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CAN YOU?
Stephen L. Cervantes
&
Jonathan Daugherty
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You Can’t Talk About Sex In Church
Copyright © 2003 Stephen L. Cervantes, P.A.
Published by:
Be Broken Ministries, Inc.
18965 FM 2252, Suite 101
Garden Ridge, TX 78266
(210) 657.2396
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A letter to pastors and ministry leaders
Are you ready to make a difference for the men in your church?
Don’t be afraid. If you take the lead and make sex a topic for
discussion within the men in your church, you will not stand
alone. Countless men have been waiting for someone to talk to
about their own struggle.
Stephen Cervantes
&
Jonathan Daugherty
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A Conversation with Church Men
Isn’t it odd that a man can’t talk about the struggles of male
sexuality in the church?
Male preachers never talked about it. Male bible class teachers
never mentioned it. Perhaps a male retreat speaker would lightly
touch on the topic. Then that guy would leave town in a hurry.
Every older man avoided the issue like the plague. This is when I
discovered the “rule of church men.”
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The “Rule” for Almost Every Church Man
The rule of church men goes like this: I will never ask you how you
are doing at managing your sexual thought life and in return you agree
to never ask me how I am doing. That’s it. It is a mutually protective
agreement, quietly understood by every churched man. This
unspoken agreement has influenced men in the pews for
hundreds of years.
First, if any man talks about his sexual thought life he must admit
failure. No one has 100% control of his thought life 100% of the
time. All have sinned and fallen short. (Rom.3:23) Ninety-nine
percent of all men qualify at some point as a sexual thought
struggler. (Recognizing nothing is absolute, a provision is being
made for the 1% exception – that we have yet to find)
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So, here are the sexual thought categories:
Secondly, most of the women in the pew don’t want to know how
difficult it is for a male to manage his sexual thought life. When
you try to explain the male thought struggle to a Christian female
you get winces, frowns, shock and disgust. So, men quickly learn
to keep their thought struggle to themselves.
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Due to the void of information on the topic, the traditional
perception within the church has been divided into two
categories:
The old church view has been this: No man has a problem until he is
caught or turned in by a spouse and reported to be out of control. The
church male leadership assumes you are doing just fine. If you
have a problem, you will handle it yourself and/or privately get it
“fixed.” Often church programs assume no one needs any
support in this area. Just leave it alone. All will be fine. All will
be fine until we learn about men who are having affairs, or men
who are being sexually inappropriate on the Internet, etc. All is
fine until a wife finds her spouse’s secret porn stash or a man
comes forward in church and confesses a secret addiction that has
been quietly destroying him.
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The Old Church Solution
The standard Jesus set seems almost impossible. Still, every man
is ordered daily to strive for 100% thought purity.
The challenge left by Jesus is every man, every day, striving for
thought purity. In other words, you practice eye and thought
management from your morning prayers until the day ends and
you say your good night prayers.
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The New Church View
The new church view is that every man needs support. Every man
needs an accountability partner. Every man is in a battle. The
battle is struggling to hold on to God’s ordained thought purity
one day at a time. Every man is now under heavy bombardment.
Every man needs another man. Every man needs a place for
accountability, openness and honesty. The culture is slipping
towards Gomorrah. It is dragging many good men down with it.
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I will stand, taking verbal criticism thrown in my direction as my
offering back to Him.
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Two Closing Thoughts
The moral free fall our society is now experiencing does not
surprise God. He has been watching cultures rise and fall since
the beginning of time. The good news is God has quietly been
putting men in place for such a time as this. He has everyone He
needs.
OR
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Closing Verses of Encouragement
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Additional Helpful Resources
There are 4 Pillars of Purity you must consider when starting your
purity plan:
1. Profess the struggle.
2. Understand triggers.
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Understanding Shame: Breaking the Power of the Addictive
Spiral by Jonathan Daugherty
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