Weakly Te l e p a t h

ESSENTIALLY MENTAL
THE

THE WEAKLY TELEPATH

THE MAN ON THE HOW TO HAVE AN
TWENTY DOLLAR (ALMOST) FREE
BILL & THE MAN IN MOBILE PHONE
THE WHITE HOUSE How I Cut My Phone Bill
How US President Andrew From $130 to $25 per
Jackson Set the Stage for
Barack Obama’s Presidency
& POPU LIST PRESS Month (& So Can You!)

But First . . .
BY M AJOR O SMOSIS

U T
A Brief History of Telephony
BY T HOMAS HELLINGER
p o n f i r s t g l a n ce o n e c a n b e
forgiven for not perceiving the he amazing trick of transmitting
connection between the seventh a human voice over vast distances
president of the United States and became possible on a massive scale in
the forty-third. Other than the usual the 1870s with the invention of the
standards among presidents, such as carbon button microphone by
a charismatic personality and strong Thomas Edison, a technology which
work ethic, there are few parallels unlocked the full potential of the
between the two men. Nevertheless, worldwide telegraph network. Over
despite the many differences in their the next century telephone technolo-
personalities and values, Jackson's gy evolved very little, until 1979,
presidency was extraordinary impor- when Nippon Telegraph & Telephone
tant for the presidents that followed (NTT) cut the cord & built the world’s
in his wake, particularly one like first cellular network in Japan; &
Obama. While Obama may focus thus, the portable telephone was
more on the policies of Franklin born.
Delano Roosevelt, Obama - like FDR Over the last thirty years the
before him - would not be able to telephone has evolved even littler.
function the way he does had Literally. By 1989, what began as a
Jackson not first blazed the trail. bulky “car phone” became truly
In the midst of the recent his- “mobile” with the introduction of
toric presidential election there has Motorola’s pocket-sized MicroTAC.
been a vibrant new crop of biogra- Two years later digital networks
phies on presidents of the United replaced analog when Finland intro-
States. Several of which focused on duced GSM (Global System for
the seventh president, including Mobile), followed by the introduction...
Andrew Jackson: American Lion by
Jon Meacham. Mr. Meacham does an {CONTINUED ON PAGE 4}
admirable job of covering the life of...
{CONTINUED ON PAGE 5} A TA L E A B OUT A G IR L
THIS ZINE CONTAINS: NAMED ‘OTTER’ &
1: POTENTIAL energy A TROLL NAMED ‘TREE’
T
2: A letter to CHESTER COPPERPOT
3:
BY K RISTINA B OSWELL
6: Subliminal PROTOLINGUISTICS his is a tale about a girl named ‘Otter’
4: POMES & PROPAGANDA & a troll named ‘Tree’. Otter ran
from society, sick of being judged
Sunshine Superband’s SubCommandante on patrol. “crazy”. She packed a tent, lantern,
5: Scoffing, ridicule, & BRIC-A-BRAC
6:

D R O P S IT I NT O G E A R
& clothes & set off to make the
forest her home. She arrived on
8: Miss Fortune’s HORROSCOPES foot pushing a wheelbarrow of
supplies. The Troll materialized &
9: offered her a ride in his canoe. Up
10:

W I TH ‘ AUTH O R ’ I T Y ! !
the river to the Maggie Sue, he
11: sputtered, “It’s the perfect place
12: for you.”
13: Info on how to SUBMIT YOUR The forest is your home. . .
14. {CONTINUED ON PAGE 5}
 We t h i n k . . . so you d o n’t ha v e to!

CHECKYOURCALENDAR
From the Copy Room... Gregorian: Friday, 1 May 2009
Mayan: Long count = 12.19.16.5.10;
LAYMEN&GENTLELADIES, you currently hold in your tzolkin = 13 Oc; haab = 8 Uo
hands the DEBUT ISSUE of WEAKLY TELEPATH: French: 12 Floréal an 217 de la Révolution
THE POPULIST PRESS, Orlando’s up-&-coming Es- Islamic: 6 Jumada I 1430
sentially Mental™ newspaper. KUDOS TO JACK for offer- Hebrew: 7 Iyar 5769
ing up his firstborn commie lovechild for ENHANED Julian: 18 April 2009
SATIRICAL TECHNIQUES. Thanks also to BAMBI HELI- ISO: Day 5 of week 18 of 2009
COPTER for coining our nom de plume. And, lastly, Persian: 11 Ordibehest 1388
ECONOLOCKAHATCHEE-SIZED props to our dearly Ethiopic: 23 Miyazya 2001
departed P HILADELPHIA INDEPENDENT whose aes- Coptic: 23 Barmundah 1725
thetic we plundered like PREMODERN Chinese: Cycle 78, year 26 (Ji-Chou),
PAPER PIRATES. month 4 (Ji-Si), day 7 (Bing-Wu)
Were we MEEK FOLK - like those pro- Julian day: 2454953
phesized by MATTHEW - whom shall Discordian: Sweetmorn, Discord 48,
inherit (what’s left of) the EARTH after Year of Our Lady of Discord 3175
POWERMONGERS, OLIGARCHS,
& USURPERS, on some distant & Douglas Zongker’s Calendar
MIRACULOUS DAY share their disproportionate
SLICE OF THE PIE with those under them on the TOTEM POLE, then perhaps we wouldn’t take
FUNNY SHIT SO SERIOUSLY.
Alas, we are A MERICA’S I MMIGRANT D AUGHTERS & S ONS. We march to D RUMS OF L IBERTY.
When we are reminded of T HOMAS J EFFERSON’S words “The price of freedom is eternal vigilance...” it
makes our M ERCURY R ISE to oberve libertines S LOTHFULLY F RITTERING away their potential en-
ergy inside of ‘ C OMPLACENCY C OCOONS’. What H UBRIS D RIVES P EOPLE to blame the I LLS OF
S OCIETY on the involvement of “ T HE T HEM” rather than the non-involvement of “ T HE U S”?
WE THE PEOPLE gotta JUST DO IT ™
MY FELLOW ORLANDOANS, why twiddle your thumbs waiting for knuckle-dragging CITY PLANNERS to
conjure up a “CULTURAL CORRIDOR” out of the SUBURBAN ETHER? Let’s raise our “ C-T-B-U-T-FOOL ”
out of the G OO- G OO M UCK on our own! If you’re a JACK or JILL with ‘WEAKLY TELEPATHIC’ abilities,
fulfill your PATRIOT DUTY by spreading your PERSONAL PROPAGANDA across CENTRAL FLORIDA & the
WORLD WIDE WEB the day before tomorrow!
PLEASE FEED US WORDS & IMAGES VIA EMAIL: s u b m i s s i o n s @ w e ak -
YOU RETAIN ALL RIGHTS TO YOUR WORK.
& YOUR COMPENSATION WILL BE THE PERSONAL
SATISFACTION™ OF SEEING YOUR WORK IN PRINT
SO SMILE YOUR PRETTY
SMILE!!!

