Bella’s P.O.V.

I am so sick of Mike Newton always flirting with me!

When will it end?
While Edward was on one of his “hiking trips” this
morning, Mike took advantage of his absence and tried to
ask me out again at lunch.
I had hoped Alice would be there to back me up, but no,
she and Angela were giggling with their hands over their
mouths, just watching us.
“Why didn’t you help me?” I complained after I sat down.
“It was just funny seeing the look on your face!” Alice
laughed. I glared at her, but I couldn’t stay mad at her for
long, and she knew it.
“Sorry, Bella.” Angela apologized. I smiled. “Don’t worry
about it.” I told her. “Where’s Ben?”
“He got sick yesterday after school,” Angela said.
“Stomach flu. I just hope it doesn’t spread again.” “Yeah,
that would be the last thing we need.” I agreed.
Alice leaned forward. “So what are we going to do about
Newton?” She asked in a low voice.
“What do you mean?” I asked surprised. Angela raised her
eyebrows.”We are going to prank him of course!” Alice
said in a surprised tone that implied I should have realized
this sooner.
“We need to prank him with something that will make him
realize that Bella is taken.” Angela put in.
This surprised me. Angela was actually plotting to prank
someone with Alice!
We sat in silence for a few minutes, thinking of ideas.
Suddenly, Alice burst out; “Fake tattoos!” Two pairs of
eyes questioned her sanity.
“We should make fake tattoos,” She said impatiently.
“Bella will wear one, and Edward will wear one! It’s
perfect! I can see it now…”
What was funny was that she really could see it happening,
so I couldn’t back out of it. “That’s a good idea!” Angela
grinned. She and Alice looked at me.
“All right. I’ll do it.”
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______
“You want me to wear what?” Edward asked. “It’s a fake
tattoo!” Alice exclaimed to him while we were at their
house.
“I honestly don’t see the point in wearing one. I won’t do
it.” Edward said firmly. He turned to go back to his piano.
“It’s a prank on Mike Newton!” I called to him. He was
back at my side in a flash, his golden eyes lighting up. “I’m
in.” He grinned mischievously.
“I made them already, too!” Alice held out her tiny hands,
where two fake tattoos sat there, still in their plastic
wrappers.
“This is going to be good…”
_______________________________________________
_______________________________________________
_______________________________________________
______
Edward’s P.O.V.
Half of me saw no point in this childish prank, but the other
half just wanted to rub that vile Newton’s face into the
ground.
I wanted to prove to him that Bella was mine.
When I saw the tattoos Alice had made, I nearly choked
with glee. Mike was going to love this!
Alice, Bella, Angela, and I already had the plan set. As we
pulled into the parking lot, I could see Angela standing by
her boyfriend Ben’s car with an eager look on her face.
When we approached her, she asked, “Are you ready?”
Alice grinned. “Let’s do this.”
One by one, we all entered the school a few feet apart so
we wouldn’t look suspicious. As I opened my locker door, I
saw Mike Newton enter the bathroom. Perfect. The prank
was in motion.
Right on cue, Angela began walking in my direction and
“accidentally” spilled her water bottle on my shirt.
Some watching students giggled. I heard Lauren think,
what a dumbass! I mentally growled at her, but it was for a
prank, so I let it go.
“I’m sorry, Edward.” Angela said in her quiet voice,
sounding mortified. She was a good actress.
“It’s all right.” I told her. “I’ll just go change.” I pulled the
spare shirt I brought out of my locker and entered the
bathroom.
Mike Newton had just walked out of the stall and was
approaching the sinks when he saw me.
I hope he did that in front of Bella. He thought. Maybe now
she’ll realize what an idiot he is.
I walked to the other end of the room and pulled off my
shirt. I could feel Mike’s eyes following me. Pervert.
What the fuck! His thoughts screamed.
I had placed the tattoo in my lower pelvic area. But that
wasn’t the funny part.
The funny part was that the tattoo read, Bella was here.
There was also a small arrow pointing down.
Mike’s eyes bulged, and he ran out of the bathroom, his
hands still covered in soap. I have to find Bella!
I laughed, and quickly put on the other shirt. When I
reentered the hall way, Mike had just spotted Bella and was
half-running toward her. Angela and Alice came up to me.
“So far so good.” I told them.
They both had their hands over their mouths to stifle their
giggles.
Mike skidded to a halt in front of Bella. “Did you know
Cullen has a tattoo?!” He gasped wildly.
The onlookers began whispering. Perfect. Alice thought.
I’m recording this for Emmett and the other to see later.
“Of course, Mike!” Bella laughed. “Why else do you think
I got mine?”
She unzipped her jacket and pulled down the collar of her
blue shirt.
There on her chest was her tattoo that read, Edward was
here. with an arrow pointing down.
Several onlookers gasped and began whispering amongst
themselves. I couldn’t stop smiling.
Oh, how I love payback. I thought. Mike’s eyes opened
wider, and he darted into the cafeteria without a backward
glance.
Bella approached us, smiling broadly. Alice and Angela
were in hysterics, holding onto each other for support.
“It worked so perfectly!” Alice gasped.
“Maybe now Mike has learned his lesson.” Bella said.

Bella’s P.O.V.
I can’t believe that the prank actually worked! Alice had a
natural high pretty much all day, but that’s how she usually
acts, so there wasn’t really a difference in her behavior.
When Edward and I approached his Volvo, he kissed me
lightly. “That worked perfectly, love.” I grinned at him.
“You can remove the tattoo now if you want to.”
He grinned crookedly back at me. “I think I’ll leave it there
just to freak him out for a few more days. I just want to see
the look on his face.”
He leaned down to kiss me again, but then Alice appeared
right behind him. He grimaced theatrically and turned
around. “What, Alice?”
“We should prank Newton again!” She squealed. Edward
rolled his eyes as we got into the car.
Alice and Edward continued to argue until we reached their
house. “I’m positive this one will work!” Alice pleaded
when we were in the living room. “What’s going on?”
Rosalie asked, her eyes still on the TV.
“We are trying to prank Mike Newton again.” Alice
explained. Esme stood up and closed the book she was
reading. “Don’t do anything that would get you arrested.”
She warned. Without further ado, she went upstairs.
“What do you mean, again?” Jasper asked. Alice pulled out
the camera she had at school and plugged it into the TV.
Rosalie, Jasper, and Emmett watched Mike Newton’s
reaction to seeing mine and Edward’s “tattoos”. “That was
hilarious!” Emmett choked out after they were done
laughing. “What are you going to do next?”
“How about a prank call?” Rosalie suggested. “What will
Newton be doing tonight?” Alice’s eyes seemed to unfocus
before they came back to reality. “He’s going to be
watching The Ring with Tyler Crowley.” She laughed.
“Perfect!” Edward said. I stared at him, surprised. “It’s too
good of an opportunity to pass up.” He explained to me.
“All right,” I said. “I’ll do it.”
“Jasper will do the scary voice,” Alice began scheming,
“And Rosalie and Emmett will be at Newton’s house to
record the whole thing…”
_______________________________________________
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_____
There I was, sitting on the couch surrounded by vampires.
Emmett and Rosalie were perched in trees in Mike
Newton’s front yard, well hidden from view. Emmett had a
video camera; Rosalie, a walkie-talkie.
Jasper, Alice, Edward and I were all sitting in a circle
around the cordless phone. Edward had the other walkie-
talkie clutched in his hand.
Finally, Rosalie’s voice came through. “He just got past the
part where they got the phone call. You can call him now.”
Jasper grinned and dialed Mike’s number. Rosalie still had
the walkie-talkie on so we could hear Mike’s reaction.
It rang once, and then we heard a shrill scream. Edward and
I were choking back laughter. Finally, Mike answered. He
then said something that made our prank go from funny to
hilarious.
“You’re on speakerphone.” His voice was high-pitched, as
if he just got kicked where it hurts.
Jasper grinned evilly and said in a dangerous and disturbing
tone, “Seven days…..”
Mike and Tyler’s resulting screams were deafening. Jasper
quickly hung up so they wouldn’t hear our laughter.
We were still rolling on the floor when Emmett and Rosalie
came in.
“Time to put these babies on YouTube!”

Bella’s P.O.V.
“Are you sure this one will work?” I asked uneasily. “I feel
bad getting Charlie into this.” Alice looked at me. “I’m
positive this one will work. I saw Charlie’s reaction. He’ll
laugh and all will be forgiven. It’s April Fool’s anyway.”
She reminded me.
We both turned to look at Edward, who was playing my
lullaby on his piano. “I’m perfectly willing to do it if it
means embarrassing Mike Newton.” He scowled at the
mere mention of his name.
“Jealous, much?” Jasper laughed as he entered the room.
“Yes.” Edward said shortly. “Bella is mine and no one
else’s.”
“Greed isn’t a good emotion either.” Emmett smirked from
the living room. Edward threw a pillow at him. “Shut up.”
Emmett grinned wider. “Did you post the videos on
YouTube?” I asked him. He nodded. “There were over a
thousand views in less than an hour. It was great!”
We all laughed. “What user was it under? What if Mike
finds out?” Rosalie asked.”It’s under the user MikeSucks,
and we are from Pakistan,” Emmett grinned. “He won’t
find out.”
“What do we have to do for the next prank?” Rosalie asked
Alice.
“Edward will bring Bella back to her house tomorrow
morning before school. Charlie will still be there,” She
explained, her gold eyes excited. “They will pretend to get
into an argument and Edward will drive off. When Charlie
asks what’s wrong, Bella will tell him.”
“Tell him what?” I asked. Alice leaned forward and
whispered it into my ear.
Our entire circle was shaking with laughter, while Edward
looked disgruntled. “Why Mike? Why couldn’t it have been
Jacob?” He grumbled.
I hugged him soothingly. “If it was Jacob, then Charlie
would be pleased not angry, you know that. Besides, it’s
not real.”
He kissed me gently. “All right. Call Angela. She can be in
on it, too.”
I nodded eagerly, and Alice handed me her cell phone.
After I dialed her number, it rang four times before her
younger brother Isaac answered.
“Hello?” He answered. “This is Bella Swan,” I told him.
“Is Angela there?”
“Yeah, hang on. Angela!” He called away from the phone.
“It’s Bella!” After Angela received the phone, she said,
“Hey, Bella! What’s up?”
“We have another idea for a prank on Mike. Are you in?”
She laughed. “Of course! What’s the plan?”
I wasn’t even done explaining the prank to her, before she
was nearly screaming with laughter. “It’s perfect!” She
choked. “What do I have to do?”
“Here’s the plan…”
_______________________________________________
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______
Edward and I were sitting in his Volvo as it tore down my
street. He had the same disgruntled look on his face. I
kissed him firmly. “This will work out perfectly. Trust me.”
I said. He nodded, and pulled up in front of my house just
as Charlie stepped onto the porch.
I jumped out of the car. “Why would you do something like
that to me, Bella?” Edward shouted. Only I could see the
pained look on his face. This was torturing him. “It wasn’t
my fault!” I pleaded. I slammed the car door and Edward
drove off.
As a walked over to my truck, Charlie grabbed me by the
shoulders. “What’s going on?” He asked. “Do you two
have a fight?”
“Yes!” I sobbed to him. “About what?” he asked. He was
clearly thinking I was going to leave again.
“Do you remember that party Mike Newton threw a couple
of weeks ago, the one I said I wasn’t going to go to?” He
nodded, wary.
“Well, I went instead of going to Edward’s like I told you.”
Charlie’s eyes widened, but he didn’t say anything. I took
that as my cue to continue.
“Well, Charlie…”
_______________________________________________
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______
I drove to school, smiling broadly. So far so good. Charlie
was following behind me in his cruiser, I knew. He was
trying to keep me from noticing, but Alice told me he
would.
I pulled into the parking lot next to Edward’s Volvo. I could
see him with a very sad look on his face. He was a good
actor.
When I got out of my truck, I pretended to be nauseous.
Edward strode right into the building without looking at
me. He was playing his part well.
When I opened my locker, Angela ran up to me. “I can’t
believe he would do such a thing!” She glared in Edward’s
direction, but she wasn’t glaring at Edward. She was
glaring at Mike, who was conveniently standing next to
him, watching the whole charade.
Mike thought Angela was glaring at Edward, and he grew
smug. Perfect, I thought. Here comes Charlie.
Sure enough, I saw Charlie’s cruiser pull into the parking
lot. He got out and stormed up to the doors.
As he came in, Edward slid over to my side of the hallway.
Charlie stormed right up to Mike. Nearly everyone in the
hallway was watching. Whispers and giggles could be
heard up and down the hall.
Angela and Alice were hiding behind Ben and Edward,
choking back giggles, since both of them couldn’t keep a
straight face for very long.
“HOW DARE YOU GET MY DAUGHTER
PREGNANT?” Charlie roared, spittle flying everywhere.
The whispers paused for a moment, and then flared again. I
saw eyes darting between me, Mike, and Edward. Edward’s
lips were twitching.
Mike’s face fell into one of horror. “Sir-I didn’t-“
“DON’T LIE TO ME!!!” Charlie roared. “BELLA TOLD
ME HERSELF! HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN HER
TATTOO?”
Mike’s eyes darted to me. I pulled down the collar of my
shirt again. This time, where Edward’s name was, Mike
was here. Could be seen in bold letters.
Mike’s mouth opened and closed like a fish. He darted into
an empty classroom while Charlie was turned away.
I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I burst out laughing, and
Angela and Alice followed suit.
“Bella?” Charlie asked, worried for my sanity. “What’s
going on?”
“It was a prank!” I choked out. “I’m not pregnant!”
The whispers in the hall turned to laughs. Edward was
grinning behind me, holding a camera.
Charlie froze, and then he grinned. “Well, I sure fell for that
one, didn’t I?”

BPOV:
I was genuinely surprised that Charlie wasn’t mad at me
after that last prank. It was a little extreme, but it was
hilarious though!
Edward put it up on YouTube yesterday, and got over 2000
views in one day. Emmett was ecstatic at that news. I think
he’s obsessed with YouTube.
At the end of the day, Angela, Alice and I were sitting up in
my room. Alice was bouncing up and down, and I knew she
had another prank in mind.
“What’s your idea, Alice?” I asked her, wary. Angela
grinned at my expression.
“Wouldn’t it be great if Mike walked in on you guys?” She
asked, her eyes alight.
“I take ‘you guys’ to mean me and Edward, correct?” I
asked. “Duh!” Alice rolled her eyes.
“How does Edward feel about this?” Angela asked. “Will
he do it?” “Of course!” Alice told her. “He’s the one who
came up with it.”
My mouth fell open. Edward was willing to lower some of
his precious boundaries to embarrass Mike Newton?
Suddenly, the door bell rang. I got up and went downstairs.
Sure enough, it was Edward.
He leaned down to give me a kiss in greeting, but for once,
I stopped him. “Do you really come up with a prank for
Mike Newton to walk in on us?” I asked him.
Edward smiled crookedly at me. “Of course. Then again, I
only meant walking in on us kissing, of course. Not you-
know-what.”
I blushed, and he grinned wider. “Of course.” I said quietly.
He leaned down to kiss me and this time I did not object.
“Are you guys done sucking face yet?”
I whirled around. Alice and Angela were standing at the
foot of the stairs, watching us. Angela looked horrified at
intruding on us, while Alice was smiling.
Edward was smiling at the look on my face. “Fine, I’m in.
What do I have to do?” I said.
Edward’s grin widened.
_______________________________________________
__________________________
Edward and I drove up to a place called Promontory Point,
which jutted out over La Push and had a good view of the
ocean. Most of us teenagers went there with our dates and
to just hang out if we wanted.
He found out that Mike was going to be there with some
friends at a weekend barbeque, which was perfect. They
were holding said BBQ not far from where Edward so
conveniently parked, which was good.
As we pulled up, I saw Mike’s eyes bulge. He was clearly
thinking of ways to bail from his friends; I could tell by
Edward’s expression.
Tyler Crowley and Eric Yorkie were now staring at the car
too. They may not be able to see who exactly was inside it,
but they at least had an idea on what we were here for.
I could hear Mike’s loud groan. “I hope it’s not Emmett
again.” He complained. I was covering my mouth to stifle
the giggles that threatened to explode out and blow my
cover.
Edward shot a devious smile toward me. Mike and his
friends then moved farther down the cliff side, toward
picnic tables that were set up. They were far enough from
us that they couldn’t see us over Jasper’s car. He and Alice
had arrived before Mike and his friends did.
“Are you okay?!” Alice then asked as she ran over to the
car.
“You guys had better start sucking face, because I’m going
to get Mike!” She whispered to us.
Edward nodded and then looked at me as Alice turned
away. “You don’t have to do this, you know.”
I rolled my eyes. “We are already up here, Edward. I can’t
back out now.” He nodded slowly, still unsure.
Finally, I leaned forward and grabbed the collar of his shirt.
“Besides, it’s not like I don’t want to.” I whispered. He
shivered, and then climbed into the back seat with me.
He pressed his lips gently to mine, trying to keep a level
head, but then, out of the blue, Jasper started sending waves
of lust toward us from his car.
This time, Edward pressed his lips to mine with a new
fervor. He was now just as eager as I was. I was looking
forward to this.
_______________________________________________
______________________
Alice’s Point of View
________________
I ran human speed toward where Mike was standing with
his friends. “Can you help me?” I asked him, throwing
worry and nervousness into my tone.
“What wrong?” Mike asked, wary.”Is it Bella?” “Yes!” I
moaned.
“She came up here with Jacob Black and he’s pressuring
her into sex in a car she borrowed from Edward!”
Mike dropped the bag of Doritos he was eating and
followed me to Edward’s car, where he and Bella were.
“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Tyler said. “What if it’s
another prank?” Mike was actually stupid enough to ignore
him and threw open the back door.
Tyler groaned in embarrassment, while Eric just stood
there, stunned.
Bella was lying across the back seat with Edward above her
with no shirt on. He actually had one of his hands halfway
up Bella’s shirt as well.
“Damn you, Jasper.” He said at vampire speed. I heard
Jasper snicker in our car.
Bella was blushing furiously, and I knew she wasn’t faking.
Mike just turned around and half-ran toward his car, with
Eric and Tyler at his heels.
“I told you, dude.”

