Anterograde Tomorrow by changdictator http://changdictator.livejournal.com/3484.html Title: Anterograde Tomorrow Pairing: kaisoo broken!

lukai Rating: " #currently pg$%3& Genre: "omance Tragedy slight!angst Length: three$shot #'rologue/3& Summary: (yungsoo is stuck in the hours while )ongin begs the seconds because time stops *or someone who can+t remember and runs *rom someone who can+t miss the last train home. ,'"-.-/012 Daisies3 word count: 759 4unlight dri*ts into (yungsoo5s dream re*racts into something cool and salty and maybe involving heels digging into the so*t overlap between ocean and beach. 6e turns and the wet sand trans*orms into cold linens. 7hen he opens his eyes the cocktail o* seagull wings and shades o* blue is replaced by a ceiling meters too low a small window at the end o* a narrow bedroom and peeling wood *loorboards under worn rugs. 8t5s his room albeit not e9actly the same as it were yesterday because there are green sticky notes pasted over every inch o* every wall that he can5t recall having placed. 4econd skin o* colored te9ts and diagrams numbers and dates. A bree:e li*ts the curtains and ru**les the notes plays a melody in the tune o* dri::led paper applause. The sight is un*amiliar but not strange like something that must have happened once be*ore and slipped through his memory. ;aybe there has been a day between today and yesterday. ;aybe there has been more than a day. 4omehow he doesn5t have to read the notes to know that they will e9plain how many days has passed and what he5s meant to do today. <ut the little specks o* yellow notes amongst the green some on the *loor and walls and table and one on the pillow ne9t to his strike him most. The handwriting is di**erent. There are no dates. )ust words. (yungsoo props himsel* up slowly habitually reaching to clasp the night table as he slides out o* bed. "ug *u::y under bare toes scent o* si9 o5clock co**ee brewing in the ca*= downstairs gentle on the palate. 6e picks up the yellow sticky on his pillow and reads it >Your name is Do Kyungsoo. You have short-term memory loss, antesomething amnesia, so you wont remember what happened last night. But let me help you out.? And the one on the pillow neighboring > ast night ! put my head on this pillow and my arms around your waist. "y names Kim #ongin. ! $all you hyung. Yesterday you loved me. %oday youll love me again.? 6e takes a step back eyes wide and mouth cracked open. 6is heel crunches on another. >%his is where you undressed me.? >%his is where ! undressed you,& is posted on the wall right on top o* a green note that says @"i'ins no longer serves ri$e $a(es)*5+*5+,**-. A *ew inches beside another one says >.nd here ! pushed you up against the wall and (issed you really hard /appro0imately, it was (ind o1 dar(2 and we thought we should have se0.? -ver the table is posted >3ere you sat, dangling your legs. ! put my palm on your (nee$ap and you bent 1orward and (issed me 1irst.?

<y the treasure chest at the end o* his bed: >4e tal(ed about ballet. You hummed a tune and my 1ingers did an arabres5ue here /be$ause your $eiling is too low and !d rather not hit my head, o(ay2 here, grand 'et6 onto the 1loor, 1ouett6 en tourant and then sissonne on the ba$( o1 your hand. 7as de valse 1ast up your arm and you smiled.? At the back o* his bedroom door: >! leaned on this and read your green sti$(y notes while you went around $leaning up invisible messes. !t $ame to me that all the green loo(s li(e grass, and grass is boring without daisies. 8o ! hope you li(e yellow9? And as he opens the door one smacks him on the *orehead: >.nd heres Kim #ongin. 8ay hello to me9? (yungsoo looks up ga:e *licking uncertainly up the contours o* sharp collarbones tanned *lesh de*ined jaws. -ne millimeter at a time. The urge to slam the door and call the police because there is a stranger in his apartment and this stranger has written him un5uestionably $reepy notes hits him in the *ace. Thick pulse and di::iness make his head light and stomach turn. 6e really can5t *eel his *ingers or knees *or that matter. <ut everything settles down againAalmost as i* it were always meant toA when his eyes gra:e a dumb grin and a pair o* glittering eyes. >6i hyung ? )ongin says the corners o* his lips *alling though *eatures still so*t. 6is voice is new certainly and (yungsoo can5t recall precisely when he5s heard it be*oreAi* ever. 4till it5s almost too natural to rekindle )ongin5s smile with a tiny >6ello ? and somehow the syllables are per*ect on his tongue perhaps because he5s said it a thousand times already. 'erhaps because they5re meant to be. BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB ,'A"T 82 Lost And Stuck3 word count: :,;-9 (yungsoo has a scrapbook o* *aces and dates. 'olaroid collage with little sentences inscribed underneath. This is Citao new Dhinese waiter doing 7ednesday night shi*ts #E )une FB%B&3 here is Gi*an model reHuesting "hapsody in <lue with a dry whiskey every 4unday #%I Jecember FBBI&3 <aekhyun there but he moved out #E )uly FBB8&. 8t5s a synopsis o* Jo (yungsoo: neighbors acHuaintances old *riends new strangers presented with military precision. Kear the end is a snapshot o* a hunched *igure leaning on a brick wall with one knee bent and the other propping his entire weight. A cigarette rests idly between long thin *ingers. ;onochromatic grey ghosts along his countenance. 7hite smoke twirls *rom the ends o* his lips di**using through hair and dri::led rain into a strange sense o* solitude. Two words are scratched underneath. <eighbor, smo(ing. $$ The newspaper is dated %F )uly FB%F. <ut more than the *act that (yungsoo can swear it was only F4 Kovember FBB8 yesterday his shirt takes up a good Huarter the *ront page photo. 6is *avorite shirt. The one that he5d gotten *or being employee o* the week with a lopsided hand$sewn 'ororo logo right up in all o* its magni*ied glory on the cover story. 6astily scanning over the headlines o* @massive disorder in downtown 8eoul $aused by raining money (yungsoo *ocuses back on the picture. 8t5s certainly his shirt the one that he5s wearing right now and has rolled out o* bed in twenty minutes ago in *act. ;ore precisely the one that he can5t remember wearing to any e9pensive penthouse which apparently the picture was taken in. According to the article >=steemed novelist Kim #ongin has 'ust been bailed out 1or destru$tion o1

publi$ order, a1ter literally blowing a storm o1 hundred-thousand won bills out the window o1 his 8eoul penthouse with an unnamed a$$ompli$e. >alling it a ?billion-won $on1etti display, he has $aused the largest tra11i$ 'am in 8eoul history, e11e$tively blo$(ing o11 streets within a two-(ilometer distan$e as $ity residents rushed to $olle$t the money.? <ut according to (yungsoo as he shoves the newspaper under ;inseok5s nose >Kational 'ost is pulling really elaborate pranks these daysAbut where did they *ind my shirtL? ;inseok *rowns hard at the article and really hard at (yungsoo and then towards the other end o* the bar. (yungsoo is too busy re$reading the article and double$checking his shirt to notice it or the *act that there is someone e9ceptionally well$dressed seated at the end ;inseok5s wide$eyed stare someone hiding an amused turn o* the lips behind a glass o* whiskey. $$ They meet *or the *irst time (yungsoo thinks in the apartment elevator. 8t5s early Mriday morning %3th o* )uly an hour when the world runs on uncertain lamplights drunken howls and the occasional punch o* laughter. There are just the two o* them at this hour and an obtrusive kind o* silence. 6aving just returned *rom the bar (yungsoo tries to *ight o** the cocktail o* metallic smoke and the thick scent o* alcohol caught in his hair. The last ringlets o* sa9ophone nestle over his *ingers and cinHuillo beat lingers under his skin but none o* it is enough to *ill the abyss that stands between him and the stranger. The stranger with an unlit cigarette between his teeth turns *irst. The un*lattering elevator lighting enshrouds him in jaundice yellow and a heavy veil o* lethargy. (yungsoo wonders with the cinHuillo pounding into his veins i* the man5s skin is as plastic as it seems. >6ot. The weather. 8t5s hot ? he says pro**ering a hand that (yungsoo grabs with hesitation. 6is grasp is surprisingly cold long *ingers and nails cut short and sharp leathery skin stretched taut over gaunt knuckles. >0m ? (yungsoo balks as soon as he catches the stranger staring holes into his *ace. The handshake suddenly *eels more o* a deliberate judgment than an abrupt greeting. ;ore *rightening than tense and more aw*ul than awkward. <etween the creaks o* the elevator *looring and sputters o* the *luorescent light bulb (yungsoo5s voice comes out as a sHueak two pitches higher than it5s supposed to be >Geah. 6ot tonight.? The stranger says nothing. 8nstead he leans back on the elevator walls and stares eyes *lickering up and down the length o* (yungsoo5s *igure. 8t5s the kind o* stare that makes (yungsoo draw back behind his jacket though a thin layer o* cashmere does little to hide him *rom the other5s glaring *i9ation. Time stands on its toes until the doors open when (yungsoo lets out a gasp o* air he didn5t know he was holding in. -nly later a*ter (yungsoo has worked his way down the apartment corridors and noted that the stranger has trailed a*ter him does he reali:e that it5s probably not the *irst time they5ve met. >Jo 8 know you *rom somewhereL? 6e *inally asks voice echoing uneasily down the long hallways. The stranger has stopped at the neighboring door twirling a keychain around his *ore*inger. A sliver o* moonlight works in *rom the railings and gleams o** o* something on his suit. (yungsoo notes a pair o* cu**links shiny and e9pensive$looking too e9pensive$looking to belong to someone who would live in this kind o* residence. >Jo youL? The stranger5s lips work into a slow smirk. (yungsoo picks the lint in his pocket. 6e doesn5t remember coming upon the stranger5s *ace while reviewing the memory book earlier. <ut perhaps he skipped a page. 8t5s happened be*ore. 6e hurriedly reaches *or his bag and is stopped with a bark o* laughter >4o you weren5t kidding about

the amnesia.? >7hatL? >8nteresting. Dool. "eally. 7hat5s the last thing you remember doingL? The stranger interrupts in no apparent hurry as he slumps against his door and regards the way (yungsoo is *umbling with the lock. 1ven in the dark the twinkle o* sadistic amusement gleaming *rom his grin is distinct. 8t makes him look older than he seems almost sadly so. (yungsoo thinks so hard he *orgets to answer and by the time he turns around again the stranger has gone. $$ They meet again *or the *irst time in the staircase. The sun is breaking into a ;onday. A gust o* summer blows away the last rays o* moonlight. (yungsoo rushes down *or his job at the *actory and the man with an unlit cigarette between his lips works his way up. Their ga:es collide and maybe their shoulders gra:e and that5s enough *or (yungsoo to *ree:e mid$step. <ut the man doesn5t spare a second to acknowledge (yungsoo5s *labbergasted stare. 6e simply keeps climbing whee:ing and panting *ace pale and beaded with perspiration. (yungsoo watches his legs Huiver and wobble with each step as i* they5re no longer strong enough to support the invisible enormous weight on his shoulders. As i* he would Huake and topple over with the smallest tickle o* a bree:e. 8t5s almost breathtaking how broken his back looks *rom this angle all *abrics caving over blades o* bones sharp angles and emaciated lines. 6al* a thought passes about maybe taking a photo o* this man but (yungsoo doesn5t know what he would label that photo and plus he5s late *or work so he runs on. Mor (yungsoo summers in suburban 4eoul are made o* me::o voices threading deep into midnight cardboard bo9es o* le*tover toys dragging across rubber conveyor belts red bean slush and wrinkled newspapers under so*t kisses o* dusk. There are more entries in his scrapbooks now. 6is li*e is surging with columns o* black notes3 Citao and Gi*an are now more than *riends ;inseok has *ound a new tune3 there is a stranger living in the vacated apartment to the le*t and they might have spoken be*ore. $$ They meet *or the last o* *irst times when (yungsoo swings open his door and comes *ace to *ace with enormous dilated pupils. >6i ? the man grins cigarette bobbing limply *rom the corner o* his mouth >;y name is )ongin. 85m a writer. Kovelist. 8 moved in ne9t door a week ago. Mor the sake o* inspiration artistry discovering poverty avoiding the press mob at my usual place so on. The point is: we5ve talked be*ore. Twice.? >-h ? (yungsoo immediately *alls back on his usual response >4orryA8 have anterograde amnesia soA? >Gou don5t remember me. 8 know. Gou *orget everything by the end o* each day so you won5t remember me by tomorrow.? )ongin steps back nurses a *lame *rom his :ippo onto his joint takes a deep drag and lets the smoke gush viscous and white *rom his teeth >Anyways. .isten. 8 need to get a manuscript into my editorA-h 4ehunAi* you knew him you5d know how much o* a *ucking douche he is but the point is: i* 8 don5t get in something in a month he5s going to nag like a bona *ide bitchAand to be *rank 85m out o* ideas. <ut not really. 8 have an idea. And the idea involvesN? 8t5s not until (yungsoo is coughing back smoke does he reali:e he hasn5t been breathing the whole while >0m yes involves whatL?

>Gou ? )ongin smiles. The thing about )ongin5s smile is that only his mouth moves upwards so all (yungsoo sees is a beauti*ul picture o* pricey starched white shirts and grinning misery. A whole lot o* su**ering wrapped up in e9posed teeth and narrowed eyes. The prettiest adjectives to dot an abandoned soul most delicate epithets to cross a closed heart. (yungsoo writes that down on the 'olaroid he takes o* )ongin that night. %his is #ongin, new neighbor, novelist, sad smile /@7 #uly ,*@,2. 4e will have interviews. 3e wants to write a boo( about me. $$ Juring 7ednesday5s dinner (yungsoo decides that although his daily rituals are simple and repetitive it5s best that way. 6is memory doesn5t last long enough *or him to keep up with long$ term changes and it5s not like he can grow tired o* doing something he can5t remember doing in any case. >4o what do you doL? )ongin interrupts a pen tucked behind his ear and another one between his *ingers. (yungsoo says that he works at the neighboring toy *actory *rom nine to *ive gluing little shiny little marble eyes onto stu**ed cartoon characters. A breath o* arti*iciality *or the sparkle o* li*e. The job is purely *or *inancial support albeit (yungsoo thinks that he might have grown attached to his coworkers and the plushness o* the toys the so*t *abrics the *orever cheer*ul smiles. The job makes just enough *or rent and necessities. 4till it5s alright because seven o5clock *i9es everything. At seven he heads *or the bar to nurse transient melodies *rom his soul. Technically the hour is about demurely collecting change under drunken chaos but *or (yungsoo it5s about molding words out o* thin air gasps o* smoke and shudders o* music closed eyes and *aint sighs embracing the crop circles o* sawdust in the carpets. 8t5s about muses slipping through *ingers and curling around his toes. 4even is about passion. A dream. (yungsoo lets all the two hundred and si9 bones o* his body *all in place as he breathes >8t might be lackluster 8 guess. <ut it5s hard to *eel the lackluster when you5ve never really *elt the luster. Melt alive 8 mean.? >4o you5re like a walking corpseL? >;ore like a walking *ossil.? ;inseok his childhood *riend and *ellow singer in the bar always jokes that because time has stopped *or (yungsoo *our years ago he must be perpetually twenty years old. <ut it5s not really a joke and people have stopped laughing a long time ago. >8 think it5s *unny though ? )ongin remarks dropping his cigarette stub in the beer can be*ore taking an appreciative sip. (yungsoo tries not to wonder how it tastes nicotine and tobacco drowning in *i::ling wheat. 8nstead he peers over at )ongin5s notepad and the little illegible lines o* black ink le*t sprawled over the edges. )ongin e9plains that they5re *or a book he5s writing. A romance about a man who erases himsel* at the end o* each day. (yungsoo Huestions the romance in that. )ongin says no worries writers are certi*ied bullshitters3 just kill someone and it5ll end up romantic. They met *or second time twenty minutes ago when )ongin banged on (yungsoo5s door with a si9$ pack o* 6ite and a joint poking out between la9 *ingers >6i 85m )ongin your new neighbor. 7e5ve met be*oreA? at which point (yungsoo promptly reached *or his book and )ongin commented >85m on the last page 8 think. The guy wearing a suit.? (yungsoo stared at the photo and back at )ongin and then twenty minutes later here they are: sitting on the *ire escape talking about large philosophies and sub$ideal romances that (yungsoo can5t Huite loop his head around. Their knuckles and shoulders are bumping which makes (yungsoo uncom*ortable and even more so that )ongin doesn5t seem to care. 8n *act )ongin