2
Vol. 1 Issue 1 2009!
Subtly controlling your mind since 2009!

Chester Copperpot
1027 S. Powderhorn Road
Silver City, NM 20500

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3
 Vol. 1 Issue 1 W e t h i n k . . . so you d o n’t ha v e to!
{(ALMOST) FREE PHONE CONTINUED} the way back to the International I recommend Nokias since they all in-
Telegraph Union of 1865, before the clude SIP – a universal internet pro-
of SMS text messaging two years invention of the telephone made the tocol that makes VoIP easy to use on a
after that. Several years later NTT smart phone - & also because Nokia
introduced Internet on mobile de- telegraph obsolete?
hasn’t succumbed to pressure from
vices by developing an advanced IF VoIP ISSOCOOL,WHYAREN’T the Sultans of Cellular to squash VoIP.
Third Generation (3G) cellular net- MORE PEOPLE USING IT? Finnish Nokia offers WiFi+SIP
work. Then, in 2005, mobile throughout much of their product
phones capable of accessing the In- • Most people haven’t had access to line, whereas the big American &
ternet via Wi-Fi (wireless Internet high-speed Internet until recently, & Japanese handset brands only offer
hubs) finally hit the market. Basi- some still don’t.
cally a handheld computer, a Wi-Fi WiFi+SIP in their expensive flagship
capable phone is the type you need • Wi-Fi capable “smart” phones didn’t models, which if you can afford, then
if you want to make (almost) free hit the market until 2005, & SIP (Ses- you probably aren’t in the market for
calls. sion Initiation Protocol) - a feature en- (almost) free phone service. As the
abling mobile phones to make Wi-Fi largest manufacturer of mobile de-
V oIP calls just as easily as cellular calls - did- vices on the planet, I tip my hat to
Nokia for making mobile VoIP afford-
Since cellular providers charge n’t become available on mobile phones able for all.
hefty fees for using the expensive until 2006.
proprietary networks that they ‘UNLOCKING’ YOUR PHONE
build, maintain, & operate, the • Cellular providers first lobbied
ability to make (almost) free mo- Congress to ban VoIP technology in Once you obtain a WiFi cellphone
bile phone calls probably sounds 1996. They have since pressured mo- (you may have one already & not even
“too good to be true”. But what if I bile phone manufacturers to “lock” know it) you’ll need to “unlock” it be-
told you that you don’t need cellu- their handsets to work only on cellular fore you can access the Internet to use
lar service, or even a landline, to networks & not the Internet. VoIP. Since cellular providers in the
place 100% free voice calls over the USA & Canada lock the WiFi func-
Internet instead? Because you can! • Skype (the first major corporation to tionality of the phones they sell so
As long as both parties are con- provide comprehensive VoIP service) that the Internet can only be accessed
nected to the Internet, you can call sided with cellular providers by refus- via cellular.
anybody you want in the world for ing to become SIP compliant, thereby
simply the cost of accessing the In- making Skype only available on com- Don’t get shammed by hucksters
ternet, just like when you use puters, not mobile phones. overcharging for the “luxury” of an
email & instant messaging! unlocked phone. Any phone can be
• Many people don’t realize VoIP exists. unlocked by entering the master reset
Known as VoIP (Voice over Inter-
net Protocol - pronounced voy’p), CHOOSING A WiFi CELL - code that can be found online by run-
ning a search using keywords such as
voice calls routed via the Internet PHONE “unlock”, “code”, & the model of your
are an economic alternative to cel- Wi-Fi capable phones are usually ad- phone.
lular service & landlines, & their vertised as “smart” phones &/or
sound quality is just as good. Of “dual-mode” phones because they Unlocking is permanent & does not
course, the US Sultans of Cellular risk damaging the phone. It simply
– AT&T, Verizon, Sprint, & T-Mo- work with both cellular & Wi-Fi net- resets the phone to the original fac-
bile (Alltell was recently bought by works. Since cellular providers will tory settings before it was specifically
Verizon) - are scared to death of only sell you a “rebated” or “free” locked for a carrier. Of course, you
this disruptive new technology & phone when you sign a new multi- should always back up phone num-
are waging a quiet battle to keep year contract, you’ll need to purchase bers, pictures, & other data before re-
mobile VoIP from saturating the a Wi-Fi cellphone from the manufac- setting a phone. Yes, your unlocked
marketplace. How ironic is it then turer’s website, or an alternative auc- phone will still operate normally on
that the organization that spear- tion/classifieds website. Popular your old cellular network as long as
headed the standardization of models include Apple’s iPhone, Black- your carrier’s SIM chip is in it (& it
VoIP (Swiss based International berry models 8120 & up, dozens of will also be compatible with any other
Communication Union which cur- Nokia phones (“E” & “N” series pri- GSM cellular network just be replac-
rently boasts a membership of 191 marily), & models by Samsung, Sony ing the SIM chip, which can usually be
nations) traces its roots all Ericsson, HTC, & LG. You should ex- found behind the battery).
{CONTINUED NEXT PAGE}
pect to pay approximately: $250 for a
new phone/$150 for a refur-
4
 Vol. 1 Issue 1 2009!
Subtly controlling your mind since 2009!
OK. . . BUT IS IT LEGAL? you to choose a phone number from al- TWEAKS 2 MAKE U SMILE
most any area code in the country (like • Change the settings on your phone to
The European Union has ruled Skype & Vonage). However, Gizmo5’s
against cellular providers locking makes VoIP calls by default & only dial
phones. This means that when you software lacks crucial features & cus- cellular when WiFi is unavailable.
purchase a cellular phone in Europe tomer service is non-existent. Despite
you can use it on any GSM cellular an email response claiming that my • It’s confusing enough to have two
network in the world, & access WiFi service would be turned-on within min- networks - with two different phone
hotpots for free, while making VoIP utes after I paid over the website, it numbers - operating on the same
calls at your leisure. took over a week for service to com- phone. Go online & change your
mence, & nobody ever bothered to re- VoIP settings to forward incoming
The US Congress has not been as pro- spond to my email inquiries regarding VoIP calls you don’t answer to your
tective of consumer rights, however the matter. cellular number. That way you only
the government isn’t going after the have to hand out one number - your
little guy over it either. The US Copy- • TRUPHONE: Truphone also features VoIP number - but calls will get
right Office, whose task it is to enforce great call quality, plus smart user- through to you no matter what.
the DMCA (Digital Millennium Copy- friendly software that assists nicely in
right Act), exempts individuals who making VoIP work seamlessly on a • Since calls you don’t answer will be
unlock their phones “for the sole pur- smart phone. I’ve been a satisfied Tru- forwarded to your cellular number,
pose of lawfully connecting to a wire- phone customer for over four months to you’ll be using cellular for voicemail.
less telephone communication date, & am likely to remain one until a True to form, the Sultans of Cellular
network” from prosecution. To date, competitor throws it’s hat in the ring charge you for calling your own num-
nobody has been prosecuted for un- with an enticing offer. (Or, just wait ber to check voicemail. Fortunately,
