How Do You Deal with Inner Conflict?

By Linda Adams, President of GTI Most people dread conflictthey experience it as uncomfortable and stressful, something to fear. As a result, we learn to avoid, suppress or withdraw from conflict or even act as though it doesnt exist. Rarely do we choose to see the existence of conflict as positive and see that it presents an opportunity for us to move forward if only we are willing to face it and deal with it effectively. Sooner or later, most of us come to grips with the fact that conflict is inevitable, both within ourselves and in our relationships with othersat work, at home, everywhere. Not only is conflict inevitable, dealing with it effectively is essential if we are to live up to our capabilities. Conflict causes us to examine issues more carefully and challenges us to develop creative responses and solutions. In fact, conflict is the root of changebe it personal, relational or social. Usually, when we think of being in conflict, its between peoplebetween us and our boss or co-worker or spouse or child. But even more often, we experience personal, inner conflict within ourselves. Simply put, inner conflict is when youre battling with yourself. These are the frequent daily inner contradictions that we all experience whether or not we are conscious of them. This kind of conflict arises every time youre faced with making a decision and generally involves a struggle between doing what you think you ought to do and being your true self. Sometimes we see these conflicts as insignificant. Heres an example a friend shared with me yesterday just after a job interview. He came away excited and energized by his meeting with the President and felt hed like to work in that company. His quandary was whether to send a note of thanks and mail it right away or wait a day or two so as not to appear too eager or desperate. After vacillating back and fort h between those two options, he acted on his authentic response which was to send the note right away and as a result felt relieved and calm, knowing that his values and behavior were in sync. What Are the Signs That Let You Know Youre in Conflict?

Usually, you experience a vague awareness that something is wrong, a feeling of discomfort, stress or agitation. Often, you feel this discomfort in your bodyin your stomach or chest. The problem is that many times, we dont pay attention to this discomfort and in other cases, we consciously suppress it. As we know all too well, ignoring, avoiding, suppressing or denying inner conflict when it occurs does not mean that it goes away. In fact, we use a great deal of energy to suppress itto not deal with itenergy which then cannot be put to constructive use. Not only that, but failure to face conflict when it arises and deal with it effectively means that we stay stuck and mired in the problemdebilitated theres no improvement or expansion or true relief or resolution. And too often, we resolve the inner conflict by making a decision to do what we ought to do instead of what we truly want to do. When we consistently ignore or suppress our true values or needs and opt to make a safe or politically correct decision, we get increasingly disconnected from our authentic selves. As a result, it becomes more difficult to know what our real needs are. If you do nothing else after reading this, take notice of any vague feelings of discomfort or agitation that you experience today and consciously trace them to their source. Dont discount them, however insignificant they may seem. Pay careful attention to them. Try to zero in on whats causing you to feel uncomfortable. The cause could be a decision youve been putting off or a risk youre trying to talk yourself out of taking or perhaps its continuing to go along with a situation thats no longer acceptable to you. Whatever the content of these inner conflicts, acknowledge their existence. Its in these momentswhich occur oftenthat you have the opportunity to get in touch with what your core values and needs are. When we can summon the courage to allow ourselves to acknowledge and experience these inner conflicts and then have the courage to act in alignment with what we truly believe, the more enriched and fulfilling our lives will becomeboth at work and at home. The manifestations are a sense of clarity, relief, comfort, expansion, vitalityeven exhilaration.

Resolving Your Inner Conflicts

Written by Sen on October 3rd, 2011 Are there are times when you behave in a manner that feels completely contradictory to what you want yourself to be? Do you feel that there is a lack of consistency in your behavior/attitude which makes you feel unpredictable about yourself in that you are not really able to find a stability within you? People who find peace within themselves are the ones who find a sense of stability in who they are their mindset is not one that is wavering and volatile all the time, but one that has a consistency in its movement. Also from the perspective of creating your desired reality, a consistent mind (or a consistent vibration of thought) is a powerful force, while a scattered mind has a very weak/counterproductive effect. A person who has a scattered or unpredictable behavior is usually the one who has a lot of inner conflicts that have not been resolved, thus lacking a congruent inner space. Behavior patterns of a person with inner conflicts A conflict simply means that the mind is confused between are multiple perspectives/inclinations and is not able fixate on a singular vibration of thought. A person who has a lot of inner conflicts would usually exhibit the below behaviors - Is usually easily influenced by the opinions and point-of-views of others - Feels guilt/shame about some natural drives/impulses in oneself - Finds it difficult to make decisions and is always doubtful about the decisions made - Finds oneself attracting dysfunctional relationships that are rife with conflicts with no sense of harmony - Feels no sense of stability in oneself and is highly volatile when faced with a challenge - Is constantly seeking support from others due to lack of conviction in ones own self - Feels sudden changes in moods and personality - Is highly uncertain about what he/she really wants/desires from life in the realm of finances, relationship and lifestyle

- Is usually trying to distract oneself from having to face the conflicts within distractions are usually in the form of entertainment, relief inducing chemicals (alcohol, drugs), escapeoriented spirituality, ambiguous work etc Its easy to identify if your inner space has a conflicted vibrations in it because your life situation will create ample realities where you would see these conflic ts coming to the surface again and again. If there are areas in your life that are rife with stress, unfulfillment and disharmony (whether it be in your relationship, health, career or finances), they are just mirrors indicating the presence of conflicted vibrations within you. Bringing awareness to the conflicts is the start of its dissolution It may not be very comfortable or pleasant to bring the light of awareness to the conflicts present in oneself. It feels much easier to just distract oneself from having to face it, and hope that it gets diffused on its own. But the more you try to run away from facing the conflicts in you, the more you will be at the mercy a fluctuating mindset. If you want to a harmonious mind, with a stability in your being, its imperative to dissolve conflicted vibrations within you. Nothing can really change unless a conscious awareness is brought to the fore. Just a deep awareness of the conflicts within is enough to start its dissolution, because awareness brings a deep intelligence into place on its own. Be willing to allow your consciousness to touch the conflicts within you, without shying away from it or fearing it. It may feel unpleasant to sense the energy of the conflicted vibrations in you, but dont let this temporary discomfort cause you to turn away from facing it with your awareness. Its helpful to be in a silent space, by yourself, while you bring in this awareness, so that mind is not distracted from outside influences. Here are a few pointers to help see through the causes of the conflicted thought patterns - What you really desire conflicts with what your mind thinks as the required reality because of the fear/lack based conditioning in the mind let go of the lack based belief and you will be able to harmonize with your true desire.

- If there is a conflict in your behavior its always because the mind is reacting from a place of fear instead of being grounded in a place of trust in life. Develop the courage to stand true to your integrity and stop allowing the mind to drag you down to a lower behavior. - Realize that you have to do nothing that you dont want to do to manifest your desired reality. You just need to follow your joy/inspiration/passion and you will be on the path towards manifesting it. When you live with the mindset of needing to do things (which is basically a lack-based thought), you will always feels conflicted within your true self. - Find out who you really are as a person and get a clear picture of the personality that is you. Any behavior/thinking-pattern that does not fit in with this personality is in conflict with it and hence needs to be dis-identified with fully. When you really know who you are as a person, its not possible to have conflicted behaviors. The resolution of conflicted vibrations in oneself results in the creation of a harmonious energy space, which allows for a consistent mindset and thus creates a powerful force towards the creation of your desired reality. It can take time to dissolve the energy of all the conflicted vibrations (may be a few months) in you, but this time that you invest in yourself will bring in rich dividends because a harmonious inner space always results in the manifestation of a harmonious external reality thus bringing in well-being and abundance in all the aspects of your life. How to deal with internal conflict By M.Farouk Radwan, MSc. Miscellaneous 2 Signs of an internal conflict, when two parts of your brain fight together Ever found yourself unable to sleep because two parts of your brain were fighting together? Ever had a serious internal conflict in your mind? Are you loaded with guilt, stress , shame or any other unbearable emotion?? An internal conflict happens when one part of you disagrees with what the other part is doing. such feelings usually result in very high levels of discomfort to the extent that you might believe that you are becoming mad.

So

what

are

the

signs

of

an

internal

conflict?

