or not, you will lose credibility. (s the old adage goes) He who thinks he knows everything, learns nothing.* #f you dont have e"perience but you do feel like you have an important or useful observation to make, then you should always +ualify it by saying) #ve never had this problem before, but it seems to me,* or something similar before speaking or posting. Classic Bad Advice Example: A virgin whos read 20 boo s on dating advice telling some gu! how to handle a con"lict with his girl"riend. 3) Meet them where they are, not where you are. #ts difficult for many of us to step outside of ourselves and to imagine the place others may be stuck in. Many of us have the tendency to pro!ect our own issues and successes onto others even when its not warranted. -iving advice based on your life situation and not theirs is ineffective at best and embarrassing at worst. Bad Advice Example: In response to someone tal ing about a pett! argument with their sister.
# hear you on having to deal with family members. %ne thing that you have to understand is that regardless of what they say, your family usually doesnt actually care about you and will !ust do whatever they want. here was one time my brother borrowed my car and . etc.*

4) sychoanalysis is not advice, its condescending. his seems to be the most common error on self development and dating forums. he worst part about this is that !ou ma! even be right, but youre still not helping anybody. he +uickest way to piss someone off and shut you out is to try and tell them who they are, why theyre having the thoughts theyre having, why theyre making the mistakes theyre making and so on. hings only get worse if you start making assumptions about their character, their life, or their past. his relates to meeting people where they are, but !ust because you notice something doesnt mean you have to fi" it. #f someone has an overly-negative attitude and thinks the world is against them, then telling them they have a negative attitude is not likely to help them. heyre going to perceive you to be condescending and !ust another part of that world that is aligned against them. he best way is to meet them where they are and answer their +uestions in the most simple way possible for them to understand. Bad Advice Example: In response to someone complaining about how hard it is to ma e "riends in their new town.
'ook, you obviously come from a screwed up background and now youre viewing every opportunity in front of you as something youre going to fail at before you even try. his is because you have low self esteem and your attitude and beliefs are only going to perpetuate it.*

his is a pitfall that # fall into the most often when giving advice, and it can easily push the person away from taking me seriously. #t is useful to note that sometimes people (/0 looking for specific observations on their mindsets and worldviews, and in those situations, advice like this is useful. 1ut again, if theyre not looking for it, then giving it to them is not going go well. !) "ritici#e their actions, not their character. %r as its more commonly known) love the sinner2 hate the sin. #ts important to differentiate the actions of a person from their intentions. 3oud be ama4ed how often people do stupid things with really noble intentions. (nyone whos grown up with overly critical parents knows the sting of someone !udging your character based on some mistake you made. Bad Advice Example: In response to a gu! sa!ing something creep! to a woman.
My -od, do you have no respect for women5 6ust stop trying to meet them altogether if thats the way youre going to go about it. hats disgusting.*

$) eople do not owe you anything. 6ust because you take the time to give someone advice does not mean theyre obligated to use it and it does not mean that they owe you any gratitude or anything in return. oo many times 7particularly on forums8 do # see someone who has given advice get upset that someone didnt use it. hey have no responsibility to use it. #ts their life. #ts their path. #f what you say resonates with them, they will identify with it and try it out. #f not, then they owe you nothing. (dvice is a gift. (nd as a gift, it is given unconditionally, with nothing e"pected in return. (nd with that, you can take the advice of this article and use it, or you may disregard it. &hichever you choose.