Adult practice: Part 1 Adult practice One year has passed since I became the abbot of Antaiji.

Until then I had not much to worry about except my own practice, but now my responsibilities chan ed: !ather than bein a trainin mon" under the uidance of a teacher, I now ha#e to offer uidance to the practioners and #isitors who participate in our life, apart from thin"in about my own practice. $his year, I met with about 1%& people who came to Antaiji to practice, had to confront their doubts and answer their 'uestions. I uess that I learned more from them then they from me. $his year is also the twentieth year of my own (a(en practice. I myself encountered many 'uestions durin these two decades, and doubts and difficulties would sometimes pile up li"e walls in front of me. I can not recount how often I ot stuc" in my practice, but startin from this month I would li"e to reflect on my own experience and sufferin s, tryin to ma"e clear to myself and others what practicin the buddha way means in the first place. )hen I say this, it mi ht seem as if I was tal"in about somethin terribly difficult. $hat, of course, is not the case. Actually there is nothin as easy as (a(en or practicin the buddha way: *)hat is (a(en, what is practice+* *,ust sittin , just doin .* *)hat for+* *-or nothin . ,ust do it. Practice the dharma for the sa"e of the dharma. $here is no oal to reach, nothin to lon for and nothin to attain. ,ust follow life in this one sin le instant, ri ht here, ri ht now . the life that you are presently li#in . /e one with reality, that is all.* $he theory is really simple. $he only problem is that theory alone will not help us to be content with our practice. Althou h practice of the buddha way is supposed to be the easiest thin in the world, I thin" it is a fact that we are ne#er 'uite content with our practice. )hy+ Also, e#en thou h we "now that we should not lon for anythin , not try to reach a oal or ma"e an attainment . do we not all start out with our practice exactly because we 0O want to reach a oal, ma"e attainments and so forth+ If we had nothin to lon for, we would ne#er ha#e started to practice in the first place. Or who would cross an ocean and climb a mountain to reach Antaiji to *just sit*+ People come because they ha#e a oal, and they hope that their practice will ma"e them reach that oal, so they i#e their best in their efforts to achie#e what they thin" is the buddha way. $his is only natural, but it is mista"en from the start. $herefore, it is also natural that people et stuc" in their ptactice and can not reach their oals e#en after years of whole.hearted practice. 1ettin stuc" is not the problem . either way, you will et stuc" somehow sooner or later. $he problem is what you do when you et stuc". $his is what I call the problem of *adult practice*. )e will not et any further with our childish attitudes. One of my senior dharma brothers says that to try to *just sit* without any method or techni'ue was li"e *a "inder arten "id tryin to study at uni#ersity.* $his reminded me of a 'uote by 2amada 3umon !oshi. $he followin are not his exact words, I 'uote from memory:

*$here are many "inds of reli ion. 4ome new cults are li"e a "inder arten of reli ion, while those reli ions that tell us that there will be a ood reward for a ood deed and a punishment for a bad one are elementary school. 3ahayana buddhism is the uni#ersity of reli ion, and (en should be called the raduate school.* 3y late teacher, 3iyaura 4hinyu !oshi, went e#en further to say: *Antaiji is no school. $his is an adult san ha5* -or children, "inder arten and elementary school are necessary. $hey ha#e nothin to learn at a uni#ersity. 2ou ha#e to be mature, an adult, to climb walls of doubts and difficulties that you will encounter in your practice. )hat is the exact difference between childish practice and adult practice+ 4imply put, the 'uestion is if you are able to wipe your own ass are not. 6ids want to be carried around by *bi people*. An adult has to wal" on his own feet, face the difficulties of his own life, sol#e his own doubts. 3ore about this next month. Adult practice: Part 7 )hat do you *practice*+ 8et me continue with my reflections on *adult practice*. It will probably cost me a couple of months or more to complete this series, but I would be honoured if you joined me for a while. I would li"e to be in this time with the head of the *1uide to Antaiji*, a boo"let that we i#e to all the #isitors here, and that is also part of this homepa e: *)hy do you come here+ Antaiji is a temple de#oted to 9en practice as a natural expression of life. 9a(en and wor" are not simply practiced as one part of life, rather all 7: hours of your daily life itself are to be the manifestation of 9en. Antaiji has no other special practices, teachin s, meditation techni'ues, insi hts or spiritual uidance to offer you. ;or is it a place to et in touch with the mystery of the <ast, ha#e occult experiences or just ha#e a taste of ,apanese culture. $his is a place where you can create your own life as bodhisatt#a practice. Althou h you are expected to li#e harmoniously with the other practioners at Antaiji, the responsibility for your practice lies solely on yourself. $here is no one to li#e your life for you. ;obody will wipe your ass for you. )hat is most important is not to use the buddha way for your own purposes, but rather to i#e up your own ideas and throw yourself completely into the practice of the way. -or this, you should be clear about the basis of your practice and the moti#e that brin s you here. If you expect anythin other from your stay than what life at this precise moment has to offer you, you will in#ariably be disappointed. 3a"e sure you "now why you want to come here . do not fool yourself or others.* I wrote this ten years a o, as a uide for forei ners who want to practice at Antaiji. At that time I was 7% and an exchan e student at 6yoto Uni#ersity, #isitin Antaiji to participate at the monthly sesshins. It was before I was ordained as a mon". $he abbot, who later was to become my master, as"ed me to write a little uide boo" for forei n #isitors in <n lish, which I ladly a reed to do. 8ater, after becomin a mon" at Antaiji, I translated it into ,apanese, and e#en now it is used here for both ,apanese and forei n #isitors.

)hat I wrote is pretty pretentious for someone who is not e#en a (en mon" himself. I had spent six months in Antaiji at the a e of 77, but at that time I was more a li"e a *spectator* of the (en life, understandin bodhisatt#a practice intellectually, without really "nowin the pain of actually puttin that practice into practice in daily life, =>% days a year . on a life time basis. After becomin a mon" at Antaiji, I fortunately had the opportunity to jump o#er the ap between ideal and reality when I had to put into practice what I only wrote about formerly. Anyway, what made me write the abo#e passa e as an exchan e student+ $he most important reason, I thin", was that I reali(ed that durin the first ten years of my (a(en ?to which I was introduced when I was 1>@, my practice had been directed totally wron . I had been loo"in for some "ind of <astern wisdom, or rather a "ind of wisdom that transcends east and west and defies ordinary lo ic. People call it enli htenment or satori or the true self or the meanin of life. 4ee"ers of truth ha#e been loo"in for it for a es. I, too, thou ht I was loo"in for it, but the more I tried to et a rip on it, the further it seemed to mo#e away from me. I had to ma"e my way to the other side of the planet ?how could you possibly find the absolute truth in a place li"e 1ermany+5@, without e#er reali(in that in each sin le moment of the present, life was already reali(in itself. $ruth was manifest all the time, I just ne#er cared to ta"e notice, because I was loo"in the other way, for thin s I supposed to be far away: 4atori, wisdom, etcetera. $he first time I had a #a ue idea that my efforts were directed wron ly was durin that > months stay at Antaiji, when I was 77. I felt that I had found the place where to become a mon", althou h I still thou ht that I should finish my uni#ersity studies before I enter the buddha way. At Antaiji, I found a monastery in a almost perfect location, with a master I could trust and a couple of senior mon"s whom I could respect too. On the other hand, there were also those mon"s which made me wonder why they had come to Antaiji in the first place . what were they *practicin * here+ $hey seemed to do nothin but sleep and eat and bully their juniors... $hin"in bac" about it now, this was probably just another projection of my own immature mind. Adult practice: Part = 2our problem )hat is this *adult practice* business all about+ -irst of all, adult practice means to wipe oneAs own ass. )ho wants to practice+ IsnAt it oursel#es who ma"e the decision to come to a place li"e Antaiji+ If that is so, we ha#e to climb by oursel#es o#er all those mountain ran es of doubts and difficulties, which we will run into sooner or later. Of course we need a uide on our journey, especially to warn us a ainst the pitfalls of our own e o, but isnAt it stran e to expect our teacher to ta"e care of all the aspects of our practice+ $he student.teacher relationship is different from that of a baby feedin on its motherAs breast. )hat made me start to write this *adult practice* series was an e.mail I recei#ed, the subject bein *just for your reference*. It contained the words of my older dharma brother, whom I 'uoted two months a o: *A "inder arten "id tryin to study at uni#ersity.* )hat he says about his practice here at Antaiji is #ery typical of the doubts all of us will experience sooner or later, so I want to ta"e the time to 'uote him in more detail:

