SaferSexagreements:whattoconsiderwhendrawingthemup Polyamoryisaformofresponsiblenonmonogamy:Polyamoristspractisehonesty,communicationand consent,allofwhichgointoformulatingsafersexagreements.Safersexpracticesareanonnegotiablepart ofresponsiblenonmonogamy.Safersexagreementsaboutsafersexpracticesarepartofthebroader topicofrelationshipagreements,they'resufficientlyimportantandcomplexenoughtowarranttheirown topic. Manypeoplethinkthatusingcondomsmakesthemsafe.Butwhilecondomsareanintegralpartofsafer sexpractices,especiallyifyou'regoingtobehavingsexwithmorethan1person,there'smoretoconsider: 1. Whathappensifthecondombreaks? 2. Whathappensifyou'renotusingthecondomproperly? 3. Whathappensifthepersonyou'rehavingsexwithhasaSexuallyTransmittedInfection(STI)against whichcondomsarenot100%effective?Forexample,condomsareonly70%effectiveagainstHPV acommonvirusthatcancausewartsandcancer. 4. IsitokaytohavesexevenwithcondomswithsomeonewithapotentiallylethalSTIlikeHIV? 5. Whatifthepersonyou'rewithdoesn'tknowtheyhaveaSTI?ManySTIshavenosymptoms.

6. WhathappensifyoucontractanSTIfromBob,yournewboyfriend,andpassitontoAlice,your longtermgirlfriend? 7. Whathappensifthere'sanunplannedpregnancy?Unplannedpregnanciesinpolysituationsare massivedrama. 8. WhathappensifBob'swifestartshavingsexwithanewpartnerwhohasn'tbeentestedforSTIs? 9. Whatdamagedoanyoftheprecedingsituationsdotoyourexistingrelationships? Ideally,youshouldthinkthroughalltheseissuesinadvancebeforetheyhappen.Contingencyplanningis notonlyaverygoodidea,it'sresponsible.Everypersonhasdifferentcomfortlevelsregardingsexualactivity andrisk..Whatmightbeanacceptableriskforonepersonisunthinkabletoanotherperson.It'snecessary todetermineifthepeopleyou'reinrelationshipswithhavecompatiblecomfortlevelswithyours.Andbefore youcandetermineifyourcomfortlevelsarecompatible,youneedtomakesureyou'retalkingaboutthe samethings.Forinstance: 1. Whatisconsidered`sex'?Whatis`makingout'?No,really.Thisisaseriousquestion.Unknowingly usingdifferentdefinitionscanleadtomuchstrife. 2. Whatis`safersex'? 3. Whatrelationshipstructuresareyouopento?(closedoropenones?) YouhavetoeducateyourselfaboutSTIsandhoweasyordifficultitistocatchthem.Youneedtothink seriouslyaboutprocreatingandhowakidwouldfitintoyourlife.Onceyouhavethisinformation,youcan startdrawingupyoursaferagreements. AlotoftheinformationavailableaboutSTI'siswrittenfromtheviewpointofamonogamousrelationship.For instance,it'susuallyimplicitlyassumedthatthereasonwhyAliceisbeingtestedforSTIsisbecauseshe wantstobediagnosedand/orcured.UsingSTItestsaspartofasafersexagreementisabitofaforeign concept. Thenextassumptionisthatthesafestthingtodoistoonlyhave1sexpartner.Obviously,that'snotwhat polyamoristsdo.However,polyamorouspeoplecanbesafer. Polypeoplecanbesafervia someformofnegotiatedagreementonlatexbarrieruse(condomsanddentaldamsandgloves), regularSTItestingand behaviourmodification(examplenosexbeforetesting,orengaginginonlycertainkindsoflowerrisk sexualactivities). Somepeoplehaveverbalagreements.Somepeoplewritethemdown.Somepeoplehavesimple agreements.Somepeoplehaveverycomplexones. Somepeoplestartoutwithaverysimplesafersexagreementwiththeirprimary,butwhentheycome acrosssituationstheyhadn'tcateredfor(forinstance,movingawayfromrelativelystaticclosed relationshipconfigurationstorelativelyopenanddynamicrelationshipconfigurations)theiragreementmay 1

