THE AGENCY (Second Draft) By Ben Ben Address Phone Number E-mail : StrongbadTEASER. INT. EVICTED HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - MONDAY NIGHT BOOM! A door explodes to pieces (should feel unnecessary) and we see a MALE AGENT (mid 30s) wide jaw, clean-cut, enter with his GUN (silenced 9mm) drawn CRASH! A wide living room window standing behind eight seated men shatters, and we see a FEMALE AGENT (late 20s) black jacket, black pants (no cleavage, get over it), hair in ponytail, lean, athletic, tom-boyish enter with no visible weapon. MALE AGENT Hands on the ground! NOW! Seven men fall face down on the ground After a moment we see a bearded, Russian man, BRAVE MAN, on his knees with his hands behind his head, laughing quietly to himself. The Female Agent STEPS CLOSE to the Brave Man FEMALE AGENT You heard him. Hands on the ground beardy. Brave Man continues to look forward, his laughing increases. The Female Agent is snide, sarcastic, germane. FEMALE AGENT (CONT’D) What? (pause) What's up smiley? She looks around the room. FEMALE AGENT (CONT’D) There's obviously something you're giggling about so uh... C'mon Let's hear it. BRAVE MAN (Russian accent) You dress like boy, but are girl. You you A few of the other men on the ground start laughingShe gathers in the room for a moment. She can't stand being laughed at. FEMALE AGENT Oh, I dress like a boy... You hear that Christian? The Male Agent (Christian) sighs. Not again AGENT CHRISTIAN (through teeth) Agent Andry... He looks around. AGENT CHRISTIAN (CONT'D) -+.I thought we were- AGENT ANDRY (FEMALE AGENT) No, no. It's OK. She looks around and nods. AGENT ANDRY (CONT'D) You know what? I do dress like a boy. Maybe... Maybe I should start dressing more like a girl. You think? The kneeling Brave Man approves. She TAKES OFF her JACKET. THROWS IT aside. AGENT ANDRY (CONT'D) I'll take off my jacket, show off my chest a little more THRUSTS CHEST into Brave Man's face. AGENT ANDRY (CONT'D) -Maybe I'll even let my hair down. Takes out her ponytail and WHIPS her hair into the Brave Man's face. It's very... very unsexual AGENT ANDRY (CONT'D) Yeah? You like that? BRAVE MAN (spitting out hair) Not really.AGENT ANDRY Well... Maybe this will help She RIPS OFF her belt and THROWS it around a ceiling pipe and latches a notch. She positions her left hand behind the Brave Man's head AGENT ANDRY (CONT'D) How about that? Do I... She LEANS IN sensually AGENT ANDRY (CONT'D) -+.take your breath away? BRAVE MAN No. She PULLS BACK. AGENT ANDRY Not even a little- SMASH! Agent Andry drives her knee into the Brave Man's throat. THUMP. He gasps on the ground for oxygen Agent Christian rolls his eyes and sighs. She LIFTS the Brave Man back to his knees. AGENT ANDRY (CONT'D) Well? BRAVE MAN Go- (gasping) To... Hell- She STEPS BEHIND the Brave Man, using her hair pony to TIE his hands and feet together. AGENT ANDRY (as she ties) Yeah, yeah go to hell you worthless bitch, I got it. She is really just talking to herself now but everyone can hear it. She TIGHTENS the tie around his hands and feet and ADJUSTS the make-shift belt/noose.AGENT ANDRY (CONT'D) Well if you're just going to be rude and make me make an ass of mysel£- AGENT CHRISTIAN Miss Andry! Settle-(note: this should sound like the word misandry) AGENT ANDRY No. Settle your face! A few men on the ground are giggling AGENT ANDRY (CONT'D) I tried the whole "sexual thing" like you said. It didn't work. Now this is happening. She THRUSTS his head through the noose. TIGHTENS IT. He FIGHTS for air. She LEANS IN, ear close to his mouth AGENT ANDRY (CONT'D) Excuse me? What? She FLICKS his face a few times. AGENT ANDRY (CONT'D) Huh? He struggles. AGENT CHRISTIAN Agent Andry! That will be enough She turns her head and locks eyes with Agent Christian for a moment. She PULLS OUT a KNIFE. AGENT ANDRY Fine, dad. WOOSH. The Brave Man PLUMMETS to his face, battling for each breath. AGENT ANDRY (CONT'D) Well would you look at that, i finally left you speechless. Agent Christian looks at the Brave ManAGENT CHRISTIAN (shrugging) Really? You don't think that was just a little much? AGENT ANDRY Coming from the man who just used a mini-bomb to open an unlocked door. He winks. AGENT CHRISTIAN I always got something explosive up my sleeve. She shakes her head. AGENT CHRISTIAN (CONT'D) What? I'ma sucker for the flair. Agent Christian looks over at the other men. One of them, GROUND MAN, is looking back at him. Ground Man NODS his head signaling to go outside Agent Christian WALKS over to the Ground Man AGENT CHRISTIAN (CONT'D) (to Agent Andry) You