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MATILDA THE MUSICAL ACT 1 A bell rings. Lights up.

A long table with the word "Birthday" emblazoned on it moves forward, with little hands creeping along the bottom. The table stops and the hands hit the ground. The children begin to pop up from behind the table and speak. They are all dressed in costume !ric as Batman, Tommy as the "ncredible #ulk, Lavender as a $rincess, %igel as &piderman, Bruce in army gear, Amanda as &uperwoman, Alice as 'onder 'oman, #ortensia as a (ueen.
My mummy says I'm a miracle!

ERIC TOMMY My daddy says I'm his special little guy! Ow! AMANDA I am a princess! R!CE And I am a prince" A## $IR#% Mum says I'm an angel sent d&wn 'r&m the s(y! ERIC) TOMMY) and R!CE My daddy says I'm his special little s&ldier" N& &ne is as hands&me) str&ng as me" R!CE It's true he indulges my tendency t& *ulge" ERIC) TOMMY) and R!CE ut I'm his little s&ldier" +up) tw&) '&ur) 'ree" A#ICE and +ORTEN%IA My mummy says I'm a miracle) One l&&( at my 'ace and it's plain t& see" E,er since the day d&c ch&pped the um*ilical c&rd) It's *een clear there's n& peer '&r a miracle li(e me" Ow!

NI$E#) TOMMY My daddy says I'm his special little s&ldier" N& &ne is as *&ld &r t&ugh as me" +as my daddy t&ld ya One day when I'm &lder) I can *e a s&ldier NI$E# And sh&&t y&u in the 'ace! A party entertainer enters with balloons. -ARTY ENTERTAINER One can hardly m&,e '&r *eauty and *rilliance these days" It seems that there are milli&ns &' these .&ne in a milli&ns. these days" %pecialness is de rigueur" A*&,e a,erage is a,erage" $& 'ig/ueur! Is it s&me m&dern miracle &' calculus That such 're0uent miracles d&n't render each &ne un/miracul&us1 C+I#DREN My mummy says I'm a miracle" One l&&( at my 'ace and it's plain t& see" E,er since the day d&c ch&pped the um*ilical c&rd) It's *een clear there's n& peer '&r a miracle li(e me" #A2ENDER My mummy says I'm a preci&us *arrelina" %he has ne,er seen 3 a! -rettier *arrelin3a! %he says i' I'm (een) I ha,e t& cut d&wn &n the cream) ut I'm a *arrelina 3 %& gi,e me m&re ca(e! )our *+,$L!&, crouched down behind the table, begin to stand and speak. CO!-#E 4 MAN5 Ta(e an&ther picture &' &ur angel 'r&m this angle &,er here" 6OMAN5 %he is clearly m&re em&ti&nally de,el&ped than her peers" OT+5 6hat a dear! CO!-#E 7 6OMAN5 That's right) h&ney" #&&( at mummy" MAN5 D&n't put h&ney &n y&ur *r&ther" 6OMAN5 %mile '&r mummy! %mile '&r m&ther! MAN5 I thin( he *lin(ed" 6OMAN5 6ell) ta(e an&ther!

CO!-#E 8 MAN5 +a,e y&u seen his sch&&l rep&rt1 +e g&t a C &n his rep&rt! A## CO!-#E%5 6hat1 MAN5 6e'll ha,e t& change his sch&&l" The teacher's clearly 'alling sh&rt" CO!-#E 9 6OMAN5 %he's :ust delight'ul" MAN5 %& hilari&us" 6OMAN5 And insight'ul" CO!-#E% Might she *e a little *righter than her class1 Oh) yes) she's de'initely ad,anced! The couples and the children overlap the ne-t two verses, as children split themselves among five couples and e-ecute rote choreography. ;CO!-#E% Ta(e an&ther picture &' &ur angel 'r&m this angle &,er here" %he is clearly m&re em&ti&nally de,el&ped than her peers" 6hat a dear! That's right) h&ney) l&&( at mummy" D&n't put h&ney &n y&ur *r&ther" %mile '&r mummy) smile '&r m&ther" I thin( he *lin(ed" 6ell) ta(e an&ther! C+I#DREN My mummy says I'm a miracle" One l&&( at my 'ace and it's plain t& see" E,er since the day d&c ch&pped the um*ilical c&rd) It's *een clear there's n& peer '&r a miracle li(e me"< C+I#DREN My mummy says I'm a 3 C+I#DREN and CO!-#E% Miracle! C+I#DREN That I'm as tiny and as shiny as a 3 C+I#DREN and CO!-#E% Mirr&r *all! C+I#DREN Y&u can *e all cynical) ut it's a truth empirical"

There's ne,er *een a miracle) a miracle) a miracle As me" A curtain is wheeled in with the words ". /!A0& A1+" painted on it. "t is flanked by A2A%3A and !0"* in lab coats over their costumes. 20& '+02'++3 is behind the curtain. A 3+*T+0 enters. MR% 6ORM6OOD #&&() is this g&nna ta(e much l&nger) d&ct&r1 I',e g&t a plane t& catch at three" I'm c&mpeting in the i/Annual Internati&nal Amateur %alsa and allr&&m Dancing Champi&nships in -aris" DOCTOR Y&u're getting &n a plane) Mrs 6&rmw&&d1 MR% 6ORM6OOD O' c&urse I am" I always c&mpete) d&ct&r" ut this time) I',e g&t a secret weap&n" Rud&lph&! +e's part Italian) y&u (n&w" 2ery supple" +as incredi*le upper/*&dy strength" DOCTOR I thin( we sh&uld ha,e a tal(" 20& '+02'++3 walks out from behind the curtain, heavily pregnant. MR% 6ORM6OOD %&) what is it1 6hat's wr&ng with me1 DOCTOR Mrs 6&rmw&&d) d& y&u really ha,e n& idea1 MR% 6ORM6OOD $as1 DOCTOR Mrs 6&rmw&&d) I want y&u t& thin( ,ery care'ully" 6hat d& y&u thin( might *e the cause &' 3 this1 20& '+02'++3 gasps. MR% 6ORM6OOD Am I " " " Am I " " " #&&() am I 'at1 DOCTOR Y&u're pregnant! MR% 6ORM6OOD 6hat1! DOCTOR

Y&u're g&ing t& ha,e a *a*y" MR% 6ORM6OOD ut I',e g&t a *a*y! I d&n't want an&ther &ne" Isn't there s&mething y&u can d&1 DOCTOR Y&u're nine m&nths pregnant! MR% 6ORM6OOD Anti*i&tics) &r " " " Oh) my g&&d #&rd! 6hat a*&ut the i/Annual Internati&nal Amateur %alsa and allr&&m Dancing Champi&nships1 DOCTOR A *a*y) Mrs 6&rmw&&d" A child" The m&st preci&us gi't the natural w&rld can *est&w up&n us has *een handed t& y&u" A *rand new human *eing! A li'e" A pers&n" A w&nder'ul new pers&n is a*&ut t& c&me int& y&ur li'e t& *ring l&,e) and magic) and happiness) and w&nder! MR% 6ORM6OOD Oh) *l&&dy hell! 20& '+02'++3 walks back behind the curtain. DOCTOR E,ery li'e I *ring int& this w&rld Rest&res my 'aith in human (ind" N!R%E -ush) Mrs 6&rmw&&d) push! MR% 6ORM6OOD I'll push y&u in a minute! DOCTOR Each new*&rn li'e a can,as yet unpainted) This still) un*r&(en s(in) This unc&rrupted mind" The *#"L30!% enter from both sides of the stage, with lab coats over their costumes. The 3+*T+0 and the *#"L30!% sing into their stethoscopes. DOCTOR and C+I#DREN E,/er/y li'e is un*elie,a*ly unli(ely" The chances &' e=istence alm&st in'initely small" DOCTOR The m&st c&mm&n thing in li'e is li'e " " "

The curtain is wheeled away to reveal 20& '+02'++3. A %,0&! is holding a baby, which cries. DOCTOR And yet e,ery single li'e) E,ery new li'e Is a miracle! Miracle! 20 '+02'++3 enters, puffing on a cigarette. MR 6ORM6OOD 6here is he1 6here's my s&n1 DOCTOR Mr 6&rmw&&d! Are y&u sm&(ing a cigarette1 MR 6ORM6OOD 6hat1 Oh) &' c&urse" ;#e throws the cigarette into the audience.< I'm s&rry) d&ct&r" 6hat am I thin(ing1 This calls '&r a pr&per sm&(e" ;#e takes out a cigar and takes hold of the baby.< Oh) my w&rd) he's an ugly little thing" DOCTOR This is &ne &' the m&st *eauti'ul children I',e e,er seen" MR 6ORM6OOD unwraps the *lan(et that the *a*y is swathed in" MR 6ORM6OOD Oh) my g&&d #&rd" 6here's his 'ingie1 DOCTOR +is what1 MR 6ORM6OOD +is 'ingie" +is whatchamacallit" +is d&/dah" 6hat',e y&u d&ne with his 'ingie1 DOCTOR This child d&esn't ha,e a .thingie. 3 MR 6ORM6OOD 6hat1 A *&y with n& 'ingie1 #&&( what y&u',e d&ne) y&u stupid w&man" This *&y's g&t n& 'ingie" DOCTOR Mr 6&rmw&&d! This child is a girl" A *eauti'ul) *eauti'ul little girl" Is there still time '&r the MR% 6ORM6OOD i/Annual Inter/Champi&nship Amateur %ausage 3

MR 6ORM6OOD Dance c&mpetiti&n's &,er" Y&u missed it" ;#e brings out a load of cash and starts leafing through it.< #&&() I d&n't supp&se we c&uld e=change it '&r a *&y) c&uld we1 The 3+*T+0 e-its and 20 '+02'++3 hurries after him. MR% 6ORM6OOD This is the w&rst day &' my li'e! Oh) my undercarriage d&esn't 'eel 0uite n&rmal" My s(in l&&(s :ust re,&lting in this '&ul) 'lu&rescent light" And this g&wn is n&thing li(e the semi/'&rmal) %emi/%panish g&wn I sh&uld *e wearing in the semi/'inals t&night! 0,3+L$#+ enters from behind a gap in the curtain behind her. #e dances with the hospital bed that 20& '+02'++3 is lying on. MR% 6ORM6OOD I sh&uld *e dancing the Tarentella >ui m&n 'ella Italian&" 0,3+L$#+ e-its the same way he came. MR% 6ORM6OOD N&t dressed in h&spital c&tt&n) 6ith an &wchie " " " 'r&nt *&tt&m" And this 3 The 3+*T+0, 20 '+02'++3, and a male nurse enter. DOCTOR Miracle! MR% 6ORM6OOD +&rri*le 3 DOCTOR Miracle! MR% 6ORM6OOD %melly little 3 DOCTOR The m&st *eauti'ul miracle I ha,e e,er seen! MR 6ORM6OOD I can't 'ind his 'ran( 'n' *eans!

