Teaching Kids to Learn from Failure

No one wants their kids experience failure, but it's one of the most important life lessons you can teach them. Here's why, and how to teach failure gracefully

You've coddled, cuddled, and cooed. Now it's time to let your kid get his first hard knockshere's why it's actually the kindest thing you can do. What's the F word you're always shielding your child from?WellOK, yeah, that one, for starters. (And boy, you came up with it quicklyhow much Jersey Shore do you watch, anyway?) But actually, we're thinking of a different F word right now: failure. Because what's more important than protecting your little one from situations in which he feels he doesn't measure up? Turns out there is something more importantand that's to go ahead and let him experience a letdown or two. Yes, believe it or not, a little bit of defeat can be a stepping-stone to triumph. Think of the things you learn when you encounter and move beyond failure, observe s child psychologist Rahil Briggs, Psy.D., director of the Healthy Steps program at the Children's Hospital at Montefiore in the Bronx, NY. You learn how to tolerate frustration, how to get creative and take different approaches to tasks, and also how to ask for helpall things that are necessary for long-term success in life. If that's true, why do so many of us try to eliminate failure from our kids' adventures? Ashley Merryman, coauthor of NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children, says it's because we have the mistaken idea that children are very fragile and that any bad outcome they experience, no matter how big or small, could damage their developing self-esteem. But, she adds, science has proven that it's just not true. Achievement builds self -esteem, not the other way around. The takeaway: Bring on the fallen block towers and food spills! The scenarios that follow are ones you're sure to come up against. Here's how to handle them with aplomb when you do. Fed Up You've got a toddler? Oh yeah, Mama, you're gonna have some feeding fails, like the ones that sometimes happen at Goldina Erowele's house. My husband and I will gather around our table with our eight-year-old twin girls and our two-year-old, Chizara, for a breakfast of oatmeal, says Erowele, of Missouri City, TX. But Chizara can sometimes find the meal, well, grueling: She gets frustrated with trying to scoop her oatmeal. She'll aim for her mouth, but then she'll fumble and it will go all over her, Erowele says.

From hot mess to success: My husband is a softie, and he'll try to help the baby, Erowele says. But I'm not as fast to rescue her. I say, It's OK, Chizara! You can do it! Try again! I noticed that just this past Saturday, she had a little bit more confidence. Extra tips from the experts: By being a cheerleadernot a feeder Erowele's on the right track, says Robert Epstein, Ph.D., a research psychologist who's studied success and failure extensively. You want to be supportive without rushing to do everything for her, since this is a task she can only learn through trial and error. Of course, you don't want your child to go hungry either, adds Rene Leff, an Encino, CAbased marriage and family therapist who specializes in infant-child mental health. If she really isn't getting much into her mouth, and is becoming very distressed after a few minutes of trying, it's time to help her guide the spoon or to switch to another food like dried cereal that she can pick up with her fingers, she says. No matter what, expect a mess. Don't fuss over the splashes and splatters: Your child will absorb your expectations [if not the oatmeal], Leff warns. Keep encouraging her, and eventually she'll feed herself flawlessly or at least as well as your Great-Uncle Sydney. Big Sibs, Big Inferiority Complex Nico Botticelli of San Diego is 2 years old, but wants to do all the same things as his 4-year-old brothers, Gabriel and Reese. He'll try to climb on their bikes, then he's sad because he can't reach the pedals. Or do a puzzle with them, but can't make the pieces fit. When he realizes he can't keep up, sometimes he'll cry and stomp his feet and shout I DO IT! says his mom, Laureen. From hot mess to success: Botticelli does her best to provide toddler versions of things the big bros likesay, a ride-on toy for Nico to enjoy while Gabriel and Reese are biking. She'll also sometimes adjust their schedule so he won't feel as overwhelmed: I'll say to his brothers, OK, guys, let's do something that all of us like till Nico's nap, she says. She also makes a point of letting Nico practice puzzles and other skills while his sibs are in preschool: Sometimes it's easier for him to try when they're not around, Botticelli says. Sometimes they'll say You're too little to do this! and then he gets discouraged. Extra tips from the experts: It's smart of Botticelli to give Nico opportunities to attempt new stuff without his big brothers refereeing. Older siblings will sometimes assume a parentlike role, telling the younger child what he can or can't do, or doing it for him. When that happens, it's fine to say I'm the mom, let me handle this, says Briggs. When Botticelli makes mistakes of her own, she can model how to handle them in stride, too (Oops, I just dropped my ice cream cone!). The key is