good watching all these guys for a sec? I wanna take this one outside for a few questions. Looks like a squealer. The once Brave Man doesn't look so brave anymore, as he shakes on the ground BRAVE MAN Please no! AGENT ANDRY Be my guest. Agent Christian LIFTS Ground Man up by the collar. AGENT CHRISTIAN What's your name? GROUND MAN/ANTONIO (nervously) An-Antonio. Sir. AGENT CHRISTIAN You're coming with me AntonioThey EXIT through the broken entrance. Agent Christian clearly admiring his work Agent Andry looks at the rest of the men in the room. AGENT ANDRY (out loud to herself) oh, I can blow up a door with a bomb... look at me. (Searching room) Agent Andry breaks a friggin‘ window with her back but who- She sees the Brave Man continuing to shake in fear. She loves it. She KICKS his side. AGENT ANDRY (CONT'D) Hey! Any food around here? No response. She surveys the room. AGENT ANDRY (CONT'D) Seriously? I mean... you're having a huge party, bunch of fat, hungry pedophiles... but no one has anything? Not even a snack? She KICKS him a little harder. Still no response. AGENT ANDRY (CONT'D) I swear to god, if I find even a single- BAM! BAM! BAM! Gunshots RING from outside. Agent Andry RUNS towards the noise. AGENT ANDRY (CONT'D) Christian?! EXT. EVICTED HOUSE - FRONT LAWN - CONTINUOUS She FALLS to him as he lies outside on the ground, cupping his right eye. Antonio is nowhere to be seen. GUN close by.AGENT ANDRY Christian?! AGENT CHRISTIAN (groans)...He.. .He- AGENT ANDRY Have you been shot? AGENT CHRISTIAN No. Slugged me in the eye AGENT ANDRY And then shot three times into the air? AGENT CHRISTIAN Yeah... I mean... (pause) I pulled my gun. He fought for it... the shots fired and he slugged me, okay? Can you just get us out of here? She moves his hand away and looks at his eye. AGENT ANDRY What? Let's go chase that asshole down! AGENT CHRISTIAN No. We have enough assholes inside- SMASH! A sound of chaos comes from inside the house. AGENT ANDRY Son of a bitch! INT. EVICTED HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS She ENTERS the living room Everyone is up. Some are gone, others are still scrambling to get out. A man STANDS by the door, frozen in fear WHAM! Agent Andry's swift kick to his chest catapults him into a television. He's done. Another man, much too large to sprint, is almost out the other door on the opposite side of the room.She ACCELERATES and GRABS him by the back of the shoulders and STEERS his head into the wall. THUMP! He's done. AGENT ANDRY AHHH! She inspects the room. No one else in sight. AGENT ANDRY (CONT'D) DAMNIT! Christian ENTERS the living room. AGENT ANDRY (CONT'D) I'm going after them! AGENT CHRISTIAN No! We have more than we need. We have these two right? She looks at the Brave Man, who is now anything but. AGENT ANDRY Three. SILENCE fills the room. She realizes chasing the rest of the men would be a hassle. AGENT ANDRY (CONT'D) (sighs) Fine. Help me get them into the van. EXT. FBI STAKEOUT VAN - INSIDE - LATER Agent Andry DRIVES as Agent Christian sits shotgun. Bad dudes locked up in the back. Agent Andry scratches her head with one hand while the other is on the steering wheel. She looks at him suspiciously. Things are not adding up. A moment of SILENCE. She SLAMS her fist into the dash. AGENT ANDRY Seven years. You've been nothing less than perfect for seven years.He rolls his eyes. A moment of SILENCE. AGENT ANDRY (CONT'D) This is the second time you've screwed up this month. AGENT CHRISTIAN I already told you. I screwed up. AGENT ANDRY Twice. AGENT CHRISTIAN And we were fine last time and we will be fine again. EXT. FBI HEADQUARTERS The van arrives in front of a vast, never-ending building. The van ENTERS the parking lot through a gated door and the parks. We see Agent Andry and Agent Christian EXIT the vehicle. As they open the back of the van doors, Agent Andry is struggling to keep her pants from falling. AGENT CHRISTIAN Just to do it, didn't you? She glares as him. Screw you. END OF TEASER. FADE IN: BIG CITY - CROSS WALK - TUESDAY 6:52 AM A faint tune is heard as we see a naive, 5'10, twenty- something boy scout type, (M.C. BUCKLES) SPEED WALKING down a busy sidewalk with a large box of coffee in hand. Mc. (song) Oh no, there's nothing you can't do. /'No, you must believe in you. His phone vibrates.10. He struggles as he gets it from his pocket. TEXT reads: YOUR LATE! M.c. (CONT'D) Just kidding. / No one believes you can. / No, you'll never be the man. He looks at his phone again. 