A Powerful Two-Step Process to Get Rid of Unwanted Anger

Whats the simplest way to short-circuit your anger?

Pu lished on August !"# $%!$ y &eon '( Selt)er# Ph(*( in +,olution of the Self

Whenwithout warningsomething provokes your anger, you may struggle not to succumb to it. Since what typically makes you mad is feeling powerless in the face of what seems unfair, your anger is mostly an attempt at a quick fix to right the balance. !t"s as though you"re raising a fist in protest, proclaiming that you"re not going to capitulate to such in#ustice. $here are, however, a multitude of problems related to this immediate, push%back reaction of anger. &nd probably the key one is that almost never does it resolve the issue that gave rise to it. Such reactive anger is probably best understood as self%defeating. &s 'avid (urns, the author of the seminal self%help book )eeling *ood, observes+ if, realistically, acting on your anger is to make any sense, it needs to meet two criteriawhich, in almost every case, is frankly impossible. $hat is, your anger must+ be directed toward a person who has intentionally ,and needlessly- behaved in a hurtful way toward you. and be beneficial or advantageous to you ,i.e., assist you in achieving a desired goal-.

! think you"ll agree that only rarely can you claim that your anger is both warranted and helpful, whether to yourself or the relationship.

So let me offer you a two%step alternative to abandoning your better #udgment and giving in to the temptation of angerone that should neutrali/e your anger in seconds. 0r, when you"re really angry, in minutes.

(ut keep in mind that you must really want to execute these steps, be sufficiently motivated to perform them. Which means overcoming more unconscious resistance than you might ever have imagined. (ecause there are many immediate advantages of anger that can interfere with your resolve, !"ll suggest a few of them that might interfere with your employing this powerful method to rid yourself of counter%productive anger. $hat is, in the short%term, anger+ can offer you the instant reward of feeling morally superior to whomever, or whatever, you"re angry atand this #ustified sense of righteousness ,or self% righteousness- can actually bolster a somewhat shaky self%image.

can help you defend against an underlying anxiety, or general sense of vulnerability for the adrenaline rush of anger ,however superficially- may help you feel empowered. can protect you from experiencing an underlying depression, or deep sense of loneliness or alienationfor, after all, your anger does enable you to stay engaged with the other person-. can restore in you some semblance of control when, in your momentary frustration, you may suddenly feel out of control. and can help you, through intimidating the other person,s-, get your way with them ,and here, ! won"t even begin to enumerate anger"s negative longer%term effects on relationships1-.

!f you struggle implementing the two%step process described below, these immediate advantages are probably what are getting in the way, and precisely what you may need to better reali/eand work through. So much for caveats. 2ere are the two stepscall them my double%3 technique for anger control + ,4- 356&7 !nasmuch as anger is the emotion that prepares your entire body for fight ,vs. fear%inspired flight-, you must find a way of discharging this non%productive fighting energy before you do anything else. 8ou need to know that, to do battle, experiencing significant anger automatically activates every muscle group and organ in your body. (roadly defined, all anger is a reaction to some perceived threat, so it naturally serves as the body"s evolutionary cue to ready itself for combat. $hus mobili/ed for immediateand impulsive action, any stalling reflectiveness would be a handicap. So anger affects your thinking quite as powerfully as it does your body. *iven the legal and ethical constraints of modern civili/ation, it"s extremely unlikely that when you get mad you"ll go in for the kill and physically assault your boss, wife, husband, etc. (ut since anger readies your mind ,not #ust your body- for battle, once the emotion overcomes you and you"ve lost the ability to ob#ectively assess the situation, it"s quite likely that you"ll verbally attack the other person. )or at this point, your thinking is no longer driven by your more evolved, rational neocortex ,or new brain -, but your much more primitive, survival%oriented, simple%minded midbrain ,as in, 9e right, you wrong1 or 9e good, you bad1 -. !n this childlike, regressed mental state, all you can think of is having been disregarded, falsely accused, disrespected, distrusted, devalued, cheated, discriminated against, violated, and so on. &ndself%righteouslyfeeling so wronged, what you crave is revenge. !nstant revenge. !t"s as though, moralistically speaking, only through attacking the other person can you bring them to #ustice.

