FAMILY

Love is a movement from a me to a you, from a you to an us and from the us to the them,

On Married Life a me to a you a you to an us

4 Stages of Marriage
Romance
Life was so wonderful couldn't stand to live without the other. grown in love and knew that this was the person we wanted to spend the rest of our life with Little differences between us were cute and endearing.

4 Stages of Marriage
Disillusionment
little differences started to annoy felt bothered by some of those same things that may have been cute a short time earlier. start to wonder why our spouse couldn't be more like us. start to realize that your spouse is not the perfect person that you had envisioned him or her to be realize that the expectations we had of the perfect marriage were not going to happen. Then give up on the marriage

4 Stages of Marriage
Misery
marriage deteriorates more deeply third party relationship in the form of extramarital affairs result. considering marriage separation The pain is so intense during the Misery Stage that it is common to only want it to STOP.

4 Stages of Marriage
Awakening
accept that no amount of reasoning, begging, nagging, yelling, or threatening changes our partners minds more ready to forgive the spouses hardheadedness, and recognize that we arent exactly easy to live with either. more effort to put ourselves in our partners shoes leading to being compassionate and understanding

 Awakening
no longer in a struggle to define who you are and what the marriage should be there is more harmony. appreciate your partners sense of commitment and looking back and feeling good about accomplishments as a couple, a family, and as individuals.

 Awakening
secure about oneself Appreciation of differences. what you dont appreciate, you accept. feel closer and more connected.

FAMILY

Marriage and Children

us to the them

Grounding principle
What God has joined together , no human being must separate. (Mt. 19:6)
Man and woman are no longer two but one. Oneness of personal love, love of God and procreation and education of children. Marriage is a union of spouses and children in the love of God. A union that demands Fidelity. A union that is for a Life-time.

Fruitfulness of Marriage
Children are gift of married love. Children enrich marriage by their presence Children contribute to the family
By their very presence, By their love, By their activities, By their care and attention when their parents are already old.

Fruitfulness of Marriage
Marriage and conjugal love are by their nature ordained toward the begetting and educating of children. Children are really the supreme gift of marriage and contribute very substantially to the welfare of their parents.

Fruitfulness of Marriage
"Parents proper mission transmitting human life educating those to whom it has been transmitted. They are cooperators with the love of God the Creator, and are, so to speak, the interpreters of that love" (Gaudium et Spes, 50).

Planning for family

Parents own welfare the welfare of the children being planned for of those already in the family. Consider the following:
Material conditions Interest of the family group Spiritual conditions of the times

1. Material conditions
the immediate and long term financial situation of the parents and family. Could we afford to give what is due to the children? Good living conditions, health, education, etc. The dignity of every child is of the utmost importance.

2. Interest of the family group

how and in what way the family can help the rearing of children. how best the family can help in the human development and education of children. We are born into a family and we must live within it also.

3. Spiritual condition of the times

refer to the ability to link spiritual growth to physical and psychological development. Integration of religious belief into the everyday activities of the home. Education of children in the real and true Christian-Catholic values.

 Life is a gift to be shared, and the Christian couple are called to be generous in the service of life according to their circumstances.

What method?

 "When there is a question of harmonizing conjugal love with the responsible transmission of life, the moral aspect of any procedure does not depend solely on sincere intentions or on an evaluation of motives. It must be determined by objective standards. These, based on the nature of the human person and his acts, preserve the full sense of mutual self-giving and human procreation in the context of true love.
(Gaudium et Spes, 51)

The practice of NFP helps

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Improve communication and relationship, the absence of feelings of being used, development of non-genital courtship, peace of conscience, and no fear of the dangerous effects of some unnatural methods, and 6. strengthen character which are necessary for marital fidelity and life-long marriage.

To pill or not to pill

Artificial Method

Rule of the thumb

In view of some existing goods weightier than the openness to the possibility of transmission of life, the couples option to use appropriate means to plan their family is justified.

Situations that could lead to the openness to other possibilities

1. The assurance of the present childrens education which may now cost more money than before. 2. The promotion of better conditions for the familys greater growth of love and intimacy. 3. The welfare of the community being served by the couples who need more precious time.

FAMILY

Building Family Relations

What is the state of my Family Relationship?

Communication
discussion clarification of roles, responsibilities, and expectations lead to more effective, collaborative, and supportive relationships

within the family.

