Meeting Your Spouse's Need for Love

Learning to speak your partner's love language will enhance your communication and strengthen your relationship. Success in business, education or sports will not satisfy the longing of the human heart for emotional love. When emotional love evaporates, marriages slip into fall and then winter. Conversely, when emotional love is rekindled, the warm breezes of spring and summer return to the marriage. want to focus on the nature of emotional love as it relates to marriage. !his has the potential to change the emotional climate of your marriage. t all begins with "the tingles." n the normal course of life, we meet someone who catches our attention. !here is something about the way he or she looks, talks or acts that gives us a warm tingly feeling inside. !he tingles are what motivate people to go out with each other. Sometimes, on the first date, we lose the tingles. We find out something intolerable about the other person and the tingles dissipate. #ut with some people, every time we get together, it $ust gets tinglier and tinglier. %ventually, we find ourselves emotionally obsessed. We're &uite certain that he or she is the most wonderful person we've ever met. %veryone else will see the flaws, but we won't. 'ur parents may say, "(ave you considered that he hasn't had a steady $ob in five years)" #ut we'll respond, "*ive him a break. (e's $ust waiting for the right opportunity." 'ur friends may ask, "(ave you considered that she's been married five times before)" #ut we'll respond, "!hose other guys were losers. !his woman deserves to be happy, and 'm going to make her happy." !his stage of a romantic relationship can best be described as emotional obsession. We can't get the other person off our minds. We go to bed thinking about him, and we wake up thinking about him. +ll day long, we wonder what she's doing. !alking with her is the highlight of our day, and we want to spend as much time with her as possible. !his obsession leads to irrational thoughts such as, I'll never be happy unless we are together forever. Nothing else in life really matters. n this stage of love, differences are minimized or denied. +ll we know is that we're happy, we've never been happier, and we intend to be happy for the rest of our lives. !his euphoric stage of love does not re&uire a lot of effort. We are swept along by a river of positive emotions. We are willing to do almost anything for the benefit of the other person. t is during this time of emotional obsession that most people get married. !hey anticipate that they will continue to have these euphoric feelings for each other forever. !hey fail to understand that emotional obsession is only the initial stage of romantic love. ,-sychologist and researcher .orothy !ennov, in her classic book Love and Limerance, concluded that the average duration of this initial euphoria is two years./ When we come down off the emotional high, we must make the transition to the ne0t stage of love, which is much more intentional and re&uires a conscious effort to meet the emotional needs of the other person. 1any couples fail to make this transition. nstead, they get the tingles for someone else, divorce and remarry, repeating the cycle with another mate. Si0ty percent of those who remarry will e0perience a second divorce. +nd if perchance they try again, the divorce rate for third marriages is 23 percent. !he importance of learning how to make the transition from the obsessive stage to the intentional stage of love should be obvious. 4ust because we stay in a relationship does not mean that emotional love will continue to flow. !he second stage of love is truly different from the first. !he obsessive feelings we had for each other begin to fade, and we recognize other important pursuits in life besides pursuing each other. !he illusions of perfection evaporate, and the words of our parents and friends return to our minds5 "(e hasn't had a steady $ob in five years." "She's been married five times before." We start to wonder how we could have been so blind to reality. .ifferences in personality, interests and lifestyle now become obvious, whereas before we hardly noticed. !he euphoria that led us to put each other first and to focus on each other's well6being has now dissipated, and we begin to focus on ourselves and to realize that our spouse is no longer meeting our needs.

We begin to re&uest 7 and then demand 7 things from our mate, and when he or she refuses to meet our demands, we withdraw or lash out in anger. 'ur anger or withdrawal pushes our mate further away and makes it more difficult for him or her to e0press love to us. Can such tarnished relationships be reborn) !he answer is yes 7 a if couples become aware of the nature of love and learn how to e0press love in a language their mate can understand. *ood intentions are not enough. We must also learn how to meet our spouse's emotional need for love. -eople are different. What makes one person feel loved will not necessarily make another person feel loved. #y nature, we tend to e0press love to others in the way we wish they would e0press love to us. When our spouse doesn't respond positively to our e0pressions of love, we get frustrated. !he problem is not the sincerity of our love8 the problem is that we are speaking the wrong love language. f we speak our own love language but not our mate's, we will fail to communicate. am often asked to e0plain the popularity of my book The Five Love Languages. believe that the book has been successful because it has helped people learn to make the transition from obsessive love to intentional love8 it has taught people how to discover and speak their spouse's love language and thus keep emotional love alive in their relationship. 9egardless of which season your marriage is now in, learning to speak your partner's love language will enhance your communication, fill your spouse's love tank and strengthen your relationship. f your marriage is in fall or winter, learning to speak your spouse's love language

Discovering Your Spouse's Love Language

'ne of the simplest ways to discover your spouse's love language is to listen to his or her complaints. f the key to meeting your spouse's need for emotional love is learning to speak his or her love language, how can you discover what that love language is) t's simple. Listen to your spouse's complaints. (ere are five common complaints and the love language that each reveals5 ":ou mean you didn't bring me anything) .id you even miss me while you were gone)" ,receiving gifts/ "We never spend any time with each other anymore. We're like two ships passing in the dark." ,&uality time/ " don't think you would ever touch me if didn't initiate it." ,physical touch/ " can't do anything right around here. +ll you ever do is criticize. can never please you." ,words of affirmation/ " f you loved me, you would do something around here. :ou never lift a finger to help." ,acts of service/ !ypically, when our spouse complains, we get irritated. #ut he or she is actually giving us valuable information. Complaints often reveal the key to our spouse's inner longing for emotional love. f we learn our mate's primary love language 7 and speak it 7 we will have a happier spouse and a better marriage. #ut what if your spouse's primary love language is something that isn't easy for you to do) What if you're not a touchy6feely person but your spouse's primary love language is physical touch) !he answer is simple, though not necessarily easy5 :ou learn to speak the language of physical touch. :ou learn to speak a new love language by trying. +t first it might be very difficult, but the second time will be easier, and the third time even easier. %ventually, you can become proficient in speaking your mate's love language8 and if he or she reciprocates by speaking your language, the two of you will keep emotional love alive in your marriage. 1y files are filled with letters from people who tell me that learning their spouse's primary love language revolutionized their marriage. ;or e0ample, 9ick, a <<6year6old truck driver who has been married for => years, wrote, "+fter discovered ?my wife's@ love language, it helped me to understand why she had been saying that didn't love her. knew loved her, and told her all the time. !he problem was that her love language is acts of service, and never did anything to help her around the house. guess followed my dad's e0ample 7 but then 1om and .ad never had a very good marriage,

either. Aow try to do things for #renda when 'm home. t has made a great difference in our marriage." 9ick's wife, #renda, wrote, "We were having serious problems and were talking about separating. B !hen 9ick and started talking about our relationship. learned that his love language is words of affirmation. (ere had been criticizing him because didn't feel loved by him, but all along was only making him feel worse and didn't know it. Aow he speaks my language and speak his. We went from a very wintry season to a warm spring or summer season." Cnderstanding your spouse's primary love language 7 and learning to speak it 7 can make a world of difference in your marriage. What if your spouse is unwilling to read a book about marriage or discuss your marriage) With marriages in the fall and winter seasons, this is often the case. 'ne spouse becomes concerned enough about the marriage to read a book, attend a seminar or go for counseling, while the other spouse is unwilling to do anything. !his is when unconditional love becomes e0ceedingly important. t is easy to love your spouse when your spouse is loving you. t is easy to say kind words to your spouse when he or she is treating you kindly. #ut even if your spouse is unwilling to try or to reciprocate, unconditional love means that you will choose to love your spouse in his or her primary love language. +lthough unconditional love is difficult, it is the kind of love that *od has for us. 9omans 35D says that *od loved us "while we were still sinners" and sent Christ to die for us. Scripture also says that we love *od "because he first loved us" ,= 4ohn E5=F/. !herefore, when you choose to love your spouse unconditionally, you are following *od's e0ample. +nd if you ask *od, (e will give you the ability to do it. n 9omans 353 the apostle -aul says, "*od has poured out his love into our hearts by the (oly Spirit." Likewise, when you pour out your love by speaking your spouse's love language, you are doing the most emotionally powerful thing you can do. :our spouse desperately needs emotional love from you. +s your spouse's love tank begins to fill, there is a good chance that he or she will begin to reciprocate. + full love tank creates a positive atmosphere in which you and your spouse can talk about your differences more easily and negotiate solutions to your conflicts. have seen many hard, cold men and women melt when they begin to receive love in their love language. Love is the most powerful weapon in the world for good. t can thaw the coldest of winters and bring the blossoms of spring to your marriage. Helping families thrive with the support of friends like you. may be the key to turning your marriage around and heading forward into spring and summer.

Understanding the Five Love Languages

What are the five basic ways that people express emotional love?
+fter <G years as a marriage counselor, am convinced that there are five basic love languages 7 five ways to e0press love emotionally. %ach person has a primary love language that we must learn to speak if we want that person to feel loved. Words of Affirmation 'ne time when my wife and were visiting our daughter and son6in6law and our two grandchildren, our son6in6law took the garbage out after dinner. When he walked back into the room where we were talking with our daughter, she looked up and said, "4ohn, thanks for taking the garbage out." nside said, ":esH" because knew the power of appreciation. can't tell you how many men and women have sat in my office over the past <G years and said to me, " work my tail off every day, yet my spouse acts like haven't done a thing. never get a single word of appreciation."

f your spouse's primary love language is words of affirmation, your spoken praise and appreciation will fall like rain on parched soil. #efore long, you will see new life sprouting in your marriage as your spouse responds to your words of love. Acts of Service .o you remember the old saying, "+ctions speak louder than words") ;or some people, that is particularly true of love. f acts of service is your spouse's primary love language, nothing will speak more deeply to him or her emotionally than simple acts of service. 1a0ine, who had been married for =3 years, came to my office one day because she was frustrated with her marriage. Listen to what she said5 " don't understand .avid. %very day he tells me that he loves me, but he never does anything to help me. (e $ust sits on the couch watching !I while wash the dishes, and the thought never crosses his mind to help me. 'm sick of hearing ' love you.' f he loved me, he would do something to help me." 1a0ine's primary love language is acts of service ,not words of affirmation/, and even though her husband, .avid, loved her, he had never learned to e0press his love in a way that made her feel loved. (owever, after .avid and talked and he read The Five Love Languages, he got the picture and started speaking 1a0ine's love language. n less than a month, her love tank was beginning to fill up, and their marriage moved from winter to spring. !he ne0t time talked to 1a0ine, she said, " t's wonderful. wish we had come for counseling =G years ago. never knew about the love languages. $ust knew didn't feel loved." Receiving Gifts n every society throughout human history, gift giving has been perceived as an e0pression of love. *iving gifts is universal, because there is something inside the human psyche that says if you love someone, you will give to him or her. What many people do not understand is that for some people, receiving gifts is their primary love language. t's the thing that makes them feel loved most deeply. f you're married to someone whose primary love language is gift giving, you will make your spouse feel loved and treasured by giving gifts on birthdays, holidays, anniversaries and "no occasion" days. !he gifts need not be e0pensive or elaborate8 it's the thought that counts. %ven something as simple as a homemade card or a few cheerful flowers will communicate your love to your spouse. Little things mean a lot to a person whose primary love language is receiving gifts. Quality Time f your spouse's love language is &uality time, giving him or her your undivided attention is one of the best ways you can show your love. Some men pride themselves on being able to watch television, read a magazine, and listen to their wives, all at the same time. !hat is an admirable trait, but it is not speaking the love language of &uality time. nstead, you must turn off the !I, lay the magazine down, look into your mate's eyes, and listen and interact. !o your spouse, >G minutes of your undivided attention 7 listening and conversing 7 is like a >G6minute refill of his or her love tank. 1en, if you really want to impress your wife, the ne0t time she walks into the room while you are watching a sporting event, put the television on mute and don't take your eyes off her as long as she's in the room. f she engages you in conversation, turn the !I off and give her your undivided attention. :ou will score a thousand points and her love tank will be overflowing. Physical Touch We have long known the emotional power of physical touch. !hat's why we pick up babies and touch them tenderly. Long before an infant understands the meaning of the word love, he or she feels loved by physical touch.

n marriage, the love language of physical touch includes everything from putting a hand on your mate's shoulder as you walk by, touching his or her leg as you're driving together, and holding hands while you're walking to kissing, embracing and se0ual intercourse. f physical touch is your spouse's primary love language, nothing communicates love more clearly than for you to take the initiative to reach out and touch your mate.