to normalize failure so your child knows he's not the only one who doesn't get things right on the first try, Epstein says. Less Than Letter-Perfect Madeline O'Malley, 4, of Rockaway, NJ, knows all about failure, from A to Z. Actually, one letter is getting her down. They're practicing writing in preschool, but Maddie can't make an X, says her mom, Cate. Her lines are wiggly or won't cross properly. Maddie gets really worked up. From hot mess to success: O'Malley reminds Maddie how far she's come. I tell her Just think, last year you couldn't write your whole name, and now you can. Give it a little more time and I am sure you will be able to make an X, too! O'Malley has also drawn an X and put a piece of tracing paper on top of it to give Maddie a template. Show your child that he's not the only one who doesn't get things right on the first try. Extra tips from the experts: Maddie's mom is doing a super job of boosting her confidence, Leff says. What would also help, she adds, is to simply tell her You know what? That might be too hard or you right now, honey, she says. If Maddie still wants to practice, she and her mom could make a single X together with a thick marker. Then Maddie could put glue on it and sprinkle it with glitter. Another optionmake a connect-the-dots X for Maddie to finish. Losin' It Connor Gouge, 5, of Holly Springs, NC, totally digs playing the card game UNOuntil someone beats him. He can get sad or sometimes even have a tantrum, notes his mom, Irene. That's a scenario many parents know well. From hot mess to success: Gouge never stacks the deck in Connor's favor. Instead, before she deals the cards, she strikes a deal: I say we'll play three games no matter who wins or loses, as long as there's no whining. If he whines after losing a round, then it ends all play and we try again after a fifteen-minute cooldown. I tell him I love playing with you and spending time together. If you win, I'm happy, and if I win, I'm happy. It's just for fun! Extra tips from the experts: It's fine to halt the play due to tantrums. Just don't tell your child not to have one: At this young age, they simply don't quite have the coping skills. They give really strong, honest, emotional reactions, says Briggs. And while rigging games isn't cool, consider giving little kids a few extra points at the outset, or the occasional do-over, if there's no way they could win in a fair match, recommends Leff. She also suggests not picking up with the same game after a tantrum. Instead, try a different, non-competitive activity, such as coloring. At the end of playing UNO, as long as Connor's at all able to, we always shake hands and tell each other Good game, adds Gouge. Good

sportsmanship is something that never fails to help a childor adultin the long run.

Talking to Kids About Sex

When I was in my early 20s, I used to babysit for my neighbor's two daughters. One evening as my boyfriend and I stood talking to their parents, 4-year-old Emily joined in with a conversation stopper. "Do you have a penis?" she demanded of my boyfriend, who looked suddenly like a deer caught in the headlights. "Because," Emily continued, "my daddy has one. He says all boys have penises and all girls have vaginas." "Uh, that's right," said my boyfriend weakly. And then all the grown-ups laughed with what could only be called relief. Later that evening, my boyfriend wondered whether it was right to teach little children such words. I shrugged. I had no idea. Fifteen years later, with two little kids of my own, I'm still not sure I have the right answers. If you feel the way I do, take this quiz and find out what the experts suggest we say when our kids ask those embarrassing, conversation-stopping questions. Questions: 1-3 1. Your 3-year-old wants to know where that baby in your stomach came from. You tell her: A. The stork brought it. B. Daddy and Mommy made it. C. Here, have a nice, big cookie! Answer: B. Although there's never one answer to this question, your response should be a simple version of the truth. "Little kids are concrete thinkers," says Linda Ladd, Ph.D., chair of family sciences at Texas Woman's University, in Denton. So telling them about the stork, even in jest, will just confuse them. Providing basic - and factual -- answers to a young child's first questions about sex sets the stage for the ongoing dialogue to come. "It should be a conversation, instead of a lecture, so there's plenty of give-and-take," says Anne Bernstein, Ph.D., a Berkeley, California-based family psychologist and author ofFlight of the Stork: What Children Think (and When) About Sex and Family Building. When you answer your child forthrightly, she learns that she can go to you with any question she has in the future. Squirm or dodge the issue and even a preschooler gets the message: Don't ask, don't tell.

