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Christian leader says Star Wars not "a long time ago"
GAZ PEARSON, SENIOR CORRESPONDENT
Rev. John Towers of Raysville, Kentucky is up in arms against the
movie Star Wars, claiming that the film is contrary to the teachings of
the Bible.
The minister's anger is directed at the film's famous opening words -
"A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away".
"This is a lie foisted on the credulous masses by scientists at Industrial
Light and Magic," says Towers. "It did not happen a long time ago.
According to Scripture, the events in Star Wars occurred in the early
1930s."
Towers, pastor of the 3,000 member Jesus Is Lord Evangelical
Assembly Church of the Jedi, has spent thirty years painstakingly
connecting the events in the six Star Wars films with those in the
Bible.
"Those desert nomads, the Jawas, are obviously the Jews. And Obi-
Wan represents the prophet Obadiah. And R2 is Aaron. Or maybe
Artaxerxes. Or someone with a 2 in their name, like Ramses the
Second."
Towers has calculated just how "long ago" the events took place.
"Everything you need to know about the timing of Star Wars can be found in Scripture," said Towers.
"Specifically, Genesis 5:6 - 'And Seth lived an hundred and five years, and begat Enos'."
Towers maintains that the biblical Seth is none other than the Sith, the sworn enemies of the Jedi
Knights.
"I have worked out the time between the birth of 'Seth' in Genesis, through the tribulations of the Jewish
people, the life, death and resurrection of our dear Lord Jesus, and finally the appearance of Darth Maul
in The Phantom Menace."
Towers pegs the events depicted in Star Wars to somewhere in the early 1930s, and calculates that the
destruction of the second Death Star in Return of the Jedi took place between February and March of
1934.
"I wouldn't call that 'long ago'," scoffs Towers. "Especially when you figure that the first Star Wars came
out in 1977."
Towers added, "It's not far far away either. Ask anyone who who has seen a Wookiee - as I have.”

1
Towers is petitioning his state government to legislate changes to future showings of the film. If it passes,
the studio will be forced either to omit the controversial opening title lines, or accompany them with the
warning, “It is only a theory that these events happened a long time ago in a galaxy far far away.”
George Lucas, maker of the Star Wars films, has rejected Towers' repeated requests to change the sci-fi
blockbusters. Said Lucas: “The Bible has nothing to do with it. The movies are just science fiction.”
When informed of the remarks, Towers retorted, “Science doesn't enter into it. This fiction was created.
And now it must be changed."
Towers has high hopes the Kentucky State legislature will enact his petition in the coming weeks.
"Then I can finally get back to the primary work of my church - proving that land of Middle Earth described
in The Lord of the Rings was actually 1880s Minnesota."

2
Courtroom abstract artist claims wrongful dismissal
Courtroom artist Kristie Glands is suing her former employer,
the Wertner International News Group for wrongful dismissal,
after the media multinational fired her claiming that her
abstract court art fell short of their standards.
Glands is furious. "I was hired to portray the court as I see it.
And this is how I see it - as a rich kaleidoscope of fast-
changing colors, bound by the rigid procedures of the judicial
environment."
The case centers around her painting "Happenstance #3"
(pictured above) rendered in pastels, acrylics and white tape.
It was painted during the trial of Texas serial killer Malachi Harbiter, who broke free of guards during the
proceedings and attacked and killed a court clerk and two jurors before finally being restrained by guards.
"The other court artists were all trying to sketch the attacks," Glands remembers. "It looked like bad comc
book art. But what I immediately noticed was the juxtaposition between the commotion of the courtroom
and the gentle play of light entering the room through the leaves of a tree outside the window. I knew it
was that inherent contradiction that I must capture."
Her employers were unhappy with the resulting image and fired her.
While Glands has strong support from the art community, she has been criticized by her colleagues in the
courtroom, where she has a history of ruffling feathers.
Judge Verian Largo objects to Ms Glands' practice of using her own naked body to apply the primary
layers of paint to her works.
"It's distracting," he said. "Especially when she calls out to the lawyers to move this way or that way. She
says it's so she can get better composition, but I think she just wants folks to look at her."
Largo also dislikes the artist's frequent use of her airbrush in the courtroom.
"The compressor for that airbrush is noisy, and the paint stinks," he said. "It's okay for her - she's got an
air filter strapped over her mouth and nose, but my bailiff gets sick from the plasticky smell. Plus, at the
end of the day, I have a colored spray all over my papers and clothes. She gets no sympathy from me.
I'm glad she's gone."
Leslie Varney, a spokesman for Wertner International News Group said today that the company was
within their rights in firing Glands.
"It's quite obvious that Glands' work is not right for our media outlets," he said. "Her work has a staid,
photographic appearance which fails to challenge the viewer in the age of the Internet."
Varney added: "She has now been replaced by a promising new multimedia artist, who works in textiles
and found objects."