The Role of Friendship in Marriage

eghan and !ete fell madly in love at their small idwestern college. "hen they weren't in class# or working their respective $obs# they spent every waking moment together. %fter $ust a few months# the couple began to dance around the sub$ect of marriage. % year later they made a commitment to one another before &od and their friends and families. The married couple moved to "ashington# '.(.# where eghan started a prestigious internship on (apital Hill# and !ete waited tables while saving for medical school. In spite of the busyness of life# the two loved the newness of marriage and their friendship with one another. Flash forward fifteen years) eghan and !ete have four young children. eghan left her $ob as a *enator's aid eight years ago to raise their newborn son. !ete# now a doctor# works long hours at a large teaching hospital in +ethesda# aryland. "hile the two are active together in ministry at their church# they have lost the fire of friendship that once defined their relationship. They work hard to keep up with schedules# work# finances# church activities and taking care of the home , it is not uncommon for them to go a week or more without having a mere ten minute conversation about anything other than a recollection of events. %t the suggestion of another (hristian couple they've instituted a -date night- once a week. ore often than not# however# this practice has fallen victim to the tyranny of the urgent. !he word "friendship" con$ures up thoughts of honesty, vulnerability, companionship, and mutual respect. t also implies a certain outlaying of time and energy. C.S. Lewis said of friendship5 " t is when we are doing things together that friendship springs up 7 painting, sailing ships, praying, philosophizing, and fighting shoulder to shoulder. ;riends look in the same direction." 1eghan and -ete's close friendship in college was very real, but after fifteen years they are no longer looking in the same direction. ndeed, in many ways, they have grown to be very different people. "1arriage without friendship cannot work in our culture," says #ill (anawalt, who has conducted pre6 marital and marital counseling for <G years as the e0ecutive pastor of the Iineyard Christian Church of %vanston, l. ";riendship has to be nourished and nurtured regularly or it faces the danger of becoming a business relationship. have seen many distant and business6like marriages where careers have developed and children have come into the picture, and the priority of emotional connection has been left to die on the vine. Couples that don't give attention to developing their friendship often come apart. t also creates an opening for marital infidelity." *lenn Stanton, an e0pert on marriage at ;ocus on the ;amily and a husband and father of five children, echoes this sentiment. (e says that a weakened friendship can lead a spouse to seek intimacy in other places. "When the lu0ury of being friends with one another takes a back seat, friendships that are deep and intimate can develop in other places resulting in emotional, and even physical, adultery," says Stanton. "!hese kinds of friendships are obviously easier. Cnlike your spouse, the other party has the lu0ury of being transparent and real without all of the other encumbrances and responsibilities of your family's life. We have no problem calling deep emotional intimacy between a spouse and another of the opposite se0 wrong, however, if we're investing emotional capital in a same6se0 relationship at the peril of the marriage, then that this also dangerous. " n marriage the final answer is am investing more emotional energy into husband than am in a friend or child) 'r, where is it that 'm investing most of my emotional energy)"

+ lapsed friendship can be restored with intentionality, sacrifice, perseverance, and especially prayer. + good first step is to find activities that you like to do together 7 and then make the time do it. "+nd simply be together," says Stanton. "4esus went off by (imself to be &uiet with his ;ather. 1ake this a time when you're not doing and running around, but that you're $ust being together." -ete and 1eghan have taken small steps toward this end. !hough -ete works long hours, he takes time during the day to call home and see how 1eghan is faring with the children. f he's working late, she'll bring dinner to the hospital because she knows he hates hospital food. !heir date nights no longer fall prey to the tyranny of the urgent. !hey take the time to get together weekly, not only to catch up with each others activities, but to check in on their friendship.

reating !ntimacy and Friendship in Marriage

!f you and your spouse are growing apart" you may have overloo#ed an important piece of the intimacy pu$$le% friendship&
by Debra Evans

ompanionship
When you hear the word companion# what does the term signify to you) *iven the dictionary's definition of a companion as "somebody who accompanies you, spends time with you, or is a friend," do you currently see you and your husband companionably drawing together or separately drifting apart) +uthor Sheldon Ianauken warns5 n *enesis >5=D, we hear these words echo across the centuries, still vitally relevant to our relationships today5 "!he L'9. *od said, ' t is not good for the man to be alone. will make a helper suitable for him.JK Consider that the (ebrew word for helper is e.er L remarkably, the same word used in -salm ==D525 "!he L'9. is with me8 he is my helper ,ezer/." Meeping this idea in mind reinforces the essential role we play within our sacred partnership. !he blessing of friendship and tenderness in marriage honors this unchanging truth5 A wife's loving companionship was designed by God to meet her husband's number one relationship need %valuate your level of intimacy with your husband, then consider whether you might have been neglecting your husband's needs for affection, comfort, and camaraderie. +sk your husband what he would like to e0perience with you in this area. !alk about your observations with each other. 9eflect on times you have felt closest to your husband L what made the difference) What are your e0pectations concerning your husband's friendship today) s spending time with him fulfilling or disappointing) Why) (ave you had a night or weekend away alone together in the past year) What about the possibility of setting up regularly scheduled dates so you can spend time giving one another your undivided attention) f your husband seems less energized about this idea than you are, go back to the drawing board5 Meep praying, asking for *od's guidance and wisdom about how your marriage friendship can best be strengthened and renewed right now. Whether you prefer a special night out that involves dressing up and making reservations at an e0clusive restaurant, or an evening of fishing in a canoe, spending time together is what counts. *etting out alone, away from the dishes, the laundry, the bills, and the kids L even for a brief time L can do your relationship a world of good. t may seem like a big effort at first, especially if you're not used to spending a few hours a week away from work and family responsibilities. #ut encourage you to make this effort. +s your bond is renewed by your commitment to regularly schedule time alone together, your entire relationship will likely be refreshed. .on't be discouraged if you meet with some resistance from your husband at first. -lenty of couples struggle with their "what want to do tonight" differences. 'utside the bedroom, it isn't always easy to

find common ground in which to plant the seeds of marital intimacy and friendship. %ven so, be patient8 please don't give up. n time, you likely will reap a colorful harvest.

'iscovery in (ur 'ifferences

+t this point you may be wondering whether the effort will be worth it. While can't make any absolute promises, can speak from my own three6decades6plus e0perience. (ere's why5 1y husband and began our married life together without any shared hobbies and with many divergent interests. (e wanted to go to baseball games8 preferred going to the ballet. was an avid reader8 he spent most of his free time playing basketball or the guitar. (e rarely stepped foot inside the house if the sun was shining8 thrived indoors, regardless of the weather. +nd so on and so forth. +fter we celebrated our first anniversary, wondered if we had enough in common to make our marriage work. nitially, our mutual attraction to one another had been enough. Clearly, we needed something more to strengthen and deepen our bond. %ven though was uncertain about the outcome, began praying. asked *od to strengthen our marriage and opened my heart to (is leading in the daily details of our married life together. !hough am still learning ,and praying/, can now look back over the years and see a beautiful theme emerging5 n learning to respect and even appreciate one another's differences, my husband and no longer feel threatened by those parts of ourselves that are "apart," or different, from each other. #ecause both of us have repeatedly been willing to go outside our dissimilar comfort zones L he occasionally attending the ballet or "chick flick" with me8 going to see baseballNfootballNbasketballNhockey games with him, for e0ample L our well6weathered companionship has become more interesting and richly te0tured, allowing us both to grow together as a couple and as individuals. !he blessing of friendship L the willingness to prefer my husbandJs companionship above all others L has helped me be more tender toward the man now know better and appreciate more than anyone else in the world.

Twelve )teps to a 'eeper Friendship With *our )pouse

Friendship is one of the most important components to marriage&
by Alyson Weasley

1arriage, like any friendship, begins with areas of commonality, but the stresses of normal everyday life 7 children, work, finances, illness, caring for elderly parents 7 can ta0 the union and cause it to grow apart. !raditional marriage counseling is one way to deepen your friendship, but you can also engage in some simple practices. (ere are => suggestions to cultivate a stronger relationship with your spouse. 've also included &uotes from average folks that have successfully built this kind of friendship5
1. Recognize that friendship building takes a lot of work and ti e. !ut the fat out of your day.

-"e've made some significant concessions for the sake of our friendship. !hil lives close to his work so that he can come home for lunch as often as possible. The short commute has improved his mood and energy.- L+my
". Establish a ti e each week to spend #uality ti e together then guard that ti e with your lives$ %. !hoose to spend ti e together rather than apart. &his ay ean sacrificing good things for a season such as s all groups' inistry' or bonding ti e with guys or gals. (. E)plore the interests of your spouse be it baseball' art' usical theater' gardening or hunting. *ind out what they are passionate about and then +oin the . ,ften this takes a bit of sacrifice.

-I intentionally study the things that are having an influence on my wife. If she takes up a new area of interest# or is reading a new book# than I need to do that as well.- L#ill
-. &ake ti e to find co on interests and then engage in the .

-"e've tried many things together over the past /0 years. "e en$oy cooking and gardening# and for as long as I can remember we take time away from the kids to backpack during summer. !art

of the fun is doing research on hiking trails# camp sites# packs# tents# and cooking stoves 1 it's the planning together that has grown our friendship.- L4ohn
.. /se conflict to sharpen and purify friendship.

-I thought I was particularly fortunate because my husband and I rarely argued 2 we agreed on almost everything. The process of recovering from adultery revealed unhealthy communication on both our parts. Now we have more disagreements# but they come about because we're being honest with one another# which is helping us get to know each other more all the time.- L+ndi
0. 1ourish and care for one another. 2e gentle with one another.

-"e lost our first child. "e more than comforted one another. "e held each other 1 lifted one another up 1 and we knew at a deep level that our best friend in the world was going through the same thing.- L*lenn
3. Accountability and utual respect' including in the areas of se)uality' finances' and relationships' should be priorities.

- y wife knows everything about my brokenness. I have gone to her first in difficult situations. There's a small circle of people who know me and know my depravity. y wife is in that circle. Having that transparency has given me strength# clarity# and tremendous freedom.- L*eorge
4. Establish daily habits' especially praying together.

-!raying together every morning not only sets the tone for our day# and releases the burdens on our hearts# but it puts us on the same page in so many areas. &od meets us in the midst of our friendship every morning.- L4ustine
15. Affir one another every day. 2e intentional in co unicating the other6s strengths.

- y wife and I make it a habit to regularly communicate those things we admire or value in the other. This practice has strengthened our friendship.- L+l
11. 2e transparent with one another.

-3ne activity I suggest to married couples is# at some point during the day# identify an emotional reality to your spouse. Label that feeling in a self2disclosing way such as 'I'm angry# fearful# resentful.' "e often limit our conversation to the reporting of events rather than communicating how we really feel.- L#ill
1". !o unication. 7ost e)perts agree that regular co weathers the stor s of life. unication builds a friendship that

-For us# communication# in part# is negotiating the rules that will make our relationship work better or flow more smoothly. For e4ample# $ust recently# I had the implicit assumption that my bike tools should be placed on the kitchen table. y wife# %nnie# challenged this assumption# and conflict arose. +y the end of our negotiation# we had made a new rule) bike tools do not ever go on the kitchen table. It sounds silly# but her demand felt like a threat to how I operate# and therefore a threat to my personhood# my masculinity. In that encounter I had to learn that I was no less 5ason# no less a man# no less a person# to concede to my wife's demands that certain spaces are set aside for certain purposes. y personhood goes beyond and deeper than that.- L4ason

Recovering Friendship in the Wa#e of +ro#en Trust

They remained the best of friends or so Ruthie thought. by Alyson Weasley

!hey were close friends first, having met in a fellowship group, then playing in a college Christian rock band. Somewhere in the mi0 9uthie and 4acob fell in love and three and half years later married and moved to 1assachusetts. (e worked from home as a building manager, she as a social worker. !hey remained the best of friends B or so 9uthie thought. Ae0t door neighbors, 1ark and Chrissie, provided the bulk of their Christian fellowship in the largely secular city of #oston. So when Chrissie started struggling with depression, 9uthie encouraged 4acob,

who was home during the day, to reach out. "She was vulnerable, and basically gave her my husband," said 9uthie. +ccording to 4acob, he and Chrissie spent a lot of time talking. "+t first it was an emotional relationship based on her need and my concern," said 4acob "Within a year, however, it turned physical." Cnbeknownst to 9uthie, the relationship would carry on for three years. " thought everything was fine," said 9uthie. " felt like we had a good marriage and we were good friends on all levels." When 4acob finally did confess the relationship, her world crumbled. "!he betrayal was incomprehensible to me," said 9uthie. " don't know what felt worse, that my best friend had stabbed me in the heart, or that encouraged it." ";or both of us, there was no &uestion whether or not to salvage the relationship," said 4acob. "We decided we would do whatever we could to repair the friendship and honor the commitment we made to each other and *od." "We also committed to the process of reconciliation because we saw value in each other and in our relationship," said 9uthie. "Aeither of us could imagine living without the other. remember telling 4acob that loved him in the midst of horrible, painful, tearful conversations." !he first act 4acob and 9uthie took was to spend a week in the Colorado wilderness. t was a time of simply being together and building new memories. !hey spent a lot of time talking and crying. 4acob and 9uthie did all the right things to repair their shattered friendship. !hey went into marriage counseling and found support from their church. " don't think we would have made it without professional help," said 9uthie. "We learned how to communicate, and we learned about the brokenness and behavior patterns we brought into the marriage. Clearly there were issues that had lain dormant for years." !he couple also cleared their lives of all time commitments outside of work, "We needed intense face time," said 9uthie. "We had to face deep, painful and uncomfortable things about one another, and we had to do it alone. "4acob said over and over to me through tears, ' can't be trusted.' checked in every day to see if he was being honest and faithful. policed his nternet use. !his kind of e0ercise fueled my suffering. ;inally my counselor told me that 4acob needed someone else to monitor his thoughts and activities. (e entered into a transparent accountability relationship with our pastor." 9uthie knew she also needed accountability, a compassionate ear, and encouragement. + mature Christian woman from her church stepped forward and provided that support. "4acob and became a lot more intentional about reading the #ible, said 9uthie. "We read it out loud every night, and we prayed every morning together. +nd seven years later we still doH 'ur prayers then were cries of desperation8 we knew we wouldn't make it without 4esus in the mi0." " didn't know who was anymore," said 4acob. " was dependent on *od for everything. %very step that actually worked was a miracle and knew that *od was in it. *od also gave me patience. 1y wife turned into an angry, bitter woman and didn't know if and when she would ever heal from the wound inflicted." 'n the se0ual front, 9uthie did not know how she was ever going to be naked in front of her husband again. "We took small steps toward intimacy," she said. !he betrayal took a long time to get over." t would be years before she didn't think of Chrissie during their most intimate moments. !he couple credits the affair and its aftermath with the creation of a transparent, vulnerable and rock solid friendship. !hese are the hallmarks of their relationship today5

&hey spend significant 8face ti e8 together' taking care to connect when life gets hectic. &hey6ve ade a habit out of thanking one another for the undane' such as doing the dishes or taking out the trash. &hey engage in little every day kindnesses. &hey serve the other at every turn. &hey are accountable to one another.