*I recei#ed instruction in the tradition of 4awa"i 6odo !oshi. )hat I was told was to just shut up and sit. $hin s li"e concentratin on the breath or countin the breath are forbidden there, that is why the demons of sleep o#ercame me, or I was usurped by random thou hts, and e#en thou h I was able to calm down my mind at some times, after the sesshin is o#er e#ery thin would be the same a ain. )ell, I told my self, maybe thatAs just how it is ...* *It is a bi difference to understand 0o en 9enjiAs -u"an(a(en i as a practical instruction to be used in oneAs actual daily life, rather than some lofty theory with no relation to oneAs practice. If you ha#e no special means to ma"e you reali(e this point clearly, you will ne#er et a rip on your mind. 2ou will be li"e a "inder arten "id tryin to study at uni#ersity.* *In fact all my friends, those who practiced with me at the same time at Antaiji, finally left for places li"e B $emple or / $emple, some e#en went as far as America, and in the end no one stayed. $hat has nothin to do with the people, it is because they could not et a firm faith in practice there. 3y teacher still li#es in Antaiji, so I #isit him from time to time, but still, also when I discuss with my older dharma brothers, we are always as"in oursel#es why we could not et a firm faith in (a(en. $hat is includin myself. 4o I started to worry how many years would pass in this way . how much time is bein wasted5 $his is also true for the whole of the 4oto school. If your practice is lac"in a firm focus point, it is not possible to *just sit*. If you are attached to form without bein present in this moment, there is no meanin at all. )ell, only now that I ha#e understood myself I can say this. $he reason why I could et no firm faith in (a(en, and that I was not able to practice for such a lon time, is because this was not pointed out clearly to me . there was no uidance5* *$he problem is that we do not "now exactly what just sittin ?shi"anta(a@ is. I thin" the most important help to let us "now is our master.* *I went to 4 0ojo for C days and recei#ed instruction from the !oshi. $o sum it all up: in only one wee" I was able experience clearly what 0o en calls in the -u"an(a(en i *the manifestation of the true dharma, the stoppin of delusion and drowsiness*. )ithout a doubt I wa"e up to it5 It was so different from anythin until then, so fresh and mo#in 5 4o I as"ed myself deeply: why is this so diffferent, what ma"es it different from the practice I ha#e done until now+ $he answer was simple: I was not one with myself in each sin le moment until then. $he problem was that I had not reali(ed how important the present moment is. ,ust doin (a(en, just eatin , what does this *just* mean in the first place+ $o et a rip on this *just*, you ha#e to be clear about each sin le moment. 4o I thin" my basic problem was that nobody tau ht me a concrete means how to do this. I had ne#er heard about *this one breath*. I am really happy that now I "now5 *,ust*, in other words, means this sin le moment, state before your mind sets in. I thin" it was really ood for my practice and my life in eneral that now I understood this clearly. 3y problem now is just to continue with this. $hat is what I ha#e to do now, and that will be the content of my e#ery day (a(en from now on. I will be careful that there are no impurities in any of my actions, I will be polishin my mind and *just doin * thin s. $his is all, apart from this there is nothin to practice. I belie#e that I ha#e reached the end, and will just continue with practice.* )ithout reflectin on his own responsibilty for his practice, my dharma brother oes on to criti(e the place where he was ta"in care of for so many years, and the teacher who went to so many pains tryin to open his firmly shut eyes. 4till, I am happy to hear that he has found

his spiritual "inder arten finally and that his mind is at ease. As I said, he is not the only one who has these doubts . we all ha#e them: *)hy is my mind not a ease when I do (a(en+* *)hy do I ha#e to bear this pain+ And once the pain subsides, I am either dreamin or sleepin 5* *After all this time, how come that I still do not understand what shianta(a is+ )hy doesnAt somebody i#e me firm faith+* *IsnAt this practice all form and ritual, with no meanin or content+* *)hy canAt I seem to et some piece of clear uidance5+* *And this so called teacher here, isnAt he sleepin durin (a(en too+* *Bow many years do I ha#e to spent li"e this+ IsnAt it just a waste of time+* As lon as we thin" li"e this, we are really wastin our time. $he fast ones amon us feel these doubts on the first day of sesshin and find themsel#es sittin on the next bus. Others wa"e up to the ob#ious fact that practice does not et us where we want only after se#en or ei ht years. $hey then blame it on others, et an ry and lea#e. /ut those who do not lea#e but stay on will feel these doubts e#en more intensely . they o on to actually wor" and li#e with them. $he problem becomes part of their practice, and they learn to deal with it as *their* problem. If you deal with your problem in a mature way, as an adult in the true sense, you will sooner or later become able to hear what your teachers is really teachin you, wa"e up to the uidance you did not see before. Only an adult can hear the teachin of the patriarchs, not as some lofty theory, but as instruction for e#eryday life. )hen you do not see that the problem itself, *your problem*, is exactly your practice, you will indeed be li"e *a "inder arten "id tryin to study at uni#ersity*. 2ou are wastin your time. $he sutras tell us that *time passes swiftly li"e an arrow in the air . do not spent your whole life in #ain . life and death are a reat matter, impermance is swift . etcetera etcetera*. 4ince old times, many of us read these sutras aloud, ne#er e#en once ha#in the thou ht that the words mi ht be about our own practice. )e end up searchin for the solution of our practice somewhere else, we ne#er reali(e it is in our own practice. Of course that is true for myself too. $oo lon were those years of doubts that almost tore my breast into parts. And I donAt mean to say that now I finally li#e in peace and joy, without any problems at all. If I donAt ta"e care, I will end up tellin myself: *)ell, maybe thatAs just how practice is ...* ;eedless to say, practice is ne#er *li"e this* or *li"e that*. )e ne#er et a rip on it, because it is our #ery life in this precise moment. ;ow, rather than 'uestionin (a(en from my own practice, I reali(e that it is (a(en itself that is 'uestionin me in each sin le moment. )hen you reali(e that it is your own practice that puts you into 'uestion, and not the other way around, you ha#e to raduate from your spiritual "inder arten. 2ou ha#e become an adult practioner. It is for adults that words li"e *(a(en is the true form of yourself* or *the true teacher is (a(en* were spo"en. I want to continue to explore the adult world of practice in this series for another couple of months. $he topics I will deal with will include: )hat is the real meanin of the word *adult* that I so fre'uently use+ Bow can we deal with sleepiness or random thou hts as our own problem, as part of our own practice+ And how about pain, di((iness, boredom, desires and attachments, an er, re ret, all "inds of delusions, emotions and i norance+ Bow to adjust our body, breath and mind+ Bow to practice not only (a(en, but also all of the other aspects of life+ $he pitfalls of practice. 8oo"in upon (a(en from the outside. /lamin our lowsy practice on others.