Bella’s P.O.V.
“Why, Jasper?” I moaned. “Why did you have to pull that
stupid stunt?”
Jasper smirked at me. “It was hilarious, and you know it.”
“Yeah, but Edward didn’t want to lower his precious
boundaries.” I complained. “So your prank backfired.”
I could hear Emmett snort from the living room. “Tired of
waiting in the virgin waiting room, Bella?”
I stormed into the room just in time for Rosalie to say, “The
virgin waiting room?! Where the hell did you get that
from?”
Emmett shrugged and hollered back, “I saw it on the
internet somewhere!”
Rosalie scoffed, “I’m surprised you know how to turn on a
computer.”
Emmett shot an evil grin at me before he said, “Of course I
know how work the Google on the internet machine!
Where do you think I get my ideas for our various
sexcapades?”
My elbow slid off the table with a bang and Jasper was
howling with laughter at my blush. “Shut up.” I told him.
“Where are Edward and Alice?” I asked Rosalie.
“They went hunting. They should be back in a few minutes.
I have a marvelous idea for a new prank on Mike!” Less
than a minute later, Alice burst through the door; Edward
right behind her.
“What’s your idea, Rose?” She asked eagerly. We all took
places in the living room as Rosalie explained her idea.
Edward began to laugh. “It’s perfect! Alice, can you see
this working?”
”Yes!” she squealed in her high, tinkling voice. We all
began laughing harder.
Time to begin phase 5: Internet Alarm.
_______________________________________________
______________
Just after midnight, Rosalie and Emmett were once again
conveniently hidden in the trees in Mike’s front yard. This
time Jasper was with them. They had cameras and walkie-
talkies at the ready.
Alice was on her laptop computer in the living room and
Edward and I were with her.
“Are you ready?” Alice asked Rosalie.
“Yes.” Rosalie’s voice came back through. “Go ahead. He’s
on myspace now. Send the bulletin.”
Jasper managed to hack into Mike’s myspace account and
add the fake account we created to his friend’s list. We had
an account under the name TheMysteriousPerson. Mike
had over 500 friends already, so he wouldn’t notice if one
more was added.
Alice sent him a bulletin titled “READ THIS. SCARILY
ACCURATE.”
Emmett had his finger pressed on the call button on his
walkie-talkie so we could hear Mike’s reaction. “Jasper,
send in the dread.” He whispered eagerly.
Jasper began throwing waves of dread at Mike, enough to
frighten him, but not enough to make him keep from
opening the bulletin.
“He’s opening it now.” Rosalie whispered. Then Mike
began reading it out loud.
“DON’T STOP READING this or something VERY BAD
will happen to you as soon as you are done reading. This is
extremely freaky. Be careful what you open.
During a thunderstorm ...
Beth: Hey Ben! Sup?
Ben: Uhhh ... nothing much about to go to a party ... haha
you?
Beth: Haha nice ... uhhh just staying in for the night.
Ben: I have this huge favor to ask you ...
Beth: Yeah ... what?
Ben: Can you please come over and watch my brother John
for me? I won't be able to go if no one watches him.
Beth: Ughh ... well ....
Ben: Please Beth!
Beth: *Sighs* Alright. I'll be over in a few minutes.
A few minutes later, Beth arrives at Ben's house.
Ben: Hey, thanks so much!
Beth: Hehe. No problem. By the way, you look really nice.
Ben: Thanks! Anyways, here's my number. Call me in about
an hour and tell me how everything is, okay?
Beth: Alright, bye!
Then Ben left. Beth headed over to John.
Beth: Hey sport!
John: Hi Beth ... I'm really scared ...
Beth: Awww ... don't be. I'm here. Let’s turn on some T.V.
As Beth walked over to the T.V. , the lights suddenly shut
out. John freaked out and screamed!
Beth: John, it's okay. I have a flashlight. Hold on, one
second. Darn it! The flashlight doesn't work! Uhmmm ...
okay, okay, let’s go up to your brother's room. I think he
has an extra one.
John: *mumbles* okay.
As Beth and John headed up towards Ben's room, they
heard a creepy laughter that brought chills up their spines.
John: *screams* What was that?!
Beth: John, stop doing that. Let me call your brother and
ask where the flashlight is.
John: But I didn't ... *John’s voice started to fade away ...*
Beth: Hey Ben! How's the party?
Ben: Good, thanks! Listen I got to go. Can I call you in 5
minutes?
Beth: Sure. But where's the flashlight in your room?
Ben: Oh, ummm ... it's under my bed, to the left. I think.
Beth walks over to Ben's bed and screams.
Beth: Oh my God!
Ben: What happened?!
Beth: Oh, ha-ha. Nothing, I didn't know you had a clown
statue in your bedroom. It scared me half to death
especially the bloody knife on its hand. It looks so real!
Where did you get it? Did you get it at the Halloween
store?
Ben: Beth ... I don't have a clown statue in my bedroom.
The line quickly goes dead. Ben started panicking and
raced home as fast as he can. When he got home, he ran
into his bedroom, where Beth and John were nowhere to be
seen. He saw his brother lying on his bed.
Ben: *rolls his eyes and said to himself* I can't believe
Beth would play such an awful trick on me.
He went and sat down at his computer and pulled up
myspace. He went into his myspace account and checked
his bulletins. He noticed that he had a random new friend.
The profile picture was a freaky clown face. That made him
freak out a bit. Then he saw that the mysterious clown
friend had posted a bulletin called "Clowning Around".
Ben opened the bulletin and started to read it. This was the
same bulletin that he saw last night about a clown who
kills people. He got freaked out and didn't repost it.
Trembling, he got in his bed, next to his brother and kissed
his cheek good night.
“You can sleep here with me tonight, Sport. Good night.”
Suddenly, the figure in the bed turned to Ben.
Clown: Now it's your turn.”
Mike shivered. “Please,” He scoffed. “That isn’t real.” His
body language suggested otherwise. He was shaking in his
seat, thanks to Jasper’s ability.
However, the entire time he was reading the bulletin,
Emmett climbed into his room dressed as an evil clown and
a knife covered with fake blood in his hand.
Mike had a queen-sized bed, which made this prank
spectacular. Emmett was already lying across the bed; in
the shadows where Mike wouldn’t see him until he spoke.
Mike got into his bed and pulled the blanket over himself.
“Now.” Rosalie told him in vampire speed.
Emmett sat up slowly and winked at the camera Jasper was
holding. Then he leaned closer to Mike’s ear and
whispered; “Now it’s your turn.” Mike froze for one instant
and let out a blood-curdling scream.
Emmett dived out the window and they were half-way
down the street before Mike even realized who it was.
_______________________________________________
______________
One week later……….
We were all situated in Edward’s living room; still hyped
up over the clown prank on Mike that happened nearly a
week ago.
“That was brilliant!” I laughed. “Our best yet!” Edward had
his arm around my shoulder and he was laughing with me.
Suddenly, Carlisle stormed into the room. “I have a Mr.
Mike Newton in psychiatric care trying to conquer his
sudden fear of clowns. Would any of you care to explain?”

Bella’s Point of View

Every hand in the room was pointed at Emmett. “Traitors.”
He grumbled.
“Let me rephrase this,” Carlisle said, “Who was the
mastermind?”
Only Emmett was pointing at Rosalie. Everyone else was
still pointing at him. “Nice try, Emmett Cullen.” Carlisle
said sternly.
I could see Edward and the others fighting back smiles.
Then Carlisle spoke again. “Emmett, I want you to go up to
the school tomorrow and apologize in front of him.”
Emmett started to protest, but Carlisle held up a hand. “You
will also take responsibility for the other pranks pulled on
him.”
Finally, Emmett spoke up. “It was Alice and Edward, too!”
He complained. However, Carlisle refused to hear it.
“Tomorrow.” He said with finality.
“I graduated already!” Emmett called to him. “How am I
supposed to go to the school and apologize?”
Carlisle returned to the room, completely oblivious to the
rest of us shaking in our seats holding back laughter.
“I have it taken care of. You are there completing an
assignment for college.”
Emmett groaned, defeated. “Fine.” He grumbled.
After Carlisle left again, the room exploded with laughter.
“Thanks, Rosalie.” Emmett told her. She hugged him. “I
had to do it. It was too good of an opportunity to pass up.”
“Maybe we should turn the apology into another prank.” I
said slyly. Edward looked at me incredulously.
“Seriously?” He asked me.
I shrugged. “Of course. In a way, it would still be an
apology. We’ll just tweak it a little bit.”
Emmett shivered in anticipation. “I have an idea already!”
Jasper rolled his eyes. “Your ideas aren’t always the best
ones.” He told him. “Are you sure about this?”
“Of course.” Emmett bragged. “This will be as easy as
killing a bear with your bare hands.”
I looked at Edward. He shrugged.”It is pretty easy, but I
wouldn’t take Emmett’s word for it.” He said indifferently.
He then neatly dodged a punch thrown by Emmett.
_______________________________________________
____
Edward pulled into the parking lot the next day and pulled
the key from the ignition. He then turned to me, his eyes
alight. “I saw a vision Alice had,” He told me. “And
Carlisle will find out about this one. Will you take
responsibility for it?”
I gaped at him. “Why? Then he will tell Charlie!”
Edward laughed. “He won’t. He will think that Emmett
tried to force the blame on you. It’ll be funny.”
This time, I laughed with him. “All right.”
He grin grew wider when he saw Emmett’s jeep park next
to us.
As we approached the building and where Mike was
standing, Edward laughed quietly. “What?” I asked him.
“He is still scarred for life from the scene at promontory
point.” I blushed, and Edward smiled his crooked grin.
Emmett walked right up to Mike with his head low, but his
was still several inches taller than Mike.
“Hi, Mike.” He murmured, sounding guilty. Several
surrounding students stopped to watch.
“Emmett,” Mike said, wary. “What is it?”
He had bags under his eyes, as if he hadn’t gotten a good
night’s sleep in a long time. This made me giggle.
Emmett then looked at Mike, raising his head. He had an
object clutched in his large hand. I just wanted to say that
I’m sorry.”
“For what?” Mike asked him, relieved that nothing bad
happened. Yet.
Emmett then began to grin slowly. “For this!” He then
whipped his hand up and pulled on the same clown mask
he wore when we first scared Mike.
Mike’s relieve face turned to one of horror, and he let out a
loud scream. He began to run, but Emmett chased him
around the parking lot, yelling.
Alice and Edward were heaving with laughter, clutching
each other for support. Angela approached me. “What’s
going on?”
I motioned to Emmett still chasing Mike.
Realization dawned on Angela’s face.
“Oh, yeah! I saw this on You Tube last night.”

BPOV:
“Emmett! I can’t believe that you would do that!” Carlisle
exploded. Emmett seemed to shrink under his gaze.
We all were back at the Cullens again; Alice persuaded
Charlie to let me stay for a few days.
“You are over one hundred years old! You need to grow
up.” Carlisle continued. Edward nudged me, and I took that
to be my signal.
I stood up, my face resigned. “Carlisle, it was me. I came
up with the idea.” Carlisle’s face became soft, before it
became furious again.
“How dare you try to blame Bella!” He yelled at Emmett.
Emmett’s face suddenly became bewildered. “What?! I
didn’t-“
“Don’t lie to me.” Carlisle said sternly. “Bella would never
do such a thing.”
Finally, Carlisle took notice of every single one of us
shaking with laughter. “Will someone please explain to me
what on earth is going on?”
Edward then stood up. “It was us. We all did it, even
Angela Weber. We were trying to get revenge on Mike
Newton because he keeps hitting on Bella.”
Carlisle’s face softened as he turned back to Emmett. “I’m
sorry for blaming you.”
Emmett shrugged, grinning. “It’s no big deal! Besides, it
was fun anyway.”
Carlisle then turned back to the rest of us as he spoke. “I
don’t want you to play anymore pranks on Mike Newton,
do you hear me? He’s going through enough trouble
because of his fear of clowns, which you started!”
He strode from the room, just before we started laughing.
“There goes our pranking spree.” I said, pretending to be
sad. Edward wrapped his arm around my shoulders, and I
leaned into him.
When I looked up again, Alice was already at the computer
desk, surfing the internet.
“What are you looking up now, Alice?” Jasper asked her. “I
need new ideas.” She explained to us.
“Check that out!” Emmett pointed at the screen. “What
about that video?”
Alice and Jasper groaned simultaneously.”We are not
watching ‘two girls, one cup’ again!” Jasper told him.
“That was disgusting!”
“What’s that?” I asked Edward, confused. “Just a really
horrible video. You won’t like it, trust me.” I let it drop
after that.
Then Emmett spoke up again. “Way to get kicked out of
Wal-Mart.” He read from the screen. “This has potential.”
Alice grinned evilly. “I can see it now…”

Bella’s Point of View

Alice just found a list of ways to get kicked out of Wal-
Mart. Great. This is definitely going to be good. “Are you
ready, Bella?” Alice asked, dancing up to me with an eager
gleam in her eyes.
“As ready as I’ll ever be.” I sighed. Alice then grabbed my
hand and yanked me out to the Volvo. As I passed, I could
hear Rosalie snickering.
“You’re coming too, Rose!” Alice called back. “There’s no
getting out of this one. Everybody will participate, just like
with the pranks!”
Emmett leapt up eagerly, followed by Jasper and Rose.
Edward was already behind the wheel of the Volvo.
“Eager to get started, Ed?” Emmett laughed. Edward rolled
his eyes. “Don’t call me that. I just don’t trust you or Alice
driving my car.”
I snorted, and then Alice whirled around to smirk at me.
“Guess what, Bella?” “What?” I asked warily. “I have the
perfect prank for you to pull at Wal-Mart!”
I groaned and Edward laughed. “What is it, Alice?” All she
did was shake her pixie head. “You have to wait and see!”
_______________________________________________
____
“Why me?!” I moaned. We were sitting amongst the
recliners in the furniture section and Alice had just told me
what my task was.
“I don’t want to embarrass anyone!” I complained. No one
was paying attention to me. Everyone was just laughing
and making their recliners shake. “It’s okay, Bella.”
Edward and Alice said simultaneously. “It’s all in good
fun.” Alice assured me.
Resigned, I stood up and Emmett, Jasper, and Rosalie fell
silent. “All right. I’ll do it.”
Alice began clapping. “Go get ‘em, Bella!”
I began strolling down the aisle only to see a young couple
walk arm in arm in my direction. I sent a pained glance
back at Alice, who motioned as if to say, You may proceed.
I sighed again, and marched up to the brown-haired man,
who had goo-goo eyes for his girlfriend.
I slapped him across the face as hard as I could.
The man was staring at me flabbergasted, so I screamed in
his face, “What the hell is this?! I though what we had was
special!!”
I whirled around and stormed back to the Cullens. I could
hear the girl screaming at her soon-to-be ex-boyfriend.
“Who was she?! What’s going on? ARE YOU CHEATING
ON ME?!”
When I came back to where Alice and the others were
sitting, I burst out laughing with them. It was pretty funny.
“Emmett!” I said brightly. “It’s your turn.”
Emmett just grinned at me. "Bring it on."
"Your task is..."