&hey6ve found any co on passions and they engage in the 9esus is the center of their arriage.

regularly.

4acob and 9uthie remain best friends.

Money Management in Marriage

by *ocus on the *a ily

#arbara was tired. She had no idea that merging wants, needs and desires in marriage would be such a challenge. She and her husband had overcome many challenges, but their greatest ongoing problems surrounded money. (er spouse was a spender, she was a saver8 she liked to balance the checkbook to the last penny, her husband hadn't entered anything in the register in years. !he result was numerous volatile eruptions and conflict that both she and her spouse wanted to avoid. t shouldn't have been a surprise. %0perts agree that finances can be the number one cause of marital strain. t's understandable that financial struggles can cause strain because how people spend money is never $ust about the moneyLit reveals attitudes about what you value most8 it reveals deeper character issues. !hese are some of the reasons blending financial habits can be very challenging. #ut there is hopeH n this series of articles, we've provided great ideas to help you and your spouse make your marriage stronger by tackling the issue of money management in marriage.

Money and Marriage

Money is a common cause of friction for married couples" and it,s no wonder&
fro !rown *inancial 7inistries For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh :;enesis "<"(=. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate :7atthew 14<.=.

1oney is one of the ma$or causes of friction in a marriage, and it's no wonder. Living in a world in which we are constantly worried about taking care of ourselves, it's easy to forget that marriage is a commitment to forge a new life with another person. !he lack of trust emerging from society has created prenuptial agreements and separate bank accounts. !hese undermine the commitment to a shared life with a spouse and are contrary to biblical teachings. Whenever financial issues begin to get out of hand in a marriage, the first thing to do is to pray about them. !here is no substitute for *od's answer. Second, you might try using a marriage counselor who is trained to help couples resolve issues diplomatically.

(urs" -ot Mine

+ husband's and wife's incomes in marriage should be merged and shared. Someone should be in charge of keeping a budget for the household, and whatever funds there are should be held mutually. !his will re&uire a lot of faith in the Lord, as well as in your spouse.

onclusion
.on't forget to ask *od what (e wants you to do with your money. (e made you stewards over your finances for a purpose, so you should always remember to ask what (is plans are. 1any blessings can come from appropriate money management in marriage.

.od,s Minimum Financial )tandards for ouples

.od,s Word contains basic principles to govern every aspect of marriage" including finances&
fro !rown *inancial 7inistries

!he Word of *od has basic principles that govern every aspect of marriage, including (is minimum financial standards.

+lthough often these biblical principles are in marked contrast with the world's ideas concerning money, if couples will dedicate themselves to living by *od's principles they will avoid many potential financial problems.

The (/M /rinciple

!he primary financial principle taught to married couples by the world's financial institutions is called 3! # or 3ther !eople's oney. (owever, this principle is nothing more than a credit mentality and a credit standard 66 the ability to borrow that allows couples to buy things they really cannot afford to buy. !his principle works great during the early years of marriage, because it allows couples to accumulate a lot of things they otherwise cannot afford to buy. Cnfortunately, there always comes a day of reconciliation, when the bills for all those things comes due. #efore they realize it, because they built too much too &uickly, using too much debt, married couples find themselves in debt far beyond their ability to repay.

.od,s Minimum )tandards

*od re&uires minimum financial standards of finance in marriage for (is people. f couples establish these minimum standards and determine to make them an essential part of their financial management, they will, without a doubt, lay a strong foundation for a healthy and balanced marriage. !he following are four primary minimum standards of finance found in *od's Word that all couples are encouraged to adopt. =. God owns everything -"e have brought nothing into the world# so we cannot take anything out of it either- ,= !imothy O52/. 'nce couples accept the fact that *od owns everything and that they have been chosen to be stewards or managers of *od's property, it's important for them to manage according to (is principles and standards. t's how we faithfully manage what (e has given us that will determine whether (e will give us greater things to manage. -"ell done# good and faithful slave. 6ou were faithful with a few things# I will put you in charge of many things- ,1atthew >35></. So, since in a marriage a husband and wife are one, the financial assets and incomes of both husband and wife should be merged and they should operate from a unified financial management base, rather than from a separate and independent management base. >. !hin" ahead and avoid problems -"hich one of you# when he wants to build a tower# does not first sit down and calculate the cost to see if he has enough to complete it7- ,Luke =E5>D/ !oo often couples put off planning until they are so deeply in debt that it seems impossible to get out. #y then it is too late to plan, e0cept for crisis planning. Couples need to begin planning by writing down their goals and ob$ectives, which should include a yearly balanced budget. !hese goals and ob$ectives need to be reviewed yearly. 'bviously one of the first goals is to avoid financial bondage by staying out of additional debt and committing to pay off e0isting debt. !his doesn't necessarily mean that they shouldn't borrow, but borrowing to buy consumables, such as gifts, vacations, and clothes, should be avoided. !his type of credit debt will put a couple back into insurmountable debt faster than they can pay themselves out of it. <. #eep good records -+y wisdom a house is built# and by understanding it is established8 and by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches- ,-roverbs >E5<6E/. t is impossible for couples to have their finances under control unless they understand the basics of good bookkeeping.

9ecently it was discovered that less than two out of =G couples know how to actually balance their checkbooks. !his means that many married couples seldom know how much money they have to spend or how much they are spending. Couples should develop their financial plans together and work together, but there should be only one bookkeeper in the home who pays the bills. !wo bookkeepers invite bookkeeping disaster. E. Get educated -The naive believes everything# but the sensible man considers his steps,-roverbs =E5=3/. 1ost financially naive couples are not stupid regarding money8 they are $ust ignorant and do not understand how borrowing and interest rates work. +s a result, their primary concern becomes "(ow much are the monthly payments)" rather than "(ow much is this going to cost ultimately)" n addition, many times the naive people borrow more money than they can repay because they have no budget. n essence, they have no idea where their money goes each month or how much credit their income can support. Couples need to learn financial management and budgeting and use that information to avoid debt or financial problems.

onclusion
*od's Word provides standards for managing money that are essential for marital unity. f couples study these biblical principles, learn them and put them into practice in their marriages, and adhere to those standards no matter how tempted they are to adopt the world's standards, their marriages will be strong and will remain sound.

0is" 0ers or (urs?

When .od said in .en& 1%12" ,They shall become one flesh", 0e wasn,t tal#ing only in the physical sense&
fro !rown *inancial 7inistries

(urs" -ot Mine

n a marriage, there is no "my money" and "your money" or "my debts" and "your debts." !here is only our money and our debts. + couple cannot be one if they separate their lives by separating their finances. *od will bring a couple closer if, from the very beginning, they establish *od's Word as their financial guide and then follow those principles. + marriage is not a 3GN3G relationship, as many people think. t is a F3N3 relationship on both sides. %ach must be willing to yield F3 percent of their rights to their spouses. f they are not willing to do that, it will not work. Ao viable marriage can survive a "his or her" relationship for long, because it is totally contrary to *od's plan. Couples should avoid having separate financial anything, including checking accounts, because when they develop a his moneyNher money philosophy, it usually leads to a him6versus6her mentality. Cnwillingness to $oin all assets and bank accounts after marriage is perhaps a danger signal that unresolved trust issues could still be lingering or developing in the relationship.

+udgeting
#udgeting can be difficult, if not impossible, when spouses do not agree on basic money management principles. !herefore, they should make all budgeting decisions together. !hey also need to agree to hold each other accountable for meeting their financial goals, and devise a plan for regular evaluation of how well they are succeeding.

!he couple should come to an agreement on the amount of money that can be spent without first checking with each other. !he specific amount will depend on the budget category and the couple's particular circumstances. -Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls# the one will lift up his companion. +ut woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up- ,%cclesiastes E5F6=G/.

+oo##eeping
-ractically speaking, only one person should keep the books. %ven though one person primarily handles balancing the checkbook, both should be fully trained and able to do it. !here is nothing wrong with the wife handling the finances in the family if she is the better administrator, but *od still holds the husband accountable for the ultimate decisions. When there is an impasse, the wife must yield to her husband and allow the Lord to work it out. +s they work together, encouraging one another, *od will show them (is favor and grace. Aevertheless, being responsible as the leader does not mean the husband is a dictator8 the couple should discuss and agree on financial management. #oth spouses should be involved in paying the monthly bills. .oing so will keep both fully aware of their financial status.

onclusion
Within a marriage relationship the husband and wife are partners who are dedicated to one another. + bond of uncompromising devotion creates a healthy atmosphere for togetherness5 studying *od's Word, praying, and even managing money. 4ust as it takes two to make a marriage successful, it takes two to establish a clear line of communication in financial planning.

Tithing When *our )pouse (b3ects

+ecause tithing involves money" it is a prime candidate for controversy and marital conflict&
fro !rown *inancial 7inistries

Tithing in the +ible

*od's Word describes the tithe as a testimony to *od's ownership. t was through the tithe that +braham acknowledged *od's ownership. !hus, *od was able to direct and prosper him ,*enesis =E5>G/. *od's freedom cannot be e0perienced in the area of finances unless5
1. ;od6s ownership is acknowledged over everything and our role of stewards who have been placed over >is possessions is accepted. ". &he first part is surrendered back to ;od. %. &here is an understanding that ;od supplies a surplus above basic needs in order to help those in need.

n the 'ld !estament the (ebrew people brought appro0imately >< percent of their increase to the Lord's storehouse L a physical storehouse. !he keepers of the storehouse, the Levites, in turn used what was given to care for the widows, needy foreigners in the area, orphans, and themselves. n the Aew !estament, the people no longer brought their tithes and offerings to a physical storehouse8 instead, they gave of their increase in tithes, offerings, and alms to the church body. !he church then used the tithe for spreading the *ospel. !he offerings were used for the general and administrative support of the church, and alms were used to care for the poor, widows, orphans, and needy.

onflict (ver Tithing

#ecause tithing involves money, it is a prime candidate for controversy between a husband and wife. (owever, if both spouses are Christians, they should have a desire to please the Lord. t's important for both spouses to be trained in *od's principles of finance. !hat way, they'll understand that tithing is

*od6ordained, not $ust a personal desire that one spouse is trying to impose on the other. *iving should come from the heart. +s such, tithing is not a law but, rather, an indicator of obedience to all of *od's laws. #ecause the tithe's purpose is to be an individual or family testimony of *od's ownership, it was never intended that everyone should give the same amount or in the same way but that each should give bountifully and cheerfully ,see > Corinthians F5O62/.

!f (ne )pouse is an Unbeliever

!he problem becomes more complicated when one spouse is an unbeliever. Since it is the responsibility of the husband to be the leader in his home, if the wife is an unbeliever, husbands must obey the Lord's direction. (usbands need to realize, however, that the Lord is more concerned about the wife's soul than about money. f tithing becomes an obstacle to the wife, husbands should consider not tithing temporarily in order to win their wives to the Lord. (usbands need to counsel their wives, pray with them, and seek their opinion and direction but according to *od's Word the decision is ultimately the husband's. #ecause most wives in +merica today are looking for the strong leadership that seems to be lacking in many marriages, husbands need to take the lead regarding tithing. f the unbelieving spouse is the husband, the believing wife should submit to his wishes and trust that her submissive attitude will win him to the Lord ,see = -eter <5=6O/. 9emember it is not the money but the attitude of the heart about which the Lord is most concerned. f wives have made commitments to give and their husbands ob$ect to giving, *od sees the desire of the wives' hearts to tithe and (e will honor that commitment, even though wives honor their husbands' wishes. *od will bless because of the wife's attitude# not because of giving. (owever, a wife might still ask her husband to let her give an amount smaller than the tithe for at least a year. f, at the end of the year, the family is worse off financially as a result of giving# she will agree to stop giving. f the family is better off, the husband may agree to give more. n 1alachi <5=G, the Lord says to test (im in this thing ,tithing/. 'ften this is $ust the opportunity for *od to prove (imself real to a doubting spouse.

onclusion
*iving the tithe is the outward e0pression of inner commitment L or lack of it. t is material and financial surrender prompted by spiritual surrender. (owever, if couples do not tithe because one spouse ob$ects to tithing, the sub$ect should be placed "on the back burner," until they are able to discuss and study the principles of tithing together.

ash lash% What,s +elow the )urface?