Effective Communication:
Effective communication IS authentic communication. One that is removed of masks, walls and pretensions. It is open to the experience of another and one that shares the meaning of oneself.
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Effective Communication: Important aspects to effective communication: Listening not only to the sound of the spoken words but also to the sound of silence Non-verbal signals discern also those shown by the non-verbal cues Directness avoid hazy comments and innuendos Clarity concise and clear
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make time to communicate.

 Open and honest communication creates an atmosphere that allows family members to express their differences as well as love and admiration for one another.

 clear, open, and frequent communication is a basic characteristic of a strong, healthy family.

 Conjugal communion is the basis of communion between parents and children, between sisters and brothers. FC, 21

Enhancing Husband-Wife Communication:

John Hiltz :how to enhance communication between husband and wife:
Communicating non-verbally gestures, postures and facial expressions Communicating as adults touches on the world of ideas Communicating as children (the child in them) time for play and adventure Communicating as husband and wife intimate moments and expressions Communicating spiritually share spiritual and religious practices

Enhancing Husband-Wife Communication:

John Hiltz :how to enhance communication between husband and wife: Communicating emotionally Expressing ones emotions (bad or good) Communicating mutual and diverse interests sharing of interests and likes or dislikes Communicating socially how the couple together communicate with others beyond the family confines Communicating culturally tracing own family traditions Communicating mans/womans condition differing points of view in terms of sexual preferences

How to Hurt Thee

1. Thou shall not speak ill of your partner to others. 2. Thou shall not always assume that you are right. 3. Thou shall not be passive and let your partner do all the relationship work. 4. Thou shall not criticize and complain. 5. Thou shall not hold grudges

When you disagree

1. Concede Conceder must not harbor resentment 2. Compromise I will if youll 3. Chance No compromiseflip the coin Gracefully letting go ones preference without holding a grudge. 4. Co-existence
Agreeing to disagree minor issues

5. Create new possibilities

Which one is the best?

10 things that parents should never say to children

1. Youre useless or Youre a failure

It can scar children deeply It can make them doubt their worth as a human being.

2. I know whats best for you

As it is true that as parent, really do know whats best for their children using this phrase is not at all effective in convincing them that you're right. Instead, parents should do all they can to empower their children to take full responsibility for their choices and their life.

3. Because I said so!

another phrase thats unlikely to be persuasive Parents need to establish boundaries for their children. Explain the reason why things must be done or refrain from doing.

4. I told you so
I told you so is sure to annoy children and to cause strain in the relationship. Parents say this when it turns out that their advice turned down by their kid/s is correct.

5. So clever!
intelligence is all-important, when in fact most of us would agree that integrity and morals are even more important. Instead parents should really emphasize: character and values, while not neglecting the worth of hard work and a love for learning.

6. Why cant you be more like

comparisons to other children can cause psychological damage to children. focus on what makes their children unique, and encourage them to be the best version of themselves that they can be, instead of merely trying to be better than others.

7. I wish you werent my son/daughter

Some parents say this when theyre feeling especially frustrated or upset with their children. It can lead to harboring immense bitterness and resentment toward their parents for making such a hurtful statement.

8. Youre such a terrible boy/girl!

Children have a strange way of becoming the kind of person that their parents, as well as those closest to them, imagine them to be. When a child misbehaves, parents could say something like this instead: This is so unlike you. Youre usually such a considerate and responsible boy. Youll still be punished for misbehaving, but this is really not like you at all to do something so naughty.

9. You always or You never

its much more effective for parents to point out specific instances or examples. Rather than keep on saying: You always forget to do your chores You never keep your promises.

10.Dont argue with me

When parents say this, they cause their child to feel even angrier and less willing to obey or compromise. Parents should reason with their child and explain their perspective calmly. Its crucial that parents dont lose their cool!

Boundaries in marriage

For better communicationset your boundaries

Relationship Partners must have a sense of ownership of himself or herself. Boundaries Help in knowing where one person ends and the other begins help us to determine who is responsible for what. Ownership is important Lets us know who owns things, feelings, attitudes Lets us know to whom they belong.

Ten Laws of Boundaries

1. The Law of Sowing and Reaping our actions have consequences 2. The Law of Responsibility We are responsible to each other, but not for each other. 3. The Law of Power You have the power to start identifying ways you are actively or passively contributing to the problem, and you have the power to change your time.

Ten Laws of Boundaries

4. The Law of Respect
if we wish for others to respect our boundaries, we need to respect theirs.

5. The Law of Motivation

be free to say no before you can wholeheartedly say yes.

