10/09/13

The VICE Guide to Anal Sex www.vice.com Readability

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The VICE Guide to Anal Sex

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10/09/13

The VICE Guide to Anal Sex www.vice.com Readability

Back in university, while having sex with my 32-year-old militant feminist girlfriend, a phrase slipped out of my mouth. We were in that primal mode in autopilot when weird sounds come out like goood and do it, fucker. This time, however, out of nowhere I go, I love hurting you. Instead of getting angry or disturbed, her eyes lit up and she said, I love it when you hurt me. That was the first time I totally understood what its all about. Love hurts and sex is hostile. As Robert J. Stoller writes in Sexual Excitement: The absence of hostility leads to sexual indifference and boredom. Humans are not a very loving species, especially when they make love. In a time when everything is about egalitarianism and feeling good we are forgetting the merits of pain. What about the joy of dirty smells and helplessness? The joy of taking over someones body like a snake with a frog in its mouth? I love that shit. So without further ado, here is the VICE guide to the cruelest of lovemaking. The only sexual taboo left: getting reamed up the cake. FAG S G O HO ME Before we get started, we have to zero in on who we are talking about. This article is not for fags. Telling fags how to have anal sex is like telling Puerto Ricans how to have babies. Fags are so over it they could wake up in a sea of blood and poo with a hangover and say, That didnt work out so well. Lets go get some amyl nitrate and try it again. They are the masters of the sport and have all kinds of great tips on how to use crack and other drugs but, I dont know, thats just not the hetero way. This instructional guide is for heterosexual couples who want to put the boys dink in the girls bum. There is a sidebar on how to nail hetero guys but its so easy it only deserves a few words.
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10/09/13

The VICE Guide to Anal Sex www.vice.com Readability

G I RLS NO T DO WN WI TH THE BRO WN Not all ladies are potential sodomites. Maybe she was raped in the bum at 14. Maybe she grew up with a lot of homophobic brothers and believes that anuses are for fags. Or, maybe shes just not built for ityou know, the same way middle-aged men cant do gymnastics and 13-year-old girls are notoriously bad lieutenants. The no way in hell girls have two distinct characteristics. One, they hate bands with female singers and two, they shake their heads when you ask them if they liked the first try and then go, It felt like I had to go poo. If your girl is like this stop reading now and try to get over it. G I RLS DO WN WI TH THE BRO WN There are several types of ladies that are perfect for sodomy. First-generation immigrants are great because, after being bombarded with all kinds of new experiences (baseball, MTV, spaceship cars) they are ready to try anything. Virgins are good too. They just figured out how to work their vagina so adding another one next to it isnt so absurd. Its like someone coming over with an extra cup when youre doing the dishes. Y oure just like, Oh that too? Oh, okay, lets get it soaped up. The ultimate catch as far as willingness goes would have to be Catholic schoolgirls. Thanks to oppressive fathers insisting their hymen stays intact, every other orifice gets a rigorous workout before graduation. In fact, nine times out of ten its the Catholic schoolgirl that introduces it to the boy. Y ou dont need a condom, shell say. We can bungi, (thats their special word for it) and then that spoiled little boy is ruined forever. Odds are youre in a relationship with someone in between. Shes not totally against or totally into it. If so, you should be reading this, which you are, so, good.

G O O D PAI N VS. BAD PAI N Oh wait, theres more shit we have to clear up. Before you start hurting someone, lets make it clear what kind of pain we are talking about. There is good pain and bad pain. Good pain is dull and all-consuming and bad pain is sharp and very
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10/09/13

The VICE Guide to Anal Sex www.vice.com Readability

localized. If youve ever put a girls legs behind her head and had your boner ram her cervix during sex thats what bad pain is like. Y ou can tell because she gets up fast like your dinks an electric eel and it makes her so mad the lay is usually over. A well-lubed, slow and careful intrusion is a good pain, like being sat on by a fat person you love. The bad pain of an unlubed and rushed anal intrusion cuts her ass, pisses her off, and kills the whole thing forever. G ETTI NG I N THE DO O R She wont like anal sex until her 17th time. Its an acquired taste. But you have to get her to want to go through that good pain, 17 times. To get that response, you must employ the Pavlovs Dog technique. When youre eating her out, occasionally touch around the asshole. Give it small and swirling hellos like if you were trying to pet a newborn squirrel without scaring it too much. Its best to try this when shes totally horned up out of her mind and plastered. If you take it slow and easy and smart youre looking at a total time of five months. Dont be afraid to lick it sometimes. Salad tossing is not gross with women because they shit roses. Put your finger in there and smell you finger. See? Roses. After youve got through the taboo front gate you can start being more and more friendly with the baby squirrel. EMERG ENCY RESCU E If things are going too slow you should have her try it on you. Once youve gone through it her curiosity will be awoken. Shell be like, Didnt it feel like you had to go poo? and you can be like, No, I loved it. Then shell be like, Really? Nice save.

Or ig in a l URL: http://www.v ice.com/read/guide-anal-sex -1 02-guides

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