6:55 AM. M.c. (CONT'D) Shit, shit. / shit-shit-shit-shit- shit“shit-shiiiii... He quiets down as he STOPS at a crosswalk with strangers. He hums. A CURIOUS WOMAN stands next to M.C., eyes locked on the drinks. He is visibly bothered by her curiosity. Their eyes lock. He fakes a smile. CURIOUS WOMAN A lot of coffee there, huh? Yeah... rim'pretty tired this morning. The woman laughs to herself and looks forward. An OLD WOMAN, is in front of him wearing thick SUN GLASSES. M.c.'s phone vibrates again. His arms are tired. He sets down the coffee and looks at his phone. TEXT reads: WHERE ARE YOU? NEED GROCERIES AFTER COFFEE. He presses a button on the side of his phone. M.c. (CONT'D) You know what? Silence. (sighs) Much better. At this very moment, the group around him starts to WALK across the street.ui. As she SLOTHS across the street, her replaced right hip sends her into an angled trajectory. After three steps it's Clear: she is headed straight into traffic! M.C. Looks up from his phone. Oh no! He LEAPS towards the Old Woman, puts a hand on each of her shoulders. M.c. (CONT'D) Ohp! Here you go. OLD WOMAN Oh! Please don't hurt me! Old Woman frantically KNOCKS her SUN GLASSES off. Mc. No, I'm not... I won't- He releases his hands but keeps them hovering over her like a spiritual supervisor M.c. (CONT'D) I won't touch you, I'll just guide you like an angel. (pause) But not like you're going to heaven though. I'm sure you're very... fertile. They WALK across the street safely. The Old Woman continues on without a word M.c. (CONT'D) (sighs) Ungrateful old... He looks at his empty hands. He looks back across the street. M.c. (CONT'D) Great. We see a wide shot of M.C. RUNNING back across the street. OLD WOMAN (0.S.) Woopsies.12. INT. COFFEE SHOP - COFFEE IN AMERICA - MOMENTS LATER After a struggle, M.C positions the door in a way he can maneuver it open’ with his foot. He ENTERS the Coffee Shop - C.offee I.n A.merica. It seats eight people semi-comfortably. A few modest chairs and tables, are in front of a big windowsill. One older man, a regular customer, knits in the corner. M.C. is greeted by a 6'6 lanky high school barista. His name tag reads: ETHAN. ETHAN M.C. You're late! Mc. I know. They only had one barista working again. We see a wide shot of Ethan standing alone, shaking his head. ETHAN When are they gonna learn? Above Ethan, scribbled in chalk are three options: small - $2.00, Tall - $4.00, Treats - $3.50. Mc. Well... I think they just like it from a certain place. Just following orders. Ethan nods. M.C. looks over at the old man in the corner. M.c. (CONT'D) Ay, Muppay! Good looking... scarf? MUPPAY (lifting scarf) Thanks! It's fire-proof, too. M.C. WALKS towards the elevator. Mc. Looking good. He pushes his way through two, worn swinging doors and we see an astonishing elevator.13. We see a black interactive device sits just above his head It reads: RETINA SCANNER. For a moment M.C. struggles between trying to get his eyes to scanner level and balancing the box of coffee. A robotic voice, SSIMBA (SIM-BUH), is heard from the elevator. Super Smart Interactive Machine Beta Analyser. SSIMBA ACCESS DENIED. ACCESS DENIED. Mec. Seriously, SSIMBA? That's how it's going to be? OK. OK. M.c. turns his back to the elevator. Then he quickly turns and runs back, trying to catch it by surprise. SSIMBA ACCESS DENIED. Mc. Ugh! Ethan, door. M.C. emerges from the swinging doors and signals Ethan to open a door leading to a stairwell. ETHAN (holding door) Here you go Mr. Buckles. INT. COFFE SHOP STAIRCASE - CONTINUOUS ETHAN Good luck! And remember, keep a grin on your chin and you'll always win! M.c. grins. Ethan winks and closes the door and his grin disappears. M.C. WALKS down the stairs. After a few cautious steps, we see two horizontal red laser lines beaming across the bottom of the stairway14. Mc. (to himself) Trip wires? In the stair case... Really? INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS - MAIN HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER M.C. ENTERS using the same technique with his foot to get through the door. We see a close up of the coffee: spills and stains over almost every cup. He proceeds through the vast hallway, every few steps reveals a new door. Some are sizable, see-through glass doors and others are opaque. The first glass door on his left reads: AGENCY SEDUCTION i01. He STOPS. As M.C peers through the window, AGENT JAMISON(mid 30s), known around the office for his pearl teeth and flawless hair, rappels down on a long rope. His feet meet the ground with a soft kiss, next to AGENT RACEL(mid 308) serious, brunette. Jamison slowly cups his hand below her ear, his thumb on her ear