FADE IN: INT.

APARTMENT LIVING ROOM - DAY DALE HONDO (30), pudgy with a three-day old beard, wears Spider-man underwear as he snores on a couch. He yawns himself awake and shuffles to the: KITCHEN Dale reaches for an empty coffee container and tosses it. He notices from the clock on the coffee maker that its midafternoon. Shit! LIVING ROOM Dale grabs a pair of khaki shorts off the TV and sniffs a dingy polo. He scrambles looking for something else. DALE Not now, not now... He lifts the sofa cushions, sticks his head under the coffee table, etc... before calling out for his roommate. Rufio! RUFIOS ROOM Dale opens his roommates door and sees a snake slithering on the floor. He shudders and pulls it closed. Rufio! BATHROM Dale enters a steamy bathroom and pulls the shower curtains open to see his roommate, RUFIO (25), skinny with long hair, wearing snorkeling goggles as he clears a bong. He blows smoke out as he speaks. DALE DALE (CONTD) DALE

2. RUFIO Dude! Youre letting all my smoke out. DALE Where the hell are the car keys? RUFIO Chill, man. Theyre in my pants. Rufio pulls the curtains closed as Dale rummages through his jeans on the floor. A BUBBLING sound is heard as smoke plumes from the shower. EXT. PLAZA PARKING LOT - LATER Dale caterwauls his dilapidated Grand Marquis to a stop and looks at a job listing hes circled in a newspaper. He lowers the paper to see a large building through the windshield. He turns the engine off. INT. RECEPTION ROOM / REGENT ENERGY - CONTINUOUS An attractive SECRETARY nibbles her pen while clicking away at a computer. She looks up hearing Dale clear his throat. SECRETARY Can I help you? DALE Im here for the interview? Oh... SECRETARY

She swivels round to glance at a large clock hanging behind her. Dale snags a lollipop from a bowl on the counter. SECRETARY (CONTD) The applicants were interviewed about an hour ago. He unwraps the sucker and puts it in his mouth. DALE Guess they saved the best for last. Her face...

3. INT. GARAGE - DAY Dales younger brother, BOBBY (27), overweight with unkempt features, lies on a foldout couch watching TV. He laughs as he shoves chips in his mouth. The garage door WHIRS open. Bobby turns up the volume with a remote as daylight seeps into the room. Bobbys burly friend, the HOMEOWNER (32), walks in. Bobby shades his eyes from the afternoon sun. BOBBY Yo, Buffy, whats with all the light? The Homeowner unplugs the TV. BOBBY (CONTD) Ahh, they were just about to dunk her! HOMEOWNER Bobby, do you know how long a week is? Bobby rolls his eyes and eats some chips. HOMEOWNER (CONTD) Do you know its less than a month? BOBBY Cmon, man, what are you saying? HOMEOWNER You got a job yet? Yeah. BOBBY

The Homeowner stares incredulously. HOMEOWNER Then why dont you go buy me some beer. He snatches the bag of chips from Bobby and walks out, clicking the garage door closed. Bobby waits until hes gone. BOBBY I was jerking my dick before I ate those chips! The garage door SCREECHES to a halt.

4. Bobby squeals and leaps up. INT. MRS. HELLWORTHS OFFICE / REGENT ENERGY - DAY Dale sits in a small office waiting to be interviewed. He twiddles his fingers for a bit before pulling another lollipop from his pocket. The sound of TICKING passes time until Dale becomes restless. Quick Images: * Dale is seen looking down his pants. DALE Time to trim the chia-pet... * Dale sits behind Mrs. Hellworths desk and sets her Newtons Cradle in motion. He peeks into her desk drawers. Boring... DALE (CONTD)

His mouth drops opening the bottom drawer, finding a small vibrator. * He sits in his original chair holding a picture of Mrs. Hellworths daughter in a bikini. DALE (CONTD) Holy shit... INT. MRS. HELLWORTHS OFFICE - LATER Dale is using his phone to take a picture of the daughter when Mrs. Hellworth opens the door. The sound of a photo CLICKS as he turns and holds the phone to his ear. DALE Yeah that sounds great, Ill fax those over first thing in the morning. He pockets the phone and sits on the photo. Mrs. Hellworth walks past him and sets her lunch down, seeming irritated. MRS. HELLWORTH Please, have a seat. DALE Good afternoon?

5. She sits and studies his resum. MRS. HELLWORTH Tell me Mr.... Hondo? Thats me. DALE

MRS. HELLWORTH Well then, Mr. Hondo, what made you feel the need to waste my time today? Excuse me? DALE

She eyes his credentials. MRS. HELLWORTH It says here your last job was at Kroger, and you were a... (stumbles) Product transportation reallocation technician...? She looks at him and lowers her glasses. DALE I put the shopping carts back where they go. Mrs. Hellworth cant help but giggle. MRS. HELLWORTH You were also fired... DALE No I think I quit that one, or was that KFC? She takes a deep breath. MRS. HELLWORTH Look, do you want me to go through the circles or can I just say youre not getting a job... His enthusiasm fades. DALE You havent even asked me anything.

6. MRS. HELLWORTH I already know everything I need to about you. Like what? DALE

MRS. HELLWORTH Well for starters, you showed up in cargo shorts and flip flopsDALE Very comfortableMRS. HELLWORTH You asked my secretary for her phone numberDALE I like womenMRS. HELLWORTH And your pockets are bulging with what I assume to be the suckers from the empty bowl in the lobby... DALE That last one is entrapmentMRS. HELLWORTH Mr. Hondo... DALE The sign said help yourself. She rubs a hand on her forehead. MRS. HELLWORTH Mr. Hondo, would you please just take the candy and leave my office. Dale stands in shock. DALE Why are you such a bitter old woman? MRS. HELLWORTH Because the state requires I interview deadbeats like you. Dale reels in offense.

7. DALE I bet if you sat on your dildo instead of a stick all day you might not be such a bitch. MRS. HELLWORTH At least I dont always masturbate alone. He nods at her quip. Pulls the photo out from behind him. DALE Well thanks for the jerk-off material. My, God! MRS. HELLWORTH

Dale pretends to masturbate with his eyes closed. DALE Oh yeah, Oh my God... I think Im gonna cum-Mrs. Hellworth picks up her desk-phone and dials. Security, MRS. HELLWORTH

Dale pulls a handful of suckers from his pocket and jerks them out of his hand like hes ejaculating. He moans with his eyes closed for a moment. Composes himself. DALE Tell princess I said thanks for the quickie. She gasps as Dale walks out of the office. DALE (O.S.) (CONTD) Later, bitch! EXT. SHOPPING MART - DAY Bobby stands outside a grocery store next to a mechanical pony being ridden by a young boy with buzzed hair, TITO (12). BOBBY Alright, you know what youre supposed to do?

8. TITO Yeah, I think I got it. A woman with a stroller passes by and gazes suspiciously at him. He pets Titos hair and speaks for the woman to hear. BOBBY Good job, SON. Look at you go. See how my boy rides this horse? Like a polo player, hes like a foxhunter, hes like... The woman walks out of sight. BOBBY (CONTD) ... Like a god-damned homosexual. Get off that gay-ass toy. The boy climbs down and looks up at Bobby. BOBBY (CONTD) Alright, I need you to make me proud. But if you fuck this up I will super glue your ass to that faggy little pony. TITO Alright, alright. Bobby slaps him on the shoulder. BOBBY That a boy. Lets do this. Quick Images: * Bobby walks down an aisle piling beer in his cart. * He walks down a dirty magazine aisle and grabs a few. * Bobby grabs two different sizes of condoms, repackaging the small ones in a Magnum box and throwing them in the cart. INT. SHOPPING MART - LATER Bobby walks toward the check-out lane and eyes the security guard near the exit. He sees Tito standing outside the bathroom and winks at him. Tito walks inside the bathroom. He come flying out seconds later, screaming.

9. TITO RAPE! RAPE! RAAAAPE!!! Bobby feigns concern to the customers in line. BOBBY Oh my god, that poor boy. Somebody should do something. He moves his cart and makes his way toward the exit. BOBBY (CONTD) Dont worry little boy! EXT. SHOPPING MART - CONTINUOUS The security guard chases Tito as he runs out of the store. Bobby rolls his cart through the open doors. He watches the guard chase Tito. BOBBY Stupid mother fucker... Suddenly, a SIREN wales behind Bobby. He turns to see a SECURITY GUARD rolling toward him on a Segway. Shit! BOBBY (CONTD)

Bobby pushes the cart through a row of parked cars that are too small for the Segway to fit through. His cart scratches their paint and breaks off a side-mirror. Two rows of cars separate Bobby and the guard as they stare each other down. Bobby rips a beer from a six-pack and heaves it like a grenade. His shot misses and breaks a windshield. Bobby notices a cashier is sprinting toward him. He pushes his cart like a bobsled and rolls toward the street. The Segway races along the other side until finding an open space to cut across. Bobbys cart and the Segway fly toward each other in a game of chicken. Bobby hurls another beer at the guard. He loses control trying to dodge it, crashing his Segway into a parked car. Bobby shakes a beer as he rolls by and drops a foamy explosion by the guards face. Fuck you! BOBBY (CONTD)

10. Hes nearly gotten away when he turns to flip off the employee chasing him. BOBBY (CONTD) Have fun bagging groceries, bitch! Just as Bobby says his taunt, hes impaled by a car pulling in from the street. INT. POLICE STATION - DAY Bobby sits handcuffed to a desk in an orange jumpsuit. He raises his head and speaks to the officer across from him. BOBBY Look, I told you he was just a distraction. OFFICER So the condoms and dirty magazines were for...? BOBBY Fixing a fucking boat engine... What do you think they were for? The officer holds a clipboard of questions. OFFICER Were just trying to figure out what you had planned for Tito after all of this. BOBBY A fucking twizzler and a finger! Bobby gives him the bird. The officer repeats his answers as he writes them down. OFFICER Fucking... twizzler... and... (as he writes) fin-ger-ing. BOBBY What? Tito didnt do shit. Its his fault Im in here anyway. OFFICER Hows that?

11. BOBBY Maybe Robocop wouldve followed him too if Tito didnt scream like a little bitch. The officer writes. Repeats. OFFICER Little boy screams like bitch... Bobby lays his head on the table. INT. DALES CAR - DAY Dale drives while trying to dial a number on his phone. He swerves to avoid hitting a car and puts the cell to his ear. VOICE ON PHONE (O.S.) Mandalay Massage and Spa, how may I help you? DALE Hello, uhm this is Dale, Im calling about the position you had in the paper. VOICE ON PHONE (O.S.) Yes sir its still available. DALE No, no. I already applied... Like a week ago. VOICE ON PHONE (O.S.) What was your name again? Dale. Dale? Hondo. DALE VOICE ON PHONE (O.S.) DALE

He hears the woman whispering on the phone. VOICE ON PHONE (O.S.) Oh yes, Mr. Hondo. Could you hold for one second?

12. DALE (elated) Of course. He hears a CLICK and the line goes dead. He throws the phone in the passenger seat. DALE (CONTD) Son of a bitch! Dale hits the steering wheel. Looks at his newspaper. DALE (CONTD) (sniffing armpit) What do I smell like Chewbaccas asshole or something? The phone VIBRATES between the passenger seat and the door. Dale reaches to find it while maintaining the car. He finally retrieves the phone and looks up to see a homeless man at the intersection. Dale slams on his brakes and stops just short of the vagrant. He breathes heavily and answers the phone. DALE (CONTD) This is Dale. CUT TO: INT. JAIL - CONTINUOUS Bobby stands at a jail phone while other inmates walk around. BOBBY Heyyy, buddy! Whats my favorite big bro up to? INTERCUT DALE AND BOBBY Bobby? DALE

BOBBY Yeah, whatsup man? What are you doing? DALE Im trying to find a job. The homeless man shakes a cup of change outside Dales window. Dale speaks to him through the glass.