$arents wheeling strollers enter alongside their *#"L30!%. DOCTOR E,/er/y li'e is un*elie,a*ly unli(ely" C+I#DREN My mummy says I'm a miracle" DOCTOR The chances &' e=istence alm&st in'initely small" C+I#DREN My daddy says I'm his special little guy" DOCTOR The m&st c&mm&n thing in li'e is li'e 3 C+I#DREN +up) tw&) '&ur) 'ree! The Birthday table is wheeled back in by other children. *#"L30!% and *+,$L!& arrange themselves behind it. DOCTOR And yet) e,ery single li'e) E,ery new li'e Is a miracle! Miracle! Miracle! The 3+*T+0 runs behind the table with the others. The group sets off party poppers down the line. CO!-#E%) C+I#DREN) and DOCTOR My mummy says I'm a miracle) One l&&( at my 'ace and it's plain t& see" E,er since the day d&c ch&pped the um*ilical c&rd) It's *een clear there's n& peer '&r a miracle li(e me" My mummy says I'm a miracle" That I'm as tiny and as shiny as a mirr&r *all" Y&u can *e all cynical) ut it's a truth empirical There's ne,er *een a miracle) a miracle) a miracle as " " " The woman from *+,$L! 4 blows on a birthday cake as the table splits in two and 2AT"L3A stands from behind it, holding a collection of books from one hand. MATI#DA

My mummy says I'm a l&usy little w&rm" My daddy says I'm a *&re" My mummy says I'm a :umped/up little germ) That (ids li(e me sh&uld *e against the law" My daddy says I sh&uld learn t& shut my pie/h&le" N& &ne li(e a smart/m&uthed girl li(e me" Mum says I'm a g&&d case '&r p&pulati&n c&ntr&l" Dad says I sh&uld watch m&re T2" 20 '+02'++3 kicks her out of the way, talking on the telephone. The scene switches to the 'ormwood5s living room. 2AT"L3A5s brother, 2"*#A!L, lies lazily on a recliner. 2AT"L3A sits to the side, reading a book. MR 6ORM6OOD $et &ut &' it! Yes) sir" That's right) sir" One hundred and 'i'ty/'i,e *rand new lu=ury cars) sir" Are they g&&d runners1 Oh) let's put it this way" Y&u w&uldn't *eat them in a race! ;#e laughs then peters out.< N&) sir" Yes) sir" They are g&&d runners) sir" Yes) sir" Indeed) sir" %&) erm " " " +&w much) e=actly are we tal(ing a*&ut1 20& '+02'++3 enters and screams. MR% 6ORM6OOD +arry! MR 6ORM6OOD ;to the phone< +ang &n" MR% 6ORM6OOD #&&( at this" %he's reading a *&&(" That's n&t n&rmal '&r a 'i,e/year/&ld" I thin( she might *e an idi&t" MATI#DA #isten t& this5 .It was the *est &' times" It was the w&rst &' times" It was the age &' wisd&m " " " . 20& '+02'++3 screams again. MR 6ORM6OOD %t&p scaring y&ur m&ther with that *&&() *&y" MATI#DA I'm a girl! MR% 6ORM6OOD And she (eeps trying t& tell me st&ries) +arry" %t&ries" 6h& wants st&ries1 I mean) it's :ust n&t n&rmal '&r a girl t& *e all " " " .thin(ing." MR 6ORM6OOD

;to the phone< I'm g&nna call y&u straight *ac(" ;to 20& '+02'++3< 6&uld y&u please shut up1 I am trying t& pull &'' the *iggest *usiness deal &' my li'e and I ha,e t& listen t& this" It's y&ur 'ault" Y&u spend us int& tr&u*le and y&u e=pect me t& get us &ut" 6hat am I1 A 'laming escap&l&gist1 MR% 6ORM6OOD .Escap&l&gist.) he says! 6hat a*&ut me) then1 I',e g&t a wh&le h&use t& l&&( a'ter! Dinners d&n't micr&wa,e themsel,es) y&u (n&w! I' y&u're an escap&l&gist) I must *e an acr&*at t& *alance that l&t" The w&rld's greatest acr&*at! I am &'' t& *leach my r&&ts " " " and I shan't *e tal(ing t& y&u '&r the rest &' the e,ening) y&u h&rrid little man! MR 6ORM6OOD ut I'm g&nna ma(e us rich! MR% 6ORM6OOD Rich1 +&w rich1 MR 6ORM6OOD Oh) ,ery rich" Russian *usinessmen5 ,ery) ,ery stupid! Y&ur genius hus*and is g&ing t& sell them &ne hundred and 'i'ty 'i,e (nac(ered &ld *angers as *rand/new lu=ury cars" MATI#DA ut that's n&t 'air! The cars will *rea( d&wn" 6hat a*&ut the Russians1 MR 6ORM6OOD .?air". #isten t& the *&y" MATI#DA I'm a girl! MR 6ORM6OOD .?air. d&es n&t get y&u anywhere) y&u thic(headed twit/*rain! All I can say is) than( hea,ens Michael has inherited his &ld man's *rains) eh) s&n1 MIC+AE# ;dully< Michael" MR% 6ORM6OOD +mm" 6ell) I shall ta(e y&ur m&ney when y&u earn it) and I shall spend it" ut I shan't en:&y it) *ecause &' the despica*le way in which y&u ha,e sp&(en t& me t&night" 20& '+02'++3 e-its. MR 6ORM6OOD ;to 2AT"L3A< This is y&ur 'ault" 6ith y&ur stupid *&&(s and y&ur stupid reading"


MATI#DA ut I didn't d& anything" That's n&t right"

MR 6ORM6OOD .Right.1 ;#e laughs.< .Right.1 I'll tell y&u s&mething" Y&u're &'' t& sch&&l in a 'ew days' time" And y&u w&n't *e getting .right. there) &h n&" %ee) I (n&w y&ur headmistress" Agatha Trunch*ull" Behind 20 '+02'++3 and 2AT"L3A, the scene changes from a living room to 2AT"L3A5s bedroom. MR 6ORM6OOD And I',e t&ld her all a*&ut y&u and y&ur smarty/pants ideas" $reat) *ig) str&ng) scary w&man she is" !sed t& c&mpete in the Olympics) thr&wing the hammer! Imagine what she is g&ing t& d& t& a h&rri*le) s0uea(y little g&*lin li(e y&u) *&y" MATI#DA I'm a girl! MR 6ORM6OOD N&w) get &'' t& *ed) y&u little *&&(w&rm" 20 '+02'++3 e-its while 2AT"L3A runs into her bedroom, flings the door open, and climbs onto her bookshelf. &he opens a book. MATI#DA @ac( and @ill went up the hill T& 'etch a pail &' water" %& they say" The su*se0uent 'all was ine,ita*le" They ne,er st&&d a chance" They were written that way5 Inn&cent ,ictims &' their st&ry" #i(e R&me& and @uliet) 'Twas written in the stars *e'&re they e,en met" That l&,e and 'ate and a t&uch &' stupidity 6&uld r&* them &' their h&pe &' li,ing happily" The endings are &'ten a little *it g&ry! I w&nder why they didn't :ust change their st&ry" 6e're t&ld we ha,e t& d& what we're t&ld) *ut surely) %&metimes y&u ha,e t& *e a little *it naughty! @ust *ecause y&u 'ind that li'e's n&t 'air) it D&esn't mean that y&u :ust ha,e t& grin and *ear it" I' y&u always ta(e it &n the chin and wear it) N&thing will change"

E,en i' y&u're little) y&u can d& a l&t" Y&u Mustn't let a little thing li(e .little. st&p y&u" I' y&u sit ar&und and let them get &n t&p) y&u Might as well *e saying y&u thin( that it's &(ay) And that's n&t right" ;%he 'lic(s &n the light &' the ,anity in her parent's *athr&&m) which has risen 'r&m the stage" It is delineated int& .+is. and .+ers. sides"< And i' it's n&t right) Y&u ha,e t& put it right" 2AT"L3A picks up various bottles from the vanity and reads from their labels. -latinum *l&nde hair dye" E=tra str&ng" Aeep &ut &' reach &' children" +mm" Oil &' 2i&lets hair t&nic" ?&r men" Yep! 2AT"L3A starts pouring the hair dye into the +il of 6iolets bottle. MATI#DA In the slip &' a *&lt) there's a tiny re,&lt" The seed &' a war in the crea( &' a 'l&&r*&ard" A st&rm can *egin with the 'lap &' a wing" The tiniest mite pac(s the mightiest sting" E,ery day starts with the tic( &' a cl&c(" All escapes start with the clic( &' a l&c(" I' y&u're stuc( in y&ur st&ry and want t& get &ut) Y&u d&n't ha,e t& cry) y&u d&n't ha,e t& sh&ut 3 'Cause i' y&u're little) y&u can d& a l&t" Y&u Mustn't let a little thing li(e .little. st&p y&u" I' y&u sit ar&und and let them get &n t&p) y&u 6&n't change a thing" @ust *ecause y&u 'ind that li'e's n&t 'air) it D&esn't mean that y&u :ust ha,e t& grin and *ear it" I' y&u always ta(e it &n the chin and wear it) Y&u might as well *e saying y&u thin( that it's &(ay) And that's n&t right" And i' it's n&t right) Y&u ha,e t& put it right " " " ;%he re/enters her *edr&&m and :umps &nt& the *ed"< ut n&*&dy else is g&nna put it right '&r me" N&*&dy *ut me is g&nna change my st&ry" %&metimes y&u ha,e t& *e a little *it naughty! 2atilda lies down and flicks off the light. The vanity rises again, signifying morning. 20 '+02'++3, towel wrapped about his shoulder, enters the bathroom with 2"*#A!L.