3
Dinosaur scientists scared of skeletons
Paleontologists are leaving their field in record numbers,
and the problem is skeletons.
“Skeletons are the most scary thing known to science, but
unfortunately, that’s what this field is all about,” said
Erasmus Cope, Professor of Dinosauric Studies at the
University of Alberta.
According to Cope, paleontology is facing a brain drain
crisis of brontosaurus proportions.
“We can’t hang onto people. My students become
paleontologists because they’ve seen dinosaurs in films
and on television. I spend years teaching them biology,
geology, biochemistry, radiometric dating, geochemical
testing, and biostratigraphy. Then they take one look at a dinosaur skeleton and run away screaming.“
Wenda Trireme is a bowling alley manager in Calgary. At 39, she is just one of those who could not face
life as a paleontologist. “I’d spent ten years unearthing a beautifully preserved Dilophosaurus, a therapod
from the Early Jurassic period.” says Trireme. “I remember I pulled out the last piece of bone, a portion of
the distal humerus, and stuck it on with Dino-Glue Seven. Then suddenly, for the first time, I looked at
what I had created. It was a SKELETON! I couldn’t get away fast enough.”
Cope is disappointed by his scared colleagues. “If it was dinosaur ghosts, I’d understand. Ghosts are
scary. Who knows what ghosts could do? But dinosaur skeletons can’t hurt you. Even if they came alive,
they have no muscles or brain, so they couldn’t move or breathe, and would quickly be dead again.”
“If this goes on, paleontology could go from studying dinosaurs, to becoming a dinosaur,” he quipped,
jestingly. “By which I mean that it wouldn’t be around any more. Of course, it wouldn’t literally become a
dinosaur. That would be impossible.”
With the ranks of researchers dropping by 30% annually, studies suggest that drastic measures are
needed to stem the tide of running, screaming paleontologists.
Cope suggests a simple solution: don’t look at dinosaur skeletons.
“I’ve been in this field forty years, and I’ve never seen a dinosaur skeleton straight on. I make sure that
any bones near me are safely disassembled. If must enter an area containing a complete dinosaur
skeleton, I look at it only through a paleontological safety mirror.”

4
2009 Readers Fiction Competition Winner
30 June 2009
The winner of our 2009 Reader Fiction competition was Olson Greeton, with his short
story “Watch Men”. Our jury were struck by the terse, economical power of Greeton’s
prose, and by its evocative imagery, masterfully describing a universe which is at once
totally unique, and tantalizingly distant, like a vision of a remarkable, nightmare world
seen through the eyes of a drunken illiterate.

Watch Men
By Olson Greeton
A guy was in a fight but who is he? He got punched and punched even though he was very strong but he
eventually got defeated and throwed out the window breaking the window and falling to the ground with
BLOOD and it got on his happy face badge.
Rorshak later climbed up into the apartment wearing a mask which had black and white changing face
shapes (v cool) but he didn’t find anything but he suspected the dead man was a Watch Man and later he
look in the cupboard and press a button and bingo! it is his old equipment.
Later Rorshak his old friends join in. There was Doctor Mahatan and Owl Man and Silk Spectre.
Rorschack try to go see them but he don’t like it and teleport him away outside. They were afraid that
someone was a mask killer which mean killer of ex super heros.
They talk to Ozzy Mandius too but he’s rich now so he’s too busy to see them but he thanks them for
letting him know what’s going on... OR IS HE?
Then Owl Man and Silk Spectre go in an ally and get surrounded by thugs and fight them and he crack
the guys arm and the bones snap horribly. Eww so cool. Afterwards it was so exciting they fall in love
and... you can probably guess.
Meanwhile Doctor Manhatan is perhaps the only person who can save the world, but he has left it and
gone to Mars and made a giant watch (hint – Watch Man) and he think back to all the times in the past
and Comedienne.
Then he take Silk lady to visit him and he knows exactly what she’s going to say next but then he realizes
she’s the daughter of the other guy who is dead so it’s like a MIRACLE to him and he comes back to
earth again but it’s all in ruins. They got to see their friend Ozzy but he’s behind it all and he destroys the
big blue guy but it doesn’t work because reassembling himself is the first thing he learned he say.
And Rorshak get exploded, but the world is safe EXCEPT his journal got posted to that newspaper at the
beginning which I forgot to mention.