locking a phone, but I wouldn’t rec- until Google lays down the whammy & you have two free options: You can
ommend opening a store that sells backs the Sultans of Cellular against the wait to be in WiFi range to check your
unlocked phones. Then again, it’s cur- cellular voicemail using VoIP, or bet-
ropes by finally unleashing GTalk’s full ter yet, you can search online for your
rently a huge business on EBay! functionality on mobile devices that use cellular provider’s service code that
Google’s Android operating system - lets you call your voicemail for free
THE VoIP BATTLEGROUND possibly in collaboration with Apple & For example, on AT&T’s “Go Phone”
& HOW TO NAVIG AT E I T Nokia.) I spend an average of plan, all you have to do is enter 3 at
Currently there are hundreds of VoIP $12/month with Truphone’s the end of your phone number, like
service providers to choose from. To $4.00/month + $0.02/min plan. Two this: 1-407-XXX-XXXX-3. (I don’t
date, only a couple of providers in the more plans are available: a flat know why this works, but it does.)
emerging VoIP industry - Skype & Von- $0.05/min plan, & the whole shebang: Reprogram your phone’s voicemail
age - have managed to become house- unlimited minutes for $17.00. hotkey to include the service code so
hold names. Unfortunately, because of you can check your voicemail any-
to the politics of modern telephony, HOW TO SETUP VOIP + where, anytime, for free.
Skype & Vonage are not available for CELLULAR ON ONE PHONE
use on mobile phones, except for rare • If you text message a lot (or even if
exception such as the iPhone & Nokia Of course, you’re still going to need cel- you don’t) you should consider pur-
N95, but even then the Skype software lular service to fill in the gaps in cover- chasing a monthly SMS package with
routes the calls via cellular. age between WiFi hotspots, & in case of your cellular plan. (AT&T Go Phone
emergencies, since 911 cannot be called charges $10/month for 1000 mes-
VoIP providers offering SIP compati- using VoIP. However, a service contract sages). That way you can still commu-
bility include: with the Sultans of Cellular defeats the nicate for (almost) free via cellular
• FRING & NIMBUZZ!: I don’t recom- purpose of an (almost) free phone. when not in WiFi range. Caller ID will
mend Fring & Nimbuzz! despite their Therefore you’re going to need a “pay-as- let you know who is calling & you can
ability to route Skype calls onto your you-go” plan, which is overpriced at message them to determine the ur-
phone via their own servers. The $0.10 - $0.25 per minute, to entice you gency of returning their call.
sound quality sucks too bad to hold a into signing a service contract, of course.
conversation, & their bloated software But if you can be disciplined & try to DON’T FORGET:
drains your battery life in record time. make most of your calls using VoIP you’ll The more people you encourage to
save plenty of money. use VoIP, the more people you can
• TIVI PHONE: TiVi Phone is the only call 100% for free, kids!
VoIP provider that provide encryption Of the Sultans of Cellular, I recommend
so that nobody can hack your call to AT&T & T-Mobile over Sprint & Verizon < Contact the author with questions,
snoop. But they’re based in Russia. Try or help setting-up your phone:
at your own risk.. because their networks are GSM & your majorosmosis@gmail.com
phone will work almost anywhere in the
• GIZMO5: Gizmo5 features great call world if you purchase a local SIM chip. Visit his sporadically updated blog at:
quality, is a US-based company, & allows http://www.majorosmosis.com >
5
Vol. 1 Issue 1
{FROM JACKSON & OBAMA PAGE 1}
President Jackson focusing primarily
on his two terms as president of the
United States from 1829 to 1837. It
becomes quickly evident that presi-
dent Jackson was a man who elicited
strong feelings from his fellow Amer-
icans.
Born in the Carolinas, Andrew
Jackson grew up in fronter state of
Tennessee. In American Lion Mr.
Meacham outlines Jackson's difficult
childhood, and often relates how his
experience shaped his attitudes to-
ward those close to him. Growing up
in the shadow of the American revo-
lution, Jackson gained an enormous
degree of national admiration by
leading the United States to victory
over British forces in the Battle of
New Orleans, the only significant
American victory of the War of 1812.
His role in this victory, combined
with his populist rhetoric, gave him a
base of goodwill among common
Americans which would last for his
entire political career. With an ex-
pansion of the popular vote in the
election of US presidents, Jackson
was able to use his popularity to de-
feat his opponent and previous pres-
ident John Quincy Adams.
Unlike the previous seven
presidents, Jackson did not see his
role as restricted to enforcement of
legislative will. In breaking with his
predecessors Jackson injected a
high degree of politics into the office
of the presidency, transforming the
more or less judicial nature of the
post into that of a more active and
partisan one. In doing so he created
a rift between the executive branch
and the legislative branch, particu-
larly the Senate who saw the trans-
formation as a corruption of the
founders' intent.
Mr. Meacham's biography of
Jackson also highlights his belief
that the office of presidency was the
most in-touch with the will of the
people, a belief that Jackson felt jus-
tified an expansion of presidential
power. Although this is a relatively
unremarkable correlation in modern
American politics, in the early nine-
teenth century this was a particu-
larly bold assertion. This further
disassociated Jackson from the es-
tablished political order of the sen-
ate and previous US presidents.
W e t h i n k . . . so you d o n’t ha v e to!
His expansion of power was tena-
ciously resisted by his already bitter
political rivals, who labeled Jackson a
tyrant who was seeking to undo the
revolution. Jackson's popularity
would shield him from most of his
opponents' rhetoric, and would lend
legitimacy to the idea of an ex-
panded presidency. This is where
Jackson's presidency is most relevant
to the forty-third president. Without
Jackson, and the presidents like
Franklin Roosevelt and George W.
Bush who would use their political
capital to expand the powers of the
executive office, the Obama adminis-
tration would have certainly taken a
far less dramatic form.
The nature of his presidency
was also particularly groundbreaking
in terms of how he obtained the of-
fice. His campaign was greatly helped
by an expansion of the popular vote
into the realm of presidential elec-
tions in several states where otherwise
the more establishment oriented
legislature would have held a con-
trolling interest in the election of
the president. Jackson used his
popularity combined with a strong,
genuine populist sentiment which
resonated with the newly expanded
electorate.
Jackson’s presidency was
a model for the modern,
powerful, version of
the executive office.
This injection of populism also
marked the beginning of the modern
US presidential campaign. No longer
a polite sparing match between com-
peting political elites, the Jacksonian
campaign introduced new campaign
tactics which changed the nature of
how a politician became elected. The
campaign for president now more
closely resembled that of a congres-
sional race. Campaigns for congres-
sional positions (the lower house of
the legislature) by the nature of their
popular elections and short two year
terms, where already typified by pop-
ulist rhetoric by candidates. In addi-
tion, Jackson's election was also the
made the most contentious yet by
the first instance of personal gossip