lobe. It's pretty darn suave. M.C. pounds on the glass. Mc. Hey Jamison! Hey Rachel! Looking great! His voice is muffled through the glass. JAMISON (undecided accent) What? M.C. opens the door. Mec. I said- Jamison flips his hair. JAMISON (undecided accent) Just leave the coffee at the door. Mec. Oh... Okie dokie.15. He sets down the box and takes out a large vanilla bean frappucino with "JAMISON" written on the side. After that he sets down an iced tea with a big "R" on the front. He picks up the box and EXITS. We see Jamison picking up where he left off with Rachel. M.C. WALKS and soon STOPS at two big black doors: CAR CHASE SIMULATOR and AA, setting down a few drinks at each We hear TIRES SQUEALING and PEOPLE SOBBING as he passes. We see a few more doors as M.C continues on his coffee drop off. Examples: WEIGHT ROOM, EXPLOSIVES, SUPPLY ROOM, etc. He finally rounds the corner to the receptionist's desk INT. CIA HQ - RECEPTION DESK - CONTINUOUS He STOPS. He is greeted by a seated TINA (mid 20s) the receptionist, at fake enthusiasm and passive aggressiveness. This should be fun! TINA Mick. There you are! Mc. (to himself) M.c. TINA Mmm, I bet. Must have been some traffic, huh? Mec. Yeah there was only one barista for all these drinks, so it takes- TINA I'm sure it does, there are so many. I'm just glad you got them all... hopefully. Mc. Is there a reason I can't just get it from upstairs, or...? Tina looks directly at M.C., either searching for her next words or trying to decode his hidden message. We can't tell.16. TINA Right? Well, good thing it's only a few, short blocks away. Do you have the’ receipt? M.C. nods and searches through his pocket. Keys/change RATTLES. As he does, we see Tina's kayaking obsession. Pictures of kayaking trips decorating her desk. Tina raises from her seat, rummaging through the coffees. M.C. stops, realizing he doesn't have the receipt. TINA (CONT’D) (without looking up) Circle the date for me M.C. fakes a smile. Mc I seemed to have misplaced the receipt. Tina takes a moment to register what he has said, looking at his hands. She squints her face. He shivers. TINA Okay. Well... just go get the receipts and bring them back here as soon as you can. Tina sticks her hand in box of coffee. Mec. Oh. Before I forget, today I actually had to use my own money so if I could just get that- TINA Oh no!... I don't see any straws or sugar packets. Mc. (pause) Yeah, I was running late so I figured I would just grab some from upstairs... Or in the kitchen17. TINA (some coffee in arms) It's fine. I'm sure I will eventually find some in the break room... hopefully. She EXITS. He stands alone. M.c. I'l just come back later... with the receipt. He is about to exit, when his eyes light up. M.c. (CONT'D) No way... INT. CIA HQ - WOLFE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS WOLFE(mid 20s) 6'3, lean with an awkward swimmer body. An underbite on his exhausted face, and a more leisured delivery. He slouches at his desk, which is covered with empty SELTZER CANS and junk food WRAPPERS. His COMPUTER has several webpages open, the most visible one an interactive message box, displaying his long list of complaints. WOLFE (into phone) Hi... I'd like to file a complaint (pause) Yes... Yes, you see I was told you care about each member's individual experien- THUMP. Wolfe looks at his open door. WOLFE (CONT’D) Right... While I was there a week ago and I ran into a little prob- THUMP, THUMP. He stands. We hear a VOICE continue on the phone as he sets it down and WALKS towards the open door.18. INT. CIA HQ - MULTI-PURPOSE AREA - CONTINUOUS We see Wolfe, his hand on the door knob, though we cannot see the rest of the door. The multi-purpose room is deserted INT. CIA HQ - WOLFE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS As Wolfe CLOSES the door and WALKS back to his desk, we see M.c. is stuck against the door, like spider-man A moment passes. Mec. (imaginary hand gun) Hands in the air! Wolfe whips around and immediately HURLS an unopened SELTZER CAN at the intruder. M.C. deflects the can with his hand. M.c. (CONT'D) shit! M.C. tries to tug his hand and feet off of the door but they are stuck. M.c. (CONT'D) (relentless tugging) Quit harassing that sweet, old woman... for herpes... medica- son of a bee sting, I can't get down. (looking at Wolfe) She never loved you! Wolfe shakes his head. WOLFE Nice one, dude. Nailed it. M.c. Right? Wolfe picks the phone up. M.C. still struggles. WOLFE (hand over phone) Uhhmn yes... so I'll take a seltzer water and uh... snack of some kind You know, whenever you're