HOW FATHERS INFLUENCE DAUGHTERS A girls father is one of the most influential people in her life, from infant

to toddler to tween to teen. Learn why Dad has such a big impact on his little girls development into a strong, confident woman. A father's influence in his daughter's life shapes her self-esteem, self-image, confidence and opinions of men. "How Dad approaches life will serve as an example for his daughter to build off of in her own life, even if she chooses a different view of the world," says Michael Austin, associate professor of philosophy at Eastern Kentucky University and editor of Fatherhood - Philosophy for Everyone: The Dao of Daddy. "What matters in the father-daughter relationship is that Dad seeks to live a life of integrity and honesty, avoiding hypocrisy and admitting his own shortcomings, so that she has a realistic and positive example of how to deal with the world. He should try to model a reflective approach to life's big questions so that she can seek to do the same," he adds. Dads and daughters: From infant to toddler We now live in a culture where Dad is an equal partner in care giving. From day one, dads are encouraged to be hands-on, changing diapers, giving baths, putting Baby to sleep and calming her cries. That presence and effort is the beginning of a very important relationship.

"Dads need to spend time with their infant daughter." According to Austin, this quality time together is crucial at all stages of a girl's life. "Dads need to spend time with their infant daughter, taking care of her physical needs and supporting her Mom," he explains. And once the little lady starts toddling around, "[i]t's essential that Dad gets down on the floor on her level and plays with her," Austin says. Fathers and daughters: From tween to teen It's those pesky "hormonal" years that can often have dads shying away from their moody and sometimes standoffish daughter. When there's a tween girl in the house, "[d]ads should focus on cultivating a trusting relationship so that their daughters feel secure talking with them about what's going on in their lives," Austin explains. "When necessary, dads should apologize and ask for forgiveness, as this both shows respect and love to our daughters and heals the hurts that are inevitable in daily life together." As a girl continues to grow and her teen years become fraught with complicated issues, dads should continue to work on building a trusting relationship, give affection and support her as she learns more about who she is and what kind of person she wants to become, Austin says. "It's imperative that, no matter what, dads avoid the temptation to pull away or withdraw during this sometimes challenging stage of growing up."

A father's influence on a daughter's self-image A dad's involvement in his daughter's life is a crucial ingredient in the development of a young woman's self-esteem. Austin identifies positive elements of "common sense" parenting for dads so they can help support their daughter's self-image and curb any possibility of low self-esteem: Verbal encouragement, being consistently present in her life, being alert and sensitive to her feelings, taking time to listen to her thoughts and taking an active interest in her hobbies. "It's important to actually do these things, which can sometimes be quite challenging," Austin adds. Direct involvement and encouragement by her father will help diminish a girl's insecurity and increase her confidence in her own abilities. How dads influence their daughter's relationships The type of men that women date and have long-term relationships with are also directly related to the kind of relationship a girl has with her father. Obviously, the hope is that the father figure in a girl's life will aim to skew that young lady's opinions of men in a positive way. "He must, first and foremost, treat his daughter with respect and love. Whether or not he is married to or still together with his daughter's mom, showing respect to her mother is essential as well," explains Austin. "He must also value women as human beings, and not as persons to be used. Daughters will see what their dads believe about women by how they value and respect women, or by how they fail to do so." --------------Get it wrong and she'll explode: But get it right and a father's love will set up his daughter for life By STEVE BIDDULPH PUBLISHED: 00:55 GMT, 22 January 2013 | UPDATED: 00:55 GMT, 22 January 2013 Fifteen years ago Steve Biddulph wrote a seminal book on the difficulty of raising boys. Now he argues that its teenage girls who are facing an unprecedented crisis. Here, in the final part of our major Mail series, he reveals that girls with strong father figures have higher self-esteem and that its those with poor male role models, or none at all, who are most vulnerable in our increasingly sexualised society ... At a time when girls are under unprecedented assault from our increasingly sexualised culture, there's at least one very welcome change - we're finally waking up to the vital importance of dads. Today's young fathers spend three times as long with their children each day - talking, playing and teaching them - as the fathers of just one generation ago. And if they do it right, they're a powerful force against the online porn, the girls' magazines, the ads and all the explicit TV programmes that are encouraging our daughters to grow up too fast. Indeed, girls with an involved dad have been found in many studies to do better at school and have higher self-esteem. They're also less likely to become pregnant too young or have problems with alcohol or drugs. The journey into womanhood is increasingly challenging for teenage girls making it all the more important that fathers make a difference in their lives A strong father can be the vital key to a young woman's sense of identity and self esteem, affecting her performance at school and later in the workplace Too many fathers have failed their daughters, whether because they were confused about their role, or just too busy, or - worst of all - not sufficiently interested For a girl, Dad is her personal ambassador from the Planet Male. If she has a good relationship with him, she's unlikely to settle for less from the other males in her life, or allow herself to be manipulated. Put very simply, psychologists have discovered that it's good mothers who make girls feel secure - but it's good fathers who are vital for their self-esteem.