being interwoven into the campaign.
Although Jacksons presidency
was a model for the modern, powerful,
6
version of the executive office, his po-
sitions were naturally quite different.
Much of this has simply to do with
over a century of volatile social
change brought on by the radical ref-
ormation of society from the indus-
trial revolution and the attendant
social revolutions. The obvious dif-
ferences would lie in the issue of race,
with Jackson being an unforgiving
advocate for slavery and renowned
for his cruelty in killing off the Na-
tive Americans.
The personalties of the two
leaders are also rather different.
Obama's latest book, The Audacity of
Hope, although not a traditional au-
tobiography provides a great deal of
insight not only into his policies, but
also into his background, values, and
especially his thoughts on gover-
nance. In his short political career,
Obama has earned a reputation for es-
pecially calm and rational leadership.
Andrew Jackson was often derided
(although often too harshly, as Mr.
Meacham's biography well argues) for
his inability to restrain his temper,
particularly in his personal life.
Yet, while they're personalties and
policies were often rather different,
they do share many traditional Amer-
ican outlooks on governance and
basic values.
The Audacity of Hope mostly
consists of Obama's personal views
concerning modern American pol-
itics and a prescriptions for curing ills
created by poor governance. As such,
it is not an autobiography in the
strictest sense, but is typical of books
written by modern American politi-
cians (not too imply that this is a new
trend however, of that I cannot com-
ment). Where the politician provides
a type of argument sorely lacking in
the modern cable news monstrous
mash of sound bytes and innuendo.
In which the subject lays out their
world view, biographical revelations
and their relation to policy that they
are advocating.
In addition to providing
valuable insight into Obama's potential
policy decisions, it allows the reader to
really relate to Obama as a person.
This is not so much an innate
characteristic as other politicians
and political figures have often been
unable to accomplish despite using
the same format (A Country That. . .
{CONTINUED NEXT PAGE}
 Vol. 1 Issue 1
{CONTINUED FROM PREVIOUS PAGE}
Works by Andy Stern comes to mind).
It becomes quickly apparent that his
writing is every bit the equal of his
famed speaking ability. His biogra-
phical revelations are expertly inter-
woven with their attendant policy
arguments, in a manner that only
rarely comes off as stilted.
Obama's critique of American
politics is one that has been gaining
ground in American intellectual cir-
cles recently. He is particularly wor-
ried by denigration of the famed
“bipartisan consensus”, and while he
points out that politics has always
been contentious he notes the very
noticeable rise in partisan squabbling
in the past thirty years. On a similar
note, while left of center he places
himself as the very embodiment of
the growing mistrust in ideological
imperatives which ironically enough
has started to become an imperative
in itself.
There is also familiar indict-
ments of the role of money in politics,
the reducing of political speech to
sound bytes, and other factors con-
tributing to the decay of American pol-
itics. He does not hide the fact that he
is complicit in these trends and in
doing so outlines the struggle that
even morally good politicians must
face. It is difficult as a reader to fault
him for this as he is able to show how
integral to the process things like
money and sound bites have become.
As someone of, what is considered in
America at least, radical political pre-
cepts, it is an enlightening read. I per-
sonally cannot fathom whether or not
I would be capable of doing as well as
he has, but I fear that I could not do
considerably better, if at all.
Between them, the two biog-
raphies do an excellent job of providing
a biography not only of the subjects,
but to the political nature of the US
presidency. Jackson is undeniably one
of the most influential American pres-
idents, and without his expansion of
presidential power much of what the
Obama administration already has
done would have been impossible. The
idea of the presidency providing the
political means to bailout massive fi-
nancial industries would not have been
thinkable without the dramatic change
in American governance undertook by
Jackson. Obama's biography is with-
out a doubt a must read for anyone
who wants to know how his adminis-
tration will unfold, and Meacham's is
crucial for anyone who wants a
deeper understanding of the
US presidency and the early
years of t h e A m e r i c a n r e -
public.
Subtly controlling your mind since 2009!
FLORIDA HOUSE REPUBLICAN
LEADER HOSTS ANTI-ISLAMIC EVENT
O
BY C OMRADE JACK
n Monday April 27th, the Florida
Security Council and the Interna-
tional Free Press Society hosted a
“Free Speech Summit” in a Delray
Beach synagogue. The event was as-
sembled to highlight the anti-Is-
lamic views of Dutch politician
Geert Wilders, who was the featured
speaker at the summit. Wilders
is the subject of criminal prosecu-
tion by the Dutch government for
his controversial statements about
Islam, such as equating the Koran to
Adolf Hitler’s Mein Kampf. The
court of appeals in Amsterdam has
judged that some of these state-
ments may amount to inciting ha-
tred towards Muslims; the act of
inciting hatred is illegal under Dutch
law. Furthermore, Wilders was
barred from entering Great Britain,
as a spokesman from the Home Of-
fice made clear, "The Government op-
poses extremism in all forms. It will
stop those who want to spread extrem-
ism, hatred and violent messages in
our communities from coming to our coun-
try.”
In his introduction to the
Free Speech Summit Wilders refers
to Islam as a threat to Europe stat-
ing that Islam is , “...endangering our
history, our freedom, our prosperity
and our culture”. He goes on to state
that “Islam is not a religion. Islam is a
totalitarian political ideologue. Islam
[sic] heart lies at the Quran, and the
Quran is a book that calls for hatred,
that calls for violence, for murder,
7
2009!
for terrorism, for war, and submission
… We should also stop pretending that
Islam is a religion .. .the right to religious
freedom should not apply to Islam ”.
Also present was the state
representative of district 87 and leader
of the Republican party in the Florida
house, Adam Hasner. Hasner is also
listed as a sponsor of the summit.
From all observation this is not Has-
ner's first sign of involvement with bla-
tantly anti-Islamic elements. In 2007,
he hosted a showing of "Obsession:
Radical Islam's War Against the West",
for state legislators.
He has also attempted to block
Florida Muslim Capital Day, sponsored
by Council on American-Islamic Rela-
tions. In an e-mail he sent to several
Jewish lobbyists he attempted to or-
ganize opposition to the event saying,
“By now, I can't imagine you haven't
heard about this upcoming lobbying day
for Muslims in Tallahassee ... Do you all
intend to be part of an information cam-
paign in opposition to it?”
He has since claimed that this
attempt to block the assembly was not
part of an action against Muslims, but
rather against the organizing group's
leader stating that the, “well-docu-
mented ties that this group’s leader has
to organizations that are affiliated with
terrorist groups such as Hamas”.
Hasner has also gone as far as to leave
the floor of the legislature during the
first prayer given by an
Imam, only to return as soon
as the prayer ended.
 W O R L D I S
R P O
E