Restlessness, over thinking, being unable to relax and having trouble falling asleep are all signs of an internal conflict that is going on in your mind. How to deal with an internal conflict Because an internal conflict usually results in unbearable emotions its extremely important that you learn how to end it. Here is what you need to do to end inner conflicts:

1) Don't push away annoying thoughts: If you have an internal conflict then each now and then you will get really annoying and irritating thoughts especially during the times you are trying to relax at. Pushing away those thoughts will only make them more intense. Just let your subconsciousness mind know you received the message so that it stops bothering you with it. Think of the possibilities, the options you have and possible ways to get out of this mess instead of pushing those thoughts away. (See also How do people escape from reality)

2) Don't violate your values: One major source of such internal conflicts is the violation of your own values. When you move against what you believe in your subconscious mind will do its best to bring you back to the right track and as a result your mind will start fighting itself. Do your best to stick to what you believe in and if it happened that you violated any of your values just make sure you don't do the same mistake again. The internal conflict usually happens when there is constant violation of values almost everyday and not when a small mistake happens

3) Do what you are supposed to do: The other major source of internal conflicts is escaping from the tasks you are supposed to do. Your beliefs, goals and values will always imply that you act in a certain way. Failure to keep up to the expectations you have of yourself or procrastinating instead of taking actions always results in serious internal conflicts

4) Write the conflict down: One of the best ways of unloading unwanted emotions from your brain is to write them down. When you write down your thoughts you will feel as if you dumped your emotions on the paper. In addition to the relief you will get you will also get much more self understanding that will help you figure out the

best method you need to use in order to resolve that conflict (see also This is why you should write a plan)

5) Always be time conscious: When you get older or pass from one major life phase to another (for example moving from school to college or college to work) you will always find yourself measuring your progress in life with your peers. Now if you were prepared for that moment by having a plan that you are following then most probably you wont get affected but if you weren't prepared then you will get an internal conflict whenever you move on to a new phase in your life (see also Why are some people afraid to grow up)

How i resolved a serious internal conflict Sometimes you might need to take serious actions in order to resolve an internal conflict. If for example you hate to take orders then certainly working for someone will let you live with an internal conflict because a part of you would want the job while another part of you would want you to quit the job. In such a case if you can't quit your job you need to start your own business in parallel to the job. This is what i did when i was suffering because of my day job. I just had to start my business and within few month i started to feel more relaxed because i felt that there is a way out for me. In other words, a serious action can resolve most internal conflicts even if the main problem wasn't solved yet. I felt way better long before i left my job because of the actions i took. The book The ultimate guide to getting over depression was released by 2knowmself, the book provides a 100% guarantee for feeling better else you will be refunded. 2knowmysef is not a complicated medical website nor a boring online encyclopedia but rather a place where you will find simple, to the point and effective information that is backed by psychology and presented in a simple way that you can understand and apply. If you think that this is some kind of marketing hype then see Dealing with Conflict: Knowing When the Battle Is Internal By Sarah Louise Gess

When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you. ~African Proverb Sometimes, we all need to ascertain whether were inadvertently contributing to the struggles and challenges we face. When we have to deal with a tough issue, it can be hard to decipher whether it is truly an objective problem, or if we have (at least some) subconscious ownership of it. This is especially hard since the biggest challenges in our lives are typically intricate and complex. Human nature leads us to believe that other people are at fault when we experience conflict, that we have been wronged. If we look closely, well see that our actions and reactions are useful tools, as they provide insight into our own perceptions and can fuel personal growth and development.

I am a glass-half-full person. I operate under the belief that the more I take care of myself, my life, and my own happiness, the more I can give to others, especially my loved ones. But recently I hit a wall. It entailed a series of events over a two-week period when every part of my life seemed to be straining under the presence of a dark, erratic storm. I had been very busy in my job and had stopped enjoying it. My relationships with my colleagues had become so tense that I was close to jumping ship. My patience had practically disappeared, leading to stress and anxiety. I was struggling to keep my (sometimes) short temper in check. Even when dealing with small challenges, I was seeing red at every opportunity. I was arguing with my partner, interpreting his every move as a threat to my already delicate and vulnerable state of mind. What was wrong? Put simply, I just wasnt right. There I was, brought to my knees by an emotional hurricane charging through my life and everything in its path, and I just couldnt understand why. Was it a twisted coincidence that all the areas of my life were simultaneously conspiring against me? Was life simply testing my patience, strength, and resilience? Or was there something personal going on? After avoidance, quiet contemplation, and then much careful thought, I had an epiphany the kind of realization that completely floors you, a eureka moment, if you will. The wall I faced was actually a mirror. It forced me to confront things that I had been ignoring. I had stopped doing the things that I love, the things that keep me strong. Basically, I was in need of emotional, mental, and spiritual TLC. I had outwardly projected my internal struggle onto my surrounding world, and it was being reflected right back at me, compelling me to noticerefusing to let me bury my head in the sand for the umpteenth time.

Because I had tunnel vision regarding my external difficulties, I couldnt see the real source of conflict: I had neglected to nurture my core. Even though I did this for a brief period of time, this still affected me in a profound way. We all have different levels of holistic care and maintenance. Mine happens to be high. I love being independent, spending quality time alone, enjoying and exploring my creative strengths, connecting with my loved ones, living life fully and joyfully, and appreciating the small things that make me happy every single day. But during this particular time, I settled for a poor level of emotional holistic care. Realizing this reminded me how delicate and vulnerable each of us can become when we forget about ourselves and our needs. When daily life and all its trappings take over, we can sometimes lose ourselves and neglect to do the things that help keep us strongand that can lead to conflict all around us. If youre struggling with various challenges and wondering if the root may be something internal, these tips may help you find out: 1. Be brutally honest with yourself. This is hard. Its the kind of honest that is scary, but ultimately liberating. This will help set you free from blinkered thinking and open your mind to new perspectives on what you are really dealing with. Try writing down your feelings. Have a brainstorming session and write down anything that pops into your mind. You might even be surprised by what comes up. This is a great opportunity to really explore and process your emotions. This freestyle approach can help lead you to identifying what is really troubling you. 2. Ask yourself: What is my mirror showing me? Is this immediate problem really the issue, or does it highlight something else that you need to pay attention to?

This is built on the previous step of honesty. Take a good look at that mirror and dont let fear prevent you from receiving its message. Have an open heart and mind, and welcome the opportunity to learn from this experience and grow into a stronger, more aware person. Of course, there will be times when the problem does not reflect any internal struggle or conflict. Youll only know if you get radically honest with yourself. 3. Ascertain your ideal holistic care and maintenance level. This is very important. What do you need every day to support you in being the best person that you can possibly be? This is different for everyone, and yours will be as unique and individual as you are. Try making a list of things that you love doing every day, which support you in being a strong, empowered, present, happy person. These things dont have to be grand or fancy. They can be anything that reminds you who you are, why you are amazing, and why you love yourself. For example: being a great parent, appreciating the great outdoors, or indulging in your hobbies. Extend your list when you discover something new. We all strive for peace, purpose, and happiness in our own unique ways, and this is something we must never lose sight of. At the end of every day, if we have lived in accordance with our personal beliefs and principles, taken care of our emotional needs, and nurtured our hearts, minds, and souls, there is little room left for conflict or struggle. Inner Conflict destoys YOUR Self Confidence Commitment! By making a decision and sticking to it no matter what and staying committed without letting unwanted thoughts drift into your mind you will be able to deal with any obstacle in your way. Inner conflict only creates indecisiveness and an open invitation to stress and losing confidence in ourselves and our abilities.

While we all have these conflicts at one time or another it is important that we know how to deal with them. Finding ways to resolve them and move forward with a positive, healthy outlook. By resolving our inner conflicts we are able to vastly improve our Self-Esteem. Allowing ourselves to focus, be less stressed and listen to our inner voice. If we listen to our inner voice it will guide us into making correct choices and decisions, assisting us to gain total control over our lives. Enabling us to manage and achieve goals that we have set out in life, thus, creating a healthier, more relaxed and happier future. Inner conflicts play havoc with our emotions, leading low Self-Esteem, low Self-Confidence and depression. It is imperative that we rid ourselves of inner conflicts when they arise and not to let them fester in our minds. Inner conflicts can develop in different ways. It may stem from indecisiveness or deep-seated feelings stemming from unresolved issues in your life. They could even stem back from things that happened in your childhood. After all, the person you are now is the result of all your lifes experiences. It could be that instead of dealing with the unresolved issues you may have built up a wall and kept your feelings in rather than facing them and dealing with them at the time they occurred. It is essential that you break down the walls youve created and bring these feelings and issues out into the open, dealing with them now before they limit your life any longer. In order to overcome unresolved issues and inner conflicts I encourage you to practice the following:

Let go of the past. What good is it hanging onto the past. It absolutely gets you nowhere. Your present your future is all being wasted whilst you continue to stay in your past. This includes your past beliefs, old habits and emotions. Find out the New you! The new and wonderful, liberated you!

Believe in yourself. Realize that you are capable of breaking the chains that bind you! You can become the person you truly want to be!

Become No. 1. Learn to become focused and centred on yourself. Find out what stresses you out and why.

Forgive and Forget. Forgive others for any hurt they may have caused you in your past. Youre not blameless. You too have hurt others and would like others to forgive

you right. Let go of any feelings of resentment you may harbour for others. Its only you youre hurting. Free yourself from those debilitating thoughts.

Visualizing the new you. See yourself as the person you always dreamed you could be. The more confident, happy and successful person you only envied in others. If you need to Fake it till you make it!. It WILL manifest if you continue visualizing this.

Again, there are many courses, self-help books, DVDS and audio CDS which can help you to overcome past unresolved issues, overcoming and dealing with inner conflicts. However there is no magical cure. It will take time before you start to resolve these issues and start seeing results. Once you do you will have a better way of coping and dealing with life. While change for some of us will occur merely by using self-help methods others may get more benefit from attending meeting groups, or seeing a therapist in the early stages. It is important to realize however that you can change and only you can do it, whichever method you choose to take to get you there. It all basically comes down to the same thing, changing your way of thinking and in turn feeling. Linda - Luvlife2day.com What is the right side?

My beautiful daughter Liberate youself from your Fears & Phobias. Fears and phobias are something which can have an effect on all of us to some extent. We all have things we try to avoid or are nervous in doing. Some fears are more dislikes than actually phobias. However, to some their fears are very real and very debilitating. Fears and phobias can be severely distressing and have a huge impact on peoples day-to-day lives. Holding them back from not only achieving success in life but in limiting them from achieving the basic things in life. This could be catching a bus, going shopping, flying or many other things that those without fears all take for granted every day.