doesn5t seem to be the type to care about anything. >7hat do you mean it5s *unnyL? >;ore importantly how does it *eel to be perpetually twenty years oldL? (yungsoo contemplates >/ood.? ><ut isn5t it terribleL Gou5re caught in time but time moves on. Gou can5t remember people coming or leaving. The world diminishes around you while you5re stuck in the center. All o* your old *riends leave or die and you can5t make new ones. Gou can5t love. Gou can5t hate.? >4o why is it *unnyL? >8t5s so sad it5s *unny ? )ongin shrugs >'eople tend to *eel bad *or poor harmless souls like you. Darrying a larger$than$li*e burden with smaller$than$li*e ambitions. .ike watching an ant die under a magni*ying glass and sHuealing in joy over the sadness o* it all. 8t5s hilarious. 7ell 8 mean 8 make a living o** e9ploiting it *or all it5s worth but it5s still hilarious.? )ongin *licks o** the end o* his cigarette and they watch ashes swirl down three *lights o* stairs together. A bree:e. )ongin inhales summer e9hales to9ins. (yungsoo picks at his toes and *ingers and the little bits o* rust in the steel staircase be*ore saying decisively something that he isn5t sure he wanted to say >Gou sound so miserable.? >All novelists are.? >8s that why you smoke so muchL? )ongin writes @ine0pli$ably Aood 8amaritan and $onse5uently nosy in the column headed under Dharacter Traits. 'retending not to see it (yungsoo nudges him *or the answer until eventually )ongin complies with a sneer >Gou don5t need to know. 7hy don5t we talk some more about how you keep track o*A? >Ko ? (yungsoo snaps *irmly >Ko 8 want to know.? >.isten the book is about youA? >This conversation is about us.? .owering his head )ongin mutters something about pains in the asses be*ore ripping his *ace back up with a blank smile that curdles (yungsoo5s guts >-kay. About us.? >8 won5t remember it by tomorrow anyway ? (yungsoo reminds him. 6ollowing his cheeks in on the joint until the little *licker o* orange disappears )ongin lets the words *lood out with white vehemence >85ll tell you what makes me miserable ? )ongin looks somewhere into the distance and that is when everything *alls apart >8 have idiopathic pulmonary *ibrosis. 8t means that my lungs are drowning in snot. 85m dying. That makes me *ucking miserable alrightL? The noise o* street vendors and tra**ic and children playing suddenly becomes unbearably so*t. (yungsoo stares at his knuckles and *eels the blood rushing out o* his *ace >85mA85m sorryA8 didn5t know you wereA? >8n other words god is su**ocating me in slow motion. 8n three years my heart is going to be lopsided trying to pump enough o9ygen through my body. 85m going to have organ *ailure. 1ating is going to be impossible because how do you eat a meal while breathing through strawsL And why do 8 smoke you askL 7hy do 8 smoke. 7hy.? (yungsoo watches his knuckles go bloodless. 6e wants this to end. 6e5s sorry. 6e5s sorry and he doesn5t understandAbut )ongin doesn5t really want him to. >8 smoke to die *aster. 8 smoke so that when 85m etheri:ed on the hospital table 85d go out with a swoosh instead o* a swish ? )ongin nods speaks o* misery in the *orm o* discursive gray ><ut this

isn5t *unny you know. This is just plain sad. 85m the saddest *uck on the planet. ;iserable isn5t itL? And a shriek o* dry laughter to punctuate the monochromatic anger >Kah 85m just *ucking with you. 8t is *unny. 8t5s *unny because my li*e is *ull o* this: you think you5re escaping until you run into yoursel*. Twenty$three years later it turns out that the longest way round is the shortest way home and 85ve been running in circles since the get$go. 7hat a riot huhL? Keither o* them laughs though )ongin does snort when eventually (yungsoo *inishes things o** with a gentle >85ll *orget by tomorrow.? Their interview dawdles until it5s seven. (yungsoo sings tonight like any other night but the words and tunes are coming out o* his mouth and not his heart and the only thing he can remember is smoke. The liHuid pain seeping *rom )ongin5s seams. 6e goes home at hal*$past midnight and sticks a note up on the wall a bright yellow one smack in the center o* everything so he won5t miss it tomorrow: >Arab a toy 1rom wor(. eave it by the apartment ne0t-door. /@9 #uly ,*@,2& $$ (yungsoo comes home *rom the bar two days later to *ind a stu**ed 'ororo by his door. 8t5s the same toy that he stitches at work and i* he sHuints hard enough he can almost be sure that he5s the one who glued the eyes on because he5s the only one who manhandles superglue that way. There is a Thank Gou card underneath 'ororo that says in angry black ink >7itys pretty 1u$(ing e0pensive 1rom someone who $ant $are.? 6e has no idea what those words mean but the pang in his heart is too loud to be dismissed. 4uddenly all the melodies and rhythms *ade away into an overwhelming silence. ;ore sour than disappointment more bitter than loneliness. Tonight the apartment ne9t$door is bu::ing with strident uneven laughter that sounds something like sobs. A whole multitude o* voices and chatter vague shouts o* uhan #ongin 8ehun under the semi$bu:: o* never$empty bottles o* scotch and vodka. 7hile passing by to take out the garbage (yungsoo catches a glimpse o* three very beauti*ul *aces *loating beyond the curtains a sharp glare o* chandelier lights the pungent scent o* alcohol and cologne and lu9ury. 6is own apartment looks particularly desolate at this hour. Jimness swallows all o* the walls and corners. 6e re$writes all o* his sticky notes in green instead o* blue and Mriday passes with the silent clicks o* gel pens against neon paper. $$ Though technically (yungsoo can5t remember having met the writer nursing what must be his *i*tieth cigarette o* the hour the card in his hand says that they5re supposed to have regular interviews. ;ore than the card he (nows that they5ve met be*ore. And the thought5s not surprising Anothing is reallyAperhaps due to the messy ha:e o* cigarette smoke that puts everything out o* *ocus: co**ee cups moist windows the *raying and tarred edges o* the writer5s notebook3 it slows everything down dulls all o* the shines into glows and all o* the corners into curves. The writer smokes hastily and (yungsoo *eels this alien emptied sensation watching him. .ike something cracking slowly deeply irreversibly within him. The co**ee shop during the evening o* )uly F%st is a low rumble o* clinking porcelain cups the continuous drone o* tired students whipped cream murmuring into cappuccinos. 8t5s not particularly loud but the noise is the kind to Huicksand someone. Jrown them slowly and leave nothing e9cept clawing *ingertips and air bubbles breaking the sur*ace. (yungsoo builds hal* a Huestion over whether or not all writers look like this with dark circles bruising eyes and comple9ion caught between yellow and white and occasional twitches o* the brow. The Huestion collapses as soon as the writer stubs out his joint and catches (yungsoo5s ga:e. -ne long hard line *rom one pair o* eyes to another.

>Gou okayL? The writer who introduced himsel* as )ongin demands briskly. )ongin doesn5t seem to have the time or patience to accept any alternatives so (yungsoo only nods >Geah. 85m *ine.? >Tell me about the accident *our years ago. -r well yesterday as you would remember it ? )ongin prompts. There5s a hint o* an9iety in his voice. (yungsoo can5t help but notice the ugly smattering o* bandages over his knuckles. The purple and green smudges around his wrist. And suddenly he wonders i* it5s a writer5s thing at all those angry eyes and bloody knuckles and unconscious *linches. >8t was just a typical accident ? (yungsoo says. Though he can5t remember days having passed *rom the particular evening somehow the shock no longer registers >8 was coming home *rom the *actoryAthe one 8 work at right now got hit by a *ruit truck. 8t was carrying apples. "ed ones.? >Gou5ve always been working at the *actoryL? >1ver since 8 was eighteen. 8 went as soon as 8 *inished high school. ;y mom passed away and my dad was sick so 8 had to *oot hisA? >Geah okay ? )ongin interrupts. (yungsoo can see the look o* e9asperation on his *ace and wants to protest and no it5s not just a typical sob story about just another kid playing hero. 8t5s a story about *amily and warmth and hard$earned cookies by the bedside and counting the drops o* 8O and praying to cartoon characters *or happiness. <ut )ongin is not in the mood to entertain any clari*ications >4o i* you weren5t such a responsible human you would5ve become a singerL? >8 guess so.? >And then you got hit by a truck. Terri*ic luck ? )ongin Huips and scratches something out on his notepad. Muriously. (yungsoo chews on his lower lip a bad habit. >AreN you angryL? >Ko ? )ongin snaps a beat too Huickly. (yungsoo *alls Huiet while )ongin reads the ne9t Huestion scarcely looking up *rom his pen >6ow do you keep track o* your li*eL All the details.? >0sually 8 take pictures o* new people 8 encounter put them in a notebook and list what 85ve learned about them. 8 re$read it at the beginning o* every day and update it at the end. -ther things 8 write on my walls and my planner. The temporary issues 8 put on sticky notes and paste them wherever. 0sually on my walls.? (yungsoo peers at his co**ee and back up again when nothing returns e9cept the noisy grinding o* pen against paper. >Jo you *ind that you have to relearn thingsL .ike i* you *igure out how to walk to the co**ee shop today by tomorrow would you *orget how to walk here againL? >7ell no. 8 can remember the answers. 8 just can5t remember learning them. Tomorrow 8 wouldn5t remember walking here with you. 8 would only know where this place is.? >Donvenient.? >Are you really not upsetL? >Ko.? >At allL? >.isten. 7e5re writing about you. A novel about you. .et5s not talk about me okayL? >7hy are you upsetL? )ongin5s shoulders sag and he drops his notebook pen everything with a clatter. "ubbing a coarse hand through his crumpled *eatures he stares at (yungsoo with worn e9asperation. 'erhaps he

reeks a little o* guilty conceit as he mutters >8ssues. -kayL 'eople with actual memories have issues.? (yungsoo doesn5t acHuiesce to )ongin5s impatient tapping >8* you need someone to talk to about the issues you know that 85mA? >Gou5re the per*ect person to dump everything on o* course because nothing would ever burden you because you5d never *ucking remember rightL? There is a vague *eeling in (yungsoo5s guts that maybe he5s said that previous line one too many times. ;aybe they5ve been in this situation be*ore: )ongin *rustrated and tattered on the *ence o* art and reality (yungsoo con*used and worried trying to help )ongin down with no idea how. >85m sorry ? he says *inally when )ongin has stopped retching *or o9ygen. 6e doesn5t take his eyes o** the way )ongin5s *ingers are trembling >Gou5re right. 85m sorry i* 8 asked you this be*ore and 85m just reminding you o* something unpleasant 8 really don5t meanA? >8t5s about hands ? )ongin suddenly decides. 8t takes (yungsoo a long time to recogni:e )ongin5s voice because it5s low monotonous and aw*ully Huiet. 8t5s nothing like what is usually and di**uses through the air like ether. >.isten. ;y li*e is about hands. 8t5s about shoving your diamond$ringed hands down my bile$ washed throat. 8t5s about shredding my soul with a pair o* your e9pensive gloves. 8t5s all about hands. Kails drawing crescent blood. 8nk$smudged *ingerprints down thighs. (nuckles crushing re*lections behind a thin layer o* paint and glass. 6ands hands hands.? A sip o* co**ee and (yungsoo presents an apologetic grin >8 still don5t reallyN? >85m dying okayL? (yungsoo *eels his heart plummet as )ongin continues with the numbness o* a man who has announced the same thing thousands o* times already >85m going to be dead in three years maybe two. 'robably less. <ut you know people won5t love me when 85m dead. That5s a *act. 'eople might pity me. 7orship me. 4ay that 8 was a genius mind revel in the great per*ormance art that was my li*e. And what do 8 do with all thatL Dan 8 sell itL Dan 8 have a *uture and a white$washed house and argue about what plants to put in the *ront yard with their *ucking assembly$line pityL? )ongin5s eyes are red. 6is lips are white. The silence is black. >Gou know what 8 think ? (yungsoo has no idea what he5s saying only an inkling that he probably shouldn5t be saying it at allAbut the words come out on their own >8 think that you5re just a*raid.? )ongin doesn5t speak *or a long time and when he does he doesn5t look up *rom his notebook anymore >4o i* you can retain memories o* how to do something do you also retain *eelingsL 8* you *ell in love with a woman today would you still love her tomorrowL? >8 don5t know ? (yungsoo gnaws on his lower lip again ><ut 8 suppose i* 8 can5t remember doing anything with her then 8 can5t reallyAyou can5t love someone you have no memories o* rightL 8sn5t love based on memories and actionsL? >8s it.? (yungsoo *idgets with his sleeves >Gou5re still upset.? >Ko.? >GouA8Aam not your *riendAor your therapistAorA8 guess 8 don5t even Huali*y as an acHuaintance butA)ongin ? (yungsoo stammers unsure again o* what he5s saying >Gou can talk to me. 8 won5t judge you. 8 can5t say 8 understand everything but 8AjustAwouldn5t you *eel better i* A? >4hut up ? )ongin snaps eyes still *i9ated on burning holes into his notebook >Jo not lecture me.

4hut up. 4hut. 0p.? >Ko )ongin 8 justA? >Gou don5t have any right to assume what makes me *eel better because you don5t understand pain do youL 7hat makes you think you can judge meL Gou can5t even love. Gou said it yoursel*. Gou can5t love so you can5t be hurt can youL Tomorrow you5ll wake up and everything will be *ucking *ine. 1verything will be *ucking dandy like it5s always been and hey do you ever think that you5re only so happy each day because you5d *orgotten about all the times you5ve hurt everyone elseL Jo you ever think about thatL 7hat i* you hurt someone yesterdayL At least normal people have the decency to *eel guilt. Gou can5t *eel anything can5t understand shit Jo (yungsoo becauseAyou are just a walking $orpse.? 7hen (yungsoo *eels something welling in his eyes )ongin has already slammed his notebook down and stormed out o* the ca*e. And it turns out that the notebook doesn5t actually have any writing on it just massive twines o* ink balled into ripped pages. $$ >Gou look depressed ? ;inseok comments one day sometime by the end o* )uly when red bean slush is no longer enough *or the heat. 7hile they wait *or the musicians to unpack their instruments and tune he turns to (yungsoo with arched brows >7hat happenedL? (yungsoo *rowns thinks back all the way to when he rolled out o* bed this morning and shakes his head >Kothing. 8 had a pretty normal day. 7hyL? >8 don5t know ? ;inseok shrugs >Gou just look kind o* solemn is all.? As (yungsoo chews on his lip and ponders over why he would look solemn when everyone has been per*ectly amiable ;inseok chats with Citao about how the rich writer guy hasn5t shown up to the bar *or days. They sing their usual song a *ew new improv lines be*ore (yungsoo reali:es that ;inseok was right. 6is heart is not in the music. $$ The night washes tides o* motorcycle hums and human chatter over (yungsoo5s immobile *igure. ;idnight has passed hours ago and his eyes are burning with *atigue but (yungsoo simply couldn5t *all asleep so here he is gnawing on his lip and *lipping through his scrapbook. At some point be*ore he5s reali:ed it he began counting the number o* new pictures to the number that has been crossed out. And to his disappointment almost all o* his old high school *riends have moved out and away and he hasn5t made any new notes on any o* them since years ago. 6e tries to dial <aekhyun5s old number and o* course it5s out o* service. 8t5s probably been out o* service *or months years. 6ow longL >6ey ? a voice pops out *rom the dimness. (yungsoo bolts a meter and a hal* and nearly shrieks. <ut somehow the person standing on the neighboring balcony doesn5t look all that un*amiliar. 6e has an awkward kind o* smile like it physically hurts to move his *ace that way >7hat are you doing thereL? (yungsoo hesitates about telling the truth. 6e does it anyway >Dounting the number o* people 85ve lost contact with.? >AndL? >There5s a lot ? and he *eels aw*ully like sobbing. The distant rumbles o* *riendship and laughter and camaraderie things he no longer possess push out his tears and he turns his head back to the

scratched photos in his book. The old *ading smiles and the pain seeps in one molecule at a time. 6e doesn5t want to cry and he doesn5t know why he5s crying >)ust yesterday 8N 8 was *riends with all o* them butN it says here thatN they moved awayL They le*tL They5re goneL 7hyL Am 8 really aloneL? The guy on the neighboring balcony breathes out *ogs and glitter clouds hiding a strangled laugh >Geah you5re really *ucking alone. 7e5re all alone e9cept you don5t live long enough to reali:e it.? (yungsoo puts his head down in his arm and cries harder than he5s ever cried be*ore and he knows this because this is not the kind o* pain that can be *orgotten by tomorrow. 6e doesn5t see the blank look on the other man5s *ace doesn5t hear the man5s cigarette *alling out *rom between his *ingers and onto the ground three *loors below. $$ The ne9t morning (yungsoo wakes up with swollen eyes and a sour a*tertaste in his mouth. There is a scrapbook in his arms paper cuts over his *ingers and the wall o* green notes makes him sick to the guts. $$ >85m not a very good human being. 8 haven5t been one ? a stranger in the elevator begins when (yungsoo stumbles inside. (yungsoo almost *linches e9cept somehow he5s not surprised to hear this voice. The low timber and the cracks around each syllable. A kind o* grudging reluctance shy naivety despite the words >85ve hurt everyone who has ever really tried *or me. 1ven mysel*. 85m a coward and 8 take it out on other people becauseN 85m a*raid o* admitting it.? (yungsoo nods and takes in everything about this man be*ore himAthe loosened tie the heavy shadows under his eyes and the caved cheeks the hunched back the pain*ul elevations o* his chest straining against a white$pressed shirt. 4omehow his swollen eyes the taste o* battery acid that wouldn5t wash out with mugs o* milk disappears so easily. 6is heart clenches as he reaches out and touches the man5s arm >Gou5ll be okay.? >;y name is )ongin.? (yungsoo might not have heard the last syllable. 4till the name is *amiliar on his lips as he echoes it >)ongin.? >85m a writer ? )ongin says and the elevator doors slide open as i* on cue. (yungsoo doesn5t move. They revel in the stillness the drone o* the ventilator and their uneven noisy e9hales. And as the doors close again )ongin tells a story about a boy who *ell in love with dancing and a dancer and *ell too hard too *ast. A story about someone named )ongin who was trampled under e9pectations and pressure and gave himsel* up and stopped loving people himsel* passion aspiration. 8t5s not a long one and it ends with a new story. >4o he became a writer and he wrote about that dancer who he loved and cast away. The innocence that crumbled in his hands inevitably. 'eople gathered and paid *or the pity party and it made him rich and *amous and sadAsomeone called him miserable onceAand he wrote more about corroding dreams and despair and moon$watching *rom well bottoms and it made him richer and sadder and more *amous and eventually god decided to put him out o* his misery. <ut he had to write one more book because he5s become the kind o* bastard who lived on misery. 'arasitic dependency on sucking the agony out o* others5 bones.? The elevator opens. This time (yungsoo takes a step *orward and pulls )ongin a*ter him. Their steps *orm a nice kind o* rhythm. >And there was this particularly interesting person he met who practically begged to be written about. 6e was everything sad but he was so happy chasing a*ter impossible dreams. 6e worked at a