free.19. Mc. (struggling) Oh stop... I'm not your- At this moment, M.C. yanks his left hand free from the door, and FALLS face first on the ground M.C. sees the seltzer rolling around M.c. (conr’D) How many of these things have you had? WOLFE (hand is off phone) Oh, okay... we're going there tough guy? Big dog stepping up to the plate? PHONE OPERATOR Sir, I didn't mean to offend you. I can’ give you a refund if that'd be okay? Mc A little help? Wolfe gives M.C the "one second" hand signal. WOLFE (phone to ear) No, not okay dude. I want my price... cut in half... M.C. continues to struggle. WOLFE (CONT’D) Yep... And my boy, he wants half off too. (thumbs up to M.c) Okay great, hang on one second Wolfe WALKS towards M.C. and they interlock hands. Wolfe tries to yank him off of his door like an old piece of gum WOLFE (CONT’D) (excruciating) Why... did you think...this was.. a good... idea? Mc. You're dislocating my pelvis!20. At this moment, a towering combination of muscle and hair gel RIPS open the door (It swings both ways if you know what I mean). Wolfe and M.C are sent FLYING backwards, toppling into a stack of CARDBOARD BOXES TANNER FOX (late 20s) is livid with Wolfe as he sweats in his sleeveless, V-neck. Two features that we can see were not originally part of the shirt's design TANNER Let me touch your eyes! Now! Wolfe WALKS to his desk. M.C. is still getting to his feet in the corner. WOLFE (terrible french) Escoozie? TANNER Sail away that S.S. Cooz-ee crap Where is my hand cream? I've been killing monkey bars and rope swing all day and now my eyes are killing me... (escalating) ...I can't find MY SPECIAL CONTACT SOLUTION! WOLFE Monkey bars? Rope swing? Sounds like you're training for the olympics or something TANNER Yeah, the special olympics. Beat. TANNER (CONT'D) If you were... doing... them (looks at M.c.) Idiot! (pause) Where is my solution? If I don't take these colored contacts out soon my cornea's could burn off. Mc. Why do you wear colored contacts?21. TANNER Umm, hello? Ever heard of, "Blue makes the babes wanna bone?" It's their top selling color. Tanner stares a Wolfe through Wolfe, who just nods. TANNER (CONT'D) Seriously? Ugh, fine. His eyes search the room one last time. Nothing TANNER (CONT'D) Losers. Tanner EXITS. M.C. walks to the middle of the doorway, SUCTION NOISES are heard from his feet. He CALLS to Tanner, who is almost out of sight. Mec Awesome three-man rescue last week by the way! Tanner STOPS. TANNER Who the hell are you and why do you think it's okay to talk to me? M.c. (pause) I'm’ M.c. I'm M.C. Buckles. TANNER Well Mr. Butt cheeks, I saw your secret agent door entrance. It sucked... If you were sneaking up on me, you'd be shot in the face like seven times by now and probably be dead. Tanner EXITS. M.C. turns back to Wolfe. M.C. nods, and prepares to leave. WOLFE (calls to M.c.) Seltzer? M.C. shakes his head and EXITS.22. Wolfe pulls out Tanner's contact solution WOLFE (CONT’D) (to himself) Dirt? Mmm no, too distinguishable (searches room) Vinegar? The phone is still on Wolfe's ear. WOLFE (CONT’D) (shouting) And some vodka! (to himself) This is gonna be awesome PHONE OPERATOR I'm glad to be of service. WOLFE Wait, what?... Oh, really? Hell yes. (pause) Yes, my step-brother will be thrilled. (pause) Time ‘to do a what now? Wolfe looks down at his desk. A thick packet of papers stapled together is marked "URGENT". WOLFE (CONT’D) Well, I ama little busy... Say what now? For free?... Well of course, I would love to do a survey for you. INT. CIA HQ - MULTI-PURPOSE AREA - CONTINUOUS M.C. is in sneak mode. He hums his secret agent song, “Dum, dum, dum-dum, dum- (a moment of silence to look around the corner)dum, dum-dum-dum. We pan up to see a large mirror, overlooking the multi-purpose room and zoom through the glass to see... INT. CIA HQ - PORTER'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Two powerful looking men: TERRANCE PORTER (50s), strong jaw line, thick body, and has the stance of a military officer while he scans outside the large window. Next to him is HAROLD PIGILESIAS (pronounced PEE-LAY-SEE-US)(50s), round and blubbery, sits drinking a warm glass of milk23. SILENCE fills the room. Porter breaks it with his a small chuckle. PORTER What an egotistical position PIGILESIAS What? You don't like it? PORTER The Creator? You don't think your heads just... (using thumb and index finger) -+.a little too far up your ass? PIGILESIAS (milk mustache) Ha-ha! The title is half the fun Terry... Don't you want to be something more than just, "Terrance Porter, Co-Director?"