Fear and phobias obviously cause negativity and constant negativity gets us down. While some phobias and fear can be deep-seeded you can break the hold it has over you with time and help. There are various methods of help, and the more deeply seeded the fear or phobia, the more likely professional help may be advised in the form of a therapy or hypnotherapy. If the fear is only mild then you may overcome it by using self-help methods.

A story from Zen Buddhism Two monks were walking along the banks of a river. They saw a young woman who was afraid to cross. Although the monks had taken vows never to touch a woman, the older monk picked her up and carried her to the other side of the river. The younger monk was angry about it all day. The two didn't speak until sunset, when they were allowed to break their vow of silence. Then the angry younger monk accused the older monk of polluting not only himself but also the whole order. The older monk simply answered, "I put the woman down on the other side of the river early this morning. It is only you who have been carrying her around throughout the day."

Commentary We have all had the experience of feeling inner conflict. Surely the younger monk felt a great deal of inner conflict in the above story, which he finally expressed. Maybe he wondered to himself, "Should I bring it up when we start to speak, or should I just try to forget about it?" The older monk makes the point that the younger monk has been "carrying her around throughout the day," meaning that the younger monk has been dwelling on his angry and accusatory thoughts about the woman all day long. The younger monk was in inner conflict. Did he need to be?

We all experience inner conflict. Sometimes it involves making a difficult choice. For instance, the cashier at the store gives you too much change. Do you tell her about it or do

you keep the money? Imagine you see your friend cheating on a test in class. Do you tell the teacher, or, out of loyalty to your friend, pretend you don't see?

Inner conflict arises when we must either choose between two conflicting loyalties (loyalty to friends versus loyalty to honesty) or choose to do the right thing when it is more comfortable not to. Either way, the best choice is not always obvious, and while we are in the process of making it, we experience inner conflict.

Some inner conflicts occur when we find ourselves having to choose between two desires one of a more selfish nature, the other of a more unselfish nature. You, for example, really want to go out with your friends, but your mother has asked you to take care of your little brother for the evening. It may be very hard to choose to do the unselfish thing. The reward is: you will probably feel a lot better about everything once you do choose to be unselfish. Some kind of good fortune and happiness will come your way because you did.

Inner conflict that comes when you did something wrong Sometimes we feel a sense of inner conflict because we did something that went against our consciences. Such inner upset can affect our emotional and physical health. If you realize that you made a bad movepossibly one that resulted in someone getting hurtthe best thing to do is to make up for it as soon as possible. That is the only way to resolve the pain of such inner conflict. An apology is always a great way to start.

Of course, it is not so easy to admit you have done something wrong. It may help to write out what you plan to say to the person who was hurt. "Jane, about the other day when we" You can practice it either in your mind or out loud so that when the moment comes, the You can also: 1. Admit your wrongdoing to a third person whom you trust and respect so that you can examine your action together. words will flow smoothly.

2. Be willing to learn from the pangs of guilt from your conscience and resolve next time to do the right thing. Our conscience is our inborn guide, our moral compass that tries to point us in the right direction. Our conscience will hurt if we have treated others unjustly or made bad choices. We should be thankful to have a sharp and active conscience. 3. Learn to apologize. In this, practice makes perfect. Admitting when you are wrong is not the end of the world and actually can turn out to be a very wonderful experience. 4. Be willing to do something to make it up to the offended personif possible, even more than what is required. 5. Forgive yourself and remind yourself that mistakes are part of life. Sadly, some people carry their guilt around with them for years, allowing it to destroy what could have been a happy life.

Example:

Mike

apologizes

and

makes

up

"I was really mad at my dad. He'd said I had an attitude and that if I didn't change it, I'd be in big trouble. I yelled at him then. I'm getting bigger now, and I don't have to take so much from him. I was steaming mad when I went up to my room. But then I started thinking about how I hadn't helped him with the car when he'd asked me to and just kept watching TV. Then when my mom asked me to help set the table, I put her off too. I could see by the looks on their faces that they had been upset. So I went downstairs and did what he wanted me to with the car and asked my mom if I could help her now. Then I said I was sorry. It made a big difference. All of a sudden, they were all smiles and they couldn't do enough for me!"

Inner conflict caused by someone who did something wrong to you At other times, we may experience inner conflict because someone has done something wrong to us. We might be the victim of some injustice, misunderstanding or betrayal. It's nearly impossible to go through life without people stepping on our toes, insulting us (sometimes not meaning to) or taking advantage of our trusting nature. No matter how much we may try to protect ourselves from the hurts and pains of life, they will happen at times.

If you are angry and resentful or thinking, "Why me?" you probably are taking energy away from other important areas of your life, such as achieving your goals in sports or academics or spending enjoyable time with your friends and family. Emotions like anger and resentment can be as corrosive as acid, hurting you far more than they hurt the other person. It's best to resolve these feelings as well as you can in order to experience inner peace rather than inner conflict.

Here are some tips for dealing with the experience of being treated unfairly: 1. Although it is painful, admit to yourself that something bad really DID happen. You are not making it up. Face the fact honestly that you were betrayed or hurt in some way. Remember, bad things sometimes happen to good people. Just because someone hurt or betrayed you doesn't mean you deserved it. 2. Tell someone you trust about the situation. Many times an older or wiser person can immediately say something to relieve some of our emotional distress. He or she can also sometimes give a comforting perspectivesimilar things have happened to others, and they endured. Also, that person can give some practical advice about the next step to take in trying to resolve the situation. 3. Write things out. Pretend you are a newspaper reporter and interview yourself on what happened. Use "who, what, when, where, how and why" questions and put it in non-emotional words. Then write out your feelings on another piece of paper. Be honest, clear, and describe your feelings as much as you can! 4. Ask for a meeting with the offender and try to explain your thoughts and feelings on the matter calmly. If necessary, ask for the presence of someone who won't take sidesto help clear up misunderstandings or difficulties as they arise in the course of the conversation. 5. Meditate or pray about the situation. Many people find that talking with God, or imagining a conversation with a loving parent, is a very helpful tool in resolving inner conflict, forgiving others, and coming to deeper insights about themselves and their relationships with others. 6. Forgive the one who hurt you, even if he or she cannot apologize. Maybe the person lies, cheats or has a weak-willed character. The fact is that he or she is creating his

or her own future through present responses to life's challenges, and you are creating yours. Your act of forgiveness may help both of you. None of us is perfect. We all make mistakes in our relationships with others, hurting those around us. If, in those times, we would wish to be forgiven, then we must be willing to forgive.

Inner peace The reward of resolving inner conflict is a sense of inner peace. By doing the right thing, making the right choices, making up for our harms, and forgiving those who harm us, we can feel lighter, more free, and happier. Isn't that worth the effort it takes to address and resolve the things that are bothering us?

Learning objectives Cognitive: Students will recognize being in a state of inner conflict and learn tools to deal with Affective: inner Students will want to resolve inner it. conflict. conflict.

Behavioral: Students will take the actions and adopt the attitudes necessary to resolve

Class Session I Ask students to place themselves in the shoes of the younger monk in "A Story from Zen Buddhism." How do students think the younger monk felt all day? Was he boiling in resentment and accusation? Do students think he was able to be a good monk that day? Was he able to enjoy the beauty of the river, the loveliness of nature? He probably couldn't wait until sunset when they could break their vow of silence so that he could let out his feelings toward the older monk.

Ask students to recall the last time they felt full of resentment and accusation toward

someone. What was their experience that day? Did other things also seem to go wrong? We think we can hide our feelings from others, but actually, we can't. People can usually sense when we are full of accusation or inner conflict. They feel it. And they usually do not respond positively. A person may be angry at his mother and find himself then getting into arguments with friends, store clerks, pizza delivery boys, and all kinds of people. He is acting out the conflict in his heart, and people are reacting to it.

Body language reveals conflict Experts say that only 7% of communication is in words. That means 93% of communication is in "body language"! So, if a person is experiencing inner conflict, he or she will probably communicate it to others and make them uncomfortable. For instance, a real smile uses lots of face muscles. The skin around the eyes crinkles, the nose may wrinkle up too. If the smile is only coming from the mouth muscles, it is probably faked. All of us know these things without talking about them and without being taught about them. We "sense" if someone genuinely likes us or is happy to see us or not.

We also sense it if someone is trying to fool us. People who are not being honest with us may shrug, touch their faces with their hands, or play with things. They may not concentrate on the conversation, they may repeat themselves or add sounds like "Uh," or "Um." They may only give short answers to questions or only give short explanations. Meeting people's eyes when they ask you questions or talk to you is generally considered a sign of openness and honesty. Shifting your gaze away is often interpreted as dishonesty. The monks couldn't talk to each other because they had a religious vow of silence until sunset. Ask for volunteers to act out (pantomime) their body language toward each other after the incident with the woman. Have volunteers role play them just after the incident with the woman, eating lunch together, and continuing on their journey in silence. A good reason to resolve inner conflict is to enjoy inner peace and so that our relationships with others can be happier and freer, since our inner conflict will be communicated to

others

even

if

we

try

to

hide

it.