SS
TH

I BL
ANO

E
THE POPULIST PRESS *Fill me full of your rainbow juices!
 Vol. 1 Issue 1 W e t h i n k . . . so you d o n’t ha v e to!
‘M OON’RAPES HIS S I STER‘SUN’
: an Inuit myth
In the old days, when everything began, a brother lived with his sister in a large village which had a
dance house. At night it was lit with stone lamps burning seal oil, and once the sister was dancing and
singing there, when a big wind blew all the lamps out. While everything was a black, a man copulated
with her. She struggled against him, but he was too strong, and it was too dark to see who it was.
Thinking he might come again, before she went back there next she blackened the palms of her hands
with soot. Again a great gust of wind blew out all the lamps. Again that man threw her upon her back,
got on top of her, and entered her. But this time she smeared his back with soot. When the lamps were
rekindled, she looked for the one with a sooty back and was enraged to see it was her brother.
She cried, “Such things are not done! Such things are unheard of!”
She was so angry that she took her sharp knife and cut off both her breasts. Flinging them at her
brother she cried, “As you seem to enjoy me, as you seem to have a taste for my body, eat these!”
She grabbed a brightly burning torch and, maddened and wild-eyed, ran out of the dance house and into
the dark night. Her brother snatched up another torch and ran after her, but stumbled and fell down
in the snow. The snow put out the flames of his torch so that only it’s embers flickered feebly.
Then a big windstorm lifted both the sister and her brother high up into the sky. The girl was turned
into the sun, and her brother into the moon. She stays as far from him as she can as long as the moon
shines, she hides herself, coming out only after he is gone. If the brother had not let his torch fall into
the snow, the moon would be as bright as the sun.

M A JO R O S M O S I S

You will grow and think

THE N IHILIST’
S S ERMON
Welcome to the world
Little boy, little girl
Here is where you will live
And here is where you will die
All that has been given to you
Has been given to be taken back
You are f luke
An accident at best
No more or less deser ving of life
Of love, of opportunity, of joy and sorrow
Of all that you could possibly hold dear
Than a lowly worm
But here is where the joke gets good
A great, mighty spasm of a great, indifferent god
That worm will never know what it means to live
It will wander till the end of its days
Stupid, indifferent, and content
And think, and think, and think
And what will you gain
What does all that thinking give you
That makes you any better than that mindless worm?
Can you guess?
(I can tell you have guessed wrong)
Let me tell you
Every waking thought is simply something
To regret on your deathbed
Another precious gem you try to hold close to your breast
When death turns your mind to mush
And your body to dust
You can hope for an immortal soul
A body of work to survive your death
A tomb which will inspire the living
To give you life beyond what death decided to rend
But you know deep in that 'soul' you pray you have
That when your body is dead,
That's the end

10
As it squirms through dirt and stone
BY C OMRADE J ACK
Vol. 1 Issue 1 2009!
Subtly controlling your mind since 2009!

Ob se r v e r Yor t' s E nc y c l o p e d i a o f the H um a n Ra c e , -1st & F i na l E d i ti o n