)hy I came here and how I experienced the difficulties of practice. $he teachin of my late master, 3iyaura 4hinyu !oshi. $o be continued next month. Adult practice: Part : *$rainin * and *practice* 4o what exactly do I mean with the expression *adult practice*+ /efore I reflect about the meanin of the word *adult*, I would li"e to say somethin about *practice*. In ,apanese, the word is *shu yo*, which can be written in two different ways with different characters ?which are also pronounced sli htly different@, and e#en many ,apanese seem not to "now the difference between the two. *4hu yo* in ,apanese can both mean reli ious practice ?when it is written with a character meanin * oin *, *doin *, *action*@ . manifestin faith or truth in the actions of oneAs daily life, and at the same time *trainin *, li"e the trainin for a profession for example ?in this case the word is written with a character meanin *"arma* or *techni'ue*@. It oes without sayin that the two are completely different. $he <n lish word *practice* can also mean somethin li"e *trainin *, as for example in *baseball practice*. /ut when I use the word as *adult practice*, or when I tal" about *(en practice*, *practice of the buddha way* etc, I mean *puttin somethin into practice*, *manifestin somethin by actually doin it*. Unfortunately, many people seem to understand *(en practice* as *(en trainin * . trainin to become somethin , trainin to become proficient at somethin . $his is true for the so called *(en trainin monasteries* in ,apan too. $here, people learn how to wear their buddhist robes properly, bow and prostrate in the ri ht way, chant the sutras, etc. $hey are trainin to become buddhist priests. $hey are certainly not practicin buddhism. -or them, buddhism is a profession, not a #ocation, but it should o without sayin that learnin how to ma"e money by performin funeral ser#ices has nothin to do what the /uddha tau ht 7%&& years a o . how to li#e our lifes5 At Antaiji, we do not train to become buddhist priests. )e practice buddhism, which means to li#e our daily lifes as buddhas and bodhisatt#as. $his does not mean, thou h, that we practice to become buddhas and bodhisatt#as. )e try to manifest buddhas and bodhisatt#as . our ori inal nature . in all of the actions of our daily lifes, here and now. 4ometimes, buddhist practice is understood differently: )e are deluded bein s now, but practicin for countless "alpas as bodhisatt#as, we will e#entually refine oursel#es and finally become buddhas. A deluded bein trains to become somethin *better* . a bodhisatt#a. A bodhisatt#a trains to become somethin e#en *better* . a buddha. In (en, we do not call this "ind of trainin *practice*. $rainin to become somethin better is in itself delusion. <ndless "alpas of this "ind of trainin wonAt ma"e us better, we will only sin" deeper into delusion. )hat we call practice in (en means to stop tryin to become somethin , but rather allowin oursel#es to be what we ori inally are . buddhas and bodhisatt#as. -or this, we ha#e to surrender to the force that transcends our small human e os . the e os that continually say *I want to become better, I want to become buddha*. )hy is it possible to surrender and practice+ It is because we already A!< buddhas, not after surrenderin , but already now. $hen, why is it so difficult to surrender and practice+ /ecause it does not satisfy our human e os. Practice does not satisfy us. It is not entertainin at all5 /ut then, what did we expect+ Bow

could practice of the buddha dharma be entertainin for our small human minds+ ;othin could be less satisfactory and entertainin than the practice of somethin that does not enlar en our e os. <#en when we say that we want to become buddhas or li#e as bodhisatt#as, donAt we do so from the stand point of our e os . thin"in : *I want to become a buddha, I want to ha#e satori5* $hus, buddhas and bodhisatt#as only become an extension of our e o mind . and that is why we are disappointed, because buddhas and bodhisatt#as will ne#er re#eal themsel#es in that realm of our e o minds. $he lifeAs of buddhas and bodhisatt#as are our life, only when we transcend our e o. 3a"in a hu e *e o effort* will not ma"e us a buddha. $hat is what ma"es buddhism difficult for us. /ut then, buddhism says that we already A!< buddha in the first place. /ut we are also human bein s, deluded by our e os. -irst, we need to wa"e up and see clearly that we are deluded by our e os. 4eein this alone is *bi satori*. $hat we are able to reali(e the fact that we are deluded by our e o is already a proof that we actually are buddhas . otherwise we could not ha#e that reali(ation. /ut it is not enou h to just reali(e that we are deluded. )e also ha#e to proceed and put into practice what is most dissatisfyin for our e os. )e are both deluded and buddha, but if we should stop short at sayin *we are just ordinary human bein s*, we will manifest only half of our bein . It is such *half human bein s* that surf the internet or watch t# shows, always loo"in for a site or channel that will satisfy them, i#e them some entertainment. $he latest news about the show bu(iness, politics, sports, women . so called *adult entertainment*. )e thin" we are bein entertained, but in reality we are just escapin from oursel#es . escapin from the realities of our lifes. Only when we switch off the t#, switch off the computer, we will reali(e how empty our lifes are . just as empty as the screen. And we wa"e up to the dissatisfactoriness of that life. $his is an important reali(ation. $his is where real practice starts. $his practice is different from tryin to satisfy our bored minds. It is different from tryin to et *satori* or peace of mind or what so e#er. $hat is why it is so difficult for us . as lon as we can not stop our childish mind from whinin : *I want candy, I want toys, I want to ha#e satori5* $hat is why I call this practice *adult practice*. It means to stop loo"in around for fun and satisfaction just li"e a do searches for a bone. *Adult practice* means to manifest buddha, to li#e as a bodhisatt#a. *Practice* means *to li#e*, *to manifest*, while an *adult* is a buddha and bodhisatt#a. 3ore about this next time. Adult practice: Part % $oo much is not enou h+5 *2ou donAt ha#e to beha#e li"e a baby too5* 3y dau hter 3e umi was born in ,une, and since then I heard this remar" 'uite a number of times from my wife. )hen a baby is born, sometimes its older siblin s start to beha#e in a baby.li"e way to attract their motherAs attention, which is directed towards the newborn. $his starts to be a problem when the father, who should rather care for the baby himself too, is the one who becomes infantile and pretends to be a baby. It is especially a problem, when the father writes about *adult practice* e#ery month in the shit paper. 0oes he try to pretend to be an adult, just to hide the fact that he really is just a baby himself+ 3aybe it is because he himself is still a baby that the infantile people around him bother him so much+ Anyway, *adult practice* has to start with reflectin on oursel#es, it seems. 8ast month I was tal"in about *trainin * and *practice* and came to the conclusion that *adult practice* means to li#e as a buddha and bodhisatt#a . *practice* meanin *to li#e* while an *adult* is a *buddha and bodhisatt#a*. In ,apanese, the word *adult* is written with