As the chapter points out, inner conflict sometimes needs to be resolved by making a choice. Making choices is not always easy. Sometimes you make the right choice inside, but then it is hard to follow through and actually do the right thing. In this exercise, they are going to practice making choices and showing them through their actions.

The "Choose Well" game Divide the class into pairs. Have the pairs move their desks close to one another. One person in a pair is a "Number One" and the other person in the pair is a "Number Two." All the Number Ones are on the same team, and all the Number Twos are on the same team, even though they are paired up with members of the other team.

Tell them you are going to read some choices that teenagers made to them. Each pair will have a turn to stand up and respond to a situation. When you read the choice to them, if it is a good choice, they are to remain standing. If it is a bad choice, they are to sit down. The first Number One or Number Two to get the answer right wins a point for his or her team. At Choices 1. Loretta's mom asked her to do the dishes. Loretta decided to do them after her favorite TV shows. 2. Sam said he'd take his younger brother to the park to shoot baskets, but suddenly Ryan, a cool kid from school, says he wants to meet Sam in the park. Sam tells Ryan he'll meet him, but that he has to take care of his younger brother too. 3. Calvin was late getting home. He sneaked into the house through a back door or window and hid in his room, pretending he'd been there for a long time. 4. Alice told Mary not to tell anyone that she had a crush on Dave. Mary promises. Then, after school, Mary decides she'll just tell Christie. the end, the team with the most points wins!

5. Mike got into his dad's car just to play around. A sharp instrument from art class in Mike's pocket made a puncture hole in the seat. Mike tells his dad what happened. 6. Melissa borrowed two dollars from Cathy last week and didn't repay it. Cathy could use the money, but she decided not to say anything. 7. Fred asks Chris if he can copy his math homework because he didn't have time to do his. Chris says no. 8. The video Peter picked to watch at his house has a rating on it that Brian's parents have told him he can't watch. Brian says, "I don't want to watch that one. I'll see you later," and leaves Peter's house. 9. Gary was playing hardball with his brother in their front yard. The ball goes out of control and dents a neighbor's car. Gary tells his brother, "Let's go inside. They'll never know who did it." 10. Susan saw Candy copying from a crib sheet on the test. Even though Candy is her good friend, Susan tells the teacher. "It's for Candy's own good," Susan tells herself. Class Session II Questions for reflection 1. In the story of the two monks, why did the younger monk accuse the older one? What does his accusation say about him?

2.

What

are

the

root

causes

of

inner

conflict?

3. How can we resolve inner conflict when we struggle with a choice between two loyalties?

4. How can we resolve inner conflict when we struggle with a choice between right and wrong?

5. How can we resolve inner conflict when we struggle with a choice between our selfish and

our

unselfish

natures?

6. Think of a time when you hurt someone. How could you have applied the 5 points in the text to that situation?

7. Think of a time when someone hurt you. How could you have applied the 6 points in the text to that situation?

8.

Were

you

ever

able

to

forgive

someone

who

hurt

you?

Tell

about

it.

9. Do you still hold grudges against someone who hurt you in the past? Who and why?

10.

Why

is

it

difficult

for

us

to

apologize

when

we

do

something

wrong?

Quiz: How forgiving are you? Ask students to take out a sheet of paper. You will read them some choices, and they will write down the letter of the choice they think is best. Then they will score themselves. 1. An old lady is getting on the bus. She's taking forever. You need to get to the movies in the a. b. d. next Say, Get Shrug up it ten minutes "Hey, and off. we offer You'll or the don't to be lines help old will her be all up yourself too long. the one You: here!" steps. day. have night

c. Sit and fume, grumbling about old people the whole way to the movie theatre.

2. You found out that one of your friends told another friend that you were "immature at

times." b. friend

Your

friend

says,

"I'm

sorry.

shouldn't

have being

said

that."

You:

a. Say, "That's all right," but decide to stay away from that friend from now on. Say, behind "Talk his about or immature!" her back. c. Pretend everything is all right, but at the first opportunity, say something bad about that d. Forget about it. You are immature at times. That's why people like you! 3. a. b. c. in For Answer Answer Answer Answer For Answer Answer Answer Answer For Answer Answer Answer Answer a: b: c: d: a: b: c: d: number 2 1 3 4 a: b: c: d: number 3 2 1 4 The Tell Ask Do basketball your your nothing: ref dad "The the number 1 3 2 4 made coach to ref a to beat is bad call question up always on you. the the You: call. ref. right." end. 1: point points points points 2: points points point points 3: points point points points

d. Figure there are bad calls for every player and every team and it all comes out pretty fair

10-12 pointsYou are a forgiving person. You like to give others the benefit of the doubt.

You can handle conflict pretty well. You probably feel pretty peaceful inside most of the time. 8-10 pointsYou assert yourself and take action when things aren't going your way, but you usually try to do it in a decent way. You're forgiving, but you don't let people get away with everything either.

4-7 pointsYour life must have more conflict in it than you would like, because you aren't very forgiving. You'd rather confront someone than work it out. You need to work on being less confrontational.

3 pointsYou must spend almost all your time in a stew. You don't see other people in a very positive way. Try to calm down and think about good reasons why people might do the things they do. Remember your own mistakes. You make mistakes too!

Transforming Inner Conflict Dekyi-Lee Oldershaw 2004 You have the opportunity for a great new job, but it would mean moving from the home that you love. You see yourself as an honest person, but you just told a friend you were busy, even though youre not. You are feeling an inner battle between two different aspects of yourself.Our lives are full of situations like this: choosing between two options, both of which have pros and cons; relating to people when you have mixed feelings; accepting contradictory qualities within ourselves. Trying to resolve these issues can cause us a lot of stress and worry and can sometimes even make us ill. When we dont know how to deal with this kind of internal confusion, we often see ourselves as being indecisive or incompetent, and make any number of negative judgments about ourselves - then we feel even worse. The reality is that these kinds of situations occur all the time and are part of our lives. Often when we experience them, we

tend to see things as black and white, good or bad, yes or no, which limits our options, and locks us into either/or choices. However, it is possible to recognize the many shades of gray that exist in most situations and expand our perceptions, so that we can make choices, resolve issues, and accept ourselves in a calm, confident and non-judgmental way. It is simply a case of developing new skills which allow us to look at several sides of an issue , at new options and at different ways of looking at ourselves. This in turn can lead to more self-confidence, more creativity, and greater acceptance of ourselves and others. The exercise below helps you to develop new possibilities for dealing with inner conflict. Although it is very easy, simple and fun to do, it can have a profound effect. Over time it can help you to experience greater understanding and compassion, both for yourself and others. The ability to resolve one issue tends to expand to address other and deeper issues, so that you find yourself more and more able to deal with the inevitable conflicts that life presents. Another benefit that you can experience is the sense of integration as you recognize how apparently separate qualities and ideas are actually connected. This in turn generates a greater and greater sense of peace. As you become familiar with the exercise you will find you no longer need to read these instructions, and eventually you may choose not to document or draw the experience. You may even find yourself wanting to share the exercise with others - even children can do it! So relax, sit back and enjoy the exercise. Transforming Inner Conflict Integration Exercise Purpose: This exercise will help you when you are experiencing stress, tension or even illness from conflicting thoughts, life options or inner aspects of yourself that are blocking forward movement or inner peace. It can help you find relief or solutions easily and quickly. How it works:

When you look at only two sides of an issue or situation, it tends to lead to a win-lose

choice. However, when you can explore a variety of aspects, you can make a peaceful decision which integrates desirable elements of both sides. Instructions: You can read these instructions as you go along, or better still, read them onto a tape or have someone else read them. After doing it a few times, you will not need the instructions. 1. Set up crayons, pastels or paint and three sheets of paper. 2. Sit comfortably and gently relax yourself by focusing on your breath and breathe deeply into your belly. Do this five times, letting go of any busy thoughts or distractions. Let yourself be here doing this now. Now gently focus on breathing normally. 3. Silently ask yourself to identify the most important area in your life where you feel inner conflict. Reflect on a situation where there is conflict, contradiction or confusion. Identify the two opposite, disharmonious viewpoints, options or aspects of yourself. 4. Now take a deep breath and focus on just one of these viewpoints. Recall your feelings about it. What is comfortable and uncomfortable about this option? What are the benefits of this option? What are the disadvantages of this option? Let this viewpoint or feeling show itself to you as a colour, shape or image. Does it have anything to say to you, any words? What is the main feeling that comes with it? When you are ready, sit up and draw any colours, images, words that you sensed. If there were none, using your intuition, simply pick up colours and begin to draw shapes. Put the feeling you had into colour. Sometimes more information will come to you as you document this. Once you finish, think of one or two words to express the feeling around this option and write the word or words down. (For example, Angry.) Next, if you could label this option what would that be? Write that down. (For example, Quit my job.) As you look at the drawing and words, identify what the different parts of the drawing mean to you. 5. Now relax back again. Breathe deeply and thank that last image. As you breathe in once more, let it go and bring yourself to stillness again by imagining a blank inner screen.