*actory and wanted to be a singerAeven though he couldn5t remember shit. 6e was an amnesiac *orced to abandon himsel* at the end o* each day and who re*used to comply. 4omeone who struggled against the overwhelming odds o* loss *or a dead$end. 8t was kind o* *unny like watching a hamster run itsel* to death in a wheel *or an e9it that didn5t e9ist.? >They met one day in )uly. The day the writer *ound out he was going to die. 6e invited this guy up to his house where they turned up a giant *an and let it snow cash *rom the windowsAbig crisp bills. That day the writer was angry at the world and jealous and he wanted to show the amnesiac that he5d never achieve his dreams. That becoming a singer was the stupidest idea on the whole *ucking planet *or someone who couldn5t even live couldn5t ever e9perience love or loss or agony or happiness. That him becoming a singer was like a robot talking about writing love songs. Absurd and *ucking hilarious.? >)ongin wanted to show o** how rich he was how awesome li*e could be a*ter losing himsel* and giving everything up. 6e was someone who cared more about protecting empty pride than his own li*e. 'eople said big$ass parties with champagne towers and chocolate *ountains make a person happy so )ongin rinsed and repeated in all o* those and people said that he was happy. 6e was god *ucking happy andA? >The amnesiac couldn5t see it. 6ere he was this guy who couldn5t even remember losing his *ucking best *riends and parents this guy who lived o** o* tips and counted pennies the most pathetic kind o* earthworm and he couldn5t *ucking understand when glory was thrown in his *ace. /lory *ame wealth power status. 1verything that )onginAthat 8Ahave ever worked *or.? )ongin runs a hand through his hair shivering despite the heat. >That was when 8 reali:ed it wasn5t because you were stupid. 8t was because 8 (im )ongin was a moron. The whole time 8 was just trying to prove to mysel1 that 8 was happy that throwing away all 85ve ever wanted to be to wallow in despair to make a show out o* mysel* was the right thing to do. 8 moved into the shithole o* an apartment building you lived in not *or inspiration but to watch you su**er. To con*irm that you were su**ering. 8 watched you sing night a*ter night and prayed that you5d *uck up and go out o* tune and get splashed in the *ace with a tub o* beer. 8 tried to blit: your little cocoon o* bliss becauseAbecauseA8N 8 just wanted someone with me. 8n the Huicksand. <ut you didn5t sink. 8 was wrong. 8 am wrong and a *ucking moron.? ><ut you5re not a moron ? (yungsoo interrupts. They5re leaning on the railing on (yungsoo5s tiny balcony. (yungsoo is bent over the metal estimating the shadows splayed across the grass with arms tucked under his chest and head bobbling occasionally. )ongin is ne9t to him propped up on his elbows and *acing the other way legs crossed and ga:e on at the stars as (yungsoo whispers >Gou5re just lost.? )ongin looks at him *or the *irst time really *rom under his lashes. The moonlight runs down his *ace highlighting all o* the so*t creases and the plastic *lesh and (yungsoo thinks that )ongin5s so remarkably *rail like this so remarkably beauti*ul. >85m going to be more lost. .ost and lost and then ? )ongin whispers >-ne day poo1 85ll be gone. 85ll be to the world like those photos in your scrapbook are to you. The world won5t remember losing me.? (yungsoo5s voice is cracking all over the place and nails are digging up rust when he *inally speaks >Ko no don5t go poo1.? )ongin snorts the dismissive kind o* mockery that snarls youre 'ust saying it and makes (yungsoo want to grab him by the shoulders and scream that he cares that he really means itAJo (yungsoo won5t allow (im )ongin to go poo1. 19cept he has no idea why he cares and )ongin might be right. 6e might be just saying it. 6e might not care. 6e doesn5t really know this (im )ongin a*ter all doesn5t have any memories o* what has happened between the two o* them.

>8 just really want to remember you *or even one e9tra minuteN? <ut i* it were as simple as that his chest wouldn5t hurt nearly as much as it does now. Their shoulders touch a little but neither o* them moves away. BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB ,'A"T 882 Invisible Walls; word count: 7,;;, Im Jongin, and Im here to >7rite.? )ongin5s jaw swings open shock registering slowly on his tilted eyebrows. The seconds come and go skittering along a thin line o* hesitation. -utside the window the grass dissolves into the sky burred colors and bright chaos. (yungsoo waits. 8t5s not until )ongin spots the scrapbook lying open on the kitchen counter does he rela9 into the door*rame >-h. 4o you5ve read up on your notes alreadyL? >Gup ? (yungsoo nods and doesn5t Huite notice the look o* *leeting disappointment over )ongin5s e9pression. Today the conversation resumes in )ongin5s apartment ne9t$door. 8t5s a white$washed bo9 cluttered *ull o* balled papers hal*$empty cans o* beer a myriad o* achromatic shapes: sheets brittle and distorted over the nude mattress3 tapestries dangling limply like surrender *lags. .ittle cigarette stubs and yellow pills are arranged on a plastic co**ee table to spell >KYB<A8C>?. 1verything is a thin veneer o* white *ragility barely holding away the post$modern asbestos. 8t ostraci:es (yungsoo but takes in all o* )ongin laps up all o* his lethargic steps and long lashes. (yungsoo thinks that )ongin herds everything in the room together. 4played out against the couch )ongin is the kind o* guy to belong in this sort o* place probably or the kind o* guy who has gotten used to this high class super*iciality. A kind o* stu**ed hollow man shadows *alling between the emotion and the response. >Gou don5t like this place do youL? >8t5s all black and white. 8t doesn5t look like anyone5s hoA? >6ere ? )ongin calls suddenly. (yungsoo almost doesn5t turn around *ast enough to catch the bundle o* still$packaged yellow sticky notes that )ongin tosses him. >7hat5s thisL? >Dome on really. Gou5ve got to recogni:e these.? >Ko 8 mean why are you giving them to meL? >Gou were the one who said my room is black and white ? )ongin shrugs leans back onto his couch until the hollow o* his throat is *ully e9posed and suddenly he5s all jagged edges o* chins and cartilage and elbows knuckles nails >4o color it. 8 bet you5re dying to. And look it5s the color o* the sun. ;akes you *eel alive doesn5t itL? >Gou5re aw*ul.? >Gour admonishing stare ? )ongin grins >is my *avorite.? 4o (yungsoo gives in though only a*ter ordering *or )ongin to >Dall me hyung *rom now on. 8t5s ridiculous how unmannered you are.? )ongin laughs dismissively smoke e9ploding like glitter clouds over his head and mouth wide with

glee. 'ulling a chair up against the nearest wall (yungsoo helps himsel* up hal*$tottering as he tears open the *irst package and slips his thumb under the *irst note. Aligning it at per*ectly perpendicular angles (yungsoo runs his thumb over the edges and smoothes down the corners. The wall is toasted warm *rom the sunlight and )ongin5s voice comes in a com*orting hum *rom behind him mists o* little insigni*icant words dri*ting over wist*ul grimaces. >Jo you ever wonder thisAhow many ten o5clocks have you spent doing the same precise thing with the same glue gun and same bucket o* marbles and the toy *rom the day be*ore the day be*ore the day be*ore all o* yesterdaysL 6ow many times have you sat down at your empty dinner table and wondered i* tomorrow you will remember todayL? 7ith time (yungsoo notices that )ongin is really not asking Huestions. 6e5s answering them. Milling the *ootprints that (yungsoo had le*t behind. /entle and entrancing consonants broken *ull$stop and vowels tapering to in*inity. /a:e dipping *ar *ar away lost somewhere in (yungsoo5s as (yungsoo lights his walls abla:e in a *ield o* golden con*lagration. >Jo you ever think that you can5t remember because there is nothing to rememberL 8* you do the e9act same thing every single day o* the week every week o* the month all twelve months o* the year doesn5t memory lose purposeL 7hat do you think will happen i* you begin breaking the routineL? They spend the night like this. (yungsoo doesn5t go to the bar and he doesn5t sing just listens to the course o* )ongin5s whispers and the murmurs o* the parchment under his skin the beats o* his pulse seeping into the invisible cracks o* white$washed room. The process o* letting )ongin break him out o* his routine is almost too easy. At some point (yungsoo *inishes with the notes and )ongin with his Huestions. They5re on their old spots on the couch and the arm chair basking in the dusk when a tune settles between them. 8t grows *luid and e**ortless starts *rom the end and ends at the start and it makes an invisible string *rom (yungsoo5s tongue to the )ongin5s *ingertips li*ting them like marionette strings over his lap. -n their way to sleep (yungsoo molds the melodic lines the a$*lat the b$sharp$minor the )ongin look your hands are dancing the )ongin 8 like you a lot3 )ongin de*ines the meter the *our$*our the *our$three the hyung are you happy the hyung *ossili:e me in your time. )ongin5s last Huestion is a so*t one and he mutters it just as (yungsoo5s eyes *lutter closed >6ow many times have you neglected something really importantL? $$ )uly is the cruelest month and its last day the most bitter. >The people ? (yungsoo says and he5s so e9hausted today. 6is bones ache and his ribs cut into his lungs and he can5t breathe and everything hurts spins hurts spins. >The people are gone. All o* them are gone.? )ongin keeps staring. (yungsoo trembles and grips onto his scrapbook *or li*e paper crushing under his nails but maybe he wants to crush it. ;aybe he doesn5t really want to remember. ;aybe he can get in another accident and make all o* it go away ><aekhyun heA8A8 tried to *ind himA says here ? he *lips open the book and points to a weathered page *ace in the photo barely distinguishable *rom too many glossing touches >says here that he moved away. 4ee it says his number isn5t in use anymore. <ut <aekhyun was my high school *riend. <est *riend. 8 justA8 really wanted to know why he moved. 7here he moved to. All 8 wanted to do was patch things up in case we had a *ight.? >4o 8 called his mom and 8 could remember how she hugged me during graduation and told me that 85m just like a son to her and that 85m much better behaved than <aekyhun and that i* 8 ever need some motherly advice 8 should go to herAand <aekhyun punched my shoulder and everyone was laughing and itAbut when 8 called today she justN it was still her but she soundedN she was soN

tired. Mrustrated. )ongin she was si$( o1 me.? >Ko ? )ongin blanches >Gou didn5t really ask *or <aekhyun did youL? >And she screamed at me said to never call her again and then she apologiDed. To me. <ecause she couldn5t even blame me *or calling her to remind her that <yun <aekhyun5s dead. That he was killed in the same accident as me. That 8 was the one who survived instead o* him.? >.isten hyung it5s really not your *aultA? >6ow many times have 8 done this )onginL 6ow many times did 8 have to call her and ask her about where her dead son wentL )ongin what have ! been doingL 7hy didn5t anyone justN why didn5t 8 write it downL 7hyL? )ongin doesn5t answer. 6e shi*ts barely and slumps against the staircase railing. >Jid you know about thisL? (yungsoo asks *inally a*ter the seconds have stumbled into minutes and his nerves erupt into a *rantic shout when )ongin *ails to answer again >Gou knew about this didn5t youL 7hy would you let me do thisL? 7ith a sigh )ongin pries the scrapbook out o* (yungsoo5s hand >Gou weren5t planning to write it down today were you hyungL Gou5re upset but that doesn5t mean that you5ll do it will youL Are you thinking that maybe all o* this can go away when you wake up againL? Though (yungsoo makes a noise to protest he really doesn5t have anything to say. )ongin5s probably right. 6eavy guilt and maybe a little rage precipitates *rom the dampness in his palms. >A*raid. Gou5re a*raid. 8t5s better reopening someone else5s wounds than running the risk o* reopening your own because time heals pain like hers but it sure as *uck is not going to heal yours. 7hile the rest o* us move on you5re going to be stuck here all by yoursel* crying about the same thing everyday. Gou know that. And you hate yoursel* *or knowing it andA? )ongin grips (yungsoo5s wrist lowers his voice until it5s all ebbs and *lows >8t5s not your *ault. Trying to protect yoursel* is not wrong.? (yungsoo takes a ragged gasp and be*ore )ongin can start again he jerks his wrist out and snatches back his scrapbook. 4wallowing back the sting in his nose he scribbles >died 1our years ago /E@ #uly ,*@,2? over <aekhyun5s cheer*ul grin. ;aybe the handwriting is a little broken a little shaken blurred with little plops o* saline liHuid. ;aybe )ongin is shaking his head. ;aybe he5s going to regret this every single morning *rom today *orward. <ut at least he won5t be le*t behind. $$ )ongin carries in the *irst morning o* August and two grease$stained brown paper bags throwing both carelessly across the tiny dining table in (yungsoo5s kitchen as he turns around to e9plain >Gou gave me the key to your apartment yesterday.? >8 know ? (yungsoo points to a note on the wall e9cept he thinks that he might5ve known even without the note. 1verything about )ongin is new but *amiliar abrupt but warm in a way like something evasive to the mind but *ossili:ed in the sap o* the soul. >6ow much do you knowL? )ongin asks while pulling egg toasts out o* the bags and helping himsel* with great *amiliarity around the kitchen. >Gour name is )ongin you5re my neighbor ? (yungsoo *ollows the beeline that )ongin makes *rom the cupboards to the dining room >Gou used to dance but you gave that up to be a novelist and you have a sad smile and you5re always smoking becauseN because you5re dyA? The sound o* paper ripping out o* metal as )ongin *etches the scrapbook *rom the kitchen counter *lips to the last page and rips it out is almost too raw *or the ear. (yungsoo *alls silent and watches )ongin whip out a :ippo and kindle a *lame onto the sheet >Gou don5t need to know. 85m one o*