... And I'll have you know that I did my research. PORTER You thought of it while we were watching the Matrix! For the last three days all you kept saying was “How cool was The Architect?", "Why can't my name be something more like The Architect?" PIGILESIAS oh, please. Pigilesias sets down his milk and picks up a remote. The intro to DMX "X Gon' Give It To Ya" starts up with horns blaring. PORTER Turn that down, I'm trying to think! PIGILESIAS About what? Pigilesias turns down the music, thought we can still vaguely hear the beat. PORTER The numbers, what else would it be?24. Porter WALKS towards the wall, which has a projection on it. The projection reads: "CRIMES SOLVED" at the top. On the bottom, two vertical bars, one much bigger than the other. The left bar is FBI and the right is CIA. FBI has solved 534 crimes and CIA has solved only 377. PIGILESIAS Numbers, bumbers, lumbers. Blah, blah, blah. (then) We already talked about it. What more is there to think about? Porter uses a remote to flip the projector screen to look at profiles of different agents. PORTER What about Johnson? Why can't we use him again? He never remembers a damn thing. PIGILESIAS True. He isn't the brightest agent... Actually he isn't even close... But his average time spent on a mission that involves seduction is eight minutes flat. (pause) Ever since we started bugging him we can just... pay attention for him, He has actually gotten better at flirting too, since he doesn't get those painful concentration headaches now. Porter flips to the next slide. PORTER What about C.J.? He is a bit of a loose cannon. Maybe something like this would put him in his place I mean, he is the most deserving what with all the compromises we've made for him.25. PIGILESIAS Cesar Jesus? (HAY-SOOS) No, no, no. He may kill just about every person he has met on a case, but he also has killed every person we need dead. And he really, really enjoys it... He's one I'd rather not piss off. Porter flips the slide again PORTER And the twins? All they do is meaningless paper work? PIGILESIAS Who? Rainy and Cloudy? (pause) Yeah, I really think we should put them in harm's way. Both men try not to crack a smile. They can't resist, and their lips explode with a flood of laughter. A moment passes and they settle back down After a struggle, Pigilesias gets to his feet. He grabs his milk and both Porter and Pigilesias WALK over to the window. PORTER (0.S.) You really think these men will go for something so... idiotic? A wide shot of the entire multi-purpose room displays both M.C. and Wolfe. We see to M.C. towards the bottom-right corner of the screen washing an all-black Lamborghini. With the nozzle of the hose he first sings into it like a microphone but soon it is positioned in front of his crotch. He is dancing, singing, and all-around enjoying himself as well. Mec (yelling to Wolfe) Look, I'm R.Kelly! We shift focus to Wolfe. He sits towards the top-left of the screen, on a bench with paper towels laid out in front of him. On the paper towel is a bottle of Tanner's eye solution, which Wolfe is filling with a bottle of vodka, while laughing uncontrollably. Without looking back, Pigilesias aims the music remote behind him and clicks the song back on.26. Both men embrace the song. "X gon’ give it to ya, he gon give it to ya. X gon’ give it to ya..." INT. CIA HQ - MULTI-PURPOSE AREA - LATER Wolfe sits at the same bench, with M.C. and two twins, RAINY (28) and CLOUDY (28), standing close by. We can see why Borter and Pigilesias want to keep them around, as their outfits leave little to the imagination. (Note to reader: I want to show a distinct difference in women's outfits between the different agencies, I'm not a sleazy person.) WOLFE So then, Tanner will be like "Oh no... (fake squirting into eyes) -what's going on with my eyes Right? Like, like... "it burns! Get it? RAINY (shocked) But... that's his favorite bottle of solution. why would you do that? (chokes up) He is going to be sooo sad Cloudy comforts Rainy as they walk away cLoupy Don't worry Rainy, boys are just weird. They EXIT. M.C. looks at Wolfe. Mc. No we're not. M.C. starts picking up the paper towel. M.c. (CONT'D) I thought you nailed it bro WOLFE Right? The phone rings from inside Wolfe's office. WOLFE (CONT’D) (playing with bottle) Not here.27. The phone rings again. M.c. WOLFE (CONT’D) I'm not here! sighs, walks into the room and answers the phone. Mec. Hello? Oh, hey Tina. No, it's Mc (pause) glares at Wolfe. Wolfe misses the hint, as he acts out more of Tanner's possible reactions. M.c. M.c. (conr’D) -+.No, it is Wolfe's