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knowing what her problem was. She was discontented with her work, life, love—but why? The
word transgender didn't exist in her vocabulary, nor did the concept that she might actually be a
she, and not the married man she was. Unlike Rachel, unlike Anderson Wiltshire, she hadn't
"known" anything as a child,
consciously or otherwise.
Ironically, Rabe's first glimpse of a trans future came when, with the marriage in trouble, she
joined a "New Warrior" group to look for her true male self. The warriors were asking
themselves the right questions. When Karl tried to answer them—well, Karli is still trying to
answer them.
Rabe eventually got started on female hormones, but after a year had to stop because she couldn't
afford them. She'll start again as soon as she can, she says, and would like to get going on
electrolysis for her facial hair; eventually, she wants to have a sex-change operation, the same as
Rachel did.
But as of now, Rabe is between steady paychecks and trying to figure out whether she can start a
business—she has several in mind—when she sells some land she bought years ago; which
means she's also having to contemplate the prospect of postponing the hormones again, and the
electrolysis and surgery, too.
Good question. She's asked it of herself, and whether she can live a life of integrity if she
remains as she is, still "on this edge" between a cross-dressing ex-male and an uncertain future
form that she'd like to be female but could end up androgynous or even male-appearing. And
maybe that'll be all right, too.
"It's still a little fuzzy, it's hard to pin down in some respects for me," she says. But she's
determined to follow her mind and her heart from now on and to shed what remains of repressive
socialization, even if she can never shed her male anatomy. "It's not either-or, I think that's the
point." She was put early on into a box labeled "male." It didn't fit, but a box labeled "female"
probably wouldn't fit either, because her genes are male and so is a lot of the experience she
wants to draw on going forward.
"And at the same time, there's another part of me that was never developed, never fostered, never
nurtured, so it's still an opportunity for me to connect with that—who I am—and express that.
And that comes in many forms, not just physical form."
So if you could "be" your female side without the sex-change work, would you really still need
it? I ask.
"Don't need it," she answers. "Want it. It's about self-expression. This is the nature of who I am."
Photo by Derek Anderson
For the moment, Rabe is trying to focus on business and money, but inevitably those problems
also hinge on whether she's finally ready to test her mettle. Will she "commit" to an open
exploration of her own sexuality? "I told my church group, I haven't arrived yet. I'm not present,"
she says, and smiles at the thought that she will be soon. "I do feel like I have a lot to offer that
the world hasn't seen."
But the world in Chapel Hill and Carrboro, where she lives, is starting to see it. Rabe's wearing
skirts out of the house when she feels like it, and jeans when she feels like that, and makeup
sometimes, too. Sometimes she puts on "outplants"—false breasts—because they feel right.
Sometimes, it's too hot for them.
The crux is to be self-confident, she says, because people will accept you if they sense that you
accept yourself. Most of them, anyway. She's sometimes surprised by who's thrown at seeing her
in a woman's garb and who isn't. "Label jars, not people" is her message to herself about that.