13. DALE (CONTD) (to hobo) No, go away... Get out of here(to Bobby) Why are you calling me? BOBBY Oh you know just living the dream. A large inmate walks by and slaps Bobbys ass. BOBBY (CONTD) Look, I might need a little help. DALE Of course you do. The homeless man points at some bird shit on Dales windshield. Dale waves him away. DALE (CONTD) Look you cant just call me whenever you need something and expect me to be there for you. BOBBY Yeah but this is serious. DALE What do you mean? The hobo pours water on the bird shit and tries to clean it. DALE (CONTD) (to hobo) I said fuck off! Dale activates his windshield-wiper fluid and sprays the homeless man in the face. BOBBY Fuck off? Look man, Im in jail right now. DALE No I was talking to aThe hobo flips Dale off. DALE (CONTD) Wait youre in jail? For What?

14. BOBBY Mostly for stealing some beer and a couple pornos, but... they kinda think I was trying to rape a twelve year-old... What!? DALE

BOBBY Its bullshit, dont worry about it. I just need you to bail me out so I can get this all fixed. A prison guard takes the phone from Bobbys hand. Times up. PRISON GUARD

DALE Bobby? Hello? INT. JAIL - CONTINUOUS Bobby is escorted by the guard past cells full of dangerous men eyeing Bobby. BOBBY (to guard) All These dude cells look pretty full. You can just throw me in with the females if you want... I dont mind. INT. RUFIOS APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS Dale walks in to find the place more ransacked than he left it: couch cushions strewn about the floor, drawers left opened, a slew of refrigerated items laying on the counter. DALE What the hell? He walks to the kitchen and sets his things down. Grabs a jug of milk and smells it a few times. He goes to open the refrigerator and is startled to find Rufio huddled inside wearing only underwear. Dale screams, throws the milk gallon at him and slams the door.

15. RUFIO (O.S.) (muffled from inside) What the fuck, dude! Rufio? DALE

Rufio opens the refrigerator and climbs out wiping milk from his face. RUFIO Duh, man. Who did you think I was? Dale looks around the room. DALE What the hell happened here? RUFIO I couldnt find my bud. DALE So you robbed yourself and hid in the fridge? RUFIO No... I found my secret stash and cold-boxed the cold box cuz its so friggin hot in here. DALE Why didnt you just turn on the AC? I tried. RUFIO

Rufio points to a thermostat hanging from the wall by a wire. A knock comes from the door. Dale answers it to find THREE YOUNG GIRLS in matching outfits. He looks puzzled. YOUNG GIRL Hello, were selling cookies to raise money for our church. Would you like to buy some? DALE Actually, yeah... but Im broke and dont support churches. Why not? YOUNG GIRL

16. DALE Because Gods not real. YOUNG GIRL He is too, my mom talks to him. DALE Oh yeah? And what does God say? YOUNG GIRL He says everything happens for a reason. DALE So God wont give me a job for a reason? The girl nods her head. DALE (CONTD) And Taco Bell? God wants everyone to have chalupa-cheese-diarrhea for a reason? The girl looks oddly at her friends. DALE (CONTD) And Rufio? Youre saying God made Rufio for a reason? Dale opens the door for the girls to see his roommate, who is standing in his underwear and wringing milk out of his hair. Rufio waves. Hi, girls. RUFIO

The three girls scream and run away. Dale closes the door. DALE I told you women were frightened by the sight of you. Dales phone rings and Rufio answers it. RUFIO Dales Anal Emporium, how may I help you? Dale wrestles it out of his hands. Rufio yells at the phone as its ripped away.

17. RUFIO (CONTD) Did I mention all orders get free overnight-shitting! Dale covers the phone and shoos Rufio away. Dale here. DALE

A Russian voice speaks. VOICE ON PHONE (O.S.) Hello, Mr. Hondo. We see you are seeking employment and would like to offer you position. DALE Doing what? VOICE ON PHONE (O.S.) Specifics are confidential, but job is very well paid and youd start today. DALE Wow! This is crazy! Umm, what should I do now? A bubbling sound keeps Dale from hearing. He sees Rufio hitting a bong and throws a string cheese at him. Rufio picks it up to throw back. He reconsiders, decides to eat it. DALE (CONTD) Im sorry, what was that? VOICE ON PHONE (O.S.) Are you currently at your residence of two-forty Englewood? DALE Umm? Yes, how did you know that? VOICE ON PHONE (O.S.) Well... Your resume of course. Well send car to pick you up shortly. The line goes dead and Dale looks at his phone in disbelief.

18. INT. JAIL - DAY A group of prisoners sit in a circle relaying stories of how Jesus has helped them move past their sins. Bobby sits cross-armed, rolling his eyes and making yap yap motions with his hands. The inmate leading the discussion notices and calls on him. LEADER What about you, Bobby? What are you in here for? BOBBY (looks around) Who me? (beat) Uhh, I was lifting a... liquor store, and... this black manBobby sees the room is comprised of mostly black inmates. BOBBY (CONTD) I mean this really big white dude, he tried to stop me and I had to-Bobby makes laser noises and mimics shooting guns. LEADER So howd you get caught? BOBBY Well... There was this big-tittied girl in the store and she thought I was so manly she begged me to do her right thereThe inmates look suspiciously at each other. BOBBY (CONTD) And since I can have sex for several hours before ejaculating, the cops had time to show up. A muscular inmate with tattoos on his face speaks up. TATTOOED INMATE How many cops? Two. BOBBY

TATTOOED INMATE Why didnt you just shoot em?

19. BOBBY There was five. Five cops. TATTOOED INMATE Shit Id a gotten away from five cops... easy. Bobby coughs into his hand. BOBBY Yeah I could have to. But, once youve killed two...wentyyyy seven and a half menTATTOED INMATE How you kill half a man? BOBBY You cut him in half. TATTOOED INMATE (impressed) Damnnnn. The leader tries to bring the conversation back to Jesus. LEADER I think were losing the point here. Tell us Bobby, how has Jesus helped you forgive yourself for your sins? BOBBY Let me think? Umm, none, because Jesus isnt real. LEADER What makes you say that? BOBBY What makes you say you have a little dick? The leader looks around shaking his head in objection. BOBBY (CONTD) Ill tell you why. When you see Julio over there drop the soapHe points to an overtly homosexual inmate.

20. BOBBY (CONTD) Your little wang goes all crazy and you look down and say, Oh shit, I got a little dick. LEADER Seriously, I dont have a small penis. BOBBY My point exactly! Men who believe in Jesus are just liars ashamed of their little dicks. LEADER OK, this is getting a littleBobby stands with vigor. BOBBY You all want something to believe in(drops pants) There! Thats a real dick. The inmates share mixed reactions: some repulsed, some awed. BOBBY (CONTD) And if Jesus is real, may I never have a boner again and leave this hell hole right now! The security door BUZZES open and a guard staring at his clipboard enters the room. GUARD Robert Hondo? The guard looks up and sees Bobby with his pants down. Bobby raises his hand. Present. BOBBY

GUARD What the fuck? (shakes head) You made bail. BOBBY (to self) Well fuck my ass... The homosexual inmates eyes light up. Bobby grabs his pants.

21. BOBBY (CONTD) Cool it, Julio. INT. CHAUFFEURED CAR - DAY Dale sits in the back of a Lincoln being driven to an unknown destination. He makes small talk with his DRIVER. DALE How long you been a driver? The man makes eye contact through the rear-view mirror but says nothing. Dale nods. DALE (CONTD) Cool, cool. I like that you dont wear the hat. I hate hats, think theyre for bald people and douchebags. You know what I mean? MATCH CUT: INT. ANOTHER CHAUFFEURED CAR - CONTINUOUS Bobby sits in the back of an identical Lincoln. He talks to his Driver (ubiquitously similar to the other). BOBBY How come you dont wear the hat? Hats make everybody cooler. Think about it: Indiana Jones, Johnny Cash... Oh! Oh! Oh! Remember when Michael Jackson did the moonwalk? Bobby imitates Jacksons moves with one hand on his breast and the other on his head. He sings the lyrics. BOBBY (CONTD) (high pitched) Annie are you okay! Annie are you okay! Are you okay Annie! INTERCUT DALE AND BOBBY DALE (listing shitty hats) Ne-Yo, Lady Gaga, Samuel L Jackson...

22. BOBBY (still singing/dancing) Smooth criminal! Da da da duh duh, da da duh duh, da da duh duh, OW! DALE Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, that bald guy from Breaking Bad. Seriously, that hat has to be, hands down... theBOBBY Coolest fucking hat ever! (beat) Seriously, you should wear the hat. Bobby starts rummaging through the backseat looking for the hat. BOBBY (CONTD) Where is it? He pulls down the center console and finds a stashed gun. BOBBY (CONTD) Whoa! This is not a hat. He plays with it. DRIVER (Russian accent) Put that back! Bobby quickly stows the gun. Sorry. BOBBY

The car veers off the highway toward an airport. DALE Wait a second, where are we going? BOBBY Is that a plane? Are those... holy shit...? Dude, IDALE Dont do planes... Silence! DRIVER

23. EXT. AIRPORT - LATER Dales driver pulls the car alongside another parked Lincoln. Dale tries to open the door but its locked. DALE What are we doing here? I thought this was an interview? The driver says nothing. He exits the car and opens Dales door. The driver of the other Lincoln does the same. A GUN SHOT flies past the drivers face. He swiftly takes the gun from Bobby and rips him from the car, pinning him against it. BOBBY Im sorry! Im sorry! Im sorry! Dale hears his brother. Bobby? DALE

Bobby has his face smashed against the window. Dale? BOBBY

The driver holding Bobby releases him and slaps him across the face. BOBBY (CONTD) What the fuSilence! DRIVER

OK.

BOBBY (submissive)

Both Dale and Bobby are led toward a small jet with a stairway leading to an open hatch. A stocky man in a Soviet uniform walks down the stairs. This is GENERAL GAIDAR. GENERAL GAIDAR Gentlemen, thank you for joining us today. My name is General Gaidar. Bobby chuckles. The General slaps him across the face.

24. BOBBY Seriously! Why does everyone keep slapping me? DALE (under his breath) Just shut up and go with it. GENERAL GAIDAR If you both would be so kind and join me on the plane. Bobby holds his hands up. BOBBY No way, dude. Id rather die than get on a plane. The General snaps his fingers. The Drivers cock their guns and point them at Dale and Bobbys heads. BOBBY (CONTD) Plane ride sounds good. (to Dale) Havent you always wanted to fly? EXT. AIRPORT RUNWAY - LATER The plane gains speed before taking off. BOBBY (O.S.) Were gonna die man. This is it. (beat) If hell is real... you think thats where the hookers will be? DALE (O.S.) Shut up, Bobby. The plane nears the end of the runway and lifts off. The sound of Bobby screaming like a little girl ends the scene. EXT. HILLSIDE - RUSSIA - DAY Establishing shot of a field with scattered trees and grazing cows. A car drives down a dirt road to an old barn. Driver exits the car and opens the passenger door. General Gaidar exits. The suited man then opens the back door and pulls Dale and Bobby out. Theyre both masked with black sacks and have their hands cuffed behind them.