(ecause your thinking is now exaggerated or distorted, if you"re to retrieve any emotional equilibrium:so you can re%evaluate the situation from a more reasonable, adult perspective you"ll need first to find some way of settling yourself down. $hat is, the initial step in this ;%step protocol is to calm your upset body. 0nly then can you focus on the second step of calming your upset mind. 2opefully, you"ve already discovered a way to relax yourselfwhether through deep, rhythmic, diaphragmatic breathing. some form of meditation. listening to tranquili/ing music. visuali/ation or guided imagery. self%hypnosis. acupressure. yoga. or any of the many other relaxation techniques available. (ut if you don" t have a ready way of calming yourself, it"s essential that you learn one. )or instance, you might look up breathing exercises on the Web, and teach yourself the one that feels most appropriate for you. $hen practice it diligently till you can use it to relax at will. 0r, if you"ve got a good visual imagination, picture yourself lying on the beach, walking in the forest, floating on a cloud, leaning against a tree next to a serene lakeor whatever scene you associate with relaxation. &nd take the time to experience your body reacting to the calming cues embodied in the scene you choose. )or example, on a private beach, you might fantasi/e seeing the panoramic beauty of your surroundings. smelling the fresh salt air. hearing the surf hit the shore, or the sea gulls squawking overhead. feeling ,tactilely- the warmth of the sun and the mild bree/e tickling your bare skin, and the grainy sand slipping through your fingers. etc. (e sure to bring as many of your senses into play as possible. )or your body really can"t tell the difference between what"s actual and what"s well%imagined. (ut keep in mind that any method you can successfully employ to cool yourself down and reduce your level of physiological arousaleven if it"s nothing more than taking a deep breath ,preferably, with eyes closed- and slowly, slowly letting it outwill do #ust fine. $he main thing is that rather than vehemently ventilating your frustrations, you buy yourself some time and engage in a form of self%soothing that, indirectly, will significantly reduce the intensity of your anger. &nd if, finally, you"re unable to relax yourself through any of the many body%quieting methods available, try vigorous exercise to ,non%violently- release the physical tension resulting from your charged%up, angry feelings. Such efforts should allow you to loosen up both in body and mindso that you"ll feel calmer and be able to think more clearly.

;. 35%&SS5SS (y which ! mean get yourself to look at the situation that provoked you from a different, more positive, perspective. ! can hardly overemphasi/e that your anger primarily derives from your negative appraisal of what happened. &lter that outlook and the emotion tied to it must change also. So ask yourself questions like+

'id he ,or she- really mean what ! think ! heard them say< &m ! assuming something that needs to be verified< !s this situation as terrible as it feels right now< &m ! possibly exaggerating its significance< taking it too seriously< !s my notion of this person"s being unfair to me more a reflection of my self% interested bias than the other person"s trying to take advantage of me< &re their interests or concerns maybe #ust as important, and legitimate, to them as mine are to me =i.e., do all you can to challenge your possible self%righteousness in the matter>< ?an ! re%focus my attention on what ! actually like about this personand stop focusing exclusively on this particular behavior, which clearly ! don"t like< What"s the concrete evidence that he ,or she- intentionally wanted to antagoni/e, hurt, or humiliate me< &m ! taking this more personally than warranted< ?an ! see this situation from the other person"s point of view ,i.e., try to understand their motives more empathically-< 9ight this person"s hard%to%take criticism have some rational basis to it< !s there something ! can learn from it that, ultimately, might help me< !s it possible ! was misunderstood< !s it maybe my fault that the person failed to get what ! was trying to communicate, and so reacted negatively to me< &nd if they"re #ust dense, do ! really want to blame them for this< &m ! maybe taking what this person said too literally< 9ight they simply be kidding aroundand it"s really my own insecurities or self%doubt that"s making me upset< !f this person really is being inconsiderate, mean, or nasty to me, have ! also seen them act this way toward others< ?an ! remind myself that basically this is their problem, not mineand that !"m much better off simply not taking what they say to heart<

! could probably list another @A ,or @AA1- questions to ask yourself when your vulnerability buttons are getting pushed. (ut hopefully, these self%talk examples will suffice. Since your anger didn"t stem from the situation itself, but the negative meaning, interpretation, or evaluation you ascribed to it, you need to consider alternate ways of perceiving whatever provoked you. !n almost every case ! think you"ll find that a more level%headed, measured assessment of what triggered your anger will help eliminate it. &nd with less anger in your life, you"re likely to feel far more relaxed, and happier too. Bust don"t ever forget that external events are #ust thatsomething external to youuntil, that is, you decide, internally, to react to them. ?onstantly remind yourself that no one other than yourself has the power to make you angry. )or, in the end, this warlike emotion is something that"s created in your own mind.