THE END

5
Earth to freeze - Climate skeptics thrilled
Our planet is doomed to freeze into a lifeless, icy sphere, say
researchers. The new results overturn previous studies which had
mistakenly predicted a global rise in temperature.
The new results show that earth's temperatures will go into
freefall, freezing the oceans, and the air we breathe. The changes
will utterly destroy all life on earth.
Delighted climate change skeptics are claiming victory in the long-
running debate over global warming.
"We've been saying all along that the climate scientists had their
numbers wrong," said Roger Oakenshield, a spokesman for the
Heartland Institute. "Now, after all the denials, we have hard proof
that we are right. This is a wonderful, wonderful day."
In its 2007 report, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) predicted a rise in temperature
of between 1.1 to 2.9 °C during the 21st century. Red-faced scientists now admit that these figures were
seriously flawed.
"It should have said that the temperature would change TO between 1.1 and 2.9 degrees," said IPCC
spokesmen Adam Leaff. "And it's not degrees Celsius, it's degrees Kelvin. It means our planet's
temperature will fall close to absolute zero. The atmosphere will freeze into a crust of nitrogen-oxygen ice.
All life on earth is doomed."
At the Heartland Institute, the mood was ebullient. "We are going to party like there's no tomorrow -
which, from the look of it, there isn't!" crowed Oakenshield. "We've been saying all along that the best
strategy is one of no regrets. The bleeding heart hippies were wrong, and we were right. We were
absolutely right. We were positively right. That feels pretty good right now."
The new report predicts that before the great freeze, the Earth will undergo catastrophic ocean changes
which will destroy all human life. Many of these changes were previously overlooked due to problems
translating imperial units to metric.
"We announced that the oceans would rise by 3.1 mm next year," Leaff announced, to a hushed room.
"We all assumed mm meant millimeters. It now appears that the scientist who compiled the data used
mm to mean 'million miles'. Next year, this vast mega-tsunami will destroy the surface features or our
world, then splash out beyond the moon's orbit, before evaporating in the vacuum of space."
When presented with the latest IPCC forecast, Oakenshield commented, "Sounds like these so-called
scientists should have stuck to good old American miles instead of switching to that socialist metric those
European scientists are so in love with. But I guess we can all bury the hatchet, what with the world
ending in a year. And, just so it's not forgotten, that's a year during which we will remain right, right right."

6
Michael Jackson “black box” found

CALIFORNIA – Investigators say they have recovered the black

box of downed “King of Pop” Michael Jackson, just hours before
the search was to be called off.
The pop singer’s voice and data recorder is designed to emit
signals with an infectious beat for 30 days after an accident. It
was these faint signals which set the toes of the search team
tapping, and led to the missing box. If the recorded data is intact, it will contain Jackson’s last sounds and
dance moves. This data may be enough to allow investigators to reconstruct a final hit song.
The data recorder was found near one of Neverland’s 1600 Ferris wheels, under a pile of bubble gum
wrappers and old carpets.
The search for the device was one of the largest in pop music history, with more than one hundred
aircraft, ships and all-terrain vehicles scouring the vast Neverland region, aided by chimpanzee
volunteers.
Dudley Del Quantas, a spokesman for the accident investigation team, said that, without the black box,
the secrets of Jackson’s last moments might have been lost to music forever. This could have severely
limited opportunities to make a good “movie of the week” about Jackson. “But now there is hope.”
The black box recording device has been installed in all music artists since 1972. Despite the name, the
black box is not black, or box-shaped. Jackson had surgically removed the corners from his, and had it
painted white.

North Korea successfully test-crashes seven

ballistic missiles

North Korea has conducted successful test crashes of seven

ballistic missiles, according to the North Korean state-run
newspaper, the Pyongyang Gleaner & Taedong Shopping News.

One of the missiles, believed to be a Longdong-A ballistic missile,

was photographed as it corkscrewed through the sky, flipped, and
smashed sidelong into the Sea of Japan. "It was meant to do that," said Lieutenant-Colonel-Journalist
Kim Dog Park, a spokescomrade for the Korean Central News Agency. "North Korea has now proved to
the world its mastery of corkscrew flight, evasive flipping, and side-impact technology. And not going off."