25. Theyre escorted inside the barn. INT. BARN - CONTINUOUS General Gaidar walks over a straw floor toward a caged bull. The animal bucks and snorts violently until General Gaidar snaps his fingers. The bull is immediately passive. General Gaidar enters the stable and uncovers a hatch beneath the straw. He descends the staircase and motions Driver to follow. INT. SECRET LAB - LATER Two men, DR. BASIN and DR. ASMIK, wear white lab coats and stare at a large screen. The walls are lined with electric panels and high-tech equipment. They argue. DR. BASIN Trust me, Im telling you. DR. ASMIK I dont know, she looks pretty hot to me. We see theyre looking at a womans Facebook profile. DR. BASIN Why would a girl that hot friend request you out of nowhere? DR. ASMIK Maybe because we both like Entourage and football. DR. BASIN Or maybe because shes a dude who gets off from your dirty talk. Dr. Basin takes over the controls. DR. BASIN (CONTD) Watch, I bet she only has one pictureDR. ASMIK Her camera isnt working, she cant afford a new one right now becauseDr. Basin has clicked on Asmiks messages and is reading back his kinky conversation.

26. DR. BASIN I want you to mouthwash my balls like a slave...? Dr. Asmik wrestles for the controls. DR. ASMIK Get out of there! Thats privateDR. BASIN What kind of dirty talk is that anyway? Like civil-war slutty? The entrance doors to the room slide open. The Doctors compose themselves and hit a button that hides the contents of the screen. General Gaidar enters, followed by the suited man leading Bobby and Dale. The General nods and the suited man leaves. GENERAL GAIDAR Doctors, weve retrieved the two subjects. DR. BASIN Perfect, lets see them. General Gaidar removes the sacks from their heads and rips the tape from their mouths. They wince from the sting. BOBBY Where are we? And whats with all this Men In Black shit! The General slaps him. Bobby is used to it by now. Cool, man. BOBBY (CONTD)

DR. ASMIK Welcome, gentlemen. Arent you curious as to why youre here? BOBBY No shit sherThe General rears his hand back. Bobby cringes and whines. BOBBY (CONTD) Sorry, sorry, sorry!

27. DR. ASMIK Its actually very simple. Were a group of scientists dedicated to ameliorating the ignorance of man, thus fostering a more competent civilization, and bettering the lives of men and women. BOBBY OK, that was the most unsimple thing Ive ever heardDALE I got scientists and women... DR. BASIN Allow me. Were some smart people who want to get rid of dumb people by proving God isnt real. BOBBY That makes more sense. DALE So what do we have to do with this? BOBBY (to Dale) He just said they needed smart people, dumbass. DR. ASMIK Our plan is somewhat complicated. Even with science and modern technology, we are still unable to convince the world that there is not a magic man in the sky dictating their lives. BOBBY (pointing to Asmik) I dont like it when he talks. Dr. Basin tries to find an easier way to explain. DR. BASIN You cant prove something didnt happen if it happened a long time agoDR. ASMIK If a man is dead you cant show he never died-

28. DR. BASIN

If a-

DALE What the fuck are you two talking about! DR. BASIN OK. To prove God isnt real, we have to send people back in time to see what really happened. BOBBY And you want us to build a time machine? The two doctors share a laugh. DR. BASIN No. We want you to go back in time. DALE Wait, you want us to do what? DR. ASMIK Its simpleBOBBY (pointing to Asmik) Fuck you riddleboy! Dr. Basin laughs at Dr. Asmik DR. BASIN Look, all you have to do is pretend to be two of Jesus disciples and prove his miracles were a hoax. DALE How are we supposed to do that? DR. BASIN Well send you back to the time when Jesus picked his disciples, and youll just pretend to be them. DALE So why did you choose us? DR. BASIN Well, partly because nobody will miss you. But mostly because you actually look just like them.

29. Dr. Asmik turns the screen on. It shows his dirty conversation that was left up. GENERAL GAIDAR I want you to mouthwash my balls like a slave...? Dr. Asmik quickly exits the window and opens the correct image. DR. ASMIK Sorry about that. The image shows the disciples Peter and Andrew comparatively to Dale and Bobby. They look very similar. The screen superimposes beards on Dale and Bobbys faces, making them identical to the disciples. DALE Holy shit... BOBBY And what do we get for this? GENERAL GAIDAR You get to not die. BOBBY Cool. Go back to the fucking stoneage or die... Dale sees General Gaidar doesnt appreciate Bobbys comments and tries to diffuse things. DALE (to Bobby) Wait a second, (to Gaidar) Can I speak to my brother real quick? The General snorts. Dale walks his brother to the corner of the room where they speak in private. DALE (CONTD) Look this could actually work for us. How? BOBBY

30. DALE If we go back in time and prove Gods not real, we can save mom from dyingBOBBY Mom died in a plane crash. How is that gonna save her? DALE Yeah a plane she got on for a mission trip... If she doesnt believe in God, shell never go on the trip... and never die... BOBBY Holy shit youre right. The Doctors watch them from the other side of the room. DR. BASIN (to Asmik) You think they realize theyll be stuck in the past? Dale and Bobby finish speaking and turn around. Were in! DALE

DR. ASMIK (to Basin) Guess not... INT. TRAINING ROM / SECRET LAB - LATER Bobby and Dale sit in a small room. Dr. Basin and Dr. Asmik stand in front of a white board. DR. ASMIK Alright, to make you two not stand out so much we need to go over a few things. First, no swearing. DR. BASIN No shits, no fucks, no dicks, no assholes. Bobby raises his hand. Dr. Asmik acknowledges him. BOBBY What about bitch?

31. DR. ASMIK BOBBY

No bitch. Whore?

DR. BASIN Whore is good. Use whore. DALE What about damn? DR. BASIN Damn is also good. BOBBY What about... slutty pussy? Dr. Asmik covers his face with his palm. DR. BASIN No, there were no slutty pussies in that time. BOBBY God damnit. DR. ASMIK OK, you cant put God before damn either... TRAINING ROOM - LATER Dr. Asmik explains to Dale and Bobby how they should walk. DR. ASMIK You shouldnt walk with your shoulders slouched and your back hunchedHe imitates the poor posture. DR. ASMIK (CONTD) But more upright with your chest out, head back, and your feet moving in front of you. He walks pretentiously. BOBBY OK, that looks faggy as fuck. Dr. Basin smacks Bobby with a ruler.

32. DR. BASIN Stop saying fuck! TRAINING ROOM - LATER Dr. Asmik pulls two fake beards from a crate and holds them. DR. ASMIK Youll need to have lengthy facial hair, but since we dont have time to grow them, just wear these. Dr. Asmik and Dr. Basin glue the beards to Bobby and Dales faces. They look at each other and laugh. BOBBY You look like road-kill when they scrape it off the pavement. DALE You look like the pubes I cant reach when Im shaving. BOBBY You look uglier than you do normally. DALE You look like an Amish mans asshole. Dr. Basin smacks Dale with the ruler. DR. BASIN Stop saying asshole! TRAINING ROOM - LATER Bobby and Dale act in front of the two doctors, proving theyve learned how to conform their behavior. They walk toward each other with their shoulders back. BOBBY Good morrow young chap! Dr. Basin slaps the table. DR. BASIN What the hell is that? Were not sending you to London. Just use small words.

33. Bobby coughs and starts over. BOBBY Hello, Peter. Does the Lord shine his favor on you today? DALE He does young Andrew. And you? BOBBY Oh yes, he does. I only wish he might send a young whore to spank my staff with. The two doctors look at each other and shake their heads. DR. BASIN Fuck it, close enough. INT. SECRET LAB - LATER Dale and Bobby, looking like biblical characters, stand in the middle of a large cylindrical machine. The two Doctors stand at a control panel with General Gaidar beside them. DR. BASIN Remember, your goal is to disprove Jesus miracles. You must not let anyone know youre from the future. BOBBY No shits, no dicks, no assholes... Got it. DR. ASMIK No, really. Your only mission is to prove the miracles were an illusion. Everything else must stay the same. BOBBY Alright, Doc. You sending us back to the future or what? The doctors stare at each other for a beat before pressing a large red button. Electrical beams flare from the top of the machine as Bobby and Dale swirl in a tornado of energy. They disappear. GENERAL GAIDAR Did it work?

34. DR. BASIN One way to see. Dr. Basin runs to a table that a Bible is placed on. He flips through pages until finding one titled The Book Of Bobby. Oh shit. DR. BASIN (CONTD)

GENERAL GAIDAR What is it? DR. BASIN That moron wrote his own book of the bible. DR. ASMIK What does it say? Dr. Basin fingers the page and begins to read back Bobbys account of what happened. DR. BASIN Chapter 1, verse 1. It all started when the Soviets sent us back in time... He stops reading and covers his face. DR. ASMIK Were fucked... INT. CLAY HOUSE - CAPERNAUM - PAST PETER and ANDREW, who look exactly like Dale and Bobby, gather their things as they prepare to leave for a day of fishing. They seem abnormally happy. ANDREW Do you sense the same stir in the air as I do, brother? PETER Indeed I do. I have felt the Lords presence nearing all morning. Something tells me our lives will be forever changed todayEXT. CLAY HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Bobby and Dale appear from thin air and land in a pile of animal manure outside the house. They stand up in disgust.

35. BOBBY What the fuck! DALE Shh! Were here five seconds and youre already screwing things up! BOBBY Fine. Fucketh this cow shit. Shut up. DALE

EXT. CLAY HOUSE - LATER We hear Peter and Andrew talking as they exit the front of their adobe. PETER (O.S.) The lord shines his favor todayAs they exit the house, theyre both clubbed over the head by Bobby and Dale. They drag the bodies inside. EXT. CLAY HOUSE - LATER Bobby and Dale exit the house in the other mens clothes. BOBBY (IN CHARACTERS EYES: ANDREW) Looking good, Peter. DALE (IN CHARACTERS EYES: PETER) (not amused) Come on. Just dont fuck this up like you do everything else. Peter walks ahead of Andrew. BOBBY Oh, OK. So you can say fuck but I cant. EXT. BEACH OF CAPERNAUM - LATER JOHN and JAMES, two friends of Peter and Andrews, wait for their companions on a fishing boat. John is the younger/smaller brother, and has a dainty demeanor. JAMES Hand me that net.

36. John picks up the net and is frightened when a fish flops from inside of it. He drops it squeamishly. JAMES (CONTD) What was that? JOHN Oh, nothing. My uh, funny bone got hit by a... His voice trails off. What!? JAMES

JOHN Oh, look! Peter and Andrew are here. Peter and Andrew wander aimlessly along the beach. JAMES (yelling) Peter! Andrew! Over here! They look at each other and shrug their shoulders. Head over. JAMES (CONTD) What took you so long? BOBBY (AS ANDREW) Oh, the uh, damn rooster... set it an hour late. James cocks an eye. DALE (AS PETER) He uh, means the animals needed tending to this morning. JAMES Well hurry up. Already losing sun. Of course. DALE

They struggle to look like they know what theyre doing. A voice calls from the distance. Hello! JESUS (O.S.)

