TOO SHY? By Ginger E. Blume, Ph.D. According to Dr.

Lynne Henderson, Director of the Shyness Clinic in Palo Alto and lecturer at Stanford University, 40- 0! of the "u#lic is affected #y shyness. A#out $ ! of these individuals are considered chronically shy. %or this "ortion of the shy "o"ulation, their shyness is so de#ilitating they cannot do the things they &ant to do. Constant avoidance or inhi#ition can create enor'ous "ro#le's, not only for the "ainfully shy "erson, #ut also for "eo"le around the'. (he "ro#le' of shyness affects children as &ell as adults. )ne of Dr. Henderson*s clinic "atients, for e+a'"le, as,ed a girl out in high school and &as turned do&n. He &as so affected #y this that he didn*t try to as, another &o'an out for ten years. (hat is an e+tre'e e+a'"le. Lets consider so'e 'ore co''on e+a'"les of chronically shy #ehavior. (he shy individual 'ight cancel social events at the last 'o'ent- "roduce &ritten &or, at school to avoid class "artici"ation- s"end e+cessive ti'e on acade'ic &or, or solitary "rofessional activity to the e+clusion of social interactions- have fe& or no friends- s"end e+cessive ti'e on the co'"uter .not social in nature/- and cause fa'ily 'e'#ers or teachers to e+"ress concern a#out the shy "erson*s isolation. 0esearch sho&s there are 'any causes of chronic shyness including te'"era'ent or #iological influences, stressful life events or negative fa'ily interactions. (hese various causes indicate that shyness is not 1ust a "ersonality trait that one is #orn &ith. Shyness can develo" situationally in reaction to e+ternal events. Shyness can develo" in an atte'"t to defend oneself in an u"setting situation. 2y esca"ing an e'otionally "ainful "erson or event, the individual*s avoidance #ehavior #eco'es reinforced. 3henever #ehavior is reinforced, it increases in fre4uency. Hence, the individual #egins to a""ear 5shy6 as s7he uses #ehaviors &e descri#e as reflective of shyness. %ortunately, there are 'any &ays that fa'ily, friends and 'entors can hel" a shy loved one. %or instance, they can 'aintain a""ro"riate e+"ectations &hile e+"ressing e'"athy for the shy "erson*s "ainful e'otions- role-"lay challenging situations that are co'ing u" &ith the shy "erson- avoid negative la#els and intense "ressures for social "erfor'anceand lighten u" and use a""ro"riate hu'or. (hey can encourage the shy "erson to #e 'ore "layful and "hysically looser &hile they try ne& things. 8t often hel"s to ado"t a health or s"orts-oriented 'odel to the "ro#le' of shyness. Physical e+ercise 'a,es you fit and ,ee"s you fit. As the statistics suggest, shyness and social an+iety are co''on e+"eriences for 'any "eo"le. A "sychologist can hel" &hen a "erson fre4uently avoids or &ithdra&s fro' social situations, e+"eriences e'otional disco'fort or is e+tre'ely concerned a#out evaluation or re1ection. (he A'erican Psychological Association can "rovide a free co"y of their ne& #rochure called 5Painful Shyness in Children and Adults.6 Si'"ly call tollfree $-9::-;0<-4000 to re4uest your co"y. Key tips for Coping ith Shyness Peo"le &ho feel shy are not victi's. (here are things they can "ractice and do to 'a,e their life easier. 2ut li,e anything else, it ta,es a co''it'ent to 'a,e a "ersonal change. !"int"in #ppropri"te E$pe%t"tions& Co"yright, =inger 2lu'e, Ph.D. >une, ?00? @iddleto&n Press7shyness?00?

A @aintain a""ro"riate e+"ectations &hile co''unicating e'"athy for the shy "erson*s "ainful e'otions. A Bncourage the' to tell you a#out their daily e+"eriences and ho& they feel a#out the'. A Ac,no&ledge the conflict #et&een needs to #elong and fear of re1ection. A 0ole-"lay challenging situations &ith the shy "erson. A Hel" the shy individual set s"ecific, 'anagea#le #ehavioral goals, and agreed u"on reasona#le 'eans to attain the'. A Hel" challenge the fre4uent negative thoughts a#out the' self and others, and hel" the' develo" constructive alternatives. A Avoid negative la#els and intense "ressures for social "erfor'ance. A 0e'e'#er that shyness and social an+iety are co''on and universal e+"eriences at all ages for 'ost "eo"le. .Signifi%"nt others %"n help' Gi(e Spe%ifi% Beh"(ior"l )ee*+"%,& A (ell the "erson e+actly ho& the s"ecific #ehaviors of avoidance, "assive aggression, or inconsistency affect you, &hile co''unicating acce"tance of the "erson. A As, "er'ission for &hen and ho& #est to offer constructive feed#ac, .&hat 'ight #e done in the future to achieve favora#le outco'es/. A Ac,no&ledge the "erson*s strengths and resources, &hile co''unicating your &ar'th and "ositive feelings to&ard the'. A Bncourage the shy "erson to #e 'ore "layful, "hysically looser, and to "ractice loo,ing 5foolish6 &hile they try ne& things- do the sa'e yourself. . Lighten u", use hu'or. A Arrange for shy children to "lay &ith, and 'entor, younger children. . Bncourage grou" s"orts, acting and dancing classes in a su""ortive environ'ent. Ch"nge Yourself& A Challenge and counter 'alada"tive thoughts and negative e'otional states that interfere &ith functioning, active e+"loration, and that lo&er your self-estee'. A Set s"ecific #ehavioral goals and "ractice desired actions in feared situations. A =ive yourself credit for ta,ing social ris,s. Ch"nge the Situ"tionC A Create cultures and grou"s environ'ents that &or, &ell for everyone, &here all te'"era'ents are acce"ta#le. Bncourage "eo"le to use their natural styles and for's of self-e+"ression. Bna#le all to "artici"ate, to share, listen, learn, e+"lore, and en1oy self-e+"ression of thought and e'otion. A Colla#orate in shared res"onsi#ilities &ith 'utual grou" goals. Pr"%ti%e So%i"l )itnessC A Ado"t a health - or s"orts-oriented 'odel. 2eing socially fit is li,e #eing "hysically fit. B+ercise 'a,es you fit and ,ee"s you fit. Copyright, 2002, Ginger E. Blume, Ph.D.

Co"yright, =inger 2lu'e, Ph.D. >une, ?00? @iddleto&n Press7shyness?00?