2. Your 5-year-old now wants to know how you make a baby. You tell him: A. To ask Daddy. B. Daddy puts his seed, called sperm, in Mommy. C. Daddy puts his penis in Mommy's vagina. That's called having sex. Answer: B. Your child just wants some general information to start with -not a technical description. (You can add details later, if he wants to know more.) "Parents tend to take an all-or-nothing approach," says Patricia Moylan, Ph.D., a pediatric neuropsychologist at Children's Hospital of Michigan, in Detroit. "When your child asks why your stomach's getting bigger, you don't need to go into the cells dividing. Just say that the baby is growing inside your uterus, so your stomach looks bigger. Don't overexplain." What if your child demands the answer when you're at the grocery store? "Say you'll explain it when you get home," says Moylan. "Part of learning about sex is learning when and where it's an appropriate topic." Don't let yourself off the hook at home, though, says Moylan. Bring it up yourself: "Remember you had a good question about how a baby gets into a mommy's belly?" and go from there.

3. Your 2-year-old likes to watch you change your newborn's diapers. "What's that?" she asks, pointing at his penis. You say: A: That's what's going to pee all over you if we don't get a diaper on it! B: It's his penis. Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. C: That's his pee-pee. Answer: B. Even though most of us are still struggling with our inner Puritan, the wisest policy is to use the proper names for sexual organs right from the very beginning. Toddlers want to be sure they have the same parts as everyone else, so it helps if everyone is using the same word. "From the time they're babies, we tell them, "This is your hand and these are your toes,'" says Karen Martin, a certified sex therapist and program coordinator of the Sexuality Center, Long Island Jewish Hospital, in Lake Success, New York. "Then we get to the genitals and start using these cop-out names like "pee-pee.' It's subtle, but the first message they get is that there's something peculiar about these parts of the body. We should be using correct terms."

Questions: 4-6 4. You have an open-door bathroom policy while you potty train your almost 3-year-old. One day she asks if she can touch Daddy's penis. Dad should: A. Scream, "Absolutely not!!" B. Revoke the open-door policy immediately. C. Say no, and calmly explain why she can't. Answer: C. For a toddler, there's no difference between a foot, a neck, and a penis -- they're all just body parts. Nor do they understand why such a request might embarrass anyone #151; especially their parents. "When a child asks about bodies, it can be quite awkward for parents. That can make it difficult for you to deal with the question matter-of-factly," says Martin. This is a good opportunity to start teaching your child about what's private. The standard definition is that everything a bathing suit covers is private -- and you can add that people don't usually show those private parts of their body outside the bathroom or let others touch them. (You can also add, except moms and dads when they need to clean you and doctors when they need to examine you.)

5. It's been awfully quiet upstairs. When you go up, you find your 5-year-old and his kindergarten pal with their clothes off, examining each other. You: A. Tell them they need to have their clothes on for snacks downstairs. B. Take the other kid home immediately, then give your son a time-out. C. Apologize for barging in and close the door so they can have privacy. Answer: A. If you make a big scene, you'll just scare the kids. But unless you're comfortable with the idea of your child playing these types of games until he satisfies his curiosity, you should probably step in and redirect him and his friend to another activity (snacks are always a good diversion). "Children like to check out other kids' bodies," says Ladd. "You can't fault them for being curious, but you need to explain why bodies are private." When you're all downstairs eating pretzels, tell them it's okay to be curious but on playdates they should keep their clothes on, say experts. Later, when your child's buddy has left, you can elaborate. This would be a good opportunity to tell him what's okay touching -- hugging your family and friends -- and what's not #151; touching other people's genitals or letting people touch his. If he's still interested in what bodies look like, you can get him an ageappropriate book. (For some good choices, see "Books for All Ages.") Be sure to call the other child's parents and tell them what the kids were up to so they can have their own discussion. It's also wise for you and your mate to get in sync, says Martin. "Parents should talk to each other about

how they want to talk to their kids about sex," she says. "That way, they can be consistent."