(Pre-Departure Recording)
R ule #21 o f the 42 P r inc iple s o f Pla n e ta r y In f ilt ra t ion:
“B e a med ium s i z ed f i sh in a med ium s i z ed p ond.”
< T h e follo w ing transmission is to b e distr ib ute d to ob ser ver Y-45 1 4 .
I f yo u a re not Y-4514 , yo u are re queste d to ter min ate yo ursel f p o s t-h a s te ! >
Congratulations earned, constructed sen- of multiple [homo-sapien]s is acceptable to create your avatar. It should, and has,
tient Y-4514, for the status of your stud- if enough [homo-sapien]s not being ter- been noted that your body is not 100%
ies (i.e. Completed). Your final class minated agree in addition to the major accurate, as such all medical facilities
standing of 21 out of 42 has demon- authority figure of the group of [homo- should be avoided. Furthermore, you will
strated your excellence for modesty. As a sapien]s seeking termination, and state be subject to 98.4% of all possible forms
result you have been assigned the most their intentions before attempting to ter- of death that happen to afflict the species
important assignment among your kind, minate aforementioned [homo-sapien]s. of the target sentient.
within the specification of your class.
(3) Sexual organs are to be concealed in In the advent of a situation that is 85.6%
Y-4514, you have been dispatched to the public. Greetings do not involve sexual likely to result in termination of yourself,
3rd planet of the [Milky Way galaxy] to organs, and is considered to be crimi- you are to efficiently aid in its process.
observe all sentients pending the Deci- nally weird. Failure to do so will result in a series of
sion. What follows is the preliminary fines in the afterlife. In the event that
notes of the planet. Notes are to be un- (4) Certain other species may be eaten for there is no afterlife, you will be punished
derstood as incomplete; otherwise your nutrition or pleasure. The other species by not being able to participate in any of
mission would be officially over. Since are considered unacceptable to eat be- the afterlife activities that we have
you have not begun your mission, it can- cause of one or more of the following: planned. In the event that the situation
not be defined as over, unless, and this is they are currently being made extinct, are that is 85.6% likely to result in termina-
not the case in this particular instance, defined as “icky”, are being oppressed by tion does not result in termination, you
the beginning was the end. Therefore, a [homo-sapien] overlord, or are too cute will be recalled to a new assignment to ex-
because of this not being either the end to eat. plore what happens post-termination. It
or beginning/end of your mission, you are should also be noted, and is being noted,
advised to pay attention. (5) [Homo-sapien]s have a concept of that the teams on current assignment to
“private ownership”. Under this system explore post-termination events have
The planet is spherical, and all available only one human being must have primary currently not returned and are believed
evidence indicates that the planet was not ownership over an item. The primary to be terminated.
terraformed. The atmosphere is a pleas- owner may allow access to this item to
ant nitrogen/oxygen mixture, and other [homo-sapien]s if it so wishes. At- Communications are to be delivered on
roughly 71% of the planet's surface is tempting to gain access to an item with- the 9th [calendar unit] of the [larger cal-
composed of water. Initial testing has out the primary owner's consent is endar unit], and are to be sent in en-
shown that the water tastes like crap. generally considered to be a “very bad crypted, burst transmission. You are to
The gravity is a stable and uninteresting, thing”. invent at least two acronyms per commu-
7.3 pffft units. nication, and the transmission must be at
(6) Seriously, do NOT eat their young.
least 25 [non-translatable unit of meas-
Of the 86.3 million species on the planet (7) Worth of a [homo-sapien] is deter- urement] in [non-translatable sensory
earth, plus [the platypus], the only mined by the amount of stuff possessed, input]. Intercepted transmissions are to
species capable of developing toasters is minus fecal matter. be considered problematic and all efforts
the species [homo-sapien]. Initial reports must be made to destroy any compro-
show that the [homo-sapien] is incredibly The appropriate self visual and tactile mised transmissions, or to tarnish the
territorial and capable of creative acts of
programs for your avatar have been credibility of any source attempting to
mass violence. They have a diverse set of downloaded into your internal storage distribute said compromised transmis-
cultures and religious beliefs, far beyonddevice. Upon deployment you will ac- sion. Allied tabloid reporters have been
the norm of the civilized races of the cos-
quire an identity from a local sentient, deployed to your assigned planet and
mos. In the latter many attribute a and assume its position in the alien soci- have successfully deflected attention
unique trait in ascribing ethical modi- ety. The sentient is to be cryogenically from the Yeti, Elvis, Super Hitler, and
fiers, usually positive, to the Great and frozen and will be implanted with false Jesus.
Indifferent Creator. memories as is in adherence to protocol
Initial survey teams have constructed the 3-A2, subsection b1, of the 42nd and final You are to prepare for dismissal at
following guide to the basic etiquette of edition of the Planetary Guide for Infil- promptly 4.2134 planetary cycles from
the majority of [homo-sapien]s. tration. the completion of -1st edition of the
Planetary Guide for Infiltration and the -
(1) Avoid eating their young. We must put forward a cautionary series 1st edition of the Omni-pedia of Sentient
of words for the usage of your avatar sys- Species. As is custom, you are to collect
(2) Termination of an individual [homo- tem. It will replicate a target sentient to no more or less than 42 objects, display-
sapien] is discouraged and not allowed 98.4% accuracy. During which, as de- ing exactly 1,764 qualities. Do not forget
unless enough additional [homo-sapien]s signed, your body will disperse its mass to bring a towel.