those pages that5s going to be abandoned one day. 8t won5t even be a pretty page. 8t5ll be blood and tears over pulp and paper and honestly it5s better not to have a page o* me at all.? ><utA? >)ust *orget it.> 7hen )ongin leaves (yungsoo secretly rewrites the page dusts up the ashes and puts them in a jar. 6e does this not because he wants to remember )ongin *rom today but because he wants the (yungsoo tomorrow to know o* the boy behind )ongin5s secretive smiles today. 6e wants the (yungsoo tomorrow to know that behind the )ongin who ghosts along cigarette stubs who tosses back pills with glasses o* milk is a )ongin who can laugh with his whole *ace and body. A )ongin who puts his baseball caps on backwards and blows his cheeks up at une9pected moments. 6e5s a child with an old man5s scars the gentlest romanticist hiding within a shell o* hard cynicism. Though (yungsoo doesn5t have a picture this time he thinks that he doesn5t really need one. The words come out on their own wishes at the end o* every stroke and (yungsoo thinks that they5re more representative than any picture could be o* that rare *licker o* stardust in )ongin5s eyes. -* the way he calls him hyung. -* the way he pulls both o* their baseball caps backwards and points out how they match. 6e doesn5t write that )ongin is dying. $$ The man on the last page o* his scrapbook is )ongin on certain days a writer on others and a stranger during brie* elevator rides. -n good days he has a smooth olive comple9ion3 on bad days he wears jaundice over his *lesh like a punishment. 4ometimes he is a boy sitting on the neighboring balcony legs dangling o** the ledge and cigarette hanging on parched lips arms poking out *rom behind rusted *ences. 4ometimes he is the tired man leaning against the wall drowning in the rain with hair damp and back hunched. 4ometimes they share a Huiet second in the corridors others countless hours speaking with lidded eyes over thick divides o* indigo smoke and ringlets o* blues. -ccasionally it hurts to see him makes (yungsoo5s chest throb with something heavier than pity but most o* the time seeing the man makes (yungsoo5s head light and di::y. And although (yungsoo doesn5t record the details there is always something when they come into contact. 1very time their eyes catch when they sprawl themselves out against the night sky telltale gra:es o* knuckles between shallow breathes. 8t5s something ine9plicably warm light transient. A little like *ire*lies. The kind o* something that lingers just long enough in his palms to disappear by the time he learns to want. The kind o* something that tells him this has happened be*ore and that ne9t time too they5ll *ly away. 4lip between his *ingers like *leeting memories. <ut this kind o* something is probably not romantic. >.ove you ? are two words that are never said. They5re too de*initive too abrupt without motive solid evidence rationali:ed e9planations because at the end o* each day sometimes )ongin is a stranger sometimes )ongin is a book but he is never more than a *riend. Time keeps them at arm5s length an invisible and impenetrable divide. Jays come and go and (yungsoo *inds the border between dont go and good night. -* course (yungsoo is always dying to reach out and draw )ongin back in. 6e thinks that they5ve *it be*ore even though between them there is no entangling o* toes or ma:es o* interlocked *ingers. There is only the tsunami o* te9t and slow wave o* music. And maybe that5s all they are. 7ith a tick o* the second hand he always steps back into >/ood night.? 7ith (yungsoo and )ongin there is probably no romance not in the usual de*inition o* the word. <ut maybe there is a little o* something else between com*ort and need between hope and *aith between the nape o* (yungsoo5s neck and the creases o* )ongin5s palm. $$

They5re two souls *loating on a roo*top o* 4amsung Tower seventy$three *loors up into the night almost high enough to blow stars into constellations yet still too close to earth. (yungsoo counts the number o* pills le*t in )ongin5s plastic orange bottle while )ongin watches smoke ripple into the air and dissipate. >7hat5s it likeL? >7hat5s what likeL? ><eing *orgotten.? )ongin tucks his hand underneath his head and they ga:e up together at the obscured moon and stars embedded in the clouds. 6e works his jaw up and down silently *or a *ew seconds be*ore the answer *inally pops a croaked >8t5s like being killed. 7iped out and deleted against your will.? >And what5s it like *orgettingL? (yungsoo looks deep into the sky >8t5s like dying too ? and never be*ore has he wished so bad to live just a little longer. Their knees touch. (yungsoo inhales the smoke that )ongin e9hales. Tonight they smell o* ink and rain and cotton and street$side snacks metallic *all and each other. >Gou know ? )ongin turns a *licker o* absence over his e9pression >hyung when 8 used to dance 8 liked the assistant. 6e was Dhinese. .u 6an. ;y *irst love 8 suppose. 8 respected him *ollowed a*ter him and he took care o* me. And then one day 8 broke. Dracked under the pressure and pain and 8 was sick o* everything. 8 took it out on him. 6e tried to *i9 me. 1veryone tried to *i9 me. <ut you know *i9ing a person isn5t like *i9ing a toy. 7hen you *i9 a person you put yoursel* up to be broken.? -ne o* them swallows louder than )ongin5s whisper >And 8 shattered him into too many pieces.? >;y editorA-h 4ehunAhe5s an ass. <ut he5s e**icient. 'uts me back together even i* it5s in the wrong way and my head5s glued on backwards. The point is he shoves all o* my pieces together so 8 don5t lose anything. 7e stick together. 6e keeps me like a stray dog 8 guess he5s good *or me.? >And then one day he tells me he5s dating someone *rom a ballet company. 8 go okay cool but dancers can be melodramatic. And he goes no this one5s great his name is .u 6an you two should meet up didn5t you say you used to danceL? >-hA? >4o we met up. 8t was inevitable. <ut you know whatL 6e still remembers what kind o* co**ee 8 drank. 1ight years and he didn5t even try to *orget me. 6e looks like crap even i* he5s in love with 4ehun. Gou know whyL 8t5s the memories. They5re killing him. 8 can5t save him *rom them. Keither can 4ehun ? )ongin grimaces and suddenly the smoke no longer *lows but sputters *rom his teeth >Ko one can save anyone *rom their memories.? 8t5s clear what )ongin is getting at. (yungsoo attempts *ighting his ne9t words but it5s ultimately impossible. >8t5s good that you won5t remember me really because this way 8 can save you. This way when 8 *uck up you won5t have to carry it. <eing *orgotten isn5t unbearable compared to being remembered. 8 can stand dying at the end o* each day hyung. 8t5s okay to *orget me.? (yungsoo doesn5t hear )ongin5s loud >85m dying anyway ? that gets lost somewhere in the stars3 instead he hears the muted >don5t let me die ? in the *ingers that )ongin laces into his own. 4o he leans over and presses their noses together gives )ongin his o9ygen and the scent o* tic tacs on his tongue and takes away a lung*ul o* nicotines shadows and ground pain killers and bitter opioids. >Gou know why you always look so oldL <ecause you think that nothing is worth remembering because nothing is ideal and you5re rightAnothing is ideal. <ut every moment is worth remembering )ongin. 1very time you *uck up 85ll get to see a human every time you *all 85ll get to

see love washing you ashoreN and 8 don5t care i* in eight years 85ll look like crap. 8t might be because 8 don5t have any memories and 8 can5t really be hurt butA*or meAto love and hurt and break mysel* down *or someone worth itA? )ongin cups (yungsoo5s jaw and tilts his chin and their *irst memory is o* one kissing away the disHuiet. And strangely it is one that (yungsoo cannot bring himsel* to record. $$ >.isten there was a time be*ore when 8 said that 8 wanted to write about you ? )ongin says. The sand shi*ts over their toes3 distant mutters o* the sea carries his voice away >The thing was though 8 didn5t really want to write about you. 8 wasn5t trying to write at all 8 mean. 7riting is about observing but 8 was trying to persuade andN this time 8 want to observe. 8 want to learn about you.? (yungsoo waits *or )ongin to stop coughing to respond ><ut 85ve been telling you about me. All a*ternoon. And i* 85ve been telling you about me *or two months 85m not sure what there is le*t to A? 6is sentence stops on a verb when )ongin puts his hand on his neck. )ongin rekindles it on a conjunction when (yungsoo gapes with surprise. A grin lights up his entire *ace small and somehow ear to ear no teeth but brighter than the moon and all o* the stars as )ongin says ><ut there is still a whole character you haven5t told me about. Gou5ve told me about the (yungsoo at twenty years old. (imchi spaghetti dry jokes lunches by the tree trunk. The one who died. Gou haven5t told me though about hyung the one who is living who sings per*ectly o**$tune songs in a bar who lives every single day like his last and *irst.? >8A? (yungsoo begins and that is when it dawns that he has nothing to say. )ongin5s hand is warm and heavy and per*ect on his neck. >8 want to learn about you hyung. Kot the you yesterday or the you tomorrow. 8 want to learn about the you today. 8 want to know how you *eel why you didn5t go to the bar today what your *irst thought was when you woke up i* you5re ticklishN? >Geah.? >7hatL? >85m ticklish ? and (yungsoo has no idea what he5s doing when he puts his hand on top o* )ongin5s and *eels the *lu9 o* warmth into his palm >And 8 like your hand here. 8t5s horrible. 8n a nice way.? )ongin probably meant to laugh but at some point the laughter decomposed into coughs that double both o* them over. And while they sprawl out over the beach side by side sand in hair and ocean in their *ingers (yungsoo caresses )ongin5s neck *eels the air whee:ing in and out and closes his eyes >8 want to learn about you too. Today 8 don5t want to *orget you.? 4o )ongin helps him remember traces all o* the lines and angles and pasts and *utures o* (im )ongin into (yungsoo5s skin with lips and lashes. 4leep is like wa9 polyester styro*oam wool graphite and it wraps him up be*ore he can reach back and try to grasp the ends o* )ongin5s toes and *ingers. >Tomorrow ? (yungsoo says at the periphery o* dream and reality. )ongin5s hand ghosts along his collarbones soothing his prayers >8 want to see you dance.? >7hyL? >7hen you talk about it it5s like you light up a littleN 8 want to see you light up completely. /lowing. -ver*lowing with it. .ike *ire*liesL? 7hen (yungsoo wakes up again there is sand in the ridges o* his toes the ocean in the ends o* his hair and *ire*lies in his room. Jo:ens o* little *ire*lies in the darkness be*ore dawn twinkling like

stars in the water shining into his little bedroom with the ceiling too low and walls too close. 6e stares perple9ed at their presence but even more by a strange urge to *all back on his pillow and laugh. $$ >85m here to pick you up ? says the man at the door. 6is name is )ongin (yungsoo thinks but he can5t remember where he5s heard that name be*ore. And as he *rowns and checks his notes )ongin grabs him close and pecks him on the lips >This should be a better reminder.? <e*ore (yungsoo has a chance to push him away though whether or not he would have pushed him at all is doubtable )ongin has gotten his arm slung around (yungsoo5s neck and began dragging him out the apartment >Dome on let5s go.? >7here are weA? (yungsoo yelps as )ongin practically throws him over the window pane o* a *ilthy$rich looking convertible a treacherous little thing parked up against the curb all black e9teriors and plush white interiors not even bothering to open the door >goingL? >To see *ire*lies ? )ongin says mu**ling coughs in his sleeves and it5s only when (yungsoo buckles up and looks over does he reali:e that the boy is grinning *rom ear to ear >"eal ones.? >7here are we goingL 8s there a *ield around hereL? 6e asks but )ongin doesn5t say much only turns up the radio and blasts pop tunes to *ill up the air and maybe to obscure his obscenely pleased smile. The car speeds *rom lanky alleys to the shadows o* skyscrapers and the grassy suburbs deeper into the night. 4omewhere along the lines (yungsoo notices )ongin sticking his *ree arm out the side dangling loosely o** the window pane and *inds the nerve to do the same. The wind rubs away the nerves in his skin and breathes in sparks in their hair. 8t5s a small thrill but big enough o* one to make his heart beat a tad *aster. (yungsoo begins singing voice e9cited and distinct over the radio and he knows that )ongin is watching how the invisible currents swirl behind his digits. 1bbs and *lows with the color o* his wandering melodies. 19cept instead o* driving to a *ield or even a park )ongin cuts the ignition in *ront o* an abandoned warehouse. (yungsoo turns to him gaping >8 thought you said we were going to see *ireA? >7ait ? )ongin interrupts and (yungsoo understands that he5s not going to be brie*ed on this until a*ter it happens so he lets )ongin drag him out the car with *ingers looped almost too easily between his promising things about colored smoke and light and magic that seem to have very little to do with actual *irebugs. 8ndeed it has virtually almost nothing to do insects and almost everything to do with a pair o* transparent gloves and an e9plosion o* *lames over them and an uneven smirk over )ongin5s lips as he orders (yungsoo to pay attention. The door slams moonlight dims and (yungsoo loses his breath. )ongin is a *leeting glimpse o* hard muscles and *luid grace gliding through space but more than that there are literally lines o* *ucking light streaking out o* his palms. "ivers o* glowing green and yellow and blue light gushing out o* his hands and *loating like neon smoke and water. 6e paints his *ingers with a close shimmering precision. There5s no music just the hushed melody in their lungs: (yungsoo5s in*inite inhales long diminuendos when he remembers to breathe at all3 )ongin5s Huick e9hales sharp crescendos when moist heels slide against wet cement and palms slice the ebbs and *lows o* liHuid *luorescence into the night. And then )ongin makes a gesture *or (yungsoo to come closer a simple tilt o* the *ore*inger really but (yungsoo5s heart is in his throat as he wobbles up and it nearly jumps out when )ongin suddenly runs his hand down the *ront o* his shirt a sweeping line *rom his neck to his chest with open palms. Though the colors are ethereal and vanish into the air )ongin5s touch lingers behind hot

and un*orgettable. >"eal *ire*lies ? )ongin grins >.ight people up *rom the inside out.? >7hat are you even sayingL? (yungsoo laughs and even harder when he catches )ongin *lushing *rom the neck up. )ongin5s answer begins with a stammer but disappears under a bout o* *it*ul coughs and shaking *olded shoulders. There are beads o* perspiration over his *orehead. 4omehow it doesn5t look right. $$ There are one hundred and twenty$two kilometers *rom )ongin5s midair mansion to (yungsoo5s rundown bar and somewhere in there (yungsoo grips )ongin5s hand over the steering wheel and pulls them over >Are you okayL? >7hat do you meanL? >The pillsATessalon 'erles 'henergan Dodeine and how do you even pronounce this oneL And your coughing and what5sAL? (yungsoo tugs the little plastic hal*$mooned thing in the glove5s compartment >GouAis this aAvomit containerL? )ongin blanches >Ko it5s not.? >Gou5re sick aren5t youL? The drone silence is the loudest thing (yungsoo has ever heard. Minally )ongin shi*ts away looks into the distance. (yungsoo watches the way his Adam apple jumps up hesitates and drops and he suddenly regrets asking. 1verything breaks crackling along the seams as he croaks a tepid >7hat is itL 8t5s not terminal isA? >;y lungs.? There is nothing in the air but heavy breathing and maybe a hinge o* a sob in (yungsoo5s throat. >6ow many how many monthsAdaysAL? 6e asks wearily more tired than the ashes crumbling o** the end o* )ongin5s cigarette. .ighting up and *ading into gray. .ighting up and *ading. Mading. >The doctor said two years ? and )ongin tries to smile with the joint between his lips hanging like mockery and sadness >8t5s a pretty long time considering 85ve only been alive *or twentA? >Ko. 4top smoking.? <linking slowly )ongin *alls into a little trickle o* cracked sniggers. The uneasiness is tangible. >7hat are you going to do about itL 85m dying anyway. Two years two and a hal* years what5s the big di**erenceL 8t5s just a matter o* time and it5s not like it would matter *or you anyway it5s not like you can remember what we didA? 6is jaw is blunt and hard against (yungsoo5s knuckles and (yungsoo almost can5t believe that he5s just punched )ongin as the man *lies back and bumps his head against the headrest. 6is cigarette *alls and settles on the seat. >This ? trembling teeth chattering (yungsoo picks the joint up and watches the smoke twirl >this is what 85m going to do about it ? and stu**s it in his mouth. The *lame is still there and the pain o* being burnt is not the searing kind but the spearing kind. 8t5s the sort that rips through (yungsoo5s *lesh the kind o* pain that slices every nerve and hurts really hurts. )ongin5s eyes are unwavering as (yungsoo chews and swallows the cigarette *lints o* tobacco and paper and *ilter rough as knives across burn wounds. 4moke seeps down his throat and he chokes a little tears welling up cold behind his eyes. The tobacco tastes o* dirt and medicine and it tastes worse under )ongin5s e9pressionless stare.

