STEPHAN ERDMANS 57 Ultimate Condence Methods | Stephan Erdman 2012

57 Ultimate Confidence Methods

The Liking Mindset (Relationship Conditioning)
The Method
Whatever you do, whoever you meet (include yourself here because you spend a lot of time with yourself), whatever you see, hear, feel, touch or smell, whatever you experience the more you can choose to LIKE it rather than DISLIKE it the more condent you will become! You may go to the supermarket-its crowded and the person next to you smells like something else. Your initial habitual reaction might have been thoughts like "aaarrrghh. I don't like it! Why do I have to be here? Can't he wash?" etc. In the process you might have got tense, negative, looked on edge and would have lost your calm condent relaxed energy in a second. But instead you can choose to think: "I like the supermarket. I buy all my groceries here. So many people on here too. Great. Maybe there is going to be an attractive woman I can chat to. Oh..someone smells bad. Poor guy... probably homeless. I ll handle the smell... his life is probably not as nice as mine so this is going to be ne. etc etc." Notice the difference. How do you feel with this kind of inner dialogue? Relaxed, happy and condent.

STEPHAN ERDMANS 57 Ultimate Condence Methods | Stephan Erdman 2012

So do you want to like things/people/yourself or dislike things/people/ yourself? Up to you! If you want to like things/people/yourself more just say it to yourself. Catch yourself when you have the negative "I don't like this or that or him or her for this and this reason" inner dialogue and tell yourself: JUST STOP IT! And replace it with "I like it here! I like her for this and this reason! I like my job etc..." So this is another inner dialogue method. And liking things/people/ yourself is vital to be relaxed, at ease and CONFIDENT!

The Aha Moment

The initial frame came in my time in drama school in London when my most hated teacher (who I have to admit was also something of a genius) explained his system of energies/working actions that you could group human interactions into (more on this in the chapter on energies/ working actions). In one lesson he talked about the fact that human beings either like things/people or dislike things/people to a lesser or larger degree and their bodies will react by being more free owing (free) towards the liked thing/person and less free owing (bound) towards the disliked thing/ person. And this is at the heart of this method. Well sufce to say that I wasn't exactly free owing towards him because I thought he was a miserable, cruel, self absorbed dictator who did his best to put down my favorite female classmate several times in front of the whole class, and lo and behold I didn't do well in his classes

STEPHAN ERDMANS 57 Ultimate Condence Methods | Stephan Erdman 2012

at all because I was lacking all condence because I couldn't relax with him around and was just angry and BOUND (in other words TENSE)! However once I got away from him and noticed more and more how this played out and affected me and my state.I learned that by simply deciding I liked something or someoneI started to nd aspects of them that I likedand that made me feel more condent and good. Here is an example from my own life: I have been drinking wheat grass juice for a few years from time to time. I have always disliked the taste of it. Ok I actually hated it. But I know how good it makes me feel and how good it is for me that I kept drinking it anyway. So every time I ordered a shot I got ready for the horrible taste and when I drank it I knew exactly what I hated about it. That horrible sweet aftertaste...yuk! So one day I asked myself: If I decide I like wheat grass and the taste of it will that change anything? I went ahead and tried it. When I ordered it I said to myself stuff like: "Mmmhh.. I am looking forward to my wheat grass shot. I like wheat grass. I like the avour." And you know what? It didn't instantly become my favourite drink but what happened was that the rst time I drank it in this mindset it went down much better. The second time I started to nd aspects of the avour that I liked. That formerly horrible sweet aftertaste just became sweetness. I started to LOOK FOR evidence of why I liked it. So I rst decided to like it and then my mind and senses were looking for justication for my choice. Interesting, isn't it?

STEPHAN ERDMANS 57 Ultimate Condence Methods | Stephan Erdman 2012

How will the Liking Mindset make you more condent?

Think about it...Do you remember the last time you really liked doing something? or you spent time with someone you really liked? I mean someone you just like and in who's company you feel great.. maybe your best mate... Now remember: did you feel condent? did you feel relaxed? did you enjoy just being? I am sure you did... The fact is when we really LIKE what we are doing or who we are with (and that includes ourselves) we feel strong and invincible and far more relaxed and open than we might be in the company of Adolf Hitler ( well I grew up in Germany after all!) or any other person we DON'T like. Or when we are doing something we "don't like"...Ok that's pretty obvious... I know! So we conclude that being with people or in circumstances we like makes us more condent and happy and relaxed. And being in circumstances or with people we "don't like" we feel less condent, less happy and more tense. Have you noticed then that there are some people who seem to LIKE almost everything and everyone there is in the world? And have you noticed that there are people that seem to DISLIKE almost everything and everyone there is in the world? And have you noticed how the rst type are usually successful, popular and condent? And that the second type people are usually unsuccessful, difcult to like and connect with and lacking in condence?