_______________________________________________
__________
“Your task is to strip down to your underwear and run
human speed through the store while Jasper is throwing
waves of lust to all the other customers.” I finished smugly.
Emmett’s face fell slightly, while Edward and Jasper were
roaring with laughter; Rosalie looked delighted. “Go ahead,
Emmett!” She said eagerly.
Alice was grinning madly. “This will definitely be good!” I
sat down in the recliner and leaned back.
Emmett stood up slowly, his curly hair slightly
drooping.”All right. Jasper let’s get this over with.”
Jasper jumped up eagerly and followed him to the next
aisle over. “Good task, Bella.” Edward told me.
“Definitely.” Rosalie agreed.
“Keep your hands to yourself, Rose.” Alice reminded her,
and Rosalie’s face fell slightly and she pouted.
“Ok,” Emmett’s voice said. “I’m ready.” He and Jasper
came back around the aisle, just in time for me to turn
away. I had no interest in seeing Emmett half naked.
After a moment, Emmett said, “You can look, Bella.”
Thankfully, he was only wearing a pair of boxers. I looked
up directly into his face and told him, “You may begin.”
Emmett sighed and said, “I might as well enjoy this.” He
immediately jumped into the next aisle with a loud,
“WHOO!”
Then he began running through the store. Almost
immediately, Jasper’s waves of lust began to overpower
everyone and they began chasing him.
It was very disturbing to see men chasing a guy who was in
his underwear.
Suddenly, a teenage girl jumped straight into Emmett’s
path. “Hi!” She said breathlessly. “I’m Izzy! Will you
marry me?!” She asked in a half crazed voice.
Emmett gaped at her, then just ran around her. Not to be
discouraged, Izzy followed him. “I’m still here!” She
screamed.
As Emmett rounded the store, he said to Edward, “Help
me!”
Edward smiled and nodded to Jasper, who sent waves of
boredom and disgust to the shoppers, including Izzy.
While the others went back to their shopping, Izzy just
stared at Emmett before she screamed, “I’m still going to
marry you someday!” Then she left.
Emmett sank back into his chair after getting dressed again.
“I’m really surprised we haven’t been kicked out by now.”
Alice said.
“Yeah, no kidding.” Emmett told the pixie vampire. “I pick
Edward for the next task.” He grinned evilly.
Suddenly, Edward said, “Listen!”
We all froze just in time to see the same couple I harassed
earlier walk right past us. One again, the girl was screaming
at the guy.”Now you’re chasing men?! YOU ARE SUCH A
MANWHORE!”
There was a moment of stunned silence, before we burst
out laughing.
__________________________________
Emmett turned to Edward, his face smug. “You’re
challenge is to pretend to drown in that kiddie pool over
there.” He pointed to the Toy Department where a child’s
swimming pool was conveniently placed in the middle of
the department full of water.
“Okay….” Edward said slowly. “I see no point in this,
however.” “Edward, the tasks are supposed to be
pointless!” Alice reminded him.
Edward sighed in resignation. “Fine.” He got up and
walked to the Toy Department. He glanced in both
directions before he threw himself into the pool.
He didn’t even do anything before we started laughing. I
had never seen Edward act like this, and frankly; it was
hilarious, to say the least.
Water splashed all over the aisle before Edward began
thrashing around in the pool. “Oh, dear God! Help me! I’m
drowning! I see a long white tunnel!”
Several people stopped to stare at him; some even threw
money, thinking that it was a show. “Don’t throw money at
me, THROW A LIFE PRESERVER!” He yelled.
Finally, one man came out of the crowd to lend a hand.
Edward grabbed it, but suddenly a voice cried out, “WHAT
IS WITH YOU AND MEN?!”
It was our oh-so-special couple, back again for more
torture. The man dropped Edward’s hand, horrified. “I was
just trying to help him, Bella!”
For a moment, I thought he was talking to me, but then I
realized that his girlfriend’s name was Bella too, which
Emmett and the others found hilarious.
“Don’t lie to me, Jacob! He isn’t really drowning!” Bella
screamed. By this point, even Edward was laughing at the
irony of the situation.
“Wow, Bella!” Emmett howled. “She has your name!” The
other Bella looked over at me, and her face grew even more
furious than it was. “So you are dating ANOTHER Bella?!
Am I not good enough for you?!”
They began yelling once more when Edward came back
over to us, his clothes soaked. “Anything else?” He asked
wryly.
“Of course!” Emmett beamed. “Now you have to go up to
an assistant and ask for mayonnaise.”
“That’s it?” Edward asked, confused. Then he grinned,
seeing the rest of Emmett’s plan in his mind.
He then went straight to an employee, whose tag also read:
BELLA. How many Bella’s really live here?
“Can I have some mayonnaise?” he asked in a formal tone.
“Sir, I don’t have any.” The girl replied. Then Edward
stomped his foot. “Now how am I supposed to paint my
toenails?”
Then the rest of us howled with laughter as Edward
stormed off, still in his soaked clothes.
Once Edward bought new clothes to change into, he turned
to Alice. “Your turn.”
Alice smiled at him. "Bring it on Eds."
Edward scowled for a moment before he said, "Pretend the
intercom is the voice of God." Alice stood up without
another word.
She knew when the intercom would come on, so she was
ready. She wandered the store until she was in the grocery
department when the intercom came on.
"Cleanup in aisle 12. Cleanup in aisle 12."
Alice fell to her knees, her hands thrown up into the air.
"God has spoken!!" She yelled, completely playing the
part. The customers began staring at her, fearing for her
sanity. Alice jumped up and ran over to an old woman.
"Did you hear that?! God spoke to me!"
Then Alice skipped off as if nothing happened. "Jasper,
you're next."

_______________________________________________
____
Jasper sat up straighter in the chair. “What do I have to
do?” He asked in a formal voice.
Alice smirked at him, and he seemed to shrink back under
her gaze. I giggled for a little bit. “Your task is to get into a
huge panic over the intercom voices.”
He stood up, grateful that there wasn’t any more. He
brushed his honey blonde hair out of his face before Alice
said, “There is also a second part. I won’t tell you what it is
until you do this one first.”
Finally, Jasper slowly walked over to the music section and
began browsing through the CDs. I saw no point in him
doing this; the Cullens had them all anyway.
Once again, the intercom came on. “Alexie, you’re needed
in the shoe department; Alexie, you’re need in the shoe
department.” An employee from the music department left
the scene, so Jasper wouldn’t get in trouble later.
Jasper fell to the ground. “THE VOICES!! OH GOD, THE
VOICES!!! WHY WON’T THEY STOP?!” He screamed.
The old woman Alice talked to earlier came up to him.
“Don’t panic, lad! It’s the voice of God!”
“I think that woman is senile!” Emmett whispered loudly,
and we all laughed.
“What’s the second part?” Jasper asked in the same formal
tone after he came back over to us. “You have to go up to
customer service…”
I didn’t hear the last part, because Alice whispered it to
him.
Rosalie and Edward were fighting back smiles, while
Emmett was shaking with laughter.
“What’s going on?” I asked Edward, confused. “Just
listen,” He told me soothingly as Jasper strode away.
“You’ll see.”
After about two minutes silence, a voice came over the
intercom. “Anita Hoare, Mike Rotch, and Hugh Jass, your
friend is looking for you.”
There was another moment of stunned silence before we
were all roaring with laughter. “Sweet Jesus,” Emmett
gasped. “That was the funniest thing yet!” Apparently,
Jasper had to make up rude names to announce over the
intercom.
Jasper came around the corner, smirking as he did. “Like
the names?” he asked as he sat down again. “Of course!”
Rosalie nearly squealed.
Just as we thought we were finished laughing, three kids
came around the corner. “Mike, who was it that called us?”
A girl asked.”I don’t know, Anita!” a boy snapped. “Shut
up, Hugh!” Mike snapped to the other boy.
We all stared at each other before the laughter began again;
this time it was louder than ever. “Rosalie,” Jasper gasped.
“Your turn.”

_______________________________________________
___________________
As Rosalie started grinning, I stood up. “Where are you
going?” Edward asked as they all looked at me.
“The bathroom,” I replied. “You can do the task without me
if you want.”
Emmett grinned back at me. “With pleasure.”
As I strode off, I began to think. People here in Port
Angeles are very strange. There’s an old woman who really
does believe the intercom voices is the voice of God, there
is a guy whose name is actually Hugh Jass, and a girl who’s
obsessed with Emmett.
I’m glad she doesn’t live in Forks.
I’m also very surprised that we haven’t been kicked out by
now. Perhaps people here frequently do things like this.
Creepy. I guess I’ll just have to get used to it.
After I left the bathroom, I abruptly ran into a large crowd
that was convened near the toy department. I could hear
some people laughing and others whispering darkly.
I pushed my way through the crowd to see Alice standing
there with a giant water gun that was almost as tall as she
was. “Just put her down, and no one will get hurt.” She said
to someone in the aisle.
I leaned around a large man to see Rosalie sitting on the
floor of the aisle. She had a Barbie swimming pool on the
ground in front of her with several beta fish swimming
inside.
She was holding a Barbie doll that was duct taped and tied
to a string above the water. This Barbie was an exact
replica of Rosalie, but it was nowhere near as beautiful.
Rosalie was also holding a match next to the string. “No
one is allowed to be as gorgeous as me! And if anyone is
going to marry Ken, it’s going to be ME!” she screamed,
looking quite deranged.
Emmett and Jasper were several aisles over, barely
containing their laughter as they watched the entire
charade.
For a moment I wondered where Edward was, but then he
came running into the aisle yelling, “NOO!” He skidded to
a stop in front of Rosalie, a scared look in his eyes.
“I’ll do anything, Rose!” He begged.”Anything for you to
let her go!”
Rose laughed manically. “Never!” She struck the match,
which burned straight through the string and sent Malibu
Barbie tumbling straight into the pool of “sharks”.
“NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!” Edward screamed again, anguished.
Rosalie leapt up, and darted out of the aisle screaming,
“REVENGE!! SWEET REVENGE!!”
Edward threw himself to the ground in front of the tiny
pool, sobbing into his hands. A hand rested on his shoulder,
and he looked up to see the voice of God woman. “Relax,
dear child,” She told him in a reedy voice. “God will send
you a message telling you it will be okay.” She motioned
toward the speaker that was directly above them and she
shuffled off.
As Emmett and the other approached us as the crowd
dissipated, the voice of the employee Bella came over the
intercom.
“Get over it.”
She must have seen the whole charade, I thought.
“I told you God would give you a message!” The old
woman called.
BPOV:
“Emmett, it’s your turn.” Rosalie grinned at him. He
grinned back at her. “There is nothing I can’t handle.”
Edward raised his eyebrows. “Ok, except for that psycho
stalker girl.” Emmett relented. “And the God voice lady.”
Edward chuckled. “Her name is Esther, by the way.” Jasper
and Alice laughed. “Good to know she finally has a name!”
Alice giggled in her tinkling voice.
“What do I have to do?” Emmett asked impatiently. “You
have to go up to random people and yell curse words at
them.” Rosalie told him smugly.
Edward groaned slightly. “How would that make us look,
Rose? What if someone from Forks is here? That would be
bad on Carlisle’s part.”
“Don’t be such a wimp, Edward!” Alice laughed.
I smiled at Edward. “Just relax, okay? It’ll be ok.” Edward
smiled back at me. “Fine, Emmett,” he said. “Go ahead.”
Emmett jumped up and began running down the aisle.
Before anyone of us could get up, Emmett had already
screamed, “HOLY SHIT!”
We could hear a young boy laughing at him as Emmett ran
past him.
“ASS!” He roared again. “DAMN IT!!!”
By now, all of us were in stitches as Emmett swore like a
sailor to everybody he passed. “BITCH!” He yelled at poor
Esther.
She looked totally horrified when Emmett ran by. For a
moment, I thought she was going to have a heart attack.
Then she just shrugged and continued with her business.
Weird lady.
When Emmett came back over to us, his already huge grin
was even bigger. “Look who it is.” He said, and pointed
over my shoulder.
I turned around to see Mike Newton himself stroll into the
store with Jessica standing next him, his arm around her
waist.
“This is too good to pass up!” Jasper grinned evilly. “What
should we do?”
They all shrugged. I can’t believe they had no ideas for
pranks! “I have one!” I told them.
Every head turned toward me. “Here’s what you have to
do…..” I whispered as Emmett began laughing.
_____________________________________________
Within a few minutes we had all of the props set up. “Are
you ready?” I whispered to Emmett several aisles over. I
knew he could hear me, so I didn’t have to reveal myself to
Mike, who was just coming around the corner.
“I’m going to go get some hygiene products,” Jessica told
him as they approached the aisle. “I’ll be right back.”
Perfect. Mike would be alone.
Mike grunted with a slightly disgusted look on his face; he
had no interest in Jessica’s monthly problems.
We had set up a large doll on the shelf in front of Mike. We
had purposely styled the doll’s long black hair to where it
was hanging down her face with only one eye showing.
We had also placed a high-tech walkie-talkie behind it so
we can speak to Mike and he wouldn’t know it.
Emmett once again had the video camera ready so he could
put it up on YouTube when it was finished.
Mike strode down the aisle, and once he was in front of the
doll, Alice spoke into the walker-talkie in a childish voice.
“Hi, Mike.”
Mike froze, his eyes darting around until they rested on the
doll. His eyes widened. Alice spoke again, barely
containing her laughter. “I’m the little girl from the well,
and I’m coming for you.”
Mike staggered backward, trying hard not to scream again
and embarrass himself. The Jasper crept up behind him and
did his trademark raspy whisper, “Seven days….” As Mike
whirled around, he was hit in the face with a handful of
skittles.
He didn’t even see who it was before Jasper dashed away.
We were roaring with laughter at the sight of Mike Newton
dashing past Jessica on his way to the doors.
Esther was at his heels yelling, “It was the voice of God!”
“How did she get over here?” Edward asked, still laughing.
I’m not sure I even want to know.

_____________________________________________
Now that we had once again succeeded in pranking Mike,
we needed new ideas on things to do.
Alice had left a few minutes ago. She had said, “We’ve
been at Wal-Mart for hours and I haven’t bought a single
thing! I’ll be back later!” Rosalie had followed her, so it
was just Emmett, Edward, Jasper, and I.
We were once again sitting in the recliners in the furniture
section, pondering new ideas.
“We can put bags of candy in random people carts.”
Emmett suggested.
“Boo.” Jasper replied and blew Emmett a raspberry with
his thumbs down. Jasper was becoming increasingly bored
with each lame suggestion Emmett came up with.
“What am I supposed to do then?” Emmett snapped. “Dress
and drag and hit on men?”
Edward and Jasper froze. “That’s brilliant!” Edward
grinned.
“Luckily I saw this coming then!” Alice danced over with
plastic bags full of women’s dresses. “That’s why you and
Rose went shopping?” I guessed. “Of course!” Alice
grinned. “There was no way that I would pass this up.”
Emmett groaned. “There’s no getting out of this, is there?”
He asked Rosalie. “Nope.” She replied, popping the last
syllable. She grinned at him, as he sadly shuffled toward
the dressing rooms.
_______________________________________________
___
“What’s taking him so long?” Rosalie asked impatiently.
“This is ridiculous.”
I grinned. I had a feeling Emmett was taking as long as he
could, so everyone would grow tired of the challenge.
“Just wait.” Edward told everyone. Suddenly, Emmett
groaned loudly. I threw my hand over my mouth to stifle
the giggles that were threatening to explode out any second.
Several women that were either waiting for dressing rooms
or just passing by, stopped and stared at the dressing room
with puzzled expressions on their faces.
Then Emmett spoke in a high girly voice, “There’s no toilet
paper in here!”
That did it. I leaned over, my hands pressed firmly against
my sides, as we all were howling with laughter, even
though Emmett was several aisles over.
Some of the women sighed and groaned with disgust as
they left the area. Employee Bella came over and pounded
on the door. “Sir or Ma’am, you need to leave. Your
business needs to be done in the can, not in the dressing
rooms.”
Emmett threw open the door, which bounced off of Bella’s
forehead. She staggered away as Emmett appeared in a
flowered dress with a blond wig on and bright red lipstick.
The Cullens all shuddered as he approached us. “I’m
scarred for life.” Edward whispered. “I have bad mental
images in my head now.”
Alice, on the other hand stood up. “Now you have to go hit
on every male customer with corny pick-up lines until we
tell you to stop.”
Emmett groaned and pranced down the aisle.
A huge buff guy then crossed into Emmett’s path and
Emmett said to him, “If I told you your body was beautiful,
would you hold it against me?”
Jasper and the others were in hysterics, but I was nearly
rolling in the aisle. Before the man could reply, (or punch
him), Emmett darted off to harass another man.
He came up to another one and said, “Can I have your
phone number? I seem to have lost mine.” “Uh….no.” The
man replied. He quickly ran in the other direction.
Then I called, “Emmett!” He turned around, and I pointed
to Jacob, the poor man I harassed earlier.
Emmett grinned evilly and darted over to him. So far, his
girlfriend Bella was nowhere in sight. Emmett pressed his
huge body up against Jacob and said, “If you were a new
hamburger at McDonald’s, you would be McGorgeous.”
By now, I was screaming with laughter. Jacob seemed to
freeze. “Er, can I help you, Ma’am? Or sir?”
Emmett then breathed into his ear, “That’s a nice shirt. Can
I talk you out of it?”
Jacob shivered when Emmett’s cold breath hit his neck.
However, his girlfriend Bella, who has just come around
the corner, didn’t see it that way.
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!” She screamed.
“WHY ARE YOU FLIRTING WITH A
TRANSVESTITE?! ARE YOU A SEX ADDICT?!”
Jacob seemed to cower under her gaze as Emmett darted
away, shaking with laughter.
When Emmett tried to approach another man, Esther, the
Voice of God woman, came up to him and pressed her
seventy-something year old body against him.
He froze. “You look gorgeous as a woman.” Esther told
him. “For the record, I bat for both teams.”
Edward and Jasper were roaring with laughter as Izzy,
Emmett’s stalker, came running around the corner with face
paint covering her face and holding a plastic sword.
“AI-EE-AI-EE-AI!!!” She bellowed a high-pitched battle
cry. “Keep your hands off of my man, you old hag!”
Emmett ripped off the dress as he ran toward us. “Help
me!”

When Emmett finally managed to get away from Izzy and

Esther, and he was literally shaking where he stood.
“I don’t ever want to see her again!” He exclaimed as Rose
rubbed his back in comfort, fighting back a laugh.
However, Jasper and Alice were howling at the look on
Emmett’s face. He then looked up and said, “Edward, your
turn.”
Edward shrugged and removed his arm from my waist.
“Bring it on.” “What does he have to do?” I asked Emmett
eagerly.
“He has to go up to a guy and pretend he hasn’t seen him in
years.” Emmett said smugly.
Edward immediately stood up. “No problem.”
As he strode around the store, I turned to Alice. “Who is he
going to pick?”
“You’ll see,” She sang excitedly. “This is going to be
good!” Her pixie frame bounced up and down in the
recliner she was sitting in.
We followed Edward discreetly around the store as he
looked at prospective victims.
He then grinned evilly and approached our friend Jacob,
who had managed to reconcile with his girlfriend Bella.
It wasn’t going to last long. Alice was right; this was going
to be good!
As he approached Jacob, Jacob grew wary and Bella’s eyes
narrowed.
Edward gasped. “Oh my God, is it you?!”
“What?” Jacob said, confused. Bella was now getting
angry.
“It is you!” Edward exclaimed. “I haven’t seen you in so
long! Why haven’t you called?”
Jacob’s face melted into an expression of horror before-
“WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!” Bella screamed.
“HOW COME YOU SEEM TO KNOW ALL OF THESE
MEN?!”
“Bella please-“ Jacob tried to explain. “DON’T YOU
“BELLA” ME!” She roared. “ARE YOU OR ARE YOU
NOT GAY?!”
Edward turned around and strode back to us without
looking back.
Emmett tried to say something, but Edward held up a hand.
“Wait.”
“YOU ARE STILL A MANWHORE!”
We all began laughing at Jacob’s misfortune. I am surprised
they hadn’t broken up by now.
As we began rounding the store to look for new victims, the
intercom came on. It was an announcement about a cleanup
in the canned foods.
Esther just happened to be standing right next to us at the
time.
She threw herself on the ground, and I’m sure you all know
what happened next.
“It’s the voice of God!”
Alice played along with the charade too. She also threw
herself to the floor, keeping up the appearance she created
hours ago.
“Oh God! He’s speaking to us!”