As a father to a grown-up daughter, I've been through the challenges of raising a girl during these difficult teenage years. And as a child psychologist, I often gave talks on dads; there's always a point where I see women around the auditorium quietly shedding a tear. Some are remembering their childhood with a much-loved and caring dad, but some are grieving for the relationship they never had. Too many fathers have failed their daughters, whether because they were confused about their role, or just too busy, or - worst of all - not sufficiently interested. Things may have improved, but some of today's dads are still just as much at fault. The daughters of these men carry a lack of fathering as a deep wound. In revenge, they're rude and rebellious in their teenage years, often sleeping around, taking drugs or abusing alcohol. At the same time, the girls often blame themselves for the breakdown in the relationship, concluding: 'If Dad's too busy to have time for me, it must be that I'm boring and not worth it'. A father who is less than engaged can also affect his teenage daughter's choice of boyfriends. As a substitute, she'll often gravitate towards older men - with regrettable consequences. By definition, a much older boyfriend is more likely to be domineering, calling all the shots in the relationship. Considering that a girl aged between 14 and 18 is still forming her identity, there's a strong chance that she'll put all his needs first and actually look to him to define her. Poor fathering can even affect girls on a physical level. Although cases of early puberty - at seven or eight - are rare, it's now known that it can be brought on by the stress of having a father who's violent, suicidal, alcoholic or drug-dependent. A stressful divorce can also cause this, particularly if a girl's parents split up when she's between the ages of three and eight.

Teenage girls are searching for their own identity and can get quickly irritated by their fathers, especially if he appears critical of her and unapproachable The best way to deal with her emotions is to listen and accept her point of view, communicate, rather than get defensive and therefore shut her out Bizarrely, too, early puberty can be brought on by having a stepfather. This is not because stepdads engender stress per se, but probably because an unrelated male in the home affects girls' hormones in ways we have yet to understand. Very early on, a girl decides whether her dad (or stepdad) is one of two things: a source of safety and protection, or a source of danger and threat. Her conclusion is likely to affect her relationships with men for the rest of her life. This is so important that lately I've come to believe that every father of small children should make a silent pledge to himself: 'I will never hit or hurt you. I will strive never, ever to frighten you.' We men should always try to use a softer voice with small girls. Their hearing is more acute than that of boys - so they often think you're shouting at them when you think you're just sounding firm. Our physical strength, meanwhile, can be channelled to give delight. A dad who gets down on the floor to play with his small daughter, being a horse for her to ride or a monster that she can defeat, not only reinforces his daughter's sense of safety but also gives her a higher capacity for excitement. These early games will make her more likely to want to have adventures later on. In addition, researchers have found that little girls who play rough-and-tumble games with their dads are less likely to be affected badly by stress in the future. If you show a toddler that you can be happy, exuberant and even silly at times, then you'll almost certainly increase her capacity to be happy as she grows up.