37. BOBBY Who is that? JESUS walks down the beach in a robe and sandals. He smiles. JAMES Thats Jesus of Nazareth. Have you gone blind? JOHN Well if he has I bet Jesus can fix it. James smacks the back of his brothers head. JOHN (CONTD) (to self) He could... Jesus approaches the boat. JAMES My lord, what brings you amongst us today? JESUS Friends, it is time. BOBBY Time for what? JESUS Time to go fishing. JAMES But we are already fishing. Jesus holds out his arm and a fish leaps into his hand. JESUS Not for fish, my friend. From now on you will be known as fishers of men. Bobby whispers to Dale. BOBBY That sounds gay as shit. Dale elbows his brother.

38. JOHN You mean were actually going to talk to people, and not touch slimy, wet nasty fish all day? JESUS Yes, John. Come, we leave for Bethsaida. Quick Images: * Dale and Bobby follow Jesus and the other disciples down a dirt road to Bethsaida. Bobbys complains that his sandals are uncomfortable and ask if anyone has a pair of socks. * James signals the group is stopping at a village for food. They approach a woman with bread and fish. Bobby doesnt seem to like the food. Asks the woman where he can get a burrito. * The group walks down the road again in blistering heat. Bobby covers his face with his hand and asks for sunscreen. EXT. HILL - BETHSAIDA - DAY The group arrives to a festival like atmosphere. Their are many circus-like tents, music circles, and a mass of people swarming through the crowd. JESUS Brothers, we are here. Dale and Bobby share a look of disbelief. JESUS (CONT'D) I must go pray by myself, but spend time with these people sharing Gods message. Dale spots an attractive young girl standing alone, MARTHA. BOBBY (to Dale) What is Gods message? DALE I dont know. Just stay out of trouble and keep an eye on Jesus. I think this is where he feeds all those people. So? BOBBY

39. DALE So, that means its the first miracle were supposed to prove wasnt real. Dale sees Martha start to walk away. DALE (CONTD) I gotta go. Just stay here. Dale heads toward the girl. Bobby mocks his brother until a peculiar smell catches his attention. He follows it. EXT. DRUM CIRCLE - BETHSAIDA - DAY Dale approaches Martha and introduces himself. Shes in a hurry looking for something. DALE Hey there, hows it going? MARTHA Fine? Do I know you? DALE Probably not, Im Dal... Err Peter. MARTHA Well Im sorry Peter, but Im very busy. DALE Maybe I can help. MARTHA I doubt it. DALE Come on, give me a chance. MARTHA (brusque) My brother is dying and I need to find the messiah. So unless you can help me I must be going. DALE Thats crazy! I mean not crazy just weird. Im friends with Jesus. MARTHA Jesus of Nazareth?

40. DALE Thats the one. MARTHA Can you take me to him? Dale sees Jesus walking just beyond a crowd of people. DALE Umm, I think hes talking to God right now. I could take you to him later. She studies him for a moment. MARTHA You really know Jesus? DALE Yeah dude, Im like a disciple. EXT. PRIESTS TENT - BETHSAIDA - DAY Bobby follows a trail sniffing the air with his nose. It leads him to a tent that he lets himself into. INT. PRIESTS TENT - CONTINUOUS Inside, a group of people play stringed instruments and drums. A PRIEST sits on a throne, being fanned as smoke permeates the air. The crowd stares at Bobby in silence. BOBBY Uhh, hey there. They dont respond. BOBBY (CONTD) I dont want to sound like a mooch or nothing, but are yall getting high in here? They look at each other, confused. BOBBY (CONTD) (gesturing) El marijuan-o? The priest stands. PRIEST What is your name?

41. BOBBY Bobby... I mean Andrew, Andrew Bobby. PRIEST Andrew who is called Bobby... Where do you travel from? BOBBY Umm, America. (bows) U.S.A.? The priest arches an eyebrow as a servant whispers in his ear. The atmosphere is growing tense. MAN Did you enter Bethsaida with the man they call the Son of God? Bobby chuckles BOBBY Who, Jesus? Yeah man, (makes handshake motion) Were like best friends for life. Two guards standing next to the priest draw their swords. BOBBY (CONTD) I mean fuck that guy. We just met yesterday. I dont even know him. MAN Why have you traveled here with this man? BOBBY Honestly, Im just here cuz the Soviets... Bobby realizes no one understands him. He sees a servant putting leafy herbs on an incense burner. BOBBY (CONTD) To uh, show you all a prophecy. MAN (enticed) Are you a prophet?

42. BOBBY Uh, yeah, here and there. I did a couple prophecies back in high school. MAN Then prove yourself. What? BOBBY

MAN If you truly are a prophet, tell us Gods plan for saving his people from the man they call Messiah. Bobby thinks hes saved himself. MAN (CONT'D) And if you fail I will kill you. BOBBY (to self) Shit. The guards draw their swords and start to approach Bobby. BOBBY (CONTD) OK, OK, OK. Bobby struggles for an idea. He remembers stopping for food on the way and seeing Jesus fill a wagon with bread and fish. BOBBY (CONTD) (pretending to pray) Yes...? Mhmm... Thanks God, talk to you soon... Love you too. Bobby opens his eyes. The priest itches with interest. PRIEST What is it? What did God say? BOBBY God says the Messiahs next miracle will happen soon. PRIEST What will it be? BOBBY Hes gonna feed everyone here.

43. PRIEST But how? That would require a bounty of food. BOBBY Thats why God showed me where Jesus is hiding all of itWhy? PRIEST

BOBBY Because... he wants us to eat it. PRIEST But we have just had our feast. It would be impossible to eat more. Bobby smiles. BOBBY Youve never been to CiCis. Quick Images: * Bobby asks a servant for his horn thing (shofar) and uses it backwards to make a pipe. He takes the incense from the burner and loads a bowl. He gets them all stoned. * The priest takes a hit and coughs as he passes the shofar. The tent starts spinning and he sees bending colors. Giggles. * Bobby speaks to a woman with a harp. He says, No its more of a (hums tune out of key). The woman thinks for a beat and replies, like this? She riffs Pink Floyd on her harp. * The priest laughs incessantly and asks Bobby for another prophecy. Bobby chuckles and calms himself before closing his eyes. He FARTS and everyone laughs terribly. INT. PRIESTS TENT - BETHSAIDA - LATER The Priests stomach growls. He quiets and grows pensive. Silence! PRIEST

The laughter dies as everyone stares attentively. PRIEST (CONTD) The Lord has given us hunger. Let us use it to fulfill his prophecy. (MORE)

44. PRIEST (CONTD) (looks for Bobby) Where is the prophet? Bobby has a vase on his head hes hot-boxing with. A guard removes it. Bobby laughs with disorientation. PRIEST (CONTD) (to Bobby) Show us the hidden food supply. BOBBY (giggling) What, yall got the munchies? The priest has lost his buzz and sense of humour. He snaps his fingers and the guards lift Bobby by his shirt. BOBBY (CONTD) Ohhh, you mean the miracle food. EXT. DISCIPLES CAMP - BETHSAIDA - LATER Bobby leads the Priest, two guards, and a few other people to the disciples wagon of food. He sees it is watched over by John and halts the Priest. Wait here. BOBBY

Bobby walks over to John, who is singing in a girlish timbre. BOBBY (CONTD) John! Whats up buddaay. What are you doing here all alone? JOHN Andrew, why are your eyes so red? I was just guarding the food like James asked me to. BOBBY While he gets to go party? Fuck that noise. Theres a pretty little girl down by the drum circle asking about you. John blushes with nervousness. JOHN Me? Really...

45. BOBBY Yeah, man. Why dont you go talk to her and let me watch this. JOHN OK. Whats her name? What do I say? BOBBY Her names uhh, Susan. Say anything John fidgets as he walks away. Turns back. JOHN Should I ask how she feels about marriage? BOBBY Whaaat the fuck are you talking about? Just grab her ass and tell her God told you to. John ponders the idea and walks away. JOHN Thanks Andrew! Bobby shakes his head. He turns and motions for the priest and his men to come out from hiding. They hurry to the cart and begin devouring the food. PRIEST (with food in mouth) Ive never been so hungry. EXT. DRUM CIRCLE - BETHSAIDA - CONTINUOUS Dale sits with Martha. They appear to have been talking for a while. DALE So why do you believe in God? MARTHA Why? Why wouldnt I? DALE You never asked yourself why God would let all these terrible things happen to people? MARTHA Have you ever asked yourself the same thing?

46. Dale is taken aback by her response. Nearby, he hears a woman shriek and sees John being slapped. He rushes over. DALE (to Martha) Come on. He finds John holding his cheek in bewilderment. DALE (CONTD) What happened? Before John can answer, his older brother James shows up. JAMES What are you doing? Youre supposed to be watching the food. JOHN Andrew sent me here, he saidJAMES You know youre more useless than a two-legged mule? James grabs Johns hand like a child and leads him back to the disciples camp. Dale and Martha follow. EXT. DISCIPLES CAMP - BETHSAIDA - LATER Bobby and the priests men have eaten most of the food when they hear James approaching. Bobby shoos everyone away. BOBBY Quick! We gotta get out of here! They flee. James and John come upon the camp to find an empty wagon littered with fish bones and bread crumbs. JAMES What is this? Our food is gone! JOHN I swear I left it here with Andrew. Dale and Martha arrive and see the two panicking. MARTHA (to Dale) Whats wrong?

47. DALE Im not sure, but I have a feeling I know whos behind it... James scolds his brother. JAMES I told you to do one simple thing! How hard is it to watch a wagon? JOHN Well why do I always have to stay behind and watch things? JAMES We must find Jesus. James grabs his brothers hand and drags him away. Dale and Martha follow. EXT. HILL TOP - BETHSAIDA - LATER Jesus is praying alone when James approaches him. The others wait behind. Jesus. JAMES

Jesus moves from his tranced state to acknowledge him. JESUS What troubles you, James? JAMES Our food. It is gone. JESUS How do you mean, gone? JAMES I mean gone. I left John to watch it and he left it for thieves to steal. Now we have nothing to eat. Jesus closes his eyes for a beat to pray. He opens them. JESUS Do not blame your brother for what you could have prevented. WhatJAMES

48. JESUS Go. See you have more than enough food. ButGo. JAMES JESUS

James returns to John, Dale, and Martha. MARTHA What did he say? JAMES He said to go back. MARTHA May I speak to him. Its terribly important, Ive come all the way from Bethany. My brotherJAMES Not now. We must go back. Martha sighs. EXT. DISCIPLES CAMP - BETHSAIDA - LATER James leads his brother, Dale and Martha back to camp. JOHN So wait, he said the food would just be there? JAMES For the last time, yes... Dale mocks the notion. DALE (twirlig finger) Koo-Koo... Martha smacks his hand. They walk in silence for a beat. JOHN (to James) You know, you could have watched the wagon yourself. Jesus is right, even if he is crazy.

49. JAMES

Shut up.

John mimics him. They hear commotion nearing the camp and find a large crowd of people. Some are waiting in line while others walk the opposite way with bread and fish in hand. DALE (to self) No fucking way... They push through the crowd to see the cart is overflowing with food as people hand it out to the masses. INT. PRIESTS TENT - LATER The priest paces back and forth while Bobby kneels with a sword pressed to his throat. The Priest stops to speak. PRIEST How has this happened? Bobby tries to push the sword away with his finger. BOBBY I dont know man, what are you asking me for? Im just a prophet. (beat) Maybe he knows magic or something. The Priest seems frightened. PRIEST Witchcraft? This is worse than I believed. How do we stop this? BOBBY Let me ask God... Bobby closes his eyes for a beat. BOBBY (CONT'D) Yup, he says get this sword out of my face. The Priest motions his hand and the guard lets Bobby stand. BOBBY (CONTD) (brushing self off) Thank you. PRIEST Now what do we do?