_______________________________________
“Alice, why on earth would you encourage her?” Edward
asked, as if they were talking about a small child. “Because
it was funny!” Alice retorted, still laughing.
The rest of us were walking around the entire store,
contemplating new ideas and victims. “Maybe we could
prank Jacob and Bella again!” Emmett practically yelled.
“No.” Jasper and Rose said simultaneously. “We need to
prank Mike Newton again is what we need to do.”
I grinned and said, “We should reunite him and the clown.”
The Cullens stopped in the middle of the aisle and stared at
me, stunned. “That’s a good idea, love.” Edward told me.
Emmett nodded eagerly. “There’s a costume store not far
away! We could get masks for all of us to wear!”
He and Jasper took off towards the doors, like little kids at
an amusement park.
“They will be back in a few minutes.” Alice assured me.
“We need to get ready, since this will be our last prank at
Wal-Mart.” Her face grew sad, as did Rosalie’s.
“Why?” Edward asked. Alice must have been blocking her
mind because she said, “You’ll see.” She then grinned.
“This will be good.”
A few minutes later, Emmett and Jasper came back with
black bags that read, MIKE’S PARTY STORE.
Edward and I laughed out loud. “This will definitely be
good.”
Emmett and Jasper immediately pulled out two very scary
clown masks from one of the bags and walked off in
different directions.
I reached in and pulled out one that resembled a clown I
saw in a Stephen King movie a while back. I shivered at the
memory.
“I want to be IT!” Alice screamed and snatched the mask
out of my hand.
“No, sure Alice, you can have it.” I told her after she put it
on and ran away towards the toy department. I had a feeling
she was going to scare a lot of children.
Edward, Rose and I put on the remaining masks and
distributed ourselves in different parts of the store.
The plan was set and in motion…
_____________________________________
As Mike was strolling through the men’s clothes, Emmett
had hidden himself amongst the racks. I was surprised he
managed to fit there.
Mike passed by the rack Emmett was hiding in. He had
placed his head in the position where it was just visible
enough that someone would notice.
He then stopped suddenly and whirled around. Emmett had
vanished. Mike shrugged. “Hmm. Must have been my
imagination.”
He strode off and then came to the electronics. He started
looking at the various music players they had stocked
behind the protective glass. Edward stood behind him then,
holding a fake knife.
Mike whirled around again, but Edward was already gone.
Looking wary, Mike again left, murmuring to himself.
“Creepy.”
Next, he stopped at a sunglasses display and began trying
some on. I don’t know why he needed them; there was
hardly any sun here. Besides, he didn’t look good in them
anyway.
Now Rosalie and I stood behind him, wearing the mask. He
glanced at Rose and me in the mirror and gasped. Rosalie
and Edward pulled me away before he turned around.
Then he stepped into the men’s room, where Jasper was. A
few moments later, he came out, practically running, his
hands still covered in soap.
What a flashback…
I then knew Jasper had shown himself. This was turning
out perfect. As Mike worked his way over to the toys, I
could see younger children running out, with scared looks
on their faces. Alice.
Mike now was standing in front of the board games,
comparing Battleship and Risk. Alice skipped up behind
him. She had actually dressed in the full clown suit with big
orange puff balls down the front of her silver suit. She was
also holding a bunch of balloons.
She tapped his shoulder. “Would you like a balloon?”
Mike froze and turned around very slowly. His eyes
widened, before he let out a blood-curdling scream of
horror.
Alice followed him down the aisle, toward the doors.
Suddenly, she skidded to a halt, the puff ball bouncing.
The rest of us did too, for standing in front of us was the
reason why Alice said this would be our last Wal-Mart
prank.
It was Carlisle.
As Alice stared at him, a balloon popped and fluttered to
the ground.
_______________________________________________
_
“What is the matter with you?” Carlisle stormed.
We were all back at the Cullens house, situated in the living
room. All of us had guilty expressions as we stared at
Carlisle and Esme.
“You made a poor old woman believe the intercom was the
voice of God?! You made a boy’s girlfriend think he was a
manwhore?! EMMETT BECAME A TRANSVESTITE?!”
He was breathing hard, and nobody spoke. I could tell that
Carlisle was amused, even over the anger he was showing
us. “What the hell is the matter with all of you?”
It was the first time I had heard him curse, and that did it.
We all busted up laughing, clutching at each other.
Then I decided to mess with Carlisle. “Esme, Carlisle
called you a whore!” I called.
“WHAT?!”

_____________________________________________
“Carlisle!” Esme gasped, skidding back into the room.
“How dare you?” “Esme, love, I didn’t-“ Carlisle tried to
explain, and then Esme smiled.
“I know you didn’t.” She turned to me. “Good one, Bella.”
I grinned back at her. “Thanks.” Emmett and the others
were just shaking with laughter throughout the entire
charade.
Finally, Carlisle grew serious again. “No more pranks at
Wal-Mart.” He said with finality, and he and Esme left the
room.
“You know,” I said, turning to Alice, who was grinning
back at me. “He never said stop the pranks in general.”
Emmett let out a loud shout of laughter and pounded my
back, which sent me sprawling to the floor. “Emmett!”
Edward said, exasperated as he helped me up. “Take it easy
with the human.”
“My bad.” Emmett said, before Rosalie interrupted him.
“We should go to the mall and continue our pranks there!”
Edward grinned at me. “Are you up for it?” He asked me.
“Of course!”
__________________________________________
We had somehow managed to get past Carlisle and Esme
and go to the Port Angeles mall.
As we took our seats in the food court, I could see the
Cullens wrinkling their noses at the smell of the human
food, and other shoppers glancing at them every few
seconds.
I could also see Jessica and Lauren throwing me nasty
looks. How Jessica got from Wal-Mart to the mall so fast I
have no idea.
Edward we driving around trying to find a parking spot.
Alice persuaded Jasper to go with her to look at handbags,
so it was just Rose, Emmett, and I.
Then I saw Lauren get up with a tray full of half eaten food,
but I stopped watching her. I was looking for Edward.
Suddenly, I heard a loud crash and felt nasty and greasy
food running through my hair and down my clothes. “What
the hell?” I said angrily, standing up.
I turned to see Lauren smirking at me. “Oops, it slipped.”
She told me. She turned to leave, and Rose put her arm
around my shoulders and said, “Don’t worry about it. She’s
a total bitch.”
We turned to leave and Lauren said, “At least I don’t look
like a slut all the time.”
Rosalie froze, and Emmett seemed to cower at the table.
“What did you just call me?” Rose asked, her voice deadly.
“S. L.U.T. Slut.” Lauren told her spelling it out. “I know
how to spell slut, you hooker!” Rosalie yelled at her.
Suddenly, Alice and the others appeared and held Rose
back. I had a feeling that if she could kill Lauren, she
would.
“I got you new clothes, Bella!” Alice said, shoving them
into my arms. “Now go change.”
When I got back, Lauren and Jessica were gone, and the
Cullens were waiting for me next to the fountain. “I have
an idea for a prank on Lauren!” Rose told me.
“I heard them say they were going to Spencer’s and they
sell sex toys there, right?” I nodded, and Rose continued.
“We can put items in her purse and make it seem like she
was stealing them!”
Edward grinned and said, “I’ll do it.”
As we walked to Spencer’s I heard Emmett whisper loudly,
“Are you sure you want to touch the sex toys, Prudeward?”
______________________________________
Sitting at a bench in front of Spencer’s, I could see Lauren
and Jessica debating over a shirt on the clearance rack.
Edward sauntered in, unnoticed by either of them. I saw
him pick up multiple sex toys, look at them, and shudder.
He then put them into Laurens purse, which was hanging
half open off of her shoulder. Idiot.
He left the store and we hid behind some plants. Emmett
tried to hide at least.
Then Lauren and Jessica exited the doors, and the alarm
went off. The security guard for Spencer’s approached
them and said, “Open your bags, ma’am.”
Lauren did, with shaking hands. The officer pulled out the
sex toys, and Jessica and Lauren gasped. Lauren’s face
turned a bright red, rivaling mine.
Then Rosalie made herself known. “Who’s the slut now,
Whoren?”
_______________________________________________
_____________________________
After Lauren managed to persuade the security guard she
wasn’t stealing anything, we were now back at the food
court.
“How did she get out of that one?” Edward asked. “The
evidence was clearly against her.”
I shrugged. “She probably paid him.” “Whose turn is it for
the challenge?” Alice asked eagerly. “I completely lost
track!”
We all nodded in agreement, but that didn’t stop Alice. “I
pick Edward then!”
Edward smiled vaguely. “What do I have to do, then?”
“You have to sing the most annoying song ever!” Alice
squealed.
“Lame.” Emmett and Jasper chorused, while Rosalie
flashed her a thumbs-down.
“That’s only part one!” Alice told them, slightly
exasperated. “Off you go, Eddie!”
Edward rolled his eyes and stood up.
He then actually started skipping throughout the food court
singing at the top of his lungs.
“I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves,
Everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves!
I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves and this is
how it goes!”
After three rounds of this, some people were covering their
ears, and another guy threw popcorn at him.
Emmett and Jasper were choking with laughter when he
came back, grinning widely. “What next?” Edward asked
Alice without sitting down.
“Go over to the escalator and pretend to get your shoelaces
stuck in them.”
Without another word, Edward strolled right over to the
down escalator and placed his shoe in the position that
made it look stuck. “Can someone help me?” He called out.
No one answered him. I think they were still mad about the
singing thing. Finally, one man decided to cut him some
slack.
Edward looked up and his face broke into a wide grin. It
was our friend Jacob from the mall, back for more torture.
He knelt in front of Edward and grabbed his shoe. “You
know, you and your friends caused me a lot of trouble
today.” He told Edward, yanking on his “stuck” shoe.
Edward grinned. “Sorry.”
The place where Jacob’s head was and the jerking motions
he was making to dislodge the shoelace made him look like
he was giving Edward a--- never mind.
The next thing that happened made us all burst into
hysterics.
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!”
Jacob’s head jerked up, horrified. “Bella!” He called out to
his lived girlfriend. “I was trying to—“
“Don’t lie to me, GAY-cob!” She screamed.
He took off running amidst laughter from the witnesses of
the scene.
After Edward returned to the table, he turned to Emmett
and whispered his task in his ear. It was low enough that
even Jasper and Rose couldn’t hear. However; Alice was
shaking with laughter.
“Do I have to?” Emmett asked. Edward grinned, and
nodded.
Then Emmett got up and went to the costume store,
mumbling darkly to himself.
When he came back out, I dropped the coke Edward bought
me. Emmett had dressed in the most ridiculous outfit I have
ever seen.
He then ran around, climbing on top of things and jumping
over railings. Finally, an employee came over to him He
must have known Emmett, because he said, “Emmett
Cullen, please refrain from disturbing the customers.”
Emmett then roared, “I am not Emmett! I am Xena,
Goddess of Fire!”
He took off running, yelling, “Ai-ee-ai-ee-ai!” and
brandishing a fake sword. By this point, Jasper looked as if
he was crying with laughter, if he could.
_______________________________________
Now that Emmett was done with his little drag show, he
returned to us with a huge grin on his face. “Beat that!” He
bragged, thankfully in his regular clothes now.
Jasper was still howling with laughter, making his chair
shake. Rosalie discreetly placed the camera n her bag.
I don’t think Emmett even knew she was recording him!
“Fine then, Jasper,” Emmett said to him. “Your turn.”
Jasper leaned back in his chair while Edward and Alice
glowered, already in on Emmett’s scheme. “I dare you to
go up to our friend Jacob and make out with him in front of
Bella.”
Jasper shot a confused glance at me before Rose choked
out, “I don’t think Emmett means our Bella!”
Jasper groaned. “I have to torture the she-devil herself?”
“Hell hath no fury…” I began. “Like a woman scorned.”
Alice and Rose chorused.
Jasper sighed in defeat. “Where is he?”
We all pointed to the Burger King, where Jacob was
waiting in line. “Bella’s in the bathroom, so go ahead.
She’ll be out in a few minutes.” Edward said and pointed
Jasper over to Jacob.
Jasper then stood up and walked over to Jacob as if he was
facing a firing squad. He couldn’t die, but still.
A couple of people who had heard what his dare was turned
to watch the show, slightly disgusted faces on some, and
eager faces on others.
“I feel so bad for those guys now.” I heard a man whisper
to his wife as Jasper tapped Jacob’s shoulder.
When Jacob turned around, Jasper planted his lips firmly
onto Jacob’s and held himself there. Jacob tried to shove
him away, but of course, it didn’t do any good.
Jacob’s hands were firmly wrapped around Jasper’s biceps,
so he could push him away. This was the wrong place to
put his hands.
“WHAT THE HELL?!”
Jasper immediately stepped back as Bella came dashing
toward Jacob, her face furious. Jasper wiped his moth
across his sleeve and grabbed a random guy’s coke and
threw it on himself, trying to clear his mouth out.
“Why are you so obsessed with men? Did I not satisfy you
enough in bed?”
I gagged then; I did not want to hear about another person’s
sex life.
Jacob’s mouth fell open. “But Bells-“
“Did you just call me BUTTBELLS?!”
Now we all were howling at this last statement. “What
next?” Jasper asked when he came back, a coke stain on his
white shirt. “Your turn to pick someone, Jazz.” Alice
reminded him, but suddenly grinned evilly.
We followed her glance to see Mike Newton himself asleep
in a chair near the escalator. “I have an idea,” Alice said as
she stood up. “Just consider this my dare!” She nearly
yelled as she ran off.
She came back a few minutes later and stuck something in
Mike’s ear and on his cap. When she sat down again, I
could see a laptop and a microphone in a bag.
Right on cue, Mike got up, stretched, and began walking to
another store. As Alice opened the laptop, I could see the
rest of the store; Alice had placed a miniscule camera on
Mike’s baseball hat, so we could see the mall front his point
of view.
Alice set up the microphone and then spoke into it, using a
child’s voice, which she imitated perfectly.
“Hi, Mike.”
Mike suddenly stopped, and we could tell his head was
darting around. “Who’s that?” He asked, timidly.
“You know me!” Alice said.
Then Mike paused. “Are you…are you my conscience?”
I began giggling behind my hands. This was going to be
good. Edward threw a grin at me and motioned for Alice to
continue.
“Yes, yes I am,” she said to him. “We haven’t spoken in a
while. How are you?”
“I could be better. I’m just trying to find a present for my
future girlfriend Bella.”
Edward growled, and Rose shushed him. “I have an idea!”
She took the microphone from Alice and said in the same
tone Alice used, “Bella would love some new lingerie!”
Edward and I shot glares at her as Mike said, “Really? I
could get her some!” He was suddenly excited.
“Go into Victoria’s Secret and get her a lacy black thong.
The smallest one there.”
As Mike went in, we all gasped. Right there, behind the
counter, was Esther, the 90-something Voice of God lady.
She worked at Victoria’s Secret. Dear God.
Rose then said, “Bella has a new address now, you know.”
“What is it?” Mike asked. “I could send this to her with a
note.” He paid for his, er, garment, and began walking to
the exit.
It was quite hilarious to see the crazy looks he received
from the employees of Victoria’s Secret.
“It is 37 Whitebluff Road. They are living there while their
old house is being fumigated.”
Suddenly, the rest of the Cullens were howling with
laughter. “Whose address is that?” I asked Edward. “It’s
Mrs. Cope’s!” He howled, and I joined in.
Mike was about to send a thong to the school secretary!
“Thanks, conscience!” Mike nearly squealed. “I love you!”
Then Rose unplugged the microphone, now laughing with
the rest of us.
“What happens when he discovers the earpiece and
camera?” I asked Alice.
“Who cares?” She choked out.