A second missile was then launched from cliffs overlooking the sea. After clearing the gantry with a brief
burst of flame, the missile's rocket engines stopped, and it tumbled silently into the water. "This was a
stealth missile," explained Lt-Col Park. "It will steadfastly patrol undetected beneath the waves, ready at
any moment to take action against foreign provocations or US aggressors."

The next missile exploded on the launch pad, igniting the four adjacent missiles in a ball of flame that was
visible 100 km away. Said Park, "This was a glorious demonstration of the missiles' short-range
capabilities. Only North Korean missiles can work together to destroy nearby targets. Enemy spies
beware!"

The missile tests follow recent test flights for a North Korean manned space mission, in which North
Korea successfully scattered body parts across the Yellow Sea.
7
YOUR MONEY
Having trouble deciding if some money is yours?
Money expert Ryan Neeswahl is here to help in our
regular column.

Dear Ryan: I have just started work at a major insurance company. At the end of my first two-week stint, I
was handed a check for several thousand dollars. The check looked official, and had the company's logo.
Is this really my money? I'm worried. Barbara, London
Ryan says... Relax, Barbara. This sum is called a salary, and it is paid by some companies to their
employees in exchange for work. It is definitely Your Money.

Dear Ryan: Last week, I went into a bank, pointed a gun at the teller, and told her I would shoot unless I
received $50,000 in cash. But actually it was a trick. It would have been impossible for me to shoot
anyone, because the gun wasn't even loaded. The way I see it, the bank made an error in giving me the
money, and I should be allowed to keep it. Am I right? Curtis, Thornbeam Acres
Ryan says... This kind of sloppy service is all too typical from bank tellers these days. The teller should
have demanded proof that your weapon was loaded, and her failure to do so means that you have a good
claim on the cash. But I'm afraid you will not be legally allowed to keep the money unless you have the
bank's permission. Just go back to the bank and talk to the manager about your funny joke and your bad
experience with the teller. If you're lucky, he should let you keep the money as compensation. Be sure to
have him sign an E442 Righteous Theft form before you leave. At that point, it will be Your Money..

Dear Ryan: I have so much money that my wallet is bursting with it. It was given to me as a birthday
present by an uncle who has since died. The notes are black, with five rounded extensions. My cousins
say that because my uncle was their father, and they are closer relations, that the money does not belong
to me. Is it My Money? Bruce, Winnipeg
Ryan says... Your cousins are wrong. It is yours, but it sounds to me as if it's not technically money. I
think what you have there is a pair of leather gloves. So, no, I'm afraid it is not Your Money.

Dear Ryan: Yesterday, while looking through my purse, I discovered a $10 bill. I don't remember putting it
there. Is it my money, or should I turn it into the police. Lily, Bangor
Ryan says... Of course, it's possible that you placed the money there at some point in the past and
forgot, but is this likely? The money may have been dropped by a small child and been carried by the
wind into your purse. It might have been placed there by the previous owner of the purse for times of
desperate need. Or it might also have been placed by antipickpockets as part of a complex money
laundering scheme. I know what I would do, but you must follow your conscience on this one.

Do you have questions about whether a sum of is yours? Send your question to Ryan, along with the
money if you wish, and he will answer them. All submissions remain the property of Your Money.

8
Small arms bring big football wins for Hellions
The Timberville Hellions finally ended their long losing streak
with a 10-0 win against the Granby Cougars, after trading
their blue uniforms for dapper green camouflage and
automatic weapons.
Using a combination of suppressing fire and strategically
placed antipersonnel devices, the Hellions dominated the
game from the opening seconds, when a burst of gunfire from
quarterback Tommy Pilkner felled a Cougars linebacker.
The Cougars gave a disappointing performance during the
game, appearing disorganized and inept as they attempted to
drag the bodies of dead and wounded teammates from the field.
Coach Werner Senger drew criticism last month for his decision to change the Hellions' traditional blue
uniform for the Kevlar-lined body armor. But after the game there were few doubters.
"I wish I'd done it years ago," he laughed. "This is exactly the kind of hard-hitting power this team has
needed."
Quarterback Pilkner was also pleased with his team's performance.
"We had a good game. It all came together. It was mainly about teamwork, speed, and discipline. The
uniforms and the high powered weaponry were kind of the icing on the cake, helping to build the morale
of our team, and make a few holes in the other guys."
Spirits were low in the the Granby Cougars dressing room, and coach Elliot Moorvale hinted that there
would be significant changes to the team's lineup for the next game.