And if you ask for - and listen to - her viewpoint from an early age, she'll develop the sense that she's both intelligent and worthwhile. There's no escaping the fact, however, that even terrific father/daughter relationships can come under stress when girls reach 13 or 14 and start developing into young women. As a girl becomes more sexually attractive in her puberty, many fathers can neglect their daughters at the very time they need a strong male role model Over-reacting to the fears about sexual abuse, it is tempting for fathers to withdraw from their daughters leaving them feeling like they have done something wrong These days, fathers are far more aware than they used to be of the dangers of sexual abuse. This has led to a new problem that probably affects most dads: they start backing off from their teenage daughter and neglect to give her hugs. Some fathers will even stop spending as much time with their daughter, or become irrationally angry with her - for the simple reason that she's starting to look sexually attractive. This sends out a confusing, hurtful signal: 'He doesn't like me any more; he's weird and uptight around me.' Some girls react by thinking they're at fault themselves; others try to turn themselves back into little girls again by acting cute and helpless rather than increasingly adult and confident. Even if a father copes well with his daughter's changing appearance, he can find that without meaning to, he's frequently pressing all the wrong buttons and making her fly off the handle. That's because, somewhere around the age of 13, a girl seems to become mentally unstuck. We shouldn't really blame her. At this age and stage of development, her body is trying rapidly to rewire her pre-frontal cortex - the most complex part of the brain, which controls both her ability to calm herself down and to pay attention. Meanwhile, the part of her brain called the amygdala - the centre of impulsive and emotional reactions can take over in a flash if she's feeling pressured, distracted or stressed. One minute, she can be kind and caring; the next, she can be thoughtless and self-obsessed. She may make promises but forget to keep them. She can lose all perspective, become wildly over-emotional and cave in to undesirable peer pressure. This is normal - but most fathers find this stage very trying. My advice to them is first to remember that your daughter loves you and would miss you for ever if you died. Second: bear in mind that she can often find you very irritating. That's because you tend to criticise and find fault with her, and you do it at the worst times. How do I know this? Because in hundreds of family therapy sessions, convened to find out why a teenage girl is causing trouble, there's been one common factor: a father who criticises his daughter, starts fights with her and can't accept that she has different points of view. Barack Obama has mentioned his two daughters Sasha,11, (left) and Malia,14, (right) in his speeches, displaying an intimacy with the girls that is rare among modern fathers The truth is that she's searching for her own identity, and acutely sensitive at this time to any of your attempts to control her. So when you lose it, she double-loses it, and everything goes haywire. Daughters have to be treated gently. Accept that sometimes she's unhappy with you. Ask her what you've done wrong but don't try to defend yourself when she tells you - that's a male reflex, and it doesn't work with girls. Instead, see if you can work out what emotion lies behind what she's saying. Is she sad (i.e. because you're going away again), angry (you didn't keep your word) or afraid (you drive too fast)? Then, even if you've been a faultless father thus far, try doing something radical: admit that you could actually change a little to accommodate her. Trust me - this works. If you can make changes to your behaviour, or do something that she's asked you to do, it will make her feel less powerless and help her to realise that her feelings count. FIFTY SHADES OF GRAPE

It's a wine mentioned in Dickens and Jane Austen but when it appeared in the Fifty Shades Of Grey trilogy, sales really took off. The South African dessert wine Vin de Constance is listed on the menu at a masked ball that lovers Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele attend. Fifty Shades fans are now flocking to the Klein Constantia wine estate, ten miles from Cape Town. Managing director Hans Astrom says: Were asked every day by people coming into our tasting rooms about the wine appearing in the book. 'Its always been a favourite of kings. 'Thanks to author E.L.James, many more people are discovering one of the great wines of the world. The biggest mistake we men tend to make when we're fighting with our teenage daughters is to use what I call 'you' accusations. 'You don't help around the house.' 'You're lazy.' 'You're not going out in that dress!' 'I' messages work far better because they take heat out of a situation by exposing our vulnerability. For example: 'I was worried when you didn't get home at the time you agreed. I need to know I can trust you.' This is not an attack, because it starts with 'I' and not 'you'. It invites a teenager to be caring, rather than to defend herself. Even: 'I'm angry because the kitchen was a mess, and I had just tidied it up' is better than: 'You messed up the kitchen!' Note that I'm not suggesting for a moment that you let your daughter get away with slovenly, dangerous or disrespectful behaviour. Sometimes, for instance, children learn from TV and the way people talk at school that it's somehow cute or normal to be rude. If so, you'll need to teach your daughter that rudeness always wounds - and that if it takes hold, people will be bleeding all the time. Talk the subject over with the whole family present, and get everyone to agree that no one talks disrespectfully to anyone else - parent to child, child to parent, child to child. In the face of teenage angst and turmoil, one temptation for many dads is to treat their daughter like a princess. Fathers who are cash-rich but time-poor often buy expensive gifts and hand out wads of money; they may also arrange for others to do all the household chores. The end result is a grown-up girl with an emotional age of two who thinks nothing of having tantrums if they help her get what she wants. TSO, or terminal self-obsession, is a dreadful fate for any girl because one day she'll eventually collide painfully with reality. The best cure is to begin imposing boundaries - softly but firmly - and to demand that she starts pulling her weight. Finally, the father of a teenage girl must bear in mind that he's a male role model - at least to her. That means dressing well, smelling good and refraining from telling rude jokes in front of her. Adolescent girls have acute sensibilities: even if they swear and tell gritty jokes themselves, they don't like to see their fathers behaving in a similar way. They're also hyper-alert to the way you behave with other females. So treat all women with courtesy and kindness, and you'll help her set the bar high for the boys and men in her own life. Modern womanhood is tough: all too soon, your daughter will need to become self-reliant, clear-thinking, emotionally strong, good with people and responsible for her own life. A good dad gives her a head-start that lasts for ever. Adapted from: Raising Girls, by Steve Biddulph, published by HarperCollins at 12.99. 2013 Steve Biddulph. To order a copy for 10 (p&p free), call 0844 472 4157. A LETTER SHE COULD WRITE TO YOU