becomemorecomplex. Thefollowingarealistofthingstoconsideranddiscussindetail: 1. birthcontrol 2. whetherSTItestingisnecessary 3. whetherlatexbarriersarenecessaryinallsituations/acts,oronlycertainsituations/acts,andwhat kindofbarriers,e.g.,Condoms,dentaldams,gloves. 4. regularityofscheduledtestingin a. (1)polyfidelitous(polyfi)situation b. (2)nonpolyfisituations 5. definitionofpolyfiandnonpolyfisituations 6. specificlistoftests(toavoidhavinganargumentaboutwhatconstitutesa'full'setoftests) 7. listofvaccinations(hepatitisB,HPVHumanPapillomavirus[Gardasil/Cervarix]) 8. handlingoftestresults 9. incidentsthatpromptnonscheduledtesting(e.g.,riskyincidentsandnewpartnersinsexnetwork) 10. definitionofriskyincidents 11. definitionofunacceptableriskybehaviours 12. whopaysforSTItests 13. notificationprocedureforinfectious/contagiousdiseasesinnetwork 14. listofnotifiableinfectious/contagiousdiseases,e.g.,STIs,abnormalpapsmears,thrush, bladder/bacteriainfections,coldandflu,fevers,coldsores,etc. 15. timingofabovenotification 16. actionstobetakenuponabovenotification 17. definitionofsafetylevels 18. listsofacceptableandnonacceptabletypesofactivitiesineachsafetylevel 19. procedureformovingfromonesafetyleveltoanother(saferandlesssafe) 20. procedureforcondombreak 21. procedureforaccidentalpregnancy 22. procedureforintroducingnewpartners 23. procedureforfluidexposure(breakinskinandcontactwithbodyfluids) 24. modificationsofprocedures/behaviourswithplannedpregnancy 25. specificdetailsofHPVstrategy(itisnotcurrentlypossibletoeasilytestmenforHPValthoughthat maychangewhenthenewhighriskstrainhpvurinetestbecomesavailableinSouthAfrica) 26. specificdetailsofdeadlydiseasestrategy(thereare1400newHIVinfectionsadayinSA) 27. recommendedminimumtestsforsexnetworkpartnersandminimuminformationtobeshared 28. whatthescopeofyouragreementis,e.g.,Yourownboundaries,anagreementwithyourimmediate partner(s),anagreementwitheveryoneinyourextendednetworketc. ExampleopinionsonSTItesting 'Ithinkthatinaclosedsexnetwork,havingtestsallroundwhensomeonenewjoinsthenetwork(andthe newpersonpossibly6monthsafterthatiftheirlastnewsexualcontactwaspriorto6monthsbefore)is probablysufficient.Ithinkallwomenshouldhaveaminimumofayearlypapsmeartestregardless.Inan opensexnetwork,everyoneshouldbetestedforSTIsevery6months.' 'Condomsfirstofallanddon'tsleepwithsomeoneuntilyoubothgoforaidstests,andtrustthemnotto sleepwithsomeonetheyaren'tsureabout' 'Igettestedonceayear,regardless' 'IjustassumethateveryonehasSTIsandactaccordingly' ExampleDeadlydiseasestrategies 'IwillnotendangerthelivesofthepeopleIlovebyenteringintoanewsexualrelationshipwithsomeonewho hasatransmissibledeadlydiseaseandIexpectthatofmypartnersaswell.' ExampleHPVstrategies 'Iwillnothavesexwithanyonewhoiscurrentlyhavingabnormalpapsmears,orinsexualcontactdirectlyor byproxywithsomeoneelsewhoisuntilthereismedicalproofthattheissueshavebeenresolved.' 'IwillbevaccinatedagainstHPV(gardasil/cervarix)andIwillbetestedforknownhighriskHPVstrainsas partofmyyearlySTItesting.IwillhaveaminimumofyearlypapsmeartestsunlessIamadvisedagainstit duetomedicalcomplications.Iwillnotbeinvolvedinasexualnetworkwherefemalemembersdonothave yearlypapsmeartests.' 2

'IpracticewhatIcallHPVboundaries,whicheffectivelyeliminatesgenitaltogenitalcontact(atleastoneof usalwayskeepsourclothesbelowthewaiston),andforstricterobservances,Icanremoveoraltogenital contact,handtogenitalcontactandtoytogenitalcontact.' Resources http://www.cdc.gov/std/ http://www.cdc.gov/std/hpv/stdfacthpvandmen.htm http://www.plannedparenthood.org/healthtopics/stdshivsafersex101.htm http://www.plannedparenthood.org/healthtopics/birthcontrol4211.htm http://thetotalflirt.com/safersexandriskassessmentcharts/ http://sfcityclinic.org/stdbasics/stdchart.asp http://health.usnews.com/articles/health/sexualreproductive/2008/10/31/dontignorethesymptomssexual problemsstdsaffectmillions_print.htm http://www.empr.com/urinetestforhpvnowavailable/article/286324/# http://jezebel.com/5946480/rethinkingtheblowjobcondomsorgonorrheatakeyourpick http://std.about.com/od/prevention/tp/BeforeYouHaveSex.htm http://std.about.com/od/prevention/a/safersexmechani.htm http://www.redribbon.co.za/aidsfactfile.php http://www.serolynne.com/poly_stds.htm http://www.theinnbetween.net/polysex.html http://silkenvoice.blogspot.com/2010/01/polyamorysafersex.html http://web.archive.org/web/20100417084340/http://www.mandalaenterprises.com/handouts/AgreementsAnd 5Reasons.htm http://web.archive.org/web/20080102002110/http://www.mandalaenterprises.com/handouts/AgreementsWo rkshopHandouts/MoreRelationshipAgreements.htm http://www.polymatchmaker.com/main.mvc?MODULE=forum&Screen=THREAD&T=3512 http://www.polymatchmaker.com/main.mvc?MODULE=forum&Screen=THREAD&T=3311 http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/category/safersex/ http://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/pr885/safer_sex_agreement/

SouthAfricanPolyamory http://www.polyamory.co.za