6. Breathe again and let your focus now go to the other viewpoint, or option. Recall what it feels like. Is it comfortable or uncomfortable? What are the pros and cons of this option? If it were a colour, shape or image, what would that be? Let it show itself to you. What does it have to say? When you are ready, again sit up and draw any colours, images, words that you sensed. If there were none, let your intuition decide on colours and begin to draw shapes. Put the feeling into a colour or colours. Once you finish, again think of one or two words to express the feeling around this option and write the word or words down. Next, if you could label this option what would that be? (For example, Freedom) Write that down. As you look at the drawing and words, identify what the different parts of the drawing mean to you. 7. Compare the two drawings. Lay the two pages in front of you and notice the difference parts of the drawings, colours and words. What seems different? What is similar? 8. Integration Steps:

Now relax back again and resettle. Breathe deeply and let both images go. As you breathe again, bring yourself to stillness by visualizing a blank inner screen. Now let your mind open and feel your willingness to allow these two images to mix or join together to create a new or different image or feeling. Ask for help to create something that is more beneficial to you at this time. Ask for help from your personal spiritual source, the wisdom within you, or your spiritual guide. What would be worthwhile to keep from the original two options, and what needs to be left behind? Take your time and see what colors and images are there now. What feelings are there now? Are there any sounds or words? Does it have anything to say to you? Ask how this is beneficial and helpful. When you are ready, document or create a new drawing based on whatever you have experienced, or as an alternative, look at the two previous drawings and combine them in

some way into one drawing, or into words, or both. Just let your intuition tell you what to do, one step at a time. Write one or two words that express the feeling of this integrated image or words. What would you label or call this final option? Write that down. 9. Once this documentation is done, lay the three pages down and reflect on the feeling of the third drawing. What elements were retained and what elements were discarded from the first two drawings? How does this third drawing feel? What have you learned about yourself? Are there any insights from this drawing which suggest how to move forward in this life situation or issue, or how to express the new internal feeling associated with it? How might you express this third new quality and put it into action? When you observe how you labeled or named each option, what have you learned about your perspective of each? Consider how you labeled it and how that affected your response or reaction. Notice how impermanent or illusory the initial labeling of the problem may have been. 10. Is there any action you can now take based on your new awareness? Commit to doing this now. 11. Allow a few days to integrate this physically, emotionally and mentally. Just stay open, gently allowing any feelings that result from this shift of perspective to arise and move on. Sometimes there may be emotional ups and downs as it integrates and changes how you feel. Just let this be okay. Sometimes holding this conflict and tension in the body then letting go can have the effect of physically detoxifying: runny nose, sweating, crying or diarrhea. Drinking water helps to ease this process. Dealing with Internal Conflict

by Carmen Marie on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2010 | 4 Comments Have you ever heard a little voice inside of you saying something is wrong? You may not know exactly what it is, but you have a sick feeling in your stomach that something is just not right and you have to deal with it otherwise you will lose your sanity. You need to speak up about it, but for some reason you dont or you cant. The emotion builds up inside of you and you risk exploding or imploding very soon. Internal conflict can cause a lot of damage when it is not dealt with. Usually, the internal conflict will happen when facts conflict with your core values. Sometimes, these emotions happen in the subconscious, so youre not even aware of the internal fight. The body will then externalize the turmoil through physical symptoms, illness and anxiety. You can create internal conflict when:

You are in denial about an issue. This is subconscious and difficult to bring to surface. You make a conscious decision to ignore the facts and to deny. You understand the facts, you do not ignore them but your decide not to talk for fear of getting hurt. You understand the facts, you do not ignore them and you decide not to talk for other reasons like spite, envy, vengence.

In either one of these cases, some symptoms will appear indicating that something inside is just not right. Whether you are conscious of the conflict or not, the best way to try to deal with it is to write. Some cases may require additional help from a professional. Psychologists and Psychiatrists may also recommend writing for therapy. Of course, writing isnt for everyone, but in this case, you do not need to write litterary masterpieces. You simply have to externalize thoughts. The more you write, the more thoughts will come out. If you dont know what to write, go for something like: I dont know what to write, bla-blabla, this is boring, I have no idea why I am doing this maybe later etc and try to continue your thoughts, even if then seem empty, until you catch a relevant topic that you can elaborate on. Watch out for new and unexpected thoughts. These might come out as a surprise and give you insight on what is happening inside. Open your eyes and your heart to listen to what the pen will tell you (or rather what your hand wants you to read).

This exercise may feel funny at first but it truly helps. I think it is very helpful when you are going through mild depression or anxiety and you want to find out whats going on inside of you. Writing is always great therapy. ntroduction: We CAN resolve major Inner conflicts Desire-conflicts reduce life-satisfaction When our desires are clear and coherent, we are free to assess personal and environmental resources, craft a plan of action for satisfying our desires, and act to achieve satisfaction. Regrettably, that essential initial clarity of desires is not always present, with the result that we are too often unable to act to make ourselves happy. Beyond the problem of having clear desires is that of having well-integrated desires, for if our desires are in essential conflict, or if we are in conflict with ourselves about these desires, we will also often be unable to get to the point of acting on our own behalf. The conflict problem is more critical than the lack of clarity problem. Its also usually more complex. Consider this example, about a rather minor concern: the problem of getting enough brownies (for some of us, this might be a genuine problem!). Suppose we want to eat more brownies, but also want to eat a healthy diet and lose some weight. These desires are in obvious conflict. This conflict could be resolved relatively easily (if we know how), but suppose further that we grew up with a parent who routinely shamed or otherwise punished us when we sought out for ourselves the simple pleasures of life. We may well have learned from this parent that its BAD to want something for ourselves, and thus have not only a conflict BETWEEN our desires, but also a conflict ABOUT our desires. This is a truly challenging problem, and will typically lead to serious internal stress. It may also lead to self-sabotage, self-medication, depression, or existential paralysis (i.e., we become simply unable to act).

Desire-conflicts can lead to lack of awareness We do not typically have full awareness of our desires. Desires about which we are conflicted often get pushed out of our awareness, because of the distress caused by the conflict. Yet, this only submerges the conflict. Subconscious conflict between desires and about desires can still act to block our becoming more self-aware1, with the result that the clarity wed like simply cannot be achieved. It thus makes sense to focus on resolving inner conflicts, as a first priority, when we seek to improve the level of satisfaction we have in our lives. Good consequences arise from resolving this inner conflict Increasing our consciousness of our desires, whether or not they are in conflict, or we are conflicted simply about having them, is a useful part of a larger process in which we can become more clear about what we truly want, as a preliminary step to setting out to satisfy our desires. I describe here a clinically proved process for exposing and resolving inner conflict about desires,a process which typically has these beneficial outcomes:

Our overall stress level will be reduced. Confusion about our desires, in the area on which we focus, will cease to be a problem. We will be able to move much more gracefully from wanting to acting, with the result that we will learn more, and our life will come to feel more satisfying to us. We will become more self-approving.

Persisting desire-conflicts often develop from poor parenting Good parenting promotes development of good self-regulation For well over a decade, modern developmental psychology and neurophysiology has been looking at various aspects of early brain development in relation a young childs social environment and later psychological health. The results of this exploration has been profound.

It has become obvious that healthy brain development requires a healthy social environment. Specifically, this means having parents or caretakers who provide adequate help in managing the feelings of the young child, and in assisting them to learn to selfmanage their own feelings. Babies are born with essentially adult feelings, already hardwired. They are NOT born with all the skills they need to manage those feelings. For that they are dependent upon their caretakers. The central task to be learned by the young, developing brain, in relation to these feelings, is how to calm things down when theres too much excitement or disturbance in the brain. If this calming does not occur, and excess levels of disturbance are too frequent or long-enduring, normal cognitive develop well may be seriously impeded. A health-promoting caretaker provides two things essential to the healthy emotional development of a baby and young child: 1. A calming influence for them when they become upset. The long-term effect of this will be a gradual learning to self-soothe. 2. A minimum of unnecessarily upsetting feelings directed toward them. This has the effect of minimizing unnecessary stress, leaving them to learn to deal with essential stresses appropriate to their developmental age. Poor parenting promotes development of enduring inner-conflicts Many serious things can happen to a childs developing brain as a consequence of an insufficiency of calming influences, or an excess of inappropriate upsetting feelings deriving from interaction with caretakers. One of these serious outcomes enduring internal conflict about personal desires can arise when a parent is such a noxious influence that the baby/child benefits learns to isolate themselves from their parent. In such a situation, most children learn to imagine how a parent will react to them in critical situations, so that before the parent actually has a chance to produce this reaction the young child can see them coming, in their mind. In essence, the baby/child learns to create a simulation of their parent, so that they can acquire a kind of protective (and adaptive) self-control. By reacting to the imagined

consequence they can avoid encountering the real consequence of contact with a noxious parent. This is much like an adult who learns to resist the urge to drive fast, in those situations where they can anticipate that the police may be watching for speeders. Contact with the internal cop allows the driver to avoid the external cop, and the driver does NOT get a ticket. When a child does this with a noxious parent it is a very clever accomplishment, howsoever true it is that this development is never intentional or even conscious. Little brains simply do this sort of thing as part of their learning to navigate in their world. Its part of their natural struggle to survive and to thrive. This adaptational cleverness has a cost, of course. Not only is this kind of internal selfcontrol potentially destructive, it also is likely to be continued long past the time when the parents direct influence on the child has ceased. Psychotherapists call a constructed, internal parent-simulation of this sort a parental introject6. Getting rid of this introject can be a critical step toward growing a healthier sense of self and a becoming happy with ones life. But the task is often not easy, and is usually well beyond the capability of an individual working alone and without having advanced knowledge of personality dynamics, psychopathology, and psychotherapy. This document describes a process by which someone in psychotherapy can work productively with themselves between sessions, relative to this problem of having a toxic parent-introject. This process is also useful for simpler things, such as working out an internal conflict between internal points of view which are entirely ones own, such as a conflict between the desire to lose weight AND to eat delicious deserts. Destructive parent introjects will interfere with good adult self-care Healthy parents foster their childs discovery of their own, developing nature, accepting it and helping their child to celebrate it as it emerges. A child with such a parent typically learns to listen well to their own inner desires, and thus learns to steer their life by a true map, as it were7.