phone I just- (pause) No. No, not yet. I'll go get it as soon as I get a sec- M.c. (CONT'D) (pause) Right. Pretty busy. Okay. And the bathrooms? I just did those- (pause) Groceries? Ummm...Wait, what? (long pause) Okay. Alright, thanks. No, I won't forget. Okay, bye. Yup, bye. Bye steps out of Wolfe's office, flabbergasted WOLFE (looking at his bottle) What'd she want now? More expense reports? Ughh, Tina I don't have the expense reports done. Get over it already! Mc. No, it was Mr. Porter... he wants us'to... go into his office. WOLFE They look at each other nervously. WOLFE (CONT’D) Well, shit... Let's go see what he wants.28. INT. CIA HQ - OUTSIDE ELEVATOR - MOMENTS LATER Wolfe looks directly into SSIMBA's retina scanner. WOLFE SSIMBA, let me in. Now. They enter the elevator INT. CIA HQ - INSIDE ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS M.C. shivers. Wolfe cracks his neck SSIMBA Welcome Mr. Wolfe. Chipper as always. WOLFE Don't even bother with that attitude SSIMBA... Don't even bother. Wolfe pushes a button. The doors close. The elevator goes up. INT. CIA HQ - MR. PORTER'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER The door opens automatically. We see Porter and Pigilesias standing in the center of an extravagant room. They look menacing, though Pigilesias still holds that god damn cup of milk. PORTER (nods his head up) Men. Glad you could join us. Please come in. THUD. The door closes behind them. WOLFE T.P... (pivots head) ...Piggy-licious, pleasure to be here. PIGILESIAS For the last time it's PEE-LAY-SEE- us! (xegroups) But you can just call me The Creator. Wolfe gives him a look like "come on, seriously?".29. M.c lunges forward and takes a turn convulsing each of their hands. Mc It is an honor to be here. Before we start, I would love to lead the singing of our oath to the agency PORTER Oath? We don't have an oath. Mc I actually took the liberty of making one sir. M.C's body becomes perfectly straight and his hands fold behind his back as he jumps right into song M.c (CONT’D) (clears throat - sing) Oh My Fair Ay-gency/ How I will Stand For Thee/ (switching to baritone) Tears I Have Shed For You/ Blood I Shall Bleed- PORTER Okay, enough! (pause) um, thank you for that Mr. Buckles, but we... we have much more serious matters to discuss. We see Wolfe deliberately mouthing "The CREE-AY-TOR" over and over again as he avoids Pigilesias' stare. PORTER (CONT'D) (point to chairs) Alright men. Please have a seat There are three black chairs around a projector. They SIT. Pigilesias and Porter STAND behind them. Porter lifts the remote to turn on the projector. Music plays Usher's "I wanna make love in this club." Pigilesias spits out his milk. Porter fumbles with the remote. "In this club. In this-" Porter finally turns off the music. PORTER (CONT'D) Uhh, SSIMBA must be acting up again.30. Wolfe turns his head and gives a look to M.C that says “right", not believing a word Porter says. M.C is still lip- syncing the song. Porter picks up a new remote. The projector starts up with a black screen and then reads "CONFIDENTIAL" PORTER (CONT'D) Here we are men. Alright. Wait. Lights! The lights go out. Porter starts flipping through the projector. PORTER (CONT'D) Good. Now men, it has come to our attention that over the past few months you two have been hard at work Wolfe shoots a questioning glance at M.C, who is relieved to hear this news. PORTER (0.S.) (CONT'D) -+.doing everything we ask. Men Wolfe already has four fingers out and is lifts his pinky. He has counted Porter say the word "men" five times now. PORTER (CONT'D) Do you think we have been fair to you? WOLFE (instantly) Not at all. I hate it here. After like one day you stuck me at a computer and said look up this shit for me. "Sit in this corner all alone and put in this data." I haven't gotten to do one cool thing yet. PIGILESIAS On the first day we told you to go get the office some groceries. Instead, you hit someone with a company’ vehicle! WOLFE I told you it wasn't my fault. He wasn't in the crosswalk!a1. PIGILESIAS Maybe after you hit him! Porter clicks on a slide-show SILENCE fills the room for a few moments. PORTER Well, it has been a year. And we think you have done some maturing. (pivots) And what about you M.C? Have we been treating you fairly? Mc Well, I haven't been interning here very long... Last week, for my one month anniversary you let me throw a grenade. That was cool! Even though it didn't really work PIGILESIAS (whisper to Porter) Oh yeah, ha. We painted a potato grey... and told him it was a live grenade. Haha... When