Footnote to Youth

By Jose Garcia Villa

The sun was salmon and hazy in the west. Dodong thought to himself he would tell his father about Teang when he got home, after he had unhitched the carabao from the plow, and led it to its shed and fed it. He was hesitant about saying it, he wanted his father to now what he had to say was of serious importance as it would mar a climacteric in his life. Dodong finally decided to tell it, but a thought came to him that his father might refuse to consider it. His father was a silent hardwor ing farmer, who chewed areca nut, which he had learned to do from his mother, Dodong!s grandmother. He wished as he loo ed at her that he had a sister who could help his mother in the housewor . " will tell him. " will tell it to him. The ground was bro en up into many fresh wounds and fragrant with a sweetish earthy smell. #any slender soft worm emerged from the further rows and then burrowed again deeper into the soil. $ short colorless worm marched blindly to Dodong!s foot and crawled clammilu o%er it. Dodong got tic led and &er ed his foot, flinging the worm into the air. Dodong did not bother to loo where into the air, but thought of his age, se%enteen, and he said to himself he was not young anymore. Dodong unhitched the carabao leisurely and fa%e it a healthy tap on the hip. The beast turned its head to loo at him with dumb faithful eyes. Dodong ga%e it a slight push and the animal wal ed alongside him to its shed. He placed bundles of grass before it and the carabao began to eat. Dodong loo ed at it without interest. Dodong started homeward thin ing how he would brea his news to his father. He wanted to marry, Dodong did. He was se%enteen, he had pimples on his face, then down on his upper lip was dar 'these meant he was no longer a boy. He was growing into a man ( he was a man. Dodong felt insolent and big at the thought of it, although he was by nature low in stature. Thin ing himself man ( grown, Dodong felt he could do anything. He wal ed faster, prodded by the thought of his %irility. $ small angled stone bled his foot, but he dismissed it cursorily. He lifted his leg and loo ed at the hurt toe and then went on wal ing. "n the cool sundown, he thought wild young dreams of himself and Teang, his girl. )he had a small brown face and small blac eyes and straight glossy hair. How desirable she was to him. )he made him want to touch her, to hold her. )he made him dream e%en during the day. Dodong tensed with desire and loo ed at the muscle of his arms. Dirty. This fieldwor was healthy in%igorating, but it begrimed you, smudged you terribly. He turned bac the way he had come, then marched obli*uely to a cree . #ust you marry, Dodong+, Dodong resented his father!s *uestion- his father himself had married early.

Dodong stripped himself and laid his clothes, a gray under shirt and red undiman shorts, on the grass. Then he went into the water, wet his body o%er and rubbed at it %igorously. He was not long in bathing, then he marched homeward again. The bath made him feel cool. "t was dus when he reached home. The petroleum lamp on the ceiling was already lighted and the low un%arnished s*uare table was set for supper. He and his parents sat down on the floor around the table to eat. They had fried freshwater fish, and rice, but did not parta e of the fruit. The bananas were o%erripe and when one held the,, they felt more fluid than solid. Dodong bro e off a piece of ca ed sugar, dipped it in his glass of water and ate it. He got another piece and wanted some more, but he thought of lea%ing the remainder for his parent. Dodong!s mother remo%ed the dishes when they were through, and went with slow careful steps and Dodong wanted to help her carry the dishes out. But he was tired and now, feld lazy. He wished as he loo ed at her that he had a sister who could help his mother in the housewor . He pitied her, doing all the housewor alone. His father remained in the room, suc ing a diseased tooth. "t was paining him, again. Dodong new, Dodong had told him often and again to let the town dentist pull it out, but he was afraid, his father was. He did not tell that to Dodong, but Dodong guessed it. $fterward, Dodong himself thought that if he had a decayed tooth, he would be afraid to go to the dentist- he would not be any bolder than his father. Dodong said while his mother was out that he was going to marry Teang. There it was out, what we had to say, and o%er which he head said it without any effort at all and without self'consciousness. Dodong felt reli%ed and loo ed at his father e.pectantly. $ decresent moon outside shed its feebled light into the window, graying the still blac temples of his father. His father loo old now. /" am going to marry Teang,, Dodong said. His father loo ed at him silently and stopped suc ing the bro en tooth, The silenece became intense and cruel, and Dodong was uncomfortable and then became %ery angry because his father ept loo ing at him without uttering anything. /" will marry Teang,, Dodong repeated. /" will marry Teang., His father ept gazing at him in fle.ible silence and Dodong fidgeted on his seat. " as ed her last night to marry me and she said0 /1es. " want your permission0 "0 want0 it0, There was an impatient clamor in his %oice, an e.acting protest at his coldness, this indifference. Dodong loo ed at his father sourly. He crac ed his nuc les one by one, and the little sound it made bro e dully the night stillness. /#ust you marry, Dodong+,

Dodong resented his father!s *uestion- his father himself had married early. Dodong made a *uic impassioned essay in his mind about selfishness, but later, he got confused. /1ou are %ery young, Dodong., /"!m se%enteen., /That!s %ery young to get married at., /"0 " want to marry0 Teang!s a good girl0 /Tell your mother,, his father said. /1ou tell her, Tatay., /Dodong, you tell your "nay., /1ou tell her., /$ll right, Dodong., /$ll right, Dodong., /1ou will let me marry Teang+, /)on, if that is your wish0 of course0, There was a strange helpless light in his father!s eyes. Dodong did not read it. Too absorbed was he in himself. Dodong was immensely glad he has asserted himself. He lost his resentment for his father, for a while, he e%en felt sorry for him about the pain " his tooth. Then he confined his mind dreaming of Teang and himself. )weet young dreams0 222 Dodong stood in the sweltering noon heat, sweating profusely so that his camiseta was damp. He was still li e a tree and his thoughts were confused. His mother had told him not to lea%e the house, but he had left. He wanted to get out of it without clear reason at all. He was afraid, he felt afraid of the house. "t had seemingly caged him, to compress his thoughts with se%ere tyranny. He was also afraid of Teang who was gi%ing birth in the house- she face screams that chilled his blood. He did not want her to scream li e that. He began to wonder madly if the process of childbirth was really painful. )ome women, when they ga%e birth, did not cry. "n a few moments he would be a father. /3ather, father,, he whispered the word with awe, with strangeness. He was young, he realized now contradicting himself of nine months ago. He was %ery young0 He felt *ueer, troubled, uncomfortable. Dodong felt tired of standing. He sat down on a saw'horse with his feet close together. He loo ed at his calloused toes. Then he thought, supposed he had ten children0 The &ourney of thought came to a halt when he heard his mother!s %oice from the house.