11
say they don't mind. Termination and collect any necessary materials
BY T HOMAS A DRIAAN H ELLINGER
 Vol. 1 Issue 1
{‘OTTER & TREE CONTINUED}
Tree, the troll, had been
living in the forest for ten
years with a chainsaw &
& fresh catfish for Otter. peek-a-boo!
beer. He cooked potatoes
you hiding behind yourself
The food & the boat were & me behind me
worth the risk of keeping
the troll’s company.
The forest is a good home. . .
In a piss drunk growl he
tells all the campers that
he works for the ranger.
They encourage his make-
believe. He chops fire-
wood for them & gives
ferryboat rides. Otter be-
comes the sidekick to his
play. They stage shows to-
gether; demanding to see
campers’ permits, &, en-
force that they keep the
forest clean. It ’s a jolly
r iot . T hey make a d as -
tardly team.
The forest was their home. . .
Ahh… but there was one
thing that drove a wedge
between the duo. The troll
had a foot fetish. His mind
was occupied with feet. He
loved Otter’s feet. He
wanted her feet. One day
she threw sand in his
mouth when he tried to
touch them. She reacted
with pure grit; crawling
fast - UPHAND - BLAM -
BRAWL!!! Tree rolled
onto his back in defeat.
Sighing in absurdity, Otter
returned to the city.
The forest is Tree’s home. . .
W e t h i n k . . . so you d o n’t ha v e to!
old men? they wear hats. . .
old women? they all have cats. . .
kids nowadays suck!
unorthodox
i see by Major Osmosis
< >
insert your poem title on the line
* write your own poem & publish it instantaneously
12
a maid is handy
everyone needs a maid
including the maid
hiakus
the liquor of words
is poetry, it is best
sipped slowly & quick
I. the hot springs
always i can feel
steam swelling my pores
minnows nibbling my sores
even in february
when frosted weevils
& brittle bells hang
in haphazard isolation
amongst frozen stones
that vibrate regardless
of the milk of the moon
or the slice of the sun
freefalling down
to a secret lagoon
with grassy shoulders
& a floating fire
that we rediscovered
while climbing
hand over hand
under the jagged silence
of magnetic guardians
II. ghost trance
initiation begins in a ring
around geronimo’s log
& the (is that writing?
on the) canyon wall
when what you sought to find
suddenly slips asunder
& the sky is transformed
with an infinite way
of falling
all around you
BY M AJOR O SMOSIS
SUBMIT YOUR WORK
VIA EMAIL:
SUBMISSIONS@
WEAKLY
TELEPATH.COM
Vol. 1 Issue 1
DUSTY ROSE
pixie dust
when an old redwood dies
the seeds that have fallen from its
farthest branches
finally meet the sun
they rise into a ring of redwoods
carter says there are fairies
in the tree rings
wishes under sand dollars
my dad
could squeeze the space
between what and what if
flat like the frizbee
we tossed in a hotel lobby
go long!
arms outstretched
like when we'd dance
at the redwood mountain fair
don't let go!
like the time he carried me into the like a blueprint in the sun
ocean
don't let go
i worried we'd lose the shore
sink forever
i worried
more than he ever did
dad?
can we afford for me to have a
candy bar?
klepto fairies guzzle gatorate in
aisle seven
but dad!
won't they get mad if we put their
washcloths
in our suitcases?
nympho nymphs pass out
on hand towels
dad!
do we have directions
DAD!
did you remember snowchains
dad!
will you really be there at noon?
he never was
the same reckless joy
that let him crack open his days
with cocaine
held my childhood
inside a storm of possibility
so the porch light on a dark night
became a lightening storm
piles of quarry rock rugged
2009!
Subtly controlling your mind since 2009!
mountain sides
i'd scale on all fours
twistin the puffballs on my bobby
socks
like cotton gearshifts shoutin’
four wheel drive!
chirstmas tree meatball hunting
fishing for dinner
plucking lost fairie wings from
fern beds
we never wanted to be real
we were marionettes
no strings
till my father
tied down in court
stripped of his stealtoes and jeans
from blue collar
to orange jumpsuit
construction worker skin fading
he told me once
eating was hard
showed me how he wanted to
crouch like an animal
over his food shove his mouth full
so none could be taken away
i never tried to imagine
the tight hot terror of empty cages
i only envisioned iron bars
that dreamt of becoming red-
woods
the tiny window wishing it could
capture the sunset
in the canyon fairies cut lines of
pixie dust
i never visited
my father in prison
that's why i didn't recognize him
at my high school graduation
haircut like a suburban lawn
that careful man
was not my father
the treetop fairy orgies had been
siphoned from his blood
and anything we could imagine
was never really possible
but at the top of westhill drive
there's still a redwood
needle haired fairies in its veins
and the ocean
is still impossibly huge
and deep
BY J ARED R ICE

“Don’t adopt an attitude, create one.”

13
- Beach Club bathroom graffiti circa 1984
(formerly Barbarella’s - now Independent Bar)
 W e t h i n k . . . so you d o n’t ha v e to!

F R O M J O S E P H I N E B A K E R T O C I A R A H A R R I S ...
hen I see you in your videos,
bare midriff like a welcome
mat, I swear I hear gunfire in the
Congo; The songs of a thousand
diamond mines ground to dust; A
generation of footsteps once
marching forever silenced.
When I made the rhythm my lover,
they called it ‘Le Danse Sauvage’:
The Dance of The Savage.
You may have traded the tom-toms
for 808s, replaced your voice with
Auto-tune, but they still see you as
animal. The word mulatto comes
from mule. Brown-skinned canary,
where is your real voice? Don’t you
know you were once livestock?
When are you going to speak up?
BY C URTIS M EYER their songs played in clubs their
ancestors weren’t allowed to
• It’s ever y Carman Miranda / enter. I left the Stork Club with
geisha girl / concubine / Venus Grace Kelly because I was denied
Hottentot / witchdoctor with a service. You associate with those
bone through his nose / cannibal who crown themselves nappy boys
with an explorer spinning above and wear Africa as a status sym-
the boiling pot. bol. Kids who wouldn’t know
racism if it was tied around their
necks. Child, I’ve seen orchards.
Do you think a vote for Obama
will destroy prejudice? Will L a
B aker ’s ghost saunter out of
black-&-white photographs into a
Technicolor promised land? Sorry
Dorothy, the world is still gray
outs. The wizard is just an- other
alpha male behind a curtain.

