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Our needs to be included, for control and affection help drive how and why we communicate THREE NEEDS:
INCLUSION: the extent to which we include ourselves with others CONTROL: the extent to which we control others actions or desire them to guide us AFFECTION: the extent to which we express affection to others and desire that from them

One of the most inuential theories in interpersonal relations. See William Schutz, The Interpersonal Underworld (FIRO), 1966. A good explanation of the theory can be found at: http:// Also see:

Express and Want Components

We EXPRESS or behave in ways to fulll our needs (active, behavioral, overt) We WANT others to behave toward us to help fulll our needs (inactive, internal, covert) *Important point 1: Everyones different, so whats right is ones personal choice William Schutz Developed These Outcome Generalizations: Decient: People have few of their needs met Excessive: People have an overabundance of their needs met Ideal: People have most of their needs met (this is us, were perfect) *Important point 2: Over time it is common to run short of getting what we need at times, go over at other times (this is ideal)
Through our lives the degree of each need likely changes, as does the relative fulllment of your needs. Short-term lack of need fulllment is pretty typical, so do not think that your needs within say a week are anything to worry about. It all balances out, which is one way to look at ideal.

Inclusion: the extent to which we include ourselves with others (EXPRESS) or WANT others to include us EXPRESSING INCLUSION: calling a friend on the phone (im-ing them), walking up to a group of friends WANTING INCLUSION: hoping, waiting for someone to call you, wanting a group to invite you along Decient: Undersocial Excessive: Oversocial Ideal: Social

With all the needs, there are gray areas. For example, expressing inclusion is more active than wanting inclusion (which is mostly internal or inside yourself). But, if you sit outside and hope someone comes by to include you in some activity (Hey, want to join us for pizza?). You have behaved here more than sitting in your room hoping the phone will ring.

Control: the extent to which we control others actions (EXPRESS) or WANT others to guide us

EXPRESSING CONTROL: giving suggestions, deciding what to watch on TV, driving the car WANTING CONTROL: asking someone to help you decide, seeking advice, saying you decide Decient: Abdicrat Excessive: Autocrat Ideal: Democrat

Remember that you may express control in, say, your dating relationship, but give up control (want control) when around your boss at work or with your parents. Express Control=I desire to lead, decide or be in charge. Want Control=I want you to lead me, guide me, etc.

Affection: the extent to which we EXPRESS liking or loving or WANTING others to be close to us EXPRESSING AFFECTION: touching, smiling at another, prolonged eye contact, complimenting WANTING AFFECTION: hinting at a gift, saving a place for Mr. (Ms.) Right, desiring that goodnight kiss Decient: Underpersonal Excessive: Overpersonal Ideal: Appropriately Personal

Of course these three needs interrelate. For example, control and a!ection are at work in the sense that you like much a!ection, but you like to decide when, how and with whom a!ection is exchanged in your relationship. So, a high express a!ection may reect your need to express control as well.

Why are we attracted to certain people? Degrees of: COMPLEMENTARITY: Opposites Attract SIMILARITY: Birds of a Feather Flock Together In terms of Control: Dominant-Submissive: Complementary/Asymmetrical Relationships (admired differences) Dominant-Dominant: Symmetrical Relationships (similarity) Submissive-Submissive: Also Symmetrical Relationships The Point: We are attracted to people who probably share some characteristics (interests, likes/dislikes) and/or attracted to differences we respect and admire

There are two ways (at least) to look at many concepts, including these three needs: traits and situational. Traits: think of this as your personality. The way you are, the needs you have and fulll across situations. So, you express control (are dominant) no matter where you are or who you are with. Situational: think of this as changing how you behave in di!erent situations. Maybe you are dominant with your girlfriend/boyfriend, but are more submissive with parents (as mentioned earlier).