50. BOBBY Let me go...? PRIEST First tell us how to exile the Messiah. Bobby tries to remember his lessons from Sunday school. BOBBY Uh, whats the name of that big city where people get hung on crosses? Jerusalem? PRIEST

BOBBY Yeah! That one. God says youre gonna arrest him there, and tell everyone he does witch shitPRIEST Witch shit? BOBBY And then everyone will hate him and you crucify him... (reflects) Damn that sounds kind of fucked up. The Priest itches his beard as he sits in his throne. PRIEST But how do we get him to Jerusalem? Bobby sees a way to save himself. BOBBY Im going to lead him there. The Priest thinks for a moment before tossing a sack of coins to Bobby. PRIEST Take this. If your prophecy proves true, you will have much more. For real? BOBBY

PRIEST But wait...

51. The Priest calls out to a man in the tent. Judas! PRIEST (CONTD)

JUDAS (30), short with dark hair, appears with a shifty grin. PRIEST (CONTD) Take this man with you. Go before night falls. Bobby goes to shake the confused priests hand, bowing awkwardly instead. He and Judas leave. Bobby walks back in. PRIEST (CONTD) What is it? Bobby walks to the incense burner and puts a handful of the herbs in his coin sack. BOBBY Just gonna, grab some of this for the road. EXT. BEACH OF BETHSAIDA - NIGHT John, James, and Dale are loading supplies in a boat when Bobby and Judas wander upon them. Yo, Peter! BOBBY

Dale turns around and sees his brother. DALE Andrew? Where the hell have you been? And who is this? BOBBY Just running around, you know... Oh, this is JUDAS. Judas extends his arm to shake. Dale raises his upper lip. DALE Ehh, Im okay. BOBBY So whats with the boat? Where we going?

52. James speaks as he continues to prepare the boat. JAMES Jesus has instructed us to sail across the sea of Galilee. Why? BOBBY

JAMES He did not say. BOBBY Seriously, yall need to start asking some questions around here. If Jesus told you to jump off a bridge would you do it? JAMES What is a bridge? And yes. Bobby smacks his face with his hand. BOBBY Whatever. (re: Martha) Whos the babe? Martha kneels near the boat praying. DALE Thats Martha. Lay off. BOBBY You got dibs? Thats cool. (under breath) Ima have me forty wives anyway. Huh? DALE

BOBBY Nothing. When we going on this boat ride? EXT. BOAT AT SEA - LATER A violent storm tosses the boat around back and forth. James, Dale, and Judas try to pail water out of the hull while Bobby, John, and Martha cling to the stern in fear.

53. BOBBY I dont wanna die. Jesus I dont wanna die! JOHN Oh, God! Please dont let me die a virgin! Bobby suddenly stops whining and snickers at John. BOBBY Youre a virgin? Dale is hit by a wave and falls back near his brother. DALE Come on! Help us before we drown! BOBBY No thanks, bro. I think you got it. Dale angrily rises to his feet and starts to pail more water. James sees a giant wave coming and screams. JAMES Everyone hold on! They all take hold of something as the boat is consumed by water. When it turns upright, Dale is missing. MARTHA Wheres Peter? They look around but no one can find him. Hes gone! MARTHA (CONTD)

BOBBY (O.S.) HOLY FUCK!!! MARTHA Do you see him? BOBBY Its a ghost! They look at the water to see a man walking through the storm, surrounded by an aura of light. The thunder dies down and the waves calm. JAMES (O.S.) Its Jesus!

54. BOBBY

No shit...

Jesus extends his arm. The water becomes static. MARTHA Jesus! Peter has drowned, you have to save him! Jesus doesnt respond. Martha begins to pray out loud when Bobby dives off the boat. Underwater, Bobby sees Dales unconscious body floating toward the surface. He swims back. The people on the boat gasp when Dale body surfaces. JESUS Father, if you have plans for this man to live, let them be. Dale coughs up water and gasps for air. He panics. DALE (looking around) Where am I? What just happened? (seeing Jesus) WHOA! JESUS Peter, do you believe in me? Dale hesitates. Honestly? Peter! DALE MARTHA (O.S.)

DALE OK, fine! I do. JESUS Then stand. Dale tries to stand and miraculously balances himself on the water. He tests a few steps before running back and forth. DALE Holy shit! Check this out!

55. Dale gains speed and dives on his belly, slipnsliding across the water. Everyone on the boat laughs with joy, except for Bobby, who is still clinging to the side of it. Dale starts to run again, and dives on his belly his belly: Faggot! BOBBY

Dale hears his brothers envious dig and falls through the water. He surfaces and as Jesus enters the boat. JESUS Come, Peter. It is time we leave. Bobby struggles to climb in the boat. Dale dunks him in the water as he climbs over him. BOBBY What the hell, man? I tried to save you. DALE Yeah, Good job. John helps Bobby up. Bobby uses Johns robe to wipe his face. He dries his whole body off. JOHN Oh, yeah. Thats... totally cool. Martha hugs Dale as he sits by her, elated hes alive. DALE Did Jesus just save my life? Mhmm. Damnit! MARTHA DALE

MARTHA Whats wrong? You should be happy. DALE I am, its just... Im not supposed to believe in Jesus. Why not? MARTHA

56. DALE (mutter) Because if I do my mom dies. MARTHA What do you mean? Is she sick? DALE Sort of... Its complicated. MARTHA Dont worry, Jesus can help the sick. Thats why Im here, for my brother, Lazarus. A light bulb flashes in Dales eyes. DALE Wait! Youre brothers name is Lazarus! Yeah? MARTHA

DALE Thats it! Why didnt I think of it in the first place? MARTHA Think of what? On the other side of the boat, John and Bobby talk. JOHN What was that word you said? Which one? BOBBY

JOHN The one you yelled just before Peter fell in the water. Bobby thinks. Faggot? BOBBY

JOHN (giddy) Yes, thats the one. What does it mean?

57. BOBBY

Oh, uh...

Bobby looks and sees his brother talking to Jesus. BOBBY (CONTD) It means... someone who believes in Jesus. John thinks about this and smiles. JOHN You know what, earlier I was starting to think Jesus was crazy, but after all these miraclesOh, God... BOBBY

JOHN (animated) I think Im starting to feel like a faggot. Bobby face-palms himself. Dales rushes past him to Martha. DALE He said yes! To what? MARTHA

DALE Hes gonna save your brother! Really? MARTHA

DALE Yeah, he said well leave for Bethany when we land. Martha wraps her arms around Dale and holds him. He feels something warm for her... Their moment is interrupted by the elated shouting of John. JOHN (O.S.) Im a faggot!

58. EXT. CITY OF BETHANY - DAY The group enters the city on a market street lined with shops: caged chickens, vegetables, clay pots of wine. Martha points to an adobe near the end of the street. MARTHA There! Thats my familys house! Martha runs ahead. Everyone follows. A MARKET MAN tries to sell Bobby some goods as he walks by. MARKET MAN Care for some bread on your travels? Fresh eggs? Perhaps some wine? The mention of alcohol catches Bobbys attention. Judas grabs him. JUDAS Why are you stopping? BOBBY Look, Im just getting something to drink, relax. Keep an eye on Jesus. Ill catch up. Judas looks at him suspiciously, but walks off. Bobby turns to the merchant. BOBBY (CONTD) How much wine? The man holds up a clay jar the size of a basketball. BOBBY (CONTD) You dont have any whiskey do you? The man seems confused. BOBBY (CONTD) Nevermind. How much? MARKET MAN Three coins of silver. Bobby pulls his coin sack and pours several into his hand. John runs back seeing Bobby has dropped behind.

59. JOHN Andrew, What are you stopping for? Bobby hands over the coins and takes the jar of wine. BOBBY Just something to make this walking suck a little less. John sees the sack of coins Bobby puts in his robe. JOHN Where did you get all that money from? BOBBY Uhh, back in BarbadaBethsaida? JOHN

BOBBY Yeah. I was uh, playing a harp and people just started throwing coins at me. Wow. JOHN

John seems impressed, but distraught. BOBBY Whats wrong, little buddy? JOHN Oh, nothing. I just... He fidgets with his hands and shies away. BOBBY Come on, spit it out. JOHN Do you think you could you help me(mumbles) Imperse a werman... What?! BOBBY

JOHN (frustrated) Could you teach me how to impress a woman!

60. Bobby laughs. JOHN (CONTD) Ohh great. I knew I shouldnt have said anything. John turns around and starts to walk off. Bobby grabs him. BOBBY No, come on. Im sorry. Look, you want a little help with the ladies, I got you. You want a littleBobby humps his pot of wine. BOBBY (CONTD) A little of this, huh? A littleHe flicks his tongue at John. John is uncomfortable. Oh, umm... JOHN

Bobby mimics shoving a penis in his mouth. JOHN (CONTD) OK, thats just gross. Bobby laughs and slaps John on the shoulder. JOHN (CONTD) (agitated) Look, I dont want to... stick my tongue in a girls sand pitHer what? BOBBY

JOHN ...Hidden valley? Bobby looks at John like hes crazy. JOHN (CONTD) Snake cave? BOBBY Wow. Were you home-schooled or something? John doesnt understand.

61. BOBBY (CONTD) Nevermind, come on. You got a lot to learn. MONTAGE: * Bobby and John stand near a cage of chickens on the market street. Bobby holds Johns shoulder. BOBBY (CONTD) OK, first you gotta learn how to talk to women. JOHN How is it different than talking to men? BOBBY Because you have to insinuate what you really want say. JOHN What do you mean? BOBBY You gotta be dirty, but not too dirty. Say something filthy about something normal... like wow I bet that robe would look great on your floor John just looks confused. Bobby pushes him toward the cute YOUNG GIRL selling chickens. He bumps into her. YOUNG GIRL Hey! Watch it. JOHN Why dont, you watch it... Excuse me? YOUNG GIRL

JOHN You have very nice chickensThe girl crosses her arms and looks at John contemptuously. JOHN (CONTD) I uh, I bet youd look great naked. She slaps him. Bobby sees from a distance.

62. BOBBY

Ouch...

* John and Bobby stand beside an adobe where a WOMAN uses an archaic broom to sweep. Bobby offers John some wine. BOBBY (CONTD) Here, you need to loosen up a bit. John takes a sip. BOBBY (CONTD) Come on, dont be a bitch. Chug that shit. He takes a gulp. Hiccups. BOBBY (CONTD) Alright, now you gotta make a girl think youre reading her mind. JOHN What? This is stupid. BOBBY No, for real. You gotta put ideas in her head. Watch this. Bobby bats his eyes at John. JOHN Wha...What are you doing? BOBBY (girlish voice) What are you doing. John looks around to avoid the awkwardness. JOHN Umm, Im just standing here. BOBBY (girlish voice) Youre not thinking about what Id look like bent over? John gags. JOHN Oh my God... I think Im gonna throw up.

63. BOBBY See! All I had to do was say it and you started thinking about me nakedYeah, butJOHN

BOBBY Faggot. Now go get em! Bobby pushes John around the corner where the woman is sweeping. He inhales some dust and starts coughing. WOMAN SWEEPING Are you OK? JOHN Im fine. How are you? WOMAN SWEEPING Im well. Can I help you? John starts to feel the alcohol. His words slur. JOHN You uh, what are you thinking about? The woman looks a bit frightened and takes a step back. JOHN (CONTD) Are you thinking about my... Penis The woman gasps and smacks him with her broom. Bobby snickers. * Bobby and John sit on a fence surrounding a flock of sheep. Bobby takes a chug of wine and offers some to John. JOHN (CONTD) No thank you. BOBBY Cmon, drink it. John sighs and relents. He drinks some more and hands the pot back to Bobby, swaying. BOBBY (CONTD) What you need now is confidence. JOHN I have confidence.