two Dhinese characters which literally translate as a * reat person*. Usually they are pronounced *otona* in ,apanese, but as a /uddhist technical term they are read *dainin*. *0ainin* in fact happens to be a translation of the 4ans"rit *mahasatt#a*, which means nothin other than a *buddha and bodhisatt#a*. In most countries, you are considered an adult when you turn 1C or 7& or 71, but how many of us can claim to be true adults, that means mahasatt#as, just because we ha#e reached that a e+ <#en thou h we claim to practice what we call the *buddha way*, too often we are only adults by a e, while our practice is as childish as e#er. 4o, what does it mean to be a true adult+ In the *<i ht awarenesses of true adults* fascicle of the 4hobo en(o, 0o en 9enji lists ei ht characteristics of a true adult. $he first two are *small desire* and *"nowin that one has enou h*. )hen I was practicin as a mon" in a !in(ai temple in 6yoto, one day our roup could just not seem to et enou h money on our daily be in round, so we wound up be in until we reali(ed that we would not ma"e it bac" to the temple in time for lunch. /ein late is not an option in !in(ai 9en, so we had to use our money to hitch a ride in a taxi. $he first 'uestion the dri#er as"ed was: *Ba#e you ne#er heard of the first two characteristics of a true adult+* *Of what+5*, the leader of our roup replied. *I mean the truth that you will always ha#e enou h if you donAt desire more than life at this precise moment has to offer to you. $he more you try to et, the more you will suffer.* . In 6yoto taxidri#ers usually "now more about /uddhism then 9en mon"s, who train there to et licences as *full fled ed 9en priests*. *2ou tal" to much*, was all our leader could say. It seems he was no match for that dri#er. /ut really, it is easy to say that *you will always ha#e enou h if you donAt desire more than life at this precise moment has to offer to you.* It is not so easy to reali(e and mainfest it in oneAs life, thou h. )e ne#er seem to et the satisfaction we are loo"in for. )e canAt ne#er et what we want, and we canAt e#en really et what we need, or at least that is how it seems to us. Or isnAt *satisfaction* the absolute minimum that we expect from life+ $his, a ain, puts us in line with that bi child that still wants *candy, toys and satori*, we cry for happiness and satisfaction just li"e a baby cries for mil". 9a(en at Antaiji is ood for nothin . 2ou do not ain spiritually, and you do not et any poc"et money either. 2ou end up loosin . loosin ideas and ideolo ies, and you e#en end up spendin your money buyin thin s for the temple. As an unsui ?mon" practicin under the uidance of a master@, I was not really worried about this. I was con#inced that 9en practice is about loosin rather than ainin , and who would e#er expect to et paid for 9a(en+ /e in durin the winter brea" would usually yield enou h money to pay for the health insurance ?about 1%& dollars a year@ that co#ers E&F of hospital bills, althou h not enou h money to pay for social security ?about 17& dollars per month@ without which you will ha#e no support durin old a e. /ut isnAt po#erty a matter of course for a 9en mon", and how could we worry about our old a e, when we should practice as if we had to die today+ ;ow, as the abbot of Antaiji, I still find myself without a personal income, and my perspecti#e has chan ed: I ha#e to ta"e responisibilty for my wife and baby now. Bow am I supposed to pro#ide for them+ As an unsui, I could ta"e time off durin the winter to be , now someone has to ta"e care of the temple . which lea#es almost no time for personal be in . As an unsui, a tooth brush and some underwear would be enou h possesions, now a rowin child demands more expenditures. )hat will happen when she starts to o to school+ )hat about colle e+ )hat happens when I die+

If I thin" about life in this way, it will be impossible for me to reali(e that I ha#e enou h with what life offers to me at this precise moment. <#en if someone a#e me a million dollars, I would still be worried about the future, about inflation, about thie#es... I would ne#er ha#e enou h. Bow childish5 I ha#e to remember what I am here for: Adult practice. I made the decision to become a mon" and practice at Antaiji, I a reed to become abbot, and I also married and had a baby out of my own will. )hat could I possibly complain about+ <#en without money, I and e#eryone in Antaiji ha#e air to breath, water to drin", and whate#er #e etables to eat that row in the arden. <#en thou h the har#est is poor this year, I ne#er heard of anyone star#in to death here. 0o en 9enji says that you ha#e to be poor to practice the way. )hat better life than this could I be wishin for then+ Po#erty of course does not mean only few material possesions. -irst of all, it means purity of mind. 4awa"i !oshi says: *If the lass of water in your mind is completely full, it will flow o#er when you recei#e more. 2ou ha#e to empty that lass of water . that means to throw away your personal ideas and e o attachments. Only thus can you de#elop an attitude that allows you to listen to and accept e#erythin that your true teacher offers to you.* Adult practice starts with lettin o off our e os. )ithout this attitude, we will ne#er et what we want, because we can not listen, we can not accept the teachin , we see no instruction, we de#elop no faith in (a(en, and after a couple of years of *practice* we will finally reali(e that we are just wastin our time . blamin it on others or on (a(en, without seein that it is the * lasses of water* in our own minds that are o#erflowin with e o.centered ideas. *$oo much* is the reason for our ne#er ettin enou h. $o find real adult satisfaction, we do not need more . we ha#e to lose more, let o off oursel#es. 3aybe you ha#e enou h already, still I would li"e to continue to explore the world of an adult for a little bit more next month. Adult practice: Part > 4till somethin missin + 8ast month I explained about *adult practice* usin the first two of the *ei ht awarenesses of true adults*, that is *small desire* and *"nowin that one has enou h*. I said somethin to the effect that bein an adult means to reali(e that what life offers you in this precise moment is already enou h, and that there is no need at all for you to loo" for somethin better in some other place. $he more you desire, the more you will feel that somethin is missin , which will cause you to suffer. 4o an adult just stops desirin more than what life has to offer ri ht here and now. ;ow, this mi ht sound nice, but donAt you thin" that this is only empty theory, without any relation to the reality in which we actually li#e in+ If in fact it was only empty theory, you should better stop readin this *shit paper* ri ht now, and I should stop wastin my time writin it. /ut of course I am tryin not to tal" mere theory, but rather throw some li ht on what I call *adult practice*. *Practice* is daily life, and ne#er *theory*, althou h *theory* can sometimes help us to become more clear about *practice*. )e ha#e to be careful not to stop short at theori(in about *practice*, but actually put the *practice* into practice, reali(e and manifest it in our li#es. Otherwise our *practice* really is no more than empty theory. 4o, why is it that concepts li"e *small desire* and *"nowin that one has enou h*, *reali(in

that one has enou h if one stops desirin more than what life offers to us in this precise moment* sound li"e empty theory to us+ IsnAt it because deep inside oursel#es we feel that *somethin is still missin * e#en thou h we mi ht understand intellectually that the reality of our li#es is fine as it is+ I thin" e#en after years of practicin /uddhism we still ha#e this feelin of *somethin missin *. )e still want somethin better, a little bit more candy, happiness and enli htenment. 4o rather than bein content with what life has to offer to us ri ht now, if we are honest with oursel#es, we mi ht reali(e that we ne#er ha#e enou h with what we ha#e and always desire more, e#en if we donAt e#en really "now what we are missin exactly in the first place. )hy is that+ 4awa"i 6odo !oshi says: *4omethin is missin in (a(en+ )hat is missin + It is not on the side of (a(en that somethin is missin , it is just the deluded human bein sittin in (a(en that thin"s Asomethin As missin A5* *4omethin missin . just sit (a(en. 4omethin missin . practice (a(en with your body. 4omethin missin . manifest (a(en with your body.* 4till, why is there somethin missin + If *adult practice* really means to stop desirin more than life has to offer to us ri ht now, how could we possibly thin" that somethin is still missin + At least durin (a(en, we should feel that there is really nothin missin , that we are ha#in all we need5+ 4awa"i !oshi i#es the answer when he says that *it is just the deluded human bein sittin in (a(en that thin"s Asomethin As missin A5* $here is nothin wron with the (a(en we practice. It is only our deluded thou hts accompanyin this practice which try to con#ince us that *somethin is still missin *. 4o for all of us who are deluded human bein s, there is always somethin missin . It is just natural. On the other hand, we must not for et that at the same time we are human bein s, we are also buddha. /ein buddha means to be connected to that absolute reality in which their is no way for anythin to be missin e#er. <#en when we thin" that we are still missin somethin , a part of us perfectly reali(es that we could not possibly desire more than what we ha#e. )e are at the same time deluded human bein s and buddhas, both infantile and adult. I thin" that all of us possess this almost schi(ophrenic double structure in our minds, and I do not thin" that it is possible to discard of one side of oursel#es in fa#or of the other. $he problem then for a true adult is how these two sides of the one self relate to each other. 0o you want to li#e your life lettin yourself be led around by that infantile part of you that always claims that somethin is still missin + A true adult would rather sit stably in this reality where *somethin is still missin *, manifestin (a(en with his body e#en thou h his thou hts desire *somethin more*. 4awa"i !oshi also said: *9a(en means to sit firmly while somethin is missin .* $here is a famous 9en "oan, usually referred to in ,apan as the *"oan of character 3u*. It is about a mon" as"in a master: *Bow about this do . Bas he buddha nature or not ?mu@+* $he master answers: *3u ?not@5* $he word *"oan* literally means a *public case*, usually an exchan e between a teacher and a student, or some other sayin or doin by a (en master that later ser#ed as a model expression of truth. In modern years thou h, the word *"oan* started to be used to refer to a sin le 'uestion out of a curriculum for (en students to be *passed* durin the trainin under a "oan teacher. $he student will enter the *do"usan room* to meet one to one with the teacher. -irst he will announce his "oan, then the teacher will as" him for his answer. $he student has already prepared some statement or action to express his understandin . If the teacher appro#es of his understandin , the student will *proceed* to the *next "oan*, if the teacher