MR 6ORM6OOD In *usiness) s&n) a man's hair is his greatest asset" $&&d hair means a g&&d *rain" N&w) the secret t& my success in *usiness is 3 MIC+AE# %ecrets" MR 6ORM6OOD Yes" Yes" %ecrets" The secret t& my success is this" Oil &' 2i&lets hair t&nic '&r men" %tand *ac() s&n! Y&ur &ld man is g&ing t& w&r(" ;#e pulls the towel over his head and starts massaging vigorously<" Oh) yeah" Oh) that's where it's at! Oh) right" That's the *ananas right there" ;#e rips the towel off to reveal that his hair is green.< #et me tell y&u s&mething) s&n" A man in *usiness simply cann&t 'ail t& get n&ticed when he l&&(s li(e this" MIC+AE# %ecrets! 20& '+02'++3 enters and screams. MR% 6ORM6OOD Y&ur hair! It's " " " green! MR 6ORM6OOD $&&d #&rd) w&man) ha,e y&u started already1 It's n&t e,en eight thirty! 2AT"L3A enters from her bedroom. 20 '+02'++3 takes a mirror that 20& '+02'++3 brandishes. MR 6ORM6OOD Oh! My hair is green! MR% 6ORM6OOD 6hat &n earth did y&u d& that '&r1 6hy w&uld y&u want green hair1 MR 6ORM6OOD I d&n't want green hair" I didn't d& anything! MATI#DA May*e y&u used s&me &' mummy's per&=ide *y mista(e" MR% 6ORM6OOD That's e=actly what y&u',e d&ne" Oh) y&u stupid man" MR 6ORM6OOD Oh) my hair! Oh) my l&,ely hair! Oh) my g&&d #&rd" I',e g&t my deal t&day with the Russians" 6hat am I g&nna d&1 MATI#DA

I (n&w" I (n&w what y&u can d&" MR 6ORM6OOD 6hat1 6hat is it1 6hat can I d&1 MATI#DA Y&u can pretend y&u're an el'! MR 6ORM6OOD Yes! That's it! I can pretend I'm an " " " 6hat are y&u tal(ing a*&ut1 Y&u '&&l! The *&y's a l&&ney" 20 '+02'++3 and 2"*#A!L e-it. 20& '+02'++3 brushes past 2AT"L3A with a sound of utter disgust. MATI#DA Mum) w&uld y&u li(e t& hear a st&ry1 MR% 6ORM6OOD D&n't *e disgusting! $& &n" Creep &n *ac( t& that li*rary &' y&urs &r s&mething" The s&&ner y&u're l&c(ed up in that sch&&l) the *etter" 20& '+02'++3 e-its. 2AT"L3A collects her books. The scene changes to the library. 2"&& #+%!/ is browsing the stacks. 20& $#!L$& enters. MR% -+E#-% Matilda! 6hat a pleasure t& see y&u" +ere in the li*rary again) are we1 MATI#DA Yes" I mean) my mum wanted me t& stay at h&me with her" %he hates it when I g& &ut" %he misses me s& much" Dad t&&" +e l&,es ha,ing me ar&und" ut I thin( it's g&&d '&r gr&wn/ups t& ha,e their &wn space" MR% -+E#-% Y&ur parents must *e s& pr&ud t& ha,e a girl as cle,er as y&u" And d& y&u tell them l&ts &' st&ries li(e y&u d& with me1 I l&,e y&ur st&ries) Matilda! And that's n&t a hint) *y the way" ut i' y&u did happen t& ha,e a st&ry y&u wanted t& tell 3 MI%% +ONEY $&&d/*ye) Mrs -helps" %ee y&u ne=t wee(" MR% -+E#-% $&&d/*ye) Miss +&ney" And g&&d luc( with the T&lst&y" 2"&& #+%!/ laughs and e-its down the stairs at the front of the stage. MR% -+E#-% As I was saying) Matilda" I'm n&t hinting) *ut i' y&u did happen t& ha,e a

st&ry y&u wanted 3 MATI#DA 6h& was that1 MR% -+E#-% That lady1 That was Miss +&ney" %he's g&ing t& *e y&ur teacher" MATI#DA That lady1 That lady is my 3 MR% -+E#-% Yes) y&ur teacher" N&w) l&&(" Are y&u g&ing t& tell me a st&ry &r n&t1 MATI#DA Once up&n a time 3 20& $#!L$& screams and e-its. &he re7enters carrying two s(uare blocks, one larger than the other. &he puts down the large block and 2AT"L3A stands on it. 20& $#!L$& retreats to the smaller block and sits down. MATI#DA Once up&n a time) the tw& greatest circus per'&rmers in the w&rld 3 an escap&l&gist wh& c&uld escape 'r&m any l&c( that was e,er in,ented) and an acr&*at wh& was s& s(illed it seemed as i' she c&uld actually 'ly 3 'ell in l&,e) and g&t married" They per'&rmed s&me &' the m&st incredi*le 'eats t&gether any&ne has e,er seen" And pe&ple w&uld c&me 'r&m miles ar&und5 (ings! 0ueens! cele*rities! and astr&nauts! ut n&t :ust t& see their s(ill) *ut als& t& see their l&,e '&r each &ther) which was s& deep that it was said that cats w&uld purr as they passed them) and d&gs w&uld weep with :&y" A model of a grand old house rolls in from the back of the stage. MATI#DA The m&,ed int& a *eauti'ul &ld h&use at the edge &' t&wn) and in the e,enings) they w&uld wal( and ta(e the air" And each night) the children &' the t&wn w&uld wait in anticipati&n) h&ping '&r a glimpse &' the shiny white scar' that the acr&*at always w&re) '&r then they (new that they had &nly t& cry) .Tric(s! Tric(s!. and the great per'&rmers w&uld instantly &*lige with the m&st spectacular sh&w) :ust '&r them" ut alth&ugh they l&,ed each &ther) alth&ugh they were 'am&us and e,ery&ne l&,ed them) they were sad" 2AT"L3A collects two dolls from the house. &he uses them to carry on a conversation. ACRO AT ;off7stage< 6e ha,e e,erything " " "

MATI#DA .6e ha,e e,erything that the w&rld has t& &''er). said the wi'e" E%CA-O#O$I%T ;off7stage< 6e ha,e e,erything " " " MATI#DA . ut we d& n&t ha,e the &ne thing in the w&rld we want m&st". ACRO AT and E%CA-O#O$I%T ;off7stage< ut the &ne thing " " " MATI#DA .6e d& n&t ha,e a child". E%CA-O#O$I%T ;off7stage< -atience) my l&,e" MATI#DA .-atience) my l&,e). the hus*and replied" .Time is &n &ur side" E,en time l&,es us". MR% -+E#-% Oh) Matilda! MATI#DA ut time is the &ne thing n& &ne is master &'" And as time passed) they grew 0uite &ld) and still they had n& child" At night) they listened t& the silence &' their *ig) empty h&use) and they w&uld imagine h&w *eauti'ul it w&uld *e i' it was 'illed with the s&und &' a child playing" MR% -+E#-% Oh) Matilda) this is ,ery sad! MATI#DA D& y&u want me t& st&p1 MR% -+E#-% D&n't y&u dare! MATI#DA Their sadness &,erwhelmed them) and drew them int& e,er m&re danger&us 'eats) as their w&r( *ecame the &nly place they c&uld escape the inescapable tragedy of their lives! And s& it was) they decided t& per'&rm the m&st danger&us 'eat e,er (n&wn t& man! .It is called). said the hus*and) ann&uncing the e,ent t& the w&rld's press) wh& had gathered t& listen with *ated *reath 3 ;The voice of the !&*A$+L+1"&T echoes her words.< 3 .'The urning 6&man) +urling Thr&ugh the Air) with Dynamite in +er +air) &,er %har(s and %pi(y O*:ects) Caught y the Man #&c(ed in a Cage') and it is the

m&st danger&us 'eat e,er (n&wn t& man! A crowd cheers. MATI#DA and ACRO AT ;off stage< .It is &ur destiny 3 . MATI#DA 3 said the wi'e) smiling sadly and slipping her hand int& his" MATI#DA and ACRO AT ;off stage< .It is where the l&neliness &' li'e has led us". 2AT"L3A pauses for several moments, holding the dolls in front of her contemplatively. MR% -+E#-% 6ell) what happens1! MATI#DA I " " " I d&n't (n&w" N&t yet) anyway" MR% -+E#-% 6hat1 ut I " " " Isn't there s&me m&re1 I mean " " " 6ell) I supp&se y&ur m&ther will *e waiting '&r y&u" Is she here1 I'd l&,e t& meet her) actually 3 2AT"L3A grabs her books and runs off the front of the stage. MATI#DA ye) Mrs -helps! %ee y&u t&m&rr&w! MR% -+E#-% A'ter y&ur 'irst day &' sch&&l! 20& $#!L$& e-its as a siren wails and the scene changes to *runchem #all Academy. A large iron gate made of s(uare holes of various sizes rolls in from both sides of the stage. 2AT"L3A5s classmates enter hesitantly from the front of the stage. NI$E# My mummy says I'm a miracle " " " TOMMY My daddy says I'm his special little " " " guy " " " #A2ENDER I am a princess " " " ERIC And I am a prince " " "

B"1 8"3& enter menacingly behind the gate. A#ICE Mum says I'm an angel " " " AMANDA Mum says I'm an angel " " " NI$E# Mum says I'm an angel " " " B"1 8"3& approach and start climbing onto the gate and grabbing the *#"L30!% from behind it. I$ AID% And s& y&u thin( y&u're a*le T& sur,i,e this mess *y *eing a prince &r a princess" Y&u will s&&n see there's n& escaping tragedy" And e,en i' y&u put in heaps &' e''&rt) Y&u're :ust wasting energy) 'Cause y&ur li'e as y&u (n&w it is ancient hist&ry" I ha,e su''ered in this :ail" +a,e *een trapped inside this cage '&r ages) This li,ing 'ell" ut i' I try I can remem*er) ac( *e'&re my li'e had ended) e'&re my happy days were &,er) e'&re I 'irst heard the pealing &' the *ell" #i(e y&u) I was curi&us) %& inn&cent I as(ed a th&usand 0uesti&ns" ut unless y&u want t& su''er) listen up And I will teach y&u a thing &r tw&" Y&u listen here) my dear) Y&u'll *e punished s& se,erely i' y&u step &ut &' line" And i' y&u cry it will *e d&u*le" Y&u sh&uld stay &ut &' tr&u*le And remem*er t& *e e=tremely care'ul" NI$E# 6hy1 I$ AID% 6hy1 I$ AID ;B!%< 6hy1 Did y&u hear what he said1 I$ AID%