!f you and your spouse argue about the same money issues over and over" it may be time to loo# below the surface&
;ifth grade science taught me that appearances can be deceiving. learned that when looking at an iceberg, we only see the small portion that sticks out of the water. !he largest part of an iceberg L typically DG6FGP Lremains unseen, hidden below the water's surface. ;inancial conflict is like the tip of an iceberg. 1any couples cite money problems as the reason for marital strife when the true source of their conflict is a larger issue lurking below the surface. n my years of working with couples in crisis, 've found that financial issues are usually a surface problem driven by deeper issues. t's easy to mistake finances for the real issue if you argue about it on a regular basis. (owever, the fact that the same financial arguments happen over and over without being resolved indicates that the real problem is something deeper. !hat "something deeper" is what we call a core issue. f core issues are not dealt with, surface issues L like finances L will keep popping up. t's kind of like trying to keep a balloon below the surface in a pool of water. :ou keep pushing it down, but it keeps right on coming up.

f you've tried to resolve arguments related to finances, but they keep popping up, it may be time for you to look below the surface. (ere are a few &uestions to ask5 =. Do we have a brea"down in communication$ f you fail to communicate your thoughts, desires, preferences and so on, your spouse is left to guess what they are. *uessing often leads to misunderstanding, which can lead to hurt feelings and even resentment. f the only time you try to communicate about finances is when you're already upset or angry, your emotions will get in the way and the conservation will most likely lead to harsh e0changes of words and end up going nowhere. t's important to talk about sensitive issues in a way that is comfortable for both of you. !ry writing down your concerns or desires versus trying to e0plain them when you're feeling emotional. #e clear about what you need from the other person regarding spending, budgeting, help with balancing the check book and how to get out of financial holes. .onJt begin your conversations in a negative tone and e0pect something positive to come out of it. +e kind and compassionate to one another19:ph. ;)/<=>5?@ >. Am % harboring unresolved hurt or resentment$ Sometimes it's easier to argue about money than to admit when we have hurt feelings. f your spouse has hurt you and you're still harboring that hurt L or maybe even resentment L you're going to see everything through that filter of hurt. When your spouse tries to discuss financial issues, you'll be more likely to overreact. nstead of letting hurt and resentment hinder your relationship, gather the courage to deal with the hurt. #ring it out in the open in a healthy way. .o it before tackling financial issues. !hat way you'll be able to discuss your financial issues without the e0tra burden of emotional baggage. 'o not let the sun go down while you are still angry. 9 :ph. ;)<A =NI?@ <. Am % afraid to face the truth$ +re you afraid to talk about money for fear that your spouse will discover you made an unwise decision, spent money you shouldn't have, didnJt pay the bill when you were supposed to, or have kept other financial secrets) .ishonesty always reaps a negative outcome. f you make a significant financial decision without talking to your spouse, your actions will almost never be well received. f you've been hiding something you did or did not do, the real issue is not about finances, it's about being honest. .ishonesty destroys trust. When trust is destroyed, your spouse will not trust you to make future decisions, which can leave you open to feelings of resentment, and the cycle repeats itself. !rust has to be rebuilt in a marriage before sensitive and important issues like finances can be addressed properly. *peak the truth to each other. 9 Bec. C)DA =NI?@ #y communicating in a clear and loving manner, getting rid of emotional baggage and embracing honesty, you and your spouse can lay a smooth foundation on which to build your financial future.

&hy Does My Spouse Spend So Much$

Like many young couples, *raham and +nna had very different ideas about spending and how much things should cost.
by Sandra Lundberg

1aking no effort to be &uiet, *raham comes to bed. t's about =5GG a.m. +nna has been asleep for three hours, but she's wide awake now. "+nna," says *raham, "we're never going to make it if you keep spending so much money." Stress s&ueezes +nna's stomach. She knows *raham has been working on their finances. She'd like to pretend she didn't hear him, but figures she can't. She turns toward him. "(oney, what can do) try not to spend too much. !here are things that we need."

*raham sighs. "We need Q3G worth of makeup from .illard's) We need Q=>G worth of groceries a week) We need to buy new furniture for the living room and put up new curtains) !hese are not needs, (on." +nna stares at the ceiling. "'kay, the furniture and the curtains may not be needs, but my makeup and L" *raham interrupts, "(oney, you're beautiful. :ou don't need to spend that kind of money on makeup." "#ut that's what it costs. +nd don't buy it that often." She tries to snuggle ne0t to *raham, but he pulls away. "+re you kidding)" he says. " 'm so stressed out, and you think you can $ust cuddle up and be cute and it'll all be okay. :ou've got to take some responsibility here, +nna. !hings are not okay." +s *raham and +nna have found, it can be a huge problem between husband and wife when one of them spends7or seems to spendLtoo much. #ut it's a problem the two of you can face and con&uer together, especially if you keep the following principles in mind. =. 'nderstand that you're on the same team when it comes to finances Chances are that neither of you wants to be told by your spouse e0actly how much you can spend or where you can spend it. !his doesn't communicate respect or trust for one another. :ou can start by agreeing that you both want the same things concerning money L a certain amount of security and a certain amount of freedom. !hose amounts may not be the same, but the general goals are. 1ore importantly, you both want to emphasize the health of your relationship over the details of accounting. When you're on the same team, it's easier to come up with creative solutions to spending disagreements. ;or instance, *raham and +nna might decide that each spouse will have a certain number of dollars set aside for grooming supplies each month or each &uarter L rather than spending "as needed" on a "need" that hasn't been agreed upon. >. 'nderstand the underlying reasons why your spouse overspends Let's say a husband and wife go to the mall. !he wife buys face powder and the man buys a computer program. Aeither accuses the other of overspending. #ut what if these people feel compelled to go back to the mall the ne0t day or week) What if the wife buys the newest trend in eye makeup and lipstick) What if the man buys another piece of software he doesn't really re&uire and a memory e0pansion card that allows him to use it) !hey may be trying to meet needs that purchases can't satisfy. :ou've probably heard a variety of reasons for overspending5 deprived childhood, privileged childhood, depression, an0iety, the thrill of the hunt. +ll of these have one thing in common5 a search for security. Consciously or not, the spender thinks something like, " f have this, 'll be in style." 'r, " 'll be accepted." 'r, " 'll be safe." 'r, " 'll be okay." #uying things doesn't provide real security. t does nothing to change *od's love for us. .ue to the consumerism so prevalent in our culture, it's an ongoing battle for many people to let go of the fleeting gratification of things for the long6term security of a relationship with *od through Christ. #efore making a purchase, husbands and wives need to ask themselves, "What am trying to do)" f the answer has anything to do with finding fulfillment or escaping stress or pain, don't buy the item. t will never meet that need. nstead, take your &uest for security to your heavenly ;ather and find it in (im. f your spouse struggles in this area, support him or her in seeking security from *od instead of goods. + pastor or counselor can help.

<. 'nderstand what things cost and how often they must be purchased -eople often enter marriage with very different e0periences of spending, saving, and tithing L and preconceived ideas about what things should cost. !ake that husband and wife at the mall, for e0ample. (e buys a piece of computer software8 she buys makeup from a department store. %ach e0periences "sticker shock" over the other's purchase. "(ow can you spend that much for a little eyebrow pencil)" the husband protests. ":ou can get a whole bo0 of 1agic 1arkers for the same priceH" "Look who's talking," says the wife. ":ou $ust spent more on that computer ta0 program than it cost to hire that guy to do our ta0es last year." #oth partners end up on the defensive. 1arriage counselors sometimes have couples go through lists of purchases, mark down what they think the prices of those items would be, and compare notes. Something like this may be worthwhile if the two of you struggle with the costs of each other's purchases. :ou may also want to divide the same list into wants and needs, indicate how often you think each item should be purchased, and compare results. Mnowing a certain computer program is purchased once, with upgrades bought every year, for e0ample, will help spouses agree on the real cost. So will learning that Q>G worth of powder could last three months for some women and si0 months for others. E. 'nderstand that you must live on less than you earn Living from one paycheck to the ne0t isn't comfortable for anyone. t can lead each of you to feel taken for granted, used, and insecure about the future of your marriage and finances. !hat insecurity is heightened when you ask the &uestion, "What if lost my $ob)" !he real problem may not be your spouse's spending or earning, but a failure to budget. !hat was true of *raham and +nna. Let's look in on them three months later. !hey've been working on their finances, reviewing their spending and goals once a week. !hey've disciplined themselves to take from one area to cover another so that they don't bust their new budget. 'ver a cup of coffee *raham says, "'kay, +nna. 've finished looking at our finances for this month." " think we did better," +nna says. " spent more on groceries than we planned, though. Like detergent and fabric softener and stuff." "So," *raham replies, "that e0plains the Q=3G bill at Sam's instead of the usual Q=GG." ":eah," +nna says. "(ow long do fabric softener and detergent usually last us)" "+t least si0 months." "So it's not something we have to buy every <G days," says *raham. +nna shakes her head. "Ao, no." *raham sighs, relieved.

(ig Dreams on a Small (udget

#y understanding the three Cs of financial contentment, you can live large L regardless of the size of your budget.

by Carolyn 1ac nnes :ou know those newlyweds who sip iced lattes in the spa outside their five6bedroom !udor while planning their ne0t trip to taly) Aeither do . 1ost people I know started out eating mac and cheese in a cramped apartment while sorting stacks of bills.

Weren't your first years of marriage supposed to be magical) Weren't you supposed to take weekend getaways, buy spontaneous gifts and paint the town) So why does it seem that every dime is paying off the past or accruing for the future) %n$oying the "$ust married" moments and still saving money is challenging L but you can live well when you prioritize your spending based on the three C's of financial contentment5 )hoose what matters most f you can't have it all, discover the most important aspects of your activities. What's the best thing about going to the movies) f you think it's the atmosphere, attend an earlier ,cheaper/ show. f it's discussing films with friends, rent one at home and invite the gang. ;igure out what brings you the greatest
en$oyment. !hen look for ways to have fun without breaking the bank.

)herish what you have When the 4oneses are buying hot tubs and big screen !Is, it's tempting to pull out the credit card and keep in step. t's the +merican way, right) (ow &uickly we forget to thank *od for the simplest things. %ven hot showers, comfortable homes and cupboards full of food represent lu0ury to people in most other nations. Challenge yourself to take your eyes off of your neighbor's toys and to reflect upon everyday blessings. )ommit to God what's *is *od commanded the sraelites in the 'ld !estament to give (im the first =G percent of everything they harvested. !his showed they trusted (im to provide the rest. Aew !estament writers don't play with percentages8 they remind us that all we have is *od's. !he lessons5 *ive generously and spend wisely. When we invest our time and money in (im, we reveal our hearts. +nd if you think faithful giving only leads to eternal rewards, talk to someone who consistently offers his "first fruits." (e can probably amaze you with stories about *od's abundant provision here on earth. Live better L and smarter L by incorporating the three C's of financial contentment. (ere are >G money6saving tips to get you going. =. Dig discount stores Save big bucks, even on name6brand items. >. +lay the host ;orget going out. Cook for your friends or plan a potluck party. <. #eep the change %mpty your coins into a change $ar8 you'll be surprised when you count them in a year. E. (uy and sell used items online #ooks, music and videos are often sold in great condition. ,#onus tip5 9ead about the seller's track record before you buyH/ !ake care of your items and sell them back when you're done. 3. (uy a sprucer,upper While not everyone can restore a turn6of6the6century home, it's easy to find a house with ugly paint and carpet. 'ne couple invested a few thousand dollars into renovations and upped the value of their place by Q<3,GGG. O. -ent movies + movie night at home runs you a fourth of the price of two theater tickets. 'lder flicks are often cheaper than new releases 7 and may contain less &uestionable content. ,#onus tip5 .on't let late fees drain your savingsH/ 2. )urtail )able !hree hundred channels and nothing on) Save yourself Q<GG to EGG a year by simply "cutting the cord." D. +urchase a pre,owned car + reliable used car with low mileage costs thousands less than a new one8 insurance costs less too. F. &or" out wisely ;orgo gym fees. #uy a Q=G e0ercise video, purchase used e&uipment or get a walking buddy. =G. Accelerate your e.uity With mortgage accelerator plans, you make half a house payment every two weeks rather than a whole payment once a month. :ou'll build e&uity faster, save tens of thousands of dollars and pay off your mortgage years ahead of schedule.

==. Split a meal 1any restaurants pile on the food. Save by sharing, or making a second meal from your leftovers. Aote5 %ven if you split your dinner, leave a gracious tip. !he waiter served you both. =>. Scrutini/e sales f you've collected closets and cupboards full of wrong6sized, wrong6colored, wrong6flavored items you'll never use, you've wasted money, not saved it. Shop carefully5 a "sale" isn't always a "good deal." =<. 'se credit card caution Meep one credit card and pay it off monthly. :ou'll save on interest fees and avoid buying things you can't afford. =E. Limit the li.uor 1oral considerations aside, alcohol is e0pensive. +nd in some states, insurance rates can skyrocket based on a person's alcohol intake. 9ead more at http5NNwww.insure.comNarticlesNlifeinsuranceNalcohol.htmlR. =3. Send yourself pac"ing Why spend QO a day for lunch) #ring leftovers or a sandwich for ne0t to nothingH =O. )onsider the lattes .o the math5 >OG ,weekdays a year/ 0 Q<.>3 for a specialty coffee drink S QDE3. nstead, set up a coffee pot at work and have coworkers chip in for beans. =2. Love your list Clever in6store advertising begs you to impulse buy. :our only hope is to remember what you came for. ,#onus tip5 .on't shop for groceries when you're hungryH/ =D. +onder prescriptions #uy the generic brand of your medication. %ven better, purchase prescriptions by mail. :ou'll get several months' worth at once and save on co6pays. =F. )are for your car -aying too much for gas and repairs) %0perts provide fuel6efficient driving and maintenance tips at www.fueleconomy.govR, http5NNwww.epa.govNota&NconsumerN=26 tips.htmR and http5NNwww.ftc.govNbcpNeduNpubsNconsumerNalertsNaltGOE.shtmR. >G. Do,it,yourself Save hundreds of dollars on your home by learning to landscape, redecorate or remodel. t's great to dream about the future L and wise to plan for it L with the one you love. #ut ultimately, your level of financial contentment as a newlywed depends on your mindset. ;rench poet 4ohn -etit6 Senn summarized it this way5 "Aot what we have, but what we en$oy, constitutes our abundance."