64. BOBBY Yeah about as much confidence as that goats asshole. John looks and sees a goat taking a shit. He shrugs. BOBBY (CONTD) You gotta take control. Dont let her think she has a choice. JOHN That doesnt sound nice at all... BOBBY Fuck nice! Nice guys always finish last. Look, you see that girl? He points at a GIRL tending to her flock. She pets a goat. JOHN (dreamy) She looks nice... BOBBY Exactly. Nice girls want bad men. Thats why theyre so nice, its like a fantasy! JOHN I dont think you know what youre talking about. BOBBY Then whyd you ask me for help? John sighs. Fine. JOHN

BOBBY All you have to do is walk right up to her, grab her neck and kiss her... Dont even say anything. John hops down from the fence and takes a step towards her. He turns back. JOHN OK, give me one more. John takes another chug of wine. Walks toward the girl.

65. BOBBY (to self) Holy shit! This is gonna be awesome. INT. MARTHAS HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Jesus and Martha talk to her parents upstairs while Dale, Judas, and James sit idly. Dale notices his brothers absence. DALE Wheres Andrew? JUDAS Andrew and John stopped for wine. Im sure theyll be along shortly. A SERVANT enters the home. SERVANT Oh, hello. I did not know we were expecting guests. DALE Oh, no. Were just here with Martha. The Servants face falls weary. Oh... Oh? SERVANT DALE

SERVANT I guess she hasnt heard. DALE Heard what? SERVANT Her brother passed away two days ago. Judas and James grow somber. Dale tries to hide his optimism, knowing Jesus will raise Lazarus from the dead. SERVANT (CONTD) We buried him yesterday-- outside, near the flock.

66. Suddenly, SCREAMING is heard from outside. DALE What the...? Bobby bursts inside with his jar of wine, slamming the door shut behind him. DALE (CONTD) What are you doing? BOBBY HIDE! Theres fucking zombies out there! DALE No, no, no! ItsThe doorknob JIGGLES. Bobby hides beside the door as LAZARUS enters. Bobby SMASHES the jar of wine over his head. Lazarus falls to the ground. BOBBY Die you blood-sucking piece of shit! DALE No! You fucking idiot! Dale wrestles his brother off so Lazarus can stand. Martha runs downstairs teeming with joy. MARTHA Lazarus! Youre alive! She runs to hug him. Judas and James share a look of utter confusion. MARTHA (CONTD) Why are you soaked in wine? (to Dale) And what are you two doing? BOBBY Look out! Dont let him bite you! Dale puts his hand over Bobbys mouth. DALE (to Martha) Sorry, hes had a little too much to drink.

67. John stumbles through the door with a black eye and slurring his words. JOHN (grinning) Guess who got his first kissA deafening THUD is heard from upstairs. Everyone falls silent and looks upward, where Jesus is standing. JESUS Look at you all! Fighting and being drunk, when youre supposed to be about Gods business! BOBBY (underneath Dale) Is it Sunday? Dale covers Bobbys mouth with his hand. JESUS The Passover is nearing and we still have not prepared. Judas looks at Bobby and sees hes being silenced. He raises his hand. JUDAS Lord, If I may... Jesus looks at him. JUDAS (CONTD) My father has a house in Jerusalem, where we may celebrate the festival. Jesus deliberates. Bobby rips his brothers hand off his mouth. BOBBY That sounds like a good plan. Go then. JESUS

JUDAS Arent you coming, Lord? JESUS I must fast and ask God for your forgiveness. (MORE)

68. JESUS (CONT'D) Meet me outside the gates of Jerusalem on the first night of the festival. Bobby fist-pumps. Yes! BOBBY

JESUS Go now, and do not wander. Judas deviously rubs his hands together. EXT. ROAD TO JERUSALEM - DAY James and John walk with Judas down a dirt road to Jerusalem. Dale and Bobby follow from behind. BOBBY Why do we have to walk everywhere? Cant we ever use a horse or something? Dale seems especially ill-tempered. Shut up! DALE

BOBBY What are you so pissy about? DALE Maybe because you keep fucking everything up like you always do. BOBBY Me? How did I screw things up? DALE Did you see Jesus raise Lazarus from the dead back there? BOBBY How was I supposed to know that wasnt the zombie apocalypse? DALE No, you moron. Jesus can obviously bring people back to life. I was going to ask him to save mom until you pissed him off.

69. BOBBY Dude, dont you remember anything about the bible? Jesus is about to die... DALE Not if I have anything to do with it. BOBBY What does that mean? DALE It means Im going to stop Jesus from dying so hell send us back to the future and save mom. Bobby runs in front of his brother to stop him. BOBBY Are you out of your fucking mind? You cant just do that. Dale shoves past him. DALE I can do whatever I want. BOBBY Listen, all we gotta do is let shit ride its course and we get to be rich. DALE What are you talking about? Bobby stops him again. BOBBY This Priest told me if I bring Jesus to Jerusalem hell give me whatever I want! DALE When did this happen? You didnt tell me about it? (beat) And what about mom? What happens to her? BOBBY What do you think? Moms dead. I miss her too, but theres nothing we can do about it.

70. The argument escalates. DALE You never even cared about her! Its your fault she died in the first place! Judas, John and James look back. They see them fighting but cant hear what theyre saying. BOBBY What the fuck does that mean!?! DALE Mom died in a plane crash. A plane she was never supposed to be on. And? BOBBY

Dale clinches his fists. DALE God! Youre just so fucking stupid sometimes. Do you not remember stealing her car to go to the strip club the night before she died? Bobby looks lost. DALE (CONTD) Yeah, I doubt you do because you were too fucked up to remember you made mom miss her flight! Bobby becomes upset and lowers his head. DALE (CONTD) Thats right asshole! You killed mom! Bobby wipes his eyes. He looks up. BOBBY Fuck you, Dale! He walks off in the opposite direction. Judas, John and James see this. JOHN Whats going on? Wheres he going?

71. JUDAS I dont know. Let me take care of it. Judas starts to walk toward Bobby when James grabs his arm. JAMES But the Passover? He thinks for a moment. JUDAS Wait at the Gates of Jerusalem. I will find you when everything is ready. He chases after Bobby. Dale catches up with James and John. JAMES What happened? Why is he leaving? DALE Fuck it, lets go. They walk for a bit before hearing the sound of a TROT from behind. They turn to see a horse and cart approaching. They see Bobby and Judas are in the cart. Bobby flashes his ass as they pass by. INT. SECRET LAB - RUSSIA - PRESENT TIME Dr. Basin reads from Bobbys book of the bible. He looks up and removes his glasses, panic in his eyes. Dr. Asmik notices and stops pacing. DR. ASMIK What is it? DR. BASIN He changed the plan... DR. ASMIK Changed the plan? Dr. Basin stands up and faces Asmik. DR. BASIN Hes going to save Jesus...

72. INT. OFFICE - SECRET LAB - LATER The two doctors stand in front of a desk, staring at the back of a tall chair. The chair swivels to face them, revealing General Gaidar sitting pensively with his hands interlaced. GENERAL GAIDAR Kill them... The doctors look at each other. DR. BASIN OK... but, what about Jesus? GENERAL GAIDAR Kill them all... INT. HIGH-PRIEST TEMPLE - JERUSALEM - PAST Bobby and Judas stand before the Priest and an array of guards. The Priest sits on a throne with a carpet leading up to him. PRIEST Tell me, Prophet, have you brought the Messiah to Jerusalem? BOBBY Not yet, butNot yet?!? Judas intervenes. JUDAS Jesus is on his way. He comes to celebrate the Passover. The Priest scratches his beard. PRIEST Tell us what we must do. BOBBY Dude, I told you. All you gotta do is arrest him and put him on that cross thing. PRIEST But the people have found favor in him. They would not stand to see him arrested. PRIEST

73. Judas interjects. JUDAS Find my house on the first night of the festival. I will kiss him when the time is right. What?!? BOBBY

Judas and the Priest stare at Bobby. BOBBY (CONTD) Seriously, cant you just point or something? PRIEST Do not fail me. Judas turns to leave. Bobby bows before being grabbed by his shirt and pulled away. EXT. GATES OF JERUSALEM - LATER Dale, John, and James wait outside the city under a willow tree. Dale and John appear to be playing rock-paper-scissors. DALE Rock, paper, scissorsDale throws paper and is confused by the one finger John is holding out. DALE (CONTD) What is that? JOHN Its a sword. DALE What? Theres no swords. Where did you get swords from? JOHN Well I dont know what scissors are either but you said we could use those. Why cant I use a sword? DALE Because thats not how you play! John is hurt by Dales screaming.

74. JOHN This game sucks anyway, I dont want to play with you. John pretends to hurl something at Dale. DALE What was that? JOHN That was me throwing a rock at you. James, sitting a few feet from them, has had enough. JAMES Both of you, shut up! DALE Whats your problem? JAMES Youre acting like children! JESUS (O.S.) Children of God, I hope. They all turn to see Jesus. DALE Jesus! Youre here! Jesus smiles and hugs his disciples. JESUS Have you prepared for the Passover? ActuallyJAMES

DALE Um, Jesus, can I talk to you for a second? Dale drags Jesus to the side. JESUS What is it, Peter? Dale looks around before speaking erratically. DALE Jesus some really messed up shit is about to happen. (MORE)

75. DALE (CONT'D) Someones gonna try to kill you theyre gonna blame you for some dumb shit and my brother just wants to be rich but if you could save my momJesus grabs his shoulder and calms him down. JESUS Peter, Peter. God knows what is to come. It is not your job to worry. ButDALE

JESUS Where is your brother? DALE Thats what Im trying to saySuddenly the large gates to the city open. Bobby and Judas walk through them with a donkey. BOBBY Whatup boys! Hehehe. JAMES Andrew! Judas! JESUS (to Dale) Come. They walk over to meet Bobby and Judas. Judas offers the donkey to Jesus. JUDAS Lord, surely youve tired from walking. JESUS Thank you, butBOBBY Cmon, I know it aint a stretch limo, butJESUS Alright, if it will make you happy. Jesus mounts the donkey but it doesnt move. He gives it a light kick and its stomach growls.

76. BOBBY Cmon you piece of shit! Bobby slaps the donkeys ass. The donkey FARTS. BOBBY (CONTD) What the fuBobby and Judas clinch their noses while John, James and Dale laugh. JUDAS How dare it! Does it not know it carries the son of God?!? BOBBY I mean, it is a donkey... JUDAS This animal does not deserve to live! JESUS Calm yourself, Judas. Jesus pets the donkeys mane. JESUS (CONTD) Oh gentle creatureThe donkey bucks Jesus off and throws him to the ground. Jesus stands and speaks unlike himself. JESUS (CONTD) OK, fuck that thing. INT. HOUSE IN JERUSALEM - NIGHT Jesus sits at the head of a table with his eyes closed. John, James, and Dale sit across from Judas and Bobby. Dale and Bobby exchange dirty looks while everyone prays. DALE (mouthing) Fuck you! BOBBY (mouthing) No, fuck you!