Unhealthy parents foster the childs expressing a nature the parent finds acceptable, irrespective of the childs actual nature. Such a parent may be overly directive, or hypercritical, or ignoring, among other things. A child with such a parent typically learns to be inappropriately attention to their parent, and will come to ignore themselves inappropriately as well, and thus learning to steer their life by a map of the desires of someone elses mind, not a map which describes their own desires, responses, feelings, and thoughts. When ones parent introject is supportive and approving, there will be no problem deriving from it. When ones parent introject is not supportive is ignoring or critical or harsh, and so on, happiness is not possible. It isnt really on the map. The simpler parts of our personality those which experience and manage our most basic feelings are the first to appear, as we develop. They are childlike which is to say full of feeling, not very clever, capable of generating great joy and delight, and very vulnerable. When we are small, they need the supportive, calming influence of a healthy parent. When we are adult, these same parts need us to manage them exactly as a healthy parent would manage a cherished child. We must be our own healthy parent, to become a successful adult. However, if we are still carrying around an unhealthy parent introject created in our brain when we were just a child, this healthy self-parenting will surely be difficult, and may simply be impossible. Internal dialogs The reality and benefit of internal dialogs within our personality There is considerable evidence that our personalities are organized not as a unitary, single whole, but rather as a network of parts something like an internal family. This modular organization of our personality mimics the organic modularity of our physical brain, and both brain and personality experience the same benefits from modular organization:

efficiency Only one part of the brain or personality need be active at any one time. specialization Individual parts can function as experts in solving certain kinds of problems.

diversity To the degree that different parts of the brain and personality see the world in different ways, the likelihood that some part will actually have a decent grip on reality at any point in time will increase. When the brain/personality functions more as a committee and less as an solitary autocrat, better decisions get made.

While the concept of internal dialogs between the parts of our personality is an advanced concept in the realm of neuropsychology and neurophysiology, it is at the same time mere common sense to most people. Weve all experienced internal arguments or conflicts. We may refer to these as simple cant make up my mind episodes, but a deeper investigation will often reveal that we have in our mind distinct part-personalities, which communicate with each other but not always well or to good effect. Becoming aware of these internal dialogs can be an extremely productive activity in, and outside of, psychotherapy. Some of our personality parts are younger than others, because they developed at an earlier stage in our development. With some people, the existence of these parts is rather obvious. When they shift from one part to another, one can notice a change in their voice and body language. With many other people, the change is more subtle, and one must look carefully to see it. There is also considerable evidence that these internal personality parts converse, as it were, with each other. This most typically happens below the level of consciousness. Regrettably, these conversations do not always go well just like a parent with an upset child who finds that sometimes talking is impossible! Communication breaks down, and dysfunction can quickly emerge. Since the parts of our personality are united by common interests, and a common core personality, there is an inherent motivation NOT to be in conflict, when possible. Therefore, if we can offer overt support for safe, constructive inner dialog, the outcome will most often be quite productive8. Becoming aware of previously unconscious internal dialogs This is actually rather easy to do, if one goes about it in the right way. One begins with something that arouses feeling, and about which one has two or more points of view. Note

that we cannot always know in advance that we actually have an internal conflict about something. Sometimes we simply look at something to see if this is the case. In any case, it is worth pointing out that our internal dialogs are almost always conducted mostly outside of our full awareness. Usually, thats a good thing, but when we need to resolve internal conflict, it isnt at all beneficial. It is more useful then to bring the dialog into awareness. How to select and describe a problem, then activate, manage, record, and conclude a deliberate internal dialog I will now describe the process of resolving an internal conflict. You are well advised to carefully read through the remainder of this article before attempting actually to DO anything, so that you have an accurate overview of the process, including the accountability part of it. Only then are you likely to be satisfied with the results you obtain. Why this process is likely to work for you A number of factors will be working to produce success when we use the process described below, including:

structured procedure A planned, carefully thought out, and experientiallyvalidated procedure will act to keep us on track and moving forward as quickly as possible. Its steps have a sound rationale, and theyve proven successful with many people.

deliberation We will slow down the internal dialog process, which will help us to become much more aware of whats happening. openness We will simply allow the dialog to develop, without steering it. We simply will admit at the beginning that we do not and cannot know exactly what will occur. The exploration of our internal process is what will help us get to a conflict resolution.

careful examination of results We will carefully look at what this process produces. This will foster not only a growth of self-knowledge, but also an increase in awareness, coupled with a reduction or elimination of internal conflict. One likely effect of this is that well be more open to future explorations of this kind, and less fearful of what might happen if we honestly look at ourselves.

accountability This is about making results visible, especially relative to one or more planned outcome goals. Two kinds of accountability will be suggested. Both have benefits.

social facilitation This is the name given to sociologists to the fact that when we know we are being watched our behavior changes. It is known that in social situations people eat more, engage in less illegal behavior, and will attend keep promises more reliably. We are interested here in utilizing the last effect.

Selecting and describing a problem Choose something that matters What matters? Anything about which we have significant feelings will qualify. That we have such feelings indicates that something of value to us is involved. Many people suffer from inadequate self-respect, often referred to as poor self-esteem. Invariably, at the heart of such a problem is a failure to value ones automatic reactions to the elements of ones life. In contrast, someone with high self-esteem will not feel a need to ignore, much less justify, these reactions. They will merely note what matters to them, and be respectful of that. Paying attention to yourself in this way sounds simple, and it can be, but for those who do not have the skill well in hand, it can be distinctly challenging. Practicing this skill will make it less difficult. Be assured that simply engaging in the inner-conflict resolution process described here will virtually always lead to increases in habitual positive self-attention and constructive response. As you start to get the process to work for you, youll find it increasingly easier, and youll want to repeat it because of the positive results it produces including increased self-esteem. So, we begin with something about which we have feelings, and those feelings typically will be troubling. That last fact will provide us with motivation for working through this internal conflict process.

An example: Wasted weekends I will propose an illustrative example, and use it to illustrate the steps of this process. This will help to clarify how actually to do the process. To clearly separate the example from the main text, I will present it in italic green font Suppose that we have developed a concern about how we spend our weekends. Beginning a weekend, we often want simply to rest and recover. Exiting the weekend and entering into the work week, were often remorseful about not having made better use of the weekend. This problem has been with us a long time, and were tired of feeling frustrated by it. This problem meets the criteria for selection given above: we experience a conflict, and significant negative feelings are involved, so that we see that the matter is of real consequence. Problem description a critical step Nothing dooms a life-change effort quite so completely as working on the wrong problem2. For example, if a health care professional does this mis-diagnoses the problem theyre trying to treat the excellence of the healing methods they introduce will matter little, for the problem being addressed is not the real problem. The result? Most likely it will be a treatment failure. We must get the problem correctly-grasped, as closely as we can. While there is no sure and certain method for doing this, there are some approaches that seem to work well in most cases. Once you have some idea of the problem you want to resolve, try the following, to achieve a better description of the real problem: 1. Describe carefully how you become aware of the problem, in course of your daily life.
o

Describe the physical context of your emerging awareness. Describe, preferably in writing, some examples of this becoming aware. ((In our example, the problem arises soon after the weekend is over, or as it is ending. Were at home, or sometimes at work the next morning.) Describe the internal sequence of events which lead to your awareness. Again, briefly describe, in writing if possible, some examples. ((In our example, were reflecting on the weekend, rerunning the tape, as it were.)

Describe what youre thinking, saying to yourself, or seeing in your mind right before you become aware of the problem. Notice as closely as you can the stimulus for your awareness that you have a problem. ((In our example, most often its a thought that its over, time has run out which arises late Sunday night. At that precise point, we start to feel bad and our problem-awareness emerges.)

2. Assume, just for a moment, that the heart of all problems is in fact undesirable feelings about something. (Its hard to imagine calling something a problem if we didnt have bad feelings about it, somehow.) Lets take a moment to explore those feelings.
o

Write down what you feel at the moment you become aware of the problem. Because this material is very important and slips out of our awareness easily, capture it in writing. ((In our example, the feelings that emerge are disappointment, sadness, and a little anger.) You may find it valuable to try to refine your feelings-description by reframing it in terms of the known basic human feelings (which I have described elsewhere3). While it may take a little time to do this, its worth it, since change in these feelings will be how we assess the results of any actionplan we implement. Reducing our initial feelings-description to fundamental feelings can be challenging, and having an expert to work with can be quite helpful. ((In our example, disappointment is just a form of the basic feeling called distress, and we feel it both about the situation and ourselves. Weve momentarily lost hope. Sadness is just another angle on the same thing a sense of loss, and our involuntary reaction to it. This, too, is distress. This reframing actually leads to a breakthrough of sorts: since distress is the involuntary reaction of our brain to loss, if we can do something to stay hopeful and optimistic these feelings will not occur. Its apparent that were already beginning to move toward the elements of an action plan for change.)