Marriage% .od,s !dea

by *ocus on the *a ily Next Article in Series:

1e)t Article

1. ,verview ". &he Divine ,rder to 7arriage %. !ovenant< &he >eart of the 7arriage 7ystery (. Reflecting ,ur Relationship With ;od -. 7arriage6s 7eaning for 2elievers .. ;od6s Design for 7arriage 0. Why 7arriage 7atters for Adults 3. Reclai ing the >eart of 7arriage

4. 1e)t ?teps @ Related Anfor ation

Where there is anything that's designed, there is a designer. Whether it's a truck, building or train L or even marriage L there is always a mastermind behind the masterpiece. *od, the mastermind of marriage, also has a plan for how marriage works best. t can be overwhelming to try and understand *od's design and plan for marital love because contradicting and varying messages are everywhere5 in books, magazines, movies and music. +s a result, many couples fall into the trap of looking everywhere but to the .esigner to find out what *od intended for marriage. f you've tried understanding marriage through the world, there's a better way. With help, you can tap into the design that *od has for marriage here in this series of articles. We can show you how marriage is created out of divine order, is based on a covenant relationship, reflects our relationship with *od and truly has a greater impact in our lives than many have assumed. (opefully, these realizations can help you to e0perience a greater sense of fulfillment and a lifelong perspective for your marrige relationship.

The 'ivine (rder to Marriage

Marriage is the full expression and design of .od,s image in human beings&
by Dr. David Byle *oster Next Article in Series: Crevious Article 1e)t Article

1. ,verview ". &he Divine ,rder to 7arriage %. !ovenant< &he >eart of the 7arriage 7ystery (. Reflecting ,ur Relationship With ;od -. 7arriage6s 7eaning for 2elievers .. ;od6s Design for 7arriage 0. Why 7arriage 7atters for Adults 3. Reclai ing the >eart of 7arriage 4. 1e)t ?teps @ Related Anfor ation

n *enesis we read5 %nd the Lord &od said# -It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.- . . . *o the Lord &od caused the man to fall into a deep sleep8 and while he was sleeping# He took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord &od made a woman from the rib =side@ he had taken out of the man# and he brought her to the man. ,*en >5=D, >= >>/ Why did *od do it that way) Why create one being and then take a part of that being and create a second, differentiated yet complementary being who is "bone of his bones and flesh of his flesh," a being who is se0ually, emotionally and in other ways different, yet of his own substance) Cpon seeing

her, +dam could have observed, " t's me . . . but not me." Well, if you think about it, it does sound like the kind of thing you might e0pect a !rinity to do. !he !rinity ,;ather, Son, (oly Spirit/ is a family, and thus man in *od's image must be made a family as well. !herefore, a man cannot completely realize the essence of his e0istence until he learns to e0ist with someone and for someone. #oth relationship and communion are crucial to this process. +nd so we see from *enesis = and > that *od created woman from the side of man so that the man would not be alone. ;rom the teaching of the Aew !estament, saints have since discovered that (e also created the Church from the side of the second +damLChristLfor the same reasonLfor intimate fellowship. #ack in the *enesis account, we note that the newly created %ve was +dam L his very flesh and bone, and for that reason, the #ible says, +dam called her woman, and, for that reason a man is to leave mother and father and be united to his wife to become one flesh ,v>E/. ;or what reason is man to marry a wife) #ecause woman was originally a constituent part of man, she must return to become one with him again, so that the full e0pression and design of *od's image in human beings can be revealed. (ere we have another parallel between the 'ld !estament type and the Aew !estament fulfillment. %ve was to reunite with her source and become one with himL$ust as we are with Christ, as (e prayed in 4ohn =2. Se0uality, therefore, is a prefigurement of the intimate relationship that *od desires to have with man. n fact, the marital union and covenant, in all its dimensions, is meant to gloriously reveal the very image of *od in ways that we can only begin to understand. +h, but there's more to this mystery than can be seen on the surface. !he union of a man and a woman in (oly 1atrimony is not literally the permanent recombining of two bodies into one. !his is mystery that reaches depths of meaning beyond what our present intellectual capacity can grasp. Clearly however, what woman is as a part of man is not tied to individuated pieces of flesh and bone, but is far broader and more profound than that. She is the necessary compliment to him that together reveals the glory of the image of *od in humanity. (er parts and his parts each have their own order and function. !ogether and rightly ordered, their united differences ignite the power and glory of creation itself, which is the consummate activity of *od from the beginning. So *od does a two stage creation of man. ;irst he makes the full orbed being ,+dam, which in the (ebrew means, mankind/. !hen in phase two, *od removes woman from +dam's side and makes %ve a separate being, though of +dam's substance, designed to ultimately reunite to her source through the mystery of (oly 1atrimony. +nd the spark, the power of that union is meant to gloriously reveal the very image of *od to angels and archangels and all the company of heaven and earth. !hat is why Satan fights tooth and nail to pervert and distort rightly ordered human se0uality, holy matrimony, the family, and fatherhood in particular. n fact, the amount of time and effort that Satan e0pends to destroy the image of *od reflected in marriage, fatherhood and human se0uality is a barometer of $ust how incredibly important it is to *od's plan and the e0pression of (is glory. #eloved, there is a profound and awesome reason for the way *od ordered the creation of manLone that is commented on throughout Scripture, and one that we must observe if we are to find the fulfillment of our very being as humans. t is ordered as the union of a man and a woman in marriageL heterose0ual and monogamousLan order that 4esus unambiguously reaffirmed in 1atthew.

Love Languages
0 &hat if % cannot discover my primary love language$

T Jve taken !he Love Language -rofile and my scores come out almost even e0cept for Eeceiving &ifts. know that is not my primary love language.K n the book, discuss three approaches to discovering your love language. U ;irst, observe how you most often e0press love to others. f you are regularly doing acts of service for others, this may be your love language. f you are consistently, verbally affirming people, then "ords of %ffirmation is likely your love language. U What do you complain about most often) When you say to your spouse, T donJt think you would ever touch me if did not initiate it,K you are revealing that !hysical Touch is your love language. When your spouse goes on a business trip and you say, T:ou didnJt bring me anything)K you are indicating that Eeceiving &ifts is your language. !he statement, TWe donJt ever spend time together,K indicates the love language of Fuality Time. :our complaints reveal your inner desires. , f you have difficulty remembering what you complain about most often, suggest that you ask your spouse. Chances are they will know./ U What do you re&uest of your spouse most often) f you are saying TWill you give me a back rub)K you are asking for !hysical Touch. T.o you think we could get a weekend away this month)K is a re&uest for Fuality Time. TWould it be possible for you to mow the grass this afternoon)K e0presses your desire for %cts of *ervice. ,:our answer to these three &uestions will likely reveal your primary love language./ 'ne husband told me that he discovered his love language by simply following the process of elimination. (e knew that Eeceiving &ifts was not his language so that left only four. (e asked himself, T f had to give up one of the four, which one would give up first)K (is answer was Fuality Time. T'f the three remaining, if had to give up another, which one would give up)K (e concluded that apart from se0ual intercourse, he could give up !hysical Touch. (e could get along without the pats and hugs and holding hands. !his left %cts of *ervice and "ords of %ffirmation. While he appreciated the things his wife did for him, he knew that her affirming words were really what gave him life. (e could go a whole day on a positive comment from her. !hus, "ords of %ffirmation was his primary love language and %cts of *ervice his secondary love language. 1 &hat if % cannot discover my spouse2s love language$

T1y husband hasnJt read the book, but we have discussed the love languages. (e says that he doesnJt know what his love language is.K 1y first suggestion is to give him a copy of The 0 Love Languages enGs :dition. Since it is geared specifically to husbands, he is more likely to read it. f he reads it, he will be eager to share his love language with you. (owever, if he is unwilling to read the book, would suggest you answer the three &uestions discussed above. U (ow does he most often e0press love to others) U What does he complain about most often) U What does he re&uest most often) !hough our spouseJs complaints normally irritate us, they are actually giving us valuable information. f a spouse says, TWe donJt ever spend any time together,K you may be tempted to say, TWhat do you mean) We went out to dinner !hursday night.K Such a defensive statement will end the conversation.

(owever, if you respond, TWhat would you like for us to do)K you will likely get an answer. !he complaints of your spouse are the most powerful indicators of the primary love language. +nother approach is to do a five6week e0periment. !he first week, you focus on one of the five love languages and seek to speak it every day and observe the response of your spouse. 'n Saturday and Sunday, you rela0. !he second weekL1onday through ;ridayLyou focus on another of the love languages and continue with a different language each of the five weeks. 'n the week you are speaking your spouseJs primary love language, you are likely to see a difference in their countenance and the way they respond to you. t will be obvious that this is their primary love language. 3 Does your love language change as you get older$

think that our primary love language tends to stay with us for a lifetime. t is like many other personality traits that develop early and remain consistent. ;or e0ample, a highly organized person was likely organized as a child. + person who is more laid6back and rela0ed likely had that trait as a child. !his is true of numerous personality traits. (owever, there are certain situations in life that make the other love languages e0tremely attractive. ;or e0ample, your primary love language may be "ords of %ffirmation, but if you are the mother of three preschool children, then %cts of *ervice by your husband may become e0tremely attractive to you. f he gives you only "ords of %ffirmation and does not offer to help you with household responsibilities, you may begin to feel T Jm tired of hearing you say, V love youJ when you never lift a hand to help me.K ;or those years, it may appear that %cts of *ervice has become your primary love language. (owever, if "ords of %ffirmation cease, you will &uickly know that this continues to be your primary love language. f you e0perience the death of a parent or a close friend, even if !hysical Touch is not your primary love language, an e0tended hug by your spouse may be the most meaningful thing for you at the moment. !here is something about being held in the midst of our grief that communicates that we are loved. While !hysical Touch is not your primary love language, it is e0tremely meaningful on such occasions. 4 Does the 5 love language concept wor" with children$

1ost definitely. like to visualize that inside every child there is an emotional love tank. f the child feels loved by the parents, the child grows up normally. #ut if the love tank is empty and the child does not feel loved, heNshe will grow up with many internal struggles and during the teenage years will go looking for love, often in the wrong places. t is e0tremely important that parents learn how to love children effectively. Some time ago, teamed up with psychiatrist 9oss Campbell and wrote the book The 0 Love Languages of (hildren. t is written for parents and is designed to help them discover the childJs primary love language. t also discusses how this interfaces with the childJs anger, the childJs learning, and with discipline. 'ne of the points we make in the book is that children need to learn how to receive and give love in all five languages. !his produces an emotionally healthy adult. !hus, parents are encouraged to give heavy doses of the childJs primary love language, then sprinkle in the other four regularly. When the child receives love in all five languages, heNshe will eventually learn how to give love in all five languages. 5 Do children2s love languages change when they get to be teenagers$

+ parent said, T Jve read your and .r. CampbellJs book The 0 Love Languages of (hildren. t really helped us in raising our children. (owever, now our son has become a teenager. WeJre doing the same things weJve always done but it doesnJt seem to be working. Jm wondering if his love language has changed.K

do not believe that a childJs love language changes at age thirteen. (owever, you must learn new ways to speak the childJs primary love language. Whatever you have been doing in the past, the teenager considers to be childish and will want nothing to do with it. f the teenJs love language is !hysical Touch and you have been hugging and kissing on the cheek, the teenager may well push you away and say, TLeave me alone.K t does not mean that he does not need physical touch8 it means that he considers those particular touches to be childish. :ou must now speak !hysical Touch in more adult dialects such as an elbow to the side, a fist to the shoulder, a pat on the back, or wrestle the teen to the floor. !hese touches will communicate your love to a teenager. !he worst thing you can do to a teenager whose love language is !hysical Touch is to withdraw when the teen says, T.onJt touch me.K n my book The 0 Love Languages of Teenagers# which is written for parents, also discuss the teenJs desire for freedom and the necessity of linking advanced freedom with advanced responsibility. +s teens get older, they become more capable. !hus they need to have more responsibilities. When these responsibilities are tied with increased freedom, the teenager is motivated to become a responsible young person. ;or e0ample, if you are going to allow the teen to drive a car, this freedom should be accompanied by a responsibility such as washing the car every Saturday by noon. f they fail to meet this responsibility, there should be specific conse&uences already in place, such as losing the privilege of driving for two days. f the parent consistently applies the conse&uences, the teenager will have an e0tremely clean car and will learn that freedom and responsibility are opposite sides of the same coin. 6 &hat if the primary love language of your spouse is difficult for you$