77. Dale flips his brother off. Bobby kicks Dale under the table, accidentally hitting a leg and causing everything to shake. The plates CLANG. Jesus eyes open suspiciously. Amen. JESUS

Everyone looks up. We see there are seven RANDOM MEN sitting on the far side of the table. BOBBY By the way, who are these guys? JUDAS Oh, well, I got a table for twelve, so... Jesus interrupts. JESUS Brothers, The Lord God has spoken to me on my way to Jerusalem. JAMES What did he say? His demeanor grows solemn. JESUS He said, one of you, one of my own, will betray me on this very night. Dale covers his mouth. DALE *COUGH* Judas *COUGH* Bobby glowers at him. JAMES But who, Lord? Is it me? John drops his hands on the table. JOHN (whiney) Its me isnt it. I knew it. I suck at being a disciple. The random men sense things are getting weird.

78. RANDOM MAN 1 Um, should we go? JESUS God has already told me who it is, and I will say, it would be better for him if he had never been born. Dale whispers to Judas. DALE Youre fucked dude. He leans toward Jesus and speaks softly. DALE (CONTD) Jesus, you dont have to let this happen. JESUS It is not my place to question Gods plan. Dale looks confused as Jesus stands. Everyone falls silent. JESUS (CONTD) I must be alone. Wait here. Jesus leaves the room. Everyone remains seated without speaking. A few awkward moments pass. BOBBY So... Am I gonna be the first one to say something or are we waiting on a sign from God? Suddenly TWO NINJAS break down the front door and rush in with swords. They wear black clothing concealing themselves and immediately chop two of the random mens heads off. Everyone screams. Bobbys shrieks and throws a plate at the ninjas. The ninja slices it with his sword. The random men stand to fight while everyone else backs themselves against the wall. DALE Quick! What do we do?!? The random men surround the ninjas. One ninja crouches to spin on his heel, cutting off all of the random mens feet. They cry in pain.

79. RANDOM MAN 2 AHHH! My legs! The second ninja twirls his weapon with mastery before spinning with his sword extended. He stops. Nothing seems to have happened. The other ninja lightly taps one their heads. It falls over and knocks the other heads off like dominoes. RUN!!!! DALE

Dale, Bobby, James, John, and Judas all run upstairs. NINJA 1 (Russian accent) Go get Jesus! Ill take care of them. The second ninja runs outside while the other creeps up the staircase. UPSTAIRS He tip-toes into the room with his sword raised, checking every corner. No one. Looking around the room he sees a wood-cast closet, a straw bed on wooden planks, and a chest on the other side of the room. Theres silence until... a FART from under the bed. DALE Dammit, Bobby! Im sorry! BOBBY

The ninja leaps for the bed with his sword. We see Dale and Bobby hiding underneath as it pierces just between them. AHHH! BOBBY (CONTD)

Dale and Bobby flip the bed over and trap the ninja underneath. John, James and Judas come out from hiding and craw through the window onto the roof. Dale is halfway through when Bobby yells.

80. BOBBY (CONTD) Help! Hes got me! The ninja has Bobby by the ankle. Dale sees Jesus through the window. He looks back and forth, crawling back inside to kick the ninja in the face and save Bobby. DALE Hurry, we gotta save Jesus! EXT. GARDEN OF GETHSEMANE - CONTINUOUS Jesus kneels with his eyes closed in mid-prayer with God. JESUS Wait, thats your plan...? He listens. The ninja appears from the shadows behind him. Jesus eyes open as the Ninja swings his sword. Suddenly, the ninja is impaled in the head by a stone. James runs up to the dizzied ninja and slugs him, knocking him on his ass. Jesus doesnt move. JAMES Jesus! We must flee from here! No. JESUS

John and Judas scream Jesus name as they catch up. He stands to calm them. JESUS (CONTD) Do not fight. God has shown me his plan. JOHN Does it involve ninjas!? The sound of horses approaching steals their attention. The Priest and half a dozen GUARDS dismount beside them. Judas slithers his way to Jesus as the Priest pulls a scroll from his belt. PRIEST Who here is the one they call Messiah? Judas leans in to Kiss Jesus, but is brushed off by him.

81. JESUS

I am.

Two of the guards draw their swords as the others arrest Jesus. Dale and Bobby run up while the Priest reads from his scroll. PRIEST You are under arrest for the following charges: black magic... DALE Were too late! Judas intercepts Dale as he tries to reach Jesus. DALE (CONTD) Get off me! Dale knocks him on his ass but is stopped by the guards. DALE (CONTD) Jesus! Dont let them do it! Jesus lowers his eyes and shakes his head. The guards escort him toward a horse-drawn cage as Judas stands, unsheathing his sword and creeping toward Dale. Peter!!! JAMES Dale!!! BOBBY

James lowers his shoulder into Judas and knocks him over. As he falls toward the guards, Judas loses control of his sword and accidentally severs a guards ear. The wounded guard screams and stabs James in the stomach. James watches the sword slide out of his abdomen as blood pools into his hands. BOBBY What the fuck just happened! The guard walks away. Judas stumbles in fright before grabbing Bobby. JUDAS We must leave. Bobby just stares as Judas pulls on his arm. He watches John fall by his brothers side, trying to hold back tears. Im sorry. JAMES

82. JOHN (crying) For what? James coughs up blood. A commotion is heard nearing the area. Judas panics and drags Bobby away with him. JUDAS We have to go now! Bobby face looks regretful. He catches his brothers eye as hes pulled away. Dale shuns him. INT. HOUSE IN JERUSALEM / UPSTAIRS - DAY Dale sits against the wall in the room that was ransacked the night before. He looks hopeless. In the center of the room, the overturned bed still traps the ninja. He starts to groan. Shut up. DALE

The ninja groans louder and his limbs twitch. Dale reaches to the wood-cast closet beside him and topples it onto the ninja. He stops making noises. John enters the room. How is he? DALE (CONTD)

JOHN Alive. For now.... (beat) What about yours? My what? DALE

JOHN Your brother. Dale exhales and stands to look out the window. DALE He can die for all I care. (turns back to John) I dont know... John looks down at his feet.

83. JOHN Yeah. Its hard when you think your brother hates you... Dale grabs his own forehead. Come on. DALE

He steps on the mound of furniture trapping the ninja. The ninja moans as they leave. INT. HIGH-PRIEST TEMPLE - DAY The Priest sits on his throne with a triumphant smile. He drinks from a goblet as scantily clad servants drop grapes in his mouth. Judas and Bobby sit on a velvety couch being treated like royalty. Bobby brushes a woman off. Hes not in the mood. Judas looks over as a girl licks his ear. JUDAS What troubles you? BOBBY Well for one you killed my friends brother... And now mine really hates me. JUDAS Look around. You have everything you need. The girl who was tickling Judas ear pours wine in his mouth. BOBBY (shaking head) Yeah. Just wait til tomorrow. I bet the first thing Jesus does when he flies out of that tomb is whoop your ass. JUDAS Good thing theyre not putting him in the tomb then. What? BOBBY

Judas is mesmerized by the girl dancing in front of him.

84. JUDAS The Priest didnt want to take any chances. Hes putting a fake body in the tomb. BOBBY What the fuck are you talking about? The dancing girl grabs Judas and drags him away. JUDAS (looking back) Just relax. Weve already won. Bobby watches Judas leave and glowers at the Priest as beautiful women feed pieces of food to him. He sneaks away. INT. MARTHAS HOUSE / UPSTAIRS - DAY Martha is tidying things up with her servant when a KNOCK is heard from downstairs. She becomes excited. MARTHA Its Peter! Hes come back for me! She runs down the stairs and opens the door, but theres nobody there. She steps outside and shades her eyes to look left and right. Suddenly, a bag is forced over her head as shes taken by an unknown captor. INT. PRISON HOLDING CELL - DAY Bobby has snuck into the area where Jesus is being held. He passes different cells, whispering as he looks inside each. BOBBY Jesus... Jesus... He thinks hes spotted him. BOBBY (CONTD) (still whispering) Jesus! Cmon we gotta get you out of here! The man in the cell springs up like an animal. He snarls maniacally. Bobby shudders back against the cell behind him.

85. JESUS (O.S.) Hello, Bobby. Bobby turns around in shock. He sees Jesus sitting calmly, pulling the cloak off his head to reveal a crown of thorns. BOBBY Jesus! We have to-- wait? How did you know my name? JESUS God has told me everything. BOBBY Everything...? Jesus nods his head. Bobby covers his face. BOBBY (CONTD) So Im going to hell...? JESUS That is not what concerns him. The sound of keys is heard from afar. BOBBY Theyre gonna trick everyone by hiding your body. What do we do? JESUS I cannot interfere with Gods plan. Bobby stops whispering. BOBBY But everyones gonna blame me! A voice is heard in the distance. Andrew? VOICE (O.S.)

Bobby looks to his left and sees someone coming. JESUS (O.S.) I will forgive you. Bobby looks at Jesus in shame. JESUS (CONTD) And so will your brother... The man coming down the hall reaches Bobby. Its Judas.

86. JUDAS Andrew? What are you doing down here? The celebration has started. Bobby looks at Jesus and his crown of thorns. Two guards come and open Jesus cell. He flashes Bobby a smile of confidence as hes escorted away. BOBBY Well, uh... (feigning sincerity) Lets go party! EXT. OUTSIDE OF TEMPLE / CRUCIFIXION HILL - CONTINUOUS Dale and John have made it to the crucifixion gathering. They see the tips of crosses being carried through the crowd and try to push their way toward them. Theyve almost made it to the top of the hill when an ugly, OLD MAN holding a rooster grabs Dale. The man pulls a knife. OLD MAN Arent you one of Jesus disciples? The rooster starts to squawk when Dale grabs its beak to shut it up and kicks the old man on his ass. DALE Fuck yeah I am! They turn and push to the front of the crowd to find Jesus already hanging on the cross. EXT. TEMPLE BALCONY - CONTINUOUS Bobby and Judas stand on a balcony several stories above the ground. You can see the crosses from here. JUDAS Isnt it everything you imagined? He motions to the party going on behind them. JUDAS (CONTD) Well live like kings, never worry about anything... This must truly be what heaven is. Judas is standing next to the edge of the balcony surveying the grandness of his feat. Bobby sneaks up behind him.

87. BOBBY Well, I hope youre ready for Hell! He flips him over the balcony. EXT. OUTSIDE OF TEMPLE / CRUCIFIXION HILL - CONTINUOUS Amid the chaos of the crucifixion, Dale and John turn around as they hear a faint squeal coming from the temple. They see a body falling from a high balcony before it crashes. JOHN Hmm. Wonder what that was. They make their way to underneath Jesus cross. Jesus groans in pain as he weeps. DALE Jesus! Its us. Jesus looks down and sees them. DALE (CONTD) Can we do anything to help the pain? He stops weeping and speaks normally. JESUS Dont worry. I dont actually feel any of this. He looks back up and pretends to cry again. JESUS (CONTD) The agony! The pain! (back to Dale and John) I got about five minutes left of this before I go back to heaven. Whatsup? DALE I wanted to fix everything I fucked... (face palm) Messed up. JESUS Do you believe in me? (back to crowd) AHHH! Its so awful!!!