does not appro#e the student has to *try a ain* next time. In the case of the *"oan of character 3u*, the student will usually ha#e a ood chance to *pass* if he just bellows *3oooooooh5* in a deep #oice from the depth of his hara, to demonstrate that he has *become one with 3u*. It is worthwhile to notice that the "oan is called the *"oan of character 3u* in ,apan, not *3u "oan*. It is all about becomin the character *3u*, not about becomin some"ind of *absolute nothin ness* or *far.eastern #oid* that certain philosophers thou ht *3u* was all about. As a modern "oan, *3u* has no other meanin than *3ooooooooh5* Other "oans re'uire that the student slaps the teacher or pretends to be pissin at him. Answers to "oans can be in fact as innocent and amusin as the play of "ids in "inder arten. ;ot exactly what you would call *adult practice*, but then "oans are used as a means to an end in certain (en traditions, not as an end in itself. As means to an end, I thin" that "oans ser#e well to free us out of the prisons of our too many thou hts in our minds. 4till, this liberation from thou hts ta"es place throu h an artificial infantili(ation of oursel#es, a return to a baby li"e state . in (en this is called *becomin a complete idiot*. In some traditions, *becomin a complete idiot* is considered a necessary first step for (en practice. /ut now I do not want to proceed to discuss the stren hts and wea"nesses of *"oan (en*. I would rather li"e to concentrate on some deeper aspects in the *"oan of the character 3u*. )hen the mon" as"s, *Bow about this do . Bas he buddha nature or not+*, he is not just tal"in about some random do . )hen he says *do *, he is reflectin on that side of himself that can be expressed most accuredly as *do *. /uddhism teaches that we are all buddhas, but can you really call this do of a self a buddha+ $he master answer was not *3ooooooh5* but a plain *no5*. $here is a clear difference between a deluded human bein and a buddha. As deluded human bein s, we are far from bein *buddhas as we are*. $he "oan continues with the mon"As 'uestion: *If, as /uddhism teaches, e#erythin has the buddha nature, how come that only this do , myself, has none+* $he master answers: */ecause of "armic nature*. As buddhas, we ha#e buddha nature, true, but as deluded bein s our nature is *"arma*, and li#in our li#es bein spinned around by "arma is different from li#in as a buddha. It is interestin that at a different time the same master answered the same 'uestions in the opposite way: $he mon" as"s, *Bow about this do . Bas he buddha nature or not+*, the master answers *yes, he has5*. <#en for a do li"e you or myself there is no way to escape out of that absolute reality called *buddha nature*. A deluded human bein is not the same as a buddha, but they also can not be seperated. A buddha transcends the human bein , but at the same time he encloses and embraces the human bein . $he mon" continued: *2ou say that this do has buddha nature, but why then does the pure buddha nature manifest in such an u ly state of existence+* )hen I loo" at myself honestly, I can see only desires, hate, delusion . how could any *buddha nature* possibly manifest here+ $he teacherAs answer is famous: *It is done deliberately5* A deluded bein is not more than a deluded bein . A buddha is nothin less than a buddha. A deluded bein and a buddha are not the same thin , but when a deluded human bein , in the midst of "arma and delusion, ta"es refu e to #ows and li#es a life of practice, the "armic. nature bein turns into a #ow.nature bein , and a buddha and bodhisatt#a, a true adult manifests deliberately. A bodhisatt#a or adult is a deluded bein li#in by #ows. /uddha and human bein can ne#er be seperated, althou h they are not one either. $o li#e by #ows, to li#e as a responsible adult, and to li#e by "arma, as a bi baby, are two completely different ways to li#e our li#es. An adult *deliberately* chooses to use this "armic human existence to li#e for the buddha way. I am deluded, and I am buddha. I am a bi baby, and I am a true adult at the same time. $he

'uestion is how these two *mysel#es* relate to each other. ,ust as a lo#in mother pulls the whinin child by the hand, the adult me uides the infantile me by lettin it follow the ra#ity force of (a(en. $here is no use in ettin all neurotic tryin to *educate* myself by myself, as some youn mother mi ht et when her baby wonAt stop cryin . )hen the parent naturally lo#es the child, and the child naturally follows the parent, it becomes ob#ious how the deluded "armic bein , the *do me*, is at the same time connected to the adult buddha and bodhisatt#a, li#in by #ows. *9a(en means to sit firmly while somethin is missin .* */ein stared into the eye by (a(en, bein scolded by (a(en, bein obstructed by (a(en, bein dra ed around by (a(en this way and the other, cryin all the time . isnAt this the most happy way of life we could thin" of+* Only with the firm and stable resolution of an adult can we ha#e a taste of this *happiness*. 4adly, it does not exist for mentally three year olds. In myself, the firm and stable adult, and the three year old for whom there is always somethin missin , exist parallely. /ut this double structure is not just a form of schi(ophrenia or self.contradiction. If we practice in a mature way, we can et a reat force for our practice just because of this inner structure of oursel#es. In the 1enjo"oan, 0o en 9enji says: *)hen the dharma does not yet fill body.and.mind, you thin" there is already enou h dharma. )hen the dharma does fill body.and.mind, you will reali(e that one side is still missin .* )hen it comes to practice of the dharma, to thin" that we already ha#e enou h is childish. Bere it is the adult who reali(es that *somethin is still missin *. )hen we are content with our (a(en, it is a sure si n that somethin is wron with our (a(en. Dontrariwise, it is when we truely practice (a(en that we reali(e that one side is still missin . ;othin is missin on the side of (a(en of course. /ut as human bein s, we still ha#e our defects, our childish sides, and the more mature our practice becomes, the clearer our awareness of this childishness and deludedness of ourself becomes. /ecause of this awareness, we continue to practice and commit oursel#es to the way, loo"in at oursel#es from different an les. Once we start to become content with our practice thou h, con ratulatin oursel#es on our attainments, we ha#e actually retarded to the state where we thin" we ha#e enou h of what we could not possibly e#er ha#e enou h of: 0harma. And it is only a 'uestion of time when we will start to whine and complain: *4omethin is still missin *. $he only thin missin is a mature, responsible approach to our own practice. -ollowin *small desire* and *"nowin that one has enou h*, there are six more awarenesses of a true adult: *<njoyin 'uietude ?not busyin oneself with irrele#ant matters@*, *3a"in an effort to practice ?ta"in responsibilty for oneAs own life@*, *;ot for ettin oneAs resolution ?why do I practice+@*, *Practicin samadhi ?manifestin (a(en with the body@*, *Practin wisdom ?puttin *adult practice* into actual practice@*, *;o superfluous tal"in ? raduatin from empty theory@*. !ather than explainin about the rest of these awarenesses, I would li"e to tal" about how I myself came to Antaiji for the first time, and what I experienced there. $o be continued. Adult practice: Part E 3y )ay to Antaiji )hen I first came to Antaiji I was 77. I had been practicin (a(en in se#eral different dojos for > years, and when I did not attend a dojo, I was sittin daily by myself. 4till, sittin for an