@ust y&u wait '&r phys/ed! C+I#DREN 6hat's phys/ed1 I$ AID% -hysical educati&n! I$ AID ;B!%< It's the Trunch*ull's speciality" The *#"L30!% reach out from behind the gate as the B"1 8"3& carry them away. A#ICE My mummy says I'm a miracle" Ahh! R!CE My daddy says I w&uld *e the teacher's pet! Ahh! #A2ENDER %ch&&l is really 'un) acc&rding t& my mum" Ahh! AMANDA and ERIC Dad said I'd learn the alpha*et! I$ AID ;B!%< The alpha*et1 Y&u',e g&tta learn t& listen up) (id" Two B"1 8"3& start climbing on the gate, flanking alphabet blocks as they are are pushed through the gate when they are mentioned in the song. O#DER AID% And s& y&u thin( y&u're A/*le T& sur,i,e this mess *y Being a prince &r a princess" Y&u will s&&n BCC see there's n& escaping trageDy" And E,en i' y&u put in heaps &' eF'&rt) Y&u're :ust wasting enerGy) 'Cause y&ur li'e as y&u (n&w it is .aitcH./ent hist&ry" I ha,e su''ered in this Jail) I',e *een trapped inside this BKC cage '&r ages) This li,ing 'eLl" ut i' I try I can remeM*er) ac( *e'&re my li'e had eNded) e'&re my happy days were O,er) e'&re I 'irst heard the Pealing &' the *ell"

#i(e y&u) I was BQC curi&us) %& inn&cent I BRC as(ed a th&usand 0uesti&ns) ut unleSs y&u want t& su''er) listen up And I will Teach y&u a thing &r tw&" Y&U listen here) my dear) Y&u'll *e punished s& seVerely i' y&u step &ut &' line" And i' y&u cry it will *e BWC d&u*le" Y&u sh&uld stay &ut &' tr&u*le) And remem*er t& *e eXtremely care'ul" ERIC 6hY1 I$ AID% 6hy1 I$ AID ;B!%< 6hy1 6hy1 Did y&u hear what we said1 The gate rolls away. 3esks rise from the ground and a blackboard makes its way from the back of the stage. ,pon the blackboard is written the alphabet. I$ AID% @ust y&u wait '&r phys/ed! @ust y&u wait '&r phys/ed" A) I$ AID% and C+I#DREN ) C) D) E) ?) $) +) I) @) A) #) M) N) O) -) >) R) %) T) !) 2) 6) D" C+I#DREN 6hy) why) why) why) why) why) why1 A spotlight makes its way across the letters on the board, finally settling at the end on the letter 9. I$ AID% @ust y&u wait '&r phy/Zed! The B"1 8"3& e-it and 2"&& #+%!/ enters. MI%% +ONEY $&&d m&rning) children! My name is Miss +&ney" And t&day is a ,ery special day5 y&ur 'irst day &' sch&&l! N&w) d& any &' y&u (n&w any &' y&ur tw& times ta*les1 2AT"L3A raises her hand. MI%% +ONEY 6&nder'ul" Matilda) isn't it1 -lease) stand) and d& as much as y&u can"

MATI#DA One times tw& is tw&" Tw& times tw& is '&ur" Three times tw& is si=" ?&ur times tw& is eight" ?i,e times tw& is ten" %i= times tw& is twel,e" %e,en times tw& is '&urteen" Eight times tw& is si=teen" Nine times tw& is eighteen" Ten times tw& is twenty" Ele,en times tw& is twenty/tw&" Twel,e times tw& is twenty/'&ur" MI%% +ONEY 6ell) my w&rd " " " MATI#DA Thirteen times tw& is twenty/si=" ?&urteen times tw& is twenty/eight" ?i'teen times tw& is thirty" %i=teen times tw& is thirty/tw&" MI%% +ONEY %t&p" %t&p! $&&d hea,ens" +&w 'ar can y&u g&1 MATI#DA I d&n't (n&w" >uite a l&ng way) I thin(" MI%% +ONEY D& y&u thin( y&u c&uld tell me what tw& times twenty/eight is1 MATI#DA ?i'ty/si=" MI%% +ONEY" Yes" Yes! That is ,3 " " " +&w a*&ut this" N&w) this is much harder) s& d&n't w&rry i' y&u d&n't get it" Tw& times " " " '&ur hundred and eighty/se,en" I' y&u t&&( y&ur time 3 MATI#DA Nine hundred and se,enty/'&ur" MI%% +ONEY Twel,e se,ens1 MATI#DA Eighty/'&ur" C+I#DREN N& way! ;They start chattering.< MI%% +ONEY #et's lea,e maths '&r the time *eing " " " and l&&( at reading" N&w) can any&ne read this1 ;&he underlines the sentence on the board.< 2AT"L3A, LA6!%3!0, and %"1!L raise their hands.

NI$E# O&h) me) me) me) miss! I can! Me) me) me) me" MI%% +ONEY 2ery well" Nigel" %"1!L leans forward in concentration and groans in agony several times. #e screams and turns around, hitting !0"*5s cap against !0"*5s desk. #e bites the cap, screaming through his teeth. MI%% +ONEY hurries t& pull the cap 'r&m NI$E#'s m&uth" MI%% +ONEY O(ay" Yes) yes" I thin( we'd *etter lea,e it there) Nigel" 6e d&n't want t& *urst a *l&&d ,essel &n y&ur 'irst day" #a,ender1 #A2ENDER Is the 'irst w&rd " " " .t&mat&.1 N&" MI%% +ONEY ut the .t&mat&. is a ,ery g&&d w&rd" #A2ENDER Yesss! MI%% +ONEY Matilda1 MATI#DA .I can n&w read w&rds". MI%% +ONEY %&) Matilda" Y&u can read w&rds" MATI#DA Yes" 6ell) I needed t& learn t& read w&rds s& that I c&uld read sentences" ecause *asically a sentence is :ust a *ig *unch &' w&rds" And i' y&u can't read sentences) y&u',e g&t n& chance with *&&(s" 2"&& #+%!/ *ec(&ns MATI#DA t& the *ac( &' the class" MI%% +ONEY And " " " ha,e y&u read a wh&le *&&(1 Y&ursel') Matilda1 MATI#DA Oh) yes" M&re than &ne" I l&,e *&&(s" #ast wee() I read 0uite a 'ew" MI%% +ONEY A 'ew! In " " " in " " " in a wee(" My) my) that is g&&d" Er) what *&&(s did y&u read1

MATI#DA %icholas %ickleby " " " +liver Twist " " " :ane !yre " " " Tess of the 35urbervilles " " " The Lord of the 0ings " " " 8im " " " The "nvisible 2an " " " The &ecret 1arden " " " *rime and $unishment " " " and " " " *at in the #at! The school bell rings and all the children march out. The desks descend into the ground. 2"&& T0,%*#B,LL5s office, complete with her in a high7backed chair ;facing the back of the stage< is wheeled in. 2"&& #+%!/ faces the audience and raises her fist. MI%% +ONEY An&c( &n the d&&r) @enny" @ust (n&c( &n the d&&r" D&n't *e pathetic! An&c( &n the d&&r) @enny" There's n&thing t& 'ear" Y&u're *eing pathetic! It's :ust a d&&r" Y&u',e seen &ne *e'&re" @ust (n&c( &n the d&&r" #&&( at y&u trying t& hide) silly" %tanding &utside the principal's &''ice li(e a little girl" It's :ust pathetic! Oh! Right" #&&( at y&u hesitating" +and's sha(ing" Y&u sh&uld *e em*arrassed" Y&u're n&t a little girl" It's :ust pathetic" An&c( &n the d&&r) @enny" 6hat are y&u waiting '&r1 @ust (n&c( &n the d&&r " " " -erhaps I'll wait" %he's pr&*a*ly ha,ing a meeting &r s&mething and w&n't want t& *e interrupted" I' anything) cauti&n in these situati&ns is sensi*le" One sh&uld a,&id c&n'r&ntati&n when p&ssi*le" I'll c&me *ac( later) then" ut this little girl " " " This miracle " " " An&c( &n the d&&r) @enny" @ust (n&c( &n the d&&r" D&n't *e pathetic! 2"&& #+%!/ knocks three times and winces. MI%% TR!NC+ !## Enter! 2"&& #+%!/ turns and sees 2"&& T0,%*#B,LL watching various video screens playing footage of her +lympic games while an announcer narrates dimly in the background. &he stands paralyzed in fear. MI%% TR!NC+ !##

D&n't :ust stand there li(e a wet tissue" $et &n with it" MI%% +ONEY Yes" Yes" Yes) Miss Trunch*ull" There's) erm " " " In " " " In " " " In my class) that is) er) there is a little girl called Matilda 6&rmw&&d" And 3 MI%% TR!NC+ !## Daughter &' Mr +arry 6&rmw&&d wh& &wns 6&rmw&&d M&turs" E=cellent man" T&ld me t& watch &ut '&r the *rat) th&ughE says she's a real wart" MI%% +ONEY Oh n&) +eadmistress" I d&n't *elie,e Matilda's that (ind &' child at all" 2"&& T0,%*#B,LL turns off the screens with a remote and wheels around, holding a magnifying glass. MI%% TR!NC+ !## 6hat is the sch&&l m&tt&) Miss +&ney1 MI%% +ONEY . am*inatum est magitum". MI%% TR!NC+ !## . am*inatum est magitum". Children are magg&ts! In 'act) it must ha,e *een her wh& put that stin( *&m* under my des( this m&rning" I'll ha,e her '&r that" Than( y&u '&r suggesting it" ;&he turns the screens back on.< MI%% +ONEY ut I didn't " " " 1 Miss Trunch*ull) Matilda 6&rmw&&d is a genius! MI%% TR!NC+ !## N&nsense" +a,en't I :ust t&ld y&u that she is a gangster1 MI%% +ONEY %he (n&ws her times ta*les" MI%% TR!NC+ !## %& she's learned a 'ew tric(s" MI%% +ONEY Oh) *ut she can read! MI%% TR!NC+ !## %& can I! MI%% +ONEY I ha,e t& tell y&u) +eadmistress) that in " " " in " " " in my &pini&n) this little girl sh&uld *e placed in the t&p '&rm with the ele,en/year/&lds! MI%% TR!NC+ !##