>The ne9t time 8 see you smoking ? (yungsoo gulps it all down tongue screaming in agony as it presses against the roo* o* his mouth >85m going to do this again. <ecause yeah yeah it5s not like time matters to me. 8t5ll be the same i* 8 die today or tomorrow really wouldn5t itL 8* you think you5ve got the right to cut yoursel* o** *rom me why wouldn5t 8L? >Gou5re so *ucking dumb hyung.? (yungsoo is in too much pain to answer but he kind o* agrees. $$ >8t5s weird that writer guy doesn5t smoke anymore ? ;inseok remarks the *irst night that (yungsoo shows up to the bar in weeks apparently. 6e takes a Huick sip o* water and glances at the musicians be*ore turning back to (yungsoo >6e used to smoke them by the hand*uls 8 swear. And the e9pensive suit too. 8t5s like he5s a di**erent guy.? Durling his tongue absentmindedly to stroke at the burn mark that he5d gotten some time ago (yungsoo traces ;inseok5s ga:e to a man biting down a patroni:ing grin seated across the room. 8t5s hal*$past twelve and the bar is bustling *ull o* people and chatter but the seconds their eyes catch all (yungsoo can see is that man and the shape o* his lips the dark glint under his lashes. The entire room empties in the *lash o* a second until all that is le*t is (yungsoo and the man in the leather jacket. Puiet colorless surreal. At some point the music starts and ;inseok nurses a tune. (yungsoo moves his jaw up and down on instinct because he knows that it5s his cue to join. The microphone heavy in his palm and he waits *or his voice only nothing comes out. Jry croaks and Huick blinks and panic seeps in *urther when he hears ;inseok tapping the *loor in impatience. The man across the room arches his brows mouths something that (yungsoo doesn5t Huite understand and li*ts a hand tentatively. 'erple9ed (yungsoo watches his *ingers dance through the air and then somehow the sound o* a piano ghosts *rom nowhere glitters loud and clear and it all comes together everything sinks in. The melody travels through the man5s body guiding it into corners and curves and (yungsoo thinks that he is the most beauti*ul man most beauti*ul artist on the planet. The melodies *low *rom the man5s *ingertips and into his heart almost as i* that was the sole purpose o* its e9istence. 8t5s a night in a month like 4eptember or maybe -ctober when (yungsoo delivers his best per*ormance to a dancer in a leather jacket. And a*terwards as (yungsoo waits *or ;inseok to divide the tips the dancer makes his way past the tables with a bash*ul smile >8 don5t have an umbrella.? (yungsoo blinks suddenly aware o* the rain drumming against the window. ;inseok nudges him >6e says he doesn5t have an umbrella.? (yungsoo keeps blinking until eventually the dancer sighs and slings his arm around (yungsoo5s neck carelessly clearly a gesture that he5s done more than once be*ore and begins dragging him out >Dome on come on. 7alk me home hyung.? At the mention o* @hyung5 (yungsoo immediately thinks o* the last page in his scrapbook the one without a photo about a man who is really a boy a writer who is really a dancer a neighbor who is really much more. (im )ongin. The page had a note on the side that said to pretend to have never read it because (im )ongin doesn5t want to be remembered. 4o (yungsoo pretends that he doesn5t know that )ongin is his neighbor >7here do you liveL? >8 know you know.? >8 swear 8 don5t.? >8n your apartment.?

>Ko really.? >Ges really.? (yungsoo grumbles )ongin smirks and (yungsoo knows that he has no alternative but to take him there. 4eoul at one o5clock smells o* damp earth drenched windbreakers and )ongin5s *abric so*tener. (yungsoo o**ers to hold the umbrella perhaps so that his knuckles can brush against )ongin5s shoulder when they come too close in their unparallel lines. They5re in a relationship appropriately summari:ed by two slender silhouettes shoulders barely gra:ing *eet pattering down wet sidewalks somewhere between dusk and dawn. 8t5s a picture *ull o* adolescent naivety adolescent blushes and an9ieties and sudden pronouncements o* >8 like you ? and >what are you saying ? and >85m going to kiss you ? and rough lips gentle caresses mouth smiling and *umbling against knuckles and wrists. $$ >8sn5t it kind o* boring using only one colorL? )ongin remarks as (yungsoo darts *rom one end o* the bedroom to the other straightening out and reorgani:ing and dusting o** all o* the details because everything looks horrendous with a guest around. >8t would be a headache otherwise ? (yungsoo responds smoothing out the last wrinkles in his com*orter. >Geah but you can5t tell what5s important like this. 1verything5s green. .ike a lawn. Gou5ve got grass on your wall ? )ongin laughs awkwardly at his own joke while (yungsoo gives up on cleaning and slumps down on the rug >Alright humorless today are we.? >4o youN whatN are youL? (yungsoo doesn5t e9actly broach the subject because he already knows the answer and really it5s all *ormalities pretending not to know )ongin when he *eels like he does and when he has memori:ed every line about him in the scrapbook. >85m a writer.? >8 thought you were a dancerL? >8 used to ? )ongin picks his way across the room bending his neck slightly because the ceiling is too low and drops himsel* ne9t to (yungsoo. Their *eet *it together per*ectly toes scarcely bumping and all the lines aligned >7hen 8 was young 8 did some ballet.? (yungsoo asks *or )ongin to e9plain what ballet is like because he5s never seen it be*ore and )ongin decides to do a live demonstration with his *ingers >4o here5s the head and these are the legs and ready set goA ? an arabresHue he calls it >and when they jump like this ? it5s called a grand jet= and >give me your palm ? a twirl o* the wrist spinning nails dig laughter out o* (yungsoo5s palm >*ouett= en tourant ? and his smile disappears into curious *i9ation as )ongin5s *ingers skitter to the edge o* his palm and over to the back >here a sissonne one and a two andA ? they both stop breathing momentarily when his *ingers cross (yungsoo5s wrist and up his *orearm arm shoulder collarbone neck lower lip stop. )ongin pries a smile open on (yungsoo5s mouth with a thumb and leans in to smear it away with his own and it5s a sweet chaste kiss that (yungsoo reels in. <ut when )ongin5s hand slips around his waist to bring him in closer (yungsoo jerks away with a gasp >7ait no.? 4till da:ed )ongin stares holes into (yungsoo5s mouth as he scampers away perches on the side o* his worktable uncom*ortably >8 don5t evenN 8 don5t know you. 8 meanA8 mean 8 don5t really rememberN? and he trails o** when )ongin stands up grabs his hand and raises it over his chest. 6e *eels )ongin5s thundering heartbeat and )ongin5s thin pulse and )ongin5s whispers over his earlobe.

>.isten ? )ongin says >this is me in love with you ? and he brings their hands over (yungsoo5s chest and (yungsoo is suddenly aware o* how hard his own heart is pounding out o* his chest and the sudden heat in his cheeks >and this it sounds kind o* *amiliar doesn5t itL? There is game in )ongin5s eyes and a challenge in the small partition between his lips and (yungsoo has no idea what he5s doing but the moment )ongin puts his hand over his kneecap everything combusts turns into *ingers digging into back o* necks and messes o* tongues and breathlessness and bumping knees against hips. 8t5s almost natural to break all o* the invisible barriers between them reach across and touch the reality over one another5s *lesh. /uide hand over hand and lips over lips and they *it so per*ect together crevices into slopes and speed into hesitation. Mall in one another endlessly until they5ve hit the pit bottom until )ongin has gotten him backed up against the wall legs bumping the inner seams o* his thighs and breath scalding over the base o* his neck. (yungsoo *orgets to breathe when )ongin shocks the silence ripping his :ipper open and pulling down his jeans and brie*s at once. 6e doesn5t know where to look really because he5s never done this be*ore and )ongin seems more than *amiliar with the procedures as he *ists (yungsoo dragging hot *ingers until (yungsoo is so hard it almost hurts. 6e bucks on instinct and )ongin seems to notice the way he5s gripping back and studies (yungsoo *rom under his lashes >8t5s okay we5ll go slow.? Though the de*inition o* slow might be subjective (yungsoo is positive that )ongin is stepping out o* bounds when he opens his mouth and closes it around his cock immediately sliding *urther down the sha*t lips *urious and scalding and into9icating tongue *licking across the slit and rubbing impatiently up the underside o* his cock. Throwing his head back (yungsoo thrusts uncertainly into )ongin5s mouth though the uncertainty ends the moment )ongin moans and the knot o* pleasure unravels into his guts. Mrom there it5s about heat and moans nail bed scraping against scalps and whimpers pre*i9es to sharply gasped >)ongin )ongin ? and low moans su**i9es to mu**led shudders behind clenched teeth. 7hen (yungsoo is about to come )ongin pulls away and crushes him against the wall mouth *ervent and hot and whispering *ast instructions about >take my pants ? between >o** now? jolts o* >hurry ? electricity >hyung.? As (yungsoo *ollows his orders to the syllable )ongin peels away his shirt throwing it anywhere be*ore awarding (yungsoo with a light trail o* kisses *rom his mouth to his jaw and lower down his neck and o** his shoulder skittering along the length o* his arm until he *inds the junction between the *ingers. 4lowly with his eyes sHuared in (yungsoo5s he sucks o** their *ingers together. As (yungsoo reels in the warmth o* )ongin5s tongue )ongin pushes him over the bed. The *irst digit that )ongin inserts into (yungsoo hurts the second one is blind agony and (yungsoo waits *or )ongin to nip the pain away distracting little pecks spiraled along his neck. 6e rela9es in time *or )ongin to thrust in deeper and that is when his hips jerk up on their own. A strong wave o* pleasure punches him numb and inarticulate3 his jaw drops but nothing comes out. )ongin remembers the spot and when he replaces his *ingers with his cock it5s the same damned spot that he hits the same spot that makes (yungsoo let go o* everything. A noise between a grunt and a scream comes out *rom his throat. )ongin sHuee:es his thigh be*ore thrusting in again and *aster rougher over and over until (yungsoo comes in streaks o* white over his stomach and keeps going until a sudden sharp grunt. As they *all back onto the bed together (yungsoo worries himsel* about perhaps *olding up the clothes that )ongin has tossed everywhere and )ongin about wrapping his arms around (yungsoo5s waist in the per*ect way. The rim o* (yungsoo5s starched shirt scented o* cigarette *umes and the wet transition between *all and winter wrinkles at the ridge between their hips. )ongin slowly slides his hand down the buttons unclipping each one with the leisure o* time and the *aint bu:: o* pleasure in his throat >Gou know 8 never told you my name was )ongin. 6ow did you rememberL? (yungsoo *lushes *ace turning pink to red as he tries to bury his head into the pillow >Gou knew

didn5t you that 8 have a page about you in my bookL? >-* course 8 did ? )ongin mutters and (yungsoo wonders why it sounds as i* he5s been whee:ingA whee:ing this whole time maybe since the beginning >8 have the key to your apartment and no sense o* privacy or obedience. <ut you don5t seem to have any either seeing as you wrote us down even though 8 told you not to.? ><ut 8 would keep writing ? (yungsoo says >8 want to remember us. 8 reallyA8 want to haveA8 want to justAa relationship. 8 want to have a real relationship with you where we can talk about what we did yesterday or the day be*ore thatN? )ongin says nothing only buries his nose in the nape o* (yungsoo5s neck breathing heavily still. >Tomorrow tomorrow please don5t let me *orget you )ongin. 8 want to remember this 8 want to remember us.? >Jon5t worry hyung. 85m a writer. 8 remember things *or a living.? They stay up all night. )ongin makes cups o* over$soaked tea and they drink them on (yungsoo5s balcony legs e9tended and overlapping toes *idgeting against toes. (yungsoo tries to talk about everything he can think o* anything to keep awake because when he *alls asleep it will all be over the beauti*ul stars and the warm *u:: in him and the ama:ing smoothness o* )ongin5s skin gliding down his own the stark contrasts. 6e rambles about how nice )ongin looked when he danced in the bar like that how per*ect their voices and movements *it together how the sky is so clear and how the weatherman said it would rain tomorrow. <ut eventually (yungsoo5s eyes grow unbearably heavy and he slumps against )ongin semi$ conscious o* the cool bree:e teasing his skin and the lines )ongin draws into his neck. )ongin puts (yungsoo5s head in his lap and strokes his hair continuing (yungsoo5s words as i* they5ve never stopped because maybe things don5t have to end so Huick. <ecause he too is hoping. 4leep takes (yungsoo away anyway. $$ 8n the last seconds o* summer hours are always too short and seconds too long. The days are growing shorter and though (yungsoo can5t say that he has any proo* trepidation gnaws at him with every sunset and he can *eel it lingering over him. Milling the creases o* his skin gliding down his spine dripping o** his toes. A longing. A *ear. The sinking cold o* winter the rain without a beginning the same hours that he knows he5s passed once be*ore. And then night swarms in and paints everything blank.

BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB ,'A"T 8882 !omorro"3 word count: -,;,5 4unlight dri*ts into (yungsoo5s dream re*racts into something cool and salty and maybe involving heels digging into the so*t overlap between ocean and beach. 6e turns and the wet sand trans*orms into warm linens. 7hen he opens his eyes the cocktail o* seagull wings and shades o* blue are replaced by a ceiling meters too low a small window at the end o* a narrow bedroom and peeling wood *loorboards under worn rugs. 8t5s his room albeit not e9actly the same as it was yesterday because there are now green and yellow sticky notes pasted over every inch

o* every wall. Kotes that he can5t recall having placed: a second skin o* colored te9ts and diagrams numbers and dates. A bree:e li*ts the curtains and ru**les them plays a melody in the tune o* dri::led paper applause. Though (yungsoo is unsurprised by the state o* his room somehow he is taken aback by the overwhelming number o* yellow notes. The con*usion however *ades automatically into a smile when he climbs onto the balcony and notices a *igure leaning on the adjacent railings. >6ave you read the yellow onesL? The stranger asks abruptly glint in his pupils turning mischievous as he notes (yungsoo5s matte stare >/o back and read them. And open your door when 8 knock.? 4o (yungsoo goes back reads them and opens the door when )ongin knocks. Ten minutes later they5re bent over the kitchen sink making break*ast while )ongin pokes his stomach counting the ridges o* his ribs ruining everything the per*ect way. 0neasy stops and easy goes crawling along with arms around waists and chins sunk into shoulders. ;aybe this can repeat *orever (yungsoo thinks. ;aybe one day he5ll wake up an old man and )ongin will still poke him in the stomach breathe incoherent teases into his ear and make a mess out o* everything just like today. They5ll eat break*ast over the balcony wrinkled *eet in *lu**y slippers and gray hair too thin to hide bright smiles. 6e would like that. $$ .ovemaking between (yungsoo and )ongin is summari:ed by nondescript etches over *raying pages compiled in a little list that )ongin has titled %hings that %urn Do Kyungsoo on. -n odd days there are spontaneous combustions at the drop o* a pen even days there is )ongin molding his hands to the te9ture o* (yungsoo5s goosebumps. ;ainly they5re made o* regular nights at the bar when everyone else has abandoned them to a glass o* untouched 4cotch as arbitrator. (yungsoo *inds himsel* staring stupidly at )ongin5s *ace while he sings contemplating how it5s possible *or someone to look so *lawless and broken at once. <eauti*ul as inkworks happiness spilling over the contours like aged tea )ongin is like an arti*act o* lost per*ectionAthough the per*ection part bites the dust as soon as he looks up and catching (yungsoo5s wide$ eyed ga:e winks. There5s something about )ongin5s wink that makes (yungsoo almost drop his microphone and certainly the time signature o* the song. 8t doesn5t take long be*ore (yungsoo crops o** entirely because that is when )ongin has closed the distance between them pretty lips breathing blues over sleek perspiration. (yungsoo5s heart thuds against his chest with every semi$intentional bump o* the wrists and whisper o* >8 dare you really.? The game o* dares turns lethal when the lounge door shuts and leaves )ongin crushing (yungsoo into the wall >4ay that againL Gou dare meL? 'alms and knees skimming up thighs incoherent mumbles punctuating every whine and whimper. 0rgency runs everything over while *rustration guides hands down metal :ippers. -r maybe not *rustration.

;aybe just urgency because they5re always in a rush *or the grains o* sand vanishing *rom the creases o* their palms. <ecause as winter *olds into spring lovemaking is less about sharp thrusts and smoldering ga:es and more about humid silences trapped between the sheets in )ongin5s apartment. <ecause as spring comes the crests disappears and leave only a steady stream o* troughs. $$ (yungsoo stretches over )ongin5s mattress watching the curtains blow li*e into hundreds o* yellow sticky notes over the walls while )ongin meets the hollow o* his throat with both thumbs. A distracted whisper *ractures the calm >85m sorry.? The air resonates not o* )ongin5s little apology but o* the gasps o* air whistling into his lungs. 4liding his hand under )ongin5s starched shirt (yungsoo counts the number o* )ongin5s ribs with his *ore*inger. 6e leaves behind little prints o* sticky perspiration and come soothing >one two threeA?s. )ongin jumps startled while (yungsoo pecks the surprise o** his lips >8hhh. Jon5t be sorry.? 8t takes )ongin a very long time be*ore he rela9es into (yungsoo5s ministrations allowing the other to smother his palms down his sides and paint him in warmth and com*ort >8t5s just that 8 can5t even properly love you.? (yungsoo snorts digs his *inger sharply between the ribs and )ongin erupts with laughter which (yungsoo skill*ully cups with both hands and caps under a longer *uller kiss. There is a *aint shadow o* violet under their bodies as (yungsoo pulls away letting the hues o* his sigh dri*t lethargically. >)ongin listen. 8 don5t care about se9. 8t5s more than good enough like this. 7e5re already making love.? )ongin buries his *ace in the pillow. (yungsoo pries him out. )ongin looks away. (yungsoo *orces his *ace back. 1ventually )ongin breaks into an embarrassed chortle >Gou5re killing me hyung. Gou5re really killing me.? >7hyL? There is no response so (yungsoo thinks that maybe it5s just another one o* those things that )ongin says *or no reason. -ne o* those things that comes and goes. As the sky darkens the Huestion dissipates together with the light and it doesn5t return again. $$ >7here does a thought go when it5s *orgottenL? >8 don5t know. AwayL? >That5s vague.? >85m not a writer.? >Jon5t be vague.? >7ell it dies. The thought dies.?