hour or two daily was not enou h for me, practicin in a dojo seemed more li"e a hobby than a way of life. I was 1> when I encountered (a(en, and at a e 1E I was pretty sure that this is what I wanted to do for life. It seemed to be the thin that I always had been loo"in for, without e#en "nowin the dimension of space in which I mi ht find it. Anyway, my ori inal plan was to o to ,apan and become a mon" ri ht after hi h school. )hy o to uni#ersity to study what seemed borin anyway+ I used to be fascinated with mathematics and physics until then, but how do those subjects really relate to my own life+ If anythin made sense, it had to be 9en. <#erybody tried to tal" me out of it, but nobody could really con#ince me until the teacher who had ori inally introduced me to the practice of (a(en recommended that I wait a little, study ,apanese, and 'ualify myself for a job to ma"e a li#in when I come bac" to 1ermany. I had ne#er really thou ht about ma"in a li#in until then, but I was warned that there were too many cases of people who ended up li#in in 9en monasteries for life, just because they had no other choice. $hey could not return to social life, because they would not be able to ma"e a li#in there. I could not ima ine that such a thin could be possible: )erenAt those 9en mon"s some "ind of super.human bein s, who understood e#erythin + ;othin should be impossible for someone who has mastered 9en . so why worry now about ettin a job+ Anyway, I decided to study ,apanese before I was oin to become a mon" in ,apan. As it happened to be a fashion at the time to thin" that elemantary particles as well as alaxies and the uni#erse at a whole obey to the same laws that 4ha"yamuni or 8ao.tse tau ht, I decided to also ta"e up philosophy and physics at uni#ersity. <#entually I would not only become a 9en master, but also win the ;obel pri(e, I thou ht. After two and a half years thou h, I reali(ed that studyin elemantary particle physics alone is a life.time #ocation. 4o I stopped. In 1ermany there is no /.A., so you can not raduate from uni#ersity until you et your 3asterAs de ree. )hen I was 77, I could not wait any lon er to et closer to what I thou ht was *real 9en*, and I decided to ta"e one year off to study at 6yoto Uni#ersity. 0urin the first three months, I attend the wee"ly 9a(en meetin s at the 4oto 9en Denter in 6yoto, and the monthly sesshins in 4onobe, outside 6yoto. Uni#ersity life in ,apan proofed to be just as borin as in 1ermany, and 9en was not a reality in the daily life of 6yoto. It existed for tourists, but there were not e#en dojos that would function on a daily basis. 9en priests were business men with no interest in practice, and temples would be operated only as cementaries, not dojos for practice. After months at the uni#ersity, I e#en learned that my professor was a 4oto 9en priest . he certainly did not loo" li"e one, and at uni#ersity he tau ht 6ant. $he 4oto 9en Denter was my only refu e, and durin the summer I decided to spend two months in 4horinji, the sesshin temple in 4onobe. 0urin these two months of ,uli and Au ust I ot a first taste of *adult practice*. I had thou ht that people at the temple would ta"e me by the hand and teach me e#erythin . It started promisin when they put me in the "itchen on my first day, as an assitant to the coo". I was supposed to learn for the first wee" from the main coo", so that I could do the job on my own and be the coo" durin the second wee". I had ne#er coo"ed more sophisticated food than scrambled e s, so I was not 'uite sure if one wee" of assistin the coo" would be enou h time for me to learn the job, especially when the *main coo"* told me that he himself had arri#ed just a wee" a o from 4weden and that it was the first day for him bein responsible alone in the "itchen. $hree days later he decided that the climate was much to hot and humid for him and was one. 4o I became the *main coo"* for the rest of the ten days, after only three days of *trainin * under a stressed out 4wede. I as"ed the resident priest how

he could possibly expect me to be able to coo" for the san ha, "nowin absolutely nothin about the art. 4hould not someone competent teach me first+ Bis answer was: *$his is what 0o en 9enji calls Aself.reali(ed.samadhiA. 2ou ha#e to read the 4hobo en(o5* I had more lessons in *self.reali(ed.samadhi* durin Au ust, when /uddhist temples around ,apan et #ery bu(y with ceremonies for the ancestors of the parishioners of their temples. $he resident priest too was #ery bu(y helpin out at a bi temple in 6yoto, and for two wee"s he would come bac" late at ni ht to sleep at 4horinji, only to be bac" on his way to 6yoto early the next mornin . <#eryone else had ta"en off for their summer holidays, so I found myself followin the schedule all on my own. !unnin throu h the temple at %am with the wa"e up bell, althou h their was no one to wa"e up. 4ittin for two hours in (a(en, preparin brea"fast, cleanin , doin samu, heatin the bath and after dinner two hours of (a(en by my own. -or someone who went to a 9en temple to recei#e instruction in *9en*, an excellent teachin indeed. *4elf.reali(ed.samadhi*, or as I call it now: Adult practice. It was at my be in of my stay at 4horinji that I heard from a practioner called 1eor e about Antaiji. 1eor e had spent there two wee"s durin the sprin , and althou h he could not communicate with the all.,apanese mon"s, he said that the 7: hours of their daily li#es there were li#ed *in deep samadhi*. $he resident priest in 4horinji also proofed to be a mon" ori inally from Antaiji, and I ot exited about the possibility of ettin an introduction to Antaiji and see it with my #ery own eyes. <#erythin I heard about Antaiji sounded li"e the *real 9en* I was still dreamin about: 4elf.sufficiency, coo"in without as, no heat in winter except from a wood sto#e, two monthly sesshins. And abo#e all, only ,apanese mon"s5 I had enou h of all these )estern fa"e practioners, I needed to practice with some real ,apanese uys. -inally, I would et some real instruction in *9en*5 $hin"in about it now, I can not understand how come that I ne#er wo"e up to all the fa"e in my own mind+ Anyway, I ot my introduction to Antaiji, and I decided to stop my studies at 6yoto Uni#ersity to practice for six months at Antaiji. I arri#ed on 4eptember =&th of 1GG&, two wee"s after a typhoon had washed away the four "ilometer lon road that led up to the temple. 4ome of the mon"s seemed to be still in a "ind of shoc", but I couldnAt see why: IsnAt it a matter of course that a *real 9en monastery* lies remotely in the mountains, unaccesible for normal people, e#en without mail+ I was rather surprised that they had electricity and a telephone there . shouldnAt real 9en mon"s be able to do without+ 2ou can ima ine how much more surprised I was when the sesshin started the followin day: I had heard that Antaiji practiced *pure 9en* in the tradition of 0o en 9enji, shi"anta(a without any mixtures, sesshins without toys. )hat did I find+ $he meditation hall re#ibratin with mon"s snorin , some droppin bac"wards off their cushion, others ban in their heads in the wall5 ?to be continued@ Adult practice: Part C 2ou create Antaiji5 I still remember my first ni ht at Antaiji: Althou h the temple is located remotely in the mountains, I heard music constantly playin on the other side of the #alley. <#en in the city it was ne#er so noisy. I remember that durin the first ni ht I listened to ospel music, #oices shoutin *halleluya5* all ni ht lon . 3aybe there is a chapel on the top of the mountain, I thou ht. All the noise durin the ni ht mi ht ha#e been one of the reasons why e#erybody