_______________________________________________
___________
We were once again situated in the living room back at the
Cullens house. I don’t know how it happened, but we
returned to the house to find Carlisle waiting for us,
furious.
Esme was behind him, her hand over her mouth holding in
laughter. He pointed to the door. “Inside. Now.”
We all trudged inside and sat on the big white couch and
surrounding chairs.
Carlisle paced on front of us, his arms folded, still in his
hospital coat. “Unbelievable. Unbelievable!”
Emmett grinned, but then the look Carlisle gave him made
his face fall. “I tell you all not to play pranks at Wal-Mart,
and you take them to the mall?!”
“We didn’t do anything there!” Emmett tried to lie, but
Carlisle interrupted him.
“Xena? Goddess of fire? Care to explain?” Jasper and
Rosalie were howling with laughter as Emmett froze. "Shut
up, Rose!" Carlisle yelled. "Whoren the hooker?" Then he
rounded on Jasper. "Did you enjoy kissing a man?"
“How did you find out?” I asked Carlisle.
“Mike Newton, Jessica Stanley, and Lauren Mallory
actually came by the hospital earlier to tell me what was
going on at the mall.” Carlisle told us sternly.
“Well, damn!” Alice said, leaning back on the couch and
folding her arms behind her head. “I can’t believe I never
saw this coming.”
Edward snickered and Esme shushed him. “Sorry.”
“You are no longer allowed to play pranks at any
department store or mall.” Carlisle said with finality.
Jasper started to protest, but Carlisle waved it off. “No
more.”
He and Esme strode from the room, and nearly everyone in
the room had disappointed looked on their gorgeous faces.
“Would you like to go to a movie, love?” Edward asked
me. “There is a new vampire movie out today.”
I smiled at him. “All right. Let’s go.”
As we stood up to leave, Alice suddenly had an evil grin on
her face. “Can we come?” She asked, giving Edward a
significant glance, and he grinned. “Of course.”
I started to protest, but Edward shushed me gently saying,
“Trust me. This will be good!” He had such an excited look
on his face that I had to agree.
_____________________________________________
As we entered the theater, we got many glances form other
patrons. Some were probably imagining dirty things, while
others were probably wary of the group of teenagers, even
though five of us weren’t technically teenagers.
Edward approached the counter and opened his mouth to
speak, but Emmett pushed ahead.
For a moment, he started at the girl behind the counter, who
had pink highlights in her black hair and was chewing gum.
She looked totally bored. “Hey, lady,” Emmett told her
sauntering closer to the counter. I could hear Rose growl
behind me. “Do you work here?” Emmett asked.
“Duh.” The girl said. “Do you want tickets or not?”
I had a feeling that she couldn’t care less what the Cullens
looked like, as long she got her paycheck.
“I would like six tickets to the Goonies please.” I choked
on the coke Edward had already bought me, and started
laughing.
“Dude, that movie is no longer showing in theaters. What
movie do you want to see?” The girl was growing
impatient, so Edward cut her some slack and said, “Six
tickets to Underworld Evolution please.”
As we received our tickets, Jasper then ran to the doors
leading to some romance movie I already saw. Apparently
Jasper had seen it too, because he threw open the doors and
yelled into the theater, “They get back together!”
He left the door open for a moment so we could hear the
outraged complaints of the moviegoers. Someone even
cursed at him. “Thanks a lot, dumbass!”
He let the door swing closed, and strode to where we were
waiting at the entrance to Underworld, his expression
smug.
As we all took our seats in the back or the theater, the
opening previews just started. Alice yelled loudly, “Can
someone fast-forward these?”
I heard some people laughing, and others crossly go,
“Shh!”
We were quiet for a few more minutes while the opening
credits began to play. Suddenly, a couple came into the
theater, clearly late.
We all began clapping loudly. “Yay!” Rose yelled. “You’re
here!”
I could barely make out the man’s sheepish glance to us as
he and his date sat down near the front.
Finally, we behaved ourselves until about halfway through
the movie when a vampire guy was attacking a werewolf
dude. I wasn’t really paying attention.
“WATCH OUT!” Alice screamed suddenly, which made
everyone in the theater jump.
“Shut up!” A guy yelled and we fell silent again.
Then when a very steamy sex scene began, Emmett got up
and ran down the aisle yelling, “HOOTERS!”
That did it. I busted up laughing, holding my sides, Edward
laughing with me.
I could hear someone muttering to his friend something
about “frat boys.”
Emmett finally came back to his seat next to Rose just in
time for shooting to begin. “Hit the floor!” Jasper shouted,
and dived into the aisle.
At this point, the other patrons were getting very angry.
Someone even kicked the back off my seat, even though I
did nothing. “Whiplash!” I said loudly, and Edward
suddenly turned around. “Did you just attack my
girlfriend?”
A person behind us was blubbering apologies, and I
discovered that it was a couple and their young son. They
explained that it was him who kicked my seat, since they
couldn’t find a babysitter for him.
During all of this, the movie had ended, so as people were
getting up to leave, some with relieved looks on their faces,
Emmett and Jasper began clapping loudly, trying to start a
standing ovation.
Only some people did it; I think the rest just wanted to get
away from us.
I followed Rose and Alice out the doors, the guys behind
us.
“Well that was a good movie.”
"I wonder what's going to happen at school tomorrow when
Mike discovers he sent the thong to Mrs. Cope?" Edward
mused. Alice shrugged. "i'm not going to look ahead. I
want to be surprised!"

_______________________________________________
______
As we all returned to the Cullens house the next day before
school, Alice suddenly began laughing hysterically.
As I feared for her sanity, I asked, “What’s so funny?”
“Carlisle found out about the movies somehow!” She told
me, still screaming in mirth.
“How is that funny?” Emmett asked, confused as Edward
began laughing as well. “Just trust us, it’s funny.” Edward
told his family as we went inside again.
He had his arm around my waist the entire time, and only
removed it when we sat on the couch, and that was to hold
my hand instead. We all waited for Carlisle to come
storming in and begin to yell at us.
However, Esme came in first. “You all are in trouble,” She
told us, not bothering to mask her amused look that was
etched into her features. “However amusing that might
have been.”
Then Edward began counting down. “Three, two, one...”
Right on cue, Carlisle came into the room, furious. There
was no humor in his eyes, but I could still tell it was there.
He was good at hiding it.
He had a mad gleam in his eyes as e began yelling. He first
rounded on Emmett. “How was the movie, Captain
Hooters?! Did you get your dose of Goonie-sex for the
day?!”
Then he turned to Jasper. “Did you manage to get away
from the gunfire?”
“I’m sorry they couldn’t fast-forward the movie, Speedy
Gonzalez!” He yelled at Alice.
I started giggling, but then he turned to me. “How’s your
neck, Whiplash Wendy?!”
We all began laughing as Edward said, “Who the hell is
Wendy?”
Esme was watching the entire scene, just about choking
with contained laughter.
“Ok, Carlisle, calm down!” Rosalie pled. “Remember your
blood pressure.”
There was a moment of silence before all of us, even
Carlisle, were nearly rolling on the floor, roaring with
laughter.
“All right,” Carlisle told us after a moment, “I don’t want
any more pranks played in movie theaters, malls, or Wal-
Mart. Understood?”
We all nodded. Somewhat satisfied, Carlisle then bid Alice,
Edward, and I a good day at school.
“Don’t forget about the thong today!” Emmett whispered to
Edward, but it was loud enough that I could hear. “Record
it.”
Edward nodded, eager for the day to start.
This was definitely going to be good….
_______________________________________________
__
The ride to school was the longest ride I have ever
experienced. We all were so excited to see Mike’s reaction
that we didn’t bother going to our lockers or anything yet.
“Look!” I hissed to Edward, pointing as the secretary got
out of her car. He and Alice turned to see Mrs. Cope pulling
at the rear end of her skirt, clearly uncomfortable with
whatever she was wearing underneath.
I wonder what that could be…
We followed her into the hall, and as she stopped to talk to
another teacher, we began to lean casually against lockers,
waiting for Mike to come this way.
Then there he was, accompanied by Eric and Tyler.
“I sent her the thong I bought yesterday,” he was saying to
them. Mike had most likely told the story to everyone who
would listen.
He didn’t even notice that we were here at all. He paid no
attention to Mrs. Cope, and she paid no attention to him.
Then Mrs. Cope said to the woman she was conversing
with, “I got this thong in the mail yesterday from a secret
admirer, and it’s been riding me all day!”
The hall broke out in whispers, as Mike froze, his face
mortified.
Suddenly, laughter broke out, as Mike’s face turned red.
“What’s wrong, Mike?” Alice asked innocently. “Did your
conscience tell you to send it?”
He nodded, knowing that out of everyone in the school she
was the one who was most likely to believe a ridiculous
story.
Alice began laughing, and Mike demanded, “What’s so
funny?” “Tell him, Alice!” I squealed.
She then adopted the same childish voice she used when
she pretended to be his conscience. “You should send Bella
some new lingerie!” She mocked.
“You can’t prove it was me!” Mike said confidently, trying
to regain some of his dignity. “Yes we can.” Edward said,
and held up a tape recorder.
“Get her a lacy black thong,” Rosalie told him. “The
smallest one there.”
“Thanks, conscience!” Mike’s voice issued from the small
speakers. “I love you!”
Mike’s face became even redder as people began laughing
and pointing at him. He then strode down the hall, not once
looking back at us.
___________________________________________
“How do you feel now, Edward?” Carlisle asked him after
school. “How many times are you going to prank this poor
boy?”
“Enough times to where he leaves Bella alone.”Edward
told his father defiantly. “Besides, if Bella will ever wear a
thong, it’ll be one that came from me.”
I blushed furiously, and Emmett and Jasper were roaring
with laughter.
“Shut up.”

__________________________
“Edward!” I hissed, embarrassed. He didn’t usually say
things like that. Nevertheless, I liked it.
“I’m just telling it how it is, love.” Edward told me.
“Besides, you liked it anyway. I can see it in your face.”
“So?” I retorted as Emmett began laughing again.
“I feel a little bad for Mike now,” I said then. “We have
publicly humiliated him!” “He should have learned not to
harass my girlfriend.” Edward nearly growled.
“We could have just threatened him!” I said, exasperated.
Edward opened his mouth to speak, and then stopped,
realizing that I was right.
Then Jasper came to his rescue. “It was oh, so entertaining
though.”
I grinned in spite of myself. “I’ll give you that one.” Jasper
grinned back at me. “That’s what I thought.”
“Was it really necessary to bring up my nonexistent future
thongs as a conversation topic though?” I demanded to
Edward.
“I wouldn’t say ‘nonexistent’ Bella…” Emmett said slyly,
and Alice, Rosalie, and Jasper began snickering as Edward
made shushing motions with his hands. He threw a death
glare at Emmett as I asked slowly, “What do you mean?”
Emmett leapt off the couch, totally gleeful that he could
dish out the dirt on Edward. “Edward practically has a
whole shrine of gifts that he plans on giving you!” He
shouted. “This includes lingerie, jewelry, clothes, books,
more jewelry and lingerie—“ “Enough!” I shouted
embarrassed, as Edward buried his face in his hands.
“Edward got them because I suggested it.” Alice said
formally sitting up straighter.
“But why?” I managed to choke out. “I had a vision that
you would need them.” She said, grinning again.
Suddenly, Edward stood up. He couldn’t blush anymore,
but I knew that he was embarrassed beyond belief. “Bella,
perhaps we should go to that movie that we were supposed
to see earlier?” He suggested through clenched teeth.
“Yes, please,” I told him, relieved. “Anything to get away
from Emmett!”
Edward grinned and escorted me out of the house, ignoring
the laughs of his siblings.
He then stopped and looked backwards. “I’m still going to
kill you all someday.” He called back to Emmett and the
others.
_________________________
Edward and I had decided to go to a totally different movie
so we wouldn’t torture the employees anymore at the other
theater.
For Port Angeles being as small as it was, I was surprised it
even had two movie theaters.
I wasn’t even paying any attention to what movie we were
going to see; I was too busy staring at Edward.
By the time we had gotten out tickets and had found empty
seats, the theater was nearly full.
I bent over to grab my fallen bag, and I suddenly heard
Edward groan loudly. It was a mix between exasperation
and delight.
I looked up to see Emmett and the other approach us and
grab empty seats. “Ready for the movie, Eddie?” Emmett
laughed loudly.
“As ready as I’ll ever be.” Edward told him.
As the movie finally started, various “Shh!” and last minute
whispers were heard.
Within the first few minutes of the movie, Rosalie had
taken out her iPod and turned it on.
She began singing. Loudly.
I ain't trying to fuck ya man,
Everybody knows he ma numba' one fan.
I done, been there, done that, bitch an'?
You wanna get mad bitch, I don't give a damn!
She was singing so loudly that someone threw their
popcorn bucket at her, and it was a large bucket.
Rose then put her iPod away with a disgruntled expression
on her face and several pieces of popcorn stuck in her hair.
I tried to keep myself from laughing, but I couldn’t fight
the grin that worked its way to my face. I then turned to see
Emmett holding a large pile of paper in his lap.
He was folding them into paper airplanes at light speed,
preparing to throw them into the audience below.
He pulled his arm back, and threw one forward. As it fell,
he then began going, “Newwwww!” making airplane
noises.
“Emmett!” I hissed. “Shut up!” Without thinking, I then
hissed, “Tell your precious Tila Tequila impersonator over
there that she needs to shut the hell up too!”
Suddenly, Alice took this huge popcorn bucket that she
somehow managed to buy and threw its contents into the
air. “It’s snowing!!!” She squealed.
Delighted, Jasper then got out of his seat and began making
snow angels in the giant pile of popcorn on the floor.
I turned to Edward, wondering why he was so silent and
calm about all of this. I jumped backward, startled.
Edward was wearing the most ridiculous hat that I had ever
seen in my entire life. It was a foot and a half high with red
and white stripes on it.
How he managed to sneak it into the theater, I have no idea.
He turned to look at me, an expression of great amusement
in his face.
That did it. I started laughing so hard that my face turned
red.
I swear, the Cullens are all insane. The craziest vampires in
the world.

________________________________________
Now that the movie was over, the Cullens and I were
crossing the parking lot to go to our respective cars,
Edward still wearing his hat. “You know,” Alice said to
Rosalie, “That singing really sucked.”
Rosalie scoffed, playing along. “Please! I am Tila Tequila!”
“That means you’re a slut AND a lesbian!” A voice
exclaimed. We turned to see Lauren and Jessica; the latter
with her face in her hands. I’m pretty sure she knows now
to leave us alone.
Lauren just didn’t get it. “What did you say?!” Rose asked.
“I’m a slut and a what?”
Lauren’s smirk grew even wider. “L-E-Z-B-E-E-Y-A-N.”
The rest of us started laughing. Lauren thought she was all
that, and she couldn’t even spell lesbian!
Rose started laughing. “All you are is a dumb blonde
hooker who can’t spell lesbian.”
“Takes one to know one.” Lauren said smugly, and Rosalie
lunged. Emmett got his arms around her just in time, and he
pulled her towards his jeep.
Still chuckling, Jasper, Alice, Edward, and I piled into the
Volvo and drove off, Emmett right behind us.
“I have a feeling Rose will kill her in her sleep.” I said, and
Edward grinned. “Rose is seriously considering it right
now.”
We began laughing, but it was cut short as we rounded the
bend in the Cullens driveway.
Carlisle was so furious that he had hidden in a tree right
above us and dropped on top of the car hood, still in his lab
coat. How does he find out about these things?! I’ll ask
later when he isn’t so angry. Right now he looked slightly
deranged with anger.
“AAAHHH!” I screamed as Edward swerved and hit the
brakes.
As we got out, I was shaking furiously. Emmett and Jasper
were roaring with laughter at the sight of my quivering
frame.
“Are you mad, Carlisle?” Edward asked. “You nearly
scared her to death!”
“How does it feel when the jokes are on you?!” Carlisle
nearly yelled.
“Esme!” Alice called, pouting. “Carlisle is being a big fat
meanie!”
We all stared at her. Did she just say that Carlisle was a
meanie? I rest my case when I say that the Cullens are all
crazy.
Esme came around the side of the house. She was wearing
gardening gloves, so she must have been planting
something. “Carlisle!” She said her hands on her hips as if
she was reprimanding a child. “If you can’t play nicely,
then you are going to get a time-out.”
The rest of us were in hysterics. Esme was completely
going along with us, and Carlisle was probably considering
sending us to therapy.
Finally he straightened up and wordlessly pointed to the
house. We shuffled in, guilt evident on all of our faces.
Carlisle began pacing for a moment before he spoke. He
was trying very hard not to explode at all of us.
“First of all, I have not now, nor have I ever been a big fat
meanie.”
I choked back a laugh.
“What is a movie theater used for?” He asked.
“To watch movies.” Jasper mumbled.
“Exactly,” Carlisle told us. “It is not a Hooters, it doesn’t
snow, The Goonies no longer play there, Tila Tequila is not
a part of the show, you’re not allowed to tell other patrons
what happens at the end of movies, Dr. Seuss hats are not to
be worn to movies, previews can’t be fast-forwarded, and
the shooting in the movies isn’t real.”
He then turned to Esme. “Did I miss anything?” “The
people behind the counters do actually work there and you
don’t have whiplash just because someone kicked your
seat.” She told him. “And yelling ‘WATCH OUT!’ does
nothing. The people in the movies can’t hear you.”
“Thanks, Love.” Carlisle told her and she smiled.
Carlisle turned back to us, his face deadly. “If I hear that
you have played any more pranks in Wal-Mart, the mall,
the movie theater, or on Mike Newton, your cars will be
donated to charity.”
“Okay Carlisle,” Alice said standing up. “We’ll stop.”
“Thank you.” Carlisle said, smiling. Then his face fell
when he saw the look Alice was giving him.
“You have to do something for us first.”
________________________________________

Carlisle seemed to slump forward. “What do I have to do?”