6hat1 ;&he flicks the screens off again.< ut she is a s0ui*" A shrimp" An unhatched tadp&le" 6e cann&t simply place her in the t&p '&rm with the ele,en/year/&lds" 6hat (ind &' s&ciety w&uld that *e1 6hat a*&ut rules) +&ney1 Rules1 MI%% +ONEY I *elie,e that " " " Matilda 6&rmw&&d is an e=cepti&n " " " t& the rules" MI%% TR!NC+ !## An e=cepti&n" T& the rules" In my sch&&l1 #&&( at these tr&phies" %ee h&w my tr&phies gleam in the sunlight1 %ee h&w they shine1 6hat d& y&u thin( it t&&( t& *ec&me English +ammer Thr&wing Champi&n 4FGF1 ;%he stands and appr&aches MI%% +ONEY menacingly) t&wering &,er her"< D& y&u thin( in that m&ment) when my *ig m&ment came) That I treated the rules with casual disdain1 6ell1 #i(e hell! As I stepped up t& the circle) did I change my plan1 +m1 6hat1 As a chal(ed up my palms) did I wa,e my hands1 I did n&t! As I started my spin) did I l&&( at the ,iew1 Did I dri't &'' and dream '&r a minute &r tw&1 D& y&u thin( I 'altered &r amended my r&tati&n1 D& y&u thin( I altered my intended ele,ati&n1 As the hammer t&&( &'') did I change my grunt ?r&m the grunt I had practiced '&r many a m&nth1 N&t a :&t! N&t a d&t did I stray 'r&m the pl&t" N&t a detail &' my thr&w was ad:usted &r '&rg&tten" N&t e,en when the hammer le't my hands And sailed high up) up a*&,e the stands Did I let mysel' g&" N&) n&) n&) n& ;ad lib.< ;&he turns and walks back to her desk. &he daintily reaches up and captures a figurine of a woman throwing the hammer.< I' y&u want t& thr&w the hammer '&r y&ur c&untry) Y&u ha,e t& stay inside the circle all the time" ;%he murmurs al&ng t& the music"< And i' y&u want t& ma(e the team) Y&u d&n't need happiness &r sel'/esteem"

Y&u :ust need t& (eep y&ur 'eet inside the line" ;%he presses an interc&m &n her des("< %ing) children" Tw&) three) '&ur" *#"L30!% and B"1 8"3& appear in the bo-es to the upper left and upper right of the stage and sing. MI%% TR!NC+ !## and C+I#DREN I' y&u want t& thr&w the hammer '&r y&ur c&untry" I$ AID% am*inatum est magitum" MI%% TR!NC+ !## and C+I#DREN Y&u ha,e t& stay inside the circle 3 MI%% TR!NC+ !## 3 all the time" I$ AID% Circulum) maggitum) maggitum" MI%% TR!NC+ !## And i' y&u want t& teach success) Y&u d&n't use sympathy &r tenderness" C+I#DREN and I$ AID% Tenderness" MI%% TR!NC+ !## Y&u ha,e t& '&rce the little s0uits t& t&e the line! ;%he gra*s a *at&n with a yell&w ri**&n attached t& it and starts twirling t& the music"< %ing) @enny! Tw&) three) '&ur! MI%% +ONEY) I$ AID%) and C+I#DREN I' y&u want t& thr&w the hammer '&r y&ur c&untry) am*inatum! I$ AID% am*inatum! $l&ria Magitum!

MI%% +ONEY) I$ AID%) and C+I#DREN Y&u ha,e t& stay inside the circle all the time" I$ AID% Circulum est Deus! Deus! MI%% TR!NC+ !## Apply :ust &ne simple rule

T& hammer thr&wing) li'e) and sch&&l 3 #i'e's a *all) s& learn t& thr&w it) ?ind the *ally line and t&e it) And always (eep y&ur 'eet inside the line! ;%he thr&ws the *at&n acr&ss the stage) d&es a :etH t& catch it) and p&ints her 'inger at MI%% +ONEY"< N&w get &ut" 2"&& T0,%*#B,LL carries the ribbon back to her desk and sits down. &he starts the video screens playing again. MI%% +ONEY I ha,e t& tell y&u) +eadmistress) that it is my intenti&n t& help this little girl" 6hether y&u li(e it &r n&t" 2"&& #+%!/ e-its off the front of the stage. The scene changes to the 'ormwood5s living room. 20& '+02'++3 and 2"*#A!L down sit in armchairs. 2AT"L3A sits down reading a book. 20 '+02'++3 paces the stage. MR 6ORM6OOD %tupid) nasty) stin(ing) slimy " " " $reat) *ig) 0uesti&n/as(ing " " " +&w dare they spea( t& me li(e that! 6h& the hell d& they thin( they are1 ?lipping) 'ilthy) nasty) stupid Russians! MR% 6ORM6OOD D&n't tell me" 6e're n&t rich" MR 6ORM6OOD It's the mileage" They t&&( &ne l&&( at the mileage &n the 'irst car and they said that these cars were all (nac(ered" I t&ld them) I said) .+ey" The reas&n the mileage is s& high is a manu'acturing mista(e". MATI#DA Is that true1 MR 6ORM6OOD O' c&urse it's n&t true" MATI#DA %& y&u lied1 MR 6ORM6OOD O' c&urse I lied! MATI#DA And they didn't *elie,e y&u1 MR 6ORM6OOD

O' c&urse they didn't *elie,e me5 I',e g&t 3 green 3 hair! MIC+AE# I',e g&t hair" 20 '+02'++3 runs over and grabs 2AT"L3A5s book. MR 6ORM6OOD 6hat's this1 An&ther 'laming *&&(1 6hat's wr&ng with the telly1 MR% 6ORM6OOD %he's g&t n& respect) that &ne" 6ith her) it's all .*&&(s. and .st&ries." MATI#DA Oh) n&) it's a l&,ely *&&(" +&nest" Y&u sh&uld read it" I'm sure y&u'd 3 MR 6ORM6OOD .#&,ely.1 +ere's what I thin( &' y&ur l&,ely 3 ;#e starts pulling at the book as though to tear it apart.< MATI#DA N&) it's a li*rary *&&(! It's 'r&m the li*rary! MR% 6ORM6OOD Y&u sh&w the little *rat! $& &n) then! 20 '+02'++3 is having a lot of trouble with the book, even putting his foot on it and pulling at it. MR 6ORM6OOD Oh) this is thic(! +&w d& y&u d& this1 C&me &n! )inally, he grabs an individual page in glee. MR 6ORM6OOD #&&( what I',e :ust '&und! #&&( at that! They're indi,idual! #e rips out several pages and throws them dramatically on the ground. MR 6ORM6OOD N&w) get &ut &' here) y&u little stin( w&rm! ;to 2"*#A!L< $et up) *&y" 2"*#A!L gets up and 20 '+02'++3 sits down on his recliner. 2"*#A!L sits on his lap. 20 '+02'++3 tickles him and 2"*#A!L laughs suddenly, then falls back into his normal dull e-pression. 2AT"L3A collects the remains of her book. MATI#DA D& we ha,e any super glue1

MR 6ORM6OOD In the cup*&ard" And) while y&u're at it) why d&n't y&u stic( y&ur stupid *&&( t& y&ur stupid head1 The 'ormwoods laugh. Their furniture is wheeled off the stage and a hat rack with 20 '+02'++35s hat and an umbrella is brought center stage. 2AT"L3A opens a cupboard at the front of the stage. MATI#DA @ust *ecause y&u 'ind that li'e's n&t 'air) it D&esn't mean that y&u :ust ha,e t& grin and *ear it" I' y&u always ta(e it &n the chin and wear it) N&thing will change" ;%he puts the *&&( in the cup*&ard and hurries t& the hat rac( with a *&ttle reading .s&&per gl&&." %he uses the um*rella t& *ring d&wn the hat and starts lining it with glue"< E,en i' y&u're little) y&u can d& a l&t" Y&u Mustn't let a little thing li(e .little. st&p y&u" I' y&u sit ar&und and let them get &n t&p) y&u Might as well *e saying y&u thin( that it's &(ay) And that's n&t right! 2AT"L3A hides the glue behind her back as 20 '+02'++3 enters. &he holds the hat out to him. #e takes it and s(uashes it firmly down onto his head. MR 6ORM6OOD I',e g&t my eye &n y&u) *&y" MATI#DA I'm a girl! 20 '+02'++3 e-its. The hat rack is taken away. *#"L30!% and B"1 8"3& run in, creating pandemonium. !ventually, they (uieten down, but LA6!%3!0 continues to =ump up in down ne-t to 2AT"L3A, who is reading. #A2ENDER Matilda1 Can I as( y&u a 0uesti&n1 D& all th&se *rains in y&ur head gi,e y&u a headache1 I mean) it's g&t t& hurt) all s0uished in there" MATI#DA N&) it's 'ine" I thin( they :ust 3 'it" #A2ENDER Right" 6ell) I'd *etter hang ar&und :ust in case" I' they start t& s0ueeeeIe &ut &' y&ur ears) y&u're g&ing t& need help" ;&he holds her hand out to 2AT"L3A, who takes it.< I'm #a,ender) and I thin( it's pr&*a*ly '&r the *est i' we're *est