T did not grow up in a touching family and now have discovered that my spouseJs love language is !hysical Touch. t is e0tremely difficult for me to initiate physical touch.K !he good news is that all of the five love languages can be learned. t is true that most of us grew up speaking only one or two of these love languages. !hese will come natural for us and will be relatively easy. !he others must be learned. +s in all learning situations, small steps make for big gains. f !hysical Touch is your spouseJs language and you are not by nature a Ttoucher,K begin with such small things as putting your hand on the shoulder of your spouse as you pour the cup of coffee or give a Tlove patK on the shoulder as you walk by. !hese small touches will begin to break down the barrier. %ach time you touch, the ne0t touch will be easier. :ou can become proficient in speaking the language of !hysical Touch. !he same is true with the other languages. f you are not a "ords of %ffirmation person and you discover that your spouseJs language is "ords of %ffirmation, as indicated in the book, you can make a list of statements that you hear from other persons or read in magazines or books. Stand in front of a mirror and read the list until you become comfortable hearing yourself say those words. !hen choose one of the statements, walk in the room, and say it to your spouse. %ach time you affirm them, it will become easier. Aot only is your spouse feeling good about your changed behavior, but you are also feeling good about yourself, because you know that you are effectively e0pressing love to your spouse. 7 Are some of the love languages found more among women and others with men$

have never done the research to discover if the love languages are gender6slanted. t may be true that more men have !hysical Touch and "ords of %ffirmation as their love language and more women have Fuality Time and &ifts. #ut donJt know if that is true. prefer to deal with the love languages as being gender6neutral. do know that any one of these love languages can be the primary love language of a man or the primary love language of a woman. !he important thing in marriage is that you

discover the primary and secondary love languages of your spouse and you speak these regularly. f you do this, you will create a healthy emotional climate for marital growth. 8 *ow did you discover the five love languages$

n the book, share some of my encounters with couples through the years that brought me to realize that what makes one person feel loved does not necessarily make another person feel loved. ;or a number of years, have been helping couples in the counseling office discover what their spouse desired in order to feel loved. %ventually, began to see a pattern in their responses. !herefore, decided to read the notes had made over twelve years of counseling couples and ask myself the &uestion, TWhen someone sat in my office and said, V feel like my spouse doesnJt love me,J what did they want)K !heir answers fell into five categories. later called them the five love languages. then started sharing these languages in workshops and study groups. %very time shared the concept of the love languages, the Tlights came onK for couples and they realized why they had been missing each other emotionally. When they discovered and spoke each otherJs primary love language, it radically changed the emotional climate of their marriage. !herefore, decided to write a book in which would share the concept, hoping to influence thousands of couples whom would never have an opportunity to meet in person. Aow that the book has sold over fD million copies in %nglish and has been translated into EF languages around the world, my efforts have been more than rewarded. 9 Do the love languages wor" in other cultures$

Since my academic background is anthropology, this was my &uestion when the Spanish publisher came first and re&uested permission to translate and publish the book in Spanish. initially said, T donJt know if this concept works in Spanish. discovered it in the +nglo setting.K !he publisher said, TWe have read the book and it works in Spanish.K So was glad to know the book was to be translated and published in Spanish. !hen came the ;rench edition, the *erman, the .utch, etc. n almost every culture, the book has become the bestseller of the publisher. !his leads me to believe that these five fundamental ways of e0pressing love are universal. (owever, the dialects in which these languages are spoken will differ from culture to culture. ;or e0ample, the kind of touches that are appropriate in one culture may not be appropriate in another culture. !he %cts of *ervice that are spoken in one culture may not be spoken in another culture. #ut when these cultural adaptations are made, the concept of the five love languages will have a profound impact upon the couples in that culture. 0: &hy do you thin" The 5 Love Languages has been so successful$ believe that our deepest emotional need is the need to feel loved. f we are married, the person we would most like to love us is our spouse. f we feel loved by our spouse, the whole world is bright and life is wonderful. 'n the other hand, if we feel re$ected or ignored, the world begins to look dark. 1ost couples get married when they still have the euphoric feelings of being in love. When the euphoric feelings evaporate some time after the wedding and their differences begin to emerge, they often find themselves in conflict. With no positive plan for resolving conflicts, they often find themselves speaking harshly to each other. (arsh words create feelings of hurt, disappointment, and anger. Aot only do they feel unloved, but they also begin to resent each other. When couples read The 0 Love Languages, they discover why they lost the romantic feelings of courtship and how emotional love can be rekindled in their relationship. 'nce they begin speaking each otherJs primary love language, they are surprised to see how &uickly their emotions turn positive. With a full love tank, they can now process their conflicts in a much more positive manner and find solutions

that are workable. !he rebirth of emotional love creates a positive emotional climate between the two of them and they learn to work together as a teamLencouraging, supporting, and helping each other reach meaningful goals. 'nce this happens, they want to share the message of the five love languages with all of their friends. %very year since its first publication, the book has sold more than it did the year before. believe the success of The Five Love Languages can be attributed to the couples who have read it, learned to speak each otherJs language, and recommended it to their friends. 00 &hat if % spea" my spouse2s love language and they don2t respond$ T1y husband would not read the book so decided to speak his love language and see what would happen. Aothing happened. (e didnJt even acknowledge that was doing anything differently. (ow long am supposed to continue speaking his love language when there is no response)K know that it can become discouraging when you feel that you are investing in the marriage and are receiving nothing in return. !here are two possibilities as to why your husband is not responding. ;irst and most likely, you are speaking the wrong love language. Wives often assume that their husbandJs love language is !hysical Touch. !herefore, they make significant changes in the way they respond to their husbandJs se0ual desires. 'ften they will initiate se0ual intercourse. She is sincerely trying to speak his love language. When he does not so much as acknowledge her efforts, she becomes discouraged. n reality, his primary love language may be "ords of %ffirmation. #ecause she feels no love coming from him, she may be verbally critical of him. (er critical words are like daggers to his heart, so he withdraws from her. (is only pleasure in the marriage is those moments of se0ual intimacy, but they are not enough to alleviate the emotional sense of re$ection he feels from her critical words. (e suffers in silence while she becomes frustrated that her efforts for improving the marriage are unsuccessful. !he problem is not her sincerity8 the problem is that she is actually speaking the wrong love language. 'n the other hand, assuming you are speaking your spouseJs primary love language, there is another reason why they may not be responding positively. f the spouse is already involved in another romantic relationship, either emotionally or se0ually, they will often reason that your efforts have come too late. !hey may even perceive that your efforts are temporary and insincere and that you are simply trying to manipulate them to stay in the marriage. %ven if your spouse is not involved with someone else, if your relationship has been hostile for a long time, they may still perceive your efforts as being manipulative. n this situation, the temptation is to give up, to stop speaking their love language because it is not making any difference. !he worst thing you can do is to yield to this temptation. f you give up, it will confirm their conclusion that your efforts were designed to manipulate them. !he best approach you can take is to continue to speak their love language on a regular basis no matter how they treat you. Set yourself a goal of si0 months, nine months, or a year. :our attitude is TWhatever their response, Jm going to love them in their love language over the long haul. f they walk away from me, they will walk away from someone who is loving them unconditionally.K !his attitude will keep you on a positive road even when you feel discouraged. !here is nothing more powerful that you can do than to love your spouse even when they are not responding positively. Whatever the ultimate response of your spouse, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you have done everything you could do to restore your marriage. f your spouse eventually chooses to reciprocate your love, you will have demonstrated for yourself the power of unconditional love. +nd you will reap the benefits of the rebirth of mutual love. 01 )an love be reborn after se;ual infidelity$ Aothing devastates marital intimacy more than se0ual unfaithfulness. Se0ual intercourse is a bonding e0perience. t unites two people in the deepest possible manner. +ll cultures have a public wedding ceremony and a private consummation of the marriage in se0ual intercourse. Se0 is designed to be the

uni&ue e0pression of our commitment to each other for a lifetime. When this commitment is broken, it is devastating to the marriage. (owever, this does not mean that the marriage is destined for divorce. f the offending party is willing to break off the e0tramarital involvement and do the hard work of rebuilding the marriage, there can be genuine restoration. n my own counseling, have seen scores of couples who have e0perienced healing after se0ual infidelity. t involves not only breaking off the e0tramarital affair, but discovering what led to the affair. Success in restoration is a two6pronged approach. ;irst, the offending party must be willing to e0plore their own personality, beliefs, and lifestyle that led them to the affair. !here must be a willingness to change attitudes and behavior patterns. Second, the couple must be willing to take an honest look at the dynamics of their marriage and be open to replacing destructive patterns with positive patterns of integrity and sincerity. #oth of these will normally re&uire the help of a professional counselor. 9esearch indicates that those couples who are most likely to survive se0ual infidelity are those couples who receive both individual counseling and marriage counseling. Cnderstanding the five love languages and choosing to speak each otherJs language can help create an emotional climate in which the hard work of restoring the marriage can be successful. 03 &hat do you do when a spouse refuses to spea" your love language even when they "now it$ TWe both read The 0 Love Languages, took the profile, and discussed our primary love languages with each other. !hat was two months ago. 1y wife knows that my love language is "ords of %ffirmation. :et, in two months, have yet to hear her say anything positive. (er love language is %cts of *ervice. have started doing several things she has asked me to do around the house. think she appreciates what am doing, but she never tells me.K Let me begin by saying that we cannot make our spouse speak our love language. Love is a choice. We can re&uest love, but we cannot demand love. (aving said that, let me suggest some reasons why your wife may not be speaking your love language. She may have grown up in a home where she received few positive words. (er parents were perhaps very critical of her. !hus, she did not have a positive role model of speaking "ords of %ffirmation. Such words may be very difficult for her to speak. t will re&uire effort on her part and patience on your part as she learns to speak a language that is foreign to her. + second reason that she may not be speaking your love language is she fears that if she gives you "ords of %ffirmation for the few changes you have made, you will become complacent, and you will not go on to make the ma$or changes that she is hoping for. t is the mistaken idea that if reward mediocrity, will curtail the personJs aspirations to be better. !hat is a commonly held myth that keeps parents from verbally affirming children. 'f course, it is untrue. f a personJs primary love language is "ords of %ffirmation, those words challenge the person to greater levels of accomplishment. 1y suggestion is that you initiate the love tank game discussed in the book. :ou ask her, T'n a scale of zero to ten, how full is your love tank)K f she answers anything less than ten, you ask, TWhat could do to help fill it)K Whatever she says, you do it to the best of your ability. f you do this once a week for a month, chances are she will start asking you how full your love tank is. +nd you can begin making re&uests of her. !his is a fun way of teaching her how to speak your love language. 04 )an emotional love return when it has been gone for thirty years$ TWe are not enemies. We donJt fight. We simply live in the same house like roommates.K

Let me answer this &uestion with a true story. + couple came to me at one of my seminars. !he husband said, TWe have come to thank you for bringing new life to our marriage. We have been married for thirty years, but the last twenty years have been e0tremely empty. f you want to know how bad our marriage has been, we have not taken a vacation together in twenty years. We simply live in the same house, try to be civil, and thatJs about it. T+ year ago, shared my struggle with a friend. (e went into his house, came back with your book The 0 Love Languages, and said to me, V9ead this. t will help you.J !he last thing wanted to do was read another book, but did. went home that night and read the whole book. finished about <5GG a.m. and with every chapter, the lights began to come on. realized that we had failed to speak each otherJs love language through the years. gave the book to my wife and asked if she would read it and tell me what she thought of it. !wo weeks later, she said, V read the book.J VWhat did you think about it)J said. V think if we had read that book thirty years ago, our marriage would have been very different.J said to her, V!hatJs the same thought had. .o you think it would make any difference if we tried now)J She responded, VWe donJt have anything to lose.J V.oes that mean you are willing to try)J asked. VSure. Jll try,J she said. We discussed our primary love languages and agreed that we would try to speak each otherJs language at least once a week and see what would happen. f anyone had told me that in two months, would have love feelings for her again, would never have believed it. #ut did.K (is wife spoke up and said, T f anyone had told me that would ever have love feelings for him again, would have said VAo way. !oo much has happened.JK She then said, T!his year we took our first vacation together in twenty years and had a wonderful time. We drove four hundred miles to come to your seminar and en$oyed being with each other. Jm $ust sad that we wasted so many years of simply living in the same house when we could have had a love relationship. !hank you for your book.K T!hank you for sharing your story,K said. T find it greatly encouraging. hope you make the ne0t twenty years so e0citing that the last twenty will be a dim memory.K T!hatJs what we intend to do,K they both said together. Can emotional love be reborn in a marriage after thirty years) :es, if the two of you are willing to try speaking each otherJs love language. 05 *ow do % spea" my spouse2s love language if he<she is away from me for a time =i e deployment> wor"> school? am fre&uently asked how to apply the 3 love languages in long6distance relationships. -hysical touch and &uality time are particularly challenging in these instances. !he simple answer is this5 you must be creative and committed to staying connected despite the distance. f your love language is physical touch, then here are a few creative ideas for speaking one anotherJs love language. ;irst, having photographs of yourself as a couple may remind you of en$oyable times together. (aving physical items that belong to one another may also remind you of one another. -erhaps a shirt or the cologne or perfume of your significant other may remind you of that person and of en$oyable times together. :ou also should email, te0t, write, etc., about how you en$oy being with one another. :ou might even try keeping a calendar on which you physically mark off the days until youJre able to be with one another again. !his is not a comprehensive list of ideas, but all of these are physical activities and items that will at least in part help satisfy your physical love language. +s for &uality time, the time you spend staying in contact, working to encourage one another, sending one another notes and gifts, etcB is &uality time. 'f course, itJs not the preferred form of &uality time, but it is &uality time nonetheless. :ou must learn to view it and appreciate it as such. 1ore specific ways you can e0press the language of &uality time are to talk often about how you desire to stay close and keep your love alive. 9ead or re6read The 0 Love Languages ,or The 0 Love Languages ilitary :dition/ together while youJre apart, or listen to .r. ChapmanJs podcasts, and discuss these