He asked in a defeated voice.
I was surprised Carlisle agreed to go along with it so
quickly. I mean, being as pissed as he was just earlier;
enough to where he scared the crap out of me, I kind of
figured he would have screamed, “NO!” in her face.
I saw Esme come sidling back into the room. I had a
feeling that she was eager to find out what Alice want her
husband to do. Even if Carlisle was angry at us, she thought
the pranks we pulled were hilarious.
Alice grinned evilly and so did Edward. “You and Esme
have to play a game of Truth or Dare with us.”
Her voice was smug, and Emmett, Jasper, and Rosalie
began laughing. “Do it, do it, do it!” They chanted.
I started to smile, and Carlisle gave in. “Fine! Fine! I’ll do
it. Anything to stop the pranks!” “I don’t know why it was
such a problem,” Edward said. “None of them were
focused on you.”
“They could have been, that’s all I’m saying.” Carlisle
retorted as he sat cross-legged on the floor.
Esme came moments later after putting her gardening
gloves away. She sat next to Carlisle on the floor and they
unconsciously intertwined their hands.
It was comforting to know that even while Victoria was still
out there, at least we could get rid of our troubles for a
while and that it didn’t strain the relationships of the Cullen
family.
“Here is your dare—“ Alice said before Carlisle interrupted
her.
“Why do I have to go first? Why is it automatically a
dare?” He whined. “Because.” Jasper said, as if it was a
suitable answer.
Alice then continued as if there was never an interruption.
“You have to call Lauren Mallory’s parents and make them
believe she’s pregnant.”
Carlisle’s mouth fell open. Esme even got up and
personally got the phone for Carlisle. “What’s her
number?”
Rosalie gave it to him. She probably knows Lauren’s
family history and her social security number.
Carlisle then put it on speaker phone and dialed. A woman
picked up the phone and said, “Hello?”
Carlisle threw Alice a frantic glance, but it was no use.
Finally, he said, “Is this Mrs. Mallory?”
“Yeah, who is this?” Lauren’s mom asked rudely. God, she
was just like her daughter.
“This is Dr. Cullen,” Carlisle said, and her tone changed
immediately. “Oh yes, of course!” Lauren’s mom said
trying to sound sexy, but failing miserably.
Esme actually growled, and Mrs. Mallory said, “What was
that?” “It was just my...dog.” Carlisle invented wildly.
“Anyway, back to the topic at hand.”
“Is there something wrong?” Mrs. Mallory asked. “Well,
yes and no,” Carlisle told her. “We have the results of her
pregnancy test.”
“WHAT?!” Mrs. Mallory screamed through the phone.
“Yes, I’m afraid it’s true,” Carlisle told her in his most
convincing doctor voice. “But I’m afraid there is more.”
“More?!” Lauren’s mom asked, her voice deadly. This was
definitely going to be good. Emmett and the other
exchanged delighted looks, excited that Carlisle was going
along with the joke so quickly.
“Yes. Lauren also has Gonorrhea.” Carlisle added.
There was a few seconds of silence before we could hear
Lauren’s mom screaming at her. “You’re pregnant?! Who’s
the father?! Have you been sleeping around?!”
“I’m not pregnant!” Lauren pled. “How do you explain the
gonorrhea then?” Her mom demanded. “You weren’t
supposed to know!” Lauren wailed.
She really did have gonorrhea?! Blackmail!
Carlisle hung up, and the room exploded with laughter.
Carlisle even joined in. “That wasn’t as bad as I thought!”
Carlisle explained, and we all laughed harder.
Once it finally subsided, Carlisle then said, “Bella, truth or
dare?”
“Wait!” Esme interrupted. “You said to Mrs. Mallory that I
was a dog?!”

_______________________________________________
_
“Esme, love-“ Carlisle tried to explain. “I didn’t mean that!
I swear, I didn’t!”
Esme tried to keep the serious and angry look on her face,
but she couldn’t. She then began giggling.”I’m sorry
Carlisle!” She nearly squealed. “You opened yourself up
for that one and I just couldn’t pass it up!”
Carlisle turned away. “Humph. Meh.”
That sounded really weird coming from Carlisle.
Completely ignoring Esme’s apology, he turned back to me.
“Truth or dare, Bella?”
I sat in silence for a moment, pondering. I’ve never played
this game with the Cullens, so I didn’t know what to
expect. Just because Carlisle was super nice all the time,
that didn’t mean he couldn’t come up with cruel
suggestions for the game.
I threw glances at everyone, including Edward and Alice.
They had perfect poker faces on, so I couldn’t tell if I chose
truth or dare and whether it would be embarrassing or not.
“I pick…truth.” I said finally. Suddenly, Alice let out a
high-pitched squeal of a laugh. I knew then that this wasn’t
going to be good. “What is one secret you have never told
anyone?”
I groaned and Edward straightened up. “It had something to
do with a guy, right?”
I nodded, and Emmett burst out laughing.”Tell us, Bella!”
“Yeah, tell us!” Rosa and Jasper chorused.
“OK, fine!” I exclaimed. “When I was a sophomore, I
played truth or dare with some of my old friends. They
accused me of having a crush on a senior, which wasn’t
true, so they dared me to dress in a slutty outfit and knock
on his door.”
Edward growled. “What’s his name and social security
number?”
“I didn’t do anything to him!” I said hastily. “Besides, I
love only you.”
I started to hug Edward and he leaned forward to kiss me,
but Emmett mimicked shoving his fore finger down his
throat and made a loud gagging noise.
“Fine then, Emmett!” I told him. “Truth or dare?”
Emmett would never turn down a dare, and I knew this, so
he said, “Dare!” in a loud tine, puffing his chest out.
Jasper snorted, and Emmett seemed to deflate a little.
“What do I have to do?” “You have to sign yourself up for
a sex-addicts meeting.” I told him smugly.
Emmett stood up. “Fine.”
He strode out of the room amidst laughter coming from all
directions. Of course Emmett would do t! He was probably
in there right now proudly explaining in great detailing
every sexual act he has done.
“Good one, Bella!” Rosalie told me, and I smiled.
Hopefully Rosalie and I were on good terms now after all
of the things we had done.
Several minutes had passed, and Emmett came back in,
doubled over with laughter.”The meeting wasn’t over!”
Carlisle exclaimed. “What are you doing back so soon?”
Emmett placed his large hands on the back of Jasper’s chair
and choked out, “The doctor-“
“What about the doctor?” Alice asked. “It was his name!”
Emmett laughed.
“What’s so funny about someone’s name?” Esme asked,
just as confused as I was.
“His name was Kraven Moorhead! A sex-addict doctor’s
name was ‘craving more head’!” Emmett howled.
Jasper began roaring with laughter, and his emotions were
going haywire, so we ended up laughing too. “I couldn’t
stay,” Emmett explained. “My entire chair was shaking
when he introduced himself!”
Once we all calmed down, Emmett asked, “Esme, truth or
dare?” “Truth.” She said firmly.
Emmett then asked, “What’s the craziest place you and
Carlisle have done it?”
Oh God. I thought I was going to die. I was blushing
furiously, and Rose and Alice were giggling. Edward was
grinning but not for long.
Esme buried her face into her hands before she said as
quietly as she could so that I could hear too, “The Volvo.”
Edward’s mouth fell open, his face a mixture of disgust and
horror. “NO!”
Emmett was laughing loudly and pounded his brother on
the back. “You’ve been sitting in a sex chair this entire
time!”
“Did you know this, Alice?!” Edward demanded of his
favorite sister. “Duh!” She howled, shrieking with laughter.
“Your car is a love machine!” Rose exclaimed, delighted.
Edward clenched his teeth, and Esme and Carlisle looked
like they very much regretted agreeing to play this game.
“Bom chicka wah wah…” Jasper murmured.
“Truth or dare, Alice?” Esme whispered.
“Dare.”
_____________________________________________
Carlisle sat there on the ground, a thoughtful look on his
face. It made no sense, since Alice could see what was
coming anyway.
Sure enough, Alice’s face went from one of calm to one of
complete horror. “NO, Carlisle!” She yelled. “I’ll do
anything but that!”
Carlisle then grinned. “I dare you to donate your most
expensive clothes to charity.”
Rosalie grinned at that. “I’ll help you, Alice!” She said
brightly. “That’s practically everything I own!” Alice
complained as Rose pulled her up out of the chair.
“Do it, Alice,” jasper said soothingly. The entire room
seemed to become calm all of a sudden. “You can buy new
clothes later.”
Alice took a deep unnecessary breath and said, “All right.”
She then permitted Rosalie to pull her upstairs. For the next
several minutes, all we could hear was the occasional yells
of, “No, Rose! Not that!” from Alice and “I’ll burn it if you
don’t hand it over!” from Rose.
“Well, well, well,” Emmett chuckled. “Someone has a
clothes fetish.”
When they returned, Rosalie was holding several huge
garbage bags full of clothes, shoes, and various other
valuables. Alice strode past Carlisle without looking at him
and proceeded to bury her face into Jasper’s shoulder.
Drama queen.
Rose threw the bags into Emmett’s jeep and came back
inside. “We’ll donate them when the game is over.”
Alice’s head snapped up. “Fine,” She retorted. “Rosalie,
truth or dare?”
“Dare.” Rose said smugly. Just seeing that look alone sent
shivers down my spine. It was totally dangerous and it sent
a message to Alice. If you try to get rid of my possessions, I
will destroy the Porsche.
Alice got the message, and her face seemed to fall. “I dare
you to send some of your lingerie to our friend Jacob with a
note saying you enjoyed the night last night.”
Rose groaned, and then laughed. “You don’t have his
address!” “As a matter of fact, I do,” Alice replied, pulling
a slip of paper out of her pocket. “Bella lives with him too.
I saw this dare ahead of time, so I got the supplies I would
need.”
Edward laughed at the look on Rosalie’s face. “Never cross
a fortune teller!” He told her.
Emmett somehow managed to procure a piece of paper and
a pen. “Here. Write.”
Rosalie bent over the paper and scribbled her message to
Jacob. “I have an idea!” Edward exclaimed and dashed
upstairs. When he came back, he was holding several open
foil packages.
“Sorry Emmett,” He shrugged. “I had to borrow these from
your room.”
I gaped at the items that Edward dropped into the box.
“Condom wrappers?! Since when do you need those?”
Emmett smirked at me. “Those are flavored.”
EWWW!!! I did not need to know that.
Rosalie threw her note into the shoe box that once housed
shoes that, thanks to Carlisle, Alice no longer owned.
“Let’s go.”
Rosalie now had an eager look on her face as we drove
down the road. It turns out that Jacob and Bella lived only a
few streets over from me.
We pulled up in front of the house. It was a quaint thing, a
light yellow in color. Rosalie had dressed in, well, I
wouldn’t say slutty, but it was the only word to describe it-
a dark red dress that was way too low cut.
Emmett was throwing anxious glances at Rosalie and
Edward was wincing because of Emmett’s thoughts. I don’t
think he’ll be able to keep his pants on if Rose kept
dressing like this.
Rosalie then got out of the car and strode up to the door.
Before she rang the bell, she placed a small microphone on
the inside of the mail slot.
When she rang the bell, Bella answered it immediately. Her
happy face fell. “Can I help you?” She asked rudely, giving
Rosalie a once over.
“Hello, I just came to return this to Jacob.” Rosalie thrust
the box forward and Bella took it.
As Rose returned to the car, Jacob came to the door. He
opened the box and read Rose’s note.
“Thank you for the wonderful time I had last night. We
should get together and do it again.”
“What?!” Bella shrieked. “Give me that box!”
She snatched it back and it fell to the ground. The contents
spilled out; the condom wrappers and someone had put in a
pair of boxers.
I’m afraid to ask who it was.
Jacob immediately cowered; even through Bella had yet to
start screaming at him.
Emmett shivered in anticipation. “Three, two, one…”
“That’s it!” Bella screamed. “I have had it with you and
your obsession with sex! For the past few days I have seen
you with either men or women!”
“I’m not gay!” Jacob roared.
“Not gay, my ass!” Bella screamed. “You really have ‘been
there, done that’ haven’t you?!”
After this, Jasper drove off, and we could still hear Bella
and Jacob screaming at each other.
On the way back, Rosalie said, “Jasper, truth or dare?”
_______________________________________________
____
There we were, spread around the large living room…
pissed at each other.
Edward was angry with Carlisle and Esme for sleeping in
his Volvo and not telling him, Alice was angry at Carlisle
for making her donate her favorite clothes, and mad at Rose
for being all too happy about it.
I think Rosalie just wanted to have the best things out of the
family. I bet Alice was glad she didn’t have to get rid of her
Porsche.
Rosalie was still mad at Lauren for calling her a slut and a
hooker. I have a feeling that she had come up with so many
ways to either humiliate or kill Lauren.
I was angry with Carlisle because he made me tell the
secret that I had originally hoped to take to the grave. I had
even sworn the friends I was with to secrecy. Hopefully
they haven’t told anyone!
Esme was angry with Emmett for revealing her dirty
laundry to everyone.
Emmett was mad at me because he never got a chance to
stay at his sex-addicts meeting so he can spill his sex
secrets to others.
The only person who wasn’t angry by his own doing was
Jasper. He was only angry because he felt everyone else’s
emotions and let them get the best of him.
He whipped his blond hair out of his face and answered
Rosalie’s question. With him being a soldier, he had no fear
at all, so naturally, he announced, “Dare.”
Rosalie opened her mouth and then closed it, pondering a
dare for him to do. One that would totally embarrass him.
“I dare you to…wear nothing but toilet paper as clothes for
the rest of the game.” She stared at him smugly, daring him
to retaliate.
Jasper seemed to pout as he stared at her. “Are you
kidding? We don’t even have toilet paper!” “Actually we
do,” Esme told him. “Do you remember the human who
frequently stays here? If you don’t, she’s sitting right next
to you. Her name is Bella.” She spoke slowly as if he was
mentally incompetent.
“I’m not stupid, Esme.” Jasper told her through clenched
teeth. “I’ll be right back then.” He then stomped up the
stairs.
As he did so, Emmett burst out laughing. “This is going to
be the best dare ever!” He sounded like an excited
schoolgirl. His huge frame was bouncing up and down in
his chair, shaking with excitement.
When Jasper finally came downstairs, I was in tears. He
had completely covered himself in toilet paper, making a
shirt and pants. On top of that, he had fashioned himself a
type of turban thing to wear in his head.
“Nice touch, Jasper,” I giggled over the laughs he was
receiving. “Shut up, Bella.” He told me, winking. “If I’m
going to do this dare, I might as well make it interesting.”
“You do realize that your dare was to wear that the entire
game?” I continued. “So if we have to leave the house, you
have to wear that turban thing too!”
There was a pause. “Shit!”
The laughs erupted again. “I like it,” Emmett said. “It adds
to the outfit.”
“Nah, there’s too much white!” Alice disagreed squealing
with laughter.
Jasper crossed his arms and pouted. “Fine then. Edward,
truth or dare?”
Now that the focus was on him, Edward seemed to tense in
his seat. He frowned when he glanced at Alice, so she was
hiding what she had seen about his choice.
“I choose truth.” Edward said firmly. Jasper grinned. “All
right. How old were you when you had your first real
kiss?”
Edward looked down, embarrassed. “Seventeen,” he said,
very quietly.”It was with Bella.”
“You’ve been alive for a hundred and seventeen years and
you had never kissed a girl until you met Bella?” Emmett
asked, gleeful. “I thought being a sex-deprived horndog
was bad…”
Edward shot Emmett one of his trademark glares. “Don’t
talk to me like that! Who was it that caused us to move
from Ottawa because they told the entire city about their
various ‘sexcapades’ in great detail?”
Emmett didn’t think this was an insult. Rather, he took it as
a compliment. “Of course! I am a sex god!”
Jasper snorted, causing his ‘turban’ to shake, and Emmett
actually stood up and slammed his foot onto the surface of
the coffee table, making it shake. He then proceeded to
place his hands on his hips, looking like someone posing
for a romance novel.
“Here he goes,” Alice groaned.
“Who was it that gave Hugh Hefner the idea to create
Playboy Mansion? Was it not I? From the time I was a
young lad, I was forever known as the playboy who would
yell, ‘Bow down, bitches!’ and they would do so, kneeling
at my awesome power!”
Emmett thrust his fist into the air, and I burst out laughing.
Rosalie was pounding her hand into the floor; Alice was
rolling in her chair, Jasper doing the same.
Esme, Carlisle, and Edward all had their heads in their
hands, but I knew they were just as amused as I was, no
matter how many times they had heard his speech.
“Now, sit slaves,” Emmett commanded, “And let us
continue this temptress of a game, for it is beckoning us
forward, calling for us to reveal our innermost thoughts and
secrets for the other players to use, and portraying this
game as a perfect epitome of embarrassment.”
“All right, King Henry,” Rosalie said sarcastically. “Pick
someone.”
Emmett grinned evilly. “I pick…”

_______________________________________________
________
Emmett threw himself back down onto his chair. I swear I
flew up several inches out of my seat.
“Chill, Emmett!” Edward scolded. “I believe it is my turn
anyway.” He scoped the room, looking for a weak spot.
His eyes then rested on Esme, who gulped. I think she was
sorry for “using” Edward’s car without asking, or even
telling him she used it at all.
Edward straightened up and said formally, “Truth or dare,
Esme?”
Esme’s eyes darted around the room, contemplative. “I pick
dare.” Esme replied.
Once she saw Carlisle incredulous stare, she explained why
she chose dare. “There is no way I’m picking truth again!
Knowing them, they’ll come up with some other nasty or
crazy question for me to answer.”
“I dare you to order a pizza.” Edward told his adoptive
mother. She smiled in relief; thinking that it was all she had
to do. “Then you have to eat it.” Edward told her smugly.
“All of it.”
Her mouth fell open in horror as Alice began dialing. “Yes,
I would like a large pizza with anchovies, mushrooms,
pepperoni, and lots of jalapenos and garlic sauce.”
I was confused for a moment, but then I remembered what
Edward told me in school a while back. Human food tasted
like bitter mud to vampires.
I felt bad for Esme, since she would have to cough it all up
later.
Several minutes of horrified silence passed before the bell
rang.
Emmett bounded over to the door and flung it open. There
standing on the door step, was the person he least wanted to
see.
It was Izzy. She let out a loud shriek and dropped the pizza
box she was holding. “I love you!” She managed to gasp
out breathlessly.
Emmett began backing away slowly, and Rosalie said
loudly, “That home wrecker Izzy isn’t here is she?”
As Rosalie approached Emmett, Izzy stared her down, an
expression of great distaste on her face. “My cousin told
me about you,” Izzy told Rosalie, “She says you’re nothing
but a dumb blonde trampy slut who sleeps around.”
It took Rosalie great strength to keep a level head. “I take it
that your cousin is Lauren Mallory, am I right?”
Everyone else was paying attention to the confrontation
except Esme. When no one was looking, she took the pizza
out of the box and, using her vampire strength, threw I out
the window as far as she could.
I snickered and Esme smiled at me. We turned back to the
fight, and Izzy had just said, “You’re a skank.”
“Your mom is a skank.” Rosalie said smugly.
“Here we go,” Jasper said. “Rosalie is about to start one of
her famous ‘Yo mama’ wars.” “This will be good.” Alice
agreed, and Emmett nodded in agreement.
“Fine,” Izzy replied. “Your mom is so fat, that when her
beeper went off people thought she was backing up.”
Esme ground her teeth, but we ignored her for once. I
wanted to see this. “Your mom has more chins than a
Chinese phone book.” Rosalie told Izzy.
Carlisle actually burst out laughing at that one.
Izzy’s Pizza Hut hat seemed to drop before she retorted
back, “Your mom is so fat she had to be baptized at Sea
World.”
Emmett started laughing, but fell silent when Rose shot a
glare at him. “What? That one was funny!”
“Your mom is so stupid that she got looked inside a grocery
store and starved to death!” Rosalie yelled. “Oh yeah?!
Well your mom is so skinny that when she turned sideways,
she disappeared!” Izzy yelled back.
“Your mom is so old; she has a picture of Moses in her
yearbook!” Rosalie screamed. “Your mom is so old; she
was a waitress at the Last Supper!” Izzy screamed back, her
hair flying in all directions.
“Your mom is so nasty, I called to say hello and she gave
me an ear infection.” Rosalie said smugly.
Izzy frowned. “You may have won this one, but I’ll be
back!” She turned and stomped out the door.
“Should we tell her that she was never paid for the pizza?”
I asked.
“No.” Several voices chorused.