'riends! %"1!L runs in up the steps stage left, screaming. NI$E# +ide me! %&me&ne p&ured a wh&le can &' syrup &nt& Trunch*ull's chair" %he sat d&wn) and when she g&t up " " " her (nic(ers stayed stuc( t& the seat! %&me&ne t&ld her I did it) *ut I ne,er! And n&w she's a'ter me! MATI#DA That's n&t 'air! That's n&t 'air at all! I$ AID Y&u're d&ne) (id" Y&u're 3 I$ AID% ?inished! I$ AID ;0/A%< Once Agatha Trunch*ull decides y&u're guilty) y&u're 3 I$ AID% %0uished! I$ AID ;TA2"8A< Yesterday) she caught @ulius R&ttwin(le eating a g&*st&pper during science" %he :ust pic(ed him up) swung him ar&und) and threw him &ut the 3 I$ AID% 6ind&w! MATI#DA D&n't listen t& them" That didn't happen" They're trying t& scare us" NI$E# Oh) Matilda! They say she's g&ing t& put me in Ch&(ey! MATI#DA 6hat " " " 6hat's Ch&(ey1 NI$E# They say it's a cup*&ard in her &''ice that she thr&ws children int&" They say she's lined it with nails) and spi(es) and *its &' *r&(en glass" I$ AID% There's a place y&u are sent i' y&u ha,en't *een g&&d) I$ AID ; EN< And it's made &' spi(es and w&&d"

I$ AID% And it isn't wide en&ugh t& sit" I$ AID ;TAY#OR< And e,en i' y&u c&uld) I$ AID% There are nails &n the *&tt&m) I$ AID ;TA/L+0< %& y&u wish y&u'd 3 I$ AID% %t&&d! 6hen the hinges crea( and the d&&r is cl&sed) Y&u cann&t see s0uat 3 I$ AID ;TAMIAA< N&t the end &' y&ur n&se" I$ AID% And when y&u scream) y&u d&n't (n&w i' the s&und came &ut) Or i' the scream in y&ur head e,en reached y&ur m&uth! Auuurrrgh! 2AT"L3A gazes at their dramatic display non7chalantly and holds out a palm to them. MATI#DA All right" ;to %igel< 6hen did this happen1 NI$E# Twenty minutes ag&" ut) why1

)rom offstage, 2"&& T0,%*#B,LL blows on her whistle. NI$E# Oh) n&) she's c&ming! MATI#DA Y&u'd *etter hide! >uic() :ac(ets! %"1!L lies down on the ground. The *#"L30!% and B"1 8"3& take off their blazers and throw them on top of him. They line up at the back of the stage. 2"&& T0,%*#B,LL runs in, blowing on her whistle, and chases !0"* down until he is pulled into formation by two B"1 8"3&. MI%% TR!NC+ !## ;to 2AT"L3A< Y&u! 6here is the magg&t (n&wn as Nigel1

MATI#DA +e's &,er there) under th&se c&ats" The *#"L30!% and B"1 8"3& hang their heads. 2"&& T0,%*#B,LL walks heavily toward the coats. MATI#DA 6here he's *een '&r the last h&ur) actually" MI%% TR!NC+ !## 6hat1 An h&ur1 MATI#DA Oh) yes" Y&u see) un'&rtunately) Nigel su''ers 'r&m the rare) *ut chr&nic sleep dis&rder) narc&lepsy" The c&nditi&n is characterised *y the su''erer e=periencing *&uts &' chr&nic 'atigue) and 'alling suddenly asleep) &'ten with&ut (n&wing) &r any warning at all" Y&u see) he 'ell asleep) and we put him under the c&ats '&r sa'ety" Didn't we1 Didn't we1! C+I#DREN and I$ AID% Yes! I$ AID ;0/A%< Narc&l&psy! MATI#DA +e'll pr&*a*ly thin( he's in *ed when he wa(es up" %"1!L sits up, yawning and stretching. NI$E# Is it time '&r sch&&l yet) mum1 +ell&! 6hat am d&ing here1 6ell) this isn't my r&&m at all! Oh) hell&) Miss Trunch*ull" Angrily, 2"&& T0,%*#B,LL looks from %"1!L to 2AT"L3A and back. MI%% TR!NC+ !## Amanda Thripp" The *#"L30!% and B"1 8"3& step back, leaving A2A%3A in a spotlight. AMANDA Yes) Miss Trunch*ull1 MI%% TR!NC+ !## 6hat ha,e I t&ld y&u a*&ut wearing pigtails1 I hate pigtails! 2"&& T0,%*#B,LL hurries over to A2A%3A. The B"1 8"3& and *#"L30!% scurry away.

AMANDA ut my mummy li(es them! %he says they ma(e me l&&( pretty! MI%% TR!NC+ !## Then y&ur mummy is a twit! 2"&& T0,%*#B,LL grabs A2A%3A by the pigtails and swings her around and around. The stage goes black. 'hen lights come up again, A2A%3A is gone. The B"1 8"3& and *#"L30!% take up various positions around the stage and audience, pointing in every which way. The announcer from 2"&& T0,%*#B,LL5s videos starts commentating. )lashbulbs go off. A spotlight searches the theater. All the while, A2A%3A5s screams get louder. I$ AID +ere she c&mes! "A2A%3A" drops from the rafters above the audience into a pile of coats underneath her. A2A%3A stands up and screams in triumph. 2"&& T0,%*#B,LL flails victoriously, then starts blowing her whistle. The *#"L30!% and B"1 8"3& line up again. MI%% TR!NC+ !## ;to 2AT"L3A< Y&u! 6hat is y&ur name1 MATI#DA Matilda" Matilda 6&rmw&&d" MI%% TR!NC+ !## %& y&u're 6&rmw&&d) are y&u1 I might ha,e (n&wn" 6ell) Matilda 6&rmw&&d" Y&u ha,e :ust made a ,ery *ig mista(e" ;3aintily, straightening her collar, 2"&& T0,%*#B,LL e-its off the front of the stage.< #A2ENDER @ust s& y&u all (n&w) she's my *est 'riend! I$ AID% and C+I#DREN 6&w! B"1 8"3& and *#"L30!% run off. &pangly ribbons are strung across the stage. 20 '+02'++3 enters with a lackey, who sits on a tyre behind him. The lackey is wearing a shirt that reads "'ormwood 2oturs". MR 6ORM6OOD rand new st&c() sir! Oh) yes" C&mpletely di''erent cars) sir" $reen hair1 Yeah) it was) er 3 ;#e gestures to the lackey.< 3 Nati&nal $reen +air Day! A cele*rati&n &' all the w&nder'ul green things in the w&rld) li(e) er) &h) li(e lettuce) and sn&t" T&m&rr&w at &ne1 A*s&lutely) sir! Yeah" ye/*ye) sir" D&s,ed&&/dah" ;#e throws the phone to the lackey.< N&w) that is h&w y&u d& it! ;#e tries and fails to pull his hat off, tugging on it several times.< +at

seems t& *e) er " " " ;#e stomps and crouches on the floor, pulling at his hat and making sounds of e-ertion. #e flails around the stage.< Oh) my head! ;#e finally gives up and straightens up casually.< I thin( I'm g&nna (eep this &n" #&&(s li(e rain" 20 '+02'++3 grabs his suitcase and e-its along with the lackey. The scene changes to the 'ormwood5s living room. 20& '+02'++3 has her leg raised up and 0,3+L$#+ is holding it against his back. 2"&& #+%!/ enters and knocks. MR% 6ORM6OOD 6h& is it1 MI%% +ONEY Oh) er) hell&" It's Miss +&ney" Matilda's teacher1 MR% 6ORM6OOD it *usy right n&w! MI%% +ONEY Oh) it will &nly ta(e a m&ment" MR% 6ORM6OOD Oh) c&me in i' y&u must" 2"&& #+%!/ enters and turns away in shock. MR% 6ORM6OOD This is Rud&lph&! Oh) it's n&thing li(e that" +e's my dance partner" 6e're rehearsing" 0,3+L$#+ saunters over and holds his arm out to 2"&& #+%!/. R!DO#-+O Cia&" MI%% +ONEY Oh) parle Italian&1 Cia&) Rud&lph&" -iacelli" C&me stai1 R!DO#-+O 6&t1 6h& is this) *a*e1 Y&u (n&w what interrupti&ns d& t& my energy 'l&w" ;#e sits down in a zen position.< MR% 6ORM6OOD 6hat d& y&u want) Miss Chutney1 MI%% +ONEY Oh) it's Miss +&ney" Erm) well) as y&u (n&w) Matilda is in the *&tt&m class" And " " " And children in the *&tt&m class aren't really e=pected t& read"

MR% 6ORM6OOD 6ell) then st&p her reading! #&rd (n&ws we',e tried" 0,3+L$#+ dances across the back of the stage. R!DO#-+O I'm in the I&ne) d&ll! I can 'eel it in my hips" D&n't waste this" ;#e slides down on his thighs stage left.< MR% 6ORM6OOD #&&(" I'm n&t in 'a,&r &' girls getting all cle,er/pants) Miss +ussy" A girl sh&uld thin( a*&ut ma(e/up and hair dye" #&&(s are m&re imp&rtant than *&&(s" N&w) l&&( at y&u) and l&&( at me" Y&u ch&se *&&(s" I ch&se l&&(s! R!DO#-+O a*es) I'm &n 'ire) here! -lease! ;#e dances backwards and 20& '+02'++3 follows along.< MI%% +ONEY ut Matilda can calculate c&mplicated 'igures in her head in an instant! R!DO#-+O Calculate this! ;#e does a split in front of 2"&& #+%!/.< MR% 6ORM6OOD ?antastic&! MI%% +ONEY +er mind is incredi*le" 6ith a little help 'r&m us) she c&uld g& t& uni,ersity *e'&re she 3 MR% 6ORM6OOD 2ind> +er mind1 Y&u really d&n't (n&w anything) d& y&u1 %&mewhere al&ng the way) my dear) Y&u',e made an aw'ul err&r" Y&u &ughtn't *lame y&ursel' n&w) c&me al&ng" Y&u seem t& thin( that pe&ple li(e pe&ple what are cle,er" It's ,ery 0uaint) it's ,ery sweet) ut wr&ng" -e&ple d&n't li(e smarty/pants what g& 'r&und Claiming that they (n&w stu'' we d&n't (n&w" N&w) here's a tip5 6hat y&u (n&w matters less Than the ,&lume with which what y&u d&n't (n&w's e=pressed" C&ntent has ne,er *een less imp&rtant) s& Y&u ha,e g&t t& *e #O!D!