was sleepin durin the (a(en hours the next day. Or not really e#erybody was sleepin all of the time, but at least three or four out of the fi#e ,apanese mon"s would always be sleepin . $o me this seemed #ery disappointin , ha#in come all the way from 1ermany to experience *real 9en* here. Bow can they possibly be sleepin durin (a(en+ In <urope, it is usual that a sesshin is attended by up to two or three hundred people, but you will rarely find anyone sleepin . 4o, was it a mista"e that I had come to Antaiji+ 3aybe I should ha#e continued to practice in some dojo in 1ermany+ $hin"in li"e this, I had already for otten the teachin that I had recei#ed the afternoon before from my teacher to be, the former abbot 3iyaura 4hinyu !oshi. It turned out to be one of the most important teachin s that he would i#e me durin his life time: *2ou create Antaiji5 It is not that Antaiji does already exist and you just join in. Antaiji is not more or less than the place you ma"e it.* I uess this is the first thin that he told e#eryone who came to Antaiji. 2ou create Antaiji. And I was already complain about what I found. /ut what I found was just the Antaiji I created . or rather the flip.side of all those lofty ideas I had had in my head: Of an incredibly enli htened teacher and accomplished mon"s who would help me with my practice and sol#e all the problems in life for me. It too" me 'uite some time to really see that it is me who creates all those problems, who creates Antaiji when it is ood as well as when it is bad, who creates all the lo#e and hate, all the war and peace in the world. $he 'uestion was not how my nei hbor could possibly sleep durin (a(en, but rather how I could possibly allow myself to be bothered by it. )asnAt it rather time to ta"e care of my own practice first+ After the sesshin was o#er I found out where all the noise durin the ni hts ?it was incredibly 'uiet durin the day@ had come from: $he rice had just been har#ested and was dryin at the far side of a former baseball round, that the mon"s had build when there were still enou h of them to enjoy the ame. )ild boars were comin down from the mountain e#ery ni ht to help themsel#es to the newly har#ested rice, and a full.blast radio posted there was supposed to scare them away. $he radio did not really scare away the boars, but it helped to "eep us awa"e durin the ni hts anyway. I reali(ed there were other reasons for the mon"s bein tired durin (a(en. $he two sesshin each month consist of three and fi#e days respecti#ely of (a(en startin at four in the mornin and continuin all day until nine at ni ht, with no interruptions except for the meals. ;aturally, I had thou ht, these two sesshin are what the practice at Antaiji is centered around. Bow could anythin be more se#ere than those marathon.sesshins+ I was to learn soon after the sesshin was o#er: <#en after the typhoon that had washed the road away had passed, hea#y rain continued to fall for about four wee"s that year. It washed away not only the road, but also a four acre rice field, unrooted hundreds of trees and filled the water dam, from which Antaiji ets its drin"in water, completely with dirt, roc"s and trees. )ater from the tap in 6yoto does not taste ood . as is the case in most ,apanese cities. 4o I was surprised on arri#in in Antaiji, that the water here had an e#en more distinct taste, and that it was flowin 'uite thic"ly out of the tap. Abo#e all, it was brown. )hen I saw the dam after sesshin, I "new the reason: )hat I had thou ht was water had been the mud that had been washed into the dam. Our tas" durin the next three days was to clear all of that mud, dirt, roc"s and trees out of the dam. $he mon"s were ea er to ha#e clean water flowin out of the tap a ain, and althou h it was rainin hea#y still, samu continued at a hi h pace until well after dar". 4esshin had been painful on the le s, but this was hell. After three days of samu, we had a *free day*. I thin" they were called *free days* because we had no (a(en on those days. Instead we would wal" down the four "ilometers which before used to be a road, then ride

bycicles to the fifteen "ilometer away town Bamasa"a to fetch the mail, buy soy sauce and oil for the "itchen, and asoline for the truc" and tractor and the sawin machines. All this had to be carried bac" in 7& liter cans, two of which each of us would carry on our bac"s. After the *free day*, samu would continue: -allen trees had to be cut and carried into the barn, where they would be chopped to yield fire in the "itchen or heat the bath. A pro#isiory wal" path had to be built down the mountain. $he rice had to be threshed. )or" in the #e etable arden was re arded a past time. <#en on days with hea#y rain, wor" inside was un"nown. And the sesshins in fact turned out to be our only holidays. Adult practice: Part G 0onAt care if I die... $he life that I found waitin for me at Antaiji was 'uite different from the *9en practice* that I had ima ined until then. 8ast month I wrote about my surprise to find the mon"s sleepin durin 9a(en, also about how hard the wor" was for me, and about a completely new attitude towards practice that I had ne#er thou ht about before: *2ou create Antaiji5* I want to reflect a little more about those first impressions I ot at Antaiji. )or" at Antaiji is said to be physically demandin , and I actually found it to be that way. $his is not because wor" is one part of practice and should therefore be as hard as possible, to push each one to his limits. ;o, we just do whate#er is necessary to support our li#es here, and that happened to be a lot more than I had ima ined when I had heard that Antaiji was *self.sufficient*. <specially durin that fall when I arri#ed, because of the typhoon that had washed away the road and rice fields and unrooted hundreds of trees. At a e 77 I had ne#er lifted up anythin hea#ier than a #olume of the *4hobo en(o*, and I also could not tell a #e etable from a weed in the arden. $hree days of carryin roc"s and fallen trees in the hea#y autumn rain had already brou ht me to my limits. $he head mon" as"ed me durin a brea": *Are all of you 1erman A9en practionersA so la(y+* Actually I did not thin" of myself as bein la(y at all. I was tryin my best, but it wasnAt much . far from bein enou h5 In school I had always been one of the better ones . now I was only a burden on e#eryone else. $hat was a difficult experience for me, but I am sure it was e#en more tirin for the mon"s who had to put up with the pain in the ass that I must ha#e represented for them. I was not only surprised about the amount of wor" that was done, but also about the lac" of efficiency with which it was done. Of course, no one expects a colle e student that has just arri#ed and represents only a burden to i#e his comments on how thin s are done or how they mi ht be done more efficiently. 3y later master, 3iyaura 4hinyu !oshi also did still ta"e part in most of the wor" at that time, but tryin to i#e e#en the less experienced mon"s a chance to be creati#e and de#elop some sense of responsibilty, he would not play the role of the leader e#en when it was ob#ious that time and ener y was wasted on unnecessary wor". In 9en it is 'uite common to say thin s li"e, *mo#e your body, not your brain5* . which resulted in "eepin us busy for days for jobs that could ha#e been done in a few hours. In such cases it was not always easy for me to just follow the other mon"s silently . as was expected. )hat we were doin seemed to be just too stupid5 4till, thin"in bac" about it now, it is clear that the most *un.efficient* practice ima inable is 9a(en itself. I had come to practice 9a(en, so how could I complain about the wor" ta"in more time than necessary ?one part of the reason bein myself not carryin my wei ht@+ If

you want to practice 9a(en, you ha#e to be prepared to waste both your body and brain *for nothin *. In this sense, the un.efficient wor" that I too" part in at Antaiji was a ood practice, * ood for nothin *. $hreshin the rice caused a hayfe#er aller y which "ept me cau hin until winter. I was cau hin throu hout the wor", durin 9a(en and e#en durin the ni ht. A ain that was hard for myself, but e#en more disturbin for the mon"s around me, who probably wouldnAt ha#e minded much seein me lea#e . 3y brain wouldnAt a ree with what I was doin , my body was achin , and my lun s could hardly breath . why wasnAt I lea#in in the first place. $he only time I felt li"e myself at Antaiji was durin the hours of 9a(en, but there are other places where you can practice 9a(en, and for a 77 year old colle e student there should be more fun waitin out there in the world than carryin roc"s and trees in the rain. I thin" the reason why I stayed was that I had a 'uite ne ati#e outloo" on life. *I donAt mind if I die li"e this*, I thou ht. One day one of the mon"s told me, *you completely lac" any emotions5* At the time, I didnAt e#en understand what he was tal"in about, but I thin" he meant my absolute dis.interest in life. 4ometimes people say that /uddhism ta"es a ne ati#e #iew on life, emphasi(in that life itself is sufferin . I do not thin" so. Huite the opposite, I thin" that I disco#ered interest in my life throu h this first experience at Antaiji, that later led me to disco#er the joy of just bein ali#e ri ht now, in this sin le moment. /ut at a e 77, this didnAt seem possible. 8ife was such a dra . <ach day was just another 7: hours of boredom. Bow could I escape from this prison+ If I hadnAt had the idea in my head that if I couldnAt endure the hardships of the life at Antaiji *I mi ht as well die*, than I am sure that I would ha#e returned to 6yoto Uni#ersity in no time. /ut ideas li"e *enjoyin life* or *ta"in care of oneAs body and mind and li#e a lon and healthy life* were completely alien to me. If 9en wonAt wor" for me, let it "ill me at least... I was a 'uite depressed boy at the time, and I am still rateful for the mon"s who ne#ertheless shared their li#es with me. -unnily, the mon"s seemed to re ard the times of 9a(en, which for me represented the only times where I could be myself, as *sleepin time*. 8ast month I already wrote that one reason for this was the amount of wor" and the total commitment with which the mon"s sacrificied themsel#es to protect the temple. /ut this was not the only reason. Another, e#en more important reason seems to me the lac" of moti#ation to do 9a(en. )hen be inners hear that *9a(en is ood for nothin *, they mi ht be surprised at first, but it also sounds cool somehow. If you practice this *9a(en that is ood for nothin * e#ery mornin and e#ery e#enin , with two 4esshin each month, o#er a strech of say % or > years thou h, your perspecti#e chan es: *)hat am I doin here in the first place+ $hey told me itAs ood for nothin . IAm afraid thatAs just what it is5* *Adult practice* starts exactly at this point. Unfortunately, few practioners reali(e this. 3ost expect *the teacher* or some other experienced person to help them out. And if they do not et that help, or if it comes in a form other than expected, they lose their initial moti#ation to practice 9a(en. As lon as we still ha#e the hope that we mi ht * et somewhere* with our practice, we are willin to i#e our best, but once we reali(e that this practice is really not ettin us *anywhere*, that it is literally ood for nothin , we will come to the 9a(en hall just because we ha#e to . and fall asleep5 )hat is most scary about sleepin durin 9a(en is that once we de#elop the habit, we stop reali(in that we are actually sleepin . <#en thou h the teacher tries to wa"e us up sayin ,