9
Eight Top New iPhone Apps
13 July 2009
Looking for a hot new app for your iPhone? These sizzling gems of programming
wizardry are guaranteed to turn heads, impress colleagues, and make you extremely
popular and successful.

Number 8

iPhone Toilet delivers all the fun of looking after a toilet without the mess
or germs. Use the brush to keep your toilet clean, and the plunger when it
becomes clogged. Toilet styles can be selected from ten designs, including
a Victorian style, a Star Trek toilet, and an amusing wooden bucket.
Unfortunately, the bathroom background is not changeable. Not a great
game, but good value at $1.99.

Number 7

Put Down Your iPhone and Live. Those of us who are addicted to
our iPhones may find that this game restores a little balance to our
lives. In this groundbreaking app, you manipulate three body parts, a
nose, a finger, and a foot, which interact with their environment. Rub
your foot in the grass. Use the nose to smell the roses. Stroke a puppy.
The app wears a little thin after a few hours of play, but at $1.99, it's a
no-brainer.

Number 6

Which Plinth? You get to examine various plinths and place things on top of
them. Arguably the most popular of the plinth-themed games, and a worthy
sequel to the cult hit Which Pilaster. Limited, sure, but how can you say no at
$1.99?

10
Number 5
Rite-On Scribble Pad. Don't waste another penny on clumsy notepads -
this novel app turns the iPhone screen into a perfect copy of a piece of
paper. The user can then draw on the iPhone glass using any permanent
marker. The pen marks are easily removed again with rubbing alcohol,
although this may damage your iPhone. Not a sophisticated application, but
at just $1.99, who cares?

Number 4
iRob takes a different approach to iPhone messages, allowing the user to
select from a menu of dozens of sinister threats, ranging from "Give me $20
or I will break your arm," to "I have a gun. Hand over all the money in the
vault." You'll quickly make back many times the cost of the app, which is a
bargain at $1.99.

Number 3
Heads or Tails Deluxe presents a beautifully rendered penny on a lovely
green baize background. Shaking the iPhone causes the penny to jump. You
can enjoy guessing whether it will come down heads or tails. There are no
statistics or fancy menus - it's just plain coin-tossing fun. Play time is short, at
only a few seconds per game, but it's worth picking up for the low price of
$1.99.

Number 2

iMailerPro is the best of the self-mailer apps. Just type in the

mailing address and it will appear on the iPhone screen. You can
then drop your iPhone in the mailbox, confident that it will reach its
destination, as long as the battery doesn't run out. Don't forget to
add a real stamp - the onscreen one won't work in most areas. Reasonably priced at
$1.99.

Number 1

The Battle of Maldon offers something new for combat fans. Be warned,
though - despite the gory splashscreen, this is not an action game, but only a
slowly scrolling text of the 11th century Anglo Saxon poem. Choose between
two fonts and three styles of parchment. Those not fluent in Anglo Saxon may
find it hard to follow, but buy it anyway - it's only $1.99.

11
Titanic sunk by collision with
Hindenberg claims realtor
Did the Titanic collide with an iceberg? Not according to
Acreville realtor and Titanic expert Evan Kroons. His
discoveries are set to overturn everything we thought we
knew about the famous maritime disaster.
"The Titanic was made of metal," Kroons explains. "An
iceberg is just ice, through and through. Metal is way
stronger. Trust me on this one. I'm convinced that only one thing could have sunk this unsinkable vessel -
an airship the exact size and shape of the Hindenburg."
After years of investigating the subject, using both books and World Wide Web technology, Kroons, has
concluded that the Titanic's own distress messages were misinterpreted. "Their radio was damaged, so
some words got chopped out." According to Kroons, the Titanic's actual message was not "We've hit an
iceberg" but "We've hit a nice (... big airship - the Hinden...) berg".
"Yes, they said 'nice' not 'ice"', says Kroons. "In those days, an airship was an amazing sight. They
probably thought, what a nice airship."
But the awe and delight of the passengers turned to terror when the giant airship struck the Titanic,
scraping a long hole through its steel hull, dooming the great ship to a watery grave, and causing its band
to play on.
Kroons first doubts about the Titanic disaster arose when he discovered that the Titanic sank in April. "It
was springtime," says the real estate and history expert. "It was the kind of April evening when you might
stand at the front of the boat with a girl and say you're the king of the world or something. If it had been
iceberg weather, he'd have worn a big coat."
Kroons' discovery also shed's light on the famous Hindenburg disaster. "People always say how the
Hindenburg crashed when it landed. But NO! The Hindenburg caught fire when it hit the Titanic. The
Hindenburg captain saw the fireballs coming out of the side. He knew they were in trouble, and flew at top
speed to the nearest place it could - New Jersey, where people filmed it. But it didn't catch fire then. It
was ALREADY on fire. People just couldn't see it because the fire was round the other side. Then the fire
spread round to the side they could see, and everyone said, oh, it's caught fire. Wrong, actually. It was on
fire for hours."
When asked to explain how Hindenburg disaster occurred 25 years after the Titanic, Kroons explained
that people often got dates wrong in those days. But if the dates are correct, it might open up an even
more fascinating possibility. "That a rip in the fabric of the Hindenburg might have created a rip in the
fabric of time."