__________________________________
“I swear I’m going to kill them all.” Rosalie said viciously.
She swung her blonde hair out of her face and slammed
herself back down into the chair.
“Hey, where’s the pizza?” Alice asked then, sticking her
head out from behind Jasper. “Esme was supposed to eat it,
remember?”
Everyone turned to look at Esme, who had an innocent look
on her face. “I, uh, ate it!” She stammered. “It was totally
nasty.” She placed her hand over her stomach to emphasize
her point, but no one bought it. “Nice try, Esme.” Jasper
told her.
“You’ll just have to eat something later.” Emmett told her,
and she frowned. “Is it my turn to pick?” “Yes, love,”
Carlisle told her. Then Esme said, “I pick Bella.” All eyes
were on me, and I grinned sheepishly. Great.
“Truth or dare, honey?” Esme asked kindly.
Edward gave me a reassuring squeeze and I gulped. “I pick
dare.” I said meekly, and Esme looked thoughtful. I think
she was trying to come up with a dare that wasn’t as
embarrassing as the last one.
As she deliberated, I glanced around the room. Rosalie and
Emmett were whispering to each other. I have a feeling I
know the topic of discussion.
Alice was impatiently tapping her fingernails on the arm of
the couch, her other arm swinging off the edge.
Jasper was sitting patiently with his arms folded, staring at
Alice as if she was the most fascinating television program.
Carlisle was doing the same thing to Esme; he just wasn’t
making it as obvious as Jasper was.
“I dare you to pretend to be someone in this room and
imitate them.”
I then sighed, thankful that it was all I had to do. I already
had an idea in mind of the person I was going to imitate.
Alice snorted and Edward was grinning. Good. At least I
would be funny.
I stood up and placed my hands on my hips. “Emmett?
Where’s my monkey-man? I want my big giant teddy bear
to give me a massage! I need a mirror! Tell me I’m pretty!”
Emmett, Jasper, Alice, and Edward began laughing, but
Rosalie stared at me with clenched teeth. She was trying to
scare me into stopping, but I could tell she was amused, so
I decided to bring it up a notch.
“Did you just call me a slut?! Well, your mom is so fat, all
the restaurants in town have signs that say: ‘Maximum
Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR your Mom’.” I pretended to
brush my hair out of my face.
By this point, Rosalie was shaking in her seat.
“Oh yeah? Your mom is so fat she wore Guess jeans and
the answer popped out!” I yelled again in my fake fight
with an imaginary Izzy.
By now, Rosalie was waving her hands and gasping for air.
“That was the funniest thing I have ever seen in a long
time!” She squealed.
“You forgot to mention me!” Emmett pouted. “She did
mention you, ‘monkey man’.” Edward told him.
“I am not a teddy bear!” Emmett growled. He stood up, and
I thought he was preparing to start another sex speech.
Then Emmett yelled, “I am Xena!”
_______________________________________________
_
I’m pretty much scarred for life now. Not literally, at least.
Emmett had gotten up and put on his Xena costume right
there in the living room in front of everybody.
Carlisle then proceeded to chase Emmett around the yard,
since Emmett was told to destroy the atrocious costume,
which he had no intention of doing. According to him, he
was going to make Rose wear it sometime.
Oh, joy.
Esme just got up and retreated back to the garden so she
could continue whatever she was doing back there. Jasper
got up with a relieved look on his face and dashed upstairs,
returning dressed in regular clothes again.
Alice suggested we drive around town, and we agreed.
Edward refused to let anyone else near his precious Volvo,
so we took Emmett’s jeep instead. You know, ‘borrowed
without permission, but with every intention of bringing it
back’ kind of thing. “What should we do?” Alice asked
eagerly.
I turned around in my seat to see Alice bouncing up and
down, causing the car to shake. To an outsider, it probably
looked like we had hydraulics. Jasper rested his hand on his
wife’s shoulder and stared at her. “Well, I’m bored!” She
said defensively.
Edward grinned from the driver’s seat and Jasper mimicked
him. Only Rosalie didn’t say anything. We all stared at her;
Edward through the rearview mirror.
She had her iPod headphones in, singing once again with
her eyes closed and her head resting against the back of the
seat. “Don’t trust a ho, never trust a ho…”
“So you admit it!” I exclaimed loudly and her eyes snapped
open. “I’m not a slut!” She screamed, her eyes wild.
“I never said you were a slut, I said you were a ho. There’s
a difference.” I said smugly. Edward snickered as Rosalie
got a dangerous look in her eye. “It’s my turn to be you!”
She said with mock excitement. Jasper and Alice stared,
their curiosity rekindled.
Rosalie straightened up and cleared her throat
unnecessarily. “Someone make me a sandwich! I’m hungry,
so I need to eat 24/7!”
Alice snickered, and Rose continued, goaded. “Help me,
I’m bleeding! Oh god, I tripped again! I’m so clumsy!”
Jasper was laughing by this point, so Rosalie said, “I need
sex! Edward, sleep with me!” “No, Bella,” Alice said,
played the part of Edward. “I want to keep my virginity for
the rest of my life thank you.”
Jasper started howling by now, and then Rose said, “But
Edward! I just love you so much that I want to prove my
love and sleep with you because everyone else is!”
“What about the other poor girls who no longer have a
chance with sleeping with me? How will they feel? I care
about others, you know.” Alice replied.
“We’ll make a porno, then!” Rosalie squealed.
“SHUT UP!” I roared, and the car fell silent. Before I could
start yelling, Jasper pointed out the window and said,
“Check that out!”
We all looked outside. “It’s nothing but a Build-a-Bea-“ I
replied then stopped. The Cullens were sending each other
evil glances.
“I have an idea to mess with Emmett…” Rosalie said,
grinning widely. “Follow me.”
We proceeded to exit the car and follow her into the tiny
store. Screaming kids and exhausted parents were
everywhere.
We then hid behind several large racks of clothing as
Rosalie called Emmett cell phone. It rang twice before
picked up. “Hey, babe. Where are you?”
Rosalie pretended to sound furious. “Someone at this store
keeps harassing me! He won’t stop! Can you come
straighten him out?”
“Of course.” Emmett growled, and asked again. “Where are
you?”
Rosalie told Emmett the address, so we had to wait until he
arrived.
While we were waiting, Alice was absent-mindedly
dressing a brown animal of some sort in tiny clothing. We
were watching her until a loud voice yelled, “Rose?”
We peeked around the rack to see the huge form of Emmett
standing in the middle of the store. The parents were
grabbing their children and running from Emmet as soon as
possible.
Emmett glanced around the store several times, looking for
Rosalie. I don’t think he even knew what store he was in.
Suddenly, he got a glance of a sign. “Build-a-Bear.” He
murmured quietly. Then he abruptly yelled. “Bears?!”
He ran to one rack that housed polar bear stuffed animals.
He then proceeded to rip them apart with his teeth.
“Sir-“ An employee ran over to try and stop him, but he ran
the other way after seeing Emmett turn toward him with
cotton stuck in his teeth.
Emmett started to destroy the workshop yelling, “Bears! I
hate bears!”
After several minutes of watching Emmett ransack a shop,
he stopped. We thought he was finished, since every bear
was in shreds, spread all over the store. Suddenly, he
spotted a giant grizzly bear stuffed animal on the rack we
were hiding behind.
“GRIZZLY!” He roared, snatching it up. “YOU DIE!”
Emmett yelled, sounding very much like Tarzan of the
Apes.
He tore its head off before Rosalie stood up. The rest of us
were behind her, staring at Emmett like he lost his mind.
“What are you doing?” Rosalie asked.
Emmett had the decency to look sheepish, as it seemed he
couldn’t come up with a suitable answer. Finally, he looked
up through his curly hair, resembling a small child.
“The grizzly looked at me funny.”

____________________________________
Emmett followed us back to the jeep, a sheepish expression
evident on his face.
Some of the employees were watching us leave; some were
furious and others were just relieved that the madman was
leaving.
“You do realize we have to pay for that now, right?”
Edward said, holding back laughter.
“Yeah, I know,” Emmett said. “I’m not stupid, you ree-ree.”
Jasper snorted loudly, and Rosalie said scornfully, “You’re
not stupid?”
“No, I’m not!” Emmett defended himself as we climbed
into the jeep. “Who was it that just called Edward a ‘ree-
ree’ then?” Alice snickered.
Emmett opened his mouth, no doubt to throw Alice a smart
aleck comment. He then realized that they were right about
his stupidity. “Damn!”
We started laughing at him. “All right, all right,” Emmett
said in a good natured tone. He was also smiling; good to
know he could take a joke. “Who’s up for my challenge?”
Intrigued, I asked, “What is it?”
Emmett whispered the challenge into my ear as Edward
ground his teeth together. “Come on, it’s just a joke!”
“Do it, Bella!” Alice told me eagerly. When I saw her
golden eyes lit up in excitement, I relented. “Fine. Where
do you want me to do it?”
“Over at that corner.” Rosalie pointed out the window at
the street. The corner in question was littered with garbage
and various…items.
“That corner is known for prostitution!” I exclaimed.
“Exactly.” Jasper said, and he reached into the back seat, a
smile on his face.
Once I become a vampire, I am going to kill Emmett the
first chance I get.
Jasper had reached into the back seat where all of Alice’s
most expensive clothes were. I had forgotten that she was
supposed to donate them. According to Emmett, at least
there was a last use for some of them.
Alice and Rosalie took me into a clothing store nearby and
dressed me in these clothes. Alice had several garments of
clothing that were in my size, and they were way too big
for her.
Why did she even buy them? I was afraid to ask.
While they were picking out clothes for me, Alice and Rose
had excited and happy grins on their faces. It was good to
know that they were getting such amusement out of my
embarrassment.
They picked out the most god-awful clothes I can imagine.
There were several words to describe them, which included
slutty, skanky, trampy, ho-clothes, the dishin-the-dirt skirt,
and others.
I stepped out of the store, receiving many stares from male
patrons. As I returned to Edward, his eyes bulged. “Wow,
Bella,” He stammered, “You look-“ He then paused,
struggling to find the right word.
“Bootilicious?” Emmett suggested. Edward then proceeded
to punch him while Jasper roared with laughter.
Edward continued to mutter darkly as Rosalie ushered me
to the Corner of Crackheads.
When I turned around, they were all back in the jeep,
watching me and shaking with discernible laughter. Alice
motioned for me to start. I knew the Cullens could hear me
from where they were, so I took a deep breath, put on
sunglasses Rosalie gave me, and began the challenge.
“Excuse me?” I motioned to several men who passed me.
“Will you be my baby daddy?” “How about you, sir? Will
you be my baby daddy?”
I could see Emmett roaring with laughter, and Edward
glaring at every man that spent more than two seconds
staring at me.
After about ten minutes of this-Emmett never told me when
to quit-I heard a police siren, and saw a very familiar
cruiser approaching.
The Cullens stopped laughing and stared incredulously.
They began roaring with laughter again when my own
father approached me. A vein in his forehead was pulsing.
If there was one thing my father hated, it was prostitution.
“Young lady, you do know that prostitution is illegal in the
state of Washington, right?”
I nodded, suddenly nervous. Charlie was staring at me
sternly. “How old are you?” He asked. “Eighteen.” I told
him meekly.
“What parents would let their eighteen year daughter sell
themselves?” He said angrily, circling me. “How would
your parents feel about this?”
I shrugged, not sure how to answer. Charlie took that as a
signal of disrespect, so he said, “Take off your sunglasses,
young lady.”
Shit! I pulled them off slowly, prepared for his reaction.
When he fully saw my face, his eyes bulged. “Bella?!” He
managed to choke out.
“Hi, Dad.” I said weakly.
He then collapsed in a dead faint.
Edward and the others surrounded him, concerned. It was
Alice who broke the silence.
“You killed him!”

_________________________________________
“I didn’t kill him!” I said exasperated as Edward began
waving his hand above Charlie’s face. He began to stir, and
I sighed with relief.
I heard Emmett and Rosalie having a heated argument, but
I ignored them as I knelt as low as I could in front of
Charlie without revealing anything.
“Bella?” He asked, still only partly conscious. “What’s
going on?”
“It was just a bet, dad,” I said gently. “I wasn’t really trying
to sell myself.” “You sure as hell weren’t!” Charlie
exclaimed animated. “If you were, you’d be arrested,
regardless if you’re my daughter or not!”
I opened my mouth to reassure him again, but I was
interrupted by the sound of laughing. Charlie began
rubbing his head; he hit it pretty hard when he fell to the
pavement, so I knew I was safe.
Emmett had somehow persuaded Rose to continue my
challenge, which explained their argument earlier.
Rosalie was waving at passing men. “Baby daddy?
Someone please help me and be my baby daddy! It’s my
dream to be on Jerry Springer, Maury, and Girls Gone
Wild!”
I started laughing as our oh-so-special friend Jacob passed
by, determined not to look at Rose. I then figured out why.
Bella was across the street browsing through the books.
Rosalie reached out and grabbed his arm, just as Bella
looked up and spotted him. “I just want a baby daddy!”
Rosalie exclaimed. “Are you trying to ignore me?” She
asked him in a low voice.
Jacob nodded, but unfortunately his girlfriend only heard
Rose say, “I want a baby daddy!”
With a loud cry, she launched herself across the street,
keeping an eye on the traffic. “ARE YOU TRYING TO BE
HER BABY DADDY?!” She roared, completely ignoring
the cop that was still seated on the sidewalk.
“This is my man, you slut!”She screamed at Rosalie, who’s
greatly amused face became deadly. All of us who knew
not to call Rosalie a slut winced. Bella was about to get it
now.
Was it another yo mama war? I had hoped so, until Rosalie
launched herself at the girl and dragged her to the ground.
She was trying hard not to use her vampire strength, and it
showed. Rosalie and Bella rolled around on the ground,
slapping each other and pulling hair. “Bitch fight! Bitch
fight!” Emmett yelled, thrusting his fist in the air.
Edward shushed him, and Emmett was silent for a moment
before he yelled again, “Take her top off!”
Charlie had come round by this point, and he had also seen
that Bella was the one who instigated the fight, so he
jumped in and dragged her out; momentarily distracted,
since Rosalie had a handful of her hair.
“I’m going to have to take you downtown for disturbing the
peace.” Charlie told her as he placed her in handcuffs. “You
are under arrest.”
She was then ushered into the backseat of the cruiser.
Before Charlie drove off, he had a last message for me.
“The next time I see you; those clothes had better be
burned.”
I nodded, and he drove away.
For a split second, Jacob was stunned. His face then split
into a wide grin. “I’m free! I’m free!” He yelled gleefully.
“Ding-dong, the witch is dead!” He began singing as he
skipped away, still in high spirits about his now ex-
girlfriends arrest.
“I wonder who else we get to torture once he gets a new
girlfriend.” I wondered aloud.

___________________________________________
We were in trouble now. We were stupid enough to hang
around at the street corner for another few minutes.
Charlie apparently decided to return to see if we were still
there, which we were. I was just thankful I had changed out
of those horrendous clothes before he arrived.
Unfortunately, Rosalie did not.
Charlie still believed she was trying to sell herself, so she
was now in the back of the cruiser on the way back to The
Cullens house. Charlie was going to tell Carlisle.
When Emmett caught sight of his wife getting arrested for
prostitution, he began laughing so hard that he was arrested
for disturbing the peace. The employee of Build-A-Bear
wasted no time in informing Charlie of this as well.
Now they both were being taking to Carlisle. For once, they
both were extremely nervous.
As Charlie approached the house with Rose and Emmett
behind him, Carlisle came around the corner with Esme by
his side. “Chief Swan! What a pleasant surprise!” Carlisle
said warmly and shook my dad’s hand.
“It won’t be peasant in a minute.” Alice whispered to me,
and Jasper snickered, an eager look on his face.
“May I ask what brings you here?” Esme asked politely.
“Your son has been arrested for destroying a Build-A-Bear
store.” Charlie informed them. At once, Carlisle’s face
became stony as Esme hastily bit back a laugh.
“I see my daughter is in handcuffs,” He said through
clenched teeth. “What did she do?”
Charlie was apparently eager to say this so he quickly burst
out, “Prostitution!”
Esme suddenly started laughing at Charlie’s outburst, and
he stared at her, as if she was mentally insane. “Mrs.
Cullen, your daughter was trying to sell herself, and you are
laughing about it?”
“I’m sorry,” She apologized quickly. “It was just the way
you had said it that was amusing.”
Charlie nodded slowly, and glanced at Rose, who was
standing there with her arms folded look very impatient.
“Mr. and Mrs. Cullen, I recommend that your children
attend a sex-addicts meeting with a highly recommended
Dr. Moorhead. Unless she wishes to go to jail, Rosalie is
required to attend, as is Bella.”
“Of course Chief Swan,” Carlisle told him. “She will be
there.”
Charlie nodded, and with a last wave and a stern glance at
me, he left the property.
The moment he was out of earshot, Rosalie began shouting,
her eyes bright. “Why on Earth do I have to go to that
wretched meeting? This will be the end of my social life!
You can’t be serious!”
“I am.” Carlisle said firmly. “You are required to go to this
meeting. At least Bella and the others will be with you.”
The protests began again; this time from everyone else.
“Bring it on! Mr. Moorhead and I have an unfinished
session!” Of course Emmett took the opportunity. Jasper
could really care less, but Alice was more adamant. “This
cuts into my shopping time! It’s a whole 3 hours that I will
never get back!”
Finally Edward spoke. “You want a virgin to attend a sex-
addicts meeting? This is atrocious.” “You can pick up tips,
Eddie!” Emmett told him, completely ignoring the glares
he was receiving. “You know you want to get some tips, so
don’t try to deny it.”
“I am not trying to get tips!”Edward protested angrily.
“Denial is not a just a river in Egypt, Eddie!” Alice sang,
prancing around like a ballerina.