Moving closer to our distress: Drafting an action plan Were not focusing on developing an action plan, here, because it would be foolish to do so when were in a state of internal conflict and cannot decide on a goal. Still, beginning to draft one can be a useful means of better understanding what really triggers our conflict,

and THAT can be quite useful to us. Sowe will start an action plan draft, with no intention of finishing it right now. The most important thing to know before starting this step is that you will doing a lot of revisions. This is necessary because youll be learning a lot that you didnt previously know, as you go forward, and it will necessitate plan revisions. In addition, your early versions of the plan will be incomplete, so as you become less conflicted and more aware of your dominant desire, youll be able to write in more and more specifics. Finally, remember that our immediate goal is not to come up with a plan to implement, but to get closer to our internal conflict. When thats under control will be the time to return to the plan and finish it. 1. Imagine an ideal solution to your problem. Assume that you are in the situation where you usually realize you HAVE a problem, but this time theres no problem at all. Everythings fine. Look at this no-problem fantasy.
o

Describe, in writing, what happens, in your imagination. When people make a movie, they write out a scenario, which is a little story detailing what happens in the movie. You need to do the same for your ideal solution write a scenario. Its important to realize that all scenarios are developed incrementally they go through a series of drafts. Its entirely appropriate to initially have a very rough draft of your scenario. Youll keep working on it, and it will get better, and more useful. Initially, the important thing is simply to get something down in writing, so you think about it and revise it. What youre visualizing is not an action plan, but a situation which youd like to make real by implementation of an action plan. To GET to this situation will be your goal. ((In our example, heres the initial draft scenario for success: We start our weekend happy and hopeful. We do something different with our weekend we dont yet have clear what this is, but that problems for later. We get to the end of the weekend, look back, and feel quietly satisfied. Its been a good weekend. Were ready to go back to work.)

2. Now, starting with your present situation, list out a series incremental steps you might take to make your goal real. Consider what other people might have done to

achieve similar goals. Break things down into sub-goals, and assemble them into a sequence. This will be your rough-draft action plan. 3. Review your rough draft plan. Is it entirely satisfactory? At the end of plan execution, can you reasonably expect to be satisfied in all the ways you want to be? If not, revise the plan. When you feel comfortable with it, remind yourself that later revisions will be expected and necessary. Its a work-in-progress, and thats a good thing. Personal check-in: are we in conflict yet? Now, were at a critical point. IF you are having no internal conflict at this point, you can simply go forward with a more thoughtful process of locating, evaluating, and selecting possible elements of your action plan. You should adopt a brainstorming approach, and begin by coming up with as large a list as possible of possible action steps which might lead to accomplishment of your goal. Then, once again, arrange the steps in a reasonable sequence, build in some process-check mileposts4, and go forward to the completion of the plan, at which point you can evaluate your results. In our example, we found a problem that was real and important. We decided that we wanted to resolve it, by developing some kind of plan of action, executing that plan, and achieving some real and undeniable success. What kind of success? A meaningful improvement in how we feel when the weekend is over. The problem, as I have described, has these notable qualities

Resolution of the problem will be evaluated at the end of the resolution effort implementation of the action plan. Trying doesnt count; only results count. The desired change is well-specified: we want to feel better. How we feel about something is not hard to assess, as we will see. With a different problem, the desired change might be better described in terms of increasing or decreasing some specified behavior such as spending more time with ones children.

If you find that you can just move forward with developing your action plan, you dont have an internal conflict problem. But, since you already know the conflict exists, then at some point youll start to feel your internal conflict. This conflict is what stops you from simply

getting on with crafting and executing the action plan, and so we must give it attention. Its time to dance with the devil, as it were. How might we do that? Embracing the distress: Managing and recording the internal dialog Viewing our internal conflict in a more productive light We know that the internal conflict between two or more parts of our personality comes up with its stimulated, or triggered. It can be a little hard to clearly see what triggers the conflict, but it tends to become rather clear if we pause to look at it. What we want to do here is activate the conflict, then take the ride. What I will describe is a process for productively doing just that. In our example, we discover that were comfortable until we get to the point of actually specifying the list of possible activities we might engage in, during a weekend, which would result in our feeling satisfied when our weekend is over. At this point, something starts changing inside us. We start some kind of invisible squirming. Were distinctly uncomfortable. The devil has been called out. This is exactly what we want right now. At the point you begin to feel uncomfortable, you are likely to want to respond as you have learned to do in the past. Some people distract themselves, or self-medicate in some way5, or engage in some kind of denial-thinking. This is all an attempt to get rid of the discomfort. We learn these responses out of desperation, when we are young. We really cannot do any better. But doing better now, as an adult, is the whole point of this process. Its designed to achieve success, as you will see. So, when you begin to feel uncomfortable, celebrate. This is GOOD. Why would I say this? The answer isnt obvious. Here it is: Denying or avoiding internal conflict will not make it cease; it just pushes it out of our awareness, for a time. The conflict WILL return; you can count on it. The solution is to bring the conflict out into a safe public space, and then to work with it in a way that leads to resolution. The first step in this process is to trigger the conflict, then NOT to turn away. Taking the ride by bringing the internal dialog into the room When, as a psychotherapy client, youre working with your therapist, you have a coach, a director for the internal drama. This is very, very helpful, especially when an internal

dialog gets complicated. However, what we will be doing here is teaching you to be your own coach. Its entirely possible, and youll most likely like the outcome. What well do next is encourage each part of the internal dialog to take the floor and express itself fully. Well be tracking the dialog by writing it down, so that we dont need to rely upon memory when we want to review what happened. Writing will also slow the deepen the process, which will allow it to work more effectively. When we allow adequate room for each part of us to express itself, the action paralysis that tends to characterize internal conflicts where some part of the dialog is stifled tends to dissolve. The first time one sees this happen, it can be surprising, because its a genuinely new event. So, its time to move out of the paralysis of silence, and let the voices of our internal conflictdialog speak to each other, and to our own full awareness, probably for the first time ever. The outcome will be something entirely new, never before seen. Do this, to get started: 1. Make a space to work Youll need to have some time, and a good environment. You need not to be interrupted. Just about any quiet space will do. Youre only going to be writing, and that can occur many places. The time needed will be modest. These internal dialogs, when actively supported, do not tend to go on for long. THAT happens when they are NOT actively supported, and thats what were trying to change. 2. Obtain journaling tools This need only be a sheet of paper and something with which to write. A spiral notebook is even better, since youll likely using this process multiple times, and keeping your records straight has real benefits. Recording voices in writing not only slows things down, internally, it dramatically elevates our selfawareness. 3. Trigger the conflict Bring to mind what you know starts your discomfort. Focus on it while your sense of your conflict rises. 4. Become quiet, and listen Your reaction, as its triggered, will have a point of view. Notice this. A voice is emerging, and youre going to listen to it. 5. Allow the active point of view to speak, and record what it says Your job is just to listen and and write. Dont worry about anything else. Youll find that the

inner voice to which youre listening will speak for a time, then fall silent. At that point, its expressed itself, and has nothing more to say for now. Quickly note the apparent character of the voice youve recorded, and give it a simple working name. Here are some names that people Ive known have used: Scared kid, Mr. Cynic, Grouchy, Eager beaver, and so on. Colorful names are good, as they will help to well identify the part of you thats expressing itself at the moment. I find that its helpful to write down this casual name once, then follow it with a working abbreviation. So, for example, Mr. Cynic might be abbreviated by MC or Cyn.. Beyond this point, every time this voice speaks, if it speaks again, it can be identified with this abbreviation. 6. Wait for the next point of view, or voice, to emerge, then record it as well You simply want to continue to be a good reporter, nothing more. Typically, when one voice expresses itself fully, another will jump up with a contrasting viewpoint. Perhaps after several exchanges, a third or even fourth voice will speak up. Just be open to whatever happens. A good listener will notice that sometimes a voice will begin to emerge simply as a feeling. Notice that much, and put the feeling into words, and the voice will often become quite clear. Just stay with this process until there are no more voices. Concluding the dialog Be cautious about assuming the dialog is over. Look again at the situation which gives rise to the conflict. Look at each of the voices you have written down. Are they truly silent, now? When no voices (points of view) emerge to speak, youre finished at least until the next time this conflict emerges, if it does. If your conflict is relatively simple, theres a good chance there wont BE a next time, but if one of the voices is indeed an introjected parent, as described above, there probably WILL be. The solution to this is deconstruction of the introjected parent part of your personality. That is a task to be accomplished in psychotherapy. For several reasons, this is NOT a do-it-yourself project! Be assured, however, that coming to see and experience this part of you for what it really is will change things forever.