>7hat i* 8 don5t want toL? )ongin *licks his :ippo open and shut watching the tongue *ire *lick around the steel cap. >Jon5t let me die hyung. 'romise me you5ll remember me.? >-kay. 8 promise. 85ll remember you.? >Morever.? >Morever.? There are times that the truth hurts more than the lie and times when the lie itsel* is pain*ul enough to rip (yungsoo apart. >7ill you love me tomorrowL? >-* course.? >'romise me that.? >85ll love you tomorrow and 85ll remember you *orever. )ust give me the lighter be*ore you burn my apartment down.? )ongin writes him a note to hold him to their promise >"y name is #ongin. !m the writer who lives ne0t door. 8ee you tomorrow, hyung. Dont 1orgetF& (yungsoo laughs at the e9clamation mark and )ongin punches his shoulder and they roll together under the covers over a slight slope o* hope. (yungsoo *igures then that lies are also what pieces )ongin together so maybe he can lie a little. The hope ends eventually and the lies *ail. )ongin5s voice is small and lonely as he mutters into (yungsoo5s hair >8 only have two things in this world hyung. 8t5s just you and dancing. That5s all 85ve got going *or me and soon they5re going to carve the dance out o* my bones and eventually they5ll take you tooN? (yungsoo lets )ongin snake his hand around his neck and draw him into an embrace. The *ire *licks o** and the darkness settles. 8t5s raining out. 'itter$patter on the windowsill. $$ There are moments when (yungsoo watches )ongin dance that he notices how )ongin5s movements lag behind not signi*icantly but just enough. 6esitant bucks o* the joints *ear and desire in the tell$tale hesitation. 8t5s as i* his muscles are straining *or something that his tendons hold back as i* he5s caught perpetually chasing some melody that is always a beat *aster. )ongin probably knows it himsel*3 the glimmer o* *rustration and grie* dilating in his pupils is unmistakable. <ut eventually even those moments disappear. There is no more *rustration or grie* no movement no struggle not really. )ust an apparition sitting on the other end o* the bar. Jisintegrating slowly into particles o* dust and light. Then there are the moments when (yungsoo sings that he notices the clenching and unclenching o* )ongin5s *ist. The bite marks in his lower lip the downcast eyes the

surrendered shoulders. 1verything comes apart not with a shout but with the inevitable gasp *or air. /ently steadily inevitably. And ultimately the sentence that describes )ongin as a dancer in the back o* the scrapbook becomes something like a lie because )ongin doesn5t dance anymore. 6e5s not really a writer either. 6e doesn5t seem to be the man in the page. 6e doesn5t seem to be a human at all perhaps just a corpse repeating at the end o* every hour >6yung do you remember whenNL? $$ (yungsoo is hanging between being su**ocated and scalded by a midsummer5s night as he steps into the elevator. The stranger already inside nods a terse greeting. 8t5s the %Fth o* )uly a moment when the world runs on uncertain lamplights drunken howls and the occasional punch o* laughter. There are just the two o* them at this hour and an obtrusive kind o* peace. 6aving just returned *rom the bar (yungsoo tries to *ight o** the cocktail o* metallic smoke and the thick scent o* alcohol caught in his hair. The last ringlets o* sa9ophone nestle over his *ingers and cinHuillo beat lingers under his skin but none o* it is enough to *ill the abyss that stands between him and the stranger. The stranger with an unlit cigarette between his teeth turns *irst. The un*lattering elevator lighting enshrouds him in jaundice yellow a heavy veil o* lethargy. (yungsoo wonders with the cinHuillo pounding into his veins i* the man5s skin is as plastic as it seems. >6ot. The weather. 8t5s hot ? he says pro**ering a hand that (yungsoo grabs with hesitation. 6is grasp is surprisingly cold long *ingers and nails cut short and sharp leathery skin stretched taut over gaunt knuckles. <ut more than that he5s trembling (yungsoo reali:es. 6is teeth are chattering and he can barely make eye contact. >0m ? (yungsoo balks. 6e wants to ask i* the stranger5s okay why he5s shaking like that but between the creaks o* the elevator *looring and sputters o* the *luorescent light bulb the words are lost >Geah. Geah. 6ot tonight.? The stranger says nothing. 8nstead he leans back on the elevator walls and lets his eyes glide down the length o* (yungsoo5s *igure as i* he5s waiting *or (yungsoo to recogni:e him. 8t5s the kind o* attention that makes (yungsoo draw back behind his jacket though a thin layer o* cashmere does little to hide him. Time stands on its toes until the doors open when (yungsoo lets out a gasp o* air he didn5t know he was holding in. -nly later a*ter (yungsoo has worked his way down the apartment corridors and noted that the stranger has trailed a*ter him does he reali:e that it5s probably not the *irst time they5ve met. >Jo 8 know you *rom somewhereL? 6e *inally asks voice echoing uneasily down the long hallways. The stranger has stopped at the neighboring door twirling a keychain around his *ore*inger. A sliver o* moonlight works in *rom the railings and gleams o** o* something on his suit. (yungsoo notes a pair o* cu**links shiny and e9pensive$looking too e9pensive$looking to belong to someone who would live in this kind o* residence.

>Jo youL? The stranger *rowns and it resounds much more o* a plea than a reHuest. (yungsoo picks the lint in his pocket. 6e doesn5t remember coming upon the stranger5s *ace in the scrapbook or the rows o* green notes on his walls. <ut perhaps he skipped a page. 8t5s happened be*ore. 6e hurriedly reaches *or his bag and is stopped with a bark o* laughter >4o you don5t remember. Kothing at allL? >7hatL 7hat am 8 supposed to rememberL? >Kothing. "eally nothing ? The stranger laughs or maybe sobs as he slumps against the neighboring door and slides down down down. 1ven in the dark the twinkle o* *ear gleaming *rom his crooked grin is distinct. 8t makes him look younger than he seems almost sadly so. $$ The watermelon tastes o* grimy windows and the air o* some kind o* invisible dimming melody decomposing at the veins. (yungsoo *inds it hard to swallow. 1verything is imperceptible today teetering by the edge o* e9istence. >)ongin ? he says picking out the black seeds with care*ul *ore*ingers >7hy are you so HuietL? >85ve always been Huiet ? )ongin responds. They5re sitting cross$legged on (yungsoo5s balcony mildewed walls behind them and an unending country o* suburbs etheri:ed be*ore. (yungsoo *eels like all o* it is just a *ilm set built out o* dust and cracking dreams. There must be a real world somewhere out there where laughter doesn5t seem an impossibility on the barren desolation o* )ongin5s *ace. >Ko you haven5t.? >Gou wouldn5t know. 8t5s not like you remember.? >7hy are you so upsetL? >85m not.? >Gou are.? )ongin bites angrily into a chunk o* watermelon. Trickles o* juice run down the side o* his mouth and he smears them away roughly with the back o* his hand. 6e5s upset that much is clear (yungsoo decides or perhaps a little more than upset. 7aiting patiently (yungsoo picks up the sound o* )ongin biting chewing swallowing hitching *or air. <ut )ongin doesn5t break out o* the routine only continues eating *aster and *aster. >.ook what did 8 say wrongL )ongin 8 want to have a relationship with you but you can5t be like thisA? >Ko hyung. 8 can because we don5t even have a *ucking relationship ? )ongin suddenly snaps brittle and cold >And we5re never going to have a relationship. Gou get it don5t

youL Gou can keep trying but you5re never going to remember me. That5s just the way it is.? (yungsoo doesn5t want to cry but a little whimper cracks his poker$*aced *aQade and screws everything up. )ongin grows angrier >Gou don5t even have a right to be upset. Gou wake up each morning and you5re all *ine and dandy but what about meL? >85m sorrA? >!m in love with you damn it but 8 still have to introduce mysel* to you every *ucking morning and do you even understand how that 1eels9AKo you don5t because you don5t actually love me. 7ithout all my notes there is nothing. There is actually e9actly really nothing. 85m really just a stranger to you and this relationship is all just a play. 8t5s just another novel. Mabrication. 1verything. 85m not even writing a *ucking novel *uck !m living it.? A*ter a long pause >85m sorry ? unwinds eventually *rom one o* them. ;aybe both o* them. >Two nights ago 8 went through and took o** all the notes about us in your apartment and yesterday 8 tried to see i* you would remember the night that we met *or the second timeAeven a little spark o* recognitionAbut o* courseN? )ongin laces his *ingers into (yungsoo5s and holds them together sticky smudges o* watermelon juice smearing over sweaty palms. >6ere are the *acts. 85m going to die. -ne day you5re going to *orget us. And then the day a*ter that you5re going to *orget me. Kot even because o* your amnesia. )ust because o* time. <ecause that5s what time does. 8t takes the little pieces. The insigni*icant ones *irst and then it sneaks the signi*icant onesN <ut then by the time you do reali:e it they5ll be gone and you won5t know what5s missing untilA? >Ko no )ongin it5s not like thatAmy head is bad but my heart ? (yungsoo presses both their hands against his chest and breathes in deeply as i* the air can *ill the gap between them. )ongin5s warmth seeps through his shirt and it makes his stomach light unlocks the words *rom somewhere he had not known e9isted >;y heart is good. 85ll remember you there. 8 can5t remember anything about you but when you hurt my heart hurt. 7hen you laugh my heart laughs. 8 can love you even without memories so just hang on. 6ang on pleaseL? A*ter a long struggle )ongin manages to *orce a smile onto his *ace but it Huivers and ultimately cracks as he says contemplatively brutally >This isn5t a romance novel hyung. 8t doesn5t work that way.? 6e inhales and the *inal nail comes not with a bang but a sorry whisper >Jon5t you see it hyungL -ur ending is so clear. 8t5s all been dra*ted *rom the very beginning be*ore we ever met.? Though )ongin is waiting *or a rebuttal though they5re both waiting *or a rebuttal (yungsoo doesn5t have anything to say. The sobs wrack through his body heavy and aw*ul and he can5t manage the slightest protest as )ongin rambles on >Gou knowAone day 8 won5t be able to touch your *ace talk to you. 85ll justAlay there watching you cry with eyes wide open body numb and and my hand around yoursN Gou5ll hold my hand like right now but it5ll be cold and it5ll hurt more than it does now. And when that day comes hyung promise me you5ll let me go. Gou5ll go home take away the

daisiesA? >Ko.? ><ecause listen hyung. Gou don5t deserve toN? )ongin5s Adam5s apple bobs up stops and doesn5t come down. 6is voice breaks. (yungsoo suddenly reali:es that )ongin5s been crying too. 6e5s been crying all along perhaps be*ore (yungsoo woke up >see daisies witherN? >Ko ? (yungsoo grasps both o* )ongin5s hands collects all o* the crumbling bones and the threadbare tendons and gasps little prayers onto the *eeble knuckles >Ko no no.? $$ <etween the months and the seconds (yungsoo loses track o* the hour hand and *orgets how to read clocks and calendars. 4ometimes he *orgets the date. -ther times he looks out the window and wonders what season they5re in. 6is scrapbook is no longer updated and he5s not sure i* he5s twenty or twenty$*ive because it doesn5t matter either way. 6e5s always going to be caught in the same spot that5s just how things are. <ut when )ongin comes in everything settles back together. 8t5s the last months o* *all. FB%3. 6e5s twenty$*ive almost twenty$si9 three months and so deeply in love that it hurts. 8t hurts because it5s already the last months o* *all because summer was over and he can5t even remember it because he5s in the kind o* love that makes him greedy and angry and sad *or everything that he can5t have. The kind o* love that makes him cling onto )ongin at the end o* every night and beg *or him let him remember all o* today and yesterday andA >Tomorrow ? )ongin interrupts. (yungsoo thinks that he smells a little o* iodine or antiseptics double$printed hospital sheets. >Gou can remember tomorrow. 85ll remember all o* our yesterdays and you can remember all o* our tomorrows. 8t5ll be great.? (yungsoo deadpans >That makes no sense. 6ow do you even remember tomorrowL? >7ell ? )ongin rela9es into (yungsoo5s arms lets his back *ill the curve o* (yungsoo5s chest and cheek glide over (yungsoo5s >Tomorrow 8 remember that we will go to the beach andL? >And whatL? >And what do you remember we5ll doL? >)ongin what are you even saying how do you remember something that5s never happenedA? >4hush. .et5s see. 8 remember that the water is going to be abla:e with light. The sun will be setting all violet and red into the clouds. <ut it5ll be Huiet mostly just the sound o* water and wind and your voice. Gou5re going to sing ;y .ady and bury your *eet in the sand while watching me kick around in the water. 85ll dance you5ll sing. 85ll trip over you5ll pluck your *eet *rom the sand and try to catch me. Koticing how nice you look 85ll get the sudden urge to put you in a compromising position. 85ll make love to

you right there and then so that there will be sand all over the place and you5ll *reak out o* course and do the laundry *our times scrub everything downAbut that5s later o* courseA*irst we5ll have dinner sitting on the roo* o* the car la:y and slow. 7e can have hamburgers with lots o* cheese...? (yungsoo contemplates >And we5ll watch the dusk. 85ll keep singing and you5ll grab my hand drag me o** the roo*. 7e5ll dance together. .augh. Gou5ll laugh harder but 85ll laugh longer. ;osHuitoes everywhere probably. 85d like to go but you want to stay longer because you5re like that and 85ll drag you back and you5ll shrug me o** but eventually you5ll give because 85ll hit you. -r maybe 85ll give when you grab my hand and pull me in and kiss me really hard.? )ongin grabs his hand and pulls him in so close (yungsoo can *eel his e9hales on his tongue >.ike thisL? >7hat are you thinking right nowL? >6ow much 8 want to stay like this.? There are Huestions (yungsoo doesn5t ask )ongin. 6e doesn5t ask )ongin i* they can stay together *orever or how many tomorrows are really le*t because sometimes the truth is too bright. 6e can only hold onto the seconds each gesture each contact each syllable. )ongin comes in seconds. 1verything comes in seconds. 8* only the seconds could last long enough. $$ 7hen (yungsoo wakes up the ne9t day however they don5t go to the beach. 8n *act there is no @they5. There are no yellow notes on his walls no words on the last page o* his scrapbook no compromising positions or hamburgers over car roo*s. There is only (yungsoo rushing down the stairs *or the *actory eating supper be*ore an empty dining table waiting *or seven o5clock to come with eyes peeled on the neighboring balcony and a strange *eeling that something might be amiss. As he nurses a tune under the ha:y stage lights he stares at the empty seat on the other side o* the bar and contemplates what that hollow pit in his chest means why every note is coming o** on the wrong key. ;inseok tries to adjust his volume to cover *or (yungsoo5s mistakes. 6e gives up by the time they hit the break >7hat5s up with youL? >8 don5t know ? (yungsoo mutters. Kothing out o* the ordinary has occurred today. 1verything has gone according to the notes in his scrapbook. >7here5s that writer guyL (im )onginL? >7hat writer guyL? is what (yungsoo meant to ask but it somehow comes out as a gasp o* ine9plicable panic and pain almost too loud to be registered. -n instinct he reaches *or his scrapbook goes through the pages once and again and again with the same shaking whimper >8 don5t know any writer guys.? A bundle o* dry$pressed daisies slip out *rom the back cover. (yungsoo breaks. There5s