12
Mathematicians celebrate baffling new proof
Mathematicans around the world were celebrating today, after the
announcement that Glimpi's Conjecture had been proved by Edward
Chen and Elias Gruenwald at MIT.
The 29-year-old Chen said, "We are delighted. Glimpi's Conjecture is
literally the Holy Grail of numeric set lassitude mathematics."
Gruenwald laughed as he added "And of non-polychromic
mathematics in general!"
Reaction from mathematicians worldwide was swift.
"Whatever Glimpi's Conjecture is, it sounds like these young men
have solved it," said Roger Plapper, from Britain's Royal Society of
Sums. "This breakthrough is tremendously, tremendously exciting. We
are living in historic times."
Plapper admitted that, with so many branches of mathematics, he was unable to understand the proof
himself. "It's a very specialized field," he said. "I haven't studied numeric set lassitude mathematics, or
even heard of it until this morning. But that's what's so wonderful about it. It sounds like really hard
maths."
According to the press release from discoverers Chen and Gruenwald, Glimpi's Conjecture is a long-
standing thorn in the side of mathematicans studying the field of numeric set lassitude. First formulated in
1826 by German-Hungarian mathematician and chiropractor Brian Glimpi, it states that any n-array value
not including b must be bi-literate as an n+b substrate of the embracing Tau set.
"I don't understand a word of it," said Plapper. "That tells me that these people must be really smart."
In an afternoon press conference, the young mathematicans explained their discovery in concrete terms.
Said Gruenwald, "Imagine that you are standing on a sled, travelling sideways, while balls of various
colors are thrown at you from behind, from another sled. You don't know how many colors there are in
total, but if you are hit by a red ball, it will hurt you. Well, obviously, that's a perfect example of Glimpi's
Conjecture in action."
Chen added, "The math may be hard, but we deal with it every day. For example, imagine a spinning
disk, painted half white and half black. A cube is dropped onto it, hits the disk, and flies off in an arbitrary
direction. Now imagine a room filled with such disks and cubes. Sometimes the flying cubes hit each
other, and sometimes they don't. And that's what Glimpi's Conjecture is all about. It's that easy."
The pair then showed a picture of a complex golden cube, which represented a graph of the proof.
Around the world, mathematicians were amazed by the discovery.
"This is going to shake up everything," said Zaj Klywj, Professor of Mathematics at the University of
Toronto. "It sounds like Glimpi's is one of the big ones, for sure. It's one of those things that sounds easy,
but then you look at it and it's confusing. Beautiful. This is probably the sort of discovery that will get an
Abel Prize or Fields Medal or something. This Tau set n-array stuff, or whatever they said, it sounds really
impressive."
Back at MIT, the excitement was so great that the Department of Non-Polychromic Mathematics
suspended classes for faculty and both students.