)ome how, he was ashamed to his mother of his youthful paternity. "t made him feel guilty, as if he had ta en something not properly his. /4ome up, Dodong. "t is o%er., )uddenly, he felt terribly embarrassed as he loo ed at her. )omehow, he was ashamed to his mother of his youthful paternity. "t made him feel guilty, as if he has ta en something not properly his. He dropped his eyes and pretended to dust off his undiman shorts. /Dodong,, his mother called again. /Dodong., He turned to loo again and this time, he saw his father beside his mother. /"t is a boy., His father said. He bec oned Dodong to come up. Dodong felt more embarrassed and did not mo%e. His parent!s eyes seemed to pierce through him so he felt limp. He wanted to hide or e%en run away from them. /Dodong, you come up. 1ou come up,, his mother said. Dodong did not want to come up. He!d rather stayed in the sun. /Dodong0 Dodong., "!ll0 come up. Dodong traced the tremulous steps on the dry parched yard. He ascended the bamboo steps slowly. His heart pounded mercilessly in him. 5ithin, he a%oided his parent!s eyes. He wal ed ahead of them so that they should not see his face. He felt guilty and untru. He felt li e crying. His eyes smarted and his chest wanted to burst. He wanted to turn bac , to go bac to the yard. He wanted somebody to punish him. /)on,, his father said. $nd his mother6 /Dodong.., How ind their %oices were. They flowed into him, ma ing him strong. /Teanf+, Dodong said. /)he!s sleeping. But you go in0, His father led him into the small sawali room. Dodong saw Teang, his wife, asleep on the paper with her soft blac hair around her face. He did not want her to loo that pale. Dodong wanted to touch her, to push away that stray wisp of hair that touched her lips. But again that feeling of embarrassment came o%er him, and before his parent, he did not want to be demonstrati%e. The hilot was wrapping the child Dodong heard him cry. The thin %oice touched his heart. He could not control the swelling of happiness in him. /1ou gi%e him to me. 1ou gi%e him to me,, Dodong said. 222

Blas was not Dodong!s only child. #any more children came. 3or si. successi%e years, a new child came along. Dodong did not want any more children. But they came. "t seemed that the coming of children could not helped. Dodong got angry with himself sometimes. Teang did not complain, but the bearing of children tolled on her. )he was shapeless and thin e%en if she was young. There was interminable wor that ept her tied up. 4oo ing, laundering. The house. The children. )he cried sometimes, wishing she had no married. )he did not tell Dodong this, not wishing him to disli e her. 1et, she wished she had not married. 7ot e%en Dodong whom she lo%ed. There had neen another suitor, 8ucio older than Dodong by nine years and that wasw why she had chosen Dodong. 1oung Dodong who was only se%enteen. 8ucio had married another. 8ucio, she wondered, would she ha%e born him children+ #aybe not, either. That was a better lot. But she lo%ed Dodong0 in the moonlight, tired and *uerulous. He wanted to as *uestions and somebody to answer him. He wanted to be wise about many thins. 8ife did not fulfill all of 1outh!s dreams. 5hy must be so+ 5hy one was forsa en0 after lo%e+ 9ne of them was why life did not fulfill all of the youth! dreams. 5hy it must be so. 5hy one was forsa en0 after lo%e. Dodong could not find the answer. #aybe the *uestion was not to be answered. "t must be so to ma e youth. 1outh must be dreamfully sweet. Dreamfully sweet. Dodong returned to the house, humiliated by himself. He had wanted to now little wisdom but was denied it. 5hen Blas was eighteen, he came home one night, %ery flustered and happy. Dodong heard Blas! steps for he could not sleep well at night. He watched Blass undress in the dar and lie down softly. Blas was restless on his mat and could not sleep. Dodong called his name and as ed why he did not sleep. 1ou better go to sleep. "t is late,, Dodong said. 8ife did not fulfill all of youth!s dreams. 5hy it must be so+ 5hy one was forsa en after lo%e+ /"tay.., Blas called softly. Dodong stirred and as ed him what it was. /"!m going to marry Tona. )he accepted me tonight. /"tay, you thin its o%er., Dodong lay silent. " lo%ed Tona and0 " want her., Dodong rose from his mat and told Blas to follow him. They descended to the yard where e%erything was still and *uiet. The moonlight was cold and white.

/1ou want to marry Tona, Dodong said, although he did not want Blas to marry yet. Blas was %ery young. The life that would follow marriage would be hard0 /1es., /#ust you marry+, Blas! %oice was steeled with resentment. /" will mary Tona., /1ou ha%e ob&ection, "tay+, Blas as ed acridly. /)on0 non0, But for Dodong, he do anything. 1outh must triumph0 now. $fterward0 "t will be life. $s long ago, 1outh and 8o%e did triumph for Dodong0 and then life. Dodong loo ed wistfully at his young son in the moonlight. He felt e.tremely sad and sorry for him.