My hands are not clean; these I rose from the streets of St. Louis
pearl necklaces weigh heavy like to perform in Paris and Carnegie.
rattling chains. I knew the joy of a Hemingway, Picasso, Christian
carefree fuck, relished by the em- Dior, F. Scott Fitzgerald; all
brace of Egyptian cotton. I know championed me as their muse.
one day you are an independent
woman and the next you are The greatest trick the Devil ever
telling them I’ll Cater 2 U . pulled was convincing us he doesn’t
Therevolution will not be fetishized, Ciara! exist.
First, the goodies stay in the jar. I was the only woman to speak at
Then you blossom into a Go Girl. the March on Washington. When The second was making us forget
Still, every time you Drop It Like Martin died, his wife Coretta that ghetto is short for GET OUT.
It’s Hot . asked me to carry his flame. I re- When will you remind them?
fused because I didn’t want to or-
It’s another shot of me in my ba- phan my children again.
nana skirt. Nightingale, when are you going
to sing the songs you were meant
Of what are you the ambassador? to sing?
Every time you get crunk on 106 &
Park , it’s another shot of me in my I can see it in your eyes … by the You:
banana skirt. way that you was watchin' me.
Just keep dancing. . .
• It’s another 12-year-old suck Does proper grammar poison Just keep moving. . .
ing dick in some back alley. your tongue? Literacy is a privi-
lege. That’s why slaves were kept But what are you going to do when
• It’s another pre-teen convincing away from books. the spotlight goes out, darling?
herself this – THIS – is love
Your peers worr y about getting
14
Vol. 1 Issue 1 May 2009
You are likely to suffer the misfortune of snagging a new romantic partner this month, or if you al-
ready have a “significant bother”, the intensity of your relationship is bound to make Ike & Tina (or
Lindsey & Samantha if you prefer a modern analogy) resemble mature, mutually respectful, partners
in love serenely lazing away their days playing shuffleboard & sipping vanilla milkshakes. Take your
cue from this DEVO lyric: I don’t care if you feel small. . . love without anger isn’t love at all!
Consider yourself lucky that your love life is doomed to dry up like Death Valley’s Lake Badwater this month. Despite
being a spring-fed oasis offering a glimmer of hope to passersby traversing one of most inhospitable places on Earth,
Lake Badwater is too salty to drink, & therefore, serves as an apt metaphor for your stiflingly over-possessive love. Rather
than waffle about in a codependent stupor, focus your raging libido to get your financial house in order. That way when
(not if) you suck your lover’s essence dry - like a parasite - you’ll stand a chance of survival on your own.
Geminis often choose sex over love, or rather, they expect sex with a stranger to blossom into a sexual friendship.
Conventional wisdom dictates that Gemini can evolve romantically by flipping the script. However, such adapta-
tion is likely to lead to a successful long-term relationship; which, in turn, greatly increases the chances of fulfill-
ing the God-fearing/Darwinian ideal of creating offspring. You are heretofor,e advised against having sex with
anybody you meet before the beginning of the month, or better yet, anybody whose name you already know!
Sex-obsessed Venus & war-mongering Mars are in the house of Aries this month, which is the
first sign of the Zodiac, thus signifying new beginnings. Why, then, if you haven’t finished yet
dealing with yesterday’s problems, are the stars & planets conspiring to whammy you all over
again with a brand spank in’ new slew of problems? The easy answer is: It ’s the economy,
stupid! Alas, the hard knock truth is that nobody gets a 100% fresh start, not even a newborn.
Everybody knows Leos think so highly of themselves that unless they get treated like the center of the
Universe they become suicidal (which is of course itself a ploy to be treated like the center of the Uni-
verse.) Either use your charisma to help folks in greater need than you, or else, don’t you dare come
crawling back to me when your new beau dumps you after wearying of treading on eggshells 24/7! If
you do I’ll cutout your sexy-smart tongue so quick it’ll still be swearin’ like a coked-up sailor when it ar-
rives on the doorstep of my favorite Leo - Leonardo DiCaprio - who is a Scorpio! There, I said it.
Unlike most everybody else on the planet, you are destined to do very well financially this coming month. To
avert this catastrophe, I suggest publicly donating your surplus booty to charity; otherwise, you are bound to
find yourself without family or friends since you’ll have no choice but to blow their heads off to protect your
stash from the zombie hoard! On the sunny side, such an outcome promises to inject some much needed piz-
zazz into your nearly catatonic love life. Go get ‘em you emotionally challenged necrophiliac!
Did you know the stars & planets are aligned to make this the perfect time of year for you to go on vacation?
However, before you attempt to save your sanity by flying the coop, bear in mind that, according to the WTO,
the average American spends 13 days per year vacationing. Meanwhile, our economic competitors the Japan-
ese average 25 days, Canadians 26 days , & Germans 35. Why risk becoming a fat, lazy, producer of inferior
products - like workers in the aforementioned countries - merely to “live a little” before you die? Instead, follow
the example of industrious Mexico - where the average annual vacation is 6 days - & get back to work!
Scorpio, oh Scorpio. Wtf is wrong with you Scorpio? Don’t deny thy blabbering, don’t refuse thy
blame, & if ye do that, be but scorned like OJ’s glove so I may continue to poke fun at you. Thou
are thyself & not to blame, says who? Why not blame you? Because my heart, & mind, & experi-
ence, & place. . . & every other part, belong to you! Oh be some other blame. What’s in a blame?
That which we call Scorpio, by any other blame is Libra; or Sagittarius; or Aries. . .
Success may as well be a four letter word for many of the prodigiously talented souls born under the Sagittarius
sun sign. Do the names Francisco Franco, G. Gordon Liddy, & Anna Nicole Smith ring a bell? You’ve had to learn to
be a tough cookie, Sagittarius, because inevitably cookies crumble! Nevertheless, can you imagine getting in the
May Day spirit by organizing your clan to take action &, in unison, break yourselves once-&-for-all of the hilarious
habit of doing the opposite of whatever people think is best for you? Neither can I! Your independent streak is your
greatest strength, & weakness. To all the naysayers I say: Burn the cookie factory to the ground Sagittarius!

Capricorn, things suck for you this month - or maybe they don’t - I’m not sure & neither are you.

Sometimes something can be so good it’s bad. Like, for example, when you take a drug for fun until you
get addicted & it doesn’t get you high anymore. This month, Mercury - the Messenger - is in retrograde,
which means that communication will become more difficult. Unless, of course, you are an Aquarius!
While others babble on incoherently like Bonobos in heat, you are able to express your idealistic, New
Agey, mumbo-jumbo so eloquently, that, unless you already live in self-imposed exile with a cult of moon
worshippers on an organic pomegranate commune. . . you will soon. . . just not by choice!
Economics is much simpler than financial gurus would have you to believe: If your inflow exceeds your outflow,
you’re rockin’ the casbah! If your outflow exceeds your inflow, you don’t answer the phone around dinner time &
keep on the lookout for dudes who want to break your kneecaps! In the coming weeks you’re going to conjure up
some brilliant ideas for earning money. Why? Because you’re a genius! Alas, instead of acting on any of your ideas
(or even bothering to write them down) you’ll waste your money impulsively. Why? Because you’re a Pisces!
Vol. 1 Issue 1 We t h i n k . . . so you d o n’t ha v e to!

l y Te le p a t h & Po p u li st P r e
W eak si on s o f ss
Th e u b m is a r t ic le s, car
e e k ing s ie s , edi t o r ia ls -
is s o r t s tor p o e t
o o n s , s h o f a d s ), o r any o t h e r g e r y,
t ( s p o o r fu n n y o ri g in a l n re
a d s s
sp u s &/ tuff
r i o ar ou nd in y
of se ot kickin’ our
e g s be co m e a f or u
y o u ’ v . H e l p u in Or lan do & m t o
um h on th
c ra n i one d w i t su b mi s s io n s e
c k
b e r e t ! E m a i l : @weak ly tele p a th c
rne . om
Inte