For now, your task is simply to notice the point of view which spoke last. THAT is where you have come to rest. That voice is now the point of view that has dominance in your mind. Notice carefully what that voice said. Explore your thoughts and feelings a bit, just to enlarge your awareness. If you feel any discomfort about this position, its likely that some voice has more to say, so it is best to resume the dialog. Otherwise, your comfort will be clear, and your conflict is over. Returning to your action plan development Then, return to constructing your action plan. If you encounter another conflicted inner dialog, you now know what to do about it, so do it. Constructing an action plan is not the topic of this article, so just know that you need to put one together, and then act. Continually assess your progress, if the outcome takes time to emerge. Persist, and learn, and continue to revise your problem description and your action plan, as needed, until you achieve your goal. All of this will be helped if you make active use of the idea of accountability, which we take up next. Showdown: Creating, managing, and making best use of accountability Accountability is simply a process by which you somehow confront yourself with the consequences of your action. In a basketball game, it would make no sense to take a shot, then immediately turn and walk away, without waiting to see if you actually made the shot. Similarly, it makes no sense to engage a life-change process in which you never quite know if youre being successful. But theres more to it than that. With many people, getting to success is not even a possibility, simply because they have trouble actually implementing a change process. They falter getting out of the starting gate. The solution to this is to bring in some accountability early in the change process. There are two parts to successful accountability: setting goals, and taking measurements. Neither part is particularly difficult, but both are a bit technical, so inexperienced people often have trouble with them.

Set a goal then break it down into sub-goals. In basketball, the goal is clear. In your change project, what is the goal? It needs to be specified. Since were concerned here with successfully resolving inner conflicts between various parts of our personality, its easy to say that our goal is simply resolution of conflict about whatever matter of concern you are focusing on. This is a good generic goal to start with, but it needs refinement. In our example, the goal was to resolve conflict about what to do with our weekend, so as to feel satisfied at its conclusion. When weve concluded, we will no longer be conflicted AND well have a good idea about how were going to solve the wasted weekend problem. Clearly, were concerned about TWO goals: getting rid of conflict, and having better weekends. Its a simple fact that looking at the second goal will help us achieve the first! But, as suggested above, we need to focus first on more immediate concerns. Since many people have problem with using some change process they have chosen, their initial goal needs to be simply to start and finish the change process, period. So, just to keep things straight: were involved with THREE goals: 1. Start the change process. 2. Resolve internal conflict about desires. 3. Resolve the substantive issue which was giving rise to internal conflict. Youll find that over and over in your life youll be involved with these three goals, so working them through in relation to any issue at all will turn out to be more useful than you might initially expect. The three steps above are actually a rough-draft action plan! Steps one and three need to be broken down into sub-goals, of course. Step two is already broken down, in the internal conflict resolution process detailed above. So, since many people have trouble with just getting started, lets look the general problem of motivation.

Fostering motivation Strictly speaking, this has nothing to do with accountability, except for this: engaging an accountability process is one way of increasing motivation to act, and to act well. However, its not the only way. You should engage other ways as well. Here are some motivation augmentation methods to consider:

Imagine, then write down, the benefits of completing the act or set of acts for which you are going to engineer some accountability. Do as good a job of this as you can. You truly want to show the observing part of your brain what you will be missing out on if you do not accomplish your goal. When you have your list, put it up in a place you can see it, so you get reminded. When you lose track of payoffs, you lose motivation. Dont let this happen.

Imagine the costs of failure. As with the benefits, aim for vivid written descriptions. In psychology, when we act to avoid a cost, we call this negative reinforcement. For example, it feels good to avoid a traffic ticket you might well have gotten by being careless. Such negative factors can have a powerful motivating influence. Put this list, as well, where you will see it.

Discuss your little project in this case, your planned effort to resolve some inner conflict with someone you care about. Merely talking something through often clarifies many parts of it, including your reasons for doing it. The person you talk with doesnt have to know anything about the problem youre looking at. It might even help if you find that you have to carefully explain the problem.

Now, were ready to engage what is probably the most powerful accountability process of all the mere presence of another human being can do more than help us clarify a problem, as well as the benefits of solving it, and the costs of not solving it. That mere human being can help us actually start, continue, and finish a change process designed to solve our problem. Use social accountability to activate social facilitation Weve already discussed social facilitation a bit above. Its the fact that people usually act better when theyre being watched. So, we simply need to set up a situation where well be watched, relative to our attempt to engage this inner conflict resolution process.

There are many ways to do this, and adapting the process to meet the needs of the individual involved YOU, in this case is essential. Here are the steps:

Find someone who is willing to be your check-in person. Ideally, they know something about motivation, change processes, and perhaps even inner conflict problems. Perhaps they can be persuaded to read this article, to help them understand better what youre attempting. But, mostly, they just need to be willing to help you. Thats the truly essential quality they need.

Agree with them exactly what youll be trying to do, and about when youll be reporting to them about your progress. Its best to break what you trying to do into small steps, simply because this makes success easier. Here are small steps you might choose:
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Producing a list of inner conflicts on which you might choose to focus just a brief description of each will suffice. If you already have a conflict in mind, then a good small step might be to produce a written problem description, following the steps given above. If you need to break that down into two or more steps, do it. Just attempt what you can easily do. What you want to do is to have a success, because success breeds more success. The next small step might be to produce a rough draft action plan.

You need to continue this process of setting small goals, in conversation with your accountability assistant, and check in with them at an agreed-upon time, to report your progress or lack of it. Its that simple. When you report a lack of progress at your check-in, pause. Look at what happened. Break it down. If you find that you cannot go forward with resolving one conflict because of another, then focus on the newly emerging conflict. If you find that youre attempting too much, break your task into pieces. This always makes it easier. The main idea here is simply not to allow yourself to be blocked. Find a way around or through obstacles, and just keep going.

Measurement All the steps above are binary in nature, which is to say that you can only either (a) do them or (b) not do them. However, your overall goal is to improve how you feel as a result of resolving inner conflict. So, its appropriate, at the very beginning, to get a baseline measure of your feeling status. Do this using the 0 to 10 scale used by a number of psychotherapists. The question to confront yourself with is When looking at the matter about which I feel conflict, how disturbed do I feel? Consider that 0 on the scale means not at all disturbed and 10 means as disturbed as I possibly could be. FEEL where on the scale you should put yourself you cannot get a good measurement any other way. An approximation is fine, but do get a number, and write it down. Then, after youve worked through your conflict resolution process, do this self assessment again. THIS is a moment of accountability. Note that because this is not a binary measurement it is much more sensitive to success or failure. If you still feel some disturbance, you probably should keep working on the problem. The issue causing the conflict has likely shifted a bit, and its essential nature has changed. Restart the whole process, which will be easier because youre now familiar with it. Conclusion: Getting started, and persisting Go as far as you can on your own, then follow the instructions in the Showdown section above to use social accountability to keep you going. Alternatively, you can use social accountability from the very beginning. Do what pleases you what makes the most sense to you. If 80% of life is just showing up, you do a lot just by working on the process outlined in this article. If you add to this some persistence, working to overcome obstacles, asking for help when you need it, youre well on your way to being your own hero. The inner conflict process outlined above can help you very significantly. It can show you how to be an unstoppable force, on your own behalf. It just might be one of the greatest adventures of your life.

Notes
1

An important way this often happens is that our brain will use dissociation to suppress

awareness of the painful conflict.

2

This is an important outcome of research in Cognitive Psychology on problem solving

behavior. It has been found that most problem solvers, and especially amateurs, spend too little time on problem definition. Theyre eager to solve it, and take action too soon. As a result, they too often end up wasting resources, energy, and motivation, by working on the wrong problem. Success goes up significantly when they simply spend more time LOOKING at the problem, in the course of which they often end up redefining the problem multiple times each time doing it better.
3

I take up this subject, in some detail, in my Feelings deepening self-awareness in the

early stages of psychotherapy.

4

A milepost is checkpoint on a journey. Its a place where you get a sense of how your

journey is progressing. In a life-change process, its a point that occurs before completion of the process, where you pause to see how youre doing so that you can alter the action plan if things arent going well enough. Structured, planned mileposts serve to keep things on track, and to prevent disaster from occurring unseen. Its another way of using the powerful idea of accountability, by creating feedback.
5

Self-medication is a term used in psychotherapy and social work which means use of

illegal drugs or alcohol with the intent of reducing psychological disturbance. Its an act of desperation and/or ignorance. Better solutions are almost always available. Its useful to extend the idea of self-medication to include use of prescription drugs, as an alternative to constructive engagement with problem solving, psychotherapy, or some other personal lifechange process.
6

An introject is something we take into ourselves whole without selectively discarding

parts that are of no use. Some animals swallow their food whole, without chewing. Children who construct an internal parent which simply copies the parents relevant characteristics are doing the psychological equivalent of this. Parental introjection is rather common.

I assume that the reader understands that when I write about listening to ones inner

desires I do not think, or seek to encourage others to think, about desire in an overly simplistic manner. For example, I might well truly desire my neighbors car, or whatever, but will also place that desire in the larger context of my need to find my own behavior acceptable to me, not to harm my neighbor, not to take what isnt mine, and so on. These are my desires as well. In the beginning, there well may be conflict between some of them, but if they are all allowed to speak to me, its highly likely that I will work out a response that will work for me and others. So should ALL desires be managed, ideally.
8

This inherent motivation NOT to be in conflict, is significantly less likely between people,

especially if one of them is an adolescent! Adolescents can quickly learn that conflict gives them a positive benefit at times: separation from a parent. A clever parent will know this, and manage the adolescents need for separation so that serious conflicts rarely occur.