_______________________________________________
__
After much protesting, Carlisle forced us to go to this sex-
addicts meeting, driven by him of course. Emmett was
whistling in contentment from his place in the back seat.
Rosalie and Alice were both angry that it would cut into
shopping time at the mall, but Carlisle no longer trusted us
to go to the mall alone. I wonder why….
Jasper could care less where we went, and I was a little
embarrassed and angry that Charlie was making me go. We
told him it was just a joke, for crying out loud! Perhaps he
was just being cautious.
“You know, Carlisle,” Edward said loudly with his arms
folded. “If any of us need to go to this meeting, it’s you and
Esme, since you both defiled my car with your activities.”
Emmett snorted, and Carlisle sighed. “It’s just a precaution,
Edward. I’m also trying to teach Emmett a lesson here.”
“So we all have to suffer?” Edward said sourly, but no one
said anything, although I had a feeling that they agreed
with him. “I’m sure this will be a little interesting.” I said
gently, trying to sooth him. “Perhaps, love,” Edward
agreed. “But Emmett will be there. He will make it his
personally mission to embarrass the hell out of all of us.”
I glanced at Emmett, who actually saluted me with a
devilish grin on his face. The rest of the ride to the
community building was silent. When Carlisle pulled up,
he turned around in his seat to stare at all of us. “You all
had better stay for the entire meeting. I don’t want to hear
anything bad from Dr. Moorhead, because he has my
number in case of an emergency.”
“Yes sir.” Five voices chorused. I was almost afraid to step
inside now. What if there was someone I knew in there? I
turned to Edward as we got out of the car. “I hope Lauren is
in there.”
He chuckled. “She is. Her mom made her come after the
gonorrhea incident and pregnancy scare.”
Emmett, Jasper, and Alice began laughing, but Rosalie
groaned. “Shit! She’ll never let me live this down!” “Not at
all.” Jasper told his “twin”. She shot a glare at him. “Shut
up.”
Carlisle drove off without a word, so we ascended the steps
into the old gray building. As we entered, all that was in the
entry was a large wooden desk with a rather large red-
haired woman behind it, fumbling with a rubix cube.
We stood in front of the desk for several moments before
she realized we were there. “Can I help you?” She asked,
dropping the cube and placing her hands on the computer
keyboard trying to make it seem as if she was working the
entire time.
“We are here to see Dr. Moorhead.” Emmett exclaimed
proudly.
The woman pointed down the hallway to the left, and we
trooped down towards the only door there, with a small
plaque that read: DR. KRAVEN MOORHEAD.
SPECIALIZING IN THE TREATMENT OF SEXUAL
ADDICITION.
I only managed to take a deep breath before Emmett flung
the door open with a bang. “We’re here!” He yelled.
At that moment, I had to hastily bite back a laugh. Esther,
known to us as the voice of God woman, was sitting among
the other five people there. Also there was our friend Jacob
and Lauren Mallory, the latter looking very embarrassed
with her head down and her eyes on the floor. Another man
and a woman I didn’t know were there as well.
At the sight of us, Jacob let out a loud groan. Emmett flung
himself into the open chair next to him. “Hey, Jacob!” he
said loudly. “Jacaroony, Jacob-crack-corn-and-I-don’t-
care…”
Jacob seemed to sink lower into his chair as the rest of us
scrambled to get seats. Edward immediately pulled me into
a chair next to him, with Alice next to me, and Jasper next
to her.
We smirked at Rosalie when she realized that the only
empty chair left was next to Lauren. She sat down slowly,
sending death glares to all of us; a “sleep with one eye
open” kind of look.
“So, when is Dr. Moorhead going to be here?” Emmett
asked. “I want to get the ball rolling!” The unknown man
snickered as Emmett then caught sight of Esther.
“What’s up, Esther? What brings you to this fine
establishment this evening?” “Some blonde bimbo was on
my corner yesterday, so I went to another one and got
caught by the po-po.” She replied haughtily.
Alice and I began laughing as Rose clenched her teeth.
By this point, a tall man with graying hair and a mustache
entered the room in a casual sweater and jeans. He put a
pair of glasses on as he took a seat and picked up a
clipboard. “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.”
“Good evening, Dr. Moorhead.” Several voiced chorused,
certain people louder than others. Dr. Moorhead then
looked up. “I see we have several new members to add to
our little family here! Dr. Cullen informed me of the
circumstances, so four of you are not actually addicted to
sex, am I right?”
Edward, Alice, Jasper, and I nodded. “I believe five people
here are not addicted to sex, Doctor.” Rosalie said loudly,
raising a hand. “Rosalie Hale, is it?” Dr. Moorhead asked,
raising his eyebrow. “May I ask, what brings you here
then?”
I began snickering as Rosalie froze. “Ms. Hale?” Dr.
Moorhead prompted. “Prostitution.” She said softly. “What
was that?” Dr. Moorhead asked politely. “I’m afraid I didn’t
catch that.”
“PROSTITUTION!” Rosalie roared, and the entire room
went silent. Lauren was staring at her, probably coming up
with dozens of way to use this newfound information as
blackmail. “Bella’s father caught me on the street corner
yesterday. It was a harmless prank, but the chief of police
didn’t see it that way.”
“The only addict from the Cullen family is Emmett here?”
Dr. Moorhead asked, and Edward raised his hand. “Doctor,
I don’t see a reason for my girlfriend and me to be here.
She and I are not addicted to sex.”
“Is that so?” The doctor asked skeptically. “She and I are
both virgins!” Edward exclaimed impatiently.
“Yes, Doctor, I am addicted to sex!” Emmett boasted
proudly, interrupting Edward. “All kinds of sex, oral,
dominant, submissive…”
I groaned, and Edward had a disgusted look on his face, no
doubt form the vulgar and repulsive things Emmett was
thinking of in his head that he wasn’t allowed to say.
“Doctor Moorhead, this is the problem with my husband!”
Rosalie said. “He’s like a lava lamp; fun to look at, but
really not bright.”
I started laughing as Dr. Moorhead looked abashed. “So
Emmett, you have the most experience in your family?”
Jasper started snickering as Emmett nodded proudly. “Dr.
Moorhead, I believe virginity is a disease. It can be cured.”
He received a high five from the unknown man, while the
woman just looked disgusted. “I also have noticed lately
that my wife is a sex object. When I ask for sex, she
objects!”
Edward began laughing as Rosalie suddenly had a smug
grin on her face. Then Dr. Moorhead asked, “When was the
last time you had sex?” “Two days ago. It was so great, the
neighbors had a cigarette!” Emmett said, despite the groans
and laughs that could be heard. “Emmett!”Rosalie hissed.
“Quite frankly, I don’t understand while my brother here is
still a virgin,” Emmett continued as Edward got this dark
look on his face. “He spends half his time sucking face with
Bella here; he should have at least made it to 2nd base!”
My face was abnormally red, but Emmett ignored me. “The
Chicago Cubs score more often than they do, and that’s
saying something.”
“Emmett here has actually stolen my brother Jasper’s civil
war costume so he could role-play.” Edward proceeded to
throw in his two cents and Jasper threw Emmett a very
dangerous look that just screamed die, Emmett, die!
“My wife liked it!” Emmett protested. “Besides Jasper,
who was it that decided to play Alice in Wonderland in the
back of Carlisle’s car?”
Alice covered her face with her hands as I stared at her
incredulously.
“From what I can remember, Carlisle doesn’t know that his
current Mercedes isn’t the original one that he had bought,
since a certain someone had to replace the old one.” Jasper
retorted.
If Rosalie could blush, she would have by now.
“Anyway, back to Edward here.” Dr. Moorhead
proclaimed, putting Edward on the hot seat. “So you have
never had sex yet?”
Edward nodded. Dr. Moorhead was no longer paying
attention to the other people in the room. Apparently we
were the most interesting patients he’s had in a long time. I
actually saw Lauren get up and sneak out of the room.
She didn’t go unnoticed by Rosalie either; her eyes were
following her out of the room.
“Are you sexually frustrated, Mr. Cullen?” Dr. Moorhead
asked. Suddenly, a voice spoke, “Yes!” It wasn’t Edward
who had spoken; his mouth didn’t even move. I could tell it
was Emmett.
The doctor didn’t notice that fact. “So is Bella as sexually
frustrated as you are?” “I doubt it.” Edward admitted, and
my mouth fell open.
“Ooh, someone’s getting horny!” Emmett squealed in a
loud voice when he saw my face. I glared at him, and then
Jasper spoke, no doubt to poke fun at Edward.
“Dr. Moorhead, Emmett referred to Edward as this
yesterday, but I feel the need to say it again; Edward is a
sex-deprived horndog who also happens to be sexually
frustrated. I have seen him kissing Bella. Every time she
pulls away, it is like a flood of disappointment and
frustration.”
“How do you know this?” Dr. Moorhead asked, his
eyebrows raised once again. “Because I can pretty much
feel their emotions, you know? It rolls off of them in
waves!”
“Yeah, Bella believes that Edward doesn’t want to sleep
with her, while in reality, he wants her. Really badly, I
might add.” Alice told the doctor.
“Can you read emotions too?” Dr. Moorhead asked
sarcastically. “I can practically see into the future! Their
virgin years will be coming to an end!” She spoke as if we
were dying of old age.
“Edward is so frustrated; he’ll get like twenty blowup dolls
just to relieve the tension!” Emmett yelled.
That did it.
“I will never do such a thing!” Edward roared. “If I want to
relieve sexual tension, my fiancé will be more than happy
to satisfy me as I will be for her!”
Oh my God. Did Edward just say what I thought he said?
He sat back in his chair fuming. Then he threw his arm
over his head in embarrassment. “Drama queen.” Jasper
said.
“Can we please return to the discussion at hand?” Dr.
Moorhead asked impatiently. “I believe that it was about
Emmett’s addiction.”
“What do you want to know?” Emmett asked as he leaned
back in his chair; it creaked under the pressure.
“How bad is this addiction? Do you use different objects or
substances to satisfy you and your partner?” Dr. Moorhead
asked, and Edward groaned. This would definitely be
embarrassing.
“Yes I do. Various toys, chocolate syrup, marshmallows,
whipped cream; all that jazz.” Emmett said proudly.
“I swear to God, I saw handcuffs and a French maid
costume in his room once.” I informed the doctor. Then he
asked Emmett another question.
“Have you ever tried hitting on other girls before you
married your wife?”
Edward clenched his fist and I blushed. “I told Bella a
pickup line, and Edward punched me. It was just a joke
with Jasper, but they didn’t know that.”
“What was this pickup line?” Moorhead asked. I blushed
again; I wished the ground would swallow me up. “I told
Bella that the word of the day was legs and I invited her up
to my room to spread the word.”
Alice and Rosalie started screaming with laughter.
“Emmett is so obsessed with sex that he dressed in drag
and hit on men at Wal-Mart!” I yelled.
Dr. Moorhead began scribbling furiously on his clipboard.
“What happened?”
“Let me reenact it for you!” I exclaimed and stood up. I had
had it with Emmett, so I was going to rub it in his face.
I began walking around the room and striding through the
middle of the circle of chairs. When I started talking, I
actually used a deep voice. “If I told you your body was
beautiful, would you hold it against me?”
The rest of the Cullens, minus Emmett, were in hysterics.
“’Can I have your phone number? I seem to have lost
mine.’”
Dr. Moorhead was staring at us like we were lunatics, but I
continued.” ‘If you were a new hamburger at McDonald’s,
you would be McGorgeous.’ And finally, ‘That’s a nice
shirt. Can I talk you out of it?’”
I fumed silently in my seat as Edward had a proud look on
his face.
Dr. Moorhead looked at us with a bemused expression on
his face for several moments before a timer went off.
“That’s the end of the session!” He said all too eagerly. “I
bid you all good night, and I hope to see you again soon.
Very soon!”
During all of his little speech, he was ushering us out the
door. I didn’t even pay attention to the fact that we all had
stood up and went for the door.
As we descended the steps, we approached the jeep where
Carlisle was waiting with a smile on his face. “How did it
go?” He asked brightly.
It was a moment before Emmett spoke. “I think it went
rather well.”

At once, there was a sudden storm of shouting; so much I

couldn’t tell who it was from.
“The hell it was!”
“Went well my ass!”
“I need lipstick.”
“Alice in Wonderland?”
I noticed that nearly everything that was said was focused
at Emmett. “Pretty much everything that was said in that
meeting was jokes about the rest of us!” I complained to
Carlisle. “Emmett was an ass the entire time we were in
there!”
“Is this true, Emmett?” Carlisle asked in a deadly voice.
“Because if it is…”
“It was.” Emmett confessed in a small voice. He then
proceeded to tell Carlisle the entire story; everything that
happened and everything that he had said about all of us.
By the time we returned to the house, Carlisle was nearly
shaking in fury. The meeting did nothing, and he was angry
at Jasper and Alice for ruining his old Mercedes and that
the one he currently had was a replacement.
He stomped up the steps and a few moments later I heard
his office door slam and Carlisle faintly yell, “If I was a
human I would be drunk right now!”
Jasper snorted and Edward chuckled. I was surprised that
Emmett even felt guilty at all. “I’m sorry for embarrassing
you guys and getting you all pissed off.” He said slowly.
“I wasn’t pissed off at all.” Rosalie lied. I rather thought
she was trying to impress us, but we didn’t fall for it. “You
liar!” Alice scoffed. “You were angry, Rose. I should
know.” Jasper agreed.
“Please! Nothing can make me angry.” Rosalie boasted.
“You know what?” Edward asked. “I smell a bet coming
on.” “I couldn’t agree more.” Emmett said eagerly.
“What’s the challenge then?” Rosalie asked suspiciously.
“All you have to do is go a full day without getting ticked
off at any of us.” I said, and Rose smiled. “Bring it on.”
______________________________________________
Less than an hour had passed and we were all back to our
normal routines; except for me of course. The only problem
was that we couldn’t come up with a single thing to do that
would annoy Rosalie.
We tried hiding her clothes, joyriding in her car, but she
always either caught us or just laughed off our feeble
attempts.
“We’ve tried everything!” Alice moaned as Rose listened
from the living room. “Everything!”
Rosalie snickered, and I suddenly had an idea.
“I’ll be right back!” I said eagerly and strode toward the
living room. Curious, I could tell that Edward and the other
were behind me.
“Hello Rose!” I said cheerfully as I plopped down beside
her on the couch. “I have to ask you a question.”
“Pray tell, whatever could it be?” She smirked with fake
enthusiasm. I smiled and asked, “Why do blondes drive
BMW’s?”
Rosalie stared at me and shrugged. “Because they can spell
it!” I nearly yelled and ran for the kitchen.
When I turned around, I could see that Rosalie’s teeth were
clenched. “Is that the best you can do?”
I ignored her as I returned to Edward. “How was that?”
“Did you see how angry she was after that? All we have to
do is keep throwing blonde jokes at her until she cracks!”
Edward said delighted.
“That won’t be long then.” Jasper laughed as Alice pranced
toward Rosalie. “What do you call a blonde holding a
balloon?” I heard her ask.
Rosalie was determined to ignore her, so Alice squealed,
“Siamese twins!” She darted away, cackling and I could
swear I heard a growl come from the front room.
We waited a few minutes before Jasper went in and asked,
“What do you call a pimple on a blonde’s butt?”
Once again there was silence before Jasper answered his
own question. “A brain tumor!”
“Ugh!” Rosalie groaned. “Can I watch T.V. in peace?”
“If you can answer this question for me.” Edward said
brightly. “How do you measure a blonde’s IQ?”
“I don’t know.” Rosalie hissed. “With a tire gauge.”
Edward said and took off running.
By this point, Rosalie was clenching the remote so hard it
cracked in half, and Emmett let out a tiny groan. However,
it was his turn for the blonde joke.
He strode into the room, confident that he would piss off
Rosalie. “Why did the blonde have square breasts?” He
asked eagerly, his face close to Rosalie’s ear. “She forgot to
take the Kleenex out of the box.”
Rosalie’s eyes started twitching, so I knew she was close to
exploding. The Emmett leaned in really close to her ear and
yelled, “HAHAHA!”
She jumped off the couch and started chasing him around
the house, all while he was singing, “Rose, Rose, bee Bose,
Banana Fana Me Mose, Me Mi Mo Mose, ROSE!”
I turned to Edward. “Only Emmett could have pulled that
off.”
He smiled back at me. “So true.”