$irl) y&u',e g&tta learn t& stand up and stic( &ut 'r&m the Cr&wd! A little less 'lat) a l&t m&re heel" A little less 'act) a l&t m&re 'eel" A little less *rains) a l&t m&re hair" A little less head) a l&t m&re derriere" ;%he gets &n all '&urs as R!DO#-+O rides her li(e a h&rse"< 6h&a! Neigh! 0,3+L$#+ starts dancing with and carrying around 2"&& #+%!/, which he continues to do throughout the song. 2"&& #+%!/, dazed, follows the dance as best she can. MR% 6ORM6OOD N& &ne's g&nna tell y&u when t& sha(e y&ur tush" 6ell) y&u g&t a light" D&n't hide it under a *ushel" N& &ne's g&ing t& l&&( i' y&u d&n't stand &ut" N& &ne's g&ing t& listen i' y&u d&n't sh&ut" N& &ne's g&nna care i' y&u d&n't care) %& g& and put s&me highlights in y&ur hair" 'Cause y&u',e g&tta highlight what y&u g&t" E,en i' what y&u g&t is n&t a l&t" Y&u g&tta *e l&ud! Y&u g&tta gi,e y&ursel' permissi&n t& shine" T& stand up and *e pr&ud! 6hee! A little less III) a l&t m&re Iing" A little less shh) a l&t m&re schwing" A little less dressing li(e y&ur mum" A little m&re *ah/da) *a *a *a/da *&m! ;&he takes a mirror from the armchair.< Oh) I l&&( nice" ;to 2"&& #+%!/< Y&u d&n't! N& &ne's g&nna tell y&u when t& wiggle y&ur *um*a" R!DO#-+O N& &ne's g&nna l&,e y&u i' y&u d&n't (n&w the rum*a" MR% 6ORM6OOD E,ery*&dy l&,es a little s&mething e=&tic" R!DO#-+O ut learning a language is &,er the t&p 3 MR% 6ORM6OOD It d&esn't really matter i' y&u d&n't (n&w much!

R!DO#-+O As l&ng as y&u d&nJt (n&w it with the ,&lume up" 20& '+02'++3 puts a number on 0,3+L$#+5s back as though they are competing in a dancing competition. MR% 6ORM6OOD and R!DO#-+O The less y&u ha,e t& sell) the harder y&u sell it" The less y&u ha,e t& say) the l&uder y&u yell it" The dum*er the act) the *igger the c&n'essi&n" The less y&u ha,e t& sh&w) the l&uder y&u dress it" 0,3+L$#+ whips off 20& '+02'++35s skirt to reveal a shorter skirt made of tassels beneath it. MR% 6ORM6OOD and R!DO#-+O Y&u g&tta get up! Y&u g&tta get up and *e l&ud! A table with the word "*ontest" emblazoned on the side is wheeled in. )our =udges in outrageous costumes sit behind it. @!D$E Y&ur :udges! Two other dancing teams come in and =oin 20& '+02'++3 and 0,3+L$#+ in the competition. They dance to the same routine until 20& '+02'++3 and 0,3+L$#+ overtake them with more complicated choreography. MR% 6ORM6OOD I'm the *est! I'm the *est! I'm the *est! Three =udges hold up signs reading "4?" as 20& '+02'++3 sits on the table. &he holds up the final "4?". MR% 6ORM6OOD Ten! O' c&urse! I mean) what else1 Y&u g&tta *e l&ud! %tand &ut 'r&m the cr&wd! Are y&u listening1 Y&u g&tta *e l&ud! %tand up and *e pr&ud! ACA$RO!ND %IN$ER% #&ud) l&ud) l&ud) l&ud! #&ud) l&ud) l&ud) l&ud! #&ud) l&ud) l&ud) l&ud!

MR% 6ORM6OOD Y&u g&tta *e l&ud! The other dancers and =udges e-it, leaving 20& '+02'++3 and 0,3+L$#+ in a dramatic position. They then saunter off. 2"&& #+%!/ is left in a pile stage right. MI%% +ONEY %t&p *eing pathetic) @enny" @ust get &n y&ur 'eet) @enny" Y&u are g&ing t& march in there and gi,e them a piece &' y&ur mind" #ea,e it al&ne) @enny" The m&re that y&u try) The m&re y&u'll :ust l&&( li(e a '&&l" This it n&t y&ur pr&*lem" Y&u',e n&t g&t the spine" Y&u are a teacher" @ust g& *ac( t& sch&&l! ut this little girl " " " This miracle " " " %he seems n&t t& (n&w that she's special at all" And what s&rt &' teacher w&uld I *e I' I let this little girl 'all1 I can see This little girl needs s&me*&dy str&ng t& 'ight *y her side" Instead) she's '&und me" -athetic) little me" And an&ther d&&r cl&ses" And @enny's &utside" 2"&& #+%!/ e-its behind the stacks as the library scene rolls in. 20& $#!L$& is sitting on a block and 2AT"L3A is standing on one, holding the two dolls. MATI#DA And s&) the great day arri,ed! It was li(e the entire w&rld had gathered t& see The urning 6&man) +urling Thr&ugh the Air) with Dynamite in +er +air) O,er %har(s and %pi(y O*:ects) Caught y the Man #&c(ed in a Cage" E,erything was arranged *y 3 ;&he pulls her coat over her head to simulate a hunchback, and grabs a large book.< 3 the Acr&*at's sister) a 'rightening w&man wh& used t& *e an Olympic/class hammer/thr&wer) wh& l&,ed n&thing *etter than t& scare the children &' the t&wn" -e&ple whispered that in her dar( and *r&&ding heart) she resented the sister) *&th her success and her l&,e" The !&*A$+L+1"&T starts to walk in from the back of the stage. #e stands up on a block. MATI#DA %uddenly) &ut came the Escap&l&gist) dressed as usual in his tights and spangly c&stume" ut there was n& sign &' the Acr&*at) and n& glimpse at all &' her shiny white scar'" And instead &' a musical 'an'are) there was silence) as he s&lemnly str&de int& the r&&m" MATI#DA and E%CA-O#O$I%T

#adies and gentlemen! &ys and girls! The urning 6&man) +urling Thr&ugh the Air) with Dynamite in +er +air) O,er %har(s and %pi(y O*:ects) Caught y the Man #&c(ed in a Cage has *een " " " cancelled! MR% -+E#-% N&! MATI#DA Yes! The audience gasped s& l&ud that a passing aer&plane caught it &n its instrumentati&n and rec&rded it as an atm&spheric phen&men&n" MATI#DA and E%CA-O#O$I%T Cancelled) *ecause my wi'e is " " " pregnant! MR% -+E#-% Oh) Matilda! MATI#DA A*s&lute silence" Y&u c&uld ha,e heard a 'ly *urp" Then suddenly) the audience :umped t& its 'eet and r&ared in appreciati&n! An audience cheers. The A*0+BAT enters from the back of the stage, and the !&*A$+L+1"&T takes her by the hand. They embrace and e-it out the back of the stage. MATI#DA The great 'eat was instantly '&rg&tten) and the applause went &n '&r nearly an h&ur" MR% -+E#-% %& it has a happy ending! MATI#DA ?&rg&tten) *y e,ery&ne e=cept) that is 3 ;&he pulls her coat over her head.< 3 the Acr&*at's sister" 6hen all had 0uietened d&wn) she stepped '&rward and pr&duced " " " a c&ntract" MR% -+E#-% A " " " A c&ntract1 MATI#DA and the ACRO AT'% %I%TER ;off7stage< .A c&ntract was signed t& per'&rm this 'eat) and per'&rm this 'eat y&u shall!. MR% -+E#-% N&! MATI#DA and the ACRO AT'% %I%TER ;off7stage< .I ha,e paid '&r the p&sters) pu*licity) the catering) the t&ilet 'acilities" I' I gi,e the cr&wd their m&ney *ac() where is my pr&'it1! A c&ntract is a

c&ntract is a c&ntract! My hands are tied" The urning 6&man) +urling Thr&ugh the Air) with Dynamite in +er +air) O,er %har(s and %pi(y O*:ects) Caught *y the Man #&c(ed in a Cage will *e per'&rmed) and per'&rmed this day) &r " " " &'' t& pris&n y&u *&th shall g&!. MR% -+E#-% N&! N&! 2AT"L3A holds her a dramatic pose, holding the large book above her head. MR% -+E#-% 6ell) what happened ne=t1 MATI#DA I d&n't (n&w" I'll tell y&u t&m&rr&w" MR% -+E#-% 6hat1! I d&n't (n&w i' my ner,es will ma(e it until t&m&rr&w" MATI#DA Mrs -helps1 Are y&u crying1 May*e I sh&uldn't tell y&u any m&re" MR% -+E#-% Oh) n&) Matilda" 6e must 'ind &ut h&w it ends" And " " " I'm n&t crying *ecause it's sad" It's :ust that they want that child s& ,ery much" It must *e w&nder'ul '&r a child t& *e s& wanted" MATI#DA Yes) w&nder'ul" $&&d/*ye) Mrs -helps" 20& $#!L$& e-its with the blocks. 2AT"L3A stands at the front of the stage as her classmates walk in and the desks rise from the ground. They sits and unpack their bags. 2"&& #+%!/ enters and erases the board. MI%% +ONEY Matilda1 C&uld I spea( t& y&u '&r a m&ment) please1 I'm a'raid I',e n&t *een t&& success'ul in getting &thers t& rec&gniIe y&ur " " " a*ilities" %&) starting t&m&rr&w) I shall *ring a selecti&n &' ,ery cle,er *&&(s that I thin( will challenge y&ur mind" And y&u may sit and read while I teach the &thers) and) well) i' y&u ha,e any 0uesti&ns) I shall d& my *est t& answer them" +&w d&es that s&und1 2AT"L3A stares up at her for several long seconds. &he then steps forward and hugs 2"&& #+%!/ tightly. MI%% +ONEY Matilda) that " " " That is the *iggest hug in the w&rld" ;&he wraps her hands around 2AT"L3A.< Y&u're g&ing t& hug all the air &ut &' me"