together as a way of nurturing your relationship. !his, too, re&uires commitment, but if you truly love one another, then youJll find the energy and time to stay connected. Cse your situation as an opportunity to practice the other languages as well. Aotes and gifts need to be viewed as more than T$ustK notes and gifts. !hey need to be viewed as physical effort and words of affirmation meant to e0press love. n closing, yes, distance is difficult on a relationship, but it does not have to be the end of the relationship. 'bviously, the more time you can spend together, the better. +nd, you should strive for this. (owever, if you are a committed couple and are willing to be creative in how you speak one anotherJs love language, then your relationship can survive and even thrive during your time apart. 06 %2m single *ow does the love language concept apply to me$ !hrough the years, many single adults have said to me, T know you wrote your original book for married couples. (owever, read it and it helped me in all of my relationships. Why donJt you write a book on the five love languages for singles)K +nd so did. tJs entitled The 0 Love Languages *ingles :dition. n the book, seek to help single adults apply the love language concept in all their relationships. begin by helping them understand why they felt love or did not feel love growing up as a child. 'ne young man who is incarcerated said, T!hanks for sharing the five love languages. ;or the first time in my life finally understand that my mother loves me. realize that my love language is !hysical Touch but my mother never hugged me. n fact, the first hug ever remember getting from my mother was the day left for prison. #ut realize that she spoke %cts of *ervice very strongly. She worked hard to keep us in food and clothes and to provide a place to live. know now that she loved me8 she simply wasnJt speaking my language. #ut now, understand she really did love me.K also help singles apply the love language concept in their sibling relationships, work relationships, and dating relationships. have been so encouraged by the response of single adults. hope that if you are single, you will discover what others have discovered. %0pressing love in a personJs primary love language enhances all relationships.

Marriage
0 *ow can % get him to really tal" to me$ !ake Tbaby stepsK. .onJt overwhelm him by saying, T wish youJd talk more.K (e canJt respond positively to that. t comes across as condemnation. #egin by asking &uestions, little &uestions, and be content to get little answers. (e has to crawl before he can walk. When he gets used to hearing his own voice, then he can talk more. #ecome a good listener. When he talks, give him your undivided attention. .onJt respond to his ideas with condemnation. 9ather, say, T!hatJs an interesting idea, how do you think that would work if we applied it to our lives)K *ive him your opinion, only if he asks for it. f he finds that he gets a sermon every time he shares an idea, he will stop sharing his ideas. +fter a few weeks, try the following5 =. +sk if he would be willing to have a daily Tsharing timeK in which each of you shared two things that happened in your lives today and how you feel about them. f he complains that these times are taking too long, then set time limits, such as no more than ten minutes each. >. !ry sharing a book. ;ind a book that you think would be of interest to him and ask if he would be willing to read a chapter each week and you will read the same chapter. +t the end of the week, each of you will share with the other one thing you liked or learned from the chapter. +bove all, donJt condemn him for not talking. Create a climate where it is safe for him to talk. ;or further help see .esperate 1arriages, chapter seven, T!he Cncommunicative SpouseK.

1 &hen do % address my spouse2s irritating habits> and when do % @let it goA$ #ecause we are human, we are different. Some of these differences can be terribly annoying. believe you should find a way to address these and ask for change. #ut begin with yourself. suggest that once a week, you ask your spouse, TWhat one thing could change in my life that would make life better for you)K !hen to the best of your ability work on making that change. +fter a few weeks of this, your spouse will likely begin asking you the same &uestion. Aow you have a chance to ask for change, but never more than once a week. 9emember, you cannot make your spouse change. (owever, you can create a climate where change is a way of life. +rguing, demanding, and manipulating are not positive ways to seek change. 3 *ow do % nurture a spiritual relationship with my spouse when % don2t feel comfortable praying out loud$ -ray together silently. tJs simple5 :ou hold hands, close your eyes, pray silently and say T+menK aloud so your spouse will know you are through. Continue to hold your spouseJs hand until heNshe says T+menK. f you will do this for si0 months, one night one of you will slip up and pray out loud. :ou will have broken the sound barrier and from then on you will pray out loud. #ut even if you never pray out loud, it will help your marriage to pray silently. f you sit together in church you can also hold hands and pray silently as the pastor leads in prayer. 4 &e are both wor"ing full time and when % get home> % start dinner but my husband comes in and sits on the couch *ow do % encourage him to participate in household chores$ Set fire to the couchH !hen hand him the fire e0tinguisher. .o this every two days for one week. (e will no longer sit on the couch. Well, thatJs one approach, but not one that recommend. Aor do recommend yelling at him and calling him a lazy slob. +ll of us have patterns of behavior, which we have developed through the years. Some of these are helpful to the marriage ,for e0ample your starting dinner/, and some are detrimental to the marriage. !he problem is, we are not always aware of what these are until they are brought to our attention. #ut how you bring them to your spouseJs attention is the important thing. suggest you initiate a Tmarriage improvement month.K Say to your spouse, T Jve been thinking about us, and donJt want us to drift into a dead marriage. donJt want to $ust be an ordinary wife. want to be an e0ceptional wife. Would you be open to giving me one suggestion each week for the ne0t month on how could be a better wife) would give you one suggestion on how you could be a better husband, and both of us could grow. Would you be open to this)K f he is, then you are on the road to positive change. 'ne of those weeks, you can share with him what you would like him to do when he arrives home. (e will not take it as nagging, because you have made it a part of your month of improvement. f your husband agrees to give you a suggestion each week, but is not willing to take a suggestion from you, would encourage you to go for it. #efore the month is over, think you will see a change in his attitude. 5 My spouse is not a believer> but % am *ow do % cope with this$ (ere, we have clear biblical teaching. n -eter <5=6O wives are encouraged to win their unbelieving husbands to the Lord not by preaching to them, but by demonstrating the Christian life of love and service. +sk *od to help you be the best possible wife. Learn your husbandJs love language. ;ind out what makes him feel respected and appreciated. 1inister to him as though he were 4esus. ,See Colossians <5></. n due time, he will ask why you treat him so well. #e honest, and donJt take credit for being such a nice person. *ive *od the glory and say to your husband, T must be honest, donJt see myself as a loving person. #y nature am selfish, but every day ask *od to fill me with (is spirit of love. :ou are the most important person in my life, so figure the place to start is by loving you. .oes that make sense to you)K

Listen to his response and you may be into a genuine conversation about spiritual things. .onJt push your husband, but let him know that your greatest desire is that he will come to know Christ as his Savior. :our godly e0ample, coupled with your daily prayers, is the best way to influence your husband. 6 My spouse professes to be a believer> but % see no fruit in his<her life &hat should % do$ !wo possibilities e0ist5 your spouse is not a true believer, or your spouse is an immature believer. n either case, you may be *odJs chief agent in helping your spouse. f your spouse is not a true believer, then my answer to the &uestion above may be helpful. f your spouse is an immature believer, then the one thing you donJt want to do is condemn himNher for being a spiritual infant. n the physical realm, we donJt criticize babies for being babies. !he same is true in the spiritual realm. We e0pect baby Christians to be baby Christians. What we try to do is to help them grow little by little. .onJt e0pect too much too soon. #abies must drink milk before solid food. f you were trying to help someone else grow from an immature Christian to a mature Christian, what would you do) think you would begin by praying for them daily. !hen think you would e0pose them to simple #ible study materials. :ou would invite them to study groups designed for young believers. :ou would not force them, but you would make Tspiritual foodK available to them. f there is spiritual life, there will be spiritual hunger. When food is offered, some of it will be accepted. f your spouse continues to show no interest in spiritual matters, then would treat himNher as an unbeliever, and seek to demonstrate the Christian life, while praying for hisNher salvation. 7 % found out my husband is addicted to pornography &here do % turn$ -ornography can be very destructive to the marriage relationship. t is not acceptable behavior, and must not be condoned by the wife. suggest you let your husband know that you are very disturbed by his involvement in pornography. !ell him you are willing to go to counseling with him in order to deal with the problem. f he indicates that he will not go for counseling, then inform him that you will go alone, because you love him too much to do nothing about this problem. !hen find a Christian counselor and let him or her help you take steps to encourage your husband to deal with the issue. :our husband is not likely to break this addictive pattern without the help of a pastor or counselor. (e may not go to a counselor without steps of tough love on your part. + pastor or counselor can help you take these steps. 8 % have tried> but % really don2t enBoy se; % am Bust doing it to be obedient &hat can % do$ Lack of interest and en$oyment in the se0ual part of marriage is a common problem. Csually such lack of en$oyment is rooted in one of several factors. Sometimes it is rooted in se0ual abuse as a child. +dults who were abused as children almost always struggle with se0ual fulfillment. Sometimes it is rooted in the way the couple handled se0 before marriage. ;or e0ample, individuals who felt taken advantage of se0ually before marriage, or felt forced into a marriage because of pregnancy, will often struggle with se0 after married. Sometimes it is rooted in the way the spouse handles se0. Crude words or behavior with little attention to the spouseJs concerns may emotionally turn the other person off to any interest in se0. !he best thing you could do is to find a Christian counselor with e0pertise in this area of counseling and begin to identify the problems and look for solutions. Se0 is an important part of marriage and must not be ignored. would also recommend the book, !he *ift of Se0 by Clifford and 4oyce -enner, published by Word -ublishing. 9 &e got married because % was pregnant and now % feel li"e % have made a big mista"e )an % get a divorce or do % have to stic" it out$ %f so> where do % start$

:our assumption seems to be that you have only two alternatives5 stay in the marriage and be miserable the rest of your life, or divorce and be happy. suggest that there is a third alternative which offers far more hope5 work to build a successful marriage. 1any people get into marriage in less than ideal circumstances, and yours was pregnancy. ;or others it was drug dependency, emotional dependency, dreams of getting out of a bad home situation, misguided romantic feelings, and any number of other factors. *etting off to a rocky start or getting married for the wrong reasons does not mean that you cannot have a good marriage. +ny couple can build a successful marriage if they will seek *odJs help. *od will bring healing to past failures, and supply hope for the future. !he Scriptures lay down the principles for building a godly marriage. Christian books based on Scripture can be e0tremely helpful. Christian pastors and counselors are also available. Cse the resources *od has provided and yours can become the marriage you always wanted. See !he ;ive Love Languages for practical help in learning how to love each other. 0: *ow can % get her<him to have se; more often and ma"e sure we both enBoy it$ ;inding mutual se0ual fulfillment is a process. t does not happen automatically. *od told ancient srael to take the first year of marriage and learn to pleasure each other ,.eut. >E53/. 'ne of the best ways to learn is to e0pose yourself to good information. suggest that the two of you read one chapter per week in the book !he *ift of Se0 by Clifford and 4oyce -enner. +t the end of the week, discuss the ideas presented in the chapter. !he goal is to understand male and female se0uality, and to discover how to pleasure each other se0ually. :our attitude should always be one of love, looking out for each otherJs pleasure. Share your desires with each other, but never force any se0ual e0pression on your spouse. (ow often your spouse desires se0 will be influenced by how you treat himNher. 'pen communication in an atmosphere of love will lead to mutual se0ual fulfillment. 00 After being married one year> %2m not sure %2m @in loveA anymore &here could we have gone wrong$ !his is the same &uestion was asking the first year of my marriage. had been told that if you are really Tin loveK it will last forever. was misinformed. !he fact is that the emotional obsession, which we commonly call Tfalling in love,K is a temporary e0perience. 9esearch indicates that the average life span of this Tin loveK phase is two years. Since we fall in love before we get married, most couples are coming down off the high within the first year of their marriage. We no longer feel those warm bubbly feelings, and we no longer think that our spouse is perfect. n fact we are realizing that we are so different, and we are wondering, T(ow did we ever get together)K !hen begins the second and more important phase of love5 learning how to speak each otherJs love language. 1y book !he ;ive Love Languages has helped thousands of couples make this transition. !he basic idea is that each of us has a primary love language. +lmost never does a husband and wife have the same love language. n order to keep emotional love alive after we come down off the Tin loveK high, we must learn to speak each otherJs language. !he five love languages are words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, &uality time, and physical touch. 'nce you make this transition, you will each feel loved, and you will hardly even miss the Tin loveK high. :our emotional love tank will be filled by your spouseJs regular e0pressions of love. !o discover your primary love language, see !he ;ive Love Languages. 01 % recently got married> but have been on my own for many years *ow do we build a life together$ *ow do % submit to my spouse2s decisions after ma"ing my own decisions for so long$ n this &uestion, you have hit upon one of the big differences between being married and being single. +s a single, you do what you want to do when you want to do it. +s a married, that is impossible. Why)