13
Warcraft, EverQuest good for kids say Dwarves
Far from isolating children from friends and reality, games like World of Warcraft and Everquest help them
to become productive members of society, say researchers in the Dwarven city of Ironforge.
"I'm constantly hearing from parents who are concerned about the time their kids spend playing World of
Warcraft," said head researcher and hunter Talin Keeneye. "They're afraid that their kids will obsess over
the game, becoming withdrawn and antisocial, as they
become absorbed in a fantasy world. But nothing could be
further from the truth."
Keeneye has compiled thousands of examples of children
as young as 7, who, thanks to online games, have made a
positive contribution to society.
"Recently, Coldridge Valley was becoming dangerous from
an explosion in the boar population. We needed help to
reduce their numbers, and who do you think stepped up to
the plate? It wasn't the Dwarven guards, who are paid to
carry out that kind of job. No, it was ordinary kids, doing
their bit to help out. I don't know where we'd be without
them."
Tharek Blackstone, a toolsmith in Dun Morogh, couldn't agree more. "I needed a set of tools delivered to
Beldin Steelgrill, who owns the local mechanic shop some distance away. I didn't have time to go myself,
so you can imagine how pleased I was when a young kid offered to run the errand for me. It warms my
heart to see young people taking an interest in those around us, not to mention gaining some real-world
experience."
Keeneye's study reports more than 10,000 similar cases, not only from the vicinity of Ironforge, but from
such far-flung locations as Silvermoon, Thunder Bluff, and Stormwind City.
"Everywhere you look, these young people are busy helping out, delivering flowers, wiping out plagues of
dangerous creatures, which seem to continually appear out of nowhere, or finding ingredients for a local
cook, who is constantly running out. And the situation is just the same for my colleagues over in
EverQuest. Does that sound like escaping reality? Because to me it sounds like living life to the fullest -
achieving your maximum potential as a human being, or goblin, or night elf, or whatever you are."
But while Keeneye is in favor of kids spending more time questing, he doesn't mind if they spend an hour
or two outside it.
"Kids also need downtime," he says. "If they want to spend it in these so-called reality games, playing
mindless games like baseball, or reading about fictional character in books, that's fine. Just as long as
they don't forget to kill monsters and run errands for helpless townsfolk."
In fact, when he's not out hunting, Keeneye himself admits a fondness for online computer games.
"I play a Level 27 stockbroker, who is currently in the middle of a quest to pay off the mortgage on his city
apartment," he laughs. "It's all good fun, but I don't let it take over my life."

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Computed: The world's most beautiful woman
17 July 2009

The perfect woman may not exist in reality, but scientists now know what she would look like. The
discovery follows five years of painstaking work by researchers at Montreal's McGill University, who
digitally selected and blended the best features of the world's most beautiful woman, to create a single
composite face, revealed here for the first time.
"We hope she will become the gold standard in female beauty," said project leader Professor Pierre Kleb,
head of the Department of Pulchritude. "We have named her Bernice, after an attractive graduate student
I once knew."
The hardest part of the work involved selecting Bernice's features from the thousands of possible
candidates. But Kleb is pleased with the final results.
"For Bernice's cheeks, we needed to look no further than the lovely Halle Berry," said Kleb. "And her eyes
were those of beautiful dead British actress Audrey Hepburn, star of Roman Holiday, Gigi and Breakfast
at Tiffany's."
Kleb's team spent six months deciding on the most perfect female ears, before finally choosing those of
Hollywood actress Angelina Jolie as the best in the world.
The lovely Lindsay Lohan was selected as having the most perfect nose, while Bernice's golden-blonde
hair came from Jennifer Aniston.
The hypothetical super-beauty's cheeks are based on those of Halle Berry. "Halle's surname is Berry, but
her cheeks are like two lovely ripe apples," quipped Kleb.
And for a mouth?
"There we went old school," said Kleb. "Our analysis showed that the most perfect mouth belonged to
none other than Marilyn Monroe."
The final composite, pictured below, has now been revealed to the public for the first time. (See next
page.)
The McGill team will continue their work, to give Bernice a body that will match her beautiful face.
"I can't say too much," said Kleb, "but I will tell you that the left breast belongs to Scarlett Johansson.

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"Bernice" - The world's most beautiful woman

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Classifieds
Employment
GET YOUR CHILD INTO CHIMNEY SWEEPING. Make $100s each year. SootyTots is
the leading agency for talented young chimney sweep assistants. No need to waste
time on beauty pageants or baby contests. Reasonable listing fee. Guaranteed income.
Narrow children only please. Fully insured against loss. Contact Obadiah Graspweasel.
Box 1847.
MAKE UP TO $50K PER YEAR WATCHING TV. Could be more.
Could be less. Could be nothing at all. The mystery feeds the
excitement. You have nothing to lose. Learn the secret: $100. Box
3219.
LOOKING FOR ROOFERS, LABORERS. Misplaced about six weeks
ago. Possibly left on top of tall building. Answers to “You guys”.
Please contact Sam. Box 2111.