I am a teenager now. Its very hard. My emotions feel like the English weather. Lifes stressful, what with school and boys and not liking how I look and the mess the world is in and hating my hair. I need to chill out quite a lot to watch some TV when I get home from school, and to be vague and dreamy and waltz about the house. If you criticise me, its just kind of the last straw. So I will yell back at you or storm off to my room. But its honestly not my fault. My pre-frontal cortex [the part of the brain responsible for regulating behaviour] has melted down for a rebuild and wont be right again until Im about 22. Meanwhile, my amygdala [the brain centre for emotional reactions] has taken over and all it knows is fight or flight! You think because I can out-argue you that I must be smart. But Ive lost the most important faculty a person can have: I cant see anyone elses point of view. Or at least not easily. Its enough to keep track of my own point of view. In fact, Ill try on lots of different points of view to find out if one fits. Today, I am an emo-punk-Goth-angel and plan to get piercings in my cheeks. Tomorrow, I may want to volunteer as a nurse in Angola. You worry about boyfriends. You worry about me navigating sex. So do I! Were not on different sides. You worry that I wont do my schoolwork. Well, how would you feel if you were told your whole life depends on a couple of days of exams that it could all be over at 17 if I have a bad day or forget my pen? Honestly, its enough to paralyse you with fear. Please dont criticise me. I am already criticising myself so much it just might tip me over the edge. And Id be so upset if I killed you. Talk gently. Ask about my life. Watch the timing, Ill sometimes want to talk and sometimes not. When I do, youd better have a couple of hours! Be gentle. Be funny. Be patient. One day Ill be over this, and we can be the best of friends.

If you're wondering how your daughter went from being your little snuggle bug to a venomous parasite of sorts, you are not alone! Many mothers get discouraged as their daughters become teenagers and an unfamiliar, unsettling emotional disconnect seems to invade the formerly delightful mother-daughter relationship. During this time, conflicts usually escalate to an all-time high, and moms and daughters struggle to find common ground. While it would be easy, as parents, to throw our hands in the air out of frustration and give up on the hope of getting along with our teen girls, that is not a wise solution. Ironically, while our daughters may protest our very presence at times, in actuality, they have never needed us more! Case in point, did you know that research indicates that teenagers who have warm relationships with their mothers are more likely to delay sexual activity? Here are a few tips for mothers who feel "lost at sea" while attempting to navigate through choppy waters with their teenage daughters: 1. Rememberhowdifficult theseyearswerefor you. It's easy to get exasperated by our teenage daughters' dramatic displays of emotion and ever-changing moods, but let us not forget when we were their age and dealing with hormone swings and a strange new desire for independence. Let's face it, it's not easy to learn how to manage our emotions and be led by rational thought over what our hormone-driven feelings are telling us. While we do want to discipline our daughters for poor behavior, we should be mindful and careful not to scold them in those moments when they are simply struggling to make sense of run-away emotions. 2. Don't get suckedinto screamingmatches. As just stated, young girls are learning how to manage their emotions. For this reason, it's important that we model how to do so. Our example, however, is no good if, when our daughters begin to yell and haphazardly vent emotions, we too act out and get carried away by emotion. Stay calm during conflicts. Focus on setting the right example in word, tone, and body language as opposed to simply affirming our teen's poor behavior through our own poor conduct. 3. Continueto reachout to her. Whereas our elementary-age daughters would run to the door and greet us with a kiss when we came home from running errands, a teenager will likely stay shut up in her bedroom and give no thought to what is going on outside her bedroom door. It can make it easier on us to simply let her spend day after day disconnected from the family (no interaction means no conflict), but such a disconnect is not healthy. We need to make an effort to go into our daughters' rooms, sit down and give them our undivided attention. We should ask every question we can think of to get them to talk and open up. We can also plan fun outings, all with the intent of keeping communication open. 4. Takean interestin her world. While we may be worried about financial challenges and a myriad of other "grown up" situations, our daughters will be stewing over things like why their ankles look skinner than their friends' or why their BFF didn't sit by them on the bus this morning. While our daughters' daily concerns can seem trivial and silly compared to the challenges we face everyday, we will seriously isolate our daughters if we dismiss their interests and worries as menial. Knowing this, be an excellent listener, and take her seriously when she shares her concerns with you. 5. Mentoryour daughterspiritually. As parents, we go out of our way to invest in our daughters' education and extracurricular activities, but what about theirspiritual training? While driving them to and from youth group is worthwhile, let us not delegate the totality of our daughters' spiritual maturation to the church. As

the primary role model in their lives, we should take the lead in providing discipleship and Biblical insight for our daughters. Buy a devotional and discuss a lesson once a week, or sit down in the evenings and read and discuss a chapter out of Proverbs. The key is to invest in our kids' spirituality - their character consistently throughout their upbringing.