#ecause Ttwo have become oneK. t is no longer Tyour businessK and Tmy businessK, but rather Tour business.K Aow you must consider how your actions will affect your spouse. Aow you are ready to learn what the #iblical concept of love is all about. Love is looking out for the other personJs interest. !his doesnJt mean that you must spend every waking hour together, but it does mean that you must keep each other informed. :ou are now a team, and team members must work together. t is not a matter of one making all the decisions. 9ather, it is making decisions together so that each of you feels good about what is happening. f all of this seems costly to your independence, you are correct. ntimacy and independence are mutually e0clusive. 03 My husband is in a position of authority within the church % feel uncomfortable sharing my struggles with anyone at church and feel so alone !hen go for help outside the church. Christian counseling centers are available in most cities. %ven if you have to drive an hour or so, it is time well invested. + counselor can help you assess your situation and decide what steps can be taken. t may eventually involve your husband and perhaps the church leadership, depending on what is involved, but you need not start there. t is often easier to begin with a counselor outside your church. .onJt allow your fear of embarrassing your husband to keep you from getting the help you need. f your problem is not a serious problem involving your husband, then perhaps you can develop a friendship with some wife in another church. She can serve as a lay counselor and help you assess your situation. 1any churches have lay counseling programs and could link you up with such a person. 04 My husband<wife is emotionally abusive My friends are all telling me not to stay &hen is it o"ay to leave$ %motional abuse, which is often the result of verbal abuse, seldom goes away with the passing of time. Aeither is the problem solved by simply leaving your spouse. :ou need a plan and support system to help you take constructive steps of tough love. 1y book .esperate 1arriages is written for people who are in difficult marriages. !he theme is helping you to be a positive change agent in such a marriage. !ough love may eventually re&uire a temporary separation, but this should be done as a therapeutic move, not as an act of abandonment. Such a step should never be taken without the guidance of a Christian counselor or pastor. .onJt try to do this on your own. 9each out for the help of those who are professionally trained and have had e0perience in helping others in such marriages.J

/arenting
0 % really feel strongly about certain types of discipline with our children> but my husband Bust laughs it off and does not support me *ow do % handle this situation$ .isagreements over styles of discipline are fairly common for one simple reason5 we each grew up in different families. We tend to discipline like our parents did, or if we believe that they treated us unfairly, we tend to do the opposite of what our parents did. (ow do we resolve these differences) t is not likely that you will ever totally agree on this matter, but you can find a workable solution. t begins by each of you making a list of the basic rules you think you should have for the child and what the conse&uences should be if these rules are broken. With these lists in hand, you have a parental conference in which the two of you work through your lists. Check off the ones on which you agree and negotiate agreement on the others. #oth must be willing to find common ground. .onJt insist that your way is the only way. With these in place, it is then a matter of making sure the child understands the rules and the conse&uences, and consistently applying the discipline when rules are broken. Mindness, but firmness, is the key in applying discipline.

1 % feel li"e % am always the one who has to discipline our children and my spouse comes out loo"ing li"e the good parent *ow can we come together to agree on this issue$ #ecause we grew up in different homes, we often come to parenting with different perspectives. Aowhere is this demonstrated more than in patterns of discipline. 1ost parents will have conflicts over discipline of children. !he answer lies in recognizing this reality and finding a plan to deal with the conflict. 'ne place to begin would be to share a book on discipline. #oth of you would read the book, a chapter per week, and discuss the content. !his will e0pose you to sound principles of discipline. :ou might try, 1aking :our Children 1ind Without Losing :ours, by Mevin Leman, published by ;leming (. 9evell Co. + second step is to call a family conference and focus on your present struggles with discipline. Such a conference might involve listing the rules you feel are appropriate for the children and discussing what each of you feel are appropriate conse&uences for breaking the rules. f you donJt agree on conse&uences, then negotiate. #e willing to meet each other in the middle. 'nce the rules and conse&uences are in place, these should be shared with the child. !hen each of you knows what will happen if the rule is broken. !his keeps either of you from over reacting in the heat of anger. Mindness, firmness and consistency are three key words in administering discipline. ;or further help, see my book !he ;amily :ouJve +lways Wanted. 3 %s it biblical to span" my children$ %f so> in what circumstances$ -hysically spanking a child is only one way of discipline, and not always the most effective way. 9emember, the purpose of discipline is to teach the child the wisdom of following godly rules, by demonstrating that disobedience always has negative results. !his is what *od does for his children. 9ead (ebrews =>536=3. -lease note that TscourgingK or whipping is the last step in *odJs plan of correction. ;irst there is TrebukeK, then Tchastening or disciplineK and then Tscourging or whippingK. Spanking should never be the first step in correcting a child. t should be administered only after all else has failed. f a parent uses spanking as the usual way of treating all disobedience, the child will likely be hardened by the spankings, and become even more rebellious. !he first principle of discipline is that the punishment must fit the crime. Spanking for minor infractions is irresponsible parenting. +lso, spanking administered out of parental anger will almost always engender resentment in the child. Such angry behavior often leads to child abuse. !he best way to avoid such parental failure is to decide ahead of time what punishment the child will receive if he violates a rule. !hen administer that punishment when the crime is committed. !his will save the parent from over6reacting in the heat of emotion. t is helpful to remember that children respond differently to spanking. ;or some children, spanking will be totally ineffective as a means of correction, which is the purpose of all discipline. +lso, the child whose primary love language is Tphysical touchK will be more deeply hurt when spanked. !he parent is using the childJs primary love language in a negative way. !his child will feel the pain far more deeply than a child who has a different love language. ;or more information see !he ;ive Love Languages of Children. 4 % am having trouble relating to my child &e don2t enBoy doing a lot of the same things *ow do % relate to a child that is very different from me$ +ll of us are different. f we donJt enter into each otherJs world of interests we will never develop a close relationship. n the early stages of life, you must go to the childJs interests. When they are in the sand bo0, then you enter into the world of sandcastles. Later on, we can bring them into our world, but the process must always be a two6way street.

!he beauty of all of this is that your own world is enlarged. f your child is interested in sports and you have never been a sports enthusiast, you will discover a whole new world as you e0plore the world of sports. !he goal is to foster the innate interests and gifts of the child, while e0posing them to areas of life in which they may have little interest. !his is the way all of us grow into well6rounded individuals.

Family
0 *ow do % encourage my husband to be a spiritual leader$ ;irst, you need to clarify what you mean by Tspiritual leaderK. f he were a spiritual leader, what would he be doing) (ow would you recognize that he was a spiritual leader) Cntil you can answer these &uestions, the idea of Tspiritual leaderK is too nebulous to be meaningful. 'nce you know what you would like to see in your husband as a spiritual leader, then let me suggest the following principles as you seek change5

7en respond positively to praise. Dook for so ething he is doing right and e)press appreciation. &elling hi about his failures does not otivate hi to change. Re#uests are ore productive than de ands. EWould you read this devotional for us before 7ary goes to bedFG is likely to get better results than' EAf you donHt start reading the 2ible to 7ary she is going to grow up and beco e a pagan.G A husband who has a full Elove tankG is ore easily otivated to ake positive changes. 7ake sure you know your husbandHs Epri ary love languageG and speak it often. Af he genuinely feels your love' he will be ore open to your re#uests.

;or additional help see !he ;amily :ouJve +lways Wanted. 1 !he children are gone Now what$ *ow do we relate to each other after all the children leave the home$ !his is when your focus of the past twenty years becomes apparent. f you have focused on the children, then you may have to start back at ground zero and rebuild your marriage relationship. f you have focused on each other, while raising the children, then you will climb new heights of marital satisfaction with the e0tra time you now have. Whatever your situation, now is the time to assess the state of your marriage and take steps of growth. suggest that you attend a weekend marriage enrichment event. !his will e0pose you to ideas on how to stimulate growth in your marriage. +lso, sharing a book on marriage by reading a chapter each week and discussing the content. + good book for this stage of marriage is !he Second (alf of 1arriage, by .avid and Claudia +rp, published by Wondervan -ublishing Co. t is definitely time for the two of you to focus on your marriage. .onJt $ust rock along and think that things will take care of themselves. 3 *ow do % deal with the holiday time when everyone wants us to be in so many places at once$ *ow do we choose which family to accommodate$ !he principle is to treat both sets of in6laws with e&uality. !his is not always easy to administer. !his may mean !hanksgiving with one set of parents, and Christmas with another8 with the understanding that ne0t year you will switch the order. 'r if both parents live in the same town, then we can spend half a day at each place. !his assumes that both sets of in6laws want you to visit. !here is also a time to establish your own traditions. +s the children get older, it often becomes more difficult to spend the holidays with in6laws. 1aybe it is time for the in6laws to start coming to your house. 9emember, it may be impossible to please both sets of in6laws. !ry to follow the principle of e&ual treatment, but if someone is unhappy, it is not your responsibility to make them happy. Speak kindly to them, treat them with respect, but do not let them control your own family decisions.

4 *ow do % handle a parent<in,law that is easily offended$ -eople develop emotional patterns in responding to life. ;or e0ample, some people are pessimistic while others are optimistic. n the same way, some are easily offended, while others let most things roll off without giving them another thought. !ypically, these patterns are well established by the time we reach adulthood. :ou are not likely to change your parentsJ or in6lawsJ emotional patterns, nor is this your responsibility. What is important is that you not allow their emotional response to make you feel guilty. t is not your fault that they are offended. f they were not offended by you, they would be offended by someone else. #eing offended is a part of who they are. Cntil they get tired of their own attitudes, they are not likely to reach out for help. :our responsibility is to treat them kindly, respect them for who they are, e0press appreciation for their contribution to your life, love them as a person of worth, and pray for them. .onJt become offended because they are offended. 4esus said, Tbless those who curse youK ,1atthew 35EE/. Choose the high road and perhaps someday your parents or in6laws will $oin you. 5 My spouse has been offered a Bob on the other side of the country and my parents are very angry that we would thin" about moving away from them &hat do we do$ #eing a grandparent, can understand your parentsJ feelings. tJs nice to have the children and grandchildren nearby. (owever, you must not make your decision based on their desires. Aor should you make the decision simply to prove to them that they cannot control your lives. !he decision to take the $ob or to decline must be made by weighing numerous factors, as well as seeking *odJs direction. f you and your spouse conclude that the $ob is right for you, then you must accept the $ob. n that case, suggest that you e0press sympathy for your parentsJ feelings. +ssure them that you will visit as often as possible, and keep in touch by phone or e6mail. #ut donJt let their tears dissuade you. 9emember the Scriptures say that when we marry, we are to Tleave our father and mother and cleave to each otherK ,%phesians 35<=/. 6 &e are supposed to leave our families and cleave to one another> but my spouse is so attached to his<her family that % feel left out :ou feel left out because your emotional need for love is not being met by your spouse. :ou feel that hisNher parents are more important than you. (owever, the answer is not to blast your spouse with angry lectures about being overly attached to parents. When you do that, you drive your spouse away. !hey want to be with their parents even more, because the parents are loving and kind, while you are angry and demanding. + better approach is to focus on meeting each otherJs need for emotional love. Leave herNhis parents out of the discussion. ;ind out what makes your spouse feel loved, and share what makes you feel loved. .iscover each othersJ primary love language. + fun way to do this is to read my book !he ;ive Love Languages together. 1any couples find that sharing this book creates a whole new climate in their relationship. When each of you is speaking the otherJs primary love language on a regular basis, your spouse will have positive emotions toward you. :ou may find they spend less time with parents and more time with you. f not, then you can share your concerns. :our spouse is more likely to hear you because heNshe feels your love so deeply. Without creating this love bond, you will argue endlessly about herNhis parents and eventually destroy your marriage. 7 % want to honor my parents but they are constantly trying to give us advice *ow do % let them "now that we need to ma"e these decisions on our own$ !hree things are important. ;irst, you must understand that your parentsJ intentions are good. !hey are not trying to make your life miserable. !hey are trying to help you avoid making poor decisions. Second, there is a good chance that your parents have more wisdom than you, since they have been around longer and have had more e0perience. !hird, it is true that your parents should not control your life after you are married. (ow do you put these three together and get the best of both worlds) suggest you ask for your parentsJ advice before they have a chance to give it. :ou take the initiative in seeking their wisdom. !hen pray for *odJs wisdom. !hen discuss the matter with your spouse and the two of

you make the decision you think is best. f your parents ob$ect, tell them that you appreciate their input, you found it very helpful, but you are doing what you think is best. +nd leave it at that. .onJt try to argue with your parents. n time, they will come to see you as an adult, and respect your wisdom. f your decision turns out to be a poor decision, admit it and turn it around as &uickly as possible. .onJt try to make it work $ust to prove that you were right. ;or additional information see !he 1arriage :ouJve +lways Wanted. 8 &e are having our first child and my mother insists on doing things that contradict our parenting choices *elpC t always helps to begin by realizing that your motherJs intentions are good. *ive her credit for trying to help you. n fact, some of her ideas may be e0cellent. .onJt write her off simply because she is your mother. 'n the other hand, you must not let your mother control your parenting choices. :ou and your spouse are responsible for raising your child. suggest you listen to your motherJs ideas. !hank her for sharing. !hen you and your spouse do what you think is best for your child. f your mother is upset because you did not take her advice, say, T can understand that, 1om, and really appreciate your advice, but we must do what we think is best for our child. !hatJs what you and .ad did, right) +nd think you did a pretty good $ob with me.K :ou mother may not be happy, but she will learn to back off and wait until you ask for her advice, which incidentally, would be a wise move on your part.