*stop sleepin 5*, we will just thin": *)ho is he possibly tal"in about+ 3e+ ;o, IAm not sleepin ... IAm practin 9a(en just li"e e#eryone else here... IsnAt this what A9a(en that is ood for nothin A is all about+* Once we fall so deep, we become unable to ta"e care of our own practice as adults. And when the teacher tries to help us after all, we canAt e#en hear him anymore. )eAre lost. Adult practice: Part 1& Ideal and !eality /reath the breath of your whole life, each sin le breath, each sin le moment. -or the last three months I ha#e been reflectin about the first impressions I ot at Antaiji. I described how the ima e of *(en* that I had as an uni#ersity student differed 'uite a lot from the life that I found in the 9en monastery. And just as I wrote before, I was especially surprised to find the mon"s mostly sleepin durin (a(en. $his reality drastically contradicted the romantic idea that I had of 9en practice. I reali(e that I am pretty ood at findin other peopleAs faults. I am not so ood thou h at seein my own faults. I also ha#e the tendency to loo" for my ideal somewhere *out there*, and when I can not find it in reality, I will blame it on my surroundin s and the people I see there. /ut isnAt it myself who has to reali(e the ideal in reality, rather than wait for the ideal to jump out of reality li"e a jac".out.of.the.box+ I thin" it was this simple point that 3iyaura !oshi wanted me and all of his other disciples to wa"e up to when he told us that *you create Antaiji*. /ut because we do not understand this simple point, we et disappointed by the reality we find and start to hate our en#irons, or we o to the other extreme and throw our ideal into the trash box, foolin oursel#es into thin"in that this is what is called *to accept thin s as they are*. ;eedless to say, both ways to react to reality ha#e nothin to do with what I call *adult practice*. )hen we deal with the problem of sleepin durin (a(en, adult practice has to start with two reali(ations: -irst, we ha#e to reali(e that we are actually sleepin . 4econd, we ha#e to reali(e that it is oursel#es that are sleepin . /oth thin s seem to be tri#ial, but actually it is more difficult than we would expect. 8ast month I already referred to an episode that happened on one day, when the snorin durin the mornin (a(en had been especially loud. 0urin the tea.meetin of that day, our teacher, 3iyaura !oshi, remar"ed: *9a(en and sleep are not the same thin . 0onAt fool yourselfs5* After the meetin , the mon" with the snore said: *)ho was he possibly tal"in about+ I didnAt see anyone sleepin 5* One of his 0harma.brothers replied: *)hy, of course not, it was you5* $his a ain led to his remar": *Oh really, well, maybe thatAs just how it is. DanAt be helped...* )hen we are really fast asleep, it is only natural that we do not reali(e that we are sleepin . $he problem starts when someone opens our eyes to the reality. 0o we reali(e that only we can ta"e responsibility for our (a(en, and that if we want to wa"e up, we ha#e to wa"e up by oursel#es+ 8ater, the mon" with the snore left Antaiji, and I was surprised to find his words on the Internet: *I recei#ed instruction in the tradition of 4awa"i 6odo !oshi. )hat I was told was to just shut up and sit. $hin s li"e concentratin on the breath or countin the breath are forbidden there, that is why the demons of sleep o#ercame me, or I was usurped by random thou hts.* *$he problem is that we do not "now exactly what just sittin ?shi"anta(a@ is. I thin" the most

important help to let us "now is our master.* *It is a bi difference to understand 0o en 9enjiAs -u"an(a(en i as a practical instruction to be used in oneAs actual daily life, rather than some lofty theory with no relation to oneAs practice. If you ha#e no special means to ma"e you reali(e this point clearly, you will ne#er et a rip on your mind. 2ou will be li"e a "inder arten "id tryin to study at uni#ersity.* )hen we read these 'uotes, we ha#e to see clearly the difference between a childish attitude and adult practice. Otherwise we will fall into the same pit hole. -irst, about the remar" that concentratin on the breath or countin the breath are forbidden in the tradition of 4awa"i: $his is certainly not true ?and my brother "new that #ery well@. In his *Instructions for 9a(en*, which unfortunately I ha#enAt translated into <n lish at the present moment, 4awa"i !oshi 'uotes 6ei(an 9enjiAs *9a(enyojin"i* when discussin the 'uestion where to put the mind durin (a(en. 4awa"i !oshi says: *If your mind is distracted put it on the tip of your nose, or in your lower belly ?tanden@ area. Or you can also count your breath.* Uchiyama !oshi, 4awa"i !oshiAs disciple, says in an article ?which you find in full here@: */reathe the breath of your whole life, each sin le breath, each sin le moment. $o li#e means to breathe this breath ri ht now, and therefore to li#e your *rawIfresh* life naturally doesnAt mean to thin" about it in your head. It means to accept life as life . as *raw, fresh and ali#e* . and to de#elope an attitude of li#in . )hen you do this, that is exactly ?what 0o en 9enji calls in the */endowa*@ *the reat matter of a life time of study comin to the end*. It is also the start of true practice of shi"anta(a ?*just sittin *@*. IsnAt it pretty ob#ious that words li"e these are ;O$ meant as *some lofty theory with no relation to oneAs practice*+ )hat could they possibly be if not *a practical instruction to be used in oneAs actual daily life*+ 4o how can we complain that because nobody tau ht us what shi"anta(a really is, *the demons of sleep o#ercame me, or I was usurped by random thou hts*+5 I am repeatin myself, but I ha#e to say it a ain: )hen we sleep durin (a(en, )< sleep durin (a(en. ;obody else is responsible for that. It is a reat mista"e to blame it on the *demons of sleep* or on the missin instruction of the teacher. -irst of all, was that instruction really missin , or did we just not hear it, because it did not please our ears+ I am continuin to criti(e my 0harma.brother, but was he really so stupid that he did not understand such a tri#ial matter+ Actually no, he certainly was not. Be understood perfecly well in his head. Unfortunately, he did not practice it with his body. Althou h the mon"s at that time slept a lot durin (a(en, they discussed nothin more enthusiastically than 'uestions li"e: *)hat the hell I4 shi"anta(a ?*just sittin *@* *)hat does it really mean to practice the /uddha way+* <specially this one 0harma brother of mine ne#er stopped as"in these 'uestions to himself and others. All of his articles in the old *Antaiji 2earboo"s* for example are dedicated to these 'uestions. I want to ta"e a loo" at them next month, before I procede with my own experiences and difficulties. I also hope to offer some concrete su estions of how to read *Instructions for 9a(en* and the li"e, and how to deal with all "inds of difficulties durin (a(en and practice on the whole. Until then, I will ha#e to as" for a lot of your patience.