it splattered on the ground... (almost crying) -we said it must have been a dud Porter puts a hand to his mouth. After a moment, he lets out a sigh and clicks to the next slide. PORTER (0.S.) Well men, the data has never been more up-to-date and on point. The amount of time we spend on solving crimes has been cut in half M.C gives Wolfe a congratulatory elbow nudge. PORTER (CONT'D) The hot coffee, the washed vehicles, and the clean bathrooms have all’ been top-notch. (beat) Men, we've decided to give you two a... mission. M,C smiles and does a small dance. Wolfe looks questioning, with the pointer finger now raised for six or seven times Porter has said "men".32. MS of projector screen. M.C's profile pops up. PORTER (0.S.) (CONT'D) M.C, you have performed fairly... below average on our tests. To be honest, I think you still need to figure out how to put all your talent together. But Mr. Pigilesias said this my be a perfect opportunity to prove you have what it takes. Porter's monologue continues in the background Wolfe looks up at the top of the page. It reads "MARIAH CAREY BUCKLES". Wolfe leans in towards M.C. WOLFE Wait, your name is Mariah Carey? Mc (sighs) Yeah. It was before she blew up though. I was born in ‘89 and my mom was a local fan of Mariah's. Ma thought she'd just be an underground hit, but then she had to go have a Vision of Love CU of projector screen and Porter's voice kicks back in. PORTER (0.S.) Which brings us to Wolfe. The projector slide clicks over and we say a picture of Wolfe looking higher than a kite. Above his head reads "JAMES SUTHERLAND BOND". Porter's monologue continues in the background M.C squints at the screen. Mc Wait. Bond? As in (Bond impression) Bond, James Bond. You're his son?33. WOLFE One of many I'm sure. I go by Jamie Milovy. Porter just loves to bring it up whenever possible. He loves to say I'm not "living up to my potential. M.c But you... I mean... PORTER Men. I'm terribly sorry. Am I interrupting something? M.C freezes in fear. Wolfe laughs. WOLFE No, sir. Us men are listening sir PORTER Good. That's what I like to hear CUT back to projector screen. It clicks throughout following speech. PORTER (CONT'D) Now men, we have a basic retrieval mission’ for you. Slide click. PORTER (CONT'D) We have Raphinon Muchachi. A civilian, and friend of Tanner's. Apparently, Tanner decided he wanted to Show off to his high school rival "Mooch." Slide click. High school photo PORTER (CONT'D) Muchachi and Tanner went to high school together. Tanner said he wanted to rub it in Mooch's face that he was a spy now and that Mooch had... Porter pauses and makes a disgusted face to himself and begins to quote Tanner34. PORTER (CONT'D) -+."And Mooch had peaked in high school and the only reason they won the state title without him was because Mooch was juicing... and was gay. Porter lets out a groan, his head throbbing from using Tanner's logic. He looks over at Pigilesias, who is sleeping PORTER (CONT'D) Anyway men, the point is, Tanner sent his buddy some pictures of how cool he is now. Clicks slide: Tanner is standing over a group of people he has knocked out. He looks super pumped PORTER (CONT'D) .+.And ended up sending Mr.Muchachi somewhere between 10 and 20 top secret pictures in his phone. Quite simply, we need them back. Porter clicks the next slide. PORTER (CONT'D) We need you two to find him and bring his phone back to us. We don't know what he has or hasn't done with the pictures, and we need to make sure they don't get into the wrong hands. Porter perks back up. He clicks to the last slide which reads, "THE END. ~porterhouse productions" PORTER (CONT'D) So, Tina will have the file on Muchachi for you downstairs and will tell you what to do next Lights! The lights shoot on, jolting Pigilesias who spills the last 1/4 of his milk on the carpet. M.C and Wolfe get up out of their seat and head for the door. PORTER (CONT'D) And men... Wolfe tries to recount all the times Porter has said men35. PORTER (CONT'D) Don't mess this up. WOLFE Mc (to himself) Yes sir! Eight? The doors shut behind them. Porter turns around to Pigilesias, who is slowly coming back to life. PORTER Seriously? PIGILESIAS What? PORTER I had to do the whole presentation by myself. PIGILESIAS I told you, I'm The Creator, not The Explainer. (then) It seemed like it went well last line gave me goosebumps. Besides... you nailed it. That Porter smiles. PORTER Now clean that up. I don't want my carpet to get all... soggy PIGILESIAS (dabbing the carpet) The important thing is, the plan is in place... Now where is the remote?