no one to catch him this time. $$ 6e wakes up in -ctober to green on his walls the color o* synthetic grass that never dies. -ctober withers the world at each sunset until it reeks o* decomposing leaves and *orgotten promises. 7ith -ctober arrives endless rain that washes out immortal *ootprints and brings new customers into the bar. 6e wakes up in Kovember to snow piled thick and high outside his window. A *amiliar urge to bury his *ace in his pillow and cry like tomorrow will never come curdles in his guts. Kovember carries days that vanish into thin air and nights that become the beginning to the end and the ending to the beginning. 8n Kovember the tomorrows stop coming. 8n Kovember he wonders how long he5s lived like this how much longer he5s going to keep living like this how many tomorrows there are le*t be*ore time will let him go. 6e wakes up in Jecember *our days to Dhristmas to a knocking at his door. Jarkness swallows his apartment as he makes his way through the corridors *ingers outstretched to read the walls as he undoes the chains and pulls it open andA >6yung ? whimpers the boy at his door. 7hat (yungsoo takes in is a con*lation o* ashen lips and swollen eyes shivering under a thin hospital gown with nothing save *or snow*lakes on his hair and plastic slippers under his *eet. The boy might have been trying to smile the traces o* which are le*t tugging sadly at the corner o* his mouth but it all thaws away when he tries working his jaw again >6yung ? and it5s a sob >hyung hyungN? An enormous ine9plicably warm tide o* relie* washes over (yungsoo e9cept it5s not enough to stop him *rom croaking hesitantly >7ho are youL? A pause. >-* course o* course you5d *orget. 6ow silly o* me...? (yungsoo watches something well up the boy5s already reddened eyes with breathless curiosity or perhaps a prick o* inde*inable empathy. 8t5s terri*ying how easily this per*ect construction o* bones breaks down in slow motion. The boy gives in a tremble at a time unwinding at the seams into an eruption o* noiseless wails. Morearms rubbing away tears and whole chest shaking with inconsolable grie* he eventually gulps everything down hard. 6e makes a little gesture o* a wave and it looks so *ragile >4orry to disturb you. 8 just thoughtAin case you rememberedAbut just never mind. 85ll justN? There is nothing but the hush o* colliding snow*lakes gleaming little spheres o* light like *ire*lies as (yungsoo wraps his hand around the boy5s wrist. 6e isn5t really thinking o* *ragility when he pulls the boy in closer to the door. 8n *act he isn5t sure what he5s thinking as he says >Ko it5s snowing. .et me get you a jacket. Gou5re going to catch a cold.? >A cold ? the boy parrots and his laugh sounds like the saddest thing this side o* the

universe >85m going to catch a cold.? $$ -n their way to the hospital the boy introduces himsel* as )ongin. 6e gives (yungsoo *our *acts in the backseat o* a ta9i. -ne he5s a writer. Two they5ve met be*ore. Three he5s dying. Mour he5s taken himsel* out o* (yungsoo5s notes or scrapbook because o* those *acts. >They said 8 had si9 months le*t. ;aybe a year i* 8 behaved ? )ongin says eyes re*lections o* the dawn *lying past the windows >4o 8 wanted to play a hero. .et mysel* be *orgotten to save you *rom all the yesterdays and leave you with all the tomorrows butN then 8 heard that 8 had pneumonia. 8t wasn5t si9 months. 8 had *our weeks. ;aybe three. And 8 cracked. <eing stuck with the yesterdays while you moved on without me suddenly wasn5t all that appealing anymore andAreally 85m sorry. 8 lied. 85m not a hero. )ust a coward.? Their knees touch. (yungsoo doesn5t move away >Jo youN like meL? >.ike you ? the boy echoes and he5s laughing again as he says >Ko 8 just want to be in all o* your tomorrows. 8 want you to remember me.? (yungsoo knows the truth and he can tell that )ongin knows it too. 7ishes are only wishes and prayers are only prayers. The city *lying past the windows might glow with Dhristmas and the warmth o* Kew Gears but it doesn5t change the *act that too much is too much. 4ome things are simply not possible. >8 mean you don5t have to remember me. 8+m not delusional. "eally you can just drop me o** at the hospital andN justN 8 just wanted to see you one more time and 8 guess 8 did soN 85m really sorry *or bothering you ? )ongin laughs and each time he laughs (yungsoo thinks that it sounds more like a cry >Gou must think 85m a *reak or something randomly popping up at your door like this.? >8 don5t think you5re a *reak ? (yungsoo interrupts and the tension *ades a little when he manages a grin >8 think you5re a moron *or running out o* the hospital in this kind o* getup when it5s snowing outside.? The car stops. 8t takes a *ew moments be*ore either o* them reali:es that they5re already at the entrance and that the time has come *or (yungsoo to leave and )ongin to stay. Mor their last second they5re all polite smiles and awkward bowing o* the heads as i* they5ve only just met *or the *irst time and that )ongin5s red eyes mean nothing. >4o ? )ongin says not Huite shivering with (yungsoo5s jacket over his shoulders but still chattering nonetheless >8 just 8 have one last reHuestL? >GeahL? >7ill you say my nameL -ne last time.? (yungsoo clears his throat and tries to replicate the syllables but somehow they5re stuck to the sides o* his throat even as he opens his mouth. Kothing comes out. <y the time he reaches up to touch his neck he reali:es he5s shaking and that there is

something wrong with him. The world is coming down on him in slow motion and his heart hurts really very bad. >)ong...? (yungsoo gulps down the hesitation and *ocuses on the bare syllables >)ongin.? >Thank you. Thank you ? And the second thank you is said so*tly almost as i* it5s meant *or more signi*icant things. 'erhaps something o* a >Thank you *or meeting me *inding me digging me up *rom the debris o* broken pieces. Thank you *or giving me li*e tears wishes rows and rows o* yellow sticky notes lighting up my room when the tapestries have shut o** the sun. Thank you *or teaching me how bright *ire*lies can shine.? <ut (yungsoo doesn5t hear any o* that. All he hears is 4eoul at dawn the whistles o* a bree:e and )ongin whee:ing *or o9ygen. >Gou5re welcome ? he returns sti**ly. 8t5s a cold today. )ongin doesn5t shiver as he crawls out the car slams the door and looks back. "olling down the window (yungsoo wonders why it *eels like his whole world is collapsing. -utside with the wind sharpening his bones and coursing through his hair )ongin smiles meekly. (yungsoo nods. A *ew shreds o* snow make it down *rom the sky and disappear. >7ell.? >-kay.? They5ve given up words because there is a mutual understanding that words are clumsy. 7ords are like little comets streaking behind them a reign o* tears and hesitation. They can5t a**ord words. Ko tears or comets or hesitation in this e9change between a stranger and a memory only glimmers o* snow. (yungsoo e9tends his hand awkwardly across the window pane. )ongin takes it laughing at something *unny that (yungsoo can5t understand and then he turns around and walks. .egs too thin back too bent head held too pitiably high despite his trembling *ingers. (yungsoo turns to the driver with a grin two shades too bright >Jrive me back please.? 6e5s trying to pretend that it5s all natural because it is. A*ter all he doesn5t know this )ongin. 6e doesn5t understand the meaning o* tomorrows or yesterdays and on top o* that he5s already late *or work. 7ith a deep inhale o* crisp winter (yungsoo tells himsel* that he doesn5t want to run at all that there are no tears threatening to *all no tears blurring his vision even thoughA They *all anyway one by one as does )ongin. (yungsoo screams so loud he doesn+t recogni:e his own voice. $$ 4tanding at the back o* the room (yungsoo gathers le*tover words *rom the doctors. 4omething somethings about o9ygen treatments not being enough antibiotics but the

liver is shutting down keep him in the 8D0 maybe but it5s not like it5ll change anything at least down the *ever in an ice bath but his lungs won5t hold up. 6e doesn5t understand any o* the big words the multi$syllable 4ymbicort or Theophlline or corticosteriods but he understands the ticking o* the second hand in between the lines the incessant beeping o* the monitors the meaningless apologies about >there5s nothing more we can do.? >8 don5t want to die ? )ongin says mu**led under the o9ygen mask. (yungsoo settles in the stool beside his bed and studies the plastic veins e9tending out o* )ongin5s ankles. 4omehow he looks so tiny so *ull o* emaciated edges. >Gou5re not going to die. They said you5ll be *ine.? >.iar ? )ongin laughs shi*ting his head away and that5s when (yungsoo reali:es that he5s not really laughing. That he5s crying. >There5s going to be a new guy in this bed in three weeks. Mour tops. 85ve got pneumonia. -n top o* the *ibrosis 8 have *ucking pneumonia.? >Gou5re going to be *ine ? (yungsoo insists even though )ongin is wrong about the three weeks because it5s really something more like two. >There5s nothing wrong with you.? >Ko ? )ongin screws his eyes shut. (yungsoo doesn5t know what else to do but stand up and drag his *ingers over )ongin5s chest. )ongin Huickly *linches away >Kow whatL? >7riting god a note. 8 have to. 6e can5t take away these lungs. Gou need them ? (yungsoo decides pulling )ongin closer to continue scribbling invisible lines into )ongin5s *lesh >Gou really need them.? The silence *alls and a*ter it *alls it never li*ts again. )ongin5s murmur is just a ghost behind the hum o* the air conditioner. >7hen 8 *irst heard 8 was going to die 8 thoughtA*inally thank youAbut now now 8 justA8 just want one more minute one more millisecondA8 want more time with you hyungN 8 haven5t loved you yet 85m not doneN? and his eyes close be*ore (yungsoo has a chance to grab his hand and tell him that they have enough time. That there5s no rush that it5ll be *ine because he5s going to go home and write all o* this downAKim #ongin, west wing, room two-twenty, 8eoul 3ospital, ta(e the ta0i to the southern entran$e, were not 1inished yetAso that he can come back tomorrow and the day a*ter that and the day a*terN $$ >;m we can try tattooing my nameN onto your *ace ? )ongin says taking a long drag o* o9ygen *rom his mouthpiece. The nurse had let him into a wheelchair earlier said he was doing much better and should get out o* his room. Try walking down the hallways she said. And so here they are two little *igures wrapped up in big bundles o* wool and cashmere bracing the stale air down endless corridors. The steady tap o* (yungsoo5s heel is com*orting almost a testament to the reality o* their e9istence: they5re still together the two o* them3 they5re making it through one more day.

>8 can5t see my own *ace though.? >7ell it can5t go on mine. 85d lookN aw*ul with my own name on myN *ace ? )ongin chuckles sputtering *or air and waving away (yungsoo5s concerned hand >8 mean the press already thinksN 85m a narcissist. )ust imagineN them *inding out about a *uckingN tattooAha.? They say nothing merely watching the other patients pass. 8t5s a welcomed kind o* peace that they5re no longer a*raid o* though eventually )ongin breaks it again >Are you going toN the bar tonightL? (yungsoo shrugs >;aybe not tonight.? >Gou saidN the same thingN yesterday ? )ongin grins eyes a little melancholy under the occasional moan o* the o9ygen tank >Tomorrow go to the bar. GouN have to sing. 8t5s whatN you do. 4ing. .ive li*e.? >85m living it with you ? (yungsoo protests >8 can sing right now.? >Ko don5t make an idiot out o*A? <ut (yungsoo sings melodies *rosting delicate and translucent despite the su**ocating atmosphere breaking the )ongin5s scowl one sco** at a time. 6esitantly )ongin5s *ingers begin tapping on the arm o* the wheelchair. 8t doesn5t take long *or him to reali:e that )ongin isn5t just nursing a beat that his *ingers are dancing some kind o* magic into the cold. And as (yungsoo kneels be*ore him coming head to head and eye in eye everything per*ectly in sync )ongin5s *ingertips skitter up his knuckles. .ight and easy. >ArabresHue ? he whispers words sur*acing as white mists over the plastic. 6is hand does a little leap. >/rand jet= ? and a twirl o* the wrist spinning nails digging laughter out o* (yungsoo5s palm >*ouett= en tourant ? to the edge o* his palm and over to the back >here a sissonne one and a two andA ? they both stop breathing momentarily when his *ingers cross (yungsoo5s wrist and up his *orearm arm shoulder collarbone neck lower lip stop. They share a smile during which (yungsoo presses his lips against )ongin5s *ingers molding easily over the cold pruning *lesh. )ongin5s *lush is almost too bright against the white backdrop o* his hospital gown. (yungsoo thinks that he could be glowing perhaps a little like a *irebug. 7ith time their song ends and the nurse calls )ongin back into his room because the un*iltered air isn5t kind to his lungs. Kothing is kind to his lungs. >Kight hyung ? )ongin breathes as they hook him to his daily dose o* morphine. 6is eyes are beginning to *lutter closed and (yungsoo knows that he5s grasping at the seconds when he says >8 love you.? >Ko )ongin. Tell me that you5ll see me tomorrow.? >6yung 8 might not makeN? >#ust. Tell. ;e. That you ? and (yungsoo5s voice *alters all too suddenly words and

thoughts collapsing at once. 6e remembers the way )ongin5s *ingers had danced so adeptly up his arm so naturally as i* they were born *or the single purpose only minutes earlier and it all *eels so surreal to this )ongin lying etheri:ed under blankets o* *luorescent lighting this )ongin who will probably never dance again. >Ntomorrow. TomorrowN? )ongin puts his hand on (yungsoo5s neck draws him a little closer smudging (yungsoo5s tears with a thumb >-kay. 4ee youN? The trickles o* *luid dripping into his plastic veins take him away be*ore the last word. $$ There are no more yesterdays and gradually no more todays either just tomorrows. They5re running out o* time. The shadows are becoming too long the lights blinking too slow the monitor5s song always on the verge o* a *ugue. /iggles always erupt *rom under )ongin5s *rown swelling slowly into raucous laughter. Too loud. Too rushed. 6e5s laughing as i* he5s a*raid he won5t get a chance to laugh again. As i* he5s a*raid all the lights will turn o** i* he doesn5t keep up his display. 4o (yungsoo wraps his arm around )ongin5s waist when no one is watching and presses their *oreheads together. 6e tells )ongin that it5s okay. That he doesn5t have to laugh so hard. That he understands whatever it is. >85m on borrowed time... 6ow much do you think the interest isL? )ongin muses one day contemplating the thought as the nurse slides a giant metal tube into his back. 6e takes a long drag o* o9ygen and holds it while blood and puss pours into a plastic container. >8 don5t know ? (yungsoo answers Huietly. >At the last moments you beginN praying *or thingsN will 8 make it *or the winterN can we make kimchi togetherN? >Jo you want kimchiL? >And then you want moreN 7ill 8 make itN to kiss you under the mistletoe. AndN will 8 make itN *or Kew Gears because 8 want 8 want to eatN rice cakes with you. 7ill youN make it *or our birthdayN 8 want to seeN the mole on your tragusN when 8 lean in toN whisper in your earN show youN true *ireN *liesN? >4top it )ongin you5ll make it to all o* them. 7e5ve already made it *or the mistletoe today ? (yungsoo insists pointing to the neon$wrapped bo9es at the other end o* the room >7e have Dhristmas. 8* we5ve gone through Dhristmas we can do Kew Gears too and our birthdays and 8 can show you my mole right now i* youA? >And it5s never enough becauseN the more 8 have o*N you the more 8N reali:e that 85m still missingN so much o* youN o* usN? >7e can celebrate it together ? (yungsoo interrupts >7e5ll celebrate everything together okayL -kayL )ust don5t cry )onginA? >Gou5re the oneN crying hyung.?