88. DALE Of course I do. JESUS Then youre forgiven, but you have to forgive your brother. Dale looks down as thoughts flood his mind. JESUS (CONTD) Dont worry. Youll know what to do. Violent thunder erupts in the sky as dark clouds form. JESUS (CONTD) Looks like my rides here. Love you guys! A sudden bolt of lightning triggers a downpour of rain. Jesus goes limp. Dale hears a noise from behind him. VOICE (O.S.) Pssst. Dale! He looks over and sees Bobby peeking from behind a boulder. Bobby waves them over. Dale hugs him too hard. BOBBY (muffled) Youre choking me... He lets him go. Bobby catches his breath. BOBBY (CONTD) Good to see you too, bud. Dale rambles off an apology. DALE (sporadic) Im sorry I hated you and blamed you for mom dying and never told-BOBBY Hey, hey, hey... Its OK. You were right to hate me. Ive been a selfish dickhole my whole life. What? DALE

89. BOBBY Yeah, man. Im sorry I never thought about anyone but myself. Dale hugs Bobby again. John smiles; hes been waiting for this. Dale finally lets go of Bobby. BOBBY (CONTD) But seriously, we gotta make things right. DALE What do you mean? Bobby peeks around the rock to make sure no one can hear him. BOBBY The Priest is gonna put a fake body in the tomb so no one knows Jesus is real. JOHN So what do we do? Cmon. BOBBY

EXT. JESUS TOMB - NIGHT Two guards, the great ancestors of Dr. Asmik and Dr. Basin, stand watch in front of the tomb. They look nearly identical to the Soviet doctors and argue in the same manner. GUARD ASMIK I got a bad feeling about this. GUARD BASIN (mimicking) Wahh, I have bad feewing... GUARD ASMIK Oh yea, mock me. Remember when you got us jobs tasting the kings food before he ate it? (shakes head) Ill tell you who doesnt remember... Allen... GUARD BASIN What is your point?

90. GUARD ASMIK My point is... (looks around) What if he really is the son of God? GUARD BASIN Let me guess, you think the earth is round too... Guard Basin is overtaken by laughter. GUARD BASIN (CONT'D) Do you believe every fairy tale you hear? DR. ASMIK Laugh. No really, enjoy your chuckle. Something tells me were going to be on the losing side of things in the future... They hear someone approaching and draw their swords. Dale and John squabble over something as they near the guards. DALE (O.S.) No, youre wrong. Trust me Ive been there. JOHN (O.S.) I can tell youre lying more than God can... GUARD ASMIK Who goes there? They draw their weapons. Asmiks sword shakes nervously with his hand. Hello. JOHN

Asmik pokes his sword at John. GUARD ASMIK Stay back! We are under strict orders to let no one near this tomb. JOHN But we are only shepherds, (points with staff) Making our way to Israel.

91. Guard Basin sheathes his sword. GUARD BASIN Israel? But Israel is that way. He points in the opposite direction. DALE I told you. GUARD ASMIK No its not. Its that way. GUARD BASIN Dont listen to him, hes an idiot. Guard Asmik sheathes his sword. GUARD ASMIK Who are you calling an idiot? GUARD BASIN Well I think Im calling you one. Guard Asmik takes a swing at Guard Basin. They scuffle for a bit until swinging at each other simultaneously, knocking each other out. John looks at Dale. They shrug their shoulders. Dale yells toward the top of the tomb. DALE OK, never mind! Now? BOBBY (O.S.)

DALE No, I said never mind! Oh, OK... BOBBY (O.S.)

John and Dale try to move the stone in front of the tomb but its too heavy. They try from different angles before giving up and leaning against the wall. Suddenly, a giant log falls just past them, landing on the incapacitated guards. Bobby runs around the corner. BOBBY (CONTD) Did I get em?

92. Dale and John shake their heads. EXT. JESUS TOMB - LATER John, Dale and Bobby are still struggling to open the tomb when the morning sun starts streaming through the trees. JOHN People are going to be here soon! DALE Its too heavy! Bobby kicks the tomb. BOBBY Abra cadabra motherfucker, cmon! Dale looks around. He sees a large tree branch above the tomb. DALE I got an idea... EXT. JESUS TOMB - DAY John helps his brother, James, manage his way down the path leading to Jesus tomb. James is bandaged at the waist. Theyre followed by a large group of people who have come to pay tribute to the Messiah. John doesnt notice a coiled snake and nearly steps on its head. He shudders like a girl when it tries to bite him. JAMES Dont be such a girl-James offers John his walking staff. John lifts the snake with it and tosses the serpent in the woods. When he offers the staff back to his brother: JAMES (CONTD) Mom would be so proud of you... John whacks his brother in the abdomen with the staff. He hands it to him. JOHN Hows your stomach feeling?

93. The tomb comes into sight. John calls back to the mass following. JOHN (CONTD) We are here! They reach the tomb and make a circle around the entrance. There are groups of weeping women, others consoling each other. John stands in front of the tomb. RANDOM WOMAN (O.S.) Where is Jesus! JOHN (nervous) Umm, he was right here... (calls out) Jesus! Everyones here to see you... Theres a few moments of awkward silence. RANDOM MAN (O.S.) Youre a liar! A commotion starts to break out when the sound of a beautiful instrument subdues everyone. They look up to see a white, floating figure strumming a harp above them. The figure flies back and forth plucking the strings. RANDOM WOMAN (O.S.) Its Jesus! The crowd rejoices as murmurs of Christs resurrection are heard amongst the people. We see Dale hiding in the brush holding the end of a large rope. REVEAL hes swinging Bobby around dressed as Jesus. Dale winks at John through the trees when someone hits him over the head with a wooden club. He drops the rope. The white figure falls from the sky and lands in the center of the group. BOBBY (DRESSED AS JESUS) (clutching his back) What the fuck... The crowd gasps. Dale is kicked so that he falls beside Bobby.

94. RANDOM MAN (O.S.) What is happening?! The two disciples Dale and Bobby have been imposters of, Peter and Andrew, emerge from the woods. Andrew holds Martha captive. Peter pulls a sword on Dale and Bobby. Martha! Peter! What? DALE MARTHA PETER

Dale face palms himself. Peter addresses the crowd. PETER (CONTD) Brothers! Sisters! I fear you have been deceived. He uses the sword to lift Bobby and Dales faces. PETER (CONTD) These men lead you astray! DALE Hes lying! Am I? PETER

Peter walks over to James and John. PETER (CONTD) Brother James, tell us who the imposters are. James looks back and forth between them. He cant tell. PETER (CONTD) (irritated) Allow me. He walks back to Dale and Bobby. PETER (CONTD) (to Bobby) If you are who you say, then tell us... What is your name?

95. BOBBY

Andrew...

PETER Andrew what? Bobby looks at Dale. He lets his head fall. A collective gasp is heard from the crowd. PETER (CONTD) (to Dale) And you, tell us what city you were born in? Dale thinks for a moment. Its on the tip of his tongue... DALE This is bullshit! Chaos ensues. An uproar of people surround Dale and Bobby, binding and pushing them up against the tomb for stoning. Dale and Bobby cower as everyone grabs a stone. BOBBY (to Dale) I finally do the right thing and now no ones ever gonna know. Dale sees Martha fighting to escape from Andrews grasp. He realizes what hes learned. DALE (to Bobby) God knows... Dale watches Peter lob a softball-sized stone into the air. When it falls back into his hand: Kill them! PETER

At once, an onslaught of stones fly toward them. We see a CLOSE UP of Dale and Bobby wincing, waiting... and opening their eyes to REVEAL the stones hovering in mid-air. Silence. Suddenly, the stone guarding the tomb begins to move. The crowd gasps.

96. Dale and Bobby turn around to see light beaming from the edges of the tomb. The stone rolls itself away to reveal a blinding light from inside. BOBBY Are we dead? When the light subdues itself, Jesus walks out of the tomb. The crowd falls to their knees. Dale and Bobby see this and do the same. Jesus laughs. JESUS Friends, why do you bow? Peter stands. PETER Jesus, it is you! We followed your trail for days! (grows solemn) But we were too late... He grows angry as he motions to Dale and Bobby. PETER (CONTD) These men, they lied to you! They are not your disciples! JESUS And who are my disciples? Peter becomes confused. He looks at Andrew, then back. PETER Well, we are... Jesus walks to Dale and Bobby, raising his hand to release their binds. JESUS Whomever believeth in me, he is my disciple. ButPETER

JESUS These men believed in me, and offered their lives to help others do the same. For that, (MORE)

97. JESUS (CONT'D) (looks to Dale and Bobby) You are my disciples. The crowd rejoices as Jesus hugs Dale and Bobby. Dale is overcome by inner happiness. Hes tapped on the shoulder and turns to see Martha smiling at him. DALE Martha, Im so sorry I lied to youShe puts a finger to his mouth. MARTHA If God can forgive you, so can I. She pulls him toward her and they kiss. The jubilation dies down. Dale turns to Jesus. DALE But what do we do now? JESUS The choice is yours. DALE So you can send us back to the future? JESUS If that is what you desire. Dale looks at Bobby, John and James, Martha... He wraps an arm around her. DALE I want to stay right here. More cheering from the crowd. JESUS You will marry and have many children of God. Jesus turns to John. JESUS (CONTD) And so will you. John looks confused. Hes approached by Marthas LITTLE SISTER, the one he kissed when he was drunk.

98. LITTLE SISTER Hey there, bad boy. He MEEPS a sound of happiness as she kisses him on the cheek. Bobby sees all of this. BOBBY But what about me? Who do I make babies with? Jesus walks to Bobby and places a hand on his shoulder. JESUS Unfortunately you made a deal with God that if you got out of jail you would... (looks at his crotch) Never make babies again... Sadness befalls Bobby. JESUS (CONTD) But God has much greater plans for you. Really? BOBBY

JESUS Oh yes. You will travel the world telling your story, spreading Gods word to all the nations. BOBBY You mean I get to write the Bible? Jesus nods. BOBBY (CONTD) Holy shit! Thats fucking awesome! (to Dale) Did you hear that? Im gonna write the Bible!! Dale and Bobby hug, when suddenly: VOICE OF OLD WOMAN (O.S.) Look at my boys! Mom? DALE Mom? BOBBY

They turn around to see their MOTHER as an angel.

99. MOTHER Im so proud of you two, come here! They all hug. MOTHER (CONTD) Now you boys be good. Ive got to go beat Jesus in some shuffle board. Dale looks back at Jesus. JESUS (mouthing) She cheats... They all laugh as the camera pulls back. FADE TO BLACK: INT. MARTHAS HOUSE - NIGHT Giggling is heard as two bodies wriggle under the covers, poking their heads out to reveal its Dale and Martha. DALE Who knew having a job could be so much fun. She smiles. MARTHA Wheres Bobby? DALE I dont know... INT. STUDY IN MARTHAS HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Bobby, looking dapper with reading glasses, a trimmed beard, and dipping his quill in ink, writes his story down. BOBBY (V.O.) And those who followed them saw the trueness of their hearts, and were forever followers of God from that day. He reads it pensively for a moment. Keeps writing.

100. BOBBY (V.O.) The disciple Bobby was asked by Jesus himself-DISSOLVE TO: INT. CHURCH SERVICE - PRESENT TIME An expansive, modern church service is being held. The MINISTER stands at a podium reading from the bible. We see the text changing on the page. The Minister looks back at his bible. MINISTER Where were we? (beat) Ah yes... The disciple Bobby was asked by Jesus himself to tell his stories to the nation. He was known by his friends for being the, (adjusts glasses) Life of a party... and having the biggest cock in the land? The church members GASP. CUT BACK TO: INT. STUDY IN MARTHAS HOUSE Bobby finishes writing his sentence and laughs to himself. FADE TO BLACK: THE END