STEPHAN ERDMANS 57 Ultimate Condence Methods | Stephan Erdman 2012

Liking or disliking is probably the most basic choice we make all the time. Many people have the illusion that they don't have a choice. But we all do. Think about it.. What we supposedly "like" and "dislike" has been formed over years into a subconscious habit that keeps reinforcing itself. When you like others and your surroundings you actually like yourself. And when you dislike others and your surroundings you actually dislike yourself. And adding to that i want to just mention that whatever you don't like in someone else is something that you don't want to admit you have in yourself! Ok before we get too deep here lets go back to the method: So ... the bottom line is "liking" works. It connects you to surroundings and yourself, makes you feel at ease and condent and relaxes you not least because it gives others a chance to like you back! If you usually dislike a lot of things or people you may feel quite a dramatic effect when this rst clicks for you. So you need to ask yourself: Do you want to stay with the habits that have developed over the years and be dominated by your subconscious patterns and attitudes? Or do you want to be one of the condent relaxed type of people and take charge of your attitude to things and people and choose how you feel about them? Honestly this is deceptively simple but hugely benecial when you have actually managed to break negative habits and see more things and more people as things and people you like. I have never read about this anywhere. Possibly because it is so basic. It is possibly the most fundamental choice we make a million times a day and because we make the "like or not like" choice so habitually it has become a subconscious habit many years ago for most of us. So to become conscious of the process is a huge rst step.

STEPHAN ERDMANS 57 Ultimate Condence Methods | Stephan Erdman 2012

The second step will be to take control of this fundamental choice and change your habits in the way that it serves you and your happiness. Because it is so basic it is also at the root of many other aspects of our "personality" and if you can shift your habitual thinking from liking things and people and yourself lets say 50% of the time to 75% of the time you will notice amazing changes in other aspects of yourself and how people perceive and react to you.

How can you use/practise the Liking Mindset?

Anywhere, in any situation. Just decide to like what's around you. Just decide to like people that you meet. How do you do it? Simple: You look at something and say: "I like this" in your mind. I sometimes do this in my mind when I am out and about on the subway and I am not feeling that great or connected or condent. I just look at stuff around me and pick out things I can say: "I like that" about in my mind. For example: "I like that orange colour of that handle bar on this carriage." "I like how the shoes of this guy opposite me" "I like travelling

STEPHAN ERDMANS 57 Ultimate Condence Methods | Stephan Erdman 2012

on the subway" Sometimes I ask myself: "Why do I like it?" And I give myself loads of good reasons why. For example if I said: "I like travelling on the subway" and I ask myself: "Exactly why do I like it?" I might answer in my mind: "Because it's great for people watching. It's interesting. It's a chance to talk to girls. It makes me feel like I am around people. It's fast and convenient. It's like a cultural experience" etc etc. Are you with me? If it's a person, when you're with them look at them and say: "I like you" in your mind. If you want to really have fun with this you can play a little game in your head asking yourself: "What do I like most about this person?" or "Why do I like this person?" and you'll stimulate your mind to come up with answers that will get you into a "liking" mindset. For example: "Because they're similar to me. Because they have good style. Because they've probably done some great things in their lives. Because life is not easy and they are a decent human being. Because they look a bit sad so maybe something bad has happened to them" Whatever comes to mind. Giving yourself reasons for something gives a statement more weight. You're helping your mind accept what you're saying more easily when you give yourself reasons. And when you're in that liking mindset you're going to come across and feel a lot more condent, happy, connected than if you're in a neutral or disliking mindset. It's as simple as that.

STEPHAN ERDMANS 57 Ultimate Condence Methods | Stephan Erdman 2012

Snapshot
Choose to like things/people/yourself rather than dislike things/people/ yourself or just to be neutral to things/people/yourself! You will notice your condence growing and your body and mind relaxing. Be amazed at the other "side effects"!