It happened with these bouts of magic.

Id barely been able to drag myself out of bed when Id brought Jill back. The toll of wielding so much life was just too great, and the mind rebounded from the high. Well, mine did. Lissa didnt have these dramatic ups and downs. Hers was more of a steady darkness that lingered with her for a few days, keeping her moody and melancholy until it lifted. Sonya had a mix of both effects. My little brooding artist, Aunt Tatiana used to say with a chuckle, when I got in these moods. Whats gotten into your head today? Shed speak fondly, like it was adorable. I could almost hear her voice now, almost see her standing there beside me. With a shaking breath, I closed my eyes and willed the image away. She wasnt here. Shadow-kissed people could see the dead. Crazy people only imagined them. I ate my pizza standing at the counter, telling myself over and over that this mood would pass. I knew it would. It always did. But oh, how the waiting sucked. When I finished, I returned to the living room and stared at the paintings. What had seemed wonderful and inspired now seemed shallow and stupid. They embarrassed me. I gathered them all up and tossed them into a corner on top of each other, uncaring of the torn canvas or wet paint. Then I hit the liquor cabinet. Id made good progress on a bottle of tequila, sprawled on my bed and listening to Pink Floyd, when the bedroom door opened a couple hours later. I smiled when I saw Sydney. I was adrift on the buzz of tequila, which had effectively muted spirit and taken the edge off that terrible, terrible low. That wasnt to say I was bright and peppy either, but I no longer wanted to crawl into a hole. Id defeated spirit, and seeing Sydneys beautiful face lifted me up even more. She smiled back, and then, in one sharp glance, assessed the situation. The smile vanished. Oh, Adrian, was all she said. I held up the bottle. Its Cinco de Mayo somewhere, Sage. Her eyes made a quick sweep of the room. Is Hopper celebrating with you? Hopper? Why would My mouth snapped shut for a few moments. Oh. I, uh, kind of forgot about him. I know. Maude sent a message by way of Ms. Terwilliger asking if someone was going to come for him. Crap. After everything that had happened with Rowena, my dragon fosterling had been the last thing on my mind. Im sorry, Sage. Totally slipped my mind. Im sure hes fine, though. Its not like hes a real kid. And like I said, hes probably loving it. But her expression didnt change, except to grow graver. She walked over and took the tequila from me, then carried it to the window. Too late, I realized what she was doing. She opened the window and dumped the rest of the bottle outside. I sat up with a jolt. Thats expensive stuff! She shut the window and turned to face me. That look drew me up short. It wasnt angry. It wasnt sad. It wasdisappointed. You promised me, Adrian. A social drink isnt a problem. Self-medicating is. How do you know it was self-medicating? I asked, though I didnt contradict her. Because I know you, and I know the signs. Also, I sometimes check up on your bottles. You made a big dent in this one tonightmuch more than a social drink. Glancing at the window, I nearly pointed out that technically, she was the one whod made a big dent in the tequila.

I couldnt help it, I said, knowing how lame that sounded. It was as bad as Angelines its not my fault mantra. Not after what happened. Sydney put the empty bottle on the dresser and then sat beside me on the bed. Tell me. I explained about Rowena and her hand and how the rest of the days events had unfolded. It was difficult staying on track with the story because I kept wanting to meander and make excuses. I left out the part about despairing over birthday gifts. When I finally finished, Sydney gently rested her hand on my cheek. Oh, Adrian, she said again, and this time, her voice was sad. I rested my hand over hers. What was I supposed to do? I whispered. It was like Jill all over again. Wellnot quite as bad. But there she was. She needed me, and I could helpthen when she noticed, I had to make sure she forgot. What else was I supposed to do? Should I have let her break her hand? Should have I let her ruin her career? What else was I supposed to do? Sydney drew me into her arms and was silent for a long time. I dont know. I mean, I know you couldnt nothelp. Its who you are. But I wish you hadnt. Nothats not right. Im glad you did. Really. I just wish it wasnt socomplicated. She shook her head. Im not explaining it correctly. Im no good at this. You hate that, dont you? Not knowing what to do. I rested my head against her shoulder, catching the faint scent of her perfume. And you hate me like this. I love you, she said. But I worry about you. Have you ever thought aboutI mean, didnt Lissa take antidepressants for a while? Didnt that help her? I lifted my head swiftly. No. I cant do that. I cant cut myself off from the magic like that. But she felt better, right? Sydney pushed. Sheyes. Kind of. I had no problems with liquid healing, but pills made me squeamish. She did feel better. She didnt get depressed. She didnt cut herself anymore. But she missed the magic, and so she stopped the pills. You dont know what its like, that rush of spirit. Feeling like youre in tune with every living thing in the world. I might understand it better than you think, she said. Its more than that, though. She also stopped because she needed the magic back to help Rose. What if I needed it back? What if it was you that was hurt or dying? I gripped Sydneys shoulders, needing her to understand my desperation and how much she meant to me. What if you needed me, and I couldnt help you? She removed my hands and held them between hers, her face tranquil. Then we deal. Thats what most people do in the world. They cant rely on miracles. You take your chances. Id rather have you stable and happy than risk your sanity on the slim chance a concrete block will fall on me. Could you sit by if you had the ability to help someone? No. Which is why Im trying to help you. But I could see the conflict in her, and I understood her anxiety. No pills, I said firmly. This wont happen again. Ill try harder. Ill be stronger. Have faith that I can do this on my own. Hesitating, she looked as though she might keep arguing the matter, but at last, she nodded in resignation. She drew me down to the bed and kissed me, even though I knew she didnt like the taste of tequila. The kiss reinforced that connection between us, that burning sense I always had that she was made for me, and I was made for her. Surely if I could just drown myself in her, Id never need alcohol or pills of any kind.

I have to go, she said at last. Im only supposed to be out buying toothpaste. It was a boring enough errand that Zoe wouldnt want to come. I brushed wayward golden strands away from her face. Clarences tomorrow night? She nodded. Wouldnt miss it. I walked her to the front door. She did a double take at the ruined paintings but didnt say anything and kept her expression neutral. I mean it, I told her. Ill try. I know, she said. That earlier look of disappointment in her eyes still haunted me. I can be strong, I added. She smiled and stood on her tiptoes to kiss me goodbye. You already are, she murmured. I watched her disappear into the night and hoped Id been telling her the truth.