6. Your 3-year-old wants to know if he can have a baby too. You: A: Laugh at him. B: Assure him that if he really wants to when he grows up, he can. C: Tell him no, only mommies can have babies. Answer: C. It might seem like an adorably cute statement to you, but to a 3year-old it's no joke. He won't understand why he can't have babies too unless you tell him why. "This isn't a sex question at all, it's a reproduction question," says Meg Zweiback, associate clinical professor at the University of California, San Francisco School of Nursing. "He wants to know where newborns come from. You can tell him they come from mommies and that he can be a daddy and help make a baby when he's grown-up." If your little boy feels cheated, that's a cue to sit him down and tell him all the ways a father helps take care of an infant. Questions: 7-9 7. Your 4-year-old recently discovered he can make his penis get bigger, and he wants to show his new trick to Grandma. You: A. Acknowledge the wonder of his anatomy -- and explain that he should keep his new trick to himself. B. Ask Grandma to visit when he's sound asleep. C. Tell your spouse to deal with it. Answer: A. It is a neat trick, so don't squelch his innocent enthusiasm by shaming him or getting angry. "What needs to be said to both boys and girls is 'I know that's fun and feels good, but it's private and should be done in your room by yourself. It isn't okay to share that with others,'" says Sylvia Hacker, associate professor emerita at the Schools of Nursing and Public Health at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor. Any self-respecting 4-year-old will then promptly ask, "Why not?" You can tell him it's not polite to do it around other people, or invoke collective behavior ("The rule is you don't touch your penis in front of others"). After all, part of the discussion about sex is teaching young children about what's socially appropriate -- ideally, without conferring any sense of shame along with it.

8. Your 7-year-old tells you she's heard kids saying, "That's so gay." What does "gay" mean? she asks. You: A: Tell her it's an old-fashioned word for "happy" and leave it at that. B: Rent La Cage aux Folles. C: Explain that it's a term used for homosexuals. Answer: C. Before you get into a discussion of why people would sometimes use that word pejoratively, this is probably the appropriate time to explain to a child this age what homosexuality is. "Tell her that some men and women fall in love with other men and other women and live together as a couple," says Bernstein. Playground vernacular being what it is, this phrase probably isn't invoking anything to do with homosexuality. But you may want to talk about why children sometimes want to hurt one another's feelings with words they don't fully understand.

9. Your 8-year-old confides that a classmate has a magazine with photos of naked women in it. You: A. Explain that magazines like that are for grown-ups. B. Ground him for a week. C. Tell him he should like looking at naked women; he's a boy! Answer: A. But you might want to ask him what the pictures showed and find out if he has any questions about them. If he felt uncomfortable seeing those images, tell him that's okay; he doesn't have to look at them and he can just tell his friends he's not interested. And if he liked what he saw? Be matter-of-fact: Tell him it's normal to find nudity appealing. If you find that type of magazine pornographic, now's not the time to discuss it -- unless you know the photos showed explicit acts, say experts. Between 8 and 10, kids can become more curious, so if you haven't already, you may want to provide some reading material that goes into more detail. Remember to thank him for confiding in you and add that he can always go to you first when issues like this come up. One benefit of talking honestly about sex during the early years is that a child will have more to go on when he gets to grade school, when friends and the media also become sources of information. Many parents worry that the more kids know about sex, the more likely they are to try it out. The experts insist that the opposite is true: Study after study shows that children who have more information are less likely to become sexually active earlier. After all, teaching your kids about sex is teaching them about life, says Martin. "It goes on constantly. Or it should. If

you're waiting to have that birds-and-bees conversation when they're thirteen, that's way too late." Julie Tilsner is the author, most recently, of Attack of the Toddlers.