6. The Law of Evaluation

need to evaluate the pain our boundaries cause others.

Ten Laws of Boundaries

7. The Law of Proactivity taking action to solve problems based on your values, wants, and needs. 8. The Law of Envy we will never get what we want if we focus outside of our boundaries on what others have. 9. The Law of Activity
we need to take the initiative to solve our problems rather than being passive.

10. The Law of Exposure

we need to communicate our boundaries to each other.

 Day by day the members of the family must build up this communion of persons by their "care and love of the little ones, the sick, the aged," by their "sharing of goods, of joys and of sorrows" (FC, ibid.). Only through a great spirit of sacrifice, forbearance, pardon and reconciliation can family communion be preserved and perfected (FC, ibid.).
SAVING AND STRENGTHENING THE FILIPINO FAMILY A CBCP Pastoral Statement

Model of Love, Model of communication

Trinity
Representation of a relationship Coequal persons Union of love Communion of love Eternal giving Receiving and exchanging of love Sharing of LOVE out from their communion Trinitarian LOVE flows over into a creative love.

Implication
Humanity is destined to a life of love with the Trinity We are to be people of LOVE We are destined to live in community in relationships of love.

The meaning of life is found in giving and receiving love.

FAMILY

Family Values
Values form, protect, and give marriage and family a place to grow.

 The values of your relationship become like the frame of a house; they give it shape. What you value determines the kind of relationship you most likely will have in the end.

 What you value is what you will have. If you value something in a relationship, you will not tolerate anything that destroys this value, and you will also seek to make sure it is present and growing. What you value happens and what you dont value is absent.

What You Value is What Youll Have

Love of God
Love of Partner and family

Honesty
Faithfulness
Compassion and Forgiveness

Holiness

Love of God
When loving God is our orienting principle in life, we are always adjusting to what he requires from us. When things get tough in a marriage and when some change is required from us, we might not want to do it God empowers us to change. God tells us how to change. God becomes the one that keeps us from being ultimately in charge.

Love God first, with all of your heart, mind, soul, and strength. Lose your life to him, and you will gain it.

Love of Partner and family

To love is to seek the welfare of the other. In a love relationship You deeply identify with your partner that you feel the effects of your own behavior on your partner and family, you think first of making your partners life and family better, you want the best for your family even when your family cant see what that is

Make love your highest value in your marriage, and it is likely to return the commitment you make to it. It will pay you back multifold, much more than you ever thought possible. For in the end, love is the strongest power at our disposal:

Honesty
Intimacy comes from knowing the other person at a deep level. Have enough grace to tell the truth. Become a partner in your spouses life to heal the underlying fears of being honest. Take responsibility for your own dishonesty and its underlying fears, and make a commitment to resolving them. Use discernment when too tell the truth Use wisdom to know what your relationship can handle and what it is not ready for

If you are to build a strong relationship, make a commitment to each other of total honesty. But remember, honesty must be accompanied by enough grace to hear and deal with the truth it brings.

Faithfulness
It means
to be trusted in all areas you can be depended upon to do what you have promised, to follow through on what your spouse has entrusted to you. that you will deliver on what you have promised. means that you will not stray from the one you love.

A faithful spouse is one who can be trusted, depended upon, and believed in, and one in whom you can rest.

Compassion and Forgiveness

It means you forgive what is inferior to the ideal standard. that if your partner is hurting or failing, you are not morally superior, but you are in the stronger position at that moment to be able to help. being tenderhearted.

Tenderhearted means
1. Having an attitude of humility toward your spouses failures . 2. Identifying with your spouses weakness or inability as if it were your own. 3. Become vulnerable again.
Forgiveness and tenderheartedness come from the injured party.

4. Be willing to repent.

Holiness
To be holy means to be pure and blameless. you shall make and keep yourselves holy, because I am holy. To be holy means that partners pursue becoming the kind of people who can produce true love and life. becoming whole. becoming trustworthy, honest, faithful, and loving.

If every marriage placed value on holiness, the following would be present: 1. Confession and ownership of the problems in each individual 2. A relentless drive toward growth and development 3. A giving up of everything that gets in the way of love 4. A surrendering of everything that gets in the way of truth 5. A purity of heart where nothing toxic is allowed to grow

Love of God
Love of Partner and family

Honesty
Faithfulness
Compassion and Forgiveness

Holiness

It is the kind of purity and trustworthiness from which the deepest kinds of passion flow.