>4hut up.? >8 don5t want to die yet hyung ? )ongin chuckles drily droplets o* liHuid rolling down the creases o* his eyes. (yungsoo isn5t sure i* they5re the tears that have *allen onto him or the tears that are *alling out o* him. $$ 6e can5t talk anymore the head$nurse e9plains in hushed whispers as i* it were some terrible secret his lungs don5t supply enough o9ygen as it is and it5s best not to agitate him. <ut to (yungsoo it doesn5t really matter because he doesn5t need to hear )ongin speak. 6e doesn5t need to touch )ongin either or the see him. 6e just needs to be near him. To know that )ongin is breathing still that )ongin can hear him when he sings *or him that his lips can twitch a little with every lame joke (yungsoo throws at him. (yungsoo doesn5t really understand how he knows this guy or why his knees automatically buck when he sees the stranger5s room number. Then again he doesn5t understand a lot o* things. And by the number o* Huestions )ongin pass him scratched out sloppily over little yellow sticky notes neither does )ongin. >Cne day youll loo( to the bal$ony ne0t to yours and you wont see an asshole draining $igarettes. During those days will you be sad9& (yungsoo looks up *rom the note blinking reluctantly >85m already sad. 8 miss seeing you on that balcony ? and he doesn5t *ail to recogni:e the shock registering on )ongin5s e9pression. >3ow did you (now that it was me9& )ongin writes so Huickly that the handwriting is illegible but (yungsoo knows what he5s asking because he5s asking the same Huestion himsel*. >8t was just a *eeling ? (yungsoo grins and he5s so glad that he5s *inally caught something in memory. ;aybe they5ve got hope a*ter all. ;aybe tomorrow )ongin will get his lungs and (yungsoo his memory and the day a*ter that they can talk about what they did tomorrow. About silly notes trembling hands glassy eyes. Tonight he goes home with )ongin5s name on his lips. "epeating it like a prayer again and again and again until it5s as natural as breathing he carries it into his dream begs a million times *or god to please at least let him keep the name. 'lease at least let him have )ongin let him struggle out o* those dreams without taking )ongin away. 6e doesn5t need to know anything not o* their past or their *uture or their virtues and vices. All he wants is just a name. Any little piece o* (im )ongin. $$ 7hen (yungsoo wakes up he *inds a whole assortment o* crumpled sticky notes in his pockets littered in barely legible scribbles o* pen and pencil. They5re written by a practiced albeit shaken hand with lines spiraling and barely hanging on. 6e smoothes the *irst note over his palm care*ully smothering away the wrinkles. >Do you thin( there is a god9&

>!1 theres a god, do you thin( hed give me some e0tra time9 !t doesnt have to be a lot. #ust an e0tra wee(, or even day. .nything. ! wouldnt mind an hour. . se$ond. ! want more time. ! 'ust want more time.& >Youre $rying.& >! shouldve stopped smo(ing earlier, huh9& >8top being so brave, hyung.& The last note is green and with edges *raying corners dog$eared and yellowing clearly older than the other two. The handwriting is more determined pressed down with so much *orce that the words are physically imprinted into the paper. 6owever it5s still distinct enough *or him to recogni:e: >"y name is #ongin. !m the writer who lives ne0t door. 8ee you tomorrow, hyung. Dont 1orgetF& $$ 4ometimes when (yungsoo looks at )ongin in the hospital bed he5s not sure i* he5s looking at a re*lection or the original. 8t5s almost as i* time has worn away him *rom the outside turned him transparent le*t just enough o* him to be a shadow. (yungsoo wants to talk to him but the nurse says that it5s unlikely that )ongin can manage so he can only look down at the >)ongin? scribbled loosely on the back o* his hand and match it to the >(im )ongin? nameplate hanging at the end o* the bed. The seconds re*ract into kaleidoscope souls over the bedsheets and (yungsoo counts them one by one as )ongin drags his body around. Meeble whistling moans in*late the hush between them as he li*ts an arm which (yungsoo immediately clasps with both hands. )ongin5s *irst murmurs are nearly indistinguishable *rom the gush o* air rushing out o* his plastic mask and he repeats himsel* with painstaking determination until (yungsoo makes out >7ill you be here tomorrowL? >7hyL? ><e here tomorrow the thirteenth ? the boy says negotiating *or each syllable with deep inhales o* air >-ur birthdayN tomorrN averageN twel*thN *ourteenthNthirteenN? (yungsoo balks. )ongin winks. 1verything ends too easily but they hold it together with a thin string o* hope. (yungsoo doesn5t go home tonight. 6e begs *or the nurses to let him stay overnight and by some miracle they relent though they tell him to keep Huiet because )ongin needs his rest. <ecause )ongin is really hanging onto li*e by nothing by that thin string o* hope. 6e tries to stay up all night to be able to look )ongin in the eye tomorrow morning and be the *irst to tell him >6appy birthday to (im )ongin and Jo (yungsoo ? without looking at any notes. Tomorrow he needs to save )ongin. 6e has to save him. "emember him. $$

4unlight dri*ts into (yungsoo5s dream re*racts into something cool and salty and maybe involving heels digging into the so*t overlap between ocean and beach. 6e turns and the wet sand trans*orms into cold linens. 7hen he opens his eyes the cocktail o* seagull wings and shades o* blue is replaced by a *rail green line jumping through a black screen a small window at the end o* a narrow hospital room and plastic *loor tiles. 'lastic everything. 8t5s not his room and he has no idea how he could have woken up by a stranger5s bedside. There are words written on the back o* his hand a loose *ading >remember #onginG our birthday tomorrow /@Eth #anuary ,*@;2.? (yungsoo drags himsel* upright back cracking and neck sore *rom slumping over the bed all night and that is when he notices that the stranger on the bed has been watching him a twinkle o* a smile lingering over his indistinct *eatures. >6elloL? (yungsoo blinks. The stranger doesn5t respond though maybe the corner o* his eye *linches. ;aybe his thumb twitches. (yungsoo looks at the nameplate on the end o* the bed. (im )ongin. There is an unsettlingly even stream o* air gushing in and out o* a bi:arre metal apparatus by the bedside. (yungsoo traces his ga:e over the plastic e9tending out o* it and into (im )ongin5s nose. 6e5s about to ask a Huestion probably about the strange message on his hand when something strikes him and he blurts a >6appy birthday to us.? The stranger named (im )ongin seems to take an e9tra sharp gasp o* air. 6is hand twitches in (yungsoo5s grasp and gradually he *alls back asleep. (yungsoo almost begins thinking that it5s natural that the stranger is probably just tired but the constant beeping *rom the monitor with green lines stops and some kind o* alarm goes o** loud and noisy and a slew o* doctors and nurses rushes inside and shoulder him away too *ar away as they try to wake the stranger back up. And he reali:es that this is wrong. All o* this is wrong. 7rong >(im )ongin time o* death nine twenty$seven )anuary thirteenth year two$thousand and *ourteen. ;onday.? 4rong. 8t5s not until (yungsoo has made it out o* the hospital that the tears slam him in the *ace knocks him o** guard and shatters his whole body into a thousand irreversible pieces. 6e has no idea why the world seems to have ended on such a beauti*ul )anuary day or why he5s sobbing in the middle o* the street as i* tomorrow will never come. 7hy the name on the back o* his hand burns harder than any goodbye. $$ 8t5s early Mriday morning second week o* )uly an hour when the world runs on uncertain lamplights drunken howls and the occasional punch o* laughter. There are just the two o* them in the elevator at this hour. 6aving just returned *rom the bar (yungsoo tries to *ight o** the cocktail o* metallic smoke and the thick scent o* alcohol caught in his hair. The last ringlets o* sa9ophone nestle over his *ingers and cinHuillo beat lingers under his skin but none o* it is really

enough to distract him. <ut today he *eels aw*ully empty like someone has taken him apart while he was sleeping stolen something *rom his core and put the rest o* him back together again. The stranger with an unlit cigarette between his teeth turns *irst. The un*lattering elevator lighting makes him look tired and thin and generally aw*ul. (yungsoo wonders with the cinHuillo pounding into his veins i* the man5s skin is as plastic as it seems. >Are you Jo (yungsooL? The stranger asks turning around just in time *or the elevator to slide open. >Ges ? (yungsoo responds hesitantly stepping out with the other a*ter him >6ave we met be*oreL? >Ko not really ? the stranger smiles e9tending a hand >85m -h 4ehun. 8 was (im )ongin5s editorL? 4omething in (yungsoo stirs but not enough. >Kice to meet you.? >85m kind o* busy so 85m just going to cut this short ? 4ehun says dislodging something bulky *rom his brie*case and handing it to (yungsoo. 8t5s a notebook (yungsoo reali:es an old one weathered and dog$eared *rom use smeared all over with runny ink and graphite >This is )ongin5s last novel. 6and$written and everything. Mor you.? 1ventually 4ehun disappears down the corridors and (yungsoo *inds himsel* sitting on the balcony moonlight gra:ing the notebook in his lap. 6e *lips to the last page on a whim just to check i* it5s a sad ending because he doesn5t like sad endings. >"y name is #ongin. !m the writer who lives ne0t door. 8ee you tomorrow, hyung. Dont 1orgetF& ,1KJ2 BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB Ante$ro$gu$rey$du by kei%R http://kei%R.livejournal.com/4R38.html Title: SAnte$ro$gu$rey$duS Pairing: (yungsoo/)ongin Rating: / Word count: %TBBU S4ehun and 8 just blew up the kitchen trying to cook noodles.S SThat+s good.S (yungsoo said absently. SThat+s good.S 8t was not. This was getting out o* hand. 0sually hearing 4ehun he and kitchen in one sentence sends (yungsoo$hyung in apoplectic *its. )ongin *rowned at the older boy who didn+t even bother looking at his direction. 4ince three days ago his hyung hasn+t been his normal sel*. 6e was always carrying that dictionary and was always hunched over his laptop oblivious to what+s going on

around him much like what he+s doing right now. 6e doesn+t cook them snacks anymore no matter what aegyo he or any o* the members use. Juring practice he was always distracted and always stares o** in space. They don+t even have their nightly chats be*ore they go to sleep anymore. 6e misses his hyung damnit. This can+t go on. S6yung.S 6e called out again *rom the doorway o* their room. S(yungsoo$hyung.S S6uhL 7hatLS (yungsoo answered eyes still glued to his laptop screen. )ongin watched as the shorter boy+s head shi*ted. Hinally. <ut then (yungsoo just reached *or the dictionary and *uriously scanned through the pages stopping once in a while to look back at the screen. A *ew more back and *orth then he pauses and... 4ni**lesL SAre you cryingLS )ongin asked. 6is hyung brie*ly looked at him with reddened eyes. SK$no.S 6e can hear the slight tremor in the elder+s voice. S7hat is itLS S8t+s nothing )ongin$ah. 8+ll just$S Then he lost (yungsoo as the boy *orgot the world when he returned his ga:e at whatever it was on his laptop. )ongin sighed and decided to give up *or the night. 6e threw himsel* down on his bed. 6e needs his strength so he can try again tomorrow. 6e *ell asleep to the tune o* turning pages and (yungsoo+s so*t muttering.

)ongin entered the kitchen the ne9t morning and was subseHuently hit by <aekhyun5s pleading look which practically screamed 3elp meF at the top o* his mental lungs. The older boy was sitting on a chair by the dining table his head sHuished between a standing (yungsoo+s arm and chest while the said head was being patted by the said owner o* the arm and chest+s *ree hand. Adding to the con*usion o* the previous statement (yungsoo kept on saying Bae(hyun, my best 1riend and Bae(hyunnie against the poor boy+s hair. 6earing another mental call *or help )ongin strode towards the two. S(yungsoo$hyung what are you doingLS S/ood morning! 8+m just spending time with my best *riend <aekhyun here.S 'at. 'at. 'at. )ongin turned his ga:e to the sHuashed <aekhyun. S)ongin! 8t+s great that you+re here! Jidn+t you tell me you were going to help me practice the steps *or the new routineLS Kot waiting *or a reply <aekhyun continued. S4o sorry (yungsoo we have to go. 0mph!S As he *orced his way out o* (yungsoo+s tight sHuish. S-h... -kay. <ut you two haven+t eaten break*ast yet.S )ongin mentally raised an eyebrow #everything has to be done mentally&. !s his hyung ba$(9 !s he 1inally $on$erned again about the la$( o1 sustenan$e o1 their young, se0y, developing, se0y bodies9 <e*ore he can say anything though <aekhyun already latched on to his arm and was pulling him towards the doorway. S8t+s okay! 7e+ll just pick something on the way to the company.S SGou sureLS (yungsoo said a little sadly a little disappointedly and )ongin had hal* a mind to disentangle himsel* *rom <aekhyun and hug his hyung. ;aybe do some patting himsel*. 6e really did look adorable. SGeah. 7e are. 4ure. 4ure.S <aekhyun said his body already out the door dragging )ongin along.

S-kay. )ust stay out o* the way o* those trucks! 1specially those that carry *ruit!S (yungsoo warned. <oth <aekhyun$hyung and he probably had the same blank e9pression on their *aces as they watched (yungsoo sit down to open the previously unnoticed laptop english$korean dictionary within arm+s reach. And just like that they lost him again.

8t+s the si9th night )ongin *ound (yungsoo in their room with the lights o** only the glow o* his hyung+s laptop letting him see the older boy sitting on his usual spot on his bed. 6is head was buried in his handy dandy dictionary and really what else was newL 7ith a *rustrated shake o* his head )ongin turned on the lights. S6yung really this has got to stop. Gou barely talk to us anymore. Gou have eyebags the si:e o* ;ongolia *rom lack o* sleep. Gou don+t even spare us a glance while we buing buing you to death *or your kimchi spaghetti. 6yung what is happeningLS S($kim )ongin.S (yungsoo replied with a sob his head still bowed. 8t was just by then that )ongin noticed that the older boy+s shoulders were shaking. 6e Huickly went to (yungsoo and sat beside him on the bed his arms going around the boy+s small *rame. S7hat is it hyungLS 6e asked so*tly. (yungsoo buried his head against )ongin+s chest the younger boy+s shirt getting damp with tears. S8t+ so sad.S 6e cried. S7hat isLS )ongin brushed his hand against (yungsoo+s short hair. SThat.S A *inger pointed to the abandoned laptop on the bed. )ongin+s eyes went to the screen and what he *ound was... /ibberish. /ibberish. /ibberish. ;ore gibberish. 6e couldn+t understand anything. S0h.S 6e didn+t know what to say so he just traced com*orting circles against his band mate5s back. S4o sad. That *an*ic+s so so sad.S (yungsoo cried some more. SGou were a writer and a closet dancer and 8 am a toy *actory worker who sings at a bar at night and <aekhyun was my best *riend who dies in the accident which gave me my amnesia so 8 can+t remember anything past a day and you wanted to write about me and 8 let you and you come back every day and 8 have to read a scrapbook and take pictures so 8 can remember and you were sick and you*ellinlovewithmeandi*ellinlovewithyouandweskissedanddidmanyotherthings8reallycan+ttelllyou but you were sick did 8 say that you were sick L 4o you went away and 8 *orgot about you but you couldn+t help it so we meet again and you have pneumonia and then... and then you died.S 6e ended with a loud sob. 4eriously it was a long ass e9planation and )ongin could barely keep up with the words and the hiccups and the tears but his ears perked up when he heard about the 1ell in love part. SDan you repeat that againLS SGou were a writer and a closet$S SKo no. A*ter the ! am si$( part.S (yungsoo looked up at him *rom his position in )ongin+s chest and *rowned in thought. SGou died.S SKo a*ter the 1irst ! am si$( part.S 6e saw his hyung+s eyes widen and his cheeks turned a delicate shade o* pink be*ore the older boy hid his *ace against )ongin+s collarbone. SGou*ellinlovewithmeand8*ellinlovewithyouandwekissedanddideverythingelsenodon+taskmewhat and then you...died.S 6is voice mu**led by )ongin+s shirt.

S7e *ell in loveLS 6e asked. 6e couldn+t control the smile tugging at his lips. 6e *elt (yungsoo sti**en against him *or a second be*ore he answered. SGes but... you died.S SAnd we kissedLS 6e said against (yungsoo+s temple. 6e *elt his hyung nod be*ore saying S<ut you... died.S S7hat else did we doLS 6e pulled the shorter boy closer against him until he was draped over )ongin+s lap. 6e was so not taking advantage o* (yungsoo+s distress. Ko he wasn+t. 6e was just com*orting a *riend. Ges com*orting. SJid we snuggle like thisLS S;aybe.S (yungsoo said against his neck. S<ut you died.S S8 love this story you+re talking about.S )ongin leaned against the headboard and adjusted their positions so his hyung can lean more com*ortably against him. S4o did we uh$S <ut (yungsoo+s hand went to cover his lips e**ectively cutting o** whatever he was going to say. 6e saw the elder+s blush deepened when he raised his head to talk to )ongin. SGes. 7e. Jid. 1verything. -kayLS (yungsoo rolled his eyes at him but he had to smile again when his hyung returned to his place against his neck. S<ut you died.S S8t+s just *iction hyung. 8t+s not true. 8+m not gonna die. 7ell 8 hope not anytime soon.S 6e rubbed his hand against (yungsoo+s arms and back. S7as that why you were cryingL <ecause 8 diedLS 6e *elt the older boy draw a deep breath. SThat and the *act that in the end 8 *orgot about you about us.S 6e *elt (yungsoo+s hand against his neck his thumb idly tracing )ongin+s jaw. S8* 8 *ell in love with you even with amnesia 8+m sure 8 would never *orget.S 8t was )ongin+s turn to *eel *lushed. 6e had to clear his throat to ease the sudden lump there be*ore he could speak. SThat story was really great.S S<ut you$S SGes. 8 died. <ut we *ell in love.S 6e brushed his lips over (yungsoo+s *orehead. )ongin let out the breath he didn+t know he was holding when (yungsoo snuggled closer even a*ter the brie* kiss. S7hat was the title o* the story againL ;aybe 8 can read it ne9t time.S SGou+re 1nglish is too poor *or you to understand. <ut it+s called Anterograde Tomorrow.S SAn$te$ro$gu$rey$duLS SAntero$greyd.S SAntero$guraydu.S S.et+s just sleep )ongin$ah 8+m tired.S SAntero$gu$rey$duLS ,1KJ2