FRELANCE EDITER AVALABLE. Lo-rates hi-quatily work. Nesletters

broshures corperate reports , fliers adn stuf for weedings and funrals.
“u name it I ed-it”. Call Elziabeth. Bxo 4344.
CAULKERS WANTED. If you can caulk, you’re the one for us.
Caulking is the thing we need. Box 1314.

Merchandise
HOSPITAL BANDAGES. Ideal for stuffing toys, pillows sold in shady back alleys. Box
2552.
ARE YOU OVERWEIGHT? I’m not. I’m just big-boned, and my clothes have shrunk
from too many washes. Box 1948.
FOUR TOILET ROLLS. Some water damage and staining after exposure to rusty water
from the back of the sink. $3 or best offer. Box 2.
HOT TUB. 2008 model loaded, warr. Includes original hot water. Box 9053.
ELECTRONIC COMPUTER. Includes digital memory and keyboard input. Comes with
attached pointing “mouse” device. Box 774.

Services
STAR TREK episodes identified while you wait. Tell us the action and we'll tell you the
title and ep number. Box 1701.

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WE DO IT ALL! Fast work. Rapid progress. In another six months we will have done it
all. Box 7457.
FREE ESTIMATES. Mrs Enid Snow is willing to estimate anything. Populations of third
world countries, number of pennies in a jar. Complete discretion assured. Box 9977.
CRIMINAL OFFENCES? We do them all, from littering to murder. Free consultation and
assault. Call Carl and Mike. Box 2831.
SEEKING BABYSITTING JOB. The job was lost on subway Thursday night. Short.
Blond hair. Purple-capped sippy cup. Answers to Mikey. $3 reward. Box 2025.

Lost and Found

FOUND: Blue plastic pen cap to PaperMate disposable ballpoint pen. Some scratching
to the underside. Pocket clasp slightly bent. Found by side of road. Rest of pen crushed.
Please call to claim. NOTE: Due to the high cost of advertising, I will run this ad for only
eight more weeks, after which the pen cap will be handed over to the police. Box 8231.
FOUND: Large aluminum lamp posts with working light. Found abandoned at side of
road. Also 15 traffice meters and 2 mailboxes (with mail). Box 614.
LOST: Cullinan diamond. 3,106 carats. Great sentimental value. If found, please contact
Elizabeth. $20 reward. Box 8428.
THING FOUND: Contact me telling me what the thing is, where you lost it, and
describing any identifying features. Box 6555.

Pets
LABRADOR PUPS. Purebred. Dewormed. $500 each or 2 for $1000. Box 6671.
LABRADOR WORMS. Freshly extracted. Play with them on their own, or insert them
into any Labrador for hours of fun. Box 6671.

Apartments
ONE BEDROOM. Includes bed. Would make useful addition to any home. Could be
used for storage. Box 4412.
ROOMMATE WANTED for attractive lesbian couple. Would prefer overweight, middle-
aged, balding male. Must not be shocked by our naughty antics. Box 6969.
PRIVATE PENTHOUSE APARTMENT. Rest of building demolished. Incl. long ladder
and winch for groceries. Box 602.
LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION. Large barrel overlooking river. Needs replacement
wood. New hoops. Land not included. Box 254.

Personals
ARE YOU THE YOUNGISH WOMAN with purple hair and nose stud in Chapters
bookstore last Wednesday? I pointed out a science fiction book you might be interested
in. I felt a connection. Am I right? Let's get together and see. Box 2040.

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MAYTAG REFRIGERATOR seeks brass desk lamp with green shade for discreet
intimate encounters. Box 3111.
ARE YOU THE SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT LADY WITH POODLE with blondish hair
and a cough? I ran into you in High Park two weeks ago. I complemented your dog, but
I think something more passed between us. Let's talk. Box 2040.
SENSITIVE OLD FASHIONED GUY, 59. Balding, a few extra pounds, modest income.
Looking for the right woman for companionship and possible matrimony. Must be an A-
list Hollywood actress. Blonde preferred. Porn stars considered. Box 1943.
LOOKING FOR LOVE IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES. Have searched in grocery
freezers, sewer grates, in exhaust of buses. No luck at all. Any advice gratefully
accepted. Box 912.
ARE YOU THE CHINESE OR JAPANESE WOMAN moving refrigerator with her
unattractive friend on Lilley Rd. on Tuesday? I said it looked like hard work for two little
ladies. I felt a vibe. Let's connect. Box 2040.

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