MI%% TR!NC+ !## Matilda 6&rmw&&d! Matilda 6&rmw&&d! 2"&& #+%!/ steps away from 2AT"L3A as 2"&& T0,%*#B,LL enters by the blackboard. MI%% TR!NC+ !## 6here is Ma3 2AT"L3A holds up her hand. MATI#DA Yes) Miss Trunch*ull" MI%% TR!NC+ !## %& y&u admit it) d& y&u1 MATI#DA Admit what) Miss Trunch*ull1 MI%% TR!NC+ !## This cl&t) this '&ul car*uncle is n&ne &ther than a disgusting criminal! ;&he takes 2AT"L3A by the wrist and leads her to !0"*5s desk.< A deniIen &' the underw&rld! A mem*er &' the ma'ia! ;&he shoves !0"* out of his seat so 2AT"L3A can stand on his desk.< ERIC Ah! MI%% TR!NC+ !## This m&rning) y&u snea(ed li(e a serpent int& the (itchen and st&le a slice &' my pri,ate ch&c&late ca(e 'r&m my tea tray" MATI#DA N&) I did n&t! MI%% +ONEY ;placatingly< Miss Trunch*ull" Matilda's *een here all m&rning" MI%% TR!NC+ !## %tanding up '&r the little spit/*all) are y&u1 6ell) this crime t&&( place *e'&re sch&&l started" And there'&re) she is guilty! The room freezes as 2"&& T0,%*#B,LL starts to write the word "1,"LT/" on the board. There is a spotlight on B0,*! as he begins to talk. R!CE O(ay! #&&(! All right! I st&le the ca(e" And h&nestly) I was really) de'initely) s&rt &') alm&st thin(ing a*&ut &wning up" May*e" ut the thing was) I was

ha,ing a l&t &' tr&u*le with my *elly" Y&u see) the Trunch*ull's ca(e was s& g&&d that I'd sc&''ed it d&wn t&& 0uic() and n&w it was *eginning t& 'ight *ac(" ;#is stomach growls.< O&ps! %ee! B0,*! turns back around and the scene unfreezes. 2"&& T0,%*#B,LL finishes writing the word "1,"LT/" on the board. MATI#DA I'm n&t guilty! I didn't d& anything! MI%% TR!NC+ !## Y&u are guilty) *ecause y&u are a 'iend" Y&u are a cr&&(" Y&u are a thie'! And I shall crush y&u" I shall p&und y&u" I shall c&nsign y&u t& the se,enth circle &' hell) child" Y&u shall *e " " " Y&u shall *e destr&yed" B0,*! turns around and burps for a full ten seconds. The *#"L30!% thrash in their seats. The scene freezes again for B0,*! to talk. R!CE It was the *iggest *urp I had e,er d&ne" It was the *iggest *urp I had e,er heard" The *iggest *urp I had e,er heard a*&ut! It was li(e the entire w&rld went silent '&r that *urp t& e=ist" A purple spotlight starts to make its way from Bruce across the classroom. R!CE As a huge cl&ud &' ch&c&late/y gas wa'ted 'r&m my m&uth and dri'ted acr&ss the class" -ast #a,ender" -ast Alice" -ast Matilda" And then) my great) *ig) *eauti'ul ch&c&late/y *urp) which n&w seemed t& ha,e a mind &' its &wn) wa'ted 'ull int& the 'ace &' the Trunch*ull! The scene unfreezes. 2"&& T0,%*#B,LL grimaces as the purple spotlight leaves her. The *#"L30!%, save B0,*!, but including 2"&& #+%!/, hide under the desks. 2"&& T0,%*#B,LL sniffs and licks the air. &he then sniffs her way across the room, following the former path of the spotlight. &he stops in triumph. MI%% TR!NC+ !## ruce &gtr&tter" R!CE Yes) miss1 MI%% TR!NC+ !## Y&u li(ed my ca(e) didn't y&u) ruce1

R!CE Yes) Miss Trunch*ull! And I'm ,ery s&rry 3

MI%% TR!NC+ !## Oh) n&) n&) n&) n&) n&" As l&ng as y&u en:&yed the ca(e" That's the main thing" R!CE Is it1 MI%% TR!NC+ !## Yes! &gtr&tter) it is" R!CE 6ell) I did" Than( y&u" MI%% TR!NC+ !## 6&nder'ul" Mar,ell&us" That ma(es me s& happy" It gi,es me a warm gl&w in my l&wer intestine" Oh) c&&( " " " The cook enters, holding an enormous chocolate cake on a tray, along with a wooden spoon. &he puts it down on the desk behind B0,*!. &he e-its, not before scratching her behind and wiping her nose. MI%% TR!NC+ !## 6hat's the matter) &gtr&tter1 #&st y&ur appetite1 R!CE 6ell) yes" I'm 'ull" MI%% TR!NC+ !## Oh) n&) y&u are n&t .'ull." I'll tell y&u when y&u are 'ull" And I say that criminals li(e y&u are n&t 'ull until y&u ha,e eaten the entire ca(e" R!CE ut 3 MI%% TR!NC+ !## N& .*uts." Y&u ha,en't g&t time '&r .*ut." Eat" R!CE ut I can't eat it all! MI%% +ONEY +eadmistress) he'll *e sic(! MI%% TR!NC+ !## +e sh&uld ha,e th&ught &' that *e'&re he made a pact with %atan and decided t& steal my ca(e! ;sometimes, to be in time with the music 6ell1 C&me &n!< Eat!

C+I#DREN +e can't! MI%% TR!NC+ !## Eat! C+I#DREN +e surely can't! MI%% TR!NC+ !## Eat! C+I#DREN +e might e=pl&de! MI%% TR!NC+ !## Eat!! 2"&& T0,%*#B,LL strides to the board. +ver the course of the song, she writes on the board "*opy one million times by tomorrow. " am ),LL when and only when the #eadmistress says " am ),LL. " am 1,"LT/ when the #eadmistress says " am 1,"LT/." C+I#DREN A single slice) Or e,en tw&) ruce) Might ha,e *een nice) ut e,en y&u) ruce) +a,e t& admit etween y&u and it) There's n&t a l&t &' di''erence in siIe" C+I#DREN 4 +e can't! C+I#DREN 7 +e can! ruce! C+I#DREN 4 +e surely can't! +e surely can't! C+I#DREN 7 Y&u are the man) ruce! C+I#DREN 4 +e might e=pl&de!

C+I#DREN 7 +e's 0uite elastic " " " C+I#DREN 4 +e's g&ing t& *l&w" Ma(e him st&p! C+I#DREN 7 +e's 'antastic! #&&( at him g&! C+I#DREN 4 I can't watch! C+I#DREN I thin( in e''ect) This must c&n'irm) ruce) 6hat we all suspected" Y&u ha,e a w&rm) ruce! Or may*e y&ur largeness Is li(e the TARDI%5 C&nsidera*ly r&&mier inside" C+I#DREN 4 +e can't! C+I#DREN 7 +e can! C+I#DREN 4 +e surely can't! +e surely can't! C+I#DREN 7 Y&u are the man) ruce! C+I#DREN /R/O/O/C/E! ruce! Y&u'll ne,er again *e su*:ect t& a*use '&r y&ur immense ca*&&se" %he'll call a truce) ruce" 6ith e,ery swall&w) y&u are tightening the n&&se" 6e ne,er th&ught it was p&ssi*le) ut here it is) c&ming true5 6e can ha,e &ur ca(e and it it t&&! The time has c&me t& put that tum*ly/tum t& use" N& e=cuse) ruce"

#et &ut y&ur *elt" I thin( y&u'll want y&ur tr&users l&&se" Oh 3 %tu'' it in" B ruce!C Y&u're alm&st 'inished" B ruce!C Y&u'll 'it it in" 6hate,er y&u d&) :ust d&n't gi,e in" D&n't let her win" C&me &n) ruce) *e &ur her&" C&,er y&ursel' in ch&c&late gl&ry! R!CE It's t&& much! It's :ust t&& much! MATI#DA $& &n) ruce" D& it" MI%% TR!NC+ !## %ilence! B0,*! wilts by the desk. LA6!%3!0 puts the wooden spoon back in his hand. #e drops it again. Then after several seconds, he picks it up and returns to the cake with renewed vigour. C+I#DREN Oh 3 ruce! Y&u'll ne,er again *e su*:ect t& a*use '&r y&ur immense ca*&&se" %he'll call a truce) ruce" @ust &ne m&re *ite and y&u'll',e c&mpletely c&&(ed her g&&se" 6e ne,er th&ught it was p&ssi*le) ut here it is) c&ming true5 6e can ha,e &ur ca(e and eat it 3 Ah/ah/aah/ah Ah/ah/aah/ah Ah/ah/aah/ah Ah/ah/aah/ah C+I#DREN and MI%% +ONEY Ah! 2"&& #+%!/ =umps up and down with =oy. MI%% +ONEY $& &n) rucey! Yeah! Yes! ;&he pauses and realizes what she has done, and slowly lowers her hands.< %&rry) Miss Trunch*ull" I g&t carried away" MI%% TR!NC+ !## That's all right) @enny" 6e all get carried away s&metimes" E,en me"

;Looking irritated, she makes her way to B0,*!5s side.< 6ell d&ne) &gtr&tter" $&&d sh&w" ;&he e-its down the steps and stops behind the first portion of the audience.< 6ell1 C&me al&ng) &gtr&tter" R!CE 6hat1 6here1 MI%% TR!NC+ !## Oh) did I n&t menti&n1 That was &nly the 'irst part &' y&ur punishment" There's m&re 3 the sec&nd part" And the sec&nd part is Ch&(ey! R!CE 6hat1! MI%% +ONEY N&" N&) Miss Trunch*ull" -lease" Y&u can't" MI%% TR!NC+ !## Yes) Miss Trunch*ull) please) y&u can! D& y&u thin( I w&uld all&w mysel' t& *e de'eated *y these magg&ts) d& y&u1 6h& d& y&u thin( I am) Miss +&ney1 A wea(ling1 An idi&t1 A '&&l1 Y&u1 MI%% +ONEY +e's eaten it all" +e did what y&u as(ed" 2"&& T0,%*#B,LL takes B0,*! by the wrist and leads him off the front of the stage. R!CE I did! I ate the l&t! -lease! N&! N&) n&t there! D&n't ta(e me t& Ch&(ey! -lease! N&! N&! MATI#DA That's n&t right! Lights down.